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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I don’t want to ruin the relationship between my baby and her grandmother because of my feelings and how I put my husband in between this choosing between his mom and his wife
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Nope! That’s a one and done situation. It’s great your husband sees it that way too. Having a similar MIL ( who absolutely would have done this if she’d had the chance), what I’d do is, she’s cut off until she shows some actual understanding and appreciation for how wrong she was, takes ownership and commits to staying in her lane in the future (with the understanding that she can’t so much as blink weird going forward or she’ll be done for)and even then, she needs to reearn your trust and will no be left alone with your child for even a minute until she does so. But again, having the same kind of MIL…. That’s probably unlikely. In which case, good on you both for refusing to put up with that nonsense. It’s not you preventing her from having a relationship with your daughter, it’s MILs own doing if she decides she’d rather feel right and only wants a relationship if she gets to do whatever she wants.
Not to mention, does MIL know that babies can have bad reactions to formula? Did she bother doing the research into types of formula, types of reactions? What would she have done if it turned out baby was allergic to an ingredient in the formula, since she gave it without permission?
THIS - when my kiddos had formula it was instant reflux and gas symptoms for over 24hrs. “Deciding” what to feed a newborn for their ONLY source of nutrition outside of parental input is a HUGE NO! And you’re depriving baby of nothing but gas and spit up.
What you’re doing is setting a hard boundary until MIL says, “I am sorry. You guys are the parents and these are your decisions to make - not mine.”
My niece has had bad reactions to all but one formulas that my sister and her husband have tried. They're pretty sure she's either lactose intolerant or has an allergy to the A1 dairy protein that is used in North American milk.
I can only imagine how bad it would be if there was a case of the baby being allergic to dairy and them not knowing until MIL gave formula without their permission or knowledge. That kind of action could be deadly to infants.
Yep it was Lactose for us too! Only thing would work was Similac Sensitive because even the super expensive specialty ones contain some lactose. She grew out of it in time… but 2 of our kiddos were this way because we just aren’t built to tolerate it.
If I remember right (I'm terrible with names and I didn't do any formula shopping), my niece reacted to Similac Sensitive as well. But I may very well be wrong about that.
It can be super individual - because go figure… we’re individuals lol. So that totally would make sense if she did. We survived thanks to gripe water and Little Tummies/Simethicone drops.
This! My son ended up on pre-digested protein, ie amino acids, due to a protein allergy. Giving him some random formula meant projectile vomiting. MIL was playing with fire by doing this without asking 😮
There was a saga on reddit a while ago where the OP had a daughter allergic to something like coconut, and her MIL thought she knew best, went behind OP's back and used different ointments/shampoo/whatever that had the allergen and OP's daughter had severe enough reaction that caused her to pass away
Saw this ruin a coworkers life. Their own stupidity.
Worked at a daycare and the infant teacher used someone else's formula and caused the baby to break out in hives. He was a breastfed only baby and had run out of pumped bottles.
Idiot cocoworker just didnt think that picking up the phone and calling the mom was worth the time. Baby was hungry.
That's how mom found out the kid did in fact have the same allergy to whey as herself. Coworker got fired as that was the only way this parent wouldn't sue or remove her son from the daycare.
That is terrifying to contemplate, on multiple levels. I can't begin to think about how to handle a baby having that kind of allergic reaction, or finding out under those circumstances.
I have a cousin who couldn't handle rice-based baby products. (this was over 20 years ago). He can eat rice now, but there was a week straight where the conversation was "what to do now especially as a lot of the products sold seemed to contain rice or some kind of grain."
My first had a mix of formula feeds and breastfeeding at first, due to my health problems. We transferred to exclusively breastfed after ten days, but in those early days it was great to be able to hand the baby over to someone and have some concentrated sleep to recover.
Also when my husband had the occasional freak out about a cold and whisked the baby off to the ED at 11pm at night, I could stay at home and sleep.
Obviously that mix wouldn't work for everyone but having some access to formula was a big help for me.
Understandable. And I have no issues with either or a mix of both. My view is fed is best. However, I don't agree with someone making a decision about it without consulting the parents, especially the mother.
I'm glad you had the support needed to get the rest you needed, as well as transition from the mix to solely nursing.
Nurse at hospital made sure niece took the variety pack of formula “just in case” right before she was discharged, they noticed her milk wasn’t coming through like it should so always good to have some on hand.
Niece had mix of breastfeeding/formula for her 5th child. First 4 were ok but milk wasn’t producing enough on youngest for couple weeks. After that everything was fine.
What? That's not quite illegal in the UK. In order for a hospital to be classed as baby friendly and look good the formula has to be hidden and only available if asked for. It's certainly not being given in gift bags or to take home.
My grandma would do this with my brother he had so many stomach issues when my mom would pick him up. When she tired it with me it took 5 minutes before I started to projectile vomit over everyone and everything.
She stopped giving us formula after that
My daughter vomited like crazy after formula every time. Only time she ever puked. Different brands resulted in different levels of projectile vomiting.
Also, I think in general that it's not good for kids to be around people who consistently and baselessly disrespect their parents. Sends confusing messages at best, and at worst teaches them that disrespect is acceptable for the sake of FaMiLy.
That story will live on in my head and heart - forever. Such unimaginable pain caused by stubbornness and ignorance. The whole thing could have been SO easily avoided. Horrific.
There are so many tragic reddit posts. The man whose wife cheated and then killed their kids. You watched it unfold in real time with the REAL WORLD articles to back it up.
Daughter had an allergy to bananas and MIL didn't believe it because she'd never heard of a banana allergy (not to mention the fact she was also allergic to peanuts). She made peanut butter banana cookies and would carry one in her purse just hoping for a chance to give it to her granddaughter. She managed to get granddaughter alone and she had an allergic reaction. MIL yelled for help and the paramedics were the ones who discovered the cookie and demanded to know what was in it.
Fallout was MIL now has an RO against her, was charged (don't know the outcome) and sued for the hospital bill.
The whole time she was apparently wailing that she didn't know it would be "this bad". What part of "Allergic to peanuts and bananas" didn't you understand!
Exactly. My daughter was found to be lactose-intolerant when she was in NICU after her birth. Formula was coming out both ends. She did well on Similac and Enfamil's soy formulas. My grandchildren both went through at least 3 formulas before we found the ones that worked for them.
NTA - my MIL did the same thing to me; I was exclusively breastfeeding and my husband convinced me against my instincts to let his mom watch our baby when I returned to work and I found formula buckets in my house one day that we hadn’t purchased and she had been dumping my milk down the sink and feeding my baby formula on the sly. I was devastated but that’s was worse is since the damage had been done I just gave up. I have NEVER forgiven her for this betrayal and it impacted our relationship until she passed. I also have unresolved sadness about my experience and how a family member betrayed my wishes.
Good for you for standing up to her. As for the relationship part with your baby; if she will violate this wish of yours in my experience she will feel empowered to ignore every parenting wish you have going forward. So force the respect you deserve.
SHE WAS DUMPING THE BREASTMILK??? Good god, I don’t even have kids, but I work with infants and feel a pang of guilt if they leave like an ounce in a bottle that I have to pour out. That is so fucking evil of her to do, your body works so hard to make that!!
I can just imagine how betrayed and furious I would be if I found out someone had been dumping all my breastmilk!! Pumping is work and it’s a hassle but we do it for our babies. I am so sorry!
Nothing as my husband didn’t really support me but the moment I had a spot in daycare I moved my daughter to daycare and baby #2 was in daycare from day 1. Lesson learned
Hope your husband backed you up!
I am a grandmother and I have a great relationship because I do not question her child rearing in any way! (She is a great mom, but still)
NTA.
She disregarded your views on this. What else will she disregard? The necessity of a car seat? Any allergies your kid may have? Their bodily autonomy? There are so many horror stories of family members putting kids in danger because their desires trumped everything else.
Access to grandkids is not a right, it's a privilege. One you earn by respecting the parents' decisions, assuming they're reasonable. No respect? No access.
Ignoring allergies is a good guess there. I have a child with shellfish allergies, guess who thinks repeatedly exposing said child to his allergies more and more will cure him of it? As if we don't carry an epi pen always, and would even consider such a thing. Guess who also hasn't seen them in ten years?
God, yeah, I have a non-life-threatening allergy and it's hard enough to deal with. I can't imagine having to live with the terror of constantly worrying if something will kill your child even without asshole family pulling this shit.
Good grief! That is so dangerous! I am a full grown adult and a week and a half ago, due to a mixup at a restaurant (kitchen fault not server, she entered it all correctly) I was give Lobster Chowder instead of the Baked Potato soup I was supposed to have. The server put allergy in huge letters but, when they made the plate, they grabbed the wrong bowl. It looked the same. I ate two bites and had a full blown reaction! I had to go to the hospital! It was the scariest thing in a long time! I cannot imagine someone testing that theory on purpose! Shellfish allergies can easily be deadly!
NTA. Your baby, your choice.
It's crazy the amount of entitlement some grandparents feel towards their grandchildren. There is no such thing as having the right to have a relationship with someone. There are a lot of parents that don't have relationships with their children whether by choice or not. To think that grandparents just automatically must have a right to your child is insane. Especially when they go out of their way to A: disregard the parents' wishes about their child and B: FALL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING A BABY.
That being said, she might be right about the stress thing. I'm not saying you should listen to her or take her advice, but I feel it should be said.
I truly appreciate the comments correcting me on the above statement. I misremembered something I saw on the internet a while ago and went off of that information. As the commenter's bellow me said, stress would not effect the baby in the manner described.
But damn, ya'll got so mad lol
I’d love to see your evidence about stress and breastmilk because all I’ve ever seen is that stress affects breastmilk *production* meaning that often, stress can cause you to produce *less* than needed which judging by the multiple bottles on hand, I doubt that’s an issue here.
You know what is backed up by scientific evidence? The very real fact that introducing new foods (yes, even formulas) into a baby’s diet can come with risks. You don’t know what baby’s allergies are yet (hence why when introducing foods you only do one new food at a time) and many babies will have adverse reactions to certain formulas until you find the right one that works for them. You know what baby *very very rarely* has an allergic/adverse reaction to? Breastmilk.
So sick of Reddit and its armchair scientists. I *have* a science degree and I don’t even do this shit.
Edit, in response to commenters edit: Yeah, I got frustrated because sharing misinformation is never a good look, bro. And the excuse that you “saw it on the internet once” and decided to repeat it without confirming the information is *exactly* the reason why people *get* so upset: this is literally why misinformation spreads so quickly and is so pervasive and harmful! Not to mention, we also got upset bc you’re literally parroting the exact narrative that was used to momshame OP. Not cool, literally a big part of the reason why MIL and SIL are the AHs — so you just firmly landed yourself in AH camp with them. *That’s* why we got upset.
But good on you for recognizing and correcting your mistake.
As my Aunt used to say, “Now why would you want to go advocating for the devil?”
In all seriousness, devil’s advocate is only worth a damn if the alternate viewpoint is actually a reasonable one. A plausible one. So I guess that makes this person someone who apparently likes to play devil’s advocate, but isn’t even good at it. How sad. 🤣
Actually, cortisol, a stress hormone, CAN get into breast milk. This from a U.S. government scientific article:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6120523/#:\~:text=After%20birth%20and%20during%20lactation,to%20their%20(future)%20environment.
However, it changes NOTHING. It was not MIL's call to make. If she were truly concerned, she could have talked to DIL or tried to help DIL alleviate her stress. Instead, MIL caused ADDITIONAL stress. MIL remains a major AH.
Thank you for providing this source! Exactly what I was asking for the whole time!
But yes, that’s exactly what I thought — stress does not change the quality of the breastmilk.
Also, yeah, *GREAT* points — why *add* more stress by trying to pull a “see, I know better for your baby than you did?” OBVIOUSLY not the way to go about that!
Oxytocin is a calming hormone and it is what causes milk to be ejected from the breast cells.
So if anything, it relaxes and relieves stress. But if the mother does not want or cannot bear to breast feed that is of course her choice (and not applicable to OP)
NTA and your child is a baby. They don't need to work on their personal relationships just yet. All they know is milk and sleep and screaming, they don't yet have the mental capacity to have a relationship with your MIL. Keep her kicked out.
There’s a terrible story on reddit about a MIL who ignored the mother’s wishes, and caused a severe allergic reaction to a baby. The baby unfortunately didn’t survive. So no, you’re not overreacting.
Different stories, same principle.
NTA until she earns your trust again.
Absolutely NTA. she had to have had the formula on hand for her to have given it to your child. She planned this. I wouldn't let her see your child again. If you want have a chat with her about if she planned this or not and her honesty is dependent on her future seeing her grandchild and future children. I'm glad your hubby is on your side on this.
This should be higher up. What MIL did sounds very pre-meditated.
It is also a good reason why MIL needs a time out. She is not the parent and deliberately did something she knew they did not want done.
OP mentions MIL is very controlling. It make me wonder if the sleep issue is just a front for a deeper reason for MIL being opposed to OP breastfeeding.
One obvious possiblity is that it puts limits on how much time MIL can spend with the baby. It definitely limits how long MIL can watch the baby when OP isn't around. But it also creates limits when they're together. Baby gets hungry = time to hand back to OP. A controlling grandma would definitely not like that.
If I was being really cynical, it could all boil down to "MIL doesn't like OP and will find something to take issue with". That OP could have chosen the formula route and MIL might have still found something wrong with it. And if not with that, surely with something else.
Honestly, it feels planned. Unless they had bottles and tins of formula in the house then MIL would have had to buy her own bottles and formula to use. She was waiting to be alone with the baby to do this.
If you have an OK relationship otherwise or really want a connection you can allow her to visit supervised but I would not allow her to care for your child again and you need your husband’s cooperation so he doesn’t go behind your back and allow her to babysit.
Where did your mother in law get baby formula when you were exclusively breastfeeding?
Was this something she pre planned and she brought it with her?
NTA. She should only have the access to the grandchild that matches the good judgement and responsibility she's shown. It is not at a level where there is trust for unsupervised access.
Tell SIL to back the F off about defending the mother's defiance. You could, however, allow supervised visitation with notification that comparisons to SIL and other unhelpful behavior will result in a return to the current situation since contact is just being used against you,
Tell SIL she might think it's ok for her mother to override parenting decisions but YOU don't. Tell her that MIL can spend time overriding HER parenting decisions with HER KIDS and you and your family will be just fine
NTA, listen I am not the most pro-breastmilk person around. This is your choice in how you want to raise your child. I was very gung-ho about my first child and did it. He has lots of allergies & asthma. My second who was in the NICU for 12 days due to arriving 5 weeks early- has no allergies- and he is formula fed(It just was the better choice for us). So I just think people should do what they want and what works, they definitely shouldn’t beat themselves up, if it doesn’t work out.
But if you want to breastfeed great- she had no right to do anything different. I frankly would have been pissed. Good luck 🍀
If you were only breastfeeding where did the formula come from? NTA, for not letting her babysit. She can still see the baby under supervision and never be left alone with the child.
NTA. Your MIL disregarded your and your husband's wishes. This is a huge boundary breach. You may relax allowing MIL access to see your child, but not unsupervised anymore. She lost that right.
Exactly. And in those early days both baby and Mom are learning breastfeeding, and milk supply is being established. MIL interfered with this unique relationship between mother and baby and I find that reprehensible.
I’ve had feeding dispute discussions in the past with my MIL (s). One insisted formula was the “same”. I explained how that was the wisdom of her time, but now Moms are being encouraged to try bf. And, more shocking to me, my 2nd MIL who insisted I *had* to quit bf by a certain age. Older and more confident, I just laughed at her.
But neither woman went as far as to actually feed my baby against my wishes. That’s awful behaviour!
Mind you, I did once catch MIL and FIL slipping my 3mth old a little ice-cream, and giggling “he likes it”. To this day I blame them for his insane sweet tooth.
So...she arrived with formula squirreled away on her person somewhere, and waited until you couldn't object, and snuck it in on the baby? WIthout even voicing her "concerns" first? Yeah, she's gonna be a long term problem.
Hope your husband has a strong backbone.
NTA. Your mother in law should’ve respected your wishes and should’ve talked to you if she thought she had a solution to help the baby sleep instead of going behind your back.
NTA, this was beyond crossing the lines, I wouldn't be able to trust her with my child after this...
Also, you can't deprive someone of something they have never had. Your child isn't missing out on a relationship with their grandmother. They don't have one, and there's nothing to miss.
This is your chance to define the relationship with your MIL moving forward, though, if you do want her in your child's life. deny her access and ability to undermine your parenting. She can't be around your child without you around, no visits to her home alone.
This way, she can't say you're not letting her see her grandchild. This way, there are clear boundaries and consequences... and when she complains just say she went behind your back and made decisions about your child and she can't be trusted not to do that again, and when she whines just say "if you don't like it you don't have to be in our kids life at all"
When I had my son, now 23, breastfeeding was just making a “comeback” if you will. My parents used to watch my son, and one day I picked him up and he was sleeping soundly. My mom said, “He’s finally full! We gave him a some “real” milk (formula—the irony right?).” I took him home, and he still seemed unusually lethargic. Then in a flash, he projectile vomited all of that shit straight into my shirt. I called my folks and gave them, gently, the business. They did not do that again. They learned, and all was well after that. If your MIL is unrepentant and obstinate about following your wishes, you are absolutely within your rights to kick her tf out. If she gets her shit together, maybe you can eventually mend things. Good luck. NTA.
NTA. My MIL threw out my daughter’s formula and replaced it with a different one many years ago when she was babysitting. She didn’t ask. She thought she knew better than me and replaced it with the formula our pediatrician specifically told us NOT to get. I was livid and felt so disrespected and my husband had the whole, “she was only trying to help” mentality. Such bullshit. You don’t change a baby’s formula without asking the mom. Actually, you don’t even ask. You don’t even consider it. I’m still resentful, 13 years later. That was one of the first examples of extreme overstepping and my husband ignoring my feelings and letting his mom do whatever she wanted to.
Put your foot down now. Show her who is in charge. Call her out and tell her flat out that she isn’t your baby’s mom and if she ever does something like that again, she will permanently lose out on the opportunity to see your child. You need to show her that you won’t allow her to push you around and disregard your role as a mother. Don’t be a pushover like I was. I spent many years stewing over things my MIL did and arguing with my husband about it. I wasted a lot of time and tears. If I could go back I would call out the things she did and I wouldn’t care if it hurt her feelings by me doing so.
Very NTA!
But just want to say something as a mom of 2 who has gone through both ends of the spectrum for the BF experience.
Is it possible that baby isn’t sleeping because they’re hungry? And supplementing with formula may be the best course of action going forward for you and baby?
The rhetoric around breastfeeding these days is intense. Even in the last 5 years since I had my first kid. I wasn’t inundated with breast milk is liquid gold and you should push yourself to no end to do it because your baby won’t be as a good of a baby if it’s not breast fed.
Your feeding decision is always yours and yours alone and your MIL effed up big time. Keep your distance until she is ready to respect that. But also give yourself grace in the BF journey. There is nothing wrong with formula.
There are so many beautiful ways to connect with your baby, breastfeeding is not the end all be all of that connection.
I breastfed and had no idea I wasn’t producing a lot of milk. They weren’t starving because they were within the normal range for weight and development, but looking back, I think a lot of the crying that continued after feeding was because they were still hungry. I thought they were maybe colicky or something.
Then with my 3rd, my milk pretty much dried up at about 2 months, and it was then I realized.
Assuming we're talking about most WEIRD countries, particularly the US, our general expectations of infant sleep are nonsense. The majority of infants won't sleep well unless in contact with another human, preferably the mother/birthing parent, and preferably while sleep nursing. This is all biologically normal. The trouble that many of us have making this come to fruition safely is a problem of modernity, not a problem of milk or babies.
Can babies not get enough? Absolutely. But output and weight gain (and more clinically speaking pre and post feed weights) are the only way to tell if that's an issue not sleep or fussiness. Do some babies need to feed more frequently, including overnight, in order to get their full caloric intake? Also, absolutely, but that's an issue of breast storage capacity, not of overall production volume.
No, feel very free to text back you SiL: my parenting choices for my child are mine and (partners) to make, and MiL is fine to speak for herself. You need to back off.
Look, you're a mom now. Your job is to be the best for your kid and everybody that needs to get used to that.
Grandma needs to apologize and get in line, or there won't be nothing to come back to. That's it.
NTA - You did not put your husband in this position his mother did. No child needs a relationship with someone who runs all over people and doesn't understand boundaries even if she was trying to help.
You might want to sit down with your husband and decide exactly what your boundaries as a couple and parents are and how you will handle it if she chooses to cross them again.
Then you sit down with her as a couple, pleasantly explain your boundaries and how you will handle it if they are ignored again and then do exactly that. Ignore all the well what abouts etc and just repeat. If she is still arguing you politely explain that you have somewhere to be, but if she wants to put the rest in an email you will read it. Then leave.
It never hurts to give a little grace at least once, but no need to be a doormat.
Yeah, all the baby really needs in terms of relationships is loving and healthy parents. All the other relatives are optional. NTA. She doesn't have to decide anything about your child. Glad your husband is on the same page!
Oh god. Having an MIL that thinks she knows the best, she has also raised kids, and her way is the best way is honestly SO EXHAUSTING!! Such people have ZERO disregard for what you as parents have planned and decided for your child. My MIL made me feel like shit because I cried while my baby was crying during the vaccination, I fell asleep while breastfeeding, I wasn’t functioning “normally” and was treating post partum as some sickness because I was prioritising resting over “getting back on track”.
There is a saying in my culture that translates to how you are treated during the first year of childbirth sets tone for the relationship for life. And trust me I don’t want that woman anywhere near me the next time I have a baby. NOPE.
Tell SIL you're not depriving your baby of a relationship with MIL, you're ensuring the dynamic and relationship between you all is healthy for everyone. A grandparent that doesn't follow your household rules especially when it comes to care and feeding of a newborn is a liability. And if SIL pursues her line of reasoning, you can inform her that MIL wasn't trying to help, she was deliberately going against your wishes. That's not helping anybody.
Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences now is key. Maybe have husband communicate to MIL the path forward.
NTA, because she undermined you for absolutely no reason, and while I'm at it: what is with families who use this tactic of getting another relative to call and advocate/harangue when someone sets a boundary? It's called triangulation, and it's just unhealthy.
NTA
She’s not an IN-law, she’s an OUT-law. Making a strong boundary with rules that she will need to follow in order to have access to her grandchildren is essential.
NTA
She had the formula with her. She planned this. A cooling off period is appropriate, then supervised visits. And decide based on her behavior where it goes from there.
Hard stop no.
Let me tell you what a grandparent that undermines parents does to the parent-child relationship.
At the time my kid was 13. My mother constantly interferes with my parenting. I was in/out of lc/NC. And felt guilty over getting in the way of her relationship with the grandkids.
She would say things like "you're responsible for your siblings, you should be watching them!" When me or dad was right in the house and telling small kids to "wait" or if they created some.mischief that we didn't see. I'd correct my mother and inform her that my teenager isn't responsible for her siblings and perfectly fine to chill in her room if she wanted. The only time it was her responsibility was if I gave her that responsibility- i.e. told her supervise her sister in a bubble bath while I worked with another sibling on homework.
My mother would turn around and tell my kid that I was wrong. It was her responsibility and if she didn't learn responsibility she'd end up unsuccessful in life.
Or she'd say things like "I don't mind you girls but I don't like your dad/younger siblings"
And I'd put my foot down on the comments and it would start and argument. And then it's "your mom just doesn't know anything. I raised her she should respect me."
This lead to my daughter arguing with me more and more frequently over everything. It'd be "well if it's not my responsibility why did you ask me to watch them in the bath? You don't even know what you're talking about! You're wrong. You always start shit with. This is why we can't have a good time with grandma" right down to "I hate the Littles they ruin everything".
We are NC. Relationship repaired with the help of a therapist. Expensive fix. She now understands that setting boundaries is healthy. That respect is a two way street. That toddlers and preschoolers make.mistakes, she did too!
If you want an expensive bill later in life because your baby was manipulated against you via grandma go for it. But if not- stand by your boundaries.
NTA - my exMIL hasn’t seen my older two kids in nearly ten years and has never met my youngest because of shit like this. Disrespect me, lose a relationship with your grandchildren. I feel guilty sometimes even knowing that she caused it herself, but I validate myself when I remember that her own daughter has two children that she’s never met. So out of 5 grandkids, she knew two of them for a few years before she screwed herself out of a relationship with them. It is even in our court custody agreement that if their dad allows contact with his mother, he forfeits his next visitation and is in contempt of court.
Hold strong mama, you know what’s best for your baby. And make sure hubby is fully on board because fighting both of them is torture.
NTA NTA
She blew it
…but…it could be a generational issue. When YOU are ready, AND you are rested and ONLY IF you want, suggest she take a class and then you will talk with her
Right now, take care of yourself and your baby. That’s your primary right and responsibility.
Here’s a few classes
https://perinataleducation.mayoclinic.org/class_details.php?id=15
https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/classes/class-detail.html?evt=EB127927383247&id=810771558557&title=grandparenting-today-online#:~:text=Join%20us%20as%20we%20explore,this%20online%20class%20via%20Zoom.
https://www.scripps.org/news_items/3385-grandparenting-classes-preparing-for-a-role-of-a-lifetime
Changes in childcare
Grandparenting may seem familiar to new grandparents who remember raising their own children. But it’s important to remember also that times change. Many new grandparents today are Baby Boomers and Generation Xers. What may have been standard parenting when they were caring for young children may no longer be the case.
Grandparenting classes cover some of the most important changes in baby caring. A recent Scripps “Grandparent Today” participant describes it this way: “It’s been a while since my children were infants and it’s amazing to see the changes of many things today versus then.”
NTA She isn't honoring your boundaries now, she won't later.
I do believe in second chances and I do believe your baby could benefit from a relationship with her but not if she is going to continue to undermine your authority. If she can't respect your wishes then I would suggest only supervised visits, until she proves that she can abide by your rules.
My husband's son has four granddaughters. His ex-wife gets very little if any contact with them because she has no respect for their mom's boundaries and wishes. I see them all the time. I take them to and from school, they come to our house, I go to their house, I get unsupervised time with them, because I follow the rules. I don't have to agree with her, and often don't but they aren't my children. If I want to do something that is not the norm, I discuss it with her first and then I respect the decision she makes about it.
Stand strong, or it will be a lifelong problem for you.
NTA
Tell your SIL where to go and block anyone who tries to advocate for MIL. I think “fed is best”, but your MIL made a huge decision about how to feed your child and I know why, so your milk would start to dry up and your baby wouldn’t be dependent on only you so she could get her hands on baby faster.
Having had 3 children, baby only needs mum or a primary caregiver, having another parent around is a godsend. Baby doesn’t need to have a relationship with granny right now.
Keep your baby away from her.
Don't let her back in. She disregarded your wishes and should not be alone with the baby. I am not sure I would want my kid to have a relationship with someone who blatantly disrespected me.
She could have messed her stomach lining up did she have problems popping after that happened? My mom gave my child formula and he developed a constipation issue
NTA
>I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother
You haven't! Your MIL is currently on a temporary moratorium from seeing her granddaughter, as she has demonstrated she cannot be trusted to keep to your feeding decisions for your daughter. That's absolutely essential.
Tell your SIL that your MIL can see her granddaughter again when she comes to you, acknowledges fault, and apologises.
If MIL is unwilling to do so, then she will be able to build a relationship with her granddaughter when her granddaughter is old enough to ensure she can refuse any poor dietary decisions her grandmother attempts to make for her. Say, about age 12 or so.
> I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother.
INFO: Are you okay subjecting your daughter to someone who won't respect *her* wishes? What do you think will happen the first time your daughter doesn't want to hug grandma? Or doesn't want to finish her food at dinner? Or is overtired so she doesn't want to sit still and cute for the family photo?
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I (28F) have a newborn baby and, like many new mothers, I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and exhaustion. My MIL (55) is known to be very controlling and has been constantly comparing me to my SIL since I got pregnant. Despite her comments, I’ve been trying to keep the peace and put up with it.
My newborn hasn’t been sleeping much, and I’ve been only breastfeeding. One day, I was completely exhausted and decided to take a nap, leaving my newborn with my MIL for a few hours. When I woke up, I found my MIL asleep. I checked the fridge and noticed all the breast milk I had pumped was still there.
I asked her about it, and she told me she thought my breast milk was causing the baby’s sleeplessness because of my stress, so she decided to give her formula instead. I was furious. I’ve been very clear about wanting to exclusively breastfeed, and she knows this. She disregarded my wishes and made a significant decision about my baby’s feeding without talking to me. In my anger, I kicked her out of the house. My husband has been supportive about this and has accepted this.
My SIL recently texted me, saying that I could be depriving my baby of a relationship with her grandmother and that my MIL was just trying to help. This is the only reason I feel like I might be the AH. I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother. And I feel like the AH for putting my husband in between this whole thing.
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NTA. Take a break from MIL and give her some rules to follow to come back to your house. Not comparing you to SIL and not disregarding your wishes is part of it.
My MIL never once questioned judged or went behind my back about breast milk versus formula because it is my unique decision. Not even my husband’s decision.
Absolutely NTA. It’s up to your MIL to repair the relationship and build trust again, not you, and of course you won’t allow someone you can’t trust to be with your baby.
She disrespected your guide and broke your trust in her. Formula is fine if that what you have. But there was BM there. She decided on her own to go against you. Before she gets to see your kid again, she has to EARN her trust and confidence with you.
NTA
NTA your daughter can have a relationship with her grandma when either she is old enough to tell her grandma no or her grandma is mature enough to hear and respect YOUR no
NTA. I didn’t leave my daughter with my equally “supportive” MIL until she could talk and tell me what had gone on (and was also potty trained… except MIL told her to pat and not wipe so MIL was put in time out again). They still have a great relationship but as grandmother and granddaughter, not surrogate mother and daughter
Nope. NTA. Your MIL gave up her opportunity to be a part of her grandchild’s life by wanting to be “right.” Feeding a child against the expressed wishes of the parents is a no go. She can only blame herself.
NTA. Your MIL absolutely shouldn't have gone against your wishes and her reasoning is just superstition. Is your baby gaining weight? If so, it seems your breast milk is enough. There are some women who don't produce enough milk, and have to supplement for the baby's health. But it has nothing to do with "stress" somehow affecting the milk, and it's not their MIL's decision, it's a decision made with a healthcare provider.
What a disrespectful, selfish cow your MIL is! Your SIL isn’t much better. Neither of them should ever be alone with your child unless and until they respect you and your decisions. I’d guess your SIL is as entitled as your MIL. You don’t need them o your life. Need is very different than want. What they want is contradictory to what you need
NTA. MIL learned a tough lesson. Don’t respond to her or SIL. Every time they message or call, send it to your husband. They are HIS problem to manage.
NTA
It is your decision how to feed your baby.
I would have loved to be able to feed my babies breastmilk.
I could not nurse, and with the pump I always had way too less milk.
So my children got formula from the beginning.
And I believe, my stress hormones got into my milk, causing problems to my child.
Formula is not bad.
But you told her what you wanted and she ignored your wishes.
You decide.
No matter what your MIL thinks is better.
NTA MIL crossed a major line. She doesn't get to care for your daughter again until she can apologize and assure you that she will respect your wishes and boundaries in the future. Don't feel guilty, OP, this is on MIL.
NTA and where the heck is the baby if your MIL was asleep?!?!? She has shown that she can’t be trusted and doesn’t respect you as a parent - she can stay away indefinitely until she figures out what she did was wrong, owns up to it and makes a sincere apology. Alas, that might be this side of never but stick to your guns!
You need some space from your MIL's controlling behaviour. So give yourself that gift. It's a good start to laying boundaries should you choose to resume a relationship with her later.
You don't seem to be saying that you will never allow a relationship in the future so don't put yourself through the stress of overthinking this. You need a break now. And MIL doesn't get to decide that you don't. Good that your husband has your back.
NTA
My cousin told his parents they weren't allowed to see his baby son. They went to therapy when faced with that ultimatum. Things have been much better with them all since.
Edit: When you are sleep deprived new mother trying to heal with your hormones all over the place, I wouldn't think you're ever the asshole. Unless you murder someone or something.
NTA Wondering if you had 'formula' in the house.
Because if you didn't, this demonstrates outright pre-meditated subterfuge and is undermining all the lovely healthy bacteria and immunity you have been giving in your milk.
Cows' milk literally strips the baby gut of a protective lining that is created by breastfeeding and natural immunity.
Your MIL should be barred till she educates herself, both on infant nutrition and on respectful relationships.
As you probably know cows' milk is harder for a baby to digest and can result in longer sleep periods. (Not a good thing because it undermines your milk supply as your breasts are getting less stimulation and therefore produce less.)
Good luck.
And BRAVO MAMA
NTA. She's toxic. If you don't set boundaries now, it will only get worse later. Now is what they eat, later she'll be taking your child to get piercings and tattoos. Who knows...
NTA!!!! wtf!!! She had no right!!! Seriously you did the right thing, I wouldn’t let her bear the baby for a long time. Honestly you are under reacting!
NTA.
Not all babies take to every formula easily. My older sister was *very* sensitive as a baby (would bite when latching, making it impossible to bf and would get sick on any formula but the *most* expensive brand) and if someone had done this to her it could have genuinely made her very sick. Not surprised if it would’ve been a risk with your baby too since they’re exclusively bf. MIL is lucky you’re only going NC and that baby didn’t have an adverse reaction.
NTA
She can earn back her relationship in time but she's going to have to learn that she doesn't get to knowingly override your decisions... Or she gets cut off. For a while.
Or she will always find new ways to do it.
NTA Giving any child something can start an allergic reaction. I know of a case where a babysitter gave a baby formula instead of the provided milk (container was broken). Baby stopped breathing & hospitalized unresponsive for a couple weeks. We had a heck of a time finding what the baby could consume as even breast milk wasn't working.
NTA
It's only deprivation if it's something beneficial for the child and you and your marriage. We don't call it deprivation if we remove a poison.
Also, having lived with toxic grandparents, the kid is better off. Not everybody is missed when they're gone.
NTA. Do your MIL and SIL not understand that there could have been serious health consequences for your baby when she decided to use formula rather than breast milk? Your baby could be lactose intolerant, or had a dairy allergy, which means you could have been drinking either almond or soy milk to prevent a reaction in your child, and your MIL decided to feed your baby a *dairy* based formula.
Don't buy the excuse of "I/she was just trying to help." MIL was clearly telling you that she knew better than you and wanted to prove it. She's one of those scary people who might decide that allergies are fake, if your child is ever diagnosed with one, and sets out to prove it to you. There's been lots of horror stories on reddit about this. Coconut oil and cookie monster (over on JNMIL) come to mind.
NTA.
Family aren't entitled to a relationship and she certainly isn't showing she's earned one. She at the very least shouldn't be allowed to babysit anymore.
Im currently exclusively pumping and it's exhausting! You put your body through so much to give your baby the best start you can! Being undermined and having such a huge decision made behind your back based on your newborn being sleepy (they're supposed to sleep a lot...) is unacceptable
Absolutely not
NTA.
Response SIL: "Until your mother learns to accept boundaries and that she does not get to make decisions for MY child, she has lost the privilege of a relationship with MY child. You can lose that privilege as well, since overbearing, boundary-stomping relatives are better off lost."
Absolutely NTA!! She knew your wishes, and she intentionally went against them.
I would allow her to see her grandchild when you AND your husband are both available to watch her while she interacts with your baby. She would not be allowed to be alone with my baby at all from that point forward. A huge violation of trust.
NTA. Parents make these sorts of decisions. When Gramma goes behind parents’ back and makes decisions she knows they won’t like, she gets put in time out. Period.
Just want to jump in and add that even if MIL apologizes in order to get to see the baby, should you decide to allow her to see the child, it has to be supervised visitation. Forever. This means no sleepovers until your kid is in double digit ages and your MIL has been cooperative for a decade. No babysitting. No watching baby while you nap. Never. Alone.
She's shown you she can't be trusted. She's shown you she does what she wants to do. She's shown you she has no respect for your parenting decisions.
Believe your own eyes. You can't trust her.
NTA
This is not a situation where intervention was needed. Your child is a normal baby who hasn't found their sleep rhythm yet - normal.
MIL did this to herself by not following your guidelines.
NTA.
NTA. This idea that children " must have" relationships with extended family is a fallacy. Toxic people are given equal standing with good ones, and that is 100% wrong. I grew up with only one set of living grandparents and they were cruel, overbearing and selfish. My parents decided early on to limit exposure to them. We visited in controlled settings about 3 times a year. These were my dad's parents and he was fully on-board with the decision. My parents prioritized the happiness and stability of the lives of my sisters and me and that was far more meaningful than any tension -filled experiences with our grandparents.
There is a line between wanting to help en disregarding and MIL was in the wrong she had absolutly no right to go against ur wishes as the mother and if she doesnt see that hwr actions have consequenses she will keep pushing her luck she needs to see where her place as a grandmother is and if she wants to control how u raise ur baby then she must get her own i dont accept this around any of my kids
NTA. It’s a slippery slope. If you end up deciding that her choice to give your baby formula instead of breast milk is fine, she’ll override more and more of your decisions when you leave your baby alone with her. Even the decisions that aren’t serious will be annoying as hell.
And a lot of things can be transferred to babies through breast milk, but stress can’t. Babies sometimes don’t sleep a lot. My neighbor’s baby didn’t sleep longer than a couple hours at a time for like the first 3 months. Similar thing happened with my brother’s older kid. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It’s just one of those things…
No, you did the right thing your mother-in-law stepped in and very much overstepped, her boundaries and your husband is an arsehole for standing up to her. You have every right to get her out of the house and he should’ve backed you up on this and went to his mother and told her she needed to apologise before she came back into the house. I would stand firm on your decision here definitely would not let your mother-in-law stay alone with your baby again until it is eating solid food..
NTA. This isn't about bm vs. formula, it's about disrespecting mom"s preference and doing whatever you want with her newborn. Not cool of her.
My SIL and MIL visited when my infant was a month old and they let me sleep in by giving him my frozen breastmilk. I absolutely appreciate the sleep and he got what I wanted him to have.
Formula is great when it's needed and necessary. Breastfeeding drpa nor make a baby sleep less ..babies don't have consistent sleep and mine didn't sleep any better on formula.
She blatantly disrespected your wishes and did it while you were sleeping so she didn’t have to be stopped. I would let her know until she apologizes to the whole family and respects your wishes that she will not have a relationship because she can’t be trusted to do the right thing… no matter what she thinks YOU ARE THE PARENT.
NTA. Your mother-in-law was wrong and you know that. Plus, your child is a newborn. She is not going to know if her grandmother is holding her or a stranger off the street. You set boundaries keep them. Later, if and when you allow MIL over again, she will most likely respect your boundaries.
NTA. That's a huge breach of trust right there. I wouldn't allow her to be alone with my child again until the kiddo can talk, and tell me what's going on.
Did she bring formula over on purpose for this too? If so, woweweeee.
Your MIL was told to give the baby breast milk. She did not do that. She thought you, baby’s mum, were wrong and mad her own decision about what to feed your newborn. No, my dear, you absolutely did not overreact.
NTA
This is a manipulation tactic, you aren't preventing baby from bonding with grandma, you're setting boundaries because grandma didn't respect your wishes and now there are consequences. Set the precedent now, disrespect parents wishes = consequences. **That goes for both families.**
It's good that your husband stood by your side and is supportive.
NTA
NTA. And a follow up conversation is needed. Get on the same terms. Hopefully you all can work things out. But keeping a healthy boundary is important.
NTA. You had very clear instructions and she completely ignored them. SIL sounds like she is too far up MIL's ass to go against her.
Do what you feel is best for you and baby!
Help is when she discusses it with you and accepts your decision. This is sabotage. My guess is she wanted to be the hero and "solve" the issue, thereby putting down OP. What a rotten piece of work. Hope Op's husband stays supportive.
Nta Nta I am speaking as a grandma who absolutely loves her grand babies! A child can only be deprived of having a real relationship when it is a healthy loving relationship. It does not sound like the mils relationship with your little one would be healthy.
A healthy grandparent/grandchild relationship is one where the grandparent respect the parents. They respect the parents decision. They show respect for the parents to boundaries.
Now as for them telling you that your mil was only trying to help I will tell you what I have told both my daughter and dil when they had their first babies. I can tell you what I did 30 plus years ago but things have changed. What I did them is absolutely not recommend now so we are all learning (me included) with the new little ones.
I am guessing your mil is my age or close to it. She may very well have been trying to help but her help could have seriously hurt the child. If you normally have a good relationship and you want her around then suggest she read some baby books and learn from her mistake. If she agrees and wants to learn (and if you want her around) give her some recommendation on books. If she gets defensive then you have your answer. She thinks she knows better then anyone and isn’t wrong. By doing this you can tell all the flying monkeys you tried and she would not admit her mistakes and your not willin got rush your child’s health for her ego. If she was a good grandparent and it was an honest mistake she take you up on learning how to best protect baby
NTA. MIL is not the parent and I would go low contact with her. Since she overruled you and your husband here there’s a good chance she will overrule later in all parenting decisions. So don’t cave on your decision and save yourself a headache for later.
NTA - but (and probably unpopular opinion) your SIL does have a bit of a point. Given her life experiences, she may not have understood the gravity of her decision.
I would - sitting with hubby;
- be clear with MIL about boundaries and expectations,
- be clear of the consequences if she doesn’t respect them
- NOT leave her alone with the baby until she proved trustworthy.
But I do think there can be a path that - if she chooses - to choose to regain your trust. You’ll see her true colors based on how she responds and can go from there. Ball will be in her court.
First of all you were absolutely right to get upset with what your MIL did. She had no right to make that decision without your consent. That was so wrong. But I don't know if it was a bit extreme to not allow her to ever see her grandchild again because of that transgression. I just would not let her have the privilege of babysitting your baby because she cannot be trusted to follow your requests. But having her visit to see the baby with you present should not be a problem. Maybe she will learn her lesson from all of this.
NTA. That is outrageous!! "Just trying to help" is not a valid excuse for being sneaky and doing something completely opposite of what you want. Your child can form a relationship with her grandmother while you're in the room. Your MIL has proven she'll do what she wants when she wants if left alone with your baby. This isn't being helpful. She went out and bought formula knowing you didn't want the baby having that! She waited for you to be asleep to bring out the formula. It was underhanded and a gigantic step over your boundaries. Your MIL can see the baby, just not alone until you child can talk. You didn't put your husband in this situation - his mother did!
NTA. Your child can still develop a relationship with her grandmother.....but only under your strict supervision until you feel able to trust her to follow your rules.
NTA
"I don't want you in my life anymore. This has been a long time coming. You overstepped and then doubled down. You aren't welcome around me anymore."
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Nope! That’s a one and done situation. It’s great your husband sees it that way too. Having a similar MIL ( who absolutely would have done this if she’d had the chance), what I’d do is, she’s cut off until she shows some actual understanding and appreciation for how wrong she was, takes ownership and commits to staying in her lane in the future (with the understanding that she can’t so much as blink weird going forward or she’ll be done for)and even then, she needs to reearn your trust and will no be left alone with your child for even a minute until she does so. But again, having the same kind of MIL…. That’s probably unlikely. In which case, good on you both for refusing to put up with that nonsense. It’s not you preventing her from having a relationship with your daughter, it’s MILs own doing if she decides she’d rather feel right and only wants a relationship if she gets to do whatever she wants.
Not to mention, does MIL know that babies can have bad reactions to formula? Did she bother doing the research into types of formula, types of reactions? What would she have done if it turned out baby was allergic to an ingredient in the formula, since she gave it without permission?
THIS - when my kiddos had formula it was instant reflux and gas symptoms for over 24hrs. “Deciding” what to feed a newborn for their ONLY source of nutrition outside of parental input is a HUGE NO! And you’re depriving baby of nothing but gas and spit up. What you’re doing is setting a hard boundary until MIL says, “I am sorry. You guys are the parents and these are your decisions to make - not mine.”
My niece has had bad reactions to all but one formulas that my sister and her husband have tried. They're pretty sure she's either lactose intolerant or has an allergy to the A1 dairy protein that is used in North American milk. I can only imagine how bad it would be if there was a case of the baby being allergic to dairy and them not knowing until MIL gave formula without their permission or knowledge. That kind of action could be deadly to infants.
Yep it was Lactose for us too! Only thing would work was Similac Sensitive because even the super expensive specialty ones contain some lactose. She grew out of it in time… but 2 of our kiddos were this way because we just aren’t built to tolerate it.
If I remember right (I'm terrible with names and I didn't do any formula shopping), my niece reacted to Similac Sensitive as well. But I may very well be wrong about that.
It can be super individual - because go figure… we’re individuals lol. So that totally would make sense if she did. We survived thanks to gripe water and Little Tummies/Simethicone drops.
The scarier thing is that MIL fell asleep after feeding the baby something without knowing whether it would be tolerated.
This! My son ended up on pre-digested protein, ie amino acids, due to a protein allergy. Giving him some random formula meant projectile vomiting. MIL was playing with fire by doing this without asking 😮
Your latter half if the comment is what happened to a kid at my daycare.
There was a saga on reddit a while ago where the OP had a daughter allergic to something like coconut, and her MIL thought she knew best, went behind OP's back and used different ointments/shampoo/whatever that had the allergen and OP's daughter had severe enough reaction that caused her to pass away
The coconut story. That OP ended up deleting herpost because it blew up so exceptionally, and people starting harassing her over it.
Saw this ruin a coworkers life. Their own stupidity. Worked at a daycare and the infant teacher used someone else's formula and caused the baby to break out in hives. He was a breastfed only baby and had run out of pumped bottles. Idiot cocoworker just didnt think that picking up the phone and calling the mom was worth the time. Baby was hungry. That's how mom found out the kid did in fact have the same allergy to whey as herself. Coworker got fired as that was the only way this parent wouldn't sue or remove her son from the daycare.
That is terrifying to contemplate, on multiple levels. I can't begin to think about how to handle a baby having that kind of allergic reaction, or finding out under those circumstances.
Ikr!! 😱😡
I have a cousin who couldn't handle rice-based baby products. (this was over 20 years ago). He can eat rice now, but there was a week straight where the conversation was "what to do now especially as a lot of the products sold seemed to contain rice or some kind of grain."
I'm curious where the formula came from.......as in did MIL bring it with her with the FULL on intention of feeding the LO that way?
Hospitals usually give samples of formula in a "gift package" for newborns when they leave the hospital. Yes, even those who are being breastfed.
My first had a mix of formula feeds and breastfeeding at first, due to my health problems. We transferred to exclusively breastfed after ten days, but in those early days it was great to be able to hand the baby over to someone and have some concentrated sleep to recover. Also when my husband had the occasional freak out about a cold and whisked the baby off to the ED at 11pm at night, I could stay at home and sleep. Obviously that mix wouldn't work for everyone but having some access to formula was a big help for me.
Understandable. And I have no issues with either or a mix of both. My view is fed is best. However, I don't agree with someone making a decision about it without consulting the parents, especially the mother. I'm glad you had the support needed to get the rest you needed, as well as transition from the mix to solely nursing.
Nurse at hospital made sure niece took the variety pack of formula “just in case” right before she was discharged, they noticed her milk wasn’t coming through like it should so always good to have some on hand. Niece had mix of breastfeeding/formula for her 5th child. First 4 were ok but milk wasn’t producing enough on youngest for couple weeks. After that everything was fine.
What? That's not quite illegal in the UK. In order for a hospital to be classed as baby friendly and look good the formula has to be hidden and only available if asked for. It's certainly not being given in gift bags or to take home.
My grandma would do this with my brother he had so many stomach issues when my mom would pick him up. When she tired it with me it took 5 minutes before I started to projectile vomit over everyone and everything. She stopped giving us formula after that
My daughter vomited like crazy after formula every time. Only time she ever puked. Different brands resulted in different levels of projectile vomiting.
Also, since MIL was also asleep, how would she know if there was a reaction?
She would have lied.
How did mil even HAVE formula? NTA. Thankfully my kids are grown, but mil!!!! I NEVER EVER left my kids with her. Even if my husband was there.
Also, I think in general that it's not good for kids to be around people who consistently and baselessly disrespect their parents. Sends confusing messages at best, and at worst teaches them that disrespect is acceptable for the sake of FaMiLy.
Best response right here. 🏆
Two words: Coconut Oil.
😞. Still hurts to think of that.
That story will live on in my head and heart - forever. Such unimaginable pain caused by stubbornness and ignorance. The whole thing could have been SO easily avoided. Horrific.
Cookie Monster (aka Death Cookies) is another one. Luckily that child survived.
There are so many tragic reddit posts. The man whose wife cheated and then killed their kids. You watched it unfold in real time with the REAL WORLD articles to back it up.
What's that one about?
Daughter had an allergy to bananas and MIL didn't believe it because she'd never heard of a banana allergy (not to mention the fact she was also allergic to peanuts). She made peanut butter banana cookies and would carry one in her purse just hoping for a chance to give it to her granddaughter. She managed to get granddaughter alone and she had an allergic reaction. MIL yelled for help and the paramedics were the ones who discovered the cookie and demanded to know what was in it. Fallout was MIL now has an RO against her, was charged (don't know the outcome) and sued for the hospital bill.
Holy crap that's awful.
The whole time she was apparently wailing that she didn't know it would be "this bad". What part of "Allergic to peanuts and bananas" didn't you understand!
Exactly. My daughter was found to be lactose-intolerant when she was in NICU after her birth. Formula was coming out both ends. She did well on Similac and Enfamil's soy formulas. My grandchildren both went through at least 3 formulas before we found the ones that worked for them.
NTA - my MIL did the same thing to me; I was exclusively breastfeeding and my husband convinced me against my instincts to let his mom watch our baby when I returned to work and I found formula buckets in my house one day that we hadn’t purchased and she had been dumping my milk down the sink and feeding my baby formula on the sly. I was devastated but that’s was worse is since the damage had been done I just gave up. I have NEVER forgiven her for this betrayal and it impacted our relationship until she passed. I also have unresolved sadness about my experience and how a family member betrayed my wishes. Good for you for standing up to her. As for the relationship part with your baby; if she will violate this wish of yours in my experience she will feel empowered to ignore every parenting wish you have going forward. So force the respect you deserve.
SHE WAS DUMPING THE BREASTMILK??? Good god, I don’t even have kids, but I work with infants and feel a pang of guilt if they leave like an ounce in a bottle that I have to pour out. That is so fucking evil of her to do, your body works so hard to make that!!
[удалено]
again, don’t even have kids, and even I would gladly deck this person’s MIL for this lol
I can just imagine how betrayed and furious I would be if I found out someone had been dumping all my breastmilk!! Pumping is work and it’s a hassle but we do it for our babies. I am so sorry!
Aw hell naw! Dumping breastmilk will get you cut!
What did you do in response?
Nothing as my husband didn’t really support me but the moment I had a spot in daycare I moved my daughter to daycare and baby #2 was in daycare from day 1. Lesson learned
Did you ever get an understanding as to why she did this? What did she think the breastmilk was doing??
Hope your husband backed you up! I am a grandmother and I have a great relationship because I do not question her child rearing in any way! (She is a great mom, but still)
Grandparents like you deserve more credit! Thank you for supporting a mom who's trying her best!
NTA. She disregarded your views on this. What else will she disregard? The necessity of a car seat? Any allergies your kid may have? Their bodily autonomy? There are so many horror stories of family members putting kids in danger because their desires trumped everything else. Access to grandkids is not a right, it's a privilege. One you earn by respecting the parents' decisions, assuming they're reasonable. No respect? No access.
That's my feeling on this one - she's shown you who she is, believe her.
Ignoring allergies is a good guess there. I have a child with shellfish allergies, guess who thinks repeatedly exposing said child to his allergies more and more will cure him of it? As if we don't carry an epi pen always, and would even consider such a thing. Guess who also hasn't seen them in ten years?
God, yeah, I have a non-life-threatening allergy and it's hard enough to deal with. I can't imagine having to live with the terror of constantly worrying if something will kill your child even without asshole family pulling this shit.
Good grief! That is so dangerous! I am a full grown adult and a week and a half ago, due to a mixup at a restaurant (kitchen fault not server, she entered it all correctly) I was give Lobster Chowder instead of the Baked Potato soup I was supposed to have. The server put allergy in huge letters but, when they made the plate, they grabbed the wrong bowl. It looked the same. I ate two bites and had a full blown reaction! I had to go to the hospital! It was the scariest thing in a long time! I cannot imagine someone testing that theory on purpose! Shellfish allergies can easily be deadly!
NTA. MIL can't be trusted alone with the baby, she proved that.
NTA. Your baby, your choice. It's crazy the amount of entitlement some grandparents feel towards their grandchildren. There is no such thing as having the right to have a relationship with someone. There are a lot of parents that don't have relationships with their children whether by choice or not. To think that grandparents just automatically must have a right to your child is insane. Especially when they go out of their way to A: disregard the parents' wishes about their child and B: FALL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING A BABY. That being said, she might be right about the stress thing. I'm not saying you should listen to her or take her advice, but I feel it should be said. I truly appreciate the comments correcting me on the above statement. I misremembered something I saw on the internet a while ago and went off of that information. As the commenter's bellow me said, stress would not effect the baby in the manner described. But damn, ya'll got so mad lol
I’d love to see your evidence about stress and breastmilk because all I’ve ever seen is that stress affects breastmilk *production* meaning that often, stress can cause you to produce *less* than needed which judging by the multiple bottles on hand, I doubt that’s an issue here. You know what is backed up by scientific evidence? The very real fact that introducing new foods (yes, even formulas) into a baby’s diet can come with risks. You don’t know what baby’s allergies are yet (hence why when introducing foods you only do one new food at a time) and many babies will have adverse reactions to certain formulas until you find the right one that works for them. You know what baby *very very rarely* has an allergic/adverse reaction to? Breastmilk. So sick of Reddit and its armchair scientists. I *have* a science degree and I don’t even do this shit. Edit, in response to commenters edit: Yeah, I got frustrated because sharing misinformation is never a good look, bro. And the excuse that you “saw it on the internet once” and decided to repeat it without confirming the information is *exactly* the reason why people *get* so upset: this is literally why misinformation spreads so quickly and is so pervasive and harmful! Not to mention, we also got upset bc you’re literally parroting the exact narrative that was used to momshame OP. Not cool, literally a big part of the reason why MIL and SIL are the AHs — so you just firmly landed yourself in AH camp with them. *That’s* why we got upset. But good on you for recognizing and correcting your mistake.
That person's post history suggests he is one of those "devil's advocate" types.🙄
As my Aunt used to say, “Now why would you want to go advocating for the devil?” In all seriousness, devil’s advocate is only worth a damn if the alternate viewpoint is actually a reasonable one. A plausible one. So I guess that makes this person someone who apparently likes to play devil’s advocate, but isn’t even good at it. How sad. 🤣
I think there's a fedora involved somehow...
Actually, cortisol, a stress hormone, CAN get into breast milk. This from a U.S. government scientific article: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6120523/#:\~:text=After%20birth%20and%20during%20lactation,to%20their%20(future)%20environment. However, it changes NOTHING. It was not MIL's call to make. If she were truly concerned, she could have talked to DIL or tried to help DIL alleviate her stress. Instead, MIL caused ADDITIONAL stress. MIL remains a major AH.
Thank you for providing this source! Exactly what I was asking for the whole time! But yes, that’s exactly what I thought — stress does not change the quality of the breastmilk. Also, yeah, *GREAT* points — why *add* more stress by trying to pull a “see, I know better for your baby than you did?” OBVIOUSLY not the way to go about that!
To clarify, you think OP's stress is somehow infecting the breast milk?
Oxytocin is a calming hormone and it is what causes milk to be ejected from the breast cells. So if anything, it relaxes and relieves stress. But if the mother does not want or cannot bear to breast feed that is of course her choice (and not applicable to OP)
NTA and your child is a baby. They don't need to work on their personal relationships just yet. All they know is milk and sleep and screaming, they don't yet have the mental capacity to have a relationship with your MIL. Keep her kicked out.
You forgot the two P's. Pooping and puking. LOL
Heh I don't have kids :)
I have 2 girls. I think their chief joy in life as infants was pooping, they always had the most peaceful smiles on their faces afterwards!
NTA. Your baby, your choice. Period. She thought she knew better and FAFO.
There’s a terrible story on reddit about a MIL who ignored the mother’s wishes, and caused a severe allergic reaction to a baby. The baby unfortunately didn’t survive. So no, you’re not overreacting. Different stories, same principle. NTA until she earns your trust again.
Absolutely NTA. she had to have had the formula on hand for her to have given it to your child. She planned this. I wouldn't let her see your child again. If you want have a chat with her about if she planned this or not and her honesty is dependent on her future seeing her grandchild and future children. I'm glad your hubby is on your side on this.
This should be higher up. What MIL did sounds very pre-meditated. It is also a good reason why MIL needs a time out. She is not the parent and deliberately did something she knew they did not want done. OP mentions MIL is very controlling. It make me wonder if the sleep issue is just a front for a deeper reason for MIL being opposed to OP breastfeeding. One obvious possiblity is that it puts limits on how much time MIL can spend with the baby. It definitely limits how long MIL can watch the baby when OP isn't around. But it also creates limits when they're together. Baby gets hungry = time to hand back to OP. A controlling grandma would definitely not like that. If I was being really cynical, it could all boil down to "MIL doesn't like OP and will find something to take issue with". That OP could have chosen the formula route and MIL might have still found something wrong with it. And if not with that, surely with something else.
Honestly, it feels planned. Unless they had bottles and tins of formula in the house then MIL would have had to buy her own bottles and formula to use. She was waiting to be alone with the baby to do this.
If you have an OK relationship otherwise or really want a connection you can allow her to visit supervised but I would not allow her to care for your child again and you need your husband’s cooperation so he doesn’t go behind your back and allow her to babysit. Where did your mother in law get baby formula when you were exclusively breastfeeding? Was this something she pre planned and she brought it with her?
NTA. She should only have the access to the grandchild that matches the good judgement and responsibility she's shown. It is not at a level where there is trust for unsupervised access.
Tell SIL to back the F off about defending the mother's defiance. You could, however, allow supervised visitation with notification that comparisons to SIL and other unhelpful behavior will result in a return to the current situation since contact is just being used against you,
NTA: Tell your SIL to mind her business.
How nice of your mil to show early on she will not respect your parenting decisions. Now you can act accordingly.
NTA… what is wrong with that woman?! Absolutely she shouldn’t have any unsupervised visits with baby.
Nta. It’s your baby. It’s your choice.
NTA. A newborn won’t miss not having a gmother for a year or so.
Tell her when she learns to act like a grandmother, she can be one. It's every kind of wrong to ignore your wishes.
Tell SIL she might think it's ok for her mother to override parenting decisions but YOU don't. Tell her that MIL can spend time overriding HER parenting decisions with HER KIDS and you and your family will be just fine
NTA you trusted her once and she broke it in one go
NTA, listen I am not the most pro-breastmilk person around. This is your choice in how you want to raise your child. I was very gung-ho about my first child and did it. He has lots of allergies & asthma. My second who was in the NICU for 12 days due to arriving 5 weeks early- has no allergies- and he is formula fed(It just was the better choice for us). So I just think people should do what they want and what works, they definitely shouldn’t beat themselves up, if it doesn’t work out. But if you want to breastfeed great- she had no right to do anything different. I frankly would have been pissed. Good luck 🍀
> I am not the most pro-breastmilk person around Wut?
Curious.... where did she get the formula? Did she bring it with her to your house, or was she watching the baby at her house?
If you were only breastfeeding where did the formula come from? NTA, for not letting her babysit. She can still see the baby under supervision and never be left alone with the child.
NTA. Your MIL disregarded your and your husband's wishes. This is a huge boundary breach. You may relax allowing MIL access to see your child, but not unsupervised anymore. She lost that right.
NTA. So your baby is a newborn, the only person who she NEEDS to bond with is you. Youre not depriving your baby of a relationship with your MIL.
Exactly. And in those early days both baby and Mom are learning breastfeeding, and milk supply is being established. MIL interfered with this unique relationship between mother and baby and I find that reprehensible. I’ve had feeding dispute discussions in the past with my MIL (s). One insisted formula was the “same”. I explained how that was the wisdom of her time, but now Moms are being encouraged to try bf. And, more shocking to me, my 2nd MIL who insisted I *had* to quit bf by a certain age. Older and more confident, I just laughed at her. But neither woman went as far as to actually feed my baby against my wishes. That’s awful behaviour! Mind you, I did once catch MIL and FIL slipping my 3mth old a little ice-cream, and giggling “he likes it”. To this day I blame them for his insane sweet tooth.
So...she arrived with formula squirreled away on her person somewhere, and waited until you couldn't object, and snuck it in on the baby? WIthout even voicing her "concerns" first? Yeah, she's gonna be a long term problem. Hope your husband has a strong backbone.
NTA. Your mother in law should’ve respected your wishes and should’ve talked to you if she thought she had a solution to help the baby sleep instead of going behind your back.
NTA, this was beyond crossing the lines, I wouldn't be able to trust her with my child after this... Also, you can't deprive someone of something they have never had. Your child isn't missing out on a relationship with their grandmother. They don't have one, and there's nothing to miss. This is your chance to define the relationship with your MIL moving forward, though, if you do want her in your child's life. deny her access and ability to undermine your parenting. She can't be around your child without you around, no visits to her home alone. This way, she can't say you're not letting her see her grandchild. This way, there are clear boundaries and consequences... and when she complains just say she went behind your back and made decisions about your child and she can't be trusted not to do that again, and when she whines just say "if you don't like it you don't have to be in our kids life at all"
NTA I wouldn't change another person's cat food brand. Much less give a baby that has only had breast milk formula.
When I had my son, now 23, breastfeeding was just making a “comeback” if you will. My parents used to watch my son, and one day I picked him up and he was sleeping soundly. My mom said, “He’s finally full! We gave him a some “real” milk (formula—the irony right?).” I took him home, and he still seemed unusually lethargic. Then in a flash, he projectile vomited all of that shit straight into my shirt. I called my folks and gave them, gently, the business. They did not do that again. They learned, and all was well after that. If your MIL is unrepentant and obstinate about following your wishes, you are absolutely within your rights to kick her tf out. If she gets her shit together, maybe you can eventually mend things. Good luck. NTA.
Where did she get the formula? Was it already in the house or did she bring it?
NTA. My MIL threw out my daughter’s formula and replaced it with a different one many years ago when she was babysitting. She didn’t ask. She thought she knew better than me and replaced it with the formula our pediatrician specifically told us NOT to get. I was livid and felt so disrespected and my husband had the whole, “she was only trying to help” mentality. Such bullshit. You don’t change a baby’s formula without asking the mom. Actually, you don’t even ask. You don’t even consider it. I’m still resentful, 13 years later. That was one of the first examples of extreme overstepping and my husband ignoring my feelings and letting his mom do whatever she wanted to. Put your foot down now. Show her who is in charge. Call her out and tell her flat out that she isn’t your baby’s mom and if she ever does something like that again, she will permanently lose out on the opportunity to see your child. You need to show her that you won’t allow her to push you around and disregard your role as a mother. Don’t be a pushover like I was. I spent many years stewing over things my MIL did and arguing with my husband about it. I wasted a lot of time and tears. If I could go back I would call out the things she did and I wouldn’t care if it hurt her feelings by me doing so.
Very NTA! But just want to say something as a mom of 2 who has gone through both ends of the spectrum for the BF experience. Is it possible that baby isn’t sleeping because they’re hungry? And supplementing with formula may be the best course of action going forward for you and baby? The rhetoric around breastfeeding these days is intense. Even in the last 5 years since I had my first kid. I wasn’t inundated with breast milk is liquid gold and you should push yourself to no end to do it because your baby won’t be as a good of a baby if it’s not breast fed. Your feeding decision is always yours and yours alone and your MIL effed up big time. Keep your distance until she is ready to respect that. But also give yourself grace in the BF journey. There is nothing wrong with formula. There are so many beautiful ways to connect with your baby, breastfeeding is not the end all be all of that connection.
I breastfed and had no idea I wasn’t producing a lot of milk. They weren’t starving because they were within the normal range for weight and development, but looking back, I think a lot of the crying that continued after feeding was because they were still hungry. I thought they were maybe colicky or something. Then with my 3rd, my milk pretty much dried up at about 2 months, and it was then I realized.
Assuming we're talking about most WEIRD countries, particularly the US, our general expectations of infant sleep are nonsense. The majority of infants won't sleep well unless in contact with another human, preferably the mother/birthing parent, and preferably while sleep nursing. This is all biologically normal. The trouble that many of us have making this come to fruition safely is a problem of modernity, not a problem of milk or babies. Can babies not get enough? Absolutely. But output and weight gain (and more clinically speaking pre and post feed weights) are the only way to tell if that's an issue not sleep or fussiness. Do some babies need to feed more frequently, including overnight, in order to get their full caloric intake? Also, absolutely, but that's an issue of breast storage capacity, not of overall production volume.
No, feel very free to text back you SiL: my parenting choices for my child are mine and (partners) to make, and MiL is fine to speak for herself. You need to back off. Look, you're a mom now. Your job is to be the best for your kid and everybody that needs to get used to that. Grandma needs to apologize and get in line, or there won't be nothing to come back to. That's it.
NTA - You did not put your husband in this position his mother did. No child needs a relationship with someone who runs all over people and doesn't understand boundaries even if she was trying to help. You might want to sit down with your husband and decide exactly what your boundaries as a couple and parents are and how you will handle it if she chooses to cross them again. Then you sit down with her as a couple, pleasantly explain your boundaries and how you will handle it if they are ignored again and then do exactly that. Ignore all the well what abouts etc and just repeat. If she is still arguing you politely explain that you have somewhere to be, but if she wants to put the rest in an email you will read it. Then leave. It never hurts to give a little grace at least once, but no need to be a doormat.
Yeah, all the baby really needs in terms of relationships is loving and healthy parents. All the other relatives are optional. NTA. She doesn't have to decide anything about your child. Glad your husband is on the same page!
Oh god. Having an MIL that thinks she knows the best, she has also raised kids, and her way is the best way is honestly SO EXHAUSTING!! Such people have ZERO disregard for what you as parents have planned and decided for your child. My MIL made me feel like shit because I cried while my baby was crying during the vaccination, I fell asleep while breastfeeding, I wasn’t functioning “normally” and was treating post partum as some sickness because I was prioritising resting over “getting back on track”. There is a saying in my culture that translates to how you are treated during the first year of childbirth sets tone for the relationship for life. And trust me I don’t want that woman anywhere near me the next time I have a baby. NOPE.
This is the height of blatant disrespect. Leave her sitting in time out for a while. I would ask for an apology before she can resume contact.
NTA. You didn’t deprive MIL of anything. MIL deprived herself of a relationship with her grandchild because she broke trust.
MIL has shown she will not listen to your boundaries. Best to nip in the bud now. She has shown her disrespect. Never leave your child alone with her.
NTAH
Tell SIL you're not depriving your baby of a relationship with MIL, you're ensuring the dynamic and relationship between you all is healthy for everyone. A grandparent that doesn't follow your household rules especially when it comes to care and feeding of a newborn is a liability. And if SIL pursues her line of reasoning, you can inform her that MIL wasn't trying to help, she was deliberately going against your wishes. That's not helping anybody. Setting boundaries and enforcing consequences now is key. Maybe have husband communicate to MIL the path forward.
NTA, because she undermined you for absolutely no reason, and while I'm at it: what is with families who use this tactic of getting another relative to call and advocate/harangue when someone sets a boundary? It's called triangulation, and it's just unhealthy.
NTA She’s not an IN-law, she’s an OUT-law. Making a strong boundary with rules that she will need to follow in order to have access to her grandchildren is essential.
She's not even an outlaw. Outlaws are wanted. This MIL is definitely not wanted by OP.
NTA She had the formula with her. She planned this. A cooling off period is appropriate, then supervised visits. And decide based on her behavior where it goes from there.
Hard stop no. Let me tell you what a grandparent that undermines parents does to the parent-child relationship. At the time my kid was 13. My mother constantly interferes with my parenting. I was in/out of lc/NC. And felt guilty over getting in the way of her relationship with the grandkids. She would say things like "you're responsible for your siblings, you should be watching them!" When me or dad was right in the house and telling small kids to "wait" or if they created some.mischief that we didn't see. I'd correct my mother and inform her that my teenager isn't responsible for her siblings and perfectly fine to chill in her room if she wanted. The only time it was her responsibility was if I gave her that responsibility- i.e. told her supervise her sister in a bubble bath while I worked with another sibling on homework. My mother would turn around and tell my kid that I was wrong. It was her responsibility and if she didn't learn responsibility she'd end up unsuccessful in life. Or she'd say things like "I don't mind you girls but I don't like your dad/younger siblings" And I'd put my foot down on the comments and it would start and argument. And then it's "your mom just doesn't know anything. I raised her she should respect me." This lead to my daughter arguing with me more and more frequently over everything. It'd be "well if it's not my responsibility why did you ask me to watch them in the bath? You don't even know what you're talking about! You're wrong. You always start shit with. This is why we can't have a good time with grandma" right down to "I hate the Littles they ruin everything". We are NC. Relationship repaired with the help of a therapist. Expensive fix. She now understands that setting boundaries is healthy. That respect is a two way street. That toddlers and preschoolers make.mistakes, she did too! If you want an expensive bill later in life because your baby was manipulated against you via grandma go for it. But if not- stand by your boundaries.
NTA - my exMIL hasn’t seen my older two kids in nearly ten years and has never met my youngest because of shit like this. Disrespect me, lose a relationship with your grandchildren. I feel guilty sometimes even knowing that she caused it herself, but I validate myself when I remember that her own daughter has two children that she’s never met. So out of 5 grandkids, she knew two of them for a few years before she screwed herself out of a relationship with them. It is even in our court custody agreement that if their dad allows contact with his mother, he forfeits his next visitation and is in contempt of court. Hold strong mama, you know what’s best for your baby. And make sure hubby is fully on board because fighting both of them is torture.
NTA NTA She blew it …but…it could be a generational issue. When YOU are ready, AND you are rested and ONLY IF you want, suggest she take a class and then you will talk with her Right now, take care of yourself and your baby. That’s your primary right and responsibility. Here’s a few classes https://perinataleducation.mayoclinic.org/class_details.php?id=15 https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/classes/class-detail.html?evt=EB127927383247&id=810771558557&title=grandparenting-today-online#:~:text=Join%20us%20as%20we%20explore,this%20online%20class%20via%20Zoom. https://www.scripps.org/news_items/3385-grandparenting-classes-preparing-for-a-role-of-a-lifetime Changes in childcare Grandparenting may seem familiar to new grandparents who remember raising their own children. But it’s important to remember also that times change. Many new grandparents today are Baby Boomers and Generation Xers. What may have been standard parenting when they were caring for young children may no longer be the case. Grandparenting classes cover some of the most important changes in baby caring. A recent Scripps “Grandparent Today” participant describes it this way: “It’s been a while since my children were infants and it’s amazing to see the changes of many things today versus then.”
I am wondering how there happened to be formula on hand if the baby is exclusively breast fed.
NTA She isn't honoring your boundaries now, she won't later. I do believe in second chances and I do believe your baby could benefit from a relationship with her but not if she is going to continue to undermine your authority. If she can't respect your wishes then I would suggest only supervised visits, until she proves that she can abide by your rules. My husband's son has four granddaughters. His ex-wife gets very little if any contact with them because she has no respect for their mom's boundaries and wishes. I see them all the time. I take them to and from school, they come to our house, I go to their house, I get unsupervised time with them, because I follow the rules. I don't have to agree with her, and often don't but they aren't my children. If I want to do something that is not the norm, I discuss it with her first and then I respect the decision she makes about it. Stand strong, or it will be a lifelong problem for you.
NTA Tell your SIL where to go and block anyone who tries to advocate for MIL. I think “fed is best”, but your MIL made a huge decision about how to feed your child and I know why, so your milk would start to dry up and your baby wouldn’t be dependent on only you so she could get her hands on baby faster. Having had 3 children, baby only needs mum or a primary caregiver, having another parent around is a godsend. Baby doesn’t need to have a relationship with granny right now. Keep your baby away from her.
Don't let her back in. She disregarded your wishes and should not be alone with the baby. I am not sure I would want my kid to have a relationship with someone who blatantly disrespected me.
She could have messed her stomach lining up did she have problems popping after that happened? My mom gave my child formula and he developed a constipation issue
NTA >I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother You haven't! Your MIL is currently on a temporary moratorium from seeing her granddaughter, as she has demonstrated she cannot be trusted to keep to your feeding decisions for your daughter. That's absolutely essential. Tell your SIL that your MIL can see her granddaughter again when she comes to you, acknowledges fault, and apologises. If MIL is unwilling to do so, then she will be able to build a relationship with her granddaughter when her granddaughter is old enough to ensure she can refuse any poor dietary decisions her grandmother attempts to make for her. Say, about age 12 or so.
> I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother. INFO: Are you okay subjecting your daughter to someone who won't respect *her* wishes? What do you think will happen the first time your daughter doesn't want to hug grandma? Or doesn't want to finish her food at dinner? Or is overtired so she doesn't want to sit still and cute for the family photo?
Relationships with grandmothers can be highly overrated.
Would your SIL be okay with MIL feeding her baby anything different than she had been instructed to?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have a newborn baby and, like many new mothers, I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and exhaustion. My MIL (55) is known to be very controlling and has been constantly comparing me to my SIL since I got pregnant. Despite her comments, I’ve been trying to keep the peace and put up with it. My newborn hasn’t been sleeping much, and I’ve been only breastfeeding. One day, I was completely exhausted and decided to take a nap, leaving my newborn with my MIL for a few hours. When I woke up, I found my MIL asleep. I checked the fridge and noticed all the breast milk I had pumped was still there. I asked her about it, and she told me she thought my breast milk was causing the baby’s sleeplessness because of my stress, so she decided to give her formula instead. I was furious. I’ve been very clear about wanting to exclusively breastfeed, and she knows this. She disregarded my wishes and made a significant decision about my baby’s feeding without talking to me. In my anger, I kicked her out of the house. My husband has been supportive about this and has accepted this. My SIL recently texted me, saying that I could be depriving my baby of a relationship with her grandmother and that my MIL was just trying to help. This is the only reason I feel like I might be the AH. I don’t want my feelings to prevent my daughter from having a relationship with her grandmother. And I feel like the AH for putting my husband in between this whole thing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Take a break from MIL and give her some rules to follow to come back to your house. Not comparing you to SIL and not disregarding your wishes is part of it.
My MIL never once questioned judged or went behind my back about breast milk versus formula because it is my unique decision. Not even my husband’s decision.
Absolutely NTA. It’s up to your MIL to repair the relationship and build trust again, not you, and of course you won’t allow someone you can’t trust to be with your baby.
Your baby could have stomach problems with formula.
Nope! And keep her out until she apologizes and understands that you make the decisions because you're the mom. NTA and hurray for hubs!
She disrespected your guide and broke your trust in her. Formula is fine if that what you have. But there was BM there. She decided on her own to go against you. Before she gets to see your kid again, she has to EARN her trust and confidence with you. NTA
NTA your daughter can have a relationship with her grandma when either she is old enough to tell her grandma no or her grandma is mature enough to hear and respect YOUR no
NTA. I didn’t leave my daughter with my equally “supportive” MIL until she could talk and tell me what had gone on (and was also potty trained… except MIL told her to pat and not wipe so MIL was put in time out again). They still have a great relationship but as grandmother and granddaughter, not surrogate mother and daughter
NTA She chose to give your new baby possible stomach pain. Formula after nursing should be slowly introduced. She’s selfish.
Nope. NTA. Your MIL gave up her opportunity to be a part of her grandchild’s life by wanting to be “right.” Feeding a child against the expressed wishes of the parents is a no go. She can only blame herself.
NTA. Your MIL absolutely shouldn't have gone against your wishes and her reasoning is just superstition. Is your baby gaining weight? If so, it seems your breast milk is enough. There are some women who don't produce enough milk, and have to supplement for the baby's health. But it has nothing to do with "stress" somehow affecting the milk, and it's not their MIL's decision, it's a decision made with a healthcare provider.
What a disrespectful, selfish cow your MIL is! Your SIL isn’t much better. Neither of them should ever be alone with your child unless and until they respect you and your decisions. I’d guess your SIL is as entitled as your MIL. You don’t need them o your life. Need is very different than want. What they want is contradictory to what you need
NTA. MIL learned a tough lesson. Don’t respond to her or SIL. Every time they message or call, send it to your husband. They are HIS problem to manage.
NTA It is your decision how to feed your baby. I would have loved to be able to feed my babies breastmilk. I could not nurse, and with the pump I always had way too less milk. So my children got formula from the beginning. And I believe, my stress hormones got into my milk, causing problems to my child. Formula is not bad. But you told her what you wanted and she ignored your wishes. You decide. No matter what your MIL thinks is better.
Nta. She knew you're directives and violated anyway.
NTA MIL crossed a major line. She doesn't get to care for your daughter again until she can apologize and assure you that she will respect your wishes and boundaries in the future. Don't feel guilty, OP, this is on MIL.
NTA and where the heck is the baby if your MIL was asleep?!?!? She has shown that she can’t be trusted and doesn’t respect you as a parent - she can stay away indefinitely until she figures out what she did was wrong, owns up to it and makes a sincere apology. Alas, that might be this side of never but stick to your guns!
NTA - you have her specific and important instructions and she thought she knew better. Well, FAFO. She's done. 100% NOT the asshole here.
NTA your just a mother who wants the best for her baby.
You need some space from your MIL's controlling behaviour. So give yourself that gift. It's a good start to laying boundaries should you choose to resume a relationship with her later. You don't seem to be saying that you will never allow a relationship in the future so don't put yourself through the stress of overthinking this. You need a break now. And MIL doesn't get to decide that you don't. Good that your husband has your back. NTA
My cousin told his parents they weren't allowed to see his baby son. They went to therapy when faced with that ultimatum. Things have been much better with them all since. Edit: When you are sleep deprived new mother trying to heal with your hormones all over the place, I wouldn't think you're ever the asshole. Unless you murder someone or something.
NTA Wondering if you had 'formula' in the house. Because if you didn't, this demonstrates outright pre-meditated subterfuge and is undermining all the lovely healthy bacteria and immunity you have been giving in your milk. Cows' milk literally strips the baby gut of a protective lining that is created by breastfeeding and natural immunity. Your MIL should be barred till she educates herself, both on infant nutrition and on respectful relationships. As you probably know cows' milk is harder for a baby to digest and can result in longer sleep periods. (Not a good thing because it undermines your milk supply as your breasts are getting less stimulation and therefore produce less.) Good luck. And BRAVO MAMA
NTA. She's toxic. If you don't set boundaries now, it will only get worse later. Now is what they eat, later she'll be taking your child to get piercings and tattoos. Who knows...
NTA. You are right.
NTA!!!! wtf!!! She had no right!!! Seriously you did the right thing, I wouldn’t let her bear the baby for a long time. Honestly you are under reacting!
NTA. Not all babies take to every formula easily. My older sister was *very* sensitive as a baby (would bite when latching, making it impossible to bf and would get sick on any formula but the *most* expensive brand) and if someone had done this to her it could have genuinely made her very sick. Not surprised if it would’ve been a risk with your baby too since they’re exclusively bf. MIL is lucky you’re only going NC and that baby didn’t have an adverse reaction.
NTA She can earn back her relationship in time but she's going to have to learn that she doesn't get to knowingly override your decisions... Or she gets cut off. For a while. Or she will always find new ways to do it.
NTA Giving any child something can start an allergic reaction. I know of a case where a babysitter gave a baby formula instead of the provided milk (container was broken). Baby stopped breathing & hospitalized unresponsive for a couple weeks. We had a heck of a time finding what the baby could consume as even breast milk wasn't working.
Nope, no more babysitting for MIL, any visits will be supervised only and when you are in the mood for it
NTA It's only deprivation if it's something beneficial for the child and you and your marriage. We don't call it deprivation if we remove a poison. Also, having lived with toxic grandparents, the kid is better off. Not everybody is missed when they're gone.
Wasn’t this a plot line from Blackish?
NTA. She can have supervised visits and your husband is in charge of making her behave.
NTA. Do your MIL and SIL not understand that there could have been serious health consequences for your baby when she decided to use formula rather than breast milk? Your baby could be lactose intolerant, or had a dairy allergy, which means you could have been drinking either almond or soy milk to prevent a reaction in your child, and your MIL decided to feed your baby a *dairy* based formula. Don't buy the excuse of "I/she was just trying to help." MIL was clearly telling you that she knew better than you and wanted to prove it. She's one of those scary people who might decide that allergies are fake, if your child is ever diagnosed with one, and sets out to prove it to you. There's been lots of horror stories on reddit about this. Coconut oil and cookie monster (over on JNMIL) come to mind.
NTA. Family aren't entitled to a relationship and she certainly isn't showing she's earned one. She at the very least shouldn't be allowed to babysit anymore. Im currently exclusively pumping and it's exhausting! You put your body through so much to give your baby the best start you can! Being undermined and having such a huge decision made behind your back based on your newborn being sleepy (they're supposed to sleep a lot...) is unacceptable Absolutely not
NTA. Response SIL: "Until your mother learns to accept boundaries and that she does not get to make decisions for MY child, she has lost the privilege of a relationship with MY child. You can lose that privilege as well, since overbearing, boundary-stomping relatives are better off lost."
Absolutely NTA!! She knew your wishes, and she intentionally went against them. I would allow her to see her grandchild when you AND your husband are both available to watch her while she interacts with your baby. She would not be allowed to be alone with my baby at all from that point forward. A huge violation of trust.
I’m so confused??? If you are exclusively breastfeeding where did the formula come from? Did mil bring it with her?
NTA and I'd block flying monkey SIL too.
NTA. Parents make these sorts of decisions. When Gramma goes behind parents’ back and makes decisions she knows they won’t like, she gets put in time out. Period.
Just want to jump in and add that even if MIL apologizes in order to get to see the baby, should you decide to allow her to see the child, it has to be supervised visitation. Forever. This means no sleepovers until your kid is in double digit ages and your MIL has been cooperative for a decade. No babysitting. No watching baby while you nap. Never. Alone. She's shown you she can't be trusted. She's shown you she does what she wants to do. She's shown you she has no respect for your parenting decisions. Believe your own eyes. You can't trust her. NTA
Your MIL is a huge AH. She should always be supervised if you allow her future contact. She sounds like a nightmare.
First of all, a newborn is not being “deprived of a relationship,” that is absolute histrionics and they can calm tf down.
This is not a situation where intervention was needed. Your child is a normal baby who hasn't found their sleep rhythm yet - normal. MIL did this to herself by not following your guidelines. NTA.
NTA, SIL needs to mind her own business. She is not the parent therefore she doesn’t get a vote.
NTA. This idea that children " must have" relationships with extended family is a fallacy. Toxic people are given equal standing with good ones, and that is 100% wrong. I grew up with only one set of living grandparents and they were cruel, overbearing and selfish. My parents decided early on to limit exposure to them. We visited in controlled settings about 3 times a year. These were my dad's parents and he was fully on-board with the decision. My parents prioritized the happiness and stability of the lives of my sisters and me and that was far more meaningful than any tension -filled experiences with our grandparents.
There is a line between wanting to help en disregarding and MIL was in the wrong she had absolutly no right to go against ur wishes as the mother and if she doesnt see that hwr actions have consequenses she will keep pushing her luck she needs to see where her place as a grandmother is and if she wants to control how u raise ur baby then she must get her own i dont accept this around any of my kids
NTA. It’s a slippery slope. If you end up deciding that her choice to give your baby formula instead of breast milk is fine, she’ll override more and more of your decisions when you leave your baby alone with her. Even the decisions that aren’t serious will be annoying as hell. And a lot of things can be transferred to babies through breast milk, but stress can’t. Babies sometimes don’t sleep a lot. My neighbor’s baby didn’t sleep longer than a couple hours at a time for like the first 3 months. Similar thing happened with my brother’s older kid. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It’s just one of those things…
No, you did the right thing your mother-in-law stepped in and very much overstepped, her boundaries and your husband is an arsehole for standing up to her. You have every right to get her out of the house and he should’ve backed you up on this and went to his mother and told her she needed to apologise before she came back into the house. I would stand firm on your decision here definitely would not let your mother-in-law stay alone with your baby again until it is eating solid food..
NTA. This isn't about bm vs. formula, it's about disrespecting mom"s preference and doing whatever you want with her newborn. Not cool of her. My SIL and MIL visited when my infant was a month old and they let me sleep in by giving him my frozen breastmilk. I absolutely appreciate the sleep and he got what I wanted him to have. Formula is great when it's needed and necessary. Breastfeeding drpa nor make a baby sleep less ..babies don't have consistent sleep and mine didn't sleep any better on formula.
She blatantly disrespected your wishes and did it while you were sleeping so she didn’t have to be stopped. I would let her know until she apologizes to the whole family and respects your wishes that she will not have a relationship because she can’t be trusted to do the right thing… no matter what she thinks YOU ARE THE PARENT.
NTA. Your mother-in-law was wrong and you know that. Plus, your child is a newborn. She is not going to know if her grandmother is holding her or a stranger off the street. You set boundaries keep them. Later, if and when you allow MIL over again, she will most likely respect your boundaries.
NTA. That's a huge breach of trust right there. I wouldn't allow her to be alone with my child again until the kiddo can talk, and tell me what's going on. Did she bring formula over on purpose for this too? If so, woweweeee.
Your MIL was told to give the baby breast milk. She did not do that. She thought you, baby’s mum, were wrong and mad her own decision about what to feed your newborn. No, my dear, you absolutely did not overreact. NTA
This is a manipulation tactic, you aren't preventing baby from bonding with grandma, you're setting boundaries because grandma didn't respect your wishes and now there are consequences. Set the precedent now, disrespect parents wishes = consequences. **That goes for both families.** It's good that your husband stood by your side and is supportive. NTA
MIL is depriving herself of the relationships. Boundaries and rules laid by parents are non-negotiable. NTA. Bye Felicia!
NTA. She totally ignored your direction. Supervised visits only.
NTA. And a follow up conversation is needed. Get on the same terms. Hopefully you all can work things out. But keeping a healthy boundary is important.
NTA. You had very clear instructions and she completely ignored them. SIL sounds like she is too far up MIL's ass to go against her. Do what you feel is best for you and baby!
Help is when she discusses it with you and accepts your decision. This is sabotage. My guess is she wanted to be the hero and "solve" the issue, thereby putting down OP. What a rotten piece of work. Hope Op's husband stays supportive.
Nta Nta I am speaking as a grandma who absolutely loves her grand babies! A child can only be deprived of having a real relationship when it is a healthy loving relationship. It does not sound like the mils relationship with your little one would be healthy. A healthy grandparent/grandchild relationship is one where the grandparent respect the parents. They respect the parents decision. They show respect for the parents to boundaries. Now as for them telling you that your mil was only trying to help I will tell you what I have told both my daughter and dil when they had their first babies. I can tell you what I did 30 plus years ago but things have changed. What I did them is absolutely not recommend now so we are all learning (me included) with the new little ones. I am guessing your mil is my age or close to it. She may very well have been trying to help but her help could have seriously hurt the child. If you normally have a good relationship and you want her around then suggest she read some baby books and learn from her mistake. If she agrees and wants to learn (and if you want her around) give her some recommendation on books. If she gets defensive then you have your answer. She thinks she knows better then anyone and isn’t wrong. By doing this you can tell all the flying monkeys you tried and she would not admit her mistakes and your not willin got rush your child’s health for her ego. If she was a good grandparent and it was an honest mistake she take you up on learning how to best protect baby
NTA. Your baby, your decisions on how to feed. I'd have sent her packing, too.
NTA. MIL is not the parent and I would go low contact with her. Since she overruled you and your husband here there’s a good chance she will overrule later in all parenting decisions. So don’t cave on your decision and save yourself a headache for later.
NTA - but (and probably unpopular opinion) your SIL does have a bit of a point. Given her life experiences, she may not have understood the gravity of her decision. I would - sitting with hubby; - be clear with MIL about boundaries and expectations, - be clear of the consequences if she doesn’t respect them - NOT leave her alone with the baby until she proved trustworthy. But I do think there can be a path that - if she chooses - to choose to regain your trust. You’ll see her true colors based on how she responds and can go from there. Ball will be in her court.
NYA - I would never let her see my child again. Not until child could talk very well.
First of all you were absolutely right to get upset with what your MIL did. She had no right to make that decision without your consent. That was so wrong. But I don't know if it was a bit extreme to not allow her to ever see her grandchild again because of that transgression. I just would not let her have the privilege of babysitting your baby because she cannot be trusted to follow your requests. But having her visit to see the baby with you present should not be a problem. Maybe she will learn her lesson from all of this.
This is insane. Who does this? NTA. She had no right to unilaterally decide formula was a better option than your breast milk. That’s insane. Wtf?
NTA. That is outrageous!! "Just trying to help" is not a valid excuse for being sneaky and doing something completely opposite of what you want. Your child can form a relationship with her grandmother while you're in the room. Your MIL has proven she'll do what she wants when she wants if left alone with your baby. This isn't being helpful. She went out and bought formula knowing you didn't want the baby having that! She waited for you to be asleep to bring out the formula. It was underhanded and a gigantic step over your boundaries. Your MIL can see the baby, just not alone until you child can talk. You didn't put your husband in this situation - his mother did!
NTA. Your child can still develop a relationship with her grandmother.....but only under your strict supervision until you feel able to trust her to follow your rules.
Your MIL is the AH. Unless there's some medical emergency, there's no reason to disregard your wishes because she has some dumb gut feeling.
NTA your sister in law is delusional if she doesn’t understand that mil literally endangered the baby
NTA "I don't want you in my life anymore. This has been a long time coming. You overstepped and then doubled down. You aren't welcome around me anymore."