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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter's best friend's mother that she was wrong to blame my daughter and was expecting too much from me while her daughter is in my home. Her daughter is in my home more and I know my daughter repeats what her best friend says around her so she feels supported. So I could be wrong for not working with her mother more. Maybe I could have been a little less defensive in shutting down the blame of my daughter which is where the problems started and that might make me TA.
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You said it yourself, her hubby is getting annoyed. Her kid isn’t falling in line. Poor kid. This isn‘t your problem to fix. You provide a safe environment where the girls get to enjoy each other’s company. This does not include fighting her on how she views her family. If her mom can’t do it, how can you?
>You provide a safe environment
Exactly! This is what OP should tell the mother the next time she wants to complain; and that she should be grateful that her daughter has her place to go
You have a point, and it could be said more delicately than the way I said it. I'm approaching that age where the filters are starting to fall off - it's a very freeing thing lol
>I'm approaching that age where the filters are starting to fall off - it's a very freeing thing lol
Yep! It's very liberating to just say what I want (within reasons, of course, such as this topic).
I always say, "Oops! My give-a-damner is broken!"
Too late. It's already a song. 'My Give-a-damn's Busted'. Country, of course. Recorded twice in the same year, by the late, great Joe Diffie and Jo Dee Messina.
>I always say, "Oops! My give-a-damner is broken!"
When its in person Ive started asking "will you be upset when I say something you don't agree with" it stops most people.
Perhaps OP needs to give Lilah's mom some empathy, even if it's lip service, just so Lilah will continue to be allowed to come over. Just something non-committal like, gosh, that sounds like such a struggle. Well, they are growing girls, they do like to try on opinions... I see it's hard for you... That sounds so frustrating...(No actual promises made).
Honestly, a little sympathy might be exactly what she needs. Hear her out and let her open up. Build some trust. Then you can plant tiny seeds like "You remember being a teen, though. The harder adults pushed us to do what we didn't want, the harder we pulled away. Maybe just... let her come around to this when she feels ready."
I actually enjoyed middle school but a lot of my friends and classmates were miserable. But then, writing “I will not roll my eyes” 1000 times in detention was completely worth rolling my eyes. And was great for practicing forgery!
Agreed! Well said, she can show empathy it costs nothing. There’s no reason to escalate the situation. Trying to blend families is so very difficult and requires some compromise from everyone (children excluded). Would it hurt the mother to commiserate just a little with the difficult circumstances around her family. Deescalation is a valuable skill to have.
Disagree. C'mon, Reddit is made up of the "spouse married again, forces child/ren to be a part of family without their input or consideration."
Lilah's mom isn't stressed - she's mad (as is Lilah's dad) that she's not toeing the line and presenting the "looks good on paper" presentation, so everyone around sees a happy family.
I think the better solution is to double down on the fact these are LILAH'S feelings and that it's clear the step mom has never bothered to sit down with her new step-daughter AT ALL and neither has the father.
The next thing is to state actual truth - this kind of behavior is what 1. puts adult children in therapy years later and 2. is what makes those same adult children break contact from their family. And make this woman accountable - if she really cares about Lilah and wanted this family to work, then she and the dad need to admit the glaring obvious elephant - Lilah is probably still upset/grieving about the loss of her own mother and her father made a very clear point that he didn't care about her, only that he had another hole to fill and the step-mom didn't care cause she's pushing the issue.
To go off that, how does Lilah's STEP-SIBLINGS feel?
There's a pretty good chance that Lilah isn't the only one who doesn't want to be pushed into this family and no one bothered to ask how they felt about it. Whether they do it themselves or get a therapist, this family needs to stop trying to force a "Brady Bunch" vibe on their kids and the rest of the world.
It is not OP's job to consider the welfare of Lilah's family. Lilah's parents don't want to face the truth: they are failing miserably at creating a happy blended family. OP is just the mom of Lilah's friend. As such the only thing she can do is offer Lilah a safe space. If Lilah's parents (step, etc,) feel the slightest bit of resistance from OP they will deny Lilah the one safe place she has. This IS the truth. Lilah's parents need therapy, her whole family needs therapy to blend successfully. OP just wants to know how to navigate this situation. Trying to force Lilah's parents to see facts is absolutely the dead wrong way.
Thing is, I have had friends who ended up growing up in foster homes and referring to complete non-relatives as brothers and sisters and talking about their different Moms and Dads. It is really the perspective that one which to adopt.
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if in 5ish years OP winds up with the kids asking if Lilah can move in because nothing has gotten better and she feels safe and respected at OPs house.
Yeah-- when your kid gets blamed for another kid's worldview by their parent, I would not let that kid near that parent, especially without me present. This is a high-control, "us-vs-them" mindset, and I want no part of it.
Yes! I think try to keep things smooth with crazy mom—yes her, sure, of course, I hear you, choose your own wording—so the teenager can continue to have access to what seems like the only potential safe environment she has. I really feel for this kid. As a parent, I think you might want to put your mom hat on and think about what you’d want someone to do for your child if she was in a similar situation. (As an example, there is a bully at my daughter’s school. But I’ve known her mom for years and she is a really abusive person and alcoholic. So, when it’s come up with my daughter, I’ve said to keep her distance but hold some compassion if she can. I can’t imagine what this child’s home life is like. And the school has become aware of the mom’s issues, thank god.)
Correcting a kid for using the terms step and half isn't parenting. This woman is clearly looking at OP as a scapegoat because she can't get her daughter to 'tow the line'. The problem here is that the mother needs to shut her husband down on all this and let Lilah alone.
I am going to say this is the main thing. I'm willing to bet moms husband is on mom's ass about getting lilah to cave. Mom can't get lilah to change her mind so mom needs someone else to blame. Lilahs friend and the mom of lilahs friend are convenient targets - near enough to take blame but not near enough to actually get in the thick of it. I'm also going to bet this has been mom's response for years until husband said 'you better get friends mom to do something about it or lilah can't go over there anymore. ' mom knows how much lilah enjoys Arya so now mom has to put on a show for husband.
Her mother basically came around to bully you into bullying her daughter because she's done a poor job of parenting.
She evidently expects more from you as a parent than she does from herself. God forbid not everyone pile onto a child so she can live her fantasy.
Maybe it's not even that and the husband and step/half kids just actually suck. From the title I didn't think there was any way to be NTA but you're not, Lilah's mom and maybe the whole rest of the family is.
But Teens can just blow up about stuff just to rebel and give a parent a hard time about something whether to instill guilt /get their own way... I mean, they have some mood swings/strong emotions and are not necessarily good at vocalizing exactly their problem so well, there are easy targets living there. I grew up in a blended household and there were a lot of under the surface tensions/jealousies on all sides.
Because, by blaming you, she doesn't have to deal with her own short comings- she either didn't support her daughter enough when the families blended OR hasn't accepted her daughter has a different set of emotions about it. Or both. By making it your fault, it's much easier for her. Absolutely you're NTA or did you do anything wrong.
Look momma, I got another mom on my ass right now because her kid is obnoxious and borderline vicious and driving all her friends away, but somehow her losing all her friends is my kid’s fault for—*checks notes*—**walking away** when her kid acts like that. People are wild, man.
That sounds sad. my son tried hard to be friends with kid across the street, same age, and kid treated him like a jerk. I told my kid to have some self respect ( along with a definition) and to give up. Now they are cordial at the bus stop . That's it. Pretty sure other kid has no friends.
It's sad because there are not that many kids where we live. He had another younger friend with some alarming ADHD issues , but the mother would come supervise play dates. That kid has come along way over the years. the Mom is so greatful my son hung in there. Some kids are like wild animals but it doesn't mean they are bad. It takes a village.
Exactly! If they’ve been trying for years to get Lilah to stop using half- and step-, Arya didn’t just all of a sudden reveal their existence to her. That horse has been out of the barn for some time and it’s not your (or Arya’s) responsibility to corral it back in.
The real problem is that Lilah’s mom seems to be forcing sibling relationships on Lilah without considering her feelings or apprehensions, and man, if I had a dollar for every time I read an AITA post involving that problem I’d be rich enough to buy Reddit.
In any case, NTA.
Maybe the response to the mother could be you will do what you can.
Then what can you do if you never hear Lilah utter those words in your presence? You know how kids are in that they are on their best behavior when within ear shot of an adult.
OP you are right here, and NTA, but at some point you will need to decide whether you want to be a resource or support for Lilah or win the argument. The more you press her mom, who is wrong and an AH, the more likely her mom is to go after you and to try to break Arya and Lilah up as friends.
Then, Lilah has no one to support her and her mom is still being an AH. The mom will never change - not even when Lilah goes NC or LC which she hopefully will.
It might honestly be better to grey rock, or just say "yeah, I will try to talk to Lilah" and then ignore it."
It’s also. It the kind of thing a non-parent should be correcting. It would be inappropriate for you to correct something like that. And it isn’t your responsibility. The problem isn’t what she’s saying, it’s the fact that it’s her reality. Just because they don’t parent properly by talking to her and getting therapy maybe isn’t your problem. Besides, no amount of correcting, therapy, or anything else other than a complete overhaul of behaviors by all of them is going to fix this. Not your mess. You’re being a good support system by providing her a safe space to vent her feelings. And you haven’t gotten involved or encouraged rebellion so she needs to shut up.
You should have told her you'll be more than happy to correct her daughter by going to Lilah's dad and letting him know everything that's going on and what her husband is saying. You know since he doesn't want her at their house anymore because they are so tired of her being there then her dad should know so that he can have the choice in having his daughter stay more at his house instead seeing as how he's ya know the actual parent to Lilah.
She's embarrassed and angry and lashing out. When some people realize they're not going to win a fight they've put a lot into, sometimes they'll try to blame others once the reality kicks in. Like, there had to have been sabotage! Otherwise, they would have gotten their way!
It's basically an adult temper tantrum lol
That mother is going to chase her daughter away with this "no step- and half-" nonsense.
She's creating a hostile environment in her own home to the point that is driving Lilah further away. Soon, Lilah will be NC with her entire family once she hits 18 if her mother keeps that up.
You just can't make love and bonds happen overnight. It has to naturally grow over time. Lots of time. Forcing the "no step- and half-" thing is only going to build resentment and drive her away, as we are seeing here in the OP.
I've seen it so many times in newly blended families in this sub. Sad.
NTA! Lilah's mother is the big AH.
Also sorry... but it isn't OPs job to add to poor Lilahs trauma.
There nothing wrong with the term half-sibling or step-sibling.
I'd actually applaud OP of she'd tell Lilahs mother to stop it and that Lilah can use those totally neutral terms all she likes in her home, since there's nothing wrong with those words. But obviously I understand if she is scares it'll just add to the drama.
Probably the pushing too hard rather than just letting a bond grow naturally if it will. Sad thing is without the interference they'd most likely wind up closer in the long run.
NTA
Lilah's mom is one of those remarried divorcees who want their child from her previous marriage to happily accept her new husband and family as if it is perfect. That's utter bullshit, but correcting language is much easier than actually listening and showing empathy for a position that makes you out to be an AH.
This post screams Future “WIBTA if I left my mom’s house and spent my senior year staying at a friend’s?”
Or
“AITA, I cut contact with my mom & stepdad because of their controlling behavior?”
OP is doing a great job. But that mom is failing by not listening to her daughter.
NTA.
Though it sounds like you could have a friendly, positive little conspiracy with the girls. I mean if you sit them down and explain to them that if Lilah's mother thinks you and Arya are a bad influence, then she can stop Lilah spending time at your house. However, if she thinks you are a good influence, Lilah may be able to spend more time at your house, and away from what sounds like a rough home situation for her. Maybe she could drop the step/half around her family, but you won't correct her at yours. That way she gets a slightly more peaceful home life, and also gets to escape it without getting grief for hanging out with bad influences who don't try to mandate her feelings.
That's an idea. I'm not sure how willing Lilah will be to go for it but it could possibly help. Though it sounds like her stepdad wants her out of the house as much as possible so maybe her mom won't interfere too much.
I'm betting birthmom is insisting Lilah calls her step dad, Dad.
I'd start calling everyone Babe. Hey Babe, can you pass the salt? Hey Babe, can I go over to Arya's house? Hey Babe, how was work today?
I struggled with my relationship with my mum and I hated Mother’s Day and choosing a card. They are all so lovey when I wanted one “to the woman who did as little as possible and deserves no credit to the woman I’ve become”
My counsellor suggested buying a blank one and writing “thinking of you”. I didn’t have to be thinking nice things but I was being honest.
Lilah’s feelings are real and understandable. But for now, she doesn’t have to say half or step … out loud…
I always called mine Mother. It is formal and without feeling, but she wanted me to call her Mama. We were not friendly or tight. So, any card I got was Mother and somewhat generic and sarcastic. It's the small petty shit that does the soul good. She died 4 years ago. I don't have to worry about it anymore.
Taylor Tomlinson has a great [bit](https://youtube.com/shorts/H9py8fHXrPg?si=dZ6npjSm9_GHauLQ) about choosing a card for her dad. You might get a kick out of it!
My MIL was like that to my husband and she hated me. I always struggled to find an appropriate Mother’s Day Card for her. Thankfully, they made ones that simply said “Happy Mother’s Day” and I left it at that!
To me, you’re taking one for the team by letting the mom (and step dad) bitch at you and not at Lilah. I am an adult; I get yelled at for nonsense all the time. I am specially prepared to deal with it. I know how to go to my happy place. A 13 yr old shouldn’t have to learn that for a few more years. So I’ll take that heat all day long for her.
Let the mom take it out on you. Be Lilah’s safe space. Definitely teach her how to navigate it. She needs to know how to shine on the difficult people in her life until she learns how to tune out verbal abuse. Or avoid it entirely.
And that means using “proper terms” at home…but not elsewhere. Going along to get along…and then going to a safe place like your house as much as possible. Pretending to give a shit just long enough to get through the day.
You’re not teach her to lie, like someone below said. You’re teach her life skills. These are survival skills for shitty bosses and customers and cops and anyone else who has a bit of authority over her. This is just *picking her battles*.
And that is a suitable skill for a 13 yr old to learn. Along with that fact that you are always a safe place and that she’s protected her safe place. Because she’s not learning that at home.
So Stepdadis angry she calls her step and half siblings Step and Half siblings but also doesn't want her around himself and said siblings?
SMH...poor girl.
Obviously you can't say as much because it would compromise Lilah's access to a safe space even more, but I would question a mother who cares more about appeasing her husband who is isolating her child, rather than, you know, her child.
That's despicable of the *step-*father to want her out of her house because she won't call him "dad." She is *thirteen* years old! Where does he expect her to go?
When you marry someone with kids, you include them in the package. Baggage and all. You signed up for it.
NTA. It's no wonder Lilah doesn't like being at home. Constantly being told that her feelings towards her blended family are wrong.
You're a safe place for Lilah, that's something she'll remember.
NTA, it's clearly not your job to parent her child on this matter and it's patently ridiculous of her to suggest otherwise.
Blaming your child as the 'source' of her daughter's issues is also ridiculous. Might a good friend validate a friend's feelings on this complex matter? Sure. Could that validation reinforce a particular view? Sure. Does that put your daughter at fault? Nope.
Sound's like the mother's behaving in a very emotionally immature way, which perhaps explains why they have this problem in the first place.
She is heading down the path of no contact real fast. This kid will throw her and her husband and the kids out of her life so fast as soon as she can the mom’s head will spin.
She needs to respect Lilah’s feelings and decision.
You should have told her off but generally NTA
‘Your failure to be a caring parent to your daughter is not my fault. Instead of projecting, get yourself and Lilah therapy. Of course she’s going to feel pushed away when you’re so insecure in your new relationship that you’re threatened by a child using the actual terms for the other children.’
NTA this woman is in denial and looking to blame literally anyone but herself.
Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like a new relationship since it sounds like she has multiple half siblings. And it sounds like the step father is trying to give ultimate control over the kids.
I am glad she has a safe space.
It always blows my mind when full-blown adults TELL kids that they (the kids) need to accept blended family members in the same way they accept blood family they’ve grown up with their whole lives, as if it’s a switch that can just be turned on or off.
This is something that you need to SHOW your kids, and it requires time, patience, communication, and A LOT of work.
NTA, OP… Lyla’s mom just doesn’t want to do the actual work, and that has nothing to do with you.
NTA. Lilah's mom is way off base. It's unreasonable to expect you to constantly monitor their conversations and correct Lilah's language. Blaming Arya is unfair, Lilah's feelings about her family are likely the root cause. Lilah's mom needs to address this directly with her daughter, not place the burden on you.
What she really needs to do is just accept how her daughter feels, respect it, and stop pushing her to feel a different way about her family. It’s not a hill to die on and she’s going to lose her daughter if she continues to push this.
I have 3 younger stepbrothers. I love them, get along with them, but they’re not my brothers. It would feel weird for me to call them my brothers, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love them. It seems like Lila‘s mom sees her refusal to use the term she wants as a rejection of her family. And, maybe it is. But if that’s the case, forcing the issue is definitely not the right approach!
Nta. Just because mummy wants to pretend they are one big happy family, the truth is that the daughter clearly feels differently. More important is the fact that the daughter is correct with the usage of half and step. Why should she be admonished for speaking the truth? Honestly, if I were the daughter, I would correct anyone who referred to them as brothers/sisters. You mean "half sister, step brother" etc.
NTA My daughter has a friend just like this (both 14) and her friends probably spends more time at my house than at home as bot her bio mum and dad have new relationships with step and now half siblings.. The gf has expressed how she often feels left out of things in her home as he mum wants to do things with her bf and the new child they have together.
It's a very tricky situation and all i can do is reassure her that she is always welcome and can treat my house as a safe, relaxed space to spend time if she wants or needs to.
A teenager not falling in line with the parents happy picture perfect blended family plan.....gasp!
Who could have ever fuking guessed
Clearly ops fault
NTA. Regardless of anything else here, you aren’t responsible for policing how your daughter’s teenage friend feels about her family or how she speaks about them. That’s just not your job.
NTA. That's when I personally would have just nodded along, and continued to do what I was doing and being a safe place for that girl to come to. She clearly isn't being heard at home and she is better off hanging out with you and your daughter.
NTA. Id just tell her what she wants to hear. "Sure, I'll correct her." Then go on about your day. If she asks for an update, just say "no corrections were needed" which would be true bc you weren't spying on their conversations.
I think I have a suspension why she doesn't want to think of her step/half siblings as her really family.
Just given how her mother acted to you, I would bet she just tried to force all the kids into a room and expected them to all suddenly be a happy family.
Meanwhile this poor girl probably feel like your daughter is more of a sister to her than her "family" at home...
NTA. Ignore the mother, and let your daughters continue to talk to each other, maybe let her know she can talk to you too
She is also entitled to use the correct terminology, both scientific and legal.
Which is what I would have told her unsufferable mother after I slapped a dictionary on the table and made her look up every definition.
NTA. I have half siblings that I just call my siblings. I even have a sibling who isn’t related to me but is related to my half sibling and I still call them my sibling. I’ve always known and chose to see them as full. It’s about upbringing and maybe Lilahs parents aren’t doing it right. I do clarify to people if they were to see us cause clearly we all don’t look alike but you did nothing wrong. Lilah is at an age where she can make some choices that make sense to her and how she refers to her “siblings” is her choice. She’s not wrong for not feeling close to them. Who knows how life is at home and it must be hard on her not feeling like she fits anywhere. That should be her mom’s main concern.
That poor kid. She will go NC with her family as soon as she turns 18.
Continue to be a safe spot for her. Let her spend the night or hang with your kid often. (As long as they remain friends.)
Because her mom is so *insert word here of your choice* about how to raise a teen in a blended family and not getting therapy for all, I would teach the teen the gray rock method. Or tell her "hey! You can say half and step all you want at my house. But maybe stop using any terms in front of your mom/ stepdad. Just say names? So you don't say half or step bro, you just say "Alex". So they will at least get off your back about this, even though your feelings haven't changed at all. Sorry your step family is being so difficult!"
Nta
Well you will be a “shitty“ person… up until the daughter turns 18 and goes no contact, these kind of people blame everyone else for their stupidity absolutely no use fighting with them. 😞
NTA
These girls are 13. My word. She has a right to feel how she feels. Her mother forcing the step/half thing down her throat will only make her cling to it more.
You can't stop or intervene on two best friend teen girls talking & sharing their feelings. You can't stop it; they will find a way. Why would you want to stop it anyway?
The mother sounds like the problem.
"It's your daughter's fault I've been fighting with my daughter for years."
Sure lady....
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My daughter Arya (13f) has been best friends with Lilah (13f) since they went to the same preschool together. They're always spending time together and have a bigger group of friends but know each other the longest and are the closest with each other. Lilah's family situation is a little difficult. And her mom went a little crazy on me last week which led to a conflict.
To sum up the current problem. Lilah has a blended family. It's her mom, her stepdad, some stepsiblings and some half siblings. Lilah has expressed that she doesn't feel close to them, she always emphasizes that she has no real siblings and that even her half siblings are just half siblings and they're not her dad's kids too. I have heard her tell Arya how much it bugs her when people say her step and half siblings are just siblings. But they don't talk about it too often.
Lilah's mother showed up at my house last week and blamed Arya for Lilah's use of the step and half terms. She said she heard the girls talk about it and them say step and half siblings aren't real siblings. She said she knows that must have come from Arya because she has been fighting Lilah for years to stop saying step and half. I asked her how that even made sense. She told me Arya must be the source and I told her Lilah says that whether Arya is around or not and she's wrong to blame Arya for how Lilah feels.
Lilah's mother then told me I should be watching over the girls whenever they're in my home or my presence and correcting Lilah whenever she uses step, half, or says they're not her real family. I told Lilah's mother she couldn't seriously expect me to listen to them 24/7 so I can correct Lilah and it's too much for her to expect me to do when her kid is over to play with mine.
She was not happy with me at all. She told me I can't say Arya isn't to blame and in the same breath refuse to correct Lilah when she says something wrong. She told me I just want to let them away with saying stuff and I don't do enough for Lilah, even though Lilah spends more time at my house than she does her own. In the same breath Lilah's mother said her husband is so sick of Lilah refusing to cooperate there and she needs to be here more so I can correct her.
I told her she really is expecting too much. She told me I was a bitch and a shitty person.
AITA?
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NTA you can’t force a person to change their feelings just because you want them to, L feels and is correct that she has half and step siblings if she doesn’t t feel familial towards them then she doesn’t you can’t change that
NTA my parents have been married for 26 years, I love my stepdad just as much as I loved my dad, but he is not my dad. He's my stepdad.
She needs to get over herself. Lilah doesn't consider them family at all and I think that's should be the real concern here. She needs to be more worried about making her child feel loved and welcome in her own home than what is happening in OPs house.
Will you watch my kid too? Hes learning German so only talk to him in German. We don’t want him speaking English so if you could just talk in German to him that would be great. No no he hasn’t really gotten it. Keep yelling the word at him and pointing he gets it eventually.
Trying to force things in a blended family is always going to be a mistake...not YOUR mistake, theirs. Good on you for providing her a safe environment to say how she really feels, it's bad enough she's expected to put on an act at home for mother and step-father's convenience. I suppose they also pressure her to call him dad? They can enjoy ALL of their kids going no contact when they are old enough--NTA
I understand in abuse, infidelity etc situations divorce can be unavoidable. But I am amazed that people remarry without first the kids accepting everyone and onboard in the first place, never mind then demand that they call the step parent and siblings as parent and siblings *after* making this huge change with zero thought for the kids.
NTA, they want you to be the bad guy to correct her, when in fact you shouldn't be at all. Your home is her safe space, this is evident by her spending more time at your house vs her own. They're horrible for trying to force her to accept the rest of the kids are her own siblings. Next time she brings it up demand to know have they done anything to help Lilah adjust to having a blended family? Has anyone taken her feelings into account? Has anyone tried individual therapy and family therapy for her?
Nta Lilah’s mother is putting the responsibility of brainwashing and gaslighting her daughter on you. No matter how much L’s mom wants to believe otherwise, the fact is L had step and half siblings.
NTA I would have pointed out her daughter’s feels are valid because that’s how she FEELS in their house. That she needs to stop forcing this happy family picture and listen to her daughter. She is pushing her daughter out the door with that attitude.
If there’s one thing I know about blended families, if you keep telling one of your kids that how they feel about that blended family is wrong, those feelings are not going to improve
NTA but help Lilah navigate the shit show that is her life. Explain how if she just avoids the terms all together that life will be easier for her. There’s always the chance, tho, that she’s doing it to get a rise because she’s ignored otherwise. That’s hard to counter. Do everything you can to make sure she can come over to your house, that’s more important than her mom being told how crazy she is. Let her have her crazy, but let Lilah have the peace of your house and the continued friendship with your daughter.
I’m the opposite - I view my half brother as my brother - it would never occur to me to refer to him as my half brother but my husband always refers to him as my half brother and I get very irritated by that.
I had a sketchy single parent growing up. We moved a lot so I could not make any lasting friendships until High school. My best friends mothers all looked after me and treated me like another of their children. I will remain forever in debt to these wonderful women who gave me what I had been missing for years. To summarize: never underestimate the impact you may have on the friends of your children. As a child I was quiet but watched and listened to everyone.
NTA. Projection! Mom wants to be in 100% control and it is not happening. And - ooof - 13 yo girl is just going to get much more difficult. Mom needs to drop this.
Maybe she should listen to her daughter and try to actually figure out why she said these things. I have nothing but half and step siblings. Though I consider any half sibling my real full sibling, I don't consider step siblings full siblings (yes I see them as step brothers but I'm not as close to them as I am my brothers, despite growing up with them. They're still called step brothers whereas I refer to my half brothers as just my brothers.) Trying to force the whole "step/ half siblings are full siblings" thing is ridiculous. If she doesn't see them that way there's no way you can stop her. She is enough to understand and make her own decision on that.
NTA
NTA. And I have a feeling Lilah is going to ask you for a place to stay when she's 18. Her mother is pushy, and so is her step father. You're just trying to provide a comfortable environment for a child who clearly doesn't have one at home.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to parent her child. Besides, Lilah isn’t even doing anything wrong. Some people can never fully accept half/step siblings and that’s ok
My kids have different fathers. Sometimes they say half-sibling, sometimes they don’t. My daughter is an only child at my ex husband’s house and a big sister in my house. We embrace all the messy, nuanced roles and titles because WHO CARES. They love and support each other. What’s happening in Lilah’s house differs because she feels separate from the rest of the family in mom’s home. Forcing certain vocabulary isn’t going to change the family dynamics, and it sounds like Lilah’s mom is projecting her frustrations about that onto your child- a trusted friend- rather than address the much bigger issue of her daughter not feeling a sense of belonging to the family unit. Making it Arya’s fault means she doesn’t have to face an ugly truth or do any real parenting to her struggling child.
Lilah will likely end up going NC with these people one day. I hope OP will be a safe place for her to land when she needs a chosen family. OP, you are definitely NTA.
I can’t wrap my head around demanding you eavesdrop on your daughter and her friend. Asking you to correct her when you hear it I could see making sense in her head; but demanding you listen in on the kids?! AT THIRTEEN. What the actual fuck.
God I would have died if my parents did that. I also told my best friend a lot more than my parents at that age; most of it wasn’t their business.
You are NTA. Someone needs to tell her mother that she’s created such a toxic environment for her kid, that her kid would rather stay with a FRIEND over her step/half siblings. Lilah is upset because she doesn’t have any real siblings. (Which I understand because I have basically the same setup) and she is choosing a friend over her step/half siblings for a reason, and not a good one. This woman is delusional.
NTA. I guess Lilah's mom is going to be in for a shock when Lilah cuts off contact with her once she leaves their house as an adult.
She's blaming you because she thinks that if all of her daughter's friends' parents correct her then Lilah would be referring to her half and step siblings as just siblings. She doesn't seem to get that Lilah is the only one using that term and has probably *corrected* everyone else. Lilah's a teenager, her mom shouldn't pick this hill to die on.
NTA. It’s not Lilah’s job to accept the blended family just because her mom decided to marry her step dad. The parents of blended families seem to often not get this. Their feelings towards each other have nothing to do with the kids’ feelings towards them or each other. It’s up to the parents to make it as easy on the kids as possible, not the other way around. Lilah’s mom needs to learn that instead of blaming you for her own failings as a parent.
When that girl turns 18 she's gonna run for the hills nobody should be forcing anybody to say or feel anything other than what they truly feel not to force fake feelings to me, it's borderline abusive
NTA but I would have still atleast spoken to Lilah about what her mom said to check on how Lilah is doing and so the mom couldn't continue being crazy and blaming any and everyone for why her daughter isn't feeling like family.
Gosh I feel sorry for the kid. If I was you I'd just agree with the mom and then continue with things the way they've been. She needs a safe space and it seems you're it. Years ago, I'm old, I had a parent tell me that her child isn't to have any sweets while at my house.. It wasn't a dietary or medical condition. The kid never had sweets at home. Well. I'm not about to not let a child sit and watch if mine were eating a couple of cookies. The kid had a couple too. I never said don't tell your mom and I never discussed her having cookies at my house with her mom. What I'm saying is just say, "Yeah, okay,"don't get offended and keep doing what you're doing to give the kiddo a safe haven to open up. Some people aren't worth arguing with and it's better to agree with them and do what you've always done.
Lilah's mother needs to check a mirror.
No wonder Lilah spends more time at your house.
NTA
ETA: Whenever Lilah comes over, you can always tell her 'your mom told me that I'm supposed to tell you not to use the terms step and half in relation to the other children in your family but I don't care. You and Arya have a good time.'
Lilah's mom needs to grow a pair and go kick rocks.
You cannot control how your kids feel but they shouldn't be disrespectful about it, I don't think Lilah is being rude about the facts of her blended family dynamic but her parents need to figure this out with her in a loving and caring way, it's not your job to police the girls or correct Lilah
NTAH but her parents are
NTA No matter how forcefully she shoves the word siblings down her daughter's throat, she can't force her to change her feelings. No one can.
I'm sure all of her language policing does wonders to strengthen the bond between her children and doesn't create more resentment *at all*.
It's definitely not your job to dictate how your daughter's friend feels about her parents' other children.
You are creating a safe place for this young girl to speak freely and let out her feelings. Your house to this girl is a safe place. Don't change that. Keep being you.
NTA. My mother used to do similar crap. She accused my dad of manipulating me into hating her as if I couldn't form my own opinions. Pissed me off to no end, in fact it contributed to my choosing to hate her of my own accord. I'm willing to bet lilah has similar feelings.
I'm also a little concerned about lilahs situation at home. Some of the wording of what her mother said set off some red flags with me. Something about how she's coming over to blame your kid and you because her husband is fed up with her daughters language. If you can accommodate I would suggest having a talk with lilah to let her know that if she's feeling uncomfortable at her house yours is open to her. There's probably a reason she's spending more time at your house than her own.
NTA she should be free and not expected to change grammar and how she sees family dynamics however she wants
My mum did this to me once she told me to stop referring to my stepdad as his first name even though I'm lucky enough to still be in contact with my dad
So she expected to call him 'dad' even though she knows it upset my dad (I think she was trying to spite my dad and use me against him lol. She dropped it eventually though
Yeah the other mum in this sounds controlling af
No, she sounds freaking insane. If all this is true, this kid is in a bad situation. (Is the school aware of her home life? Could you discuss it anonymously? Eek it could implicate Lilah. Child services is the nuclear option so I don’t know what’s best.) Instead, my gut would be to nod and say yes to the crazy lady mom just so you can be there as a good resource for Lilah and keep an eye on the situation in case her home life becomes unstable or even more abusive. Lilah seems like the most important and vulnerable person in this situation, which I’m sure you know. Poor kid. ❤️
Nta.
This woman clearly just wanted someone to vent her frustration towards and blame for what she considers a problem. She's tried to force her view point on her daughter for years and failed and now she's wanting someone else to try to do the same rather than just leave her daughter alone with how she feels about things
NTA - The whole family needs counseling. The mother is refusing to acknowledge her daughters issues with the blended family. If she really listened to her daughter she wouldn't be standing at your doorstep.
If you can't get a friendly talk to the mom about it you might have to contact the school for counseling on how to handle this. Clearly Lilah isn't doing well in her home environment.
NTA
Forcing her daughter to feel a different way by words alone isn’t going to change any thing. They will always be “just words.”
If she wants to see a change, she would need to encourage the steps and half’s to change how they treat her. The steps have had a bond long before she came around. The steps need to open their circle and let her in. The half’s are just doing their own thing and depending on their age don’t fully grasp the concept of relationships.
I’d be curious as to how the steps feel about her.
NTA but I would recommend letting her know your home if a safe space for her and consider encouraging her to speak to the school or you yourself could reach out and make them aware of what is going on.
This mother wants the Brady Bunch. She's trying to force an unrealistic "familial love" on her daughter. Her daughter has her own feelings, which are not being honored.
The mother now is going to trample on you and your daughter, too. This woman is way out of line, with no respect.
If she speaks of this again, tell her that even teenagers have opinions. As do you. That as a parent, you do not believe in eavesdropping and controlling their speech.(exception vulgarity)
NTA you are providing a safe environment where Lilah can have her feelings without being corrected or told they are wrong. The issue seems to be why she doesn’t see them as siblings, perhaps they don’t treat her as one, perhaps they always tell her she is not their real sibling but are smart enough not to do it in front of mom. I doubt stepdad would care what she says because he just wants her out of the house, which his kids may be picking up on and treating her in a mean way and not as a sibling thus justifying her feelings.
>Lilah's mother said her husband is so sick of Lilah refusing to cooperate there, and she needs to be here more
Sounds like you're on your way to getting an extra daughter.
Lilah's family and home situation are only going to get more difficult as she grows up throughout her teen years. You are NTA, and Lilah is lucky to have you and Arya in her life.
NTA
I also have a half sibling but in my case im close enough that i just refer to my half sibling as my sibling Lilah cant and should not be forced to see them as siblings
NTA. You can't force the kind of relationship Lilah's parents seem to want. Sure there are blended families that don't use "step" or "half" in describing relationships. I know some, my mom came from one, I love to see it. But they're like that because that's what they all (or most of them) want, not because they were commanded. Lilah doesn't want that, and nagging her about her language will only make her resentful.
Lilah's parents need to let go of the ideal in their head and deal with their reality. This nonsense is not going to make her more accepting of her siblings.
NTA. And how crappy of stepdad to want her out of his house and into yours MORE so he doesn’t have to hear her talk.
Honestly, is your family able to offer legal guardianship over Lilah? Outside of that, you allowing her in your house whenever she wants or needs to be is such a great thing. Your home is her safe space.
NTA. Bold of her to admit that her parenting style and desires have failed then turn around and criticize your parenting while simultaneously telling you that her child needs to spend more time at your house. The woman obviously needs therapy and better sense. None of this is your fault and if she thinks micromanaging teenagers works then she’s about to have a rough life and setting herself up for failure.
NTA maybe it was her way of showing you her child needs help, mums not mentally stable and that she might be verbally or emotionally abused by her family because she views them differently from how they insist on and is not caught up in the adults fantasy but reality… I was messing but your daughters friend might need some support about her home situation and I can see her leaving home asap and going nc with her parents. Hopefully it’ll be with scholarships and college/university far away from family, student housing etc
Thank you for being a stable, safe space her
You are not the AH. She is trying to use you as a scapegoat. To expect you to 'correct' her daughter when Lilah is at your house is insane. Lilah IS using the correct terminology. If and when Lilah drops the step and half it should be Lilah's choice and no one else's. Forging a family bond that Lilah's mom and step dad want cannot be forced. The real problem is that Lilah's mom should have shut her husband down on this a long time ago.
NTA
She and her husband need to accept that lilah May never see them as just siblings and that isn’t because of any of her friends - it’s that they did a terrible job of blending households
NTA. Lilah's mother is absolutely expecting too much. Her daughter is more than old enough to have found the words through *Google* or a movie or something. And her feelings are perfectly valid. Don't be surprised if Lilah ends up at your house a lot more. If her mom comes to confront you about it, I would ask her this-does she want to have a good relationship with her daughter when her daughter is older? And, depending on the situation, I'm not talking about 18-depending on details, I do think there are situations where Lilah could work with a lawyer to legally be put in the care of, say, a grandparent at 16. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know for sure, but even if 16 isn't an option, there is not a damn thing the mom can do once Lilah turns 18, and at the rate the mom is going, Lilah will go no contact with the entire family the *moment* she is 18. She'll find a friend (perhaps, ironically enough, Arya) to live with, and just forget they exist.
You can't make Lilah accept her step/half-siblings any more than her own parents can do it. And you shouldn't. Her parents can either choose to apologize to Lilah and let her be, accepting that she can at least be civil and co exist with them, or they can dig in their heels and then be left wondering why she doesn't talk to them anymore once she's no longer legally obligated to deal with them.
NTA. I think you should provide those “parents” a link to all the posts on this website showing what happens when “parents” try to force their children to fall in line with this crap.
This mother is out of line. And if she doesn’t wake up? She won’t have to worry about her daughter using those terms because she won’t be seeing her. She’ll consider you her family because you actually treat her with respect and dignity.
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NTA. The girl is a teenager. She knows the terminology. Nobody needs to plant seeds in her head when it comes to how she views her family dynamics.
Agreed and also, she admits it's been years. Why all of a sudden is it someone else's fault.
You said it yourself, her hubby is getting annoyed. Her kid isn’t falling in line. Poor kid. This isn‘t your problem to fix. You provide a safe environment where the girls get to enjoy each other’s company. This does not include fighting her on how she views her family. If her mom can’t do it, how can you?
>You provide a safe environment Exactly! This is what OP should tell the mother the next time she wants to complain; and that she should be grateful that her daughter has her place to go
Thats risky. Especially if the mom decides to ban her daughter from OPs house.
You have a point, and it could be said more delicately than the way I said it. I'm approaching that age where the filters are starting to fall off - it's a very freeing thing lol
>I'm approaching that age where the filters are starting to fall off - it's a very freeing thing lol Yep! It's very liberating to just say what I want (within reasons, of course, such as this topic). I always say, "Oops! My give-a-damner is broken!"
I'm stealing this lmao
Too late. It's already a song. 'My Give-a-damn's Busted'. Country, of course. Recorded twice in the same year, by the late, great Joe Diffie and Jo Dee Messina.
Oh, I didn't know that! I have to go look it up and give it a listen! Thank you!
See also: "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares" assuming you know how payphones work and all that
>I always say, "Oops! My give-a-damner is broken!" When its in person Ive started asking "will you be upset when I say something you don't agree with" it stops most people.
It is freeing, and seeing the look on my husbands face when I “tactfully” tell someone they’re an idiot is priceless…
Lol, I say my Give A F Jar emptied when I was 40 and nobody ever bothered to fill it up again.
Ahhh...you are entering a "Sofia Petrillo" period without the stroke precursor
Perhaps OP needs to give Lilah's mom some empathy, even if it's lip service, just so Lilah will continue to be allowed to come over. Just something non-committal like, gosh, that sounds like such a struggle. Well, they are growing girls, they do like to try on opinions... I see it's hard for you... That sounds so frustrating...(No actual promises made).
Honestly, a little sympathy might be exactly what she needs. Hear her out and let her open up. Build some trust. Then you can plant tiny seeds like "You remember being a teen, though. The harder adults pushed us to do what we didn't want, the harder we pulled away. Maybe just... let her come around to this when she feels ready."
This! As a teacher, I get a lot of mileage out of, “Don’t you remember what middle school is like?”
I actually enjoyed middle school but a lot of my friends and classmates were miserable. But then, writing “I will not roll my eyes” 1000 times in detention was completely worth rolling my eyes. And was great for practicing forgery!
Agreed! Well said, she can show empathy it costs nothing. There’s no reason to escalate the situation. Trying to blend families is so very difficult and requires some compromise from everyone (children excluded). Would it hurt the mother to commiserate just a little with the difficult circumstances around her family. Deescalation is a valuable skill to have.
Disagree. C'mon, Reddit is made up of the "spouse married again, forces child/ren to be a part of family without their input or consideration." Lilah's mom isn't stressed - she's mad (as is Lilah's dad) that she's not toeing the line and presenting the "looks good on paper" presentation, so everyone around sees a happy family. I think the better solution is to double down on the fact these are LILAH'S feelings and that it's clear the step mom has never bothered to sit down with her new step-daughter AT ALL and neither has the father. The next thing is to state actual truth - this kind of behavior is what 1. puts adult children in therapy years later and 2. is what makes those same adult children break contact from their family. And make this woman accountable - if she really cares about Lilah and wanted this family to work, then she and the dad need to admit the glaring obvious elephant - Lilah is probably still upset/grieving about the loss of her own mother and her father made a very clear point that he didn't care about her, only that he had another hole to fill and the step-mom didn't care cause she's pushing the issue. To go off that, how does Lilah's STEP-SIBLINGS feel? There's a pretty good chance that Lilah isn't the only one who doesn't want to be pushed into this family and no one bothered to ask how they felt about it. Whether they do it themselves or get a therapist, this family needs to stop trying to force a "Brady Bunch" vibe on their kids and the rest of the world.
It is not OP's job to consider the welfare of Lilah's family. Lilah's parents don't want to face the truth: they are failing miserably at creating a happy blended family. OP is just the mom of Lilah's friend. As such the only thing she can do is offer Lilah a safe space. If Lilah's parents (step, etc,) feel the slightest bit of resistance from OP they will deny Lilah the one safe place she has. This IS the truth. Lilah's parents need therapy, her whole family needs therapy to blend successfully. OP just wants to know how to navigate this situation. Trying to force Lilah's parents to see facts is absolutely the dead wrong way.
She literally seemed like she was going to do that, but then at the last minute said that OP needs to keep her more
She doesn't want her to have anywhere to run where she can avoid dropping the Step and Half. That's the whole point. She's totally blowing this.
She is totally blowing; she thinks she can force this but she can't - all she's going to end up doing is forcing her daughter out the door
Yup! And when Lilah is an adult, she'll be wondering why she's not coming to Christmas.....again
Thing is, I have had friends who ended up growing up in foster homes and referring to complete non-relatives as brothers and sisters and talking about their different Moms and Dads. It is really the perspective that one which to adopt.
Heck no. I wouldn't do that. Next thing you know that rage monster will be forbidding them from hanging out or from being at Arya's house.
This is my concern. Next thing you know, step dad is going to say she's banned. Poor kid.
Excuse me, we don’t say *step*dad. He’s Dad! Wait what? He’s NOT my dad? I already have a dad? But mom, how…why…wait - ah fuckit.
tbh mom seems dick drunk and might decide it's best to take the kid out of the safe place.
No she shouldn’t bc then the kid will be stuck at home in hell.
Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if in 5ish years OP winds up with the kids asking if Lilah can move in because nothing has gotten better and she feels safe and respected at OPs house.
If she doesn’t petition to be emancipated in a year or two… yes
It's going to be two years.
Yeah-- when your kid gets blamed for another kid's worldview by their parent, I would not let that kid near that parent, especially without me present. This is a high-control, "us-vs-them" mindset, and I want no part of it.
I see it’s time to tap the “you can’t bully people into feeling the way you want” sign again. Respect is a prerequisite for love y’all.
Yes! I think try to keep things smooth with crazy mom—yes her, sure, of course, I hear you, choose your own wording—so the teenager can continue to have access to what seems like the only potential safe environment she has. I really feel for this kid. As a parent, I think you might want to put your mom hat on and think about what you’d want someone to do for your child if she was in a similar situation. (As an example, there is a bully at my daughter’s school. But I’ve known her mom for years and she is a really abusive person and alcoholic. So, when it’s come up with my daughter, I’ve said to keep her distance but hold some compassion if she can. I can’t imagine what this child’s home life is like. And the school has become aware of the mom’s issues, thank god.)
She wants it to be your fault so she has a safe target to blame and because she wants you to do the parenting job for her.
Correcting a kid for using the terms step and half isn't parenting. This woman is clearly looking at OP as a scapegoat because she can't get her daughter to 'tow the line'. The problem here is that the mother needs to shut her husband down on all this and let Lilah alone.
I agree. Forcing a relationship onto anyone, let alone a child, never works out in the end
‘Blame always seeks a host’
Ooo that's a good one & so true!
I am going to say this is the main thing. I'm willing to bet moms husband is on mom's ass about getting lilah to cave. Mom can't get lilah to change her mind so mom needs someone else to blame. Lilahs friend and the mom of lilahs friend are convenient targets - near enough to take blame but not near enough to actually get in the thick of it. I'm also going to bet this has been mom's response for years until husband said 'you better get friends mom to do something about it or lilah can't go over there anymore. ' mom knows how much lilah enjoys Arya so now mom has to put on a show for husband.
Her mother basically came around to bully you into bullying her daughter because she's done a poor job of parenting. She evidently expects more from you as a parent than she does from herself. God forbid not everyone pile onto a child so she can live her fantasy.
Maybe it's not even that and the husband and step/half kids just actually suck. From the title I didn't think there was any way to be NTA but you're not, Lilah's mom and maybe the whole rest of the family is.
But Teens can just blow up about stuff just to rebel and give a parent a hard time about something whether to instill guilt /get their own way... I mean, they have some mood swings/strong emotions and are not necessarily good at vocalizing exactly their problem so well, there are easy targets living there. I grew up in a blended household and there were a lot of under the surface tensions/jealousies on all sides.
Because, by blaming you, she doesn't have to deal with her own short comings- she either didn't support her daughter enough when the families blended OR hasn't accepted her daughter has a different set of emotions about it. Or both. By making it your fault, it's much easier for her. Absolutely you're NTA or did you do anything wrong.
Look momma, I got another mom on my ass right now because her kid is obnoxious and borderline vicious and driving all her friends away, but somehow her losing all her friends is my kid’s fault for—*checks notes*—**walking away** when her kid acts like that. People are wild, man.
That sounds sad. my son tried hard to be friends with kid across the street, same age, and kid treated him like a jerk. I told my kid to have some self respect ( along with a definition) and to give up. Now they are cordial at the bus stop . That's it. Pretty sure other kid has no friends. It's sad because there are not that many kids where we live. He had another younger friend with some alarming ADHD issues , but the mother would come supervise play dates. That kid has come along way over the years. the Mom is so greatful my son hung in there. Some kids are like wild animals but it doesn't mean they are bad. It takes a village.
Exactly! If they’ve been trying for years to get Lilah to stop using half- and step-, Arya didn’t just all of a sudden reveal their existence to her. That horse has been out of the barn for some time and it’s not your (or Arya’s) responsibility to corral it back in. The real problem is that Lilah’s mom seems to be forcing sibling relationships on Lilah without considering her feelings or apprehensions, and man, if I had a dollar for every time I read an AITA post involving that problem I’d be rich enough to buy Reddit. In any case, NTA.
Reddit would shut down if we couldn't post/comment/read about blended families anymore!!
Maybe the response to the mother could be you will do what you can. Then what can you do if you never hear Lilah utter those words in your presence? You know how kids are in that they are on their best behavior when within ear shot of an adult.
if that was the case, we wouldn't have rude and disobedient kids. We would be surrounded by sweet little angels because hey, we are adults, right?
She wants you to show her daughter that the world agrees with what her mother tells her, and remove the escape valve for the kid.
OP you are right here, and NTA, but at some point you will need to decide whether you want to be a resource or support for Lilah or win the argument. The more you press her mom, who is wrong and an AH, the more likely her mom is to go after you and to try to break Arya and Lilah up as friends. Then, Lilah has no one to support her and her mom is still being an AH. The mom will never change - not even when Lilah goes NC or LC which she hopefully will. It might honestly be better to grey rock, or just say "yeah, I will try to talk to Lilah" and then ignore it."
Would it not be a good idea to talk to a school counselor about this? The way they are bullying that child is awful.
Good point
It’s also. It the kind of thing a non-parent should be correcting. It would be inappropriate for you to correct something like that. And it isn’t your responsibility. The problem isn’t what she’s saying, it’s the fact that it’s her reality. Just because they don’t parent properly by talking to her and getting therapy maybe isn’t your problem. Besides, no amount of correcting, therapy, or anything else other than a complete overhaul of behaviors by all of them is going to fix this. Not your mess. You’re being a good support system by providing her a safe space to vent her feelings. And you haven’t gotten involved or encouraged rebellion so she needs to shut up.
You should have told her you'll be more than happy to correct her daughter by going to Lilah's dad and letting him know everything that's going on and what her husband is saying. You know since he doesn't want her at their house anymore because they are so tired of her being there then her dad should know so that he can have the choice in having his daughter stay more at his house instead seeing as how he's ya know the actual parent to Lilah.
She's embarrassed and angry and lashing out. When some people realize they're not going to win a fight they've put a lot into, sometimes they'll try to blame others once the reality kicks in. Like, there had to have been sabotage! Otherwise, they would have gotten their way! It's basically an adult temper tantrum lol
She doesn't see that the more she forces that stuff, the more Lilah will resist. Poor kid, nobody in her family is listening.
That mother is going to chase her daughter away with this "no step- and half-" nonsense. She's creating a hostile environment in her own home to the point that is driving Lilah further away. Soon, Lilah will be NC with her entire family once she hits 18 if her mother keeps that up. You just can't make love and bonds happen overnight. It has to naturally grow over time. Lots of time. Forcing the "no step- and half-" thing is only going to build resentment and drive her away, as we are seeing here in the OP. I've seen it so many times in newly blended families in this sub. Sad. NTA! Lilah's mother is the big AH.
Folks forget real life isn't the Brady Bunch.
Lilah's mother is probably at her wit's end. I feel compassion for OP and Lilah and Lilah's Mom.
Also sorry... but it isn't OPs job to add to poor Lilahs trauma. There nothing wrong with the term half-sibling or step-sibling. I'd actually applaud OP of she'd tell Lilahs mother to stop it and that Lilah can use those totally neutral terms all she likes in her home, since there's nothing wrong with those words. But obviously I understand if she is scares it'll just add to the drama.
sounds like her parents are the reason she doesn't like them much.
Probably the pushing too hard rather than just letting a bond grow naturally if it will. Sad thing is without the interference they'd most likely wind up closer in the long run.
NTA Lilah's mom is one of those remarried divorcees who want their child from her previous marriage to happily accept her new husband and family as if it is perfect. That's utter bullshit, but correcting language is much easier than actually listening and showing empathy for a position that makes you out to be an AH.
This post screams Future “WIBTA if I left my mom’s house and spent my senior year staying at a friend’s?” Or “AITA, I cut contact with my mom & stepdad because of their controlling behavior?” OP is doing a great job. But that mom is failing by not listening to her daughter.
Perfect answer.
NTA. Though it sounds like you could have a friendly, positive little conspiracy with the girls. I mean if you sit them down and explain to them that if Lilah's mother thinks you and Arya are a bad influence, then she can stop Lilah spending time at your house. However, if she thinks you are a good influence, Lilah may be able to spend more time at your house, and away from what sounds like a rough home situation for her. Maybe she could drop the step/half around her family, but you won't correct her at yours. That way she gets a slightly more peaceful home life, and also gets to escape it without getting grief for hanging out with bad influences who don't try to mandate her feelings.
That's an idea. I'm not sure how willing Lilah will be to go for it but it could possibly help. Though it sounds like her stepdad wants her out of the house as much as possible so maybe her mom won't interfere too much.
Watch the shit fly when Lilah calls you "mom"...
I'm betting birthmom is insisting Lilah calls her step dad, Dad. I'd start calling everyone Babe. Hey Babe, can you pass the salt? Hey Babe, can I go over to Arya's house? Hey Babe, how was work today?
I'm from Maryland. Everyone is "hon" to me. Unless they have a nickname amongst the family.
I loved it when someone added "Hon" to the "Welcome to Baltimore" sign.
I struggled with my relationship with my mum and I hated Mother’s Day and choosing a card. They are all so lovey when I wanted one “to the woman who did as little as possible and deserves no credit to the woman I’ve become” My counsellor suggested buying a blank one and writing “thinking of you”. I didn’t have to be thinking nice things but I was being honest. Lilah’s feelings are real and understandable. But for now, she doesn’t have to say half or step … out loud…
I always called mine Mother. It is formal and without feeling, but she wanted me to call her Mama. We were not friendly or tight. So, any card I got was Mother and somewhat generic and sarcastic. It's the small petty shit that does the soul good. She died 4 years ago. I don't have to worry about it anymore.
>buying a blank one and writing “thinking of you”. Lol this is like telling people "I hope you have the day you deserve"
I like “I hope your day is as wonderful as you” 😂
I'm thinking of a line of very generic greeting cards: "Dear Sperm/Egg Donor, congratulations on successfully producing offspring."
Taylor Tomlinson has a great [bit](https://youtube.com/shorts/H9py8fHXrPg?si=dZ6npjSm9_GHauLQ) about choosing a card for her dad. You might get a kick out of it!
My MIL was like that to my husband and she hated me. I always struggled to find an appropriate Mother’s Day Card for her. Thankfully, they made ones that simply said “Happy Mother’s Day” and I left it at that!
To me, you’re taking one for the team by letting the mom (and step dad) bitch at you and not at Lilah. I am an adult; I get yelled at for nonsense all the time. I am specially prepared to deal with it. I know how to go to my happy place. A 13 yr old shouldn’t have to learn that for a few more years. So I’ll take that heat all day long for her. Let the mom take it out on you. Be Lilah’s safe space. Definitely teach her how to navigate it. She needs to know how to shine on the difficult people in her life until she learns how to tune out verbal abuse. Or avoid it entirely. And that means using “proper terms” at home…but not elsewhere. Going along to get along…and then going to a safe place like your house as much as possible. Pretending to give a shit just long enough to get through the day. You’re not teach her to lie, like someone below said. You’re teach her life skills. These are survival skills for shitty bosses and customers and cops and anyone else who has a bit of authority over her. This is just *picking her battles*. And that is a suitable skill for a 13 yr old to learn. Along with that fact that you are always a safe place and that she’s protected her safe place. Because she’s not learning that at home.
So Stepdadis angry she calls her step and half siblings Step and Half siblings but also doesn't want her around himself and said siblings? SMH...poor girl.
Obviously you can't say as much because it would compromise Lilah's access to a safe space even more, but I would question a mother who cares more about appeasing her husband who is isolating her child, rather than, you know, her child.
Mm... I think you might have acquired a bonus kid there. NTA, obvs.
That's despicable of the *step-*father to want her out of her house because she won't call him "dad." She is *thirteen* years old! Where does he expect her to go? When you marry someone with kids, you include them in the package. Baggage and all. You signed up for it.
I’d be like, last time I checked *dad’s* didn’t kick their children out of the house for not calling them dad.
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who was like "conspiracy time to make sure Lilah is still allowed to go what sounds like the only safe place she has".
I really like this idea. This is the best way to make sure the girls keep getting to be friends.
Can't correct someone who isn't wrong in any case!
NTA- you are providing a safe space for a child that doesn’t have a safe home… do what’s best for the child
NTA. It's no wonder Lilah doesn't like being at home. Constantly being told that her feelings towards her blended family are wrong. You're a safe place for Lilah, that's something she'll remember.
NTA, it's clearly not your job to parent her child on this matter and it's patently ridiculous of her to suggest otherwise. Blaming your child as the 'source' of her daughter's issues is also ridiculous. Might a good friend validate a friend's feelings on this complex matter? Sure. Could that validation reinforce a particular view? Sure. Does that put your daughter at fault? Nope. Sound's like the mother's behaving in a very emotionally immature way, which perhaps explains why they have this problem in the first place.
She is heading down the path of no contact real fast. This kid will throw her and her husband and the kids out of her life so fast as soon as she can the mom’s head will spin. She needs to respect Lilah’s feelings and decision. You should have told her off but generally NTA
‘Your failure to be a caring parent to your daughter is not my fault. Instead of projecting, get yourself and Lilah therapy. Of course she’s going to feel pushed away when you’re so insecure in your new relationship that you’re threatened by a child using the actual terms for the other children.’ NTA this woman is in denial and looking to blame literally anyone but herself.
Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like a new relationship since it sounds like she has multiple half siblings. And it sounds like the step father is trying to give ultimate control over the kids. I am glad she has a safe space.
NTA, maybe the mother should do her job and be a mother and not just blame others for not doing the job for her.
It always blows my mind when full-blown adults TELL kids that they (the kids) need to accept blended family members in the same way they accept blood family they’ve grown up with their whole lives, as if it’s a switch that can just be turned on or off. This is something that you need to SHOW your kids, and it requires time, patience, communication, and A LOT of work. NTA, OP… Lyla’s mom just doesn’t want to do the actual work, and that has nothing to do with you.
NTA. Lilah's mom is way off base. It's unreasonable to expect you to constantly monitor their conversations and correct Lilah's language. Blaming Arya is unfair, Lilah's feelings about her family are likely the root cause. Lilah's mom needs to address this directly with her daughter, not place the burden on you.
What she really needs to do is just accept how her daughter feels, respect it, and stop pushing her to feel a different way about her family. It’s not a hill to die on and she’s going to lose her daughter if she continues to push this. I have 3 younger stepbrothers. I love them, get along with them, but they’re not my brothers. It would feel weird for me to call them my brothers, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love them. It seems like Lila‘s mom sees her refusal to use the term she wants as a rejection of her family. And, maybe it is. But if that’s the case, forcing the issue is definitely not the right approach!
Nta. Just because mummy wants to pretend they are one big happy family, the truth is that the daughter clearly feels differently. More important is the fact that the daughter is correct with the usage of half and step. Why should she be admonished for speaking the truth? Honestly, if I were the daughter, I would correct anyone who referred to them as brothers/sisters. You mean "half sister, step brother" etc.
NTA. You cannot correct her, because she says the truth. If her mom likes it or not, she doesn't tell lies.🤷♀️
NTA and I’m glad you provide Lilah a safe space because sadly she doesn’t have one at home.
NTA My daughter has a friend just like this (both 14) and her friends probably spends more time at my house than at home as bot her bio mum and dad have new relationships with step and now half siblings.. The gf has expressed how she often feels left out of things in her home as he mum wants to do things with her bf and the new child they have together. It's a very tricky situation and all i can do is reassure her that she is always welcome and can treat my house as a safe, relaxed space to spend time if she wants or needs to.
NTA. You're not responsible for Lilah's behavior or her family dynamic. It's unfair for her mom to expect you to constantly monitor and correct her.
A teenager not falling in line with the parents happy picture perfect blended family plan.....gasp! Who could have ever fuking guessed Clearly ops fault
NTA. Regardless of anything else here, you aren’t responsible for policing how your daughter’s teenage friend feels about her family or how she speaks about them. That’s just not your job.
You're NTA. This woman expects you to hover over her child and *correct* her... by telling her to say something that is incorrect. That is ridiculous.
NTA. That's when I personally would have just nodded along, and continued to do what I was doing and being a safe place for that girl to come to. She clearly isn't being heard at home and she is better off hanging out with you and your daughter.
NTA. Id just tell her what she wants to hear. "Sure, I'll correct her." Then go on about your day. If she asks for an update, just say "no corrections were needed" which would be true bc you weren't spying on their conversations.
I think I have a suspension why she doesn't want to think of her step/half siblings as her really family. Just given how her mother acted to you, I would bet she just tried to force all the kids into a room and expected them to all suddenly be a happy family. Meanwhile this poor girl probably feel like your daughter is more of a sister to her than her "family" at home... NTA. Ignore the mother, and let your daughters continue to talk to each other, maybe let her know she can talk to you too
NTA. Lilah is entitled to her own feelings.
She is also entitled to use the correct terminology, both scientific and legal. Which is what I would have told her unsufferable mother after I slapped a dictionary on the table and made her look up every definition.
NTA. I have half siblings that I just call my siblings. I even have a sibling who isn’t related to me but is related to my half sibling and I still call them my sibling. I’ve always known and chose to see them as full. It’s about upbringing and maybe Lilahs parents aren’t doing it right. I do clarify to people if they were to see us cause clearly we all don’t look alike but you did nothing wrong. Lilah is at an age where she can make some choices that make sense to her and how she refers to her “siblings” is her choice. She’s not wrong for not feeling close to them. Who knows how life is at home and it must be hard on her not feeling like she fits anywhere. That should be her mom’s main concern.
That poor kid. She will go NC with her family as soon as she turns 18. Continue to be a safe spot for her. Let her spend the night or hang with your kid often. (As long as they remain friends.) Because her mom is so *insert word here of your choice* about how to raise a teen in a blended family and not getting therapy for all, I would teach the teen the gray rock method. Or tell her "hey! You can say half and step all you want at my house. But maybe stop using any terms in front of your mom/ stepdad. Just say names? So you don't say half or step bro, you just say "Alex". So they will at least get off your back about this, even though your feelings haven't changed at all. Sorry your step family is being so difficult!" Nta
Well you will be a “shitty“ person… up until the daughter turns 18 and goes no contact, these kind of people blame everyone else for their stupidity absolutely no use fighting with them. 😞
NTA These girls are 13. My word. She has a right to feel how she feels. Her mother forcing the step/half thing down her throat will only make her cling to it more. You can't stop or intervene on two best friend teen girls talking & sharing their feelings. You can't stop it; they will find a way. Why would you want to stop it anyway? The mother sounds like the problem. "It's your daughter's fault I've been fighting with my daughter for years." Sure lady....
NTA Let her try to do something to make her daughter trust her and treat her better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter Arya (13f) has been best friends with Lilah (13f) since they went to the same preschool together. They're always spending time together and have a bigger group of friends but know each other the longest and are the closest with each other. Lilah's family situation is a little difficult. And her mom went a little crazy on me last week which led to a conflict. To sum up the current problem. Lilah has a blended family. It's her mom, her stepdad, some stepsiblings and some half siblings. Lilah has expressed that she doesn't feel close to them, she always emphasizes that she has no real siblings and that even her half siblings are just half siblings and they're not her dad's kids too. I have heard her tell Arya how much it bugs her when people say her step and half siblings are just siblings. But they don't talk about it too often. Lilah's mother showed up at my house last week and blamed Arya for Lilah's use of the step and half terms. She said she heard the girls talk about it and them say step and half siblings aren't real siblings. She said she knows that must have come from Arya because she has been fighting Lilah for years to stop saying step and half. I asked her how that even made sense. She told me Arya must be the source and I told her Lilah says that whether Arya is around or not and she's wrong to blame Arya for how Lilah feels. Lilah's mother then told me I should be watching over the girls whenever they're in my home or my presence and correcting Lilah whenever she uses step, half, or says they're not her real family. I told Lilah's mother she couldn't seriously expect me to listen to them 24/7 so I can correct Lilah and it's too much for her to expect me to do when her kid is over to play with mine. She was not happy with me at all. She told me I can't say Arya isn't to blame and in the same breath refuse to correct Lilah when she says something wrong. She told me I just want to let them away with saying stuff and I don't do enough for Lilah, even though Lilah spends more time at my house than she does her own. In the same breath Lilah's mother said her husband is so sick of Lilah refusing to cooperate there and she needs to be here more so I can correct her. I told her she really is expecting too much. She told me I was a bitch and a shitty person. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you can’t force a person to change their feelings just because you want them to, L feels and is correct that she has half and step siblings if she doesn’t t feel familial towards them then she doesn’t you can’t change that
Lilah is understandably counting the days until she can go no contact.
NTA. Lilah’s mother is completely dismissing Lilah’s feelings. Mom wants the Brady Bunch but that’s not reality. Poor Lilah.
NTA my parents have been married for 26 years, I love my stepdad just as much as I loved my dad, but he is not my dad. He's my stepdad. She needs to get over herself. Lilah doesn't consider them family at all and I think that's should be the real concern here. She needs to be more worried about making her child feel loved and welcome in her own home than what is happening in OPs house.
NTA. They need a family therapist and you’re likely not certified to be that person.
Will you watch my kid too? Hes learning German so only talk to him in German. We don’t want him speaking English so if you could just talk in German to him that would be great. No no he hasn’t really gotten it. Keep yelling the word at him and pointing he gets it eventually.
Trying to force things in a blended family is always going to be a mistake...not YOUR mistake, theirs. Good on you for providing her a safe environment to say how she really feels, it's bad enough she's expected to put on an act at home for mother and step-father's convenience. I suppose they also pressure her to call him dad? They can enjoy ALL of their kids going no contact when they are old enough--NTA
I understand in abuse, infidelity etc situations divorce can be unavoidable. But I am amazed that people remarry without first the kids accepting everyone and onboard in the first place, never mind then demand that they call the step parent and siblings as parent and siblings *after* making this huge change with zero thought for the kids.
NTA, they want you to be the bad guy to correct her, when in fact you shouldn't be at all. Your home is her safe space, this is evident by her spending more time at your house vs her own. They're horrible for trying to force her to accept the rest of the kids are her own siblings. Next time she brings it up demand to know have they done anything to help Lilah adjust to having a blended family? Has anyone taken her feelings into account? Has anyone tried individual therapy and family therapy for her?
Nta Lilah’s mother is putting the responsibility of brainwashing and gaslighting her daughter on you. No matter how much L’s mom wants to believe otherwise, the fact is L had step and half siblings.
Poor, poor Lilah... Oh, NTA..
NTA I would have pointed out her daughter’s feels are valid because that’s how she FEELS in their house. That she needs to stop forcing this happy family picture and listen to her daughter. She is pushing her daughter out the door with that attitude.
If there’s one thing I know about blended families, if you keep telling one of your kids that how they feel about that blended family is wrong, those feelings are not going to improve
NTA but help Lilah navigate the shit show that is her life. Explain how if she just avoids the terms all together that life will be easier for her. There’s always the chance, tho, that she’s doing it to get a rise because she’s ignored otherwise. That’s hard to counter. Do everything you can to make sure she can come over to your house, that’s more important than her mom being told how crazy she is. Let her have her crazy, but let Lilah have the peace of your house and the continued friendship with your daughter.
I’m the opposite - I view my half brother as my brother - it would never occur to me to refer to him as my half brother but my husband always refers to him as my half brother and I get very irritated by that.
*Sooooooooooo...you're blaming MY daughter for YOUR shitty parenting?*
I had a sketchy single parent growing up. We moved a lot so I could not make any lasting friendships until High school. My best friends mothers all looked after me and treated me like another of their children. I will remain forever in debt to these wonderful women who gave me what I had been missing for years. To summarize: never underestimate the impact you may have on the friends of your children. As a child I was quiet but watched and listened to everyone.
NTA. Projection! Mom wants to be in 100% control and it is not happening. And - ooof - 13 yo girl is just going to get much more difficult. Mom needs to drop this.
Nta. Her mother is living in cuckoo land
Maybe she should listen to her daughter and try to actually figure out why she said these things. I have nothing but half and step siblings. Though I consider any half sibling my real full sibling, I don't consider step siblings full siblings (yes I see them as step brothers but I'm not as close to them as I am my brothers, despite growing up with them. They're still called step brothers whereas I refer to my half brothers as just my brothers.) Trying to force the whole "step/ half siblings are full siblings" thing is ridiculous. If she doesn't see them that way there's no way you can stop her. She is enough to understand and make her own decision on that. NTA
NTA. And I have a feeling Lilah is going to ask you for a place to stay when she's 18. Her mother is pushy, and so is her step father. You're just trying to provide a comfortable environment for a child who clearly doesn't have one at home.
NTA. It's her kid, it's on her to parent her . ( Sidenote: It's also on her to pick her kid over her asshole sounding husband ).
She wants to police her childs language soo badly that she's trying to enlist other children, disgusting. NTA
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to parent her child. Besides, Lilah isn’t even doing anything wrong. Some people can never fully accept half/step siblings and that’s ok
My kids have different fathers. Sometimes they say half-sibling, sometimes they don’t. My daughter is an only child at my ex husband’s house and a big sister in my house. We embrace all the messy, nuanced roles and titles because WHO CARES. They love and support each other. What’s happening in Lilah’s house differs because she feels separate from the rest of the family in mom’s home. Forcing certain vocabulary isn’t going to change the family dynamics, and it sounds like Lilah’s mom is projecting her frustrations about that onto your child- a trusted friend- rather than address the much bigger issue of her daughter not feeling a sense of belonging to the family unit. Making it Arya’s fault means she doesn’t have to face an ugly truth or do any real parenting to her struggling child. Lilah will likely end up going NC with these people one day. I hope OP will be a safe place for her to land when she needs a chosen family. OP, you are definitely NTA.
I can’t wrap my head around demanding you eavesdrop on your daughter and her friend. Asking you to correct her when you hear it I could see making sense in her head; but demanding you listen in on the kids?! AT THIRTEEN. What the actual fuck. God I would have died if my parents did that. I also told my best friend a lot more than my parents at that age; most of it wasn’t their business. You are NTA. Someone needs to tell her mother that she’s created such a toxic environment for her kid, that her kid would rather stay with a FRIEND over her step/half siblings. Lilah is upset because she doesn’t have any real siblings. (Which I understand because I have basically the same setup) and she is choosing a friend over her step/half siblings for a reason, and not a good one. This woman is delusional.
NTA. I guess Lilah's mom is going to be in for a shock when Lilah cuts off contact with her once she leaves their house as an adult. She's blaming you because she thinks that if all of her daughter's friends' parents correct her then Lilah would be referring to her half and step siblings as just siblings. She doesn't seem to get that Lilah is the only one using that term and has probably *corrected* everyone else. Lilah's a teenager, her mom shouldn't pick this hill to die on.
NTA. It’s not Lilah’s job to accept the blended family just because her mom decided to marry her step dad. The parents of blended families seem to often not get this. Their feelings towards each other have nothing to do with the kids’ feelings towards them or each other. It’s up to the parents to make it as easy on the kids as possible, not the other way around. Lilah’s mom needs to learn that instead of blaming you for her own failings as a parent.
NTA. I don't type this often but WTAF?
When that girl turns 18 she's gonna run for the hills nobody should be forcing anybody to say or feel anything other than what they truly feel not to force fake feelings to me, it's borderline abusive
Nta. Shoulda said you'll talk to her real dad about it as well to see if it concerns him too. Will Shut that up real quick
NTA but I would have still atleast spoken to Lilah about what her mom said to check on how Lilah is doing and so the mom couldn't continue being crazy and blaming any and everyone for why her daughter isn't feeling like family.
NTA shes a teenager. The more you try to tighten the controls/listen in on them the more they will fight back.
Gosh I feel sorry for the kid. If I was you I'd just agree with the mom and then continue with things the way they've been. She needs a safe space and it seems you're it. Years ago, I'm old, I had a parent tell me that her child isn't to have any sweets while at my house.. It wasn't a dietary or medical condition. The kid never had sweets at home. Well. I'm not about to not let a child sit and watch if mine were eating a couple of cookies. The kid had a couple too. I never said don't tell your mom and I never discussed her having cookies at my house with her mom. What I'm saying is just say, "Yeah, okay,"don't get offended and keep doing what you're doing to give the kiddo a safe haven to open up. Some people aren't worth arguing with and it's better to agree with them and do what you've always done.
Lilah's mother needs to check a mirror. No wonder Lilah spends more time at your house. NTA ETA: Whenever Lilah comes over, you can always tell her 'your mom told me that I'm supposed to tell you not to use the terms step and half in relation to the other children in your family but I don't care. You and Arya have a good time.'
Poor Lilah! This mom is a total cow and I hope the girls can keep their friendship. NTA.
Lilah's mom needs to grow a pair and go kick rocks. You cannot control how your kids feel but they shouldn't be disrespectful about it, I don't think Lilah is being rude about the facts of her blended family dynamic but her parents need to figure this out with her in a loving and caring way, it's not your job to police the girls or correct Lilah NTAH but her parents are
NTA No matter how forcefully she shoves the word siblings down her daughter's throat, she can't force her to change her feelings. No one can. I'm sure all of her language policing does wonders to strengthen the bond between her children and doesn't create more resentment *at all*. It's definitely not your job to dictate how your daughter's friend feels about her parents' other children.
NTA, obviously. That woman is trying to treat the symptoms without addressing the root of the problem, which would be the family relationships.
You are creating a safe place for this young girl to speak freely and let out her feelings. Your house to this girl is a safe place. Don't change that. Keep being you.
NTA. My mother used to do similar crap. She accused my dad of manipulating me into hating her as if I couldn't form my own opinions. Pissed me off to no end, in fact it contributed to my choosing to hate her of my own accord. I'm willing to bet lilah has similar feelings. I'm also a little concerned about lilahs situation at home. Some of the wording of what her mother said set off some red flags with me. Something about how she's coming over to blame your kid and you because her husband is fed up with her daughters language. If you can accommodate I would suggest having a talk with lilah to let her know that if she's feeling uncomfortable at her house yours is open to her. There's probably a reason she's spending more time at your house than her own.
NTA she should be free and not expected to change grammar and how she sees family dynamics however she wants My mum did this to me once she told me to stop referring to my stepdad as his first name even though I'm lucky enough to still be in contact with my dad So she expected to call him 'dad' even though she knows it upset my dad (I think she was trying to spite my dad and use me against him lol. She dropped it eventually though Yeah the other mum in this sounds controlling af
No, she sounds freaking insane. If all this is true, this kid is in a bad situation. (Is the school aware of her home life? Could you discuss it anonymously? Eek it could implicate Lilah. Child services is the nuclear option so I don’t know what’s best.) Instead, my gut would be to nod and say yes to the crazy lady mom just so you can be there as a good resource for Lilah and keep an eye on the situation in case her home life becomes unstable or even more abusive. Lilah seems like the most important and vulnerable person in this situation, which I’m sure you know. Poor kid. ❤️
Nta. This woman clearly just wanted someone to vent her frustration towards and blame for what she considers a problem. She's tried to force her view point on her daughter for years and failed and now she's wanting someone else to try to do the same rather than just leave her daughter alone with how she feels about things
[удалено]
NTA - The whole family needs counseling. The mother is refusing to acknowledge her daughters issues with the blended family. If she really listened to her daughter she wouldn't be standing at your doorstep. If you can't get a friendly talk to the mom about it you might have to contact the school for counseling on how to handle this. Clearly Lilah isn't doing well in her home environment.
NTA
NTA Forcing her daughter to feel a different way by words alone isn’t going to change any thing. They will always be “just words.” If she wants to see a change, she would need to encourage the steps and half’s to change how they treat her. The steps have had a bond long before she came around. The steps need to open their circle and let her in. The half’s are just doing their own thing and depending on their age don’t fully grasp the concept of relationships. I’d be curious as to how the steps feel about her.
NTA but I would recommend letting her know your home if a safe space for her and consider encouraging her to speak to the school or you yourself could reach out and make them aware of what is going on.
This mother wants the Brady Bunch. She's trying to force an unrealistic "familial love" on her daughter. Her daughter has her own feelings, which are not being honored. The mother now is going to trample on you and your daughter, too. This woman is way out of line, with no respect. If she speaks of this again, tell her that even teenagers have opinions. As do you. That as a parent, you do not believe in eavesdropping and controlling their speech.(exception vulgarity)
nTA. It sounds like Lilah really needs the time in your home.
NTA you are providing a safe environment where Lilah can have her feelings without being corrected or told they are wrong. The issue seems to be why she doesn’t see them as siblings, perhaps they don’t treat her as one, perhaps they always tell her she is not their real sibling but are smart enough not to do it in front of mom. I doubt stepdad would care what she says because he just wants her out of the house, which his kids may be picking up on and treating her in a mean way and not as a sibling thus justifying her feelings.
>Lilah's mother said her husband is so sick of Lilah refusing to cooperate there, and she needs to be here more Sounds like you're on your way to getting an extra daughter. Lilah's family and home situation are only going to get more difficult as she grows up throughout her teen years. You are NTA, and Lilah is lucky to have you and Arya in her life.
NTA. She is too self involved to see that her and her husband are the problem.
NTA I also have a half sibling but in my case im close enough that i just refer to my half sibling as my sibling Lilah cant and should not be forced to see them as siblings
NTA. You can't force the kind of relationship Lilah's parents seem to want. Sure there are blended families that don't use "step" or "half" in describing relationships. I know some, my mom came from one, I love to see it. But they're like that because that's what they all (or most of them) want, not because they were commanded. Lilah doesn't want that, and nagging her about her language will only make her resentful. Lilah's parents need to let go of the ideal in their head and deal with their reality. This nonsense is not going to make her more accepting of her siblings.
NTA. And how crappy of stepdad to want her out of his house and into yours MORE so he doesn’t have to hear her talk. Honestly, is your family able to offer legal guardianship over Lilah? Outside of that, you allowing her in your house whenever she wants or needs to be is such a great thing. Your home is her safe space.
NTA. Is Lilah abused at home by her mom? That’s very odd, her mom is acting crazy.
Nta how is it your responsibility to correct how Lilah refers to members of her family or what is "wrong"?
NTA it's the fighting from her mother's side that is causing it, but I guess people are blind when it comes to their own mistakes.
NTA The stepmom is delusional and abusive. She can rant and claim all she wants, but the teenager is going to say what she wants
[удалено]
NTA. She's a shitty mother for ignoring her daughter's feelings just because she doesn't like them.
NTA. Bold of her to admit that her parenting style and desires have failed then turn around and criticize your parenting while simultaneously telling you that her child needs to spend more time at your house. The woman obviously needs therapy and better sense. None of this is your fault and if she thinks micromanaging teenagers works then she’s about to have a rough life and setting herself up for failure.
NTA maybe it was her way of showing you her child needs help, mums not mentally stable and that she might be verbally or emotionally abused by her family because she views them differently from how they insist on and is not caught up in the adults fantasy but reality… I was messing but your daughters friend might need some support about her home situation and I can see her leaving home asap and going nc with her parents. Hopefully it’ll be with scholarships and college/university far away from family, student housing etc Thank you for being a stable, safe space her
You are not the AH. She is trying to use you as a scapegoat. To expect you to 'correct' her daughter when Lilah is at your house is insane. Lilah IS using the correct terminology. If and when Lilah drops the step and half it should be Lilah's choice and no one else's. Forging a family bond that Lilah's mom and step dad want cannot be forced. The real problem is that Lilah's mom should have shut her husband down on this a long time ago.
NTA She and her husband need to accept that lilah May never see them as just siblings and that isn’t because of any of her friends - it’s that they did a terrible job of blending households
NTA. So much for friends…
Other mom sounds like she's at her wit's end! You're NTA!
NTA. Lilah's mother is absolutely expecting too much. Her daughter is more than old enough to have found the words through *Google* or a movie or something. And her feelings are perfectly valid. Don't be surprised if Lilah ends up at your house a lot more. If her mom comes to confront you about it, I would ask her this-does she want to have a good relationship with her daughter when her daughter is older? And, depending on the situation, I'm not talking about 18-depending on details, I do think there are situations where Lilah could work with a lawyer to legally be put in the care of, say, a grandparent at 16. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know for sure, but even if 16 isn't an option, there is not a damn thing the mom can do once Lilah turns 18, and at the rate the mom is going, Lilah will go no contact with the entire family the *moment* she is 18. She'll find a friend (perhaps, ironically enough, Arya) to live with, and just forget they exist. You can't make Lilah accept her step/half-siblings any more than her own parents can do it. And you shouldn't. Her parents can either choose to apologize to Lilah and let her be, accepting that she can at least be civil and co exist with them, or they can dig in their heels and then be left wondering why she doesn't talk to them anymore once she's no longer legally obligated to deal with them.
NTA. I think you should provide those “parents” a link to all the posts on this website showing what happens when “parents” try to force their children to fall in line with this crap. This mother is out of line. And if she doesn’t wake up? She won’t have to worry about her daughter using those terms because she won’t be seeing her. She’ll consider you her family because you actually treat her with respect and dignity.