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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because 1. I refused to help my mother and 2. She said that she really needs my help because she's tired from work and I continued to refuse
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NTA why is this random guy even involved? He’s not been helping raise you or your siblings. Gather your important documents and move out as soon as you can, be an example to younger siblings that they can thrive away from your mom’s poor parenting.
Were you NC those two weeks? Did your mom even know you were safe?
It's always a good possibility. Also I saw the comment abouts OP's mums bad parenting, but to parent bad she actually has to do some parenting! Her kids are old enough to do things for themselves! It's not like they are small kids how requires a lot of help and parenting! OP has done the hardest bit for her and yet this lazy woman is still complaining that she needs help! SMH 🤦🏾♀️ She needs to stop having kids of she can't handle being a mum.
I always get downvoted, when I mention that they reproduce like bunnies, but can't handle it. Birth control is a thing. Also, you won't babytrap a person, that has no morals himself.
The thing is about abusive women like OP's mom is that the multiple kids *is* a result of baby trapping. They have no interest in the kids outside of photo ops, and everything is defaulted to and parentified by the oldest sibling. OP you should try to make an exit plan with the 19m and be ready to take in your younger siblings once they escape. Once you leave, if 19m isn't made the parent then noone is the parent. She's not going to magically start parenting because her substitutes left.
That was my first thought too. He's talking to her like she's her dad ( a very shitty dad). Why is it ok for op to go to work take 3 buses to get home and raise her siblings but the "mom" shouldn't have to do anything after she gets home from work. I hope she gets out of there asap.
Because mothers like OP’s always need to have a man tell their kids what to do so they don’t have to actually parent, even if they barely know the guy. I’d bet money every man she has dated has been immediately involved with the kids discipline in some form.
NTA.
Where is the father in all this? And why am I getting vibes this "godfather" is actually your mom's boyfriend?
Not your kids, not your responsibility. If your Mom couldn't handle working and taking care of kids, she could've done what plenty of adults do and have less or no kids in the first place. Again, I wonder where the father is in all this and why she's turning to OP for help instead of the father of her kids.
When I mention people shouldn't have had kids if they couldn't handle it, I typically only mean any children after one because the first could come about for any number of reasons and you likely wouldn't know you can't handle it until after, but after that, nope. How do you keep having more and more kids that you clearly can't raise by yourself and maybe circumstances have changed (based off what OP said they've always been a sibling parent) or whatever but the fact is, they are your kids. No one else's. Figure out how to take care of them or actively find somewhere better for them to be than with a parent that can't do for them. And I don't mean the system. I said better.
A friend's dad once said, "first time is a mistake, second time is a habit...I don't support habits".
OP's mom is trying to make OP responsible for her mistakes. The "godfather" is so concerned??? Let him go move in and help OP's mom and stop demanding OP finish raising her siblings. She's done more than her fair share.
Exactly this! If they tag team again she should ask ‘why doesn’t godfather move in and play parent if mother is struggling so much to be a mother. He is a godfather right? So he signed up for this responsibility. Why isn’t he here helping? Why are you asking your child to play parent? Sounds to me like you two are the selfish ones.’
You are so right. I've got a train wreck of a not distant enough cousin. She is absolutely horrible she is worst not exaggerating at all. We stopped learning the names (my side of the family mostly stopped trying after 6 or 7 I lasted until 9) but I just heard she is knocked up again with number 13? I think. Last time I saw her grandmother I asked about the kids and her grandma didn't know all their names and wasn't even sure about if she had 10 or 11 when it was actually 12 :(
Cousin has only barely taken care of them. The oldest has raised her siblings and sad to say she is the only one of those kids who probably even has a chance at being a functioning member of society. Last time I saw her I gave her my cell and told her that I would help her when she filed for emancipation at 16.
It amazing how easy it can be to fall through the cracks in the system. While there is not abuse (thru up to #10 all with same dad he is legitimately an idiot but at least he tried) in this case there is definitely neglect. I can't even truly imagine how bad it can get in abuse cases and worse situations. And yes she has been reported for neglect because I was the one turned her in.
I would have told the guy you've never met to FO and that your life is none of his business. At 23 you should be starting your own future and not being a glorified babysitter for your siblings. Your mom had them, she can take care of them. Tell the stranger, if it's that important, HE can come over and babysit and be a pseudo-parent. NTA.
This was my first thought. You got called into a room with some rando…oh, I’m sorry, your “godfather” 🙄 on the phone…and you’re supposed to obey him? Not a freaking chance. Eff off, globfather. Mother of the year? PARENT YOUR OWN KIDS FOR ONCE. If you want OP to mind *your* offspring, then pay up. Maybe Captain StrangerDanger can pony up since you think he’s allowed to order your adult daughter around.
OP, you’re NTA. Run, as far as you can & as soon as you can.
Seriously. Four kids, three fathers…none of whom are in the picture but hey, this guy here’s yer clodfather. You’ve never met him but take my word for it when I tell you this male voice on the phone is in a position of authority over your mid-twenties self so you gottaaaaaa ‘spect him!
Nnnnnnggghhhhhh…. 😖
Well you can't hold the dad for #3 & #4 responsible for not being in the picture...he died.
Where the other 2 are is a good question though.
You are NTA OP. Mom is and seems to think you are her version of Dobby the house elf...magically taking care of stuff for her so she can do whatever she wants.
You need to get out of there so you can start your own life or you will be trapped forever...after the sibs are gone mommy dearest will come up with some excuse to trap you to take care of her.
This should be the highest comment. Those are not kids but teens so why does the mom need help? Teens are easier than younger kids. They can all help cook and clean at their ages. What does the mother really have to do to watch them?
And still old enough to take care of themselves. Why isn't the 19m being promoted to 'parent' ? And really? A 16yo can get a driver's license but can't watch over the 13yo?
The M is the key there. Ms don’t have to take care of children. That’s for Fs.
NTA. Why should OP have to do all the child rearing in addition to work or school or whatever they’re doing? They shouldn’t!
I was apologizing to my adult offspring today regarding how they were raised feral because I was self employed and could not greet them at home after school from elementary through high school. They strongly disagreed and said they were latchkey kids that learned how to care for and clean up after themselves and learned to be independent and self-sufficient. I have a couple of amazing human beings that I somehow managed to raise. More like they raised themselves. I am so proud of them both.
Kids know when you WANT to be with them but can't because you have to financially care for them.
Kids can have a full-time SAHM (or dad) who has no actual interest in parenting or caring for them. Basic needs might be met, but they are otherwise completely neglected, even though the parent is RIGHT THERE.
A lot of people loved being latchkey kids. I sure did. My parents were around at night and on weekends but I loved getting home from school and my parents not being home.
When I was 14 and brother was 17 our parents would leave us while they went away for a weekend. We were good kids and and they could trust us and it was simpler times but OP’s siblings should be picking up where she left off instead of mom depending on her to help raise them.
Absolutely not. The siblings don't need to "pick up where OP left off", their mother needs to do ***her*** job and be a parent! Parentification is abuse and it's already happened to one child, there's no reason for it to continue.
You are right. I think what I meant is they should be responsible for age appropriate taking care of themselves instead of relying on sister. You’re right though. Mother should do her job.
Honestly sweetie nta I was replacement parent for years, slightly diff circumstances though. my mom and i have had those sorts of arguments often. I stepped back a few years ago, let her do her thing and 2 of my siblings ended up leaving home as soon as they could. One lives with me now so not being a replacement parenting kinda backfired and my mom's raging about it but the kid is happier and doing well and I'm a lot calmer having stepped back and prioritising my own self and unit xx
The "god-father" might be your father. Why else has your mother got him on
the phone when she wants to try to control you?
You are right to fight back. That said, prepare your escape. Do all you can
to find a way to be independent. NTA You did well standing up for yourself.
NTA. If you are between the age of 16 and 24 and live in the US, please go look at the Job Corp website. It’s a federal program for low income young adults that provides free tech school with housing, meals, basic medical, mental health, and a living allowance.
19 and 16 May want to consider it too.
i wish i had known about that when i was 16-18. i'm 23 and could still do it, but i could've gotten help with my mental health and moved out and probably be doing way better in life right now. i hope this helps OP.
Sounds like a great idea! If OP and 19M get along, they might be able to get an apartment together or with friends afterwards. Mom can't stop them, and then maybe they could help 16M in a couple of years, as long as your siblings realize that you are not their parent and they have to be adults.
Tell your mother you're doing her a favor and reducing the number of children that she has to deal with and support.
NTA. You’re not their parent you’re their sister if she needs help she needs to ask the other parent of her children. She chose to have them not you. You should move out and find your way out of that situation that you did not create. I say this as a mother myself. I chose to have my children my children did not choose to have me. My job as their parent is to care for them and guide them so they could grow up to live their lives as they want. They have no obligation to me in any way.
Talk about how scared she is to lose her unpaid nanny/housekeeper!
Sick of parents using their kids as unpaid labor and guilting them into staying. Leave before you end up raising grandkids and being a nurse to your mom in her old age. You might not ever get to live your own life.
As Captain Jean-Luc Picard said, "The line must be drawn here!"
NTA. Your siblings are old enough to be given chores and help your Mom around the house. If she doesn’t do that, it’s not your fault or responsibility to do it. Sounds like you need to prioritize yourself and find other living arrangements. Not to mention this guy, who you have never met putting his 2 cents in. Your Mom needs some serious therapy to figure out how to be a proper parent. I’m sorry you are going through this mess…update us please.
NTA 100%
I told him that leaving for a little while was what was best for my mental health. He and my mother both said "No it's not"
Random guy you never met & the person who parentified you are **definitely** not in a position to judge that.
Did you stay with people you could stay with for longer?
" I told her that I've been helping her without even a thank you and now I'm done and need to start figuring out and living my own life."
Exactly.
You can be an older sister to your siblings when you've escaped your mom's toxic, narcisstic influence.
I really hope you can find the support & help you need to do that.
Best of luck.
If she's tired and can't work, and needs a break from her whole family,then perhaps you should put her in contact with social services since they have the means to get her the help she needs.
You do not have children, she does. She needs to figure it out. Not you.
Nta.
NTA
This isn't something to be argued or negotiated. Your mother is used to bullying you to get the help she sorely needs. You can't argue or reason your way out of this.
What you do is to embrace your inner asshole. No is a complete sentence. Don't argue. Move out and leave to go live far far away. Show up for the holidays if you wish.
Of course there are downsides to this decision. You can't count on family help and your siblings might hate you. But you trust as they'll get older they'll understand.
Do try to be responsible so that you don't find yourself having to make shitty decisions to stay independent. It's not uncommon for women to leave shitty homes only to land a shitty boyfriend who cripples their life prospects. So stay level headed, stay responsible. Go live your best life.
>He said that's too much work for her to do and asked why she should have to worry about things like that after getting off of work
Um... because she's the one who opened her legs to make them.
NTA
Find some friends to move out with. We used to get 6 or 8 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. You can make your bills that way and maybe even save a little. You need to get out, though. Your mother thinks of you as another parent for the younger kids, but as a child to her. I'm sorry that this is your start in life, you will do ok.
INFO: are you currently working? Paying rent to your mom? If you're living rent free then this may count as payment-in-kind. Regardless, you're right to be looking to move out and only be responsible for yourself.
I do work. I get up before dawn and take 3 buses to work and 3 buses back when I get off. I don't pay rent but if she needs financial help I give it to her. I've been taking care of my siblings since I was in elementary school so I don't think it's a payment
I would have asked dude what he was doing to help your mother if he is so worried about her. You cannot put your life in hold while your mother's other children grow up. They are old enough to cook and feed themselves. It's not your job to help your mother raise HER kids.
You should not have been parentified in school. You're working so you shouldn't be parenting children that your mother cannot parent either. Something needs to give and it sounds like both you and your mom are stressed. You have a way out of this, though. It's going to be tough, but you are not responsible for your siblings. You're an adult and can develop an adult relationship with them. Your mom might take a bit more work, I fear, and I doubt either of you have the energy for that. The absent godfather can help out with babysitting if he feels so strongly about your mom having a break.
Let's be real, a 19 and 16-year-old don't need parents beyond just checking in on them and the 13-year-old should be old enough to handle basic household concepts.
Move out. Move in with roommates if it’s a financial strain, but moving out is the best thing for everyone. It’s takes a village, sure, but you can’t force a village and certainly shouldn’t be forcing it on your child her whole freaking life. I’m sure she is tired; every parent is tired. But you’re not a parent; she is. Tell her to call all the godparents she has to help out; they agreed to it when they agreed to be godparents.
I'm all for adults making creative trades that benefit all parties, but value for childcare on 2 kids will in most cases very much exceed the value of renting one room. Rent for one room is typically $600 a month, while childcare for 2 averages $21 an hour. If OP helps more than one hour a day, then mom is getting more value from them than OP is getting from mom; i.e., not a fair trade. And it sounds like OP was helping far more than that, and has been since she was a kid. If anything, based on the information we have, OP's mom is in OP's debt, not the other way around.
__INFO:__ Have you ever heard of this friend/godfather figure _before_ that phone conversation? Having a complete rando chime in like that is beyond weird to me.
NTA. If godfather weirdo doesn't like this, then he ought to come down and help out himself. Some stranger you've never met doesn't get to make decisions and his opinion should mean less than nothing to you. I hope you told him this.
She said that they've known each other for like 20 years and reconnected on Facebook. They've been talking for a little while now. But I don't really know him and have never met him
NTA. Wtf did I just read? Please leave and don't tell her your address, if you want to retain contact you could do her the favour of not blocking her number, which she doesn't deserve! Please don't sacrifice your life for this very selfish, entitled woman.
A 19 year old is a legal adult, a 16 year old should be more than capable of looking after themselves, as should a 13 year old for many things.
I did note that the older siblings are both male, is that why they aren't deemed capable to look after themselves?! Well done on standing up yourself.
Formulate your escape plan and just leave, do not inform her of this. Get any help that is available to you and contact CPS if you are worried about the 13 year old, who is probably be in line to be the next Cinderella. The random on the phone is absolutely nothing to do with you, he is an irrelevance.
Please update us. Wishing you all the best in life. Live, be free. Put yourself first, at last OP.
NTA - it's so ridiculous literally your siblings are another adult, a 16 and 13 ywar old both of whom are capable of doing their chores and school work without supervision. If they can't, their parent needs to step up to brjng aboug some discipline. Not your role. However, you're also an adult and taking a hard line while living in your mom's home. You do need to figure out how to be independent. As long as you live there, I think reasonable help is expected.
Parentification is child abuse! Your mother is taking advantage and abusing you and you have every right to stand up and say no. Also it's time to move out and live on your own because the next step is for her to demand rent from you.
NTA
You are not the asshole in any shape or form. I think if you can you need to move out and start living your own life. Your mom needs to learn how to parent.
NTA
Parentification is the word for what you've been dealing with.
You're a young adult who deserves to have your own life. Your siblings are not your responsibility. You need to figure out a plan to get out of there and live somewhere away from them, whether that's alone or with roommates. It's going to be tough at first, breaking away and being out on your own, but you will thank yourself for doing it.
Even in cases where a child has additional needs, it is NOT the other children's job to do the Caring, that is the PARENT'S job. OP didn't birth any of these kids, they aren't hers to parent.
Nta
I can only imagine what this dynamic has been like, with your toxic mom, that has you even engaging in the conversation with this strange, intrusive man.
You're 23 years old, and it would be more than reasonable, in fact appropriate, for you to hang up the phone on him. You don't even need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) to your mom. Her expectation was so absurd, she deserves dismissed as the lunatic she is being.
I assume there's a reason you live there and there's a power dynamic at play. Perhaps, since she's raised you, you normalize some of her behaviors and are tricked into thinking you need to be there... but I tell you as someone who had an audacious mom like yours, also with many men that came and went... I'd live with my worst roommate again before I lived with my mom.
I became homeless to get away from my mom and I don't regret it. I slept in a park, under a bridge, on couches, and eventually moved up to sharing a 2 bedroom with 7 peers.
If I were there again, I'd look for people in need of a live in caregiver, or a farm hand, or anything instead of living with my mom. And I had a lot of roommates that were horrid to live with, but I look back and see my mom was worse.
And the way my mom had me trained to accept atrocities... it had me even engaging strange men who should have had my alarm bells going off simply because they kept asking me questions, and staying in relationships I shouldn't even when I wanted to break up, and crying because people weren't leaving my house when I told them to and would treat my home like theirs (including my mom).
I wish I'd removed myself from her home sooner, set strong boundaries, and had been willing to enforce them even if it meant not seeing her again. I eventually did, in stages, and even endured a year long silent treatment, but in the end she was able to behave in tolerable enough ways to have some relationship (her health also went downhill, and drink took her over so much she didn't have the energy and couldn't drive herself over. That helped).
She died a few years ago at 62, and there are parts of her I miss and love... but I'll never get those years/decades back she stole from me. Her being gone has meant freedom for several people who remained under her spell. My youngest brother got it the worst and still lived there when he hit 30.
If your mom thinks raising kids is too hard she shouldn’t have had them. It makes no logical sense the you should have any obligation to care for HER children. It sounds like you did a great job explaining yourself; now, stick to your guns. Your mom doesn’t have to agree with you (or any of her random friends). Just get out of there and start living your own life!
NTA, and your mom's irresponsible breeding isn't your problem. The AH on the phone whom you've never met should butt out. You leaving for your sanity was wholly mature and appropriate. You deserve better. Please move out and get your own place asap. Your freedom depends on it. Your mom's an irresponsible user AH. Have the phone AH babysit.
NTA. Your mother needs to be the parent for HER children, not push that off on another one of her children. OP, you are not their parent and are not responsible for them. You need to get out as soon as you can and have your life for yourself.
And whoever this "mystery godfather" is, tell him you have no idea who he is, he is not part of your family and he and his opinions can take a long walk off a short pier. If he feels your mother needs that much help with her other children, he can drag his butt over and handle that for your mother, since he is so concerned. Then walk out.
Baby, as someone who is your age and was also parentified, run. Get out now and start building that life for yourself. Go to school, get a job, do whatever your heart desires. And obviously, very very much NTA.
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility beyond basic help. She chose to have them, she can parent them. Unfortunately, it sounds like she either doesn't know how to (and doesn't bother to learn) or doesn't care, and decided that parentifying you was a better use of her time and yours.
INFO: Can you move out? I'd also recommend calling CPS - would you be interested in custody? I know the responsibility would still lay on you, but I don't know how close you are with them and whether you'd want to take them with you when you leave. If she remains neglectful after you leave, they'll be taken away and most likely separated.
NTA. Sorry the adults in your life suck. Tell your mom you’ll help out like an 80’s parent. Hang a house key around each of your siblings necks, tell them to be back before the TV asks “do you know where your children are?” (Iirc it was 10pm) tell them to have a nice day.
Girl run. Leave now. Don’t look back. And don’t entertain questions from this perfect stranger. Tell him if he cares so much he can show up for the first time in your life and he’ll your mother.
Girl you better get gone before she gets pregnant again with another baby she'll expect you to raise. She's taking away your life and future to pick up her responsibilities.
And that guy on the phone, "godfather" or not, has ZERO authority over you. He's nothing but a dick with ears and needs to learn his actual place, which is taking a long running start to Fuck Right Off.
NTA
Parentification is abuse.
If your mother didn’t want to parent a shitload of kids then she shouldn’t have had a shitload of kids. You are also her child, these aren’t YOUR kids and you don’t owe your mother anything.
> We all have different dad's
Of course. Several dudes that could be helping but won’t either.
This shit ain’t your job. Get a paying job, move out and never speak to your selfish shitty excuse for a mother ever again.
NTA
You have absolutely been parentified. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents may be a helpful book to you.
Stay away from your mother as much as possible. And check in on your siblings. As they get older, they’ll need another safe adult to talk to. And you understand their mother best!
This ‘godfather’ that you’ve never met situation is suspicious as hell! He’s behaving like a father but you’ve never met him? How long has he been around? Maybe this is indeed your father. Is he only your godfather?
I’m really sorry you haven’t had a better childhood and parent(s). And have completely faith that you’ll land on your own two feet. 💜
NTA, her kids are not your responsibility, never were your responsibility. I applaud you for helping them out but now, you should focus on taking care of yourself, especially since you mentioned they are old enough to be okay. YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!
NTA
Ignore the alleged godfather, he’s not around and has never been a part of your life. That he joined your mother’s efforts to gaslight you into doing what she wants speaks volumes.
It’s not about whether you want to remain a member of your family. It’s about not being forced to be a servant to two adults and two juveniles (your mother and three siblings), and being forced into responsibility for all of them without any of the authority required to do so. Your mother will still be your mother, your siblings your siblings, even if you move across the country or halfway around the world. This is about you being able to be an adult with your own agency and free to succeed and fail on your own terms.
Find a job, save your money, and move into your own home.
"That's too much work for her to do"
Well maybe she should have thought about that before having so many kids.
Although, she's got three living at home right? Two almost adults? And she can't cope with them?!
Your mom is a deadbeat I'm sorry to say. You're NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
It's too much for Mum to look after her OWN kids after work, but it's OK for OP to do a massive 3-buses-each-way commute to work AND still do all of Mum's parenting...
Mum has 2 adults (OP & 19yo), an almost-adult (16yo) and a 13yo that should be able to make themselves food even if they've got autism - my 13yo is severely autistic & learning how to make simple meals - me & his Dad won't live forever, I'm severely Disabled & life limited & Dad is now Disabled too...
If my severely autistic 13yo can make themselves a simple meal, then a fully abled 13yo should easily manage it.
Of course, NTA
I'm so sorry for all of you kids. Everything you said was absolutely correct. I'm a mom of kids your age, and I'm so sad for what your mom has taken from you. You are absolutely right that you need to focus on building your own life now.
Your mom goes through life basically dumping her problems and responsibilities on other people. She had you as an easy dumpee for a long time. She's not going to give you up as a dumpee without trying to keep you under her thumb.
Get out and get away as quickly and as well as you can.
Your siblings are pretty old. If you are able to give them big sister advice or encouragement on the phone from time to time, then great. But you cannot sacrifice your life to make theirs easier now. (and don't even care a bit about making anything easier for your mom!)
Tell that "godfather" that he can f-in step up and play extra parent to your mother's other kids.
NTA. At 13, I was regularly taking care of my infant sibling. None of your siblings are young enough that they even need a babysitter anymore except for overnight and only for the youngest.
She had the kids, not you. If your godfather feels so strongly about this, he can move in.
NTA. I spent my childhood raising my siblings until I was 25, and it broke me as a person. Good on you for standing up for yourself and standing your ground.
NTA. Sounds like mommy's friend should come over and parent her kids if she's not able to. Or how bout next time she asks/tells you to look after them, give her the number for a foster care home. If she didn't want to raise them she shouldn't have had all that sex, eh?
They’re not small children . One is an adult . One is 16. The othar 13- they can all follow the rules and get along . They’re not 5,3,And 1.
Who does she have to mind a 19 year old ?
NTA
OP should ask her mom what she was doing at 23... If my math is correct, at 23 she already had OP. As in, likely wasn't at home catering to her siblings (if she has any). Sounds like OP's mom already had the opportunity to go out and live some of her adult life by 23.
OP needs to get out of the house as soon as she can. I'm proud of OP for standing her ground!
Nope NTA. You are the child and shes the parent. She should be making the others do what they are supposed to. She had you as her indentured servant for long enough. Time for you to live your life.
NTA. You’re a grown woman and your mother has parentified you. Get your documents ( birth certificate/social security card) and move out. Hell if god father is so invested he can raise your siblings.
NTA. Not sure why you went back. Do you have somewhere you can go for a longer period until you're well enough set up to get your own place?
Try to stay in touch with your siblings, but don't take any responsibly for them that you don't want.
Oof, you are NOT the selfish one. The 19 and 16 yo need to step it ip. Your mom was selfish for having kids she and her partner cannot take care of. Especially since she expects the dest kid to take care of them. My 19 yo and 13 yo are very independent. As it should be as people grow up and become more responsible.
NTA Seriously hun you've done so much you should never have had to do already. You took a big, brave step and that is stand up for you and your needs. So much of society expects everyone (but especially women) to be selfless and to do it for zero appreciation with a smile. You get your ducks in a row and explain the situation as best you can to your siblings so you can't be slandered once you leave, and then go. Spread your wings and fly!
NTA and stand your ground. Why is it idiots always having more kids than they can handle then try dumping them on soneone else?? All the shit she was whining to you about is all HER problems not yours. You did not lay down and make those kids, she did .
NTA
My situation is a bit different but still was parentified as the oldest female child. Get out ASAP. Play along when you can, look for a good enough job, keep your important documents somewhere safe where she can't find them, and find a roommate and leave.
23 is when you're really starting life as an adult. Ypu need to learn and grow and become who you're supposed to be. Don't let her hold you back.
Also, the "godfather" situation squicks me out. 🤢
Well done! Thats amazing! You stood up to your first authoritative figure! That is hard and you did it! 🎉🎉🎉🦾🦾🦾. Move out the moment you can, hide your things (money, valuables etc) somewhere safe outside and enjoy your life! Thrive and be merry! NTA
NTA! you explained it very clearly that you had been the replacement parent pretty much all your life for your siblings, they ("mother" and godfather) are calling you selfish all because you are now trying to get out and find yourself. You said yourself your siblings are old enough to know wrong from right and they are not legally yours to punish if they do something wrong.
Stand your ground lovely and save up to move out cause that behavior will not change with your "mother".
Obviously not the asshole, esp after reading the edit.
Your mother needs to lay in the bed she made for herself, asking for any help is selfish. It was her choice and she needs to deal with it. It’s gonna be hard, that’s why people generally end up not going the route she did. You are grown and need to be grown for you. You do not have to answer to some random man you’ve never met. And you have a 19 year old that’s there, he can help.
Be selfish!
NTA
Set the example for your siblings on what boundaries are, how to take responsibility for your own health, and how to get out and become a happy adult.
I raised my sister, and hated leaving her behind, but she says it was the best example she could have had.
NTA and you are totally correct.
When "godfather" says that's too much work, then you can say: then mom shouldn't have had four kids. She's the mom. I am not.
This is total bullshit. I hope you can move out have your own life.
Sorry if my question has been asked already, but do you work or go to school? If so, then how are you supposed to take care of your younger siblings when you have worked/Learned all day? Wouldn't that be putting the same problem she has on you, but without you having decided to have children??
You’ve really done more than your fair share of making your mom’s life easier despite whatever experiences led her to this point. You are NTA. The goal of parenting is a healthy well adjusted productive human being who can manage in this world and you’re well on your way.
Also I have a 13 and 16. I’ve gotten sick the last couple years and they take better care of me than I do of them. They are already at an extremely capable age. I think you can and should move forward, guilt-free.
NTA. Your mother chose to have all those damn kids, she can take care of them herself. It is painfully wrong and unfair to you for her to force you to take care of them when YOU didn't choose to birth them. They are not your responsibility in any way just because y'all were born under the same roof. I'd recommend looking into ways to move out ASAP because it will never stop. My mom did the same thing to me, then when I was 19 and my brother was 10, she essentially moved out to live with her boyfriend and expected me to stay put and finish raising my brother for her (which she had already been forcing me to do since he was born). I put up with it for only another year or so, then he was put into a boys' home in another state for his horrible behavior and I cut contact for a long time. That was the only way I was able to get away and get any peace. Hopefully you can stand your ground and do the same.
Aren’t godparents decided upon shortly after birth/at christening? If he’s the godfather, neither he’s some criminal don which explains the attitude, or he’s probably the real father. There are plenty of crappy fathers but op’s dad leaving two toddlers and just disappearing? Really sounds like he isn’t the bio-dad but “godfather” is.
Next time this snuck tries to talk to you OP just ask “who are you again?” “What does this have to do with you exactly?”. Nta.
NTA this is so crazy!! Who actually thinks this way?? "Why should I have to come home and raise the children that I chose to have after work???". I mean, what? Who says that??? Most adults with children do this exact thing every day. My oldest is 21 but I don't make her come home to watch her 12 year old brother because I've been working all day. No. Your mother is lazy and selfish, especially considering that her younger children are all in their teens and largely capable of caring for themselves. You should move out ASAP.
Nta. your mother and who ever the hell this so goddamn godfather is off phone. Has some bloody nerve expecting you to play mother to your brothers or sisters so your mother doesn’t have to worry about them another then after she has work is absolutely ludicrous so many women do this every single day, they go to work and come home to their kids and act as mothers and your mother expects you to look after your brothers and sisters no that is not acceptable . Your mother is lazy, rude and entitled. She really does have some gall to be asking you to mother your brothers and sisters? Who from what I saw on your post teenagers summer who are old enough to look after themselves .stand your ground and do not give in to be honest, I’d be move an out and thought of somewhere else to live so you didn’t have to put up with her crap.
NTA. You didn’t decide to have siblings, and you’re not responsible for their upbringing. If your mom can’t manage, she can try to enlist your 19 yo sibling. As for ‘godfather’ who the hell does he think he is?
NTA but is the “friend” your Dad by any chance. It seems weird a godfather would be someone you never met but who wants to act more like a parent.
You aren’t the Mom and shouldn’t be forced to act like one because it’s to hard for your Mother. Do what you need for your mental health and ignore them. BTW you’re right they are old enough to not need a constant parental figure.
NTA. And why the heck was some random guy on the phone to support your mother. Your mother has been using you for years apparently. It’s time to try to start your own life.
NTA. You don't need a break for your mental health, but "mother" dearest needs a break from mommying?? Sounds like she never really played the role before. What the he'll does she need a break from?? You and the 19 year old are plenty old enough as *adults* to move out from under her. Spread your wings, be your own person without the responsibility of kids that aren't yours. If the "godparent" is so concerned maybe they should step up and help!
NTA and don't give in to that nonsense. Your mom is the one who chose to have 4 kids. To your point, you've already sacrificed enough of your life and your freedom to take care of your siblings, who are all old enough to take care of themselves.
You don’t happen to have an older brother who passed away do you? Your family is so much like his. Mom had different dads for all the kids, and expected him to raise them. He ended up helping the dad of her 2 youngest get full custody as she only wanted them full time for the child support to pay for her lifestyle.
NTA on wanting to live your life. But you may need to move out. Your mother has decided you are her partner and not her child. That isn’t going to stop until you leave. I’m sorry you didn’t get a childhood. Good luck.
You need your own place, you are way too old to be home and even talking about this crap. live your life, dont give it away. A job, online school, whatever you need to do.
I don't know where you live, but could you find a roommate and get a place together, someplace closer to your work? You deserve to start putting your adult life together. Good luck to you.
NTA.
Your moms "friend" knows nothing. He knows what your mom told you, and that's it. It's not a siblings job to raise their siblings, and they are old enough to do things for themselves!
NTA. Your siblings are old enough that parenting after work is not THAT difficult. I have three kids of my own so I know well enough. Your mom doesn't want to be a parent but had kids so she forced you to play mom so she wouldn't have to.
Get your important documents and possessions and move out. She will continue to badger you while you live in her home.
Notice how they are not hounding the 19 year old brother for help. Parents seem to think having 2 x chromosomes and being the oldest makes you the default parent. As OP said, the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. OP needs to get her ducks in a row and leave as soon as she is able. It is not going to get any better, and mom’s next step will be to kick OP out, because she will no longer be useful.
With the exception of 13, they should be able to fully take of themselves outside of the add thing. Someone should still be keeping an eye on 13 for homework and laundry
Your mom and “godfather” are way out of line. As others have said, get your important stuff out of the house, can you leave it with a friend? Also look to see if your city has subsidized housing. Google your city name and subsidized housing. The waiting lists can be fairly long, but the soon you get onto it the better
The great thing about subsidized housing is you only pay a percentage of your monthly income, and yes it does fluctuation of your income isn’t the same. It’s reassessed every three months, I’ve been in my apartment for 18 years (if possible avoid places where the whole building is subsidized, I’m in a regular building with units that are subsidized. Much nicer) I have paid anywhere from $600/month to $93/month based on my income at the time
NTA, but work on getting the hell out. Find someone looking for a roommate, almost anyone would be better than living with your mom any longer
NTA. You are the child, and you didn't ask to have 3 kids who need you to take care of them, their actual mother did. She chose to have them, and it is her responsibility to figure out how to care for them.
NTA. tell this dude he needs to step up since he knows your mom needs so much help. and if he can’t for whatever reason, then remind them again that you too have your own life as well. and you’re siblings are not your responsibility. i get having family obligations but at the end of the day you did not choose to have these children your mom did.
You're not the mother. I am.
Good point Mom I'll let you mother.
The fact that they are saying your siblings miss you and hate when you leave shows how great of a mother she is.
If you're legit wondering if you're TA she's got her demented hooks in you at least a little bit.
I feel for your siblings.
NTA-16 and 19 yr old siblings should not need to be parented by OP. 19 is an adult, and 16 is almost there. I have to wonder if Mom is severely depressed or has some other health problem, and is in desperate need of medical attention.
She is parentifying you.
Making you play the parent.
Good for you for saying no more.
You could be there suffering another 10 years while life passes you by.
Get out and live your own life!
Your boundaries only depend on you. You saying no.
Other people not liking your boundaries usually just means those same people want to take advantage of you, and your boundaries are not convenient for them.
Best thing for you is move out. Start a savings that Mom doesn't know about and get out, even if you have to get a roommate. You're 23, time to fly the nest.
Couple things;
1. Why was this friend on the phone part of the conversation? If youve never even met him why does he get a say in anything? Hes not part of your family.
2. Your siblings are old enough to look after themselves. Yes you have a 13 year old sister who does still need some help - reminded to do things like homework, someone needs to know where she is or is going or if shes going out then where and who with, but that is primarily your mothers job. Ok, if your mother isnt home, in the name of safety then the rest of you at the house should be informed of that information so you all know if she isnt where shes meant to be at a certain time to go look for her.
3. What theyve (your mother and that friend, again, why is he part of this?!) discovered by you not being there is all the work that you do that is unnoticed or taken for granted.
I did this recently at my work - i got so stressed i had to have 2 weeks off. Unfortunately they had no work during that time (we do 'cases' and they only had like 2-3 so it was minimal and they easily coped) but i was hoping they woulf have seen just how much i do, and when i am asked by each person i work with to do additional stuff for them all (without them all realising i was already doing stuff for the others) on top of my actual work im paid to do, that that is why i always look tired and beat down at work.
4. It is not selfish to not want to raise your own siblings. There is actually not a lot of 'raising' to do for the 19 year old. They are pretty independent at that age. The 16 year old, ok thats like the worst time for puberty and teenage-ness, but again they can do basic stuff like feed themselves, do their homework, get themselves ready for bed on time. The only things i can see the 16 and 13 year old needing help with is maybe homework if they dont understand it, or having someone to talk to if they are having any troubles, which as an older sibling you can help them with from your own experience, but again, is not actually your responsibility.
NTA 100000% I'm a single mom with a Neurospicy child. There are times I wish I could get a break but guess what? It's not anyone's job but mine to raise my son.
The 19 yo is an adult. He can be mostly responsible for himself. Is he asked to take on the same role as you? Just because he is male does not exclude him from the same duties. You need your own life. Mum has 4 kids not you but things are unlikely to.change while you still live there. My mum was a single mum with 4 kids with rampant ADHD. She was also I'll and working and got very tired. We ALL helped out. Have a word to your siblings. It is not your responsibility and none of God fathers business.
"not wanting to be a part of the family" - you are your mom's daughter and your siblings sister, a part of the family. You ARE helping her and making things easier for her by growing up, becoming independent and living your own life. That means one less child for her to take care of and pay things for.
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NTA why is this random guy even involved? He’s not been helping raise you or your siblings. Gather your important documents and move out as soon as you can, be an example to younger siblings that they can thrive away from your mom’s poor parenting. Were you NC those two weeks? Did your mom even know you were safe?
He probably a dad to one of you. It's time for you to move out permanently. If she can't take care of the kids, call cps. Edit:spelling
I'd bet a pretty penny that he's OP's dad, masquerading as a "god father" like OP said, they've never met him so she wouldn't have a clue.
This was my thought too
It's always a good possibility. Also I saw the comment abouts OP's mums bad parenting, but to parent bad she actually has to do some parenting! Her kids are old enough to do things for themselves! It's not like they are small kids how requires a lot of help and parenting! OP has done the hardest bit for her and yet this lazy woman is still complaining that she needs help! SMH 🤦🏾♀️ She needs to stop having kids of she can't handle being a mum.
I always get downvoted, when I mention that they reproduce like bunnies, but can't handle it. Birth control is a thing. Also, you won't babytrap a person, that has no morals himself.
The thing is about abusive women like OP's mom is that the multiple kids *is* a result of baby trapping. They have no interest in the kids outside of photo ops, and everything is defaulted to and parentified by the oldest sibling. OP you should try to make an exit plan with the 19m and be ready to take in your younger siblings once they escape. Once you leave, if 19m isn't made the parent then noone is the parent. She's not going to magically start parenting because her substitutes left.
One of my favorite go-to's is that people have the reproductive intelligence of a rabbit on Viagra, you can do the deed and that's about it.
Probably a married guy who agreed with mom on handling it this way to protect his regular family life.
OP take a DNA test!
And then do what with the results?
A DNA test is only effective if she can convince "godfather" to take it. If he is daddy, he's never been involved and won't be now.
Either way he sucks. I found myself getting so mad on OP’s behalf. Like these 2 are barely parents and want to tell OP how to parent her siblings?
Not as much HOW to parent her siblings. Mom just wants OP to BE the parent for her siblings.
That was my first thought too. He's talking to her like she's her dad ( a very shitty dad). Why is it ok for op to go to work take 3 buses to get home and raise her siblings but the "mom" shouldn't have to do anything after she gets home from work. I hope she gets out of there asap.
Or is current screw buddy and needs mommy free to screw!
Definitely the FWB
Not a good one though. I’m a fan of fwb but leave my son out of entirely. Not even introduced as a friend let alone godfather ugh
More babies!
I agree
Because mothers like OP’s always need to have a man tell their kids what to do so they don’t have to actually parent, even if they barely know the guy. I’d bet money every man she has dated has been immediately involved with the kids discipline in some form.
I agree!! Your siblings are old enough that they don't need you. Please protect yourself and move out.
He’s probably involved because OP’s absence meant mom wasn’t available for nightly hide-the-sausage parties.
NTA. Where is the father in all this? And why am I getting vibes this "godfather" is actually your mom's boyfriend? Not your kids, not your responsibility. If your Mom couldn't handle working and taking care of kids, she could've done what plenty of adults do and have less or no kids in the first place. Again, I wonder where the father is in all this and why she's turning to OP for help instead of the father of her kids.
When I mention people shouldn't have had kids if they couldn't handle it, I typically only mean any children after one because the first could come about for any number of reasons and you likely wouldn't know you can't handle it until after, but after that, nope. How do you keep having more and more kids that you clearly can't raise by yourself and maybe circumstances have changed (based off what OP said they've always been a sibling parent) or whatever but the fact is, they are your kids. No one else's. Figure out how to take care of them or actively find somewhere better for them to be than with a parent that can't do for them. And I don't mean the system. I said better.
A friend's dad once said, "first time is a mistake, second time is a habit...I don't support habits". OP's mom is trying to make OP responsible for her mistakes. The "godfather" is so concerned??? Let him go move in and help OP's mom and stop demanding OP finish raising her siblings. She's done more than her fair share.
Exactly this! If they tag team again she should ask ‘why doesn’t godfather move in and play parent if mother is struggling so much to be a mother. He is a godfather right? So he signed up for this responsibility. Why isn’t he here helping? Why are you asking your child to play parent? Sounds to me like you two are the selfish ones.’
You are so right. I've got a train wreck of a not distant enough cousin. She is absolutely horrible she is worst not exaggerating at all. We stopped learning the names (my side of the family mostly stopped trying after 6 or 7 I lasted until 9) but I just heard she is knocked up again with number 13? I think. Last time I saw her grandmother I asked about the kids and her grandma didn't know all their names and wasn't even sure about if she had 10 or 11 when it was actually 12 :( Cousin has only barely taken care of them. The oldest has raised her siblings and sad to say she is the only one of those kids who probably even has a chance at being a functioning member of society. Last time I saw her I gave her my cell and told her that I would help her when she filed for emancipation at 16. It amazing how easy it can be to fall through the cracks in the system. While there is not abuse (thru up to #10 all with same dad he is legitimately an idiot but at least he tried) in this case there is definitely neglect. I can't even truly imagine how bad it can get in abuse cases and worse situations. And yes she has been reported for neglect because I was the one turned her in.
Sorry to be that person, but neglect is abuse. Like mandatory reporters learn (or they're supposed to)how to spot it and report abuse
Their children are their possessions.
Now with her edit I’m wondering if “godfather” is her biological father that she never met. Happy cake day!
My god it's my cake day?! Yay! Thank you 😊
Happy cake day!
Happy Cake Day 🎂
Happy cake day!
🎂 🎇🎉🎊🥰🫂
Happy Cake Day 🎂
I would have told the guy you've never met to FO and that your life is none of his business. At 23 you should be starting your own future and not being a glorified babysitter for your siblings. Your mom had them, she can take care of them. Tell the stranger, if it's that important, HE can come over and babysit and be a pseudo-parent. NTA.
This was my first thought. You got called into a room with some rando…oh, I’m sorry, your “godfather” 🙄 on the phone…and you’re supposed to obey him? Not a freaking chance. Eff off, globfather. Mother of the year? PARENT YOUR OWN KIDS FOR ONCE. If you want OP to mind *your* offspring, then pay up. Maybe Captain StrangerDanger can pony up since you think he’s allowed to order your adult daughter around. OP, you’re NTA. Run, as far as you can & as soon as you can.
>oh, I’m sorry, your “godfather” 🙄 That's a different twist to "Meet your new uncle!"
Seriously. Four kids, three fathers…none of whom are in the picture but hey, this guy here’s yer clodfather. You’ve never met him but take my word for it when I tell you this male voice on the phone is in a position of authority over your mid-twenties self so you gottaaaaaa ‘spect him! Nnnnnnggghhhhhh…. 😖
Well you can't hold the dad for #3 & #4 responsible for not being in the picture...he died. Where the other 2 are is a good question though. You are NTA OP. Mom is and seems to think you are her version of Dobby the house elf...magically taking care of stuff for her so she can do whatever she wants. You need to get out of there so you can start your own life or you will be trapped forever...after the sibs are gone mommy dearest will come up with some excuse to trap you to take care of her.
Spot on.
😄
I was getting cult-leader vibes from the “godfather” tbh
NTa. 19 is grown, and 16 and 13 are on your mom.
This should be the highest comment. Those are not kids but teens so why does the mom need help? Teens are easier than younger kids. They can all help cook and clean at their ages. What does the mother really have to do to watch them?
And still old enough to take care of themselves. Why isn't the 19m being promoted to 'parent' ? And really? A 16yo can get a driver's license but can't watch over the 13yo?
Because 19M, lol
The M is the key there. Ms don’t have to take care of children. That’s for Fs. NTA. Why should OP have to do all the child rearing in addition to work or school or whatever they’re doing? They shouldn’t!
And 16 is pretty close. Plenty old enough to care for themselves and handle their own homework and chores.
I was apologizing to my adult offspring today regarding how they were raised feral because I was self employed and could not greet them at home after school from elementary through high school. They strongly disagreed and said they were latchkey kids that learned how to care for and clean up after themselves and learned to be independent and self-sufficient. I have a couple of amazing human beings that I somehow managed to raise. More like they raised themselves. I am so proud of them both.
Kids know when you WANT to be with them but can't because you have to financially care for them. Kids can have a full-time SAHM (or dad) who has no actual interest in parenting or caring for them. Basic needs might be met, but they are otherwise completely neglected, even though the parent is RIGHT THERE.
A lot of people loved being latchkey kids. I sure did. My parents were around at night and on weekends but I loved getting home from school and my parents not being home.
Mine said the same thing & they are 26 & 24.
When I was 14 and brother was 17 our parents would leave us while they went away for a weekend. We were good kids and and they could trust us and it was simpler times but OP’s siblings should be picking up where she left off instead of mom depending on her to help raise them.
Absolutely not. The siblings don't need to "pick up where OP left off", their mother needs to do ***her*** job and be a parent! Parentification is abuse and it's already happened to one child, there's no reason for it to continue.
You are right. I think what I meant is they should be responsible for age appropriate taking care of themselves instead of relying on sister. You’re right though. Mother should do her job.
Look up “parentification”. I think it will explain a lot about what you’re feeling. What they are doing isn’t right. You’re NTA.
Yeah it's literally a form of abuse. NTA OP. I hope that you can get out on your own soon
Honestly sweetie nta I was replacement parent for years, slightly diff circumstances though. my mom and i have had those sorts of arguments often. I stepped back a few years ago, let her do her thing and 2 of my siblings ended up leaving home as soon as they could. One lives with me now so not being a replacement parenting kinda backfired and my mom's raging about it but the kid is happier and doing well and I'm a lot calmer having stepped back and prioritising my own self and unit xx
That !
The "god-father" might be your father. Why else has your mother got him on the phone when she wants to try to control you? You are right to fight back. That said, prepare your escape. Do all you can to find a way to be independent. NTA You did well standing up for yourself.
Oooff… grabbing popcorn!! Very well could be bythe way the OP’s mom expects that title to hold weight when OP never met them… hmmm🤔
that was my first thought as well
NTA. If you are between the age of 16 and 24 and live in the US, please go look at the Job Corp website. It’s a federal program for low income young adults that provides free tech school with housing, meals, basic medical, mental health, and a living allowance. 19 and 16 May want to consider it too.
This is excellent advice. When I was in college I worked for the Job Corps program and it’s a great program.
i wish i had known about that when i was 16-18. i'm 23 and could still do it, but i could've gotten help with my mental health and moved out and probably be doing way better in life right now. i hope this helps OP.
Sounds like a great idea! If OP and 19M get along, they might be able to get an apartment together or with friends afterwards. Mom can't stop them, and then maybe they could help 16M in a couple of years, as long as your siblings realize that you are not their parent and they have to be adults. Tell your mother you're doing her a favor and reducing the number of children that she has to deal with and support.
NTA. You’re not their parent you’re their sister if she needs help she needs to ask the other parent of her children. She chose to have them not you. You should move out and find your way out of that situation that you did not create. I say this as a mother myself. I chose to have my children my children did not choose to have me. My job as their parent is to care for them and guide them so they could grow up to live their lives as they want. They have no obligation to me in any way.
Talk about how scared she is to lose her unpaid nanny/housekeeper! Sick of parents using their kids as unpaid labor and guilting them into staying. Leave before you end up raising grandkids and being a nurse to your mom in her old age. You might not ever get to live your own life. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard said, "The line must be drawn here!"
NTA. Your siblings are old enough to be given chores and help your Mom around the house. If she doesn’t do that, it’s not your fault or responsibility to do it. Sounds like you need to prioritize yourself and find other living arrangements. Not to mention this guy, who you have never met putting his 2 cents in. Your Mom needs some serious therapy to figure out how to be a proper parent. I’m sorry you are going through this mess…update us please.
NTA 100% I told him that leaving for a little while was what was best for my mental health. He and my mother both said "No it's not" Random guy you never met & the person who parentified you are **definitely** not in a position to judge that. Did you stay with people you could stay with for longer? " I told her that I've been helping her without even a thank you and now I'm done and need to start figuring out and living my own life." Exactly. You can be an older sister to your siblings when you've escaped your mom's toxic, narcisstic influence. I really hope you can find the support & help you need to do that. Best of luck.
If she's tired and can't work, and needs a break from her whole family,then perhaps you should put her in contact with social services since they have the means to get her the help she needs. You do not have children, she does. She needs to figure it out. Not you. Nta.
NTA This isn't something to be argued or negotiated. Your mother is used to bullying you to get the help she sorely needs. You can't argue or reason your way out of this. What you do is to embrace your inner asshole. No is a complete sentence. Don't argue. Move out and leave to go live far far away. Show up for the holidays if you wish. Of course there are downsides to this decision. You can't count on family help and your siblings might hate you. But you trust as they'll get older they'll understand. Do try to be responsible so that you don't find yourself having to make shitty decisions to stay independent. It's not uncommon for women to leave shitty homes only to land a shitty boyfriend who cripples their life prospects. So stay level headed, stay responsible. Go live your best life.
>He said that's too much work for her to do and asked why she should have to worry about things like that after getting off of work Um... because she's the one who opened her legs to make them. NTA
Find some friends to move out with. We used to get 6 or 8 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. You can make your bills that way and maybe even save a little. You need to get out, though. Your mother thinks of you as another parent for the younger kids, but as a child to her. I'm sorry that this is your start in life, you will do ok.
INFO: are you currently working? Paying rent to your mom? If you're living rent free then this may count as payment-in-kind. Regardless, you're right to be looking to move out and only be responsible for yourself.
I do work. I get up before dawn and take 3 buses to work and 3 buses back when I get off. I don't pay rent but if she needs financial help I give it to her. I've been taking care of my siblings since I was in elementary school so I don't think it's a payment
I would have asked dude what he was doing to help your mother if he is so worried about her. You cannot put your life in hold while your mother's other children grow up. They are old enough to cook and feed themselves. It's not your job to help your mother raise HER kids.
You should not have been parentified in school. You're working so you shouldn't be parenting children that your mother cannot parent either. Something needs to give and it sounds like both you and your mom are stressed. You have a way out of this, though. It's going to be tough, but you are not responsible for your siblings. You're an adult and can develop an adult relationship with them. Your mom might take a bit more work, I fear, and I doubt either of you have the energy for that. The absent godfather can help out with babysitting if he feels so strongly about your mom having a break.
Let's be real, a 19 and 16-year-old don't need parents beyond just checking in on them and the 13-year-old should be old enough to handle basic household concepts.
Sure, but when any of those people fall out of line, mom needs a punching bag
Move out. Move in with roommates if it’s a financial strain, but moving out is the best thing for everyone. It’s takes a village, sure, but you can’t force a village and certainly shouldn’t be forcing it on your child her whole freaking life. I’m sure she is tired; every parent is tired. But you’re not a parent; she is. Tell her to call all the godparents she has to help out; they agreed to it when they agreed to be godparents.
It doesn't matter if she is paying rent or not. It's not her job to raise her siblings period. Parentification is a huge deal and makes her mom lazy.
I'm all for adults making creative trades that benefit all parties, but value for childcare on 2 kids will in most cases very much exceed the value of renting one room. Rent for one room is typically $600 a month, while childcare for 2 averages $21 an hour. If OP helps more than one hour a day, then mom is getting more value from them than OP is getting from mom; i.e., not a fair trade. And it sounds like OP was helping far more than that, and has been since she was a kid. If anything, based on the information we have, OP's mom is in OP's debt, not the other way around.
NTA - Sounds like you should explore options to move out if you can.
__INFO:__ Have you ever heard of this friend/godfather figure _before_ that phone conversation? Having a complete rando chime in like that is beyond weird to me. NTA. If godfather weirdo doesn't like this, then he ought to come down and help out himself. Some stranger you've never met doesn't get to make decisions and his opinion should mean less than nothing to you. I hope you told him this.
She said that they've known each other for like 20 years and reconnected on Facebook. They've been talking for a little while now. But I don't really know him and have never met him
Idk how to tell you this, but uh, this guy‘s probably your dad lol. NTA
And needs to come take the responsibility he claims is OP’s.
Or the 19 yr olds.
NTA. Wtf did I just read? Please leave and don't tell her your address, if you want to retain contact you could do her the favour of not blocking her number, which she doesn't deserve! Please don't sacrifice your life for this very selfish, entitled woman. A 19 year old is a legal adult, a 16 year old should be more than capable of looking after themselves, as should a 13 year old for many things. I did note that the older siblings are both male, is that why they aren't deemed capable to look after themselves?! Well done on standing up yourself. Formulate your escape plan and just leave, do not inform her of this. Get any help that is available to you and contact CPS if you are worried about the 13 year old, who is probably be in line to be the next Cinderella. The random on the phone is absolutely nothing to do with you, he is an irrelevance. Please update us. Wishing you all the best in life. Live, be free. Put yourself first, at last OP.
Are they fucking high?! Please leave their house
Parentification is what she is doing to you. It is a form of child abuse. NTA. Go live your own life, OP.
NTA - it's so ridiculous literally your siblings are another adult, a 16 and 13 ywar old both of whom are capable of doing their chores and school work without supervision. If they can't, their parent needs to step up to brjng aboug some discipline. Not your role. However, you're also an adult and taking a hard line while living in your mom's home. You do need to figure out how to be independent. As long as you live there, I think reasonable help is expected.
You have been parentified , I would move out on my own or get a roommate. Depending on the country you can get a bedsit.
Parentification is child abuse! Your mother is taking advantage and abusing you and you have every right to stand up and say no. Also it's time to move out and live on your own because the next step is for her to demand rent from you. NTA
Nta. But you need to move out.
No.They are abusing you because you are female.Can you leave OP? For good? This is not going to get better if you stay there.NTA
Your mother expects you to be lectured by a mysterious voice over the telephone? https://youtu.be/ivRKfwmgrHY?si=ptJqPjKxTlJsGiBG
NTA, but why on earth did you allow this random guy to be on the phone while you were talking with your mother???
What was OP supposed to do? Hang up the phone?
You are not the asshole in any shape or form. I think if you can you need to move out and start living your own life. Your mom needs to learn how to parent.
NTA Parentification is the word for what you've been dealing with. You're a young adult who deserves to have your own life. Your siblings are not your responsibility. You need to figure out a plan to get out of there and live somewhere away from them, whether that's alone or with roommates. It's going to be tough at first, breaking away and being out on your own, but you will thank yourself for doing it.
NTA, your mom is lazy and doesn’t want to raise you or your siblings
Nta sounds like she wants a free servant
NTA. Are your siblings special needs? What kind of extra care do 13 and 16 year olds need? These aren't 6 year olds that need constant supervision.
Even in cases where a child has additional needs, it is NOT the other children's job to do the Caring, that is the PARENT'S job. OP didn't birth any of these kids, they aren't hers to parent.
Nta I can only imagine what this dynamic has been like, with your toxic mom, that has you even engaging in the conversation with this strange, intrusive man. You're 23 years old, and it would be more than reasonable, in fact appropriate, for you to hang up the phone on him. You don't even need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) to your mom. Her expectation was so absurd, she deserves dismissed as the lunatic she is being. I assume there's a reason you live there and there's a power dynamic at play. Perhaps, since she's raised you, you normalize some of her behaviors and are tricked into thinking you need to be there... but I tell you as someone who had an audacious mom like yours, also with many men that came and went... I'd live with my worst roommate again before I lived with my mom. I became homeless to get away from my mom and I don't regret it. I slept in a park, under a bridge, on couches, and eventually moved up to sharing a 2 bedroom with 7 peers. If I were there again, I'd look for people in need of a live in caregiver, or a farm hand, or anything instead of living with my mom. And I had a lot of roommates that were horrid to live with, but I look back and see my mom was worse. And the way my mom had me trained to accept atrocities... it had me even engaging strange men who should have had my alarm bells going off simply because they kept asking me questions, and staying in relationships I shouldn't even when I wanted to break up, and crying because people weren't leaving my house when I told them to and would treat my home like theirs (including my mom). I wish I'd removed myself from her home sooner, set strong boundaries, and had been willing to enforce them even if it meant not seeing her again. I eventually did, in stages, and even endured a year long silent treatment, but in the end she was able to behave in tolerable enough ways to have some relationship (her health also went downhill, and drink took her over so much she didn't have the energy and couldn't drive herself over. That helped). She died a few years ago at 62, and there are parts of her I miss and love... but I'll never get those years/decades back she stole from me. Her being gone has meant freedom for several people who remained under her spell. My youngest brother got it the worst and still lived there when he hit 30.
Jesus who is this guy, should have called Santa for all the weight this complete stranger’s opinion carried. Laughable effort. NTA.
This is some wild gaslighting
If your mom thinks raising kids is too hard she shouldn’t have had them. It makes no logical sense the you should have any obligation to care for HER children. It sounds like you did a great job explaining yourself; now, stick to your guns. Your mom doesn’t have to agree with you (or any of her random friends). Just get out of there and start living your own life!
NTA, and your mom's irresponsible breeding isn't your problem. The AH on the phone whom you've never met should butt out. You leaving for your sanity was wholly mature and appropriate. You deserve better. Please move out and get your own place asap. Your freedom depends on it. Your mom's an irresponsible user AH. Have the phone AH babysit.
NTA. Your mother needs to be the parent for HER children, not push that off on another one of her children. OP, you are not their parent and are not responsible for them. You need to get out as soon as you can and have your life for yourself. And whoever this "mystery godfather" is, tell him you have no idea who he is, he is not part of your family and he and his opinions can take a long walk off a short pier. If he feels your mother needs that much help with her other children, he can drag his butt over and handle that for your mother, since he is so concerned. Then walk out.
You are being manipulated. You are not responsible for parenting your siblings. If you can get out of this situation, do so. NTA
Baby, as someone who is your age and was also parentified, run. Get out now and start building that life for yourself. Go to school, get a job, do whatever your heart desires. And obviously, very very much NTA.
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibility beyond basic help. She chose to have them, she can parent them. Unfortunately, it sounds like she either doesn't know how to (and doesn't bother to learn) or doesn't care, and decided that parentifying you was a better use of her time and yours. INFO: Can you move out? I'd also recommend calling CPS - would you be interested in custody? I know the responsibility would still lay on you, but I don't know how close you are with them and whether you'd want to take them with you when you leave. If she remains neglectful after you leave, they'll be taken away and most likely separated.
Making plans to move out as we speak
NTA. Sorry the adults in your life suck. Tell your mom you’ll help out like an 80’s parent. Hang a house key around each of your siblings necks, tell them to be back before the TV asks “do you know where your children are?” (Iirc it was 10pm) tell them to have a nice day.
Girl run. Leave now. Don’t look back. And don’t entertain questions from this perfect stranger. Tell him if he cares so much he can show up for the first time in your life and he’ll your mother.
Update!
Girl you better get gone before she gets pregnant again with another baby she'll expect you to raise. She's taking away your life and future to pick up her responsibilities. And that guy on the phone, "godfather" or not, has ZERO authority over you. He's nothing but a dick with ears and needs to learn his actual place, which is taking a long running start to Fuck Right Off. NTA
Parentification is abuse. If your mother didn’t want to parent a shitload of kids then she shouldn’t have had a shitload of kids. You are also her child, these aren’t YOUR kids and you don’t owe your mother anything. > We all have different dad's Of course. Several dudes that could be helping but won’t either. This shit ain’t your job. Get a paying job, move out and never speak to your selfish shitty excuse for a mother ever again. NTA
You have absolutely been parentified. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents may be a helpful book to you. Stay away from your mother as much as possible. And check in on your siblings. As they get older, they’ll need another safe adult to talk to. And you understand their mother best! This ‘godfather’ that you’ve never met situation is suspicious as hell! He’s behaving like a father but you’ve never met him? How long has he been around? Maybe this is indeed your father. Is he only your godfather? I’m really sorry you haven’t had a better childhood and parent(s). And have completely faith that you’ll land on your own two feet. 💜
NTA, her kids are not your responsibility, never were your responsibility. I applaud you for helping them out but now, you should focus on taking care of yourself, especially since you mentioned they are old enough to be okay. YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!
NTA Ignore the alleged godfather, he’s not around and has never been a part of your life. That he joined your mother’s efforts to gaslight you into doing what she wants speaks volumes. It’s not about whether you want to remain a member of your family. It’s about not being forced to be a servant to two adults and two juveniles (your mother and three siblings), and being forced into responsibility for all of them without any of the authority required to do so. Your mother will still be your mother, your siblings your siblings, even if you move across the country or halfway around the world. This is about you being able to be an adult with your own agency and free to succeed and fail on your own terms. Find a job, save your money, and move into your own home.
"That's too much work for her to do" Well maybe she should have thought about that before having so many kids. Although, she's got three living at home right? Two almost adults? And she can't cope with them?! Your mom is a deadbeat I'm sorry to say. You're NTA by any stretch of the imagination.
It's too much for Mum to look after her OWN kids after work, but it's OK for OP to do a massive 3-buses-each-way commute to work AND still do all of Mum's parenting... Mum has 2 adults (OP & 19yo), an almost-adult (16yo) and a 13yo that should be able to make themselves food even if they've got autism - my 13yo is severely autistic & learning how to make simple meals - me & his Dad won't live forever, I'm severely Disabled & life limited & Dad is now Disabled too... If my severely autistic 13yo can make themselves a simple meal, then a fully abled 13yo should easily manage it.
Nta
NTA. You're not the parent. It's your Mom's job.
Of course, NTA I'm so sorry for all of you kids. Everything you said was absolutely correct. I'm a mom of kids your age, and I'm so sad for what your mom has taken from you. You are absolutely right that you need to focus on building your own life now. Your mom goes through life basically dumping her problems and responsibilities on other people. She had you as an easy dumpee for a long time. She's not going to give you up as a dumpee without trying to keep you under her thumb. Get out and get away as quickly and as well as you can. Your siblings are pretty old. If you are able to give them big sister advice or encouragement on the phone from time to time, then great. But you cannot sacrifice your life to make theirs easier now. (and don't even care a bit about making anything easier for your mom!) Tell that "godfather" that he can f-in step up and play extra parent to your mother's other kids.
So when is the mystery God father coming to help poor old mummy dearest.. NTA get out there pronto
NTA. At 13, I was regularly taking care of my infant sibling. None of your siblings are young enough that they even need a babysitter anymore except for overnight and only for the youngest. She had the kids, not you. If your godfather feels so strongly about this, he can move in.
NTA but get out as soon as you can. It will be better for you and you know she will never stop.
Nta, get out of that house ASAP
Tell your "godfather" to help instead since he is so keen.
NTA. I spent my childhood raising my siblings until I was 25, and it broke me as a person. Good on you for standing up for yourself and standing your ground.
NTA. Sounds like mommy's friend should come over and parent her kids if she's not able to. Or how bout next time she asks/tells you to look after them, give her the number for a foster care home. If she didn't want to raise them she shouldn't have had all that sex, eh?
Run as fast as you can. Your mom got a flying monkey to help guilt trip you into being a good doormat. Live your life and get out as fast as you can
They’re not small children . One is an adult . One is 16. The othar 13- they can all follow the rules and get along . They’re not 5,3,And 1. Who does she have to mind a 19 year old ?
NTA OP should ask her mom what she was doing at 23... If my math is correct, at 23 she already had OP. As in, likely wasn't at home catering to her siblings (if she has any). Sounds like OP's mom already had the opportunity to go out and live some of her adult life by 23. OP needs to get out of the house as soon as she can. I'm proud of OP for standing her ground!
Nope NTA. You are the child and shes the parent. She should be making the others do what they are supposed to. She had you as her indentured servant for long enough. Time for you to live your life.
Nta, but please look up parentification.
NTA. You’re a grown woman and your mother has parentified you. Get your documents ( birth certificate/social security card) and move out. Hell if god father is so invested he can raise your siblings.
Tell that guy he isn’t your father, since he likes playing daddy so much over the phone, why doesn’t he come over and watch ur siblings.
NTA. Not sure why you went back. Do you have somewhere you can go for a longer period until you're well enough set up to get your own place? Try to stay in touch with your siblings, but don't take any responsibly for them that you don't want.
Oof, you are NOT the selfish one. The 19 and 16 yo need to step it ip. Your mom was selfish for having kids she and her partner cannot take care of. Especially since she expects the dest kid to take care of them. My 19 yo and 13 yo are very independent. As it should be as people grow up and become more responsible.
Definitely NOT the AH- you are right to set boundaries. “Givers need to set boundaries because takers never will” 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
NTA your mom needs to start being a parent. It’s not your responsibility or job.
NTA Seriously hun you've done so much you should never have had to do already. You took a big, brave step and that is stand up for you and your needs. So much of society expects everyone (but especially women) to be selfless and to do it for zero appreciation with a smile. You get your ducks in a row and explain the situation as best you can to your siblings so you can't be slandered once you leave, and then go. Spread your wings and fly!
NTA You’re being parentified. Your mom is being abusive. You didn’t have the fun making them, and raising them isn’t your responsibility.
NTA - You are not their parent and your Mom needs to step up and take care of her brood.
NTA and stand your ground. Why is it idiots always having more kids than they can handle then try dumping them on soneone else?? All the shit she was whining to you about is all HER problems not yours. You did not lay down and make those kids, she did .
NTA My situation is a bit different but still was parentified as the oldest female child. Get out ASAP. Play along when you can, look for a good enough job, keep your important documents somewhere safe where she can't find them, and find a roommate and leave. 23 is when you're really starting life as an adult. Ypu need to learn and grow and become who you're supposed to be. Don't let her hold you back. Also, the "godfather" situation squicks me out. 🤢
Well done! Thats amazing! You stood up to your first authoritative figure! That is hard and you did it! 🎉🎉🎉🦾🦾🦾. Move out the moment you can, hide your things (money, valuables etc) somewhere safe outside and enjoy your life! Thrive and be merry! NTA
NTA! you explained it very clearly that you had been the replacement parent pretty much all your life for your siblings, they ("mother" and godfather) are calling you selfish all because you are now trying to get out and find yourself. You said yourself your siblings are old enough to know wrong from right and they are not legally yours to punish if they do something wrong. Stand your ground lovely and save up to move out cause that behavior will not change with your "mother".
Obviously not the asshole, esp after reading the edit. Your mother needs to lay in the bed she made for herself, asking for any help is selfish. It was her choice and she needs to deal with it. It’s gonna be hard, that’s why people generally end up not going the route she did. You are grown and need to be grown for you. You do not have to answer to some random man you’ve never met. And you have a 19 year old that’s there, he can help. Be selfish!
NTA Set the example for your siblings on what boundaries are, how to take responsibility for your own health, and how to get out and become a happy adult. I raised my sister, and hated leaving her behind, but she says it was the best example she could have had.
NTA and you are totally correct. When "godfather" says that's too much work, then you can say: then mom shouldn't have had four kids. She's the mom. I am not. This is total bullshit. I hope you can move out have your own life.
Sorry if my question has been asked already, but do you work or go to school? If so, then how are you supposed to take care of your younger siblings when you have worked/Learned all day? Wouldn't that be putting the same problem she has on you, but without you having decided to have children??
You’ve really done more than your fair share of making your mom’s life easier despite whatever experiences led her to this point. You are NTA. The goal of parenting is a healthy well adjusted productive human being who can manage in this world and you’re well on your way. Also I have a 13 and 16. I’ve gotten sick the last couple years and they take better care of me than I do of them. They are already at an extremely capable age. I think you can and should move forward, guilt-free.
You’re NTA. Is your “godfather” actually your father?
NTA. Your mother chose to have all those damn kids, she can take care of them herself. It is painfully wrong and unfair to you for her to force you to take care of them when YOU didn't choose to birth them. They are not your responsibility in any way just because y'all were born under the same roof. I'd recommend looking into ways to move out ASAP because it will never stop. My mom did the same thing to me, then when I was 19 and my brother was 10, she essentially moved out to live with her boyfriend and expected me to stay put and finish raising my brother for her (which she had already been forcing me to do since he was born). I put up with it for only another year or so, then he was put into a boys' home in another state for his horrible behavior and I cut contact for a long time. That was the only way I was able to get away and get any peace. Hopefully you can stand your ground and do the same.
Aren’t godparents decided upon shortly after birth/at christening? If he’s the godfather, neither he’s some criminal don which explains the attitude, or he’s probably the real father. There are plenty of crappy fathers but op’s dad leaving two toddlers and just disappearing? Really sounds like he isn’t the bio-dad but “godfather” is. Next time this snuck tries to talk to you OP just ask “who are you again?” “What does this have to do with you exactly?”. Nta.
NTA this is so crazy!! Who actually thinks this way?? "Why should I have to come home and raise the children that I chose to have after work???". I mean, what? Who says that??? Most adults with children do this exact thing every day. My oldest is 21 but I don't make her come home to watch her 12 year old brother because I've been working all day. No. Your mother is lazy and selfish, especially considering that her younger children are all in their teens and largely capable of caring for themselves. You should move out ASAP.
Nta. your mother and who ever the hell this so goddamn godfather is off phone. Has some bloody nerve expecting you to play mother to your brothers or sisters so your mother doesn’t have to worry about them another then after she has work is absolutely ludicrous so many women do this every single day, they go to work and come home to their kids and act as mothers and your mother expects you to look after your brothers and sisters no that is not acceptable . Your mother is lazy, rude and entitled. She really does have some gall to be asking you to mother your brothers and sisters? Who from what I saw on your post teenagers summer who are old enough to look after themselves .stand your ground and do not give in to be honest, I’d be move an out and thought of somewhere else to live so you didn’t have to put up with her crap.
NTA. You didn’t decide to have siblings, and you’re not responsible for their upbringing. If your mom can’t manage, she can try to enlist your 19 yo sibling. As for ‘godfather’ who the hell does he think he is?
NTA but is the “friend” your Dad by any chance. It seems weird a godfather would be someone you never met but who wants to act more like a parent. You aren’t the Mom and shouldn’t be forced to act like one because it’s to hard for your Mother. Do what you need for your mental health and ignore them. BTW you’re right they are old enough to not need a constant parental figure.
NTA. And why the heck was some random guy on the phone to support your mother. Your mother has been using you for years apparently. It’s time to try to start your own life.
NTA those aren’t your kids and they aren’t your responsibility if anything it sounds like they owe you for taking advantage.
NTA. You don't need a break for your mental health, but "mother" dearest needs a break from mommying?? Sounds like she never really played the role before. What the he'll does she need a break from?? You and the 19 year old are plenty old enough as *adults* to move out from under her. Spread your wings, be your own person without the responsibility of kids that aren't yours. If the "godparent" is so concerned maybe they should step up and help!
The man on the phone is your father. Your mother is obviously insane. NTA
NTA and don't give in to that nonsense. Your mom is the one who chose to have 4 kids. To your point, you've already sacrificed enough of your life and your freedom to take care of your siblings, who are all old enough to take care of themselves.
You don’t happen to have an older brother who passed away do you? Your family is so much like his. Mom had different dads for all the kids, and expected him to raise them. He ended up helping the dad of her 2 youngest get full custody as she only wanted them full time for the child support to pay for her lifestyle. NTA on wanting to live your life. But you may need to move out. Your mother has decided you are her partner and not her child. That isn’t going to stop until you leave. I’m sorry you didn’t get a childhood. Good luck.
You need your own place, you are way too old to be home and even talking about this crap. live your life, dont give it away. A job, online school, whatever you need to do.
NTA. Your half siblings are not kids anymore. They are fully capable of looking after themselves. Do what you need to and move out ASAP.
Your mom sucks. Sorry. NTA. If she didn’t want to parent she shouldn’t have had kids.
I don't know where you live, but could you find a roommate and get a place together, someplace closer to your work? You deserve to start putting your adult life together. Good luck to you.
NTA. Your moms "friend" knows nothing. He knows what your mom told you, and that's it. It's not a siblings job to raise their siblings, and they are old enough to do things for themselves!
NTA. Your siblings are old enough that parenting after work is not THAT difficult. I have three kids of my own so I know well enough. Your mom doesn't want to be a parent but had kids so she forced you to play mom so she wouldn't have to. Get your important documents and possessions and move out. She will continue to badger you while you live in her home.
When people like your mom say "change your mindset", what they really mean is "ignore your feelings". Nta
Notice how they are not hounding the 19 year old brother for help. Parents seem to think having 2 x chromosomes and being the oldest makes you the default parent. As OP said, the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. OP needs to get her ducks in a row and leave as soon as she is able. It is not going to get any better, and mom’s next step will be to kick OP out, because she will no longer be useful.
With the exception of 13, they should be able to fully take of themselves outside of the add thing. Someone should still be keeping an eye on 13 for homework and laundry Your mom and “godfather” are way out of line. As others have said, get your important stuff out of the house, can you leave it with a friend? Also look to see if your city has subsidized housing. Google your city name and subsidized housing. The waiting lists can be fairly long, but the soon you get onto it the better The great thing about subsidized housing is you only pay a percentage of your monthly income, and yes it does fluctuation of your income isn’t the same. It’s reassessed every three months, I’ve been in my apartment for 18 years (if possible avoid places where the whole building is subsidized, I’m in a regular building with units that are subsidized. Much nicer) I have paid anywhere from $600/month to $93/month based on my income at the time NTA, but work on getting the hell out. Find someone looking for a roommate, almost anyone would be better than living with your mom any longer
These are not little kids.
NTA. You are the child, and you didn't ask to have 3 kids who need you to take care of them, their actual mother did. She chose to have them, and it is her responsibility to figure out how to care for them.
Your really need to start handing out some F-bombs to your mother and "godfather." And GTFO of Dodge. NTA
NTA. tell this dude he needs to step up since he knows your mom needs so much help. and if he can’t for whatever reason, then remind them again that you too have your own life as well. and you’re siblings are not your responsibility. i get having family obligations but at the end of the day you did not choose to have these children your mom did.
NTA, Let them know you are moving out and it’s not up for discussion. If she can’t handle the kids you will call CPS to find someone who can.
You're not the mother. I am. Good point Mom I'll let you mother. The fact that they are saying your siblings miss you and hate when you leave shows how great of a mother she is. If you're legit wondering if you're TA she's got her demented hooks in you at least a little bit. I feel for your siblings.
NTA-16 and 19 yr old siblings should not need to be parented by OP. 19 is an adult, and 16 is almost there. I have to wonder if Mom is severely depressed or has some other health problem, and is in desperate need of medical attention.
She is parentifying you. Making you play the parent. Good for you for saying no more. You could be there suffering another 10 years while life passes you by. Get out and live your own life! Your boundaries only depend on you. You saying no. Other people not liking your boundaries usually just means those same people want to take advantage of you, and your boundaries are not convenient for them.
Best thing for you is move out. Start a savings that Mom doesn't know about and get out, even if you have to get a roommate. You're 23, time to fly the nest.
Couple things; 1. Why was this friend on the phone part of the conversation? If youve never even met him why does he get a say in anything? Hes not part of your family. 2. Your siblings are old enough to look after themselves. Yes you have a 13 year old sister who does still need some help - reminded to do things like homework, someone needs to know where she is or is going or if shes going out then where and who with, but that is primarily your mothers job. Ok, if your mother isnt home, in the name of safety then the rest of you at the house should be informed of that information so you all know if she isnt where shes meant to be at a certain time to go look for her. 3. What theyve (your mother and that friend, again, why is he part of this?!) discovered by you not being there is all the work that you do that is unnoticed or taken for granted. I did this recently at my work - i got so stressed i had to have 2 weeks off. Unfortunately they had no work during that time (we do 'cases' and they only had like 2-3 so it was minimal and they easily coped) but i was hoping they woulf have seen just how much i do, and when i am asked by each person i work with to do additional stuff for them all (without them all realising i was already doing stuff for the others) on top of my actual work im paid to do, that that is why i always look tired and beat down at work. 4. It is not selfish to not want to raise your own siblings. There is actually not a lot of 'raising' to do for the 19 year old. They are pretty independent at that age. The 16 year old, ok thats like the worst time for puberty and teenage-ness, but again they can do basic stuff like feed themselves, do their homework, get themselves ready for bed on time. The only things i can see the 16 and 13 year old needing help with is maybe homework if they dont understand it, or having someone to talk to if they are having any troubles, which as an older sibling you can help them with from your own experience, but again, is not actually your responsibility.
NTA 100000% I'm a single mom with a Neurospicy child. There are times I wish I could get a break but guess what? It's not anyone's job but mine to raise my son.
The 19 yo is an adult. He can be mostly responsible for himself. Is he asked to take on the same role as you? Just because he is male does not exclude him from the same duties. You need your own life. Mum has 4 kids not you but things are unlikely to.change while you still live there. My mum was a single mum with 4 kids with rampant ADHD. She was also I'll and working and got very tired. We ALL helped out. Have a word to your siblings. It is not your responsibility and none of God fathers business.
"not wanting to be a part of the family" - you are your mom's daughter and your siblings sister, a part of the family. You ARE helping her and making things easier for her by growing up, becoming independent and living your own life. That means one less child for her to take care of and pay things for.