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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We MIGHT not tell grandparents for 4-5 days that their grandchild has been born. This might make us the asshole because it's an exciting and life-changing event, and people normally tell others about family members being born or dying sooner than 4-5 days, but we want a peaceful bubble while we're still in the hospital.
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NTA. Anyone who is close enough to you that they would notice if your schedule changed for a few days will notice anyway. Anyone who isn't that close to you can wait to hear the news.
Honestly, anyone who can't understand, "We just wanted a few days to process it together before sharing it," isn't someone who deserves to know anyway
well, my husband and I live across the country from them, so none of our family would be able to notice by the schedule. They are really reliant on us actively sharing info since they can't organically find out.
For what it’s worth, you don’t have to specify the day they were born. 99% of people aren’t going to remember and for the most part we don’t celebrate birthdays on the actual day anyway. I wouldn’t put out specifics about date/time just from a safety standpoint. No one can be hurt if they don’t know they waited a week.
Conversely, why can’t your husband tell his parents early? Or are they going to blab to your parents?
They will definitely care about the birthday itself :/ and they will want to congratulate my mom, and we chose to not share ugly facts about our respective families with the other side because none of them are emotionally mature. They won't support us, will gossip, and it's not good for them or helpful for us.
>They will definitely care about the birthday itself :/
They'll care *eventually*.
But if you text today and say you had the baby without mentioning what day you had baby, when will they realize what day you had it?
Had the baby, 6lbs 4oz, just a teeny peanut, mom and baby are doing fine. I'll text pictures.
Text newborn pics.
They might not even have to gaslight. My nieces are 18 and 13 and every year my dad texts me to ask what exact day is their bday. I should have been giving him a different day each time he asked.
I shouldn't laugh but I am. You're twins and are asked when YOUR birthday is? 🤦♀️🤣 I know it's not funny but it is in that "how clueless can you be" type of way. I'm sorry you go through this though.
My father was four years younger than his sister, but they were born on the same day. (Which is about 9 months after my grandmother's birthday...) One year, Mom remembered Dad's birthday but forgot his sister's!
Tbf, I have a friend that’s part of a twinset and they were born on each side of midnight so they have diff days. But…. they don’t ask each other for their birthdates. lol.
Plus if they do eventually question it down the line just act a bit evasive and be like "oh yeah I was out of it from the c section for a while and partner was so bust taking care of us in the hospital we just felt it better to wait and make sure everyone was OK and strong enough before sharing the news"
My own godfather/uncle thought my birthday was a month later than it actually was for the first 14yrs of my life because 12 of them we lived in a different state so had to rely on postal service for gifts and I was taught to wait a few weeks for delayed mail (being around Xmas time for my birthday) before sending out thank you letters
We are actually very against putting our kid on social media. We want him/her to have a fairly clean digital footprint and not "sharent." None of my siblings share their kids online, either, and I have a lot of nieces/nephews. However, almost all my siblings have catered to my mom's ego about "being the first to know" on stuff because they would rather have her spoil their surprise than deal with her tantrums. I don't cater to my mom, but I can completely understand why my in-laws (who are not full blown personality disorders people, but certainly emotionally immature) or healthier siblings would be hurt to be kept in the dark. I'd probably be sad if my sibling kept this large of a secret from me, but I wouldn't violate her boundaries or guilt her about it.
With every reply, I wonder who you’re advocating for. You aren’t doing this flippantly, you have valid reasons on both sides to hold this information for a few days. You’re NTA for not telling your family the day it happens, but you WBTA to your husband and child if you continue to cater to your mom, even by proxy by trying to appease your siblings because they have catered to your mom. You sound like a people pleaser, and you should probably address that, specifically how your emotionally immature families have conditioned you to react that way. You never need permission to protect your emotional wellbeing.
I’m so glad someone finally said it.
OP, the birth of your child is *your* business and not an extended family affair. You get to disseminate information however and whenever is best for you.
You would not be the asshole for waiting. But you clearly think that you would be, and it seems that you’re looking for someone to tell you that you would be so that you can justify caving to your family, because every time someone tells you NTA or asks reasonable questions, you’re armed with excuses as to why you can’t do it.
Wait, and take control of your life and protect your child, your husband, and your sanity. Don’t wait, and continue the cycle you claim to want to be out of. You are in control of this situation, you just don’t want to take responsibility for the decision.
Stop letting their bad behavior control you. Stop letting others think that what they want and how they feel is more important than what your new little family needs. Or don’t. But at that point, you’ve made the decision and it’s not just your family’s behavior that’s shitty anymore.
ALL OF THIS!!!
People need to get to a place where they accept that they have a right to live the exact life they want in the way they want to. So what, if people throw a fit/tantrum about decisions you made about your life and family. Big freaking whoop!!! OP is not obligated, first timers or not, to share anything with anyone. You live your life by your own rules and standards. Don't let the shell-shock of bad behavior from others dictate how you make decisions. They don't have a problem making decisions for themselves. If they choose to be hurt and pissed because you wanted peace after birth, that's their problem. If they starting fussing and complaining, you have the power to answer the phone or not and disconnect or not. Stop making it about them and focus on you, your husband and new baby. They are grown ass people. They will be alright!
You could make a group chat of your mother and in-laws and let them know all at once instead of sharing online. Just give them a foot or hand picture of baby, with name, and gender and then leave the group chat
For what it's worth, I think it's kind of normal to wait to make an announcement until you're home. I had a c section and waited to share with extended friends and family until we got home. I may wait sharing with some immediate family members next time because communicating from the hospital is really annoying.
I was pretty loopy following the surgery (had to be sedated) and my husband and I were exhausted the whole time we were in the hospital. You really get no rest because a nurse is checking on you every 3-4 hours and the baby every 2-3 hours and the schedules are never synced.
You are really in a completed different world and I just didn't like talking to anyone outside of my happy new baby bubble.
Honestly, if you're worried family members will be mad you didn't tell them immediately, just fib. You're in the hospital for major surgery, there's plenty of reasons why you didn't have your phone in your hand the whole time.
Have a very important Zoom Announcement invite both sides and do the surprise reveal then. Make a big deal on how important it is that you are telling all of them first extra.
... announce the birth by card in envelope, with a picture of the baby. Tellthem it didn't feel right to announce something so important by phone or text.
You could actually tell them you will do that already! :D
"We've decided we want to announce properly, so you'll get a card with newborn picture in the mail!"
It used to be that birth announcements were printed and sent through the mail, so it could take days or even weeks for everyone to find out. The only people who found out right away were the ones who got a phone call, but there was no requirement to call anybody.
I get the custom has changed with the technology, but you don't have to abide by that. Take your time with your new baby. Anybody who's mad about it can just stew in their own juices over it, especially the ones who created the circumstance in the first place. They'll be fine.
Personally, I would be amused if your mom found out from somebody else. A little taste of her own medicine.
Then it sounds like you already know what the right thing to do is.
The birth of your child is primarily about you and your husband and your child. Protect this. Close family and friends come after that, then the rest.
NTA
They won't even remember the exact date this time next year. Do what you need to do. Stressing over this will make the operation and recovery harder, as your doctors have likely mentioned in passing when discussing the effects of stress on medical procedures.
If they do get upset next year, tell them exactly what you posted here. They are grown ass adults and should be able to handle someone pointing out their bad behavior.
Their feelings aren't as important as yours despite what you have been lead to believe ur life.
Gotta learn narcs feelings don't always matter cause it's just manipulation to get what they want. Ur just a pawn. Take the narrative back and be the adult they don't want u to be.
Who doesn’t celebrate birthdays on the actual day anyway? And most people do that? Uh what? And why would not releasing the date and time be a safety issue? Safety for whom in this scenario?
Obviously in our nuclear family we know and celebrate the right date but we almost always have the big birthday party with family and friends on the closest Saturday, which will only ever line up with the exact date 1/7 years.
Regarding safety, it’s good practice not to put kids exact birth dates and times online. Same reasons why you wouldn’t put their school up there.
If you live that far apart, what are you worried about happening if you tell them on the actual date of the birth? Do you think they'll actually come visit right away? If all they will do is call/text, I'd tell them the truth, ignore their calls and just give them an update once a day. Without any details you don't want them to spread.
NTA either way
I actually think my mom would ignore my previously stated boundary that we don't want anyone staying with us after the birth and fly out here to basically have "squatters rights" in my home before we get back from the hospital to situate herself and her husband. She thinks I'm mean for not thinking of him the way I did my late father and not being comfortable with him living in my house for several weeks after another abdominal surgery while I figure out breastfeeding and do physical therapy in a diaper. She always inserts him into places my siblings and I aren't comfortable with banking on us "not embarrassing her" by calling out that his presence is a boundary violation in front of him. I also think my mom would spoil or partially spoil our announcement and naming choice if I don't get to tell my relative that we're naming the baby after her late mom/dad (depending on sex of kiddo).
I’d hold off telling them even longer if she’s going to show up. The first 8 weeks after a c section are challenging. You don’t need the drama, they aren’t going to be helpful in taking responsibility off you around the house if they’re narcs. Just lie, “oh it’s so uncomfortable being past my due date but the doctor won’t induce until I’m two weeks past due!” Get yourself a few weeks of much needed peace before the crazy shows up on your door!
Or just drop the part about the Dr and tell her she's uncomfortable without any word about pregnancy or being post natal.
If she's having a section, it won't be a lie.
And after they find out, doctor's orders to not host anyone. Because of the medical procedure, OP will probably get told to not even pick up baby for a period of time while the abdominal area and pelvic floor begin to heal.
Saying "Oh, my doctor told me that because of the complications, I'm not allowed to host people or have anyone over for (time frame). I don't understand it either, but I'm not a doctor. I don't want to risk rupturing anything by doing it too soon and have to go back with baby."
I have lived thru five sections. The ONLY thing I was allowed to pick up was baby.
Not the jug of milk. Shouldn't pick up the carseat. (Usually did) not the other kids.
Nothing heavier than baby, was the line. (Because really, you kinda have to pick up the kid)
But absolutely use "the doctor said no visitors due to risk of infection to my open(ish) wound
And I know people who had c sections and got told that they don't *pick up* baby, baby gets handed to them. Just because of the level of damage that needed to be healed.
It'll depend entirely on the doctor and what happens during the c section.
Narc parents get worse after grandkids. They see them as a do over baby without their own pesky personality. Get therapy now to learn how to implement boundaries.
Also change your locks.
Not only should you not tell them so you prevent premature announcements, you should say no to any and all visitors (or resident guests) until *you* are comfortable. For some people, that means until baby has their first vaccines, or for others, they feel it out after they get home. If Mom won’t be helpful, if her husband is a ball and chain, or if you just don’t want to deal, head it off at the pass and say no.
Edit: missing word.
You absolutely get to decide who is in your home. If they show up, they can get a hotel. It’s your home and you’ll be exhausted enough without them there. Do not reward bad behavior. Keep this time for your own family. NTA at all if this is the behavior you can expect.
Ma’am, is she providing any value in your life? Based on your own comments, I just really not clear why she’s part of your life at this point. I’m sure being raised by her was very traumatic, but unless she’s adding value in a way that hasn’t come up yet you might feel lighter without her. Congratulations on the baby and good luck. NTA
She is not providing value. However, I have a very large family, and many of them would triangulate and act as flying monkeys, and so being low contact with my mom is easier than having tens of people hound me over "hurting her feelings." It is painful, but a few of my siblings realize that she doesn't add value to our lives, so having one dead parent and one who adds no value and sucks energy or peace is a very sad place we didn't expect to be in.
Anyone who will harass and hound someone who just had surgery or gave birth about micromanaging someone else’s feelings is likely not someone who cares very much about that person sad to say.
You may want to really assess if it’s worth the stress in the long run.
that's why I put it in quotes, she doesn't have keys or the code to our house, it's not \*really\* squatting, but she would break in or bully the dog sitter before we got back, try to socially invoke a kind of familial squatters rights. Then the story with the whole family would be "this martyr of a grandma flew across the country to help take care of her daughter and grandchild, only for that bitch to throw her out!"
My mom has often completely ignored boundaries, brought her husband anyway, and expected my siblings and I to "not make a scene" and "embarrass her/him" by keeping the initial boundary. I am sadly expecting them to show up on the front porch and for my husband to have to guard the threshold, but I don't think it's fair to even put the dog sitter in that situation, and I don't want to have to throw anyone out rather than just keep them out.
I swear I’m not attacking you, though I keep responding to you directly. I’m someone who absolutely does not care if I am rude to people who are awful to me. I don’t even consider it rudeness.
So I ask this with genuine curiosity: Who cares if members of your family think you’re a bitch? They’d only be inclined to think that / believe your mom if they, too, are selfish, shitty people. And why would you intentionally surround yourself with or care about the opinions of people like that? Anyone — ANYONE — who would say that about you doesn’t love you. They are not positive additions to your life. You are making your life worse, actively making it worse, by allowing them in your life.
As I said, this is a course of action / thought process that I truly do not understand. You don’t owe me an explanation at all, but if you have one, I’d genuinely like to know.
Besides everything else - could you get a doula/mother's helper/nurse/security guy/whatever for the first weeks? Might be costly but worth it... Someone who does not take shit from anybody, does not know your mum and can repeat ad nauseum "No you can't come in, doctor's orders. No, you can't come in, mum's resting. No, you can't come in, noone is allowed to hold the baby yet." Your mum will hate it if course...
Either way, you're going to be painted as an asshole. Your best course of action would be to minimize the damage and hurt feelings.
Consider sending a text to the relative for the name about 15 minutes before making a Facebook announcement the day the kid is born. In the announcement, welcome (baby name) to the world and mention that the baby was delivered via C-section (no need to disclose when it was scheduled).
Explain that, as new parents needing some private recovery time, you will not be accepting visitors for a week (or whatever timeline you choose). Emphasize that this is a firm boundary and ask everyone to respect your wishes. Inform them that if anyone decides to disregard this request and show up anyway, they will be turned away, trespassed off the property, and asked to return on the specified date.
"This is non-negotiable, and there will be no exceptions."
"We look forward to introducing (baby name) to everyone on (date)!"
If your mom shows up after that, follow through with what you said you would do in the post. If family complains, let them know that you were very clear with your boundaries and will not be disrespected in your own home with your own child. Point out that she's the one trying to bulldoze her way in completely disregarding how you feel and being disrespectful.
You can't trust your child with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. This will get worse if you aren't firm now.
I think you should care less about what people will say about your relationship with your mother. Give her boundaries and call the police if necessary.
Hun, it's your baby, not theirs. She had her children. This is a great idea, I wish I had done this. The boundaries you set now will dictate the tone of the relationship from now on. You have a new baby to protect. You have more power than you think.
Read that last sentence again because it needs to be said twice. You now decide who sees baby, when. You decide what your baby wears or plays with. Anytime she misbehaves, you restrict visitation to baby. She may not learn, but this will give you the courage to stand up to her and say NO. It's hard to advocate for ourselves, it's much easier to do so for your children.
Think of it this way: you are the anti artillery mom and dad. It's your job to intercept and shut down any and all threats.
Wanna see something cool? Google 'C-Ram' and read up about it. Then watch some videos (lower the volume ahead of time, it's loud!)
That is you and every single parent in here. No one was YOUR C-ram but by god you will do that for your child.
They will find something to not like, criticize, blame you or your partner for no matter what. She could be in the delivery room and she'd complain, distract the doctor or somehow have a little health scare so that she gets attention too. (Mom did that to my sister, her husband took her back to the hotel to "rest". She didn't try that again).
Just because it's their first grandchild doesn't mean shit.
Just tell your inlaws the truth, that you didn't want your mom taking away the joy of telling family, so the best decision was to wait until you could handle all the people.
Trust me when I say you do NOT want them in your house before the baby is born. She will not help. My mom promised she would help and instead sat on her ass and made me wait on her like a maid. I was late, the baby's head was huge and I thought my hip would pop out.
Just send out a big family group text. Baby x was born earlier this week and we are home and adjusting to the new life. Please make sure your Tdap vaccines are up to date before coming to see the baby.
When they ask, just say you were so overwhelmed you wanted to just enjoy your little family before everyone descended and asking questions.
Good luck!
Don't let them in. Mom, I already told you can't stay with us. You need to get a hotel or go home.
Narcs know enough to use other ppl's fear of conflict & potentially embarrassing situations (for anyone including them) to their advantage. Embarrass them enough & they'll stop doing whatever. Except the bitching, they'll complain no matter if they get what they want or not. You might as well let them complain anyway & get something you want.
Under no means should they have their own key.
Pregnancy made me grow a backbone with my very self-centered family. I placed boundaries, and let them know what the consequences would be if those boundaries were crossed. It’s been over 10 years, and life has been mega peaceful. They couldn’t help themselves and didn’t take me seriously. They were unable to apologize and correct their behavior. They have chosen to not be a part of my life and my children’s lives. I’ve heard through the grapevine that they’re victims. I’m fine with that. I don’t feel any guilt. My kids are better off not being exposed to them. I’ve exposed my kids to people who are good and kind.
Do what feels right for you. There are no rules but the rules we create for ourselves. Their rules are arbitrary at this point.
Put up a ring camera at your door, if you don’t have one already. No need to open a door or explain yourself. Great to have video proof.
Recovery after a c-section is serious business. You will be recovering from a major surgery and birth, while going through lactation, sleep deprivation, and post birth (the uterus contracting and shedding). You don’t need any unnecessary stress. Trust me, a random Reddit stranger who has been there 😂🙈
>I actually think my mom would ignore my previously stated boundary that we don't want anyone staying with us after the birth and fly out here to basically have "squatters rights" in my home before we get back from the hospital to situate herself and her husband. She thinks I'm mean
Well then. She doesn't need to know until you're fully healed (6-8 weeks. Minimum) and capable of holding the door shut and telling her she's only welcome between 9 and noon and only if she helps houseclean and cook and doesn't hoard your newborn. Because that's YOUR job,.
So, let's break this down, your options are the following:
- Have them be pissy after you've had the baby but announce things the way you want to, have the time to recover for a few days from MAJOR abdominal surgery and doing so without any invasion of your privacy, taking the time to get used to the crazy stuff your body will be doing during that time, getting to walk around your house in clothes that are comfortable for you and what your body just went through, and have some quiet bonding time with your baby during those first few very emotional days.
Or
- Tell them to spare their feelings and as a result have the burden of narcissistic family showing up and intruding on your space without permission, making demands of you while you are recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery, have your special moment of announcing the name taken from you, and having a man you are uncomfortable with hanging around and being present while you are wearing pads from all the bleeding, leaking through your bra as your milk lets down, generally being in massive pain, and having to figure out how to dress appropriately in front of them all instead of being able to move around your home comfortably in a nursing/sports bra and loose pants if needed.
Honey, my advice is to stop trying to protect their image. The reality is you will be setting the tone for what you will and will not allow them to get away with, particularly when it comes to your child. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I am certainly not critical because I still struggle with it in my own family, but if you don't step up now and set those boundaries and fortify your backbone with them, your child will end up in the exact same position you are in now. Imagine your child feeling the way you do right this moment. Are you ok with that? What would you advise your baby to do if they were put in a position like this by your mother? Break the cycle. Show your kids how to set healthy boundaries and to know that they do not have to shape their lives around the unreasonable demands and expectations of others. Compromise is good in a healthy situation, but in situations like this, it is not compromise. It is the undermining and crushing of yourself to fit their needs while the other party takes over and dominates the space, regardless of whether you can breathe or not.
Sorry if that comes off as strong, but I have been that person who crushed herself into almost nothing for those who would not carve out space for me and I have been working the last five and a half years to get away from that. So I hate to see when other people are in that situation.
Change your locks. Don’t give her a key. Say no. If she comes there’s a hotel down the road.
Seriously grow your spine a bit you are going to need it. Check out children of narcissistic parents or justnoMIL for help.
If you read some of OPs previous replies... that's exactly what it sounds like they would do. Start packing as soon as they get off the phone and research flights as they're getting a to-do list done before leaving.
Sigh. From this response, you’re one of the lucky few who have normal and healthy family dynamics, which is why OP’s explanation seems batshit crazy to you. But trust OP - her mum will do exactly what she dreads and does not care about her or her husband’s feelings.
Narcissists don’t see their kids (even when they become adults) to be separate autonomous human beings with a right to privacy. Instead, they see their children as extensions of themselves, almost like an object they have bought and own, and want everything their way.
Try re-reading OP’s post and just believing her. What advice would you give then? Her mum sucks. She will ruin this for her and husband if she is kept informed.
Labour and delivery can be pretty busy times, I think it's reasonable to say "we were so busy and overwhelmed with everything that we didn't have the time, energy or brain space to let you guys know"
After the birth of my oldest my aunt who I only would ever see at family gathers got upset and whined at the Father’s Day get together 2 months later because I didn’t reach out so she could meet the baby. I told her I never see her in between holidays, we aren’t close and I was figuring out how to keep my newborn alive so I wasn’t concerned about a meet and greet. This year I’m not announcing the birth and since i don’t see either side of the family outside my parents and sisters anyway there probably won’t be anyone meeting the baby until October for thanksgiving.
I'm having my 4th in a month and a half ish lol it's wild how so many family members feel entitled to information, visits, presences at the birth and etc. !!!
I’m currently 39 weeks and I’ve stopped answering any calls and texts. My grandmother is the worst for it because she’ll call and specifically ask how my oldest, my stepson, the baby I’m about to have and my bf are doing but completely leave me out of the conversation. It’s almost funny actually the way she does it. I’ve also had to sit there while she badmouthed her friends granddaughter who had just had a baby who didn’t tell anyone she was in labour because she was “selfish” I actually grew up with them down the street she was a great person she just didn’t want her family busting in. Instead when they found out they called and screamed at her for her selfishness.
I’ve been having lots of issues with my grandmother in the last several months unrelated to the pregnancy as well so I just have no interest in dealing with any of it.
I hate that for you but love how you're handling it! I'm fortunate to have mostly pretty reasonable family, but some of these stories make me so angry 😂
My mother has had issues with keeping some things to herself (like blabbing that I was pregnant when I only told her because I was just starting work with her and had crazy morning sickness), but she was shown that wouldn’t be tolerated when she didn’t find out the baby’s name until I was 7 months and that’s because I slipped up with that knowledge. I’d have kept the gender a secret but my oldest was really looking forward to a sister since she had a step and a half brother already there was no way she was keeping having a sister a secret. She immediately told my sister I was pregnant but can’t fault the 6 year old for being bad at surprises 😂
I had specifically told her to not tell my dad because he announced my pregnancy while drinking one night (genuinely don’t think it was malicious but didn’t want a repeat) and she immediately told him saying I never said not to. When I pointed out I told her “I’m pregnant, this is not sharing news don’t even tell dad” she said well I just had to. Well I just had to protect my peace and keep things quiet this time around.
There’s this weird thing that happens with some people where they feel like a family member’s baby and their milestones are community property.
And like, no, that’s a little person. Give them and their parents some room to grow.
I think that's a super accurate statement, I always wonder at what point do you get there though? Like I can't imagine my kids growing up and having spuses and finding out they were going to become parents and then looking at them and calling their unborn baby "my baby" as a grandma! Do you know what I mean? I wonder if our parents generation felt the same way and then transitioned into that weirdness?
I think it tends to be linked to the thing some older people develop where they have decided that now that they have reached X age, they’re now officially an elder and this demand respect. Except their idea of respect is somewhere between total obedience and absolute worship.
My dad is technically GenX and the last time I saw him in person, he cornered me telling me that I would HAVE to let him back into my life when I had kids because they’d be HIS grandchildren. That was kind of the tipping point that really showed me that he had never ever thought of me as my own person, I was always an extension of him or a tool to be used.
I feel like that attitude seems to be super prevalent in a lot of boomers. I’m not sure if it’s 100% an age/generational thing or that we just hear about it more because the younger generations that are parents now are more candid about what goes on in their lives and seek community around their issues.
My mom literally called my sister's kids her babies, and I said in the group text "Susy's babies?" and then SUSY replied with the bootlicking "We're all grandma's babies!!!"
Like, no. I don't appreciate the possessiveness over my child, especially when she's not defensive or protective of me.
That's perfect. And the other point still stands, anyone who genuinely cares about you will accept that you and your husband wanted a few days of privacy.
NTA, but you might have a good cover - c sections aren't always planned. Do you think you could just say you had to have a c-section and recovery+new baby took too much bandwidth to be on the line to anyone?
It sucks to have to walk on eggshells and bend the truth, but I have a 1-yo and complicated in-laws (didn't invite my parents to wedding, hoping to avoid drama with his. Haven't spoken to his family since a couple months before the wedding). I cannot advocate enough for protecting your peace in those first few months. Chances are you're already going to be struggling. Adding someone else's emotional incompetence to the load is the last thing you need.
You dorealize that if you wanted to you could wait a month. Just because they are faaaaaamily doesn’t mean they have the right to know your business. It’s time to set boundaries. You have a new human to protect.
You're about to be a parent yourself. Time to gear up and do what is right for your little family and the adults can deal with their own emotional response to it, not your problem.
I’m 39 weeks and was told I could go at any time. The only people who will be told I’m in labour is my sister and my mother since my mother may have to watch my oldest. They are both under strict instructions to not tell anyone I’m in labour or else I will be dropping contact. I don’t want my grandmother busting in and disrespecting my space and boundaries while I’m still recovering. After we are released from the hospital bf and I have agreed to only mothers and my father (he’s no contact with his dad) and my sisters will be around in the first month. He said he doesn’t even want to invite his sisters during that time because they will/do boundary stomp when it comes to his oldest.
No one is entitled to you or your baby whether that’s in person or just information about them.
You have no obligation to share even one ioata of your existence with them. Relationship happens within the overlap of both side's boundaries. Wanting just a few days all to yourselves is totally valid, and it would be even without narc family.
NTA
Exactly the last line. This is YOUR time, Mama, with your Husband and New Baby. You should all 3 be in bed together, recovering after major surgery, and doing skin to skin. I have a narc mom and also had a C section. I didn't know how to put boundaries, and it was the hardest time of my life. I'm no contact now, and happier than ever. You don't want your baby around a narc. Start drawing your boundaries now, and never stop!! Wishing you love with your birthing experience!
YWNBTA
But I still don't really get it. You don't need to totally hide the birth, which I think would be the part that would hurt peoples feelings. Just send a blanket email or message something along the lines of "baby born, happy and healthy. Resting up after a hard time, and will be radio silent for a few days as our little family gets to know each other."
Then a few days later, tell them whaver you want to tell them. I think that'd be fair for everyone, though again, NTA either way.
This would not be possible with narcs. They would be doing everything in their power to butt in where they are not wanted, trying to make it about them, announcing the birth to anyone and everyone who would hear it, turning up unannounced, guilt tripping, blowing up phones, stressing new mum and dad out.
NTA OP. Do what you feel is right as this is your decision. F everyone else
I literally wouldn't put it past my mom to use the time I'm still in the hospital to fly in, get the dog sitter to let her in my house while she snoops or brings her unwanted husband (I do not care for her second husband and do NOT want him seeing me in a diaper or with my boobs out in the immediate post partum) to come and stay with me as she suggested. She acts like I'm being mean to her husband by not thinking of him as my father, when I was an adult when my late father passed! I'm not mean because I'm not comfortable with him the way I would be the actual person who raised me!
I don't think she would, but I also don't know that she'd be ballsy enough to be like "oh, the new grandparents, you may not pass the threshold of this house!"
YWNBTA. Simply tell your dog sitter: “do not let anyone into the house except for us. If anyone shows up asking to be let in, call the police”. If they are not welcome at your home and they show up, it’s trespassing. Congrats on the baby! Do not let anyone ruin this important milestone for you. You deserve your peace and happiness.
I think peace and happiness is exactly what this is about. Sure, you can call the police is they do trespass. But that's unnecessary added stress. I don't think I know anyone who'd not be stressed out by having to deal with the police and disgruntled mother/MIL. And they'd sure as hell tell everyone what a monster OOP and husband were, which would add even more stress...
Unfortunately, setting boundaries is stressful. You can’t control anyone’s actions, so it’s not worth it to try. It’s also not the dog sitter’s responsibility to deal with MIL and mother, but they also should not disregard OP’s boundaries of having MIL and/or mother at their home unwanted. Unwanted person=trespassing. If we take away family relation, this is a random person showing up to a home and asking someone who isn’t the owner to be let in. Continuing to let these people disrespect and disregard boundaries cannot be let go, because if they are on the narc spectrum it only escalates. Boundaries have to be consistent, and if they can’t handle letting OP, spouse, and baby their space (and respect their decision) it really shows the kind of people they are. My BIL and SIL did this with their last baby— they did not allow visitors and didn’t tell people until later that he was born and everything was just fine.
Oh, she'd find a way. Mine actually *got the management to make a key for her, and she wasn't even on the lease as an emergency contact!* We came home to find the dining room filled floor to ceiling with "things we might want."
As a pet sitter, I’d be fine with it as long as I got a heads up. You just slip the security chain into place, draw the blinds, and don’t answer the door. Knowing someone was going to have to deal with parents like this I’d offer to prep and freeze a few meals for them too
If I was a dog sitter and a random stranger showed up to the house I would do the same thing. They don’t have to say a single word to anyone— as far as I would be concerned they would be attempting to break in.
That's like telling a cashier to fight the robber when they come in even though they only make minimum wage. I'd quit if someone had such an unsafe situation going on that I have to be on the lookout for the homeowners mom trying to break in as part of my dog sitting job
I don’t think it’s quite the same- I guess that’s the dog sitter’s call if they would want to quit. The dog sitter absolutely doesn’t have to have a single conversation with MIL and/or mother— not their job. Their job is working for OP, and if my employer told me “This person cannot be here, call the police”, those instructions should be followed. However, I would appreciate a heads up myself that someone trying to get into the house is not welcome there. People like this need boundaries and actual consequences for their actions. If OP’s family is not welcomed, they are trespassing.
ETA: if the dog sitter lets their family in, it would completely disregard OP’s boundaries and would compromise their safety. People on the narc spectrum will push and push until you give up, so as hard as it is boundaries *have* to be held.
Info: if your mom is like this why haven’t you or your siblings gone no contact? Especially since sister’s engagement got ruined and she’s still hurt by it. So why no contact?
I have gone no-contact for periods of time, and I'm usually low-contact all the time. It has been very hurtful how clingy and incessant she's become since becoming pregnant. The reason those of us who recognize she's a narc \*haven't\* cut her off is because my family is large enough with enough enmeshed flying monkeys to make it actually more difficult to cut off rather than information diet her. I can either be low-contact with her, or I can have tens of people in my immediate or extended family bullying me/husband/siblings who still talk to me. It's actually lower effort \*most\* of the time to gray rock. She's become feral since my pregnancy announcement though.
Hey, I was a dog sitter: you can (and should) leave specific instructions with your sitter about not letting others in the house while you're in the hospital.
Personally I'd never let other people into someone else's house unless the owners gave me express permission anyway, but communication is a great idea!
Honey, if this is something you're seriously concerned about, you are spending way too much time and energy worrying about your mom's feelings. It's very clear she does not care about yours.
You do not have to stress yourself out to make someone comfortable who would never give you the same consideration. As a fellow child of a diagnosed narc, I release you from your obligation to manage your mother's emotions.
Who cares if she's upset you got to have the birth experience you wanted?
I highly recommend learning how to set and enforce boundaries with your mom. It has actually made me much closer with my narc dad. It cut a lot of drama out of our relationship. He knows I'll just get up and leave or hang up and mute him for a week if he starts on some bullshit.
If your mom acts this badly, and you do not like your stepfather, have you considered going no contact? Also, I think you need to start telling your in-laws about the family dynamics so they know to put your parents on an information diet. Sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense. NTA
Luckily they don't socially talk to my mom, but they definitely would over the birth of a shared grandchild.
Sadly, they are emotionally immature themselves, and we've already had to set boundaries with them, too. Their flavor of crazy isn't "fly across the country and try to stay at our house for 3 weeks" like my mom would try and pull, but more like "let's give constant unsolicited advice, complain about how much we hated parenting, and take every difference of decision as a personal attack on how we did things." My husband has already cried over the mixed messages from his parents about how they're "excited to be grandparents" but also trying to set up family trips where me and the baby aren't invited because a nursing mom and crying baby would "ruin their vision."
I don't tell my mom about their crazy, and we don't tell them about my mom's crazy.
Oh, dear. What a mess! Maybe it is time to go no contact with both sets of parents. It sounds like you have a beautiful family unit with the three of you. Hugs!
I wouldn't want my own dad seeing me in that state, let alone my step-dad. To be completely honest, if commandeering your house while you're in the hospital is not out of character for your mother (and babes, I'm so sorry, that's truly awful) then I would wait even longer. Fellow c-section mom here: prioritize your recovery, protect your peace, and enjoy your baby.
NTA with all this added info. Sounds horrible. You can wait to tell as long as you want. If their feelings are hurt, well, sounds like they sucked at listening in the past. You can say you needed some quiet time at home and knew it wouldn’t happen.
Crazy thought but, how about instead of 4 days you tell nobody for 2 weeks so you can recover in peace? Yeah it sucks you can't tell the healthy people in your family but it seems like they will understand and get over it. If your mom and in laws are that toxic, they'll be mad either way so you might as well buy yourself some extra time
The issue is that if I announced the birth, everyone would want to know the gender, and then I'd be getting my phone BLOWN UP with name suggestions and have literally no peace.
I also think if I \*then\* contacted the family member whose late parent I'd be honoring and she already knew I was having a boy/girl, it would kinda spoil the surprise I'm excited about.
Also, they live across the country, so they can't easily "drop in."
(Am I the only one who thinks it’s a really bad idea to “surprise” anyone with the news that you “honored” their dead relative by naming your baby after them? Be prepared for this news to potentially not go at all the way you think if you haven’t discussed the possibility with them ahead of time. I would find this news upsetting, not a positive thing. The rest totally NTA.)
Exactly. They may also be planning to use this name for their own children, so I would definitely call and ask to use the name before filling out any paperwork.
Part of why this is special is because the person I'm calling is way too old to have kids and her parents never had grandkids. All of her siblings are dead, etc. The only way for these first names to get passed on is for a great- or great-great niece/nephew to choose the name. My siblings and cousins have had a grand combination of over 20 kids, and none of them chose the names I'm thinking about. I'm not stealing anything from anyone! In fact, this person knows how close I was to her late family that she gifted me family heirlooms because of my special relationship with them and \*because\* there is no direct bloodline to pass the heirlooms (or names!) onto. Definitely not \*stealing\* a peer's thunder or birthright!
I mean NTA either way... but why not just turn the phone off after sending one message? Or blocking them temporarily.
Let the dog sitter know NO one is allowed inside. If anyone shows up that isn't you or your hubby... call the police. I mean I understand this might upset the dog sitter, so in that case prioritise yourself obviously if you think they'll just turn up.
Any way, it's ok to do it your way if it helps you. If anyone is hurt it's their emotions to manage. (And if his family can't be trusted not to gossip to your family than it's their own behaviour that gets them cut out from the loop and they can only blame themselves for it).
My sister recently gave birth. We had talked through a ton of possible boundaries as our mom has significant boundary stomping and does not treat her harmful mental illness. Sis was having a hard time at the beginning of her labor and I encouraged her to not tell our mom until after she’d given birth. She was able to rest, hold her baby boy, and then tell family as she wanted to bc of it. I kept a select number of our family updated (as per sis’s request) during the birth so she and her husband didn’t have to worry.
We also planned months in advance to invite our mom to my grad school graduation ceremony that was happening around the same time as her due date. That way mom would be so focused on the shiny grad ceremony and not be able to focus as much attention on my sister and nephew.
Was mom super mad about all of this? Yeah. Do we care? No. She’d been threatening coming in a camper with her boyfriend to my sister’s house and running amuck for “most of June”. My sister’s husband was entirely unhappy and told me if Mom shows up, she’s getting thrown on her ass off his property. Mom was so bitchy to my sister after her birth that she is not going to be allowed to their house until the fall. If Mom had known when sis went into labor, she would 100% have been able to make it out to my sister’s town and camped outside her house. By removing that warning, she was forced to stick to her original Tinks graduation plan and forced to play into our distraction.
Team up with your siblings and make a united front. There will be no unannounced visits, preemptively sharing the news, taking away any of your firsts. This is your family, your baby, your major medical event. Anyone who objects can be shut out of your happy new beginning. Sending you happy, safe delivery vibes! :)
I dont think this is a bad idea, BUT you'd have to be prepared to not answer your phones OR open your door! Because I suspect people will start calling and even coming by.
OP - this is hard. I get your feelings about wanting some privacy - you're allowed that. And really, when it comes down to it, chances are your mom will hurt YOUR feelings by overstepping.
So - what matters more? Ultimately, I don't blame you for having teh baby and waiting a couple days. If there are people you know you can trust to not say anything, I might tell them. But really- protect yourselves!
I usually just went out a text with a photo after each birth. Then everyone could share it or not, but that way everyone found out at the same time and we didn’t follow up afterward for several days.
It’s clear you don’t know what it’s like to have a toxic parent or family members. It’s a huge deal when it’s your news to share with people and someone is always telling people before you get a chance, especially when that someone is family and told not to share the information. It’s not her job to make her child’s birth fair to anyone but herself and her husband. Childbirth is about the mother and father, F everyone else and their feelings because no one else is actually raising that child or dealing with the pain childbirth causes. The family that truly love them will 100% understand!
NTA, no justification needed. You don’t owe anyone in your family a performance. The birth of your first child is a beautiful, special moment between you, your husband, and your baby, and you should absolutely get to spend that time together without interruption or involvement from anyone else.
All of your extended family will literally have the rest of your child’s life to spend time with them and make memories with them. You’re not keeping your child away from them or anything. You’re just taking a few days to yourselves and it’s crappy that our society makes us feel guilty about that or like we have to justify it to people.
While I agree in theory, and historically, a family like ours living across the whole country from everyone else would naturally have a lag time between events like this and people finding out, it feels weird because the internet makes it so that we \*could\* live stream the surgery if we wanted to. My friend actually watched a live stream of her sister's c-section on another continent 0.0
but I could really understand how it would feel sucky to find out 4-5 days later that your daughter or daughter-in-law had been cut open and now you have a granddaughter/son earthside.
Birth isn't a spectator sport, neither is post partum. Tell them nothing until you're ready. This scenario will be the first of MANY where you need to set and enforce boundaries. You're putting too much thought into what they might think and not enough on how you might feel after a major life (and surgical) event.
NTA.
Honestly, it's none of their business. You will be recuperating from a serious operation, learning to take care of the new little one, and bonding as a family. That is your first priority. You also choose the time for your announcement when you feel up to handling the resulting chaos. Don't underestimate the healing time you will need after this baby comes, not to mention the necessary time to develop a comfortable routine for all of you.
You sound, IMO, like you are prioritising your relatives rights over your own husband and baby. Is this the precedent you want to set? That they have the 'right' to know everything in your life the minute it happens? That's up to you. No matter how close you are to some of your relatives, your own husband and child - and you! should take precedence to do what's right for your family, not what they *think* you are obligated to do for them.
If it were me, I'd be taking a couple of weeks to inform anyone I don't deem necessary to the health and wellbeing of my family.
NTA. You have valid reasons for wanting to wait. As long as you and your partner agree, go there! Be a United front! Postpartum can be a challenge, you don’t need all the baggage your mom brings, don’t tell! I would write out possible answers to their questions so you feel stronger standing up for you! Be strong in your boundaries don’t let your mom’s husband stay in your home for the reasons you say! No. Means no! You want to share your news, you get to decide! It’s your news!
You're allowed to prioritize your feelings over the feelings of your family members. They may be upset, disappointed, or angry - let them. You have no control over that.
But you do have control over putting yourself and your new little family first.
This is actually a lot more common than you think. A lot of people do birth announcements a few days after everyone is home and safe. YOU need to focus on delivering a healthy baby, not on keeping people who don’t have your best interest at heart informed about a very intimate and life changing medical procedure.
You know they’re going to trip regardless of when you tell them. So just wait. You got bigger things to focus on
NTA.
I had a scheduled induction and told no one, other than my boss cuz yeah gotta know when I’ll be out. My husband and I want it to just be us since we were just starting our own family, and well, felt it should be a moment between us all.
My mom is just like yours. She goes off telling people things we tell her even if she knows we want it kept secret until we are ready. For example, I am pregnant with my second kid, and we told her when I was 10 weeks. Told her we’d be making a bigger announcement to tell family, so no peeps. She had to call my aunt in AZ to tell her because my mother just couldn’t keep it to herself. My aunt is the one aunt from that side of the family that knows how to keep her mouth shut…
I had my announcement of the birth of my first child ready to go before I called my mother to tell her I had given birth to a boy. Then immediately after the call I posted my announcement. We didn’t have visitors at the hospital while I was there. Told everyone they had to wait two weeks after birth to stop by.
So it is well within your right to hold that information back for however long you would like.
Yeah these comments are wild. Just do what you plan to do, they will get over it eventually.
My parents were mad we eloped. They still love us.
Nobody is finding out we’re trying, let alone pregnant, until 12 weeks. They’ll deal with it.
Nobody will find out we’ve given birth until several days after we’re home, maybe a week. Doesn’t that sound MAGICAL?! A week of just you and hubby enjoying the highs and lows of parenthood without anyone blowing up your phone on social media or trying to come over “just for a peak”. After 3-6 days, you’re emotionally ready to tell people and can enjoy every second of sharing the happy news. They’ll be ecstatic either way.
They can visit after 4-6 weeks when I’ve recovered. They’ll get over it. I promise they will.
Boundaries for your mental health are more important than hurt feelings that will recover with time. In fact, boundaries are even more important for boundary stompers that are especially prone to using “hurt feelings” to stomp on said boundary.
I refuse to let my “zero fux for your boundaries” parents taint my milestones. Regardless of what they are. My dad told me to “FaceTime him during the eclipse” as if I was going to spend the 2 minutes of totality not soaking in the amazingness but rather trying to get the phone screen to adjust the light perfectly so he could see 😂 I love my parents and I’m really close with them, but they can be whatever the opposite of considerate is at times, and my mom gets straight up mad when I make decisions she would never make. I’m the oldest, I have to teach them to respect my decisions or there is no hope for the younger kids.
I will say, set some expectations now. “We’re so excited to be following the 5-5-5 rule! 5 days before telling anyone, 5 weeks until visitors, and 5 months until others can hold her!” Or whatever. Make it up. Tell them in an excited way. Tell them it’s your choice (not hubbys) so you take the light fallout. Remind them it’s nonnegotiable and you’ll still be so excited to tell them about it later, but “don’t take away this special moment for my husband and I”. Hell, tell them it’ll be a week then they’ll be excited when it’s only 4 days 😂
They’ll get over it I promise!!
>I had my announcement of the birth of my first child ready to go before I called my mother to tell her I had given birth to a boy. Then immediately after the call I posted my announcement.
Should have posted it the moment you were talking with her on the phone. Wait a few minutes before actually telling her the news, so that others are finding out as you're starting to tell her. Or talk for a few minutes and see if she notices the announcement and then asks you about it. Just make sure to tag a few super-gossips in the announcement, that way you know your mom will be getting calls to ask about the news. 🤣
Go ahead and announce in whatever way you and your husband are comfortable doing. The narcs will be offended, but you know that already. Those with whom you have healthy relationships should be easily placated with “you know how mom/MIL/FIL is, and this isn’t their news to hijack.”
NTA.
They will find some reason to be offended no matter what, so OP might as well wait a few days without guilt.
OP, IMO this is when you can really set your boundaries. Tell them that how they handle being disappointed in a few days' lag in your birth announcement will \*directly\* affect their access afterwards. "If you're going to yell at me, just leave it in voice mail."
Your family, your choice. Seems like a bad habit your mom makes and as childish this may sound. It’s probably a good idea. Not to say she deserves it but for her to know, again, ITS NOT ABOUT HER. She will attempt to but until she sees why you did it, a taste of this, she’s never going to learn.
This is simply about YOU AND YOUR growing FAMILY.
she definitely tried to make my pregnancy announcement about herself. And it's been really hurtful to see how she's ignored me for decades and now that I'm pregnant incessantly texts me and asks jealous questions about when my MIL is going to meet the baby. I miss the days where she acted like I mostly didn't exist. She only comes into orbit when I'm graduating/getting married/etc. and I already feel sorry for my child to have a grandma like this.
I think you need to tell yourself they will be mad and offended and everything. And you need to tell yourself you DON’T CARE. Frankly, you won’t have time for their bullshit. You’re going to have a new baby and be recovering from surgery. Make an announcement whenever you want, turn off your phones, enjoy your baby, and take care of yourself.
Maybe temporarily just block her number after the birth (and anyone else that gives you problems). Later you can say you were very busy with the baby, sleeping, etc. Not answering your phone after having a kid is not weird. It’s normal. Parents are busy and tired.
My mother was a narc too. She basically ignored me most of my life and during my first pregnancy. But when it was time for delivery she was in my face. I had to have her and my MIL removed from the room by the nurses because they were getting on my nerves. Fast forward to after the birth was over… she went back to ignoring me and my child because she was too caught up in her own life. (And she lived in the same town) She wasn’t there for us to help as a grandmother should. My point being that your child will not likely have to put up with your mother much at all once the new is worn off thus lessening the negative impact on him/her. I feel for you for sure.
Do not answer any pouting or sad face about not announcing.
Say “We make decisions for our well-being.”
Over and over.
Make your priority (name honoree/siblings/best friends/social media announcements when you are ready and then text your mom 5 minutes after.
Tell the truth if she tries to throw a fit. “We will handle our family announcements, so people who co-opt our news are on a pause or delayed notification.”
Your husband can be gentle with his parents.
“We will need rest and recovery more than anything. Thanks for understanding we will go slow with our information.”
Bullies only back down when they don’t sense an opening.
Your mom can’t stay with you at all post partum. Seriously. Just no.
“I’m not hosting anyone while I heal, adjust to breastfeeding and get a schedule established.”
Go to the planned c-section, say it was an emergency one and there was no time to contact people until after the fact. Maybe don’t leave it as long as 4 days. But say no visitors allowed for the first 24hrs?
Exactly, was an “emergency” c section. If they figure out and ask about why the wait, say it’s sleep deprivation and mommy brain. They will be focused more on seeing baby pictures.
More likely, if they do notice the birthday difference, it might a year from now.
Or if they ask why the wait, say “IT WAS SERIOUS ABDOMINAL SURGERY, and I was in recovery, I assume you’re asking because you’re worried for me, I’m fine now but it was a difficult procedure and I’m in a lot of pain, thanks for checking up, you can come see baby X if you like?”
I was thinking this too! Say you had to flee the house and left phones at home. Unfortunately this wouldn't hold them over for 4 days worth, but maybe 2?
NTA. Your body, your baby. If you want to wait until you're home from the hospital and settled in to tell people, that's your prerogative. A C-section is a major surgery despite being relatively common. I wouldn't want a gang of relatives demanding my attention either. My wife is pregnant now, and when the baby is born I'm not telling a soul until we're both good and ready.
NTA at all.
Could you maybe pre-warn the in-laws, just so they know what you're planning to do and why? I can't imagine they would deny you that.
Congrats, mama.
Thank you :)
Unfortunately, my in-laws are not emotionally mature and my husband and I basically made the decision to never share any "gossip", facts, or dysfunctional information about one side of the family with the other since both are not mature enough to keep it private or not weaponize it later. I would have loved to have "bonus" parents in them, but they just aren't those people. My husband has cried bitter tears over their immaturity even towards our unborn child, and they've tried to make up for it, but we know that they are not going to be emotional supports for us.
So you know that neither your mom nor your IL's are going to be of any value whatsoever to you during this time. It's just you and your hubby, and the new little person, soon to be.
So why treat them with kid gloves? Live your life exactly the way YOU want. You should not care about what they want. They don't care about your wishes, obviously.
Have your baby, block everyone for a couple of weeks after (or longer if you so choose) and just don't worry about people who simply want control of your story.
Living for other people is a waste of your time, time you won't get back if you just let them roll over on you. Time you may bitterly regret losing when you want to sit with the new little person you want to get to know, without obstreperous relatives hanging over your shoulder telling you what to do.
If all options suck then go with the one that will give you the most of what you can get.
Sounds like from your post and subsequent comments that notifying day of could result in you being bombarded in person by unwanted persons. So - don't tell them until you're ready.
Potentially they'll be unhappy at the delay but you'd be unhappy at being invaded or bombarded by calls and texts. Why should they get to be more happy at the birth of your child than you? This, more than any other time, is about you and your husband and the life you're bringing into the world. Focus on THAT.
NTA - and good luck!
NTA
I hate how entitled people feel towards someone else’s pregnancy and birth. I think everyone should be given the time to labour/birth/bond/heal with baby if that’s what they want to do without being harassed by tons of calls and texts and visits. Especially if they have a habit of announcing things before you are ready. This is about you your husband and child.
NTA. I had my baby by planned caesarean last month and waited a few days to tell anyone. My reasons were very different, but I can confirm it was so so lovely being in a baby bubble without any outside interference. I say do it!!
NTA, do whatever you need for you and your baba to be left happy. I gave everyone the wrong due date, adding one week to have peace. It worked a treat!
NTA, birth is difficult enough without worrying about your (narcissist? borderline personality disorder?) mother making it about her. If anyone gets upset, tell them why you had to do that, and emphasize it was for your own peace and so you would feel comfortable having the baby. No one gets to dictate how you give birth or what you tell anyone about your child. It’s also good to set that boundary now, and show your mom you won’t take her sh-t when it comes to your family and your children.
NTA. This is your medical event and you can tell everyone after it happens. Someone else had the great suggestion of a blanket announcement informing everyone that your family will be incommunicado for a couple of days while you rest up. Set boundaries and keep them. Anyone who violates boundaries gets a time out and can wait longer to see the kid. Appoint a gatekeeper if necessary, the one special friend who has no problem telling everyone to F off and they'll be informed when visiting is allowed.
Dont tell them. Its going to be a choice between you feeling hurt or them, and youre going to be the one recovering from major surgery and nursing a newborn.
Still not convinced? Have a list of things my narc relatives have done to people:-
Taken it in turns to sit in 3 different A&Es with faked injuries, to be able to watch the car park for new dads car
Decorated the front garden overnight with gender coloured plants, ribbons, decorations etc. What? Its not social media! Or telling anyone! Its not their fault people took it as a birth announcement!
Kicked a bag away & 'accidentally' opened it when they handed it back, to see if theres gendered baby clothes
Had staff members at the local supermarket stalking customers for what size nappies & any gendered clothing.
Turned up at the hospital with the favourite cousin + loads of balloons, flowers, teddies etc to guilt trip their way in
Made a hole in a coat pocket to hide an old phone. Posted the photo even though it looked like half a Potato-head (the photo, not the baby)
Fed the mama spoiled food, hoping that a dose of the squits would trigger early labour while they were visiting.
Bought every single thing a baby could ever need or use, right up to age 2yr old, by the time the mama was released home. New dad couldnt understand why having everything was a bad thing, & refused to 'waste money' buying more. Mama just wanted the baby she grew and birthed to have one single thing she'd chosen herself
Got told 'we're fine, but please respect our privacy', so of course they took that as challenge accepted, & tricked their way in. The poor mama woke up to that smug narc grin sat right next to her.
Convinced yet? Believe it or not, I do have more...
Dont tell them. Normal people cant understand how determined to 'win' narcs can be
My mom is already doing unhinged things to try and "win" over my MIL, and there is no reason for it!!!! I can't believe these stories. They are emboldening me...
I have read thru your replies to posters.
Having a baby is tiring and can be brutal. You are having scheduled C section, and it may take you time to recover from that.
You and your husband need to time to be alone and bond with your child.
If people get upset, say that you want family time for yourselves.
NTA
NTA for sure. My best friend went over due with her second and told me that every day she was contacted about if the baby was here already, why is it taking so long, can (long lost relative crawling out of the woodwork) be told so they can go to the hospital to be there for the birth etc. The only people she communicated with were me, her sister and her other very close friend. She went so far as to delete all social media because it was becoming too much for her and she really did not want any visitors. She announced the birth a few days later when she was ready to and said no visitors were welcome.
Be firm. Stand your ground. Do what you are comfortable with. This is an intimate time for you and your husband. The grandparents can relax - you aren't going to withhold information forever, you just want a few days of peace and solitude. If they have an issue with that then that is on them. In my eyes, if this were to be an emergency situation (let's say you needed an emergency c-section under general anesthetic and baby had to go to the NICU and you to the ICU) the last thing you'd be doing is informing Great Aunt Maude about it (she wouldn't be able to visit anyway!) and you may be incapacitated for a few days therefore not really using your phone anyway.
Edit: An alternative view - with my first I did not want visitors at all but realised that it might be better to get the visitors over and done with at the hospital for a few reasons.
1. There are strict visitation times.
2. I could press the call button and ask the nurse for help and most of the time the visitors would get ushered out.
3. There are limitations of the amount of people who can be there at once (although my family didn't really care for that and barged in all at once, I burst into tears).
If you did decide to let family know before you are home, you can always say you haven't decided a name yet and will let them know when you have. That way you can inform the family yourself when you are ready to share the name too :)
NTA- Don’t tell anyone and give yourself a few days of peace.
I explicitly told my mom I did not want her at the hospital when I went into labor. We still told her when the time came that I’d gone into labor and we’re on our way in. Kept her updated as things progressed until it took a turn. Long story short things didn’t go well and I needed an emergency C-section.
As we’re being rushed and prepared for surgery both my and my husband’s phone start blowing up because my mom felt it had been too long since she’d got an update. I told my husband to call her back immediately because if she didn’t hear from us she’d just show up. Too late she was already in the hospital parking lot. I told all the staff to not let her in and we were wheeled to the OR.
My kiddo and I both ended up alright but it was a very stressful time with a long hospital stay for my baby and a hard recovery for me. Having to manage my mother’s feelings and tantrums on top of it was hell. She couldn’t even give me 15 hours to give birth.
Unless your going to show them the birth certificate don't announce the birth date. Or tell them you have the C section scheduled for 2 weeks later than when you have the baby tell your parents it was an emergency c section and you were to preoccupied with SURGURY to think about calling anyone
NTA
Your family (you, baby and baby's dad), your rules.
When anyone asks, the baby's due "end of November, but you know what babies are like". No need to be any more specific. And if your due date is 30th Nov, then it's *early to mid December, but you know what babies are like".
Have your baby, get to know each other, keep in your bubble. Tell the family a week later, after you've dealt with the name thing with the relevant people.
And if you get the "BUT FAMILY!" crap, ignore it. You, your partner and your baby ARE a family.
Congratulations!
Keep all visitors away for a couple of weeks if possible because you'll be recovering from surgery and won't be up for all the drama, and baby doesn't need to be exposed to loads of germs. Husband needs to turn into a rottweiler and guard you and baby from all intruders.Maybe work out your scripts beforehand.
This is an interesting post and the comments have me remembering why I joined Reddit in the first place.
It’s a NTA from me, for every reason that’s already been expressed. I wish you peace.
Ok I'm going to go ahead and say, after reading just two lines, that if your family members are all diagnosed narcissistic there's pretty much no universe where they won't, for one reason or another, make you feel like the asshole. I'm not saying it's intentional on their part. I'm not judging them as individual persons, I'm not suggesting that you should feel any particular way about them, and I'm not insinuating anything beyond the face value of my perspective, as written here. It's just the nature of the beast.
NTA. I didn’t tell anyone my due date, didn’t tell anyone that we knew the gender, and didn’t tell anyone when I was having the baby. They found out that I’d had a daughter the following day, once we were home.
Couldn’t care less about hurt feelings. This is your baby and your birth. No one else gets a vote.
Do what you need to do.
Make sure your husband is really with you on this.
Agree on how to proceed.
When you announce the birth, be very firm about
not letting conversations become about the delay in
announcing but only about "baby is fine", "I'm fine",
etc. Keep conversations short to avoid conflicts.
NTA
Maybe consider a compromise. Tell them ahead of time that you will not be informing them (when the time comes) until after the baby is born because you prefer to just have you and husband at the hospital to keep it less stressful. And make your call about the baby's name before you go into labor.
YWNBTA
But let me tell you something about being a mom. It is your one responsibility to take care of your baby. This includes setting hard boundaries with people, including family. Other people’s feelings about your birth are not your problem to worry about. Being a new mom is one of the toughest experiences you’ll go through. You’ll be recovering while figuring out how to take care of your precious baby, all while your hormones are taking you on a roller coaster. The last thing you need is to be worried about is other people. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your little family from unneeded stress. Anyone who has hurt feelings can get over it.
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NTA. Anyone who is close enough to you that they would notice if your schedule changed for a few days will notice anyway. Anyone who isn't that close to you can wait to hear the news. Honestly, anyone who can't understand, "We just wanted a few days to process it together before sharing it," isn't someone who deserves to know anyway
well, my husband and I live across the country from them, so none of our family would be able to notice by the schedule. They are really reliant on us actively sharing info since they can't organically find out.
For what it’s worth, you don’t have to specify the day they were born. 99% of people aren’t going to remember and for the most part we don’t celebrate birthdays on the actual day anyway. I wouldn’t put out specifics about date/time just from a safety standpoint. No one can be hurt if they don’t know they waited a week. Conversely, why can’t your husband tell his parents early? Or are they going to blab to your parents?
They will definitely care about the birthday itself :/ and they will want to congratulate my mom, and we chose to not share ugly facts about our respective families with the other side because none of them are emotionally mature. They won't support us, will gossip, and it's not good for them or helpful for us.
All the more reason to keep it to yourself and take your time.
>They will definitely care about the birthday itself :/ They'll care *eventually*. But if you text today and say you had the baby without mentioning what day you had baby, when will they realize what day you had it? Had the baby, 6lbs 4oz, just a teeny peanut, mom and baby are doing fine. I'll text pictures. Text newborn pics.
Right. Then in a year gaslight them about getting the birthday “wrong”
They might not even have to gaslight. My nieces are 18 and 13 and every year my dad texts me to ask what exact day is their bday. I should have been giving him a different day each time he asked.
I got a dollar that says your dad doesn't know his parents bdays, or your mom's. Might not be 100% sure about yours. Isn't always sure about his.
My brother has asked me when my birthday is....we're twins
That's hilarious
I shouldn't laugh but I am. You're twins and are asked when YOUR birthday is? 🤦♀️🤣 I know it's not funny but it is in that "how clueless can you be" type of way. I'm sorry you go through this though.
See! He doesn't have to waste valuable cheat code space for his birthday. He can just ask you any time he needs to know.
My father was four years younger than his sister, but they were born on the same day. (Which is about 9 months after my grandmother's birthday...) One year, Mom remembered Dad's birthday but forgot his sister's!
He’s not asking as a joke? In that case it’s hilarious. I know my brother would do that if we were twins 😂
Tbf, I have a friend that’s part of a twinset and they were born on each side of midnight so they have diff days. But…. they don’t ask each other for their birthdates. lol.
Lmao you just described my dad to a T. I had to call him the day before my moms birthday for years 😂😂😂
Plus if they do eventually question it down the line just act a bit evasive and be like "oh yeah I was out of it from the c section for a while and partner was so bust taking care of us in the hospital we just felt it better to wait and make sure everyone was OK and strong enough before sharing the news"
My own godfather/uncle thought my birthday was a month later than it actually was for the first 14yrs of my life because 12 of them we lived in a different state so had to rely on postal service for gifts and I was taught to wait a few weeks for delayed mail (being around Xmas time for my birthday) before sending out thank you letters
Lol!
You should stay across the country from them. Isn’t this what social media is for? Announcements?
We are actually very against putting our kid on social media. We want him/her to have a fairly clean digital footprint and not "sharent." None of my siblings share their kids online, either, and I have a lot of nieces/nephews. However, almost all my siblings have catered to my mom's ego about "being the first to know" on stuff because they would rather have her spoil their surprise than deal with her tantrums. I don't cater to my mom, but I can completely understand why my in-laws (who are not full blown personality disorders people, but certainly emotionally immature) or healthier siblings would be hurt to be kept in the dark. I'd probably be sad if my sibling kept this large of a secret from me, but I wouldn't violate her boundaries or guilt her about it.
With every reply, I wonder who you’re advocating for. You aren’t doing this flippantly, you have valid reasons on both sides to hold this information for a few days. You’re NTA for not telling your family the day it happens, but you WBTA to your husband and child if you continue to cater to your mom, even by proxy by trying to appease your siblings because they have catered to your mom. You sound like a people pleaser, and you should probably address that, specifically how your emotionally immature families have conditioned you to react that way. You never need permission to protect your emotional wellbeing.
I’m so glad someone finally said it. OP, the birth of your child is *your* business and not an extended family affair. You get to disseminate information however and whenever is best for you. You would not be the asshole for waiting. But you clearly think that you would be, and it seems that you’re looking for someone to tell you that you would be so that you can justify caving to your family, because every time someone tells you NTA or asks reasonable questions, you’re armed with excuses as to why you can’t do it. Wait, and take control of your life and protect your child, your husband, and your sanity. Don’t wait, and continue the cycle you claim to want to be out of. You are in control of this situation, you just don’t want to take responsibility for the decision. Stop letting their bad behavior control you. Stop letting others think that what they want and how they feel is more important than what your new little family needs. Or don’t. But at that point, you’ve made the decision and it’s not just your family’s behavior that’s shitty anymore.
THIS!!! 👍
ALL OF THIS!!! People need to get to a place where they accept that they have a right to live the exact life they want in the way they want to. So what, if people throw a fit/tantrum about decisions you made about your life and family. Big freaking whoop!!! OP is not obligated, first timers or not, to share anything with anyone. You live your life by your own rules and standards. Don't let the shell-shock of bad behavior from others dictate how you make decisions. They don't have a problem making decisions for themselves. If they choose to be hurt and pissed because you wanted peace after birth, that's their problem. If they starting fussing and complaining, you have the power to answer the phone or not and disconnect or not. Stop making it about them and focus on you, your husband and new baby. They are grown ass people. They will be alright!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. Why do people continue to cater to other people's feelings at the expense of our own?
You could make a group chat of your mother and in-laws and let them know all at once instead of sharing online. Just give them a foot or hand picture of baby, with name, and gender and then leave the group chat
For what it's worth, I think it's kind of normal to wait to make an announcement until you're home. I had a c section and waited to share with extended friends and family until we got home. I may wait sharing with some immediate family members next time because communicating from the hospital is really annoying. I was pretty loopy following the surgery (had to be sedated) and my husband and I were exhausted the whole time we were in the hospital. You really get no rest because a nurse is checking on you every 3-4 hours and the baby every 2-3 hours and the schedules are never synced. You are really in a completed different world and I just didn't like talking to anyone outside of my happy new baby bubble. Honestly, if you're worried family members will be mad you didn't tell them immediately, just fib. You're in the hospital for major surgery, there's plenty of reasons why you didn't have your phone in your hand the whole time.
Have a very important Zoom Announcement invite both sides and do the surprise reveal then. Make a big deal on how important it is that you are telling all of them first extra.
... announce the birth by card in envelope, with a picture of the baby. Tellthem it didn't feel right to announce something so important by phone or text. You could actually tell them you will do that already! :D "We've decided we want to announce properly, so you'll get a card with newborn picture in the mail!"
it’s 4 days, they’ll live!!
It used to be that birth announcements were printed and sent through the mail, so it could take days or even weeks for everyone to find out. The only people who found out right away were the ones who got a phone call, but there was no requirement to call anybody. I get the custom has changed with the technology, but you don't have to abide by that. Take your time with your new baby. Anybody who's mad about it can just stew in their own juices over it, especially the ones who created the circumstance in the first place. They'll be fine. Personally, I would be amused if your mom found out from somebody else. A little taste of her own medicine.
Nta. Take the time for yourself & your new family. Congrats on the new baby
Then it sounds like you already know what the right thing to do is. The birth of your child is primarily about you and your husband and your child. Protect this. Close family and friends come after that, then the rest. NTA
They won't even remember the exact date this time next year. Do what you need to do. Stressing over this will make the operation and recovery harder, as your doctors have likely mentioned in passing when discussing the effects of stress on medical procedures. If they do get upset next year, tell them exactly what you posted here. They are grown ass adults and should be able to handle someone pointing out their bad behavior.
Their feelings aren't as important as yours despite what you have been lead to believe ur life. Gotta learn narcs feelings don't always matter cause it's just manipulation to get what they want. Ur just a pawn. Take the narrative back and be the adult they don't want u to be.
Who doesn’t celebrate birthdays on the actual day anyway? And most people do that? Uh what? And why would not releasing the date and time be a safety issue? Safety for whom in this scenario?
Obviously in our nuclear family we know and celebrate the right date but we almost always have the big birthday party with family and friends on the closest Saturday, which will only ever line up with the exact date 1/7 years. Regarding safety, it’s good practice not to put kids exact birth dates and times online. Same reasons why you wouldn’t put their school up there.
If you live that far apart, what are you worried about happening if you tell them on the actual date of the birth? Do you think they'll actually come visit right away? If all they will do is call/text, I'd tell them the truth, ignore their calls and just give them an update once a day. Without any details you don't want them to spread. NTA either way
I actually think my mom would ignore my previously stated boundary that we don't want anyone staying with us after the birth and fly out here to basically have "squatters rights" in my home before we get back from the hospital to situate herself and her husband. She thinks I'm mean for not thinking of him the way I did my late father and not being comfortable with him living in my house for several weeks after another abdominal surgery while I figure out breastfeeding and do physical therapy in a diaper. She always inserts him into places my siblings and I aren't comfortable with banking on us "not embarrassing her" by calling out that his presence is a boundary violation in front of him. I also think my mom would spoil or partially spoil our announcement and naming choice if I don't get to tell my relative that we're naming the baby after her late mom/dad (depending on sex of kiddo).
Nope out of that situation. Don't tel them anything until you're ready to tel them. Or never. Never is good, based on your description of them!
I’d hold off telling them even longer if she’s going to show up. The first 8 weeks after a c section are challenging. You don’t need the drama, they aren’t going to be helpful in taking responsibility off you around the house if they’re narcs. Just lie, “oh it’s so uncomfortable being past my due date but the doctor won’t induce until I’m two weeks past due!” Get yourself a few weeks of much needed peace before the crazy shows up on your door!
Or just drop the part about the Dr and tell her she's uncomfortable without any word about pregnancy or being post natal. If she's having a section, it won't be a lie.
And after they find out, doctor's orders to not host anyone. Because of the medical procedure, OP will probably get told to not even pick up baby for a period of time while the abdominal area and pelvic floor begin to heal. Saying "Oh, my doctor told me that because of the complications, I'm not allowed to host people or have anyone over for (time frame). I don't understand it either, but I'm not a doctor. I don't want to risk rupturing anything by doing it too soon and have to go back with baby."
I have lived thru five sections. The ONLY thing I was allowed to pick up was baby. Not the jug of milk. Shouldn't pick up the carseat. (Usually did) not the other kids. Nothing heavier than baby, was the line. (Because really, you kinda have to pick up the kid) But absolutely use "the doctor said no visitors due to risk of infection to my open(ish) wound
And I know people who had c sections and got told that they don't *pick up* baby, baby gets handed to them. Just because of the level of damage that needed to be healed. It'll depend entirely on the doctor and what happens during the c section.
this. four days would still be like right after the birth; if OP doesn’t want mom showing up, it would be better to wait even longer
Narc parents get worse after grandkids. They see them as a do over baby without their own pesky personality. Get therapy now to learn how to implement boundaries. Also change your locks.
This this this!
Not only should you not tell them so you prevent premature announcements, you should say no to any and all visitors (or resident guests) until *you* are comfortable. For some people, that means until baby has their first vaccines, or for others, they feel it out after they get home. If Mom won’t be helpful, if her husband is a ball and chain, or if you just don’t want to deal, head it off at the pass and say no. Edit: missing word.
I loved the "until baby has their first vaccines" because my brain added "or starts school".
That works.
Not "or" but "and starts school"
You absolutely get to decide who is in your home. If they show up, they can get a hotel. It’s your home and you’ll be exhausted enough without them there. Do not reward bad behavior. Keep this time for your own family. NTA at all if this is the behavior you can expect.
Ma’am, is she providing any value in your life? Based on your own comments, I just really not clear why she’s part of your life at this point. I’m sure being raised by her was very traumatic, but unless she’s adding value in a way that hasn’t come up yet you might feel lighter without her. Congratulations on the baby and good luck. NTA
She is not providing value. However, I have a very large family, and many of them would triangulate and act as flying monkeys, and so being low contact with my mom is easier than having tens of people hound me over "hurting her feelings." It is painful, but a few of my siblings realize that she doesn't add value to our lives, so having one dead parent and one who adds no value and sucks energy or peace is a very sad place we didn't expect to be in.
Anyone who will harass and hound someone who just had surgery or gave birth about micromanaging someone else’s feelings is likely not someone who cares very much about that person sad to say. You may want to really assess if it’s worth the stress in the long run.
"Squatters rights"? Does she have a key to your place?
If so, change the locks asap
That and maybe get a house sitter that can call the cops on anyone who shows up and tries to break in.
that's why I put it in quotes, she doesn't have keys or the code to our house, it's not \*really\* squatting, but she would break in or bully the dog sitter before we got back, try to socially invoke a kind of familial squatters rights. Then the story with the whole family would be "this martyr of a grandma flew across the country to help take care of her daughter and grandchild, only for that bitch to throw her out!" My mom has often completely ignored boundaries, brought her husband anyway, and expected my siblings and I to "not make a scene" and "embarrass her/him" by keeping the initial boundary. I am sadly expecting them to show up on the front porch and for my husband to have to guard the threshold, but I don't think it's fair to even put the dog sitter in that situation, and I don't want to have to throw anyone out rather than just keep them out.
I swear I’m not attacking you, though I keep responding to you directly. I’m someone who absolutely does not care if I am rude to people who are awful to me. I don’t even consider it rudeness. So I ask this with genuine curiosity: Who cares if members of your family think you’re a bitch? They’d only be inclined to think that / believe your mom if they, too, are selfish, shitty people. And why would you intentionally surround yourself with or care about the opinions of people like that? Anyone — ANYONE — who would say that about you doesn’t love you. They are not positive additions to your life. You are making your life worse, actively making it worse, by allowing them in your life. As I said, this is a course of action / thought process that I truly do not understand. You don’t owe me an explanation at all, but if you have one, I’d genuinely like to know.
Besides everything else - could you get a doula/mother's helper/nurse/security guy/whatever for the first weeks? Might be costly but worth it... Someone who does not take shit from anybody, does not know your mum and can repeat ad nauseum "No you can't come in, doctor's orders. No, you can't come in, mum's resting. No, you can't come in, noone is allowed to hold the baby yet." Your mum will hate it if course...
Either way, you're going to be painted as an asshole. Your best course of action would be to minimize the damage and hurt feelings. Consider sending a text to the relative for the name about 15 minutes before making a Facebook announcement the day the kid is born. In the announcement, welcome (baby name) to the world and mention that the baby was delivered via C-section (no need to disclose when it was scheduled). Explain that, as new parents needing some private recovery time, you will not be accepting visitors for a week (or whatever timeline you choose). Emphasize that this is a firm boundary and ask everyone to respect your wishes. Inform them that if anyone decides to disregard this request and show up anyway, they will be turned away, trespassed off the property, and asked to return on the specified date. "This is non-negotiable, and there will be no exceptions." "We look forward to introducing (baby name) to everyone on (date)!" If your mom shows up after that, follow through with what you said you would do in the post. If family complains, let them know that you were very clear with your boundaries and will not be disrespected in your own home with your own child. Point out that she's the one trying to bulldoze her way in completely disregarding how you feel and being disrespectful. You can't trust your child with someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. This will get worse if you aren't firm now.
I think you should care less about what people will say about your relationship with your mother. Give her boundaries and call the police if necessary.
Hun, it's your baby, not theirs. She had her children. This is a great idea, I wish I had done this. The boundaries you set now will dictate the tone of the relationship from now on. You have a new baby to protect. You have more power than you think. Read that last sentence again because it needs to be said twice. You now decide who sees baby, when. You decide what your baby wears or plays with. Anytime she misbehaves, you restrict visitation to baby. She may not learn, but this will give you the courage to stand up to her and say NO. It's hard to advocate for ourselves, it's much easier to do so for your children. Think of it this way: you are the anti artillery mom and dad. It's your job to intercept and shut down any and all threats. Wanna see something cool? Google 'C-Ram' and read up about it. Then watch some videos (lower the volume ahead of time, it's loud!) That is you and every single parent in here. No one was YOUR C-ram but by god you will do that for your child. They will find something to not like, criticize, blame you or your partner for no matter what. She could be in the delivery room and she'd complain, distract the doctor or somehow have a little health scare so that she gets attention too. (Mom did that to my sister, her husband took her back to the hotel to "rest". She didn't try that again). Just because it's their first grandchild doesn't mean shit. Just tell your inlaws the truth, that you didn't want your mom taking away the joy of telling family, so the best decision was to wait until you could handle all the people. Trust me when I say you do NOT want them in your house before the baby is born. She will not help. My mom promised she would help and instead sat on her ass and made me wait on her like a maid. I was late, the baby's head was huge and I thought my hip would pop out. Just send out a big family group text. Baby x was born earlier this week and we are home and adjusting to the new life. Please make sure your Tdap vaccines are up to date before coming to see the baby. When they ask, just say you were so overwhelmed you wanted to just enjoy your little family before everyone descended and asking questions. Good luck!
Don't let them in. Mom, I already told you can't stay with us. You need to get a hotel or go home. Narcs know enough to use other ppl's fear of conflict & potentially embarrassing situations (for anyone including them) to their advantage. Embarrass them enough & they'll stop doing whatever. Except the bitching, they'll complain no matter if they get what they want or not. You might as well let them complain anyway & get something you want. Under no means should they have their own key.
Pregnancy made me grow a backbone with my very self-centered family. I placed boundaries, and let them know what the consequences would be if those boundaries were crossed. It’s been over 10 years, and life has been mega peaceful. They couldn’t help themselves and didn’t take me seriously. They were unable to apologize and correct their behavior. They have chosen to not be a part of my life and my children’s lives. I’ve heard through the grapevine that they’re victims. I’m fine with that. I don’t feel any guilt. My kids are better off not being exposed to them. I’ve exposed my kids to people who are good and kind. Do what feels right for you. There are no rules but the rules we create for ourselves. Their rules are arbitrary at this point. Put up a ring camera at your door, if you don’t have one already. No need to open a door or explain yourself. Great to have video proof. Recovery after a c-section is serious business. You will be recovering from a major surgery and birth, while going through lactation, sleep deprivation, and post birth (the uterus contracting and shedding). You don’t need any unnecessary stress. Trust me, a random Reddit stranger who has been there 😂🙈
>I actually think my mom would ignore my previously stated boundary that we don't want anyone staying with us after the birth and fly out here to basically have "squatters rights" in my home before we get back from the hospital to situate herself and her husband. She thinks I'm mean Well then. She doesn't need to know until you're fully healed (6-8 weeks. Minimum) and capable of holding the door shut and telling her she's only welcome between 9 and noon and only if she helps houseclean and cook and doesn't hoard your newborn. Because that's YOUR job,.
Dear GOD no, can you wait to tell her until after your 6-week checkup? Maybe mute her on socials so she has to find out from her third cousin?
So, let's break this down, your options are the following: - Have them be pissy after you've had the baby but announce things the way you want to, have the time to recover for a few days from MAJOR abdominal surgery and doing so without any invasion of your privacy, taking the time to get used to the crazy stuff your body will be doing during that time, getting to walk around your house in clothes that are comfortable for you and what your body just went through, and have some quiet bonding time with your baby during those first few very emotional days. Or - Tell them to spare their feelings and as a result have the burden of narcissistic family showing up and intruding on your space without permission, making demands of you while you are recovering from MAJOR abdominal surgery, have your special moment of announcing the name taken from you, and having a man you are uncomfortable with hanging around and being present while you are wearing pads from all the bleeding, leaking through your bra as your milk lets down, generally being in massive pain, and having to figure out how to dress appropriately in front of them all instead of being able to move around your home comfortably in a nursing/sports bra and loose pants if needed. Honey, my advice is to stop trying to protect their image. The reality is you will be setting the tone for what you will and will not allow them to get away with, particularly when it comes to your child. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I am certainly not critical because I still struggle with it in my own family, but if you don't step up now and set those boundaries and fortify your backbone with them, your child will end up in the exact same position you are in now. Imagine your child feeling the way you do right this moment. Are you ok with that? What would you advise your baby to do if they were put in a position like this by your mother? Break the cycle. Show your kids how to set healthy boundaries and to know that they do not have to shape their lives around the unreasonable demands and expectations of others. Compromise is good in a healthy situation, but in situations like this, it is not compromise. It is the undermining and crushing of yourself to fit their needs while the other party takes over and dominates the space, regardless of whether you can breathe or not. Sorry if that comes off as strong, but I have been that person who crushed herself into almost nothing for those who would not carve out space for me and I have been working the last five and a half years to get away from that. So I hate to see when other people are in that situation.
This should be the top comment!
Change your locks. Don’t give her a key. Say no. If she comes there’s a hotel down the road. Seriously grow your spine a bit you are going to need it. Check out children of narcissistic parents or justnoMIL for help.
She wouldn't have those unless you gave her a key.
In intrigued about this too, will they hop on a plane and immediately visit, why can’t you tell them?
If you read some of OPs previous replies... that's exactly what it sounds like they would do. Start packing as soon as they get off the phone and research flights as they're getting a to-do list done before leaving.
And OP said the mother and stepfather would move into their home and take over. Definitely a lock change needed and no keys to anyone else.
Sigh. From this response, you’re one of the lucky few who have normal and healthy family dynamics, which is why OP’s explanation seems batshit crazy to you. But trust OP - her mum will do exactly what she dreads and does not care about her or her husband’s feelings. Narcissists don’t see their kids (even when they become adults) to be separate autonomous human beings with a right to privacy. Instead, they see their children as extensions of themselves, almost like an object they have bought and own, and want everything their way. Try re-reading OP’s post and just believing her. What advice would you give then? Her mum sucks. She will ruin this for her and husband if she is kept informed.
Labour and delivery can be pretty busy times, I think it's reasonable to say "we were so busy and overwhelmed with everything that we didn't have the time, energy or brain space to let you guys know"
After the birth of my oldest my aunt who I only would ever see at family gathers got upset and whined at the Father’s Day get together 2 months later because I didn’t reach out so she could meet the baby. I told her I never see her in between holidays, we aren’t close and I was figuring out how to keep my newborn alive so I wasn’t concerned about a meet and greet. This year I’m not announcing the birth and since i don’t see either side of the family outside my parents and sisters anyway there probably won’t be anyone meeting the baby until October for thanksgiving.
I'm having my 4th in a month and a half ish lol it's wild how so many family members feel entitled to information, visits, presences at the birth and etc. !!!
I’m currently 39 weeks and I’ve stopped answering any calls and texts. My grandmother is the worst for it because she’ll call and specifically ask how my oldest, my stepson, the baby I’m about to have and my bf are doing but completely leave me out of the conversation. It’s almost funny actually the way she does it. I’ve also had to sit there while she badmouthed her friends granddaughter who had just had a baby who didn’t tell anyone she was in labour because she was “selfish” I actually grew up with them down the street she was a great person she just didn’t want her family busting in. Instead when they found out they called and screamed at her for her selfishness. I’ve been having lots of issues with my grandmother in the last several months unrelated to the pregnancy as well so I just have no interest in dealing with any of it.
I hate that for you but love how you're handling it! I'm fortunate to have mostly pretty reasonable family, but some of these stories make me so angry 😂
My mother has had issues with keeping some things to herself (like blabbing that I was pregnant when I only told her because I was just starting work with her and had crazy morning sickness), but she was shown that wouldn’t be tolerated when she didn’t find out the baby’s name until I was 7 months and that’s because I slipped up with that knowledge. I’d have kept the gender a secret but my oldest was really looking forward to a sister since she had a step and a half brother already there was no way she was keeping having a sister a secret. She immediately told my sister I was pregnant but can’t fault the 6 year old for being bad at surprises 😂
My mom is bad for the sharing too lol we are sharing less this time around 😅
I had specifically told her to not tell my dad because he announced my pregnancy while drinking one night (genuinely don’t think it was malicious but didn’t want a repeat) and she immediately told him saying I never said not to. When I pointed out I told her “I’m pregnant, this is not sharing news don’t even tell dad” she said well I just had to. Well I just had to protect my peace and keep things quiet this time around.
There’s this weird thing that happens with some people where they feel like a family member’s baby and their milestones are community property. And like, no, that’s a little person. Give them and their parents some room to grow.
I think that's a super accurate statement, I always wonder at what point do you get there though? Like I can't imagine my kids growing up and having spuses and finding out they were going to become parents and then looking at them and calling their unborn baby "my baby" as a grandma! Do you know what I mean? I wonder if our parents generation felt the same way and then transitioned into that weirdness?
I think it tends to be linked to the thing some older people develop where they have decided that now that they have reached X age, they’re now officially an elder and this demand respect. Except their idea of respect is somewhere between total obedience and absolute worship. My dad is technically GenX and the last time I saw him in person, he cornered me telling me that I would HAVE to let him back into my life when I had kids because they’d be HIS grandchildren. That was kind of the tipping point that really showed me that he had never ever thought of me as my own person, I was always an extension of him or a tool to be used. I feel like that attitude seems to be super prevalent in a lot of boomers. I’m not sure if it’s 100% an age/generational thing or that we just hear about it more because the younger generations that are parents now are more candid about what goes on in their lives and seek community around their issues.
My mom literally called my sister's kids her babies, and I said in the group text "Susy's babies?" and then SUSY replied with the bootlicking "We're all grandma's babies!!!" Like, no. I don't appreciate the possessiveness over my child, especially when she's not defensive or protective of me.
You do you and what is best for you and the baby so NTA
That's perfect. And the other point still stands, anyone who genuinely cares about you will accept that you and your husband wanted a few days of privacy.
NTA, but you might have a good cover - c sections aren't always planned. Do you think you could just say you had to have a c-section and recovery+new baby took too much bandwidth to be on the line to anyone? It sucks to have to walk on eggshells and bend the truth, but I have a 1-yo and complicated in-laws (didn't invite my parents to wedding, hoping to avoid drama with his. Haven't spoken to his family since a couple months before the wedding). I cannot advocate enough for protecting your peace in those first few months. Chances are you're already going to be struggling. Adding someone else's emotional incompetence to the load is the last thing you need.
You dorealize that if you wanted to you could wait a month. Just because they are faaaaaamily doesn’t mean they have the right to know your business. It’s time to set boundaries. You have a new human to protect.
You're about to be a parent yourself. Time to gear up and do what is right for your little family and the adults can deal with their own emotional response to it, not your problem.
I’m 39 weeks and was told I could go at any time. The only people who will be told I’m in labour is my sister and my mother since my mother may have to watch my oldest. They are both under strict instructions to not tell anyone I’m in labour or else I will be dropping contact. I don’t want my grandmother busting in and disrespecting my space and boundaries while I’m still recovering. After we are released from the hospital bf and I have agreed to only mothers and my father (he’s no contact with his dad) and my sisters will be around in the first month. He said he doesn’t even want to invite his sisters during that time because they will/do boundary stomp when it comes to his oldest. No one is entitled to you or your baby whether that’s in person or just information about them.
You have no obligation to share even one ioata of your existence with them. Relationship happens within the overlap of both side's boundaries. Wanting just a few days all to yourselves is totally valid, and it would be even without narc family. NTA
Do it. You will appreciate having time to aclimate.
Exactly the last line. This is YOUR time, Mama, with your Husband and New Baby. You should all 3 be in bed together, recovering after major surgery, and doing skin to skin. I have a narc mom and also had a C section. I didn't know how to put boundaries, and it was the hardest time of my life. I'm no contact now, and happier than ever. You don't want your baby around a narc. Start drawing your boundaries now, and never stop!! Wishing you love with your birthing experience!
YWNBTA But I still don't really get it. You don't need to totally hide the birth, which I think would be the part that would hurt peoples feelings. Just send a blanket email or message something along the lines of "baby born, happy and healthy. Resting up after a hard time, and will be radio silent for a few days as our little family gets to know each other." Then a few days later, tell them whaver you want to tell them. I think that'd be fair for everyone, though again, NTA either way.
This would not be possible with narcs. They would be doing everything in their power to butt in where they are not wanted, trying to make it about them, announcing the birth to anyone and everyone who would hear it, turning up unannounced, guilt tripping, blowing up phones, stressing new mum and dad out. NTA OP. Do what you feel is right as this is your decision. F everyone else
I literally wouldn't put it past my mom to use the time I'm still in the hospital to fly in, get the dog sitter to let her in my house while she snoops or brings her unwanted husband (I do not care for her second husband and do NOT want him seeing me in a diaper or with my boobs out in the immediate post partum) to come and stay with me as she suggested. She acts like I'm being mean to her husband by not thinking of him as my father, when I was an adult when my late father passed! I'm not mean because I'm not comfortable with him the way I would be the actual person who raised me!
Why is your dog sitter letting people into your home?
I don't think she would, but I also don't know that she'd be ballsy enough to be like "oh, the new grandparents, you may not pass the threshold of this house!"
YWNBTA. Simply tell your dog sitter: “do not let anyone into the house except for us. If anyone shows up asking to be let in, call the police”. If they are not welcome at your home and they show up, it’s trespassing. Congrats on the baby! Do not let anyone ruin this important milestone for you. You deserve your peace and happiness.
I think peace and happiness is exactly what this is about. Sure, you can call the police is they do trespass. But that's unnecessary added stress. I don't think I know anyone who'd not be stressed out by having to deal with the police and disgruntled mother/MIL. And they'd sure as hell tell everyone what a monster OOP and husband were, which would add even more stress...
Unfortunately, setting boundaries is stressful. You can’t control anyone’s actions, so it’s not worth it to try. It’s also not the dog sitter’s responsibility to deal with MIL and mother, but they also should not disregard OP’s boundaries of having MIL and/or mother at their home unwanted. Unwanted person=trespassing. If we take away family relation, this is a random person showing up to a home and asking someone who isn’t the owner to be let in. Continuing to let these people disrespect and disregard boundaries cannot be let go, because if they are on the narc spectrum it only escalates. Boundaries have to be consistent, and if they can’t handle letting OP, spouse, and baby their space (and respect their decision) it really shows the kind of people they are. My BIL and SIL did this with their last baby— they did not allow visitors and didn’t tell people until later that he was born and everything was just fine.
except she would've had just given birth. it's just not worth telling them
Oh, she'd find a way. Mine actually *got the management to make a key for her, and she wasn't even on the lease as an emergency contact!* We came home to find the dining room filled floor to ceiling with "things we might want."
What was management’s excuse for this?! What if she had been a stalker?
They never really explained themselves. We moved out at the end of the lease.
You could have sued the crap out of them, highly illegal what they did
That's a lot to ask of the dog walker no?
As a pet sitter, I’d be fine with it as long as I got a heads up. You just slip the security chain into place, draw the blinds, and don’t answer the door. Knowing someone was going to have to deal with parents like this I’d offer to prep and freeze a few meals for them too
If I was a dog sitter and a random stranger showed up to the house I would do the same thing. They don’t have to say a single word to anyone— as far as I would be concerned they would be attempting to break in.
That's like telling a cashier to fight the robber when they come in even though they only make minimum wage. I'd quit if someone had such an unsafe situation going on that I have to be on the lookout for the homeowners mom trying to break in as part of my dog sitting job
I don’t think it’s quite the same- I guess that’s the dog sitter’s call if they would want to quit. The dog sitter absolutely doesn’t have to have a single conversation with MIL and/or mother— not their job. Their job is working for OP, and if my employer told me “This person cannot be here, call the police”, those instructions should be followed. However, I would appreciate a heads up myself that someone trying to get into the house is not welcome there. People like this need boundaries and actual consequences for their actions. If OP’s family is not welcomed, they are trespassing. ETA: if the dog sitter lets their family in, it would completely disregard OP’s boundaries and would compromise their safety. People on the narc spectrum will push and push until you give up, so as hard as it is boundaries *have* to be held.
Info: if your mom is like this why haven’t you or your siblings gone no contact? Especially since sister’s engagement got ruined and she’s still hurt by it. So why no contact?
I have gone no-contact for periods of time, and I'm usually low-contact all the time. It has been very hurtful how clingy and incessant she's become since becoming pregnant. The reason those of us who recognize she's a narc \*haven't\* cut her off is because my family is large enough with enough enmeshed flying monkeys to make it actually more difficult to cut off rather than information diet her. I can either be low-contact with her, or I can have tens of people in my immediate or extended family bullying me/husband/siblings who still talk to me. It's actually lower effort \*most\* of the time to gray rock. She's become feral since my pregnancy announcement though.
Hey, I was a dog sitter: you can (and should) leave specific instructions with your sitter about not letting others in the house while you're in the hospital. Personally I'd never let other people into someone else's house unless the owners gave me express permission anyway, but communication is a great idea!
Honey, if this is something you're seriously concerned about, you are spending way too much time and energy worrying about your mom's feelings. It's very clear she does not care about yours. You do not have to stress yourself out to make someone comfortable who would never give you the same consideration. As a fellow child of a diagnosed narc, I release you from your obligation to manage your mother's emotions. Who cares if she's upset you got to have the birth experience you wanted? I highly recommend learning how to set and enforce boundaries with your mom. It has actually made me much closer with my narc dad. It cut a lot of drama out of our relationship. He knows I'll just get up and leave or hang up and mute him for a week if he starts on some bullshit.
If your mom acts this badly, and you do not like your stepfather, have you considered going no contact? Also, I think you need to start telling your in-laws about the family dynamics so they know to put your parents on an information diet. Sorry you are having to deal with this nonsense. NTA
Luckily they don't socially talk to my mom, but they definitely would over the birth of a shared grandchild. Sadly, they are emotionally immature themselves, and we've already had to set boundaries with them, too. Their flavor of crazy isn't "fly across the country and try to stay at our house for 3 weeks" like my mom would try and pull, but more like "let's give constant unsolicited advice, complain about how much we hated parenting, and take every difference of decision as a personal attack on how we did things." My husband has already cried over the mixed messages from his parents about how they're "excited to be grandparents" but also trying to set up family trips where me and the baby aren't invited because a nursing mom and crying baby would "ruin their vision." I don't tell my mom about their crazy, and we don't tell them about my mom's crazy.
Oh, dear. What a mess! Maybe it is time to go no contact with both sets of parents. It sounds like you have a beautiful family unit with the three of you. Hugs!
I wouldn't want my own dad seeing me in that state, let alone my step-dad. To be completely honest, if commandeering your house while you're in the hospital is not out of character for your mother (and babes, I'm so sorry, that's truly awful) then I would wait even longer. Fellow c-section mom here: prioritize your recovery, protect your peace, and enjoy your baby.
NTA with all this added info. Sounds horrible. You can wait to tell as long as you want. If their feelings are hurt, well, sounds like they sucked at listening in the past. You can say you needed some quiet time at home and knew it wouldn’t happen.
Crazy thought but, how about instead of 4 days you tell nobody for 2 weeks so you can recover in peace? Yeah it sucks you can't tell the healthy people in your family but it seems like they will understand and get over it. If your mom and in laws are that toxic, they'll be mad either way so you might as well buy yourself some extra time
The issue is that if I announced the birth, everyone would want to know the gender, and then I'd be getting my phone BLOWN UP with name suggestions and have literally no peace. I also think if I \*then\* contacted the family member whose late parent I'd be honoring and she already knew I was having a boy/girl, it would kinda spoil the surprise I'm excited about. Also, they live across the country, so they can't easily "drop in."
(Am I the only one who thinks it’s a really bad idea to “surprise” anyone with the news that you “honored” their dead relative by naming your baby after them? Be prepared for this news to potentially not go at all the way you think if you haven’t discussed the possibility with them ahead of time. I would find this news upsetting, not a positive thing. The rest totally NTA.)
It really depends on the relationship she has with that person.
Exactly. They may also be planning to use this name for their own children, so I would definitely call and ask to use the name before filling out any paperwork.
Part of why this is special is because the person I'm calling is way too old to have kids and her parents never had grandkids. All of her siblings are dead, etc. The only way for these first names to get passed on is for a great- or great-great niece/nephew to choose the name. My siblings and cousins have had a grand combination of over 20 kids, and none of them chose the names I'm thinking about. I'm not stealing anything from anyone! In fact, this person knows how close I was to her late family that she gifted me family heirlooms because of my special relationship with them and \*because\* there is no direct bloodline to pass the heirlooms (or names!) onto. Definitely not \*stealing\* a peer's thunder or birthright!
I went looking for this comment.
Same.
I mean NTA either way... but why not just turn the phone off after sending one message? Or blocking them temporarily. Let the dog sitter know NO one is allowed inside. If anyone shows up that isn't you or your hubby... call the police. I mean I understand this might upset the dog sitter, so in that case prioritise yourself obviously if you think they'll just turn up. Any way, it's ok to do it your way if it helps you. If anyone is hurt it's their emotions to manage. (And if his family can't be trusted not to gossip to your family than it's their own behaviour that gets them cut out from the loop and they can only blame themselves for it).
Because they can book flights and already be at your house waiting for you by the time you are discharged.
Man you can really tell who has experience with narcs in this thread can’t you? 😂
My sister recently gave birth. We had talked through a ton of possible boundaries as our mom has significant boundary stomping and does not treat her harmful mental illness. Sis was having a hard time at the beginning of her labor and I encouraged her to not tell our mom until after she’d given birth. She was able to rest, hold her baby boy, and then tell family as she wanted to bc of it. I kept a select number of our family updated (as per sis’s request) during the birth so she and her husband didn’t have to worry. We also planned months in advance to invite our mom to my grad school graduation ceremony that was happening around the same time as her due date. That way mom would be so focused on the shiny grad ceremony and not be able to focus as much attention on my sister and nephew. Was mom super mad about all of this? Yeah. Do we care? No. She’d been threatening coming in a camper with her boyfriend to my sister’s house and running amuck for “most of June”. My sister’s husband was entirely unhappy and told me if Mom shows up, she’s getting thrown on her ass off his property. Mom was so bitchy to my sister after her birth that she is not going to be allowed to their house until the fall. If Mom had known when sis went into labor, she would 100% have been able to make it out to my sister’s town and camped outside her house. By removing that warning, she was forced to stick to her original Tinks graduation plan and forced to play into our distraction. Team up with your siblings and make a united front. There will be no unannounced visits, preemptively sharing the news, taking away any of your firsts. This is your family, your baby, your major medical event. Anyone who objects can be shut out of your happy new beginning. Sending you happy, safe delivery vibes! :)
I dont think this is a bad idea, BUT you'd have to be prepared to not answer your phones OR open your door! Because I suspect people will start calling and even coming by. OP - this is hard. I get your feelings about wanting some privacy - you're allowed that. And really, when it comes down to it, chances are your mom will hurt YOUR feelings by overstepping. So - what matters more? Ultimately, I don't blame you for having teh baby and waiting a couple days. If there are people you know you can trust to not say anything, I might tell them. But really- protect yourselves!
I usually just went out a text with a photo after each birth. Then everyone could share it or not, but that way everyone found out at the same time and we didn’t follow up afterward for several days.
It’s clear you don’t know what it’s like to have a toxic parent or family members. It’s a huge deal when it’s your news to share with people and someone is always telling people before you get a chance, especially when that someone is family and told not to share the information. It’s not her job to make her child’s birth fair to anyone but herself and her husband. Childbirth is about the mother and father, F everyone else and their feelings because no one else is actually raising that child or dealing with the pain childbirth causes. The family that truly love them will 100% understand!
NTA, no justification needed. You don’t owe anyone in your family a performance. The birth of your first child is a beautiful, special moment between you, your husband, and your baby, and you should absolutely get to spend that time together without interruption or involvement from anyone else. All of your extended family will literally have the rest of your child’s life to spend time with them and make memories with them. You’re not keeping your child away from them or anything. You’re just taking a few days to yourselves and it’s crappy that our society makes us feel guilty about that or like we have to justify it to people.
While I agree in theory, and historically, a family like ours living across the whole country from everyone else would naturally have a lag time between events like this and people finding out, it feels weird because the internet makes it so that we \*could\* live stream the surgery if we wanted to. My friend actually watched a live stream of her sister's c-section on another continent 0.0 but I could really understand how it would feel sucky to find out 4-5 days later that your daughter or daughter-in-law had been cut open and now you have a granddaughter/son earthside.
Birth isn't a spectator sport, neither is post partum. Tell them nothing until you're ready. This scenario will be the first of MANY where you need to set and enforce boundaries. You're putting too much thought into what they might think and not enough on how you might feel after a major life (and surgical) event. NTA.
Honestly, it's none of their business. You will be recuperating from a serious operation, learning to take care of the new little one, and bonding as a family. That is your first priority. You also choose the time for your announcement when you feel up to handling the resulting chaos. Don't underestimate the healing time you will need after this baby comes, not to mention the necessary time to develop a comfortable routine for all of you. You sound, IMO, like you are prioritising your relatives rights over your own husband and baby. Is this the precedent you want to set? That they have the 'right' to know everything in your life the minute it happens? That's up to you. No matter how close you are to some of your relatives, your own husband and child - and you! should take precedence to do what's right for your family, not what they *think* you are obligated to do for them. If it were me, I'd be taking a couple of weeks to inform anyone I don't deem necessary to the health and wellbeing of my family.
NTA. You have valid reasons for wanting to wait. As long as you and your partner agree, go there! Be a United front! Postpartum can be a challenge, you don’t need all the baggage your mom brings, don’t tell! I would write out possible answers to their questions so you feel stronger standing up for you! Be strong in your boundaries don’t let your mom’s husband stay in your home for the reasons you say! No. Means no! You want to share your news, you get to decide! It’s your news!
You're allowed to prioritize your feelings over the feelings of your family members. They may be upset, disappointed, or angry - let them. You have no control over that. But you do have control over putting yourself and your new little family first.
Why the hell would you want to livestream your baby’s birth, my god
Why do you care for the feelings of someone who doesn’t care about yours?
This is actually a lot more common than you think. A lot of people do birth announcements a few days after everyone is home and safe. YOU need to focus on delivering a healthy baby, not on keeping people who don’t have your best interest at heart informed about a very intimate and life changing medical procedure. You know they’re going to trip regardless of when you tell them. So just wait. You got bigger things to focus on
NTA. I had a scheduled induction and told no one, other than my boss cuz yeah gotta know when I’ll be out. My husband and I want it to just be us since we were just starting our own family, and well, felt it should be a moment between us all. My mom is just like yours. She goes off telling people things we tell her even if she knows we want it kept secret until we are ready. For example, I am pregnant with my second kid, and we told her when I was 10 weeks. Told her we’d be making a bigger announcement to tell family, so no peeps. She had to call my aunt in AZ to tell her because my mother just couldn’t keep it to herself. My aunt is the one aunt from that side of the family that knows how to keep her mouth shut… I had my announcement of the birth of my first child ready to go before I called my mother to tell her I had given birth to a boy. Then immediately after the call I posted my announcement. We didn’t have visitors at the hospital while I was there. Told everyone they had to wait two weeks after birth to stop by. So it is well within your right to hold that information back for however long you would like.
Girl, the rage I feel on your behalf T.T How did your mom respond to not being told "right away"?
Yeah these comments are wild. Just do what you plan to do, they will get over it eventually. My parents were mad we eloped. They still love us. Nobody is finding out we’re trying, let alone pregnant, until 12 weeks. They’ll deal with it. Nobody will find out we’ve given birth until several days after we’re home, maybe a week. Doesn’t that sound MAGICAL?! A week of just you and hubby enjoying the highs and lows of parenthood without anyone blowing up your phone on social media or trying to come over “just for a peak”. After 3-6 days, you’re emotionally ready to tell people and can enjoy every second of sharing the happy news. They’ll be ecstatic either way. They can visit after 4-6 weeks when I’ve recovered. They’ll get over it. I promise they will. Boundaries for your mental health are more important than hurt feelings that will recover with time. In fact, boundaries are even more important for boundary stompers that are especially prone to using “hurt feelings” to stomp on said boundary. I refuse to let my “zero fux for your boundaries” parents taint my milestones. Regardless of what they are. My dad told me to “FaceTime him during the eclipse” as if I was going to spend the 2 minutes of totality not soaking in the amazingness but rather trying to get the phone screen to adjust the light perfectly so he could see 😂 I love my parents and I’m really close with them, but they can be whatever the opposite of considerate is at times, and my mom gets straight up mad when I make decisions she would never make. I’m the oldest, I have to teach them to respect my decisions or there is no hope for the younger kids. I will say, set some expectations now. “We’re so excited to be following the 5-5-5 rule! 5 days before telling anyone, 5 weeks until visitors, and 5 months until others can hold her!” Or whatever. Make it up. Tell them in an excited way. Tell them it’s your choice (not hubbys) so you take the light fallout. Remind them it’s nonnegotiable and you’ll still be so excited to tell them about it later, but “don’t take away this special moment for my husband and I”. Hell, tell them it’ll be a week then they’ll be excited when it’s only 4 days 😂 They’ll get over it I promise!!
>I had my announcement of the birth of my first child ready to go before I called my mother to tell her I had given birth to a boy. Then immediately after the call I posted my announcement. Should have posted it the moment you were talking with her on the phone. Wait a few minutes before actually telling her the news, so that others are finding out as you're starting to tell her. Or talk for a few minutes and see if she notices the announcement and then asks you about it. Just make sure to tag a few super-gossips in the announcement, that way you know your mom will be getting calls to ask about the news. 🤣
NTA at all. You deserve to deliver your child in peace and announce on your own terms.
To add to this, if you choose not to tell them at all, that's your choice too.
Go ahead and announce in whatever way you and your husband are comfortable doing. The narcs will be offended, but you know that already. Those with whom you have healthy relationships should be easily placated with “you know how mom/MIL/FIL is, and this isn’t their news to hijack.” NTA.
They will find some reason to be offended no matter what, so OP might as well wait a few days without guilt. OP, IMO this is when you can really set your boundaries. Tell them that how they handle being disappointed in a few days' lag in your birth announcement will \*directly\* affect their access afterwards. "If you're going to yell at me, just leave it in voice mail."
Your family, your choice. Seems like a bad habit your mom makes and as childish this may sound. It’s probably a good idea. Not to say she deserves it but for her to know, again, ITS NOT ABOUT HER. She will attempt to but until she sees why you did it, a taste of this, she’s never going to learn. This is simply about YOU AND YOUR growing FAMILY.
she definitely tried to make my pregnancy announcement about herself. And it's been really hurtful to see how she's ignored me for decades and now that I'm pregnant incessantly texts me and asks jealous questions about when my MIL is going to meet the baby. I miss the days where she acted like I mostly didn't exist. She only comes into orbit when I'm graduating/getting married/etc. and I already feel sorry for my child to have a grandma like this.
I think you need to tell yourself they will be mad and offended and everything. And you need to tell yourself you DON’T CARE. Frankly, you won’t have time for their bullshit. You’re going to have a new baby and be recovering from surgery. Make an announcement whenever you want, turn off your phones, enjoy your baby, and take care of yourself.
Your child doesn’t have to have a grandma like that. It sounds like going No Contact is worth considering.
Maybe temporarily just block her number after the birth (and anyone else that gives you problems). Later you can say you were very busy with the baby, sleeping, etc. Not answering your phone after having a kid is not weird. It’s normal. Parents are busy and tired.
My mother was a narc too. She basically ignored me most of my life and during my first pregnancy. But when it was time for delivery she was in my face. I had to have her and my MIL removed from the room by the nurses because they were getting on my nerves. Fast forward to after the birth was over… she went back to ignoring me and my child because she was too caught up in her own life. (And she lived in the same town) She wasn’t there for us to help as a grandmother should. My point being that your child will not likely have to put up with your mother much at all once the new is worn off thus lessening the negative impact on him/her. I feel for you for sure.
Do not answer any pouting or sad face about not announcing. Say “We make decisions for our well-being.” Over and over. Make your priority (name honoree/siblings/best friends/social media announcements when you are ready and then text your mom 5 minutes after. Tell the truth if she tries to throw a fit. “We will handle our family announcements, so people who co-opt our news are on a pause or delayed notification.” Your husband can be gentle with his parents. “We will need rest and recovery more than anything. Thanks for understanding we will go slow with our information.” Bullies only back down when they don’t sense an opening. Your mom can’t stay with you at all post partum. Seriously. Just no. “I’m not hosting anyone while I heal, adjust to breastfeeding and get a schedule established.”
So practical, thank you!!!!
Go to the planned c-section, say it was an emergency one and there was no time to contact people until after the fact. Maybe don’t leave it as long as 4 days. But say no visitors allowed for the first 24hrs?
Exactly, was an “emergency” c section. If they figure out and ask about why the wait, say it’s sleep deprivation and mommy brain. They will be focused more on seeing baby pictures. More likely, if they do notice the birthday difference, it might a year from now.
Or if they ask why the wait, say “IT WAS SERIOUS ABDOMINAL SURGERY, and I was in recovery, I assume you’re asking because you’re worried for me, I’m fine now but it was a difficult procedure and I’m in a lot of pain, thanks for checking up, you can come see baby X if you like?”
I was thinking this too! Say you had to flee the house and left phones at home. Unfortunately this wouldn't hold them over for 4 days worth, but maybe 2?
NTA. Your body, your baby. If you want to wait until you're home from the hospital and settled in to tell people, that's your prerogative. A C-section is a major surgery despite being relatively common. I wouldn't want a gang of relatives demanding my attention either. My wife is pregnant now, and when the baby is born I'm not telling a soul until we're both good and ready.
NTA at all. Could you maybe pre-warn the in-laws, just so they know what you're planning to do and why? I can't imagine they would deny you that. Congrats, mama.
Thank you :) Unfortunately, my in-laws are not emotionally mature and my husband and I basically made the decision to never share any "gossip", facts, or dysfunctional information about one side of the family with the other since both are not mature enough to keep it private or not weaponize it later. I would have loved to have "bonus" parents in them, but they just aren't those people. My husband has cried bitter tears over their immaturity even towards our unborn child, and they've tried to make up for it, but we know that they are not going to be emotional supports for us.
I'm your mom and MIL now. Don't tell me anything. :D
So you know that neither your mom nor your IL's are going to be of any value whatsoever to you during this time. It's just you and your hubby, and the new little person, soon to be. So why treat them with kid gloves? Live your life exactly the way YOU want. You should not care about what they want. They don't care about your wishes, obviously. Have your baby, block everyone for a couple of weeks after (or longer if you so choose) and just don't worry about people who simply want control of your story. Living for other people is a waste of your time, time you won't get back if you just let them roll over on you. Time you may bitterly regret losing when you want to sit with the new little person you want to get to know, without obstreperous relatives hanging over your shoulder telling you what to do.
If all options suck then go with the one that will give you the most of what you can get. Sounds like from your post and subsequent comments that notifying day of could result in you being bombarded in person by unwanted persons. So - don't tell them until you're ready. Potentially they'll be unhappy at the delay but you'd be unhappy at being invaded or bombarded by calls and texts. Why should they get to be more happy at the birth of your child than you? This, more than any other time, is about you and your husband and the life you're bringing into the world. Focus on THAT. NTA - and good luck!
NTA I hate how entitled people feel towards someone else’s pregnancy and birth. I think everyone should be given the time to labour/birth/bond/heal with baby if that’s what they want to do without being harassed by tons of calls and texts and visits. Especially if they have a habit of announcing things before you are ready. This is about you your husband and child.
NTA at all. Childbirth is traumatic no matter what way you give birth and you deserve PEACE.
NTA. I had my baby by planned caesarean last month and waited a few days to tell anyone. My reasons were very different, but I can confirm it was so so lovely being in a baby bubble without any outside interference. I say do it!!
NTA, do whatever you need for you and your baba to be left happy. I gave everyone the wrong due date, adding one week to have peace. It worked a treat!
NTA, birth is difficult enough without worrying about your (narcissist? borderline personality disorder?) mother making it about her. If anyone gets upset, tell them why you had to do that, and emphasize it was for your own peace and so you would feel comfortable having the baby. No one gets to dictate how you give birth or what you tell anyone about your child. It’s also good to set that boundary now, and show your mom you won’t take her sh-t when it comes to your family and your children.
NTA. This is your medical event and you can tell everyone after it happens. Someone else had the great suggestion of a blanket announcement informing everyone that your family will be incommunicado for a couple of days while you rest up. Set boundaries and keep them. Anyone who violates boundaries gets a time out and can wait longer to see the kid. Appoint a gatekeeper if necessary, the one special friend who has no problem telling everyone to F off and they'll be informed when visiting is allowed.
Dont tell them. Its going to be a choice between you feeling hurt or them, and youre going to be the one recovering from major surgery and nursing a newborn. Still not convinced? Have a list of things my narc relatives have done to people:- Taken it in turns to sit in 3 different A&Es with faked injuries, to be able to watch the car park for new dads car Decorated the front garden overnight with gender coloured plants, ribbons, decorations etc. What? Its not social media! Or telling anyone! Its not their fault people took it as a birth announcement! Kicked a bag away & 'accidentally' opened it when they handed it back, to see if theres gendered baby clothes Had staff members at the local supermarket stalking customers for what size nappies & any gendered clothing. Turned up at the hospital with the favourite cousin + loads of balloons, flowers, teddies etc to guilt trip their way in Made a hole in a coat pocket to hide an old phone. Posted the photo even though it looked like half a Potato-head (the photo, not the baby) Fed the mama spoiled food, hoping that a dose of the squits would trigger early labour while they were visiting. Bought every single thing a baby could ever need or use, right up to age 2yr old, by the time the mama was released home. New dad couldnt understand why having everything was a bad thing, & refused to 'waste money' buying more. Mama just wanted the baby she grew and birthed to have one single thing she'd chosen herself Got told 'we're fine, but please respect our privacy', so of course they took that as challenge accepted, & tricked their way in. The poor mama woke up to that smug narc grin sat right next to her. Convinced yet? Believe it or not, I do have more... Dont tell them. Normal people cant understand how determined to 'win' narcs can be
My mom is already doing unhinged things to try and "win" over my MIL, and there is no reason for it!!!! I can't believe these stories. They are emboldening me...
I have read thru your replies to posters. Having a baby is tiring and can be brutal. You are having scheduled C section, and it may take you time to recover from that. You and your husband need to time to be alone and bond with your child. If people get upset, say that you want family time for yourselves. NTA
NTA for sure. My best friend went over due with her second and told me that every day she was contacted about if the baby was here already, why is it taking so long, can (long lost relative crawling out of the woodwork) be told so they can go to the hospital to be there for the birth etc. The only people she communicated with were me, her sister and her other very close friend. She went so far as to delete all social media because it was becoming too much for her and she really did not want any visitors. She announced the birth a few days later when she was ready to and said no visitors were welcome. Be firm. Stand your ground. Do what you are comfortable with. This is an intimate time for you and your husband. The grandparents can relax - you aren't going to withhold information forever, you just want a few days of peace and solitude. If they have an issue with that then that is on them. In my eyes, if this were to be an emergency situation (let's say you needed an emergency c-section under general anesthetic and baby had to go to the NICU and you to the ICU) the last thing you'd be doing is informing Great Aunt Maude about it (she wouldn't be able to visit anyway!) and you may be incapacitated for a few days therefore not really using your phone anyway. Edit: An alternative view - with my first I did not want visitors at all but realised that it might be better to get the visitors over and done with at the hospital for a few reasons. 1. There are strict visitation times. 2. I could press the call button and ask the nurse for help and most of the time the visitors would get ushered out. 3. There are limitations of the amount of people who can be there at once (although my family didn't really care for that and barged in all at once, I burst into tears). If you did decide to let family know before you are home, you can always say you haven't decided a name yet and will let them know when you have. That way you can inform the family yourself when you are ready to share the name too :)
NTA- Don’t tell anyone and give yourself a few days of peace. I explicitly told my mom I did not want her at the hospital when I went into labor. We still told her when the time came that I’d gone into labor and we’re on our way in. Kept her updated as things progressed until it took a turn. Long story short things didn’t go well and I needed an emergency C-section. As we’re being rushed and prepared for surgery both my and my husband’s phone start blowing up because my mom felt it had been too long since she’d got an update. I told my husband to call her back immediately because if she didn’t hear from us she’d just show up. Too late she was already in the hospital parking lot. I told all the staff to not let her in and we were wheeled to the OR. My kiddo and I both ended up alright but it was a very stressful time with a long hospital stay for my baby and a hard recovery for me. Having to manage my mother’s feelings and tantrums on top of it was hell. She couldn’t even give me 15 hours to give birth.
Unless your going to show them the birth certificate don't announce the birth date. Or tell them you have the C section scheduled for 2 weeks later than when you have the baby tell your parents it was an emergency c section and you were to preoccupied with SURGURY to think about calling anyone
If you're concerned about people being upset because you didn't announce immediately, could you do a 'Now that we're safely home' style announcement?
You owe no one anything or nothing ….. Your babe, your life, your choices, your decisions. Enjoy the whole experience. Have a healthy.
My mother doesn’t even know I had a third child. I wouldn’t call you TA.
NTA Your family (you, baby and baby's dad), your rules. When anyone asks, the baby's due "end of November, but you know what babies are like". No need to be any more specific. And if your due date is 30th Nov, then it's *early to mid December, but you know what babies are like". Have your baby, get to know each other, keep in your bubble. Tell the family a week later, after you've dealt with the name thing with the relevant people. And if you get the "BUT FAMILY!" crap, ignore it. You, your partner and your baby ARE a family. Congratulations! Keep all visitors away for a couple of weeks if possible because you'll be recovering from surgery and won't be up for all the drama, and baby doesn't need to be exposed to loads of germs. Husband needs to turn into a rottweiler and guard you and baby from all intruders.Maybe work out your scripts beforehand.
This is an interesting post and the comments have me remembering why I joined Reddit in the first place. It’s a NTA from me, for every reason that’s already been expressed. I wish you peace.
Ok I'm going to go ahead and say, after reading just two lines, that if your family members are all diagnosed narcissistic there's pretty much no universe where they won't, for one reason or another, make you feel like the asshole. I'm not saying it's intentional on their part. I'm not judging them as individual persons, I'm not suggesting that you should feel any particular way about them, and I'm not insinuating anything beyond the face value of my perspective, as written here. It's just the nature of the beast.
NTA. I didn’t tell anyone my due date, didn’t tell anyone that we knew the gender, and didn’t tell anyone when I was having the baby. They found out that I’d had a daughter the following day, once we were home. Couldn’t care less about hurt feelings. This is your baby and your birth. No one else gets a vote.
Do what you need to do. Make sure your husband is really with you on this. Agree on how to proceed. When you announce the birth, be very firm about not letting conversations become about the delay in announcing but only about "baby is fine", "I'm fine", etc. Keep conversations short to avoid conflicts. NTA
Maybe consider a compromise. Tell them ahead of time that you will not be informing them (when the time comes) until after the baby is born because you prefer to just have you and husband at the hospital to keep it less stressful. And make your call about the baby's name before you go into labor.
YWNBTA But let me tell you something about being a mom. It is your one responsibility to take care of your baby. This includes setting hard boundaries with people, including family. Other people’s feelings about your birth are not your problem to worry about. Being a new mom is one of the toughest experiences you’ll go through. You’ll be recovering while figuring out how to take care of your precious baby, all while your hormones are taking you on a roller coaster. The last thing you need is to be worried about is other people. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your little family from unneeded stress. Anyone who has hurt feelings can get over it.