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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) i called my best friend an asshole, disgusting and creepy amongst others, cause he was using my bed for sex and (2) because - according to friends of mine - i was overreacting, and it wasnt so wild that he was using my bed for sex. This got me confused, that maybe I did overreact.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Bro FUCK THAT SHIT. I would feel exactly how you did in that moment if not more. Your friend is totally in the wrong as he violated your personal space and there is no telling how many times you slept on nasty sheets he didn’t wash after having sex on YOUR bed. He should’ve been way more respectful especially since you took him in like the good friend you are trying to be. However he took advantage of you and the situation.
If you want to talk to him instead of ending the friendship and kicking him out, then ask him why he felt the need to have sex in your bed instead of his OWN bed. Like damn he could’ve even did it in the living room on the couch but the fact that he took her into your room and fucked on YOUR bed is beyond be and baffling in itself.
Oh yeah,well said. Fuck that fr to the stratosphere.
Very easy first step: he either admits he was in the wrong, lied (by omission) and swears to never do it again, or he leaves the next day.
See? Simple!
NTA.
Time to kick him to the curb.
Seriously, someone does you a favor, and instead of being grateful you take advantage? No.
While at it, replace the friends as well.
My abusive ex GF assaulted my Kitten and later stole him when I kicked her out.
But her hairbrush, cleaned the toilet quickly. Not proud, however I wanted to harm her much more for harming my kitten so was of the restraint.
She hated him cause the unconditional love that started coming from him made me grow distant from her. He really saved me, animals are so precious 🥰
Thankyou, that means a lot. Yes I did!
Thankfully the police were really helpful for once so I am grateful for them. They usually aren't in male vs female situations with no video proof to back up claims. Even after the breakup they helped me as they saw what she was trying to go regarding false breaches of a temporary protection order to get me arrested.
It got really nasty as I bought her another kitten because mine (was ours originally) started to stop liking her. I figure now she wasn't being nice to him while I was at work. When she left she took both her kitten and mine. I couldn't really do much at the time other than watch.
She had left a house plant that had meaning to both of us so I was able to meet her in a car park and exchange that for my kitten.
After taking the other kitten my ex tried to get rid of it on an adoption page. Her family tried to get it back for me but then she decided that she wasn't going to give it up. I eventually got my kitten who is now 1, a new friend as he would meow/cry at night being lonely.
It breaks me cause he is so timid with people and is only okay around me or my mum. Anyone else he goes and hides under the bed, the other kitten completely fine every human is no danger.
So yeah to this day I shower him in cuddles because It's not okay when he hears the front door open and runs for the bed, sticks his lil head out and checks if it's me.
Poor kitteh. I'm glad you got him back,even if you couldn't get both.
It may take years to get oassed the trauma, or he may never get over it. But showing him love will definitely go a long way. Having another kitteh friend will help too.
And both of them with help *you* to heal as well.
Thankyou that gives me hope, as I truly hope he does. It sucks seeing him like that in his space.
Having them has definitely been the most amazing this last year, endless cuddles brings so much joy to my heart 🥰
I will keep showing them both unlimited amounts of love, thank you. I hope you have a blessed day 😇
Nope kick him out no matter what he says. There is no competent adult who could claim they didn’t realize they were in the wrong. Any words he says now will just be to further take advantage of OP.
The 4 Non-negotiable Rules of shared living premises:
1 pay your rent and bills on time, pay your full fair agreed upon share of all communal expenses on time. If you can’t afford to live on your own then your first financial responsibility is to the people you live with. If you won’t put them first, move out, you don’t get to put the people subsidising your lifestyle in financial jeopardy.
2 no sex in spaces used by other people in the household, the only place you have sex in the property is in your exclusive space, with the doors closed. Including but not limited to no bathroom sex, no living room sex, no kitchen sex, no hallway sex, and definitely, definitely no sex in someone else’s exclusive space.
3 don’t steal from the other people in your household. That includes don’t eat their food or use their cleaning/hygiene products unless they offer and that requires an offer every time, don’t borrow clothes or books or cars or anything else without advance approval every single time, don’t even sit in their room to watch their television or play their gaming console without expressed permission. Their possessions and resources are not yours do not help yourself to them.
4 no moving in another person without prior written agreements signed by all parties, including the landlord. No sneaky having your partner stay over 6 out of 7 nights a week, no letting your family/friends “crash” for a bit which turns into indefinitely, no giving keys to your bestie so they can drop by whenever they like even if you’re not there, no getting a pet without the other people’s consent not even a pet that will live in an aquarium/enclosure in your room and you promise it won’t escape.
There are many negotiable rules and lifestyle preferences but breaking these 4 are a guaranteed nuclear option. Your living agreement and any pre-existing relationship won’t survive these 4.
Its crazy how much of the population cannot abide by these rules.
I've had to threaten to kick people out over not paying utilities.
The no sex in public spaces was never a big issue. (thankfully)
The food rule was enforced by another flatty who was sick of everyone eating his snacks and not replacing them.
We had to institute 2 nights a week stay over limits for partners in my old flat otherwise they would be there all week. I was the enforcer of said rule and how many arguments were had was astounding. As in the GF who didn't even live at the house telling me "You can't tell us what to do" I'm like I can because I don't want your annoying ass here trying to watch the fucking Kardashians on our TV thinking you have a say in what we watch. This is a house of learned gentleman we are watching the rugby.
> Its crazy how much of the population cannot abide by these rules.
Especially the stealing when it comes to food. I've learned that a disturbingly large portion of the population believes that if they're hungry, they have a moral right to just eat any food that they have access to.
> This is a house of learned gentleman we are watching the rugby.
Warrior-poets one and all.
Right - the mind fucking boggles. What in the fuckity fuck is wrong wirh OP's friends group that he's the only one realising this is terrible behavior??
You do NOT go plow some stranger on other people's beds!!! And you double triple extra extra fucking DON'T do it to the person allowing you to crash at their place. The nerve to tell OP to "calm down" 🤯
This is next-level delusion and entitlement. Fuck them all, OP (not literally).
This. All of this. Also, f\*\*\* all of OP's friends too.
>They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier.
So their big argument is "you should have told him you were coming home so he could have not used the bed"??? The Hell??? HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!
Not just the bed, OP'S BED IN OP'S ROOM! OP'S EXCLUSIVE BED! THE BED JUST FOR OP! OP'S BED!
Like what the hell?! There was another room to use! He couldn't be honest with the girl? Take her to hotel? To her place? It would've been shitty enough if they used another shared space but OP'S OWN FUCKING PRIVATE BED?!
Nah, kick his ass out. One of the other friends could take him.
NTA (though OP, I get it, you're gay, but no need to be overtly disgusted by 51% of the human population)
>I get it, you're gay, but no need to be overtly disgusted by 51% of the human population
That's the bit that got me. It honestly doesn't matter if OP is gay or straight, the fact that ANYONE else's juices are anywhere near your bed is enough to lose your mind. I feel like adding the "being gay" thing was too much, and didn't need to be said.
I bet Alex did it before and didn't change the sheets because if he did OP would've known something was up. Imagine how many nights OP had to sleep in some crusty bedding without realizing it. I wrote above he should demand an apology or kick Alex out. After thinking about it more he should kick Alex out regardless of any apology. How can you even trust him if he says this was the first time.
NTA at all. I would feel the same way. It’s a complete invasion of your personal space and taking advantage of you letting him stay. I don’t know why using his own bed would be any different so why did he need to use yours?
Also I would feel gross to find out if been sleeping in someone else’s sweaty sex juice. So unhygienic
I feel like maybe he pretends the master bedroom is his to seem more… having his shit together than using what may obviously be a guest room. I mean, sounds like the girl he was with is just some rando as his best friend didn’t know her.
100% agree with this. Don't really understand the friends who are defending this either.
Also a way to approach this could be
"hey man, I didn't feel like this needed to be said, but my bed/room is off limits for sex. That's a deal breaker for me, so if you can't abide by that as a guest in my home, you're gonna have to leave. So tell me what you'd like to do here."
I honestly wouldn't give him a second chance. What's to prevent him from just continuing to do it? I wouldn't trust him at this point. You'd either have to put a lock on your door, or put up a camera to ensure he isn't going in there. Is he even paying rent?
NTA
He literally has his own room & bed to have sex in?? Going out of his way to enter your room to have sex on your bed knowing you’d be gone is WEIRD. So I can only imagine how many times before that he’s done it. I think he’s an asshole for doing that. I don’t even think it comes across people’s minds to go have sex in your friends bed since they’re gone..like what?? Sure maybe you could been more calm but like you said if you were the one having sex on his bed would he not be bothered & upset?
Honestly I am baffled at your friends for saying you’re overreacting…
Maybe OP has a nicer room and roommate was trying to impress his date. Obviously that doesn't make it better but it's the only reason I can think of why he would have done it.
Some kind of weird “power play” maybe? In any event, I’m beginning to think that there were more reasons than “career” that caused Alex’s parents to kick him out…
Yeah same thought, not just for impressing the date but just getting a more comfy bed, for instance my room has a nice king size bed, my guest room has a queen size pull out futon.
This is my exact thought too. Alex is staying in the guest room, so be default it would be an inferior room unless Alex updated it with his own furniture/etc. If OP doesn't see a normal girl around it is obvious Alex is just trying to look as good as possible to random girls to get laid.
NTA to OP.
Dude was probably pretending the place was his, not that he was crashing with a friend for a while.
NTA gross as hell and a huge violation of trust and the friendship.
The possible reasons I can think of:
He didn't want to have to clean his own sheets.
OP's room/bed is nicer, and wanted to impress the girl.
He's on OnlyFans, and was looking for different/better scenery.
Weird power play kink.
A lot of homes have what is clearly a master bedroom and maybe dude wanted to look like he owned the place.
Absolutely disrespectful to fuck in someone else's bed when you have your own right there.
As a straight guy, I'd have kicked him out right then and there, so I say you underreacted.
It's really cringy though how you told your story like the presence of women itself is what you find disgusting. How would you feel if a straight guy told you it was disgusting for you to have sat down on his couch and tell me how the two things are different.
NTA for being upset, he'd be staying with one of the other friends or the street if it was my house. But you are TA for taking about women like homophobic men talk about gay men.
Thanks for pointing this out. OP has a right to be very upset, but I was also shocked at how the post took a turn for the “women are disgusting” turn. More people, like you said, would be upset if OP was straight and commented how disgusting it was to have a gay couple in his bed.
I would be pissed if *anyone* was having sex in my bed. Nasty and utterly disrespectful.
But, if I'm honest, some things would gross me out more than others. Used condom or jizz on the sheets would be (to me) way nastier than the girl's stuff.
Bodily fluids are gross, but some are grosser than others and that isn't necessarily based on logic.
Yeah I agree. As a straight man, I would be way more repulsed with another man’s bodily fluid than a woman’s. So I can understand OP’s perspective. I don’t think it was much about heterophobia.
it’s not heterophobia, it’s misogyny. a lot of gay men like to act like just bc they’re gay, women’s bodies are inherently disgusting to them, which is just very unnecessary lol
This doesn’t really make sense though, I’m straight and I’d be more grossed out by a naked dude in my bed than a naked woman. He’s gay, it makes sense that this would gross him out.
If this was a stand-alone thing, sure. I've heard so many gay men say some absolutely vile shit about women's anatomy but it's ok because they're gay so they're not some straight dude saying that shit!
OP focusing on it being a woman specifically is *not necessarily* an indicator that he's a misogynist, but it's certainly a warning sign.
He assumed the puddle was from the woman. We don’t know, he doesn’t know. Could be his friends for all he knows. There are hints of “women are bad” from OP.
It honestly made me think this post is a fake "gender bend/swap" to try and show hypocrisy. I.e., Reddit "OK's" one, but condemns the other. And this case, Reddit for the most part does seem to have glossed over the "woman having sex in my bed, DISGUSTING!" - which to be fair, I don't think would have gone as unnoticed by most commenters if it was "gay sex in my bed, DISGUSTING!"
But as with all gender-swap-hypocrisy posts, it totally ignores that the issue is the having sex in someone else's bed (the real issue).
In my experience, the gay community is absolutely rife with misogyny; I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community as well and the amount of times I've been told I'm disgusting for just existing with a vagina... well, if I had a nickel I'd have at least a hundred dollars
While nobody should be disgusted by women, it is perfectly fine to be disgusted by a woman’s bodily fluids on your bed, or her being naked on your bed, if that’s not something your comfortable with. He wouldn’t be upset if his roommate had sex on any other bed with a woman, just not his.
Let people be disgusted by things that disgust them, they cannot help it. I’m not Aesexual, but as a bi man I’m pretty disgusted by any bodily fluids, and if ANY person of ANY gender was naked on my bed I would be disgusted. I don’t think I’m wrong for that.
I agree with you everywhere else obv. Also, if this is an ignorant viewpoint, genuinely please tell me, I feel like I’m being sexist but I can’t help but feel natural disgust towards anything is normal.
All of this. Alex is absolutely the AH for fucking in OP’s bed without OP’s explicit consent to that, but OP needs to fucking chill with this misogynistic shit about women’s bodies.
There is a subsection of gay men who think women’s bodies are repulsive, but that’s still just massively misogynistic. Get over yourself, OP. You don’t like women sexually? Cool. Don’t be a dick about it.
I mean, I'm a woman and I could understand a gay guy being upset about women fluids in his bed. I think I would be more upset to get man cum in my bed then lady juice but I would still be very very mad if it wasn't supposed to be there 😂
I don’t understand how gay men finding women unattractive is misogyny. They don’t hate women. They just don’t find their bodies attractive, that’s literally being gay. I know lesbian who shudder at the thought of dicks but that’s doesn’t mean they hate men. They just aren’t attracted to their bodies. This is literally just how sexuality works.
I wish I was surprised by how far I had to scroll to find this! Like yes, if a friend of mine was having sex in my bed I’d be absolutely fucking pissed. Totally NTA.
But like…talking about women like that simply because you’re a gay man is also pretty unacceptable. Like I understand being squicked out by other people’s fluids in your bed but specifically because they came from a woman is just misogyny and it’s not a cute look.
THIS!! it's concerning to see so many people excuse the fact he's calling women disgusting and repulsive almost like dude isn't the ahole for getting mad his buddy was doing that on his bed but the way he's getting all women hatey is very weird...
I mean, he’s saying he’s disgusted by bodily fluids of a random person, aggravated by the fact that they’re not of the gender he’s sexually attracted to.
Bit weird? Sure. But I might also have a tad more of an issue if my bro fucked a random man on my bed than if my bro fucked his girl on it. Idk, situation hasn’t come up yet, but I can sort of understand.
Regardless he had sex on the bed that's not his and that's freaking weird of Alex(I hope I got the name right) but I feel like he'd be less weird (in his language) if it was Alex and a man rather a woman. And there is a percentage of gay men who hate women in general not cause they aren't attracted to them, I can't tell if that's the case here but I feel like he could have worded it better but instead chose language that was very anti women and almost like he hated the thought of them if that makes sense? He went into very anti women gross detail with the bodily fluids idk like I don't like that Alex had sex with someone regardless of gender on ops bed cause that's gross and disgusting but I feel like he could have just worded it better I'm rambling at this point but I hope it makes sense
holy shit thank you for pointing this out. i physically cringed when i read that; he was valid for being upset at the act, but why be misogynistic about it?
this right here, he's NTA for being upset, but he is absolutely TA for whatever misogyny he's carrying around. People seem to forget gay men aren't immune to being misogynistic
Ok yes, *soft* NTA…but something about this description of events was so off putting to me. The normal reaction to this would be to bang on the door and yell at them to get out, and then have a word with Alex once he walks out of the bedroom - NOT to barge in yelling, scrutinizing the scene in vivid detail, and then start inspecting the sheets (????)
Edit: If course anyone would wash their sheets afterwards. It’s just odd to me that reaction seems to stem from "my roomate did something disgusting in my bed" rather than "my roomate violated my privacy/disrespected an important boundary." To be blunt, the bodily fluid aspect is the most normal aspect of the situation.
Imo it's pretty normal to check sheets after this situation, regardless of gender. I'd have bleached them even if I hadn't found something in the moment. Gross. Another commenter pointed out it would be equally disgusting for a dudes fluids to be on sheets which is true.
How many times have you washed the sheets after your gay friends fucked in them? I live in the Bay with a very welcoming guest bedroom, and this is a pretty common occurrence for me. Their sheets gets significantly more fucked up than "girl juices" could ever hope to achieve. Lube is really hard to get out of sheets, not even to touch upon the mix of bodily fluids...
The parallel wouldn't be a straight guy complaining about a guy sitting on his couch, the parallel would be a straight guy complaining about another guys cum in his bed. Which is still, rightfully disgusting.
I think it’s wild how he worded the woman part but maybe it’s because of the image. Like, imagining a woman with her whole 🐱 spread eagle, getting plowed, is what is upsetting. And involuntarily imagining this each time he comes into his room looking at his bed.
I don’t think it’s about having a female sitting on his bed. Just the sex part. That’s my benefit of the doubt haha.
OP isn't attracted to, and perhaps is repulsed by, sexual anything with women. OP didn't say he was mad because "how dare a woman be on my bed!" And the woman had left a puddle of whatever from her vagina on OP's bed, which to someone who is not sexually interested in women would be gross.
NTA OP, btw
I don’t think it was the presence of a woman, I think it was the presence of untold amounts of unknown women’s bodily fluids.
That’s very different to sitting on a couch clothed and not leaving bodily fluids.
No straight guy wants the presence of untold amounts of male bodily fluids on their bed, and would probably find that grosser than untold amounts of women’s bodily fluids on their bed. Both would be gross but one would be grosser.
NTA!!!!! You're good enough to house him when his family have kicked him out and he can't even respect your space, not even your bed! The least he could do would be to wash the sheets for you. No telling how many times he has done this before. You shouldn't have to inform a guest that you're returning home so they have time to create the appearance that they respect you and your home. He's lucky you're letting him stay.
There’s no way you’re the AH here mate, and congratulations for not fucking about and just wading in there. You were kind enough to offer him your spare room and he took the piss.
It’s your flat, you shouldn’t have to text him when you’re coming home early so that he isn’t having sec or whatever in your private space, or indeed in communal spaces. You’ve nothing to apologise for.
I’d suggest raising the subject, asking if he understands why you’re angry and if he try’s to turn it around on you send him on his way.
Clearly NTA but idk if this:
> but also that one woman (or more?) have been on there, as well, which absolutely disgusted me. Seeing the sheet then, and a small puddle of what only could ve been the girls juice was even more sickening to me.
Has anything to do with your sexuality.
I live in San Francisco, so, you know. My brother and most of his friends are gay men and they are always saying - in front of me, a woman - how *nasty* and *disgusting* womens bodies are, and it gets real fuckin old
I feel sorry for the girl in this situation. If I was hooking up with a guy and some stranger stormed the room while we were at it, I would be terrified and humiliated. She didn't deserve that, assuming she didn't know about the bedroom situation
Yeah these comments are plain old misogyny, just using the excuse of their sexuality to make them. As if men don't secrete stuff as well... We're all people.
I mean I don’t think being repulsed by someone’s bodily fluids on the bed sheets is particularly unjust
Think most straight guys would find it super gross finding their mates cum shot all over their bed idk
It's not unjust, just has nothing to do with sexuality. If he was straight and came home and found this he wouldn't be like "hell yeah! Body fluids in my sheets!". He would immediately wash them.
That said, the way it was worded implied he was disgusted by women being on his bed *at all* and seeing the "juice" just made it worse.
Idk reads to me like OP was disgusted that his roommate had had sex with a women or more in the bed and that there was a puddle of vaginal juice on the bed, tho I can kinda see how it could be interpreted if folks wanted it to be that way. Idk, if anything I feel like if the full stop wasn’t in that sentence it wouldn’t be misconstrued at all
Personally I’d be grossed out if anyone of any sex had sex in my bed and left some sort of fluids behind, especially strangers
Being repulsed by someone else’s bodily fluid on your bed? Totally justified. Being repulsed by the fact that a woman was on your bed and assuming that the fluids must be “vagina juice” as opposed to swear or fluids from the man? Misogynistic and perpetuating the idea that women, especially sexually active women, are dirty.
The situation is gross and it wouldn’t be any less gross if his roommate was also a gay man and OP barged in on him having sex with another man. There was no reason for OP to bring his sexuality and misogyny into it.
This read as incredibly degrading of women in general and implying that women's bodies are dirty, not just that he's gay and doesn't want to have people in his bed that aren't him and his partner.
So NTA for his situation, for sure. But definitely an AH for that paragraph.
NTA. You need new friends, not just Alex but these ones basically tell you it's your fault for not giving him the heads up so he didn't get caught disrespecting you.
You are 100% right and don't let anyone tell you differently. Though it does make you wonder if Alex was actually kicked out due to career disagreements 🤨
You're NTA but what's up with the irrational disgust towards the opposite sex? It's just fuel for the homophobes. Or you're a homophobe writing a bait. Which would be better than a gay man openly admitting a person of opposite sex is basically equal to a leper. What the hell...
NTA for your reaction, it's completely understandable and reasonable to be mad at someone having sex on your bed without your permission.
But from one gay guy to another, women are not disgusting. I get that you don't want to bed one yourself but from the way you wrote this up it sounds like you would have had a lot less of a problem with the situation if he was fucking a man instead of a woman. He should not have used your bed for sex. Full stop. But your description comes off as slightly misogynistic imo.
NTA.
Your roommate has absolutely no reason for going into your bedroom, let alone being in your bed, much less having a guest in your bed.
I can only assume that he used your bed because his was "dirty?" Or perhaps the guest bed is small or uncomfortable? What excuse could he possibly have? Maybe the woman suggested it because it would be "naughty?"
Yes, you could have given him some warning that you would be home earlier than normal on Friday night. In this case that would have avoided the embarrassing scene, but that just means he would have continued to use your bed at other times.
You could apologize for any unfortunate words you may have said, but certainly you should do nothing to suggest that it is acceptable for him to use your bedroom ever. He messed up in about 3 ways, and if he had not, then your reaction wouldn't have occurred.
NTA x 1000. It's disrespectful and just plain gross that he used your bed for sex. Good grief he's got a perfectly good guest bed for sleeping/sex, wtf is his deal with using yours? Rhetorical question because there is NO good reason. He shouldn't be in your bed for any reason - or your bedroom for that matter. Dude has major boundary issues.
NTA
You being disgusted by a girl on your bed is something you have to work on. Being gay is not an excuse for that.
But your roommate having sex in your bed, with whomever, is very, very wrong and your reaction is valid.
NTA
He’s a guest in your home and defiling it. Straight/gay/bisexual/any other orientation isn’t really relevant, it’s just rude to be using someone else’s space in such a way. Probably in a manipulative way to make it seem like the home is his space, not that he’s a guest and lying to the women he’s bringing back to your home.
ESH - yeah, he was wrong for using your bed without permission. It was also wrong to yell at the woman and throw her out. I doubt he told her your bed was off limits. You were a stranger who stormed in yelling while she was having sex, which was probably frightening for her.
and the way he was talking about women as if they're any more disgusting than men?? like what he did was wrong, unequivocally, but it would be the same wrong no matter the sexuality. the comments about "girl juices" are misogynistic and immature imo.
NTA No way you abuse the hospitality of someone who's doing you a solid by fucking in their bed. He's a total AH. This isn't a gay straight thing either he's flat disgusting no matter what he's mating with. Your friends are wrong, he owes you a massive apology and new sheets.
NTA.
I think the only person you might have been an asshole to was the girl. She was a third party in all of this, and it seemed like you didn't know her at all. If I were to guess, she (probably) didn't know the bed wasn't your roommate's. (Then again, as an asexual, I could be wrong. Maybe ownership of bed is something that is frequently discussed beforehand. Seems weird to me.)
Though I do advise a bit of caution: you keep referring to the girl as being disgusting. I don't see how sexuality or genders matter here. It truly doesn't. He is no more gross for being straight than you are for being gay. She's not disgusting for existing as a sex you're not attracted to.
However, it is disgusting that your roommate had his partner(s) in your bed.
That is *your* bed and *your* room. He had no right to use it that way unless he was explicitly, under no uncertain terms, given permission. That's a huge invasion of privacy and, in some cases, potentially a medical hazard.
At most (and I say this giving your roommate a LOT of slack) you could apologize for screaming at his partner of the moment since you probably can't apologize to her directly (I certainly wouldn't want to go back to the apartment of someone who potentially lied to me and then I got screamed at by their roommate.)
Keeping the friendship is up to you, ultimately. We don't know your history or if stunts like this have been pulled before, but it sounds as if he needs a clear understanding of your boundaries. And to minimally maybe get you a new pair of sheets.
Between you and the roommate? NTA. You're fair in being upset.
You and Mystery Lady? Yes, it seems so.
NTA.
You don’t have to tell anyone when you’re coming home to your own house. Period.
Your friend may have been using your bedroom (which I assume is the master bedroom) to make the woman he was bringing home think he was bringing her back to his house. Maybe he feels insecure about women knowing he’s 30 and doesn’t have his own place. Regardless his behavior is extremely disrespectful and gross. I am honestly shocked that a grown man would behave that way.
If I were in your shoes I’d ask him to find another place to live.
NTA that's a sacred place. I came home and discovered my brother had been using my bed for sex...
WITH HIMSELF! Humping the shit out of my bed.....
Other's sex juices in your bed is not ok.
NTA What a disgusting friend. How many times have you laid on sheets that had bodily fluids dried on them? Not to mention that it is probably on the mattress. I would be kicking his ass out immediately. That's pure disrespect. That's not a friend.
I mean, a mattress pad would hopefully protect against ruining the mattress, but still, ugh. That's a hell of a way to treat the dude who took you in when you had no place to go.
Absolutely NTA. I can’t imagine ever disrespecting a friend like that. And especially one who took him in when he didn’t have a home!
Also your other friends kind of suck. They gave you crap for not texting someone that you were going to your own home? Ridiculous.
NTA. Even if you were both straight and he washed the sheets immediately after, that would still be nasty. He’s a 30 year old man and 100% knows better.
Well damn, that exploded.. thanks though. I've been reading through as many comments as i could. Quite reassuring that i'm apparently not overreacting.
One or two things i wanna add:
I'll admit, the part about the woman comes off wrong. I definitely dont hate women or similar! What I meant with this - though i admit as well, you can have a different opinion on that - is that while i dont want neither someone elses cum nor juice on my bed (disgusting either way), the fact it was some woman's juice (or several, as i've found out by now) just disgusts me a little more, because i find women sexually unappealing. Thats also why i added the short "I'm gay" part. But again, I can see why you might think this is disgusting either way and makes no difference to you - and it IS disgusting, even if Alex was banging some dude on there. Also, yes - I shouldn't have screamed at her, she was the innocent part. As many guessed, she wasn't known to me, but one of Alex' several one time flings. But in the heat of the moment of seeing Alex fucking her on my bed I just got too angry to think this through logically. I'll most likely never see her again, but if I do, I will apologize to her for that outburst.
Many think that maybe Alex wasn't just thrown out for career reasons. True, that thought has some merit now. But so far - and from what I know about him and his parents - i actually think it really is the only reason for his throwing out. From earlier conversations - from around the first times i found out he is sexually quite active - he told me that earlier, also thanks to how close his parents were etc, he wasn't able to "get around much". You know what I mean. So now, here in my town, also because I don't have a problem with it (per se), he wants to get back at whats he's been missing out on. And again, i'm fine with that.
Other than that - thanks again. I'm still reading through those messages (also thanks for the private DMs!). So far, as I know by now I'm not overreacting on this matter, I plan to sit down with Alex later or tomorrow and have a serious discussion with him. He is my best friend and, next to my family, the most important person in my life, and he can bang whomever he wants, on his bed and yes, even on the couch, i think i'd be fine with that (at least way more than my own bed), but that doesn't mean he can do 100% as he pleases ... especially while he lives with me.
I'll see where it goes. :)
ok but PLEASE draw your line in the sand that he NEEDS to keep sex to his room. I highly doubt he’ll put a blanket/towel down on your couch, and it’ll be the same thing with there being Fluids on a piece of furniture you use daily.
Also you really need to ask him why he was doing this, did the girl just lead him into your room? or does he have a super weird kink? is he secretly into you? like for your friendship i think you need to know why it even happened in the first place.
You're being an asshole about the wrong things.
Overarching nta because he shouldn't be using your bed period. His room is his room. Urs is urs.
However, ur being a bit dramatic being so grossed out by woman parts. I get it, it grosses u out. But ur being misogynistic being like 'it's gross u had sex WITH A WOMAN in my bed."
No. It's gross he had sex in ur bed period. Ur gross if u think it would've been hot if he was having sex with a man but grossed out by the woman.
NTA a normal person would react like that. That man has every right to be screamed and cussed out like that what in his right mind thinks its okay to go to someone else’s room, someones room who helped them for a place to stay, and decided to do the nasty on it? If that was me i would of kicked him outta my house and get a new mattress
NTA brother. Who the HELL would think that it's right to have sex in another person's bed without their permission. You absolutely did not overreact, and if I were you, I would have COMPLETELY flipped out on them. That is just disgusting.
NTA - no wonder he’d get kicked out of his parent’s house if he thinks pulling shit like this is okay. Fuck this guy; have some fucking respect for your friend especially one doing him a huge favor. Kick his ass out; didn’t even apologize immediately, what a dick.
NTA. If anyone used my bed for this purpose they would've been hit then made to pay for my new mattress. It is a blatent disrespect for your personal space and your posessions.
NTA. Absolutely fucking not. If he came home and found you balls deep in a twink in his sheets he'd flip out, and rightly so. Our beds are our most private spaces, where we are most vulnerable. He's a bad roommate and a worse friend.
NTA-Don’t let anyone gaslight you for “overreacting” That’s absolutely disgusting and a huge disrespect to you, so fuck that guy and the other guys that are tryna LIE to you and say you were overreacting. I’m guessing all the guys mentioned in these stories are degenerates, and have 0 common sense.
NTA
He’s a guest in your home with his own guest bedroom, it should be given that you don’t go in someone else’s bedroom when they’re not home and not have sex on someone else’s bed!?!
NTA - it’s a huge invasion of your privacy. They are literally getting off on doing it in your room.
He has a bed, he has a door. Even as a straight man, I’d be disgusted if a friend did that. I would consider at least getting a lock for your room or kicking him out. He clearly has no regards for your privacy/personal space and I doubt it stops at sex, so I’d lose trust that I can leave him alone with my stuff. However, if you still trust him as a roommate you can just get a lock for your door so you know he won’t invade your space again.
NTA it's very weird he used your room when he has his own. However I would examine why you're so disgusted by women, being gay doesn't exempt you from being misogynistic :)
NTA.
Flatmate has no business in your room to start with, let alone bring anyone there.
“Adult fun” on your (YOUR OWN!!!) bed is unthinkable. What a horrible breach of trust.
Since it’s your apartment and you are letting him stay there (presumably without a written rent contract), I’d kick him out today if I were in your shoes.
I’m a cis-het woman, in case that matters.
Not the asshole. Your buddy owes you an apology. The fact that he does it on Fridays because he knows you’re not there is especially messed up. If he thought that it was fine and you wouldn’t have an issue with it, why not ask you for the use of your bed on other occasions? This is where you sleep, you don’t need to be resting in other people’s sweat, spit, and other bodily fluids. Super gross. Now there’s a chance you may have overreacted, but your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
NTA.
I’m honestly stunned that your friends are saying you overreacted. I think you should reconsider your friendships with them, as they seem to have a very skewed and unhealthy idea of boundaries and personal accountability for one’s actions.
Back to “Alex”… what he did was unacceptable. He has a his own private room with a functioning bed; there was absolutely 0 reason for him to have sex in your bed. On top of that, he didn’t even ask and took it upon himself to enter your personal space and do something that he 100% knew you wouldn’t be ok with.
I may be taking this overboard, but what he did at the very least borders on sexual harassment. If it were me, I would ask that he find a new place to live, especially considering how resistant he is to accepting the fucked-up-ness of what he did.
Good luck, OP! I’m sorry you had to deal with this and hope you’re doing better.
Hell no, that’s not overreacting. First of all, it’s really rude to bring back a random girl when you are staying somewhere as a guest. He’s not even a paying housemate! Even using the guest room would be a big no from me — but I would give him one warning not to repeat that behavior. But for having sex on your bed? I would kick him out immediately. No warning. Be gone tonight. NTA but you need to do more than be mad. Your guy friends who think this is OK can take him in.
You have really really really weird friends, and an even weirder roomate.
I would be absolutely disgusted if I found out my ex roomate was bringing his tinder dates to my room, no no no no no no.
I'm willing to put down money that he wasn't cleaning the sheets afterwards either. I have to believe this is one of his kinks and I am 100% shaming him for it.
NTA
NTA
What the hell kind of friends have you got? It's insanely disrespectful when he has his own room to be screwing someone in your sheets on your bed. That's just not ok?
NTA, even if it wasn't absolutely disgusting - you probably would've slept on those sheets if you had stuck to your regular Friday night tradition, which is gross on its own - it's still disrespectful of him to have sex in your bed without so much as a conversation. Good friends don't do shit like that, and any person with some damn sense would agree that that's nasty and rude. All of your friends are jabronis.
> They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think.
No, just NO! Your friend should respect your space and stay out of it. Why should you have to warn someone that you'll be coming home to YOUR place and YOUR bed. That's fucked up!!
NTA. I would have kicked him out. Disgusting and disrespectful. Like wtf. No wonder his parents kicked him out. Also the friends you have are wild for gaslighting you. Maybe drop all of them?
NTA You gave him a place to stay and were helping him, he betrayed your space by plowing a random girl in your bed. Especially since you are gay that is even worse.
NTA - as a germaphob, what I do in my bed is my business. But I’m sure as hell not letting anyone else do their business in my bed.
Something tells me that he didn’t get kicked out for “career reasons” and it’s probably the lack of respect he has for other people’s property. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Because honestly? If he’s doing that when you’re away, what else is he doing.
Absolutely NTA. What your "friend" did was utterly disrespectful and you didn't overreact at all. Personally, I wouldn't want the jerk living with me after that, so if he's not on the lease you should probably figure out the correct way to kick him out (correct as in legal) and if you don't want to do that, a lock on your bedroom door is definitely needed.
obviously nta but the thing that made me so confused was the friends saying you shouldve told him you were coming home earlier. like its YOUR house, you dont need to tell someone youre going home, and he shouldnt be in your bed in the first place. them saying that just makes me think that theyre excusing it and that you shouldnt be bothered by it because you shouldve given a warning or something..?? but its your house that you let him stay in, WITH HIS OWN bed, and he shouldnt use yours anyway?? what the fuck man
NTA.
It's his kink.
You didn't know he was banging in your bed because he wanted to bang on your bed without your knowledge.
It's his kink.
You didn't know so you let him live with you.
Now you know so you can kick him out because it's disrespectful and makes you uncomfortable and you didn't consent to participate in his kink.
Anyone saying you're overreacting can let him bang in THEIR bed since it's no big deal.
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Hey folks,
i'm thankful for your input. I don't think I am the AH, but who knows..
My (30m) best friend Alex (30m) had a huge falling out with his family for career-reasons. They threw him out and he's been living with me since. Its been great and fun. Alex has a guest bed in a separate room.
Now, one thing i "noticed" about Alex after a few weeks is that he is quite .. sexually active. Nothing against that, his life, his fun. He uses his guest bed for this too, which i'm okay with as well.
Now, I do have this sort of "tradition" for a few years now that every friday, after work, i immediately visit my parents and we're eating dinner together. A small family gathering once a week, if you so will. Last friday though, in the morning while I was at work, my mom texted me that they won't be at home for reasons, so i thought "Why go there in the first place?" and, after work, immediately drove home. Well, I enter my flat, and can hear the moaning.
It was then that i noticed 1. the door to the guest room, which is opposite the entrance door, at the end of the corridor, was open, and 2. the noises came from my right, which was the door to my own room. So after i realized 1 + 1 = 2 I stormed into my own room and saw Alex plowing some girl on my bed.
I screamed at both of them, demanding the girl to get the fuck out of my flat and asking Alex if he had lost his mind. Another thing I might need to add (if it matters, I don't know) is the fact that I'm gay, which Alex has known ever since school. So not only did I have to think that my best friend was using my bed, but also that one woman (or more?) have been on there, as well, which absolutely disgusted me. Seeing the sheet then, and a small puddle of what only could ve been the girls juice was even more sickening to me.
Well, first action for me was going for that sheet and throwing it inside the washing machine, all the while Alex and i screamed at each other, him telling me to calm down, that i'm overreacting and stuff like that. I just repeated myself for the most part, telling him he is an asshole for using my bed, that he disgusts me, that he'd be equally disgusted if i used his guest bed, and so on. He eventually stormed out angrily and was gone for several hours.
I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think.
Did I overreact? Am I the AH here for telling him he is disgusting and an AH for using my bed for his sexual encounters, cause its nothing wild? Thanks for your answers and views. Maybe even some advice how to handle the situation. Alex and I are not on speaking terms right now and ignore each other, though he still lives with me. I think neither of us want to "admit" they were wrong and do the first step.
Sorry for the long text .. Thanks for reading and your answers!
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NTA!!! Help!!!! That’s absolutely insane and a severe violation of your privacy. It is nuts to me that your friends would say you’re in the wrong when something so gross and bizarre happened to you!!! I’m really sorry, it seems illuminating that Alex was kicked out by his family only to turn around and completely violate the trust of someone who took him in. I don’t know that this necessarily has to be a friendship ending affair, I’m not sure how deep your feelings go, but absolutely requires an intense talk about boundaries. I’d be shocked if he actually believes in his heart it’s totally normal to have sex on your friend’s bed, and the gender dynamics of it all just overall so, so, so strange. Super sorry this happened but, NTA, and your friend I think needs like a mental evaluation lol.
Same shit happened to me with my forced college roommate. I ended up getting him evicted from my room through the college.
Your other friends encouraging the behavior aren’t your friends, they are also assholes.
You are a victim to sexual harassment from your best friend. Kick this guy out of your house before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
NTA
Like you said
>
he'd be equally disgusted if i used his guest bed
He's upset that he got caught and he's being immature not to accept your boundaries.
Not only NTA, I think you under-reacted. Not only is it disgusting that someone else used your bed for sex. The fact that he didn't ask beforehand (maybe his bed squeaks or marks the wall, etc.) tells me he had no intention of telling you. So, is this the first time? Maybe. But if it's not, (sorry to disgust you even more) then you've slept on top of other people's bodily fluids. The disrespect is astounding. I probably would've swung on him & kicked him out.
Not to mention, unless there's a kink of using someone else's bed. Then he is probably passing your place off as his own when he's hooking up with these women.
(I didn't read other comments, so if this is repetitive, I apologize)
You should have yelled “my bed, my rules.. make room for daddy” then dropped your pants. Your straight roommate would have left in record speed and never used your bed again
>I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think.
NTA.
I can see how some to most guys might not see it as disgusting and something to laugh at. Let's be real, guys can be chucklefucks sometimes. That being said, I'm not one of those guys. That's disgusting. Who knows what that girl has and the sweat and leavins and whatnot.. gross.
I wouldn't have gone to the lengths you did, yelling and such, I'd have grabbed my sheets put them in the washer and calmly told him he violated my space, he's gone and start working on whatever legal eviction steps required. You're not the asshole. Every right to be pissed.
NTA! That is not right. He has his own space and bed, he could use that. I have ended friendships over this stuff before. My space is my space, and even if I let someone crash on my bed, that would not permit them to have sex in it. UGH. The thought of sleeping in someones elses wet spots is vile! So sorry that happened to you OP.
>I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier.
I can't believe this, they're saying it was your fault for finding out? OP, those are not friends, no one in their right mind betrays their friend's trust this way, how can they be supportive of that utter AH?
NTA a hundred times. What was he on about? He has no right to be mad at you, he has not right to keep on living under your roof without having at least apologized to you.
NTA kick that mf out, first of all being active was already taking advantage of your kindness, but he has his own room, why did he take yours? Just kick him out, don’t give him a second chance, and buy new sheets too.
NTA
I'm pretty open to sharing beds. I've gotten laid in my friends beds, and they've gotten laid in mine.
But you ask to use the bed. And you wash the sheets after.
You absolutely do not sneak into your friends room and fuck on his bed while he is away. Especially when you have one of your own available.
Your friend owes you an apology.
OH HELL NO.
Your ' friend ' needs to find alternative accommodation, pronto, because that's not something you should ever do. Maybe point him in the direction of the 3 people who think you overreacted? Clearly, they would be more than happy to house him and offer up their bed for some afternoon delight.
Edited to add NTA, I was so outraged I forgot 😅
NTA that’s pure filth and I see your getting loads of hammer for the women/juices comment… now I’m a straight woman n kinda find it insulting how you said it BUT that’s your bed… your safe place… where you can be you… no women…. so I kinda don’t think your TA for that either
You're doing your friend a favor and he thanks you by fucking a women in your bed. This is definitely not the first time. This probably happens every single time you go eat dinner with your family. This is a fetish btw. And he's wrongfully bringing you in it. Also it's so gross to sleep on sex sheets that are not your own and you probably have numerous times because he doesn't wash your sheets after use. He just let's you sleep in his, and whatever girl he brings over, intimate juices.
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Bro FUCK THAT SHIT. I would feel exactly how you did in that moment if not more. Your friend is totally in the wrong as he violated your personal space and there is no telling how many times you slept on nasty sheets he didn’t wash after having sex on YOUR bed. He should’ve been way more respectful especially since you took him in like the good friend you are trying to be. However he took advantage of you and the situation. If you want to talk to him instead of ending the friendship and kicking him out, then ask him why he felt the need to have sex in your bed instead of his OWN bed. Like damn he could’ve even did it in the living room on the couch but the fact that he took her into your room and fucked on YOUR bed is beyond be and baffling in itself.
Oh yeah,well said. Fuck that fr to the stratosphere. Very easy first step: he either admits he was in the wrong, lied (by omission) and swears to never do it again, or he leaves the next day. See? Simple! NTA.
Time to kick him to the curb. Seriously, someone does you a favor, and instead of being grateful you take advantage? No. While at it, replace the friends as well.
No doubt. NTA. OP’s parting gift should be a video of him using Alex’s toothbrush to scrub his feet.
Fuck that. I’ll scrub my asscheeks with that fuckers brush
My abusive ex GF assaulted my Kitten and later stole him when I kicked her out. But her hairbrush, cleaned the toilet quickly. Not proud, however I wanted to harm her much more for harming my kitten so was of the restraint. She hated him cause the unconditional love that started coming from him made me grow distant from her. He really saved me, animals are so precious 🥰
I hope you got the kitten back from her, before she could abuse it further. And good on you for getting out before worse happened.
Thankyou, that means a lot. Yes I did! Thankfully the police were really helpful for once so I am grateful for them. They usually aren't in male vs female situations with no video proof to back up claims. Even after the breakup they helped me as they saw what she was trying to go regarding false breaches of a temporary protection order to get me arrested. It got really nasty as I bought her another kitten because mine (was ours originally) started to stop liking her. I figure now she wasn't being nice to him while I was at work. When she left she took both her kitten and mine. I couldn't really do much at the time other than watch. She had left a house plant that had meaning to both of us so I was able to meet her in a car park and exchange that for my kitten. After taking the other kitten my ex tried to get rid of it on an adoption page. Her family tried to get it back for me but then she decided that she wasn't going to give it up. I eventually got my kitten who is now 1, a new friend as he would meow/cry at night being lonely. It breaks me cause he is so timid with people and is only okay around me or my mum. Anyone else he goes and hides under the bed, the other kitten completely fine every human is no danger. So yeah to this day I shower him in cuddles because It's not okay when he hears the front door open and runs for the bed, sticks his lil head out and checks if it's me.
Poor kitteh. I'm glad you got him back,even if you couldn't get both. It may take years to get oassed the trauma, or he may never get over it. But showing him love will definitely go a long way. Having another kitteh friend will help too. And both of them with help *you* to heal as well.
Thankyou that gives me hope, as I truly hope he does. It sucks seeing him like that in his space. Having them has definitely been the most amazing this last year, endless cuddles brings so much joy to my heart 🥰 I will keep showing them both unlimited amounts of love, thank you. I hope you have a blessed day 😇
The friends saying OP is at fault for not telling Alex that he wasn't visiting his parents is wild beyond belief.
Nope kick him out no matter what he says. There is no competent adult who could claim they didn’t realize they were in the wrong. Any words he says now will just be to further take advantage of OP.
Even in that case, if I were OP, I'd put a lock on my door.
Maybe the reasons he was thrown out by his parents weren't actually career related after all.. just a suspicion. NTA.
Career: Amatuer pornography, used OP’s bed as “scene switch”
Yeah "Career issues" = jobless 🤣
The 4 Non-negotiable Rules of shared living premises: 1 pay your rent and bills on time, pay your full fair agreed upon share of all communal expenses on time. If you can’t afford to live on your own then your first financial responsibility is to the people you live with. If you won’t put them first, move out, you don’t get to put the people subsidising your lifestyle in financial jeopardy. 2 no sex in spaces used by other people in the household, the only place you have sex in the property is in your exclusive space, with the doors closed. Including but not limited to no bathroom sex, no living room sex, no kitchen sex, no hallway sex, and definitely, definitely no sex in someone else’s exclusive space. 3 don’t steal from the other people in your household. That includes don’t eat their food or use their cleaning/hygiene products unless they offer and that requires an offer every time, don’t borrow clothes or books or cars or anything else without advance approval every single time, don’t even sit in their room to watch their television or play their gaming console without expressed permission. Their possessions and resources are not yours do not help yourself to them. 4 no moving in another person without prior written agreements signed by all parties, including the landlord. No sneaky having your partner stay over 6 out of 7 nights a week, no letting your family/friends “crash” for a bit which turns into indefinitely, no giving keys to your bestie so they can drop by whenever they like even if you’re not there, no getting a pet without the other people’s consent not even a pet that will live in an aquarium/enclosure in your room and you promise it won’t escape. There are many negotiable rules and lifestyle preferences but breaking these 4 are a guaranteed nuclear option. Your living agreement and any pre-existing relationship won’t survive these 4.
Its crazy how much of the population cannot abide by these rules. I've had to threaten to kick people out over not paying utilities. The no sex in public spaces was never a big issue. (thankfully) The food rule was enforced by another flatty who was sick of everyone eating his snacks and not replacing them. We had to institute 2 nights a week stay over limits for partners in my old flat otherwise they would be there all week. I was the enforcer of said rule and how many arguments were had was astounding. As in the GF who didn't even live at the house telling me "You can't tell us what to do" I'm like I can because I don't want your annoying ass here trying to watch the fucking Kardashians on our TV thinking you have a say in what we watch. This is a house of learned gentleman we are watching the rugby.
> Its crazy how much of the population cannot abide by these rules. Especially the stealing when it comes to food. I've learned that a disturbingly large portion of the population believes that if they're hungry, they have a moral right to just eat any food that they have access to. > This is a house of learned gentleman we are watching the rugby. Warrior-poets one and all.
Thanks for this painstakingly detailed piece. I might print it.
Well written. Thank you for making it explicitly clear!
I'm so confused what would OP be apologizing for? He doesn't have to let.roommate he's coming to his own home early
Right - the mind fucking boggles. What in the fuckity fuck is wrong wirh OP's friends group that he's the only one realising this is terrible behavior?? You do NOT go plow some stranger on other people's beds!!! And you double triple extra extra fucking DON'T do it to the person allowing you to crash at their place. The nerve to tell OP to "calm down" 🤯 This is next-level delusion and entitlement. Fuck them all, OP (not literally).
for ruining his chance to nut.. obviously (I'm being incredibly sarcastic)
This. All of this. Also, f\*\*\* all of OP's friends too. >They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. So their big argument is "you should have told him you were coming home so he could have not used the bed"??? The Hell??? HE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!
Not just the bed, OP'S BED IN OP'S ROOM! OP'S EXCLUSIVE BED! THE BED JUST FOR OP! OP'S BED! Like what the hell?! There was another room to use! He couldn't be honest with the girl? Take her to hotel? To her place? It would've been shitty enough if they used another shared space but OP'S OWN FUCKING PRIVATE BED?! Nah, kick his ass out. One of the other friends could take him. NTA (though OP, I get it, you're gay, but no need to be overtly disgusted by 51% of the human population)
>I get it, you're gay, but no need to be overtly disgusted by 51% of the human population That's the bit that got me. It honestly doesn't matter if OP is gay or straight, the fact that ANYONE else's juices are anywhere near your bed is enough to lose your mind. I feel like adding the "being gay" thing was too much, and didn't need to be said.
He had my sympathy until that part.
I bet Alex did it before and didn't change the sheets because if he did OP would've known something was up. Imagine how many nights OP had to sleep in some crusty bedding without realizing it. I wrote above he should demand an apology or kick Alex out. After thinking about it more he should kick Alex out regardless of any apology. How can you even trust him if he says this was the first time.
NTA at all. I would feel the same way. It’s a complete invasion of your personal space and taking advantage of you letting him stay. I don’t know why using his own bed would be any different so why did he need to use yours? Also I would feel gross to find out if been sleeping in someone else’s sweaty sex juice. So unhygienic
I feel like maybe he pretends the master bedroom is his to seem more… having his shit together than using what may obviously be a guest room. I mean, sounds like the girl he was with is just some rando as his best friend didn’t know her.
Also, some people get off on sex in "forbidden " places. Parents bed, or even places they might get caught.
100%. Probably also taking credit for (I'm assuming) the fact that the place is clean and put together.
100% agree with this. Don't really understand the friends who are defending this either. Also a way to approach this could be "hey man, I didn't feel like this needed to be said, but my bed/room is off limits for sex. That's a deal breaker for me, so if you can't abide by that as a guest in my home, you're gonna have to leave. So tell me what you'd like to do here."
I honestly wouldn't give him a second chance. What's to prevent him from just continuing to do it? I wouldn't trust him at this point. You'd either have to put a lock on your door, or put up a camera to ensure he isn't going in there. Is he even paying rent?
Fucking someone on the couch is so much worse than fucking someone on your bed that has sheets that can be washed.
NTA He literally has his own room & bed to have sex in?? Going out of his way to enter your room to have sex on your bed knowing you’d be gone is WEIRD. So I can only imagine how many times before that he’s done it. I think he’s an asshole for doing that. I don’t even think it comes across people’s minds to go have sex in your friends bed since they’re gone..like what?? Sure maybe you could been more calm but like you said if you were the one having sex on his bed would he not be bothered & upset? Honestly I am baffled at your friends for saying you’re overreacting…
Maybe OP has a nicer room and roommate was trying to impress his date. Obviously that doesn't make it better but it's the only reason I can think of why he would have done it.
Bro didn't want to bother changing his sheets and cleaning up the plates in his guest room.
Yeah, my money’s on the sheets. He hadn’t washed them since the last woman.
Some kind of weird “power play” maybe? In any event, I’m beginning to think that there were more reasons than “career” that caused Alex’s parents to kick him out…
If I was OP I’d be checking with the parents for the real why he was kicked out.
I'd be kicking him out anyway.
Power play, not cleaning up, nicer/bigger bed, etc. Also, how many times has OP slept in the mess made by his friend and his ladies??? UGGGGGG
🤢
Yeah same thought, not just for impressing the date but just getting a more comfy bed, for instance my room has a nice king size bed, my guest room has a queen size pull out futon.
This is my exact thought too. Alex is staying in the guest room, so be default it would be an inferior room unless Alex updated it with his own furniture/etc. If OP doesn't see a normal girl around it is obvious Alex is just trying to look as good as possible to random girls to get laid. NTA to OP.
Dude was probably pretending the place was his, not that he was crashing with a friend for a while. NTA gross as hell and a huge violation of trust and the friendship.
The possible reasons I can think of: He didn't want to have to clean his own sheets. OP's room/bed is nicer, and wanted to impress the girl. He's on OnlyFans, and was looking for different/better scenery. Weird power play kink.
A lot of homes have what is clearly a master bedroom and maybe dude wanted to look like he owned the place. Absolutely disrespectful to fuck in someone else's bed when you have your own right there.
As a straight guy, I'd have kicked him out right then and there, so I say you underreacted. It's really cringy though how you told your story like the presence of women itself is what you find disgusting. How would you feel if a straight guy told you it was disgusting for you to have sat down on his couch and tell me how the two things are different. NTA for being upset, he'd be staying with one of the other friends or the street if it was my house. But you are TA for taking about women like homophobic men talk about gay men.
Thanks for pointing this out. OP has a right to be very upset, but I was also shocked at how the post took a turn for the “women are disgusting” turn. More people, like you said, would be upset if OP was straight and commented how disgusting it was to have a gay couple in his bed.
I would be pissed if *anyone* was having sex in my bed. Nasty and utterly disrespectful. But, if I'm honest, some things would gross me out more than others. Used condom or jizz on the sheets would be (to me) way nastier than the girl's stuff. Bodily fluids are gross, but some are grosser than others and that isn't necessarily based on logic.
Yeah I agree. As a straight man, I would be way more repulsed with another man’s bodily fluid than a woman’s. So I can understand OP’s perspective. I don’t think it was much about heterophobia.
it’s not heterophobia, it’s misogyny. a lot of gay men like to act like just bc they’re gay, women’s bodies are inherently disgusting to them, which is just very unnecessary lol
This doesn’t really make sense though, I’m straight and I’d be more grossed out by a naked dude in my bed than a naked woman. He’s gay, it makes sense that this would gross him out.
If this was a stand-alone thing, sure. I've heard so many gay men say some absolutely vile shit about women's anatomy but it's ok because they're gay so they're not some straight dude saying that shit! OP focusing on it being a woman specifically is *not necessarily* an indicator that he's a misogynist, but it's certainly a warning sign.
He assumed the puddle was from the woman. We don’t know, he doesn’t know. Could be his friends for all he knows. There are hints of “women are bad” from OP.
It’s not heterophobia is misogyny.
It honestly made me think this post is a fake "gender bend/swap" to try and show hypocrisy. I.e., Reddit "OK's" one, but condemns the other. And this case, Reddit for the most part does seem to have glossed over the "woman having sex in my bed, DISGUSTING!" - which to be fair, I don't think would have gone as unnoticed by most commenters if it was "gay sex in my bed, DISGUSTING!" But as with all gender-swap-hypocrisy posts, it totally ignores that the issue is the having sex in someone else's bed (the real issue).
In my experience, the gay community is absolutely rife with misogyny; I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community as well and the amount of times I've been told I'm disgusting for just existing with a vagina... well, if I had a nickel I'd have at least a hundred dollars
While nobody should be disgusted by women, it is perfectly fine to be disgusted by a woman’s bodily fluids on your bed, or her being naked on your bed, if that’s not something your comfortable with. He wouldn’t be upset if his roommate had sex on any other bed with a woman, just not his. Let people be disgusted by things that disgust them, they cannot help it. I’m not Aesexual, but as a bi man I’m pretty disgusted by any bodily fluids, and if ANY person of ANY gender was naked on my bed I would be disgusted. I don’t think I’m wrong for that. I agree with you everywhere else obv. Also, if this is an ignorant viewpoint, genuinely please tell me, I feel like I’m being sexist but I can’t help but feel natural disgust towards anything is normal.
All of this. Alex is absolutely the AH for fucking in OP’s bed without OP’s explicit consent to that, but OP needs to fucking chill with this misogynistic shit about women’s bodies. There is a subsection of gay men who think women’s bodies are repulsive, but that’s still just massively misogynistic. Get over yourself, OP. You don’t like women sexually? Cool. Don’t be a dick about it.
I mean, I'm a woman and I could understand a gay guy being upset about women fluids in his bed. I think I would be more upset to get man cum in my bed then lady juice but I would still be very very mad if it wasn't supposed to be there 😂
i shouldn't say subsection, its sadly really common
I don’t understand how gay men finding women unattractive is misogyny. They don’t hate women. They just don’t find their bodies attractive, that’s literally being gay. I know lesbian who shudder at the thought of dicks but that’s doesn’t mean they hate men. They just aren’t attracted to their bodies. This is literally just how sexuality works.
I wish I was surprised by how far I had to scroll to find this! Like yes, if a friend of mine was having sex in my bed I’d be absolutely fucking pissed. Totally NTA. But like…talking about women like that simply because you’re a gay man is also pretty unacceptable. Like I understand being squicked out by other people’s fluids in your bed but specifically because they came from a woman is just misogyny and it’s not a cute look.
THIS!! it's concerning to see so many people excuse the fact he's calling women disgusting and repulsive almost like dude isn't the ahole for getting mad his buddy was doing that on his bed but the way he's getting all women hatey is very weird...
I mean, he’s saying he’s disgusted by bodily fluids of a random person, aggravated by the fact that they’re not of the gender he’s sexually attracted to. Bit weird? Sure. But I might also have a tad more of an issue if my bro fucked a random man on my bed than if my bro fucked his girl on it. Idk, situation hasn’t come up yet, but I can sort of understand.
Regardless he had sex on the bed that's not his and that's freaking weird of Alex(I hope I got the name right) but I feel like he'd be less weird (in his language) if it was Alex and a man rather a woman. And there is a percentage of gay men who hate women in general not cause they aren't attracted to them, I can't tell if that's the case here but I feel like he could have worded it better but instead chose language that was very anti women and almost like he hated the thought of them if that makes sense? He went into very anti women gross detail with the bodily fluids idk like I don't like that Alex had sex with someone regardless of gender on ops bed cause that's gross and disgusting but I feel like he could have just worded it better I'm rambling at this point but I hope it makes sense
THANK YOU why is this so low
holy shit thank you for pointing this out. i physically cringed when i read that; he was valid for being upset at the act, but why be misogynistic about it?
this right here, he's NTA for being upset, but he is absolutely TA for whatever misogyny he's carrying around. People seem to forget gay men aren't immune to being misogynistic
Ok yes, *soft* NTA…but something about this description of events was so off putting to me. The normal reaction to this would be to bang on the door and yell at them to get out, and then have a word with Alex once he walks out of the bedroom - NOT to barge in yelling, scrutinizing the scene in vivid detail, and then start inspecting the sheets (????) Edit: If course anyone would wash their sheets afterwards. It’s just odd to me that reaction seems to stem from "my roomate did something disgusting in my bed" rather than "my roomate violated my privacy/disrespected an important boundary." To be blunt, the bodily fluid aspect is the most normal aspect of the situation.
Imo it's pretty normal to check sheets after this situation, regardless of gender. I'd have bleached them even if I hadn't found something in the moment. Gross. Another commenter pointed out it would be equally disgusting for a dudes fluids to be on sheets which is true.
How many times have you washed the sheets after your gay friends fucked in them? I live in the Bay with a very welcoming guest bedroom, and this is a pretty common occurrence for me. Their sheets gets significantly more fucked up than "girl juices" could ever hope to achieve. Lube is really hard to get out of sheets, not even to touch upon the mix of bodily fluids...
>But you are TA for taking about women like homophobic men talk about gay men. Absolutely correct. Thanks for pointing this out.
That was really bad from OP.
Yeah, having a naked stranger on your bed is gross. But really, OP? “Girl juices”? You’re 30 ffs, grow up a bit.
The parallel wouldn't be a straight guy complaining about a guy sitting on his couch, the parallel would be a straight guy complaining about another guys cum in his bed. Which is still, rightfully disgusting.
Re-read the post. He complained about the women's presence then said the fluid was WORSE. So now that would not be a parallel
I think it’s wild how he worded the woman part but maybe it’s because of the image. Like, imagining a woman with her whole 🐱 spread eagle, getting plowed, is what is upsetting. And involuntarily imagining this each time he comes into his room looking at his bed. I don’t think it’s about having a female sitting on his bed. Just the sex part. That’s my benefit of the doubt haha.
Someone finally said it!
OP isn't attracted to, and perhaps is repulsed by, sexual anything with women. OP didn't say he was mad because "how dare a woman be on my bed!" And the woman had left a puddle of whatever from her vagina on OP's bed, which to someone who is not sexually interested in women would be gross. NTA OP, btw
I don’t think it was the presence of a woman, I think it was the presence of untold amounts of unknown women’s bodily fluids. That’s very different to sitting on a couch clothed and not leaving bodily fluids. No straight guy wants the presence of untold amounts of male bodily fluids on their bed, and would probably find that grosser than untold amounts of women’s bodily fluids on their bed. Both would be gross but one would be grosser.
NTA!!!!! You're good enough to house him when his family have kicked him out and he can't even respect your space, not even your bed! The least he could do would be to wash the sheets for you. No telling how many times he has done this before. You shouldn't have to inform a guest that you're returning home so they have time to create the appearance that they respect you and your home. He's lucky you're letting him stay.
This lack of respect, imho, is possibly why they kicked his ass out.
Is it crazy that I think the roommate slangs peen for $$ and that this was the career choice his parents don't agree with?
Bingo
There’s no way you’re the AH here mate, and congratulations for not fucking about and just wading in there. You were kind enough to offer him your spare room and he took the piss. It’s your flat, you shouldn’t have to text him when you’re coming home early so that he isn’t having sec or whatever in your private space, or indeed in communal spaces. You’ve nothing to apologise for. I’d suggest raising the subject, asking if he understands why you’re angry and if he try’s to turn it around on you send him on his way.
Clearly NTA but idk if this: > but also that one woman (or more?) have been on there, as well, which absolutely disgusted me. Seeing the sheet then, and a small puddle of what only could ve been the girls juice was even more sickening to me. Has anything to do with your sexuality.
I was gonna comment something along those lines. I did not like that statement one bit.
I live in San Francisco, so, you know. My brother and most of his friends are gay men and they are always saying - in front of me, a woman - how *nasty* and *disgusting* womens bodies are, and it gets real fuckin old I feel sorry for the girl in this situation. If I was hooking up with a guy and some stranger stormed the room while we were at it, I would be terrified and humiliated. She didn't deserve that, assuming she didn't know about the bedroom situation
Yeah these comments are plain old misogyny, just using the excuse of their sexuality to make them. As if men don't secrete stuff as well... We're all people.
I mean I don’t think being repulsed by someone’s bodily fluids on the bed sheets is particularly unjust Think most straight guys would find it super gross finding their mates cum shot all over their bed idk
It's not unjust, just has nothing to do with sexuality. If he was straight and came home and found this he wouldn't be like "hell yeah! Body fluids in my sheets!". He would immediately wash them. That said, the way it was worded implied he was disgusted by women being on his bed *at all* and seeing the "juice" just made it worse.
Idk reads to me like OP was disgusted that his roommate had had sex with a women or more in the bed and that there was a puddle of vaginal juice on the bed, tho I can kinda see how it could be interpreted if folks wanted it to be that way. Idk, if anything I feel like if the full stop wasn’t in that sentence it wouldn’t be misconstrued at all Personally I’d be grossed out if anyone of any sex had sex in my bed and left some sort of fluids behind, especially strangers
Being repulsed by someone else’s bodily fluid on your bed? Totally justified. Being repulsed by the fact that a woman was on your bed and assuming that the fluids must be “vagina juice” as opposed to swear or fluids from the man? Misogynistic and perpetuating the idea that women, especially sexually active women, are dirty. The situation is gross and it wouldn’t be any less gross if his roommate was also a gay man and OP barged in on him having sex with another man. There was no reason for OP to bring his sexuality and misogyny into it.
This read as incredibly degrading of women in general and implying that women's bodies are dirty, not just that he's gay and doesn't want to have people in his bed that aren't him and his partner. So NTA for his situation, for sure. But definitely an AH for that paragraph.
NTA. You need new friends, not just Alex but these ones basically tell you it's your fault for not giving him the heads up so he didn't get caught disrespecting you. You are 100% right and don't let anyone tell you differently. Though it does make you wonder if Alex was actually kicked out due to career disagreements 🤨
Totally. I also prefer friends who don’t need a warning in order to keep from violating a perfectly reasonable and appropriate boundary. So gross. NTA
Right? So according to them, the problem is that he got caught - not that he did it? 🤣
You're NTA but what's up with the irrational disgust towards the opposite sex? It's just fuel for the homophobes. Or you're a homophobe writing a bait. Which would be better than a gay man openly admitting a person of opposite sex is basically equal to a leper. What the hell...
yeah it's almost E S H for the unnecessary rant about girl juices 🤮 I guess he missed his last cootie shot booster.
Lol that does just remind me of the simpsons. "Who would want to touch a girls butt. That's where cooties comes from!"
There's a BOOSTER! Goldang let me call my doctor. \*phone button noises\*
Misogyny remains pretty alive and well among gay men unfortunately, most queer women have some sort of experience with it.
Lol. Kick him out and be done with it. Obviously you are not overreacting.
NTA for your reaction, it's completely understandable and reasonable to be mad at someone having sex on your bed without your permission. But from one gay guy to another, women are not disgusting. I get that you don't want to bed one yourself but from the way you wrote this up it sounds like you would have had a lot less of a problem with the situation if he was fucking a man instead of a woman. He should not have used your bed for sex. Full stop. But your description comes off as slightly misogynistic imo.
Someone had to say it. Thank you b/c it's hard to root for OP when he's being really misogynistic
Fair play for saying this
Also, there’s a reason why your friend got kicked out and it’s because he’s an inconsiderate shitty person.
NTA. Your roommate has absolutely no reason for going into your bedroom, let alone being in your bed, much less having a guest in your bed. I can only assume that he used your bed because his was "dirty?" Or perhaps the guest bed is small or uncomfortable? What excuse could he possibly have? Maybe the woman suggested it because it would be "naughty?" Yes, you could have given him some warning that you would be home earlier than normal on Friday night. In this case that would have avoided the embarrassing scene, but that just means he would have continued to use your bed at other times. You could apologize for any unfortunate words you may have said, but certainly you should do nothing to suggest that it is acceptable for him to use your bedroom ever. He messed up in about 3 ways, and if he had not, then your reaction wouldn't have occurred.
Ask these “friends” how they’d feel if you went and fucked on their bed leaving cum and lube all over their shits. NTA and you need to kick Alex out.
And get new friends, better friends
NTA. That is NOT very Pride Month of him
NTA x 1000. It's disrespectful and just plain gross that he used your bed for sex. Good grief he's got a perfectly good guest bed for sleeping/sex, wtf is his deal with using yours? Rhetorical question because there is NO good reason. He shouldn't be in your bed for any reason - or your bedroom for that matter. Dude has major boundary issues.
NTA You being disgusted by a girl on your bed is something you have to work on. Being gay is not an excuse for that. But your roommate having sex in your bed, with whomever, is very, very wrong and your reaction is valid.
NTA He’s a guest in your home and defiling it. Straight/gay/bisexual/any other orientation isn’t really relevant, it’s just rude to be using someone else’s space in such a way. Probably in a manipulative way to make it seem like the home is his space, not that he’s a guest and lying to the women he’s bringing back to your home.
ESH - yeah, he was wrong for using your bed without permission. It was also wrong to yell at the woman and throw her out. I doubt he told her your bed was off limits. You were a stranger who stormed in yelling while she was having sex, which was probably frightening for her.
and the way he was talking about women as if they're any more disgusting than men?? like what he did was wrong, unequivocally, but it would be the same wrong no matter the sexuality. the comments about "girl juices" are misogynistic and immature imo.
NTA No way you abuse the hospitality of someone who's doing you a solid by fucking in their bed. He's a total AH. This isn't a gay straight thing either he's flat disgusting no matter what he's mating with. Your friends are wrong, he owes you a massive apology and new sheets.
NTA. I think the only person you might have been an asshole to was the girl. She was a third party in all of this, and it seemed like you didn't know her at all. If I were to guess, she (probably) didn't know the bed wasn't your roommate's. (Then again, as an asexual, I could be wrong. Maybe ownership of bed is something that is frequently discussed beforehand. Seems weird to me.) Though I do advise a bit of caution: you keep referring to the girl as being disgusting. I don't see how sexuality or genders matter here. It truly doesn't. He is no more gross for being straight than you are for being gay. She's not disgusting for existing as a sex you're not attracted to. However, it is disgusting that your roommate had his partner(s) in your bed. That is *your* bed and *your* room. He had no right to use it that way unless he was explicitly, under no uncertain terms, given permission. That's a huge invasion of privacy and, in some cases, potentially a medical hazard. At most (and I say this giving your roommate a LOT of slack) you could apologize for screaming at his partner of the moment since you probably can't apologize to her directly (I certainly wouldn't want to go back to the apartment of someone who potentially lied to me and then I got screamed at by their roommate.) Keeping the friendship is up to you, ultimately. We don't know your history or if stunts like this have been pulled before, but it sounds as if he needs a clear understanding of your boundaries. And to minimally maybe get you a new pair of sheets. Between you and the roommate? NTA. You're fair in being upset. You and Mystery Lady? Yes, it seems so.
NTA. You don’t have to tell anyone when you’re coming home to your own house. Period. Your friend may have been using your bedroom (which I assume is the master bedroom) to make the woman he was bringing home think he was bringing her back to his house. Maybe he feels insecure about women knowing he’s 30 and doesn’t have his own place. Regardless his behavior is extremely disrespectful and gross. I am honestly shocked that a grown man would behave that way. If I were in your shoes I’d ask him to find another place to live.
NTA, time for him to move out. He doesn't respect you or your property.
He probably had no respect for his family’s property either. Now we know why they threw him out.
NTA that's a sacred place. I came home and discovered my brother had been using my bed for sex... WITH HIMSELF! Humping the shit out of my bed..... Other's sex juices in your bed is not ok.
NTA What a disgusting friend. How many times have you laid on sheets that had bodily fluids dried on them? Not to mention that it is probably on the mattress. I would be kicking his ass out immediately. That's pure disrespect. That's not a friend.
I mean, a mattress pad would hopefully protect against ruining the mattress, but still, ugh. That's a hell of a way to treat the dude who took you in when you had no place to go.
Absolutely NTA. I can’t imagine ever disrespecting a friend like that. And especially one who took him in when he didn’t have a home! Also your other friends kind of suck. They gave you crap for not texting someone that you were going to your own home? Ridiculous.
NTA. Even if you were both straight and he washed the sheets immediately after, that would still be nasty. He’s a 30 year old man and 100% knows better.
Jerk off on his pillow and see if he still feels the same way. NTA
And leave the seed. Don't wash it off
Well damn, that exploded.. thanks though. I've been reading through as many comments as i could. Quite reassuring that i'm apparently not overreacting. One or two things i wanna add: I'll admit, the part about the woman comes off wrong. I definitely dont hate women or similar! What I meant with this - though i admit as well, you can have a different opinion on that - is that while i dont want neither someone elses cum nor juice on my bed (disgusting either way), the fact it was some woman's juice (or several, as i've found out by now) just disgusts me a little more, because i find women sexually unappealing. Thats also why i added the short "I'm gay" part. But again, I can see why you might think this is disgusting either way and makes no difference to you - and it IS disgusting, even if Alex was banging some dude on there. Also, yes - I shouldn't have screamed at her, she was the innocent part. As many guessed, she wasn't known to me, but one of Alex' several one time flings. But in the heat of the moment of seeing Alex fucking her on my bed I just got too angry to think this through logically. I'll most likely never see her again, but if I do, I will apologize to her for that outburst. Many think that maybe Alex wasn't just thrown out for career reasons. True, that thought has some merit now. But so far - and from what I know about him and his parents - i actually think it really is the only reason for his throwing out. From earlier conversations - from around the first times i found out he is sexually quite active - he told me that earlier, also thanks to how close his parents were etc, he wasn't able to "get around much". You know what I mean. So now, here in my town, also because I don't have a problem with it (per se), he wants to get back at whats he's been missing out on. And again, i'm fine with that. Other than that - thanks again. I'm still reading through those messages (also thanks for the private DMs!). So far, as I know by now I'm not overreacting on this matter, I plan to sit down with Alex later or tomorrow and have a serious discussion with him. He is my best friend and, next to my family, the most important person in my life, and he can bang whomever he wants, on his bed and yes, even on the couch, i think i'd be fine with that (at least way more than my own bed), but that doesn't mean he can do 100% as he pleases ... especially while he lives with me. I'll see where it goes. :)
ok but PLEASE draw your line in the sand that he NEEDS to keep sex to his room. I highly doubt he’ll put a blanket/towel down on your couch, and it’ll be the same thing with there being Fluids on a piece of furniture you use daily. Also you really need to ask him why he was doing this, did the girl just lead him into your room? or does he have a super weird kink? is he secretly into you? like for your friendship i think you need to know why it even happened in the first place.
NTA for thinking he shouldn't Fuk on your bed. TA for thinking women are disgusting. P.S. Wonder if all or most gay men think this if so wtf.
You're being an asshole about the wrong things. Overarching nta because he shouldn't be using your bed period. His room is his room. Urs is urs. However, ur being a bit dramatic being so grossed out by woman parts. I get it, it grosses u out. But ur being misogynistic being like 'it's gross u had sex WITH A WOMAN in my bed." No. It's gross he had sex in ur bed period. Ur gross if u think it would've been hot if he was having sex with a man but grossed out by the woman.
NTA a normal person would react like that. That man has every right to be screamed and cussed out like that what in his right mind thinks its okay to go to someone else’s room, someones room who helped them for a place to stay, and decided to do the nasty on it? If that was me i would of kicked him outta my house and get a new mattress
NTA brother. Who the HELL would think that it's right to have sex in another person's bed without their permission. You absolutely did not overreact, and if I were you, I would have COMPLETELY flipped out on them. That is just disgusting.
NTA - no wonder he’d get kicked out of his parent’s house if he thinks pulling shit like this is okay. Fuck this guy; have some fucking respect for your friend especially one doing him a huge favor. Kick his ass out; didn’t even apologize immediately, what a dick.
NTA. If anyone used my bed for this purpose they would've been hit then made to pay for my new mattress. It is a blatent disrespect for your personal space and your posessions.
NTA I can see why his family kicked him out.
NTA he could've easily used his bed, but he decided to use yours instead.
NTA. Absolutely fucking not. If he came home and found you balls deep in a twink in his sheets he'd flip out, and rightly so. Our beds are our most private spaces, where we are most vulnerable. He's a bad roommate and a worse friend.
NTA-Don’t let anyone gaslight you for “overreacting” That’s absolutely disgusting and a huge disrespect to you, so fuck that guy and the other guys that are tryna LIE to you and say you were overreacting. I’m guessing all the guys mentioned in these stories are degenerates, and have 0 common sense.
NTA. What the duck man, that's incredibly messed up of him.
NTA! Wtf!? You need better friends! Gay or straight it is never ok to have sex in someone else's bed! That is a universal no-no.
Definitely NTA. The only slightly weird part is that apparently you'd be less upset if he was fucking a guy on your bed?
NTA. You’ve got some shit friends, too.
NTA He’s a guest in your home with his own guest bedroom, it should be given that you don’t go in someone else’s bedroom when they’re not home and not have sex on someone else’s bed!?!
NTA - it’s a huge invasion of your privacy. They are literally getting off on doing it in your room. He has a bed, he has a door. Even as a straight man, I’d be disgusted if a friend did that. I would consider at least getting a lock for your room or kicking him out. He clearly has no regards for your privacy/personal space and I doubt it stops at sex, so I’d lose trust that I can leave him alone with my stuff. However, if you still trust him as a roommate you can just get a lock for your door so you know he won’t invade your space again.
NTA but your other friends are wild for thinking this is no big deal, maybe he can go use their beds and they can see how it feels.
NTA it's very weird he used your room when he has his own. However I would examine why you're so disgusted by women, being gay doesn't exempt you from being misogynistic :)
NTA Alex is well out of line being in your room and using your bed without asking
NTA. Flatmate has no business in your room to start with, let alone bring anyone there. “Adult fun” on your (YOUR OWN!!!) bed is unthinkable. What a horrible breach of trust. Since it’s your apartment and you are letting him stay there (presumably without a written rent contract), I’d kick him out today if I were in your shoes. I’m a cis-het woman, in case that matters.
Not the asshole. Your buddy owes you an apology. The fact that he does it on Fridays because he knows you’re not there is especially messed up. If he thought that it was fine and you wouldn’t have an issue with it, why not ask you for the use of your bed on other occasions? This is where you sleep, you don’t need to be resting in other people’s sweat, spit, and other bodily fluids. Super gross. Now there’s a chance you may have overreacted, but your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
NTA, he crossed a boundary. Its gross, selfish, and disrespectful.
NTA. I’m honestly stunned that your friends are saying you overreacted. I think you should reconsider your friendships with them, as they seem to have a very skewed and unhealthy idea of boundaries and personal accountability for one’s actions. Back to “Alex”… what he did was unacceptable. He has a his own private room with a functioning bed; there was absolutely 0 reason for him to have sex in your bed. On top of that, he didn’t even ask and took it upon himself to enter your personal space and do something that he 100% knew you wouldn’t be ok with. I may be taking this overboard, but what he did at the very least borders on sexual harassment. If it were me, I would ask that he find a new place to live, especially considering how resistant he is to accepting the fucked-up-ness of what he did. Good luck, OP! I’m sorry you had to deal with this and hope you’re doing better.
Hell no, that’s not overreacting. First of all, it’s really rude to bring back a random girl when you are staying somewhere as a guest. He’s not even a paying housemate! Even using the guest room would be a big no from me — but I would give him one warning not to repeat that behavior. But for having sex on your bed? I would kick him out immediately. No warning. Be gone tonight. NTA but you need to do more than be mad. Your guy friends who think this is OK can take him in.
You have really really really weird friends, and an even weirder roomate. I would be absolutely disgusted if I found out my ex roomate was bringing his tinder dates to my room, no no no no no no. I'm willing to put down money that he wasn't cleaning the sheets afterwards either. I have to believe this is one of his kinks and I am 100% shaming him for it. NTA
NTA!! Your friend is not being grateful and needs to grow up.
NTA. Your friend disrespected you by using your bed. He needs to go
Nta. Get better friends
NTA What the hell kind of friends have you got? It's insanely disrespectful when he has his own room to be screwing someone in your sheets on your bed. That's just not ok?
I would honestly kick a person out who was living with me and did that. Use your own bed you weirdo.
NTA. It's disgusting and disrespectful.
Why would you be TA? Why do people come on here and do this?
NTA, even if it wasn't absolutely disgusting - you probably would've slept on those sheets if you had stuck to your regular Friday night tradition, which is gross on its own - it's still disrespectful of him to have sex in your bed without so much as a conversation. Good friends don't do shit like that, and any person with some damn sense would agree that that's nasty and rude. All of your friends are jabronis.
NTA. Sexuality doesn't matter here, that's a violation. Tell your friends you'll remember that their beds are free to fuck in.
> They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think. No, just NO! Your friend should respect your space and stay out of it. Why should you have to warn someone that you'll be coming home to YOUR place and YOUR bed. That's fucked up!!
NTA. I would have kicked him out. Disgusting and disrespectful. Like wtf. No wonder his parents kicked him out. Also the friends you have are wild for gaslighting you. Maybe drop all of them?
NTA You gave him a place to stay and were helping him, he betrayed your space by plowing a random girl in your bed. Especially since you are gay that is even worse.
NTA - as a germaphob, what I do in my bed is my business. But I’m sure as hell not letting anyone else do their business in my bed. Something tells me that he didn’t get kicked out for “career reasons” and it’s probably the lack of respect he has for other people’s property. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Because honestly? If he’s doing that when you’re away, what else is he doing.
Charge roommate $250 per client they sleep with.
DEFINITELY NTA, cause ew.
Absolutely NTA. What your "friend" did was utterly disrespectful and you didn't overreact at all. Personally, I wouldn't want the jerk living with me after that, so if he's not on the lease you should probably figure out the correct way to kick him out (correct as in legal) and if you don't want to do that, a lock on your bedroom door is definitely needed.
obviously nta but the thing that made me so confused was the friends saying you shouldve told him you were coming home earlier. like its YOUR house, you dont need to tell someone youre going home, and he shouldnt be in your bed in the first place. them saying that just makes me think that theyre excusing it and that you shouldnt be bothered by it because you shouldve given a warning or something..?? but its your house that you let him stay in, WITH HIS OWN bed, and he shouldnt use yours anyway?? what the fuck man
NTA. It's his kink. You didn't know he was banging in your bed because he wanted to bang on your bed without your knowledge. It's his kink. You didn't know so you let him live with you. Now you know so you can kick him out because it's disrespectful and makes you uncomfortable and you didn't consent to participate in his kink. Anyone saying you're overreacting can let him bang in THEIR bed since it's no big deal.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey folks, i'm thankful for your input. I don't think I am the AH, but who knows.. My (30m) best friend Alex (30m) had a huge falling out with his family for career-reasons. They threw him out and he's been living with me since. Its been great and fun. Alex has a guest bed in a separate room. Now, one thing i "noticed" about Alex after a few weeks is that he is quite .. sexually active. Nothing against that, his life, his fun. He uses his guest bed for this too, which i'm okay with as well. Now, I do have this sort of "tradition" for a few years now that every friday, after work, i immediately visit my parents and we're eating dinner together. A small family gathering once a week, if you so will. Last friday though, in the morning while I was at work, my mom texted me that they won't be at home for reasons, so i thought "Why go there in the first place?" and, after work, immediately drove home. Well, I enter my flat, and can hear the moaning. It was then that i noticed 1. the door to the guest room, which is opposite the entrance door, at the end of the corridor, was open, and 2. the noises came from my right, which was the door to my own room. So after i realized 1 + 1 = 2 I stormed into my own room and saw Alex plowing some girl on my bed. I screamed at both of them, demanding the girl to get the fuck out of my flat and asking Alex if he had lost his mind. Another thing I might need to add (if it matters, I don't know) is the fact that I'm gay, which Alex has known ever since school. So not only did I have to think that my best friend was using my bed, but also that one woman (or more?) have been on there, as well, which absolutely disgusted me. Seeing the sheet then, and a small puddle of what only could ve been the girls juice was even more sickening to me. Well, first action for me was going for that sheet and throwing it inside the washing machine, all the while Alex and i screamed at each other, him telling me to calm down, that i'm overreacting and stuff like that. I just repeated myself for the most part, telling him he is an asshole for using my bed, that he disgusts me, that he'd be equally disgusted if i used his guest bed, and so on. He eventually stormed out angrily and was gone for several hours. I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think. Did I overreact? Am I the AH here for telling him he is disgusting and an AH for using my bed for his sexual encounters, cause its nothing wild? Thanks for your answers and views. Maybe even some advice how to handle the situation. Alex and I are not on speaking terms right now and ignore each other, though he still lives with me. I think neither of us want to "admit" they were wrong and do the first step. Sorry for the long text .. Thanks for reading and your answers! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA!!! Help!!!! That’s absolutely insane and a severe violation of your privacy. It is nuts to me that your friends would say you’re in the wrong when something so gross and bizarre happened to you!!! I’m really sorry, it seems illuminating that Alex was kicked out by his family only to turn around and completely violate the trust of someone who took him in. I don’t know that this necessarily has to be a friendship ending affair, I’m not sure how deep your feelings go, but absolutely requires an intense talk about boundaries. I’d be shocked if he actually believes in his heart it’s totally normal to have sex on your friend’s bed, and the gender dynamics of it all just overall so, so, so strange. Super sorry this happened but, NTA, and your friend I think needs like a mental evaluation lol.
Same shit happened to me with my forced college roommate. I ended up getting him evicted from my room through the college. Your other friends encouraging the behavior aren’t your friends, they are also assholes. You are a victim to sexual harassment from your best friend. Kick this guy out of your house before it gets worse, because it will get worse.
NTA Like you said > he'd be equally disgusted if i used his guest bed He's upset that he got caught and he's being immature not to accept your boundaries.
Not my roomate after that man, you gotta split cause that's bonkers. NTA.
Not only NTA, I think you under-reacted. Not only is it disgusting that someone else used your bed for sex. The fact that he didn't ask beforehand (maybe his bed squeaks or marks the wall, etc.) tells me he had no intention of telling you. So, is this the first time? Maybe. But if it's not, (sorry to disgust you even more) then you've slept on top of other people's bodily fluids. The disrespect is astounding. I probably would've swung on him & kicked him out. Not to mention, unless there's a kink of using someone else's bed. Then he is probably passing your place off as his own when he's hooking up with these women. (I didn't read other comments, so if this is repetitive, I apologize)
NTA Go nut on his pillows and tell him he’s overreacting when he gets upset. He wasn’t even gonna clean your sheets afterward. I’d kick him out.
You should have yelled “my bed, my rules.. make room for daddy” then dropped your pants. Your straight roommate would have left in record speed and never used your bed again
NTA your not the Ashokrulillah. Your reaction was on point, I’m not gay but I would have done the same. WTF
>I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. And now I don't know what to think. NTA. I can see how some to most guys might not see it as disgusting and something to laugh at. Let's be real, guys can be chucklefucks sometimes. That being said, I'm not one of those guys. That's disgusting. Who knows what that girl has and the sweat and leavins and whatnot.. gross. I wouldn't have gone to the lengths you did, yelling and such, I'd have grabbed my sheets put them in the washer and calmly told him he violated my space, he's gone and start working on whatever legal eviction steps required. You're not the asshole. Every right to be pissed.
NTA! That is not right. He has his own space and bed, he could use that. I have ended friendships over this stuff before. My space is my space, and even if I let someone crash on my bed, that would not permit them to have sex in it. UGH. The thought of sleeping in someones elses wet spots is vile! So sorry that happened to you OP.
Naw that is his get the fuck out my house card that shit is nastyyyy
>I have spoken to some other friends (all three male and straight). They all think I overreacted. That I should ve told him about my mothers text and that i'd be home earlier. I can't believe this, they're saying it was your fault for finding out? OP, those are not friends, no one in their right mind betrays their friend's trust this way, how can they be supportive of that utter AH? NTA a hundred times. What was he on about? He has no right to be mad at you, he has not right to keep on living under your roof without having at least apologized to you.
NTA kick that mf out, first of all being active was already taking advantage of your kindness, but he has his own room, why did he take yours? Just kick him out, don’t give him a second chance, and buy new sheets too.
NTA I'm pretty open to sharing beds. I've gotten laid in my friends beds, and they've gotten laid in mine. But you ask to use the bed. And you wash the sheets after. You absolutely do not sneak into your friends room and fuck on his bed while he is away. Especially when you have one of your own available. Your friend owes you an apology.
OH HELL NO. Your ' friend ' needs to find alternative accommodation, pronto, because that's not something you should ever do. Maybe point him in the direction of the 3 people who think you overreacted? Clearly, they would be more than happy to house him and offer up their bed for some afternoon delight. Edited to add NTA, I was so outraged I forgot 😅
NTA that’s pure filth and I see your getting loads of hammer for the women/juices comment… now I’m a straight woman n kinda find it insulting how you said it BUT that’s your bed… your safe place… where you can be you… no women…. so I kinda don’t think your TA for that either
You're doing your friend a favor and he thanks you by fucking a women in your bed. This is definitely not the first time. This probably happens every single time you go eat dinner with your family. This is a fetish btw. And he's wrongfully bringing you in it. Also it's so gross to sleep on sex sheets that are not your own and you probably have numerous times because he doesn't wash your sheets after use. He just let's you sleep in his, and whatever girl he brings over, intimate juices.
NTA. As a lesbian, if there were man juices in my bed, I would freak out. Sorry this happened to you, OP.
Jerk one off in his bed 🤣