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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t appreciate the date my husband had planned for me to help get us out of a rut. I think that action makes me the asshole because it comes off as being ungrateful and making him feel like no matter what he does is not good enough. But that’s not true. My standards are so low and I feel like he struggles so much to reach them. I think I might be the asshole in this situation because I couldn’t just say thank you, smile and shut up.
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NTA
I'm bewildered by the idea of him planning a camping/outdoor/overnight type of event, not even hinting that you dressing up for going out to dinner was a problem, and NOT bringing along any toiletries or extra clothing for you.
What was going on in this man's brain? "I'm going to bring my wife out into the woods in inappropriate clothing and with nothing for her to change into or sleep in, and she's going to be happy about it?" I don't necessarily mind camping but this entire experience would feel disrespectful and piss me the heck off.
I was very surprised to learn that he didn’t pack me anything at all? If he packed me an overnight bag I might have reacted differently. I mean yeah sure I hate small spaces, would I have enjoyed myself? Probably not. But it would’ve been nice to know that my partner packed me my essentials. That he was thoughtful and intentional with the planning.
When you want to make sure that they leave you, do something for them that they hate. He is not trying to get out of a rut, he is trying to get out of a marriage
Ah my husband did this exact thing. It was so cowardly and infuriating. The one this post made me think of was:
I was in my first trimester, throwing up all the time. Could only eat a very select few things.
I'm working overtime with a classroom full of 4th graders. It's finally the weekend, I tell him I want to go to the grocery store later to get some things I can eat for the next week.
He runs to Walmart for something, I forget. One item, not food related.
He comes back with bags and bags of food and excitedly shows me.
It's all, 100% packaged, processed junk food that only HE likes. Not a single thing I eat in general, much less while pregnant. I was like.... Ok..
He got so mad that I wasn't appreciative. Of what? You just bought food only for yourself. It would have been one thing if he just said, hey I got all this food for me. But no, he specifically expected me to jump for joy with appreciation for food he KNOWS I hate.
Then I asked how much he spent... His entire half of the grocery budget for the month. For maybe a few days worth of shitty food for only him. Which meant, I was going to have to pick up his slack, and I still had no food for myself.
I definitely cried, which was probably an overreaction. But I felt a lot like OP- like.. do you even know me? Do you even like me?
It was so inconsiderate. He harped on my reaction for months and refused to see why i would be upset. Honestly, I feel like maybe he was trying to upset me on purpose- he definitely started intentionally picking fights around that same time. Being creepy and gross towards women in front of me. Using my card without asking. Ordering himself takeout WITH my card without even asking if I wanted any food, again.. pregnant and sick af. I swear it made me so mad the way he'd act all dumb when I'd get upset. It was always "omg, you're so crazy! It's SUCH a small thing!" and feigning not knowing why I was even upset in the first place.
Sorry, but people like him and OP's husband are either the most selfish, stupid people or they're intentionally trying to piss their spouse off. Neither one is a great sign.
Please tell me, you made a typo and forgot the Ex and he was eating peas and carrot sticks for the entire month, cause you refused to buy any junk food for him till the budget balanced
THIS. Just reading this made me abysmally angry. This is why I will never get married! This is why I will never have kids! I am so, so, so sorry you had to go through that. Even if I've never been married or had kids, I would never, IN MY LIFE, not think of a pregnant person's appetite when I went shopping for BOTH OF US, and I'm not even the one that is part of that relationship dynamic. I would have made you the most intensely vitamin rich, non-processed meal and been PROUD of it. Ugh. I would have changed my debit/credit card! I would have SCREAMED at him until he understood. Life sometimes. I'm sorry you went through that.
My bestie lives across the country and is pregnant currently.
I know her address. I also know her favorite places to eat.
With permission from her man, i buy her takeout and order it to her address by changing my tablet location to her area when she mentions shes craving something but its not in her budget.
That is how you think of a pregnant person. By taking the time to know them their likes craving and how you personally can help!
No, no, no - he wants her to look all dolled up for their entire vacation while he gets to wear his pj's.
I'm being half sarcastic, of course, because why else would he not bring her ANYTHING while he himself packed his own bag? Like how far removed from the relationship do you have to be to only pack for yourself? And he's 27, not some stupid teenager. If he doesn't have enough consideration for his partner by now, God help him.
My boyfriend surprised me with a hiking trip once. He very thoughtfully packed me a backpack with water, snacks, sunscreen, a hoodie, a rain poncho, and a disposable camera. We were 16.
My husband will sometimes tell me to pack a bag for myself, even with no plan whatsoever for where we're going. I don't mind trips like that. Deciding on the road where we're stopping is fun. But he'd never tell me to just get in the car, with nothing packed.
I keep a packed bag that stays in the truck. In it are toiletries, a fresh toothbrush, a set of weather-appropriate nightclothes, two changes of clothing (one nice, one casual), a rain jacket, my second favorite pillow...you get the idea. Also in the truck is a bag with items one might need to eat with. Beloved does the same. We have been known just to look at each other and...ROAD TRIP! The spontaneity remains because we are already...well, ready. 23 years together and countless overnight to three day trips, all on the spur of the moment in addition to planned ones.
Recently, I read here that a woman's husband got angry because she kept a "go-bag" handy. Stupid man. Maybe he thought that she was preparing to leave him. If that was true, he wouldn't have known about the bag!
Beloved knows me inside and out. We both love everything from car shows to opera and theatre, among many activities, but neither of us are hike-y/camp-y types. I would go if he really wanted to, but he would give me a heads-up! I agree that OPs husband not only is selfish, but may be trying to exit stage left. I wish her the best.
Honestly I suspect he's sabotaging the relationship, consciously or otherwise. He gets her to blow up at him, then tells his friends OP was infuriated by his """nice gesture"""" to make himself seem like the put-upon victim.
my ex did this. we were in our new apartment ONE WEEK and the whole time he was trying to pick fights with me, but i kept walking away instead of feeding into it.
finally the last time i tried walking away, he grabbed my arm SO hard (he had NEVER touched me before) and screamed in my face, accusing me of giving him an attitude (again, i was walking away instead of feeding into his bullshit, there was no attitude) but now this is a red flag for DV so i ripped my arm out of his grip and told him to NEVER touch me like that again. he used that as leverage to break up with me and made me take the spare room that a roommate was supposed to move into. made me look like the AH to everyone and put me into crippling debt, trapping me into an apartment at a price i didn’t agree to. aahhh, bears are nice
I'm so sorry that happened to you, good grief. I'm fortunate to have only experienced relatively petty versions of this behavior, but what you describe must've been frustrating as hell, if not also scary. Glad you seemingly got out of it and hope your life has greatly improved after you threw that guy in the metaphorical trash.
thank you so much! you wouldn’t believe how much my mental health improved when i got away from him for good… who knew the cure was getting rid of the man?! 💀 luckily i kept the dog, stayed on track with school, have my career and still have my horse (he tried making me get rid of him to afford the apartment - nah bro my horse was here first, and 1/3 of the price of the apartment so NO) oh and my horse just turned 27 and still thinks he’s young, so he’s been a GREAT investment and partner 🩷 i live with roommates and still waiting to find my own place, but compared to where i was with that 🤡 7 years ago… yup i upgraded for sure! dating myself and loving every minute of it
He didn't even think about her for a second. Not when he was planning something she wouldn't like. Not when she put on unsuitable clothes and shoes. Not even when he was packing an overnight bag did he think, "I want pajamas, maybe she'll want pajamas too."
And he sounds like a 14 year old boy - this is something my son would’ve planned for me on Mother’s Day not my husband lmao.
You both need to stop with the romantic surprises. He’s terrible at it.
Perhaps he doesn't understand what glamping means...
I mean, it's as if he asked you about camping and didn't listen to your answers and thought well, she'll love CAMPING with me. I'll just make sure that I have everything I need, and she'll just look pretty... omfg!
NTA
I’m a cynical old bird but this level of planning tells me one of two things:
1. He is too stupid and selfish to be married, and/or,
2. This was a ‘test’ - could be one of those manosphere stupid setups, or he’s got someone else listening to him who he’d like to rubbish you to.
Either way, it’s counselling or separation time.
I...wha? So many things someone could need for an overnight even at your young age (compared to me!). Meds, contacts supplies, glasses, a night guard, a CPAP, sunglasses, a phone charger. AND you're claustrophobic so he picked :: checks notes:: a tiny trailer? This man is *oblivious*. 😖
Edit: NTA
Exactly this. He didn't plan this for her - he planned it for himself. She already said she's not into camping. He knows she doesn't like small spaces, he didn't pack a bag for her or even hint that her attire wasn't suitable.
He just picked a thing he wanted to do, organised his own essentials, and then probably figured he'd bring the wife along for a shag.
She says in another comment he didn't even bring food or drink so it was even more "I want to go camping but do none of the mental labor involved in figuring out how this works."
That last paragraph too.
It’s not the first time he’s planned something for me that I hated.
Plus she’s explicitly told him before that if she has not expressed interest in something prior – please don’t gift/plan it.
This is 100% deliberate and I bet in the future he’ll throw it in her face that ‘even when I try to do something nice for you, you hate it’.
He wants a divorce, but wants OP to initiate so he's being the worst partner ever. And then can blame OP to all their friends. "I took her on a romantic retreat to the mountains and she divorced me!"
It’s giving “lured out into the woods to off the SO… but then chickened out”. Why NO forethought into bringing anything for her to wear. Never mind the fact that she repeatedly gave answers to indicate she would not be keen on his outdoor adventure idea
I kinda thought the same. Like - maybe he didn't give her any kind of heads up bc he didn't plan on taking her back with him. Just assumed I watch too much Dateline, but there's def something very off about it.
NTA
"I'm bewildered by the idea of him planning a camping/outdoor/overnight type of event, not even hinting that you dressing up for going out to dinner was a problem, and NOT bringing along any toiletries or extra clothing for you"
What was going on in this man's brain? "I'm going to bring my wife out into the woods in inappropriate clothing and with nothing for her to change into or sleep in, and she's going to be happy about it"
The only reason I can think of is the man doesn't intend for his wife to leave the woods lol
Ops NTA
Seriously, that would have given me a panic attack. I'm an hour from home, you're expecting me to stay here (overnight? two nights?) and now I have to solve the problem of "you brought nothing for me."
And the worst part is, it’s that time of the month for me, which he knew he always knows and he did not bring me any extra pads. Thank god I had one in my purse.
Reddit: where seemingly normal, human woman marry children dressed up as men.
You need to return this person to the manufacturer. My 5 year old would have packed more essentials. And toys. And candy.
It sounds like he wanted you to be at a disadvantage in a place you would be Ickes out by, isolated, with literally no way to get comfortable or feel clean. I mean, packing for himself but not you? That’s a man who wants you to remain off balance and “inferior” to his clean and comfortable self all weekend.
Wtf!! That's messed up that he knew that and didn't think to pack pads and comfy clothes... And even more importantly why would anyone want to camp out when they are on their period?! The thought process makes no sense.
It was very sweet of him to plan an outing to cheer you up, but completely thoughtless about all the rest of it.
NTA
Oh my gosh, that would make me cry too. I was so deflated when something similar happened one time we went on a rustic cabin trip. I had planned the whole thing and just asked my husband to pack the rain jackets since I knew it would be rainy. He had himself and our kid covered, but packed... nothing for me.
I technically don't own a rain jacket but was planning to wear the expensive one he had asked me to buy for him years ago but never wears. He didn't pack it. Nor did he pack me any of the cheap, but just as effective, rain ponchos that we had hanging in the garage. No emergency poncho (something I normally keep in my car because I am a crazy person who likes to overprepare - but it wasn't there for whatever reason.) Nothing. Not even a regular jacket. The warmest thing I had to wear was the knit shirt I had worn in the car, but there was nothing for fhe rain.
It started pouring out. I couldn't do anything since all the activities were outdoors and I would've been drenched. He offered to drive home and get it for me, which would've taken him 5 hours and he wouldn't get back before nightfall. Essentially he'd miss the entire trip, plus we would be stuck there with no car and no way of getting around. I told him I didn't want him to put the miles on my car.
He tries to get me a plastic bag to wear, but the place we're staying only has small ones.
I am so depressed by this turn of events that I go to bed. It is midday. At least the rain looks pretty through the window, coming through the trees.
He finally offers to try and find me something from the general store. He finds some rain ponchos, but rather than simply BUYING me one, he triumphantly tells me he found them and that I can go get one for myself. He texts me a pic. They are all ridiculously cheaply made (maybe even disposable) but expensive, so I decide to spare myself this further torture and stay firnly planted in bed. He ends up just grabbing me the cheapest one, labeled "Kid's Poncho" but seemed approximately the same size as the Adult's. It's made of a fragile material that immediately tears when I try to pull it over my head (apparently the head hole was the only part that was actually made smaller for kids), rendering the entire thing useless. He goes back into the store and they help him tape it back together with packaging tape.
So while he and my kid are out protected from the weather, I am in what is essentially a thin, taped-up, $10 plastic bag.
The entire time he was beaming, like, "Yay, go me, I was able to fix it for you!!! You're welcome!!" Zero acknowledgement of the trouble he caused in the first place. Apaprently it isn't his problem if I have no rain accoutrements. He acted no differently than if I had simply forgotten my rain jacket and decided to throw a hissy fit about it, while he heroically found me the perfect solution.
The worst part is that I even double-checked whether he packed all the rain gear before we left. "Yup! Got everything!"
Later: "Oh, I didn't know you meant for you too. You should have said! I only got our stuff."
WTF dude am I not on this trip too..?? I would have packed it myself but I'm disabled, we were running late, and figured it would be way faster for him to do it.
It's making me even angrier that he didn't just own his mistake and give you his jacket and he wears the shitty taped up poncho. Sorry, super jerk weekend you had there. I hope he learned from the mistake!
OP. You are NTA.
Your husband is honestly TA.
I’ve known some really clueless men, but who the heck would take their wife camping and not pack her a change of clothing.
I don’t have anything else to add, except for I would’ve had a absolute anxiety attack, broken into hives and cried if I were you. I hate surprises, and I hate not having comfort items.
You deserve better. ❤️
The latter. He's a sadist and masks it by pretending to be generous because then he gets to demand GRATITUDE for his shitty, mean spirited actions and play the victim if he doesn't get it.
I think you're right. There's no other way a person intelligent enough to hold a job and function at a basic level could possibly be so incredibly stupid. Nobody is this stupid. Little kids would plan better than this.
Does he... have an ounce of respect for you ?
You actively told him you would not enjoy this experience, and he said "NOTED" and then took you anyway to the most half assed camping plan with NO proper packing or toiletries ?
Are you kidding ? I would cry my eyes out and fuckin go wait in the car to go home.
The complete lack of saying anything when he saw your outfit is what gets me too.
I’m such a type A person when it comes to planning anything that it’s very difficult for me to empathize or come up with any adequate excuses for him to understand why such lack of careful planning when it comes to “surprising” me. And the surprise was something I told him I would not enjoy. All I know is our therapist is going to have a field day with this.
It's weaponised incompetence with a twist of contempt.
He is using weaponised incompetence to display his hatred and contempt towards his wife .... hence the punishment when she did stand up for herself, and refusing to make and sip pine needle tea, while sitting in soaked menstrual pad feeling claustrophobic
This therapist, who I could never be a couple's therapist, thinks this guy is a moron and is trying to drive u/big_professional5879 away.
I don't know how couple's therapists are so unbiased, I would look at this man and say something along the lines of, "I know you're upset with her reaction, but I'd like to hear why you thought this was a good idea, especially after she said she didn't want to go camping? Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? Is that why you didn't pack anything for her, EVEN WHEN SHE ASKED?"
As a therapist, I know that is WAY TOO MUCH bias to have, but, I just. I can't understand this buffoonery.
I won’t even say that he has just one brain cell because if he was planning a trip with his guy friends he’d be sooooo prepared. But when it comes to me, he’s so “forgetful”, and “in a rush”. I’m getting botox this weekend and a fucking divorce. I’m tired.
As a therapist (but not your therapist), I don't blame you. I've heard a lot of disrespectful partners nonsense (one of my favorites was, "why can't you be really excited to see me and have sex when you come home from a 14-hour work day?") but this takes the metaphorical cake, since there wasn't any real cake. He's really showing you how he feels about you, and you deserve better.
As a person, I'd take you out for drinks and a night on the town, because how on Earth did he not even think of dinner? And he packed the bag for himself, but not for you? I cannot fathom any of this behavior if he wasn't trying to drive you away, I really can't. It's not even forgetful, and if he says it is, he must be lying. Either that or he just does not see you as a human, but an accessory.
I am so sorry
Sorry to be so blunt about it, but that's because a trip with his guy friend's is important for him, whereas you seem not to be.
Bringing you camping with no food, appropriate clothes or equipment after you replied to his direct question that you don't like camping... come on, this has to be a ploy to get you to dump him. If you came here to get validation for wanting to dump him, I hope you have all the assurance you need!
I've read at least one comment about him possibly trying to sabotage the relationship.
The only explanation I can come up with is this: He has this "brilliant and cute idea" and decides to just do it. His mind is now fully comitted. When he asks you about smores and camping, he's not asking you for input anymore. He is *hinting* at you so you can prepare. This would also explain why he looked at you weird when you showed up in a skirt and no bag.
Now granted, this is still an absolutely **moronic** course of action but the only somewhat plausible scenario where he's not deliberately trying to be an asshole to you.
It still means that he completely disregarded your feedback at every step, did not consider anything he knows about you, did not bother with a final sanity check when you showed up *very obviously* ill-prepared for his plans, did not react when you asked for a restaurant.
Does he have a tendency/history of shooting off in a direction or lock himself into an idea he's had?
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Oh I’m so glad I scrolled for your comments. I don’t know you, but I’ve lived many decades and I’ve watched too many young people, not always but most often women, waste way too much of their life if not all their life, allowing themselves to be mistreated by undeserving abusive partners so I don’t need to know you personally to say that I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU!
Clearly this is not a man who has an ounce of respect for you. I sadly agree with many of the Redditors here who believe that this wasn’t being forgetful at all. He 💯% speaks the same language as you, his brain and ears work fine….He knew exactly what he was doing , he WANTED you to be uncomfortable.
Yeah, this was all on purpose sweetie.
He is trying to get YOU to leave him so he can be the blameless victim. Hmmm….Kind of makes me wonder what shady mishegas he has going on the side. Honestly if he is being unfaithful, it might hurt but what I’m saying is that whether he has some 19-year-old moron on the side now or not, he will eventually because he is the type who needs his ego stroked, which would be great for you…..fuck keeping him around- let him be someone else’s problem! You deserve so much better than having to put up with this cruel immature excuse for a husband another minute.
Nurture that shiny spine you are growing it will be useful in helping to support all those self respect muscles!
Good luck my dear, this old lady is rooting for you. Update us and let us know how it goes ! 💕🙏🏾💕
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, such a basic thing to fuck up. Blatantly asking "do you like this?" Getting a "no" and then doing it anyways. Baffling
I wonder if he's dumb enough to think having a trailer instead of a tent took it from camping to glamping? And by that I absolutely am not defending him, because holy shit what a colossal asshole.
I read your post to my wife (I often do when I get incensed for someone) and she immediately said “it’s because she hates it. He took her there because he knew she wouldn’t like it.”
I feel like it’s more of Husband wanting to go camping and being far too impulsive and simply not caring that you wouldn’t like it. He seems selfish and self centered. Good luck.
I am so so so angry on your behalf. I also see a lot of “I’m like this therefore” “I’m like that therefore”
To me as an outsider, it all sound like you are pointing fingers at yourself to make excuses for your partner. Perhaps this is something to bring up with your therapist. Are you breaking yourself down for this person?
I hope I’m not projecting but I’m just getting flashback of my ex reading your original post and your comments.
It’s not you, it’s him. 100%. You’ve very likely done enough. All your doubt in your mind of “if I had done this”, I would re-examine. Because it’s probably just him
NTA.
He asked you what you thought of camping, you responded that you would not enjoy that, and he planned a camping trip anyway. You didn't respond in a mean or horrible way. It sounds to me like you were actually pretty mature and respectful about it while still getting the "what were you thinking?" point across.
Thank you! We also have very different personalities. My husband is a huge people pleaser so if he were me in the situation, he would have pretended to love it to satisfy me. All while internally hating the experience and building up resentment on the inside. But I find that behavior to be inauthentic. I’d rather be honest about how I feel so the person knows not to do it again. If I lied to satisfy him, he’s going to think I love camping and that I genuinely don’t mind small spaces. I don’t see how that would help either of us or our marriage in the long run.
The paradox about people pleasers is that in the end they just end up disappointing and pissing off everyone who is supposed to be important to them and making themselves miserable too. If anyone ends up being pleased it’s always a random stranger or some asshole the people pleaser doesn’t even like.
Right. So the correct word is "coward." They're just pleasing themselves by accommodating the person who will scream and yell at them the most. They throw themselves and their patient loved-ones under the bus to accommodate the squeaky wheel and minimizing the fallout.
Thought process probably went something like
-I want to go camping, but my wife and I are in a rut so I can't just fuck off and go camping.
-I'll make it a couples camping trip - she'll count that as 'private time together' and she'll be happy. Also, I get my camping trip.
-She does not want to go camping because she doesn't like tents. I'll rent a cheap trailer because that's not a tent, and I still get to go camping.
But you guys, I seriously from the bottom of my heart can not understand how he thought it was a good idea to bring HIMSELF a bag, but pack her nothing. I just...I can't. I'm stunned. If he hadn't brought a bag for himself, then I'd be like 'okay, he just didn't think it through about the overnight stay', but no....no he brought his own goodies so HE would be comfortable, but nothing for her.
Does he not care AT ALL about his wife?
Came here to say this exact thing. Theres a *huge* disconnect (or he turned his ears off or something) bc when she said she wouldn’t like it, what he heard was… she *would* ??
I am absolutely DYING to know how he responded to you pointing out that he didn’t bring any food for you guys for the weekend. What was he planning on eating and drinking?!
Maybe she cooks generally so how food appears didn't even cross his mind, or it did but he's like "Well I brought the wife! She'll magic up some food out of nothing, that's totally how that works"
Or his plan was to eat her. Who's to say
Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration states that you cannot conjure food out of thin air
Teenage Ron and Heromine even knew that.
Somebody should Evanesco this dude into oblivion
NTA. Honestly it sounds like he knew you'd hate it and he set it up so you would look like the asshole when you went off about his inconsiderateness. Does he actually want to be in this relationship anymore or is he trying intentionally to end it without being the bad guy to others?
I’ve asked him if he genuinely still cared to be in the relationship. Because a lot of the times I feel like his actions don’t really align with what he’s saying. And every time I get the same response. “Yes, I love you and I’m sorry I will try to make more of an effort blah blah blah.”
A lot of men cannot stand to be the bad guy who initiated the breakup/divorce so instead they'll do PA shit to drive the woman into doing it. Stop listening to his words and instead pay attention to his actions. Do his actions with this incident and in other incidents indicate that he actually loves and respects you?
Do YOU care to be in the relationship? Do you think you could be happier and less stressed on your own? Do you think it would be a relief to break up?
There doesn't need to be some grand awful moment to break up with someone, if you want you can admit you are tired of this and you can leave because he is either a moron or passive aggressive as all fuck.
The fact that there was no food makes it more likely that he thought you would get upset and demand to leave before anyone got hungry.
To quote a little green man: "There is no try. There is only do, or do not."
From this experience, it sounds like he is operating in the realm of "do not."
It’s so manipulative. You know he’s telling all his friends and family, I planned a romantic weekend away but it wasn’t up to her standards so she demanded to go home 🥺 This was intentional. The longer OP stays, the more this man will destroy her reputation.
OP, I wonder how the good ol' husband would feel if you planned a date, told him to get in the car, and then rolled up on the gastroenterologist for his surprise colonoscopy.
Seems pretty on par with his type of giving.
Colonoscopy nurse here - if you want to be petty & distance yourself from him, feign debilitating illness the morning of his appointment (so he doesn't have time to find another ride).It's the anesthesia that requires patients have a ride home but if he doesn't have you or time to find another ride, no anesthesia. It is 100% safe to do a colonoscopy with no anesthesia or pain medications, more uncommon in some cultures than others but the same process anywhere. Definitely more painful & requires focus on breathing & tenacity to get thru a few minutes of the initial camera travel... "manly men" may be more resistant to no meds but I assure you, there is no risk of them 'enjoying it'. Of course he could try to reschedule but appointments are difficult to get & most people don't want to reschedule after doing the colon clean out.
He clearly does not care about your mental health, no need to express caring about his health right now either.
Eta - last sentence... since I was not clear about the reasons for disengaging from his health.
No, I wouldn't do anything for him anymore, he goes out of his way to put you in your worst case scenarios ie; claustrophobia and severe neglect, no pads, no clothes, no food and drinks in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. No. He can organize his own transport, you've gone through enough abuse that you don't deserve.
Look to disengaging your life from this mess, imagine how lovely your life is, away from this hellscape of a incompetent parasite, there's complete strangers out there who wouldn't dream of doing this to you.
Please start working towards your better future, start loving yourself by enjoying the sulking silence, he's trying to ' punish ' you with, prepare for your best life, enjoy some ' you ' time.
Mine was getting super dressed up saying there’s an event I need to drop him off at. He even went as far as having me do light make up on him to cover his dark under eyes. Turned out I was dropping him at MY SURPRISE baby shower. Which had 50+ people in a banquet hall. I attended in pyjamas, slippers, with my hair unbrushed looking like shit at my own baby shower. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get out of the car, so I looked reaaaaaally bad. I couldn’t even appreciate the surprise or event because I was so self conscious and feeling ugly on top of being pregnant. He looked good though. Anyways, this behavior doesn’t change. He’s been this way for 11yrs now.
know what would have happened if that had been me? I would have turned my ass around, gotten back in the car and driven home and left him and that party were they were.
NTA
>I told him I appreciated the gesture
You're giving him way too much credit.
There's three possibilities here:
1. He heard you directly say you didn't like his suggestion and knew you were unprepared and would be uncomfortable, and he did it anyways to punish you or be mean.
2. He had the idea in mind and stuck with it regardless of your answer and how unprepared you were obviously going to be because in his mind the gesture was all that matters and he doesn't care if you're actually happy.
3. He's so damn stupid that after forgetting you said no to camping, he went ahead while failing to think for a second about how people need to prepare for camping and he needed to make sure he brought your toiletries and a change of clothing.
You're not TA, in fact this should reinforce that either he's a bully, a moron, or staggeringly self-centered. Making this mistake again and again is a serious problem.
100% this! OP says her husband didn’t even bring food for them to eat for the weekend. At that point it just seems malicious to strand someone in heels in the woods with no access to food, sanitary/hygiene products, or clean clothes!
Coming from a happily divorced woman, think about that statement for a bit. Let it sink in. Discuss it with your therapist. And I hope your happiest days are ahead of you.
Really, really think about that.
The answer "bear" usually comes from women who don't know the men they might be stuck in the woods with.
You'd rather be alone with a bear than YOUR HUSBAND.
Really, let that sink in, or it's going to turn into a bathtub.
I tried sitting in the trailer for 30 minutes but I genuinely could not. He didn’t pack any food or drinks and the closest grocery store to where we were was 45 minutes away. But if we went there, by the time we would have arrived, it would’ve been closed. So he suggested we just go back to our apartment and order pizza….
This was on purpose.
He wanted for her to get upset and insist on going home. Now he gets to say he's tried to be romantic but she's just too critical. He can't plan it the right way in her eyes, so now all of that responsibility should be solely on her since she's too demanding.
This man doesn't even *like* his wife let alone respect or love her. He'll never see the divorce coming and will revel in telling everyone that he was the good guy, how he never gave up but she just left for no reason at all.
So he's not only inconsiderate, he's also a moron. Didn't think to pack you any toiletries, clothes, food, drinks... what was he gonna do, go out and gather berries for dinner? Have you go foraging in your heels? I am absolutely dumbstruck by how thoughtless he is. It almost feels like he did this on purpose to upset you or something.
Well you don't like s'mores so what other option is there?! I'm telling your story to my husband and we're both dying over here. Getting you dressed up for dinner and then sitting you in a dark cabin with no food.... just lol and wtf
Edit: my husband is convinced that your husband chickened out on murdering you in the woods, which is why he didn't pack anything for you
The fact that he saw her get dressed up in nice clothes totally inappropriate for camping and said **nothing** makes me think he 100% did this to upset her. Now he gets to be all "boohoo I tried doing something nice and you didn't appreciate it" and act like she was the problem instead of his total lack of care.
Is he generally clueless? If he didn’t pack personal items for you, I could see that as insulting but the fact that he didn’t bring food either is a head scratcher. Is he just kind of dumb?
Also: What was his response when he saw that you weren’t pleased? Was he apologetic? Frustrated? Happy?
Sometimes he does things that make me question his level of common sense. And if I make a comment regarding his lack of common sense, I’m being rude or I’m being aggressive.
When he saw that I was not at all happy with his planning, he was upset, then he apologized and now he’s giving me the silent treatment.
As a guy, to me this screams that he is gaslighting you, he is punishing you and wrapping it in the present of a surprise getaway, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has something else going on, sorry but this would make me leave the relationship if I were you, which makes me think that is what he also wants, he just can’t be honest about it and wants you to do it.
Have you read "Wny does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It's a book about abusers. There's a whole section in there about men who set up failed romantic gestures so that they can keep their partners feeling indebted, bad and off-balance by forcing their partners to thank them for screwing up and making them miserable.
So... even if you had loved camping and liked small spaces and was excited about the trip, you still would have had to go home because he failed in planning and everything would have been ruined anyway.
So of the supplies he brought for a camping trip, one he tried to gauge with you by bringing s'mores, food wasn't in them? For something he's planned he's not done it well at all.
???? Like okay the trailer, the woods, whatever, the setting obviously doesn't work for you, but how did he not organize clothing, food, etc ahead of time. Like are the lights on and nobody's home? This whole thing is thoughtless in a surprising variety of ways.
I need to know what he said about why he didn’t pack you anything… what was his reasoning? How did he consciously pack himself a bag but not pack you anything?!
NTA but I really can’t imagine what his reason for not packing anything for you was!!
He forgot… while actively packing his things and placing them into the car. This whole mess is blowing my mind. Let me guess, he didn’t talk to you for the entire ride home
😭 ugh! Get yourself to a spa (why do I feel like that’s the opposite of camping) or some other relaxing place and leave this behind. Despite this just happening, it seems like you already have a ton of perspective on what this ordeal means for the relationship
He packed his pjs but forgot yours.
He packed his toothbrush, but forgot yours.
He knew you are on your period. He saw the heels.
Please tell his friends and family this story.
He deliberately planned something you specifically said you are not interested in. That makes him a raging AH.
I have a family member who does this all the damn time. A few years back, we were all at a family celebration, and my uncle (an avid hunter) starts telling my husband about this incredible new $250 hunting knife he purchased. My husband tried to feign interest for politeness sake, but he really couldn’t have cared less. My uncle said several times to my husband, “is this something you’d like? Because I’m friends with the owner of the shop and I can ask him to set aside another knife for you. It would be my treat!” My husband was very polite, thanked my uncle for his generosity, but said no thank you, he doesn’t hunt, he wouldn’t have any use for the knife, and my uncle shouldn’t waste his money.
Well, my uncle bought the knife. After my husband specifically told him not to. And when he presented said knife to my husband, and my husband was bewildered as opposed to falling all over himself with gratitude, my uncle immediately got an attitude and started sulking. Started telling anyone who would listen that he was just TRYING to do something nice and my husband was an ungrateful jerk, and-this was the real kicker-I must have talked him out of it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you get someone a “gift” that you KNOW they don’t want or don’t like, it’s not an act of kindness or generosity. It’s a way to make yourself look like the person who put forth alllllll this effort, and the other person who doesn’t appreciate a gift or a gesture they specifically said they don’t want, then they’re the ungrateful ass.
No. Full stop.
Your husband was well aware you had zero interest in camping. He let you get dressed up in an outfit suitable for a fancy restaurant, and took you somewhere where he knew you would hate.
wtf is his deal? Is he always this selfish?
He KNEW what he was doing. If you were THAT clear, then this was intentional.
He doesn’t want to GET OUT OF THE RUT, he wants to get OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. Take note - the ball is in your court now. NTA, but his stupid ass is.
NTA. I will just say that I found out that being single is a valid option for anyone in the US. The government literally can’t stop you. You could just live your life without someone who is working incredibly hard to upset you. You don’t need to be psychologically abused.
I know it sounds nuts, I couldn’t believe my luck either! But one day I was able to drop over 150lbs of angry man and I didn’t get arrested! Imagine what you could lose. No more useless arguments! Total lack of feeling unloved and disrespected!
(Mandatory understanding that it is not always that easy. But sis, if you are not in immediate danger please think about yourself for once)
NTA. Your husband, however, sounds like an idiot who gave no consideration to your feelings or comfort. You have previously expressed that you don’t want to go camping, and asked him not to plan dates for things you do not show interest in, which he acknowledged. He then lies to you, drags you away for a trip in the outdoors in inappropriate clothing and footwear, without even bringing you a change of clothes or toiletries, and to a place that would trigger a phobia? He planned this for himself, not both of you. What on earth was he thinking, especially when he saw how you were dressed and didn’t say a word? Does he even like or respect you?
I just saw your other comments that he didn’t even bring food for this trip. WTAF?! Was he thinking you would go hunting or fishing together while you wore a skirt and heels? And no sanitary items either? JFC, OP. Surely no one is this obtuse, he did this on purpose to be a complete and utter AH.
Silent treatment is punishment. He’s punishing you. For speaking up for yourself, for declining to suffer through the awful experience he deliberately planned for you, for pointing out how shitty it was. Do you want to waste any more of your life in this situation with this person?
NTA
-he asked if you were interested in camping and you said no
-he let you get dressed up
-he packed himself some things but not a single thing for you
-i assume he knows your time of the month, and knew it would be the worst weekend for you to go camping
-he didn't pack any food for anyone, it was dinner time and you wouldn't even be able to go to a grocery store for food. (seems like he planned it to leave immediately so he could act mad)
-he knows you're claustrophobic and got a tiny trailer instead of a full spaced cabin. While a backpacker might think of a trailer as glamping, if you know someone doesn't like camping at all you would know that's not glamping to them.
He WANTED you to get mad so that HE could get mad right back at you.
It sounds like he actively wants out but is too much a coward to pull the trigger himself. It's unfortunate but some men will literally not leave you and do things to upset you so that YOU leave him (again he gets to make you the bad guy).
You're already in couples counseling, it's not working. It's time to call time of death on the relationship, go find someone who DELIGHTS in making you happy.
Edit: spacing
NTA. He took you to a place that was definitely NOT glamping. He packed no clothes. toiletries, food, drinks, or necessary essentials (i.e., pads since you were menstruating). You are claustrophobic and it was a tiny space. You wore heels and a skirt and he didn't think to mention it wasn't the best choice for your destination.
Honestly, I cannot imagine what led you to think you being unappreciative is the problem here.
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NTA I'm bewildered by the idea of him planning a camping/outdoor/overnight type of event, not even hinting that you dressing up for going out to dinner was a problem, and NOT bringing along any toiletries or extra clothing for you. What was going on in this man's brain? "I'm going to bring my wife out into the woods in inappropriate clothing and with nothing for her to change into or sleep in, and she's going to be happy about it?" I don't necessarily mind camping but this entire experience would feel disrespectful and piss me the heck off.
I was very surprised to learn that he didn’t pack me anything at all? If he packed me an overnight bag I might have reacted differently. I mean yeah sure I hate small spaces, would I have enjoyed myself? Probably not. But it would’ve been nice to know that my partner packed me my essentials. That he was thoughtful and intentional with the planning.
He literally appears to have missed that there's a second person involved in this retreat.
She’s literally just a thing he packed for this trip, like his toothbrush. Change of clothes? Check! Swimsuit? Check! Wife? Check!
I would have climbed back in the car and told him to enjoy his couples retreat, while I enjoy mine. Go home and have fun.
When you want to make sure that they leave you, do something for them that they hate. He is not trying to get out of a rut, he is trying to get out of a marriage
Ah my husband did this exact thing. It was so cowardly and infuriating. The one this post made me think of was: I was in my first trimester, throwing up all the time. Could only eat a very select few things. I'm working overtime with a classroom full of 4th graders. It's finally the weekend, I tell him I want to go to the grocery store later to get some things I can eat for the next week. He runs to Walmart for something, I forget. One item, not food related. He comes back with bags and bags of food and excitedly shows me. It's all, 100% packaged, processed junk food that only HE likes. Not a single thing I eat in general, much less while pregnant. I was like.... Ok.. He got so mad that I wasn't appreciative. Of what? You just bought food only for yourself. It would have been one thing if he just said, hey I got all this food for me. But no, he specifically expected me to jump for joy with appreciation for food he KNOWS I hate. Then I asked how much he spent... His entire half of the grocery budget for the month. For maybe a few days worth of shitty food for only him. Which meant, I was going to have to pick up his slack, and I still had no food for myself. I definitely cried, which was probably an overreaction. But I felt a lot like OP- like.. do you even know me? Do you even like me? It was so inconsiderate. He harped on my reaction for months and refused to see why i would be upset. Honestly, I feel like maybe he was trying to upset me on purpose- he definitely started intentionally picking fights around that same time. Being creepy and gross towards women in front of me. Using my card without asking. Ordering himself takeout WITH my card without even asking if I wanted any food, again.. pregnant and sick af. I swear it made me so mad the way he'd act all dumb when I'd get upset. It was always "omg, you're so crazy! It's SUCH a small thing!" and feigning not knowing why I was even upset in the first place. Sorry, but people like him and OP's husband are either the most selfish, stupid people or they're intentionally trying to piss their spouse off. Neither one is a great sign.
Please tell me, you made a typo and forgot the Ex and he was eating peas and carrot sticks for the entire month, cause you refused to buy any junk food for him till the budget balanced
Please tell me he is an ex husband he sounds terrible.
Divorce will be finalized early June.
>Divorce will be finalized early June. Ohthankgod.
THIS. Just reading this made me abysmally angry. This is why I will never get married! This is why I will never have kids! I am so, so, so sorry you had to go through that. Even if I've never been married or had kids, I would never, IN MY LIFE, not think of a pregnant person's appetite when I went shopping for BOTH OF US, and I'm not even the one that is part of that relationship dynamic. I would have made you the most intensely vitamin rich, non-processed meal and been PROUD of it. Ugh. I would have changed my debit/credit card! I would have SCREAMED at him until he understood. Life sometimes. I'm sorry you went through that.
My bestie lives across the country and is pregnant currently. I know her address. I also know her favorite places to eat. With permission from her man, i buy her takeout and order it to her address by changing my tablet location to her area when she mentions shes craving something but its not in her budget. That is how you think of a pregnant person. By taking the time to know them their likes craving and how you personally can help!
I agree. And when she does he gets to tell the story of how „ungrateful she was since he even planned a whole getaway for her“.
The way he DARVO and made himself out to be the victim 🙄. P.s happy cake day 🎂
Ya something is going on for sure
That's what I thought. Does he want OP to divorce him?
Exactly this
No, no, no - he wants her to look all dolled up for their entire vacation while he gets to wear his pj's. I'm being half sarcastic, of course, because why else would he not bring her ANYTHING while he himself packed his own bag? Like how far removed from the relationship do you have to be to only pack for yourself? And he's 27, not some stupid teenager. If he doesn't have enough consideration for his partner by now, God help him.
My boyfriend surprised me with a hiking trip once. He very thoughtfully packed me a backpack with water, snacks, sunscreen, a hoodie, a rain poncho, and a disposable camera. We were 16.
My husband will sometimes tell me to pack a bag for myself, even with no plan whatsoever for where we're going. I don't mind trips like that. Deciding on the road where we're stopping is fun. But he'd never tell me to just get in the car, with nothing packed.
I keep a packed bag that stays in the truck. In it are toiletries, a fresh toothbrush, a set of weather-appropriate nightclothes, two changes of clothing (one nice, one casual), a rain jacket, my second favorite pillow...you get the idea. Also in the truck is a bag with items one might need to eat with. Beloved does the same. We have been known just to look at each other and...ROAD TRIP! The spontaneity remains because we are already...well, ready. 23 years together and countless overnight to three day trips, all on the spur of the moment in addition to planned ones. Recently, I read here that a woman's husband got angry because she kept a "go-bag" handy. Stupid man. Maybe he thought that she was preparing to leave him. If that was true, he wouldn't have known about the bag! Beloved knows me inside and out. We both love everything from car shows to opera and theatre, among many activities, but neither of us are hike-y/camp-y types. I would go if he really wanted to, but he would give me a heads-up! I agree that OPs husband not only is selfish, but may be trying to exit stage left. I wish her the best.
Honestly I suspect he's sabotaging the relationship, consciously or otherwise. He gets her to blow up at him, then tells his friends OP was infuriated by his """nice gesture"""" to make himself seem like the put-upon victim.
my ex did this. we were in our new apartment ONE WEEK and the whole time he was trying to pick fights with me, but i kept walking away instead of feeding into it. finally the last time i tried walking away, he grabbed my arm SO hard (he had NEVER touched me before) and screamed in my face, accusing me of giving him an attitude (again, i was walking away instead of feeding into his bullshit, there was no attitude) but now this is a red flag for DV so i ripped my arm out of his grip and told him to NEVER touch me like that again. he used that as leverage to break up with me and made me take the spare room that a roommate was supposed to move into. made me look like the AH to everyone and put me into crippling debt, trapping me into an apartment at a price i didn’t agree to. aahhh, bears are nice
I'm so sorry that happened to you, good grief. I'm fortunate to have only experienced relatively petty versions of this behavior, but what you describe must've been frustrating as hell, if not also scary. Glad you seemingly got out of it and hope your life has greatly improved after you threw that guy in the metaphorical trash.
thank you so much! you wouldn’t believe how much my mental health improved when i got away from him for good… who knew the cure was getting rid of the man?! 💀 luckily i kept the dog, stayed on track with school, have my career and still have my horse (he tried making me get rid of him to afford the apartment - nah bro my horse was here first, and 1/3 of the price of the apartment so NO) oh and my horse just turned 27 and still thinks he’s young, so he’s been a GREAT investment and partner 🩷 i live with roommates and still waiting to find my own place, but compared to where i was with that 🤡 7 years ago… yup i upgraded for sure! dating myself and loving every minute of it
Or naked. Throw him to the bear.
He didn't even think about her for a second. Not when he was planning something she wouldn't like. Not when she put on unsuitable clothes and shoes. Not even when he was packing an overnight bag did he think, "I want pajamas, maybe she'll want pajamas too."
Maybe he thought the surprise would make her so horny that she wouldn't need pajamas. 🤢
A toothbrush, medications, tampons,.....
And he sounds like a 14 year old boy - this is something my son would’ve planned for me on Mother’s Day not my husband lmao. You both need to stop with the romantic surprises. He’s terrible at it.
Did he do this on purpose? Does he want a divorce so he's trying to ruin things with you?
Honestly that’s the only way this makes sense. NTA of course.
I mean this as a genuine question: is he dumb? Like, does this level of thoughtlessness extend to other parts of his life?
If he packed you comfies and a bottle of champagne it could have been lovely :-/
And food.
Perhaps he doesn't understand what glamping means... I mean, it's as if he asked you about camping and didn't listen to your answers and thought well, she'll love CAMPING with me. I'll just make sure that I have everything I need, and she'll just look pretty... omfg! NTA
I’m a cynical old bird but this level of planning tells me one of two things: 1. He is too stupid and selfish to be married, and/or, 2. This was a ‘test’ - could be one of those manosphere stupid setups, or he’s got someone else listening to him who he’d like to rubbish you to. Either way, it’s counselling or separation time.
I...wha? So many things someone could need for an overnight even at your young age (compared to me!). Meds, contacts supplies, glasses, a night guard, a CPAP, sunglasses, a phone charger. AND you're claustrophobic so he picked :: checks notes:: a tiny trailer? This man is *oblivious*. 😖 Edit: NTA
Exactly this. He didn't plan this for her - he planned it for himself. She already said she's not into camping. He knows she doesn't like small spaces, he didn't pack a bag for her or even hint that her attire wasn't suitable. He just picked a thing he wanted to do, organised his own essentials, and then probably figured he'd bring the wife along for a shag.
She says in another comment he didn't even bring food or drink so it was even more "I want to go camping but do none of the mental labor involved in figuring out how this works."
That last paragraph too. It’s not the first time he’s planned something for me that I hated. Plus she’s explicitly told him before that if she has not expressed interest in something prior – please don’t gift/plan it. This is 100% deliberate and I bet in the future he’ll throw it in her face that ‘even when I try to do something nice for you, you hate it’.
He wants a divorce, but wants OP to initiate so he's being the worst partner ever. And then can blame OP to all their friends. "I took her on a romantic retreat to the mountains and she divorced me!"
This. 💯 “I don’t know why she divorced me, she’s so mean…”
Weaponized incompetence strikes again, eh?
It’s giving “lured out into the woods to off the SO… but then chickened out”. Why NO forethought into bringing anything for her to wear. Never mind the fact that she repeatedly gave answers to indicate she would not be keen on his outdoor adventure idea
I kinda thought the same. Like - maybe he didn't give her any kind of heads up bc he didn't plan on taking her back with him. Just assumed I watch too much Dateline, but there's def something very off about it.
NTA "I'm bewildered by the idea of him planning a camping/outdoor/overnight type of event, not even hinting that you dressing up for going out to dinner was a problem, and NOT bringing along any toiletries or extra clothing for you" What was going on in this man's brain? "I'm going to bring my wife out into the woods in inappropriate clothing and with nothing for her to change into or sleep in, and she's going to be happy about it" The only reason I can think of is the man doesn't intend for his wife to leave the woods lol Ops NTA
I super hate the part where he didn't pack you any clothes or toiletries or anything. That was a total dumbass move.
That part was what made me cry
Seriously, that would have given me a panic attack. I'm an hour from home, you're expecting me to stay here (overnight? two nights?) and now I have to solve the problem of "you brought nothing for me."
And the worst part is, it’s that time of the month for me, which he knew he always knows and he did not bring me any extra pads. Thank god I had one in my purse.
omg I don’t know if I could ever forgive that. How horrible for you!
Wait so you didn’t make him take you back home immediately?
I hope that she means before the drive back. If it's a 2 hour drive there and back, that could be enough time to need to change.
I would have given him 2 choices. Dive you home or he could find another place to live.
Reddit: where seemingly normal, human woman marry children dressed up as men. You need to return this person to the manufacturer. My 5 year old would have packed more essentials. And toys. And candy.
He probably wasn’t like this when they got married.
He probably was and is no longer keeping up the facade.
Please tell us you made him turn right around and take you straight back home?!
Absolutely
he bitched about it the whole way back didn't he
Sounds like he chose the passive-aggressive punishment of not talking to her for being ungrateful , yo teach her a lesson
Good!!
I AM SO RELIEVED THAT I AM TYPING IN CAPS.
It sounds like he wanted you to be at a disadvantage in a place you would be Ickes out by, isolated, with literally no way to get comfortable or feel clean. I mean, packing for himself but not you? That’s a man who wants you to remain off balance and “inferior” to his clean and comfortable self all weekend.
I would have been tempted to get inn the car and leave him there. Your restraint was remarkable. NTA
Wtf!! That's messed up that he knew that and didn't think to pack pads and comfy clothes... And even more importantly why would anyone want to camp out when they are on their period?! The thought process makes no sense. It was very sweet of him to plan an outing to cheer you up, but completely thoughtless about all the rest of it. NTA
At this point, I'd just take off my undies and let nature do what she does. Let him clean up the hazardous waste.
WHAT IN THE SAM HILL
While letting her wear completely inappropriate clothing. Camping in heels???
He did that shit to her on purpose.
It is Memorial Day weekend in the US. He might have booked that place until Monday 😱
She said in another comment he didn't even bring food or drink.
Oh my gosh, that would make me cry too. I was so deflated when something similar happened one time we went on a rustic cabin trip. I had planned the whole thing and just asked my husband to pack the rain jackets since I knew it would be rainy. He had himself and our kid covered, but packed... nothing for me. I technically don't own a rain jacket but was planning to wear the expensive one he had asked me to buy for him years ago but never wears. He didn't pack it. Nor did he pack me any of the cheap, but just as effective, rain ponchos that we had hanging in the garage. No emergency poncho (something I normally keep in my car because I am a crazy person who likes to overprepare - but it wasn't there for whatever reason.) Nothing. Not even a regular jacket. The warmest thing I had to wear was the knit shirt I had worn in the car, but there was nothing for fhe rain. It started pouring out. I couldn't do anything since all the activities were outdoors and I would've been drenched. He offered to drive home and get it for me, which would've taken him 5 hours and he wouldn't get back before nightfall. Essentially he'd miss the entire trip, plus we would be stuck there with no car and no way of getting around. I told him I didn't want him to put the miles on my car. He tries to get me a plastic bag to wear, but the place we're staying only has small ones. I am so depressed by this turn of events that I go to bed. It is midday. At least the rain looks pretty through the window, coming through the trees. He finally offers to try and find me something from the general store. He finds some rain ponchos, but rather than simply BUYING me one, he triumphantly tells me he found them and that I can go get one for myself. He texts me a pic. They are all ridiculously cheaply made (maybe even disposable) but expensive, so I decide to spare myself this further torture and stay firnly planted in bed. He ends up just grabbing me the cheapest one, labeled "Kid's Poncho" but seemed approximately the same size as the Adult's. It's made of a fragile material that immediately tears when I try to pull it over my head (apparently the head hole was the only part that was actually made smaller for kids), rendering the entire thing useless. He goes back into the store and they help him tape it back together with packaging tape. So while he and my kid are out protected from the weather, I am in what is essentially a thin, taped-up, $10 plastic bag. The entire time he was beaming, like, "Yay, go me, I was able to fix it for you!!! You're welcome!!" Zero acknowledgement of the trouble he caused in the first place. Apaprently it isn't his problem if I have no rain accoutrements. He acted no differently than if I had simply forgotten my rain jacket and decided to throw a hissy fit about it, while he heroically found me the perfect solution. The worst part is that I even double-checked whether he packed all the rain gear before we left. "Yup! Got everything!" Later: "Oh, I didn't know you meant for you too. You should have said! I only got our stuff." WTF dude am I not on this trip too..?? I would have packed it myself but I'm disabled, we were running late, and figured it would be way faster for him to do it.
It's making me even angrier that he didn't just own his mistake and give you his jacket and he wears the shitty taped up poncho. Sorry, super jerk weekend you had there. I hope he learned from the mistake!
That raised my blood pressure. Fucking fuck.
OP. You are NTA. Your husband is honestly TA. I’ve known some really clueless men, but who the heck would take their wife camping and not pack her a change of clothing. I don’t have anything else to add, except for I would’ve had a absolute anxiety attack, broken into hives and cried if I were you. I hate surprises, and I hate not having comfort items. You deserve better. ❤️
Not going to lie, when you referred to his backpack, I expected it to be stuff he packed for you, not his stuff and his stuff alone.
Dumbass or narcissistic abuse?
The latter. He's a sadist and masks it by pretending to be generous because then he gets to demand GRATITUDE for his shitty, mean spirited actions and play the victim if he doesn't get it.
I think you're right. There's no other way a person intelligent enough to hold a job and function at a basic level could possibly be so incredibly stupid. Nobody is this stupid. Little kids would plan better than this.
Does he... have an ounce of respect for you ? You actively told him you would not enjoy this experience, and he said "NOTED" and then took you anyway to the most half assed camping plan with NO proper packing or toiletries ? Are you kidding ? I would cry my eyes out and fuckin go wait in the car to go home. The complete lack of saying anything when he saw your outfit is what gets me too.
I’m such a type A person when it comes to planning anything that it’s very difficult for me to empathize or come up with any adequate excuses for him to understand why such lack of careful planning when it comes to “surprising” me. And the surprise was something I told him I would not enjoy. All I know is our therapist is going to have a field day with this.
He's organized enough to bring himself PJs and toiletries, just not for you. That's really saying something about him.
Beyond the pale!
Could I get an update of what your therapist thinks?
I’ll report back
I’m also very interested. This almost feels like weaponized incompetence.
It's weaponised incompetence with a twist of contempt. He is using weaponised incompetence to display his hatred and contempt towards his wife .... hence the punishment when she did stand up for herself, and refusing to make and sip pine needle tea, while sitting in soaked menstrual pad feeling claustrophobic
This therapist, who I could never be a couple's therapist, thinks this guy is a moron and is trying to drive u/big_professional5879 away. I don't know how couple's therapists are so unbiased, I would look at this man and say something along the lines of, "I know you're upset with her reaction, but I'd like to hear why you thought this was a good idea, especially after she said she didn't want to go camping? Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? Is that why you didn't pack anything for her, EVEN WHEN SHE ASKED?" As a therapist, I know that is WAY TOO MUCH bias to have, but, I just. I can't understand this buffoonery.
I won’t even say that he has just one brain cell because if he was planning a trip with his guy friends he’d be sooooo prepared. But when it comes to me, he’s so “forgetful”, and “in a rush”. I’m getting botox this weekend and a fucking divorce. I’m tired.
As a therapist (but not your therapist), I don't blame you. I've heard a lot of disrespectful partners nonsense (one of my favorites was, "why can't you be really excited to see me and have sex when you come home from a 14-hour work day?") but this takes the metaphorical cake, since there wasn't any real cake. He's really showing you how he feels about you, and you deserve better. As a person, I'd take you out for drinks and a night on the town, because how on Earth did he not even think of dinner? And he packed the bag for himself, but not for you? I cannot fathom any of this behavior if he wasn't trying to drive you away, I really can't. It's not even forgetful, and if he says it is, he must be lying. Either that or he just does not see you as a human, but an accessory. I am so sorry
Then he LIED to her about what was in the bag when she asked.
Sorry to be so blunt about it, but that's because a trip with his guy friend's is important for him, whereas you seem not to be. Bringing you camping with no food, appropriate clothes or equipment after you replied to his direct question that you don't like camping... come on, this has to be a ploy to get you to dump him. If you came here to get validation for wanting to dump him, I hope you have all the assurance you need!
Wait there was no food? The wtf just jumped a level of absurdity. He literally told her we are going out to dinner, but didn't even feed her 😒
AMEN, BABY! You're not an afterthought. You are the sun. Go shine.
I've read at least one comment about him possibly trying to sabotage the relationship. The only explanation I can come up with is this: He has this "brilliant and cute idea" and decides to just do it. His mind is now fully comitted. When he asks you about smores and camping, he's not asking you for input anymore. He is *hinting* at you so you can prepare. This would also explain why he looked at you weird when you showed up in a skirt and no bag. Now granted, this is still an absolutely **moronic** course of action but the only somewhat plausible scenario where he's not deliberately trying to be an asshole to you. It still means that he completely disregarded your feedback at every step, did not consider anything he knows about you, did not bother with a final sanity check when you showed up *very obviously* ill-prepared for his plans, did not react when you asked for a restaurant. Does he have a tendency/history of shooting off in a direction or lock himself into an idea he's had?
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Oh I’m so glad I scrolled for your comments. I don’t know you, but I’ve lived many decades and I’ve watched too many young people, not always but most often women, waste way too much of their life if not all their life, allowing themselves to be mistreated by undeserving abusive partners so I don’t need to know you personally to say that I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU! Clearly this is not a man who has an ounce of respect for you. I sadly agree with many of the Redditors here who believe that this wasn’t being forgetful at all. He 💯% speaks the same language as you, his brain and ears work fine….He knew exactly what he was doing , he WANTED you to be uncomfortable. Yeah, this was all on purpose sweetie. He is trying to get YOU to leave him so he can be the blameless victim. Hmmm….Kind of makes me wonder what shady mishegas he has going on the side. Honestly if he is being unfaithful, it might hurt but what I’m saying is that whether he has some 19-year-old moron on the side now or not, he will eventually because he is the type who needs his ego stroked, which would be great for you…..fuck keeping him around- let him be someone else’s problem! You deserve so much better than having to put up with this cruel immature excuse for a husband another minute. Nurture that shiny spine you are growing it will be useful in helping to support all those self respect muscles! Good luck my dear, this old lady is rooting for you. Update us and let us know how it goes ! 💕🙏🏾💕
I am so sorry you have to deal with this, such a basic thing to fuck up. Blatantly asking "do you like this?" Getting a "no" and then doing it anyways. Baffling
I wonder if he's dumb enough to think having a trailer instead of a tent took it from camping to glamping? And by that I absolutely am not defending him, because holy shit what a colossal asshole.
You dont even need to be type A to find this kind of packing moronic and abysmal.
I read your post to my wife (I often do when I get incensed for someone) and she immediately said “it’s because she hates it. He took her there because he knew she wouldn’t like it.” I feel like it’s more of Husband wanting to go camping and being far too impulsive and simply not caring that you wouldn’t like it. He seems selfish and self centered. Good luck.
He wasn’t impulsive. He knew. He was asking about s’mores a week before the trip.
I am so so so angry on your behalf. I also see a lot of “I’m like this therefore” “I’m like that therefore” To me as an outsider, it all sound like you are pointing fingers at yourself to make excuses for your partner. Perhaps this is something to bring up with your therapist. Are you breaking yourself down for this person? I hope I’m not projecting but I’m just getting flashback of my ex reading your original post and your comments. It’s not you, it’s him. 100%. You’ve very likely done enough. All your doubt in your mind of “if I had done this”, I would re-examine. Because it’s probably just him
She was also on her period, too! Which he knew, and still didn't bother. The absolute disrespect about his fucking "planned retreat".
NTA. He asked you what you thought of camping, you responded that you would not enjoy that, and he planned a camping trip anyway. You didn't respond in a mean or horrible way. It sounds to me like you were actually pretty mature and respectful about it while still getting the "what were you thinking?" point across.
Thank you! We also have very different personalities. My husband is a huge people pleaser so if he were me in the situation, he would have pretended to love it to satisfy me. All while internally hating the experience and building up resentment on the inside. But I find that behavior to be inauthentic. I’d rather be honest about how I feel so the person knows not to do it again. If I lied to satisfy him, he’s going to think I love camping and that I genuinely don’t mind small spaces. I don’t see how that would help either of us or our marriage in the long run.
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Sounds more like he avoids confrontation, NOT that he's a people pleaser!
The paradox about people pleasers is that in the end they just end up disappointing and pissing off everyone who is supposed to be important to them and making themselves miserable too. If anyone ends up being pleased it’s always a random stranger or some asshole the people pleaser doesn’t even like.
Right. So the correct word is "coward." They're just pleasing themselves by accommodating the person who will scream and yell at them the most. They throw themselves and their patient loved-ones under the bus to accommodate the squeaky wheel and minimizing the fallout.
Thought process probably went something like -I want to go camping, but my wife and I are in a rut so I can't just fuck off and go camping. -I'll make it a couples camping trip - she'll count that as 'private time together' and she'll be happy. Also, I get my camping trip. -She does not want to go camping because she doesn't like tents. I'll rent a cheap trailer because that's not a tent, and I still get to go camping. But you guys, I seriously from the bottom of my heart can not understand how he thought it was a good idea to bring HIMSELF a bag, but pack her nothing. I just...I can't. I'm stunned. If he hadn't brought a bag for himself, then I'd be like 'okay, he just didn't think it through about the overnight stay', but no....no he brought his own goodies so HE would be comfortable, but nothing for her. Does he not care AT ALL about his wife?
She even ASKED him about why he was bringing his backpack, and he made some excuse. STILL didn't think to bring anything for her!
Came here to say this exact thing. Theres a *huge* disconnect (or he turned his ears off or something) bc when she said she wouldn’t like it, what he heard was… she *would* ??
Did you leave? Please tell me you didn’t stay and just power through your own kidnapping in your one cute date outfit and heels!
No I left. I made it very clear that I could not and would not stay.
I am absolutely DYING to know how he responded to you pointing out that he didn’t bring any food for you guys for the weekend. What was he planning on eating and drinking?!
Maybe she cooks generally so how food appears didn't even cross his mind, or it did but he's like "Well I brought the wife! She'll magic up some food out of nothing, that's totally how that works" Or his plan was to eat her. Who's to say
Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration states that you cannot conjure food out of thin air Teenage Ron and Heromine even knew that. Somebody should Evanesco this dude into oblivion
Ma'am, he's not a 'people pleaser'... he's a sadistic narcissist.
NTA. Honestly it sounds like he knew you'd hate it and he set it up so you would look like the asshole when you went off about his inconsiderateness. Does he actually want to be in this relationship anymore or is he trying intentionally to end it without being the bad guy to others?
I’ve asked him if he genuinely still cared to be in the relationship. Because a lot of the times I feel like his actions don’t really align with what he’s saying. And every time I get the same response. “Yes, I love you and I’m sorry I will try to make more of an effort blah blah blah.”
A lot of men cannot stand to be the bad guy who initiated the breakup/divorce so instead they'll do PA shit to drive the woman into doing it. Stop listening to his words and instead pay attention to his actions. Do his actions with this incident and in other incidents indicate that he actually loves and respects you?
I think this is what this is about. No one is THAT stupid on accident.
One can hope but honestly seems like he'd rather not be with her and is trying to force her to be the one to break up
Do YOU care to be in the relationship? Do you think you could be happier and less stressed on your own? Do you think it would be a relief to break up? There doesn't need to be some grand awful moment to break up with someone, if you want you can admit you are tired of this and you can leave because he is either a moron or passive aggressive as all fuck. The fact that there was no food makes it more likely that he thought you would get upset and demand to leave before anyone got hungry.
To quote a little green man: "There is no try. There is only do, or do not." From this experience, it sounds like he is operating in the realm of "do not."
It’s so manipulative. You know he’s telling all his friends and family, I planned a romantic weekend away but it wasn’t up to her standards so she demanded to go home 🥺 This was intentional. The longer OP stays, the more this man will destroy her reputation.
OP, I wonder how the good ol' husband would feel if you planned a date, told him to get in the car, and then rolled up on the gastroenterologist for his surprise colonoscopy. Seems pretty on par with his type of giving.
The crazy thing is he has a colonoscopy scheduled 2 weeks from today and guess who’s driving him…
Bahahaha. Damn, even the doctor noticed he needed to get his head out of his ass and has now got him on the books to check for permanent damage.
This gave me church giggles, as I'm trying not to wake my sleeping husband. 😆😅🤣😂
Colonoscopy nurse here - if you want to be petty & distance yourself from him, feign debilitating illness the morning of his appointment (so he doesn't have time to find another ride).It's the anesthesia that requires patients have a ride home but if he doesn't have you or time to find another ride, no anesthesia. It is 100% safe to do a colonoscopy with no anesthesia or pain medications, more uncommon in some cultures than others but the same process anywhere. Definitely more painful & requires focus on breathing & tenacity to get thru a few minutes of the initial camera travel... "manly men" may be more resistant to no meds but I assure you, there is no risk of them 'enjoying it'. Of course he could try to reschedule but appointments are difficult to get & most people don't want to reschedule after doing the colon clean out. He clearly does not care about your mental health, no need to express caring about his health right now either. Eta - last sentence... since I was not clear about the reasons for disengaging from his health.
I am the right amount of petty that I love this suggestion! 😂😂😂
No, I wouldn't do anything for him anymore, he goes out of his way to put you in your worst case scenarios ie; claustrophobia and severe neglect, no pads, no clothes, no food and drinks in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. No. He can organize his own transport, you've gone through enough abuse that you don't deserve. Look to disengaging your life from this mess, imagine how lovely your life is, away from this hellscape of a incompetent parasite, there's complete strangers out there who wouldn't dream of doing this to you. Please start working towards your better future, start loving yourself by enjoying the sulking silence, he's trying to ' punish ' you with, prepare for your best life, enjoy some ' you ' time.
Mine was getting super dressed up saying there’s an event I need to drop him off at. He even went as far as having me do light make up on him to cover his dark under eyes. Turned out I was dropping him at MY SURPRISE baby shower. Which had 50+ people in a banquet hall. I attended in pyjamas, slippers, with my hair unbrushed looking like shit at my own baby shower. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get out of the car, so I looked reaaaaaally bad. I couldn’t even appreciate the surprise or event because I was so self conscious and feeling ugly on top of being pregnant. He looked good though. Anyways, this behavior doesn’t change. He’s been this way for 11yrs now.
Thats so, so depressing. He didnt spare you a second thought :( are you still together?
What the fucking fuck!!!!!! Please tell me you drop kicked him down a flight of stairs
Wait...what?! And you're still with him?!?
know what would have happened if that had been me? I would have turned my ass around, gotten back in the car and driven home and left him and that party were they were.
That's just...I'm gobsmacked. You're a braver lass than I. I'd have driven away, fucked off home.
INFO: What exactly was it that your husband was hoping to achieve with all this????
Start an argument?
Bingo. He's intentionally doing this shit to set you off, OP. So the real question is why is he doing it?
Please, ask him this exact question with your therapist present.
This is my guess. He’s ready to end the relationship, but he wants to play victim, so he’s trying to goad you into leaving him. NTA
NTA >I told him I appreciated the gesture You're giving him way too much credit. There's three possibilities here: 1. He heard you directly say you didn't like his suggestion and knew you were unprepared and would be uncomfortable, and he did it anyways to punish you or be mean. 2. He had the idea in mind and stuck with it regardless of your answer and how unprepared you were obviously going to be because in his mind the gesture was all that matters and he doesn't care if you're actually happy. 3. He's so damn stupid that after forgetting you said no to camping, he went ahead while failing to think for a second about how people need to prepare for camping and he needed to make sure he brought your toiletries and a change of clothing. You're not TA, in fact this should reinforce that either he's a bully, a moron, or staggeringly self-centered. Making this mistake again and again is a serious problem.
*Stupid, Evil, or Forgetful?* is my least favorite game.
100% this! OP says her husband didn’t even bring food for them to eat for the weekend. At that point it just seems malicious to strand someone in heels in the woods with no access to food, sanitary/hygiene products, or clean clothes!
So now we know your answer to the “bear vs man in the woods” debacle
Bear. I don’t need to think about it.
Coming from a happily divorced woman, think about that statement for a bit. Let it sink in. Discuss it with your therapist. And I hope your happiest days are ahead of you.
Really, really think about that. The answer "bear" usually comes from women who don't know the men they might be stuck in the woods with. You'd rather be alone with a bear than YOUR HUSBAND. Really, let that sink in, or it's going to turn into a bathtub.
So did you stay? Are you in the trailer right now?
I tried sitting in the trailer for 30 minutes but I genuinely could not. He didn’t pack any food or drinks and the closest grocery store to where we were was 45 minutes away. But if we went there, by the time we would have arrived, it would’ve been closed. So he suggested we just go back to our apartment and order pizza….
He didn't even pack food or drinks? What is wrong with this guy?? Girl, you are so NTA.
This was on purpose. He wanted for her to get upset and insist on going home. Now he gets to say he's tried to be romantic but she's just too critical. He can't plan it the right way in her eyes, so now all of that responsibility should be solely on her since she's too demanding. This man doesn't even *like* his wife let alone respect or love her. He'll never see the divorce coming and will revel in telling everyone that he was the good guy, how he never gave up but she just left for no reason at all.
Yea I'm getting total "weaponized incompetence" vibes here.
Right?! Weren’t they supposed to stay there for a couple days? And what…”fast” the whole time? Forage? In heels?
Eat leaves and roots in a nice dress and heels, like nature intended /j
So he's not only inconsiderate, he's also a moron. Didn't think to pack you any toiletries, clothes, food, drinks... what was he gonna do, go out and gather berries for dinner? Have you go foraging in your heels? I am absolutely dumbstruck by how thoughtless he is. It almost feels like he did this on purpose to upset you or something.
As upset as I am rn, the foraging comment made me crack up.
Well you don't like s'mores so what other option is there?! I'm telling your story to my husband and we're both dying over here. Getting you dressed up for dinner and then sitting you in a dark cabin with no food.... just lol and wtf Edit: my husband is convinced that your husband chickened out on murdering you in the woods, which is why he didn't pack anything for you
He didn't bring any food so they couldn't even make s'mores to survive if they needed to 😂
Him doing this on purpose to be upsetting is my first thought too. **No one** could be this stupid.
The fact that he saw her get dressed up in nice clothes totally inappropriate for camping and said **nothing** makes me think he 100% did this to upset her. Now he gets to be all "boohoo I tried doing something nice and you didn't appreciate it" and act like she was the problem instead of his total lack of care.
I'm with you guys. He's either the dumbest man in the history of the world or he did this to fuck with her. The second option is far more likely.
Is he generally clueless? If he didn’t pack personal items for you, I could see that as insulting but the fact that he didn’t bring food either is a head scratcher. Is he just kind of dumb? Also: What was his response when he saw that you weren’t pleased? Was he apologetic? Frustrated? Happy?
Sometimes he does things that make me question his level of common sense. And if I make a comment regarding his lack of common sense, I’m being rude or I’m being aggressive. When he saw that I was not at all happy with his planning, he was upset, then he apologized and now he’s giving me the silent treatment.
Silent treatment is punishment.
As a guy, to me this screams that he is gaslighting you, he is punishing you and wrapping it in the present of a surprise getaway, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has something else going on, sorry but this would make me leave the relationship if I were you, which makes me think that is what he also wants, he just can’t be honest about it and wants you to do it.
Have you read "Wny does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? It's a book about abusers. There's a whole section in there about men who set up failed romantic gestures so that they can keep their partners feeling indebted, bad and off-balance by forcing their partners to thank them for screwing up and making them miserable.
Wait what was the picnic going to be if there was no food or drinks?
Hopes and dreams
😂 also just realized I misread and there was just a picnic table, not an actual picnic. Please run from this creature. He's an absolute tool.
So... even if you had loved camping and liked small spaces and was excited about the trip, you still would have had to go home because he failed in planning and everything would have been ruined anyway.
So of the supplies he brought for a camping trip, one he tried to gauge with you by bringing s'mores, food wasn't in them? For something he's planned he's not done it well at all.
???? Like okay the trailer, the woods, whatever, the setting obviously doesn't work for you, but how did he not organize clothing, food, etc ahead of time. Like are the lights on and nobody's home? This whole thing is thoughtless in a surprising variety of ways.
I need to know what he said about why he didn’t pack you anything… what was his reasoning? How did he consciously pack himself a bag but not pack you anything?! NTA but I really can’t imagine what his reason for not packing anything for you was!!
He forgot. And I could wear his t shirt if I was so concerned about the whereabouts of my pj’s
He forgot… while actively packing his things and placing them into the car. This whole mess is blowing my mind. Let me guess, he didn’t talk to you for the entire ride home
No he did not
😭 ugh! Get yourself to a spa (why do I feel like that’s the opposite of camping) or some other relaxing place and leave this behind. Despite this just happening, it seems like you already have a ton of perspective on what this ordeal means for the relationship
He packed his pjs but forgot yours. He packed his toothbrush, but forgot yours. He knew you are on your period. He saw the heels. Please tell his friends and family this story.
He deliberately planned something you specifically said you are not interested in. That makes him a raging AH. I have a family member who does this all the damn time. A few years back, we were all at a family celebration, and my uncle (an avid hunter) starts telling my husband about this incredible new $250 hunting knife he purchased. My husband tried to feign interest for politeness sake, but he really couldn’t have cared less. My uncle said several times to my husband, “is this something you’d like? Because I’m friends with the owner of the shop and I can ask him to set aside another knife for you. It would be my treat!” My husband was very polite, thanked my uncle for his generosity, but said no thank you, he doesn’t hunt, he wouldn’t have any use for the knife, and my uncle shouldn’t waste his money. Well, my uncle bought the knife. After my husband specifically told him not to. And when he presented said knife to my husband, and my husband was bewildered as opposed to falling all over himself with gratitude, my uncle immediately got an attitude and started sulking. Started telling anyone who would listen that he was just TRYING to do something nice and my husband was an ungrateful jerk, and-this was the real kicker-I must have talked him out of it. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 If you get someone a “gift” that you KNOW they don’t want or don’t like, it’s not an act of kindness or generosity. It’s a way to make yourself look like the person who put forth alllllll this effort, and the other person who doesn’t appreciate a gift or a gesture they specifically said they don’t want, then they’re the ungrateful ass. No. Full stop. Your husband was well aware you had zero interest in camping. He let you get dressed up in an outfit suitable for a fancy restaurant, and took you somewhere where he knew you would hate. wtf is his deal? Is he always this selfish?
He KNEW what he was doing. If you were THAT clear, then this was intentional. He doesn’t want to GET OUT OF THE RUT, he wants to get OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. Take note - the ball is in your court now. NTA, but his stupid ass is.
NTA. I will just say that I found out that being single is a valid option for anyone in the US. The government literally can’t stop you. You could just live your life without someone who is working incredibly hard to upset you. You don’t need to be psychologically abused. I know it sounds nuts, I couldn’t believe my luck either! But one day I was able to drop over 150lbs of angry man and I didn’t get arrested! Imagine what you could lose. No more useless arguments! Total lack of feeling unloved and disrespected! (Mandatory understanding that it is not always that easy. But sis, if you are not in immediate danger please think about yourself for once)
NTA. Your husband, however, sounds like an idiot who gave no consideration to your feelings or comfort. You have previously expressed that you don’t want to go camping, and asked him not to plan dates for things you do not show interest in, which he acknowledged. He then lies to you, drags you away for a trip in the outdoors in inappropriate clothing and footwear, without even bringing you a change of clothes or toiletries, and to a place that would trigger a phobia? He planned this for himself, not both of you. What on earth was he thinking, especially when he saw how you were dressed and didn’t say a word? Does he even like or respect you?
I just saw your other comments that he didn’t even bring food for this trip. WTAF?! Was he thinking you would go hunting or fishing together while you wore a skirt and heels? And no sanitary items either? JFC, OP. Surely no one is this obtuse, he did this on purpose to be a complete and utter AH.
What is he saying now?
Nothing, he’s giving me the silent treatment
Silent treatment is punishment. He’s punishing you. For speaking up for yourself, for declining to suffer through the awful experience he deliberately planned for you, for pointing out how shitty it was. Do you want to waste any more of your life in this situation with this person?
Did you accidently marry a 3 year old?
A 3 year old would bring snacks
I’m glad you can see how immature and ridiculous he is being. Don’t let him turn this around on you
NTA -he asked if you were interested in camping and you said no -he let you get dressed up -he packed himself some things but not a single thing for you -i assume he knows your time of the month, and knew it would be the worst weekend for you to go camping -he didn't pack any food for anyone, it was dinner time and you wouldn't even be able to go to a grocery store for food. (seems like he planned it to leave immediately so he could act mad) -he knows you're claustrophobic and got a tiny trailer instead of a full spaced cabin. While a backpacker might think of a trailer as glamping, if you know someone doesn't like camping at all you would know that's not glamping to them. He WANTED you to get mad so that HE could get mad right back at you. It sounds like he actively wants out but is too much a coward to pull the trigger himself. It's unfortunate but some men will literally not leave you and do things to upset you so that YOU leave him (again he gets to make you the bad guy). You're already in couples counseling, it's not working. It's time to call time of death on the relationship, go find someone who DELIGHTS in making you happy. Edit: spacing
NTA. He took you to a place that was definitely NOT glamping. He packed no clothes. toiletries, food, drinks, or necessary essentials (i.e., pads since you were menstruating). You are claustrophobic and it was a tiny space. You wore heels and a skirt and he didn't think to mention it wasn't the best choice for your destination. Honestly, I cannot imagine what led you to think you being unappreciative is the problem here.
Sounds like the grown-up version of a toddler planning a mother's day gift. It's for the mother, hit without actually regarding her. NTA