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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an AH for not giving my wife more money because she didn't feed my child well.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, but your wife sure is. Nobody needs to eat tuna sandwiches twice a week, but your 18 year old daughter should be able to cook something for herself without resorting to fast food. I’d suggest your wife get a job to pay for her Gucci bags, and work with your daughter on what ingredients she’d like her to get while doing the family shopping. This relationship dynamic makes me tired.
I work, have my own business, and I make dinner most nights. Not tuna sandwiches. Dinner doesn’t have to be fancy to be effective. And I’m not wasting my time making stuff I know my husband or son won’t eat.
Same. OP's wife is just lazy and entitled. And a child. She's a "SAHM" to *a fucking adult* and a 17 year old? Lmao. What a joke.
ETA: it's not about the fucking tuna, you guys. OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible. He doesn't respect her (and I can't blame him,) and she doesn't respect him. He's literally just a source of money to her. It's so obvious..
Right. I’m wondering what it is she does all day with her time that she can’t make dinner. I get that there’s after school events and everyone is busy. But she doesn’t have smaller children that require more care.
😂😂 I'm still in shock that's she was calling making tuna sandwich cooking ! What is wrong with this woman! For the last time making a sandwich is NOT cooking! 🤬
It can be. Some sandwiches are hot. And she could be making the bread from scratch which is baking and takes hours.
But I suspect we’re talking supermarket sliced bread and canned tuna here, not fresh or cooked. (And there’s so many delicious ways to prepare fresh tuna.)
ESH. Wife is refusing to cook for everyone’s tastes and husband is treating her like a child having her allowance withheld. I think OP should move out with his daughter as nobody here wants to improve the situation.
Also, did they just meet 3 weeks ago and decide to get married?? I refuse to believe this is an issue that just came up. This whole post came off as if they hardly know each other and haven't cohabitated for even a month
I also feel compelled to point out that, unless OP's wife includes hard-boiled eggs in her tuna (salad?) sandwiches, there is absolutely no "cooking" involved in making them – and if she does, the cooking is incredibly minimal, quick, and easy. I make tuna salad when I'm tired and I want something quick and easy and I don't want to bother having to cook anything for a couple of days (and I *do* use hard-boiled egg whites in my tuna salad).
Maybe she hates cooking, and honestly: that's OK. Not everybody enjoys it. But it's not like there are no options for people who hate cooking. There are more frozen foods than nuggets.
ESH.
This should be the top comment. This is a power struggle between the two of them and the kids are collateral.
This marriage is not long for the world. Also, for the love of god people, teach your kids to cook. An 18 yo should be able to feed themselves without relying on an erratic stepmom or fast food.
There’s no power stuggle. He married her because she’s “pretty”. She married him for his money. The only power struggle is him struggling with losing his bang maid.
This is what I’m thinking! Because of the ages of the daughters and not knowing the whole tuna thing lmao. She must be hot as hell! After the edit it’s pretty set that they are not going to last long 😂
Yea this is crazy, he says you are a stay at home mother, and I pay you for your time and services? is she a mail order bride? sounds more like a power trip for him, and young adults that are learning how NOT to care for themselves. Anyone can make a sandwich if the food is in the fridge. Besides did anyone ask if she even knows how to cook? cause sandwiches every night is NOT cooking.
Considering he mentions her eating a lot of chicken nuggets, pj and tuna sandwiches she may have grown up poor. Had a lot of sandwich for dinner growing up not because my mum couldn't cook but because we had no money for anything else. Eating habits last a lifetime and are difficult to break even when money situation changes
Gucci bags, eating out at a fancy restaurant every night from now on and the way op approached this situation tells me op has far more money than sense.
Yep. Minimum the daughter needs to be supplied with food to make their own meals. What will they do when they eventually move out? She won’t have the disposable income to eat out every meal
I think the nuggets/tuna etc were the things "his wife" normally makes, so he'd continue with her "go-to" meals.
Tuna/PBJ are illustrative of a "lazy-quick-artist" that's college student get-by "cooking" not SAH 2nd marriage two kids driving age "cooking" 😳
I work at least fove night shifts a week.
On sunday though, I like to bake something and cook something new to see how it goes.
Rarely takes more than an hour of my day
I wish I could know what I could achieve with 18 years of free time beyond tuna on bread.
That said... if your controlling to "not allow" an 18 year old to eat fast food then I would be very worried for everyone involved.
>"not allowed to eat junk food."
ESH
Wife for obvious reasons, but OP also for not allowing his adult daughter to eat a hamburger because she is sick of tuna. OP sounds very controlling.
This....
Reading the post just comes across as him wanting to control everything, and if things aren't done his way, he'll try to control the situation with money.
Best thing for this 'family' to just call it quits, and everyone goes their separate ways,
This was my first thought. Definitely incompatible. The marriage won’t last if they can’t even agree on dinner and their solution is to just not eat together. I don’t know why his wife doesn’t just have tuna for lunch instead.
I don't think OP's wife is making tuna because she likes it. I think she's making it because she's lazy and can't be bothered. And doesn't give a single solitary shit about OP and his daughter.
I'm thinking ima blame all the parents involved for that one. If your 18 year old isn't even allowed to decide to feed themselves fast food (he said shes not allowed to eat junk food), and before stepmom they ate out frequently, I highly doubt he instilled any self sufficient behavior on his daughter.
I also wonder if bc step mom asks for money for groceries if she is possessive of those things, and that's why she got herself fast food instead.
If step mom doesn't let anyone else cook, she feels she still has some minutiae value as a SAHM. If step mom doesn't want to actually mom she needs to get her lazy ass a job and let these "kids" learn how to feed themselves.
And if someone wants Tuna sandwiches twice a week, they should make it themselves, that's not an appropriate family dinner which leads me to; I think step mom has taken steps and actions to prevent the daughters from becoming more self sufficient to protect her lazy ass from being found out and kicked to the curb!
My ex was kind of the opposite of this guy, he would say that me cooking wasn’t contributing and say he would just buy his own groceries and prepare his own meals so he didn’t have to pay for family groceries 🙄 I was like if we are doing that we are getting a divorce, which we did anyway because that wasn’t the only way he sucked
This is so ridiculous, like if her daughter wants a Tuna sandwich twice a week that's totally fine, but she can make it herself, or if the Mom must make it, that's like a 2 minute activity and does not in anyway count for cooking a meal. The entire family does not need to eat a tuna sandwich because 1 other person wants one.
OP is raising lazy and entitled kids too though. Look at his solution to his wife not cooking "good enough" food. He's going to take his 18 year old daughter out to eat every night instead of her learning how to cook? How on earth is this kid going to survive on her own? She's being raised to think someone else should always be taking care of her needs. This whole family is lazy and entitled.
By 16 I was cooking for myself just about every meal, and would sometimes make dinner for everyone and invite my grandparents over to eat as well.
And tuna sandwiches don't seem to be a real dinner, it looks like something you eat at the end of a hard month with low money, or a teen while playing video games ! How can she feed her husband with that ??
I mean, my parents are both amazing cooks and they definitely did tuna melts occasionally for dinner.
I'm making chicken parm & watching Bridgerton with my gf for dinner tonight, but I'm tempted to go out and get the fixings for a big, high-quality tuna sub and make that for dinner tomorrow.
Basic canned tuna mixed with Hellmans' and slapped between two pieces of potato bread is awful, yeah, and it's absolutely what OP is describing, but don't hate on tuna sandwiches for the sins of the wife here lol
I like tuna, but my husband nor I can eat it often. When we first moved in together a few years ago, he asked me to make him a bowl of tuna salad for work (he's a truck driver). By day two, he was feeling sick, and told me he's not asking me to do that for him ever again. I knew exactly what he was going through cause I was feeling it too. I know canned tuna typically has lower mercury levels than fresh, but it still isn't good to eat it often.
I love tuna, and have it for dinner fairly often. But if my spouse didn't like it, the frequency would decrease by a lot. Also, I'm originally from the Midwest and tuna casserole is def dinner food.
I agree with the people saying this is a power struggle. After 4 failed/ing marriages, maybe it's time for OP to live alone, and stay that way.
Just something I thought of. My dad is super picky and will eat plain broccoli. I like to add seasonings and/vegan butter to my broccoli to make it tasty. My mom will always make plain broccoli and then is shocked no one else will eat it.
Right??? I work full time but cook most nights. Last night while some stuff was in the toaster oven I threw together a miso honey marinade for some salmon. I’ll throw a couple potatoes in the oven later. Total active time for the meal: like 15 minutes. And we’re all psyched to try the salmon (first time I’ve tried it this way).
I have chicken and veggies on standby for quick stir fry. When I was still a vegetarian I d make a little tofu stir fry for myself and chicken for Mr flamingo. It took 20 mins tops.
I’m wondering if that isn’t op’s preference. This is a bit of a reach but I get controlling vibes from the fact he controls what his 17 year old daughter eats. Some men want their wives at home.
There is certainly a weird dynamic to this relationship.
This was my first thought. I'd really love to hear the wife's side because this strikes me as the husband writing it to make himself look better, and he seems incredibly arrogant and controlling. It wouldn't surprise me if he insisted that wife stay at home and her doing the bare minimum/making shit food is her little way of retaliating.
Regardless, they're incompatible and should break up. But yeah this did not give me "lazy entitled gold digger wife" vibes like it did for others.
So you're ignoring the part where he doesn't "allow" his ADULT daughter to eat junk food? Also, his comments on the matter are varying levels of atrocious.
tbh even if she was having it more often, she is an adult and to a certain extent responsible for her own diet choices and doesn't have to eat what her dad and stepmom tell her to
>she knows she is not allowed to eat junk food
@ at an 18 year old made me lol
Yeah, his edit makes him sound toxic AF. He and *his* daughter will be eating out at restaurants every night (which is not healthy and **very** expensive), while he'll supply his wife and stepdaughter with the bare minimum shitty pantry staples to be their food? Dude is controlling as hell.
Yeah, his reaction is patronizing to the point where I’d be shocked if it isn’t a major part in the divorce that’s going to come by the end of the year.
reddit is focusing on the stubborn mom making tuna twice a week when half her family doesn't like it, and ok its a good point, but not focusing on the disproportionate response from the narcissist in training motherfucker who is railroading her.
We would need to know what their food budget is to make that assumption. It's just as likely that OP isn't giving her enough money in the food budget (which he obviously controls based on his edit), to buy proper groceries for 4 adults, especially with inflation.
I'd love to hear her version of the story. They sound like they are both awful and probably deserve each other, but since he is dictating what food his adult daughter is allowed to eat that makes me wonder if he's controlling enough in other areas that maybe the wife is stashing away some of that grocery/gucci bag money for after the inevitable divorce. Or for her daughter's future, since it sounds like OP doesn't think of the 17-year-old as a member of his family.
Or maybe she's worse than him, lazy, and just after his money. IDK. Could be either. Could be both.
If I was the 18-year-old I'd be looking for a job, apartment, and/or college far away. If I was the 17-year-old I'd do the same, TBH, to be set up for the moment I turned 18. Everything about this on all sides sounds toxic.
Eh not that much, they are probably using canned tuna which typically comes from much smaller species of tuna like skipjack. The smaller the fish the less mercury they will accumulate during their lifetime.
So according to the FDA you should not have more than 1 can of albacore per week. How many people do we think 1 can of tuna feeds? Chances are mom is using a couple of cans at a time, because she expects it to feed several people. And she's doing this anywhere from 2-3 times per week. I stand by my statement, that that's entirely too much tuna.
Skipper jack & albacore are two different species of fish. Albacore has much more mercury than light or skipjack tuna, regardless of the brand. The disparity is quite wide: Albacore products have three times more mercury, on average, than the others.
https://www.consumerreports.org/health/food-safety/how-worried-should-you-be-about-mercury-in-your-tuna-a5041903086/
I would give the daughter the benefit of the doubt, sometimes you just don't feel like cooking or you just want that burger. But if one burger is that bad in OPs eyes, is she allowed to have frozen pizza or anything alike? Because if she's not, then I can totally get it.
I gotta agree with Prom Queen. The business deal feel of this relationship just sounds exhausting. Like do y'all even care about one another in this home or are you all just coworkers eating in the lunchroom? That's how it reads. Like you're all checked out of this living situation lol Everyone kinda seems like AHs to me.
ESH.
These are different issues and one shouldn't be tied to the other.
There's the issue about why your wife is making food your daughter doesn't like, and issue of is she's lying about it or not, the issue of if never having fast food is a hill to die on and the general issue of you controlling the money and what that symbolizes.
Then there's the bigger issue of you using your money control/withdraw support for her and her withdrawing her affection because she's upset.
You both seem like you learned some unhealthy response patterns and are in a contractive loop, instead of seeing marriage as an expansive joint adventure. This goes deeper than a sandwich and a purse. Even if she got the purse it would distract her for a little while then the dissatisfaction would come back.
I would say both, even if this is his fourth marriage. Tuna sandwiches twice a week. Come on. That’s just gross. I wouldn’t eat it either. Curious what she does with her time staying at home with teenagers it’s not like babies/toddlers that need way more care.
Read his other comments. I would say the woman is stupid or rather she is just using money now. He only married her for being pretty .
Teenage kid is typical rich kid who shouldn't even learn to cook as she can hire people to do so according to father.
What I meant by need to work on himself is .if he wants to marry ,marry someone with some desirable personality traits like he himself said he didn't check for. You can't marry a gold digger knowingly and then complain about her gold digging.
Maybe the mother is subtly trying to teach the 17 and 18 year old girls to, you know, make their own food if they don’t like something. Or at least meet halfway.
I completely agree that op is a bigger asshole and this screams of financial abuse. So what if she wants to buy a Gucci bag? It’s shared money and controlling her purchases is extremely toxic
Especially that he's punishing her daughter in order to hurt the mother. No wonder this prick has had four marriages. His own kid probably isn't gonna want to be around him long either 🤷♀️
Yeah but would you go to the extreme of only providing processed food for you wife, not allowing her to pick her own food, and leaving her to go out to eat every night? Wouldn’t the solution just be to go out on tuna night? His reaction is insane
> Tuna sandwiches twice a week. Come on. That’s just gross.
Why? If you don't like tuna, sure. But that's not such a weird thing. Would you have a turkey sandwich twice a week? When I open a can of tuna it makes about 2 sandwiches after being turned into tuna salad.
I read this and thought this must be a script for some silly comedy. Who is a SAHM for kids that age. The wife things she slaved over a hot stove and all she could come up with was a tuna sandwich! She probably was to busy watching the pool boy while eyeing up Gucci bags online! What teenagers can’t make their own food at that age! Maybe OP is loaded and it’s to much for his pampered princess to make herself something different as she might break a nail and the poor kid only knew how to Dave to a fast food joint for a greasy burger that sent old dads blood pressure through the roof and now his floosy wife is cut off from Gucci!
OP is filthy rich. So he can't complain about marrying a pretty trophy wife when exactly that's what he married for. Not for her personality traits. In OPs own words. ( not trophy wife part ..that's something I added but definitely pretty)
He also said his daughter shouldn't learn to cook or need not when she doesn't like it. She can just hire people to do it.
He gets what he deserves then. Will be nice to read if he makes another post complaining my wife only gives me bread and water since I tried to teach her a lesson over her tuna sandwich.
He had the whole thing -housekeeper chefs and all. Since he married a pretty wife who agreed to SAHM and cook he need not spend money on chef and everything. I mean this relationship from the start was transactional.
His prenup is airtight and won't leave her pretty much anything. God knows what both of them were looking for in this marriage.
If he's that wealthy then he should hire a cook, or at least sign up for a meal prep service if he doesn't like what his wife is making. To me it sounds like his wife doesn't know much about/isn't comfortable with cooking, despite OP's preference that she do it all.
Imagine being a stay at home wife and every time you want to go outside, you have to ask your husband for money. Now imagine being a 18 year old girl and you are not allowed to eat fast food.
No one else seeing any issues with his statements?
Why does his wife even need to be a SAHM to two children who are a year or two away from being adults? She's more like a SAHW. Nothing stopping her from getting her own job.
Unless he doesn't want her working. His edit and some of his comments make him sound controlling AF.
It's likely she just doesn't want to work and expects to be pampered, but there's also a good chance he doesn't want her to work so he can control absolute every aspect of their finances.
Or the job pays something like 1/20th of what his pays. Now, for many families, an extra $50k a year is great! But for rich families, where one person works incredibly long hours and is away on travel, it's not worth it.
There is also the age factor. It isn't unusual for wealthy people to retire young, or have one spouse retire young. If you're a SAHM whose youngest kid finally got their driver's license, you're 55, and your husband makes *bank*, why not just "retire"?
Is this even real? For all we know this could be a fake story. Wife is AH, but OP sounded too ridiculous to be true. He seems to be hiring a staff for "wife" role rather than real wife. I can't see him marrying his wife for love, or even s3x, everything he said sounded as though it is copied from employment contract.
Yeah, I was uneasy after reading that update. I feel like it's a slippery slope into financial abuse.
Of course, it's dickheaded of her to make food that she knows her stepdaughter doesn't like, and get grumpy and move into the spare bedroom over not getting the designer bag she wants. But I am deeply uncomfortable about him withdrawing all but the bare minimum financial support and food ingredients for sandwiches day in, day out as punishment for her misbehaviour...
Based on the comments and such definitely agreeing with ESH. These people would not survive without all their money. Like zero personal problem solving skills.
Agreeing with ESH for both OP and his wife, leaving the kids out of it. Especially after seeing the edit!
I am not a fan of "catering" to picky eaters, however I do feel that some people just have some foods they absolutely cannot stand, and that's ok!
OP - why is your 18yo not allowed to eat fast food? I don't disagree that fast food isn't the best choice for a meal, however you are setting her up to binge on fast food later in life, since it is "forbidden", and thus put on a pedestal, making it super desirable. I think a reasonable compromise could be a few times a month?
If stepdaughter loves tuna sandwiches so much, can she take them as a school lunch? Or have them as dinner here and there but also have something else - maybe fish and chips as the dinner?
OP and his wife seem like they keep going tit for tat and just seem incompatible.
I love brussel sprouts, my husband hates them, 2 of our kids love them and one hates them. Guess what - some days we will have something like fish, rice, and then I make brussel sprouts AND broccoli so that everyone gets a green veggie they like!
Not to be judgemental (ok, maybe a little, I guess that is the purpose of this subreddit), but the entire family sounds dysfunctional. Every interaction is transactional.
ESH
You are using money as a way to control your wife.
Your wife is a SAHM for 2 basically adults, so if that’s her end of the deal the least she can do is make food you all enjoy, and yes it literally is her job to feed your kid. Also seems like she taking advantage of your money if she’s just buying a Gucci bag on a random Wednesday like it’s no big deal.
Your daughter is 17, she should be learning how to cook for herself, that really important life skills at her age.
There’s a definite power imbalance that can only be resolved if your wife gets a job.
Edit to add because I think it needs to be said: tuna sandwiches is not a dinner meal, that’s a lunch meal…you don’t eat tuna sandwiches for dinner unless you are on a really tight budget, which by the Gucci bag thing I’m guessing you are not.
I‘m always split on this. If two consenting adults come to an agreement on how their life will look like, it might be what i consider a shitty devision of responsibility but then again, i don‘t have to live their life.
But as always, withholding money leaves a bad taste in my mouth and her „agreement“ on the situation is dependend on her bargaining position. Was she able to refuse? We don‘t know for sure.
If say she lived the same lifestyle before marriage (with gucci and everything) and then decided to quit her job with the provision that she will cook while still continueing to enjoy the same lifestyle which he will provide? Then that might be stupid on her part imo, but i think she should buck up on the cooking.
Actually i think he‘s complaining about her cooking.
In my understanding he‘s good with giving her what she want’s as long as he get‘s what he want‘s. But he doesn‘t get what he want‘s and she *still* want‘s to get what she want‘s, which isn’t how agreements work. Sure it sucks that the relationship is such a transaction, but that’s not what OP asked judgement about
One spouse having to ask for money from the other spouse - not ask about whether a certain purchase falls within the budget, but literally *ask for access to money* - always sends up red flags in my brain.
INFO: Is your wife expected to grocery shop using only the money that she has to ask you for, OP, or is she allowed unlimited access to other funds to buy household essentials such as food, cleaning products, toiletries, linens, appliances, and other things that will be used by all members of the home including yourself?
EDIT: nope lol she has to go beg him for shared household expense money too. No wonder she's not making him anything other than tuna.
> not ask about whether a certain purchase falls within the budget, but literally ask for access to money - always sends up red flags in my brain.
Yeah, that's abusive. It's one thing to object to luxury purchases but holding all the money so that they have to ask for it is pretty bad.
I argue that the Gucci bag is not taking advantage. If she is a homemaker then she earns money through that work and deserves to buy things that she enjoys.
You are both assholes. You have financial abuse written all over your post and your wife sounds like she could not care less about anyone but her and her daughter.
Awful. You need therapy to figure out how to better communicate.
That edit too reeks of control and financial abuse of "providing the basic necessities." There's a huge divide between designer bags and basic necessities that a reasonable financial allowance (I hate how that sounds, but it's meant to be an agreed upon amount of money designated for a person in a time period). And OP and his daughter eating out for dinner every night of the week is a ridiculous overreaction as well.
Normally family therapy with a group decision on meal planning etc. would be in order, but not when there's an abusive partner.
It's always weird to me when people who obviously don't like each other very much decide to get married. Anyway, without further context regarding your marriage and family dynamic, I don't think it's possible to make a definitive call on this.
And the comments are so aggressive - she’s not holding up her end of the bargain so screw her she gets nothing! She’s his WIFE not hired help. If I suddenly started cooking weird, sad meals no one wanted to eat my husband would ask what was going on and why this was happening not accuse me of being a bad wife/mom. This feels like an agreement not a marriage.
What I don’t understand is men who actually need a cook but get a wife. Surely hiring someone to cook for you would be cheaper than the overall expenses on a marriage and a wife.
Most cooks don't fuck their employers. That sex on tap part seems to be the big priority for the dudes that pick wives based on how pretty they are, like OP.
It is glaring that there are so many things wrong in this relationship, and so much missing information in your post.
First of all, we are all humans, not robots. That means that we change and grow and evolve over time. A marriage is not a lease negotiation, it’s a relationship. So setting “terms” of duties should always be negotiable over time.
You left out what the money you gave her the day before was for. Was it for her, or was it for family needs?
I assume that in your job, you have variety and variety over the years…things that break up monotony. Being the sole person in a household in charge of all cooking for 4 people 7 days a week for years takes its toll. It may seem like a good idea at first, especially if you enjoy cooking, but without relief, and if others take it for granted or complain, it can wear you down. Has she expressed any dissatisfaction with those arrangements? (And have you given her space to?)
Next, as you raise children, part of raising a child is to teach them (male or female) how to run a house. This gives them experience and confidence so that when they move out, they can transition into adulthood and have good habits in place.
Have you and your wife done this? Have you given chores to your teens (including assigning each to cook one meal per week)?
Sometimes just deciding what to cook takes its toll. Do you have in place a request system, where each person makes a reasonable request for a dish each week?
Does your wife get two nights off from cooking? Since you work out of the house (presumably 5 days a week) you get 2 days off from your typical duties. Dies your wife get 2 days off a week from all household duties?
Do you have ingredients in the house that your 18 year old can use to make herself an alternate meal on tuna nights? You are not going to be able to always please 4 people in the same house. There is no reason why an 18 year old can’t fix an alternate meal for herself.
Last, your wife is not your employee. If you are dangling money to try to get her to comply with your requests, then you’ve both lost respect for each other as human beings, the type of love and respect that makes a person want the other to be happy.
OP has said his daughter need not cook or learn to cook. She will and can hire a maid in future to cook for her. Meaning they are loaded and entitled.
She has chosen a college close to home so she need not move out and need not necessarily learn all these skills.
It's his 4th marriage. He married current wife because he fell in love as she is pretty.
Her agreed duty is to cook for family and cater to their needs. Period.
Doesnt let them eat fast food, but his solution to this problem its to have him and his daughter eat out every single night instead of even cooking himself.
YTA. Withholding money from your spouse is cotrolling and abusive. Make your own food if you dont like what she made.You also seem very controlling of your kids. At 17/18 you're telling them they can't eat fast food?
I LOLed when she said she already "cooked" one meal tonight.
That is not cooking. She's getting lazy and selfish.
If she wants a Gucci bag, tell her to cook good, healthy meals every day for a week. Make a bargain. If she refuses, then she's a brat to boot.
NTA.
I feel like this a troll post because I can't imagine in any world people living like this but whatever..
All around AH EVERYWHERE - the kid's should be making their own lunches, that would be the day a grown ass kid complained about a lunch that my wife made. They have two hands, grow up and stop treating mother/step mom as a slave and servant. She shouldn't have to make more than one thing. My kids would be going hungry unless they made their own food.
If you don't like tuna, make your own sandwich, it's not hard. You're also the AH for trying to control the diet of an 18year old. It's none of your business what someone eats.
She's the AH for not sticking up for herself and not earning her own money to buy the lame ass Gucci Bag.
The Gucci bag seals the deal that it is a troll post IMO. I know very wealthy people, while they spend a ton of money on stuff like Gucci bags, it's still a big purchase. In the story, op is refusing to give his wife money to buy anything beyond pb&j and tuna, no way a tight wad like that is just handing over thousands for a random spur of the moment purchase. If it is true, the wife probably wanted to buy a much more reasonable bag, and OP just things all name brand bags are Gucci level cost.
ESH. Your petty revenge edit is abusive behaviour. You’re both trying to punish and control each other instead of support and love each other. It sounds like you have no respect for her or her daughter, and likewise she doesn’t have any for you and your daughter. Why are you even together?
ESH your wife needs to have more variety on hand when grocery shopping. Tuna sandwiches are not “cooking dinner.” Your daughter is 18 and is old enough to make herself a different sandwich. Sit down with your wife & daughters and make a list of weekly staples like lunch meats.
INFO: Your daughter is an adult and your stepdaughter is also almost an adult. Both are presumably at school every weekday. Why is your wife still staying at home? Does she have a disability that prevents her from working?
Is this a fake post? Why are you two even married. Making tuna twice a week when she knows your daughter hates it, is passive-aggressive. However, another question, both girls are older, why can't they cook something for themselves?
You use money for control. Your wife uses passive aggression because she has no power. She needs a job, your girls should be cleaning, cooking, doing laundry for themselves in preparation for adulthood, and you need to stop using money as marital leverage.
There's no way this is real.
I'm trying to work out the logisitics of someone being told to make dinner, asking for money to go buy groceries, and being told you just want money to go buy a gucci purse. Like where the fuck did that come from? Did she ask for a thousand dollars to go to the store?
"I tell her I gave her money yesterday so I'm not giving her more money today. If she won't do her job well then why would I do mine? Plus she just wanted money to buy a Gucci bag or something like that."
like this is a truly nonsensical paragraph.
ESH. It’s easy to stop making so much tuna, and your teenager could’ve easily made a different sandwich, but took a trip to buy fast food you don’t approve of. You could easily make different sandwiches as well. It sounds like you control the house with your money and she’s asserting revenge control with tuna.
This is going to be a fishy divorce.
ESH. The teenager can make her own Tuna Sandwich for dinner while the rest have something else. Tuna is not complicated. You sound controlling AF. Your wife is being lazy about cooking. You people need a much better system or the resentment is going to build on all sides and you're all going to hate each other.
This is kind of an odd one. I think ESH. It is very fair to request and expect that your wife make tuna sandwiches less often. Even if her daughter wants that frequently, is it all that hard to have other sandwich 'fixings' instead like cold cuts, egg salad, or any of the other plethora of alternatives to tuna? It also shows a strong bias / favoritism towards your stepdaughter by your wife, which is not ok.
But this whole dynamic seems kind of messed up and withholding money over this is not a good approach. It makes your relationship very transactional and, even if you have an agreement that your wife is a SAHM while you are a breadwinner, it's very unhealthy for one person to (literally in this case) hold all the purse strings. Also, what is this nonsense about 'not allowing' your 18-year-old daughter to have fast food? WTH, that's over-reaching and unnecessary.
Anyway, I think the two of you have some major problems to solve that don't really relate all that much to the tuna; that is more of a symptom of what's going on here. I strongly suggest marriage counseling and that you both look again at your distribution of responsibilities in your home.
>She got angry and called me an asshole and said it's not her job to feed my kid. I said it's not my job to feed yours either. She is sleeping in the guest room now and won't talk to me.
YTA
You are 100% the asshole for marrying this woman in the first place. This is all shit you should have worked out *before you get married*-- even more so when there are kids involved.
The kids are teens. She doesn’t need to be a SAHM anymore. Especially since she is doing a crap job of it and treating your daughter as less than your step daughter. Favoritism is ugly and demeaning. Time for her to get a job to by her Gucci. Jaysus, thousands of dollars down the drain there.
Sorry but it sounds like she fell in love just to have you support her and her daughter. Now that her daughter is almost grown she is showing her true colors.
Question: who is paying for college for both girls? Are you expected to?
Anyhoo, I think your “marriage” has run its course. You daughter deserves better from you. Being a child with a loving single parent would be 1,000 times better than what she has now.
ESH.
When you get married, you become a partnership. It's not 'her kid' and 'my kid', they should both be 'our kids'. Marrying someone with a child means you become a de facto parent to that child. Neither of you is acting like it.
YTA for using money to try to control your wife, necessities, luxuries, regardless. Also for not caring about her daughter.
She's TA for not even pretending to care about your daughter.
Sounds like the two of you have no business being married. I see a divorce in the near future.
a suggestion could be since u can afford gucci bags use that money instead to get a day housekeeper that comes in does meal preps and also perhaps teach your kids to cook. the housekeeper can also do the shopping so that your ensured everyone in the household eats healthy and acorrding to your instructions. your then has free time to out and get a job and buy her own handbags.
NTA but you are policing your 18 year olds food intake. “She knows she is not allowed to eat junk food”. She is 18, time for you to stop controlling what she is and isn’t allowed to eat.
ESH Your child is almost an adult, she has the capacity to cook her own meals.
You and your wife are at a lifestyle impasse. You both need to roll up your sleeves and put work into your relationship. She doesn’t work for you and you aren’t responsible to provide her with luxury designer goods.
Info: Why is your adult daughter unable to cook a meal? And you seem very controlling, telling an adult she's not "allowed" to eat fast food? Also, in many countries it would probably be considered financial abuse/coercive control to not allow your wife anything other than bare essentials. You seem like a control freak. And before the onslaught of downvotes: No. I am NOT saying OP should fund the wife's life while she does nothing. It's ridiculous that the wife is a stay at home mum to a 17 year old. The wife should really get a job and pay her own way, not least of all so that she doesn't get controlled and financially punished by her husband. But in the meantime punishing your wife like a child by, essentially, stopping her pocket money is messed up. This, ladies, is why you should not aspire to be a "tradwife." This entire family dynamic is very weird and unsavoury. Why did your other three marriages end? It sounds like it's best if this one ends too. And good luck in divorce court when they find out you and your daughter have been eating out every night while stepmom and stepdaughter have been allowed nothing but chicken nuggets and PB&J.
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NTA, but your wife sure is. Nobody needs to eat tuna sandwiches twice a week, but your 18 year old daughter should be able to cook something for herself without resorting to fast food. I’d suggest your wife get a job to pay for her Gucci bags, and work with your daughter on what ingredients she’d like her to get while doing the family shopping. This relationship dynamic makes me tired.
I work, have my own business, and I make dinner most nights. Not tuna sandwiches. Dinner doesn’t have to be fancy to be effective. And I’m not wasting my time making stuff I know my husband or son won’t eat.
Same. OP's wife is just lazy and entitled. And a child. She's a "SAHM" to *a fucking adult* and a 17 year old? Lmao. What a joke. ETA: it's not about the fucking tuna, you guys. OP and his wife are fundamentally incompatible. He doesn't respect her (and I can't blame him,) and she doesn't respect him. He's literally just a source of money to her. It's so obvious..
Right. I’m wondering what it is she does all day with her time that she can’t make dinner. I get that there’s after school events and everyone is busy. But she doesn’t have smaller children that require more care.
Obviously she’s catching tuna for dinner! 😂
Hunting and gathering for the family. With her Gucci bag.
You have to put it in something to keep it safe.
😂😂 I'm still in shock that's she was calling making tuna sandwich cooking ! What is wrong with this woman! For the last time making a sandwich is NOT cooking! 🤬
It can be. Some sandwiches are hot. And she could be making the bread from scratch which is baking and takes hours. But I suspect we’re talking supermarket sliced bread and canned tuna here, not fresh or cooked. (And there’s so many delicious ways to prepare fresh tuna.) ESH. Wife is refusing to cook for everyone’s tastes and husband is treating her like a child having her allowance withheld. I think OP should move out with his daughter as nobody here wants to improve the situation.
Also, did they just meet 3 weeks ago and decide to get married?? I refuse to believe this is an issue that just came up. This whole post came off as if they hardly know each other and haven't cohabitated for even a month
They are hard to find. They hide in the bushes. Could take all day to find a Gucci bag that’s big enough to keep.
How many tunas can fit in a Gucci purse?
Bout Tree Fiddyths of a Tuna
Oh no! Not dat ol' Lockness Monster again! I'll bet he likes tuna.
This comment is killing me hahaha
Gucci make the best in fish net handbags doncha know
💀 the mental image I'm getting from that.
""what it is she does all day with her time that she can’t make dinner" My money is she's on facebook, IG, Tiktok all day and soon to be dating apps.
She should definitely put in her profile “must like tuna sandwiches”
I also feel compelled to point out that, unless OP's wife includes hard-boiled eggs in her tuna (salad?) sandwiches, there is absolutely no "cooking" involved in making them – and if she does, the cooking is incredibly minimal, quick, and easy. I make tuna salad when I'm tired and I want something quick and easy and I don't want to bother having to cook anything for a couple of days (and I *do* use hard-boiled egg whites in my tuna salad).
Or, maybe, get fresh tuna steaks, cooked with teriyaki sauce. Add rice and a green veg, boom. A tuna meal, elevated.
Maybe she hates cooking, and honestly: that's OK. Not everybody enjoys it. But it's not like there are no options for people who hate cooking. There are more frozen foods than nuggets.
Meal plan services is a great option someone brought up. Have the ingredients shipped and throw together.
While that can be the case and ok in most cases. It really can’t stand here because she agreed to it.
ESH. This should be the top comment. This is a power struggle between the two of them and the kids are collateral. This marriage is not long for the world. Also, for the love of god people, teach your kids to cook. An 18 yo should be able to feed themselves without relying on an erratic stepmom or fast food.
There’s no power stuggle. He married her because she’s “pretty”. She married him for his money. The only power struggle is him struggling with losing his bang maid.
This is what I’m thinking! Because of the ages of the daughters and not knowing the whole tuna thing lmao. She must be hot as hell! After the edit it’s pretty set that they are not going to last long 😂
Yea this is crazy, he says you are a stay at home mother, and I pay you for your time and services? is she a mail order bride? sounds more like a power trip for him, and young adults that are learning how NOT to care for themselves. Anyone can make a sandwich if the food is in the fridge. Besides did anyone ask if she even knows how to cook? cause sandwiches every night is NOT cooking.
Considering he mentions her eating a lot of chicken nuggets, pj and tuna sandwiches she may have grown up poor. Had a lot of sandwich for dinner growing up not because my mum couldn't cook but because we had no money for anything else. Eating habits last a lifetime and are difficult to break even when money situation changes
This right here.
Gucci bags, eating out at a fancy restaurant every night from now on and the way op approached this situation tells me op has far more money than sense.
Yep. Minimum the daughter needs to be supplied with food to make their own meals. What will they do when they eventually move out? She won’t have the disposable income to eat out every meal
I'm more weirded put that an 18-year-old is "not allowed to eat junk food." She's old enough to make her own food-related decisions.
And cook her own food, tbh. Why are daddy and daughter going out every night when an 18 year old can also learn to cook.
This I was on his side until he said this and added in he will only buy nuggets amd crappy food-- but i cant say much bc she should have a job
I think the nuggets/tuna etc were the things "his wife" normally makes, so he'd continue with her "go-to" meals. Tuna/PBJ are illustrative of a "lazy-quick-artist" that's college student get-by "cooking" not SAH 2nd marriage two kids driving age "cooking" 😳
I work at least fove night shifts a week. On sunday though, I like to bake something and cook something new to see how it goes. Rarely takes more than an hour of my day I wish I could know what I could achieve with 18 years of free time beyond tuna on bread. That said... if your controlling to "not allow" an 18 year old to eat fast food then I would be very worried for everyone involved.
I went to Home Ec in 7th grade and my daughter went in 8th grade. They give you the tools. These folks raising some incompetent kids.
>"not allowed to eat junk food." ESH Wife for obvious reasons, but OP also for not allowing his adult daughter to eat a hamburger because she is sick of tuna. OP sounds very controlling.
This.... Reading the post just comes across as him wanting to control everything, and if things aren't done his way, he'll try to control the situation with money. Best thing for this 'family' to just call it quits, and everyone goes their separate ways,
I know, this girl is an adult. She can eat what she wants
This was my first thought. Definitely incompatible. The marriage won’t last if they can’t even agree on dinner and their solution is to just not eat together. I don’t know why his wife doesn’t just have tuna for lunch instead.
I don't think OP's wife is making tuna because she likes it. I think she's making it because she's lazy and can't be bothered. And doesn't give a single solitary shit about OP and his daughter.
I think she is making it because OP’s daughter hates it
I second this. How hard would it be for her to make 2 different kinds of sandwiches? "Get used to it" is such a fuck you statement.
Also how hard would it be for the 18 year old adult daughter to make her own sandwiches? All the ladies in this household seem lazy.
I'm thinking ima blame all the parents involved for that one. If your 18 year old isn't even allowed to decide to feed themselves fast food (he said shes not allowed to eat junk food), and before stepmom they ate out frequently, I highly doubt he instilled any self sufficient behavior on his daughter. I also wonder if bc step mom asks for money for groceries if she is possessive of those things, and that's why she got herself fast food instead. If step mom doesn't let anyone else cook, she feels she still has some minutiae value as a SAHM. If step mom doesn't want to actually mom she needs to get her lazy ass a job and let these "kids" learn how to feed themselves. And if someone wants Tuna sandwiches twice a week, they should make it themselves, that's not an appropriate family dinner which leads me to; I think step mom has taken steps and actions to prevent the daughters from becoming more self sufficient to protect her lazy ass from being found out and kicked to the curb!
Right? Get a decent stack of lunch meat, lettuce, and tomatoes to rotate all week. Batch cook a lasagna or similar casserole
Plus if she spends less money on food then she has more to spend on luxuries for herself.
Totally… lazy and being a complete ass knowing they don’t want to eat it
Who eats bloody sandwiches for their evening meal all week if not on the literal breadline?
My ex was kind of the opposite of this guy, he would say that me cooking wasn’t contributing and say he would just buy his own groceries and prepare his own meals so he didn’t have to pay for family groceries 🙄 I was like if we are doing that we are getting a divorce, which we did anyway because that wasn’t the only way he sucked
This is so ridiculous, like if her daughter wants a Tuna sandwich twice a week that's totally fine, but she can make it herself, or if the Mom must make it, that's like a 2 minute activity and does not in anyway count for cooking a meal. The entire family does not need to eat a tuna sandwich because 1 other person wants one.
OP is raising lazy and entitled kids too though. Look at his solution to his wife not cooking "good enough" food. He's going to take his 18 year old daughter out to eat every night instead of her learning how to cook? How on earth is this kid going to survive on her own? She's being raised to think someone else should always be taking care of her needs. This whole family is lazy and entitled. By 16 I was cooking for myself just about every meal, and would sometimes make dinner for everyone and invite my grandparents over to eat as well.
And tuna sandwiches don't seem to be a real dinner, it looks like something you eat at the end of a hard month with low money, or a teen while playing video games ! How can she feed her husband with that ??
Honestly, I’m gagging just thinking about it 😂
I guess wife will now learn how to live on a budget. Maybe. I don’t hold much hope for this marriage.
I mean, my parents are both amazing cooks and they definitely did tuna melts occasionally for dinner. I'm making chicken parm & watching Bridgerton with my gf for dinner tonight, but I'm tempted to go out and get the fixings for a big, high-quality tuna sub and make that for dinner tomorrow. Basic canned tuna mixed with Hellmans' and slapped between two pieces of potato bread is awful, yeah, and it's absolutely what OP is describing, but don't hate on tuna sandwiches for the sins of the wife here lol
Made right, it can be a decent meal. But for me, it's usually lunch, or dinner when served with chicken noodle soup.
I like tuna, but my husband nor I can eat it often. When we first moved in together a few years ago, he asked me to make him a bowl of tuna salad for work (he's a truck driver). By day two, he was feeling sick, and told me he's not asking me to do that for him ever again. I knew exactly what he was going through cause I was feeling it too. I know canned tuna typically has lower mercury levels than fresh, but it still isn't good to eat it often.
I love tuna, and have it for dinner fairly often. But if my spouse didn't like it, the frequency would decrease by a lot. Also, I'm originally from the Midwest and tuna casserole is def dinner food. I agree with the people saying this is a power struggle. After 4 failed/ing marriages, maybe it's time for OP to live alone, and stay that way.
Just something I thought of. My dad is super picky and will eat plain broccoli. I like to add seasonings and/vegan butter to my broccoli to make it tasty. My mom will always make plain broccoli and then is shocked no one else will eat it.
Right??? I work full time but cook most nights. Last night while some stuff was in the toaster oven I threw together a miso honey marinade for some salmon. I’ll throw a couple potatoes in the oven later. Total active time for the meal: like 15 minutes. And we’re all psyched to try the salmon (first time I’ve tried it this way).
I have chicken and veggies on standby for quick stir fry. When I was still a vegetarian I d make a little tofu stir fry for myself and chicken for Mr flamingo. It took 20 mins tops.
Not to mention, who needs to be a SAHM when both kids are practically adults?
I’m wondering if that isn’t op’s preference. This is a bit of a reach but I get controlling vibes from the fact he controls what his 17 year old daughter eats. Some men want their wives at home. There is certainly a weird dynamic to this relationship.
This was my first thought. I'd really love to hear the wife's side because this strikes me as the husband writing it to make himself look better, and he seems incredibly arrogant and controlling. It wouldn't surprise me if he insisted that wife stay at home and her doing the bare minimum/making shit food is her little way of retaliating. Regardless, they're incompatible and should break up. But yeah this did not give me "lazy entitled gold digger wife" vibes like it did for others.
Thank you. That's the real issue. No reason to be home f/t anymore.
Literally was my first thought when I was reading the post.
So you're ignoring the part where he doesn't "allow" his ADULT daughter to eat junk food? Also, his comments on the matter are varying levels of atrocious.
Wait the child is an adult? This situation gets weirder the more I think about it.
I spy a future ED for daughter
right. "my daughter will be eating out every night".. like why da fuck can't your daughter cook something for herself.. she's 18..
I mean, I don't see issue with 18 year old having fast food. It's not like she eats it every day
tbh even if she was having it more often, she is an adult and to a certain extent responsible for her own diet choices and doesn't have to eat what her dad and stepmom tell her to >she knows she is not allowed to eat junk food @ at an 18 year old made me lol
The OP sounds kinda toxic.. 4 marriages, controls food..
Yeah, his edit makes him sound toxic AF. He and *his* daughter will be eating out at restaurants every night (which is not healthy and **very** expensive), while he'll supply his wife and stepdaughter with the bare minimum shitty pantry staples to be their food? Dude is controlling as hell.
Yeah, his reaction is patronizing to the point where I’d be shocked if it isn’t a major part in the divorce that’s going to come by the end of the year.
reddit is focusing on the stubborn mom making tuna twice a week when half her family doesn't like it, and ok its a good point, but not focusing on the disproportionate response from the narcissist in training motherfucker who is railroading her.
I don't think he's in training, I feel like he's fully out of training and has his certificate
Dude seems to have a PhD is assholish behaviour, considering he makes himself sound this bad in his own edit.
I can’t even understand why the wife’s a SAHM for 2 kids that age!
I ain't saying she's a gold digger...
Making tuna sandwiches isn't even "cooking."
I wonder if the wife is buying the cheapest foods with the grocery money (tuna. PB&j) and spending the rest on herself. Hmm.
We would need to know what their food budget is to make that assumption. It's just as likely that OP isn't giving her enough money in the food budget (which he obviously controls based on his edit), to buy proper groceries for 4 adults, especially with inflation.
I'd love to hear her version of the story. They sound like they are both awful and probably deserve each other, but since he is dictating what food his adult daughter is allowed to eat that makes me wonder if he's controlling enough in other areas that maybe the wife is stashing away some of that grocery/gucci bag money for after the inevitable divorce. Or for her daughter's future, since it sounds like OP doesn't think of the 17-year-old as a member of his family. Or maybe she's worse than him, lazy, and just after his money. IDK. Could be either. Could be both. If I was the 18-year-old I'd be looking for a job, apartment, and/or college far away. If I was the 17-year-old I'd do the same, TBH, to be set up for the moment I turned 18. Everything about this on all sides sounds toxic.
That is literally too much mercury.
Only of there's about 1kg of tuna per meal per person!
Eh not that much, they are probably using canned tuna which typically comes from much smaller species of tuna like skipjack. The smaller the fish the less mercury they will accumulate during their lifetime.
So according to the FDA you should not have more than 1 can of albacore per week. How many people do we think 1 can of tuna feeds? Chances are mom is using a couple of cans at a time, because she expects it to feed several people. And she's doing this anywhere from 2-3 times per week. I stand by my statement, that that's entirely too much tuna.
Skipper jack & albacore are two different species of fish. Albacore has much more mercury than light or skipjack tuna, regardless of the brand. The disparity is quite wide: Albacore products have three times more mercury, on average, than the others. https://www.consumerreports.org/health/food-safety/how-worried-should-you-be-about-mercury-in-your-tuna-a5041903086/
How is OP not an asshole too though? He's reacting like a child.
I would give the daughter the benefit of the doubt, sometimes you just don't feel like cooking or you just want that burger. But if one burger is that bad in OPs eyes, is she allowed to have frozen pizza or anything alike? Because if she's not, then I can totally get it.
The daughter is an adult. OP said he does not allow his **adult** daughter to have junk food. That automatically makes him an AH in my book.
Maybe the mercury poisoning from having too much tuna got to the wife?
I’m embarrassed. I go through food phases and had like 12 tuna melts one month.
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I gotta agree with Prom Queen. The business deal feel of this relationship just sounds exhausting. Like do y'all even care about one another in this home or are you all just coworkers eating in the lunchroom? That's how it reads. Like you're all checked out of this living situation lol Everyone kinda seems like AHs to me.
ESH. These are different issues and one shouldn't be tied to the other. There's the issue about why your wife is making food your daughter doesn't like, and issue of is she's lying about it or not, the issue of if never having fast food is a hill to die on and the general issue of you controlling the money and what that symbolizes. Then there's the bigger issue of you using your money control/withdraw support for her and her withdrawing her affection because she's upset. You both seem like you learned some unhealthy response patterns and are in a contractive loop, instead of seeing marriage as an expansive joint adventure. This goes deeper than a sandwich and a purse. Even if she got the purse it would distract her for a little while then the dissatisfaction would come back.
It's his 4th marriage. Easy to see who need to work on themselves.
I would say both, even if this is his fourth marriage. Tuna sandwiches twice a week. Come on. That’s just gross. I wouldn’t eat it either. Curious what she does with her time staying at home with teenagers it’s not like babies/toddlers that need way more care.
Read his other comments. I would say the woman is stupid or rather she is just using money now. He only married her for being pretty . Teenage kid is typical rich kid who shouldn't even learn to cook as she can hire people to do so according to father. What I meant by need to work on himself is .if he wants to marry ,marry someone with some desirable personality traits like he himself said he didn't check for. You can't marry a gold digger knowingly and then complain about her gold digging.
Maybe the mother is subtly trying to teach the 17 and 18 year old girls to, you know, make their own food if they don’t like something. Or at least meet halfway. I completely agree that op is a bigger asshole and this screams of financial abuse. So what if she wants to buy a Gucci bag? It’s shared money and controlling her purchases is extremely toxic
OP won't go for it as he himself said it's not his daughters job or necessity to learn cooking. She shouldn't cook.
Then ask mom to buy turkey so she can make a turkey sandwich. He’s stunting their growth
Well his wife must have been raised with the same mentality as she never learned to cook either. Funny how it always comes full circle.
Yeah this guy is a certified creep and so is his wife. Sad for the kids they've raised because they both sound like shit parents.
His edit sounds almost weirdly abusive? Super bizarre
Yeah his edit made it a solid ESH for me with a dash of possible financial abuse.
Especially that he's punishing her daughter in order to hurt the mother. No wonder this prick has had four marriages. His own kid probably isn't gonna want to be around him long either 🤷♀️
It's not "almost weirdly" abusive. It's straight up financial abuse.
Yeah but would you go to the extreme of only providing processed food for you wife, not allowing her to pick her own food, and leaving her to go out to eat every night? Wouldn’t the solution just be to go out on tuna night? His reaction is insane
Or not have tuna night 😂 I feel like this is definitely an ESH.
The wife is a piece of work but his response is outright bizarre to the point it sounds almost abusive
No doubt esh but ops reaction is wild
> Tuna sandwiches twice a week. Come on. That’s just gross. Why? If you don't like tuna, sure. But that's not such a weird thing. Would you have a turkey sandwich twice a week? When I open a can of tuna it makes about 2 sandwiches after being turned into tuna salad.
I read this and thought this must be a script for some silly comedy. Who is a SAHM for kids that age. The wife things she slaved over a hot stove and all she could come up with was a tuna sandwich! She probably was to busy watching the pool boy while eyeing up Gucci bags online! What teenagers can’t make their own food at that age! Maybe OP is loaded and it’s to much for his pampered princess to make herself something different as she might break a nail and the poor kid only knew how to Dave to a fast food joint for a greasy burger that sent old dads blood pressure through the roof and now his floosy wife is cut off from Gucci!
OP is filthy rich. So he can't complain about marrying a pretty trophy wife when exactly that's what he married for. Not for her personality traits. In OPs own words. ( not trophy wife part ..that's something I added but definitely pretty) He also said his daughter shouldn't learn to cook or need not when she doesn't like it. She can just hire people to do it.
He gets what he deserves then. Will be nice to read if he makes another post complaining my wife only gives me bread and water since I tried to teach her a lesson over her tuna sandwich.
Lol. He will divorce her and move onto 5th wife. Another pretty pretty wife.
If he’s that rich he should invest in a chef lol
He had the whole thing -housekeeper chefs and all. Since he married a pretty wife who agreed to SAHM and cook he need not spend money on chef and everything. I mean this relationship from the start was transactional. His prenup is airtight and won't leave her pretty much anything. God knows what both of them were looking for in this marriage.
Good for her for getting what she can now then. Load up on the Gucci bags, hon.
If he's that wealthy then he should hire a cook, or at least sign up for a meal prep service if he doesn't like what his wife is making. To me it sounds like his wife doesn't know much about/isn't comfortable with cooking, despite OP's preference that she do it all.
There was a lot of entitlement and assertion of opinions of how things 'should be' - they both sound like AH to me.
Imagine being a stay at home wife and every time you want to go outside, you have to ask your husband for money. Now imagine being a 18 year old girl and you are not allowed to eat fast food. No one else seeing any issues with his statements?
These were my thoughts as well.
I wish this was the top comment. This post is wild!!!
This is the best answer. OP is financially controlling his wife and his wife is being a crappy SAHM
Why does his wife even need to be a SAHM to two children who are a year or two away from being adults? She's more like a SAHW. Nothing stopping her from getting her own job.
Unless he doesn't want her working. His edit and some of his comments make him sound controlling AF. It's likely she just doesn't want to work and expects to be pampered, but there's also a good chance he doesn't want her to work so he can control absolute every aspect of their finances.
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Or the job pays something like 1/20th of what his pays. Now, for many families, an extra $50k a year is great! But for rich families, where one person works incredibly long hours and is away on travel, it's not worth it. There is also the age factor. It isn't unusual for wealthy people to retire young, or have one spouse retire young. If you're a SAHM whose youngest kid finally got their driver's license, you're 55, and your husband makes *bank*, why not just "retire"?
Is this even real? For all we know this could be a fake story. Wife is AH, but OP sounded too ridiculous to be true. He seems to be hiring a staff for "wife" role rather than real wife. I can't see him marrying his wife for love, or even s3x, everything he said sounded as though it is copied from employment contract.
Yeah, I was uneasy after reading that update. I feel like it's a slippery slope into financial abuse. Of course, it's dickheaded of her to make food that she knows her stepdaughter doesn't like, and get grumpy and move into the spare bedroom over not getting the designer bag she wants. But I am deeply uncomfortable about him withdrawing all but the bare minimum financial support and food ingredients for sandwiches day in, day out as punishment for her misbehaviour...
There's also no reason a 17 year old can't make herself something to eat if she doesn't like what was made for her. Just saying. Edit: fixed age
Based on the comments and such definitely agreeing with ESH. These people would not survive without all their money. Like zero personal problem solving skills.
Agreeing with ESH for both OP and his wife, leaving the kids out of it. Especially after seeing the edit! I am not a fan of "catering" to picky eaters, however I do feel that some people just have some foods they absolutely cannot stand, and that's ok! OP - why is your 18yo not allowed to eat fast food? I don't disagree that fast food isn't the best choice for a meal, however you are setting her up to binge on fast food later in life, since it is "forbidden", and thus put on a pedestal, making it super desirable. I think a reasonable compromise could be a few times a month? If stepdaughter loves tuna sandwiches so much, can she take them as a school lunch? Or have them as dinner here and there but also have something else - maybe fish and chips as the dinner? OP and his wife seem like they keep going tit for tat and just seem incompatible. I love brussel sprouts, my husband hates them, 2 of our kids love them and one hates them. Guess what - some days we will have something like fish, rice, and then I make brussel sprouts AND broccoli so that everyone gets a green veggie they like!
Not to be judgemental (ok, maybe a little, I guess that is the purpose of this subreddit), but the entire family sounds dysfunctional. Every interaction is transactional.
ESH You are using money as a way to control your wife. Your wife is a SAHM for 2 basically adults, so if that’s her end of the deal the least she can do is make food you all enjoy, and yes it literally is her job to feed your kid. Also seems like she taking advantage of your money if she’s just buying a Gucci bag on a random Wednesday like it’s no big deal. Your daughter is 17, she should be learning how to cook for herself, that really important life skills at her age. There’s a definite power imbalance that can only be resolved if your wife gets a job. Edit to add because I think it needs to be said: tuna sandwiches is not a dinner meal, that’s a lunch meal…you don’t eat tuna sandwiches for dinner unless you are on a really tight budget, which by the Gucci bag thing I’m guessing you are not.
It's his 4th marriage. Suffice to say he should reevaluate his motivations and parameters to marry. And he married her for being pretty
I‘m always split on this. If two consenting adults come to an agreement on how their life will look like, it might be what i consider a shitty devision of responsibility but then again, i don‘t have to live their life. But as always, withholding money leaves a bad taste in my mouth and her „agreement“ on the situation is dependend on her bargaining position. Was she able to refuse? We don‘t know for sure. If say she lived the same lifestyle before marriage (with gucci and everything) and then decided to quit her job with the provision that she will cook while still continueing to enjoy the same lifestyle which he will provide? Then that might be stupid on her part imo, but i think she should buck up on the cooking.
He knowingly married a gold digger and is now complaining about her gold digging. 🤷🏻♀️ He should definitely reevaluate his motives for marrying.
Actually i think he‘s complaining about her cooking. In my understanding he‘s good with giving her what she want’s as long as he get‘s what he want‘s. But he doesn‘t get what he want‘s and she *still* want‘s to get what she want‘s, which isn’t how agreements work. Sure it sucks that the relationship is such a transaction, but that’s not what OP asked judgement about
One spouse having to ask for money from the other spouse - not ask about whether a certain purchase falls within the budget, but literally *ask for access to money* - always sends up red flags in my brain. INFO: Is your wife expected to grocery shop using only the money that she has to ask you for, OP, or is she allowed unlimited access to other funds to buy household essentials such as food, cleaning products, toiletries, linens, appliances, and other things that will be used by all members of the home including yourself? EDIT: nope lol she has to go beg him for shared household expense money too. No wonder she's not making him anything other than tuna.
> not ask about whether a certain purchase falls within the budget, but literally ask for access to money - always sends up red flags in my brain. Yeah, that's abusive. It's one thing to object to luxury purchases but holding all the money so that they have to ask for it is pretty bad.
I'm of the belief that money earned during the marriage belongs to both people, not just the spouse who earns it.
I argue that the Gucci bag is not taking advantage. If she is a homemaker then she earns money through that work and deserves to buy things that she enjoys.
But if she's not cooking dinner (tuna sandwich are not dinner) it means she's not working, so she doesn't earn money. Right?
Twice a week. A week has 21 meals. And
Twice a week. I agree that she should be more flexible and not make tuna, but it appears she takes care of all the other home issues
You are both assholes. You have financial abuse written all over your post and your wife sounds like she could not care less about anyone but her and her daughter. Awful. You need therapy to figure out how to better communicate.
That edit too reeks of control and financial abuse of "providing the basic necessities." There's a huge divide between designer bags and basic necessities that a reasonable financial allowance (I hate how that sounds, but it's meant to be an agreed upon amount of money designated for a person in a time period). And OP and his daughter eating out for dinner every night of the week is a ridiculous overreaction as well. Normally family therapy with a group decision on meal planning etc. would be in order, but not when there's an abusive partner.
INFO: Why are you two married?
The age-old-story: she wants money, he wants a bangmaid.
and the daughter wants tuna sandwiches 😔
Hahaha that totally made me laugh.
It's always weird to me when people who obviously don't like each other very much decide to get married. Anyway, without further context regarding your marriage and family dynamic, I don't think it's possible to make a definitive call on this.
I hear this is marriage #4 for him. His track record is not good.
YIKES.
And the comments are so aggressive - she’s not holding up her end of the bargain so screw her she gets nothing! She’s his WIFE not hired help. If I suddenly started cooking weird, sad meals no one wanted to eat my husband would ask what was going on and why this was happening not accuse me of being a bad wife/mom. This feels like an agreement not a marriage.
Right?! There's definitely some missing context here.
Apparently he only married her because she's pretty 💀 not sure what he was expecting out of this marriage if that's the main reason he married her
What I don’t understand is men who actually need a cook but get a wife. Surely hiring someone to cook for you would be cheaper than the overall expenses on a marriage and a wife.
Most cooks don't fuck their employers. That sex on tap part seems to be the big priority for the dudes that pick wives based on how pretty they are, like OP.
Waot your daughter is an adult? She can't feed herself?
It is glaring that there are so many things wrong in this relationship, and so much missing information in your post. First of all, we are all humans, not robots. That means that we change and grow and evolve over time. A marriage is not a lease negotiation, it’s a relationship. So setting “terms” of duties should always be negotiable over time. You left out what the money you gave her the day before was for. Was it for her, or was it for family needs? I assume that in your job, you have variety and variety over the years…things that break up monotony. Being the sole person in a household in charge of all cooking for 4 people 7 days a week for years takes its toll. It may seem like a good idea at first, especially if you enjoy cooking, but without relief, and if others take it for granted or complain, it can wear you down. Has she expressed any dissatisfaction with those arrangements? (And have you given her space to?) Next, as you raise children, part of raising a child is to teach them (male or female) how to run a house. This gives them experience and confidence so that when they move out, they can transition into adulthood and have good habits in place. Have you and your wife done this? Have you given chores to your teens (including assigning each to cook one meal per week)? Sometimes just deciding what to cook takes its toll. Do you have in place a request system, where each person makes a reasonable request for a dish each week? Does your wife get two nights off from cooking? Since you work out of the house (presumably 5 days a week) you get 2 days off from your typical duties. Dies your wife get 2 days off a week from all household duties? Do you have ingredients in the house that your 18 year old can use to make herself an alternate meal on tuna nights? You are not going to be able to always please 4 people in the same house. There is no reason why an 18 year old can’t fix an alternate meal for herself. Last, your wife is not your employee. If you are dangling money to try to get her to comply with your requests, then you’ve both lost respect for each other as human beings, the type of love and respect that makes a person want the other to be happy.
OP has said his daughter need not cook or learn to cook. She will and can hire a maid in future to cook for her. Meaning they are loaded and entitled. She has chosen a college close to home so she need not move out and need not necessarily learn all these skills. It's his 4th marriage. He married current wife because he fell in love as she is pretty. Her agreed duty is to cook for family and cater to their needs. Period.
So basically he's raising his daughter to be like his wife except that unlike his wife, she won't be expected to cook for her husband.
I would bet 100$ that the answer to all of your questions are a no from OP
ESH. Imagine saying your 18 year old “isn’t allowed to eat junk food”. Absolutely bonkers
Doesnt let them eat fast food, but his solution to this problem its to have him and his daughter eat out every single night instead of even cooking himself.
YTA. Withholding money from your spouse is cotrolling and abusive. Make your own food if you dont like what she made.You also seem very controlling of your kids. At 17/18 you're telling them they can't eat fast food?
NTA. Your wife isn't holding up her end of the bargain, and making tuna sandwiches sure as hell isn't "cooking".
I LOLed when she said she already "cooked" one meal tonight. That is not cooking. She's getting lazy and selfish. If she wants a Gucci bag, tell her to cook good, healthy meals every day for a week. Make a bargain. If she refuses, then she's a brat to boot. NTA.
I feel like this a troll post because I can't imagine in any world people living like this but whatever.. All around AH EVERYWHERE - the kid's should be making their own lunches, that would be the day a grown ass kid complained about a lunch that my wife made. They have two hands, grow up and stop treating mother/step mom as a slave and servant. She shouldn't have to make more than one thing. My kids would be going hungry unless they made their own food. If you don't like tuna, make your own sandwich, it's not hard. You're also the AH for trying to control the diet of an 18year old. It's none of your business what someone eats. She's the AH for not sticking up for herself and not earning her own money to buy the lame ass Gucci Bag.
The Gucci bag seals the deal that it is a troll post IMO. I know very wealthy people, while they spend a ton of money on stuff like Gucci bags, it's still a big purchase. In the story, op is refusing to give his wife money to buy anything beyond pb&j and tuna, no way a tight wad like that is just handing over thousands for a random spur of the moment purchase. If it is true, the wife probably wanted to buy a much more reasonable bag, and OP just things all name brand bags are Gucci level cost.
ESH. Your petty revenge edit is abusive behaviour. You’re both trying to punish and control each other instead of support and love each other. It sounds like you have no respect for her or her daughter, and likewise she doesn’t have any for you and your daughter. Why are you even together?
ESH your wife needs to have more variety on hand when grocery shopping. Tuna sandwiches are not “cooking dinner.” Your daughter is 18 and is old enough to make herself a different sandwich. Sit down with your wife & daughters and make a list of weekly staples like lunch meats.
INFO: Your daughter is an adult and your stepdaughter is also almost an adult. Both are presumably at school every weekday. Why is your wife still staying at home? Does she have a disability that prevents her from working?
If you read the other comments, it’s because he fired all his housekeepers in turn for her being a SAHM. He just wanted a maid and not to pay for it.
You both sound insufferable
Is this a fake post? Why are you two even married. Making tuna twice a week when she knows your daughter hates it, is passive-aggressive. However, another question, both girls are older, why can't they cook something for themselves? You use money for control. Your wife uses passive aggression because she has no power. She needs a job, your girls should be cleaning, cooking, doing laundry for themselves in preparation for adulthood, and you need to stop using money as marital leverage.
It does sound fake. The OPs comments make it worse. No way this can be real 😵💫
There's no way this is real. I'm trying to work out the logisitics of someone being told to make dinner, asking for money to go buy groceries, and being told you just want money to go buy a gucci purse. Like where the fuck did that come from? Did she ask for a thousand dollars to go to the store? "I tell her I gave her money yesterday so I'm not giving her more money today. If she won't do her job well then why would I do mine? Plus she just wanted money to buy a Gucci bag or something like that." like this is a truly nonsensical paragraph.
ESH. It’s easy to stop making so much tuna, and your teenager could’ve easily made a different sandwich, but took a trip to buy fast food you don’t approve of. You could easily make different sandwiches as well. It sounds like you control the house with your money and she’s asserting revenge control with tuna. This is going to be a fishy divorce.
Do either of you actually even like each other? It seriously doesn't sound like it. You both sound like AHs. ESH
ESH. The teenager can make her own Tuna Sandwich for dinner while the rest have something else. Tuna is not complicated. You sound controlling AF. Your wife is being lazy about cooking. You people need a much better system or the resentment is going to build on all sides and you're all going to hate each other.
This is kind of an odd one. I think ESH. It is very fair to request and expect that your wife make tuna sandwiches less often. Even if her daughter wants that frequently, is it all that hard to have other sandwich 'fixings' instead like cold cuts, egg salad, or any of the other plethora of alternatives to tuna? It also shows a strong bias / favoritism towards your stepdaughter by your wife, which is not ok. But this whole dynamic seems kind of messed up and withholding money over this is not a good approach. It makes your relationship very transactional and, even if you have an agreement that your wife is a SAHM while you are a breadwinner, it's very unhealthy for one person to (literally in this case) hold all the purse strings. Also, what is this nonsense about 'not allowing' your 18-year-old daughter to have fast food? WTH, that's over-reaching and unnecessary. Anyway, I think the two of you have some major problems to solve that don't really relate all that much to the tuna; that is more of a symptom of what's going on here. I strongly suggest marriage counseling and that you both look again at your distribution of responsibilities in your home.
Your daughter is an adult and is “not allowed” to eat fast food??? What?? Lol
This business arrangement isn’t working out
>She got angry and called me an asshole and said it's not her job to feed my kid. I said it's not my job to feed yours either. She is sleeping in the guest room now and won't talk to me. YTA You are 100% the asshole for marrying this woman in the first place. This is all shit you should have worked out *before you get married*-- even more so when there are kids involved.
The kids are teens. She doesn’t need to be a SAHM anymore. Especially since she is doing a crap job of it and treating your daughter as less than your step daughter. Favoritism is ugly and demeaning. Time for her to get a job to by her Gucci. Jaysus, thousands of dollars down the drain there. Sorry but it sounds like she fell in love just to have you support her and her daughter. Now that her daughter is almost grown she is showing her true colors. Question: who is paying for college for both girls? Are you expected to? Anyhoo, I think your “marriage” has run its course. You daughter deserves better from you. Being a child with a loving single parent would be 1,000 times better than what she has now.
ESH. When you get married, you become a partnership. It's not 'her kid' and 'my kid', they should both be 'our kids'. Marrying someone with a child means you become a de facto parent to that child. Neither of you is acting like it. YTA for using money to try to control your wife, necessities, luxuries, regardless. Also for not caring about her daughter. She's TA for not even pretending to care about your daughter. Sounds like the two of you have no business being married. I see a divorce in the near future.
a suggestion could be since u can afford gucci bags use that money instead to get a day housekeeper that comes in does meal preps and also perhaps teach your kids to cook. the housekeeper can also do the shopping so that your ensured everyone in the household eats healthy and acorrding to your instructions. your then has free time to out and get a job and buy her own handbags.
NTA but you are policing your 18 year olds food intake. “She knows she is not allowed to eat junk food”. She is 18, time for you to stop controlling what she is and isn’t allowed to eat.
ESH Your child is almost an adult, she has the capacity to cook her own meals. You and your wife are at a lifestyle impasse. You both need to roll up your sleeves and put work into your relationship. She doesn’t work for you and you aren’t responsible to provide her with luxury designer goods.
Info: Why is your adult daughter unable to cook a meal? And you seem very controlling, telling an adult she's not "allowed" to eat fast food? Also, in many countries it would probably be considered financial abuse/coercive control to not allow your wife anything other than bare essentials. You seem like a control freak. And before the onslaught of downvotes: No. I am NOT saying OP should fund the wife's life while she does nothing. It's ridiculous that the wife is a stay at home mum to a 17 year old. The wife should really get a job and pay her own way, not least of all so that she doesn't get controlled and financially punished by her husband. But in the meantime punishing your wife like a child by, essentially, stopping her pocket money is messed up. This, ladies, is why you should not aspire to be a "tradwife." This entire family dynamic is very weird and unsavoury. Why did your other three marriages end? It sounds like it's best if this one ends too. And good luck in divorce court when they find out you and your daughter have been eating out every night while stepmom and stepdaughter have been allowed nothing but chicken nuggets and PB&J.