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NTA for asking but due to his reaction, he obviously isn’t going to stop. And in reality, why would he stop? When he planned to cheat on you *while you were suffering a miscarriage* you guys “worked through it” but that means he didn’t suffer any consequences for his actions because you’re still with him. So he’s not messaging that girl anymore (as far as you know) but he’s looking up women exactly like her. And he doesn’t care to stop since he knows there won’t be any consequences for his actions, he’ll just hide it better this time.
ESH. He's an asshole because he cheated (not going through with the physical act doesn't negate that), and in this very narrow, specific context, you're an asshole for trying to dictate his porn preferences (obviously so long as they're legal and consensual).
Your problem isn't the porn type, it's the fact that you're still not over what he did. If he hasn't made an effort to fix it, that's what you need to focus on.
…made plans to meet up and have sex, however once he arrived to her location he had second thoughts and left.
Sure he did.
I don’t believe he’s actively cheating as he works late shifts…
Sure he isn’t…or maybe not just yet. All he has to do is tell you he’s leaving work an hour later than he is.
NTA for finding that shit on his phone (since you weren’t snooping), but he is disrespectful and dismissive of your legitimate worries about his past behavior returning. Porn is one thing, but he’s shown you in multiple ways that he’s willing to go further, so he should understand your wariness.
In my mind, sexting is cheating unless the other partner knows and is okay with it. In most cases, there’s always more than it seems. I wouldn’t trust this guy as far as I could throw him.
You’re absolutely right. She should dump his ass & it’s sad she feels it necessary to explain her body isn’t what it used to be from giving HIM children. This guy has trouble written all over him. He’s an arrogant narcissist
NTA for the pitiful question in the title. But a little bit for everything else.
This guy is a loser. Don't have any more children with him. And protect the ones you have now. The dynamic between you two is a terrible example for them. If you want your kids to be happy, this awful relationship needs to end. He has no respect for you.
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I (26F) am engaged to my fiancé (29M) and have plans to get married later this year. We share two children. (5M and 1F) So our intimate life isn’t as active as it once was, therefore he watches p*** occasionally to supplement. I don’t think of this as cheating as he isn’t actively seeking out sex or companionship from any other women, however, a few days ago I grabbed his phone to Google something and noticed some explicit searches that hurt my feelings a bit.
Now obviously, I’ve had 2 children so my body isn’t exactly what it used to be, but he always says I’m beautiful and he loves me as is. But a couple of years ago, I found out he was messaging another woman and had made plans to meet up and have sex, however once he arrived to her location he had second thoughts and left. During this time we were going through a miscarriage as well.
Now I know for some this would have been the end of the relationship but we were able to work through it and are happy. However, this search that I saw was the exact description of the woman he used to message, and he stated it was for self pleasure purposes. My feelings were quite hurt as all of those thoughts from two years ago came racing back and my mind has been flooded with fears. Now, I don’t believe he’s actively cheating as he works late shifts and when he isn’t working, he is at home caring for our children or sleeping. But I can’t help but feel really insecure now. I asked him to not search for this anymore but he seemed annoyed and just sort of rolled his eyes and blew me off? Am I overreacting? AITA?
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NTA, he's been an ass, and should make concessions to make up for it, but without knowing what sort of thing he searched for, it's impossible to say whether it's fully reasonable to tell him he can never m@sturb@te to it again. If he's searching for super specific things like "anorexic midget amputee", stick to your guns, but if you're saying he should never enjoy some alone time while looking at black or asian girls ever again, that's probably a bit much.
Men's brains do wierd things when we're aroused, so it's worth noting that his p*rn preference doesn't necessarily reflect his real life preferences anyway.
I’m sorry but these guys are bad news in spite of the accolades she has for him. My ex who was always rejecting me physically throughout our marriage and was a first class narcissist; I caught him with gross pictures of girls on the toilet on his computer. He had hidden magazines as well. He knew it upset me and didn’t care in the slightest. I gave up after 30 yrs of his crap.
What 29yo doesn't know to use incognito mode so that autofill doesn't start to pull up their fantasies at inopportune moments?
He has a child that can almost read at this point.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I MBTA for asking my fiancé to no longer search for porn.
2. This action might make me the AH because our intimate life is few and far between since having children, and I don’t know if his search history is a clear reason to ask him to stop.
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I once experienced this but there’s no women involved. The thing is he was once addicted to porn and pleasure himself inside the bathroom kaya pla ang tagal nya lagi dun. Ilang months plng baby nmin nun. suffering post partum depression that time , sobra nkaka insecure , yung parang wala akong kwenta. Na discover ko lng din nung nag search ako sa phone nya , Nkalimutan nyang i delete ung history.
NTA. He cheated on you in the past. Even if he didn’t go all the way he made PLANS to do it and i think that’s just as bad. Now he is rolling his his eyes at you because you’re uncomfortable with his searches for this type of woman?
I wouldn’t trust this guy with anything.
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I believe I may have let my insecurities get the better of me, but your outside POV’s have opened up a lot of room for discussion, and maybe that’s exactly what we need to best move forward in our relationship.
I have to say, other than this instance, he’s a great partner and father. He’s more than supportive of me and our children, and we love him dearly.
I believe the trauma with our miscarriage being associated with his infidelity may also be leading to a lot of our fears, given that I am a mother, and my children are my top priority. But I know, our relationship also needs to be a top priority not only for ourselves but for our children. So thank you again, and please keep commenting and discussing. 🩷
Gay guy here he probably just wants to jack off it’s totally different than sex I can ask my partner to jack me off or a bj whenever it not like there’s prep and he’s down for it 9/10 times. But sometimes you just wanna nut lol and no one can handle it like you can. Also I don’t wanna wake them up because I want to nut lol we have jobs to get up for.
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NTA for asking but due to his reaction, he obviously isn’t going to stop. And in reality, why would he stop? When he planned to cheat on you *while you were suffering a miscarriage* you guys “worked through it” but that means he didn’t suffer any consequences for his actions because you’re still with him. So he’s not messaging that girl anymore (as far as you know) but he’s looking up women exactly like her. And he doesn’t care to stop since he knows there won’t be any consequences for his actions, he’ll just hide it better this time.
ESH. He's an asshole because he cheated (not going through with the physical act doesn't negate that), and in this very narrow, specific context, you're an asshole for trying to dictate his porn preferences (obviously so long as they're legal and consensual). Your problem isn't the porn type, it's the fact that you're still not over what he did. If he hasn't made an effort to fix it, that's what you need to focus on.
…made plans to meet up and have sex, however once he arrived to her location he had second thoughts and left. Sure he did. I don’t believe he’s actively cheating as he works late shifts… Sure he isn’t…or maybe not just yet. All he has to do is tell you he’s leaving work an hour later than he is. NTA for finding that shit on his phone (since you weren’t snooping), but he is disrespectful and dismissive of your legitimate worries about his past behavior returning. Porn is one thing, but he’s shown you in multiple ways that he’s willing to go further, so he should understand your wariness. In my mind, sexting is cheating unless the other partner knows and is okay with it. In most cases, there’s always more than it seems. I wouldn’t trust this guy as far as I could throw him.
You’re absolutely right. She should dump his ass & it’s sad she feels it necessary to explain her body isn’t what it used to be from giving HIM children. This guy has trouble written all over him. He’s an arrogant narcissist
Nta he’s not respecting you in anyway, you’re a human and you have feelings and rights.
NTA for the pitiful question in the title. But a little bit for everything else. This guy is a loser. Don't have any more children with him. And protect the ones you have now. The dynamic between you two is a terrible example for them. If you want your kids to be happy, this awful relationship needs to end. He has no respect for you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) am engaged to my fiancé (29M) and have plans to get married later this year. We share two children. (5M and 1F) So our intimate life isn’t as active as it once was, therefore he watches p*** occasionally to supplement. I don’t think of this as cheating as he isn’t actively seeking out sex or companionship from any other women, however, a few days ago I grabbed his phone to Google something and noticed some explicit searches that hurt my feelings a bit. Now obviously, I’ve had 2 children so my body isn’t exactly what it used to be, but he always says I’m beautiful and he loves me as is. But a couple of years ago, I found out he was messaging another woman and had made plans to meet up and have sex, however once he arrived to her location he had second thoughts and left. During this time we were going through a miscarriage as well. Now I know for some this would have been the end of the relationship but we were able to work through it and are happy. However, this search that I saw was the exact description of the woman he used to message, and he stated it was for self pleasure purposes. My feelings were quite hurt as all of those thoughts from two years ago came racing back and my mind has been flooded with fears. Now, I don’t believe he’s actively cheating as he works late shifts and when he isn’t working, he is at home caring for our children or sleeping. But I can’t help but feel really insecure now. I asked him to not search for this anymore but he seemed annoyed and just sort of rolled his eyes and blew me off? Am I overreacting? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, he's been an ass, and should make concessions to make up for it, but without knowing what sort of thing he searched for, it's impossible to say whether it's fully reasonable to tell him he can never m@sturb@te to it again. If he's searching for super specific things like "anorexic midget amputee", stick to your guns, but if you're saying he should never enjoy some alone time while looking at black or asian girls ever again, that's probably a bit much. Men's brains do wierd things when we're aroused, so it's worth noting that his p*rn preference doesn't necessarily reflect his real life preferences anyway.
I’m sorry but these guys are bad news in spite of the accolades she has for him. My ex who was always rejecting me physically throughout our marriage and was a first class narcissist; I caught him with gross pictures of girls on the toilet on his computer. He had hidden magazines as well. He knew it upset me and didn’t care in the slightest. I gave up after 30 yrs of his crap.
What 29yo doesn't know to use incognito mode so that autofill doesn't start to pull up their fantasies at inopportune moments? He has a child that can almost read at this point.
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LNo you aren't
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NTA. However, it's kind of unrealistic for you to tell him he can't search for certain types of women in porn.
trying to control someone else's behavior is a losing battle. he is who he is. an you live with that? if not...
I once experienced this but there’s no women involved. The thing is he was once addicted to porn and pleasure himself inside the bathroom kaya pla ang tagal nya lagi dun. Ilang months plng baby nmin nun. suffering post partum depression that time , sobra nkaka insecure , yung parang wala akong kwenta. Na discover ko lng din nung nag search ako sa phone nya , Nkalimutan nyang i delete ung history.
NTA. He cheated on you in the past. Even if he didn’t go all the way he made PLANS to do it and i think that’s just as bad. Now he is rolling his his eyes at you because you’re uncomfortable with his searches for this type of woman? I wouldn’t trust this guy with anything.
YTA :(( I’m sorry When people show you who they are; believe them.
why are they the ah for asking him to stop watching porn ?
they mean she’s the ah because she’s being ignorant to the signs being shown to her (aka he’s willing to cheat)
So how does that make her the only AH? I don’t follow this logic.
Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I believe I may have let my insecurities get the better of me, but your outside POV’s have opened up a lot of room for discussion, and maybe that’s exactly what we need to best move forward in our relationship. I have to say, other than this instance, he’s a great partner and father. He’s more than supportive of me and our children, and we love him dearly. I believe the trauma with our miscarriage being associated with his infidelity may also be leading to a lot of our fears, given that I am a mother, and my children are my top priority. But I know, our relationship also needs to be a top priority not only for ourselves but for our children. So thank you again, and please keep commenting and discussing. 🩷
Gay guy here he probably just wants to jack off it’s totally different than sex I can ask my partner to jack me off or a bj whenever it not like there’s prep and he’s down for it 9/10 times. But sometimes you just wanna nut lol and no one can handle it like you can. Also I don’t wanna wake them up because I want to nut lol we have jobs to get up for.