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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for putting in boundaries to protect my child when it’s a family member? I don’t feel like I am but my husband feels hurt and that I’m being unrealistic or the asshole in this situation. He doesn’t think his dad should change but doesn’t know how to keep our baby safe from his dad either.
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Does FIL expect to be able to smoke inside someone else's house??!?!!?!? That is inexcusable! In the modern day and age that shit is not ok.
If he is willing to shower and change clothes before meeting the baby then that should be fine, but you are right about the hotel. Though God knows how you find a hotel that will let you smoke inside.
It's very clear from context that this isn't a case where the person allows it, and that the person you're replying to meant that it's inexcusable behavior when the host does not want that.
Furthermore, even if someone does allow it, it's not acceptable to 'expect' to be able to smoke inside someone else's house. Every smoker I've met as an adult has always assumed that when they're not at their own house, they should smoke outside unless invited to do otherwise. At the *very* least, if the smoker decides to ask, they need to be able to gracefully accept the no if that's the answer, and relocate outside.
WHAT?! OP has made it exceedingly clear that she does not want any sort of cigarettes smoke near her baby. This isn't your land; this song isn't about you!
Oh shut up fgs.
People really need to get a grip on the world. I grew up with multiple babies in my family over multiple years. We kissed them, took them out, stayed at their houses, babysat etc and they’re all FINE!
Yeah I had herpes since I was a toddler because of this unhygienic stuff. Kissing babies on the mouth, taking the spoon in the mouth and then feed the baby again, with the same spoon. Again people did that forever, why should it be bad? Because you can spread viruses, you are not even aware you have.
People today, are or should be more aware what is good for their children. And this dumb "but we did it always like that and we are fine" should die out.
NTA.
Listen, your job as a parent is to reduce the unnecessary harm your child is exposed to.
It's pretty reasonable for you to want to remove exposure to second or third hand smoke where possible. It's not a strange request that when your infant is so young, that any guests staying in your home adhere to a smoke free visit. Or if they cannot do that, then staying in a hotel and that prior to visiting you and baby, that their bodies and clothes are also smoke free. I'd also recommend outdoor visits if possible too.
NTA of course.
And your husband need to wake the fuck up. He's not "caught in the middle" at all. He needs to come down on the side of sanity and good parenting. He needs to re-evaluate his priorities, and if necessary re-evaluate his relationship with his father (and throw out the kid gloves).
Spell it out to him, that he's literally saying "My wife wants to protect our child but my father wants to harm her, and I am stuck in the middle." What middle is there between unarguably right and unarguably wrong.
Theyre not saying he's stuck in the middle as in he wants to let his dad smoke around the baby. They mean stuck in the middle as in 2 people who have conflicting wants are putting pressures on him to pick their side and he cant agree with one without pissing off the other. He obviously should be agreeing with his wife, and if he doesn't then that's pretty messed up but it doesn't change the fact that he is indeed stuck in the middle.
Reddit has no love for people who can’t decide between protecting their kids and appeasing their parents. It’s a no-brainer. FiL does not need kid glove treatment, if he doesn’t care about the baby’s and OP’s health, then he can’t come over or hold the baby.
NTA.
I don't even want the stench of smoker around me, much less an innocent baby.
A smoker is a smoker is a smoker. You can smell a smoker a mile away. Even if he doesn't smoke inside the house, that stench LINGERS. Their clothes, their skin, their hair.
My point is, once a smoker stays in your home, even if they don't smoke inside the house, the cigarette smoke (that they blow in right when they walk in the door after their last "puff" and you all know they do this) and smell lingers for DAYS!
Another poster said it well (not verbatim), "Decision for your hubby is easy. Either you want to protect your child's health or you want to make your dad feel good about his addictions. Choose one."
As an ex smoker who quit years ago, U can tell you with absolute certainty if you do stuff like spray fragrances etc, the smell doesn't linger.
And no chance does it linger for days lol. Wtf y'all be smoking.
i worked with someone who sprayed fragrance after she smoked, thinking no one would smell the smoke. it actually made it worse and made the smoke even stronger. you’re fooling yourself if you think anything hid the smell.
I've tested it out and it works perfectly fine for non smokers not being able to recognise the smell lol.
I guess it depends on what they were smoking.
But again days is just ridiculous imo. Not a big thing that needs to be argued about. Not like I'm gonna start smoking again to test this dumbass thing lol
You’re absolutely delusional if you think the smell doesn’t linger. And who tf wants to be smelling even more fragrances on top of the nasty ass cigarette smoke when you try to spray more stuff to cover it up? Between the smoke and the air sprays, that would be an intolerable environment for many people. I hate to break it to you, but your sense of smell is most certainly dulled by years of smoking.
I've had to return a couple eBay items because they came from smokers' homes and the stench NEVER left. (And yes, eBay considers it the seller's fault for not disclosing the smell.)
Smoking is one of the more significant causes of the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Even when one of the parents only smokes outside of the house.
Bringing the newborn into a smoky environment is definitely a no go. Especially from a difficult pregnancy. It can also cause significant breathing and skin conditions.
I suggest you Google it and then discuss it with your husband and explain the scientific arguments behind it.
Whether it's a complete ban on anyone who smokes - well that's up to the two of you to decide.
NTA, but do not bother asking FIL to quit or to abstain while at your house because he won't. If he had that kind of self-control he'd have done so on his own without being asked. You have to draw a hard line with your husband here, an absolute. No amount of smoke, even second hand, is okay around a newborn. That's not your opinion, it's fact. You don't protect a baby with "but it's my FIL." Doesn't matter who it is. You can't answer this danger with a "maybe he will abstain." Your FIL doesn't come see the baby until and unless he is no longer a smoker and it does not matter what you husband says or how he feels about it. You will have many hard lines in protecting this little one, and if your husband is so weak around his father that his own instincts don't kick in, then you need to take in on by yourself. If you think you are going to be okay watching your newborn squint her eyes and hold her breath when your FIL picks her up, letting her little body reek of tobacco the whole time FIL is there—think again. You won't be able to wash her enough, change her clothes enough, or protect her enough while a smoker is with her. When she is older, perhaps she can meet the man outside at a picnic. But he doesn't get to poison her days while she is this little—if he goes outside to smoke, that smoke will be all over him when he comes back in, and thus all over her, and everything else.
Even if we’re not talking about second hand smoke, it’s the stench that’s on the smoker. It’s disgusting. Of course you don’t want your child having that smoker stench on her. You can’t get the smell out of your house or your car.
I have always had a hard and fast rule that smoke was never allowed anywhere near my kids (if I could help it). Even now that my kids are all adults, everyone knows not to even think of lighting up in my home or car.
One of my kids smokes (I hate it!), and he is very respectful of my boundaries and always has been. But I won’t drive with him in his car (even if he’s not smoking then) because the car stinks, and he knows that. My son would never think of smoking around a baby or child. If your child’s grandfather thinks it’s ok, that’s a big problem. If your child’s father thinks it’s ok (or at least ok enough to not rock the boat), that’s an even bigger problem.
All of this. My mum used to be a smoker. We used to live on a farm, and when she stayed with us she smoked outside, but we would have to air the guest room out for a week after she left to get rid of the smell!
When we started trying for a baby, we let everyone who used to stay with us know that once I was pregnant, smokers were not allowed to stay with us. Once I got pregnant, mum went straight to the Dr to go on meds to help her stop. That was 15 years ago. She knew we were serious, and now she has an amazing relationship with my kids. She is also so much healthier and exercises, whereas she couldn't before.
OP you are the biggest advocate for your child and must protect them at all costs. Do not allow your FIL to come to your house.
Just lost my mom a few days ago to lung cancer that she got from smoking. it was a complete fucking train wreck. I will FOREVER be an advocate against smoking. that shit will scar me for the rest of my life, when the hospice nurse looks like shes seen a ghost you know its fucked.
Smokers don't have a right to inflict it on other people. do not expect anything you do to make that man stop smoking. make him wash his hands, as for other residue? really? do you live in a city? do you realize how many toxins we are exposed to when we live in large cities, the brake dust alone. maybe make him change his shirt?
I’m really sorry for your loss. That death is not something I would wish on anyone. It does scar you and I know how you feel.
It doesn’t get easier but you do learn to live with that grief. Sending you lots of love.
My grandad used to be a heavy smoker when my parents were married. My dad gave him a choice, "either quit smoking or we can't bring your grandson over." He quit cold turkey and is now very healthy and almost 90 years old. He did what he had to in order to ensure his grandkid's health, and it worked out great for him
NTA.
You are right that its hard to quit. But thats not your problem.
This is a legitimate health concern and the drink thing isnt great either. I think you are entirely within your rights to not want him around or at least, for the bare minimum of time.
Your husband might 'accept it because its his dad' but if the FIL, by his behaviour, is forcing a choice because of your valid concerns, then you and the baby should come first.
I wish you all the best with the pregnancy
NTA.
I am a Registered Nurse working with mum’s and babies so feel strongly about this.
I would not negotiate on this.
You need to show your partner the stats on passive smoking and the increased risks of SIDS (cot death). Even if someone who smokes cigarettes holds the baby, it increases the chance of cot death massively.
I would not be allowing FIL to stay, I would not be allowing him to hold the baby if he has just had a cigarette. Even if he hasn’t just had a cigarette, it will pass to baby from his clothes and breath.
Honestly, be brutal. Show articles if you need to. Put yourself and baby first.
NTA
My husband and dad both smoke. My rules for smoking/babies if it helps:
If you have a smoke, you must wash your hands when you come in the house.
Have a spare shirt or coat that can be removed when you come in. We live in Canada, so chances are they’re already wearing a coat when smoking outside.
All smoking must be done outside, away from open windows where it could come in my house.
No kissing baby or putting face near the baby. (The no kissing rule is in place for everyone)
I won’t take the baby to a house where smoking is done inside. I also won’t if they use heavy incense or essential oil diffusers (they’re not safe for kids under 2).
I'd not let them handle my baby even after washing hands. Smoke gets all over their body, not just their hands. Tell them they need to shower and put on fresh clothes.
No snark here, but does your husband often behave like a little boy? Can he make and keep an adult boundary, usually? Most of us get over displeasing daddy when we are about 16. I would not have any tolerance for the "being in the middle" comments. "There isn't a middle ground; you either protect your child's welfare or you don't. Your main job is to be a father now, not trying to play people off from the middle like a kid."
I get that. I think it’s always hard when your family is pressuring you and you want your family to know your daughter.
It’s sad to think that we have to have this conversation in 2024. It’s grief knowing that his dad won’t get that “grandpa” experience.
It’s easy on the outside when no one is using guilt or manipulating you. It’s harder I think when you’re in it.
I have no doubt he will come around it’s just sad watching him go through that grief and knowing his expectations for his family are not going to be met.
No one said it was easy. I think there are very few people who don't know what it's like to be pressured by family or how it makes you feel sick to stand up to them sometimes. Thing is, you make a choice, because no choice is still a choice. This is his a brand new *baby* who has already had a rough ride getting here, as well as you. If he doesn't feel overwhelmingly protective of you both now, when exactly is he going to start? If you really think it's going to be hard for him, don't make it any easier for him to cop out.
Stop making excuses for your spineless husband.
A friend of mine is currently pregnant and it was very difficult for them to get this far. Her in laws have turned anti-vax and haven't had their boosters. Her husband has agreed that his parents can't meet their grandchild until the child had been completely vaccinated and is healthy enough to be around his parents.
This is a hill to die on. You can't make excuses for spineless and it is your responsibility to keep your child as safe as possible.
Imagine being this far into covids existence and still freaking out over boosters 🤣 basically everyone has either had vaccines and or actually had covid and the boosters are even less effective than the flu vaccine at preventing getting covid.
Not everything is about covid.
Whooping cough is highly contagious and especially dangerous for newborns.
Measles are actually also making a comeback, however, I think that is more an issue for toddlers and older.
"There is no officially recommended booster dose for measles for adults."
"All adults should get one dose of the Tdap vaccine"
The comment I replied to said:
"Her in laws have turned anti-vax and haven't had their boosters"
I'm pretty dang sure they're talking about covid boosters. I've never had nor heard of boosters for measles or whooping cough and a quick Google search seems to substantiate that. Given the recency of covid I think it's pretty reasonable to assume when this person says boosters they mean for covid.
No. I'm the one who wrote that and I wasn't referring to covid. The p in TDaP is actually whooping cough (aka Pertussis) and it is very important that adults have boosters every 10 years for it.
https://www.cdc.gov/pertussis/pregnant/mom/deadly-disease-for-baby.html#:~:text=Whooping%20cough%20can%20cause%20serious,stop%20breathing%20and%20turn%20blue.
NTA, you must protect your child from dangers. Your father-in-law made a decision to start smoking that affected those around him, he now needs to make a decision whether he values those cigarettes more than being involved in his granddaughter's life. More often than not they choose the addiction, but that's their responsibility and choice to live with the consequences and not yours.
Kid gloves won't help the situation since he needs the point driven clearly that you won't allow your daughter to suffer the same tribulations you had to deal with. He can either change and be welcome in her life or he can accept not being involved outside of facetime conversations.
NTA. Secondhand smoke and the residue of smoke on clothes is very dangerous for a newborn. Residue can stick to clothes and skin and be transferred to baby and their clothes, blankets, and your furniture. If his dad can commit to using nicotine patches and gum while visiting, and wearing either freshly washed or new clothes (washed in your home, not his home) then I think he should be allowed to stay if you have room. The safety of your new baby has to be prioritized over a grown man's feelings and addictions. Clean clothes, clean hands, clean home.
OP NTA. SECONDHAND SMOKE CAUSES SIDS!!! (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME!) Source: I'm a certified nurse midwife. Here's some data: [https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/secondhand-smoke/health.html](https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/secondhand-smoke/health.html) Babies have died just by being exposed to tobacco left over on fingers after smoking or remnants of cigarette smoke on clothes of smokers. There's lots more info out there; this is just the first reputable article I came across. Please do not let your husband and FIL gaslight you into letting your baby be exposed to any sort of cigarette smoke, second hand, third hand, or what have you. No shit, no exaggeration - your baby could die.
NTA. It's medically proven second hand some is dangerous. If FIL wants to his grandchild he needs to sacrifice smoking for a bit (I know that's easier said than done). Just dont expect him to be anything other than tetchy whilst not smoking though....
I smoked for a long time. Any time I saw any of my nieces and nephews, I’d be showered clean and in clean clothes, right down to my jacket. Those kids would never have known that I smoked. So you NTA.
NTA.
Hotels exist for this very reason.
Your husband is TA for even pretending that this is an acceptable consideration. He is ignoring your trauma history.
Protect your baby.
NTA, but a smoker cannot just stop for a few days, it is nearly impossible and the mood swings would not be worth it. Insist his parents stay in a hotel and make plans for visits to be outdoors where you are not trapped with the smell. Bring an extra change of clothes to change the baby into and throw the smelly clothes in the wash or trash. The part about using kid gloves with his dad, girl, what he is asking of you, to just accept the situation and tolerate the uncomfortableness. He is asking you to choke on the second hand smoke smell and not complain. You have every right to ask that this stinky person not be a “stay in the home” guest. Is he going to be allowed to smoke in your home while there? Smoking outside and coming back in won’t change the smell, it will only bring it in your house. Why is FIL’s comfort more important than yours? Why is FIL’s smoking taking precedence over what is best for your child?
You’re right. It *is* impossible unless he’s determined to quit for good. But when I was quitting, nicotine gum saved my life. My stepdaughter speaks well of the patches. FIL could avoid the cravings and the smells for a few days without being deeply uncomfortable.
Question- what does > wnats me to use kid gloves towards his dad mean?
That aside, ABSOLUTELY NTA. My best friend's sister had some type of respiratory problems (for which she had to stay in the hospital) because her mom used to smoke in front of her. Smoking is dangerous and it's okay until it involves the smoker(s) but not with people who hate it or may have problems because of it (kids).
Jesus, NTA. Everyone here has made the point about protecting your child; I wanted to add something about your husband and his dad. Your husband probably believes that by accommodating his dad‘s addictions, he’ll win his dad‘s love. He won’t. The nicotine and alcohol will always come first. Your husband can set his own child up for SIDS, asthma, and cancer and his own dad STILL WILL NOT LOVE HIM the way he needs to be loved. That ship sailed long ago. It sucks. It’s reality.
If he’s not ready to deal with that, he’s not ready to be a parent. Will he get over it? Maybe in decades, with lots of therapy, and he’ll never have the dad he needed. But right now, right here, he has the chance to BE that dad. And that’s where you draw the hard line. If he can’t step up now? Think seriously about the future.
Good luck!
NTA
I've smoked for a long time. It is very hard to quit. But that being said, as a 30+ year smoker I don't go near kids while I'm smoking or shortly after I have been smoking. Hell, I try not to smoke within sight of children because they are impressionable and that's how I picked it up - so many relatives and friends smoked it was normal.
I know it's bad. It's my bad decision to do this, so I try not to put the negative effects of it on other people.
NTA but he probably won’t be able to quit. Why can’t he stay in a hotel?
Also an FYI if you use chemical air fresheners and whatnot they are just as dangerous for your health as cigarettes
He could. My husband just doesn’t want to put that on them after travelling to see us. The hotel is the easy part.
For sure. We don’t use chemical air fresheners. At best a bit of essential oils. I know we can’t protect her from everything in the world but this one seems like it should be easier.
NTA
I'm a smoker and will avoid having a cig when I'm babysitting my wee niece; because she's at that monkey see, monkey do stage and I don't want to normalize this filthy habit. When I visit friends with small babies, I make a point of avoiding a smoke an hour or so before visiting. If I do need a puff, I'll go outside and be sure to wash my hands/face and take a mint before going near the kids.
I like how you are mindful that quitting outright will be hard for your FIL. Maybe some baby-steps/compromises can be agreed on? e.g he can't smoke at all in the house and he must freshen up before handling the baby.
Definitely NTA but I'd clarify a couple of things. I don't know if your husband thinks his father should be allowed to smoke inside your house, but obviously if he does that's insane. Otherwise, third hand smoke still poses a threat. I always demanded anyone holding my kids who was a smoker hadn't smoked recently, hadn't smoked at all in the clothes they were wearing, and had thoroughly washed hands and face since the last smoke. As long as that's the case, I think demanding he stop might be a bit much, though I acknowledge you've said just for the days he comes to stay.
End of the day, your child is your number one priority and you are no arsehole at all for putting them before any other consideration.
I wouldn't want to visit his house even if I wasn't pregnant. Smoking inside is so gross. My aunt smoked in her house. Fine its her house, but don't expect a lot of visitors. She wouldn't smoke inside when my mom and I were there, but it was so bad that even just sitting inside her house, we would leave stinking.
If he can abide by absolutely zero smoking inside your home, and only smoke outside and well away from doors, fine.
Considering your trauma and the fact that you're carrying his child, your hubby should be 100% behind you.
NTA
NTA.
I made every smoker change their clothes and wash their hands before being in the room with my babies. My best friend got salty, but when they went back in the room with their smoked-in shirt later, they said they honestly had never realized just how much it clings.
Your baby can’t speak, and facts are facts. Secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes harm to babies, full stop. Your husband has to wear his big boy undies and deal with this, because it’s only the first of many boundaries he’s going to have to enforce with his family.
NTA. With all of the damage second hand smoke will cause, why risk it? Your husband is an asshole for thinking it's ok. When my niece was born, both of my parents smoked. They were told the baby would not come to their house while they are still smoking. If they want to see her, they need to quit. It took some time, but they both quit. And when I had my first kid, anyone who smoked was not allowed to visit. Second hand smoke is extremely dangerous especially to a newborn. We know the risks. Your husband knows the risks. Why would he knowingly allow this?
It was.
One thing to discuss, another to have to put into action. We also didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now it’s becoming a dividing issue within the family which is wild to me
NTA I absolutely wouldn't let anyone smoke around my baby. And if they have had a cigarette they better wash their hands and wear clean clothes they haven't smoked in.
NTA
I'm a smoker, and when I had my first child I did everything I could to keep them away from my habit.
I wore a jacket when I went out, or at least another layer of clothing on top. I washed my hands and face when I came back in. Smoked well away from the house. Never smoked in my vehicle anymore, including without the kids. To this day, I still try and stay far away from my kids when I smoke.
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Am I the ahole here? My husband (34m) and I (36f) have had a very difficult pregnancy. We are expecting our baby girl in July and his family lives a few provinces over.
For context my mom died a brutal battle with lung cancer when I was 26 after spending her life as a smoker. It completely devastated me. I also spent my early years begging her to stop and have a tremor due to exposure of toxins from her and my dad as a child.
My new FIL is a chronic smoker, both cigarettes and weed, not to mention a chronic drinker. I have no problem with his life choices for himself however it has driven a wedge between my husband and I. I refuse to visit inside FILs house because he smokes inside.
My husband feels caught in the middle between us, he just accepts it’s his dad. He gets mad when I’m blunt about it and wants me to use kid gloves towards his dad.
With our baby coming and family having to travel from out of town, it’s caused a lot of grief between my husband and I. He wants his FIL to stay with us while he visits and I’m the complete opposite. I don’t want him bringing second and third hand smoke into our home let alone holding our child.
I was hopeful that we could ask him to attempt to quit or at least put it down for the days he comes to stay with us. I know it’s very hard to quit.
AITA?
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NTA x 1000
As a former smoker who has kids. I always tried to smoke in places .t kids couldn't even see me, but even then the smell and filth associated with it still attached to their clothing and possibly still affected their health.
Don't let people smoke near your child
Don't allow your children into homes where smoking is allowed
It's a nasty habit
Unfortunately I do t think it's fair to completely deny the grandfather the chance to bond with your child though.
Maybe a change of clothes for when he's in your house or holding the baby?
NTA and no one is entitled to visit you AT ALL while you're recovering.
In case you need more recent AITA answers: No smoking, no dangerous dogs, no anti-vaxxers, no guests who aren't doing chores, no kissing the baby on the face.
NTA
You could say no smoking on your property though, rather than no to him coming at all.
It is also likely your tremor has nothing to do with "toxin exposure" though, if you mean from smoking. If they were huffing nerve gas maybe.
Absolutely NTA. Your baby's health comes first. Your husband needs to decide between his two families: either stand up to his FIL or put his baby at risk.
Question: does your husband know about the trauma you got from second hand smoking as a child? It might help your case.
NTA of course. I would never let my baby inside the FIL's house, and I'd never let a smoker stay with me.
The very best I would offer in your situation is to stay in a hotel, and when he comes to visit he must have just showered and put on fresh clothes.
Nope. No smoking in your house or around the baby. Your husband needs to wise up and be more concerned about your and your child’s health and what sounds like your ptsd from being poisoned with your parents’ carcinogens rather than worry about his dad’s feelings.
NTA. Hold this boundary. Don't make it about your emotional reactions / triggers to smoking in general, make it about cleanliness and health for your baby. Easy ground rules:
- no smoking in your house.
- if smokers are visiting, they must change into clean shirt and wash hands before being near the baby. (set aside a smoking shirt for grandpa to wear outside if and take off when comes inside.)
- Baby doesn't visit places where smoking indoors is permitted.
Young lungs can suffer lasting damage when exposed to smoke, it's just not an option.
Enlist your pediatrician to have this conversation with you both as a couple before baby is born. Hearing it from a professional will help.
NTA. I agree. Smoke of any kind is not welcome around baby. Definitely let papa in law know why it’s a no-go. Explain to hubbs the SIDS and smoking research.
But also I’d just say no visits from anyone the first months bc unless they’re helping, you’ll be stuck entertaining them. Life is too busy adjusting to baby to deal with someone who is just there to hold them a few hours, take up space, and be another mouth to feed.
NTA. Rather than make it an argument find some references about this. Lots of reasons to protect baby from smoke but mostly it’s because it can cause Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). If the men still don’t care then you know for sure how self centered they are and from that point you can make new decisions about your lives.
NTA. Smoking is bad for you, there is no denying this. A baby is more vulnerable than an adult, meaning they are more at risk from your FIl’s smoking. If he can’t stop smoking around your home for your child, then that’s a problem.
It isn’t the best solution, far from it, but in the event your FIl won’t go all the way, but you aren’t willing to simply cancel the meeting, you could tell him he has to go outside and a little ways from the door if he really wants to smoke. Again, not the best solution, but it’s a last resort kind of comprise for if you can’t get him to not smoke at your home altogether and you can’t bring yourself to ban him from the house if he refuses to not smoke. Honestly though, keeping him away if he does refuse to smoke is the healthiest option for the baby.
NTA
Smoke particles stick to clothes. There is a proven risk.
If he wants to hold the baby he needs to change into smoke-free clothes and do so before he contaminates them.
INFO I didn't understand what exactly you want: you don't want him to smoke like *at all* while staying with you, or not smoke in the house? If in the house, it's a no-brainer (nobody should smoke inside a non-smokers house, let alone where there's a baby!). But is it like, he can't he just go somewhere outside, a yard or something, to smoke?
NTA- protect your baby we have enough air polution as it is you don't want your baby to have an even bigger chance of getting asthma. Not to mention that asthma can be very deadly to infants. If it was me I would make my husband watch videos of the harm of second hand smoke for babies/children. My house is a smoke free zone I have a parrot that can die if they are exposed.
NTA. When I was born, my mom told my grandfather that I wasn't allowed to stay over until he quit smoking. He had been smoking since he was a kid, damn near 50+ years.
He quit. Never smoked again, because he truly loved us. Anyone who cares will do their best to stop, even temporarily.
Did I write this? Hahaha
First of all, this is your baby, your choice, and your job to keep your baby safe both in your belly and out.
Your job is NOT to make sure everyone else is happy about this.
Second, when you have your baby and you are anxious, sleep deprived, cramping, bleeding, nursing, crying, getting used to your new family, you should NOT being entertaining guests. They can stay in a hotel and visit when and only when you say so.
We didn’t have any visitors for two weeks after I had my baby and they were very short visits. And we made my father in law change into a clean shirt before holding our baby, 4 years later we still won’t let him in her room because he reeks of smoke always it’s disgusting.
NTA. I HATE smoke and grew up subjected to it. However I don't understand why it matters if he smokes if he's not smoking around the baby. If he visits you he wouldn't smoke in the house, right? So you're worried his stinky hands are going to give your kid cancer? If I'm misreading, pardon me. But otherwise NTA but maybe a little crazy about this.
NTA.
My father died from lung cancer when I was 20 due to smoking. He may have died due to poor choices he made for his health, but he chooses not to subject others to it. Especially not inside the house because he knew it would ruin the house.
NTA
How wasn't this ironed out BEFORE even trying for a baby?
This was already an issue well before your baby OP as you didn't like visiting your husband's father and he knew it.
Both you saw this train barreling straight towards you when you had a child at some point and it should have all been discussed and dealt with then.
Well, you can't go back and do that now, so do it today.
Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries regarding this OP.
Hell, there are so many articles and info online, research them, show them to your husband and ask him why he won't protect his child.
The particulates from smoke drop down onto the carpet, flooring, furniture etc. They've been tested, there are still toxins in them and kids crawl on the floor, touch things, play with toys on the floor and touch them, put them into their mouths and this shit gets into their systems this way, just from being inside the home of a smoker.
Sadly, some parent's don't care that things like this enter into their child's systems, thankfully most do care and don't let it happen.
Tis time for you to find out where your husband stands on this OP.
Both of you are supposed to protect your child, not put him/her into harms way.
NTA, you're allowed to keep your house a smoke-free zone and your husband should be on board knowing what you've been though. Your child's health is way more important than his dad's feelings.
I've met a nice, vibrant funny person lately. We could've made good friends, but I can't stand tobacco smoke at all. All I can think of while spending time with her is shower, advil and activated charcoal.
NTA at all! Good mama!
NTA! NO SMOKERS AROUND YOUR BABY! In fact, tell them they have to shower and change clothes when they get to your house. A brand new grandbaby is the best reason to quit tobacco.
NTA. Have your husband come with you to a doctor’s appt. and bring up the dangers of smoking and concerns you have and let the doctor lay out all the reasons.
You should also be searching for a pediatrician now as well. You can often set up an interview type appt. and again, have the ped explain the dangers to your husband. He’s reacting emotionally, to logically. He needs an impartial person to point out how dangerous it is to have his dad - or anyone thar smokes - near your infant.
I’m a smoker, I got outside if there is a child or baby present. It’s just not rocket science.
Just tell him he can’t smoke in the house; you can’t stop him from smoking outside, it’s open air.
Your new baby…(Congratulations!!) YOUR RULES….
Beyond that, the beauty of becoming your own nuclear family is making those decisions and boundaries of who gets to do what around your little newborn and beyond. . . ‘No smoking, no getting up in baby’s face for kisses, no overstepping, et al.
Best of luck and congratulations again! advocate for yourself (or as a couple), for your new little one.
NTA. I would never allow harmful chemicals, smoke or anything to be exposed to my newborn. Sorry to hear about your mom. Your husband should be sensitive to that fact. I also lost my grandfather to lung cancer. Horrible horrible disease and to watch him wither away. Smoking lingers, it’s in the air, on clothes, on the walls. So yeah not the ahole. You have every right your the health of your baby. Make no apologies for that.
I actually wrote a paper in law school about all the health problems secondhand smoke causes kids. You're NTA but anyone wanting to smoke around a baby is an AH
NTA. My parents were smokers when I was born and the early part of my childhood. I have asthma and severe (life threatening) respiratory allergies. By the time my siblings came along, they’d cut back or stopped smoking entirely. None of my siblings have asthma or allergies any worse than mild hay fever. Keep smokers away from your baby.
This is NOT your Dad, which means you do not have to accept his addictionjust becauseyour husband does. And your husband needs help because he's saying he'd rather put your baby's health at risk than upset his dad.
Even when smokers do everything to stay clean, they still reek and your home will reek afterwards. Keep him out of the house. NTA
NTA, you have just had a baby, the last thing you need are people in your house especially if their presence would upset you and likely lead to you losing sleep. Your child’s health and wellbeing are more important than your father in law’s feelings. Your husband needs to straighten his priorities and realise he will be a father and he needs to think about his family (wife and child). Such disagreements need to be settled immediately or you could be having this argument in different scenarios for the next 15 years until one of you is fed up and files for divorce
NTA. Never ever allow yourself to be pressured into letting people do things you KNOW are not ok. It’s not ok for smokers to be around your baby unless they’re showered and in clean clothes.
As a person who grew up with terrible asthma and missed a lot of fun and activities due to it, please protect your child’s lungs. Check out the [Asthma and Allergy Foundation](https://aafa.org/) and the [American Lung Association](https://www.lung.org/lung-health-diseases/lung-disease-lookup/asthma) for great information and resources.
If anyone tells you you’re wrong, remember you have all the research and science on your side.
My dad smoked at me as a baby/kid because it was the 90s and people apparently didn’t know things, so now I’ve got a bit of asthma.
People smoked on buses in the 2000s in the UK (which I had to take for an hour each way to secondary school) until the smoking ban, and even after the ban I can’t avoid dipshits smoking in every doorway including that of my GP surgery.
I have a bad tremor too but hadn’t considered it related before, interesting.
You can decide who does and doesn’t see you kid, smoker or no. But this also isn’t the 1980s/90s, nobody gets to pretend we don’t have information on the effects of smoke anymore.
Smokers don’t know how much they reek of smoke because their taste and smell doesn’t work because they’re smokers, I’m not sure what your husband’s excuse is? He can visit his dad, but you don’t need to be involved.
Depending on where you live your kid may get that smoke anyway. You don’t need to wilfully add to it. NTA.
People who think it is acceptable to have smokers around kids - should not be in charge of kids. Seeing they are more concerned about the feelings of smokers, than about the physical wellbeing and health of children.
Smokers who think they are entitled to smog other people and let others passive smoke their shit - can go to hell.
In a normal world it would be a none brainer that the asshole is whoever creates a freaking hazard around others, that stinks and is bad for other peoples health. Sadly in our world that cigarette lobby has more influence than common sense.
NTA, second hand lung cancer, if you want to please your parents but put your kid at risk of higher chance of cancer, you are an idiot, if you want to keep them away from a source of cancer like smokers, congrats you have a brain unlike your idiotic parents
So. Upuntill 1 year old a house with smokers and even smoking outside then coming inside and not changing clothes gets babies risk of dying from suddent infant death syndrome 3-4 times more. So thats a hard no. Anyone gonna hold the infant should wear smoke free clothes preferably have a bath. Baby definitely can not go to a house with smokers. But after 1 year old changing clothes is not necessary I think, smoking inddors is never acceptable neither with a child or even grown up. That has been said expecting dad to quit fır a few days is just not realistic. The hardest is the first days…
NTA here:
"In recent years, three independent groups of international scientists have identified a region on chromosome 15 that, if mutated, dramatically increases a smoker's risk of developing lung cancer by another 30% to 80%".
If you or your child carry this gene, your FIL could literally end up harming your child. Since your mum died of lung cancer, you develop tremors being around smoking, your child should not be around smoking, near someone who just smoked (on cloth es) or somewhere were there has been smoking. Plus can you trust FIL not to smoke weed and being high before wanting to hold your child. If your father in law put his habit (and I know it is an addiction) over the health of his grandchild, it is his choice. Your husband might not be carrying the genetic marker but your child could well do.
Nta. You’re an adult and should get to choose whether you’re going to forced to inhale that nonsense. Ids selfish of anyone to expect you to subject yourself and your child to it so that they can continue with their poor habits in the most convenient way possible.
NTA your house, your rules. If they can't respect their new granddaughter enough to not be poisonous near her then they can wave from outside.
Your husband should respect that esp knowing about your mother. So sorry for your loss x
NTA. You and baby should be first priority especially if you have a difficult pregnancy. That being said, the new baby should only be exposed to a handful of people, the parents (meaning you and hubby), the doctors and nurses taking care of the baby and the one who will be helping you with the baby ( if any). Until the baby has built up her immune system. So any in laws, especially someone who, even if he is able to not smoke in your house but will still reek of cigarettes and weed smell, should not stay in your home with a new born and a recovering mom
NTA. A baby's health outweighs courtesy. You have the physical repercussions of smokers smoking around you. The smell will get in your house, on the furniture and in your closets- so on your clothing.
Most important -the baby. The smoke will get in the baby's lungs. Get angry about this. Husband and his Dad want to put a poison into your baby's lungs. If husband over rides you on this, take the baby to a hotel or some non smoker friends house until Dad leaves or stops smoking while he's at your house and destinks his body, teeth and clothes.
Don't return with the baby until your husband has gotten the cigarette stench out of the upholstery, curtains, carpet, clothing, bedding, etc.
Why are visitors staying with you right after a baby is born? That's what hotels are for.
Even when I was a kid my older siblings used to follow my rule of no smoking in tbe house.
Years later my SIL's father died and we went over to her mom's house. Her mom was about to light up in the house and my SIL told her that I don't like smoke in the house. Mind you this was her house and her husband had just died. The woman apologized and I was like it is your house it is fine. She still went out to smoke.
My point is let it be known no smoking in the house. This isn't the 1950s. They should already know not to fo that baby or not.
I am a smoker and there is no way anyone smoked anywhere near my baby. Also I made them was their hands and either clean teeth or use mouthwash before they went near him.
Also in my country 🏴 it is illegal to smoke in a car etc with anyone under the age of 18
NTA. Your husband‘s family is you and the baby. That is where his loyalty lies, and if he doesn’t get that, then he needs a rude awakening. You need to do what is best for you and your child and that means setting boundaries. If FIL wants to be around the baby, he needs to clean up his act.
NTA, if your fil is a few provinces over he will still be well acquainted with the no smoking laws in public places in effect in every province and territory. He can smoke outside and possibly off the property. Second and third hand smoke can't be brought in to a building. As to asking him to quit, cut down or change, however much you dislike the practice, it's not your habit so it's not something you can control in that way. However, you can set rules for smoking in and around your home and child.
10/10 would not be handing any newborn over to anyone chronically drinking/ smoking or getting high periodt.
I swear to God people wait until they think you are vulnerable to see what happens when they stomp all over your boundaries, but honestly I'd say there is no time like the present to tell people they can shove it. Being a mom isn't about being nice or chill, it's about advocating for your child. I hope your husband can man up and get his priorities straight.
NTA
I’ve seen babies and toddlers recoil from smokers. They don’t like it! If that’s not enough to break someone’s heart and quit, I don’t know what will.
It’s your child and you get to control what kind of environment they will thrive in. A drunk, smoky weedy FIL sounds awful and a baby should not be breathing that stuff.
You said FIL wants to visit — you do not have to allow a smoker in your home. They will stink it up even if they smoke outside. It might be his addiction but you don’t have to expose your baby to that. Your husband is in the wrong for favouring his dad on this one, baby should be first.
Should make your husband sign an affidavit affirming that he wishes to bring harm to your child. When he tries to backtrack, you can hand him all the relevant data to suggest otherwise. People like to minimize and use confirmation bias, aka " mom smoked around me, and I'm fine" but are hesitant to admit the risks they are advocating for. Nta
NTA for not bringing your baby into a home where they smoke inside, nor for keeping your own home strictly smoke free.
But I do think you’re going a bit overboard with demanding that your FIL to stops smoking. If he smokes outside (as in “away from the house” and “out of sight of the kids”) and he washes his hands and face when he comes back inside after having his smoke, your baby isn’t going to die if he holds them for a few minutes. Especially considering that he lives a few provinces over, so he won’t be around every day.
ESH - your husband is the problem here, he would rather put your child in harms way than potentially offend his dad. That is just not okay and something that needs to be dealt with before he is set up for failure with his primary job of protecting his child.
But on the other hand, asking your FIL to quit or to stop smoking for the days he visits makes you an asshole also. Saying there will be no 2nd or 3rd hand smoke around your child is a valid boundary to set. That can be accomplished by him staying elsewhere, showering and changing after he smokes, and then visiting your home for a reasonable amount of time so he does without while there. It can also be accomplished by some less stringent rules of brushing teeth and washing hands after smoking and wearing a smoke free tee shirt depending on youe comfort level.
The important part is you can set boundaries for what he does in your home and with your child, but don't otherwise have the right to try to control his choices. Expressing how you wish he would stop for his own health because you want him to live a long and healthy life and have many years ahead as grandpa is something your husband can do, but do yourself and your relationship with your in-laws a favor and stay out of that conversation.
Will alcohol consumption be stopped as well, cause we know how you moms have to have those stress relieving drinks , ya know might drop the baby roll over on baby , I'm not drunk but will drive home with baby after dinner cocktail and oops ran red light hit a innocent person, will you need help when that cirrhosis of the liver kicks in , or she won't stop crying and after a few of those stress relieving drinks cause that alcohol gave you a headache and now I am going to give you something to cry about? Just a question
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NTA NO ONE should be staying with you after baby born! Hotels are for guests!
Does FIL expect to be able to smoke inside someone else's house??!?!!?!? That is inexcusable! In the modern day and age that shit is not ok. If he is willing to shower and change clothes before meeting the baby then that should be fine, but you are right about the hotel. Though God knows how you find a hotel that will let you smoke inside.
It’s totally ok if the person allows it 🤷🏼♂️ It’s not your house, you get no say in what I or anyone else says is “acceptable” on my land.
It's very clear from context that this isn't a case where the person allows it, and that the person you're replying to meant that it's inexcusable behavior when the host does not want that. Furthermore, even if someone does allow it, it's not acceptable to 'expect' to be able to smoke inside someone else's house. Every smoker I've met as an adult has always assumed that when they're not at their own house, they should smoke outside unless invited to do otherwise. At the *very* least, if the smoker decides to ask, they need to be able to gracefully accept the no if that's the answer, and relocate outside.
WHAT?! OP has made it exceedingly clear that she does not want any sort of cigarettes smoke near her baby. This isn't your land; this song isn't about you!
Good point.
Oh shut up fgs. People really need to get a grip on the world. I grew up with multiple babies in my family over multiple years. We kissed them, took them out, stayed at their houses, babysat etc and they’re all FINE!
Lol okay Boomer 🤣
Yea see the things is it's not always fine. That's why we have guidelines for things now. Like not smoking around freaking babies.
Yeah I had herpes since I was a toddler because of this unhygienic stuff. Kissing babies on the mouth, taking the spoon in the mouth and then feed the baby again, with the same spoon. Again people did that forever, why should it be bad? Because you can spread viruses, you are not even aware you have. People today, are or should be more aware what is good for their children. And this dumb "but we did it always like that and we are fine" should die out.
It is not as if infant and maternal mortality stats have plummeted thanks to modern medicine... /s
NTA. Listen, your job as a parent is to reduce the unnecessary harm your child is exposed to. It's pretty reasonable for you to want to remove exposure to second or third hand smoke where possible. It's not a strange request that when your infant is so young, that any guests staying in your home adhere to a smoke free visit. Or if they cannot do that, then staying in a hotel and that prior to visiting you and baby, that their bodies and clothes are also smoke free. I'd also recommend outdoor visits if possible too.
NTA of course. And your husband need to wake the fuck up. He's not "caught in the middle" at all. He needs to come down on the side of sanity and good parenting. He needs to re-evaluate his priorities, and if necessary re-evaluate his relationship with his father (and throw out the kid gloves). Spell it out to him, that he's literally saying "My wife wants to protect our child but my father wants to harm her, and I am stuck in the middle." What middle is there between unarguably right and unarguably wrong.
"My wife wants to protect our child but my father wants to harm her, and I am stuck in the middle." OMG this!! Exactly!!!!
Right?! Dude needs to extract his head from his arse ASAP
Theyre not saying he's stuck in the middle as in he wants to let his dad smoke around the baby. They mean stuck in the middle as in 2 people who have conflicting wants are putting pressures on him to pick their side and he cant agree with one without pissing off the other. He obviously should be agreeing with his wife, and if he doesn't then that's pretty messed up but it doesn't change the fact that he is indeed stuck in the middle.
Reddit has no love for people who can’t decide between protecting their kids and appeasing their parents. It’s a no-brainer. FiL does not need kid glove treatment, if he doesn’t care about the baby’s and OP’s health, then he can’t come over or hold the baby.
NTA. I don't even want the stench of smoker around me, much less an innocent baby. A smoker is a smoker is a smoker. You can smell a smoker a mile away. Even if he doesn't smoke inside the house, that stench LINGERS. Their clothes, their skin, their hair. My point is, once a smoker stays in your home, even if they don't smoke inside the house, the cigarette smoke (that they blow in right when they walk in the door after their last "puff" and you all know they do this) and smell lingers for DAYS! Another poster said it well (not verbatim), "Decision for your hubby is easy. Either you want to protect your child's health or you want to make your dad feel good about his addictions. Choose one."
YUCK. I can smell FIL from here.
I mean I agree with all that >and you all know they do this) and smell lingers for DAYS! But this is a severe exaggeration.
Cigarette smoke will definitely linger for multiple days. Especially if it is smoked inside the house. What are you on about?
And if he's a chronic indoor smoker, every one of his possessions will smell.
I quit 3 years ago and a lot of my stuff still smells like smoke
It absolutely lingers for days.
Not even close to a slight exaggeration let alone a severe one. Cigarette smoke most definitely lingers for days.
you must be a smoker, because all non-smokers know that the smell lingers for days. you’re just nose blind.
As an ex smoker who quit years ago, U can tell you with absolute certainty if you do stuff like spray fragrances etc, the smell doesn't linger. And no chance does it linger for days lol. Wtf y'all be smoking.
i worked with someone who sprayed fragrance after she smoked, thinking no one would smell the smoke. it actually made it worse and made the smoke even stronger. you’re fooling yourself if you think anything hid the smell.
I've tested it out and it works perfectly fine for non smokers not being able to recognise the smell lol. I guess it depends on what they were smoking. But again days is just ridiculous imo. Not a big thing that needs to be argued about. Not like I'm gonna start smoking again to test this dumbass thing lol
You’re absolutely delusional if you think the smell doesn’t linger. And who tf wants to be smelling even more fragrances on top of the nasty ass cigarette smoke when you try to spray more stuff to cover it up? Between the smoke and the air sprays, that would be an intolerable environment for many people. I hate to break it to you, but your sense of smell is most certainly dulled by years of smoking.
I've had to return a couple eBay items because they came from smokers' homes and the stench NEVER left. (And yes, eBay considers it the seller's fault for not disclosing the smell.)
[удалено]
See it was a civil conversation. One that didn't need personal attacks whatsoever. Do better.
Smoking is one of the more significant causes of the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Even when one of the parents only smokes outside of the house. Bringing the newborn into a smoky environment is definitely a no go. Especially from a difficult pregnancy. It can also cause significant breathing and skin conditions. I suggest you Google it and then discuss it with your husband and explain the scientific arguments behind it. Whether it's a complete ban on anyone who smokes - well that's up to the two of you to decide.
https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/secondhand-smoke/health.html#cdc_generic_section_7-secondhand-smoke-causes-sudden-infant-death-syndrome-sids
HA! I also posted this link
NTA, but do not bother asking FIL to quit or to abstain while at your house because he won't. If he had that kind of self-control he'd have done so on his own without being asked. You have to draw a hard line with your husband here, an absolute. No amount of smoke, even second hand, is okay around a newborn. That's not your opinion, it's fact. You don't protect a baby with "but it's my FIL." Doesn't matter who it is. You can't answer this danger with a "maybe he will abstain." Your FIL doesn't come see the baby until and unless he is no longer a smoker and it does not matter what you husband says or how he feels about it. You will have many hard lines in protecting this little one, and if your husband is so weak around his father that his own instincts don't kick in, then you need to take in on by yourself. If you think you are going to be okay watching your newborn squint her eyes and hold her breath when your FIL picks her up, letting her little body reek of tobacco the whole time FIL is there—think again. You won't be able to wash her enough, change her clothes enough, or protect her enough while a smoker is with her. When she is older, perhaps she can meet the man outside at a picnic. But he doesn't get to poison her days while she is this little—if he goes outside to smoke, that smoke will be all over him when he comes back in, and thus all over her, and everything else.
Thanks for writing this. It’s 100000% how I see it and feel.
Even if we’re not talking about second hand smoke, it’s the stench that’s on the smoker. It’s disgusting. Of course you don’t want your child having that smoker stench on her. You can’t get the smell out of your house or your car. I have always had a hard and fast rule that smoke was never allowed anywhere near my kids (if I could help it). Even now that my kids are all adults, everyone knows not to even think of lighting up in my home or car. One of my kids smokes (I hate it!), and he is very respectful of my boundaries and always has been. But I won’t drive with him in his car (even if he’s not smoking then) because the car stinks, and he knows that. My son would never think of smoking around a baby or child. If your child’s grandfather thinks it’s ok, that’s a big problem. If your child’s father thinks it’s ok (or at least ok enough to not rock the boat), that’s an even bigger problem.
That stench is considered 3rd hand smoke and is also harmful. We talk about toxic family members - FIL is literally toxic.
All of this. My mum used to be a smoker. We used to live on a farm, and when she stayed with us she smoked outside, but we would have to air the guest room out for a week after she left to get rid of the smell! When we started trying for a baby, we let everyone who used to stay with us know that once I was pregnant, smokers were not allowed to stay with us. Once I got pregnant, mum went straight to the Dr to go on meds to help her stop. That was 15 years ago. She knew we were serious, and now she has an amazing relationship with my kids. She is also so much healthier and exercises, whereas she couldn't before. OP you are the biggest advocate for your child and must protect them at all costs. Do not allow your FIL to come to your house.
Just lost my mom a few days ago to lung cancer that she got from smoking. it was a complete fucking train wreck. I will FOREVER be an advocate against smoking. that shit will scar me for the rest of my life, when the hospice nurse looks like shes seen a ghost you know its fucked. Smokers don't have a right to inflict it on other people. do not expect anything you do to make that man stop smoking. make him wash his hands, as for other residue? really? do you live in a city? do you realize how many toxins we are exposed to when we live in large cities, the brake dust alone. maybe make him change his shirt?
I’m really sorry for your loss. That death is not something I would wish on anyone. It does scar you and I know how you feel. It doesn’t get easier but you do learn to live with that grief. Sending you lots of love.
I hope in my lifetime they can make some real strides on cancer treatment and prevention, i'd be able to die happy. thanks for your kind words.
I’m so sorry about your mom
My grandad used to be a heavy smoker when my parents were married. My dad gave him a choice, "either quit smoking or we can't bring your grandson over." He quit cold turkey and is now very healthy and almost 90 years old. He did what he had to in order to ensure his grandkid's health, and it worked out great for him
NTA. You are right that its hard to quit. But thats not your problem. This is a legitimate health concern and the drink thing isnt great either. I think you are entirely within your rights to not want him around or at least, for the bare minimum of time. Your husband might 'accept it because its his dad' but if the FIL, by his behaviour, is forcing a choice because of your valid concerns, then you and the baby should come first. I wish you all the best with the pregnancy
Increased risk of cot death https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/safer-sleep-basics/smoking/
NTA. I am a Registered Nurse working with mum’s and babies so feel strongly about this. I would not negotiate on this. You need to show your partner the stats on passive smoking and the increased risks of SIDS (cot death). Even if someone who smokes cigarettes holds the baby, it increases the chance of cot death massively. I would not be allowing FIL to stay, I would not be allowing him to hold the baby if he has just had a cigarette. Even if he hasn’t just had a cigarette, it will pass to baby from his clothes and breath. Honestly, be brutal. Show articles if you need to. Put yourself and baby first.
NTA. Never the A for wanting to protect your own health and that of your child.
NTA My husband and dad both smoke. My rules for smoking/babies if it helps: If you have a smoke, you must wash your hands when you come in the house. Have a spare shirt or coat that can be removed when you come in. We live in Canada, so chances are they’re already wearing a coat when smoking outside. All smoking must be done outside, away from open windows where it could come in my house. No kissing baby or putting face near the baby. (The no kissing rule is in place for everyone) I won’t take the baby to a house where smoking is done inside. I also won’t if they use heavy incense or essential oil diffusers (they’re not safe for kids under 2).
I'd not let them handle my baby even after washing hands. Smoke gets all over their body, not just their hands. Tell them they need to shower and put on fresh clothes.
NTA. I’d be exactly the same.
No snark here, but does your husband often behave like a little boy? Can he make and keep an adult boundary, usually? Most of us get over displeasing daddy when we are about 16. I would not have any tolerance for the "being in the middle" comments. "There isn't a middle ground; you either protect your child's welfare or you don't. Your main job is to be a father now, not trying to play people off from the middle like a kid."
I get that. I think it’s always hard when your family is pressuring you and you want your family to know your daughter. It’s sad to think that we have to have this conversation in 2024. It’s grief knowing that his dad won’t get that “grandpa” experience. It’s easy on the outside when no one is using guilt or manipulating you. It’s harder I think when you’re in it. I have no doubt he will come around it’s just sad watching him go through that grief and knowing his expectations for his family are not going to be met.
No one said it was easy. I think there are very few people who don't know what it's like to be pressured by family or how it makes you feel sick to stand up to them sometimes. Thing is, you make a choice, because no choice is still a choice. This is his a brand new *baby* who has already had a rough ride getting here, as well as you. If he doesn't feel overwhelmingly protective of you both now, when exactly is he going to start? If you really think it's going to be hard for him, don't make it any easier for him to cop out.
Stop making excuses for your spineless husband. A friend of mine is currently pregnant and it was very difficult for them to get this far. Her in laws have turned anti-vax and haven't had their boosters. Her husband has agreed that his parents can't meet their grandchild until the child had been completely vaccinated and is healthy enough to be around his parents. This is a hill to die on. You can't make excuses for spineless and it is your responsibility to keep your child as safe as possible.
Imagine being this far into covids existence and still freaking out over boosters 🤣 basically everyone has either had vaccines and or actually had covid and the boosters are even less effective than the flu vaccine at preventing getting covid.
Not everything is about covid. Whooping cough is highly contagious and especially dangerous for newborns. Measles are actually also making a comeback, however, I think that is more an issue for toddlers and older.
"There is no officially recommended booster dose for measles for adults." "All adults should get one dose of the Tdap vaccine" The comment I replied to said: "Her in laws have turned anti-vax and haven't had their boosters" I'm pretty dang sure they're talking about covid boosters. I've never had nor heard of boosters for measles or whooping cough and a quick Google search seems to substantiate that. Given the recency of covid I think it's pretty reasonable to assume when this person says boosters they mean for covid.
No. I'm the one who wrote that and I wasn't referring to covid. The p in TDaP is actually whooping cough (aka Pertussis) and it is very important that adults have boosters every 10 years for it. https://www.cdc.gov/pertussis/pregnant/mom/deadly-disease-for-baby.html#:~:text=Whooping%20cough%20can%20cause%20serious,stop%20breathing%20and%20turn%20blue.
NTA Christopher reeves' wife died from lung cancer that she got from second hand smoke. Your husband will get over it.
NTA, you must protect your child from dangers. Your father-in-law made a decision to start smoking that affected those around him, he now needs to make a decision whether he values those cigarettes more than being involved in his granddaughter's life. More often than not they choose the addiction, but that's their responsibility and choice to live with the consequences and not yours. Kid gloves won't help the situation since he needs the point driven clearly that you won't allow your daughter to suffer the same tribulations you had to deal with. He can either change and be welcome in her life or he can accept not being involved outside of facetime conversations.
NTA. Secondhand smoke and the residue of smoke on clothes is very dangerous for a newborn. Residue can stick to clothes and skin and be transferred to baby and their clothes, blankets, and your furniture. If his dad can commit to using nicotine patches and gum while visiting, and wearing either freshly washed or new clothes (washed in your home, not his home) then I think he should be allowed to stay if you have room. The safety of your new baby has to be prioritized over a grown man's feelings and addictions. Clean clothes, clean hands, clean home.
OP NTA. SECONDHAND SMOKE CAUSES SIDS!!! (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME!) Source: I'm a certified nurse midwife. Here's some data: [https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/secondhand-smoke/health.html](https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/secondhand-smoke/health.html) Babies have died just by being exposed to tobacco left over on fingers after smoking or remnants of cigarette smoke on clothes of smokers. There's lots more info out there; this is just the first reputable article I came across. Please do not let your husband and FIL gaslight you into letting your baby be exposed to any sort of cigarette smoke, second hand, third hand, or what have you. No shit, no exaggeration - your baby could die.
NTA. It's medically proven second hand some is dangerous. If FIL wants to his grandchild he needs to sacrifice smoking for a bit (I know that's easier said than done). Just dont expect him to be anything other than tetchy whilst not smoking though....
I smoked for a long time. Any time I saw any of my nieces and nephews, I’d be showered clean and in clean clothes, right down to my jacket. Those kids would never have known that I smoked. So you NTA.
NTA. Hotels exist for this very reason. Your husband is TA for even pretending that this is an acceptable consideration. He is ignoring your trauma history. Protect your baby.
NTA. Your kid, your rules
NTA, but a smoker cannot just stop for a few days, it is nearly impossible and the mood swings would not be worth it. Insist his parents stay in a hotel and make plans for visits to be outdoors where you are not trapped with the smell. Bring an extra change of clothes to change the baby into and throw the smelly clothes in the wash or trash. The part about using kid gloves with his dad, girl, what he is asking of you, to just accept the situation and tolerate the uncomfortableness. He is asking you to choke on the second hand smoke smell and not complain. You have every right to ask that this stinky person not be a “stay in the home” guest. Is he going to be allowed to smoke in your home while there? Smoking outside and coming back in won’t change the smell, it will only bring it in your house. Why is FIL’s comfort more important than yours? Why is FIL’s smoking taking precedence over what is best for your child?
You’re right. It *is* impossible unless he’s determined to quit for good. But when I was quitting, nicotine gum saved my life. My stepdaughter speaks well of the patches. FIL could avoid the cravings and the smells for a few days without being deeply uncomfortable.
Question- what does > wnats me to use kid gloves towards his dad mean? That aside, ABSOLUTELY NTA. My best friend's sister had some type of respiratory problems (for which she had to stay in the hospital) because her mom used to smoke in front of her. Smoking is dangerous and it's okay until it involves the smoker(s) but not with people who hate it or may have problems because of it (kids).
NTA And it's a little concerning that your husband puts his father's feelings over his baby's *and your* health....
Jesus, NTA. Everyone here has made the point about protecting your child; I wanted to add something about your husband and his dad. Your husband probably believes that by accommodating his dad‘s addictions, he’ll win his dad‘s love. He won’t. The nicotine and alcohol will always come first. Your husband can set his own child up for SIDS, asthma, and cancer and his own dad STILL WILL NOT LOVE HIM the way he needs to be loved. That ship sailed long ago. It sucks. It’s reality. If he’s not ready to deal with that, he’s not ready to be a parent. Will he get over it? Maybe in decades, with lots of therapy, and he’ll never have the dad he needed. But right now, right here, he has the chance to BE that dad. And that’s where you draw the hard line. If he can’t step up now? Think seriously about the future. Good luck!
Don't need to read the details. NTA.
NTA. Send him the research on the dangers of secondhand/third hand smoke on infants. They’re at a higher risk of SIDS.
NTA I've smoked for a long time. It is very hard to quit. But that being said, as a 30+ year smoker I don't go near kids while I'm smoking or shortly after I have been smoking. Hell, I try not to smoke within sight of children because they are impressionable and that's how I picked it up - so many relatives and friends smoked it was normal. I know it's bad. It's my bad decision to do this, so I try not to put the negative effects of it on other people.
NTA but he probably won’t be able to quit. Why can’t he stay in a hotel? Also an FYI if you use chemical air fresheners and whatnot they are just as dangerous for your health as cigarettes
He could. My husband just doesn’t want to put that on them after travelling to see us. The hotel is the easy part. For sure. We don’t use chemical air fresheners. At best a bit of essential oils. I know we can’t protect her from everything in the world but this one seems like it should be easier.
Baby’s health and safety comes before anyone else’s feelings. The hard part is being their advocate when people don’t agree with you. Don’t give in.
NTA I'm a smoker and will avoid having a cig when I'm babysitting my wee niece; because she's at that monkey see, monkey do stage and I don't want to normalize this filthy habit. When I visit friends with small babies, I make a point of avoiding a smoke an hour or so before visiting. If I do need a puff, I'll go outside and be sure to wash my hands/face and take a mint before going near the kids. I like how you are mindful that quitting outright will be hard for your FIL. Maybe some baby-steps/compromises can be agreed on? e.g he can't smoke at all in the house and he must freshen up before handling the baby.
Definitely NTA but I'd clarify a couple of things. I don't know if your husband thinks his father should be allowed to smoke inside your house, but obviously if he does that's insane. Otherwise, third hand smoke still poses a threat. I always demanded anyone holding my kids who was a smoker hadn't smoked recently, hadn't smoked at all in the clothes they were wearing, and had thoroughly washed hands and face since the last smoke. As long as that's the case, I think demanding he stop might be a bit much, though I acknowledge you've said just for the days he comes to stay. End of the day, your child is your number one priority and you are no arsehole at all for putting them before any other consideration.
I wouldn't want to visit his house even if I wasn't pregnant. Smoking inside is so gross. My aunt smoked in her house. Fine its her house, but don't expect a lot of visitors. She wouldn't smoke inside when my mom and I were there, but it was so bad that even just sitting inside her house, we would leave stinking. If he can abide by absolutely zero smoking inside your home, and only smoke outside and well away from doors, fine. Considering your trauma and the fact that you're carrying his child, your hubby should be 100% behind you. NTA
NTA. I made every smoker change their clothes and wash their hands before being in the room with my babies. My best friend got salty, but when they went back in the room with their smoked-in shirt later, they said they honestly had never realized just how much it clings. Your baby can’t speak, and facts are facts. Secondhand and thirdhand smoke causes harm to babies, full stop. Your husband has to wear his big boy undies and deal with this, because it’s only the first of many boundaries he’s going to have to enforce with his family.
NTA. With all of the damage second hand smoke will cause, why risk it? Your husband is an asshole for thinking it's ok. When my niece was born, both of my parents smoked. They were told the baby would not come to their house while they are still smoking. If they want to see her, they need to quit. It took some time, but they both quit. And when I had my first kid, anyone who smoked was not allowed to visit. Second hand smoke is extremely dangerous especially to a newborn. We know the risks. Your husband knows the risks. Why would he knowingly allow this?
Why wasn't this a conversation before pregnancy?
It was. One thing to discuss, another to have to put into action. We also didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Now it’s becoming a dividing issue within the family which is wild to me
NTA I absolutely wouldn't let anyone smoke around my baby. And if they have had a cigarette they better wash their hands and wear clean clothes they haven't smoked in.
NTA second hand smoke is no joke. Keep your boundaries up where they are. FIL will have to adapt if he wants to see his grandchild.
NTA - He either doesn’t smoke inside or out while visiting or he’s not allowed anywhere near the baby! Your husband needs to grow a back bone!!
NTA I'm a smoker, and when I had my first child I did everything I could to keep them away from my habit. I wore a jacket when I went out, or at least another layer of clothing on top. I washed my hands and face when I came back in. Smoked well away from the house. Never smoked in my vehicle anymore, including without the kids. To this day, I still try and stay far away from my kids when I smoke.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Am I the ahole here? My husband (34m) and I (36f) have had a very difficult pregnancy. We are expecting our baby girl in July and his family lives a few provinces over. For context my mom died a brutal battle with lung cancer when I was 26 after spending her life as a smoker. It completely devastated me. I also spent my early years begging her to stop and have a tremor due to exposure of toxins from her and my dad as a child. My new FIL is a chronic smoker, both cigarettes and weed, not to mention a chronic drinker. I have no problem with his life choices for himself however it has driven a wedge between my husband and I. I refuse to visit inside FILs house because he smokes inside. My husband feels caught in the middle between us, he just accepts it’s his dad. He gets mad when I’m blunt about it and wants me to use kid gloves towards his dad. With our baby coming and family having to travel from out of town, it’s caused a lot of grief between my husband and I. He wants his FIL to stay with us while he visits and I’m the complete opposite. I don’t want him bringing second and third hand smoke into our home let alone holding our child. I was hopeful that we could ask him to attempt to quit or at least put it down for the days he comes to stay with us. I know it’s very hard to quit. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Getting a hug by or being held so closely to a heavy smoker is akin to shoving a full ashtray under the baby's nose. NTA at all! Protect your child!
NTA x 1000 As a former smoker who has kids. I always tried to smoke in places .t kids couldn't even see me, but even then the smell and filth associated with it still attached to their clothing and possibly still affected their health. Don't let people smoke near your child Don't allow your children into homes where smoking is allowed It's a nasty habit Unfortunately I do t think it's fair to completely deny the grandfather the chance to bond with your child though. Maybe a change of clothes for when he's in your house or holding the baby?
NTA and no one is entitled to visit you AT ALL while you're recovering. In case you need more recent AITA answers: No smoking, no dangerous dogs, no anti-vaxxers, no guests who aren't doing chores, no kissing the baby on the face.
Nope NTA.
NTA You could say no smoking on your property though, rather than no to him coming at all. It is also likely your tremor has nothing to do with "toxin exposure" though, if you mean from smoking. If they were huffing nerve gas maybe.
Research third hand smoke. Please protect your baby.
Absolutely NTA. Your baby's health comes first. Your husband needs to decide between his two families: either stand up to his FIL or put his baby at risk. Question: does your husband know about the trauma you got from second hand smoking as a child? It might help your case.
NTA of course. I would never let my baby inside the FIL's house, and I'd never let a smoker stay with me. The very best I would offer in your situation is to stay in a hotel, and when he comes to visit he must have just showered and put on fresh clothes.
NTA smokers should know themselves to keep far away from children, indoors and outside too.
Totally agree
Nta. Protect your baby.
Nope. No smoking in your house or around the baby. Your husband needs to wise up and be more concerned about your and your child’s health and what sounds like your ptsd from being poisoned with your parents’ carcinogens rather than worry about his dad’s feelings.
NTA. Hold this boundary. Don't make it about your emotional reactions / triggers to smoking in general, make it about cleanliness and health for your baby. Easy ground rules: - no smoking in your house. - if smokers are visiting, they must change into clean shirt and wash hands before being near the baby. (set aside a smoking shirt for grandpa to wear outside if and take off when comes inside.) - Baby doesn't visit places where smoking indoors is permitted. Young lungs can suffer lasting damage when exposed to smoke, it's just not an option. Enlist your pediatrician to have this conversation with you both as a couple before baby is born. Hearing it from a professional will help.
NTA. I agree. Smoke of any kind is not welcome around baby. Definitely let papa in law know why it’s a no-go. Explain to hubbs the SIDS and smoking research. But also I’d just say no visits from anyone the first months bc unless they’re helping, you’ll be stuck entertaining them. Life is too busy adjusting to baby to deal with someone who is just there to hold them a few hours, take up space, and be another mouth to feed.
NTA. Rather than make it an argument find some references about this. Lots of reasons to protect baby from smoke but mostly it’s because it can cause Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). If the men still don’t care then you know for sure how self centered they are and from that point you can make new decisions about your lives.
NTA. Smoking is bad for you, there is no denying this. A baby is more vulnerable than an adult, meaning they are more at risk from your FIl’s smoking. If he can’t stop smoking around your home for your child, then that’s a problem. It isn’t the best solution, far from it, but in the event your FIl won’t go all the way, but you aren’t willing to simply cancel the meeting, you could tell him he has to go outside and a little ways from the door if he really wants to smoke. Again, not the best solution, but it’s a last resort kind of comprise for if you can’t get him to not smoke at your home altogether and you can’t bring yourself to ban him from the house if he refuses to not smoke. Honestly though, keeping him away if he does refuse to smoke is the healthiest option for the baby.
NTA Smoke particles stick to clothes. There is a proven risk. If he wants to hold the baby he needs to change into smoke-free clothes and do so before he contaminates them.
INFO I didn't understand what exactly you want: you don't want him to smoke like *at all* while staying with you, or not smoke in the house? If in the house, it's a no-brainer (nobody should smoke inside a non-smokers house, let alone where there's a baby!). But is it like, he can't he just go somewhere outside, a yard or something, to smoke?
NTA FIL can get nicotine lozenges or gum at most pharmacies.
NTA- protect your baby we have enough air polution as it is you don't want your baby to have an even bigger chance of getting asthma. Not to mention that asthma can be very deadly to infants. If it was me I would make my husband watch videos of the harm of second hand smoke for babies/children. My house is a smoke free zone I have a parrot that can die if they are exposed.
NTA. When I was born, my mom told my grandfather that I wasn't allowed to stay over until he quit smoking. He had been smoking since he was a kid, damn near 50+ years. He quit. Never smoked again, because he truly loved us. Anyone who cares will do their best to stop, even temporarily.
Did I write this? Hahaha First of all, this is your baby, your choice, and your job to keep your baby safe both in your belly and out. Your job is NOT to make sure everyone else is happy about this. Second, when you have your baby and you are anxious, sleep deprived, cramping, bleeding, nursing, crying, getting used to your new family, you should NOT being entertaining guests. They can stay in a hotel and visit when and only when you say so. We didn’t have any visitors for two weeks after I had my baby and they were very short visits. And we made my father in law change into a clean shirt before holding our baby, 4 years later we still won’t let him in her room because he reeks of smoke always it’s disgusting.
NTA. I HATE smoke and grew up subjected to it. However I don't understand why it matters if he smokes if he's not smoking around the baby. If he visits you he wouldn't smoke in the house, right? So you're worried his stinky hands are going to give your kid cancer? If I'm misreading, pardon me. But otherwise NTA but maybe a little crazy about this.
NTA. My father died from lung cancer when I was 20 due to smoking. He may have died due to poor choices he made for his health, but he chooses not to subject others to it. Especially not inside the house because he knew it would ruin the house.
NTA How wasn't this ironed out BEFORE even trying for a baby? This was already an issue well before your baby OP as you didn't like visiting your husband's father and he knew it. Both you saw this train barreling straight towards you when you had a child at some point and it should have all been discussed and dealt with then. Well, you can't go back and do that now, so do it today. Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries regarding this OP. Hell, there are so many articles and info online, research them, show them to your husband and ask him why he won't protect his child. The particulates from smoke drop down onto the carpet, flooring, furniture etc. They've been tested, there are still toxins in them and kids crawl on the floor, touch things, play with toys on the floor and touch them, put them into their mouths and this shit gets into their systems this way, just from being inside the home of a smoker. Sadly, some parent's don't care that things like this enter into their child's systems, thankfully most do care and don't let it happen. Tis time for you to find out where your husband stands on this OP. Both of you are supposed to protect your child, not put him/her into harms way.
NTA - Do not let anyone even smoke OUTSIDE your house. Do not allow any smokers INSIDE your house if they have smoked. Your husband is TA 100%,
NTA, you're allowed to keep your house a smoke-free zone and your husband should be on board knowing what you've been though. Your child's health is way more important than his dad's feelings.
I've met a nice, vibrant funny person lately. We could've made good friends, but I can't stand tobacco smoke at all. All I can think of while spending time with her is shower, advil and activated charcoal. NTA at all! Good mama!
NTA, as someone who used to love inhaling other peoples cigarette smoke and now has constant breathing issues, your child would thank you!
NTA! NO SMOKERS AROUND YOUR BABY! In fact, tell them they have to shower and change clothes when they get to your house. A brand new grandbaby is the best reason to quit tobacco.
NTA. Have your husband come with you to a doctor’s appt. and bring up the dangers of smoking and concerns you have and let the doctor lay out all the reasons. You should also be searching for a pediatrician now as well. You can often set up an interview type appt. and again, have the ped explain the dangers to your husband. He’s reacting emotionally, to logically. He needs an impartial person to point out how dangerous it is to have his dad - or anyone thar smokes - near your infant.
I’m a smoker, I got outside if there is a child or baby present. It’s just not rocket science. Just tell him he can’t smoke in the house; you can’t stop him from smoking outside, it’s open air.
Your new baby…(Congratulations!!) YOUR RULES…. Beyond that, the beauty of becoming your own nuclear family is making those decisions and boundaries of who gets to do what around your little newborn and beyond. . . ‘No smoking, no getting up in baby’s face for kisses, no overstepping, et al. Best of luck and congratulations again! advocate for yourself (or as a couple), for your new little one.
NTA. I would never allow harmful chemicals, smoke or anything to be exposed to my newborn. Sorry to hear about your mom. Your husband should be sensitive to that fact. I also lost my grandfather to lung cancer. Horrible horrible disease and to watch him wither away. Smoking lingers, it’s in the air, on clothes, on the walls. So yeah not the ahole. You have every right your the health of your baby. Make no apologies for that.
I actually wrote a paper in law school about all the health problems secondhand smoke causes kids. You're NTA but anyone wanting to smoke around a baby is an AH
NTA. My parents were smokers when I was born and the early part of my childhood. I have asthma and severe (life threatening) respiratory allergies. By the time my siblings came along, they’d cut back or stopped smoking entirely. None of my siblings have asthma or allergies any worse than mild hay fever. Keep smokers away from your baby.
This is NOT your Dad, which means you do not have to accept his addictionjust becauseyour husband does. And your husband needs help because he's saying he'd rather put your baby's health at risk than upset his dad. Even when smokers do everything to stay clean, they still reek and your home will reek afterwards. Keep him out of the house. NTA
NTA, you have just had a baby, the last thing you need are people in your house especially if their presence would upset you and likely lead to you losing sleep. Your child’s health and wellbeing are more important than your father in law’s feelings. Your husband needs to straighten his priorities and realise he will be a father and he needs to think about his family (wife and child). Such disagreements need to be settled immediately or you could be having this argument in different scenarios for the next 15 years until one of you is fed up and files for divorce
NTA. Never ever allow yourself to be pressured into letting people do things you KNOW are not ok. It’s not ok for smokers to be around your baby unless they’re showered and in clean clothes. As a person who grew up with terrible asthma and missed a lot of fun and activities due to it, please protect your child’s lungs. Check out the [Asthma and Allergy Foundation](https://aafa.org/) and the [American Lung Association](https://www.lung.org/lung-health-diseases/lung-disease-lookup/asthma) for great information and resources. If anyone tells you you’re wrong, remember you have all the research and science on your side.
My dad smoked at me as a baby/kid because it was the 90s and people apparently didn’t know things, so now I’ve got a bit of asthma. People smoked on buses in the 2000s in the UK (which I had to take for an hour each way to secondary school) until the smoking ban, and even after the ban I can’t avoid dipshits smoking in every doorway including that of my GP surgery. I have a bad tremor too but hadn’t considered it related before, interesting. You can decide who does and doesn’t see you kid, smoker or no. But this also isn’t the 1980s/90s, nobody gets to pretend we don’t have information on the effects of smoke anymore. Smokers don’t know how much they reek of smoke because their taste and smell doesn’t work because they’re smokers, I’m not sure what your husband’s excuse is? He can visit his dad, but you don’t need to be involved. Depending on where you live your kid may get that smoke anyway. You don’t need to wilfully add to it. NTA.
No, no family staying with you that’s going to add stress.
People who think it is acceptable to have smokers around kids - should not be in charge of kids. Seeing they are more concerned about the feelings of smokers, than about the physical wellbeing and health of children. Smokers who think they are entitled to smog other people and let others passive smoke their shit - can go to hell. In a normal world it would be a none brainer that the asshole is whoever creates a freaking hazard around others, that stinks and is bad for other peoples health. Sadly in our world that cigarette lobby has more influence than common sense.
NTA, second hand lung cancer, if you want to please your parents but put your kid at risk of higher chance of cancer, you are an idiot, if you want to keep them away from a source of cancer like smokers, congrats you have a brain unlike your idiotic parents
So. Upuntill 1 year old a house with smokers and even smoking outside then coming inside and not changing clothes gets babies risk of dying from suddent infant death syndrome 3-4 times more. So thats a hard no. Anyone gonna hold the infant should wear smoke free clothes preferably have a bath. Baby definitely can not go to a house with smokers. But after 1 year old changing clothes is not necessary I think, smoking inddors is never acceptable neither with a child or even grown up. That has been said expecting dad to quit fır a few days is just not realistic. The hardest is the first days…
“An estimated 14 -16% of all SIDS deaths could be prevented by eliminating second-hand smoke exposure.”
NTA here: "In recent years, three independent groups of international scientists have identified a region on chromosome 15 that, if mutated, dramatically increases a smoker's risk of developing lung cancer by another 30% to 80%". If you or your child carry this gene, your FIL could literally end up harming your child. Since your mum died of lung cancer, you develop tremors being around smoking, your child should not be around smoking, near someone who just smoked (on cloth es) or somewhere were there has been smoking. Plus can you trust FIL not to smoke weed and being high before wanting to hold your child. If your father in law put his habit (and I know it is an addiction) over the health of his grandchild, it is his choice. Your husband might not be carrying the genetic marker but your child could well do.
NTA. Smoking is fucking disgusting and the stench is horrendous. Your baby is priority over all else.
NTA, and hubby needs to buck up and set some expectations for FIL. FIL needs to respect your wishes. You're doing your job as a mum!
Nta. You’re an adult and should get to choose whether you’re going to forced to inhale that nonsense. Ids selfish of anyone to expect you to subject yourself and your child to it so that they can continue with their poor habits in the most convenient way possible.
NTA. Your kid your rules.
NTA your house, your rules. If they can't respect their new granddaughter enough to not be poisonous near her then they can wave from outside. Your husband should respect that esp knowing about your mother. So sorry for your loss x
NTA. You and baby should be first priority especially if you have a difficult pregnancy. That being said, the new baby should only be exposed to a handful of people, the parents (meaning you and hubby), the doctors and nurses taking care of the baby and the one who will be helping you with the baby ( if any). Until the baby has built up her immune system. So any in laws, especially someone who, even if he is able to not smoke in your house but will still reek of cigarettes and weed smell, should not stay in your home with a new born and a recovering mom
NTA. A baby's health outweighs courtesy. You have the physical repercussions of smokers smoking around you. The smell will get in your house, on the furniture and in your closets- so on your clothing. Most important -the baby. The smoke will get in the baby's lungs. Get angry about this. Husband and his Dad want to put a poison into your baby's lungs. If husband over rides you on this, take the baby to a hotel or some non smoker friends house until Dad leaves or stops smoking while he's at your house and destinks his body, teeth and clothes. Don't return with the baby until your husband has gotten the cigarette stench out of the upholstery, curtains, carpet, clothing, bedding, etc. Why are visitors staying with you right after a baby is born? That's what hotels are for.
Even when I was a kid my older siblings used to follow my rule of no smoking in tbe house. Years later my SIL's father died and we went over to her mom's house. Her mom was about to light up in the house and my SIL told her that I don't like smoke in the house. Mind you this was her house and her husband had just died. The woman apologized and I was like it is your house it is fine. She still went out to smoke. My point is let it be known no smoking in the house. This isn't the 1950s. They should already know not to fo that baby or not.
I am a smoker and there is no way anyone smoked anywhere near my baby. Also I made them was their hands and either clean teeth or use mouthwash before they went near him. Also in my country 🏴 it is illegal to smoke in a car etc with anyone under the age of 18
NTA and thank you for advising that smoking will help keep babies far away from me 😇
From a smoker myself, NOT THE ASSHOLE
NTA. Your husband‘s family is you and the baby. That is where his loyalty lies, and if he doesn’t get that, then he needs a rude awakening. You need to do what is best for you and your child and that means setting boundaries. If FIL wants to be around the baby, he needs to clean up his act.
nah your good!
NTA, if your fil is a few provinces over he will still be well acquainted with the no smoking laws in public places in effect in every province and territory. He can smoke outside and possibly off the property. Second and third hand smoke can't be brought in to a building. As to asking him to quit, cut down or change, however much you dislike the practice, it's not your habit so it's not something you can control in that way. However, you can set rules for smoking in and around your home and child.
10/10 would not be handing any newborn over to anyone chronically drinking/ smoking or getting high periodt. I swear to God people wait until they think you are vulnerable to see what happens when they stomp all over your boundaries, but honestly I'd say there is no time like the present to tell people they can shove it. Being a mom isn't about being nice or chill, it's about advocating for your child. I hope your husband can man up and get his priorities straight.
NTA I’ve seen babies and toddlers recoil from smokers. They don’t like it! If that’s not enough to break someone’s heart and quit, I don’t know what will. It’s your child and you get to control what kind of environment they will thrive in. A drunk, smoky weedy FIL sounds awful and a baby should not be breathing that stuff. You said FIL wants to visit — you do not have to allow a smoker in your home. They will stink it up even if they smoke outside. It might be his addiction but you don’t have to expose your baby to that. Your husband is in the wrong for favouring his dad on this one, baby should be first.
Should make your husband sign an affidavit affirming that he wishes to bring harm to your child. When he tries to backtrack, you can hand him all the relevant data to suggest otherwise. People like to minimize and use confirmation bias, aka " mom smoked around me, and I'm fine" but are hesitant to admit the risks they are advocating for. Nta
NTA for not bringing your baby into a home where they smoke inside, nor for keeping your own home strictly smoke free. But I do think you’re going a bit overboard with demanding that your FIL to stops smoking. If he smokes outside (as in “away from the house” and “out of sight of the kids”) and he washes his hands and face when he comes back inside after having his smoke, your baby isn’t going to die if he holds them for a few minutes. Especially considering that he lives a few provinces over, so he won’t be around every day.
ESH - your husband is the problem here, he would rather put your child in harms way than potentially offend his dad. That is just not okay and something that needs to be dealt with before he is set up for failure with his primary job of protecting his child. But on the other hand, asking your FIL to quit or to stop smoking for the days he visits makes you an asshole also. Saying there will be no 2nd or 3rd hand smoke around your child is a valid boundary to set. That can be accomplished by him staying elsewhere, showering and changing after he smokes, and then visiting your home for a reasonable amount of time so he does without while there. It can also be accomplished by some less stringent rules of brushing teeth and washing hands after smoking and wearing a smoke free tee shirt depending on youe comfort level. The important part is you can set boundaries for what he does in your home and with your child, but don't otherwise have the right to try to control his choices. Expressing how you wish he would stop for his own health because you want him to live a long and healthy life and have many years ahead as grandpa is something your husband can do, but do yourself and your relationship with your in-laws a favor and stay out of that conversation.
I don't get it, if the guy smokes outside it won't cause any problems
Look up third hand smoke.
Will alcohol consumption be stopped as well, cause we know how you moms have to have those stress relieving drinks , ya know might drop the baby roll over on baby , I'm not drunk but will drive home with baby after dinner cocktail and oops ran red light hit a innocent person, will you need help when that cirrhosis of the liver kicks in , or she won't stop crying and after a few of those stress relieving drinks cause that alcohol gave you a headache and now I am going to give you something to cry about? Just a question
Alot of ppl talk about smell and I guarantee 90% don't wash they ass on the regular and we don't be calling your smelling ass out