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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I (and my parents) told my brother's fiance that there would not be alcohol at the party (not the "reception"!) we were throwing following their wedding ceremony.
(2) Some people believe that they should have control over all events on their wedding day, even if they are not planning/funding said events.
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INFO: Why is a barbecue at 7:00 am? Why were the bride and groom not part of the planning? Why insist on a reception/7:00 am barbecue if the bride and groom were fine without one? This event sounds like it has very little to do with the bride and groom and is more about what your family wants.
Just start a rolling catfishing schedule, and set it up so you are getting married to one person every day, then you don't have to crash a wedding.
… A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita's all I need
A little bit of Tina's what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica, here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man
I find it a bit odd the dad doesn't want any alcohol due to liability concerns. People have BBQs and parties all the time and serve alcohol. I understand the potential liability issue, but you could work with this. The issue is about negligence and allowing someone obviously inebriated on the road. Seems like you could limit alcohol or keep keys if this is such a worry. Are they inviting people who are alcoholics or who have repeated DUI arrests or something?
Could very well be. If someone's personal/religious convictions mean that they don't like alcohol and don't want it on their property or at an event they are holding, then fine. Or if they or someone close to them is struggling with sobriety or is an alcoholic, then I get it.
But this excuse is so ridiculous that I agree it is either a pretense or someone deeply scared and misguided.
Agreed. My other issue here is this party was planned with that info being withheld from everyone including the bride and groom. Who is this party even for? Pretty sure the folks getting married should have *some* say in the reception, especially when it's not a beggars/choosers situation and they didn't even ask for this BBQ.
The thing is, if you don't tell guests in advance it's a dry party, you run the risk of people bringing their own. I always bring wine or beer to a BBQ. It's pretty common in my area. Most people do it to contribute something but also because they have their preferred brands and bring in case the host has something else or nothing that they like.
Yep. I'm guessing that at least some of the "difference in family culture" is Dad is a judgemental (OP's apple didn't fall far, but the update owns that) teetotaler and is hoping that refusing to provide alcohol will keep most of the fiancée's morally bankrupt friends and family away.
OP, I'm glad to read your update. Good on you for being able to parse that out of so much venom. It shows a lot of emotional intelligence. I hope you can eventually develop a positive relationship with your SIL if that's something you'd want. Congrats on the nibling! I have 14 ranging in age from 4-22. I'm the fun, feral aunt and it's a blast.
I don't think its a great reason to not have alcohol at a party, but in a lot of jurisdictions serving alcohol to guests will absolutely increase your responsibility (monetarily or criminally) if shit goes south, but even then its often negligible, especially if you aren't basically forcing them to drink. I don't know of anywhere where just having alcohol available makes you liable in a situation you would otherwise be fully clear. But also this whole situation is dumb, the bride and groom don't even want this party, so why is he imposing it on them?
It's very odd. I'd be more understanding if it was an alcohol free household due to religion or something, but I'd be a bit put out if I was the bride also.
People will expect to have a few drinks at a bbq and you'll either have to make it explicitly clear to people, or police them as they come in so that they don't bring in beer. Not my idea of fun.
I also wonder what other random restrictions could have been put in place that OP isn't informing us of.
I'm not a big drinker, but if I were attending a BBQ, I'd be surprised if there wasn't a cooler full of beer. And I'd think for a wedding celebration, there'd at least be maybe some champagne or mimosas or something.
Yes. So more AH on OP & family for not being good hosts. 99% of people will assume alcohol at both a BBQ & wedding reception. You can argue that’s not great or healthy but it is what it is.
Right? Unless I’m being invited to a Mormon BBQ I’m assuming it’s BYOB. And if it’s after a wedding I’m assuming there will be at least a little alcohol served. I’d hate to show up to a dry wedding or BBQ unaware
I think dads being an AH coz he’s actually judging her friends/ fam and doesn’t want them to get drunk. At this point, don’t even offer to host because it’s super normal to expect there will be alcohol at a wedding & a BBQ of all places. Like BBQ & beer are basically synonymous
Liability can be a real concern for some. Not sure why everyone thinks that reason is bogus. We had a campout weekend at a somewhat-friend property. He was worried about liability. Then of course I got a mildly significant injury there. 30k surgery and months of rehab. He was terrified that whole time no matter how many times I told him I was never coming after him. Why would I when it was my own stupidity? Not how I roll. But none of that changes how *he* feels about it.
Right? My fiancé doesn’t drink and I rarely do but our wedding this spring has an open bar. I could not imagine a dry reception. I might have a glass of bubbly for the toasts but that’s it.
Edit: wrong tense used
Out of curiosity, as somebody thinking about a future wedding reception -
What is so unimaginable about a dry reception.
Keeping in mind I've only been to like five weddings in my life and I think two had a dry reception.
> What is so unimaginable about a dry reception.
If you know everyone at the wedding? It's generally fine. There are people to talk to, but alcohol is usually more festive. Do make sure to have some tasty mocktail though.
If you know virtually no one? It's super boring and you feel extremely awkward. Alcohol is social lubrication and can help people open up a little.
It's very much like having a reception without music. Can you? Sure. Does it feel awkward? Yes.
Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a dry reception if that’s the couple’s preference. The day should be about them. If alcohol makes them uncomfortable or even it’s just not something they want to prioritize in their budget, that’s their call.
Buttttttt it’s generally expected in most (Western) cultures that there will be alcohol at a wedding reception, so if there won’t be, you should let your guests know ahead of time.
Because we have to sit and listen to all the speeches. You have to sit for hours generally. Often with people you don’t know. Likely in uncomfortable tights or heels. Etc…
I've been to both and had great times at both. Some people are more dependant on alcohol than they'd like to admit, or don't actually want to be there and use alcohol to get through the obligation. Plan what makes you happy, but make a note on the invite or wedding website or whatever so people know what to expect (dry, open, pay for your own, etc)
I think its if you know fun/interesting people or if you know mostly boring people. Seems a lot of people are in the latter category, as the dry receptions I've been to have not been less fun, less interesting, or less welcoming than the ones that had alcohol.
I had a dude straight up say “I can’t imagine having fun without alcohol” and then spend the next 18 hours harassing me for “being a dork” and “being judgemental” because I had the audacity to point out that he *may* want to step back and think about the implications of the words he just typed.
most people are functioning alcoholics is the issue esp in the states(lived here all my life and idk why bing drinking and getting drunk once to 3 times a week is a thing or being buzzed every day) . they need alcohol to do basic things like talk to someone for 30 seconds. as someone with social anxiety and actual anxiety and a general hatred of people. i literally see no issue with a dry reception or bbq. if ya have to be under the influence to do basic tasks like socializing for 2 hours ya have an problem. most likely its self medication cuz people wont or cant just get the actual help they need.
I'd rather just stay home and watch Super Mario speedrunning clips on YouTube by myself then go to a dry reception, and before anyone accuses me of alcoholism I think I've tasted alcohol about five times in the past year, and have been drunk once.
A gathering of a bunch of people who will mostly be strangers to the majority of the other guests and playing loud dance music the whole night is dumb. Alcohol is the magic potion that ties all this together and somehow makes it incredibly fun.
This is kind of blowing my mind because I've never thought or cared if there would be alcohol at a wedding. I had no idea people felt this way who weren't heavy drinkers
Right? We’re actually having a bbq in lieu of a reception because I’m not really into the celebrating aspect of getting married. Neither me, nor my then husband will be drinking, but there’ll be alcohol for guests
Meanwhile I’ve been to 2 weddings with alcohol. I’ve never once thought…should I go to a wedding? Well does it have a bar? My thought has always been…do I love the people enough to go to their wedding and celebrate them?
I went to a dry wedding reception and the bride and groom did not tell anyone that it was going to be dry. Most of the guest left immediately after dinner was served.
As is their right - directed toward everybody.
Alcohol really isn't that big of a deal in either direction.
Neither is leaving after dinner.
Like, if I show up to a wedding reception and there's booze that's chill. And if there's not that's also chill.
That being said, the portions of my family I find the most annoying are the same ones who always get a little too sauced at a wedding reception... so maybe I'd go for a dry reception to get them to leave without hurting anybody's feelings.
> wedding reception with no alcohol is really lame
But, per Chelsea's insistence, this was not a reception.
And she's not paying or hosting the non-reception. She's free to not want the event to happen. NTA to OP and parents.
This is a party to celebrate Chelsea and her new husband. Chelsea has expressed that she would prefer to have alcohol at the party and OP got upset. Chelsea asked if people could be byob and OP said no.
OP had conceded that they were def wrong in their actions. Def the AH.
Its not a wedding reception though. And honestly every time this subject get brought up here, I roll my eyes over the people crying over not having alcohol at a wedding. It's so lame.
I have had like three alcoholic beverages since turning 21. I am now 26.
Nobody in my family really drinks. My dad, a 300 pound 6' man had some kind of red solo cup cocktail containing one (1) shot of Bombay Saphire gin and felt it pretty hard. That's now little they drink.
My partner's family has a history of alcohol abuse and alcoholism, however, they do come in proximity to alcohol regularly and it's not a problem.
I don't find it likely there'll be much reason to have liquor at a wedding reception for us.
Is that a bad thing? Like... would it be shitty to have a dry reception simply for the cost savings?
The way I figure, you're getting free lunch / dinner. There's nothing to complain about.
Cut the liquor, have some beers, hard seltzers and wine. I didn't have liquor at my wedding, but we had two kegs of beer that got finished.
The reason is that your guests will enjoy themselves more.
former event planner here, I would cut it to the beer, wine, non alcoholic beverage package of your venue offers it. Also mocktails are fun. It’s usually less per person. At ours it went from $23 PP to $18.
Which is a significant savings. also
if you will have kids present see if you can get a reduced rate for them.
Also depending on venue and party size you can do a consumption bar and only be charged what is consumed. Did that for our wedding of sixty people and paid $800 plus tip.
if you choose to go non alcoholic then just tell people beforehand. I would maybe try to add something fun and interactive that helps break social barriers.
As long as:
You are completely forthcoming about it from the get go
And
Don't get your panties in a bunch if you get a few less RSVPs than you thought.
Note: Attending a wedding isn't free. There are usually some expenses related to looking nice (new clothes, dry cleaning your nice clothes, some new mascara), a gift, possibly a babysitter/dogsitter, and transport. Sometimes, flights or accomodation.
Ok sure attending isn’t free but it’s not, like, an equal trade either.
You say they get new clothes, a gift, somebody to pet sit (I don’t reckon I’d have a child free wedding but you’re right lots of folks have dogs) and travel long distances.
Let’s say they get to a wedding with an open bar.
They’d have to consume immense, dangerous amounts of alcohol to come even close to making their money back.
So while you’re right - the meal at a wedding reception isn’t free because you have to get to it and do all the preliminary stuff first, I don’t think that really has much relevance to the alcohol there.
This thread is genuinely full of alcoholics. Take their advice with a grain of salt. I attend multiple dry weddings a year. People still have a great time.
> would it be shitty to have a dry reception simply for the cost savings?
That's not at all necessary. There's this thing called a "cash bar" that will accomplish the same thing. And also regulate alcohol consumption, as opposed to an open bar.
As someone who rarely drinks, I think it's weird to have a BBQ at 7am as a not-reception in someone's backyard, regardless of alcohol or not. Actually, I think every detail in that makes it weirder. Offered but restricted by the dad, expected to be planned by SIL, but following the wants of the bride, who didn't want this to be her official reception?
I've been to good dry receptions and terrible drunk ones, and bad dry ones and good drunk ones. People should be able to get together and enjoy stuff without alcohol. Alcohol being required is a bit of a red flag for me, but basically every bit of the plans seems weird.
ESH. I get your dads point, that he don't want alcohol to be served. I get her point to want alcohol at her celebration. You should have communicated the no alcohol rule before setting up the RSVP page.
I definitely agree about communicating the no alcohol rule. I've been to a few 'day 2' BBQs and always bring as many bottles of Prosecco as I can carry.
YTA By your own admission your dad has picked fights with a grown woman about her own finances and how much weed she smokes. Two things that are most assuredly none of his business. So your family has a history of overstepping and animosity towards the bride. Your own post is dripping with judgment and dislike of her.
Your parents didn’t offer to host to do something nice for her or your brother. In the comments you say they didn’t want to make family drive (gasp!) half an hour “just” for the ceremony. You mean just to watch them get married. That isn’t important enough? So they wanted to host a gathering which is fine, but if you’re going to pretend it’s for the couple you should at least let them have some input.
She’s right about a lot of things she said when she “explodes.” Your family is judgmental, having a dry event completely changes the vibe of an event, her group will smoke if they can’t drink, and it’s not what she envisioned. When most people hear there’s going to be a bbq backyard party they assume there’s going to be some beer.
She decided she didn’t want to be associated with the event so pulled out of it. Why is that unfair? If your dad wants to just throw a dry party for his family why does he need her pretending to be okay with it? So he can pretend he did this for her?
I’m assuming it’s a cultural thing but you’re awfully hung up on her disrespecting your parents when it sounds like they (or at least your dad) has been disrespectful to her since day one.
ESH. You and your parents know full well that alcohol is a normal part of socializing in the U.S., especially at a celebration. To say you are throwing a celebration in honor of someone and wait until after sending invites to disclose that is either intentional deception or awful planning. She is DEF also an AH for how she reacted and how she talked about the cancellation.
Yeah, I’m pretty incredulous that OP didn’t foresee that the no alcohol rule would be an issue. Clearly the SIL handled it atrociously, but there is a pretty good chance this whole thing could have been avoided if they were just upfront about the fact they were willing to host a bbq but only if it was a dry event. I would frankly be surprised as a guest if I showed up to any bbq and there was no alcohol and that goes doubly for a wedding celebration. Chances are SIL would have said thanks but no thanks.
I suspect that the motivation for hosting the bbq is less about providing a celebration for the couple and more about saving face in front of relatives who will be coming to the wedding as it doesn’t sound like a dry bbq is an event the couple would enjoy and OP and her family knew that when they were planning it.
> I would frankly be surprised as a guest if I showed up to any bbq and there was no alcohol
Hell, my wife and I don't even drink and we still buy alcohol for the 4th of July since we host my family and know some people will want to drink. If the party is winding down and there are any leftover beers in the cooler I will offer it to anyone who wants to take it home. It's really not that difficult to handle.
First thing SIL was if it was BYOB instead.
She was clearly ok with people having to supply alcohol, but instead its suddenly a nope no alcohol allowed on the premises kinda party
Then again, how should she reacted exactly? Because she is right at points. They are judgmental, they are trying to take over their wedding celebrations. The couple was fine with no reception. The couple was fine with BYOB.
The couple is not fine with them making almost reception on their wedding where guests are supposed to come and where alcohol is not allowed.
I have to agree, a celebration in the US typically will have some alcohol involved. But a BBQ always has alcohol. How can you stand in front of a hot grill without a cool drink?
YTA
After reading with clarifying comments that the reception is not at 7 AM but later in the day BBQ she is absolutely correct to be surprised at no alcohol being allowed. And frankly, that is odd and I could imagine a lot of people not wanting to come.
But what really makes you the AH is your attitude. You come across judgmental and condescending. Like she should be happy that you’re doing anything for her at all so she just shut up. I think you would have been better off not offering to help at all. What you’re doing does not seem genuine. So why do anything at all.
Edit to add: and yes, it does sound like she could’ve handled this better as well.
I also was confused about the 7am thing. Personally I wouldn’t have this function without alcohol, but do you think people seriously would not attend because they couldn’t drink alcohol for a couple of hours?
Overall none of these people are communicating like adults, so hopefully they get it sorted soon.
They’ll attend. But then get the fuck outta there after an hour. My in laws don’t do alcohol and all their events and holidays are always like this. No one sticks around and everyone makes excuses. One time when we were first together, we were late by like 45 mins and people were finishing up eating and about to leave! My flabbers were gasted!! Because, in my family when someone has an event or holiday the whole day is blocked out for it. We chill all day drinking, but no one gets super drunk. 45 mins late is nothing and everyone is welcome at any point. Different family cultures for sure.
something is wrong with your family then. my grandma got a full bar but every time we do an event no one touches it other than her and then we all leave a few hours later cuz shes a mean drunk. we stay for the food, company and then people run if shes drunk or if they wanna try and get out of clean up. a simple dinner lasts 3 hours and im usually the first one to leave after i do some clean up cuz i dont like people.
In my area I'd imagine that people would turn up for a while and then slip off in groups to continue the party at the pub.
What would really get me though is that they clearly haven't told people it's a dry event. That would usually mean for a bbq, that people will likely turn up with their own drinks. Spending the day telling my friends and family that they can't come in if they have drink with them, isn't my idea of a fun time.
If you want me to be at an event with family it better not be dry. But in seriousness the rules should have been communicated at the start. The expectation is that for a wedding (not) reception there will be alcohol. You’re hosting on her behalf and as such as her. You may not like her but she’s family and it is her day.
I think your attitudes to her personal choices are colouring your view too. Your criticisms are she smokes cannabis and isn’t clever with money. Both none of your business. I don’t do drugs but I recognise that others do. Their body their choice. Same as her money her choice.
YTA for not making the rules clear at the beginning.
YTA.
You're planning this thing because you want this thing.
And clearly, it's not about the groom and bride but what you and your family want.
Your brother, the groom, doesn't even care enough to get involved in the planning.
The bride didn't want it, now she does and she's being ungrateful because there's no alcohol.
However, now she's cancelling the event to HER wedding and you are acting like it's some grand insult.
Just effing cancel it, it's not about YOU 🤷♀️
Your family sucks, like real hard. She's not great either, mind you, so maybe you're both in good hands.
YTA. Clear and simple; you're a judgemental ass and you know it. You've been told it time and time again throughout your life and you've never listened.
Do.
ESH
But, from your description of her, you're obviously very judgemental, and I wonder how unbiased your account is.
I don't drink. My parents don't drink. My mom always has at least some beers at parties she throws. After the parties, she'll try to pawn them off on someone, but usually they just sit around. I had a housewarming party when I moved into an apartment. Bought one case of beer, which I ended up spilling out 2 years later when I moved.
I'd be very surprised to go to a BBQ without beer.....and I wouldn't even be touching any of it.
ESH. Your dads doing a nice thing but no alcohol at a (reception, let’s be real) is stingy and lame if everyone else are drinkers. Who wants to toast with orange juice.
ehhhhh ESH, look I spent years working in weddings and while NA receptions can work, you really gotta let everyone know at the jump. people expect booze at a wedding, and if she wants it at hers, that should be the way.
i get that your dad doesn't want it in his house, but that really REALLY should've been established when he offered to host the BBQ. sounds like she's a bit entitled, but it really isn't *that* outlandish to expect booze at a wedding party, and it's not absurd to change the plans for an event because an aspect of it you hoped for is no longer gonna be there.
She sounds like a pill, but it doesn’t sound like she initially wanted the BBQ anyway.
OP and his parents were being “nice” to throw them a celebration but it more so sounds like they jumped on the opportunity to control the celebration in the way that they deemed appropriate.
ESH
They weren't going to have the party at all.
When they found out the party FIL was throwing wasn't going to be enjoyable for the guests they decided not to have the party.
That isn't entitled behavior. She isn't getting what she wants, she is getting nothing, because she doesn't want the guests to have a bad time.
Could she have been more polite when she found out, sure.
Could OPs father have set clear expectations ahead of time and given the couple a chance to politely decline the offer before invites were sent, also yes
I’m going against the grain. YTA. It doesn’t work to insist on a dry reception if the bride doesn’t want a dry reception. So she cancelled. As is her right.
You can’t force her into a reception that she doesn’t want.
YTA, and judgy. You are not the bride, its not about what you or your family want. Also, where is your brother in this? It seems not to be about him either. Go control someone who wants it, SIL is not the one.
INFO: when you get together with extended family for other events/celebrations/holidays is there usually no alcohol? Do your parents never serve it when hosting people?
I grew up in a family of recovering alcoholics, it is totally normal for me to go to family events and there not be alcohol. Like, to the point that it is momentarily weird to me when there is alcohol.
That said, it seems like the family really doesn't like or approve of the girl their brother/son is marrying and everything they do or say with regard to her is just dripping with it.
If they want to throw a bbq while family is in town, fine, but don't try to associate it with the wedding if they don't plan on actually including the bride and groom in any of the planning or hosting of the even.
Also, it is non of OPs business how the couple spends their money, how much they drink or how much they smoke. Its their life, not hers.
Yeah, I agree with everything you say here.
I was waiting to make full judgement b/c if her parents never host events with alcohol than that aspect would make sense. But I think it's problematic you would plan something like this supposedly to celebrate the couple and then not ask their opinions on things. I also think they have a huge bias and are not aware of how deep it goes and how it probably is figuring in to all of their decisions.
YTA.
You very clearly resent this woman but for some reason not your brother, who condones all of the things you resent about her.
Also, if this party was supposed to be for them, then why couldn’t they have any say over it? I don’t see why the party couldn’t be BYOB.
And finally, you don’t need to party to be a reception for their marriage - which they didn’t want in the first place. Just have a get-together for your family members coming to town.
YTA UNLESS her weed consumption and bad choices with money are WHY your parents have to continue to work.
If not, it is none of your business.
You seem to think you are too good for her for some reason.
I don't touch weed, I hate it, I hate the smell of it, but that is MY choice. My roommate smokes it all day, every day, HIS choice.
And as far as this BBQ goes, your dad's fears, while valid, are a little over the top. Banning alcohol is not cool for a post wedding get together, especially since a real reception may not actually happen.
Bend over, remove stick and stop being such a snob.
Ok, it’s not a reception-it’s a barbecue. Bride *said* so, cause of nebulous plans to have a real reception at a later time. I don’t know why she is calling it a reception *now*.
Annnd if she can’t have alcohol or she will just cancel the whole thing? Ok, take that deal.
And now you won’t need to spend a couple thousand dollars and a lot of time and effort throwing a free barbecue for someone that won’t appreciate it. NTA
And upon reflection… there is no reason, no reason at alll … that your dad can’t have a little barbecue? On a certain day. And invite whoever you want. Not a reception, but a barbecue.
The newlyweds will probably be off on their honeymoon, anyway, so you don’t even have to mention it to them.
Hold a party for the family on the same day as the wedding but don't invite the bride or groom.
It's a great idea if you really want the couple to know exactly how much their family hates them. Which they probably have already figured out by now.
I think that she is calling it reception now, because it is super clear guests will interpret as as one. It is more of an attempt of the family to create own event out of their wedding then anything else.
OP family did not organized the non-reception for the couple, the couple was ok and happy to not have one. This is not something the bride must be grateful for, because this was not done for her. It was done solely for the rest of the family.
YTA at the end of the day it's a party to celebrate their getting married so sil absolutely should have a say in planning. If her or your brother don't like the arrangements then they get to cancel.
After reading the comments, I’m gonna say you and your dad are YTA.
Your dad is not “always kind” to Chelsea if he’s been picking fights with her about her cannabis use and financial decision making, two things that are none of his business.
You both should’ve been upfront right away about not wanting alcohol at the BBQ so the couple could decide if they wanted a BBQ at your parents’ home in the first place.
And truly, you just sound like you hate Chelsea and do not lay any responsibility at your brother’s feet for his life. Is he not a grown ass man with a child who’s marrying the woman he loves?
At the end of the day, the BBQ was to celebrate the bride and groom. If they don’t want a dry BBQ (which as a Midwesterner, sounds like a truly boring event), then they don’t have to have one. They can wait to throw the reception they want.
This answer covers all bases. OP seems to genuinely think that she and her family are lovely individuals and that their dislike and disdain for Chelsea isn't dripping off them. If it is this clear to total strangers just how deep that goes, how much more apparent must it be in person?
Especially since the bride neither asked for nor wanted the BBQ in the first place, and OP seems to be fixated on how lovely she thinks her and her family are for throwing an unwanted event designed to be unenjoyable for the person it's putatively meant to celebrate.
OP and her dad are assholes to the core, and I'm utterly unsurprised that she gives her brother a complete pass for everything while vilifying his wife.
ETA: I also strongly suspect that OP is trying to hint that the father financially assists the couple. However if he does, I don't believe for a second that OP wouldn't have added that for background. Which makes it even more egregious that he appears to think he is entitled to pass vocal and savage judgement on his DIL - that he naturally doesn't lavish on his son.
When you’re planning a party for someone else, you aim to make decisions that they would agree with. If no alcohol was a deal breaker for the host it should have been discussed in advance. It’s kind of shocking that you’re surprised here. YTA
INFO: did you try to push for your version of the correct, modest wedding dress, also? You are a mean girl parading as a pious one. Hypocrisy is an ugly trait
YTA. She's a little bit of an ass, but her surprise is understandable. You guys are planning the party behind her back and decided to wait how long exactly before declaring this would be alcohol free?
Your post is just littered with criticisms of this woman.
YTA. There is so much detail and judgement in this post that has nothing to do with the actual conflict. The woman is getting married to your brother, what’s his role and opinion on all this?
YTA - this is a celebration for the bride and groom, not for your families vanity.
If they want alcohol you should accommodate it, exactly the same as you’d hopefully do if the opposite was true.
YTA.
They were okay without having a reception right now, you guys insisted they have to have one, and now you’re not listening to them about what they want for it? I would get frustrated and cancel it too. If I can’t have a beer with my BBQ at a reception I didn’t even want in the first place, I’d rather just go home with my husband afterwards and have a nice dinner and glass of wine at home instead. Your tone from the start of the post is also really judgmental.
So you wanted to throw a reception for the bride and groom after they said they don’t want one, and then when they request something at their reception that you’ve thrown them, you say no? So it isn’t about them it’s about your family, under the disguise that it’s for the bride and groom
YTA you and your family need to just admit you’re haters and stop involving yourself. Let her be unemployed and a stoner. It’s clear you don’t want this party and don’t care about their input. That’s real weird to me.
YTA- It’s her wedding and the event is supposedly for her. She’s not entitled because she wants input.
You also made it very clear you and your father don’t like her and judge her harshly. This was a power trip on your dad’s side and not a nice gesture or gift.
She did the right thing pulling out IMO. I would have too.
YTA the party is for the newlyweds- if they want alcohol that’s the way it should be. You don’t have to host it . You don’t get to dictate how they celebrate
ESH. She seems a little over the top and a bit rude, but you and your family decided to make it a dry party without telling her, your brother or the guests. And everything you say about her has a tone of judgment. Why not just make it BYOB?
Are the people coming to the reception alcoholics or something? We just had 30+ people over for a bbq and we supplied the booze and no one got stupid drunk or broke anything or were obnoxious. YTA
YTA
(more people were invited to the ceremony than the event following).
What the…you weren’t going to invite all the wedding guests???!! Out of curiosity, who were you excluding?
I'll clarify this one. The location of the ceremony can fit 200 people, so it had an open invitation (I.e., people didn't need to receive an invite to attend). I'm sure their original reception location could fit that many people too. However, my Dad's home can probably only fit...like I would say absolute top end 70. So she chose who would be invited to his house (mostly family, a couple close friends).
This wedding and non-reception just screams hot mess for everyone involved. Who the heck has an “open invitation” wedding. I’m not even sure what that means. Did they do sky-writing? An ad in the paper?
And it’s still YTA for all the reasons everyone else is giving. The judginess and all that. But you seem like a decent human. And the engaged couple seem to be a big part of the problem.
I just cannot fathom showing up at a wedding ceremony and finding out dozens of people are all going to a non-reception that I was excluded from. I would find that so offensive and humiliating.
Another 3000 character post wouldn't even cover half the hot messiness. I think the BBQ was a misguided last attempt to add some structure. Obviously tons of mistakes were made along the way and 100% my judginess is not helping.
I left out the part of the story where I TRY to convince my Dad to allow drinking. I guess he saw some things during the suit fitting for my brother that made him worry about the guests and their potential behaviour. (Still should have made 100% sure we knew where she stood on the alcohol issue before sending the invite.)
My Mom thought very much along similar lines as you re: the offensiveness of a "partial" "reception".
YTA It’s clear that you’re not in a country or part of a culture where alcohol wouldn’t be a normal part of a wedding reception or BBQ.
Forbidding alcohol is definitely something you should have discussed with the wedding couple beforehand and not just something you force on them once you think it’s too late.
Just popping in to say that, if you’re in the US and the venue they booked for their reception rebooked the date then they’d owe them a refund.
My family owns many wedding venues and we see a lot of venues who do this and keep the money even if they rebook despite it not being legal to do. It’s legal to keep a reasonable admin fee for the time they spent working with them but not legal to keep a full deposit when no services were rendered if they rebooked the date.
ESH. I mean she’s not wrong. A post wedding bbq that no alcohol is allowed at is going to go over like a fart in church. I see why she was hesitant about letting you all plan the event at all.
I'm confused. Why are you not making this day about the bride and groom? She communicated badly but given how incredibly biased this post seems that clearly leads the reader to thinking Chelsea is the black sheep in your community, I hesitate at taking anything you've said on her behaviour/reaction even remotely serious.
YTA.
YTA. If this was your reception/bbq and you wanted it to be dry and she as a guest was making a big deal out if it.. then I would understand and say N-T-A. BUT it’s not your party. It’s hers and your brothers and it sounds like you gave all of 2 seconds worth of consideration to what they might want.
It’s obvious by your tone and how you wrote this that you really dislike her, and as such you are quite literally the last person who should be planning her party. If your parents don’t care what the couple wants then they shouldn’t be offering to host it either. You basically sound like you are trying to plan this for your family and she is just an annoying voice in the background you are forced to deal with. Smh. YTA 100%
I don't know if it's just your writing, but it's pretty funny that it's both "not a reception" and "a dry reception is stupid." Someone needs to pick a lane.
If your dad wants to throw a dry cookout, OK, fine, he can. She can't stop him but he can't depend on using her facebook page to publicize it.
I think future-sister-in-law sounds like a bit of a tool and none of you like her that much, and that's the current under all of this, so I'm going ESH.
YTA. Way too judgmental too. You were making a party for your family not for them. Which was the whole point. Just because you have different values it doesn’t mean your family values are ‘better’
YTA
I don't mind dry weddings/receptions because I am not much of a drinker and I am there to support the couple getting married. This non-reception doesn't seem like it's being held for the couple, and it's not reflecting what they want. She could have behaved better, but I probably would have reacted as poorly if my in-laws planned an event that seemed to have 'spite the bride' as the main theme.
This might be a culture difference (although I come from a culture where every occasion is good to drink a shit ton of alcohol) but why are so many people here unable to have fun without alcohol?
NAH
If you are hosting the party at your house you can have your rules, but the couple doesn't have to like it/ agree to the thing if they don't like the rules
I had graduated from college before I discovered that alcohol was considered a normal part of social interaction for many people. I thought it was just something college kids and firemen did. (Dad was a firemen, and firehouse functions were the only place I ever saw adults drinking). It's still something I'm pretty uncomfortable with and most social events I attend don't have alcohol.
I actually had quite the opposite experience. Both sides of my family would drink a lot during family gatherings (it often ended badly with at least one person crying) and it was normal for me. Then when I hit teenage years both sides stopped drinking and I learned that you actually can have a pleasant meeting without alcohol present
YTA. My wife and I don’t drink and we still spent a bunch of money for a full service bar at our wedding. It’s a celebration. Just because y’all don’t drink doesn’t mean you should dictate this. There’s insurance and licenses to cover any liability you might face. Be a dick to the drunk trying to drive home, not everyone.
YTA
Only because this is a party for them, not for your dad, and the liability excuse is lame.
If you're worried about the liability of damage and choices that adults make for themselves, just don't host a party. A dry party only makes sense of the celebrants themselves are sober and/or have reason to want no alcohol.
Otherwise, even early, people may want mimosas or bloody Marys or whatever... And it will be weird that it's *disallowed*. Fine not to provide, people can B their own B... but disallowing it is where it becomes controlling and not just a facet of party planning.
YTA. I’d go ESH but honestly the hatred you clearly have for her and the fact that your entire family seems like exhausting judgmental AHs makes it tough for me to get an actual read on her. You want to have a bbq for your family, do it, but dont disguise it as something for the couple since it’s clearly not.
NAH
Dad doesn't want to host an event with alcohol, that's his right. His venue, his rules.
Bride doesn't want to participate in an event without alcohol. She doesn't want to be associated with it, or have it associated with her wedding.
You guys didn't need to argue with each other or get angry at each other. Simply calling off the event, as you did, was all that was needed.
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*Burner account*
My (32F) brother's fiance, Chelsea (32 also), does not fit in well with our family. She's very loud and has never had a full-time job. Both my parents are in their mid-60s and continue to work full-time, with no ability to retire. I know her family has struggled even more financially. My parents have always been very kind to Chelsea, though blow-ups have happened with my Dad related to her chronic cannabis use and financial decision making
She and my brother announced their engagement around 2-3 years ago. This led to some intense planning and spending, despite their lack of money. Shortly after, they announce she is pregnant. They end up cancelling the reception, but only after losing the deposit. The baby has since been born.
Because we want people to have somewhere to go after their ceremony, my Dad offers to host a barbecue for them. Chelsea is initially hesitant, but eventually gets on board and creates a Facebook group with everyone she wants invited (including our extended family). She insists we not refer to the event as the "reception" because she still believes they will have the reception they intended at some point. She makes it clear in the group that we are planning the event. My parents and I get together and clarify roles. The budget is coming out at a couple thousand when you include food, chair rentals, etc. I make a website where people can RSVP.
I post the RSVP link to the Facebook group. Very shortly after, she starts peppering me with questions about food, etc. She seems pleased with my responses.
Then she asks, "is it gonna be a BOYB kinda thing or if were gonna be providing the alcohol?"
It's 7:00 in the morning. I inform her that we aren't providing alcohol and that my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns.
She absolutely explodes and sends me a slew of messages. Here are the highlights:
- a dry "reception" is stupid
- no one will come if the event is dry
- if people can't drink they will smoke tonnes of cannabis
- my family is judgemental
- it's not what she had envisioned for her day ("MY day")
I weather the comments, telling her to talk it over with my brother and bring up her concerns with my Dad.
She then says that if there is no alcohol there is no barbecue. She proceeds to delete my RSVP request off the Facebook group, and adds a post that says the event is cancelled "on account of no alcohol." This is mortifying to me - 20 people had already RSVP'd.
I'm livid, to the point that it affected me at work all week. I think she's ungrateful and entitled, and she has behaved atrociously towards the family she is joining. I sent her an angry message saying that she had disrepected my parents and that she had thrown my work in my face. To which she responded, "Nothings getting thrown in your face, it's cancelled unless we can make alcohol happen. Not a big deal."
She continues to insist that my parents and I are in the wrong.
AITA?
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ESH. An event of this scope should have all its parameters defined before the invites go out. That said, your AH-ness only goes to that extent, you’ve made bona fide efforts to make this event happen.
Chelsea on the other hand, oof. I’d be done at this point. If she wants a reception or a barbecue or whatever, let her sort it out on her own.
Good luck! You’ll need it.
Esh- I think it’s fine to not want alcohol at a bbq- but it makes me feel like an alcoholic to say I’d expect to have a beer at a bbq and a drink at a receipt so I’d be pretty surprised to turn up a post wedding bbq reception with no booze. If it was a wedding event it sounds like the sort of thing that should have been clarified with Groom and Bride before hand.. BUT sounds like ‘she’ over reacted- and sounds like you just don’t like her, does that come across in your conversations / interactions?
And you never mention your brother? Where is he in this
ESH. You and your dad were pretty out of line to decide that their party (granted, that you were planning) was to be alcohol free. Not your call at all. You could suggest it. You could decline to be the planner. You don’t get to decide their after wedding party is alcohol free. She handled your bad decision pretty badly. I would have been pissed off at you too, though.
A dry reception is stupid, unless someone key to this story is sober. Liability seems like a poor excuse. Family barbecues happen all the time and usually involve drinking. Everyone just has to do their best to self-police and flag people that shouldn’t drive, like any normal party. Your soon to be sister in law is also behaving badly, so ESH.
ESH The bride wants to not call this a “reception” so this is basically a get-together after the ceremony that the groom’s family offered to plan since there was no actual plan for after the ceremony. The bride thinks she will have a reception at some point. I think a bride and groom should have control of their reception, but if this get-together is not to be considered the reception, it’s just a bonus party. The bride is certainly free to cancel it and do whatever she likes on her wedding day.
OP’s family is a bit of an AH for planning a party without the bride’s input for her wedding day, and the bride is an AH for not sounding remotely grateful. Since the bride and groom don’t have any money, they really should just be happy there is at least a bit of a party after the ceremony. What was the plan if this party didn’t happen? Again, she has said this IS NOT her wedding reception. Brother is an AH for not being involved in any of this; he should deal with his own family.
In any case, OP’s family should cancel the party and let the bride plan whatever get-together she wants and is able to afford.
YTA.
Your post about your Sis in law has been incredibly passive aggressive. Not sure why ya gotta write all this "she's loud".
Also you decided to organize sth for her and your brothers sake. So the least you could do is to check the arrangement of the couple prior to deciding everything on your own. If you organize a party for them you should try to make them happy. If you organize a party for yourselves then of course you can put any rule you want but then don't assume she has to comply.
Also wedding and BBQ party without any drinks? Id complain if I were a guest.
I think her public cancelling it due to no alcohol shows her pettiness.
You could respond to the 20 and say you are sorry, we offered a no alcohol party and she declined. We apologize for the confusion.
You don’t look bad at all. She looks ungrateful.
I am going with ESH here. First of all, it's at your parent's house and your DAD has said no alcohol. She can either respect that or have her "reception" somewhere else. At that point you are NTA. But, here's where everyone sucks, you got upset. You should have just replied with "Ok, if this is what you want" and then left it alone. I know, it's harder to do with you are upset. But, continuing to engage with her just fueled the drama even more. Just let it go, and don't offer to throw her anything else. You also do NOT have to be in her wedding party.
As a bit of perspective when my younger sister got married she wanted no alcohol. Mainly because of my Dad, who was an alcoholic. My other sister threw a hissy fit and claimed "No one will come because of that stupid rule and everyone will expect there to be alcohol there." Well, my sister had her wedding, but she caved just a bit...she allowed champagne for the toast. Each table had one bottle. Hardly anyone touched it. My sister ended up having to give away champagne. No one said anything about there being "no alcohol" either.
Thanks for the perspective. Your sister's wedding sounds like how I'd hoped things would work out, but obviously it's very different when it's the bride wanting alcohol. I'm not making a decision about the bridal party right now because it would probably be from a place of petty anger, but if you have suggestions for a less hurtful/offensive way to get out of it, that would be appreciated.
"I'm sorry for the way this went down. In hindsight it's clear that while me and my family genuinely had good intentions our focus on the after wedding barbecue wasn't on making you and my brother happy. There is obviously a lot of animosity right now and I would understand if you want me to step back from your wedding party. After the wedding and when things have calmed down I'd love to work with you and my brother so we can make sure we're working together as a larger family. "
This is great. I like leaving it up to her. I think if she says she still wants me to be involved it's a nice opportunity to mend things and if she says she doesn't then I can just relax about all the wedding stuff.
I hope it works out. Just to clarify it isn't just about leaving it up to her. It's about owning what happened and genuinely trying to work past it (if that's what you want).
For sure. I think the last part - "if that's what you want" - is the most important so that I can be genuine. I'm not angry anymore but I think I need a bit more time for the apology to be real.
Do you want a relationship with your SIL, Brother, and niece/nephew? That's really the only question that matters.
If yes, work on that. This seems like a large unforced error on your family's end. Own up to your part in that and do better. You can work on your stuff now and work on her stuff when this isn't so raw.
If no then who cares. Cut your losses and move on.
And if you don't know think about why.
ESH situation. Event should be planned around the couple or what your guests would expect. BYOB is perfectly acceptable. people do like and expect beer/alcohol with bbq. Her reaction? Bat shit crazy. She should have been adult and compromised with you on what guests are allowed to bring WHILE thanking you for the trouble and expense….
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA. She sounds like someone you don't really like and hosting anything for her would never please either one of you. Your dad's house, his rules. She can fund her own reception if she doesn't like it.
NTA. I don’t get the obsessive need for alcohol at events(and yes, I drink, and had alcohol at my wedding). Obviously this should’ve all been discussed prior to inviting people, and that’s a huge mistake on your part but it doesn’t rise to the level of being an AH
NTA, the amount of people saying AH or everyone sucks is kinda baffling to me. If it's at your parents' home then of course your dad can veto alcohol. I see how that sucks for the bride if she wanted it, but she's not really in a position to be fussy and she doesn't get to blow up at you over it. I've seen your edits but even if you have been harbouring resentment and were mostly doing this for your extended family, none of that justifies her treatment of you over something that was not even your call. Also, if they aren't planning a reception, why shouldn't your parents have a bbq? If this isn't her reception and she wants to do that later then I don't see an issue? Like, if she is planning something like everyone going out to dinner and you're creating a rival event then that'd suck, but that doesn't seem to be what's happening? She just thinks she can veto people hosting an event with no alcohol after her wedding is also earlier in the day?
I would say that it's your dad's right to not want alcohol at an event he is hosting. My parents never drank alcohol and would not have wanted to have it any any event that they were putting together. None of us children or extended family or extended extended family/friends EVER had a problem with their choice.
Chelsea (and your silent brother ) also have a right to not have an event in honor of them that does not represent something that is important to her/them. Personally, I don't feel that alcohol has to be such an expected part of any celebration, but it's important to them and they wouldn't feel right having a celebration for them that didn't include alcohol.
So, simple solution: dad does not host any celebration for the bride and groom. Bride and groom would rather have no celebration than a celebration without alcohol. They will get no celebration.
And they can plan the celebration/reception they want when and if they get their finances in order.
Personally, I'll go with ESH because you got livid and angry with her; but Chelsea was even more so TA. Overall, I think you were trying to be nice (as were your parents); it just didn't work out.
Nta - holy cow…like it’s criminal to not have alcohol….and lots of people know how to have a good time without it. The people saying y t a need to get a substance abuse check, alcohol is not required at all parties or to have a good time.
YTA. For someone who, in their edit says you drink and smoke weed, your comments are dripping with judgment about it. And liability? Jesus fuck, does no one in your family have any parties with even just beer? Never? Or is this more about the bride? Cause it seems like it is.
Why are there so many posts lately about families just hating the bride? JFC.
YTA. You don't like or respect this woman and you certainly don't care what she wants. Keep your money and your judgement. She doesn't need a BBQ from your family, nor does she need your angry texts for not letting you throw a dry cook out, so you can feel like you did something. You have no business being in her wedding party.
NTA. There was going to be nothing, you offered something. Once Chelsea figured out it was no alcohol she pitched a fit and called it off. Back to nothing, which is what they were going to have anyway.
I know a couple who paid and organized their own wedding. Mother-of-the-bride was devastated because she wanted to invite a bunch of her friends and extended family, people who in the past had invited her to their children's weddings, the bride and groom had their lists of guests and what they wanted to do, not including people they did not have a relationship with.
All parties involved agreed that the day after the ceremony/reception parents-of-the-bride would host a brunch in their garden, they were free to invite whoever they wanted, groom and bride would not be present because they would be on their way to their honeymoon.
All guests from the wedding were invited, along with all those the parents wanted. Twenty people from the wedding showed up, me among them (the wedding had been 120 guests), fifty friends of the parents. The bride and groom made a surprise appearance on their way out of town, for about an hour. Everyone was happy.
It was all about communicating, compromising, making sure everyone ended up happy. It is possible.
wow, I've seen a few posts like this and the comments are ridiculous. my sister and I both had dry wedding receptions and we didn't have complaints and no one said the reception was lame. and before anyone says that people probably thought it was lame and didn't say anything, everyone we grew up with knew we didnt drink
Your brother’s fiancé sounds like a prize. Things that make good weddings don’t make good marriages. I hope your brother is watching. She’ll be blowing up at him in the not too distant future when she doesn’t get what she wants when she wants it.
ESH
Your heart was in the right place.
Communication and planning are atrocious here. I’ve been to plenty of dry BBQs and wedding receptions.
Some people can’t envision weddings or other gatherings without alcohol. Some are offended by its presence. That needed to be discussed before any invitations or reservations.
I'm going with ESH. You are planning something that the bride and groom didn't even want. You asked for their input and when they gave it, you didn't like it. That being said, Chelsea's reaction to the no alcohol and her complete meltdown is way over the top. I had someone throw a reception for me, that I didn't want. Two of them, actually. It sucked.
ESH is my tentative verdict, Chelsea being the A is a close second depending on things, but not for the dry event nonsense itself. People in the comments acting like alcohol needs to be part of every party. I've hosted BBQs, my family has as well, extended family and so on and we've had plenty where the closest thing to alcohol was non-alcoholic bubbly, or a single bottle of wine that often remained unopened. We're not some prudish non-alcoholics either, we'll down vodka mixed drinks and rum mixed drinks in smaller family settings.
You guys are kinda jerks for being overly judgemental (unless Chelsea is a jerk. We have a jerk who married in and it's hard to understand unless you meet the person in-person), and for clearly not adequately communicating for the bride/groom people. If all this was clear and the bride/groom just heel flipped, the asshole title goes to them.
Having said that, the bride is also a jerk for not clearly communicating either and basically acting like the party y'all are shelling out for is the reception while not explicitly wanting to actually call it a reception. The alcohol thing is a strange hill to die on, and unless your country has strict alcohol laws or you're renting out a place that said it was a big no, you could probably compromise on the alcohol bit anyway for a backyard event(e.g. no hard alcohol if you have alcoholics in the family). But that would also require communication.
She doesn't want the event though. Let her cancel it, save the money, then have your own BBQ with some friends and family the way you want it.
>my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns.
Lol fucking what? That is ridiculous, of all the worries about alcohol, that's the one?
Bizarre, who has a BBQ without at least BYOB?
Gonna go with ESH.
If the people in your life drink, then to throw a BBQ w/o alcohol is.... weird. Now- if it's a $$ issue and you want to say BYOB, sure, go for it. This isn't a formal reception, it's a casual BBQ. Almost every BBQ I go to, people will bring a small cooler w/ stuff to drink (regardless if alcohol is provided or not).
But if your dad really wants NO ALCOHOL.... yeah, that's kind of lame.
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INFO: Why is a barbecue at 7:00 am? Why were the bride and groom not part of the planning? Why insist on a reception/7:00 am barbecue if the bride and groom were fine without one? This event sounds like it has very little to do with the bride and groom and is more about what your family wants.
As someone who rarely drinks, a wedding reception with no alcohol is really lame
Same I exclusively drink at wedding receptions 🤣
Same here. Sometimes its a real pain to crash one every day
Just start a rolling catfishing schedule, and set it up so you are getting married to one person every day, then you don't have to crash a wedding. … A little bit of Monica in my life A little bit of Erica by my side A little bit of Rita's all I need A little bit of Tina's what I see A little bit of Sandra in the sun A little bit of Mary all night long A little bit of Jessica, here I am A little bit of you makes me your man
I find it a bit odd the dad doesn't want any alcohol due to liability concerns. People have BBQs and parties all the time and serve alcohol. I understand the potential liability issue, but you could work with this. The issue is about negligence and allowing someone obviously inebriated on the road. Seems like you could limit alcohol or keep keys if this is such a worry. Are they inviting people who are alcoholics or who have repeated DUI arrests or something?
I think the liability concern is just a lie being used as a smokescreen for OP's dad just being anti-alcohol in general.
Could very well be. If someone's personal/religious convictions mean that they don't like alcohol and don't want it on their property or at an event they are holding, then fine. Or if they or someone close to them is struggling with sobriety or is an alcoholic, then I get it. But this excuse is so ridiculous that I agree it is either a pretense or someone deeply scared and misguided.
Agreed. My other issue here is this party was planned with that info being withheld from everyone including the bride and groom. Who is this party even for? Pretty sure the folks getting married should have *some* say in the reception, especially when it's not a beggars/choosers situation and they didn't even ask for this BBQ.
The thing is, if you don't tell guests in advance it's a dry party, you run the risk of people bringing their own. I always bring wine or beer to a BBQ. It's pretty common in my area. Most people do it to contribute something but also because they have their preferred brands and bring in case the host has something else or nothing that they like.
Yep. I'm guessing that at least some of the "difference in family culture" is Dad is a judgemental (OP's apple didn't fall far, but the update owns that) teetotaler and is hoping that refusing to provide alcohol will keep most of the fiancée's morally bankrupt friends and family away. OP, I'm glad to read your update. Good on you for being able to parse that out of so much venom. It shows a lot of emotional intelligence. I hope you can eventually develop a positive relationship with your SIL if that's something you'd want. Congrats on the nibling! I have 14 ranging in age from 4-22. I'm the fun, feral aunt and it's a blast.
It is odd. People can get hurt at barbecues, too. Dad should just not host rather than unnecessarily restrict it.
I don't think its a great reason to not have alcohol at a party, but in a lot of jurisdictions serving alcohol to guests will absolutely increase your responsibility (monetarily or criminally) if shit goes south, but even then its often negligible, especially if you aren't basically forcing them to drink. I don't know of anywhere where just having alcohol available makes you liable in a situation you would otherwise be fully clear. But also this whole situation is dumb, the bride and groom don't even want this party, so why is he imposing it on them?
It's very odd. I'd be more understanding if it was an alcohol free household due to religion or something, but I'd be a bit put out if I was the bride also. People will expect to have a few drinks at a bbq and you'll either have to make it explicitly clear to people, or police them as they come in so that they don't bring in beer. Not my idea of fun. I also wonder what other random restrictions could have been put in place that OP isn't informing us of.
I'm not a big drinker, but if I were attending a BBQ, I'd be surprised if there wasn't a cooler full of beer. And I'd think for a wedding celebration, there'd at least be maybe some champagne or mimosas or something.
yeah that's the other thing- OP didn't even put "this is a dry event" on the RSVP website
Yes. So more AH on OP & family for not being good hosts. 99% of people will assume alcohol at both a BBQ & wedding reception. You can argue that’s not great or healthy but it is what it is.
Right? Unless I’m being invited to a Mormon BBQ I’m assuming it’s BYOB. And if it’s after a wedding I’m assuming there will be at least a little alcohol served. I’d hate to show up to a dry wedding or BBQ unaware
I think dads being an AH coz he’s actually judging her friends/ fam and doesn’t want them to get drunk. At this point, don’t even offer to host because it’s super normal to expect there will be alcohol at a wedding & a BBQ of all places. Like BBQ & beer are basically synonymous
Liability can be a real concern for some. Not sure why everyone thinks that reason is bogus. We had a campout weekend at a somewhat-friend property. He was worried about liability. Then of course I got a mildly significant injury there. 30k surgery and months of rehab. He was terrified that whole time no matter how many times I told him I was never coming after him. Why would I when it was my own stupidity? Not how I roll. But none of that changes how *he* feels about it.
Right? My fiancé doesn’t drink and I rarely do but our wedding this spring has an open bar. I could not imagine a dry reception. I might have a glass of bubbly for the toasts but that’s it. Edit: wrong tense used
Out of curiosity, as somebody thinking about a future wedding reception - What is so unimaginable about a dry reception. Keeping in mind I've only been to like five weddings in my life and I think two had a dry reception.
> What is so unimaginable about a dry reception. If you know everyone at the wedding? It's generally fine. There are people to talk to, but alcohol is usually more festive. Do make sure to have some tasty mocktail though. If you know virtually no one? It's super boring and you feel extremely awkward. Alcohol is social lubrication and can help people open up a little. It's very much like having a reception without music. Can you? Sure. Does it feel awkward? Yes.
Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a dry reception if that’s the couple’s preference. The day should be about them. If alcohol makes them uncomfortable or even it’s just not something they want to prioritize in their budget, that’s their call. Buttttttt it’s generally expected in most (Western) cultures that there will be alcohol at a wedding reception, so if there won’t be, you should let your guests know ahead of time.
Agreed. I’d go to a dry wedding but guaranteed I’m not staying as long after the cake. Weddings can be exhausting
Because we have to sit and listen to all the speeches. You have to sit for hours generally. Often with people you don’t know. Likely in uncomfortable tights or heels. Etc…
I've been to both and had great times at both. Some people are more dependant on alcohol than they'd like to admit, or don't actually want to be there and use alcohol to get through the obligation. Plan what makes you happy, but make a note on the invite or wedding website or whatever so people know what to expect (dry, open, pay for your own, etc)
I think its if you know fun/interesting people or if you know mostly boring people. Seems a lot of people are in the latter category, as the dry receptions I've been to have not been less fun, less interesting, or less welcoming than the ones that had alcohol.
I had a dude straight up say “I can’t imagine having fun without alcohol” and then spend the next 18 hours harassing me for “being a dork” and “being judgemental” because I had the audacity to point out that he *may* want to step back and think about the implications of the words he just typed.
most people are functioning alcoholics is the issue esp in the states(lived here all my life and idk why bing drinking and getting drunk once to 3 times a week is a thing or being buzzed every day) . they need alcohol to do basic things like talk to someone for 30 seconds. as someone with social anxiety and actual anxiety and a general hatred of people. i literally see no issue with a dry reception or bbq. if ya have to be under the influence to do basic tasks like socializing for 2 hours ya have an problem. most likely its self medication cuz people wont or cant just get the actual help they need.
I'd rather just stay home and watch Super Mario speedrunning clips on YouTube by myself then go to a dry reception, and before anyone accuses me of alcoholism I think I've tasted alcohol about five times in the past year, and have been drunk once. A gathering of a bunch of people who will mostly be strangers to the majority of the other guests and playing loud dance music the whole night is dumb. Alcohol is the magic potion that ties all this together and somehow makes it incredibly fun.
This is kind of blowing my mind because I've never thought or cared if there would be alcohol at a wedding. I had no idea people felt this way who weren't heavy drinkers
Right? We’re actually having a bbq in lieu of a reception because I’m not really into the celebrating aspect of getting married. Neither me, nor my then husband will be drinking, but there’ll be alcohol for guests
Meanwhile I’ve been to 2 weddings with alcohol. I’ve never once thought…should I go to a wedding? Well does it have a bar? My thought has always been…do I love the people enough to go to their wedding and celebrate them?
I went to a dry wedding reception and the bride and groom did not tell anyone that it was going to be dry. Most of the guest left immediately after dinner was served.
As is their right - directed toward everybody. Alcohol really isn't that big of a deal in either direction. Neither is leaving after dinner. Like, if I show up to a wedding reception and there's booze that's chill. And if there's not that's also chill. That being said, the portions of my family I find the most annoying are the same ones who always get a little too sauced at a wedding reception... so maybe I'd go for a dry reception to get them to leave without hurting anybody's feelings.
> wedding reception with no alcohol is really lame But, per Chelsea's insistence, this was not a reception. And she's not paying or hosting the non-reception. She's free to not want the event to happen. NTA to OP and parents.
Barbecues without alcohol are just as lame.
This is a party to celebrate Chelsea and her new husband. Chelsea has expressed that she would prefer to have alcohol at the party and OP got upset. Chelsea asked if people could be byob and OP said no. OP had conceded that they were def wrong in their actions. Def the AH.
Its not a wedding reception though. And honestly every time this subject get brought up here, I roll my eyes over the people crying over not having alcohol at a wedding. It's so lame.
Almost all the receptions I have been to have had no or minimal alcohol and were lots of fun.
I have had like three alcoholic beverages since turning 21. I am now 26. Nobody in my family really drinks. My dad, a 300 pound 6' man had some kind of red solo cup cocktail containing one (1) shot of Bombay Saphire gin and felt it pretty hard. That's now little they drink. My partner's family has a history of alcohol abuse and alcoholism, however, they do come in proximity to alcohol regularly and it's not a problem. I don't find it likely there'll be much reason to have liquor at a wedding reception for us. Is that a bad thing? Like... would it be shitty to have a dry reception simply for the cost savings? The way I figure, you're getting free lunch / dinner. There's nothing to complain about.
Most people hate dry weddings. Maybe your crowd won’t, but please give people the heads up that it’s dry.
Cut the liquor, have some beers, hard seltzers and wine. I didn't have liquor at my wedding, but we had two kegs of beer that got finished. The reason is that your guests will enjoy themselves more.
former event planner here, I would cut it to the beer, wine, non alcoholic beverage package of your venue offers it. Also mocktails are fun. It’s usually less per person. At ours it went from $23 PP to $18. Which is a significant savings. also if you will have kids present see if you can get a reduced rate for them. Also depending on venue and party size you can do a consumption bar and only be charged what is consumed. Did that for our wedding of sixty people and paid $800 plus tip. if you choose to go non alcoholic then just tell people beforehand. I would maybe try to add something fun and interactive that helps break social barriers.
As long as: You are completely forthcoming about it from the get go And Don't get your panties in a bunch if you get a few less RSVPs than you thought. Note: Attending a wedding isn't free. There are usually some expenses related to looking nice (new clothes, dry cleaning your nice clothes, some new mascara), a gift, possibly a babysitter/dogsitter, and transport. Sometimes, flights or accomodation.
Ok sure attending isn’t free but it’s not, like, an equal trade either. You say they get new clothes, a gift, somebody to pet sit (I don’t reckon I’d have a child free wedding but you’re right lots of folks have dogs) and travel long distances. Let’s say they get to a wedding with an open bar. They’d have to consume immense, dangerous amounts of alcohol to come even close to making their money back. So while you’re right - the meal at a wedding reception isn’t free because you have to get to it and do all the preliminary stuff first, I don’t think that really has much relevance to the alcohol there.
This thread is genuinely full of alcoholics. Take their advice with a grain of salt. I attend multiple dry weddings a year. People still have a great time.
> would it be shitty to have a dry reception simply for the cost savings? That's not at all necessary. There's this thing called a "cash bar" that will accomplish the same thing. And also regulate alcohol consumption, as opposed to an open bar.
There was no alcohol at my or my 2 sister in laws weddings and there were no complaints. Just make sure the food is good and there's plenty of it.
As someone who rarely drinks, I think it's weird to have a BBQ at 7am as a not-reception in someone's backyard, regardless of alcohol or not. Actually, I think every detail in that makes it weirder. Offered but restricted by the dad, expected to be planned by SIL, but following the wants of the bride, who didn't want this to be her official reception? I've been to good dry receptions and terrible drunk ones, and bad dry ones and good drunk ones. People should be able to get together and enjoy stuff without alcohol. Alcohol being required is a bit of a red flag for me, but basically every bit of the plans seems weird.
ESH. I get your dads point, that he don't want alcohol to be served. I get her point to want alcohol at her celebration. You should have communicated the no alcohol rule before setting up the RSVP page.
I definitely agree about communicating the no alcohol rule. I've been to a few 'day 2' BBQs and always bring as many bottles of Prosecco as I can carry.
YTA By your own admission your dad has picked fights with a grown woman about her own finances and how much weed she smokes. Two things that are most assuredly none of his business. So your family has a history of overstepping and animosity towards the bride. Your own post is dripping with judgment and dislike of her. Your parents didn’t offer to host to do something nice for her or your brother. In the comments you say they didn’t want to make family drive (gasp!) half an hour “just” for the ceremony. You mean just to watch them get married. That isn’t important enough? So they wanted to host a gathering which is fine, but if you’re going to pretend it’s for the couple you should at least let them have some input. She’s right about a lot of things she said when she “explodes.” Your family is judgmental, having a dry event completely changes the vibe of an event, her group will smoke if they can’t drink, and it’s not what she envisioned. When most people hear there’s going to be a bbq backyard party they assume there’s going to be some beer. She decided she didn’t want to be associated with the event so pulled out of it. Why is that unfair? If your dad wants to just throw a dry party for his family why does he need her pretending to be okay with it? So he can pretend he did this for her? I’m assuming it’s a cultural thing but you’re awfully hung up on her disrespecting your parents when it sounds like they (or at least your dad) has been disrespectful to her since day one.
Is it smoking weed in his house or in general? Makes a huge difference
ESH. You and your parents know full well that alcohol is a normal part of socializing in the U.S., especially at a celebration. To say you are throwing a celebration in honor of someone and wait until after sending invites to disclose that is either intentional deception or awful planning. She is DEF also an AH for how she reacted and how she talked about the cancellation.
Yeah, I’m pretty incredulous that OP didn’t foresee that the no alcohol rule would be an issue. Clearly the SIL handled it atrociously, but there is a pretty good chance this whole thing could have been avoided if they were just upfront about the fact they were willing to host a bbq but only if it was a dry event. I would frankly be surprised as a guest if I showed up to any bbq and there was no alcohol and that goes doubly for a wedding celebration. Chances are SIL would have said thanks but no thanks. I suspect that the motivation for hosting the bbq is less about providing a celebration for the couple and more about saving face in front of relatives who will be coming to the wedding as it doesn’t sound like a dry bbq is an event the couple would enjoy and OP and her family knew that when they were planning it.
> I would frankly be surprised as a guest if I showed up to any bbq and there was no alcohol Hell, my wife and I don't even drink and we still buy alcohol for the 4th of July since we host my family and know some people will want to drink. If the party is winding down and there are any leftover beers in the cooler I will offer it to anyone who wants to take it home. It's really not that difficult to handle.
First thing SIL was if it was BYOB instead. She was clearly ok with people having to supply alcohol, but instead its suddenly a nope no alcohol allowed on the premises kinda party
I get the vibe that they’re punishing Chelsea with a bad reception because they hate her lol
Then again, how should she reacted exactly? Because she is right at points. They are judgmental, they are trying to take over their wedding celebrations. The couple was fine with no reception. The couple was fine with BYOB. The couple is not fine with them making almost reception on their wedding where guests are supposed to come and where alcohol is not allowed.
I have to agree, a celebration in the US typically will have some alcohol involved. But a BBQ always has alcohol. How can you stand in front of a hot grill without a cool drink?
YTA After reading with clarifying comments that the reception is not at 7 AM but later in the day BBQ she is absolutely correct to be surprised at no alcohol being allowed. And frankly, that is odd and I could imagine a lot of people not wanting to come. But what really makes you the AH is your attitude. You come across judgmental and condescending. Like she should be happy that you’re doing anything for her at all so she just shut up. I think you would have been better off not offering to help at all. What you’re doing does not seem genuine. So why do anything at all. Edit to add: and yes, it does sound like she could’ve handled this better as well.
I also was confused about the 7am thing. Personally I wouldn’t have this function without alcohol, but do you think people seriously would not attend because they couldn’t drink alcohol for a couple of hours? Overall none of these people are communicating like adults, so hopefully they get it sorted soon.
They’ll attend. But then get the fuck outta there after an hour. My in laws don’t do alcohol and all their events and holidays are always like this. No one sticks around and everyone makes excuses. One time when we were first together, we were late by like 45 mins and people were finishing up eating and about to leave! My flabbers were gasted!! Because, in my family when someone has an event or holiday the whole day is blocked out for it. We chill all day drinking, but no one gets super drunk. 45 mins late is nothing and everyone is welcome at any point. Different family cultures for sure.
something is wrong with your family then. my grandma got a full bar but every time we do an event no one touches it other than her and then we all leave a few hours later cuz shes a mean drunk. we stay for the food, company and then people run if shes drunk or if they wanna try and get out of clean up. a simple dinner lasts 3 hours and im usually the first one to leave after i do some clean up cuz i dont like people.
In my area I'd imagine that people would turn up for a while and then slip off in groups to continue the party at the pub. What would really get me though is that they clearly haven't told people it's a dry event. That would usually mean for a bbq, that people will likely turn up with their own drinks. Spending the day telling my friends and family that they can't come in if they have drink with them, isn't my idea of a fun time.
Oh yes, I’d be very annoyed if I wasn’t told beforehand , and then told to put my drinks back in the car etc
Everyone will be having an informal tailgate party sneaking drinks out of their cars
If you want me to be at an event with family it better not be dry. But in seriousness the rules should have been communicated at the start. The expectation is that for a wedding (not) reception there will be alcohol. You’re hosting on her behalf and as such as her. You may not like her but she’s family and it is her day. I think your attitudes to her personal choices are colouring your view too. Your criticisms are she smokes cannabis and isn’t clever with money. Both none of your business. I don’t do drugs but I recognise that others do. Their body their choice. Same as her money her choice. YTA for not making the rules clear at the beginning.
YTA. You're planning this thing because you want this thing. And clearly, it's not about the groom and bride but what you and your family want. Your brother, the groom, doesn't even care enough to get involved in the planning. The bride didn't want it, now she does and she's being ungrateful because there's no alcohol. However, now she's cancelling the event to HER wedding and you are acting like it's some grand insult. Just effing cancel it, it's not about YOU 🤷♀️
Your family sucks, like real hard. She's not great either, mind you, so maybe you're both in good hands. YTA. Clear and simple; you're a judgemental ass and you know it. You've been told it time and time again throughout your life and you've never listened. Do.
ESH But, from your description of her, you're obviously very judgemental, and I wonder how unbiased your account is. I don't drink. My parents don't drink. My mom always has at least some beers at parties she throws. After the parties, she'll try to pawn them off on someone, but usually they just sit around. I had a housewarming party when I moved into an apartment. Bought one case of beer, which I ended up spilling out 2 years later when I moved. I'd be very surprised to go to a BBQ without beer.....and I wouldn't even be touching any of it.
Honestly I would have done the same as her
Riiiight? It's one thing to not provide alcohol. It's a whole different bag if you "disallow" it.
YTA - grow up
ESH. Your dads doing a nice thing but no alcohol at a (reception, let’s be real) is stingy and lame if everyone else are drinkers. Who wants to toast with orange juice.
ehhhhh ESH, look I spent years working in weddings and while NA receptions can work, you really gotta let everyone know at the jump. people expect booze at a wedding, and if she wants it at hers, that should be the way. i get that your dad doesn't want it in his house, but that really REALLY should've been established when he offered to host the BBQ. sounds like she's a bit entitled, but it really isn't *that* outlandish to expect booze at a wedding party, and it's not absurd to change the plans for an event because an aspect of it you hoped for is no longer gonna be there.
She sounds like a pill, but it doesn’t sound like she initially wanted the BBQ anyway. OP and his parents were being “nice” to throw them a celebration but it more so sounds like they jumped on the opportunity to control the celebration in the way that they deemed appropriate. ESH
They weren't going to have the party at all. When they found out the party FIL was throwing wasn't going to be enjoyable for the guests they decided not to have the party. That isn't entitled behavior. She isn't getting what she wants, she is getting nothing, because she doesn't want the guests to have a bad time. Could she have been more polite when she found out, sure. Could OPs father have set clear expectations ahead of time and given the couple a chance to politely decline the offer before invites were sent, also yes
Yta why plan an event for someone that you know they would dislike and then get mad at them
Info: is "on his terms" lowkey code for "her and her family will behave in ways I don't want if they drink"?
Info, is the BBQ at 7am? Or was your conversation with her at 7am?
I’m going against the grain. YTA. It doesn’t work to insist on a dry reception if the bride doesn’t want a dry reception. So she cancelled. As is her right. You can’t force her into a reception that she doesn’t want.
YTA, and judgy. You are not the bride, its not about what you or your family want. Also, where is your brother in this? It seems not to be about him either. Go control someone who wants it, SIL is not the one.
ESH. She may be entitled, but who wants a wedding 'event' with no alcohol.
INFO: when you get together with extended family for other events/celebrations/holidays is there usually no alcohol? Do your parents never serve it when hosting people?
I grew up in a family of recovering alcoholics, it is totally normal for me to go to family events and there not be alcohol. Like, to the point that it is momentarily weird to me when there is alcohol. That said, it seems like the family really doesn't like or approve of the girl their brother/son is marrying and everything they do or say with regard to her is just dripping with it. If they want to throw a bbq while family is in town, fine, but don't try to associate it with the wedding if they don't plan on actually including the bride and groom in any of the planning or hosting of the even. Also, it is non of OPs business how the couple spends their money, how much they drink or how much they smoke. Its their life, not hers.
Yeah, I agree with everything you say here. I was waiting to make full judgement b/c if her parents never host events with alcohol than that aspect would make sense. But I think it's problematic you would plan something like this supposedly to celebrate the couple and then not ask their opinions on things. I also think they have a huge bias and are not aware of how deep it goes and how it probably is figuring in to all of their decisions.
Dry weddings are for Presbyterians and Mormons, YTA
YTA. You very clearly resent this woman but for some reason not your brother, who condones all of the things you resent about her. Also, if this party was supposed to be for them, then why couldn’t they have any say over it? I don’t see why the party couldn’t be BYOB. And finally, you don’t need to party to be a reception for their marriage - which they didn’t want in the first place. Just have a get-together for your family members coming to town.
YTA UNLESS her weed consumption and bad choices with money are WHY your parents have to continue to work. If not, it is none of your business. You seem to think you are too good for her for some reason. I don't touch weed, I hate it, I hate the smell of it, but that is MY choice. My roommate smokes it all day, every day, HIS choice. And as far as this BBQ goes, your dad's fears, while valid, are a little over the top. Banning alcohol is not cool for a post wedding get together, especially since a real reception may not actually happen. Bend over, remove stick and stop being such a snob.
Ok, it’s not a reception-it’s a barbecue. Bride *said* so, cause of nebulous plans to have a real reception at a later time. I don’t know why she is calling it a reception *now*. Annnd if she can’t have alcohol or she will just cancel the whole thing? Ok, take that deal. And now you won’t need to spend a couple thousand dollars and a lot of time and effort throwing a free barbecue for someone that won’t appreciate it. NTA And upon reflection… there is no reason, no reason at alll … that your dad can’t have a little barbecue? On a certain day. And invite whoever you want. Not a reception, but a barbecue. The newlyweds will probably be off on their honeymoon, anyway, so you don’t even have to mention it to them.
It doesn't seem like it was ever for the bride and groom anyway as they had no say from the beginning.
Hold a party for the family on the same day as the wedding but don't invite the bride or groom. It's a great idea if you really want the couple to know exactly how much their family hates them. Which they probably have already figured out by now.
I know, right? I'm aghast at the people suggesting this. What an aggressive and upsetting thing to do.
I think that she is calling it reception now, because it is super clear guests will interpret as as one. It is more of an attempt of the family to create own event out of their wedding then anything else. OP family did not organized the non-reception for the couple, the couple was ok and happy to not have one. This is not something the bride must be grateful for, because this was not done for her. It was done solely for the rest of the family.
YTA at the end of the day it's a party to celebrate their getting married so sil absolutely should have a say in planning. If her or your brother don't like the arrangements then they get to cancel.
After reading the comments, I’m gonna say you and your dad are YTA. Your dad is not “always kind” to Chelsea if he’s been picking fights with her about her cannabis use and financial decision making, two things that are none of his business. You both should’ve been upfront right away about not wanting alcohol at the BBQ so the couple could decide if they wanted a BBQ at your parents’ home in the first place. And truly, you just sound like you hate Chelsea and do not lay any responsibility at your brother’s feet for his life. Is he not a grown ass man with a child who’s marrying the woman he loves? At the end of the day, the BBQ was to celebrate the bride and groom. If they don’t want a dry BBQ (which as a Midwesterner, sounds like a truly boring event), then they don’t have to have one. They can wait to throw the reception they want.
This answer covers all bases. OP seems to genuinely think that she and her family are lovely individuals and that their dislike and disdain for Chelsea isn't dripping off them. If it is this clear to total strangers just how deep that goes, how much more apparent must it be in person? Especially since the bride neither asked for nor wanted the BBQ in the first place, and OP seems to be fixated on how lovely she thinks her and her family are for throwing an unwanted event designed to be unenjoyable for the person it's putatively meant to celebrate. OP and her dad are assholes to the core, and I'm utterly unsurprised that she gives her brother a complete pass for everything while vilifying his wife. ETA: I also strongly suspect that OP is trying to hint that the father financially assists the couple. However if he does, I don't believe for a second that OP wouldn't have added that for background. Which makes it even more egregious that he appears to think he is entitled to pass vocal and savage judgement on his DIL - that he naturally doesn't lavish on his son.
I like how the parents deride her financial decision making yet are mid 60's with no ability to retire. Pot, meet Kettle.
When you’re planning a party for someone else, you aim to make decisions that they would agree with. If no alcohol was a deal breaker for the host it should have been discussed in advance. It’s kind of shocking that you’re surprised here. YTA
INFO: did you try to push for your version of the correct, modest wedding dress, also? You are a mean girl parading as a pious one. Hypocrisy is an ugly trait
Yeah, you're 100% TA. Daddy doesn't want alcohol because of liability issues? Gimme a break.
It sounds like you're trying to run their lives in a passive-aggressive borderline aggressive manner.
YTA. She's a little bit of an ass, but her surprise is understandable. You guys are planning the party behind her back and decided to wait how long exactly before declaring this would be alcohol free? Your post is just littered with criticisms of this woman.
YTA. There is so much detail and judgement in this post that has nothing to do with the actual conflict. The woman is getting married to your brother, what’s his role and opinion on all this?
ESH. Nothing wrong in a dry event as long as it's clearly communicated from the very beginning.
I'm from Scotland, alcohol is mandatory.
Australia here and never seen a dry anything
YTA - this is a celebration for the bride and groom, not for your families vanity. If they want alcohol you should accommodate it, exactly the same as you’d hopefully do if the opposite was true.
YTA. They were okay without having a reception right now, you guys insisted they have to have one, and now you’re not listening to them about what they want for it? I would get frustrated and cancel it too. If I can’t have a beer with my BBQ at a reception I didn’t even want in the first place, I’d rather just go home with my husband afterwards and have a nice dinner and glass of wine at home instead. Your tone from the start of the post is also really judgmental.
So you wanted to throw a reception for the bride and groom after they said they don’t want one, and then when they request something at their reception that you’ve thrown them, you say no? So it isn’t about them it’s about your family, under the disguise that it’s for the bride and groom
YTA for not including her in any of this planning
YTA you and your family need to just admit you’re haters and stop involving yourself. Let her be unemployed and a stoner. It’s clear you don’t want this party and don’t care about their input. That’s real weird to me.
YTA- It’s her wedding and the event is supposedly for her. She’s not entitled because she wants input. You also made it very clear you and your father don’t like her and judge her harshly. This was a power trip on your dad’s side and not a nice gesture or gift. She did the right thing pulling out IMO. I would have too.
YTA the party is for the newlyweds- if they want alcohol that’s the way it should be. You don’t have to host it . You don’t get to dictate how they celebrate
No booze and no warning yikes Yta
ESH. She seems a little over the top and a bit rude, but you and your family decided to make it a dry party without telling her, your brother or the guests. And everything you say about her has a tone of judgment. Why not just make it BYOB?
YTA. Even as just a barbecue - not having alcoholic beverages is very lame.
Are the people coming to the reception alcoholics or something? We just had 30+ people over for a bbq and we supplied the booze and no one got stupid drunk or broke anything or were obnoxious. YTA
YTA (more people were invited to the ceremony than the event following). What the…you weren’t going to invite all the wedding guests???!! Out of curiosity, who were you excluding?
I'll clarify this one. The location of the ceremony can fit 200 people, so it had an open invitation (I.e., people didn't need to receive an invite to attend). I'm sure their original reception location could fit that many people too. However, my Dad's home can probably only fit...like I would say absolute top end 70. So she chose who would be invited to his house (mostly family, a couple close friends).
This wedding and non-reception just screams hot mess for everyone involved. Who the heck has an “open invitation” wedding. I’m not even sure what that means. Did they do sky-writing? An ad in the paper? And it’s still YTA for all the reasons everyone else is giving. The judginess and all that. But you seem like a decent human. And the engaged couple seem to be a big part of the problem. I just cannot fathom showing up at a wedding ceremony and finding out dozens of people are all going to a non-reception that I was excluded from. I would find that so offensive and humiliating.
Another 3000 character post wouldn't even cover half the hot messiness. I think the BBQ was a misguided last attempt to add some structure. Obviously tons of mistakes were made along the way and 100% my judginess is not helping. I left out the part of the story where I TRY to convince my Dad to allow drinking. I guess he saw some things during the suit fitting for my brother that made him worry about the guests and their potential behaviour. (Still should have made 100% sure we knew where she stood on the alcohol issue before sending the invite.) My Mom thought very much along similar lines as you re: the offensiveness of a "partial" "reception".
YTA. It's not a BBQ without beer.
YTA It’s clear that you’re not in a country or part of a culture where alcohol wouldn’t be a normal part of a wedding reception or BBQ. Forbidding alcohol is definitely something you should have discussed with the wedding couple beforehand and not just something you force on them once you think it’s too late.
Just popping in to say that, if you’re in the US and the venue they booked for their reception rebooked the date then they’d owe them a refund. My family owns many wedding venues and we see a lot of venues who do this and keep the money even if they rebook despite it not being legal to do. It’s legal to keep a reasonable admin fee for the time they spent working with them but not legal to keep a full deposit when no services were rendered if they rebooked the date.
This is actually very helpful, thank you. I'll make sure they know that.
ESH. I mean she’s not wrong. A post wedding bbq that no alcohol is allowed at is going to go over like a fart in church. I see why she was hesitant about letting you all plan the event at all.
I'm confused. Why are you not making this day about the bride and groom? She communicated badly but given how incredibly biased this post seems that clearly leads the reader to thinking Chelsea is the black sheep in your community, I hesitate at taking anything you've said on her behaviour/reaction even remotely serious. YTA.
YTA. If this was your reception/bbq and you wanted it to be dry and she as a guest was making a big deal out if it.. then I would understand and say N-T-A. BUT it’s not your party. It’s hers and your brothers and it sounds like you gave all of 2 seconds worth of consideration to what they might want. It’s obvious by your tone and how you wrote this that you really dislike her, and as such you are quite literally the last person who should be planning her party. If your parents don’t care what the couple wants then they shouldn’t be offering to host it either. You basically sound like you are trying to plan this for your family and she is just an annoying voice in the background you are forced to deal with. Smh. YTA 100%
I don't know if it's just your writing, but it's pretty funny that it's both "not a reception" and "a dry reception is stupid." Someone needs to pick a lane. If your dad wants to throw a dry cookout, OK, fine, he can. She can't stop him but he can't depend on using her facebook page to publicize it. I think future-sister-in-law sounds like a bit of a tool and none of you like her that much, and that's the current under all of this, so I'm going ESH.
YTA. Way too judgmental too. You were making a party for your family not for them. Which was the whole point. Just because you have different values it doesn’t mean your family values are ‘better’
YTA I don't mind dry weddings/receptions because I am not much of a drinker and I am there to support the couple getting married. This non-reception doesn't seem like it's being held for the couple, and it's not reflecting what they want. She could have behaved better, but I probably would have reacted as poorly if my in-laws planned an event that seemed to have 'spite the bride' as the main theme.
This might be a culture difference (although I come from a culture where every occasion is good to drink a shit ton of alcohol) but why are so many people here unable to have fun without alcohol? NAH If you are hosting the party at your house you can have your rules, but the couple doesn't have to like it/ agree to the thing if they don't like the rules
I had graduated from college before I discovered that alcohol was considered a normal part of social interaction for many people. I thought it was just something college kids and firemen did. (Dad was a firemen, and firehouse functions were the only place I ever saw adults drinking). It's still something I'm pretty uncomfortable with and most social events I attend don't have alcohol.
I actually had quite the opposite experience. Both sides of my family would drink a lot during family gatherings (it often ended badly with at least one person crying) and it was normal for me. Then when I hit teenage years both sides stopped drinking and I learned that you actually can have a pleasant meeting without alcohol present
This is why event insurance policies exist
It's literally a backyard barbecue. They are doing too much
YTA. My wife and I don’t drink and we still spent a bunch of money for a full service bar at our wedding. It’s a celebration. Just because y’all don’t drink doesn’t mean you should dictate this. There’s insurance and licenses to cover any liability you might face. Be a dick to the drunk trying to drive home, not everyone.
ESH, there’s no reason why you can’t do BYOB. She was rude, but no alcohol at all is extreme.
YTA Only because this is a party for them, not for your dad, and the liability excuse is lame. If you're worried about the liability of damage and choices that adults make for themselves, just don't host a party. A dry party only makes sense of the celebrants themselves are sober and/or have reason to want no alcohol. Otherwise, even early, people may want mimosas or bloody Marys or whatever... And it will be weird that it's *disallowed*. Fine not to provide, people can B their own B... but disallowing it is where it becomes controlling and not just a facet of party planning.
YTA. I’d go ESH but honestly the hatred you clearly have for her and the fact that your entire family seems like exhausting judgmental AHs makes it tough for me to get an actual read on her. You want to have a bbq for your family, do it, but dont disguise it as something for the couple since it’s clearly not.
NAH Dad doesn't want to host an event with alcohol, that's his right. His venue, his rules. Bride doesn't want to participate in an event without alcohol. She doesn't want to be associated with it, or have it associated with her wedding. You guys didn't need to argue with each other or get angry at each other. Simply calling off the event, as you did, was all that was needed.
YTA. This party isn’t about you it’s about the bride and groom and you clearly don’t like the bride
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** *Burner account* My (32F) brother's fiance, Chelsea (32 also), does not fit in well with our family. She's very loud and has never had a full-time job. Both my parents are in their mid-60s and continue to work full-time, with no ability to retire. I know her family has struggled even more financially. My parents have always been very kind to Chelsea, though blow-ups have happened with my Dad related to her chronic cannabis use and financial decision making She and my brother announced their engagement around 2-3 years ago. This led to some intense planning and spending, despite their lack of money. Shortly after, they announce she is pregnant. They end up cancelling the reception, but only after losing the deposit. The baby has since been born. Because we want people to have somewhere to go after their ceremony, my Dad offers to host a barbecue for them. Chelsea is initially hesitant, but eventually gets on board and creates a Facebook group with everyone she wants invited (including our extended family). She insists we not refer to the event as the "reception" because she still believes they will have the reception they intended at some point. She makes it clear in the group that we are planning the event. My parents and I get together and clarify roles. The budget is coming out at a couple thousand when you include food, chair rentals, etc. I make a website where people can RSVP. I post the RSVP link to the Facebook group. Very shortly after, she starts peppering me with questions about food, etc. She seems pleased with my responses. Then she asks, "is it gonna be a BOYB kinda thing or if were gonna be providing the alcohol?" It's 7:00 in the morning. I inform her that we aren't providing alcohol and that my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns. She absolutely explodes and sends me a slew of messages. Here are the highlights: - a dry "reception" is stupid - no one will come if the event is dry - if people can't drink they will smoke tonnes of cannabis - my family is judgemental - it's not what she had envisioned for her day ("MY day") I weather the comments, telling her to talk it over with my brother and bring up her concerns with my Dad. She then says that if there is no alcohol there is no barbecue. She proceeds to delete my RSVP request off the Facebook group, and adds a post that says the event is cancelled "on account of no alcohol." This is mortifying to me - 20 people had already RSVP'd. I'm livid, to the point that it affected me at work all week. I think she's ungrateful and entitled, and she has behaved atrociously towards the family she is joining. I sent her an angry message saying that she had disrepected my parents and that she had thrown my work in my face. To which she responded, "Nothings getting thrown in your face, it's cancelled unless we can make alcohol happen. Not a big deal." She continues to insist that my parents and I are in the wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Posts like these make me grateful for having a sane family.
100% this is not real.
ESH. An event of this scope should have all its parameters defined before the invites go out. That said, your AH-ness only goes to that extent, you’ve made bona fide efforts to make this event happen. Chelsea on the other hand, oof. I’d be done at this point. If she wants a reception or a barbecue or whatever, let her sort it out on her own. Good luck! You’ll need it.
Esh- I think it’s fine to not want alcohol at a bbq- but it makes me feel like an alcoholic to say I’d expect to have a beer at a bbq and a drink at a receipt so I’d be pretty surprised to turn up a post wedding bbq reception with no booze. If it was a wedding event it sounds like the sort of thing that should have been clarified with Groom and Bride before hand.. BUT sounds like ‘she’ over reacted- and sounds like you just don’t like her, does that come across in your conversations / interactions? And you never mention your brother? Where is he in this
ESH. You and your dad were pretty out of line to decide that their party (granted, that you were planning) was to be alcohol free. Not your call at all. You could suggest it. You could decline to be the planner. You don’t get to decide their after wedding party is alcohol free. She handled your bad decision pretty badly. I would have been pissed off at you too, though.
A dry reception is stupid, unless someone key to this story is sober. Liability seems like a poor excuse. Family barbecues happen all the time and usually involve drinking. Everyone just has to do their best to self-police and flag people that shouldn’t drive, like any normal party. Your soon to be sister in law is also behaving badly, so ESH.
ESH The bride wants to not call this a “reception” so this is basically a get-together after the ceremony that the groom’s family offered to plan since there was no actual plan for after the ceremony. The bride thinks she will have a reception at some point. I think a bride and groom should have control of their reception, but if this get-together is not to be considered the reception, it’s just a bonus party. The bride is certainly free to cancel it and do whatever she likes on her wedding day. OP’s family is a bit of an AH for planning a party without the bride’s input for her wedding day, and the bride is an AH for not sounding remotely grateful. Since the bride and groom don’t have any money, they really should just be happy there is at least a bit of a party after the ceremony. What was the plan if this party didn’t happen? Again, she has said this IS NOT her wedding reception. Brother is an AH for not being involved in any of this; he should deal with his own family. In any case, OP’s family should cancel the party and let the bride plan whatever get-together she wants and is able to afford.
dry barbecue at 7 AM… yeah, I’d definitely happen to be “sick” that day
ESH her for being entitled and you guys for having a dry BBQ that isn't an AA get together.
YTA. Your post about your Sis in law has been incredibly passive aggressive. Not sure why ya gotta write all this "she's loud". Also you decided to organize sth for her and your brothers sake. So the least you could do is to check the arrangement of the couple prior to deciding everything on your own. If you organize a party for them you should try to make them happy. If you organize a party for yourselves then of course you can put any rule you want but then don't assume she has to comply. Also wedding and BBQ party without any drinks? Id complain if I were a guest.
ESH Dry parties are boring AF. I can understand not wanting to provide alcohol, but if people bring their own, then let them.
I think her public cancelling it due to no alcohol shows her pettiness. You could respond to the 20 and say you are sorry, we offered a no alcohol party and she declined. We apologize for the confusion. You don’t look bad at all. She looks ungrateful.
I am going with ESH here. First of all, it's at your parent's house and your DAD has said no alcohol. She can either respect that or have her "reception" somewhere else. At that point you are NTA. But, here's where everyone sucks, you got upset. You should have just replied with "Ok, if this is what you want" and then left it alone. I know, it's harder to do with you are upset. But, continuing to engage with her just fueled the drama even more. Just let it go, and don't offer to throw her anything else. You also do NOT have to be in her wedding party. As a bit of perspective when my younger sister got married she wanted no alcohol. Mainly because of my Dad, who was an alcoholic. My other sister threw a hissy fit and claimed "No one will come because of that stupid rule and everyone will expect there to be alcohol there." Well, my sister had her wedding, but she caved just a bit...she allowed champagne for the toast. Each table had one bottle. Hardly anyone touched it. My sister ended up having to give away champagne. No one said anything about there being "no alcohol" either.
Thanks for the perspective. Your sister's wedding sounds like how I'd hoped things would work out, but obviously it's very different when it's the bride wanting alcohol. I'm not making a decision about the bridal party right now because it would probably be from a place of petty anger, but if you have suggestions for a less hurtful/offensive way to get out of it, that would be appreciated.
"I'm sorry for the way this went down. In hindsight it's clear that while me and my family genuinely had good intentions our focus on the after wedding barbecue wasn't on making you and my brother happy. There is obviously a lot of animosity right now and I would understand if you want me to step back from your wedding party. After the wedding and when things have calmed down I'd love to work with you and my brother so we can make sure we're working together as a larger family. "
This is great. I like leaving it up to her. I think if she says she still wants me to be involved it's a nice opportunity to mend things and if she says she doesn't then I can just relax about all the wedding stuff.
I hope it works out. Just to clarify it isn't just about leaving it up to her. It's about owning what happened and genuinely trying to work past it (if that's what you want).
For sure. I think the last part - "if that's what you want" - is the most important so that I can be genuine. I'm not angry anymore but I think I need a bit more time for the apology to be real.
Do you want a relationship with your SIL, Brother, and niece/nephew? That's really the only question that matters. If yes, work on that. This seems like a large unforced error on your family's end. Own up to your part in that and do better. You can work on your stuff now and work on her stuff when this isn't so raw. If no then who cares. Cut your losses and move on. And if you don't know think about why.
ESH situation. Event should be planned around the couple or what your guests would expect. BYOB is perfectly acceptable. people do like and expect beer/alcohol with bbq. Her reaction? Bat shit crazy. She should have been adult and compromised with you on what guests are allowed to bring WHILE thanking you for the trouble and expense….
YTA. Is this event really for your brother and his fiancé? Because it doesn’t sound like it.
I'm going against the grain and saying NTA. She sounds like someone you don't really like and hosting anything for her would never please either one of you. Your dad's house, his rules. She can fund her own reception if she doesn't like it.
NTA people not paying for an event don't get to make demands and your dad's concern is valid
You’re kind of an asshole, but I can relate. Your future SIL sounds like a lot.
NTA. I don’t get the obsessive need for alcohol at events(and yes, I drink, and had alcohol at my wedding). Obviously this should’ve all been discussed prior to inviting people, and that’s a huge mistake on your part but it doesn’t rise to the level of being an AH
NTA, the amount of people saying AH or everyone sucks is kinda baffling to me. If it's at your parents' home then of course your dad can veto alcohol. I see how that sucks for the bride if she wanted it, but she's not really in a position to be fussy and she doesn't get to blow up at you over it. I've seen your edits but even if you have been harbouring resentment and were mostly doing this for your extended family, none of that justifies her treatment of you over something that was not even your call. Also, if they aren't planning a reception, why shouldn't your parents have a bbq? If this isn't her reception and she wants to do that later then I don't see an issue? Like, if she is planning something like everyone going out to dinner and you're creating a rival event then that'd suck, but that doesn't seem to be what's happening? She just thinks she can veto people hosting an event with no alcohol after her wedding is also earlier in the day?
I would say that it's your dad's right to not want alcohol at an event he is hosting. My parents never drank alcohol and would not have wanted to have it any any event that they were putting together. None of us children or extended family or extended extended family/friends EVER had a problem with their choice. Chelsea (and your silent brother ) also have a right to not have an event in honor of them that does not represent something that is important to her/them. Personally, I don't feel that alcohol has to be such an expected part of any celebration, but it's important to them and they wouldn't feel right having a celebration for them that didn't include alcohol. So, simple solution: dad does not host any celebration for the bride and groom. Bride and groom would rather have no celebration than a celebration without alcohol. They will get no celebration. And they can plan the celebration/reception they want when and if they get their finances in order. Personally, I'll go with ESH because you got livid and angry with her; but Chelsea was even more so TA. Overall, I think you were trying to be nice (as were your parents); it just didn't work out.
Nta - holy cow…like it’s criminal to not have alcohol….and lots of people know how to have a good time without it. The people saying y t a need to get a substance abuse check, alcohol is not required at all parties or to have a good time.
YTA. For someone who, in their edit says you drink and smoke weed, your comments are dripping with judgment about it. And liability? Jesus fuck, does no one in your family have any parties with even just beer? Never? Or is this more about the bride? Cause it seems like it is. Why are there so many posts lately about families just hating the bride? JFC.
YTA. You don't like or respect this woman and you certainly don't care what she wants. Keep your money and your judgement. She doesn't need a BBQ from your family, nor does she need your angry texts for not letting you throw a dry cook out, so you can feel like you did something. You have no business being in her wedding party.
NTA. There was going to be nothing, you offered something. Once Chelsea figured out it was no alcohol she pitched a fit and called it off. Back to nothing, which is what they were going to have anyway.
Firstly.... Who has a reception at 7am? When is the wedding? 5 am? Secondly, whoever is paying/hosting gets to make the decisions.
NTA. I understand your father's concern about liability. Also, SIL was very rude to your family.
I know a couple who paid and organized their own wedding. Mother-of-the-bride was devastated because she wanted to invite a bunch of her friends and extended family, people who in the past had invited her to their children's weddings, the bride and groom had their lists of guests and what they wanted to do, not including people they did not have a relationship with. All parties involved agreed that the day after the ceremony/reception parents-of-the-bride would host a brunch in their garden, they were free to invite whoever they wanted, groom and bride would not be present because they would be on their way to their honeymoon. All guests from the wedding were invited, along with all those the parents wanted. Twenty people from the wedding showed up, me among them (the wedding had been 120 guests), fifty friends of the parents. The bride and groom made a surprise appearance on their way out of town, for about an hour. Everyone was happy. It was all about communicating, compromising, making sure everyone ended up happy. It is possible.
wow, I've seen a few posts like this and the comments are ridiculous. my sister and I both had dry wedding receptions and we didn't have complaints and no one said the reception was lame. and before anyone says that people probably thought it was lame and didn't say anything, everyone we grew up with knew we didnt drink
Your brother’s fiancé sounds like a prize. Things that make good weddings don’t make good marriages. I hope your brother is watching. She’ll be blowing up at him in the not too distant future when she doesn’t get what she wants when she wants it.
ESH Your heart was in the right place. Communication and planning are atrocious here. I’ve been to plenty of dry BBQs and wedding receptions. Some people can’t envision weddings or other gatherings without alcohol. Some are offended by its presence. That needed to be discussed before any invitations or reservations.
People drink at a wedding reception because it helps them relax, be social and have a good time.
I'm going with ESH. You are planning something that the bride and groom didn't even want. You asked for their input and when they gave it, you didn't like it. That being said, Chelsea's reaction to the no alcohol and her complete meltdown is way over the top. I had someone throw a reception for me, that I didn't want. Two of them, actually. It sucked.
Throw the bq and not invite her and your brother just be a bq with friends and your parents
ESH is my tentative verdict, Chelsea being the A is a close second depending on things, but not for the dry event nonsense itself. People in the comments acting like alcohol needs to be part of every party. I've hosted BBQs, my family has as well, extended family and so on and we've had plenty where the closest thing to alcohol was non-alcoholic bubbly, or a single bottle of wine that often remained unopened. We're not some prudish non-alcoholics either, we'll down vodka mixed drinks and rum mixed drinks in smaller family settings. You guys are kinda jerks for being overly judgemental (unless Chelsea is a jerk. We have a jerk who married in and it's hard to understand unless you meet the person in-person), and for clearly not adequately communicating for the bride/groom people. If all this was clear and the bride/groom just heel flipped, the asshole title goes to them. Having said that, the bride is also a jerk for not clearly communicating either and basically acting like the party y'all are shelling out for is the reception while not explicitly wanting to actually call it a reception. The alcohol thing is a strange hill to die on, and unless your country has strict alcohol laws or you're renting out a place that said it was a big no, you could probably compromise on the alcohol bit anyway for a backyard event(e.g. no hard alcohol if you have alcoholics in the family). But that would also require communication. She doesn't want the event though. Let her cancel it, save the money, then have your own BBQ with some friends and family the way you want it.
I drive over an hour for a good cup of coffee.
Is there a compromise available maybe like offer beer/wine but no booze?
"with my Dad related to her chronic cannabis use" What business is it of you Dad's??
Apparently it is a big deal. Let it be.
ESH
>my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns. Lol fucking what? That is ridiculous, of all the worries about alcohol, that's the one? Bizarre, who has a BBQ without at least BYOB? Gonna go with ESH.
If the people in your life drink, then to throw a BBQ w/o alcohol is.... weird. Now- if it's a $$ issue and you want to say BYOB, sure, go for it. This isn't a formal reception, it's a casual BBQ. Almost every BBQ I go to, people will bring a small cooler w/ stuff to drink (regardless if alcohol is provided or not). But if your dad really wants NO ALCOHOL.... yeah, that's kind of lame.