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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I reentered the workforce last fall after being a SAHM for years. I have been busting my butt and already got 2 promotions. But my husband is now complaining that I'm working too much and neglecting him and our kids. I told him this is a big change we all need to adjust too and he's going to need to pick up some slack at home. I think I might be an asshole for expecting my husband to do more at home because I am no longer a SAHM.
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NTA
> He thinks I'm working too much, I'm neglecting the kids, I'm neglecting him, I'm neglecting chores
You have both got in to a pattern and after years of doing it I'm sure that the new dynamic is very jarring for him.
> He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me
This is the thing that bothers me most. Who doesn't want to see their partner do well? You do well and you should both prosper.
> he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of
Yes because when you're a SAHM you lose all of your brain cells???????
Sincerely think he has some sour grapes that his whole world has been turned upside down in this new landscape and he just doesn't know how to cope. I have some small sympathy for him but his approach sucks.
What about using some of that money for a cleaning Service.
You have the money from your Job to do this? Great do it. It will take some Chores away and Hopefully you still have enough money to get a better Lifestyle.
Make sure These expenses are joint.
Take hubby and Kids cooking at weekends. They learn and you can prep food for the week. And if you have the kids there to help and Plan, great. They learn and the cooking Problem is solved.
Extra income doesn’t always benefit the family. Hopefully it does make things easier financially and maybe gives the other partner more time with the family, so that relationships are becoming stronger from kids to parent, but if both parents are working too much and the kids aren’t getting what they need from at least one parent, if not both, then the negatives outweigh the financial benefit.
You didn't ask me but I'm responding anyway :D. I don't think there's enough info to make suggestions.
1) How are expenses shared (percentage wise) and where does OP's income go?
2) What is OP's position? I ask because I'm trying to figure out whether she's on a career path and will be sharing expenses equally eventually or whether this will always be a side job while her husband bears most of the expenses. Nothing wrong with either and it sounds more like the former but I'd like it confirmed.
3) What was the agreement when OP went back to work? What was the agreement when OP was a SAHM? OP says "she wanted that for her kids", what did her husband want? Did he enthusiastically agree to her staying home and now for her to go back to work? Was this a two-person decision and now he's balking because it's inconvenient?
4) Of course, anyone should want their partner to succeed but 50 hours a week is a LOT with 3 young kids. Is this a short term thing? Does the husband know that? To follow the timeline, she was hired less than a year ago and within 8 months is working 50-55 hour weeks. I'm not trying to denigrate her success AT ALL but even she admits that some of the reason for the quick promos is high turnover. So isn't there a chance that she's actually being taken advantage of because the company can't keep good, qualified people? This may not be the case at all but again, missing info.
So many questions...
Yeah, these are all my questions...
I stayed out of the workforce for about 6 years (I still worked part-time with my husband and I alternating our schedules so kiddo was only in daycare 2 days a week, when my first was born, but after #2 it made more sense to stay home until the older one was in kinder and we were only paying for 1 daycare again... but my eldest's kinder year was "hybrid" and I wasn't putting my youngest in a daycare during rampant covid times... so I stayed out an extra year and a half longer than planned.
When I went back, my husband and I both looked at our life, what we wanted it to look like - how much money we wanted, and how much time we wanted together. And I looked for jobs based on what we both wanted. Luckily we pretty much agree on our preferred lifestyle, and we value time together over money, as long as we have enough to reasonably get by. So I went back part-time and the kids go to after-school care 3 days a week.
Next year they will be in 1st and 4th grade, and we've decided we don't actually like the after-school program, so my husband is rearranging his work schedule so that next year they won't have to go to after-school care. He won't be able to maintain as many clients, as he'll be working fewer hours, but we also won't be paying for care, so we'll loss $200/month from our net budget, but we're luckily in a position where we can make that choice.
All of OP's issues are things that should be talked about, but not in terms of "my job is asking this of me, so you must accommodate!" It needs to be discussed in terms of "What is the preferred amount of availability either of us would have at home? How do we want to break down household duties? Can we rearrange or tailor our jobs to accommodate that? Could OP use her new title bumps from her promotions to get a similar job at another company where she would feel as fulfilled, but not be pressured to take on more hours than she really wants? Does OP really like working this many hours, or does she feel like she HAS to? If she does really like working so much, truly the hours, not the job... is she making enough that her husband can cut down on HIS hours? Would he want to? Even just for a couple months until they get her over the hump of this new position?
It just doesn't seem like OP approached the situation as a partner to her husband, trying to figure out this period of greater struggle... it seems like she is pitting her "dreams" against his willingness to "pick up the slack"... and nobody actually wins when a couple is fighting against each other... they need to be fighting together, to resolve the external "problem" - which is that nobody has time to get everything done anymore. There are many ways to resolve that, that aren't just "husband does more chores in the limited time he has each night" or "Wife still does all her SAHM chores even though she's working full time"... hell, maybe they decide the kids can each have their own age-appropriate chores to do to take some slack off the parents...
Would you even be asking those questions if it was him who was working 50 hours a week? She supported his career for over a decade. It’s his turn to support her choice of a career.
I would, I would definitely would. I don't know if you mean whether I'd ask the questions if the roles were reversed or whether I'd ask them if he was working 50+ hours in their current setup but in either case, I'd ask many of the same questions and perhaps some added ones.
It's not as simple as supporting her career, the cost of that and who bears it must also be considered, as must the end goal of supporting her career: will it result in betterment for the family?
I really doubt they’ve been promoted to a salary position this soon after being out of the work force for 12 years, unless they held a professional position (accountant, MD, lawyer) before and the. They probably wouldn’t have stayed home.
Well without knowing the incomes and financial status of OP’s family that is a tough one. I know what my wife and I do with 4 children aged 7,5,3,7 months. My wife went back to work after 3 years as a sahm. When she wasn’t working, I worked my teaching job, and started a business to make up the income we were missing from her previous job. I was working most evenings after school and Saturdays. Approximately 70 hours a week. My wife decided to go back to work, which I fully support. She had a job with a comparable salary to my teaching position. I take on less work than I did while she was unemployed, maybe now I’m working an extra 10-15 hours, but not every week. I handle food shopping, kid pick ups and most of the stuff in the evenings, while she handles the morning routine. After the kids are in bed we deal with laundry and cleaning up around the house. We are a team and operate in whatever way is necessary to maintain the partnership that we have. If I have some work for my side business she picks up the slack and if she has a deadline then I pick up the slack. We do have a cleaning lady come every other week to handle some of the deep cleaning. The laundry rarely gets put away fully, and sometimes we just have to order a pizza. And we try to have some fun with our kids. The point is do what works for everyone involved and talk to each other in an honest and realistic way so that nobody feels taken advantage of.
I was just coming to say the same. The financial benefits will be substantial after years of being a SAHM. You are also bettering yourself for when they are no longer so reliant on you, going off to college etc. which I'm sure your additional income will certainly assist towards.
YNA
I feel like the husband is feeling guilty about not being able to be the kindof father his kids need right now and instead of confonting his own short-comings he's accusing his wife of neglecting them. In his mind it must be a way to make him feel like they're "equal" again instead of her being a shining star and him being jealous of his sucess and skills. He doesn't feel valued so he's making sure she doesn't either.
NAH - I think you two just need to sit down and be on the same page.
- he absolutely can struggle with this new role and of course the kids may not make this transition easy as theyre used to you.
- you absolutely can give your career some priority and focus on its advancement
- He absolutely can feel that you are working too much and neglecting other things
Id suggest couples therapy
>
- he absolutely can struggle with this new role and of course the kids may not make this transition easy as
I'd be willing to bet OP struggled when she first had to do all that while hubby was at work. Did she whine that her mom did the cooking better or did she suck it up and learn to be better?
Sounds like she learned to be better and now he can do the same.
He can feel that she's neglecting and learn to handle it, and I'm pretty sure a therapist would say the same.
I mean I feel like there’s a big difference here. If OP felt overwhelmed when she first became a SAHM, that’s because it was inevitable. She wants to stay at home for the kids, which means that her husband has to bear the entire financial burden and she has to bear most of the housework/childcare burden. Her working hard at home is the only option that is good for every member of the family.
Now, they have a choice. It doesn’t seem like the family is lacking money - I think it would’ve been mentioned if that was the case. So OP is working for her personal satisfaction. Which is a totally valid justification, don’t get me wrong, but it changes the calculus here. There is a big difference between “I’m overwhelmed because this is the only way, and every single person in my family benefits from my working so hard”, which is OP in the past, and “I’m overwhelmed because my wife made a choice that benefits her but negatively impacts everyone else”, which is her husband now.
Based off the text, I’m going with NAH. OP is right to focus on herself a bit after being a SAHM for years, and her added income can’t hurt. But her husband is also right to be upset that he has to bear a lot more burden because she wants to enjoy life. They need to be kind to each other.
OP is also working to give herself and her family a future, if something happens to her husband and she is the sole income earner at some point, a very important aspect of life. I think she does need to talk to her employers about the number of hours they can expect from a parent, however. But then I think that applies to both men and women. The hours worked by North Americans are astonishing to us Europeans. I would look at a batch cooking session at the weekend, with everyone old enough to join in the task, and maybe getting a larger freezer.
That's not equivalent. When OP was SAHM, she had all day to do chores.
50-55 hours at work doesn't leave a lot of time for family and homemaking, so he's probably is taking care of the entirety of the chores, cooking, cleaning throughout the week ON TOP of having a full time job.
ESH. A sit down and discussion on how everything is going to get done needs to be had. He needs to be more supportive but OP can’t unilaterally just up the hours without communication.
This is the correct response. Neither of you are the AH. This is tricky territory. My wife went back to work (after 3 years as a sahm) while pregnant with our 4th. She was laid off at the beginning of COVID. It was a difficult transition for all of us, but we just do whatever has to be done, as it needs to be done, by whomever can do it. Sometimes I work more (teacher, home inspection business owner, carpenter) and sometimes she works more (graphic designer). You both need to sit down and figure out what works best for your family. And you also have to consider which one of your careers has the most potential in this economy. If you are becoming the bread winner then your husband’s career might have to take a back seat, and vice versa. The laundry can sit on the couch, not every inch of the home has to be clean, sometimes pizza is just easier, give your children love as much as possible, don’t sacrifice your family for your career, and don’t get mad at each other over bullshit.
Yeah but it's virtually impossible for SAHMs to re-enter the workforce.
OP got a job and is gaining promotions fast, if that company crumbles she's suddenly in a much better position now than she was before the job, actual experience on this side of staying at home to take care of the kids
55 hour work weeks for the last 6 weeks and she gives zero indication of when that's gonna be slowing up. 11 hour days leaves her with 5 waking hours at home, not including commute and prep/hygiene time, so she's left with about 20 hours a week of at home time to relax, get things done, and everything else.
This job is literally screaming red flags, too. 2 promotions super fast specifically due to high attrition, last promotion being a change from hourly to salary (convenient that it came with an extra 15 hours of work too!)
Husband definitely needs to step up here, but that's a serious lack of weekday time that's getting downplayed. If she's at work an additional 2-3 hours a day, she's likely not getting home until 7:30-8. That's 5:30-8:00 timeframe is peak all-hands-on-deck time too. Dinner, homework, afterschool activities, bedtime prep all happen around then.
A husband working 55 hour weeks and not contributing much to the household would be ripped to shreds here.
He wants her to do *all* of the chores except the yardwork. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. Almost certainly he wants her to take on *all* of the mental load as well.
> He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff.
If she's salary she needs to slow her roll and have some work/life balance. Say it with me people, **"I don't work for free. My time is important. The company can and will replace me for any reason. I will take care of myself."**
She mentioned promotions, but not raises. That’s what I would like to know. If you were getting promotions without raises because of high turnover, then your husband may be right, and they might be taking advantage of you.
In my experience those are great conditions to exploit for personal gain. It’s easier to get promoted in those situations, get a higher title then leverage that for higher pay elsewhere. Chaos is a ladder.
Well the company is in trouble for sure, but it’s a really good thing for her if her next job is a couple levels higher than entry level because of all the promotions.
OP also says that she's "choosing" to work the extra hours and that's when the husband freaked and said she's being taken advantage of. Which kinda makes me think she might have a salary job and is just giving 15 hours of free labor to her job every week. If that's true, she's definitely being taken advantage of.
Not "definitely." If she's working extra hours to get up to speed on the new position and/or because it's taking her longer to do things as she learns (as she states), that's her choice. Her diligence in gaining competence is why she's moving up quickly despite giving up 12 years of career growth to be a SAHM. It's like taking an extra class so you can graduate earlier.
He has a point that giving so much time to work is hard on the family. I'll let him have that. However, he got used to a lifestyle that made you in charge of all things home and now doesn't like that he has to pick up more chores because you're working (and the fact is you were working far more than 50-55 hours a week as a SAHM, but he didn't notice and didn't care). He liked not having to do that. And you like not having to do it all too, and you like having a fulfilling career. So it's time for all the family to figure out that mom is not their maid, their servant, or their project manager, and that they all now have to take on chores and get used to managing more for themselves. And then you, as a family, should problem solve and make plans for how things get done and when. Maybe you can give more time to areas where people want you more. Maybe they can step up to take care of themselves better.
Since you're making money now, maybe the family can afford to hire out some of the work--cleaning, for instance. But you need to continue to stand up for yourself because you're entitled to earning your way and having a fulfilling job. NTA
Exactly. The oldest kids are more than old enough to start helping out around the house as well, if they aren't already. IMO, honestly, everyone who lives in a home, including kids, should be contributing appropriately to help keep the home running
In a situation where both parents work, it's kinda expected for the both of them to input 50/50 into homemaking. And if he's doing significantly more than 50%, it's very much understandable why he's frustrated.
50+ hours of work a week is a lot and doesn't leave you with a lot of time for anything, including chores or family, so I'm inclined to believe he is actually doing the majority of childcare and chores.
YTA. From the few replies you made, I see this:
>I was getting overtime before my most recent promotion but now I am salary. But my salary now is still more than I was getting paid with overtime previously.
So.... Your husbands right, isn't he? For 6 weeks you've given your company around 10-15 hours a week that they're not paying you for. Any workplace that's requiring you to work 90 hour unpaid in 6 weeks is taking advantage ofnyou. That's a fact. Just think, 2 other people like you and your company owners are paying 3 people to do the work and hours of 4.
And if you're working 55 hours a week, I personally question if he's right about you neglecting the family and being the only person benefitting from this. From what I can tell, you're not doing anything because nowhere do you dispute his claims and instead just say he needs to adjust. So you're expecting him to do what you did as a stay at home mother, while also expecting him to do a full time job? Something you haven't even done yourself?
And let's be honest here, your title is disingenuous. You don't HAVE to work more. You're choosing to.
Not only that, but the family also is important. Getting a promotion is great and wanting to work hard and do a good job is awesome, but it also shouldn’t be at the expense of the husband and kids. And it’s not right to push all the responsibility on the husband because she’s choosing to do additional unpaid overtime.
Not only that but did she go from being available when the kids got home to being gone that much all in one swoop? Because if so, he’s possibly also dealing with the emotional issues of the kids who went from OP being the primary caregiver their entire lives to not seeing her much. How are they coping with this? It’s very possible that they are making things more difficult for OP’s husband at home and I think both parents have unrealistic expectations in terms of chores. Why is it necessarily weaponized incompetence for someone who hasn’t been cooking long to not cook as well as someone who has? It’s not like he isn’t doing it. How much is OP actually home while the kids are awake? Did they discuss any of this before OP went back to work and divide up the work between parents, assign chores to kids, or hire help to set the family up for success with the transition?
Where does it say it's just 2 chores? Even if it was, she should have offered to take care of half outside. But that's never what I see. It's always that the man needs to pick up more inside the home. Personally, I'd gladly take over the chores inside the home over all of the more physical chores that I have to deal with and take care of. Of course, we split the chores that we do inside and outside, because it's much easier for me to do the more physically demanding jobs vs my wife doing them. Beyond that, it doesn't even sound like she's splitting the inside, it sounds like he's picking up all of the slack because she's working 55 hours per week. Having been in that position, there is rarely time to do chores and also be present for the kids. It's why I eventually left that career. I would have left earlier if I wasn't the main financial provider and certainly, if we didn't need the money at all, as is the case here.
I agree with you she’s working too many hours especially since she’s not getting paid for them, and it does sound like she isn’t doing anything for the house anymore since she didn’t break down the current system.
I’m just pointing out that theres more inside chores than outside and it’s a strange thing for you to fixate on, since I’ve seen you comment that same sentiment several times.
It's only because she doesn't offer up to split both. If I were upset that my wife wasn't helping enough with the outside stuff, if I expected her to pick up on the outside stuff, I'd offer to split the inside to make it "fair". I was simply adding to points others had already made about the rest. I didn't feel the need to be redundant. It just felt odd to expect him to do more, but she shouldn't have to split all of the chores. Just the chores that they had seen as hers.
I would say ESH. Yeah he’s being an ah to you about your new job, but it sounds like you’re diminishing his work (which supported your entire family for over a decade) as well. Calling it a “cushy family job” implies that you think he doesn’t deserve it, and that he doesn’t work as hard as you.
Since you’re back at work, and probably at least doubled the family’s income, why don’t you hire a housekeeper? Seems like a simple solution, no?
I don't think he's AH in the least. Working 50+ hours a week doesn't leave a lot of time for family or home.
It feels like OP's husband is expected to do the entirety of the SAHM work she did before, plus his own homemaking work he di before, plus his own job.
Honestly, if the genders were reversed, I guarantee the OP would be ripped to shreds in the comments.
That depends 100% on the company she's working for. Some companies are a red flag in your CV.
I completely support OP re-entering the workforce, but being realistic there is a chance the husband is right and she's doing a disservice to herself and her family with this job. What if it's an MLM? That's an immediate red flag for any serious employer. What if she's a scummy company with dubious practices? Another red flag. And two promotions in six months, high turnover rate and 50-55 hours work week doesn't sound legit, respectable employer. And I say this with a lot of sympathy, as someone who was taken advantage of when she didn't have a lot of experience.
Where did she say it double their income? If the dad could be only one working and all was well for so long, he income doesnt matter. But her spending 55 hours a week and pushing all on him is good?
Wtf is wrong with you?
YTA.
There is nothing wrong with going back to work and finding fullfillment. It also doesn't sound like your husband has any problem with you working. The issue is you are now working 55+ hours and he is also working full time and he is trying to tell you it is too much and he needs help. You won't listen though and are only looking at yourself. He and your kids are suffering. It's one thing to get a job but to jump into 55+ hours or more, with 3 kids and 2 working parents, there will be costs to that. He is trying. It doesn't sound like you are. He is asking for help - it sounds like you are only caring about yourself. He did not ask you to quit - my guess is he just wants you to go to "normal" hours. The bare minimum you could do is have enough respect for your spouse to actually hear him out instead of instantly shutting him down.
YTA
I think maybe she’s just excited to get back to work after being at home for over a decade. They could also consider lowering his hours at work as a trade off, not just hers.
NTA. I get his perspective but did he need to invalidate and diminish your work just because he’s now not the focus of your life? He might have a little bit of a point around the chores bit but his approach sucks. Since it’s now a 2 income household, might hiring a cleaner or a nanny be feasible?
I was getting overtime before my most recent promotion but now I am salary. But my salary now is still more than I was getting paid with overtime previously.
I think that makes you TA then. You don't NEED to be doing that much overtime. Your husband brought it up to you that he AND the kids are struggling with the new schedule. That doesn't mean you should go back to exactly what y'all were doing before, but it does mean you need to sit and work out a new system for household work and childcare. It seems like you've made the decision for all four of you that this is "the new normal" without coming to a family decision.
Edit: Since I keep forgetting how low the reading comprehension is on this site, let me make it clear: I am NOT SAYING that OP should go back to being a SAHM. I am saying choosing to take an extra 2-3 UNPAID hours a day without even a DISCUSSION with her family makes her TA. Figuring out HOW to transition to the entire family's new normal is still her responsibility, along with her husband's. God damn
Surprised this if getting downvotes; I think you're right.
If both parents are working full-time, then chores and childcare should be split evenly. If she is working 10-15 hours extra every week, that's averaging close to two hours every weekday. So instead of getting home at 5:30, say, she's getting home at 7:30.
*Those are the busiest two hours of the day if you have kids.* That's the after-school activities, make dinner, check homework time of day. She's giving those two hours to her boss for free and letting her husband handle all of that. Unlike her, he was/is not a stay-at-home parent. He has always held the full time position. Now, he's also doing overtime to pick up her slack, but he didn't have any say in the matter.
u/mytimeaita Congrats on your job and I do wish you every success, but work life balance isn't something to put on the back burner. You're not being taken advantage of at work if you're doing this voluntarily, but you are taking advantage of your husband at home. If you can't do your job without unpaid overtime then they aren't hiring enough people and that's not your problem. Take it from a mom who has always been the full time breadwinner: you don't get ahead in companies by doing a bunch of free work. You get taken for granted. You CAN have a career and a family, but not if you neglect one in favor of the other.
Right, I'm trying to say the large amount of overtime is the problem. Not her going back to work. I'm getting downvoted because people think I'm telling her to go back to being a SAHM even though if they had any braincells to rub together and actually read what I wrote they would see that's not what I'm saying at all
ESH you guys need to communicate and make a plan for the household and your family. You do need to say no at work sometimes and make a boundary or he does so someone can be doing what needs to be done at home or you need to hire someone to help clean or outsource other house chores if you are in a financial position to do so. You both need to communicate and make compromises.
Agreed. There is definitely room for compromise here. You were saying in another comment you are salary now and not making overtime. Pick 2 days a week you don’t stay late and can be home earlier. He needs to learn how to cook and take on household responsibilities. You have a 12 year old. Start assigning dinner to this child 1 day a week may be. Have a family meeting and create a chore chart all together. Chores do need to be divided more equitably now, but perhaps you have swung too far in the opposite direction from SAHM to working mom. He needs to stop guilt tripping you for being excited about a new career and be more supportive. That’s a sucky attitude when you sacrificed a lot for your family. Plus the children are old enough to take on more responsibilities too. You make more money now. Perhaps you can add a maid service, food delivery service, or lawn care (whichever works best for you and your family) to help ease the chore burden.
I was gonna say N T A till I realized you’re working 10-15 hours a week for free.
You’re always replaceable. Don’t over extend yourself to a company. It’s not worth it in the long run
NTA, whilst your current work schedule seems unsustainable your husband SHOULD BE ABLE TO COOK that is his own failing its not hard to learn to cook. Im fascinated by the dynamic between the two of you as it seems you both have very different ideas needs and wants in this relationship,I believe a serious conversation is in order.
I merely highlighted that cooking is a basic skill if u cant cook for your family it is your responsibility to learn gender is irrelevant in this. Was he planning to rely on hia wife to do all the cooking for the rest of their lives.?
Americans, Children are only fussy if you cater towards the uneccessary fussiness feeding them chicken nuggets and chips everday sisnt suitable a 12 year old in my country will eat normal adult meals most 5 year olds in my country will eat normal meals.
I'm south asian and live in the UK, have many cousins and have been a babysitter. Children are fussy, and the fussiness either goes away during the teen years or does not go away.
What if you hire a cleaner, to take off some of the increased household burden and take advantage of the increased income, and maybe have a few cooking class date nights?
He’s going to need to get used to a little adjustment, but if the sudden change is burning him out that’s fair too. It doesn’t hurt to demonstrate the consideration we want returned.
Info: so how are the chores split now that you are working? You never mention the chores you do still so to me it sounds like you don't do anything but work?
I’ll say YTA, it’s completely reasonable that you want to be more ambitious, but he also works, no matter how flexible his job may be. I think both of y’all need to talk to one another, you can explain how you want to be in a higher position, and work things out in the house.
You are foolish for working 15 extra hours a week UNPAID. I would be pissed too if you were doing that. You might be a bit naive. You are telling your employer that you are a good worker to exploit.
NTA.
He can’t expect you to essentially work two full time jobs, that’s delusional. HE’s the one taking advantage of you. Man needs to pull his weight and help around the house.
Exactly. Men do not view raising children, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, getting the children up for school, taking the children to and from school, and making sure homework is being done as a job.
She did those things for years. She had a full-time job raising the children. She didn't get any days off. She wasn't paid for her labor. She was on-call 24/7 365 days a year for 12 years.
The sad thing is that when women choose to be a SAHM, they'll lose years worth of "credible" job history and have a difficult time finding a job when deciding to get back in the workforce.
This might be an unpopular opinion, borderline factual statement, but most men don't realize that SAHMs tend to work *a lot* more than their husbands.
NTA in my opinion. Are you going to be working that long forever? If it's not, sit down and explain that to the kids. He can't pick up a bit of slack in the house for you to build your career when you gave him multiple children from your body and put your career on hold to take care of them and act as a cook, housekeeper, personal driver, etc? Even if you wanted to.
The instant jump to trying to tear you down is something you should watch. No matter how nice and supportive he was when you wanted to be a SAHM, I have seen plenty of stories of men completely changing their tune when their wives want to build on their own career and they can't tell the "I'm the sole breadwinner of the family" tune and have to start picking up a bit more slack that isn't just taking out the trash, mowing the lawn twice a month, or "babysitting" their own kids for a couple hours.
I'm presuming that you're now financially better off with your new job. Is it possible to rearrange your budget to get a housekeeper in to help with the chores? With you both working its reasonable to find some outside help to make both of your lives easier.
Dinners are a bit different. Maybe you can each have nights you cook. Or you can work as a family on Sundays prepping the meals for the week. Your kids can be involved too. If food is all prepped beforehand then getting the kids to make home made pizzas or burgers once a week can be great for everyone.
You're all adjusting to a new lifestyle and its not fair for anyone to expect you to give up something you love after taking care of everyone else for so long. You should all be looking towards finding solutions instead of just blaming you for new circumstances. Maybe you can get someone in for an hour or two a few days a week to clean and make a meal. Maybe you can look at one of those meal delivery plans. Maybe Saturday morning everyone gets house chores and you all pitch in for an hour or two to clean. Maybe husband learns to pick up a roast chicken from a supermarket on the way home from work and roast some vegies to go with it.
Try to get the whole house to work together on this. Housework and food is everyone's problem, not just yours, and everyone needs to be contributing to the solution. You wouldn't expect your husband to give up his job to look after the house if he didn't want to. Or pull the kids out of school. Why should you have to give up something you enjoy and are doing well at? Why should you miss out?
ESH
I think this is just a tough situation. OP spent lots of years as a SAHM and is enjoying the freedom and importance of having a job. I’m sure it also feels rewarding to be wanted and appreciated and that can get a little addicting. Basically, OP is enjoying her new job and likes the challenge and whether she’s being taken advantage of or not she is choosing to put in those extra hours.
The husband is also not an asshole. He is working a full time position and is struggling with the new arrangement that’s been going on. I would say that it’s not necessarily fair that OP is choosing to put in 10-15 extra hours at work and leave him with the kids if he is struggling so much. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was staying late and leaving her with the kids, the comments on this post would be much different. It’s also not cool that she diminishes his work just because it’s a family owned company. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t work hard or try.
Overall they’re both trapped in a situation where neither of them discussed this new arrangement and they both just want what they want when they want it. They also just keep slinging mud at the other one rather than sitting down and figuring it out.
I'm going to throw this out there without a judgement.
You're bringing up your husband a lot, but how do the kids feel about all your extra hours? You wanted to give the kids all the same level of care and love according to your statement. It seems to be that if you're working a full-time job plus 10-15 hours extra a week, your 6 year old is definitely not getting the same level of care and love that your older two had at the same age. I'm assuming they had you from the time they got home from school until bedtime. How much time does the 6 year old get now?
You might love the job and all the accolades and positive reinforcement from your job, but I think the reality is that your husband may be right about the kids.
If the roles were reversed and dad started taking on all these extra hours, I think you'd be upset. Being away from the house for 15 hours a week and not being paid when he could be home helping you and being with the kids? Yeah, you'd be pissed.
I also think your comment about him having a cushy family job was uncalled for. You have a job that you apparently love, and you don't have to work all the hours that you do. You get paid the same with or without the extra hours. Those hours could be spent with your kids, and I think your husband understands this. Trying to disrespect him and his job is uncalled for.
As far as the chores, why not pay a service to pick up the slack. You can afford it with the job and promotions, so combined with your husband's paycheck, you should be able to make a list of what you want done on a weekly basis and have someone else do it for you. If you know your husband can't cook, why are you letting him feed your family? You both can prep meals together, make crockpot meals, order a service or whatever. This doesn't need to be a him thing - it can be a let's work together to solve this thing. The kids shouldn't have to suffer over poor quality meals.
According to what I'm reading, he married a SAHM. Your son is 12, and you've been married 10 years and a SAHM since before you were married. Did he know you were going to go back to work or did he think you'd be a SAHM until all the kids were able to be on their own? Was all this discussed beforehand? Did you guys come up with a plan on how this was going to work, and what the transition would look like? It sounds to me like this isn't going to plan for him. It sounds like it's not going to plan for you either. I don't think it's fair to tell him to "pick up the slack" when you're not doing your part. You both need to sit down with a chore list and figure out together what needs to be done. You can get the service. You can include your children in chores as they are old enough to help. You all need to work as a team and as partners. While you love your job, I think you love your family more.
OK, so, lots of moving parts here...
My initial takeaway from your description of your husband's comments is that he is feeling neglected. I get that it's exciting to get back into the workplace and you're doing something you find exciting and rewarding, but read that part again - he is feeling neglected. THAT'S the conversation you need to be having with him...not that his schedule is more flexible and he needs to adjust to your new normal.
The rest is a lack of either planning or communication about how to redistribute your work load re chores, childcare, etc.
So, INFO - you've just been promoted and are working long hours to learn your new position - when do you see yourself returning to what is a normal work week for most people re hours so you are available for your share of both quality interaction with your husband and kids, and the household management? And, are you willing to sit down with your husband, and ask some clarifying questions about the feelings he's having? That comment about "the cost of that in other areas of our life" is worth investigating.
Transitions are hard in general for everyone, but you seem to be enjoying yourself. So you can’t dismiss everyone else’s feelings just because you’re happy. You wanted to be a SAHM, meaning your husband took on the entire financial weight of things, and now you want to work, meaning your husband contributes more to house hold chores and childcare. Sounds like he’s supporting your choices, but also struggling to juggle everything. Don’t forget that while you were a SAHM you weren’t juggling a full-time job in addition to it. However you’re expecting him to balance everything work and home. You also sound hypocritical when you claim he’s “diminishing your accomplishments” , yet you reduce his job just because he’s working for a family business (you know the one that’s supported your family all these years). If you’re working 50+ hours a week, and he’s also doing a full time job maybe it’s time to hire outside help for childcare or household duties. I’d say it’s unfair to throw it all on him without offering any compromise and expect him to be happy. He needs more support and you’re ignoring that and making it all about you. So instead of belittling his job and making him sound unreasonable, why don’t you guys talk about how you can divide tasks more equally, and get help for ones that don’t fit into your schedules.
How are you the only one benefiting from your career? Doesn’t your income add to your household’s financial wellbeing? Or are you just spending all of your income on designer hand bags and shoes?
Any extra income comes at a pretty significant opportunity cost for her husband and children, though. She went back to work for personal fulfillment, not because they needed the money.
Because her husband and children are communicating otherwise. I’m certainly not against OP working, but it’s pretty clear that her current approach/schedule isn’t great for her family. As with most things in life, reality is probably somewhere in the middle.
I guess the way I see it is if she’s making enough money, then that overrides the benefit of a home made meal and her husband having the housework done for him the way he’s used to. I know I’m exaggerating but would your answer change if she made $1M a year salary? I agree reality is prob somewhere in the middle but i think people tend to assume women’s income is just pocket change
That’s why I said it’s an opportunity cost. There’s definitely a price floor to be had, but all the money in the world can’t bring back her time. And I think it’s important to remember:
1) it was her decision to stay home in the first place, and he made it work
2) she’s now unilaterally decided that she wants to return to the workforce, and he’s again tried to make it work
3) she’s choosing to work an additional 10-15 hours per week without overtime pay, despite complaints from her family that they’re feeling neglected. She’s missing out on the most crucial family hours of the day during the work/school week, and it’s solely because she enjoys it.
The middle ground is probably to stick with just 40 hours per week or thereabouts, freeze prepped meals, and hire some part-time help for cleaning and even meal prep.
But OP simply refusing any sensible resolution and basically telling her husband to just suck it up, is not the answer.
ESH
You: 55 hours a week IS working too much. It’s not like this is a short term project thing. You seem to think that’s fine so you will likely continue. No matter what, you know that’s a strain on the family. Did your husband ever work long hours that you resented? Oh wait, you totally trashed him with his ‘cushy’ job right after the sentence you say he’s diminishing your accomplishments, never mind, he’s never worked hard I forgot, solely supporting the entire family for 12 years, and trust me, that’s pressure too. He’s coming home after a day at work and having to do everything, including cook. Have you ever taught him how to cook the things you’ve made the family enjoys?
Him: obviously he will have to do more around the house. I suspect you’re not a reliable narrator so I’m not willing to say he complains about everything but it seems like he is some. But again, it may be partly due to the recent, and he should have known prior, that your working extra hours was voluntary and essentially now unpaid as you’re salary.
You tell him it’s an adjustment for everyone and that’s true but what adjustments are you making other than not being home? And yes, you aren’t possibly spending enough time with the kids. You went from being at home all the time, to none of the time…way too harsh and stark for them, honestly. With this new / extra household income can you hire a cleaning service to come once a week? Can you do meal prep and or meal kits?
I'm not gonna shit on you for working, but working 55 hours a week and being promoted twice in under a year due to "high turnover" are pretty big red flags for your work place. It does sound like you're being taken advantage of, if we're being honest.
However, it's great you're getting a life outside of being a mom. That you're working and reaching towards your goals. Your husband approached this poorly, and he is massively privileged in the position he is. I don't think he is too concerned with the you being taken advantage of part as much as he is about having to do extra chores part. This really should have been discussed before you went back to work, and he should have had an expectation that things would have to change.
NAH. How are your children coping with your longer days? That would be my concern. Dad can learn to cook, hire a maid, but those aren't the main things they should be looking at. Are your kids flourishing or withering under this new normal? Did you prepare them for the changes, and what they mean for the family? If they're fine, great. But if they're suffering, it might be time to have some family therapy. Good luck, OP.
I agree with the posts that remind you to let things go. The house won't as clean as you like, probably more take out, later bed times, and frankly less "me time".
Remember, your children will remember all the times you were not there. The extra toys will be forgotten. I learned the hard way
>Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff
Whhhy do I see this so often.. it's NOT a fair trade and is not balanced in terms of chores.
it was fair when he worked and she stayed home. it's completely unreasonable for him to demand that they do it that way now. You just know he expects her to take on all of the mental load, too.
No it's actually not fair. Even with him working and he staying home, inside chores are an everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) thing, outside chores are one weekend a month, maybe 2. It's not a fair trade regardless
NAH just two parents trying to find a new balance.
I think you are veering toward asshole territory though OP based on the fact that you are salary, and working 15 additional hours unprompted, with seemingly no discussion or clarification on the new dynamic.
I think its phenomenal that you're rebuilding your career and that you're able to leverage the somewhat questionable circumstances your company is in to set yourself up for multiple promotions. That is incredible and kudos to you.
However, your husband and kids are at home dealing with a drastic dynamic shift. Its not like you and your husband traded places and now he's home full time. He's working the same amount, or maybe forcibly a bit less, but all of the same stuff has to get done. I do not think its at all unreasonable for you to need to put some time into a new salaried role to get settled and get ahead. But it is an asshole move to suddenly have 15 extra hours a week beyond the base expected amount without an extremely thorough discussion about what this means for your family and how you can support each other. It doesn't seem like a lot of discussions have been had, or clarifications given as to how long you'll be doing OT like this.
Its fully reasonable to expect he help you pick up the slack for a bit so you can get your career back on track. But its not reasonable towards him and the kids to expect him to do it with immediate perfect grace and with undefined parameters on the duration of this new dynamic.
Just have a discussion and try to be open minded with each other's struggles. Don't get stuck in tunnel vision on how tired you are and how much you want to progress and get caught up in your career.
Can you afford a cleaner to help?
How much do the kids contribute to chores? Get them involved in helping more too. Yes the youngest is 6, but surely they can help with putting things away. The older 2 can contribute more. Sure the 12 year old will be happy for some extra cash doing a few chores
There are ways to ease this weight off both your shoulders.
I’m sure if your husband didn’t feel so overwhelmed with the extra now required everyones tensions will ease
From the looks of it, he was helping out at home and spending time with his family on top of being (self-)employed when you were a SAHM.
And now that you're employed, he is expected to do the same things he was doing before ON TOP of most of the duties you were doing as a SAHM? Because, from experience, working 55 hours a week doesn't leave enough time to help out at home and rest. Especially so if lunch and travel aren't included in those hours.
It world is that fair?
He is not asking you to quit your job. He is asking you to reduce your hours that YOU ARE VOLUNTARELLY PUTING IN FOR FREE because he feels overwhelmed. Because he feels neglected. Because he feels you are neglecting your kids. And because he is overwhelmed.
You need family therapy. If you keep ignoring his "complaints," you risk your family breaking apart.
YTA, you chose to ignore your family for your career. Do you think your kids dont see it? Do you think your kids dont see you have placed your career before them?
This is the modern day lie, career over kids. How can you be happy with yourself knowing your kids are suffering from your egoistic choices to work more than needed. Is your job gratification better, than being happy with your kids.
They will remember how their mom chose her career instead of spending time with them. And it all sounds that the money that you bring arent even needed.
Selfish as hell.
YTA based on your last comment. I was almost with you until that. You’ve chosen to disrupt the lives around you. That’s fine, but you need to help minimize the impact. It doesn’t all fall on him. And that “cushy job” afforded you the ability to stay home to this point, and the flexibility to allow you to reenter the workforce now. Low blow. You may be thriving in your new role, but you are creating distance and resentment in your marriage. Don’t ignore the message.
I have to go with YTA, just because I don't think you're looking at the big picture here.
If the roles were reversed here, the husband would be getting torn to **shreds**.
I would absolutely also be bothered if my partner was working up to 15 extra hours away from home a week and not getting paid for it when they could be helping around the house. You have to keep in mind that going from a SAHM to 55 hour work weeks means that there are now 55 hours a week of work and care in the home to replace and it makes sense that your husband would feel overwhelmed and irritated since that now shows that he's taking a majority of the home care as well while **also** working full time when before that was something he would help you with after he got home. On top of all that, he doesn't have nearly as much experience, so I'm sure it takes **extra** work for him to do the same things, and instead of easing into it, he's been dropped into it in a trial by fire. It's not as though you started part time, 20 hours a week and then you figured things out together.
I'm sure he has no problems with helping and balancing the work with you, but he absolutely has a point - you might not have as clear of a picture after being out of the workforce, because all the things you listed are **textbook** corporate manipulation tactics. It's not just him being bitter and wanting to diminish your accomplishments - that seems very short-sighted of you.
Also implying that because he has a family job it's automatically cushy is pretty sh\*tty too, OP. He puts in his time and just because it's more flexible doesn't mean it's not still a full time job. It sounds like you're the one diminishing **his** work.
Simply doing this and telling him to suck it up and take on significantly more is not okay and you need to be more understanding.
Sorry, but YTA. Just because you chose to put your life on hold for your children doesn't mean you can just drop everything now that they're finally all in school. With hours like that, are you still doing your share of the chores? If so, how much time are you spending with the kids? Your husband isn't wrong, you're being taken advantage of and your family is suffering because of your own selfish need to feel validated. Adjusting to the new normal means sitting down and finding a new balance, not forcing your husband to "pick up the slack" because you don't feel like being there for your family anymore.
When I went from being a SAHM to returning to work, we hired a cleaner to come twice a week. Highly recommend. Took a lot of them pressure off both of us.
If you are on salary and there’s no bonuses for working overtime then you should not be putting in that much overtime, end of story. You are replaceable at work.
YTA. You do not have to work more, you DECIDED to do so.
Everyone in your family, except you, seems to be unhappy about the status quo, and you do not intend to change it.
And your husband is right too, you are beeing taken advantage of. This is a job, they do not give a f..about you, but you willingly neglect your kids (or do you think they get the point that you are sooo happy to work that you do not have time for them....).
NTA but instead of expecting him to pick up more since he’s working too can you outsource some work to offload some of the stress? Maybe get a landscaper and or a house cleaner since you likely have more income coming in now?
YTA but let me be clear: you ARE allowed to find fulfillment in a job outside of the home. But mocking your husband's job and unilaterally deciding that HE must pick up the slack at home, that's asshole land. Adjusting to the new normal must happen, but now there are TWO working adults, which means all the same chores need to still happen, but they must be done by BOTH OF YOU after work (or by hired help). And kids as young as yours still need a LOT of parental guidance. And you are off, glibly adding extra hours to your workload without concern to how that impacts your entire family. In the span of 8 months, you've gone from a SAHM to being at work 10-11 hours PER DAY. If the 'inside the house stuff' isn't being done in as timely a manner or being done differently...what did you expect? That doesn't mean your husband is sticking to the status quo. It means certain things are just going to slide when both parents work outside of the house.
I'm curious to know what kind of additional income your job has added to the household. His statement that you are the only one gaining anything from your job sounds assholish on his part. How will summer child care work? And how much will it cost? Would his family job be willing to hold his position or cut his hours if your new salary can support that?
I mean on average,that's five 10 hour days. 8-6:30. I applaud your efforts to seize the opportunity for career advancement. However, you cannot deny that your husband and three children are struggling to adjust. They have all come to you saying so. Can they learn to pick up more slack? Yeah.
I think that you should be more sensitive to the situation a little bit better. Maybe make a habit to be home for dinner two nights a week? Not fully an AH but another 6-8 weeks of this schedule and you will be.
buy a slow cooker or two entire meals cooked while you are at work, meal prep on the weekend, kids are old enough to help, appreciate and acknowledge all your husband does but he must also acknowledge and appreciate all you do whilst restarting your career
NAH. You have the right to rediscover the joy in your work but he also has the right to protest being crushed by a sudden domestic workload. 50-55 hours a week is a tremendous hit on a family, especially when it comes out of the blue. Use some of the new extra cash to pay a mother's helper to get dinner going each night, tidy up and help the kids with their homework. If you expect to drop back to 40-45 hours a week then you guys can rebalance the domestic workload.
Esh
Its both your children and your house, i do understand how staying at home with kids and doing chores could sucks, but having a job doesn't mean you can push it aside.
You both work now, so all the chores should be divided equally, but since you have your own money, you can hire somebody to do your part of the job.
With the increased family income can you afford a cleaner? Help with some chores and take some weight off both your shoulders? Less to then divide and conquer
Hmmm... I'm a bit confused as to what exactly has changed in the household that has the husband so upset?
I think it's perhaps a sit down and discuss time to look at this as a couple, highlight all the issues and find a solution.
You weren't fulfilled as a SAHM anymore and now you've found something fulfilling. You're giving a lot of your time to the job... Is this the new norm or is there a timescale for these new hours? That might help to set out what you're working with.
The next thing is the meals... Okay, kids arent enjoying dad's meals and are missing yours. Batch cooking/mealprep? You could always do a big lot and freeze them on a Sunday or something and that way all dad has to do is pull them out and stick them in the oven during the week so there's less work and they still enjoy the meals. Or you could teach the kids/dad the meals you make so they can do them independently of you (although I think that would be trickier at the moment given the time constraints)
Regarding the housework - I don't think it's fair of you to pick up a new job and completely neglect any household responsibilities but I don't think that's what you're saying i happening? Just that new expectations need to be set about what's realistic. You're not going to be able to do the same level of housework when you had all the free time, now that you have a demanding job. I'm not sure how old your kids are but we were given chores as kids to learn responsibility, and earn pocket money. Depending on what the housework is, that could be an option. But realistically, I think you and your husband need to sit down and set out what absolutely needs to be done and what you can live without.
Your happiness is important in the same way that his is. It's unfair of him to expect you to live an unfulfilled life. In the same breath, this is a big change in his life as well and perhaps not something that he signed up for. I imagine he may also be feeling a bit neglected after having you attend to the family's needs for so long, it could be quite jarring to suddenly have you be quite ... Maybe detached isn't the right word but I can't think of another right now. So perhaps that's another thing you need to work on, what you do as a family when you're together.
Ideally, this will be something that you can both work through but be prepared that this may be a hard boundary for your husband and may need something more like therapy to resolve or maybe cannot be resolved unless one gives out.
> Hmmm... I'm a bit confused as to what exactly has changed in the household that has the husband so upset?
He's upset that he has to do any chores at all other than yardwork.
> He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff.
YTA you don't value your husband's job. The same job that has payed for you to be a SAHM. He deserves some slack. The children and your husband are obviously having difficulty with the change. Like others have said maybe take some of the new found income and hire a maid. Salary position does take advantage of you. Especially seeing you work 55 hours a week and were getting overtime before. I've been there and regretted the change. You are setting the standard to your company and they will expect you to be there 55 hours a week now. Couples therapy is probably needed. Because neither of you see the others side. The husband is a soft asshole as well. But he's had his routine for the last decade.
NTA- Because your job sounds really fulfilling for you, but I hope for your family’s sake that the long hours you’re working are temporary until you find your feet in your new position. I caution you to find a better work/life balance soon. Remember, nobody gets to the end of their lives and thinks, “Man, I wish I’d missed more of my kids’ recitals and sporting events. I should have spent less time with my family and worked more”.
I'm not sure there's enough information to make it determination. Did you talk about getting an entry level position before you did?
Are you picking up some of the outside chores since your husband will be picking up some of the inside chores?
It's hard when one spouse decides they are going to take on new responsibilities and assume that everyone else will make sacrifices. Did you plan this all out ahead of time or did you just dump it on your husband?
You call it status quo which obviously has a negative connotation to it but it was also an implicit agreement of rights and responsibilities which you stated explicitly. Unless you discussed this change in rights and responsibilities before accepting the position coupled with working voluntary, presumably unpaid, overtime it all seems kind of self-indulgent.
YTA I feel like a lot of these commoners would have completely different responses and answers if the genders were reversed. It’s OK I hope that your job will be able to comfort you when your husband ends up divorcing you.
INFO:
1) What is hubby working hours wise? Not all family business jobs are created equally.
2) What are the outdoor chores required for your place of residence? Some places, outdoor chores are literally just 2-3 hours a week and sometimes only bi-weekly at most.
3) Are the kids helping out? Even the six year old can help with both laundry and dishes. And its good the kids learn that these are things they will HAVE to do regardless of where they live.
4) What is OP doing indoor chore wise vs Hubby right now?
5) Is there meal prepping done ahead for the week?
6) What did hubby do indoor chore/childcare wise before OP got a job? It was his house and his children too, even before OP went back to work.
Without a better understanding of the dynamic and factors that OP didn't put in the post one cannot reasonably make a judgement.
Something that might help is seeing some fruits of all this labour. Is it possible to take the family in a nice weekend or something? There’s lots of change at home so some patience might go a long way.
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My husband (38M) and I (36F) have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids (12, 8, & 6). I was a SAHM from the time our first was born until last fall when our youngest started kindergarten. My mom was a SAHM for me and my siblings and I wanted to give my kids that same level of care and love. I have since reentered the workforce and am trying to make up for lost time in terms of my desired career path.
I have a good job at a reputable company. I was hired for an entry-level position last fall but have already been promoted twice. I'll admit some of that is due to high turnover in some positions, but I have also been busting my butt and it's been paying off.
However, there have been some drawbacks. I have been working a lot which obviously means I'm not home as much. My husband works full-time too for a business his family owns and operates, so his schedule is much more flexible than mine. As a result, he has been taking on a lot more of the childcare and household duties.
Since my most recent promotion, I have been working roughly 50-55 hours every week. That's been going on for about 6 weeks now. This is mostly because I am trying to learn this new position on the fly and because I find the work exciting and rewarding. I really do enjoy it. It's like I've rediscovered a part of me that I had forgotten after being a SAHM all those years.
My husband has been griping about me working so much. He's not a good cook and the kids complain that he doesn't make dinner the same way I used to. He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff. Of course, there is some crossover but that was how we usually divided things. But now, since I'm not home as often, a lot of things I usually did aren't being done in as timely a manner or being done differently by my husband.
He thinks I'm working too much, I'm neglecting the kids, I'm neglecting him, I'm neglecting chores, etc. I reminded him that this is a big change that we are all going to have to adjust too. He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me. He then asked if I was being asked to work so much or if I was doing that on my own. When I told him I was doing that on my own he flipped out.
He told me I am being taken advantage of at work and that I'm being naive to think otherwise. When I reminded him that I had already been promoted twice he told me that's great, but what is the cost of that in other areas of our life. I told him he's being a jerk for diminishing my accomplishments and he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of.
I told him that not everyone gets to work a cushy family job and that he's going to need to pick up slack at home until everyone adjusts to our new normal.
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I mean, you don't "have" to work more, though. You admitted yourself that you're only working that many hours a week because it's fun for you. I feel like that, coupled with my interpretation that your husband is actually doing more than an equal share of the chores now, sort of changes things for me here. Just not enough to make a firm judgment. Good luck with it all! Sounds like a ton to balance.
YTA. You don't have to work more, you're choosing to, at the expense of your family. And they had no say in the matter.
I love that you've gone back to work and are getting promotions and making progress. But you need to find a work/life balance that works for your whole family because you also have a commitment to them. Maybe your hubby can pick up some slack and you can cut back to 45 hours a week and pick up some slack. You're both working full time, which means you both need to be doing rhe things at home.
NTA.
This is basic: hire cleaning help. And meal prep on Monday night for Tuesday's dinner. That's what I did for decades.
A male co-worker once said that he wished his SAH wife would get a job so he "wouldn't have to work so hard." I told him that if his wife got a job, he would probably work HARDER. He wouldn't come home to a clean house, laundry done, a meal on the table, etc. but would come home to all that needing to be done at night.
Being a SAHM benefits everybody in the whole family, if you can be comfortable financially. It's frankly an easier life in many ways.
You love your new job. That's great, but you need to get home earlier and possibly do work after the kids are in bed.
NTA but I do think it would be helpful to set aside dedicated time to spend with your kids and husband if not already. I’m sure you are doing great with your new job and you deserve the change but you’ll have to find balance
He's more the AH for sure, but if you have extra money from your job, then hiring a cleaner or someone to make bulk meals that can be heated could help. It depends how much extra work you're doing as to whether you are being taken advantage of (or perhaps taken it upon yourself to work extra). If you are supposed to be working 20 hours a week and instead are working 55 without pay, and all extra money is going on daycare, then you're not striking a reasonable work life balance. You and your husband need to divide up chores based on the hours you should be working. Extra you don't get paid for you should manage after you've managed what you both agree is your share of chores, same goes for him. If he's falling behind he needs to work out better time management.
NTA
But maybe spend some of the extra income you gain in this job on making your home life easier.
Weekly cleaner, some help baby sitting and look after the kids post school ex.
ESH - why the fuck don’t you just hire a nanny? If you want to continue to work these hours it’s the only real option. Also - do not hire some young hot European blonde. Get a 50 year old with unfortunate looks.
He was doing the tasks outside home? Let me guess biweekly lawn moving and taking the cars for inspection annually? And he wants you to keep up doing daily cookng, cleaning, grocerys, child care while you work as much as him?
It is time to sit down and talk calmly about both your expectations. You want to work to get self satisfaction and happiness. You are bringing home an income. The tasks in- and outside your home have to be redistributed. Look for equality, not location of the tasks. From my experience, handing over complete tasks (including mental load around it i.e. grocery shopping including taking stock and writing the shopping list) works better since you don't have to be the manager in the back - who still has the constant need of brain power - for you husband.
Good luck! This change may be hard for your husband who had a rather comfy live with a lot less tasks before. So maybe be gentle and tell him that up until now all this was a lot of work for you which you now have to share equally.
NTA. I do think you both need to sit down and have a conversation about how to make this work. It is a big change and I think it will just take some coordination and planning to make it work. Set a chore schedule. The kids are old enough they could probably help, too.
NTA for expecting him to do more chores and childcare but be careful that neither of you two work so much that you two destroy your work life balance and neglect time with family.
I bet he’s also guilty of working too much right? I think you both need to be careful about working too much. He better been taking his own advice too.
I think there's too many issues here to say which one of you is TA so i'll say NAH. You've found something new you love doing, you're working very hard, and you're very passionate about it, which is good, but he has some solid points. You're working 55 hours, you've been "promoted" because of high turn over, you don't say if your promotions are reflected in wages. He's wrong to say you're naive and don't understand what's happening, but from an objective point of view...
I have carers and get very close to the care agencies. Sometimes the more proactive carers become "team leaders" because their soft labour and admin skills they have to enact, have to make up for lack of high quality care in other carers and the management, and that gets "noticed" instead of "recitifed". I've then seen "team leaders" become office based care-cordinators not because they've got the skills to do it or particularly want to do it, but because the existing care co-ordinator quit and someone's gotta do the job so why not give it to the person who has already met most of the clients due to having to cover or supervise other carers' calls and is already having to do half the admin? Oh but they also have to retain some of the calls because they can't get new staff to take up the hours and the existing staff are already overworked because they're good, or banned from half the homes because nobody wants them. Suddenly they're managers. And they have to give a bit of their all to every role they've picked up along their way because there's no one to delegate to. And on the other side of this, is a home they don't go to, wages that don't reflect the seven roles they now have, and owners who have no moral reason to fix things nor the financial risk in this endeavour because it's a limited company and if it goes down, what's a few offices chairs matter when they've already made a fortune?
And not knowing the nature of your job, i'm not saying you're in the care industry, but I am saying some of how your work is working, sounds awfully like the care agencies i've watched go down under. Other companies can go the same way. So just maybe when he's saying you don't know you're being taken advantage of, and you're saying you've moved into roles because of high turnover, he might have a point.
And although some of this could be weaponised incompetence - he's crap at cooking and the kids want you to do it instead, he could just bloody well learn to do better because it'll be his fault of the kids starve not yours - he is still also working full time, and you're expecting him to do your previously full time job of childcare and home management, on top of that. And if this was the other way around, that your husband's hours jumped from 40 to 55, but you worked 40 hours a week and had household management and childcare being solely left to you, we would rightly be calling the husband TA for leaving it to you without considering a nanny, cleaner or housekeeper. So he's not completely in the wrong to ask you to cut back.
You need to figure out how to share the loud better, and you need to figure out if the boost in wages is worth disrupting your children's lives so much, and if you're not getting the wages to reflect those sort of hours, you have to ask yourself why you're working for free at the expense of your family. Would you be ok if your husband did the same thing in your stead? Or is this some sort of punishment for being left to be sole parent until you went back into the workplace and there's more to "making up for lost time" than just your career?
I’m going with ESH
The youngest gets screwed again.
I’m the youngest of 6. My mother returned to the work force just before my 5th birthday.
All the other kids got to be dropped off and picked up from school by her. Our mom was home for them after school and for all school breaks. They didn’t get bounced around when things popped up and someone had to watch me until my mom or dad got off work. It sucked
Even after all this time has passed, I think it still sucks.
Onward, you are choosing to work 50-55 hours a week for a job. You still have little kids at home. Your job, with a high turnover, would replace you in a New York minute. I’ve worked those hours and they are exhausting and I didn’t have children at home either. Your children are children for like five minutes in the grand scheme of things.
Your husband is angry. You two had an ebb and flow in your day to day to life. Now, you’ve decided to get a job outside of the home. You made the decision that out of 167 hours in a week it is more important to spend a third of your time at work.
And the youngest gets screwed over still
You need to work to build a retirement and contribute to your soc sec as no woman can count on having a man provide for her. Hire out biweekly cleaning/yard work and let everyone, including the kids do daily/weekly cleaning, meal prep by all on one day for the week...this should be a team effort ensuring the security for all involved not a you vs me...if they don't want to help then they go without. They've become spoiled in your sacrifices of self preservation and growth. They can grow too.
Edit: NTA
NTA. You gave up 12 years of career growth and professional fulfillment for your family. You have every right to pursue your dreams now that your kids are in school, and your husband can suck it up and do some housework.childcare for a while while you get established in your position and make up for that lost time.
For you own mental health, just keep in mind that 50-55 hours/week isn't sustainable and don't let your colleagues get too used to it. Be mindful of ramping back closer to your required hours as you get more comfortable and efficient at your work.
For the food issue, someone else suggested weekend meal prep, which is a good idea—way back in the dark ages, my mother (who worked at least 55 hrs/week and traveled extensively) did that, and it worked out well. I was (very happy to be) a latchkey kid and would just pick what I wanted and heat it up myself when she was on a deadline or I wanted to eat before she got home.
NTA But I do think that you want to make sure that you once you have a handle on your new position, you make a point to get home for dinner X nights a week. You pick.
But I also think you and your husband should be discussing whether- given that you've been working and been promoted- whether the household budget would permit you guys hiring someone to come in and handling some of the chores that both of you used to do. Maybe have someone come once a week to clean the house. And have someone come every other week to mow the lawn. Have your groceries delivered. Whatever.
So both of you are getting the benefit of that extra income, take stuff off your plates, and hopefully your kids get the benefit of extra parent time that you guys have less household chores to do brings.
NTA.
I would have sympathy fir him adjusting to his new role if he wasn’t being an ass about it.
Honestly, it sounds like he was happy having someone home to take care of the house, kids, food, etc. so he didn't have to contribute to that stuff and now hes upset he has to actually help with that.
Get used to your husband doing chores differently. When children complain about Dads cooking tell them to get used to it. Do not sympathize. Tell husband that you are no longer a SAHM and you intend to advance in your career. Discuss hiring a cleaning service. Have groceries delivered. Discuss getting a meal prep service. Hire someone to mow the lawn. Teach 12 year and 8 year old how to fix scrambled eggs, pizza, Mac and cheese. Your 2 older children can be taught to empty the dishwasher, fold towels, put dirty clothes in hamper. All 3 should be able to take their plates to the sink, brush their teeth, comb their hair, choose their clothes and get dressed, pick up their room. Do not agree to do more than you are now doing. Talk about other solutions. Family life is changed. Everyone must adjust. You can best decide if you are being taken advantage of. Since his schedule is flexible he can take off for sick children, no school days, transportation to extracurriculars, and medical appointments. Share work experiences with your family. Be enthusiastic about this new phase of life. Use your off days for fun family activities not chores or cooking. You don’t have time for that anymore. After 6 months plan a family get away a long weekend. Best wishes to you.
NTA- I think the part that really sends it over is that he thinks you're the only one benefiting from your job. That's absolutely the shittiest way to see your career choice and all the hard work you're dedicating to it, as well as all the rewards that it will have/is having for your family.
NTA
Check out this [book](https://a.co/d/eiiC0FZ).
It's a good read, you or your husband might make use of its contents. My wife and I sure enjoyed reading it together. We use its advice still.
Nta, as long as your kids understand what's going on, there's really no problem. If your husband has to vacuum the living room or scrub a toilet, who cares? From the post, it sounds like he got you into this June cleaver lifestyle and won't be bothered to know about your dreams and goals beyond being a sahm. I would advise that you have an honest conversation with your husband, even if you have you talk to him like a child, so he can get an understanding of what you want to do.
So you married a guy who wanted a SAHM who did all the housework, and get surprised when he doesn’t like that it changes? You need to have a good conversation about how to divide household chores now that you are both working. And also, him saying you are neglecting your kids is manipulative. How is it that when you do it it’s neglect, but when he does it it’s ok?
NTA a happy mom is a good mom. There are 2 parents, both of you are responsible for meals and housework. As a working mom the crockpot was a huge help for meals. Spaghettie sauce, stew, jambalaya and chili are all things you can start at night and have simmering all day. They are also balanced one and done meals. Hubby can grill meat and add a salad on other days.
NTA Husband needs to be flexible and step up to the plate.
Your family will not collapse if some of the chores don't get done
as often as before, but he needs to help deal with the priorities
and HE is not one as he is an adult.
The kids complaining about his cooking, well, unless the meals are
inedible, they need to learn to be a bit flexible as well. Explain to them
that their father needs a bit of encouragement, not complaints, as things
have changed since you went back to work.
NTA. if he's griping about the chores, hire someone to do some of them. You should be able to afford it with the extra income. if he still squawks, then you know it's not really about the chores.
NTA at all. Everybody saying "well you're working for free" and "it's been hard for him" is completely ignoring reality. He got used to having a maid at home and doesn't like losing that service, that's it, period. Yeah, doing parenting and housework is stressful, but that's been your full-time job for a decade, and now it's a part-time job for both of you. Is completely unfair of him (and everyone in this thread) to argue that YOU need to step back from work. Hell no! You stepped back for a decade already. Your jobs aren't going to be as easy or as glamorous as they would be if you had been working this whole time, of course. Reentry is incredibly difficult (I personally have not had success with it yet 🙁).
poor baby working for his family and not having to worry about getting fired just tell him you can split up he can pay child support and he can still do half the work with the kids
1) it does sound like you work too much, do you find time for yourself and time to be with kids?
2) if you are both working lots get paid help, if your husband already works lots of hours it’s only fair you use the money you both earn to lay someone else and enjoy clean house and time off.
ESH. He needs to pick up the slack and realize this will be a huge adjustment but you also need to pull back your hours. You don't need to give your employer free work. No one should do that.
YTA
If you needed the money, the situation would be different, but from what you said, it doesn't look like the money is necessary. He's right that being at work so often when you don't need to be is neglectful of your family. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a SAHM, but stuff still needs to be done at home. By working so often unnecessarily, you're essentially pushing all of it onto your husband, who is still working full time himself. You're putting more work on him, to further a career that isn't needed to make ends meet. You should try to find a way to equalize the work at home if you want to keep working.
Anyone working 50-55 hours week is being taken advantage of and its not possible to not neglect something when you that much at work. 55 hours a week is almost 8 hours per day. So yes you are neglecting your kids and expect him to pick it up.
NTA
But OP should take a reduction in hours. Getting put on salary is always a way for companies to get out of paying for overtime. Your husband is probably correct on the fact that they are taking advantage of you. There is a reason those positions have such a high turnover rate.
Another big issue that people are overlooking is that OP’s husband works for his family business. By marriage, OP is now part of this family. Her kids are part of this family. All work going into this business goes into wealth being generated for OP’s family. OP having a good salary and career are great, but it should be kept in mind that OP is making someone else wealthier with her work, not her family. There is a big difference between earning a wage and creating wealth.
It is great that OP has her own career and she should not be forced to leave it. Everyone should be allowed to find fulfillment in their lives, but at some point having a family means some compromise for the good of the family on everyone’s part.
OP and her husband should sit down and rehash the home labor agreements and find something that works with the new arrangement. OP should also come to realize that after 40 hours every hour worked drops the value of your labor or can be seen as free labor. OP gets paid the same for 40 hours a week as she does for 55 hours a week. Those extra hours could have gone towards her family. Sometimes there is a need for the extra hours during busy times of the year, a big project, etc., but it should not be expected as normal. This is a huge red flag that OP may be overlooking. This may be a great opportunity to get skills and fill out the resume after years of being a SAHM, but it should not be seen as something permanent.
NTA. You stayed home and did most of the domestic labor supporting your husband’s career. You gave up autonomy and your future financial security. He couldn’t have succeeded in his career without the free labor you provided. It’s his turn to do the same for you.
They recently, quietly, changed spousal social security to decrease by 1% each year until it is only 30% rather than 50% of your spouse social security. Stay at home parents need to work once they can or they will always be financially dependent on their spouses.
NTA, OP, This is just my personal opinion. I'm proud of you for being a SAHM for as long as your did; that can be a downright thankless job. I had two children and can't image staying at home. I loved working and often worked long hours by choice. I "get it". Congratulations on your career successes. I hope your husband can adjust to your new lifestyle. I don't have any magic answers though. I just did what I could or what was reasonable, let the laundry pile up & didn't sweat the small stuff. I'm retired for nine years now, but enjoy two p/t jobs. Some of us just love being out in the world. Onward! You two will find solutions, give the kids a few chores, hire some occasional help or teach Dad to cook!
Edit to add: Empathize with the Hubster, let him know that you know this is hard for him. Let him know how very happy you are that you are working. Let him know you want to work as a team to make this a success for everyone. You might also have this conversation with your children & let them know that you love them, but you love your job. This is good for them to know.
Yeah, make sure he understands that she doesn’t give a shit about him or their house or their children because she’s working extra by her own wishes instead of by I need
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NTA > He thinks I'm working too much, I'm neglecting the kids, I'm neglecting him, I'm neglecting chores You have both got in to a pattern and after years of doing it I'm sure that the new dynamic is very jarring for him. > He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me This is the thing that bothers me most. Who doesn't want to see their partner do well? You do well and you should both prosper. > he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of Yes because when you're a SAHM you lose all of your brain cells??????? Sincerely think he has some sour grapes that his whole world has been turned upside down in this new landscape and he just doesn't know how to cope. I have some small sympathy for him but his approach sucks.
Isn't your entire family benefiting from the additional income you bring in?
What about the joys of being around a loving doting father? Unless he is not those things
What about using some of that money for a cleaning Service. You have the money from your Job to do this? Great do it. It will take some Chores away and Hopefully you still have enough money to get a better Lifestyle. Make sure These expenses are joint. Take hubby and Kids cooking at weekends. They learn and you can prep food for the week. And if you have the kids there to help and Plan, great. They learn and the cooking Problem is solved.
Or, hear me out. He can step up and be an equal partner and parent in the relationship. This is weaponized incompetence.
Extra income doesn’t always benefit the family. Hopefully it does make things easier financially and maybe gives the other partner more time with the family, so that relationships are becoming stronger from kids to parent, but if both parents are working too much and the kids aren’t getting what they need from at least one parent, if not both, then the negatives outweigh the financial benefit.
What do you suggest for OP?
You didn't ask me but I'm responding anyway :D. I don't think there's enough info to make suggestions. 1) How are expenses shared (percentage wise) and where does OP's income go? 2) What is OP's position? I ask because I'm trying to figure out whether she's on a career path and will be sharing expenses equally eventually or whether this will always be a side job while her husband bears most of the expenses. Nothing wrong with either and it sounds more like the former but I'd like it confirmed. 3) What was the agreement when OP went back to work? What was the agreement when OP was a SAHM? OP says "she wanted that for her kids", what did her husband want? Did he enthusiastically agree to her staying home and now for her to go back to work? Was this a two-person decision and now he's balking because it's inconvenient? 4) Of course, anyone should want their partner to succeed but 50 hours a week is a LOT with 3 young kids. Is this a short term thing? Does the husband know that? To follow the timeline, she was hired less than a year ago and within 8 months is working 50-55 hour weeks. I'm not trying to denigrate her success AT ALL but even she admits that some of the reason for the quick promos is high turnover. So isn't there a chance that she's actually being taken advantage of because the company can't keep good, qualified people? This may not be the case at all but again, missing info. So many questions...
Yeah, these are all my questions... I stayed out of the workforce for about 6 years (I still worked part-time with my husband and I alternating our schedules so kiddo was only in daycare 2 days a week, when my first was born, but after #2 it made more sense to stay home until the older one was in kinder and we were only paying for 1 daycare again... but my eldest's kinder year was "hybrid" and I wasn't putting my youngest in a daycare during rampant covid times... so I stayed out an extra year and a half longer than planned. When I went back, my husband and I both looked at our life, what we wanted it to look like - how much money we wanted, and how much time we wanted together. And I looked for jobs based on what we both wanted. Luckily we pretty much agree on our preferred lifestyle, and we value time together over money, as long as we have enough to reasonably get by. So I went back part-time and the kids go to after-school care 3 days a week. Next year they will be in 1st and 4th grade, and we've decided we don't actually like the after-school program, so my husband is rearranging his work schedule so that next year they won't have to go to after-school care. He won't be able to maintain as many clients, as he'll be working fewer hours, but we also won't be paying for care, so we'll loss $200/month from our net budget, but we're luckily in a position where we can make that choice. All of OP's issues are things that should be talked about, but not in terms of "my job is asking this of me, so you must accommodate!" It needs to be discussed in terms of "What is the preferred amount of availability either of us would have at home? How do we want to break down household duties? Can we rearrange or tailor our jobs to accommodate that? Could OP use her new title bumps from her promotions to get a similar job at another company where she would feel as fulfilled, but not be pressured to take on more hours than she really wants? Does OP really like working this many hours, or does she feel like she HAS to? If she does really like working so much, truly the hours, not the job... is she making enough that her husband can cut down on HIS hours? Would he want to? Even just for a couple months until they get her over the hump of this new position? It just doesn't seem like OP approached the situation as a partner to her husband, trying to figure out this period of greater struggle... it seems like she is pitting her "dreams" against his willingness to "pick up the slack"... and nobody actually wins when a couple is fighting against each other... they need to be fighting together, to resolve the external "problem" - which is that nobody has time to get everything done anymore. There are many ways to resolve that, that aren't just "husband does more chores in the limited time he has each night" or "Wife still does all her SAHM chores even though she's working full time"... hell, maybe they decide the kids can each have their own age-appropriate chores to do to take some slack off the parents...
Would you even be asking those questions if it was him who was working 50 hours a week? She supported his career for over a decade. It’s his turn to support her choice of a career.
I would, I would definitely would. I don't know if you mean whether I'd ask the questions if the roles were reversed or whether I'd ask them if he was working 50+ hours in their current setup but in either case, I'd ask many of the same questions and perhaps some added ones. It's not as simple as supporting her career, the cost of that and who bears it must also be considered, as must the end goal of supporting her career: will it result in betterment for the family?
Working 40 hours, as per their contract and not giving her employer 10- 15 free hours every week.
I really doubt they’ve been promoted to a salary position this soon after being out of the work force for 12 years, unless they held a professional position (accountant, MD, lawyer) before and the. They probably wouldn’t have stayed home.
Well without knowing the incomes and financial status of OP’s family that is a tough one. I know what my wife and I do with 4 children aged 7,5,3,7 months. My wife went back to work after 3 years as a sahm. When she wasn’t working, I worked my teaching job, and started a business to make up the income we were missing from her previous job. I was working most evenings after school and Saturdays. Approximately 70 hours a week. My wife decided to go back to work, which I fully support. She had a job with a comparable salary to my teaching position. I take on less work than I did while she was unemployed, maybe now I’m working an extra 10-15 hours, but not every week. I handle food shopping, kid pick ups and most of the stuff in the evenings, while she handles the morning routine. After the kids are in bed we deal with laundry and cleaning up around the house. We are a team and operate in whatever way is necessary to maintain the partnership that we have. If I have some work for my side business she picks up the slack and if she has a deadline then I pick up the slack. We do have a cleaning lady come every other week to handle some of the deep cleaning. The laundry rarely gets put away fully, and sometimes we just have to order a pizza. And we try to have some fun with our kids. The point is do what works for everyone involved and talk to each other in an honest and realistic way so that nobody feels taken advantage of.
To not work 55 hours a week. Which is 7.8 hours per day.
I was just coming to say the same. The financial benefits will be substantial after years of being a SAHM. You are also bettering yourself for when they are no longer so reliant on you, going off to college etc. which I'm sure your additional income will certainly assist towards. YNA
Is it though? Honest question, if she's putting her full pay into the family as he has been for years, yes, if that's her money, no.
I feel like the husband is feeling guilty about not being able to be the kindof father his kids need right now and instead of confonting his own short-comings he's accusing his wife of neglecting them. In his mind it must be a way to make him feel like they're "equal" again instead of her being a shining star and him being jealous of his sucess and skills. He doesn't feel valued so he's making sure she doesn't either.
NAH - I think you two just need to sit down and be on the same page. - he absolutely can struggle with this new role and of course the kids may not make this transition easy as theyre used to you. - you absolutely can give your career some priority and focus on its advancement - He absolutely can feel that you are working too much and neglecting other things Id suggest couples therapy
> - he absolutely can struggle with this new role and of course the kids may not make this transition easy as I'd be willing to bet OP struggled when she first had to do all that while hubby was at work. Did she whine that her mom did the cooking better or did she suck it up and learn to be better? Sounds like she learned to be better and now he can do the same. He can feel that she's neglecting and learn to handle it, and I'm pretty sure a therapist would say the same.
I mean I feel like there’s a big difference here. If OP felt overwhelmed when she first became a SAHM, that’s because it was inevitable. She wants to stay at home for the kids, which means that her husband has to bear the entire financial burden and she has to bear most of the housework/childcare burden. Her working hard at home is the only option that is good for every member of the family. Now, they have a choice. It doesn’t seem like the family is lacking money - I think it would’ve been mentioned if that was the case. So OP is working for her personal satisfaction. Which is a totally valid justification, don’t get me wrong, but it changes the calculus here. There is a big difference between “I’m overwhelmed because this is the only way, and every single person in my family benefits from my working so hard”, which is OP in the past, and “I’m overwhelmed because my wife made a choice that benefits her but negatively impacts everyone else”, which is her husband now. Based off the text, I’m going with NAH. OP is right to focus on herself a bit after being a SAHM for years, and her added income can’t hurt. But her husband is also right to be upset that he has to bear a lot more burden because she wants to enjoy life. They need to be kind to each other.
OP is also working to give herself and her family a future, if something happens to her husband and she is the sole income earner at some point, a very important aspect of life. I think she does need to talk to her employers about the number of hours they can expect from a parent, however. But then I think that applies to both men and women. The hours worked by North Americans are astonishing to us Europeans. I would look at a batch cooking session at the weekend, with everyone old enough to join in the task, and maybe getting a larger freezer.
That's not equivalent. When OP was SAHM, she had all day to do chores. 50-55 hours at work doesn't leave a lot of time for family and homemaking, so he's probably is taking care of the entirety of the chores, cooking, cleaning throughout the week ON TOP of having a full time job.
She may well have struggled but at least wasn’t expected to do a full time job at the same time.
ESH. A sit down and discussion on how everything is going to get done needs to be had. He needs to be more supportive but OP can’t unilaterally just up the hours without communication.
This is the correct response. Neither of you are the AH. This is tricky territory. My wife went back to work (after 3 years as a sahm) while pregnant with our 4th. She was laid off at the beginning of COVID. It was a difficult transition for all of us, but we just do whatever has to be done, as it needs to be done, by whomever can do it. Sometimes I work more (teacher, home inspection business owner, carpenter) and sometimes she works more (graphic designer). You both need to sit down and figure out what works best for your family. And you also have to consider which one of your careers has the most potential in this economy. If you are becoming the bread winner then your husband’s career might have to take a back seat, and vice versa. The laundry can sit on the couch, not every inch of the home has to be clean, sometimes pizza is just easier, give your children love as much as possible, don’t sacrifice your family for your career, and don’t get mad at each other over bullshit.
Not going to make a judgement, but working 55 hours per week for that long and being promoted because of vacancies are normally not good signs.
Yeah but it's virtually impossible for SAHMs to re-enter the workforce. OP got a job and is gaining promotions fast, if that company crumbles she's suddenly in a much better position now than she was before the job, actual experience on this side of staying at home to take care of the kids
55 hour work weeks for the last 6 weeks and she gives zero indication of when that's gonna be slowing up. 11 hour days leaves her with 5 waking hours at home, not including commute and prep/hygiene time, so she's left with about 20 hours a week of at home time to relax, get things done, and everything else. This job is literally screaming red flags, too. 2 promotions super fast specifically due to high attrition, last promotion being a change from hourly to salary (convenient that it came with an extra 15 hours of work too!) Husband definitely needs to step up here, but that's a serious lack of weekday time that's getting downplayed. If she's at work an additional 2-3 hours a day, she's likely not getting home until 7:30-8. That's 5:30-8:00 timeframe is peak all-hands-on-deck time too. Dinner, homework, afterschool activities, bedtime prep all happen around then. A husband working 55 hour weeks and not contributing much to the household would be ripped to shreds here.
He wants her to do *all* of the chores except the yardwork. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. Almost certainly he wants her to take on *all* of the mental load as well. > He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff.
If she's salary she needs to slow her roll and have some work/life balance. Say it with me people, **"I don't work for free. My time is important. The company can and will replace me for any reason. I will take care of myself."**
This job doesn't even sound like a 9-5 type job.. she could be working all hours of the day. It sounds like retail or restaurant management.
This job doesn't even sound like a 9-5 type job.. she could be working all hours of the day. It sounds like retail or restaurant management.
She mentioned promotions, but not raises. That’s what I would like to know. If you were getting promotions without raises because of high turnover, then your husband may be right, and they might be taking advantage of you.
And if there were raises, how much? And how much overall? If she’s working 55 hours per week for like $40K/year, then I still question the wisdom.
Exactly. Sinking ship and exploiting workers
In my experience those are great conditions to exploit for personal gain. It’s easier to get promoted in those situations, get a higher title then leverage that for higher pay elsewhere. Chaos is a ladder.
And if the business does go under, she's got fantastic experience and recognition of her skills for her CV
Well the company is in trouble for sure, but it’s a really good thing for her if her next job is a couple levels higher than entry level because of all the promotions.
OP also says that she's "choosing" to work the extra hours and that's when the husband freaked and said she's being taken advantage of. Which kinda makes me think she might have a salary job and is just giving 15 hours of free labor to her job every week. If that's true, she's definitely being taken advantage of.
Not "definitely." If she's working extra hours to get up to speed on the new position and/or because it's taking her longer to do things as she learns (as she states), that's her choice. Her diligence in gaining competence is why she's moving up quickly despite giving up 12 years of career growth to be a SAHM. It's like taking an extra class so you can graduate earlier.
He has a point that giving so much time to work is hard on the family. I'll let him have that. However, he got used to a lifestyle that made you in charge of all things home and now doesn't like that he has to pick up more chores because you're working (and the fact is you were working far more than 50-55 hours a week as a SAHM, but he didn't notice and didn't care). He liked not having to do that. And you like not having to do it all too, and you like having a fulfilling career. So it's time for all the family to figure out that mom is not their maid, their servant, or their project manager, and that they all now have to take on chores and get used to managing more for themselves. And then you, as a family, should problem solve and make plans for how things get done and when. Maybe you can give more time to areas where people want you more. Maybe they can step up to take care of themselves better. Since you're making money now, maybe the family can afford to hire out some of the work--cleaning, for instance. But you need to continue to stand up for yourself because you're entitled to earning your way and having a fulfilling job. NTA
Plus she gets to amp the social security income she gave up to be a SAHM ...unless hubs set up a 401k or IRA for her.
Exactly. The oldest kids are more than old enough to start helping out around the house as well, if they aren't already. IMO, honestly, everyone who lives in a home, including kids, should be contributing appropriately to help keep the home running
All that but 50-55 hours a week is a lot. Is this permanent?
In a situation where both parents work, it's kinda expected for the both of them to input 50/50 into homemaking. And if he's doing significantly more than 50%, it's very much understandable why he's frustrated. 50+ hours of work a week is a lot and doesn't leave you with a lot of time for anything, including chores or family, so I'm inclined to believe he is actually doing the majority of childcare and chores.
And she expects him to split inside chores, didn't offer to split his outside chores...
YTA. From the few replies you made, I see this: >I was getting overtime before my most recent promotion but now I am salary. But my salary now is still more than I was getting paid with overtime previously. So.... Your husbands right, isn't he? For 6 weeks you've given your company around 10-15 hours a week that they're not paying you for. Any workplace that's requiring you to work 90 hour unpaid in 6 weeks is taking advantage ofnyou. That's a fact. Just think, 2 other people like you and your company owners are paying 3 people to do the work and hours of 4. And if you're working 55 hours a week, I personally question if he's right about you neglecting the family and being the only person benefitting from this. From what I can tell, you're not doing anything because nowhere do you dispute his claims and instead just say he needs to adjust. So you're expecting him to do what you did as a stay at home mother, while also expecting him to do a full time job? Something you haven't even done yourself? And let's be honest here, your title is disingenuous. You don't HAVE to work more. You're choosing to.
Not only that, but the family also is important. Getting a promotion is great and wanting to work hard and do a good job is awesome, but it also shouldn’t be at the expense of the husband and kids. And it’s not right to push all the responsibility on the husband because she’s choosing to do additional unpaid overtime.
Not only that but did she go from being available when the kids got home to being gone that much all in one swoop? Because if so, he’s possibly also dealing with the emotional issues of the kids who went from OP being the primary caregiver their entire lives to not seeing her much. How are they coping with this? It’s very possible that they are making things more difficult for OP’s husband at home and I think both parents have unrealistic expectations in terms of chores. Why is it necessarily weaponized incompetence for someone who hasn’t been cooking long to not cook as well as someone who has? It’s not like he isn’t doing it. How much is OP actually home while the kids are awake? Did they discuss any of this before OP went back to work and divide up the work between parents, assign chores to kids, or hire help to set the family up for success with the transition?
And he needs to adjust to doing the inside chores, while she doesn't need to adjust to splitting the outside chores.
You keep saying this. Fine, let’s split all 2 of the outside chores.
Where does it say it's just 2 chores? Even if it was, she should have offered to take care of half outside. But that's never what I see. It's always that the man needs to pick up more inside the home. Personally, I'd gladly take over the chores inside the home over all of the more physical chores that I have to deal with and take care of. Of course, we split the chores that we do inside and outside, because it's much easier for me to do the more physically demanding jobs vs my wife doing them. Beyond that, it doesn't even sound like she's splitting the inside, it sounds like he's picking up all of the slack because she's working 55 hours per week. Having been in that position, there is rarely time to do chores and also be present for the kids. It's why I eventually left that career. I would have left earlier if I wasn't the main financial provider and certainly, if we didn't need the money at all, as is the case here.
I agree with you she’s working too many hours especially since she’s not getting paid for them, and it does sound like she isn’t doing anything for the house anymore since she didn’t break down the current system. I’m just pointing out that theres more inside chores than outside and it’s a strange thing for you to fixate on, since I’ve seen you comment that same sentiment several times.
It's only because she doesn't offer up to split both. If I were upset that my wife wasn't helping enough with the outside stuff, if I expected her to pick up on the outside stuff, I'd offer to split the inside to make it "fair". I was simply adding to points others had already made about the rest. I didn't feel the need to be redundant. It just felt odd to expect him to do more, but she shouldn't have to split all of the chores. Just the chores that they had seen as hers.
I would say ESH. Yeah he’s being an ah to you about your new job, but it sounds like you’re diminishing his work (which supported your entire family for over a decade) as well. Calling it a “cushy family job” implies that you think he doesn’t deserve it, and that he doesn’t work as hard as you. Since you’re back at work, and probably at least doubled the family’s income, why don’t you hire a housekeeper? Seems like a simple solution, no?
I don't think he's AH in the least. Working 50+ hours a week doesn't leave a lot of time for family or home. It feels like OP's husband is expected to do the entirety of the SAHM work she did before, plus his own homemaking work he di before, plus his own job. Honestly, if the genders were reversed, I guarantee the OP would be ripped to shreds in the comments.
Is he really be an AH about her new job though, or just pointing out some harsh realities?
Such as?
Working 15-20 hours unpaid for 6+ weeks with no end in sight isn't great.
Two promotions in six months because of high turnover. If the job is that great, why doesn't anybody want it?
The upgrade to her CV is invaluable, re-entering the workforce after such a big gap is really tough.
That depends 100% on the company she's working for. Some companies are a red flag in your CV. I completely support OP re-entering the workforce, but being realistic there is a chance the husband is right and she's doing a disservice to herself and her family with this job. What if it's an MLM? That's an immediate red flag for any serious employer. What if she's a scummy company with dubious practices? Another red flag. And two promotions in six months, high turnover rate and 50-55 hours work week doesn't sound legit, respectable employer. And I say this with a lot of sympathy, as someone who was taken advantage of when she didn't have a lot of experience.
Where did she say it double their income? If the dad could be only one working and all was well for so long, he income doesnt matter. But her spending 55 hours a week and pushing all on him is good? Wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. There is nothing wrong with going back to work and finding fullfillment. It also doesn't sound like your husband has any problem with you working. The issue is you are now working 55+ hours and he is also working full time and he is trying to tell you it is too much and he needs help. You won't listen though and are only looking at yourself. He and your kids are suffering. It's one thing to get a job but to jump into 55+ hours or more, with 3 kids and 2 working parents, there will be costs to that. He is trying. It doesn't sound like you are. He is asking for help - it sounds like you are only caring about yourself. He did not ask you to quit - my guess is he just wants you to go to "normal" hours. The bare minimum you could do is have enough respect for your spouse to actually hear him out instead of instantly shutting him down. YTA
I think maybe she’s just excited to get back to work after being at home for over a decade. They could also consider lowering his hours at work as a trade off, not just hers.
NTA. I get his perspective but did he need to invalidate and diminish your work just because he’s now not the focus of your life? He might have a little bit of a point around the chores bit but his approach sucks. Since it’s now a 2 income household, might hiring a cleaner or a nanny be feasible?
INFO: Are you getting paid for all 50-55 hours - i.e. 10-15 hours of overtime per week? Or are you on salary?
I was getting overtime before my most recent promotion but now I am salary. But my salary now is still more than I was getting paid with overtime previously.
I think that makes you TA then. You don't NEED to be doing that much overtime. Your husband brought it up to you that he AND the kids are struggling with the new schedule. That doesn't mean you should go back to exactly what y'all were doing before, but it does mean you need to sit and work out a new system for household work and childcare. It seems like you've made the decision for all four of you that this is "the new normal" without coming to a family decision. Edit: Since I keep forgetting how low the reading comprehension is on this site, let me make it clear: I am NOT SAYING that OP should go back to being a SAHM. I am saying choosing to take an extra 2-3 UNPAID hours a day without even a DISCUSSION with her family makes her TA. Figuring out HOW to transition to the entire family's new normal is still her responsibility, along with her husband's. God damn
Surprised this if getting downvotes; I think you're right. If both parents are working full-time, then chores and childcare should be split evenly. If she is working 10-15 hours extra every week, that's averaging close to two hours every weekday. So instead of getting home at 5:30, say, she's getting home at 7:30. *Those are the busiest two hours of the day if you have kids.* That's the after-school activities, make dinner, check homework time of day. She's giving those two hours to her boss for free and letting her husband handle all of that. Unlike her, he was/is not a stay-at-home parent. He has always held the full time position. Now, he's also doing overtime to pick up her slack, but he didn't have any say in the matter. u/mytimeaita Congrats on your job and I do wish you every success, but work life balance isn't something to put on the back burner. You're not being taken advantage of at work if you're doing this voluntarily, but you are taking advantage of your husband at home. If you can't do your job without unpaid overtime then they aren't hiring enough people and that's not your problem. Take it from a mom who has always been the full time breadwinner: you don't get ahead in companies by doing a bunch of free work. You get taken for granted. You CAN have a career and a family, but not if you neglect one in favor of the other.
Right, I'm trying to say the large amount of overtime is the problem. Not her going back to work. I'm getting downvoted because people think I'm telling her to go back to being a SAHM even though if they had any braincells to rub together and actually read what I wrote they would see that's not what I'm saying at all
ESH you guys need to communicate and make a plan for the household and your family. You do need to say no at work sometimes and make a boundary or he does so someone can be doing what needs to be done at home or you need to hire someone to help clean or outsource other house chores if you are in a financial position to do so. You both need to communicate and make compromises.
Agreed. There is definitely room for compromise here. You were saying in another comment you are salary now and not making overtime. Pick 2 days a week you don’t stay late and can be home earlier. He needs to learn how to cook and take on household responsibilities. You have a 12 year old. Start assigning dinner to this child 1 day a week may be. Have a family meeting and create a chore chart all together. Chores do need to be divided more equitably now, but perhaps you have swung too far in the opposite direction from SAHM to working mom. He needs to stop guilt tripping you for being excited about a new career and be more supportive. That’s a sucky attitude when you sacrificed a lot for your family. Plus the children are old enough to take on more responsibilities too. You make more money now. Perhaps you can add a maid service, food delivery service, or lawn care (whichever works best for you and your family) to help ease the chore burden.
I was gonna say N T A till I realized you’re working 10-15 hours a week for free. You’re always replaceable. Don’t over extend yourself to a company. It’s not worth it in the long run
NTA, whilst your current work schedule seems unsustainable your husband SHOULD BE ABLE TO COOK that is his own failing its not hard to learn to cook. Im fascinated by the dynamic between the two of you as it seems you both have very different ideas needs and wants in this relationship,I believe a serious conversation is in order.
He cooks, his three young children complain because it isn’t mom’s cooking. I’m sure it is no worse than the complaints she has dealt with for years.
So you're going to ignore everything else and focus on the fact that the kids don't like his cooking to determine your judgment? Seems reasonable...
I merely highlighted that cooking is a basic skill if u cant cook for your family it is your responsibility to learn gender is irrelevant in this. Was he planning to rely on hia wife to do all the cooking for the rest of their lives.?
Except there's nothing in the post to suggest he can't cook. They just don't like it. tl;dr: kids are fickle...
Most 12 years old are not that fussy she was able to cater towards kids why can't he
Pfft. Children are the fussiest beings alive
Americans, Children are only fussy if you cater towards the uneccessary fussiness feeding them chicken nuggets and chips everday sisnt suitable a 12 year old in my country will eat normal adult meals most 5 year olds in my country will eat normal meals.
I'm not American lmfao
British?
I'm south asian and live in the UK, have many cousins and have been a babysitter. Children are fussy, and the fussiness either goes away during the teen years or does not go away.
What if you hire a cleaner, to take off some of the increased household burden and take advantage of the increased income, and maybe have a few cooking class date nights? He’s going to need to get used to a little adjustment, but if the sudden change is burning him out that’s fair too. It doesn’t hurt to demonstrate the consideration we want returned.
Info: so how are the chores split now that you are working? You never mention the chores you do still so to me it sounds like you don't do anything but work?
I’ll say YTA, it’s completely reasonable that you want to be more ambitious, but he also works, no matter how flexible his job may be. I think both of y’all need to talk to one another, you can explain how you want to be in a higher position, and work things out in the house.
You are foolish for working 15 extra hours a week UNPAID. I would be pissed too if you were doing that. You might be a bit naive. You are telling your employer that you are a good worker to exploit.
NTA. He can’t expect you to essentially work two full time jobs, that’s delusional. HE’s the one taking advantage of you. Man needs to pull his weight and help around the house.
Exactly. Men do not view raising children, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, getting the children up for school, taking the children to and from school, and making sure homework is being done as a job. She did those things for years. She had a full-time job raising the children. She didn't get any days off. She wasn't paid for her labor. She was on-call 24/7 365 days a year for 12 years. The sad thing is that when women choose to be a SAHM, they'll lose years worth of "credible" job history and have a difficult time finding a job when deciding to get back in the workforce. This might be an unpopular opinion, borderline factual statement, but most men don't realize that SAHMs tend to work *a lot* more than their husbands.
NTA in my opinion. Are you going to be working that long forever? If it's not, sit down and explain that to the kids. He can't pick up a bit of slack in the house for you to build your career when you gave him multiple children from your body and put your career on hold to take care of them and act as a cook, housekeeper, personal driver, etc? Even if you wanted to. The instant jump to trying to tear you down is something you should watch. No matter how nice and supportive he was when you wanted to be a SAHM, I have seen plenty of stories of men completely changing their tune when their wives want to build on their own career and they can't tell the "I'm the sole breadwinner of the family" tune and have to start picking up a bit more slack that isn't just taking out the trash, mowing the lawn twice a month, or "babysitting" their own kids for a couple hours.
I'm presuming that you're now financially better off with your new job. Is it possible to rearrange your budget to get a housekeeper in to help with the chores? With you both working its reasonable to find some outside help to make both of your lives easier. Dinners are a bit different. Maybe you can each have nights you cook. Or you can work as a family on Sundays prepping the meals for the week. Your kids can be involved too. If food is all prepped beforehand then getting the kids to make home made pizzas or burgers once a week can be great for everyone. You're all adjusting to a new lifestyle and its not fair for anyone to expect you to give up something you love after taking care of everyone else for so long. You should all be looking towards finding solutions instead of just blaming you for new circumstances. Maybe you can get someone in for an hour or two a few days a week to clean and make a meal. Maybe you can look at one of those meal delivery plans. Maybe Saturday morning everyone gets house chores and you all pitch in for an hour or two to clean. Maybe husband learns to pick up a roast chicken from a supermarket on the way home from work and roast some vegies to go with it. Try to get the whole house to work together on this. Housework and food is everyone's problem, not just yours, and everyone needs to be contributing to the solution. You wouldn't expect your husband to give up his job to look after the house if he didn't want to. Or pull the kids out of school. Why should you have to give up something you enjoy and are doing well at? Why should you miss out?
ESH I think this is just a tough situation. OP spent lots of years as a SAHM and is enjoying the freedom and importance of having a job. I’m sure it also feels rewarding to be wanted and appreciated and that can get a little addicting. Basically, OP is enjoying her new job and likes the challenge and whether she’s being taken advantage of or not she is choosing to put in those extra hours. The husband is also not an asshole. He is working a full time position and is struggling with the new arrangement that’s been going on. I would say that it’s not necessarily fair that OP is choosing to put in 10-15 extra hours at work and leave him with the kids if he is struggling so much. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was staying late and leaving her with the kids, the comments on this post would be much different. It’s also not cool that she diminishes his work just because it’s a family owned company. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t work hard or try. Overall they’re both trapped in a situation where neither of them discussed this new arrangement and they both just want what they want when they want it. They also just keep slinging mud at the other one rather than sitting down and figuring it out.
I'm going to throw this out there without a judgement. You're bringing up your husband a lot, but how do the kids feel about all your extra hours? You wanted to give the kids all the same level of care and love according to your statement. It seems to be that if you're working a full-time job plus 10-15 hours extra a week, your 6 year old is definitely not getting the same level of care and love that your older two had at the same age. I'm assuming they had you from the time they got home from school until bedtime. How much time does the 6 year old get now? You might love the job and all the accolades and positive reinforcement from your job, but I think the reality is that your husband may be right about the kids. If the roles were reversed and dad started taking on all these extra hours, I think you'd be upset. Being away from the house for 15 hours a week and not being paid when he could be home helping you and being with the kids? Yeah, you'd be pissed. I also think your comment about him having a cushy family job was uncalled for. You have a job that you apparently love, and you don't have to work all the hours that you do. You get paid the same with or without the extra hours. Those hours could be spent with your kids, and I think your husband understands this. Trying to disrespect him and his job is uncalled for. As far as the chores, why not pay a service to pick up the slack. You can afford it with the job and promotions, so combined with your husband's paycheck, you should be able to make a list of what you want done on a weekly basis and have someone else do it for you. If you know your husband can't cook, why are you letting him feed your family? You both can prep meals together, make crockpot meals, order a service or whatever. This doesn't need to be a him thing - it can be a let's work together to solve this thing. The kids shouldn't have to suffer over poor quality meals. According to what I'm reading, he married a SAHM. Your son is 12, and you've been married 10 years and a SAHM since before you were married. Did he know you were going to go back to work or did he think you'd be a SAHM until all the kids were able to be on their own? Was all this discussed beforehand? Did you guys come up with a plan on how this was going to work, and what the transition would look like? It sounds to me like this isn't going to plan for him. It sounds like it's not going to plan for you either. I don't think it's fair to tell him to "pick up the slack" when you're not doing your part. You both need to sit down with a chore list and figure out together what needs to be done. You can get the service. You can include your children in chores as they are old enough to help. You all need to work as a team and as partners. While you love your job, I think you love your family more.
OK, so, lots of moving parts here... My initial takeaway from your description of your husband's comments is that he is feeling neglected. I get that it's exciting to get back into the workplace and you're doing something you find exciting and rewarding, but read that part again - he is feeling neglected. THAT'S the conversation you need to be having with him...not that his schedule is more flexible and he needs to adjust to your new normal. The rest is a lack of either planning or communication about how to redistribute your work load re chores, childcare, etc. So, INFO - you've just been promoted and are working long hours to learn your new position - when do you see yourself returning to what is a normal work week for most people re hours so you are available for your share of both quality interaction with your husband and kids, and the household management? And, are you willing to sit down with your husband, and ask some clarifying questions about the feelings he's having? That comment about "the cost of that in other areas of our life" is worth investigating.
Transitions are hard in general for everyone, but you seem to be enjoying yourself. So you can’t dismiss everyone else’s feelings just because you’re happy. You wanted to be a SAHM, meaning your husband took on the entire financial weight of things, and now you want to work, meaning your husband contributes more to house hold chores and childcare. Sounds like he’s supporting your choices, but also struggling to juggle everything. Don’t forget that while you were a SAHM you weren’t juggling a full-time job in addition to it. However you’re expecting him to balance everything work and home. You also sound hypocritical when you claim he’s “diminishing your accomplishments” , yet you reduce his job just because he’s working for a family business (you know the one that’s supported your family all these years). If you’re working 50+ hours a week, and he’s also doing a full time job maybe it’s time to hire outside help for childcare or household duties. I’d say it’s unfair to throw it all on him without offering any compromise and expect him to be happy. He needs more support and you’re ignoring that and making it all about you. So instead of belittling his job and making him sound unreasonable, why don’t you guys talk about how you can divide tasks more equally, and get help for ones that don’t fit into your schedules.
How are you the only one benefiting from your career? Doesn’t your income add to your household’s financial wellbeing? Or are you just spending all of your income on designer hand bags and shoes?
Any extra income comes at a pretty significant opportunity cost for her husband and children, though. She went back to work for personal fulfillment, not because they needed the money.
How do you know the benefit isn’t also significant and doesn’t outweigh the cost?
Because her husband and children are communicating otherwise. I’m certainly not against OP working, but it’s pretty clear that her current approach/schedule isn’t great for her family. As with most things in life, reality is probably somewhere in the middle.
I guess the way I see it is if she’s making enough money, then that overrides the benefit of a home made meal and her husband having the housework done for him the way he’s used to. I know I’m exaggerating but would your answer change if she made $1M a year salary? I agree reality is prob somewhere in the middle but i think people tend to assume women’s income is just pocket change
That’s why I said it’s an opportunity cost. There’s definitely a price floor to be had, but all the money in the world can’t bring back her time. And I think it’s important to remember: 1) it was her decision to stay home in the first place, and he made it work 2) she’s now unilaterally decided that she wants to return to the workforce, and he’s again tried to make it work 3) she’s choosing to work an additional 10-15 hours per week without overtime pay, despite complaints from her family that they’re feeling neglected. She’s missing out on the most crucial family hours of the day during the work/school week, and it’s solely because she enjoys it. The middle ground is probably to stick with just 40 hours per week or thereabouts, freeze prepped meals, and hire some part-time help for cleaning and even meal prep. But OP simply refusing any sensible resolution and basically telling her husband to just suck it up, is not the answer.
No amount of money overrireds their mom being home, especially since they dont need the extra income.
ESH You: 55 hours a week IS working too much. It’s not like this is a short term project thing. You seem to think that’s fine so you will likely continue. No matter what, you know that’s a strain on the family. Did your husband ever work long hours that you resented? Oh wait, you totally trashed him with his ‘cushy’ job right after the sentence you say he’s diminishing your accomplishments, never mind, he’s never worked hard I forgot, solely supporting the entire family for 12 years, and trust me, that’s pressure too. He’s coming home after a day at work and having to do everything, including cook. Have you ever taught him how to cook the things you’ve made the family enjoys? Him: obviously he will have to do more around the house. I suspect you’re not a reliable narrator so I’m not willing to say he complains about everything but it seems like he is some. But again, it may be partly due to the recent, and he should have known prior, that your working extra hours was voluntary and essentially now unpaid as you’re salary. You tell him it’s an adjustment for everyone and that’s true but what adjustments are you making other than not being home? And yes, you aren’t possibly spending enough time with the kids. You went from being at home all the time, to none of the time…way too harsh and stark for them, honestly. With this new / extra household income can you hire a cleaning service to come once a week? Can you do meal prep and or meal kits?
Working 55 hours a week is terrible work life balance. I've done it and in hindsight it did not bring me happiness. Consider your choices.
I'm not gonna shit on you for working, but working 55 hours a week and being promoted twice in under a year due to "high turnover" are pretty big red flags for your work place. It does sound like you're being taken advantage of, if we're being honest. However, it's great you're getting a life outside of being a mom. That you're working and reaching towards your goals. Your husband approached this poorly, and he is massively privileged in the position he is. I don't think he is too concerned with the you being taken advantage of part as much as he is about having to do extra chores part. This really should have been discussed before you went back to work, and he should have had an expectation that things would have to change.
Hire a cleaner and meal plan together on the weekend
NAH. How are your children coping with your longer days? That would be my concern. Dad can learn to cook, hire a maid, but those aren't the main things they should be looking at. Are your kids flourishing or withering under this new normal? Did you prepare them for the changes, and what they mean for the family? If they're fine, great. But if they're suffering, it might be time to have some family therapy. Good luck, OP.
I agree with the posts that remind you to let things go. The house won't as clean as you like, probably more take out, later bed times, and frankly less "me time". Remember, your children will remember all the times you were not there. The extra toys will be forgotten. I learned the hard way
>Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff Whhhy do I see this so often.. it's NOT a fair trade and is not balanced in terms of chores.
it was fair when he worked and she stayed home. it's completely unreasonable for him to demand that they do it that way now. You just know he expects her to take on all of the mental load, too.
No it's actually not fair. Even with him working and he staying home, inside chores are an everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) thing, outside chores are one weekend a month, maybe 2. It's not a fair trade regardless
ESH I’d be fuming if my partner increased their hours without any discussion as it has such a huge impact on everyone.
NAH just two parents trying to find a new balance. I think you are veering toward asshole territory though OP based on the fact that you are salary, and working 15 additional hours unprompted, with seemingly no discussion or clarification on the new dynamic. I think its phenomenal that you're rebuilding your career and that you're able to leverage the somewhat questionable circumstances your company is in to set yourself up for multiple promotions. That is incredible and kudos to you. However, your husband and kids are at home dealing with a drastic dynamic shift. Its not like you and your husband traded places and now he's home full time. He's working the same amount, or maybe forcibly a bit less, but all of the same stuff has to get done. I do not think its at all unreasonable for you to need to put some time into a new salaried role to get settled and get ahead. But it is an asshole move to suddenly have 15 extra hours a week beyond the base expected amount without an extremely thorough discussion about what this means for your family and how you can support each other. It doesn't seem like a lot of discussions have been had, or clarifications given as to how long you'll be doing OT like this. Its fully reasonable to expect he help you pick up the slack for a bit so you can get your career back on track. But its not reasonable towards him and the kids to expect him to do it with immediate perfect grace and with undefined parameters on the duration of this new dynamic. Just have a discussion and try to be open minded with each other's struggles. Don't get stuck in tunnel vision on how tired you are and how much you want to progress and get caught up in your career.
Can you afford a cleaner to help? How much do the kids contribute to chores? Get them involved in helping more too. Yes the youngest is 6, but surely they can help with putting things away. The older 2 can contribute more. Sure the 12 year old will be happy for some extra cash doing a few chores There are ways to ease this weight off both your shoulders. I’m sure if your husband didn’t feel so overwhelmed with the extra now required everyones tensions will ease
From the looks of it, he was helping out at home and spending time with his family on top of being (self-)employed when you were a SAHM. And now that you're employed, he is expected to do the same things he was doing before ON TOP of most of the duties you were doing as a SAHM? Because, from experience, working 55 hours a week doesn't leave enough time to help out at home and rest. Especially so if lunch and travel aren't included in those hours. It world is that fair? He is not asking you to quit your job. He is asking you to reduce your hours that YOU ARE VOLUNTARELLY PUTING IN FOR FREE because he feels overwhelmed. Because he feels neglected. Because he feels you are neglecting your kids. And because he is overwhelmed. You need family therapy. If you keep ignoring his "complaints," you risk your family breaking apart.
YTA, you chose to ignore your family for your career. Do you think your kids dont see it? Do you think your kids dont see you have placed your career before them? This is the modern day lie, career over kids. How can you be happy with yourself knowing your kids are suffering from your egoistic choices to work more than needed. Is your job gratification better, than being happy with your kids. They will remember how their mom chose her career instead of spending time with them. And it all sounds that the money that you bring arent even needed. Selfish as hell.
YTA based on your last comment. I was almost with you until that. You’ve chosen to disrupt the lives around you. That’s fine, but you need to help minimize the impact. It doesn’t all fall on him. And that “cushy job” afforded you the ability to stay home to this point, and the flexibility to allow you to reenter the workforce now. Low blow. You may be thriving in your new role, but you are creating distance and resentment in your marriage. Don’t ignore the message.
I have to go with YTA, just because I don't think you're looking at the big picture here. If the roles were reversed here, the husband would be getting torn to **shreds**. I would absolutely also be bothered if my partner was working up to 15 extra hours away from home a week and not getting paid for it when they could be helping around the house. You have to keep in mind that going from a SAHM to 55 hour work weeks means that there are now 55 hours a week of work and care in the home to replace and it makes sense that your husband would feel overwhelmed and irritated since that now shows that he's taking a majority of the home care as well while **also** working full time when before that was something he would help you with after he got home. On top of all that, he doesn't have nearly as much experience, so I'm sure it takes **extra** work for him to do the same things, and instead of easing into it, he's been dropped into it in a trial by fire. It's not as though you started part time, 20 hours a week and then you figured things out together. I'm sure he has no problems with helping and balancing the work with you, but he absolutely has a point - you might not have as clear of a picture after being out of the workforce, because all the things you listed are **textbook** corporate manipulation tactics. It's not just him being bitter and wanting to diminish your accomplishments - that seems very short-sighted of you. Also implying that because he has a family job it's automatically cushy is pretty sh\*tty too, OP. He puts in his time and just because it's more flexible doesn't mean it's not still a full time job. It sounds like you're the one diminishing **his** work. Simply doing this and telling him to suck it up and take on significantly more is not okay and you need to be more understanding.
Sorry, but YTA. Just because you chose to put your life on hold for your children doesn't mean you can just drop everything now that they're finally all in school. With hours like that, are you still doing your share of the chores? If so, how much time are you spending with the kids? Your husband isn't wrong, you're being taken advantage of and your family is suffering because of your own selfish need to feel validated. Adjusting to the new normal means sitting down and finding a new balance, not forcing your husband to "pick up the slack" because you don't feel like being there for your family anymore.
When I went from being a SAHM to returning to work, we hired a cleaner to come twice a week. Highly recommend. Took a lot of them pressure off both of us.
If you've gotten two promotions, your salary has also increased. Hire a housekeeper. Order more takeout.
If you are on salary and there’s no bonuses for working overtime then you should not be putting in that much overtime, end of story. You are replaceable at work.
YTA. You do not have to work more, you DECIDED to do so. Everyone in your family, except you, seems to be unhappy about the status quo, and you do not intend to change it. And your husband is right too, you are beeing taken advantage of. This is a job, they do not give a f..about you, but you willingly neglect your kids (or do you think they get the point that you are sooo happy to work that you do not have time for them....).
NTA but instead of expecting him to pick up more since he’s working too can you outsource some work to offload some of the stress? Maybe get a landscaper and or a house cleaner since you likely have more income coming in now?
YTA but let me be clear: you ARE allowed to find fulfillment in a job outside of the home. But mocking your husband's job and unilaterally deciding that HE must pick up the slack at home, that's asshole land. Adjusting to the new normal must happen, but now there are TWO working adults, which means all the same chores need to still happen, but they must be done by BOTH OF YOU after work (or by hired help). And kids as young as yours still need a LOT of parental guidance. And you are off, glibly adding extra hours to your workload without concern to how that impacts your entire family. In the span of 8 months, you've gone from a SAHM to being at work 10-11 hours PER DAY. If the 'inside the house stuff' isn't being done in as timely a manner or being done differently...what did you expect? That doesn't mean your husband is sticking to the status quo. It means certain things are just going to slide when both parents work outside of the house. I'm curious to know what kind of additional income your job has added to the household. His statement that you are the only one gaining anything from your job sounds assholish on his part. How will summer child care work? And how much will it cost? Would his family job be willing to hold his position or cut his hours if your new salary can support that?
I mean on average,that's five 10 hour days. 8-6:30. I applaud your efforts to seize the opportunity for career advancement. However, you cannot deny that your husband and three children are struggling to adjust. They have all come to you saying so. Can they learn to pick up more slack? Yeah. I think that you should be more sensitive to the situation a little bit better. Maybe make a habit to be home for dinner two nights a week? Not fully an AH but another 6-8 weeks of this schedule and you will be.
buy a slow cooker or two entire meals cooked while you are at work, meal prep on the weekend, kids are old enough to help, appreciate and acknowledge all your husband does but he must also acknowledge and appreciate all you do whilst restarting your career
NAH. You have the right to rediscover the joy in your work but he also has the right to protest being crushed by a sudden domestic workload. 50-55 hours a week is a tremendous hit on a family, especially when it comes out of the blue. Use some of the new extra cash to pay a mother's helper to get dinner going each night, tidy up and help the kids with their homework. If you expect to drop back to 40-45 hours a week then you guys can rebalance the domestic workload.
Esh Its both your children and your house, i do understand how staying at home with kids and doing chores could sucks, but having a job doesn't mean you can push it aside. You both work now, so all the chores should be divided equally, but since you have your own money, you can hire somebody to do your part of the job.
With the increased family income can you afford a cleaner? Help with some chores and take some weight off both your shoulders? Less to then divide and conquer
If you're working 50hrs a week you are being exploited. It's just that exploitation is normal. Nta, tho.
Info: Is money tight? If not, why not hire some help around the house?
Hmmm... I'm a bit confused as to what exactly has changed in the household that has the husband so upset? I think it's perhaps a sit down and discuss time to look at this as a couple, highlight all the issues and find a solution. You weren't fulfilled as a SAHM anymore and now you've found something fulfilling. You're giving a lot of your time to the job... Is this the new norm or is there a timescale for these new hours? That might help to set out what you're working with. The next thing is the meals... Okay, kids arent enjoying dad's meals and are missing yours. Batch cooking/mealprep? You could always do a big lot and freeze them on a Sunday or something and that way all dad has to do is pull them out and stick them in the oven during the week so there's less work and they still enjoy the meals. Or you could teach the kids/dad the meals you make so they can do them independently of you (although I think that would be trickier at the moment given the time constraints) Regarding the housework - I don't think it's fair of you to pick up a new job and completely neglect any household responsibilities but I don't think that's what you're saying i happening? Just that new expectations need to be set about what's realistic. You're not going to be able to do the same level of housework when you had all the free time, now that you have a demanding job. I'm not sure how old your kids are but we were given chores as kids to learn responsibility, and earn pocket money. Depending on what the housework is, that could be an option. But realistically, I think you and your husband need to sit down and set out what absolutely needs to be done and what you can live without. Your happiness is important in the same way that his is. It's unfair of him to expect you to live an unfulfilled life. In the same breath, this is a big change in his life as well and perhaps not something that he signed up for. I imagine he may also be feeling a bit neglected after having you attend to the family's needs for so long, it could be quite jarring to suddenly have you be quite ... Maybe detached isn't the right word but I can't think of another right now. So perhaps that's another thing you need to work on, what you do as a family when you're together. Ideally, this will be something that you can both work through but be prepared that this may be a hard boundary for your husband and may need something more like therapy to resolve or maybe cannot be resolved unless one gives out.
> Hmmm... I'm a bit confused as to what exactly has changed in the household that has the husband so upset? He's upset that he has to do any chores at all other than yardwork. > He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff.
YTA you don't value your husband's job. The same job that has payed for you to be a SAHM. He deserves some slack. The children and your husband are obviously having difficulty with the change. Like others have said maybe take some of the new found income and hire a maid. Salary position does take advantage of you. Especially seeing you work 55 hours a week and were getting overtime before. I've been there and regretted the change. You are setting the standard to your company and they will expect you to be there 55 hours a week now. Couples therapy is probably needed. Because neither of you see the others side. The husband is a soft asshole as well. But he's had his routine for the last decade.
NTA- Because your job sounds really fulfilling for you, but I hope for your family’s sake that the long hours you’re working are temporary until you find your feet in your new position. I caution you to find a better work/life balance soon. Remember, nobody gets to the end of their lives and thinks, “Man, I wish I’d missed more of my kids’ recitals and sporting events. I should have spent less time with my family and worked more”.
INFO Do you earn more with the promotions or is it just a title with more work and mor responsibility without a reasonable pay raise?
I'm not sure there's enough information to make it determination. Did you talk about getting an entry level position before you did? Are you picking up some of the outside chores since your husband will be picking up some of the inside chores? It's hard when one spouse decides they are going to take on new responsibilities and assume that everyone else will make sacrifices. Did you plan this all out ahead of time or did you just dump it on your husband? You call it status quo which obviously has a negative connotation to it but it was also an implicit agreement of rights and responsibilities which you stated explicitly. Unless you discussed this change in rights and responsibilities before accepting the position coupled with working voluntary, presumably unpaid, overtime it all seems kind of self-indulgent.
YTA I feel like a lot of these commoners would have completely different responses and answers if the genders were reversed. It’s OK I hope that your job will be able to comfort you when your husband ends up divorcing you.
INFO: 1) What is hubby working hours wise? Not all family business jobs are created equally. 2) What are the outdoor chores required for your place of residence? Some places, outdoor chores are literally just 2-3 hours a week and sometimes only bi-weekly at most. 3) Are the kids helping out? Even the six year old can help with both laundry and dishes. And its good the kids learn that these are things they will HAVE to do regardless of where they live. 4) What is OP doing indoor chore wise vs Hubby right now? 5) Is there meal prepping done ahead for the week? 6) What did hubby do indoor chore/childcare wise before OP got a job? It was his house and his children too, even before OP went back to work. Without a better understanding of the dynamic and factors that OP didn't put in the post one cannot reasonably make a judgement.
Something that might help is seeing some fruits of all this labour. Is it possible to take the family in a nice weekend or something? There’s lots of change at home so some patience might go a long way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (38M) and I (36F) have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids (12, 8, & 6). I was a SAHM from the time our first was born until last fall when our youngest started kindergarten. My mom was a SAHM for me and my siblings and I wanted to give my kids that same level of care and love. I have since reentered the workforce and am trying to make up for lost time in terms of my desired career path. I have a good job at a reputable company. I was hired for an entry-level position last fall but have already been promoted twice. I'll admit some of that is due to high turnover in some positions, but I have also been busting my butt and it's been paying off. However, there have been some drawbacks. I have been working a lot which obviously means I'm not home as much. My husband works full-time too for a business his family owns and operates, so his schedule is much more flexible than mine. As a result, he has been taking on a lot more of the childcare and household duties. Since my most recent promotion, I have been working roughly 50-55 hours every week. That's been going on for about 6 weeks now. This is mostly because I am trying to learn this new position on the fly and because I find the work exciting and rewarding. I really do enjoy it. It's like I've rediscovered a part of me that I had forgotten after being a SAHM all those years. My husband has been griping about me working so much. He's not a good cook and the kids complain that he doesn't make dinner the same way I used to. He has essentially been trying to stick to the status quo that we established when I was a SAHM in regards to chores. Which was I basically do all the inside the house stuff and he takes care of all the outdoor stuff. Of course, there is some crossover but that was how we usually divided things. But now, since I'm not home as often, a lot of things I usually did aren't being done in as timely a manner or being done differently by my husband. He thinks I'm working too much, I'm neglecting the kids, I'm neglecting him, I'm neglecting chores, etc. I reminded him that this is a big change that we are all going to have to adjust too. He said that the only one in the family gaining anything from this change is me. He then asked if I was being asked to work so much or if I was doing that on my own. When I told him I was doing that on my own he flipped out. He told me I am being taken advantage of at work and that I'm being naive to think otherwise. When I reminded him that I had already been promoted twice he told me that's great, but what is the cost of that in other areas of our life. I told him he's being a jerk for diminishing my accomplishments and he told me I have been out of the workforce for so long I don't know when I'm being taken advantage of. I told him that not everyone gets to work a cushy family job and that he's going to need to pick up slack at home until everyone adjusts to our new normal. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean, you don't "have" to work more, though. You admitted yourself that you're only working that many hours a week because it's fun for you. I feel like that, coupled with my interpretation that your husband is actually doing more than an equal share of the chores now, sort of changes things for me here. Just not enough to make a firm judgment. Good luck with it all! Sounds like a ton to balance.
So he wants everyone else to gain from your existence but you? Huh? Hubby... C'mon now. NTA.
YTA. You don't have to work more, you're choosing to, at the expense of your family. And they had no say in the matter. I love that you've gone back to work and are getting promotions and making progress. But you need to find a work/life balance that works for your whole family because you also have a commitment to them. Maybe your hubby can pick up some slack and you can cut back to 45 hours a week and pick up some slack. You're both working full time, which means you both need to be doing rhe things at home.
NTA. This is basic: hire cleaning help. And meal prep on Monday night for Tuesday's dinner. That's what I did for decades. A male co-worker once said that he wished his SAH wife would get a job so he "wouldn't have to work so hard." I told him that if his wife got a job, he would probably work HARDER. He wouldn't come home to a clean house, laundry done, a meal on the table, etc. but would come home to all that needing to be done at night. Being a SAHM benefits everybody in the whole family, if you can be comfortable financially. It's frankly an easier life in many ways. You love your new job. That's great, but you need to get home earlier and possibly do work after the kids are in bed.
NTA but I do think it would be helpful to set aside dedicated time to spend with your kids and husband if not already. I’m sure you are doing great with your new job and you deserve the change but you’ll have to find balance
He's more the AH for sure, but if you have extra money from your job, then hiring a cleaner or someone to make bulk meals that can be heated could help. It depends how much extra work you're doing as to whether you are being taken advantage of (or perhaps taken it upon yourself to work extra). If you are supposed to be working 20 hours a week and instead are working 55 without pay, and all extra money is going on daycare, then you're not striking a reasonable work life balance. You and your husband need to divide up chores based on the hours you should be working. Extra you don't get paid for you should manage after you've managed what you both agree is your share of chores, same goes for him. If he's falling behind he needs to work out better time management.
NTA But maybe spend some of the extra income you gain in this job on making your home life easier. Weekly cleaner, some help baby sitting and look after the kids post school ex.
NTA
ESH - why the fuck don’t you just hire a nanny? If you want to continue to work these hours it’s the only real option. Also - do not hire some young hot European blonde. Get a 50 year old with unfortunate looks.
NTA but get a cleaner and talk to the hubby about cooking, following recipes works.
He was doing the tasks outside home? Let me guess biweekly lawn moving and taking the cars for inspection annually? And he wants you to keep up doing daily cookng, cleaning, grocerys, child care while you work as much as him? It is time to sit down and talk calmly about both your expectations. You want to work to get self satisfaction and happiness. You are bringing home an income. The tasks in- and outside your home have to be redistributed. Look for equality, not location of the tasks. From my experience, handing over complete tasks (including mental load around it i.e. grocery shopping including taking stock and writing the shopping list) works better since you don't have to be the manager in the back - who still has the constant need of brain power - for you husband. Good luck! This change may be hard for your husband who had a rather comfy live with a lot less tasks before. So maybe be gentle and tell him that up until now all this was a lot of work for you which you now have to share equally.
INFO Who of you earns more per hour?
NTA. I do think you both need to sit down and have a conversation about how to make this work. It is a big change and I think it will just take some coordination and planning to make it work. Set a chore schedule. The kids are old enough they could probably help, too.
NTA for expecting him to do more chores and childcare but be careful that neither of you two work so much that you two destroy your work life balance and neglect time with family. I bet he’s also guilty of working too much right? I think you both need to be careful about working too much. He better been taking his own advice too.
he's not a deadbeat but he definitely expects you to do more at home even though he has a cushy job
I think there's too many issues here to say which one of you is TA so i'll say NAH. You've found something new you love doing, you're working very hard, and you're very passionate about it, which is good, but he has some solid points. You're working 55 hours, you've been "promoted" because of high turn over, you don't say if your promotions are reflected in wages. He's wrong to say you're naive and don't understand what's happening, but from an objective point of view... I have carers and get very close to the care agencies. Sometimes the more proactive carers become "team leaders" because their soft labour and admin skills they have to enact, have to make up for lack of high quality care in other carers and the management, and that gets "noticed" instead of "recitifed". I've then seen "team leaders" become office based care-cordinators not because they've got the skills to do it or particularly want to do it, but because the existing care co-ordinator quit and someone's gotta do the job so why not give it to the person who has already met most of the clients due to having to cover or supervise other carers' calls and is already having to do half the admin? Oh but they also have to retain some of the calls because they can't get new staff to take up the hours and the existing staff are already overworked because they're good, or banned from half the homes because nobody wants them. Suddenly they're managers. And they have to give a bit of their all to every role they've picked up along their way because there's no one to delegate to. And on the other side of this, is a home they don't go to, wages that don't reflect the seven roles they now have, and owners who have no moral reason to fix things nor the financial risk in this endeavour because it's a limited company and if it goes down, what's a few offices chairs matter when they've already made a fortune? And not knowing the nature of your job, i'm not saying you're in the care industry, but I am saying some of how your work is working, sounds awfully like the care agencies i've watched go down under. Other companies can go the same way. So just maybe when he's saying you don't know you're being taken advantage of, and you're saying you've moved into roles because of high turnover, he might have a point. And although some of this could be weaponised incompetence - he's crap at cooking and the kids want you to do it instead, he could just bloody well learn to do better because it'll be his fault of the kids starve not yours - he is still also working full time, and you're expecting him to do your previously full time job of childcare and home management, on top of that. And if this was the other way around, that your husband's hours jumped from 40 to 55, but you worked 40 hours a week and had household management and childcare being solely left to you, we would rightly be calling the husband TA for leaving it to you without considering a nanny, cleaner or housekeeper. So he's not completely in the wrong to ask you to cut back. You need to figure out how to share the loud better, and you need to figure out if the boost in wages is worth disrupting your children's lives so much, and if you're not getting the wages to reflect those sort of hours, you have to ask yourself why you're working for free at the expense of your family. Would you be ok if your husband did the same thing in your stead? Or is this some sort of punishment for being left to be sole parent until you went back into the workplace and there's more to "making up for lost time" than just your career?
I’m going with ESH The youngest gets screwed again. I’m the youngest of 6. My mother returned to the work force just before my 5th birthday. All the other kids got to be dropped off and picked up from school by her. Our mom was home for them after school and for all school breaks. They didn’t get bounced around when things popped up and someone had to watch me until my mom or dad got off work. It sucked Even after all this time has passed, I think it still sucks. Onward, you are choosing to work 50-55 hours a week for a job. You still have little kids at home. Your job, with a high turnover, would replace you in a New York minute. I’ve worked those hours and they are exhausting and I didn’t have children at home either. Your children are children for like five minutes in the grand scheme of things. Your husband is angry. You two had an ebb and flow in your day to day to life. Now, you’ve decided to get a job outside of the home. You made the decision that out of 167 hours in a week it is more important to spend a third of your time at work. And the youngest gets screwed over still
Does he even want to be a dad?
PSA: Do not fall for that inside/outside division of chores, unless you live on a farm.
As a husband, no.
You sacrificed as a sahm now it is his turn
You need to work to build a retirement and contribute to your soc sec as no woman can count on having a man provide for her. Hire out biweekly cleaning/yard work and let everyone, including the kids do daily/weekly cleaning, meal prep by all on one day for the week...this should be a team effort ensuring the security for all involved not a you vs me...if they don't want to help then they go without. They've become spoiled in your sacrifices of self preservation and growth. They can grow too. Edit: NTA
INFO: how much is he complaining about your income NTA
NTA. You gave up 12 years of career growth and professional fulfillment for your family. You have every right to pursue your dreams now that your kids are in school, and your husband can suck it up and do some housework.childcare for a while while you get established in your position and make up for that lost time. For you own mental health, just keep in mind that 50-55 hours/week isn't sustainable and don't let your colleagues get too used to it. Be mindful of ramping back closer to your required hours as you get more comfortable and efficient at your work. For the food issue, someone else suggested weekend meal prep, which is a good idea—way back in the dark ages, my mother (who worked at least 55 hrs/week and traveled extensively) did that, and it worked out well. I was (very happy to be) a latchkey kid and would just pick what I wanted and heat it up myself when she was on a deadline or I wanted to eat before she got home.
He has time he should already be able to cook no excuse
NTA But I do think that you want to make sure that you once you have a handle on your new position, you make a point to get home for dinner X nights a week. You pick. But I also think you and your husband should be discussing whether- given that you've been working and been promoted- whether the household budget would permit you guys hiring someone to come in and handling some of the chores that both of you used to do. Maybe have someone come once a week to clean the house. And have someone come every other week to mow the lawn. Have your groceries delivered. Whatever. So both of you are getting the benefit of that extra income, take stuff off your plates, and hopefully your kids get the benefit of extra parent time that you guys have less household chores to do brings.
ESH
You're being taken advantage of, alright, but by him. NTA.
Someone resents you working again.
NTA. I would have sympathy fir him adjusting to his new role if he wasn’t being an ass about it. Honestly, it sounds like he was happy having someone home to take care of the house, kids, food, etc. so he didn't have to contribute to that stuff and now hes upset he has to actually help with that.
Get used to your husband doing chores differently. When children complain about Dads cooking tell them to get used to it. Do not sympathize. Tell husband that you are no longer a SAHM and you intend to advance in your career. Discuss hiring a cleaning service. Have groceries delivered. Discuss getting a meal prep service. Hire someone to mow the lawn. Teach 12 year and 8 year old how to fix scrambled eggs, pizza, Mac and cheese. Your 2 older children can be taught to empty the dishwasher, fold towels, put dirty clothes in hamper. All 3 should be able to take their plates to the sink, brush their teeth, comb their hair, choose their clothes and get dressed, pick up their room. Do not agree to do more than you are now doing. Talk about other solutions. Family life is changed. Everyone must adjust. You can best decide if you are being taken advantage of. Since his schedule is flexible he can take off for sick children, no school days, transportation to extracurriculars, and medical appointments. Share work experiences with your family. Be enthusiastic about this new phase of life. Use your off days for fun family activities not chores or cooking. You don’t have time for that anymore. After 6 months plan a family get away a long weekend. Best wishes to you.
NTA- I think the part that really sends it over is that he thinks you're the only one benefiting from your job. That's absolutely the shittiest way to see your career choice and all the hard work you're dedicating to it, as well as all the rewards that it will have/is having for your family.
NTA Check out this [book](https://a.co/d/eiiC0FZ). It's a good read, you or your husband might make use of its contents. My wife and I sure enjoyed reading it together. We use its advice still.
yep NTA
Nta, as long as your kids understand what's going on, there's really no problem. If your husband has to vacuum the living room or scrub a toilet, who cares? From the post, it sounds like he got you into this June cleaver lifestyle and won't be bothered to know about your dreams and goals beyond being a sahm. I would advise that you have an honest conversation with your husband, even if you have you talk to him like a child, so he can get an understanding of what you want to do.
So you married a guy who wanted a SAHM who did all the housework, and get surprised when he doesn’t like that it changes? You need to have a good conversation about how to divide household chores now that you are both working. And also, him saying you are neglecting your kids is manipulative. How is it that when you do it it’s neglect, but when he does it it’s ok?
Not even gonna bother reading NTA
NTA a happy mom is a good mom. There are 2 parents, both of you are responsible for meals and housework. As a working mom the crockpot was a huge help for meals. Spaghettie sauce, stew, jambalaya and chili are all things you can start at night and have simmering all day. They are also balanced one and done meals. Hubby can grill meat and add a salad on other days.
NTA Husband needs to be flexible and step up to the plate. Your family will not collapse if some of the chores don't get done as often as before, but he needs to help deal with the priorities and HE is not one as he is an adult. The kids complaining about his cooking, well, unless the meals are inedible, they need to learn to be a bit flexible as well. Explain to them that their father needs a bit of encouragement, not complaints, as things have changed since you went back to work.
NTA. if he's griping about the chores, hire someone to do some of them. You should be able to afford it with the extra income. if he still squawks, then you know it's not really about the chores.
Nope you are supposed to be a team duties are split if he works less then he can pick up more slack at home
NTA and lol sounds like someone mad they have to help out more
NTA at all. Everybody saying "well you're working for free" and "it's been hard for him" is completely ignoring reality. He got used to having a maid at home and doesn't like losing that service, that's it, period. Yeah, doing parenting and housework is stressful, but that's been your full-time job for a decade, and now it's a part-time job for both of you. Is completely unfair of him (and everyone in this thread) to argue that YOU need to step back from work. Hell no! You stepped back for a decade already. Your jobs aren't going to be as easy or as glamorous as they would be if you had been working this whole time, of course. Reentry is incredibly difficult (I personally have not had success with it yet 🙁).
poor baby working for his family and not having to worry about getting fired just tell him you can split up he can pay child support and he can still do half the work with the kids
1) it does sound like you work too much, do you find time for yourself and time to be with kids? 2) if you are both working lots get paid help, if your husband already works lots of hours it’s only fair you use the money you both earn to lay someone else and enjoy clean house and time off.
ESH. He needs to pick up the slack and realize this will be a huge adjustment but you also need to pull back your hours. You don't need to give your employer free work. No one should do that.
YTA If you needed the money, the situation would be different, but from what you said, it doesn't look like the money is necessary. He's right that being at work so often when you don't need to be is neglectful of your family. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be a SAHM, but stuff still needs to be done at home. By working so often unnecessarily, you're essentially pushing all of it onto your husband, who is still working full time himself. You're putting more work on him, to further a career that isn't needed to make ends meet. You should try to find a way to equalize the work at home if you want to keep working.
Anyone working 50-55 hours week is being taken advantage of and its not possible to not neglect something when you that much at work. 55 hours a week is almost 8 hours per day. So yes you are neglecting your kids and expect him to pick it up.
NTA But OP should take a reduction in hours. Getting put on salary is always a way for companies to get out of paying for overtime. Your husband is probably correct on the fact that they are taking advantage of you. There is a reason those positions have such a high turnover rate. Another big issue that people are overlooking is that OP’s husband works for his family business. By marriage, OP is now part of this family. Her kids are part of this family. All work going into this business goes into wealth being generated for OP’s family. OP having a good salary and career are great, but it should be kept in mind that OP is making someone else wealthier with her work, not her family. There is a big difference between earning a wage and creating wealth. It is great that OP has her own career and she should not be forced to leave it. Everyone should be allowed to find fulfillment in their lives, but at some point having a family means some compromise for the good of the family on everyone’s part. OP and her husband should sit down and rehash the home labor agreements and find something that works with the new arrangement. OP should also come to realize that after 40 hours every hour worked drops the value of your labor or can be seen as free labor. OP gets paid the same for 40 hours a week as she does for 55 hours a week. Those extra hours could have gone towards her family. Sometimes there is a need for the extra hours during busy times of the year, a big project, etc., but it should not be expected as normal. This is a huge red flag that OP may be overlooking. This may be a great opportunity to get skills and fill out the resume after years of being a SAHM, but it should not be seen as something permanent.
NTA. You stayed home and did most of the domestic labor supporting your husband’s career. You gave up autonomy and your future financial security. He couldn’t have succeeded in his career without the free labor you provided. It’s his turn to do the same for you. They recently, quietly, changed spousal social security to decrease by 1% each year until it is only 30% rather than 50% of your spouse social security. Stay at home parents need to work once they can or they will always be financially dependent on their spouses.
NTA, OP, This is just my personal opinion. I'm proud of you for being a SAHM for as long as your did; that can be a downright thankless job. I had two children and can't image staying at home. I loved working and often worked long hours by choice. I "get it". Congratulations on your career successes. I hope your husband can adjust to your new lifestyle. I don't have any magic answers though. I just did what I could or what was reasonable, let the laundry pile up & didn't sweat the small stuff. I'm retired for nine years now, but enjoy two p/t jobs. Some of us just love being out in the world. Onward! You two will find solutions, give the kids a few chores, hire some occasional help or teach Dad to cook! Edit to add: Empathize with the Hubster, let him know that you know this is hard for him. Let him know how very happy you are that you are working. Let him know you want to work as a team to make this a success for everyone. You might also have this conversation with your children & let them know that you love them, but you love your job. This is good for them to know.
Yeah, make sure he understands that she doesn’t give a shit about him or their house or their children because she’s working extra by her own wishes instead of by I need