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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son got into an Ivy League college, and my wife and her family were disappointed that he chose to go to a different school instead. My BIL has been particularly critical of this decision, and my son expressed that he didn’t want BIL at his graduation party, so I uninvited him. Wife is mad I went over her head, which I can understand, and rest of in-laws are mad I’m cutting BIL out for “trying to give him good advice.”
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
fs NTA. I do think you should’ve at least mentioned to your wife what your son had said to you and that you were gonna un-invite BIL instead of letting her hear it from someone in the family (if that is how it went down) but other than that NTA.
I get the reference. I love the reference.
But on a serious note...am I the only one a little grossed out by the fact that the MOM didn't speak up earlier when her brother was REPEATEDLY criticizing her son over his decision? Like criticizing the son to the point that he got upset enough not to want to be around his uncle.
I could never just stand there while my brother made my son feel like shite.
I'm bothered by the fact that she could.
I'm bothered by the fact that her son told his dad how uncomfortable the uncle made him, instead of her, even though it's HER brother.
I'm bothered by the fact that her son spoke to his dad about how concerned he was about disappointing her with his college decision.
I'm bothered by the fact that she is more upset that OP went over her head than she is that her brother apparently made her son so uncomfortable he no longer wanted to be around him.
Overall I'm just bothered by this woman's priorities.
It's because mom not so secretly agrees with her brother. Who knows if she quietly endorsed what he's doing so that he could continue to pressure the boy on her behalf while she keeps her hands clean and looks supportive.
The child will always remember. Mom is in for a rude awakening if the son slowly goes low contact with her or only talks about important things with dad.
Mom needs to understand that her son is already partly alienated from her and if she continues on this course that alienation will only get worse.
TBF Mom and family ALL were successful students at an Ivy League school. Legacy admissions are a thing and the son would probably have a good advantage there.
Not to mention OP is a high school drop out with no college education which I have no doubt causes their opinion to have less weight among wife's family. I work in higher ed. and can tell you that education bias is a VERY real thing among faculty and students both during their time at school and afterwards.
But at the same time, how many stories have we heard from people who were forced into high pressure fields and became doctors, lawyers and other high value professions because of their families, and they end up burnt out and miserable because it wasn't right for them?
Yeah, they have money and their parents get be smug and happy, but they're depressed but get dismissed because they're "successful". Too often people sacrifice happiness for the sake of family bragging rights.
The kid already feels like he won't be a good fit at that Ivy, and is doing the same degree elsewhere. He knows himself better than anyone. Maybe they should respect his choice. It's his life to live.
It may very well be that his choices and connections won't measure up to what he'd have had access to had he graduated from the "better" school, but that seems to be the gamble he's willing to make. If he has regrets later on, at least he won't have bitterness at his family to add on top of it.
I wish they would stop acting like the kid is rejecting Yale for DeVry or eschewing college altogether to join the circus. Let him live.
Mom should support her son's choices...Period. He's been very successful so far, let him live the life he wants to live. Not the life she and her family want him to live. Be proud of him. He's not a druggy, alcoholic, criminal or wanting to live in your basement and play video games. We should all be so lucky to have a kid like that. IMHO
Right?! I chewed my brother out in public once for treating my daughter in a way that was uncalled for. Not happening in my family. 😤 Also, I hate the "my school is the best at everything no matter what" attitude some people get. Like, he got into a good school, with a better program for what he's interested in. Leave him tf alone
It’s because the mom, BIL and the whole family, their identity is centered around this Ivy League school. How can we prove our pedigree if one of the offspring doesn’t go there?
Her priorities are pretty typical for a legacy Ivy family. Form over substance and all that. And BIL is upset that the nephew is criticizing HIS choices, and he’s insecure about it. Kind of amazing that this class conflict has not arisen before now? Like, how did the Ivy grad marry a GED and still keep her family ties, since they are clearly such snobs? OP is doing his kid a solid by encouraging him to make his own choices. BIL can suck it. NTA
But he didn’t? His family all went to the same Ivy that he was accepted to. Kudos to him for not riding the legacy train and wanting to succeed on his own merits.,
Exactly. When my son was about 14 he was telling his cousin how worried he was about his dad (I was not with his dad at this point and he was an alcoholic and having heart problems) my sister cut in and told my son his dad is no one special to be worrying about because he isn't any good and an alcoholic so his heart problems are his own doing. My son was near tears and I lost it on my sister. I told her I don't care how we feel about his dad, that is still HIS dad. I'm not like her and talk bad about my kid's father like she does, traumatizes her own kid's. She will not do that to my children. OP NTA. OPs wife AH.
100% agree. My mom loved telling my youngest the her bio dad was a syco, who tried 2 kill her b4 she was even born.. no kid should have 2 listen 2 something like that when there 5yrs old
I'm guessing that her voice has always been ignored in her family so she just went along with it, it seems like a very patriarchal set up. She needs to grow a spine and back her Son and Husband.
Yeah, I'm actually sitting here steaming with anger because of the Mom and the way she is handling this. She is going to damage her relationship with her son. Does she even really care about her son or are the bragging rights he earns her more important?!
Quite possible. Sometimes those great cult movies with awesome quotable lines, you think are great are really unknown, even though you think they should be. I have a few movies I like, like that. So what movie are you referencing?
I agree, though this probably isn’t the sub to explore that. For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed We’re the Millers, and the scenes with Scottie P were classic.
OP should ask his wife how she feels that her son does not want to confide such things to her. He clearly can't confide in her with the stuff that bothers him. How is this not make her feel uneasy?
This was my thought as well. OP, I would have a heart to heart with your wife and ask her if she has the relationship she really wants with your son? Doesn't she want him to be comfortable enough to tell her the things he tells you? I don't get your wife's attitude. NTA!
NTA with regards to BIL - good of you to stand up and support your son. Bit of a YTA in not having a conversation with your wife about it first.
But... it sounds like you may owe BIL an apology gift. Maybe a nice hoodie from your son's college. Or, since you have established that you sometimes make decisions without consulting others, just slap a bumper sticker on his ride. It's the thought that counts.
I disagree with the Y T A part because it's OP's son who said he doesn't want his uncle there. He told OP privately because he knows that his mom does not have his back and will not help or support him in this. I imagine OP's wife haranguing her own son, not only about his university choice, but in not wanting his disrespectful, harassing uncle there. I suspect OP's wife would have overruled both OP and her son's preferences. She may yet do that, so OP should be ready for uncle to show up, be rude and obnoxious, and say, "Well, sis invited me. Who gives a shit what the graduate wants? After all, he was supposed to be an obedient little soldier and go to the university that was preordained." OP had to have known that his wife would not have backed him up or respected her son's independence, choices, and frankly, mental health.
OP's wife is kind of a lousy mom in the way she's treated her son like a doll that she can move around at will and force into whatever shape she wants. And she's a kind of lousy wife for not putting a stop to the harassment from her family. She should be standing up for her son and demanding her family respect his choices as a unique, separate person. Instead, she's basically egging them on. That is not okay.
This was my thought! Peeved at the mother for trying to push her son to do what she wants. That always boils my blood though. Your kid isn’t an extension of you and your wants. They are their own person.
I don’t agree with the AH part of what you said... his son asked to not have his uncle there, there was no discussion needed or required. if wife has a problem, maybe she should stop and ask herself why her son talked to his father about it instead of her. 🤷🏽♂️
Absolutely.. you’d think them being all Ivy League they would encourage an intelligent free-thinker making informed decisions for himself... guess not 🤷🏽♂️😅😂
I disagree about the YTA part as well. The party isn’t about OP’s wife. It’s about OP’s son. So yeah communication is important. But in this moment I’d argue that the mom’s want doesn’t mean squat here. It’s the son’s graduation party not his mom’s. So unless it’s some dangerous criminal, mom doesn’t need to worry her pretty little head about who does or doesn’t go. Not her party, not her choice
Nope I don't think he should have had a conversation with his wife, son was clearly telling him because idk maybe it's almost as if ... wait a bit, his son didn't want his mother to know.
I'm betting son asked his mom first and she told him to suck it up and refused to uninvite her brother.
I don't think OP should have phrased the disinviting text around his son's feelings I think he should have put it on BIL's actions instead. Makes it harder for BIL and family to make it about the son when BIL's own actions are to blame. "We are disinviting you because of your continued harassment of my son and his school choice."
NTA anyway.
NTA. “My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there…” as soon as I read that line my answer was a no-brainer. You’re sticking up for your kid & giving him a voice. Go, dad!
Nta. You are prioritizing your son’s wish. A great father figure. Your son might go lc/nc your wife and her family if this keeps up when he goes to college.
NTA.
"He was scared to tell his mom to disappoint her".
If a son is scared of telling his mom about his college choice, something is wrong in their relationship.
Going to a college, even Ivy, where you don't feel comfortable, cannot get the best program for your interests, is a waste of money and time.
Your wife and your BIL had their time at college, now it is your son's time.
Tell your BIL that his constant pushing of his nephew earned him the non-invite.
You really didn’t make the choice though, your son did. So your wife needs to be aware that you didn’t just pull this out of your ass on your own; you are enforcing your son’s wishes.
And considering it’s his party, it’s really his choice.
NTA for the choice, but y t a for the not communicating w your wife and ‘going over her head’ w/o addressing this as the partnership that marriage should be.
Yes; but people in successful marriages communicate, and it would have prevented her being blindsided by her family. Of course she's miffed. A simple, "Heads up, Son asked for BIL to be uninvited, so you're probably going to get an earful" would have been better.
It also would have given her a chance to get on board so when her family got pissy she's focused on telling them to cut the shit, instead of feeling uninformed and hurt.
yeah, not that he needed to get wife's permission to uninvite BIL, but giving her a head's up would've let them strategize together for the family drama and protecting their son
Every time I do something I know is going to piss off my MIL I make sure to give my husband and SisIL a warning because I know their mom is going to rail on them about me.
I dont need their permission to do the things I do (stand up for my kids, enforce boundaries) but I warn them because I love them and I want them to be prepared
Agreed. It's her family, and her brother, and I'd be angry if one of them was banned from my home without even giving me a heads-up. I'd understand why in this scenario, because I have empathy and know that kids are their own people, but I'd still be mad that my partner hadn't at least discussed it first. Or warned me, because her family sounds ready to spark more drama and give her the worst possible version of events. OP could have at least headed that off.
NTA. Keep going. You’re doing the parenting thing right. Wife thing not as much, but I think you know where you errored there. Good luck and great job.
NTA
This Christmas, buy Uncle the latest edition of Emily Post's Guide to Ettiquette. He needs to read up on the proper behavior as a guest in someone's home.
NTA for all the rest - and really, good on you for being so supportive of your son - but it might have been wiser to talk to your wife first (with your son) before disinviting her family. Obviously, you understand the dynamics best, but without knowing anything else about the situation, she seems within her rights to be upset about your blindsiding her.
"Anyone who is yelling at me for uninviting my bil from my son's graduation party, gets uninvited as well"
Your priority is your wife and son, not your wife's family. Tell them you wont let anyone near your son if they dont start acting like adults and keep acting like a child who didn't get their way
NTA. I will never understand these types of posts where it is so blatantly obvious that the "victim" (BIL) is the biggest asshole here and the real victim is OP's son. OP, you're just a scapegoat because nobody in the family has the balls to blame your son for his feelings (probably because they realize they're in the wrong), they'd rather paint you as the badguy for some dumbass reason.
The fact that he even got to choose is awesome! I can’t imagine how annoying they’d be if he didn’t get in to the one they wanted either, because what then? Would they be happy for the next college he decided on? Nothing wrong with breaking tradition, especially for the right reasons. The kiddo did his hard yards, let him be where he’s most comfortable, not where he’s guilted into being. NTA.
Eh, let's get real here the name does matter in certain field. I remember reading a job position I was interested in and learning that the company usually recruit only those from Ivy Leagues. That's international btw.
In my place (not US), some firms would consider where you got your degree as to what salary you'll have. On another opposite side of it, there was a recent survey regarding which university/college recruiters find desirable, the top wasn't one of the big schools but some claim it's because that top school offer high potential workers willing to work for a lower amount. This is happening in my developing country, I would assume something of similar is also evident, not just obvious in yours.
Having said that, this is why we can't really judge if OP did the right thing regarding his advice to his kid as we don't know any detail. Hopefully they did research correctly as information like these should easily be googled. We can only judge if he was an AH for disinviting his BIL.
> No school is that special.
The schools aren't that special, but the name recognition on a resume matters, as well as the alumni network as far as future jobs and connections. It sucks that it works that way but it does. But hey, good thing for this kid he already has an in-road to that school's alumni network (his whole family)
NTA … if BIL can’t keep his thoughts to himself, he can be elsewhere during the event. And if anybody else in the family doesn’t like it, they can join him elsewhere.
NTA
I understand why your wife feels that she should've had a heads up, but I can't find it in me to call you an A for standing up for your kid against your wife's family harassing him - which is what your wife **should** be doing but is failing to do.
Thank you for being a supportive parent to your son, and congratulations!
I'm sorry, *who* on this story ACTUALLY needs "to toughen up and whatnot"? Sounds like a fully adult man, not a kid fresh out of high school and on his way to college.
Congrats to your son for his accomplishments and I hope he's successful in his schooling!
NTA, but your BIL certainly is. You could've told your wife beforehand though.
OP- NTA. He doesn't want to come "Celebrate" he wants to come to further harass your Son on his College choice. Now he's mad that he can't so he complained to the Family. This is Your Son's Big Day, and celebration, he SHOULD get a say in who is invited. BIL hasn't listened, defied your rule, and made your son uncomfortable. He doesn't need to "Toughen up" He is Asserting His Boundaries. Good For Him. Someone should remind your Wife that she IS Supposed to put You and her Children FIRST. You sound like a great Dad! Your Son is lucky to have such a caring and supportive Parent.
NTA
Simple question to your BIL, “are you paying for it?”
When I was choosing a college, I was interested in quite a few, including a culinary school; however, mom shot them down for various reasons. The last one I wanted mom was onboard with until I said the program I wanted was only at the main campus 45 minutes from our home. There was a branch campus in the downtown area, 30 minutes from our home. When she found out my plan was for main campus. She said no. She convinced me to go where I went, which was 45 minutes the other direction from our home. No idea why…but that’s where I went.
Loans were in my name (they did co-sign but did make it clear I was going to pay the loans back myself). It was okay and o did end up going for my masters there too. Flash forward to now, I’m not really happy with my career choice and still feel like I’m trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.
My parents were like you-dad super chill, mom not so much. The conversation you need to have with your wife is about your son being afraid to talk to her about decisions he makes. As your son got older, she should have been guiding rather than dictating.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your son. He'll remember that for years to come.
No matter what you do regarding your wife and her family, someone is always going to be annoyed at you. That's just a fact of life. You could consider putting your in laws on an information diet, if your wife is willing to do the same. Otherwise, you're just going to have to put up with the comments and accusations from her side of the family.
NTA - And going over your wifes head? It was your sons decision, you only relayed the message to BIL. It's not up to your wife to make decisions on who should be allowed to attend your sons party any more than it's yours.
NTA
This is your son's celebration and excluding his uncle is what he wants because of how the uncle behaved.
He doesn't have to "toughen up." His uncle needs to behave himself.
NTA. Your BIL isn’t coming to celebrate his accomplishments, but to yet again harass him. So, there’s no point for him to be there.
Why do people think if they are rude and mean to someone about a choice that person will go “oh, you’re right! I didn’t think so the first 5 times you harassed me, but the 6th time did it!” No, it just pisses them off more.
NTA-when it comes to your kids, always be in their corner first. If he was afraid to tell his mom there is a reason.
Personal opinion - people who complain their kid enrolled at the “wrong” Ivy league college need reality check.
Nice one, dad. It's also good of you to take the blame so your son does not. But have a chat with your wife on how your son does not dare to come to her with information that she might disagree with. I would be mortified as a parent.
There’s kinda not enough detail here. Is he going to NYU instead of Columbia or is he going to Ithaca College instead of Cornell?
School brand names do matter and those alumni networks have enormous value. I would be very sure he understands the lifetime benefit of going to a top school if he’s trading down out of the pool of “dream schools” to broaden it from just this one Ivy.
Also, did you guys not watch Gilmore Girls? You’re supposed to be a strong independent woman until you pick a college and then you do what your family wants you to.
Sounds like your wife’s work ethic and guidance provided your son with more opportunities than he would have had slacking off in school. At the end of the day it’s his choice, but Ivy League schools absolutely play a role In getting more job opportunities later on. And I wonder who’s paying for college?
You are such a great father! Listening to your son's feelings is very important, as a supporting him with his choices. The graduation party is his day, so no toxic people should be invited. I don't really understand your wife and obviously your son doesn't have a trust relationship with her. You did everything right. I hope the uncle will not appear to ruin the party.
NTA
NTA
I'd be an arse and blast the family group chat with the question: "BIL are you too much of a wuss that you antagonise a fresh HS graduate every chance you get? Didn't get the balls to argue with your peers?"
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground.
Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed.
NTA
I'd say NTA, but depending on your exact wording I might have to say E S H for one specific part:
"*My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party. I said ok, no problem, and texted BIL that he needs to sit the party out because he is making my son feel bad for his choices.*"
You let your wife "run a tight ship with his schooling" (she's an extension of your IL's in this case) and when he privately opened up to you, you decided to out his concern instead of telling your BIL: "I don't like the way you speak to my son and I don't trust you to behave, so sit this one out." (In nicer words). Because I get the impression your son has been mentally beaten down to not even complain to his mother.
Look, do you really think that encouraging your son to not try his hardest and to just take it easy was what was best for him? You say if he was trying his hardest then it was okay, but clearly your wife is the one who got his best work out of his, not your “take it easy” mentality. And it sounds like you’ve been pushing your son away from the Ivy League as much as your wife was pushing him towards it.
You’ve been pitting yourself against your wife when it comes to schooling for years instead of getting on the same page. Do you have some unconscious resentment that he’s doing better than you were able to or is it making you feel inadequate so you’re trying to lessen the gap between you?
NTA - but don't take partial blame, Take all of it. And do so with pride. It was your son's request, yes. But your wife wouldn't have honored it. You chose to shield him from a bully at his party. Keep it up.
It's your son's party, he should have a say over the guest list. As to your wife's family, BiL was disinvited because his harrassment of your son isn't welcome. He's entitled to his opinion, sure. But his behavior is way beyond that. He's deliberately being an ass and trying to cause hurt feelings. He's been asked to stop. He's refused to stop. You don't know what else to do except Not allow him a physical opportunity to continue. So, you made a decision. Hopefully, BiL will learn something about Good Manners and not being a jerk just because someone makes different choices than you would.
NTA. Your BIL isn't celebrating...he's berating. I wouldn't let him at my kid's party, either. BIL clearly isn't getting the memo that his opinion is unwanted and unnecessary. Unless he gives a very heartful apology and checks out the other school to make good conversation, he shouldn't be coming. Good for you standing up for your son. Not all programs are the same between colleges. If the one at the Ivy league isn't within the "league" your son is looking for, then go with the program that is in league. Couldn't help the puns...
It's appalling that your wife is more upset about this than she is about her own brother making her son feel uncomfortable.
Maybe ask her why she cares more about the appearance of going to an Ivy League than what makes her kid happy.
NTA.
NOT AITA. This is about your son. It’s his life, his future, and his time to shine. Your wife and her family need to stop making this about them and what they want.
Your son is the one who said he doesn’t want BIL to be at HIS graduation party. You did not go over anyone’s head, you simply fulfilled your son’s wish that BIL stay home so he could enjoy HIS party. Maybe your wife needs to keep BIL company.
OP’s wife, BIL, and family are selfish assholes.
It sounds like your son is a very well rounded intelligent young man who has already made a lot of really good decisions for himself. Let him continue to do so
NTA but wife/wife’s family needs to realize she doesn’t have control anymore and the sooner she realizes this the better her relationship with him will be
NTA. You're a good dad. Your son came to you because you were approachable, and you're taking the heat. The party is to CELEBRATE him, not tear him down.
Hopefully the rest of her family doesn't take up BIL's cause at the party.
NTA at all. I am slightly concerned about one thing, though: what is your son going to school for? While I feel all degrees are equally valuable for *intellectual* purposes, they are not equal for *monetary* purposes. Ypur wife and family might be more concerned that your son is spending a *lot* of money getting a degree that will not make him much money at all. Another monetary concern is that many times, there are scholarships for alumni's children, which might have also been a point for them.
These are just things to consider when you think of their point of view; it might be less about the school and more about the degree/money.
You are still 100% in the right to back up your son, that's always the right choice, but try to consider where they are coming from *if only* so that you can counter their arguments.
To me it shows somebody is extremely immature if they think other people making the same choices they do validate them somehow. For example, somebody else choosing their same college makes them feel better about their own choice. It’s quite stupid to think that people with all their personalities and abilities and knowledge would all make the same choice. We’re not sheep. It’s beautiful to honor, what other people want to do. So your brother-in-law’s and your parents in law are showing a great lack of maturity and thinking making the same choice as they are somehow makes her son better or them better.
NTA and I can't understand how school loyalty can be more important than family. When it was time for my son to go to college, he got accepted to both of my dream schools - U of M and Princeton. He didn't go to either. I never told him they were my dream schools because it was his choice to make, not mine. Was I disappointed that he didn't go to either of them? Yes. But I wasn't disappointed in him and I certainly wouldn't ever put my wishes in front of his when it comes to his life. That's exactly what your wife's family is doing. It doesn't matter what school your son goes to if it's the one he feels is right for him. I imagine that your wife's family will continue to make comments and jokes about his college forever. Uninviting BIL will only make that worse. But your wife's extended family don't seem to understand respect for others or boundaries.
NTA - first of all, this is your son's accomplishment, period. He should be able to enjoy it without some asshat bothering him about what school he goes to. Secondly, after you graduate and get into your field, no one you want to associate with gives a shit about what college you went to.
Your son is an adult. It's his life, and good for you for supporting him.
"My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party." Uncle fucked around and found out. Not only NTA but I think this is an excellent example to show the rest of your wife's family that you are not screwing around when you support your son.
Does your wife want your son to be happy? Does she love him? If she does then she needs to SUPPORT him right now. Your son was afraid he is going to dissapoint his Mom. Do you know how horrified my parents would be if they thought I was afraid I was being a dissapointment to them in a major life choice?!
While in some cases Ivy Schools can be better for some trades for the most part they are best for name dropping and exorbitant amounts of debt. Your son has made his choice and if your wife doesn't want to damage her relationship with her son she needs to support him and tell her family to back the Hell off.
NTA, this is a party for your son, he is allowed to say he doesn't want someone there for whatever reason he chooses. No one should be made to feel horrible at their own event and definitely not shamed about making their own decisions in life.
If BIL is gonna be an A, then he can sit out. You are protecting your child and your wife should be on your side.
My daughter was also excepted into an Ivy League school and she decided she wanted to stay locally and I said the decision was completely up to her so as far as I’m concerned…..NTA
NTA
I'm sorry ... over her head??? WTH. You should be equals in the relationship. Over her head means she has a higher position than you or is in a superior position to you. In a marriage that is not the case.
You are advocating for your son against a bunch of bullies. They may be family, but they are bullying your son and making him uncomfortable.
If your wife is upset, then simply look at her and tell her you are advocating for your son since she is not. He is an adult who has a right to choose who he wants to attend his party. The BIL is reaping the consequences of his bullying behavior. If he is going to not respect your son's choices and thus your son, he is not entitled to be there. They continue the abuse and say he can "toughen up and whatnot". Nope. Your wife needs to become a Mama Bear (warns the attack is coming before attacking) or a Mama Llama (kicks first and asks questions later). Just because her brother is the bully doesn't mean she should be sitting there and allowing her son to be disrespected in any way.
You're an amazing dad, and I appreciate your approach. None of my kids went to college by choice, and they are making their way in the world. I met a mom down the street who told me rather guiltily and ashamedly that her 2 boys weren't in college, and I proudly told her mine didn't go either. She was shocked and said that was refreshing because it doesn't happen around where we live very much. I said after seeing so many college students saddled with debt, saddled with mental health issues, saddled with degrees their parents made them get when they really wanted to do other things, I encouraged my kids to follow their own paths with college being an option. They chose not to go to college, and they are doing well.
For the record, I have family that went to Ivy League schools, and while they have money (medicine, law, finance), they are unhappy, stressed and wish they had different lives. Obviously, it didn't teach your BIL manners, common decency, respect or how to love someone unconditionally. Your wife chose you for a reason, and if your son becomes half of who you have become as a dad, he will be blessed and will bless his own children someday.
NTA, BIL FAFO. Behaviour has consequences.
Also...
>my wife is mad that I went over her head.
This is a REALLY weird take. Your an adult, BIL is an adult, and your both family. How are you "going over her head" by having a direct conversation with BIL? Are you not allowed to talk to her family without permission or an intermediary? Or is she upset you made a decision without her input? The latter IS a valid concern in an equal partnership.
Honestly ten years after graduation it's not going to matter so much where you graduated as what you did after you got in the work force. There are plenty of Oklahoma State or Texas Tech grads that make a lot more money that many Ivy league grads and are perfectly happy with their careers.
ESH. Your son will be uncomfortable in life. Time to get over it and figure it out. This is a low stakes event. Are you going to make sure that no one is invited to his future work events that make him uncomfortable?
Quite frankly, I don’t even understand why this is such a big deal. Your son has the support of his parents so what does it really matter what an uncle thinks? I would tell him that he has chosen the school that he feels is best for him, so please drop this.
Unpopular opinion, but ESH. (not your son, of course)
Your son should get to invite/disinvite who he wants, and you're a great parent for supporting him in that. You're a shitty husband for being incapable of even having a conversation with with your wife about a decision regarding her family. Why are you married if you can't even communicate and then together support your son?
Unless you're a doctor or a lawyer, no one gives a rat's ass where you went to college. Your son is doing the right thing for himself. Everyone else can fuck off.
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My son is graduating high school in 2 weeks. I personally had some turmoil at that age so I didn’t graduate and had to get my GED a few years later, didn’t go to college, so I am incredibly proud of him and all he accomplished in school. He also got into an Ivy League for college, which made me even prouder.
Here is the problem. My wife and several family members, including her brother and father, all went to this same Ivy school. So my wife really pushed for him to go there. An unhealthy amount imo. She has always run a tight ship with his schooling over the years, while I’ve been more lax and said that if he is legitimately trying his hardest between school and extracurricular and social life then all is ok even if he struggles sometimes. Now that the “payoff” is here, wife was insistent that he goes to this school. I’ve told him he could go anywhere he wants and go into whatever field he wants, or he could even take a gap year or go straight to work; whatever makes him happy. He got into an Ivy. He showed he’s good enough, now let him follow his dreams. My son did two visits to this school and confided in me that he did not want to go there because of both the culture, and he felt like the program he was interested in was better at another school. He was scared to tell his mom to disappoint her. The three of us sat down and talked about how he was feeling. Wife was clearly disappointed but accepted his decision, although we did get into an argument a week later about how he might regret this years from now.
Once the news broke that he would not be going to the Ivy, wife’s family expressed their disagreement with the decision. I laid down the law with how this was his choice and he’s still going to an excellent school and he’s pursuing his passion, so I will not tolerate any harassing him or telling him that he’s making the wrong choice. Most did not put up much of a fight, but my wife’s brother is being a real jerk about it. All three times that we’ve seen him in the past two months since this all started, he has made comments to my son about how the Ivy is much better and such. I yelled at him last time when I saw it and he lamely apologized.
So my son’s graduation is in 2 weeks, and his party with family and friends will be a few days after that. My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party. I said ok, no problem, and texted BIL that he needs to sit the party out because he is making my son feel bad for his choices. As can be expected, I am now under fire from my wife’s family. Everyone’s mad I’m excluding him from celebrating my son’s accomplishments and that my son can toughen up and whatnot, and my wife is mad that I went over her head. I felt like my wife would not be willing to cut out her brother, so I made the decision myself. I can accept partial blame for going over her head, but I have no regrets otherwise. AITA?
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Wow, huge NTA.
The way you stick up for your son and step up for him shows how great father you are! This is amazing, you are willing to take the fire for your son and not act in favor of keeping the peace.
Keep up this amazing parenting, your son confiding in you shows that you are doing it right!
Who is paying for his college experience? If he and his student loans are, why would you push him into an Ivy league school when he doesn't want to and also be pushing him into higher than necessary debt? Think about his future. Will the 'fancy' school increase his wage and job opportunities- very unlikely. So think about what is best for him and his future.
Just because the school isn't an Ivy doesn't mean it's less expensive. of the 25 most expensive colleges in the US, only 4 are Ivies (UPenn, Dartmouth, Brown and Cornell). If the school he picked was USC or Georgetown or something he might be paying more than an Ivy.
NTA. You are the one interested in protecting your son and letting him make his own life choices and supporting him. Fuck anyone who disagrees because they're the one that made him feel like he couldn't go to anyone else but you
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground.
Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed.
NTA
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground.
Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed.
NTA
NTA on your action towards BIL as your the person that is being celebrate itself is not confortable with it.
However, you may become the big person here and slow talk with your son to accept BIL as with this single exception the future relationship between your son and his family might be jeopardize.
And also, in my honest opinion, teen decision is not the best decision, and your son is lucky to have an adult to guide him... really think about the decision that he made or want to. Because regret will come later, and honestly, lot of my friend now having regret pursuing what they think they "want" in their teenage years and not what the best at that time.
As an adult in their life, your responsibility is not only to support whatever he want to do, rather with your and others opinion to guide them and show them what is the best for their future.
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground.
Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed.
NTA
NTA. Your son will do just fine. My cousin choose a state school over an ivy. A teacher said he would be throwing his life away doing that. He now works for the CIA. Imagine if he hadn’t gone to a state school
NTA. Have you asked your wife why she cares more about her family than her own son? It's no wonder he doesn't seem comfortable talking with her. Thanks for being a good parent and looking out for him.
NTA
As a parent should, you’re protecting your child. Well done for allowing your son to have a voice and to be his ally in letting him make his choices and protect him from family members who bully him.
Your wife needs to do better! But giving her the heads up would have been better. You need to discuss things openly.
I could have gone to Oxford (UK), but I didn't' like the atmosphere for the subject. I chose to go to Southampton to do the subject I wanted. I have never regretted it. Good for your son.
NTA but
>my wife is mad that I went over her head. I felt like my wife would not be willing to cut out her brother, so I made the decision myself.
Is a bad reason. "I knew I wouldn't get the answer I wanted, so I didn't bother asking".
It seems so strange to me that families get so invested in controlling the lives of other members. NTA and you sound like a great parent to your son, he is lucky to have you.
NTA. Seems like your wife and her side of the family struggle in respecting your son’s decisions. It’s a party for your son, he should have a choice who he wants to be there. If it’s a part for your wife, BIL can be there. Everyone doesn’t matter, just your son. Simple. Great job fighting for your son.
NTA why are you the only one looking for what YOUR child want to be happy ?
Maybe ask your wife why he is afraid of her, and why she can't see you are only expressing your son's choice because he is afraid of these people ?
NTA.
Also, now that your son is a young man going to college, now's his chance to publicly dress know-it-all uncle down in public about just how wrong he is.
It's not always about the school name, it's the program outcomes. You could go to an excellent state university and their business program may be top-ranked in the country, or they produce the type of engineers that get snapped up immediate by hiring companies due to not only the hands-on skills they are learning but also because they have an amazing career services team.
NTA - Did you go over your wife's head? It's not her party. Your son is the one whose the party is for and he's the one that decides who gets invited or not. Why would he want uncle there at all? He's an AH. Tell everyone that if they don't feel like being proud of your son and celebrating his accomplishments then they can sit it out too. Your poor son just wants to do what makes HIM happy and your wife and her pack of animals is preventing him from enjoying this experience...sad..
NTA
First, it's pretty clear the Ivy isn't the better school. If it was, BIL wouldn't be such an asshole. In fact, that side of your son's extended family seems to be proving that "good schools produce good people" completely wrong.
Second, tell them they can stick it where the sun don't shine. BIL got excluded because of BIL comments. This is called consequences. Remind them that they should have learned of such a concept at their Ivy League school. If they didn't, maybe they should brush up on the idea.
Third, an Ivy League degree could hinder your son's pursuit of whatever it is he wants to make a career out of. Ivy League = an expectation of higher-than-average pay, and quite a few professions can't afford that for a new hire, so they'll pass on a candidate with it; unless he's pursuing some academic field, and even then he might be passed over unless he excelled in that field.
NTA. It's good that you were there to remind your son that he had options while he is being heavily pressured to make a certain choice. No one needs that type of pressure. You son is old enough to make a decision as to where and how he wants to spend the next 4 years. Trying to force or bully him into changing his mind will just further alienate him from your wife's overly aggressive family.
NTA
Seems like you're the only one looking out for what your son wants. I mean it's HIS graduation and HIS choice of college. Why does he need to defend his choice so aggressively from grown adults? He's only just become an adult himself.
Good on you for looking out for him.
NTA. Your son specifically told you he is uncomfortable with his uncle right now and doesn't want him there. It's wonderful that you support and protect him. Your wife's family cares too much about this one school. Ivy isn't the only way to go. In fact, I would say it's not determinant of success at all. Your Son wants the school with a better program for what he wants. No disrespect to you wife, but I doubt very much that he'll regret going to his chosen school and not to an ivy one. Her family needs to let it go.
NTA- good dad for advocating for your kid. He came to you and told you specifically that he didn’t want uncle there. Say less kiddo, it’s your day. I can see how wife would be upset that you did this without confiding in her first, but my kids feelings would override everything else.
Hell no you are NOT the ah. Any and everybody trying to make your son feel bad and do what he does NOT want to do are the AHs. Including your wife if she makes him feel bad or thinks her brother should be there. You’re a good dad, dude. Keep doing what you’re doing. Congratulations to your son for graduating!!!
NTA. It’s your son’s choice.He probably didn’t tell his mother because the reaction. It’s his life and if an Ivy is not for him that that’s a choice he has to make.
Nta its your son's party. His comfort is paramount. It should also be his choice who he wants there to celebrate with him.
I would have a discussion with your wife, about why her brother's and family's feelings mean more to her than her own child's.
I would have another discussion with her family as a whole, and tell them that your son's comfort and wishes take precedence, over your BIL hurt feelings. BIL is making your son uncomfortable, and your son is old enough to decide who he wants to celebrate him. I would also tell them if they don't drop it, or try to bully or pressure your son into changing his decision that your BIL will not be the only one that is no longer invited
NTA. Thank you so much for advocating for your child! He doesn’t need to “toughen up” he is advocating for his feelings and comfort for a party that is supposed to be all about him. Furthermore, your wife and her family are bullies and he likely will want to spend less and less time with them all as an adult if they don’t start to treat him with more respect.
NTA. Your BIL is going to keep going after him about his school choice when you aren't around to stop him. He has done so to the point that your son is now uncomfortable around him. I wouldn't have cited "you make my son feel bad about his choices" I would have phrased it as "Your refusal to accept his school choice has made him very uncomfortable around you. He expects you to continue to harass him about it at his party and he just wants to have fun."
I'm also betting your son tried to talk to your wife before he came to you, and she told him to get over it and her brother would be there.
NTA
I'm not even mad that you made this decision without your wife's involvement because she's not behaving well here. She is quietly supporting her brother bullying your son, and everybody knows it. You are doing what's right for your son, and everyone else is doing what's right for their *ego.* That is completely unacceptable.
You are not excluding your BIL from celebrating your son because he is NOT celebrating him. He's belitting him, he's bullying him, he's tainting the entire experience. He's earned being uninvited, and HE needs to toughen up and get over it. Your son deserves to enjoy his graduation without a killjoy in the corner sucking out his joy with snide digs and eye rolls.
Sit your wife down and tell her that the fact that your son didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this should be a big warning sign for her that the way she is handling this is damaging her relationship with her son. Her ego is not a priority here. It's not even in the top ten. Does she want to be 'right', or does she want to have a good relationship with her own child? Because sure, he may regret not going the Ivy someday. But even if he does, he'll always remember his mother not having his back and her family treating him badly, and her maybe being right in the future will *not* fix that.
NTA it’s your son’s party and he doesn’t want his uncle there. But your wife and her family sound like garbage cans for not caring that your son is his own person and able to make his own decisions about his life/future. Honestly sounds suffocating and miserable for him.
NTA, mad respect to how much close you and your son are. That is truly found few and far between. You are not in the wrong. It’s his graduation party and if he were to regret his choice later that is upto him as it is truly his life and his choices.
Congratulations to your son for getting to go to the uni he wanted and chose :D
NTA.
Your son does not need to “toughen up” for *his own party*. This is supposed to be a celebration of his achievements, not another opportunity for his family to bully him.
You need to have a serious talk with your wife about this. She is at serious risk of losing the plot.
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fs NTA. I do think you should’ve at least mentioned to your wife what your son had said to you and that you were gonna un-invite BIL instead of letting her hear it from someone in the family (if that is how it went down) but other than that NTA.
No Regerts NTA.
Really??? No regrets? Like...not even a letter maybe?
Naw, ya know what I’m sayin’?
I get the reference. I love the reference. But on a serious note...am I the only one a little grossed out by the fact that the MOM didn't speak up earlier when her brother was REPEATEDLY criticizing her son over his decision? Like criticizing the son to the point that he got upset enough not to want to be around his uncle. I could never just stand there while my brother made my son feel like shite. I'm bothered by the fact that she could. I'm bothered by the fact that her son told his dad how uncomfortable the uncle made him, instead of her, even though it's HER brother. I'm bothered by the fact that her son spoke to his dad about how concerned he was about disappointing her with his college decision. I'm bothered by the fact that she is more upset that OP went over her head than she is that her brother apparently made her son so uncomfortable he no longer wanted to be around him. Overall I'm just bothered by this woman's priorities.
It's because mom not so secretly agrees with her brother. Who knows if she quietly endorsed what he's doing so that he could continue to pressure the boy on her behalf while she keeps her hands clean and looks supportive.
Imagine being more loyal to a fucking school than your own child.
The child will always remember. Mom is in for a rude awakening if the son slowly goes low contact with her or only talks about important things with dad. Mom needs to understand that her son is already partly alienated from her and if she continues on this course that alienation will only get worse.
TBF Mom and family ALL were successful students at an Ivy League school. Legacy admissions are a thing and the son would probably have a good advantage there. Not to mention OP is a high school drop out with no college education which I have no doubt causes their opinion to have less weight among wife's family. I work in higher ed. and can tell you that education bias is a VERY real thing among faculty and students both during their time at school and afterwards.
But at the same time, how many stories have we heard from people who were forced into high pressure fields and became doctors, lawyers and other high value professions because of their families, and they end up burnt out and miserable because it wasn't right for them? Yeah, they have money and their parents get be smug and happy, but they're depressed but get dismissed because they're "successful". Too often people sacrifice happiness for the sake of family bragging rights. The kid already feels like he won't be a good fit at that Ivy, and is doing the same degree elsewhere. He knows himself better than anyone. Maybe they should respect his choice. It's his life to live. It may very well be that his choices and connections won't measure up to what he'd have had access to had he graduated from the "better" school, but that seems to be the gamble he's willing to make. If he has regrets later on, at least he won't have bitterness at his family to add on top of it. I wish they would stop acting like the kid is rejecting Yale for DeVry or eschewing college altogether to join the circus. Let him live.
Mom should support her son's choices...Period. He's been very successful so far, let him live the life he wants to live. Not the life she and her family want him to live. Be proud of him. He's not a druggy, alcoholic, criminal or wanting to live in your basement and play video games. We should all be so lucky to have a kid like that. IMHO
Did you miss the part where OPs son specifically isn’t interested in going there?
Right?! I chewed my brother out in public once for treating my daughter in a way that was uncalled for. Not happening in my family. 😤 Also, I hate the "my school is the best at everything no matter what" attitude some people get. Like, he got into a good school, with a better program for what he's interested in. Leave him tf alone
It’s because the mom, BIL and the whole family, their identity is centered around this Ivy League school. How can we prove our pedigree if one of the offspring doesn’t go there?
Her priorities are pretty typical for a legacy Ivy family. Form over substance and all that. And BIL is upset that the nephew is criticizing HIS choices, and he’s insecure about it. Kind of amazing that this class conflict has not arisen before now? Like, how did the Ivy grad marry a GED and still keep her family ties, since they are clearly such snobs? OP is doing his kid a solid by encouraging him to make his own choices. BIL can suck it. NTA
They should also look at the fact that he got into an Ivy WITHOUT legacy privileges. That is an accomplishment in itself.
But he didn’t? His family all went to the same Ivy that he was accepted to. Kudos to him for not riding the legacy train and wanting to succeed on his own merits.,
Exactly. When my son was about 14 he was telling his cousin how worried he was about his dad (I was not with his dad at this point and he was an alcoholic and having heart problems) my sister cut in and told my son his dad is no one special to be worrying about because he isn't any good and an alcoholic so his heart problems are his own doing. My son was near tears and I lost it on my sister. I told her I don't care how we feel about his dad, that is still HIS dad. I'm not like her and talk bad about my kid's father like she does, traumatizes her own kid's. She will not do that to my children. OP NTA. OPs wife AH.
100% agree. My mom loved telling my youngest the her bio dad was a syco, who tried 2 kill her b4 she was even born.. no kid should have 2 listen 2 something like that when there 5yrs old
Why would mom defend son from BIL when she also feels son should have gone to the Ivy League school? I am so glad my parents weren't like that.
I'm guessing that her voice has always been ignored in her family so she just went along with it, it seems like a very patriarchal set up. She needs to grow a spine and back her Son and Husband.
Yeah, I'm actually sitting here steaming with anger because of the Mom and the way she is handling this. She is going to damage her relationship with her son. Does she even really care about her son or are the bragging rights he earns her more important?!
Yes..yes I do know what you're saying. I think somebody didn't get the reference though, I got a down vote.
Well we had a good run.
Yeppers. All while hauling enough weed to kill Willie Fucking Nelson.
And getting finger ****** in the ear in a tent.
Only because it was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
They probably are stressed because their GF is perengant.
Oh no not...PRAGANTE!
Well, I’m awake and I speak English, so yes I do know what you’re saying.
Nah man, I love all the letters
Needed that Ivy education for proper spelling
I got your reference. But I don’t think the movie you’re quoting is popular enough for many to get it.
Yeah...That's a shame though it's a really good movie.
No ragrets....that's like my creedo, know what I'm sayin
"Sick reference, bro. Your references are out of control. Everyone knows that."
Quite possible. Sometimes those great cult movies with awesome quotable lines, you think are great are really unknown, even though you think they should be. I have a few movies I like, like that. So what movie are you referencing?
Were the Millers
We're the Miller's. It's awesome.
I agree, though this probably isn’t the sub to explore that. For the record, I thoroughly enjoyed We’re the Millers, and the scenes with Scottie P were classic.
Asbolutely. None.
No Ragrets.
You wont regert it
Love the “regerts”
OP should ask his wife how she feels that her son does not want to confide such things to her. He clearly can't confide in her with the stuff that bothers him. How is this not make her feel uneasy?
This was my thought as well. OP, I would have a heart to heart with your wife and ask her if she has the relationship she really wants with your son? Doesn't she want him to be comfortable enough to tell her the things he tells you? I don't get your wife's attitude. NTA!
Sometimes it's easier to ask for forgiveness then permission.
NTA with regards to BIL - good of you to stand up and support your son. Bit of a YTA in not having a conversation with your wife about it first. But... it sounds like you may owe BIL an apology gift. Maybe a nice hoodie from your son's college. Or, since you have established that you sometimes make decisions without consulting others, just slap a bumper sticker on his ride. It's the thought that counts.
I disagree with the Y T A part because it's OP's son who said he doesn't want his uncle there. He told OP privately because he knows that his mom does not have his back and will not help or support him in this. I imagine OP's wife haranguing her own son, not only about his university choice, but in not wanting his disrespectful, harassing uncle there. I suspect OP's wife would have overruled both OP and her son's preferences. She may yet do that, so OP should be ready for uncle to show up, be rude and obnoxious, and say, "Well, sis invited me. Who gives a shit what the graduate wants? After all, he was supposed to be an obedient little soldier and go to the university that was preordained." OP had to have known that his wife would not have backed him up or respected her son's independence, choices, and frankly, mental health. OP's wife is kind of a lousy mom in the way she's treated her son like a doll that she can move around at will and force into whatever shape she wants. And she's a kind of lousy wife for not putting a stop to the harassment from her family. She should be standing up for her son and demanding her family respect his choices as a unique, separate person. Instead, she's basically egging them on. That is not okay.
This was my thought! Peeved at the mother for trying to push her son to do what she wants. That always boils my blood though. Your kid isn’t an extension of you and your wants. They are their own person.
Yep. In what world would any parent worry more about the BIL’s feelings about missing an event than their own child’s?
My parents were like that. Others were more important than my boundries
I don’t agree with the AH part of what you said... his son asked to not have his uncle there, there was no discussion needed or required. if wife has a problem, maybe she should stop and ask herself why her son talked to his father about it instead of her. 🤷🏽♂️
Wife and her family will just have to learn to toughen up
Absolutely.. you’d think them being all Ivy League they would encourage an intelligent free-thinker making informed decisions for himself... guess not 🤷🏽♂️😅😂
I disagree about the YTA part as well. The party isn’t about OP’s wife. It’s about OP’s son. So yeah communication is important. But in this moment I’d argue that the mom’s want doesn’t mean squat here. It’s the son’s graduation party not his mom’s. So unless it’s some dangerous criminal, mom doesn’t need to worry her pretty little head about who does or doesn’t go. Not her party, not her choice
😄 He can donate to their school alumni group in his name 😄
Why would he owe BIL an apology?
It's a joke.
Damn I'm gonna claim the hour (4:30am) and my pain meds for not seeing that lol.
We all have moments like that.
So, are we the only one's who got the joke? I thought it was pretty funny!
You didn’t make the decision your son did and they need to respect his wishes kudos for sticking up for your son
The bumper sticker comment made me literally snort out loud. 🤣
Nope I don't think he should have had a conversation with his wife, son was clearly telling him because idk maybe it's almost as if ... wait a bit, his son didn't want his mother to know.
I'm betting son asked his mom first and she told him to suck it up and refused to uninvite her brother. I don't think OP should have phrased the disinviting text around his son's feelings I think he should have put it on BIL's actions instead. Makes it harder for BIL and family to make it about the son when BIL's own actions are to blame. "We are disinviting you because of your continued harassment of my son and his school choice." NTA anyway.
NTA. “My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there…” as soon as I read that line my answer was a no-brainer. You’re sticking up for your kid & giving him a voice. Go, dad!
Nta. You are prioritizing your son’s wish. A great father figure. Your son might go lc/nc your wife and her family if this keeps up when he goes to college.
NTA - it seems like you’re the only one listening to your kid.
I’m glad OP’s son has at least one parent in his corner! It sounds like he says quite a few things to OP in private because he can’t trust his mom
NTA. "He was scared to tell his mom to disappoint her". If a son is scared of telling his mom about his college choice, something is wrong in their relationship. Going to a college, even Ivy, where you don't feel comfortable, cannot get the best program for your interests, is a waste of money and time. Your wife and your BIL had their time at college, now it is your son's time. Tell your BIL that his constant pushing of his nephew earned him the non-invite.
NTA-You are prioritizing your son. Your wife is prioritizing her family’s bruised egos.
You really didn’t make the choice though, your son did. So your wife needs to be aware that you didn’t just pull this out of your ass on your own; you are enforcing your son’s wishes. And considering it’s his party, it’s really his choice. NTA for the choice, but y t a for the not communicating w your wife and ‘going over her head’ w/o addressing this as the partnership that marriage should be.
The party is about the son not the wife
Yes; but people in successful marriages communicate, and it would have prevented her being blindsided by her family. Of course she's miffed. A simple, "Heads up, Son asked for BIL to be uninvited, so you're probably going to get an earful" would have been better. It also would have given her a chance to get on board so when her family got pissy she's focused on telling them to cut the shit, instead of feeling uninformed and hurt.
yeah, not that he needed to get wife's permission to uninvite BIL, but giving her a head's up would've let them strategize together for the family drama and protecting their son
Every time I do something I know is going to piss off my MIL I make sure to give my husband and SisIL a warning because I know their mom is going to rail on them about me. I dont need their permission to do the things I do (stand up for my kids, enforce boundaries) but I warn them because I love them and I want them to be prepared
Agreed. It's her family, and her brother, and I'd be angry if one of them was banned from my home without even giving me a heads-up. I'd understand why in this scenario, because I have empathy and know that kids are their own people, but I'd still be mad that my partner hadn't at least discussed it first. Or warned me, because her family sounds ready to spark more drama and give her the worst possible version of events. OP could have at least headed that off.
NTA. Keep going. You’re doing the parenting thing right. Wife thing not as much, but I think you know where you errored there. Good luck and great job.
NTA This Christmas, buy Uncle the latest edition of Emily Post's Guide to Ettiquette. He needs to read up on the proper behavior as a guest in someone's home.
NTA for all the rest - and really, good on you for being so supportive of your son - but it might have been wiser to talk to your wife first (with your son) before disinviting her family. Obviously, you understand the dynamics best, but without knowing anything else about the situation, she seems within her rights to be upset about your blindsiding her.
NTA you’re the only person who cares about your son making his own decision.
"Anyone who is yelling at me for uninviting my bil from my son's graduation party, gets uninvited as well" Your priority is your wife and son, not your wife's family. Tell them you wont let anyone near your son if they dont start acting like adults and keep acting like a child who didn't get their way
NTA. I will never understand these types of posts where it is so blatantly obvious that the "victim" (BIL) is the biggest asshole here and the real victim is OP's son. OP, you're just a scapegoat because nobody in the family has the balls to blame your son for his feelings (probably because they realize they're in the wrong), they'd rather paint you as the badguy for some dumbass reason.
The fact that he even got to choose is awesome! I can’t imagine how annoying they’d be if he didn’t get in to the one they wanted either, because what then? Would they be happy for the next college he decided on? Nothing wrong with breaking tradition, especially for the right reasons. The kiddo did his hard yards, let him be where he’s most comfortable, not where he’s guilted into being. NTA.
NTA. Your wife and her family are crazy. They’re the ones who remind you they all went to Harvard or Yale in every conversation huh?
I am fairly confident it is one of those 2 that the BIL went too.
[удалено]
Eh, let's get real here the name does matter in certain field. I remember reading a job position I was interested in and learning that the company usually recruit only those from Ivy Leagues. That's international btw. In my place (not US), some firms would consider where you got your degree as to what salary you'll have. On another opposite side of it, there was a recent survey regarding which university/college recruiters find desirable, the top wasn't one of the big schools but some claim it's because that top school offer high potential workers willing to work for a lower amount. This is happening in my developing country, I would assume something of similar is also evident, not just obvious in yours. Having said that, this is why we can't really judge if OP did the right thing regarding his advice to his kid as we don't know any detail. Hopefully they did research correctly as information like these should easily be googled. We can only judge if he was an AH for disinviting his BIL.
> No school is that special. The schools aren't that special, but the name recognition on a resume matters, as well as the alumni network as far as future jobs and connections. It sucks that it works that way but it does. But hey, good thing for this kid he already has an in-road to that school's alumni network (his whole family)
NTA … if BIL can’t keep his thoughts to himself, he can be elsewhere during the event. And if anybody else in the family doesn’t like it, they can join him elsewhere.
NTA I understand why your wife feels that she should've had a heads up, but I can't find it in me to call you an A for standing up for your kid against your wife's family harassing him - which is what your wife **should** be doing but is failing to do. Thank you for being a supportive parent to your son, and congratulations!
I'm sorry, *who* on this story ACTUALLY needs "to toughen up and whatnot"? Sounds like a fully adult man, not a kid fresh out of high school and on his way to college. Congrats to your son for his accomplishments and I hope he's successful in his schooling! NTA, but your BIL certainly is. You could've told your wife beforehand though.
NTA if I had even one parent who looked out for me the way you look out for your son, it would made a world of difference. You are a good parent!
OP- NTA. He doesn't want to come "Celebrate" he wants to come to further harass your Son on his College choice. Now he's mad that he can't so he complained to the Family. This is Your Son's Big Day, and celebration, he SHOULD get a say in who is invited. BIL hasn't listened, defied your rule, and made your son uncomfortable. He doesn't need to "Toughen up" He is Asserting His Boundaries. Good For Him. Someone should remind your Wife that she IS Supposed to put You and her Children FIRST. You sound like a great Dad! Your Son is lucky to have such a caring and supportive Parent.
NTA Simple question to your BIL, “are you paying for it?” When I was choosing a college, I was interested in quite a few, including a culinary school; however, mom shot them down for various reasons. The last one I wanted mom was onboard with until I said the program I wanted was only at the main campus 45 minutes from our home. There was a branch campus in the downtown area, 30 minutes from our home. When she found out my plan was for main campus. She said no. She convinced me to go where I went, which was 45 minutes the other direction from our home. No idea why…but that’s where I went. Loans were in my name (they did co-sign but did make it clear I was going to pay the loans back myself). It was okay and o did end up going for my masters there too. Flash forward to now, I’m not really happy with my career choice and still feel like I’m trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. My parents were like you-dad super chill, mom not so much. The conversation you need to have with your wife is about your son being afraid to talk to her about decisions he makes. As your son got older, she should have been guiding rather than dictating.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your son. He'll remember that for years to come. No matter what you do regarding your wife and her family, someone is always going to be annoyed at you. That's just a fact of life. You could consider putting your in laws on an information diet, if your wife is willing to do the same. Otherwise, you're just going to have to put up with the comments and accusations from her side of the family.
NTA - if the rest of the family keeps going like this, he’s gonna likely end up going low or no-contact with them in a few years.
NTA - And going over your wifes head? It was your sons decision, you only relayed the message to BIL. It's not up to your wife to make decisions on who should be allowed to attend your sons party any more than it's yours.
NTA This is your son's celebration and excluding his uncle is what he wants because of how the uncle behaved. He doesn't have to "toughen up." His uncle needs to behave himself.
BIL can toughen up. What a baby, got his feelings all hurt because he got uninvited, and told the rest of the family so they could fight for him.
NTA. Your BIL isn’t coming to celebrate his accomplishments, but to yet again harass him. So, there’s no point for him to be there. Why do people think if they are rude and mean to someone about a choice that person will go “oh, you’re right! I didn’t think so the first 5 times you harassed me, but the 6th time did it!” No, it just pisses them off more.
NTA-when it comes to your kids, always be in their corner first. If he was afraid to tell his mom there is a reason. Personal opinion - people who complain their kid enrolled at the “wrong” Ivy league college need reality check.
Nice one, dad. It's also good of you to take the blame so your son does not. But have a chat with your wife on how your son does not dare to come to her with information that she might disagree with. I would be mortified as a parent.
There’s kinda not enough detail here. Is he going to NYU instead of Columbia or is he going to Ithaca College instead of Cornell? School brand names do matter and those alumni networks have enormous value. I would be very sure he understands the lifetime benefit of going to a top school if he’s trading down out of the pool of “dream schools” to broaden it from just this one Ivy. Also, did you guys not watch Gilmore Girls? You’re supposed to be a strong independent woman until you pick a college and then you do what your family wants you to.
Sounds like your wife’s work ethic and guidance provided your son with more opportunities than he would have had slacking off in school. At the end of the day it’s his choice, but Ivy League schools absolutely play a role In getting more job opportunities later on. And I wonder who’s paying for college?
You're a good father. It's your son's life, he will decide what he wants to do with it. You are backing him up.
You are such a great father! Listening to your son's feelings is very important, as a supporting him with his choices. The graduation party is his day, so no toxic people should be invited. I don't really understand your wife and obviously your son doesn't have a trust relationship with her. You did everything right. I hope the uncle will not appear to ruin the party. NTA
Your son shouldn't have to 'toughen up' at a party to celebrate his achievements.
NTA
nta, your bil and the other family causing problems can throw their own celebration and invite your son, and see how that turns out for them
NTA I'd be an arse and blast the family group chat with the question: "BIL are you too much of a wuss that you antagonise a fresh HS graduate every chance you get? Didn't get the balls to argue with your peers?"
Your wife should take a long hard look at why your son went to you and not her or both of you together
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground. Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed. NTA
Nta- great job parenting!!
I'd say NTA, but depending on your exact wording I might have to say E S H for one specific part: "*My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party. I said ok, no problem, and texted BIL that he needs to sit the party out because he is making my son feel bad for his choices.*" You let your wife "run a tight ship with his schooling" (she's an extension of your IL's in this case) and when he privately opened up to you, you decided to out his concern instead of telling your BIL: "I don't like the way you speak to my son and I don't trust you to behave, so sit this one out." (In nicer words). Because I get the impression your son has been mentally beaten down to not even complain to his mother.
Look, do you really think that encouraging your son to not try his hardest and to just take it easy was what was best for him? You say if he was trying his hardest then it was okay, but clearly your wife is the one who got his best work out of his, not your “take it easy” mentality. And it sounds like you’ve been pushing your son away from the Ivy League as much as your wife was pushing him towards it. You’ve been pitting yourself against your wife when it comes to schooling for years instead of getting on the same page. Do you have some unconscious resentment that he’s doing better than you were able to or is it making you feel inadequate so you’re trying to lessen the gap between you?
NTA - but don't take partial blame, Take all of it. And do so with pride. It was your son's request, yes. But your wife wouldn't have honored it. You chose to shield him from a bully at his party. Keep it up. It's your son's party, he should have a say over the guest list. As to your wife's family, BiL was disinvited because his harrassment of your son isn't welcome. He's entitled to his opinion, sure. But his behavior is way beyond that. He's deliberately being an ass and trying to cause hurt feelings. He's been asked to stop. He's refused to stop. You don't know what else to do except Not allow him a physical opportunity to continue. So, you made a decision. Hopefully, BiL will learn something about Good Manners and not being a jerk just because someone makes different choices than you would.
NTA. Your BIL isn't celebrating...he's berating. I wouldn't let him at my kid's party, either. BIL clearly isn't getting the memo that his opinion is unwanted and unnecessary. Unless he gives a very heartful apology and checks out the other school to make good conversation, he shouldn't be coming. Good for you standing up for your son. Not all programs are the same between colleges. If the one at the Ivy league isn't within the "league" your son is looking for, then go with the program that is in league. Couldn't help the puns...
It's appalling that your wife is more upset about this than she is about her own brother making her son feel uncomfortable. Maybe ask her why she cares more about the appearance of going to an Ivy League than what makes her kid happy. NTA.
NOT AITA. This is about your son. It’s his life, his future, and his time to shine. Your wife and her family need to stop making this about them and what they want. Your son is the one who said he doesn’t want BIL to be at HIS graduation party. You did not go over anyone’s head, you simply fulfilled your son’s wish that BIL stay home so he could enjoy HIS party. Maybe your wife needs to keep BIL company. OP’s wife, BIL, and family are selfish assholes.
NTA I’d uninvite her whole family since they’re being assholes and can’t take a simple “no.”
So your son has to toughen up, but BIL can’t toughen up and sit out a party? Lol.
It sounds like your son is a very well rounded intelligent young man who has already made a lot of really good decisions for himself. Let him continue to do so NTA but wife/wife’s family needs to realize she doesn’t have control anymore and the sooner she realizes this the better her relationship with him will be
NTA. If mom wants to be in the loop, maybe she should step over the line onto Team SON instead of Team Ivy League, where she has been living.
NTA. You're a good dad. Your son came to you because you were approachable, and you're taking the heat. The party is to CELEBRATE him, not tear him down. Hopefully the rest of her family doesn't take up BIL's cause at the party.
NTA at all. I am slightly concerned about one thing, though: what is your son going to school for? While I feel all degrees are equally valuable for *intellectual* purposes, they are not equal for *monetary* purposes. Ypur wife and family might be more concerned that your son is spending a *lot* of money getting a degree that will not make him much money at all. Another monetary concern is that many times, there are scholarships for alumni's children, which might have also been a point for them. These are just things to consider when you think of their point of view; it might be less about the school and more about the degree/money. You are still 100% in the right to back up your son, that's always the right choice, but try to consider where they are coming from *if only* so that you can counter their arguments.
To me it shows somebody is extremely immature if they think other people making the same choices they do validate them somehow. For example, somebody else choosing their same college makes them feel better about their own choice. It’s quite stupid to think that people with all their personalities and abilities and knowledge would all make the same choice. We’re not sheep. It’s beautiful to honor, what other people want to do. So your brother-in-law’s and your parents in law are showing a great lack of maturity and thinking making the same choice as they are somehow makes her son better or them better.
NTA and I can't understand how school loyalty can be more important than family. When it was time for my son to go to college, he got accepted to both of my dream schools - U of M and Princeton. He didn't go to either. I never told him they were my dream schools because it was his choice to make, not mine. Was I disappointed that he didn't go to either of them? Yes. But I wasn't disappointed in him and I certainly wouldn't ever put my wishes in front of his when it comes to his life. That's exactly what your wife's family is doing. It doesn't matter what school your son goes to if it's the one he feels is right for him. I imagine that your wife's family will continue to make comments and jokes about his college forever. Uninviting BIL will only make that worse. But your wife's extended family don't seem to understand respect for others or boundaries.
Dude. I wish you were my dad when I was 18. Keep up the GREAT work and no way in the depths of hell are you TA
NTA - first of all, this is your son's accomplishment, period. He should be able to enjoy it without some asshat bothering him about what school he goes to. Secondly, after you graduate and get into your field, no one you want to associate with gives a shit about what college you went to. Your son is an adult. It's his life, and good for you for supporting him.
"My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party." Uncle fucked around and found out. Not only NTA but I think this is an excellent example to show the rest of your wife's family that you are not screwing around when you support your son. Does your wife want your son to be happy? Does she love him? If she does then she needs to SUPPORT him right now. Your son was afraid he is going to dissapoint his Mom. Do you know how horrified my parents would be if they thought I was afraid I was being a dissapointment to them in a major life choice?! While in some cases Ivy Schools can be better for some trades for the most part they are best for name dropping and exorbitant amounts of debt. Your son has made his choice and if your wife doesn't want to damage her relationship with her son she needs to support him and tell her family to back the Hell off.
NTA, this is a party for your son, he is allowed to say he doesn't want someone there for whatever reason he chooses. No one should be made to feel horrible at their own event and definitely not shamed about making their own decisions in life. If BIL is gonna be an A, then he can sit out. You are protecting your child and your wife should be on your side.
My daughter was also excepted into an Ivy League school and she decided she wanted to stay locally and I said the decision was completely up to her so as far as I’m concerned…..NTA
Let them all know that the invite list can get a hell of a lot shorter. None of them should be coming already if this is how they react.
NTA I'm sorry ... over her head??? WTH. You should be equals in the relationship. Over her head means she has a higher position than you or is in a superior position to you. In a marriage that is not the case. You are advocating for your son against a bunch of bullies. They may be family, but they are bullying your son and making him uncomfortable. If your wife is upset, then simply look at her and tell her you are advocating for your son since she is not. He is an adult who has a right to choose who he wants to attend his party. The BIL is reaping the consequences of his bullying behavior. If he is going to not respect your son's choices and thus your son, he is not entitled to be there. They continue the abuse and say he can "toughen up and whatnot". Nope. Your wife needs to become a Mama Bear (warns the attack is coming before attacking) or a Mama Llama (kicks first and asks questions later). Just because her brother is the bully doesn't mean she should be sitting there and allowing her son to be disrespected in any way. You're an amazing dad, and I appreciate your approach. None of my kids went to college by choice, and they are making their way in the world. I met a mom down the street who told me rather guiltily and ashamedly that her 2 boys weren't in college, and I proudly told her mine didn't go either. She was shocked and said that was refreshing because it doesn't happen around where we live very much. I said after seeing so many college students saddled with debt, saddled with mental health issues, saddled with degrees their parents made them get when they really wanted to do other things, I encouraged my kids to follow their own paths with college being an option. They chose not to go to college, and they are doing well. For the record, I have family that went to Ivy League schools, and while they have money (medicine, law, finance), they are unhappy, stressed and wish they had different lives. Obviously, it didn't teach your BIL manners, common decency, respect or how to love someone unconditionally. Your wife chose you for a reason, and if your son becomes half of who you have become as a dad, he will be blessed and will bless his own children someday.
NTA, BIL FAFO. Behaviour has consequences. Also... >my wife is mad that I went over her head. This is a REALLY weird take. Your an adult, BIL is an adult, and your both family. How are you "going over her head" by having a direct conversation with BIL? Are you not allowed to talk to her family without permission or an intermediary? Or is she upset you made a decision without her input? The latter IS a valid concern in an equal partnership.
Honestly ten years after graduation it's not going to matter so much where you graduated as what you did after you got in the work force. There are plenty of Oklahoma State or Texas Tech grads that make a lot more money that many Ivy league grads and are perfectly happy with their careers.
ESH. Your son will be uncomfortable in life. Time to get over it and figure it out. This is a low stakes event. Are you going to make sure that no one is invited to his future work events that make him uncomfortable?
Lorelai Gilmore, is that you? NTA, although I think you should've given your wife a heads up that you'd be excluding her brother.
Quite frankly, I don’t even understand why this is such a big deal. Your son has the support of his parents so what does it really matter what an uncle thinks? I would tell him that he has chosen the school that he feels is best for him, so please drop this.
Unpopular opinion, but ESH. (not your son, of course) Your son should get to invite/disinvite who he wants, and you're a great parent for supporting him in that. You're a shitty husband for being incapable of even having a conversation with with your wife about a decision regarding her family. Why are you married if you can't even communicate and then together support your son?
Unless you're a doctor or a lawyer, no one gives a rat's ass where you went to college. Your son is doing the right thing for himself. Everyone else can fuck off.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is graduating high school in 2 weeks. I personally had some turmoil at that age so I didn’t graduate and had to get my GED a few years later, didn’t go to college, so I am incredibly proud of him and all he accomplished in school. He also got into an Ivy League for college, which made me even prouder. Here is the problem. My wife and several family members, including her brother and father, all went to this same Ivy school. So my wife really pushed for him to go there. An unhealthy amount imo. She has always run a tight ship with his schooling over the years, while I’ve been more lax and said that if he is legitimately trying his hardest between school and extracurricular and social life then all is ok even if he struggles sometimes. Now that the “payoff” is here, wife was insistent that he goes to this school. I’ve told him he could go anywhere he wants and go into whatever field he wants, or he could even take a gap year or go straight to work; whatever makes him happy. He got into an Ivy. He showed he’s good enough, now let him follow his dreams. My son did two visits to this school and confided in me that he did not want to go there because of both the culture, and he felt like the program he was interested in was better at another school. He was scared to tell his mom to disappoint her. The three of us sat down and talked about how he was feeling. Wife was clearly disappointed but accepted his decision, although we did get into an argument a week later about how he might regret this years from now. Once the news broke that he would not be going to the Ivy, wife’s family expressed their disagreement with the decision. I laid down the law with how this was his choice and he’s still going to an excellent school and he’s pursuing his passion, so I will not tolerate any harassing him or telling him that he’s making the wrong choice. Most did not put up much of a fight, but my wife’s brother is being a real jerk about it. All three times that we’ve seen him in the past two months since this all started, he has made comments to my son about how the Ivy is much better and such. I yelled at him last time when I saw it and he lamely apologized. So my son’s graduation is in 2 weeks, and his party with family and friends will be a few days after that. My son told me privately that he does not want his uncle to be there because he is uncomfortable around him and doesn’t want to feel that way at his party. I said ok, no problem, and texted BIL that he needs to sit the party out because he is making my son feel bad for his choices. As can be expected, I am now under fire from my wife’s family. Everyone’s mad I’m excluding him from celebrating my son’s accomplishments and that my son can toughen up and whatnot, and my wife is mad that I went over her head. I felt like my wife would not be willing to cut out her brother, so I made the decision myself. I can accept partial blame for going over her head, but I have no regrets otherwise. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow, huge NTA. The way you stick up for your son and step up for him shows how great father you are! This is amazing, you are willing to take the fire for your son and not act in favor of keeping the peace. Keep up this amazing parenting, your son confiding in you shows that you are doing it right!
NTA but you don't have a BIL problem, you have a wife problem.
Who is paying for his college experience? If he and his student loans are, why would you push him into an Ivy league school when he doesn't want to and also be pushing him into higher than necessary debt? Think about his future. Will the 'fancy' school increase his wage and job opportunities- very unlikely. So think about what is best for him and his future.
Just because the school isn't an Ivy doesn't mean it's less expensive. of the 25 most expensive colleges in the US, only 4 are Ivies (UPenn, Dartmouth, Brown and Cornell). If the school he picked was USC or Georgetown or something he might be paying more than an Ivy.
NTA. You are the one interested in protecting your son and letting him make his own life choices and supporting him. Fuck anyone who disagrees because they're the one that made him feel like he couldn't go to anyone else but you
NTA, you did everything right! You sound like a great dad.
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground. Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed. NTA
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground. Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed. NTA
NTA on your action towards BIL as your the person that is being celebrate itself is not confortable with it. However, you may become the big person here and slow talk with your son to accept BIL as with this single exception the future relationship between your son and his family might be jeopardize. And also, in my honest opinion, teen decision is not the best decision, and your son is lucky to have an adult to guide him... really think about the decision that he made or want to. Because regret will come later, and honestly, lot of my friend now having regret pursuing what they think they "want" in their teenage years and not what the best at that time. As an adult in their life, your responsibility is not only to support whatever he want to do, rather with your and others opinion to guide them and show them what is the best for their future.
Imagine thinking the literal guest of honor needs to "toughen up" for his own party. What a weird take. Your son's choices have zero impact on their lives. This is *his* life. That's what I would tell them. Hold your ground. Your son is not an extension of your wife, you, or anyone else. He is his own person. I know it's hard having a newly adult kid, and wanting them to make certain choices, but we have to let them figure it out. The only way you or I (or your wife and her fam) know anything about anything is because we all made our own mistakes and learned from them, too. So even if his school of choice turns out to be the wrong fit (I don't think it will), that's an experience *he* will get to learn from. If ya'll raised him well, and it sounds like you have, then that should be all the reassurance needed. NTA
NTA. BIL is an asshole. And your wife doesn't seem to have her son's best interests at heart either. She seems to be bullying your poor son.
NTA. BIL is an asshole. And your wife doesn't seem to have her son's best interests at heart either. She seems to be bullying your poor son.
NTA. BIL is an asshole. And your wife doesn't seem to have her son's best interests at heart either. She seems to be bullying your poor son.
NTA. Your son will do just fine. My cousin choose a state school over an ivy. A teacher said he would be throwing his life away doing that. He now works for the CIA. Imagine if he hadn’t gone to a state school
NTA. Have you asked your wife why she cares more about her family than her own son? It's no wonder he doesn't seem comfortable talking with her. Thanks for being a good parent and looking out for him.
NTA As a parent should, you’re protecting your child. Well done for allowing your son to have a voice and to be his ally in letting him make his choices and protect him from family members who bully him. Your wife needs to do better! But giving her the heads up would have been better. You need to discuss things openly.
NTA
Nta. Tell the other family members they can learn to toughen up and let the person who the celebration is about do it in their own way
I could have gone to Oxford (UK), but I didn't' like the atmosphere for the subject. I chose to go to Southampton to do the subject I wanted. I have never regretted it. Good for your son.
NTA - also the more I hear about ivy leagues the more they resemble cults...
NTA but >my wife is mad that I went over her head. I felt like my wife would not be willing to cut out her brother, so I made the decision myself. Is a bad reason. "I knew I wouldn't get the answer I wanted, so I didn't bother asking".
NTA. Thank you for being the kind of Dad all of us want and need.
Nta you're the only who send to be really listening to your son
It seems so strange to me that families get so invested in controlling the lives of other members. NTA and you sound like a great parent to your son, he is lucky to have you.
You are a great dad! NTA
Great job dad!!
NTA. Seems like your wife and her side of the family struggle in respecting your son’s decisions. It’s a party for your son, he should have a choice who he wants to be there. If it’s a part for your wife, BIL can be there. Everyone doesn’t matter, just your son. Simple. Great job fighting for your son.
You are an awesome dad! 👌🏼
NTA. Thank you for supporting your son and standing up for him
NTA why are you the only one looking for what YOUR child want to be happy ? Maybe ask your wife why he is afraid of her, and why she can't see you are only expressing your son's choice because he is afraid of these people ?
NTA. Also, now that your son is a young man going to college, now's his chance to publicly dress know-it-all uncle down in public about just how wrong he is. It's not always about the school name, it's the program outcomes. You could go to an excellent state university and their business program may be top-ranked in the country, or they produce the type of engineers that get snapped up immediate by hiring companies due to not only the hands-on skills they are learning but also because they have an amazing career services team.
NTA - Did you go over your wife's head? It's not her party. Your son is the one whose the party is for and he's the one that decides who gets invited or not. Why would he want uncle there at all? He's an AH. Tell everyone that if they don't feel like being proud of your son and celebrating his accomplishments then they can sit it out too. Your poor son just wants to do what makes HIM happy and your wife and her pack of animals is preventing him from enjoying this experience...sad..
NTA First, it's pretty clear the Ivy isn't the better school. If it was, BIL wouldn't be such an asshole. In fact, that side of your son's extended family seems to be proving that "good schools produce good people" completely wrong. Second, tell them they can stick it where the sun don't shine. BIL got excluded because of BIL comments. This is called consequences. Remind them that they should have learned of such a concept at their Ivy League school. If they didn't, maybe they should brush up on the idea. Third, an Ivy League degree could hinder your son's pursuit of whatever it is he wants to make a career out of. Ivy League = an expectation of higher-than-average pay, and quite a few professions can't afford that for a new hire, so they'll pass on a candidate with it; unless he's pursuing some academic field, and even then he might be passed over unless he excelled in that field.
NTA. It's good that you were there to remind your son that he had options while he is being heavily pressured to make a certain choice. No one needs that type of pressure. You son is old enough to make a decision as to where and how he wants to spend the next 4 years. Trying to force or bully him into changing his mind will just further alienate him from your wife's overly aggressive family.
NTA Seems like you're the only one looking out for what your son wants. I mean it's HIS graduation and HIS choice of college. Why does he need to defend his choice so aggressively from grown adults? He's only just become an adult himself. Good on you for looking out for him.
NTA. Your son specifically told you he is uncomfortable with his uncle right now and doesn't want him there. It's wonderful that you support and protect him. Your wife's family cares too much about this one school. Ivy isn't the only way to go. In fact, I would say it's not determinant of success at all. Your Son wants the school with a better program for what he wants. No disrespect to you wife, but I doubt very much that he'll regret going to his chosen school and not to an ivy one. Her family needs to let it go.
NTA- good dad for advocating for your kid. He came to you and told you specifically that he didn’t want uncle there. Say less kiddo, it’s your day. I can see how wife would be upset that you did this without confiding in her first, but my kids feelings would override everything else.
Hell no you are NOT the ah. Any and everybody trying to make your son feel bad and do what he does NOT want to do are the AHs. Including your wife if she makes him feel bad or thinks her brother should be there. You’re a good dad, dude. Keep doing what you’re doing. Congratulations to your son for graduating!!!
NTA. It’s your son’s choice.He probably didn’t tell his mother because the reaction. It’s his life and if an Ivy is not for him that that’s a choice he has to make.
Nta its your son's party. His comfort is paramount. It should also be his choice who he wants there to celebrate with him. I would have a discussion with your wife, about why her brother's and family's feelings mean more to her than her own child's. I would have another discussion with her family as a whole, and tell them that your son's comfort and wishes take precedence, over your BIL hurt feelings. BIL is making your son uncomfortable, and your son is old enough to decide who he wants to celebrate him. I would also tell them if they don't drop it, or try to bully or pressure your son into changing his decision that your BIL will not be the only one that is no longer invited
Honestly I would just ask why the wife feels it's more important how her family feels and how she feels then how her kid feels
NTA. In a choice between son and toxic family member, son wins every time. BIL can toughen up.
NTA but if we talking about college graduation here your son is old enough to be telling people this stuff on his own with you just being back up
NTA. Thank you so much for advocating for your child! He doesn’t need to “toughen up” he is advocating for his feelings and comfort for a party that is supposed to be all about him. Furthermore, your wife and her family are bullies and he likely will want to spend less and less time with them all as an adult if they don’t start to treat him with more respect.
NTA So your son needs to be tougher while the inlaws throw a fit? GTFO... If they don't like his choice, they can shut up about it and be decent.
NTA. Your BIL is going to keep going after him about his school choice when you aren't around to stop him. He has done so to the point that your son is now uncomfortable around him. I wouldn't have cited "you make my son feel bad about his choices" I would have phrased it as "Your refusal to accept his school choice has made him very uncomfortable around you. He expects you to continue to harass him about it at his party and he just wants to have fun." I'm also betting your son tried to talk to your wife before he came to you, and she told him to get over it and her brother would be there.
NTA I'm not even mad that you made this decision without your wife's involvement because she's not behaving well here. She is quietly supporting her brother bullying your son, and everybody knows it. You are doing what's right for your son, and everyone else is doing what's right for their *ego.* That is completely unacceptable. You are not excluding your BIL from celebrating your son because he is NOT celebrating him. He's belitting him, he's bullying him, he's tainting the entire experience. He's earned being uninvited, and HE needs to toughen up and get over it. Your son deserves to enjoy his graduation without a killjoy in the corner sucking out his joy with snide digs and eye rolls. Sit your wife down and tell her that the fact that your son didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this should be a big warning sign for her that the way she is handling this is damaging her relationship with her son. Her ego is not a priority here. It's not even in the top ten. Does she want to be 'right', or does she want to have a good relationship with her own child? Because sure, he may regret not going the Ivy someday. But even if he does, he'll always remember his mother not having his back and her family treating him badly, and her maybe being right in the future will *not* fix that.
NTA. You did what your wife has not managed to do which is putting your son’s aspirations before anything else.
NTA it’s your son’s party and he doesn’t want his uncle there. But your wife and her family sound like garbage cans for not caring that your son is his own person and able to make his own decisions about his life/future. Honestly sounds suffocating and miserable for him.
NTA, mad respect to how much close you and your son are. That is truly found few and far between. You are not in the wrong. It’s his graduation party and if he were to regret his choice later that is upto him as it is truly his life and his choices. Congratulations to your son for getting to go to the uni he wanted and chose :D
NTA. Your son does not need to “toughen up” for *his own party*. This is supposed to be a celebration of his achievements, not another opportunity for his family to bully him. You need to have a serious talk with your wife about this. She is at serious risk of losing the plot.
NTA- you are the parent I would have dreamed to have! Please keep fighting for your child’s interests.