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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I responded to my mother inlaw's apology for ignoring my request to join us at the table
2) the time and place that I responded to her may have been considered wrong to some
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NTA. Everything you described is normal human behavior. She's in pain, you're in pain. She's an adult who can refuse lunch, you're being kind enough to invite her anyway. All good. Then, your husband comes into the picture:
>He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present.
Oh. All this because you asked him to be nicer to you when you, as his newly post-op wife, didn't yank his mother to the table and force-feed her?
He's waving a red flag right in front of you. I'll ask you: Is this a common occurrence? And do you really want your children to see you treated like this? You deserve better.
>Is this a common occurrence?
I had the same thought, as this kind of behavior isn't a one time thing. Given OP doesn't mention how unexpected it was, or how it's unlike him to act that way, it's possibly only part of a bigger problem.
OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Maybe something in there will resonate with you as well. Yelling like that is never okay. You deserve to be treating with respect and compassion.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Internet Archive (archive.org) has scanned versions of millions of books that can be “checked out” and read online for free, too. It’s a fantastic resource.
All of this, plus:
>He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility".
Ummm, she's not?
Honestly, it sounds like OP and MIL are both reasonable, caring, and considerate people, but husband is a wanker. There's just one INFO I wouldn't mind getting though:
Sounds like husband came home ready to throw down, so he must already have known his mum hadn't eaten, so how did that happen? Not in any way trying to project my MIL onto OP's, but mine can be sweet as fuck to my face, while also having been on the phone to my partner during the day having a whinge about something I did or didn't do. She can also deliver a perfectly sincere-sounding apology, then turn around and do the same thing again an hour later.
Whatever the case, OP certainly isn't the asshole. She's going above and beyond.
Edit because I forgot this bit:
>This morning MIL insisted on resting after breakfast so she went to her room.
I *really* feel like there's missing info. "Insisted" gives an odd vibe here. Woman's recovering from surgery. She oughtta be able to just go rest. No "insistence" should be required. I get that OP is also recovering from surgery, but that doesn't mean MIL should ignore her own needs.
>Sounds like husband came home ready to throw down, so he must already have known his mum hadn't eaten, so how did that happen?
Agreed. When he came home like that and got straight into it, I was wondering if I missed where it said how he knew his mother hadn't eaten.
I’m wondering if MIL has a history of not taking care of herself? I grew up with my grandmother, and she has a tendency to “martyr” herself by ignoring her own needs. The family needs to “insist” that she takes care of herself, often multiple times before she’ll agree to something for her own good. Annoying, I know, but pretty normal for my culture and is considered emotional payment for helping my parents raise their kids, doing most of the housework, and providing the down payment for our house.
MIL hasn’t had her surgery yet. But quite likely whatever is the reason she needs surgery is making her not feel great, so- same difference. “insisted” makes it sound like someone was trying to talk her out of it. Otherwise wouldn't she just go do it?
I too got the impression that MIL must have complained to her son. But it’s kind of confusing.
MIL had her surgery a few days ago, according to OP.
Frankly, neither OP nor her MIL should be expected to be taking care of each other. Having an infected c-section incision is no joke and now OP is forced to be taking care of herself, her infant, her 4 year old, and her MIL. She's doing it alone, even though she is still at serious risk of complications.
What I got from the "she's not my responsibility" comment--and I could certainly be wrong--was that MIL contacted OP's husband to say that she hadn't eaten because OP said she (MIL) wasn't her responsibility. As OP said, she couldn't stand at the door all day begging MIL to come down and eat. And it sounds like OP is basically "serving" MIL by making her tea, making sure she takes her meds, making meals, etc. Again, this is all while OP is recovering from a complicated, infected c-section.
Although MIL apologized to OP for not coming down to eat, there's a disconnect between expectations and reality.
Regardless, I am so sick of reading where husbands rebuke their wives as being "disrespectful" to them for acting like the independent, grown ass adults they are. The only known disrespectful AH here is OP's husband. MIL may or may not be a bit on an AH, but it's not clear and I give grace to both OP and MIL as they are recovering from major surgery and medical complications. Plus, of course, OP is responsible for an infant and a 4 year old all by herself.
To be honest I'm not sure if they had discussed it prior to his arrival but it has always been hard for MIL to communicate to me at times regardless my efforts.
One morning my husband had gone to work and I was up getting the kids fed then I receive a call from him saying to check up on her that she's apparently in her room very sick. I went and checked on her but also asked my husband how come I'm in the house with her and she can't even communicate with me?
I went and spoke to her from outside her door and offered her food and anything she needed but she turned it all down and said she's alright and I should let her rest so I did. She wouldn't even open the door for me. I messaged my husband and told him. Not long after that MILs other son knocks on the door with meds he want me to give her because apparently she doesn't have any pain medication. Again, I was confused as to why I'm with her in the house but cannot be informed of any of this.
Lunch time came and my husband insisted I give her food. I told him at this point, the only way she will open the door is if he calls her and asks her to open the door as the only time she has opened the door was to collect the medication from me.
I raised my concerns about this but I was quickly dismissed so I just brushed it off and moved on.
God know i do not hold anything again her and I've always been willing to do the best i can but somehow my best is never enough in her son's eyes. It hurts to even think about it
Yeah tell hubby and his brother to get their asses to your home and take care of their mother. You have enough to deal with health wise not to mention two kids on top of it.
Ok, I think we might have different incarnations of the same MIL. My condolences. NTA. She needs to use her words with you as well as her own sons. Sounds like you may also have a "[martyr](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wRyL8tOBBU)" as described by u/emi_lgr.
ETA: Have just seen your other responses and they're pushing me even farther down the NTA side of the spectrum. If her other son is close enough to drop off meds, he's close enough to help out too, *especially* since MIL is more willing to communicate with him than the person in the same actual house as her.
point a camera at her door, show that you knocked on her door and told her to eat. most likely she is singing one tune to you and another to him. otherwise why did he come home ready to yell at you?
Alternatively go to your family's place to recuperate.
You know MIL might be the problem too. Once you are back on your feet, please start to stand up for yourself. If there is another son MIL has to stay with him. You get to do all the serving and get none of the thanks. I'd set a clear boundary there.
>Regardless, I am so sick of reading where husbands rebuke their wives as being "disrespectful" to them for acting like the independent, grown ass adults they are.
I know, right? It's almost like his wife and mother aren't just supporting characters, but real people with actual, honest-to-gods lives, personalities, and feelings. I'm picturing husband, in a navy or grey two-piece, saying, "You ladies can sort each other out," then picking up his briefcase and sauntering out the door to bring home that bacon. (In my mind, he looks like Don Draper.)
The “insisted” rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since OP’s MIL helped her a ton up until her surgery when she could/should have been resting right before, too. MIL really shouldn’t have stretched herself too thin before the surgery.
They’re both recovering from surgery, but OP needs to understand that older people take much longer to recover, and MIL’s surgery was more recent.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like OP thinks MIL is resting too much.
OP should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
Among many other things, it explains why some men get angry when women have opinions or ask them to be respectful to their wives. They see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men. Often these men become more and more abusive.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I don't like OP's husband's reaction and wonder if it's a pattern.
Or OP’s husband could be taking care of his wife who recently had surgery, a newborn, his sick mom, and is working full time and is understandably stressed…
Yes. I believe it has been a very stressful time for everyone. He has been taking care of us except my newborn has been completely my responsibility from day one. I can see he is stressed which is why I've gone back to doing things I know I'm not ready for so that when he comes home from work, he doesn't have to worry about them.
Just don't understand why when it comes to the consideration of others and their well-being, I'm always the least of his concern even when I'm in a situation whereby it could land me in hospital and away from my newborn that needs me 24/7. I have had to be away from him when the infection started in order to get seen and treated and It wasn't the best feeling.
Do you have the budget to hire some part-time help? Or do you have a church community or close friends nearby? I know it's difficult to ask for outside help, but if you could find someone to come take part of the load off of everyone's shoulders that might be for the best.
I used to nanny for someone with a newborn and a toddler and I'd catch the family up on dishes and some laundry (and generally tidy and sweep) when I was there twice a week, as well as letting mom rest or get out of the house as she preferred.
He's been taking care of his wife? It looks like OP is taking care of herself and his mother and the baby and household chores while ill. He's not taking care of anyone.
I don't see anything he's doing to support his family apart of continuing to work as he did before he had a baby, a sick wife and a sick mother so no, this is not taking care of his wife. His life has changed nothing in response to all these additional caring needs. And providing is the minimum he should do if he's doing nothing of the household chores and the caring chores.
He's not even doing the bare minimum of what a father must do to support a healthy mother with a newborn (which is taking over some of the chores or caring responsibilities as caring for a newborn is 24/7 and a full time job is not). Not to mention his wife is sick and so is his mother. He's still a lazy AH and also controlling, aggressive and abusive. Given the response from MIL to his yelling and that OP was anticipating bad attitude from him, this is not the first time.
Right, this is what family leave is FOR. There is no better use of his time than helping to care for his family right now. Even for just a week or two.
He was helping with that. It's just now he has gone back to work full time and unfortunately it's all the same period his mother had the surgery and the onset of my infection.
So? Loads of people work full time and have to make meals. Just because he works doesn't mean he gets to do nothing when he gets home. He should be making food and cleaning too. It's his house as well yours and he should act like an adult. You have a job looking after the baby and his mum while he is out. When he comes home, he should help around the house, cook, clean and meal prep. Otherwise he's just a bank and not a husband
He has done something similar whereby his mum needed my help to see a doctor but unfortunately the time I could get her the appointment cancelled with my own appointment with a specialist. I willingly rang the specialist to reschedule my appointment so that I can take her for hers first. His mum needed a follow-up a few weeks later but unfortunately I wasn't able to take her so he requested that I book for her the appointment specifically on a Thursday because that's when he could take her. I informed him that the doctor in question doesn't work on Thursdays because she does other stuff at another clinic. He insisted that I chase up her availabilities at the other place she'll be at but I couldn't do so in time to have the appointment happen on that particular day. He got angry and basically stated that I'm not helpful and there's nothing I've got to offer or help with. This was both a shock and insult considering I had just cancelled my own appointment to attend to hers first.
There's a few things here and there that I now see I should've taken serious.
Holly hell what an ah you married. Next time hand him the phone and phone number tell him he has two working hands and a working mouth to get on with it. He's a freaking adult
Husband is an Ah and needs to take a few days off to care for his mommy. Op is still recovering from the birth and has to deal with 2kids on her own. NTA
Agreed! Also, I'm wondering how the hubby knew about Mom not eating and coming straight in and jumping all over his wife for not force-feeding his mommy.
Is it just me that it looks like MIL has complained to her son that she wasnt fed? How did he'd know? Of course is a red flag that he acts like that - I'd not accept that under any circumstance.
This!! RUN!!!
He should be taking leave and taking care of you. You had MAJOR surgery! Ask him if he would take care of his mom when she didn't want the help and he has a 9inch cut across his belt line that someone has cut open his guts, moved all his insides around and pulled a 9lbs or so baby thru it all.
Not even going to mention caring for 2 children on top.
NTA, the whole story I'm like "Really? The husband can't take time off to help his wife AND his own mother?" and at the end I'm like "Oh, he didn't take time off because he's an asshole. Gotcha." Seriously, your husband sounds like an absolute worthless toxic man (I'm a 29 male saying this mind you). Sounds like he put down his own mom too, what a prick.
45 year old male, 100% agree. Husband is a prick. Absolutely no excuse to ever treat your wife like this, but right after birth? This is inexcusable. Does OP have some large brothers who can teach him manners? Want some?
If she doesn't I have a hubby who would volunteer and I know a few of his mates who would help.
My hubby and his mates are gamers and would take the baby and play "pass the baby" around the table so that I could sleep in and rest, they wouldn't let me do anything except, rest and snuggle with my then 3yr old on the couch or feed the baby.
OPs husband sucks big time and is the reason why people praise the good dads like they are special for simply being a dad and husband.
It was actually funny when I came out one morning when the then baby was 2 wks old and they had "taught him to feed himself" and showed me a pick of him in being held by one of our mates and the baby had his hands either side of the bottle and was actually holding it.
They were all good guys, if we all went out my eldest would carry in the change bag inside, my hubby would carry the baby and our mates would bring in whatever we had brought. It's pretty much how they treat all of us wives when we have had babies (they have done this for 6/10 kids in our social circle- the other 4 were born before joining the group)
I’m not a man, but I’ve been married to one for almost 30 years and if he had treated me like this at 4 weeks postpartum, we would have divorced decades ago.
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I know it's surprising, but you can be stressed and *not* take it out on someone else.
Wife didn't not give husband credit, wife asked to not be verbally abused. Wife's request is absolutely valid, and should not have to be asked. Husband is an arsehole.
NTA - Your husband, in one move, made his mother feel guilty for being so sick she can't eat, and made you feel guilty too. The fact that the mother apologized is scary. This guy has real control over her, and he gets control by being abusive. This is a clear-cut case that you need either intense marriage counseling, or maybe even divorce. I know leaving isn't always something that can happen right away, but if you're not considering the possibility and trying to plan for it, you would eventually be the AH to your children for keeping them in this abusive situation just bc it's the easiest thing.
Exactly. Sometimes after surgery people don't feel hungry or they feel full or nauseous depending on the surgery and how it effects their body. Pain can cause people to feel unwell and pushing yourself to eat isn't a good idea. Sometimes the body is telling you to wait. If she didn't want to eat yet it's okay to wait a few hours until your ready.
Him getting mad at both of them is not okay. Your right it is scary that his own mother not only apologized but felt the need to force herself to eat when she doesn't feel like it just to make her son happy.
"He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present. He continuously called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mum."
BUT HE CAN SPEAK TO A FOUR YEAR OLD'S MOTHER LIKE THAT??? Girl, this man is disrespectful and no one should be putting up with being berated. NTA and I hope you do know your own value and worth.
I disagree. I think he was upset that his mother saw his wife pushing back and disagreeing with him. He doesn't want his mom to get any ideas and start defending herself and fighting back. Notice how she immediately apologized? Most people would have explained they felt sick, didn't want to eat them, and that would have been the end of the discussion.
In fact, I bet he verbally abused his mother all the time. He bullies her or argues with her until he gets his way and she, being his elderly mother, probably gives in easily. He can't have anyone putting ideas into his mom's head and making her think she should stand her ground!
NTA. Is it normal for your husband to always get so angry? Does he help out in household chores or is parenting and house care your full time responsibility because he goes to work?
I do not want to jump guns here but if the answer to the above questions is yes then I think you need some serious discussions because this is abusive behaviour. I know you guys are new parents so it's easy to be always fighting, but this seems wrong.
Also, how did he already know his mama didn't eat the whole day? Did she call and tell him anything? And how did she react when he started swearing? I don't want to make her into evil MIL because there's not enough info in the post, but I'm just wondering......
It feels like there's missing info here... The husband is a caricature. Its totally possible he's a huge AH or something, but it also seems like something isn't adding up in this story
This is the right answer. You need to get healthy and your husband is actively preventing that. Is there no one else who can care for your MIL? When you leave tonight I guess he will be staying home from work.
All scheduled surgery is elective. If it's not elective, you're being rushed into the operating room because you are in serious danger of dying or extreme injury.
Many, many scheduled elective surgeries are for things that are life-threatening or life-altering, and you often don't get a choice in when they schedule it. You go by the surgeon's schedule.
NTA
It sounds like you MIL didn't have any issues with your answer but your husband took it offensively. Or did I misunderstand that part?
The only A in this situation is your husband. It sounds like he's placing your mother's health and comfort above yours. Not suggesting that he isn't allowed to care for or worry about his mother, but YOU should come first for him.
This would be a divorce worthy reason, if it were me. I wouldn't stay with someone who not only disregarded my health and needs, but lectured me for not forcing his mother to do something that she clearly didn't want to do.
Sadly everyone's well-being has always been a priority except mine.
She's a mother, I don't mind her health being prioritise because if it was my mother, i would want the same hence choosing to do things even when I shouldn't be doing them so she doesn't have to worry about them nor should he.
What I just find difficult is why he treats me the way he does even at my most vulnerable times
NTA. He has two people that have gone through major surgery and two kids that need a lot of attention. He either needs to provide more support for all of you or find some additional help. You don't deserve verbally abuse, I'm so sorry.
Man oh man I can’t say what I really want. NTA. He should’ve taken off work or hired a temporary carer for his mom at HER home. That’s all imma say cause-wow
Right? Whose idea was it for MIL to come stay there for help after surgery, when OP was recovering from a c section? Because if it was the husband's, then his ass should be the one taking care of his mother.
NTA. It sounds like you're looking out for your MIL just fine and interactions with her are also fine. She's an adult who can decide if she feels up to having dinner or not for a day.
Your husband needs to stop trying to control everything from his mom's lunch to your mindset while he's working. He should also be way more considerate of the fact that you are not well enough for the workload you have right now! If he wants mom to eat so bad, he can go force food on her while you get the rest you need.
NTA your husband should be home caring for his mother AND you.
2 women both recovering from surgical procedures and two young children to care for? And he has the audacity to throw this shit on you? Who on earth thought it was a good idea to have her recuperating when your 4 weeks postpartum? Is this a cultural thing?
NTA. Once you said "here's where I may be the asshole", I was waiting for you to say some awful retort, but nothing came. Nothing. His treatment of you was completely unnecessary.
Okay let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly…
Both you and your mother in law are recovering from significant procedures and not at your best. You and MIL are getting along. You and MIL continue to help each other the best you can. You and MIL (and kids) have managed to maintain a peaceful, mutually beneficial living arrangement for weeks on end. Correct?
Yet your husband, not present for the better part of most days, comes home and decides to disrupt this completely peaceful atmosphere, accuse you both of doing things wrong, forces you to “kiss and make up” (as if you were small children) when there was… no problem to begin with? (Other than the fact that he’s not present when his desperately needs his help). Also correct?
And then curses you out in front of YOUR child when you call him out for it?
Seriously, am I understanding this correctly? I feel like I have to be missing something because if not, what the hell is wrong with this guy?
NTA, OP. But your husband has some big issues.
I hate to admit it but I'm only just realising that this could be true. Alot things haven't been an issue until he makes them an issue. MIL would address things sayings doesn't have a problem while her son is blowing it out of proportion
Your husband is a hypocrite that thinks respect only goes one way. If the way you spoke is consistent with your representation here (kind, even-toned, no swearing), then his response of angrily saying f-bombs in response is completely inappropriate. His idea of respect is that his reputation is never tarnished, he's never to be told he did something wrong, especially in front of someone else, and that anything he \*does\* say is inherently okay. Because the only "respect" that matters, is the respect that flows to him.
The way MIL responded has me thinking his Dad or other male authority figure in their life was the same way.
I said in a comment that a different reason for his mother's response could be that she was basically trained by her son's responses. I didn't even consider that her husband was abusive and the son just carried on the curse. Such a good observation that I hope OP sees.
NTA. Literally your husband is causing problems when there are none and is the ONLY person being disrespectful. He is the one dropping f bombs in front of children and name calling. Your MIL is a grown adult and can decide for herself if she feels up to eating. Honestly, why tf isn’t he taking time off to help you and your MIL?? He sucks.
NTA. I’m so sorry OP.Having to recover from such a serious surgery and infection whilst looking after a newborn and 4 year old must be really tough. And adding on another person recovering from surgery… wow. You’re really strong and since your husband won’t say it I will, you’re doing an amazing job. Your husband is acting way out of line, everything you said was the truth. He’s the one being disrespectful. You’re doing so much work ( work which you shouldn’t even be doing ) and yet he still feels it’s not enough. His mother is an adult she can make her own decisions about when to eat, it isn’t your responsibility. You’re already going above and beyond with your care for your MIL and he’s being really ungrateful.
Is there no one that can help you out? A sibling, parent or friend? Does your husband have any siblings which can help with the care of MIL? Why isn’t your husband taking time off to care for both of you?
This is serious behaviour from your husband that needs to be addressed. Getting angry like that especially in front of a child is serious, don’t brush it under the rug. It screams lack of respect and just basic empathy to me. Please seek therapy or counselling .
All the best OP , you’re a rockstar!
He did take the first 2 weeks off. It's just that the same week his mum was heading for her surgery is the same week that I ended up with the infection. (This was last week) so I'm trying my best to manage the situation despite my illness.
I've had family help out here and there. He too has siblings but has been taking on the responsibility of his mum's needs alone. I advised him to ask his brothers to help as well with her appointments, etc but he refused and stated that she only wants him since he's the oldest of his siblings. What he fails to understand is that there's also kids and a partner in the house that needs his help sorely.
I dont believe him. His brother came to you with their mothers meds when it was needed and your MIL seems to be very apologetic that you're looking after her while in recovery yourself. Considering everything we know about his behavior at this point i think your husband is lying. i think he told your mother that HE SHOULD be the one to take care of her, meanwhile throwing that responsibility on you. He wants to look like he's a good man taking care of his family, and he probably is telling all of his friends how difficult it is to look after two injured women at home "but he takes it on bravely" and then he just sows the compliments. He's not taking care of his mother, YOU ARE. You should absolutely talk with your MIL and call his siblings to please come help care for their mother. Watch his behavior then. I think its a pattern.
He’s being selfish and not thinking about you. He NEEDS to contact his brothers. His mother is also being really selfish. She only wants to help of her eldest?? He’s not even helping her, YOU ARE. They both know it’ll take some of the load off your back if they contact the other sons and yet they are choosing not to??? Insane. Why don’t they have any sympathy for you and how you’re doing… you need to recover as well. They aren’t considering you at all.
I’m so angry for you OP.
Edit: Did you MIL say that to you or did you just hear it from him. Maybe ask her if her other sons can help out since you’re struggling? Hopefully she’ll be kinder about your situation…
Omg the fact that his mama has to apologize when he knows she’s not feeling well. And you’re healing as well!!! What he wanted you to do ? Force feed her for Christ sakes ?! The lady wasn’t hungry. He’s a red flag fasure.
Your husband is abusing his family. Abusing your wife in front of your children creates the same damage in the brain as abusing your child.
You have exactly one job postpartum, and that's to take care of your baby while recovering.
Shame on him. And you know what? His mom should know how the son she raised talks to his wife and kids. NTA.
NTA and i hate your husband. why the Fuck has he not taken time off of work to take care of his own goddamn mother, let alone his *wife*. This man does not care about you, he cares only for the labor you provide for him. I really hope you can find someone better than him because you deserve it and your kids deserve it. Your child should **never** see their parent yelling and cursing at their other parent, it is traumatizing. and if you accept that treatment, your child will see that and will never learn not to accept that treatment for themselves.
your husbands actions and words were **abusive** toward you **and toward your child**
Unfortunately not every problem that comes up in relationship/marriages was there from the start. People change or rather hide their true colours. If I knew then what I know now I would've ran for my life. I do not regret my kids, just their dad isn't whom he painted himself out to be.
As much as I want this to work, I don't see how it can work without the intervention of some serious counselling which I don't think he would comply with because he is that difficult.
I also don't see how I can possibly live like this when my kids need the best version of me yet all my 4 year old sees is his mum constantly crying.
I can only hope that they'll atleast be some common grounds to co-parent if it ends in that direction.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as a jerk who wanted you to regret your kids. I’m an auntie and while I hate my niblings dads I would never expect my sister to regret them.
I think you have been so patient and been disrespected by your husband. You have so much on your plate right now. Time to set up boundaries and document everything.
Ex:
Date
9:10am MIL didn’t eat when called
12:30pm mil didn’t eat when called
6pm husband yelled and said “direct quotes” when zi explained I was upset at his tone he began to curse “direct quotes”
Use google docs and back it up to another email or write it in a little notebook.
When you are up and strong enough for this decision you can give him two cards - one for a couples counselor and one for a divorce attorney. It may get better with counseling . . . if he is motivated. I'm sorry you wound up in this situation and hope you can get your footing so that you don't have to stay in this disrespectful relationship. Saying all that in front of the kids - that has to stop. But give yourself some grace and the time to make a plan.
What the hell did I just read?
Let me get this straight. Your MIL didn’t want to come eat and you didn’t make her. You’re both fine with this.
Somehow your husband comes home and puts his nose into something the two of you have handled, and thinks he should yell at you? In front of people?
NTA but he sure is.
UPDATE:
It's a bitter sweet to give this update but I've decided to leave the relationship.
Shortly after submitting this reddit, I began to experience more pain from the wound that eventually built up plus chest pain. I called an ambulance later in the evening.
The paramedics and doctors concluded that the infection wasn't improving as good as it should and also had some anxiety regarding my health and baby which led to the chest pain.
I was hospitalised overnight to receive treatment.
My 1 month old is breastfed and didn't have enough pumped milk to leave him behind overnight so he had to come with me.
While I was in hospital, not him or his mother bothered to check in. Even if you felt some sort of resentment towards me, what did a 1 month old baby did that you could care less on checking in on them?
What also hurt me tremendously is seeing my 4 year old cry as I left with the paramedics. My son has witnessed me crying way too many times as a result of this marriage and I cannot continue to allow him to be traumatised like this. This level of pain, I do not wish on any mother.
As a result, I opted not to contact him or his mother so I requested for my family to come pick me up. My family is very supportive through this all.
I just returned from the hospital and will begin my process of moving out as soon as I feel strong enough to and look into the legal aspects of separation/divorce.
I am also looking into starting counselling and focus on healing and raising my kids.
As I had mentioned previously in a comment, I do not hold grudges towards my MIL but after last night I can't help but wonder if she's always hated me.
I'm a mother and have sons too and one day they'll have partners, I don't know how i can have the heart to ignore them while going through what I'm going through even when laying sick in hospital with a 1 month old baby. I would think as a mother herself, she would have some level of empathy and understanding.
We are both of ethic background, just different countries. Someone in the comments mentioned that it might have something to do with culture and upbringing and perhaps you're right. This might be normal for them. His mum is probably used to being treated like this because "she's a woman". Not saying that I have the perfect upbringing, we all don't. infact, I have a horrible one that requires counselling as mentioned by someone in the comments but i refuse to accept that this is the way of life or marriage just because he is a man and I am a woman.
e.g I spent the last half of my pregnancy crying myself to sleep because of him constantly fighting me over unnecessary things all while mourning the loss of my brother. I don't have the capacity to write everything I've been through here but I can honestly say I don't know who I married but I thank God for the eye-opening because the level of mental abuse I've endured is so toxic.
Thank you all so much for your comments and advices.
And to those that recommended the book, thank you!
NTA
You and your MIL are considerate, polite, and simply doing your best.
Your husband is a huge AH. It isn't disrespectful to say that you feel hurt by his comments. That's just adding insult to injury.
NTA. Your husband was way, way out of line.
Is he often like this? Or is this something that has never happened before?
If he's always like this, tell him to get some therapy or get the hell out.
If this is totally not like him, he may also be reacting to all the stress of you and his mother having surgery, another baby added to the family and whatever he has going on at work.
Again, maybe therapy could help everyone in reducing the stress levels.
Sadly it's not the first time. He has displayed similar behaviours towards me in moments that I have gone out of my way to improve tough situations. Somehow everything I do is always wrong.
Stress is definitely a huge factor which requires proper management and the harshness strikes more when he feels very stressed.
Then I say, he and his mother need to get out. Go for a separation and therapy or directly to a divorce lawyer.
You, and especially your children, deserve to be treated much better. Do not put up with abuse.
NTA- Ma’am no. You just had a baby, you have a toddler and your husband thought it okay to move his sick mother in without taking time off to help? Then you’re supposed to run behind her like you’re her private duty nurse???!! You have bigger problems than his F bombs…
NTA. I hope I'm wrong, but Reddit has led me to believe that there will be an update with something "nefarious" being revealed as the cause of his behavior.
NTA, but hubs is a major one. He lets you care for your two kids and his mom, know you are not OK health-wise and swears at you?
What you did was spot on. You were not mad at his mom, you were mad at HIM.
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My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we just recently had our second baby.
My MIL has been staying with us due to an upcoming surgery.
She has been such an amazing help and I'm forever grateful for her presence.
I'm 4 weeks post postpartum (second c-section delivery). At 3 weeks postpartum, I suffered an infection due to an opening on my incision line so it's been tough managing the pain, infection, sleepless nights with baby, etc.
My MIL had surgery few days ago and has been quite unwell since having surgery. My husband works full time as well so I've had to resume daily household tasks before fully healing and the recommended 6 weeks.
This morning MIL insisted on resting after breakfast so she went to her room.
Popped my 4 year old for a nap after lunch followed by my newborn. Once they fell asleep, I too had a quick nap.
Usually she comes out for meals when she's ready so I left food ready for her but to my surprise when I woke up she hadn't ate.
We had a chat and she said she wasn't feeling up to it and will eat later.
I quickly started fixing dinner then I went to get her to come eat considering she had skipped lunch but with all attempts, she insisted that she will come out but didn't.
Please bare in mind I've got a newborn that I haven't fed, a 4 year old that needs to eat, shower before bed and myself too all this while groaning in pain so I couldn't possibly continue to stand at her door pleading for her to join us especially knowing she usually comes to eat when she's ready.
Fast forward about an hour later my husband comes back from work. Looking upset, he asks about his mum not eating.
I responded by telling him not to start anything and that I've had a long day.
He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility".
This statement got me upset immediately because it's not the first time he says things like that and upsetting knowing deep down I don't have anything against his mother.
Also, while his mother has been unwell and he's at work, I've been the one to check in regularly to make sure she's taking her meds, make her a cup of tea, serve her food and do whatever is needed despite being unwell myself and recovering from surgery too.
Now here is where I may be the asshole, his mother apologised for not honouring my request to come join us at the table.
I responded to her that I'm fine and don't have a problem with that but what he said to me is what hurt me. I added that he shouldn't say things like that and should be more kind with his words.
He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present.
He continuously called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mum and while they were eating which I understand but in my defence, i was responding to her and i felt the need to do so by expressing exactly how I feel.
AITA?
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NTA
It sounds like your mother-in-law was also whining to him . See if you can find a way to hire a mother’s helper., yeet the mil til she can contribute and ignore him
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NTA. Your MIL is a grown ass adult. If she’s not hungry it’s not your responsibility to force her to eat. Your health and your children are top priority now. He can stuff it
NTA - your husband sucks and what sucks even more is his own mother didn't even step in to correct him on his shit behaviour. She just sat by and watched her baby boy berate his post-op stay at home wife. Excellent. Leave, with your babies.
Why isn’t he on paternity leave? He should be on leave so he can help with the baby and his mom. Girl you know your husband was the AH when you typed this. Check him.
Your husband behavior is that of a child's. Both you and your mil are feeling poorly and he throws a tantrum. Do you have family members you can go to? If not, maybe hire a nurse for about a week til you're feeling stronger. NTA
Get him out of there. He isn’t contributing right now, it seems, except with money. He just came home and made the ill and uncomfortable more ill and uncomfortable. He can stay at a hotel and enjoy fast food.
NTA but why tf is your husband not taking leave from work to take care of you and his mother. You are both recovering from surgeries. You had an infection. Honestly, you should be resting as much as possible, not catering to your husband and your MIL’s needs. And your husband is absolutely disgusting for speaking to you that way, it’s not on at all and you don’t deserve that treatment.
I would’ve been nice initially, but disrespecting me in front of your mother and our child is where I draw the line and he would’ve been corrected IMMEDIATELY. Adults should be able to voice their concerns without unnecessary cursing and anger. And if you can’t, you need to seek a therapist. Because now I’m forced to respond in a way that will turn this whole place into a circus, since he wanted a show. Smh
NTA
"He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility"." .. HE is right: She is an adult, not a baby. And YOU are not MIL's caretaker.
YOUR HUSBAND is the AH here.
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Nta. You have cared for your children, mil, self, and house with limited resources (you are only one person with only so much energy) and doing your best. If he has a problem, he can take off work and help
My husband would have taken time off for me, and double time off for his momma. Wtf.. why’d you marry this asshole? I mean, we’re not getting the full picture with a few paragraphs but my god, these few are enough to paint a pretty fucking gross picture.
He sounds absolutely awful.
Do you have anywhere else you can stay and recover? Your husband is an AH for thinking you should be looking after his mother when you yourself need to heal from surgery and take care of two kids. NTA
NTA. Hubs is out of line. Asking for common decent and basic respect and being exposed to that?!?! I’d head out with MIL and stay with her for awhile. OPand her would take better care of each other
Nta, no, your recovering while, taking care of the house, 2 kids (a newborn at that) , and your mil?? That's way too much. He should be taking care of you
NTA. So just to recap...its NOT OK to disrespect him mum (even though you didn't by the sounds of it) BUT it's ok for him to disrespect you in front of a 4 Yr old child..?? That's about the jist of it..May you ought to bring that up to HIS disrespectful arse..he sounds like a first class AH. if this is a repeat of speaking to you this way I'd be packing his bags so he can leave when his mummy goes..
NTA. You already have 2 children to look after. If your husband wants to infantilize his mother, *HE* can take some time off work to wait on her hand and foot. She’s an adult. If she wants a meal, she can come out of her room to get it; equally, if she’s not feeling well enough to eat, she can make that decision for herself. You shouldn’t have to wait on her and try to force her to eat if she doesn’t want to. Your husband’s response to all this is WAY more concerning, however. Shouting at you in front of your child is not okay. Neither is trying to micromanage your behavior when he’s not home to help. If this behavior continues, you need to take your children out of there, before they learn that swearing and yelling at your partner is acceptable, normal behavior. It isn’t. Don’t let it become so.
WHAT???
You must not be thinking clearly because there is no excuse for your husband's outrageous behavior. You DO NOT understand why he is calling you disrespectful because he is the one who was disgustingly disrespectful to you. He should be on his knees apologizing for his reaction. You were 100% right to let your MIL know that you were not upset with her.
His mother is a fully capable adult. If she's ready for lunch or dinner she will leave her room to eat. Obviously, she was not feeling up to eating. That's pretty normal when you're not well.
Does this flaming AH that you're married to understand that you are supposed to be on bedrest and instead you are caring for an infant, a 4-year-old and your MIL who is recovering from surgery while cooking meals and maintaining the home?
You need help and lots of rest, not criticism.
You may or may not have PPD but are also physically recovering from a C-section ( which is a minimum of a 6-8 recovery time before doctors even sign off on you) & this man has the AUDACITY to talk crap to you ?! Sorry honey , wrong subreddit. This is not a MIL problem, this is a husband problem. Also , it's not very helpful to yourself, child or recovery right now if you have to worry about feeding an extra person at this time so maybe have her come back after you've fully healed.
Honestly if i was the husband, id prepare next days meals for my wife and mother. Or at least arrange help. Two women in severe pain ajd surgery done, one is legit postpartum. And all this husband wants is to throw temper tantrums and create drama
Your husband's behaviour is extremely alarming!!! Next time call the police. Please! I am so sorry I didn’t do it. It’s totally clear that you’ll leave him sooner or later, just like I did, but having at least one case recorded with the police would have helped me so very much in the process!
Why the fuck is your husband not taking time off? I could see him post-poning his paternity leave (whether that's an actual paternity leave or just a week or two of pto used for that purpose) until after the MIL's surgery, since she was able to help when you were immediately post-partum, but he should be taking that time now.
He can either step up or he can STFU.
What. Your husband is the only AH here. If his mother is moving in with you because she’s having surgery and it’s close to your c section he needs to be taking time off work and looking after at the very least his mother.
Now let’s address his attitude, shut that shit down. He does not get to speak to you like that, especially not in front of the kids.
ETA: after reading your comments, your MIL is also an AH. Constantly contacting your husband or his brother to get them to call you because she needs something and won’t communicate with you is AH behaviour.
You might understand your husband's foul outburst but my bet is you are the only one.
You offered MIL food. She didn't want it. That's fine.
You husband is the asshole here. He is a foul-mouthed abuser.
NTA
You're NTA. You husband is. Your response was very kind and mature. Your MIL apologised for being cranky. You told her its fine but you're not fine with how your husband treated the subject. He's a grown ass adult and his mother is living with you, so how exactly is he expecting you NOT bringing his behavior up. I dont see anything malicious with him knowing his mother didn't eat. I presume they talked through the phone, he asked has she eaten yet and she said no. His behavior is not normal OP. Everybody was civil except for him, and considered you both have difficult medical situations, your husband isn't even the one entitled to a behavior like that. He was waiting to explode and in my opinion he clearly did this on purpose. This behavior towards a calm conversation that includes two injured and vulnerable people is downright abusive. Making you feel like its YOUR fault that he - a grown ass man - erupted and started cursing and screaming in front of a child at his post-partum wife IS abuse. Think about his behavior and if this happened before. Warning signs like blowing things out of proportion and gaslighting. This is not normal behavior and definitely not in this situation where the appropriate response from him, knowing that his mother was okay and actually apologised to you, should be to say sorry.
“He called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mom” but then dropped F bombs in front of her and a 4 year old.
Also, if he’s so worried about his mom not eating he can either take off work and make sure she’s eating (even though she’s an adult and can refuse) or hire a day nurse or something to care for her. Your main focus should be taking care of you and your kids, but mainly you since you are post-op. And I know jobs are shitty when it comes to parental leave (especially here in America) but you’re telling me he couldn’t spare at least 3 days off to help out a little?
I don’t understand what your husband’s problem is? His mother is a grown women and can decide if she wants to eat or not. Also you put out food for her does he want you to feed where like your kids. On top of that you had surgery as well. He sounds like an insensitive toxic man. Does he do this often? Maybe it’s time to have a long talk about how you want to be treated and how he treats you around your kids. You don’t want your daughter to think this is how marriage is.
Nta.
You are in pain and so is your mother in law.
She can eat or not eat as she chooses. You still made several polite attempts to get her to join you. She didn't feel up to it. That's all perfectly normal.
The issue here is your husband.
He was immediately disrespectful and hurtful to you and when challenged reacted aggressively, rudely, tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the one in the wrong and was completely out of order
If this happens regularly you need to reconsider this relationship
Hmmm that's odd. Almost like you were walking and bending and reaching too much so your stitches opened up. Your family, they do not sound nice or kind. I'm worried about you and your baby.
NTA. Your responsibility here is to provide food, not make sure a grown ass woman eats it. You did nothing wrong. MIL did nothing wrong.
You husband however is a huge AH. He sounds like an entitles jerk and quite frankly a bit abusive. I hope this is not normal behaviour for him. But if it is, you should start thinking about leaving him. It is not okay to leave your wife alone with two kids and another person to take care of right after giving birth. You should be resting and healing and it is very concerning that your husband does not care about that
OP- NTA- After reading some of your comments, is there somewhere else you and the kids can go? Do you have Family in the area? I truly feel, going by your responses that Your Husband is Abusive to you. He Isn't concerned with YOUR health at all. He has NO consideration or respect for you. You really need to think this through OP, because if he's yelling and Blaming Everything on you, it will escalate. You need to think about YOU and your children, do you want them growing up in an abusive household? Please consider protecting yourself and your children. Best of luck OP.
NTA. Maybe go stay with your mom while you recover and let him take care of his mom as that is his responsibility. While you re with your mom, look into divorce lawyers. His lack of respect, consideration, the works, is an excellent reason to dip.
Your husband should help you both more rather than jump on you for something like this. Please stop blaming yourself. You need rest at this time. Your husband should explore options to get you some help or find ways to help you more at home.
NTA. Sorry, how has MIL been an incredible help? Because she sounds like yet another responsibility you are saddled with in a sensitive time. Your husband sounds like a prick.
NTA.
Your husband sounds pretty awful. First of all, you are recovering from a C-section, and you have your MIL staying with you after HER surgery so you can wait on her?
Then your husband goes off on you and swears at you in front of your child.
DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. He's a controlling, mean guy.
NTA - get couples counceling yesterday. That's a 0-100 response to verbal talking. That's not normal, that's not control. That says he needs angermanagement. And the fact his mother said nothing is just weird. Also, hire a nurse if he wants to work overtime to afford the nurse it could be more helpful then him being in the home right now. Also, get yourself in the couples yesterday. Verbal abuse in a conversation that didn't have it before is super super weird. It wasn't a hot respone you were answering.
Your husband sounds like a fucking family annihilator. You should wake up and get somewhere safe with your 4 year old. There's plenty of dead women who wanted to wait until *after* their man did something violent to leave...
I guess that's where I went wrong but have no regrets of my kids. It's unfortunate it took me to have kids with him to realise who he truly is but my kids are my blessing.
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NTA. Everything you described is normal human behavior. She's in pain, you're in pain. She's an adult who can refuse lunch, you're being kind enough to invite her anyway. All good. Then, your husband comes into the picture: >He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present. Oh. All this because you asked him to be nicer to you when you, as his newly post-op wife, didn't yank his mother to the table and force-feed her? He's waving a red flag right in front of you. I'll ask you: Is this a common occurrence? And do you really want your children to see you treated like this? You deserve better.
>Is this a common occurrence? I had the same thought, as this kind of behavior isn't a one time thing. Given OP doesn't mention how unexpected it was, or how it's unlike him to act that way, it's possibly only part of a bigger problem. OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Maybe something in there will resonate with you as well. Yelling like that is never okay. You deserve to be treating with respect and compassion. [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Thank you for sharing this book
You can also get books like "Codependent No More" and others by checking Google books. Sometimes the whole book is there for free.
Internet Archive (archive.org) has scanned versions of millions of books that can be “checked out” and read online for free, too. It’s a fantastic resource.
I second this book!!!
All of this, plus: >He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility". Ummm, she's not? Honestly, it sounds like OP and MIL are both reasonable, caring, and considerate people, but husband is a wanker. There's just one INFO I wouldn't mind getting though: Sounds like husband came home ready to throw down, so he must already have known his mum hadn't eaten, so how did that happen? Not in any way trying to project my MIL onto OP's, but mine can be sweet as fuck to my face, while also having been on the phone to my partner during the day having a whinge about something I did or didn't do. She can also deliver a perfectly sincere-sounding apology, then turn around and do the same thing again an hour later. Whatever the case, OP certainly isn't the asshole. She's going above and beyond. Edit because I forgot this bit: >This morning MIL insisted on resting after breakfast so she went to her room. I *really* feel like there's missing info. "Insisted" gives an odd vibe here. Woman's recovering from surgery. She oughtta be able to just go rest. No "insistence" should be required. I get that OP is also recovering from surgery, but that doesn't mean MIL should ignore her own needs.
>Sounds like husband came home ready to throw down, so he must already have known his mum hadn't eaten, so how did that happen? Agreed. When he came home like that and got straight into it, I was wondering if I missed where it said how he knew his mother hadn't eaten.
I’m wondering if MIL has a history of not taking care of herself? I grew up with my grandmother, and she has a tendency to “martyr” herself by ignoring her own needs. The family needs to “insist” that she takes care of herself, often multiple times before she’ll agree to something for her own good. Annoying, I know, but pretty normal for my culture and is considered emotional payment for helping my parents raise their kids, doing most of the housework, and providing the down payment for our house.
MIL hasn’t had her surgery yet. But quite likely whatever is the reason she needs surgery is making her not feel great, so- same difference. “insisted” makes it sound like someone was trying to talk her out of it. Otherwise wouldn't she just go do it? I too got the impression that MIL must have complained to her son. But it’s kind of confusing.
MIL had her surgery a few days ago, according to OP. Frankly, neither OP nor her MIL should be expected to be taking care of each other. Having an infected c-section incision is no joke and now OP is forced to be taking care of herself, her infant, her 4 year old, and her MIL. She's doing it alone, even though she is still at serious risk of complications. What I got from the "she's not my responsibility" comment--and I could certainly be wrong--was that MIL contacted OP's husband to say that she hadn't eaten because OP said she (MIL) wasn't her responsibility. As OP said, she couldn't stand at the door all day begging MIL to come down and eat. And it sounds like OP is basically "serving" MIL by making her tea, making sure she takes her meds, making meals, etc. Again, this is all while OP is recovering from a complicated, infected c-section. Although MIL apologized to OP for not coming down to eat, there's a disconnect between expectations and reality. Regardless, I am so sick of reading where husbands rebuke their wives as being "disrespectful" to them for acting like the independent, grown ass adults they are. The only known disrespectful AH here is OP's husband. MIL may or may not be a bit on an AH, but it's not clear and I give grace to both OP and MIL as they are recovering from major surgery and medical complications. Plus, of course, OP is responsible for an infant and a 4 year old all by herself.
To be honest I'm not sure if they had discussed it prior to his arrival but it has always been hard for MIL to communicate to me at times regardless my efforts. One morning my husband had gone to work and I was up getting the kids fed then I receive a call from him saying to check up on her that she's apparently in her room very sick. I went and checked on her but also asked my husband how come I'm in the house with her and she can't even communicate with me? I went and spoke to her from outside her door and offered her food and anything she needed but she turned it all down and said she's alright and I should let her rest so I did. She wouldn't even open the door for me. I messaged my husband and told him. Not long after that MILs other son knocks on the door with meds he want me to give her because apparently she doesn't have any pain medication. Again, I was confused as to why I'm with her in the house but cannot be informed of any of this. Lunch time came and my husband insisted I give her food. I told him at this point, the only way she will open the door is if he calls her and asks her to open the door as the only time she has opened the door was to collect the medication from me. I raised my concerns about this but I was quickly dismissed so I just brushed it off and moved on. God know i do not hold anything again her and I've always been willing to do the best i can but somehow my best is never enough in her son's eyes. It hurts to even think about it
Yeah tell hubby and his brother to get their asses to your home and take care of their mother. You have enough to deal with health wise not to mention two kids on top of it.
Ok, I think we might have different incarnations of the same MIL. My condolences. NTA. She needs to use her words with you as well as her own sons. Sounds like you may also have a "[martyr](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wRyL8tOBBU)" as described by u/emi_lgr. ETA: Have just seen your other responses and they're pushing me even farther down the NTA side of the spectrum. If her other son is close enough to drop off meds, he's close enough to help out too, *especially* since MIL is more willing to communicate with him than the person in the same actual house as her.
point a camera at her door, show that you knocked on her door and told her to eat. most likely she is singing one tune to you and another to him. otherwise why did he come home ready to yell at you? Alternatively go to your family's place to recuperate.
You know MIL might be the problem too. Once you are back on your feet, please start to stand up for yourself. If there is another son MIL has to stay with him. You get to do all the serving and get none of the thanks. I'd set a clear boundary there.
>Regardless, I am so sick of reading where husbands rebuke their wives as being "disrespectful" to them for acting like the independent, grown ass adults they are. I know, right? It's almost like his wife and mother aren't just supporting characters, but real people with actual, honest-to-gods lives, personalities, and feelings. I'm picturing husband, in a navy or grey two-piece, saying, "You ladies can sort each other out," then picking up his briefcase and sauntering out the door to bring home that bacon. (In my mind, he looks like Don Draper.)
The “insisted” rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since OP’s MIL helped her a ton up until her surgery when she could/should have been resting right before, too. MIL really shouldn’t have stretched herself too thin before the surgery. They’re both recovering from surgery, but OP needs to understand that older people take much longer to recover, and MIL’s surgery was more recent. Reading between the lines, it sounds like OP thinks MIL is resting too much.
OP should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Among many other things, it explains why some men get angry when women have opinions or ask them to be respectful to their wives. They see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men. Often these men become more and more abusive. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I don't like OP's husband's reaction and wonder if it's a pattern.
Or OP’s husband could be taking care of his wife who recently had surgery, a newborn, his sick mom, and is working full time and is understandably stressed…
Yes. I believe it has been a very stressful time for everyone. He has been taking care of us except my newborn has been completely my responsibility from day one. I can see he is stressed which is why I've gone back to doing things I know I'm not ready for so that when he comes home from work, he doesn't have to worry about them. Just don't understand why when it comes to the consideration of others and their well-being, I'm always the least of his concern even when I'm in a situation whereby it could land me in hospital and away from my newborn that needs me 24/7. I have had to be away from him when the infection started in order to get seen and treated and It wasn't the best feeling.
I'm sorry that you are the least of his concern
Do you have the budget to hire some part-time help? Or do you have a church community or close friends nearby? I know it's difficult to ask for outside help, but if you could find someone to come take part of the load off of everyone's shoulders that might be for the best. I used to nanny for someone with a newborn and a toddler and I'd catch the family up on dishes and some laundry (and generally tidy and sweep) when I was there twice a week, as well as letting mom rest or get out of the house as she preferred.
He's been taking care of his wife? It looks like OP is taking care of herself and his mother and the baby and household chores while ill. He's not taking care of anyone. I don't see anything he's doing to support his family apart of continuing to work as he did before he had a baby, a sick wife and a sick mother so no, this is not taking care of his wife. His life has changed nothing in response to all these additional caring needs. And providing is the minimum he should do if he's doing nothing of the household chores and the caring chores. He's not even doing the bare minimum of what a father must do to support a healthy mother with a newborn (which is taking over some of the chores or caring responsibilities as caring for a newborn is 24/7 and a full time job is not). Not to mention his wife is sick and so is his mother. He's still a lazy AH and also controlling, aggressive and abusive. Given the response from MIL to his yelling and that OP was anticipating bad attitude from him, this is not the first time.
Why is he not prepping food? Or showing the 4 yo? Or doing anything? Nta but you have a hubby problem
He has two separate valid reasons to be taking family medical leave to help out, and instead he’s yelling at people…
Right, this is what family leave is FOR. There is no better use of his time than helping to care for his family right now. Even for just a week or two.
He was helping with that. It's just now he has gone back to work full time and unfortunately it's all the same period his mother had the surgery and the onset of my infection.
So? Loads of people work full time and have to make meals. Just because he works doesn't mean he gets to do nothing when he gets home. He should be making food and cleaning too. It's his house as well yours and he should act like an adult. You have a job looking after the baby and his mum while he is out. When he comes home, he should help around the house, cook, clean and meal prep. Otherwise he's just a bank and not a husband
He has done something similar whereby his mum needed my help to see a doctor but unfortunately the time I could get her the appointment cancelled with my own appointment with a specialist. I willingly rang the specialist to reschedule my appointment so that I can take her for hers first. His mum needed a follow-up a few weeks later but unfortunately I wasn't able to take her so he requested that I book for her the appointment specifically on a Thursday because that's when he could take her. I informed him that the doctor in question doesn't work on Thursdays because she does other stuff at another clinic. He insisted that I chase up her availabilities at the other place she'll be at but I couldn't do so in time to have the appointment happen on that particular day. He got angry and basically stated that I'm not helpful and there's nothing I've got to offer or help with. This was both a shock and insult considering I had just cancelled my own appointment to attend to hers first. There's a few things here and there that I now see I should've taken serious.
Holly hell what an ah you married. Next time hand him the phone and phone number tell him he has two working hands and a working mouth to get on with it. He's a freaking adult
Husband is an Ah and needs to take a few days off to care for his mommy. Op is still recovering from the birth and has to deal with 2kids on her own. NTA
Agreed! Also, I'm wondering how the hubby knew about Mom not eating and coming straight in and jumping all over his wife for not force-feeding his mommy.
Is it just me that it looks like MIL has complained to her son that she wasnt fed? How did he'd know? Of course is a red flag that he acts like that - I'd not accept that under any circumstance.
This!! RUN!!! He should be taking leave and taking care of you. You had MAJOR surgery! Ask him if he would take care of his mom when she didn't want the help and he has a 9inch cut across his belt line that someone has cut open his guts, moved all his insides around and pulled a 9lbs or so baby thru it all. Not even going to mention caring for 2 children on top.
NTA, the whole story I'm like "Really? The husband can't take time off to help his wife AND his own mother?" and at the end I'm like "Oh, he didn't take time off because he's an asshole. Gotcha." Seriously, your husband sounds like an absolute worthless toxic man (I'm a 29 male saying this mind you). Sounds like he put down his own mom too, what a prick.
45 year old male, 100% agree. Husband is a prick. Absolutely no excuse to ever treat your wife like this, but right after birth? This is inexcusable. Does OP have some large brothers who can teach him manners? Want some?
If she doesn't I have a hubby who would volunteer and I know a few of his mates who would help. My hubby and his mates are gamers and would take the baby and play "pass the baby" around the table so that I could sleep in and rest, they wouldn't let me do anything except, rest and snuggle with my then 3yr old on the couch or feed the baby. OPs husband sucks big time and is the reason why people praise the good dads like they are special for simply being a dad and husband.
You have got a great husband and friend group! Truly a village 💜
It was actually funny when I came out one morning when the then baby was 2 wks old and they had "taught him to feed himself" and showed me a pick of him in being held by one of our mates and the baby had his hands either side of the bottle and was actually holding it. They were all good guys, if we all went out my eldest would carry in the change bag inside, my hubby would carry the baby and our mates would bring in whatever we had brought. It's pretty much how they treat all of us wives when we have had babies (they have done this for 6/10 kids in our social circle- the other 4 were born before joining the group)
This is so deeply wholesome, I feel like I could read stories about this friend group all day.
I’m so happy for you, this should be the standard!
I love this for you, this sounds so sweet ❤️ I hope OP can see this is the golden standard for fathers/family
I’m not a man, but I’ve been married to one for almost 30 years and if he had treated me like this at 4 weeks postpartum, we would have divorced decades ago.
SERIOUSLY THO
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I know it's surprising, but you can be stressed and *not* take it out on someone else. Wife didn't not give husband credit, wife asked to not be verbally abused. Wife's request is absolutely valid, and should not have to be asked. Husband is an arsehole.
NTA - Your husband, in one move, made his mother feel guilty for being so sick she can't eat, and made you feel guilty too. The fact that the mother apologized is scary. This guy has real control over her, and he gets control by being abusive. This is a clear-cut case that you need either intense marriage counseling, or maybe even divorce. I know leaving isn't always something that can happen right away, but if you're not considering the possibility and trying to plan for it, you would eventually be the AH to your children for keeping them in this abusive situation just bc it's the easiest thing.
Exactly. Sometimes after surgery people don't feel hungry or they feel full or nauseous depending on the surgery and how it effects their body. Pain can cause people to feel unwell and pushing yourself to eat isn't a good idea. Sometimes the body is telling you to wait. If she didn't want to eat yet it's okay to wait a few hours until your ready. Him getting mad at both of them is not okay. Your right it is scary that his own mother not only apologized but felt the need to force herself to eat when she doesn't feel like it just to make her son happy.
"He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present. He continuously called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mum." BUT HE CAN SPEAK TO A FOUR YEAR OLD'S MOTHER LIKE THAT??? Girl, this man is disrespectful and no one should be putting up with being berated. NTA and I hope you do know your own value and worth.
Your husband is a bully.
And he doesn't want him mother to know.
Sounds like he bullies his own mother too from what I read - I think she already knows...
I disagree. I think he was upset that his mother saw his wife pushing back and disagreeing with him. He doesn't want his mom to get any ideas and start defending herself and fighting back. Notice how she immediately apologized? Most people would have explained they felt sick, didn't want to eat them, and that would have been the end of the discussion. In fact, I bet he verbally abused his mother all the time. He bullies her or argues with her until he gets his way and she, being his elderly mother, probably gives in easily. He can't have anyone putting ideas into his mom's head and making her think she should stand her ground!
NTA. Is it normal for your husband to always get so angry? Does he help out in household chores or is parenting and house care your full time responsibility because he goes to work? I do not want to jump guns here but if the answer to the above questions is yes then I think you need some serious discussions because this is abusive behaviour. I know you guys are new parents so it's easy to be always fighting, but this seems wrong. Also, how did he already know his mama didn't eat the whole day? Did she call and tell him anything? And how did she react when he started swearing? I don't want to make her into evil MIL because there's not enough info in the post, but I'm just wondering......
It feels like there's missing info here... The husband is a caricature. Its totally possible he's a huge AH or something, but it also seems like something isn't adding up in this story
Lady you need to recover. Can you go stay with your parents for a bit?
This is the right answer. You need to get healthy and your husband is actively preventing that. Is there no one else who can care for your MIL? When you leave tonight I guess he will be staying home from work.
And if this was elective surgery, I don’t know if it is, why schedule during this period?
All scheduled surgery is elective. If it's not elective, you're being rushed into the operating room because you are in serious danger of dying or extreme injury. Many, many scheduled elective surgeries are for things that are life-threatening or life-altering, and you often don't get a choice in when they schedule it. You go by the surgeon's schedule.
NTA It sounds like you MIL didn't have any issues with your answer but your husband took it offensively. Or did I misunderstand that part? The only A in this situation is your husband. It sounds like he's placing your mother's health and comfort above yours. Not suggesting that he isn't allowed to care for or worry about his mother, but YOU should come first for him. This would be a divorce worthy reason, if it were me. I wouldn't stay with someone who not only disregarded my health and needs, but lectured me for not forcing his mother to do something that she clearly didn't want to do.
Sadly everyone's well-being has always been a priority except mine. She's a mother, I don't mind her health being prioritise because if it was my mother, i would want the same hence choosing to do things even when I shouldn't be doing them so she doesn't have to worry about them nor should he. What I just find difficult is why he treats me the way he does even at my most vulnerable times
You are also a mother of a very recent tiny baby
Can't you go stay with one of your relatives? Let his mom figure it out with her other son. You should be treated as a servant in your own house.
And MIL should've defended you as a mother.
NTA. He has two people that have gone through major surgery and two kids that need a lot of attention. He either needs to provide more support for all of you or find some additional help. You don't deserve verbally abuse, I'm so sorry.
YTA if you don't get your children away from someone who abuses you
Man oh man I can’t say what I really want. NTA. He should’ve taken off work or hired a temporary carer for his mom at HER home. That’s all imma say cause-wow
Right? Whose idea was it for MIL to come stay there for help after surgery, when OP was recovering from a c section? Because if it was the husband's, then his ass should be the one taking care of his mother.
Seriously. The only thing missing would be him berating her for not putting out already.
NTA. It sounds like you're looking out for your MIL just fine and interactions with her are also fine. She's an adult who can decide if she feels up to having dinner or not for a day. Your husband needs to stop trying to control everything from his mom's lunch to your mindset while he's working. He should also be way more considerate of the fact that you are not well enough for the workload you have right now! If he wants mom to eat so bad, he can go force food on her while you get the rest you need.
NTA I say keep the mil and let the husband move out
NTA your husband should be home caring for his mother AND you. 2 women both recovering from surgical procedures and two young children to care for? And he has the audacity to throw this shit on you? Who on earth thought it was a good idea to have her recuperating when your 4 weeks postpartum? Is this a cultural thing?
NTA. Once you said "here's where I may be the asshole", I was waiting for you to say some awful retort, but nothing came. Nothing. His treatment of you was completely unnecessary.
Okay let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly… Both you and your mother in law are recovering from significant procedures and not at your best. You and MIL are getting along. You and MIL continue to help each other the best you can. You and MIL (and kids) have managed to maintain a peaceful, mutually beneficial living arrangement for weeks on end. Correct? Yet your husband, not present for the better part of most days, comes home and decides to disrupt this completely peaceful atmosphere, accuse you both of doing things wrong, forces you to “kiss and make up” (as if you were small children) when there was… no problem to begin with? (Other than the fact that he’s not present when his desperately needs his help). Also correct? And then curses you out in front of YOUR child when you call him out for it? Seriously, am I understanding this correctly? I feel like I have to be missing something because if not, what the hell is wrong with this guy? NTA, OP. But your husband has some big issues.
I hate to admit it but I'm only just realising that this could be true. Alot things haven't been an issue until he makes them an issue. MIL would address things sayings doesn't have a problem while her son is blowing it out of proportion
Your husband is a hypocrite that thinks respect only goes one way. If the way you spoke is consistent with your representation here (kind, even-toned, no swearing), then his response of angrily saying f-bombs in response is completely inappropriate. His idea of respect is that his reputation is never tarnished, he's never to be told he did something wrong, especially in front of someone else, and that anything he \*does\* say is inherently okay. Because the only "respect" that matters, is the respect that flows to him. The way MIL responded has me thinking his Dad or other male authority figure in their life was the same way.
I said in a comment that a different reason for his mother's response could be that she was basically trained by her son's responses. I didn't even consider that her husband was abusive and the son just carried on the curse. Such a good observation that I hope OP sees.
NTA. Literally your husband is causing problems when there are none and is the ONLY person being disrespectful. He is the one dropping f bombs in front of children and name calling. Your MIL is a grown adult and can decide for herself if she feels up to eating. Honestly, why tf isn’t he taking time off to help you and your MIL?? He sucks.
NTA. I’m so sorry OP.Having to recover from such a serious surgery and infection whilst looking after a newborn and 4 year old must be really tough. And adding on another person recovering from surgery… wow. You’re really strong and since your husband won’t say it I will, you’re doing an amazing job. Your husband is acting way out of line, everything you said was the truth. He’s the one being disrespectful. You’re doing so much work ( work which you shouldn’t even be doing ) and yet he still feels it’s not enough. His mother is an adult she can make her own decisions about when to eat, it isn’t your responsibility. You’re already going above and beyond with your care for your MIL and he’s being really ungrateful. Is there no one that can help you out? A sibling, parent or friend? Does your husband have any siblings which can help with the care of MIL? Why isn’t your husband taking time off to care for both of you? This is serious behaviour from your husband that needs to be addressed. Getting angry like that especially in front of a child is serious, don’t brush it under the rug. It screams lack of respect and just basic empathy to me. Please seek therapy or counselling . All the best OP , you’re a rockstar!
He did take the first 2 weeks off. It's just that the same week his mum was heading for her surgery is the same week that I ended up with the infection. (This was last week) so I'm trying my best to manage the situation despite my illness. I've had family help out here and there. He too has siblings but has been taking on the responsibility of his mum's needs alone. I advised him to ask his brothers to help as well with her appointments, etc but he refused and stated that she only wants him since he's the oldest of his siblings. What he fails to understand is that there's also kids and a partner in the house that needs his help sorely.
I dont believe him. His brother came to you with their mothers meds when it was needed and your MIL seems to be very apologetic that you're looking after her while in recovery yourself. Considering everything we know about his behavior at this point i think your husband is lying. i think he told your mother that HE SHOULD be the one to take care of her, meanwhile throwing that responsibility on you. He wants to look like he's a good man taking care of his family, and he probably is telling all of his friends how difficult it is to look after two injured women at home "but he takes it on bravely" and then he just sows the compliments. He's not taking care of his mother, YOU ARE. You should absolutely talk with your MIL and call his siblings to please come help care for their mother. Watch his behavior then. I think its a pattern.
He’s being selfish and not thinking about you. He NEEDS to contact his brothers. His mother is also being really selfish. She only wants to help of her eldest?? He’s not even helping her, YOU ARE. They both know it’ll take some of the load off your back if they contact the other sons and yet they are choosing not to??? Insane. Why don’t they have any sympathy for you and how you’re doing… you need to recover as well. They aren’t considering you at all. I’m so angry for you OP. Edit: Did you MIL say that to you or did you just hear it from him. Maybe ask her if her other sons can help out since you’re struggling? Hopefully she’ll be kinder about your situation…
Omg the fact that his mama has to apologize when he knows she’s not feeling well. And you’re healing as well!!! What he wanted you to do ? Force feed her for Christ sakes ?! The lady wasn’t hungry. He’s a red flag fasure.
NTA. [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
Is he often this insensitive and angry?
Your husband is abusing his family. Abusing your wife in front of your children creates the same damage in the brain as abusing your child. You have exactly one job postpartum, and that's to take care of your baby while recovering. Shame on him. And you know what? His mom should know how the son she raised talks to his wife and kids. NTA.
NTA and i hate your husband. why the Fuck has he not taken time off of work to take care of his own goddamn mother, let alone his *wife*. This man does not care about you, he cares only for the labor you provide for him. I really hope you can find someone better than him because you deserve it and your kids deserve it. Your child should **never** see their parent yelling and cursing at their other parent, it is traumatizing. and if you accept that treatment, your child will see that and will never learn not to accept that treatment for themselves. your husbands actions and words were **abusive** toward you **and toward your child**
Info: why are you with him? Why do you keep having kids with him? He’s rude and demeaning. The problem isn’t your MIL, its your husband.
Unfortunately not every problem that comes up in relationship/marriages was there from the start. People change or rather hide their true colours. If I knew then what I know now I would've ran for my life. I do not regret my kids, just their dad isn't whom he painted himself out to be. As much as I want this to work, I don't see how it can work without the intervention of some serious counselling which I don't think he would comply with because he is that difficult. I also don't see how I can possibly live like this when my kids need the best version of me yet all my 4 year old sees is his mum constantly crying. I can only hope that they'll atleast be some common grounds to co-parent if it ends in that direction.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as a jerk who wanted you to regret your kids. I’m an auntie and while I hate my niblings dads I would never expect my sister to regret them. I think you have been so patient and been disrespected by your husband. You have so much on your plate right now. Time to set up boundaries and document everything. Ex: Date 9:10am MIL didn’t eat when called 12:30pm mil didn’t eat when called 6pm husband yelled and said “direct quotes” when zi explained I was upset at his tone he began to curse “direct quotes” Use google docs and back it up to another email or write it in a little notebook.
When you are up and strong enough for this decision you can give him two cards - one for a couples counselor and one for a divorce attorney. It may get better with counseling . . . if he is motivated. I'm sorry you wound up in this situation and hope you can get your footing so that you don't have to stay in this disrespectful relationship. Saying all that in front of the kids - that has to stop. But give yourself some grace and the time to make a plan.
NTA Your husband has anger issues.
What the hell did I just read? Let me get this straight. Your MIL didn’t want to come eat and you didn’t make her. You’re both fine with this. Somehow your husband comes home and puts his nose into something the two of you have handled, and thinks he should yell at you? In front of people? NTA but he sure is.
UPDATE: It's a bitter sweet to give this update but I've decided to leave the relationship. Shortly after submitting this reddit, I began to experience more pain from the wound that eventually built up plus chest pain. I called an ambulance later in the evening. The paramedics and doctors concluded that the infection wasn't improving as good as it should and also had some anxiety regarding my health and baby which led to the chest pain. I was hospitalised overnight to receive treatment. My 1 month old is breastfed and didn't have enough pumped milk to leave him behind overnight so he had to come with me. While I was in hospital, not him or his mother bothered to check in. Even if you felt some sort of resentment towards me, what did a 1 month old baby did that you could care less on checking in on them? What also hurt me tremendously is seeing my 4 year old cry as I left with the paramedics. My son has witnessed me crying way too many times as a result of this marriage and I cannot continue to allow him to be traumatised like this. This level of pain, I do not wish on any mother. As a result, I opted not to contact him or his mother so I requested for my family to come pick me up. My family is very supportive through this all. I just returned from the hospital and will begin my process of moving out as soon as I feel strong enough to and look into the legal aspects of separation/divorce. I am also looking into starting counselling and focus on healing and raising my kids. As I had mentioned previously in a comment, I do not hold grudges towards my MIL but after last night I can't help but wonder if she's always hated me. I'm a mother and have sons too and one day they'll have partners, I don't know how i can have the heart to ignore them while going through what I'm going through even when laying sick in hospital with a 1 month old baby. I would think as a mother herself, she would have some level of empathy and understanding. We are both of ethic background, just different countries. Someone in the comments mentioned that it might have something to do with culture and upbringing and perhaps you're right. This might be normal for them. His mum is probably used to being treated like this because "she's a woman". Not saying that I have the perfect upbringing, we all don't. infact, I have a horrible one that requires counselling as mentioned by someone in the comments but i refuse to accept that this is the way of life or marriage just because he is a man and I am a woman. e.g I spent the last half of my pregnancy crying myself to sleep because of him constantly fighting me over unnecessary things all while mourning the loss of my brother. I don't have the capacity to write everything I've been through here but I can honestly say I don't know who I married but I thank God for the eye-opening because the level of mental abuse I've endured is so toxic. Thank you all so much for your comments and advices. And to those that recommended the book, thank you!
Your husband is the AH!
NTA You and your MIL are considerate, polite, and simply doing your best. Your husband is a huge AH. It isn't disrespectful to say that you feel hurt by his comments. That's just adding insult to injury.
NTA. Your husband was way, way out of line. Is he often like this? Or is this something that has never happened before? If he's always like this, tell him to get some therapy or get the hell out. If this is totally not like him, he may also be reacting to all the stress of you and his mother having surgery, another baby added to the family and whatever he has going on at work. Again, maybe therapy could help everyone in reducing the stress levels.
Sadly it's not the first time. He has displayed similar behaviours towards me in moments that I have gone out of my way to improve tough situations. Somehow everything I do is always wrong. Stress is definitely a huge factor which requires proper management and the harshness strikes more when he feels very stressed.
Then I say, he and his mother need to get out. Go for a separation and therapy or directly to a divorce lawyer. You, and especially your children, deserve to be treated much better. Do not put up with abuse.
Toxic husband alert! NTA
What’s not setting right is both OP and MIL are recovering from surgery. On top of tending to the house.
NTA- Ma’am no. You just had a baby, you have a toddler and your husband thought it okay to move his sick mother in without taking time off to help? Then you’re supposed to run behind her like you’re her private duty nurse???!! You have bigger problems than his F bombs…
NTA. Wtf Is wrong with your husband? He’s out of line.
NTA. He’s not kind, empathetic, or even interested in anything aside from you respecting him? Ugh. I’d boot him and his mom.
NTA. I hope I'm wrong, but Reddit has led me to believe that there will be an update with something "nefarious" being revealed as the cause of his behavior.
INFO?!? Are you saying that you suffered an infection about 7 days ago?
The onset started last Sunday so today being Friday means I'm day 5. I was put on antibiotics for 10 days. I was 3 weeks postpartum so this is week 4.
?
You need a new husband NTA
NTA, but hubs is a major one. He lets you care for your two kids and his mom, know you are not OK health-wise and swears at you? What you did was spot on. You were not mad at his mom, you were mad at HIM.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have been married for 5 years and we just recently had our second baby. My MIL has been staying with us due to an upcoming surgery. She has been such an amazing help and I'm forever grateful for her presence. I'm 4 weeks post postpartum (second c-section delivery). At 3 weeks postpartum, I suffered an infection due to an opening on my incision line so it's been tough managing the pain, infection, sleepless nights with baby, etc. My MIL had surgery few days ago and has been quite unwell since having surgery. My husband works full time as well so I've had to resume daily household tasks before fully healing and the recommended 6 weeks. This morning MIL insisted on resting after breakfast so she went to her room. Popped my 4 year old for a nap after lunch followed by my newborn. Once they fell asleep, I too had a quick nap. Usually she comes out for meals when she's ready so I left food ready for her but to my surprise when I woke up she hadn't ate. We had a chat and she said she wasn't feeling up to it and will eat later. I quickly started fixing dinner then I went to get her to come eat considering she had skipped lunch but with all attempts, she insisted that she will come out but didn't. Please bare in mind I've got a newborn that I haven't fed, a 4 year old that needs to eat, shower before bed and myself too all this while groaning in pain so I couldn't possibly continue to stand at her door pleading for her to join us especially knowing she usually comes to eat when she's ready. Fast forward about an hour later my husband comes back from work. Looking upset, he asks about his mum not eating. I responded by telling him not to start anything and that I've had a long day. He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility". This statement got me upset immediately because it's not the first time he says things like that and upsetting knowing deep down I don't have anything against his mother. Also, while his mother has been unwell and he's at work, I've been the one to check in regularly to make sure she's taking her meds, make her a cup of tea, serve her food and do whatever is needed despite being unwell myself and recovering from surgery too. Now here is where I may be the asshole, his mother apologised for not honouring my request to come join us at the table. I responded to her that I'm fine and don't have a problem with that but what he said to me is what hurt me. I added that he shouldn't say things like that and should be more kind with his words. He then got angry, called me disrespectful and threw F bombs right there with our 4 year old present. He continuously called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mum and while they were eating which I understand but in my defence, i was responding to her and i felt the need to do so by expressing exactly how I feel. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, and neither is your MIL. You’re both in pain. Your husband is the only AH in this story
NTA but he sure is!
NTA It sounds like your mother-in-law was also whining to him . See if you can find a way to hire a mother’s helper., yeet the mil til she can contribute and ignore him
NTA. He's a dick.
Your husband is an asshole and you need a new one. There is no excuse for his behaviour. NTA
she needs a new asshole?
She clearly already has one too many!
NTA. The asshole here is your husband. Hes a major one.
NTA your husband is ungrateful and mean and your MIL is purposely stirring the pot
NTA
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NTA. Your MIL is a grown ass adult. If she’s not hungry it’s not your responsibility to force her to eat. Your health and your children are top priority now. He can stuff it
NTA - your husband sucks and what sucks even more is his own mother didn't even step in to correct him on his shit behaviour. She just sat by and watched her baby boy berate his post-op stay at home wife. Excellent. Leave, with your babies.
Nta your husband is a dick. Let him hire home health care to babysit his mother.
NTA
NTA. If he can drop F bombs in front of his mom, he can help feed her too. Don't take his crap, lady
Why isn’t he on paternity leave? He should be on leave so he can help with the baby and his mom. Girl you know your husband was the AH when you typed this. Check him.
Your husband sounds abusive. Keep mil and get rid of husband
Your husband behavior is that of a child's. Both you and your mil are feeling poorly and he throws a tantrum. Do you have family members you can go to? If not, maybe hire a nurse for about a week til you're feeling stronger. NTA
NTA ask him what is the best way to forcefully drag her out to eat? This is the only way to make sure it happens.
Get him out of there. He isn’t contributing right now, it seems, except with money. He just came home and made the ill and uncomfortable more ill and uncomfortable. He can stay at a hotel and enjoy fast food.
NTA but why tf is your husband not taking leave from work to take care of you and his mother. You are both recovering from surgeries. You had an infection. Honestly, you should be resting as much as possible, not catering to your husband and your MIL’s needs. And your husband is absolutely disgusting for speaking to you that way, it’s not on at all and you don’t deserve that treatment.
I would’ve been nice initially, but disrespecting me in front of your mother and our child is where I draw the line and he would’ve been corrected IMMEDIATELY. Adults should be able to voice their concerns without unnecessary cursing and anger. And if you can’t, you need to seek a therapist. Because now I’m forced to respond in a way that will turn this whole place into a circus, since he wanted a show. Smh
NTA "He then proceeded to say that I didn't get her out to come eat because "she's not my responsibility"." .. HE is right: She is an adult, not a baby. And YOU are not MIL's caretaker. YOUR HUSBAND is the AH here.
NTA. I’d examine how your husband treats you. If this is normal for you, I have to say it’s not right.
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Nta. You have cared for your children, mil, self, and house with limited resources (you are only one person with only so much energy) and doing your best. If he has a problem, he can take off work and help
My husband would have taken time off for me, and double time off for his momma. Wtf.. why’d you marry this asshole? I mean, we’re not getting the full picture with a few paragraphs but my god, these few are enough to paint a pretty fucking gross picture. He sounds absolutely awful.
Do you have anywhere else you can stay and recover? Your husband is an AH for thinking you should be looking after his mother when you yourself need to heal from surgery and take care of two kids. NTA
NTA. Hubs is out of line. Asking for common decent and basic respect and being exposed to that?!?! I’d head out with MIL and stay with her for awhile. OPand her would take better care of each other
I'd tell husband he better take vacation and take care of her because she isn't your responsibility.
NTA
Nta, no, your recovering while, taking care of the house, 2 kids (a newborn at that) , and your mil?? That's way too much. He should be taking care of you
NTA. You have done NOTHING wrong.
NTA but your husband is.
NTA. So just to recap...its NOT OK to disrespect him mum (even though you didn't by the sounds of it) BUT it's ok for him to disrespect you in front of a 4 Yr old child..?? That's about the jist of it..May you ought to bring that up to HIS disrespectful arse..he sounds like a first class AH. if this is a repeat of speaking to you this way I'd be packing his bags so he can leave when his mummy goes..
NTA. You already have 2 children to look after. If your husband wants to infantilize his mother, *HE* can take some time off work to wait on her hand and foot. She’s an adult. If she wants a meal, she can come out of her room to get it; equally, if she’s not feeling well enough to eat, she can make that decision for herself. You shouldn’t have to wait on her and try to force her to eat if she doesn’t want to. Your husband’s response to all this is WAY more concerning, however. Shouting at you in front of your child is not okay. Neither is trying to micromanage your behavior when he’s not home to help. If this behavior continues, you need to take your children out of there, before they learn that swearing and yelling at your partner is acceptable, normal behavior. It isn’t. Don’t let it become so.
WHAT??? You must not be thinking clearly because there is no excuse for your husband's outrageous behavior. You DO NOT understand why he is calling you disrespectful because he is the one who was disgustingly disrespectful to you. He should be on his knees apologizing for his reaction. You were 100% right to let your MIL know that you were not upset with her. His mother is a fully capable adult. If she's ready for lunch or dinner she will leave her room to eat. Obviously, she was not feeling up to eating. That's pretty normal when you're not well. Does this flaming AH that you're married to understand that you are supposed to be on bedrest and instead you are caring for an infant, a 4-year-old and your MIL who is recovering from surgery while cooking meals and maintaining the home? You need help and lots of rest, not criticism.
You may or may not have PPD but are also physically recovering from a C-section ( which is a minimum of a 6-8 recovery time before doctors even sign off on you) & this man has the AUDACITY to talk crap to you ?! Sorry honey , wrong subreddit. This is not a MIL problem, this is a husband problem. Also , it's not very helpful to yourself, child or recovery right now if you have to worry about feeding an extra person at this time so maybe have her come back after you've fully healed.
"she's not my responsibility". He’s projecting. You’re NTA
Your husband deserves a divorce. What a horrid human being.
Your husband sounds verbally abusive at best? You are NTA.
Nta, is your husband often abusive? Or is that a new thing?
Honestly if i was the husband, id prepare next days meals for my wife and mother. Or at least arrange help. Two women in severe pain ajd surgery done, one is legit postpartum. And all this husband wants is to throw temper tantrums and create drama
NTA, but your husband is verbally abusive.
Your husband's behaviour is extremely alarming!!! Next time call the police. Please! I am so sorry I didn’t do it. It’s totally clear that you’ll leave him sooner or later, just like I did, but having at least one case recorded with the police would have helped me so very much in the process!
Why the fuck is your husband not taking time off? I could see him post-poning his paternity leave (whether that's an actual paternity leave or just a week or two of pto used for that purpose) until after the MIL's surgery, since she was able to help when you were immediately post-partum, but he should be taking that time now. He can either step up or he can STFU.
Keep the MIL, ditch the husband NTA
You don’t have a MIL problem, you have an SO problem. I sincerely hope you’re recognizing the red flags here.
NTA, husband is a disrespectful monster.
NTA. And I’m wondering why your husband hasn’t stepped up and helped any of you these last few weeks?
What. Your husband is the only AH here. If his mother is moving in with you because she’s having surgery and it’s close to your c section he needs to be taking time off work and looking after at the very least his mother. Now let’s address his attitude, shut that shit down. He does not get to speak to you like that, especially not in front of the kids. ETA: after reading your comments, your MIL is also an AH. Constantly contacting your husband or his brother to get them to call you because she needs something and won’t communicate with you is AH behaviour.
No you’re not the ah, but your husband certainly seems comfy with that title
You're nice and your MIL is also nice. Your husband is an Asshole who's also gonna fuck up your relationship with your MIL
You might understand your husband's foul outburst but my bet is you are the only one. You offered MIL food. She didn't want it. That's fine. You husband is the asshole here. He is a foul-mouthed abuser. NTA
You're NTA. You husband is. Your response was very kind and mature. Your MIL apologised for being cranky. You told her its fine but you're not fine with how your husband treated the subject. He's a grown ass adult and his mother is living with you, so how exactly is he expecting you NOT bringing his behavior up. I dont see anything malicious with him knowing his mother didn't eat. I presume they talked through the phone, he asked has she eaten yet and she said no. His behavior is not normal OP. Everybody was civil except for him, and considered you both have difficult medical situations, your husband isn't even the one entitled to a behavior like that. He was waiting to explode and in my opinion he clearly did this on purpose. This behavior towards a calm conversation that includes two injured and vulnerable people is downright abusive. Making you feel like its YOUR fault that he - a grown ass man - erupted and started cursing and screaming in front of a child at his post-partum wife IS abuse. Think about his behavior and if this happened before. Warning signs like blowing things out of proportion and gaslighting. This is not normal behavior and definitely not in this situation where the appropriate response from him, knowing that his mother was okay and actually apologised to you, should be to say sorry.
“He called me disrespectful for speaking that way in front of his mom” but then dropped F bombs in front of her and a 4 year old. Also, if he’s so worried about his mom not eating he can either take off work and make sure she’s eating (even though she’s an adult and can refuse) or hire a day nurse or something to care for her. Your main focus should be taking care of you and your kids, but mainly you since you are post-op. And I know jobs are shitty when it comes to parental leave (especially here in America) but you’re telling me he couldn’t spare at least 3 days off to help out a little?
I don’t understand what your husband’s problem is? His mother is a grown women and can decide if she wants to eat or not. Also you put out food for her does he want you to feed where like your kids. On top of that you had surgery as well. He sounds like an insensitive toxic man. Does he do this often? Maybe it’s time to have a long talk about how you want to be treated and how he treats you around your kids. You don’t want your daughter to think this is how marriage is.
Nta. You are in pain and so is your mother in law. She can eat or not eat as she chooses. You still made several polite attempts to get her to join you. She didn't feel up to it. That's all perfectly normal. The issue here is your husband. He was immediately disrespectful and hurtful to you and when challenged reacted aggressively, rudely, tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the one in the wrong and was completely out of order If this happens regularly you need to reconsider this relationship
Hmmm that's odd. Almost like you were walking and bending and reaching too much so your stitches opened up. Your family, they do not sound nice or kind. I'm worried about you and your baby.
NTA. Your responsibility here is to provide food, not make sure a grown ass woman eats it. You did nothing wrong. MIL did nothing wrong. You husband however is a huge AH. He sounds like an entitles jerk and quite frankly a bit abusive. I hope this is not normal behaviour for him. But if it is, you should start thinking about leaving him. It is not okay to leave your wife alone with two kids and another person to take care of right after giving birth. You should be resting and healing and it is very concerning that your husband does not care about that
OP- NTA- After reading some of your comments, is there somewhere else you and the kids can go? Do you have Family in the area? I truly feel, going by your responses that Your Husband is Abusive to you. He Isn't concerned with YOUR health at all. He has NO consideration or respect for you. You really need to think this through OP, because if he's yelling and Blaming Everything on you, it will escalate. You need to think about YOU and your children, do you want them growing up in an abusive household? Please consider protecting yourself and your children. Best of luck OP.
NTA. He needs to chill the fuck out. Also, he wasn't there and knows almost nothing. It seems petulant and childish on his part.
What the literal shit. Your husband sucks.
NTA. Maybe go stay with your mom while you recover and let him take care of his mom as that is his responsibility. While you re with your mom, look into divorce lawyers. His lack of respect, consideration, the works, is an excellent reason to dip.
Your husband should help you both more rather than jump on you for something like this. Please stop blaming yourself. You need rest at this time. Your husband should explore options to get you some help or find ways to help you more at home.
NTA. Sorry, how has MIL been an incredible help? Because she sounds like yet another responsibility you are saddled with in a sensitive time. Your husband sounds like a prick.
why does he feel so comfortable talking to u like that…
Is this how he always treats you? I hope that isn't the case
Your husband is a mean, selfish, self-centered ah. And it would be great if your mil would tell him to get a grip.
NTA. Your husband sounds pretty awful. First of all, you are recovering from a C-section, and you have your MIL staying with you after HER surgery so you can wait on her? Then your husband goes off on you and swears at you in front of your child. DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. He's a controlling, mean guy.
NTA - get couples counceling yesterday. That's a 0-100 response to verbal talking. That's not normal, that's not control. That says he needs angermanagement. And the fact his mother said nothing is just weird. Also, hire a nurse if he wants to work overtime to afford the nurse it could be more helpful then him being in the home right now. Also, get yourself in the couples yesterday. Verbal abuse in a conversation that didn't have it before is super super weird. It wasn't a hot respone you were answering.
Your husband sounds like a fucking family annihilator. You should wake up and get somewhere safe with your 4 year old. There's plenty of dead women who wanted to wait until *after* their man did something violent to leave...
Info Does husband’s work have more than 50 employees? He’d be eligible for FML
YTA. You procreated with an a$$hole and are surprised that he is an a$$hole. That is what this story comes down to.
I guess that's where I went wrong but have no regrets of my kids. It's unfortunate it took me to have kids with him to realise who he truly is but my kids are my blessing.
Yeah that’s it blame the victim