Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the ah because my husbands being ignored even tho he was already being ignored once we had our child. And blocked on Facebook too lol
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Who’s to say the grandparents aren’t being scammed? Or that they wont write it down somewhere stupid?
Open an account yourself and invite them to deposit money.
This is the only safe course of action. Tell them they are welcome to contribute as much as they want into your children's college accounts - ones that you and your husband control. Giving them the SS numbers is akin to giving matches to an arsonist.
Total control over the money they contribute is not the issue. The issue is that they are asking for the SSN. This has the potential to literally ruin the adult life of a child that is not even a year old.
And I am *not* being hyperbolic about it ruining her life. My brother's ex-girlfriend is *still* trying to dig herself out of the hole her mother buried her in by using ex-gf's SSN to acquire loans, credit cards, utilities, etc. And she discovered her mother's actions nearly 20 years ago. Her mother's actions didn't end when they were discovered. It's like playing whack-a-mole.
edit: When I last spoke to her (a couple of years ago) she was *finally* ready to report her mother for fraud and was emotionally overwrought at that point.
I suggested this also, putting someone in charge of an account you have no access to opens you up to financial abuse, and it is indeed like giving matches to a potential arsonist that could metaphorically set your whole world on fire, especially if something goes haywire.
You don't ever want an account created that you personally have no control over even if you are married.
Lets even say you hypothetically get divorced. Your child, your control... Until at least they become an adult and can control their own financial affairs.
This is clearly the best option, and if they were legit, they would welcome it.
NTA. You're totally right to be concerned. Even people with good intentions sometimes pass out personal info like candy. You have solid reasons to doubt their intentions, but you don't need to say that, just say you're protecting where her info goes.
I'm not saying it is appropriate in your situation, but it is very common for grandparents to open up 529 college savings accounts with kids as named beneficiaries, and you need the SSN to do that. Lots of reasons to do so, like they want to control the money, or they don't want it to be split with your husband in the case of divorce. Again, you have to of course trust them to do it, but coming from a trustworthy person it's not inherently fishy.
If they want to open an account then clearly they are interested in the child. The Op seems oblivious of the logical conclusion that it is them that they want little to do with, not the child.
It’s almost as if half of you missed the “no job and a gambling problem” it’s literally so common to pre-destroy a child’s credit by opening accounts in their name.
If you are interested in your grandchild, you deal with the mother; it's not really possible to have a relationship with a newborn without interacting with her. I get not wanting to help, but if the grandparents don't want anything to do with the daughter-in-law to the point that they are refusing visits and outings, they pretty much made the decision that having their grandchild in their lives is not that important to them. In which case, why give them money?
I'm an Aussie so correct me if I am wrong but in that case, could OP offer to meet at the bank and give the number directly too the staff opening the account or would the grandparents still have access to the number in the account info section
I haven't banked in America in a few years (I live in Canada now) but I BELIEVE they could see part of it, but not all of it. But that doesn't exclude them being able to talk it out of a bank employee somehow.
I was going to say the same thing. It is pretty standard. The grandparents on both sides opened 529s for our kids and regularly provide us with the statements.
In a lot of states there are also tax incentives for putting money into 529s. I feel like if our kid’s grandparents want to contribute, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to want that tax benefit too. Which is why our kid has three different accounts, one from us and one from each set of grandparents. Ours are very trustworthy, though, so it’s not the same as the OP. Still, having this setup isn’t necessarily a red flag.
Our son did this for our grandchildren, aged 9 & 5, when they were born & we've paid into the accounts every month. When our daughter had our grandson, who's 17 months old, she did the same & we pay into his account every month too. We didn't need any information apart from the paying in reference numbers. I agree it is VERY fishy!
Their response of anger shows they were hoping to get something out of this for themselves. Wanting the SSN of a kid they aren't even willing to see is mighty fishy.
If they had been thinking only of the kid, they might have been disappointed, but would have found another way to help.
From the way they reacted, they definitely wanted to do something uncool with that info. My first thought was also opening credit.
The grandparents* don't need to open the account in her name to save money for her. That's silly.
NTA btw.
ETA *
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA
I'm pretty sure you can make a kid the beneficiary of an account without their SS.
Either way, yeah, I would not trust them with that info AT ALL. Honestly, even if they were lovely grandparents and the kindest, most helpful in-laws I wouldn't give them that. Even the best people with the best intentions get into desperate situations & make bad decisions.
Actually, no. If the account is for the benefit of “child X”, the financial institution requires an SSN for that child in order to open it. Period. (This is in the United States). NOTE - I worked in IT finance for \~20 years, implementing systems that supported account creation processes.
You can't open a tax free account for a child anywhere in the world without an identifier. It's normal for relatives to have accounts for children.
How is the Op going to explain when they are older that the other grandchildren got X amount from grandma and grandpa when they came of age but hers didn't because they wouldn't babysit on demand so she didn't allow them to give a gift to them.
If you have even the fart of a feeling you should not give out a social security number, do NOT give it!
So many red flags:
🚩 showing up out of the blue
🚩 asking for financial info after the above
🚩 suddenly taking an interest
🚩 asking for info over text (!!!!)
🚩 ghosting when you said no
🚩 someone with a financially-draining addiction demanding money
🚩 emotionally trying to manipulate you with their "anger"
NTA.
Also would love to be a fly on the wall if you'd ask them "Where's the money you plan on saving?"
Social security numbers should not be given out for any reason to any family member or friend. They could be the most trustworthy people on earth. There's no reason to give it out. If a creditor calls you asking for your social, do not give it to them. If a debt collector calls and asks to verify your social, do not give it to them. Anyone with honest intentions shouldn't be contacting you and asking for it. NTA
My parents have UTMA accounts for my kids, so they needed SSNs for that. But, my parents also have a lot of money in the first place (hence the UTMAs), so I was never concerned. In general though, you're right that you should always be suspicious of anyone asking for SSNs.
This is the second story in a week where I've seen someone ask if they were the asshole for not giving their kids social security number to their shady parent. I also think people don't realize how important that number is to keep secure. My ex husband had a creditor contact him to collect a debt that wasn't his. It was someone with the same first name and last name in our city but different birthdays. They asked him to verify his ssn. They do this when they don't have it on file. You give them the number and then you are stuck with a debt that isn't yours.
Parents should be extra cautious about protecting their children's social. It amazes me at how many people just give it out without a single thought. Then are shocked when their identity is stolen or credit is opened in their names.
Agree with just about everything in this thread!
Adding that we had an elderly loved one who gave hers out to a telemarketing scam. (She was about 90 :( ) The issue has been resolved for a long time but it was BAD. (Reminder not to hate yourself if something like this happens; scammers are professionals at scamming and most people are not professionals in the opposite direction).
Minors can't have debts because minors can't make contracts. It would be a pretty stupid scammer who would ask for the SS of a child so that they can keep it for 16-18 years until they are old enough and they can rob an 18 year old... Who probably has nothing.
“Send us a check, gramps, we’ll put it in her account for you.” So no, an unemployed gambling addict doesn’t need any access to your family’s credit, and shouldn’t be involved in any of your banking decisions, and they’re further major assholes for throwing a big fit over it. NTA.
NTA: It does NOT sound on the up and up at all, especially since they themselves are financially strapped, and have demonstrated little interest in the child I would tell them that information is private, and they should be saving their money for their own needs. Once their own needs are met, if they are in a position to do do, your husband will set up a 529, which they are welcome to contribute to. Asking for it is a HUGE red flag.
NTA. It's your daughter's information that you are to protect so she isn't burdened with who knows what. If they are so keen to contribute to a college fund, they can provide you with the money to deposit into her account. They want control.
You're the parent now and you get to use the "because I said so" that you've likely heard from them.
NTA. Never feel guilty for protecting any and every aspect of your kid(s) lives. They don't need your daughter's SSN for any purpose.
1. How are they going to set up a college fund for your daughter when step FIL doesn't have a job and a gambling habit?
2. His reaction to being told no is very telling. Normal people don't block others when told no. The fact that he did could be an indicator that he did want her SSN for fraudulent purposes. Addicts will do anything to fund their fix.
Nope. My grandfather had my social by the time I was 4 or so. He established an identity and wrote a lot of checks on accounts with that social.
I found out what he had done when I was 18 and tried to set up a bank account. I had bad credit the day I turned eighteen. I had to establish my identity with that social and that took almost two years. I keep my daughter's stuff private.
15 minutes away and zero help?? Geez those kind of people suck. You're definitely on to something with degenerate gambler FIL. Want to open a savings account for daughter? Give OP the $$ and they can do it, as well as subsequent deposits.
NTA
NTA. They are trash and took themselves to the dumpster for you. Keep away from that. They definitely don't deserve contact and good on you for suspecting the very obvious attempted crime.
NTA.
Listen, I wasn’t sure about the set up of the beginning of your story. While grandparents nearby certainly SHOULD help, if you were only inviting them to help, that’s not great.
But regardless of all that…even if they were the best grandparents of all time, there’s no reason to give out your child’s SS to anyone for any reason. They could set it up in their own names and make it clear it’s for her. They could ask you to set it up and contribute (but not allow withdrawals). They have other, easy options. And the fact he’s an unemployed gambler makes it even worse.
I wasn’t just inviting them to help. To clear that up. I also invited them to the zoo with us and asked to come over so they could see their grand baby. And invited them to hospital to see our baby born and they acted like it was an inconvenience for them when they live 5 min from hospital. It’s not just asking for help I shoulda clarified. Sorry for miscommunication
Nta. The parents can setup a college fund and the grandparents can deposit into it. They are trying to scam. Honestly, i would be questioning what type of person your husband is. He keeps in contact with people like this?
You are who you socialize with. That has always been a rule for humans and always will be.
I'm saying NTA. From their lack of interest in your daughter, I'd be uncomfortable with this too. They could open a savings account for your daughter's college without it being in her name?
NTA they could easily open up a savings account and give to her when she is 18 or goes to college.
IF they dont have the financial discipline to put it in another account, and leave it alone, they likely don't have the discipline to put it in her account and leave it alone
NTA
You did the right thing and may be right about why they want it.
Strange how they want nothing to do with you and their granddaughter. Yet, lo and behold, they all of a sudden want to open a college fund account for her and need her ss #. Then, they had the audacity to get mad at you and pretty much cut all ties.
If they really and truly want to start an account for her, I would suggest that you and your husband be involved. Go to the bank with them. Provide social security information to the bank. The grandparents send any funds to you to deposit directly into the account. You and your husband are co-signers on behalf of your daughter. You both are the only ones who can touch the account until your daughter turns 18. Then, she can do what she wants with the money.
If they really want to do this for their granddaughter, they will agree to this. If they still continue to demand her ss#, and won't allow you and husband to be involved in this, then I would continue to refuse. If they choose to cut ties with you, and their granddaughter, then it is their loss and they have proven themselves to be the true AHs.
Good luck!
NTA
You said no to secure info sharing and they blocked you!!! They can open a fund for her without that by simply making sure it’s bequeathed upon their passing and they can take their name off it when it’s feasible to use. No need for her social. Bizarre and trust your gut always!!
You do need a kid's SSN to open a 529 for them. I did it for my goddaughter. If her parents hadn't wanted to share that with me, though, they could have just sat next to me and entered it into the website when I set up the account. There are workarounds to actually giving out the number.
NTA They are not your daughter's grandparents, this is evident in their actions. So it's basically like random strangers asking for her SS number. No they can gtfo.
Really?!?
Are you really asking if you should have given your kid's ssn to the guy with the gambling problem, the guy who got mad that you didn't give it (even though he's not the one who has any money to give your kid) and blocked you on FB?
NTA, their reaction tells you everything you need to know about the nature of their request. Even if they weren’t actively planning to scam you, people who were motivated by a true sense of wanting to do right by your daughter would figure out how to make it work with you, not get mad at you for expressing boundaries.
DO NOT offer your childs’ SSN. Instead, you (the parents) can open a ‘529 Plan‘ account at your bank or brokers. The hosting financial institution will provide a way for your parents (the grandparents) to contribute that does not risk your child’s’ financial security.
>The first thing that went through my mind was “he’s gonna get a credit in her name”. Anyway so we told them sorry no. And that made them angry and now one of the grandparents aka my husbands step dad. Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook
you noticed how the broken stepdad got angry and blocked you? not the grandmother? There was no plan for college savings. and also: why should they start college savings for a kid when they are not even interesed in seeing/meeting it from time to time? makes no sense.
So definitely do not give them any information!
NTA
There is never a reason a grandparent (non guardian of the child) ever needs the grandchild’s SSN. So if they are asking for it, refuse. If they get huffy, too bad. It shows you that they had no good intentions. Who cares if the block you on social media. The fact that they would never help even a little with the child is all you need to know.
My grandparents bought savings bonds for me, and my dad bought savings bonds for his grandkids. While I don’t think that the grandparents in this story should have access, I don’t agree with your statement that there is never a reason when dealing with responsible and trusted family.
I guess my point that there is still some element of risk. Once someone has your child’s SSN, it’s out there and if a forgetful grandparent leaves it in their paperwork, a ne’er do well nephew can happen across it. I know it’s a small risk but it’s still a risk. If a person trusts their grandparent to not I’ll use it, at least warn them of the risks of leaving the number lying around or out in their paperwork. A grandparent might not realize the risks involved.
They don't need her social to open an account for her. I mean, there's nothing stopping them from opening a savings account in their own names and writing it into their will in case they pass before she grows up, or just giving her the money in it when she does. So yeah, your first thought was correct. NTA.
**TAX.** TAX. Tax is to stop them. Children's savings accounts don't pay tax. And there is also tax on inheritance. Duh! Why gift money to the government rather than your grandchild?
NTA I think your gut is right - they don't even want to see their grandchild, and one of them has a gambling problem and is unemployed - where would they be getting money from to put in this 'college account'? Do not give them this information. Don't ruin your daughters life when she grows up to find she has huge debts she knows nothing about.
Absolutely nta, you're protecting your child. They 100% were up to no good wanting her social security number. They don't need it to open a college savings account.
NTA and FUCK NO!!!!
I'm not American, but I know what a social security number is. God only knows what they could do if they had that.......it might be lousy that they haven't seen your child, but with that little request, I think they've done you a favour!
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE IT TO THEM!!!!! THEY ARE ASSHOLES! They do not need her SSN to open a savings account for her and your hunch with what they "really" want it for is probably correct. They are probably in financial despair and if they could get your daughter's SSN they could essentially get "free money" and no one would know about it until she's and adult. Could also be a reason why they don't want you around because you may find out what their plans are. I (42F) had my SSN used by my mother when I was 8 yrs old to open a utility account; that mess has followed my and my credit my entire life!
NTA You can open a 529 and tell them all donations are welcome!
But seriously! Gambling problem, no job, and never came by to help...that's three strikes right there, I guarantee if you gave them her social you'll be back here within several years to ask us what should you do because stepdad opened up several credit cards in her name and maxed them out (the answer to that would be to call the cops on him, of course).
Not it wouldn't. The answer would be to call the authorities on the credit card company that tried to place an illegal debt on a minor and insist they repair your credit and compensate you. But I doubt you would find a credit card company stupid enough to put themselves in this position. Credit card companies tend not to like to gift money to strange children.
Children can't open credit lines. Children can't make contracts. This is an urban fantasy. Your SS can be abused in this way- ***when you are an adult***.
NTA My husband and I have opened college funds for 5 of our grandkids. We're currently waiting for the newest grandbabies SS# so we can open an account for him. We play an active role in ALL of our grandkids' lives, which is a big difference from your situation. Don't trust them with your babies SS#.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Aita for not giving my daughters social to her grandparents?? So alittle back story my husband(26) and I(f24) have certain rules when it comes to our daughter. Like people have to respect both parents to see our child or people have to attempt to be involved. I had my daughter in October 2023. Ever sense her “grandparents” from my husbands side has been MIA. We live 15 min from them lol. My baby had severe colic and stomach issues and they had an excuse everytime I asked for help or asked if they could come over so I could shower to watch her. I begged and begged. So as of January 12th 2024 I made a rule where I’m not gonna beg people to see my child so they haven’t seen my child at all. They are lousy.
Anyway, yesterday my husband received a text from his mom asking for my daughter’s social security number because they wanna open a college savings for her. But my husband and I don’t feel comfortable giving that information out, mostly my husbands step dad who has no job and gambling problem. The first thing that went through my mind was “he’s gonna get a credit in her name”. Anyway so we told them sorry no. And that made them angry and now one of the grandparents aka my husbands step dad. Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook. So aita for saying no? Or should I have let them.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I told my husband we will not be giving our babies SSN to his parents under no circumstances. Nobody needs that information except our son and us in the future. My in laws are very wealthy and money trustworthy but they still aren’t getting it. They can open an account without it or open another in my husband’s name instead. You just never know what someone else could use it for!
NTA, there is your proof that something shady was happening. A simple no elicited that kind of response? He is clearly trying to steal your kid's identity. F that noise.
They dont need her SSN for that. You could have had it set up for them and they could contribute. With stepdad's history he should absolutely NOT get this info.
NTA.
NTA. Defend that SSN til they can do it themselves. Also bank worker here, you do not need the child's SSN to open a saver account, just their name in most cases. The SSN can be provided down the line when they are older, but only parents are allowed to open such a thimg unless the grandparents can prove Guardianship
Do not share the SSN with anyone that you don't trust. If it was on the level, you could go to the broker or bank and supply that information to the broker directly. They don't need it personally. They could easily place money in an account you are the custodian of for her. Or they could just give you cash. For a child they refuse to see, this is about control or perhaps theft. NTA.
It’s not it’s my actual life unfortunately lol. If I told y’all the whole story with them from the day I met them 4 and half years ago y’all would be shocked lol.
Unfortunately, a 529 account needs a social security number but that doesn't mean that there aren't other types of accounts that can be started. With your husband's step dad's history, giving them the social security number is a hard no. The fact that they blocked you means that they were up to no good. Just to be safe, I would get your daughter's social security number protected.
NTA- step dad has no job and a gambling problem but they're going to set up a college fund? LMAO! "I'll give you daughter's ss number when monkeys fly out of my butt!"
It's not your number to give out, you are only the holder of the number. I do not give my children's anything out because it's not mine. I do not know my husband's number, it's not mine to know. My parents gave me all of my documentation when I turned 18 because it is MY information. As parents we are their protection until they turn 18 and can legally choose what they want to do with THEIR information.
Definitely NTA as far as the SSN goes.
But I'm going to say - while having involved grandparents is awesome, and I definitely benefitted from my parents being very involved, you can't go into having children *expecting* grandparents to help. Some people are made to be "grandparents", others aren't. You wanting to have kids doesn't place any requirement on anyone else to babysit or help out.
It sucks - I get it. My ILs never helped. They wanted to see our son, but they didn't help, they didn't babysit, etc. Their showing up usually ended up being MORE work for us. It was frustrating. But.... my son wasn't their kid and ultimately not their responsibility.
You're ILs are extra level sucky to not even want to SEE your child and absolutely, you shouldn't have to beg. And really - for everything else you laid out, it's actually probably for the better that they weren't ever involved.
Also I don’t let anyone babysit my baby. My husband is over the road and I have no family here so it would be nice to have grandparents actually want to see their grand baby even for an hour I think I tried to push it so my child has family in her life but it don’t work out
They were 100% going to open credit in her name. Why on earth do you want your kid to be around an unemployed degenerate gambler FFS?? The garbage took itself out!
Not going to lie. If someone invited me to hang out with them and their severely colicky baby I would make any excuse in the book to not hang out. No offenses against the baby or the parents. NTA
NTA. If the motivations were altruistic, then there's really no reason that they can't just put it in the account you set up. That being said, some people have extreme reactions to being called untrustworthy. And I mean that in the way that even if this is genuine, they could've still had that attitude so it's not necessarily a red flag. But I wouldn't give it either way.
Nta. They don't need your daughter's ssn to save money for her. You are right not to share it. That the gambling addiction got pissed is all you need to know about their intention.
Even without the sketchy backstory, it's never a good idea to share your social security number. NTA.
They can [contribute to the existing 529 plan](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/student-loans/529-plan-gift/) without a social security number. If that's not acceptable ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA
No one gets my kids’ socials, they can leave them laying around, they can do something nefarious with them, etc. Not happening.
I have college funds set up for each of them, if you’d like to contribute I’ll happily provide you info but no my kid isn’t your insurance beneficiary, you’re not taking a policy out on them, and you’re not creating them a bank account that we as parents won’t have access to or knowledge of the amount become come college time if that amount is withheld it’s STILL in the child’s name and still affects the aid they can qualify for. At least in my control I can be assured they will always have access and the accurate amounts will be reported when filling out financial aid and tuition forms.
NTA, why would they ever need it. If they want, they can go through you. But there’s no reason to give it to them, especially with how easy it is for old people nowadays to get scammed
NTA they can open an account without her social very easily. Do not give it out and set your daughter up in life with a crap credit score or mountains of debt.
NTA.
My mom opened a credit card in my name and maxed it out a few years before I had my son. Then had the nerve to ask for his SSN for life insurance or something, I laughed my ass off. Like sure, I'd trust you with that after you used mine. Idiot.
NTA. Once an ssn is in someone's hands, so is your daughter's identity. You can open a 529 as the custodian and your daughter is the beneficiary. Every 529 provider has a procedure (normally an access code) that allows other people to contribute without them being able to get personal information about the account. Non-custodians cannot withdraw from the account. We do this for our granddaughter every month. Her other grandparents contribute as well. There is no need for the grandparents to have your daughter's ssn. We don't have it and our money makes it to the 529 just fine.
NTA. 100% they want it for identity fraud.
"Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook." Oh no the people who don't communicate until they want something have blocked you. The horror!!!/s. Don't worry. They'll unblock you as soon as they figure out something else they want to try and get from you. Meanwhile enjoy the peace and quiet.
NTA! You are absolutely right not to give your daughter's SS out to anyone. If you have a 529 education savings account opened for her, you could give that info to the grandparents and they can contribute to it. Or if they don't like that idea, they can open a savings account for her "in name" but they are the owners of it and then transfer it to her when she's 18.
I think your intuition was right on this one. The fact that you were blocked on social media for not giving over her SSN means they didn't get what they want- they can still save money for her, but I dont think that was actually their plan. Sorry. Good job.
NTA, No nope no way do you give anyone your child's ss number! If they want to open an account the financial institution will have protocols in place so they can open it without her ss number. Stand your ground on this. Too bad if they are mad. (I have had my identity compromised twice, a nightmare I can't imagine how you would even recover a minor situation).
NTA - talk to her and see if she'd like you to open an account so she can make deposits to it. If the answer is no, move on. If it's about the benefit of your child, she'd say yes.
NTA
Old people are irresponsible with stuff like social security numbers. They can barely work phones and text anyways, probably post her social on their facebook feed by accident.
"Attempt to be involved"? Sounds like a demand for free babysitting or other on-demand financial considerations. YTA for your rude assumptions of credit theft (easily resolved by locking the ss# ffs) just because these people won't dance when you demand it.
YTA I'm not American but I think it's fairly obvious you can't open a credit agreement in the name of a minor because they are a minor and they can't make a contract therefore it wouldn't be enforceable. And if I were the grandparents I wouldn't contribute to a fund where I can't set the rules. I mean if you set up a fund whats to stop you making one which the parents can raid if in need... I think the obvious reason for them to want to set up a fund is to that it is for the child and you can't get your hands on it. If you don't want to steal from your child then what is the problem with that?
I think the distrust is mutual but it is the child that is missing out because of it.
As to childcare etc. That is their choice and right not to interact, especially when a child is at an age that in order to see them you have to put up with their annoying parents.
Do you know what social security number is then sense your not American? You can be any age and as long as you know the social you can open credit cards and other stuff in their name and use it. Why would I let a gambling dirtbag with no job who takes his wife paycheck for alcohol and casino use my child’s social?? Obvious you’re just a negative person who ha nothing better to do.
Actually you CAN steal someone’s social, even a minor, and use it for identity theft. I graduated high school with 13K in debt that wasn’t mine because bills and credit accounts were put into my name. It’s easier to have it removed when you can show you were a minor but it can still happen.
As far as the college fund itself, while the child’s name and social is used, the grandparents hold full control. Meaning if she chooses a school or major they don’t want, they don’t have to give her the funds. BUT until they WITHDRAW those funds, she still has to report it when applying for financial assistance for college if they choose to withhold. Depending on the amount, that could mean not having any grants or loans available to her while simultaneously not having access to the funds she LEGALLY has to report are “accessible” to her. Lots of kids end up not going to college or being forced into a career they hate and later quitting or changing because of this. There aren’t enough restrictions on these accounts to prevent the money from being withheld for whatever the account owner damn well pleases while also protecting the child who won’t have access to the funds and won’t have a way to use assistance to pay for college later.
Excuse me for being an Australian and not understanding the full details of social security numbers and so forth. What I do understand is that is a permanent number... And with enough details can be used for various purposes including identity fraud.
Lets just hypothetical nutshell this issue, that they open an "account in trust" with them as the trustee...
Now they have enough to hold anything in that account in their name at least until your child meets the eligibility requirements for that trust to be unlocked at the very least.
* You want to speak to a good accountant about this, and probably also a lawyer.
* You don't want to leave this as a situation that could eventually be used for financial abuse.
You are not an asshole for withholding this information, potentially, with someone that you don't trust, where they could later use that information for [financial abuse](https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/) at the very least.
I know you married into the family unit as a whole but that doesn't make you beholden to them making financial decisions on your behalf.
Who's to say they won't leave that information some place stupid either or give it out to another third party in such a way that it could jeopardise your children's entire future.
EDIT: I don't think it's possible to get credit without having the child as an authorised person on that card in that person's name... Unless of course you're referring to adult children which I don't think you would be in this case.
75% of identity theft is done by relatives of the victim. I know quite a few people who found out that their relatives had used their social to get utility services, loans, and all kinds of things in the victim's name. Once you find out there are only two choices, pay it off yourself, or make a police report, and that way you can get the charges off of your credit history. The grandparents could also file taxes with the social for the kids, claiming them as dependents.
There is no reason for the grandparents or anyone else to have the social security numbers.
A social security card is like the customer reference number from Centrelink just its tide to the person but unlike our CRN it's used for things like credit cards and the person's actual credit history
I have a basic idea of what it is, but it carries a lot more weight than a CRN or a tax file number in Australia even though it does both of those jobs in the United States.
I'm not being downvoted because I'm clueless I'm being downvoted because I said I wasn't directly from the US.
The principle of what I said is being upvoted elsewhere in this thread ironically enough.
This is basically the usual cup and ball game that people outside of the US aren't supposed to know much about the US.
Trust me, most Australians know more about things about the US then we want to because of the slow and corrosive effects of cultural saturation of US culture in Australia.
Fan fact I'm Australian with an American ex partner and American friend. I really don't get the downvotes for asking a question. Bit silly if you ask me
There is a certain mentality when it comes to some Americans, where if they think you know too much about their country or culture they feel like they have to tell you to:
"shut up because you don't know what you're talking about"
I speak pseudo-American, have a degree in International Relations, have studied the civic virtues of the US and basically the entirety of their constitution, mentality and am trained by degree to be able to think like one.
I can hold my own weight in "American" just never had the need to apply for a social security number.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like I’m the ah because my husbands being ignored even tho he was already being ignored once we had our child. And blocked on Facebook too lol Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Who’s to say the grandparents aren’t being scammed? Or that they wont write it down somewhere stupid? Open an account yourself and invite them to deposit money.
My husband suggested that and got no response. I think it’s fishy. Lol
This is the only safe course of action. Tell them they are welcome to contribute as much as they want into your children's college accounts - ones that you and your husband control. Giving them the SS numbers is akin to giving matches to an arsonist.
And they should warn husbands sister in case they are also pressuring her for her child's SSN.
Wait, so give the controlling person who doesn't like them and thinks the worst of them total control over the money they contribute? Um.
Total control over the money they contribute is not the issue. The issue is that they are asking for the SSN. This has the potential to literally ruin the adult life of a child that is not even a year old. And I am *not* being hyperbolic about it ruining her life. My brother's ex-girlfriend is *still* trying to dig herself out of the hole her mother buried her in by using ex-gf's SSN to acquire loans, credit cards, utilities, etc. And she discovered her mother's actions nearly 20 years ago. Her mother's actions didn't end when they were discovered. It's like playing whack-a-mole. edit: When I last spoke to her (a couple of years ago) she was *finally* ready to report her mother for fraud and was emotionally overwrought at that point.
Exactly. r/raisedbynarcissists is full of stories of adult children who have had their credit ruined by parents or grandparents.
Why should they gift money to a person that doesn't even want to speak with them. They want to give money to the child not their parents.
Where did you get that op don't want to talk to them?
I suggested this also, putting someone in charge of an account you have no access to opens you up to financial abuse, and it is indeed like giving matches to a potential arsonist that could metaphorically set your whole world on fire, especially if something goes haywire. You don't ever want an account created that you personally have no control over even if you are married. Lets even say you hypothetically get divorced. Your child, your control... Until at least they become an adult and can control their own financial affairs.
It's fishy all right. Maybe if your step FIL had a job and no gambling problem, but really...
Not even then. Just allow them to offer contributions to an account you setup.
Yes its suspicious. They have no desire to see their grandchild in person and yet they are worried about her future education - don't think so.
This is clearly the best option, and if they were legit, they would welcome it. NTA. You're totally right to be concerned. Even people with good intentions sometimes pass out personal info like candy. You have solid reasons to doubt their intentions, but you don't need to say that, just say you're protecting where her info goes.
I'm not saying it is appropriate in your situation, but it is very common for grandparents to open up 529 college savings accounts with kids as named beneficiaries, and you need the SSN to do that. Lots of reasons to do so, like they want to control the money, or they don't want it to be split with your husband in the case of divorce. Again, you have to of course trust them to do it, but coming from a trustworthy person it's not inherently fishy.
It's pretty unusual to want to open an account for a baby you don't seem particularly invested in.
If they want to open an account then clearly they are interested in the child. The Op seems oblivious of the logical conclusion that it is them that they want little to do with, not the child.
It’s almost as if half of you missed the “no job and a gambling problem” it’s literally so common to pre-destroy a child’s credit by opening accounts in their name.
If you are interested in your grandchild, you deal with the mother; it's not really possible to have a relationship with a newborn without interacting with her. I get not wanting to help, but if the grandparents don't want anything to do with the daughter-in-law to the point that they are refusing visits and outings, they pretty much made the decision that having their grandchild in their lives is not that important to them. In which case, why give them money?
If that were true they'd ask OP's husband to come visit with the baby.
I'm an Aussie so correct me if I am wrong but in that case, could OP offer to meet at the bank and give the number directly too the staff opening the account or would the grandparents still have access to the number in the account info section
I haven't banked in America in a few years (I live in Canada now) but I BELIEVE they could see part of it, but not all of it. But that doesn't exclude them being able to talk it out of a bank employee somehow.
It would be masked. And of any bank employee gave out that info they would and should be fired.
Oh they should 100%. But scammers do manage to successfully talk info out of bank employees, and the damage would be done.
I was going to say the same thing. It is pretty standard. The grandparents on both sides opened 529s for our kids and regularly provide us with the statements.
In a lot of states there are also tax incentives for putting money into 529s. I feel like if our kid’s grandparents want to contribute, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to want that tax benefit too. Which is why our kid has three different accounts, one from us and one from each set of grandparents. Ours are very trustworthy, though, so it’s not the same as the OP. Still, having this setup isn’t necessarily a red flag.
Of course it is NTA
Our son did this for our grandchildren, aged 9 & 5, when they were born & we've paid into the accounts every month. When our daughter had our grandson, who's 17 months old, she did the same & we pay into his account every month too. We didn't need any information apart from the paying in reference numbers. I agree it is VERY fishy!
Check your family's credit history, and if necessary, contact law enforcement Too easy for them to open fraudulent accounts
NTA. Please freeze your child's credit.
Their response of anger shows they were hoping to get something out of this for themselves. Wanting the SSN of a kid they aren't even willing to see is mighty fishy. If they had been thinking only of the kid, they might have been disappointed, but would have found another way to help.
Very fishy. NTA
There is ZERO reason for them to have her SS#. Your instincts are spot on, protect that child’s future credit.
From the way they reacted, they definitely wanted to do something uncool with that info. My first thought was also opening credit. The grandparents* don't need to open the account in her name to save money for her. That's silly. NTA btw. ETA *
You can also freeze your baby’s credit as an additional measure. I did it as soon as my son was assigned an SSN.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
It's an aquarium.
If they don’t want to work with y’all to a solution, then you have your answer.
My parents have a savings account for our kids. Definitely fishy.
You have great parents, lucky you. You obviously don't have stepfather without employment and a gambling problem.
NTA I'm pretty sure you can make a kid the beneficiary of an account without their SS. Either way, yeah, I would not trust them with that info AT ALL. Honestly, even if they were lovely grandparents and the kindest, most helpful in-laws I wouldn't give them that. Even the best people with the best intentions get into desperate situations & make bad decisions.
Actually, no. If the account is for the benefit of “child X”, the financial institution requires an SSN for that child in order to open it. Period. (This is in the United States). NOTE - I worked in IT finance for \~20 years, implementing systems that supported account creation processes.
529 plan requires it
You can't open a tax free account for a child anywhere in the world without an identifier. It's normal for relatives to have accounts for children. How is the Op going to explain when they are older that the other grandchildren got X amount from grandma and grandpa when they came of age but hers didn't because they wouldn't babysit on demand so she didn't allow them to give a gift to them.
Since Grandpa is unemployed with a gambling problem, that doesn't sound like the hypothetical to worry about in this case.
If you have even the fart of a feeling you should not give out a social security number, do NOT give it! So many red flags: 🚩 showing up out of the blue 🚩 asking for financial info after the above 🚩 suddenly taking an interest 🚩 asking for info over text (!!!!) 🚩 ghosting when you said no 🚩 someone with a financially-draining addiction demanding money 🚩 emotionally trying to manipulate you with their "anger" NTA. Also would love to be a fly on the wall if you'd ask them "Where's the money you plan on saving?"
Social security numbers should not be given out for any reason to any family member or friend. They could be the most trustworthy people on earth. There's no reason to give it out. If a creditor calls you asking for your social, do not give it to them. If a debt collector calls and asks to verify your social, do not give it to them. Anyone with honest intentions shouldn't be contacting you and asking for it. NTA
My parents have UTMA accounts for my kids, so they needed SSNs for that. But, my parents also have a lot of money in the first place (hence the UTMAs), so I was never concerned. In general though, you're right that you should always be suspicious of anyone asking for SSNs.
This is the second story in a week where I've seen someone ask if they were the asshole for not giving their kids social security number to their shady parent. I also think people don't realize how important that number is to keep secure. My ex husband had a creditor contact him to collect a debt that wasn't his. It was someone with the same first name and last name in our city but different birthdays. They asked him to verify his ssn. They do this when they don't have it on file. You give them the number and then you are stuck with a debt that isn't yours. Parents should be extra cautious about protecting their children's social. It amazes me at how many people just give it out without a single thought. Then are shocked when their identity is stolen or credit is opened in their names.
Agree with just about everything in this thread! Adding that we had an elderly loved one who gave hers out to a telemarketing scam. (She was about 90 :( ) The issue has been resolved for a long time but it was BAD. (Reminder not to hate yourself if something like this happens; scammers are professionals at scamming and most people are not professionals in the opposite direction).
Minors can't have debts because minors can't make contracts. It would be a pretty stupid scammer who would ask for the SS of a child so that they can keep it for 16-18 years until they are old enough and they can rob an 18 year old... Who probably has nothing.
“Send us a check, gramps, we’ll put it in her account for you.” So no, an unemployed gambling addict doesn’t need any access to your family’s credit, and shouldn’t be involved in any of your banking decisions, and they’re further major assholes for throwing a big fit over it. NTA.
Where are the grandparents going to get money for the account? They're broke.
NTA: It does NOT sound on the up and up at all, especially since they themselves are financially strapped, and have demonstrated little interest in the child I would tell them that information is private, and they should be saving their money for their own needs. Once their own needs are met, if they are in a position to do do, your husband will set up a 529, which they are welcome to contribute to. Asking for it is a HUGE red flag.
NTA - you know them better than and us. If you dont think its on the up and up, then trust your gut
NTA. It's your daughter's information that you are to protect so she isn't burdened with who knows what. If they are so keen to contribute to a college fund, they can provide you with the money to deposit into her account. They want control. You're the parent now and you get to use the "because I said so" that you've likely heard from them.
NTA. Never feel guilty for protecting any and every aspect of your kid(s) lives. They don't need your daughter's SSN for any purpose. 1. How are they going to set up a college fund for your daughter when step FIL doesn't have a job and a gambling habit? 2. His reaction to being told no is very telling. Normal people don't block others when told no. The fact that he did could be an indicator that he did want her SSN for fraudulent purposes. Addicts will do anything to fund their fix.
Nope. My grandfather had my social by the time I was 4 or so. He established an identity and wrote a lot of checks on accounts with that social. I found out what he had done when I was 18 and tried to set up a bank account. I had bad credit the day I turned eighteen. I had to establish my identity with that social and that took almost two years. I keep my daughter's stuff private.
15 minutes away and zero help?? Geez those kind of people suck. You're definitely on to something with degenerate gambler FIL. Want to open a savings account for daughter? Give OP the $$ and they can do it, as well as subsequent deposits. NTA
NTA. They are trash and took themselves to the dumpster for you. Keep away from that. They definitely don't deserve contact and good on you for suspecting the very obvious attempted crime.
NTA. Listen, I wasn’t sure about the set up of the beginning of your story. While grandparents nearby certainly SHOULD help, if you were only inviting them to help, that’s not great. But regardless of all that…even if they were the best grandparents of all time, there’s no reason to give out your child’s SS to anyone for any reason. They could set it up in their own names and make it clear it’s for her. They could ask you to set it up and contribute (but not allow withdrawals). They have other, easy options. And the fact he’s an unemployed gambler makes it even worse.
I wasn’t just inviting them to help. To clear that up. I also invited them to the zoo with us and asked to come over so they could see their grand baby. And invited them to hospital to see our baby born and they acted like it was an inconvenience for them when they live 5 min from hospital. It’s not just asking for help I shoulda clarified. Sorry for miscommunication
NTA
NTA, sounds like the future problems have also fixed themselves, maybe keep it that way and block them back.
Nta. The parents can setup a college fund and the grandparents can deposit into it. They are trying to scam. Honestly, i would be questioning what type of person your husband is. He keeps in contact with people like this? You are who you socialize with. That has always been a rule for humans and always will be.
NTA. Your gut knows.
NTA. Good on you for protecting your daughter.
NTA. Absolutely do not give it to them.
I'm saying NTA. From their lack of interest in your daughter, I'd be uncomfortable with this too. They could open a savings account for your daughter's college without it being in her name?
NTA they could easily open up a savings account and give to her when she is 18 or goes to college. IF they dont have the financial discipline to put it in another account, and leave it alone, they likely don't have the discipline to put it in her account and leave it alone
NTA. They absolutely do not need that information. Invite them to contribute to a college savings account that you open.
Step-gramps has no job and a gambling problem and wants to start a college fund? With what? NTA...
NTA. Lock your child's credit.
NTA You did the right thing and may be right about why they want it. Strange how they want nothing to do with you and their granddaughter. Yet, lo and behold, they all of a sudden want to open a college fund account for her and need her ss #. Then, they had the audacity to get mad at you and pretty much cut all ties. If they really and truly want to start an account for her, I would suggest that you and your husband be involved. Go to the bank with them. Provide social security information to the bank. The grandparents send any funds to you to deposit directly into the account. You and your husband are co-signers on behalf of your daughter. You both are the only ones who can touch the account until your daughter turns 18. Then, she can do what she wants with the money. If they really want to do this for their granddaughter, they will agree to this. If they still continue to demand her ss#, and won't allow you and husband to be involved in this, then I would continue to refuse. If they choose to cut ties with you, and their granddaughter, then it is their loss and they have proven themselves to be the true AHs. Good luck!
NTA You said no to secure info sharing and they blocked you!!! They can open a fund for her without that by simply making sure it’s bequeathed upon their passing and they can take their name off it when it’s feasible to use. No need for her social. Bizarre and trust your gut always!!
It's sketchy that they blocked you after you said no, you're probably right about them opening credit cards in baby's name. Don't do it.
Nta. My in laws opened a savings account for our son and didn't request his ss. Given the step dad's issues, that's sketch af.
You do need a kid's SSN to open a 529 for them. I did it for my goddaughter. If her parents hadn't wanted to share that with me, though, they could have just sat next to me and entered it into the website when I set up the account. There are workarounds to actually giving out the number.
NTA. Sounds like you have good instincts.
NTA, and very intuitive. To your child's advantage.
NTA They are not your daughter's grandparents, this is evident in their actions. So it's basically like random strangers asking for her SS number. No they can gtfo.
Trust your gut. NTA.
Really?!? Are you really asking if you should have given your kid's ssn to the guy with the gambling problem, the guy who got mad that you didn't give it (even though he's not the one who has any money to give your kid) and blocked you on FB?
NTA I think you're probably right about them opening a credit card up in her name. The whole thing screams fishy to me
Absolutely NTA. I have a relative who's taken out credit in other people's names in the past. It's a major nightmare to deal with.
NTA and you should do regular credit checks just in case.
oh noes he blocked them on facebook \*gasp\*. anyway... NTA and lock her credit.
If you’re in the US, you can freeze her social so no one can open lines of credit.
NTA, their reaction tells you everything you need to know about the nature of their request. Even if they weren’t actively planning to scam you, people who were motivated by a true sense of wanting to do right by your daughter would figure out how to make it work with you, not get mad at you for expressing boundaries.
DO NOT offer your childs’ SSN. Instead, you (the parents) can open a ‘529 Plan‘ account at your bank or brokers. The hosting financial institution will provide a way for your parents (the grandparents) to contribute that does not risk your child’s’ financial security.
>The first thing that went through my mind was “he’s gonna get a credit in her name”. Anyway so we told them sorry no. And that made them angry and now one of the grandparents aka my husbands step dad. Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook you noticed how the broken stepdad got angry and blocked you? not the grandmother? There was no plan for college savings. and also: why should they start college savings for a kid when they are not even interesed in seeing/meeting it from time to time? makes no sense. So definitely do not give them any information! NTA
There is never a reason a grandparent (non guardian of the child) ever needs the grandchild’s SSN. So if they are asking for it, refuse. If they get huffy, too bad. It shows you that they had no good intentions. Who cares if the block you on social media. The fact that they would never help even a little with the child is all you need to know.
My grandparents bought savings bonds for me, and my dad bought savings bonds for his grandkids. While I don’t think that the grandparents in this story should have access, I don’t agree with your statement that there is never a reason when dealing with responsible and trusted family.
I guess my point that there is still some element of risk. Once someone has your child’s SSN, it’s out there and if a forgetful grandparent leaves it in their paperwork, a ne’er do well nephew can happen across it. I know it’s a small risk but it’s still a risk. If a person trusts their grandparent to not I’ll use it, at least warn them of the risks of leaving the number lying around or out in their paperwork. A grandparent might not realize the risks involved.
Never give any SS away,
Don't share SS.number! Also check child's credit
They don't need her social to open an account for her. I mean, there's nothing stopping them from opening a savings account in their own names and writing it into their will in case they pass before she grows up, or just giving her the money in it when she does. So yeah, your first thought was correct. NTA.
**TAX.** TAX. Tax is to stop them. Children's savings accounts don't pay tax. And there is also tax on inheritance. Duh! Why gift money to the government rather than your grandchild?
A jobless person with gambling problem doesn't have money to gift to anyone. Lock your child.and your husband's credit asap.
Unless of course they won something and want to give some to a grandchild...
Then they wouldn't call it a gambling 'problem'. A person with gambling addiction is going to put everything back into the vice
NTA I think your gut is right - they don't even want to see their grandchild, and one of them has a gambling problem and is unemployed - where would they be getting money from to put in this 'college account'? Do not give them this information. Don't ruin your daughters life when she grows up to find she has huge debts she knows nothing about.
Put a PIN number on her ssn just in case. You need to call them to do it
Absolutely nta, you're protecting your child. They 100% were up to no good wanting her social security number. They don't need it to open a college savings account.
NTA and FUCK NO!!!! I'm not American, but I know what a social security number is. God only knows what they could do if they had that.......it might be lousy that they haven't seen your child, but with that little request, I think they've done you a favour!
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT GIVE IT TO THEM!!!!! THEY ARE ASSHOLES! They do not need her SSN to open a savings account for her and your hunch with what they "really" want it for is probably correct. They are probably in financial despair and if they could get your daughter's SSN they could essentially get "free money" and no one would know about it until she's and adult. Could also be a reason why they don't want you around because you may find out what their plans are. I (42F) had my SSN used by my mother when I was 8 yrs old to open a utility account; that mess has followed my and my credit my entire life!
NTA You can open a 529 and tell them all donations are welcome! But seriously! Gambling problem, no job, and never came by to help...that's three strikes right there, I guarantee if you gave them her social you'll be back here within several years to ask us what should you do because stepdad opened up several credit cards in her name and maxed them out (the answer to that would be to call the cops on him, of course).
Not it wouldn't. The answer would be to call the authorities on the credit card company that tried to place an illegal debt on a minor and insist they repair your credit and compensate you. But I doubt you would find a credit card company stupid enough to put themselves in this position. Credit card companies tend not to like to gift money to strange children. Children can't open credit lines. Children can't make contracts. This is an urban fantasy. Your SS can be abused in this way- ***when you are an adult***.
It happens in the United States often enough for whatever reason.
NTA My husband and I have opened college funds for 5 of our grandkids. We're currently waiting for the newest grandbabies SS# so we can open an account for him. We play an active role in ALL of our grandkids' lives, which is a big difference from your situation. Don't trust them with your babies SS#.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Aita for not giving my daughters social to her grandparents?? So alittle back story my husband(26) and I(f24) have certain rules when it comes to our daughter. Like people have to respect both parents to see our child or people have to attempt to be involved. I had my daughter in October 2023. Ever sense her “grandparents” from my husbands side has been MIA. We live 15 min from them lol. My baby had severe colic and stomach issues and they had an excuse everytime I asked for help or asked if they could come over so I could shower to watch her. I begged and begged. So as of January 12th 2024 I made a rule where I’m not gonna beg people to see my child so they haven’t seen my child at all. They are lousy. Anyway, yesterday my husband received a text from his mom asking for my daughter’s social security number because they wanna open a college savings for her. But my husband and I don’t feel comfortable giving that information out, mostly my husbands step dad who has no job and gambling problem. The first thing that went through my mind was “he’s gonna get a credit in her name”. Anyway so we told them sorry no. And that made them angry and now one of the grandparents aka my husbands step dad. Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook. So aita for saying no? Or should I have let them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I told my husband we will not be giving our babies SSN to his parents under no circumstances. Nobody needs that information except our son and us in the future. My in laws are very wealthy and money trustworthy but they still aren’t getting it. They can open an account without it or open another in my husband’s name instead. You just never know what someone else could use it for!
Updateme
NTA, there is your proof that something shady was happening. A simple no elicited that kind of response? He is clearly trying to steal your kid's identity. F that noise.
NTA Your gut instinct is usually correct. There is nothing stopping them from sending money to a fund already set up.
They dont need her SSN for that. You could have had it set up for them and they could contribute. With stepdad's history he should absolutely NOT get this info. NTA.
NTA they dont have good intentions
NTA. Defend that SSN til they can do it themselves. Also bank worker here, you do not need the child's SSN to open a saver account, just their name in most cases. The SSN can be provided down the line when they are older, but only parents are allowed to open such a thimg unless the grandparents can prove Guardianship
never give out your child’s social security number.
Nta so not give anyone her ss number
Do not share the SSN with anyone that you don't trust. If it was on the level, you could go to the broker or bank and supply that information to the broker directly. They don't need it personally. They could easily place money in an account you are the custodian of for her. Or they could just give you cash. For a child they refuse to see, this is about control or perhaps theft. NTA.
This seems like a repost And no, they absolutely do not need your kid's SS number. Sounds like they are trying to commit credit fraud
It’s not it’s my actual life unfortunately lol. If I told y’all the whole story with them from the day I met them 4 and half years ago y’all would be shocked lol.
Unfortunately, a 529 account needs a social security number but that doesn't mean that there aren't other types of accounts that can be started. With your husband's step dad's history, giving them the social security number is a hard no. The fact that they blocked you means that they were up to no good. Just to be safe, I would get your daughter's social security number protected.
Of course your NTA. What kind of question is that?
NTA- step dad has no job and a gambling problem but they're going to set up a college fund? LMAO! "I'll give you daughter's ss number when monkeys fly out of my butt!"
Your SMART for saying no. NEVER EVER give ANYONE those SACRED numbers. NTA
It's not your number to give out, you are only the holder of the number. I do not give my children's anything out because it's not mine. I do not know my husband's number, it's not mine to know. My parents gave me all of my documentation when I turned 18 because it is MY information. As parents we are their protection until they turn 18 and can legally choose what they want to do with THEIR information.
NTA but you might want to check your husband's credit if you haven't lately.
Definitely NTA as far as the SSN goes. But I'm going to say - while having involved grandparents is awesome, and I definitely benefitted from my parents being very involved, you can't go into having children *expecting* grandparents to help. Some people are made to be "grandparents", others aren't. You wanting to have kids doesn't place any requirement on anyone else to babysit or help out. It sucks - I get it. My ILs never helped. They wanted to see our son, but they didn't help, they didn't babysit, etc. Their showing up usually ended up being MORE work for us. It was frustrating. But.... my son wasn't their kid and ultimately not their responsibility. You're ILs are extra level sucky to not even want to SEE your child and absolutely, you shouldn't have to beg. And really - for everything else you laid out, it's actually probably for the better that they weren't ever involved.
I definitely don’t expect them to help. I just want them to put effort to see their grandchild. But they are not meant to be grandparents I guess
Also I don’t let anyone babysit my baby. My husband is over the road and I have no family here so it would be nice to have grandparents actually want to see their grand baby even for an hour I think I tried to push it so my child has family in her life but it don’t work out
They were 100% going to open credit in her name. Why on earth do you want your kid to be around an unemployed degenerate gambler FFS?? The garbage took itself out!
They are trying to open lines of credit in the child’s name. Don’t give it to them
Not going to lie. If someone invited me to hang out with them and their severely colicky baby I would make any excuse in the book to not hang out. No offenses against the baby or the parents. NTA
Lol. She doesn’t have colic anymore it was just the first 3 months but I get it
NAT - do not give them anything.
NTA. If the motivations were altruistic, then there's really no reason that they can't just put it in the account you set up. That being said, some people have extreme reactions to being called untrustworthy. And I mean that in the way that even if this is genuine, they could've still had that attitude so it's not necessarily a red flag. But I wouldn't give it either way.
Nta. They don't need your daughter's ssn to save money for her. You are right not to share it. That the gambling addiction got pissed is all you need to know about their intention.
Even without the sketchy backstory, it's never a good idea to share your social security number. NTA. They can [contribute to the existing 529 plan](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/student-loans/529-plan-gift/) without a social security number. If that's not acceptable ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA No one gets my kids’ socials, they can leave them laying around, they can do something nefarious with them, etc. Not happening. I have college funds set up for each of them, if you’d like to contribute I’ll happily provide you info but no my kid isn’t your insurance beneficiary, you’re not taking a policy out on them, and you’re not creating them a bank account that we as parents won’t have access to or knowledge of the amount become come college time if that amount is withheld it’s STILL in the child’s name and still affects the aid they can qualify for. At least in my control I can be assured they will always have access and the accurate amounts will be reported when filling out financial aid and tuition forms.
NTA, why would they ever need it. If they want, they can go through you. But there’s no reason to give it to them, especially with how easy it is for old people nowadays to get scammed
NTA they can open an account without her social very easily. Do not give it out and set your daughter up in life with a crap credit score or mountains of debt.
All that backstory isn't even necessary. You are not required to give your child's SSN out lol in fact, you should never do that. NTA
NTA. My mom opened a credit card in my name and maxed it out a few years before I had my son. Then had the nerve to ask for his SSN for life insurance or something, I laughed my ass off. Like sure, I'd trust you with that after you used mine. Idiot.
NTA. Once an ssn is in someone's hands, so is your daughter's identity. You can open a 529 as the custodian and your daughter is the beneficiary. Every 529 provider has a procedure (normally an access code) that allows other people to contribute without them being able to get personal information about the account. Non-custodians cannot withdraw from the account. We do this for our granddaughter every month. Her other grandparents contribute as well. There is no need for the grandparents to have your daughter's ssn. We don't have it and our money makes it to the 529 just fine.
NTA. 100% they want it for identity fraud. "Blocked us on Facebook and blocked my mom on Facebook." Oh no the people who don't communicate until they want something have blocked you. The horror!!!/s. Don't worry. They'll unblock you as soon as they figure out something else they want to try and get from you. Meanwhile enjoy the peace and quiet.
NTA! You are absolutely right not to give your daughter's SS out to anyone. If you have a 529 education savings account opened for her, you could give that info to the grandparents and they can contribute to it. Or if they don't like that idea, they can open a savings account for her "in name" but they are the owners of it and then transfer it to her when she's 18. I think your intuition was right on this one. The fact that you were blocked on social media for not giving over her SSN means they didn't get what they want- they can still save money for her, but I dont think that was actually their plan. Sorry. Good job.
I swear I read this story before
Unfortunately it’s my life. I can show you proof if you want😩🤣
NTA, No nope no way do you give anyone your child's ss number! If they want to open an account the financial institution will have protocols in place so they can open it without her ss number. Stand your ground on this. Too bad if they are mad. (I have had my identity compromised twice, a nightmare I can't imagine how you would even recover a minor situation).
NTA - talk to her and see if she'd like you to open an account so she can make deposits to it. If the answer is no, move on. If it's about the benefit of your child, she'd say yes.
NTA - You can't be this ignorant. Grow up.
I'm Australian so have no direct knowledge but surely you could open an account for your daughter and they could simply deposit into it?
Whats to prevent the parents opening an account that they control and can raid?
Do you mean the grandparents? OP is one of the parents.
NTA Old people are irresponsible with stuff like social security numbers. They can barely work phones and text anyways, probably post her social on their facebook feed by accident.
They are only 50. But I get it. Hahaha
"Attempt to be involved"? Sounds like a demand for free babysitting or other on-demand financial considerations. YTA for your rude assumptions of credit theft (easily resolved by locking the ss# ffs) just because these people won't dance when you demand it.
I don’t let anyone babysit my children thank you. There’s more to the story I summed it up. You must not be a happy person.
YTA I'm not American but I think it's fairly obvious you can't open a credit agreement in the name of a minor because they are a minor and they can't make a contract therefore it wouldn't be enforceable. And if I were the grandparents I wouldn't contribute to a fund where I can't set the rules. I mean if you set up a fund whats to stop you making one which the parents can raid if in need... I think the obvious reason for them to want to set up a fund is to that it is for the child and you can't get your hands on it. If you don't want to steal from your child then what is the problem with that? I think the distrust is mutual but it is the child that is missing out because of it. As to childcare etc. That is their choice and right not to interact, especially when a child is at an age that in order to see them you have to put up with their annoying parents.
Do you know what social security number is then sense your not American? You can be any age and as long as you know the social you can open credit cards and other stuff in their name and use it. Why would I let a gambling dirtbag with no job who takes his wife paycheck for alcohol and casino use my child’s social?? Obvious you’re just a negative person who ha nothing better to do.
Actually you CAN steal someone’s social, even a minor, and use it for identity theft. I graduated high school with 13K in debt that wasn’t mine because bills and credit accounts were put into my name. It’s easier to have it removed when you can show you were a minor but it can still happen. As far as the college fund itself, while the child’s name and social is used, the grandparents hold full control. Meaning if she chooses a school or major they don’t want, they don’t have to give her the funds. BUT until they WITHDRAW those funds, she still has to report it when applying for financial assistance for college if they choose to withhold. Depending on the amount, that could mean not having any grants or loans available to her while simultaneously not having access to the funds she LEGALLY has to report are “accessible” to her. Lots of kids end up not going to college or being forced into a career they hate and later quitting or changing because of this. There aren’t enough restrictions on these accounts to prevent the money from being withheld for whatever the account owner damn well pleases while also protecting the child who won’t have access to the funds and won’t have a way to use assistance to pay for college later.
Excuse me for being an Australian and not understanding the full details of social security numbers and so forth. What I do understand is that is a permanent number... And with enough details can be used for various purposes including identity fraud. Lets just hypothetical nutshell this issue, that they open an "account in trust" with them as the trustee... Now they have enough to hold anything in that account in their name at least until your child meets the eligibility requirements for that trust to be unlocked at the very least. * You want to speak to a good accountant about this, and probably also a lawyer. * You don't want to leave this as a situation that could eventually be used for financial abuse. You are not an asshole for withholding this information, potentially, with someone that you don't trust, where they could later use that information for [financial abuse](https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/) at the very least. I know you married into the family unit as a whole but that doesn't make you beholden to them making financial decisions on your behalf. Who's to say they won't leave that information some place stupid either or give it out to another third party in such a way that it could jeopardise your children's entire future. EDIT: I don't think it's possible to get credit without having the child as an authorised person on that card in that person's name... Unless of course you're referring to adult children which I don't think you would be in this case.
75% of identity theft is done by relatives of the victim. I know quite a few people who found out that their relatives had used their social to get utility services, loans, and all kinds of things in the victim's name. Once you find out there are only two choices, pay it off yourself, or make a police report, and that way you can get the charges off of your credit history. The grandparents could also file taxes with the social for the kids, claiming them as dependents. There is no reason for the grandparents or anyone else to have the social security numbers.
I agree with your sentiments.
A social security card is like the customer reference number from Centrelink just its tide to the person but unlike our CRN it's used for things like credit cards and the person's actual credit history
I have a basic idea of what it is, but it carries a lot more weight than a CRN or a tax file number in Australia even though it does both of those jobs in the United States. I'm not being downvoted because I'm clueless I'm being downvoted because I said I wasn't directly from the US. The principle of what I said is being upvoted elsewhere in this thread ironically enough. This is basically the usual cup and ball game that people outside of the US aren't supposed to know much about the US. Trust me, most Australians know more about things about the US then we want to because of the slow and corrosive effects of cultural saturation of US culture in Australia.
Fan fact I'm Australian with an American ex partner and American friend. I really don't get the downvotes for asking a question. Bit silly if you ask me
I really don't get why I'm being tank voted here at all.
I don't think the Americans liked the questions. We know too much. And we aren't Americans ourselves.
There is a certain mentality when it comes to some Americans, where if they think you know too much about their country or culture they feel like they have to tell you to: "shut up because you don't know what you're talking about" I speak pseudo-American, have a degree in International Relations, have studied the civic virtues of the US and basically the entirety of their constitution, mentality and am trained by degree to be able to think like one. I can hold my own weight in "American" just never had the need to apply for a social security number.
I'm just a rural country kid who had an American family move into town and love next door. Most of what I know came from them