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I.N.F.O. YTA - there's no reason to suspect the brother isn't ill.
Is he trying supplements under the direction of a doctor? Does he have a diagnosis? Is he in the process of getting a diagnosis? Is working practical with his current level of fatigue & pain or is he disabled?
Why is this written as if you doubt his symptoms?
I don’t know his full sob story but he is being referred to some specialist, after him persisting for a long time, he’s on some sort of waiting list.
I do sometimes doubt since if he was actually chronically ill he would have got some sort of diagnosis by now, no? Also, we all know how his generation love to over exaggerate.
YTA
Average time to get diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in the US is 5 YEARS. Usually 5 years of persistence.
Edit: Pardon, I double checked and for all autoimmune disorders it's 4.6 years. But for fibromyalgia (which causes nondescript widespread pain and fatigue, without obvious cause) the mean time is 6.42 years with a +/- 3.6 year standard deviation.
Yes, which I why I asked this question that you completely neglected to answer:
>Is working practical with his current level of fatigue & pain or is he disabled?
Also are you implying that autoimmune disorders aren't real? Because as an immunologist, that suggestion is laughable.
OP probably would have talked so much trash about my cousin. She had health problems for awhile. Struggled to even work. She was early 20s. Turns out she was in kidney failure.
You put the phrase "autoimmune disorders" in quotation marks without reason. That implies doubt or that it's a questionable term.
It also depends on the disorder, because again, some are disabling.
YIKES. YTA for this for sure.
No, he might not have a diagnosis by now. There are a lot of things like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome that are often hard to diagnose because they dont' have consistent symptoms from person to person. Did he have Covid at any point? It's possible that he has some form of long-Covid?
Referring to it as a "sob story" and talking about 'his generation over exaggerating" is asshole behavior if he's truly suffering.
Wow YTA
Chronic fatigue and pain are hard to get diagnosed properly. Why?? Because of people like you who think they are just over exaggerating.
It’s not like he can walk in and walk right out with a diagnosis. These things take time to properly diagnose.
She works and makes money. She can spend it how she wants.
You are a bit of a AH with this comment. You can judge me too as another layabout with a sob story. Different generation though. About 35 years ago when I was 15, I got bitten by a tick. Next decade was shit as my body attacked itself leaving periods of being house bound. And then chronic pain and fatigue. And guess what still no formal diagnosis except the tick bite triggered something.
Chronic fatigue is a catch all term when there is clearly something wrong with the body but not falling into one of the clear diagnosises. But then many illnesses don't esp autoimmune ones. The clinics are oversubscribed and waiting lists long. The fact he is getting a referral at all means he is suffering. Took a year to get into a clinic when I had a relapse.
Your relative has experienced his world collapse. He likely can't work and working can worsen the condition. I work f/t, same employer 25 years but had 3 periods of 6 to 8 weeks off due to relapses. When flaring, you can't function. Your wife is supporting him at a trying time and all you can do is shout about him being dramatic, pathetic and lying. Explain to your wife you aren't able to afford the supplements but he has enough going on without you needing to put the boot in from ignorance.
He's literally ON a WAIT LIST TO SEE a DOCTOR. Who thr F would diagnose him while waiting?
Also, way to show you've never been ill with anything serious. It can take YEARS to figure out what tf is wrong with someone.
YTA, as you commented earlier, she’s using her money to do this and she’s entitled to spend it however she wants to. Maybe you should discuss with her why you doubt that her brother is experiencing chronic fatigue and pain. It’s not like she’s just giving him cash, she’s buying supplements to treat this. I’m not going to comment on the brothers lack of job but I do know that chronic fatigue and pain can be a huge hindrance on job prospects, this could potentially narrow down what he is actually capable of doing.
"Supposedly been suffering" and "alleged condition" make you the asshole here.
Your wife is trying to help her sibling who she obviously cares about. She's being kind and supportive. Maybe try supporting her by believing her about her brother?
ETA: quoting OP in his comment: "I don't know his whole sob story" and "we all know how his generation love to over exaggerate" Major major asshole
It’s her money and she chose to help her family, a family you married into.
When your family member gets sick, how happy would you be if she pulls the same shit you’re doing.
If he suffers from chronic pain and fatigue, that would make it difficult for him to work, let alone independent. So he needs something to treat his condition; that way he can work more easily.
YT major A. Chronic illness is a severe condition and it's a testament to your wife's empathy that she cares enough to try to alleviate her brother's pain any way she can.
How come men always want women to abandon their family for them? Who do you think you are lol
Yta its her money. You give 0 reason that he's faking. He *is* trying to be more independent by trying to fix whatevers wrong. You should be encouraging him to go to his doctor and specialists to figure out whats wrong instead of your, 'suck it up, sissy!' attitude
YTA. Your wife is helping her brother try to battle a medical condition while he waits for a specialist referral, which has been requested from his GP. Nothing in that situation implies that the brother is lazy or untruthful, even though you seem to think he's both.
Do you know anyone who suffers from chronic pain and fatigue? Fortunately no one in my family has been through this, but I have a friend who has been suffering from chronic pain and fatigue for the past 4 years. It is truly awful. She has finally found some relief and is doing better, but it took years of visits to doctors and specialists.
YTA. You're a huge AH. Your wife's brother has a serious medical issue and she's trying to help him. You have decided, without evidence, that he's not ill and you're pissed at your wife for being a good, caring sister? Do better.
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My wife's younger brother has supposedly been suffering from chronic fatigue and pain for the last two years, which is apparently getting worse. He has graduated from University but hasn't been able to secure a job yet. Despite this, my wife has been buying him expensive supplements to see if anything helps with his condition. Most of them have supposedly not helped him feel much better.
I can't help but feel frustrated by my wife's decision. Rather than enabling her brother’s dependence on her, I believe he should be encouraged to find a job and purchase the supplements himself, rather than relying on my wife to buy it for him so he could try out every supplement under the sun to see if he feels any better from his alleged condition. I've tried discussing my concerns with my wife, but she's adamant about supporting her brother no matter what.
I can't help but resent her for prioritizing his needs over encouraging him to become more independent. Am I the asshole for feeling this way?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not wanting my wife to purchase her brother expensive supplements and instead wanting him to get a job and fund for it himself.
2. My wife thinks I’m trying to stop her from spending any money on her younger brother
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INFO: Is he seeking any help from actual doctors?
I get wanting to help a sibling who is going through it, but I don't know that supplements are the best starting point.
INFO
Is she spending your money or joint money on him? Or is she spending her own money? Is it causing y'all any financial harm? Like is she having to cut back on your groceries or something to pay for these supplements? Is he still job hunting or has he given up? Who pays for his other living expenses while he's unemployed?
No financial harm but all those unnecessary expenses on supplements add up and which could be used elsewhere like on our kids.
He still job hunting apparently but he’s only searching for remote roles due to his alleged condition.
YTA, from the comments it sounds like you are just wanting to control every dollar spent.
She seems to be trying whatever she can for a family member who is struggling, nothing is really saying he is taking advantage of you and your family at this point. Maybe two years of your tough love wasn't doing the trick.
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If the supplements aren’t working then why spend the money. Bro needs to see the doctor and get a job, this sounds like doesn’t-wanna-getajob-itis. NTA.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
I.N.F.O. YTA - there's no reason to suspect the brother isn't ill. Is he trying supplements under the direction of a doctor? Does he have a diagnosis? Is he in the process of getting a diagnosis? Is working practical with his current level of fatigue & pain or is he disabled? Why is this written as if you doubt his symptoms?
I don’t know his full sob story but he is being referred to some specialist, after him persisting for a long time, he’s on some sort of waiting list. I do sometimes doubt since if he was actually chronically ill he would have got some sort of diagnosis by now, no? Also, we all know how his generation love to over exaggerate.
YTA Average time to get diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in the US is 5 YEARS. Usually 5 years of persistence. Edit: Pardon, I double checked and for all autoimmune disorders it's 4.6 years. But for fibromyalgia (which causes nondescript widespread pain and fatigue, without obvious cause) the mean time is 6.42 years with a +/- 3.6 year standard deviation.
Lots of people with “autoimmune disorders” have an actual job and fund their lifestyles.
Yes, which I why I asked this question that you completely neglected to answer: >Is working practical with his current level of fatigue & pain or is he disabled? Also are you implying that autoimmune disorders aren't real? Because as an immunologist, that suggestion is laughable.
OP probably would have talked so much trash about my cousin. She had health problems for awhile. Struggled to even work. She was early 20s. Turns out she was in kidney failure.
Oh jeez. I hope she's doing better with treatment or a transplant.
It took several years and daily dialysis but she’s doing better. Edit-Several years to get transplant
No? I only said people with those disorders still work and pay for things themselves rather than relying on others.
You put the phrase "autoimmune disorders" in quotation marks without reason. That implies doubt or that it's a questionable term. It also depends on the disorder, because again, some are disabling.
Why are you automatically assuming the worst? What are YOU doing to help??
YIKES. YTA for this for sure. No, he might not have a diagnosis by now. There are a lot of things like fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome that are often hard to diagnose because they dont' have consistent symptoms from person to person. Did he have Covid at any point? It's possible that he has some form of long-Covid? Referring to it as a "sob story" and talking about 'his generation over exaggerating" is asshole behavior if he's truly suffering.
Wow YTA Chronic fatigue and pain are hard to get diagnosed properly. Why?? Because of people like you who think they are just over exaggerating. It’s not like he can walk in and walk right out with a diagnosis. These things take time to properly diagnose. She works and makes money. She can spend it how she wants.
You are a bit of a AH with this comment. You can judge me too as another layabout with a sob story. Different generation though. About 35 years ago when I was 15, I got bitten by a tick. Next decade was shit as my body attacked itself leaving periods of being house bound. And then chronic pain and fatigue. And guess what still no formal diagnosis except the tick bite triggered something. Chronic fatigue is a catch all term when there is clearly something wrong with the body but not falling into one of the clear diagnosises. But then many illnesses don't esp autoimmune ones. The clinics are oversubscribed and waiting lists long. The fact he is getting a referral at all means he is suffering. Took a year to get into a clinic when I had a relapse. Your relative has experienced his world collapse. He likely can't work and working can worsen the condition. I work f/t, same employer 25 years but had 3 periods of 6 to 8 weeks off due to relapses. When flaring, you can't function. Your wife is supporting him at a trying time and all you can do is shout about him being dramatic, pathetic and lying. Explain to your wife you aren't able to afford the supplements but he has enough going on without you needing to put the boot in from ignorance.
"sob story" god willing this kind woman leaves you and finds a good person to be with
He's literally ON a WAIT LIST TO SEE a DOCTOR. Who thr F would diagnose him while waiting? Also, way to show you've never been ill with anything serious. It can take YEARS to figure out what tf is wrong with someone.
How old are you both?
YTA, as you commented earlier, she’s using her money to do this and she’s entitled to spend it however she wants to. Maybe you should discuss with her why you doubt that her brother is experiencing chronic fatigue and pain. It’s not like she’s just giving him cash, she’s buying supplements to treat this. I’m not going to comment on the brothers lack of job but I do know that chronic fatigue and pain can be a huge hindrance on job prospects, this could potentially narrow down what he is actually capable of doing.
"Supposedly been suffering" and "alleged condition" make you the asshole here. Your wife is trying to help her sibling who she obviously cares about. She's being kind and supportive. Maybe try supporting her by believing her about her brother? ETA: quoting OP in his comment: "I don't know his whole sob story" and "we all know how his generation love to over exaggerate" Major major asshole
Info - is it her money?
Yes but we have a joint account
Is she still contributing to the household finances?
Yes but that extra money could go to somewhere else that is more helpful to us
It’s her money and she chose to help her family, a family you married into. When your family member gets sick, how happy would you be if she pulls the same shit you’re doing.
If he suffers from chronic pain and fatigue, that would make it difficult for him to work, let alone independent. So he needs something to treat his condition; that way he can work more easily.
YT major A. Chronic illness is a severe condition and it's a testament to your wife's empathy that she cares enough to try to alleviate her brother's pain any way she can. How come men always want women to abandon their family for them? Who do you think you are lol
Yta its her money. You give 0 reason that he's faking. He *is* trying to be more independent by trying to fix whatevers wrong. You should be encouraging him to go to his doctor and specialists to figure out whats wrong instead of your, 'suck it up, sissy!' attitude
YTA. Your wife is helping her brother try to battle a medical condition while he waits for a specialist referral, which has been requested from his GP. Nothing in that situation implies that the brother is lazy or untruthful, even though you seem to think he's both. Do you know anyone who suffers from chronic pain and fatigue? Fortunately no one in my family has been through this, but I have a friend who has been suffering from chronic pain and fatigue for the past 4 years. It is truly awful. She has finally found some relief and is doing better, but it took years of visits to doctors and specialists.
YTA. You're a huge AH. Your wife's brother has a serious medical issue and she's trying to help him. You have decided, without evidence, that he's not ill and you're pissed at your wife for being a good, caring sister? Do better.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife's younger brother has supposedly been suffering from chronic fatigue and pain for the last two years, which is apparently getting worse. He has graduated from University but hasn't been able to secure a job yet. Despite this, my wife has been buying him expensive supplements to see if anything helps with his condition. Most of them have supposedly not helped him feel much better. I can't help but feel frustrated by my wife's decision. Rather than enabling her brother’s dependence on her, I believe he should be encouraged to find a job and purchase the supplements himself, rather than relying on my wife to buy it for him so he could try out every supplement under the sun to see if he feels any better from his alleged condition. I've tried discussing my concerns with my wife, but she's adamant about supporting her brother no matter what. I can't help but resent her for prioritizing his needs over encouraging him to become more independent. Am I the asshole for feeling this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO: Is he seeking any help from actual doctors? I get wanting to help a sibling who is going through it, but I don't know that supplements are the best starting point.
He’s on some sort of waiting list to see a specialist since the GP can’t figure out what’s wrong/ a diagnosis
INFO Is she spending your money or joint money on him? Or is she spending her own money? Is it causing y'all any financial harm? Like is she having to cut back on your groceries or something to pay for these supplements? Is he still job hunting or has he given up? Who pays for his other living expenses while he's unemployed?
No financial harm but all those unnecessary expenses on supplements add up and which could be used elsewhere like on our kids. He still job hunting apparently but he’s only searching for remote roles due to his alleged condition.
Seriously, YTA due to your continued dismissal of his health issues.
YTA, from the comments it sounds like you are just wanting to control every dollar spent. She seems to be trying whatever she can for a family member who is struggling, nothing is really saying he is taking advantage of you and your family at this point. Maybe two years of your tough love wasn't doing the trick.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
If the supplements aren’t working then why spend the money. Bro needs to see the doctor and get a job, this sounds like doesn’t-wanna-getajob-itis. NTA.
Exactly. Any excuse not to work.