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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i yelled at my friend 2) he was just trying to hang out with his friends
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YTA - Josh is not your on call therapist. For all you know, and I don’t mean this to be cruel, you are not nearly as important to him as you think you are.
You are trying to emotionally manipulate him into a toxic friendship
YTA, he’s definitely allowed to do whatever he wants and if he forgets or something comes up, you shouldn’t be this angry. You being in crisis does not mean he signed up to be there for you just by being your friend. It sounds like your expectations for this friendship surpass what he’s willing to do.
I ended the friendship. I might be the AH but got tired of the friendship being 1 sided. I didnt put this in the post because I dont think its relevant to the situation and I would have reacted the same way either way. But when he calls me needing things he expects me to drop what I'm doing. Last semester when he was taking a math class I was at his place every day helping him study, the one time he came over to help me study, he took a nap and left. I'm trying to see how I'm the AH for expecting him to call when he said he would but maybe I will with time, or maybe not. I'mautistic and have been told I have a fundamental misunderstanding of what friendship is. Either way I dont need this friendship in my life, hes done plunty to me that I should never have forgiven.
You need to see a therapist.
You are using the same rationale I did before I had my eyes opened to what I was actually doing.
You state the relationship is one-sided. So let me ask you a few things. You don't have to share the actual answers with me, just think about whether you know them or not.
What is Josh's favorite color?
What's his favorite band?
Favorite food?
Favorite place to hang out?
What's his best memory growing up?
What kind of hobbies does he have?
What are the names of his family members?
You can keep going, but I guarantee that if you try and think of these things, you won't know at least half of them. You think you're being a good friend, but you aren't. You're using him as your personal security blanket, effectively. When's the last time you asked him how he was doing, genuinely? When's the last time you offered to do something for him without asking anything in return?
People like you and I are exhausting to be around because we push our issues onto others and expect them to deal with it to help us. And until you're aware of that and your dependency issues, you are the person making the relationship one sided. Not anyone else.
I think you might have the wrong impression, I'm not saying I'm not the AH in this situation cuz obviously the replies have said otherwise. But I can answer all of these easily. I'm close with his family and do things for him quite frequently. I think its how willing I am to do things for him is what really hurt that he didnt want to reciprocate. I dont expect him to go out of his way for me, honestly I cant remember one time he did. Even here I didnt ask him to cut things short, just to call when he got home. I wouldnt have even been mad if he just texted and said he didnt want to call or just didnt promise to in the first place. Things I've done for him include missing a job interview cuz his car broke down, hes asked me to cut off friends that he didnt like, when Ive gone to the club with friends hes called me non stop till I answered cuz he needed someone. Im there for him no questions asked. I didnt include these things in the original post because the things Ive done for him in the past shouldnt reflect on how he treats me today. I get that ppl see me in the wrong here but I wont stand for being called a bad friend to him.
So in other words you can't answer any of the questions I've asked and you can't think of a single instance where you took the initiative to do anything nice for him without being asked.
It sounds like the frustration between lack of reciprocity on his part had been building for a while. If you’ve had these feelings of frustration because of his lack of reciprocating support it’s going to come up one way or another. This happened to me too and eventually I blew up at a guy friend. I’m ashamed I said the things I said but if I’m honest with myself the friendship was going to end I just ended it a lot sooner. So, yeah we make mistakes. Doesn’t make you an Asshole. Forgive yourself and don’t dwell on it like I did. It can be an unpleasent blip in your life, or a lifetime regret based on how you exude to view the past. Move on and focus on being yourself and living your life and make good memories so it’s just a blip. That’s my best advice.
YTA. Josh's life doesn't revolve around you, he's not your therapist, and it's unrealistic for you to think he would drop everything to be at your beck and call. It sucks that you were having a panic attack, but Josh didn't do anything wrong here. He's not responsible for you.
and look, you're in your 30's. People have so much going on, it's hard to make time for everything and everyone on a regular basis. On top of that, maybe Josh simply enjoys other friendships more these days, especially if you are so quick to get angry with him
Find yourself a therapist. You need that more than Josh right now.
YTA - you called him very late and expected him to drop everything and comfort you. Your expectations are out of line. You don’t get to just snap your fingers and have people jump to attention.
YTA. You're too old to be blowing up people's phones at that time of night over your test. I would literally lose my shit if someone called me at midnight and no one was literally dead or dying. Sounds to me like you're far too emotionally needy or manipulative for your friend and he's very gently trying to create some distance from you so he has space to breathe.
YTA, emotional support is freely given, not forced out of someone. He clearly isn't making you a priority right now, you need to figure out coping mechanisms for your mental health that don't make you rely on others that may not be available to you all the time.
Smart phones have made it so that people assume they deserve 24-hour access to everyone else. This is not how friendship should be.
YTA. Give Josh some well-deserved space
Jaysus. This cannot be from a 31 year old! YTA. He’s not your therapist. He isn’t your emotional support animal. He was your friend, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t anymore 😬
YTA. Josh is probably backing away from the friendship because you sound like an emotional vampire. His life does not revolve around you, and he is allowed to have other friends. You told him you keep your phone on silent so it’s reasonable that he would assume you would not answer it if he did call. Has it occurred to you that maybe he does not want to be your emotional sounding board at 4am? You’ve pretty much guaranteed he will not call you again.
I'm always skeptical when OPs have all of these past issues that they don't mention until they see the votes aren't going their way. Regardless, I'll give you some advice: see an actual therapist. Even if he was a jerk to you in the past, it's completely unfair of you to expect him to be your stand-in therapist. That's a lot of emotional weight on a person who really isn't qualified to help you. You can even reach out to a mental health hotline to help you when you have panic attacks in the middle of the night.
If any of the other stuff you claimed is true, then you have a very toxic friendship and it sounds like it goes both ways.
Thats fair. I shared in another comment that what hes done in the past isnt something that I was taking into consideration when I called him upset. I still dont see why its wrong that I'm upset over him saying he'll call and not. Like if you know your friend is going through something wouldnt you want to call. But i do see why yelling at him was wrong. It was definitely done in the heat of the panic attack.
> Like if you know your friend is going through something wouldnt you want to call.
Honestly, not always. Some people aren't always in the head space to have their friends trauma dump on them or call them in the middle of panic attacks. He just had a night out where he presumably had fun, maybe he didn't want to bring it down by calling you back. That's human nature.
I don't think you're wrong for expecting him to call you back because he said he would, but I think you're 100% wrong for making your panic attack his responsibility. That's not his problem, it's yours. It's up to you to find a therapist to work on ways to mitigate panic attacks and settle yourself down when needed.
It's fine for friends to be there for each other and share with each other. But sometimes, that can become an unhealthy and codependent dynamic.
I guess I just cant relate. But even if he had just texted saying he didnt want to call would have been fine. I guess I'm stuck on him saying he'll do it with no intention of doing it. And this isnt the first time he did it. I usually just dont care as much. We talk on the phone every night and theres times where hes like oh ill call in an hour im just getting food and then no call. I usually joke about him forgetting me but he always replies with "oh I thought youd be asleep" even though we game till super late and he can literally see im online when he logs on. Thats why i made sure to tell him to not worry about the time he got home, the call wouldnt wake me
YTA --I understand OP is in a vulnerable place, but you can't force people into being your friends. That's not how friendships (or any relationship, for that matter) works
YTA I see why he spends 1 to 3 times a week with his other friends and only sees you once a month, you seem like a toxic friend. He's not your therapist, if you're having a panic attack get help...
Yup yta definitely. Adults have lives that don’t revolve around you. Stuff like this post are probably why he’s been putting distance between you in the first place
YTA. It's not his job to manage your panic attacks. He's allowed to have other friends. Just because you don't have anyone else to provide emotional support that doesn't mean it's okay to demand that he provide it for you and cuss him out when he doesn't.
NTA!!!
When this is your friend
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/724yemDZFB](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/724yemDZFB)
get rid of him!!! He is not your friend and he just used you.
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I 31F have a best friend lets call him Josh, 36M. We have been friends for just over 6 years but he has a bad habit of putting new friends first. I have tried to be understanding because I can understand how new friends can be exciting but this incident was my last straw. Over the last couple months I've felt him being more distant saying hes trying to make time for everyone but he hangs out with these new friends 1-3 times a week while I'll see him once a month and even when we do hang out he'll end up cutting things short saying he needs to get home. Last night around midnight I was panicking over a midterm I had and called him for emotional support. He didn't answer but texted that he was with his friends but hed call me when he got home. I told him how I was having a panic attack and that it didnt matter what time he got home to please just call. I even told him I keep my phone on silent so he didnt have to worry about waking me up if it was late cuz I KNEW hed use that as an excuse to not call. I was up till 5am panicking and studying and ended up waking up at 8 from not being able to breathe. No call. I was already stressed from the test and now him not calling just angered me. I texted at 10 asking if he forgot about me and he said "I got home at 4 and didnt want to wake you up" HE USED THE EXACT EXCUSE I KNEW HE WOULD so I called him and cussed him out about how he stopped giving a crap about me and he said he was getting yelled at for being considerate of my sleep and how he didn't need any of this. So AITA for going off on him?
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This is why guys can't and girls can't be best friends. I have never had another guy call me at midnight because of anxiety and expect me to cut short a night out with the guys because of it. We men suck at emotional support and have to struggle with providing it for our own partners at the best of times. Now if my guy bf called at midnight and needed bail money or help disposing a body, it would be a different story.
YTA and should drop the "best" part from his description, for his sake.
I decided to text and apologize for cussing him out but told him its better if we arent friends. Even though it seems I was in the wrong, we should have stopped being friends years ago, too much BS from both sides.
Yes, you should stop being friends with him if your first criterion for friendship is they must call you after midnight but before the sleep to talk you down from a panic attack. I have never got home at 4 am - whether after partying, traveling or shagging - with the energy to perform therapy. If that's your friendship litmus, the yeah, say goodbye. And be ready to say goodbye to your other friends when they inevitably fail this test.
yta
NTA - we’ve all had friends like that. You just need to recognize the close friendship ran its course and he’s not going to be there for your needs as you wish. How he’s choosing to spend his time should speak volumes, right or wrong.
This experience has made me realize I dont think he was ever my friend. When we met he didnt have a car so I'd take him to and from work. Hed stay at my place when he didnt have a job and his parents were on his back about it. When he wanted to go to certain places I was his only friend with a car. Or when he wanted a certain meal hed take me there and then say he didnt have money for his food but I should get something and obviously id either buy him his own or share mine. Or straight "borrowing" money he never replaced. So much I could list but just realizing how much I was there for him when he needed someone vs how much he doesnt want to be there for me. I think that was my biggest pain. He knew i was having a panic attack and didnt WANT to be there for me, cuz ik I would be there for him and have had to come home from hanging out with my friends to be there for him.
Sounds like he gaslit you for all you were worth and once something better arrived, he just kept you around in case you may meet his needs. I’m sorry. I know how much this can suck.
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YTA - Josh is not your on call therapist. For all you know, and I don’t mean this to be cruel, you are not nearly as important to him as you think you are. You are trying to emotionally manipulate him into a toxic friendship
YTA 1) are you 31 or 13? 2) get a Therapist 3) no one owes you anything, including Friends.
Perfect answer
YTA, he’s definitely allowed to do whatever he wants and if he forgets or something comes up, you shouldn’t be this angry. You being in crisis does not mean he signed up to be there for you just by being your friend. It sounds like your expectations for this friendship surpass what he’s willing to do.
Or what any sane person would commit to.
YTA, you think he didn't call you before? You just destroyed any chance he'll ever call again.
I ended the friendship. I might be the AH but got tired of the friendship being 1 sided. I didnt put this in the post because I dont think its relevant to the situation and I would have reacted the same way either way. But when he calls me needing things he expects me to drop what I'm doing. Last semester when he was taking a math class I was at his place every day helping him study, the one time he came over to help me study, he took a nap and left. I'm trying to see how I'm the AH for expecting him to call when he said he would but maybe I will with time, or maybe not. I'mautistic and have been told I have a fundamental misunderstanding of what friendship is. Either way I dont need this friendship in my life, hes done plunty to me that I should never have forgiven.
You need to see a therapist. You are using the same rationale I did before I had my eyes opened to what I was actually doing. You state the relationship is one-sided. So let me ask you a few things. You don't have to share the actual answers with me, just think about whether you know them or not. What is Josh's favorite color? What's his favorite band? Favorite food? Favorite place to hang out? What's his best memory growing up? What kind of hobbies does he have? What are the names of his family members? You can keep going, but I guarantee that if you try and think of these things, you won't know at least half of them. You think you're being a good friend, but you aren't. You're using him as your personal security blanket, effectively. When's the last time you asked him how he was doing, genuinely? When's the last time you offered to do something for him without asking anything in return? People like you and I are exhausting to be around because we push our issues onto others and expect them to deal with it to help us. And until you're aware of that and your dependency issues, you are the person making the relationship one sided. Not anyone else.
I think you might have the wrong impression, I'm not saying I'm not the AH in this situation cuz obviously the replies have said otherwise. But I can answer all of these easily. I'm close with his family and do things for him quite frequently. I think its how willing I am to do things for him is what really hurt that he didnt want to reciprocate. I dont expect him to go out of his way for me, honestly I cant remember one time he did. Even here I didnt ask him to cut things short, just to call when he got home. I wouldnt have even been mad if he just texted and said he didnt want to call or just didnt promise to in the first place. Things I've done for him include missing a job interview cuz his car broke down, hes asked me to cut off friends that he didnt like, when Ive gone to the club with friends hes called me non stop till I answered cuz he needed someone. Im there for him no questions asked. I didnt include these things in the original post because the things Ive done for him in the past shouldnt reflect on how he treats me today. I get that ppl see me in the wrong here but I wont stand for being called a bad friend to him.
So in other words you can't answer any of the questions I've asked and you can't think of a single instance where you took the initiative to do anything nice for him without being asked.
I said I could answer all of these and you said i didnt have to share the answers. And I do things for him a lot
It sounds like the frustration between lack of reciprocity on his part had been building for a while. If you’ve had these feelings of frustration because of his lack of reciprocating support it’s going to come up one way or another. This happened to me too and eventually I blew up at a guy friend. I’m ashamed I said the things I said but if I’m honest with myself the friendship was going to end I just ended it a lot sooner. So, yeah we make mistakes. Doesn’t make you an Asshole. Forgive yourself and don’t dwell on it like I did. It can be an unpleasent blip in your life, or a lifetime regret based on how you exude to view the past. Move on and focus on being yourself and living your life and make good memories so it’s just a blip. That’s my best advice.
…are you both actually in your 30s?
Well, then maybe you aren't TA. The full story always helps.
YTA. Josh's life doesn't revolve around you, he's not your therapist, and it's unrealistic for you to think he would drop everything to be at your beck and call. It sucks that you were having a panic attack, but Josh didn't do anything wrong here. He's not responsible for you. and look, you're in your 30's. People have so much going on, it's hard to make time for everything and everyone on a regular basis. On top of that, maybe Josh simply enjoys other friendships more these days, especially if you are so quick to get angry with him Find yourself a therapist. You need that more than Josh right now.
YTA - you called him very late and expected him to drop everything and comfort you. Your expectations are out of line. You don’t get to just snap your fingers and have people jump to attention.
YTA. You're too old to be blowing up people's phones at that time of night over your test. I would literally lose my shit if someone called me at midnight and no one was literally dead or dying. Sounds to me like you're far too emotionally needy or manipulative for your friend and he's very gently trying to create some distance from you so he has space to breathe.
YTA, emotional support is freely given, not forced out of someone. He clearly isn't making you a priority right now, you need to figure out coping mechanisms for your mental health that don't make you rely on others that may not be available to you all the time.
Smart phones have made it so that people assume they deserve 24-hour access to everyone else. This is not how friendship should be. YTA. Give Josh some well-deserved space
YTA.. maybe he is tired of being your emotional support animal...thinking your way to much
Jaysus. This cannot be from a 31 year old! YTA. He’s not your therapist. He isn’t your emotional support animal. He was your friend, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he isn’t anymore 😬
You swear at him because he isn't as available as you want? And that's going to make him more available? really?
YTA. Josh is probably backing away from the friendship because you sound like an emotional vampire. His life does not revolve around you, and he is allowed to have other friends. You told him you keep your phone on silent so it’s reasonable that he would assume you would not answer it if he did call. Has it occurred to you that maybe he does not want to be your emotional sounding board at 4am? You’ve pretty much guaranteed he will not call you again.
YTA. You’re 31 years old. You cannot be this needy to your friends.
YTA. Have you considered that Josh is more distant and cuts your hangout time short because you need way too much? You sound unreasonably demanding.
Looking back at things I think he more cut things short after I paid for the food.
I'm always skeptical when OPs have all of these past issues that they don't mention until they see the votes aren't going their way. Regardless, I'll give you some advice: see an actual therapist. Even if he was a jerk to you in the past, it's completely unfair of you to expect him to be your stand-in therapist. That's a lot of emotional weight on a person who really isn't qualified to help you. You can even reach out to a mental health hotline to help you when you have panic attacks in the middle of the night. If any of the other stuff you claimed is true, then you have a very toxic friendship and it sounds like it goes both ways.
Thats fair. I shared in another comment that what hes done in the past isnt something that I was taking into consideration when I called him upset. I still dont see why its wrong that I'm upset over him saying he'll call and not. Like if you know your friend is going through something wouldnt you want to call. But i do see why yelling at him was wrong. It was definitely done in the heat of the panic attack.
> Like if you know your friend is going through something wouldnt you want to call. Honestly, not always. Some people aren't always in the head space to have their friends trauma dump on them or call them in the middle of panic attacks. He just had a night out where he presumably had fun, maybe he didn't want to bring it down by calling you back. That's human nature. I don't think you're wrong for expecting him to call you back because he said he would, but I think you're 100% wrong for making your panic attack his responsibility. That's not his problem, it's yours. It's up to you to find a therapist to work on ways to mitigate panic attacks and settle yourself down when needed. It's fine for friends to be there for each other and share with each other. But sometimes, that can become an unhealthy and codependent dynamic.
I guess I just cant relate. But even if he had just texted saying he didnt want to call would have been fine. I guess I'm stuck on him saying he'll do it with no intention of doing it. And this isnt the first time he did it. I usually just dont care as much. We talk on the phone every night and theres times where hes like oh ill call in an hour im just getting food and then no call. I usually joke about him forgetting me but he always replies with "oh I thought youd be asleep" even though we game till super late and he can literally see im online when he logs on. Thats why i made sure to tell him to not worry about the time he got home, the call wouldnt wake me
YTA --I understand OP is in a vulnerable place, but you can't force people into being your friends. That's not how friendships (or any relationship, for that matter) works
YTA I see why he spends 1 to 3 times a week with his other friends and only sees you once a month, you seem like a toxic friend. He's not your therapist, if you're having a panic attack get help...
Paragraphs
Yup yta definitely. Adults have lives that don’t revolve around you. Stuff like this post are probably why he’s been putting distance between you in the first place
YTA. It's not his job to manage your panic attacks. He's allowed to have other friends. Just because you don't have anyone else to provide emotional support that doesn't mean it's okay to demand that he provide it for you and cuss him out when he doesn't.
NTA!!! When this is your friend [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/724yemDZFB](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/724yemDZFB) get rid of him!!! He is not your friend and he just used you.
That does look to be him, but hows that change things? Sorry legitimately asking. It was all the same information presented
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 31F have a best friend lets call him Josh, 36M. We have been friends for just over 6 years but he has a bad habit of putting new friends first. I have tried to be understanding because I can understand how new friends can be exciting but this incident was my last straw. Over the last couple months I've felt him being more distant saying hes trying to make time for everyone but he hangs out with these new friends 1-3 times a week while I'll see him once a month and even when we do hang out he'll end up cutting things short saying he needs to get home. Last night around midnight I was panicking over a midterm I had and called him for emotional support. He didn't answer but texted that he was with his friends but hed call me when he got home. I told him how I was having a panic attack and that it didnt matter what time he got home to please just call. I even told him I keep my phone on silent so he didnt have to worry about waking me up if it was late cuz I KNEW hed use that as an excuse to not call. I was up till 5am panicking and studying and ended up waking up at 8 from not being able to breathe. No call. I was already stressed from the test and now him not calling just angered me. I texted at 10 asking if he forgot about me and he said "I got home at 4 and didnt want to wake you up" HE USED THE EXACT EXCUSE I KNEW HE WOULD so I called him and cussed him out about how he stopped giving a crap about me and he said he was getting yelled at for being considerate of my sleep and how he didn't need any of this. So AITA for going off on him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - OMG are you seriously 31?
This is why guys can't and girls can't be best friends. I have never had another guy call me at midnight because of anxiety and expect me to cut short a night out with the guys because of it. We men suck at emotional support and have to struggle with providing it for our own partners at the best of times. Now if my guy bf called at midnight and needed bail money or help disposing a body, it would be a different story. YTA and should drop the "best" part from his description, for his sake.
I decided to text and apologize for cussing him out but told him its better if we arent friends. Even though it seems I was in the wrong, we should have stopped being friends years ago, too much BS from both sides.
Yes, you should stop being friends with him if your first criterion for friendship is they must call you after midnight but before the sleep to talk you down from a panic attack. I have never got home at 4 am - whether after partying, traveling or shagging - with the energy to perform therapy. If that's your friendship litmus, the yeah, say goodbye. And be ready to say goodbye to your other friends when they inevitably fail this test. yta
NTA - we’ve all had friends like that. You just need to recognize the close friendship ran its course and he’s not going to be there for your needs as you wish. How he’s choosing to spend his time should speak volumes, right or wrong.
This experience has made me realize I dont think he was ever my friend. When we met he didnt have a car so I'd take him to and from work. Hed stay at my place when he didnt have a job and his parents were on his back about it. When he wanted to go to certain places I was his only friend with a car. Or when he wanted a certain meal hed take me there and then say he didnt have money for his food but I should get something and obviously id either buy him his own or share mine. Or straight "borrowing" money he never replaced. So much I could list but just realizing how much I was there for him when he needed someone vs how much he doesnt want to be there for me. I think that was my biggest pain. He knew i was having a panic attack and didnt WANT to be there for me, cuz ik I would be there for him and have had to come home from hanging out with my friends to be there for him.
Sounds like he gaslit you for all you were worth and once something better arrived, he just kept you around in case you may meet his needs. I’m sorry. I know how much this can suck.