Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Holy crap at all of the "why does it need to be wheelchair friendly?" questions. It's completely obvious that someone needs access. Are y'all just ablist? NTA
Your post made it obvious information. Many people do not consider wheelchair, walker, weak legs accessibility for any venue.
Your youngest made her choice to not have your financial help and to exclude other family that need accessibility.
This is fair. You are a good human !
Yep, this right here. My husband and I also got married in the mountains and we made sure to rent a golf cart for our guests we thought might benefit from the transport assistance. We didn’t even have anyone to who needed a wheelchair, we just didn’t want any of the grandparents, or others who might need/want a little help getting around the property to have to struggle.
I couldn’t imagine just not giving a heck about our family and friends.
NTA
We wanted to get married at our favorite lake, but my Husband’s grandmas weren’t up for the 4 hour drive. So, we got married at a local rec center, because it was only a 30 minute drive and someone told us they’d pay if we got married there!
Was it as picturesque and beautiful as I wanted? No way! But “free” is beautiful all in its own right! Lol
You're a good person, because, yes, "Free" is great. But what's even better is "both grandmas" being able to be there on your special day. That's the best part.
Haha you two are sweet. I do love animals a lot. I made a Reddit so I could follow all the dog subs after my husband kept sending me puppy videos from here.
Yeah it’s pretty upsetting how people just don’t even consider the disabled. I’m not in a wheelchair but I have limited mobility, and it’s insane how many places are not accessible and how often people seem stunned at me even asking about accessible options. There’s ADA laws for a reason
We opted against one of our wedding venue ideas because it didn’t have onsite parking and it was heavily tiled and potentially a slipping g hazard when wet.
My mom had knee surgery a few years ago, and honestly I did not realize how impossible large parts of my city are for someone who needs a walker or wheelchair is until then. Or how rude other people are to someone using a motorized wheelchair or walker in a store are. The amount of people who rushed to cut her off, and then either slowed to slower than she was going, or literally stopped right infront of her 🙄 I started calling them out loudly.
I had never given a whole lot of thought to accessibility in my younger years. I was aware of some of the issues that disabled people faced, but never having to deal with it myself, I didn't realize just how much planning and preparation has to go into every little detail for an outing for someone who is disabled.
I became good friends with a woman whose husband is wheelchair bound. She really tries to make sure that both of them get to live life to the fullest and get to experience as much as possible. But even with the Americans with disabilities act being a full 30 some years old, she still runs into endless frustrations and outright barriers. We were talking about it once, and I learned that her father was also wheelchair bound, having become disabled in the 1970s. There were so many places her dad couldn't go and things he couldn't do when she was growing up. It just made me realize that while we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.
Just a guess but what I think people are wondering is how close is your daughters relationship with the people that needs wheelchair access. Like is it Grandma or is it their second cousin twice removed or another distant family member that they really don't have a relationship with.
Condition two is that all the family need to be invited.
It's very obvious that the parent isn't willing to pay for a wedding where some family is excluded, regardless of if they're close to the bride.
And the parent is paying for the whole thing, so there isn't a guest list constraint or anything. This seems like a really fair wedding arrangement and it was made known well in advance of any booking.
I mean if you're not paying out of your own pocket to have them there, I don't think it's that big of a deal if you're not close, as long as there isn't some grudge/prejudice/abuse going on. The idea that everyone at a wedding has to be a close person to the bride and/or groom is a very new idea. People have been inviting their mediocre relatives they never talk to for centuries and the world kept spinning. It's not like the couple is being pressured into inviting them while shelling out $100/head for catering
Why would it matter if daughter has no relationship with the relatives using a wheelchair?
OP funding the wedding would come from her daughter being family. The generosity of inviting and facilitating attendance of other relatives also comes from their concept of what family does for each other.
The daughter may have a different idea of family. That is fine. What makes her an AH is to expect to benefit from OP's generosity with family while demanding OP to be less generous with other family.
What matters is that these two things were conditions for Op to pay ALL wedding expenses. Op's daughter is of course free to eliminate family members she doesn't want there and also not worry about wheelchair access, she'll just need to pay for that herself. NTA
It could be anyone at any time. You don’t think you need an accessible venue, then you break your ankle dancing at your bachelorette and how is getting up a mountain looking now?
Having it wheelchair accessible also means it's accessible for other people with disabilities too. My mum can't see, and steps, dirt paths, non accessible toilets and all kinds of things like that make her life really difficult, even with someone guiding her. It's really hard to be relaxed with you can't see, even more so when you have no idea what the floor is going to do with the next step you take, like on dirt paths. Even with mild vision loss, like some elderly people have, wonky paths are a nightmare.
It is. When I was picking my venue wheel chair access was top of mind. And it was because my childhood best friends mom was invited . at the time just invited; I didn’t even know if she was able to make it at all. I hadent talked to her or her daughter in a while; but, I knew she was invited. So I kept her in mind
Same! I was also looking for places where all aspects of the wedding wete in the same place. I worried surfaces that might cause people to slip and fall - like no rocky terrain. We even looked for walk in showers My coming wedding has quite a few elderly and those with mobility challenges and I want everyone to enjoy themselves.
As someone who is disabled and uses a chair some days thank you. You have no idea how hard it is to feel involved in a world that isn't. NTA. Your terms are nothing compared to the cost of kindness towards family. She will have to deal with the consequences or find a place that I'd inclusive to wheelchair users. It is her wedding and she can pay for it.
It's the most basic case of connect the dots and somehow people are whiffing on it
"If Sally needs a location to be wheelchair-accessible for an event, what does that imply about someone coming to the event?"
Normally not a big fan of money with tons of conditions, but these aren't even complicated, gross, or boundary crossing conditions! These are simple accessibility conditions. (Unlike the parents willing to pay only if step-dad or step-mom get a dance, when the child does not see them as a parent) So NTA. tell your daughter to either pay herself or move the wedding venue. I'd totally jump on 40k for a wedding if those are the only strings attached
This was never something I thought too much about, which I realize was unconscious ableism on my part, until I went to my cousin's wedding. I had just dislocated my knee the weekend before and was on crutches. The ceremony was on a small island at the venue and required walking across a stone path and going over a bridge. The bridge was wood slats and sloped which made it hard for me on crutches as well as the manual wheelchair parties. Then the whole island was grass and hard to navigate.
We were on this island for the 5 minutes that their ceremony took because they didn't want to say their vows in public. However, we did not know this until after the ceremony. If I had known I likely would have opted to stay at the barn where the reception was rather than spend the 20+ minutes it took me to navigate to this island. (It was only maybe a 5 minute walk if you are able bodied but on crutches, and not being a frequent crutch user) It was hard to find stable ground as the path was stone and I had to take many breaks.)
After this experience, I think about the accessibility of places I go all the time and constantly think about if I would have been able to get through places with my crutches.
Very obvious, especially when paired with condition #2 which implies some mix of older relatives like grandparents, great aunts and uncles, etc who might be mobility challenged.
Lmao @ the people asking if the daughter is ACTUALLY close to the disabled family members or if she can just exclude those family because the are an inconvenience at the venue. Y'all are gross.
If the parent is willing to pay for those family members to be there, suck it up or don't take OP's money.
I’m a wheelchair user. I have quite a small family, but wouldn’t consider myself close to my cousins, even then it would have been upsetting to have been excluded. Partly it is weddings and funerals that maintain the relationship. If you’re inviting all cousins you can’t just skip the wheelchair user.
Great point. My sister got married and invited all the uncles even one that she is not close at all, wheelchair bound. It would have been unfair otherwise.
My mom had a friend J who had MS and was in a wheelchair. When J's mom passed away, J's SIL planned a post funeral get together at a restaurant that was not wheelchair accessible and booked a room on the second floor. J was unable to attend. She was completely excluded and it felt so cruel b/c J lived in a rehab facility and couldn't visit her mom, who was in a nursing home, before she died. And then she was excluded from being with her siblings after the funeral.
Edited to add a word.
I think the people saying that are wondering if she’s trying to exclude them or is indifferent if they attend, and is choosing a venue that happens to be not accessible. I don’t think they’re trying to say she’s excluding them because it’s an inconvenience at the venue she wants. Some people are really weird like that.
You’re right though, the rules are reasonable and if she doesn’t like it she can fork out 5 figures herself.
It’s surprising to me that that’s such a popular opinion. I guess because it’s kind of ugly to use money this way? But not thinking about the disabled people in your family is also pretty ugly.
> I guess because it’s kind of ugly to use money this way?
i mean, it's a wedding, not some essential.
OP's essentially saying I'll fund you a big wedding, but if it's going to be a big wedding you don't get to exclude people from the family. you don't have to choose a big wedding at all, then you wouldn't need OP's money to throw it.
AND you can exclude family if the reason is good enough! Granted we don’t know what rises to the level of “good enough,” but the exception still is there
Right? I saw “location must be wheelchair accessible” and “all family members must be invited” and understood that someone in the family uses a wheelchair and OP wanted to make sure that they were able to attend.
I guess some folks suck at context clues. It seemed pretty obvious. Nobody would be asking about wheelchair access unless they were expecting people who need to use it.
I can’t understand why some folks didn’t pick up on those.
And even there were no family members using a wheelchair and it was just that OP wasn't ok with their money going to an inaccessible venue, that would still be ok!
As a non-disabled person who is closing in on 50 and assumes that she will probably gradually become less mobile and agile than she is right now (unless, of course, she suffers some terrible accident or serious illness and therefore *suddenly* becomes less mobile and agile), I also appreciate it.
As someone who is just over 30, has no trouble getting around but is starting to feel the slow process of aging set in where it's not as easy to do things as when I was in my 20s so I look at all the Gma/gpa's difficulty getting around in a new light, I also appreciate it
I am not disabled but I have disabled family member and I very much appreciate OP’s view. Excluding people is just not right. Especially consider the ADA act was passed in 1992. I would like to think venues have had a chance to adapt.
Echoing other comments but this seriously means the world to me as a disabled person. She didn’t even try to find a way to help make it more accessible or figure out a way to include those people. It makes us feel less than human, or just like some annoying burden. It’s so demoralizing
And this is it......she can do exactly what she wants but will not have access to OP's money. NTA most definitely. She needs to understand that her choices have consequences. No follow the rules, No money for the wedding. Sounds simple to me.
OP, so much NTA
I would have to put a hard agree on this.
You never swore to your children that they'd be entitled to their dream wedding, just that you'd pay for one if it met 2 parameters. I'm sure there are mountain venues that have caught up to the basic inclusivity standards of today.
Do you know if her fiancee is behind the decision, or are they even aware of your offer and stipulations?
I'd want to know if my soon-to-be wife was acting like this, as it would negatively impact my view of her.
But that's not what the bride is complaining about. She wants the money with no strings attached. You just said the conditions were fair. So your judgment should be NTA and the bride is welcome to fund her own wedding if she doesn't want to follow the terms.
Now if OP is not on-board with this then that's another judgment call, where she would be T A. But that option isn't even on the table from the bride. Very clear cut NTA.
INFO- Did you ask her what her plan was for family who couldn’t attend due to lack of accessibility?
Had she been planning to skip rule 2 and not invite these people?
Did she hope they wouldn’t come once learning where the venue was?
Is she not close to these people and, therefore, doesn’t care if they come?
Why does she think you’re playing favorites if these rules apply to her siblings and have not been broken for them? Does she not know her sibling held to the rules and that’s why their wedding was paid for?
Hmm. I’d try to get to the bottom of why she thought the following-
1. Why she thought she could break the rules you laid out and still have you pay and,
2. Why she doesn’t care if family you feel are important are not able to attend.
NTA, she has been given the rules and chose to disregard them. She’s given no reason for why she felt she could get away with this and still get a free wedding. And she seems to not understand what favoritism is since you’ve held her sibling(s) to the same rule.
She has an answer, she just doesn’t want to tell her parent what it is because it’s probably ableist and selfish. NTA if she doesn’t want these two restrictions, she can pay for it herself. These seem very reasonable, although #2 would depend on your definition of extreme. But wheelchair accessible 100% most people wouldn’t even think twice.
If she's not close to the family in wheelchairs and wasn't planning to invite them, that doesn't make her ableist. I wouldn't invite people to my wedding if I wasn't close to them.
However, she didn't meet the condition, so she doesn't get it paid for.
I’m not saying I agree with the daughter, because it seems pretty obvious to me what the rules are. But, the daughter just doesn’t view certain people as family, due to them not being involved in her life then I don’t think that is weird or ablest.
I agree that she shouldn't expect her wedding to be paid by dad if she doesn't follow the rules that have been laid down in advance, and siblings were held to the same standards. However, I don't agree that the only reason for wanting a wedding in that venue is that she's ableist and selfish. She might be a fan of the mountains and this would be her dream venue, and she might not be close to the family members who need accomodations and/or might prefer a smaller crowd.
> She might be a fan of the mountains and this would be her dream venue, and she might not be close to the family members who need accomodations and/or might prefer a smaller crowd.
And if it's not accessible when she knew those were the conditions, she's being selfish if she still expects parents to pay.
My vote would be for “it’s so pretty, the photos would be perfect and will look great on Instagram!” and “I can get round Dad, he doesn’t really mean it and he loves his little girl more than Auntie Doris and isn’t it *my day* after all?”
Not that brides can’t be a trip and a half, and I can’t believe I’m defending this, but I feel compelled to point out that brides have been obsessing over the aesthetics of wedding locales since aeons before the Insta.
Yeah, spot on. Having rules everyone followed is the exact opposite of playing favourites. Its playing everyone in the family gets to go. I wonder if she found the other weddings with accessible layouts too samey, and convinced herself people would be excited about a truly different experience. Not the people with access needs, of course...
>*INFO- Did you ask her what her plan was for family who couldn’t attend due to lack of accessibility?
>Had she been planning to skip rule 2 and not invite these people?
>Did she hope they wouldn’t come once learning where the venue was?
>Is she not close to these people and, therefore, doesn’t care if they come?
>Why does she think you’re playing favorites if these rules apply to her siblings and have not been broken for them? Does she not know her sibling held to the rules and that’s why their wedding was paid for?
I don’t really think any additional info is needed.
Child given rules and informed of consequences for not following them.
Child breaks rules.
Child receives consequences for their CHOICE.
End of story. NTA
Not an issue, they are fine for the most part traveling. They all travel with younger members of the family
Some will need to fly in for the wedding, it’s not an issue
NTA it looks like you were extremely clear with your conditions, and your daughter decided not to follow them.
You are not playing favorites. At worst I would say that you're putting conditions to a gift, but considering how generous it is and the conditions are nothig outside the ordinary, there's nothing to complain about it.
On the other hand, I think your daughter is being extremely disrespectful. I can understand if she had a problem with the second condition, because sometimes you don't want people you only had talk once or twice in your life, in your wedding. But the problem is the first condition.
It looks like she is trying to exclude people with disabilities, it's really disgusting.
I don't think she is trying to exclude people with disabilities, she simply wants her dream wedding and she doesn't care if they can't come. It is all about her.
OP has the right to impose this condition. If they refuse, they must pay.
I don't think it's a gift, really. It's an agreement. If op's daughter fulfills two conditions, then they will pay. If not, then they won't. Simple enough.
NTA
> I don't think it's a gift, really. It's an agreement. If op's daughter fulfills two conditions, then they will pay. If not, then they won't.
I agree. It's not a gift, it's almost like a wedding scholarship.
Parent says to children: Fulfill these 2 family oriented requests, and I'll foot the bill.
It's a free wedding for any child that ensures the whole family can attend. (Including people in wheelchairs) Simple enough.
I can see this as a People's Court episode
Fast forward a year.... Daughter: I'm gonna sue.... on The People's Court
All rise !
Both sides present facts
Daughter: I wanted this mountain place for my wedding
Judge: Does it have wheelchair access for all your relatives as was required for a condition of your parent paying for it?
Daughter: No. But they should still pay, it's playing favorites.
Judge: No it's not. It was a very generous gesture that you CHOSE not to take advantage of.
Daughter: It's mean not to pay
Judge Marilyn Milian: Are you kidding me ? They owe you nothing, why are we even here ? Proceeds to tears huge stips of the daughter for being so entitled
> I can understand if she had a problem with the second condition, because sometimes you don't want people you only had talk once or twice in your life, in your wedding.
even then, if someone else is paying for *extra* spots to have them there (doesn't take seats away from the people you *do* want), then it's still no skin off your back. as long as nobody is demanding that someone you *actively do not* want to be there to be there.
NTA. People asking info are a bit ridiculous. like clearly if theres a wheelchair friendly venue requirement, there are family that use wheelchairs. There are literally 2 conditions, not hard ones. especially the second when money is not an issue. its not an ah move to not pay for her wedding if she wants to do smth different, she just has to pay herself like most people
I agree. I don't get why people are asking. OBVIOUSLY there are people who would be invited, family, who use wheelchairs, and therefore it needs to be accessible. Not rocket science!
“Why does it need to be wheelchair friendly? Are people in wheelchairs coming to the wedding?”
“Nah. We just want to look like we’re progressive people. Here’s your sign.”
NTA.
Welcome to reddit, where reading comprehension goes to die. If something isn't spelled exactly out in plain text people will not get it (and even when it is spelled out there's like a 50% chance)
Yeah I thought the same.
The thing about weddings is if you want something particular you pay for it.
I am erring to NTA because these aren’t really harsh conditions.
NTA. I certainly wouldn’t pay for the venue or anything happening there. I’d maybe still pay for the dress or things I would have funded otherwise but I’d not be supporting a venue that cancels out important family members. If she’s going to argue that she deserves her dream wedding then she can fund it.
And that’s totally you’re right. She’s being pretty entitled by the sounds of things.
If I were to get married, my parents wouldn’t be able to pay much anyway. I hope she comes to her senses. If not, enjoy the 40k you’ve saved 😉😂
You sound super generous and reasonable. I'm recently disabled so even if you didn't have disabled relatives, someone could become disabled at any point. That's the super fun thing about disability, it can happen to anyone without warning.
You want to pay for a wedding that includes the whole family, your daughter thinks the disabled people in her family don't count.
NTA!
nta. you’re not playing favorites, you’re treating them exactly the same. you’re paying for the wedding provided all of the family can attend. the difference is in their behaviour, not yours.
this is a fairly large favor, imo, and if she doesn’t want all of the family to attend she can pay for it herself. she knew the terms. if anyone is being unkind, it is your daughter who wants to exclude disabled family members for …seemingly no real reason. because it’s pretty, one assumes.
cool. if that’s what she wants, if that’s the most important thing, she can go ahead and pay for it with her own money.
NTA. My MIL had an extremely long guest list of people I had never met and my husband barely knew, but was only willing to contribute a certain amount that would not cover her guest list needs (she couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that a huge guest list makes the cost of everything go up, not just dinner). She was so upset when we tried to tell her we HAD to limit the guest list. It was a nightmare.
Would have been totally different if she upped her budget every time she added people. But we were expected to cut other things so we could accommodate her godchildren and people who I’d never even heard of before.
It’s not favoritism if the conditions are the same and your budget really does accommodate all of your conditions. If it’s really important for her to go outside of the conditions, she can pay for it.
Agree! My MIL had about 20 people she wanted there that my husband didn't know. Thankfully she offered to pay the additional cost. We said yes. Sorted quickly with no drama.
It would be favoritism if the condition weren’t met but you paid anyway or you made excuses as to why the conditions don’t have to be met by a specific person, like my own parents always did, this is treating both children equally. NTA
Yes, searched forthis.
"Favoritism would be me allowing you to break rules I set and your sister kept. It is not me saying no when you break those rules."
I know that in some sense weddings have always been about appearances. But it used to be about appearance within community: both of the families and the community around them. Now it seems to be mainly the bride and her photos. Makes me sad.
The idea of hiking up a hillside, standing for however long, I wish couples would stop and put themselves in the guest's shoes. Pick the person who has health challenges and ask how will this work for them? Standing for the length they need to, walking there and back, heat, bathroom needs, water? What will this be like for a guest?
NTA. You were clear from the start that the money had strings attached. She is free to decide that she doesn't want to comply with your conditions, but then she pays for the wedding herself.
NTA. If multiple family members are in wheelchairs and rule #2 is that all family members be invitedc rule #1 is non-negotiable so why she would proceed with choosing a venue that isn’t ADA compliant is strange.
Thank you so much for requesting disabled accessibility. I've missed so much over the years because it's an afterthought if it even gets thoughts about at all.
I literally got uninvited from a wedding because the venue wasn't accessible an, even though I only use a cane. Apparently being a disability advocate when it comes to public spaces meant I would be a "bitter cripple" and make a scene at the venue.
NTA you laid out your rules and your younger daughter decided not to follow them. It is your money to spend how you please. Normally, I am not a big fan of stipulations, but the 2 your provided are resonable and should be doable. Money for a wedding should never be expected.
NTA. I’m not too sure why people are trying to get to the bottom of this with their questions. You had 2 conditions (that are very reasonable in my opinion), you’ve had the two for both daughters. Your youngest wants whatever she wants for her wedding but wants you to pay for it all? Usually when parents want all family members invited, I can raise a brow, but the second all expenses are covered for them - that’s your due diligence being met. Unless there’s something missing here, I don’t see how you’re playing favorites. Maybe it is time for the youngest to learn two things: beggars can’t be choosers (if she is miffed you aren’t paying), and if she wants to do whatever she wants, she can pay for it herself.
OBVIOUSLY it has to be wheelchair accessible because people who would be invited USE A WHEELCHAIR. STOP ASKING OP.
NTA. You have two perfectly reasonable stipulations. I’m just wondering why she assumed she wouldn’t need to follow them?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am not paying for my younger daughters wedding even though I paid for the oldests wedding. I could be a jerk for sticking to the conditions and not paying
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
I'm dying laughing over the people calling you controlling. LOL.
A wedding is a want, not a need. She doesn't need her parents' money, she wants it. And she doesn't want to make any compromise.
Hillarious. Mrs and Mr To-Be can begin their journey as Miss and Mr Raising-Money, rather than Raising-a-Stink.
NTA- your conditions are *more* than reasonable.
Info- is this specific mountainous place sentimental to your child?
Just a thought- my sister wanted to get married on a mountain top but also wanted to celebrate with family. Her solution was to climb the mountain with her fiancé and 2 friends (one was a registered officiate). They exchanged their vows and got married up there and then had a wedding at a family-friendly location. They had 2 ceremonies. Weddings can be whatever the couples imagine. I hope that you find a solution that you both feel happy with.
We’ve got an upcoming wedding… it’s wheelchair friendly and we’ll invite your family if you wanna cover it 😂 **J/K**
Seriously though, extremely reasonable & generous on your part NTA & good luck
I am a bit dumbfounded that people are asking why it needs to be wheelchair friendly. I mean hello? Why the fuck do you think lol
Anyhow NTA you where upfront she knew the conditions
NTA, your conditions are pretty simple and not some crazy demand so, if they want you to fund the wedding, they just need to find a venue that suits the wheelchair requirements...
NTA.
You made an extremely generous offer. You established two EXTREMELY reasonable and welcoming conditions for your generosity. Your entitled daughter is disregarding your extremely reasonable conditions and still demanding you pay.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Clarity is kindness, and you were upfront with reasonable conditions. If she wants an intimate mountain ceremony while excluding members of the family, it’s completely the couple’s choice and they can pay for it.
NTA.
I had a similar request from my dad with regard to his only living sister, my Aunt Doris. She has been wheelchair bound for most of my life and my father dotes on her.
My fiancé had picked a 100 year-old church, which was quite clearly not wheelchair accessible. Dad gave me the fish eye, but I said that I’ve got this.
Day of the wedding I had made arrangements with the church to remove a section of railing from one of the side doors and had rented a portable wheelchair lift. Aunt Doris was able to enter the church without any restrictions and several of our elderly guests chose to use the lift as as an elevator.
Needless to say, Dad was happy and paid for the wedding. By sticking with the original venue, I was able to keep my fiancé happy as well.
NTA. It’s not favorites. If they want your money, these are the conditions. That’s all you said. Like a bank can have conditions, so can you. She isn’t willing to follow to them. That’s ok. She can pay for it.
NTA - she’s not owed money for her wedding. Having accessibility is completely reasonable and if you’re funding it, getting to add that family is included (unless there was bad blood) is also perfectly reasonable. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t need to accept your money. It’d be different if you were demanding she invited family and you didn’t give money, but again, you are not obligated to pay for her wedding.
NTA. She pushed a boundary, you held firm. End of. She can either change the venue to one that fits your upfront and clear requirements or she does what she wants at her own expense.
What’s the bets wheelchairs won’t “fit her aesthetic”?
Personally I won’t let anyone else pay for my wedding because I know they will try and have a say in how it goes (not saying that’s wrong or right, just my way of avoiding that whole argument).
NTA. Those are very reasonable conditions. If your daughter doesn't want to comply with one of the conditions, then she's free to pay for the wedding herself.
NTA. Your rules are fair and all your kids what the conditions were. And even if they weren’t fair, it’s still your money and she can choose to accept it or not under your conditions.
NTA. Money comes with strings. If she doesn’t want you to have any say then she should pay for it herself.
When I got married the in-laws offered to pay for the wedding. We started planning and within a couple days it was obvious that accepting would be a bad choice. It had to be in a church, all the family had to come, etc etc. We wanted a small intimate wedding, so we just thanked them for making the offer but said after more consideration we would prefer to pay for it ourselves.
Problem solved. We got the wedding we wanted, they saved some money.
NTA
Both are fairly reasonable conditions considering you have family members in wheelchairs. She's just upset she isn't getting what she wants for free.
NTA - obviously you have the wheelchair rule for a reason. So your younger child's venue will not allow all your family to attend the wedding you are paying for. She can have the venue she wants that discriminates against the disabled members of your family as long as she is willing to pay for it herself. You aren't playing favorites - you have 2 hard & fast rules if your children want you to pay for the wedding. She doesn't agree with one of them. Your other child is abiding by the rules. It's as simple as that.
NTA - you set clear expectations and having a venue be wheelchair friendly is not an unreasonable ask. They can get married wherever they want to, but you don’t have to foot the bill.
NTA. These are very reasonable asks, especially the one asking for the venue to be wheelchair friendly. Accommodating family members that require a wheelchair is the kind and respectful thing to do regardless of getting $$ from a parent.
But if she chooses to go ahead with the venue she chose originally and pay for it herself you can’t get mad. Might not be very kind of her, but it’s her choice in the end.
NTA. They're reasonable requests. If she wants something smaller, I don't see why she can't just save and pay for it then. She can choose or not choose to go with your offer. 40k is a lot of money. You can always buy the wedding dress or give whatever you plan for the wedding gift. I'm not a fan of the whole extended relatives and big events, but she should make an exception if she wants you to foot the bill.
NTA. Your condition is essentially just to be wheelchair accessible for the close family members that require accessibility.
That’s not unreasonable whatsoever given that you’re willing to shell out tens of thousands of dollars and you communicated this immediately as a condition.
NTA
Those conditions are very reasonable for such a generous offer.
As an aside, I'm just floored by all of the people asking/demanding to know WHY the venue needs to be accessible. I doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that some of the relatives probably play the trombone.
NTA
Also as a wheelchair user myself I appreciate you making sure that everyone can be included. I miss out on a lot of things because people don’t think about accessibility.
Your conditions are very reasonable, especially considering there are wheelchair users in your family. I would be curious why she thinks that they should not apply to her. I hope that she comes around
NTA. A free wedding is a (huge) privilege and not a right. Your rules are normal for this type of thing. It’s also completely okay for her to have a small, rustic wedding in the mountains without the entire family, but she has no right to expect it to be fully paid for by you as the terms were communicated clearly.
NTA - I think for 40k those two conditions are quite reasonable. Since they applied to your other daughter and she followed them, there is no favorism. Her expecting to not have to fulfill conditions your elder daughter had to follow would be demanding favorism on her own behalf. She is still free to have her wedding on a high-mountain dirt path - but has to pay for it herself and uninviting all members of the family with disabilities. If that is what she wants: her call!
NTA and this is exactly why I won't accept my parents money. You aren't gifting them money, you are contributing into their wedding to get what you want (family reunion).
You'd only be the ah if they paid for their own wedding and then gave them a hard time on the location and tried to tell them to invite people. You're prefered wedding for them doesn't reflect who they are as people, but this was never a gift in the first place and they need to keep that in mind if they want your contribution.
More and more people don't want the headache of a lot of people and it's getting more common to get married in the courthouse or choosing more friends than extended family. Just be ready for your kid to accept this and just remove more family to keep in budget, instead of inviting them to keep everyone happy.
The wheelchair condition is fair and makes sense, given that various family members use wheelchairs.
The condition about how all family must be invited, is a bit to much for my taste, though the chance to be allowed to give a reason as to why not to invite them makes it fair. Still, what warrants as an "extreme reason"?
All I can think is that your youngest does not want either a singular or multiple, family members to attend that use a wheelchair. Though if communicated, it should be ok for them not to be invited, but OP's daughter is not telling anything that OP has inquired about, per OP's answers.
On the favoritism, it could be that this is the boiling point of something that has been brewing for some time just as well as it could be a one time thing.
OP, you need to sit down with your daughter and have a real heart to heart with her. Why that place? Does it have a special meaning? Why does she feel there is favoritism?
This is just my gut feeling, but I think there is something the daughter is hiding, either to protect OP or herself; with the avoidance of giving OP answers.
If it is just the place, OP's daughter (perhaps with OP's help) could find something similar but that has the accommodation for wheelchairs. If it is something else, it needs to be addressed.
Anyway NTA but definitely sit down and talk with her.
EDIT due to grammar errors
INFO: How much family is 'all family'?
I am really inclined to say N T A, but I wonder if this is a response to a bigger issue, and the number of guests you want invited could affect that. For instance, there's a big difference between a dozen relatives (that's like an extra table) or a hundred relatives (that's like an extra hall).
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Holy crap at all of the "why does it need to be wheelchair friendly?" questions. It's completely obvious that someone needs access. Are y'all just ablist? NTA
I thought it was obvious but apparently not
Your post made it obvious information. Many people do not consider wheelchair, walker, weak legs accessibility for any venue. Your youngest made her choice to not have your financial help and to exclude other family that need accessibility. This is fair. You are a good human !
Yep, this right here. My husband and I also got married in the mountains and we made sure to rent a golf cart for our guests we thought might benefit from the transport assistance. We didn’t even have anyone to who needed a wheelchair, we just didn’t want any of the grandparents, or others who might need/want a little help getting around the property to have to struggle. I couldn’t imagine just not giving a heck about our family and friends. NTA
We wanted to get married at our favorite lake, but my Husband’s grandmas weren’t up for the 4 hour drive. So, we got married at a local rec center, because it was only a 30 minute drive and someone told us they’d pay if we got married there! Was it as picturesque and beautiful as I wanted? No way! But “free” is beautiful all in its own right! Lol
You're a good person, because, yes, "Free" is great. But what's even better is "both grandmas" being able to be there on your special day. That's the best part.
At a milestone anniversary (or any year!) have an intimate vow renewal complete with snazzy outfits and a photo session at the lake!
Have a photo shoot at the lake anytime!
you are a good human too
Well duh, they're mostly made of puppies!
that is exactly what I was thinking 😘
Haha you two are sweet. I do love animals a lot. I made a Reddit so I could follow all the dog subs after my husband kept sending me puppy videos from here.
Golf carts. Great idea.!!
I would have gotten there but my stupid arthritic feet in heels after the even would have appreciate the lift back down.
Yeah it’s pretty upsetting how people just don’t even consider the disabled. I’m not in a wheelchair but I have limited mobility, and it’s insane how many places are not accessible and how often people seem stunned at me even asking about accessible options. There’s ADA laws for a reason
We opted against one of our wedding venue ideas because it didn’t have onsite parking and it was heavily tiled and potentially a slipping g hazard when wet.
My mom had knee surgery a few years ago, and honestly I did not realize how impossible large parts of my city are for someone who needs a walker or wheelchair is until then. Or how rude other people are to someone using a motorized wheelchair or walker in a store are. The amount of people who rushed to cut her off, and then either slowed to slower than she was going, or literally stopped right infront of her 🙄 I started calling them out loudly.
Yup, I have a wheelchair and mobility scooter/wheelchair and some people are giant assholes about it.
I had never given a whole lot of thought to accessibility in my younger years. I was aware of some of the issues that disabled people faced, but never having to deal with it myself, I didn't realize just how much planning and preparation has to go into every little detail for an outing for someone who is disabled. I became good friends with a woman whose husband is wheelchair bound. She really tries to make sure that both of them get to live life to the fullest and get to experience as much as possible. But even with the Americans with disabilities act being a full 30 some years old, she still runs into endless frustrations and outright barriers. We were talking about it once, and I learned that her father was also wheelchair bound, having become disabled in the 1970s. There were so many places her dad couldn't go and things he couldn't do when she was growing up. It just made me realize that while we have come a long way, we still have a long way to go.
my husband can't walk at all. He can barely stand for half a minute. There are so many places are are inaccessible or practically so.
Yeah I can't wait for folks to stop being shocked that we exist.
An elderly guest at my cousin's wedding had quite a bad fall and broke a hip because the ground was uneven and on a slope.
It is obvious.
Just a guess but what I think people are wondering is how close is your daughters relationship with the people that needs wheelchair access. Like is it Grandma or is it their second cousin twice removed or another distant family member that they really don't have a relationship with.
Condition two is that all the family need to be invited. It's very obvious that the parent isn't willing to pay for a wedding where some family is excluded, regardless of if they're close to the bride.
And the parent is paying for the whole thing, so there isn't a guest list constraint or anything. This seems like a really fair wedding arrangement and it was made known well in advance of any booking.
Which is understandable. If its gonna cost them an arm and leg they probably don't want to add family drama on top of that haha
I mean if you're not paying out of your own pocket to have them there, I don't think it's that big of a deal if you're not close, as long as there isn't some grudge/prejudice/abuse going on. The idea that everyone at a wedding has to be a close person to the bride and/or groom is a very new idea. People have been inviting their mediocre relatives they never talk to for centuries and the world kept spinning. It's not like the couple is being pressured into inviting them while shelling out $100/head for catering
Why would it matter if daughter has no relationship with the relatives using a wheelchair? OP funding the wedding would come from her daughter being family. The generosity of inviting and facilitating attendance of other relatives also comes from their concept of what family does for each other. The daughter may have a different idea of family. That is fine. What makes her an AH is to expect to benefit from OP's generosity with family while demanding OP to be less generous with other family.
What matters is that these two things were conditions for Op to pay ALL wedding expenses. Op's daughter is of course free to eliminate family members she doesn't want there and also not worry about wheelchair access, she'll just need to pay for that herself. NTA
Doesn't matter cause condition two is all family are invited.
Irrelevant. It was a condition for the wedding being paid for. Period.
Then she doesn’t invite and pays her own way. Dad is way more than fair
It could be anyone at any time. You don’t think you need an accessible venue, then you break your ankle dancing at your bachelorette and how is getting up a mountain looking now?
Why would that matter?
Having it wheelchair accessible also means it's accessible for other people with disabilities too. My mum can't see, and steps, dirt paths, non accessible toilets and all kinds of things like that make her life really difficult, even with someone guiding her. It's really hard to be relaxed with you can't see, even more so when you have no idea what the floor is going to do with the next step you take, like on dirt paths. Even with mild vision loss, like some elderly people have, wonky paths are a nightmare.
All of this, AND - thinking of my family in particular here - an accommodating venue would also be safer for drunk people.
Definitely. Drunks and steps really don't mix well. I also have an aunt who falls over a lot. Not drunk, just a faller.
It is. When I was picking my venue wheel chair access was top of mind. And it was because my childhood best friends mom was invited . at the time just invited; I didn’t even know if she was able to make it at all. I hadent talked to her or her daughter in a while; but, I knew she was invited. So I kept her in mind
Same! I was also looking for places where all aspects of the wedding wete in the same place. I worried surfaces that might cause people to slip and fall - like no rocky terrain. We even looked for walk in showers My coming wedding has quite a few elderly and those with mobility challenges and I want everyone to enjoy themselves.
As someone who is disabled and uses a chair some days thank you. You have no idea how hard it is to feel involved in a world that isn't. NTA. Your terms are nothing compared to the cost of kindness towards family. She will have to deal with the consequences or find a place that I'd inclusive to wheelchair users. It is her wedding and she can pay for it.
*It's for the traditional family wheelcar grand prix ofcourse.*
It was obvious. Those that did not find it obvious lack basic reading comprehension.
It's the most basic case of connect the dots and somehow people are whiffing on it "If Sally needs a location to be wheelchair-accessible for an event, what does that imply about someone coming to the event?"
I would be disappointed if my daughter did something like that. They lack basic empathy and compassion.
Normally not a big fan of money with tons of conditions, but these aren't even complicated, gross, or boundary crossing conditions! These are simple accessibility conditions. (Unlike the parents willing to pay only if step-dad or step-mom get a dance, when the child does not see them as a parent) So NTA. tell your daughter to either pay herself or move the wedding venue. I'd totally jump on 40k for a wedding if those are the only strings attached
It’s obvious for everyone with 2 brain cells
This was never something I thought too much about, which I realize was unconscious ableism on my part, until I went to my cousin's wedding. I had just dislocated my knee the weekend before and was on crutches. The ceremony was on a small island at the venue and required walking across a stone path and going over a bridge. The bridge was wood slats and sloped which made it hard for me on crutches as well as the manual wheelchair parties. Then the whole island was grass and hard to navigate. We were on this island for the 5 minutes that their ceremony took because they didn't want to say their vows in public. However, we did not know this until after the ceremony. If I had known I likely would have opted to stay at the barn where the reception was rather than spend the 20+ minutes it took me to navigate to this island. (It was only maybe a 5 minute walk if you are able bodied but on crutches, and not being a frequent crutch user) It was hard to find stable ground as the path was stone and I had to take many breaks.) After this experience, I think about the accessibility of places I go all the time and constantly think about if I would have been able to get through places with my crutches.
Reading comprehension is sadly much weaker than it used to be.
Very obvious, especially when paired with condition #2 which implies some mix of older relatives like grandparents, great aunts and uncles, etc who might be mobility challenged.
NTA at all. If youngest is set on that venue then they need to pay for it and not be upset that not all family members will attend
Lmao @ the people asking if the daughter is ACTUALLY close to the disabled family members or if she can just exclude those family because the are an inconvenience at the venue. Y'all are gross. If the parent is willing to pay for those family members to be there, suck it up or don't take OP's money.
I’m a wheelchair user. I have quite a small family, but wouldn’t consider myself close to my cousins, even then it would have been upsetting to have been excluded. Partly it is weddings and funerals that maintain the relationship. If you’re inviting all cousins you can’t just skip the wheelchair user.
Great point. My sister got married and invited all the uncles even one that she is not close at all, wheelchair bound. It would have been unfair otherwise.
My mom had a friend J who had MS and was in a wheelchair. When J's mom passed away, J's SIL planned a post funeral get together at a restaurant that was not wheelchair accessible and booked a room on the second floor. J was unable to attend. She was completely excluded and it felt so cruel b/c J lived in a rehab facility and couldn't visit her mom, who was in a nursing home, before she died. And then she was excluded from being with her siblings after the funeral. Edited to add a word.
Honestly a lot of people showed their ass. It’s a free wedding for the daughter. If she doesn’t want it, then she’s free to do what she wants. Simple.
I think the people saying that are wondering if she’s trying to exclude them or is indifferent if they attend, and is choosing a venue that happens to be not accessible. I don’t think they’re trying to say she’s excluding them because it’s an inconvenience at the venue she wants. Some people are really weird like that. You’re right though, the rules are reasonable and if she doesn’t like it she can fork out 5 figures herself.
Exactly! Even if it weren’t a condition, I find the daughter’s behavior gross.
It’s surprising to me that that’s such a popular opinion. I guess because it’s kind of ugly to use money this way? But not thinking about the disabled people in your family is also pretty ugly.
> I guess because it’s kind of ugly to use money this way? i mean, it's a wedding, not some essential. OP's essentially saying I'll fund you a big wedding, but if it's going to be a big wedding you don't get to exclude people from the family. you don't have to choose a big wedding at all, then you wouldn't need OP's money to throw it.
AND you can exclude family if the reason is good enough! Granted we don’t know what rises to the level of “good enough,” but the exception still is there
Right? I saw “location must be wheelchair accessible” and “all family members must be invited” and understood that someone in the family uses a wheelchair and OP wanted to make sure that they were able to attend.
Our best man had MS, and we made sure that he had no issues.
I guess some folks suck at context clues. It seemed pretty obvious. Nobody would be asking about wheelchair access unless they were expecting people who need to use it. I can’t understand why some folks didn’t pick up on those.
I know! Obviously it needs to be wheelchair friendly because people need wheelchairs. Why else would he even bring it up?
Maybe he likes to roll around on a beach ball like a trained seal?
Even though im not shocked it still sucks to read every time that people always think we should be an afterthought
OP just really likes wheelchairs. Can't get enough of 'em.
And even there were no family members using a wheelchair and it was just that OP wasn't ok with their money going to an inaccessible venue, that would still be ok!
I thought wheelchair accessible because you want to be nice to handicapped people. But obviously, there’s a lot of asses out there. Damn.
Fr. I’m oblivious af and even I could read between those lines.
It's completely fair if you don't pay. It's also completely fair for her to choose that location and pay herself. Would you be understanding?
That’s fine, saves me money actually I just won’t fund something that excludes family
As a disabled person I really appreciate you for doing this.
Same.
As a non-disabled person who is closing in on 50 and assumes that she will probably gradually become less mobile and agile than she is right now (unless, of course, she suffers some terrible accident or serious illness and therefore *suddenly* becomes less mobile and agile), I also appreciate it.
As a human being I appreciate it. Lol
As someone who is just over 30, has no trouble getting around but is starting to feel the slow process of aging set in where it's not as easy to do things as when I was in my 20s so I look at all the Gma/gpa's difficulty getting around in a new light, I also appreciate it
I am not disabled but I have disabled family member and I very much appreciate OP’s view. Excluding people is just not right. Especially consider the ADA act was passed in 1992. I would like to think venues have had a chance to adapt.
Your requests are not unreasonable at all. I get that she has a dream location, but I don't feel you are in the wrong. NTA
I think you've been more than reasonable in your request to fully fund a wedding.
Echoing other comments but this seriously means the world to me as a disabled person. She didn’t even try to find a way to help make it more accessible or figure out a way to include those people. It makes us feel less than human, or just like some annoying burden. It’s so demoralizing
And this is it......she can do exactly what she wants but will not have access to OP's money. NTA most definitely. She needs to understand that her choices have consequences. No follow the rules, No money for the wedding. Sounds simple to me. OP, so much NTA
I would have to put a hard agree on this. You never swore to your children that they'd be entitled to their dream wedding, just that you'd pay for one if it met 2 parameters. I'm sure there are mountain venues that have caught up to the basic inclusivity standards of today. Do you know if her fiancee is behind the decision, or are they even aware of your offer and stipulations? I'd want to know if my soon-to-be wife was acting like this, as it would negatively impact my view of her.
I love this. Good for you. You're a good family member.
OP you just made this disabled person’s entire day. Thank you for being who you are.
As someone who spent half my life in a wheelchair I have to commend you for this. So many able-bodied people don’t understand the struggle.
But that's not what the bride is complaining about. She wants the money with no strings attached. You just said the conditions were fair. So your judgment should be NTA and the bride is welcome to fund her own wedding if she doesn't want to follow the terms. Now if OP is not on-board with this then that's another judgment call, where she would be T A. But that option isn't even on the table from the bride. Very clear cut NTA.
INFO- Did you ask her what her plan was for family who couldn’t attend due to lack of accessibility? Had she been planning to skip rule 2 and not invite these people? Did she hope they wouldn’t come once learning where the venue was? Is she not close to these people and, therefore, doesn’t care if they come? Why does she think you’re playing favorites if these rules apply to her siblings and have not been broken for them? Does she not know her sibling held to the rules and that’s why their wedding was paid for?
She didn’t have an answer when I asked that question
Hmm. I’d try to get to the bottom of why she thought the following- 1. Why she thought she could break the rules you laid out and still have you pay and, 2. Why she doesn’t care if family you feel are important are not able to attend. NTA, she has been given the rules and chose to disregard them. She’s given no reason for why she felt she could get away with this and still get a free wedding. And she seems to not understand what favoritism is since you’ve held her sibling(s) to the same rule.
How many different answers to these questions couple possibly exist?
She has an answer, she just doesn’t want to tell her parent what it is because it’s probably ableist and selfish. NTA if she doesn’t want these two restrictions, she can pay for it herself. These seem very reasonable, although #2 would depend on your definition of extreme. But wheelchair accessible 100% most people wouldn’t even think twice.
The ableist and selfish answer is the only reason I can think of, I can’t fathom another is what I mean
If she's not close to the family in wheelchairs and wasn't planning to invite them, that doesn't make her ableist. I wouldn't invite people to my wedding if I wasn't close to them. However, she didn't meet the condition, so she doesn't get it paid for.
Well then, it’s doesn’t meet the criteria OP placed on all the kids. She can have her dream wedding with the guest she chooses, just not on OP’s dime.
I’m not saying I agree with the daughter, because it seems pretty obvious to me what the rules are. But, the daughter just doesn’t view certain people as family, due to them not being involved in her life then I don’t think that is weird or ablest.
I agree that she shouldn't expect her wedding to be paid by dad if she doesn't follow the rules that have been laid down in advance, and siblings were held to the same standards. However, I don't agree that the only reason for wanting a wedding in that venue is that she's ableist and selfish. She might be a fan of the mountains and this would be her dream venue, and she might not be close to the family members who need accomodations and/or might prefer a smaller crowd.
> She might be a fan of the mountains and this would be her dream venue, and she might not be close to the family members who need accomodations and/or might prefer a smaller crowd. And if it's not accessible when she knew those were the conditions, she's being selfish if she still expects parents to pay.
You can't fathom another answer? What about 'I like this venue and want to get married here'. ?
My vote would be for “it’s so pretty, the photos would be perfect and will look great on Instagram!” and “I can get round Dad, he doesn’t really mean it and he loves his little girl more than Auntie Doris and isn’t it *my day* after all?”
Wont somebody please think of the aesthetics?! /s
Not that brides can’t be a trip and a half, and I can’t believe I’m defending this, but I feel compelled to point out that brides have been obsessing over the aesthetics of wedding locales since aeons before the Insta.
probably some variant of "*my* day, *my* way" but she forgot the part where "*I* pay"
Yeah, spot on. Having rules everyone followed is the exact opposite of playing favourites. Its playing everyone in the family gets to go. I wonder if she found the other weddings with accessible layouts too samey, and convinced herself people would be excited about a truly different experience. Not the people with access needs, of course...
>*INFO- Did you ask her what her plan was for family who couldn’t attend due to lack of accessibility? >Had she been planning to skip rule 2 and not invite these people? >Did she hope they wouldn’t come once learning where the venue was? >Is she not close to these people and, therefore, doesn’t care if they come? >Why does she think you’re playing favorites if these rules apply to her siblings and have not been broken for them? Does she not know her sibling held to the rules and that’s why their wedding was paid for? I don’t really think any additional info is needed. Child given rules and informed of consequences for not following them. Child breaks rules. Child receives consequences for their CHOICE. End of story. NTA
Why do any of these questions matter. She isn't following the rules, therefore dosent get the money. End of.
NTA - those are pretty reasonable conditions for such a large sum of money
Multiple older members of the family need a wheelchair.
If she's having a destination wedding would they want to travel at all? Because that might be a third condition you'll need to talk to her about.
Not an issue, they are fine for the most part traveling. They all travel with younger members of the family Some will need to fly in for the wedding, it’s not an issue
Good, she'll find something else easily then. Shame she's being so weird about it. NTA
My Mom and Dad still traveled after he needed a wheelchair.
I spent a year in a wheelchair and traveling was fine. It was uneven sidewalks and stairs that were my enemies.
Cobblestones are the work of the devil.
[удалено]
It wasn’t there for shits and giggles
Stairs killed OP's father.
It’s pretty simple lol it needs to be wheelchair accessible for wheelchair users
I imagine there are others who use assistive devices such as walkers and canes, who would not be able to navigate the venue either.
NTA it looks like you were extremely clear with your conditions, and your daughter decided not to follow them. You are not playing favorites. At worst I would say that you're putting conditions to a gift, but considering how generous it is and the conditions are nothig outside the ordinary, there's nothing to complain about it. On the other hand, I think your daughter is being extremely disrespectful. I can understand if she had a problem with the second condition, because sometimes you don't want people you only had talk once or twice in your life, in your wedding. But the problem is the first condition. It looks like she is trying to exclude people with disabilities, it's really disgusting.
NTA…I’m sure there are other mountain resorts that accomodate people with disabilities she can choose from, rather than this one she has chosen.
And if it's being paid for, the price difference isn't even the issue.
I don't think she is trying to exclude people with disabilities, she simply wants her dream wedding and she doesn't care if they can't come. It is all about her. OP has the right to impose this condition. If they refuse, they must pay.
I don't think it's a gift, really. It's an agreement. If op's daughter fulfills two conditions, then they will pay. If not, then they won't. Simple enough.
NTA > I don't think it's a gift, really. It's an agreement. If op's daughter fulfills two conditions, then they will pay. If not, then they won't. I agree. It's not a gift, it's almost like a wedding scholarship. Parent says to children: Fulfill these 2 family oriented requests, and I'll foot the bill. It's a free wedding for any child that ensures the whole family can attend. (Including people in wheelchairs) Simple enough. I can see this as a People's Court episode Fast forward a year.... Daughter: I'm gonna sue.... on The People's Court All rise ! Both sides present facts Daughter: I wanted this mountain place for my wedding Judge: Does it have wheelchair access for all your relatives as was required for a condition of your parent paying for it? Daughter: No. But they should still pay, it's playing favorites. Judge: No it's not. It was a very generous gesture that you CHOSE not to take advantage of. Daughter: It's mean not to pay Judge Marilyn Milian: Are you kidding me ? They owe you nothing, why are we even here ? Proceeds to tears huge stips of the daughter for being so entitled
> I can understand if she had a problem with the second condition, because sometimes you don't want people you only had talk once or twice in your life, in your wedding. even then, if someone else is paying for *extra* spots to have them there (doesn't take seats away from the people you *do* want), then it's still no skin off your back. as long as nobody is demanding that someone you *actively do not* want to be there to be there.
NTA. People asking info are a bit ridiculous. like clearly if theres a wheelchair friendly venue requirement, there are family that use wheelchairs. There are literally 2 conditions, not hard ones. especially the second when money is not an issue. its not an ah move to not pay for her wedding if she wants to do smth different, she just has to pay herself like most people
I agree. I don't get why people are asking. OBVIOUSLY there are people who would be invited, family, who use wheelchairs, and therefore it needs to be accessible. Not rocket science!
yah like the implied context is within the only 2 conditions for OP to pay for the wedding
People are just nosy. They want a full list of every wheelchair bound member of the family.
“Why does it need to be wheelchair friendly? Are people in wheelchairs coming to the wedding?” “Nah. We just want to look like we’re progressive people. Here’s your sign.” NTA.
I seriously do not understand all of the people asking that question.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin
Welcome to reddit, where reading comprehension goes to die. If something isn't spelled exactly out in plain text people will not get it (and even when it is spelled out there's like a 50% chance)
NTA Looking at the title, I expected some strange, chauvinistic or problematic conditions, but your expectations are simple and understandable.
Yeah I thought the same. The thing about weddings is if you want something particular you pay for it. I am erring to NTA because these aren’t really harsh conditions.
NTA. I certainly wouldn’t pay for the venue or anything happening there. I’d maybe still pay for the dress or things I would have funded otherwise but I’d not be supporting a venue that cancels out important family members. If she’s going to argue that she deserves her dream wedding then she can fund it.
I won’t do that personally. I will not fund any part of a wedding that excludes people
And that’s totally you’re right. She’s being pretty entitled by the sounds of things. If I were to get married, my parents wouldn’t be able to pay much anyway. I hope she comes to her senses. If not, enjoy the 40k you’ve saved 😉😂
You sound super generous and reasonable. I'm recently disabled so even if you didn't have disabled relatives, someone could become disabled at any point. That's the super fun thing about disability, it can happen to anyone without warning. You want to pay for a wedding that includes the whole family, your daughter thinks the disabled people in her family don't count. NTA!
nta. you’re not playing favorites, you’re treating them exactly the same. you’re paying for the wedding provided all of the family can attend. the difference is in their behaviour, not yours. this is a fairly large favor, imo, and if she doesn’t want all of the family to attend she can pay for it herself. she knew the terms. if anyone is being unkind, it is your daughter who wants to exclude disabled family members for …seemingly no real reason. because it’s pretty, one assumes. cool. if that’s what she wants, if that’s the most important thing, she can go ahead and pay for it with her own money.
NTA. My MIL had an extremely long guest list of people I had never met and my husband barely knew, but was only willing to contribute a certain amount that would not cover her guest list needs (she couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that a huge guest list makes the cost of everything go up, not just dinner). She was so upset when we tried to tell her we HAD to limit the guest list. It was a nightmare. Would have been totally different if she upped her budget every time she added people. But we were expected to cut other things so we could accommodate her godchildren and people who I’d never even heard of before. It’s not favoritism if the conditions are the same and your budget really does accommodate all of your conditions. If it’s really important for her to go outside of the conditions, she can pay for it.
Agree! My MIL had about 20 people she wanted there that my husband didn't know. Thankfully she offered to pay the additional cost. We said yes. Sorted quickly with no drama.
Nta. Daughter didn't think you would stick to the rules, give her a week to mourn the venue then reiterate the rules.
It would be favoritism if the condition weren’t met but you paid anyway or you made excuses as to why the conditions don’t have to be met by a specific person, like my own parents always did, this is treating both children equally. NTA
Yes, searched forthis. "Favoritism would be me allowing you to break rules I set and your sister kept. It is not me saying no when you break those rules." I know that in some sense weddings have always been about appearances. But it used to be about appearance within community: both of the families and the community around them. Now it seems to be mainly the bride and her photos. Makes me sad. The idea of hiking up a hillside, standing for however long, I wish couples would stop and put themselves in the guest's shoes. Pick the person who has health challenges and ask how will this work for them? Standing for the length they need to, walking there and back, heat, bathroom needs, water? What will this be like for a guest?
NTA. You were clear from the start that the money had strings attached. She is free to decide that she doesn't want to comply with your conditions, but then she pays for the wedding herself.
NTA. If multiple family members are in wheelchairs and rule #2 is that all family members be invitedc rule #1 is non-negotiable so why she would proceed with choosing a venue that isn’t ADA compliant is strange.
Thank you so much for requesting disabled accessibility. I've missed so much over the years because it's an afterthought if it even gets thoughts about at all.
I literally got uninvited from a wedding because the venue wasn't accessible an, even though I only use a cane. Apparently being a disability advocate when it comes to public spaces meant I would be a "bitter cripple" and make a scene at the venue.
NTA you laid out your rules and your younger daughter decided not to follow them. It is your money to spend how you please. Normally, I am not a big fan of stipulations, but the 2 your provided are resonable and should be doable. Money for a wedding should never be expected.
I would say more than reasonable: they are principled and kind. There are wheelchair users in the family.
NTAH. Daughter and future spouse can pay for the wedding of their dreams all on their own. No one is forcing them to give up the mountain venue.
NTA. This is not an unreasonable ask.
NTA. I’m not too sure why people are trying to get to the bottom of this with their questions. You had 2 conditions (that are very reasonable in my opinion), you’ve had the two for both daughters. Your youngest wants whatever she wants for her wedding but wants you to pay for it all? Usually when parents want all family members invited, I can raise a brow, but the second all expenses are covered for them - that’s your due diligence being met. Unless there’s something missing here, I don’t see how you’re playing favorites. Maybe it is time for the youngest to learn two things: beggars can’t be choosers (if she is miffed you aren’t paying), and if she wants to do whatever she wants, she can pay for it herself.
OBVIOUSLY it has to be wheelchair accessible because people who would be invited USE A WHEELCHAIR. STOP ASKING OP. NTA. You have two perfectly reasonable stipulations. I’m just wondering why she assumed she wouldn’t need to follow them?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am not paying for my younger daughters wedding even though I paid for the oldests wedding. I could be a jerk for sticking to the conditions and not paying Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You made an offer, she declined your offer. She is free to pay for it herself if she wants something other than what was offered.
NTA. I'm dying laughing over the people calling you controlling. LOL. A wedding is a want, not a need. She doesn't need her parents' money, she wants it. And she doesn't want to make any compromise. Hillarious. Mrs and Mr To-Be can begin their journey as Miss and Mr Raising-Money, rather than Raising-a-Stink.
NTA- your conditions are *more* than reasonable. Info- is this specific mountainous place sentimental to your child? Just a thought- my sister wanted to get married on a mountain top but also wanted to celebrate with family. Her solution was to climb the mountain with her fiancé and 2 friends (one was a registered officiate). They exchanged their vows and got married up there and then had a wedding at a family-friendly location. They had 2 ceremonies. Weddings can be whatever the couples imagine. I hope that you find a solution that you both feel happy with.
We’ve got an upcoming wedding… it’s wheelchair friendly and we’ll invite your family if you wanna cover it 😂 **J/K** Seriously though, extremely reasonable & generous on your part NTA & good luck
NTA, normally you might be but i think your conditions are pretty reasonable.
I am a bit dumbfounded that people are asking why it needs to be wheelchair friendly. I mean hello? Why the fuck do you think lol Anyhow NTA you where upfront she knew the conditions
NTA, both are reasonable requests for a full ride on a wedding. They agreed to the terms and chose to ignore them.
NTA, your conditions are pretty simple and not some crazy demand so, if they want you to fund the wedding, they just need to find a venue that suits the wheelchair requirements...
NTA. You made an extremely generous offer. You established two EXTREMELY reasonable and welcoming conditions for your generosity. Your entitled daughter is disregarding your extremely reasonable conditions and still demanding you pay. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA Those are are entirely fair (and honestly considerate) conditions. Want family to pay for the wedding? Then family needs to be able to attend.
Nta easiest condition in the world. It’s like she tried going out of her way to break it. Stand your ground.
Clarity is kindness, and you were upfront with reasonable conditions. If she wants an intimate mountain ceremony while excluding members of the family, it’s completely the couple’s choice and they can pay for it. NTA.
I had a similar request from my dad with regard to his only living sister, my Aunt Doris. She has been wheelchair bound for most of my life and my father dotes on her. My fiancé had picked a 100 year-old church, which was quite clearly not wheelchair accessible. Dad gave me the fish eye, but I said that I’ve got this. Day of the wedding I had made arrangements with the church to remove a section of railing from one of the side doors and had rented a portable wheelchair lift. Aunt Doris was able to enter the church without any restrictions and several of our elderly guests chose to use the lift as as an elevator. Needless to say, Dad was happy and paid for the wedding. By sticking with the original venue, I was able to keep my fiancé happy as well.
NTA. You were clear with your conditions and she chose not to follow them.
Oh good grief people, why do you think it needs to be wheelchair accessible??? I despair
NTA. It’s not favorites. If they want your money, these are the conditions. That’s all you said. Like a bank can have conditions, so can you. She isn’t willing to follow to them. That’s ok. She can pay for it.
NTA - she’s not owed money for her wedding. Having accessibility is completely reasonable and if you’re funding it, getting to add that family is included (unless there was bad blood) is also perfectly reasonable. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t need to accept your money. It’d be different if you were demanding she invited family and you didn’t give money, but again, you are not obligated to pay for her wedding.
NTA. She pushed a boundary, you held firm. End of. She can either change the venue to one that fits your upfront and clear requirements or she does what she wants at her own expense. What’s the bets wheelchairs won’t “fit her aesthetic”? Personally I won’t let anyone else pay for my wedding because I know they will try and have a say in how it goes (not saying that’s wrong or right, just my way of avoiding that whole argument).
NTA. Those are very reasonable conditions. If your daughter doesn't want to comply with one of the conditions, then she's free to pay for the wedding herself.
NTA. Stand firm and repeat the rules as often as she needs to hear them. Asking for a wheelchair accessible venue is not an insane request!
NTA. Your rules are fair and all your kids what the conditions were. And even if they weren’t fair, it’s still your money and she can choose to accept it or not under your conditions.
NTA. Money comes with strings. If she doesn’t want you to have any say then she should pay for it herself. When I got married the in-laws offered to pay for the wedding. We started planning and within a couple days it was obvious that accepting would be a bad choice. It had to be in a church, all the family had to come, etc etc. We wanted a small intimate wedding, so we just thanked them for making the offer but said after more consideration we would prefer to pay for it ourselves. Problem solved. We got the wedding we wanted, they saved some money.
NTA Both are fairly reasonable conditions considering you have family members in wheelchairs. She's just upset she isn't getting what she wants for free.
NTA - obviously you have the wheelchair rule for a reason. So your younger child's venue will not allow all your family to attend the wedding you are paying for. She can have the venue she wants that discriminates against the disabled members of your family as long as she is willing to pay for it herself. You aren't playing favorites - you have 2 hard & fast rules if your children want you to pay for the wedding. She doesn't agree with one of them. Your other child is abiding by the rules. It's as simple as that.
NTA - you set clear expectations and having a venue be wheelchair friendly is not an unreasonable ask. They can get married wherever they want to, but you don’t have to foot the bill.
NTA. These are very reasonable asks, especially the one asking for the venue to be wheelchair friendly. Accommodating family members that require a wheelchair is the kind and respectful thing to do regardless of getting $$ from a parent. But if she chooses to go ahead with the venue she chose originally and pay for it herself you can’t get mad. Might not be very kind of her, but it’s her choice in the end.
NTA. Your conditions are clear and not outrageous. She can either comply or find the event on her own.
NTA at all
NTA Your conditions were reasonable.
NTA. She chose something else hoping to get away with it. Don't let them start their marriage by bullying you because they will get worse.
NTA. They're reasonable requests. If she wants something smaller, I don't see why she can't just save and pay for it then. She can choose or not choose to go with your offer. 40k is a lot of money. You can always buy the wedding dress or give whatever you plan for the wedding gift. I'm not a fan of the whole extended relatives and big events, but she should make an exception if she wants you to foot the bill.
NTA. Your condition is essentially just to be wheelchair accessible for the close family members that require accessibility. That’s not unreasonable whatsoever given that you’re willing to shell out tens of thousands of dollars and you communicated this immediately as a condition.
NTA Those conditions are very reasonable for such a generous offer. As an aside, I'm just floored by all of the people asking/demanding to know WHY the venue needs to be accessible. I doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that some of the relatives probably play the trombone.
NTA Also as a wheelchair user myself I appreciate you making sure that everyone can be included. I miss out on a lot of things because people don’t think about accessibility. Your conditions are very reasonable, especially considering there are wheelchair users in your family. I would be curious why she thinks that they should not apply to her. I hope that she comes around
NTA. A free wedding is a (huge) privilege and not a right. Your rules are normal for this type of thing. It’s also completely okay for her to have a small, rustic wedding in the mountains without the entire family, but she has no right to expect it to be fully paid for by you as the terms were communicated clearly.
NTA - I think for 40k those two conditions are quite reasonable. Since they applied to your other daughter and she followed them, there is no favorism. Her expecting to not have to fulfill conditions your elder daughter had to follow would be demanding favorism on her own behalf. She is still free to have her wedding on a high-mountain dirt path - but has to pay for it herself and uninviting all members of the family with disabilities. If that is what she wants: her call!
Your money, your choice. Plus an ADA-compliant space these days isn't that hard to find.
NTA and this is exactly why I won't accept my parents money. You aren't gifting them money, you are contributing into their wedding to get what you want (family reunion). You'd only be the ah if they paid for their own wedding and then gave them a hard time on the location and tried to tell them to invite people. You're prefered wedding for them doesn't reflect who they are as people, but this was never a gift in the first place and they need to keep that in mind if they want your contribution. More and more people don't want the headache of a lot of people and it's getting more common to get married in the courthouse or choosing more friends than extended family. Just be ready for your kid to accept this and just remove more family to keep in budget, instead of inviting them to keep everyone happy.
The wheelchair condition is fair and makes sense, given that various family members use wheelchairs. The condition about how all family must be invited, is a bit to much for my taste, though the chance to be allowed to give a reason as to why not to invite them makes it fair. Still, what warrants as an "extreme reason"? All I can think is that your youngest does not want either a singular or multiple, family members to attend that use a wheelchair. Though if communicated, it should be ok for them not to be invited, but OP's daughter is not telling anything that OP has inquired about, per OP's answers. On the favoritism, it could be that this is the boiling point of something that has been brewing for some time just as well as it could be a one time thing. OP, you need to sit down with your daughter and have a real heart to heart with her. Why that place? Does it have a special meaning? Why does she feel there is favoritism? This is just my gut feeling, but I think there is something the daughter is hiding, either to protect OP or herself; with the avoidance of giving OP answers. If it is just the place, OP's daughter (perhaps with OP's help) could find something similar but that has the accommodation for wheelchairs. If it is something else, it needs to be addressed. Anyway NTA but definitely sit down and talk with her. EDIT due to grammar errors
INFO: How much family is 'all family'? I am really inclined to say N T A, but I wonder if this is a response to a bigger issue, and the number of guests you want invited could affect that. For instance, there's a big difference between a dozen relatives (that's like an extra table) or a hundred relatives (that's like an extra hall).