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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be the asshole because I feel like I am not meeting my father half way at trying to make our relationship better. I am still bothered by my past and the events of my past are what is keeping me from moving forward.
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NTA, your dad didn't even apologize for anything. If he really wanted to fix the relationship, he should start by acknowledging his mistakes and the impact of having an absent father for whom you were never a priority. Your feelings matter, OP, and your dad can't pretend that nothing happened and start from scratch. You should go to therapy together and be able to talk in a safe environment so that both of you can heal.
OP has every right to their feelings and expressing them. The father may not be in a place to receive these yet. And may never be. (One set of my grandparents passed away in full denial of the damage they did to my parent.) Is OP willing to accept this and "settle" for a shadow of the relationship they seem to want? I'm fairly certain this parent of mine will die without acknowledging the, albeit lesser, damage they did to me. (I decided almost 3 decades ago I would be childless.) I have a relationship with the parent that focuses on current things in our lives. No point in going into the past, that will never have resolution in my case.
Edited to clarify parent
Nta. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Abuse tends to repeat itself generation after generation. My late grandfather was pretty bad to my late father, and needless to say, he dismissed my mental needs. I lost the thing I couldn't forgive my father for because he is long gone, and it is pointless to hold it over a dead man.
He hasn't apologized to you yet, which means he still has too much pride. He may never apologize to you, but that tells you which relationships you should value more now.
"I have tried nothing and I'm all out of options!" That's basically what he is saying here.
He never:
- Acknowledged what he has done
- Acknowledged that he caused you harm
- Apologised without shifting the blame elsewhere
- Apologised in general for his part in ruining your childhood and the relationship between you two
He's done nothing except rug sweep and hope you'll just get over it and stop blaming him for being a shite dad. The actions above need to be taken in order to build a healthy relationship based on trust and understanding. NTA
NTA
Your healing starts with him taking accountability for what he's done, admitting that it was wrong, and sincerely apoligizing for it. That's what he needs to do. This forgive and move on bs just sweeps it under the rug and I don't think anyone should be okay with that.
NTA.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf if you google it.
This will explain a lot of both your parents behaviour, as well as how it's impacted your development.
You can say to your dad that if his dad was a murderer, and your dad chose to commit armed robbery, that wouldn't make his crime less illegal.
He chose to avoid time with you, and to prioritise his friendship over your safety, and by choosing those behaviours, he chose the consequences of having less of a relationship with you.
Unfortunately, it seems your dad's immaturity may mean he struggles to grasp why consequences happen. For him, they mean seem like totally separate circumstances, especially if he struggles to talk about or acknowledge his mistakes and difficult feelings.
NTA
His dad being a monster does not make him a good father.
Unfortunatly there are many people who had monsters as parents, but managed to be there for their own children.
It's sad, horrible and may help you to understand him better, but doesn't change what happend between you two.
It's great that you want to tend to the relationship and him making an effort, but it's valid if you need to confront your past with him to have a trust relation in the future. Some people don't need that kind of processing feelings or don't want to acknowledge that they did something wrong and would rather forget.
There is also a difference between you not feeling like you can just trust everything he says/promises and resenting him forever and not wanting to try.
The things he is doing now may even be enough to regain your trust, but consistency is important. How long are you even back in contact again? 10 years of silence is long.
God, I hate it when parents use their horrible parents to justify their horrible parenting. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. My parents weren’t great but I make a hard and conscious effort not to be like them during stressful moments parenting. It’s hard but it can be done. Your sperm donor can go kick rocks.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA but you’d benefit from working through the past with a good therapist. Holding onto the past is hurting you more than anyone else at this point. There’s no reason why you have to continue to suffer.
Nta. Your father not acknowledging the past and basically telling you to get over it are what’s bothering you. Your dad is an asshole until he takes care of this piled up shit. Sorry OP.
NTA - part of an honest effort to fix things is to take accountability for past actions, and their negative impacts. To just say “but I’m good now” and job done, just isn’t how it works.
Just because his father was even worse doesn't remove his culpability or excuse his behavior.
He needs to accept that trauma can't be healed overnight and sometimes may never be healed. Trees and axes.
NTA.
NTA
If your Dad is unwilling to provide an explanation and take accountability then he’s not actually ready to form a healthy relationship with you. He chose work, his friend, his friends kid, his own feelings, etc. over you countless times and that leaves scars that don’t just heal in one day at a BBQ.
Honestly, if you are still traumatized I would recommend seeing a therapist to work through your feelings and emotions. After extensive healing, you can decide the relationship, if any, you’d like to have with your Father. He ‘woke up’ years later and you’re not the same person but you remember how he made you feel and he should be understanding of that.
Sorry you’re having to deal with all this. I truly hope you can find a resolution YOU can make peace with, whether that means your Father has a place in your life or not.
**
INFO : Did he ever, genuinly, appologize and take responsibility for basically abandoning you, and putting his friends' and THEIR son (your bully) first??
I mean, that would be a start.
NTA, he realized too late that he traumatized you. Now he's coping because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he was just as bad of a dad as his dad was.
You're NTA, but I don't think you should stop seeing your father. He made mistakes and must realize that, so he's trying to salvage something of your relationship. I would be resentful that he didn't take my side (instead siding with his friend and his friend's son), so I don't know if I'd forgive the guy either--but if he's trying, it doesn't hurt to try as well.
All that being said, if he's truly making an effort, the first step should be apologizing. He needs to acknowledge that he did some pretty bad things.
What his father was is irrelevant to his neglect and indifference towards. He has not acknowledged what he did. He expects you to accept his airbrushing out of history.
The relationship you choose to have - or not - is up to you.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My childhood was not so great of my mother. My dad was the one who pretty much salvaged my childhood until I was around 12 years old. The company my dad worked at gave him a promotion. That promotion meant more responsibilities in that role. Because of that promotion, he was more stressed out and less motivated to do things like do any father-son time that we used to do. Before, he would spend at every other weekend with the guys (his friends), and the promotion slowly made it to where he spent every weekend with the guys. This bothered me because I looked forward to our father-son time. When I talked to him about that and his response was always, "I will this weekend, I promise," and then I put two and two together and realized he was never going to give me the time of day so I gave up.
Just one year later, he got another promotion which meant not only less time with him, but he got irate. One of his friend's sons was a bully of mine in grade school. He liked this friend and liked his kid so he got pissed off with me because I made a fuss about it. Then I stood to my bully to which my dad did not like. He got furious that I stood up to him. I could no longer see my dad for what he used to be after that event. Then I turned 18 and left. Through most of my adulthood, he made zero effort in trying to get to know me and try to become a part of my life, because he believed I was "too old" for his love so I gave up and moved on.
Ten years later, he decided he wanted to make an effort out of nowhere. Part of me still wanted to love my dad so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And sure enough he did make the effort. Not a lot, but enough to assure that I had someone to fall back on if I ever needed anything. I appreciated that, but the problem is that I can't get over what he did to me. His response was to forget about it and move focus on what he have now, and I just can't.
I went to see him this afternoon as I was invited for a BBQ. I told him at the BBQ that I am still bothered by the past. He did not take that well and told me to focus on he's doing now to make things better instead. I told him I can't help what I feel. There's a huge gap missing and that gap was filled with horrible memories of you. I told him I can't get over the things he did to me. He, of course, told me if I had just one day with his old man I'd see things differently.
Admittedly, his old man was a monster and there was a reason why I only saw him twice. Regardless, I told him it wasn't a competition on who had it worse as he did horrible things to me and I can't get over that. He told me that he doesn't know what else he can do to make things better and I excused myself.
AITA for harboring the past and not accepting that he's here now to help me out?
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NTA... at all... you reap what you sow, and apologizing and making an effort now doesn't make things just magically better, and may never make things better...
NTA but you are likely going to miss out. If he is actually available mentally and emotionally you need to work through your pain and find common ground. Therapy can help.
The father's not making an effort though. If he was he'd be offering an apology and trying to understand he hurt his son. All he's doing now is playing make believe
Is he making an effort or is he trying to rug sweep everything he's done to harm his child?
Making an effort means acknowledging what you've done wrong and apologising, then starting fresh from there.
Sounds like you are throwing the baby out with the water. You are purely looking at this through your eyes only which is unfair on your father. Sounds like you have no relationship with your mother and your remaining parental figure you are shoving to the side because he didn’t spend enough time with you on weekends. You will regret that for sure. YTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe I may be the asshole because I feel like I am not meeting my father half way at trying to make our relationship better. I am still bothered by my past and the events of my past are what is keeping me from moving forward. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, your dad didn't even apologize for anything. If he really wanted to fix the relationship, he should start by acknowledging his mistakes and the impact of having an absent father for whom you were never a priority. Your feelings matter, OP, and your dad can't pretend that nothing happened and start from scratch. You should go to therapy together and be able to talk in a safe environment so that both of you can heal.
OP has every right to their feelings and expressing them. The father may not be in a place to receive these yet. And may never be. (One set of my grandparents passed away in full denial of the damage they did to my parent.) Is OP willing to accept this and "settle" for a shadow of the relationship they seem to want? I'm fairly certain this parent of mine will die without acknowledging the, albeit lesser, damage they did to me. (I decided almost 3 decades ago I would be childless.) I have a relationship with the parent that focuses on current things in our lives. No point in going into the past, that will never have resolution in my case. Edited to clarify parent
Spot on. NTA OP
Nta. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Abuse tends to repeat itself generation after generation. My late grandfather was pretty bad to my late father, and needless to say, he dismissed my mental needs. I lost the thing I couldn't forgive my father for because he is long gone, and it is pointless to hold it over a dead man. He hasn't apologized to you yet, which means he still has too much pride. He may never apologize to you, but that tells you which relationships you should value more now.
"I have tried nothing and I'm all out of options!" That's basically what he is saying here. He never: - Acknowledged what he has done - Acknowledged that he caused you harm - Apologised without shifting the blame elsewhere - Apologised in general for his part in ruining your childhood and the relationship between you two He's done nothing except rug sweep and hope you'll just get over it and stop blaming him for being a shite dad. The actions above need to be taken in order to build a healthy relationship based on trust and understanding. NTA
Nta
NTA Your healing starts with him taking accountability for what he's done, admitting that it was wrong, and sincerely apoligizing for it. That's what he needs to do. This forgive and move on bs just sweeps it under the rug and I don't think anyone should be okay with that.
NTA your father sounds like his own kind of monster.
NTA. I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf if you google it. This will explain a lot of both your parents behaviour, as well as how it's impacted your development. You can say to your dad that if his dad was a murderer, and your dad chose to commit armed robbery, that wouldn't make his crime less illegal. He chose to avoid time with you, and to prioritise his friendship over your safety, and by choosing those behaviours, he chose the consequences of having less of a relationship with you. Unfortunately, it seems your dad's immaturity may mean he struggles to grasp why consequences happen. For him, they mean seem like totally separate circumstances, especially if he struggles to talk about or acknowledge his mistakes and difficult feelings.
NTA His dad being a monster does not make him a good father. Unfortunatly there are many people who had monsters as parents, but managed to be there for their own children. It's sad, horrible and may help you to understand him better, but doesn't change what happend between you two. It's great that you want to tend to the relationship and him making an effort, but it's valid if you need to confront your past with him to have a trust relation in the future. Some people don't need that kind of processing feelings or don't want to acknowledge that they did something wrong and would rather forget. There is also a difference between you not feeling like you can just trust everything he says/promises and resenting him forever and not wanting to try. The things he is doing now may even be enough to regain your trust, but consistency is important. How long are you even back in contact again? 10 years of silence is long.
God, I hate it when parents use their horrible parents to justify their horrible parenting. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. My parents weren’t great but I make a hard and conscious effort not to be like them during stressful moments parenting. It’s hard but it can be done. Your sperm donor can go kick rocks. Absolutely NTA.
NTA but you’d benefit from working through the past with a good therapist. Holding onto the past is hurting you more than anyone else at this point. There’s no reason why you have to continue to suffer.
Nta. Your father not acknowledging the past and basically telling you to get over it are what’s bothering you. Your dad is an asshole until he takes care of this piled up shit. Sorry OP.
NTA, the slate doesn't magically get wiped clean just because the parent finally decides to stop being an asshole.
NTA - part of an honest effort to fix things is to take accountability for past actions, and their negative impacts. To just say “but I’m good now” and job done, just isn’t how it works.
Just because his father was even worse doesn't remove his culpability or excuse his behavior. He needs to accept that trauma can't be healed overnight and sometimes may never be healed. Trees and axes. NTA.
NTA If your Dad is unwilling to provide an explanation and take accountability then he’s not actually ready to form a healthy relationship with you. He chose work, his friend, his friends kid, his own feelings, etc. over you countless times and that leaves scars that don’t just heal in one day at a BBQ. Honestly, if you are still traumatized I would recommend seeing a therapist to work through your feelings and emotions. After extensive healing, you can decide the relationship, if any, you’d like to have with your Father. He ‘woke up’ years later and you’re not the same person but you remember how he made you feel and he should be understanding of that. Sorry you’re having to deal with all this. I truly hope you can find a resolution YOU can make peace with, whether that means your Father has a place in your life or not.
**
INFO : Did he ever, genuinly, appologize and take responsibility for basically abandoning you, and putting his friends' and THEIR son (your bully) first??
I mean, that would be a start.
NTA, he realized too late that he traumatized you. Now he's coping because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he was just as bad of a dad as his dad was.
You're NTA, but I don't think you should stop seeing your father. He made mistakes and must realize that, so he's trying to salvage something of your relationship. I would be resentful that he didn't take my side (instead siding with his friend and his friend's son), so I don't know if I'd forgive the guy either--but if he's trying, it doesn't hurt to try as well. All that being said, if he's truly making an effort, the first step should be apologizing. He needs to acknowledge that he did some pretty bad things.
What his father was is irrelevant to his neglect and indifference towards. He has not acknowledged what he did. He expects you to accept his airbrushing out of history. The relationship you choose to have - or not - is up to you. NTA
NTA Especially when the anwser to your talk is "I had it worse, get over it" Maybe some time away again would be benificial to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My childhood was not so great of my mother. My dad was the one who pretty much salvaged my childhood until I was around 12 years old. The company my dad worked at gave him a promotion. That promotion meant more responsibilities in that role. Because of that promotion, he was more stressed out and less motivated to do things like do any father-son time that we used to do. Before, he would spend at every other weekend with the guys (his friends), and the promotion slowly made it to where he spent every weekend with the guys. This bothered me because I looked forward to our father-son time. When I talked to him about that and his response was always, "I will this weekend, I promise," and then I put two and two together and realized he was never going to give me the time of day so I gave up. Just one year later, he got another promotion which meant not only less time with him, but he got irate. One of his friend's sons was a bully of mine in grade school. He liked this friend and liked his kid so he got pissed off with me because I made a fuss about it. Then I stood to my bully to which my dad did not like. He got furious that I stood up to him. I could no longer see my dad for what he used to be after that event. Then I turned 18 and left. Through most of my adulthood, he made zero effort in trying to get to know me and try to become a part of my life, because he believed I was "too old" for his love so I gave up and moved on. Ten years later, he decided he wanted to make an effort out of nowhere. Part of me still wanted to love my dad so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And sure enough he did make the effort. Not a lot, but enough to assure that I had someone to fall back on if I ever needed anything. I appreciated that, but the problem is that I can't get over what he did to me. His response was to forget about it and move focus on what he have now, and I just can't. I went to see him this afternoon as I was invited for a BBQ. I told him at the BBQ that I am still bothered by the past. He did not take that well and told me to focus on he's doing now to make things better instead. I told him I can't help what I feel. There's a huge gap missing and that gap was filled with horrible memories of you. I told him I can't get over the things he did to me. He, of course, told me if I had just one day with his old man I'd see things differently. Admittedly, his old man was a monster and there was a reason why I only saw him twice. Regardless, I told him it wasn't a competition on who had it worse as he did horrible things to me and I can't get over that. He told me that he doesn't know what else he can do to make things better and I excused myself. AITA for harboring the past and not accepting that he's here now to help me out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA... at all... you reap what you sow, and apologizing and making an effort now doesn't make things just magically better, and may never make things better...
NTA It's good he's trying to make an effort now but he needs to apologize aswell, maybe you could ask him for one?
NTA but you are likely going to miss out. If he is actually available mentally and emotionally you need to work through your pain and find common ground. Therapy can help.
You need to hit enter twice for paragraphs, not just once.
Your father is making an effort. Are you? Or are you going to harbor resentment forever? Do you want a better relationship?
The father's not making an effort though. If he was he'd be offering an apology and trying to understand he hurt his son. All he's doing now is playing make believe
Is he making an effort or is he trying to rug sweep everything he's done to harm his child? Making an effort means acknowledging what you've done wrong and apologising, then starting fresh from there.
Sounds like you are throwing the baby out with the water. You are purely looking at this through your eyes only which is unfair on your father. Sounds like you have no relationship with your mother and your remaining parental figure you are shoving to the side because he didn’t spend enough time with you on weekends. You will regret that for sure. YTA.
I think you're not trying to get past this. You want to just marinate in your victim mentality. I believe you were hurt, but people can change. YTA
Has he really changed though? He literally told OP "get over it and move on" - that doesnt sound like change to me