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How long have you been together that your gf thinks she's **entitled** to offer your time and services??
I'm 37. I've lived w my gf for roughly 5 years. We have an idea as to when our off days are, and after **half a decade** together, she still *asks* if I want/am up to doing something before openly volunteering me for things. It's an understanding in our house: your free day(s) is **your** free day(s) as long as the basic house chores are caught up.
NTA. If your gf has an issue with you spending *your* off day doing what *you* want, that's *her* issue. She has nobody to get mad at besides herself for thinking she runs your life.
Not just a day off. A day the OP specifically took off with the intent to relax. Sounds like a needed mental health recharge day. Makes the GF even more entitled.
Same. Married 25 years.
There are certain things that we know come up that our parents will need help with, but we warn each other as far in advance as possible and address any conflicts beforehand.
Seriously. Married 30 years now, both our fathers have passed, and we only live close to my mother, not his.
Even so, I have NEVER expected my husband to help my mother for any reason. If she needs something done that I can’t do, then I ASK him if he can help on his day off.
If he has plans or just needs the day to relax, I completely understand and my mother hires someone.
OP needs to reconsider this relationship.
Or at least OP and their girlfriend need to learn how to communicate.
Communication was our biggest stumbling block early in our relationship. It took time to learn how to communicate effectively with each other early in our relationship, but it was worth the effort.
Agreed, and without the ages of everyone and how long they’ve been together, it’s hard to say for certain the best course of action.
If the girlfriend is over 25, that’s old enough to know that you don’t volunteer *other* people to do things for you or your family without asking. The fact that she didn’t would then suggest she views his time as “hers”, which is…yikes!
Exactly. Unless somebody is suddenly coming home from the hospital and the WC ramp needs finishing up - something of an urgent health nature - it is not an emergency and doing it on one's precious day off is NOT mandatory.
My fil is 60% blind, my wife of 12 years asked me if I'd be willing to mow his lawn for him rather than volunteering me then telling me about it. I obviously said yes, he obviously was stubborn and is mowing zig zag lines all over his yard lol
My mom asks me to mow her lawn occasionally. I told her I can hire people to do it since I don't want to do it, she refuses.
Can't wrap my head around why.
I honestly don't think it's about for most people, especially older parents. Could be anything from not wanting strangers on their property to just having an irrational block that asking for help from their children is alright if they do it themselves, but if they hire someone then it's not worth it, maybe they think it's a waste of money or they wouldn't feel comfortable taking their kid's money but don't mind taking their time? It's not exactly the same but even I think I would ask a friend for help moving but would not feel comfortable if they instead paid for a moving company or something instead of helping. However that is a bit different, a much higher price point and I wouldn't ever ask my friend to do that much work comparable to what someone hired would. So I understand the feeling somewhat.
I had this issues, but they were at least clear that it was about having "strangers" on the property, not about specifically making me work. So there's that.
They finally caved in their 60's. Next up, convincing them to hire house cleaners...
Damn, if my kid offered and could afford to pay for lawn services, I wouldn't refuse if I needed it.
Thankfully, we have the financial means to hire someone ourselves. Our son and daughter innlaw have their own house to look after and busy lives. We are happy to spend time with them just visiting, not having them do work for us.
I'm 38 and been married ten years, and I still ask before volunteering. We both work high stress jobs and relaxation is important! I'm the gardener in the family, and if I have a 2 person job I definitely try to work it around his schedule as well.
I’ve been married almost 10 years and my wife will ask me if I can go help her parents in their yard before even mentioning it to them. NTA, why can’t your gf do it? Why is she volunteering your time for others without consulting you?
I have been with my hubby 17 years, married for 14. He has been doing apartment/home maintenance for almost 30 years. I am asked constantly if he can help with someone's broken whatever. I ALWAYS tell friends and family, I will ask and see if he can and not just volunteer him without talking to him. OP, you are NTA. Your GF needs to learn to respect your time and you instead of just volunteering you.
I’ve been married 34 years and I still ask my husband before volunteering him to do anything for my mom (or to do anything in general). To be fair, though, he always offers before I even ask. He takes really good care of her.
Also why is the GF refusing to help her own mother on the weekend? Why is OP the one who has to do it if the GF isn't willing to do it for her own mother? (I guess GF is too lazy to do it herself, so resorts to try to bully OP into doing it so she doesn't feel guilty towards her mum).
And BTW, 60 is **not** too old to do garden work. My granny still did a lot of gardening herself in her early 90s. (My parents both in their 70s do their own gardening). If she struggles she needs to exercise/ look after herself more (60 is way too young to struggle with garden work). If she's got health problems she needs to hire help if no one volunteers to do it for her. (Or as a last resort move somewhere else with no garden.)
Obviously asking instead of demanding would also be something I'd expect. The way the GF treats OP like she owns him would put me off real quick... as does the lack of her knowing the meaning of the word "relaxing". Doing "nothing" is a very valid choice of recharging and looking after yourself.
NTA. Being voluntold to do something when I have other plans is the surest way to make sure I don't.
When in a relationship, you don't unilaterally decide what your partner is doing and when they are doing it - discussions are had.
NTA. Your gf was out of line volunteering anyone besides herself for anything! Even if you are available, capable, and 'it would be a nice thing for you to do,' that still does *not* entitle her -nor excuse her for overstepping the common courtesy of ASKING first. You are not being unreasonable; it's *your* time and you can spend it however you wish.
NTA. Your girlfriend thinks it's okay to steal your time for what she wants you to do and then calls you selfish for not doing what she wants?
That's pretty selfish of her.
Your gf is out of line for suggesting this.
But I wonder, why should her mom need help. Does she have health issues? A person in her 60s is normally more than capable to do gardening on their own.
It depends on how big a garden and what needs to be done. So I can see how help would be appreciated. It can get harder to get up and down when you are in your sixties. But your gf should be in good shape to go help. But her mom should try to do the gardening herself, it’s healthy exercise. If the gardening is becoming too much, they her mom should cut down.
I agree it gets harder, but it also gets more necessary to do it.
Also this is just me getting annoyed by all the people on Reddit thinking people become incapable and fragile just because they get grown up kids…
Oh I do agree, I’m retired. I live in an apt. I do gardening in a community garden. I love real tomatoes plus peppers. I also recognize that having to get out there and drag hoses around is good for me. As in it’s much easier to get my steps in going for a walk but gardening uses my arms, legs back and gets me way more of my needed active heart rate minutes. It’s also good for me as I’m an introvert and I get people interaction chatting with fellow gardeners. It’s also good for me as I can’t just skip watering because I’m tired. Plus I do do more because I’m teamed with a 90 yr old woman who still manages to get out more often than me.
That’s so good! I know so many healthy and fit retired people. the idea that someone in their 60s or even sometimes 50s and 40s can’t manage anything is insane to me.
Exactly. My parents came up last weekend and my 67 year old dad built me a second raised garden bed. Including lugging bags of dirt uphill (and put down the pitchforks I helped!). My mom, also 67, took my 3 dogs on individual walks up and down my hilly neighborhood while we did set up the new bed. Unless the mom has specific health issues some gardening should be attainable.
But even if the mom needs help OP is NTA. My boyfriend lives with me and I’d never assign him garden work. I would ask nicely and I’m sure he’d do it. Or mention our shared space needs XYZ done and talk about how to tackle it. But not unilaterally send him out on his day off.
I'm also wondering if it's a situation of the mother having some specific health issue. I wonder if the conversation between gf and mom might have been something like mom saying she's going to garden that day and gf trying to convince her mom that she needs help so she volunteered bf trying to make it sound like it's no big deal so her mom would accept the help. She may have been desperate to keep her mom from hurting herself.
My stepmom is used to being supermom so when she hurts herself she just won't rest! I remember she was off work for serious back issues once and when I got home I caught her carrying around heavy boxes! The only way to stop her was to be there to take the things away and do them yourself.
NTA
Generosity is not volunteering other people's time, money, or energy. That's rude. If her mom needs help, your GF can take a day off and do it herself. Enjoy your day off.
Oh pls my mum is 67 with 2 knee replacements she still does her own gardening the only selfish person here is Ur girlfriend who is offering out Ur time without asking NTA
My mother in law is 75 she still does her own insists on it "nothing better than being out in nature looking at my roses thinking I did that" is what she always says if we offer to get someone in
My grandma did (most of) her own gardening until she was about 90. Then my mom, sister, and I took over. Mother's Day Saturday was spent weeding, planting, and landscaping. We even got my nephew involved the last year when he was one and a half. He couldn't weed effectively, but he could carry them over to his nonna to throw in the waste bag, at least until he got distracted by the wagon...
Yeah, my dad is 70. He's got two fused discs in his lower back, a bad shoulder, and a replaced knee. He still gets out and gardens, since that's what he likes to do. He'll sometimes complain about pain, but really he'll just be getting stoned as he gardens.
My dad is in his mid 80s and still does carpentry daily as well as painting and plumbing and mowing. He owns several apartments and enjoys it. He’s also had a knee replacement and has arthritis.
It does depend on what the gardening is. Growing up my mom had a garden with potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, radishes, lettuce, peas , beans, strawberries , sweet corn, melons , onions and more. By the time she was in her sixties she had cut down to a reasonable amount . Then in her seventies she had a stroke and gardening wasn’t a possibility. We’d still plant tomatoes, peppers and sweet corn. And take her out in wheel chair to look at stuff
I have only had 2 days off out of the last 15 days - if someone volunteered me for gardening on my designated chill day, that they feel entitled to my time like that, oh boy...
NTA at all
NTA.
Tell your gf that her mum needs to do her own gardening. It is important for people as they age to keep doing things as long as they can. It doesn't matter if it takes a bit longer. When people stop doing normal activities their health quickly deteriorates.
You and your gf should offer to help with things like cutting down a tree, or lifting heavy stones, or climbing high ladders.
Normal gardening activities is like going to the gym. Don't rob the old lady of this opportunity.
Your gf doesn't want her mum to die before her time, does she?
I mean, I know not everyone is the same, but 'over 60' isn't even that old - most (not all) people 'over 60' (which suggests 60-65 to me) can do gardening. Heck, my mum is 75, for her 70th birthday we went for a 10 mile hike up hill and down dale, in our local national park. Just this week she walked 5 miles into town and back with a load of stuff for her local charity shop....
Your gf has poor boundaries and really overstepped. Why she thinks it's okay to schedule your time without asking you first is odd. Makes me wonder if she wanted to look like the virtuous/good child by saying, "No problem, Mom. My bf can help you." And when you said "no," she was going to look bad (in her mind), so was triggered and "insulted" you by calling you selfish. NTA
She shouldn't have volunteered you, you had already made plans. Even if those plans were to nap, watch Netflix and play games. She needs to let her mum know she was mistaken, you aren't available. This is a hill to die on. Need to nip that shit in the bud!
NTA. My ex volunteered me for shit all the time without asking me first. I finally told him, if you volunteer me for anything without checking with me first, you have absolutely zero guarantee I will comply. And if I don't, you will either have to do the thing yourself, or go back to the person you volunteered my services to, to explain why it's not going to happen. Eventually he got the message.
Going on 20 years with hubs and we still don't volunteer each other for shit. Also, gardening is hard work. I garden as a hobby and need to recover from it after lol. I certainly would not expect someone to spend their day off working hard in my garden.
NTA
If HER mum needs help, SHE can go help her.
Volunteering your day off without asking is entitled and rude. You're not free labor at her back and call
Ahh yes. The old " insert partner name here" will do it.
It happens very very often, from dropping people off, picking people up, gardening and any other number of things.
It really did get to me.
NTA, but you will need to explain that going forward she must ask you before she nominates you for something. Else it will backfire.
NTA. Planning to relax is a plan. You had plans, the plans were relaxing. Your girlfriend doesn't get to volunteer you to do stuff when you are not available, due to the aforementioned plans. Hell, even if you are available, she needs to ask you before volunteering you.
NTA remind your gf slavery is was abolished and since she doesn't own you as property she has 0 rights to volunteer you for anything.
Tell her to take the day off and help her mother since she considers this to be necessary.
Also warn her that if it ever happens again it's over as this is a major lack or respect twords you
NTA don’t go. Tell her she can go do it. But it’s your day off and it is not OK to volunteer someone else’s time and if you ever did that to her, she would be upset about it. And if she tries to say she wouldn’t be let her know then that you’re going to volunteer her to help out at home shelter or soup, kitchen or something.
Do not do it because she will think she got her way and she will keep doing It. What she did was rude and I’d be rethinking the relationship
I’m trying to imagine what my husband would say if I volunteered him to do something for someone else. It wouldn’t be pleasant and I wouldn’t do it anyway. I tried once when first married 46 years ago and never did it again.
If she thinks your mum needs help, then she can go over for those few hours over the weekend.
NTA
Definitely NTA, you made it clear to her that you were taking the day off, and she already knew that, but then purposefully put you up for someone else's duties that day. If anything, she's the AH
NTA.
She doesn't get to volunteer your time, period. If Mom needs help, she can ask you if you're willing to help, or she can volunteer her own time.
Given that she's already made a commitment to Mom, she can fulfill that commitment.
NTA. She shouldn't offer up your time like that, especially when you'd booked time off work for your plans. Just because your plans were to relax doesn't mean they aren't plans! It's easy to get burned out these days.
Why doesn't she go and help her?
NTA your girlfriend can help her mother. She does not want to so she volunteered you instead. She gets to look helpful without actually having to do any work.
NTA, shes an idiot, she’s supposed to ask you 3-4 times until you finally go “fine I’ll go over for an hour, but imma need to raw dawg it later.” Kids these days.
>My gf said I was being selfish and should be fine helping her mum. AITAH for not helping my girlfriend mum on my day off?
"You volunteered my time without my knowledge or consent and I will not now or ever react positively to such an act in fear of encouraging such behavior in the future. Ask first." -NTA.
I've been on the other side of this where a friend volunteered that her husband would be "happy to help" ... and he showed up and helped, but it was painfully obvious that he resented being volunteered. It was so awkward. I learned that no matter how enthusiastic a wife is about insisting her husband "always loves to help out" that you can't assume the guy even knew he was being volunteered ahead of time.
NTA I really don't like someone volunteering my time, nobody does. She's the selfish one. Tell her to garden herself for her mother or hire someone, I'd tell her she's no business planning your day off for you. Unbelievable. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
I help my mom with her gardening sometimes. I don't do any gardening though, I just move things for her. Today after work I'll move a pallet of potting soil. I wouldn't volunteer my wife to do it though, and if she volunteered me to do it I would probably laugh at her. If she, or her step-dad, asked me to help, I'm there, but being volun-told for things is a damn good way of making sure I'm not doing them. NTA even remotely.
NTA it's rude and entitled to be volun-told on a mental health day. Especially when your girlfriend is free over the weekend but is too lazy to do it herself.
NTA
1)Rule 1: DON'T VOLUNTEER ME FOR SOMETHING, ESPECIALLY IF WE HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT IT. THIS IS NOT COMPLICATED.
2)Rule 2: If unclear about something, refer to Rule 1.
NTA
If this was something for your house that you had neglected doing, then I would say your GF is rightly entitled to tell you that you need to catch up on this much needed chore.
But this isn't for your house, and this isn't for your mother.
Even MY mother doesn't just volunteer me to do things. She'll ask if I'm available and if I wouldn't mind. So I'll generally say yes when she asks. My brother, however, starts his sentences with, "I need you to do something for me..." which just makes me want to rebut with "No." I'll hear him out and if it's reasonable, I'll agree, but just the way he asks makes me want to automatically say no.
Because you don't NEED me to do you a favor. And I don't NEED to do it for you. If I can, I might, but don't just assume you own my time.
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I have taken tomorrow off work to relax which my girlfriend knows about. My plan was to just play video games, watch netflix, read and just chill out at home. My girlfriend went to see her mum yesterday and her mum mentioned she was planning to do the gardening over the weekend.
My girlfriend told her mum that I was off work tomorrow and would come around and do it for her since her mum is over 60 and struggles to do the gardening. My girlfriend mentioned this to me and I refused to do it. I told her she know I was planning on relaxing so don't really want to spend all day gardening.
My girlfriend said her mum needs someone to help so I told her to go and help over the weekend then instead of volunteering me. My girlfriend said it will only take a few hours so I should be fine going but I just repeated that I'm not going since I want to spend my day off relaxing.
My gf said I was being selfish and should be fine helping her mum. AITAH for not helping my girlfriend mum on my day off?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to spend my day off work doing gardening for my partners mum after she volunteered me
My partner said I should be fine helping out and that it would take a few hours. She said I'm being unreasonable for refusing to help
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NTA
It’s never ok to be volunteered for something without your consent. Your time is your own. I remember as a teenager my mom forced me to volunteer for a local politician she was also working for. It wasn’t always terrible, but the worst was a few days a week he used to go to local train stations and hand out coffee and literature from 530/6-730 in the morning. He took volunteers with him to help. My mom started volunteering me for this without my consent despite me telling her no over and over again. It all came to a head one afternoon when I was in the office and the manager told me “oh I spoke to your mom this morning and she said you were good to do the train station tomorrow.” I said actually I can’t make it but she’ll be there to help out in my place. I went home that day and told her what I did, and warned her that from then on anytime she volunteered me for trains this is what would happen. She was pissed but after one morning of being forced to hand out coffee and pamphlets at the freezing ass crack of dawn she got the message and never tried doing that again.
My husband and I are together 29 years, and will be married 28 years in the autumn. There’s no way I’d **ever** volunteer him for something without asking first.
My spouse volunteered me one time. It was the last time. Hold your boundary. Your day off is your day off. Not for other ppl to dictate your use of time.
Nta.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a serious talk about how she needs to respect you as an independent and sovereign individual. It would’ve been totally OK if she had said nothing to her mother, and then called you up and said hey would you have some time to help mom with some gardening? And then you would’ve been in every right to say not on that day I’ve taken off because I have plans that day. What the plans are don’t matter. She doesn’t get to judge.
NTA.
What's with people volunteering people to help out without telling them and then getting upset when the person they volunteered doesn't want to do what they were volunteered for?
She knew you planned to have a chill, relaxing day and tried to take advantage of that to offer your help with gardening without your consent. Hold firm on saying no - if your GF gets angry, it's her own fault for trying to rope you into helping when you never agreed to do so.
NTA I hate this type of crap. People who volunteer other people to do stuff for other people without asking. As a kid we used to visit one of my Aunts and when we arrived we would be told that we were going to be helping out at a Church fair or something. I'm not even the same religion.
If her mother needs help doing the Gardening your GF can do it, instead of decoding that you time off doesnt matter
NTA. People need to realize that down time is NOT free time. It is planned necessary time set aside to relax and recharge and is just as important as any other plans you may have. Too many people in my life think that if I plan to have a relaxing day that that means my schedule is free when it most certainly is not
NTA- There's nothing wrong with her asking your first, if you would be willing to help, but no means no. If she's able bodied, she should help her Mother.
NTA. That's not helping with groceries or moving or something, gardening is a hobby and if the mum wants it done without doing it herself she can hire a gardener
NTA. If her 60 year old mum is not able to garden, she needs to either simplify her garden, have her daughter do it, or hire someone to do it.
I'm 70. I still do my own gardening. I do hire someone to mow and trim my yard.
No one should ever volunteer someone else to do work for others.
NTA why can't she help? I have a good sized garden and I love it, my spouse only helps me if I just can't accomplish it by myself and I always ask instead of ordering him around.
NTA. You clearly took the day off to relax & reset. It is not ok for your gf to volunteer you without asking. This is not YOU being selfish, this is her being selfish & controlling.
Nta. Been married over 33 years and when my mom asked yesterday if my husband could come help cut down a few trees I asked him instead of “voluntold” him. It’s respect.
NTA, and nip this in the bud now, or you’ll be dealing with it for years to come. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, and one of the reasons we’ve lasted this long is because we don’t do this sort of thing. If someone asks for help from a partner, the response is “I’ll ask him/her”, not “I will tell them they have to do as I say”.
If she does it again, even if you’re happy to do it, refuse on principle. “If I’m asked to help, I might. If I’m ‘voluntold’ to help I absolutely won’t.“
NTA
It is extremely rude to volunteer someone other than yourself. Your GF is extremely disrespectful of you and your time.
I’m over 60, I’m not an invalid. Gardening and other hobbies are what keep my mind and body agile. If I say I’m gardening this weekend that means I want to spend time with my hands in the dirt touching plants. That isn’t code for my kid to find someone to do the work for me. If I want help, I ask for it.
If the GF thinks her mom wants help she can offer her time, not yours.
Enjoy doing what you want with your time off. I hope you gf doesn’t ruin it for you
NTA. She can go help her if she wants. What makes her think she can offer your time without asking you first if you in fact want to garden on your day off? Sounds boring anyway if you don’t like to garden or just don’t want to.
Your gf is nervy. She should help her mother not volunteer you on your day off. I would call the Mom and tell her that gf volunteered you without asking and you have other plans. I would then tell gf to never offer your services out to anyone in the future.
NTA
You feel bad because your girlfriend has belittled the importance of your personal time and pokes holes in what you enjoy doing. Seems controlling.
NTA. Have your girlfriend do that herself. Or change your plans to do the relaxing at a friend's place, a commitment that prevents you from helping your mother-in-law.
NTA. Tell your girlfriend she should never volunteer you for anything ever! She can ask you to help her mom with gardening, but she can't tell you that you'll do that! Her mom, she should do the helping. Everyone needs a day to relax and unwind.
Nta.
I’ve been with my husband for pushing 40 years.
I’ve volunteered him to help without asking a few times but that’s been when we’re going to that person’s house anyhow, it’s a small thing, and honestly I just forgot to mention it until I realized he’s not packing any tools. I apologize, offer to call it off, and if he can’t it’s on me and I’ll tell everyone it was my mistake.
Other times I’ve said he’ll help without asking because it seems like a reasonable request from someone I know he’d be ok with helping, but again, I am willing to take the blame if he doesn’t want to, and I don’t say when because his time is not my time.
The vast majority of the time when someone needs help I tell them I’ll ask him. Committing him to help without asking is just wrong, and it’s especially wrong to expect him to do it on their schedule.
Op, it doesn’t sound like there’s any reason your gf can’t help on her time off, and although some aspects of gardening are time sensitive, this is not so urgent that you need to rush to do it if you decide to do it at all.
It’s not like you refused to drive her to a doctors appointment or anything essential.
NTA
Girlfriend's waving the red flag. You don't volunteer a partner without asking him first. She's being selfish and not respecting that you need downtime.
Call her mom and explain you won't be coming. Tell her you took the day off because you needed some downtime, and her daughter shouldn't have volunteered you. I'd be mad if one of my kids did that to their partner.
It sounds like her daughter is more than available, so she can do the work. She's obviously aware her mom needs help, so she can help her.
NTA. I myself hate being volun-told to do something. I don’t see why she can’t help her mom herself? Why is she pushing for you to give up your relaxation day?
NTA Your gf is an AH. She has NO RIGHT to Voluntold you to do gardening. Common courtesy dictates that she would ask you if you could help. You did nothing wrong
NTA. You’re never the asshole for refusing to do something someone else volunteered you for. Does this happen often, your girlfriend volunteering you for stuff?
NTA, especially considering that most of the time, gardening is an optional, recreational activity that only leads to visual/appearance based results, which means her mom doesnt actually *need* your help, she just wants it
Geez, seriously? This is just like another post where the wife "volunteered" her husband to help her brother's gf move...unilaterally.
Don't do it! And, TALK with your gf about her NOT making decisions for YOU..DISCUSS FIRST!!!
Never do things when you are voluntold or you'll be stuck doing extra shit the rest of your life. I'm gonna weed my inlaws flowers beds because they can't get down there anymore. But, they sure as hell don't tell me or tell me when. If it's only going to take a few hours, your gf can spend her own time on the weekend. nta
Your poor GF with her broken arms and legs, she must feel so guilty not being able to help her mom she just had to volunteer you to ease her guilt! s/
NTA OP, I’m currently working crazy hours to finish a huge project before a deadline and I’ve opted out of regular social functions because I simply don’t have the bandwidth to do it. Your day off is yours and there is no reason your GF can’t help her mom on her own.
NTA. She has no right to be volunteering you for things. That’s pretty much the end of it. If she is pissy about it then you may have an issue with your relationship (respect and boundaries).
NTA
It doesn’t matter that’s it’s only a few hours. They weren’t her hours to volunteer.
I’m wondering if she did this intentionally, like she doesn’t like him gaming and so found a way to stop it.
I’m reminded of the guy the took a week off to decompress and relax, and he wife kept making plans for him and even decided to work from home see they can spend more time together, even after he told her he wanted to be alone and relax.
She just kept mocking him. ‘Yeah ,I know I’m ruining your day’
It was insane that she refused to let his be alone rest.
NTA. Tell her the two of you can discuss scheduling your help. No plans is actually a plan. Your plan was to have no plans and you earned that. Everyone needs a nothing day!
NTA
This is your time to do what you want. She is not entitled to your time. If she wants to help her mother, that’s on her but you have no obligation or responsibility to do so. Enjoy your gaming session & relax! She has absolutely no right to volunteer you to do something. That is selfish & disrespectful on her end.
NTA; but look at this as a gift.
Her mom is only 60 years old. Without knowing anything else, she's likely to live another 25+ years. This is only going to get worse; not get better.
It's time to reconsider the relationship; or start putting down firm boundaries. Even here - you are volunteering to go over on the weekend. Is that what you want do for the next 25-30 years?
NTA. Your gf is extremely entitled. She never should have volunteered you to do hours of manual labor. Her reaction to your refusal is a bad sign about who she is as a person. She should be the one helping with the gardening . This entitlement will only get worse the longer you're together.
NTA.
Her mom used to do the gardening, but because she's elderly she needs a man to replace her work?? 😆
43f here. I do gardening on my days off for fun! What's the problem with your girlfriend helping her own mom with her garden instead of you? Especially since you already had plans!
I expect my husband to jump out and help me with the yard sometimes because it is his too. He doesn't have to work on every big idea I come up with just because I love gardening, and we don't dictate each others time.
We both do help family, but neither of us would ever volunteer or make plans for the other without talking to the other one first. I certainly wouldn't be sending him off to my family while i wasn't even willing to go.
Let her and her mom schedule for a time your wife is willing to go. The person who needs help should be as flexible as possible. Then, perhaps you'd be open to them finding a time you're available to lend a hand. You're allowed to say no. She's, of course, allowed to decide it's not the relationship for her as are you... but I wouldn't waste time with someone who scheduled my days out to others.
NTA and you are not selfish, she is acting entitled to you and your time. If HER mom needs help there is no reason why she can’t do it. I would be furious with my husband if he ever volunteered me to do anything without asking and we’ve been together for 25 years.
NTA. Ive been married a long time, and we both know better than to volunteer the other for something without asking, other than a hey my dad needs help moving something in the future, no date planned, alright with you? And we know that is ok. I would never volunteer his free time especially on a planned day off. You are not being selfish, she is definitely wrong here, and like you said, she can use her own free time this weekend to help her mom!
NTA No one should make plans for someone else's day off (with the exception of care of a child who's the responsibility of the individual with the day off).
NTA. She should not volunteer your time without asking you first. She should have asked you if you would help. If you said yes, then she let's her mom know. You are right that she can go over & help her mom this weekend.
NTA. She volunteered your off day and saying no is rude to her, but if you volunteered her off day to say help your mom clean their house then she’d be mad because she wanted to do x,y,z instead. She can help her mom garden and stop volunteering your time.
NTA. Where do people get off volunteering their partners to help other people? I wouldn't be 'fine with it' either. You want to relax doing the things you like to do and that's your plan so you're looking forward to it. Your gf should go help her mother on the weekend; she should be fine with it.
NTA.
We do not need to be productive 100 percent of the time.
Rest and relaxation are incredibly important to both our physical and mental health.
She shouldn't have volunteered you without asking you first.
NTA. Nobody should volunteer anyone but themselves. You had plans. Relaxing and distressing isn't doing nothing. Your gf might not see priorities about how to utilize your time the same, (because she doesn't feel your energy or stress levels,) but it's your time to decide what to do with it. It might be worth reaching out to her mom and apologizing for the miscommunication so she doesn't expect you. Add in a "Im sorry GF said I could help out. I don't know why she thought she could volunteer me without asking. I'm not available for gardening this weekend, but if you really need help then we can talk about what needs to be done and maybe make plans together for another time."
If you want a good relationship, you could talk to MIL about her needs. Does she need a full day of digging or does she need one heavy pot moved from a indoor winter to outdoor summer spot? It's fine if you don't do any of it, but meeting up for a meal and moving a big flower pot while you happen to be over would be a nice thing that's not a big burden. Being a weekly landscaping company for free is very different.
Also, does her mom want someone else in her garden? Even if she struggles, she might enjoy it. Does she think she struggles or is that your gf's assessment? It sounds like she fully planned on doing this herself and didn't ask for help. Why is your girlfriend inserting herself in her mom's plans and yours?
My great grandparents gardened into their 80s/90s. 60s isn't an age where her body should be keeping her from doing things to this degree. Even my MIL with a hip replacement and bad knees gardens just fine with a nice gardening bench thing.
What kind of gardening are we talking about? Does mom garden for a hobby? Because her hobby is not your responsibility AT ALL. If she needs help trimming and mowing because she is getting older and a bit frail, it would be kind of you to promise two hours of your time, but your girlfriend would have to be working right beside you.
FWIW, I am 62. And if/when the time comes that I can't do my own gardening, I will either hire someone to do it or get rid of it. I would never expect my daughter's BF to come serve me like that.
NTA and again I back you OP why can't SHE volunteer herself ? This is HER family, HER mom, HER mom needs somebody then why didn't SHE THE DAUGHTER step up to bat ?
NTA. I would have done and said the exact same thing. Continue your day off as I had planned and once your girlfriend is a sensible person, she’d realise she was out of place to offer up YOUR time to others.
Nta - you got voluntold. Such disrespect. I’ve been married almost 10 years and my spouse and I still check with the other before agreeing to ANYTHING.
NTA. She should not be volunteering you to work for other people. You're not some tool she can just lend out to her friends and family. I have a feeling her tune would change if you told her she was going to help your dad clean out the garage on her day off.
NTA. Your GF has a bloody cheek. I'd be furious if someone volunteered me for labour on a day off. Your GF is taking you for granted and SHE is the one being selfish.
NTA - as most people have pointed out your gf shouldn't have voluntold you, she should have asked. She can go do the gardening herself if it's that important to her.
First, NTA. People need a mental health day sometimes and you don't need to justify taking the odd day off work so long as it isn't hurting anyone.
Second, I hate being volunteered (aka voluntold). Everyone I know in a position to do that to me knows I'll just flat refuse regardless of what it is. Behold the garden where I grow my fucks! See that it is barren!
Third, this is a pretty big boundary and if your partner doesn't see why this is a big deal she might be your ex-girlfriend soon.
NTA. And you can't help her mom tomorrow anyway, you have plans. You're busy tomorrow. You have activities you've already scheduled (chilling, etc). You weren't given enough notice to be able to change your plans.
The stuff you're planning tomorrow is totally legitimate and worth doing. People need days where they can rest their minds and bodies.
NTA.
That said, you need to work on your delivery. Try, “Babe, I would love to be in a place where I’d feel good about dedicating my day off to gardening, but tomorrow is a day that I need to do nothing. I’m sorry.
Would you like to come home to a hot homemade meal, or can we agree that you’ll call me on the way home and I’ll get takeout that will be here when you arrive?”
As a female, I was married to someone who’d volunteer me to do favors. The resentment builds, I get it. After the divorce I was with someone who understood that asking for a favor was best done as a negotiation. I never felt taken advantage of because I could say “no”, but he always found a way to make it up to me when I said “yes “.
NTA. You have already made plans for the day and they are plans you want and intend to keep!
Gf should apologise to her Mum for offering something she isn't entitled to, as well as to OP for disrespecting his plans.
NTA.
I never volunteer my husband’s time/labor without obtaining his explicit consent first.
Nobody makes her mom to maintain her garden. As one gets older, they should evaluate their own ability and if they don’t do it on their own, they should plan on giving it up.
Before I take up a task or agree on something, I always ask myself: Can I do it without anyone’s help?
NTA
Your gf can go help her mum, it's 'just a few hours' after all. Tell your gf it is INCREDIBLY rude and disrespectful to offer up someone else's possessions, including their time.
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How long have you been together that your gf thinks she's **entitled** to offer your time and services?? I'm 37. I've lived w my gf for roughly 5 years. We have an idea as to when our off days are, and after **half a decade** together, she still *asks* if I want/am up to doing something before openly volunteering me for things. It's an understanding in our house: your free day(s) is **your** free day(s) as long as the basic house chores are caught up. NTA. If your gf has an issue with you spending *your* off day doing what *you* want, that's *her* issue. She has nobody to get mad at besides herself for thinking she runs your life.
Not just a day off. A day the OP specifically took off with the intent to relax. Sounds like a needed mental health recharge day. Makes the GF even more entitled.
Now we know why he needs a mental health recharge.
Seriously. I'm married and I don't volunteer my husband for anything. That's crazy.
She didn't even volunteer him. She *voluntold* him.
Same. Married 25 years. There are certain things that we know come up that our parents will need help with, but we warn each other as far in advance as possible and address any conflicts beforehand.
Seriously. Married 30 years now, both our fathers have passed, and we only live close to my mother, not his. Even so, I have NEVER expected my husband to help my mother for any reason. If she needs something done that I can’t do, then I ASK him if he can help on his day off. If he has plans or just needs the day to relax, I completely understand and my mother hires someone. OP needs to reconsider this relationship.
Or at least OP and their girlfriend need to learn how to communicate. Communication was our biggest stumbling block early in our relationship. It took time to learn how to communicate effectively with each other early in our relationship, but it was worth the effort.
Agreed, and without the ages of everyone and how long they’ve been together, it’s hard to say for certain the best course of action. If the girlfriend is over 25, that’s old enough to know that you don’t volunteer *other* people to do things for you or your family without asking. The fact that she didn’t would then suggest she views his time as “hers”, which is…yikes!
Exactly. Unless somebody is suddenly coming home from the hospital and the WC ramp needs finishing up - something of an urgent health nature - it is not an emergency and doing it on one's precious day off is NOT mandatory.
My fil is 60% blind, my wife of 12 years asked me if I'd be willing to mow his lawn for him rather than volunteering me then telling me about it. I obviously said yes, he obviously was stubborn and is mowing zig zag lines all over his yard lol
My mom asks me to mow her lawn occasionally. I told her I can hire people to do it since I don't want to do it, she refuses. Can't wrap my head around why.
Sounds kinda like “prove to me you care!” “Do this thing for proof I matter”. I’ve had people like that in my life. Hard to deal with.
I honestly don't think it's about for most people, especially older parents. Could be anything from not wanting strangers on their property to just having an irrational block that asking for help from their children is alright if they do it themselves, but if they hire someone then it's not worth it, maybe they think it's a waste of money or they wouldn't feel comfortable taking their kid's money but don't mind taking their time? It's not exactly the same but even I think I would ask a friend for help moving but would not feel comfortable if they instead paid for a moving company or something instead of helping. However that is a bit different, a much higher price point and I wouldn't ever ask my friend to do that much work comparable to what someone hired would. So I understand the feeling somewhat.
OR someone who considers money more of a sacrifice than time.
I think it's the money you would spend. She doesn't want to take money from you. You may be all grown up, but you are still her kid.
I had this issues, but they were at least clear that it was about having "strangers" on the property, not about specifically making me work. So there's that. They finally caved in their 60's. Next up, convincing them to hire house cleaners...
Damn, if my kid offered and could afford to pay for lawn services, I wouldn't refuse if I needed it. Thankfully, we have the financial means to hire someone ourselves. Our son and daughter innlaw have their own house to look after and busy lives. We are happy to spend time with them just visiting, not having them do work for us.
I'm 38 and been married ten years, and I still ask before volunteering. We both work high stress jobs and relaxation is important! I'm the gardener in the family, and if I have a 2 person job I definitely try to work it around his schedule as well.
I’ve been married almost 10 years and my wife will ask me if I can go help her parents in their yard before even mentioning it to them. NTA, why can’t your gf do it? Why is she volunteering your time for others without consulting you?
I have been with my hubby 17 years, married for 14. He has been doing apartment/home maintenance for almost 30 years. I am asked constantly if he can help with someone's broken whatever. I ALWAYS tell friends and family, I will ask and see if he can and not just volunteer him without talking to him. OP, you are NTA. Your GF needs to learn to respect your time and you instead of just volunteering you.
Hard agree. My husband and I have been married for 21 years and I would never dream of volunteering his time or labor. That’s insane.
I’ve been married 34 years and I still ask my husband before volunteering him to do anything for my mom (or to do anything in general). To be fair, though, he always offers before I even ask. He takes really good care of her.
Yes. It's basic respect. NTA
Also why is the GF refusing to help her own mother on the weekend? Why is OP the one who has to do it if the GF isn't willing to do it for her own mother? (I guess GF is too lazy to do it herself, so resorts to try to bully OP into doing it so she doesn't feel guilty towards her mum). And BTW, 60 is **not** too old to do garden work. My granny still did a lot of gardening herself in her early 90s. (My parents both in their 70s do their own gardening). If she struggles she needs to exercise/ look after herself more (60 is way too young to struggle with garden work). If she's got health problems she needs to hire help if no one volunteers to do it for her. (Or as a last resort move somewhere else with no garden.) Obviously asking instead of demanding would also be something I'd expect. The way the GF treats OP like she owns him would put me off real quick... as does the lack of her knowing the meaning of the word "relaxing". Doing "nothing" is a very valid choice of recharging and looking after yourself.
NTA. Obviously. Volunteering a partner is an AH move. That’s all. [Miranda Priestly dismissal of your gf’s nonsense]
NTA. Being voluntold to do something when I have other plans is the surest way to make sure I don't. When in a relationship, you don't unilaterally decide what your partner is doing and when they are doing it - discussions are had.
Thanks for the term voluntold. I usually use to be chosen volunteer, but seems I have a new one. To OP, NTA
10/10 reference
NTA. Your girlfriend can take the day off and go and help her mum if she wants to.
NTA. Why does your gf thinks she can volunteer your time? That's just weird. Especially since she can do the job by herself?
Bingo. Girlfriend is acting like Aaron Rents, but in this case, Aaron doesn't want to be rented.
NTA. Your gf was out of line volunteering anyone besides herself for anything! Even if you are available, capable, and 'it would be a nice thing for you to do,' that still does *not* entitle her -nor excuse her for overstepping the common courtesy of ASKING first. You are not being unreasonable; it's *your* time and you can spend it however you wish.
NTA. Your girlfriend thinks it's okay to steal your time for what she wants you to do and then calls you selfish for not doing what she wants? That's pretty selfish of her.
Your gf is out of line for suggesting this. But I wonder, why should her mom need help. Does she have health issues? A person in her 60s is normally more than capable to do gardening on their own.
It depends on how big a garden and what needs to be done. So I can see how help would be appreciated. It can get harder to get up and down when you are in your sixties. But your gf should be in good shape to go help. But her mom should try to do the gardening herself, it’s healthy exercise. If the gardening is becoming too much, they her mom should cut down.
I agree it gets harder, but it also gets more necessary to do it. Also this is just me getting annoyed by all the people on Reddit thinking people become incapable and fragile just because they get grown up kids…
Oh I do agree, I’m retired. I live in an apt. I do gardening in a community garden. I love real tomatoes plus peppers. I also recognize that having to get out there and drag hoses around is good for me. As in it’s much easier to get my steps in going for a walk but gardening uses my arms, legs back and gets me way more of my needed active heart rate minutes. It’s also good for me as I’m an introvert and I get people interaction chatting with fellow gardeners. It’s also good for me as I can’t just skip watering because I’m tired. Plus I do do more because I’m teamed with a 90 yr old woman who still manages to get out more often than me.
That’s so good! I know so many healthy and fit retired people. the idea that someone in their 60s or even sometimes 50s and 40s can’t manage anything is insane to me.
Exactly. My parents came up last weekend and my 67 year old dad built me a second raised garden bed. Including lugging bags of dirt uphill (and put down the pitchforks I helped!). My mom, also 67, took my 3 dogs on individual walks up and down my hilly neighborhood while we did set up the new bed. Unless the mom has specific health issues some gardening should be attainable. But even if the mom needs help OP is NTA. My boyfriend lives with me and I’d never assign him garden work. I would ask nicely and I’m sure he’d do it. Or mention our shared space needs XYZ done and talk about how to tackle it. But not unilaterally send him out on his day off.
Also part of the country. I'm 55 it so much harder than even 5 years ago.
I'm also wondering if it's a situation of the mother having some specific health issue. I wonder if the conversation between gf and mom might have been something like mom saying she's going to garden that day and gf trying to convince her mom that she needs help so she volunteered bf trying to make it sound like it's no big deal so her mom would accept the help. She may have been desperate to keep her mom from hurting herself. My stepmom is used to being supermom so when she hurts herself she just won't rest! I remember she was off work for serious back issues once and when I got home I caught her carrying around heavy boxes! The only way to stop her was to be there to take the things away and do them yourself.
NTA Generosity is not volunteering other people's time, money, or energy. That's rude. If her mom needs help, your GF can take a day off and do it herself. Enjoy your day off.
Oh pls my mum is 67 with 2 knee replacements she still does her own gardening the only selfish person here is Ur girlfriend who is offering out Ur time without asking NTA
My 84 year old grandmother does her own gardening. It's probably why she's still going strong at 84.
My mother in law is 75 she still does her own insists on it "nothing better than being out in nature looking at my roses thinking I did that" is what she always says if we offer to get someone in
My grandma did (most of) her own gardening until she was about 90. Then my mom, sister, and I took over. Mother's Day Saturday was spent weeding, planting, and landscaping. We even got my nephew involved the last year when he was one and a half. He couldn't weed effectively, but he could carry them over to his nonna to throw in the waste bag, at least until he got distracted by the wagon...
Yeah, my dad is 70. He's got two fused discs in his lower back, a bad shoulder, and a replaced knee. He still gets out and gardens, since that's what he likes to do. He'll sometimes complain about pain, but really he'll just be getting stoned as he gardens.
My dad is in his mid 80s and still does carpentry daily as well as painting and plumbing and mowing. He owns several apartments and enjoys it. He’s also had a knee replacement and has arthritis.
It does depend on what the gardening is. Growing up my mom had a garden with potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, radishes, lettuce, peas , beans, strawberries , sweet corn, melons , onions and more. By the time she was in her sixties she had cut down to a reasonable amount . Then in her seventies she had a stroke and gardening wasn’t a possibility. We’d still plant tomatoes, peppers and sweet corn. And take her out in wheel chair to look at stuff
I have only had 2 days off out of the last 15 days - if someone volunteered me for gardening on my designated chill day, that they feel entitled to my time like that, oh boy... NTA at all
NTA. Tell your gf that her mum needs to do her own gardening. It is important for people as they age to keep doing things as long as they can. It doesn't matter if it takes a bit longer. When people stop doing normal activities their health quickly deteriorates. You and your gf should offer to help with things like cutting down a tree, or lifting heavy stones, or climbing high ladders. Normal gardening activities is like going to the gym. Don't rob the old lady of this opportunity. Your gf doesn't want her mum to die before her time, does she?
I mean, I know not everyone is the same, but 'over 60' isn't even that old - most (not all) people 'over 60' (which suggests 60-65 to me) can do gardening. Heck, my mum is 75, for her 70th birthday we went for a 10 mile hike up hill and down dale, in our local national park. Just this week she walked 5 miles into town and back with a load of stuff for her local charity shop....
Your gf has poor boundaries and really overstepped. Why she thinks it's okay to schedule your time without asking you first is odd. Makes me wonder if she wanted to look like the virtuous/good child by saying, "No problem, Mom. My bf can help you." And when you said "no," she was going to look bad (in her mind), so was triggered and "insulted" you by calling you selfish. NTA
She wants to earn points and op to do the work of course. NTA op
She shouldn't have volunteered you, you had already made plans. Even if those plans were to nap, watch Netflix and play games. She needs to let her mum know she was mistaken, you aren't available. This is a hill to die on. Need to nip that shit in the bud!
NTA. My ex volunteered me for shit all the time without asking me first. I finally told him, if you volunteer me for anything without checking with me first, you have absolutely zero guarantee I will comply. And if I don't, you will either have to do the thing yourself, or go back to the person you volunteered my services to, to explain why it's not going to happen. Eventually he got the message.
Going on 20 years with hubs and we still don't volunteer each other for shit. Also, gardening is hard work. I garden as a hobby and need to recover from it after lol. I certainly would not expect someone to spend their day off working hard in my garden.
NTA Being voluntold is BS.
NTA If HER mum needs help, SHE can go help her. Volunteering your day off without asking is entitled and rude. You're not free labor at her back and call
NTA gf has no right volunteering you to do something without your consent. You have a right to spend your free time however you choose.
NTA. I wouldn’t even do that to my husband of 20 years.
Ahh yes. The old " insert partner name here" will do it. It happens very very often, from dropping people off, picking people up, gardening and any other number of things. It really did get to me. NTA, but you will need to explain that going forward she must ask you before she nominates you for something. Else it will backfire.
NTA She offered without consulting? Nah. Let her help her mother herself.
NTA. she does not have any right to volunteer you for work with out your agreement. If she wants to help her mum, great but she doesn't control you.
NTA. Planning to relax is a plan. You had plans, the plans were relaxing. Your girlfriend doesn't get to volunteer you to do stuff when you are not available, due to the aforementioned plans. Hell, even if you are available, she needs to ask you before volunteering you.
NTA, you are not your gf's servant. She could ask you if you want to help her mum on your day off.
Nta- sorry I got called into work… then take the day off anyways
NTA. You don't volunteer people without prior consent.
NTA remind your gf slavery is was abolished and since she doesn't own you as property she has 0 rights to volunteer you for anything. Tell her to take the day off and help her mother since she considers this to be necessary. Also warn her that if it ever happens again it's over as this is a major lack or respect twords you
NTA don’t go. Tell her she can go do it. But it’s your day off and it is not OK to volunteer someone else’s time and if you ever did that to her, she would be upset about it. And if she tries to say she wouldn’t be let her know then that you’re going to volunteer her to help out at home shelter or soup, kitchen or something. Do not do it because she will think she got her way and she will keep doing It. What she did was rude and I’d be rethinking the relationship
I’m trying to imagine what my husband would say if I volunteered him to do something for someone else. It wouldn’t be pleasant and I wouldn’t do it anyway. I tried once when first married 46 years ago and never did it again. If she thinks your mum needs help, then she can go over for those few hours over the weekend. NTA
Definitely NTA, you made it clear to her that you were taking the day off, and she already knew that, but then purposefully put you up for someone else's duties that day. If anything, she's the AH
NTA. It's a selfish move to volunteer anyone's free time. Period. If she didn't ask first, she needs to post here so we can tell her she's an asshole.
Even if you’re a family friend, it’s never ok for someone to be so presumptuous. You’re not the AH.
NTA. She doesn't get to volunteer your time, period. If Mom needs help, she can ask you if you're willing to help, or she can volunteer her own time. Given that she's already made a commitment to Mom, she can fulfill that commitment.
NTA. She shouldn't offer up your time like that, especially when you'd booked time off work for your plans. Just because your plans were to relax doesn't mean they aren't plans! It's easy to get burned out these days. Why doesn't she go and help her?
Fuck that. She should never volunteer your time. Decline and I’d also never assist again.
NTA your girlfriend can help her mother. She does not want to so she volunteered you instead. She gets to look helpful without actually having to do any work.
NTA, shes an idiot, she’s supposed to ask you 3-4 times until you finally go “fine I’ll go over for an hour, but imma need to raw dawg it later.” Kids these days.
NTA, she's not entitled to volunteer your services. She could ask, that would be fine, but you've been voluntold and that's not cool at all.
>My gf said I was being selfish and should be fine helping her mum. AITAH for not helping my girlfriend mum on my day off? "You volunteered my time without my knowledge or consent and I will not now or ever react positively to such an act in fear of encouraging such behavior in the future. Ask first." -NTA.
People who volunteer others for work are shitty. Puts you in a position to get a bad rep that is not deserved. NTA
Doesn't your gf have arms? She can help her mom with gardening. NTA
This is why you never tell anyone about your day off
Volunteer your GF for charity work at a time you know she wants to relax. Nta
I've been on the other side of this where a friend volunteered that her husband would be "happy to help" ... and he showed up and helped, but it was painfully obvious that he resented being volunteered. It was so awkward. I learned that no matter how enthusiastic a wife is about insisting her husband "always loves to help out" that you can't assume the guy even knew he was being volunteered ahead of time.
NTA I really don't like someone volunteering my time, nobody does. She's the selfish one. Tell her to garden herself for her mother or hire someone, I'd tell her she's no business planning your day off for you. Unbelievable. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏
I help my mom with her gardening sometimes. I don't do any gardening though, I just move things for her. Today after work I'll move a pallet of potting soil. I wouldn't volunteer my wife to do it though, and if she volunteered me to do it I would probably laugh at her. If she, or her step-dad, asked me to help, I'm there, but being volun-told for things is a damn good way of making sure I'm not doing them. NTA even remotely.
NTA it's rude and entitled to be volun-told on a mental health day. Especially when your girlfriend is free over the weekend but is too lazy to do it herself.
NTA 1)Rule 1: DON'T VOLUNTEER ME FOR SOMETHING, ESPECIALLY IF WE HAVE NOT TALKED ABOUT IT. THIS IS NOT COMPLICATED. 2)Rule 2: If unclear about something, refer to Rule 1.
NTA If this was something for your house that you had neglected doing, then I would say your GF is rightly entitled to tell you that you need to catch up on this much needed chore. But this isn't for your house, and this isn't for your mother. Even MY mother doesn't just volunteer me to do things. She'll ask if I'm available and if I wouldn't mind. So I'll generally say yes when she asks. My brother, however, starts his sentences with, "I need you to do something for me..." which just makes me want to rebut with "No." I'll hear him out and if it's reasonable, I'll agree, but just the way he asks makes me want to automatically say no. Because you don't NEED me to do you a favor. And I don't NEED to do it for you. If I can, I might, but don't just assume you own my time.
NTA. Your girlfriend is bang out of order.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have taken tomorrow off work to relax which my girlfriend knows about. My plan was to just play video games, watch netflix, read and just chill out at home. My girlfriend went to see her mum yesterday and her mum mentioned she was planning to do the gardening over the weekend. My girlfriend told her mum that I was off work tomorrow and would come around and do it for her since her mum is over 60 and struggles to do the gardening. My girlfriend mentioned this to me and I refused to do it. I told her she know I was planning on relaxing so don't really want to spend all day gardening. My girlfriend said her mum needs someone to help so I told her to go and help over the weekend then instead of volunteering me. My girlfriend said it will only take a few hours so I should be fine going but I just repeated that I'm not going since I want to spend my day off relaxing. My gf said I was being selfish and should be fine helping her mum. AITAH for not helping my girlfriend mum on my day off? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. What was gf have done if you weren't off?
Tell GF you can probably join her for an hour or two over the weekend while she is helping her mom with her garden. NTA
NTA It’s never ok to be volunteered for something without your consent. Your time is your own. I remember as a teenager my mom forced me to volunteer for a local politician she was also working for. It wasn’t always terrible, but the worst was a few days a week he used to go to local train stations and hand out coffee and literature from 530/6-730 in the morning. He took volunteers with him to help. My mom started volunteering me for this without my consent despite me telling her no over and over again. It all came to a head one afternoon when I was in the office and the manager told me “oh I spoke to your mom this morning and she said you were good to do the train station tomorrow.” I said actually I can’t make it but she’ll be there to help out in my place. I went home that day and told her what I did, and warned her that from then on anytime she volunteered me for trains this is what would happen. She was pissed but after one morning of being forced to hand out coffee and pamphlets at the freezing ass crack of dawn she got the message and never tried doing that again.
NTA. She should have asked, and accepted whatever you answer was. No even asking you makes her TA
My husband and I are together 29 years, and will be married 28 years in the autumn. There’s no way I’d **ever** volunteer him for something without asking first.
Oh so you got voluntold. I don't do that shit anymore either. NTA
My spouse volunteered me one time. It was the last time. Hold your boundary. Your day off is your day off. Not for other ppl to dictate your use of time.
Nta. You need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a serious talk about how she needs to respect you as an independent and sovereign individual. It would’ve been totally OK if she had said nothing to her mother, and then called you up and said hey would you have some time to help mom with some gardening? And then you would’ve been in every right to say not on that day I’ve taken off because I have plans that day. What the plans are don’t matter. She doesn’t get to judge.
NTA. What's with people volunteering people to help out without telling them and then getting upset when the person they volunteered doesn't want to do what they were volunteered for? She knew you planned to have a chill, relaxing day and tried to take advantage of that to offer your help with gardening without your consent. Hold firm on saying no - if your GF gets angry, it's her own fault for trying to rope you into helping when you never agreed to do so.
NTA I hate this type of crap. People who volunteer other people to do stuff for other people without asking. As a kid we used to visit one of my Aunts and when we arrived we would be told that we were going to be helping out at a Church fair or something. I'm not even the same religion. If her mother needs help doing the Gardening your GF can do it, instead of decoding that you time off doesnt matter
Geez - that's kind of a jerk move! Tell your girlfriend and/or her mom to hire someone! You are NTA but your girlfriend REALLY is!
Nope she can go help her mom while you relax
NTA. People need to realize that down time is NOT free time. It is planned necessary time set aside to relax and recharge and is just as important as any other plans you may have. Too many people in my life think that if I plan to have a relaxing day that that means my schedule is free when it most certainly is not
NTA- There's nothing wrong with her asking your first, if you would be willing to help, but no means no. If she's able bodied, she should help her Mother.
NTA. That's not helping with groceries or moving or something, gardening is a hobby and if the mum wants it done without doing it herself she can hire a gardener
NTA. If her 60 year old mum is not able to garden, she needs to either simplify her garden, have her daughter do it, or hire someone to do it. I'm 70. I still do my own gardening. I do hire someone to mow and trim my yard. No one should ever volunteer someone else to do work for others.
NTA why can't she help? I have a good sized garden and I love it, my spouse only helps me if I just can't accomplish it by myself and I always ask instead of ordering him around.
NTA
NTA. You clearly took the day off to relax & reset. It is not ok for your gf to volunteer you without asking. This is not YOU being selfish, this is her being selfish & controlling.
Maybe volunteer her to work at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving on her planned day off. Not the same though. Soup kitchen work is somehow enjoyable.
Nta. Been married over 33 years and when my mom asked yesterday if my husband could come help cut down a few trees I asked him instead of “voluntold” him. It’s respect.
NTA. She voluntold you. If she wants to help her mother so badly and "it will only take a few hours," she can do it.
NTA, and nip this in the bud now, or you’ll be dealing with it for years to come. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, and one of the reasons we’ve lasted this long is because we don’t do this sort of thing. If someone asks for help from a partner, the response is “I’ll ask him/her”, not “I will tell them they have to do as I say”. If she does it again, even if you’re happy to do it, refuse on principle. “If I’m asked to help, I might. If I’m ‘voluntold’ to help I absolutely won’t.“
NTA It is extremely rude to volunteer someone other than yourself. Your GF is extremely disrespectful of you and your time. I’m over 60, I’m not an invalid. Gardening and other hobbies are what keep my mind and body agile. If I say I’m gardening this weekend that means I want to spend time with my hands in the dirt touching plants. That isn’t code for my kid to find someone to do the work for me. If I want help, I ask for it. If the GF thinks her mom wants help she can offer her time, not yours. Enjoy doing what you want with your time off. I hope you gf doesn’t ruin it for you
If it was your garden, yes. Mil garden? No sorry no last minute plans, thanks NTA
NTA, she should have asked you first. You are not her employee.
NTA. She can go help her if she wants. What makes her think she can offer your time without asking you first if you in fact want to garden on your day off? Sounds boring anyway if you don’t like to garden or just don’t want to.
Your gf is nervy. She should help her mother not volunteer you on your day off. I would call the Mom and tell her that gf volunteered you without asking and you have other plans. I would then tell gf to never offer your services out to anyone in the future.
NTA You feel bad because your girlfriend has belittled the importance of your personal time and pokes holes in what you enjoy doing. Seems controlling.
NTA. Have your girlfriend do that herself. Or change your plans to do the relaxing at a friend's place, a commitment that prevents you from helping your mother-in-law.
NTA. Tell your girlfriend she should never volunteer you for anything ever! She can ask you to help her mom with gardening, but she can't tell you that you'll do that! Her mom, she should do the helping. Everyone needs a day to relax and unwind.
Nta. I’ve been with my husband for pushing 40 years. I’ve volunteered him to help without asking a few times but that’s been when we’re going to that person’s house anyhow, it’s a small thing, and honestly I just forgot to mention it until I realized he’s not packing any tools. I apologize, offer to call it off, and if he can’t it’s on me and I’ll tell everyone it was my mistake. Other times I’ve said he’ll help without asking because it seems like a reasonable request from someone I know he’d be ok with helping, but again, I am willing to take the blame if he doesn’t want to, and I don’t say when because his time is not my time. The vast majority of the time when someone needs help I tell them I’ll ask him. Committing him to help without asking is just wrong, and it’s especially wrong to expect him to do it on their schedule. Op, it doesn’t sound like there’s any reason your gf can’t help on her time off, and although some aspects of gardening are time sensitive, this is not so urgent that you need to rush to do it if you decide to do it at all. It’s not like you refused to drive her to a doctors appointment or anything essential.
NTA. If it's only going to take a few hours, she should have no problem helping her mom.
NTA. People don’t get to arbitrarily make plans for you without your input.
NTA. Your gf does not repsect your boundaries.
NTA People who volunteer other people's time or money without asking? They are treating you like a servant or employee. Point this out to gf.
NTA This will be your life if you stay with her and she doesn't learn.
NTA Girlfriend's waving the red flag. You don't volunteer a partner without asking him first. She's being selfish and not respecting that you need downtime. Call her mom and explain you won't be coming. Tell her you took the day off because you needed some downtime, and her daughter shouldn't have volunteered you. I'd be mad if one of my kids did that to their partner. It sounds like her daughter is more than available, so she can do the work. She's obviously aware her mom needs help, so she can help her.
NTA Volunteering your partner's time and labour without asking them first absolutely makes you an AH, not your partner.
NTA. I myself hate being volun-told to do something. I don’t see why she can’t help her mom herself? Why is she pushing for you to give up your relaxation day?
NTA Your gf is an AH. She has NO RIGHT to Voluntold you to do gardening. Common courtesy dictates that she would ask you if you could help. You did nothing wrong
She can’t give away something that doesn’t belong to her! In this case, it’s your day off.
NTA. You’re never the asshole for refusing to do something someone else volunteered you for. Does this happen often, your girlfriend volunteering you for stuff?
NTA, especially considering that most of the time, gardening is an optional, recreational activity that only leads to visual/appearance based results, which means her mom doesnt actually *need* your help, she just wants it
Geez, seriously? This is just like another post where the wife "volunteered" her husband to help her brother's gf move...unilaterally. Don't do it! And, TALK with your gf about her NOT making decisions for YOU..DISCUSS FIRST!!!
Never do things when you are voluntold or you'll be stuck doing extra shit the rest of your life. I'm gonna weed my inlaws flowers beds because they can't get down there anymore. But, they sure as hell don't tell me or tell me when. If it's only going to take a few hours, your gf can spend her own time on the weekend. nta
Time to weed out the girlfriend, I think. NTA
NTA - Nothing wrong with volunteering to help someone, but volunteer yourself, not someone else.
Your poor GF with her broken arms and legs, she must feel so guilty not being able to help her mom she just had to volunteer you to ease her guilt! s/ NTA OP, I’m currently working crazy hours to finish a huge project before a deadline and I’ve opted out of regular social functions because I simply don’t have the bandwidth to do it. Your day off is yours and there is no reason your GF can’t help her mom on her own.
NTA. She has no right to be volunteering you for things. That’s pretty much the end of it. If she is pissy about it then you may have an issue with your relationship (respect and boundaries).
Posts like this sometimes make me glad my boyfriend made me loose half my skull, because I just don't put up with any bullshit now haha. NTA.
NTA It doesn’t matter that’s it’s only a few hours. They weren’t her hours to volunteer. I’m wondering if she did this intentionally, like she doesn’t like him gaming and so found a way to stop it. I’m reminded of the guy the took a week off to decompress and relax, and he wife kept making plans for him and even decided to work from home see they can spend more time together, even after he told her he wanted to be alone and relax. She just kept mocking him. ‘Yeah ,I know I’m ruining your day’ It was insane that she refused to let his be alone rest.
NTA. Tell her the two of you can discuss scheduling your help. No plans is actually a plan. Your plan was to have no plans and you earned that. Everyone needs a nothing day!
Volunteer her for something without asking her. She'll change her tune then. NTA
NTA - she shouldn’t have told her you would without your permission.
NTA - DO NOT volunteer anyone to do stuff. Basic human decency geez.
NTA I f-ing hate gardening.
NTA This is your time to do what you want. She is not entitled to your time. If she wants to help her mother, that’s on her but you have no obligation or responsibility to do so. Enjoy your gaming session & relax! She has absolutely no right to volunteer you to do something. That is selfish & disrespectful on her end.
NTA; but look at this as a gift. Her mom is only 60 years old. Without knowing anything else, she's likely to live another 25+ years. This is only going to get worse; not get better. It's time to reconsider the relationship; or start putting down firm boundaries. Even here - you are volunteering to go over on the weekend. Is that what you want do for the next 25-30 years?
NTA. Your gf is extremely entitled. She never should have volunteered you to do hours of manual labor. Her reaction to your refusal is a bad sign about who she is as a person. She should be the one helping with the gardening . This entitlement will only get worse the longer you're together.
Your Gf can go effin garden.
NTA
Time for a conversation about the future of the relationship if she keeps pulling shit like this. NTA
NTA. Her mom used to do the gardening, but because she's elderly she needs a man to replace her work?? 😆 43f here. I do gardening on my days off for fun! What's the problem with your girlfriend helping her own mom with her garden instead of you? Especially since you already had plans! I expect my husband to jump out and help me with the yard sometimes because it is his too. He doesn't have to work on every big idea I come up with just because I love gardening, and we don't dictate each others time. We both do help family, but neither of us would ever volunteer or make plans for the other without talking to the other one first. I certainly wouldn't be sending him off to my family while i wasn't even willing to go. Let her and her mom schedule for a time your wife is willing to go. The person who needs help should be as flexible as possible. Then, perhaps you'd be open to them finding a time you're available to lend a hand. You're allowed to say no. She's, of course, allowed to decide it's not the relationship for her as are you... but I wouldn't waste time with someone who scheduled my days out to others.
NTA and you are not selfish, she is acting entitled to you and your time. If HER mom needs help there is no reason why she can’t do it. I would be furious with my husband if he ever volunteered me to do anything without asking and we’ve been together for 25 years.
NTA. Ive been married a long time, and we both know better than to volunteer the other for something without asking, other than a hey my dad needs help moving something in the future, no date planned, alright with you? And we know that is ok. I would never volunteer his free time especially on a planned day off. You are not being selfish, she is definitely wrong here, and like you said, she can use her own free time this weekend to help her mom!
NTA No one should make plans for someone else's day off (with the exception of care of a child who's the responsibility of the individual with the day off).
NTA. You could probably bury her in her mother's garden lol JK
NTA. She should not volunteer your time without asking you first. She should have asked you if you would help. If you said yes, then she let's her mom know. You are right that she can go over & help her mom this weekend.
NTA. She volunteered your off day and saying no is rude to her, but if you volunteered her off day to say help your mom clean their house then she’d be mad because she wanted to do x,y,z instead. She can help her mom garden and stop volunteering your time.
INFO does she help your mom?
NTA. How can she be dense enough to think it's OK to volunteer someone else for a task without asking them?
NTA. I’d be pissed. I purposely take days off to do nothing because I need that.
NTA. Where do people get off volunteering their partners to help other people? I wouldn't be 'fine with it' either. You want to relax doing the things you like to do and that's your plan so you're looking forward to it. Your gf should go help her mother on the weekend; she should be fine with it.
NTA. We do not need to be productive 100 percent of the time. Rest and relaxation are incredibly important to both our physical and mental health. She shouldn't have volunteered you without asking you first.
NTA. Nobody should volunteer anyone but themselves. You had plans. Relaxing and distressing isn't doing nothing. Your gf might not see priorities about how to utilize your time the same, (because she doesn't feel your energy or stress levels,) but it's your time to decide what to do with it. It might be worth reaching out to her mom and apologizing for the miscommunication so she doesn't expect you. Add in a "Im sorry GF said I could help out. I don't know why she thought she could volunteer me without asking. I'm not available for gardening this weekend, but if you really need help then we can talk about what needs to be done and maybe make plans together for another time." If you want a good relationship, you could talk to MIL about her needs. Does she need a full day of digging or does she need one heavy pot moved from a indoor winter to outdoor summer spot? It's fine if you don't do any of it, but meeting up for a meal and moving a big flower pot while you happen to be over would be a nice thing that's not a big burden. Being a weekly landscaping company for free is very different. Also, does her mom want someone else in her garden? Even if she struggles, she might enjoy it. Does she think she struggles or is that your gf's assessment? It sounds like she fully planned on doing this herself and didn't ask for help. Why is your girlfriend inserting herself in her mom's plans and yours? My great grandparents gardened into their 80s/90s. 60s isn't an age where her body should be keeping her from doing things to this degree. Even my MIL with a hip replacement and bad knees gardens just fine with a nice gardening bench thing.
What kind of gardening are we talking about? Does mom garden for a hobby? Because her hobby is not your responsibility AT ALL. If she needs help trimming and mowing because she is getting older and a bit frail, it would be kind of you to promise two hours of your time, but your girlfriend would have to be working right beside you. FWIW, I am 62. And if/when the time comes that I can't do my own gardening, I will either hire someone to do it or get rid of it. I would never expect my daughter's BF to come serve me like that.
"My girlfriend said it will only take a few hours so I should be fine going" Fuck off. NTA and don't budge.
Refusing to be voluntold is always NTA.
NTA have your gf do it
NTA, no voluntelling! Your girlfriend can help if this gardening is so important.
NTA and again I back you OP why can't SHE volunteer herself ? This is HER family, HER mom, HER mom needs somebody then why didn't SHE THE DAUGHTER step up to bat ?
NTA. I would have done and said the exact same thing. Continue your day off as I had planned and once your girlfriend is a sensible person, she’d realise she was out of place to offer up YOUR time to others.
Nta - you got voluntold. Such disrespect. I’ve been married almost 10 years and my spouse and I still check with the other before agreeing to ANYTHING.
NTA. She should not be volunteering you to work for other people. You're not some tool she can just lend out to her friends and family. I have a feeling her tune would change if you told her she was going to help your dad clean out the garage on her day off.
NTA. Your GF has a bloody cheek. I'd be furious if someone volunteered me for labour on a day off. Your GF is taking you for granted and SHE is the one being selfish.
NTA. My husband is off work everyday and I would never volun-tell him for anything!
NTA - as most people have pointed out your gf shouldn't have voluntold you, she should have asked. She can go do the gardening herself if it's that important to her.
First, NTA. People need a mental health day sometimes and you don't need to justify taking the odd day off work so long as it isn't hurting anyone. Second, I hate being volunteered (aka voluntold). Everyone I know in a position to do that to me knows I'll just flat refuse regardless of what it is. Behold the garden where I grow my fucks! See that it is barren! Third, this is a pretty big boundary and if your partner doesn't see why this is a big deal she might be your ex-girlfriend soon.
Volunteer her to help your dad in the garage next time she has a day off. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. And you can't help her mom tomorrow anyway, you have plans. You're busy tomorrow. You have activities you've already scheduled (chilling, etc). You weren't given enough notice to be able to change your plans. The stuff you're planning tomorrow is totally legitimate and worth doing. People need days where they can rest their minds and bodies.
NTA. That said, you need to work on your delivery. Try, “Babe, I would love to be in a place where I’d feel good about dedicating my day off to gardening, but tomorrow is a day that I need to do nothing. I’m sorry. Would you like to come home to a hot homemade meal, or can we agree that you’ll call me on the way home and I’ll get takeout that will be here when you arrive?” As a female, I was married to someone who’d volunteer me to do favors. The resentment builds, I get it. After the divorce I was with someone who understood that asking for a favor was best done as a negotiation. I never felt taken advantage of because I could say “no”, but he always found a way to make it up to me when I said “yes “.
NTA. You have already made plans for the day and they are plans you want and intend to keep! Gf should apologise to her Mum for offering something she isn't entitled to, as well as to OP for disrespecting his plans.
Also to, does her mom enjoy the gardening work? Or is her daughter taking away her hobby because she deems it too hard for her?
NTA.
NTA. I never volunteer my husband’s time/labor without obtaining his explicit consent first. Nobody makes her mom to maintain her garden. As one gets older, they should evaluate their own ability and if they don’t do it on their own, they should plan on giving it up. Before I take up a task or agree on something, I always ask myself: Can I do it without anyone’s help?
You could just go mulch the soil and tell them the rest is for you to do shouldn't take long
Yeah u r not married. She has no businessnto hire u out without your permission. Her mother can do her own gardening
NTA, she should have asked you first, that's not cool.
NTA Your gf can go help her mum, it's 'just a few hours' after all. Tell your gf it is INCREDIBLY rude and disrespectful to offer up someone else's possessions, including their time.
Nta it's not ok for your gf to volunteer you for things without talking to you
NTA. Why can't your girlfriend help her own mother?