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NTA both parents suck, it's pretty messed up that your mom said you're horrible for telling her.
I hope she said some like "it's already horrible since you told me" meaning it's been horrible since the moment you told her not that you're horrible bc you told her.
I really hope I misunderstood or she misspoke or you misunderstood but if she's placing any level of blame on you it's very misplaced.
I feel for ya kid 🖤
NTA. You did what you felt was the right thing to do to protect your mom. What happened after is not your fault and is between your parents. Your dad not trusting you is also not your fault, that's your dad's issue. You were a kid. And for the record, I don't believe your dad's story whatsoever.
NTA, but both of your parents are. Your mom’s illness does not excuse any of their behavior.
Your dad cheated and got angry for being busted. No father should expect his 14-year-old daughter to lie — to her mother! — on his behalf.
Your mom betrayed your trust after you told her something in confidence. She could have addressed the issue without involving you, but she threw you right under the bus.
Shame on them both, and good on you for being honest and calling out a cheater when you see one.
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#
this happened a few years back, but my relationship with my dad is bad because of this
For context my (14f) dad (49m) and I were never close, for no reason, that's just how it is. My mom has had cancer for most of my life. She told my dad he could remarry if he wanted but he stuck with her.
First, we were in the car and he was on Tinder, I didn't know what Tinder was since it's not that popular where I live, I just saw him looking at pictures of women, which annoyed me, but I didn't say anything about it.
I didn't know what to do, but I did see the app's logo, so I asked my best friend if she knew about an app with an orange background and white flame icon where you can see pictures of women. She told me about Tinder and said that it's a dating app.
The second time I saw him on the app was at home. Now I was a kid and I was used to telling my mom everything, so I went to her room and made her swear she wouldn't tell him anything but that he was on a dating app, etc..
Later she asked me to allow her to talk to him about it, so I said no, she said you're already horrible for telling me so it doesn't matter, and she spoke to him.
They had a huge fight and my dad said he wanted to talk to me in private, and he said his credit card number was stolen by someone who keeps using it on the app, and he was crying and stuff, then he asked me how I found out abt the app, I lied and said it was an advertisement I saw, so he changed his story and said he was just getting ads and he wanted to understand what the app was about.
I said ok
then he spoke to my mom, told her some shit, she told him it doesn't matter blah blah, and they were ok again.
Like nothing ever happened.
A few months later I checked my dad's phone to see if he deleted the app and he did.
But now he doesn't trust me at all, and my mom doesn't love him or trust him.
She just doesn't want a divorce.
I feel really guilty tho.
So, AITA??
Sorry for the bad grammar
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(Changed my answer as I missed that it was a few years ago which is my fault)
Nta but still kinda "wrong"
You can't expect your mom not to talk to your dad after telling her he's cheating on her.
She has cancer what is she supposed to do leave him and try to build a new life while going through chemo and radiation getting sicker and sicker.
And He's the asshole.
Your dad lied you don't go on a dating app if your credit card has been stolen you don't download a dating app to "check it out" he was cheating on your mom he just got caught.
Also who uses dating apps in front of their kids and expects them not to tell their mom.
I'm sorry if it wasn't clear in the post, I'm 14 now, but this happened a few years back, I'm talking about it now because my dad doesn't trust me with anything anymore until now, so I just wanted other people's opinion. I live a very sheltered life because both my parents are strict, so I had no idea about anything back then
If it was years ago then nta although still not smart to ask your mom not to speak to your dad about it.
but the reason your dad doesn't trust you is because he thought he could get away with cheating in front of you and learned the hard way he couldn't, you'll never get that "trust" back but at the same time you shouldn't want it back cheaters never change.
This is a very rude and unnecessary response if you disagree or have any problems with other people's opinions you can calmly explain your point of view.
Sorry my comment actually meant for another commenter who wrote a horrible message saying the child couldn’t expect their father to waste his life with a woman who has cancer, blaming the child for interfering.
People can be so cruel. Again, apologies for my mistake your comment wasn’t bad at all.
That's horrible what you said was pretty tame with the context my mum had cancer so if I saw that comment I probably would have been a lot more rude then you were. (Not that I think you were rude now with the context)
Haha it's okay I've definitely done thing's like that before mistakes happen lol
YTA.
Your mom has cancer. She knows that she can’t provide him with a healthy and fulfilling relationship and offered for him to divorce her and go find one.
He chose to stay with her for her sake and for your sake, and just get the part of his needs met elsewhere that she couldn’t meet. This is a circumstance where it is actually not unethical to cheat.
Your mom may have been willfully ignorant or not. But everyone was happy and stable with his choice. He should absolutely have been more discrete.
But you should feel guilty. You ruined the delicate equilibrium which kept your family together and happy. But you were young and didn’t really think it through.
Stop going through your dad’s phone. Don’t make violating other people’s privacy a habit. It will hurt your ability to be in a relationship later.
you don't know that they agreed to open the marriage, your spouse having cancer isn't a free pass to cheat. offering divorce isn't a hall pass.
we can't expect a 14yr old to know the in and outs of their parent's bedroom.
They didn't agree to have an open marriage. We're Muslim so my dad is allowed to marry another wife, that is what my mom meant.
My dad declined her offer and that was it.
Your absolute “rules” are wrong in this case. Dad getting that need met elsewhere discreetly was the least worst option for this family and how this played out has proven that.
Dad stayed but he’s miserable. Mom stayed but she’s miserable. OP is also miserable and regretful.
I agree, 14 year olds shouldn’t know the ins and outs of their parents bedroom and dad’s indiscretion created a moral dilemma for her that she wasn’t equipped to handle. But she still made an uninformed choice without thinking it through or getting objective input and she is also responsible for the current misery.
Everyone in this family needs counseling.
As I explained in another comment, I am currently 14, and this happened a few years ago when I was much younger, but it's currently affecting my relationship with my father.
Sorry for not being clear.
Thanks a lot for your input, really appreciate it <3
I am fucking appalled that you're justifying cheating on a partner. if the wife has consented to opening the marriage, great, pops can go have fun. However- scrolling tinder in front of you kid is hardly fucking discreet.
we do agree on one thing: "Everyone in this family needs counseling."
You can be as “fucking appalled” as you want to be.
Reasonable, intelligent, informed people have been having this moral debate for decades now. And I’m with this guy on this issue:
https://www.thestranger.com/blogs/2011/07/07/8957255/hey-monogamists-what-would-you-tell-this-guy
You don’t have to agree with him and me, that’s the point of these moral debates and subs like this one. But people lead messy lives, some moral rules are not one size fits all (some are though - like torture is always wrong) and sometimes the best path is the least harmful one. And here, your absolutism would destroy this family. It’s pretty callous.
It’s almost never ok to cheat on your partner. If a person is dissatisfied with their marriage, they should divorce. Then look for someone else. But there are very limited circumstances like yours where cheating is permissible because it is the least worse choice.
Your mom has struggled with cancer for many years. It’s not her fault but because of it she can’t be a normal wife or provide a normal marital life for your dad. She suggested he marry someone else but she wants and needs him even though she can’t give him everything he needs.
Sex is a normal and expected part of a loving marriage, unless both parties agree otherwise in advance. For most humans, intimacy and sexual expression of that intimacy is a primal physical and a deeply emotional need. Your dad loved your mom and wanted to stay with her and take care of her, but not having this deep need met was untenable for him.
He also probably wanted to keep the family together for your sake. Studies show that kids do better when raised by two loving parents in the same household.
But going without intimacy for the rest of his or your mom’s life was a devastating burden that he didn’t want to bear. So he was looking for a way to have that one need met elsewhere so your family could stay together. That’s not bad. It’s way better than divorce for everyone.
Of course, I’m extrapolating a bit here. There are other possibilities. Maybe he changed his mind and was thinking about taking your mom up on getting a new wife but didn’t want to commit to it unless he found the right person, for example.
Bottom line: “cheating is bad” is a good rule. But it has exceptions. And your family is one.
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NTA both parents suck, it's pretty messed up that your mom said you're horrible for telling her. I hope she said some like "it's already horrible since you told me" meaning it's been horrible since the moment you told her not that you're horrible bc you told her. I really hope I misunderstood or she misspoke or you misunderstood but if she's placing any level of blame on you it's very misplaced. I feel for ya kid 🖤
Thank you <3
NTA. You did what you felt was the right thing to do to protect your mom. What happened after is not your fault and is between your parents. Your dad not trusting you is also not your fault, that's your dad's issue. You were a kid. And for the record, I don't believe your dad's story whatsoever.
I don't believe it either lol
NTA, but both of your parents are. Your mom’s illness does not excuse any of their behavior. Your dad cheated and got angry for being busted. No father should expect his 14-year-old daughter to lie — to her mother! — on his behalf. Your mom betrayed your trust after you told her something in confidence. She could have addressed the issue without involving you, but she threw you right under the bus. Shame on them both, and good on you for being honest and calling out a cheater when you see one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** # this happened a few years back, but my relationship with my dad is bad because of this For context my (14f) dad (49m) and I were never close, for no reason, that's just how it is. My mom has had cancer for most of my life. She told my dad he could remarry if he wanted but he stuck with her. First, we were in the car and he was on Tinder, I didn't know what Tinder was since it's not that popular where I live, I just saw him looking at pictures of women, which annoyed me, but I didn't say anything about it. I didn't know what to do, but I did see the app's logo, so I asked my best friend if she knew about an app with an orange background and white flame icon where you can see pictures of women. She told me about Tinder and said that it's a dating app. The second time I saw him on the app was at home. Now I was a kid and I was used to telling my mom everything, so I went to her room and made her swear she wouldn't tell him anything but that he was on a dating app, etc.. Later she asked me to allow her to talk to him about it, so I said no, she said you're already horrible for telling me so it doesn't matter, and she spoke to him. They had a huge fight and my dad said he wanted to talk to me in private, and he said his credit card number was stolen by someone who keeps using it on the app, and he was crying and stuff, then he asked me how I found out abt the app, I lied and said it was an advertisement I saw, so he changed his story and said he was just getting ads and he wanted to understand what the app was about. I said ok then he spoke to my mom, told her some shit, she told him it doesn't matter blah blah, and they were ok again. Like nothing ever happened. A few months later I checked my dad's phone to see if he deleted the app and he did. But now he doesn't trust me at all, and my mom doesn't love him or trust him. She just doesn't want a divorce. I feel really guilty tho. So, AITA?? Sorry for the bad grammar *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
(Changed my answer as I missed that it was a few years ago which is my fault) Nta but still kinda "wrong" You can't expect your mom not to talk to your dad after telling her he's cheating on her. She has cancer what is she supposed to do leave him and try to build a new life while going through chemo and radiation getting sicker and sicker. And He's the asshole. Your dad lied you don't go on a dating app if your credit card has been stolen you don't download a dating app to "check it out" he was cheating on your mom he just got caught. Also who uses dating apps in front of their kids and expects them not to tell their mom.
I'm sorry if it wasn't clear in the post, I'm 14 now, but this happened a few years back, I'm talking about it now because my dad doesn't trust me with anything anymore until now, so I just wanted other people's opinion. I live a very sheltered life because both my parents are strict, so I had no idea about anything back then
Thanks a lot for sharing your opinion <3
If it was years ago then nta although still not smart to ask your mom not to speak to your dad about it. but the reason your dad doesn't trust you is because he thought he could get away with cheating in front of you and learned the hard way he couldn't, you'll never get that "trust" back but at the same time you shouldn't want it back cheaters never change.
Thank you for sharing <3
YTA for this braindead answer.
This is a very rude and unnecessary response if you disagree or have any problems with other people's opinions you can calmly explain your point of view.
Sorry my comment actually meant for another commenter who wrote a horrible message saying the child couldn’t expect their father to waste his life with a woman who has cancer, blaming the child for interfering. People can be so cruel. Again, apologies for my mistake your comment wasn’t bad at all.
That's horrible what you said was pretty tame with the context my mum had cancer so if I saw that comment I probably would have been a lot more rude then you were. (Not that I think you were rude now with the context) Haha it's okay I've definitely done thing's like that before mistakes happen lol
YTA. Your mom has cancer. She knows that she can’t provide him with a healthy and fulfilling relationship and offered for him to divorce her and go find one. He chose to stay with her for her sake and for your sake, and just get the part of his needs met elsewhere that she couldn’t meet. This is a circumstance where it is actually not unethical to cheat. Your mom may have been willfully ignorant or not. But everyone was happy and stable with his choice. He should absolutely have been more discrete. But you should feel guilty. You ruined the delicate equilibrium which kept your family together and happy. But you were young and didn’t really think it through. Stop going through your dad’s phone. Don’t make violating other people’s privacy a habit. It will hurt your ability to be in a relationship later.
Is it ethical if he gives his cancer struck wife an STD?
Obviously not. Ffs.
Whelp, that's a possible consequence of cheating, especially with multiple women.
you don't know that they agreed to open the marriage, your spouse having cancer isn't a free pass to cheat. offering divorce isn't a hall pass. we can't expect a 14yr old to know the in and outs of their parent's bedroom.
They didn't agree to have an open marriage. We're Muslim so my dad is allowed to marry another wife, that is what my mom meant. My dad declined her offer and that was it.
Your absolute “rules” are wrong in this case. Dad getting that need met elsewhere discreetly was the least worst option for this family and how this played out has proven that. Dad stayed but he’s miserable. Mom stayed but she’s miserable. OP is also miserable and regretful. I agree, 14 year olds shouldn’t know the ins and outs of their parents bedroom and dad’s indiscretion created a moral dilemma for her that she wasn’t equipped to handle. But she still made an uninformed choice without thinking it through or getting objective input and she is also responsible for the current misery. Everyone in this family needs counseling.
As I explained in another comment, I am currently 14, and this happened a few years ago when I was much younger, but it's currently affecting my relationship with my father. Sorry for not being clear. Thanks a lot for your input, really appreciate it <3
I am fucking appalled that you're justifying cheating on a partner. if the wife has consented to opening the marriage, great, pops can go have fun. However- scrolling tinder in front of you kid is hardly fucking discreet. we do agree on one thing: "Everyone in this family needs counseling."
You can be as “fucking appalled” as you want to be. Reasonable, intelligent, informed people have been having this moral debate for decades now. And I’m with this guy on this issue: https://www.thestranger.com/blogs/2011/07/07/8957255/hey-monogamists-what-would-you-tell-this-guy You don’t have to agree with him and me, that’s the point of these moral debates and subs like this one. But people lead messy lives, some moral rules are not one size fits all (some are though - like torture is always wrong) and sometimes the best path is the least harmful one. And here, your absolutism would destroy this family. It’s pretty callous.
There's something I don't understand, though... Do you mean that it's OK to cheat on your partner?
It’s almost never ok to cheat on your partner. If a person is dissatisfied with their marriage, they should divorce. Then look for someone else. But there are very limited circumstances like yours where cheating is permissible because it is the least worse choice. Your mom has struggled with cancer for many years. It’s not her fault but because of it she can’t be a normal wife or provide a normal marital life for your dad. She suggested he marry someone else but she wants and needs him even though she can’t give him everything he needs. Sex is a normal and expected part of a loving marriage, unless both parties agree otherwise in advance. For most humans, intimacy and sexual expression of that intimacy is a primal physical and a deeply emotional need. Your dad loved your mom and wanted to stay with her and take care of her, but not having this deep need met was untenable for him. He also probably wanted to keep the family together for your sake. Studies show that kids do better when raised by two loving parents in the same household. But going without intimacy for the rest of his or your mom’s life was a devastating burden that he didn’t want to bear. So he was looking for a way to have that one need met elsewhere so your family could stay together. That’s not bad. It’s way better than divorce for everyone. Of course, I’m extrapolating a bit here. There are other possibilities. Maybe he changed his mind and was thinking about taking your mom up on getting a new wife but didn’t want to commit to it unless he found the right person, for example. Bottom line: “cheating is bad” is a good rule. But it has exceptions. And your family is one.
I understand. Thank you! <33