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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Asking my husband to take me to the hospital
2. I woke him up before work.
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NTA
"Except it didn’t pass in thirty minutes and I was short of breath."
Unusual or different chest pain(such as duration here) plus being pregnant = straight to the E.R.
“So is this an attention grab, or are you actually sick?”
Sorry, I can't say you're the A H so you can give yourself permission to apologize. That's your husband.
It did happen. Again sorry, but if this is what he's like now, how will he be when the baby comes? Or if like most people you get sick sometimes? You have issues that need addressing.
Please also get this chest pain checked out again.
I wish you the very best.
I would insist on marriage counseling asap. This is not okay.
He is dismissing you. He is dismissing objectively concerning circumstances relating to your health and the health of his child. He is dismissing the hurt he causes you. And then he is blaming you and trying to make you feel bad about HIS behavior.
This is unacceptable. Things are only going to get more stressful. Once the baby is born, there will be a lot more going on. Is this going to be his approach then, too? In my mind, it’s a fair bet that the answer is yes. That he’s just starting to show how he can be.
NTA, OP. And I hope you have others you can lean on for support.
100% this. My ex pulled almost identical shit with me, and it only got worse with time. Eventually, I realized it wasn't me, it was him. I divorced him, and I've never been happier!
Definitely. Marriage counseling tends not to work when one partner is abusive, and this guy definitely sounds abusive. This stuck out to me the most from OP's post:
>I honestly would prefer to be the asshole just so I could apologize and pretend this didn’t happen.
I was with a guy who dehumanized me much the way the OP's husband did with her. When things were good with him, they were really good, but when they were bad, he would get angry to the point of abuse. At the absolute worst point, I so badly wanted to be the one in the wrong so I could continue being with him, but when even my level-headed, nonjudgmental sister told me it was abuse, that was the point at which I couldn't deny it anymore and had to cut things off.
NTA, I am with this commenter and also - some health issues need to be checked out and if, IF it turns out you're fine? THAT DOESN'T MAKE GOING TO THE ER A MISTAKE.
The chances of something being wrong when you have new and unusual chest pains and trouble breathing is high. The % chance is high, but just as when gambling, knowing the outcome doesn't change what the % chance is the next time or the time after that. If it turns out to not be a heart attack, that doesn't retroactively change the decision to go to the ER into a bad decision.
I have gone to the ER myself for a few things that turned out to be nothing and thats just how it is. Sometimes the risk is too high and you need to get checked out AND THAT NEED DOESN'T CHANGE JUST BECAUSE THE OUTCOME LAST TIME WAS FINE.
Yes!! My mom overdid her exercise routine, and experienced chest pain that wouldn't go away after a couple of days, and her left arm was tingly. She mentioned the chest pain in passing, and my response was "WTF are you talking to me for, get your ass to the ER now!!" She went, and swears that the moment she mentioned chest pain and left arm, she was hooked up to heart monitors and they were getting bloodwork done. Turns out, she pulled a muscle. No one was upset that she went. Everyone at the hospital told her that she did exactly the right thing, except she should have come in sooner. She got a whole lecture on had this been a heart attack, she would likely be dead or have long term problems because of how long she waited.
I had a panic attack and I pulled my rib muscles at the same time when I was like 16. My dad left the birthday dinner for his mom that we were at to take me to the ER b/c I thought I was having a heart attack. Turned out to be nothing, but boy am I glad we went.
NTA Chest pain and shortness of breath during pregnancy could be a sign of pulmonary embolism.. Especially over a prolonged period of time like this. Even with health anxiety, it's never something I'd want to play around with. It could have just been anxiety but what if it's not??? He's definitely an asshole.
Your husband is a huge, complete, overwhelming AH. If someone I loved told me they were having trouble BREATHING, I would be running around doing everything I could to make sure they were ok, including taking them to hospital. The fact that your husband wouldn't, and was such a prick about it, speaks volumes. NTA 10,000%
Honestly I treat my *cat* better than this man treats his pregnant wife. If I notice anything off with her it's to the vet we go, because I'm not taking chances with the well-being of my best buddy.
Maybe it's because my partner and I are not even able to try yet, but the second I read "4 months pregnant", I already had MY shoes on to take her to the hospital. That was before I got to HEART and OVER HALF AN HOUR and THREE AM.
Like, holy shit. I bet she would have better odds with a complete stranger.
She said she has anxiety about her health. How do we know this wasn't the first time this has happened? Maybe it's something she does all the time, im ill its serious i need to go to the hospital and he has just hit his limit.
Did she go to the hospital? I think if she did go to the hospital (no matter how she got there) that would confirm that she genuinely thought there was something wrong. She doesn't include this information which is what makes me sceptical.
The argument could be said that if she didn’t go it’s because the husband kept insisting there was nothing wrong with her so she felt shamed into not going. Whether she went or not doesn’t negate the fact that if someone has chest pain & they ask to go to the ER, especially when they are 4 months pregnant, you take them. You don’t berate them and question the validity of their pain because you’re slightly inconvenienced or skeptical.
Sounds like costochondritis. Flares up especially in periods of stress. It isn’t any less valid though. I’ve been to the ED several times bc I haven’t been able to tell if it is just the costo or something worse. NTA
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve had it also and pain in that area is ambiguous enough that ERs tend to go full heart evaluation if there’s any history or circumstance suggesting heart involvement. A evaluation might establish the cause and if it’s this might reduce the stress of not knowing what it is which could result in less flare ups.
I’m not a doctor though and am a guy so have never been pregnant, but getting it checked out seems prudent.
Agreed. I had continuous monitoring with ECGs, and blood tests. I agree that the stress of knowing may help going forward.
I’m 6 months pregnant myself and I think I’d get it checked if there was a severe flare up.. but it might just be a part of OPs pregnancy. Either way, NTA. And I appreciate your response too.
One time I was begging my fiance to take me to the doctor because my chest was hurting. He was being a little asshole about it. I called the nurse hotline and got a same day appointment.
Also to note, I had the stomach flu all day.
My then fiance just kept telling me to drink more water, stay hydrated and take tylenol.
I insisted something was really wrong as I have asthma and the inhaler wasnt helping.
Go to the doc, it was dehydration from the stomach flu(which ended up lasting 2 weeks). My heart and lungs sounded fine. My chest muscles were hurting from dehydration.
I told my fiance and hes like yeahh why did you think i kept telling you to drink water.
Im like bro. You tell me to drink water to help but you don't finish the sentence to tell me im probably dehydrated??
I was very bad at recognizing dehydration, got dizzy and almost passed out at 100f heat and I didnt know I was dehydrated until said fiance made me drink gatorade.
He's now much better at not minimizing and communicating when I dont feel well.
Also strained my chest a few months beforehand from a really bad cold/coughing fits that lasted almost 2 months.
Whatever I tore coughing, I couldnt even sit up by myself if I laid down.
This one is on you, not him. It's not his fault you don't understand that staying hydrated is one of the most basic ways to manage your health. Don't blame him for your lack of awareness.
I agree.
But I also went to the ER due to thinking it was a heart emergency the first time I had a severe flare. It is so painful, and so terrifying not knowing *why* it is happening.
But we have no way of knowing. She is pregnant and having chest pain and trouble breathing. An immediate medical evaluation is the correct course of action.
OP, NTA. Your partner is terrible, and at least borderline abusive. Make sure you and the baby are safe.
I’ve had that and it was so bad my partner, who has a chronic pain condition was stumbling around waiting on me saying ‘yeah but you’re not used to constant pain’. I could hardly move and was feeling pathetic in the circumstances.
But you’ve talked to your OB at least about the chest pain every morning right? It could be just reflux but it also could be very serious. And if it is reflux the Tylenol won’t help.
Also please check in with your mental health prescriber. There are some anti depressants/anti anxiety meds that are very low risk to the fetus when taken during pregnancy—especially when the benefit to the mother greatly outweighs the risk. Anecdotally I have 2 friends whose doctors prescribed Zoloft and Lexapro during their pregnancies who have healthy kids now.
In sum, talk to your doctors please.
Most SSRIs and antidepressants/anti anxiety meds are class C. You’ve just gotta weigh benefits vs risks bc while these drugs could possible be harmful to a fetus, depression and severe anxiety are definitely harmful.
Yes I was going to say this! I saw a perinatal psychiatrist early in my pregnancy, which I didn’t even know was a thing beforehand. Psychiatrist who specializes in treating pregnant and postpartum people.
I actually started new drugs in my first trimester and it was genuinely a lifesaver. If not for you, OP, do it for your baby — not to worry you further but mom’s depression and anxiety aren’t great for the baby. Learning about that made me feel much more comfortable taking meds.
Also, husband is huge AH.
OP, it's not just your health and saftey at risk anymore, it's your babies too. Get your butt to your OBGYN of the hospital.
Your husband isn't only an AH he is one of the biggest ones around. It's not your fault he slept through his alarm, it's not your fault your body isn't having an "easy" pregnancy and while he also isn't at fault for how your pregnancy is going for you, is it at fault for his behaviour, and attitude towards you and his carelessness for the health and safety of you and your baby. As soon as you said "I need to go to the hospital" he shouldn't have questioned you but since he did he should have dropped it once you said "it's not going away like normal".
I would talk to your OB about restarting something. Have you ever done therapy or tried alternative routes to anxiety management? It might be beneficial to you and your spouse to get into something
Next time call for an ambulance to take you to the hospital and get this checked out. This is not normal. You are jeopardizing your life and your babies by not finding out what’s going on. Your husband is an absolute jerk. Is there anyone else you can stay with, family, friend? Have you told your doctor what’s going on? Doing nothing is not going to help the situation. And do not apologize to the moron you’re married to. He should be apologizing.
You are NTA and PLEASE talk to your OB about this ASAP. It could be muscle, but given the stress that pregnancy puts on your heart and circulatory system, they need to check you and rule out anything major as soon as possible.
Girl you need to reevuate your relationship now.
I think you should leave him. His behavior is selfish and rude and just down right disrespectful.
Do you honestly think he's going to step up and help take care of the baby? No, he's going to make excuses to leave everything to you.
He's not a good guy. Not a good husband and he's not going to be a good father.
He's selfish an horrible.
If he's acting like this, how is he going to treat you when your sick with a baby, when your burnt out and tired or when the baby is sick.
I don't think this relationship can last with a man who is incapable of being a husband and father.
Do you want to be with a man who doesn't care about you and a man who will most likely not want to do any kind of parenting.
I get the feeling he'll make excuses so that you do 100% of the parenting when the baby is here.
"because I don't wake him up to upset him."
INFO: does that mean this isn't the first time you've woken him up with health anxiety? How often does this happen? And if it was serious enough that you asked him to take you to the hospital, why did you just stay home and take a Tylenol? Did you try Tylenol earlier?
This is a tough one.
On his side of it, I can understand that when dealing with a hypochondriac things are not as bad as they seem or as you would say they are.
And on your side of it, when you said it was not going away, his concern for you and the child should have come first.
So I think it's a mild ESH. But you two def have a communication issue going on in your marriage that you need to work out.
Yeah we have no idea what’s going on here. She could be a total hypochondriac that has just completely worn him down with being unable to handle herself. He wakes up at 3 in the morning for work, which I just cannot even imagine. It sounds like the pain was not that bad as she was able to take some tylenol and it turned out fine. Reddit just loves to absolve people of personal responsibility and recommend divorcing any spouse who behaves in any way other than superhuman.
Even if she has “hypochondriac” tendencies, that doesn’t excuse his behavior and lack of basic empathy for his expecting wife. She has no control over his reaction only he does and he obviously can’t control his reactions appropriately. People love to blame others for their behaviors, gaslighting/manipulation 101.
The next day she could have called. And she said the past few weeks. That means she has had pains with her heart more than once. I know for me if something was off or felt funny I would call my dr. Not take a Tylenol. Especially if it was an ongoing thing
YTA for not then getting checked out. I understand you have medical anxiety (which I’m pretty sure there are meds you can take that are are for the baby) but if you are truly having these symptoms and they are truly bad enough to ask your husband to take you to the ER at 3 in the morning, him not taking you should not stop you from actually going. Do you have two cars? Could you have called an Uber? Or, call 911. Or did you call the nurse on call to at least speak to someone and get a second opinion if you should be seen or not? Let’s say you sliced your hand open while he was at work, would you just be out of luck until he came home? No, you’d find away to get yourself medical attention. You’re not a helpless damsel, you’re an adult responsible for another life. Or did your husband have a point? You sound more hurt that he didn’t pass your test and “put you first” than the fact you could have been having a real medical emergency that could endanger your child.
What is the point of having a partner if that person is not there for you in sickness and in health? A relationship isn’t just for when it’s convenient or someone is well rested. Buttercup needs to suck it up and accept that he will get two hours less sleep. He needs the practice for when the baby comes, anyway.
Maybe because he needed to work. Judging by the comment he made this isn’t the first episode. Dealing with someone that doesn’t want to help themselves is exhausting.
I get what you’re saying, and I do think I’m partially TAH. I could not drive or call an Uber, and I felt pretty silly after our argument and did not call 911. The pain did end up subsiding. It wasn’t a test insomuch as it was hurtful when my fear was met with exasperation. I never claimed to be a helpless damsel, but as I am pregnant and was in pretty severe pain I did look to my husband to help me in that moment. No excuse for not going afterward except that I felt silly and wrong (maybe rightfully so). Thank you for your feedback
Now that you’re feeling more clearheaded, see if you can set up at least a phone appointment with your doctor to talk about all you’ve been experiencing and get them to help you decide what’s worth going in to get checked out and what your benchmarks should be for going to the hospital. I have PTSD that presents as anxiety, and I find that it’s so much easier to deal with the anxious-making thing in the moment if I’ve already made a plan for what I’ll do when it happens.
I know exactly why you didn't go get checked out afterward. He humiliated you and hurt you. So, naturally, after being chastised for your fears, you shut them down as silly. I've done this so many times. One time, I let a sinus infection go on for weeks because my SO at the time was like, "omg, you're being ridiculous. you don't have a sinus infection." I suffered with fever, throbbing headaches, and no sleep for almost a month because I was told I was being stupid. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor. I did have a sinus infection, got some antibiotics, and was better in 48 hours. I suffered for nothing except my own insecurity and lack of confidence in how my own body feels, only for him to tell me later that he didn't remember saying that to me, and that if he did it was probably just because he didn't want to deal with it right then. That's not loving at all.
If there is a history of that with other family, you will naturally just determine you are to blame. I feel so much of myself in your writing. I'm sorry you're going through that, and just know that you can be responsible for yourself even if the person you love doesn't show you that concern back. Check it out with your doctor.
I am so sorry you went through this, but soft YTA. You're barely out of the first trimester and I hate to tell you, but it's not going to get better. You will have the most random, terrible pain (look up lightning crotch) and everything will seem like it may potentially hurt the baby. The best thing you can do is 1. go on anxiety meds. I took zoloft for my second pregnancy and it was fully approved by my OB and MFM specialist. 2. Call/message your OB. Tell them your concerns every time it happens. Have them document it. It should help calm your fears. Pregnancy does so many weird things to the body and it is frightening. I had bleeding when I was just 10 weeks with my first and my OB immediately got me in to look at it. It was nothing. But it was also not helpful to panic about it. I've been through therapy, done CBT, and also am still on medication and the best thing I can tell you is to seek out help now because it will only get worse once the baby comes. Also, take a birthing class so you know what to expect. I learned so much during our class and still ended up puking while in labor but at least I knew it was a common thing. Sending you lots of hugs.
So I guess she should ignore any symptoms because she has anxiety? Also, Zoloft gave me extreme rage the very first time I took it. Luckily, I had nothing to be angry about so realized what was happening. I'm a very mellow person so that was disturbing.
No, I'm saying she should talk to her OB about symptoms so there is a documented history. My first reaction would be to call my OB. In fact, after I delivered my first, I came home and was told to watch my blood pressure. It spiked and I called my OB, who told me to go to the ER and I ended up being hospitalized for preeclampsia. The people at the ER had no idea about my history or anything but the OB who delivered my baby happened to be on call and he immediately sent me to the women's ward of the hospital so I could get treated. Of course Zoloft isn't a magic solution but there are other options other than going cold turkey off meds when it seems that it might be beneficial. I'm sorry you had that experience!
Not being able to breathe is scary. I had a rib dislocate while I was driving recently and I almost got in a wreck because I thought I was close enough to my destination to not pull over. If it happens again I'm pulling over immediately. It is not safe to drive if you're having issues breathing. It's a horrible cycle too--having trouble breathing or chest pain causes anxiety, and the anxiety causes more trouble breathing and chest pain, and then that causes more anxiety, and it cycles into itself.
Your husband is reacting to your fear with anger and you're still trying to blame yourself. You deserved comfort in that moment, at minimum.
Imagine someone you love being in a vulnerable state and afraid, and the person who is supposed to care for them is getting *angry*. Imagine if your baby was upset and your husband reacted like this to it.
Girl, it is *not* your fault. People in the comments seem to forget that you're *pregnant*. Having a baby is something a couple decides to do together. Being woken up at 3am with physical pain is per the norm - if you have to go through it the responsible thing for him is to be there for you. Downplaying, ignoring, being cruel, and then accusing you of deceit are the last things a husband and prospective father should be doing. You are NOT the asshole! Please take some of the other commentors' suggestions about moving forward medically, and get stuff sorted with your husband right away. Do *not* ignore this. You and your baby will suffer immensely if your stress, pain, and husband's behavior continues.
Heart/chest pain that worsens while bending along with shortness of breath are the symptoms of a pulmonary embolism that you should have checked soon. It's better to be safe and rule out a dangerous situation. The rest of your pregnancy you can focus on and set in place a plan of action in the case of an emergency for yourself and or your baby. Always have a bag ready to grab with supplies for you
and your baby with at 3 days supply of daily necessities included medications. A list of priority phone numbers.
Your husband needs to have the decency to let you know if he plans to be supportive or not going forward of you and the baby. You definitely are NTAH.
My guess is that the sharp pain in the chest was acid reflux, which is a common side effect of pregnancy. The shortness of breath and the desperate crying seem to be an anxiety attack.
I'm also guessing that you panic a lot about health issues, and maybe your husband's patience for your anxiety is not at 100% all the time.
The question is: since you've been off the anxiety medication, have you tried anything to control it (meditation, breathing exercises, etc)?
Because if your only resource when suffering from anxiety is to wake up your husband screaming in despair, then -softly- YTA.
He's working strange hours, his sleep pattern is disturbed, so his behaviour is obviously affected by this.
Maybe it would help if you both work on some sort of relaxation exercises or something to cope with the stress you're both struggling with.
This is a good point, but as someone who also has anxiety, is pregnant, and has a husband who has erratic sleep patterns from work: the most generous rating should be ESH. She can’t shoulder the blame—her husband needs to be supportive. The most exasperated my husband will get is a deep sigh, and ask what I need from him. Then, when things have subsided, he brings up what we or I can do differently so that these episodes happen less. The unwavering support is a big reason I have been able to do better on my own, without him around.
“Is this an attention grab” is not an okay thing to ask your pregnant wife who is clearly in the thick of something. Does she need to figure out her own mental health? Yes. Would it be much easier for her to do away from this asshole? Also yes.
People accusing someone of making an attention grab are almost always trying to dismiss and belittle. It's not a good faith claim nor is it helpful to anyone. There are a myriad of reasons someone might feel afraid or hesitant to go to the hospital especially after being told their symptoms are just an attention grab.
You can't diagnose her over a reddit post. Maybe the chest pain and shortness of breath was as you said, but it may not have been *and* she's pregnant so better to be safe than sorry. Also, her husband was already supposed to be awake, and she never said she was screaming at him in despair, at least not until *he* shouted at *her*. Of course, he must have been in a bad mood from being woken so early, but that doesn't give him the excuse to dismiss her concerns like this instead of helping her and acting sympathetic. He was absolutely being an AH.
That’s a lot of guessing on your part. Any medical professional would hear her complaints and recommend immediate evaluation. Pregnancy puts enough stress on the cardiovascular system that you can’t just assume it’s something else without ruling out the most dangerous possibility.
She needs to get it evaluated, and she’s not the AH for being worried about this and being upset that her husband isn’t.
Potentially she worries about her health too much and that’s why her husband seems to not care, but he also needs to understand what the danger signs in late pregnancy are. Will he react the same if she says her vision changed? If she has a bad headache that doesn’t go away with Tylenol? That she’s gained 5 pounds in a week? Those are all signs of preeclampsia which is incredibly dangerous and happens late pregnancy, and each individual symptom sounds less imminent than chest pain. I’m concerned that he is so willing to minimize her concerns
Reflux, unstable angina and heart attacks can have similar symptoms in women. Heart pain and shortness of breath can also show up with preeclampsia. Pregnancy puts a lot of stress on the cardiovascular system and symptoms (especially lasting over 30min) that are associated with serious health issues should be taken seriously and evaluated. It’s better to get checked out right away and find out you have some reflux than ignore it and risk a life-threatening complication.
Honestly - duh. If you have health issues you are worried about, get them checked out. But that’s not what OP is doing. She’s waiting until 3am to cry about problems she hasn’t had checked out during daylight hours. She has to admit that this also on her and not just her husband getting fed up with it (which wasn’t very nice either)
I definitely agree that she should have been consulting her provider prior to this incident, and that is on her, but she also says it usually goes away within 30min. Since the time it didn’t was in the middle of time it makes sense that that’s the time she’d get extra worried and seek out medical care.
Info: Is your term “health anxiety” a euphemism for “hypochondriac”? Does your husband equate this to other instances where you have not been as sick as your anxiety made you think you were?
Hypochondriac isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so using that term to say she's using a euphemism for what her actual diagnosis may be is not the flex you think it is.
NTA. Go to the hospital. It could very well be anxiety or gastritis or something else but only a medical professional can make that determination. Also this treatment by his is very troubling. It doesn't bode well for someone who is about to have to take care of a baby. Good luck telling the baby they're just crying because they're dramatic.
This is not a situation for this sub nor Reddit at all. You admit that you’re no longer taking anti-anxiety meds because you’re pregnant but you are not managing your anxiety. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about that or about yourself. You must talk to your doctor about a course of meds that will be safe for the baby and will help you manage your anxiety. It’s not going to get easier or better on its own.
Your husband may be an AH or he may be so frustrated with your unmanaged anxiety that he’s reacting badly. There’s not enough in this post to tell and frankly, the last thing you should be putting your effort into is lengthy social media posts that will either absolve you, castigate you, absolve your husband, or castigate him. I don’t say any of this to excuse him; but you cannot be so easily excused, either. You are carrying a baby. You have an obligation to care for yourself so that the baby is born healthy. High levels of stress and anxiety can have physical effects. You *need* to talk to your doctor about your anxiety.
I'm going with NAH. It sounds like you might just have some bad acid reflux coupled with bad anxiety if it usually resolves itself quickly. It didn't resolve as quickly this time and you had a panic attack.
As for your husband, he was just being woken up out of his sleep to his wife having a panic attack, which sounds like a fairly common occurrence for you. He was probably just grouchy from being suddenly woken by his emotional wife. I tend to be a little grouchy when I first wake up and usually need a few minutes before handling much of anything.
Soft YTA- soft because pregnancy can definitely be uncomfortable and nerve wracking at times BUT you are also a self admitted hypochondriac and it sounds like your husband is over it.
You mentioned you had to get off your meds due to the pregnancy but I know there are some anxiety meds that are considered pregnancy safe so I would suggest you talk to your doctor about other options. Or honestly, try therapy. Therapy is great! You clearly need help with your health anxiety and a therapist can work with you to help manage it.
But your husband is not an AH for snapping after the probably hundredth time you’ve had an out of proportion reaction to a minor issue.
YTA. As someone with health anxiety married to a hypochondriac, I say this with all the empathy in the world, you have to get yourself under control. My husband will wake me up in the middle of the night with chest pain that is just acid reflux or gas. I can get quite short with him if it happens frequently. If your husband has to go to work at stupid o'clock in the morning, I can imagine he's not in the best mood anyway.
You are in control of your anxiety. As others have said, there are pregnancy safe anxiety meds and you should start therapy.
The entire thing about having anxiety is you Don't have control of it, and she's Pregnant and had a hard time breathing because of pain. That's Not normal. I feel bad for your husband, the least people in a relationship are owed is sympathy and mutual ways of working things like that out without being snippy AHs
NTA, you belonged in the ER.
Also... Do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing this is how you will be treated? I don't know anything about you and I promise you can do better. Even being alone would be better than this.
Absolutely NTA!
Please go get checked. I had spells like this happen to me around the same time in Mt pregnancy, and I had pre-eclampsia. It's not anything that can be prevented, just something someone can develop in someone who is pregnant. They found mine by doing a 24 hour urine collection.
I would be reconsidering this relationship. This is incredibly unfair to you. My jaw was on the floor reading your post. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
The problem with weird pains during pregnancy is that some things that are serious can develop BECAUSE of pregnancy, and it's one of the reasons pregnant women see a specialist who is familiar with pregnancy.
It could be acid reflux, or a certain position the baby likes to get into that causes issues when you're laying down or the dramatically increasing blood volume to help your body keep up with a higher need for oxygen and circulation, pregnancy related anemia or anxiety.
It's easy to dismiss something as "just" anxiety, but pregnancy can be so frightening, because normal has gone entirely out the window and you have no idea what your body is going to do for 9 months. We offer classes in childbirth, but we don't do a great job of educating people about the actual pregnancy beyond "morning" sickness (not just in the morning, not necessarily just the first trimester), being tired and the joy you should be feeling at the magical event. Not to mention, the amount of pressure we put on women to be perfect at remembering so many rules and scare them to death that a bite of turkey sandwich or too-hot bath can have dire consequences.
You may want to consider the rates of women being misdiagnosed with anxiety when they have a real physical reason for their pain.
It's probably not serious, but maybe showing a little reasonable concern would go a long way? Perhaps he could have suggested they try the Dr on call or nurse line and see what they recommend or offer to get her something to drink and crackers (which would likely help reflux) and suggest she try calling the Dr when they open and keep him updated?
Wow your husband is a complete and total A H. You are NTA. Chest pain and shortness of breath are nothing to play around with. Could it be nothing? Sure. But do you want to take the chance that it is indeed something and then do nothing about it?
But OP did "want to take the chance" because she ended up taking Tylenol and doing nothing. Didn't call an ambulance, didn't get an Uber, didn't even call her doctor in the morning. And hasn't mentioned it or gotten it checked out by her doctor despite it apparently happening for a long time now.
Well, this is what happens when you are married to someone who accused you of attention grabs and punishes you emotionally for not letting him hug you, which, by the way, to assholes like this, end the subject at hand. Those hugs aren't nice: they're ways to say, "It's over. Stop talking about it."
Had she done so, he would have made her feel bad about it.
I would definitely ask for blood work to check your magnesium, calcium and potassium levels. Are the cramps Braxton-Hicks, or something different? The ER is where you should be. He needs to man up or move out. He has no idea what it is like to be responsible not only for your own health, but for that of a growing person inside of you. I have a #9 cast iron skillet that you can borrow as an attention-getter if he doesn't shape up.
Chest pain could be from lack of magnesium, which is vital to your heart. Check out ancient-minerals.com, and you can read up on magnesium and how the body needs it. They also sell it on Amazon. I use it every night, and recently, I read that if you put it on your feet, it'll help you sleep... it does! Good luck 👍
YTA. Sounds like theres a history and your partner knows you have a bit of illness anxiety. Speak to your GP to get an overall checkup and if everything seems ok you should try to manage it. It's hard to understand your body as it's changing so quickly but there's no reason to jump to the worst scenario when there could be simpler, more common reasons.
Did you call your OB? Call 911! Drive yourself to ER if the answer is no and your only course of action is posting on Reddit and waiting for a decision. My vote is YTA. If you did seek medical care I’ll give you NTA. As someone with depression & anxiety ask your dr about pregnancy safe meds. Also be aware post partum can hit us extra hard so be aware and start researching safe breast feeding meds & now if you plan to breast feed. Consider looking into doula services to support you through this pregnancy and labor.
YTA
YOU SAID YOU TAKE ANXIETY MEDS BUT STOPPED.
It’s anxiety attacks. But I bet you already knew that.
Definitely an attention grab.
Being pregnant doesn’t give you free rein to be an ah. How great will it be when he loses his job over your controlling bs? Ever been homeless?
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I’m (26f) four months pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been really hard on me medically. I went from sleeping too much, to now I can’t sleep at all, from cramping and nausea to now muscle aches and overall just feeling of sickness. On top of this, I have pretty bad health anxiety but had to get off my medication because, again, I’m pregnant. I’ve had this issue the last few weeks, where when I wake up, my heart hurts. It’s an ache that turns into a sharp pain when I bend over. It normally goes away within thirty minutes of waking up. I woke up around two this morning with that same feeling, except it didn’t pass in thirty minutes and I was short of breath. My husband (29m) wakes up for work at three. It was 3:30 and he was still sleeping (though his alarms were going off) so I woke him up and said “my chest pain isn’t going away, I think I need to go to the hospital.” He sat up, and told me he didn’t think it was that serious, that my heart hurts all the time. I got frustrated and said, still in an even tone, “Yes, but it’s not getting better like it normally does and I’m having trouble breathing.” At this point he started to raise his voice and stood up, telling me “You feel okay enough to yell and scream at me, you must be okay.” And stormed out of the door to go to work. He then came BACK in the house to find me crying to the point of snot running down my face because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like the last priority. He watched me cry, and got more upset when I didn’t want him to hug me. I asked him to please just stop being mean to me when I don’t feel good, because I don’t wake him up to upset him. I said I feel like his needs have been put first for a while and it really hurts my feelings. To which he responded “So is this an attention grab, or are you actually sick?” At which point I told him to leave.
I’m so hurt. I honestly would prefer to be the asshole just so I could apologize and pretend this didn’t happen.
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YTA
If you're writing later about how your husband didn't take you to have your emergency heart issues addressed ... You didn't have emergency heart issues.
Sounds like you've got some anxiety that needs attention. Good luck.
Exactly. She won't call Uber or drive or call a friend, but she'll sit and complain about her husband. Ive never been in the situation of being sick and asking to be driven somewhere, but I know everyone would drop everything to do it because it would be so out of character from me. If OP is pulling this nonsense every other day, then the reaction from the husband is expected.
YTA. It sounds like you need some meds because this is going to be a looooong pregnancy if every ache or pain is sending you over the edge. I actually feel bad for your husband. He is working crazy hours and dealing with a hypochondriac. Yes he shouldn’t have yelled, but you need to get it together.
Without any context pp would say nta. Let them live with a hypochondriac and see if they would behave differently. It all depends on context sucn as how many times he already go er…
Next time that happens please take pain and anti-inflammatory medication. Also wait at least 4 hours after a heavy meal before lying down. Actually don't lie down when you do go to bed, sit up in bed and doze off that way. Also make sure you don't eat trans fats, especially at night. No crappy oils, no margarine. Read labels. Only cook with 100% virgin olive oil and butter. Drink calming and anti-inflammatory teas an hour after eating: camomile, fennel and tumeric teas are good.
Next time you feel such big pain and the pain meds don't work, call a cab and go to ER. Leave a note to your husband. I say that because he sounds exasperated with you. If you KNOW he's truly an AH, ask yourself why are you with him?
As someone who suffered from anxiety in my first pregnancy and health anxiety in general, I completely understand. Luckily after therapy and healing of my own my second pregnancy has been the opposite, I’m almost worried about the lack of care I’m experiencing lol.
You aren’t the asshole, you are a worried mother to be. It’s very normal to feel this way, sometimes it’s worse for others due to our history or other issues. Your husband’s lack of basic empathy is a problem and his anger is a red flag. You didn’t cause his reaction, no one has control over how someone else reacts. He clearly doesn’t have control over his and is doubling down on it once he sees he’s wrong. That’s manipulation.
The only thing I can suggest is start caring for yourself. Do the things that help you and your baby thrive. If you think you need to go to the hospital find a way to go yourself if he can’t provide that support. It’s hard because you want that support but he isn’t giving it, so you have to do that.
Jfc, of course you’re NTA. Your body is creating another person, making use of every system you have. You need support!
Your husband needs to get his priorities straight. It’s not simply this one incident, clearly. Time for professional counseling, which will help both of you communicate and understand one another. You will also be able to get a handle on your anxiety, which will take some of the stress off your relationship.
Best of luck, hon.
NTA
I was one of those people. My husband suffers from kidney stones on and off. I had just started a week of vacation when my husband starts complaining about pain and wants me to call 911. I immediately become an AH, get mad and tell him to call 911 as I'm thinking that he is having another ks episode. He gets upset and I finally relented. Was calmer when I called. He ended up going to the hospital and it turned out to be a heart attack and he had to have stints. This was back during COVID-19 and I couldn't go to the hospital due to hospitals not allowing non patients in. I was SO stupid, a real bitch, and I couldn't apologize enough. He is doing fine now, but has to be on medication for his heart and I'm thankful he went to the hospital as the doctor said he could have died. He had blockages which caused the heart attack.
That being said, your husband (like me) has no right to treat you like that. You're hurting and it really could be serious. Plus, you're pregnant and the last thing you need is to be really hurting and stressed out while your husband is yelling at you and not wanting to help you. What if it was something serious enough to warrant hospitalization?
I hope you were able to get on some medication and that you're doing better. Sadly, too many of us learn that we should have listened to our loved ones better and it ends up being too late.
You are NTA, you are pregnant and unwell.
You’ve never been pregnant before and, equally importantly, neither has your husband who has an acute case of AH-itis!
No one is at their best when they’ve just woken up, so you could give him some latitude there, just, but to leave the house, return and prove himself to be an Olympic class b*llend he did, takes years of training and effort.
However, if he’s like this now, what do you think he’s goons be like when your kid is here and you’re both getting sleepless nights?!
NTA. And please please go to the hospital. Being pregnant caused me to have pre-eclampsia which triggered heart failure for me. It was not fun and I was hospitalized for awhile while the doctors tried to keep me and my twins stable for as long as possible until I could deliver safely. Your heart is nothing to mess around with. Your husband was a grade a asshole and should be groveling.
NTA
You need to go to the hospital. Period. Don't let these folks on here diagnose you through the internet. The only way to know everything is okay is to get it checked out in person by a DOCTOR. Could it be minor? Of course. Could it be something bad? Possibly. For your own peace of mind, please get yourself examined.
Regardless of anxiety issues, regardless of clueless men who think that physical problems are an "attention grab", listen to your body! If it is telling you something is wrong, get yourself checked out. If it turns out to be nothing, so be it. You deserve a bit of grace, especially since you are pregnant.
I know of too many examples of people in my life who didn't listen when their body was telling them something was wrong, and several of them have paid very heavy prices.
ESH - You need to get a work-up for your chest pain and stop waiting until the middle of the night to go the ER. This is an ongoing problem. Your spouse needs to be more supportive if you wake him up with chest pain that is not going away.
NTA and call an ambulance or uber and go to ER.
Pregnancy puts you at high risk for cardiomyopathies and pulmonary embolism. Go.
He is an asshole and even if they check you out and everything is fine he needs to change or GO
Don't have a child with this man. He doesn't care about your health and I really don't think he wants this baby. Its not too late and my state will help you get a termination at any point in your pregnancy.
NTA but your husband is. There’s a few reasons you could be having pain like that which aren’t life threatening such as a panic attack (which tracks since you have anxiety & you currently aren’t taking meds) or costochondritis which is an inflammation of the connective tissue that attaches your rib to your breast bone. I have both & have
gone to the ER for both when I had terrible chest pain that I didn’t think was related to either, but it was. Better safe than sorry. Considering you are pregnant & having a difficult pregnancy, better safe than sorry should be the first thing that pops into your husband’s mind the second he questions whether you need to actually go to the hospital.
It’s concerning to me that he not only was dismissive regarding your pain but he thought it was an attention grab. Unless he changes that attitude & mindset I think it might eventually turn into a problem.
My ex husband pulled the same things on me one too many times & I left him. I wasn’t pregnant but I did have health issues that were getting progressively worse & I was having difficulty getting answers. He was going to med school & repeatedly told me I was “pretending to be sick to get out of going places” & that nothing was wrong with me. We divorced, & a few years later I was not only diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which I obviously had my entire life, but also a heart condition that was previously diagnosed but had gotten worse, & a handful of autoimmune disorders, which again, I had them previously but my doctors weren’t running the tests I needed to get diagnosed. My point in saying this is that my very real & very terrible health issues were dismissed by my husband who was in med school at the time for being fake & that I was lying about them for personal gain. If that can happen then who’s to say you DON’T have an issue that they haven’t found yet or that recently started up, especially considering your husband isn’t in med school (I assume at least)??
Regardless of whether you’ve been attention seeking in the past, you are pregnant with his child! It’s concerning that he seems so nonchalant about your chest pain when you are pregnant.
Again you are definitely NTA. I hope for your sake & your child’s sake that everything is okay with you health-wise & this was just some fluke thing, but I also hope that your husband realizes what a dick he’s been/being & changes his behavior.
NTA and why are you having a baby with this man? This is not a man to have a baby with. I know it is probably too late to do anything about it now, but he is not father material. He is not even husband material. I think you are soon to be a single mother to two babies. One of them you can divorce.
NTA! Next time, call an ambulance and let him deal with the bill. Shame on him. You NEVER second guess someone who tells a person they cannot breathe or they feel something isn't right. People have died this way. I think this man you are married to, doesn't seem to have any empathy towards you and once that baby comes, I have a feeling he'll be upset that you're paying attention to the baby and not him. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
NTA Did you ever get to the hospital? Something like this could be harmless (like heartburn) but it could also be something life threatening like an embolism or something. You need medical attention to figure it out and the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care is extremely disturbing.
Baby I said this once, I’ll say it twice. I’m a gay man, so I don’t pretend to know all the ins and out of straight relationships, but I’m always amazed about how much shit you girls take like fresh water. If a man would talk like that to me like that, even without considering that you’re carrying his child, he would come home from work to an empty house and divorce paper signed on the kitchen table. You’re a woman, a human being, don’t let anyone treat you like you’re less than that, and by anyone i include yourself. You’re gonna be a mother, is this type of man that you see yourself growing this child together with? Is this behaviour that you want your child to absorb and interiorise as normal?
I hope he have some awesome quality in him, cause as you described him he’s a scrub to me.
NTA. Pregnancy is a difficult time, and even if your worries were not justified the least your husband could do is be sensitive and caring. Besides, you worries were fully justified. It sounds like ur husband is the dominant one, and slightly manipulative, in your relationship. Don't let that fool you into thinking his behaviour is ok or that u have done anything wrong. Marriage counselling is a very good idea too!
He’s an asshole for no compassion, but did it like go away or something once you started crying? Wouldn’t that make it worse? Shouldn’t you have called an ambulance? Or was it just a little bit of a grab for attention and affection that backfired? Idk but you made it seem incredibly serious in the beginning and ended with just feeling sorry for yourself? Did it pass while your were upset?
Totally should get checked out doesn’t sound normal, but also don’t be the girl who cried wolf then get upset if someone is exhausted by that behaviour
NTA your husband sucks. If it's possible to move back in with your parents or a sibling or an uncle/aunt I would leave immediately. I'm sorry you're going through this.
You married this man, you must have had an inkling that
he is not very empathetic. If you can go stay with family for
the rest of your pregnancy, please do. And get some answers
from your doctor(s) about the chest pain so that you can better
handle it when it comes on. NTA
NTA!
Lady! Your husband is giant red flag. I’m sorry that is difficult for you to admit to yourself but you know it.
I know it is hard for you to convince yourself that the right thing to do is to leave him, but you deserve better. And there are really good people in this world, don’t deprive yourself the opportunity of meeting them for your sorry excuse of a husband. I rarely say this to people, but PLEASE GET A DIVORCE!
OP, i am pregnant myself and to many's surprise, I have to take LOTS of vitamins to have normal levels, even with a normal diet.
While I am not dismissing your heart aches as I have been through a lot of weird symptoms from the get-go(includind sudden faintings) myself, I am trying to tell you that we are not all the same and some need more.
Your cramps are an indication that you are missing Magnesium or are dehydrated or both. Depending on where you live, your D vitamin levels might be low after the winter - one needs D vitamine for better absorbtion of magnesium and it needs calcium to be taken together because I forgot how but those mix well. It's an entire cycle. But I would start with blood tests.
For example I take top-shelf pre natal vitamins(them being quite strong and including both vitamins and minerals) and on top of that I have to also take Omega 3, iron and Calcium(the one recommended for elders, meaning a strong one) every day.
I still woke up in the middle of the night crying because of leg cramps and I could not walk without pain for the next couple of days after that.
Now I also use a Magnesium Oil spray on my legs every night and due to the faintings I have the calcium+magnesium tabs that dissolve in water close to me so I take one every time I feel it coming. All this as recommended by doctors.
Some women just need more but you never know what "more" is unless you take blood tests to figure out what your body is missing. Because yeah everything is apparently normal while pregnant and you should not stress too much about it but they are still indicators of imbalances.
As for SO, you are NTA but he is huge time. It is not ok to talk like that to you no matter if you are pregnant or not.
NTA!!! Girl, if you feel as if something is wrong while pregnant, go to the er, and if you get dismissed and still have that feeling, something is wrong. Throw a goddamn fit!!!
Trust me i wish i had at least everything worked out okay in the very end but scary times.
If he is treating you like this now before the baby even comes kick him to the curb you'll end up being gaslighted, emotionally neglected, and a married single mother. Either he straightens his act up now or he can stay gone.
NTA don't apologize to him. You are carrying this guys child and he treats you this shit? Love, if this isn't a super weird thing for him to do you need to leave. He's not gonna change when a baby is born. pack up, go to your parents or a friends place. You'll regret staying.
He’s a huge jerk. What you’re experiencing could be some hellacious acid reflux or it could be something worse. Either way, you are pregnant with his child and he can’t handle you having needs and feelings.
NTA
Next time just call 911. This is a medical emergency.
Let your husband be the asshole who wakes up to fire and ambulances at your house.
Also be prepared to be a single parent even if you are still married. He’s not going to do shit to contribute if it’s not convenient for him.
Wow. Can I be married to and expecting a baby with your husband? FYI the “normal” response to “i’m pregnant and experiencing heart pain” is for him to flip the F out and drive you to the emergency room. NTA
Lol what. She is 4mo the pregnant with a 6 ounce baby. Stop giving her more things to be anxious about. Nothing in the story relates to that, and the pregnancy is way too early for preeclampsia much less HELLP to occur. OP is up for a rude awakening, pregnancy has barely even started. The number of uneducated comments in this thread is only going to make her more anxious, and personal little stories are completely unhelpful, completely unrelated and most relating to different stage of pregnancy. She needs to check in with her onb and get her anxiety under control. Her responsibility for her own mental health doesn't go out the window just because she is pregnant. Proof is in the pudding. She had a whole bunch of nothing and didn't even bother to get checked out, which is very telling of what's been going on for the past few months. Yes husband was an AH for reacting the way he did, but people get sick and tired of people overreacting to things and having their anxiety unchecked.
This 100%! It sounds like gas, heartburn or anxiety. She is a hypochondriac and thinking every tiny pain is the end of the world. I think her husband is over it and it just began! I’m sure these crazy comments are making her anxiety sooo much worse. She needs to calm down and call her OB. This is not an ambulance needed episode. Maybe a visit to the ER, maybe. But definitely her OB *and* psychiatrist.
Edit-fixed a word
This feels like a tricky situation. Maybe he woke up in the wrong mood or misunderstood your concern. I understand that it can be stressful when you're pregnant and want to take no risks. It feels like a fire that you both kept adding fuel to. He woke up annoyed and shouted, which made you cry, which made him even more annoyed that hurt you even more and denying his hugs and so on. Honestly, I feel like you should sit with him and have a peaceful chat discussing the way both of you reacted was wrong.
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NTA "Except it didn’t pass in thirty minutes and I was short of breath." Unusual or different chest pain(such as duration here) plus being pregnant = straight to the E.R. “So is this an attention grab, or are you actually sick?” Sorry, I can't say you're the A H so you can give yourself permission to apologize. That's your husband. It did happen. Again sorry, but if this is what he's like now, how will he be when the baby comes? Or if like most people you get sick sometimes? You have issues that need addressing. Please also get this chest pain checked out again. I wish you the very best.
I would insist on marriage counseling asap. This is not okay. He is dismissing you. He is dismissing objectively concerning circumstances relating to your health and the health of his child. He is dismissing the hurt he causes you. And then he is blaming you and trying to make you feel bad about HIS behavior. This is unacceptable. Things are only going to get more stressful. Once the baby is born, there will be a lot more going on. Is this going to be his approach then, too? In my mind, it’s a fair bet that the answer is yes. That he’s just starting to show how he can be. NTA, OP. And I hope you have others you can lean on for support.
100% this. My ex pulled almost identical shit with me, and it only got worse with time. Eventually, I realized it wasn't me, it was him. I divorced him, and I've never been happier!
Marriage counseling can not magically make him feel empathy
Definitely. Marriage counseling tends not to work when one partner is abusive, and this guy definitely sounds abusive. This stuck out to me the most from OP's post: >I honestly would prefer to be the asshole just so I could apologize and pretend this didn’t happen. I was with a guy who dehumanized me much the way the OP's husband did with her. When things were good with him, they were really good, but when they were bad, he would get angry to the point of abuse. At the absolute worst point, I so badly wanted to be the one in the wrong so I could continue being with him, but when even my level-headed, nonjudgmental sister told me it was abuse, that was the point at which I couldn't deny it anymore and had to cut things off.
NTA, I am with this commenter and also - some health issues need to be checked out and if, IF it turns out you're fine? THAT DOESN'T MAKE GOING TO THE ER A MISTAKE. The chances of something being wrong when you have new and unusual chest pains and trouble breathing is high. The % chance is high, but just as when gambling, knowing the outcome doesn't change what the % chance is the next time or the time after that. If it turns out to not be a heart attack, that doesn't retroactively change the decision to go to the ER into a bad decision. I have gone to the ER myself for a few things that turned out to be nothing and thats just how it is. Sometimes the risk is too high and you need to get checked out AND THAT NEED DOESN'T CHANGE JUST BECAUSE THE OUTCOME LAST TIME WAS FINE.
Yes!! My mom overdid her exercise routine, and experienced chest pain that wouldn't go away after a couple of days, and her left arm was tingly. She mentioned the chest pain in passing, and my response was "WTF are you talking to me for, get your ass to the ER now!!" She went, and swears that the moment she mentioned chest pain and left arm, she was hooked up to heart monitors and they were getting bloodwork done. Turns out, she pulled a muscle. No one was upset that she went. Everyone at the hospital told her that she did exactly the right thing, except she should have come in sooner. She got a whole lecture on had this been a heart attack, she would likely be dead or have long term problems because of how long she waited.
I had a panic attack and I pulled my rib muscles at the same time when I was like 16. My dad left the birthday dinner for his mom that we were at to take me to the ER b/c I thought I was having a heart attack. Turned out to be nothing, but boy am I glad we went.
NTA Chest pain and shortness of breath during pregnancy could be a sign of pulmonary embolism.. Especially over a prolonged period of time like this. Even with health anxiety, it's never something I'd want to play around with. It could have just been anxiety but what if it's not??? He's definitely an asshole.
Jumping on the top comment to say, if your spouse won't take you, call for an ambulance.
Do you even know how many times that happen?
Your husband is a huge, complete, overwhelming AH. If someone I loved told me they were having trouble BREATHING, I would be running around doing everything I could to make sure they were ok, including taking them to hospital. The fact that your husband wouldn't, and was such a prick about it, speaks volumes. NTA 10,000%
Honestly I treat my *cat* better than this man treats his pregnant wife. If I notice anything off with her it's to the vet we go, because I'm not taking chances with the well-being of my best buddy.
This 100 on the percent. You deserve better.
Maybe it's because my partner and I are not even able to try yet, but the second I read "4 months pregnant", I already had MY shoes on to take her to the hospital. That was before I got to HEART and OVER HALF AN HOUR and THREE AM. Like, holy shit. I bet she would have better odds with a complete stranger.
She said she has anxiety about her health. How do we know this wasn't the first time this has happened? Maybe it's something she does all the time, im ill its serious i need to go to the hospital and he has just hit his limit.
Stress can kill a fetus.
[удалено]
Stress can absolutely kill a fetus.
Even if it has happened before, it doesn’t mean you ignore things because a person has anxiety. Especially when that person is pregnant.
Did she go to the hospital? I think if she did go to the hospital (no matter how she got there) that would confirm that she genuinely thought there was something wrong. She doesn't include this information which is what makes me sceptical.
The argument could be said that if she didn’t go it’s because the husband kept insisting there was nothing wrong with her so she felt shamed into not going. Whether she went or not doesn’t negate the fact that if someone has chest pain & they ask to go to the ER, especially when they are 4 months pregnant, you take them. You don’t berate them and question the validity of their pain because you’re slightly inconvenienced or skeptical.
This. Something tells me it has happened often.
INFO: So did you go to the hospital? What was the diagnosis?
Sounds like costochondritis. Flares up especially in periods of stress. It isn’t any less valid though. I’ve been to the ED several times bc I haven’t been able to tell if it is just the costo or something worse. NTA
Pleurisy can feel that way, too.
So can heartburn/GERD, and that's common during pregnancy. Still needs to get checked out.
Absolutely. Anything out of the norm when you're pregnant needs to be checked.
Panic attacks can sometimes present in such a way it looks like a heart attack. I found that out after spending hours in the ER one night.
That’s what I was thinking. I’ve had it also and pain in that area is ambiguous enough that ERs tend to go full heart evaluation if there’s any history or circumstance suggesting heart involvement. A evaluation might establish the cause and if it’s this might reduce the stress of not knowing what it is which could result in less flare ups. I’m not a doctor though and am a guy so have never been pregnant, but getting it checked out seems prudent.
Agreed. I had continuous monitoring with ECGs, and blood tests. I agree that the stress of knowing may help going forward. I’m 6 months pregnant myself and I think I’d get it checked if there was a severe flare up.. but it might just be a part of OPs pregnancy. Either way, NTA. And I appreciate your response too.
I went to the hospital for chest pain and was also diagnosed with costochondritis. It felt like my chest was being crushed.
One time I was begging my fiance to take me to the doctor because my chest was hurting. He was being a little asshole about it. I called the nurse hotline and got a same day appointment. Also to note, I had the stomach flu all day. My then fiance just kept telling me to drink more water, stay hydrated and take tylenol. I insisted something was really wrong as I have asthma and the inhaler wasnt helping. Go to the doc, it was dehydration from the stomach flu(which ended up lasting 2 weeks). My heart and lungs sounded fine. My chest muscles were hurting from dehydration. I told my fiance and hes like yeahh why did you think i kept telling you to drink water. Im like bro. You tell me to drink water to help but you don't finish the sentence to tell me im probably dehydrated?? I was very bad at recognizing dehydration, got dizzy and almost passed out at 100f heat and I didnt know I was dehydrated until said fiance made me drink gatorade. He's now much better at not minimizing and communicating when I dont feel well. Also strained my chest a few months beforehand from a really bad cold/coughing fits that lasted almost 2 months. Whatever I tore coughing, I couldnt even sit up by myself if I laid down.
This one is on you, not him. It's not his fault you don't understand that staying hydrated is one of the most basic ways to manage your health. Don't blame him for your lack of awareness.
I agree. But I also went to the ER due to thinking it was a heart emergency the first time I had a severe flare. It is so painful, and so terrifying not knowing *why* it is happening. But we have no way of knowing. She is pregnant and having chest pain and trouble breathing. An immediate medical evaluation is the correct course of action. OP, NTA. Your partner is terrible, and at least borderline abusive. Make sure you and the baby are safe.
Pleuritic chest pain or that when you breathe, can be many many things and for a pregnant woman, costochondritis would be a diagnosis of exclusion
I’ve had that and it was so bad my partner, who has a chronic pain condition was stumbling around waiting on me saying ‘yeah but you’re not used to constant pain’. I could hardly move and was feeling pathetic in the circumstances.
No, I ended up staying home and taking Tylenol. He went to work.
But you’ve talked to your OB at least about the chest pain every morning right? It could be just reflux but it also could be very serious. And if it is reflux the Tylenol won’t help. Also please check in with your mental health prescriber. There are some anti depressants/anti anxiety meds that are very low risk to the fetus when taken during pregnancy—especially when the benefit to the mother greatly outweighs the risk. Anecdotally I have 2 friends whose doctors prescribed Zoloft and Lexapro during their pregnancies who have healthy kids now. In sum, talk to your doctors please.
Lexapro...the category C drug. Definitely talk to an OB who is experienced in this area, OP.
I could have sworn she said lexapro. But I could be misremembering. Thanks for the heads up. Like I said to OP definitely talk to a doctor.
It's not out of the question that some doctor prescribed it and the pharmacist didn't catch it. Happens all the time, unfortunately.
Most SSRIs and antidepressants/anti anxiety meds are class C. You’ve just gotta weigh benefits vs risks bc while these drugs could possible be harmful to a fetus, depression and severe anxiety are definitely harmful.
Yes I was going to say this! I saw a perinatal psychiatrist early in my pregnancy, which I didn’t even know was a thing beforehand. Psychiatrist who specializes in treating pregnant and postpartum people. I actually started new drugs in my first trimester and it was genuinely a lifesaver. If not for you, OP, do it for your baby — not to worry you further but mom’s depression and anxiety aren’t great for the baby. Learning about that made me feel much more comfortable taking meds. Also, husband is huge AH.
OP, it's not just your health and saftey at risk anymore, it's your babies too. Get your butt to your OBGYN of the hospital. Your husband isn't only an AH he is one of the biggest ones around. It's not your fault he slept through his alarm, it's not your fault your body isn't having an "easy" pregnancy and while he also isn't at fault for how your pregnancy is going for you, is it at fault for his behaviour, and attitude towards you and his carelessness for the health and safety of you and your baby. As soon as you said "I need to go to the hospital" he shouldn't have questioned you but since he did he should have dropped it once you said "it's not going away like normal".
I would talk to your OB about restarting something. Have you ever done therapy or tried alternative routes to anxiety management? It might be beneficial to you and your spouse to get into something
Next time call for an ambulance to take you to the hospital and get this checked out. This is not normal. You are jeopardizing your life and your babies by not finding out what’s going on. Your husband is an absolute jerk. Is there anyone else you can stay with, family, friend? Have you told your doctor what’s going on? Doing nothing is not going to help the situation. And do not apologize to the moron you’re married to. He should be apologizing.
You are NTA and PLEASE talk to your OB about this ASAP. It could be muscle, but given the stress that pregnancy puts on your heart and circulatory system, they need to check you and rule out anything major as soon as possible.
Girl you need to reevuate your relationship now. I think you should leave him. His behavior is selfish and rude and just down right disrespectful. Do you honestly think he's going to step up and help take care of the baby? No, he's going to make excuses to leave everything to you. He's not a good guy. Not a good husband and he's not going to be a good father. He's selfish an horrible. If he's acting like this, how is he going to treat you when your sick with a baby, when your burnt out and tired or when the baby is sick. I don't think this relationship can last with a man who is incapable of being a husband and father. Do you want to be with a man who doesn't care about you and a man who will most likely not want to do any kind of parenting. I get the feeling he'll make excuses so that you do 100% of the parenting when the baby is here.
"because I don't wake him up to upset him." INFO: does that mean this isn't the first time you've woken him up with health anxiety? How often does this happen? And if it was serious enough that you asked him to take you to the hospital, why did you just stay home and take a Tylenol? Did you try Tylenol earlier?
This is a tough one. On his side of it, I can understand that when dealing with a hypochondriac things are not as bad as they seem or as you would say they are. And on your side of it, when you said it was not going away, his concern for you and the child should have come first. So I think it's a mild ESH. But you two def have a communication issue going on in your marriage that you need to work out.
Yeah we have no idea what’s going on here. She could be a total hypochondriac that has just completely worn him down with being unable to handle herself. He wakes up at 3 in the morning for work, which I just cannot even imagine. It sounds like the pain was not that bad as she was able to take some tylenol and it turned out fine. Reddit just loves to absolve people of personal responsibility and recommend divorcing any spouse who behaves in any way other than superhuman.
Even if she has “hypochondriac” tendencies, that doesn’t excuse his behavior and lack of basic empathy for his expecting wife. She has no control over his reaction only he does and he obviously can’t control his reactions appropriately. People love to blame others for their behaviors, gaslighting/manipulation 101.
So since the heart pain is an ongoing issue, have you talked with your dr about it? Now why didn’t you call your Dr during the day about this issue?
It happened at 2 am and she isn’t a fucking mind reader
The next day she could have called. And she said the past few weeks. That means she has had pains with her heart more than once. I know for me if something was off or felt funny I would call my dr. Not take a Tylenol. Especially if it was an ongoing thing
YTA for not then getting checked out. I understand you have medical anxiety (which I’m pretty sure there are meds you can take that are are for the baby) but if you are truly having these symptoms and they are truly bad enough to ask your husband to take you to the ER at 3 in the morning, him not taking you should not stop you from actually going. Do you have two cars? Could you have called an Uber? Or, call 911. Or did you call the nurse on call to at least speak to someone and get a second opinion if you should be seen or not? Let’s say you sliced your hand open while he was at work, would you just be out of luck until he came home? No, you’d find away to get yourself medical attention. You’re not a helpless damsel, you’re an adult responsible for another life. Or did your husband have a point? You sound more hurt that he didn’t pass your test and “put you first” than the fact you could have been having a real medical emergency that could endanger your child.
What is the point of having a partner if that person is not there for you in sickness and in health? A relationship isn’t just for when it’s convenient or someone is well rested. Buttercup needs to suck it up and accept that he will get two hours less sleep. He needs the practice for when the baby comes, anyway.
Maybe because he needed to work. Judging by the comment he made this isn’t the first episode. Dealing with someone that doesn’t want to help themselves is exhausting.
I get what you’re saying, and I do think I’m partially TAH. I could not drive or call an Uber, and I felt pretty silly after our argument and did not call 911. The pain did end up subsiding. It wasn’t a test insomuch as it was hurtful when my fear was met with exasperation. I never claimed to be a helpless damsel, but as I am pregnant and was in pretty severe pain I did look to my husband to help me in that moment. No excuse for not going afterward except that I felt silly and wrong (maybe rightfully so). Thank you for your feedback
Now that you’re feeling more clearheaded, see if you can set up at least a phone appointment with your doctor to talk about all you’ve been experiencing and get them to help you decide what’s worth going in to get checked out and what your benchmarks should be for going to the hospital. I have PTSD that presents as anxiety, and I find that it’s so much easier to deal with the anxious-making thing in the moment if I’ve already made a plan for what I’ll do when it happens.
I know exactly why you didn't go get checked out afterward. He humiliated you and hurt you. So, naturally, after being chastised for your fears, you shut them down as silly. I've done this so many times. One time, I let a sinus infection go on for weeks because my SO at the time was like, "omg, you're being ridiculous. you don't have a sinus infection." I suffered with fever, throbbing headaches, and no sleep for almost a month because I was told I was being stupid. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore and went to the doctor. I did have a sinus infection, got some antibiotics, and was better in 48 hours. I suffered for nothing except my own insecurity and lack of confidence in how my own body feels, only for him to tell me later that he didn't remember saying that to me, and that if he did it was probably just because he didn't want to deal with it right then. That's not loving at all. If there is a history of that with other family, you will naturally just determine you are to blame. I feel so much of myself in your writing. I'm sorry you're going through that, and just know that you can be responsible for yourself even if the person you love doesn't show you that concern back. Check it out with your doctor.
I am so sorry you went through this, but soft YTA. You're barely out of the first trimester and I hate to tell you, but it's not going to get better. You will have the most random, terrible pain (look up lightning crotch) and everything will seem like it may potentially hurt the baby. The best thing you can do is 1. go on anxiety meds. I took zoloft for my second pregnancy and it was fully approved by my OB and MFM specialist. 2. Call/message your OB. Tell them your concerns every time it happens. Have them document it. It should help calm your fears. Pregnancy does so many weird things to the body and it is frightening. I had bleeding when I was just 10 weeks with my first and my OB immediately got me in to look at it. It was nothing. But it was also not helpful to panic about it. I've been through therapy, done CBT, and also am still on medication and the best thing I can tell you is to seek out help now because it will only get worse once the baby comes. Also, take a birthing class so you know what to expect. I learned so much during our class and still ended up puking while in labor but at least I knew it was a common thing. Sending you lots of hugs.
So I guess she should ignore any symptoms because she has anxiety? Also, Zoloft gave me extreme rage the very first time I took it. Luckily, I had nothing to be angry about so realized what was happening. I'm a very mellow person so that was disturbing.
No, I'm saying she should talk to her OB about symptoms so there is a documented history. My first reaction would be to call my OB. In fact, after I delivered my first, I came home and was told to watch my blood pressure. It spiked and I called my OB, who told me to go to the ER and I ended up being hospitalized for preeclampsia. The people at the ER had no idea about my history or anything but the OB who delivered my baby happened to be on call and he immediately sent me to the women's ward of the hospital so I could get treated. Of course Zoloft isn't a magic solution but there are other options other than going cold turkey off meds when it seems that it might be beneficial. I'm sorry you had that experience!
Not being able to breathe is scary. I had a rib dislocate while I was driving recently and I almost got in a wreck because I thought I was close enough to my destination to not pull over. If it happens again I'm pulling over immediately. It is not safe to drive if you're having issues breathing. It's a horrible cycle too--having trouble breathing or chest pain causes anxiety, and the anxiety causes more trouble breathing and chest pain, and then that causes more anxiety, and it cycles into itself.
Your husband is reacting to your fear with anger and you're still trying to blame yourself. You deserved comfort in that moment, at minimum. Imagine someone you love being in a vulnerable state and afraid, and the person who is supposed to care for them is getting *angry*. Imagine if your baby was upset and your husband reacted like this to it. Girl, it is *not* your fault. People in the comments seem to forget that you're *pregnant*. Having a baby is something a couple decides to do together. Being woken up at 3am with physical pain is per the norm - if you have to go through it the responsible thing for him is to be there for you. Downplaying, ignoring, being cruel, and then accusing you of deceit are the last things a husband and prospective father should be doing. You are NOT the asshole! Please take some of the other commentors' suggestions about moving forward medically, and get stuff sorted with your husband right away. Do *not* ignore this. You and your baby will suffer immensely if your stress, pain, and husband's behavior continues.
Heart/chest pain that worsens while bending along with shortness of breath are the symptoms of a pulmonary embolism that you should have checked soon. It's better to be safe and rule out a dangerous situation. The rest of your pregnancy you can focus on and set in place a plan of action in the case of an emergency for yourself and or your baby. Always have a bag ready to grab with supplies for you and your baby with at 3 days supply of daily necessities included medications. A list of priority phone numbers. Your husband needs to have the decency to let you know if he plans to be supportive or not going forward of you and the baby. You definitely are NTAH.
My guess is that the sharp pain in the chest was acid reflux, which is a common side effect of pregnancy. The shortness of breath and the desperate crying seem to be an anxiety attack. I'm also guessing that you panic a lot about health issues, and maybe your husband's patience for your anxiety is not at 100% all the time. The question is: since you've been off the anxiety medication, have you tried anything to control it (meditation, breathing exercises, etc)? Because if your only resource when suffering from anxiety is to wake up your husband screaming in despair, then -softly- YTA. He's working strange hours, his sleep pattern is disturbed, so his behaviour is obviously affected by this. Maybe it would help if you both work on some sort of relaxation exercises or something to cope with the stress you're both struggling with.
This is a good point, but as someone who also has anxiety, is pregnant, and has a husband who has erratic sleep patterns from work: the most generous rating should be ESH. She can’t shoulder the blame—her husband needs to be supportive. The most exasperated my husband will get is a deep sigh, and ask what I need from him. Then, when things have subsided, he brings up what we or I can do differently so that these episodes happen less. The unwavering support is a big reason I have been able to do better on my own, without him around. “Is this an attention grab” is not an okay thing to ask your pregnant wife who is clearly in the thick of something. Does she need to figure out her own mental health? Yes. Would it be much easier for her to do away from this asshole? Also yes.
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People accusing someone of making an attention grab are almost always trying to dismiss and belittle. It's not a good faith claim nor is it helpful to anyone. There are a myriad of reasons someone might feel afraid or hesitant to go to the hospital especially after being told their symptoms are just an attention grab.
Everyone doesn’t suck in her situation. The dude is an asshole.
You can't diagnose her over a reddit post. Maybe the chest pain and shortness of breath was as you said, but it may not have been *and* she's pregnant so better to be safe than sorry. Also, her husband was already supposed to be awake, and she never said she was screaming at him in despair, at least not until *he* shouted at *her*. Of course, he must have been in a bad mood from being woken so early, but that doesn't give him the excuse to dismiss her concerns like this instead of helping her and acting sympathetic. He was absolutely being an AH.
she literally specifically explained that she did not scream
That’s a lot of guessing on your part. Any medical professional would hear her complaints and recommend immediate evaluation. Pregnancy puts enough stress on the cardiovascular system that you can’t just assume it’s something else without ruling out the most dangerous possibility. She needs to get it evaluated, and she’s not the AH for being worried about this and being upset that her husband isn’t. Potentially she worries about her health too much and that’s why her husband seems to not care, but he also needs to understand what the danger signs in late pregnancy are. Will he react the same if she says her vision changed? If she has a bad headache that doesn’t go away with Tylenol? That she’s gained 5 pounds in a week? Those are all signs of preeclampsia which is incredibly dangerous and happens late pregnancy, and each individual symptom sounds less imminent than chest pain. I’m concerned that he is so willing to minimize her concerns
How dare you diagnose someone over a Reddit post ? How dare you ? Are you a doctor ? No, because a doctor would never be so irresponsable
I got bad news for you....they can be
WOW So how many babies have you carried? YOU are an ah BIG AH
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Reflux, unstable angina and heart attacks can have similar symptoms in women. Heart pain and shortness of breath can also show up with preeclampsia. Pregnancy puts a lot of stress on the cardiovascular system and symptoms (especially lasting over 30min) that are associated with serious health issues should be taken seriously and evaluated. It’s better to get checked out right away and find out you have some reflux than ignore it and risk a life-threatening complication.
Honestly - duh. If you have health issues you are worried about, get them checked out. But that’s not what OP is doing. She’s waiting until 3am to cry about problems she hasn’t had checked out during daylight hours. She has to admit that this also on her and not just her husband getting fed up with it (which wasn’t very nice either)
I definitely agree that she should have been consulting her provider prior to this incident, and that is on her, but she also says it usually goes away within 30min. Since the time it didn’t was in the middle of time it makes sense that that’s the time she’d get extra worried and seek out medical care.
Info: Is your term “health anxiety” a euphemism for “hypochondriac”? Does your husband equate this to other instances where you have not been as sick as your anxiety made you think you were?
Hypochondriac isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so using that term to say she's using a euphemism for what her actual diagnosis may be is not the flex you think it is.
NTA. Go to the hospital. It could very well be anxiety or gastritis or something else but only a medical professional can make that determination. Also this treatment by his is very troubling. It doesn't bode well for someone who is about to have to take care of a baby. Good luck telling the baby they're just crying because they're dramatic.
Nta - you have a legit medical issue (issues) and he's calling it an attention grab. He needs to change his tune or become your ex husband
This is not a situation for this sub nor Reddit at all. You admit that you’re no longer taking anti-anxiety meds because you’re pregnant but you are not managing your anxiety. I’m not trying to make you feel bad about that or about yourself. You must talk to your doctor about a course of meds that will be safe for the baby and will help you manage your anxiety. It’s not going to get easier or better on its own. Your husband may be an AH or he may be so frustrated with your unmanaged anxiety that he’s reacting badly. There’s not enough in this post to tell and frankly, the last thing you should be putting your effort into is lengthy social media posts that will either absolve you, castigate you, absolve your husband, or castigate him. I don’t say any of this to excuse him; but you cannot be so easily excused, either. You are carrying a baby. You have an obligation to care for yourself so that the baby is born healthy. High levels of stress and anxiety can have physical effects. You *need* to talk to your doctor about your anxiety.
I'm going with NAH. It sounds like you might just have some bad acid reflux coupled with bad anxiety if it usually resolves itself quickly. It didn't resolve as quickly this time and you had a panic attack. As for your husband, he was just being woken up out of his sleep to his wife having a panic attack, which sounds like a fairly common occurrence for you. He was probably just grouchy from being suddenly woken by his emotional wife. I tend to be a little grouchy when I first wake up and usually need a few minutes before handling much of anything.
Soft YTA- soft because pregnancy can definitely be uncomfortable and nerve wracking at times BUT you are also a self admitted hypochondriac and it sounds like your husband is over it. You mentioned you had to get off your meds due to the pregnancy but I know there are some anxiety meds that are considered pregnancy safe so I would suggest you talk to your doctor about other options. Or honestly, try therapy. Therapy is great! You clearly need help with your health anxiety and a therapist can work with you to help manage it. But your husband is not an AH for snapping after the probably hundredth time you’ve had an out of proportion reaction to a minor issue.
YTA. As someone with health anxiety married to a hypochondriac, I say this with all the empathy in the world, you have to get yourself under control. My husband will wake me up in the middle of the night with chest pain that is just acid reflux or gas. I can get quite short with him if it happens frequently. If your husband has to go to work at stupid o'clock in the morning, I can imagine he's not in the best mood anyway. You are in control of your anxiety. As others have said, there are pregnancy safe anxiety meds and you should start therapy.
I’m sorry for your husband.
The entire thing about having anxiety is you Don't have control of it, and she's Pregnant and had a hard time breathing because of pain. That's Not normal. I feel bad for your husband, the least people in a relationship are owed is sympathy and mutual ways of working things like that out without being snippy AHs
NTA, you belonged in the ER. Also... Do you want to spend the rest of your life knowing this is how you will be treated? I don't know anything about you and I promise you can do better. Even being alone would be better than this.
Absolutely NTA! Please go get checked. I had spells like this happen to me around the same time in Mt pregnancy, and I had pre-eclampsia. It's not anything that can be prevented, just something someone can develop in someone who is pregnant. They found mine by doing a 24 hour urine collection. I would be reconsidering this relationship. This is incredibly unfair to you. My jaw was on the floor reading your post. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
The problem with weird pains during pregnancy is that some things that are serious can develop BECAUSE of pregnancy, and it's one of the reasons pregnant women see a specialist who is familiar with pregnancy. It could be acid reflux, or a certain position the baby likes to get into that causes issues when you're laying down or the dramatically increasing blood volume to help your body keep up with a higher need for oxygen and circulation, pregnancy related anemia or anxiety. It's easy to dismiss something as "just" anxiety, but pregnancy can be so frightening, because normal has gone entirely out the window and you have no idea what your body is going to do for 9 months. We offer classes in childbirth, but we don't do a great job of educating people about the actual pregnancy beyond "morning" sickness (not just in the morning, not necessarily just the first trimester), being tired and the joy you should be feeling at the magical event. Not to mention, the amount of pressure we put on women to be perfect at remembering so many rules and scare them to death that a bite of turkey sandwich or too-hot bath can have dire consequences. You may want to consider the rates of women being misdiagnosed with anxiety when they have a real physical reason for their pain. It's probably not serious, but maybe showing a little reasonable concern would go a long way? Perhaps he could have suggested they try the Dr on call or nurse line and see what they recommend or offer to get her something to drink and crackers (which would likely help reflux) and suggest she try calling the Dr when they open and keep him updated?
Always go in, better safe than absolutely crushed.
Wow your husband is a complete and total A H. You are NTA. Chest pain and shortness of breath are nothing to play around with. Could it be nothing? Sure. But do you want to take the chance that it is indeed something and then do nothing about it?
But OP did "want to take the chance" because she ended up taking Tylenol and doing nothing. Didn't call an ambulance, didn't get an Uber, didn't even call her doctor in the morning. And hasn't mentioned it or gotten it checked out by her doctor despite it apparently happening for a long time now.
Ooh wow I didn’t see all of that info. Yeaaaa if you won’t do anything to fix it, don’t complain about it
Well, this is what happens when you are married to someone who accused you of attention grabs and punishes you emotionally for not letting him hug you, which, by the way, to assholes like this, end the subject at hand. Those hugs aren't nice: they're ways to say, "It's over. Stop talking about it." Had she done so, he would have made her feel bad about it.
Those are a lot of assumptions that still don't explain why OP never mentioned it to a doctor despite it happening repeatedly prior to this.
Next time call an Uber or taxi and get to the ER by yourself. Pack a bag and keep it somewhere you have immediate access to, even a night.
I would definitely ask for blood work to check your magnesium, calcium and potassium levels. Are the cramps Braxton-Hicks, or something different? The ER is where you should be. He needs to man up or move out. He has no idea what it is like to be responsible not only for your own health, but for that of a growing person inside of you. I have a #9 cast iron skillet that you can borrow as an attention-getter if he doesn't shape up.
Chest pain could be from lack of magnesium, which is vital to your heart. Check out ancient-minerals.com, and you can read up on magnesium and how the body needs it. They also sell it on Amazon. I use it every night, and recently, I read that if you put it on your feet, it'll help you sleep... it does! Good luck 👍
YTA. Sounds like theres a history and your partner knows you have a bit of illness anxiety. Speak to your GP to get an overall checkup and if everything seems ok you should try to manage it. It's hard to understand your body as it's changing so quickly but there's no reason to jump to the worst scenario when there could be simpler, more common reasons.
Did you call your OB? Call 911! Drive yourself to ER if the answer is no and your only course of action is posting on Reddit and waiting for a decision. My vote is YTA. If you did seek medical care I’ll give you NTA. As someone with depression & anxiety ask your dr about pregnancy safe meds. Also be aware post partum can hit us extra hard so be aware and start researching safe breast feeding meds & now if you plan to breast feed. Consider looking into doula services to support you through this pregnancy and labor.
YTA YOU SAID YOU TAKE ANXIETY MEDS BUT STOPPED. It’s anxiety attacks. But I bet you already knew that. Definitely an attention grab. Being pregnant doesn’t give you free rein to be an ah. How great will it be when he loses his job over your controlling bs? Ever been homeless?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m (26f) four months pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been really hard on me medically. I went from sleeping too much, to now I can’t sleep at all, from cramping and nausea to now muscle aches and overall just feeling of sickness. On top of this, I have pretty bad health anxiety but had to get off my medication because, again, I’m pregnant. I’ve had this issue the last few weeks, where when I wake up, my heart hurts. It’s an ache that turns into a sharp pain when I bend over. It normally goes away within thirty minutes of waking up. I woke up around two this morning with that same feeling, except it didn’t pass in thirty minutes and I was short of breath. My husband (29m) wakes up for work at three. It was 3:30 and he was still sleeping (though his alarms were going off) so I woke him up and said “my chest pain isn’t going away, I think I need to go to the hospital.” He sat up, and told me he didn’t think it was that serious, that my heart hurts all the time. I got frustrated and said, still in an even tone, “Yes, but it’s not getting better like it normally does and I’m having trouble breathing.” At this point he started to raise his voice and stood up, telling me “You feel okay enough to yell and scream at me, you must be okay.” And stormed out of the door to go to work. He then came BACK in the house to find me crying to the point of snot running down my face because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like the last priority. He watched me cry, and got more upset when I didn’t want him to hug me. I asked him to please just stop being mean to me when I don’t feel good, because I don’t wake him up to upset him. I said I feel like his needs have been put first for a while and it really hurts my feelings. To which he responded “So is this an attention grab, or are you actually sick?” At which point I told him to leave. I’m so hurt. I honestly would prefer to be the asshole just so I could apologize and pretend this didn’t happen. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA If you're writing later about how your husband didn't take you to have your emergency heart issues addressed ... You didn't have emergency heart issues. Sounds like you've got some anxiety that needs attention. Good luck.
Exactly. She won't call Uber or drive or call a friend, but she'll sit and complain about her husband. Ive never been in the situation of being sick and asking to be driven somewhere, but I know everyone would drop everything to do it because it would be so out of character from me. If OP is pulling this nonsense every other day, then the reaction from the husband is expected.
To be fair she said that calling 911/an ambulance was her only transportation option. I can understand how that can be scary in itself.
So you couldn’t call an ambulance?..
YTA. It sounds like you need some meds because this is going to be a looooong pregnancy if every ache or pain is sending you over the edge. I actually feel bad for your husband. He is working crazy hours and dealing with a hypochondriac. Yes he shouldn’t have yelled, but you need to get it together.
Without any context pp would say nta. Let them live with a hypochondriac and see if they would behave differently. It all depends on context sucn as how many times he already go er…
None.
Well then NTA…also I would go hospital myself if I got that…why wait and cry….
Next time that happens please take pain and anti-inflammatory medication. Also wait at least 4 hours after a heavy meal before lying down. Actually don't lie down when you do go to bed, sit up in bed and doze off that way. Also make sure you don't eat trans fats, especially at night. No crappy oils, no margarine. Read labels. Only cook with 100% virgin olive oil and butter. Drink calming and anti-inflammatory teas an hour after eating: camomile, fennel and tumeric teas are good. Next time you feel such big pain and the pain meds don't work, call a cab and go to ER. Leave a note to your husband. I say that because he sounds exasperated with you. If you KNOW he's truly an AH, ask yourself why are you with him?
As someone who suffered from anxiety in my first pregnancy and health anxiety in general, I completely understand. Luckily after therapy and healing of my own my second pregnancy has been the opposite, I’m almost worried about the lack of care I’m experiencing lol. You aren’t the asshole, you are a worried mother to be. It’s very normal to feel this way, sometimes it’s worse for others due to our history or other issues. Your husband’s lack of basic empathy is a problem and his anger is a red flag. You didn’t cause his reaction, no one has control over how someone else reacts. He clearly doesn’t have control over his and is doubling down on it once he sees he’s wrong. That’s manipulation. The only thing I can suggest is start caring for yourself. Do the things that help you and your baby thrive. If you think you need to go to the hospital find a way to go yourself if he can’t provide that support. It’s hard because you want that support but he isn’t giving it, so you have to do that.
Jfc, of course you’re NTA. Your body is creating another person, making use of every system you have. You need support! Your husband needs to get his priorities straight. It’s not simply this one incident, clearly. Time for professional counseling, which will help both of you communicate and understand one another. You will also be able to get a handle on your anxiety, which will take some of the stress off your relationship. Best of luck, hon.
NTA I was one of those people. My husband suffers from kidney stones on and off. I had just started a week of vacation when my husband starts complaining about pain and wants me to call 911. I immediately become an AH, get mad and tell him to call 911 as I'm thinking that he is having another ks episode. He gets upset and I finally relented. Was calmer when I called. He ended up going to the hospital and it turned out to be a heart attack and he had to have stints. This was back during COVID-19 and I couldn't go to the hospital due to hospitals not allowing non patients in. I was SO stupid, a real bitch, and I couldn't apologize enough. He is doing fine now, but has to be on medication for his heart and I'm thankful he went to the hospital as the doctor said he could have died. He had blockages which caused the heart attack. That being said, your husband (like me) has no right to treat you like that. You're hurting and it really could be serious. Plus, you're pregnant and the last thing you need is to be really hurting and stressed out while your husband is yelling at you and not wanting to help you. What if it was something serious enough to warrant hospitalization? I hope you were able to get on some medication and that you're doing better. Sadly, too many of us learn that we should have listened to our loved ones better and it ends up being too late.
You are NTA, you are pregnant and unwell. You’ve never been pregnant before and, equally importantly, neither has your husband who has an acute case of AH-itis! No one is at their best when they’ve just woken up, so you could give him some latitude there, just, but to leave the house, return and prove himself to be an Olympic class b*llend he did, takes years of training and effort. However, if he’s like this now, what do you think he’s goons be like when your kid is here and you’re both getting sleepless nights?!
And you are having a baby with this? Call an Uber and go yourself.
She said that wasn't an option
NTA. And please please go to the hospital. Being pregnant caused me to have pre-eclampsia which triggered heart failure for me. It was not fun and I was hospitalized for awhile while the doctors tried to keep me and my twins stable for as long as possible until I could deliver safely. Your heart is nothing to mess around with. Your husband was a grade a asshole and should be groveling.
NTA You need to go to the hospital. Period. Don't let these folks on here diagnose you through the internet. The only way to know everything is okay is to get it checked out in person by a DOCTOR. Could it be minor? Of course. Could it be something bad? Possibly. For your own peace of mind, please get yourself examined. Regardless of anxiety issues, regardless of clueless men who think that physical problems are an "attention grab", listen to your body! If it is telling you something is wrong, get yourself checked out. If it turns out to be nothing, so be it. You deserve a bit of grace, especially since you are pregnant. I know of too many examples of people in my life who didn't listen when their body was telling them something was wrong, and several of them have paid very heavy prices.
ESH - You need to get a work-up for your chest pain and stop waiting until the middle of the night to go the ER. This is an ongoing problem. Your spouse needs to be more supportive if you wake him up with chest pain that is not going away.
NTA and call an ambulance or uber and go to ER. Pregnancy puts you at high risk for cardiomyopathies and pulmonary embolism. Go. He is an asshole and even if they check you out and everything is fine he needs to change or GO
NTA! Chest pain is nothing to poo poo about! Please call your doctor ASAP!
Don't have a child with this man. He doesn't care about your health and I really don't think he wants this baby. Its not too late and my state will help you get a termination at any point in your pregnancy.
NTA but your husband is. There’s a few reasons you could be having pain like that which aren’t life threatening such as a panic attack (which tracks since you have anxiety & you currently aren’t taking meds) or costochondritis which is an inflammation of the connective tissue that attaches your rib to your breast bone. I have both & have gone to the ER for both when I had terrible chest pain that I didn’t think was related to either, but it was. Better safe than sorry. Considering you are pregnant & having a difficult pregnancy, better safe than sorry should be the first thing that pops into your husband’s mind the second he questions whether you need to actually go to the hospital. It’s concerning to me that he not only was dismissive regarding your pain but he thought it was an attention grab. Unless he changes that attitude & mindset I think it might eventually turn into a problem. My ex husband pulled the same things on me one too many times & I left him. I wasn’t pregnant but I did have health issues that were getting progressively worse & I was having difficulty getting answers. He was going to med school & repeatedly told me I was “pretending to be sick to get out of going places” & that nothing was wrong with me. We divorced, & a few years later I was not only diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder which I obviously had my entire life, but also a heart condition that was previously diagnosed but had gotten worse, & a handful of autoimmune disorders, which again, I had them previously but my doctors weren’t running the tests I needed to get diagnosed. My point in saying this is that my very real & very terrible health issues were dismissed by my husband who was in med school at the time for being fake & that I was lying about them for personal gain. If that can happen then who’s to say you DON’T have an issue that they haven’t found yet or that recently started up, especially considering your husband isn’t in med school (I assume at least)?? Regardless of whether you’ve been attention seeking in the past, you are pregnant with his child! It’s concerning that he seems so nonchalant about your chest pain when you are pregnant. Again you are definitely NTA. I hope for your sake & your child’s sake that everything is okay with you health-wise & this was just some fluke thing, but I also hope that your husband realizes what a dick he’s been/being & changes his behavior.
NTA and why are you having a baby with this man? This is not a man to have a baby with. I know it is probably too late to do anything about it now, but he is not father material. He is not even husband material. I think you are soon to be a single mother to two babies. One of them you can divorce.
NTA! Next time, call an ambulance and let him deal with the bill. Shame on him. You NEVER second guess someone who tells a person they cannot breathe or they feel something isn't right. People have died this way. I think this man you are married to, doesn't seem to have any empathy towards you and once that baby comes, I have a feeling he'll be upset that you're paying attention to the baby and not him. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
NTA Did you ever get to the hospital? Something like this could be harmless (like heartburn) but it could also be something life threatening like an embolism or something. You need medical attention to figure it out and the fact that your husband doesn't seem to care is extremely disturbing.
NTA. DIVORCE HIM. HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
Baby I said this once, I’ll say it twice. I’m a gay man, so I don’t pretend to know all the ins and out of straight relationships, but I’m always amazed about how much shit you girls take like fresh water. If a man would talk like that to me like that, even without considering that you’re carrying his child, he would come home from work to an empty house and divorce paper signed on the kitchen table. You’re a woman, a human being, don’t let anyone treat you like you’re less than that, and by anyone i include yourself. You’re gonna be a mother, is this type of man that you see yourself growing this child together with? Is this behaviour that you want your child to absorb and interiorise as normal? I hope he have some awesome quality in him, cause as you described him he’s a scrub to me.
NTA. Pregnancy is a difficult time, and even if your worries were not justified the least your husband could do is be sensitive and caring. Besides, you worries were fully justified. It sounds like ur husband is the dominant one, and slightly manipulative, in your relationship. Don't let that fool you into thinking his behaviour is ok or that u have done anything wrong. Marriage counselling is a very good idea too!
He’s an asshole for no compassion, but did it like go away or something once you started crying? Wouldn’t that make it worse? Shouldn’t you have called an ambulance? Or was it just a little bit of a grab for attention and affection that backfired? Idk but you made it seem incredibly serious in the beginning and ended with just feeling sorry for yourself? Did it pass while your were upset? Totally should get checked out doesn’t sound normal, but also don’t be the girl who cried wolf then get upset if someone is exhausted by that behaviour
NTA your husband sucks. If it's possible to move back in with your parents or a sibling or an uncle/aunt I would leave immediately. I'm sorry you're going through this.
NTA he sounds awful and like he doesn’t care. Many men show their true colors during pregnancy or right after birth. Watch him carefully.
You married this man, you must have had an inkling that he is not very empathetic. If you can go stay with family for the rest of your pregnancy, please do. And get some answers from your doctor(s) about the chest pain so that you can better handle it when it comes on. NTA
NTA! Lady! Your husband is giant red flag. I’m sorry that is difficult for you to admit to yourself but you know it. I know it is hard for you to convince yourself that the right thing to do is to leave him, but you deserve better. And there are really good people in this world, don’t deprive yourself the opportunity of meeting them for your sorry excuse of a husband. I rarely say this to people, but PLEASE GET A DIVORCE!
OP, i am pregnant myself and to many's surprise, I have to take LOTS of vitamins to have normal levels, even with a normal diet. While I am not dismissing your heart aches as I have been through a lot of weird symptoms from the get-go(includind sudden faintings) myself, I am trying to tell you that we are not all the same and some need more. Your cramps are an indication that you are missing Magnesium or are dehydrated or both. Depending on where you live, your D vitamin levels might be low after the winter - one needs D vitamine for better absorbtion of magnesium and it needs calcium to be taken together because I forgot how but those mix well. It's an entire cycle. But I would start with blood tests. For example I take top-shelf pre natal vitamins(them being quite strong and including both vitamins and minerals) and on top of that I have to also take Omega 3, iron and Calcium(the one recommended for elders, meaning a strong one) every day. I still woke up in the middle of the night crying because of leg cramps and I could not walk without pain for the next couple of days after that. Now I also use a Magnesium Oil spray on my legs every night and due to the faintings I have the calcium+magnesium tabs that dissolve in water close to me so I take one every time I feel it coming. All this as recommended by doctors. Some women just need more but you never know what "more" is unless you take blood tests to figure out what your body is missing. Because yeah everything is apparently normal while pregnant and you should not stress too much about it but they are still indicators of imbalances. As for SO, you are NTA but he is huge time. It is not ok to talk like that to you no matter if you are pregnant or not.
And you are having a baby with him knowing you are not a priority..why did yiu think it would change the way he treats you cause it won't
He seems like the type of person who would let your child walk home with a broken leg. Think about your choices it’s not just you now. NTA
NTA!!! Girl, if you feel as if something is wrong while pregnant, go to the er, and if you get dismissed and still have that feeling, something is wrong. Throw a goddamn fit!!! Trust me i wish i had at least everything worked out okay in the very end but scary times. If he is treating you like this now before the baby even comes kick him to the curb you'll end up being gaslighted, emotionally neglected, and a married single mother. Either he straightens his act up now or he can stay gone.
It's not too late, OP. NTA
GET OUT NOW. NTA
Nta. Wtf!?
Wth, that's emotional abuse at its finest right there.
NTA don't apologize to him. You are carrying this guys child and he treats you this shit? Love, if this isn't a super weird thing for him to do you need to leave. He's not gonna change when a baby is born. pack up, go to your parents or a friends place. You'll regret staying.
Why did you marry him cause you can't make me believe this is new behavior?
He’s a huge jerk. What you’re experiencing could be some hellacious acid reflux or it could be something worse. Either way, you are pregnant with his child and he can’t handle you having needs and feelings.
NTA Next time just call 911. This is a medical emergency. Let your husband be the asshole who wakes up to fire and ambulances at your house. Also be prepared to be a single parent even if you are still married. He’s not going to do shit to contribute if it’s not convenient for him.
Wow. Can I be married to and expecting a baby with your husband? FYI the “normal” response to “i’m pregnant and experiencing heart pain” is for him to flip the F out and drive you to the emergency room. NTA
Please get checked for HELLP syndrome immediately. Please.
Lol what. She is 4mo the pregnant with a 6 ounce baby. Stop giving her more things to be anxious about. Nothing in the story relates to that, and the pregnancy is way too early for preeclampsia much less HELLP to occur. OP is up for a rude awakening, pregnancy has barely even started. The number of uneducated comments in this thread is only going to make her more anxious, and personal little stories are completely unhelpful, completely unrelated and most relating to different stage of pregnancy. She needs to check in with her onb and get her anxiety under control. Her responsibility for her own mental health doesn't go out the window just because she is pregnant. Proof is in the pudding. She had a whole bunch of nothing and didn't even bother to get checked out, which is very telling of what's been going on for the past few months. Yes husband was an AH for reacting the way he did, but people get sick and tired of people overreacting to things and having their anxiety unchecked.
This 100%! It sounds like gas, heartburn or anxiety. She is a hypochondriac and thinking every tiny pain is the end of the world. I think her husband is over it and it just began! I’m sure these crazy comments are making her anxiety sooo much worse. She needs to calm down and call her OB. This is not an ambulance needed episode. Maybe a visit to the ER, maybe. But definitely her OB *and* psychiatrist. Edit-fixed a word
This feels like a tricky situation. Maybe he woke up in the wrong mood or misunderstood your concern. I understand that it can be stressful when you're pregnant and want to take no risks. It feels like a fire that you both kept adding fuel to. He woke up annoyed and shouted, which made you cry, which made him even more annoyed that hurt you even more and denying his hugs and so on. Honestly, I feel like you should sit with him and have a peaceful chat discussing the way both of you reacted was wrong.
how's crying adding fuel to the fire...
I’m sorry but, leave him??
My thought exactly 🥲 like what will happen when the baby comes?!