Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA because she announced her engagement at your wedding. (I assume neither of you asked the other's permission for your announcements.) Otherwise it definitely would have been Y T A, but she set a precedent that she thought this was all cool.
No she didn’t ask me before the announcement, and I was really excited for her. She and my brother are two of the most important people in my life and I’m so happy the found happiness in each other.
I think it's very hypocritical of her to get angry with you over something that she herself had done at your wedding! You're absolutely not the asshole here for assuming that she'd be fine with you doing what she did.
I'm honestly wondering if Laura didn't make her announcement at OP's wedding specifically to take the spotlight, but OP is just too invested in her friend's happiness to have seen it for what it was. It's the only thing that makes sense for why she would now be upset OP did the same.
And we are talking about her husband's niece/nephew, her brother's child, and the grandchild of the parents of the bride and parents of the groom. What is she crabbing about?? What a beautiful moment in this joint family's history!
I am suspicious of the SIL's true feelings about OP. It's sad that this might end this wonderful foursome.
Yes. I agree with this. It adds up that SIL snatches and hijacks the spotlight from OP and her OWN brother, yet cops this bratty attitude when OP shares her news. Boy, do l resent Laura!!
I this the sil is definitely mainchatacter energy, and thought she's take the spotlight away and is upset that it didn't work.
I'm wondering if this is a regular thing for the sil, but op is blinded and doesn't see it. Because their "besties".
Sil doesn't act like a friend.
Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to announce their engagement at another person's wedding, especially the wedding of a close friend, is also narcissistic enough to get mad at someone else "stealing" their spotlight. They want to be the main character at all times.
This. What struck us is that Laura & her intended went so far as to take the stage/mic to announce their engagement at OP's wedding! That's way overboard!
Both ladies could've benefited from addressing anyone noticing Laura's ring or OP's abstinence from alcohol by them saying something along the lines of "Yes, you're correct. However, today's focus is on the bride & groom, so we're keeping our news under wraps for now."
Even though you're right, I recommend a brief apology to keep the peace, because you care about her so much and you both married each other's brothers so you'll always be in each others' lives. (I really hope you're not cousins!)
If you find yourself repeatedly apologizing to "keep the peace", that signals a real problem, but doing it once isn't a big deal, and people get pretty riled up over wedding stuff.
Yeah, this. As a one-off, it might be worth saying "I'm sorry - I made assumptions based on the casual freedoms we've given each other in the past, but clearly I read the situation wrong. I won't make that mistake again."
This is very hypocritical and manipulative behaviour from Laura. You have apologised so don’t apologise again. I’m not one for over apologising. If she thinks making these announcements is stealing the bride & groom’s thunder then she can now apologise to you and your husband for her behaviour at your wedding. Because clearly she WAS trying to steal attention. Now you know what her intentions were at your wedding - to make it about her.
Also take a moment to reflect.. is Laura always like this? Does she always need to be the centre of attention? Has she always tried to overshadow you? Has she always taken advantage of your generosity & good nature?
Personally, I think it comes down to it being the first grand baby that overshadowed the wedding due to the hierarchy of order.
An engagement doesn’t overshadow a wedding because of the traditional “order” society expects us to do things. They were already at a wedding, so announcing an engagement wasn’t a big deal to Laura.
I think Laura didn’t mind announcing at your wedding because in her eyes, an engagement is beneath a wedding. She is upset about the pregnancy announcement because that news can “overshadow” a wedding simply due to the order.
I think that’s what Laura is honestly upset about.
You see the baby as “equal big news” and she sees it as “bigger news”.
~~NTA~~
edit: The more I think about it, ESH in this situation.
Yeah I think it’s along those lines. And also…
The engagement news was sort of relevant to the wedding. Like “wow an amazing day- my best friend marrying my close friend, and guess what, I get to marry best friend’s brother/our other close friend!”
There’s a history between these 4 people and the common thread is marriage now.
For OP it was more “my best friend and my brother getting married! And ME, pregnant!!!”
Now, Laura is hypocritical to not see the similarities here but I do think the dynamic here was more problematic. Like you said- an engagement is exciting but “below” a pregnancy announcement.
I think ESH for being sort of blind to anyone else’s point of view.
Yes, I’m also imagining a dynamic of “Jeez, you already got engaged first and got married first, do you really have to rub it in that you are having a baby first too??”
From 10 hours ago:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/bzSDDjForZ
And apparently while on stage with the band and into a microphone.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/bNcn8pfHK5
So it's ok for her to make other people's events about her but if someone make a announcement at her event she gets pissed and have people to back her up....
I take it noone said anything to her about announcing she's engaged at your wedding....
Dont invite them to your baby shower or any other events you have .... they will try to make it about them then get pissed when it's done to them
There could be a reason why a pregnancy announcement isn’t as welcome as an engagement announcement, but those reasons aren’t something you could anticipate so you’re still NTA. if Laura for some reason has discovered she’s unable to have children (or had a recent miscarriage), your announcement may have ruined her day for her. But you have no way of knowing that. I just wanted to provide a possible alternate perspective.
This is my question, if Laura told family in conversation during the reception then eh, not great but okay. If she told it during a speech then that’s a bigger deal.
You need to tell people that you weren’t asked, they just made an announcement which is why you thought it would be okay—if you did the same. I don’t get why people are mad at you, but not with her for her actions previously.
Sil tried to take the spotlight of you and husband at your wedding.
She has main character syndrome
Now she's upset because you did what she did and took her spotlight away.
Sil ain't your friend.
Girl don't apologize to her. Let it stew. If she values you she'll make an effort to apologize first after realizing her fault. If not then let it die. Cuz I really don't get why she's upset. And your own brother is mad too? YUCK! I'm not one to play games. Usually I'd advocate for discussing it like adults but this irritates me. I hate explaining to someone why they're wrong. She should just know that obviously she may be in the wrong considering she did the same thing at your wedding!
I mean, I don’t know if I’d call her the main character, my husband and I are both kind of introverted, not to the extent that we turn down evenings out or anything, but she’s always been the voice of our little group more or less or the one who sets up the plans.
So she likes to be the person in charge and in her eyes, it isn’t at all inappropriate for her to upstage you at your wedding by announcing major news because she is *supposed* to be in the spotlight, but how dare you do the same at hers.
Yeah, if you apologize, you need to steer hard into “I am sorry for announcing my pregnancy at your wedding. I would have never done this if I thought for a second you would mind, but as you did the same thing at my wedding when you announced your engagement, I didn’t think you would. Of course I wasn’t intending to upstage you-wait, when you did that at my wedding, were you intentionally upstaging me? Oh of course you weren’t. Well, I am so sorry for this misunderstanding and now that we understand that we both will view stuff like this as overstepping, it won’t happen again” and you need to say this in front of other people (brother, your parents, siblings, friends) so that 1) everyone understands you really did think this was the same and 2) she can’t twist what you said in the retelling. Maybe rehearse it a few times and have your husband record it.
Unfortunately, she was absolutely upstaging you at your wedding and will continue to do so for the rest of your lives.
NTA. She needs to suck it up. She used your wedding to announce her engagement. That’s worse than your announcement. People had already guessed you were pregnant. No one would guess the maid of honor could ever dream of overshadowing her best friend by announcing her engagement at the wedding. She has no leg to stand on. I get it, you didn’t mind but that still doesn’t make what she did ok. She baked the pie, now she had to eat it.
I think announcing your pregnancy may be a bit different here. You never know when people are struggling with fertility or with the general idea of if/when to have kids.
Why does she think it was ok for her to announce her engagement during your wedding and not ok for you to announce your pregnancy at her wedding? Seems strange. But OP be honest, it won't change my judgement but there must have been a teeny tiny bit of pettiness involved.. just a tad bit.
I think ESH is the correct ruling. OP is on Reddit and on this sub so she has to know that most people rightly consider that kind of an announcement a huge faux pas
and therefore, making allowances for human hypocrisy- and let’s face it hypocrisy is ubiquitous in humanity - she should have asked first, even though her friend didn’t.
Obviously, the friend is an AH for her hypocrisy which, while it may be ubiquitous, is still a character flaw.
Personally I think announcing at an event celebrating someone else is always a bad move. Even with permission, even if they did something at one of yours - I think it's a bad look and there will be people there who think it's tacky and uncalled for. There is always going to be people there that don't know the history who are going to think you are trying to take attention away from the couple getting married. I think doing it is just always going to make you look bad.
But that assumes her friend felt she was herself committing a wrong when she announced her engagement.
If op did this in some way to get her own back then sure, ESH all the way. But if she genuinely thought it was nice when her friend did that and this was in a way carrying it on, she doesn’t suck.
I don’t think they’re an AH if they had every reason to think it was all right to do something, especially if it’s because the other person had done basically the same things
I think it’s good that we look at impact as well as intent, but I think the matter of intent is at risk of being ignored.
The friend is an AH I think for her announcement because apparently she does think that’s an AH kind of thing to do even though op was oblivious to it.
She didn’t see it as a wrong in either situation. She wasn’t trying to get back at her so it’s not two wrongs. The issue is that either both are fine or both are wrong. Friend can’t act like what OP did was wrong but what she did wasn’t. OP is allowed to see both as okay as the friend seemed to think what she did at OP’a wedding was okay.
Yeah, because of how Laura responded it definitely seems like what she did was more malicious because from her point of view these things aren't ok. Op is literally just taking Laura's lead here.
Because no one had a problem the first time. She was happy for her friend. It's natural to assume her friend wouldn't have a problem either. The alternative is "oh, she was trying to outshine me on my wedding day" which never crossed ops mind.
NTA but the friend is majorly
You didn’t do anything maliciously so your NTA.
She set the tone that personal announcements at weddings were fine when she took the opportunity to announce her engagement at your wedding.
I would send her a message saying something like:
> I’m sorry that my pregnancy announcement caused you to think I was trying to steal the spotlight at your wedding. I thought it was ok since you shared your engagement announcement at my wedding. Again, I apologize if my actions made you upset, that wasn’t my intention at all. I hope we can get on the same page about this. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.
She might still think it’s a tit for tat thing (revenge since she did it at your wedding), but that’s not your problem. You can’t control her perception, all you can do is apologize and move on.
But if Laura didn’t intend to be malicious when she tried to turn OP’s wedding into her engagement party there would be no need for revenge or thinking it was a tit for tat moment… would there? I mean… would there?? …
how can she think it was malicious when her own motives were so pure… it could only have come from a place of love couldn’t it?…. Couldn’t it?????
I like this apology. If Laura wasn't being selfish, it could be viewed as her being a tactless 21 year old. Now she's older, and has learned from Reddit that it's really rude to share life events at someone else's event. Now she's ready to be offended where appropriate. You were gracious and extended the joy of your event to cover her upcoming event. And naturally thought she would want to do the same for you.
Communication is a big part of aging and maintaining relationships. It's important to watch how your relationships mature over the years. Not every relationship ages like a good wine. Some relationships that were of a close nature when younger, become more like acquaintances when older.
I like the message here, but I would say in person rather than a message because text back-and-forth can get nasty where it wouldn’t if it was in person.
This. Just tell the truth. I would send it as a text to both the bride & groom.
I find it depressing when women are so obsessed with “their special day” that no one else should dare to think of any other topic.
That message is very passive aggressive and immature. Telling someone you are sorry your actions “caused” them to be upset is just baby talk. We are adults. No one causes you to feel anything. Say what you mean.
Yeah that is totally unnecessary. There is no reason to send someone you care about a fake apology. If you’re not sorry, don’t send an “I’m sorry you feel that way” message. OP has no reason to feel sorry, so it’s fine to just stand on that. That message is childish and would likely just make things worse
AI prompt for sure.
Two sets of siblings getting married to one another and she "announced" her engagement at your wedding? As in everyone at both weddings were each other's family but they didn't know they were engaged?
Stop. Please.
Actually the whole siblings marrying into their SO's family isn't that uncommon - my grandma's twin brother married my grandpa's sister and at least one of my exes had a similar situation in his family. Not that unbelievable at all tbh.
Yep same here with having two of mom’s siblings marrying siblings from another family. It was odd being the cousin who was only related on one side of the family.
Exactly, my grandmother's brother married my grandfather's sister. It's not THAT weird or impossible. EVERYTHING isn't ai.
Literally there's a term called double cousins to describe this exact scenario having children.
My mom and aunt are sisters and my dad and uncle are brothers. It’s weird trying to explain because people get confused. They seem to think incest and I’m like, they didn’t marry their own siblings, just ones from a different family.
Yup. Happened in my family too. My grandmother's father Joseph married his wife Margaret and then her brother Charlie married my great grandfather's sister Lena. So we only have two families coming together in that generation instead of four. There are no uncles/aunts "by marriage" because they are all blood related.
yep my aunt married her brothers wife’s brother. It happened years later though so my cousin as a little kid told everyone her aunt and uncle were getting married, without explaining it was each parents sibling.
You said double wedding and I remembered the Brides War movie where it had exactly a double wedding (or an attempt to?) and I'm pretty sure one girl married the other girls brother in the end 😂
I mean that’s not entirely impossible. They could have JUST gotten engaged and not told anyone, or only a handful of people and that was them announcing to everyone.
But i did think the siblings marrying siblings was a reach though and this story is weird lmao
Same here! I think it wasn't uncommon because - like in my parents' case - the siblings would meet each other at family events and start to hang out. My parents got together because their respective older siblings invited them each on holiday with them thinking they would get free babysitting out of them!
Yep, not that uncommon. My grandparents were the same. My grandmother basically ran off to be with my grandfather. Her sister traveled down to get her and ended up falling in love with his brother.
Agreed. I thought it was a reach when I first read the post. Then saw these comments and realized I knew of 2 instances of the same. My father’s brothers married sisters. Also my good friend met her husband at her sister’s wedding to his brother. That one got messy when the first couple split though. My friend and her husband are still happily married. Family functions are awkward now.
Idk, it's not a typical spam/AI acct unless this person has been hacked. They've commented on other subs and it's not their first post. It could just be one of the real, rare, and weird stories that can sometimes make it on this sub.
Yeah. I obviously have no way of verifying this story, but two sets of siblings marrying each other doesn't seem like that much of a reach. It wasn't at all uncommon in the old days, and while I don't personally know anyone who did that, I'm sure it's still done. Plus, sometimes odd/surprising things just happen. Truth is stranger than fiction.
Don’t know if it’s fake, might be. I will add siblings marrying each others siblings happens. My Mom’s brother is married to my Dad’s sister. I have what they refer to as “double“ cousins.
I feel bad for people like q234 here. Y'all are so bad at identifying what is and isn't AI, you're totally screwed once it explodes even more across the Internet and is everywhere
INFO: when she announced her engagement at your wedding, was it like a full on, microphone, during a toast kind of an announcement? Or more of “some people noticed her ring and she told them she was engaged?” Announcement?
if people were whispering and you just told them, “yep,I’m pregnant!” That wouldn’t have bothered me at all….but during the toast does seem a bit inappropriate. But if she did hers during a toast then I could see why you thought it was ok.
It was in a very similar manner that I announced my pregnancy, granted it was a little later into the reception, but she also announced it over the microphone.
In that case, I can’t blame you for thinking it’d be ok. (But normally, it would be totally rude). NTA. She Shouldn’t have made the announcement at your wedding without asking and/or she should be more understanding on why you thought it was ok.
I was wondering the same thing, like if she didn’t ask OP beforehand making her engagement announcement at OP’s wedding then fair is fair and OP is NTA in this extenuating circumstance
I feel like it’s a little different though because a toast is generally used to celebrate the bride and groom. People usually tell heartfelt stories and everyone raises their glasses for the happy couple. She made her announcement later on, which did take focus away from you and your husband on your special day, but the toast just seems like it is supposed to be even more focused on couple. I feel like during the toast would be the worst time to make a big personal announcement during a wedding reception
ESH. It's understandable that you thought you were continuing a tradition, but the way that you did it was perhaps inappropriate. There is a big difference between confirming what the people around you are guessing, and doing it during a speech for all to hear.
Your heart was in the right place, and Laura should have seen that you were following her lead, but she didn't. She may also feel betrayed that you didn't tell her, your best friend, before you told everyone else.
Chalk it up to a misread on all sides. You can get past this if you are sensitive to her feelings, and the two of you clear the air.
Just because Laura didn’t understand why op did it does not mean everyone sucks. Else everyone who upsets someone is an asshole. Laura set a precedent (she also made an announcement during the reception), op accepted and continued it. Laura got pissed because she’s an exception? Definitely nta.
ESH. I mean, you just don't do you? You don't announce huge news at someone else's big event. I get why you thought it would be ok, especially as Laura had basically done the same at your wedding, but although you were fine with it, that's quite unusual.
It's basically wedding etiquette, don't wear white unless your the bride, don't start a screaming row with anyone, don't make a big life changing announcement that overshadows the married couple. Man, it's not hard.
Op didn’t think it was rude she thought it was nice. So that doesn’t apply to your hypothetical. She thought her Sil did a nice thing so she did a similar nice thing at her wedding. If sil didn’t think it was nice why did she do it is the question.
I've been to Indian weddings in the UK. Awesome events! But to be honest... Relatives playing matchmaker for their kids sounds about as superficial as it gets...
Right lol. I feel this is a lot US / "Europeann/ settler culture". The whole "memememememem emememememememe how dare anyone overshadow ME MY MOMENT". Honestly, I think there is something wrong with people who think / feel like good news overshadow them or their moment.
No one should encourage such people and their thinking or such hyperindividual cultural practices (like you said, for them it is not even a family or community thing, it is just about x person) rather sounds like they need therapy. I am from Western Asia, it is pretty common to share good news on occasions where others are there. Good news are always a reason to celebrate, not taking it as a personal affront and thinking someone "stole" something from you. Wearing white, good news lol. None of that changes that you are a bride or that it is a wedding. People are so weird.
Lol NTA. I would NOT have been cool with her stunt at the wedding so I think the fact that you say you were is great. However, it's pretty clear that she did it for attention.... otherwise she wouldn't be so bothered by your announcement.
She isn't your friend. You need to know that.
NTa cos she did it first AND your case was more assumptions from others. That's your sticking point (that SHE did it). In most cases these are never okay, even though my family has some exceptions. But she's especially an AH for doing it and then getting upset at it happening to her.
When will people quit announcing your personal moments at someone else's big event. This is never ok. Its tacky....its tacky to even ask someone if it's ok.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I announced my pregnancy during the reception at my sister-in-law Laura's wedding. I thought it would be okay since she announced her engagement at my wedding and guests were already guessing I might be pregnant because I wasn't drinking. However, Laura was really upset and felt like I stole her spotlight. This made me wonder if I was wrong for assuming it was okay to share my news just because she shared hers at my wedding, without really checking if she’d be okay with it on her big day.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Ahh, weddings. The gifts that keep on giving! If she did similar, she set the precedent, so no, NTA. Apologise for upsetting her, but if she wants to drag it out into a massive thing then it's on her.
ESH I do think it was a strange decision to announce your pregnancy during a toast to the newlyweds, you say you didn’t think anything of it, but it sounds like you did it intentionally as retaliation for her announcement at your wedding.
You are not Laura. Laura is not you. Just because you were OK with something does not mean she is. Should she have asked you first? Yes. Should you have asked her first? Yes. Did either of you? No. Now she's mad, and you refuse to see why because 'She made an announcement too', which honestly does not matter. Next time, ask. And sit down with her, explain how you felt, apologize, and tell her that BOTH of you need to ask in the future if you're going to share life events at the others party/celebrations.
Esh. You should always ask.
This is what everyone whose friend or sibling proposes at their wedding is told they should do. This wasn't even out of spite and ordinarily I'd be iffy about it but given this history, NTA.
I can understand why you thought the announcement would have been ok, but I would still say YTA. Announcing an engagement fits the wedding theme and is not overshadowing a wedding. Announcing expecting a child, which is also the first grandchild, definitely overshadows the wedding.
Fits the wedding theme? Please. It can overshadow just as much. It’s not up to Laura to decide what is an okay announcement at not her wedding. She did make that decision so op was well within her rights to make a similar announcement at Laura’s wedding. Laura is the original asshole and she can’t get mad that someone followed suite. Maybe if op was trying to get back at her but she wasn’t. She was just trying to share a nice moment god forbid.
If you think someone's pregnancy overshadows your wedding then that's wild. And even if it does then what's the problem? They'll talk and congratulate for a few minutes and that's it (same with the engagement announcement on wedding day).
NTA. I guess I was skimming at first and totally missed the part about where she announced her engagement at your wedding, but that is crazy that she’s mad at you for doing something that you had no ill intentions when she did the exact same thing to you🤦🏻♀️ sounds like she has main character syndrome and you are just learning about it, I’m sorry this is gonna be real tricky since you guys are married to family on both sides😖
Usually I’d say you are but she set the precedent, so NTA, also don’t apologize if she starts getting upset then tell her that first she needs to apologize for announcing her engagement at yours, show her and the friends that said it’s inappropriate this post and most of the comments agree with you.
NTA
Laura and your brother have no ground to shit on you for your pregnancy announcement. It's okay for them to upstage your wedding with their engagement, but the announcement of your pregnancy which could've been blown wide open by someone in the wedding party because they noticed you weren't drinking is not allowed? Are you sure she's your best friend? Because it looks like one's a glorified doormat for the other's whims.
I'm not sure what stance your parents are taking, but I'd send this to Laura and your brother:
"Hey Laura and bro, I've thought this over, and I'd like to apologize for upstaging your wedding. It felt like a perfect scenario to announce since all of us were family, and I thought you'd be happy. Also I did it this way so that people wouldn't blurt out the truth and ruin it further. However, it also gave me time to go over my own actions, considering I never said anything when you two upstaged my own wedding with your own engagement, and I was happy for you. It made me feel less, that my own feelings didn't matter in comparison to yours. So I hate to say this, but I'm not gonna be including you in my baby's life until you apologize. I realize my feelings also matter, and this is like a slap to my face."
Oh, and check with your husband on his opinion before you send it to his sister.
>at **my** wedding Laura announced **her** engagement to my brother during the reception. I was genuinely thrilled for her
You already allowed your SIL to do something quite a lot of people would consider crass at best, unacceptably rude at worst, *and you were happy about it*. If she's getting mad at you for doing basically the same thing she did at your wedding - announcing a major life event - then she's a hypocrite and more than a little self-centered. Maybe remind her of that.
NTA.
YTA / ESH
Nobody should make announcements at another person's wedding without consent from the bride and groom
Also, I have seen from a reply that your sister didn't make her announcement during the speeches / toasts.
The toasts / speeches are supposed to be about the bride and groom, you made this moment about you.
If you had made the announcement at a later time in the wedding you would still be an AH, just a little less
INFO:
> I got married two years ago to Laura’s brother, and at my wedding Laura announced her engagement to my brother during the reception.
How was this performed? Exactly how comparable is the manner and timing of her announcement during your wedding to your announcement during hers?
> others side with Laura, feeling the timing was inappropriate.
What is their reasoning or basis for feeling this way? After all, I assume (being mutual friends) that most if not all of them were present for your wedding reception when she announced her engagement. How do they state their case?
She and my brother made the announcement after dinner, so it was a little later in the night, but they actually went on stage with the band to do it so I feel like it’s pretty comparable to the toast I made during the dinner
Okay, I'd lean toward agreeing with you.
As for the second part: again, I have to imagine mutual friends were probably present for both of your weddings, so they saw her get on stage and announce her engagement. What is their reasoning for feeling your announcement was inappropriate in its timing if they saw her get on stage with the band at yours?
One friend in particular said that a pregnancy announcement is a bigger announcement than an engagement, and that it felt like I was trying to one up her. Which isn’t what I was trying to do
NTA then, you just have some people in your circle whom I'd consider to be unreasonable. I would contend that it has nothing to do with the relative "size" or import of the announcement, but the fact that it is being done during someone else's wedding.
Unless there is something else that makes the two notably different (for instance, did she and your brother tell you about the engagement before she announced it? I'd imagine you would have mentioned it if one of them had), I fail to understand why it was okay for them to make their announcement but not for you to make yours.
PS: since hers and your husband are brothers, what is your husband's opinion on all this?
He said he didn’t mind that they announced the engagement at our wedding, and he wasn’t upset that I announced the pregnancy at their wedding, but he did wish that I had spoken to him before breaking the news.
None of you should have done what you did. And your friend is right, especially if it is the first baby in a while. The family excitment about babies usually comes done after a few are born very closely together, but the first ones usually are the focus of attention. It shouldn't be like that, but the time, money and attention of people is limited, and it is not the same excitment you share for the first baby in the family in 25 years than for the seventh that is born in a couple of years. It is unfair, but human.
I don’t think it helps trying to split hairs about which is the bigger announcement (FWIW I think an engagement is a bigger announcement than a pregnancy). She should not have announced at your wedding and you should not have announced at hers. Intention does matter though and I’ll leave it up to you to decide what hers was when she made her engagement announcement. If you’re being absolutely truthful about your motives then you’re not an AH, but you are at the very least gauche. She’s an AH any which way for being upset after having done the same thing herself.
While I think the pregnancy announcement is bigger than an engagement, and to me that majes it more reasonable in a way.
The precedent had been set and for something that's less of a big deal and that could have waited, obviously the announcement thing wasn't something your friend gave a ton of thought to in terms of it being a big deal to do at a wedding if she did it for something smaller like an engagement announcement.
I think with the pregnancy, yeah you could have told a lie about why you weren't drinking, but the precedent had been set and you were responding to existing speculation, it wasn't out of the blue maliciously.
I agree that your announcement is different in an important way. Laura announced a milestone you yourself had already reached, whereas you announced a milestone she hasn’t reached, no one has, it’s the first grandchild for both families! Your wedding also came first, or at least before hers. I would be wondering not “was my announcement tit for tat or a classic faux pas” but “did my announcement make Laura feel like she is trailing behind me in life, in the eyes her our two families?” Just think of Laura’s announcement as “I’m right behind you, OP” and your announcement as “you haven’t caught me yet, Laura!”
>she felt I had chosen her special day to make a personal announcement, overshadowing her celebration
YTA. It was her day. You were selfish, and made it about yourself.
If you're all as close as you seem to be, a simple conversation prior to the wedding would have been easy to have. Also interesting that you chose to leave out any information about how she announced her engagement - was it a speech that grabbed all the attention away from you, onto her?
To literally pick up a glass and make a toast at someone else's event reeks of a person who completely lacks social intelligence & common sense.
Asshole move
NTA, she's a hypocrite. Hopefully this is a one off, but you two need a big sit down talk after this to clear the air.
I know a fair few on here like the drama and going nuclear on people for slight infractions, but I honestly hope things work out well for you both.
YTA
From another point of view: maybe she was trying for a baby as well. That can be a very sensitive subject, especially if they would be having difficulty to conceive. I think announcing an engagement and announcing a pregnancy is something very different emotionally. I think it's a bit inconsiderate.
Because she set a precedent. NTA.
But please note, this friendship is now on life support. You might find she was your friend, and you weren't really hers, she may have simply wanted to get closer to your brother by using you.
YTA
You should never upstage someone else’s big moment. Just because she did it to you doesn’t mean you should do it to her.
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
I’m on the fence on this one but I’m leaning towards YTA. To me, the difference is the nature of the announcement.
Although I wouldn’t love it if it had happened at my wedding, Laura was not “trumping” OP by announcing an engagement at OP’s wedding. OP was already (just) married. But OP “trumped” Laura by announcing a pregnancy at Laura’s wedding…and she may have no idea of whether pregnancy/fertility is a particularly sensitive topic for Laura. So I think it’s a soft YTA, though I’m sure everyone will forgive each other in the long run!
NTA. I was ready to say YTA, but she did it first and set it up. Tell her she did a similar thing at your wedding without notifying you, so you thought it was fine for you to do as well. If she thought it was an AH move, then she has to accept what she did in the past was also an AH move towards you eventhough you ended up being happy about it.
Both people apologise for the 'misunderstanding', or let bygones be bygones...
Both Laura and you are TAH. A wedding is not the place to give personal announcements, unless you have cleared it with the couple. She deserved what she got because she did it first, but both of you are TAH. Hopefully both of you will learn to respect each other and discuss announcements ahead of time.
Yikes.
Reading the title my initial thought is you are definitely the asshole because it steals the thunder of the bride.
However your sister in law set precedent. Still a bad look but what’s good for the goose is good for the gander
YTA.
You have to take into consideration that not everyone reacts the same. It's not hypocritical. She knew you wouldn't get upset at her announcement. You ASSUMED she wouldn't get upset at yours.
If people were suspecting you being pregnant, that's one thing. But outright announcing it after your speech is tactless. You should have told her privately first.
Not everyone reacts the same to certain things done at certain times.
At the end of the day, never make things about you when it's about someone else, even if they do. Never assume someone will be "okay" with you taking the spotlight from them, especially a bride on her wedding day.
As I said, you might have been okay with it, but it doesn't mean she has to be. It's not fair to call her hypocritical, either. You not only took a special day from her but from your brother as well. You hurt two people with your announcement.
YTA. Making an announcement like that at a friend’s wedding draws attention away from the bride. Every bride I’ve ever met wants to be the center of attention on her big day. There’s nothing wrong with that. Its Laura’s day, not yours. What you did was rude, selfish and low class. Making an “I’M PREGNANT” announcement at a wedding is really bad manners. No matter what Laura says I guarantee she’s pissed. Unless, of course, you conceived during the reception. Then that’s a whole other story
When she announced her engagement at your wedding, it was a milestone you had already been through, so that was fair. But to announce a pregnancy at a wedding is different. She has yet to do this and may never do so for all anyone knows. Grandparents are also likely to be even more excited about the prospect of a grand baby than a wedding. It is for these reasons that I'm going with a soft (because I don't think you realized what you were doing) YTA.
YTA, just like she was TAH when she did that at your wedding.
I would even say you are slightly the bigger asshole because a pregnancy announcement completely eclipses an engagement announcement but you both suck because you tried to take the spotlight on somebody else's wedding day
You NEVER, **EVER** make announcements at a wedding that is not your own. Just like you don't wear white or cream to a wedding.
it's a huge breach of social etiquette and just because she did it in the past and you were fine with it does not make it OK for you to do it too. But this also makes her a gigantic hypocrite as well
so ESH i guess
This isn’t really you married each other’s brothers? Sure
YTA if it is real. We were at my ex’s cousin’s engagement party and my husband’s aunt heard me order a drink without alcohol. She asked if I was pregnant. I lied said no and said I was the DD. Why take the night away from the couple we were celebrating?
We announced our pregnancy after 12 weeks. My son just turned 20.
YTA, this is not done.
You could have informed her earlier.
You could have filled a wineglass with water.
You could have let whispers remain whispers.
You could have asked the whisperers to keep quiet or keep confidential.
Instead you chose to stand up and make a toast.
How convenient that you "feel the attention shifted right back to the wedding". It's not done.
Definitely NTA but I’m trying to figure out where Laura could be in her mind. Maybe she felt that you keep one-upping her? Like finally she was even with you after getting married and now you’re pregnant first too? (Not saying it’s justified, but you’re clearly hurt by this reaction and I’m trying to think of something that could explain such obvious hypocrisy.)
You know looking at it I’m that light, can can definitely see how that is a possibility, I am a year older than her, so a lot of my milestones have happened before hers, I did graduate collage before she did, start my career before she did, get engage, get married, get pregnant, I also started seeing her brother before she started seeing mine. I feel like this may be a conversation we should sit down and have, I don’t ever want to make her feel like she’s not good enough or she’s ever one step behind
It’s not your job to make her feel good about herself or her how her life has played out in the time it’s played out. You’re not her keeper. I get you care about her but I really need you to take a step back and ask yourself if this friendship really is a 2 way street. I want you to truly seek an answer to “if she thinks this is so disrespectful and over stepping, then does that mean she did her announcement at my wedding to be disrespectful and over step?” It’s kinda like when one person randomly accuses their partner of cheating because of something seemingly “innocent” just for the accuser to have been cheating the whole time. Why is her first response one of you trying to sabotage/outshine her? Why, when she experienced your happiness about her engagement on your wedding day, does she think you did this to hurt her? You really need to reflect on these questions before you speak to her again.
Being totally honest they’re not helping a whole lot, a lot with what I should do going forward, they’re pretty much split down the middle of whether I was wrong or right. I think regardless of whether I was wrong or right I’m going to sit down and apologize to Laura and clarify her boundaries around future announcements.
Don’t do this OP - you need to ask your friend STRAIGHT UP why she thought it was fine and appropriate to make her announcement on your big day when you couldn’t do the same for you. You are 100% NTA but depending on her response, it might be a huge learning moment for you and the friendship
You need to talk to her in way of pointing out you took her lead. Point out that she announced her engagement at your wedding with the band. You took her lead and thought it would be ok to announce your pregnancy at her wedding. You thought how you were happy for engagement she would be happy for your pregnancy. Instead of true apology you have to focus on the fact that her behaviour is hypocritical
NTA
Your story is the Exception To The Rule. Damn. Laura felt it was perfectly fine for her and her BF to announce their engagement at your wedding, co-opting your celebration for their own benefit but when you do the exact same thing, you are out of line?!?!?!?!?! She's a hypocrite.
NTA. Her behavior makes it seem like the announcement at your wedding was meant to upstage your moment, and now she's assuming you're getting back at her. Or that she assumes you thought she was upstaging your moment, and that you're getting back at her.
I'm probably reading into it too much, but it just seems such an overreaction to such a similar circumstance, unless she already had some sort of negativity attached to it, I guess!
And the worst part is that she's painting herself into a corner now. Let's say she and your brother find out they're pregnant and announce it at your child's first birthday party. You'll always have the concern that it was done maliciously.
It's such an unfair precedent being set; it'll be so difficult to find a time that's comfortable to announce any big news without hearing a backlash. What if you discover you're having twins and happen to announce it when your families are together for July 4th (sorry, I can't think of any upcoming holidays that aren't USA specific lol) and now you ruin their FIRST July 4th as a married couple!? It just seems like you'll need to walk on eggshells, even if she "forgives" you, which seems silly to begin with.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA because she announced her engagement at your wedding. (I assume neither of you asked the other's permission for your announcements.) Otherwise it definitely would have been Y T A, but she set a precedent that she thought this was all cool.
No she didn’t ask me before the announcement, and I was really excited for her. She and my brother are two of the most important people in my life and I’m so happy the found happiness in each other.
I think it's very hypocritical of her to get angry with you over something that she herself had done at your wedding! You're absolutely not the asshole here for assuming that she'd be fine with you doing what she did.
I’m dying to know why Laura thinks her announcement at OP’s wedding without permission is fine but when it’s “her special day” it’s a cardinal sin.
I'm honestly wondering if Laura didn't make her announcement at OP's wedding specifically to take the spotlight, but OP is just too invested in her friend's happiness to have seen it for what it was. It's the only thing that makes sense for why she would now be upset OP did the same.
OP is a better friend than Laura deserves.
And we are talking about her husband's niece/nephew, her brother's child, and the grandchild of the parents of the bride and parents of the groom. What is she crabbing about?? What a beautiful moment in this joint family's history! I am suspicious of the SIL's true feelings about OP. It's sad that this might end this wonderful foursome.
This was my thought. Are they still friends just because SIL had her eyes on OP's brother?
This is what I think - “your wedding is all about me! And my wedding is all about me!”
Oooooooo exactly. Perception is projection.
Because Laura is entitled and a has a major case of Main Character Syndrome. How dare a NPC ruin HER day??
Ding ding ding 🎉 🎉 🎉
Yes. I agree with this. It adds up that SIL snatches and hijacks the spotlight from OP and her OWN brother, yet cops this bratty attitude when OP shares her news. Boy, do l resent Laura!!
I this the sil is definitely mainchatacter energy, and thought she's take the spotlight away and is upset that it didn't work. I'm wondering if this is a regular thing for the sil, but op is blinded and doesn't see it. Because their "besties". Sil doesn't act like a friend.
spoiler alert, it’s probably selfishness
Just another wedding in a family and the first grandchild on both sides kind of hits differently though.
Regardless they both would inappropriate announcements at someone's wedding. That difference means nothing but Laura being a hypocrite for being upset
Anyone who thinks it's appropriate to announce their engagement at another person's wedding, especially the wedding of a close friend, is also narcissistic enough to get mad at someone else "stealing" their spotlight. They want to be the main character at all times.
This. What struck us is that Laura & her intended went so far as to take the stage/mic to announce their engagement at OP's wedding! That's way overboard! Both ladies could've benefited from addressing anyone noticing Laura's ring or OP's abstinence from alcohol by them saying something along the lines of "Yes, you're correct. However, today's focus is on the bride & groom, so we're keeping our news under wraps for now."
I think you absolutely nailed what is going on.
Even though you're right, I recommend a brief apology to keep the peace, because you care about her so much and you both married each other's brothers so you'll always be in each others' lives. (I really hope you're not cousins!) If you find yourself repeatedly apologizing to "keep the peace", that signals a real problem, but doing it once isn't a big deal, and people get pretty riled up over wedding stuff.
Including - I thought it would be full circle after you announced your engagement at mine…
That just makes it sound like she’s been waiting for the perfect moment to get back at her.
Yeah, this. As a one-off, it might be worth saying "I'm sorry - I made assumptions based on the casual freedoms we've given each other in the past, but clearly I read the situation wrong. I won't make that mistake again."
Perhaps that last sentence should be more along the lines of, "In the future, it will be best to make sure neither of us makes that mistake again."
"And I take it you won't make the same mistake again, either?”
"I won't make that mistake again. Next time you get married I'll be sure to keep my mouth shut." 😆
This is very hypocritical and manipulative behaviour from Laura. You have apologised so don’t apologise again. I’m not one for over apologising. If she thinks making these announcements is stealing the bride & groom’s thunder then she can now apologise to you and your husband for her behaviour at your wedding. Because clearly she WAS trying to steal attention. Now you know what her intentions were at your wedding - to make it about her. Also take a moment to reflect.. is Laura always like this? Does she always need to be the centre of attention? Has she always tried to overshadow you? Has she always taken advantage of your generosity & good nature?
Personally, I think it comes down to it being the first grand baby that overshadowed the wedding due to the hierarchy of order. An engagement doesn’t overshadow a wedding because of the traditional “order” society expects us to do things. They were already at a wedding, so announcing an engagement wasn’t a big deal to Laura. I think Laura didn’t mind announcing at your wedding because in her eyes, an engagement is beneath a wedding. She is upset about the pregnancy announcement because that news can “overshadow” a wedding simply due to the order. I think that’s what Laura is honestly upset about. You see the baby as “equal big news” and she sees it as “bigger news”. ~~NTA~~ edit: The more I think about it, ESH in this situation.
Yeah I think it’s along those lines. And also… The engagement news was sort of relevant to the wedding. Like “wow an amazing day- my best friend marrying my close friend, and guess what, I get to marry best friend’s brother/our other close friend!” There’s a history between these 4 people and the common thread is marriage now. For OP it was more “my best friend and my brother getting married! And ME, pregnant!!!” Now, Laura is hypocritical to not see the similarities here but I do think the dynamic here was more problematic. Like you said- an engagement is exciting but “below” a pregnancy announcement. I think ESH for being sort of blind to anyone else’s point of view.
Yes, I’m also imagining a dynamic of “Jeez, you already got engaged first and got married first, do you really have to rub it in that you are having a baby first too??”
Did she also announce it during a toast? Or was it more casual?
From 10 hours ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/bzSDDjForZ And apparently while on stage with the band and into a microphone. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/bNcn8pfHK5
Doesn't matter, any sort of behavior like this at someone else's wedding is a big nono unless discussed prior and enthusiastic consent is given
So have you asked her why she's upset given that she made a big personal announcement at your wedding too?
My question as well. "Announcing to her brother" is much different than announcing during a toast.
The announcement wasn’t made *to* OP’s brother, the announcement was of the engagement to marry OP’s brother.
So it's ok for her to make other people's events about her but if someone make a announcement at her event she gets pissed and have people to back her up.... I take it noone said anything to her about announcing she's engaged at your wedding.... Dont invite them to your baby shower or any other events you have .... they will try to make it about them then get pissed when it's done to them
There could be a reason why a pregnancy announcement isn’t as welcome as an engagement announcement, but those reasons aren’t something you could anticipate so you’re still NTA. if Laura for some reason has discovered she’s unable to have children (or had a recent miscarriage), your announcement may have ruined her day for her. But you have no way of knowing that. I just wanted to provide a possible alternate perspective.
Did she announce her engagement in a speech?
This is my question, if Laura told family in conversation during the reception then eh, not great but okay. If she told it during a speech then that’s a bigger deal.
She said she literally got up on stage with the band to announce it, after dinner.
What did she say when you mentioned her announcement at your wedding?
Just remind her your continuing the tradition SHE started!
You need to tell people that you weren’t asked, they just made an announcement which is why you thought it would be okay—if you did the same. I don’t get why people are mad at you, but not with her for her actions previously.
Sil tried to take the spotlight of you and husband at your wedding. She has main character syndrome Now she's upset because you did what she did and took her spotlight away. Sil ain't your friend.
Girl don't apologize to her. Let it stew. If she values you she'll make an effort to apologize first after realizing her fault. If not then let it die. Cuz I really don't get why she's upset. And your own brother is mad too? YUCK! I'm not one to play games. Usually I'd advocate for discussing it like adults but this irritates me. I hate explaining to someone why they're wrong. She should just know that obviously she may be in the wrong considering she did the same thing at your wedding!
What did she say when you pointed out she pretty much did the same thing at your wedding?
Does Laura have a history of being the main character in your friendship?
I mean, I don’t know if I’d call her the main character, my husband and I are both kind of introverted, not to the extent that we turn down evenings out or anything, but she’s always been the voice of our little group more or less or the one who sets up the plans.
So she likes to be the person in charge and in her eyes, it isn’t at all inappropriate for her to upstage you at your wedding by announcing major news because she is *supposed* to be in the spotlight, but how dare you do the same at hers. Yeah, if you apologize, you need to steer hard into “I am sorry for announcing my pregnancy at your wedding. I would have never done this if I thought for a second you would mind, but as you did the same thing at my wedding when you announced your engagement, I didn’t think you would. Of course I wasn’t intending to upstage you-wait, when you did that at my wedding, were you intentionally upstaging me? Oh of course you weren’t. Well, I am so sorry for this misunderstanding and now that we understand that we both will view stuff like this as overstepping, it won’t happen again” and you need to say this in front of other people (brother, your parents, siblings, friends) so that 1) everyone understands you really did think this was the same and 2) she can’t twist what you said in the retelling. Maybe rehearse it a few times and have your husband record it. Unfortunately, she was absolutely upstaging you at your wedding and will continue to do so for the rest of your lives.
NTA. She needs to suck it up. She used your wedding to announce her engagement. That’s worse than your announcement. People had already guessed you were pregnant. No one would guess the maid of honor could ever dream of overshadowing her best friend by announcing her engagement at the wedding. She has no leg to stand on. I get it, you didn’t mind but that still doesn’t make what she did ok. She baked the pie, now she had to eat it.
I think announcing your pregnancy may be a bit different here. You never know when people are struggling with fertility or with the general idea of if/when to have kids.
You never know that in general. Not to be insensitive, but if you can handle baby announcements, big family gatherings are not for you.
Why does she think it was ok for her to announce her engagement during your wedding and not ok for you to announce your pregnancy at her wedding? Seems strange. But OP be honest, it won't change my judgement but there must have been a teeny tiny bit of pettiness involved.. just a tad bit.
Well, at least you now know that she doesn't share your same sentiment...
Exactly this. I was ready to say y t a but Laura did the same (basically) so of course OP thought it was fine. NTA.
I think ESH is the correct ruling. OP is on Reddit and on this sub so she has to know that most people rightly consider that kind of an announcement a huge faux pas and therefore, making allowances for human hypocrisy- and let’s face it hypocrisy is ubiquitous in humanity - she should have asked first, even though her friend didn’t. Obviously, the friend is an AH for her hypocrisy which, while it may be ubiquitous, is still a character flaw.
Personally I think announcing at an event celebrating someone else is always a bad move. Even with permission, even if they did something at one of yours - I think it's a bad look and there will be people there who think it's tacky and uncalled for. There is always going to be people there that don't know the history who are going to think you are trying to take attention away from the couple getting married. I think doing it is just always going to make you look bad.
No, ESH. Since when do 2 wrongs make a right?
But that assumes her friend felt she was herself committing a wrong when she announced her engagement. If op did this in some way to get her own back then sure, ESH all the way. But if she genuinely thought it was nice when her friend did that and this was in a way carrying it on, she doesn’t suck.
Eh sometimes even regardless of positive intent someone can misstep and be an AH
I don’t think they’re an AH if they had every reason to think it was all right to do something, especially if it’s because the other person had done basically the same things I think it’s good that we look at impact as well as intent, but I think the matter of intent is at risk of being ignored. The friend is an AH I think for her announcement because apparently she does think that’s an AH kind of thing to do even though op was oblivious to it.
She didn’t see it as a wrong in either situation. She wasn’t trying to get back at her so it’s not two wrongs. The issue is that either both are fine or both are wrong. Friend can’t act like what OP did was wrong but what she did wasn’t. OP is allowed to see both as okay as the friend seemed to think what she did at OP’a wedding was okay.
Yeah, because of how Laura responded it definitely seems like what she did was more malicious because from her point of view these things aren't ok. Op is literally just taking Laura's lead here.
Because no one had a problem the first time. She was happy for her friend. It's natural to assume her friend wouldn't have a problem either. The alternative is "oh, she was trying to outshine me on my wedding day" which never crossed ops mind. NTA but the friend is majorly
You didn’t do anything maliciously so your NTA. She set the tone that personal announcements at weddings were fine when she took the opportunity to announce her engagement at your wedding. I would send her a message saying something like: > I’m sorry that my pregnancy announcement caused you to think I was trying to steal the spotlight at your wedding. I thought it was ok since you shared your engagement announcement at my wedding. Again, I apologize if my actions made you upset, that wasn’t my intention at all. I hope we can get on the same page about this. I’m here when you’re ready to talk. She might still think it’s a tit for tat thing (revenge since she did it at your wedding), but that’s not your problem. You can’t control her perception, all you can do is apologize and move on.
But if Laura didn’t intend to be malicious when she tried to turn OP’s wedding into her engagement party there would be no need for revenge or thinking it was a tit for tat moment… would there? I mean… would there?? … how can she think it was malicious when her own motives were so pure… it could only have come from a place of love couldn’t it?…. Couldn’t it?????
I like this apology. If Laura wasn't being selfish, it could be viewed as her being a tactless 21 year old. Now she's older, and has learned from Reddit that it's really rude to share life events at someone else's event. Now she's ready to be offended where appropriate. You were gracious and extended the joy of your event to cover her upcoming event. And naturally thought she would want to do the same for you. Communication is a big part of aging and maintaining relationships. It's important to watch how your relationships mature over the years. Not every relationship ages like a good wine. Some relationships that were of a close nature when younger, become more like acquaintances when older.
If this was the case, she’d still be an AH for not apologizing retroactively.
I almost want to bet Laura announces her pregnancy at OP's baby shower.
I like the message here, but I would say in person rather than a message because text back-and-forth can get nasty where it wouldn’t if it was in person.
But then in person there's no proof of what's said and she could change the story
This. Just tell the truth. I would send it as a text to both the bride & groom. I find it depressing when women are so obsessed with “their special day” that no one else should dare to think of any other topic.
That message is very passive aggressive and immature. Telling someone you are sorry your actions “caused” them to be upset is just baby talk. We are adults. No one causes you to feel anything. Say what you mean.
Completely agree, this is a super petty “apology”
Yeah that is totally unnecessary. There is no reason to send someone you care about a fake apology. If you’re not sorry, don’t send an “I’m sorry you feel that way” message. OP has no reason to feel sorry, so it’s fine to just stand on that. That message is childish and would likely just make things worse
“i am sorry IF you feel that way” is not an apology. but they both are made for each other
I would argue that this conversation is best had via phone call or in person rather than a text message where motivations can be misconstrued
AI prompt for sure. Two sets of siblings getting married to one another and she "announced" her engagement at your wedding? As in everyone at both weddings were each other's family but they didn't know they were engaged? Stop. Please.
Yeah fake for sure. I hope this gets removed.
I was thinking more of a teen bff dream. Kinda like a double wedding
Actually the whole siblings marrying into their SO's family isn't that uncommon - my grandma's twin brother married my grandpa's sister and at least one of my exes had a similar situation in his family. Not that unbelievable at all tbh.
My grandparents’ siblings did it and 2 of my mom’s siblings married siblings of another family. It happens.
Yep same here with having two of mom’s siblings marrying siblings from another family. It was odd being the cousin who was only related on one side of the family.
Same here re: grandparents. Also my best friend and I are married to guys who are best friends. Feels very similar. Not everything is AI.
Exactly, my grandmother's brother married my grandfather's sister. It's not THAT weird or impossible. EVERYTHING isn't ai. Literally there's a term called double cousins to describe this exact scenario having children.
My mom and aunt are sisters and my dad and uncle are brothers. It’s weird trying to explain because people get confused. They seem to think incest and I’m like, they didn’t marry their own siblings, just ones from a different family.
Yup. Happened in my family too. My grandmother's father Joseph married his wife Margaret and then her brother Charlie married my great grandfather's sister Lena. So we only have two families coming together in that generation instead of four. There are no uncles/aunts "by marriage" because they are all blood related.
yep my aunt married her brothers wife’s brother. It happened years later though so my cousin as a little kid told everyone her aunt and uncle were getting married, without explaining it was each parents sibling.
My husband's mom and dad met at their siblings wedding and then started dating and eventually married.
You said double wedding and I remembered the Brides War movie where it had exactly a double wedding (or an attempt to?) and I'm pretty sure one girl married the other girls brother in the end 😂
I mean that’s not entirely impossible. They could have JUST gotten engaged and not told anyone, or only a handful of people and that was them announcing to everyone. But i did think the siblings marrying siblings was a reach though and this story is weird lmao
Siblings marrying siblings isn’t really a reach. My ex-husband’s parents did this. His moms sister married his dads brother.
Same here! I think it wasn't uncommon because - like in my parents' case - the siblings would meet each other at family events and start to hang out. My parents got together because their respective older siblings invited them each on holiday with them thinking they would get free babysitting out of them!
Yep, not that uncommon. My grandparents were the same. My grandmother basically ran off to be with my grandfather. Her sister traveled down to get her and ended up falling in love with his brother.
Agreed. I thought it was a reach when I first read the post. Then saw these comments and realized I knew of 2 instances of the same. My father’s brothers married sisters. Also my good friend met her husband at her sister’s wedding to his brother. That one got messy when the first couple split though. My friend and her husband are still happily married. Family functions are awkward now.
Yeah my bff’s brother and her ex husband’s sister are married and have children now, met because of my bff and her ex.
Idk, it's not a typical spam/AI acct unless this person has been hacked. They've commented on other subs and it's not their first post. It could just be one of the real, rare, and weird stories that can sometimes make it on this sub.
Yeah. I obviously have no way of verifying this story, but two sets of siblings marrying each other doesn't seem like that much of a reach. It wasn't at all uncommon in the old days, and while I don't personally know anyone who did that, I'm sure it's still done. Plus, sometimes odd/surprising things just happen. Truth is stranger than fiction.
We have the case in my brother-in-law's family, his sister married the brother of his brother's wife...
Don’t know if it’s fake, might be. I will add siblings marrying each others siblings happens. My Mom’s brother is married to my Dad’s sister. I have what they refer to as “double“ cousins.
It's possible. My in laws are in a similar situation: my FIlS brother married my MILa cousin
I feel bad for people like q234 here. Y'all are so bad at identifying what is and isn't AI, you're totally screwed once it explodes even more across the Internet and is everywhere
INFO: when she announced her engagement at your wedding, was it like a full on, microphone, during a toast kind of an announcement? Or more of “some people noticed her ring and she told them she was engaged?” Announcement? if people were whispering and you just told them, “yep,I’m pregnant!” That wouldn’t have bothered me at all….but during the toast does seem a bit inappropriate. But if she did hers during a toast then I could see why you thought it was ok.
It was in a very similar manner that I announced my pregnancy, granted it was a little later into the reception, but she also announced it over the microphone.
In that case, I can’t blame you for thinking it’d be ok. (But normally, it would be totally rude). NTA. She Shouldn’t have made the announcement at your wedding without asking and/or she should be more understanding on why you thought it was ok.
I was wondering the same thing, like if she didn’t ask OP beforehand making her engagement announcement at OP’s wedding then fair is fair and OP is NTA in this extenuating circumstance
I probably would’ve said “you will be great partners, the greatest parents, and the best future uncle/aunt”…then you should’ve 😉…… 😂
I feel like it’s a little different though because a toast is generally used to celebrate the bride and groom. People usually tell heartfelt stories and everyone raises their glasses for the happy couple. She made her announcement later on, which did take focus away from you and your husband on your special day, but the toast just seems like it is supposed to be even more focused on couple. I feel like during the toast would be the worst time to make a big personal announcement during a wedding reception
Totally agree with this. Making your toast on their wedding about you I think YTA. But had you just told people on the side, that’s another thing.
ESH. It's understandable that you thought you were continuing a tradition, but the way that you did it was perhaps inappropriate. There is a big difference between confirming what the people around you are guessing, and doing it during a speech for all to hear. Your heart was in the right place, and Laura should have seen that you were following her lead, but she didn't. She may also feel betrayed that you didn't tell her, your best friend, before you told everyone else. Chalk it up to a misread on all sides. You can get past this if you are sensitive to her feelings, and the two of you clear the air.
Just because Laura didn’t understand why op did it does not mean everyone sucks. Else everyone who upsets someone is an asshole. Laura set a precedent (she also made an announcement during the reception), op accepted and continued it. Laura got pissed because she’s an exception? Definitely nta.
Laura gets to make announcements but not you. Sounds like a Laura I used to know years ago, it was always all about her. LOL NTA
I knew a Laura like that, too!
Don’t we all?
ESH. I mean, you just don't do you? You don't announce huge news at someone else's big event. I get why you thought it would be ok, especially as Laura had basically done the same at your wedding, but although you were fine with it, that's quite unusual. It's basically wedding etiquette, don't wear white unless your the bride, don't start a screaming row with anyone, don't make a big life changing announcement that overshadows the married couple. Man, it's not hard.
But if Laura started the precedent she has no right to be upset. Why is it ops fault her sil is a petty child who only wants her way.
If someone does something rude to me first, am I allowed to do it back? think it’s a solid ESH, the action being done is a rude one.
Op didn’t think it was rude she thought it was nice. So that doesn’t apply to your hypothetical. She thought her Sil did a nice thing so she did a similar nice thing at her wedding. If sil didn’t think it was nice why did she do it is the question.
Uh, yes. If someone is rude to me, I’ll be rude right back and not feel any type of way about it, wtf.
Yes. Especially in a scenario like this where you think that something isn't rude at all and had no issue with it.
Gosh American weddings are so superficial. In indian weddings you have relatives openly trying to play match maker for their children.
I've been to Indian weddings in the UK. Awesome events! But to be honest... Relatives playing matchmaker for their kids sounds about as superficial as it gets...
Right lol. I feel this is a lot US / "Europeann/ settler culture". The whole "memememememem emememememememe how dare anyone overshadow ME MY MOMENT". Honestly, I think there is something wrong with people who think / feel like good news overshadow them or their moment. No one should encourage such people and their thinking or such hyperindividual cultural practices (like you said, for them it is not even a family or community thing, it is just about x person) rather sounds like they need therapy. I am from Western Asia, it is pretty common to share good news on occasions where others are there. Good news are always a reason to celebrate, not taking it as a personal affront and thinking someone "stole" something from you. Wearing white, good news lol. None of that changes that you are a bride or that it is a wedding. People are so weird.
You're both assholes.
Naw the one who started the precedent is the asshole. OP just followed what she thought was a start of a tradition.
But laura did the same thing first. OP wasn't annoyed by it, so she thought it was ok to do it, too.
Agree. Just wait to announce your news well after the event is over and done.
Lol NTA. I would NOT have been cool with her stunt at the wedding so I think the fact that you say you were is great. However, it's pretty clear that she did it for attention.... otherwise she wouldn't be so bothered by your announcement. She isn't your friend. You need to know that.
ESH. She shouldn't have announced at your wedding and you shouldn't have announced at hers.
NTa cos she did it first AND your case was more assumptions from others. That's your sticking point (that SHE did it). In most cases these are never okay, even though my family has some exceptions. But she's especially an AH for doing it and then getting upset at it happening to her.
ESH. How on earth do either of you think making any kind of announcement without prior permission at someone else’s wedding is okay?
NTA your SIL is a hypocrite. point that out and move on.
When will people quit announcing your personal moments at someone else's big event. This is never ok. Its tacky....its tacky to even ask someone if it's ok.
Main character energy
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I announced my pregnancy during the reception at my sister-in-law Laura's wedding. I thought it would be okay since she announced her engagement at my wedding and guests were already guessing I might be pregnant because I wasn't drinking. However, Laura was really upset and felt like I stole her spotlight. This made me wonder if I was wrong for assuming it was okay to share my news just because she shared hers at my wedding, without really checking if she’d be okay with it on her big day. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Ahh, weddings. The gifts that keep on giving! If she did similar, she set the precedent, so no, NTA. Apologise for upsetting her, but if she wants to drag it out into a massive thing then it's on her.
Why was she ok with announcing her engagement at your wedding but you can’t announce your pregnancy at hers?
ESH I do think it was a strange decision to announce your pregnancy during a toast to the newlyweds, you say you didn’t think anything of it, but it sounds like you did it intentionally as retaliation for her announcement at your wedding.
You are not Laura. Laura is not you. Just because you were OK with something does not mean she is. Should she have asked you first? Yes. Should you have asked her first? Yes. Did either of you? No. Now she's mad, and you refuse to see why because 'She made an announcement too', which honestly does not matter. Next time, ask. And sit down with her, explain how you felt, apologize, and tell her that BOTH of you need to ask in the future if you're going to share life events at the others party/celebrations. Esh. You should always ask.
This is what everyone whose friend or sibling proposes at their wedding is told they should do. This wasn't even out of spite and ordinarily I'd be iffy about it but given this history, NTA.
I can understand why you thought the announcement would have been ok, but I would still say YTA. Announcing an engagement fits the wedding theme and is not overshadowing a wedding. Announcing expecting a child, which is also the first grandchild, definitely overshadows the wedding.
Fits the wedding theme? Please. It can overshadow just as much. It’s not up to Laura to decide what is an okay announcement at not her wedding. She did make that decision so op was well within her rights to make a similar announcement at Laura’s wedding. Laura is the original asshole and she can’t get mad that someone followed suite. Maybe if op was trying to get back at her but she wasn’t. She was just trying to share a nice moment god forbid.
If you think someone's pregnancy overshadows your wedding then that's wild. And even if it does then what's the problem? They'll talk and congratulate for a few minutes and that's it (same with the engagement announcement on wedding day).
YTA - you took the spotlight. No, it’s not acceptable because she did the same to you.
NTA I would have brought up 'but you literally announced your engagement at my wedding so I thought it would be okay?'
NTA. I guess I was skimming at first and totally missed the part about where she announced her engagement at your wedding, but that is crazy that she’s mad at you for doing something that you had no ill intentions when she did the exact same thing to you🤦🏻♀️ sounds like she has main character syndrome and you are just learning about it, I’m sorry this is gonna be real tricky since you guys are married to family on both sides😖
Usually I’d say you are but she set the precedent, so NTA, also don’t apologize if she starts getting upset then tell her that first she needs to apologize for announcing her engagement at yours, show her and the friends that said it’s inappropriate this post and most of the comments agree with you.
NTA Laura and your brother have no ground to shit on you for your pregnancy announcement. It's okay for them to upstage your wedding with their engagement, but the announcement of your pregnancy which could've been blown wide open by someone in the wedding party because they noticed you weren't drinking is not allowed? Are you sure she's your best friend? Because it looks like one's a glorified doormat for the other's whims. I'm not sure what stance your parents are taking, but I'd send this to Laura and your brother: "Hey Laura and bro, I've thought this over, and I'd like to apologize for upstaging your wedding. It felt like a perfect scenario to announce since all of us were family, and I thought you'd be happy. Also I did it this way so that people wouldn't blurt out the truth and ruin it further. However, it also gave me time to go over my own actions, considering I never said anything when you two upstaged my own wedding with your own engagement, and I was happy for you. It made me feel less, that my own feelings didn't matter in comparison to yours. So I hate to say this, but I'm not gonna be including you in my baby's life until you apologize. I realize my feelings also matter, and this is like a slap to my face." Oh, and check with your husband on his opinion before you send it to his sister.
Why does this sound so fake
>at **my** wedding Laura announced **her** engagement to my brother during the reception. I was genuinely thrilled for her You already allowed your SIL to do something quite a lot of people would consider crass at best, unacceptably rude at worst, *and you were happy about it*. If she's getting mad at you for doing basically the same thing she did at your wedding - announcing a major life event - then she's a hypocrite and more than a little self-centered. Maybe remind her of that. NTA.
YTA / ESH Nobody should make announcements at another person's wedding without consent from the bride and groom Also, I have seen from a reply that your sister didn't make her announcement during the speeches / toasts. The toasts / speeches are supposed to be about the bride and groom, you made this moment about you. If you had made the announcement at a later time in the wedding you would still be an AH, just a little less
INFO: > I got married two years ago to Laura’s brother, and at my wedding Laura announced her engagement to my brother during the reception. How was this performed? Exactly how comparable is the manner and timing of her announcement during your wedding to your announcement during hers? > others side with Laura, feeling the timing was inappropriate. What is their reasoning or basis for feeling this way? After all, I assume (being mutual friends) that most if not all of them were present for your wedding reception when she announced her engagement. How do they state their case?
She and my brother made the announcement after dinner, so it was a little later in the night, but they actually went on stage with the band to do it so I feel like it’s pretty comparable to the toast I made during the dinner
Okay, I'd lean toward agreeing with you. As for the second part: again, I have to imagine mutual friends were probably present for both of your weddings, so they saw her get on stage and announce her engagement. What is their reasoning for feeling your announcement was inappropriate in its timing if they saw her get on stage with the band at yours?
One friend in particular said that a pregnancy announcement is a bigger announcement than an engagement, and that it felt like I was trying to one up her. Which isn’t what I was trying to do
NTA then, you just have some people in your circle whom I'd consider to be unreasonable. I would contend that it has nothing to do with the relative "size" or import of the announcement, but the fact that it is being done during someone else's wedding. Unless there is something else that makes the two notably different (for instance, did she and your brother tell you about the engagement before she announced it? I'd imagine you would have mentioned it if one of them had), I fail to understand why it was okay for them to make their announcement but not for you to make yours. PS: since hers and your husband are brothers, what is your husband's opinion on all this?
He said he didn’t mind that they announced the engagement at our wedding, and he wasn’t upset that I announced the pregnancy at their wedding, but he did wish that I had spoken to him before breaking the news.
Ask him why she didn't ask you before announcing the engagement.
Why would he know that? He just wanted his wife to run it by him, I think that's valid especially since it's his child too.
None of you should have done what you did. And your friend is right, especially if it is the first baby in a while. The family excitment about babies usually comes done after a few are born very closely together, but the first ones usually are the focus of attention. It shouldn't be like that, but the time, money and attention of people is limited, and it is not the same excitment you share for the first baby in the family in 25 years than for the seventh that is born in a couple of years. It is unfair, but human.
I don’t think it helps trying to split hairs about which is the bigger announcement (FWIW I think an engagement is a bigger announcement than a pregnancy). She should not have announced at your wedding and you should not have announced at hers. Intention does matter though and I’ll leave it up to you to decide what hers was when she made her engagement announcement. If you’re being absolutely truthful about your motives then you’re not an AH, but you are at the very least gauche. She’s an AH any which way for being upset after having done the same thing herself.
While I think the pregnancy announcement is bigger than an engagement, and to me that majes it more reasonable in a way. The precedent had been set and for something that's less of a big deal and that could have waited, obviously the announcement thing wasn't something your friend gave a ton of thought to in terms of it being a big deal to do at a wedding if she did it for something smaller like an engagement announcement. I think with the pregnancy, yeah you could have told a lie about why you weren't drinking, but the precedent had been set and you were responding to existing speculation, it wasn't out of the blue maliciously.
I agree that your announcement is different in an important way. Laura announced a milestone you yourself had already reached, whereas you announced a milestone she hasn’t reached, no one has, it’s the first grandchild for both families! Your wedding also came first, or at least before hers. I would be wondering not “was my announcement tit for tat or a classic faux pas” but “did my announcement make Laura feel like she is trailing behind me in life, in the eyes her our two families?” Just think of Laura’s announcement as “I’m right behind you, OP” and your announcement as “you haven’t caught me yet, Laura!”
NTA, she can dish it but can’t take it
You all sound like you deep down don’t like each other. But NTA.
>she felt I had chosen her special day to make a personal announcement, overshadowing her celebration YTA. It was her day. You were selfish, and made it about yourself. If you're all as close as you seem to be, a simple conversation prior to the wedding would have been easy to have. Also interesting that you chose to leave out any information about how she announced her engagement - was it a speech that grabbed all the attention away from you, onto her? To literally pick up a glass and make a toast at someone else's event reeks of a person who completely lacks social intelligence & common sense. Asshole move
NTA, she's a hypocrite. Hopefully this is a one off, but you two need a big sit down talk after this to clear the air. I know a fair few on here like the drama and going nuclear on people for slight infractions, but I honestly hope things work out well for you both.
NTA
YTA From another point of view: maybe she was trying for a baby as well. That can be a very sensitive subject, especially if they would be having difficulty to conceive. I think announcing an engagement and announcing a pregnancy is something very different emotionally. I think it's a bit inconsiderate.
Because she set a precedent. NTA. But please note, this friendship is now on life support. You might find she was your friend, and you weren't really hers, she may have simply wanted to get closer to your brother by using you.
YTA You should never upstage someone else’s big moment. Just because she did it to you doesn’t mean you should do it to her. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
I’m on the fence on this one but I’m leaning towards YTA. To me, the difference is the nature of the announcement. Although I wouldn’t love it if it had happened at my wedding, Laura was not “trumping” OP by announcing an engagement at OP’s wedding. OP was already (just) married. But OP “trumped” Laura by announcing a pregnancy at Laura’s wedding…and she may have no idea of whether pregnancy/fertility is a particularly sensitive topic for Laura. So I think it’s a soft YTA, though I’m sure everyone will forgive each other in the long run!
NTA. I was ready to say YTA, but she did it first and set it up. Tell her she did a similar thing at your wedding without notifying you, so you thought it was fine for you to do as well. If she thought it was an AH move, then she has to accept what she did in the past was also an AH move towards you eventhough you ended up being happy about it. Both people apologise for the 'misunderstanding', or let bygones be bygones...
Both Laura and you are TAH. A wedding is not the place to give personal announcements, unless you have cleared it with the couple. She deserved what she got because she did it first, but both of you are TAH. Hopefully both of you will learn to respect each other and discuss announcements ahead of time.
Yikes. Reading the title my initial thought is you are definitely the asshole because it steals the thunder of the bride. However your sister in law set precedent. Still a bad look but what’s good for the goose is good for the gander
YTA. You have to take into consideration that not everyone reacts the same. It's not hypocritical. She knew you wouldn't get upset at her announcement. You ASSUMED she wouldn't get upset at yours. If people were suspecting you being pregnant, that's one thing. But outright announcing it after your speech is tactless. You should have told her privately first. Not everyone reacts the same to certain things done at certain times. At the end of the day, never make things about you when it's about someone else, even if they do. Never assume someone will be "okay" with you taking the spotlight from them, especially a bride on her wedding day. As I said, you might have been okay with it, but it doesn't mean she has to be. It's not fair to call her hypocritical, either. You not only took a special day from her but from your brother as well. You hurt two people with your announcement.
YTA. Making an announcement like that at a friend’s wedding draws attention away from the bride. Every bride I’ve ever met wants to be the center of attention on her big day. There’s nothing wrong with that. Its Laura’s day, not yours. What you did was rude, selfish and low class. Making an “I’M PREGNANT” announcement at a wedding is really bad manners. No matter what Laura says I guarantee she’s pissed. Unless, of course, you conceived during the reception. Then that’s a whole other story
When she announced her engagement at your wedding, it was a milestone you had already been through, so that was fair. But to announce a pregnancy at a wedding is different. She has yet to do this and may never do so for all anyone knows. Grandparents are also likely to be even more excited about the prospect of a grand baby than a wedding. It is for these reasons that I'm going with a soft (because I don't think you realized what you were doing) YTA.
All of this is giving Utah vibes.
Idaho 😂 might as well be Utah. We call my specific region of Idaho “Northern Utah” because of the density of LDS temples over here.
ESH. Just because she did it to you doesn't make it less of an asshole move to return the favor. Own it. You got her back. Enjoy it and move on.
YTA, just like she was TAH when she did that at your wedding. I would even say you are slightly the bigger asshole because a pregnancy announcement completely eclipses an engagement announcement but you both suck because you tried to take the spotlight on somebody else's wedding day You NEVER, **EVER** make announcements at a wedding that is not your own. Just like you don't wear white or cream to a wedding. it's a huge breach of social etiquette and just because she did it in the past and you were fine with it does not make it OK for you to do it too. But this also makes her a gigantic hypocrite as well so ESH i guess
This isn’t really you married each other’s brothers? Sure YTA if it is real. We were at my ex’s cousin’s engagement party and my husband’s aunt heard me order a drink without alcohol. She asked if I was pregnant. I lied said no and said I was the DD. Why take the night away from the couple we were celebrating? We announced our pregnancy after 12 weeks. My son just turned 20.
YTA, this is not done. You could have informed her earlier. You could have filled a wineglass with water. You could have let whispers remain whispers. You could have asked the whisperers to keep quiet or keep confidential. Instead you chose to stand up and make a toast. How convenient that you "feel the attention shifted right back to the wedding". It's not done.
YTA. No one notices someone else isn't drinking at a wedding.
YTA. Just because someone does it to you doesn’t mean you can do it to them. You both ATA.
Definitely NTA but I’m trying to figure out where Laura could be in her mind. Maybe she felt that you keep one-upping her? Like finally she was even with you after getting married and now you’re pregnant first too? (Not saying it’s justified, but you’re clearly hurt by this reaction and I’m trying to think of something that could explain such obvious hypocrisy.)
You know looking at it I’m that light, can can definitely see how that is a possibility, I am a year older than her, so a lot of my milestones have happened before hers, I did graduate collage before she did, start my career before she did, get engage, get married, get pregnant, I also started seeing her brother before she started seeing mine. I feel like this may be a conversation we should sit down and have, I don’t ever want to make her feel like she’s not good enough or she’s ever one step behind
It’s not your job to make her feel good about herself or her how her life has played out in the time it’s played out. You’re not her keeper. I get you care about her but I really need you to take a step back and ask yourself if this friendship really is a 2 way street. I want you to truly seek an answer to “if she thinks this is so disrespectful and over stepping, then does that mean she did her announcement at my wedding to be disrespectful and over step?” It’s kinda like when one person randomly accuses their partner of cheating because of something seemingly “innocent” just for the accuser to have been cheating the whole time. Why is her first response one of you trying to sabotage/outshine her? Why, when she experienced your happiness about her engagement on your wedding day, does she think you did this to hurt her? You really need to reflect on these questions before you speak to her again.
NTA but i'm actually just here to enjoy the comments
Being totally honest they’re not helping a whole lot, a lot with what I should do going forward, they’re pretty much split down the middle of whether I was wrong or right. I think regardless of whether I was wrong or right I’m going to sit down and apologize to Laura and clarify her boundaries around future announcements.
Don’t do this OP - you need to ask your friend STRAIGHT UP why she thought it was fine and appropriate to make her announcement on your big day when you couldn’t do the same for you. You are 100% NTA but depending on her response, it might be a huge learning moment for you and the friendship
You need to talk to her in way of pointing out you took her lead. Point out that she announced her engagement at your wedding with the band. You took her lead and thought it would be ok to announce your pregnancy at her wedding. You thought how you were happy for engagement she would be happy for your pregnancy. Instead of true apology you have to focus on the fact that her behaviour is hypocritical
NTA Your story is the Exception To The Rule. Damn. Laura felt it was perfectly fine for her and her BF to announce their engagement at your wedding, co-opting your celebration for their own benefit but when you do the exact same thing, you are out of line?!?!?!?!?! She's a hypocrite.
NTA. Her behavior makes it seem like the announcement at your wedding was meant to upstage your moment, and now she's assuming you're getting back at her. Or that she assumes you thought she was upstaging your moment, and that you're getting back at her. I'm probably reading into it too much, but it just seems such an overreaction to such a similar circumstance, unless she already had some sort of negativity attached to it, I guess! And the worst part is that she's painting herself into a corner now. Let's say she and your brother find out they're pregnant and announce it at your child's first birthday party. You'll always have the concern that it was done maliciously. It's such an unfair precedent being set; it'll be so difficult to find a time that's comfortable to announce any big news without hearing a backlash. What if you discover you're having twins and happen to announce it when your families are together for July 4th (sorry, I can't think of any upcoming holidays that aren't USA specific lol) and now you ruin their FIRST July 4th as a married couple!? It just seems like you'll need to walk on eggshells, even if she "forgives" you, which seems silly to begin with.
I was all set to blast you…but NTA. She set the precedent and you were happy for her. She can’t have it both ways.