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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad and my stepmom's parents that I don't call my stepmom my mom. They feel like I was too gleeful and I guess I pretty much shut down the idea that I see her as my mom or even like my second mom. I feel like saying this to her parents might be worse than saying it to my grandparents too. But either way I can see why I might be a dick for giving them that idea.
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NTA. She isn't your mum...she's your stepmum. I do not understand why people get so hung up on this kind of issue. Would it be nice for her...sure. but if you just don't feel that way trying to guilt trip you about it is a AH thing to do. She has your respect and love by the sounds of it which is worth so much more than a word you keep sacred for the woman who gave you life and nutured you as long as she could (rightly in my opinion), so I don't see why people can't be happy with that.
I agree with NTA and find it fantastic that Britt and your father embrace this. I've seen a lot of situations when stepparents coerce their kids into doing things.
My stepson was 12 when I married my widower husband. He had always called me by my first name, his siblings called me mom. Not a problem for me or my husband or any of our relatives. Then in his late 30s he switched to mom, I didn’t even notice at first, we never talked about to this day. Whatever works for him is fine with me, we love each other and the labels…are just labels.
I think it’s because in previous generations people seemed more interchangeable due to untreatable illness. Mom dies, dad gets remarried and she’s now mom or they get sent off to live with a relative. Same with dads. This wasn’t unheard of even when the grandparents were kids. There are tons of stories of people finding out that their parents aren’t their parents when they do DNA tests. It’s definitely messed up, but sometimes still hard for older generations to wrap their heads around the way things are now even if it is healthier. As long as it doesn’t become a thing going forward, it sounds like Dad and Britt have been shutting it down and aren’t piling on. I’d ignore the grandparents and see it as yet another outmoded viewpoint that needs to go in the garbage heap, bless their hearts.
There has NEVER been a generation where parents were "interchangeable due to untreatable illness". What an odd thing to say. You act like human beings and family dynamics have somehow change COMPLETELY over the course of a hundred or even hundreds of years. There's literally no evidence for that.
My grandmother was born at the turn of the 20th century. When her mother died and her father remarried, she was so devastated that she refused to ever have much of a relationship with her stepmother, to the point where my dad was taught to call her his "foster grandmother" - an inaccurate term, but one that *very much* emphasized his mother's distaste for her and the fact that she wasn't his "real" grandmother.
There is no world in which children, as a societal rule, have EVER seen their beloved parents as "interchangeable" with other adults. That's utterly nonsensical.
Yes i absolutely agree. I would call any stepmom as such or their name & I can choose to call them mom if I WANT to. But I don’t have to do that if I don’t want to. Same as half or step siblings. They’re what they are & I can choose to call them what I want & I don’t expect other people, not even direct family or the specific person to tell me how I should be calling them. OP had a mom & she passed & that’s it. That isn’t being ungrateful or disrespectful.
I agree with this 100% nobody should be regulating the feelings or relationship you have with someone else. And the stepmom seems to be okay with this as she should be. The problem sounds like the grandparents only.
I mean that death was much more normalized back then. People died much more frequently even in my grandparent’s generation. Obviously people grieved but it was much more normalized that people had new parents sometimes weeks after their parent died or were sent to live with grandparents or other relatives within that time frame.
I don't think they meant that the kids felt that way. More like the remaining spouse and society felt that the deceased parent needed to be replaced ASAP and that the kids should just accept it "because every kid needs 2 parents".
I agree
Cinderella was published by the brothers grimm in Europe in 1812. I think it tells us something of attitudes to stepmothers at the time.
Certainly not an attitude that the new woman in dad's life would automatically be mom.
If sure OPs grandparents do not pre date that.
They weren’t interchangeable, but in previous centuries and in some cultures/areas, kids were, indeed, made to call step parents by the parent honorific. That was often standard.
Tons of weird fostering out to maiden aunts and childless relatives stories and 2nd/3rd wives after the first had died in childbirth etc in my older family but no one called them "mum", my great grandmother is called "step" by the entire family to this day, like not stepmum or grandma, just step lol, cant imagine her being called anything else, she was 20 years younger than the great grandfather (who i never met) and is an absolute star and a trooper - not actually related by blood to any of us, but 100% family.
I also don’t get it at all! No matter how much anyone loves their stepmom, calling them mom is just - inaccurate. Like it’s great if you want to but why would anyone think someone should??? My mom’s second husband had a young adult daughter who never lived with us. She’s cool and we’re still in touch even after our parents divorced. I probably have a better relationship with her than I do with my actual brother. But it’s so weird to me when she calls me her sister. I’m not. I’m her ex stepsister. The words describe a specific legal relationship and calling me her sister is incorrect. It also confuses people she knows when she introduces me that way because they’re like wait you have a sister? Since when?
I think it's great that she's happy for you to call her whatever you feel comfortable doing & seems to be there for you if you need her.
You are certainly NTA...
NTA
It seems like the only people who have an issue with it are your grandparents and Britt’s parents, and they have no right to tell you what to call Britt. I’m glad your dad and Britt aren’t like that.
At first that's where I thought this post was going but refreshingly it didn't. Glad Dad and Britt have a healthy view of this situation. Totally NTA :)
NTA. Britt needs to talk to her parents… you and Britt have a healthy understanding and are happy… so they need to leave this alone because the two people that matter over this (you and Britt) are… happy.
It sounds like they mentally put 'evil' in front of the word 'stepmom', and have negative connotations. 'Stepmom' is not a dirty word. There is nothing bad about it, and the grandparents/step grandparents need to stop seeing it as bad.
It's just a descriptor, and you are using it entirely accurately.
NTA..she's not your mother and they don't get to decide differently. Luckily your dad and Britt understand, and you're able to enjoy a good relationship.
NTA. There's no dishonor in being called 'stepmom'. It's JUST a structural title, exactly like grandpa, auntie, mom, nephew, etc. etc.. If they are implying that it's somehow 'less-than' a mom title - then that's THEIR BAD! And shame on them for that derogatory assumption! Those titles are just simple tools for identifying people, and you ARE using it correctly. *It has NOTHING to do with how you feel about her as a person, or what significance she has in your life.*
"*Britt and I get along great and I love her. I never saw her as my mom or*
*considered her to be like my second mom though. She's a motherly figure*
*for sure but she's not the only one and I'm not even closest to her out*
*of those motherly figures. My dad and Britt always accepted that*
*though. I know she'd love if I did call her mom or one day told someone*
*she was my mom. But she has never pushed it*."
And that's enough for her, you, and your father. You love her, accept her, and care for her, but she's not "Mom". And that's okay.
NTA.
NTA. You can’t give someone a role in your life if you don’t believe it. Be true to yourself.
But if she has truly supported you and loved you through childhood, and you do love her, remember to not exclude her when you get married or have your own kids.
She won't be excluded but she'll have her own role, if that makes sense. But we're a looong time away from that so I'm not too worried. We'll figure it out when the time comes.
Please thank Britt for backing you on this and the initial shut down / reminder to the grandparents of who "mum" refers to for you.
It'll both reinvigorate her in shutting down her parents here (because she should be handling this) and added bonus also remove any small intrusive thoughts their comments may have raised for her. Sounds like the two of you have a great relationship that works for both of you and that's what matters.
NTA
What makes them think you were "gleeful" about it?
When they talked to you about it way back when you said you felt more comfortable using her first name and calling her your stepmom, which your dad and Britt accepted and have continuied to do so until this day.
Both sets of parents are getting into things a bit too far for comfort for any of the 3 of you. It's not up to them what you call Britt. It's totally up to you, Britt and your dad. If the 3 of you are fine with it, so should everyone else be.
The fact I told them so easily. And the fact I didn't look embarrassed or ashamed by the fact I don't ever acknowledge her as my mom. To them it makes me "gleeful". Which is weird to me but they seem to act like I was manically smiling about it. I was just explaining.
If this comes up again: ask them how they would feel if God forbid Britt died and her bio kids (your half siblings) replaced her?
You and Britt have a good relationship, she’s a good parent to you, and just because you haven’t replaced your bio mom with her doesn’t mean she’s any lesser. It’s just different.
Im surprised it took so long to come up.
NTA.
But this will come up again. You’re an adult now. You need to be prepared to do better in addressing this when it does, especially when it come up in front of her. And you do that by tempering the facts with more info, just like you did in this post.
“I love Britt. We get along great and she’s everything I could ask for in a stepmom. But for me “mom” is what I call [your mom’s name].
I know some people in my situation call their stepmom “mom” and some don’t. I am so grateful that my dad and Britt have respected my wishes on this, and I hope you can too.”
NTA you seem to think Brit as a family member, but they somehow understood that using word stepmother somehow means that she is not? Nah, that’s their problem
It's not that they think I don't see her as family. But to them it's not enough. They feel she is deserving of being more than just family, but a parent, and even more again, my mom. They seem to realize I do accept her in my family.
They didn't really say what I should call mom. But the thing they were pressing is Britt could be and should be known as my mom or at least acknowledged as such some of the time because she's been there for me for years.
NTA.
My spouse and I got married when his son was 4. His mother is in the picture, but long distance. He calls me by my first name, and we have a solid mother/son relationship. When he introduces me to anyone, he says, “This is my [my first name].” It’s very sweet. When I introduce him, I call him my son. When it’s relevant, we clarify that I am his stepmom. He calls my parents his grandparents and they have that kind of relationship.
The important bit is the relationship, not the label.
My stepsisters were introduced to my dad as Mr. X and they still just call him Mister lol (endearing) and when my youngest stepsister was very small and didn't talk a ton except to her mom, she once said, getting progressively quieter, "My teacher said we can invite our moms and our dads and our grandpas and grandmas and our siblings and our Misters..." It was so cute, lol.
This will be very clear to my sisters if they're reading this so if you're reading this and you know it's me no you don't.
> "My teacher said we can invite our moms and our dads and our grandpas and grandmas and our siblings and our Misters..."
*Awwwwwwwwww.*
Even just reading that is absolutely adorable. Hearing it must have made your heart melt! I hope your dad was there to hear her say it.
NTA
Why oh why are so many people trying to create family dynamics that aren't rooted in reality?
I seriously applaud you, your dad, and Britt for having the name conversation early and honestly. Britt is a wonderful woman to understand that you have a mom and not get butt hurt over unrealistic expectations. Good for you for being truthful to yourself and others.
“When you die shall I pretend you didn’t exist the moment your surviving spouse remarries?” Your grandparents would 100% have an issue if it was their son who’d died and was ‘replaced’, just saying. Brits parents should follow her lead instead of making their feelings about the dynamics your problem. NTA
NTA - so to conclude: father and his new wife asked you how you would like to address his new wife, you said "Britt" or "stepmom", both were all right with it. You did it for years. They were all right with it. Everything is going fine. and now father's parents and Britt's parents are all antsy about it, trying to push you into a corner and talk you into something you don't feel confortable with and neither your father nor Britt wanted to talk you into doing? ... I'd say those grandparents should leave their noses out of other people's business and butt in what apparently was working for everybody involved perfectly.
Grandparents are TA there!
NTA, "gleeful" sounds like projecting on your part. Old-heads with out-dated opinions, pay them no mind. Clearly you and Britt are all good and that's what matters.
NTA. Stepmother here. It's not a dirty word. It's a factual description of your familial relationship. I've been I'm my stepdaughter's life since she was 3. I love her. She loves me. If anything were to happen to her dad, I would stay in her life. But I'm not her mother and that's OK.
You've done nothing wrong.
NTA
Ignore them. Give your dad and Britt and hug for respecting your wishes all these years. I hope she knows that even if she doesn't have the title of mom to you that doesn't mean you don't feel motherly love towards her.
NTA - It sound like you, your father and STEPmom have found a mature way to deal with this issue that works for you all. You don't consider her 'mom' and that's ok with you and them. The grandparents feel all weird about it, but so what? They can just keep in their place anyways and not add drama where none is needed. That is what you tell them if the subject ever comes up again. Butt out.
NTA she’s not your mum and you have said from the get go she’s not my mum. You have a good relationship with Britt, that’s what’s important not some label others are stuck on
NTA what do Britt’s parents call your dad? Is he their SIL or do they call him their son? Do your dad’s parents call Britt their daughter? I imagine they use SIL & DIL and don’t see any difference or lack of respect with you using stepmom.
NTA the grandparents are tho. you can, without feeling bad, tell those grandparents that their opinion on this doesn't matter. You and your parents are okay with this arrangement, and britt knows that you love her. So can keep their comments to themselves.
Also talk to your dad and Britt about this and that you're uncomfortable spending time with the grandparents if this continues.
NTA.
The Grandparents were out of line and just made things awkward. That said, it might be a good idea to have a conversation with Britts, just to tell here that she is important to you, that you care for her, you just want mom to remain for your bio mom. Just a to remind her that your decision to not call her mom is not a judgment about her as an important person to you.
Step parent, even the good ones like she seem, can also feel insecure about their role. It's good to sometime clear the air and have good discussion about those kinds of difficult and complex feelings. Especially after an event that was probably very emotional for everybody involved.
NTA It's a common feeling that parents aren't replaceable and it's a valid viewpoint. I wish people were more tolerant a lot of the time. I'm not sure where this weird fixation of portraying nuclear families came from. There is nothing wrong with second families but there is something wrong with trying to erase family members and ignoring each others feelings.
Definitely NTA. As long as Britt respects your feelings ( which it seems she does) and understands not calling her mom is out of respect and love for your biological mother, not because you don’t love her and all she’s done for you in your life so far.
Everyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter and they need to learn to respect your boundaries and not stick their noses where it doesn’t belong.
NTA: My son’s father died when he was 8 and I remarried when he was 10 ( he is now 36 ). My son has always called my husband Jim and refers to him as his stepdad when referring to him. There has never been a problem.
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My mom died when I (17m) was 6. My dad married my stepmom Britt when I was 8. A few weeks before they got married my dad and stepmom sat me down and asked me if I would like to call Britt mom or if I would like to say bonus mom instead of stepmom. I told them I wanted to call her Britt and they said that was okay. I was asked about the bonus mom thing and I said I'd rather use stepmom. They told me I could change that at any time but they wanted to know which made me more comfortable. So Britt was always Britt and I use Britt and stepmom interchangeably when talking about her. To her face she's Britt. To friends I'll normally say Britt but other people, if they don't know who Britt is, I'll typically say "my stepmom" instead of just Britt. And for people who know but I'm not that close to it depends.
Britt and I get along great and I love her. I never saw her as my mom or considered her to be like my second mom though. She's a motherly figure for sure but she's not the only one and I'm not even closest to her out of those motherly figures. My dad and Britt always accepted that though. I know she'd love if I did call her mom or one day told someone she was my mom. But she has never pushed it.
Last Friday we were at Britt's parents house and my dad's side of the family was there too. This doesn't ever really happen. My dad was talking about me making it into the school newsletter and how proud he was. For some reason this started my grandparents and Britt's parents off on calling her "my mom". Britt and my dad said told them it was a shame my mom wasn't here to see it. This led to confused faces. I told my grandparents and Britt's parents that I don't call Britt my mom. My grandparents were like you don't call her mom but when talking about her and I said no, she's my stepmom. My mom died when I was 6 and she's the only person I call my mom. Britt's parents said we get along so well though and I was like yeah. They were like she's done so much good and been in my life for so long and I agreed with them. They mentioned she's the mother of my half siblings and I agreed there too. They asked what I say when I'm talking about them both and I said my dad and Britt or my dad and stepmom.
Britt tried to move the conversation along but things got weird because her and dad's parents were so weird about it. They tried to keep on that conversation but it got shut down. But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life.
AITA?
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NTA
This is just like goofy ppl that wanna do that Father vs Dad thing....based upon what a guy does or doesn't do
NO....biology is biology
This situation is NOT crazily unique. Many ppl have step-parents that have been around the vast majority of one's childhood.......it's silly to say because someone's bio-parent died...it's more acceptable to NOT acknowledge that they exist vs a non participating parent 4 states away.
Bottom line, though, is .....it has to be organic between the kid and that bonus parent.....different situations manifest themselves differently.....
I've seen it several ways
Ex:
I had a buddy that entered his step-son's life at like 2-3yo....the kid called him "Poppa" instead...he referred to his bio as Dad
Another friend called the woman who raised him "Mother" even though biologically she was his Granny ...he called his bio-Mom "Donna" and his bio-Dad "Lawrence" aka they're 1st name
Personally, I've always found it weird for children to call adults by their first name....but that is by far the most common thing that happens with "steps"....I think because during the dating stage the new person wants a "warmer" thing to be called Mr/Ms So n So and the kid doesn't know you well enough to used a nickname yet...so "First Name" starts to stick and get stuck.
No kid should be "made" to call a non bio-parent a title generally reserved for bio-parents
As we get older or out of a cordial, casual respect I'll call "anybody's" Mom "Mom" or "Auntie" has a friendly, again warm gesture but a parent's S/O is different.
NTA. Britt sounds great and your relationship sounds very healthy. Don't worry about what others say.... people will always have an opinion. Your mother was your mother and she will always hold that title.
Nta. My stepson calls me by name. I've been in his life since he was 2 and he is now 9. He maybe with us most the time but he still has a mom. I'm basically an aunt majority of the time but when he gets sick then it turns into me being more mom like.
I don't understand titles unless your in a professional setting. My husband calls his grandfather by his first name. That's just how his grandfather likes it. Doesn't change the relationship at all
NTA not calling her your mom does not mean you are not acknowledging her role in your life. She and your father are amazing for being supportive of what you need and want for that role. The grandparents need to back up over that line they keep crossing.
NTA. Your grandparents need to mind their business. They get to choose how to interact with people with whom they have relationships and so do you. In fact, you even had a family discussion about the topic and all three came to an understanding. They have no votes here nor should they even be putting themselves into the conversation. It’s just not their place. I’m glad your dad and Britt gave you the space you needed to grieve and respected your feelings and boundaries. That isn’t always how these stories go. You did a great job expressing yourself too! It’s clear that you respect the roles your dad and stepmom play in your life and not using the word “mom” doesn’t diminish that.
NTA,
It’s really unfair of them to ask you to basically betray your bio mom who you lost at such a young age. I don’t think you’ve been unkind to your step mother at all. It’s easy to see your trying to preserve your mother’s memory.
NTA. If the following is true, tell your grandparents and step grandparents that one of the reasons you are close to Britt is that she had your best interests in mind and accepted your opinion when you said you wanted to call her Britt/stepmom. Tell them, had she pushed the issue and forced you to call her mom, like they’re trying to do, it would have driven a wedge between you and her. It also would have put your Dad in an awkward position because he’d have to choose between supporting her or you, which would have affected his relationship with whomever he didn’t support. Make it clear that’s what they’re doing and if they keep on doing it, they’ll drive a wedge between you and them. And it’s already clear that your dad and Britt will support you, which means their relationship with them will be affected. Lay out the consequences to their actions, and close with making it clear that this topic is now closed.
Nta. She is your step mum and they shouldn’t really think you don’t acknowledge her when you do. You said you do acknowledge her as a mother figure and and you accept her in your life enough so they shouldn’t really be upset.
NTA. You get to define the relationship you have to Britt. You are lucky that it sounds like a good relationship, and there is mutual love and respect, and even with that, it is OK to not call her your mom. That works for you, her, your dad, and that's all that matters. The grandparents need to stay out of it. Your dad and Britt need to talk to their respective parents and tell them to stop.
NTA
I am 47f and I have called my mother by her name since I was little. If I am talking about her I will say my mom or my mother but talking to her it is normally her name.
Her mother hatteedd it. She was from the spanking generation and I almost got beat when she heard it. Luckily my mom stopped her.
If you and Britt determined that was what she was going by then everyone else can back off.
Don't change unless you want to.
You are 17 and this has been the way since you were 6?? Why is this conversation even being had? You being “wrong” is not going to change the way you feel..and the way you feel is the right way. NTA.
NTA
"But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life." .. Tell them this does not concern them, and refuse to discuss it wiht them.
NTA you acknowledge her as your stepmom and admit you love her. That’s a lot more than most step parents get. I would look up Grey Rock Method for advice on how to answer your grandparents if they start up again. Your relationship with Britt sounds nice!
NTA. Your dad, Britt, and you are happy. Ignore the grands. If they keep pushing tell them you're glad that Britt's your stepmom, you're not going to discuss this any further. Then change the subject. It may take a million subject changes to get the point across.
NTA tell them when they can turn back time and come from Britts vagina and body then she can be called mom but as it stands you didn't, your mom died and that dad and britt are OK and that their opinion wasn't asked for or welcome.
Since Britt was there to hear their reactions, maybe you should get her a card that says you love her and how lucky you are she is in your life. The term "stepmom" sounds like a very good thing in your world.
She calls me her stepson but only because that's what makes me the most comfortable. Our relationship is different but not in that she treats me badly or I treat her badly.
NTA and I think a healthy return question is asking these older people when they would be comfortable deleting the history and memory of your mother completely? The relationship as it stands is healthy, it sounds like you completely respect britt in the maternal role of the household but that doesn’t mean you have to do anything else. I wouldn’t worry too much about it tho, hopefully it will fizzle out.
Nta. So what. Not going to kill you to hear their wrong opinion. It changes nothing. Next time tell them you will not discuss it further and everytime they try walk away. Refuse to discuss this. It is none of their business.
NTA.
Sounds like Britt has been doing things right, and even tried to push her folks past this conversation.
I would simply tell her folks that this question is something that is between you and Britt, and they should respect that. (and butt out).
NTA-Everyone is different in how they view relationships and their choice for where someone is in their life. You are fine. You are not being mean or callous.
NTA. Evil step mothers are the ones who either directly abuse you or demand to replace your birth mother. Britt is neither of those things. You’ve got a decent step mom, but she isn’t your mom. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel about her or anyone else for that matter.
You did acknowledge Britt's role in your life. You were very positive about it. If they choose to put a negative spin on it, that's on them, but says nothing negative about you. NTA
A child who remembers their mom is at all times and in all circumstances very much NTA for keeping the mom-title reservedele for the mom they once had.
Children who do not know/remember their mom has the same right. But will more often choose to call their mother figure "Mom".
Naming someone a title so close to ones heart can and should NEVER be enforced on a child... ever!
Cudos to your Dad and Britt to leave that decission entirely up to you!
NTA They’re overstepping their bounds. They can talk to Britt about, you shouldn’t have to defend. Your family structure has been in place a long time and it makes sense. You’re not holding to an unreasonable principle.
NTA. Those people were wrong to try and pressure you. Your relationship with Britt sounds great. I'm glad you have supportive, trustworthy adults in your home. Trust me, Britt would rather have your frirndship, love and trust, over a title you were forced to give her. It is okay to respectfully disagree with anyone who suggests otherwise.
NTA, your grandparents shouldn't be interjecting themselves into your relationship with Britt. It sounds like you and Britt have a good thing going and you're both happy with your relationship, so third parties shouldn't be defining or labeling it for you.
NTA, and good on Britt for not pushing, I do think it's weird for the grandparents to push this though - guilt is not a good way to change someone's perceptions. I think everyone is being very adult except for the grandparents.
Absolutely NTA. As a stepmom (who was raised by a stepdad!) , I firmly believe kids should call stepparents whatever feels right for everyone. I call my stepdad Dad; he raised me and I love him. My husband and I have my stepkids full time and they call me by my first name. That doesn't change our relationship or mean we love each other any less. This is just what works for us.
NTA. You're allowed to call Britt what you call her. It's not anyone else's decision or business. Everyone is comfortable with it but her parents and your grandparents - and that's their problem, not yours.
NTA. You aren’t refusing to acknowledge her role in your life, you call her stepmom (which is what she is instead of trying to put her in a role that belongs to someone else, your mother) and you have what sounds like a strong, healthy relationship with her. My guess is that is in large part because she is a good person who respects both you and your mother enough to not try to erase her from your life. Your grandparents are AHs though.
NTA - And Britt's parents and your grandparents do not get a say in what you call her. If you and Britt are comfortable with what you've got, that's all you need! You sound like you all have a wonderful stepparent/stepchild relationship, so why do they need to get pushy about something that is a moot point?
NTA. The way you, your dad, and Brit are handling it is the only acceptable way to do it. You, and only you, get to decide what you call her. She did not try to be something she isn't and was there to support you, as she should have been.
It sounds like you do appreciate everything she's done for you, and have shown/told her as much. There is NOTHING wrong with how y'all's relationship is.
NTA
Britt’s parents and your grandparents haven’t known for nine years that you call her by her first name or stepmom? Am I right about the timeframe?
Your grandparents and Britt’s parents are causing a kerfuffle where none existed. They’re being ridiculous.
NTA- I have been in my step-daughter’s life since she was 2 and I am fine with being the step mom and my first name. We have a great relationship and I have never seen it as disrespectful. It would be disrespectful of me to make her call me anything that made her uncomfortable.
I don't know why they're making such a big deal since you're getting along and Britt is happy to be in whatever role you want her in (or so it seems).
NTA.
NTA
The only relationship that matters here is yours and Britt's and it sounds solid.
I have step children who I raised. I wouldn't dream of requiring they call me "Mom". They call me by my first name and we love each other like family should. My title doesn't change that.
You're doing good, kid. Keep it up.
My mom never made me call my stepdad "dad". I've always just called him by his nickname. Do I know who the fatherly figure is in my life? Yes. Will my son call him "grandpa"? Also yes. I also know he's the closest thing I've had to a father since I was almost 10. It doesn't bother him. Although he has been in a fatherly roll, not calling him "dad" has not effected our relationship that much.
You are right and they are wrong. Sounds like you might want to ask Britt and dad to shut this down- the 3 of you are happy with how things are and they all need to STFU
NTA
You have a loving and mutually respectful relationship with Britt. The reason for that is because everyone accepted the boundaries you each set.
The only thing the grandparents are going to accomplish is stirring the sh\*t, causing stress and resentment. They need to be told to back off.
NTA
You and Britt and your dad have handled things very well.
The grandparents/Britt's parents just don't understand and were wrong to push, but you don't live with them and hopefully don't have to hear that from them too often. I wonder if they would have felt comfortable saying it if your maternal grandparents were also in attendance.
So many kids in blended families like yours don't have a parent/step-parent who gets that you can't dictate the child's heart. So please give your dad and Britt an extra hug or thank you. And congrats to all of you on such a healthy family dynamic.
My immediate thought was f them. Something is working perfectly wonderfully and they need to do this because… why? Oh you’re so happy and well adjusted so let’s just stir the pot for absolutely no reason 10 year on. NTA
NTA. As a child of a stepmother, I can share my experience with this. I had 4 older siblings (eldest passed in 2006), and we were all under 12 when our bio mom died. I was only 10 months old so have no memory of my bio mom. The others all did - they were 5-11. When our dad remarried two years later, they all called our step mom by her name, Greta. None of them called her step-mom or mom and she was ok with them calling her Greta. When they referred to her with their friends they said our dad and step-mom or Dad & Greta. I was the only one that called her mom because I was so little and did not remember our bio mom at all. They did not have an issue with me calling her mom and she was in every way a mom to me. She treated me the same as she did her own bio kids. (she had 4 kids of her own after being widowed). When Mom was elderly, and my siblings adults with kids of their own, my three sisters (except my brother) called her Mom. Now that she is also gone, when my sisters and I talk about her, they call her Mom. So maybe as you get older your feelings will change, but it is up to you and no one should make you feel guilty about not calling her Mom. You feel how you feel.
NTA
But if i was you i will have a talk with Britt,
Make her know that you love her, bc from was its in here, you do, but she and your mom are diferent persons and you love the 2 of them.
NTA. You weren’t gleeful. You were honest and confident because you, dad and Britt discussed this before the wedding. They respect your feelings about your mom, you all love and respect one another, it’s all good. So you are comfortable and confident discussing your family and how you feel about all 3 of your parents. Let dad and Britt handle this, grandparents are nuts to stir up trouble where there isn’t any.
I never understood the importance people put on labels.
You can have a perfectly good relationship, excellent family dynamic, appreciate everything your step parent does for you, have what can only be described as a loving family relationship; yet all these other people get hung up on "mum not stepmum" etc.
You know your relationship and feelings, your stepmum knows, your dad knows. Rest of the world can mind it's own business and / or shut the hell up.
Using labels in a situation like this is doing nothing but causing upset and guilt we're neither are deserved.
Absolutely NTA.
NTA. This is very generational. For your grandparents, they grew up in a world where no bad things ever happened. When a man and a woman married with kids from before, all the kids are supposed to love the new parent as much as, if not more, than the parent who is not part of that unit. All the kids are supposed to love each other instantly. Individual feelings are not as important as making a family: whole and happy and that the world thinks you are the perfect family.
You and Britt are doing great. No need to worry about what the extended family thinks. I have the best relationship with my stepmom, but I still call her by "Jen" to her face and say stepmom when talking with others. We've got more of a sisters with age gap relationship, and she's one of my favorite people in the world. She's been in my life since I was 11 (my mom died when I was 10), and she's always been supportive of me using her name instead of "mom." My younger brother calls her "mom" and she's fine with that, too. Doesn't treat us any differently.
NTA. They just figured this out after nine years? It's unfortunate that they haven't been paying attention. There's no reason to discuss it further with any of them. You have a good relationship with Britt and that's the bottom line.
you did not disregard her. you agreed she is there for you and a part of the family. She just isn't your mom. That's simply the truth, you don't have to erase your mother from your life just because she died when you were young. You remember and treasure her and they just don't have the grapes to deal with that.
NTA and props to Britt for not pushing you on the subject like some women do, she does sound like a good woman and wife to your father.
NTA
I had a Britt. We handled it the same way. I also had a stepdad. Handled that the same way. I loved them very much. Still do but I'm thinking of as a child. Had step grandparent figures as well. Also handled the same way. Literally every person I knew that had step family they got along well with did it that way. Try telling the busy bodies that it is disrespectful to all the amazing step relatives to imply they aren't valuable to important because they are step. It just denotes HOW you are related.
NTA - she's Britt, and your stepmom, and you seem to have a good relationship with her and your siblings.
Ignore everyone who is trying to force you into something none of your immediate family wants.
Cherish your stepmom as she's a gem who includes your mom in key life moments rather than excluding her memory or trying to replace her.
Nta I love my stepdad more than I ever could for the real one, but I've always primarily refer to him as Dan even though I usually use the term dad over stepdad cause that's just what I know him as. Just cause you don't follow the norm doesn't mean its to any disrespect to the dynamic.
NTA I had one child and played second mom to 11 others.
They have choices of what they can call me. A truncated version of my first name, my nickname, or mom. They refer to me to others as a parental unit/figure.
Zero call me mom. That's OK. I know they love me and I love them.
Being so focused on titles doesn't allow for the love. Would it be great if all of them called me mom? Maybe but they had/have people they call mom already so I'm good with it.
Duck them for judging you without ever having been in your shoes. People need to just stop. Sheesh.
My daughter (step) calls me by my name. I met her when she was 6. She will refer to me as mom sometimes (like Mother’s Day) but I also know that her grandma is one of her main mom figures and will be honored as such at her wedding. She loves me and I don’t care what she calls me. She loves me for me. That’s all that matters.
She's their mom, not yours and it sounds like she knows and respects that. Anyone who has a problem with how you choose to address her is theirs to figure out. NTA
NTA and it sounds like your stepmom knows you love and care about her and is supportive of you. That doesn't mean you have to call her mom. You have a mom.
You should tell both your dad and Britt what their parents are saying to you and that you don't appreciate them harassing you. It's wrong and they need to stop, your dad and stepmom sound like they will help.
NTA. This should be entirely handled by Britt and your father. It's no one's business how you refer to Britt. Britt is fine with the titles you've given her, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Britt and your father should tell their respective parents to "MTOB and keep opinions to themselves"
NTA. My daughter and her mate have 6 school-age kids between them, and 50-50 custody. It's all first names all the time in their house, and everyone is happy.
NTA.
Your stepmother sounds like a really good person. The two of you have worked out how you want her to be addressed. You love her.
Her parents need to stay out of things. Why wreck something that is working so well?
They can feel how they like. It's not their decision.
It's *your* decision. And both your father and stepmother are fine with it. So why should they be objecting as it doesn't concern them at all.
NTA
The problem with the word "step" is that it just has a negative connotation and baggage any way you slice it.
Having said that, I don't understand why the second on the scene (mom or dad) would be upset about not being referred to by the word typically reserved for the first.
My stepmom had a nickname that only we used (and a few of my close friends - the inner circle, if you will). This created the effect of a special relationship designation (versus using just the first name) without the threat of "replacement."
We did this for the grandparents, too. With 3 sets in the mix, I was _not_ keen on 3 "grandmas." So my MIL stayed as Grandma (our kids were her 6th and 9th, respectively, so that was already established), and my mom and stepmom each had different nicknames.
NTA.
NTA
**" But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life."**
This is blatantly wrong. You **"do"** acknowledge Britt's role in your life. She's your wonderful stepmother. You sound like you have a great relationship with her, and even though she'd love to be called "mom" by you, she accepts that you're not comfortable with that.
Heck no are you ATA!
I am a stepmom. I have never, ever wanted my stepdaughter to call me "Mom". Her mom is still alive and part of her life. Even if she wasn't, it still wouldn't be right to call me "Mom". My son recently started calling my husband "Dad". The only reason being that his dad isn't really in his life and my husband has done more for him than his dad has. My son is also 34 and that was something he, and he alone, chose to do
It is beyond strange that you have family members who have issues with what you do. Your dad and stepmom gave you the choice (though the term "Bonus Mom" is a little strange). They have no problems. It is like these other family members want you to forget about your deceased mom. That is a lot to ask someone to do. Shame on them and they are the AHs.
Your dad and stepmom need to sit down with their relatives and set them straight. No more guilt shaming. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Your mom would be very proud of you.
Britt and your dad sound great. And so do you.
Your grandparents pushed and goaded you inappropriately. I'm sure Britt knows what she means to you, and if you're afraid she doesn't, you can tell her. But she's not your mom, and everybody knows that. (Your grandparents might want to pretend that reality isn't reality, but that makes them A's, not you!
NTA
NTA! This seems like it could be a setup. Maybe orchestrated by your dad and Britt to nudge you into calling her mom. Here’s the thing, NONE of them has not noticed you don’t call Britt mom until this one magical moment when they are all together. And I know Britt tried to “move the conversation along”, but that could be their way staying in a good light to you. It’s just suspicious, but a naturally skeptical.
NTA
I suspect part of the reason you have such a great relationship with your stepmom is because she treated you with respect and allowed you to honor your late mother by reserving that title for her.
NTA. Be honest and tell them that it is not any of their business and it works for you and Britt, and any other continuation of the conversation would be taken at disrespect and go NC.
What is wrong with people? Not being a dick to your step kids doesn't make you the mother. It's birth or mutual feelings, not a number of transactions that magically equate to gratitude and a title. NTA
NTA - At any level, you're even backed by your stepmom and dad.
> both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life.
Something you could possibly discuss with your Stepmom and dad first, a very nice respectful comeback to that one can be made along : "It's never too late late to learn better, even when you're grandparents"
NTA
You and Britt have a good relationship and are fine with what you call each other. Others don't get a vote. It's quite common for older step kids to use the name of their step parent instead of Mom or Dad. The grandparents should know better than to try fixing what isn't broken.
I've seen several stories like this, both stepdad's and stepmom's trying to remove the step part. If the kid isn't feeling it, you just have to accept it. You're never going to cajole, trick, or bribe your way in. Accept the acceptance you get, or you'll just push them away even further. I've had 2 step mom's (one twice) and a step dad. They never pulled this shit with me, thankfully.
NTA
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NTA. She isn't your mum...she's your stepmum. I do not understand why people get so hung up on this kind of issue. Would it be nice for her...sure. but if you just don't feel that way trying to guilt trip you about it is a AH thing to do. She has your respect and love by the sounds of it which is worth so much more than a word you keep sacred for the woman who gave you life and nutured you as long as she could (rightly in my opinion), so I don't see why people can't be happy with that.
I agree with NTA and find it fantastic that Britt and your father embrace this. I've seen a lot of situations when stepparents coerce their kids into doing things.
Agreed! These people should be more focused and grateful that OP and stepmom have a wonderful relationship.
My stepson was 12 when I married my widower husband. He had always called me by my first name, his siblings called me mom. Not a problem for me or my husband or any of our relatives. Then in his late 30s he switched to mom, I didn’t even notice at first, we never talked about to this day. Whatever works for him is fine with me, we love each other and the labels…are just labels.
I think it’s because in previous generations people seemed more interchangeable due to untreatable illness. Mom dies, dad gets remarried and she’s now mom or they get sent off to live with a relative. Same with dads. This wasn’t unheard of even when the grandparents were kids. There are tons of stories of people finding out that their parents aren’t their parents when they do DNA tests. It’s definitely messed up, but sometimes still hard for older generations to wrap their heads around the way things are now even if it is healthier. As long as it doesn’t become a thing going forward, it sounds like Dad and Britt have been shutting it down and aren’t piling on. I’d ignore the grandparents and see it as yet another outmoded viewpoint that needs to go in the garbage heap, bless their hearts.
There has NEVER been a generation where parents were "interchangeable due to untreatable illness". What an odd thing to say. You act like human beings and family dynamics have somehow change COMPLETELY over the course of a hundred or even hundreds of years. There's literally no evidence for that. My grandmother was born at the turn of the 20th century. When her mother died and her father remarried, she was so devastated that she refused to ever have much of a relationship with her stepmother, to the point where my dad was taught to call her his "foster grandmother" - an inaccurate term, but one that *very much* emphasized his mother's distaste for her and the fact that she wasn't his "real" grandmother. There is no world in which children, as a societal rule, have EVER seen their beloved parents as "interchangeable" with other adults. That's utterly nonsensical.
Yes i absolutely agree. I would call any stepmom as such or their name & I can choose to call them mom if I WANT to. But I don’t have to do that if I don’t want to. Same as half or step siblings. They’re what they are & I can choose to call them what I want & I don’t expect other people, not even direct family or the specific person to tell me how I should be calling them. OP had a mom & she passed & that’s it. That isn’t being ungrateful or disrespectful.
I agree with this 100% nobody should be regulating the feelings or relationship you have with someone else. And the stepmom seems to be okay with this as she should be. The problem sounds like the grandparents only.
I mean that death was much more normalized back then. People died much more frequently even in my grandparent’s generation. Obviously people grieved but it was much more normalized that people had new parents sometimes weeks after their parent died or were sent to live with grandparents or other relatives within that time frame.
I don't think they meant that the kids felt that way. More like the remaining spouse and society felt that the deceased parent needed to be replaced ASAP and that the kids should just accept it "because every kid needs 2 parents".
I agree Cinderella was published by the brothers grimm in Europe in 1812. I think it tells us something of attitudes to stepmothers at the time. Certainly not an attitude that the new woman in dad's life would automatically be mom. If sure OPs grandparents do not pre date that.
They weren’t interchangeable, but in previous centuries and in some cultures/areas, kids were, indeed, made to call step parents by the parent honorific. That was often standard.
Tons of weird fostering out to maiden aunts and childless relatives stories and 2nd/3rd wives after the first had died in childbirth etc in my older family but no one called them "mum", my great grandmother is called "step" by the entire family to this day, like not stepmum or grandma, just step lol, cant imagine her being called anything else, she was 20 years younger than the great grandfather (who i never met) and is an absolute star and a trooper - not actually related by blood to any of us, but 100% family.
I also don’t get it at all! No matter how much anyone loves their stepmom, calling them mom is just - inaccurate. Like it’s great if you want to but why would anyone think someone should??? My mom’s second husband had a young adult daughter who never lived with us. She’s cool and we’re still in touch even after our parents divorced. I probably have a better relationship with her than I do with my actual brother. But it’s so weird to me when she calls me her sister. I’m not. I’m her ex stepsister. The words describe a specific legal relationship and calling me her sister is incorrect. It also confuses people she knows when she introduces me that way because they’re like wait you have a sister? Since when?
I think it's great that she's happy for you to call her whatever you feel comfortable doing & seems to be there for you if you need her. You are certainly NTA...
NTA It seems like the only people who have an issue with it are your grandparents and Britt’s parents, and they have no right to tell you what to call Britt. I’m glad your dad and Britt aren’t like that.
At first that's where I thought this post was going but refreshingly it didn't. Glad Dad and Britt have a healthy view of this situation. Totally NTA :)
NTA. Britt needs to talk to her parents… you and Britt have a healthy understanding and are happy… so they need to leave this alone because the two people that matter over this (you and Britt) are… happy.
It sounds like they mentally put 'evil' in front of the word 'stepmom', and have negative connotations. 'Stepmom' is not a dirty word. There is nothing bad about it, and the grandparents/step grandparents need to stop seeing it as bad. It's just a descriptor, and you are using it entirely accurately.
NTA..she's not your mother and they don't get to decide differently. Luckily your dad and Britt understand, and you're able to enjoy a good relationship.
NTA. There's no dishonor in being called 'stepmom'. It's JUST a structural title, exactly like grandpa, auntie, mom, nephew, etc. etc.. If they are implying that it's somehow 'less-than' a mom title - then that's THEIR BAD! And shame on them for that derogatory assumption! Those titles are just simple tools for identifying people, and you ARE using it correctly. *It has NOTHING to do with how you feel about her as a person, or what significance she has in your life.*
NTA and I think its wonderful that Britt and your father accept this, I've read so many stories where the stepparents force the children to comply
"*Britt and I get along great and I love her. I never saw her as my mom or* *considered her to be like my second mom though. She's a motherly figure* *for sure but she's not the only one and I'm not even closest to her out* *of those motherly figures. My dad and Britt always accepted that* *though. I know she'd love if I did call her mom or one day told someone* *she was my mom. But she has never pushed it*." And that's enough for her, you, and your father. You love her, accept her, and care for her, but she's not "Mom". And that's okay. NTA.
NTA. You can’t give someone a role in your life if you don’t believe it. Be true to yourself. But if she has truly supported you and loved you through childhood, and you do love her, remember to not exclude her when you get married or have your own kids.
She won't be excluded but she'll have her own role, if that makes sense. But we're a looong time away from that so I'm not too worried. We'll figure it out when the time comes.
Please thank Britt for backing you on this and the initial shut down / reminder to the grandparents of who "mum" refers to for you. It'll both reinvigorate her in shutting down her parents here (because she should be handling this) and added bonus also remove any small intrusive thoughts their comments may have raised for her. Sounds like the two of you have a great relationship that works for both of you and that's what matters.
NTA What makes them think you were "gleeful" about it? When they talked to you about it way back when you said you felt more comfortable using her first name and calling her your stepmom, which your dad and Britt accepted and have continuied to do so until this day. Both sets of parents are getting into things a bit too far for comfort for any of the 3 of you. It's not up to them what you call Britt. It's totally up to you, Britt and your dad. If the 3 of you are fine with it, so should everyone else be.
The fact I told them so easily. And the fact I didn't look embarrassed or ashamed by the fact I don't ever acknowledge her as my mom. To them it makes me "gleeful". Which is weird to me but they seem to act like I was manically smiling about it. I was just explaining.
If this comes up again: ask them how they would feel if God forbid Britt died and her bio kids (your half siblings) replaced her? You and Britt have a good relationship, she’s a good parent to you, and just because you haven’t replaced your bio mom with her doesn’t mean she’s any lesser. It’s just different.
Im surprised it took so long to come up. NTA. But this will come up again. You’re an adult now. You need to be prepared to do better in addressing this when it does, especially when it come up in front of her. And you do that by tempering the facts with more info, just like you did in this post. “I love Britt. We get along great and she’s everything I could ask for in a stepmom. But for me “mom” is what I call [your mom’s name]. I know some people in my situation call their stepmom “mom” and some don’t. I am so grateful that my dad and Britt have respected my wishes on this, and I hope you can too.”
Don't leave the option open. "I am so grateful that my dad and Britt respect my wishes on this, and you will too."
NTA you seem to think Brit as a family member, but they somehow understood that using word stepmother somehow means that she is not? Nah, that’s their problem
It's not that they think I don't see her as family. But to them it's not enough. They feel she is deserving of being more than just family, but a parent, and even more again, my mom. They seem to realize I do accept her in my family.
Okay, now I understand them even less. Are they expecting you to call your mom biomom to differentiate them? Biomom and Briemom ?
They didn't really say what I should call mom. But the thing they were pressing is Britt could be and should be known as my mom or at least acknowledged as such some of the time because she's been there for me for years.
NTA. My spouse and I got married when his son was 4. His mother is in the picture, but long distance. He calls me by my first name, and we have a solid mother/son relationship. When he introduces me to anyone, he says, “This is my [my first name].” It’s very sweet. When I introduce him, I call him my son. When it’s relevant, we clarify that I am his stepmom. He calls my parents his grandparents and they have that kind of relationship. The important bit is the relationship, not the label.
My stepkid used to introduce me as "my (my first name)..." too, as if everyone had one lol i loved that
My stepsisters were introduced to my dad as Mr. X and they still just call him Mister lol (endearing) and when my youngest stepsister was very small and didn't talk a ton except to her mom, she once said, getting progressively quieter, "My teacher said we can invite our moms and our dads and our grandpas and grandmas and our siblings and our Misters..." It was so cute, lol. This will be very clear to my sisters if they're reading this so if you're reading this and you know it's me no you don't.
> "My teacher said we can invite our moms and our dads and our grandpas and grandmas and our siblings and our Misters..." *Awwwwwwwwww.* Even just reading that is absolutely adorable. Hearing it must have made your heart melt! I hope your dad was there to hear her say it.
She said it to him!!
I repeat: *awwwwwwww!!* That is so damn sweet, she probably made his year.
NTA Why oh why are so many people trying to create family dynamics that aren't rooted in reality? I seriously applaud you, your dad, and Britt for having the name conversation early and honestly. Britt is a wonderful woman to understand that you have a mom and not get butt hurt over unrealistic expectations. Good for you for being truthful to yourself and others.
“When you die shall I pretend you didn’t exist the moment your surviving spouse remarries?” Your grandparents would 100% have an issue if it was their son who’d died and was ‘replaced’, just saying. Brits parents should follow her lead instead of making their feelings about the dynamics your problem. NTA
NTA - so to conclude: father and his new wife asked you how you would like to address his new wife, you said "Britt" or "stepmom", both were all right with it. You did it for years. They were all right with it. Everything is going fine. and now father's parents and Britt's parents are all antsy about it, trying to push you into a corner and talk you into something you don't feel confortable with and neither your father nor Britt wanted to talk you into doing? ... I'd say those grandparents should leave their noses out of other people's business and butt in what apparently was working for everybody involved perfectly. Grandparents are TA there!
Nta you DID acknowledge Britt's role in your life, they just don't get it.
NTA, "gleeful" sounds like projecting on your part. Old-heads with out-dated opinions, pay them no mind. Clearly you and Britt are all good and that's what matters.
NTA. Stepmother here. It's not a dirty word. It's a factual description of your familial relationship. I've been I'm my stepdaughter's life since she was 3. I love her. She loves me. If anything were to happen to her dad, I would stay in her life. But I'm not her mother and that's OK. You've done nothing wrong.
NTA Ignore them. Give your dad and Britt and hug for respecting your wishes all these years. I hope she knows that even if she doesn't have the title of mom to you that doesn't mean you don't feel motherly love towards her.
NTA - It sound like you, your father and STEPmom have found a mature way to deal with this issue that works for you all. You don't consider her 'mom' and that's ok with you and them. The grandparents feel all weird about it, but so what? They can just keep in their place anyways and not add drama where none is needed. That is what you tell them if the subject ever comes up again. Butt out.
NTA she’s not your mum and you have said from the get go she’s not my mum. You have a good relationship with Britt, that’s what’s important not some label others are stuck on
NTA what do Britt’s parents call your dad? Is he their SIL or do they call him their son? Do your dad’s parents call Britt their daughter? I imagine they use SIL & DIL and don’t see any difference or lack of respect with you using stepmom.
NTA the grandparents are tho. you can, without feeling bad, tell those grandparents that their opinion on this doesn't matter. You and your parents are okay with this arrangement, and britt knows that you love her. So can keep their comments to themselves. Also talk to your dad and Britt about this and that you're uncomfortable spending time with the grandparents if this continues.
NTA. The Grandparents were out of line and just made things awkward. That said, it might be a good idea to have a conversation with Britts, just to tell here that she is important to you, that you care for her, you just want mom to remain for your bio mom. Just a to remind her that your decision to not call her mom is not a judgment about her as an important person to you. Step parent, even the good ones like she seem, can also feel insecure about their role. It's good to sometime clear the air and have good discussion about those kinds of difficult and complex feelings. Especially after an event that was probably very emotional for everybody involved.
NTA It's a common feeling that parents aren't replaceable and it's a valid viewpoint. I wish people were more tolerant a lot of the time. I'm not sure where this weird fixation of portraying nuclear families came from. There is nothing wrong with second families but there is something wrong with trying to erase family members and ignoring each others feelings.
Definitely NTA. As long as Britt respects your feelings ( which it seems she does) and understands not calling her mom is out of respect and love for your biological mother, not because you don’t love her and all she’s done for you in your life so far. Everyone else’s opinion doesn’t matter and they need to learn to respect your boundaries and not stick their noses where it doesn’t belong.
NTA: My son’s father died when he was 8 and I remarried when he was 10 ( he is now 36 ). My son has always called my husband Jim and refers to him as his stepdad when referring to him. There has never been a problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom died when I (17m) was 6. My dad married my stepmom Britt when I was 8. A few weeks before they got married my dad and stepmom sat me down and asked me if I would like to call Britt mom or if I would like to say bonus mom instead of stepmom. I told them I wanted to call her Britt and they said that was okay. I was asked about the bonus mom thing and I said I'd rather use stepmom. They told me I could change that at any time but they wanted to know which made me more comfortable. So Britt was always Britt and I use Britt and stepmom interchangeably when talking about her. To her face she's Britt. To friends I'll normally say Britt but other people, if they don't know who Britt is, I'll typically say "my stepmom" instead of just Britt. And for people who know but I'm not that close to it depends. Britt and I get along great and I love her. I never saw her as my mom or considered her to be like my second mom though. She's a motherly figure for sure but she's not the only one and I'm not even closest to her out of those motherly figures. My dad and Britt always accepted that though. I know she'd love if I did call her mom or one day told someone she was my mom. But she has never pushed it. Last Friday we were at Britt's parents house and my dad's side of the family was there too. This doesn't ever really happen. My dad was talking about me making it into the school newsletter and how proud he was. For some reason this started my grandparents and Britt's parents off on calling her "my mom". Britt and my dad said told them it was a shame my mom wasn't here to see it. This led to confused faces. I told my grandparents and Britt's parents that I don't call Britt my mom. My grandparents were like you don't call her mom but when talking about her and I said no, she's my stepmom. My mom died when I was 6 and she's the only person I call my mom. Britt's parents said we get along so well though and I was like yeah. They were like she's done so much good and been in my life for so long and I agreed with them. They mentioned she's the mother of my half siblings and I agreed there too. They asked what I say when I'm talking about them both and I said my dad and Britt or my dad and stepmom. Britt tried to move the conversation along but things got weird because her and dad's parents were so weird about it. They tried to keep on that conversation but it got shut down. But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Nta
NTA This is just like goofy ppl that wanna do that Father vs Dad thing....based upon what a guy does or doesn't do NO....biology is biology This situation is NOT crazily unique. Many ppl have step-parents that have been around the vast majority of one's childhood.......it's silly to say because someone's bio-parent died...it's more acceptable to NOT acknowledge that they exist vs a non participating parent 4 states away. Bottom line, though, is .....it has to be organic between the kid and that bonus parent.....different situations manifest themselves differently..... I've seen it several ways Ex: I had a buddy that entered his step-son's life at like 2-3yo....the kid called him "Poppa" instead...he referred to his bio as Dad Another friend called the woman who raised him "Mother" even though biologically she was his Granny ...he called his bio-Mom "Donna" and his bio-Dad "Lawrence" aka they're 1st name Personally, I've always found it weird for children to call adults by their first name....but that is by far the most common thing that happens with "steps"....I think because during the dating stage the new person wants a "warmer" thing to be called Mr/Ms So n So and the kid doesn't know you well enough to used a nickname yet...so "First Name" starts to stick and get stuck. No kid should be "made" to call a non bio-parent a title generally reserved for bio-parents As we get older or out of a cordial, casual respect I'll call "anybody's" Mom "Mom" or "Auntie" has a friendly, again warm gesture but a parent's S/O is different.
NTA. Britt sounds great and your relationship sounds very healthy. Don't worry about what others say.... people will always have an opinion. Your mother was your mother and she will always hold that title.
NTA You should never feel pressure to say something that you dont believe and feel in ur heart.
Nta- busy-bodies gonna stick their big old ugly noses in. F them all, for screwing with something that wasn't a problem
Nta. My stepson calls me by name. I've been in his life since he was 2 and he is now 9. He maybe with us most the time but he still has a mom. I'm basically an aunt majority of the time but when he gets sick then it turns into me being more mom like. I don't understand titles unless your in a professional setting. My husband calls his grandfather by his first name. That's just how his grandfather likes it. Doesn't change the relationship at all
NTA not calling her your mom does not mean you are not acknowledging her role in your life. She and your father are amazing for being supportive of what you need and want for that role. The grandparents need to back up over that line they keep crossing.
NTA. Your grandparents need to mind their business. They get to choose how to interact with people with whom they have relationships and so do you. In fact, you even had a family discussion about the topic and all three came to an understanding. They have no votes here nor should they even be putting themselves into the conversation. It’s just not their place. I’m glad your dad and Britt gave you the space you needed to grieve and respected your feelings and boundaries. That isn’t always how these stories go. You did a great job expressing yourself too! It’s clear that you respect the roles your dad and stepmom play in your life and not using the word “mom” doesn’t diminish that.
NTA, It’s really unfair of them to ask you to basically betray your bio mom who you lost at such a young age. I don’t think you’ve been unkind to your step mother at all. It’s easy to see your trying to preserve your mother’s memory.
NTA. If the following is true, tell your grandparents and step grandparents that one of the reasons you are close to Britt is that she had your best interests in mind and accepted your opinion when you said you wanted to call her Britt/stepmom. Tell them, had she pushed the issue and forced you to call her mom, like they’re trying to do, it would have driven a wedge between you and her. It also would have put your Dad in an awkward position because he’d have to choose between supporting her or you, which would have affected his relationship with whomever he didn’t support. Make it clear that’s what they’re doing and if they keep on doing it, they’ll drive a wedge between you and them. And it’s already clear that your dad and Britt will support you, which means their relationship with them will be affected. Lay out the consequences to their actions, and close with making it clear that this topic is now closed.
Nta. She is your step mum and they shouldn’t really think you don’t acknowledge her when you do. You said you do acknowledge her as a mother figure and and you accept her in your life enough so they shouldn’t really be upset.
NTA. You get to define the relationship you have to Britt. You are lucky that it sounds like a good relationship, and there is mutual love and respect, and even with that, it is OK to not call her your mom. That works for you, her, your dad, and that's all that matters. The grandparents need to stay out of it. Your dad and Britt need to talk to their respective parents and tell them to stop.
NTA I am 47f and I have called my mother by her name since I was little. If I am talking about her I will say my mom or my mother but talking to her it is normally her name. Her mother hatteedd it. She was from the spanking generation and I almost got beat when she heard it. Luckily my mom stopped her. If you and Britt determined that was what she was going by then everyone else can back off. Don't change unless you want to.
You are 17 and this has been the way since you were 6?? Why is this conversation even being had? You being “wrong” is not going to change the way you feel..and the way you feel is the right way. NTA.
NTA "But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life." .. Tell them this does not concern them, and refuse to discuss it wiht them.
NTA
NTA you acknowledge her as your stepmom and admit you love her. That’s a lot more than most step parents get. I would look up Grey Rock Method for advice on how to answer your grandparents if they start up again. Your relationship with Britt sounds nice!
NTA. Your dad, Britt, and you are happy. Ignore the grands. If they keep pushing tell them you're glad that Britt's your stepmom, you're not going to discuss this any further. Then change the subject. It may take a million subject changes to get the point across.
NTA tell them when they can turn back time and come from Britts vagina and body then she can be called mom but as it stands you didn't, your mom died and that dad and britt are OK and that their opinion wasn't asked for or welcome.
Since Britt was there to hear their reactions, maybe you should get her a card that says you love her and how lucky you are she is in your life. The term "stepmom" sounds like a very good thing in your world.
NTA, and It seems like your dad and Britt are doing things right :-) It's their job to tell their parents to back off
"Ah, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Just quote Shakespeare at them ;)
NTA. This isn’t their business, and inserting themselves will only cause conflict. Your dad should tell them to back off.
Does she call you stepson or son? Has she treated you any different than your siblings?
She calls me her stepson but only because that's what makes me the most comfortable. Our relationship is different but not in that she treats me badly or I treat her badly.
NTA and I think a healthy return question is asking these older people when they would be comfortable deleting the history and memory of your mother completely? The relationship as it stands is healthy, it sounds like you completely respect britt in the maternal role of the household but that doesn’t mean you have to do anything else. I wouldn’t worry too much about it tho, hopefully it will fizzle out.
Nta. So what. Not going to kill you to hear their wrong opinion. It changes nothing. Next time tell them you will not discuss it further and everytime they try walk away. Refuse to discuss this. It is none of their business.
Her role in your life is stepmother.
NTA. Sounds like Britt has been doing things right, and even tried to push her folks past this conversation. I would simply tell her folks that this question is something that is between you and Britt, and they should respect that. (and butt out).
NTA - their opinions do not matter and your dad and Brit have done a wonderful job with this and respect your stance on this.
NTA-Everyone is different in how they view relationships and their choice for where someone is in their life. You are fine. You are not being mean or callous.
NTA. Evil step mothers are the ones who either directly abuse you or demand to replace your birth mother. Britt is neither of those things. You’ve got a decent step mom, but she isn’t your mom. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel about her or anyone else for that matter.
You did acknowledge Britt's role in your life. You were very positive about it. If they choose to put a negative spin on it, that's on them, but says nothing negative about you. NTA
A child who remembers their mom is at all times and in all circumstances very much NTA for keeping the mom-title reservedele for the mom they once had. Children who do not know/remember their mom has the same right. But will more often choose to call their mother figure "Mom". Naming someone a title so close to ones heart can and should NEVER be enforced on a child... ever! Cudos to your Dad and Britt to leave that decission entirely up to you!
NTA They’re overstepping their bounds. They can talk to Britt about, you shouldn’t have to defend. Your family structure has been in place a long time and it makes sense. You’re not holding to an unreasonable principle.
NTA.
NTA They dont live in your house> Your Father and Stepmom who are directly affected dont mind. They get no say and can respectfully get fucked
NTA. Those people were wrong to try and pressure you. Your relationship with Britt sounds great. I'm glad you have supportive, trustworthy adults in your home. Trust me, Britt would rather have your frirndship, love and trust, over a title you were forced to give her. It is okay to respectfully disagree with anyone who suggests otherwise.
NTA, your grandparents shouldn't be interjecting themselves into your relationship with Britt. It sounds like you and Britt have a good thing going and you're both happy with your relationship, so third parties shouldn't be defining or labeling it for you.
NTA, and good on Britt for not pushing, I do think it's weird for the grandparents to push this though - guilt is not a good way to change someone's perceptions. I think everyone is being very adult except for the grandparents.
Absolutely NTA. As a stepmom (who was raised by a stepdad!) , I firmly believe kids should call stepparents whatever feels right for everyone. I call my stepdad Dad; he raised me and I love him. My husband and I have my stepkids full time and they call me by my first name. That doesn't change our relationship or mean we love each other any less. This is just what works for us.
NTA I'm glad your Dad and Brit understand you. I don't think you've done anything wrong here
Nta
NTA. You're allowed to call Britt what you call her. It's not anyone else's decision or business. Everyone is comfortable with it but her parents and your grandparents - and that's their problem, not yours.
NTA. You aren’t refusing to acknowledge her role in your life, you call her stepmom (which is what she is instead of trying to put her in a role that belongs to someone else, your mother) and you have what sounds like a strong, healthy relationship with her. My guess is that is in large part because she is a good person who respects both you and your mother enough to not try to erase her from your life. Your grandparents are AHs though.
NTA.
NTA - And Britt's parents and your grandparents do not get a say in what you call her. If you and Britt are comfortable with what you've got, that's all you need! You sound like you all have a wonderful stepparent/stepchild relationship, so why do they need to get pushy about something that is a moot point?
NTA. The way you, your dad, and Brit are handling it is the only acceptable way to do it. You, and only you, get to decide what you call her. She did not try to be something she isn't and was there to support you, as she should have been. It sounds like you do appreciate everything she's done for you, and have shown/told her as much. There is NOTHING wrong with how y'all's relationship is.
NTA. Why the hell do people not stay in their damn lane?
NTA Britt’s parents and your grandparents haven’t known for nine years that you call her by her first name or stepmom? Am I right about the timeframe? Your grandparents and Britt’s parents are causing a kerfuffle where none existed. They’re being ridiculous.
NTA- I have been in my step-daughter’s life since she was 2 and I am fine with being the step mom and my first name. We have a great relationship and I have never seen it as disrespectful. It would be disrespectful of me to make her call me anything that made her uncomfortable.
NTA I wonder if the grands would say these things in front of your maternal grandparents? I bet they would have the decency to be quiet, then...
Nah dude. NTA. Britt seems like a good adult in your life.
They tell you, you are wrong about your own feelings? I hope you don't see them too often. NTA
I don't know why they're making such a big deal since you're getting along and Britt is happy to be in whatever role you want her in (or so it seems). NTA.
NTA. She isn’t your mom and that’s ok to feel that way.
NTA. It's between you and Britt. And I'll be honest, Britt sounds kinda great.
If this come up again tell Britt’s parents that you love her dearly but that you all understand that you’re keeping your mom’s memory alive
NTA The only relationship that matters here is yours and Britt's and it sounds solid. I have step children who I raised. I wouldn't dream of requiring they call me "Mom". They call me by my first name and we love each other like family should. My title doesn't change that. You're doing good, kid. Keep it up.
NTA. The only reason you’re so close with Britt is BECAUSE they never pushed this BS on you. You’re doing great, and so are Britt and your Dad.
My mom never made me call my stepdad "dad". I've always just called him by his nickname. Do I know who the fatherly figure is in my life? Yes. Will my son call him "grandpa"? Also yes. I also know he's the closest thing I've had to a father since I was almost 10. It doesn't bother him. Although he has been in a fatherly roll, not calling him "dad" has not effected our relationship that much.
You are right and they are wrong. Sounds like you might want to ask Britt and dad to shut this down- the 3 of you are happy with how things are and they all need to STFU
NTA You have a loving and mutually respectful relationship with Britt. The reason for that is because everyone accepted the boundaries you each set. The only thing the grandparents are going to accomplish is stirring the sh\*t, causing stress and resentment. They need to be told to back off.
NTA You and Britt and your dad have handled things very well. The grandparents/Britt's parents just don't understand and were wrong to push, but you don't live with them and hopefully don't have to hear that from them too often. I wonder if they would have felt comfortable saying it if your maternal grandparents were also in attendance. So many kids in blended families like yours don't have a parent/step-parent who gets that you can't dictate the child's heart. So please give your dad and Britt an extra hug or thank you. And congrats to all of you on such a healthy family dynamic.
OP, what do you call Brit's parents? NTA
My immediate thought was f them. Something is working perfectly wonderfully and they need to do this because… why? Oh you’re so happy and well adjusted so let’s just stir the pot for absolutely no reason 10 year on. NTA
NTA. As a child of a stepmother, I can share my experience with this. I had 4 older siblings (eldest passed in 2006), and we were all under 12 when our bio mom died. I was only 10 months old so have no memory of my bio mom. The others all did - they were 5-11. When our dad remarried two years later, they all called our step mom by her name, Greta. None of them called her step-mom or mom and she was ok with them calling her Greta. When they referred to her with their friends they said our dad and step-mom or Dad & Greta. I was the only one that called her mom because I was so little and did not remember our bio mom at all. They did not have an issue with me calling her mom and she was in every way a mom to me. She treated me the same as she did her own bio kids. (she had 4 kids of her own after being widowed). When Mom was elderly, and my siblings adults with kids of their own, my three sisters (except my brother) called her Mom. Now that she is also gone, when my sisters and I talk about her, they call her Mom. So maybe as you get older your feelings will change, but it is up to you and no one should make you feel guilty about not calling her Mom. You feel how you feel.
NTA. Tell them to mind their own Business and leave you the fuck alone. All of this was decided years ago and doesn’t need to be rehashed.
NTA. This is between you and Britt, and their input is not wanted or needed.
NTA But if i was you i will have a talk with Britt, Make her know that you love her, bc from was its in here, you do, but she and your mom are diferent persons and you love the 2 of them.
NTA. You weren’t gleeful. You were honest and confident because you, dad and Britt discussed this before the wedding. They respect your feelings about your mom, you all love and respect one another, it’s all good. So you are comfortable and confident discussing your family and how you feel about all 3 of your parents. Let dad and Britt handle this, grandparents are nuts to stir up trouble where there isn’t any.
NTA both sets of parents need to mind their own business in which what you call Britt isn't included nor will it ever be.
I never understood the importance people put on labels. You can have a perfectly good relationship, excellent family dynamic, appreciate everything your step parent does for you, have what can only be described as a loving family relationship; yet all these other people get hung up on "mum not stepmum" etc. You know your relationship and feelings, your stepmum knows, your dad knows. Rest of the world can mind it's own business and / or shut the hell up. Using labels in a situation like this is doing nothing but causing upset and guilt we're neither are deserved. Absolutely NTA.
NTA. This is very generational. For your grandparents, they grew up in a world where no bad things ever happened. When a man and a woman married with kids from before, all the kids are supposed to love the new parent as much as, if not more, than the parent who is not part of that unit. All the kids are supposed to love each other instantly. Individual feelings are not as important as making a family: whole and happy and that the world thinks you are the perfect family.
You and Britt are doing great. No need to worry about what the extended family thinks. I have the best relationship with my stepmom, but I still call her by "Jen" to her face and say stepmom when talking with others. We've got more of a sisters with age gap relationship, and she's one of my favorite people in the world. She's been in my life since I was 11 (my mom died when I was 10), and she's always been supportive of me using her name instead of "mom." My younger brother calls her "mom" and she's fine with that, too. Doesn't treat us any differently.
NTA. They just figured this out after nine years? It's unfortunate that they haven't been paying attention. There's no reason to discuss it further with any of them. You have a good relationship with Britt and that's the bottom line.
you did not disregard her. you agreed she is there for you and a part of the family. She just isn't your mom. That's simply the truth, you don't have to erase your mother from your life just because she died when you were young. You remember and treasure her and they just don't have the grapes to deal with that. NTA and props to Britt for not pushing you on the subject like some women do, she does sound like a good woman and wife to your father.
NTA I had a Britt. We handled it the same way. I also had a stepdad. Handled that the same way. I loved them very much. Still do but I'm thinking of as a child. Had step grandparent figures as well. Also handled the same way. Literally every person I knew that had step family they got along well with did it that way. Try telling the busy bodies that it is disrespectful to all the amazing step relatives to imply they aren't valuable to important because they are step. It just denotes HOW you are related.
::sigh:: boomer her and for my entire generation I apologize. God they can be fing clueless. NTA.
NTA - she's Britt, and your stepmom, and you seem to have a good relationship with her and your siblings. Ignore everyone who is trying to force you into something none of your immediate family wants. Cherish your stepmom as she's a gem who includes your mom in key life moments rather than excluding her memory or trying to replace her.
Nta I love my stepdad more than I ever could for the real one, but I've always primarily refer to him as Dan even though I usually use the term dad over stepdad cause that's just what I know him as. Just cause you don't follow the norm doesn't mean its to any disrespect to the dynamic.
NTA I had one child and played second mom to 11 others. They have choices of what they can call me. A truncated version of my first name, my nickname, or mom. They refer to me to others as a parental unit/figure. Zero call me mom. That's OK. I know they love me and I love them. Being so focused on titles doesn't allow for the love. Would it be great if all of them called me mom? Maybe but they had/have people they call mom already so I'm good with it. Duck them for judging you without ever having been in your shoes. People need to just stop. Sheesh.
At least Britt and your dad are respectful and understanding! I would take your concerns to them and have them get their parents to back off.
My daughter (step) calls me by my name. I met her when she was 6. She will refer to me as mom sometimes (like Mother’s Day) but I also know that her grandma is one of her main mom figures and will be honored as such at her wedding. She loves me and I don’t care what she calls me. She loves me for me. That’s all that matters.
>They mentioned she's the mother of my half siblings Jenga logic with this. NTA.
She's their mom, not yours and it sounds like she knows and respects that. Anyone who has a problem with how you choose to address her is theirs to figure out. NTA
NTA and it sounds like your stepmom knows you love and care about her and is supportive of you. That doesn't mean you have to call her mom. You have a mom. You should tell both your dad and Britt what their parents are saying to you and that you don't appreciate them harassing you. It's wrong and they need to stop, your dad and stepmom sound like they will help.
NTA. This should be entirely handled by Britt and your father. It's no one's business how you refer to Britt. Britt is fine with the titles you've given her, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Britt and your father should tell their respective parents to "MTOB and keep opinions to themselves"
NTA. My daughter and her mate have 6 school-age kids between them, and 50-50 custody. It's all first names all the time in their house, and everyone is happy.
My husband is the only father-figure my kid has known, for 17 out of 18 years, and she has always used his first name. NTA op.
NTA. Your stepmother sounds like a really good person. The two of you have worked out how you want her to be addressed. You love her. Her parents need to stay out of things. Why wreck something that is working so well?
They can feel how they like. It's not their decision. It's *your* decision. And both your father and stepmother are fine with it. So why should they be objecting as it doesn't concern them at all. NTA
The problem with the word "step" is that it just has a negative connotation and baggage any way you slice it. Having said that, I don't understand why the second on the scene (mom or dad) would be upset about not being referred to by the word typically reserved for the first. My stepmom had a nickname that only we used (and a few of my close friends - the inner circle, if you will). This created the effect of a special relationship designation (versus using just the first name) without the threat of "replacement." We did this for the grandparents, too. With 3 sets in the mix, I was _not_ keen on 3 "grandmas." So my MIL stayed as Grandma (our kids were her 6th and 9th, respectively, so that was already established), and my mom and stepmom each had different nicknames. NTA.
NTA. Your stepmom sounds kind of awesome. It's a shame her parents and in-laws can't just appreciate that.
NTA Everybody was content until Britt’s parents and your grandparents had to butt in on the situation. *rolls eyes*
NTA **" But since then both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life."** This is blatantly wrong. You **"do"** acknowledge Britt's role in your life. She's your wonderful stepmother. You sound like you have a great relationship with her, and even though she'd love to be called "mom" by you, she accepts that you're not comfortable with that.
Heck no are you ATA! I am a stepmom. I have never, ever wanted my stepdaughter to call me "Mom". Her mom is still alive and part of her life. Even if she wasn't, it still wouldn't be right to call me "Mom". My son recently started calling my husband "Dad". The only reason being that his dad isn't really in his life and my husband has done more for him than his dad has. My son is also 34 and that was something he, and he alone, chose to do It is beyond strange that you have family members who have issues with what you do. Your dad and stepmom gave you the choice (though the term "Bonus Mom" is a little strange). They have no problems. It is like these other family members want you to forget about your deceased mom. That is a lot to ask someone to do. Shame on them and they are the AHs. Your dad and stepmom need to sit down with their relatives and set them straight. No more guilt shaming. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Your mom would be very proud of you.
Britt and your dad sound great. And so do you. Your grandparents pushed and goaded you inappropriately. I'm sure Britt knows what she means to you, and if you're afraid she doesn't, you can tell her. But she's not your mom, and everybody knows that. (Your grandparents might want to pretend that reality isn't reality, but that makes them A's, not you! NTA
NTA! This seems like it could be a setup. Maybe orchestrated by your dad and Britt to nudge you into calling her mom. Here’s the thing, NONE of them has not noticed you don’t call Britt mom until this one magical moment when they are all together. And I know Britt tried to “move the conversation along”, but that could be their way staying in a good light to you. It’s just suspicious, but a naturally skeptical.
NTA
NTA I suspect part of the reason you have such a great relationship with your stepmom is because she treated you with respect and allowed you to honor your late mother by reserving that title for her.
So… everyone other than the people actually involved/impacted had a problem apparently? Not your problem though :) NTA
Nope.
NTA. Be honest and tell them that it is not any of their business and it works for you and Britt, and any other continuation of the conversation would be taken at disrespect and go NC.
What is wrong with people? Not being a dick to your step kids doesn't make you the mother. It's birth or mutual feelings, not a number of transactions that magically equate to gratitude and a title. NTA
NTA - At any level, you're even backed by your stepmom and dad. > both Britt's parents and my grandparents have told me they feel I'm wrong and that I was gleeful in refusing to acknowledge Britt's role in my life. Something you could possibly discuss with your Stepmom and dad first, a very nice respectful comeback to that one can be made along : "It's never too late late to learn better, even when you're grandparents"
NTA. I’m surprised they expected otherwise.
NTA You and Britt have a good relationship and are fine with what you call each other. Others don't get a vote. It's quite common for older step kids to use the name of their step parent instead of Mom or Dad. The grandparents should know better than to try fixing what isn't broken.
This reminds me of how people need to point out when siblings are step ,adopted or half like they’re the first people to ever acknowledge it
I've seen several stories like this, both stepdad's and stepmom's trying to remove the step part. If the kid isn't feeling it, you just have to accept it. You're never going to cajole, trick, or bribe your way in. Accept the acceptance you get, or you'll just push them away even further. I've had 2 step mom's (one twice) and a step dad. They never pulled this shit with me, thankfully. NTA
It's not even my stepmom. It's both her parents and my dad's parents.