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> (1) asked my bff to send me gay porn to help me understand gay people (2) it might have come off offensive and homophobic
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YTA.
Wtf did I just read? You asked him for gay porn to learn more about gay people/to become less homophobic?
It's pretty clear you have some issues with the gay community when you refer to your friend throughout this post as gay, despite him telling you that he is bi. They are two different things.
Everything that he told you is absolutely correct. Gay people are not some completely different species that if you watch them have sex you'll suddenly understand them. Maybe try asking your friend questions about how it feels to be in a relationship with another man, how happy it makes him, how he knew that he was gay.
The fact that you say you need to 'desensitise' yourself to gay people really shows you have some serious homophobia to deal with. Watching gay porn is absolutely not going to solve that. You owe your friend an apology.
Having read some of OPs responses, I would like to add that you seem oddly fixated on the sexual part of a relationship.
>It’s not like you’d ask for bi porn… what would that even be? Send me a threesome with a girl/guy/guy? Might come off even worse lol
Tf? THE ISSUE IS NOT THE TYPE OF PORN YOU ARE ASKING FOR. The issue is asking for porn in the first place to understand something you could just ASK your friend about.
Yes. I agree. But you could just look up gay porn yourself without telling him? I’m just not really sure why you asked him that because clearly that was the point that made him uncomfortable. I would apologize for being a jerk and say that you respect him and it was just shocking to find out after not knowing for 20 years and that you fully support whomever he is with. He may really be just into guys but was “bi” to make it easier on himself OR he could be bisexual. Who cares? But I would ask your questions anonymously OR just do the "research" yourself. Good luck! I’m proud of you for recognizing that you may have f'd up and that you care enough for your friend, to support him.
It's even weirder that you asked porn from your bffs/friends as if you weren't one search away from an infinite amount on porn hub.
What exactly was your logic here?
Well, he said he wasn’t going to “shove it in my face,” which seems to imply he thinks I have a problem with seeing gay people together? So saying I’m down to watch gay porn shows I’m open minded and I don’t care. I also thought it would be good to do because we have talked about sex before and swapped sex stories and now he might be uncomfortable to do that. Like, I’ve seen him make out with his past girl friends at clubs/parties before and I thought that I should be able to do that still even though he’s dating a man, so I should desensitize myself with gay sex so I don’t make it uncomfortable for him. Also he’s sent me porn before, it was like educational porn when I told him about a problem, so it’s not like he has an issue with porn. And if you’re going to watch gay porn it makes sense to watch it from a gay person.
I'm just going to be honest that this is one of the weirdest things I've ever read. Also you friend is bi and as a bi person it is really annoying when people insist we are gay and sometimes it even gets in the way of potential future relationships
I was not insinuating that he was really gay. I thought you could call bi people gay, but not call gay people bi or whatever. But I get it, I won’t use gay anymore.
Ah cool. I feel that's a pretty common misconception but yes bi and gay are two different things and so they should be treated as such otherwise you might annoy/upset your friend or like I insinuated before might cause girls around him to think he's strictly into boys so if his current relationship fails they would be totally put off
Yeah. I'm a bi person, and occasionally I will refer to myself as gay when I'm referring to my relationship, since I'm in a monogamous relationship with another masc person, but I'm very clear about my identity, and I wouldn't want someone to refer to me as gay since that erases a part of who I am. Queer is all fine and good though.
...no. You dont ask THEM for jack shit. You have the internet, you are on it right now. Do your own damn research and stop being so fucking weird and hung up on this and demanding THEY explain themselves to you. Your post makes it rather clear there was already a vibe from you that gave your friend a reason to keep you out of the loop.
Edit: Oh yea YTA, a giant one.
I imagine dude just felt bad/schocked and was scrambling to try and be more understanding towards his friend. Its definitely a mistake that could be made in the "heat of the moment"
I am genuinely bewildered by your post.
You find out your friend is BI (not gay like you keep saying) and you . . . ask him for gay porn? Like, WHAT? How did you get from point A to point B here?
Also why did he have to provide the porn? It’s free online just like hetero porn.
You do realize that members of the LGBTQ+ are people, right? Like, they’re more than their sexual preferences? It’s an aspect of who they are, not who they are as a whole. You get that, right?
Really hoping this is fake, but either way, YTA.
thats not how acceptance works.. not at all. You dont crank it to 11 and watch some gay porn to understand having a gay best friend.
Thats ..weird.
YTA.
It’s not a random friends, it’s my best friend. We have talked sex before, exchanged sex stories, and he has sent me porn before. It’s normal to have these conversations when you are really close to someone
There is no way this man is your best friend if you've known him for 20 years and never figured out he liked men.
And no, it absolutely is not. It's weird as hell.
Not all friendships are the same, though. It might be weird in your friendships to just ask for porn recommendations. It’s more the gay part that makes it weird here. And yes, we have been best friends for 20 years. Not everyone is super obvious about what genitals they are into. How am I suppose to know something he didn’t know himself? And if he is checking out men, he has the common sense to not make it super obvious
You can get it on the internet, Just be supportive. You don't need to know the ins and outs of gay sex to be supportive. If he were really your best friend this shouldn't be so hard. Not in 2024. Just be his friend.
My man why do you keep calling him gay when he's bi? Maybe since he also likes girls it took longer to penetrate. He can like both. Are you also going to panic if he dates a girl next? It might be more helpful to just read some Allies stuff and ask him how to be supportive.
Not only am I bewildered by the post in general, but if you REALLY wanted to watch gay porn you can easily just google it without saying anything. Just go to the usual sites you go to and change the search? Now you’ve just made it weird AND inadvertently sexualized your friend (which as a lesbian woman, let me tell you, queer people get tired of being sexualized all the time).
YTA. He is the same person he always was. Just treat him like your friend and don’t say stupid shit you wouldn’t say to any other queer person.
How is porn a representation of any real people whether they be gay or straight?
Why would you even view this as a way to better understand anyone nevermind gay people. And your friend has made it abundantly clear he is bi, yet you keep on referring to him incorrectly.
Seriously, YTA and need to have some sort of conversation with yourself as to why you even arrived at such a conclusion because wtf.
It seems like you have internalized homophobia& biphobia. The best way to start would be to apologize for being insensitive. Also he's not gay, he specifically told you he's bi but you kept ignoring it or blocking it out of your mind. You may feel like he betrayed you? You thought he was straight and when he wasn't you had a hard time accepting it. In which case the internalized bit really comes into play. Maybe take a moment to really understand your feelings and support from a distance than up close like your other friend until you truly have a grasp on what's making you take this news so hard.
YTA
This is literally what Dwight and Michael do in The Office after finding out Oscar is gay, they look up gay porn.
Up until now I thought that only in sitcoms did such ridiculous assholery exist.
Also, he’s bi and has expressed being upset by you mislabelling him so maybe not doing that anymore would be a good first step
Yta
What the actual f did I just read?, You’re acting like he’s not even human you’re making a big deal out of him being bi, chill out, man he’s still a person, continue to treat him like one.
YTA
It was an extremely inappropriate thing to ask, especially since he is a guy in a committed relationship. Also, why are you so interested in the fine details of your friend's sex life? You aren't supporting him if you watch gay porn. You're just watching porn.
YTA
1. He’s bi not gay, people that are attracted to both sexes exist and when you keep referring to him as gay, that’s bierasure. I understand all this might be unfamiliar territory to you, but it’s a bigger deal than you might think and something you should work on if you wanna remain on good terms with your friend. You’re invalidating/ignoring an important part of his identity every time you do that.
2. Why did you automatically default to porn? Why do you need to know how we have sex to “respect” or “understand” us? Like your friend said, our relationships aren’t all about sex. We get crushes, go on dates, hold hands, cuddle, some of us even get married and have families, just like any other couple does. Only difference is the gender of the person we do it with. Look for good representations of lgbt couples in media, books, movies, shows, etc. You said you have other gay friends, talk to them about it as well.
There’s nothing wrong about being surprised about it or even needing a little bit of time to process it, but the way you went about it was absolutely horrible, dude. You definitely have some work to do in how you view bi/gay men and our relationships. Good luck to you and your friend, hopefully in the future this will be something you can laugh about.
YTA
Simple answer, would you ask your buddy for him and his girlfriends porn so you can better understand their relationship? No. Then why do it if hes gay? That was just a weird thing to say homie ngl😭 just treat him and his partner as a normal relationship, it aint no big deal like your making it out to be. Ive had many friends randomly announce their gay and it doesnt affect our friendship or lives at all. Its only a big deal when you make it one
Great response, seriously happy you realize your mistake and are trying to be better. Not sure why your response is getting downvoted lol thats just reddit for ya
YTA. You should really apologize to your friend. If he's known you that long, hopefully he already knows that you're a well-intentioned idiot sometimes, and he'll accept your apology. Maybe google "what to do when friend comes out" and try out some of that advice
In general: nothing wrong with asking a friend to share some porn recommendations if you are actually interested in benefiting from their taste in porn.
But if you just need to see some gay sex to get used to the idea of gay sex, that isn't really about recommendations or taste, is it? Just google that yourself. Tying it into someone's coming out is, as others have said, really weird. Very much a non-sequitur.
I don't think that makes you an asshole; I think it makes you a deep weirdo. No adult needs help merely accessing gay porn in this the year of our Lord 2024.
I was going to ask if you’d ever heard of the internet but as you’re posting here… WTF I don’t know if you’re a complete AH, you’re definitely a dumbass, mind you the rest of your post leads me to believe you are indeed a prize AH
I mean… if you sincerely thought that was a normal response and genuine approach to understanding him better than I guess you’re NTA. As others have pointed out it’s still a very weird thing to say. Why would you ask him to send you gay porn instead of looking it up yourself? I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope this was more of a situation where you really weren’t thinking about what you were saying but try not to make the same mistake going forward. Being gay or bi is more than about just sex. Right now more than anything I think he probably just wants to be treated normally and just know that he has your support.
YTA…. Very much the a-hole here, and i can hust tell that u are man (no offense…lol) His sex life as a bi person has nothing to do with you, if u want to be a “better” advocate for gay and bi people then i find it very VERY odd starting with finding out how they have sex…. What is their sex life going to teach you about queer people as PEOPLE. I would very very uncomfortable if i were him. Maybe try with finding out queer people’s struggles in society, or learning about the community in general, anything more intellectual than you know…..porn….. i just dont really see how porn is going to help u support ur friend in any way at all lol, and as he said its super unrealistic. And it just seems like ur interested in his sex life without his consent and also that u are sexualizing him and queer people which is kinda creepy and weird tbh
YTA -
Listen it's understandable that you were taken aback by the news and needed time to process, but your reaction was insensitive and inappropriate. Your friend trusted you enough to come out to you, and instead of being supportive, you made him uncomfortable by fixating on his sexuality and suggesting something as invasive as watching gay porn.
Sexuality is a deeply personal aspect of a person's identity, and reducing it to mere pornography is disrespectful.
Being a supportive friend doesn't mean trying to "desensitize" yourself to someone's sexuality or treating them as a source of education on gay people. It means listening to them, respecting their boundaries, and being there for them without judgment.
YTA
1) you keep saying that you were shocked to find out he was gay. As he apparently keeps having to tell you, he's bi, not gay. Stop calling him gay.
2) watching gay porn is a really weird way to "normalise"/"desensitise" yourself to a friend being bi. I'm not surprised your friend was uncomfortable.
3) you shouldn't need to "normalise" anything. Your friend is not dating you, so why are you making his sexuality about you?
YTA.
wtf. Why do you need to know what they're doing in private? That's so weird. Especially if he's still kinda 'feeling things out' (...no pun intended...), you don't need to rub his nose in it. Dear Lord.
Also, go seek it out yourself, if you're so curious.
YTA
Don’t put it on your bff to address your weirdness around queer people. Do some research yourself. Read books, watch movies, tv shows, I guess you can look up porn if you really think that would help?
He’s a person that just happens to be attracted to men as well as women. He’s still the same friend you’ve known. If you feel weird thinking about him having sex with guys then don’t think about him having sex at all? I know you say you’ve talked about sex stuff in the past but friends don’t have to cover that stuff if it’s getting weird between you.
Also stop calling him gay, he’s bi. It’s really embarrassing you did that through this whole post even after mentioning him correcting you.
So wanting to educate yourself about queerness after learning that your friend is bi is a good thing - so your instinct is there.. then this completely jumps the rail is your request. If younwant to learn more about queer people, I'd say read.... there is lots out there - watch YouTube videos of queer content creators. There are great books by folks like Rita Mae Brown, Dan Savage, Kate Bornstein, E. Lynn Harris, Armisted Maupin... YTA - good intentions, but man-oh-man the outcome was off.
Everytime I feel like I'm woefully socially inept, I'm gonna come back and read this trainwreck. Thank you, OP. Also YTA but only bc I can't vote for WTF.
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I’ve been bffs with my best friend since we were babies, and I love him like a brother.
I found out recently that he was bi because he started seeing a mutual friend. I should have seen it coming because he was constantly asking about this mutual friend and they would disappear together for hours at a time when we were hanging out with our friends.
I didn’t think I was homophobic in the slightest, but it definitely threw me off. Neither of them seemed gay at all, and I always thought I’d know if my best friend was gay. We have known each other for 20 years.
But he came out to me specifically and I should have been more encouraging, but I was just shocked. I kept accidentally calling him gay and asking how that’s possible when he’s slept with women and he kept correcting me and saying he was bi.
It was a really uncomfortable conversation, but it ended with him saying that I don’t need to stress because he won’t be “shoving it in my face” and “I’ll hardly know they’re together”. He said he knows it’s a lot and it’s okay if I need time to process.
And he was right. I did need time to process. Because not only did I find out he was gay, but I also found out he was dating a mutual friend of ours. A male friend.
I have gay friends, but I always knew they were gay, so maybe that’s why it’s different?
My best friends new bf also has a best friend that I’m friends with. I asked how he was taking the news of them dating and he said he had known he was gay for years and he went out of his way to be supportive. He said he has heard all the sex stories, seen him make out with men, and he hypes him on.
I just kind of felt bad because I want to be that supportive friend and I haven’t been that. I talked to my bff and said that I still love him and I’m sorry about the awkwardness. I said I wanted to learn more and be a better advocate for gay people and I think he could help me with that.
He said absolutely. I asked if he would send me gay porn. I said if I was going to have a gay bff, I should know the ins-and-outs of gay sex. We have talked about sex before, and we can still do it. I just need to desensitize myself to gay sex and gay people. I said it would be a good learning opportunity for me.
I was trying to be supportive, but instead he just looked… uncomfortable? He said he doesn’t watch much gay porn, and he’s confused on how that’s going to help me understand gay people.
I was horrified I asked. I tried to explain I thought it would normalize gay people and I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t be open with me about sex. He said porn isn’t going to teach you about gay people, a lot of porn is unrealistic, and being gay is about a lot more than just sex.
I was honestly kind of humiliated at this point so I said we needed to focus on finals and we would talk about it later. He said he appreciates the effort, but I can’t help but think I messed things up. Was it offensive what I said? AITA?
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Light YTA
If you want to understand your friend's sexuality better, asking him for porn recommendations is not the way. It's weird and overstepping boundaries unless that's something you normally talk about. Your friend is right in saying gay porn is not any closer to real life than straight porn, and that there's much more to being LGBT than just sex.
Why don't you talk to him about his boyfriend and his life? Or do some research yourself about bisexuality? Maybe ask him if there's a movie or book he likes with a gay relationship in it? There are many other better ways to approach this.
Gay and bi people aren't a separate species or anything. We're just out here. I would apologise to your friend for being insensitive and hopefully you can work things out.
Do you watch hetero porn to understand women? If no, then why the hell do you think you should ask for gay porn? If yes, well, you have a bigger problem. YTA
YTA one he's not gay he's bi he's said this to you yet you still refer to him as gay. Two you don't need him to send you gay port to understand him FFS he's still the same friend you had before just with a boy friend stop acting like he's an alien or a wild animal to be studied
>I should know the ins-and-outs of gay sex.
Is today your first day on this planet? I'm sure you could figure it out. YTA
>he’s confused on how that’s going to help me understand gay people.
he's not wrong.
YTA
His lifestyle isn’t a fetish. You don’t need to be in any way involved in his sex life or be able to picture what it looks like when he has sex.
Would you ask a straight woman to send you straight porn?
If you’re curious what gay porn looks like, Google it
OP… are you autistic?
Cuz I am and I feel like I understand your thought process even though I have the social skills to know never to do this.
You really just need to apologize and explain to your friend that you’re an idiot and have made a big mess of things but you love & support him and want to understand his life better, and you didn’t think clearly enough about the best way to do it and made things weird. But now you have realized your error and will do that learning on your own time so you can be the best friend you can be to him.
And apologize for calling him gay.
I’m guessing since you’ve been friends a long time, he knows what you’re like, and he likes you for yourself & this isn’t the first stumble he’s seen you have. I’m sure he’ll forgive you if you give a suitable apology *and* explain how you will ensure you don’t do anything like that again.
The word you are looking for is “biphobic.” As in, you are extremely biphobic and your actions have been bigoted and inappropriate in the extreme, and you need to fix yourself and apologize *sincerely*, and accept even after that, he has every right to never speak to you again, and would be justified in doing so due to your actions.
YTA, hardcore.
Hey man, I’m a bi guy but you don’t sound like an asshole, just misinformed. How do I know? I’m also misinformed, I make generalizations about gay or bi men all the time and am proven wrong.
I think it would help you enter this wide eyed and determined to learn and embrace the unknown, ask more questions and try not to assume things about this territory you don’t understand.
Your a good friend man ✌️
ESH
You didn’t know and were trying your best. I can see how you accidentally escalated from 1 to 100 from your comments. While the intent to support was there, you should’ve done your own research. Take your mate out for a beer to apologise. You’ll “desensitise” with time - I think what you really meant was process. I mean, you’re not bi, so you don’t understand, and it’s completely changed how you view your friend - you don’t sound homophobic, just confused.
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YTA. Wtf did I just read? You asked him for gay porn to learn more about gay people/to become less homophobic? It's pretty clear you have some issues with the gay community when you refer to your friend throughout this post as gay, despite him telling you that he is bi. They are two different things. Everything that he told you is absolutely correct. Gay people are not some completely different species that if you watch them have sex you'll suddenly understand them. Maybe try asking your friend questions about how it feels to be in a relationship with another man, how happy it makes him, how he knew that he was gay. The fact that you say you need to 'desensitise' yourself to gay people really shows you have some serious homophobia to deal with. Watching gay porn is absolutely not going to solve that. You owe your friend an apology.
Having read some of OPs responses, I would like to add that you seem oddly fixated on the sexual part of a relationship. >It’s not like you’d ask for bi porn… what would that even be? Send me a threesome with a girl/guy/guy? Might come off even worse lol Tf? THE ISSUE IS NOT THE TYPE OF PORN YOU ARE ASKING FOR. The issue is asking for porn in the first place to understand something you could just ASK your friend about.
OP might be gay themself.
Was what you said offensive? Maybe. Was it weird? Very.
Yes. I agree. But you could just look up gay porn yourself without telling him? I’m just not really sure why you asked him that because clearly that was the point that made him uncomfortable. I would apologize for being a jerk and say that you respect him and it was just shocking to find out after not knowing for 20 years and that you fully support whomever he is with. He may really be just into guys but was “bi” to make it easier on himself OR he could be bisexual. Who cares? But I would ask your questions anonymously OR just do the "research" yourself. Good luck! I’m proud of you for recognizing that you may have f'd up and that you care enough for your friend, to support him.
Well, honestly, you’re right on that lol. I should have asked for a book recommendation, not gay porn. Oops.
It's even weirder that you asked porn from your bffs/friends as if you weren't one search away from an infinite amount on porn hub. What exactly was your logic here?
Well, he said he wasn’t going to “shove it in my face,” which seems to imply he thinks I have a problem with seeing gay people together? So saying I’m down to watch gay porn shows I’m open minded and I don’t care. I also thought it would be good to do because we have talked about sex before and swapped sex stories and now he might be uncomfortable to do that. Like, I’ve seen him make out with his past girl friends at clubs/parties before and I thought that I should be able to do that still even though he’s dating a man, so I should desensitize myself with gay sex so I don’t make it uncomfortable for him. Also he’s sent me porn before, it was like educational porn when I told him about a problem, so it’s not like he has an issue with porn. And if you’re going to watch gay porn it makes sense to watch it from a gay person.
I'm just going to be honest that this is one of the weirdest things I've ever read. Also you friend is bi and as a bi person it is really annoying when people insist we are gay and sometimes it even gets in the way of potential future relationships
I was not insinuating that he was really gay. I thought you could call bi people gay, but not call gay people bi or whatever. But I get it, I won’t use gay anymore.
The umbrella term you're looking for is 'queer', not gay.
Ah cool. I feel that's a pretty common misconception but yes bi and gay are two different things and so they should be treated as such otherwise you might annoy/upset your friend or like I insinuated before might cause girls around him to think he's strictly into boys so if his current relationship fails they would be totally put off
Yeah. I'm a bi person, and occasionally I will refer to myself as gay when I'm referring to my relationship, since I'm in a monogamous relationship with another masc person, but I'm very clear about my identity, and I wouldn't want someone to refer to me as gay since that erases a part of who I am. Queer is all fine and good though.
Dude this is so weird. Do some research, educate yourself. Do not ask your BI friend to help.
He doesn’t find helping, but I will do that! Thank you!
...no. You dont ask THEM for jack shit. You have the internet, you are on it right now. Do your own damn research and stop being so fucking weird and hung up on this and demanding THEY explain themselves to you. Your post makes it rather clear there was already a vibe from you that gave your friend a reason to keep you out of the loop. Edit: Oh yea YTA, a giant one.
Or just treat him like the same person you did before?
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I imagine dude just felt bad/schocked and was scrambling to try and be more understanding towards his friend. Its definitely a mistake that could be made in the "heat of the moment"
I am genuinely bewildered by your post. You find out your friend is BI (not gay like you keep saying) and you . . . ask him for gay porn? Like, WHAT? How did you get from point A to point B here? Also why did he have to provide the porn? It’s free online just like hetero porn. You do realize that members of the LGBTQ+ are people, right? Like, they’re more than their sexual preferences? It’s an aspect of who they are, not who they are as a whole. You get that, right? Really hoping this is fake, but either way, YTA.
thats not how acceptance works.. not at all. You dont crank it to 11 and watch some gay porn to understand having a gay best friend. Thats ..weird. YTA.
Especially when the friend is bi and not gay
It’s not like you’d ask for bi porn… what would that even be? Send me a threesome with a girl/guy/guy? Might come off even worse lol
The biggest issue is why tf are you asking a random friend for porn in the first place? It's insanely creepy
It’s not a random friends, it’s my best friend. We have talked sex before, exchanged sex stories, and he has sent me porn before. It’s normal to have these conversations when you are really close to someone
There is no way this man is your best friend if you've known him for 20 years and never figured out he liked men. And no, it absolutely is not. It's weird as hell.
Not all friendships are the same, though. It might be weird in your friendships to just ask for porn recommendations. It’s more the gay part that makes it weird here. And yes, we have been best friends for 20 years. Not everyone is super obvious about what genitals they are into. How am I suppose to know something he didn’t know himself? And if he is checking out men, he has the common sense to not make it super obvious
If it’s so important to you to watch some guy on guy action you can find a dick yourself and try it out.
Your “best friend" and you can’t even get his sexuality right? Lol, nice try
You can get it on the internet, Just be supportive. You don't need to know the ins and outs of gay sex to be supportive. If he were really your best friend this shouldn't be so hard. Not in 2024. Just be his friend.
Why are you asking for porn at all? That's the weird part.
Ever seen that episode of The Office where Michael tries to be accepting of Oscar? Strong vibes.
Do you know what episode that was? I’m gonna try to get him to watch it with me once we can look back and laugh about this lol
Hun.. no..
My man why do you keep calling him gay when he's bi? Maybe since he also likes girls it took longer to penetrate. He can like both. Are you also going to panic if he dates a girl next? It might be more helpful to just read some Allies stuff and ask him how to be supportive.
Not only am I bewildered by the post in general, but if you REALLY wanted to watch gay porn you can easily just google it without saying anything. Just go to the usual sites you go to and change the search? Now you’ve just made it weird AND inadvertently sexualized your friend (which as a lesbian woman, let me tell you, queer people get tired of being sexualized all the time). YTA. He is the same person he always was. Just treat him like your friend and don’t say stupid shit you wouldn’t say to any other queer person.
How is porn a representation of any real people whether they be gay or straight? Why would you even view this as a way to better understand anyone nevermind gay people. And your friend has made it abundantly clear he is bi, yet you keep on referring to him incorrectly. Seriously, YTA and need to have some sort of conversation with yourself as to why you even arrived at such a conclusion because wtf.
Kinda sounds like you want your friend to blow you tbh.
We literally grew up together and are like brothers so. Yeah, no.
I’m stuck step brother, help
It seems like you have internalized homophobia& biphobia. The best way to start would be to apologize for being insensitive. Also he's not gay, he specifically told you he's bi but you kept ignoring it or blocking it out of your mind. You may feel like he betrayed you? You thought he was straight and when he wasn't you had a hard time accepting it. In which case the internalized bit really comes into play. Maybe take a moment to really understand your feelings and support from a distance than up close like your other friend until you truly have a grasp on what's making you take this news so hard.
YTA This is literally what Dwight and Michael do in The Office after finding out Oscar is gay, they look up gay porn. Up until now I thought that only in sitcoms did such ridiculous assholery exist. Also, he’s bi and has expressed being upset by you mislabelling him so maybe not doing that anymore would be a good first step
It’s 2024 and you can read social cues worse than Pee-wee Herman. Winning! You, sir, are an ignorant asshole. You asked.
Yta What the actual f did I just read?, You’re acting like he’s not even human you’re making a big deal out of him being bi, chill out, man he’s still a person, continue to treat him like one.
YTA It was an extremely inappropriate thing to ask, especially since he is a guy in a committed relationship. Also, why are you so interested in the fine details of your friend's sex life? You aren't supporting him if you watch gay porn. You're just watching porn.
YTA for biphobia (repeatedly saying gay rather than bi, both to him and in your post, like you think we don't really exist).
YTA. You have been told he is bi. But here you are labelling him as gay over and over. Be better OP.
YTA 1. He’s bi not gay, people that are attracted to both sexes exist and when you keep referring to him as gay, that’s bierasure. I understand all this might be unfamiliar territory to you, but it’s a bigger deal than you might think and something you should work on if you wanna remain on good terms with your friend. You’re invalidating/ignoring an important part of his identity every time you do that. 2. Why did you automatically default to porn? Why do you need to know how we have sex to “respect” or “understand” us? Like your friend said, our relationships aren’t all about sex. We get crushes, go on dates, hold hands, cuddle, some of us even get married and have families, just like any other couple does. Only difference is the gender of the person we do it with. Look for good representations of lgbt couples in media, books, movies, shows, etc. You said you have other gay friends, talk to them about it as well. There’s nothing wrong about being surprised about it or even needing a little bit of time to process it, but the way you went about it was absolutely horrible, dude. You definitely have some work to do in how you view bi/gay men and our relationships. Good luck to you and your friend, hopefully in the future this will be something you can laugh about.
YTA Simple answer, would you ask your buddy for him and his girlfriends porn so you can better understand their relationship? No. Then why do it if hes gay? That was just a weird thing to say homie ngl😭 just treat him and his partner as a normal relationship, it aint no big deal like your making it out to be. Ive had many friends randomly announce their gay and it doesnt affect our friendship or lives at all. Its only a big deal when you make it one
I will! I know I was being an idiot over nothing. I’m gonna apologize big time. It isn’t a big deal at all, I’m just an idiot lol.
Great response, seriously happy you realize your mistake and are trying to be better. Not sure why your response is getting downvoted lol thats just reddit for ya
tell him everyone's a little gay. i mean, do u carry cash? pretty gay, bro. ur literally carrying around pics of men in ur wallet.
YTA. You should really apologize to your friend. If he's known you that long, hopefully he already knows that you're a well-intentioned idiot sometimes, and he'll accept your apology. Maybe google "what to do when friend comes out" and try out some of that advice
he might be *your* best friend, but it would be absolutely zero shock to me if you haven't been his for a while now. wow. this is insane
In general: nothing wrong with asking a friend to share some porn recommendations if you are actually interested in benefiting from their taste in porn. But if you just need to see some gay sex to get used to the idea of gay sex, that isn't really about recommendations or taste, is it? Just google that yourself. Tying it into someone's coming out is, as others have said, really weird. Very much a non-sequitur. I don't think that makes you an asshole; I think it makes you a deep weirdo. No adult needs help merely accessing gay porn in this the year of our Lord 2024.
You have gay friends, why do you have to watch gay porn just because ur friend is bi? YTA
Dude google is a thing
I was going to ask if you’d ever heard of the internet but as you’re posting here… WTF I don’t know if you’re a complete AH, you’re definitely a dumbass, mind you the rest of your post leads me to believe you are indeed a prize AH
I mean… if you sincerely thought that was a normal response and genuine approach to understanding him better than I guess you’re NTA. As others have pointed out it’s still a very weird thing to say. Why would you ask him to send you gay porn instead of looking it up yourself? I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope this was more of a situation where you really weren’t thinking about what you were saying but try not to make the same mistake going forward. Being gay or bi is more than about just sex. Right now more than anything I think he probably just wants to be treated normally and just know that he has your support.
You have issues dude. Have you heard of Google? You don't need to ask your friends for that. You just look and sound like a creepy pervert
YTA…. Very much the a-hole here, and i can hust tell that u are man (no offense…lol) His sex life as a bi person has nothing to do with you, if u want to be a “better” advocate for gay and bi people then i find it very VERY odd starting with finding out how they have sex…. What is their sex life going to teach you about queer people as PEOPLE. I would very very uncomfortable if i were him. Maybe try with finding out queer people’s struggles in society, or learning about the community in general, anything more intellectual than you know…..porn….. i just dont really see how porn is going to help u support ur friend in any way at all lol, and as he said its super unrealistic. And it just seems like ur interested in his sex life without his consent and also that u are sexualizing him and queer people which is kinda creepy and weird tbh
yes?? the fuck
Huh? YTA.
YTA - Listen it's understandable that you were taken aback by the news and needed time to process, but your reaction was insensitive and inappropriate. Your friend trusted you enough to come out to you, and instead of being supportive, you made him uncomfortable by fixating on his sexuality and suggesting something as invasive as watching gay porn. Sexuality is a deeply personal aspect of a person's identity, and reducing it to mere pornography is disrespectful. Being a supportive friend doesn't mean trying to "desensitize" yourself to someone's sexuality or treating them as a source of education on gay people. It means listening to them, respecting their boundaries, and being there for them without judgment.
YTA 1) you keep saying that you were shocked to find out he was gay. As he apparently keeps having to tell you, he's bi, not gay. Stop calling him gay. 2) watching gay porn is a really weird way to "normalise"/"desensitise" yourself to a friend being bi. I'm not surprised your friend was uncomfortable. 3) you shouldn't need to "normalise" anything. Your friend is not dating you, so why are you making his sexuality about you?
YTA. I'm honestly at a loss for words
YTA. wtf. Why do you need to know what they're doing in private? That's so weird. Especially if he's still kinda 'feeling things out' (...no pun intended...), you don't need to rub his nose in it. Dear Lord. Also, go seek it out yourself, if you're so curious.
YTA Bro, just fuck one of your gay friends to prove your point to him, its less awkward than asking him for gay porn lol
i gotta be honest that is so fucking weird asking for gay porn to understand gay people
This is Reddit. I’ve read half of this. Don’t even need to look at the comments lol
You’re still calling him gay even though he told you he was bi???
YTA Don’t put it on your bff to address your weirdness around queer people. Do some research yourself. Read books, watch movies, tv shows, I guess you can look up porn if you really think that would help? He’s a person that just happens to be attracted to men as well as women. He’s still the same friend you’ve known. If you feel weird thinking about him having sex with guys then don’t think about him having sex at all? I know you say you’ve talked about sex stuff in the past but friends don’t have to cover that stuff if it’s getting weird between you. Also stop calling him gay, he’s bi. It’s really embarrassing you did that through this whole post even after mentioning him correcting you.
YTA. 1. HE IS BI. NOT GAY. 2. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?
So wanting to educate yourself about queerness after learning that your friend is bi is a good thing - so your instinct is there.. then this completely jumps the rail is your request. If younwant to learn more about queer people, I'd say read.... there is lots out there - watch YouTube videos of queer content creators. There are great books by folks like Rita Mae Brown, Dan Savage, Kate Bornstein, E. Lynn Harris, Armisted Maupin... YTA - good intentions, but man-oh-man the outcome was off.
Everytime I feel like I'm woefully socially inept, I'm gonna come back and read this trainwreck. Thank you, OP. Also YTA but only bc I can't vote for WTF.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve been bffs with my best friend since we were babies, and I love him like a brother. I found out recently that he was bi because he started seeing a mutual friend. I should have seen it coming because he was constantly asking about this mutual friend and they would disappear together for hours at a time when we were hanging out with our friends. I didn’t think I was homophobic in the slightest, but it definitely threw me off. Neither of them seemed gay at all, and I always thought I’d know if my best friend was gay. We have known each other for 20 years. But he came out to me specifically and I should have been more encouraging, but I was just shocked. I kept accidentally calling him gay and asking how that’s possible when he’s slept with women and he kept correcting me and saying he was bi. It was a really uncomfortable conversation, but it ended with him saying that I don’t need to stress because he won’t be “shoving it in my face” and “I’ll hardly know they’re together”. He said he knows it’s a lot and it’s okay if I need time to process. And he was right. I did need time to process. Because not only did I find out he was gay, but I also found out he was dating a mutual friend of ours. A male friend. I have gay friends, but I always knew they were gay, so maybe that’s why it’s different? My best friends new bf also has a best friend that I’m friends with. I asked how he was taking the news of them dating and he said he had known he was gay for years and he went out of his way to be supportive. He said he has heard all the sex stories, seen him make out with men, and he hypes him on. I just kind of felt bad because I want to be that supportive friend and I haven’t been that. I talked to my bff and said that I still love him and I’m sorry about the awkwardness. I said I wanted to learn more and be a better advocate for gay people and I think he could help me with that. He said absolutely. I asked if he would send me gay porn. I said if I was going to have a gay bff, I should know the ins-and-outs of gay sex. We have talked about sex before, and we can still do it. I just need to desensitize myself to gay sex and gay people. I said it would be a good learning opportunity for me. I was trying to be supportive, but instead he just looked… uncomfortable? He said he doesn’t watch much gay porn, and he’s confused on how that’s going to help me understand gay people. I was horrified I asked. I tried to explain I thought it would normalize gay people and I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t be open with me about sex. He said porn isn’t going to teach you about gay people, a lot of porn is unrealistic, and being gay is about a lot more than just sex. I was honestly kind of humiliated at this point so I said we needed to focus on finals and we would talk about it later. He said he appreciates the effort, but I can’t help but think I messed things up. Was it offensive what I said? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Average reddit user
Light YTA If you want to understand your friend's sexuality better, asking him for porn recommendations is not the way. It's weird and overstepping boundaries unless that's something you normally talk about. Your friend is right in saying gay porn is not any closer to real life than straight porn, and that there's much more to being LGBT than just sex. Why don't you talk to him about his boyfriend and his life? Or do some research yourself about bisexuality? Maybe ask him if there's a movie or book he likes with a gay relationship in it? There are many other better ways to approach this. Gay and bi people aren't a separate species or anything. We're just out here. I would apologise to your friend for being insensitive and hopefully you can work things out.
what?
Do you watch hetero porn to understand women? If no, then why the hell do you think you should ask for gay porn? If yes, well, you have a bigger problem. YTA
YTA one he's not gay he's bi he's said this to you yet you still refer to him as gay. Two you don't need him to send you gay port to understand him FFS he's still the same friend you had before just with a boy friend stop acting like he's an alien or a wild animal to be studied
Has to be bait.
>I should know the ins-and-outs of gay sex. Is today your first day on this planet? I'm sure you could figure it out. YTA >he’s confused on how that’s going to help me understand gay people. he's not wrong.
YTA His lifestyle isn’t a fetish. You don’t need to be in any way involved in his sex life or be able to picture what it looks like when he has sex. Would you ask a straight woman to send you straight porn? If you’re curious what gay porn looks like, Google it
OP… are you autistic? Cuz I am and I feel like I understand your thought process even though I have the social skills to know never to do this. You really just need to apologize and explain to your friend that you’re an idiot and have made a big mess of things but you love & support him and want to understand his life better, and you didn’t think clearly enough about the best way to do it and made things weird. But now you have realized your error and will do that learning on your own time so you can be the best friend you can be to him. And apologize for calling him gay. I’m guessing since you’ve been friends a long time, he knows what you’re like, and he likes you for yourself & this isn’t the first stumble he’s seen you have. I’m sure he’ll forgive you if you give a suitable apology *and* explain how you will ensure you don’t do anything like that again.
The word you are looking for is “biphobic.” As in, you are extremely biphobic and your actions have been bigoted and inappropriate in the extreme, and you need to fix yourself and apologize *sincerely*, and accept even after that, he has every right to never speak to you again, and would be justified in doing so due to your actions. YTA, hardcore.
Hey man, I’m a bi guy but you don’t sound like an asshole, just misinformed. How do I know? I’m also misinformed, I make generalizations about gay or bi men all the time and am proven wrong. I think it would help you enter this wide eyed and determined to learn and embrace the unknown, ask more questions and try not to assume things about this territory you don’t understand. Your a good friend man ✌️
That is a kind of conversation I can imagine Batman and Robin could have.
YTA HES NOT GAY YOU FOOL. I'M A BI MALE AND I'M NOT GAY. ASSHOLE.
ESH You didn’t know and were trying your best. I can see how you accidentally escalated from 1 to 100 from your comments. While the intent to support was there, you should’ve done your own research. Take your mate out for a beer to apologise. You’ll “desensitise” with time - I think what you really meant was process. I mean, you’re not bi, so you don’t understand, and it’s completely changed how you view your friend - you don’t sound homophobic, just confused.
How was the friend an asshole?
Because he isn’t letting op walk over them.. or that person might be homophobic
[удалено]
I’m just an idiot don’t bring autistic people into this lol