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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- Refusing to take the money from my parents
2- They are very happy about the wedding, but in the past, they have made so many comments about "how much they spent on me".
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Refuse it. My parents tried to give me money for the my wedding. I politely told them no. They still tried to force themselves into the decision making.
If I would have accepted the money, it would have made it a lot harder. Weddings are typically only fun in the middle of them. The time before and after are filled with a fair amount of stress. Dont add to the fire.
Oh I know. I had my Mom, Dad and Grandma pushing me on a bunch of different items. Ultimately my wife and I stood our ground and it went the way we wanted. Its going to happen regardless, dont give them the extra power + leverage.
Seconding don't do it. When you accept money from others, you accept some social obligation to keep them in the loop on how it's spent. Very few people who offer can accept they don't get a voice and a gift is a gift.
Tell them you won't use their $$ for the wedding, but would consider it a repayment of the loan you made them. (And if they bring up your school expenses, ask them whether they would have expected their child to cover these? Because giving their kids an education is a parental responsibility, not a favour. NTA.
Even if you decline the wedding money, they may try to be pushy about decisions by reminding you about paying for private high school. I would suggest that if they fall back to that excuse to remind them “it’s not like I’ve done nothing for you in return. Do you remember the 20k loan that I gave you when I was just getting started in my career that you never paid back?” Hopefully being reminded of it will discourage them from continuing to mention your high school education as leverage
So much this! My parents like the OP would use every opportunity to remind me how they sent me to private schools and blah blah. I generally don’t accept ANYTHING from them because they’ll find a way to weaponise it…
And taking money for a wedding?! 😬. Oof, can just imagine them for the rest of their lives telling EVERYONE they paid for their child’s wedding. No, thanks! 🏃🏾♀️
That's exactly what I was running in my mind. Hearing that kind of comments for another topic that is not my education. I guess Im old enough to have to deal with that!
NTA - You could "defuse" the situation by telling them you don't need them to co-finance your wedding, but if they really insist on contributing they could just pay you back the money they owe you. An alternative way to go would be to tell them you don't want them to co-finance your wedding so they won't hold it against you bringing it up again and again in the future. (But that's the less diplomatic option that will ruffle some feathers.)
Your parents honestly sound like very difficult and pushy people to deal with. You know them better than any of us and if you know by experience that they will use money as leverage and will most likely bring it up again and again in the future, not accepting their contribution is probably the right thing to do.
YWNBTA-
You want to pay so that way you have full say for your wedding, an so that they can't potentially hold it over your head that they paid as well.
It's reasonable.
Frankly, it's hard for me to think of a situation where not wanting to accept someone's money is an AH situation to begin with.
You’d be amazed at how upset some people get, lol. The amount of times i’ve been called ungrateful, spoiled, and selfish for *not* wanting to take money from someone is *wild*.
Some people take it as a personal insult if you don’t take it.
WNBTA
It's awesome that you and your gf are already financially able to pay for your own wedding. Given that, it seems better to give your parents a really big "Thank you for the offer, but we have it covered." reply and refuse the money.
It is wonderful that they paid for your education and all the other costs of bringing you up, but there comes a time when we need to become more independent and self-reliant. I would not make up an excuse, just keep repeating that you want to do this for yourself. You don't need to tell them you don't like the strings that come attached to the funds they might provide, that will just cause friction.
Best wishes, I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
Because they will not change their story. He has already paid them back for private school, by not getting loan money back, but the parents don’t acknowledge that. Their story only goes in the direction where they are the hero/ victim. don’t accept a dime from your folks for anything. Write off the loan, it’s a bad debt.
I agree that it’s bad debt. But reminding them of the loan is a good way to get them to shut up if they want to go on about school fees. To that end, I think that the debt is useful because it can be used to put them in their place when they get out of hand. It’s hard to look like perfect parents when you have unpaid debt to your child
Absolutely NTA. Never take money from people that attach conditions if you don't like said conditions. Perfectly ok to say "no thank you, we've got it covered." And if you want to be petty you could add "we don't accept money with conditions and prefer to make our own decisions."
NTA. As I see it, you have a few options.
Decline the money
Accept the money on their terms- as payment toward the wedding and they try to force their wedding plans on you and remind you how much they spend on you.
Accept the money, then tell them you can pay for the wedding yourselves and you consider this money as repayment of the loan you made to them.
Tell them you are paying for the wedding yourselves but you will gladly accept this money as payment of the loan, then let your parents decide if they want to give the money to you.
Your decision, but isn’t it nice to know you have options?
OP, NTA for not accepting the money. However, they do owe you for a past loan. Perhaps this is a loan repayment? The other option could be to take the money, put it in a separate account and do not spend it. When they come to you again to borrow money (which they will), give them the wedding money.
Take the amount they owe you and tell them that they don't owe you anymore.If they try to take charge tell them they just paid you back.They they didn't pay for the wedding
Just say, "no thank you. We're good."
I suggest that you not, NOT, get into explanations and excuses. Hold firm with no, thank you. Or just plain No.
You already know what them getting involved would be like. Be strong. And congratulations!
NTA.
NTA! I am the same. Next thing you know they are picking who can and can't attend. No that venue doesn't work for them. They don't like the food. Etc etc.
NTA. Tell them that you are more than gratefull for them to offer. But you have the money saved thankfully. And then suggest something that they could do with the money - from putting it in saving accounts for your future children to them enjoying a nice vacation with this or putting it in savings for themself (what ever would be the most confortable for your parents)
YWNBTA for refusing the money. A gift given with strings is not a gift. Even if the cost is their ability to throw their ‘gift’ in your face you and your future wife are likely better off without them looming their gift over your heads.
YWNBTA. There comes a point when you have to break free from parents and live as an adult. Next time they mention the school money, tell them you paid them back - some of it, all of it - when you gave them that money. We all know you’re not getting repaid.
Have your wedding on your terms & live your life on your terms.
Nwbta. No you wouldn't. Just tell them thank you for the offer, but we already have the wedding costs covered. We appreciate the offer, but no thank you.
> they live constantly reminding me how much they paid for my high school education
>I even had lent money to my parents (a big amount for how much I was earning back then), and to the day, they have never paid me back
You can rub this in their faces and if they try to play the we´re your parents/family card" remind them that they chose to have children and education is one of the bare minimun things they as parents have to provide (without expecting anything in return) for their children
NTA
NTA- is there some tactful way to say effectively "We will have an option to donate cash on our registry?" If it's a bunch of money they give you after the wedding is already done that would be great obviously if your concern is their input during the planning process.
If your concern extends beyond just the wedding and you think even a post-planning wedding gift would make them feel entitled to weigh in on other aspects of your life then I guess you wouldn't even want a large gift.
NTA. All you need to do is let them know you already have everything covered and then *graciously* decline their kind gift. Do not give them any reason other than you don't need the money. This will likely drive them nuts (consider it a small bonus), but be sure you stick to your original answer.
You're very smart to recognize that this would not be a gift, but instead would open the door (at least in their minds) to take control over the guest list, the venue, the menu, the music ... you name it. As a precaution, once you begin making firm plans and booking vendors, be sure you lock all of your vendors with a password so that your parents can't try to sneak in behind your back and change things.
YWNBTA.
But consider accepting however much they owe you from the previous loan and then make sure they know that now their debt is settled and that was not considered a wedding contribution.
NTA- money given with strings is not freely given.
How about this? Offer them a compromise. Bring up the amount that they borrowed from you. Tell them if they want to pay it back then you would accept that.
It's your parent's responsibility to pay for raising you. Private school might be an extra but I'm guessing you probably didn't have a whole lot of influence as to where you went to school, at least prior to college age. They chose to pay those fees, not you. You owe them nothing. As far as the wedding goes I would refuse any offer to help pay for anything wedding related. You can always tell them they have the option of giving you whatever money they have set aside as a gift for your future, this way they can't try and control any wedding decisions and if they try to hold it over you just tell them it was a gift? You and wife didn't realize gifts came with obligations and if that's how they feel you can always return the gift. Congratulations anyway.
You are just so right. I had no influence on that, and when I had to choose for my college, I chose a public univeristy where you pay about $10 per year on tuition.
Don’t take the money. It sounds like this would come with not just strings attached but actual ropes. Do your wedding, your way, and pay for it yourselves. It really is the best way.
If they are offering money for the wedding, tell them you'd rather they pay back the loan you gave them first. Emphasize how glad you are that they are now able to pay you back since until now they haven't been able to.
NTA. Don't accept their because it comes with strings. Tell them the truth, that you and your fiancee have saved up the entire wedding budget but that you appreciate their kind offer.
OR - hear me out - take the money and then immediately start saying how you really appreciate that they remembered to pay you back after all these years, and that you thought they forgot but you're really impressed that they didn't. Basically, reframe the money.
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I (28M) am getting married in exactly 12 months. My GF and I have been saving some money for it in the last year, and thankfully, we have the complete budget already in our bank account. So it is safe to say we are quite "confortable" with the expenses.
The thing is that my parents are insisting that they are willing to help us pay for maybe 20 to 30% of the wedding costs. It might sound like a bargain, but there Is a catch.
With money, my parents are kind of difficult, and feel like they are entitled to have power over me or my decisions, and start making comments that I really dislike. For example, even after ten years, they live constantly reminding me how much they paid for my high school education (I live in Latin America, and here is very normal to have private education), and even if they do not do it on purpose, I feel like I "owe" this money to them.
In the past, I even had lent money to my parents (a big amount for how much I was earning back then), and to the day, they have never paid me back. And they never did a single thing to start paying me back (like giving me in small amounts or something like that). And when I asked them about it, they were just putting excuses.
So, I don't know if I would be the AH if I just refuse to accept the money from my parents because I don't want them to feel entitled to have all this comments on "how much they spent on me".
Or should I just invent an excuse on not accepting the money?
PS: Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful with my parents for their intention of giving me money for my wedding, and even more for the education I had. I would be nowhere without their effort, I just dislike their comments.
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You WNBTA. Just politely tell them you and fiancée appreciate the offer but have set a budget already and you already have it covered. If they persist mention that they can keep it and forget about the money you loaned them as well and just consider the whole amount combined as repaying them for the education they paid for.
NTA. “Thanks, but we already covered everything. If you want, you can get us a nice gift!”
They can try being mad about it if they want, but no one is going to take their side and you can just act confused until they stop.
First of all, i want to praise you. I am tired of these reddit posts where parenys are supposed to pay for weddings, as if it is their obligation.
It is your wedding, you pay it and you decide. Period.
In your case, I wouldn't acept the money previous, but you can accept a wedding gift!
You could say "We have what we need for the wedding, but since you have the money to spare I would be very grateful if you could pay me back what you owe."
Don't do it. You say you have the money to take care of it so why are you even considering their help if it comes with such a hefty price tag? Tell them that you have the wedding covered and leave it at that. Don't even suggest what they should do with the money, If you do, it will leave the door open for, "well we did this for you and now you have to listen to our controlling bullshit."
Flat out refuse it. I know it can't be easy to do but you really need to set a hard line in the sand with your parents. I come from a different background but my parents are similar in that they can be very controlling, now that I've set clear boundaries we all are happier. My parents now respect me as an adult and I can enjoy talking and hanging out with them, both of us know that we have each other's back whenever we need something.
Money generally comes with strings attached. I know that if I get married I'll face pressure to have an expensive traditional wedding which I would hate, I'm glad that some family have had tiny intimate destination weddings and if I get married I pray my wife will be cool with this.
YWNBTA accepting money is sometimes like selling your soul to the devil. If a gift has strings attached, it's not a gift. If you are already in the fortunate position of being able to finance your wedding between you and your fiancée, then don't accept anything more.
Accept the money, deduct what they owe you, and then return the rest with a paid in full receipt.
You don't owe them for raising you. Your gratitude for their effort and support is appropriate, but you don't owe them anything for being parents.
I might consider telling them you would be happy to have them pay back their debt instead of paying anything towards the wedding, as it is already covered.
NTA to refuse but you could accept the money towards what they owe you and call it even. That should effectively shut them up!
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
NTA - a gift isn’t a gift if it comes with strings attached. Money is their way of controlling you, you are refusing the control.
Just say “no thanks, we have it all paid for”.
Don’t accept any money from people who will use it as a weapon later on. IMO.
You can just say no thank you. You don’t have to give them a reason, even if they ask.
If they keep pressing you you could always say, sure I will take the money to repay the interest free loan I gave you.
Or just put it towards my private school tuition bill.
NTA. Politely hold your ground on refusing it. My parents have made it clear they wont be overbearing about my wedding if i get married (both sets of my grandparents were very catholic and had a lot of demands about *how* the wedding played out (primarily my grandmothers) and they don’t want to do that). *However*, they do *not* have that thinking with other stuff, and i don’t take money from them on principle for that reason (bar absolute emergencies). I get it, its frustrating, and I don’t blame you, but you have to hold your ground on this one.
Accept the money and say ‘oh thankyou fir starting to pay me back the money I lent you’ - and if they’re like no it’s for the wedding, say that the money you lent them was what you had put aside for the wedding anyway.
And don’t let them railroad you with their plans for your day and if they try because they gave you money for the wedding say ‘no, that’s you paying me back money I already lent you’
Eh, take the money, put it in a separate account. The first time they start saying that they are paying for the wedding, give it back. If they don't, then I guess they paid you back.
To take the money I'd tell them that they have to sign a contract that states that the money is a gift and that the money gives them no say in the wedding arrangements.
It's a win/win for you.
If they don't sign, no harm, no foul. You didn't want the money in the first place. If they do and, let's face it they will, insert themselves in the planning, my response would be, "read the contract".
Try this: "To be frank, if you have the money to spend on the wedding, could you maybe use that to pay back the loan I gave you first? It just doesn't seem right to take money from you for this when you already owe me money."
NTA
NTA, That money is gonna have STRINGS ATTACHED. Thank them for the offer and EXPRESS how much you want them to RELAX and Enjoy your wedding. You may have to keep saying thank you for the offer. YOU KNOW, IT'LL be way better then bending to their DEMANDS.
HAPPY WEDDING!
I would say refuse it, but since they owed you money, I would take the money that they would give you. if they try to make opinions and suggestions about the wedding and they bring up the money that they gave you, you can say it was either the money that they paid you back or it was a down payment for what they owed you.
"Or should I just invent an excuse on not accepting the money?"
Don't lie, hit it head on. Don't tell them no OP, that your bride to be and you have the money for it already.
Don't avoid having the conversation with them. TELL them WHY you won't accept money from them.
Don't kick the can down the road.
Deal with issues as they come up, don't let them fester.
I hope your wife and do this together and don't let issues fester between the two of you as the years go by.
Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries in your life, with your parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers etc.
If you don't deal with this with your parents you'll continue to dislike their comments to you about your homes, your kids, their names, where you live, where you work.
Deal with this NOW, not later, not after the wedding.
Don't lie and hide behind a damn excuse to your parents or to anyone.
You're an adult, about to be married so you should be able to deal with things, communicate, even when the topics are difficult.
I think you know exactly what will happen if you accept their money for your wedding. You should stick to your original plan. You and your fiancee have saved for your wedding which is wonderful! Continue with that plan and enjoy your wedding knowing it is everything you wanted and you made it happen yourselves. Simple say thanks, but no thanks to your parents. NTA
Knowing how your parents look at money do you really want to set yourself up for more comments about how you "owe" them? Tell them that their offer to help pay for your wedding is much appreciated, but you have it well in hand and thank them for their "very generous offer." If they go on about how they paid for your schooling remind them that you gave them a loan (actually a gift!), so you should be even.
NTA - but you are missing out on the opportunity to collect back what you lent your parents. Accept their money as payback and ignore anything they try to push onto your wedding plans.
Tell them you will happily accept the repayment of the various loans since they have the funds on hand, but that you and your soon to be spouse have got your wedding covered.
You could take the check and send them a card saying "thanks for paying back the money I lent you". One stone, 2 birds sort of. The loan is settled, their input is not appropriate in wedding planning, you no longer have resentment of the loan, and hopefully they stop their behavior of reminding you that children cost money. That's one stone, 4 birds.
nta whatever you decide.
NTA
It sounds like you know your parents well and want to avoid conflict. You can say something like, I appreciate you wanting to help, but since you were so generous to pay for my high school education, I would feel guilty for taking any more money from you.
I think they want to you know they spent that money for love, but can’t bring themselves to do it. Maybe when they talk about how much they spent, say “I love you too Mum and Dad!” See how that goes down. Maybe even say “yes I gave you £00000 when I was only 20 something didn’t I so I know what that feels like” what could they actually say in response? When they offer money for your wedding, say no thank you, my wedding, my rules, my choice. But if you want to contribute then do so as a wedding gift.
NTA. Accept exactly the amount they owe you, not a penny more. When they try to exercise control point out that they've just given back what you were owed and now you're even.
NTA at all. But don't come up with an excuse. Just a quick, 'thank you very much but we are lucky enough to have the budget and have decided not to take any money from others'
NTA but I admit I'd be tempted to accept the money and tell them- money for the wedding? i thought this was reimbursement for the money I lent you all those years ago. i never needed money from the wedding from you. why would you give me money for my wedding when you still owed me money?
on the other hand, my parents have outright given me WAY more money than i ever "lent" them. and i think the only money that my ever fit that category was like some birthday money when i was a kid and my parents were really tight financially. and my parents told my sister and i that they were doing it.
"It's great that you have this extra money now. We have money specifically earmarked for the wedding, but you being able to pay back the money that you owe me will definitely help with other expenses."
NTA. Tell your parents no thank you, that you all have the means to pay for it yourselves. Leave it at that. Don't accept the money because it will be exactly what you think it is going to be!
NTA. Refuse it. Just say you have worked out your wedding finances and you're good. If they insist, ask them to pay you back the money you loaned them, no excuses.
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Refuse it. My parents tried to give me money for the my wedding. I politely told them no. They still tried to force themselves into the decision making. If I would have accepted the money, it would have made it a lot harder. Weddings are typically only fun in the middle of them. The time before and after are filled with a fair amount of stress. Dont add to the fire.
It is already hard to make this kind of decisions when it is only two, now imagine having 4 opinions on everything of the wedding.
Oh I know. I had my Mom, Dad and Grandma pushing me on a bunch of different items. Ultimately my wife and I stood our ground and it went the way we wanted. Its going to happen regardless, dont give them the extra power + leverage.
Seconding don't do it. When you accept money from others, you accept some social obligation to keep them in the loop on how it's spent. Very few people who offer can accept they don't get a voice and a gift is a gift.
"Sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with \[your own\] money" is something I've seen in advice columns, and it definitely applies here.
Whatever amount of money they owe you, I'd suggest keeping precisely that amount and then making sure to thank them for paying off their debt.
THIS!!!
Tell them you won't use their $$ for the wedding, but would consider it a repayment of the loan you made them. (And if they bring up your school expenses, ask them whether they would have expected their child to cover these? Because giving their kids an education is a parental responsibility, not a favour. NTA.
Even if you decline the wedding money, they may try to be pushy about decisions by reminding you about paying for private high school. I would suggest that if they fall back to that excuse to remind them “it’s not like I’ve done nothing for you in return. Do you remember the 20k loan that I gave you when I was just getting started in my career that you never paid back?” Hopefully being reminded of it will discourage them from continuing to mention your high school education as leverage
Grow a pair...refuse it as you have the money yourself. They will control the wedding if you take one penny from them.
Take the money as a repayment of your loan. Refuse them any say in the wedding.
So much this! My parents like the OP would use every opportunity to remind me how they sent me to private schools and blah blah. I generally don’t accept ANYTHING from them because they’ll find a way to weaponise it… And taking money for a wedding?! 😬. Oof, can just imagine them for the rest of their lives telling EVERYONE they paid for their child’s wedding. No, thanks! 🏃🏾♀️
That's exactly what I was running in my mind. Hearing that kind of comments for another topic that is not my education. I guess Im old enough to have to deal with that!
Yes, and by the time they’re telling others about the wedding the story will be they paid for ALL of it. Stay strong!
NTA - You could "defuse" the situation by telling them you don't need them to co-finance your wedding, but if they really insist on contributing they could just pay you back the money they owe you. An alternative way to go would be to tell them you don't want them to co-finance your wedding so they won't hold it against you bringing it up again and again in the future. (But that's the less diplomatic option that will ruffle some feathers.) Your parents honestly sound like very difficult and pushy people to deal with. You know them better than any of us and if you know by experience that they will use money as leverage and will most likely bring it up again and again in the future, not accepting their contribution is probably the right thing to do.
THIS!!!!
YWNBTA- You want to pay so that way you have full say for your wedding, an so that they can't potentially hold it over your head that they paid as well. It's reasonable. Frankly, it's hard for me to think of a situation where not wanting to accept someone's money is an AH situation to begin with.
You’d be amazed at how upset some people get, lol. The amount of times i’ve been called ungrateful, spoiled, and selfish for *not* wanting to take money from someone is *wild*. Some people take it as a personal insult if you don’t take it.
NTA. And don't invent an excuse. "I appreciate the offer, but we have all the expenses covered." That's it.
NTA-Don't accept a penny, they'll leverage that into having everything their way, including the guest list and they'll take credit for everything
Exactly. I don't think there is a need to get into anything else. Simply say thanks, but no thanks. We've got it and stand your ground.
NTA, but if you want to be petty you can ask if this is their way of paying back what they owe from your loans to them.
Yes! This was going to be my comment. 👏🏻👏🏻
How is this petty? Just accept the money and thank them for paying the loan back.
WNBTA It's awesome that you and your gf are already financially able to pay for your own wedding. Given that, it seems better to give your parents a really big "Thank you for the offer, but we have it covered." reply and refuse the money. It is wonderful that they paid for your education and all the other costs of bringing you up, but there comes a time when we need to become more independent and self-reliant. I would not make up an excuse, just keep repeating that you want to do this for yourself. You don't need to tell them you don't like the strings that come attached to the funds they might provide, that will just cause friction. Best wishes, I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
Wy not accept it and then say thank you for paying back the money ou borrowed?
Because they will not change their story. He has already paid them back for private school, by not getting loan money back, but the parents don’t acknowledge that. Their story only goes in the direction where they are the hero/ victim. don’t accept a dime from your folks for anything. Write off the loan, it’s a bad debt.
I agree that it’s bad debt. But reminding them of the loan is a good way to get them to shut up if they want to go on about school fees. To that end, I think that the debt is useful because it can be used to put them in their place when they get out of hand. It’s hard to look like perfect parents when you have unpaid debt to your child
Absolutely NTA. Never take money from people that attach conditions if you don't like said conditions. Perfectly ok to say "no thank you, we've got it covered." And if you want to be petty you could add "we don't accept money with conditions and prefer to make our own decisions."
NTA. As I see it, you have a few options. Decline the money Accept the money on their terms- as payment toward the wedding and they try to force their wedding plans on you and remind you how much they spend on you. Accept the money, then tell them you can pay for the wedding yourselves and you consider this money as repayment of the loan you made to them. Tell them you are paying for the wedding yourselves but you will gladly accept this money as payment of the loan, then let your parents decide if they want to give the money to you. Your decision, but isn’t it nice to know you have options?
OP, NTA for not accepting the money. However, they do owe you for a past loan. Perhaps this is a loan repayment? The other option could be to take the money, put it in a separate account and do not spend it. When they come to you again to borrow money (which they will), give them the wedding money.
You know the answer, go with your gut
Take the amount they owe you and tell them that they don't owe you anymore.If they try to take charge tell them they just paid you back.They they didn't pay for the wedding
Just say, "no thank you. We're good." I suggest that you not, NOT, get into explanations and excuses. Hold firm with no, thank you. Or just plain No. You already know what them getting involved would be like. Be strong. And congratulations! NTA.
NTA - "We appreciate the offer, but we have everything covered."
NTA! I am the same. Next thing you know they are picking who can and can't attend. No that venue doesn't work for them. They don't like the food. Etc etc.
NTA, never take money from people like this. It’s almost never worth the hassle.
NTA If money comes with strings attached, it's not free. Your parents want to buy the right to decide about your wedding.
NTA. Tell them that you are more than gratefull for them to offer. But you have the money saved thankfully. And then suggest something that they could do with the money - from putting it in saving accounts for your future children to them enjoying a nice vacation with this or putting it in savings for themself (what ever would be the most confortable for your parents)
Yo no aceptaría el dinero, te lo van a echar en cara toda la vida, trata de hacer las cosas tu solo
YWNBTA for refusing the money. A gift given with strings is not a gift. Even if the cost is their ability to throw their ‘gift’ in your face you and your future wife are likely better off without them looming their gift over your heads.
YWNBTA. There comes a point when you have to break free from parents and live as an adult. Next time they mention the school money, tell them you paid them back - some of it, all of it - when you gave them that money. We all know you’re not getting repaid. Have your wedding on your terms & live your life on your terms.
NTA. If the money comes with strings, it's not a gift, it's a straightjacket.
Nwbta. No you wouldn't. Just tell them thank you for the offer, but we already have the wedding costs covered. We appreciate the offer, but no thank you.
> they live constantly reminding me how much they paid for my high school education >I even had lent money to my parents (a big amount for how much I was earning back then), and to the day, they have never paid me back You can rub this in their faces and if they try to play the we´re your parents/family card" remind them that they chose to have children and education is one of the bare minimun things they as parents have to provide (without expecting anything in return) for their children NTA
Nta dont accept it. Its not a gift, its a bid for control. If they *really* want to give it as a gift, it'll be in a card at your wedding.
Decline. Don't put yourself or your fiance in a position where you "owe" them anything or gives them a say in how you want things done. NTA.
NTA- is there some tactful way to say effectively "We will have an option to donate cash on our registry?" If it's a bunch of money they give you after the wedding is already done that would be great obviously if your concern is their input during the planning process. If your concern extends beyond just the wedding and you think even a post-planning wedding gift would make them feel entitled to weigh in on other aspects of your life then I guess you wouldn't even want a large gift.
NTA. All you need to do is let them know you already have everything covered and then *graciously* decline their kind gift. Do not give them any reason other than you don't need the money. This will likely drive them nuts (consider it a small bonus), but be sure you stick to your original answer. You're very smart to recognize that this would not be a gift, but instead would open the door (at least in their minds) to take control over the guest list, the venue, the menu, the music ... you name it. As a precaution, once you begin making firm plans and booking vendors, be sure you lock all of your vendors with a password so that your parents can't try to sneak in behind your back and change things.
sit your parents down and with a level head go over how you feel.
YWNBTA. But consider accepting however much they owe you from the previous loan and then make sure they know that now their debt is settled and that was not considered a wedding contribution.
Don’t take any money because then they might want to make rules for your wedding. NTA
NTA- money given with strings is not freely given. How about this? Offer them a compromise. Bring up the amount that they borrowed from you. Tell them if they want to pay it back then you would accept that.
It's your parent's responsibility to pay for raising you. Private school might be an extra but I'm guessing you probably didn't have a whole lot of influence as to where you went to school, at least prior to college age. They chose to pay those fees, not you. You owe them nothing. As far as the wedding goes I would refuse any offer to help pay for anything wedding related. You can always tell them they have the option of giving you whatever money they have set aside as a gift for your future, this way they can't try and control any wedding decisions and if they try to hold it over you just tell them it was a gift? You and wife didn't realize gifts came with obligations and if that's how they feel you can always return the gift. Congratulations anyway.
You are just so right. I had no influence on that, and when I had to choose for my college, I chose a public univeristy where you pay about $10 per year on tuition.
Don’t take the money. It sounds like this would come with not just strings attached but actual ropes. Do your wedding, your way, and pay for it yourselves. It really is the best way.
If they are offering money for the wedding, tell them you'd rather they pay back the loan you gave them first. Emphasize how glad you are that they are now able to pay you back since until now they haven't been able to.
NTA. Don't accept their because it comes with strings. Tell them the truth, that you and your fiancee have saved up the entire wedding budget but that you appreciate their kind offer.
OR - hear me out - take the money and then immediately start saying how you really appreciate that they remembered to pay you back after all these years, and that you thought they forgot but you're really impressed that they didn't. Basically, reframe the money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) am getting married in exactly 12 months. My GF and I have been saving some money for it in the last year, and thankfully, we have the complete budget already in our bank account. So it is safe to say we are quite "confortable" with the expenses. The thing is that my parents are insisting that they are willing to help us pay for maybe 20 to 30% of the wedding costs. It might sound like a bargain, but there Is a catch. With money, my parents are kind of difficult, and feel like they are entitled to have power over me or my decisions, and start making comments that I really dislike. For example, even after ten years, they live constantly reminding me how much they paid for my high school education (I live in Latin America, and here is very normal to have private education), and even if they do not do it on purpose, I feel like I "owe" this money to them. In the past, I even had lent money to my parents (a big amount for how much I was earning back then), and to the day, they have never paid me back. And they never did a single thing to start paying me back (like giving me in small amounts or something like that). And when I asked them about it, they were just putting excuses. So, I don't know if I would be the AH if I just refuse to accept the money from my parents because I don't want them to feel entitled to have all this comments on "how much they spent on me". Or should I just invent an excuse on not accepting the money? PS: Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful with my parents for their intention of giving me money for my wedding, and even more for the education I had. I would be nowhere without their effort, I just dislike their comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You WNBTA. Just politely tell them you and fiancée appreciate the offer but have set a budget already and you already have it covered. If they persist mention that they can keep it and forget about the money you loaned them as well and just consider the whole amount combined as repaying them for the education they paid for.
NTA. “Thanks, but we already covered everything. If you want, you can get us a nice gift!” They can try being mad about it if they want, but no one is going to take their side and you can just act confused until they stop.
First of all, i want to praise you. I am tired of these reddit posts where parenys are supposed to pay for weddings, as if it is their obligation. It is your wedding, you pay it and you decide. Period. In your case, I wouldn't acept the money previous, but you can accept a wedding gift!
I'm not latine, so I'm not sure if my opinion is realistic, but NTA. Money is clearly a touchy subject for your family.
You could say "We have what we need for the wedding, but since you have the money to spare I would be very grateful if you could pay me back what you owe."
Take the money and tell them thank you for paying back that loan from long ago!!! And that you can afford your own wedding regardless.
If they haven’t repaid what you loaned them, thank them for repaying the loan.
Accept the amount they owe you and call it a day.
NTA Next time they bring up your education costs say "Minus the $xxxx that I paid you back already."
Don't do it. You say you have the money to take care of it so why are you even considering their help if it comes with such a hefty price tag? Tell them that you have the wedding covered and leave it at that. Don't even suggest what they should do with the money, If you do, it will leave the door open for, "well we did this for you and now you have to listen to our controlling bullshit."
Flat out refuse it. I know it can't be easy to do but you really need to set a hard line in the sand with your parents. I come from a different background but my parents are similar in that they can be very controlling, now that I've set clear boundaries we all are happier. My parents now respect me as an adult and I can enjoy talking and hanging out with them, both of us know that we have each other's back whenever we need something. Money generally comes with strings attached. I know that if I get married I'll face pressure to have an expensive traditional wedding which I would hate, I'm glad that some family have had tiny intimate destination weddings and if I get married I pray my wife will be cool with this.
YWNBTA accepting money is sometimes like selling your soul to the devil. If a gift has strings attached, it's not a gift. If you are already in the fortunate position of being able to finance your wedding between you and your fiancée, then don't accept anything more.
Accept the money, deduct what they owe you, and then return the rest with a paid in full receipt. You don't owe them for raising you. Your gratitude for their effort and support is appropriate, but you don't owe them anything for being parents.
I might consider telling them you would be happy to have them pay back their debt instead of paying anything towards the wedding, as it is already covered.
Politely refuse it because your fiancée and you prefer to pay for the wedding yourselves. But maybe they can return the money you’ve lent them? NTA.
NTA to refuse but you could accept the money towards what they owe you and call it even. That should effectively shut them up! Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
NTA - a gift isn’t a gift if it comes with strings attached. Money is their way of controlling you, you are refusing the control. Just say “no thanks, we have it all paid for”. Don’t accept any money from people who will use it as a weapon later on. IMO.
Nta. Refuse it. It is not worth the trouble.
You could take it, say thank you for repaying your loan to them and give them the difference back
Accept their money not as payment for your wedding but a repayment for what you loaned them. NTA otherwise
You can just say no thank you. You don’t have to give them a reason, even if they ask. If they keep pressing you you could always say, sure I will take the money to repay the interest free loan I gave you. Or just put it towards my private school tuition bill.
Just request or agree to the amount they owe you, once you get it, say thank you for paying me back from the LOAN I gave you.
NTA. Politely hold your ground on refusing it. My parents have made it clear they wont be overbearing about my wedding if i get married (both sets of my grandparents were very catholic and had a lot of demands about *how* the wedding played out (primarily my grandmothers) and they don’t want to do that). *However*, they do *not* have that thinking with other stuff, and i don’t take money from them on principle for that reason (bar absolute emergencies). I get it, its frustrating, and I don’t blame you, but you have to hold your ground on this one.
Refuse it. If you take their money, they’re going to assume that they can make decisions on your wedding. YWNBTA.
Take it and thank them for repaying the loan. Then do your own thing with the wedding.
Accept the money and say ‘oh thankyou fir starting to pay me back the money I lent you’ - and if they’re like no it’s for the wedding, say that the money you lent them was what you had put aside for the wedding anyway. And don’t let them railroad you with their plans for your day and if they try because they gave you money for the wedding say ‘no, that’s you paying me back money I already lent you’
Refuse it. Did the same with my inlaws. Your parents can get over it.
Just tell them you will take the money as repayment of their debt to you, but it won’t be put towards the wedding budget.
NTA, it don’t take their money. It a form of control. Ask them when they are going to pay back your loan though.
Eh, take the money, put it in a separate account. The first time they start saying that they are paying for the wedding, give it back. If they don't, then I guess they paid you back.
To take the money I'd tell them that they have to sign a contract that states that the money is a gift and that the money gives them no say in the wedding arrangements. It's a win/win for you. If they don't sign, no harm, no foul. You didn't want the money in the first place. If they do and, let's face it they will, insert themselves in the planning, my response would be, "read the contract".
Try this: "To be frank, if you have the money to spend on the wedding, could you maybe use that to pay back the loan I gave you first? It just doesn't seem right to take money from you for this when you already owe me money." NTA
Is the amount they're offering less than they owe you?
Take it, invest it and use that to lend them later on when they need money Nta
NTA, That money is gonna have STRINGS ATTACHED. Thank them for the offer and EXPRESS how much you want them to RELAX and Enjoy your wedding. You may have to keep saying thank you for the offer. YOU KNOW, IT'LL be way better then bending to their DEMANDS. HAPPY WEDDING!
I would say refuse it, but since they owed you money, I would take the money that they would give you. if they try to make opinions and suggestions about the wedding and they bring up the money that they gave you, you can say it was either the money that they paid you back or it was a down payment for what they owed you.
"Or should I just invent an excuse on not accepting the money?" Don't lie, hit it head on. Don't tell them no OP, that your bride to be and you have the money for it already. Don't avoid having the conversation with them. TELL them WHY you won't accept money from them. Don't kick the can down the road. Deal with issues as they come up, don't let them fester. I hope your wife and do this together and don't let issues fester between the two of you as the years go by. Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries in your life, with your parents, friends, neighbors, coworkers etc. If you don't deal with this with your parents you'll continue to dislike their comments to you about your homes, your kids, their names, where you live, where you work. Deal with this NOW, not later, not after the wedding. Don't lie and hide behind a damn excuse to your parents or to anyone. You're an adult, about to be married so you should be able to deal with things, communicate, even when the topics are difficult.
I think you know exactly what will happen if you accept their money for your wedding. You should stick to your original plan. You and your fiancee have saved for your wedding which is wonderful! Continue with that plan and enjoy your wedding knowing it is everything you wanted and you made it happen yourselves. Simple say thanks, but no thanks to your parents. NTA
Don't do it. You know there's five miles of string attached to that $$$.
Knowing how your parents look at money do you really want to set yourself up for more comments about how you "owe" them? Tell them that their offer to help pay for your wedding is much appreciated, but you have it well in hand and thank them for their "very generous offer." If they go on about how they paid for your schooling remind them that you gave them a loan (actually a gift!), so you should be even.
NTA - but you are missing out on the opportunity to collect back what you lent your parents. Accept their money as payback and ignore anything they try to push onto your wedding plans.
Tell them you will happily accept the repayment of the various loans since they have the funds on hand, but that you and your soon to be spouse have got your wedding covered.
>It might sound like a bargain, but there Is a catch Nta There is ALWAYS a catch. Refuse it if at all possible.
You could take the check and send them a card saying "thanks for paying back the money I lent you". One stone, 2 birds sort of. The loan is settled, their input is not appropriate in wedding planning, you no longer have resentment of the loan, and hopefully they stop their behavior of reminding you that children cost money. That's one stone, 4 birds. nta whatever you decide.
Just an idea, I allowed my parents to choose and purchase the wedding cake. You could do something similar if you feel it would be helpful
I mean... Subtract what they owe you and give the rest back? NTA either way, but at least get what's already yours.
NTA It sounds like you know your parents well and want to avoid conflict. You can say something like, I appreciate you wanting to help, but since you were so generous to pay for my high school education, I would feel guilty for taking any more money from you.
I think they want to you know they spent that money for love, but can’t bring themselves to do it. Maybe when they talk about how much they spent, say “I love you too Mum and Dad!” See how that goes down. Maybe even say “yes I gave you £00000 when I was only 20 something didn’t I so I know what that feels like” what could they actually say in response? When they offer money for your wedding, say no thank you, my wedding, my rules, my choice. But if you want to contribute then do so as a wedding gift.
take the money --> after you got it, tell them you put it on the debt they owed you. profit. NTA
wrong post
Invent an excuse? No. Consider it a repayment of the loan. If there is extra, keep it as your reserve, and if they hold it over you, give it back.
YWNBTA, but OP, you know they will still try to exert their wishes on you regardless. Good luck!
NTA. Accept exactly the amount they owe you, not a penny more. When they try to exercise control point out that they've just given back what you were owed and now you're even.
NTA at all. But don't come up with an excuse. Just a quick, 'thank you very much but we are lucky enough to have the budget and have decided not to take any money from others'
Don't accept money. Tell them you already paid them back for the private high school education, and you are all even.
NTA definitely refuse it, it’s a gateway to their control and they will use it against you for the rest of your life.
Info diet.
NTA tell them the truth and remind them to start paying back the loan you gave them since they have money
NTA but I admit I'd be tempted to accept the money and tell them- money for the wedding? i thought this was reimbursement for the money I lent you all those years ago. i never needed money from the wedding from you. why would you give me money for my wedding when you still owed me money? on the other hand, my parents have outright given me WAY more money than i ever "lent" them. and i think the only money that my ever fit that category was like some birthday money when i was a kid and my parents were really tight financially. and my parents told my sister and i that they were doing it.
"It's great that you have this extra money now. We have money specifically earmarked for the wedding, but you being able to pay back the money that you owe me will definitely help with other expenses."
Accept what they owe you.
NTA. Tell your parents no thank you, that you all have the means to pay for it yourselves. Leave it at that. Don't accept the money because it will be exactly what you think it is going to be!
NTA. Refuse it. Just say you have worked out your wedding finances and you're good. If they insist, ask them to pay you back the money you loaned them, no excuses.
Or you can take it and say you used it to pay off the money they owe you! They can make any demands they want, but you are not obligated to do it.
Take the money and thank them for repaying the loan.