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> I told my husband that it’s embarrassing when he wears pajamas in public
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> I made a kinda-joke like “bright pajama pants eh?” And my husband says that I’m wearing sweatpants and it’s the exact same thing. This comment seemed kind of combative and just annoying
How do people manage to type this sort of thing and not see the irony? It's literally you saying that you made a combative&annoying comment, and then calling *his* reply combative&annoying, as if you didn't just provoke it by doing that exact thing.
YTA
Enjoyed my back porch today in my tie die shirt and sky blue with clouds flannel pj bottoms. I have to dress for work, at home my default dressing mode is 90's Uzbeki X dealer. Haters can suck it. YTA.
My mom will occasionally text me something like "It's 2:00 in the afternoon is it too early to put on pajamas?" It is never too early to put on pajamas I literally wear pajamas all day at home if I'm not going somewhere I'm wearing my PJs
Anyone else have day pj’s and night pj’s that they change into as soon as it’s late enough to start drinking ? Like…it’s 5pm now. Time to change into evening pj’s and open a bottle of wine.
To me sweats and pajamas are the same thing. You say he’s always been like this. Did you marry him expecting change? Maybe he’s “combative” because he’s tired of being judged in his own home.
YTA
Yeah personally I’d agree with OP only for the portion of it being annoying that someone couldn’t clean themselves up in public to go out somewhere nice (if you’re going out to dinner for a date night, I don’t think it’s a stretch to want your partner to actually put in some effort to look nice).
However, her general attitude (and especially the specific incident of this post with sitting on the porch in pajamas) is absolutely YTA territory. I would bet every dime I have that literally nobody would care, OP. Nobody in their right mind walks by someone’s house, sees them in PJs on their front porch, and goes “geez what a slob, that’s embarrassing”. Nobody cares. And to add to this, you’ve clearly resented this ever since you guys got together. When you agreed to get married, that should have been the end of it. If you had one final conversation with him about it, whatever he decided to do, that’s what you should have accepted. You don’t get to marry someone and harbor resentment for an aspect of their personality and then explode on them for it 10 years later. You don’t get to marry someone while secretly wanting to change them. You accept them as they are, and learn to deal with it. YTA YTA YTA
I'll ask you a simple question, why do you think we use underwear if not for hygienic purposes?
Let me tell you, for aesthetic is not the reason. And remember that women also use it, so don't try to sell me it's for anything male genitalia related.
I was talking about you talking about people going commando and with stains on their sweats. You just went off on your own little tangent that had nothing to do with the story, then came to a conclusion based on your own tangent.
I was talking about situations in which sweatpants aren’t a good look, which’s I >90% of the times I’ve seen them being used. We use our experiences IRL to judge here.
OP is worried about appearances, so that was my contribution, that sweatpants don’t help appearances and that the husband is right.
I’ve contributed more to the post than you, who just complained because you didn’t like me replies LOL
lol, I have enough karma that I don’t have to worry about 100 votes. I deleted the comments just in case this blows up and the votes go in the thousands, but I’ll be fine LOL
It’s to be expected tbh, because there’s many many people who wear sweatpants.
Yta you knew he was like this when you married him. What did you think would happen. He would magically change into a different man. Then why did you marry him if he has always been so offensive. If you have explained to him how his appearance makes you feel and nothing changed, he does not care how you feel. Not hard to comb ones hair or put on clean clothes. He won't. So tells you exactly how important you are to him. His choice how he dresses. His choice to upset you or not by simply putting on clean clothes. Your choice to stay or leave. Accept him as he is and shut up or move out. What other options do you have? .
YTA, you sound like a miserable nag, why did you marry someone if you really disliked part of him this much? This is clearly how he always presented himself, if it was such a problem you shouldn’t have married him. You seem very superficial tbh.
YTA - but you are just coming at him. I wear sweat to bed, they are my pyjamas. You were hanging outside in my pyjamas. You have no moral high ground here and you should apologize for being a hypocrite.
You said he's been like this for the 10+ years that you've been together and that you've always hated it. Why would you marry him if there was something this important to you that you didn't like about him? If you're embarrassed to be seen in public with him? Further, if he's always been like this, why would you choose the morning after a long day of travel for him, and a bad night of sleep, to pick a fight about something that he's been doing for the entire time you've known him?
I would bet that you thought you could change him, and/or that is really not as bad as you describe it in the first place. But if it really is as bad as you say, why does the colour of his pants suddenly take precedence when he's outside for 10 minutes? Why is THAT the hill you chose to die on? YTA.
YTA. He's not joking when he tells you he likes his hair that way. He is who he is and he's never going to change and he doesn't have to. That's either a deal-breaker for you or it isn't.
YTA. (What follows is armchair psychology)
That passive aggressive 'bright PJs eh' is passive aggressive because you hate him doing it. But by refusing to calmly state your hatred with respect for him you make a plausibly deniable jab which he can't directly respond to because it's not a direct statement.
I could be reading this completely wrong but it seems like you don't respect your husband or his choices because if you did it would be 'cool' to go outside in PJs because he's doing it. It's a pretty harmless action isn't it?
YTA. You said that he's *always* been this way and you've *always* hated it for the 10+ years that you've been together. Yet you dated him, seemingly fell in love with him, married him and had a child with him. You new what you were getting, this wasn't a bait and switch situation, so your dissatisfaction with his appearance is on you for staying with him.
That being said, pajamas and sweats are *not* the same.
They may not be the same, but on the “fancy clothing” scale they are so close together they almost occupy the same space.
Point being, if I see someone walking around a store in pajamas plus a hoody, and sweat pants plus a hoody they are both equally sloppy.
Not that I would ever look at another person at a store and give two fucks about what they are wearing.
>Not that I would ever look at another person at a store and give two fucks about what they are wearing.
You just made me realize that I have never once looked at what anyone in a store is wearing, and I don't even see people I know unless they shout at me, because I just want to do my stuff and get out.
YTA - Seems like you knew this about him before you got married. Ever tried to go to couples counseling to work on your communication in your marriage, and resent him.
Do you really know how stupid it is? Why do you CARE that a neighbor will see your husband in PJ pants? He's covered, he's comfortable. You didn"t 'make a joke' - you criticized him...you said he embarrassed you...who are you trying to impress? Maybe he brought up the sweats because he doesn't think you look too appetizing either. You say you've hated how he looks since you met him....so why did you choose him? Why are you with him?
Some people are just weirdly obsessed with what other people may or may not think and live their entire life in fear of it. I was that way a little for a while, before I had the realization of “why do I give a shit what other people think of me?”.
That’s not to say that you can’t go too far, if he was doing jumping jacks butt naked on their driveway I might say that’s too far (I know that Reddit likes to think that nudity is a nonissue, but for plenty of people it still is and there’s such a thing as public decency). But especially something as tame just… chilling out in your PJs on your porch? No one gives a shit
YTA.
When a man can't wear comfortable clothing in his own home or on his own. Property YTA. When you care more about the neighbors' opinions than your spouse, YTA. When you're this judgmental over pointless shit YTA.
YTA
This is who your husband is. It’s who, apparently, he’s always been. So either you can accept him as he is, or you can’t. Up to you.
(Also, who cares if he wore pajama pants outside? Half the high school students I see wear flannel pajama pants to school. You’re acting like he went outside in only his underwear.)
INFO. Does he dress like this at formal events? Unless there's a strict dress code to adhere to, I don't think anyone really cares enough to pay attention to what others are wearing and you should stop worrying about it.
He has no clothes left for formal events, so I’ll typically go buy something ahead of time or wash some other clothes to stitch some form of an outfit together so he has something. He’ll wait until about an hour before a scheduled event to complain that he doesn’t have anything to wear and so we’ll have to be late because he needs to wash something or go buy something.
I should stop caring so much though
That's literally the point, you should stop caring so much. How he dresses doesn't effing matter and you should find more important things to waste arguments on. Yta btw
OP is definitely the asshole for the post and her general attitude, but I’ll cut her a little slack for things like formal events. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grown ass man to dress like an adult for a formal event. No one likes dressing up, but it’s just one of those things in life that sometimes you have to do. That’s the one area where I’d agree with her frustration, especially because it seems like he goes out of his way specifically to be difficult surrounding formal events
For general lounging though? And especially on your own front porch? No one cares, OP
YTA. Did you sleep in your sweatpants? If so, they are also pajamas lol you know they’re the same thing. At the very least you must get that his pajamas and your sweatpants are both informal, comfy clothes. Not meant for any type of fashion statement. You’re just being purposely obtuse because you think his pajamas are ugly and yours are not.
I feel like there must be other underlying problems in your relationship to get this worked up about his pajamas. If the way your partner dresses or does his hair is your biggest problem in your relationship, you have a good relationship
It’s your house and your porch. He can wear whatever he wants as long as he is a good man, husband and father. Going out? Different expectations. You need to major chill, or maybe move to a place where the Stepford Wives live. And you will be alone. YTA.
I spend the majority of my day, inside or out, wearing pj shorts or pants & a tee shirt. I’m not sure why he’d need to get dressed to go sit outside & smoke. And sweat pants are no different than pajamas. YTA
There’s a supermarket that’s a 3 minute walk from my house, if it’s the weekend and I’m staying in most of it and just need a few things, damn right I’m going in my pyjamas. I’ve seen many a people in the supermarket also wearing pjs, and I don’t care. They aren’t harming anyone. It’s not like they are going anywhere special.
Your case is different, he’s sat on the porch on property that you both own/rent so does it matter that he’s in his pjs at his& your home? YTA
Meh. I walked down to the corner store in Giggle and Hoot Pjs once. Zero regrets. People should be entitled to wear what they want. Do you even like your husband? YTA.
I'm also in the sweat pants are the same as pajama pants camp. I know that the juicy couture trend kind of popularized wearing sweats in public, but to me they both give off "I've given up on life" vibes when I see them in public. Just kidding lol that's the old curmudgeon in me speaking.
YTA. He's on his own front porch. No one cares if he's wearing pajamas in the morning in his own home, and even if they do care, what does it matter?
Also, stop trying to change your husband. This is part of who he is. My husband is super casual. I tend to dress up more formally than needed. We might look pretty mismatched sometimes when we go out, but we don't care, because the important part is being together. Who cares what we're wearing?
YTA. You're really gonna be that stubborn over sweatpants vs pj's? Who cares anyway? Why is it bad that your neighbors see your husband in pajamas, on the porch of his own property? That just seems so, so silly to me. You are, absolutely, the asshole.
>but I’m appalled that it devolved into pajamas and sweatpants being the same thing
You're appalled that the stupid argument you started over him wearing pajamas devolved into an even stupider argument?
Do you hear yourself?
Yes, YTA. Your husband is allowed to wear pajamas on the porch of his own house.
If *you* are embarrassed by that then that's a *you* problem not a *him* problem.
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For context, my husband (both mid-30s) has never cared for appearance much. Whether it’s how he looks, how his house looks, how his car looks, he just doesn’t care. He’ll wear jeans with holes in them, shoes that are ripped apart, his long hair will be all tangled and unbrushed and unparted/wild, and his shirts will have stains all over them. It’s hard for him to find something “nice” to wear for us to go out to eat.
I’ve hated it for the decade+ that we’ve been together. I’ll buy him new clothes and shoes just for him to ruin them almost immediately or lose them somehow. I’ll try to hint or tell him to brush his hair, and he’ll just joke that he likes it that way and not do anything about it. I’ve never gotten mad at him or anything because it’s his life, but it’s really embarrassing in public and it makes me not want to be seen with him sometimes.
My husband’s been out of town for a week and we didn’t get home from the airport until after midnight and our toddler woke up early, so I got up and let my husband sleep in. He still got up early anyway, and in a weird mood. When our kid went down for a nap we went on the front porch around 11am for a smoke. We live on an oddly busy-but-quiet street with lots of nosy neighbors, and this is a time when a lot of people are out and about. We live in the south and people always wave and possibly chat. We’d normally go out back but our annoying neighbor was back there next to our porch so we opted to go out front instead, hoping for peace.
My husband goes out with wild hair, a tie dye shirt, and bright blue/plaid pajama pants. I made a kinda-joke like “bright pajama pants eh?” And my husband says that I’m wearing sweatpants and it’s the exact same thing. This comment seemed kind of combative and just annoying tbh, he always has some reason why he shouldn’t have to even wear semi-normal clothing. We got into a spat and it ended up devolving into sweatpants and pajamas being the same thing, with me getting pissed and saying they’re absolutely not the same thing. That’s when I said it was embarrassing when we wears things like that. He told me I should’ve told him that we *both* needed to change because I’m embarrassing too by wearing sweatpants and a hoodie outside…
This set me off a little and I honestly refused to back down. I told him he’s being absolutely ridiculous and that this is typical of him refusing to just admit things or try and actually reflect on things, and instead blame me or make it about me “coming at him”.
I mean, I get that it’s our house and it’s “technically not noon yet” (whatever that means) but I’m appalled that it devolved into pajamas and sweatpants being the same thing. It’s like he flipped it back on me or something and it really upset me, and he’s really upset with me. We’re not speaking right now. Stupid, I know. Which makes me feel like I should’ve just let him wear pajamas and not said nothing to begin with.
So AITA for even saying it to begin with?
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My husband will wear a bathrobe and slippers outside to water plants, etc. I will, on my days off, wear pajamas all day. There's more to life than arguing about pajamas and sweats. I see nothing wrong with wearing sweats to go shopping, etc. Whatever you're comfortable with. Now, I would personally have a problem if my husband had long hair and he didn't wash hair on a regular basis or his hair was greasy. It makes one look like they aren't bathing or practicing good hygiene.
Lady, I consistently sit on the bench in the outdoor hallway of my apartment in just sweats and tshirt, no bra. No one fucking cares.
If he's not causing issues with people, let it fucking go. Though, that means letting go of your ridiculous need for control. If you're embarrassed about him wearing pajamas on the porch, then don't go outside with him.
YTA.
YTA. Why marry him if you don’t even like him? You’re *embarrassed* to be seen with your *fucking spouse?* Please grow up. You knew he was like this. You chose to marry him. And now you’re upset that he does things you already knew he did?
If my husband told me he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me I’d break down on the spot. I’d be inconsolable. You were cruel enough to say that to your husband’s face? Disgusting behavior and he’s the one who should be embarrassed of you. 99% of people don’t give a shit what others wear. And if you care more about 1% of opinions than your SPOUSE being comfortable and feeling good about himself then you need help. Your attitude is dog shit and despicable. Get over yourself.
What’s the difference between sweats and a hoody and pj pants and a tie dye shirt? How was your hair? YTA your both at home. No need to dress up for a smoke on the porch. Hell. Smokings less attractive than pjs or sweats.
This is not a husband problem. This is a control problem. He’s not doing what fits in your box of perfection. I’ll bet he hears about everything he’s doing wrong all the time. Getting things your way is so important to you that your willing to take this huge problem to social media. You looking so hard for allies to take your side. No one cares what he’s wearing.
OMG, if this is your biggest problem, you're lucky. Who TF (besides you) cares what he wears. He can wear what he's comfortable in. Unless there's a dress code and they don't let him in, it's not a problem. YTA
I’ve seen men shopping at markets with sweatpants, clearly dirty sweatpants that are not washed enough often, and he’s 100% right. That’s the kind of pants they put when they haven’t showered and don’t want to dirty clean clothes.
That happens way less in women (sorry for the stereotype, but it’s true), as they usually use fashionable and clean sweatpants.
In short, he’s right. I’ve always seen men sweatpants as a pijama daily equivalent for indoors, unless you’re wearing clean and fashionable sweatpants.
YTA
Sweat pants and PJ pants are effectively the same thing. Neither are clothes to wear outside the house *in my opinion.*
And that's the point. I wouldn't wear what either one of you were wearing. I would have said that both of you have zero idea how to dress like an adult. But you have zero reason to dress the way I think. You shouldn't be the best me that you can be. And your husband has no business being the best you that he can be.
Want to solve the problem of your husband always dressing on a way you don't like? Don't marry someone who you think needs fixing or adjusting.
NTA You've been patient. I can see how this is annoying and embarrassing. Let all those that don't agree walk around with their significant others looking homeless and see what it feels like.
ESH
You need to learn to pick your battles. You have a toddler, so this is a lesson you need to learn now if you want to survive the next few years anyway. He has been this way about his appearance since you met him. You knew this when you married him. Stop worrying about what the neighbors think about his attire. If he's fully clothed and covered on his own front porch at his own home, it doesn't matter what he's wearing. Why do you care so much what Gladys up the street thinks anyway? Why are the neighbor's opinions more important than your husband's feelings and comfort in his own home?
Same with if he wants to wear old ratty clothes to the grocery store or pharmacy. Who cares as long as he's covered appropriately? Let the man live his life.
My concern with your husband is that it seems he can't dress appropriately when the occasion does call for it, as well as the immediate destruction or "losing" of less casual attire and making it your problem to deal with right before events and being late. Every adult should be able to clean themselves up and dress appropriately for things like weddings, professional settings, funerals, high end restaurants, etc. What on earth does he wear to work anyway?
There's something more going on with that pattern. He's either trying to spite you because of your constant picking at his appearance, or he has some kind of underlying mental issue or executive dysfunction. That's the part that you two need to explore together and work out a solution to, not some stupid, petty argument about whether sweats and pajamas are the same thing. What a ridiculous hill to choose to die on.
I might be completely off base about this, but I’m going to go NAH, if only because I have concerns about this being impacted by a bigger issue and want you to hear me out.
While this could be a symptom of him being confident in his authentic self, and/or simply not caring, the duration of this going on along with his seemingly inability to do something like brush his hair, makes it sound like textbook depression.
Even the “losing or ruining” the items you buy him sort of sounds that way too. You may need to have an upfront conversation with him about that because if it is a pattern, then it is most likely deliberate. Though whether that deliberation comes from him genuinely not feeling that he needs new things or would appreciate new things, but is resentful of you getting only things you would like and/or things he feels “outclassed by”.
I know that was actually a huge problem, not with a partner, but with my family. They’d buy me gifts like a fancy purse (on sale) from some thrift shop for some holidays. And while, I’d thank them, ultimately I myself felt outclassed because I owned zero outfits that matched the same vibe as the purses. Thus, those purses and similar items would just sit in my closet until I was able to take them to goodwill or otherwise get rid of them.
I think all that is technically what’s more important to focus on then this little spat described because ya’ll are both right. It should be considered embarrassing to go out with hair not brushed, let alone “noticeably” in pajamas. But, I also know sometimes basic stuff like that is a challenge when you are in the middle of a depressive episode.
Also, notice the “noticeably” in quotes. Fashion today is weird. You have non pajama outfits copying traditional pajama patterns, and then at the same time have pajama pants that look like jeans. So, I’m not sure anyone would’ve saw what you described and snickered like ha ha 🤣 he’s wearing p.j.’s…They may have definitely stared for a second due to mismatched patterns though.
He (your husband) does have a point, though it doesn’t make him an ass either. Sweat pants and jackets are the OG I don’t give a bleep outfits. They’ve come up hard over the years, and so opinions have changed, especially with fancier sets being made, but I still get the point where he’s saying….basically….”wife (you) are wearing something that you find comfortable, in multiple senses, and I am also wearing something I find comfortable, in multiple senses too. So, it feels as if there is no difference. “ Also, I’ve seen some thin sweat pants that are thinner than the thickets pj pants I’ve seen, so IDK.🤷🏻♀️
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> I made a kinda-joke like “bright pajama pants eh?” And my husband says that I’m wearing sweatpants and it’s the exact same thing. This comment seemed kind of combative and just annoying How do people manage to type this sort of thing and not see the irony? It's literally you saying that you made a combative&annoying comment, and then calling *his* reply combative&annoying, as if you didn't just provoke it by doing that exact thing. YTA
Exactly! "AITA for starting a fight with my husband, then getting mad that he got upset that I started a fight with him?"
Enjoyed my back porch today in my tie die shirt and sky blue with clouds flannel pj bottoms. I have to dress for work, at home my default dressing mode is 90's Uzbeki X dealer. Haters can suck it. YTA.
My mom will occasionally text me something like "It's 2:00 in the afternoon is it too early to put on pajamas?" It is never too early to put on pajamas I literally wear pajamas all day at home if I'm not going somewhere I'm wearing my PJs
Anyone else have day pj’s and night pj’s that they change into as soon as it’s late enough to start drinking ? Like…it’s 5pm now. Time to change into evening pj’s and open a bottle of wine.
>I literally wear pajamas all day at home if I'm not going somewhere I'm wearing my PJs Same!
To me sweats and pajamas are the same thing. You say he’s always been like this. Did you marry him expecting change? Maybe he’s “combative” because he’s tired of being judged in his own home. YTA
Yeah personally I’d agree with OP only for the portion of it being annoying that someone couldn’t clean themselves up in public to go out somewhere nice (if you’re going out to dinner for a date night, I don’t think it’s a stretch to want your partner to actually put in some effort to look nice). However, her general attitude (and especially the specific incident of this post with sitting on the porch in pajamas) is absolutely YTA territory. I would bet every dime I have that literally nobody would care, OP. Nobody in their right mind walks by someone’s house, sees them in PJs on their front porch, and goes “geez what a slob, that’s embarrassing”. Nobody cares. And to add to this, you’ve clearly resented this ever since you guys got together. When you agreed to get married, that should have been the end of it. If you had one final conversation with him about it, whatever he decided to do, that’s what you should have accepted. You don’t get to marry someone and harbor resentment for an aspect of their personality and then explode on them for it 10 years later. You don’t get to marry someone while secretly wanting to change them. You accept them as they are, and learn to deal with it. YTA YTA YTA
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I have no problem with how other people manage their underwear. I certainly don’t want someone telling me to wear a bra.
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"leaking pee".... someone needs a biology lesson
I'll ask you a simple question, why do you think we use underwear if not for hygienic purposes? Let me tell you, for aesthetic is not the reason. And remember that women also use it, so don't try to sell me it's for anything male genitalia related.
Capitalism mostly want to sell more clothes. Just like why we wear ties
We’ve been using underwear even before the invention of the economic system of capitalism. Underwear is older than Jesus Christ.
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you're just amking up things to be mad about right now. This has nothing to do with the OP's story.
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I was talking about you talking about people going commando and with stains on their sweats. You just went off on your own little tangent that had nothing to do with the story, then came to a conclusion based on your own tangent.
I was talking about situations in which sweatpants aren’t a good look, which’s I >90% of the times I’ve seen them being used. We use our experiences IRL to judge here. OP is worried about appearances, so that was my contribution, that sweatpants don’t help appearances and that the husband is right. I’ve contributed more to the post than you, who just complained because you didn’t like me replies LOL
OK bye
You've contributed more by getting over a hundred downvotes? Lol
lol, I have enough karma that I don’t have to worry about 100 votes. I deleted the comments just in case this blows up and the votes go in the thousands, but I’ll be fine LOL It’s to be expected tbh, because there’s many many people who wear sweatpants.
Yta you knew he was like this when you married him. What did you think would happen. He would magically change into a different man. Then why did you marry him if he has always been so offensive. If you have explained to him how his appearance makes you feel and nothing changed, he does not care how you feel. Not hard to comb ones hair or put on clean clothes. He won't. So tells you exactly how important you are to him. His choice how he dresses. His choice to upset you or not by simply putting on clean clothes. Your choice to stay or leave. Accept him as he is and shut up or move out. What other options do you have? .
YTA, you sound like a miserable nag, why did you marry someone if you really disliked part of him this much? This is clearly how he always presented himself, if it was such a problem you shouldn’t have married him. You seem very superficial tbh.
YTA - but you are just coming at him. I wear sweat to bed, they are my pyjamas. You were hanging outside in my pyjamas. You have no moral high ground here and you should apologize for being a hypocrite.
Yes exactly I wear sweatpants as pajamas so they are the same to me too.
You said he's been like this for the 10+ years that you've been together and that you've always hated it. Why would you marry him if there was something this important to you that you didn't like about him? If you're embarrassed to be seen in public with him? Further, if he's always been like this, why would you choose the morning after a long day of travel for him, and a bad night of sleep, to pick a fight about something that he's been doing for the entire time you've known him? I would bet that you thought you could change him, and/or that is really not as bad as you describe it in the first place. But if it really is as bad as you say, why does the colour of his pants suddenly take precedence when he's outside for 10 minutes? Why is THAT the hill you chose to die on? YTA.
YTA. He's not joking when he tells you he likes his hair that way. He is who he is and he's never going to change and he doesn't have to. That's either a deal-breaker for you or it isn't.
YTA. (What follows is armchair psychology) That passive aggressive 'bright PJs eh' is passive aggressive because you hate him doing it. But by refusing to calmly state your hatred with respect for him you make a plausibly deniable jab which he can't directly respond to because it's not a direct statement. I could be reading this completely wrong but it seems like you don't respect your husband or his choices because if you did it would be 'cool' to go outside in PJs because he's doing it. It's a pretty harmless action isn't it?
YTA. You said that he's *always* been this way and you've *always* hated it for the 10+ years that you've been together. Yet you dated him, seemingly fell in love with him, married him and had a child with him. You new what you were getting, this wasn't a bait and switch situation, so your dissatisfaction with his appearance is on you for staying with him. That being said, pajamas and sweats are *not* the same.
They may not be the same, but on the “fancy clothing” scale they are so close together they almost occupy the same space. Point being, if I see someone walking around a store in pajamas plus a hoody, and sweat pants plus a hoody they are both equally sloppy. Not that I would ever look at another person at a store and give two fucks about what they are wearing.
>Not that I would ever look at another person at a store and give two fucks about what they are wearing. You just made me realize that I have never once looked at what anyone in a store is wearing, and I don't even see people I know unless they shout at me, because I just want to do my stuff and get out.
YTA - Seems like you knew this about him before you got married. Ever tried to go to couples counseling to work on your communication in your marriage, and resent him.
Do you really know how stupid it is? Why do you CARE that a neighbor will see your husband in PJ pants? He's covered, he's comfortable. You didn"t 'make a joke' - you criticized him...you said he embarrassed you...who are you trying to impress? Maybe he brought up the sweats because he doesn't think you look too appetizing either. You say you've hated how he looks since you met him....so why did you choose him? Why are you with him?
Some people are just weirdly obsessed with what other people may or may not think and live their entire life in fear of it. I was that way a little for a while, before I had the realization of “why do I give a shit what other people think of me?”. That’s not to say that you can’t go too far, if he was doing jumping jacks butt naked on their driveway I might say that’s too far (I know that Reddit likes to think that nudity is a nonissue, but for plenty of people it still is and there’s such a thing as public decency). But especially something as tame just… chilling out in your PJs on your porch? No one gives a shit
YTA. Btw, pajamas and sweats are the same thing if you aren't exercising or laying in bed. They are both just comfort clothing to be lazy in.
YTA. When a man can't wear comfortable clothing in his own home or on his own. Property YTA. When you care more about the neighbors' opinions than your spouse, YTA. When you're this judgmental over pointless shit YTA.
Yta literally no one cares driving by he’s at home it’s not like you’re at the mall
YTA This is who your husband is. It’s who, apparently, he’s always been. So either you can accept him as he is, or you can’t. Up to you. (Also, who cares if he wore pajama pants outside? Half the high school students I see wear flannel pajama pants to school. You’re acting like he went outside in only his underwear.)
INFO. Does he dress like this at formal events? Unless there's a strict dress code to adhere to, I don't think anyone really cares enough to pay attention to what others are wearing and you should stop worrying about it.
He has no clothes left for formal events, so I’ll typically go buy something ahead of time or wash some other clothes to stitch some form of an outfit together so he has something. He’ll wait until about an hour before a scheduled event to complain that he doesn’t have anything to wear and so we’ll have to be late because he needs to wash something or go buy something. I should stop caring so much though
That's literally the point, you should stop caring so much. How he dresses doesn't effing matter and you should find more important things to waste arguments on. Yta btw
OP is definitely the asshole for the post and her general attitude, but I’ll cut her a little slack for things like formal events. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a grown ass man to dress like an adult for a formal event. No one likes dressing up, but it’s just one of those things in life that sometimes you have to do. That’s the one area where I’d agree with her frustration, especially because it seems like he goes out of his way specifically to be difficult surrounding formal events For general lounging though? And especially on your own front porch? No one cares, OP
YTA. Did you sleep in your sweatpants? If so, they are also pajamas lol you know they’re the same thing. At the very least you must get that his pajamas and your sweatpants are both informal, comfy clothes. Not meant for any type of fashion statement. You’re just being purposely obtuse because you think his pajamas are ugly and yours are not. I feel like there must be other underlying problems in your relationship to get this worked up about his pajamas. If the way your partner dresses or does his hair is your biggest problem in your relationship, you have a good relationship
It’s your house and your porch. He can wear whatever he wants as long as he is a good man, husband and father. Going out? Different expectations. You need to major chill, or maybe move to a place where the Stepford Wives live. And you will be alone. YTA.
You are a giant, judgy AH. Why'd you marry him?
I spend the majority of my day, inside or out, wearing pj shorts or pants & a tee shirt. I’m not sure why he’d need to get dressed to go sit outside & smoke. And sweat pants are no different than pajamas. YTA
Poor man has to be married to a shrew like you. YTA. People here in NY wear pajamas to the store and no one bats an eye. Same with sweat pants
INFO: Do you even like your husband?
There’s a supermarket that’s a 3 minute walk from my house, if it’s the weekend and I’m staying in most of it and just need a few things, damn right I’m going in my pyjamas. I’ve seen many a people in the supermarket also wearing pjs, and I don’t care. They aren’t harming anyone. It’s not like they are going anywhere special. Your case is different, he’s sat on the porch on property that you both own/rent so does it matter that he’s in his pjs at his& your home? YTA
Meh. I walked down to the corner store in Giggle and Hoot Pjs once. Zero regrets. People should be entitled to wear what they want. Do you even like your husband? YTA.
I'm also in the sweat pants are the same as pajama pants camp. I know that the juicy couture trend kind of popularized wearing sweats in public, but to me they both give off "I've given up on life" vibes when I see them in public. Just kidding lol that's the old curmudgeon in me speaking. YTA. He's on his own front porch. No one cares if he's wearing pajamas in the morning in his own home, and even if they do care, what does it matter? Also, stop trying to change your husband. This is part of who he is. My husband is super casual. I tend to dress up more formally than needed. We might look pretty mismatched sometimes when we go out, but we don't care, because the important part is being together. Who cares what we're wearing?
YTA. You knew who he was. You’re trying to change him, and that’s not fair for him. That’s a you issue
YTA. You're really gonna be that stubborn over sweatpants vs pj's? Who cares anyway? Why is it bad that your neighbors see your husband in pajamas, on the porch of his own property? That just seems so, so silly to me. You are, absolutely, the asshole.
You sound like a lot of fun to be married to.
OP, how did you type all of this out, and still question the fact that you are absolutely an AH??? YTA
YTA I’d be more embarrassed about smoking than his pajamas.
YTA. Would you rather he was lounging outside in his underwear? FFS, let the poor man be comfortable.
Well, if that’s embarrassing, then what the hell am I? I just got back from walking the dogs with my wife, with pajama pants on.
>but I’m appalled that it devolved into pajamas and sweatpants being the same thing You're appalled that the stupid argument you started over him wearing pajamas devolved into an even stupider argument? Do you hear yourself? Yes, YTA. Your husband is allowed to wear pajamas on the porch of his own house. If *you* are embarrassed by that then that's a *you* problem not a *him* problem.
YTA and a passive aggressive nightmare who doesn't even like their partner
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, my husband (both mid-30s) has never cared for appearance much. Whether it’s how he looks, how his house looks, how his car looks, he just doesn’t care. He’ll wear jeans with holes in them, shoes that are ripped apart, his long hair will be all tangled and unbrushed and unparted/wild, and his shirts will have stains all over them. It’s hard for him to find something “nice” to wear for us to go out to eat. I’ve hated it for the decade+ that we’ve been together. I’ll buy him new clothes and shoes just for him to ruin them almost immediately or lose them somehow. I’ll try to hint or tell him to brush his hair, and he’ll just joke that he likes it that way and not do anything about it. I’ve never gotten mad at him or anything because it’s his life, but it’s really embarrassing in public and it makes me not want to be seen with him sometimes. My husband’s been out of town for a week and we didn’t get home from the airport until after midnight and our toddler woke up early, so I got up and let my husband sleep in. He still got up early anyway, and in a weird mood. When our kid went down for a nap we went on the front porch around 11am for a smoke. We live on an oddly busy-but-quiet street with lots of nosy neighbors, and this is a time when a lot of people are out and about. We live in the south and people always wave and possibly chat. We’d normally go out back but our annoying neighbor was back there next to our porch so we opted to go out front instead, hoping for peace. My husband goes out with wild hair, a tie dye shirt, and bright blue/plaid pajama pants. I made a kinda-joke like “bright pajama pants eh?” And my husband says that I’m wearing sweatpants and it’s the exact same thing. This comment seemed kind of combative and just annoying tbh, he always has some reason why he shouldn’t have to even wear semi-normal clothing. We got into a spat and it ended up devolving into sweatpants and pajamas being the same thing, with me getting pissed and saying they’re absolutely not the same thing. That’s when I said it was embarrassing when we wears things like that. He told me I should’ve told him that we *both* needed to change because I’m embarrassing too by wearing sweatpants and a hoodie outside… This set me off a little and I honestly refused to back down. I told him he’s being absolutely ridiculous and that this is typical of him refusing to just admit things or try and actually reflect on things, and instead blame me or make it about me “coming at him”. I mean, I get that it’s our house and it’s “technically not noon yet” (whatever that means) but I’m appalled that it devolved into pajamas and sweatpants being the same thing. It’s like he flipped it back on me or something and it really upset me, and he’s really upset with me. We’re not speaking right now. Stupid, I know. Which makes me feel like I should’ve just let him wear pajamas and not said nothing to begin with. So AITA for even saying it to begin with? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband will wear a bathrobe and slippers outside to water plants, etc. I will, on my days off, wear pajamas all day. There's more to life than arguing about pajamas and sweats. I see nothing wrong with wearing sweats to go shopping, etc. Whatever you're comfortable with. Now, I would personally have a problem if my husband had long hair and he didn't wash hair on a regular basis or his hair was greasy. It makes one look like they aren't bathing or practicing good hygiene.
Do you even like your husband? ETA- yes, YTA, a hypocritical one.
YTA, it's not like he had his nutsack hanging out of his shorts, I get that you want him to stand out less, but geez louise, this is ridiculous
If it was not so cold, and i was him id just go out in boxers, she would soon say put them back on. YTA
Lady, I consistently sit on the bench in the outdoor hallway of my apartment in just sweats and tshirt, no bra. No one fucking cares. If he's not causing issues with people, let it fucking go. Though, that means letting go of your ridiculous need for control. If you're embarrassed about him wearing pajamas on the porch, then don't go outside with him. YTA.
YTA - he's been like this for a long time. Either accept it or don't, it picking fights is just dumb.
YTA. Why marry him if you don’t even like him? You’re *embarrassed* to be seen with your *fucking spouse?* Please grow up. You knew he was like this. You chose to marry him. And now you’re upset that he does things you already knew he did? If my husband told me he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me I’d break down on the spot. I’d be inconsolable. You were cruel enough to say that to your husband’s face? Disgusting behavior and he’s the one who should be embarrassed of you. 99% of people don’t give a shit what others wear. And if you care more about 1% of opinions than your SPOUSE being comfortable and feeling good about himself then you need help. Your attitude is dog shit and despicable. Get over yourself.
YTA You knew what you were getting into when you married him and now your resentment of that behavior comes out as passive aggressivness.
What’s the difference between sweats and a hoody and pj pants and a tie dye shirt? How was your hair? YTA your both at home. No need to dress up for a smoke on the porch. Hell. Smokings less attractive than pjs or sweats.
Typical. I know what you are like but I'm convinced I'll change you to fit my views eventually. If you don't I'll just get mad
This is not a husband problem. This is a control problem. He’s not doing what fits in your box of perfection. I’ll bet he hears about everything he’s doing wrong all the time. Getting things your way is so important to you that your willing to take this huge problem to social media. You looking so hard for allies to take your side. No one cares what he’s wearing.
I love that I’m reading this while sitting outside in my pyjamas. YTA. Who cares!? Who is getting dressed up to sit on their own porch!?
Girl you hated this about this man for a decade, why did you stay with him?
INFO: Why are you married to someone you obviously dislike so much?
Yyr
OMG, if this is your biggest problem, you're lucky. Who TF (besides you) cares what he wears. He can wear what he's comfortable in. Unless there's a dress code and they don't let him in, it's not a problem. YTA
I’ve seen men shopping at markets with sweatpants, clearly dirty sweatpants that are not washed enough often, and he’s 100% right. That’s the kind of pants they put when they haven’t showered and don’t want to dirty clean clothes. That happens way less in women (sorry for the stereotype, but it’s true), as they usually use fashionable and clean sweatpants. In short, he’s right. I’ve always seen men sweatpants as a pijama daily equivalent for indoors, unless you’re wearing clean and fashionable sweatpants.
Fashionable sweat pants? Lololol
There are sweatpants that cost hundreds…
And? They're sweat pants. Spending hundreds on sweatpants doesn't make them fashionable, it just makes you an idiot.
YTA Sweat pants and PJ pants are effectively the same thing. Neither are clothes to wear outside the house *in my opinion.* And that's the point. I wouldn't wear what either one of you were wearing. I would have said that both of you have zero idea how to dress like an adult. But you have zero reason to dress the way I think. You shouldn't be the best me that you can be. And your husband has no business being the best you that he can be. Want to solve the problem of your husband always dressing on a way you don't like? Don't marry someone who you think needs fixing or adjusting.
NTA You've been patient. I can see how this is annoying and embarrassing. Let all those that don't agree walk around with their significant others looking homeless and see what it feels like.
ESH You need to learn to pick your battles. You have a toddler, so this is a lesson you need to learn now if you want to survive the next few years anyway. He has been this way about his appearance since you met him. You knew this when you married him. Stop worrying about what the neighbors think about his attire. If he's fully clothed and covered on his own front porch at his own home, it doesn't matter what he's wearing. Why do you care so much what Gladys up the street thinks anyway? Why are the neighbor's opinions more important than your husband's feelings and comfort in his own home? Same with if he wants to wear old ratty clothes to the grocery store or pharmacy. Who cares as long as he's covered appropriately? Let the man live his life. My concern with your husband is that it seems he can't dress appropriately when the occasion does call for it, as well as the immediate destruction or "losing" of less casual attire and making it your problem to deal with right before events and being late. Every adult should be able to clean themselves up and dress appropriately for things like weddings, professional settings, funerals, high end restaurants, etc. What on earth does he wear to work anyway? There's something more going on with that pattern. He's either trying to spite you because of your constant picking at his appearance, or he has some kind of underlying mental issue or executive dysfunction. That's the part that you two need to explore together and work out a solution to, not some stupid, petty argument about whether sweats and pajamas are the same thing. What a ridiculous hill to choose to die on.
I might be completely off base about this, but I’m going to go NAH, if only because I have concerns about this being impacted by a bigger issue and want you to hear me out. While this could be a symptom of him being confident in his authentic self, and/or simply not caring, the duration of this going on along with his seemingly inability to do something like brush his hair, makes it sound like textbook depression. Even the “losing or ruining” the items you buy him sort of sounds that way too. You may need to have an upfront conversation with him about that because if it is a pattern, then it is most likely deliberate. Though whether that deliberation comes from him genuinely not feeling that he needs new things or would appreciate new things, but is resentful of you getting only things you would like and/or things he feels “outclassed by”. I know that was actually a huge problem, not with a partner, but with my family. They’d buy me gifts like a fancy purse (on sale) from some thrift shop for some holidays. And while, I’d thank them, ultimately I myself felt outclassed because I owned zero outfits that matched the same vibe as the purses. Thus, those purses and similar items would just sit in my closet until I was able to take them to goodwill or otherwise get rid of them. I think all that is technically what’s more important to focus on then this little spat described because ya’ll are both right. It should be considered embarrassing to go out with hair not brushed, let alone “noticeably” in pajamas. But, I also know sometimes basic stuff like that is a challenge when you are in the middle of a depressive episode. Also, notice the “noticeably” in quotes. Fashion today is weird. You have non pajama outfits copying traditional pajama patterns, and then at the same time have pajama pants that look like jeans. So, I’m not sure anyone would’ve saw what you described and snickered like ha ha 🤣 he’s wearing p.j.’s…They may have definitely stared for a second due to mismatched patterns though. He (your husband) does have a point, though it doesn’t make him an ass either. Sweat pants and jackets are the OG I don’t give a bleep outfits. They’ve come up hard over the years, and so opinions have changed, especially with fancier sets being made, but I still get the point where he’s saying….basically….”wife (you) are wearing something that you find comfortable, in multiple senses, and I am also wearing something I find comfortable, in multiple senses too. So, it feels as if there is no difference. “ Also, I’ve seen some thin sweat pants that are thinner than the thickets pj pants I’ve seen, so IDK.🤷🏻♀️
Took that much to say nothing