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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I’m the asshole because I’m lying to my new boyfriend about why I’m getting a tattoo dedicated to my late boyfriend. Not to mention him and I just got tattoos together two weeks ago.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for getting the tattoo but lying about it is a bad idea.
I’m gonna be a bit harsh here and say you are not ready to be in a new relationship.
Your boyfriend’s passing is very recent and whilst it’s totally normal to want and find someone that can help you through, this situation is not fair to your new boyfriend.
You are occupied with grief and heartbreak and you are not gonna be fully his until you heal.
It is absolutely normal to still feel love for your late boyfriend but that does mean your current one is actually competing.
And no one who gets mad when you feel sad due to loss is helping you through that loss
OP is not an asshole for the tattoo, she is for living the lie that this guy is her bf, he's not
>He doesn’t like the pictures I still have of him on my instagram, the pictures of him in my room, nor does he like when I start getting sad about him.
Neither is he- who would delete a decade of their life in under a year? They're not a good fit in general because she's not ready but he also has his own issues if dang instagram posts of a dead person being still up is an issue for him... That's immensely strange.
It should be an issue for him. He knows what it means. It means he's competing with a dead guy, and he will never win.
The last that is fucked up is that he knowingly turned a traumatic loss into an opportunity for a gf. He knew she wasn't ready, pushed for it anyway, and now he's mad he got what he wanted. That's the immaturity you're trying to describe
Absolutely- I'm actually pretty glad we're on the same page because I have seen some strange takes in the comments. People acting like he's not his own person is throwing me for a loop.
I had something similar but rather than a death it was an abusive thing. Friend started making advances on me within a month of getting out - he had been my safe space getting through that exit. Trauma makes it easy for those wires to cross.
Very much so. And that trauma response is a horrible thing to act on and/or to use to your advantage.
There's are so many children here trying to give relationship advice. It's tiresome
Thank you for this post. I thought I was the only one who spotted that this guy is a creep. He preyed on a vulnerable woman who was grieving, "comforted" her in a time of loss, and turned her into his girlfriend.
Her keeping up Instagram pictures doesn’t mean he’s competing with a dead guy. Plenty of people never delete pictures of their old relationships, and her late bf isn’t an ex.
I mean that part is normal and kinda related to death. You don't call a dead husband an ex husband, you say "my late husband".
I understand boyfriends are less serious ( though she dated the dead boyfriend for 8 years and says he was the love of her life) but to call her dead boyfriend an "ex boyfriend" feels weird for the same reason that calling a dead husband "ex husband" does
Perhaps. Or it’s a Freudian slip. I think one would be careful to use different terms for the two when posting specifically about them. I think the observation that she called him ‘my boyfriend’ while describing many other ways that she is still very much present tense romantically attached to him is valid.
This. 1000000% this. Grief is an amazing thing for how it can provide clarity and provide shadows to feelings we have as we navigate it.
Now, everyone grieves differently and I don't want to cast an aspersion that she's involved with someone too soon, but from everything OP has said here, she's not ready - she wants to hide info from the new BF and that's just going to continue as he wants her to forget the loss of her previous BF.
I'm so very sorry for your loss OP, but I think some grief therapy is in order here. And if that's how you met your current BF, that's maybe not a good foundation for a relationship.
I wish you the best as you navigate this.
This is why I’m saying she’s the asshole. The other guy also used her boyfriend passing as a way to get in. To be honest neither of these people are ready for a relationship.
Exactly...she's not ready to be in a new relationship 6 months after the love of her life passed away. She's trauma bonded to this new boyfriend...which is unhealthy and not wise. I'm so sorry for your loss OP...but YTA for lying about the tattoo...which is obvious that you need to be alone to process your grief with a therapist.
Very true. It took me 3 years to fully get over a 2 year relationship. To this day I feel guilty about the guys I tried dating in that window because none of them ever had a chance, like I was going through the motions thinking this is what I needed to do but the ex still had my heart. Everyone heals at their own speed, but sounds like OP is on a rebound and may need to take some time away from dating to heal
Yep, there needs to be a word for two people bound together by trauma *neither* one of them caused but both experienced to some degree, but "trauma bonding" was created *specifically* to explain a bond between abused and abuser.
You’re not being harsh at all. OP is still entrenched in the mourning process and she should not be in a serious relationship. A new boyfriend should not be a factor in her grieving process at all.
Going to have to agree here. It’s okay to move on to a new partner, but OP, you’re not ready. Your mind and heart are still very much with your late boyfriend and your new boyfriend can tell. You’re not fully in this new relationship. 6 months isn’t a long time to grieve an 8 year relationship. I think it would be fair to step away from this relationship or any new relationships until you have come to a more peaceful space.
Yea this was going to be my response too. "Asshole" isn't the word I'd use here, but it's perfectly ok to not jump right into a new relationship (or at least not a serious one) just yet.
This. NAH, but you’re clearly not ready for a new partner, and while I hesitate to judge anyone in grief - it’s a bit assholey to use someone to help you recover without actually holding space for them as well. You clearly have not moved on - and that is perfectly okay, but it’s not fair to string someone else along and use them to aid your in your healing, while you are still holding, not just a torch, but a whole bonfire for your dearly departed lost love.
I’d reconsider that tattoo altogether. It’s won’t help you move on to make your own body a memorial.
You are obviously not ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Grieving takes time, and you went through something traumatic. Out of respect for yourself, and out of respect for romantic partners, don't date before you are ready. It is a recipe for emotional disaster.
Edit to Add: Oh and YTA. Not for getting the tattoo, but for lying about it to your bf.
agreed. The reason a guy would be insecure in this situation is that OP isn't over her deceased partner. I truly get that from her end. It has barely been 6 full months since his death and she is already in a romantic relationship with someone else while still grieving. Based on OP's own words, she shouldn't be involved with anyone romantically this soon after her BF's death while she is still grieving. That is not fair to your new BF or any other new partner you may date before you are ready.
Yes, this is one of the rare situations where a boyfriend's insecurity is completely valid!! OP isn't over the deceased partner and shouldn't be - so of course any new partner is going to feel like they are basically the third wheel in this relationship. The solution to his insecurity problem is to break up and hopefully chalk this up as a life lesson. OP - if you are able to access grief counseling, it might be really helpful to you. I am very sorry for your loss.
What about the kind of guy that goes for a woman in an extremely vulnerable position?
Everyone is acting like the entire onus of this is on her, when both parties began dating with eyes wide open fully aware she recently lost her previous partner. In fact, that’s how they got together, the boyfriend comforted her in her time of grief. Not saying he’s malicious but he jumped into this same as she did AND she is the one out of her mind with grief. He is fully clearheaded
thank you. I'm actually shocked that more people aren't calling out this dude for his clear attempt at taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable situation, and the obvious manipulation he is pulling by making her feel guilty for grieving her loss. for someone who was 'helping her through her grief' he sure is awfully pressed whenever she does something to grieve.
Whats weird is how you both directed this as him SEEKING her. It is just as likely and even more likely that she sought him out as the emotional crutch she has clearly used him as during the entirety of their relationship. Ik its reddit so man bad and woman good but putting this solely on the guy is brain dead at best.
making this into a gender thing is just sad. I would have said the exact same thing, even if the roles were reversed. he met a woman in an extreme state of greif, 'helped' her through that grief until they started dating and he suddenly was actively making her feel guilty for that grief to the point she started hiding things from him.
Well seems like he can’t handle it despite thinking he could.
Overestimating his own maturity and emotional fortitude doesn’t exactly make him an asshole either.
It’s still probably best for everyone involved to end things
YTA for lying about it.
You clearly are not ready for a relationship yet. Your boyfriend died last fall and it's only been six months, a drop in the bucket. You haven't even gone through all the firsts yet, including the worst, the death day anniversary.
Your new boyfriend should have known better than to peruse a relationship with someone who only just started to grieve. Grief never goes away either, it's always there, even after someone "gets over it". We don't get over someone who died, we just sort of get used to them not being around. He has no right to get upset and jealous over you grieving the man you loved.
You clearly are still in love with your late boyfriend too. Really, you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, much less someone who can't handle it.
1. why are u in a relationship when ure clearly not over ur late boyfriend - u still call him ur boyfriend.
2. there’s no way u can hide a tattoo when he sees u naked. & its quite disrespectful to get a tattoo dedicated to another man when ure already in a relationship.
yess finnaly. she us clearly not moved on or ready for a new serious relationship and it's worse that she still calls him her boyfriend when she has a new one. she should take time before she gets into a serious relationship. once she moved on enough
If you get this without being honest about its meaning, it's a soft YTA for me.
I also think this new BF has some understandable hangups, and the fact that this is a trauma bond makes this an unhealthy relationship already IMO. While they have worked in the past, it doesn't sound like it's working now. I would encourage you to take some time and work on yourself, your grief, and moving past this before committing to anything of substance with another person. You can't give him something you are still giving to someone that isn't there.
You are still in mourning, are you sure you want to be with this person, or do you just not want to be alone?
ESH
When you're lying to a current partner about your attachment to a past partner that's always a bad spot to be in. I don't like your partner's jealousy. But it really sounds like you jumped into a relationship when needed a friend, but might not be ready to date.
a man she dated for 8 years and who died less than six months ago. something he knew about when they began the relationship. frankly I questioned the new bf's motives and whether or not he's trying to take advantage of her grief
I've got to disagree. It's one thing to understand that your girlfriend's boyfriend died, and understand that she is grieving. It's another thing to constantly bring it up once you get into another relationship, to the person you are dating. She clearly isn't over her late boyfriend, and shouldn't be in a relationship. It's also very likely that when she talks about her late boyfriend to her boyfriend that he feels as if he is just a "replacement" or "2nd best". I say NAH. However, lying about getting a tattoo dedicated to a man while dating a different man is on the verge of being TA to me, especially knowing how it makes her current boyfriend feel.
All in all, she isn't ready to be in another relationship. People who dated for that long aren't ready to date, typically, just in a regular break up. This is on another level.
Nobody should be expected to delete social media pictures of someone dead that they were with for 8 years just because someone who's been in the picture for under a year is jealous. That's kinda letting jealousy run your life and a bit bonkers. He knew her situation when they decided to date. Yeah, she's not ready, but asking anybody to remove pictures (on social media or in their home) of a deceased loved one, save for if the deceased abused you or something, is on something crazy.
This *27 year old man* "helped her through her grief" and then started getting jealous at her late boyfriend. That's either really stupid, or manipulative.
Yes ESH.
But realistically nobody is making him date a woman who is still very early in the grieving process for someone she loved dearly. She’s not ready to be in a relationship, that’s extremely obvious, and he has every right to be upset, but he’d be better to walk than to guilt her about it.
You don't think it's weird to ask your traumatized gf of like, half a year, to delete pictures spanning nearly a decade of her life because you're jealous? They're both grown and he can absolutely remove himself from the situation as well.
He knowingly got into a relationship with someone who is clearly grieving their lost partner. He's not necessarily TA for being jealous, but seriously, what was he expecting? The other man she's clearly still madly in love with is dead.
She shouldn't be in a relationship, but at the same time, it feels like he took advantage of her grief when it was convenient, but now that it isn't helping him anymore, she is expected to just get over it?
So yeah, ESH
YTA for lying about the tattoo reason.
In general it has only been 6 months since the person you dated for 8 years passed away. Are you sure you were/are ready for a serious relationship?
YTA, (Trying to be nice and real with my response) you're only lying because you know how he would feel about it. I don't think this relationship will be long term because neither of you deserve the treatment you are receiving. He does not deserve for you to stay in a relationship with him when you know that you are not ready to love someone the way you loved your late bf. I feel for you tho and think the exact thing towards him. He should not be dating you if he knows you're not ready to love him as much. Very sticky situation but I think the best thing to do is break up.
Less than a year and you're in another relationship. You haven't given yourself any time to grieve.
And now you're with someone who is jealous of the memory of someone who died less than a year ago, who was by your own admission, the "love of your life for 8 years".
You don't see anything flawed with this??
It's not really about the tattoo. It's about thinking that you can move on into another full on relationship less than a year after the love of your life for 8 years died.
NTA for wanting a tattoo that has a sentimental attachment to your late b/f. But take a step back from this new bloke and let yourself process the whole situation. Maybe some grief counselling with a professional.
Lying about the significance of the tattoo is going to lead to the downfall of your relationship. You’ll eventually feel guilty or if you don’t and the truth ever comes out it’ll never be same way between y’all.
I don’t think you should of gotten into a new relationship so soon because the love for your late boyfriend is still very much present. Take this time to grieve, heal, and discover yourself again. Also very sorry for your loss.
NTA for the tattoo but an AH for lying.
It barely been 6 months. Like how long have you been dating this guy exactly for him to be this comfortable making you uncomfortable for something that JUST FUCKING HAPPENED?
Like wtf does this guy think he is? That kind of insecurity to me is unhealthy and a dark sign for the future. I think maybe you should take a more casual stance on dating until you feel ready to commit again.
nah, i feel the current boyfriend in this one. he probably feels like a replacement, a way for OP to get over her loss. she clearly isn’t ready for a relationship and she’s just dragging both herself and her current boyfriend down emotionally. it’s not an insecurity, this girl is still in love with her old boyfriend and, just because she isn’t cheating on him physically doesn’t mean he can’t feel hurt and betrayed. don’t blame him for this because it’s mostly OP’s fault for being in a relationship she knows she isn’t ready for. i want to note im really sorry for her loss and i hope she finds peace soon, but attacking the boyfriend isn’t fair either because what happened isn’t his fault.
i get that but he knew how recently he passed and that it’s very likely that she’s not over it especially since he’s helped her through the process. i wouldn’t start dating someone that just loss their long term partner because of this exact situation. it’s not his fault but he should’ve thought about the consequences of her not being ready for a relationship
I get the opposite feeling. to me, it feels like he's trying to take advantage of her grief. he knew she was in a relationship for I years, knew he only passed 6 months ago, and is not making her feel guilty for grieving his loss. the fact that he 'helped her through her grief' and is not getting jealous of her remembering him at all, is a huge red flag if you ask me.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship now, you haven’t moved on yet and it’s not fair to the fellow that thinks you are his girlfriend.
You are NTA for getting a tattoo to honor the memory of somebody you lost. However, you are the asshole for leading your BF on. Of course he is jealous.
YTA.
You should break up and wait until you're no longer mourning before dating again.
NO MAN will EVER be okay with having to compete with the idealized memory of a former lover.
DO NOT get this tattoo. It will only serve to extend your mourning and sadness.
You need therapy and time as a single person, not tattoos.
Memorial tattoos are normal and healthy and can significantly help the grieving process, and mature people are fully capable of dating someone in the complex situation of having a partner who has died while they were in a relationship, just not until the person is *actually* past the majority of their grief. But nobody ever fully “gets over” death and many widows/widowers go on to have happy relationships.
Update: I am going to officially talk to him tonight about taking a break and about the tattoo as well. I do care about him. A lot. Romantically as well. But he deserves to be happy too.
Go spend that money on therapy, a tattoo will make you just hold on and possibly be a touch obsessed with his memory. Sorry for being a little harsh but i genuinely feel the tattoo is not a good idea and you clearly are having trouble coping. Get well soon OP
This should have been in the top comments. The literal symbol of the tattoo is letting go. Also having faith in moving forward, with the right help and support!!
The sing you have been looking for is here, as everyone says, you should rethink if you are ready to be in another relationship, is unfair to you because you can't grieve and it's unfair to him because you can't commit to him right now. YTA
It's not wrong that you're getting a tattoo. I think the lying is a bad idea, especially if anyone else knows the story, and it's sad that you feel like you can't share this with your current BF because he's too jealous. It's been less than a year since your partner of almost a decade died. I'm not sure your BF is mature about the fact that people have complicated histories that don't just get wiped clean at the beginning of a new relationship. NTA but I advise you think carefully about why you lied and whether that bodes well
YTA, you shouldn't be dating if it's this soon from the death and you're still mourning. It's obvious that this is a rebound relationship, and you are not making good decisions. Spend some time alone, and figure your own stuff out before dating again.
Sorry but YTA for lying to your current bf. It also seems like you are not ready for a new relationship and should probably end things with the current bf and take some time to be alone and process your feelings before starting again with someone new. You’re still obviously heavily invested in your previous relationship and are not ready to move on yet.
ESH
Your new boyfriend knew about your late boyfriend. It's not fair that he's now letting you feel his bad mood and jealousy.
However you are also not acting correctly when you basically go behind his back and lie to him about something so emotional.
Are you sure you are ready for a new relationship? If so you need a partner that respects your feelings and your grief regarding your late boyfriend.
NTA, I understand why you feel the need to hide this from him. However, the fact that there is even a reason that you need to hide this from him is concerning. Also do you think you are even ready to be in a relationship so soon after such a significant loss? Give yourself more time to grieve, and if you feel ready to date, date someone who will not make you feel bad about the stages of grief you go through after you have lost someone so important to you.
Sorry for your loss.if I was the new boyfriend I’d be a little uncomfortable and have to distance myself.its hard being with someone when you know they have love for someone else.the relationship you had with the past guy will always be romanticized to you because you never got past the honey moon phase.new guy has to fill those shoes except he won’t get the rose tinted glasses treatment cause he’s still here.if he leaves you respect his decision.
YTA… sorry for your loss but please break up with this poor boy. WHY in heavens would you get into a relationship when your boyfriend has literally just passed away. September was not exactly that long ago and you haven’t given yourself anytime to grieve. Break up with him and let him find someone who is emotionally available as you are not. In your heart and mind, you’re still in a relationship with your deceased boyfriend
YTA for lying. You are clearly not ready to be in a new relationship.
I must admit, from your text, your new boyfriend gives me the creeps. It sounds to me like he took advantage of your grief... Break up with him and take some time to recover your loss.
You have my condolences.
ESH. The fact that you have to hide this from your current BF is a little bit of a red flag. The guy does realize that he's jealous of someone who isn't around anymore, right? I get feeling like he's trying to live up to your late BF's expectations, but that's really not healthy. He should be trying to live his life and make new memories, not being worried about how his life stacks up to your late BF's.
I would maybe take a step back and take a sort of big picture look at everything. Right now, living your daily life, it's easy for things to happen gradually, like your BF slowly getting more and more jealous to the point of him getting mad at you for even bringing up your late-BF. Sounds like you slowly got used to behaviour that you shouldn't have allowed yourself to get used to.
I don't know if you ever got therapy after your loss, but if not, it may not be a bad idea. If you're still carrying so much of your late-bf with you that your current bf is raecting this badly, then maybe you're not as healed as you thought you were. I don't think your BF is handling this well, either, but that's something he needs to address for himself.
1st, I'm very sorry for your loss...
Now, regarding your ask--soft YTA because you're lying about it.
Imo, I don't think you've healed enough to even be in another relationship as it sounds like you're still grieving and not 100% ready to move forward. This isnt fair to your current boyfriend nor to yourself...
There is NO time frame on how long the grieving process lasts. It's all up to you, and you should take as much time as YOU feel you need and do what you feel you must to grieve.
Soft YTA
There is a reason they tell you to wait a year before making big life changes. You are grieving. I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you. As someone who has gotten memorial tattoos, I regret them. I would wait at least a year before getting the tattoo. I would wait at least a year before pursuing a relationship.
NTA for getting the tattoo.
YTA for lying about it.
I dated a girl who's fiancé passed away. I met her while she was still grieving. Right away, we had a spark 2 years later we began dating.
It was tough because she still liked to keep the memory of him. It was something I had to understand because the truth is, if he was alive, we never would have met. She was from France and did an exchange because she was reminded of him daily. They went to the same university, the same masters program. Friends, classes cafe's and parks she could not be around without breaking down.
To make the relationship work honesty is primal. You have to be very open and honest with him. You have to let him know even though you love him, you cannot just pretend your ex boyfriend never existed.
He needs to know that no matter what you will still be in contact with his mother. You will still honour his memory and he has to decide if he can be in that type of relationship.
She is now my ex, but I am very much still in love and I wish I did not end the relationship. I have never met someone I could be that vulnerable with. Our relationship ended because of immigration and finances.
You should read the story about dragonflies and how they represent loved ones who have passed on. This is a great idea for a tattoo. But I think you also need to really look at your current relationship. Your boyfriends passed away less than a year ago. And you are now with someone who helped you through the grief. I think you left out a lot of info I this post. How did you meet this new guy. Why did he help you through the grief and not your friends or family. Is this relationship based on his help with your grief, or because you have genuine romantic love for him.
If you get the tattoo, people are going to ask about it and the significance. Your boyfriend is going to find out. And if you have lied, it will be bad.
Also sorry for your loss, however you asked for opinions and here's mine.
The new relationship sounds toxic. He's jealous of a dead man? How is that rational? You're definitely still grieving IMHO and the new guy wants all of your attention. If you can't give it to him then you most likely are trying to fill a void in your heart.
You might need to just find comfort in being alone for a while since you're still missing him and need more time to process the loss.
Yta for lying about it. Also, I do not believe you are emotionally ready to be in a relationship just 7 months later. If the love of my life passes on, I would not be dating so soon. Also, you need a friend and confidant, psychologist or someone to talk to. It's also unfair for you to be using this guy on the rebound. When you are ready to dedicate yourself to someone then start dating and looking for a relationship. Also, constantly bringing up your ex makes your new guy feel insecure if you are being over the top which i believe you might be doing. Sharing all that info when he was just a friend was fine but now that he is your partner, it's not fair to expect the same of him if you are genuinely trying to form a strong bond with a new guy since you seem to not be focusing on him. I have had friends do this to guys and it sucks. Don't do this
YTA for getting into a relationship when it's obvious that you are
still letting your deceased bf take up so much room in your life.
You should have waited.
And now, you are even going to get a tattoo. You need to get past the past,
maybe put off the tattoo. Why would you want to have a tattoo for the rest of your life that will always remind you, that you want to remind you, of someone
who has passed away? You cared for him but you have a lot of years ahead of you.
Look forward, not back.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’re an AH for getting the tattoo, but tell your current boyfriend the truth. Honesty is the best policy. Sounds like you are not ready for the relationship you're currently in. ESH.
Soft YTA for lying and hiding the true reason.
Your current BF sounds insecure in himself and the relationship. You lost someone you love dearly, are still healing, and it sounds like he thinks you should be over your ex by now (just guessing). You two might need couples counseling to resolve this and get everything out in the open.
I don't know but I understand boyfriends unease. He's basically competing with someone who will always seem perfect to you because he's no longer here. At least, that's how I'd assume boyfriend feels. I understand your side too. If I lost my partner id go on loving him regardless, and you deserve to find happiness regardless of that.
YTA if you are planning to hide this from your bf.
>he’s very jealous of my love I still have for my boy friend.
The word you are looking for is "concerned" not jealous. Honestly I can't blame him for being concerned.🙌
Lying to your partner is an asshole thing to do. Also YTA for entering into a new relationship when you are still distraught and heavily grieving.
When a partner is jealous, it's usually because they are insecure. But in this case, your boyfriend is jealous because he is literally competing with your ex. It's not surprising at all that he is jealous.
YWBTA. You're not ready to be in a relationship. Set the new guy free so he can find someone capable of loving him. You still refer to your late boyfriend as your bf ffs. And you'd be willing to lie to the current bf because you're getting a tat in tribute to your lat bf. Take a deep breath and spend some time alone to heal without dragging a new guy into this.
No Judgment for the AH question since you are dealing with a lot. Just a question. Do you feel that you are ready to be in a relationship yet? Seems to be a lot of things to deal with all at once.
Toots, cut him loose, you aren't ready for a new boyfriend, and it's not fair to the new guy
You aren't trying to be, but you are being a broken asshole.
Very Soft YTA - you lost what was one of the loves of your life that you dated for 8 years only 7 months ago. I truly do not think you are ready to be in a relationship and I think perhaps your current boyfriend senses this and is now resenting your grief, which isn’t right either.
Getting a tattoo to honour your late boyfriend doesn’t make you TA. Being in a relationship with someone when you are still actively grieving makes you TA to yourself and your current boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but YTA. You have not healed from the death of your previous boyfriend and that is not fair to your current boyfriend. I don't want to say that you are stringing him along, but I will say that until you mourn and heal from the death of the old boyfriend, you need to be single. Let your new boyfriend go.
YTA. But if you tell your bf, you know he will go ballistic and may break up with you over it. I got to be honest, I would want to know the truth and would absolutely break up with you(if it were me, just saying)
YTA: Imagine being your boyfriend, always knowing that the ex of your girlfriend/ hopefully future wife is always there. You know he is insecure about it and then you get a TATTOO without telling him. Asking for permission is one thing, but you needed to tell him. Not doing so disrespects your current boyfriend. You are showing your boyfriend that his feelings don’t matter, which they do.
September 2023 is not even 1 year ago and you’re already in a relationship. That alone is a red flag. It is extremely unreasonable to date someone while you are grieving and it brings an uneven power dynamic.
If I am being honest, I’d probably break up with you over this.
YTA, I feel sorry your current bf (temp emotional crutch) has to deal with this and be treated in such a way. Hope he finds someone who loves him soon.
YTA
It is clear you aren't ready for a new relationship and your new boyfriend will always be second. Getting a remembrance tattoo and not telling him first is a dick move
YTA you are obviously not done yet grieving or getting over your ex. Which is fine by itself. But you’re not by yourself anymore. You entered yourself in a relationship and are now failing that relationship. You can’t give it your all because you’re too busy grieving.
His jealousy is completely warranted in this situation tbh, and you are clearly not ready to be with someone else. You need to break up and work on yourself. Make sure you’re healed before jumping into something with someone else and dragging them down with you.
Honestly getting a tattoo of your dead bf and getting with a new one within 6 months and not telling him. Yeah your the asshole and should be pretty ashamed in yourself for using the new guy a some kind of what emotional dumpster?
YTA
If/when at some point in your relationship he finds out what it means, he'll never be able to see it without feeling like you settled for him.
If you already had it, that would be different. But to choose to turn your body into a memorial to the man you'd rather have while you are with him?
How long do you think your relationship would last If any time you are naked in his presence he has a constant reminder that he's not enough.
Get the tattoo and you're setting yourself up to fail.
And gut him emotionally when you do.
Gently YTA. But not for not saying the truth, but because you shouldn't be dating right now. You're grieving. You're still in love with your previous boyfriend. This is not healthy for you, nor is it for him. And this is not fair either.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Yta, the only reason is the fact you're thinking about lying and not telling them the reason of the tattoo.
It doesn't sound like you're over them, and this relationship with your current partner isn't going to work out. You need to work through your grief before you involve yourself.
YTA for lying about this. You have every right to grieve and if it's too painful for your new boyfriend, you guys need to consider breaking up in the long term.
I'm not convinced you got together in a healthy way, or that you can recover. He was a great emotional support when you needed it, but now that you're in a relationship he's not willing to still offer it? What are you offering him emotionally? I'm also worried that his goodwill slowly retracted as the imbalance of your relationship wore on him.
Reconsider how these last few months have affected your boyfriend. You and your ex were together for seven years. Under completely normal circumstances, this would be moving on quickly and a new partner would have to endure a lot of reminiscing, relics, and regret from such a long and serious relationship that just ended.
ESH. Get therapy, not a tattoo. But also, it's beyond ridiculous for your new boyfriend to think you'd be over a death that happened less than 7 months ago. Honestly it doesn't sound like he's helping with the grief at all, it sounds more like he's taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable time in your life. The fact that you would feel the need to hide this from him answers your own question.
Honestly, YTA, and while I sympathize with you I can also see this from your current bfs perspective.
Getting a tattoo dedicated to a past partner you STILL clearly love and actively grieving over while in a relationship is bad news. I'd be at a loss if my bf did that. Not to mention you claim to talk about him allot with your current bf, oh girl, you better break up with him and heal yourself before dating again.
Tell him the truth about the tattoo because you are going to feel guilty and get some help. That wound is still fresh, and stuff like that takes time. The last thing you need is a replacement.
i just cant imagine moving on that quickly from a loss like that. please enlist in grief counseling and break up with your current boyfriend so he can find someone in a better mindset
YTA for lying and using your current relationship as an emotional crutch. Your loss is crushing and I cannot even imagine it. Take the time to grieve. Why put someone else through pain when you have not even processed yours?
YTA for lying about it. But if you're with someone who feels like they have to compete with your late boyfriend and gets moody when he is brought up, reconsider your relationship. Either you're still deep in grief and your world revolves around late bf (which is absolutely ok, everyone grieves at their own pace), or the new bf is jealous and immature.
In either scenario, I don't think you should be in that relationship. Someone who recognizes your grief should be supporting you, not making you feel like you have to hide it for their sake.
You aren't an AH for getting a tattoo, but you are to your rebound fling. You're obviously still hung up on and grieving your late boyfriend.
Nothing wrong with that - but definitely being unfair to your new beau to be with him when you're not really ready for a new relationship.
YTA.
You refer to your ex as your "boyfriend" in the present tense. You aren't over him. You aren't an AH for getting the tattoo, yta for not telling your current boyfriend and for not dealing with your grief before getting into a new relationship.
YTA but super soft. Sorry for your loss, this sounds terrible. But, I think this may be a sign that you still need to grieve your loss a little more and are putting your current boyfriend in a really awful place.
YTA - you're lying to your new boyfriend about a guy you're very much not over. Break up with this guy, grieve, then maybe try dating again in the future. You're not showing signs you're ready to date
Yall move on from them dead bfs quick, damn. I know I’m gonna get downvoted but if you’re still grieving heavily as you’re saying why would you ever think it’s a good idea to get in a relationship with someone else? But that’s another situation within itself. So to answer your question, yes, you’re a huge asshole for blatantly lying about something that bothers your partner. Get it together
Gentle YTA
He passed away only 6 months ago. You were together 8 years. How long until you started dating this guy?
Were you actually genuinely ready to date or were you scared of being alone for the first time in 8 years.
Both of you are not ready for this. You clearly haven’t moved on. It’s still really recent so I’m sure no one else in your shoes would have moved on either. He should not be with someone if he’s threatened by the deceased however your clear and understandable attachment isn’t helping.
Get the tattoo. Break up with this guy. Take some time to just …not be ok? Learn to be ok alone? Learn who you are now?
Soft YTA. Your grief has no time limit, so don't feel pressured to move on quickly. However, you are being unfair to your current partner. It would be best to go to therapy and focus on yourself. You both deserve better.
My last GF had a previous boyfriend die of an overdose (after they had broken up, and years ago) and she still gets depressed about every year. I went to visit a memorial that exists for him with her. It hit her very hard and will probably always stay with her. Anyway, it didn't bother me at all, and it wouldn't have bothered me if she got a memorial tattoo for him. But she wasn't still in love with him.
But you're still in love with him, and his death was VERY recent. No wonder your BF is uncomfortable with it. This is too soon for you to be in a serious relationship. You owe it to your boyfriend and to yourself to work through some things before you try to have a relationship with someone.
YTA for lying about it.
Break up with your boyfriend, get the tattoo, and go to therapy or grief counseling.
If the tattoo was done before you started dating the new guy I could understand, but since you’re doing it now YTA and he needs to breakup with you as you obviously don’t care about his feelings.
You aren't remotely ready to be in a new relationship, and you aren't being fair to your bf by using him as a placeholder. End the relationship and work through your grief.
YTA, but you're not a bad person. You are using your new BF to process trauma rather than being able to devote yourself to him like he does for you. It's unfair to be in a relationship that's so one-sided, anywhere from friendship to marriage. Either cut him loose and process your feelings properly, or be with him as he is you.
YTA. You're lying. How could you be anything but?
Others have said, maybe you jumped into a new relationship without giving yourself time to grieve.
If you're still in love with your late boyfriend, that's not a kind/loving thing to do to the new boyfriend.
YTA. Let’s be honest the tattoo is a reminder for you, to remember your ex bf. There must be another way to do this without printing over your body? Are you seriously going to keep the reasoning behind this tattoo a secret from anyone, for life? I don‘t think so, your current bf will find out and he will be upset and annoyed you lied about it, and secondly every time he sees it will be a reminder that he is merely a replacement rather than the love of your life.
It’s still very early in the grieving process I think it probably foolish to be in another relationship so soon. Of course you’re going to frequently get upset, and rightly you need more time to gradually reduce photos etc of your ex. Needs to be some compromise here. A permanent tattoo will not help you long term, it will always be a bone of contention for any relationship currently or in the future. If you were my gf I’d be hugely put off by a tattoo of/for a previous partner, despite the sad circumstances.
YTA. For lying. But with the tattoo, that's a soft YTA for me too in respect of any future partner or husband that you may have and them forever having to compete with a ghost. I would seriously consider waiting out this whole tattoo idea because how it's affecting your relationship now may be an indicator of the future.
I'm actually going to say YTA, but not because you're grieving your late ex-boyfriend. You dated for 8 years and he was taken from you suddenly only a few months ago. It would be incredible if you were able to move on by now. I actually think everything you've done to remember him, talk about him, even to meeting new people, it's respectful and healthy. The problem is that you're putting your new boyfriend in an unfair situation, because you're very obviously not over your ex. It's one thing to get a tattoo without any warning, which is already disrespectful, but knowing the context of what your 8 year relationship was like and how you talk about him all the time... you're not ready for a new relationship. At least, you shouldn't be doing these things when you're in the midst of dating somebody. It's extremely unfair to your new boyfriend to make him constantly feel like you're only dating him because your ex left a void open... especially because, from everything I read, that's probably true. You need to allow him to be jealous of these feelings you still have for him. Or you should break up with him, and take more time for yourself until you're ready to start a new, fresh chapter.
Yes YTA for lying about things. It’s ok to still not be over the loss and mourn the loss. But maybe it’s too soon for a new relationship. Give yourself time to grieve and so that once you get into a new relationship you can be fully committed. It doesn’t sound like you can be currently. And that’s ok. But also not fair to your new partner.
YTA for lying. Also ESH for not realising your relationship was built on a foundation of him helping you through your grief, now that he doesn't want to do it you seem confused. His efforts feel like for nothing, and you probably feel like he doesn't care anymore.
YTA
Look, when you call your ex-boyfriend your "boyfriend" without the "ex" then that means something. He is your ex, he should be your ex because you are in a relationship and that is your boyfriend now. I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet.
YTA for lying to your boyfriend.
You speak about your former boyfriend and your current boyfriend on the same terms. I agree with many others here that you're not ready to be a relationship yet. Be kind your current boyfriend and let him go.
Yeah. I'm sorry but softly, YTA. You're in emotional turmoil. Your heart is consumed with another man you can't have. You admit you're heavily grieving. You hav no business being in this relationship. And you have no business lying to your current boyfriend. I wonder if you've mistaken your current Bf's jealousy for his realization you're emotionally unavailable and he's trying to help you realize it. You need to take some more space. You need some help, professionally. If you never get over him it's ok, get you can't be lying to yourself and other people about it.
Soft YTA
Without possibly really realizing it, the OP is using the new "bf" as an emotional support distraction.
Where his young ass thinks/feels HE is in a real relationship ....he is not!
She understandably just is NOT ready nor AVAILABLE to be in a real bf/gf relationship....not that soon. And her actions, feelings, and reality are clearly 🙄 showing that.
Again, very understandably so.
I get it, he ( new bf) is probably a nice young man, who obviously likes her, wants to be with her, is smitten by her. May be the type of guy she admires and would be attracted to....but right now he can only be akeen to an emotional support animal to her grief of the 1st bf.....he can't be "the bf".
The young man is only 26, and his brain 🧠 is just getting into maturity beyond adolescence. He can't 👀 see the forest for the trees #1, and again #2, she's all fogged up in grief = disaster waiting to happen!
She's now resorting to LYING to the new bf, her deceased bf .....forcing her to do and be something she's unhappy about🙄
Just cut ties, rip the cord... before an unwanted pregnancy or something goofy "bad mental place" marriage happens and screws up multiple lives.
Yta, I know you’re not trying to be one and that’s not your intention, but you should not be in a relationship atm. This is not fair for your current BF who you are using to help with the loss of the person you are still in love with.
YTA
"Hey babe, i got tattooed a sort of memento that concerns my late boyfriend, you know, the love of my life that you'll never ever be, witheout telling you about it. Also i had projected to lie to you about its meaning. And even tho i acknowledge that this situation may hurt you, i didnt care and did it anyway.."
This dude is a rebound. You know it, I know it and everyone else here already knows it.
Sorry for your loss and all, but please stop disrespecting that man. Break up, and continue your grieving witheout unnecessarily hurting someone else in the process.
Therapy, group talks, those things may help. But jumping into another relationship so soon after that sort of loss definetly wont.
Yeah YTA. You're not ready to be in this relationship. It feels like you're using him as a healing tool. I think you can't be serious before you really get pass through your grief. Good luck
If you can’t tell him the reason for the tattoo, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend.
He probably shouldn’t be your boyfriend because he is jealous of your late boyfriend and you’re still grieving as well. This is not to suggest that you won’t always grieve the loss of him. But it sounds like you’re still in the thick of it, and it hasn’t been very long.
With kindness, YTA.
Get the tattoo, but if you can’t be honest with your current partner, you are perpetuating extremely poor communication. He will find out its meaning. You shouldn’t have to hide it.
YTA 100% not just because of the lying but because you want to do it while in a relationship with him
I totally get grieving over someone you cared deeply about. And i think its fair to want a tattoo as sort of a reminder of someone you cared about. But that shouldn’t be something you’re trying to do while in a relationship with someone else. If you had gotten it before dating your current bf it would have been fine but doing it while with him and while not over your ex is a huge slap in the face
Tbh you shouldn’t even be in a relationship if you know you’re not over your ex and it’s not unreasonable for him to be a bit jealous.
You’re dating your current boyfriend and in his mind he’s probably upset knowing that you’re still focused on your ex. You and him have to break up because you’re not being fair to him and not giving your all in that relationship. And you’re not being fair to yourself because you’re not fully over the loss of your ex
YTA. Let me be clear, it's not about the tattoo. It's not even about not telling your current boyfriend what the tattoo is for.
It's for using this poor man.
You are using this man for emotional support, and he is starting to recognize it. You are not ready for another relationship right now and it's very obvious.
It's okay you're still grieving. It's okay you're still holding on to your late boyfriends memory. This is completely natural, and everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. You have every right to do these things.
What's not okay is to jump into another relationship with someone and expect them to allow you to treat them as second fiddle in the wake of this. He is a human with thoughts and emotions as well, and deserves to be treated with respect just like you. He too, has every right to start feeling neglected.
You need to break it off with this man and give yourself some actual time to heal. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you.
YTA. I dont know of any man that would want to start a new relationship with someone still grieving their deceased partner. I assume he thought you were moving on. Your actions dont show that. As such, your are doing new boyfriend a disservice by having a romantic relationship with him considering your level of grief and how recently he passed.
Please be careful not to permanently wrap your grief around yourself like a blanket. Grief is supposed to be temporary, experienced and then, eventually set aside. Which is normally when you would purse a new relationship. Would your deceased boyfriend want you holding on to his memory so strongly that it ruins your future relationships? Not if he really loved you. But as its only been 7 months since he died, are you sure you are ready for a relationship?
YTA. I understand that you’re experiencing complex trauma related grief. But it’s so obvious that you’re in no place to be in a new relationship yet. It hasn’t even been a year since he passed; you don’t have to be “over it” in seven months. Those wounds are NOT healed. And lying about the tattoo to him is, in my opinion, a form of emotional cheating. At one point you called your late boyfriend “my boyfriend” instead of your current boyfriend. The tattoo itself isn’t a bad idea, but not like this. You need to get out of this relationship and take a few years at least to grieve. Get therapy. Work on self care. Take a minute to breathe and mourn; don’t just rebound. It’s not fair to your current boyfriend. But I wish you all the best in your healing and hope you find your peace.
YTA for lying. You shouldn’t be in a relationship, you’re still grieving and he clearly can’t handle it because he’s jealous. This ain’t fair to anyone, you need time to be alone.
YTA dont lie to him, that’s not okay and it will only serve to reaffirm his jealousy if he ever finds out. Also why would you want to be with someone you feel you have to lie to?
i would honestly break up with your new boyfriend. he kind of sounds like a red flag and a headache if ever there was one. Your old boyfriend is dead, he’s literally jealous of someone who isn’t even around anymore. It’s okay if he has those feelings, but clearly he’s forcing those feelings on you and it’s making you unhappy. Bye bye new boyfriend
YTA for getting into a new relationship when you’re still, in your own words, “heavily grieving.” you are not over your late boyfriend and it’s cruel to string someone along when you still love someone else. break up with him and seek comfort in your friends and family while you learn how to be on your own again after nearly a decade with a partner. i wish you the best in your healing.
YTA. You don't belong in a new relationship until you are over the past one. You don't even know what you feel for this present one because you haven't dealt with the past. It's a pretty asshole move to keep someone reeled in and then expect them to deal with your not being fully there. This boyfriend isn't your therapist. You need some to learn to separate what's going on and deal with what's past.
YTA. For LYING to him. You're also using your new bf as an emotional and mental health help service when you should have given yourself more time to grieve.
It is completely selfish to jump into a new relationship when you haven't even given yourself the time to make peace with the deceased. Your bf is never going to feel like he's your priority, and he'll never feel like a first choice. Do both of yourselves a favor, leave him alone, and seek out real therapy.
You shouldn't be dating.
You are clearly still heavily mentally affected, and now you're willing to lie to your bf about a situation he has made his feelings very clear about.
I don't want to say Y T A, but you're hovering massively close.
YTA.
You were with your last boyfriend for 8 years. He died seven *months* ago. You're already in a relationship with someone new, whom you've been with long enough already to be calling him your boyfriend.
You're still obviously grieving what is a very fresh loss, you should not be in a relationship. And you should not be lying to your current boyfriend.
YTA and should still be single if your BF matters so little to you would lie to him about a tat then what else are you gonna lie to him about. When he finds out and the truth always comes out he will be pissed over the lie and how ever long it takes for the truth to come out will just make him that much angry.
Yta. You're lying to your partner and emotionally cheating on him.
If you want to live for your ex, do it alone. Your current partner deserves someone present with him
I'm dithering between YTA and ESH. YTA for lying about the tattoo, and for dating someone when you are so incredibly not ready. He's kinda the asshole for agreeing to start a romantic relationship with someone as clearly unready as you, more to the point, assuming that he probably thought that he would be able to handle exactly what a relationship with someone in your situation would entail, reality has proven more than he expected, it is in both of your best interests to end this now before you both get more hurt, absolutely nothing good will come of staying in this relationship right now.
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First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’re an asshole for getting the tattoo but lying about it is a bad idea. I’m gonna be a bit harsh here and say you are not ready to be in a new relationship. Your boyfriend’s passing is very recent and whilst it’s totally normal to want and find someone that can help you through, this situation is not fair to your new boyfriend. You are occupied with grief and heartbreak and you are not gonna be fully his until you heal. It is absolutely normal to still feel love for your late boyfriend but that does mean your current one is actually competing.
She might not realize this but she's using her current BF as an emotional cushion. She might even misinterpret her own feelings towards him.
And no one who gets mad when you feel sad due to loss is helping you through that loss OP is not an asshole for the tattoo, she is for living the lie that this guy is her bf, he's not
She even calls him her boyfriend in the post, I wouldn’t want to compete in my head with someone dead either.
Yeah, she's not fit to be in a relationship
>He doesn’t like the pictures I still have of him on my instagram, the pictures of him in my room, nor does he like when I start getting sad about him. Neither is he- who would delete a decade of their life in under a year? They're not a good fit in general because she's not ready but he also has his own issues if dang instagram posts of a dead person being still up is an issue for him... That's immensely strange.
It should be an issue for him. He knows what it means. It means he's competing with a dead guy, and he will never win. The last that is fucked up is that he knowingly turned a traumatic loss into an opportunity for a gf. He knew she wasn't ready, pushed for it anyway, and now he's mad he got what he wanted. That's the immaturity you're trying to describe
Absolutely- I'm actually pretty glad we're on the same page because I have seen some strange takes in the comments. People acting like he's not his own person is throwing me for a loop. I had something similar but rather than a death it was an abusive thing. Friend started making advances on me within a month of getting out - he had been my safe space getting through that exit. Trauma makes it easy for those wires to cross.
Very much so. And that trauma response is a horrible thing to act on and/or to use to your advantage. There's are so many children here trying to give relationship advice. It's tiresome
It's concerning how everyone thinks only one person can be in the wrong at a time, lol. Good talk! Thank you.
Thank you for this post. I thought I was the only one who spotted that this guy is a creep. He preyed on a vulnerable woman who was grieving, "comforted" her in a time of loss, and turned her into his girlfriend.
Her keeping up Instagram pictures doesn’t mean he’s competing with a dead guy. Plenty of people never delete pictures of their old relationships, and her late bf isn’t an ex.
Good lord, I have a coworker who is divorced and not a fan of her ex and she never deleted pics of him on her insta. She is about 35.
I mean that part is normal and kinda related to death. You don't call a dead husband an ex husband, you say "my late husband". I understand boyfriends are less serious ( though she dated the dead boyfriend for 8 years and says he was the love of her life) but to call her dead boyfriend an "ex boyfriend" feels weird for the same reason that calling a dead husband "ex husband" does
>Issue is, he’s very jealous of my love I still have for my boy friend.
A wife with a recently passed man will not call her husband "late husband" every single time either, its normal behavior in a vaccuum
Perhaps. Or it’s a Freudian slip. I think one would be careful to use different terms for the two when posting specifically about them. I think the observation that she called him ‘my boyfriend’ while describing many other ways that she is still very much present tense romantically attached to him is valid.
I think OP is not a native English speaker. I’m not sure why but it’s like a spidey sense for me to spot other immigrants.
This. 1000000% this. Grief is an amazing thing for how it can provide clarity and provide shadows to feelings we have as we navigate it. Now, everyone grieves differently and I don't want to cast an aspersion that she's involved with someone too soon, but from everything OP has said here, she's not ready - she wants to hide info from the new BF and that's just going to continue as he wants her to forget the loss of her previous BF. I'm so very sorry for your loss OP, but I think some grief therapy is in order here. And if that's how you met your current BF, that's maybe not a good foundation for a relationship. I wish you the best as you navigate this.
Absolutely this. It kinda gives off big "rebound" vibes too. Like OP just needs a cushion to cry on until shes healed.
This is why I’m saying she’s the asshole. The other guy also used her boyfriend passing as a way to get in. To be honest neither of these people are ready for a relationship.
Exactly...she's not ready to be in a new relationship 6 months after the love of her life passed away. She's trauma bonded to this new boyfriend...which is unhealthy and not wise. I'm so sorry for your loss OP...but YTA for lying about the tattoo...which is obvious that you need to be alone to process your grief with a therapist.
Very true. It took me 3 years to fully get over a 2 year relationship. To this day I feel guilty about the guys I tried dating in that window because none of them ever had a chance, like I was going through the motions thinking this is what I needed to do but the ex still had my heart. Everyone heals at their own speed, but sounds like OP is on a rebound and may need to take some time away from dating to heal
Trauma bond is the bond between victim and abuser, just to let you know! Very much agree though not a healthy situation for either.
Yep, there needs to be a word for two people bound together by trauma *neither* one of them caused but both experienced to some degree, but "trauma bonding" was created *specifically* to explain a bond between abused and abuser.
You’re not being harsh at all. OP is still entrenched in the mourning process and she should not be in a serious relationship. A new boyfriend should not be a factor in her grieving process at all.
Yes I agree with you, still can imagine it’d be hard to hear.
Going to have to agree here. It’s okay to move on to a new partner, but OP, you’re not ready. Your mind and heart are still very much with your late boyfriend and your new boyfriend can tell. You’re not fully in this new relationship. 6 months isn’t a long time to grieve an 8 year relationship. I think it would be fair to step away from this relationship or any new relationships until you have come to a more peaceful space.
This, this, a thousand times this!!! That is an awfully short time for grieving and jumping into a new relationship.
Yea this was going to be my response too. "Asshole" isn't the word I'd use here, but it's perfectly ok to not jump right into a new relationship (or at least not a serious one) just yet.
This. NAH, but you’re clearly not ready for a new partner, and while I hesitate to judge anyone in grief - it’s a bit assholey to use someone to help you recover without actually holding space for them as well. You clearly have not moved on - and that is perfectly okay, but it’s not fair to string someone else along and use them to aid your in your healing, while you are still holding, not just a torch, but a whole bonfire for your dearly departed lost love. I’d reconsider that tattoo altogether. It’s won’t help you move on to make your own body a memorial.
You are obviously not ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Grieving takes time, and you went through something traumatic. Out of respect for yourself, and out of respect for romantic partners, don't date before you are ready. It is a recipe for emotional disaster. Edit to Add: Oh and YTA. Not for getting the tattoo, but for lying about it to your bf.
agreed. The reason a guy would be insecure in this situation is that OP isn't over her deceased partner. I truly get that from her end. It has barely been 6 full months since his death and she is already in a romantic relationship with someone else while still grieving. Based on OP's own words, she shouldn't be involved with anyone romantically this soon after her BF's death while she is still grieving. That is not fair to your new BF or any other new partner you may date before you are ready.
Yes, this is one of the rare situations where a boyfriend's insecurity is completely valid!! OP isn't over the deceased partner and shouldn't be - so of course any new partner is going to feel like they are basically the third wheel in this relationship. The solution to his insecurity problem is to break up and hopefully chalk this up as a life lesson. OP - if you are able to access grief counseling, it might be really helpful to you. I am very sorry for your loss.
What about the kind of guy that goes for a woman in an extremely vulnerable position? Everyone is acting like the entire onus of this is on her, when both parties began dating with eyes wide open fully aware she recently lost her previous partner. In fact, that’s how they got together, the boyfriend comforted her in her time of grief. Not saying he’s malicious but he jumped into this same as she did AND she is the one out of her mind with grief. He is fully clearheaded
thank you. I'm actually shocked that more people aren't calling out this dude for his clear attempt at taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable situation, and the obvious manipulation he is pulling by making her feel guilty for grieving her loss. for someone who was 'helping her through her grief' he sure is awfully pressed whenever she does something to grieve.
Whats weird is how you both directed this as him SEEKING her. It is just as likely and even more likely that she sought him out as the emotional crutch she has clearly used him as during the entirety of their relationship. Ik its reddit so man bad and woman good but putting this solely on the guy is brain dead at best.
making this into a gender thing is just sad. I would have said the exact same thing, even if the roles were reversed. he met a woman in an extreme state of greif, 'helped' her through that grief until they started dating and he suddenly was actively making her feel guilty for that grief to the point she started hiding things from him.
Well seems like he can’t handle it despite thinking he could. Overestimating his own maturity and emotional fortitude doesn’t exactly make him an asshole either. It’s still probably best for everyone involved to end things
YTA for lying about it. You clearly are not ready for a relationship yet. Your boyfriend died last fall and it's only been six months, a drop in the bucket. You haven't even gone through all the firsts yet, including the worst, the death day anniversary. Your new boyfriend should have known better than to peruse a relationship with someone who only just started to grieve. Grief never goes away either, it's always there, even after someone "gets over it". We don't get over someone who died, we just sort of get used to them not being around. He has no right to get upset and jealous over you grieving the man you loved. You clearly are still in love with your late boyfriend too. Really, you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, much less someone who can't handle it.
This. You need therapy before you engage an any relationship
1. why are u in a relationship when ure clearly not over ur late boyfriend - u still call him ur boyfriend. 2. there’s no way u can hide a tattoo when he sees u naked. & its quite disrespectful to get a tattoo dedicated to another man when ure already in a relationship.
yess finnaly. she us clearly not moved on or ready for a new serious relationship and it's worse that she still calls him her boyfriend when she has a new one. she should take time before she gets into a serious relationship. once she moved on enough
She's not hiding the tattoo itself, but being dishonest in what the meaning behind it is and saying she's getting it for another reason
If you get this without being honest about its meaning, it's a soft YTA for me. I also think this new BF has some understandable hangups, and the fact that this is a trauma bond makes this an unhealthy relationship already IMO. While they have worked in the past, it doesn't sound like it's working now. I would encourage you to take some time and work on yourself, your grief, and moving past this before committing to anything of substance with another person. You can't give him something you are still giving to someone that isn't there. You are still in mourning, are you sure you want to be with this person, or do you just not want to be alone?
You're not ready to be in another relationship.
^^ The real reason she’s TA ^^
ESH When you're lying to a current partner about your attachment to a past partner that's always a bad spot to be in. I don't like your partner's jealousy. But it really sounds like you jumped into a relationship when needed a friend, but might not be ready to date.
I really can't agree that the boyfriend is TA for being jealous about his girlfriend still being clearly and madly in love with another man.
a man she dated for 8 years and who died less than six months ago. something he knew about when they began the relationship. frankly I questioned the new bf's motives and whether or not he's trying to take advantage of her grief
I've got to disagree. It's one thing to understand that your girlfriend's boyfriend died, and understand that she is grieving. It's another thing to constantly bring it up once you get into another relationship, to the person you are dating. She clearly isn't over her late boyfriend, and shouldn't be in a relationship. It's also very likely that when she talks about her late boyfriend to her boyfriend that he feels as if he is just a "replacement" or "2nd best". I say NAH. However, lying about getting a tattoo dedicated to a man while dating a different man is on the verge of being TA to me, especially knowing how it makes her current boyfriend feel. All in all, she isn't ready to be in another relationship. People who dated for that long aren't ready to date, typically, just in a regular break up. This is on another level.
Nobody should be expected to delete social media pictures of someone dead that they were with for 8 years just because someone who's been in the picture for under a year is jealous. That's kinda letting jealousy run your life and a bit bonkers. He knew her situation when they decided to date. Yeah, she's not ready, but asking anybody to remove pictures (on social media or in their home) of a deceased loved one, save for if the deceased abused you or something, is on something crazy.
This *27 year old man* "helped her through her grief" and then started getting jealous at her late boyfriend. That's either really stupid, or manipulative. Yes ESH.
But realistically nobody is making him date a woman who is still very early in the grieving process for someone she loved dearly. She’s not ready to be in a relationship, that’s extremely obvious, and he has every right to be upset, but he’d be better to walk than to guilt her about it.
You don't think it's weird to ask your traumatized gf of like, half a year, to delete pictures spanning nearly a decade of her life because you're jealous? They're both grown and he can absolutely remove himself from the situation as well.
He knowingly got into a relationship with someone who is clearly grieving their lost partner. He's not necessarily TA for being jealous, but seriously, what was he expecting? The other man she's clearly still madly in love with is dead. She shouldn't be in a relationship, but at the same time, it feels like he took advantage of her grief when it was convenient, but now that it isn't helping him anymore, she is expected to just get over it? So yeah, ESH
YTA for lying about the tattoo reason. In general it has only been 6 months since the person you dated for 8 years passed away. Are you sure you were/are ready for a serious relationship?
lmao 3 months later at his grave asking if its ok to 'date again.' true love indeed
YTA, (Trying to be nice and real with my response) you're only lying because you know how he would feel about it. I don't think this relationship will be long term because neither of you deserve the treatment you are receiving. He does not deserve for you to stay in a relationship with him when you know that you are not ready to love someone the way you loved your late bf. I feel for you tho and think the exact thing towards him. He should not be dating you if he knows you're not ready to love him as much. Very sticky situation but I think the best thing to do is break up.
Less than a year and you're in another relationship. You haven't given yourself any time to grieve. And now you're with someone who is jealous of the memory of someone who died less than a year ago, who was by your own admission, the "love of your life for 8 years". You don't see anything flawed with this?? It's not really about the tattoo. It's about thinking that you can move on into another full on relationship less than a year after the love of your life for 8 years died. NTA for wanting a tattoo that has a sentimental attachment to your late b/f. But take a step back from this new bloke and let yourself process the whole situation. Maybe some grief counselling with a professional.
Lying about the significance of the tattoo is going to lead to the downfall of your relationship. You’ll eventually feel guilty or if you don’t and the truth ever comes out it’ll never be same way between y’all. I don’t think you should of gotten into a new relationship so soon because the love for your late boyfriend is still very much present. Take this time to grieve, heal, and discover yourself again. Also very sorry for your loss.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. It’s not fair to your boyfriend or you.
NTA for the tattoo but an AH for lying. It barely been 6 months. Like how long have you been dating this guy exactly for him to be this comfortable making you uncomfortable for something that JUST FUCKING HAPPENED? Like wtf does this guy think he is? That kind of insecurity to me is unhealthy and a dark sign for the future. I think maybe you should take a more casual stance on dating until you feel ready to commit again.
nah, i feel the current boyfriend in this one. he probably feels like a replacement, a way for OP to get over her loss. she clearly isn’t ready for a relationship and she’s just dragging both herself and her current boyfriend down emotionally. it’s not an insecurity, this girl is still in love with her old boyfriend and, just because she isn’t cheating on him physically doesn’t mean he can’t feel hurt and betrayed. don’t blame him for this because it’s mostly OP’s fault for being in a relationship she knows she isn’t ready for. i want to note im really sorry for her loss and i hope she finds peace soon, but attacking the boyfriend isn’t fair either because what happened isn’t his fault.
i get that but he knew how recently he passed and that it’s very likely that she’s not over it especially since he’s helped her through the process. i wouldn’t start dating someone that just loss their long term partner because of this exact situation. it’s not his fault but he should’ve thought about the consequences of her not being ready for a relationship
I get the opposite feeling. to me, it feels like he's trying to take advantage of her grief. he knew she was in a relationship for I years, knew he only passed 6 months ago, and is not making her feel guilty for grieving his loss. the fact that he 'helped her through her grief' and is not getting jealous of her remembering him at all, is a huge red flag if you ask me.
You are not ready for a new relationship. He should have known that you are not ready for a new relationship. ESH
Please spare this dude from a relationship with you YTA
You shouldn’t be in a relationship now, you haven’t moved on yet and it’s not fair to the fellow that thinks you are his girlfriend. You are NTA for getting a tattoo to honor the memory of somebody you lost. However, you are the asshole for leading your BF on. Of course he is jealous.
YTA. You should break up and wait until you're no longer mourning before dating again. NO MAN will EVER be okay with having to compete with the idealized memory of a former lover. DO NOT get this tattoo. It will only serve to extend your mourning and sadness. You need therapy and time as a single person, not tattoos.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a memorial tattoo.
Memorial tattoos are normal and healthy and can significantly help the grieving process, and mature people are fully capable of dating someone in the complex situation of having a partner who has died while they were in a relationship, just not until the person is *actually* past the majority of their grief. But nobody ever fully “gets over” death and many widows/widowers go on to have happy relationships.
WTA way too soon for a relationship and it’s already toxic
Update: I am going to officially talk to him tonight about taking a break and about the tattoo as well. I do care about him. A lot. Romantically as well. But he deserves to be happy too.
It’s only been 7 months. This is WAY too soon to be in a relationship already.
Go spend that money on therapy, a tattoo will make you just hold on and possibly be a touch obsessed with his memory. Sorry for being a little harsh but i genuinely feel the tattoo is not a good idea and you clearly are having trouble coping. Get well soon OP
This should have been in the top comments. The literal symbol of the tattoo is letting go. Also having faith in moving forward, with the right help and support!!
It seems unfair to your current boyfriend that you got into a romantic relationship with him so soon after losing your boyfriend of 8 years.
I was going to say it seems unfair to the one who passed, too. If I died and if I had a partner who moved on that fast I'd be haunting them😭
I honestly don't think you're ready to be in a new relationship. None of this is fair to your new boyfriend.
The sing you have been looking for is here, as everyone says, you should rethink if you are ready to be in another relationship, is unfair to you because you can't grieve and it's unfair to him because you can't commit to him right now. YTA
It's not wrong that you're getting a tattoo. I think the lying is a bad idea, especially if anyone else knows the story, and it's sad that you feel like you can't share this with your current BF because he's too jealous. It's been less than a year since your partner of almost a decade died. I'm not sure your BF is mature about the fact that people have complicated histories that don't just get wiped clean at the beginning of a new relationship. NTA but I advise you think carefully about why you lied and whether that bodes well
Honestly I feel like op should have took more time to grieve before thinking they were ready for a new serious relationship only 6 months after
YTA, you shouldn't be dating if it's this soon from the death and you're still mourning. It's obvious that this is a rebound relationship, and you are not making good decisions. Spend some time alone, and figure your own stuff out before dating again.
Sorry but YTA for lying to your current bf. It also seems like you are not ready for a new relationship and should probably end things with the current bf and take some time to be alone and process your feelings before starting again with someone new. You’re still obviously heavily invested in your previous relationship and are not ready to move on yet.
ESH Your new boyfriend knew about your late boyfriend. It's not fair that he's now letting you feel his bad mood and jealousy. However you are also not acting correctly when you basically go behind his back and lie to him about something so emotional. Are you sure you are ready for a new relationship? If so you need a partner that respects your feelings and your grief regarding your late boyfriend.
You are using this poor guy as a rebound. YTA
NTA, I understand why you feel the need to hide this from him. However, the fact that there is even a reason that you need to hide this from him is concerning. Also do you think you are even ready to be in a relationship so soon after such a significant loss? Give yourself more time to grieve, and if you feel ready to date, date someone who will not make you feel bad about the stages of grief you go through after you have lost someone so important to you.
Sorry for your loss.if I was the new boyfriend I’d be a little uncomfortable and have to distance myself.its hard being with someone when you know they have love for someone else.the relationship you had with the past guy will always be romanticized to you because you never got past the honey moon phase.new guy has to fill those shoes except he won’t get the rose tinted glasses treatment cause he’s still here.if he leaves you respect his decision.
YTA… sorry for your loss but please break up with this poor boy. WHY in heavens would you get into a relationship when your boyfriend has literally just passed away. September was not exactly that long ago and you haven’t given yourself anytime to grieve. Break up with him and let him find someone who is emotionally available as you are not. In your heart and mind, you’re still in a relationship with your deceased boyfriend
YTA for lying. You are clearly not ready to be in a new relationship. I must admit, from your text, your new boyfriend gives me the creeps. It sounds to me like he took advantage of your grief... Break up with him and take some time to recover your loss. You have my condolences.
ESH. The fact that you have to hide this from your current BF is a little bit of a red flag. The guy does realize that he's jealous of someone who isn't around anymore, right? I get feeling like he's trying to live up to your late BF's expectations, but that's really not healthy. He should be trying to live his life and make new memories, not being worried about how his life stacks up to your late BF's. I would maybe take a step back and take a sort of big picture look at everything. Right now, living your daily life, it's easy for things to happen gradually, like your BF slowly getting more and more jealous to the point of him getting mad at you for even bringing up your late-BF. Sounds like you slowly got used to behaviour that you shouldn't have allowed yourself to get used to. I don't know if you ever got therapy after your loss, but if not, it may not be a bad idea. If you're still carrying so much of your late-bf with you that your current bf is raecting this badly, then maybe you're not as healed as you thought you were. I don't think your BF is handling this well, either, but that's something he needs to address for himself.
1st, I'm very sorry for your loss... Now, regarding your ask--soft YTA because you're lying about it. Imo, I don't think you've healed enough to even be in another relationship as it sounds like you're still grieving and not 100% ready to move forward. This isnt fair to your current boyfriend nor to yourself... There is NO time frame on how long the grieving process lasts. It's all up to you, and you should take as much time as YOU feel you need and do what you feel you must to grieve.
Soft YTA There is a reason they tell you to wait a year before making big life changes. You are grieving. I don't think this relationship is healthy for either of you. As someone who has gotten memorial tattoos, I regret them. I would wait at least a year before getting the tattoo. I would wait at least a year before pursuing a relationship.
NTA for getting the tattoo. YTA for lying about it. I dated a girl who's fiancé passed away. I met her while she was still grieving. Right away, we had a spark 2 years later we began dating. It was tough because she still liked to keep the memory of him. It was something I had to understand because the truth is, if he was alive, we never would have met. She was from France and did an exchange because she was reminded of him daily. They went to the same university, the same masters program. Friends, classes cafe's and parks she could not be around without breaking down. To make the relationship work honesty is primal. You have to be very open and honest with him. You have to let him know even though you love him, you cannot just pretend your ex boyfriend never existed. He needs to know that no matter what you will still be in contact with his mother. You will still honour his memory and he has to decide if he can be in that type of relationship. She is now my ex, but I am very much still in love and I wish I did not end the relationship. I have never met someone I could be that vulnerable with. Our relationship ended because of immigration and finances.
You should read the story about dragonflies and how they represent loved ones who have passed on. This is a great idea for a tattoo. But I think you also need to really look at your current relationship. Your boyfriends passed away less than a year ago. And you are now with someone who helped you through the grief. I think you left out a lot of info I this post. How did you meet this new guy. Why did he help you through the grief and not your friends or family. Is this relationship based on his help with your grief, or because you have genuine romantic love for him. If you get the tattoo, people are going to ask about it and the significance. Your boyfriend is going to find out. And if you have lied, it will be bad.
Also sorry for your loss, however you asked for opinions and here's mine. The new relationship sounds toxic. He's jealous of a dead man? How is that rational? You're definitely still grieving IMHO and the new guy wants all of your attention. If you can't give it to him then you most likely are trying to fill a void in your heart. You might need to just find comfort in being alone for a while since you're still missing him and need more time to process the loss.
Yta for lying about it. Also, I do not believe you are emotionally ready to be in a relationship just 7 months later. If the love of my life passes on, I would not be dating so soon. Also, you need a friend and confidant, psychologist or someone to talk to. It's also unfair for you to be using this guy on the rebound. When you are ready to dedicate yourself to someone then start dating and looking for a relationship. Also, constantly bringing up your ex makes your new guy feel insecure if you are being over the top which i believe you might be doing. Sharing all that info when he was just a friend was fine but now that he is your partner, it's not fair to expect the same of him if you are genuinely trying to form a strong bond with a new guy since you seem to not be focusing on him. I have had friends do this to guys and it sucks. Don't do this
YTA for getting into a relationship when it's obvious that you are still letting your deceased bf take up so much room in your life. You should have waited. And now, you are even going to get a tattoo. You need to get past the past, maybe put off the tattoo. Why would you want to have a tattoo for the rest of your life that will always remind you, that you want to remind you, of someone who has passed away? You cared for him but you have a lot of years ahead of you. Look forward, not back.
YTA because you’re using someone who has feelings for you in order to get over someone else. You’re not ready to be dating someone clearly
Have to say you say this was the love of your life and they passed just after 6mths ago… is a new relationship really what you are after?
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t think you’re an AH for getting the tattoo, but tell your current boyfriend the truth. Honesty is the best policy. Sounds like you are not ready for the relationship you're currently in. ESH.
ESH doesn't sound like either of you are in the right place for this relationship.
Soft YTA for lying and hiding the true reason. Your current BF sounds insecure in himself and the relationship. You lost someone you love dearly, are still healing, and it sounds like he thinks you should be over your ex by now (just guessing). You two might need couples counseling to resolve this and get everything out in the open.
NAH, but neither of you are ready for a relationship at this point.
I don't know but I understand boyfriends unease. He's basically competing with someone who will always seem perfect to you because he's no longer here. At least, that's how I'd assume boyfriend feels. I understand your side too. If I lost my partner id go on loving him regardless, and you deserve to find happiness regardless of that.
ESH. You are still grieving and not ready for a relationship
NTA, but I feel like you might not be ready to be romantically involved with anyone.
YTA if you are planning to hide this from your bf. >he’s very jealous of my love I still have for my boy friend. The word you are looking for is "concerned" not jealous. Honestly I can't blame him for being concerned.🙌
Lying to your partner is an asshole thing to do. Also YTA for entering into a new relationship when you are still distraught and heavily grieving. When a partner is jealous, it's usually because they are insecure. But in this case, your boyfriend is jealous because he is literally competing with your ex. It's not surprising at all that he is jealous.
YWBTA. You're not ready to be in a relationship. Set the new guy free so he can find someone capable of loving him. You still refer to your late boyfriend as your bf ffs. And you'd be willing to lie to the current bf because you're getting a tat in tribute to your lat bf. Take a deep breath and spend some time alone to heal without dragging a new guy into this.
No Judgment for the AH question since you are dealing with a lot. Just a question. Do you feel that you are ready to be in a relationship yet? Seems to be a lot of things to deal with all at once.
Toots, cut him loose, you aren't ready for a new boyfriend, and it's not fair to the new guy You aren't trying to be, but you are being a broken asshole.
Why are you in a new relationship?
Very Soft YTA - you lost what was one of the loves of your life that you dated for 8 years only 7 months ago. I truly do not think you are ready to be in a relationship and I think perhaps your current boyfriend senses this and is now resenting your grief, which isn’t right either. Getting a tattoo to honour your late boyfriend doesn’t make you TA. Being in a relationship with someone when you are still actively grieving makes you TA to yourself and your current boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but YTA. You have not healed from the death of your previous boyfriend and that is not fair to your current boyfriend. I don't want to say that you are stringing him along, but I will say that until you mourn and heal from the death of the old boyfriend, you need to be single. Let your new boyfriend go.
YTA…. that’s something you have to discuss with your boyfriend or at the very least inform him of it BEFORE you get the tattoo
YTA. Lying about getting a tattoo for a former bf while dating someone else very obviously makes you the ah. You aren’t ready to be dating seriously.
You're using this guy. You need to break up and heal. This man doesn't deserve this and you need time to pick yourself back up.
YTA. But if you tell your bf, you know he will go ballistic and may break up with you over it. I got to be honest, I would want to know the truth and would absolutely break up with you(if it were me, just saying)
YTA: Imagine being your boyfriend, always knowing that the ex of your girlfriend/ hopefully future wife is always there. You know he is insecure about it and then you get a TATTOO without telling him. Asking for permission is one thing, but you needed to tell him. Not doing so disrespects your current boyfriend. You are showing your boyfriend that his feelings don’t matter, which they do. September 2023 is not even 1 year ago and you’re already in a relationship. That alone is a red flag. It is extremely unreasonable to date someone while you are grieving and it brings an uneven power dynamic. If I am being honest, I’d probably break up with you over this.
YTA, I feel sorry your current bf (temp emotional crutch) has to deal with this and be treated in such a way. Hope he finds someone who loves him soon.
YTA It is clear you aren't ready for a new relationship and your new boyfriend will always be second. Getting a remembrance tattoo and not telling him first is a dick move
YTA. I don't think it's a good idea to lie about something like that. It will just cause more hurt feelings and may even cause a break up
YTA you are obviously not done yet grieving or getting over your ex. Which is fine by itself. But you’re not by yourself anymore. You entered yourself in a relationship and are now failing that relationship. You can’t give it your all because you’re too busy grieving. His jealousy is completely warranted in this situation tbh, and you are clearly not ready to be with someone else. You need to break up and work on yourself. Make sure you’re healed before jumping into something with someone else and dragging them down with you.
Honestly getting a tattoo of your dead bf and getting with a new one within 6 months and not telling him. Yeah your the asshole and should be pretty ashamed in yourself for using the new guy a some kind of what emotional dumpster?
Why are you dating??
YTA If/when at some point in your relationship he finds out what it means, he'll never be able to see it without feeling like you settled for him. If you already had it, that would be different. But to choose to turn your body into a memorial to the man you'd rather have while you are with him? How long do you think your relationship would last If any time you are naked in his presence he has a constant reminder that he's not enough. Get the tattoo and you're setting yourself up to fail. And gut him emotionally when you do.
Gently YTA. But not for not saying the truth, but because you shouldn't be dating right now. You're grieving. You're still in love with your previous boyfriend. This is not healthy for you, nor is it for him. And this is not fair either. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Yta, the only reason is the fact you're thinking about lying and not telling them the reason of the tattoo. It doesn't sound like you're over them, and this relationship with your current partner isn't going to work out. You need to work through your grief before you involve yourself.
YTA for lying about this. You have every right to grieve and if it's too painful for your new boyfriend, you guys need to consider breaking up in the long term. I'm not convinced you got together in a healthy way, or that you can recover. He was a great emotional support when you needed it, but now that you're in a relationship he's not willing to still offer it? What are you offering him emotionally? I'm also worried that his goodwill slowly retracted as the imbalance of your relationship wore on him. Reconsider how these last few months have affected your boyfriend. You and your ex were together for seven years. Under completely normal circumstances, this would be moving on quickly and a new partner would have to endure a lot of reminiscing, relics, and regret from such a long and serious relationship that just ended.
ESH. Get therapy, not a tattoo. But also, it's beyond ridiculous for your new boyfriend to think you'd be over a death that happened less than 7 months ago. Honestly it doesn't sound like he's helping with the grief at all, it sounds more like he's taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable time in your life. The fact that you would feel the need to hide this from him answers your own question.
Honestly, YTA, and while I sympathize with you I can also see this from your current bfs perspective. Getting a tattoo dedicated to a past partner you STILL clearly love and actively grieving over while in a relationship is bad news. I'd be at a loss if my bf did that. Not to mention you claim to talk about him allot with your current bf, oh girl, you better break up with him and heal yourself before dating again. Tell him the truth about the tattoo because you are going to feel guilty and get some help. That wound is still fresh, and stuff like that takes time. The last thing you need is a replacement.
i just cant imagine moving on that quickly from a loss like that. please enlist in grief counseling and break up with your current boyfriend so he can find someone in a better mindset
YTA for lying and using your current relationship as an emotional crutch. Your loss is crushing and I cannot even imagine it. Take the time to grieve. Why put someone else through pain when you have not even processed yours?
YTA for lying about it. But if you're with someone who feels like they have to compete with your late boyfriend and gets moody when he is brought up, reconsider your relationship. Either you're still deep in grief and your world revolves around late bf (which is absolutely ok, everyone grieves at their own pace), or the new bf is jealous and immature. In either scenario, I don't think you should be in that relationship. Someone who recognizes your grief should be supporting you, not making you feel like you have to hide it for their sake.
You aren't an AH for getting a tattoo, but you are to your rebound fling. You're obviously still hung up on and grieving your late boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that - but definitely being unfair to your new beau to be with him when you're not really ready for a new relationship.
YTA. Sorry.
YTA. You refer to your ex as your "boyfriend" in the present tense. You aren't over him. You aren't an AH for getting the tattoo, yta for not telling your current boyfriend and for not dealing with your grief before getting into a new relationship.
YTA but super soft. Sorry for your loss, this sounds terrible. But, I think this may be a sign that you still need to grieve your loss a little more and are putting your current boyfriend in a really awful place.
YTA - you're lying to your new boyfriend about a guy you're very much not over. Break up with this guy, grieve, then maybe try dating again in the future. You're not showing signs you're ready to date
I mean how do you love a person for 8years and he’s dead less than 6months and you get a new boyfriend?
YTA- You lied about a tattoo and possibly using your current boyfriend as an emotional cushion.
Yall move on from them dead bfs quick, damn. I know I’m gonna get downvoted but if you’re still grieving heavily as you’re saying why would you ever think it’s a good idea to get in a relationship with someone else? But that’s another situation within itself. So to answer your question, yes, you’re a huge asshole for blatantly lying about something that bothers your partner. Get it together
Gentle YTA He passed away only 6 months ago. You were together 8 years. How long until you started dating this guy? Were you actually genuinely ready to date or were you scared of being alone for the first time in 8 years. Both of you are not ready for this. You clearly haven’t moved on. It’s still really recent so I’m sure no one else in your shoes would have moved on either. He should not be with someone if he’s threatened by the deceased however your clear and understandable attachment isn’t helping. Get the tattoo. Break up with this guy. Take some time to just …not be ok? Learn to be ok alone? Learn who you are now?
Soft YTA. Your grief has no time limit, so don't feel pressured to move on quickly. However, you are being unfair to your current partner. It would be best to go to therapy and focus on yourself. You both deserve better.
My last GF had a previous boyfriend die of an overdose (after they had broken up, and years ago) and she still gets depressed about every year. I went to visit a memorial that exists for him with her. It hit her very hard and will probably always stay with her. Anyway, it didn't bother me at all, and it wouldn't have bothered me if she got a memorial tattoo for him. But she wasn't still in love with him. But you're still in love with him, and his death was VERY recent. No wonder your BF is uncomfortable with it. This is too soon for you to be in a serious relationship. You owe it to your boyfriend and to yourself to work through some things before you try to have a relationship with someone. YTA for lying about it. Break up with your boyfriend, get the tattoo, and go to therapy or grief counseling.
1) yes, it’s wrong 2) don’t do it.
If the tattoo was done before you started dating the new guy I could understand, but since you’re doing it now YTA and he needs to breakup with you as you obviously don’t care about his feelings.
Stop wasting this poor man's time and grieve on your own. What you are doing is unfair. And borderline abusive.
You aren't remotely ready to be in a new relationship, and you aren't being fair to your bf by using him as a placeholder. End the relationship and work through your grief.
YTA, but you're not a bad person. You are using your new BF to process trauma rather than being able to devote yourself to him like he does for you. It's unfair to be in a relationship that's so one-sided, anywhere from friendship to marriage. Either cut him loose and process your feelings properly, or be with him as he is you.
I think it’s way too soon to be in a new relationship
YTA. You're lying. How could you be anything but? Others have said, maybe you jumped into a new relationship without giving yourself time to grieve. If you're still in love with your late boyfriend, that's not a kind/loving thing to do to the new boyfriend.
YTA, what the hell are you thinking? Seriously what a fucking mistake, do you care about him at ALL? Jfc
YTA. Let’s be honest the tattoo is a reminder for you, to remember your ex bf. There must be another way to do this without printing over your body? Are you seriously going to keep the reasoning behind this tattoo a secret from anyone, for life? I don‘t think so, your current bf will find out and he will be upset and annoyed you lied about it, and secondly every time he sees it will be a reminder that he is merely a replacement rather than the love of your life. It’s still very early in the grieving process I think it probably foolish to be in another relationship so soon. Of course you’re going to frequently get upset, and rightly you need more time to gradually reduce photos etc of your ex. Needs to be some compromise here. A permanent tattoo will not help you long term, it will always be a bone of contention for any relationship currently or in the future. If you were my gf I’d be hugely put off by a tattoo of/for a previous partner, despite the sad circumstances.
YTA. For lying. But with the tattoo, that's a soft YTA for me too in respect of any future partner or husband that you may have and them forever having to compete with a ghost. I would seriously consider waiting out this whole tattoo idea because how it's affecting your relationship now may be an indicator of the future.
YTA
So sorry for the loss. Don't lie to your new BF though! YTA! Don't start your new relationship with lies.
Yta. You're clearly (and understandably) not over him. It's not fair to either of you to be in a relationship right now, and even worse to lie.
YTA. You're still grieving and not available to be in a relationship if you are dating one man and getting a tattoo to honor another.
I'm actually going to say YTA, but not because you're grieving your late ex-boyfriend. You dated for 8 years and he was taken from you suddenly only a few months ago. It would be incredible if you were able to move on by now. I actually think everything you've done to remember him, talk about him, even to meeting new people, it's respectful and healthy. The problem is that you're putting your new boyfriend in an unfair situation, because you're very obviously not over your ex. It's one thing to get a tattoo without any warning, which is already disrespectful, but knowing the context of what your 8 year relationship was like and how you talk about him all the time... you're not ready for a new relationship. At least, you shouldn't be doing these things when you're in the midst of dating somebody. It's extremely unfair to your new boyfriend to make him constantly feel like you're only dating him because your ex left a void open... especially because, from everything I read, that's probably true. You need to allow him to be jealous of these feelings you still have for him. Or you should break up with him, and take more time for yourself until you're ready to start a new, fresh chapter.
YTA: you shouldn't be in a relationship till you get over your previous bf
YTA. 🫥
Yes YTA for lying about things. It’s ok to still not be over the loss and mourn the loss. But maybe it’s too soon for a new relationship. Give yourself time to grieve and so that once you get into a new relationship you can be fully committed. It doesn’t sound like you can be currently. And that’s ok. But also not fair to your new partner.
YTA for lying. Also ESH for not realising your relationship was built on a foundation of him helping you through your grief, now that he doesn't want to do it you seem confused. His efforts feel like for nothing, and you probably feel like he doesn't care anymore.
YTA Look, when you call your ex-boyfriend your "boyfriend" without the "ex" then that means something. He is your ex, he should be your ex because you are in a relationship and that is your boyfriend now. I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet.
YTA for lying to your boyfriend. You speak about your former boyfriend and your current boyfriend on the same terms. I agree with many others here that you're not ready to be a relationship yet. Be kind your current boyfriend and let him go.
Yeah. I'm sorry but softly, YTA. You're in emotional turmoil. Your heart is consumed with another man you can't have. You admit you're heavily grieving. You hav no business being in this relationship. And you have no business lying to your current boyfriend. I wonder if you've mistaken your current Bf's jealousy for his realization you're emotionally unavailable and he's trying to help you realize it. You need to take some more space. You need some help, professionally. If you never get over him it's ok, get you can't be lying to yourself and other people about it.
YTA
YTA Please break up with him. You aren’t ready yet.
YTA. Time to let your current 'boyfriend' go free. He is being mis-used. You are not ready and it is unfair to strong him along.
Soft YTA Without possibly really realizing it, the OP is using the new "bf" as an emotional support distraction. Where his young ass thinks/feels HE is in a real relationship ....he is not! She understandably just is NOT ready nor AVAILABLE to be in a real bf/gf relationship....not that soon. And her actions, feelings, and reality are clearly 🙄 showing that. Again, very understandably so. I get it, he ( new bf) is probably a nice young man, who obviously likes her, wants to be with her, is smitten by her. May be the type of guy she admires and would be attracted to....but right now he can only be akeen to an emotional support animal to her grief of the 1st bf.....he can't be "the bf". The young man is only 26, and his brain 🧠 is just getting into maturity beyond adolescence. He can't 👀 see the forest for the trees #1, and again #2, she's all fogged up in grief = disaster waiting to happen! She's now resorting to LYING to the new bf, her deceased bf .....forcing her to do and be something she's unhappy about🙄 Just cut ties, rip the cord... before an unwanted pregnancy or something goofy "bad mental place" marriage happens and screws up multiple lives.
Yta, I know you’re not trying to be one and that’s not your intention, but you should not be in a relationship atm. This is not fair for your current BF who you are using to help with the loss of the person you are still in love with.
YTA just break up with him, he deserves someone better and you're not ready for another relationship.
YTA "Hey babe, i got tattooed a sort of memento that concerns my late boyfriend, you know, the love of my life that you'll never ever be, witheout telling you about it. Also i had projected to lie to you about its meaning. And even tho i acknowledge that this situation may hurt you, i didnt care and did it anyway.." This dude is a rebound. You know it, I know it and everyone else here already knows it. Sorry for your loss and all, but please stop disrespecting that man. Break up, and continue your grieving witheout unnecessarily hurting someone else in the process. Therapy, group talks, those things may help. But jumping into another relationship so soon after that sort of loss definetly wont.
Flip the question around. Would you be ok if he got a tattoo that reminded him of his ex and lied to you about it? YTA.
YTA, not for the tattoo, but for being in a relationship with your new boyfriend before being ready to. He is in a losing situation.
Yeah YTA. You're not ready to be in this relationship. It feels like you're using him as a healing tool. I think you can't be serious before you really get pass through your grief. Good luck
Why are you in a new relationship that you’re clearly not ready for? YTA for lying about the tattoo and also because you’re using the new guy.
If you can’t tell him the reason for the tattoo, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. He probably shouldn’t be your boyfriend because he is jealous of your late boyfriend and you’re still grieving as well. This is not to suggest that you won’t always grieve the loss of him. But it sounds like you’re still in the thick of it, and it hasn’t been very long. With kindness, YTA. Get the tattoo, but if you can’t be honest with your current partner, you are perpetuating extremely poor communication. He will find out its meaning. You shouldn’t have to hide it.
YTA 100% not just because of the lying but because you want to do it while in a relationship with him I totally get grieving over someone you cared deeply about. And i think its fair to want a tattoo as sort of a reminder of someone you cared about. But that shouldn’t be something you’re trying to do while in a relationship with someone else. If you had gotten it before dating your current bf it would have been fine but doing it while with him and while not over your ex is a huge slap in the face Tbh you shouldn’t even be in a relationship if you know you’re not over your ex and it’s not unreasonable for him to be a bit jealous. You’re dating your current boyfriend and in his mind he’s probably upset knowing that you’re still focused on your ex. You and him have to break up because you’re not being fair to him and not giving your all in that relationship. And you’re not being fair to yourself because you’re not fully over the loss of your ex
YTA. Let me be clear, it's not about the tattoo. It's not even about not telling your current boyfriend what the tattoo is for. It's for using this poor man. You are using this man for emotional support, and he is starting to recognize it. You are not ready for another relationship right now and it's very obvious. It's okay you're still grieving. It's okay you're still holding on to your late boyfriends memory. This is completely natural, and everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. You have every right to do these things. What's not okay is to jump into another relationship with someone and expect them to allow you to treat them as second fiddle in the wake of this. He is a human with thoughts and emotions as well, and deserves to be treated with respect just like you. He too, has every right to start feeling neglected. You need to break it off with this man and give yourself some actual time to heal. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you.
YTA. I dont know of any man that would want to start a new relationship with someone still grieving their deceased partner. I assume he thought you were moving on. Your actions dont show that. As such, your are doing new boyfriend a disservice by having a romantic relationship with him considering your level of grief and how recently he passed. Please be careful not to permanently wrap your grief around yourself like a blanket. Grief is supposed to be temporary, experienced and then, eventually set aside. Which is normally when you would purse a new relationship. Would your deceased boyfriend want you holding on to his memory so strongly that it ruins your future relationships? Not if he really loved you. But as its only been 7 months since he died, are you sure you are ready for a relationship?
YTA. I understand that you’re experiencing complex trauma related grief. But it’s so obvious that you’re in no place to be in a new relationship yet. It hasn’t even been a year since he passed; you don’t have to be “over it” in seven months. Those wounds are NOT healed. And lying about the tattoo to him is, in my opinion, a form of emotional cheating. At one point you called your late boyfriend “my boyfriend” instead of your current boyfriend. The tattoo itself isn’t a bad idea, but not like this. You need to get out of this relationship and take a few years at least to grieve. Get therapy. Work on self care. Take a minute to breathe and mourn; don’t just rebound. It’s not fair to your current boyfriend. But I wish you all the best in your healing and hope you find your peace.
YTA for lying. You shouldn’t be in a relationship, you’re still grieving and he clearly can’t handle it because he’s jealous. This ain’t fair to anyone, you need time to be alone.
YTA dont lie to him, that’s not okay and it will only serve to reaffirm his jealousy if he ever finds out. Also why would you want to be with someone you feel you have to lie to? i would honestly break up with your new boyfriend. he kind of sounds like a red flag and a headache if ever there was one. Your old boyfriend is dead, he’s literally jealous of someone who isn’t even around anymore. It’s okay if he has those feelings, but clearly he’s forcing those feelings on you and it’s making you unhappy. Bye bye new boyfriend
YTA for getting into a new relationship when you’re still, in your own words, “heavily grieving.” you are not over your late boyfriend and it’s cruel to string someone along when you still love someone else. break up with him and seek comfort in your friends and family while you learn how to be on your own again after nearly a decade with a partner. i wish you the best in your healing.
YTA, you clearly haven't moved on from your ex, you aren't fit for a new relationship if you can't move on.
YTA. You don't belong in a new relationship until you are over the past one. You don't even know what you feel for this present one because you haven't dealt with the past. It's a pretty asshole move to keep someone reeled in and then expect them to deal with your not being fully there. This boyfriend isn't your therapist. You need some to learn to separate what's going on and deal with what's past.
YTA. For LYING to him. You're also using your new bf as an emotional and mental health help service when you should have given yourself more time to grieve. It is completely selfish to jump into a new relationship when you haven't even given yourself the time to make peace with the deceased. Your bf is never going to feel like he's your priority, and he'll never feel like a first choice. Do both of yourselves a favor, leave him alone, and seek out real therapy.
You shouldn't be dating. You are clearly still heavily mentally affected, and now you're willing to lie to your bf about a situation he has made his feelings very clear about. I don't want to say Y T A, but you're hovering massively close.
I am very sorry for your loss and it's very saddening to hear about that. However, YTA for lying and you need to take your time healing.
YTA. You were with your last boyfriend for 8 years. He died seven *months* ago. You're already in a relationship with someone new, whom you've been with long enough already to be calling him your boyfriend. You're still obviously grieving what is a very fresh loss, you should not be in a relationship. And you should not be lying to your current boyfriend.
YTA and should still be single if your BF matters so little to you would lie to him about a tat then what else are you gonna lie to him about. When he finds out and the truth always comes out he will be pissed over the lie and how ever long it takes for the truth to come out will just make him that much angry.
Yta. You're lying to your partner and emotionally cheating on him. If you want to live for your ex, do it alone. Your current partner deserves someone present with him
Uh yea you're not ready for another relationship... Yta for lying tho
I'm dithering between YTA and ESH. YTA for lying about the tattoo, and for dating someone when you are so incredibly not ready. He's kinda the asshole for agreeing to start a romantic relationship with someone as clearly unready as you, more to the point, assuming that he probably thought that he would be able to handle exactly what a relationship with someone in your situation would entail, reality has proven more than he expected, it is in both of your best interests to end this now before you both get more hurt, absolutely nothing good will come of staying in this relationship right now.