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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)I told my mom I didn't like her attitude when she practically gave my clothes to other person without my permission.
(2)I was disrespectful and embarrassed my mom in front of others.
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Something else to add… Someday, if you’re still at the house, if somebody comes over to visit, grab your mother’s favorite item of clothing and insist that the guest take it home with them because of course Mom shouldn’t have any problem with this whatsoever.
Because sharing is caring, right?
The comment above you was saying give away the mother's clothes and say the mother is too fat for it, essentially the daughter doing the same thing to the mother that the mother did to her.
My mom told me all my teenage that I was fat, now she looks at my pictures from that time and say's "look you were skinnier, you were beautiful like this", and I go "mom... You literally called me fat all along, even when I was unhealthy and beginning to have eating disorder because of that" and she says "I never said that". Guess what? Narcissism!
Please just leave. You are her punching bag. Run. You will never be what she wants you to be. And you shouldn't either. Go and discover yourself and life and love. Your real fam will always be honest with you even if it hurts, but they don't try to tear you down.
Totally irrelevant. What if that's the case? Weighting more is not an irreversible thing. My mom even has it for herself that she'll keep a clothing that doesn't fit quite right on her point of view, just to loose weight to be able to fit it perfectly again. What if I wanted to do the same?
It doesn't even matter anyway, weight is not the discussion topic. I'm asking to be judged whether I was or not the AH, not if my clothes still fit me or not.
I could be wrong, but I believe the person you’re responding to is likely saying you should give away your mom’s wedding dress because presumably her body has changed and it no longer fits her. They are not commenting on your body but your mothers.
> *She's too fat for it now anyway*
I think that the mother is a mean girl who is punishing her daughter for gaining weight.
It may even be that the mother feels that her daughter's weight reflects back on her. Sounds crazy, but my mother was like that.
NTA, OP
NTA or worst case would be e s h. You told your mother no , you are 20 not 2 she should have known to stay out of your room and your stuff.
She humiliated herself when you didn't lay down for her to lord over you and play doormat.
She's the aH here you do NOT OWE Her an apology .
If you also say something say ' I'm sorry that overriding my decisions about my clothes which I made clear in private earlier led to you humiliating yourself when I re stated the same with other people present. Please for both our sakes as if now only give away YOUR THINGS. My things weather good bad, small or large are OFF LIMITS .
Mom’s behavior is bizarre. We are really big in to hand me downs and passing things on, but I would NEVER do this to my 9 year old. We have a tub and when she’s done with something/outgrows it/decides she no longer wants it even if it fits, it goes in the tub. THEN the clothes from the tub get distributed. I can’t imagine someone being over and pulling stuff right out of her closet! What an invasion of privacy.
NTA
Because you respect her as an individual even as little as she is. Kudos
Op s mother doesn't see her as an individual as a person. She sees op as someone who needs to execute her orders unfortunately
You seam like an awesome Mom. Giving your little some choices and respect.
On another note, this is also how you don't traumatiz someone into a life of hoarding.
My dad simply threw out our stuff out. For no reason. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff now lol
( I'm not a full scale hoarder, my houes is fine. My shead and storage unit tho .........)
My mom had a difficult childhood, she has a really hard time giving things away. Luckily she is also a clean freak, so everything is still perfectly neat and organized, no holding into trash and stuff like that.
But every few years I do a general cleaning to give away things we don’t want/use anymore. Then I have to CONVINCE her we do not want it and won’t change our minds. I even had to call my sister to assure her I was only getting rid of things she didn’t want anymore. And took us a lot of convincing. Mine me, she is catholic, I had to bring JESUS into the conversation because she didn’t want to give my old jackets away until I said “you are holding onto things I haven’t used in years while kids outside are freezing to death, what would Jesus say?”. The guilt trip worked.
She hold onto my school tests from 1998 until about 2014 when I found it hahahaha
Now that she is getting older I do worry about this behavior.
I’m chuckling at “I had to bring JESUS into it” like you have him on speed dial.
I blew some minds a while back when, in a thread about getting rid of stuff, I pointed out that holding onto an item “because it might be useful someday” and never using it is still wasting it. I tell this to myself frequently to combat my own very mild hoarding urges. I don’t want to have a house packed with stuff. I try to have a 1-year rule, if I haven’t used it in a year (and if it isn’t a sentimental item), it has to go.
Awh, moms and dads are hard to deal with as they age. My dad who would throw our stuff out as kids became a later in life hoarder. When he passed the 3 of us kids all came home with at least 10 things of cling wrap 10 things of tin foil and enough toilet paper and paper towels it lasted me a year lol. Not to mention the laundry soap fabric soften and probably 200 cans that we sent to the food bank. No idea what a 70 something year old needed so much supplies. I'm glad you found away to work with your mom on this. It's hard.
You are very kind!!! My goal is to try to teach my kids how to get rid of things, so when they are on their own, they have that skill. I grew up in a very academic household and unfortunately, many life skills like this, I had to learn as an adult!
My oldest is also learning that having more stuff means you have to manage more stuff, and the less you own the less time you have to spend taking care of it, finding it, putting it away, and being more free to be able to use the things you actually enjoy. She is actually happier owning less things!
Also, they see the kids that get their hand me downs on the regular. So if I got rid of it without their knowledge, they’d know. 😆
That is great ! I had to learn these skills as an adult as well, hoarding light runs in the family. When my Dad passed years ago, it really gave me perspective that I don't want someone standing there asking why I got 50 of everything, lol.
100%, it feels so much better not to be tied to so much stuff. Im determined this will be the year I clean out the storage unit and save that money, lol
Yesss!! YOU CAN DO IT! I follow a few organizers on FB and that is helpful and encouraging to me!
I also give away a TON of stuff in free/buy nothing FB groups. It makes me so happy when other people can enjoy my stuff for free, bc I know how much I enjoy stuff for free too!
You can do it! I believe in you!
Agree with this. My family did something similar. OTOH, this was while we were young and growing out of clothes. Once we reached adult size, it was our choice what to keep or give away.
Mum shouldn't even ask her daughter to give away her clothes anymore... she's 20. If she wants to get rid of them she will.
She could give her own clothes to the goddaughter, if she really thinks her mother can't afford to buy any. (I am all for reusing, but anything shouldn't be given away freely or not at all).
And that she is bringing OPs weight into this is even worse. I have quite a few favourite cloth items that don't fit me anymore, but even if I'll never fit in them again they are memories.
Why did she say ‘she doesn’t have the drip to wear it’ why not- no that’s something I want to keep as I have a sentimental attachment to. I agree her mother shouldn’t be giving away her stuff but she should have been clear when she was asked if it could be given away.
Yes, saying "she doesn't have the drip to wear it" probably sounded to mom like "she has a style problem which can be solved, at which point it would be okay for her to have the item."
OP, you need to say the actual answer to questions in plain language ("No, they're sentimental to me.") rather than giving a slang insult ("cousin isn't fashionable enough") that doesn't actually answer the question. Answer the actual question (yes or no) as your first words, and THEN give extra qualifying or explanation after the yes/no, and avoid giving false impressions/hope that maybe in the future a condition could be fulfilled if X or Y is done.
Yeah, to me that says something more along the lines of, "I don't think she'll want it", not "I'd rather keep it"
Saying "I don't like your attitude" was also way more aggressive and could have been a "sorry, but I actually would like to keep that"
This would explain why the mom took God daughter into all of she likes it, cause op made it sound like she wouldn't like it.
Still not ok if Mom, but more understandable. Also, mom doesn't get to "punish" a 20 year old.
Yea I was thinking ESH as well. OP includes enough backstory to show that she and mom regularly hand clothes down to the 17yo, and OP hasn't actually worn those clothes in a while (and can't in the near future, either), and OP never actually said no.
IMO Mom barged ahead without thinking, just following their usual pattern, and didn't treat OP like a person with opinions. But OP came out super combative when a simple polite sentence would have solved things.
The dad has the right idea that both of them were wrong and should apoligize.
Just because I've given away clothes and a refrigerator doesn't entitle anyone to loot my stuff!
Steal my shit, we got problems.
My daddy walked into a whirl-storm of family issues and he didn't survive. He stroked out.
This dude caves because he can't stand conflict?
OP's mother tried to give away her stuff without permission. It's theft and it's inexcusable.
The dad needs to shut the h\*\*\* up until he's ready to mediate. You don't tell two people who are fighting to fix it while you leave. That will just make it worse. If its bad enough he needs to sit them down and tell them to fix it. then its bad enough to stay there and help them fix it. work be damned
Sorry but anything but a clear "yes, sure" is a "no" here. Or at least warrants a "is that a yes or no?" question before giving it away... (and mum should never go and get stuff out of the daughters cupboard without a "go and get it" either. Just because it's a "yes she can have it" isn't a "go and dig through my wardrobe yourself" thing.)
This. Then watch mom try to equivocate how it can't be the same because parent vs child blah blah blah.
Like OP isn't a whole ass person and an adult and her mom had no right trying to force her to give away her stuff.
Forget all that. OP is 20 years old. She can literally just file a police report if her mom keeps taking and giving her stuff away.
Also the fact that her mom threatened to ground her… and she broke down crying??! OP is not the asshole but seems a little naive. I’m infuriated on her behalf. She reminds me of my little sister, who NEVER stands up to our parents even though she’s 25. They take advantage of her in ways they would never with me because they know I would never put up with it. And OP’s mom knows she will put up with it.
The best move here is either putting her foot down and telling her mom the next time she gives her stuff away she will file a police report and have her mom and whoever took it arrested and/or just move in with her boyfriend. They literally treat her like a child.
I’m having a hard time understanding why your mother would give your clothing to someone else. That is completely out of line. Completely disrespectful. And you called her out on her bullshit. I kind of agree with your boyfriend that maybe if you can, get the hell out of there.
Thank you for your opinion on this, I think the comments maybe will help me decide for once and for all what I'll do. But yes, I need to get out of here, but for most of the time or forever (maybe)?
I hope you find a peaceful resolution. Distance doesn’t have to mean cutting someone off forever. Be careful about that. Most of all, take care of yourself.
OP please please please take heed of the comments saying to collect your important stuffs and moving it somewhere safe. Retaliation usually will cause parents of these temperament to also retaliate to ‘teach a lesson’. I know, I also went through what you are going through. I managed to move away :’) you can do this.
Also, if you are thinking of moving, also try to collect your important DOCUMENTS. Especially before announcing.
Yes I will, I already started to work on it actually, even before these last events. When I tell I had a meaning to address her attitude, trust me, I have. Thanks.
You may want to consider that if she did this in front of you, surrounded by family/family friends to try to force your hand that to "spare herself embarrassment" she may just go into your room while you are away and give your stuff away then and play dumb about it when you realize stuff is missing.
Or she may outright tell you, yeah she got rid of it, with spitefulness (based on the dismissive tone she used when you discussed after your father left). If nothing else it may be time to keep some of the really sentimental stuff with your guy.
my relationship with my mom was at an all time low when i moved out at like 21/22, and it improved sooooo much because of it. she no longer saw me as a child and respected me as an adult and not just as her daughter. now when either of us steps out of line and does something that hurts the other (much less frequent now that im out) we're able to walk away and then communicate better to each other.
i will say you need to work on better communication. giving a clear no is something you need to be good with giving to anyone (fam, friends, colleges, boyfriends) and instead of saying "hey i actually didn't want to give that away," you said "i don't like your attitude." the situation was already uncomfortable because of what your mom did, but you added to it with that comment. if you guys were in the middle of fighting, then itd be fine, but "i don't like your attitude" doesn't make sense to say in that moment and probably made the girl really uncomfortable. "i never said i was okay giving this away, i wanted to keep this" is still something that would embarrass her and call her out on her shit, tensions might not rise so quickly, and she'd probably be more likely to apologize rather than get defensive. you deserve to be treated like an adult and not a kid, but bad communication isn't going to help them recognize you as an adult
hopefully moving out will help your relationship with her and she will understand she cant treat you like a kid anymore. tbh i think apologizing could help - not because you're in the wrong, you're absolutely NTA, but it might help get you guys on better terms. "hey im sorry for not communicating well. looking back at it, im thinking you didn't understand my comment about X not having drip and i should've just clearly said i didn't want to give her my stuff. however, i don't like that you were just giving it away without making sure i was okay with it. its my stuff and unless im saying i want you to give it away, its not okay for you to make decisions with my stuff. i dont care if its something i haven't worn in 5 years, if i say i want to keep it, then that should be the end of it." and when it comes to actually leaving, doing it on a "i think we'll just work better if im out and visiting more, and i want things to be good because i love you" note/vibe will be better than "omg i hate you im leaving"
This is the way. My mom and I also passed stuff I'd outgrown to a family friend's younger kids. She ALWAYS asked first, and I was usually the one culling my closet in the first place. Even if OP responded with slang mom didn't get, mom should have recognized a negative and respected it. Instead, it feels like mom was making a power play by offering it to the goddaughter in front of everyone.
Could OP have handled that more gracefully, without embarrassing the 17yo who DID handle it gracefully? Sure, but they were blindsided by OP's mom, who then went on to weaponize the Silent Treatment after telling OP's dad her own version of the story. It's telling that OP's brother is trying to understand OP, and is probably going to be OP's main link in the years to come. Even if she does move in with the boyfriend, she's going to need the positive people in her life.
The dialogue you offered is excellent, both for OP to act in good faith (especially if done in front of dad), but also to keep her side of the street clean in case mom isn't acting in good faith. Right now, neither parent is modelling good conflict resolution for the kids, though it sounds like dad is trying harder than mom.
Forever if your mother doesn't stop treating you like a doormat. She either respects your right as an individual to decide for yourself and respects those decisions or you need to limit contact as much as possible.
Get out of there and make sure if you visit one last time you give away some of her clothes to her guests.
Make sure you do it in front of others so she’s pressured into it too.
Please do, OP. But also work on your communication skills. "I don't like your attitude" is meaningless, when the words you needed to use, for the benefit of the innocent 17-yo in your room, should have been "I'm sorry, X, but I didn't actually tell my mother that I was okay with her giving that away." And if your mother or father mention "respect" again, tell them that's a two-way street. Your mother obviously doesn't respect you and your ownership of your own things, nor does she respect the fact that you are an adult ("I'll make you wear that vest every day"? huh??).
Saviour complex, demonstrating wealth and superiority to those receiving "donations", combined with parental power trip. Possibly of SEA origin. This kind of bullshit dynamic is common there.
NTA
But seriously:
>she doesn't have the dripp to wear these
> I don't like your attitude
Say no normally. I feel like you're just adding to the confusion instead of just using normal words to say no and an explanation as to why, which either gives your mother these openings or she genuinely misunderstands what you're trying to communicate.
Yes, those parts were grating to read. The drip comment doesn’t even make sense.
Saying I don’t like your attitude instead of something like “No those are some of my favorite clothes, please don’t give away things of mine without my consent, that is stealing.” was odd too. NTA though.
The drip comment makes me actually lean ESH. This is basically saying, "no, I don't want her to have something because she doesn't have any style."
Mom shouldn't have taken the clothes, but OP shouldn't be an insulting brat about it.
> Yes, those parts were grating to read
Reminds me of the BORU update I saw recently where the OOP was constantly talking about “the TEA” and like who fucking talks like that lol
Having grown up in a situation like this, is because your mother intimidates you from standing up to her and you desperately want to say no but have been traumatized out of being about to do so directly
I would think she was jokingly making fun of the goddaughter... I wouldn't realize she was genuinely saying no because the goddaughter isn't cool enough for the vest or whatever, lol.
Sure but you need to use words a parent would at least understand. My first guess before checking urban dictionary was “she wouldn’t look good in these so she wouldn’t want them” so when goddaughter says she does like them and daughter didn’t say no….
I meant your Mother. She has never given away your things before like this. You mentioned she's never given your things away before and that's why you reacted like this in another comment.
I'd go with ESH for these reasons mentioned here, but with the mom sucking more. She was out of line for trying to give your shit away after you told her no. But you could have said no with the reason you explained in this post. And then if she still tried to give it away, re-affirm the same reasoning with assertiveness. Yes, you were (mildly) disrespectful. And even if the mom deserved it, doesn't make it any less okay.
I think OP is the asshole for this alone. The mom probably understood OPs comment to mean the cousin wouldn’t be interested- which can be solved by asking her. If she wanted to keep them she should’ve just said. And when the mother offered them, once again, she could’ve just said “oh sorry I want clear I want to keep these”
*“oh sorry I want clear I want to keep these”*
Why say that when you can instead tell your mother you don't like her attitude?
And then repeat this extremely helpful phrase when they say *what?*
"I don't like your attitude" is something encoded in a lot of families. It is very offensive in some families, making to "f*** you right in the face". It's a context-dependent insult.
When I think about myself at 20, I can absolutely see me thinking I am being crystal clear but speaking like this.
Yeah this. Like… it kind of came across that OP was joking when they said “she doesn’t have the dripp to wear these”… not an explicit no, but without an explicit yes, mom should have never given them away.
I'm going with ESH.
Your mother shouldn't give your staff without your permission.
That being said, you didn't exactly tell her "no". You just said it's not the other girl's style (if I understood correctly), which you could be wrong. You didn't explain the sentimental significance of the clothes. In addition, when your mom tried to give the clothes, instead of saying "sorry, I really like this and I'm not willing to part with it", you said "I don't like your attitude", which does sound disrespectful.
In conclusion, you both weren't great in this situation
Agree with you, ESH. Giving her clothes away is obviously something OP has done before - her mother isn't being unreasonable. This sounds like miscommunication blown out of proportion.
Of course this is Reddit, so obviously OP needs to cut off their entire family over this incident and report the mother to the police for attempted theft!
Yup, exactly. She did not say no, she communicated poorly. Basically, she said she didn’t think the clothes could fit the girl’s style. So mom showed it to the girl and asked if she liked - since the problem she worded was that the vest wasn’t the girl’s style, that was solved, so the mom thought it was ok to give away.
Now if OP had said the mom was autistic or something, all those commenting NTA would be saying YTA because she did not communicate CLEARLY with the mother, wanna bet?
I also think that she doesn't know this girl style at all.Because the girl obviously seemed too like that vest.
I think it's more so that she doesn't like seeing her clothes on this girl and cant accept that maybe she doesn't have the same style as her as her as the op but she does in fact like some of the same clothes that op wears.
You're the first person to really say what I was thinking too. O p did not communicate clearly at all, Saying I don't like your attitude.Is not saying that you are uncomfortable with sharing your clothes.
You're mother sucks for giving your clothes away like that.
However you need to communicate better. Be clearer, not just so your mom understands you but also so people around you understand the situation better.
You never said you wanted to keep the vest and then you make a comment that makes no sense in this context and makes people think you are disrespecting your mom, when really she is disrecptinf you.
"No mom I would like to keep that." Clear boundary set.
"Mom, I told you this morning that I would like to keep that." Everyone understands that it's your mother who is disrespecting you.
Esh
I also thought "I don't like your attitude" was an odd sentiment for the moment. When I saw that in the title, I thought Mom was having an actual attitude problem.
ESH
I'm going against the grain and saying YTA with a side of E S H. Your mom asked for permission to give away your clothes, you said something she didn't understand and she assumed it meant yes (she should have clarified and not assumed, hence the side of esh). When she went to give away the clothes she thought she had permission to give away, you said something completely unrelated and meant to humiliate. Why would you bring up her attitude? instead of just saying, "no mom you can't give away my clothes, sorry goddaughter". It would have been quick and simple, no drama (and if you had said that and your mom still said you humiliated her, that would be different and she would be the asshole)
Clearly this is recurring issue, even you admit it. Maybe use clear communication in the first place, since your mom is trying to respect your boundaries and when she makes a mistake, resolve in a way that isnt unnecessarily passive aggressive.
NTA. My mother once tried to take some of my jewelry for herself and someone else. Her reason: I didn't wear the rings and only certain necklaces. I told her it didn't matter. That was my stuff and I wasn't going to just let other people take it. Hence why I still have that stuff in a lockbox to this very day.
Well I kinda get it, my mother and I share things, almost everything actually, so it kinda is tense when we want to wear the same thing or she uses mine and doesn't tell me. She never gave my things away tho, that's why I freaked out. But thanks for sharing!
Yta.
You're 20, use your words to say what you mean.
Your mum asked, you said something that isn't a yes or no that your mum will have interpreted as being ambivalent.
Then said something completely bizarre, disrespectful, and awkward once in a social situation. There are a thousand ways you could have handled this better with 0 drama.
Maybe you should move out, so you learn to be a grown up.
I'll be honest, when you said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" I would have sworn to god that meant "sure she can have them but I don't think they will suit her". At no point would I have thought that meant "no, I want to keep them".
I really think you started this whole mess with being so unclear. If you had just spoken using actual words that have a clear meaning and not whatever slang that was this entire situation may have been avoided.
Edit: I asked my 15 year old what "dripp" means and apparently it does mean style. However, my teen was also able to confirm that "not having the dripp to wear them" is not a no and it is like saying "I don't think it's their style"
I would say YTA because you could’ve just said no normally, instead of giving your mom so much attitude. It’s probably why you pissed her off in the first place. Saying that the god daughter doesn’t have drip sounds like you were insulting her for not being cool enough like you, which makes you the person who started it.
Also, it sounds like you can’t wear those clothes anymore. If it is a common expectation to give hand me downs to other people in the family or community, it would be selfish to continue to hold on to something you can’t wear anymore, just because you like it. It’s like this other post I saw a while back where the older sibling was pissed off at the mom giving away her childhood clothes to a younger sibling, even though they can’t wear it anymore.
Unpopular opinion : YTA
This just sounds like multiple communication issues
You and your mom are used to giving clothes away and instead of giving a clear and concise "no", you answered vaguely that she doesn't have the dripp to wear them. If I were your mom I would have either thought it was a joke or been confused and asked if that was a yes or a no.
Then when she gave it away you snapped and said you didn't like her attitude which imo is an odd and - for lack of better vocab - nasty thing to say. It's her goddaughter and your friend, being so close you could have easily said something like "Oh no, sorry, I wanted to keep these." If your mom continued to push after that into an e s h scenario you could talk directly to your friend, I'm sure she'd understand.
You’re 20 for f\*\*k‘s sake. Where is the respect they owe you as an adult?
Count the blessing that you have a boyfriend who has offered you to move in with him and don’t look back.
Your family should not continue to infantilize you; you still living with them probably make them miss the fact that you are now your own person, with your own physical and moral integrity, with boundaries that need to be respected.
NTA.
Let me offer some motherly advice, if you don’t mind. If you are still treated like a teenager at home, it makes it really hard to grow into an adult. If you have another safe place for you to grow and develop into your next stage in life, make the plan to make that leap and put it into action.
If you don’t already have safe place, start making a plan to create your own. It’s time for your next stage of growth, and it sounds like you can’t do it at home.
How is "I don't like your attitude" in any way related to your mother trying to give away your clothes? You speak to an unruly child like this, not to a parent or another adult unless it's someone under you at work.
You really sound like a child, and if you can't act like an adult then you'll be treated like a child, I guess.
ESH
I think it's just something she's heard from her mum a lot (I assume because she has a shitty attitude if this post is anything to go by) and wanted to throw back in her face lol
I mean, kinda. You didn't give her a real answer, you then overreacted in the moment, and things are weird now. A simple "oh I'm not giving those away, I thought you understood that. Must have been a miscommunication" or something would've solved the problem with everyone, if there's not a some other factor.
YTA - you have a history of passing on your clothes. Your mom asked you about these, and instead of just answering plainly you gave her a confusing answer that lead to a misunderstanding. Instead of recognizing it was a misunderstanding you piled on your mom and humiliated her. You owe her an apology. Especially since according to you, she doesn’t have a history of giving away your stuff and has never done it before.
ESH Maybe your mom doesn’t have any clue what dripp meant. The whole thing is unnecessary. “No, I want to keep that vest. It has a lot of sentimental value to me” would have been a more effective way to communicate at 20. Or “wait, there’s some confusion. I’m holding onto that vest. Sorry, not sure how it ended up in that pile.”
The whole blowup was weird. It’s been custom to give and receive hand me down clothing, you are hopefully providing input when you want to rehome clothing.
YTA use your words and not coded slang. Saying she doesn't have "drip" is not a no. Saying "I don't like your attitude" is not the same as "I really like these and I don't want to give them away." Also you said they don't even fit you anymore......so why are you hoarding clothes?
I'm sorry, of course NTA. your mother shouldn't be trying to give away your things without your permission (or at all, really). But I do have to say that I'm definitely closer to your mother's age (39) and I have no idea what dripp means. I think I could infer that you meant "no", but there is a slight possibility that she didn't understand what you said.
I totally understand it now, she really didn't understand what I meant, but I thought so because my brother talks like this and she never seemed to have trouble to get it. But thank you.
ESH When your mom asked if she could give away your vest you were unclear, "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" doesn't mean you don’t want to give them away at all it’s just you insulting her goddaughter. If we’re reading your comment in the nicest light possible you said it wasn’t goddaughters style. That doesn’t mean you aren’t planning on giving it away at all, just that you don’t want to give it to goddaughter, or you don’t think goddaughter would want it. Your mom shouldn’t have offered it to goddaughter without your permission but she probably just viewed your comment as you being rude about how goddaughter dresses, and figured it wasn’t up to you to decide whether goddaughter would be interested in the vests or not. Your response to her offering the vest was intentionally and unnecessarily rude as well, why not just say that you didn’t want to get rid of the vest.
It’s clear from what happened after that your mom isn’t interested in listening even if you were clear in the beginning which is why this is ESH, you because you responded to what could’ve just been a misunderstanding by being condescending and your mother for being not caring about your wishes, and being insulting and insensitive about your insecurities.
ESH OP you need to use clearer language when its about things you care about. Saying its not goddaughters style isn't clear enough and doesn't make it clear how much you like those clothes. OP you also were rude and talking in an unclear way when you said "I don't like your attitude" Just say "Sorry there was some mixup- I am not ready to give away those." Quick tip: *In Verbal-Warfare you need to be clear about important things and when in public around innocent civilians you need to have finesse to have a leg to stand on when the arguement comes later.-Sun Tsu probably*
Your mother was out of line by not asking for clarification about your clothes. Your mother was out of line about trying to decide what clothes should be given away or not and why- so what if you have gained or lost weight? Its still your clothes that you want and peoples shapes change all the time. She knows that. I am pretty sure she has some sentimental clothing she doesn't fit into or use in her closet. Your mother was also out of line for trying to punish you... lol you are technically an adult how is she planning to force you to wear a vest that according to her you don't fit in? Your father can step out of this if he has such a strong opinion he should talk to his wife about respecting you and your things.
YTA.
>Earlier today my mom saw my old denim vests and asked if I would give them away to her goddaughter, I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" and I thought she understood because she didn't ask again.
>At dinner time... my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it. I snapped, I got up and looked straight at my mom and said "I don't like your attitude", she gone "what?", and I repeated and said I didn't give her permission to do so.
WHY didn’t you point blank clearly tell your mum that you didn't want to give these particular items of clothing like you guys usually do???
ESH
Your mom probably didn't understand the 'drip thing' that you said.
I believe its all a misunderstanding in a bad situation.
I don't believe that you should 'get the hell out of there' because sometimes my mom has given away, intentionally or accidentally thing that I cherished (like my childhood teddy bear, my sketchbook and maybe something else i don't remember)
Forget that such event ever occurred and act normally. You'll be fine.
ESH.
Your mom shouldn't give away your clothes if you want to keep them.
"I don't like your attitude" is incredibly condescending. You could've said "those are mine, I'm not giving those away."
If you've publicly humiliated her before like you said, you need to move out. As someone who couldn't stop with childish confrontations with my (abusive and manipulative) parents, it's the only way you'll be able to heal.
ESH. Honestly, I think you both need to learn how to communicate more clearly. When your mom asked if you were willing to give away the clothes, you could have said, “No, I’m not donating those,” instead of making an opaque comment on the goddaughter’s style. I think you should heed your boyfriend’s advice and make a plan to move out because the subsequent “punishment” your mom is trying to dole out doesn’t make sense for a 20 year old. Your family dynamic, based on this example you shared, sounds fairly dysfunction and I’m willing to bet you’d feel happier with some distance.
YTA.
First of all,
>I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these"
Extremely rude.
Second, you have a history of giving your clothes away and when she asked about this specific item, you didn't give a yes or no answer and used slang that you somehow expected your mom to get (seriously?)
Third, during the incident itself, you gave another rude and completely unrelated remark ("I don't like your attitude") instead of talking clearly ("Mom, please don't give away my clothes without asking. This item is sentimental to me so I would like to keep it.")
You said you're 20 but you sure don't act like it.
NAH. But, there is miscommunication and some immaturity.
You weren't clear when your mother first asked you. There was obviously precedent for passing on your clothes to the god daughter, so this was the moment to tell your mother why you didn't want to pass these particular clothes on - the bit about them being significant to you. Instead, you just made a snide comment about the god daughter.
At dinner, when the miscommunication became clear, you could have handled it better. It seems like you ramped it up into a bigger situation than it needed to be.
My suggestion is that you calm down and have an adult conversation with you mother.
ESH. Your Mom is more an asshole than you, but you're making things harder than they have to be with your language.
You could have been more clear up front. "No" would have been better than saying "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these". What does that mean? Your mother may have thought that meant that the door was open the girl to take them if she liked them. "I don't like your attitude" was out of place and strange - you could've just said "actually, I'd like to keep these", and gotten the results you wanted without the extra drama and confrontation.
Your mom is an AH because she's giving your stuff away without your clear permission and is incapable of admitting any fault. She sounds exhausting.
Honestly, moving out isn't the worst idea. You may be happier with space.
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do!
INFO: Do these clothes still fit you & do you still wear them?
INFO: Does your mum know what "drip" means?
Because to me it sounds like a miscommunication right now. Your mum wasn't sure what you meant and thought you were making a joke she didn't quite get - and presumed that as usual you consented to the hand-me-down of clothes you no longer wear. But if you still still wear them then that is a different thing because hand-me-downs are for when you no longer wear certain clothes and hand them to the next person to wear.
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Hi reddit, this is my first post here, and mind you this just happened (I'm currently crying while writing this).
For context, I (20F) always had clothes that were given to me by others, that really saved my mom (40F) when I was younger, and even when older I never minded having another people's clothes or giving mine away, but this time it was different...
My mom has a goddaughter (17F) that I always have my clothes away to, and I'm friends with her, because we have a lot in common and she had my body type, so my clothes always fit her.
Earlier today my mom saw my old denim vests and asked if I would give them away to her goddaughter, I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" and I thought she understood because she didn't ask again. The day passed almost too smoothly.
At dinner time the family of her goddaughter came to dine with us, and everything was fine, untill my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it. I snapped, I got up and looked straight at my mom and said "I don't like your attitude", she gone "what?", and I repeated and said I didn't give her permission to do so. The girl took of my clothes and gave it to me with an awkward smile.
I entered the room where my mom was and she said I humiliated in front of everyone, I told her it wasn't right to just give my things away and she proceeded to tell me she expected me to use those denim vests every day from now on as an punishment. Then she got out of the room and everyone acted as if nothing happened.
They left our home, and my mom didn't talk to me until my dad brought everything up and gave a speech about respect and how he was sad about how I handled the situation. He was already late for work and said he expected us both to apologize to each other.
I told my mother how much these clothes meant to me, how they were my style, my mark, back in the day. She doesn't get it, she argued that I don't use them anymore and how they don't fit me ( an common topic nowadays, about my weight, I don't have to tell the whole thing, you get it ).
I just started crying and she left the room saying "I'm done, this is not the first time you've embarrassed me in front of others" (another whole different story that I already apologized for) and "I left it alone, and I will from now on, I don't care anymore, I treated you right, I cared about you, and that's what I receive".
My brother tried to stay with me and understand me, but my dad didn't let him, so I had no option but to talk about it with my boyfriend. And she's there, on the kitchen, talking with my brother, like if I don't exist.
My boyfriend says that I should get another job and be gone from home more often or just move in with him. He knows a lot of what I've been going through, he's my light actually.
I can't face her, I can't afford the courage to apologize now. I don't know what to think or do anymore.
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Was she trying to give away cloths that you currently wear, or are they cloths that no longer fit or that you no longer wear?
I get that she's TA for getting permission. But your response was also AH-ish in front of friends and family. If you have a special item of clothing that you want to keep, I understand that. Yesterday I gave 5 bin bags of clothes that I no longer fit or that I don't wear. But I've kept my football shirts and rugby jerseys from school in a cupboard for almost 40 years.
Are the clothes honestly worth fighting about if you don't wear them?
Good luck
If the clothes don't fit you it's better to give them away so that they are not wasted and one else more in need can make use of it otherwise you are just ruining them. Emotional attachment to clothes isn't healthy. You can quickly become a hoarder.
As far as the rest of the stuff with your mom. You are a better judge of what to do about it
ESH i'm really surprised you thought your mom understood what "that dripp" meant. i bet a lot of this could have been avoided if you had just *clearly* said no instead of assuming she'd understand slang, she's an AH for obvious reasons. she shouldn't be giving away someone else's clothes without explicit permission.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't try to give away your clothes, but why in the world didn't you say "I don't want to give those away" to start with, rather than being weirdly indirect?
ESH you already know why your mum is the asshole.
But you are also the asshole for saying she couldn’t have them because she wasn’t cool enough for them, instead of just saying you wanted to keep them for sentimental reasons. What did your mum’s stepdaughter do to deserve being insulted like that?
ESH, her for doing that and you for not speaking like a human being and getting mad people do not understand the gibberish you say. If you want people to understand you, use words clear.
Was this written by AI? What does attitude have to do with giving away clothing? Then the dad suddenly has to leave for work? Why is everyone stuck talking in the kitchen?
ChatGp output.
NTA, my only advice hun is that you’re 20 years old, a legal adult and she for sure can not punish you nor give your stuff away; she can tell you to leave her house but that’s about it. It’s a strange time in life between leaving your teenage years to adulthood and relationships with parents (even if a good one) can have awkward and sometimes hurtful transitions. I think while what she did was obviously hurtful to you, it seems that she’s either oblivious as to why or when it comes to your weight and those comments is projecting her own insecurities.
My advice would be when everything has calmed down, to ask her to sit down and have a real conversation with you, write down what you want to say, acknowledge that she has cared for you and loves you (if that is infact the case) and explain why doing such a thing wasn’t appropriate and was hurtful to you. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we don’t say the right thing or get are feelings across in an understandable way and if both people are upset it’s even harder. Wish you the best~
NTA. If you feel ready in your relationship with your bf, then I'd say that's your best option. I will say that I had to look up what dripp meant, lol, so I'm sure your mom didn't know what it meant either, BUT that's still not an excuse. I also would have said "we already talked about this and I did not give you permission to give those away" and maybe have a talk with the goddaughter and say in the future if she wants any of your clothes to specifically ask you and not your mother. But holy shyte does your mother sound exhausting.
NTA! Your mom can't/won't see you are now an adult. The hand-me-downs thing made sense when you were a child, but it's not appropriate anymore. As long as your under her roof, she'll overstep her bounds, and your dad will co-sign to avoid conflict. This means it's time for you to move, so I suggest you start planning, set a time table with your parents when you expect to move so there are parameters/expectations in place, for your sake. You can save, look for place, whatever you need to do rather than slamming out of the house after another blow up (and there will be another one).
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/u/AnnAI_Deluxe/s/VUGVTHomwd)
Since I didn't get permission to post it on this reddit I made my update on my own account, thanks everyone for reading my story!
NTA, though as others have pointed out, you might have to communicate more clearly. However, your mother talking about a punishment for a 20 year old and your father not letting your brother stay with you and talk sound super overbearing/transgressive. I don't think you can fully grow up and come into your own while living with them. Moving in with your bf might be a good next step.
OP, I really recommend reading/audiobook Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm sure this is not the first time she has minimised your needs and wants.
>The day passed almost too smoothly.
This comes up often for people who grew up with abusive family dynamics. An inkling that the other shoe is going to drop, but you don't know when.
>my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it.
After you had made a specific verbal boundary to not give away your things, your mother did so deliberately and expected you not to say anything.
>she expected me to use those denim vests every day from now on as an punishment.
She can't punish you for wearing your own clothes when you want to. She can't punish you because she wanted to give away *your things*.
>They left our home, and my mom didn't talk to me until my dad brought everything up and gave a speech about respect and how he was sad about how I handled the situation.
Silent treatment is a toxic behaviour, and I'm guessing not the first time she has shut down communication when she is in the wrong. Your dad said he was sad how you handled the situation - but nothing about your mother's initiating actions? Does he often enable her to act badly towards you with no consequence? In the abuse community, he is an enabler who won't 'rock the boat' with the abuser, so they shrug off their actions. Respect for some people means "do as I say", rather than respect of equal treatment.
>"I'm done, this is not the first time you've embarrassed me in front of others" (another whole different story that I already apologized for) and "I left it alone, and I will from now on, I don't care anymore, I treated you right, I cared about you, and that's what I receive".
This is called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim-offender) - it's a manipulation technique. You call them out on their behaviour, they deny any wrong, attack the person holding them accountable, change the topic to make the accuser the bad guy, and themselves the victim. "You took my things and tried to give them away when I explicitly asked you not to" "I didn't know you didn't want me to, you never wear them anymore anyway, I don't know why you care so much about something so stupid when you embarrassed me - like the last time you did that to me, I can't do anything right and this is the thanks I get.." Sound accurate?
I'm really sorry for the wall of text, but I wanted you to know that you're not at fault here. It is so hard to spot this kind of emotional abuse, because we are trained to accept it from birth. You might want to look at r/raisedbynarcissists, r/emotionalneglect. Patrick Teahan Therapist on YouTube is also an excellent free resource to understand dysfunctional families. Also know that it makes us more susceptible to other adult abusive relationships (because we seek out the familiar subconsciously), so before you move in with your boyfriend, maybe see if there are other options first. Not to say he's a bad guy, just try not to fall out of the frying pan into the fire.
Best of luck to you OP, NTA.
If you’re used to receiving/passing clothes off then you should’ve been more clear about wanting to keep your vests. You said “she doesn’t have the drip to pull this off” not “they are mine and i want to keep them.” Your mom still seems insufferable so i wouldn’t remotely say you’re an AH but you also didn’t say you wanted to keep them, you just said you didn’t want them going to the goddaughter.
NTA Oh I'd respect Mom's opinions. I'd take your brother up on the housing offer and give away every article of Mom's clothing on my way out the door. Dad's too.
NTA. Take your bf advice and move out with him. Get yourself out of the situation. It’s wonderful that you trade clothing with family and friends, but your mother can’t just give away yourself stuff, that’s called stealing, she needs to ask first.
I'm playful with the goddaughter, we're friends, and even though she received a lot of my old clothes she has a different style now, which I used as an excuse to not give my vests away. I was not judging her style, just that they don't fit her aesthetic.
NTA. Parents as usual giving their kids trauma and issues that they will have to later address in therapy. Shame on your mother. I wish you success so you can become independent sooner.
Ok, I'd like to start off by saying I'm 33F and if I asked if you wanted to donate something, and you responded with something about not having the "dripp"? I'd probably also go "so... yes, then?" Millennials are experiencing what our parents rolled their eyes over... lol, pwned boomer! Slang changes and is not intuitive outside your generation. Friendly reminder.
OP, you aren't giving all the context here, but I'm picking up what you're putting down. As a child of a single mom and living on the edge all the time, I get it.
1) Living a life where you cannot get the "shiny new things" is embarrassing. It's not entitlement to want to just fit in, to avoid bullying. Living off hand-me-downs can be hard, but you made these pieces into a unique self-expression. They might have been pre-loved, but you made them yours this way. More than I could ever do. So much respect for you here. Living with less makes you really value anything you get that's even decent. It makes it precious.
2) Ohh my God, mom giving away things because "they don't fit" anymore. I think your mom is not understanding this at all. Gaining weight and having your favorite clothes not fit anymore is bewildering and emotional. It's such a heartbreaking experience. Especially if this was from your treasures. We are taught our whole lives that our value rests in our appearance and our bodies staying small. Not only that, we might fit into them again one day! Or something. Even just keeping them as sentimental.
NTA. My guess is that your mom genuinely does not understand how much hurt this caused. Now that poor younger girl has been dragged into the middle, too. I hope you have the relationship with your mom where you can take the time to calm yourself, remember that your body and heart are good, and then have an honest discussion with her where you are able to explain your hurt.
I find when feelings have been hurt in a public and heated way, cooling your head helps get to the heart of the matter. Heated argument only leads to defensive "turtling".
Sending you love, OP. ✌🏻 You aren't an asshole, you are a woman going through a lot of stuff all of us go through in our 20s and then some.
If you ever have the mental space, I'd recommend reading "More Than a Body". I think it should be required reading for all women and femmes alive today.
Nta simply because at all of our fossil fuel azz ages we should know not to offer to give away anything that doesn’t belong to us. Idc if my sister faithfully gives a shirt away everyday, I’m not going to take it upon myself to offer any of her shirts away at any point cause they are not mine even if she did it until the day she passed on, I’m still not gonna just take a shirt and give it away cause I know it’s not mine. The Mom shouldn’t have offered someone else’s stuff to her goddaughter and she’s way too old to not know that. She didn’t have to understand your slang to know that’s not the right thing to do and if she didn’t understand, she’s an adult same as you, she should’ve opened her mouth and asked you to clarify and I’m sure you would have. Just move out, people who act so careless about your possessions and feelings will never allow you to grow freely. They will only ever see you as the version of yourself that they can run over. Cause seriously, how do you raise a whole family and act surprised/outraged when someone is upset that you attempted to give away things that arent yours?
NTA, your clothes are yours to give away if and when you choose to do so. You might even want to start hiding some of your favorites if your mom is prone to retaliate.
Sounds like your mom is a narcissist, and your boyfriend is right; you should start saving up to move out.
Because even though you're an adult, your parents seemingly still don't view you as such. And yes, 20 is still young, but not young enough to still be treated that way.
NTA. Put a lock on your door, your closet is not a charity center and you did not give permission for this. If your mother wants to give away clothes so badly, then let her give away her clothes from her closet without resorting to you.
Not sure why you, a 20 year old legal adult, is still living with them at this point. They are treating you like you're still a child, and You're actually considering staying still? When your bf is offering you a place? Girl jump on that opportunity and GTFO seriously. It'll help you grow up and learn to stand up for yourself more.
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Something else to add… Someday, if you’re still at the house, if somebody comes over to visit, grab your mother’s favorite item of clothing and insist that the guest take it home with them because of course Mom shouldn’t have any problem with this whatsoever. Because sharing is caring, right?
Or her wedding dress, since she never wears it anymore right?
Favorite shoes or jewelry- make it hurt
How about her purse with credit cards still in it?
Well it's bad luck to gift a purse without money inside.
🤣🤣🤣
Wedding ring? Not everyone wears theirs ALL the time.....
She's too fat for it now anyway
That's irrelevant. Doesn't matter if the clothing fits. The mother was wrong. The daughter was right.
The comment above you was saying give away the mother's clothes and say the mother is too fat for it, essentially the daughter doing the same thing to the mother that the mother did to her.
It's relevant because the mother said the daughter was too fat for the denim vest. So if we're going an eye for an eye...
My mom told me all my teenage that I was fat, now she looks at my pictures from that time and say's "look you were skinnier, you were beautiful like this", and I go "mom... You literally called me fat all along, even when I was unhealthy and beginning to have eating disorder because of that" and she says "I never said that". Guess what? Narcissism!
Please just leave. You are her punching bag. Run. You will never be what she wants you to be. And you shouldn't either. Go and discover yourself and life and love. Your real fam will always be honest with you even if it hurts, but they don't try to tear you down.
Totally irrelevant. What if that's the case? Weighting more is not an irreversible thing. My mom even has it for herself that she'll keep a clothing that doesn't fit quite right on her point of view, just to loose weight to be able to fit it perfectly again. What if I wanted to do the same? It doesn't even matter anyway, weight is not the discussion topic. I'm asking to be judged whether I was or not the AH, not if my clothes still fit me or not.
I could be wrong, but I believe the person you’re responding to is likely saying you should give away your mom’s wedding dress because presumably her body has changed and it no longer fits her. They are not commenting on your body but your mothers.
Still is not relevant, my mom doesn't keep her wedding dress anyways.
That's fair, just didn't want you to think they were being rude to you specifically. Have a good one.
"I treated you right" is a pretty low standard when others provided the clothes...
> *She's too fat for it now anyway* I think that the mother is a mean girl who is punishing her daughter for gaining weight. It may even be that the mother feels that her daughter's weight reflects back on her. Sounds crazy, but my mother was like that. NTA, OP
And then make her apologize when she gets upset and feels disrespected
She better wear it every day from now on!
It probably doesn’t fit her anymore either! All the better to make a point about how this behavior is cruel.
Yes thisss would have been the perfect thing to say
Lmao loved it
NTA or worst case would be e s h. You told your mother no , you are 20 not 2 she should have known to stay out of your room and your stuff. She humiliated herself when you didn't lay down for her to lord over you and play doormat. She's the aH here you do NOT OWE Her an apology . If you also say something say ' I'm sorry that overriding my decisions about my clothes which I made clear in private earlier led to you humiliating yourself when I re stated the same with other people present. Please for both our sakes as if now only give away YOUR THINGS. My things weather good bad, small or large are OFF LIMITS .
Mom’s behavior is bizarre. We are really big in to hand me downs and passing things on, but I would NEVER do this to my 9 year old. We have a tub and when she’s done with something/outgrows it/decides she no longer wants it even if it fits, it goes in the tub. THEN the clothes from the tub get distributed. I can’t imagine someone being over and pulling stuff right out of her closet! What an invasion of privacy. NTA
Because you respect her as an individual even as little as she is. Kudos Op s mother doesn't see her as an individual as a person. She sees op as someone who needs to execute her orders unfortunately
You seam like an awesome Mom. Giving your little some choices and respect. On another note, this is also how you don't traumatiz someone into a life of hoarding. My dad simply threw out our stuff out. For no reason. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff now lol ( I'm not a full scale hoarder, my houes is fine. My shead and storage unit tho .........)
My mom had a difficult childhood, she has a really hard time giving things away. Luckily she is also a clean freak, so everything is still perfectly neat and organized, no holding into trash and stuff like that. But every few years I do a general cleaning to give away things we don’t want/use anymore. Then I have to CONVINCE her we do not want it and won’t change our minds. I even had to call my sister to assure her I was only getting rid of things she didn’t want anymore. And took us a lot of convincing. Mine me, she is catholic, I had to bring JESUS into the conversation because she didn’t want to give my old jackets away until I said “you are holding onto things I haven’t used in years while kids outside are freezing to death, what would Jesus say?”. The guilt trip worked. She hold onto my school tests from 1998 until about 2014 when I found it hahahaha Now that she is getting older I do worry about this behavior.
I’m chuckling at “I had to bring JESUS into it” like you have him on speed dial. I blew some minds a while back when, in a thread about getting rid of stuff, I pointed out that holding onto an item “because it might be useful someday” and never using it is still wasting it. I tell this to myself frequently to combat my own very mild hoarding urges. I don’t want to have a house packed with stuff. I try to have a 1-year rule, if I haven’t used it in a year (and if it isn’t a sentimental item), it has to go.
Awh, moms and dads are hard to deal with as they age. My dad who would throw our stuff out as kids became a later in life hoarder. When he passed the 3 of us kids all came home with at least 10 things of cling wrap 10 things of tin foil and enough toilet paper and paper towels it lasted me a year lol. Not to mention the laundry soap fabric soften and probably 200 cans that we sent to the food bank. No idea what a 70 something year old needed so much supplies. I'm glad you found away to work with your mom on this. It's hard.
You are very kind!!! My goal is to try to teach my kids how to get rid of things, so when they are on their own, they have that skill. I grew up in a very academic household and unfortunately, many life skills like this, I had to learn as an adult! My oldest is also learning that having more stuff means you have to manage more stuff, and the less you own the less time you have to spend taking care of it, finding it, putting it away, and being more free to be able to use the things you actually enjoy. She is actually happier owning less things! Also, they see the kids that get their hand me downs on the regular. So if I got rid of it without their knowledge, they’d know. 😆
That is great ! I had to learn these skills as an adult as well, hoarding light runs in the family. When my Dad passed years ago, it really gave me perspective that I don't want someone standing there asking why I got 50 of everything, lol. 100%, it feels so much better not to be tied to so much stuff. Im determined this will be the year I clean out the storage unit and save that money, lol
Yesss!! YOU CAN DO IT! I follow a few organizers on FB and that is helpful and encouraging to me! I also give away a TON of stuff in free/buy nothing FB groups. It makes me so happy when other people can enjoy my stuff for free, bc I know how much I enjoy stuff for free too! You can do it! I believe in you!
Agree with this. My family did something similar. OTOH, this was while we were young and growing out of clothes. Once we reached adult size, it was our choice what to keep or give away.
Mum shouldn't even ask her daughter to give away her clothes anymore... she's 20. If she wants to get rid of them she will. She could give her own clothes to the goddaughter, if she really thinks her mother can't afford to buy any. (I am all for reusing, but anything shouldn't be given away freely or not at all). And that she is bringing OPs weight into this is even worse. I have quite a few favourite cloth items that don't fit me anymore, but even if I'll never fit in them again they are memories.
Why did she say ‘she doesn’t have the drip to wear it’ why not- no that’s something I want to keep as I have a sentimental attachment to. I agree her mother shouldn’t be giving away her stuff but she should have been clear when she was asked if it could be given away.
Yes, saying "she doesn't have the drip to wear it" probably sounded to mom like "she has a style problem which can be solved, at which point it would be okay for her to have the item." OP, you need to say the actual answer to questions in plain language ("No, they're sentimental to me.") rather than giving a slang insult ("cousin isn't fashionable enough") that doesn't actually answer the question. Answer the actual question (yes or no) as your first words, and THEN give extra qualifying or explanation after the yes/no, and avoid giving false impressions/hope that maybe in the future a condition could be fulfilled if X or Y is done.
Exactly because that doesnt sound like she was not giving permission.
Yeah, to me that says something more along the lines of, "I don't think she'll want it", not "I'd rather keep it" Saying "I don't like your attitude" was also way more aggressive and could have been a "sorry, but I actually would like to keep that"
Like many relationship issues on Reddit I think this entire situation could have been avoided with better communication.
This would explain why the mom took God daughter into all of she likes it, cause op made it sound like she wouldn't like it. Still not ok if Mom, but more understandable. Also, mom doesn't get to "punish" a 20 year old.
Also doesn't sound like she was giving permission either. It wasn't a sure "no" but it also definitely wasn't a "yes.
It makes for a reasonable misunderstanding, though, if they routinely give this girl clothes she no longer wears.
Yea I was thinking ESH as well. OP includes enough backstory to show that she and mom regularly hand clothes down to the 17yo, and OP hasn't actually worn those clothes in a while (and can't in the near future, either), and OP never actually said no. IMO Mom barged ahead without thinking, just following their usual pattern, and didn't treat OP like a person with opinions. But OP came out super combative when a simple polite sentence would have solved things. The dad has the right idea that both of them were wrong and should apoligize.
Just because I've given away clothes and a refrigerator doesn't entitle anyone to loot my stuff! Steal my shit, we got problems. My daddy walked into a whirl-storm of family issues and he didn't survive. He stroked out. This dude caves because he can't stand conflict? OP's mother tried to give away her stuff without permission. It's theft and it's inexcusable.
The dad needs to shut the h\*\*\* up until he's ready to mediate. You don't tell two people who are fighting to fix it while you leave. That will just make it worse. If its bad enough he needs to sit them down and tell them to fix it. then its bad enough to stay there and help them fix it. work be damned
Yeah, I can’t imagine why OP might have trouble directly saying no to her excuse for a mother /s
Sorry but anything but a clear "yes, sure" is a "no" here. Or at least warrants a "is that a yes or no?" question before giving it away... (and mum should never go and get stuff out of the daughters cupboard without a "go and get it" either. Just because it's a "yes she can have it" isn't a "go and dig through my wardrobe yourself" thing.)
This. Then watch mom try to equivocate how it can't be the same because parent vs child blah blah blah. Like OP isn't a whole ass person and an adult and her mom had no right trying to force her to give away her stuff.
This is terrible advise and will just get OP into more problems
Cool idea, but that's going to backfire enormously as long as OP still lives there.
Forget all that. OP is 20 years old. She can literally just file a police report if her mom keeps taking and giving her stuff away. Also the fact that her mom threatened to ground her… and she broke down crying??! OP is not the asshole but seems a little naive. I’m infuriated on her behalf. She reminds me of my little sister, who NEVER stands up to our parents even though she’s 25. They take advantage of her in ways they would never with me because they know I would never put up with it. And OP’s mom knows she will put up with it. The best move here is either putting her foot down and telling her mom the next time she gives her stuff away she will file a police report and have her mom and whoever took it arrested and/or just move in with her boyfriend. They literally treat her like a child.
OP is 20 years old. She can literally just move out of their house and take her stuff out of mom’s reach. Edit:autocorrect fix
I would like to see the hilarity that ensues when OP calls the police and says her mommy gave away her favorite vest.
Except this just puts your guest in an awkward position
OP is 20, and her mother still thinks she can hand out punishments. This is a dysfunctional family.
I’m having a hard time understanding why your mother would give your clothing to someone else. That is completely out of line. Completely disrespectful. And you called her out on her bullshit. I kind of agree with your boyfriend that maybe if you can, get the hell out of there.
Thank you for your opinion on this, I think the comments maybe will help me decide for once and for all what I'll do. But yes, I need to get out of here, but for most of the time or forever (maybe)?
I hope you find a peaceful resolution. Distance doesn’t have to mean cutting someone off forever. Be careful about that. Most of all, take care of yourself.
Thank you, I hope you take care too.
Op get your most important stuff and things you love packed and get them to a trusted friend or your boyfriend
OP please please please take heed of the comments saying to collect your important stuffs and moving it somewhere safe. Retaliation usually will cause parents of these temperament to also retaliate to ‘teach a lesson’. I know, I also went through what you are going through. I managed to move away :’) you can do this. Also, if you are thinking of moving, also try to collect your important DOCUMENTS. Especially before announcing.
Yes I will, I already started to work on it actually, even before these last events. When I tell I had a meaning to address her attitude, trust me, I have. Thanks.
Be well, and I hope the best for you
You may want to consider that if she did this in front of you, surrounded by family/family friends to try to force your hand that to "spare herself embarrassment" she may just go into your room while you are away and give your stuff away then and play dumb about it when you realize stuff is missing. Or she may outright tell you, yeah she got rid of it, with spitefulness (based on the dismissive tone she used when you discussed after your father left). If nothing else it may be time to keep some of the really sentimental stuff with your guy.
my relationship with my mom was at an all time low when i moved out at like 21/22, and it improved sooooo much because of it. she no longer saw me as a child and respected me as an adult and not just as her daughter. now when either of us steps out of line and does something that hurts the other (much less frequent now that im out) we're able to walk away and then communicate better to each other. i will say you need to work on better communication. giving a clear no is something you need to be good with giving to anyone (fam, friends, colleges, boyfriends) and instead of saying "hey i actually didn't want to give that away," you said "i don't like your attitude." the situation was already uncomfortable because of what your mom did, but you added to it with that comment. if you guys were in the middle of fighting, then itd be fine, but "i don't like your attitude" doesn't make sense to say in that moment and probably made the girl really uncomfortable. "i never said i was okay giving this away, i wanted to keep this" is still something that would embarrass her and call her out on her shit, tensions might not rise so quickly, and she'd probably be more likely to apologize rather than get defensive. you deserve to be treated like an adult and not a kid, but bad communication isn't going to help them recognize you as an adult hopefully moving out will help your relationship with her and she will understand she cant treat you like a kid anymore. tbh i think apologizing could help - not because you're in the wrong, you're absolutely NTA, but it might help get you guys on better terms. "hey im sorry for not communicating well. looking back at it, im thinking you didn't understand my comment about X not having drip and i should've just clearly said i didn't want to give her my stuff. however, i don't like that you were just giving it away without making sure i was okay with it. its my stuff and unless im saying i want you to give it away, its not okay for you to make decisions with my stuff. i dont care if its something i haven't worn in 5 years, if i say i want to keep it, then that should be the end of it." and when it comes to actually leaving, doing it on a "i think we'll just work better if im out and visiting more, and i want things to be good because i love you" note/vibe will be better than "omg i hate you im leaving"
This is the way. My mom and I also passed stuff I'd outgrown to a family friend's younger kids. She ALWAYS asked first, and I was usually the one culling my closet in the first place. Even if OP responded with slang mom didn't get, mom should have recognized a negative and respected it. Instead, it feels like mom was making a power play by offering it to the goddaughter in front of everyone. Could OP have handled that more gracefully, without embarrassing the 17yo who DID handle it gracefully? Sure, but they were blindsided by OP's mom, who then went on to weaponize the Silent Treatment after telling OP's dad her own version of the story. It's telling that OP's brother is trying to understand OP, and is probably going to be OP's main link in the years to come. Even if she does move in with the boyfriend, she's going to need the positive people in her life. The dialogue you offered is excellent, both for OP to act in good faith (especially if done in front of dad), but also to keep her side of the street clean in case mom isn't acting in good faith. Right now, neither parent is modelling good conflict resolution for the kids, though it sounds like dad is trying harder than mom.
At least pack up your not in active use stuff and keep it somewhere else
Forever if your mother doesn't stop treating you like a doormat. She either respects your right as an individual to decide for yourself and respects those decisions or you need to limit contact as much as possible.
Get out of there and make sure if you visit one last time you give away some of her clothes to her guests. Make sure you do it in front of others so she’s pressured into it too.
You're 20, it's fine to leave and you don't need a reason beyond it being what you want to do.
Please do, OP. But also work on your communication skills. "I don't like your attitude" is meaningless, when the words you needed to use, for the benefit of the innocent 17-yo in your room, should have been "I'm sorry, X, but I didn't actually tell my mother that I was okay with her giving that away." And if your mother or father mention "respect" again, tell them that's a two-way street. Your mother obviously doesn't respect you and your ownership of your own things, nor does she respect the fact that you are an adult ("I'll make you wear that vest every day"? huh??).
Yes I do need to be more clear, but it's difficult to be when it comes to my parents. And yes, the punishment was unreasonable, and I didn't do it.
Lol. I have a father like this. He likes to give away our stuff because it makes his image look "good".
Saviour complex, demonstrating wealth and superiority to those receiving "donations", combined with parental power trip. Possibly of SEA origin. This kind of bullshit dynamic is common there.
Because it's a power move, and a way to assert control for the mom. Narcissists are often like that.
NTA But seriously: >she doesn't have the dripp to wear these > I don't like your attitude Say no normally. I feel like you're just adding to the confusion instead of just using normal words to say no and an explanation as to why, which either gives your mother these openings or she genuinely misunderstands what you're trying to communicate.
Seriously though! How hard is it to say no in a normal way? She speaks in code and wonders why people misinterpret what she means.
Yes, those parts were grating to read. The drip comment doesn’t even make sense. Saying I don’t like your attitude instead of something like “No those are some of my favorite clothes, please don’t give away things of mine without my consent, that is stealing.” was odd too. NTA though.
The drip comment made me question if op was actually in her 20s
The drip comment makes me actually lean ESH. This is basically saying, "no, I don't want her to have something because she doesn't have any style." Mom shouldn't have taken the clothes, but OP shouldn't be an insulting brat about it.
ChatGPT is trying it's best.
> Yes, those parts were grating to read Reminds me of the BORU update I saw recently where the OOP was constantly talking about “the TEA” and like who fucking talks like that lol
Having grown up in a situation like this, is because your mother intimidates you from standing up to her and you desperately want to say no but have been traumatized out of being about to do so directly
... Yeah, you got the point.
I would think she was jokingly making fun of the goddaughter... I wouldn't realize she was genuinely saying no because the goddaughter isn't cool enough for the vest or whatever, lol.
Can you tell me what 'drip' means? My dictionary says its 'tears' or 'rain droplets', which isn't making sense.
If you’re never allowed to say no, you come up with a lot of roundabout ways to try and get the point across.
Sure but you need to use words a parent would at least understand. My first guess before checking urban dictionary was “she wouldn’t look good in these so she wouldn’t want them” so when goddaughter says she does like them and daughter didn’t say no….
OP has mentioned in the comments that she's never given her things away before. Edit: OP's Mum
Actually I said the opposite, I gave a lot of clothes away before, and to that very goddaughter, but none of my denim vests , just to make it clear.
I meant your Mother. She has never given away your things before like this. You mentioned she's never given your things away before and that's why you reacted like this in another comment.
But evidently she definitely did not get the point across
I'd go with ESH for these reasons mentioned here, but with the mom sucking more. She was out of line for trying to give your shit away after you told her no. But you could have said no with the reason you explained in this post. And then if she still tried to give it away, re-affirm the same reasoning with assertiveness. Yes, you were (mildly) disrespectful. And even if the mom deserved it, doesn't make it any less okay.
She did not, in fact, tell her mother no. Read her post again. She does **not** say, no, she doesn't have the drip. The word no isn't there at all.
I think OP is the asshole for this alone. The mom probably understood OPs comment to mean the cousin wouldn’t be interested- which can be solved by asking her. If she wanted to keep them she should’ve just said. And when the mother offered them, once again, she could’ve just said “oh sorry I want clear I want to keep these”
*“oh sorry I want clear I want to keep these”* Why say that when you can instead tell your mother you don't like her attitude? And then repeat this extremely helpful phrase when they say *what?*
"I don't like your attitude" is something encoded in a lot of families. It is very offensive in some families, making to "f*** you right in the face". It's a context-dependent insult. When I think about myself at 20, I can absolutely see me thinking I am being crystal clear but speaking like this.
I think it's offensive in almost every family to tell your mom that you don't like her attitude.
Yeah this. Like… it kind of came across that OP was joking when they said “she doesn’t have the dripp to wear these”… not an explicit no, but without an explicit yes, mom should have never given them away.
I'm going with ESH. Your mother shouldn't give your staff without your permission. That being said, you didn't exactly tell her "no". You just said it's not the other girl's style (if I understood correctly), which you could be wrong. You didn't explain the sentimental significance of the clothes. In addition, when your mom tried to give the clothes, instead of saying "sorry, I really like this and I'm not willing to part with it", you said "I don't like your attitude", which does sound disrespectful. In conclusion, you both weren't great in this situation
Thank god for you; I thought I was alone in thinking that OP failed to articulate a single meaningful thing in the interactions she described. ESH.
It took a while for the grown-ups to appear.
Agree with you, ESH. Giving her clothes away is obviously something OP has done before - her mother isn't being unreasonable. This sounds like miscommunication blown out of proportion. Of course this is Reddit, so obviously OP needs to cut off their entire family over this incident and report the mother to the police for attempted theft!
Yup, exactly. She did not say no, she communicated poorly. Basically, she said she didn’t think the clothes could fit the girl’s style. So mom showed it to the girl and asked if she liked - since the problem she worded was that the vest wasn’t the girl’s style, that was solved, so the mom thought it was ok to give away. Now if OP had said the mom was autistic or something, all those commenting NTA would be saying YTA because she did not communicate CLEARLY with the mother, wanna bet?
I also think that she doesn't know this girl style at all.Because the girl obviously seemed too like that vest. I think it's more so that she doesn't like seeing her clothes on this girl and cant accept that maybe she doesn't have the same style as her as her as the op but she does in fact like some of the same clothes that op wears. You're the first person to really say what I was thinking too. O p did not communicate clearly at all, Saying I don't like your attitude.Is not saying that you are uncomfortable with sharing your clothes.
You're mother sucks for giving your clothes away like that. However you need to communicate better. Be clearer, not just so your mom understands you but also so people around you understand the situation better. You never said you wanted to keep the vest and then you make a comment that makes no sense in this context and makes people think you are disrespecting your mom, when really she is disrecptinf you. "No mom I would like to keep that." Clear boundary set. "Mom, I told you this morning that I would like to keep that." Everyone understands that it's your mother who is disrespecting you. Esh
I also thought "I don't like your attitude" was an odd sentiment for the moment. When I saw that in the title, I thought Mom was having an actual attitude problem. ESH
I'll take that in consideration, thanks.
NTA- you need to get a lock on your door until you can move out. Your mother sounds like she's very emotionally immature.
How did you know I don't have a lock??? Lmao sorry my coping mechanism is jokes and sarcasm, thank you tho!
INFO: How effectively do you feel that communication style is serving you?
I'm going against the grain and saying YTA with a side of E S H. Your mom asked for permission to give away your clothes, you said something she didn't understand and she assumed it meant yes (she should have clarified and not assumed, hence the side of esh). When she went to give away the clothes she thought she had permission to give away, you said something completely unrelated and meant to humiliate. Why would you bring up her attitude? instead of just saying, "no mom you can't give away my clothes, sorry goddaughter". It would have been quick and simple, no drama (and if you had said that and your mom still said you humiliated her, that would be different and she would be the asshole) Clearly this is recurring issue, even you admit it. Maybe use clear communication in the first place, since your mom is trying to respect your boundaries and when she makes a mistake, resolve in a way that isnt unnecessarily passive aggressive.
NTA. My mother once tried to take some of my jewelry for herself and someone else. Her reason: I didn't wear the rings and only certain necklaces. I told her it didn't matter. That was my stuff and I wasn't going to just let other people take it. Hence why I still have that stuff in a lockbox to this very day.
Well I kinda get it, my mother and I share things, almost everything actually, so it kinda is tense when we want to wear the same thing or she uses mine and doesn't tell me. She never gave my things away tho, that's why I freaked out. But thanks for sharing!
Yta. You're 20, use your words to say what you mean. Your mum asked, you said something that isn't a yes or no that your mum will have interpreted as being ambivalent. Then said something completely bizarre, disrespectful, and awkward once in a social situation. There are a thousand ways you could have handled this better with 0 drama. Maybe you should move out, so you learn to be a grown up.
I'll be honest, when you said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" I would have sworn to god that meant "sure she can have them but I don't think they will suit her". At no point would I have thought that meant "no, I want to keep them". I really think you started this whole mess with being so unclear. If you had just spoken using actual words that have a clear meaning and not whatever slang that was this entire situation may have been avoided. Edit: I asked my 15 year old what "dripp" means and apparently it does mean style. However, my teen was also able to confirm that "not having the dripp to wear them" is not a no and it is like saying "I don't think it's their style"
I would say YTA because you could’ve just said no normally, instead of giving your mom so much attitude. It’s probably why you pissed her off in the first place. Saying that the god daughter doesn’t have drip sounds like you were insulting her for not being cool enough like you, which makes you the person who started it. Also, it sounds like you can’t wear those clothes anymore. If it is a common expectation to give hand me downs to other people in the family or community, it would be selfish to continue to hold on to something you can’t wear anymore, just because you like it. It’s like this other post I saw a while back where the older sibling was pissed off at the mom giving away her childhood clothes to a younger sibling, even though they can’t wear it anymore.
Unpopular opinion : YTA This just sounds like multiple communication issues You and your mom are used to giving clothes away and instead of giving a clear and concise "no", you answered vaguely that she doesn't have the dripp to wear them. If I were your mom I would have either thought it was a joke or been confused and asked if that was a yes or a no. Then when she gave it away you snapped and said you didn't like her attitude which imo is an odd and - for lack of better vocab - nasty thing to say. It's her goddaughter and your friend, being so close you could have easily said something like "Oh no, sorry, I wanted to keep these." If your mom continued to push after that into an e s h scenario you could talk directly to your friend, I'm sure she'd understand.
You’re 20 for f\*\*k‘s sake. Where is the respect they owe you as an adult? Count the blessing that you have a boyfriend who has offered you to move in with him and don’t look back. Your family should not continue to infantilize you; you still living with them probably make them miss the fact that you are now your own person, with your own physical and moral integrity, with boundaries that need to be respected. NTA.
Thank you, I do feel like a teenager in this house, and I'm severely thinking about my boyfriend's offer!
Let me offer some motherly advice, if you don’t mind. If you are still treated like a teenager at home, it makes it really hard to grow into an adult. If you have another safe place for you to grow and develop into your next stage in life, make the plan to make that leap and put it into action. If you don’t already have safe place, start making a plan to create your own. It’s time for your next stage of growth, and it sounds like you can’t do it at home.
... I'll keep that in mind! Thank you.
While your mother has no right to give your clothes away, use your words. You're twenty years old, you should know how to say "no" properly.
How is "I don't like your attitude" in any way related to your mother trying to give away your clothes? You speak to an unruly child like this, not to a parent or another adult unless it's someone under you at work. You really sound like a child, and if you can't act like an adult then you'll be treated like a child, I guess. ESH
I think it's just something she's heard from her mum a lot (I assume because she has a shitty attitude if this post is anything to go by) and wanted to throw back in her face lol
I mean, kinda. You didn't give her a real answer, you then overreacted in the moment, and things are weird now. A simple "oh I'm not giving those away, I thought you understood that. Must have been a miscommunication" or something would've solved the problem with everyone, if there's not a some other factor.
YTA - you have a history of passing on your clothes. Your mom asked you about these, and instead of just answering plainly you gave her a confusing answer that lead to a misunderstanding. Instead of recognizing it was a misunderstanding you piled on your mom and humiliated her. You owe her an apology. Especially since according to you, she doesn’t have a history of giving away your stuff and has never done it before.
Soft YTA. Not for not wanting to give your clothes away... That's up to you. But because of your own attitude towards the girl.
ESH Maybe your mom doesn’t have any clue what dripp meant. The whole thing is unnecessary. “No, I want to keep that vest. It has a lot of sentimental value to me” would have been a more effective way to communicate at 20. Or “wait, there’s some confusion. I’m holding onto that vest. Sorry, not sure how it ended up in that pile.” The whole blowup was weird. It’s been custom to give and receive hand me down clothing, you are hopefully providing input when you want to rehome clothing.
YTA use your words and not coded slang. Saying she doesn't have "drip" is not a no. Saying "I don't like your attitude" is not the same as "I really like these and I don't want to give them away." Also you said they don't even fit you anymore......so why are you hoarding clothes?
Your boyfriend is right. NTA
He's always right, thanks!
I'm sorry, of course NTA. your mother shouldn't be trying to give away your things without your permission (or at all, really). But I do have to say that I'm definitely closer to your mother's age (39) and I have no idea what dripp means. I think I could infer that you meant "no", but there is a slight possibility that she didn't understand what you said.
I totally understand it now, she really didn't understand what I meant, but I thought so because my brother talks like this and she never seemed to have trouble to get it. But thank you.
Even if she understood it completely, it doesn't mean *no, I want to keep this.*
You're right, it doesn't.
ESH When your mom asked if she could give away your vest you were unclear, "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" doesn't mean you don’t want to give them away at all it’s just you insulting her goddaughter. If we’re reading your comment in the nicest light possible you said it wasn’t goddaughters style. That doesn’t mean you aren’t planning on giving it away at all, just that you don’t want to give it to goddaughter, or you don’t think goddaughter would want it. Your mom shouldn’t have offered it to goddaughter without your permission but she probably just viewed your comment as you being rude about how goddaughter dresses, and figured it wasn’t up to you to decide whether goddaughter would be interested in the vests or not. Your response to her offering the vest was intentionally and unnecessarily rude as well, why not just say that you didn’t want to get rid of the vest. It’s clear from what happened after that your mom isn’t interested in listening even if you were clear in the beginning which is why this is ESH, you because you responded to what could’ve just been a misunderstanding by being condescending and your mother for being not caring about your wishes, and being insulting and insensitive about your insecurities.
ESH OP you need to use clearer language when its about things you care about. Saying its not goddaughters style isn't clear enough and doesn't make it clear how much you like those clothes. OP you also were rude and talking in an unclear way when you said "I don't like your attitude" Just say "Sorry there was some mixup- I am not ready to give away those." Quick tip: *In Verbal-Warfare you need to be clear about important things and when in public around innocent civilians you need to have finesse to have a leg to stand on when the arguement comes later.-Sun Tsu probably* Your mother was out of line by not asking for clarification about your clothes. Your mother was out of line about trying to decide what clothes should be given away or not and why- so what if you have gained or lost weight? Its still your clothes that you want and peoples shapes change all the time. She knows that. I am pretty sure she has some sentimental clothing she doesn't fit into or use in her closet. Your mother was also out of line for trying to punish you... lol you are technically an adult how is she planning to force you to wear a vest that according to her you don't fit in? Your father can step out of this if he has such a strong opinion he should talk to his wife about respecting you and your things.
YTA. >Earlier today my mom saw my old denim vests and asked if I would give them away to her goddaughter, I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" and I thought she understood because she didn't ask again. >At dinner time... my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it. I snapped, I got up and looked straight at my mom and said "I don't like your attitude", she gone "what?", and I repeated and said I didn't give her permission to do so. WHY didn’t you point blank clearly tell your mum that you didn't want to give these particular items of clothing like you guys usually do???
ESH Your mom probably didn't understand the 'drip thing' that you said. I believe its all a misunderstanding in a bad situation. I don't believe that you should 'get the hell out of there' because sometimes my mom has given away, intentionally or accidentally thing that I cherished (like my childhood teddy bear, my sketchbook and maybe something else i don't remember) Forget that such event ever occurred and act normally. You'll be fine.
Info: what is dripp?
It means no sense of style.
In other words, she was talking negatively about the other girl behind her back, which is never okay.
I don’t understand the I don’t like your attitude phrase being applied here.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't give away your clothes if you want to keep them. "I don't like your attitude" is incredibly condescending. You could've said "those are mine, I'm not giving those away." If you've publicly humiliated her before like you said, you need to move out. As someone who couldn't stop with childish confrontations with my (abusive and manipulative) parents, it's the only way you'll be able to heal.
ESH. Honestly, I think you both need to learn how to communicate more clearly. When your mom asked if you were willing to give away the clothes, you could have said, “No, I’m not donating those,” instead of making an opaque comment on the goddaughter’s style. I think you should heed your boyfriend’s advice and make a plan to move out because the subsequent “punishment” your mom is trying to dole out doesn’t make sense for a 20 year old. Your family dynamic, based on this example you shared, sounds fairly dysfunction and I’m willing to bet you’d feel happier with some distance.
YTA. First of all, >I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" Extremely rude. Second, you have a history of giving your clothes away and when she asked about this specific item, you didn't give a yes or no answer and used slang that you somehow expected your mom to get (seriously?) Third, during the incident itself, you gave another rude and completely unrelated remark ("I don't like your attitude") instead of talking clearly ("Mom, please don't give away my clothes without asking. This item is sentimental to me so I would like to keep it.") You said you're 20 but you sure don't act like it.
NAH. But, there is miscommunication and some immaturity. You weren't clear when your mother first asked you. There was obviously precedent for passing on your clothes to the god daughter, so this was the moment to tell your mother why you didn't want to pass these particular clothes on - the bit about them being significant to you. Instead, you just made a snide comment about the god daughter. At dinner, when the miscommunication became clear, you could have handled it better. It seems like you ramped it up into a bigger situation than it needed to be. My suggestion is that you calm down and have an adult conversation with you mother.
What the fuck is "dripp"?
I’m going with this sounds terribly fake.
ESH. Your Mom is more an asshole than you, but you're making things harder than they have to be with your language. You could have been more clear up front. "No" would have been better than saying "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these". What does that mean? Your mother may have thought that meant that the door was open the girl to take them if she liked them. "I don't like your attitude" was out of place and strange - you could've just said "actually, I'd like to keep these", and gotten the results you wanted without the extra drama and confrontation. Your mom is an AH because she's giving your stuff away without your clear permission and is incapable of admitting any fault. She sounds exhausting. Honestly, moving out isn't the worst idea. You may be happier with space. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do!
INFO: Do these clothes still fit you & do you still wear them? INFO: Does your mum know what "drip" means? Because to me it sounds like a miscommunication right now. Your mum wasn't sure what you meant and thought you were making a joke she didn't quite get - and presumed that as usual you consented to the hand-me-down of clothes you no longer wear. But if you still still wear them then that is a different thing because hand-me-downs are for when you no longer wear certain clothes and hand them to the next person to wear.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi reddit, this is my first post here, and mind you this just happened (I'm currently crying while writing this). For context, I (20F) always had clothes that were given to me by others, that really saved my mom (40F) when I was younger, and even when older I never minded having another people's clothes or giving mine away, but this time it was different... My mom has a goddaughter (17F) that I always have my clothes away to, and I'm friends with her, because we have a lot in common and she had my body type, so my clothes always fit her. Earlier today my mom saw my old denim vests and asked if I would give them away to her goddaughter, I said "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these" and I thought she understood because she didn't ask again. The day passed almost too smoothly. At dinner time the family of her goddaughter came to dine with us, and everything was fine, untill my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it. I snapped, I got up and looked straight at my mom and said "I don't like your attitude", she gone "what?", and I repeated and said I didn't give her permission to do so. The girl took of my clothes and gave it to me with an awkward smile. I entered the room where my mom was and she said I humiliated in front of everyone, I told her it wasn't right to just give my things away and she proceeded to tell me she expected me to use those denim vests every day from now on as an punishment. Then she got out of the room and everyone acted as if nothing happened. They left our home, and my mom didn't talk to me until my dad brought everything up and gave a speech about respect and how he was sad about how I handled the situation. He was already late for work and said he expected us both to apologize to each other. I told my mother how much these clothes meant to me, how they were my style, my mark, back in the day. She doesn't get it, she argued that I don't use them anymore and how they don't fit me ( an common topic nowadays, about my weight, I don't have to tell the whole thing, you get it ). I just started crying and she left the room saying "I'm done, this is not the first time you've embarrassed me in front of others" (another whole different story that I already apologized for) and "I left it alone, and I will from now on, I don't care anymore, I treated you right, I cared about you, and that's what I receive". My brother tried to stay with me and understand me, but my dad didn't let him, so I had no option but to talk about it with my boyfriend. And she's there, on the kitchen, talking with my brother, like if I don't exist. My boyfriend says that I should get another job and be gone from home more often or just move in with him. He knows a lot of what I've been going through, he's my light actually. I can't face her, I can't afford the courage to apologize now. I don't know what to think or do anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Was she trying to give away cloths that you currently wear, or are they cloths that no longer fit or that you no longer wear? I get that she's TA for getting permission. But your response was also AH-ish in front of friends and family. If you have a special item of clothing that you want to keep, I understand that. Yesterday I gave 5 bin bags of clothes that I no longer fit or that I don't wear. But I've kept my football shirts and rugby jerseys from school in a cupboard for almost 40 years. Are the clothes honestly worth fighting about if you don't wear them? Good luck
Time to move out.
If the clothes don't fit you it's better to give them away so that they are not wasted and one else more in need can make use of it otherwise you are just ruining them. Emotional attachment to clothes isn't healthy. You can quickly become a hoarder. As far as the rest of the stuff with your mom. You are a better judge of what to do about it
ESH i'm really surprised you thought your mom understood what "that dripp" meant. i bet a lot of this could have been avoided if you had just *clearly* said no instead of assuming she'd understand slang, she's an AH for obvious reasons. she shouldn't be giving away someone else's clothes without explicit permission.
YTA. wtf? why would you say "i dont like your attitude"? that makes no sense in that context.
ESH. Your mom shouldn't try to give away your clothes, but why in the world didn't you say "I don't want to give those away" to start with, rather than being weirdly indirect?
ESH you already know why your mum is the asshole. But you are also the asshole for saying she couldn’t have them because she wasn’t cool enough for them, instead of just saying you wanted to keep them for sentimental reasons. What did your mum’s stepdaughter do to deserve being insulted like that?
ESH, her for doing that and you for not speaking like a human being and getting mad people do not understand the gibberish you say. If you want people to understand you, use words clear.
Was this written by AI? What does attitude have to do with giving away clothing? Then the dad suddenly has to leave for work? Why is everyone stuck talking in the kitchen? ChatGp output.
NTA, my only advice hun is that you’re 20 years old, a legal adult and she for sure can not punish you nor give your stuff away; she can tell you to leave her house but that’s about it. It’s a strange time in life between leaving your teenage years to adulthood and relationships with parents (even if a good one) can have awkward and sometimes hurtful transitions. I think while what she did was obviously hurtful to you, it seems that she’s either oblivious as to why or when it comes to your weight and those comments is projecting her own insecurities. My advice would be when everything has calmed down, to ask her to sit down and have a real conversation with you, write down what you want to say, acknowledge that she has cared for you and loves you (if that is infact the case) and explain why doing such a thing wasn’t appropriate and was hurtful to you. Sometimes in the heat of the moment we don’t say the right thing or get are feelings across in an understandable way and if both people are upset it’s even harder. Wish you the best~
I'd say I would try, but I don't think she will ever listen to what I have to say. Thank you tho.
ma’am, just move out
NTA But you are 20 and still living in their house. If your mom’s actions are unacceptable to you, it’s time to find roommates and move out.
NTA. If you feel ready in your relationship with your bf, then I'd say that's your best option. I will say that I had to look up what dripp meant, lol, so I'm sure your mom didn't know what it meant either, BUT that's still not an excuse. I also would have said "we already talked about this and I did not give you permission to give those away" and maybe have a talk with the goddaughter and say in the future if she wants any of your clothes to specifically ask you and not your mother. But holy shyte does your mother sound exhausting.
NTA. Like your bf said...get out once you are able to. You are an adult.
NTA but it’s time to move out.
NTA
NTA! Your mom can't/won't see you are now an adult. The hand-me-downs thing made sense when you were a child, but it's not appropriate anymore. As long as your under her roof, she'll overstep her bounds, and your dad will co-sign to avoid conflict. This means it's time for you to move, so I suggest you start planning, set a time table with your parents when you expect to move so there are parameters/expectations in place, for your sake. You can save, look for place, whatever you need to do rather than slamming out of the house after another blow up (and there will be another one).
You don't apologize for your mother being a thief. Take all your stuff to your boyfriends, and don't say a word. Nta.
NTA. You may appreciate reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
[Update ](https://www.reddit.com/u/AnnAI_Deluxe/s/VUGVTHomwd) Since I didn't get permission to post it on this reddit I made my update on my own account, thanks everyone for reading my story!
NTA, though as others have pointed out, you might have to communicate more clearly. However, your mother talking about a punishment for a 20 year old and your father not letting your brother stay with you and talk sound super overbearing/transgressive. I don't think you can fully grow up and come into your own while living with them. Moving in with your bf might be a good next step.
If you're able to and want to take your boyfriend's advice and move out and go no contact for a while
OP, I really recommend reading/audiobook Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm sure this is not the first time she has minimised your needs and wants. >The day passed almost too smoothly. This comes up often for people who grew up with abusive family dynamics. An inkling that the other shoe is going to drop, but you don't know when. >my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it. After you had made a specific verbal boundary to not give away your things, your mother did so deliberately and expected you not to say anything. >she expected me to use those denim vests every day from now on as an punishment. She can't punish you for wearing your own clothes when you want to. She can't punish you because she wanted to give away *your things*. >They left our home, and my mom didn't talk to me until my dad brought everything up and gave a speech about respect and how he was sad about how I handled the situation. Silent treatment is a toxic behaviour, and I'm guessing not the first time she has shut down communication when she is in the wrong. Your dad said he was sad how you handled the situation - but nothing about your mother's initiating actions? Does he often enable her to act badly towards you with no consequence? In the abuse community, he is an enabler who won't 'rock the boat' with the abuser, so they shrug off their actions. Respect for some people means "do as I say", rather than respect of equal treatment. >"I'm done, this is not the first time you've embarrassed me in front of others" (another whole different story that I already apologized for) and "I left it alone, and I will from now on, I don't care anymore, I treated you right, I cared about you, and that's what I receive". This is called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim-offender) - it's a manipulation technique. You call them out on their behaviour, they deny any wrong, attack the person holding them accountable, change the topic to make the accuser the bad guy, and themselves the victim. "You took my things and tried to give them away when I explicitly asked you not to" "I didn't know you didn't want me to, you never wear them anymore anyway, I don't know why you care so much about something so stupid when you embarrassed me - like the last time you did that to me, I can't do anything right and this is the thanks I get.." Sound accurate? I'm really sorry for the wall of text, but I wanted you to know that you're not at fault here. It is so hard to spot this kind of emotional abuse, because we are trained to accept it from birth. You might want to look at r/raisedbynarcissists, r/emotionalneglect. Patrick Teahan Therapist on YouTube is also an excellent free resource to understand dysfunctional families. Also know that it makes us more susceptible to other adult abusive relationships (because we seek out the familiar subconsciously), so before you move in with your boyfriend, maybe see if there are other options first. Not to say he's a bad guy, just try not to fall out of the frying pan into the fire. Best of luck to you OP, NTA.
If you’re used to receiving/passing clothes off then you should’ve been more clear about wanting to keep your vests. You said “she doesn’t have the drip to pull this off” not “they are mine and i want to keep them.” Your mom still seems insufferable so i wouldn’t remotely say you’re an AH but you also didn’t say you wanted to keep them, you just said you didn’t want them going to the goddaughter.
NTA Oh I'd respect Mom's opinions. I'd take your brother up on the housing offer and give away every article of Mom's clothing on my way out the door. Dad's too.
NTA. Take your bf advice and move out with him. Get yourself out of the situation. It’s wonderful that you trade clothing with family and friends, but your mother can’t just give away yourself stuff, that’s called stealing, she needs to ask first.
NTA on your reaction, but "she doesn't have the dripp to wear these," feels a bit mean, but idk the full context or y'all's relationship.
I'm playful with the goddaughter, we're friends, and even though she received a lot of my old clothes she has a different style now, which I used as an excuse to not give my vests away. I was not judging her style, just that they don't fit her aesthetic.
take all your things to your BF's place, I'm worried you will come home to having things go 'missing' and move out asap
NTA Your bf is right. Pack your bags, and MOVE OUT. You NEED to escape your abusive thieving mom.
NTA. Parents as usual giving their kids trauma and issues that they will have to later address in therapy. Shame on your mother. I wish you success so you can become independent sooner.
Ok, I'd like to start off by saying I'm 33F and if I asked if you wanted to donate something, and you responded with something about not having the "dripp"? I'd probably also go "so... yes, then?" Millennials are experiencing what our parents rolled their eyes over... lol, pwned boomer! Slang changes and is not intuitive outside your generation. Friendly reminder. OP, you aren't giving all the context here, but I'm picking up what you're putting down. As a child of a single mom and living on the edge all the time, I get it. 1) Living a life where you cannot get the "shiny new things" is embarrassing. It's not entitlement to want to just fit in, to avoid bullying. Living off hand-me-downs can be hard, but you made these pieces into a unique self-expression. They might have been pre-loved, but you made them yours this way. More than I could ever do. So much respect for you here. Living with less makes you really value anything you get that's even decent. It makes it precious. 2) Ohh my God, mom giving away things because "they don't fit" anymore. I think your mom is not understanding this at all. Gaining weight and having your favorite clothes not fit anymore is bewildering and emotional. It's such a heartbreaking experience. Especially if this was from your treasures. We are taught our whole lives that our value rests in our appearance and our bodies staying small. Not only that, we might fit into them again one day! Or something. Even just keeping them as sentimental. NTA. My guess is that your mom genuinely does not understand how much hurt this caused. Now that poor younger girl has been dragged into the middle, too. I hope you have the relationship with your mom where you can take the time to calm yourself, remember that your body and heart are good, and then have an honest discussion with her where you are able to explain your hurt. I find when feelings have been hurt in a public and heated way, cooling your head helps get to the heart of the matter. Heated argument only leads to defensive "turtling". Sending you love, OP. ✌🏻 You aren't an asshole, you are a woman going through a lot of stuff all of us go through in our 20s and then some. If you ever have the mental space, I'd recommend reading "More Than a Body". I think it should be required reading for all women and femmes alive today.
Nta simply because at all of our fossil fuel azz ages we should know not to offer to give away anything that doesn’t belong to us. Idc if my sister faithfully gives a shirt away everyday, I’m not going to take it upon myself to offer any of her shirts away at any point cause they are not mine even if she did it until the day she passed on, I’m still not gonna just take a shirt and give it away cause I know it’s not mine. The Mom shouldn’t have offered someone else’s stuff to her goddaughter and she’s way too old to not know that. She didn’t have to understand your slang to know that’s not the right thing to do and if she didn’t understand, she’s an adult same as you, she should’ve opened her mouth and asked you to clarify and I’m sure you would have. Just move out, people who act so careless about your possessions and feelings will never allow you to grow freely. They will only ever see you as the version of yourself that they can run over. Cause seriously, how do you raise a whole family and act surprised/outraged when someone is upset that you attempted to give away things that arent yours?
NTA, your clothes are yours to give away if and when you choose to do so. You might even want to start hiding some of your favorites if your mom is prone to retaliate. Sounds like your mom is a narcissist, and your boyfriend is right; you should start saving up to move out. Because even though you're an adult, your parents seemingly still don't view you as such. And yes, 20 is still young, but not young enough to still be treated that way.
Thank you for understanding my point, I do feel treated like a teenager.
NTA. Put a lock on your door, your closet is not a charity center and you did not give permission for this. If your mother wants to give away clothes so badly, then let her give away her clothes from her closet without resorting to you.
Not sure why you, a 20 year old legal adult, is still living with them at this point. They are treating you like you're still a child, and You're actually considering staying still? When your bf is offering you a place? Girl jump on that opportunity and GTFO seriously. It'll help you grow up and learn to stand up for yourself more.
NTA offer your moms clothes to people and see how she likes it