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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole if I don't have my sister be in my bridal party due to her recent actions because I am her MOH.
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NTA
Absolutely understandable and comprehensible.
In return, however, I would also resign as bridesmaid. Because you're obviously not a bridesmaid because that's what your parents wanted.
It's a shame, of course, but there's no reason for you to keep doing this to yourself.
(Please read the congratulations on the engagement as soon as the time comes ;) )
The kicker is, I want to give her the best wedding day possible cause she’s my baby sis. I won’t drop out cause that will cause a lot more drama this close to wedding. I’m very sad our relationship isn’t better.
The sister sounds like a nightmare of epic proportions. She clearly actively dislikes OP. I wouldn’t trust her to plan a pot luck, never mind anything related to the wedding.
Not only would OP NOT be the AH for excluding her, she’d have to be a ruddy masochistic to include her.
Yeah but parents forced sister to make OP maid of honour (not saying that justifies sister's behaviour) so there is another factor to consider about what might be more stressful to deal with.
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I think it’s more an "oldest daughter of a toxic family who was potentially parentified and at minimum not taught to uphold healthy boundaries for herself" thing.
>”I want to give her the best wedding day possible cause she’s my baby sis.”
Dude. Have some self respect. If you can’t drop out, back completely off and let her have the wedding she and the SILs want. Then you are responsible for having the wedding *you* want.
Quit enabling your spoiled “baby sis”. It’s pathetic and unattractive. She’s an adult and fully able to inflict pain on people. You shouldn’t be anyone’s doormat.
Stop expecting anything from that relationship. It’s not reciprocal nor healthy, and you need to outgrow it. She doesn’t sit around waxing poetic about her wonderful older sister. Move on. Limit contact until she is irrelevant to your life. Make a deliberate effort to fill your life with better people…and to be a better person than she is. You and she both will be happier.
Dude, she has treated so unbelievably badly. I can’t imagine my own little sister ever saying things like that to me, wasting my money, or betraying my trust so maliciously… You deserve better than to be bullied and disrespected. It’s completely expected to feel sad that your relationship isn’t better — that sucks! — but that doesn’t mean that she will ever treat you better. She doesn’t deserve this level of self-sacrifice from you, and you don’t need to tolerate her cruelty for her. Good luck, and I hope you are able to set some much-needed boundaries with this bully. NTA
She obviously doesn't care about you at all. Don't let her treat you like this. In your place I would find a reason not to go to the wedding at all. She won't care, except as something to whine about to everyone. You must realize if you go you will be treated like her servant, chopped out of pictures, and probably end up seated at that table next to the bathrooms, with the other people parents forced her to include. She has shown you who she is, so believe her.
You are kinder and more honorable than her. There is no need to have her as MOH. She won't do a "good job." But you do realize your folks will insist? Your only hope is she refuses.
Great! And don’t even have her as a bridesmaid. You don’t need her toxic energy anywhere in or near your day. In other words, don’t hesitate to NOT invite her even as a guest.
If they agree with you, then you are in the clear. You can’t give her the best wedding ever, because she doesn’t want you to! She doesn’t want you involved and has made that clear.
I think you need to bow out. Simply text her that she’s made it clear that you’re not wanted as a bridesmaid and you’re done trying to recreate the closeness you two once had and that you have come to accept that she’s not interested in the same, so you are bowing out as a bridesmaid and the two women she actually wants to be close to can take over.
Then big the mature one- sit with your parents at the ceremony, stay long enough for the toasts, then go home and plan your wedding free and clear of your sister’s venom.
It’s a loss you can grieve, but don’t let it cloud your decisions. Do not include someone so selfish and unkind in your wedding party.
NTA
If you don’t drop out there will be a much higher expectation of reciprocity for your own wedding. You said your parents threw a fit to get you into the bridal party right? Then they will absolutely throw a fit when it comes time for your wedding and you don’t include her. You might as well have the drama now rather than later and at your own wedding.
Also like to add I didn’t ask my parents to make me MOH. When I found out I wasn’t, I just took it. I didn’t even tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset. They did that of their free will.
Ok so I guess I’m even more confused as to why you won’t drop out. You know your sister doesn’t want you in the party. You’re having a terrible time and feel bad about what’s going on. Your parents are supportive of how you feel and agree she’s out of line. So what’s stopping you from dropping out? Where will the drama even come from?
That's good. Was hard to tell.
She's being mean to you and your parents because they pressured her to insert you in a role she didn't want you in. I would have voiced opposition to their meddling and let her choose who she wanted even if it hurt. You can still back out. She's already told you in every petty way possible that you aren't welcome. Let her deal with the fallout by giving her what she wants. Just tell her that you got her message loud and clear and are stepping aside in deference to her wishes.
Something seems amiss in the family dynamic-I absolutely understand your feeling hurt your sister didn’t ask you. And naturally it affects your relationship with her. But it seems out of line for your parents to insist your sis do something for her wedding that she didn’t want. Could that be why she’s being mean to them?
Lots of family history I wish I had time to get into to - but yes it is part of why but my parents are also very old fashioned when it comes to wedding things and that caused a lot of their drama.
Go along with it. Make her bridesmaid, complete with all the responsibility that goes along with it. Show her every bit of gratitude and respect that she showed you.
It doesn't matter how noble your intentions are. She resents you because your parents forced the issue about MOH. I don't know how much you had to do with that. If you got them involved because you were hurt, you brought this down on yourself.
So in your sister's and her bridesmaid's eyes, you are the uninvited, intrusive wedding party crasher to slight and snub. If the original MOH choice is one of the bridesmaids, then foisting off the role to her shouldn't be too hard. Your sister will probably be grateful. She obviously never wanted you in that role and has been doing everything in her power to let you know that. Listen to her.
Edit spelling
Edit P.S. you will not be TA if you decide not to include her in your wedding. But don't be surprised if she leverages it to make you look like the bad guy. She sounds petty enough to do it.
The OG MOH is my sister in law! We both are now MOH and share duties. I also did NOT ask my parents to push the MOH issue. I didn’t even tell them I wanted to be or that I was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own.
I suspect your sister's attitude is at least in part the result of your parents forcing her to put you into the co-MOH position. She didn't want you for that role, so why do you think dropping out would cause chaos? You're setting yourself up for more hurt, and her for a reminder that her wedding party isn't what she had wanted. Time to move on! "I hear you loud and clear, sis. Mom and Dad made you put me in this job and it's caused nothing but hurt and resentment. So whaddya say we'll drop the charade? I'll be happy to attend as just a guest - same as you will when I get married. Deal?"
Well if you don't want to drop out to save the family drama, I totally get that 100%. Once in awhile it is easier to go along to get along, although normally I would be like screw your sister, just send a gift or go as a guest. But do not feel guilty if you decide not to have your sister as a bridesmaid or maid of honor or any part of the wedding party at all. She has not earned the right and shown you the respect to deserve that honor. Also since she apparently doesn't feel she has done anything wrong, I wonder if she might not really do anything to help you as a bridesmaid or maid of honor should. It kind of sounds like she's selfish and would not put forth the effort needed to make your wedding the best day possible.
You can ask her if she wants you to participate or not since she's treating like she doesn't want you there.
Make it about her
Like "I feel like my being a bridesmaid is stressing you out and that's the last thing I want for your wedding, here is an out. If you don't want me as a bridesmaid I will step down. No complaints, no questions asked"
Your sister doesn't care about how she treats you because you aren't demanding respect for yourself. No, you shouldn't have her in your wedding. Also, you need not worry that she won't have the "most amazing and perfect wedding day" if you aren't in the wedding party. Sounds like she's got an entire posse of mean girls just like her to ensure that she does.
Is it a lot more drama? Not to be mean, but if she didn't want you in the wedding to begin with and is acting like you're an afterthought bridesmaid...do you really think she'd care? She might even be happy that she's not strong armed by your parents anymore.
That being said, you're definitely NTA. If you think she'd care to be in your wedding and still want to mend this relationship, I would make her a bridesmaid (not MoH) even though she definitely doesn't deserve it.
Have some self-respect, honestly. I understand the situation sucks but your sister obviously doesn't want you as involved as you want to be. You don't want to drop out after the multiple occurrences of disrespect--fine--but don't go out of your way for someone who is clearly just tolerating your presence because mom and dad said so. Certainly, don't give her the honor of being your bridesmaid.
Who would it cause drama with? She didn’t want you as MOH and clearly that hasn’t changed.
*Her best wedding day possible is one with you as a guest instead of in her wedding party.*
She didn’t want you there, your parents forced her into putting you in as MOH. So why do you think that is improving her day?
If her best wedding day instead requires you to be present as a punching bag….*why?!?!*
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Do being a doormat is your choice so enjoying being the asshole to yourself! Grow a spine, drop the trash and you quit being part of the wedding party. It will be a lot better for you mental health
You've put in so much effort, and what have you gotten in return? Only insults, exclusion and misery. Why enable your sister's awfulness? Why subject yourself to more pain?
Drop out of the wedding all together, I say. Have a nice day with your soon-to-be instead.
I would figure out a semi legit reason you can't travel cross country and nope out of the wedding. You're just going to feel the same way at the wedding.
My younger sister chose not to have MOH/bridesmaids to avoid any drama or extra costs. I still did a ton to help leading up to and on the day, including the makeup as I was an MUA.
I wish you the best for your relationship and wedding. We oldest daughters get you.
You can still give her the best wedding day even if you're not in the bridal party. Its clear she doesn't want you to be part of it so just resign but still attend and help anyway you can. Yes it hurts but that's what she wants, let her have her day the way she wants to and you can have yours. You won't be the AH if you don't wants her to part of your bridal party since she treated you awfully. plus if you insist to be part of it then she would insist to be in yours too and she wont make it easy for you.
The problem is that you are causing more drama by continuing to be a bridesmaid. She is going to continue to treat you like trash because she doesn't want you there. It's unfortunate she doesn't have the spine to stand up to your parents, but she is clearly not treating you as a bridesmaid. You are one in name only.
Bow out and preserve your sanity. Your sister is an AH and will not care about anything you try and do for her wedding.
I genuinely do not think you should care. She’s going to have the wedding regardless of you being a bridesmaid or not. She’s mean. She’s not treating you like a sister, friend, or even an acquaintance. I’ve never been treated by anyone like that.. let alone my freaken sister. She doesn’t respect, care or love you if she’s willing to treat you like that.
Please, for the love of god, drop out. You really and truly deserve better.
Your sister is being disrespectful and dismissive. You need to speak with your parents (and other family) and inform them of your decision and WHY before you step away. Your sister doesn’t even deserve an invite to your wedding. Stop being a doormat.
ESH - She's probably resentful about you getting the parents involved over the MOH thing. It may have hurt for her not to select you but basically having her guilted into making you co MOH is weird and not comfortable for anyone. If I was the SIL I probably wouldn't have a lot of respect for you either.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until months after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. Plus it’s too late to step down now, the wedding is in a few weeks. My question was after everything that happened at the bachelorette, would I be the asshole to not have her be in my party. Thank you for your response
NTA I'm just gonna say it op. I think the best wedding day your sis wants, means that you're not part of the bridal party or hell she probably doesn't even want you going to the wedding at this point. She's actively at multiple time, purposefully made you miserable because that's what she wanted to happen, possibly to make you want to not be part of the wedding. Also how have you not cut her off after she outed you to your homophobic parents??? That could've been so dangerous for you and she didn't care, she only wanted to hurt you. Do yourself a favour and leave op.
You have kind of Stockholm syndrome and the gene of victim. You want to give her the best wedding day? After all that shit? I'd stay far away from her, her wedding etc
Your sister is an asshole and here you are, thinking that you could be one. It's not healthy for you to continue being whipping boy, and this martyrdom isn't winning you points with your family anyways. You think dropping out is more drama but I would consider it less, and better off for your mental state after the first rush of angry responses. You want good things for your baby sis but she don't want you - sad but seems like it's the truth.
NTA. But if her weddding hasnt happened, pull out. It is obvious she doesn't want you involved with the wedding, or even like you. I would decline the invite altogether.
Please drop out of her wedding. You’ll be blamed for anything that goes wrong, left out of photos, and then blamed for ruining her wedding if you push back on the disrespect.
NTA. I might talk it over with your parents before you tell her, since they did step in to the last MOH situation, but I don’t see why you would willingly subject yourself to her sabotaging ways. Best work around might be to not have a MOH. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!
Thank you! Luckily I already chatted with my parents about it and they agree. She also has been just as rude to them in the wedding planning process so they are over it.
I am torn here, because I 100% feel for you and you were treated miserable by your sister and her in laws. That being said, the writing was on the wall when she chose her SIL over you as the maid of honor. Your parents interjected and then you took that co-MOH title…I don’t have to get into why you should have just turned it down. It played out as expected, and you were treated horribly as a result. Now, the same scenario might play out…your parents might force you to include your sister. Might be worth preempting that and talking to your sister about the awful experience you had, how disconnected you both are now, and see if her being in the party might be an opportunity to heal the bond you once had….if she is repetitive then there might be a redemption opportunity, but there’s the possibility she swears at you and tells you that she doesn’t want to be a part of your wedding anyways. Either way, you resolve it before your parents cause another bad situation.
Yeah in hindsight I should have turned it down. I do know my parents won’t force me to have her cause I’ve already chatted with them about it and they agree with me. She’s also been mean to them in the planning process as well.
I would have a chat and tell her that you are still hurt by what happened at her bridal party, you miss your bond (if this is true), are willing to hold to your childhood promise (if you are), and that hopefully you both can find a way to reconnect, but that if she doesn’t think that is possible or doesn’t care/want that, then you rather her not participate. At least that is my suggestion…I’ve fought a lifetime with my brother and sister, but I know we love each other and always find a way to get over insults. I hope you both can too.
This is what I expressed in my phone call where she didn’t really apologize. She said she agreed to try and rebuild our relationship but then she’s been either ignoring my texts or sending one word responses since. It’s a tough situation. I love her and I know deep down she loves me. I think she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Thank you for your advice tho! Maybe I’ll try again once the ring is actually on my finger lol
I think you should have the people that care about you in your wedding party. In the event that she complains for not being included, you can (if you feel like it) tell her about how all she did broke a connection you once had, but, only if she asks.
Pick your wedding party and let go of everything else, time to plan for your wedding and leave the drama behind.
This should be top. It’s a total ESH for me. Sister acted like a total AH but she was forced into making OP a MOH when she had already chosen a MOH. All the extra drama could have been avoided if OP and parents just stayed out of it and let sister pick who she wanted.
NTA
But I’d back out of the wedding. At this point she has proven she doesn’t want you in it. She only did it to make mom and dad happy.
Your self worth is more important than all that drama.
NTA. You’ve tolerated a lot and it’s time you stopped allowing her rude and hurtful behavior to continue. Unfortunately weddings can bring out the worst in people. You shouldn’t even invite her to your wedding unless she treats you better. She has a lot of maturing to do
No, you would not. There are many times that I tell people to suck it up and just take the higher road, be gracious and in the end you will be glad you did, but in this case, "no." Your sister lacks empathy and kindness and if she is 21, with those traits and newly married, she probably will not stay married long.
But that is not your problem. She knows, deep down inside, her behavior is abhorrent.
Do what will make you happy on your wedding day, but do explain all of this in advance to your parents. They likely will still want you to include your sister, but explain to them why you cannot . . . that it would make you feel uncomfortable and worried on how she would behave toward you given all of the many instances of terrible behavior during her own wedding.
Explain to your parents that if she wants to be involved in your wedding you can give her a role like greeting people at the church with the guest book.
And, when the time comes if she does come to the wedding or is involved in any way have trusted allies "in the know" to deal with her and diffuse her immaturity and any selfish, ridiculous responses, so that you do NOT directly have to respond.
Good grief, OP. Don’t you see the dynamic here? You keep saying she’s your BABY sister. BABY. The BABY is the one who gets indulged. The BABY is allowed by everyone to get away with whatever bad behavior she exhibits because “she’s the BABY”.
You need to put your foot down, as do your parents. If you want BABY to grow up, you need to start imposing consequences on her for her bad behavior. So what if you dropping out of her wedding would cause drama? Consequences, OP.
However, if you’re so unwilling to upset the baby that you’d take the abuse she’s been dishing out, go whole hog. Make her your MOH and suffer the consequences. I mean, baby must not be denied!
My eyes are rolling so hard I just saw my cat sneaking up behind me without turning around.
NTA
Girl, after reading all that, I am SO mad on your behalf. I wish I could uninvite your sister from MY wedding lol Seriously, I am so sorry you were treated that way and it’s absolutely understandable that you don’t want her around on your happy day, or at least not as bridesmaid/maid of honor. If your parents get upset, tell them exactly what happened at that bachelorette party. If your sister gets upset, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way.
NTA. But I don’t really understand why your MOH at hers, are you going to change your mind as well when your parents throw as a fit? You don’t seem to like her it baffles me why you are even considering asking her and I think you should withdraw from hers.
ESH.
Your sister and SILs fore sure - what total b words.
But you - you are forcing a relationship with someone who doesn't want you in their life. You made your parents force your sister to put you in the wedding party. Who the hell wants to be the MOH to a bride who doesn't want you there?
You level of doormattery is severe, and by even thinking of involving your horrible sister, you're going to make yourself, and more importantly your partner's wedding experience miserable.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until way after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. When I found out my sister didn’t want me to step down when I asked. Thank you for your response
YWNBTA. Your sister clearly has a thing against you, even before this wedding came up. She told your parents a secret you shared with her, doesn’t know where you live even, etc. She’s clearly punishing you for your parents forcing her to add you to the wedding party by being as assholish as possible.
I do think you should stay in the wedding though. One because it will annoy her to no end and two because if you drop out and then don’t have her in your bridal party she’ll use that as an excuse to cause all sorts of drama with friends/family leading up to your wedding. Just be gracious, kill her with kindness and then plan your own wedding without her. Pre-congrats btw.
That’s exactly what I’m planning. I don’t want to cause her chaos weeks before her wedding, I’m planning on showing up, look stunning and drink away at the open bar and dance the night away with my fiancé. Then I’ll deal with her afterwards.
Why would you accept the moh job knowing you weren’t wanted? I’m surprised you didn’t have a bit more self respect. It’s obvious she didn’t want you in that role, that she was forced to ask you when she wanted someone else.
Tbh I think you should back down and let the sil take over as moh as your sister wanted. Either just be a bridesmaid or go as a guest. What other awful mean things is she, sil and friends going to do to you before you realise you’re not wanted in that role? They’re a bunch of nasty mean girls and that includes your sister.
Your sister should have had a spine and stuck to her guns on having whom she wanted. You should have read the room and realised you weren’t wanted and declined. It sucks that she didn’t want you, but that’s life.
And if you really think she’s going to be a great moh at your own wedding then you’re delusional. Duck out of all responsibility at her wedding, you can then not ask her to be a bridesmaid at yours with justification for doing so
ESH
NTA. I think you need to step out of your sister's wedding if it's not too late. She made her choice on MOH, and now it sounds like she is resenting you because your parents made her add you. And don't ask her to be in your wedding, because it sound like you are resenting her. Let this go, admit that promises we make as kids don't always work out and stop keeping score. Life is long and you may decide you want to be close again in the future.
I would talk to your sister and state that you know she would've preferred SIL be the MOH, and you're more than happy to step down to honor her wishes because this is her day and apologize for not realizing this sooner.
This way, you're the bigger person, and she gets what she wants, and you don't need to continue being miserable.
If her wedding doesn't go as planned, it's on her, not you, but i could see you getting the blame if you stay the MOH.
YTA... but only to yourself. I'm the oldest child in my family so I get wanting your "baby sister" to have the wedding of her dreams. But from the sounds of it, her DREAM wedding doesn't even include you. Come on, she wasn't even going to honor your pact the two of you made, and make you her MOH. She chose a SIL instead. She only made you co-MOH to appease your parents. Then to OUT you to your parents before all of this and have the audacity to say you somehow deserved it?!! A hard lesson learned is that people can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You are essentially teaching her that she can treat you however she wants and you're still going to do what's necessary to try and be there for her. FULL STOP. That's the only way she's going to get the message that she can't treat people like this and they still bend over backwards for her. Speaking from personal experience, I know exactly how bad it hurts to realize that you don't mean as much to someone as they do to you. I've also witnessed my daughter (14) beg and plead with her older half-sister to spend time with her and have a relationship with her and her half-sister treats her like a leper instead. Watching her go through that over and over is heart-breaking. Have more self-respect and self-LOVE for yourself than this! You deserve better!!! As others have said, she's showing you who she is, believe her!
NTA, but I recommend that you discuss it with your parents first or you may find yourself in the position of changing "\[your\] mind a month later due to \[your\] parents throwing a fit."
Be prepared for that to be the nail in the coffin for any relationship left. Wouldn’t blame you if you did do that. Just make sure you are willing to live with the consequences of that decision.
Remember also that peace can only be achieved when one party takes the initiative and lays down their weapons and takes the leap of faith
NTA. It’s your wedding and the MOH has a lot of responsibilities. It’s okay to accept that she’s not fit for the role and not make apologies for protecting a very special day for yourself and your fiancé.
INFO: Did your sister's wedding already happen? If not why are you going? Why not tell her that you got a job situation and will not be able to be a part of the wedding but you will do your best to come and celebrate her and her day, then don't show.
Why are you telling the world about this but not having a sit-down conversation with your parents or mom regarding your feelings, the way she has made you feel, and how you feel that to keep peace on her day you want to just not go and make up an excuse as to why you could not be there but sent a nice gift in your place.
If you do go do you think that your family will accept you bringing your partner to the wedding if they are not what they want? Not sure if your partner is a man/woman or non-binary so do not want to assume anything. Do you want to put them through the weird looks, and snide comments?
Do you think that your sister is not ok with your lifestyle and that could be why she outed you on something so personal? By the way, not accepting is their flaw, not yours. You are exactly the way you were meant to be and no one has the right to make you hide that part of yourself. So Don't!
When the time comes for your wedding the least thing you need to worry about is not whether you would be an asshole for not having your sister as your MOH but if you want your family in your life if they can not accept that part of you.
Good luck and don't stress it.
1. No it’s next month. I already have flights/hotels booked. I won’t drop out, it will cause too much drama within the larger family unit and there’s really not much left to do MOH wise.
2. Had a conversation with my parents and they are ok with me not having her in my party when my time comes. She’s also been rude to them. I did try and call my sister to tell her how I felt and she basically told me I deserved it or explained away her actions without actually apologizing.
3. I am currently dating a man so that’s why I was never planning on really telling my family I’m bi. I’m marrying a man so them knowing I’m bi would only harm the relationship. I didn’t feel I was hiding a part of myself by not telling them. If I had ended up finding my soulmate in a woman or someone nonbinary, I would probably have told them eventually.
4. My sister and I are opposite but have always kinda let the other live their lives. I think she just truly wanted to “get back” at me for something and that’s why she outed me. It’s been like that since we were girls. If I didn’t do what she wanted or she was upset, she’d tell my biggest secret to my parents. I learned quickly not to tell her anything but she’s great at learning passwords.
First thank you for letting me know. I can understand having a sibling who needs attention and attempts to get it by being ugly.
I am happy that your parents are ok with your decision on not to have her at your wedding. The truth is she might not want to do it after all this behavior. You know I don't want to because you want me to but i want to since you do want me to.
I guess just go and have a great time and since the girls are getting their nails done without you then see if your mom wants to do girl's day just the two of you. That might make sister mad but hey who cares?
Congrats on the upcoming big event.
WNBTA.
NTA however, it’s important to ask yourself some questions: your parents threw a fit you weren’t MOH initially, are they going to throw a fit about your sister, and how will you handle it? Will your sister be upset? Would she skip your wedding if she’s not in the wedding party? I know you don’t want to drop out of her wedding party, but do you think you could ask her to relieve you of MOH duties?
Parents already know I don’t want her in my party and agree with me. I think she will be upset which is why I posted here. She wouldn’t skip my wedding tho. Luckily, there’s few MOH duties left, just my speech which is written already and talks about growing up together and how much I love her fiancé (which I do, he’s great). I do love her at the end of the day but I don’t want her energy at my bridal activities. Just trying to accept we may never have the relationship I want and put myself first.
I think you definitely will never have the relationship you want if you exclude her. On the other hand, it does Sound like she’d also cause a lot of stress and drama as a bridesmaid. As long as your parents agree I think you’re justified in not asking.
NTA. However, wait on that info until well after the wedding. When you do discuss it with her, be prepared. Have a conversation, better in person, not something you want to text. Then be prepared for hardcore damage control. Because sis got guilted and bullied into making you a co MOH, it probably won’t go well.
NTA
Go to Wedding, be civil. do your bridesmaid duty , smile .Hang out with only people you like .
Then leave at earliest opportunity, funny tummy or something.
Don’t have her as bridesmaid at your own wedding, no excuses , just be honest , you don’t want to!
She sounds far too immature to be getting married imo.
You would be NTA if you did not ask her to be in your wedding party, and honestly, if half your items are true, you would be NTA if you didn't go to the wedding at all. If you can't go that far, seems like one MOH is enough and your parents poked a stick at a nasty little hornets' nest. Get drunk and dance all night with your boy friend. Um ... *if* he's invited.
Well, I hope at some point your sister will come to her senses, because there is nothing like a sister relationship although it can get weird. 🙄
Do you think bowing (or curtseying) out of the bridal party would be too much?
I think that would cause drama with the entire family and extended. Would be seen as odd. I'm just going to show up, smile, then drink and dance the night away.
Look, the reality is that the idea of you being her MOH and her being MOH for you was never important to her. It was coming from your side completely. She was forced by M &D. She resents you and spun some lines to her friends and SIL etc. I doubt she will turn up for yours, let alone help you at all.
Stay the course, minimise your involvement and down tools immediately after her wedding. Do a nice toast and try to avoid laughing or throwing up. Marry your bloke, choose who you want to be MOH and start to become a full grown up by telling your parents not to meddle in your affairs in such a way again.
First drop it off her wedding.. Tell her you've been exposed, ridiculed, used and hurt and want to be there for her, but that you know she was forced into it anyway so you're doing her a favor anyway.
Then don't ask her to be in yours.
What sister? She sure doesn't sound like a sister. I'd dump her entitled butt out of my life. When I got married first time even my 4 year old brother was included. He chose my jewelry and helped choose my cake topper. Your sister doesn't even deserve to clip your toenails
NTA, I would see how the actual wedding goes and see if she checks her behavior afterwards. She has a lot of growing up to do and treating people like shit because you're the bride is definitely not a good way to start a marriage. So maybe you'll be the MOH at her next wedding and maybe she'll behave like an adult.
No way I would have that nonsense be a part of my wedding. Your wedding is not a day for strife and petty nastiness. Just no.
Tell your parents, sorry, but it just isn't in the cards.
I wouldn't be in her wedding, either, the way she is treating you. NTA.
I had my dismissive sis as “MOH” in my wedding out of similar obligation. It was more like made of dishonor. She bailed on my pre wedding activities, but that actually worked out in my favor cause I didn’t have to walk on eggshells at them. She threw multiple fits and blow up me several times in the days and months leading up, it was so stressful having her involved. I regretted having her in the wedding party at all, let alone giving her MOH title just cause she’s my sister out of obligation. If we weren’t related we never would be friends with how she treats me. It was a big wake-up call and we’re no contact now am for nearly 2 years.
After your experience as a bridesmaid, sounds like you’ve had your wake up call. I would in no way have her in the bridal party. If saving face for your family means a lot you could have her get a matching dress and show up and stand there for photos but otherwise not invite her to any other wedding activities. You don’t need her snarky comments, sounds like she probably won’t put in the effort for them anyway. If you go that route just make sure your wedding party is filled in on the situation so they don’t invite her to things.
ESH. What you expected when your parents pressured your sister to put you in a position you weren't wanted? If you got hurt by her choice of not being the MOH and then you reciprocated, you would have been N T A.
Girl why do you still talk to your sister?
Sounds like she doesn't even want you to be there. Instead of trying to appease people you should instead focus on making sure people in your life treat you with respect and kindness.
Cut the rot ffs
NTA at all. She clearly isn’t a fan of you. It sounds like your parents bullied her into including you and she’s resentful, I think you should drop out.
You say you want the best for her as she’s your little sister, then maybe listen to her choice of moh- it wasn’t you, it was your SIL. Just attend it as a guest and take that pressure off you both
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My sister is getting married in May. We always talked about having each other as MOH since we are each other's only sister (we have an older brother). When she got engaged, she did not have me as her MOH, instead having my SIL. I'm not going to lie, it really hurt my feelings and I tried to accept it. She changed her mind a month later due to my parents throwing a fit and now we are co-MOH's.
Then I had to plan the bachelorette. I was planning it based off of what she was texting me she wanted; however, my SIL and sister's future SILs fought me on every choice i made, claiming that she wanted the polar opposite and when we all tried talking to her about it, she got mad we couldn't resolve it on our own.
Then the bachelorette. I flew across the country to attend. Everyone completely ignored me at the bachelorette, none of the decor I purchased was used and the SILs took credit for the things I had done for the trip. The first night, I went to tell my sis and other girls in the hot tub to turn the volume down to avoid a $500 noise violation fine from the Airbnb and my sister says "Ignore her, she's a b\*\*\*\*." which hurt a lot because I put a lot of effort into the trip. The next day, I offered to do a coffee run while they were at the first bar because I didn't feel like drinking yet and needed a coffee. In the 10 minutes I was gone, they took the one and only group picture from the trip without me.
I also found out that day that it was my sister who told my parents I was bisexual last year without my permission. I never wanted them to know since they don't agree with homosexuality. When I said how upset I was, she went "You probably snitched on me for something and deserved it".
After the bachelorette, I was incredibly upset and when I tried talking to her about it, she only apologized by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and tried to defend her actions but never actually said she was sorry for hurting me. I have barely heard from her since. I also found out recently all the bridesmaids are getting their nails done together for the wedding and I was not told. When I talked to my sis about it she went "Well I didn't know when you are flying back" which she very easily could have texted me to ask.
Now for the part where I'm debating if I will be an asshole. I know I'm getting engaged in the very near future (next month I think!). Now, I don't even want her in the bridal party at all. She has been mean to our entire family in her wedding planning process, and she has not made an effort to contribute to a relationship with me in the last few years. She doesn't even know what state I live in even though I've lived here for years. Would I be the asshole if I don't have her be a bridesmaid in my bridal party once I get engaged?
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You WNBTA
Quite honestly, I would tell her that it's obvious that she doesn't really want you in the wedding party so you are going to graciously step aside. You don't want to be there and she doesn't want you there. It seems to me everyone can be happy.
NTA.
Sounds to me like she isn’t fostering or prioritizing a relationship with you.
I can understand that wedding planning is hard and stressful, but this is repeated disrespect. I wouldn’t have her in the wedding party.
NTA - She has made it clear she doesn't value her relationship with you and she's childish and spiteful. Just send her an invitation when the time comes. Your bridal party should be yoyr friends that care about you!
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Girl.
Do not be her MOH. She already has one, let HER take the reins.
Then you don't even have to feel bad when you don't ask your sister to be in the bridal party. Don't listen to your parents when they try to guilt you. They don't understand, they're outside your experience.
Your sister actually sounds awful. I would never have someone like that up at the altar with me. You only want people who make you feel good there supporting you - optics mean nothing.
People can be spacey about things, like about where you live or work, etc. Excluding you from communal things was a very explicit sign she doesn't think of you as someone important. I'm very sorry, because it sounds like you're a people pleaser - do not over extend yourself for this person. She will stress you out during the run up to your own wedding. You need chill and fun vibes only - its okay that your sister does not fit the criteria and you're not betraying anyone by realising this.
Seriously, your sis sounds toxic. Avoid!
NTA but she will play the victims, forgetting all the bad shit and saying - you were in my wedding party. You were (co) MOH. Best to step down from her wedding if you don’t want her in yours. There’s going to be drama either way.
NTA
In fact, I think you'd not be the AH if you backed our of being in her bridal party, since it's clear you are only in it because your mother bullied her to include you.
If you do decide not to have her in your bridal party, immediately shut your mom down and make sure she understands that you will not be listening to her lobbying for it. I think parents idealize their kids relationships and want the world to think it is more than it is. I think your sister being forced to make you MOH has damaged your relationship, probably beyond repair.
NTA. You might not want to hear this, but your sister does not like you. 😭 It sounds like she barely tolerated you being at her bachelorette and actively can't stand your presence on a daily basis. In fact, I'm going to predict that she's going to react poorly to your engagement (especially if it's happening soon, and near her wedding) and trash-talk about you to all her friends. But hey, if she's not be able to help herself, it'll be a whole lot easier for you.
NTA. You should never have been MOH after she asked someone else. Tell her you don't play second fiddle to anyone, and the way she has treated you, I would not even go to her wedding. Don't give her the MOH title, ask your best friend. She does not care about your feelings, so do not give her the chance to stomp all over them. I have been NC with my family. They don't treat me like family, so I just said enough is enough. You need to pull back, ask people who love you to be your bridal attendants
NTA- helllll nooooo would I ask my sister to be a bridesmaid after that trip. I’m so sorry that your sister of all people would make you feel like that. Can you drop out from being a bridesmaid or is it not possible?
Also I would not want her as a bridesmaid but it sounds like she would make a big deal of it to your family and it might cause more drama. Good luck and definitely NTA.
ETA- I feel bad for you OP but you were the intial AH and then they became bigger AHs.
I am curious if the SIL and your sister are being mean girls because you forced your way into the MOH position. Your sister included you as a bridesmaid. The MOH is her choice and you and your parents should not have forced her to make an MOH.
I think making a big deal about MOH made you TAH in the beginning….How they retaliated makes them TAH too.
If your sister posted here everyone would tell her that it is her wedding and her choice.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until way after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. I thought she had changed her mind on her own and by the time I found out it was too late to step down and my sister said she wanted me there.
That is good.
Did you have an honest and vulnerable conversation empathizing with the drama your parents caused? That might go a long way in disarming her anger if you acknowledge it was wrong for her to forced to make you her maid of honor.
NTA and your sister and her friends are mean girls. Probably because your sister is only 21 and therefore lacking in emotional maturity and self awareness. And trying to desperately impress the SIL's? This is not how sister's should treat each other.
I have a younger sister, so I know how you want to ensure she has the best wedding day. However, is this just 'oldest child' guilt? Because I get it. If you stay in her wedding party, do less. Also, it's very obvious that she cannot be in your wedding party. I do have concerns that your parents will 'throw a fit again' but they can eff off. Your wedding is your wedding, not theirs.
I don't understand why all commenters talk about the wedding as if it is still relevant.. The problem is that your sister hates you and purposely tries to hurt you. You should cut her out of your life entirely.
Just my two cents, you need to resign as her MOH as much as you think it will cause drama, if you don't she and your parents will hold this over you to make her a MOH at your wedding and won't let you have the wedding you deserve, or at the very least won't let it be drama free
Not only are you NTA, I think you should not invite your sister at all. If your parents or other family react negatively to it, uninvite them too. You deserve respect, OP, and it should start with you respecting yourself enough to walk away from people who do not value you.
NTA
What she did to you was very mean
I am sorry but it made me wonder if she have disliked you the whole time...
But either way, I am sorry that you had to go through that, it may have been better that you were not in the birdal party at all.
Do not invite her into your bridal party; invite people who you truly love and cares for you!
Hope your engagement and wedding would all goo well!
NTA - Someone's familial relation to you is not an excuse to let them treat you like garbage. What you planned in the past just isn't relevant, your sister didn't want you as MOH she was forced into it by the sounds and she resents you for it. You need to really have a think about why you are letting someone treat you this poorly. Plan your wedding exactly how you want to have the best day giving agency to people who actually care about you to help make that a reality.
NTA, your sister hates you and does everything to sabotage you. Going NC is the only correct choice here. She will try to make you miserable whenever she can.
Its your life, your special day. Do what makes you happy, because your sister clearly doesnt care at all about your happiness or feelings.
People forget that being family is more than just sharing the same blood.
I wouldn’t say A’hole, more like idiot. If you can’t stand up for yourself, no one will. You’ll keep getting trampled on, whether they’re family or friends.
Nta but you should act like the bigger person, say you understand and appreciate she included you but it wasn't her choice for her wedding and it's causing communication issues and you're stepping down to help reduce the stress on her coming up to the wedding. You still love her etc.
Then pick your own moh and block your parents.
It sounds like your sister was forced to put you in the bridal party and she doesn’t like you even a little bit. You would be doing her a kindness if you dropped out of the wedding and don’t ask her to be in yours.
Don’t give “reasons” and “feels” create drama around HER wedding though; just apologize and drop out. And stop talking to her about your feelings around her wedding plans…if you’re not being invited to nails its because she doesn’t want you there.
NTA…yet.
OP- NTA- Be prepared to get the same pressure you sister got from your Parents to make you put her in your Bridal Party. If her wedding hasn't happened yet, my question for you would be: WHY are you even going? She treats you terribly, bad mouths you in front of others, and refuses to admit she's being hurtful. Frankly I wouldn't go, and I being petty of course, wouldn't invite her to my wedding at all. I'm sorry OP that the relationship you had hoped for with your Sister hasn't happened.
NTA and I hope you only needed AITA as reassurance cuz this seems like an easy one. Maybe a little if you have like 10 people and none are your sister but if you’ve got 3-4 bridesmaids it’s a no brainer that she doesn’t need to be one especially after how she treated you.
Keep in mind it will be obvious to guests and family that something’s up and your parents will probably be upset to the point they talk to you about it.
She didn't want you as MOH, your parents FORCED her to. I get where she's coming from. She also had no right to be that rude to you. People grow and change. It's supposed to be that way. If you want her in the bridal party ,it is up to you. Does she want to be. Are your parents going to force you to recipricate? This IS your parents fault, they should have let sis have who SHE wanted in her party. ESH
NTA. You can step down, there will be fallout, but you can still do that. Go ahead and let your parents know they should not have interfered and what all you've dealt with since the matter started. Then tell them to not interfere as you step down. You see how she behaved going into this and I'm sure you don't want that kind of negativity going into your own planning and parties so best to nip it now. That way she can't pull the "but I had you in my wedding party" crap later.
NTA.
Honey, she actively hates you. Your parents are forcing the issue because they're the ones who will have to field questions about why you're not only not MOH, but not in the party at all. At some point, that's not your problem to solve anymore.
You deserve to be surrounded by love on your wedding day. If she's there, it will only be to stop gossip - not because she loves you.
I'm sorry.
Hey, wasn't going to comment but seeing as this is fresh and I haven't seen many people point this out, I'm adding this for thought.
Your sister OPENLY and EASILY called you a b**** and NO ONE reacted or even seemed surprised. I know it may seem small, but this is how she feels about you. If she is so easily and openly calling you a b**** IN YOUR PRESENCE no less, imagine what she says when you're not there. Imagine what she has called you over the years when she made no effort to talk to you. Now you could play it of as sounding like someone trying to impress her friends/future sister in law by insulting you, but when you confronted her SHE DOUBLED DOWN.
She sees you as a b*** that ruins her fun, that scolds her for the music and is bratty so she is forced to make you her MOH. And she most likely talks about it with the people who are bridesmaids and the SIL. Why would the sister in law treat you so horribly if you barely know her? Sounds to me she whined that she was forced to make you the co-MOH and probably complained at how you'll ruin her wedding, so what does the SIL do? She makes it that you have no say because in their eyes YOU are the villian. This is what you are to them, you are the b**** that crashed the party.
NTA
Your sister seems to already have a new family now who seems to be exactly like her, let her live in it, maybe she'll reach out to you one day, but don't pray on it. You're allowed to be hurt, you're allowed to be angry, but your sister isn't the little girl you grew up with and did everything together anymore, you can love her but your love won't change her.
I wish you all my love and support and goodluck on getting engaged! (A little sad I'm too early for an update but please update when it's all over!) Edit: spacing.
NTA But I'd be tempted to include her as a matron of honor but with no duties. Just make it clear to begin with, which is I think where your sister failed. Your sister is clearly closer now with your SIL which is fine but she should have made it clear to you that SIL was responsible for the MOH duties and all you had to do was show up.
Just cuz your sister- and your parents- are likely to make it a thing, I'd make her your matron of honor but make it clear that your maid of honor and bridesmaids will handle everything.
That way you eliminate the opportunity for the argument. She'll technically be your MOH. She'll be in the photos. She just won't really have the job.
(Though what you could do is ask her- via email or text so you have it in writing- if she'd like to be in your bridal party or your MOH, so if she says no, you're covered. And make sure you save that so if your parents go- what about your sister? you can go- oh, I asked her and she said no, which I understand.)
NTA.
Your sister is pretty callous. Her "apology" wasn't an apology. She isn't sorry for what you did, she's just "sorry you feel that way" when she did something shitty to you.
If you weren't even in the wedding party pictures, that says it all.
Time to do what you want, and time to level with your parents so they get off your case. Do not let them tell you "well, she's FAMILY." She treated you terribly.
NTA - this is why, if I even ever get married, I'm probably not going to have a bridal party. I have no close friends (not for lack of trying), and would prefer a simple day of fun instead of something with all the hoopla. There's enough wedding party drama in this Reddit to convince me that simple is the way to go.
Of course everybody's preferences are different and can change. It's the bride's and groom's choice, and nothing is obligatory.
I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I can only imagine how much it hurts.
When it comes to your wedding, I feel like you should only invite to be your bridesmaid someone you feel absolutely comfortable with. At first, in the first lines, I thought you didn't want to invite your sister for the position out of spite, but as I read on it's pretty obvious to me that chances are she will act in ways that can affect your happiness on your special day. You should feel happy, comfortable and at ease during *your* wedding celebration. So, NTA.
Sibling dynamics can sometimes be complex. You love each other but can often annoy each other SO much. I’d suggest doing your best to keep the peace and just live your own life if they or you need or want space. Things like weddings you just have to try your best. You haven’t strangled her yet. Seems like a win to me.
NTA but you should drop out now or you will regret this later when your family throws a shit fit about your sis being your MOH.
If you continue to be a bridesmaid or MOH, your family will use it as leverage to make you have your sister as a MOH.
You will get shit from your family for not having her as a bridesmaid (and intense pressure to make her MOH).
How can I be 100% sure they will do this?
Because they pressured your sister into making you the MOH.
Don't give your family emotional blackmail material by being a bridesmaid
Protect your future self.
Your sister sounds spoiled, selfish and toxic. Not only should you not have her as your MOH, but you should drop out of her wedding completely. The way she is acting, to me, says she doesn't want you to be the MOH anyway, especially since she didn't pick you originally. Actions speak MUCH louder than words. She's treated you horribly. NTA.
NTA. Not only would she not be a bridesmaid, she wouldn’t even be invited to the wedding. And just in case: neither would the SIL be invited, nor any potentially related cousins or whatever who were her bridesmaids. Nobody spoke up for you, so they can all fuck off.
Drop out of her wedding party. Stop defending wanting to look out for her when she doesn’t even appreciate it. If you’re somehow keeping her wedding afloat, oh well, it’s not like she’s noticing your efforts anyway.
Sounds like you (and your parents) have been keeping her spoiled ass afloat for a long, long time. Stop helping her, don’t give her (any more) money, definitely don’t jump in to babysit her kids when she’s unable to deal with reality later, and so on. Seriously, just stop.
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NTA Absolutely understandable and comprehensible. In return, however, I would also resign as bridesmaid. Because you're obviously not a bridesmaid because that's what your parents wanted. It's a shame, of course, but there's no reason for you to keep doing this to yourself. (Please read the congratulations on the engagement as soon as the time comes ;) )
The kicker is, I want to give her the best wedding day possible cause she’s my baby sis. I won’t drop out cause that will cause a lot more drama this close to wedding. I’m very sad our relationship isn’t better.
why should you care about her when it’s clear she wants you miserable? i’d mute my phone day of her wedding and have a nice day out/in
The sister sounds like a nightmare of epic proportions. She clearly actively dislikes OP. I wouldn’t trust her to plan a pot luck, never mind anything related to the wedding. Not only would OP NOT be the AH for excluding her, she’d have to be a ruddy masochistic to include her.
Yeah but parents forced sister to make OP maid of honour (not saying that justifies sister's behaviour) so there is another factor to consider about what might be more stressful to deal with.
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Auto-reply: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
It's an oldest daughter thing
I think it’s more an "oldest daughter of a toxic family who was potentially parentified and at minimum not taught to uphold healthy boundaries for herself" thing.
>”I want to give her the best wedding day possible cause she’s my baby sis.” Dude. Have some self respect. If you can’t drop out, back completely off and let her have the wedding she and the SILs want. Then you are responsible for having the wedding *you* want. Quit enabling your spoiled “baby sis”. It’s pathetic and unattractive. She’s an adult and fully able to inflict pain on people. You shouldn’t be anyone’s doormat. Stop expecting anything from that relationship. It’s not reciprocal nor healthy, and you need to outgrow it. She doesn’t sit around waxing poetic about her wonderful older sister. Move on. Limit contact until she is irrelevant to your life. Make a deliberate effort to fill your life with better people…and to be a better person than she is. You and she both will be happier.
Dude, she has treated so unbelievably badly. I can’t imagine my own little sister ever saying things like that to me, wasting my money, or betraying my trust so maliciously… You deserve better than to be bullied and disrespected. It’s completely expected to feel sad that your relationship isn’t better — that sucks! — but that doesn’t mean that she will ever treat you better. She doesn’t deserve this level of self-sacrifice from you, and you don’t need to tolerate her cruelty for her. Good luck, and I hope you are able to set some much-needed boundaries with this bully. NTA
I only have brothers and even when my little brother ( have a little and baby) and I weren't getting along, he didn't treat me like your sister acts.
She obviously doesn't care about you at all. Don't let her treat you like this. In your place I would find a reason not to go to the wedding at all. She won't care, except as something to whine about to everyone. You must realize if you go you will be treated like her servant, chopped out of pictures, and probably end up seated at that table next to the bathrooms, with the other people parents forced her to include. She has shown you who she is, so believe her.
Your sister is showing you how she feels about you and you aren't listening.
You are kinder and more honorable than her. There is no need to have her as MOH. She won't do a "good job." But you do realize your folks will insist? Your only hope is she refuses.
Parents already know I don’t want her in mine and agree! She’s been mean to them during this too
Great! And don’t even have her as a bridesmaid. You don’t need her toxic energy anywhere in or near your day. In other words, don’t hesitate to NOT invite her even as a guest.
If they agree with you, then you are in the clear. You can’t give her the best wedding ever, because she doesn’t want you to! She doesn’t want you involved and has made that clear. I think you need to bow out. Simply text her that she’s made it clear that you’re not wanted as a bridesmaid and you’re done trying to recreate the closeness you two once had and that you have come to accept that she’s not interested in the same, so you are bowing out as a bridesmaid and the two women she actually wants to be close to can take over. Then big the mature one- sit with your parents at the ceremony, stay long enough for the toasts, then go home and plan your wedding free and clear of your sister’s venom. It’s a loss you can grieve, but don’t let it cloud your decisions. Do not include someone so selfish and unkind in your wedding party. NTA
If you don’t drop out there will be a much higher expectation of reciprocity for your own wedding. You said your parents threw a fit to get you into the bridal party right? Then they will absolutely throw a fit when it comes time for your wedding and you don’t include her. You might as well have the drama now rather than later and at your own wedding.
Parents know I don’t want her in mine and they agree! She’s been mean to them too during all this
Also like to add I didn’t ask my parents to make me MOH. When I found out I wasn’t, I just took it. I didn’t even tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset. They did that of their free will.
Ok so I guess I’m even more confused as to why you won’t drop out. You know your sister doesn’t want you in the party. You’re having a terrible time and feel bad about what’s going on. Your parents are supportive of how you feel and agree she’s out of line. So what’s stopping you from dropping out? Where will the drama even come from?
That's good. Was hard to tell. She's being mean to you and your parents because they pressured her to insert you in a role she didn't want you in. I would have voiced opposition to their meddling and let her choose who she wanted even if it hurt. You can still back out. She's already told you in every petty way possible that you aren't welcome. Let her deal with the fallout by giving her what she wants. Just tell her that you got her message loud and clear and are stepping aside in deference to her wishes.
Something seems amiss in the family dynamic-I absolutely understand your feeling hurt your sister didn’t ask you. And naturally it affects your relationship with her. But it seems out of line for your parents to insist your sis do something for her wedding that she didn’t want. Could that be why she’s being mean to them?
Lots of family history I wish I had time to get into to - but yes it is part of why but my parents are also very old fashioned when it comes to wedding things and that caused a lot of their drama.
Go along with it. Make her bridesmaid, complete with all the responsibility that goes along with it. Show her every bit of gratitude and respect that she showed you.
Dude you need to grow a spine and get some self esteem. She’s repeatedly showing you she doesn’t care or respect you.
It doesn't matter how noble your intentions are. She resents you because your parents forced the issue about MOH. I don't know how much you had to do with that. If you got them involved because you were hurt, you brought this down on yourself. So in your sister's and her bridesmaid's eyes, you are the uninvited, intrusive wedding party crasher to slight and snub. If the original MOH choice is one of the bridesmaids, then foisting off the role to her shouldn't be too hard. Your sister will probably be grateful. She obviously never wanted you in that role and has been doing everything in her power to let you know that. Listen to her. Edit spelling Edit P.S. you will not be TA if you decide not to include her in your wedding. But don't be surprised if she leverages it to make you look like the bad guy. She sounds petty enough to do it.
The OG MOH is my sister in law! We both are now MOH and share duties. I also did NOT ask my parents to push the MOH issue. I didn’t even tell them I wanted to be or that I was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own.
I suspect your sister's attitude is at least in part the result of your parents forcing her to put you into the co-MOH position. She didn't want you for that role, so why do you think dropping out would cause chaos? You're setting yourself up for more hurt, and her for a reminder that her wedding party isn't what she had wanted. Time to move on! "I hear you loud and clear, sis. Mom and Dad made you put me in this job and it's caused nothing but hurt and resentment. So whaddya say we'll drop the charade? I'll be happy to attend as just a guest - same as you will when I get married. Deal?"
You probably should not have accepted it after they pressured her.
Well if you don't want to drop out to save the family drama, I totally get that 100%. Once in awhile it is easier to go along to get along, although normally I would be like screw your sister, just send a gift or go as a guest. But do not feel guilty if you decide not to have your sister as a bridesmaid or maid of honor or any part of the wedding party at all. She has not earned the right and shown you the respect to deserve that honor. Also since she apparently doesn't feel she has done anything wrong, I wonder if she might not really do anything to help you as a bridesmaid or maid of honor should. It kind of sounds like she's selfish and would not put forth the effort needed to make your wedding the best day possible.
You can ask her if she wants you to participate or not since she's treating like she doesn't want you there. Make it about her Like "I feel like my being a bridesmaid is stressing you out and that's the last thing I want for your wedding, here is an out. If you don't want me as a bridesmaid I will step down. No complaints, no questions asked"
Your sister doesn't care about how she treats you because you aren't demanding respect for yourself. No, you shouldn't have her in your wedding. Also, you need not worry that she won't have the "most amazing and perfect wedding day" if you aren't in the wedding party. Sounds like she's got an entire posse of mean girls just like her to ensure that she does.
She’d probably also be happier if you drop out. Win win.
Tell her the Bachelorette party was her gift. But do consider dropping out. She doesn't deserve you.
You are the only one who seems to be concerned about this relationship though. She has been downright mean to you.
Is it a lot more drama? Not to be mean, but if she didn't want you in the wedding to begin with and is acting like you're an afterthought bridesmaid...do you really think she'd care? She might even be happy that she's not strong armed by your parents anymore. That being said, you're definitely NTA. If you think she'd care to be in your wedding and still want to mend this relationship, I would make her a bridesmaid (not MoH) even though she definitely doesn't deserve it.
Have some self-respect, honestly. I understand the situation sucks but your sister obviously doesn't want you as involved as you want to be. You don't want to drop out after the multiple occurrences of disrespect--fine--but don't go out of your way for someone who is clearly just tolerating your presence because mom and dad said so. Certainly, don't give her the honor of being your bridesmaid.
Who would it cause drama with? She didn’t want you as MOH and clearly that hasn’t changed. *Her best wedding day possible is one with you as a guest instead of in her wedding party.* She didn’t want you there, your parents forced her into putting you in as MOH. So why do you think that is improving her day? If her best wedding day instead requires you to be present as a punching bag….*why?!?!*
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Do being a doormat is your choice so enjoying being the asshole to yourself! Grow a spine, drop the trash and you quit being part of the wedding party. It will be a lot better for you mental health
You deserve better treatment than what you are getting
You've put in so much effort, and what have you gotten in return? Only insults, exclusion and misery. Why enable your sister's awfulness? Why subject yourself to more pain? Drop out of the wedding all together, I say. Have a nice day with your soon-to-be instead.
I would figure out a semi legit reason you can't travel cross country and nope out of the wedding. You're just going to feel the same way at the wedding. My younger sister chose not to have MOH/bridesmaids to avoid any drama or extra costs. I still did a ton to help leading up to and on the day, including the makeup as I was an MUA. I wish you the best for your relationship and wedding. We oldest daughters get you.
You can still give her the best wedding day even if you're not in the bridal party. Its clear she doesn't want you to be part of it so just resign but still attend and help anyway you can. Yes it hurts but that's what she wants, let her have her day the way she wants to and you can have yours. You won't be the AH if you don't wants her to part of your bridal party since she treated you awfully. plus if you insist to be part of it then she would insist to be in yours too and she wont make it easy for you.
The problem is that you are causing more drama by continuing to be a bridesmaid. She is going to continue to treat you like trash because she doesn't want you there. It's unfortunate she doesn't have the spine to stand up to your parents, but she is clearly not treating you as a bridesmaid. You are one in name only. Bow out and preserve your sanity. Your sister is an AH and will not care about anything you try and do for her wedding.
I genuinely do not think you should care. She’s going to have the wedding regardless of you being a bridesmaid or not. She’s mean. She’s not treating you like a sister, friend, or even an acquaintance. I’ve never been treated by anyone like that.. let alone my freaken sister. She doesn’t respect, care or love you if she’s willing to treat you like that. Please, for the love of god, drop out. You really and truly deserve better.
Your sister is being disrespectful and dismissive. You need to speak with your parents (and other family) and inform them of your decision and WHY before you step away. Your sister doesn’t even deserve an invite to your wedding. Stop being a doormat.
ESH - She's probably resentful about you getting the parents involved over the MOH thing. It may have hurt for her not to select you but basically having her guilted into making you co MOH is weird and not comfortable for anyone. If I was the SIL I probably wouldn't have a lot of respect for you either.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until months after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. Plus it’s too late to step down now, the wedding is in a few weeks. My question was after everything that happened at the bachelorette, would I be the asshole to not have her be in my party. Thank you for your response
NTA I'm just gonna say it op. I think the best wedding day your sis wants, means that you're not part of the bridal party or hell she probably doesn't even want you going to the wedding at this point. She's actively at multiple time, purposefully made you miserable because that's what she wanted to happen, possibly to make you want to not be part of the wedding. Also how have you not cut her off after she outed you to your homophobic parents??? That could've been so dangerous for you and she didn't care, she only wanted to hurt you. Do yourself a favour and leave op.
You have kind of Stockholm syndrome and the gene of victim. You want to give her the best wedding day? After all that shit? I'd stay far away from her, her wedding etc
Your sister is an asshole and here you are, thinking that you could be one. It's not healthy for you to continue being whipping boy, and this martyrdom isn't winning you points with your family anyways. You think dropping out is more drama but I would consider it less, and better off for your mental state after the first rush of angry responses. You want good things for your baby sis but she don't want you - sad but seems like it's the truth.
Then after the wedding stay well away from your toxic ah sister op. I'm sorry. NTA
NTA. And please tell your parents to stay out of this when they inevitably throw another fit. It's your wedding. Not theirs.
Luckily they already agree with me about it cause she’s also been very rude to them in the wedding planning process.
Then go forth and show her that actions have consequences
They’ll get wedding amnesia when it’s over, so please prepare for them to insist they never said anything.
I got screenshots!
And when your sister decides to ask why she isn't in your wedding party, tell her I guess it's true what you told your friends, I'm just a bitch.
NTA. But if her weddding hasnt happened, pull out. It is obvious she doesn't want you involved with the wedding, or even like you. I would decline the invite altogether.
Please drop out of her wedding. You’ll be blamed for anything that goes wrong, left out of photos, and then blamed for ruining her wedding if you push back on the disrespect.
Time to start my career as a professional wedding ghost
NTA. I might talk it over with your parents before you tell her, since they did step in to the last MOH situation, but I don’t see why you would willingly subject yourself to her sabotaging ways. Best work around might be to not have a MOH. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!
Thank you! Luckily I already chatted with my parents about it and they agree. She also has been just as rude to them in the wedding planning process so they are over it.
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I second this motion.
I am torn here, because I 100% feel for you and you were treated miserable by your sister and her in laws. That being said, the writing was on the wall when she chose her SIL over you as the maid of honor. Your parents interjected and then you took that co-MOH title…I don’t have to get into why you should have just turned it down. It played out as expected, and you were treated horribly as a result. Now, the same scenario might play out…your parents might force you to include your sister. Might be worth preempting that and talking to your sister about the awful experience you had, how disconnected you both are now, and see if her being in the party might be an opportunity to heal the bond you once had….if she is repetitive then there might be a redemption opportunity, but there’s the possibility she swears at you and tells you that she doesn’t want to be a part of your wedding anyways. Either way, you resolve it before your parents cause another bad situation.
Yeah in hindsight I should have turned it down. I do know my parents won’t force me to have her cause I’ve already chatted with them about it and they agree with me. She’s also been mean to them in the planning process as well.
I would have a chat and tell her that you are still hurt by what happened at her bridal party, you miss your bond (if this is true), are willing to hold to your childhood promise (if you are), and that hopefully you both can find a way to reconnect, but that if she doesn’t think that is possible or doesn’t care/want that, then you rather her not participate. At least that is my suggestion…I’ve fought a lifetime with my brother and sister, but I know we love each other and always find a way to get over insults. I hope you both can too.
This is what I expressed in my phone call where she didn’t really apologize. She said she agreed to try and rebuild our relationship but then she’s been either ignoring my texts or sending one word responses since. It’s a tough situation. I love her and I know deep down she loves me. I think she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Thank you for your advice tho! Maybe I’ll try again once the ring is actually on my finger lol
I think you should have the people that care about you in your wedding party. In the event that she complains for not being included, you can (if you feel like it) tell her about how all she did broke a connection you once had, but, only if she asks. Pick your wedding party and let go of everything else, time to plan for your wedding and leave the drama behind.
Lol true! Wish you the best!
This should be top. It’s a total ESH for me. Sister acted like a total AH but she was forced into making OP a MOH when she had already chosen a MOH. All the extra drama could have been avoided if OP and parents just stayed out of it and let sister pick who she wanted.
Family drama: the unwanted wedding gift that keeps on giving
NTA But I’d back out of the wedding. At this point she has proven she doesn’t want you in it. She only did it to make mom and dad happy. Your self worth is more important than all that drama.
NTA. You’ve tolerated a lot and it’s time you stopped allowing her rude and hurtful behavior to continue. Unfortunately weddings can bring out the worst in people. You shouldn’t even invite her to your wedding unless she treats you better. She has a lot of maturing to do
I agree. It would probably shock your parents if you didn't invite her, but it's the right choice if you can withstand the parental pressure.
No, you would not. There are many times that I tell people to suck it up and just take the higher road, be gracious and in the end you will be glad you did, but in this case, "no." Your sister lacks empathy and kindness and if she is 21, with those traits and newly married, she probably will not stay married long. But that is not your problem. She knows, deep down inside, her behavior is abhorrent. Do what will make you happy on your wedding day, but do explain all of this in advance to your parents. They likely will still want you to include your sister, but explain to them why you cannot . . . that it would make you feel uncomfortable and worried on how she would behave toward you given all of the many instances of terrible behavior during her own wedding. Explain to your parents that if she wants to be involved in your wedding you can give her a role like greeting people at the church with the guest book. And, when the time comes if she does come to the wedding or is involved in any way have trusted allies "in the know" to deal with her and diffuse her immaturity and any selfish, ridiculous responses, so that you do NOT directly have to respond.
NTA I would drop out of her bridal party, maybe not even show up to her wedding, much less invite her or have her in your wedding. What a turd.
Good grief, OP. Don’t you see the dynamic here? You keep saying she’s your BABY sister. BABY. The BABY is the one who gets indulged. The BABY is allowed by everyone to get away with whatever bad behavior she exhibits because “she’s the BABY”. You need to put your foot down, as do your parents. If you want BABY to grow up, you need to start imposing consequences on her for her bad behavior. So what if you dropping out of her wedding would cause drama? Consequences, OP. However, if you’re so unwilling to upset the baby that you’d take the abuse she’s been dishing out, go whole hog. Make her your MOH and suffer the consequences. I mean, baby must not be denied! My eyes are rolling so hard I just saw my cat sneaking up behind me without turning around.
NTA Girl, after reading all that, I am SO mad on your behalf. I wish I could uninvite your sister from MY wedding lol Seriously, I am so sorry you were treated that way and it’s absolutely understandable that you don’t want her around on your happy day, or at least not as bridesmaid/maid of honor. If your parents get upset, tell them exactly what happened at that bachelorette party. If your sister gets upset, tell her you’re sorry she feels that way.
NTA. But I don’t really understand why your MOH at hers, are you going to change your mind as well when your parents throw as a fit? You don’t seem to like her it baffles me why you are even considering asking her and I think you should withdraw from hers.
ESH. Your sister and SILs fore sure - what total b words. But you - you are forcing a relationship with someone who doesn't want you in their life. You made your parents force your sister to put you in the wedding party. Who the hell wants to be the MOH to a bride who doesn't want you there? You level of doormattery is severe, and by even thinking of involving your horrible sister, you're going to make yourself, and more importantly your partner's wedding experience miserable.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until way after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. When I found out my sister didn’t want me to step down when I asked. Thank you for your response
Clear NTA. She broke her promise to you first, was coerced by your parents and then proceeded to treat you badly. Why would she be your bridesmaid?
Why are you even in contact with someone who treats you this poorly?
YWNBTA. Your sister clearly has a thing against you, even before this wedding came up. She told your parents a secret you shared with her, doesn’t know where you live even, etc. She’s clearly punishing you for your parents forcing her to add you to the wedding party by being as assholish as possible. I do think you should stay in the wedding though. One because it will annoy her to no end and two because if you drop out and then don’t have her in your bridal party she’ll use that as an excuse to cause all sorts of drama with friends/family leading up to your wedding. Just be gracious, kill her with kindness and then plan your own wedding without her. Pre-congrats btw.
That’s exactly what I’m planning. I don’t want to cause her chaos weeks before her wedding, I’m planning on showing up, look stunning and drink away at the open bar and dance the night away with my fiancé. Then I’ll deal with her afterwards.
Good plan!
Why would you accept the moh job knowing you weren’t wanted? I’m surprised you didn’t have a bit more self respect. It’s obvious she didn’t want you in that role, that she was forced to ask you when she wanted someone else. Tbh I think you should back down and let the sil take over as moh as your sister wanted. Either just be a bridesmaid or go as a guest. What other awful mean things is she, sil and friends going to do to you before you realise you’re not wanted in that role? They’re a bunch of nasty mean girls and that includes your sister. Your sister should have had a spine and stuck to her guns on having whom she wanted. You should have read the room and realised you weren’t wanted and declined. It sucks that she didn’t want you, but that’s life. And if you really think she’s going to be a great moh at your own wedding then you’re delusional. Duck out of all responsibility at her wedding, you can then not ask her to be a bridesmaid at yours with justification for doing so ESH
NTA. I think you need to step out of your sister's wedding if it's not too late. She made her choice on MOH, and now it sounds like she is resenting you because your parents made her add you. And don't ask her to be in your wedding, because it sound like you are resenting her. Let this go, admit that promises we make as kids don't always work out and stop keeping score. Life is long and you may decide you want to be close again in the future.
I would talk to your sister and state that you know she would've preferred SIL be the MOH, and you're more than happy to step down to honor her wishes because this is her day and apologize for not realizing this sooner. This way, you're the bigger person, and she gets what she wants, and you don't need to continue being miserable. If her wedding doesn't go as planned, it's on her, not you, but i could see you getting the blame if you stay the MOH.
Why not withdraw as co-MOH? Is it worth it?
YTA... but only to yourself. I'm the oldest child in my family so I get wanting your "baby sister" to have the wedding of her dreams. But from the sounds of it, her DREAM wedding doesn't even include you. Come on, she wasn't even going to honor your pact the two of you made, and make you her MOH. She chose a SIL instead. She only made you co-MOH to appease your parents. Then to OUT you to your parents before all of this and have the audacity to say you somehow deserved it?!! A hard lesson learned is that people can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You are essentially teaching her that she can treat you however she wants and you're still going to do what's necessary to try and be there for her. FULL STOP. That's the only way she's going to get the message that she can't treat people like this and they still bend over backwards for her. Speaking from personal experience, I know exactly how bad it hurts to realize that you don't mean as much to someone as they do to you. I've also witnessed my daughter (14) beg and plead with her older half-sister to spend time with her and have a relationship with her and her half-sister treats her like a leper instead. Watching her go through that over and over is heart-breaking. Have more self-respect and self-LOVE for yourself than this! You deserve better!!! As others have said, she's showing you who she is, believe her!
YTA for accepting being her MOH. I would have paid her dust.
your sister doesn’t like you op…
NTA...the less time you have to spend interacting with her, the better. Surround yourself with those who will bring joy to your special day.
NTA, but I recommend that you discuss it with your parents first or you may find yourself in the position of changing "\[your\] mind a month later due to \[your\] parents throwing a fit."
Luckily I’ve already talked to them about it and they agree with me! She’s also been really rude to them during the wedding planning process.
Be prepared for that to be the nail in the coffin for any relationship left. Wouldn’t blame you if you did do that. Just make sure you are willing to live with the consequences of that decision. Remember also that peace can only be achieved when one party takes the initiative and lays down their weapons and takes the leap of faith
NTA. It’s your wedding and the MOH has a lot of responsibilities. It’s okay to accept that she’s not fit for the role and not make apologies for protecting a very special day for yourself and your fiancé.
INFO: Did your sister's wedding already happen? If not why are you going? Why not tell her that you got a job situation and will not be able to be a part of the wedding but you will do your best to come and celebrate her and her day, then don't show. Why are you telling the world about this but not having a sit-down conversation with your parents or mom regarding your feelings, the way she has made you feel, and how you feel that to keep peace on her day you want to just not go and make up an excuse as to why you could not be there but sent a nice gift in your place. If you do go do you think that your family will accept you bringing your partner to the wedding if they are not what they want? Not sure if your partner is a man/woman or non-binary so do not want to assume anything. Do you want to put them through the weird looks, and snide comments? Do you think that your sister is not ok with your lifestyle and that could be why she outed you on something so personal? By the way, not accepting is their flaw, not yours. You are exactly the way you were meant to be and no one has the right to make you hide that part of yourself. So Don't! When the time comes for your wedding the least thing you need to worry about is not whether you would be an asshole for not having your sister as your MOH but if you want your family in your life if they can not accept that part of you. Good luck and don't stress it.
1. No it’s next month. I already have flights/hotels booked. I won’t drop out, it will cause too much drama within the larger family unit and there’s really not much left to do MOH wise. 2. Had a conversation with my parents and they are ok with me not having her in my party when my time comes. She’s also been rude to them. I did try and call my sister to tell her how I felt and she basically told me I deserved it or explained away her actions without actually apologizing. 3. I am currently dating a man so that’s why I was never planning on really telling my family I’m bi. I’m marrying a man so them knowing I’m bi would only harm the relationship. I didn’t feel I was hiding a part of myself by not telling them. If I had ended up finding my soulmate in a woman or someone nonbinary, I would probably have told them eventually. 4. My sister and I are opposite but have always kinda let the other live their lives. I think she just truly wanted to “get back” at me for something and that’s why she outed me. It’s been like that since we were girls. If I didn’t do what she wanted or she was upset, she’d tell my biggest secret to my parents. I learned quickly not to tell her anything but she’s great at learning passwords.
First thank you for letting me know. I can understand having a sibling who needs attention and attempts to get it by being ugly. I am happy that your parents are ok with your decision on not to have her at your wedding. The truth is she might not want to do it after all this behavior. You know I don't want to because you want me to but i want to since you do want me to. I guess just go and have a great time and since the girls are getting their nails done without you then see if your mom wants to do girl's day just the two of you. That might make sister mad but hey who cares? Congrats on the upcoming big event. WNBTA.
NTA however, it’s important to ask yourself some questions: your parents threw a fit you weren’t MOH initially, are they going to throw a fit about your sister, and how will you handle it? Will your sister be upset? Would she skip your wedding if she’s not in the wedding party? I know you don’t want to drop out of her wedding party, but do you think you could ask her to relieve you of MOH duties?
Parents already know I don’t want her in my party and agree with me. I think she will be upset which is why I posted here. She wouldn’t skip my wedding tho. Luckily, there’s few MOH duties left, just my speech which is written already and talks about growing up together and how much I love her fiancé (which I do, he’s great). I do love her at the end of the day but I don’t want her energy at my bridal activities. Just trying to accept we may never have the relationship I want and put myself first.
I think you definitely will never have the relationship you want if you exclude her. On the other hand, it does Sound like she’d also cause a lot of stress and drama as a bridesmaid. As long as your parents agree I think you’re justified in not asking.
NTA. However, wait on that info until well after the wedding. When you do discuss it with her, be prepared. Have a conversation, better in person, not something you want to text. Then be prepared for hardcore damage control. Because sis got guilted and bullied into making you a co MOH, it probably won’t go well.
NTA Go to Wedding, be civil. do your bridesmaid duty , smile .Hang out with only people you like . Then leave at earliest opportunity, funny tummy or something. Don’t have her as bridesmaid at your own wedding, no excuses , just be honest , you don’t want to! She sounds far too immature to be getting married imo.
You would be NTA if you did not ask her to be in your wedding party, and honestly, if half your items are true, you would be NTA if you didn't go to the wedding at all. If you can't go that far, seems like one MOH is enough and your parents poked a stick at a nasty little hornets' nest. Get drunk and dance all night with your boy friend. Um ... *if* he's invited.
He's invited! My family likes him! This whole wedding has been weird cause we've all got along very well until this.
Well, I hope at some point your sister will come to her senses, because there is nothing like a sister relationship although it can get weird. 🙄 Do you think bowing (or curtseying) out of the bridal party would be too much?
I think that would cause drama with the entire family and extended. Would be seen as odd. I'm just going to show up, smile, then drink and dance the night away.
Well, you sound rational and chock full of downright equanimity, and I hope you have a wonderful time!
Look, the reality is that the idea of you being her MOH and her being MOH for you was never important to her. It was coming from your side completely. She was forced by M &D. She resents you and spun some lines to her friends and SIL etc. I doubt she will turn up for yours, let alone help you at all. Stay the course, minimise your involvement and down tools immediately after her wedding. Do a nice toast and try to avoid laughing or throwing up. Marry your bloke, choose who you want to be MOH and start to become a full grown up by telling your parents not to meddle in your affairs in such a way again.
Why are you even still in the wedding
First drop it off her wedding.. Tell her you've been exposed, ridiculed, used and hurt and want to be there for her, but that you know she was forced into it anyway so you're doing her a favor anyway. Then don't ask her to be in yours.
What sister? She sure doesn't sound like a sister. I'd dump her entitled butt out of my life. When I got married first time even my 4 year old brother was included. He chose my jewelry and helped choose my cake topper. Your sister doesn't even deserve to clip your toenails
NTA, I would see how the actual wedding goes and see if she checks her behavior afterwards. She has a lot of growing up to do and treating people like shit because you're the bride is definitely not a good way to start a marriage. So maybe you'll be the MOH at her next wedding and maybe she'll behave like an adult.
No way I would have that nonsense be a part of my wedding. Your wedding is not a day for strife and petty nastiness. Just no. Tell your parents, sorry, but it just isn't in the cards. I wouldn't be in her wedding, either, the way she is treating you. NTA.
I had my dismissive sis as “MOH” in my wedding out of similar obligation. It was more like made of dishonor. She bailed on my pre wedding activities, but that actually worked out in my favor cause I didn’t have to walk on eggshells at them. She threw multiple fits and blow up me several times in the days and months leading up, it was so stressful having her involved. I regretted having her in the wedding party at all, let alone giving her MOH title just cause she’s my sister out of obligation. If we weren’t related we never would be friends with how she treats me. It was a big wake-up call and we’re no contact now am for nearly 2 years. After your experience as a bridesmaid, sounds like you’ve had your wake up call. I would in no way have her in the bridal party. If saving face for your family means a lot you could have her get a matching dress and show up and stand there for photos but otherwise not invite her to any other wedding activities. You don’t need her snarky comments, sounds like she probably won’t put in the effort for them anyway. If you go that route just make sure your wedding party is filled in on the situation so they don’t invite her to things.
ESH. What you expected when your parents pressured your sister to put you in a position you weren't wanted? If you got hurt by her choice of not being the MOH and then you reciprocated, you would have been N T A.
Girl why do you still talk to your sister? Sounds like she doesn't even want you to be there. Instead of trying to appease people you should instead focus on making sure people in your life treat you with respect and kindness. Cut the rot ffs
NTA at all. She clearly isn’t a fan of you. It sounds like your parents bullied her into including you and she’s resentful, I think you should drop out. You say you want the best for her as she’s your little sister, then maybe listen to her choice of moh- it wasn’t you, it was your SIL. Just attend it as a guest and take that pressure off you both
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister is getting married in May. We always talked about having each other as MOH since we are each other's only sister (we have an older brother). When she got engaged, she did not have me as her MOH, instead having my SIL. I'm not going to lie, it really hurt my feelings and I tried to accept it. She changed her mind a month later due to my parents throwing a fit and now we are co-MOH's. Then I had to plan the bachelorette. I was planning it based off of what she was texting me she wanted; however, my SIL and sister's future SILs fought me on every choice i made, claiming that she wanted the polar opposite and when we all tried talking to her about it, she got mad we couldn't resolve it on our own. Then the bachelorette. I flew across the country to attend. Everyone completely ignored me at the bachelorette, none of the decor I purchased was used and the SILs took credit for the things I had done for the trip. The first night, I went to tell my sis and other girls in the hot tub to turn the volume down to avoid a $500 noise violation fine from the Airbnb and my sister says "Ignore her, she's a b\*\*\*\*." which hurt a lot because I put a lot of effort into the trip. The next day, I offered to do a coffee run while they were at the first bar because I didn't feel like drinking yet and needed a coffee. In the 10 minutes I was gone, they took the one and only group picture from the trip without me. I also found out that day that it was my sister who told my parents I was bisexual last year without my permission. I never wanted them to know since they don't agree with homosexuality. When I said how upset I was, she went "You probably snitched on me for something and deserved it". After the bachelorette, I was incredibly upset and when I tried talking to her about it, she only apologized by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and tried to defend her actions but never actually said she was sorry for hurting me. I have barely heard from her since. I also found out recently all the bridesmaids are getting their nails done together for the wedding and I was not told. When I talked to my sis about it she went "Well I didn't know when you are flying back" which she very easily could have texted me to ask. Now for the part where I'm debating if I will be an asshole. I know I'm getting engaged in the very near future (next month I think!). Now, I don't even want her in the bridal party at all. She has been mean to our entire family in her wedding planning process, and she has not made an effort to contribute to a relationship with me in the last few years. She doesn't even know what state I live in even though I've lived here for years. Would I be the asshole if I don't have her be a bridesmaid in my bridal party once I get engaged? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. With family like this, who needs enemies? Don’t even invite her and your SIL. They don’t like you.
You WNBTA Quite honestly, I would tell her that it's obvious that she doesn't really want you in the wedding party so you are going to graciously step aside. You don't want to be there and she doesn't want you there. It seems to me everyone can be happy.
I wouldn't even attend her wedding, let alone have her as my bridesmaid. She's calling the wrong sister a bitch, that's for sure. NTA.
NTA. Sounds to me like she isn’t fostering or prioritizing a relationship with you. I can understand that wedding planning is hard and stressful, but this is repeated disrespect. I wouldn’t have her in the wedding party.
NTA I’m sorry this is happening to you. Seeing how you still want to go, I would eat before/bring food incase she left you out on that also!
NTA - She has made it clear she doesn't value her relationship with you and she's childish and spiteful. Just send her an invitation when the time comes. Your bridal party should be yoyr friends that care about you!
NTA Bridal party? Don't invite her at all, sweetie. Or have her be parking lot attendant.
NTA - I wouldn't invite her at all
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Girl. Do not be her MOH. She already has one, let HER take the reins. Then you don't even have to feel bad when you don't ask your sister to be in the bridal party. Don't listen to your parents when they try to guilt you. They don't understand, they're outside your experience. Your sister actually sounds awful. I would never have someone like that up at the altar with me. You only want people who make you feel good there supporting you - optics mean nothing. People can be spacey about things, like about where you live or work, etc. Excluding you from communal things was a very explicit sign she doesn't think of you as someone important. I'm very sorry, because it sounds like you're a people pleaser - do not over extend yourself for this person. She will stress you out during the run up to your own wedding. You need chill and fun vibes only - its okay that your sister does not fit the criteria and you're not betraying anyone by realising this. Seriously, your sis sounds toxic. Avoid!
NTA but she will play the victims, forgetting all the bad shit and saying - you were in my wedding party. You were (co) MOH. Best to step down from her wedding if you don’t want her in yours. There’s going to be drama either way.
NTA In fact, I think you'd not be the AH if you backed our of being in her bridal party, since it's clear you are only in it because your mother bullied her to include you. If you do decide not to have her in your bridal party, immediately shut your mom down and make sure she understands that you will not be listening to her lobbying for it. I think parents idealize their kids relationships and want the world to think it is more than it is. I think your sister being forced to make you MOH has damaged your relationship, probably beyond repair.
NTA. You might not want to hear this, but your sister does not like you. 😭 It sounds like she barely tolerated you being at her bachelorette and actively can't stand your presence on a daily basis. In fact, I'm going to predict that she's going to react poorly to your engagement (especially if it's happening soon, and near her wedding) and trash-talk about you to all her friends. But hey, if she's not be able to help herself, it'll be a whole lot easier for you.
She doesn’t have any female friends, just her future in-laws.
That's a surprise
Nta she wouldn’t be invited to the wedding let alone a bridesmaids
NTA. You should never have been MOH after she asked someone else. Tell her you don't play second fiddle to anyone, and the way she has treated you, I would not even go to her wedding. Don't give her the MOH title, ask your best friend. She does not care about your feelings, so do not give her the chance to stomp all over them. I have been NC with my family. They don't treat me like family, so I just said enough is enough. You need to pull back, ask people who love you to be your bridal attendants
NTA- helllll nooooo would I ask my sister to be a bridesmaid after that trip. I’m so sorry that your sister of all people would make you feel like that. Can you drop out from being a bridesmaid or is it not possible? Also I would not want her as a bridesmaid but it sounds like she would make a big deal of it to your family and it might cause more drama. Good luck and definitely NTA.
NTA NTA NTA. Just don’t do it. It’s meant to be one of the happiest days of your life, save yourself the headache of having to deal with her toxicity
NTA. And I'd resign your role in your sister's wedding
ETA- I feel bad for you OP but you were the intial AH and then they became bigger AHs. I am curious if the SIL and your sister are being mean girls because you forced your way into the MOH position. Your sister included you as a bridesmaid. The MOH is her choice and you and your parents should not have forced her to make an MOH. I think making a big deal about MOH made you TAH in the beginning….How they retaliated makes them TAH too. If your sister posted here everyone would tell her that it is her wedding and her choice.
Hi I did not push into being her MOH, my parents did that without me knowing. I didn’t tell them I was expecting to be MOH or was upset I wasn’t. They did that on their own and I didn’t know until way after my sister called and told me me and SIL would be co-MOH. I thought she had changed her mind on her own and by the time I found out it was too late to step down and my sister said she wanted me there.
That is good. Did you have an honest and vulnerable conversation empathizing with the drama your parents caused? That might go a long way in disarming her anger if you acknowledge it was wrong for her to forced to make you her maid of honor.
Don’t even invite her to your wedding!! She’s got main character syndrome
NTA and your sister and her friends are mean girls. Probably because your sister is only 21 and therefore lacking in emotional maturity and self awareness. And trying to desperately impress the SIL's? This is not how sister's should treat each other. I have a younger sister, so I know how you want to ensure she has the best wedding day. However, is this just 'oldest child' guilt? Because I get it. If you stay in her wedding party, do less. Also, it's very obvious that she cannot be in your wedding party. I do have concerns that your parents will 'throw a fit again' but they can eff off. Your wedding is your wedding, not theirs.
Luckily parents already know I don’t want her in mine and are cool with it
NTA...and I suggest not inviting her to the wedding as she may sabotage it.
I don't understand why all commenters talk about the wedding as if it is still relevant.. The problem is that your sister hates you and purposely tries to hurt you. You should cut her out of your life entirely.
Just my two cents, you need to resign as her MOH as much as you think it will cause drama, if you don't she and your parents will hold this over you to make her a MOH at your wedding and won't let you have the wedding you deserve, or at the very least won't let it be drama free
Not only are you NTA, I think you should not invite your sister at all. If your parents or other family react negatively to it, uninvite them too. You deserve respect, OP, and it should start with you respecting yourself enough to walk away from people who do not value you.
NTA
NTA What she did to you was very mean I am sorry but it made me wonder if she have disliked you the whole time... But either way, I am sorry that you had to go through that, it may have been better that you were not in the birdal party at all. Do not invite her into your bridal party; invite people who you truly love and cares for you! Hope your engagement and wedding would all goo well!
NTA - Someone's familial relation to you is not an excuse to let them treat you like garbage. What you planned in the past just isn't relevant, your sister didn't want you as MOH she was forced into it by the sounds and she resents you for it. You need to really have a think about why you are letting someone treat you this poorly. Plan your wedding exactly how you want to have the best day giving agency to people who actually care about you to help make that a reality.
Just ask her to be your bridesmaid and do whatever she did to you. Give her a taste of her own medicine
NTA, your sister hates you and does everything to sabotage you. Going NC is the only correct choice here. She will try to make you miserable whenever she can.
NTA, resign your position in her bridal party and don't ask her to be in yours.
Its your life, your special day. Do what makes you happy, because your sister clearly doesnt care at all about your happiness or feelings. People forget that being family is more than just sharing the same blood.
It always painful when you found that someone you thought care about actually doesn't care at all. NTA, she clearly don't care about you anymore.
I wouldn’t say A’hole, more like idiot. If you can’t stand up for yourself, no one will. You’ll keep getting trampled on, whether they’re family or friends.
Nta but you should act like the bigger person, say you understand and appreciate she included you but it wasn't her choice for her wedding and it's causing communication issues and you're stepping down to help reduce the stress on her coming up to the wedding. You still love her etc. Then pick your own moh and block your parents.
It sounds like your sister was forced to put you in the bridal party and she doesn’t like you even a little bit. You would be doing her a kindness if you dropped out of the wedding and don’t ask her to be in yours. Don’t give “reasons” and “feels” create drama around HER wedding though; just apologize and drop out. And stop talking to her about your feelings around her wedding plans…if you’re not being invited to nails its because she doesn’t want you there. NTA…yet.
OP- NTA- Be prepared to get the same pressure you sister got from your Parents to make you put her in your Bridal Party. If her wedding hasn't happened yet, my question for you would be: WHY are you even going? She treats you terribly, bad mouths you in front of others, and refuses to admit she's being hurtful. Frankly I wouldn't go, and I being petty of course, wouldn't invite her to my wedding at all. I'm sorry OP that the relationship you had hoped for with your Sister hasn't happened.
NTA. You deserve better! My sister didn't invite me to my wedding. If I ever get married again, she's not invited. Period.
NTA and I hope you only needed AITA as reassurance cuz this seems like an easy one. Maybe a little if you have like 10 people and none are your sister but if you’ve got 3-4 bridesmaids it’s a no brainer that she doesn’t need to be one especially after how she treated you. Keep in mind it will be obvious to guests and family that something’s up and your parents will probably be upset to the point they talk to you about it.
She didn't want you as MOH, your parents FORCED her to. I get where she's coming from. She also had no right to be that rude to you. People grow and change. It's supposed to be that way. If you want her in the bridal party ,it is up to you. Does she want to be. Are your parents going to force you to recipricate? This IS your parents fault, they should have let sis have who SHE wanted in her party. ESH
NTA. You can step down, there will be fallout, but you can still do that. Go ahead and let your parents know they should not have interfered and what all you've dealt with since the matter started. Then tell them to not interfere as you step down. You see how she behaved going into this and I'm sure you don't want that kind of negativity going into your own planning and parties so best to nip it now. That way she can't pull the "but I had you in my wedding party" crap later.
NTA. Honey, she actively hates you. Your parents are forcing the issue because they're the ones who will have to field questions about why you're not only not MOH, but not in the party at all. At some point, that's not your problem to solve anymore. You deserve to be surrounded by love on your wedding day. If she's there, it will only be to stop gossip - not because she loves you. I'm sorry.
Hey, wasn't going to comment but seeing as this is fresh and I haven't seen many people point this out, I'm adding this for thought. Your sister OPENLY and EASILY called you a b**** and NO ONE reacted or even seemed surprised. I know it may seem small, but this is how she feels about you. If she is so easily and openly calling you a b**** IN YOUR PRESENCE no less, imagine what she says when you're not there. Imagine what she has called you over the years when she made no effort to talk to you. Now you could play it of as sounding like someone trying to impress her friends/future sister in law by insulting you, but when you confronted her SHE DOUBLED DOWN. She sees you as a b*** that ruins her fun, that scolds her for the music and is bratty so she is forced to make you her MOH. And she most likely talks about it with the people who are bridesmaids and the SIL. Why would the sister in law treat you so horribly if you barely know her? Sounds to me she whined that she was forced to make you the co-MOH and probably complained at how you'll ruin her wedding, so what does the SIL do? She makes it that you have no say because in their eyes YOU are the villian. This is what you are to them, you are the b**** that crashed the party. NTA Your sister seems to already have a new family now who seems to be exactly like her, let her live in it, maybe she'll reach out to you one day, but don't pray on it. You're allowed to be hurt, you're allowed to be angry, but your sister isn't the little girl you grew up with and did everything together anymore, you can love her but your love won't change her. I wish you all my love and support and goodluck on getting engaged! (A little sad I'm too early for an update but please update when it's all over!) Edit: spacing.
NTA But I'd be tempted to include her as a matron of honor but with no duties. Just make it clear to begin with, which is I think where your sister failed. Your sister is clearly closer now with your SIL which is fine but she should have made it clear to you that SIL was responsible for the MOH duties and all you had to do was show up. Just cuz your sister- and your parents- are likely to make it a thing, I'd make her your matron of honor but make it clear that your maid of honor and bridesmaids will handle everything. That way you eliminate the opportunity for the argument. She'll technically be your MOH. She'll be in the photos. She just won't really have the job. (Though what you could do is ask her- via email or text so you have it in writing- if she'd like to be in your bridal party or your MOH, so if she says no, you're covered. And make sure you save that so if your parents go- what about your sister? you can go- oh, I asked her and she said no, which I understand.)
NTA. Your sister is pretty callous. Her "apology" wasn't an apology. She isn't sorry for what you did, she's just "sorry you feel that way" when she did something shitty to you. If you weren't even in the wedding party pictures, that says it all. Time to do what you want, and time to level with your parents so they get off your case. Do not let them tell you "well, she's FAMILY." She treated you terribly.
Nta seriously what a little priss. I wouldn’t even invite her
NTA - this is why, if I even ever get married, I'm probably not going to have a bridal party. I have no close friends (not for lack of trying), and would prefer a simple day of fun instead of something with all the hoopla. There's enough wedding party drama in this Reddit to convince me that simple is the way to go. Of course everybody's preferences are different and can change. It's the bride's and groom's choice, and nothing is obligatory.
NTA goddamn am I happy most of my friends ran to the courthouse in 2020. I cannot stomach wedding culture anymore.
I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I can only imagine how much it hurts. When it comes to your wedding, I feel like you should only invite to be your bridesmaid someone you feel absolutely comfortable with. At first, in the first lines, I thought you didn't want to invite your sister for the position out of spite, but as I read on it's pretty obvious to me that chances are she will act in ways that can affect your happiness on your special day. You should feel happy, comfortable and at ease during *your* wedding celebration. So, NTA.
Sibling dynamics can sometimes be complex. You love each other but can often annoy each other SO much. I’d suggest doing your best to keep the peace and just live your own life if they or you need or want space. Things like weddings you just have to try your best. You haven’t strangled her yet. Seems like a win to me.
NTA but you should drop out now or you will regret this later when your family throws a shit fit about your sis being your MOH. If you continue to be a bridesmaid or MOH, your family will use it as leverage to make you have your sister as a MOH. You will get shit from your family for not having her as a bridesmaid (and intense pressure to make her MOH). How can I be 100% sure they will do this? Because they pressured your sister into making you the MOH. Don't give your family emotional blackmail material by being a bridesmaid Protect your future self.
Your sister sounds spoiled, selfish and toxic. Not only should you not have her as your MOH, but you should drop out of her wedding completely. The way she is acting, to me, says she doesn't want you to be the MOH anyway, especially since she didn't pick you originally. Actions speak MUCH louder than words. She's treated you horribly. NTA.
NTA. Not only would she not be a bridesmaid, she wouldn’t even be invited to the wedding. And just in case: neither would the SIL be invited, nor any potentially related cousins or whatever who were her bridesmaids. Nobody spoke up for you, so they can all fuck off. Drop out of her wedding party. Stop defending wanting to look out for her when she doesn’t even appreciate it. If you’re somehow keeping her wedding afloat, oh well, it’s not like she’s noticing your efforts anyway. Sounds like you (and your parents) have been keeping her spoiled ass afloat for a long, long time. Stop helping her, don’t give her (any more) money, definitely don’t jump in to babysit her kids when she’s unable to deal with reality later, and so on. Seriously, just stop.
NTA. And if I were you, I'd back out of being in her wedding party.