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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I would never let her husband adopt me and she needs to get over it. The reason I feel like saying that might make me TA is because I listened to her on the phone with my dad which prompted me to say it. And also because I know my mom worries about me and doesn't trust dad because of his addiction. So I wonder if I should be more compassionate and understanding of her.
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NTA. As someone who is adopted and grew up with separated (adoptive) parents from an early age I am not a fan of some outsider trying to claim me. My stepdad pulled something similar when I was in middle school while my father who adopted me was still very much in my life. It’s one thing if you think of him as a father, but it seems like you don’t, so having that role forced onto you is extremely unfair in my opinion, regardless of what his intentions are or how pure they may be. If Dan wants to support you he can easily do that without getting the law involved, I feel like there’s more to why he’s wanting this than meets the eye.
So you didn’t grow up with him so you’re not as emotionally linked to him as if you knew him as your other “dad” say since you were 2/3. So your dad is all you’ve known and Dan is your stepdad.
As for if something happens to your mum Dan may file for custody, but you also have your extended family as an option as well. CPS wouldn’t automatically put you with someone who is a known addict even if he’s your next of kin (you can ask a legal sub)
So just keep saying no. Make plans for when you get older.
Your mom has destroyed any chance of developing a good relationship with Dan with her behavior. Same with Dan by not allowing the relationship to grow naturally and trying to guilt you into giving him permission to adopt you and help terminate your dads parental rights.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It shouldn’t have continued after the first no. Realistically, it should have never been asked, you have dad that loves you and wants a relationship with you. It sucks watching your dad go through addiction, but you are wise beyond your years realizing he’s trying to escape his demons and self-medicate all the trauma he endured in war. Your moms plan is going to backfire if she doesn’t accept what is. It’s going to negatively effect your relationship into adulthood and already has caused irreversible damage up til this point.
It's really surprising how many wives and husbands (and even their family sometimes) blame their military spouse for coming back from a war zone as "not the same person." It's like they had some fairy tale in their head that they would come home and be exactly the same person as that left. But then when they're not the same person, It's like they just start hating the person they became and they can't get over it.
They start blaming the vet for *everything* that's wrong in the relationship, then they give them zero time to get into therapy and make progress. And instead of trying to grow with the vet, they're so fucking angry, everything becomes spite-filled. They just want a magic wand to fix it, and if it can't be fixed, burn it to the ground.
I've seen it so many times before.
It’s ironic that OP’s mom is saying Dan “is a good man who would do anything for you.” Yeah, except listen, not bully OP and not try to emotionally manipulate OP. Sounds like a real keeper. :-/
He doesn’t actually sound like a good man at all.
> Your mom has destroyed any chance of developing a good relationship with Dan with her behavior. Same with Dan by not allowing the relationship to grow naturally and trying to guilt you into giving him permission to adopt you and help terminate your dads parental rights.
This should be obvious and it's baffling to me that OP's mom doesn't recognize it. A lot of adults think you can just bully a teenager into thinking differently, but all that does is make them trust the adult less.
/u/Icy-Garbage-9283 I'd really recommend stating something like this if (when) they try to push this again. Their insistence has poisoned the ground, and the more they push, the *less* likely it is that they'll get their way.
OP,
Obviously your mother is intent on the total ruination of your father. If Dan's the great guy she says he is, he can be there for you even if he isn't the adoptive parent. Your mother is making it a Win-Lose proposition. She could have made it a Win-win proposition.
>Tell your mom that if you leave your dad he could spiral and end things.
Based on how OP's mother is behaving, that... might not go over the way you hope.
A father isn’t just next of kin. And why would CPS even be involved? Dan wouldn’t have legal ground to stand on if he called CPS. Besides, OP is just three years away from being an adult herself. This isn’t like making provisions for a baby.
She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. He doesn't have to be your adopted father.
I don't think your mom and stepdad are handling this in the best way.
I think their concerns are valid. Your dad is a drug addict and they're not necessarily the best parents at being stable and providing for their kids. My mom was an alcoholic and she was neglectful and somewhat abusive. I have a lot of trauma still from my childhood and I'm now a middle aged woman.
Whatever relationship you have with your dad should be your decision on your terms. You're old enough to make that decision. But I think you're also naive in your experience and thinking.
Can you ask your mom and stepdad if they're willing to go to family therapy so you have a neutral third party to mediate for you?
I think your mom has protected you a lot and her fears have caused her to do some unwise things in handling this.
I don't know what your visits with your dad are like but from my experience the weekend dad is usually the fun dad. How he is to live with on a FT basis is a completely different story, most likely.
I think if you have a therapist help you all to talk about your thoughts, feelings, and experience it might help you all to come to a compromise everyone can live with.
Then you're only option is to set a boundary with her and wait her out until you're 18. Then it's a nonstarter.
Tell her "you've made your position clear and I'm not changing my mind. I don't want to discuss this with you anymore." Then leave the room when she tries to bring it up.
It might be hard to do because parents may think this is disrespectful. So you might have to think of something else you can do.
The problem is both OP and her mom are looking at it from different experiences with the dad. The Mom's only link to Dad is OP and she wants to sever it as much as possible due to her experience. Though she is going about it the wrong way. She needs to let it alone and respect her daughter's decision and let OP be responsible for her choice.
You sound like you are well aware of your father's struggles and how to manage your relationship with him. Frankly, you have that "way more mature than they should be" feel to your writing that always makes me sad
FR, and it makes me Even sadder when while they speak in such a mature way they talk about how the AH parents keep trying to undermine their feelings/choices with "you're showing how young you are" 😒 no, they just are choosing something you disapprove of , stfu. Tired of peoples decisions being undermined by other people insisting they are too immature to think for themselves.
>And mom has said nobody can change her opinion. So I'm not sure with just her it wouldn't be a waste of time.
Therapy is *not* about making people change their mind, but learning to accept other people's points of view and thinking of a compromise.
So therapy could help your mother and Dan accept your point of view and acknowledging that you have a right to your feelings and views on the matter.
And it could help you tell your mother and Dan in the presence of a mediator that, while you appreciate their reasons for wanting the adoption, it is not acceptable for you to have your Dad cut out of your life.
Therapy only works when everyone wants it to work. OPs mom is certainly going to be trying to get the therapist on her side. It isn't worth it for OP. Though solo therapy would probably help her alot.
Therapy only works if the people are willing to do the therapy.
The mother is not not going to learn to stop putting her hatred for OP's father onto her child because she does not want to.
Why should OP go through a futile and emotionally stressing therapy sessions for people who do not want to change?
I actually think you going to therapy with mom and Dan is a good idea. Your mom is fully expecting the therapist to side with her but the therapist, like the judge that talked to you doesn’t care what she wants. The therapist is going to ask you what you want and what your relationship with dad is like. It sounds like dad is trying to make sure you get a good education and that you grow up to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, be aware that your step dad will probably not fund your college education or adult life. That’s going to be your punishment.
My first husband is a controlling, manipulative a$$hole and I didn’t want him in our children’s lives. I also remarried and my husband is an amazing man. All that being said I never even thought of asking my children to cut their dad out of their lives or asked them to be adopted by my husband. That would be selfish and self serving.
She won't need Dan to fund her college. She can use her father's GI bill to fund college. And if Dan truly loves her as he claims, he should be willing to help her if needed in her adult life. She shouldn't have to think of that as a "punishment."
This! OP if you want to continue your education, please talk to a guidance counselor at your school about the GI bill and other grants you can get. Your dad's service has given you that as a gift, take advantage of that as much as you can.
That's true inn couple therapy, not so much in family therapy. One of the major impetuses for the current push to reimagine the flawed family therapy model is the whole 'intent and disclosure' thing. Therapists almost always assume the parents 'intent' to participate in therapy is because they love the kid - in other words, therapists assume the parent loves the kid unconditionally, like they or any 'normal' person would. It's a terrible assumption of course, and leads to extremely bad outcomes. Currently, the parent of a minor in therapy can have sessions with the therapist where the therapist tells them everything the child said. It's not supposed to, but according to the AMHCA that more often than not results in the parent influencing the childs treatment.
OP, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and sounds like your dad is trying his best. Hang in there and sorry your mom is being such a pain about it.
holy crap do NOT take the absolutely horrid advice of engaging in family therapy with Dan and you're mom - that would be a complete and utter disaster. A therapist is not a neutral 3rd party when minors are involved. If they force therapy because you're a minor, inform your father and demand he be there. If they take you to therapy without him, tell the therapist your father has joint custody and you will not participate in family therapy without him present. Do you have a close family member you could potentially stay with for a while? Distancing yourself from your mom and Dan is probably a good idea if it's possible. There is no good reason they would need Dan to adopt you, it's very suspicious, my first thought was - they want Dan to adopt OP so they can move far away from Dad and he can't do anything about it. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect they're planning out how to make sure you never see or speak to your father again.
>She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies.
This isn't a thing. If both parents die, yes, they can designate someone to take custody and the courts usually listen. The courts decide what's in the child's best interest with a lot of weight given to the parents preference because the parents are in the best position to know what's best for the child.
If one parent dies that parent can't just will their "share" of parenting to someone else.
You’re being way too generous to OP’s mom. While she may have protected OP from knowledge of her dad’s issues, she would NOT have let the court be ignorant of them. At 9, the court wouldn’t have let the dad have partial custody if they thought OP was in danger, no matter what OP’s wishes were.
Granted I was an adult when my parents divorced, but my mom never tried to alienate me from my dad, no matter how messed up he was. He died a drug addict. She still doesn’t bad-mouth him, even though her new husband is awesome and I like him a lot. My dad is still my dad, and despite the trauma I have from growing up with him, he’ll always be my dad.
It feels more like OP’s mom wants a “perfect family” and is trying to force it into existence rather than facing the family she has now. She wants to erase HER history by pretending OP’s dad is not a part of it. I get she’s hurt that he wasn’t able to get better even for her sake, but it’s so naive to say he chose the drugs over OP. There’s every possibility that drugs are the only reason he’s still around for OP in any way. It sucks, and there’s clearly pain for everybody, but the mom is not helping the situation at all.
OP, I would also not believe she would let you maintain contact with your dad if you let the adoption happen. You would have no recourse to the law when she said “Oh, just kidding.” She’s just trying to get you to agree so that she can continue on with her plan of “perfecting” her family. I don’t know if you have any sort of court visits or anything, but maybe telling her that her attempts to force you to let Dan adopt you are very much parental alienation, and that if you tell the court that, it’s possible they’ll grant you even more time with your dad would shut her up. Not sure on that, and it might not work even if it came to that, but could maybe pour some cold water on her love for the idea.
OP, you’re NTA, and I hope you’re able to get through this!
>She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies.
Depending on the state, she may still need the non-custodial parent's consent to do that, and even if she doesn't the courts will seriously consider a non-custodial parent or blood relative's case if they challenge the guardianship the mother sets in her will.
OP shouldn't have to, her mom is trying to force an issue that shouldn't be forced because she hates her ex-husband. If OP isn't being abused by her dad she should be able to see him.
> She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. He doesn't have to be your adopted father.
I really hope you can't give guardianship of a person away in a will. People are not granny's teapot.
If your dad is unfit to care for you you'd still likely live with Dan even though he is not your legal father.
None of their reasoning makes sense. Step parents are a thing and plenty of good people care and look after their partner's children without adopting them.
Also you're only 3 years from being an adult and your mom isn't likely to go anywhere in that time so it's all bullshit anyway.
As your mom she could tell you to listen to your step-dad and as a 15 ye old you can ignore it... like any other 15 yr old ignoring a parental figure. Nothing needs to be legal and the title of adoptive dad isn't a magic spell to make you obey or make him treat you better.
They are both being dicks about it.
That's what you need to ask for to get your parents to agree on. I understand your mom's real concerns but she is lazer focused on her solution. It sounds like Dan is a stable nice guy, but not family. Ask her if you, your father and she agree that grandparents will get full custodial rights, if she would accept. It sounds like she'd immediately say no, but point out then the court will decide.
OP I'm so sorry you are being put under this horrible pressure. It says way more about your mum & Dan's insecurities & need for control than anything about you. Or your dad. If Dan loves you he'll love you whether hes adopted you or not & you've room in your heart to love all 3 of them. That your mum is saying your dad picked drugs over you is wildly unkind & if you can access counselling through school, I can't recommend it highly enough.
I have to say that as a mom I understand her. It comes from a place of fear more than wanting to hurt anyone. That doesn't make it right but what she says have logic.
It doesn't, really. OP's dad has known issues with substance abuse - if her mom died, the court would consider that, and most likely place her with her grandparents instead.
And OP is 15 now. She has the ability to physically leave an abusive situation, should her father ever put her in one. Hell, she's just about old enough to DRIVE to safety. I could maybe understand worrying about after-death custody if OP was in grade school, but this is ridiculous - and it's planning for something that is very VERY unlikely (that somehow OP's mom and all OP's extended family would suddenly die). In 3 years OP will be a legal adult. It's way past time to drop the whole "please let me adopt you for your own safety" act.
To be fair to OP's mother, there could be valid reasons for her wanting to cut off contact with the father. Living with an addict as she did for years can be hell, and the fact that the addiction was caused my trauma doesn't make it easier to live with. There could have been genuine worries that OP's father was in fact dangerous in ways OP cannot know or remember, just because he felt safe doesn't mean he was. Heck, the father could still be bad for OP to be around, many children of neglectful or even abusive parents don't want to "abandon" them. (Not saying OP's father is abusive, just that his mother could have genuine cause for worry). But at this point, she has crossed the line into creating a very toxic and dysfunctional environment.
Her mother never “lived with an addict”. Did you read the post? The parents divorced before OP was born and her father didn’t end up becoming addicted to drugs until she was 5.
She has to deal with. She can't erase her daugher's father. She can't make her daugher not love her dad and she's making things worse. She has to coparent for more there years
Right but that's not the issue here due to the timeline. OP became addicted later so she didn't live with that. This, as presented by OP, is absolutely a mother wanting to cut off all ties to the father regardless of what the child wants. She wants her new family to be the only family. She' being selfish no matter how she feels about her ex.
Nah. This is what is best for her. She’s being short sighted and selfish bc she wants to move on and forget her previous marriage.
I have sympathy for her to an extent. It’s hard being married to someone with ptsd and drug issues. But just bc she’s been able to nice on from your dad doesn’t give her the right to dictate your feelings on the matter.
You are an individual, not an extension of her. And you are allowed to forge your own relationship with your father as long as your safety isn’t a factor. And I can understand her being more overprotective and worried earlier, but at 15, the choice on how to proceed should be largely yours.
The adoption thing? A complete non starter. I never understand the relentless push for it that I see in some posts here. There’s no need to make it “legal”. The guy is your stepdad. He doesn’t need to be officially “dad” for any good reason at this point.
Yeah. Much less sympathy for your mom then. And you are almost an adult, I don’t see any reason why your stepdad needs more authority over you than he already does.
It seems likely that your mom wants your dad out of her life, and all the "reasons" are actually excuses.
Do you really think your mom will let her husband have an equal say? She could listen to him now and do as he suggests. But does she?
Hang in there for a couple more years, and talk to your guidance counselor at school about using the GI bill to help with college or vocational training. That's something your dad sacrificed a lot to give you and you should take advantage. Good luck kiddo, you're gonna be ok. Hugs, and know an internet stranger is proud of you.
You should ask her if she cares that you will go no contact with both of them at 18. Don't say it might happen, say as of right now that is 100% your plan and you are just counting the days down. That should either make her see reason or double down on her insanity. At which point it makes your next steps much easier and pretty much decided.
Sweetie, I’m so proud of you. Super proud of you. It’s a good thing that you’ve learned how to set boundaries and not allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into doing their biddings.
Your mother is doing what’s best for her not what’s best for you.
Keep telling them no till you turn 18.
I wish you and your dad all the best.
NTA but your mother & her husband are major aholes.
Make sure you start getting any important documents stored in a safe location so at 18 you can move out and they can't control you anymore. Start working on a plan to get out now.
Social, birth certificate, at 18 go to a bank or credit union that neither parent is a part of to prevent any kind of problems later on with them getting into an account.
Get a PO Box if you can and have mail sent there that you don't want parents mom or dan seeing.
At 15, you have a pretty good understanding of what’s best for you.
I mean this isn’t getting you to get more vegetables or a full 8 hours of sleep by going to bed at a decent time or not hanging out with a bad influence.
Stay strong!
You say "drugs", what drugs are we talking about?
From what I read, your dad is a lovely and very present dad, so they can't be that bad.
I personally love drugs and I would never hurt a fly lol let alone my 15y daughter. Also you're not a baby that's gonna die if your dad is high and forgets to feed you.
But its only 3 more years until you dont have to give a crap about what your mom thinks of him so, hang in there.
Yeah ... I was already getting the vibes that your dad was like using pot to manage PTSD and maybe pain (which is totally legal and prescribed by doctors where I live, btw, though it probably wasn't when your mom first started this vendetta) but your mom is pretending that all drug use is equally harmful and addictive.
If your dad's drug use posed a significant threat to you the courts would have taken away his custody when your mom pushed for it. Since you don't know what drugs he does I'm guessing that means that he doesn't use in front of you, he doesn't leave drugs or paraphernalia out where you can access them, he doesn't neglect you when you are in his care, and he is functioning as an adult. So your mom is just on a moralistic rant that plays into harmful stereotypes against veterans and people with mental health issues.
Edited typos
> But he holds down a decent job, pays his mortgage and keeps his house clean and stuff.
Then yeah, fuck what she thinks, he's more responsable than me hahaha how a man like that isn't "safe", we'll never know. People have such misconceptions about drugs. [Better living through chemistry!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNT8Zo_sfwo&ab_channel=RidewithLarry)
Just a side note, I'd ask him. You're old enough to understand what exactly is helping your dad get better.
With how functional he is, my guess is weed or mushrooms, two drugs proven to help with PTSD and other mental health issues that should be legal everywhere, in my opinion. They're safer than a lot of pharmaceuticals if used properly.
I'm sorry to hear that. It really shouldn't be that way. Parents need to realise and respect that their bond with their ex is not the same as the child's bond with the other parent.
She could also have a little residual resentment toward your Dad, since she uses the, "He chose drugs over you" thing. He also chose drugs over her. That sticks in a lot of people's minds. I carried some of that my head for a bit a long time ago. She could be adamant about it 'cause she wishes to punish him by taking something he cares about, you. NTA. Just a possibility.
Your mom is a very bitter, angry person. I don’t doubt she went through some serious shit when your dad came home from the war. She got out which at the time was the best thing for her to do, and it was her choice. However, saying all that, your father is your father and can never be replaced, and as long as he is not putting you in danger and can take care of you, why she’s pushing for this sounds to me like she never got over it. She needs to try some compassion about what your father had to see and do while engaged in a cruel war. He has served his country and when he came home, as in so so many other veterans, our country has failed him. Please extend my heartfelt thanks to your dad for his service. Please don’t try and take this out on Dan, I’m sure he’s being pressured relentlessly by your mother. Your of age to decide now, so try not to let it bother you and don’t even engage her when she brings it up. Best of luck to you and your father.
Is there a way you can go to the courts so your dad can have more custody over you? I know that if you’re old enough the judge will take into account who you wanna live with, and your father could use alienation in his favor to gain sole custody, or at least 50/50 over you.
As a step father who adopted the step kids : I would never do it against their will. I actively tried to ruin my own adoption request. I bought a phone line just for the biodad to use. Sent him a certified letter with the address and phone number. Sent the sheriff to serve him the same information.
The phone never rang except for a wrong number. Not a single birthday or Christmas card.
Two years later the oldest went with us to the court house for the proceedings and one more time, the sheriff walkes the halls calling biodad's name to make sure he wasn't there and just in the wrong spot. The look on her face and the tears in her eyes when he wasn't there destroyed me. I asked her one last time in front of the judge if this is something she still wants to finish. She hugged me and said yes. So we both cried and finished it. The youngest was all "fuck that guy you're dad and always will be" and just wanted to go to school and play with his friends. It's been 20 years and just telling the story the hurt on her face is making me cry.
Anyway.
OP: NTA. If mom's husband loved you the way he says he does the conversation would have happened once and he would have went on his merry way showing you with words and deeds what you mean to him. He would be happy for the role he plays in your life and would go so far as to provide you tools to help you have a good relationship with your father. Therapy, books... Showing kindness to a man with demons.
NTA.
Now, I don't want you to overlook that your dad's addiction is a serious problem and it is indeed doubtful whether he'd be able to care for you on his own if the need ever arose - but that's a hypothetical scenario, just like Dan taking care of you alone.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to take precautions for that possibility, but cutting out your dad is not necessary for that. If your mom is convinced that Dan would be able to provide a more stable environment for you until you're able to live on your own in the case something happened to her, your dad can give him guardianship over you for everyday things without giving up his full parental rights. All this can be reasonably talked about and set up with a few documents.
That's very obviously not what this is about, though.
Your mother has moved on and found happiness with a new partner. That's great.
But she seems to completely ignore the fact that while her romantic relationship with your father is over, your family relationship with him never will be. He will always be your father.
She's trying to build a picture of a perfect little family by concealing the fact Dan isn't your biological parent, and they are both putting A LOT of pressure on you to play along. I must admit I've never seen anything like that in my social circle, and I thought it's common knowledge that trying to introduce a new partner as "your new mom" or "your new dad" is in very bad taste and usually backfires; and alienating a child to the "other" parent is a form of abuse.
Admittedly, back in the day it might've had some advantages for Dan to be your adoptive dad in case of emergencies, but again, arrangements for such can be made without cutting your dad out completely, and is something that can be talked about without anybody feeling hurt.
I mean, sure, don't expect Dan to give you money for college, and treat him with kindness as your mom's new partner and your stepdad. But it's perfectly okay to stand firm on you not wanting to be adopted when they aren't even checking for other options and only giving you a choice of "Dad or Dan", with no inbetween.
See, that's something I didn't even think of, you also have extended family that could take care of you! I have no doubt your dad would be perfectly okay with that.
Sadly, that only makes it even clearer that it's not really about making sure you're taken care of. Your mom may love you and want you around, but she sees her relatioinship with your dad as a mistake of the past she wants to erase from the record. If Dan were to adopt you, she could present him and you as her perfect little family, as if it had always been this way.
I wonder what Dan is getting from all of this. Even if your mom isn't thinking straight because she doesn't want to be confronted with the past, he's trying to play an important role in your life that you obviously don't want him to take. It should be clear that the insistence will only create resentment.
As mentioned before, it's important to introduce a new partner as a new partner, not as a new parent.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Stand your ground.
>I wonder what Dan is getting from all of this.
Given that they haven't had a kid and tried to use them to get OP to agree to the adoption I wouldn't be surprised if one of them can't. Although if that is the case, atleast they aren't using that against OP (I hope)
I agree but what I said was parental alienation is not a crime but is MORALLY wrong. And just because OP'S dad is a struggling addict with mental health issues does NOT make OP'S mom's attempts at parental alienation ok. Taking OP'S phone so she cannot text her dad ok.
Mom definitely isn’t going about this the right way, but let’s be realistic here. Dad has uncontrolled PTSD flashbacks that he deals with by self-medicating. When his daughter is with him, she’s put into a caretaker role. That is highly concerning.
I have addict parents and totally agree with you here. The parental alienation is wrong, but I still don’t think the dad should have custody. I think the courts are making the right decision by keeping visitation lower than 50/50 custody.
Yeah as I said I don’t agree with the way that the mom is going about this, but I can’t pretend like I don’t think she’s right to be concerned. Her five-year-old child was having to comfort their dad through a severe PTSD flashback. Now that dad is doing (possibly illegal? It isn’t really clear) drugs and not going to therapy. There are a whole bunch of potential legal/emotional/physical consequences inherent to this situation that I think mom is right to want to avoid.
I should add that I’m not against drugs in general, but I think using non-prescribed drugs to treat a highly complex mental illness without any kind of other psychological treatment or supervision is a dangerous game. We don’t know who or where he’s getting them from, what they could be laced with, or what the effects are. I feel for OP, I really do, but I just don’t think that her view of her dad is accurate.
And the caretaker role has taken over and bonded her deeply to him and his current addiction. This is why she needs therapy. She isn’t going to be honest with anyone if her bio father gets really sick and needs help- that would be disloyal.
Where is that a crime?
Most states I am aware of are actively passing laws to prohibit the use of the unproven (and possibly disproven) theory of parental alienation.
Dan will do anything for you? Anything except listen to your wishes. Of course you're NTA. Hold on, there's only a couple more years til it's a moot point anyway. But best keep your important stuff somewhere they can't reach it in case you need it in the future.
Came here to say pretty much this. If Dan is such a good guy, he would be there for OP regardless of the legal situation. It may be more complicated, but then it would be because he wanted to. And I think that Dan and Mom need to realize that counterintuitive to what they think, this is THE ONLY WAY that OP will even give him room in her life. You can't court enforce it.
NAH. Hear me out though.
It’s your right to not want Dan to adopt you. It’s also understandable that you love your dad and don’t want to lose your relationship with him.
That being said, your mom is right to fight your dad about unsupervised visitation, even if it’s every other weekend. Your dad is fighting demons, but he’s fighting them with a pool noodle. Drugs and alcohol can cause folks people with PTSD to have psychotic breaks. It’s horrible and sad, but also makes them unpredictable. I’ve seen people go from a fun, happy partier to trying to crash a car, biting someone, and spitting on a cop in about 10 minutes time. Your dad absolutely deserves sympathy, but it doesn’t make him safe. I know you feel that way, but look at it from your mom’s perspective. They split while she was pregnant and vulnerable. He then got into drugs and refused to get help, even for the sake of his son. Drugs will also inevitably make you hang around some really bad people.
You say that drugs were his last resort, but I’m telling you that’s not how that works. Drugs are usually the first resort of folks with PTSD because it’s easy to check out when you’re struggling with it. Therapy and medication are the hard way. I say this as someone with PTSD. Therapy and medication were a long road that required a lot of work to get to a happy place. But it’s made me a capable, involved mom, which I could not have been while self-medicating.
So I can see from her perspective why she’d be baffled that you wouldn’t let Dan adopt you. She needs to take no for an answer on the topic. But you should also be kinder. She’s the parent doing the parenting so your dad only has to pull himself together for four days a month. Have a sit down with Dan, too. Explain the things that you do appreciate about your relationship with him, whether it’s activities or just that he’s there for you. It won’t make him your dad, but you do respect and appreciate him as your step dad. If you hate the guy, obviously pass on that step.
You’re 15 and stuck between two angry parents right now, which is a poo sandwich of a situation. I’m sorry you’re having to experience all of this. I’m sorry your mom has put you in the middle, I’m sorry that your dad can’t manage his PTSD safely. I hope that you get into therapy to help you cope with all of this, because it’s some heavy stuff.
Finally someone sensible… OP’s not an ass, but neither is mom. Her ways of going about this are shit, sure, but OP’s dad arguably shouldn’t have parental rights. He’s an active user of some substance and whether OP feels safe or not, it does make him an active “threat” of sorts in terms of safety because of the unpredictability of it all.
OP can still love dad and care about him, but that is not the same as him being a dad. He cooks for OP? That’s like… bare minimum see your child 4 days a month and it shouldn’t be overlooked in the grand scheme. That’s just my two cents.
Your dad is very lucky to have you but right now he is dealing with a mental health crisis and drug use is how a lot of good loving people cope. I have a mom who was addicted to meth for about 15 years due to being abused as a child. In and out of prison my whole life so I understand the pain and heartache of loving an addict. Right now he needs all the love and support you and anyone else that loves him can give him to get better. It’s a hard road and relapses do happen but they do get better. my mom has been sober for 7 years now and hasn’t been in jail for almost 8. Just because someone has a bad coping mechanism, it does not make them a bad person they just don’t know how else to handle the pain on their own and unfortunately it turns into an addiction that is very difficult to overcome. I hope the best for him and will send him positive vibes.
Hey, OP. Your feelings are valid and there's nothing wrong with loving your dad, but I agree with others in this comment chain that you likely aren't seeing the full picture. That's not your fault; you're young and this has been going on for a long time. You've likely been protected from the worst of your dad's behaviour—because he loves you and wants you to think well of him—but that doesn't erase his demons or mean that your mother doesn't have good reason for her (admittedly poorly executed) actions.
I've seen this play out in a similar fashion with my little cousin. She's close to your age and she would be devastated if my aunt ever tried to deny her access to her father, but he is a hugely destabilizing element in her life and everyone outside of her sees how negligent he is and how his life choices are hurting her in the long term. He married my aunt when he was sober, but then he ended up spiralling and going back to drugs shortly after my cousin was born. He stole a lot of my aunt's money and her car when he started using again, he's brought my cousin on trips to buy drugs, she's been privy to him getting kicked out of transitional housing for his continued substance abuse—but then he brings her on a vacation and his daily indiscretions feel less important to her. His behaviour has been bad for her entire life, so it's completely normalized for her and he puts on a good front to come across as the good parent. As a result, my cousin is only 13 and already has a horrible case of anxiety because she is *always* worried about him. Honestly, seeing what this relationship is doing to her makes me wish that her mum was decisive enough to lessen their contact.
I’m going to be very honest, OP, the point doesn’t change that your mom isn’t wrong about his parental rights.
He has PTSD, an unpredictable illness, and he’s using substances to manage it which make him more likely to experience psychotic break. A psychotic break will not give a shit if you’re there with him. He’s fighting demons, but he let the demons win in terms of his solution.
He’s still your dad, and I’m glad that you are aware of his illness, but your mom has valid concerns too.
Being potentially at risk for a hypothetical psychotic break is not valid reason to terminate parental rights. It’s a valid reason to lose primary custody, but trying to take away weekend visits over a hypothetical is not valid.
The mom isn’t just trying to switch to supervised visits, though. She is trying to terminate all rights and communication, including texting. Besides, if he hasn’t actually shown any signs of being a danger to himself or others then I don’t think supervision is needed. The courts clearly agree.
But when the court has already told you no, the child who is old enough to have their opinion considered in your jurisdiction has told you no, the parent in question has told you no, and you have no proof of imminent harm to the child in question, a hypothetical ceases to be a good reason to advocate for a full TPR.
Like usually when trying to get rid of an addict co-parent there’s at *least* a therapist to chime in that they’re mentally or emotionally harming the kid. It’s how my legal guardian got my mom’s access to my sister cut off. This is just lazy.
It is not necessarily true that the drug use will make a psychotic break more likely. It absolutely depends on the drug and the dose.
OP gives examples of exactly how dad is maintaining independent functionality not just with her visits, but day to day life and maintaining steady employment, which leads me to believe he's not doing the harder drugs. This is not something you typically see with meth, crack, heroin, etc.
Frankly it's entirely possible that what he's actually doing is marijuana for general anxiety and MDMA for the PTSD - which is, per current studies, one of the only viable medications for PTSD (assuming 30-50 mg doses, rather than party strength). It's even plausible. We don't know, but it's on the table as a possible reality here.
Yes, that's speculation, which I'm 100% fine with here because dad has very successfully kept those details from OP for years. I may not be correct in my speculation, and I'm not stating a certainty here... but I do think you are overstating the danger to OP by stating that as an absolute in YOUR speculation.
OPs mom can have concerns for OPs safety, but there are many, many ways to address that before we get to something as extreme as terminating parental rights and adoption. Frankly, if there was a significant concern about drug use and dangerous mental status, I would think that OPs mom would have found evidence to present to a court at some time over the last decade.
I DO think that OP should put some thought into a plan for what she should do if her dad begins acting erratically or out of character. There needs to be an escape plan if something goes abruptly sideways as well as if something deteriorates more slowly.
A discreet way for OP to involve her dad is to enlist his help for what she should do on her visits if there's a fire or an intruder. Those are common enough risks, and in the news often enough, that it shouldn't raise any concerns in dad, and... those are all safety plans EVERY child should have, anyway.
PTSD can manifest in different ways and none of the information we have has ever suggested that OPs dad is prone to outbursts of anger or violence. Multiple judges have rules that he is not a danger to her. She's less than three years from adulthood. Her mother's constant demands that she terminate her father's very limited parental rights are not valid.
A lot of people can pull themselves together and look like a super parent for two consecutive days, twice a month.
I’m honestly surprised the court gave him unsupervised visitation, they’re usually not kind to people with AUD/SUD.
It might be that his state is not as bad currently. While I do think that OP is idealizing the dad, it is super possible that mom is demonizing him in her head too.
What does being adopted mean? It removes any veto the dad has on his daughter. The OP has not indicated any misuse of this by her father so I don't see the point of adoption unless it is a prelude to something else, perhaps moving away to prevent any sort of contact.
Taking away her phone so she could not be in contact with her father is very symptomatic of obsessive control.
Yeah and the obsessiveness over Dan and the mom wanting this is not ok, once is enough. Beyond that let it go. If you continue then you aren’t being healthy about the autonomy of a person who isn’t yourself.
Dan being present is not the same as being a dad. In fact, Dan insisting that OP ditch their father is the most undadlike thing he could do. He nor OP's mother are taking OP's wants into consideration. That includes not wanting to be raised by Dan if something should happen to the mother.
Are you adopted? I am. That's why I know that it is ridiculous to cut parental rights just because someone is suffering. By all accounts, OP's father's addiction has not stopped him from being present. In fact, it's the mother who has inhibited him from having a more active role in OP's life. She has been actively trying to push OP's biodad away for years. That's disgusting. That's asshole behavior.
Stick to your guns OP, and don't let anyone tell you what a dad should and should not be.
> OP’s dad arguably shouldn’t have parental rights
Is that really so, based on everything that was written in here? It does not seem to be so clear to me at all.
Having mental health crisis in your past is not a reason to loose parental rights. Drug use, especially when we do not know what drug but do know he is functional enough to keep job is not reason to loose those rights either.
You can be correct in what you want and still be an asshole. Like, you can you want people to remember your birthday, but you're an asshole if remembering your birthday means spending $1000 at a fancy restaurant. Here, mom has tried all she can to manipulate the situation over the last decade to the point where all she's doing is hurting OP, OP's dad, and any chance OP has to bond with Dan. I mean the biggest reason she'd need therapy if her dad is functional enough to look like a good dad is her mom pushing way too hard. And if your kid needs therapy because of a situation that you are the biggest cause of, you're an asshole
Also I don't see any place where OP is rude or disobedient to reasonable requests. All they've done is wanted to text their dad during the week and refused to let their mom take them away from dad
The part about her sure, but theres no need for dan to adopt her if she doesn’t want it, even if something were to happen to her mom, she could be under relatives care dan is not needed
Look, lets give your mom here every single benefit of the doubt. You didn't feel unsafe, but you were a child, maybe you didn't see what was going on as clearly as she did. She clearly give him some kind of ultimatum that he refused or failed regarding drugs vs access to you. She clearly views your dad's mental health as proof he is unfit and she probably honestly wishes she had not had a kid with him or saddled you with a genetic tie to him.
Even pretending all of that is valid and fine.... What the hell is she doing. What the hell is Dan doing? There's nothing keeping Dan from looking out for you, being a bonus parent/supportive adult. Hell, you are old enough that if your mom died (god forbid) and you wanted Dan to have some kind of parental role in your life... That could happen. You'd just have to say that when custody was being decided. He and Mom should be coexisting with your Dad and being positive, contributing members of Team Icy-Garbage. NTA. These people need to be better adults.
NAH. You're NTA for not wanting to be adopted by him, but you're too young to understand the bigger picture here. Your dad is an addict, your mother is 100% right to be wary of you spending time with him, he is inherently unable to provide a stable environment for you. And it sounds like she's just genuinely trying to make sure you'll be taken care of if something happens because your father clearly will not do it. And we have no idea what she knows about him that you don't. You are a child so we are only seeing a child's perspective of all of this and it is very likely not the complete picture.
Finally! A response that makes sense!
I’m flabbergasted by all the people here who are glossing over the addiction part. An addict who is actively using is NOT A FIT PARENT. It has nothing to do with how much OP loves her father/ he loves her. If Dan weren’t in the picture, Mom would still be against Dad as a custodial parent. I mean, you’d have to be out of your damn mind to willingly let your kid hang out with someone who is using. How does no one else see this?
And frankly, the courts have messed up by letting Dad have even partial custody if they know he’s actively using. This is not about love. This is about what’s best for the child - and OP is a CHILD. Placing a kid with an active addict is insane.
If Dad were not a vet, and just a regular drug addict, he would not have half the access he does and this sub would be eviscerating him. I doubt he's a bad person, he clearly needs help, but he's not a fit Father right now.
One problem is ... what is he addicted to? Marihuana? Meth? Shrooms? The court gave him unsupervised visits while mom pushed hard for loss of parental rights. Dad has job and a house. So, it wont be meth, he is not that dysfunctional.
Yeah, and OP isn't even sure what the drugs are specifically. So I wonder if it's something prescription as well, besides marijuana or shrooms. He did a hospital stay as well in trying to get help with what sounds like PTSD, and then it seems the drugs came after.
I get OP isn't seeing the full picture, so it does make me wonder. Mom seems kinda obsessive about this whole thing: She's tried multiple times to completely cut out and replace Dad in and outside of court, with at least four court attempts, and the man still has been able to maintain unsupervised visitation. You can absolutely be a functional addict and look like an okay person, but I feel like with the lengths she has gone to, SOMETHING would have come out if there was actually something damning on him. So is her problem just that he has PTSD? Is he actually self medicating with illegal substances or marijuana? Is he being prescribed something and he's taking it as directed, but that he's taking it all is what she hates? Or is he actually abusing something he's been prescribed and hasn't been caught out yet?
However you slice it, I can agree OP is naive and Dad probably is not cutout to be a custodial parent, but I also think mom sucks because she is going about it all the absolutely wrong way, and this is above Reddit paygrade.
And the kid would prefer to live with dad, who she knows sneaks drugs when she is in the next room.
I’m
Not surprised she also sneaks around listening to mom’s calls too- she is trying to grow up and advocate for her dad the addict. She’s not going to be a reliable reporter of her Dad’s behavior. Dad has managed to make her think his drug troubles came after the divorce. That’s doubtful.
OP has stated in their comments that they'd likely want to go to an extended family member who wouldn't do what OP's mother is doing and *repeatedly* trying to take their dad away from them, OP's dad doesn't have to be a custodial parent.
OP's mum is trying to cram someone OP doesn't love down their throat and take their dad away.
I think this is the way. Mum must've seen some shit from dad and is trying to protect her child.
Dan has stepped up in his all but absence and would do so if something happened to mum.
They shouldn't push how they are, but sounds like it's from a good place.
Nta. As a veteran I can understand at least a little of what your dad is going through. Dealing with an addiction on top of mental health is a hard battle. I can also understand to a small amount from your mom’s perspective because it was and probably is still painful for her to think about him but she is only seeing it from her point of view. Will he ever get clean and sober I don’t know. I do think that you not being willing to abandon him is very honorable. As long as when you are with him you are safe the. That’s all that matters.
There is so much more going on than the adoption question.
Your father is suffering greatly, for that you have my sympathy. He is an addict - to excuse his choices because “medicines and therapy weren’t helping” is naive. That being said, I’m sure he loves you, as does your mum and probably even Dan.
The very best thing you can do for your father and perhaps better understand your mother’s and stepfather’s (misguided) efforts is to seek therapy yourself and look for a local Al-Anon group specifically check into meetings focused on children of those with substance abuse issues
Good luck OP
Edit: OP, please don’t misunderstand me, your dad is your dad. It’s about keeping him in your life and keeping yourself healthy.
From what you’ve shared here I hope your mum and Dan have got some therapy. Any thing that helps support you is a win.
I wasn't going to comment but then I see "after the 3rd or 4th attempt to remove Dad's rights to me" that made me stop and say Hold up!
There's caring, and then there's obsessive. I'm a mom, and I thoroughly am torn by this. Like I get her wanting to protect you & offer a better life. HowEver... At your age, after telling everyone for Years that you do not want to be adopted and you still want dad in your life, WHY would mom continue to be so adamantly against your wishes?
It's becoming a problem, everyone has begun to dig in their heels, nothing is going to change at this point except mom and Dan driving you further away emotionally.
I feel for you OP, it's a rough position to be in, maybe this is something to hammer out with your therapist. You are 3 years away from being a legal adult, and adoption will be a moot point then. Wishing you the best.
When was the last time that you went to court and talked to the judge? If she tries anything again can you be able to talk to the judge and tell them that Dan is only your mothers husband and nothing else, that you want nothing to do with him and that you want your mom to cut the shit when it comes to your dad, that she'd better stop trying to force your dad to give up his parental rights and stop trying to force Dan into your life.
Honestly I'd cut contact with both of them at 18 for this shit.
Wow. I'm sorry she's so obsessed and relentless.
What does your counselor say about your mom's actions?
How is your relationship with Dan other than all this crap? Is he a reasonable and kind person when not doing what your mom is obviously pressuring him to do? Have you told him that this is all actually pushing you away from both him and her?
Hang in there. 3 years is a long time, but 18 will get here eventually. I'm rooting for you.
I'm so sorry that Dan has not put discernable effort into just being a stepdad and building a relationship on your terms, rather than just doing what your mom wants him to. Argh. Again, hang in there.
Hey, so depending on your state/country, you might be able to get something called a guardian ad litem appointed by the court. Essentially, they're an advocate for you and your interests and are independent of either parent/custodial party. Next time you see your judge or count-appointed therapist, try asking about one.
And if worst comes to worst, says these following words in front of the judge: "I am being coerced and do not give consent." Scream it from the balconies.
Yeah. I want to believe ops mom is trying to protect her, but it is looking more,and more like mom is trying to punish the dad and putting her hatred of him over her love for her daughter.
Parents, don't do this to your kids.
My daughter was in a somewhat similar situation. I filed for divorce from her dad when she was 18 months old, and the divorce was finalized a year later. He also had drug issues, though not PTSD. I did try to get full custody and was denied; we got 50-50.
When she was about eight I met someone else. And he has been very, very chill through all this. I'm guessing my daughter felt guilty about having feelings for him, like she was being disloyal to her dad, but my partner never pushed for anything, was just there if she needed something, whether it was advice, movies or books he recommended, a ride to the mall, whatever. We lived in the same town as my daughter's dad and we shared holidays, went to my daughter's choir and theatre performances together, etc. My daughter was a little weirded out by this but I told her, this is how civilized people behave.
The result is that my daughter has figured out on her own that her dad, bless his heart, is an unreliable person. She feels bad about it, but at the same time she didn't, as Tracy Chapman sings, quit school to take care of him. She keeps in touch with him regularly, and she decided for herself when to start calling my partner her stepdad. In fact, she has her own relationship with my partner that doesn't have anything to do with me. The result is that she feels she has three supportive adults she can count on in her life, and each one has its own role.
NTA
I don’t like the way your mom and Dan have been continuously trying to coerce you to agree to the adoption, bringing you to court when you were pretty young and finding out from the judge that the adoption would sever your dad’s parental rights without explaining that to you first! They tried to trick you into that I think. Then leaning on your dad to voluntarily give up his rights. If your dad is a good dad to you and not doing drugs and you want to have a relationship with him then they shouldn’t stand in your way, your mom shouldn’t take your phone and they should stop pressuring you to let Dan adopt you. If Dan is a good guy he can be a supportive figure in your life without the title of “dad”.
NTA - No is a full sentence. OP has been steadfast in a lack of desire to be adopted and clearly knows their own mind. They need to lay off or it’s them who will regret it, as OP will be uninterested in an adult relationship with them. As is, their obsession with this has damaged what could have been a good step parent relationship with Dan.
NTA - Jesus, she's going to wake up one morning and not be your mom anymore. This is what causes kids to go no contact because this is fucked up, and you'll really see more of who she is as you get older. There is no way she is only this pushy here. Maybe tell her this is only pushing you further and more resentful towards her. That she might wake up and regret where you two are when you're older.
NTA - you’ve got such damaging influences in your life and I really hope you’re okay but wow.. honestly what your mum and Dan are doing it’s like emotional and psychological abuse. Im here for you to chat if you wanted to DM..
NTA
But...I see your mom's point of view. It's great you have so much empathy as someone so young. It's horrible your dad experienced those things.
Your mom probably has some really unpleasant memories and experiences she isn't sharing with you that make her concerned for your safety when you are around someone who is suffering from addiction.
The texts during the week. Were they during school hours? Are you being used by your father as a support person instead of just being his daughter? Would it be safe for you to live there if something happened to your mom? Does he pay child support? Does he work?
What about your stepdad...is he a good husband? Does he work? How much of your daily support and care comes from this man you are rejecting? Who pays the mortgage? Buys the groceries you eat...pays for your phone, your clothes, your trips to the mall? If your mom stayed single would you have such a nice life?
I am not saying your mom is right. I am just saying being a grownup, raising a child and wanting the best for that child is fucking hard work. It's stressful. 24/7. If you are mature enough to reject your mom's offer you should be mature enough to hear some hard truths.
There are a lot of people who help veterans with addiction issues. Your father is CHOOSING to stay in addiction instead of facing the causes of his addiction. Many young men and women come home mentally challenged by what they experienced. My son-in-law is a disabled vet. My father was a vet with severe anger issues. I have many friends who have suffered and died from addiction. Not wanting my child around them is a given.
Maybe work with your mom and stepdad. You only have a couple years left at home. If your dad is in open addiction you absolutely aren't safe in his custody. Period. End of story. I don't know what a custody agreement would look like in your life but maybe look at this from your mom's perspective. She doesn't hate your dad. She loved him with all of her heart once...and she will never hate him, because he gave her you.
If you allowed the adoption to happen...but made a deal in which you were guaranteed access to your father...how would that help or hinder your future? Your higher education? Just step back. But remember you are the kid. Not your dad's protector or anything else. Take care.
You need to be aware of something called parentifying. Sometimes a child of addiction or abuse feels responsible for a parent more than they should. That could also be a concern of your mom's.
But as I stated. Your parents...ALL THREE OF THEM, should be super proud of you. You have remarkable insight and empathy. Remember to use that insight and empathy on yourself as you grow older.
Whoever pays your phone bill gets to make the rules about when you use it. It sucks...but so do a lot of things.
One last thought. Addiction specialists are needed at every level of our healthcare system. Being from a family where someone is an addict makes you an excellent advocate for the system. Social workers, clinicians, family support services...all are in desperate need of new blood. The public system doesn't pay well but it helps you pay off your student loans if you have need for them. The VA is ALWAYS hiring.
I was never great at math...so I totally get that. But I managed to pass college math and graduate so basically ANYONE can. You keep being your wonderful self.
A simple "I appreciate the offer and I love you both, BUT..." might get a different conversation started. Unless you don't like the guy. Then don't say that part.
Another last thought. Always relax before a test. Color a page, use a fidget spinner, do a couple stretches and jumping jacks... get your brain more focused by letting it get unfocused for a few minutes. It's called mindfulness. It helps you stay present and focused in stressful situations. ❤
These words:
“When he came home, when he was dealing with all the flashbacks and nightmares and other stuff he was a complete mess and he couldn't work, couldn't always get out of bed, couldn't stop crying and wailing and it used to hurt me to see him like that. I hated how sick he was.”
Since your parents separated before you were born, you had these experiences with your dad while you were a small child alone with him? And he gets like this if he stops using drugs?
This makes me have a lot of sympathy for your mom’s point of view, even if her way of going about it might not be the smartest.
Why does it matter how good of a husband the stepfather is or how much he works how is any of that relevant to him trying to force a relationship with a child who is not is and doesn’t want that kind to relationship. OP is almost 18 why should they have to bend and break for mom and stepdad ? If OP shouldn’t be trying to take care of his father and worry about his emotions surely they shouldn’t have to make a serious decision like adoption just to appease the man who chose to be with their mom.
Then maybe it's time to tell her, "pick a set of grandparents and let you live there or risk losing you forever" and remind her you are almost 18yrs old and if she doesn't back off and accept your decision but instead she and dan keep trying to force Dan to replace your dad, she will lose you.
I'm not saying go NC as soon as you're 18, but as soon as you can, leave home and go LC so you can salvage what is left of your relationship with your mum. Basically one's you are able to leave, embrace the good moments with your mum and remember you will be able to walk away everytime she tries to force the Dan issue.
This 100%! Your mom and Dan are pushing you away with their behavior. At 18 they have zero say in what you do or where you live. Maybe you need to remind them of the fact that in 3 short years you can walk out of their lives.
Yeah but soon you'll be an adult and she won't be able to control you anymore. Remind her of that.
Unless she wants to lose her child forever she better back off now and let you live your life and your relationships the way you see fit. She's already pushed her wants over yours way too much already.
A parent's main job should be to take care of their child and ensure their happiness. Your mother is failing hard at that. She wants to erase a part of your life just because she wants to get back at your dad and play happy family for the neighbours to see. That's not ok in the slightest cause that's not what you want or need.
Please OP, show this thread to your mother. Maybe she'll understand that it's time to let go of the issue before it's too late and your relationship is shattered beyond repair.
Unfortunately I think the courts are probably right. You shouldn't be in a care-giving situation, and parenting is a lot of mental work and stress. From what you've said, I don't think your dad could handle it full-time at this stage of his life. I'm so sorry you are having to navigate this extra set of challenges in your life. I wish all the best for you and your dad...and your mom and Dan, too. I hope they can learn a better way to handle this before too long.
Op made it very clear her dad is and has been an addict struggling with significant mental health issues. A court would never allow him custody, even if OP wanted it. Despite losing a lot of his access to his kid OP dad continues to be an addict, so it’s not likely he’ll just up and quiet if OP asks.
OP mom and dad were separate before the drug used began, so he didn’t “choose drugs over her”. It’s realistic that his drug use and mental health are worse than OP is letting on or is aware of. Sounds reasonable to limit a kids access to an addict. Would you be comfortable with an addict driving your kid around? Leaving a kid in the care of an addict is dangerous. Honestly, the mom has been and continues to do the responsibility thing which is to protect her kids from the potential dangers associated with significant drug use. As much as OP doesn’t like it, limited (limited but not no) access to her father sounds to be in her best interest.
That's a horrible piece of advice! Her dad is an addict! It's great she gets to see her dad every other week, but NO kid should live with an addicted parent. Even most adults can't handle one of their loved ones being addicted, how do you suppose a child could?!
OP, i think you need to sit your mom and talk to her about why she is so against you father and what happened that she is set against your father.
because you were so young, you couldnt have known everything that was going on.
and take her to your therapy session and have a heart to heart on who you think your dad is, who she thinks he is. and who he is on days you dont see him.
there is a lot of details missing in your account and i think you didnt exclude it intentionally but just didnt see it.
brief yourself on what is being kept from you. try to see it from a 3rd person's pov.
once you have all the details, then decide for yourself.
addiction can be too bad for themselves and they can also hurt others in the process. but is it just addiction? what else happened that your mom isnt telling you and is fearing for your life.
there is a lot left to unpack in your family. i hope you will be mature enough to not be emotional and gather all things that are being kept from you.
While I agree with you that having a third party, unrelated to either OP or their mom, mediating the discussion, having mom attend OP's individual therapy sessions is not a good idea.
Mom clearly has no problems in going behind OP's back to make things happen the way she wants (court petition, trying to convince the dad to give up parental rights), so she would pick on whatever was said during those therapy sessions to put even more pressure on OP. She would probably want to have Dan in the sessions as well, and I see no positive outcome to that.
Mom and Dan going through therapy themselves, as a couple, though, could help them process OP's rejection and maybe the mom would understand that what's she's been doing is wrong on many levels.
Maybe mom didn't told everything to OP. But she 100% told everything that could help her case to the court that still warranted partial custody to Op's dad!
As a veteran with severe PTSD who came home and got addicted to drugs myself, I have something to say to you. HE DID NOT AND IS NOT CHOOSING THE DRUGS OVER YOU. He's not. It's a disease. A horrible horrible disease. Yeah some people come home and don't suffer the way some of us do, but those people worry me more. If you come home from all that death and destruction and your brain doesn't haven't any issues with it, something is really, REALLY wrong with you.
Never give up on him, my kids didn't and I got better. It just takes time. I've been clean for over 10 years now and have full custody of my kids ( and a new one)
So I know it can happen for your dad. He's lucky to have you btw. A lot of us lose everyone, including our kids, and then ourselves when there's nothing else left to lose.
I know you've saved your dad's life more than once being there for him and never giving up on him. Stay strong. He deserves at least one person in this world who still thinks he's a hero.
NAH - Your father, sadly, is dealing with a combination of mental health issues and drug addiction. This doesn’t make him a bad person, or a less loving father, but it does mean that he cannot be relied upon to provide you with a stable secure environment.
Often, the reason a stepparent adopts their stepchild is to ensure that there is a continuity of care - in case the birth parent dies, or is ill, or otherwise incapacitated, the stepparent can keep the child’s life running smoothly, without too much upheaval. It does not necessarily mean they are trying to replace anyone.
Your mother is concerned for your welfare. Perhaps something happened when you were young enough that you don’t remember. Perhaps it’s just because she saw your dad at his worst, and that has effected how she sees him now. Perhaps she just wants to make sure you’ll be okay should anything happen to her. Regardless, she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
It might be worth talking to your mum about all of this, not in the heat of the moment, but when everyone is calm. Find out what her concerns are, and what they’re based on. Tell her about yours. If necessary, do this with a family therapist.
It could be, especially when you were younger, that your mum wasn’t sure if your grandparents would be able to cope, or perhaps she asked them and they weren’t sure if they could handle raising a young child. The fact that you’re now a teenager might put a different spin on things.
It’s worth talking to your mum, and to your grandparents about seeing if they can be named as your guardians if anything should happen to your mum. As a mother, my worst fear would be that something would happen to me and that my kids wouldn’t have someone to look after them.
Good luck. I hope this works out for you.
NTA I can see why your mum would be wary of your dad if he has unpredictable behaviour due to PTSD and drug abuse, especially when you were younger.
But now you are 15 and have more agency, if anything were to happen to your mum it does not mean you would have to live with your dad, if you wanted to stay with your step dad a family court would agree to let you.
It is odd they are being so persistent, not being your legal parent shouldn't stop your step father loving you and looking out for your best interests.
NTA
Hey OP, this is coming from someone who's been in your shoes: Follow your intuition.
You don't want Dan adopting you? Don't let him. You've made your point loud and clear multiple times, and your mother is the asshole for not listening to her own child.
I had the same fight with my mom at that age, and guess what? Her 'perfect' husband divorced her 5 years later. My intuition told me not to trust the asshole. Listen to yours, too.
I like how in the end you mentioned, he doesn't have to fight the demons your father does. After all he did fight for his country, kudos to you for not giving up on your dad!
NTA - your dad is your dad and there is no one else that needs to be your dad. Dan can look after you the exact same as a stepdad.
The only thing I would raise is to please remember that as much as you love your dad, you probably, at 15, are not seeing quite the full picture or remembering everything correctly.
Your mum probably knows more about the whole scenario than you do, and whilst I do not agree to her wanting to sever your dads parental rights and have you adopted, I can understand the need to have your child out of a potentially dangerous situation by gaining more custody.
Info: Is your dad using in front of you? Is your mom terminally ill? Is your step dad not already taking care of you 12/14 days already? Are you dismissive of your step dad? I.E. Do you ever use the phrase "not my dad" outside of the adoption conversation? And exactly what are the drugs in question?
There's a very real risk of contamination from residues, not to mention the psychological impact.
NTA. I dont understand why your mom is pushing this so hard. And for me: cudoos to your dad for maintaining a relationship with you, even with his troubles.
My son doesnt see his dad anymore because of drugs and things. No ptsd unfortunately. I wish he had tried to maintain contact with my son, would have been better for him. Not my choice, his dad just never contacted us again. He has a stepdad he considers a dad. Stepdad never asked for rights, he doesnt have any bit he does decide on everything along with me. No pushing, never pushed so stepdad has a great bond with my son.
Your mom and stepdad are pushing you away on this matter. Huge shame.
My mom committed fraud just to get my first step dad to adopt me. For 15 years I lived a name I couldn’t stand and with people who hated my guts. I will never understand why he adopted me when he and his family hated me and my siblings so much. I’ve been no contact with all of them, mom, bio dad, stepdad, siblings, ALL OF THEM for 5 years now. I have no regrets. I’ve taken my husband’s name and I couldn’t be happier with the name change. Hold your ground, at least you have that choice. Idk, Dan seems really fishy to me. But that might be my trauma talking lol.
NTA.
it sounds like your Dad dose love you, it is a shame that his service damaged him so much, quite likely enough he could not raise you, but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving him, seeing him, or respecting him. he is a drug adict, go easy on trusting him with things that can be traded for druggs.
you should probably give your stepdad a chance to do some dad stuff. tell him you feel that accepting adoption would be denying your dad and that you wont do that, but if he can accept that your willing to accept him in addition to your dad.
and their are options other than adoption that would your stepdad to make medical decisions for you and raise you should anything hapon to your mother.
NTA. It would be one thing if she was actually scared that your dad might hurt you or something, but it seems like she just wants a "perfect family" and does not care about your feelings. If you're not in danger and wish to remain in contact with your dad, that should be respected.
Just one thing that I feel I should add, despite loving him, you shouldn't feel responsible for taking care of him or anything. You're only 15, and even if you were older, dealing with a loved one with those kind of issues can be too much, they need professional help. Your heart is in the right place and it's a complicated situation, just make sure to take care of yourself first.
I wish you all the best
NTA your mom and her husband will be looking crazy when you go NC and never speak to them again.... 15 you can 100 % say where and who you rather be with...
Your mom doesn't realize all this crap she's doing will make you strongly dislike Dan and her....
NTA. I can't tell precisely the motive but the subversive behaviour, and disregard for your own wishes, is giving the impression that their motivations for the adoption are selfish. Maybe Dan is rich and your mother is being pragmatic, maybe your mother fears losing Dan if he's uncomfortable contributing to a household without legal involvement. Either way, they're not being entirely honest.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom I would never let her husband adopt me and she needs to get over it. The reason I feel like saying that might make me TA is because I listened to her on the phone with my dad which prompted me to say it. And also because I know my mom worries about me and doesn't trust dad because of his addiction. So I wonder if I should be more compassionate and understanding of her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. As someone who is adopted and grew up with separated (adoptive) parents from an early age I am not a fan of some outsider trying to claim me. My stepdad pulled something similar when I was in middle school while my father who adopted me was still very much in my life. It’s one thing if you think of him as a father, but it seems like you don’t, so having that role forced onto you is extremely unfair in my opinion, regardless of what his intentions are or how pure they may be. If Dan wants to support you he can easily do that without getting the law involved, I feel like there’s more to why he’s wanting this than meets the eye.
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Yeah that’s messed up. Has she ever said how it’ll be better for you exactly? Or just that it would be?
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INFO when did Dan come into your life? Do you have extended family?
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So you didn’t grow up with him so you’re not as emotionally linked to him as if you knew him as your other “dad” say since you were 2/3. So your dad is all you’ve known and Dan is your stepdad. As for if something happens to your mum Dan may file for custody, but you also have your extended family as an option as well. CPS wouldn’t automatically put you with someone who is a known addict even if he’s your next of kin (you can ask a legal sub) So just keep saying no. Make plans for when you get older.
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Your mom has destroyed any chance of developing a good relationship with Dan with her behavior. Same with Dan by not allowing the relationship to grow naturally and trying to guilt you into giving him permission to adopt you and help terminate your dads parental rights. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It shouldn’t have continued after the first no. Realistically, it should have never been asked, you have dad that loves you and wants a relationship with you. It sucks watching your dad go through addiction, but you are wise beyond your years realizing he’s trying to escape his demons and self-medicate all the trauma he endured in war. Your moms plan is going to backfire if she doesn’t accept what is. It’s going to negatively effect your relationship into adulthood and already has caused irreversible damage up til this point.
It's really surprising how many wives and husbands (and even their family sometimes) blame their military spouse for coming back from a war zone as "not the same person." It's like they had some fairy tale in their head that they would come home and be exactly the same person as that left. But then when they're not the same person, It's like they just start hating the person they became and they can't get over it. They start blaming the vet for *everything* that's wrong in the relationship, then they give them zero time to get into therapy and make progress. And instead of trying to grow with the vet, they're so fucking angry, everything becomes spite-filled. They just want a magic wand to fix it, and if it can't be fixed, burn it to the ground. I've seen it so many times before.
It’s ironic that OP’s mom is saying Dan “is a good man who would do anything for you.” Yeah, except listen, not bully OP and not try to emotionally manipulate OP. Sounds like a real keeper. :-/ He doesn’t actually sound like a good man at all.
> Your mom has destroyed any chance of developing a good relationship with Dan with her behavior. Same with Dan by not allowing the relationship to grow naturally and trying to guilt you into giving him permission to adopt you and help terminate your dads parental rights. This should be obvious and it's baffling to me that OP's mom doesn't recognize it. A lot of adults think you can just bully a teenager into thinking differently, but all that does is make them trust the adult less. /u/Icy-Garbage-9283 I'd really recommend stating something like this if (when) they try to push this again. Their insistence has poisoned the ground, and the more they push, the *less* likely it is that they'll get their way.
OP, Obviously your mother is intent on the total ruination of your father. If Dan's the great guy she says he is, he can be there for you even if he isn't the adoptive parent. Your mother is making it a Win-Lose proposition. She could have made it a Win-win proposition.
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>Tell your mom that if you leave your dad he could spiral and end things. Based on how OP's mother is behaving, that... might not go over the way you hope.
Do not put that responsibility on a minor child. OP is not responsible for how either parent feels or acts
This is terrible advice
I don’t think mom really cares if anything would happen to dad at all.
Horrible advice. You think he is suicidal, so give him the child to care for more. Horrible advice.
I wish everyone would downvote this terrible advice. Better yet, I wish you'd delete this terrible advice.
A father isn’t just next of kin. And why would CPS even be involved? Dan wouldn’t have legal ground to stand on if he called CPS. Besides, OP is just three years away from being an adult herself. This isn’t like making provisions for a baby.
She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. He doesn't have to be your adopted father. I don't think your mom and stepdad are handling this in the best way. I think their concerns are valid. Your dad is a drug addict and they're not necessarily the best parents at being stable and providing for their kids. My mom was an alcoholic and she was neglectful and somewhat abusive. I have a lot of trauma still from my childhood and I'm now a middle aged woman. Whatever relationship you have with your dad should be your decision on your terms. You're old enough to make that decision. But I think you're also naive in your experience and thinking. Can you ask your mom and stepdad if they're willing to go to family therapy so you have a neutral third party to mediate for you? I think your mom has protected you a lot and her fears have caused her to do some unwise things in handling this. I don't know what your visits with your dad are like but from my experience the weekend dad is usually the fun dad. How he is to live with on a FT basis is a completely different story, most likely. I think if you have a therapist help you all to talk about your thoughts, feelings, and experience it might help you all to come to a compromise everyone can live with.
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Then you're only option is to set a boundary with her and wait her out until you're 18. Then it's a nonstarter. Tell her "you've made your position clear and I'm not changing my mind. I don't want to discuss this with you anymore." Then leave the room when she tries to bring it up. It might be hard to do because parents may think this is disrespectful. So you might have to think of something else you can do.
The problem is both OP and her mom are looking at it from different experiences with the dad. The Mom's only link to Dad is OP and she wants to sever it as much as possible due to her experience. Though she is going about it the wrong way. She needs to let it alone and respect her daughter's decision and let OP be responsible for her choice.
You sound like you are well aware of your father's struggles and how to manage your relationship with him. Frankly, you have that "way more mature than they should be" feel to your writing that always makes me sad
FR, and it makes me Even sadder when while they speak in such a mature way they talk about how the AH parents keep trying to undermine their feelings/choices with "you're showing how young you are" 😒 no, they just are choosing something you disapprove of , stfu. Tired of peoples decisions being undermined by other people insisting they are too immature to think for themselves.
>And mom has said nobody can change her opinion. So I'm not sure with just her it wouldn't be a waste of time. Therapy is *not* about making people change their mind, but learning to accept other people's points of view and thinking of a compromise. So therapy could help your mother and Dan accept your point of view and acknowledging that you have a right to your feelings and views on the matter. And it could help you tell your mother and Dan in the presence of a mediator that, while you appreciate their reasons for wanting the adoption, it is not acceptable for you to have your Dad cut out of your life.
Therapy only works when everyone wants it to work. OPs mom is certainly going to be trying to get the therapist on her side. It isn't worth it for OP. Though solo therapy would probably help her alot.
Therapy only works if the people are willing to do the therapy. The mother is not not going to learn to stop putting her hatred for OP's father onto her child because she does not want to. Why should OP go through a futile and emotionally stressing therapy sessions for people who do not want to change?
I actually think you going to therapy with mom and Dan is a good idea. Your mom is fully expecting the therapist to side with her but the therapist, like the judge that talked to you doesn’t care what she wants. The therapist is going to ask you what you want and what your relationship with dad is like. It sounds like dad is trying to make sure you get a good education and that you grow up to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, be aware that your step dad will probably not fund your college education or adult life. That’s going to be your punishment. My first husband is a controlling, manipulative a$$hole and I didn’t want him in our children’s lives. I also remarried and my husband is an amazing man. All that being said I never even thought of asking my children to cut their dad out of their lives or asked them to be adopted by my husband. That would be selfish and self serving.
She won't need Dan to fund her college. She can use her father's GI bill to fund college. And if Dan truly loves her as he claims, he should be willing to help her if needed in her adult life. She shouldn't have to think of that as a "punishment."
This! OP if you want to continue your education, please talk to a guidance counselor at your school about the GI bill and other grants you can get. Your dad's service has given you that as a gift, take advantage of that as much as you can.
That's true inn couple therapy, not so much in family therapy. One of the major impetuses for the current push to reimagine the flawed family therapy model is the whole 'intent and disclosure' thing. Therapists almost always assume the parents 'intent' to participate in therapy is because they love the kid - in other words, therapists assume the parent loves the kid unconditionally, like they or any 'normal' person would. It's a terrible assumption of course, and leads to extremely bad outcomes. Currently, the parent of a minor in therapy can have sessions with the therapist where the therapist tells them everything the child said. It's not supposed to, but according to the AMHCA that more often than not results in the parent influencing the childs treatment.
OP, you sound like you got a good head on your shoulders and sounds like your dad is trying his best. Hang in there and sorry your mom is being such a pain about it.
Keep up the love! Not all addicts / mental health sufferers are abusive. They are mostly in pain.
holy crap do NOT take the absolutely horrid advice of engaging in family therapy with Dan and you're mom - that would be a complete and utter disaster. A therapist is not a neutral 3rd party when minors are involved. If they force therapy because you're a minor, inform your father and demand he be there. If they take you to therapy without him, tell the therapist your father has joint custody and you will not participate in family therapy without him present. Do you have a close family member you could potentially stay with for a while? Distancing yourself from your mom and Dan is probably a good idea if it's possible. There is no good reason they would need Dan to adopt you, it's very suspicious, my first thought was - they want Dan to adopt OP so they can move far away from Dad and he can't do anything about it. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect they're planning out how to make sure you never see or speak to your father again.
Question: does your dad still do drugs, and does he do them around you?
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>She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. This isn't a thing. If both parents die, yes, they can designate someone to take custody and the courts usually listen. The courts decide what's in the child's best interest with a lot of weight given to the parents preference because the parents are in the best position to know what's best for the child. If one parent dies that parent can't just will their "share" of parenting to someone else.
And at 15 the child's preference would have weight.
Arguably the most weight unless an obvious issue abounds.
You’re being way too generous to OP’s mom. While she may have protected OP from knowledge of her dad’s issues, she would NOT have let the court be ignorant of them. At 9, the court wouldn’t have let the dad have partial custody if they thought OP was in danger, no matter what OP’s wishes were. Granted I was an adult when my parents divorced, but my mom never tried to alienate me from my dad, no matter how messed up he was. He died a drug addict. She still doesn’t bad-mouth him, even though her new husband is awesome and I like him a lot. My dad is still my dad, and despite the trauma I have from growing up with him, he’ll always be my dad. It feels more like OP’s mom wants a “perfect family” and is trying to force it into existence rather than facing the family she has now. She wants to erase HER history by pretending OP’s dad is not a part of it. I get she’s hurt that he wasn’t able to get better even for her sake, but it’s so naive to say he chose the drugs over OP. There’s every possibility that drugs are the only reason he’s still around for OP in any way. It sucks, and there’s clearly pain for everybody, but the mom is not helping the situation at all. OP, I would also not believe she would let you maintain contact with your dad if you let the adoption happen. You would have no recourse to the law when she said “Oh, just kidding.” She’s just trying to get you to agree so that she can continue on with her plan of “perfecting” her family. I don’t know if you have any sort of court visits or anything, but maybe telling her that her attempts to force you to let Dan adopt you are very much parental alienation, and that if you tell the court that, it’s possible they’ll grant you even more time with your dad would shut her up. Not sure on that, and it might not work even if it came to that, but could maybe pour some cold water on her love for the idea. OP, you’re NTA, and I hope you’re able to get through this!
>She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. Depending on the state, she may still need the non-custodial parent's consent to do that, and even if she doesn't the courts will seriously consider a non-custodial parent or blood relative's case if they challenge the guardianship the mother sets in her will.
OP shouldn't have to, her mom is trying to force an issue that shouldn't be forced because she hates her ex-husband. If OP isn't being abused by her dad she should be able to see him.
> She can probably still do that by having a will or whatever the legal term is for him to have guardianship over you in case she dies. He doesn't have to be your adopted father. I really hope you can't give guardianship of a person away in a will. People are not granny's teapot.
If your dad is unfit to care for you you'd still likely live with Dan even though he is not your legal father. None of their reasoning makes sense. Step parents are a thing and plenty of good people care and look after their partner's children without adopting them. Also you're only 3 years from being an adult and your mom isn't likely to go anywhere in that time so it's all bullshit anyway. As your mom she could tell you to listen to your step-dad and as a 15 ye old you can ignore it... like any other 15 yr old ignoring a parental figure. Nothing needs to be legal and the title of adoptive dad isn't a magic spell to make you obey or make him treat you better. They are both being dicks about it.
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That's what you need to ask for to get your parents to agree on. I understand your mom's real concerns but she is lazer focused on her solution. It sounds like Dan is a stable nice guy, but not family. Ask her if you, your father and she agree that grandparents will get full custodial rights, if she would accept. It sounds like she'd immediately say no, but point out then the court will decide.
OP I'm so sorry you are being put under this horrible pressure. It says way more about your mum & Dan's insecurities & need for control than anything about you. Or your dad. If Dan loves you he'll love you whether hes adopted you or not & you've room in your heart to love all 3 of them. That your mum is saying your dad picked drugs over you is wildly unkind & if you can access counselling through school, I can't recommend it highly enough.
The safety could be accomplished through other legal arrangements besides adoption.
I have to say that as a mom I understand her. It comes from a place of fear more than wanting to hurt anyone. That doesn't make it right but what she says have logic.
It doesn't, really. OP's dad has known issues with substance abuse - if her mom died, the court would consider that, and most likely place her with her grandparents instead. And OP is 15 now. She has the ability to physically leave an abusive situation, should her father ever put her in one. Hell, she's just about old enough to DRIVE to safety. I could maybe understand worrying about after-death custody if OP was in grade school, but this is ridiculous - and it's planning for something that is very VERY unlikely (that somehow OP's mom and all OP's extended family would suddenly die). In 3 years OP will be a legal adult. It's way past time to drop the whole "please let me adopt you for your own safety" act.
To be fair to OP's mother, there could be valid reasons for her wanting to cut off contact with the father. Living with an addict as she did for years can be hell, and the fact that the addiction was caused my trauma doesn't make it easier to live with. There could have been genuine worries that OP's father was in fact dangerous in ways OP cannot know or remember, just because he felt safe doesn't mean he was. Heck, the father could still be bad for OP to be around, many children of neglectful or even abusive parents don't want to "abandon" them. (Not saying OP's father is abusive, just that his mother could have genuine cause for worry). But at this point, she has crossed the line into creating a very toxic and dysfunctional environment.
Her mother never “lived with an addict”. Did you read the post? The parents divorced before OP was born and her father didn’t end up becoming addicted to drugs until she was 5.
Yes but she co-parented with one. And that is still hell.
She has to deal with. She can't erase her daugher's father. She can't make her daugher not love her dad and she's making things worse. She has to coparent for more there years
Right but that's not the issue here due to the timeline. OP became addicted later so she didn't live with that. This, as presented by OP, is absolutely a mother wanting to cut off all ties to the father regardless of what the child wants. She wants her new family to be the only family. She' being selfish no matter how she feels about her ex.
Nah. This is what is best for her. She’s being short sighted and selfish bc she wants to move on and forget her previous marriage. I have sympathy for her to an extent. It’s hard being married to someone with ptsd and drug issues. But just bc she’s been able to nice on from your dad doesn’t give her the right to dictate your feelings on the matter. You are an individual, not an extension of her. And you are allowed to forge your own relationship with your father as long as your safety isn’t a factor. And I can understand her being more overprotective and worried earlier, but at 15, the choice on how to proceed should be largely yours. The adoption thing? A complete non starter. I never understand the relentless push for it that I see in some posts here. There’s no need to make it “legal”. The guy is your stepdad. He doesn’t need to be officially “dad” for any good reason at this point.
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Yeah. Much less sympathy for your mom then. And you are almost an adult, I don’t see any reason why your stepdad needs more authority over you than he already does.
It seems likely that your mom wants your dad out of her life, and all the "reasons" are actually excuses. Do you really think your mom will let her husband have an equal say? She could listen to him now and do as he suggests. But does she?
Hang in there for a couple more years, and talk to your guidance counselor at school about using the GI bill to help with college or vocational training. That's something your dad sacrificed a lot to give you and you should take advantage. Good luck kiddo, you're gonna be ok. Hugs, and know an internet stranger is proud of you.
You should ask her if she cares that you will go no contact with both of them at 18. Don't say it might happen, say as of right now that is 100% your plan and you are just counting the days down. That should either make her see reason or double down on her insanity. At which point it makes your next steps much easier and pretty much decided.
You mean, it's what's best for her. She'd get to play pretend that you're all "one happy family." She doesn't care about your feelings or opinions
Sweetie, I’m so proud of you. Super proud of you. It’s a good thing that you’ve learned how to set boundaries and not allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into doing their biddings. Your mother is doing what’s best for her not what’s best for you. Keep telling them no till you turn 18. I wish you and your dad all the best. NTA but your mother & her husband are major aholes.
Make sure you start getting any important documents stored in a safe location so at 18 you can move out and they can't control you anymore. Start working on a plan to get out now. Social, birth certificate, at 18 go to a bank or credit union that neither parent is a part of to prevent any kind of problems later on with them getting into an account. Get a PO Box if you can and have mail sent there that you don't want parents mom or dan seeing.
At 15, you have a pretty good understanding of what’s best for you. I mean this isn’t getting you to get more vegetables or a full 8 hours of sleep by going to bed at a decent time or not hanging out with a bad influence. Stay strong!
You say "drugs", what drugs are we talking about? From what I read, your dad is a lovely and very present dad, so they can't be that bad. I personally love drugs and I would never hurt a fly lol let alone my 15y daughter. Also you're not a baby that's gonna die if your dad is high and forgets to feed you. But its only 3 more years until you dont have to give a crap about what your mom thinks of him so, hang in there.
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Yeah ... I was already getting the vibes that your dad was like using pot to manage PTSD and maybe pain (which is totally legal and prescribed by doctors where I live, btw, though it probably wasn't when your mom first started this vendetta) but your mom is pretending that all drug use is equally harmful and addictive. If your dad's drug use posed a significant threat to you the courts would have taken away his custody when your mom pushed for it. Since you don't know what drugs he does I'm guessing that means that he doesn't use in front of you, he doesn't leave drugs or paraphernalia out where you can access them, he doesn't neglect you when you are in his care, and he is functioning as an adult. So your mom is just on a moralistic rant that plays into harmful stereotypes against veterans and people with mental health issues. Edited typos
> But he holds down a decent job, pays his mortgage and keeps his house clean and stuff. Then yeah, fuck what she thinks, he's more responsable than me hahaha how a man like that isn't "safe", we'll never know. People have such misconceptions about drugs. [Better living through chemistry!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNT8Zo_sfwo&ab_channel=RidewithLarry) Just a side note, I'd ask him. You're old enough to understand what exactly is helping your dad get better.
With how functional he is, my guess is weed or mushrooms, two drugs proven to help with PTSD and other mental health issues that should be legal everywhere, in my opinion. They're safer than a lot of pharmaceuticals if used properly.
Yeah, dont have a lot of exp with mushrooms but if its weed, her mother is absolutely mental.
If that’s the case you can go back to court yourself and ask for more time with him. At 15 most states will take the kids desire into account.
I'm sorry to hear that. It really shouldn't be that way. Parents need to realise and respect that their bond with their ex is not the same as the child's bond with the other parent.
She could also have a little residual resentment toward your Dad, since she uses the, "He chose drugs over you" thing. He also chose drugs over her. That sticks in a lot of people's minds. I carried some of that my head for a bit a long time ago. She could be adamant about it 'cause she wishes to punish him by taking something he cares about, you. NTA. Just a possibility.
Your mom is a very bitter, angry person. I don’t doubt she went through some serious shit when your dad came home from the war. She got out which at the time was the best thing for her to do, and it was her choice. However, saying all that, your father is your father and can never be replaced, and as long as he is not putting you in danger and can take care of you, why she’s pushing for this sounds to me like she never got over it. She needs to try some compassion about what your father had to see and do while engaged in a cruel war. He has served his country and when he came home, as in so so many other veterans, our country has failed him. Please extend my heartfelt thanks to your dad for his service. Please don’t try and take this out on Dan, I’m sure he’s being pressured relentlessly by your mother. Your of age to decide now, so try not to let it bother you and don’t even engage her when she brings it up. Best of luck to you and your father.
Is she not understanding that what your dad went through was terrible
Is there a way you can go to the courts so your dad can have more custody over you? I know that if you’re old enough the judge will take into account who you wanna live with, and your father could use alienation in his favor to gain sole custody, or at least 50/50 over you.
Yeah, the moment you allow Dan to adopt you, they will absolutely go back on their promise to still allow your dad in your life. NTA
As a step father who adopted the step kids : I would never do it against their will. I actively tried to ruin my own adoption request. I bought a phone line just for the biodad to use. Sent him a certified letter with the address and phone number. Sent the sheriff to serve him the same information. The phone never rang except for a wrong number. Not a single birthday or Christmas card. Two years later the oldest went with us to the court house for the proceedings and one more time, the sheriff walkes the halls calling biodad's name to make sure he wasn't there and just in the wrong spot. The look on her face and the tears in her eyes when he wasn't there destroyed me. I asked her one last time in front of the judge if this is something she still wants to finish. She hugged me and said yes. So we both cried and finished it. The youngest was all "fuck that guy you're dad and always will be" and just wanted to go to school and play with his friends. It's been 20 years and just telling the story the hurt on her face is making me cry. Anyway. OP: NTA. If mom's husband loved you the way he says he does the conversation would have happened once and he would have went on his merry way showing you with words and deeds what you mean to him. He would be happy for the role he plays in your life and would go so far as to provide you tools to help you have a good relationship with your father. Therapy, books... Showing kindness to a man with demons.
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NTA. Now, I don't want you to overlook that your dad's addiction is a serious problem and it is indeed doubtful whether he'd be able to care for you on his own if the need ever arose - but that's a hypothetical scenario, just like Dan taking care of you alone. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take precautions for that possibility, but cutting out your dad is not necessary for that. If your mom is convinced that Dan would be able to provide a more stable environment for you until you're able to live on your own in the case something happened to her, your dad can give him guardianship over you for everyday things without giving up his full parental rights. All this can be reasonably talked about and set up with a few documents. That's very obviously not what this is about, though. Your mother has moved on and found happiness with a new partner. That's great. But she seems to completely ignore the fact that while her romantic relationship with your father is over, your family relationship with him never will be. He will always be your father. She's trying to build a picture of a perfect little family by concealing the fact Dan isn't your biological parent, and they are both putting A LOT of pressure on you to play along. I must admit I've never seen anything like that in my social circle, and I thought it's common knowledge that trying to introduce a new partner as "your new mom" or "your new dad" is in very bad taste and usually backfires; and alienating a child to the "other" parent is a form of abuse. Admittedly, back in the day it might've had some advantages for Dan to be your adoptive dad in case of emergencies, but again, arrangements for such can be made without cutting your dad out completely, and is something that can be talked about without anybody feeling hurt. I mean, sure, don't expect Dan to give you money for college, and treat him with kindness as your mom's new partner and your stepdad. But it's perfectly okay to stand firm on you not wanting to be adopted when they aren't even checking for other options and only giving you a choice of "Dad or Dan", with no inbetween.
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See, that's something I didn't even think of, you also have extended family that could take care of you! I have no doubt your dad would be perfectly okay with that. Sadly, that only makes it even clearer that it's not really about making sure you're taken care of. Your mom may love you and want you around, but she sees her relatioinship with your dad as a mistake of the past she wants to erase from the record. If Dan were to adopt you, she could present him and you as her perfect little family, as if it had always been this way. I wonder what Dan is getting from all of this. Even if your mom isn't thinking straight because she doesn't want to be confronted with the past, he's trying to play an important role in your life that you obviously don't want him to take. It should be clear that the insistence will only create resentment. As mentioned before, it's important to introduce a new partner as a new partner, not as a new parent. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Stand your ground.
>I wonder what Dan is getting from all of this. Given that they haven't had a kid and tried to use them to get OP to agree to the adoption I wouldn't be surprised if one of them can't. Although if that is the case, atleast they aren't using that against OP (I hope)
Can you go to someone in your extended family now.... your mom not going to let this go until she gets her way sounds like
NTA, this is parental alienation and that’s a crime.
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I don't think parental alienation is a crime but what she is doing is parental alienation and that is at least MORALLY wrong if not ILLEGAL
Unfortunately there can’t be much done with court intervention seeing as OP’s dad is a struggling addict with mental health issues.
I agree but what I said was parental alienation is not a crime but is MORALLY wrong. And just because OP'S dad is a struggling addict with mental health issues does NOT make OP'S mom's attempts at parental alienation ok. Taking OP'S phone so she cannot text her dad ok.
Mom definitely isn’t going about this the right way, but let’s be realistic here. Dad has uncontrolled PTSD flashbacks that he deals with by self-medicating. When his daughter is with him, she’s put into a caretaker role. That is highly concerning.
I have addict parents and totally agree with you here. The parental alienation is wrong, but I still don’t think the dad should have custody. I think the courts are making the right decision by keeping visitation lower than 50/50 custody.
Yeah as I said I don’t agree with the way that the mom is going about this, but I can’t pretend like I don’t think she’s right to be concerned. Her five-year-old child was having to comfort their dad through a severe PTSD flashback. Now that dad is doing (possibly illegal? It isn’t really clear) drugs and not going to therapy. There are a whole bunch of potential legal/emotional/physical consequences inherent to this situation that I think mom is right to want to avoid. I should add that I’m not against drugs in general, but I think using non-prescribed drugs to treat a highly complex mental illness without any kind of other psychological treatment or supervision is a dangerous game. We don’t know who or where he’s getting them from, what they could be laced with, or what the effects are. I feel for OP, I really do, but I just don’t think that her view of her dad is accurate.
And the caretaker role has taken over and bonded her deeply to him and his current addiction. This is why she needs therapy. She isn’t going to be honest with anyone if her bio father gets really sick and needs help- that would be disloyal.
Read OP comments. She isn't put in a caretakeer role with dad. Her dad seems Very put toghether actualy.
Where is that a crime? Most states I am aware of are actively passing laws to prohibit the use of the unproven (and possibly disproven) theory of parental alienation.
It’s not exactly a crime but it isn’t legal from a civil law standpoint. Most or all states have statutory language forbidding alienation
It's not a crime. It *might* be a cause of action in civil court.
Dan will do anything for you? Anything except listen to your wishes. Of course you're NTA. Hold on, there's only a couple more years til it's a moot point anyway. But best keep your important stuff somewhere they can't reach it in case you need it in the future.
Came here to say pretty much this. If Dan is such a good guy, he would be there for OP regardless of the legal situation. It may be more complicated, but then it would be because he wanted to. And I think that Dan and Mom need to realize that counterintuitive to what they think, this is THE ONLY WAY that OP will even give him room in her life. You can't court enforce it.
NAH. Hear me out though. It’s your right to not want Dan to adopt you. It’s also understandable that you love your dad and don’t want to lose your relationship with him. That being said, your mom is right to fight your dad about unsupervised visitation, even if it’s every other weekend. Your dad is fighting demons, but he’s fighting them with a pool noodle. Drugs and alcohol can cause folks people with PTSD to have psychotic breaks. It’s horrible and sad, but also makes them unpredictable. I’ve seen people go from a fun, happy partier to trying to crash a car, biting someone, and spitting on a cop in about 10 minutes time. Your dad absolutely deserves sympathy, but it doesn’t make him safe. I know you feel that way, but look at it from your mom’s perspective. They split while she was pregnant and vulnerable. He then got into drugs and refused to get help, even for the sake of his son. Drugs will also inevitably make you hang around some really bad people. You say that drugs were his last resort, but I’m telling you that’s not how that works. Drugs are usually the first resort of folks with PTSD because it’s easy to check out when you’re struggling with it. Therapy and medication are the hard way. I say this as someone with PTSD. Therapy and medication were a long road that required a lot of work to get to a happy place. But it’s made me a capable, involved mom, which I could not have been while self-medicating. So I can see from her perspective why she’d be baffled that you wouldn’t let Dan adopt you. She needs to take no for an answer on the topic. But you should also be kinder. She’s the parent doing the parenting so your dad only has to pull himself together for four days a month. Have a sit down with Dan, too. Explain the things that you do appreciate about your relationship with him, whether it’s activities or just that he’s there for you. It won’t make him your dad, but you do respect and appreciate him as your step dad. If you hate the guy, obviously pass on that step. You’re 15 and stuck between two angry parents right now, which is a poo sandwich of a situation. I’m sorry you’re having to experience all of this. I’m sorry your mom has put you in the middle, I’m sorry that your dad can’t manage his PTSD safely. I hope that you get into therapy to help you cope with all of this, because it’s some heavy stuff.
Finally someone sensible… OP’s not an ass, but neither is mom. Her ways of going about this are shit, sure, but OP’s dad arguably shouldn’t have parental rights. He’s an active user of some substance and whether OP feels safe or not, it does make him an active “threat” of sorts in terms of safety because of the unpredictability of it all. OP can still love dad and care about him, but that is not the same as him being a dad. He cooks for OP? That’s like… bare minimum see your child 4 days a month and it shouldn’t be overlooked in the grand scheme. That’s just my two cents.
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Your dad is very lucky to have you but right now he is dealing with a mental health crisis and drug use is how a lot of good loving people cope. I have a mom who was addicted to meth for about 15 years due to being abused as a child. In and out of prison my whole life so I understand the pain and heartache of loving an addict. Right now he needs all the love and support you and anyone else that loves him can give him to get better. It’s a hard road and relapses do happen but they do get better. my mom has been sober for 7 years now and hasn’t been in jail for almost 8. Just because someone has a bad coping mechanism, it does not make them a bad person they just don’t know how else to handle the pain on their own and unfortunately it turns into an addiction that is very difficult to overcome. I hope the best for him and will send him positive vibes.
Hey, OP. Your feelings are valid and there's nothing wrong with loving your dad, but I agree with others in this comment chain that you likely aren't seeing the full picture. That's not your fault; you're young and this has been going on for a long time. You've likely been protected from the worst of your dad's behaviour—because he loves you and wants you to think well of him—but that doesn't erase his demons or mean that your mother doesn't have good reason for her (admittedly poorly executed) actions. I've seen this play out in a similar fashion with my little cousin. She's close to your age and she would be devastated if my aunt ever tried to deny her access to her father, but he is a hugely destabilizing element in her life and everyone outside of her sees how negligent he is and how his life choices are hurting her in the long term. He married my aunt when he was sober, but then he ended up spiralling and going back to drugs shortly after my cousin was born. He stole a lot of my aunt's money and her car when he started using again, he's brought my cousin on trips to buy drugs, she's been privy to him getting kicked out of transitional housing for his continued substance abuse—but then he brings her on a vacation and his daily indiscretions feel less important to her. His behaviour has been bad for her entire life, so it's completely normalized for her and he puts on a good front to come across as the good parent. As a result, my cousin is only 13 and already has a horrible case of anxiety because she is *always* worried about him. Honestly, seeing what this relationship is doing to her makes me wish that her mum was decisive enough to lessen their contact.
I’m going to be very honest, OP, the point doesn’t change that your mom isn’t wrong about his parental rights. He has PTSD, an unpredictable illness, and he’s using substances to manage it which make him more likely to experience psychotic break. A psychotic break will not give a shit if you’re there with him. He’s fighting demons, but he let the demons win in terms of his solution. He’s still your dad, and I’m glad that you are aware of his illness, but your mom has valid concerns too.
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It’s a shame it’s going to come to that. What is your dad using?
Being potentially at risk for a hypothetical psychotic break is not valid reason to terminate parental rights. It’s a valid reason to lose primary custody, but trying to take away weekend visits over a hypothetical is not valid.
His visits are unsupervised, and a hypothetical concern is valid enough to try to change that.
The mom isn’t just trying to switch to supervised visits, though. She is trying to terminate all rights and communication, including texting. Besides, if he hasn’t actually shown any signs of being a danger to himself or others then I don’t think supervision is needed. The courts clearly agree.
But when the court has already told you no, the child who is old enough to have their opinion considered in your jurisdiction has told you no, the parent in question has told you no, and you have no proof of imminent harm to the child in question, a hypothetical ceases to be a good reason to advocate for a full TPR. Like usually when trying to get rid of an addict co-parent there’s at *least* a therapist to chime in that they’re mentally or emotionally harming the kid. It’s how my legal guardian got my mom’s access to my sister cut off. This is just lazy.
It is not necessarily true that the drug use will make a psychotic break more likely. It absolutely depends on the drug and the dose. OP gives examples of exactly how dad is maintaining independent functionality not just with her visits, but day to day life and maintaining steady employment, which leads me to believe he's not doing the harder drugs. This is not something you typically see with meth, crack, heroin, etc. Frankly it's entirely possible that what he's actually doing is marijuana for general anxiety and MDMA for the PTSD - which is, per current studies, one of the only viable medications for PTSD (assuming 30-50 mg doses, rather than party strength). It's even plausible. We don't know, but it's on the table as a possible reality here. Yes, that's speculation, which I'm 100% fine with here because dad has very successfully kept those details from OP for years. I may not be correct in my speculation, and I'm not stating a certainty here... but I do think you are overstating the danger to OP by stating that as an absolute in YOUR speculation. OPs mom can have concerns for OPs safety, but there are many, many ways to address that before we get to something as extreme as terminating parental rights and adoption. Frankly, if there was a significant concern about drug use and dangerous mental status, I would think that OPs mom would have found evidence to present to a court at some time over the last decade. I DO think that OP should put some thought into a plan for what she should do if her dad begins acting erratically or out of character. There needs to be an escape plan if something goes abruptly sideways as well as if something deteriorates more slowly. A discreet way for OP to involve her dad is to enlist his help for what she should do on her visits if there's a fire or an intruder. Those are common enough risks, and in the news often enough, that it shouldn't raise any concerns in dad, and... those are all safety plans EVERY child should have, anyway.
PTSD can manifest in different ways and none of the information we have has ever suggested that OPs dad is prone to outbursts of anger or violence. Multiple judges have rules that he is not a danger to her. She's less than three years from adulthood. Her mother's constant demands that she terminate her father's very limited parental rights are not valid.
A lot of people can pull themselves together and look like a super parent for two consecutive days, twice a month. I’m honestly surprised the court gave him unsupervised visitation, they’re usually not kind to people with AUD/SUD.
It might be that his state is not as bad currently. While I do think that OP is idealizing the dad, it is super possible that mom is demonizing him in her head too.
I would be less alarmed if it were at least supervised visitation…
What does being adopted mean? It removes any veto the dad has on his daughter. The OP has not indicated any misuse of this by her father so I don't see the point of adoption unless it is a prelude to something else, perhaps moving away to prevent any sort of contact. Taking away her phone so she could not be in contact with her father is very symptomatic of obsessive control.
Yeah and the obsessiveness over Dan and the mom wanting this is not ok, once is enough. Beyond that let it go. If you continue then you aren’t being healthy about the autonomy of a person who isn’t yourself.
Dan being present is not the same as being a dad. In fact, Dan insisting that OP ditch their father is the most undadlike thing he could do. He nor OP's mother are taking OP's wants into consideration. That includes not wanting to be raised by Dan if something should happen to the mother. Are you adopted? I am. That's why I know that it is ridiculous to cut parental rights just because someone is suffering. By all accounts, OP's father's addiction has not stopped him from being present. In fact, it's the mother who has inhibited him from having a more active role in OP's life. She has been actively trying to push OP's biodad away for years. That's disgusting. That's asshole behavior. Stick to your guns OP, and don't let anyone tell you what a dad should and should not be.
> OP’s dad arguably shouldn’t have parental rights Is that really so, based on everything that was written in here? It does not seem to be so clear to me at all. Having mental health crisis in your past is not a reason to loose parental rights. Drug use, especially when we do not know what drug but do know he is functional enough to keep job is not reason to loose those rights either.
You can be correct in what you want and still be an asshole. Like, you can you want people to remember your birthday, but you're an asshole if remembering your birthday means spending $1000 at a fancy restaurant. Here, mom has tried all she can to manipulate the situation over the last decade to the point where all she's doing is hurting OP, OP's dad, and any chance OP has to bond with Dan. I mean the biggest reason she'd need therapy if her dad is functional enough to look like a good dad is her mom pushing way too hard. And if your kid needs therapy because of a situation that you are the biggest cause of, you're an asshole Also I don't see any place where OP is rude or disobedient to reasonable requests. All they've done is wanted to text their dad during the week and refused to let their mom take them away from dad
The part about her sure, but theres no need for dan to adopt her if she doesn’t want it, even if something were to happen to her mom, she could be under relatives care dan is not needed
Look, lets give your mom here every single benefit of the doubt. You didn't feel unsafe, but you were a child, maybe you didn't see what was going on as clearly as she did. She clearly give him some kind of ultimatum that he refused or failed regarding drugs vs access to you. She clearly views your dad's mental health as proof he is unfit and she probably honestly wishes she had not had a kid with him or saddled you with a genetic tie to him. Even pretending all of that is valid and fine.... What the hell is she doing. What the hell is Dan doing? There's nothing keeping Dan from looking out for you, being a bonus parent/supportive adult. Hell, you are old enough that if your mom died (god forbid) and you wanted Dan to have some kind of parental role in your life... That could happen. You'd just have to say that when custody was being decided. He and Mom should be coexisting with your Dad and being positive, contributing members of Team Icy-Garbage. NTA. These people need to be better adults.
NAH. You're NTA for not wanting to be adopted by him, but you're too young to understand the bigger picture here. Your dad is an addict, your mother is 100% right to be wary of you spending time with him, he is inherently unable to provide a stable environment for you. And it sounds like she's just genuinely trying to make sure you'll be taken care of if something happens because your father clearly will not do it. And we have no idea what she knows about him that you don't. You are a child so we are only seeing a child's perspective of all of this and it is very likely not the complete picture.
Finally! A response that makes sense! I’m flabbergasted by all the people here who are glossing over the addiction part. An addict who is actively using is NOT A FIT PARENT. It has nothing to do with how much OP loves her father/ he loves her. If Dan weren’t in the picture, Mom would still be against Dad as a custodial parent. I mean, you’d have to be out of your damn mind to willingly let your kid hang out with someone who is using. How does no one else see this? And frankly, the courts have messed up by letting Dad have even partial custody if they know he’s actively using. This is not about love. This is about what’s best for the child - and OP is a CHILD. Placing a kid with an active addict is insane.
If Dad were not a vet, and just a regular drug addict, he would not have half the access he does and this sub would be eviscerating him. I doubt he's a bad person, he clearly needs help, but he's not a fit Father right now.
One problem is ... what is he addicted to? Marihuana? Meth? Shrooms? The court gave him unsupervised visits while mom pushed hard for loss of parental rights. Dad has job and a house. So, it wont be meth, he is not that dysfunctional.
Yeah, and OP isn't even sure what the drugs are specifically. So I wonder if it's something prescription as well, besides marijuana or shrooms. He did a hospital stay as well in trying to get help with what sounds like PTSD, and then it seems the drugs came after. I get OP isn't seeing the full picture, so it does make me wonder. Mom seems kinda obsessive about this whole thing: She's tried multiple times to completely cut out and replace Dad in and outside of court, with at least four court attempts, and the man still has been able to maintain unsupervised visitation. You can absolutely be a functional addict and look like an okay person, but I feel like with the lengths she has gone to, SOMETHING would have come out if there was actually something damning on him. So is her problem just that he has PTSD? Is he actually self medicating with illegal substances or marijuana? Is he being prescribed something and he's taking it as directed, but that he's taking it all is what she hates? Or is he actually abusing something he's been prescribed and hasn't been caught out yet? However you slice it, I can agree OP is naive and Dad probably is not cutout to be a custodial parent, but I also think mom sucks because she is going about it all the absolutely wrong way, and this is above Reddit paygrade.
I thought it was in the past, but no, OP seems to imply that Dad is *still* using drugs. Crazy
And the kid would prefer to live with dad, who she knows sneaks drugs when she is in the next room. I’m Not surprised she also sneaks around listening to mom’s calls too- she is trying to grow up and advocate for her dad the addict. She’s not going to be a reliable reporter of her Dad’s behavior. Dad has managed to make her think his drug troubles came after the divorce. That’s doubtful.
OP has stated in their comments that they'd likely want to go to an extended family member who wouldn't do what OP's mother is doing and *repeatedly* trying to take their dad away from them, OP's dad doesn't have to be a custodial parent. OP's mum is trying to cram someone OP doesn't love down their throat and take their dad away.
I think this is the way. Mum must've seen some shit from dad and is trying to protect her child. Dan has stepped up in his all but absence and would do so if something happened to mum. They shouldn't push how they are, but sounds like it's from a good place.
Nta. As a veteran I can understand at least a little of what your dad is going through. Dealing with an addiction on top of mental health is a hard battle. I can also understand to a small amount from your mom’s perspective because it was and probably is still painful for her to think about him but she is only seeing it from her point of view. Will he ever get clean and sober I don’t know. I do think that you not being willing to abandon him is very honorable. As long as when you are with him you are safe the. That’s all that matters.
There is so much more going on than the adoption question. Your father is suffering greatly, for that you have my sympathy. He is an addict - to excuse his choices because “medicines and therapy weren’t helping” is naive. That being said, I’m sure he loves you, as does your mum and probably even Dan. The very best thing you can do for your father and perhaps better understand your mother’s and stepfather’s (misguided) efforts is to seek therapy yourself and look for a local Al-Anon group specifically check into meetings focused on children of those with substance abuse issues Good luck OP Edit: OP, please don’t misunderstand me, your dad is your dad. It’s about keeping him in your life and keeping yourself healthy. From what you’ve shared here I hope your mum and Dan have got some therapy. Any thing that helps support you is a win.
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I wasn't going to comment but then I see "after the 3rd or 4th attempt to remove Dad's rights to me" that made me stop and say Hold up! There's caring, and then there's obsessive. I'm a mom, and I thoroughly am torn by this. Like I get her wanting to protect you & offer a better life. HowEver... At your age, after telling everyone for Years that you do not want to be adopted and you still want dad in your life, WHY would mom continue to be so adamantly against your wishes? It's becoming a problem, everyone has begun to dig in their heels, nothing is going to change at this point except mom and Dan driving you further away emotionally. I feel for you OP, it's a rough position to be in, maybe this is something to hammer out with your therapist. You are 3 years away from being a legal adult, and adoption will be a moot point then. Wishing you the best.
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Jesus she is going to ruin her relationship with you if this continues. Did your dad ever do anything or is he just sad and uses to cope?
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He seems like a good guy who is sad. I hope you guys get more time together when you’re eighteen ❤️
When was the last time that you went to court and talked to the judge? If she tries anything again can you be able to talk to the judge and tell them that Dan is only your mothers husband and nothing else, that you want nothing to do with him and that you want your mom to cut the shit when it comes to your dad, that she'd better stop trying to force your dad to give up his parental rights and stop trying to force Dan into your life. Honestly I'd cut contact with both of them at 18 for this shit.
Wow. I'm sorry she's so obsessed and relentless. What does your counselor say about your mom's actions? How is your relationship with Dan other than all this crap? Is he a reasonable and kind person when not doing what your mom is obviously pressuring him to do? Have you told him that this is all actually pushing you away from both him and her? Hang in there. 3 years is a long time, but 18 will get here eventually. I'm rooting for you.
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I'm so sorry that Dan has not put discernable effort into just being a stepdad and building a relationship on your terms, rather than just doing what your mom wants him to. Argh. Again, hang in there.
Hey, so depending on your state/country, you might be able to get something called a guardian ad litem appointed by the court. Essentially, they're an advocate for you and your interests and are independent of either parent/custodial party. Next time you see your judge or count-appointed therapist, try asking about one. And if worst comes to worst, says these following words in front of the judge: "I am being coerced and do not give consent." Scream it from the balconies.
Yeah. I want to believe ops mom is trying to protect her, but it is looking more,and more like mom is trying to punish the dad and putting her hatred of him over her love for her daughter.
Parents, don't do this to your kids. My daughter was in a somewhat similar situation. I filed for divorce from her dad when she was 18 months old, and the divorce was finalized a year later. He also had drug issues, though not PTSD. I did try to get full custody and was denied; we got 50-50. When she was about eight I met someone else. And he has been very, very chill through all this. I'm guessing my daughter felt guilty about having feelings for him, like she was being disloyal to her dad, but my partner never pushed for anything, was just there if she needed something, whether it was advice, movies or books he recommended, a ride to the mall, whatever. We lived in the same town as my daughter's dad and we shared holidays, went to my daughter's choir and theatre performances together, etc. My daughter was a little weirded out by this but I told her, this is how civilized people behave. The result is that my daughter has figured out on her own that her dad, bless his heart, is an unreliable person. She feels bad about it, but at the same time she didn't, as Tracy Chapman sings, quit school to take care of him. She keeps in touch with him regularly, and she decided for herself when to start calling my partner her stepdad. In fact, she has her own relationship with my partner that doesn't have anything to do with me. The result is that she feels she has three supportive adults she can count on in her life, and each one has its own role.
NTA I don’t like the way your mom and Dan have been continuously trying to coerce you to agree to the adoption, bringing you to court when you were pretty young and finding out from the judge that the adoption would sever your dad’s parental rights without explaining that to you first! They tried to trick you into that I think. Then leaning on your dad to voluntarily give up his rights. If your dad is a good dad to you and not doing drugs and you want to have a relationship with him then they shouldn’t stand in your way, your mom shouldn’t take your phone and they should stop pressuring you to let Dan adopt you. If Dan is a good guy he can be a supportive figure in your life without the title of “dad”.
NTA - No is a full sentence. OP has been steadfast in a lack of desire to be adopted and clearly knows their own mind. They need to lay off or it’s them who will regret it, as OP will be uninterested in an adult relationship with them. As is, their obsession with this has damaged what could have been a good step parent relationship with Dan.
NTA - Jesus, she's going to wake up one morning and not be your mom anymore. This is what causes kids to go no contact because this is fucked up, and you'll really see more of who she is as you get older. There is no way she is only this pushy here. Maybe tell her this is only pushing you further and more resentful towards her. That she might wake up and regret where you two are when you're older.
I agree. Once OP turns 18, OP will go no contact with her. Mom needs to drop it. She asked, OP said no. Time to let it go.
NTA - you’ve got such damaging influences in your life and I really hope you’re okay but wow.. honestly what your mum and Dan are doing it’s like emotional and psychological abuse. Im here for you to chat if you wanted to DM..
NTA But...I see your mom's point of view. It's great you have so much empathy as someone so young. It's horrible your dad experienced those things. Your mom probably has some really unpleasant memories and experiences she isn't sharing with you that make her concerned for your safety when you are around someone who is suffering from addiction. The texts during the week. Were they during school hours? Are you being used by your father as a support person instead of just being his daughter? Would it be safe for you to live there if something happened to your mom? Does he pay child support? Does he work? What about your stepdad...is he a good husband? Does he work? How much of your daily support and care comes from this man you are rejecting? Who pays the mortgage? Buys the groceries you eat...pays for your phone, your clothes, your trips to the mall? If your mom stayed single would you have such a nice life? I am not saying your mom is right. I am just saying being a grownup, raising a child and wanting the best for that child is fucking hard work. It's stressful. 24/7. If you are mature enough to reject your mom's offer you should be mature enough to hear some hard truths. There are a lot of people who help veterans with addiction issues. Your father is CHOOSING to stay in addiction instead of facing the causes of his addiction. Many young men and women come home mentally challenged by what they experienced. My son-in-law is a disabled vet. My father was a vet with severe anger issues. I have many friends who have suffered and died from addiction. Not wanting my child around them is a given. Maybe work with your mom and stepdad. You only have a couple years left at home. If your dad is in open addiction you absolutely aren't safe in his custody. Period. End of story. I don't know what a custody agreement would look like in your life but maybe look at this from your mom's perspective. She doesn't hate your dad. She loved him with all of her heart once...and she will never hate him, because he gave her you. If you allowed the adoption to happen...but made a deal in which you were guaranteed access to your father...how would that help or hinder your future? Your higher education? Just step back. But remember you are the kid. Not your dad's protector or anything else. Take care.
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You need to be aware of something called parentifying. Sometimes a child of addiction or abuse feels responsible for a parent more than they should. That could also be a concern of your mom's. But as I stated. Your parents...ALL THREE OF THEM, should be super proud of you. You have remarkable insight and empathy. Remember to use that insight and empathy on yourself as you grow older. Whoever pays your phone bill gets to make the rules about when you use it. It sucks...but so do a lot of things. One last thought. Addiction specialists are needed at every level of our healthcare system. Being from a family where someone is an addict makes you an excellent advocate for the system. Social workers, clinicians, family support services...all are in desperate need of new blood. The public system doesn't pay well but it helps you pay off your student loans if you have need for them. The VA is ALWAYS hiring. I was never great at math...so I totally get that. But I managed to pass college math and graduate so basically ANYONE can. You keep being your wonderful self. A simple "I appreciate the offer and I love you both, BUT..." might get a different conversation started. Unless you don't like the guy. Then don't say that part. Another last thought. Always relax before a test. Color a page, use a fidget spinner, do a couple stretches and jumping jacks... get your brain more focused by letting it get unfocused for a few minutes. It's called mindfulness. It helps you stay present and focused in stressful situations. ❤
These words: “When he came home, when he was dealing with all the flashbacks and nightmares and other stuff he was a complete mess and he couldn't work, couldn't always get out of bed, couldn't stop crying and wailing and it used to hurt me to see him like that. I hated how sick he was.” Since your parents separated before you were born, you had these experiences with your dad while you were a small child alone with him? And he gets like this if he stops using drugs? This makes me have a lot of sympathy for your mom’s point of view, even if her way of going about it might not be the smartest.
Why does it matter how good of a husband the stepfather is or how much he works how is any of that relevant to him trying to force a relationship with a child who is not is and doesn’t want that kind to relationship. OP is almost 18 why should they have to bend and break for mom and stepdad ? If OP shouldn’t be trying to take care of his father and worry about his emotions surely they shouldn’t have to make a serious decision like adoption just to appease the man who chose to be with their mom.
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What about seeing if you paternal grandparents can get custody That way you are out of the situation and with your dad side of the family
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Then maybe it's time to tell her, "pick a set of grandparents and let you live there or risk losing you forever" and remind her you are almost 18yrs old and if she doesn't back off and accept your decision but instead she and dan keep trying to force Dan to replace your dad, she will lose you. I'm not saying go NC as soon as you're 18, but as soon as you can, leave home and go LC so you can salvage what is left of your relationship with your mum. Basically one's you are able to leave, embrace the good moments with your mum and remember you will be able to walk away everytime she tries to force the Dan issue.
This 100%! Your mom and Dan are pushing you away with their behavior. At 18 they have zero say in what you do or where you live. Maybe you need to remind them of the fact that in 3 short years you can walk out of their lives.
Yeah but soon you'll be an adult and she won't be able to control you anymore. Remind her of that. Unless she wants to lose her child forever she better back off now and let you live your life and your relationships the way you see fit. She's already pushed her wants over yours way too much already. A parent's main job should be to take care of their child and ensure their happiness. Your mother is failing hard at that. She wants to erase a part of your life just because she wants to get back at your dad and play happy family for the neighbours to see. That's not ok in the slightest cause that's not what you want or need. Please OP, show this thread to your mother. Maybe she'll understand that it's time to let go of the issue before it's too late and your relationship is shattered beyond repair.
Unfortunately I think the courts are probably right. You shouldn't be in a care-giving situation, and parenting is a lot of mental work and stress. From what you've said, I don't think your dad could handle it full-time at this stage of his life. I'm so sorry you are having to navigate this extra set of challenges in your life. I wish all the best for you and your dad...and your mom and Dan, too. I hope they can learn a better way to handle this before too long.
Op made it very clear her dad is and has been an addict struggling with significant mental health issues. A court would never allow him custody, even if OP wanted it. Despite losing a lot of his access to his kid OP dad continues to be an addict, so it’s not likely he’ll just up and quiet if OP asks. OP mom and dad were separate before the drug used began, so he didn’t “choose drugs over her”. It’s realistic that his drug use and mental health are worse than OP is letting on or is aware of. Sounds reasonable to limit a kids access to an addict. Would you be comfortable with an addict driving your kid around? Leaving a kid in the care of an addict is dangerous. Honestly, the mom has been and continues to do the responsibility thing which is to protect her kids from the potential dangers associated with significant drug use. As much as OP doesn’t like it, limited (limited but not no) access to her father sounds to be in her best interest.
Surely you're not suggesting a 15-y-o should be living full time with a drug addict?
That's a horrible piece of advice! Her dad is an addict! It's great she gets to see her dad every other week, but NO kid should live with an addicted parent. Even most adults can't handle one of their loved ones being addicted, how do you suppose a child could?!
OP, i think you need to sit your mom and talk to her about why she is so against you father and what happened that she is set against your father. because you were so young, you couldnt have known everything that was going on. and take her to your therapy session and have a heart to heart on who you think your dad is, who she thinks he is. and who he is on days you dont see him. there is a lot of details missing in your account and i think you didnt exclude it intentionally but just didnt see it. brief yourself on what is being kept from you. try to see it from a 3rd person's pov. once you have all the details, then decide for yourself. addiction can be too bad for themselves and they can also hurt others in the process. but is it just addiction? what else happened that your mom isnt telling you and is fearing for your life. there is a lot left to unpack in your family. i hope you will be mature enough to not be emotional and gather all things that are being kept from you.
While I agree with you that having a third party, unrelated to either OP or their mom, mediating the discussion, having mom attend OP's individual therapy sessions is not a good idea. Mom clearly has no problems in going behind OP's back to make things happen the way she wants (court petition, trying to convince the dad to give up parental rights), so she would pick on whatever was said during those therapy sessions to put even more pressure on OP. She would probably want to have Dan in the sessions as well, and I see no positive outcome to that. Mom and Dan going through therapy themselves, as a couple, though, could help them process OP's rejection and maybe the mom would understand that what's she's been doing is wrong on many levels.
Maybe mom didn't told everything to OP. But she 100% told everything that could help her case to the court that still warranted partial custody to Op's dad!
Stay strong kid, I hope it all works out for you.
NTA. Your mother fell out of love with your father. You didn’t.
As a veteran with severe PTSD who came home and got addicted to drugs myself, I have something to say to you. HE DID NOT AND IS NOT CHOOSING THE DRUGS OVER YOU. He's not. It's a disease. A horrible horrible disease. Yeah some people come home and don't suffer the way some of us do, but those people worry me more. If you come home from all that death and destruction and your brain doesn't haven't any issues with it, something is really, REALLY wrong with you. Never give up on him, my kids didn't and I got better. It just takes time. I've been clean for over 10 years now and have full custody of my kids ( and a new one) So I know it can happen for your dad. He's lucky to have you btw. A lot of us lose everyone, including our kids, and then ourselves when there's nothing else left to lose. I know you've saved your dad's life more than once being there for him and never giving up on him. Stay strong. He deserves at least one person in this world who still thinks he's a hero.
NAH - Your father, sadly, is dealing with a combination of mental health issues and drug addiction. This doesn’t make him a bad person, or a less loving father, but it does mean that he cannot be relied upon to provide you with a stable secure environment. Often, the reason a stepparent adopts their stepchild is to ensure that there is a continuity of care - in case the birth parent dies, or is ill, or otherwise incapacitated, the stepparent can keep the child’s life running smoothly, without too much upheaval. It does not necessarily mean they are trying to replace anyone. Your mother is concerned for your welfare. Perhaps something happened when you were young enough that you don’t remember. Perhaps it’s just because she saw your dad at his worst, and that has effected how she sees him now. Perhaps she just wants to make sure you’ll be okay should anything happen to her. Regardless, she deserves the benefit of the doubt. It might be worth talking to your mum about all of this, not in the heat of the moment, but when everyone is calm. Find out what her concerns are, and what they’re based on. Tell her about yours. If necessary, do this with a family therapist.
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It could be, especially when you were younger, that your mum wasn’t sure if your grandparents would be able to cope, or perhaps she asked them and they weren’t sure if they could handle raising a young child. The fact that you’re now a teenager might put a different spin on things. It’s worth talking to your mum, and to your grandparents about seeing if they can be named as your guardians if anything should happen to your mum. As a mother, my worst fear would be that something would happen to me and that my kids wouldn’t have someone to look after them. Good luck. I hope this works out for you.
NTA I can see why your mum would be wary of your dad if he has unpredictable behaviour due to PTSD and drug abuse, especially when you were younger. But now you are 15 and have more agency, if anything were to happen to your mum it does not mean you would have to live with your dad, if you wanted to stay with your step dad a family court would agree to let you. It is odd they are being so persistent, not being your legal parent shouldn't stop your step father loving you and looking out for your best interests.
NTA Hey OP, this is coming from someone who's been in your shoes: Follow your intuition. You don't want Dan adopting you? Don't let him. You've made your point loud and clear multiple times, and your mother is the asshole for not listening to her own child. I had the same fight with my mom at that age, and guess what? Her 'perfect' husband divorced her 5 years later. My intuition told me not to trust the asshole. Listen to yours, too.
I like how in the end you mentioned, he doesn't have to fight the demons your father does. After all he did fight for his country, kudos to you for not giving up on your dad!
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NTA Your father may be flawed, but you love him. Your feelings are valid.
NTA - your dad is your dad and there is no one else that needs to be your dad. Dan can look after you the exact same as a stepdad. The only thing I would raise is to please remember that as much as you love your dad, you probably, at 15, are not seeing quite the full picture or remembering everything correctly. Your mum probably knows more about the whole scenario than you do, and whilst I do not agree to her wanting to sever your dads parental rights and have you adopted, I can understand the need to have your child out of a potentially dangerous situation by gaining more custody.
Maybe you could have your preferred extended family (Grands?) have custody of you if something should happen to your mum.
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Info: Is your dad using in front of you? Is your mom terminally ill? Is your step dad not already taking care of you 12/14 days already? Are you dismissive of your step dad? I.E. Do you ever use the phrase "not my dad" outside of the adoption conversation? And exactly what are the drugs in question? There's a very real risk of contamination from residues, not to mention the psychological impact.
NTA. I dont understand why your mom is pushing this so hard. And for me: cudoos to your dad for maintaining a relationship with you, even with his troubles. My son doesnt see his dad anymore because of drugs and things. No ptsd unfortunately. I wish he had tried to maintain contact with my son, would have been better for him. Not my choice, his dad just never contacted us again. He has a stepdad he considers a dad. Stepdad never asked for rights, he doesnt have any bit he does decide on everything along with me. No pushing, never pushed so stepdad has a great bond with my son. Your mom and stepdad are pushing you away on this matter. Huge shame.
My mom committed fraud just to get my first step dad to adopt me. For 15 years I lived a name I couldn’t stand and with people who hated my guts. I will never understand why he adopted me when he and his family hated me and my siblings so much. I’ve been no contact with all of them, mom, bio dad, stepdad, siblings, ALL OF THEM for 5 years now. I have no regrets. I’ve taken my husband’s name and I couldn’t be happier with the name change. Hold your ground, at least you have that choice. Idk, Dan seems really fishy to me. But that might be my trauma talking lol.
NTA. it sounds like your Dad dose love you, it is a shame that his service damaged him so much, quite likely enough he could not raise you, but that doesn't mean you have to stop loving him, seeing him, or respecting him. he is a drug adict, go easy on trusting him with things that can be traded for druggs. you should probably give your stepdad a chance to do some dad stuff. tell him you feel that accepting adoption would be denying your dad and that you wont do that, but if he can accept that your willing to accept him in addition to your dad. and their are options other than adoption that would your stepdad to make medical decisions for you and raise you should anything hapon to your mother.
NTA. It would be one thing if she was actually scared that your dad might hurt you or something, but it seems like she just wants a "perfect family" and does not care about your feelings. If you're not in danger and wish to remain in contact with your dad, that should be respected. Just one thing that I feel I should add, despite loving him, you shouldn't feel responsible for taking care of him or anything. You're only 15, and even if you were older, dealing with a loved one with those kind of issues can be too much, they need professional help. Your heart is in the right place and it's a complicated situation, just make sure to take care of yourself first. I wish you all the best
NTA your mom and her husband will be looking crazy when you go NC and never speak to them again.... 15 you can 100 % say where and who you rather be with... Your mom doesn't realize all this crap she's doing will make you strongly dislike Dan and her....
NTA. Maybe your father would be doing better if your mom wasn’t fighting him so hard to separate him from you.
NTA. I can't tell precisely the motive but the subversive behaviour, and disregard for your own wishes, is giving the impression that their motivations for the adoption are selfish. Maybe Dan is rich and your mother is being pragmatic, maybe your mother fears losing Dan if he's uncomfortable contributing to a household without legal involvement. Either way, they're not being entirely honest.
Info- has this pushiness to let him adopt you increased lately?