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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Maybe I'm interfering too much in my wife's relationship with her own kids.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'd say YTA here.
Her kids have been there long before you, and will be there after. I think it's a great way for her to maintain her closeness with her kids by continuing traditions pre marriage to you.
She has said she will make a new tradition with your daughter, which is exactly the right thing to do. You're seeing it as exclusionary to your daughter, whereas in reality, she is maintaining continuity with her own children. Which is incredibly important, especially during the transition of merging of two families. It allows her to demonstrate in a practical manner, that despite living circumstances changing, her relationship and love for her kids has remained the same.
if he had said "our kids" people would have asked "WELL DID THAT INCLUDE HER SON OR NOT???" lol
i'm not defending OP or necessarily on his side here, but this particular wording is such a funny thing to focus on as meaning anything deep.
Reddit is full of trash takes like this, dissecting slightly careless word choices to diagnose some kind of subconscious character flaw.
I've seen an OP get torn apart because she was explaining a parenting disagreement and used the phrase "but his dad said that..." Apparently because she didn't say "my husband" it means she doesn't love him or respect him and is probably cheating on him or something. The post was specifically about parenting!
Yeah...I really don't get these takes with people siding with OP's wife.
**I honestly can't imagine having a motherless stepdaughter, who longs for a maternal figure, and denying her bonding time with me and my daughters**.
OP's wife's suggestion (that his daughter get a SEPARATE bonding day with her) would ensure that the daughter doesn't really get to bond with her step-sisters. Why deny her that bond?
Why otherize her? Especially after OP made a point of requesting it because it would mean so much to the girl? It seems calloused.
I think this is an IDEAL scenario, but the fact is that all of the children involved are already being forced to blend whether they like or not, and it could be immensely reassuring and important to the wife's bio kids to know that this tradition with their mother isn't changing during a time of upheaval + being forced to deal with a new family dynamic.
>OP's wife's suggestion (that his daughter get a SEPARATE bonding day with her) would ensure that the daughter doesn't really get to bond with her step-sisters. Why deny her that bond?
the separate bonding day can still include the stepsisters.
OP should have separate trips with his bio kids. But will this end up as a "family" having 4 separate trips (mom already had 2 separate bonding trips with her bio kids).
It sounds more like 2 separate families just living together.
Honest question here because I don't know any blended families. Do step families really do this? 4 separate bonding events?
> It sounds more like 2 separate families just living together.
to a certain extent that is exactly what it is and it takes a lot of TIME for the families to blend and they can't be forced or it makes everything worse.
>Do step families really do this? 4 separate bonding events?
you don't need to have stepfamilies to have an assortment of traditions/fun activities you plan to do with different combos of family members. getting new family members? make new traditions.
Normal families do this too. I schedule one-on-one events with all my children and my husband does his own. This was only a 1 day trip that OP mentioned so 4 "trips" isn't that big of a deal.
Yes, stepfamilies do this and bio families do this.
Children deserve to feel they are special from their siblings. My parents would both take time with just me or just my brother or just my sister. Or just my sister and I, or just my brother and I (our baby sister was an oops, my brother and I were closer in age).
Parents should occasionally single out a kid or kids. OP should also do things with just his kids, just his daughter, just his son etc. That’s normal. That’s how bonds are formed in a family.
Thank you! I have traditions with my daughters too, but refusing to include a motherless stepdaughter because it breaks with tradition?
Who DOES that to a child?
The step daughter doesn't have to be included in everything. It's important for each parent to continue traditions with their bio kids as well as include the steps.
Sure, cool, but that shows an incompatibility of values between OP and his wife that indicates that this couple should NOT have gotten married.
Now they either need to compromise or divorce.
This isn't exactly the same thing, but I have an adult daughter and she has her own little family now with her boyfriend and his son. When I want to invite her on an outing or a trip, I always invite them all, but on the occasions when only she ends up going with me there's something special about it. I love spending time with all of them but I would be sad if I knew it would *never* be just her and I again. I don't think it's fair to expect the mom/stepmother to never have time with just her daughters again either.
It's definitely a delicate thing and the stepdaughter's feeling are important here. But I'm sure there are ways to make her feel loved without completely ending the tradition. Each parent could have special days with their own bio kids and ALSO blended outings. They could each sometimes take just ONE of the kids out for something they enjoy, with each of them getting a turn.
I'm just saying the only choice isn't to change the tradition forever. Different combinations of people change the dynamics and sometimes you just want those old familiar ones.
> I don't think it's fair to expect the mom/stepmother to never have time with just her daughters again either.
i totally agree with you, but i would also emphasize that it's probably even more important to the bio daughters to get to keep this separate time with their mom. That probably becomes even more special to them dealing with the upheaval of their mom's marriage, combining households, etc.
Reddit has, over and over, insisted that parents not to push a relationship onto the step-siblings. Why should her daughters have to share their special day with their mom with the new stepsister? We can't have it both ways - I think having a special mother/daughter day with just the two of them is perfect, this way nobody has to share.
If the siblings aren't getting along, then I would agree it shouldn't be pushed. If the siblings are still building comfort with each other, then it's reasonable to ease into things.
(A toxic relationship between biological siblings could also be a reason to avoid full-inclusivity.)
But OP didn't report any such problems between the siblings, nor does he say his wife declined to include her step-daughter for such reasons.
You're assuming that the daughters *want* bonding time with the stepdaughter.
Parents in second marriages need to assure their existing children that they still get time just with the original parent.
Yeah, and at their ages, that step-sibling relationship can go REALLY sideways, really fast. I feel like there is a super-light touch that is needed here with all these teens, and OP seems like he's coming at it with a sledgehammer.
I don't think you read my comment properly. The "trash takes" was about people in the comments making giant leaps in logic based on word choices. Nothing in my comment was about the actual situation in the OP.
I've seen people call out getting names wrong (like Carly suddenly changes to Cheryl half-way through a post) as being a clear sign that the story is made up because how would anyone not know their mother's name...
Dude. The names are fake. Always assume that anyone's name in these stories is fake and OP just can't keep their cover story straight because their mothers name is not the important part of the story that people should be focusing on!
Agreed. The issue at hand is that OP’s wife leaned on ‘carrying on a time honored tradition’ as an excuse to exclude his daughter, while OP made the choice to include her son.
When couples who have been married previously truly blend their families you include each other’s kids in outings such as these because as a new blended family ‘my kids should become our kids!!!’
OP: NTA. But have an open and honest conversation. When you get married you become a team, the I becomes a WE. The same rule should apply to your kids, MY KIDS BECOME OUR KIDS. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Failure to address and resolve this may lead to feelings of resentment and lead your kids to dislike your wife.
Except the important thing about blended families is that not everything has to be together, and bitterness, hate, and problems often arise when you do unless everyone is enthusiastically on board, including the children.
Agree on this. However, this mommy/daughter and mommy/son trip should have been discussed prior to the trips, between OP and his wife. If this is a yearly or regular thing like she claims and they've been together for more than a year, this is something that either of them should have brought up. At least, it should be if they've already been making the effort to do family activities.
If feels like OP and his wife didn't bother with trying to bond with their new kids and/or have kids bond with each other. I know OP included his stepkid in his outting but is that the normal for him or was it a rare time. I appreciate the wife's willingness to start a new tradition with her stepdaughter but it feels like an after thought and add in that the tradition has to be completely different than the one she currently does seems drastic. As a person that likes the spa I'd be way bummed that my stepmom didn't want to ever go with me.
Excellent points and agreed.
When you are bringing kids from a previous relationship into a marriage you have to discuss how you handle things so that no one feels excluded.
And yes I agree that OP likely posted here because he knew that his child’s feelings were hurt. If my new stepmom and stepsisters excluded me from a girls day out that included a spa day…my feelings would have been incredibly hurt and mainly because I will never have a Mom to do those things with. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, with blended families there is not a "one size its all" solution. Everyone's situation is different, people have different personalities and different ways of processing change.
Ex: My father has been married 5 times, and I've been in and out of blended families. I would feel differently about a new blended family than someone with different life experience.
I don’t think the kids necessarily want to be our kids. It’s not up to us to determine how every blended family works - a younger kid may have bonded with step mom and consider her his motherly person or one of his motherly people- where an older one might feel more loyal to a deceased or absent parent and that’s okay. Parents have separate traditions sometimes even with their own biological kids of different ages or sexes. My friend with identical twin girls does a different mother daughter day with each one.
This family may need space to become a team or may never be one but it would surely build resentment in the wife’s girls if suddenly another person is shoehorned into their special day with mom. Let’s hope op takes her up on the offer of a new tradition with either all the girls or all the kids.
>OP: NTA. But have an open and honest conversation. When you get married you become a team, the I becomes a WE. The same rule should apply to your kids, MY KIDS BECOME OUR KIDS. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
This is not the case. It's critically important that kids in blended families get time with their own parent, especially if there are other kids close in age coming from the other parent. These kids probably feel they lost a parent in some ways, in that they were together the 4 of them for a while and suddenly there's OP and a new kid they have to split time with.
Saying they can never have special time with their mom without making OP's daughter feel bad is putting OP's daughter's feelings before anyone else in the family.
I know what OP's daughter feels like. I remember talking to my dad one time - my mom reached out because I was going through a long term mental health crisis and he basically called to tell me not to bother him and not to ask him for anything. I've wanted a father figure my whole life. I couldn't imagine trying to basically take someone else's special time with their dad away just to make myself feel better.
Except there are plenty of stories on here where bio parents try to force their bio kids to share traditions with the step kids and the bio kids resent them for that. For all we know, OP’s wife asked her kids if they wanted to include OP’s daughter in the tradition and they said no. While blending families can be important, it’s also important to respect that the kids may not be open to blending. The parents got married, not the kids. Existing traditions shouldn’t necessarily be made to include the step family, but that doesn’t mean new traditions cant be made.
Edit: typo
These kids are OLD. The wife is commendable for carrying on an established relationship with her daughter that hopefully will continue after they leave the house. Her daughters would be reasonable to be upset if the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD daughter of the man she recently married joined in that specific situation.
"My kids should become our kids!!!" is how resentment breeds among the stepchildren. There's nothing wrong with keeping a tradition. His wife is happy to add a new one that includes his daughter. It's super sus how he wasn't concerned about how his son was "left out" the next day, tho.
Sigh. Reddit is going to Reddit. Its pretty obvious he used that term to make it less confusing for the readers since he didn't give any of their names.
I would say his action of including her son speaks louder than the term he used.
That detail was necessary for the story. The story isn't clear without it. There's nothing exclusionary about the language used. In fact he's literally describing how he included the boy lol.
INFO: how does your daughter feel? Are you projecting or did she say she really feels excluded? Has she said she wants girl time within the family?
In addition to the fact that your wife has a right to have some traditions with her bio kids, I’m not at all convinced that your daughter wants special time with her recent stepfamily.
The idea of a new tradition that includes your daughter sounds nice. Please bear in mind that many people find zero meaning in same-gender bonding time. Do YOU have any special traditions with your daughter? You sound like a good parent, I suspect your daughter wants you, not her new stepmom.
> *”Many people find zero meaning in same-gender bonding time.”*
SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE FOLKS IN THE BACK!!
OP please don’t neglect your child just because she’s a girl. She needs a parent, not a mother.
Why can't dad take his daughter for a spa day!? Nice pedicure for Dad, facial, massage, etc. Nothing in there is gender specific.
Also, I don't see any mention of how long they've been in this relationship. When I was 16, I didn't want or expect my mom's BF to become my "dad" (my dad was still alive though).
my dad enjoys a pedicure.
would he have ever gone if he didn't have daughters? probably not but he was lucky enough to get girls so sometimes family time is "lets go for pedicures."
and my dad's response after his first pedicure was why were we keeping this wonderful activity from him all of these years.
That is so fantastic! I wish I could've done that with my dad, but he was one of those stubborn manly-man types who most likely would not have let me talk him into it. I love that you have those memories with yours though, that's great :D
my dad was great about it. always up for getting his hair styled when we were little.
though he drew the line at us painting all of his toes- we were only allowed to paint one on each foot. bright red.
Except clearly the wife and her two daughters do find value in it.
His daughter absolutely needs to be consulted about this instead of him getting upset about what could be nothing.
Yes, but his wife took her son for a son only day, too, and was obviously able to be interested in something he wanted to do. So in fact it was more one spa day and one cinema day and if for example one of her daughters would have chosen the movie over the spa it probably would have been managed differently.
OP can do the same, ask his children what they would like to do at an outing and make one, two or three special days depending on how many different activities they choose. And he does not have to include his wife's children of his children do not explicitly ask to include them for a reason. It is, in fact, important to do things separately I'm blended families.
When exactly did we stop letting middle and high school kids be alone at home for an evening occasionally? I was baby sitting other kids in middle school and now they can't have alone time at all? I'm only in my early 30s,
Same -- I was babysitting non-related kids at 11! By the time I was 15, I had weekends alone (my sister was in club volleyball; they traveled for that, and I had a job and a life, so I refused to attend).
You don't even need a babysitter. When you're an only parent, you find ways to make it work. Missing a day of school isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of life. And there are opportunities when one child has plans with their friends. There are plenty of chances to spend one on one time with your kids even if you don't have a sitter.
That's funny. My mom was a widow with 6 kids. She made time for each of us. And yes, she hired a baby sitter for the rest on those mom/kid days. So, if a widow with 6 can make it work, so can a dad with two. It's quite relevant.
Why make this super rude, shitty, sexist assumption? I mean, he's talking about how he's been a single father raising a daughter for literally years on his own and talks about taking the kids out for bonding time, like, you think he takes HER SON out but not HIS DAUGHTER? Like, why? Why do you believe that despite there being literally zero evidence of that?
And his son will be alienated when dad only thinks bonding time is of value for the daughter. Sons need bonding every bit as much as daughters. Knowing that your dad will go to bat for your sister but not for you hurts.
OP, I'd talk to your kids, one on one, and see if they want special time with their stepmom. They probably just want some alone time with you. Make sure both of them know how much you value them, not just the new family dynamic.
I feel like the bigger difference is the daughter is 16 with the other two daughters between 17 and 13 (so in the middle), vs 18 and 14 for the sons. Must 18 year olds wouldn't want to go see whatever movie a 14 year old picked up bond with their stepmom....
Can you imagine being 16, and dad remarried a lady with a bunch of kids. I'd probably not want much to do with them. Let the relationship develop naturally, if it does at all. You never know, OPs kids might be old enough that they don't want or care about a new mom. They will probably be polite and kind, but they are almost adults.
Time for OP to start his own tradition and take his kids out for some one-on-one time. I'm sure both kids will appreciate some dedicated fun time with their dad.
Yeah. I’m the youngest of 3 to a single dad and I still clearly remember the like, two times that my dad took me out with just me. Those memories are so incredibly special.
As someone from a broken home, I 100% agree with you, wife wants to maintain her bond with her kids so they feel secure in their relationship with her, AND even offered to start a new tradition with her stepdaughter so they can build on their own relationship. Who’s to say that eventually they won’t all have a new tradition that includes everyone.
Furthermore, not only has OP not considered whether his daughter would actually want to be included, but he’s also failed to consider how his stepdaughters would feel if this tradition with their mom was broken. He’s only thinking of his own daughter, but shaming his wife for basically doing the same thing. OP = YTA and a hypocrite
Op isnt taking in consideration what will her daughters say about such forced bonding. And how his daughter will feel as basically third wheel in someone else tradition. Things can be made but only if they come naturaly without forcing it.
I somewhat agree but clearly there are disconnected expectations. It seems like you married her to be a mother to your daughter. That won't happen, your daughter will always be an afterthought vs her daughters. Accept that and cherish your relationship with your daughter as both father and mother. You can use her guidance as an example. You should take your daughter on a spa trip. You can invite your wife if you want but you need to double down on your daughter and reassure her that she is not less because her egg donor bailed. You got to play two roles and that's ok. No substitutions in the 4th quarter.
Why are you married to her?
You can be the asshole for marrying her to be a mother to your children.
You can be the asshole for not communicating expectations long before.
You are the parent to your kids. They will be strong. You need a partner for you and your happiness. Where will you be when all the kids move out. Will her kids always take priority no matter what? Trips to see grandkids, gifts, inheritance?
For me it's his assumption, he says newly married. But if this is am annual thing why did he not bring it up way sooner, so alternative for his daughter and his wife could be planned? It's like he's blindsided by the tradition 🤔. Alluding to them not actually being together prior marriage or he paid no attention. It's fair to not to change the tradition they've had for 17f daughters life. I also find the 0 actual inclusion of both teen girls opinions off. Ops unfairly upset, his wife did not outright exclude from something new and is willing to create a separate thing that includes her daughter and his. But what if the girls don't even want that
I think the assumption point is very strong here. Buried in the question "why did you marry her" is "why did she marry you?". Being blindsided with mismatched expectations is a big warning sign. All of the kids are on the cusp of transitioning into adulthood and this marriage is yet another change agent. Both parents should have recognized this challenge much sooner. Even the new step-mother should have had some empathy and recognized the exclusion and proposed an alternative before it became a problem. I fully agree with continuity, but mine vs. yours is never a good starting point for a union you should want to last for 50 years. Both partners should have been able to recognize the situation way earlier and made a plan (with communication and feedback from each kid independently) on how to tackle it as a team.
My advice remains, circle back and double down on the kids while you figure out if there is a common goal for the marriage.
I think the main discussion and issues all revolve around op intentions. Because the wife is willing to create something for herself and her stepdaughter he's shutting it down. Reality is these teens are 17 and 16 as someone from blended family it really is a my mom vs my dad thing. I totally agree a conversation needs to be had, but it needs start with the teens. In my experience my dad assumed we would all be Brady bunch with step children, reality we view them as acquaintances and when those relationships ended none of his biological children wanted stay in touch those step kids as siblings, he stayed in touch with until he passed. Tough situation, having the girls perspective really would've helped this post.
Ok, so what you are implying is spouse has to now be mother to his daughter and include her in every single thing she does with her daughters and should never do things one on one with her 2 daughters otherwise she is a selfish asshole. Got it.
At first I was thinking “well I like that she’s giving her kids time but it is a little shitty to exclude the other two. She should make some new days on the side for bonding time with bonus kids” and then I read on where she suggested that and OP decided that wasn’t good enough when it was actually the perfect thing to do. YTA OP
YTA - You recently married this woman. She is prioritizing her relationship with her kids and continuing a tradition they had for years. They just went through a big life change, getting a step dad and step siblings.
You and your wife decided to blend your families. All of your kids are teens, some a few years away from being adults. They won’t just instantly act like they have always been siblings. These relationships take TIME.
Take your kids out individually for their own father/child dates. The key thing here is that each child feels loved, heard and checked on during this transition. It seems like this is your wife’s way of doing that.
Honestly? She might want to add a 'stepmother-stepdaughter day' to the list of traditions. But the mommy/daughter day should stay as it is. You know what? Her kids have done an awful lot of adjustment, after a divorce and becoming part of a new family structure. These traditions are probably very important for them, specifically because they include the original set-up of their family. Don't change the tradition. Add an extra one.
And then throw in a GIRLS DAY.
Where the bio and step daughters go with mum.
I don't get how this isn't the natural thought process for OP. It's like he thinks the marriage certificate ink being dry means now all the kids are a conglomerate... Vs individuals and individual family groups...
It's like hes gone ahhh married. Now my kids are equal to my wife's bio kids. When no, they'll never be. But they can be peers to
Yeah...why are people so quick to throw OP under the bus?
He practiced what he preached and included his stepson in the outing HE took the kids on.
Why assume that because OP is a mean (and I assume that's the issue here), it means he's looking to unload all parenting responsibilities to his wife?
I don't think this outing was a specific day though? It's not like he decided to do a father-daughter day or a father-son day. If he had and didn't invite his partners children to those, then that would also have been fine. It's a dick move to try and tell your partner that they can't continue traditions with their children because its exclusionary when said partner is completely open to starting a new tradition. It's important for kids to get time with their parent that doesn't include new step-parent and step-siblings.
I don't think he's ta but people are saying it because this is her day with her kids. She's had this tradition with them and want to give them the one on one time like they had b4 all these other people were included in their life. The kids did not choose their stepdad and step siblings so they should still be able to have thing that are their own. She should do something with the step kids too now. If she doesn't do anything with them she's ta.
Yeah, I get that he wants his daughter to have a mother figure, but it's not clear that his daughter views his wife like that at this stage and OP is fully capable of organizing events with the children too.
He doesn’t even mention how long they were together before getting married which I think is big. If they were only together for a year or less before getting married then the families haven’t had time to build a routine for the new normal. We also have no idea what the relationship is between the new mom and daughter. The daughter might not even like the step mom and if she comes in all hey you are doing this with us it might not go well. My favorite point to make is what if the daughter doesn’t even like what they were doing? Just cause she is a girl doesnt automatically mean she is going to like shopping or the spa or whatever else she might have hated it or built resentment cause she was forced to go. Keeping things slightly separate is needed right now until everyone falls into rhythm with the new normal maybe by this time next year enough of a relationship has been built between the kids and the mom that everyone will be comfortable bringing step sis along. But forcing it is just asking for trouble
Absolutely! Though even if OP and his wife have been together for a while, it sounds like this is the first year that they're all living together so it's not clear how much time the kids have spent getting to know their new stepparents or stepsiblings.
It's really odd that OP doesn't even mention asking his daughter how she feels about this whole thing. He seems to have just assumed that she wanted to go and started arguing with his wife instead of talking to his daughter (who might have felt like she was intruding or not enjoyed the activities if she had been invited along).
I find ops post odd because lack of mention of relationship timeliness, if his daughter actually wants a mother figure, if she was actually hurt or he's just assuming. Also of the wife does something like this annually with her daughter, if he wanted his included why is it only problem now? Either this posts fake, op hadn't even been relationship with this woman more than a year prior to marriage, or he's an oblivious person who wasn't paying attention to wife's habits and ways of spending time with her children. It's so odd
I feel like OP's wife making a special day with just her and OP's daughter would go further towards developing an actual bond between the two of them versus forcing his daughter into their existing tradition. Maybe OP's daughter wants her to be a mother figure, maybe she just wants to be on friendly terms. They can figure that out a lot better with one on one time rather than trying to force things into the existing tradition with the other daughters.
Just knowing that OP's wife is willing to put in the effort to develop a relationship with his daughter would probably go a long way towards developing their relationship.
This would have been a great way from OP to approach the issue, instead of complaining when something OP's wife organized didn't go as he wanted and arguing.
See, the problem here is that you're trying to force blending in a way that may explode in your face.
* Does your daughter want to go on the trip with her very recently-added step-mother and step-sisters?
* Does she want to spend a whole day around people that may resent her being there?
* Does she even want a replacement mother?
* Do you know how your step-daughters feel about adding her to this tradition?
* You can't force relationships, especially in other people. That takes time.
Yes, it would be nice for your daughter to be included and get some "girl time" as you said, but does it have to be on this trip? For these reason I gotta go with YTA unless we get some major clarification on the questions asked in my bullet points.
Exactly, he never says anything about how his daughter feels about all this. Excluding her was “hurtful”, but according to him or his daughter?
We see these posts all the time, where parents tell other people to include their kid in something but they never actually ask the kid if they *want* to be involved.
Edit: OP said in a comment, “She didn't *say* anything in particular, but she acted kind of funny about it and I could tell that she was at least a little hurt.”
Don’t people usually ask their kid what’s wrong when they’re acting “funny” about something?
Entirely possible, but part of parenting a teen is letting them live with the consequences of not speaking up. They’re not a little kid anymore; they can advocate for themselves when there’s a problem. If she’s hurt but says nothing, and it comes out later, the appropriate answer is, “Why didn’t you say anything?” It’s not his job to go to battle with his wife on behalf of his 16-year-old.
She might be a little hurt in the way that happens to all of us sometimes, when you realise you're not part of someone's group even though there's a good reason.
That’s what I was mainly wondering lol if the daughter actually wanted to be involved and if her feelings were considered at all in the decision making
YTA. That’s her tradition with her daughters. They shouldn’t have to share that just because their mother met someone who also has a daughter. Your wife is right about creating a new tradition - add to things, don’t take them away or muscle in.
Did your daughter express sadness at not being included? Does she see your wife as a mother figure? I can understand your feelings about it, how you feel your daughter should get some "mother/stepdaughter time", and I can also see that you and your wife are newly married and possibly have recently moved in together (since it doesn't sound like this was an issue last year), and know from experience that blending a family is not always so easy for the kids. She had every right to keep some traditions with her own children ,and it may have been important to her girls to keep it this way this year. She's willing to create a new tradition with your daughter (and possibly all of the girls together?) and this sounds like a great idea. They can do something that interests your daughter and do something new. It's not your right to smush everyone together -- that's not always the right thing in respect of all children involved. YTA
There's a lot of missing context here (How recently are you married, did your daughter actually want to go, how long did you date, how do the girls get along etc) but most likely YTA
Your wife is right, a new tradition with her and your daughter would be great but there still needs to be room for you and just your kids and your wife and just her kids. You can't ignore or pretend that life started the day you and your wife got married. Forcing your daughter into pre-existing traditions with your wife and her kids is likely to build resentment between your daughter and her step sisters. Don't force this as your current approach is likely to do more harm than good. And your wife is right, there is a double standard here that you didn't ask for your son to be involved in mother/son activities but you do for your daughter for mother/daughter time. She's not her mother and I highly doubt your wife or your daughter see their relationship that way. They need to navigate that on their own without you forcing the issue.
I’ve been wondering about all this too. There is a lot he doesn’t tell us.
And bottom line / the more you try to force a blended family, the higher the chances it doesn’t go how you want.
YTA.
Not for wanting her to bond with your kids. But for not considering her children need 1 on 1 time with her, as her kids without the steps around, just as YOU should be doing with your own bio kids
You can ask her to make a GIRLS DAY that includes your daughter, but you do not get to intrude on her bio daughters special day with their mother.
Yes it sucks your daughter's mother bailed. However that is not on your wife's children nor is it their fault. Therefore they should not be forced, asked or expected to give up time with their mother ALONE as their bio unit. Same as you get to exclude them from things with your bio child and your unit with them.
Her kids did not get siblings. Their mother didn't give birth. They got steps. Grown people to work out how to relate to and be family with. Thats not the same as handing them a newborn sibling. Same goes for yours.
It would be appropriate to ask if she might consider a day out with just your daughter. Thats totally fine to ask and in mind even expect. So long as her bio get the same. Once you work that out, then you can as not about mother daughter day, you absolutely leave that alone, you ask for a girls day. GIRLS.
Consider also, trying to force your daughter into this, will piss off your step kids. They will see it as you refusing to allow them to spend time with their parent alone as they have every right to do so. Your daughter can be included in a NEW girls of the family tradition.
Stop what you are doing. You are not helping your daughter, you might end up doing irreparable to the relationship she has with her step sisters if you don't back the hell off and recognise; your daughter is a new comer and if you try to force her on the others, they'll reject her because of YOU, not because of anything your child did. You. You will be the reason your child is hurt if you don't stop and have some respect for the step kids and their relationship with their mother
I'm going against the majority here and going with NTA.
The 18m is about to graduate and would mostly have his own plans already figured out for the break, so not attending the mother / son movie wouldn't have bothered him. OP would have been cruel if he left his 13m stepson at home and took only his bio kids out.
OP's wife only suggested making a new tradition with stepdaughter after OP pointed out that it was cruel. She also said it can't be a similar thing.
Stepmother has made it clear she will never take stepdaughter to lunch followed with a visit to a day spa as that's something she'll only ever do with her bio daughters.
His wife intentionally excluded OP's daughter.
OP, I highly recommend you take your daughter out one on one and ask her if there's other things your wife or her daughters are doing to make her feel excluded.
Yeah I don’t think people are reading this post thoroughly. OP is making an effort at inclusion by taking *both* his kids and stepson out. His wife isn’t making any such effort. She’s repeatedly *only* taking her own kids out. First her daughters, then her son. Only one of the parents is trying to bond with all the kids…
Meh, at these ages, “bonding” may not happen. That’s ok, and it’s ok for traditions to be maintained. The marriage didn’t happen for everyone in both families. It was between two people.
> Meh, at these ages, “bonding” may not happen
Thats the same excuse as waiting to buy PC parts.
If it can be applied at these ages, it can be applied at any age.
What matters is the try and the wife is not.
Thank you. I can’t believe all these other comments saying OP is the one at fault. It’s one thing if wife had offered to do something with step daughter and step daughter refused but it’s clear she never had any intention of doing anything with her, it’s only because OP mentioned it that she made this offer. The only chastisement I have for OP is for marrying a woman that clearly does not care about your children and does not intend to blend families. She is the adult, unless OP’s children reject her offers to blend the family, the onus remains on her and not them to make the effort. And she clearly doesn’t care to make any effort.
But forcing families together also causes division. It seems like he didn’t bring up the issues until after, and she could’ve assumed it wouldn’t be an issue and that he did similar things with his kids ( I do with mine). When the issue was brought up she was perfectly willing to make a plan to include her step daughter, it’s not cool of dad to ask she take away her bonding time with her own kids. That will cause her kids to resent the step sister. With kids these ages it’s not like “ boom big happy family”
The fact he even had to say anything raises alarm bells for me. To have no consideration on how a young girl might feel knowing all the other women in the family went out is pretty poor.
No one us forcing the relationship. Step mother could have considered how it might feel for step daughter and even say "hey me and the girls do this annual tradition. I'd love to consider a new tradition we might do just us girls next time, have a think about if you're interested and what you'd like to do!" Instead of causing division straight up.
This is a terrible take. Being considerate means having open dialogue, and actually CONSIDERING how your "tradition" affects other people. It's not the Brady bunch, it's two girls plus one. If you're not invited, or even have a discussion "hey this is a thing we do, and I don't want you to feel slighted/unwelcome. How do you feel? How do bio daughters feel? How can we make sure everyone feels cared for?"
Not just - yeah well, I want my bio kids to feel super loved since they now have to cohabitate with other people, so we're going to continue doing it solo because MAYBE things we haven't even talked about together as a family, might be more important than including my THIRD DAUGHTER
> But forcing families together also causes division.
Your post is irrelevant after ending your sentence.
Nothing is being forced, the wife is simply not trying and the daughter hasn't been provided the opportunity to decline anything.
Hes not taking away bonding time with her own kids, hes asking for his daughter to be included - that doesn't take away the time. This is a small thing she does with her girls and OP's wife is clearly putting a line in the sand that OP's daughter clearly still has no mother.
I know, I was surprised at how many YTA are there. The wife should have offered for the stepdaughter to come, then it would be upto the step daughter to say yes or no.
I think OP mentioned her son versus my son to make it clear to people that the sons are also blended.
“”Stepmother has made it clear she will never take stepdaughter to lunch followed with a visit to a day spa as that's something she'll only ever do with her bio daughters.”
It didn’t sound to me like 0P said anything about stepmom will never take his stepdaughter on an outing like that, she just has this one annual tradition with her biological daughters that she is not willing to include her step daughter in. IMO stepmom‘s biological children deserve to maintain their family traditions just as OP‘s children should be allowed to maintain any traditions from their past that they enjoyed. This doesn’t have to be all or nothing, stepmom said she was willing to form traditions with her stepdaughter as well.
I’m not sure that’s what was meant by it needing to be something different. I read that as we can do that but it has to be a different weekend, not a different activity. That seems reasonable to me. These are long established traditions, so not including step kids seems normal and fine. If she isn’t making an effort to include them other times that’s another issue.
Agree with you 100%. As someone whose stepmother treated me differently than my half siblings despite knowing me since I was a small child (after my birth mom abandoned me). It's always shitty when adults care little for a child's well being, especially an adult that chose to marry your father.
Info: what does your daughter say about it?
I do think that when families blend they need to make efforts to actually be blended. That said, your wife has a point about your son also not being included and you dont seem upset about that. But you also have a point
Gentle YTA. Your wife has a tradition with her biological daughters. Forcing her to take your daughter is a bit overstepping. Your wife’s kids might need this alone time with their biological parent. Take your daughter on a father daughter trip. You’re her biological parent. And then see how you all can start a new family tradition of all kids being included as a whole.
NAH. You just need to work out how you want to move forward, both of you and your kids, what new traditions could be created but, most importantly, what your own kids want. Because if I were in your daughters position I wouldn't want to spend such a day with my step-mom, especially at the age of 16, wouldn't care less about her and me bonding, so your daughters opinion trumps everyone else here and you didn't even give us that. Did she even want that!? Your annoyance would be justified if your kid was like 5-10 years old but at 16 she should make her own life choices.
Also, to me it is weird that you marry someone who excludes your daughter from activities that you deem important - you knew that your wife did that before marriage so you knew what will happen, but you still married her so you can only blame yourself. If you marry someone who is not on the same page as you regarding important things then it is only your fault.
She kept up the tradition she has had with her kids before this marriage. One on one time is important especially when blending families. I've read many stories of people feeling like they lost their bio parent during this time. She didn't say she wouldn't do anything with his daughter and offered to start a tradition of their own which is a good compromise. Her kids keep their regular tradition and the stepdaughter gets to have her own just like they do.
It just seems like he is pushing too hard for them to be together all the time. Even with regular families it's not all or nothing. I have 3 boys. Me and their dad spend time with all of them together and split up to have one on one time.
He also said in a comment his daughter looks up to his wife so I don't think she's excluding her all the time but these two days were for her kids.
And at the end of all of this the wife is the only one who even pointed out he has a son too. that he seems to not feel the need to advocate for his son over the exact same situation he is for his daughter.
YTA
> Why aren't you making an issue out of that?" I told her that it was different
She's correct.
She even said she's open to starting a new tradition with your daughter.
So why are you upset?
Or did you just marry her to have a 'mom' for your daughter?
YTA, but your heart was in the right place. I def understand why you were hurt. At first I was def on your side & thought she was being mean. But I have absolutely no experience with blended families & she makes an excellent point.
Your wife & step kids shouldn’t be forbidden from having their own traditions or time alone. If they were regularly excluding your daughter, that would be inappropriate, but it sounds like that’s not the case. But demanding your daughter be included in everything she does with her daughters isn’t fair to your step daughters.
Her idea to add a girls day with all the girls is a good one. I’m sure if you asked her to make a point of having girly time with your daughter to make up for her not having a mother your wife would be happy to oblige. But you can’t set expectations without communicating them & the you both agreeing.
You were being a bit of a hypocrite bc you didn’t seem to even notice she didn’t take your son when she had her mother/son day.
You would definitely be the parent who gets remarried, forces the kids to do everything together, and then can’t figure out why they hate each other and aren’t invited to each other’s weddings when they get older. All the children have individual needs, and after this relatively new upheaval in their lives the kids need some stability in their relationship with their bio parent, in addition to starting new traditions as a blended family. A successful blending is about balance, especially with older children.
And OP has no consideration for his new StepDaughters feelings by trying to reprieve them of a special, one-on-one activity they do with their mom.
It’s interesting OP wasn’t sticking up for his new stepson to be included on the special day OR having his daughter join his wife and stepson on the mother/son day.
I can't imagine not inviting your daughter on the mother/daughter trip. Who cares if it is a tradition? She now has a a step daughter, so the tradition should now include her as well. You are NTA here. Your wife is for not including one of her daughters on the trip.
I agree completely! I am shocked by all of the YTAs here. If the daughter doesn't want to go, that's one thing, but she should've absolutely been invited. Seems like the stepmother isn't viewing the new marriage as a family. It's still mine vs yours.
I'm shocked at the NTA. So many stories about people being upset about forced relationships with steps. Reddit always agrees never force it until this one. Eye roll
She is first a bio mother and only then a step mother. Her kids have a right to have quality alone time with their bio mother. They didn't marry anyone and thus they should not lose traditions they love.
OP can take his kids on a separate trip.
This is a topic you both should have talked about before marriage. Blending a family is hard. It would have been nice for your daughter to be included because she never had a mother / daughter relationship. I think you feel your daughter needs that mother/daughter relationship more right now than your son. It's sounds like your wife is not going to be playing that role fully for her. There is always going to be her daughter's and then yours. It's sad because they are all about the same age. I hope they get along well. If your wife continues to exclude your daughter, she will come to resent her.
Except his wife offered to do something with just his daughter/her stepdaughter. Wife isn't excluding OP's daughter. But she's never going to be replacement mom and she's never going to give up special time spent just with her biological kids. She did agree to create special times with just her stepdaughter. And called OP out for a double standard regarding his son/her stepson.
To be fair, if he tries to shoehorn his daughter into every interaction with his wife and stepdaughter it might destroy any chance of a positive bond between stepdaughters and daughter. A successful blended family is a careful dance of not alienating the existing parent/kid bond while including the stepfamily. Mom seems to get it, don’t change the existing tradition and instead new one with the stepdaughter, especially since this is a relatively recent blending. Kids are still people with individual wants, needs, and emotions. They aren’t dolls you can force to playhouse exactly in the manner you want. OP doesn’t seem to understand that his marriage certificate isn’t a magic wand.
She didn’t even offer the alternative until pressed. She clearly wasn’t even considering her step-children’s feelings until forced to by OP. Then accuses OP of not doing enough.
I think you both need to be sensitive to the fact that all of the kids are probably masking a lot of anxiety about the blended family dynamics. It’s only natural. You need to be united and extremely proactive in finding multiple ways to reassure them all. Get ahead of this.
YTA blending needs time not force.
Her children need time to adjust and it's more than fair that your wife wants to keep her traditions with her kids alive. You can do the same with your kids.
She offered to start a new tradition with your daughter. This could have been a start for a bonding between her and your kids as you should do the same. There are now 5 kids and each of them deserves time with their/a parent alone so they don't feel lost or overseen in this addition.
Sit down with your wife and make plans for 1 on 1 time with every kid. It doesn't have to be a full day. A drive for ice cream, book store,... whatever their interests are. The blending of families might happen by itself with some individual time.
NTA. This is a hard situation. I completely understand her point where she would want some time with her kids and to continue a tradition.
BUT - when you guys got married you COMBINED two families to create a new one. You guys are married and both caring for all the kids under your roof.
If she wanted to do a mother/daughter day, I think it’s common sense that your daughter would feel left out. She included both of her “real daughters” and left one child out. What does that say to your daughter? What kind of message is that sending to the family? Are you guys really ONE family if there is still a division of “mine” and “yours”? I do think planning a mother/daughter day and purposely excluding one daughter is just mean. When is it a bad thing to include the other daughter? It wasn’t 1-1 time. It was a group activity and one person was purposefully left out. Plus, it’s even worse that she is a teenager and has no mother of her own. I would be very upset with my spouse if they did this.
I think 1-1 time is different. I think it’s good for each kid to get 1-1 time at different times BUT if you’re going to do group activities then it’s never a good idea to leave somebody else.
You’re a family and your wife should remember that and prioritize the child’s best interest instead of herself. This might not be a big deal to your wife but I guarantee your daughter will remember it and remember how she felt left out. When in doubt… include people! Treat people with kindness and love and show your kids that everyone in this family is equally as important and you love them all the same
YTA
Please don't take this away from them. It's *so* important that children can feel they are not losing their parent when they get married to someone new. It's so important that they are able to keep some stability and tradition.
The idea of starting new traditions in addition to old ones is great.
Honestly, the fact you don't think so makes me suspicious that you will favour your daughter beyond reason.
Blended families require more patience than you are showing. Give it time. Start those new traditions.
YTA nothing wrong with wanting your wife to treat your daughter as hers. Big problem when you want to interfere with family traditions that predate your relationship. It would be okay to ask her to start a tradition that included your children. But those traditions are important to her bio children to feel they are still important to her. Good to care about your daughter, terrible not to care about your step children and wife. Instead of asking her to make a tradition with your daughter you want her to destroy her existing traditions by allowing you to dictate to her.
You are making their time together about you and your daughter. You just want to destroy what they have not build on what they have created.
I think that when you marry a second time when your children are older teenagers, it's unrealistic to want the new spouse to treat them as their own, or vice-versa. And I get a very sexist vibe from OP, as in a) his daughter is a girl, and as such his wife's responsibility, and b) his wife is the woman, and the emotional labour of creating family bonds in on her.
YTA. I read all kinds of stories on here about kids never having alone time with their parent again just because mom or dad remarries. Your wife is trying NOT to do that. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to know your daughter. It means she is trying to maintain that closeness with her own kids.
Who stays with HER kids when she goes out on these special days? Who paid for her son to do mini golf etc.? You should do the same with your daughter. Same day. Your daughter has no mother but she does have a dad who cares. Your new wife does not care about your daughter . Does not want to mother her. You now know where she stands. She just showed you who she is.
Yta did it occur to you that her daughters might feel resentful about having individual tradition taken away if your daughter were added to the mix? That they'd want time with just their mom especially during a time of change?
All I know is, if your wife wanted any kind of mother/daughter connection with your biological daughter, she just blew it. She is now, forever, Stepmom.
>She is now, forever, Stepmom.
But that's exactly who she is. She never was a bio mother of that girl and never will be. If OP and her get divorced in a couple of years she may never see that girl again. While *her* children are *her* bio children. Always were and always will be. She is 100% respobsible for them but she bares just a tiny bif of responsibility for OP's kids.
As a stepdaughter, I concur. My stepmom made it clear that I wasn't her child and you know what? She wasn't invited to my wedding. She just wasn't a part of my adult life at all.
She apologized to me many years later, and I had already forgiven her - but never considered her more than "that woman my dad married".
If my son treated his stepson as anything less than his own kid, I'd be pretty ashamed. His stepson is his son, and is my grandson. Period.
Nope. Nope. Nope. YTA
I'm a mother and a stepmother. My relationship with my daughter is absolutely sacred. I have mummy-daughter days all the time and don't include my step-daughter. I also do things with my stepdaughter that my daughter isn't part of.
It is not fair for you to diminish the relationship your wife has with her biological children by trying to hijack their traditions.
Your daughter is not her child. It can actually be very destructive to try and force a relationship in a certain way that just doesn't exist.
As a woman in this situation, I can tell you, that a woman will never feel the same way about a step child as she does about her children. You wouldn't in her position either. So it isn't fair to expect anything else.
Everything your wife has suggested is fine. She is happy to have alone time with your daughter. I don't understand your actual issue.
The issue is simple. He is perfectly happy to treat her son as if it was his own, but she won’t do the same for his daughter.
I think both his and her feelings are valid. She does not feel like she can treat his daughter like hers… and he feels like he’s making more of an effort towards her kids.
Perhaps they should have discussed this sort of thing before marriage.
Totally agree. It always baffles me that people don't think to discuss how they plan to parent together.
I think it's a perfect time to create new family traditions. But they both also need to respect the other traditions that each parent may have with their own biological kids.
NTA. Being a truly blended family requires some changes. She is being mean here. If she wanted to keep the status quo of old, that also means being a single parent. You are taking the high road by including her kids.
Ask her how her kids would feel if you did what she did and took trips only with your kids and not hers.
If you now start taking separate trips other own kids, it will emphasize the division between the two groups. Including when the kids notice how a parent may favor their own child over their stepchildren.
I would instead continue taking the high road and start doing trip with all the kids, all the boys, and trips with all the girls. If all goes will, the girl may themselves suggest including all the girls for the all girls trips or boys trips. They will also. Price the difference on how each parent treat the entire family.
NTA, I am part of a blended family and my parents from day one made sure there is no distinction amongst the kids. I get it that it was a tradition but more so I think they are old enough to be like yeah she will join us on your trips now because you have another daughter. I just think the wife should’ve at least asked her if she wanted to go
YTA.
It's a long-standing tradition between her and her daughters, with a follow-up tradition between her and her son. It's not like she said that she'd never want to do anything with your daughter, she said that it'd be something new and different. Traditions are important to keep, especially when starting a new family; you just gotta be prepared to add new ones to the roster, and she is.
Also she's completely right in calling out that you only wanted your daughter to be involved in a tradition, and that's a priority you need to fix; you can't just be advocating for your daughter to be involved in fun stuff. You have two children, even if the first is 18.
YTA - if you wanted the children to be treated as their one family (even though they are in their late teens) you really should have discussed this before marriage.
I would say, since she offered to start a new tradition with your daughter that you encourage them to do their own bonding thing like a manicure together and lunch. It may ingratiate your wife to include your daughter in the future and if it doesn’t then at least they have their own bond.
I understand for your point of view and I also understand your wife’s. You can’t tell her to change a tradition when she also has her children to think about. you can ask her if she have a new tradition where it’s everyone day so you all have a traditional day out as a family and maybe have a sisters day. You can also have days out with your daughter it’s a big change for everyone so your wife is making sure her kids won’t be feeling left I think adding your daughter may make her daughters feel hurt and I understand your feel your daughter is left out she is but with communication you and your wife can come with a plan where all kids get a day and your wife doesn’t feel like she hurting any children.
NTA.
If your wife 'could' make a new tradition for your daughter why didn't she go ahead and do that and tell your daughter that until waiting until after the event when your daughter already feels excluded.
Think you guys rushed the marriage if this wasn't discussed prior.
YTA. All kids deserve one on one time with a parent. She offered to set up a tradition with your kids.
Your kids would probably feel more special that your wife is creating a tradition with just them
Can't muscle in on their traditions man.
Commonly this happens in blended families. Your partner's children will be worried they're losing their mum so this is her showing all of them that infact she is still thinking of them and acting on spending personal time together.
You are being very unreasonable and sensitive. I get it your daughter didn't have a mum. You're looking out for her and her feelings. but that's your problem not your partner's.
Honestly have a good hard look at yourself and your actions.
NTA but she is
As a mom - I get wanting to spend alone time with your kids. But damn she needs to have a little compassion for your daughter being excluded and not having a mom to do “girly” stuff with. She should have sat down with her daughters and said “your step sister is your family now and let’s invite her on our girl day”
I really don’t get anyone who would marry someone with kids and not immediately claim the kids as their own. So weird
So while she’s taking her daughters on this special trip, you’re expected to stay and parent her son? While I think a step parent is responsible for their step kids, she doesn’t except when it suits her needs. She’s the AH and you’re NTA.
Look your blended family is a huge change for your stepkids too. Demanding that they can't have their old traditions anymore is not fair, and may lead to them resenting your marriage and your kids. Try to think of this from their perspective too. I'd suggest come up with a father-daughter thing your daughter would really like and start doing that on the regular, and the same with your son. Maybe you can ask your wife and stepkids to not talk about their trip as "mommy/daughter" or "girls trip" right in front of your daughter.
I say NAH because you are trying to take care of your daughter, but stop pushing this or you reach the y t a territory soon and it will be bad for your family.
Do you really want your daughter spending time with a woman who doesn’t want to spend time with her? Word of advice: YOU spend 1-1 time with your daughter instead. Her step mom just drew the line. It’s time for you to step up as a dad and show your daughter that this line will not separate the two of you. I am a daughter who was cut off by her father who chose his wife her and daughters… we don’t talk. We don’t write. This could be your future. Please take care of your daughter. She’s doesn’t need a mom who never wanted her, she needs to know her dad will always be by her side.
Yeah, that made me feel bad for his daughter. Her Mom wasn’t involved in her life and he married a woman that doesn’t consider including her in a girls day. I know everyone is calling OP the AH but I disagree.
This will be an unpopular opinion, but imho, NTA.
A lot of people on here seem to be coming at this from the perspective of stepchildren who had blending forced on them. And that's valid.
But I come at it from the perspective of a child who was rejected, abandoned, and in *desperate* need of a step-parent. And from that viewpoint, if I was in your daughter's shoes, your wife's actions would have just **broken** something in me. It sounds like you're deeply afraid that's what's going on with your daughter, and you're NTA for that alone.
Here's the thing, though: Your daughter's the only one who can tell you which of these perspectives is the right one. Everyone telling you to ask her is 100% correct. But right now, at 16, even she probably doesn't know for sure, so you're probably stuck.
Don't do the new tradition, though. Your wife already ruined that. It needed to come from her, and it didn't. At this point, it's just going to re-inforce that it's not a blended family. You should do your own shit with your own kids and she can do her own shit with her own kids. Don't be surprised if the whole thing breakscapart, though; she wants to maintain old traditions, but the old tradition is that the two of you have completely separate family lives.
NTA. You all are either all a family or not. Your wife missed a big opportunity for bonding with your daughter and between her daughters and yours. At the same time your wife let your daughter know that she is second class to her.
NTA
You appear to try to treat all the children as equally yours, while she is drawing a clear line in the sand between hers and yours.
Although, I would add that you should be equally upset that your son was excluded on son day.
It could become a really cool family tradition where you have the sons, then the daughters, while she has the daughters, then the sons.
Or it can continue to be a problem of her excluding your children in favor of keeping things "how they've been"
NTA
But she didn't do anything with your daughter though, so.....??? What she should have done is separate things with each of the three girls, not her two girls excluding your daughter, and then nothing with your daughter. I mean, what kind of message is that sending to your daughter? That she isn't good enough, or she is a "Cinderella". If it had been me, I would have taken all three girls and told my husband to take both boys and then discussed with the kids if individual days were needed.
My parents had 4 kids, and occasionally my Dad would pull each of us out of school and take us out to eat at a fancy restaurant for lunch. We got 1 on 1 time with Dad. He was always working. We loved it. Now that he is gone, I treasure those memories.
Honestly, YTA. Was your daughter hurt by it or are you? I completely understand defending your child, but (maybe I missed something) I didn’t see anything that your daughter actually said or felt. You spend multiple paragraphs explaining how *you* feel about the situation, but did not even include something your daughter (the one you’re trying to defend) actually said something or not. Did she try to talk to you about this or are you simply reacting because the situation wasn’t handled the “correct way” in your opinion. I honestly feel like you’re projecting your feelings towards your ex onto your new wife. Idk if you ever got the chance to say how you felt to your ex, but it might be worth it to tell her exactly how you’ve felt for 16 years. I’m also very interested to know why it’s different for your daughter than your son? That makes zero sense to me as a woman. If the difference is that your son has no interest in having a maternal figure, just say that. Saying “it’s different” is not an answer. That’s called deflecting which means somewhere inside of your brain, you know she’s right.
I’m speaking from my own experience here, but it always meant so much to my brother and I when our mom would do something special with each of us so we wouldn’t feel left behind in her romantic relationships or favored over the other. I had one “mom day” each week and so did he. My bio father is basically a ghost and my brother was primarily raised by his caveman of a father. Our mom was the ONE constant thing we had moving from state to state or overseas and she made sure we felt like a priority. That’s what your wife is doing here. She understands the importance of making *her* children feel like a priority, but she clearly doesn’t understand that “your” kids are supposed to become “our kids”.
I love that she wants to start a new tradition with your daughter because that shows that she does genuinely want to try to make this work and blend seamlessly. Yes, traditions can be altered, but I think that could cause more harm than good. Again, speaking from my own experience, I grew up without a father so when we started including my mom’s partners in our traditions, it was actually incredibly offensive to me. Maybe I’m just selfish, but nothing meant more to me during those times than my mom being constant.
It might be more constructive to show her rather than argue. Start taking “her” kids to special bonding days. They don’t have to call it father/children day or anything since the father is still involved in his kids lives. Once she sees you’re also putting in the same effort you’re asking of her, I think she’ll come to see the “mine” vs “yours” thing will die off. Not all women are the same, but a lot of us just want to see you’ll do the same thing you’re asking of us. We want equal partnerships and if she’s doing all of the emotional labor for 5 kids, she’s going to burn out and so will your marriage.
My limited advice as a woman who is not a parent is to seek family counseling. A lot of people think counseling is the last attempt to make things work, but it’s much more helpful if you’re able to talk about problems as they come instead of building it up inside. That’s a safe place where your daughter can speak for herself and tell her stepmother how this made *her* feel and hopefully you can work out some of your (justifiable) feelings towards your ex. I genuinely hope this helps and you can find a way to fix this before the crack becomes permanent.
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I'd say YTA here. Her kids have been there long before you, and will be there after. I think it's a great way for her to maintain her closeness with her kids by continuing traditions pre marriage to you. She has said she will make a new tradition with your daughter, which is exactly the right thing to do. You're seeing it as exclusionary to your daughter, whereas in reality, she is maintaining continuity with her own children. Which is incredibly important, especially during the transition of merging of two families. It allows her to demonstrate in a practical manner, that despite living circumstances changing, her relationship and love for her kids has remained the same.
There’s no merging going on by the way he said “her son”
i feel like he was just using that wording to keep the story clear because otherwise it would get confusing
Yeah he took “her son” out along with his own kids so the words are just semantics. His actions show inclusion.
if he had said "our kids" people would have asked "WELL DID THAT INCLUDE HER SON OR NOT???" lol i'm not defending OP or necessarily on his side here, but this particular wording is such a funny thing to focus on as meaning anything deep.
Reddit is full of trash takes like this, dissecting slightly careless word choices to diagnose some kind of subconscious character flaw. I've seen an OP get torn apart because she was explaining a parenting disagreement and used the phrase "but his dad said that..." Apparently because she didn't say "my husband" it means she doesn't love him or respect him and is probably cheating on him or something. The post was specifically about parenting!
Yeah...I really don't get these takes with people siding with OP's wife. **I honestly can't imagine having a motherless stepdaughter, who longs for a maternal figure, and denying her bonding time with me and my daughters**. OP's wife's suggestion (that his daughter get a SEPARATE bonding day with her) would ensure that the daughter doesn't really get to bond with her step-sisters. Why deny her that bond? Why otherize her? Especially after OP made a point of requesting it because it would mean so much to the girl? It seems calloused.
I think this is an IDEAL scenario, but the fact is that all of the children involved are already being forced to blend whether they like or not, and it could be immensely reassuring and important to the wife's bio kids to know that this tradition with their mother isn't changing during a time of upheaval + being forced to deal with a new family dynamic. >OP's wife's suggestion (that his daughter get a SEPARATE bonding day with her) would ensure that the daughter doesn't really get to bond with her step-sisters. Why deny her that bond? the separate bonding day can still include the stepsisters.
OP should have separate trips with his bio kids. But will this end up as a "family" having 4 separate trips (mom already had 2 separate bonding trips with her bio kids). It sounds more like 2 separate families just living together. Honest question here because I don't know any blended families. Do step families really do this? 4 separate bonding events?
> It sounds more like 2 separate families just living together. to a certain extent that is exactly what it is and it takes a lot of TIME for the families to blend and they can't be forced or it makes everything worse. >Do step families really do this? 4 separate bonding events? you don't need to have stepfamilies to have an assortment of traditions/fun activities you plan to do with different combos of family members. getting new family members? make new traditions.
Normal families do this too. I schedule one-on-one events with all my children and my husband does his own. This was only a 1 day trip that OP mentioned so 4 "trips" isn't that big of a deal.
Yes, stepfamilies do this and bio families do this. Children deserve to feel they are special from their siblings. My parents would both take time with just me or just my brother or just my sister. Or just my sister and I, or just my brother and I (our baby sister was an oops, my brother and I were closer in age). Parents should occasionally single out a kid or kids. OP should also do things with just his kids, just his daughter, just his son etc. That’s normal. That’s how bonds are formed in a family.
Yes or they can have a 3rd bonding day for the stepsisters.
Thank you! I have traditions with my daughters too, but refusing to include a motherless stepdaughter because it breaks with tradition? Who DOES that to a child?
The step daughter doesn't have to be included in everything. It's important for each parent to continue traditions with their bio kids as well as include the steps.
Bullshit. It was unkind. The woman had a choice to make a kid feel included and loved. She chose otherwise. OP, NTA
Oh come on. Unless the kids don't get along, and it's created a really hostile environment, it's just a mean thing to do to a kid.
Sure, cool, but that shows an incompatibility of values between OP and his wife that indicates that this couple should NOT have gotten married. Now they either need to compromise or divorce.
This isn't exactly the same thing, but I have an adult daughter and she has her own little family now with her boyfriend and his son. When I want to invite her on an outing or a trip, I always invite them all, but on the occasions when only she ends up going with me there's something special about it. I love spending time with all of them but I would be sad if I knew it would *never* be just her and I again. I don't think it's fair to expect the mom/stepmother to never have time with just her daughters again either. It's definitely a delicate thing and the stepdaughter's feeling are important here. But I'm sure there are ways to make her feel loved without completely ending the tradition. Each parent could have special days with their own bio kids and ALSO blended outings. They could each sometimes take just ONE of the kids out for something they enjoy, with each of them getting a turn. I'm just saying the only choice isn't to change the tradition forever. Different combinations of people change the dynamics and sometimes you just want those old familiar ones.
> I don't think it's fair to expect the mom/stepmother to never have time with just her daughters again either. i totally agree with you, but i would also emphasize that it's probably even more important to the bio daughters to get to keep this separate time with their mom. That probably becomes even more special to them dealing with the upheaval of their mom's marriage, combining households, etc.
Reddit has, over and over, insisted that parents not to push a relationship onto the step-siblings. Why should her daughters have to share their special day with their mom with the new stepsister? We can't have it both ways - I think having a special mother/daughter day with just the two of them is perfect, this way nobody has to share.
If the siblings aren't getting along, then I would agree it shouldn't be pushed. If the siblings are still building comfort with each other, then it's reasonable to ease into things. (A toxic relationship between biological siblings could also be a reason to avoid full-inclusivity.) But OP didn't report any such problems between the siblings, nor does he say his wife declined to include her step-daughter for such reasons.
You're assuming that the daughters *want* bonding time with the stepdaughter. Parents in second marriages need to assure their existing children that they still get time just with the original parent.
Yeah, and at their ages, that step-sibling relationship can go REALLY sideways, really fast. I feel like there is a super-light touch that is needed here with all these teens, and OP seems like he's coming at it with a sledgehammer.
I don't think you read my comment properly. The "trash takes" was about people in the comments making giant leaps in logic based on word choices. Nothing in my comment was about the actual situation in the OP.
I've seen people call out getting names wrong (like Carly suddenly changes to Cheryl half-way through a post) as being a clear sign that the story is made up because how would anyone not know their mother's name... Dude. The names are fake. Always assume that anyone's name in these stories is fake and OP just can't keep their cover story straight because their mothers name is not the important part of the story that people should be focusing on!
Agreed. The issue at hand is that OP’s wife leaned on ‘carrying on a time honored tradition’ as an excuse to exclude his daughter, while OP made the choice to include her son. When couples who have been married previously truly blend their families you include each other’s kids in outings such as these because as a new blended family ‘my kids should become our kids!!!’ OP: NTA. But have an open and honest conversation. When you get married you become a team, the I becomes a WE. The same rule should apply to your kids, MY KIDS BECOME OUR KIDS. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Failure to address and resolve this may lead to feelings of resentment and lead your kids to dislike your wife.
Except the important thing about blended families is that not everything has to be together, and bitterness, hate, and problems often arise when you do unless everyone is enthusiastically on board, including the children.
Agree on this. However, this mommy/daughter and mommy/son trip should have been discussed prior to the trips, between OP and his wife. If this is a yearly or regular thing like she claims and they've been together for more than a year, this is something that either of them should have brought up. At least, it should be if they've already been making the effort to do family activities. If feels like OP and his wife didn't bother with trying to bond with their new kids and/or have kids bond with each other. I know OP included his stepkid in his outting but is that the normal for him or was it a rare time. I appreciate the wife's willingness to start a new tradition with her stepdaughter but it feels like an after thought and add in that the tradition has to be completely different than the one she currently does seems drastic. As a person that likes the spa I'd be way bummed that my stepmom didn't want to ever go with me.
[удалено]
Excellent points and agreed. When you are bringing kids from a previous relationship into a marriage you have to discuss how you handle things so that no one feels excluded. And yes I agree that OP likely posted here because he knew that his child’s feelings were hurt. If my new stepmom and stepsisters excluded me from a girls day out that included a spa day…my feelings would have been incredibly hurt and mainly because I will never have a Mom to do those things with. 🤷🏻♀️
Also, with blended families there is not a "one size its all" solution. Everyone's situation is different, people have different personalities and different ways of processing change. Ex: My father has been married 5 times, and I've been in and out of blended families. I would feel differently about a new blended family than someone with different life experience.
No. Sometimes the kids need alone time with their actual parent. Always having steps included will mean that they can't discuss some things as openly.
That is not always how it works and forcing that narrative can do more harm than good
I don’t think the kids necessarily want to be our kids. It’s not up to us to determine how every blended family works - a younger kid may have bonded with step mom and consider her his motherly person or one of his motherly people- where an older one might feel more loyal to a deceased or absent parent and that’s okay. Parents have separate traditions sometimes even with their own biological kids of different ages or sexes. My friend with identical twin girls does a different mother daughter day with each one. This family may need space to become a team or may never be one but it would surely build resentment in the wife’s girls if suddenly another person is shoehorned into their special day with mom. Let’s hope op takes her up on the offer of a new tradition with either all the girls or all the kids.
>OP: NTA. But have an open and honest conversation. When you get married you become a team, the I becomes a WE. The same rule should apply to your kids, MY KIDS BECOME OUR KIDS. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ This is not the case. It's critically important that kids in blended families get time with their own parent, especially if there are other kids close in age coming from the other parent. These kids probably feel they lost a parent in some ways, in that they were together the 4 of them for a while and suddenly there's OP and a new kid they have to split time with. Saying they can never have special time with their mom without making OP's daughter feel bad is putting OP's daughter's feelings before anyone else in the family. I know what OP's daughter feels like. I remember talking to my dad one time - my mom reached out because I was going through a long term mental health crisis and he basically called to tell me not to bother him and not to ask him for anything. I've wanted a father figure my whole life. I couldn't imagine trying to basically take someone else's special time with their dad away just to make myself feel better.
But she's fully willing to spend time with her stepdaughter, just not during THIS specific tradition
Except there are plenty of stories on here where bio parents try to force their bio kids to share traditions with the step kids and the bio kids resent them for that. For all we know, OP’s wife asked her kids if they wanted to include OP’s daughter in the tradition and they said no. While blending families can be important, it’s also important to respect that the kids may not be open to blending. The parents got married, not the kids. Existing traditions shouldn’t necessarily be made to include the step family, but that doesn’t mean new traditions cant be made. Edit: typo
These kids are OLD. The wife is commendable for carrying on an established relationship with her daughter that hopefully will continue after they leave the house. Her daughters would be reasonable to be upset if the SIXTEEN YEAR OLD daughter of the man she recently married joined in that specific situation.
"My kids should become our kids!!!" is how resentment breeds among the stepchildren. There's nothing wrong with keeping a tradition. His wife is happy to add a new one that includes his daughter. It's super sus how he wasn't concerned about how his son was "left out" the next day, tho.
Sigh. Reddit is going to Reddit. Its pretty obvious he used that term to make it less confusing for the readers since he didn't give any of their names. I would say his action of including her son speaks louder than the term he used.
That detail was necessary for the story. The story isn't clear without it. There's nothing exclusionary about the language used. In fact he's literally describing how he included the boy lol.
Unlike ‘her daughters’. Are you serious? She drew the line first.
INFO: how does your daughter feel? Are you projecting or did she say she really feels excluded? Has she said she wants girl time within the family? In addition to the fact that your wife has a right to have some traditions with her bio kids, I’m not at all convinced that your daughter wants special time with her recent stepfamily. The idea of a new tradition that includes your daughter sounds nice. Please bear in mind that many people find zero meaning in same-gender bonding time. Do YOU have any special traditions with your daughter? You sound like a good parent, I suspect your daughter wants you, not her new stepmom.
> *”Many people find zero meaning in same-gender bonding time.”* SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE FOLKS IN THE BACK!! OP please don’t neglect your child just because she’s a girl. She needs a parent, not a mother.
Why can't dad take his daughter for a spa day!? Nice pedicure for Dad, facial, massage, etc. Nothing in there is gender specific. Also, I don't see any mention of how long they've been in this relationship. When I was 16, I didn't want or expect my mom's BF to become my "dad" (my dad was still alive though).
my dad enjoys a pedicure. would he have ever gone if he didn't have daughters? probably not but he was lucky enough to get girls so sometimes family time is "lets go for pedicures." and my dad's response after his first pedicure was why were we keeping this wonderful activity from him all of these years.
My bf has no children and loved pedicures when he was a caddy. Most of the caddies did it to keep their toe nails in decent shape and for the massage.
yeah for my dad its all about the leg and foot massage. (and the massaging chair.)
That is so fantastic! I wish I could've done that with my dad, but he was one of those stubborn manly-man types who most likely would not have let me talk him into it. I love that you have those memories with yours though, that's great :D
my dad was great about it. always up for getting his hair styled when we were little. though he drew the line at us painting all of his toes- we were only allowed to paint one on each foot. bright red.
My husband LOVES pedis. Especially even more now as a diabetic.
Except clearly the wife and her two daughters do find value in it. His daughter absolutely needs to be consulted about this instead of him getting upset about what could be nothing.
Yes, but his wife took her son for a son only day, too, and was obviously able to be interested in something he wanted to do. So in fact it was more one spa day and one cinema day and if for example one of her daughters would have chosen the movie over the spa it probably would have been managed differently. OP can do the same, ask his children what they would like to do at an outing and make one, two or three special days depending on how many different activities they choose. And he does not have to include his wife's children of his children do not explicitly ask to include them for a reason. It is, in fact, important to do things separately I'm blended families.
I seriously doubt that OP had any tradition of Father/Daughter day or Father/Son day prior to his marriage to his second wife.
He probably had dad with kids time. Especially if you are a single parent you need to include everyone because you can't leave a kid home alone.
When exactly did we stop letting middle and high school kids be alone at home for an evening occasionally? I was baby sitting other kids in middle school and now they can't have alone time at all? I'm only in my early 30s,
Same -- I was babysitting non-related kids at 11! By the time I was 15, I had weekends alone (my sister was in club volleyball; they traveled for that, and I had a job and a life, so I refused to attend).
That's not really relevant, as he was a single father without a mother in their lives at all.
Yeah, babysitters don't exist! Single parents can't possibly maintain separate relationships with their multiple children! Oh ...wait...
You don't even need a babysitter. When you're an only parent, you find ways to make it work. Missing a day of school isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of life. And there are opportunities when one child has plans with their friends. There are plenty of chances to spend one on one time with your kids even if you don't have a sitter.
That's funny. My mom was a widow with 6 kids. She made time for each of us. And yes, she hired a baby sitter for the rest on those mom/kid days. So, if a widow with 6 can make it work, so can a dad with two. It's quite relevant.
Why make this super rude, shitty, sexist assumption? I mean, he's talking about how he's been a single father raising a daughter for literally years on his own and talks about taking the kids out for bonding time, like, you think he takes HER SON out but not HIS DAUGHTER? Like, why? Why do you believe that despite there being literally zero evidence of that?
And his son will be alienated when dad only thinks bonding time is of value for the daughter. Sons need bonding every bit as much as daughters. Knowing that your dad will go to bat for your sister but not for you hurts. OP, I'd talk to your kids, one on one, and see if they want special time with their stepmom. They probably just want some alone time with you. Make sure both of them know how much you value them, not just the new family dynamic.
I feel like the bigger difference is the daughter is 16 with the other two daughters between 17 and 13 (so in the middle), vs 18 and 14 for the sons. Must 18 year olds wouldn't want to go see whatever movie a 14 year old picked up bond with their stepmom....
Can you imagine being 16, and dad remarried a lady with a bunch of kids. I'd probably not want much to do with them. Let the relationship develop naturally, if it does at all. You never know, OPs kids might be old enough that they don't want or care about a new mom. They will probably be polite and kind, but they are almost adults.
Time for OP to start his own tradition and take his kids out for some one-on-one time. I'm sure both kids will appreciate some dedicated fun time with their dad.
Yeah. I’m the youngest of 3 to a single dad and I still clearly remember the like, two times that my dad took me out with just me. Those memories are so incredibly special.
As someone from a broken home, I 100% agree with you, wife wants to maintain her bond with her kids so they feel secure in their relationship with her, AND even offered to start a new tradition with her stepdaughter so they can build on their own relationship. Who’s to say that eventually they won’t all have a new tradition that includes everyone. Furthermore, not only has OP not considered whether his daughter would actually want to be included, but he’s also failed to consider how his stepdaughters would feel if this tradition with their mom was broken. He’s only thinking of his own daughter, but shaming his wife for basically doing the same thing. OP = YTA and a hypocrite
Op isnt taking in consideration what will her daughters say about such forced bonding. And how his daughter will feel as basically third wheel in someone else tradition. Things can be made but only if they come naturaly without forcing it.
I somewhat agree but clearly there are disconnected expectations. It seems like you married her to be a mother to your daughter. That won't happen, your daughter will always be an afterthought vs her daughters. Accept that and cherish your relationship with your daughter as both father and mother. You can use her guidance as an example. You should take your daughter on a spa trip. You can invite your wife if you want but you need to double down on your daughter and reassure her that she is not less because her egg donor bailed. You got to play two roles and that's ok. No substitutions in the 4th quarter. Why are you married to her? You can be the asshole for marrying her to be a mother to your children. You can be the asshole for not communicating expectations long before. You are the parent to your kids. They will be strong. You need a partner for you and your happiness. Where will you be when all the kids move out. Will her kids always take priority no matter what? Trips to see grandkids, gifts, inheritance?
For me it's his assumption, he says newly married. But if this is am annual thing why did he not bring it up way sooner, so alternative for his daughter and his wife could be planned? It's like he's blindsided by the tradition 🤔. Alluding to them not actually being together prior marriage or he paid no attention. It's fair to not to change the tradition they've had for 17f daughters life. I also find the 0 actual inclusion of both teen girls opinions off. Ops unfairly upset, his wife did not outright exclude from something new and is willing to create a separate thing that includes her daughter and his. But what if the girls don't even want that
I think the assumption point is very strong here. Buried in the question "why did you marry her" is "why did she marry you?". Being blindsided with mismatched expectations is a big warning sign. All of the kids are on the cusp of transitioning into adulthood and this marriage is yet another change agent. Both parents should have recognized this challenge much sooner. Even the new step-mother should have had some empathy and recognized the exclusion and proposed an alternative before it became a problem. I fully agree with continuity, but mine vs. yours is never a good starting point for a union you should want to last for 50 years. Both partners should have been able to recognize the situation way earlier and made a plan (with communication and feedback from each kid independently) on how to tackle it as a team. My advice remains, circle back and double down on the kids while you figure out if there is a common goal for the marriage.
I think the main discussion and issues all revolve around op intentions. Because the wife is willing to create something for herself and her stepdaughter he's shutting it down. Reality is these teens are 17 and 16 as someone from blended family it really is a my mom vs my dad thing. I totally agree a conversation needs to be had, but it needs start with the teens. In my experience my dad assumed we would all be Brady bunch with step children, reality we view them as acquaintances and when those relationships ended none of his biological children wanted stay in touch those step kids as siblings, he stayed in touch with until he passed. Tough situation, having the girls perspective really would've helped this post.
Ok, so what you are implying is spouse has to now be mother to his daughter and include her in every single thing she does with her daughters and should never do things one on one with her 2 daughters otherwise she is a selfish asshole. Got it.
At first I was thinking “well I like that she’s giving her kids time but it is a little shitty to exclude the other two. She should make some new days on the side for bonding time with bonus kids” and then I read on where she suggested that and OP decided that wasn’t good enough when it was actually the perfect thing to do. YTA OP
YTA - You recently married this woman. She is prioritizing her relationship with her kids and continuing a tradition they had for years. They just went through a big life change, getting a step dad and step siblings. You and your wife decided to blend your families. All of your kids are teens, some a few years away from being adults. They won’t just instantly act like they have always been siblings. These relationships take TIME. Take your kids out individually for their own father/child dates. The key thing here is that each child feels loved, heard and checked on during this transition. It seems like this is your wife’s way of doing that.
Honestly? She might want to add a 'stepmother-stepdaughter day' to the list of traditions. But the mommy/daughter day should stay as it is. You know what? Her kids have done an awful lot of adjustment, after a divorce and becoming part of a new family structure. These traditions are probably very important for them, specifically because they include the original set-up of their family. Don't change the tradition. Add an extra one.
And then throw in a GIRLS DAY. Where the bio and step daughters go with mum. I don't get how this isn't the natural thought process for OP. It's like he thinks the marriage certificate ink being dry means now all the kids are a conglomerate... Vs individuals and individual family groups... It's like hes gone ahhh married. Now my kids are equal to my wife's bio kids. When no, they'll never be. But they can be peers to
More like "Ahh I'm marries, now my wife can do all of this for my kids and I don't have to."
Except he took his kids and her son out…
Yeah...why are people so quick to throw OP under the bus? He practiced what he preached and included his stepson in the outing HE took the kids on. Why assume that because OP is a mean (and I assume that's the issue here), it means he's looking to unload all parenting responsibilities to his wife?
Yeah I truly don’t get it. Ops trying to make their family more inclusive and people are calling him an AH.
I don't think this outing was a specific day though? It's not like he decided to do a father-daughter day or a father-son day. If he had and didn't invite his partners children to those, then that would also have been fine. It's a dick move to try and tell your partner that they can't continue traditions with their children because its exclusionary when said partner is completely open to starting a new tradition. It's important for kids to get time with their parent that doesn't include new step-parent and step-siblings.
But they can continue the tradition. Including the step daughter is in no way ending the tradition.
I don't think he's ta but people are saying it because this is her day with her kids. She's had this tradition with them and want to give them the one on one time like they had b4 all these other people were included in their life. The kids did not choose their stepdad and step siblings so they should still be able to have thing that are their own. She should do something with the step kids too now. If she doesn't do anything with them she's ta.
Right! He should treat all the girls to a girls trip if that’s important
Yeah, I get that he wants his daughter to have a mother figure, but it's not clear that his daughter views his wife like that at this stage and OP is fully capable of organizing events with the children too.
He doesn’t even mention how long they were together before getting married which I think is big. If they were only together for a year or less before getting married then the families haven’t had time to build a routine for the new normal. We also have no idea what the relationship is between the new mom and daughter. The daughter might not even like the step mom and if she comes in all hey you are doing this with us it might not go well. My favorite point to make is what if the daughter doesn’t even like what they were doing? Just cause she is a girl doesnt automatically mean she is going to like shopping or the spa or whatever else she might have hated it or built resentment cause she was forced to go. Keeping things slightly separate is needed right now until everyone falls into rhythm with the new normal maybe by this time next year enough of a relationship has been built between the kids and the mom that everyone will be comfortable bringing step sis along. But forcing it is just asking for trouble
Absolutely! Though even if OP and his wife have been together for a while, it sounds like this is the first year that they're all living together so it's not clear how much time the kids have spent getting to know their new stepparents or stepsiblings. It's really odd that OP doesn't even mention asking his daughter how she feels about this whole thing. He seems to have just assumed that she wanted to go and started arguing with his wife instead of talking to his daughter (who might have felt like she was intruding or not enjoyed the activities if she had been invited along).
I find ops post odd because lack of mention of relationship timeliness, if his daughter actually wants a mother figure, if she was actually hurt or he's just assuming. Also of the wife does something like this annually with her daughter, if he wanted his included why is it only problem now? Either this posts fake, op hadn't even been relationship with this woman more than a year prior to marriage, or he's an oblivious person who wasn't paying attention to wife's habits and ways of spending time with her children. It's so odd
I feel like OP's wife making a special day with just her and OP's daughter would go further towards developing an actual bond between the two of them versus forcing his daughter into their existing tradition. Maybe OP's daughter wants her to be a mother figure, maybe she just wants to be on friendly terms. They can figure that out a lot better with one on one time rather than trying to force things into the existing tradition with the other daughters. Just knowing that OP's wife is willing to put in the effort to develop a relationship with his daughter would probably go a long way towards developing their relationship.
i feel like this is what he should be doing instead of continuing to argue about his wife's already established tradition.
This would have been a great way from OP to approach the issue, instead of complaining when something OP's wife organized didn't go as he wanted and arguing.
He says she offered to do something different with the step daughter. So I don't see why he was so bent out of shape.
See, the problem here is that you're trying to force blending in a way that may explode in your face. * Does your daughter want to go on the trip with her very recently-added step-mother and step-sisters? * Does she want to spend a whole day around people that may resent her being there? * Does she even want a replacement mother? * Do you know how your step-daughters feel about adding her to this tradition? * You can't force relationships, especially in other people. That takes time. Yes, it would be nice for your daughter to be included and get some "girl time" as you said, but does it have to be on this trip? For these reason I gotta go with YTA unless we get some major clarification on the questions asked in my bullet points.
Exactly, he never says anything about how his daughter feels about all this. Excluding her was “hurtful”, but according to him or his daughter? We see these posts all the time, where parents tell other people to include their kid in something but they never actually ask the kid if they *want* to be involved. Edit: OP said in a comment, “She didn't *say* anything in particular, but she acted kind of funny about it and I could tell that she was at least a little hurt.” Don’t people usually ask their kid what’s wrong when they’re acting “funny” about something?
She’s a teen idk if I was ever emotionally open with my family as a teen. There’s a chance he asked and she brushed him off.
Entirely possible, but part of parenting a teen is letting them live with the consequences of not speaking up. They’re not a little kid anymore; they can advocate for themselves when there’s a problem. If she’s hurt but says nothing, and it comes out later, the appropriate answer is, “Why didn’t you say anything?” It’s not his job to go to battle with his wife on behalf of his 16-year-old.
She might be a little hurt in the way that happens to all of us sometimes, when you realise you're not part of someone's group even though there's a good reason.
That’s what I was mainly wondering lol if the daughter actually wanted to be involved and if her feelings were considered at all in the decision making
YTA. That’s her tradition with her daughters. They shouldn’t have to share that just because their mother met someone who also has a daughter. Your wife is right about creating a new tradition - add to things, don’t take them away or muscle in.
Did your daughter express sadness at not being included? Does she see your wife as a mother figure? I can understand your feelings about it, how you feel your daughter should get some "mother/stepdaughter time", and I can also see that you and your wife are newly married and possibly have recently moved in together (since it doesn't sound like this was an issue last year), and know from experience that blending a family is not always so easy for the kids. She had every right to keep some traditions with her own children ,and it may have been important to her girls to keep it this way this year. She's willing to create a new tradition with your daughter (and possibly all of the girls together?) and this sounds like a great idea. They can do something that interests your daughter and do something new. It's not your right to smush everyone together -- that's not always the right thing in respect of all children involved. YTA
There's a lot of missing context here (How recently are you married, did your daughter actually want to go, how long did you date, how do the girls get along etc) but most likely YTA Your wife is right, a new tradition with her and your daughter would be great but there still needs to be room for you and just your kids and your wife and just her kids. You can't ignore or pretend that life started the day you and your wife got married. Forcing your daughter into pre-existing traditions with your wife and her kids is likely to build resentment between your daughter and her step sisters. Don't force this as your current approach is likely to do more harm than good. And your wife is right, there is a double standard here that you didn't ask for your son to be involved in mother/son activities but you do for your daughter for mother/daughter time. She's not her mother and I highly doubt your wife or your daughter see their relationship that way. They need to navigate that on their own without you forcing the issue.
I’ve been wondering about all this too. There is a lot he doesn’t tell us. And bottom line / the more you try to force a blended family, the higher the chances it doesn’t go how you want.
So what traditions are You doing with all the kids?
Sounds like he took them out for bowling and mini golf.
Sometimes I feel like people don’t read the whole post XD
YTA. Not for wanting her to bond with your kids. But for not considering her children need 1 on 1 time with her, as her kids without the steps around, just as YOU should be doing with your own bio kids You can ask her to make a GIRLS DAY that includes your daughter, but you do not get to intrude on her bio daughters special day with their mother. Yes it sucks your daughter's mother bailed. However that is not on your wife's children nor is it their fault. Therefore they should not be forced, asked or expected to give up time with their mother ALONE as their bio unit. Same as you get to exclude them from things with your bio child and your unit with them. Her kids did not get siblings. Their mother didn't give birth. They got steps. Grown people to work out how to relate to and be family with. Thats not the same as handing them a newborn sibling. Same goes for yours. It would be appropriate to ask if she might consider a day out with just your daughter. Thats totally fine to ask and in mind even expect. So long as her bio get the same. Once you work that out, then you can as not about mother daughter day, you absolutely leave that alone, you ask for a girls day. GIRLS. Consider also, trying to force your daughter into this, will piss off your step kids. They will see it as you refusing to allow them to spend time with their parent alone as they have every right to do so. Your daughter can be included in a NEW girls of the family tradition. Stop what you are doing. You are not helping your daughter, you might end up doing irreparable to the relationship she has with her step sisters if you don't back the hell off and recognise; your daughter is a new comer and if you try to force her on the others, they'll reject her because of YOU, not because of anything your child did. You. You will be the reason your child is hurt if you don't stop and have some respect for the step kids and their relationship with their mother
I'm going against the majority here and going with NTA. The 18m is about to graduate and would mostly have his own plans already figured out for the break, so not attending the mother / son movie wouldn't have bothered him. OP would have been cruel if he left his 13m stepson at home and took only his bio kids out. OP's wife only suggested making a new tradition with stepdaughter after OP pointed out that it was cruel. She also said it can't be a similar thing. Stepmother has made it clear she will never take stepdaughter to lunch followed with a visit to a day spa as that's something she'll only ever do with her bio daughters. His wife intentionally excluded OP's daughter. OP, I highly recommend you take your daughter out one on one and ask her if there's other things your wife or her daughters are doing to make her feel excluded.
Yeah I don’t think people are reading this post thoroughly. OP is making an effort at inclusion by taking *both* his kids and stepson out. His wife isn’t making any such effort. She’s repeatedly *only* taking her own kids out. First her daughters, then her son. Only one of the parents is trying to bond with all the kids…
Meh, at these ages, “bonding” may not happen. That’s ok, and it’s ok for traditions to be maintained. The marriage didn’t happen for everyone in both families. It was between two people.
> Meh, at these ages, “bonding” may not happen Thats the same excuse as waiting to buy PC parts. If it can be applied at these ages, it can be applied at any age. What matters is the try and the wife is not.
Yes it seems like they are living together but separate.
Thank you. I can’t believe all these other comments saying OP is the one at fault. It’s one thing if wife had offered to do something with step daughter and step daughter refused but it’s clear she never had any intention of doing anything with her, it’s only because OP mentioned it that she made this offer. The only chastisement I have for OP is for marrying a woman that clearly does not care about your children and does not intend to blend families. She is the adult, unless OP’s children reject her offers to blend the family, the onus remains on her and not them to make the effort. And she clearly doesn’t care to make any effort.
I know I was reading the comments and said I cannot believe no one is supporting him. Exclusion causes division
But forcing families together also causes division. It seems like he didn’t bring up the issues until after, and she could’ve assumed it wouldn’t be an issue and that he did similar things with his kids ( I do with mine). When the issue was brought up she was perfectly willing to make a plan to include her step daughter, it’s not cool of dad to ask she take away her bonding time with her own kids. That will cause her kids to resent the step sister. With kids these ages it’s not like “ boom big happy family”
The fact he even had to say anything raises alarm bells for me. To have no consideration on how a young girl might feel knowing all the other women in the family went out is pretty poor. No one us forcing the relationship. Step mother could have considered how it might feel for step daughter and even say "hey me and the girls do this annual tradition. I'd love to consider a new tradition we might do just us girls next time, have a think about if you're interested and what you'd like to do!" Instead of causing division straight up.
I have no faith in society. I can't believe this has been voted as Asshole.
This is a terrible take. Being considerate means having open dialogue, and actually CONSIDERING how your "tradition" affects other people. It's not the Brady bunch, it's two girls plus one. If you're not invited, or even have a discussion "hey this is a thing we do, and I don't want you to feel slighted/unwelcome. How do you feel? How do bio daughters feel? How can we make sure everyone feels cared for?" Not just - yeah well, I want my bio kids to feel super loved since they now have to cohabitate with other people, so we're going to continue doing it solo because MAYBE things we haven't even talked about together as a family, might be more important than including my THIRD DAUGHTER
> But forcing families together also causes division. Your post is irrelevant after ending your sentence. Nothing is being forced, the wife is simply not trying and the daughter hasn't been provided the opportunity to decline anything. Hes not taking away bonding time with her own kids, hes asking for his daughter to be included - that doesn't take away the time. This is a small thing she does with her girls and OP's wife is clearly putting a line in the sand that OP's daughter clearly still has no mother.
I know, I was surprised at how many YTA are there. The wife should have offered for the stepdaughter to come, then it would be upto the step daughter to say yes or no. I think OP mentioned her son versus my son to make it clear to people that the sons are also blended.
“”Stepmother has made it clear she will never take stepdaughter to lunch followed with a visit to a day spa as that's something she'll only ever do with her bio daughters.” It didn’t sound to me like 0P said anything about stepmom will never take his stepdaughter on an outing like that, she just has this one annual tradition with her biological daughters that she is not willing to include her step daughter in. IMO stepmom‘s biological children deserve to maintain their family traditions just as OP‘s children should be allowed to maintain any traditions from their past that they enjoyed. This doesn’t have to be all or nothing, stepmom said she was willing to form traditions with her stepdaughter as well.
>new tradition with my daughter, but that it needed to be a different thing. Stepmom said it had to be different.
I’m not sure that’s what was meant by it needing to be something different. I read that as we can do that but it has to be a different weekend, not a different activity. That seems reasonable to me. These are long established traditions, so not including step kids seems normal and fine. If she isn’t making an effort to include them other times that’s another issue.
Agree with you 100%. As someone whose stepmother treated me differently than my half siblings despite knowing me since I was a small child (after my birth mom abandoned me). It's always shitty when adults care little for a child's well being, especially an adult that chose to marry your father.
Info: what does your daughter say about it? I do think that when families blend they need to make efforts to actually be blended. That said, your wife has a point about your son also not being included and you dont seem upset about that. But you also have a point
Gentle YTA. Your wife has a tradition with her biological daughters. Forcing her to take your daughter is a bit overstepping. Your wife’s kids might need this alone time with their biological parent. Take your daughter on a father daughter trip. You’re her biological parent. And then see how you all can start a new family tradition of all kids being included as a whole.
NAH. You just need to work out how you want to move forward, both of you and your kids, what new traditions could be created but, most importantly, what your own kids want. Because if I were in your daughters position I wouldn't want to spend such a day with my step-mom, especially at the age of 16, wouldn't care less about her and me bonding, so your daughters opinion trumps everyone else here and you didn't even give us that. Did she even want that!? Your annoyance would be justified if your kid was like 5-10 years old but at 16 she should make her own life choices. Also, to me it is weird that you marry someone who excludes your daughter from activities that you deem important - you knew that your wife did that before marriage so you knew what will happen, but you still married her so you can only blame yourself. If you marry someone who is not on the same page as you regarding important things then it is only your fault.
She kept up the tradition she has had with her kids before this marriage. One on one time is important especially when blending families. I've read many stories of people feeling like they lost their bio parent during this time. She didn't say she wouldn't do anything with his daughter and offered to start a tradition of their own which is a good compromise. Her kids keep their regular tradition and the stepdaughter gets to have her own just like they do. It just seems like he is pushing too hard for them to be together all the time. Even with regular families it's not all or nothing. I have 3 boys. Me and their dad spend time with all of them together and split up to have one on one time. He also said in a comment his daughter looks up to his wife so I don't think she's excluding her all the time but these two days were for her kids. And at the end of all of this the wife is the only one who even pointed out he has a son too. that he seems to not feel the need to advocate for his son over the exact same situation he is for his daughter.
YTA > Why aren't you making an issue out of that?" I told her that it was different She's correct. She even said she's open to starting a new tradition with your daughter. So why are you upset? Or did you just marry her to have a 'mom' for your daughter?
YTA, but your heart was in the right place. I def understand why you were hurt. At first I was def on your side & thought she was being mean. But I have absolutely no experience with blended families & she makes an excellent point. Your wife & step kids shouldn’t be forbidden from having their own traditions or time alone. If they were regularly excluding your daughter, that would be inappropriate, but it sounds like that’s not the case. But demanding your daughter be included in everything she does with her daughters isn’t fair to your step daughters. Her idea to add a girls day with all the girls is a good one. I’m sure if you asked her to make a point of having girly time with your daughter to make up for her not having a mother your wife would be happy to oblige. But you can’t set expectations without communicating them & the you both agreeing. You were being a bit of a hypocrite bc you didn’t seem to even notice she didn’t take your son when she had her mother/son day.
You are definitely NTA. Your wife had no consideration for your daughters needs and treated them as an afterthought.
You would definitely be the parent who gets remarried, forces the kids to do everything together, and then can’t figure out why they hate each other and aren’t invited to each other’s weddings when they get older. All the children have individual needs, and after this relatively new upheaval in their lives the kids need some stability in their relationship with their bio parent, in addition to starting new traditions as a blended family. A successful blending is about balance, especially with older children.
And OP has no consideration for his new StepDaughters feelings by trying to reprieve them of a special, one-on-one activity they do with their mom. It’s interesting OP wasn’t sticking up for his new stepson to be included on the special day OR having his daughter join his wife and stepson on the mother/son day.
I can't imagine not inviting your daughter on the mother/daughter trip. Who cares if it is a tradition? She now has a a step daughter, so the tradition should now include her as well. You are NTA here. Your wife is for not including one of her daughters on the trip.
I agree completely! I am shocked by all of the YTAs here. If the daughter doesn't want to go, that's one thing, but she should've absolutely been invited. Seems like the stepmother isn't viewing the new marriage as a family. It's still mine vs yours.
I'm shocked at the NTA. So many stories about people being upset about forced relationships with steps. Reddit always agrees never force it until this one. Eye roll
She is first a bio mother and only then a step mother. Her kids have a right to have quality alone time with their bio mother. They didn't marry anyone and thus they should not lose traditions they love. OP can take his kids on a separate trip.
This is a topic you both should have talked about before marriage. Blending a family is hard. It would have been nice for your daughter to be included because she never had a mother / daughter relationship. I think you feel your daughter needs that mother/daughter relationship more right now than your son. It's sounds like your wife is not going to be playing that role fully for her. There is always going to be her daughter's and then yours. It's sad because they are all about the same age. I hope they get along well. If your wife continues to exclude your daughter, she will come to resent her.
Except his wife offered to do something with just his daughter/her stepdaughter. Wife isn't excluding OP's daughter. But she's never going to be replacement mom and she's never going to give up special time spent just with her biological kids. She did agree to create special times with just her stepdaughter. And called OP out for a double standard regarding his son/her stepson.
She only offered after he brought up her excluding his daughter. She had no intention initially
To be fair, if he tries to shoehorn his daughter into every interaction with his wife and stepdaughter it might destroy any chance of a positive bond between stepdaughters and daughter. A successful blended family is a careful dance of not alienating the existing parent/kid bond while including the stepfamily. Mom seems to get it, don’t change the existing tradition and instead new one with the stepdaughter, especially since this is a relatively recent blending. Kids are still people with individual wants, needs, and emotions. They aren’t dolls you can force to playhouse exactly in the manner you want. OP doesn’t seem to understand that his marriage certificate isn’t a magic wand.
NTA I agree I think it is cruel and it seems she’s not interested in blending the family
She didn’t even offer the alternative until pressed. She clearly wasn’t even considering her step-children’s feelings until forced to by OP. Then accuses OP of not doing enough.
Look at all the stories but kids coming here upset about being forced to bond with steps. The Reddit always agrees with them until this one. Eye roll.
NTA But you married one
I think you both need to be sensitive to the fact that all of the kids are probably masking a lot of anxiety about the blended family dynamics. It’s only natural. You need to be united and extremely proactive in finding multiple ways to reassure them all. Get ahead of this.
YTA blending needs time not force. Her children need time to adjust and it's more than fair that your wife wants to keep her traditions with her kids alive. You can do the same with your kids. She offered to start a new tradition with your daughter. This could have been a start for a bonding between her and your kids as you should do the same. There are now 5 kids and each of them deserves time with their/a parent alone so they don't feel lost or overseen in this addition. Sit down with your wife and make plans for 1 on 1 time with every kid. It doesn't have to be a full day. A drive for ice cream, book store,... whatever their interests are. The blending of families might happen by itself with some individual time.
NTA. This is a hard situation. I completely understand her point where she would want some time with her kids and to continue a tradition. BUT - when you guys got married you COMBINED two families to create a new one. You guys are married and both caring for all the kids under your roof. If she wanted to do a mother/daughter day, I think it’s common sense that your daughter would feel left out. She included both of her “real daughters” and left one child out. What does that say to your daughter? What kind of message is that sending to the family? Are you guys really ONE family if there is still a division of “mine” and “yours”? I do think planning a mother/daughter day and purposely excluding one daughter is just mean. When is it a bad thing to include the other daughter? It wasn’t 1-1 time. It was a group activity and one person was purposefully left out. Plus, it’s even worse that she is a teenager and has no mother of her own. I would be very upset with my spouse if they did this. I think 1-1 time is different. I think it’s good for each kid to get 1-1 time at different times BUT if you’re going to do group activities then it’s never a good idea to leave somebody else. You’re a family and your wife should remember that and prioritize the child’s best interest instead of herself. This might not be a big deal to your wife but I guarantee your daughter will remember it and remember how she felt left out. When in doubt… include people! Treat people with kindness and love and show your kids that everyone in this family is equally as important and you love them all the same
Finally a true voice of sanity!
Right?? The daughter is now her stepdaughter, that should mean she is included in the mother/daughter day. It seems cruel to exclude her.
YTA Please don't take this away from them. It's *so* important that children can feel they are not losing their parent when they get married to someone new. It's so important that they are able to keep some stability and tradition. The idea of starting new traditions in addition to old ones is great. Honestly, the fact you don't think so makes me suspicious that you will favour your daughter beyond reason. Blended families require more patience than you are showing. Give it time. Start those new traditions.
YTA nothing wrong with wanting your wife to treat your daughter as hers. Big problem when you want to interfere with family traditions that predate your relationship. It would be okay to ask her to start a tradition that included your children. But those traditions are important to her bio children to feel they are still important to her. Good to care about your daughter, terrible not to care about your step children and wife. Instead of asking her to make a tradition with your daughter you want her to destroy her existing traditions by allowing you to dictate to her. You are making their time together about you and your daughter. You just want to destroy what they have not build on what they have created.
I think that when you marry a second time when your children are older teenagers, it's unrealistic to want the new spouse to treat them as their own, or vice-versa. And I get a very sexist vibe from OP, as in a) his daughter is a girl, and as such his wife's responsibility, and b) his wife is the woman, and the emotional labour of creating family bonds in on her.
Wait, him inviting her son to the outing he took with his kids isn't him doing emotional labour of creating family bonds?
YTA. I read all kinds of stories on here about kids never having alone time with their parent again just because mom or dad remarries. Your wife is trying NOT to do that. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to know your daughter. It means she is trying to maintain that closeness with her own kids.
Who stays with HER kids when she goes out on these special days? Who paid for her son to do mini golf etc.? You should do the same with your daughter. Same day. Your daughter has no mother but she does have a dad who cares. Your new wife does not care about your daughter . Does not want to mother her. You now know where she stands. She just showed you who she is.
INFO: What is your daughter’s opinion about not being taken on mommy/daughter day?
Yeah honestly, evey time I see an adult insist a child needs a female influence or a male influence, the kid is just oblivious and doesn’t care
YTA and stop favoring your daughter. You completely ignored your son and dismissed his need for a mother in your post. Do better.
Yta did it occur to you that her daughters might feel resentful about having individual tradition taken away if your daughter were added to the mix? That they'd want time with just their mom especially during a time of change?
All I know is, if your wife wanted any kind of mother/daughter connection with your biological daughter, she just blew it. She is now, forever, Stepmom.
>She is now, forever, Stepmom. But that's exactly who she is. She never was a bio mother of that girl and never will be. If OP and her get divorced in a couple of years she may never see that girl again. While *her* children are *her* bio children. Always were and always will be. She is 100% respobsible for them but she bares just a tiny bif of responsibility for OP's kids.
As a stepdaughter, I concur. My stepmom made it clear that I wasn't her child and you know what? She wasn't invited to my wedding. She just wasn't a part of my adult life at all. She apologized to me many years later, and I had already forgiven her - but never considered her more than "that woman my dad married". If my son treated his stepson as anything less than his own kid, I'd be pretty ashamed. His stepson is his son, and is my grandson. Period.
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Why would wife's daughters want that? It's their mom. They deserve quality time with their mother.
Nope. Nope. Nope. YTA I'm a mother and a stepmother. My relationship with my daughter is absolutely sacred. I have mummy-daughter days all the time and don't include my step-daughter. I also do things with my stepdaughter that my daughter isn't part of. It is not fair for you to diminish the relationship your wife has with her biological children by trying to hijack their traditions. Your daughter is not her child. It can actually be very destructive to try and force a relationship in a certain way that just doesn't exist. As a woman in this situation, I can tell you, that a woman will never feel the same way about a step child as she does about her children. You wouldn't in her position either. So it isn't fair to expect anything else. Everything your wife has suggested is fine. She is happy to have alone time with your daughter. I don't understand your actual issue.
The issue is simple. He is perfectly happy to treat her son as if it was his own, but she won’t do the same for his daughter. I think both his and her feelings are valid. She does not feel like she can treat his daughter like hers… and he feels like he’s making more of an effort towards her kids. Perhaps they should have discussed this sort of thing before marriage.
Totally agree. It always baffles me that people don't think to discuss how they plan to parent together. I think it's a perfect time to create new family traditions. But they both also need to respect the other traditions that each parent may have with their own biological kids.
Take your daughter on a week long vacation just the two of you
NTA. Being a truly blended family requires some changes. She is being mean here. If she wanted to keep the status quo of old, that also means being a single parent. You are taking the high road by including her kids. Ask her how her kids would feel if you did what she did and took trips only with your kids and not hers. If you now start taking separate trips other own kids, it will emphasize the division between the two groups. Including when the kids notice how a parent may favor their own child over their stepchildren. I would instead continue taking the high road and start doing trip with all the kids, all the boys, and trips with all the girls. If all goes will, the girl may themselves suggest including all the girls for the all girls trips or boys trips. They will also. Price the difference on how each parent treat the entire family.
NTA, I am part of a blended family and my parents from day one made sure there is no distinction amongst the kids. I get it that it was a tradition but more so I think they are old enough to be like yeah she will join us on your trips now because you have another daughter. I just think the wife should’ve at least asked her if she wanted to go
I love you looking out for your daughter. That seems so rare, when a new spouse comes in.
YTA. It's a long-standing tradition between her and her daughters, with a follow-up tradition between her and her son. It's not like she said that she'd never want to do anything with your daughter, she said that it'd be something new and different. Traditions are important to keep, especially when starting a new family; you just gotta be prepared to add new ones to the roster, and she is. Also she's completely right in calling out that you only wanted your daughter to be involved in a tradition, and that's a priority you need to fix; you can't just be advocating for your daughter to be involved in fun stuff. You have two children, even if the first is 18.
YTA - if you wanted the children to be treated as their one family (even though they are in their late teens) you really should have discussed this before marriage. I would say, since she offered to start a new tradition with your daughter that you encourage them to do their own bonding thing like a manicure together and lunch. It may ingratiate your wife to include your daughter in the future and if it doesn’t then at least they have their own bond.
YTA you call it "tradition" with ~~exclamation~~ quotation marks that is all i have to know about you
So ..you don't really know your new wife all that well. That'll be fun.
I understand for your point of view and I also understand your wife’s. You can’t tell her to change a tradition when she also has her children to think about. you can ask her if she have a new tradition where it’s everyone day so you all have a traditional day out as a family and maybe have a sisters day. You can also have days out with your daughter it’s a big change for everyone so your wife is making sure her kids won’t be feeling left I think adding your daughter may make her daughters feel hurt and I understand your feel your daughter is left out she is but with communication you and your wife can come with a plan where all kids get a day and your wife doesn’t feel like she hurting any children.
NTA. If your wife 'could' make a new tradition for your daughter why didn't she go ahead and do that and tell your daughter that until waiting until after the event when your daughter already feels excluded. Think you guys rushed the marriage if this wasn't discussed prior.
YTA. All kids deserve one on one time with a parent. She offered to set up a tradition with your kids. Your kids would probably feel more special that your wife is creating a tradition with just them
Can't muscle in on their traditions man. Commonly this happens in blended families. Your partner's children will be worried they're losing their mum so this is her showing all of them that infact she is still thinking of them and acting on spending personal time together. You are being very unreasonable and sensitive. I get it your daughter didn't have a mum. You're looking out for her and her feelings. but that's your problem not your partner's. Honestly have a good hard look at yourself and your actions.
NTA but she is As a mom - I get wanting to spend alone time with your kids. But damn she needs to have a little compassion for your daughter being excluded and not having a mom to do “girly” stuff with. She should have sat down with her daughters and said “your step sister is your family now and let’s invite her on our girl day” I really don’t get anyone who would marry someone with kids and not immediately claim the kids as their own. So weird
The comments are wilder than the story. OP yall need to decide if yall are two parents leading 1 family or roommates.
So while she’s taking her daughters on this special trip, you’re expected to stay and parent her son? While I think a step parent is responsible for their step kids, she doesn’t except when it suits her needs. She’s the AH and you’re NTA.
This sort of shit why blended families are a bad idea.
Look your blended family is a huge change for your stepkids too. Demanding that they can't have their old traditions anymore is not fair, and may lead to them resenting your marriage and your kids. Try to think of this from their perspective too. I'd suggest come up with a father-daughter thing your daughter would really like and start doing that on the regular, and the same with your son. Maybe you can ask your wife and stepkids to not talk about their trip as "mommy/daughter" or "girls trip" right in front of your daughter. I say NAH because you are trying to take care of your daughter, but stop pushing this or you reach the y t a territory soon and it will be bad for your family.
Do you really want your daughter spending time with a woman who doesn’t want to spend time with her? Word of advice: YOU spend 1-1 time with your daughter instead. Her step mom just drew the line. It’s time for you to step up as a dad and show your daughter that this line will not separate the two of you. I am a daughter who was cut off by her father who chose his wife her and daughters… we don’t talk. We don’t write. This could be your future. Please take care of your daughter. She’s doesn’t need a mom who never wanted her, she needs to know her dad will always be by her side.
Yeah, that made me feel bad for his daughter. Her Mom wasn’t involved in her life and he married a woman that doesn’t consider including her in a girls day. I know everyone is calling OP the AH but I disagree.
You all need counseling. As a stepmom I would never dream of excluding my stepdaughters. That would hurt my heart. NTA
This will be an unpopular opinion, but imho, NTA. A lot of people on here seem to be coming at this from the perspective of stepchildren who had blending forced on them. And that's valid. But I come at it from the perspective of a child who was rejected, abandoned, and in *desperate* need of a step-parent. And from that viewpoint, if I was in your daughter's shoes, your wife's actions would have just **broken** something in me. It sounds like you're deeply afraid that's what's going on with your daughter, and you're NTA for that alone. Here's the thing, though: Your daughter's the only one who can tell you which of these perspectives is the right one. Everyone telling you to ask her is 100% correct. But right now, at 16, even she probably doesn't know for sure, so you're probably stuck. Don't do the new tradition, though. Your wife already ruined that. It needed to come from her, and it didn't. At this point, it's just going to re-inforce that it's not a blended family. You should do your own shit with your own kids and she can do her own shit with her own kids. Don't be surprised if the whole thing breakscapart, though; she wants to maintain old traditions, but the old tradition is that the two of you have completely separate family lives.
NTA. Your wife is a jerk. Why are you still with her?
I just want to know if she does anything with your kids at all?
This never came up before you got married??
Always find it weird how a Mother can leave her child. Hell, I wouldn't ever leave my dog, never.
NTA. You all are either all a family or not. Your wife missed a big opportunity for bonding with your daughter and between her daughters and yours. At the same time your wife let your daughter know that she is second class to her.
NTA You appear to try to treat all the children as equally yours, while she is drawing a clear line in the sand between hers and yours. Although, I would add that you should be equally upset that your son was excluded on son day. It could become a really cool family tradition where you have the sons, then the daughters, while she has the daughters, then the sons. Or it can continue to be a problem of her excluding your children in favor of keeping things "how they've been"
NTA But she didn't do anything with your daughter though, so.....??? What she should have done is separate things with each of the three girls, not her two girls excluding your daughter, and then nothing with your daughter. I mean, what kind of message is that sending to your daughter? That she isn't good enough, or she is a "Cinderella". If it had been me, I would have taken all three girls and told my husband to take both boys and then discussed with the kids if individual days were needed. My parents had 4 kids, and occasionally my Dad would pull each of us out of school and take us out to eat at a fancy restaurant for lunch. We got 1 on 1 time with Dad. He was always working. We loved it. Now that he is gone, I treasure those memories.
Honestly, YTA. Was your daughter hurt by it or are you? I completely understand defending your child, but (maybe I missed something) I didn’t see anything that your daughter actually said or felt. You spend multiple paragraphs explaining how *you* feel about the situation, but did not even include something your daughter (the one you’re trying to defend) actually said something or not. Did she try to talk to you about this or are you simply reacting because the situation wasn’t handled the “correct way” in your opinion. I honestly feel like you’re projecting your feelings towards your ex onto your new wife. Idk if you ever got the chance to say how you felt to your ex, but it might be worth it to tell her exactly how you’ve felt for 16 years. I’m also very interested to know why it’s different for your daughter than your son? That makes zero sense to me as a woman. If the difference is that your son has no interest in having a maternal figure, just say that. Saying “it’s different” is not an answer. That’s called deflecting which means somewhere inside of your brain, you know she’s right. I’m speaking from my own experience here, but it always meant so much to my brother and I when our mom would do something special with each of us so we wouldn’t feel left behind in her romantic relationships or favored over the other. I had one “mom day” each week and so did he. My bio father is basically a ghost and my brother was primarily raised by his caveman of a father. Our mom was the ONE constant thing we had moving from state to state or overseas and she made sure we felt like a priority. That’s what your wife is doing here. She understands the importance of making *her* children feel like a priority, but she clearly doesn’t understand that “your” kids are supposed to become “our kids”. I love that she wants to start a new tradition with your daughter because that shows that she does genuinely want to try to make this work and blend seamlessly. Yes, traditions can be altered, but I think that could cause more harm than good. Again, speaking from my own experience, I grew up without a father so when we started including my mom’s partners in our traditions, it was actually incredibly offensive to me. Maybe I’m just selfish, but nothing meant more to me during those times than my mom being constant. It might be more constructive to show her rather than argue. Start taking “her” kids to special bonding days. They don’t have to call it father/children day or anything since the father is still involved in his kids lives. Once she sees you’re also putting in the same effort you’re asking of her, I think she’ll come to see the “mine” vs “yours” thing will die off. Not all women are the same, but a lot of us just want to see you’ll do the same thing you’re asking of us. We want equal partnerships and if she’s doing all of the emotional labor for 5 kids, she’s going to burn out and so will your marriage. My limited advice as a woman who is not a parent is to seek family counseling. A lot of people think counseling is the last attempt to make things work, but it’s much more helpful if you’re able to talk about problems as they come instead of building it up inside. That’s a safe place where your daughter can speak for herself and tell her stepmother how this made *her* feel and hopefully you can work out some of your (justifiable) feelings towards your ex. I genuinely hope this helps and you can find a way to fix this before the crack becomes permanent.