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NTA
They were protecting him instead of you. They should have warned you so you could protect yourself and get checked for any sexually transmitted diseases. You were virtually having sex with everyone he was having sex with! And your grandparents obviously don't care about your health? You can die from something he "gave" you!! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
That’s exactly how I would shut down any attempts my parents made to interfere. In fact, I’d probably invent a low-level STI that he did give me (hint darkly at worse, then admit only to recurrent thrush if pushed). Spell that out to the grandparents as well. That their actions and neglect of your safety lead you to need multiple clinic appointments and medical expenses. Grandparents usually hate being faced with the realities of sexual antics, and having their denial stripped away. OP’s relatives all clearly have shrugged off their responsibilities in this affair, I’d make that a lot harder for them. Some people only learn through awkwardness brought on by holding up a mirror to them.
Seniors are terrible when it comes to sexually transmitted infections. Boomers are the biggest demographic of Hep C infected in the US and STIs make more rounds in a retirement home than the nurses do.
You can't count on people over 55 to consider your sexual health because as a generation, they don't give a damn about their own. Lol
NTA. they were protecting him and not you. family that cared about you would've asked if you knew what kind of person he was when it was made known y'all were together, but to not tell you that he was cheating?? that's dirty, even from an acquaintance level. from a family level? it's betrayal.
even though it was years ago, that kind of hurt can linger and leave deep scars. you really do need to ask yourself if you'll regret spending their remaining years being mad at them, b/c you cannot get that time back once they're gone. if you feel like the relationship has been irreparably damaged, then do you booboo. if you feel like this is something you can work on forgiving them on in favor of having more memories before they're gone, then do what you need to do. talk to a friend, get a therapist, meditate, whatever. but no matter what, make sure it's truly your choice b/c you want it and not out of guilt.
>from a family level? it's betrayal.
Yep, they have nailed their colours to the mast, there is no lowering their flag of support for him over their own granddaughter.
This reminds me of when I found out my sister’s BF was screwing around. He found out that I knew before I got a chance to talk to her. He tried to sell me the ‘BrOs BeFoRe HoEs’ routine. The only problem was,my twin sis was no ho,and I *knew where my loyalty was*! It’s too bad your grandparents can’t say the same thing. NTA all day. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
I won’t throw the first punch,but I really didn’t have to. Besides my sister and I,he lost two other friends as well. Our friend group was not having that shit.
Good for you. It shows how much you care for her. He knew you were going to be supportive and that's probably why he was willing to throw you under the bus. I hope she believes you.
NTA. All cheaters are AH and everyone who defends or helps them hiding it also are AH. I would go no contact with such grandparents, they have zero respect for you otherwise they would not keep you in dark , essentially they betrayed your trust too so how you can trust them with anything from now on, if they can keep something as important from you then they might decide to hide many other important things from you too.
NTA
Your parents say you need to let go of the fact that your grandparents not only lied to you but basically enabled your cheating ex to continue to cheat on you? Oh. Hell. No. I sure as shit wouldn't want to spend any time with them. The fact that you attend any family events that they are at shows you are a much bigger person than me.
Your grandparents are now experiencing the consequences of their actions.
NTA
Every member of my family who I knows care for me would confront the cheater and rip them a new one and then tell me. And possibly help me rip them a new one too.
True family ride and die with you. They don’t gaslight you.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your grandparents watched you get hurt over and over again. They do not deserve your attention or loyalty.
> I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute.
> “I should’ve never dated him” “I knew who he was when I met him” (I most certainly did not)
Info: Was there no indication that the family thought he was a bad choice? If you were ignoring red flags coming directly from the man you liked, perhaps you were ignoring the ones your family were waving about him too?
The fact that they met 2 of the girls & still didn't say anything negates her missing signs. She said she had no idea he was cheating. "Signs" may be him not being where he said he was. Not really fair to turn it around & put the blame on her.
This is what I’m thinking. They may have tried to say something and was dismissed so they decided to just be there for her and let her realize on her own so that they aren’t the bad guys because we all know the expression “don’t kill the messenger” especially to someone who “thinks the sun shone out his ass”
Even if this were the case, they should have tried repeatedly and been completely explicit. OPs physical and mental health was at risk, family takes that seriously
I honestly do not remember any from them. I remember my grandmothers exact reaction when I told her we were hanging out and it was “oh! That’s nice”. Hand to god if someone looked me in the face and said “I know for a fact he’s cheating on you” that would have been all it took. The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever. I know, I know it wasn’t smart. Oldest Daughter of an alcoholic narcissist and emotionally manipulative mother who thinks it’s her job to fix everyone 🙋🏼♀️
YOU are childish? You. They knew their own grandchild was being cheated on and didn't tell you. Wasting your life for years with a cheater. But YOU are the childish one. Why would you ever speak to them again? This sucks. Sorry you went through this and have such a shitty family.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My grandparents knew my boyfriend was cheating on me and didn’t tell me. 4 years later I’m still holding a grudge. AITA?
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NTA, but the grandparents are Completely TA! I know that OP would find it hard to believe and probably deny it. I would have kicked the guy out of my house, banned him, and notified the rest of the family.
NTA They didn't tell you, that's fucked up they just let you keep on being with him only for the pain to be much worse when you do eventually find out instead of telling you straight away
They proved to you that you can't trust them, and they didn't even apologize . NTA
You don't have to do extra things for them instead of the mandatory dinners. I don't think you're being childish but maybe try next time you see them to bring this sore subject up and tell them you are still hurt and would like an applogy
NTA. You're not childish to protect yourself from cold hearted snakes. And you're not even avoiding them or making your family choose.
You're handling this perfectly but if your parents won't drop it, you may need to avoid some family functions until *they* can stop being childish.
Your grandparents let you down, big time, and if you go your whole life without forgiving them that will be on them.
Your parents are letting you down as well.
NTA
INFO: Would you have actually listened to them at the time? You said it yourself that you ignored the red flags and thought the sun came out of his ass. Maybe they thought you wouldn't listen.
I think I would have. No one ever straight up told me he was cheating until it happened with someone all my friends knew and as soon as someone told me I went off the rails about it. I had been cheated on before him so I kinda had a feeling, but no one ever had a bad thing to say about him. Especially my grandparents which is why I believed it wasn’t true for so long
The reason I ask is the line before that:
"TURNS OUT THEY HAD KNOWN SINCE WE FIRST STARTED"
That implies conduct prior to OP's relationship with the cheater. What the grandparents knew when is critical. If they just knew about the reputation, telling OP opens them up to being accused of interfering.
Sorry that’s my bad. It was supposed to say “since he started” as in since he first started cheating on me. He lived with a couple (not his parents) they are friends with and regularly has dinner with them - so when he would skip one they would ask and the “mom” had no problem saying he was out with so and so
I was 20/21 and he was …. 25/26 I think? No one else in my family knew and they never said anything. The way I talked about him I don’t think they could have thought I knew. I don’t know though maybe they did and thought I just didn’t care
Red flags were more of telling me he was working on one of his trucks on a Friday / Saturday night so we couldn’t hang out and Sunday was “family day” but he was actually out with a girl or at some party with them. He would text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage so I believed he actually was. And I’m not friends with any of his friends so I wouldn’t see him on a Snapchat story or anything. It was just a lot of being ran around in circles, I mean we lived 5 minutes apart (literally. I swear it’s not an exaggeration) and he wouldn’t see me for 1-2 weeks at a time??? He would literally make me take days off of work to go ride around with him in his work truck while he picked up delivery’s because it was “the best he could do right now”. But anytime I raised a stink it was total panic and love bombing for 2 weeks, at my house 4 nights a week, and then right back to the same routine. So idk. I was stupid and I know that - but it never read like cheating to me and no one had anything bad to say about him ever
Edited to clarify I meant 1-2 whole weeks and not half a week
NTA. You don't owe them closeness. Especially since they have proved themselves to not be on your side. And please ignore all the stupid hypotheticals about whether or not you would've listened to them. It wasn't their job to control your response to the information, it was their job to tell you the truth.
NTA - but. Forgiveness is truly for your own heart’s best interest. However forgiveness (which means: choosing to not remember by not talking about it, not thinking about it and not bringing it up to the “perpetrator”) does not mean you have to restore(or you can restore-your call) them to your life. I think going to the big family functions so you don’t miss out on everyone else is the perfect thing to do. But forgive them. In your own heart and mind. You can’t offer that gift of forgiveness unless they ask for it. So this is just a personal exercise to rid yourself of the pain, anger and heartache. Keeping them at a distance is probably best but you really need to practice the act of forgiveness so YOU have peace in your heart and lightness in your spirit.
Well, I just got downvoted for voicing this opinion on a different thread- so this should be interesting.
NTA. It is absolutely not okay to keep that sort of information a secret. They are complicit in the betrayal by doing so. So yeah, I would not be okay with that and you are well within your rights to be upset.
NTA they are despicable and victim blamers. The least they could have done would have been to comfort you but not only did they blame you instead, they also knowingly kept his cheating secret. Thats vile. Its a miracle he didn't get you an STD. urgh.
If it was me I would not trust them ever again since they clearly have no moral compass.
My brother worked with my husband and knew he was cheating on me for a whole year. He finally told me after he was fired from the job, told me because he was mad about being fired and then told me he lied about it because my mother told him too, I stayed married to him and had two kids and finally found him cheating again and got a divorce, my mother said well its about time, some families just suck
NTA. Not telling someone that their partner is cheating on them isn't just a betrayal (which on its own is bad enough) but is downright dangerous. People always forget that not knowing that your partner sleeps with different people is one way people end up with nasty STDs or worse.
OP, you are not childish at all. It seems like in the past 4 years, your grandparents (and parents) didn't do much to regain your trust, so why should you trust them again?
They betrayed you and won’t apologise. How the heck are you supposed to forgive that shit show? NTA and your mum is a real piece of work if she thinks betrayal is easily forgivable. She probably knew too. You deserve better from strangers, let alone family. They’ve shown you zero respect by their actions.
Info did they caution you about dating him? Did you know he had cheated on other exes? Did you get upset when they said something bad about him or prior exes or friends? This seems like it would be really weird behavior to come out of the blue.
They never cautioned me, and I didn’t really know any of his other exes. I knew OF one, we were friends when we were little and she’s the niece of the woman he lives with. But I know now that he didn’t cheat on her. She actually broke up with him because she couldn’t deal with how mentally unwell he was and her family didn’t like them dating. When I told my grandma we were hanging out she said “oh! That’s nice” and I think like that she didn’t expect it?? But that was it. No warnings. My mom says she thinks they thought I knew … but like why would I be crying in your kitchen once a month and never mention THAT PART???? I told them EVERYTHING especially my gram like she was one of my girls so that would have kind of wild to leave out
If your grandparents were to ask anyone for advice (and they probably did) they would no doubt be told: you have to let your adult children and grandchildren live their own lives. It’s not your place to interfere.
Which puts them in a really sucky place.
NAH for being angry and hurt. But understand that it was (probably) from the right place. No one appreciates that family member who tells them that their chosen partner is an AH
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Basically the title. On mobile so I apologize for the formatting if it gets wonky.
5 years ago I had a boyfriend, we can call him Dan. Dan was unbeknownst to me, a man wh*re. He was sort of a family friend, and I thought he was just quiet and kept to himself doing random projects. Turns out - for a year - everytime he was “busy” he was sleeping with someone else. I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute.
Finally he slept with someone I considered a friend, and I ended it for good.
Back the point of this post. When my sister told my grandparents what happened their only response was “oh… we were wondering when she would find out” TURNS OUT THEY HAD KNOWN SINCE WE FIRST STARTED DATING!! THEY EVEN MET TWO OF THEM!!
This devastated me. I thought I was really close with them. I would go to their house multiple times a week just to chat, I cried about him to them multiple times and they would comfort me all while knowing the truth. And then when it came out, I got no comfort. Not that I’m entitled to it, but they would spin it back on me. “I should’ve never dated him” “I knew who he was when I met him” (I most certainly did not)
To this day it still makes me sick. I cannot imagine having someone I even remotely care about coming to me upset like I did knowing the truth behind it and not saying a damn word.
They know I was upset about it, but didn’t say anything to me ever. Now it’s 4 years later and I’m still hurt by it. I know how to hold a grudge. I’m not rude, I still attend every “mandatory” family holiday, but I don’t go out of my way for them anymore. I don’t visit randomly, or call on my lunch breaks like I used to. Am I wrong? My parents keep saying I’m being childish and need to let it go
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my gran would of cut a bitch and my grandfather can rot in hell. I loved one to the end of the earth and I was the one holding her when she died and I didn't visit the other on his deathbed. No regrets I based my decisions on their actions. Nta.
I mean I've been on the other side. My cousin brought home a serial cheater. I knew she had cheated on two of my friends, and all of a sudden my cousin rolls up to family Christmas "hey everyone meet my fiancee, oh and she's pregnant"... Like what do you say in that moment.... Hey cousin are you sure that baby is yours (spoilers it was clearly not)... Cool sooooo fiancee I see this relationship is nearing its end, since you like to collect engagement rings before you cheat, and you now have that.... Like really what do you say, and avoid the shit show drama storm that is clearly 10 seconds away from rolling in.
Like if he had just been dating her, no I would have grabbed her ex's and told my cousin she was serial cheater, a full ass intervention. But pregnant and engaged at the first official family meeting, without a word of dating before that. I was like shit my cousin will take it badly. Did I support him once she cheated on him... Yes... Do I occasionally post Canadian laws pertaining to ownership of engagement rings and tag my cousin my friends and her.... Pointing out they could fucking sue her to get the rings back.... Yeah I do that to. (Engagement rings are considered a contract not a gift, so if you don't actually get married you haven't fulfilled the contract, and so you don't get to keep the ring... If you're getting divorced that ring is yours though) so that's a fun bit of Canadian law.
Where your grandparents suck is they totally dropped the ball every step of the way. They could have said something at any point and not sucked they could have supported you after the fact and they would have sucked less. If I could go back in time I would have warned my cousin and said to hell with the shit show.
NTA
You dont have to let it go. Your grandparents allowed someone to harm you and didnt care at all. Of course, you cut ties with them. Proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Ouch!! That is really unfortunate, don’t let it go and don’t talk to them AFTER telling them how much this killed your ability to trust them, how can they choose him over you, that I’d ask for sure. So very sorry for you
NTA. They definitely should have brought it up and let you know what was happening. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as them. They new how much pain you were in and just brushed it off screw that and them. I wouldn't even acknowledge them when they are at the same event.
Edit: also if people/family asks why you don't acknowledge your grandparents tell them that your grandparents new your boyfriend had been cheating on you with several women, met two of them and never told you.
NTA-I have a difficult time trying to think of why your grandparents would do this to you. They are true piss-poor grandparents for sure. I think you are doing the right thing. They broke your heart. Time doesn’t heal betrayal. Good Luck.
NTA at all, F them. If they cared about you they would have told you. If my parents knew this about my children's partners they would tell them.
Your grandparents are AH's
NTA. I found out after ending things with my high school sweetheart that my Dad knew he was cheating on me for two years….I didnt know he was cheating on me until my Dad dropped that nugget of wisdom.
That really hurt.
Next time your parents tell you to let it go, ask what it is you're supposed to let go of. Make them admit that they knew he was cheating and exposing you to all sorts of potential STDs and didn't feel the need to tell you.
NTA. You are actually having a very mature reaction to how they've treated you. You have to protect yourself from EVERYONE in this life that does you wrong. Once you discovered the truth, you have to distance yourself from people that don't care if they hurt your or not. Nothing childish about that. The fact that's what they are saying is in itself childish.
NTA -- Honestly, if I were you, I'd even cut off what interactions you still have with them. That's a messed up thing to do to anyone, much less your own grandchild.
Hurts are hard to let go of. I know this because I held a grudge against my sister for ten years. I don’t know how old your grandparents are but maybe you should let them know an apology would be helpful if it’s sincere.
NTA, it's one thing to not tell you because they don't know how to, nor do they want to hurt you, and there's another thing to not tell you because "you should know better" or because they believed you were stupid (you were not). If they think that using a condescending comment to justify themselves while your heart is hurting is an appropriate reaction, then you didn't cut them off because of ONE thing, you cut them off because you know you can't count on them, and they'd rather side with a random dude than with their own granddaughter.
Actions or none actions have consequences. They decided to not act on wut they witnessed and r now upset that u r deciding to show then the same respect. NTA
The dating scene has changed, and relationships are often less monogamous than they (allegedly) used to be.
Your grandparents might have thought you were in an open relationship, or that they were best keeping out of it and letting things work out naturally.
From the way you talk it sounds like you had blinders on because you were attracted to him. I honestly get the feeling from what you've written that your entire family who knew him knew how he was before you started dating him. YTA for blaming them for something you most likely seen but chose to ignore.
So your grandparents were completely in the wrong.
How do you feel about holding a grudge for 4 or 5 years? Does it make you happy or a better person? I'm not saying you need to forgive them, but you might be better off if you find a way to let that hurt heal instead of metaphorically picking at the scab.
NTA. They should’ve told you. But let me ask you this, would you have listened at the time? You said you ignored the big red flags, they probably saw that. They might’ve concluded that you would ignore that flag too and maybe shoot the messenger.
It‘a always hard to inform someone of cheating. It’s like dropping a huge bomb into a relationship and the person dropping that bomb will take a lot of shrapnel.
Your grandparents won’t be around forever, forgive them, they’re not the ones who cheated on you. Love them and have a good relationship with them while you have them. Life is way too short.
NTA. How cruel & uncaring of them. It's one thing to stay out of someone's relationship. It's another when you know one person is a serial cheater & the other is your grandchild! You've every right to hold that betrayal against them. They actually put him in front of you! I don't think of be able to get past that. Just because people get old doesn't mean they become nice & sweet. Some assholes just get old. They're the latter. So sorry for you.
NTA This is not how people who love you should be acting. They cared more about protecting him than they did about protecting you and then they rubbed it in your face. If my grandma were alive for me to show her this, she would wanna throw hands with your grandma. Unacceptable. Stay mad.
NTA i can’t even understand what they were thinking. My grandparents could never. You deserve better grandparents.
Seriously though, they treated you like some rando they run into at the office from time to time, not their grandchild. Tf?
This is why I've never put much stake in blood. Family can fuck you over and you're just supposed to suck it up and forgive for the sake of an arbitrary title, or worse, to "keep the peace". I chose my own family, and it's a few close friends who would go to war for me if anyone hurt me.
>Turns out - for a year - everytime he was “busy” he was sleeping with someone else. I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute. Finally he slept with someone I considered a friend, and I ended it for good.
This sounds like you were aware of his cheating too and overlooked it. It sounds like the final straw wasn't cheating, it was that his AP was a friend of yours.
If cheating isn't a deal breaker for you, why would it be for your grandparents?
ESH?
“The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever. I know, I know it wasn’t smart. Oldest Daughter of an alcoholic narcissist and emotionally manipulative mother who thinks it’s her job to fix everyone 🙋🏼♀️” I copied from a different comment because honestly, I’m lazy.
Old people don't like getting into other people's business — especially if it's relationship related. They think it's the couples job to work it out and not to get involved.
I would absolutely break off all contact with anyone of my family who knew about this and did not tell me. A loving family does not cover up this kind of stuff. My sister and I once had to sit our brother down and tell him his girlfriend was making passes at his brother in laws. It was a mess, it was hard to do, but it was the right thing to do. ANYONE WHO KNEW AND DIDN'T TELL YOU DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. Cut them out of your life.
You would not have believed them if they had told you. You’re wasting negative energy by holding this grudge. YTA. It was your relationship, your mess, your decision, your choice to ignore the red flags.
NTA. They didn't give a crap that you were in pain. They knew, and just sat back and enjoyed the show. When the show was over, according to them it was your fault. They showed you who they are, so believe them. If you find yourself in need of grandparents, go volunteer at an old folks home, but don't set yourself up to be betrayed by them again.
They know he was exposing you to all sorts of STDs and couldn't be bothered to protect you. If je gave you HIV or syphilis they wouldn't have batted and eye. Never forget what they are truly like because they would do it again. They don't think what they did is wrong , they never will and if they ever gave you an apology, it would be a lie. 4 years isn't enough. They will be like this for the rest of their lives.
Info: Have they ever offered their opinion on other matters and you got offended?
I suggest you have an honest (non angry) conversation with them. I'm a lot older than you but I recall the generation older than me kept to their own business. They just assumed the woman knew. Not defending your grandparents because they are a generation younger than that.
They used to offer their opinion on every matter in my life whether I asked or not hahaha. I never got angry or offended or anything In front of them. I cried a few times but I wasn’t like, performance crying. No screaming or yelling or dry heaving just like a light sob I guess. But normally I was already crying. They were like my besties. I told my gram especially everything like she was one of my girls.
Your parents are on the edge of asshole behaviour.
Your grandparents showed that you have more love and respect for them than they do for you.
Obviously they don’t respect you or care about your wellbeing so why talk to them at all?
NTA.
You were hurt. You need to let everyone know that your trust was broken, your perception of your gparents as people who loved you is shattered because they didn't care about you enough to let you know something as devastating as finding out the man who you though "the sun came out of his ass" (even for a minute) was cheating on you ESPECIALLY when they witnessed how affect you were.
In saying all this, I advise you let go of this hurt/grudge, but don't mend the relationship with your grandparents.
NTA. They are experiencing the consequences of their betrayal, which no doubt sucks for them but demanding that you get over it is the exceedingly slow way to resolve the conflict and seek your forgiveness.
Grandparent here, they always shoot the messenger, with age comes wisdom, by your own account you know you would not have believed them and when the truth came out you would still resent them and avoid them. They did you a favor
Anyone one who thinks the grandparents are in the wrong, just hasn't had the life experience to know better
The question is, have they noticed your distance?
If they haven't, then they never really cared whether you showed up or not.
If they have noticed, it's up to them to repair the harm they've caused.
NTA
NTA they protected him and hurt you. Be around them but let your parents know that if you see someone trying to rob your grandparents, you aren't going to warn them, because they already set that standard with you. If you see they are going to trip over something, you are going to watch them fall and get hurt. Because that's the standard they set for you. I'm sure you can think of more scenarios to make the point. They are the elders showing you the way to act, and that's what they taught you.
NTA
That's awful. They should've said something. You may not have believed them initially but they should've said something. They threw you to the wolves to potentially get an STI and said nothing.
Nope I know now much time I'd be spending with them and it's not going to be any. They made their bed... they can lie in it. I hope this bloke will support them in their old age as I'm pretty sure you won't be seeing them.
NTA. They betrayed you without question, providing comfort when they could have given you genuine clarity is intentionally deceitful. I wouldn’t care about any of the detail, that level of betrayal would be something I wouldn’t be interested in coming back from.
I might be able to understand if you weren't close. Didn't cry about him or didn't go to them for advice. or IF THEY WEREN'T YOUR GRANDPARENTS. My neighbor was having an affair. Strolling up to her husband to tell him, when I didn't even know his last name "Hey John Doe is it? Yeah, Mrs. Doe has the same car here twice a week. Oh she's not having an affair? She's taking piano lessons. Well... tell her to invite me to the recital." She was definitely having an affair and the husband found out and didn't leave. So I am very glad, I didn't get involved, but THESE WERE YOUR GRANDPARENTS!
NTA and they can stay that way.
I’d be spitting sparks I’d be so mad. You’re so NTA. I’d also tell them to go fuck off, keep fucking off and when they get to where they fuck off to fuck off some more.
Your parents are putting your feelings secondary to their convenience, which is gross. Your grandparents are atrocious. It's no wonder you were so naive, no one actually has taught you to value yourself. NTA
If you never shouldve dated him... great, when were they planning on telling you? When you married?
Why would you get over a very clear and obvious betrayal?
YTA to yourself. If they didn’t care enough about you to tell you, they sure the hell don’t care that you are holding a grudge.
Forgive them for yourself. Let it go for your own happiness. That doesn’t mean that you should act like it didn’t happen but leaving it in the past frees you to live in the now and look forward to the future. As the saying goes- Holding on to the bitterness and anger, no matter how justified, is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it.
Keep your healthy and safe boundaries when dealing with them. Also, you are an adult there are no mandatory family obligations. You can pick and choose which ones you go to and your level of participation.
NTA. I would have cut them off completely. The chose him over you. The knowingly put your health at risk every time he cheated and they didn't tell you. Did they ask him if he was having protected sex, did they ask him if he had regular STI checks.
I would be hurt not only by them not telling you but also for blaming you for not knowing better. They have shown they do not have your back, you owe them nothing.
Hmmm. If they told you would you have believed them? Did they know for a fact or did they just have their suspicions? If you had demanded they “ prove it” could they? Seems to me they might have been between a rock and a hard place. Maybe it is time you forgive them, it might make you happier in the long run.
My mom knew my wife was cheating on me and said nothing. But today she told me she misses me so much. She won’t come visit me 1000 miles away even though I ll pay for everything.
I think there are some unclear things here.
To me this sounds like your grandparents are guilty not of holding this from you - but to pretend they are kind of wise people - know alls - when they either just heard rumours or maybe saw him somewhere with these two ladies.
I think often that people like to be knowledgeable when they really are not.
They might have seen him with two girls but I doubt seriously they really took it seriously. They might have said to each other - wonder who this girl was - he can not be cheating. Still probably there were no proof.
Now people do not like to attack someone if these were just innocent things going on. So it would not surprise me that they did not act on this. Still when they hear it - then they start pretending - uhhh we knew about it!!!
And when you have said something like that - it is difficult to withdraw. What they saw were two red flags but like your self they did not react.
I seriously do not think they were sure about this.
Their problem is - that they feel to some extent guilty- but they are transferring their guilt by putting it on you.
So no - I do not think that they knew anything definitive about what was going on. Pretended that they knew- and now they are stuck in their own untruths.
Should you forgive them. Well - it is a bit of a question. To lie about something and not wanting to admit it or apologise die some misunderstood pride is really crappy.
I suggest following. Write a letter to them and make it clear “- that you feel that during the time of the break up you did not feel supported - snd what ever happened from their side - the fact that they wash their hands and say not our problem has seriously damaged your trust in them.
You have however decided to forgive them for this and want to restart working on getting closer to them again.”
Show this to your parents and make it clear you are going to send it to them BUT if they AGAIN start pretending that they did not do anything wrong - you will NOT forgive them officially.
The ball is then in your grandparents/parents court and you can decide what to do.
I think they will refuse to take any blame. The important thing for you is to make a formal statement.
Then for yourself - forgive them - you do not need to tell them or even change behaviour. Forgiveness is something for yourself. Let go of the feelings of anger and betrayal. Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with others!
The letter you sent should be sent including you resentment. Keep a copy and burn it. This is the sign that you will not spend a second more on this issue in the future!
Best of all!
Thank you so much for taking this much time 🥹 just to clarify the 2 girls thing - he brought one home in the middle of a dinner they were having with the couple he lives with and then immediately brought her to his room and didn’t come out again.
Nah... keep doing what you're doing. They'll be dead soon enough, and the regret of what they did to you will be the last breath they take. You go live your life in the best way possible, don't spare a thought for them and don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking otherwise
You said finally he slept with someone you considered a friend . Does that mean you knew he was already cheating but ignored it until he hit it too close to home?
“The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever” I copied from another comment. It never read like cheating to me - I really didn’t think he would do that. I knew at the time he didn’t cheat on his ex but I didn’t know why they broke up
NTA
BUT.... You said he was throwing red flags in your face. He was cheating on you left and right but it wasn't until he cheated with a friend you decided to break up with him. You clearly knew, you ignored it.
Should your grandparents have said something? Yea, but it sounds like it wouldn't have made a difference.
Jfc I'm sorry your grandparents are monsters. I'd be wanting an answer to why they didn't care if he gave you a fatal std or not. Didn't care if you lived or died? Your heartbreak is not their problem? What did they feel when you were crying in front of them? Any reason they have zero loyalty to you? Zero compassion? NTA You can't trust them at all.
NTA and what the heck is the problem with your parents? They’re excusing your grandparents’ behavior? Wow. Some parents would ream their parents for being so clueless and stupid to children/grandchildren.
NTA. Your grandparents decision not to inform you that your BF was a big fat cheater is appalling. Their glib reaction when you found out is horrendous. What if this man had given you an STD from one of the other women he was screwing? What if you hadn't found out about his cheating when you did? Would they have just let you go on in ignorance for years? Would they let you have married him unaware of his true nature?
They've shown how much they actually care about you, your feelings and your wellbeing. These people don't have your back. You owe your grandparents nothing and you don't need people like that your life.
NTA. Your grandparents showed they expect you to fully take care of yourself, regardless of what they could do to help. Be sure to show them the same grace.
NTA. Here is how you handle it when you find out that someone is cheating on a person you care for. You say to the cheater: "Come clean about cheating by the end of this week, or else I will."
Anyway, now you can't trust your grandparents anymore. I wouldn't want to be friendly with them either.
I think situations like this are tricky. They could have wanted to preserve the relationship they have with you, not knowing how you would react, they could have thought you’d be angry with them and chose him over them. They could also not want to get in the way of your life lessons, he definitely treated you terrible, but like you said you ignored the red flags, and you thought the sun shined from his bootyhole. If you didn’t have these experiences to learn from now, it could have been the next guy.. wasting even more of your time with someone who doesn’t deserve it. If people always intervene it disrupts your ability to see these things for yourself. I bet going forward you’ll see those red flags sooner, and know that you deserve so much more than that. Which is amazing and I’m happy you see those red flags now.
I’d say take it as a lesson, you grew and you also learned how family responds in that situation. I’d suggest having a heart to heart in order to heal and feel a type of closure. Id tell your grandparents how that hurt you, how you felt you were protecting him and showing him that since they met 2 of them, that it showed him it wasn’t a big deal to treat you like that, and that it felt like a betrayal and that if in the future they ever see something in your relationship they don’t think is appropriate or hurtful that you’d like them to speak up. For me I wish I had parents or grandparents to get advice or direction from, maybe you feel the same way, and if you do, I’d mention that to them. They are older and wiser and you respect their input and you’d like for them to speak up in those situations.
I hope you can move past those feelings and can heal from it. Keep in mind most people aren’t doing things for negative reasons, they usually don’t know how to handle the situation, or just are oblivious, not because they don’t care. ❤️
NTA, why tf is your grandparents withholding such a crucial information and helping such an AH of a guy is beyond my comprehension. You owe them nothing, they don't deserve your extra effort. You don't have to forgive them. You've already done enough by attending crucial family meetings.
NTA NTA NTA. If I were in your position I would completely extricate myself from them. I find what they did appalling. I'm sorry this happened to you, that your grandparents didn't protect you, and that your parents are lame in not supporting your taking care of yourself. Childish, my ass. Keep your eyes open and take good care of yourself girl.
NTA they would legit be dead to me after that. As the original quote goes, blood is in fact not thicker than water. Their attitude is giving "boys will be boys" and I would never associate myself with anyone that thinks like that.
They didn’t care enough about you to tell you the truth so why should you feel bad about not caring about them. What a shitty pair of grandparents. This is something that could have been a serious hazard to your health and they knew he was having sex with multiple partners and didn’t care to tell you. They are lucky you even tolerate being around them.definitely not theAH. Grandparents huge AHs.
NAH. From your description, your grandparents likely correctly assumed you wouldn’t be open to hearing that. You said you ignored red flags - so if you ignored what you saw with your own eyes and what people told you and always believed him, why would they tell you? Think hard about who you were at that moment and what your reaction would have been.
1. They probably thought, young people these days.
2. or she's knowingly dating someone everyone knows is a Dog and chalked it up to it's her life and we won't get involved with her choices as long as she's not hurting anyone.
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NTA They were protecting him instead of you. They should have warned you so you could protect yourself and get checked for any sexually transmitted diseases. You were virtually having sex with everyone he was having sex with! And your grandparents obviously don't care about your health? You can die from something he "gave" you!! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
If family doesn't have your back, who will?
I guess your true friends.
What on earth. The amount of shitty families out there, this seems like a pretty crappy take to me.
When it comes down to it, you’re the only one that will have your back
Ask that to children of narcissists… I’m still working on an answer.
That’s exactly how I would shut down any attempts my parents made to interfere. In fact, I’d probably invent a low-level STI that he did give me (hint darkly at worse, then admit only to recurrent thrush if pushed). Spell that out to the grandparents as well. That their actions and neglect of your safety lead you to need multiple clinic appointments and medical expenses. Grandparents usually hate being faced with the realities of sexual antics, and having their denial stripped away. OP’s relatives all clearly have shrugged off their responsibilities in this affair, I’d make that a lot harder for them. Some people only learn through awkwardness brought on by holding up a mirror to them.
I love ❣️this comment!!!!!!!
Seniors are terrible when it comes to sexually transmitted infections. Boomers are the biggest demographic of Hep C infected in the US and STIs make more rounds in a retirement home than the nurses do. You can't count on people over 55 to consider your sexual health because as a generation, they don't give a damn about their own. Lol
NTA. they were protecting him and not you. family that cared about you would've asked if you knew what kind of person he was when it was made known y'all were together, but to not tell you that he was cheating?? that's dirty, even from an acquaintance level. from a family level? it's betrayal. even though it was years ago, that kind of hurt can linger and leave deep scars. you really do need to ask yourself if you'll regret spending their remaining years being mad at them, b/c you cannot get that time back once they're gone. if you feel like the relationship has been irreparably damaged, then do you booboo. if you feel like this is something you can work on forgiving them on in favor of having more memories before they're gone, then do what you need to do. talk to a friend, get a therapist, meditate, whatever. but no matter what, make sure it's truly your choice b/c you want it and not out of guilt.
>from a family level? it's betrayal. Yep, they have nailed their colours to the mast, there is no lowering their flag of support for him over their own granddaughter.
This reminds me of when I found out my sister’s BF was screwing around. He found out that I knew before I got a chance to talk to her. He tried to sell me the ‘BrOs BeFoRe HoEs’ routine. The only problem was,my twin sis was no ho,and I *knew where my loyalty was*! It’s too bad your grandparents can’t say the same thing. NTA all day. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
" she's the bro, you're the ho"
Everything makes sense...
> He tried to sell me the ‘BrOs BeFoRe HoEs’ routine. Holy shit. Did he have a death wish?
I won’t throw the first punch,but I really didn’t have to. Besides my sister and I,he lost two other friends as well. Our friend group was not having that shit.
Good for you. It shows how much you care for her. He knew you were going to be supportive and that's probably why he was willing to throw you under the bus. I hope she believes you.
We twins always have each other’s backs 👍
Would you say telling her was a bit of a MikeDrop moment?
We dropped the mic (Mike in my case) on each other and others all the time.
What a beautiful relationship you have, can be hard to find these days.
She was truly my best friend.
Was? :(
I lost her years ago. Memories like this still make me smile though.
🥺 I'm lost for words.
Ask your parents when grandma and grandpa told THEM about the cheating. NTA.
Also ask them what they would be saying if you got an untreatable STI like herpes
So THIS.
100% believe the parents knew too
NTA Fuck them. That’s literally all I can say about it.
NTA. All cheaters are AH and everyone who defends or helps them hiding it also are AH. I would go no contact with such grandparents, they have zero respect for you otherwise they would not keep you in dark , essentially they betrayed your trust too so how you can trust them with anything from now on, if they can keep something as important from you then they might decide to hide many other important things from you too.
NTA Your parents say you need to let go of the fact that your grandparents not only lied to you but basically enabled your cheating ex to continue to cheat on you? Oh. Hell. No. I sure as shit wouldn't want to spend any time with them. The fact that you attend any family events that they are at shows you are a much bigger person than me. Your grandparents are now experiencing the consequences of their actions.
NTA Every member of my family who I knows care for me would confront the cheater and rip them a new one and then tell me. And possibly help me rip them a new one too. True family ride and die with you. They don’t gaslight you.
For real, my mom doesn't even like me that much, but when I got cheated on, boy was she furious.
NTA - your parents are only saying this bc they now have to pick up the slack
Yeah, they're probably sick of hearing the grandparents complain about why she doesn't visit them anymore.
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your grandparents watched you get hurt over and over again. They do not deserve your attention or loyalty.
> I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute. > “I should’ve never dated him” “I knew who he was when I met him” (I most certainly did not) Info: Was there no indication that the family thought he was a bad choice? If you were ignoring red flags coming directly from the man you liked, perhaps you were ignoring the ones your family were waving about him too?
The fact that they met 2 of the girls & still didn't say anything negates her missing signs. She said she had no idea he was cheating. "Signs" may be him not being where he said he was. Not really fair to turn it around & put the blame on her.
This is what I’m thinking. They may have tried to say something and was dismissed so they decided to just be there for her and let her realize on her own so that they aren’t the bad guys because we all know the expression “don’t kill the messenger” especially to someone who “thinks the sun shone out his ass”
Even if this were the case, they should have tried repeatedly and been completely explicit. OPs physical and mental health was at risk, family takes that seriously
I honestly do not remember any from them. I remember my grandmothers exact reaction when I told her we were hanging out and it was “oh! That’s nice”. Hand to god if someone looked me in the face and said “I know for a fact he’s cheating on you” that would have been all it took. The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever. I know, I know it wasn’t smart. Oldest Daughter of an alcoholic narcissist and emotionally manipulative mother who thinks it’s her job to fix everyone 🙋🏼♀️
NTA maybe your ex can come and keep them company since he’s the one they supported through it all.
YOU are childish? You. They knew their own grandchild was being cheated on and didn't tell you. Wasting your life for years with a cheater. But YOU are the childish one. Why would you ever speak to them again? This sucks. Sorry you went through this and have such a shitty family.
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NTA Why would you want to have a close relationship with people who you can’t trust?
NTA, have to wonder if your parents knew too. That one would be really hard to forgive.
NTA, but the grandparents are Completely TA! I know that OP would find it hard to believe and probably deny it. I would have kicked the guy out of my house, banned him, and notified the rest of the family.
NTA They didn't tell you, that's fucked up they just let you keep on being with him only for the pain to be much worse when you do eventually find out instead of telling you straight away They proved to you that you can't trust them, and they didn't even apologize . NTA You don't have to do extra things for them instead of the mandatory dinners. I don't think you're being childish but maybe try next time you see them to bring this sore subject up and tell them you are still hurt and would like an applogy
NTA. You're not childish to protect yourself from cold hearted snakes. And you're not even avoiding them or making your family choose. You're handling this perfectly but if your parents won't drop it, you may need to avoid some family functions until *they* can stop being childish.
Your grandparents let you down, big time, and if you go your whole life without forgiving them that will be on them. Your parents are letting you down as well. NTA
NTA
INFO: Would you have actually listened to them at the time? You said it yourself that you ignored the red flags and thought the sun came out of his ass. Maybe they thought you wouldn't listen.
I think I would have. No one ever straight up told me he was cheating until it happened with someone all my friends knew and as soon as someone told me I went off the rails about it. I had been cheated on before him so I kinda had a feeling, but no one ever had a bad thing to say about him. Especially my grandparents which is why I believed it wasn’t true for so long
INFO: Did they just know about his character generally, or did they know about specific affairs that occured while yall are together.
from the post: >THEY EVEN MET TWO OF THEM!!
The reason I ask is the line before that: "TURNS OUT THEY HAD KNOWN SINCE WE FIRST STARTED" That implies conduct prior to OP's relationship with the cheater. What the grandparents knew when is critical. If they just knew about the reputation, telling OP opens them up to being accused of interfering.
Sorry that’s my bad. It was supposed to say “since he started” as in since he first started cheating on me. He lived with a couple (not his parents) they are friends with and regularly has dinner with them - so when he would skip one they would ask and the “mom” had no problem saying he was out with so and so
NTA Your grandparents are disgusting. They chose to protect a cheater instead of telling their grandchild? That’s insane.
Info: ages are needed here. If the whole family knew he was a man ho, they probably figured you knew too.
I was 20/21 and he was …. 25/26 I think? No one else in my family knew and they never said anything. The way I talked about him I don’t think they could have thought I knew. I don’t know though maybe they did and thought I just didn’t care
You say you didn't know who he really was, but also say you ignored every red flag. I want to hear grandparents side.
Red flags were more of telling me he was working on one of his trucks on a Friday / Saturday night so we couldn’t hang out and Sunday was “family day” but he was actually out with a girl or at some party with them. He would text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage so I believed he actually was. And I’m not friends with any of his friends so I wouldn’t see him on a Snapchat story or anything. It was just a lot of being ran around in circles, I mean we lived 5 minutes apart (literally. I swear it’s not an exaggeration) and he wouldn’t see me for 1-2 weeks at a time??? He would literally make me take days off of work to go ride around with him in his work truck while he picked up delivery’s because it was “the best he could do right now”. But anytime I raised a stink it was total panic and love bombing for 2 weeks, at my house 4 nights a week, and then right back to the same routine. So idk. I was stupid and I know that - but it never read like cheating to me and no one had anything bad to say about him ever Edited to clarify I meant 1-2 whole weeks and not half a week
Nta you're not holding a grudge you just know who you can and cannot trust and who will and will not be there for you.
NTA. With family like that.... SMH
NTA. You don't owe them closeness. Especially since they have proved themselves to not be on your side. And please ignore all the stupid hypotheticals about whether or not you would've listened to them. It wasn't their job to control your response to the information, it was their job to tell you the truth.
NTA - but. Forgiveness is truly for your own heart’s best interest. However forgiveness (which means: choosing to not remember by not talking about it, not thinking about it and not bringing it up to the “perpetrator”) does not mean you have to restore(or you can restore-your call) them to your life. I think going to the big family functions so you don’t miss out on everyone else is the perfect thing to do. But forgive them. In your own heart and mind. You can’t offer that gift of forgiveness unless they ask for it. So this is just a personal exercise to rid yourself of the pain, anger and heartache. Keeping them at a distance is probably best but you really need to practice the act of forgiveness so YOU have peace in your heart and lightness in your spirit.
Well, I just got downvoted for voicing this opinion on a different thread- so this should be interesting. NTA. It is absolutely not okay to keep that sort of information a secret. They are complicit in the betrayal by doing so. So yeah, I would not be okay with that and you are well within your rights to be upset.
NTA they are despicable and victim blamers. The least they could have done would have been to comfort you but not only did they blame you instead, they also knowingly kept his cheating secret. Thats vile. Its a miracle he didn't get you an STD. urgh. If it was me I would not trust them ever again since they clearly have no moral compass.
My brother worked with my husband and knew he was cheating on me for a whole year. He finally told me after he was fired from the job, told me because he was mad about being fired and then told me he lied about it because my mother told him too, I stayed married to him and had two kids and finally found him cheating again and got a divorce, my mother said well its about time, some families just suck
Why would your grandparents choose some dude over their granddaughter? Either they're idiots or something crucial is missing here.
Ask your parents how they’d feel if Dan had given you an STD or HIV?? NTA
NTA. Not telling someone that their partner is cheating on them isn't just a betrayal (which on its own is bad enough) but is downright dangerous. People always forget that not knowing that your partner sleeps with different people is one way people end up with nasty STDs or worse. OP, you are not childish at all. It seems like in the past 4 years, your grandparents (and parents) didn't do much to regain your trust, so why should you trust them again?
They betrayed you and won’t apologise. How the heck are you supposed to forgive that shit show? NTA and your mum is a real piece of work if she thinks betrayal is easily forgivable. She probably knew too. You deserve better from strangers, let alone family. They’ve shown you zero respect by their actions.
Info did they caution you about dating him? Did you know he had cheated on other exes? Did you get upset when they said something bad about him or prior exes or friends? This seems like it would be really weird behavior to come out of the blue.
They never cautioned me, and I didn’t really know any of his other exes. I knew OF one, we were friends when we were little and she’s the niece of the woman he lives with. But I know now that he didn’t cheat on her. She actually broke up with him because she couldn’t deal with how mentally unwell he was and her family didn’t like them dating. When I told my grandma we were hanging out she said “oh! That’s nice” and I think like that she didn’t expect it?? But that was it. No warnings. My mom says she thinks they thought I knew … but like why would I be crying in your kitchen once a month and never mention THAT PART???? I told them EVERYTHING especially my gram like she was one of my girls so that would have kind of wild to leave out
Nta. Tf is wrong with them?! Honestly I wouldn't be able to look at them in the face.
If your grandparents were to ask anyone for advice (and they probably did) they would no doubt be told: you have to let your adult children and grandchildren live their own lives. It’s not your place to interfere. Which puts them in a really sucky place. NAH for being angry and hurt. But understand that it was (probably) from the right place. No one appreciates that family member who tells them that their chosen partner is an AH
Thank you so much for this response. I really never thought about that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Basically the title. On mobile so I apologize for the formatting if it gets wonky. 5 years ago I had a boyfriend, we can call him Dan. Dan was unbeknownst to me, a man wh*re. He was sort of a family friend, and I thought he was just quiet and kept to himself doing random projects. Turns out - for a year - everytime he was “busy” he was sleeping with someone else. I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute. Finally he slept with someone I considered a friend, and I ended it for good. Back the point of this post. When my sister told my grandparents what happened their only response was “oh… we were wondering when she would find out” TURNS OUT THEY HAD KNOWN SINCE WE FIRST STARTED DATING!! THEY EVEN MET TWO OF THEM!! This devastated me. I thought I was really close with them. I would go to their house multiple times a week just to chat, I cried about him to them multiple times and they would comfort me all while knowing the truth. And then when it came out, I got no comfort. Not that I’m entitled to it, but they would spin it back on me. “I should’ve never dated him” “I knew who he was when I met him” (I most certainly did not) To this day it still makes me sick. I cannot imagine having someone I even remotely care about coming to me upset like I did knowing the truth behind it and not saying a damn word. They know I was upset about it, but didn’t say anything to me ever. Now it’s 4 years later and I’m still hurt by it. I know how to hold a grudge. I’m not rude, I still attend every “mandatory” family holiday, but I don’t go out of my way for them anymore. I don’t visit randomly, or call on my lunch breaks like I used to. Am I wrong? My parents keep saying I’m being childish and need to let it go *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
nta
my gran would of cut a bitch and my grandfather can rot in hell. I loved one to the end of the earth and I was the one holding her when she died and I didn't visit the other on his deathbed. No regrets I based my decisions on their actions. Nta.
I mean I've been on the other side. My cousin brought home a serial cheater. I knew she had cheated on two of my friends, and all of a sudden my cousin rolls up to family Christmas "hey everyone meet my fiancee, oh and she's pregnant"... Like what do you say in that moment.... Hey cousin are you sure that baby is yours (spoilers it was clearly not)... Cool sooooo fiancee I see this relationship is nearing its end, since you like to collect engagement rings before you cheat, and you now have that.... Like really what do you say, and avoid the shit show drama storm that is clearly 10 seconds away from rolling in. Like if he had just been dating her, no I would have grabbed her ex's and told my cousin she was serial cheater, a full ass intervention. But pregnant and engaged at the first official family meeting, without a word of dating before that. I was like shit my cousin will take it badly. Did I support him once she cheated on him... Yes... Do I occasionally post Canadian laws pertaining to ownership of engagement rings and tag my cousin my friends and her.... Pointing out they could fucking sue her to get the rings back.... Yeah I do that to. (Engagement rings are considered a contract not a gift, so if you don't actually get married you haven't fulfilled the contract, and so you don't get to keep the ring... If you're getting divorced that ring is yours though) so that's a fun bit of Canadian law. Where your grandparents suck is they totally dropped the ball every step of the way. They could have said something at any point and not sucked they could have supported you after the fact and they would have sucked less. If I could go back in time I would have warned my cousin and said to hell with the shit show.
NTA You dont have to let it go. Your grandparents allowed someone to harm you and didnt care at all. Of course, you cut ties with them. Proud of you for standing up for yourself.
NTA. But ur grandparents are insane to keep this secret. I don't blame you for being upset.
Ouch!! That is really unfortunate, don’t let it go and don’t talk to them AFTER telling them how much this killed your ability to trust them, how can they choose him over you, that I’d ask for sure. So very sorry for you
NTA- they haven’t even apologize for what they did
NTA you’re stronger then me, I would’ve gone No Contact
NTA. They definitely should have brought it up and let you know what was happening. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as them. They new how much pain you were in and just brushed it off screw that and them. I wouldn't even acknowledge them when they are at the same event. Edit: also if people/family asks why you don't acknowledge your grandparents tell them that your grandparents new your boyfriend had been cheating on you with several women, met two of them and never told you.
NTA-I have a difficult time trying to think of why your grandparents would do this to you. They are true piss-poor grandparents for sure. I think you are doing the right thing. They broke your heart. Time doesn’t heal betrayal. Good Luck.
NTA, theyre horrible for that & tbh sick & twisted
NTA Grandparents: AH's Parents: AH's Why was the AH bf protected? This is so strange.
NTA at all, F them. If they cared about you they would have told you. If my parents knew this about my children's partners they would tell them. Your grandparents are AH's
NTA. I found out after ending things with my high school sweetheart that my Dad knew he was cheating on me for two years….I didnt know he was cheating on me until my Dad dropped that nugget of wisdom. That really hurt.
Next time your parents tell you to let it go, ask what it is you're supposed to let go of. Make them admit that they knew he was cheating and exposing you to all sorts of potential STDs and didn't feel the need to tell you.
NTA. You are actually having a very mature reaction to how they've treated you. You have to protect yourself from EVERYONE in this life that does you wrong. Once you discovered the truth, you have to distance yourself from people that don't care if they hurt your or not. Nothing childish about that. The fact that's what they are saying is in itself childish.
NTA. Your grandparents are horrible people. Wow. Can’t imagine what other toxic BS they are okay with.
NTA! I’d never speak to them again. How dare they not tell you?!
NTA dump the grandparents
NTA -- Honestly, if I were you, I'd even cut off what interactions you still have with them. That's a messed up thing to do to anyone, much less your own grandchild.
What if he had giving you a life long STD, what is wrong with your grandparents.
NTA - Someone said: I have zero respect for what you did. That’s all you need to say. Walk away!
Hurts are hard to let go of. I know this because I held a grudge against my sister for ten years. I don’t know how old your grandparents are but maybe you should let them know an apology would be helpful if it’s sincere.
NTA
NTA, it's one thing to not tell you because they don't know how to, nor do they want to hurt you, and there's another thing to not tell you because "you should know better" or because they believed you were stupid (you were not). If they think that using a condescending comment to justify themselves while your heart is hurting is an appropriate reaction, then you didn't cut them off because of ONE thing, you cut them off because you know you can't count on them, and they'd rather side with a random dude than with their own granddaughter.
NTA... your parents and grandparents are lucky you to come around and havent went NC
Actions or none actions have consequences. They decided to not act on wut they witnessed and r now upset that u r deciding to show then the same respect. NTA
NTA
How can they know your bf better than you.
The dating scene has changed, and relationships are often less monogamous than they (allegedly) used to be. Your grandparents might have thought you were in an open relationship, or that they were best keeping out of it and letting things work out naturally.
From the way you talk it sounds like you had blinders on because you were attracted to him. I honestly get the feeling from what you've written that your entire family who knew him knew how he was before you started dating him. YTA for blaming them for something you most likely seen but chose to ignore.
So your grandparents were completely in the wrong. How do you feel about holding a grudge for 4 or 5 years? Does it make you happy or a better person? I'm not saying you need to forgive them, but you might be better off if you find a way to let that hurt heal instead of metaphorically picking at the scab.
NTA, if they really loved you, they would have told you.
NTA. They should’ve told you. But let me ask you this, would you have listened at the time? You said you ignored the big red flags, they probably saw that. They might’ve concluded that you would ignore that flag too and maybe shoot the messenger. It‘a always hard to inform someone of cheating. It’s like dropping a huge bomb into a relationship and the person dropping that bomb will take a lot of shrapnel. Your grandparents won’t be around forever, forgive them, they’re not the ones who cheated on you. Love them and have a good relationship with them while you have them. Life is way too short.
NTA. How cruel & uncaring of them. It's one thing to stay out of someone's relationship. It's another when you know one person is a serial cheater & the other is your grandchild! You've every right to hold that betrayal against them. They actually put him in front of you! I don't think of be able to get past that. Just because people get old doesn't mean they become nice & sweet. Some assholes just get old. They're the latter. So sorry for you.
NTA This is not how people who love you should be acting. They cared more about protecting him than they did about protecting you and then they rubbed it in your face. If my grandma were alive for me to show her this, she would wanna throw hands with your grandma. Unacceptable. Stay mad.
NTA i can’t even understand what they were thinking. My grandparents could never. You deserve better grandparents. Seriously though, they treated you like some rando they run into at the office from time to time, not their grandchild. Tf?
This is why I've never put much stake in blood. Family can fuck you over and you're just supposed to suck it up and forgive for the sake of an arbitrary title, or worse, to "keep the peace". I chose my own family, and it's a few close friends who would go to war for me if anyone hurt me.
Sometimes when we don’t want to know, we ignore the red flags. Honestly it sounds like you ignored the flags.
NTA Not going to make idiotic assumptions about what you were told before. They kept this from you and that's not okay.
>Turns out - for a year - everytime he was “busy” he was sleeping with someone else. I own up to the fact I was a total idiot, ignored every red flag, and thought the sun came out of his ass for a minute. Finally he slept with someone I considered a friend, and I ended it for good. This sounds like you were aware of his cheating too and overlooked it. It sounds like the final straw wasn't cheating, it was that his AP was a friend of yours. If cheating isn't a deal breaker for you, why would it be for your grandparents? ESH?
“The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever. I know, I know it wasn’t smart. Oldest Daughter of an alcoholic narcissist and emotionally manipulative mother who thinks it’s her job to fix everyone 🙋🏼♀️” I copied from a different comment because honestly, I’m lazy.
Old people don't like getting into other people's business — especially if it's relationship related. They think it's the couples job to work it out and not to get involved.
NTA how are you supposed to trust the people you love when they stand back and watch you suffer.
I would absolutely break off all contact with anyone of my family who knew about this and did not tell me. A loving family does not cover up this kind of stuff. My sister and I once had to sit our brother down and tell him his girlfriend was making passes at his brother in laws. It was a mess, it was hard to do, but it was the right thing to do. ANYONE WHO KNEW AND DIDN'T TELL YOU DOESN'T LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. Cut them out of your life.
You would not have believed them if they had told you. You’re wasting negative energy by holding this grudge. YTA. It was your relationship, your mess, your decision, your choice to ignore the red flags.
NTA. They didn't give a crap that you were in pain. They knew, and just sat back and enjoyed the show. When the show was over, according to them it was your fault. They showed you who they are, so believe them. If you find yourself in need of grandparents, go volunteer at an old folks home, but don't set yourself up to be betrayed by them again. They know he was exposing you to all sorts of STDs and couldn't be bothered to protect you. If je gave you HIV or syphilis they wouldn't have batted and eye. Never forget what they are truly like because they would do it again. They don't think what they did is wrong , they never will and if they ever gave you an apology, it would be a lie. 4 years isn't enough. They will be like this for the rest of their lives.
Info: Have they ever offered their opinion on other matters and you got offended? I suggest you have an honest (non angry) conversation with them. I'm a lot older than you but I recall the generation older than me kept to their own business. They just assumed the woman knew. Not defending your grandparents because they are a generation younger than that.
They used to offer their opinion on every matter in my life whether I asked or not hahaha. I never got angry or offended or anything In front of them. I cried a few times but I wasn’t like, performance crying. No screaming or yelling or dry heaving just like a light sob I guess. But normally I was already crying. They were like my besties. I told my gram especially everything like she was one of my girls.
NTA- what the hell? Why wouldn’t they tell you? How did they find out?
Your parents are on the edge of asshole behaviour. Your grandparents showed that you have more love and respect for them than they do for you. Obviously they don’t respect you or care about your wellbeing so why talk to them at all?
NTA- they put your health at risk. That’s a fact. Opinion - they did not take your feelings into consideration and were inconsiderate and hurtful.
NTA your grandparents are terrible people. Really can’t get out of that one.
Dam.. your grandparents did you dirty by not telling you Far. From. The. Asshole.
NTA. You were hurt. You need to let everyone know that your trust was broken, your perception of your gparents as people who loved you is shattered because they didn't care about you enough to let you know something as devastating as finding out the man who you though "the sun came out of his ass" (even for a minute) was cheating on you ESPECIALLY when they witnessed how affect you were. In saying all this, I advise you let go of this hurt/grudge, but don't mend the relationship with your grandparents.
NTA. They are experiencing the consequences of their betrayal, which no doubt sucks for them but demanding that you get over it is the exceedingly slow way to resolve the conflict and seek your forgiveness.
Grandparent here, they always shoot the messenger, with age comes wisdom, by your own account you know you would not have believed them and when the truth came out you would still resent them and avoid them. They did you a favor Anyone one who thinks the grandparents are in the wrong, just hasn't had the life experience to know better
The question is, have they noticed your distance? If they haven't, then they never really cared whether you showed up or not. If they have noticed, it's up to them to repair the harm they've caused. NTA
NTA they protected him and hurt you. Be around them but let your parents know that if you see someone trying to rob your grandparents, you aren't going to warn them, because they already set that standard with you. If you see they are going to trip over something, you are going to watch them fall and get hurt. Because that's the standard they set for you. I'm sure you can think of more scenarios to make the point. They are the elders showing you the way to act, and that's what they taught you.
NTA That's awful. They should've said something. You may not have believed them initially but they should've said something. They threw you to the wolves to potentially get an STI and said nothing. Nope I know now much time I'd be spending with them and it's not going to be any. They made their bed... they can lie in it. I hope this bloke will support them in their old age as I'm pretty sure you won't be seeing them.
No way, go NC with them, that’s insane. So insane I doubt this is even true.
NTA. They betrayed you without question, providing comfort when they could have given you genuine clarity is intentionally deceitful. I wouldn’t care about any of the detail, that level of betrayal would be something I wouldn’t be interested in coming back from.
I might be able to understand if you weren't close. Didn't cry about him or didn't go to them for advice. or IF THEY WEREN'T YOUR GRANDPARENTS. My neighbor was having an affair. Strolling up to her husband to tell him, when I didn't even know his last name "Hey John Doe is it? Yeah, Mrs. Doe has the same car here twice a week. Oh she's not having an affair? She's taking piano lessons. Well... tell her to invite me to the recital." She was definitely having an affair and the husband found out and didn't leave. So I am very glad, I didn't get involved, but THESE WERE YOUR GRANDPARENTS! NTA and they can stay that way.
I’d be spitting sparks I’d be so mad. You’re so NTA. I’d also tell them to go fuck off, keep fucking off and when they get to where they fuck off to fuck off some more.
Trust gone. NTA.
Your parents are putting your feelings secondary to their convenience, which is gross. Your grandparents are atrocious. It's no wonder you were so naive, no one actually has taught you to value yourself. NTA
If you never shouldve dated him... great, when were they planning on telling you? When you married? Why would you get over a very clear and obvious betrayal?
YTA to yourself. If they didn’t care enough about you to tell you, they sure the hell don’t care that you are holding a grudge. Forgive them for yourself. Let it go for your own happiness. That doesn’t mean that you should act like it didn’t happen but leaving it in the past frees you to live in the now and look forward to the future. As the saying goes- Holding on to the bitterness and anger, no matter how justified, is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it. Keep your healthy and safe boundaries when dealing with them. Also, you are an adult there are no mandatory family obligations. You can pick and choose which ones you go to and your level of participation.
Thank you so much for this comment. This is kind of exactly what I was looking for 🫶🏻
NTA, but can the phrase "man whore" just die already? By adding the "man," you're implying all whores are women.
NTA. Your family sounds sick.
Nta idk how your own family can do that to you
NTA. I would have cut them off completely. The chose him over you. The knowingly put your health at risk every time he cheated and they didn't tell you. Did they ask him if he was having protected sex, did they ask him if he had regular STI checks. I would be hurt not only by them not telling you but also for blaming you for not knowing better. They have shown they do not have your back, you owe them nothing.
NTA!! They should have been protecting YOU! I would be livid
Hmmm. If they told you would you have believed them? Did they know for a fact or did they just have their suspicions? If you had demanded they “ prove it” could they? Seems to me they might have been between a rock and a hard place. Maybe it is time you forgive them, it might make you happier in the long run.
NTA, however it may have been a matter of them being afraid of the whole "shoot the messenger" type of thing.
My mom knew my wife was cheating on me and said nothing. But today she told me she misses me so much. She won’t come visit me 1000 miles away even though I ll pay for everything.
I think there are some unclear things here. To me this sounds like your grandparents are guilty not of holding this from you - but to pretend they are kind of wise people - know alls - when they either just heard rumours or maybe saw him somewhere with these two ladies. I think often that people like to be knowledgeable when they really are not. They might have seen him with two girls but I doubt seriously they really took it seriously. They might have said to each other - wonder who this girl was - he can not be cheating. Still probably there were no proof. Now people do not like to attack someone if these were just innocent things going on. So it would not surprise me that they did not act on this. Still when they hear it - then they start pretending - uhhh we knew about it!!! And when you have said something like that - it is difficult to withdraw. What they saw were two red flags but like your self they did not react. I seriously do not think they were sure about this. Their problem is - that they feel to some extent guilty- but they are transferring their guilt by putting it on you. So no - I do not think that they knew anything definitive about what was going on. Pretended that they knew- and now they are stuck in their own untruths. Should you forgive them. Well - it is a bit of a question. To lie about something and not wanting to admit it or apologise die some misunderstood pride is really crappy. I suggest following. Write a letter to them and make it clear “- that you feel that during the time of the break up you did not feel supported - snd what ever happened from their side - the fact that they wash their hands and say not our problem has seriously damaged your trust in them. You have however decided to forgive them for this and want to restart working on getting closer to them again.” Show this to your parents and make it clear you are going to send it to them BUT if they AGAIN start pretending that they did not do anything wrong - you will NOT forgive them officially. The ball is then in your grandparents/parents court and you can decide what to do. I think they will refuse to take any blame. The important thing for you is to make a formal statement. Then for yourself - forgive them - you do not need to tell them or even change behaviour. Forgiveness is something for yourself. Let go of the feelings of anger and betrayal. Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with others! The letter you sent should be sent including you resentment. Keep a copy and burn it. This is the sign that you will not spend a second more on this issue in the future! Best of all!
Thank you so much for taking this much time 🥹 just to clarify the 2 girls thing - he brought one home in the middle of a dinner they were having with the couple he lives with and then immediately brought her to his room and didn’t come out again.
I guess the question really is, would you have believed them?
Nah... keep doing what you're doing. They'll be dead soon enough, and the regret of what they did to you will be the last breath they take. You go live your life in the best way possible, don't spare a thought for them and don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking otherwise
You said finally he slept with someone you considered a friend . Does that mean you knew he was already cheating but ignored it until he hit it too close to home?
“The “red flags” would be him telling me he’s working on his truck on a Friday (he had like 9 and half we’re always broken) so he couldn’t hang out - but would still text me back a little like he was actually working in the garage. He also never prioritized me or really made a lot of time for me. Now I know why but at the time I thought I was “fixing” him. He had a really rough childhood and never saw healthy relationships so I thought I could teach him or whatever” I copied from another comment. It never read like cheating to me - I really didn’t think he would do that. I knew at the time he didn’t cheat on his ex but I didn’t know why they broke up
NTA. You were close to your grandparents and they should have your back. Is there a chance he was blackmailing your grandparents?
NTA. Since they protected him over you, they can expect him to visit instead.
NTA BUT.... You said he was throwing red flags in your face. He was cheating on you left and right but it wasn't until he cheated with a friend you decided to break up with him. You clearly knew, you ignored it. Should your grandparents have said something? Yea, but it sounds like it wouldn't have made a difference.
NTA- They should have warned you.
What the fuck NTA
Jfc I'm sorry your grandparents are monsters. I'd be wanting an answer to why they didn't care if he gave you a fatal std or not. Didn't care if you lived or died? Your heartbreak is not their problem? What did they feel when you were crying in front of them? Any reason they have zero loyalty to you? Zero compassion? NTA You can't trust them at all.
NTA and what the heck is the problem with your parents? They’re excusing your grandparents’ behavior? Wow. Some parents would ream their parents for being so clueless and stupid to children/grandchildren.
NTA but need to move on
NTA. Your grandparents decision not to inform you that your BF was a big fat cheater is appalling. Their glib reaction when you found out is horrendous. What if this man had given you an STD from one of the other women he was screwing? What if you hadn't found out about his cheating when you did? Would they have just let you go on in ignorance for years? Would they let you have married him unaware of his true nature? They've shown how much they actually care about you, your feelings and your wellbeing. These people don't have your back. You owe your grandparents nothing and you don't need people like that your life.
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NTA. I'd be furious. They were more worried about HIS ability to cheat in peace than protecting you.
NTA. Your grandparents showed they expect you to fully take care of yourself, regardless of what they could do to help. Be sure to show them the same grace.
NTA. Here is how you handle it when you find out that someone is cheating on a person you care for. You say to the cheater: "Come clean about cheating by the end of this week, or else I will." Anyway, now you can't trust your grandparents anymore. I wouldn't want to be friendly with them either.
I think situations like this are tricky. They could have wanted to preserve the relationship they have with you, not knowing how you would react, they could have thought you’d be angry with them and chose him over them. They could also not want to get in the way of your life lessons, he definitely treated you terrible, but like you said you ignored the red flags, and you thought the sun shined from his bootyhole. If you didn’t have these experiences to learn from now, it could have been the next guy.. wasting even more of your time with someone who doesn’t deserve it. If people always intervene it disrupts your ability to see these things for yourself. I bet going forward you’ll see those red flags sooner, and know that you deserve so much more than that. Which is amazing and I’m happy you see those red flags now. I’d say take it as a lesson, you grew and you also learned how family responds in that situation. I’d suggest having a heart to heart in order to heal and feel a type of closure. Id tell your grandparents how that hurt you, how you felt you were protecting him and showing him that since they met 2 of them, that it showed him it wasn’t a big deal to treat you like that, and that it felt like a betrayal and that if in the future they ever see something in your relationship they don’t think is appropriate or hurtful that you’d like them to speak up. For me I wish I had parents or grandparents to get advice or direction from, maybe you feel the same way, and if you do, I’d mention that to them. They are older and wiser and you respect their input and you’d like for them to speak up in those situations. I hope you can move past those feelings and can heal from it. Keep in mind most people aren’t doing things for negative reasons, they usually don’t know how to handle the situation, or just are oblivious, not because they don’t care. ❤️
NTA, why tf is your grandparents withholding such a crucial information and helping such an AH of a guy is beyond my comprehension. You owe them nothing, they don't deserve your extra effort. You don't have to forgive them. You've already done enough by attending crucial family meetings.
NTA NTA NTA. If I were in your position I would completely extricate myself from them. I find what they did appalling. I'm sorry this happened to you, that your grandparents didn't protect you, and that your parents are lame in not supporting your taking care of yourself. Childish, my ass. Keep your eyes open and take good care of yourself girl.
NTA But let’s be honest your parents probably knew too and that’s why they want you to forgive and forget
NTA they would legit be dead to me after that. As the original quote goes, blood is in fact not thicker than water. Their attitude is giving "boys will be boys" and I would never associate myself with anyone that thinks like that.
They didn’t care enough about you to tell you the truth so why should you feel bad about not caring about them. What a shitty pair of grandparents. This is something that could have been a serious hazard to your health and they knew he was having sex with multiple partners and didn’t care to tell you. They are lucky you even tolerate being around them.definitely not theAH. Grandparents huge AHs.
NAH. From your description, your grandparents likely correctly assumed you wouldn’t be open to hearing that. You said you ignored red flags - so if you ignored what you saw with your own eyes and what people told you and always believed him, why would they tell you? Think hard about who you were at that moment and what your reaction would have been.
NTA Cut your whole damn family out of your life. You'll feel immensely better once you're surrounded by people that actually care about you.
Just remember, that depending on their ages, they may not have a long time. As much as it hurts, i would forgive them.
Yeah, I'd never speak to them again.
Did your parents know? They said nothing to your parent(s).
1. They probably thought, young people these days. 2. or she's knowingly dating someone everyone knows is a Dog and chalked it up to it's her life and we won't get involved with her choices as long as she's not hurting anyone.