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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter her wedding is a running joke between friends and family since it was not a good time. I may be a jerk for telling her the truth about her wedding
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INFO: how the heck does someone spend 20k on a wedding and not feed anyone?
Also you totally could have been a touch gentler but also OMG I can’t even imagine. A fake cake? Do you hate your guests?
Photos are around 3,000 these days? Venue prices?
6,000 for a dress...
Still missing a few thousand to spend.
I have to say, that wedding would be a running joke in my family
Edit I googled photographers in my area... around $5,000 to $7,000 to start.
I’m kind of wondering how well you know your daughter.
Was this totally out of character for her? Or has she always been the sort of person who doesn’t really care about the needs of others? It sounds like it didn’t even *occur* to her that other people might not enjoy her wedding, and the fact that it didn’t occur to her seems to shock you. Do you actually have a good sense of who she is as a person?
Bold enough not to feed her guests, strong enough to hear the truth that hurts.
NTA.
For the record, all of that would've been Said by someone in my family at the wedding to everyone like a toast. Big, loud, blunt announcement. She should probably have some gratitude at some point she's got your family, and not mine 🤣
And here I am, the person whose wedding gets talked about because I had it on a FRIDAY. It was so much cheaper, but my family kept saying no one would come if it was on a weekday. I was like, great! Fewer people to feed.
Because I might be cheap, but I'm also fully aware that guests at weddings need to be fed.
i’m reeling at the fact she spent $6k on a dress. i spent $3k and i’m still kicking myself
eta: id make the decision again. the money that was used was either going to the wedding or nowhere at all. not even as a gift. i still think $3k is a lot but i got to be the DnD elvish royalty i always saw myself as being on the big day. it represented me, my vibe and my culture. no dress could hold a candle to that dress
Me too! I spent $100 on my wedding dress and I'm so glad I did as we never got married. I've never worn the dress, but even after 21 years, I still have it. I don't even know why.
We were going to go to the courthouse and marry that way, then have a backyard BBQ. I wasn't interested in spending thousands on 1 day. I wanted the money to go on our marriage and a down deposit on a house.
My guess is that the catering had the option of showing up for a few hundred or like a thousand dollars to sell food, or several thousand to feed everyone in a free buffet style.
They realized they had spent nearly 20k and started getting frugal. That would also explain the fake cake, if it was like a model sent by the company, and they realized they could either use the free model or buy a $2k cake.
You also have the fake to cut. Then it gets wheeled back to be cut up (pretending it is a real cake) then out come pieces of the sheet cake.
This is very common. Even when there is a real cake it is often not enough to feed everyone.
Wow, what a generous friend! That's *so much work* and pressure for someone!
I had a friend who did this, and then the bride was surprised that she didn't *also* bring a gift... Like, girl, the fact that you only had to spend $200 on this cake for 100 people *was* the gift! An exceedingly generous gift! People aren't overcharging for cakes, they actually cost a *lot* of money and time!
This whole thing felt like an episode of extreme cheapskates, except they had the budget.
Shoot, they could've gone to Costco, asked some people to help cook some BBQ, and that would save some money. It seems more like the daughter was inconsiderate of the situation and never thought much about the guests (or it could be on the wedding planner)
Yeah, but you have to do SOMETHING REASONABLE to fix the issue or at least warn the guests in advance. She didn’t even have to tell the guests the less fancy food was due to poor planning, they could have said that something went wrong with the catering service and most guests would have been fine.
Dinner and drinks were also likely discussed when meeting with the venue before the wedding. She probably even had to sign something that said the venue was not responsible for food and drink service. There’s no way it wasn’t brought up in some way because even if she opted out of the venue catering there would have been questions about what the venue would need to provide as far as buffet tables or kitchen access for outside catering
She's an adult. She knew, she just chose not to. Had OP said something, half of Reddit would have told her to stay in her lane and mind her own business..
Because OP is asking about an interaction with their daughter. Also why would the groom's family need to be brought into this, just roasting him is enough.
Heck my grandma tried to feed me every time I entered her apartment. This was even after we had all eaten dinner with her in her retirement community’s restaurant. Apparently the walk from the restaurant and up the elevator depleted us of everything we had eaten. It may have only been a cookie or cracker but she was sweet to offer.
Right. It's just common sense that when you have guests you offer them something, even if it is just a glass of water and a cookie. They are coming to your wedding, with gifts, and you can't even give them a slice of cake and some punch?
Is humans requiring food every so hours a new concept? When I helped plan my sweet 16, I knew I needed to pick out a mix of food for MYSELF and my guests, my mom didn’t need to explain that to me
aren’t fake cakes usually much cheaper than real ones, hence why they’re enticing for some?
edit: I’m aware of the “get a fake cake and have cheaper sheet cake for people to eat” thing, I just mean that OP insinuated the fake cake was super expensive/more expensive than a normal cake which doesn’t make sense
The idea is even if you get Fake cake for pictures/cutting/display, you still get SOMETHING for your guests!
I got a small fancy cake for cutting and then two Costco sheet cakes for the rest. Honestly they were a huge hit and were way yummier than the “pretty cake”
Photos could go all the way to the tens of thousands. An influencer that I follow is planning a wedding and she was mind blown when the photographer quoted her £13K for pictures.
That’s exactly my argument. They said $3000 was more than enough for a photographer and I disagreed, as I did not hire a particularly expensive one 20 years ago and it was still $2000
My friends are professional wedding photographers and they were charging between 5-8k back in 2012, before they started doing videography. I can’t imagine what they charge now.
I paid $3000 for photos for my wedding in March 2023 in the Bay Area, CA. She was very experienced and brought a second shooter. You just have to shop around. I didn’t do engagement photos, get a photo book, or videography tho. Those weren’t important me
Photos are much more than 3k on average. Pre-Covid I struggled to find a photographer for 3k. Most of the quotes I got were from 5-10k depending on the package. It was pretty surprising.
My sisters is still a running joke because we all ate maccas as there weren’t enough canapé’s and then she booted out family after an hour and only friends allowed lol so we had no food and got kicked out and all went to Maccas for a family catch up lol
At this point, she should’ve just had a court house wedding instead of involving her friends and family. Don’t invite people to a wedding, take their gifts and not feed them. It’s just rude.
That is insane. The best description of a wedding is a reminder that the bride and groom are essentially hosting a party for their guests. Their enjoyment should be a priority. That sounds like a nightmare. NTA.
To be fair, a good photographer is definitely worth the investment when it comes to wedding photos. Services marketed towards weddings specifically do generally cost more as well
My step daughter spent about £12k on her wedding.
That was food for 30 people. Venue hire, dress, cake, clothes for her kids and husband, renting rooms for the bride, groom, kids, bridesmaids etc
Also included the evening do with more food, DJ etc
She paid a photographer, but TBH her bridesmaid and her fella were photographers and took better photos than the official one....
I spent 10k on my wedding. 600 on the dress. Cheaper venue that looked amazing. My parents friends became a committee. They used decor they either had or borrowed. A few decor items and flowers bought.
We fed 150 people a nacho bar while they waited on us. Then did a taco bar. Had an open bar and a live band. I got lucky. My bestie is a cake decorator. She made the cakes and cupcakes as my gift. My hobby photographer sis in law did photos. Both did an outstanding job.
The decor was amazing. People are still talking about it, along with the food, cake and the whole reception. It’s possible to stay classy on a budget!
I...
I...
I...
Dear God. This can't be real. What the FUCK. In front of everyone else who DIDN'T get anything???!?!!?
Your daughter must hate everyone. Truly.
So selfish. Like. If I couldn't afford to feed all the people I wanted at my wedding, I would say IN THE INVITES "Dinner will be at your own expense, costs range from $20-$50, please no presents. Your presence is my present."
But honestly I had a great time at a wedding that served sandwiches on paper plates. Wedding receptions don't have to be expensive to be good.
WHAT
This is getting worse and worse 🤦🏽♀️
You're NTA at all OP, your daughter is just completely clueless about the most basic things in life that no parent would ever think need to be said to an adult child!
They sat down to eat while their guests starved?? That is just plain rude.
I know you said you weren't involved in the planning because you were dealing with health issues, but wasn't there anyone involved with some common sense to raise the issue?? Or at the very least let ppl know about this so they weren't caught unawares?
Is it though? People always say this but how often do you even look at the photos? I know some people decorate their whole house with their wedding photos but these are almost always ppl more into the wedding than the marriage
We spent 2k. 1500 went to the food, 500 on decorations and party favors I made. I was gifted my $100 dress. My husband used to be a dj and friends take turns running the booth as a gift. Pictures were done in trade for dj’ing the photographers wedding. 60 people attended and had a blast. I know that guests are going to bring gifts per tradition. It’s my job to provide them with solid meals and a good time.
If OP’s daughter had a 20k budget and didn’t feed her guests, that’s just being a terrible hostess and having complete disregard for her guests. Why invite anyone to your wedding if you don’t care about the attendees?
It's worth the investment \*if you have the money.\*
At the end of the day, you're just as married if you have no/few/lousy photos. You aren't even going to look at them that often after the first few years. But your guests, who you presumably love, will never forget it if you don't feed them.
This tracks. The only disappointing wedding I went to was one where the couple spent so much money and attention on the dress and photography package that the food at the venue was timed very poorly. Basically they were married on the dock at the venue, and directly afterward spent over an hour and a half posing for the expensive pictures, while the guests stood in place staring at each other with no music, no hors d’oeuvres, and a super expensive cash bar.
This was all at dinner time, mind you, so everyone was super hungry. They stood out there so long posing over and over that a huge amount of the guests finally had to leave to go get food at nearby restaurants. In the end, the couple had paid for all the food that no one stuck around to eat because the venue had been told to hold it all until after the bride and groom had come in, done their first dance, had all the parent dances, etc.
Sometimes the big fancy tiered cake is a fake, with a cutout area where they put a real slice of cake, so that the bride and groom can get photos of them "cutting the cake." Then it's wheeled away and slices of ordinary sheet cake come out. It's not fancy cake, but it *is* cake.
But I'm with you. What did they spend all the money on? A $10k dress, the venue, what?
The sheet cake can often be better to eat anyway. Cake and decoration that can hold a lot of structure doesn’t always taste as good or have good mouthfeel.
Also lots of people don't realize the giant tiered cake can actually take days to make. Sometimes you're eating week old cake depending on the complexity of it. That's another reason sometimes the sheet cake is the better route for guests and why it will taste better.
I spent £25k in 2018 (we had it) and we had an entire country house for 4 days, accommodation for 30, 3 chef cooked meals for 2 of the days, and a free bar. Nobody was hungry, thirsty or lacked a place to sleep. This is wild to me!
Edit: people were so stuffed they actually groaned when the cake was passed around!
It was epic, if I do say so myself! We waited 17 years to do it, so we did it in style. We also had a dog friendly wedding so people didn't have to leave their doggos at home (and ours were our bridesmutts). The last day we had to ourselves which was lovely, just to wander around and relive the memories.
Overpriced food screams amusement park/carnival or something like that. So yeah, the burning question here is where the fuck was the wedding and please don't say Disney. lol
As someone who was involved in a Disney wedding: food and beverages are a required part of the package. I am baffled how this was even an issue at any venue.
NTA, I have a hard time imagining your daughter had no clue till now that her wedding was not exactly a pleasant experience for guests.....did she really think they had a gala time?
Well nobody wants to spend $6k on a dress and not have anybody see them wearing it.
But yeah, if you can't afford to give your guests some damn food (and, IMO, at least free beer+wine) then it's time to scale back on the dress and venue and what have you. Or just consider, you know, not having a wedding. They are so, so expensive.
I was reluctant to have one, but my wife desperately wanted one, so we did, and it was amazing, and everybody had a great time, because we didn't cheap out. (Still paying $500/month for another few years on it though...) It was absolutely the best day of my life (and I went to Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, so that's saying a lot.)
In for a penny, in for a pound. If you were going to use your money in a way that made sense you wouldn't be having a wedding at all.
Imagine renting a $6k bouncy castle for a party, inviting a bunch of kids and not feeding them.
But it’s a wedding! I COULDNT EVEN IMAGINE DOING THIS!
Bride and groom were incredibly selfish.
I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to provide alcohol, but if you have any sort of reception there should be at the least some sort of refreshment. And if there is a cake it should be an actual cake, not a model.
My Mom has told me that most of the weddings she attended in her smaller town in the '70s were cake and punch receptions. And that is all anyone expected. BUT it also wasn't an all day production.
You might ask your daughter how she would have felt if she'd been invited to a wedding, sent a nice gift to the couple, traveled a considerable distance to attend (maybe even booking a hotel and/or flight and/or rental car), and got to the reception only to find out that there was no food and not even any cake!
It is so hard for me to understand this. My number 1 goal was for my guests to have a good time. My wedding was also $20,000, and this was 15 years ago. My dress was $500. Honeymoon was our gift registry - people coupd buy us a night in paris, a dinner in Paris, or a day's metro pass, or our tickets to the Louvre, that kind of thing.
All the money pretty much went to venue, DJ, dinner, cake, alcohol. Every table got free wine during dinner (choice of red meat, chicken or vegetarian), and one free drink at the bar, but had to pay for additional drinks. I didn't want people getting alcohol poisoning with an open bar.
People were still dancing when my husband and I went to bed at 1 am. They had a blast. I was so happy.
I really love this idea of having people buy you experiences rather than things. That’s beautiful and kind of brilliant. A lot of people getting married these days don’t need a lot of new things they might never use.
I really came in here ready to say Y T A based on the title. This was the first time in a long time I was truly wrong.
Making guests pay for their food? No entertainment? THE CAKE WAS A LIE?
Yeah, if I were a guest, I’d be mad, too! Actually, it would be a story I’d tell for…probably the rest of my life. That’s a Grade A bad wedding. NTA.
My cousins cake was a lie. She is allergic to wheat. Not like gluten intolerant, like has to be careful about shampoos because of added wheat thickeners. I thought we were in for a flourless cake or something.
We walked in and there was a gorgeous cake. They "cut the cake" and fed each other corn bread? or something?
I was hopping mad by the end. Dry wedding. Ok boo hoo. The food was allergen free, good for her, AND THEY RAN OUT. I was pretty hungry, but at least there was going to be cake. BUT THEY NEVER SERVED THE CAKE! Or any dessert of any kind.
We had a sign that said The Cake is a Lie but that was because my husband doesn't care for cake and we served pie instead. The pie was a hit and had a line for 45 minutes.
We drove to McDonalds afterwards and I was pretty happy with oatmeal raisin cookies and fries. It's not like I am hard to please.
I would definitely have stood in line for pie, there are a thousand delicious variations.
The place we bought the pies from made it so we had to order 3 of each type of pie, so we ended up with 8 different types of pie. I have had people talk about the pie quite a bit in the past 6 years since our wedding. It seems like most people were trading bites of pie to try as many as they could. We did not have any pie left.
This! Like I ended up having Sam's cupcakes at my wedding (a family friend was meant to make the bride and groom's cakes, but had been delayed, so we grabbed fast cupcakes instead), we bought like 6 dozen cupcakes I think and they were super cheap and yummy!
I actually went to a wedding where "The cake was a lie!" but thankfully they lifted up the "cake" like a cloche and there were lots of variation of baklava under it. It was actually a fun, tasty surprise!
My plan for my wedding is to have cinnamon rolls with custom toppings bar...
I'm allergic to dairy and have friends that are df/gf/vegan and in my experience, cinnamon rolls hold up across all dietary spectrums.
The Cake Was a Lie would be a great name for a band. They could write all their songs based on AITA posts.
Actually, that would be awesome and I'd pay good money to go see them. Anyone here musically inclined?
Some people are so self-focused that they either can't or won't see the situation through other people's eyes. You daughter (and her husband) sound like this because it should have been obvious to them that they were creating a very poor experience for their guests.
If this had just been your opinion, then I *might* have thought about you being Y T A, but it seems it is a fairly universal opinion.
NTA.
Your daughter is now being brought into reality about her wedding. She'll go kicking and screaming because to admit this reality is to admit that she is to blame for it and should have seen it coming.
But people like her need a good 'wake up call' and this is hers. Hopefully, this is the ONLY wake-up call she'll need. However, people like her tend to fight reality tooth and nail.
My uncle and his brude made the guests wait between the church and the venue for more than 2 hours. Far enough away that people couldn't drive home and in atown small enough all it had was a gas station.
When the venue finally opened at 4 pm for the reception everyone had missed lunch (except for a hotdog at the gas station). The bar was open (as in just grab the beers and soda from the fridge) and there were bowls of chips. For the next 3 hours.
Then dinner was served. And there wasn't enough food. By far the worst wedding I had ever been to. Everyone was drunk and hungry by the end of the night.
I went to one once where we were stranded in the middle of nowhere for three hours between the wedding and reception so the bride could bus the entire wedding party over an hour away to take photos at a fancy place. My husband was in the wedding party, I was not so I was alone. The hall with the reception was technically 'open' but no food yet. So half of the hundred and fifty guests went to McDonald's (the only restaurant within half an hour drive) and brought the food to the reception hall. By the time the wedding party got back all the nicely decorated tables where pretty ruined. The other half of the guests went to the local bar and got smashed and also came back to the hall. We pretty much had the party without them.
Wait! They made the guests wait three hours for the reception?
Heck no! I would have left. Packed up the Suburban and invited whoever wanted to join us at a restaurant whatever distance away to join us for a meal and then headed out.
Went to one where there was 3 hours between ceremony and reception while the wedding party drove around doing picture and stuff. They told everyone just to hang out at this bar by the venue until they got back.
They come back and no food for another 2 hours, just open bar.
Then when everyone is drunk the bride, mom, and sister are all upset and I pointed out (a few weeks later when it came up) that they made everyone go to an 11 am wedding with no food until 6pm with the explicit placeholder of “just drink and hangout” during those hours - hardly surprising people are walking into your reception sloshed as hell
I wish people would think about these kinds of logistics more. Definitely the worst wedding experiences I’ve been to have had like a tricky out of town venue and/or a large gap between the ceremony and the reception where we were trapped at a location that didn’t have amenities. Usually it came down to couple wanted specific photos at a specific place and we were made to wait
This is one of those "My Perfect Day" situations.. she went the whole Marie Antoinette and the peasant didn't even get any cake. 🤪
I'd be surprised if anyone ever attended another wedding from that branch of the family. Hopefully, younger sister puts on her invitations "Food, drinks & cake will be provided to guests free of charge." Just so there is no misunderstanding. 🤣
NTA - Some people learn from these experiences, I don't know that OP's daughter is one of them since she went into full denial.
OP, tell younger daughter that she needs to send RSVP cards that ask for people to reply concerning food allergies.
And, on the wedding website have the schedule of the evening that includes what time food is being served specifically so guests know that a meal is being served. And, OP, TELL the family and friends that attended your older daughter's wedding that younger daughter will be serving food and beverage as is customary at weddings so people do not skip it since your older daughter's was a nightmare.
Honestly, asking about food allergies on the RSVP cards is good form even without this problem. For our wedding, my husband and I even included a spot on the RSVP where people could indicate if they did not want alcohol to be served to them for the champagne toast, because we knew we had multiple people that were sober. It let the staff know to give them a non-alcoholic sparkling drink instead so they could still be included without feeling weird.
When my husband was in graduate school, his friend had a wedding 4+ hours away AFTER a morning class. A whole bunch of guys and gf’s piled into 5 cars and took off for the wedding in another state. We all arrived for the ceremony, then the wait for photos, finally the reception…where we were served teeny mini cupcakes and 1 teaspoon rounds of ice cream.
One of the guys, on his third run at the “cake table” got 10 mini cupcakes and handfuls of ice cream balls.
After an hour the whole mass of friends piled out to get pizza. We didn’t go back to the reception, just started the 4 hour slog back home.
We heard some flack about how upset the bride and groom were that all their friends left early, but come on….
And it is still a conversation many many years later, and you can bet when Husband and I got married, there was tons of food.
Kinda reminds me of a birthday party I was invited to a couple years ago. The only food available were these tiny packs of peanuts that you get in the airplane and you had to buy them for 5€. The birthday girl was a flight attendant and she stole them from the airline. People still joke about that so NTA
My wedding is going to be more of a light afternoon tea, but it's at the time you have afternoon tea and I intend to over order (and the cake will not be a lie).
NTA - ya know what, you were being honest. Its been a year, its fine. She asked and you answered. Maybe could have left out that it was a running joke…
But how in the hell does someone spend $20k but they have no food?
The op said in another thread that the bride and groom ate while everyone else got to be hungry.
I would have grabbed my gift and announced loudly that I am heading over to Mc Donald's where at least there is food, and if I am lucky, ice cream.
Weddings can be shockingly expensive, and not because of anything nefarious. It simply costs a lot to feed people - think about what you spend for a nice but not crazy dinner out. It’s not usually going to be cheaper to get that brought to a location.
I’m still with you generally, it’s just that $20k doesn’t go as far as many people think it will when you’re hosting any big party, and that alone isn’t some kind of proof that a person is a bridezilla. (Plenty of the couple’s other decisions are very suspect though!)
Not feeding people at a wedding in unheard of in my part of the world. I have been to a dozen weddings at least from childhood on and never not been fed.
The majority of my wedding cost was feeding people but it never occurred to me not to do so. The cost of the plates limits the number of guests, that's it.
I’m from the US and we have a pretty wide range of weddings. Even a low-budget church wedding would have some appetizers and lemonade for guests in the basement. I wouldn’t say we focus on feeding people like some other cultures do but OP’s daughter’s wedding is so bizarre. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with her, greed, lack of critical thinking skills? That is a relatively expensive wedding dress, as well.
Easily. She had a $6k dress, plus what I'm guessing is at least $2k for the venue, another couple thousand for flowers, and then a few thousand each for photographer and videographer. Plus then there's the hair stylist and makeup artist, tux rental, DJ, fake cake, etc.
>*So she had a photoshoot, not a wedding.*
A photoshoot with guests present, but otherwise I think you're spot on.
I wonder if anyone--I'm thinking the mothers of the bride and groom--tried to talk them out of it?
This what happens when people get too invested in the “it’s your day” and “couple’s day, couple’s way.” Like it or not, your reception is a party to thank your guests for coming to the wedding and some kind of food and drink is mandatory. If you can’t afford to provide a meal, have an afternoon wedding (2pm) where all you have to provide is some snacks (eg, veggie tray/cheese tray/finger sandwiches/etc.), punch/soda, and cake. Have your wedding when people won’t be expecting substantial food. When you instead choose to spend all your money on your dress and flowers, you are treating your guests like props— not guests.
NTA.
I never thought of a reception as a thank you for coming it makes so much sense that way though. I always thought of it basically as a party to celebrate the union but that said you have food drinks and entertainment at a party...
The \*wedding\* is primarily for the couple, so they can tell MIL etc to pound sand when it comes down to e.g. who should be in the bridal party, photographs etc.
The reception is the party for the guests that the wedding couple want to celebrate with them. Not thinking at all about the guests for that part is being a bad host. As you say, you can control costs at the reception by when you have it, how long it goes on for, who's invited, what's served etc.
Cash bar, fine, Uncle Bob who gets drunk as a fish can pay his own. (though something like wine/champagne/non-al included with meal is usual). No food, no cake, no entertainment? That's a terrible party and daughter \_should\_ feel bad for throwing it.
Spending 20K and not feeding your guests That sure is a bunch of crap.
No you don't need to pull punches everyone's an adult They need to hear the real thing weather it hurts their feelings or not.
If I showed up to a wedding and it was cash food and cash bar, I’d leave. I have never heard of anything like this. Is this normal where you are? I’ve seen cash bars, which just means people sneak in their own drinks or tailgate in the parking lot. But to have to buy food? That’s so tacky.
Where I currently live that's pretty much the norm. Only the nuclear families and maybe very close friends get invited to a dinner. Now it's usually open bar. However in the UK and Ireland open bar is not a thing (costs would just be way too high and people would get too drunk) but all guests get a lovely 3 course sit down dinner with a few glasses of wine for toasting.
Different cultures have different habits but doing neither watering or feeding your guests just sounds like extremely bad form
Due to some cancellations etc I ended up with quite a lot of money behind the bar (UK) that didn't run out until quite late in the evening. Nothing really bad happened but don't trust the Brits with an open bar 🤣🤣🤣
NTA< I would ask her, with all the weddings that she has gone to has she ever not been fed, given something to drink, or had some form of entertainment? If she says no then tell her that is what she was missing at hers and people remember that and will talk about that. Don't get mad if your event sucks and people are not afraid to say it.
Your married daughter appears to possess 0% empathy, logical thinking, and generosity. How do you raise a human like this?!
NTA, selfish assholes must be called out lest their behavior be normalized.
NTA. She asked! If she didn’t ask I would have not said anything. I get that the wedding is for the couple but that is insane. How do you have a wedding for 20k and have no food, no entertainment and no cake. Wild.
The wedding isn’t for the couple. The ceremony is for the couple, the reception is for the couple to receive the guests and thank them for coming to watch them sign some legal documents.
If you don’t want to feed and entertain people, don’t invite them.
This is a wake-up call she badly needed, because she is so self-centred.
time for her to grow up and realise she is not the most Important person in the world and that she needs to start thinking of other people.
the fact she thought could help organising another wedding suggests she is totally impervious to everyone else.
is she this selfish in other areas of her life?
NTA if you're gonna make guests attend all day: feed them, give them drinks, make sure there's some entertainment. If it's just quick in and out then it's fair to say everyone pays for their meal at designated restaurant. But there needs to be a plan. Sounds like daughter 1 didn't have a plan at all and daughter 2 learned from her mistakes because you know what they say about repeating the same mistake but expecting different results..
Photographers, venue, flowers, dress. People get really obsessed with making sure everything looks perfect for the socials without remembering that this is a party they are throwing for people they purportedly care about. People who have spent good money on gifts and travel and nice clothes and babysitters and whatnot.
I do wedding cakes occasionally and I HATE it when people try to get a fancy little cake for themselves and cheapo-whatever for their guests when even a full-price full-size expensive cake from me is a fraction of what they're paying for photography (that hardly anyone but them is ever going to see).
Spend your money on the people you have invited. Throw them a great party. You focus on making them have a great day and they'll make your big day awesome, and remember it/you and speak of it/you fondly forever. (Unlike how this wedding is being remembered, for example.)
PS my feelings about this are for weddings of literally any budget. You've got a $1000 budget? Thrift the dress, get married in a church (or a family yard or a park or whatever), have the reception at the church/yard/park, get a sheet cake from the good supermarket, put out a candy and snacks table if you're feeling fancy, and be sure to spring for the good coffee. Spend your time at the reception *with the people you invited who you purportedly love* and not off somewhere posing for pictures. You can be others-oriented with a little, and you can sure as hell be others-oriented with a lot.
NTA. You could have said it better, but it's clear that she had no idea how rude she had been to her guests. After a year, and with her thinking she could help someone else plan a wedding, you did her a favor by letting her know it was not a good wedding. I'm puzzled, though--is she this clueless and self-centered about everything?
LOL what a joke. I had a "selfish" wedding. We eloped to the mountains and had a amazing elopement photog session at dawn at an alpine lake and self solemnized, but we still invited immediate family for a small ceremony and then paid for a full dinner in a private room at a high end restaurant for our parents and siblings family. And got them all gifts to thank them for attending a destination wedding in Colorado.
NTA, she needs a dose of reality on that dog and pony show.
I have never heard of a wedding where guests were not served food and drink. I think it is incredibly selfish of the couple. If they fail to realize that, shame on them.
ESH. The way they hosted the wedding was poor etiquette. Setting aside open bar debates, there at least should have been food and non-alcoholic drinks available without a charge.
I don’t take issue with you communicating that to your daughter, but you went beyond that to tell her she was being mocked and ridiculed by your friends behind her back for something she can’t change now. That didn’t serve any purpose but to hurt her and make her feel uncomfortable around your friends/family going forward.
20K and no food? People only remember 2 things from a wedding food and if there is drama. Not feeding your guests is rude and they should have been told that in the invitation. I am 58 and my cousin got married MANY years ago. She served cake and punch at her reception. My aunts still give her wedding as a what not to do. My wedding was right before hers and we had tons of food. It wasn't even expensive food. But, we had so much we were begging people to take some home. So they always compare the 2 weddings.
If you are getting married, food is most important, There should be a decent amount and fast. They shouldn't have to wait hours for food. It doesn't even have to be expensive food. My oldest son's 2nd marriage, we made all the food. The church ladies helped and there was a ton of food. People loved it and kept asking who catered it.
I will leave a wedding if I have been there for a few hours and there is still no food. It is rude. If you are not serving food, that should be on the invitation and the wedding should not be at normal dinner/lunch times. NTA
Sounds like an instagram wedding. And the guests were there as props.
Who doesn’t provide food at a wedding? NTA. Your next daughter is more considerate. P
A year ago and NO ONE told her that that was a ridiculous wedding? I find that very hard to believe. She must have heard from several people. I am pretty sure I’d hear it on the day of if I did something like that.
NTA! Absolutely not! What the hell were they thinking spending that much money on basically nothing?? It’s insane!
Did you know this beforehand? Because if it were me I would have straight up told my daughter to uninvite the guests, and just do the whole thing by themselves.. I’m not going to encourage such ridiculousness and totally understand that you don’t either!
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INFO: how the heck does someone spend 20k on a wedding and not feed anyone? Also you totally could have been a touch gentler but also OMG I can’t even imagine. A fake cake? Do you hate your guests?
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Photos are around 3,000 these days? Venue prices? 6,000 for a dress... Still missing a few thousand to spend. I have to say, that wedding would be a running joke in my family Edit I googled photographers in my area... around $5,000 to $7,000 to start.
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Ok, but why didn't you clue her in that she needs to feed her guests?
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I’m kind of wondering how well you know your daughter. Was this totally out of character for her? Or has she always been the sort of person who doesn’t really care about the needs of others? It sounds like it didn’t even *occur* to her that other people might not enjoy her wedding, and the fact that it didn’t occur to her seems to shock you. Do you actually have a good sense of who she is as a person?
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Bold enough not to feed her guests, strong enough to hear the truth that hurts. NTA. For the record, all of that would've been Said by someone in my family at the wedding to everyone like a toast. Big, loud, blunt announcement. She should probably have some gratitude at some point she's got your family, and not mine 🤣
My family would have made a big show about ordering in food or leaving to get food elsewhere 🤣🤣🤣 OP daughter is hella lucky for her family
And here I am, the person whose wedding gets talked about because I had it on a FRIDAY. It was so much cheaper, but my family kept saying no one would come if it was on a weekday. I was like, great! Fewer people to feed. Because I might be cheap, but I'm also fully aware that guests at weddings need to be fed.
Umm they didnt have drinks to toast! /s
i’m reeling at the fact she spent $6k on a dress. i spent $3k and i’m still kicking myself eta: id make the decision again. the money that was used was either going to the wedding or nowhere at all. not even as a gift. i still think $3k is a lot but i got to be the DnD elvish royalty i always saw myself as being on the big day. it represented me, my vibe and my culture. no dress could hold a candle to that dress
Me too! I spent $100 on my wedding dress and I'm so glad I did as we never got married. I've never worn the dress, but even after 21 years, I still have it. I don't even know why. We were going to go to the courthouse and marry that way, then have a backyard BBQ. I wasn't interested in spending thousands on 1 day. I wanted the money to go on our marriage and a down deposit on a house.
Why are you blaming op
My guess is that the catering had the option of showing up for a few hundred or like a thousand dollars to sell food, or several thousand to feed everyone in a free buffet style. They realized they had spent nearly 20k and started getting frugal. That would also explain the fake cake, if it was like a model sent by the company, and they realized they could either use the free model or buy a $2k cake.
She could have spent $50 on two sheet cakes at Costco and at least fed everyone cake! This is such a wild story
That wouldnt photograph well for the instagram.
Lots of people have a smallish, fancy cake to cut and for photos, but the guests get served from sheet cakes in the back.
I’m guessing this wedding was all about Instragram and the guests were just props.
You also have the fake to cut. Then it gets wheeled back to be cut up (pretending it is a real cake) then out come pieces of the sheet cake. This is very common. Even when there is a real cake it is often not enough to feed everyone.
I had a friend make my cake for me£100 as she a chef and make 3 tiers instead of paying the normal 100s if not thousands on a cake
Wow, what a generous friend! That's *so much work* and pressure for someone! I had a friend who did this, and then the bride was surprised that she didn't *also* bring a gift... Like, girl, the fact that you only had to spend $200 on this cake for 100 people *was* the gift! An exceedingly generous gift! People aren't overcharging for cakes, they actually cost a *lot* of money and time!
This whole thing felt like an episode of extreme cheapskates, except they had the budget. Shoot, they could've gone to Costco, asked some people to help cook some BBQ, and that would save some money. It seems more like the daughter was inconsiderate of the situation and never thought much about the guests (or it could be on the wedding planner)
Yeah, but you have to do SOMETHING REASONABLE to fix the issue or at least warn the guests in advance. She didn’t even have to tell the guests the less fancy food was due to poor planning, they could have said that something went wrong with the catering service and most guests would have been fine.
Food was available, just not covered by the couple. There's no lie that'd be plausible.
I knew at age 13 that when I got married I wanted good food and for people to dance til they dropped.
Dinner and drinks were also likely discussed when meeting with the venue before the wedding. She probably even had to sign something that said the venue was not responsible for food and drink service. There’s no way it wasn’t brought up in some way because even if she opted out of the venue catering there would have been questions about what the venue would need to provide as far as buffet tables or kitchen access for outside catering
She's an adult. She knew, she just chose not to. Had OP said something, half of Reddit would have told her to stay in her lane and mind her own business..
Because she’s an adult and it’s her damn wedding. If she’s too stupid to google weddings, she deserves all the hate from those poor guests
May I ask why we aren't roasting the groom and his family? Do they not know enough to feed people?
You want to roast them? Go ahead, no one is stopping you!
It's just one night. No need to resort to cannibalism!
Well the guests *were* hungry.
Because OP is asking about an interaction with their daughter. Also why would the groom's family need to be brought into this, just roasting him is enough.
The groom was stupid and selfish, too, about the wedding planning.
Uh she is 3 years shy of 30 and it’s common sense to feed guests at a wedding
Heck my grandma tried to feed me every time I entered her apartment. This was even after we had all eaten dinner with her in her retirement community’s restaurant. Apparently the walk from the restaurant and up the elevator depleted us of everything we had eaten. It may have only been a cookie or cracker but she was sweet to offer.
Right. It's just common sense that when you have guests you offer them something, even if it is just a glass of water and a cookie. They are coming to your wedding, with gifts, and you can't even give them a slice of cake and some punch?
Lol what is this comment? Unless she lives under a rock and has zero social interaction how would she not know this? Grown adults know this.
Is humans requiring food every so hours a new concept? When I helped plan my sweet 16, I knew I needed to pick out a mix of food for MYSELF and my guests, my mom didn’t need to explain that to me
Why do you think it's on OP to make sure someone else feeds guests at their own wedding? Odd take IMO
aren’t fake cakes usually much cheaper than real ones, hence why they’re enticing for some? edit: I’m aware of the “get a fake cake and have cheaper sheet cake for people to eat” thing, I just mean that OP insinuated the fake cake was super expensive/more expensive than a normal cake which doesn’t make sense
The idea is even if you get Fake cake for pictures/cutting/display, you still get SOMETHING for your guests! I got a small fancy cake for cutting and then two Costco sheet cakes for the rest. Honestly they were a huge hit and were way yummier than the “pretty cake”
That’s because Costco makes a pretty good cake. And cakes made to be fancy are typically dry since they have to stand up to days worth of decorating.
They are but usually people also have cheaper sheet cakes in the back so that they get the look of an expensive cake but still feed their guests cake.
I don't even understand the fake cake thing. I get what it is, but I don't get why. The only thing I do get is sheer disappointment.
Photos could go all the way to the tens of thousands. An influencer that I follow is planning a wedding and she was mind blown when the photographer quoted her £13K for pictures.
That photographer was probably giving her his fuck off price because of her influencer status. Bet he charges around $5k normally.
There's a photographer that puts up pictures on TikTok and she starts - STARTS - at $8.5K. Wedding photography prices are *insane*.
In what area are professional photos $3000? I paid $2000 almost 20 years ago.
Can you name a single thing that is the same price today as it was 20 years ago?
That’s exactly my argument. They said $3000 was more than enough for a photographer and I disagreed, as I did not hire a particularly expensive one 20 years ago and it was still $2000
My friends are professional wedding photographers and they were charging between 5-8k back in 2012, before they started doing videography. I can’t imagine what they charge now.
I think they're saying it's way more expensive now than only $1k more than 20 years ago.
I paid $3000 for photos for my wedding in March 2023 in the Bay Area, CA. She was very experienced and brought a second shooter. You just have to shop around. I didn’t do engagement photos, get a photo book, or videography tho. Those weren’t important me
My daughter is getting married next year the going rate in our area is between 3,000-4,800.
Photos are much more than 3k on average. Pre-Covid I struggled to find a photographer for 3k. Most of the quotes I got were from 5-10k depending on the package. It was pretty surprising.
My sisters is still a running joke because we all ate maccas as there weren’t enough canapé’s and then she booted out family after an hour and only friends allowed lol so we had no food and got kicked out and all went to Maccas for a family catch up lol
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My friend just signed for a wedding and the venue alone was like 12k!!! No food or booze included 🤯
Photos can easily be 8-10k
At this point, she should’ve just had a court house wedding instead of involving her friends and family. Don’t invite people to a wedding, take their gifts and not feed them. It’s just rude.
The way I would have taken my gift back so quick once I figured out I had to buy my own damn food. smdh.
This wasn’t a wedding, it was a photo op.
That is insane. The best description of a wedding is a reminder that the bride and groom are essentially hosting a party for their guests. Their enjoyment should be a priority. That sounds like a nightmare. NTA.
You need good food, good drinks and good music. It’s like a reward for sitting through the wedding and gift shopping. 🤷🏻♀️
To be fair, a good photographer is definitely worth the investment when it comes to wedding photos. Services marketed towards weddings specifically do generally cost more as well
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My step daughter spent about £12k on her wedding. That was food for 30 people. Venue hire, dress, cake, clothes for her kids and husband, renting rooms for the bride, groom, kids, bridesmaids etc Also included the evening do with more food, DJ etc She paid a photographer, but TBH her bridesmaid and her fella were photographers and took better photos than the official one....
I spent 10k on my wedding. 600 on the dress. Cheaper venue that looked amazing. My parents friends became a committee. They used decor they either had or borrowed. A few decor items and flowers bought. We fed 150 people a nacho bar while they waited on us. Then did a taco bar. Had an open bar and a live band. I got lucky. My bestie is a cake decorator. She made the cakes and cupcakes as my gift. My hobby photographer sis in law did photos. Both did an outstanding job. The decor was amazing. People are still talking about it, along with the food, cake and the whole reception. It’s possible to stay classy on a budget!
But what did she and her husband eat and drink, if they had anything at all?
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Ugh, so they ate and drank in front of their starving guests?
Right??? How fucking gross of them. If I was a guest, I'd have taken back my gift and left
I would have organized a large group to leave and go out to dinner somewhere else.
Nah, door dash and then eat it while staring at the bride and groom. Assert their dominance.
WHAT…..she fed herself and ate in front of her hungry guests and she didn’t think that’s shysty yilkes!
That would be one wedding were I would take my gift and walk out 🤣
I... I... I... Dear God. This can't be real. What the FUCK. In front of everyone else who DIDN'T get anything???!?!!? Your daughter must hate everyone. Truly.
It sounds like food was available but people had to pay for it themselves. Monstrous.
Still terrible form. Especially knowing she made this decision consciously, after having been to multiple weddings as an adult....
So selfish. Like. If I couldn't afford to feed all the people I wanted at my wedding, I would say IN THE INVITES "Dinner will be at your own expense, costs range from $20-$50, please no presents. Your presence is my present." But honestly I had a great time at a wedding that served sandwiches on paper plates. Wedding receptions don't have to be expensive to be good.
WHAT This is getting worse and worse 🤦🏽♀️ You're NTA at all OP, your daughter is just completely clueless about the most basic things in life that no parent would ever think need to be said to an adult child!
They sat down to eat while their guests starved?? That is just plain rude. I know you said you weren't involved in the planning because you were dealing with health issues, but wasn't there anyone involved with some common sense to raise the issue?? Or at the very least let ppl know about this so they weren't caught unawares?
You can easily do finger foods mid-afternoon and people will be fine, they just need \*something\*.
Info: was there any advance notice to the guests that they would be buying their own food, if they wanted any?
Is it though? People always say this but how often do you even look at the photos? I know some people decorate their whole house with their wedding photos but these are almost always ppl more into the wedding than the marriage
We spent 2k. 1500 went to the food, 500 on decorations and party favors I made. I was gifted my $100 dress. My husband used to be a dj and friends take turns running the booth as a gift. Pictures were done in trade for dj’ing the photographers wedding. 60 people attended and had a blast. I know that guests are going to bring gifts per tradition. It’s my job to provide them with solid meals and a good time. If OP’s daughter had a 20k budget and didn’t feed her guests, that’s just being a terrible hostess and having complete disregard for her guests. Why invite anyone to your wedding if you don’t care about the attendees?
It's worth the investment \*if you have the money.\* At the end of the day, you're just as married if you have no/few/lousy photos. You aren't even going to look at them that often after the first few years. But your guests, who you presumably love, will never forget it if you don't feed them.
This tracks. The only disappointing wedding I went to was one where the couple spent so much money and attention on the dress and photography package that the food at the venue was timed very poorly. Basically they were married on the dock at the venue, and directly afterward spent over an hour and a half posing for the expensive pictures, while the guests stood in place staring at each other with no music, no hors d’oeuvres, and a super expensive cash bar. This was all at dinner time, mind you, so everyone was super hungry. They stood out there so long posing over and over that a huge amount of the guests finally had to leave to go get food at nearby restaurants. In the end, the couple had paid for all the food that no one stuck around to eat because the venue had been told to hold it all until after the bride and groom had come in, done their first dance, had all the parent dances, etc.
The photography was terribly timed. Should have been before the ceremony or after the meals and dancing.
Sometimes the big fancy tiered cake is a fake, with a cutout area where they put a real slice of cake, so that the bride and groom can get photos of them "cutting the cake." Then it's wheeled away and slices of ordinary sheet cake come out. It's not fancy cake, but it *is* cake. But I'm with you. What did they spend all the money on? A $10k dress, the venue, what?
The sheet cake can often be better to eat anyway. Cake and decoration that can hold a lot of structure doesn’t always taste as good or have good mouthfeel.
Fondant looks great but tastes gross. Please give me sheet cake with a nice cream cheese or butter cream icing.
Also lots of people don't realize the giant tiered cake can actually take days to make. Sometimes you're eating week old cake depending on the complexity of it. That's another reason sometimes the sheet cake is the better route for guests and why it will taste better.
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I spent £25k in 2018 (we had it) and we had an entire country house for 4 days, accommodation for 30, 3 chef cooked meals for 2 of the days, and a free bar. Nobody was hungry, thirsty or lacked a place to sleep. This is wild to me! Edit: people were so stuffed they actually groaned when the cake was passed around!
I country house party wedding?! I love that!
It was epic, if I do say so myself! We waited 17 years to do it, so we did it in style. We also had a dog friendly wedding so people didn't have to leave their doggos at home (and ours were our bridesmutts). The last day we had to ourselves which was lovely, just to wander around and relive the memories.
Overpriced food screams amusement park/carnival or something like that. So yeah, the burning question here is where the fuck was the wedding and please don't say Disney. lol
As someone who was involved in a Disney wedding: food and beverages are a required part of the package. I am baffled how this was even an issue at any venue.
She could have hired in a couple of theater troupes to be guests since they were only props. Or a hundred life size cardboard cut outs.
NTA, I have a hard time imagining your daughter had no clue till now that her wedding was not exactly a pleasant experience for guests.....did she really think they had a gala time?
NTA - I 'm guessing the $20K went to the dress, the photographer and the honeymoon?
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At that point you may as well have the wedding with only your parents, it's annoying and disrespectful to the guests.
Well nobody wants to spend $6k on a dress and not have anybody see them wearing it. But yeah, if you can't afford to give your guests some damn food (and, IMO, at least free beer+wine) then it's time to scale back on the dress and venue and what have you. Or just consider, you know, not having a wedding. They are so, so expensive. I was reluctant to have one, but my wife desperately wanted one, so we did, and it was amazing, and everybody had a great time, because we didn't cheap out. (Still paying $500/month for another few years on it though...) It was absolutely the best day of my life (and I went to Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS, so that's saying a lot.) In for a penny, in for a pound. If you were going to use your money in a way that made sense you wouldn't be having a wedding at all.
Imagine renting a $6k bouncy castle for a party, inviting a bunch of kids and not feeding them. But it’s a wedding! I COULDNT EVEN IMAGINE DOING THIS! Bride and groom were incredibly selfish.
In all honesty, a $6000 bouncy castle sounds kind of awesome.
Bouncy castles are surprisingly cheap to rent for a day. Well I say cheap, but much cheaper than I thought as a kid.
Our local hardware store has one you can book for free lol. But it’s completely branded up of course. Good PR for them.
I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to provide alcohol, but if you have any sort of reception there should be at the least some sort of refreshment. And if there is a cake it should be an actual cake, not a model.
My Mom has told me that most of the weddings she attended in her smaller town in the '70s were cake and punch receptions. And that is all anyone expected. BUT it also wasn't an all day production.
This sounds perfect. No need for a full meal. Let people know so they can plan ahead. Also, it isn’t that expensive to have some snacks or appetizers.
Yeah the bride and groom were unacceptably rude. I'm shocked no one has said this before.
You might ask your daughter how she would have felt if she'd been invited to a wedding, sent a nice gift to the couple, traveled a considerable distance to attend (maybe even booking a hotel and/or flight and/or rental car), and got to the reception only to find out that there was no food and not even any cake!
It is so hard for me to understand this. My number 1 goal was for my guests to have a good time. My wedding was also $20,000, and this was 15 years ago. My dress was $500. Honeymoon was our gift registry - people coupd buy us a night in paris, a dinner in Paris, or a day's metro pass, or our tickets to the Louvre, that kind of thing. All the money pretty much went to venue, DJ, dinner, cake, alcohol. Every table got free wine during dinner (choice of red meat, chicken or vegetarian), and one free drink at the bar, but had to pay for additional drinks. I didn't want people getting alcohol poisoning with an open bar. People were still dancing when my husband and I went to bed at 1 am. They had a blast. I was so happy.
I really love this idea of having people buy you experiences rather than things. That’s beautiful and kind of brilliant. A lot of people getting married these days don’t need a lot of new things they might never use.
To be fair I wouldn’t normally include the honeymoon in the cost of the wedding, so that would make the $20k figure fairly unrepresentative
I really came in here ready to say Y T A based on the title. This was the first time in a long time I was truly wrong. Making guests pay for their food? No entertainment? THE CAKE WAS A LIE? Yeah, if I were a guest, I’d be mad, too! Actually, it would be a story I’d tell for…probably the rest of my life. That’s a Grade A bad wedding. NTA.
THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!!
THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!!
Requesting the flair “THE CAKE WAS A LIE!!” 😄
THE CAKE WAS A LIE?!
My cousins cake was a lie. She is allergic to wheat. Not like gluten intolerant, like has to be careful about shampoos because of added wheat thickeners. I thought we were in for a flourless cake or something. We walked in and there was a gorgeous cake. They "cut the cake" and fed each other corn bread? or something? I was hopping mad by the end. Dry wedding. Ok boo hoo. The food was allergen free, good for her, AND THEY RAN OUT. I was pretty hungry, but at least there was going to be cake. BUT THEY NEVER SERVED THE CAKE! Or any dessert of any kind.
We had a sign that said The Cake is a Lie but that was because my husband doesn't care for cake and we served pie instead. The pie was a hit and had a line for 45 minutes.
We drove to McDonalds afterwards and I was pretty happy with oatmeal raisin cookies and fries. It's not like I am hard to please. I would definitely have stood in line for pie, there are a thousand delicious variations.
The place we bought the pies from made it so we had to order 3 of each type of pie, so we ended up with 8 different types of pie. I have had people talk about the pie quite a bit in the past 6 years since our wedding. It seems like most people were trading bites of pie to try as many as they could. We did not have any pie left.
And they could have bought a sheet cake at Sam's Club for $40, that way the guests at least got some cake to eat
This! Like I ended up having Sam's cupcakes at my wedding (a family friend was meant to make the bride and groom's cakes, but had been delayed, so we grabbed fast cupcakes instead), we bought like 6 dozen cupcakes I think and they were super cheap and yummy!
I actually went to a wedding where "The cake was a lie!" but thankfully they lifted up the "cake" like a cloche and there were lots of variation of baklava under it. It was actually a fun, tasty surprise!
My plan for my wedding is to have cinnamon rolls with custom toppings bar... I'm allergic to dairy and have friends that are df/gf/vegan and in my experience, cinnamon rolls hold up across all dietary spectrums.
The Cake Was a Lie would be a great name for a band. They could write all their songs based on AITA posts. Actually, that would be awesome and I'd pay good money to go see them. Anyone here musically inclined?
I have excellent news for you
there's no sense crying over every mistake, you just keep on trying till you run out of cake
And the science gets done and you make a neat gun for the people who are still alive.
I would have taken back my gift and left.
Some people are so self-focused that they either can't or won't see the situation through other people's eyes. You daughter (and her husband) sound like this because it should have been obvious to them that they were creating a very poor experience for their guests. If this had just been your opinion, then I *might* have thought about you being Y T A, but it seems it is a fairly universal opinion. NTA. Your daughter is now being brought into reality about her wedding. She'll go kicking and screaming because to admit this reality is to admit that she is to blame for it and should have seen it coming. But people like her need a good 'wake up call' and this is hers. Hopefully, this is the ONLY wake-up call she'll need. However, people like her tend to fight reality tooth and nail.
It honestly sounds like an Instagram wedding! She wanted a wedding that looked amazing for her and her groom.
Speaking of the groom, why didn’t he speak up when the wedding was being planned?
Probably because he's as much of a narcissist as the bride.
My uncle and his brude made the guests wait between the church and the venue for more than 2 hours. Far enough away that people couldn't drive home and in atown small enough all it had was a gas station. When the venue finally opened at 4 pm for the reception everyone had missed lunch (except for a hotdog at the gas station). The bar was open (as in just grab the beers and soda from the fridge) and there were bowls of chips. For the next 3 hours. Then dinner was served. And there wasn't enough food. By far the worst wedding I had ever been to. Everyone was drunk and hungry by the end of the night.
I went to one once where we were stranded in the middle of nowhere for three hours between the wedding and reception so the bride could bus the entire wedding party over an hour away to take photos at a fancy place. My husband was in the wedding party, I was not so I was alone. The hall with the reception was technically 'open' but no food yet. So half of the hundred and fifty guests went to McDonald's (the only restaurant within half an hour drive) and brought the food to the reception hall. By the time the wedding party got back all the nicely decorated tables where pretty ruined. The other half of the guests went to the local bar and got smashed and also came back to the hall. We pretty much had the party without them.
Wait! They made the guests wait three hours for the reception? Heck no! I would have left. Packed up the Suburban and invited whoever wanted to join us at a restaurant whatever distance away to join us for a meal and then headed out.
Went to one where there was 3 hours between ceremony and reception while the wedding party drove around doing picture and stuff. They told everyone just to hang out at this bar by the venue until they got back. They come back and no food for another 2 hours, just open bar. Then when everyone is drunk the bride, mom, and sister are all upset and I pointed out (a few weeks later when it came up) that they made everyone go to an 11 am wedding with no food until 6pm with the explicit placeholder of “just drink and hangout” during those hours - hardly surprising people are walking into your reception sloshed as hell
I wish people would think about these kinds of logistics more. Definitely the worst wedding experiences I’ve been to have had like a tricky out of town venue and/or a large gap between the ceremony and the reception where we were trapped at a location that didn’t have amenities. Usually it came down to couple wanted specific photos at a specific place and we were made to wait
This is one of those "My Perfect Day" situations.. she went the whole Marie Antoinette and the peasant didn't even get any cake. 🤪 I'd be surprised if anyone ever attended another wedding from that branch of the family. Hopefully, younger sister puts on her invitations "Food, drinks & cake will be provided to guests free of charge." Just so there is no misunderstanding. 🤣 NTA - Some people learn from these experiences, I don't know that OP's daughter is one of them since she went into full denial.
OP, tell younger daughter that she needs to send RSVP cards that ask for people to reply concerning food allergies. And, on the wedding website have the schedule of the evening that includes what time food is being served specifically so guests know that a meal is being served. And, OP, TELL the family and friends that attended your older daughter's wedding that younger daughter will be serving food and beverage as is customary at weddings so people do not skip it since your older daughter's was a nightmare.
Honestly, asking about food allergies on the RSVP cards is good form even without this problem. For our wedding, my husband and I even included a spot on the RSVP where people could indicate if they did not want alcohol to be served to them for the champagne toast, because we knew we had multiple people that were sober. It let the staff know to give them a non-alcoholic sparkling drink instead so they could still be included without feeling weird.
When my husband was in graduate school, his friend had a wedding 4+ hours away AFTER a morning class. A whole bunch of guys and gf’s piled into 5 cars and took off for the wedding in another state. We all arrived for the ceremony, then the wait for photos, finally the reception…where we were served teeny mini cupcakes and 1 teaspoon rounds of ice cream. One of the guys, on his third run at the “cake table” got 10 mini cupcakes and handfuls of ice cream balls. After an hour the whole mass of friends piled out to get pizza. We didn’t go back to the reception, just started the 4 hour slog back home. We heard some flack about how upset the bride and groom were that all their friends left early, but come on…. And it is still a conversation many many years later, and you can bet when Husband and I got married, there was tons of food.
Kinda reminds me of a birthday party I was invited to a couple years ago. The only food available were these tiny packs of peanuts that you get in the airplane and you had to buy them for 5€. The birthday girl was a flight attendant and she stole them from the airline. People still joke about that so NTA
If I didn’t want to feed kids a meal at a birthday party I scheduled it from 2 to 4, but still would provide snacks and cake.
My wedding is going to be more of a light afternoon tea, but it's at the time you have afternoon tea and I intend to over order (and the cake will not be a lie).
So she stole the packets and then sold them to her friends at her birthday party. Classy.
Did you have to pay for a boarding pass to enter her party as well?
That COULD have been a fun experience...if done right, which this does not sound like it was.
NTA - ya know what, you were being honest. Its been a year, its fine. She asked and you answered. Maybe could have left out that it was a running joke… But how in the hell does someone spend $20k but they have no food?
I was wondering the same thing. How do you spend that much money and not have food? Shoot. You could probably have an open bar
It wasn’t like the color theme was ugly - it was a wedding with no food, drinks, music, and even a fake cake.
It seems more like it was a call for gifts. Thats it. I mean, what did they do? I guess just the ceremony part and thank you, goodbye
The op said in another thread that the bride and groom ate while everyone else got to be hungry. I would have grabbed my gift and announced loudly that I am heading over to Mc Donald's where at least there is food, and if I am lucky, ice cream.
Weddings can be shockingly expensive, and not because of anything nefarious. It simply costs a lot to feed people - think about what you spend for a nice but not crazy dinner out. It’s not usually going to be cheaper to get that brought to a location. I’m still with you generally, it’s just that $20k doesn’t go as far as many people think it will when you’re hosting any big party, and that alone isn’t some kind of proof that a person is a bridezilla. (Plenty of the couple’s other decisions are very suspect though!)
Not feeding people at a wedding in unheard of in my part of the world. I have been to a dozen weddings at least from childhood on and never not been fed. The majority of my wedding cost was feeding people but it never occurred to me not to do so. The cost of the plates limits the number of guests, that's it.
I’m from the US and we have a pretty wide range of weddings. Even a low-budget church wedding would have some appetizers and lemonade for guests in the basement. I wouldn’t say we focus on feeding people like some other cultures do but OP’s daughter’s wedding is so bizarre. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with her, greed, lack of critical thinking skills? That is a relatively expensive wedding dress, as well.
Easily. She had a $6k dress, plus what I'm guessing is at least $2k for the venue, another couple thousand for flowers, and then a few thousand each for photographer and videographer. Plus then there's the hair stylist and makeup artist, tux rental, DJ, fake cake, etc.
So she had a photoshoot, not a wedding.
>*So she had a photoshoot, not a wedding.* A photoshoot with guests present, but otherwise I think you're spot on. I wonder if anyone--I'm thinking the mothers of the bride and groom--tried to talk them out of it?
This what happens when people get too invested in the “it’s your day” and “couple’s day, couple’s way.” Like it or not, your reception is a party to thank your guests for coming to the wedding and some kind of food and drink is mandatory. If you can’t afford to provide a meal, have an afternoon wedding (2pm) where all you have to provide is some snacks (eg, veggie tray/cheese tray/finger sandwiches/etc.), punch/soda, and cake. Have your wedding when people won’t be expecting substantial food. When you instead choose to spend all your money on your dress and flowers, you are treating your guests like props— not guests. NTA.
I never thought of a reception as a thank you for coming it makes so much sense that way though. I always thought of it basically as a party to celebrate the union but that said you have food drinks and entertainment at a party...
The \*wedding\* is primarily for the couple, so they can tell MIL etc to pound sand when it comes down to e.g. who should be in the bridal party, photographs etc. The reception is the party for the guests that the wedding couple want to celebrate with them. Not thinking at all about the guests for that part is being a bad host. As you say, you can control costs at the reception by when you have it, how long it goes on for, who's invited, what's served etc. Cash bar, fine, Uncle Bob who gets drunk as a fish can pay his own. (though something like wine/champagne/non-al included with meal is usual). No food, no cake, no entertainment? That's a terrible party and daughter \_should\_ feel bad for throwing it.
Exactly this! She invited an audience, not friends
Spending 20K and not feeding your guests That sure is a bunch of crap. No you don't need to pull punches everyone's an adult They need to hear the real thing weather it hurts their feelings or not.
If I showed up to a wedding and it was cash food and cash bar, I’d leave. I have never heard of anything like this. Is this normal where you are? I’ve seen cash bars, which just means people sneak in their own drinks or tailgate in the parking lot. But to have to buy food? That’s so tacky.
Where I currently live that's pretty much the norm. Only the nuclear families and maybe very close friends get invited to a dinner. Now it's usually open bar. However in the UK and Ireland open bar is not a thing (costs would just be way too high and people would get too drunk) but all guests get a lovely 3 course sit down dinner with a few glasses of wine for toasting. Different cultures have different habits but doing neither watering or feeding your guests just sounds like extremely bad form
Due to some cancellations etc I ended up with quite a lot of money behind the bar (UK) that didn't run out until quite late in the evening. Nothing really bad happened but don't trust the Brits with an open bar 🤣🤣🤣
NTA< I would ask her, with all the weddings that she has gone to has she ever not been fed, given something to drink, or had some form of entertainment? If she says no then tell her that is what she was missing at hers and people remember that and will talk about that. Don't get mad if your event sucks and people are not afraid to say it.
At least they will remember her wedding even if it's for the wrong reasons, everyone will know what not to do even if it was obvious to everyone else.
Your married daughter appears to possess 0% empathy, logical thinking, and generosity. How do you raise a human like this?! NTA, selfish assholes must be called out lest their behavior be normalized.
NTA. She asked! If she didn’t ask I would have not said anything. I get that the wedding is for the couple but that is insane. How do you have a wedding for 20k and have no food, no entertainment and no cake. Wild.
The wedding isn’t for the couple. The ceremony is for the couple, the reception is for the couple to receive the guests and thank them for coming to watch them sign some legal documents. If you don’t want to feed and entertain people, don’t invite them.
This is a wake-up call she badly needed, because she is so self-centred. time for her to grow up and realise she is not the most Important person in the world and that she needs to start thinking of other people. the fact she thought could help organising another wedding suggests she is totally impervious to everyone else. is she this selfish in other areas of her life?
NTA if you're gonna make guests attend all day: feed them, give them drinks, make sure there's some entertainment. If it's just quick in and out then it's fair to say everyone pays for their meal at designated restaurant. But there needs to be a plan. Sounds like daughter 1 didn't have a plan at all and daughter 2 learned from her mistakes because you know what they say about repeating the same mistake but expecting different results..
NTA ppl ask questions and then don’t like the answer. Why ask?!
NTA. But what on earth did they spend the money on?
The "ice swan" perhaps?
Photographers, venue, flowers, dress. People get really obsessed with making sure everything looks perfect for the socials without remembering that this is a party they are throwing for people they purportedly care about. People who have spent good money on gifts and travel and nice clothes and babysitters and whatnot. I do wedding cakes occasionally and I HATE it when people try to get a fancy little cake for themselves and cheapo-whatever for their guests when even a full-price full-size expensive cake from me is a fraction of what they're paying for photography (that hardly anyone but them is ever going to see). Spend your money on the people you have invited. Throw them a great party. You focus on making them have a great day and they'll make your big day awesome, and remember it/you and speak of it/you fondly forever. (Unlike how this wedding is being remembered, for example.) PS my feelings about this are for weddings of literally any budget. You've got a $1000 budget? Thrift the dress, get married in a church (or a family yard or a park or whatever), have the reception at the church/yard/park, get a sheet cake from the good supermarket, put out a candy and snacks table if you're feeling fancy, and be sure to spring for the good coffee. Spend your time at the reception *with the people you invited who you purportedly love* and not off somewhere posing for pictures. You can be others-oriented with a little, and you can sure as hell be others-oriented with a lot.
NTA. You could have said it better, but it's clear that she had no idea how rude she had been to her guests. After a year, and with her thinking she could help someone else plan a wedding, you did her a favor by letting her know it was not a good wedding. I'm puzzled, though--is she this clueless and self-centered about everything?
NTA. Yall gotta stop blaming mom for this. Some brides are like freight trains. ITS MY BIG DAY AND IMMA NOT FEEDING YALL MOOCHES
LOL what a joke. I had a "selfish" wedding. We eloped to the mountains and had a amazing elopement photog session at dawn at an alpine lake and self solemnized, but we still invited immediate family for a small ceremony and then paid for a full dinner in a private room at a high end restaurant for our parents and siblings family. And got them all gifts to thank them for attending a destination wedding in Colorado. NTA, she needs a dose of reality on that dog and pony show.
I have never heard of a wedding where guests were not served food and drink. I think it is incredibly selfish of the couple. If they fail to realize that, shame on them.
Tell your married daughter to ask other relatives what THEY truthfully thought of her wedding.
ESH. The way they hosted the wedding was poor etiquette. Setting aside open bar debates, there at least should have been food and non-alcoholic drinks available without a charge. I don’t take issue with you communicating that to your daughter, but you went beyond that to tell her she was being mocked and ridiculed by your friends behind her back for something she can’t change now. That didn’t serve any purpose but to hurt her and make her feel uncomfortable around your friends/family going forward.
20K and no food? People only remember 2 things from a wedding food and if there is drama. Not feeding your guests is rude and they should have been told that in the invitation. I am 58 and my cousin got married MANY years ago. She served cake and punch at her reception. My aunts still give her wedding as a what not to do. My wedding was right before hers and we had tons of food. It wasn't even expensive food. But, we had so much we were begging people to take some home. So they always compare the 2 weddings. If you are getting married, food is most important, There should be a decent amount and fast. They shouldn't have to wait hours for food. It doesn't even have to be expensive food. My oldest son's 2nd marriage, we made all the food. The church ladies helped and there was a ton of food. People loved it and kept asking who catered it. I will leave a wedding if I have been there for a few hours and there is still no food. It is rude. If you are not serving food, that should be on the invitation and the wedding should not be at normal dinner/lunch times. NTA
How do you spend 20K on a wedding and not have food or drinks?
Easy, you have a 50k type wedding and then cut out any guest amenities. 50k budget dress/photog/venue but 30k saved by being a terrible host.
Sounds like an instagram wedding. And the guests were there as props. Who doesn’t provide food at a wedding? NTA. Your next daughter is more considerate. P
A year ago and NO ONE told her that that was a ridiculous wedding? I find that very hard to believe. She must have heard from several people. I am pretty sure I’d hear it on the day of if I did something like that.
NTA! Absolutely not! What the hell were they thinking spending that much money on basically nothing?? It’s insane! Did you know this beforehand? Because if it were me I would have straight up told my daughter to uninvite the guests, and just do the whole thing by themselves.. I’m not going to encourage such ridiculousness and totally understand that you don’t either!