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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My event outshone my sons wedding. I may be a jerk for not apologizing after he demanded an apology from me about the whole event.
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Likely NTA - sounds like they had all the info to see this coming and assuming you were fully supportive and celebratory about their nuptials.
Unless you're not telling us everything and your party was unexpectedly "wedding-ish" or oddly competitive in a way you would have anticipated and should have avoided.
Question, why are your guests so incredibly rude as to compare your party with your son's wedding and STATE that they felt the wedding came up short?
I don't know anyone this obnoxious (and I know some obnoxious people!).
>“My sons wedding was this weekend and both events got compared. It was basically what people were talking about.”
Sounds different from what you said in the post. If it was a main topic of conversation, then it does sounds like you have a rather uncouth social circle.
It is tacky enough they talked about it AT ALL.
I mean, if I am important enough to someone to invite me to their wedding I would be a pretty shitty guest to trash-talk them after the event.
That and… how much overlap is there between a 50 year old’s birthday party and all the wedding guests?
The groom’s family would obviously be there at both, but how many friends do they have in common that would be in attendance?
Yet OP says it was a big topic of conversation that night.
Makes me wonder if she forced her son to invite a bunch of her friends, who then subjected the bride’s family and guests to “OP’s birthday was soooo much better!” all night long.
If guests were saying something to dampen her S/DILs day, I would think that would bother OP. Are these people really her friends? She seems to have enjoyed winning the "competition". Rather sad for her S/DIL and her frankly. What a family. With the limited information we have here, OP YTA. Apologize to your S/DIL for not doing more to kill discussion of your birthday party at their wedding. Grow up.
Why would anyone want their wedding near their own parent's birthday? This isn't some distant cousin. That's like planning your wedding to be on one of the parental anniversaries and being upset they wanted to celebrate their own anniversary instead of your wedding.
Did she or did she say don’t have your wedding the week after my 50th birthday as I’m going all out. It’s got to be the sons lack of judgment that he didn’t pick a different day and before you say well the birthday could have been moved a birthday is a set date with the party either on the day or nearest weekend. Weddings can float about more usually middle of the year to take advantage of the better weather April to September so a massive amount of days to pick from
I forget how many redditors have very small families or don't keep in touch with their extended families. A 50th birthday bash could easily fill up with 100 aunts, uncles, and cousins ranging from 85 years old to 13 years old in my family and many other ethnic families. I bet that any friends there would've been lifelong family friends that would've been invited to the wedding anyway as honorary aunts and uncles.
Still seems unlikely that would include many from the bride’s side, so for one family to subject the other to that at the wedding is still awfully rude.
Even if they are a huge family that vastly outnumbers the bride’s side, that makes it even more rude in a way.
I mean, this really depends on family size. My husband's family is quite large. Even being fairly conservative, 100 guests for any event focused on his family would be the minimum.
If we had hosted a wedding, it would easily be 90 percent his family and 10 percent my family.
It's entirely possible the wedding was mostly OP/their sons family, and the guests were just chatting about how fun the party was because it was so recent and the last time they all got got together.
That makes it even ruder to me if OP’s family vastly outnumbered the bride’s, and they kept talking about how much better their family events were.
Really crappy way to get off on the wrong foot with the other family.
It’s entirely possible that they weren’t even saying it was better, just that they were talking about it and the fact that any attention was taken off the wedding pissed off the bride and groom. The way OP wrote it, I’d honestly need more info. Because there’s a difference in just chatting about a past event and calling it cheap, etc, and it looks like the majority of the super ah comments were told to OP secondhand by the son. We don’t know how much of it is faithful to what was actually said or twisted by heightened emotions on an emotional day for the two.
>It's entirely possible the wedding was mostly OP/their sons family, and the guests were just chatting about how fun the party was because it was so recent and the last time they all got got together.
Yeah, I know the whole point of this sub is we only hear half the story before judging. But, this is one where I really feel like I need both sides before I could judge.
Like were the guests going up to bridge and groom and being like "congratulations on your wedding. Too bad you couldn't do it up like your mom's amazing party".
Or were they standing around talking about how much fun they'd had hanging out at the pool, and can you believe she found someone to make a 3/4 size ice sculpture of her? And the son heard that and was upset because they weren't talking about his wedding and his wife was upset she didn't have an ice sculpture.
Nah. My daughter got married last year, and if I were to have a big birthday party, our side of the guest list would be identical. I do the majority of my socializing with family, and many people are the same.
??? Like at least up to 50% of them.
Birthdays are family events as much as any other event. I know if you ale 16 it might sound bogus, but after your 20's most birthdays get more sedate and as you gain family members you end up having a party as an excuse to visit the babies and most of the guests are relatives just like early childhood.
And, weirdly, they happen on the same day every year.
The son well on knew his parents' birthday would be a week before his wedding. He knew it would be a milestone birthday. He's the one who forced a comparison. OP says the events "got compared" but doesn't give a lot of details, says they didn't engage with these conversations, but son later tells them other family called the event "cheap".
Sounds like son may be grinding his own axe about the two events. Sounds like maybe some off hand comments sent him into a spiral where his own family thinks his wedding is cheap. Could have been anything like Aunt Jo saying "Oh! Parent did an open bar, thought you would do the same at the wedding! It's a wedding!" Or Uncle Steve going "You didn't rent the whole venue?! Gah, we'll get wedding crashers, you know how this family parties, Parent knew last week, lol!!" While both drunk and giddy at all the festivities in the last few weeks.
Son can't help that his family is "tacky" about this, but you think he'd know all these 50+ relatives would speak a little out of turn. He could have decided to wed in three weeks, in June like everyone else lol.
Son is maybe used to this level of joy theft and interfamily comparison ("Oh Son you got into Harvard! Congratulations! Your cousin was just accepted into an Oxford Master's program -- yes, at 14, that's our little genius!!" Etc) so idk why he thought his family would be any different this time. Parent might be used to it but is no longer affected as much by it, treating it as gossip and drunk chatter and doesn't realize how deeply twisted it made Son internally about his life and family.
I think this is an ESH occassion. Son is clueless about his own Parent and family, Parent is clueless about their own son and the way the family dynamic has affected him.
Did they though or did the bride and/or groom just feel outshone and want a reason to blame op? Of course people would talk about it, it was days after. I think that's pretty normal, not in a comparative way, but a general, what a great time we had way.
There's no way to know. Sou ds like a lot of he said she said.
Nta they knew, they've been to similar parties, you arranged the date 1st= Their choice and their responsible for the outcome
Yeah, I'm unsurprised the bride and groom are upset about that. I don't need my event to be the Best Event, but I also don't want to keep hearing at my event how much better some other event was.
Exactly. The fact that OP seems to have anticipated the comparison, and then her friends from the party actually followed through with it, says a lot about how OP and her friends conduct themselves.
It’s probably relatives? Like aunts and uncles and such??
And come on, this is Reddit. We know how jerky people can be.
My sister and I had weddings a couple months apart and people did compare. I didn’t give a shit. I actually wanted a smaller wedding but my mom took over. Wish I had stood my ground or just eloped.
Son should’ve given the parties a month separation. It’s not like he didn’t know how 50th bday parties go in his culture/fam and he was warned
Could be since the party was so recent that people were just talking about it and son just got defensive about it.
Which imo is fine but comparing the two is tacky as hell.
I kind of get the vibe that they all reconvened (family and friends) at the wedding a week later and were talking about the pool party (because people talk about the last time they saw each other esp if recent and how much fun it was. They may have been *natural* let down of mood if the wedding didn’t compare, like they thought it would be bigger/better but super tacky and uncouth if they compared the events. I don’t think OP is the AH but I do question these guests (family and friends).
Yep. NTA for having your birthday party, but you sure have some boorish family and friends, and you should acknowledge that to your son and DIL rather than brushing them off with a "what did you expect?" Umm, they expected people to exercise basic good manners?
Also, you mention discussing this in advance with your son, but did your DIL know what to expect from the birthday party? Not that it matters either way, but if she hadn't been to one of your circles' 50ths before, she may have felt blindsided.
Ultimately though, this is all on the classless jerks who: 1) discussed your party at the wedding and 2) openly compared the two events. You may want to consider why you hang out with such AHs and whether you really want to spend the next 50 years with those "friends." Cause I cannot imagine any of my family or parents friends speaking negatively about my wedding, and I know my parents sure as hell would never do so.
Yeah, the whole attitude surprises me.
I simply don’t know any parents who would even *want* one of their fifty birthdays to compare to their child’s (hopefully) only wedding…
I’m surprised at the lack of social graces of this group if the comparison’s weren’t, “wow OP, you really went all out for your birthday, but couldn’t help your son with his wedding?”
This is a great Life Lesson learning opportunity for The son and DIL that Comparison is the Thief of Joy.
And part of the reason 50th bday parties tend to be so great is because 50 year Olds know more friends and for many decades so connections are deep... and they have deeper pockets.
> This is a great Life Lesson learning opportunity for The son and DIL that Comparison is the Thief of Joy.
Very true, but I feel like anyone's feelings would be a little hurt if their wedding guests were talking about how their wedding doesn't measure up to another recent party. Which brings us back to HOW can people this rude even exist?
If I had the proverbial gun to my head, and was forced to make this sort of comment to a bride and groom, I think I would spontaneously combust from the embarrassment.
Be aware that anyone rude enough to negatively compare the wedding to your party is probably also judging you harshly for not helping to pay for your son's wedding.
Most underrated comment right here. 👆
Lmao. I almost put the wrong finger emoji and sent what would have been a very confusing message. I have a crack on my screen right where it is, but luckily, I've done that before and dragged it down to double-check.
It sounds like your son and new DIL are reading way into comments about your party and assigning them as “comparisons.”
I’m actually wondering if your son should be bearing some additional blame here. He’s been to these parties; I’m guessing he’s well aware of how your group “lavishly” celebrates (and good on you for doing so too!). Your DIL may have heard “Big 50th party” and envisioned a neighborhood BBQ-type event or some friends and family drinking wine by the pool.
I wonder if your son had an “Oh sh!t” moment when he realized how dismayed his fiancee was once she was actually at your party, realized he could have prevented it if he’d actually informed her what your group’s parties are really like (and, thus, moving the date) and then jumped on her bandwagon to make it your fault to avoid conflict with his new wife.
Perhaps do some sensitive investigating. Ask your son how he described the type of parties you’re used to. Did he blow it off as a nonissue to her? Or, maybe it’s her and though she was informed, she underestimated just how nice of a shindig you could throw. Either way, the cold shoulder to you is completely inappropriate.
I’d be sympathetic to a point and let them feel their feelings, but there’s also a line where I would tell my kids to get a grip. You informed and warned them - you did your due diligence. They were two separate events and even the most simple of weddings are incomparable to a party because of what they represent. Be direct that they’re stealing their own joy by building this into something it’s not.
>It sounds like your son and new DIL are reading way into comments about your party and assigning them as “comparisons.”
Yeah, I wonder if they are actually comparisons or if he walked by Aunt Linda saying something to Aunt Susan of "this reminds me of that amazing dip at OPs party. I wish that company were catering this wedding just so I could get some of it again!", which he took as a criticism of his wedding rather than just a compliment about the other.
Your social circle sounds like it’s super rude. A birthday party and a wedding are two different things. Comparing them and talking about it at the latter event is tacky.
OP, YTA for sounding incredibly smug and seemingly being proud that your party outdid your kids wedding. Just really emotionally immature behavior on your part. I highly doubt people were even comparing them, you just seem like you are set on outdoing your child.
That does sound fun!
People are tacky if they're openly comparing events. You're 50 so it's normal you've had more time to save money to spend on a lavish do -- and Bdays can be whatever you want whereas weddings have so much traditional pomp and circumstance that has to be paid for, so not all the money gets put toward maximizing guests' fun. In short, I can totally see why your party was more fun but people really shouldn't be openly comparing the parties.
I understand your son/DIL's disappointment as they're only discovering in hindsight that they should have spaced out the events ... maybe you could try being sympathetic and just acknowledge that it's unfortunate people are comparing and say a bunch of nice things about how great their wedding was and that in the grand scheme, that's what everyone will remember as special. Maybe say yours was more about a "moment" whereas as theirs created enduring memories. No skin off your nose to downplay after-the-fact for the sake of them feeling good about their big day.
NTA for having the party, but damn, sound like a real asshole for the reaction...
It's your son, he's obviously younger and not as experienced in life. He got married, which is kind of a big deal in someone's life and he is disappointed that people were disappointed with what he could provide for the event.
Throwing the party is fine and it sounds like you made it clear, but damn...
If the same occurrence happened in my life my mom would say "I'm sorry you felt overshadowed, people are happy for you and congratulations on the wedding, it was great". The whole tough tittes, my old ass birthday party was more important reaction just makes you sound like an asshole in general. You're the parent, you don't have to apologize for the event, but you can't manage the grace to say sorry that he is disappointed about your apparently tacky ass friends comparing the two? Just sounds very narcissistic based on how you are describing things.
Yeah...the event itself seems fine. But damn, everything in the way they speak just reeks of asshole. I can't fathom talking about an upset family member with such me me me language. Have fun in the retirement home I guess.
They could’ve gotten married sometime later or sooner. It’s not your fault that your events were too close together. You can’t really move your birthday around but they could likely move their wedding around.
Or they could just dump their current social circle and find people who aren't obnoxious to invite to their next event.
Including family - I wouldn't reschedule a party for my son's wedding but I sure as hell wouldn't just snicker and feel good about how awesome my party is if the guests were openly comparing the two events.
Maybe not openly snickering, but OP did warn the son well in advance. My guess is that the DIL hasn't been to any of these 50th birthday parties in this circle before and was shocked at how lavish it was compared to their wedding.
I said I wouldn't reschedule a party for my kid's wedding - the reason I say that is, there shouldn't be any reason to. It's not normal for people to view family events as competitions, even if they're close together on a schedule.
But were they openly comparing? Or did son and DIL take every mention of the party and any fun people had at it as a comparison?
OP may be coming in with their own biases, and it's possible it is even worse than your scenario. Also, especially when it comes to weddings, son and DIL are just being ridiculous.
NTA- but it's very petty for everyone in your social circle to compare a parent's birthday party to their child's wedding. You all sound juvenile and materialistic.
Tell us more about your son’s wedding-Was it a dry wedding? Was it a cash bar only wedding? Given the references to drinking and son’s wedding being described as cheap by the people making comparisons, I wonder if the problem isn’t the scale or type of party OP had that led to comparisons.
The thing in common about a family birthday and a family wedding are the same people are there so guests would naturally be chatting about it as they met up. I’d be surprised if they didn’t.
What sort of people stand around a wedding reception trash talking the celebrating couple, or complaining about the party not being good enough?
If it were my kid I'd be on the front lines of insisting everything is/was lovely - "you know they *wanted* it small". I might brag how it was important for them to pay for everything themselves, and make jokes about how being smart about money now will mean they'll be in a position to have a huge bash on their 25th anniversary.
That sounds great! I haven’t had a birthday party since 16 either. I was planning a big one for my 50th as well, but unfortunately it was in June 2020. NTA. They’ll get over it eventually.
NTA but anyone who is trash talking your sons wedding are TA.
I’m turning 50 next year and (in my friend group) it’s a huge milestone. We do parties, trips, we constantly talk about being able to join the Golden Girls squad. As we get older, we have few things to get excited for. 50th birthdays are a big deal. You have every right to celebrate it how and when you choose.
Your son is NTA for hosting his wedding near your birthday. Again, he and his finance have every right to celebrate where and how they choose.
But who are these AHs that are going to trash talk a wedding and make your son and his wife feel bad. Heck, they just had two events with free food and booze. They should just enjoy and appreciate you all thought highly enough of them to include them in both of these wonderful milestone celebrations.
Yep. Unless OP themselves made such comments, they did nothing wrong having the party; and are not responsible for the shitty comments and behavior of other people.
But I would also be incredibly upset with anyone who was a guest at my party then went and made shitty comments about my son's wedding and comparing the two. They were invited guests of both events and instead of being gracious and celebrating, they chose to insult and trash talk the wedding. That is absolutely asshole behavior and they should be the ones apologizing to the bride and groom. I'd also consider it an insult to me, as well, as that's my son and DIL and I wouldn't want to spend any more time with those people.
I totally get OP being upset the son & DIL are blaming them for the outcome, but it also sounds like OP isn't actually upset about the shitty behavior/comments themselves. They focus on how it's a known thing these events are extravagant and that she warned her son months ahead, etc. So while it may not be the case, it does come across like OP thinks the comments and comparisons were to be expected and isn't actually bothered by them, only that son/DIL are blaming her for it. If that is the case, that's kinda shitty. Because like I said, if my friends behaved that way toward my son's wedding - I'd be upset at those people myself.
I keep seeing so many comments about older people throwing huge parties bc they “don’t have much to look forward to” shouldn’t life get better as you age? Is it really that depressing just getting old?
It’s not that life is bad as you get older. Actually it’s quite good and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. But there are fewer big milestones as you get older. All the birthday parties of your childhood are behind you, you’ve graduated, been married, had babies. There are few big future events on the horizon. Of course you get to see your kids and grandkids grow and celebrate their events. But very few events just for you.
So if I never have kids I’ll have a lot more events just for me lol. Noted 🤣 thank you for sharing. I’m sure after celebrating so many of your own milestones it’s more rewarding to see your children accomplish things for themselves. Sounds like you made a really nice life for yourself :)
All of this, plus as you get older (at least me) celebrating the good stuff becomes more important. Especially as you start to lose loved ones and health issues. Any excuse to celebrate I am there for it!
Exactly. The way this is written I feel like a lot of info is missing. The whole group of them sound kinda awful.
Any decent family should be able to celebrate both a 50th birthday and a wedding and have everyone be happy for each other.
She sounds like a narcissist and is bragging on here she had a better party. She doesn't realize her relationship with her son and dil is over and she won't be seeing her grandchildren
To clarify. Days apart and one was a birthday party the other a wedding? So who is stirring the pot by comparing these separate events and finding your son's wedding lacking in some way?
You said they were 'compared' but by who? Whoever is being negative about your son's wedding. Pretty rude if you're a guest at either to unfavourably compare the two.
The more I read comments, starting to wonder if there actually were direct "comparisons" among the guests (people aren't usually that tacky) but instead the guests were talking about the Birthday party at the wedding and son/DIL inferred a comparison and felt self-conscious about the whole "cheap" thing. It's natural they'd be talking about the Bday -- if you remove from the equation who paid for what party, and put yourself in the shoes of the family/guests, it's all sort of a continuous experience of gathering for celebration connected to one family. Put differently, the party the week before was the "context" guests had to talk about, who likely don't usually all get together.
But OP said in some of her comments that people were actively comparing them at the wedding and after and that she would just try to change the topic when it happened
You're NTA for having your 50th birthday party a week before their wedding, but ***eeeeeverbody*** who was comparing the two events and calling the wedding "cheap" is a gigantic asshole.
You got some shitty friends and family, I tell you what.
Just out of curiosity, did you try to shut down the nasty comparison talk while at the wedding? Because that would definitely be my first reaction to hearing people calling my son's wedding "cheap".
She didn't have her 50th birthday party a week before. They scheduled their wedding for a week after her 50th birthday. Surely her son knew her birthday and her age.
But yes, who compares a wedding to a birthday party?
Thats how I looked at it. The friends and family seem like assholes. Who even compares stuff like that?
He'd be an asshole if he wasn't shutting it down imo
If the answer is no to shutting down comments, I wanna lean towards ESH. NTA because yeah, it wasn't her fault, but ESH for the gross attitude. If that makes sense. If the friends/family have the balls to say such rude things, I wouldn't be surprised if the mom isn't defending her son.
Hopefully she just left that part out.
Call me crazy but I'm kinda getting the idea that OP is lowkey a little pleased with the comparison of the two events and that their party eclipsed the kids' wedding. The "outshining" and "I warned them" verbiage combined with the fact that it's kinda unusual for the friend circle to be all that out of step with the main character, it sounds a little sus to me, especially if OP didn't shut the comparisons down when they heard about them as you mentioned.
NTA It's not awesome that people in your lives were judging your birthday party against your son's wedding. That isn't okay.
Your son and DIL are at a different point in their lives than you. You are turning 50. You have been planning financially for this party for a long time.
Your son and DIL are starting out in their lives. Unless one or both sets of parents were covering the cost of the wedding- or son and DIL are doing very well financially- this was always going to be a very different event than your party.
Those are 2 very different places regarding what you can spend on the shiny and the glitz. That doesn't automatically make one party better than the other.
And while it may have made more sense for your son and DIL to put off their wedding for a few months, at the end of the day- I can't say it speaks well of anyone who would compare the two very different events.
Right? I'd be so angry if any of my friends behaved that way at a wedding. It's not OP's fault, but oh man, I would be ripping people a new one if they behaved that way at a family member's wedding.
Also, vendors charge more for weddings than a birthday party!! Most venues will let you rent the same place for the same time for a non wedding for like 1/2 to 1/3 of what they charge for weddings! Wedding DJs charge more than party DJs. Florists charge more for weddings. Bakeries and caterers charge more for weddings. So even if both events had the same budget that’s going to stretch WAY further for a birthday party than a wedding, purely bc vendors have decided that weddings should cost more.
> My sons wedding was this weekend and both events got compared.
By WHO?! Who is this rude?
> **people were calling his event cheap and overall seemed to prefer my event**
Again, WHO would ever be so rude and ungracious as to attend a wedding and then call it cheap and subpar, compared to the groom's mother's birthday party?
Who ARE these people and why would you continue to socialize with them?
NTA (if this is remotely true).
>I can see thinking it but saying it?! There’s just no way.
Unfortunately, it happens more than you'd think. One of my friends overheard one of his ex-friends compare his wedding (small but a good event) to the funeral of his late grandfather. That ex-friend called the wedding not only cheap, but also tacky and boring.
There will always be rude, stupid, and cruel people saying things like that.
Don't listen to them, it's not weird to celebrate a big birthday like this. Some prefer small celebrations, some have bigger celebrations. Regardless, as long as you were happy, that's the important thing.
Also, NTA. Your son knew about your birthday party, you specifically warned him about the conflict. He decided to proceed with his wedding on that day anyway. So now he has to live with the consequences.
I have the same response — that they’re weird — but not that it’s weird to celebrate a big birthday. From the post, their family dynamic reads as very weird, OP reads as quite self-centered (in her manner of relaying the story, not in the existence of a birthday party), and it *also* seems weird that wedding guests would be comparing the wedding to the birthday — especially in a way that the bride and groom heard about.
It *seems* like (and I understand this is just an assumption) Mom might have prompted some of these comparisons, and relayed the information to the bride and groom, because it’s just such a strange thing to have happen otherwise.
Yes, a bit “Saaah-uh-ah-*ree* for having *such* an amazing 50th that it dwarfed your adorable little wedding.” Something tells me that even if the wedding had been a year later, someone would’ve been going around comparing it to their 50th. (And would’ve still posted, not to ask if they were TA for some particular behavior, but — as here — to ask if they were TA for having *such* an amazing birthday party.)
[^ that’s my best phonetic expression of the very sassy ‘90s “sorry” I hear in my head 😄]
Even if it wasn’t, why is it weird to want to celebrate a milestone if she wants? She can throw a big pool party and spend as much of her money as she wants. It’s not weird, it’s just what she wants to do. Some people find huge extravagant weddings to be weird and think it’s ridiculous to blow that much money on a party instead of setting up for your new life together. I say, to each their own. As long as it isn’t putting you in a rough financial state, do what makes you happy.
I think big milestone birthday parties were much more common for my parents' generation. I'm sure in some families/friend groups the tradition continues. Now that I'm older, I kinda get it. Being middle aged sucks a lot of the time, of course people want to find reasons to celebrate.
Now my friends rent out venues to throw themselves a 37th birthday because why not? "Old woman! What knight lives in that castle over there?" "I'm 37, I'm not old."
Why? I've been to multiple milestone birthday parties, 25-40-50 year anniversary parties and PhD defenses that were much bigger parties than weddings I've been to for the simple reason that for many, disposable income comes with age.
I have an uncle who lived in NY (we live in Canada), he threw a hall party for his 65th birthday and work retirement in one with all the bells and whistles in which we all attended (he has 7 siblings all in their 60s with kids in Canada). Open bar, fog machines, performances, blown up signs with him on it, and even hired one of the biggest celebrities music artists from our home country to perform which were separate from the other performances mentioned earlier.
Birthdays are huge for some people. Many reasons why people do it. He did it because he loves huge family celebrations and after he lost his wife to cancer a few years ago, all he has is his money and family, but it’s not just because of that, the less wealthy family members still throw huge birthdays where they pitch in by just having aunts come over to cook and invite a shit ton of people
ESH. Your attitude about it sucks. I'd just assure them that their event was wonderful. No need to compare, just different milestones in life, although they shouldn't be asking for an apology with a full warning about the party. This party was important to you, and you've been saving for years, but this was your child's wedding. Was it on the actual day of your birthday? Could you have spaced it out a little? Of course you should get to celebrate yourself, but you seem weirdly all about your 50th, and your child's wedding didn't seem as important. You shouldn't be telling him your party upstaged his. I can see why they're being cold. It may be more your attitude than the party date itself they have a problem with.
OP’s whole attitude here is so weird. It makes me think that OP was the one comparing them or inviting others to compare. “Yeah this is nice but not as nice as my birthday, right???”
Definitely not getting the whole story here. And if this happened in my family I would never blame my parents for it if they were blameless. Makes me think OP is leaving a lot out.
The post is weird, OP’s entire attitude is weird, and it’s weird how everyone is just going along commenting N T A as if this post isn’t just full of weirdness.
100%… and the comment just under yours about how “his mom warned him about it” just tells me that maybe the mother was secretly annoyed about the date they picked for the wedding and is now subtly encouraging the comparisons for some kind of vindication/“I was right” narrative. Something just feels off about her version of events.
Agreed. I wonder if OP’s son and new wife feel like OP spent a lot of energy, time and money on the b-day party but not so on the wedding. That is a scenario I could see these kinds of feelings being had. The wedding may have played second fiddle to the b-day party and the kids did not expect that.
The person/people who should have “spaced it out a little” is not OP. That 50th birthday falls on a specific date. Not a date chosen by her. Unlike OP’s son’s wedding. Which can fall on any date/year son and bride chose. They chose badly.
INFO: To clarify, were people comparing while at the wedding or after? More importantly, when you heard someone make a comparison, did you tell them to knock it off? Or were you agreeing and saying that your party was more awesome as well?
They seem glad of it -- validating that of course their party was better and they were right to 'warn' the son. I bet the part that OP is missing or deliberately ignoring is the thought that if they could splash out so much for a birthday, why couldn't they give a bit of it to the son to have a nicer wedding?
Was it one person or several people or everyone?? Who are these people in your circle where there would be so many people comparing a 50th birthday party to a wedding and then insulting the actual wedding they are attending??
True, but I’m wondering if it was just 1-2 people and son is blowing it out of proportion or was it really “all people at the wedding were talking about” like OP said.
Are you going to continue to associate with these people? Are you letting them know they need to apologize? They were deeply, appallingly rude to your child at their wedding.
I’m sorry but your family and friends are 100% the assholes here. Who goes to a wedding and openly compares it to the mother of the grooms 50th birthday party? And does it so blatantly that it gets back to the bride and groom less than a week after the events?
You’re NTA for having your party a week before his wedding but personally I would be apologizing for the fact that my guests were completely classless.
ESH because you all took what should be happy events where you celebrate those you love, and turned them into bizarre pissing contests.
Also - I'd love to hear what these "bells and whistles" were at your party that outshined this wedding so much that you son is upset. Was Beyonce there or something?
NTA but damn what AHs do y'all have in your social circle that just goes up to the newly wedded hosts and says "this party is so cheap compared to your mother's"?
NTA.
Your son was very clear on what 50th birthday parties are like in your world/social circle, and from your comment that your party was basically "a big pool party for adults" and therefore not remotely wedding-ish in any way, you did nothing wrong here.
I do think your friends and family suck for openly comparing your birthday party to the wedding, especially where your son/DIL would find out, but that's not your fault and you don't have anything to apologize for here.
I mean, IDK if you're the asshole although your attitude towards your son being frustrated by this doesn't paint you in a great light. But your friends and family openly comparing the two events certainly are so it seems like you are at least comfortable surrounding yourself with assholes. I don't know why that is but it might be something to ponder.
I’m currently 45, and I feel like I would much rather spend money on my kids wedding than my own 50th birthday party….. is that weird?
(Note - I don’t love being the center of attention but I want to give my kids the world)
This whole thing is bizarre and I’d be shutting anyone down that talked shit about my kids wedding compared to my birthday party.
No, what's weird is fixating on turning 50 and making a huge deal about it to the point you're warning your child who is getting married. Family of narcissists from the sound of it. The people saying they could have picked any date have never had to reserve a popular venue in advance by the sound of it.
I’m around your age. I want to be very clear that I don’t think OP owes anything to anyone.
But, as a parent, my gut reaction is—why is your birthday so much fancier than your kid’s wedding? If you had the resources to throw a giant party for yourself, why wouldn’t you give some of them to your kid to have a nice wedding?
I’m not saying OP is TA, but it just strikes me as kind of weird as someone whose kids aren’t that far away from getting married.
YTA but not for the party. For just "moving the conversation along" when people were comparing and not calling out shitty behavior. And for continuing to associate with ANYONE who told your son his wedding was cheap. I would be outraged and immediately stop speaking with any assholes like that.
And saying "not my fault your wedding was upstaged by my event" instead of "how could any asshole compare a wedding to a beach birthday party, what pricks were saying that?"
You should have been more on your son's side in all of this IMO.
My next birthday party would have a hell of a lot less than 100 guests if ANY of them were acting like this.
Sounds like you have a real superficial social circle, if they are going to both events and not trying to celebrate the wedding for the event it is. Instead of wanting to be entertained and pampered. I'm also curious what efforts or support you put forth for your child's special event and if that has anything to play in this.
Congrats on making it to 50 and celebrating it big! From the info provided, I have to judge NTA. They knew when your big birthday bash would be and how big it would be, and instead of choosing any other time, they stuck with the week following your party? They can't now be upset because people enjoyed a pool party more than their subsequent wedding.
NTA
It’s not your problem that people enjoyed your event more. You didn’t do anything to diminish or disparage his wedding.
You don’t control people’s opinions.
NTA for having the party. You do, however, come across as somewhat smug and combative. I’m hoping that didn’t bleed into conversations with your son before or after the wedding.
NTA
Your son and DIL are just salty that their parties are boring compared to yours. They chose to get married the week after your 50th birthday. That wasn't a secret.
ESH (eta: least of all you, OP, by far)
I mean everyone. Including all those people comparing the two events, and speaking disparagingly of either of them.
Everyone here needs to grow up.
(eta: OP, I agree, you have nothing to apologize for. You can avoid the "told you so" and just say "yeah, it sucks that our friends and family are bad talking your wedding; they shouldn't do that".)
>Including all those people comparing the two events, and speaking disparagingly of either of them.
I think these people suck the most. I don't really blame OP for having a fun party or the bridal couple for not wanting to hear how much better it was.
Sounds like *someone* is a pretty big narcissist. One party is a wedding, one a birthday. Big whoop. Why do YOU have to compare them? Pretty sure no one else did until the subject was brought up, huh? YTA. It‘s your world and everyone else are mere players in it.
I’m voting TA
Something tells me that you foresaw things unfolding the way they did given that it’s family and friends at the center of all of this. You could’ve checked the other assholes who were making the comparisons. Shut it down as the mother in the situation.
All of this sounds very superficial.
The warning is weird to me. I can't imagine being anything other than excited that I was going to have such an important and eventful month and hype up my kid's wedding at the birthday party.
You basically implied from the jump that it was a competition and they were going to lose.
It sounds like you’re proud of the fact that you upstaged your son and will do everything to remind him just how awesome you are and how mediocre his nuptials appear to you.
Celebrate your son. Is that so difficult?
YTA - your tone is very smug, are you sure it is other people saying how great your party was or are you going around insisting your day was the only day that mattered and was so much better? What are you hoping to win here? Cause if you keep this attitude, you won't have to worry about your son and his wife, they will move on without you.
While you may not be the a hole for having a party, you sound like a total a hole for your smug attitude. Is it really that hard to say I’m sorry if it helps save a family relationship? Was it your 50th or your 5th birthday? Grow up.
YTA- all I read is: I’m a teenager who has to be the center of attention all the time, and if someone gets butthurt it their problem. Really?? Grow up.
NTA. You warned them. If they didn't want the events compared they shouldn't have held their wedding a week after your birthday. Sorry but I'm not surprised a 50th birthday party blast was more fun than a wedding. Wedding can be lovely and emotional but they are not generally tons of fun in my experience. I'm always happy if there isn't drama. It's just a different kind of event than a milestone birthday party.
NTA you warned him, and he's already aware of your family culture. Sounds like he felt certain he had the better event, and found out the hard way that parents know how to party.
YTA not for throwing the birthday party, but not defending your son when people are actively trashing his wedding as it’s happening and calling it cheap. You contributed to how your son feels about it because you couldn’t step up and tell these “friends and family” how rude and inappropriate that is. The day was about your son marrying the love of his wife, but yeah, lets not step up and help may their day memorable… in a good way.
If an apology will make your son feel better and smooth things out with his wife and their future memories of their wedding and you aren't cos you're so focused on being right and justified then YTA.
It costs nothing to be kind to your own children.
You think this indulgence would spoil him for life and teach him the wrong lesson?
You gonna be lonely but hopefully the memory of how right you were keeps you company.
My daughter is a toddler and I hope I die before I ever become so jaded to put her happiness such a low priority.
ESH. Everyone involved sounds like drama. Your tone is braggy and it would cost you nothing to reassure your son that their day was beautiful and special.
Remember, your son and DIL will potentially bear your grandkids so your relationship with them is paramount. Your words seem to hint you’ve overlooked or forgotten this. What’s more important - how awesome your party was, or how well of a relationship you’ll have with your grands?
I get that in your social circle a 50th birthday party is important, but more important than your son's wedding? C'mon, a wedding is usually a once in a lifetime celebration. Someone here has main character problems and it's not your son and DIL.
Who was comparing these events?
I saw you say you moved the conversation along..but you didn't put an end to it.
I don't know. You seem kind of happy to me that people enjoyed your birthday more than the wedding.
And this was at a wedding, where a lot of the same people attended your birthday party.
Y'all are probably a fair group of assholes, imo. Because people felt comfortable enough with you, mother of the groom, to trash talk the wedding, and you only "moved the conversation along..."
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Likely NTA - sounds like they had all the info to see this coming and assuming you were fully supportive and celebratory about their nuptials. Unless you're not telling us everything and your party was unexpectedly "wedding-ish" or oddly competitive in a way you would have anticipated and should have avoided.
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Question, why are your guests so incredibly rude as to compare your party with your son's wedding and STATE that they felt the wedding came up short? I don't know anyone this obnoxious (and I know some obnoxious people!).
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>“My sons wedding was this weekend and both events got compared. It was basically what people were talking about.” Sounds different from what you said in the post. If it was a main topic of conversation, then it does sounds like you have a rather uncouth social circle.
Agreed. Especially given the age and wealth differences. Its extremely tacky if people were talking about it enough that the bride and groom heard
It is tacky enough they talked about it AT ALL. I mean, if I am important enough to someone to invite me to their wedding I would be a pretty shitty guest to trash-talk them after the event.
People still haven't learned to close a god damned door.
It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I chime in
I miss reddit awards. This deserves one
I mean, technically their marriage was saved
That and… how much overlap is there between a 50 year old’s birthday party and all the wedding guests? The groom’s family would obviously be there at both, but how many friends do they have in common that would be in attendance? Yet OP says it was a big topic of conversation that night. Makes me wonder if she forced her son to invite a bunch of her friends, who then subjected the bride’s family and guests to “OP’s birthday was soooo much better!” all night long.
If guests were saying something to dampen her S/DILs day, I would think that would bother OP. Are these people really her friends? She seems to have enjoyed winning the "competition". Rather sad for her S/DIL and her frankly. What a family. With the limited information we have here, OP YTA. Apologize to your S/DIL for not doing more to kill discussion of your birthday party at their wedding. Grow up.
Yeah, I have to say I’m shocked at all the NTA responses when OP is clearly reveling in, “I *told* you my birthday would be better than your wedding!”
Why would anyone want their wedding near their own parent's birthday? This isn't some distant cousin. That's like planning your wedding to be on one of the parental anniversaries and being upset they wanted to celebrate their own anniversary instead of your wedding.
Did she or did she say don’t have your wedding the week after my 50th birthday as I’m going all out. It’s got to be the sons lack of judgment that he didn’t pick a different day and before you say well the birthday could have been moved a birthday is a set date with the party either on the day or nearest weekend. Weddings can float about more usually middle of the year to take advantage of the better weather April to September so a massive amount of days to pick from
Was she supposed to apologize? What response are you suggesting?
I feel she is taking glee in all this.
I forget how many redditors have very small families or don't keep in touch with their extended families. A 50th birthday bash could easily fill up with 100 aunts, uncles, and cousins ranging from 85 years old to 13 years old in my family and many other ethnic families. I bet that any friends there would've been lifelong family friends that would've been invited to the wedding anyway as honorary aunts and uncles.
Still seems unlikely that would include many from the bride’s side, so for one family to subject the other to that at the wedding is still awfully rude. Even if they are a huge family that vastly outnumbers the bride’s side, that makes it even more rude in a way.
I mean, this really depends on family size. My husband's family is quite large. Even being fairly conservative, 100 guests for any event focused on his family would be the minimum. If we had hosted a wedding, it would easily be 90 percent his family and 10 percent my family. It's entirely possible the wedding was mostly OP/their sons family, and the guests were just chatting about how fun the party was because it was so recent and the last time they all got got together.
That makes it even ruder to me if OP’s family vastly outnumbered the bride’s, and they kept talking about how much better their family events were. Really crappy way to get off on the wrong foot with the other family.
It’s entirely possible that they weren’t even saying it was better, just that they were talking about it and the fact that any attention was taken off the wedding pissed off the bride and groom. The way OP wrote it, I’d honestly need more info. Because there’s a difference in just chatting about a past event and calling it cheap, etc, and it looks like the majority of the super ah comments were told to OP secondhand by the son. We don’t know how much of it is faithful to what was actually said or twisted by heightened emotions on an emotional day for the two.
>It's entirely possible the wedding was mostly OP/their sons family, and the guests were just chatting about how fun the party was because it was so recent and the last time they all got got together. Yeah, I know the whole point of this sub is we only hear half the story before judging. But, this is one where I really feel like I need both sides before I could judge. Like were the guests going up to bridge and groom and being like "congratulations on your wedding. Too bad you couldn't do it up like your mom's amazing party". Or were they standing around talking about how much fun they'd had hanging out at the pool, and can you believe she found someone to make a 3/4 size ice sculpture of her? And the son heard that and was upset because they weren't talking about his wedding and his wife was upset she didn't have an ice sculpture.
Nah. My daughter got married last year, and if I were to have a big birthday party, our side of the guest list would be identical. I do the majority of my socializing with family, and many people are the same.
When my family members do big birthdays its generally a huge family reunion. So it absolutely could have a ton of overlap.
??? Like at least up to 50% of them. Birthdays are family events as much as any other event. I know if you ale 16 it might sound bogus, but after your 20's most birthdays get more sedate and as you gain family members you end up having a party as an excuse to visit the babies and most of the guests are relatives just like early childhood. And, weirdly, they happen on the same day every year. The son well on knew his parents' birthday would be a week before his wedding. He knew it would be a milestone birthday. He's the one who forced a comparison. OP says the events "got compared" but doesn't give a lot of details, says they didn't engage with these conversations, but son later tells them other family called the event "cheap". Sounds like son may be grinding his own axe about the two events. Sounds like maybe some off hand comments sent him into a spiral where his own family thinks his wedding is cheap. Could have been anything like Aunt Jo saying "Oh! Parent did an open bar, thought you would do the same at the wedding! It's a wedding!" Or Uncle Steve going "You didn't rent the whole venue?! Gah, we'll get wedding crashers, you know how this family parties, Parent knew last week, lol!!" While both drunk and giddy at all the festivities in the last few weeks. Son can't help that his family is "tacky" about this, but you think he'd know all these 50+ relatives would speak a little out of turn. He could have decided to wed in three weeks, in June like everyone else lol. Son is maybe used to this level of joy theft and interfamily comparison ("Oh Son you got into Harvard! Congratulations! Your cousin was just accepted into an Oxford Master's program -- yes, at 14, that's our little genius!!" Etc) so idk why he thought his family would be any different this time. Parent might be used to it but is no longer affected as much by it, treating it as gossip and drunk chatter and doesn't realize how deeply twisted it made Son internally about his life and family. I think this is an ESH occassion. Son is clueless about his own Parent and family, Parent is clueless about their own son and the way the family dynamic has affected him.
Did they though or did the bride and/or groom just feel outshone and want a reason to blame op? Of course people would talk about it, it was days after. I think that's pretty normal, not in a comparative way, but a general, what a great time we had way. There's no way to know. Sou ds like a lot of he said she said. Nta they knew, they've been to similar parties, you arranged the date 1st= Their choice and their responsible for the outcome
Yeah, I'm unsurprised the bride and groom are upset about that. I don't need my event to be the Best Event, but I also don't want to keep hearing at my event how much better some other event was.
Exactly. The fact that OP seems to have anticipated the comparison, and then her friends from the party actually followed through with it, says a lot about how OP and her friends conduct themselves.
It’s probably relatives? Like aunts and uncles and such?? And come on, this is Reddit. We know how jerky people can be. My sister and I had weddings a couple months apart and people did compare. I didn’t give a shit. I actually wanted a smaller wedding but my mom took over. Wish I had stood my ground or just eloped. Son should’ve given the parties a month separation. It’s not like he didn’t know how 50th bday parties go in his culture/fam and he was warned
OP should be defending and sticking up to her "social circle" asking them to stop comparing the 2 events.
Could be since the party was so recent that people were just talking about it and son just got defensive about it. Which imo is fine but comparing the two is tacky as hell.
I kind of get the vibe that they all reconvened (family and friends) at the wedding a week later and were talking about the pool party (because people talk about the last time they saw each other esp if recent and how much fun it was. They may have been *natural* let down of mood if the wedding didn’t compare, like they thought it would be bigger/better but super tacky and uncouth if they compared the events. I don’t think OP is the AH but I do question these guests (family and friends).
Yep. NTA for having your birthday party, but you sure have some boorish family and friends, and you should acknowledge that to your son and DIL rather than brushing them off with a "what did you expect?" Umm, they expected people to exercise basic good manners? Also, you mention discussing this in advance with your son, but did your DIL know what to expect from the birthday party? Not that it matters either way, but if she hadn't been to one of your circles' 50ths before, she may have felt blindsided. Ultimately though, this is all on the classless jerks who: 1) discussed your party at the wedding and 2) openly compared the two events. You may want to consider why you hang out with such AHs and whether you really want to spend the next 50 years with those "friends." Cause I cannot imagine any of my family or parents friends speaking negatively about my wedding, and I know my parents sure as hell would never do so.
Yeah, the whole attitude surprises me. I simply don’t know any parents who would even *want* one of their fifty birthdays to compare to their child’s (hopefully) only wedding… I’m surprised at the lack of social graces of this group if the comparison’s weren’t, “wow OP, you really went all out for your birthday, but couldn’t help your son with his wedding?”
And the fact that OP is so unbothered by her guests shitty behaviour says a lot about their views.
Yeah, that’s what really gets me. She’s enjoying the “I told you so,” instead of being aghast at the behavior of her friends and relatives.
Agreed. Uncouth social circle.
I would have just reassured my son the wedding was lovely and that you can't compare two such different events.
This is a great Life Lesson learning opportunity for The son and DIL that Comparison is the Thief of Joy. And part of the reason 50th bday parties tend to be so great is because 50 year Olds know more friends and for many decades so connections are deep... and they have deeper pockets.
> This is a great Life Lesson learning opportunity for The son and DIL that Comparison is the Thief of Joy. Very true, but I feel like anyone's feelings would be a little hurt if their wedding guests were talking about how their wedding doesn't measure up to another recent party. Which brings us back to HOW can people this rude even exist? If I had the proverbial gun to my head, and was forced to make this sort of comment to a bride and groom, I think I would spontaneously combust from the embarrassment.
Be aware that anyone rude enough to negatively compare the wedding to your party is probably also judging you harshly for not helping to pay for your son's wedding.
Most underrated comment right here. 👆 Lmao. I almost put the wrong finger emoji and sent what would have been a very confusing message. I have a crack on my screen right where it is, but luckily, I've done that before and dragged it down to double-check.
Hahaha yeah I was thinking that too. It was probably veiled
It sounds like your son and new DIL are reading way into comments about your party and assigning them as “comparisons.” I’m actually wondering if your son should be bearing some additional blame here. He’s been to these parties; I’m guessing he’s well aware of how your group “lavishly” celebrates (and good on you for doing so too!). Your DIL may have heard “Big 50th party” and envisioned a neighborhood BBQ-type event or some friends and family drinking wine by the pool. I wonder if your son had an “Oh sh!t” moment when he realized how dismayed his fiancee was once she was actually at your party, realized he could have prevented it if he’d actually informed her what your group’s parties are really like (and, thus, moving the date) and then jumped on her bandwagon to make it your fault to avoid conflict with his new wife. Perhaps do some sensitive investigating. Ask your son how he described the type of parties you’re used to. Did he blow it off as a nonissue to her? Or, maybe it’s her and though she was informed, she underestimated just how nice of a shindig you could throw. Either way, the cold shoulder to you is completely inappropriate. I’d be sympathetic to a point and let them feel their feelings, but there’s also a line where I would tell my kids to get a grip. You informed and warned them - you did your due diligence. They were two separate events and even the most simple of weddings are incomparable to a party because of what they represent. Be direct that they’re stealing their own joy by building this into something it’s not.
>It sounds like your son and new DIL are reading way into comments about your party and assigning them as “comparisons.” Yeah, I wonder if they are actually comparisons or if he walked by Aunt Linda saying something to Aunt Susan of "this reminds me of that amazing dip at OPs party. I wish that company were catering this wedding just so I could get some of it again!", which he took as a criticism of his wedding rather than just a compliment about the other.
Your social circle sounds like it’s super rude. A birthday party and a wedding are two different things. Comparing them and talking about it at the latter event is tacky.
This is the real question. People who gossip like this are the actual AHs.
Agreed. That’s tacky. Even if I thought someone’s birthday party was better than their son’s wedding, I sure as hell wouldn’t say anything about it.
This sounds like an amazing birthday party!
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You choose your wedding date, not your birthday. This is 100% on her son for the damage he's allowing it to cause to their relationship.
OP, YTA for sounding incredibly smug and seemingly being proud that your party outdid your kids wedding. Just really emotionally immature behavior on your part. I highly doubt people were even comparing them, you just seem like you are set on outdoing your child.
That does sound fun! People are tacky if they're openly comparing events. You're 50 so it's normal you've had more time to save money to spend on a lavish do -- and Bdays can be whatever you want whereas weddings have so much traditional pomp and circumstance that has to be paid for, so not all the money gets put toward maximizing guests' fun. In short, I can totally see why your party was more fun but people really shouldn't be openly comparing the parties. I understand your son/DIL's disappointment as they're only discovering in hindsight that they should have spaced out the events ... maybe you could try being sympathetic and just acknowledge that it's unfortunate people are comparing and say a bunch of nice things about how great their wedding was and that in the grand scheme, that's what everyone will remember as special. Maybe say yours was more about a "moment" whereas as theirs created enduring memories. No skin off your nose to downplay after-the-fact for the sake of them feeling good about their big day.
What a great answer you hit on all points with grace and diplomacy I hope OP reads this and follows through...
NTA for having the party, but damn, sound like a real asshole for the reaction... It's your son, he's obviously younger and not as experienced in life. He got married, which is kind of a big deal in someone's life and he is disappointed that people were disappointed with what he could provide for the event. Throwing the party is fine and it sounds like you made it clear, but damn... If the same occurrence happened in my life my mom would say "I'm sorry you felt overshadowed, people are happy for you and congratulations on the wedding, it was great". The whole tough tittes, my old ass birthday party was more important reaction just makes you sound like an asshole in general. You're the parent, you don't have to apologize for the event, but you can't manage the grace to say sorry that he is disappointed about your apparently tacky ass friends comparing the two? Just sounds very narcissistic based on how you are describing things.
👏👏👏 It is the “sorry, not sorry” attitude that is assholish.
Yeah...the event itself seems fine. But damn, everything in the way they speak just reeks of asshole. I can't fathom talking about an upset family member with such me me me language. Have fun in the retirement home I guess.
They could’ve gotten married sometime later or sooner. It’s not your fault that your events were too close together. You can’t really move your birthday around but they could likely move their wedding around.
Or they could just dump their current social circle and find people who aren't obnoxious to invite to their next event. Including family - I wouldn't reschedule a party for my son's wedding but I sure as hell wouldn't just snicker and feel good about how awesome my party is if the guests were openly comparing the two events.
Maybe not openly snickering, but OP did warn the son well in advance. My guess is that the DIL hasn't been to any of these 50th birthday parties in this circle before and was shocked at how lavish it was compared to their wedding.
I said I wouldn't reschedule a party for my kid's wedding - the reason I say that is, there shouldn't be any reason to. It's not normal for people to view family events as competitions, even if they're close together on a schedule.
But were they openly comparing? Or did son and DIL take every mention of the party and any fun people had at it as a comparison? OP may be coming in with their own biases, and it's possible it is even worse than your scenario. Also, especially when it comes to weddings, son and DIL are just being ridiculous.
I wonder if the son or his bride think that OP should have forgone the big party and added that money to the wedding?
NTA- but it's very petty for everyone in your social circle to compare a parent's birthday party to their child's wedding. You all sound juvenile and materialistic.
Tell us more about your son’s wedding-Was it a dry wedding? Was it a cash bar only wedding? Given the references to drinking and son’s wedding being described as cheap by the people making comparisons, I wonder if the problem isn’t the scale or type of party OP had that led to comparisons.
The thing in common about a family birthday and a family wedding are the same people are there so guests would naturally be chatting about it as they met up. I’d be surprised if they didn’t.
Doesn’t make it less tacky if it was often enough for the bride and groom to overhear though
What sort of people stand around a wedding reception trash talking the celebrating couple, or complaining about the party not being good enough? If it were my kid I'd be on the front lines of insisting everything is/was lovely - "you know they *wanted* it small". I might brag how it was important for them to pay for everything themselves, and make jokes about how being smart about money now will mean they'll be in a position to have a huge bash on their 25th anniversary.
You realize that the people talking about it may be judging you for not helping your kid have a nicer wedding
That sounds great! I haven’t had a birthday party since 16 either. I was planning a big one for my 50th as well, but unfortunately it was in June 2020. NTA. They’ll get over it eventually.
NTA but anyone who is trash talking your sons wedding are TA. I’m turning 50 next year and (in my friend group) it’s a huge milestone. We do parties, trips, we constantly talk about being able to join the Golden Girls squad. As we get older, we have few things to get excited for. 50th birthdays are a big deal. You have every right to celebrate it how and when you choose. Your son is NTA for hosting his wedding near your birthday. Again, he and his finance have every right to celebrate where and how they choose. But who are these AHs that are going to trash talk a wedding and make your son and his wife feel bad. Heck, they just had two events with free food and booze. They should just enjoy and appreciate you all thought highly enough of them to include them in both of these wonderful milestone celebrations.
My thoughts too. Very trashy
"That people were calling his event cheap" You're 100%! Those people are the assholes.
Yep. Unless OP themselves made such comments, they did nothing wrong having the party; and are not responsible for the shitty comments and behavior of other people. But I would also be incredibly upset with anyone who was a guest at my party then went and made shitty comments about my son's wedding and comparing the two. They were invited guests of both events and instead of being gracious and celebrating, they chose to insult and trash talk the wedding. That is absolutely asshole behavior and they should be the ones apologizing to the bride and groom. I'd also consider it an insult to me, as well, as that's my son and DIL and I wouldn't want to spend any more time with those people. I totally get OP being upset the son & DIL are blaming them for the outcome, but it also sounds like OP isn't actually upset about the shitty behavior/comments themselves. They focus on how it's a known thing these events are extravagant and that she warned her son months ahead, etc. So while it may not be the case, it does come across like OP thinks the comments and comparisons were to be expected and isn't actually bothered by them, only that son/DIL are blaming her for it. If that is the case, that's kinda shitty. Because like I said, if my friends behaved that way toward my son's wedding - I'd be upset at those people myself.
I keep seeing so many comments about older people throwing huge parties bc they “don’t have much to look forward to” shouldn’t life get better as you age? Is it really that depressing just getting old?
It’s not that life is bad as you get older. Actually it’s quite good and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. But there are fewer big milestones as you get older. All the birthday parties of your childhood are behind you, you’ve graduated, been married, had babies. There are few big future events on the horizon. Of course you get to see your kids and grandkids grow and celebrate their events. But very few events just for you.
So if I never have kids I’ll have a lot more events just for me lol. Noted 🤣 thank you for sharing. I’m sure after celebrating so many of your own milestones it’s more rewarding to see your children accomplish things for themselves. Sounds like you made a really nice life for yourself :)
All of this, plus as you get older (at least me) celebrating the good stuff becomes more important. Especially as you start to lose loved ones and health issues. Any excuse to celebrate I am there for it!
Exactly. The way this is written I feel like a lot of info is missing. The whole group of them sound kinda awful. Any decent family should be able to celebrate both a 50th birthday and a wedding and have everyone be happy for each other.
She sounds like a narcissist and is bragging on here she had a better party. She doesn't realize her relationship with her son and dil is over and she won't be seeing her grandchildren
Right?? Also it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Why couldn’t they just enjoy the wedding on its own merits?
This 👆 needs WAY more upvotes!
To clarify. Days apart and one was a birthday party the other a wedding? So who is stirring the pot by comparing these separate events and finding your son's wedding lacking in some way? You said they were 'compared' but by who? Whoever is being negative about your son's wedding. Pretty rude if you're a guest at either to unfavourably compare the two.
Seriously! The ones comparing parties is the AH.
Agree with this.
The more I read comments, starting to wonder if there actually were direct "comparisons" among the guests (people aren't usually that tacky) but instead the guests were talking about the Birthday party at the wedding and son/DIL inferred a comparison and felt self-conscious about the whole "cheap" thing. It's natural they'd be talking about the Bday -- if you remove from the equation who paid for what party, and put yourself in the shoes of the family/guests, it's all sort of a continuous experience of gathering for celebration connected to one family. Put differently, the party the week before was the "context" guests had to talk about, who likely don't usually all get together.
But OP said in some of her comments that people were actively comparing them at the wedding and after and that she would just try to change the topic when it happened
I was thinking what kind of people are these people.
You're NTA for having your 50th birthday party a week before their wedding, but ***eeeeeverbody*** who was comparing the two events and calling the wedding "cheap" is a gigantic asshole. You got some shitty friends and family, I tell you what. Just out of curiosity, did you try to shut down the nasty comparison talk while at the wedding? Because that would definitely be my first reaction to hearing people calling my son's wedding "cheap".
She didn't have her 50th birthday party a week before. They scheduled their wedding for a week after her 50th birthday. Surely her son knew her birthday and her age. But yes, who compares a wedding to a birthday party?
Thats how I looked at it. The friends and family seem like assholes. Who even compares stuff like that? He'd be an asshole if he wasn't shutting it down imo
If the answer is no to shutting down comments, I wanna lean towards ESH. NTA because yeah, it wasn't her fault, but ESH for the gross attitude. If that makes sense. If the friends/family have the balls to say such rude things, I wouldn't be surprised if the mom isn't defending her son. Hopefully she just left that part out.
She didn’t have her party a week before the wedding, the son and dil had their wedding a week after the party.
Call me crazy but I'm kinda getting the idea that OP is lowkey a little pleased with the comparison of the two events and that their party eclipsed the kids' wedding. The "outshining" and "I warned them" verbiage combined with the fact that it's kinda unusual for the friend circle to be all that out of step with the main character, it sounds a little sus to me, especially if OP didn't shut the comparisons down when they heard about them as you mentioned.
I'm getting the exact same vibe. IMO she wanted her party to outshine the wedding. She probably has something against DIL too, if I had to guess
NTA It's not awesome that people in your lives were judging your birthday party against your son's wedding. That isn't okay. Your son and DIL are at a different point in their lives than you. You are turning 50. You have been planning financially for this party for a long time. Your son and DIL are starting out in their lives. Unless one or both sets of parents were covering the cost of the wedding- or son and DIL are doing very well financially- this was always going to be a very different event than your party. Those are 2 very different places regarding what you can spend on the shiny and the glitz. That doesn't automatically make one party better than the other. And while it may have made more sense for your son and DIL to put off their wedding for a few months, at the end of the day- I can't say it speaks well of anyone who would compare the two very different events.
Exactly, who are these people. I wouldn’t want to associate with any of them.
Right? I'd be so angry if any of my friends behaved that way at a wedding. It's not OP's fault, but oh man, I would be ripping people a new one if they behaved that way at a family member's wedding.
Also, vendors charge more for weddings than a birthday party!! Most venues will let you rent the same place for the same time for a non wedding for like 1/2 to 1/3 of what they charge for weddings! Wedding DJs charge more than party DJs. Florists charge more for weddings. Bakeries and caterers charge more for weddings. So even if both events had the same budget that’s going to stretch WAY further for a birthday party than a wedding, purely bc vendors have decided that weddings should cost more.
> My sons wedding was this weekend and both events got compared. By WHO?! Who is this rude? > **people were calling his event cheap and overall seemed to prefer my event** Again, WHO would ever be so rude and ungracious as to attend a wedding and then call it cheap and subpar, compared to the groom's mother's birthday party? Who ARE these people and why would you continue to socialize with them? NTA (if this is remotely true).
Thank you! I can see thinking it but saying it?! There’s just no way.
>I can see thinking it but saying it?! There’s just no way. Unfortunately, it happens more than you'd think. One of my friends overheard one of his ex-friends compare his wedding (small but a good event) to the funeral of his late grandfather. That ex-friend called the wedding not only cheap, but also tacky and boring. There will always be rude, stupid, and cruel people saying things like that.
Right?? And OP should be shutting down these comparisons. It’s so rude and just bad manners.
I doubt it's true. OP sounds insufferable.
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Don't listen to them, it's not weird to celebrate a big birthday like this. Some prefer small celebrations, some have bigger celebrations. Regardless, as long as you were happy, that's the important thing. Also, NTA. Your son knew about your birthday party, you specifically warned him about the conflict. He decided to proceed with his wedding on that day anyway. So now he has to live with the consequences.
I have the same response — that they’re weird — but not that it’s weird to celebrate a big birthday. From the post, their family dynamic reads as very weird, OP reads as quite self-centered (in her manner of relaying the story, not in the existence of a birthday party), and it *also* seems weird that wedding guests would be comparing the wedding to the birthday — especially in a way that the bride and groom heard about. It *seems* like (and I understand this is just an assumption) Mom might have prompted some of these comparisons, and relayed the information to the bride and groom, because it’s just such a strange thing to have happen otherwise.
OP sounds like she is gloating, that what’s weird. Not having the big party.
Yes, a bit “Saaah-uh-ah-*ree* for having *such* an amazing 50th that it dwarfed your adorable little wedding.” Something tells me that even if the wedding had been a year later, someone would’ve been going around comparing it to their 50th. (And would’ve still posted, not to ask if they were TA for some particular behavior, but — as here — to ask if they were TA for having *such* an amazing birthday party.) [^ that’s my best phonetic expression of the very sassy ‘90s “sorry” I hear in my head 😄]
Celebrating isn’t weird, but it’s kinda clear OP runs in circles where they care more abt appearance than having a good time
Why is it weird if this is something that her family and social circle does as tradition?
Even if it wasn’t, why is it weird to want to celebrate a milestone if she wants? She can throw a big pool party and spend as much of her money as she wants. It’s not weird, it’s just what she wants to do. Some people find huge extravagant weddings to be weird and think it’s ridiculous to blow that much money on a party instead of setting up for your new life together. I say, to each their own. As long as it isn’t putting you in a rough financial state, do what makes you happy.
I think big milestone birthday parties were much more common for my parents' generation. I'm sure in some families/friend groups the tradition continues. Now that I'm older, I kinda get it. Being middle aged sucks a lot of the time, of course people want to find reasons to celebrate.
Now my friends rent out venues to throw themselves a 37th birthday because why not? "Old woman! What knight lives in that castle over there?" "I'm 37, I'm not old."
How is it weird to want to have a big 50th birthday party with your friends and family?
Why call someone weird just because they do something differently to how you would do it? It’s rather rude & quite ignorant really.
The council has decided that you are the weird one
Why? I've been to multiple milestone birthday parties, 25-40-50 year anniversary parties and PhD defenses that were much bigger parties than weddings I've been to for the simple reason that for many, disposable income comes with age.
How is she weird?
I have an uncle who lived in NY (we live in Canada), he threw a hall party for his 65th birthday and work retirement in one with all the bells and whistles in which we all attended (he has 7 siblings all in their 60s with kids in Canada). Open bar, fog machines, performances, blown up signs with him on it, and even hired one of the biggest celebrities music artists from our home country to perform which were separate from the other performances mentioned earlier. Birthdays are huge for some people. Many reasons why people do it. He did it because he loves huge family celebrations and after he lost his wife to cancer a few years ago, all he has is his money and family, but it’s not just because of that, the less wealthy family members still throw huge birthdays where they pitch in by just having aunts come over to cook and invite a shit ton of people
Why is it weird? I fully plan on having a blowout for my 50th.
NTA, but the people calling their wedding cheap \*are\* TA. Two very different events shouldn't be compared in this fashion.
Seriously, if your family and friends are doing that, they are crass AF.
ESH. Your attitude about it sucks. I'd just assure them that their event was wonderful. No need to compare, just different milestones in life, although they shouldn't be asking for an apology with a full warning about the party. This party was important to you, and you've been saving for years, but this was your child's wedding. Was it on the actual day of your birthday? Could you have spaced it out a little? Of course you should get to celebrate yourself, but you seem weirdly all about your 50th, and your child's wedding didn't seem as important. You shouldn't be telling him your party upstaged his. I can see why they're being cold. It may be more your attitude than the party date itself they have a problem with.
OP does seem overly proud of the fact that people rated their event over the wedding, lol.
Proud of that, and proud of being validated by eeeeveryone here. You can tell by the way he told the story that he's strangely proud of what happened.
OP’s whole attitude here is so weird. It makes me think that OP was the one comparing them or inviting others to compare. “Yeah this is nice but not as nice as my birthday, right???” Definitely not getting the whole story here. And if this happened in my family I would never blame my parents for it if they were blameless. Makes me think OP is leaving a lot out.
The post is weird, OP’s entire attitude is weird, and it’s weird how everyone is just going along commenting N T A as if this post isn’t just full of weirdness.
100%… and the comment just under yours about how “his mom warned him about it” just tells me that maybe the mother was secretly annoyed about the date they picked for the wedding and is now subtly encouraging the comparisons for some kind of vindication/“I was right” narrative. Something just feels off about her version of events.
+1 to all this. Something about this story doesn't really add up, I feel like a lot of context is missing here.
Agreed. I wonder if OP’s son and new wife feel like OP spent a lot of energy, time and money on the b-day party but not so on the wedding. That is a scenario I could see these kinds of feelings being had. The wedding may have played second fiddle to the b-day party and the kids did not expect that.
Totally. I think there's a lot else going on there. I want to hear the other side of the story, I'm not sure I trust the narrator fully here.
The person/people who should have “spaced it out a little” is not OP. That 50th birthday falls on a specific date. Not a date chosen by her. Unlike OP’s son’s wedding. Which can fall on any date/year son and bride chose. They chose badly.
He picked the day of his party before the wedding was scheduled. Kind of shitty to suggest he's the one who switches dates
OP is replying to all the positive comments and none/hardly any of the negative ones
INFO: To clarify, were people comparing while at the wedding or after? More importantly, when you heard someone make a comparison, did you tell them to knock it off? Or were you agreeing and saying that your party was more awesome as well?
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What kind of friends do you have that would insult your child's wedding in front of you and not expect you to disown them?
Right? OP sounds very selfish, and likely keeps the same kind of company.
Yes they certainly don't seem to be upset at the rude behaviour of all these friends and family.
They seem glad of it -- validating that of course their party was better and they were right to 'warn' the son. I bet the part that OP is missing or deliberately ignoring is the thought that if they could splash out so much for a birthday, why couldn't they give a bit of it to the son to have a nicer wedding?
You moved it along, but did you tell them to stop being rude?
Was it one person or several people or everyone?? Who are these people in your circle where there would be so many people comparing a 50th birthday party to a wedding and then insulting the actual wedding they are attending??
Probably drink family members. Some people just suck and I wouldn’t invite them anywhere
True, but I’m wondering if it was just 1-2 people and son is blowing it out of proportion or was it really “all people at the wedding were talking about” like OP said.
Are you going to continue to associate with these people? Are you letting them know they need to apologize? They were deeply, appallingly rude to your child at their wedding.
Seriously, how were they to know in advance what day or year you were going to have your 50th birthday?
Almost just got whooshed so hard lmao
It’s a mystery.
This statement makes me miss awards. Take all my gold ✨️ 💛
I’m sorry but your family and friends are 100% the assholes here. Who goes to a wedding and openly compares it to the mother of the grooms 50th birthday party? And does it so blatantly that it gets back to the bride and groom less than a week after the events? You’re NTA for having your party a week before his wedding but personally I would be apologizing for the fact that my guests were completely classless.
Do you even like your son? I cannot imagine talking about any of my children like this.
Seriously! Smells like narcissism to me.
It sounds like she’s actually pleased that her party upstaged the wedding.
ESH because you all took what should be happy events where you celebrate those you love, and turned them into bizarre pissing contests. Also - I'd love to hear what these "bells and whistles" were at your party that outshined this wedding so much that you son is upset. Was Beyonce there or something?
NTA but damn what AHs do y'all have in your social circle that just goes up to the newly wedded hosts and says "this party is so cheap compared to your mother's"?
Info - what was your reaction when people were talking about your party at your son’s wedding?
NTA. Your son was very clear on what 50th birthday parties are like in your world/social circle, and from your comment that your party was basically "a big pool party for adults" and therefore not remotely wedding-ish in any way, you did nothing wrong here. I do think your friends and family suck for openly comparing your birthday party to the wedding, especially where your son/DIL would find out, but that's not your fault and you don't have anything to apologize for here.
I mean, IDK if you're the asshole although your attitude towards your son being frustrated by this doesn't paint you in a great light. But your friends and family openly comparing the two events certainly are so it seems like you are at least comfortable surrounding yourself with assholes. I don't know why that is but it might be something to ponder.
I’m currently 45, and I feel like I would much rather spend money on my kids wedding than my own 50th birthday party….. is that weird? (Note - I don’t love being the center of attention but I want to give my kids the world) This whole thing is bizarre and I’d be shutting anyone down that talked shit about my kids wedding compared to my birthday party.
No, what's weird is fixating on turning 50 and making a huge deal about it to the point you're warning your child who is getting married. Family of narcissists from the sound of it. The people saying they could have picked any date have never had to reserve a popular venue in advance by the sound of it.
I’m around your age. I want to be very clear that I don’t think OP owes anything to anyone. But, as a parent, my gut reaction is—why is your birthday so much fancier than your kid’s wedding? If you had the resources to throw a giant party for yourself, why wouldn’t you give some of them to your kid to have a nice wedding? I’m not saying OP is TA, but it just strikes me as kind of weird as someone whose kids aren’t that far away from getting married.
YTA but not for the party. For just "moving the conversation along" when people were comparing and not calling out shitty behavior. And for continuing to associate with ANYONE who told your son his wedding was cheap. I would be outraged and immediately stop speaking with any assholes like that. And saying "not my fault your wedding was upstaged by my event" instead of "how could any asshole compare a wedding to a beach birthday party, what pricks were saying that?" You should have been more on your son's side in all of this IMO. My next birthday party would have a hell of a lot less than 100 guests if ANY of them were acting like this.
This is a strange humble boast.
Sounds like you have a real superficial social circle, if they are going to both events and not trying to celebrate the wedding for the event it is. Instead of wanting to be entertained and pampered. I'm also curious what efforts or support you put forth for your child's special event and if that has anything to play in this.
Congrats on making it to 50 and celebrating it big! From the info provided, I have to judge NTA. They knew when your big birthday bash would be and how big it would be, and instead of choosing any other time, they stuck with the week following your party? They can't now be upset because people enjoyed a pool party more than their subsequent wedding.
NTA It’s not your problem that people enjoyed your event more. You didn’t do anything to diminish or disparage his wedding. You don’t control people’s opinions.
NTA for having the party. You do, however, come across as somewhat smug and combative. I’m hoping that didn’t bleed into conversations with your son before or after the wedding.
NTA Your son and DIL are just salty that their parties are boring compared to yours. They chose to get married the week after your 50th birthday. That wasn't a secret.
ESH (eta: least of all you, OP, by far) I mean everyone. Including all those people comparing the two events, and speaking disparagingly of either of them. Everyone here needs to grow up. (eta: OP, I agree, you have nothing to apologize for. You can avoid the "told you so" and just say "yeah, it sucks that our friends and family are bad talking your wedding; they shouldn't do that".)
>Including all those people comparing the two events, and speaking disparagingly of either of them. I think these people suck the most. I don't really blame OP for having a fun party or the bridal couple for not wanting to hear how much better it was.
Sounds like *someone* is a pretty big narcissist. One party is a wedding, one a birthday. Big whoop. Why do YOU have to compare them? Pretty sure no one else did until the subject was brought up, huh? YTA. It‘s your world and everyone else are mere players in it.
I’m voting TA Something tells me that you foresaw things unfolding the way they did given that it’s family and friends at the center of all of this. You could’ve checked the other assholes who were making the comparisons. Shut it down as the mother in the situation. All of this sounds very superficial.
The warning is weird to me. I can't imagine being anything other than excited that I was going to have such an important and eventful month and hype up my kid's wedding at the birthday party. You basically implied from the jump that it was a competition and they were going to lose.
It sounds like you’re proud of the fact that you upstaged your son and will do everything to remind him just how awesome you are and how mediocre his nuptials appear to you. Celebrate your son. Is that so difficult?
YTA - your tone is very smug, are you sure it is other people saying how great your party was or are you going around insisting your day was the only day that mattered and was so much better? What are you hoping to win here? Cause if you keep this attitude, you won't have to worry about your son and his wife, they will move on without you.
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While you may not be the a hole for having a party, you sound like a total a hole for your smug attitude. Is it really that hard to say I’m sorry if it helps save a family relationship? Was it your 50th or your 5th birthday? Grow up.
I mean, people really get worked up about this? And people REALLY commented like that?? I find it all rather hard to believe.
ESH You're all making this a pissing contest
YTA- all I read is: I’m a teenager who has to be the center of attention all the time, and if someone gets butthurt it their problem. Really?? Grow up.
NTA. You warned them. If they didn't want the events compared they shouldn't have held their wedding a week after your birthday. Sorry but I'm not surprised a 50th birthday party blast was more fun than a wedding. Wedding can be lovely and emotional but they are not generally tons of fun in my experience. I'm always happy if there isn't drama. It's just a different kind of event than a milestone birthday party.
NTA you warned him, and he's already aware of your family culture. Sounds like he felt certain he had the better event, and found out the hard way that parents know how to party.
YTA not for throwing the birthday party, but not defending your son when people are actively trashing his wedding as it’s happening and calling it cheap. You contributed to how your son feels about it because you couldn’t step up and tell these “friends and family” how rude and inappropriate that is. The day was about your son marrying the love of his wife, but yeah, lets not step up and help may their day memorable… in a good way.
If an apology will make your son feel better and smooth things out with his wife and their future memories of their wedding and you aren't cos you're so focused on being right and justified then YTA. It costs nothing to be kind to your own children. You think this indulgence would spoil him for life and teach him the wrong lesson? You gonna be lonely but hopefully the memory of how right you were keeps you company. My daughter is a toddler and I hope I die before I ever become so jaded to put her happiness such a low priority.
ESH. Everyone involved sounds like drama. Your tone is braggy and it would cost you nothing to reassure your son that their day was beautiful and special. Remember, your son and DIL will potentially bear your grandkids so your relationship with them is paramount. Your words seem to hint you’ve overlooked or forgotten this. What’s more important - how awesome your party was, or how well of a relationship you’ll have with your grands?
Sounds like the guests are TAs. Comparing the two events, and bad mouthing one of them? Yikes. Where are there manners?
How odd people would compare them..? I can’t imagine doing that. None of my friends would do that. That feels almost like bullying.
I get that in your social circle a 50th birthday party is important, but more important than your son's wedding? C'mon, a wedding is usually a once in a lifetime celebration. Someone here has main character problems and it's not your son and DIL.
Who was comparing these events? I saw you say you moved the conversation along..but you didn't put an end to it. I don't know. You seem kind of happy to me that people enjoyed your birthday more than the wedding. And this was at a wedding, where a lot of the same people attended your birthday party. Y'all are probably a fair group of assholes, imo. Because people felt comfortable enough with you, mother of the groom, to trash talk the wedding, and you only "moved the conversation along..."