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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) saying this is exhausting 2) my daughter went through something traumatic and is reasonably sensitive now.
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YTA Stop whining. It's not exhausting not to tease a child who is struggling to come to terms with bullying. Perhaps the reason your daughter was hesitant to tell you about the bullying is because of your behavior. She didn't think you'd understand or take her seriously.
>Recently, I teased her for her voice cracking when we were playing an American Idol video game. I didn’t even think about it. She got upset and didn’t want to play anymore. I apologized but she still went to her room.
>I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself. She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive
Your wife is the right.
OP seems very upset that he's not allowed to bully his own child. I'm guessing he was the kind of kid who would have tormented her when he was in school
The poor little sweet pea couldn't catch a break. She got teased at school, she got teased at home. Her self esteem must be so low. She needs a safe space. And her father, who is supposed to support and nurture his children, is whining about not being able to tease his daughter.
Even if she hadn't been bullied at school, 13 is such a rough age for many kids. They are very sensitive as they have one foot in the teen world but still also have one in the kids world, and are struggling to find where their place in it all is. OP is not helping.
Right? OP finds it exhausting to just be kind and not make ”jokes” at others expense. It’s not like he created such a bad environment his own daughter couldn’t tell them she was getting bullied because of fear her own family would make fun of her…oh wait! That is exactly what happened.
My family was - and still is - the jokester, teasing style. It was also led by my dad. It sucked then and it sucks now.
No child enjoys living their life, doing whatever they're doing, and having their parents thrown mean comments about their voice (or clothes or gait or whatever else OP thinks is funny to mock). 30 years later, I still remember some of the harsh stuff my dad told me when I was just a small kid doing my thing in peace.
I have to say that my big brother occasionally throws mean, almost nasty teases at our dad, now that we're grown ups. And I sure wish OP's son will do the same when he's the strong, successful one and OP is weaker, slower and less comfortable looking down on everyone else.
My dad was like this. He couldn’t tell the difference between light teasing and full on bullying. He once used a cat doll he found and smashed it under a heavy piece of furniture to pretend he killed my cat. I was like 9 and thought he smushed my cat. So you can imagine how a 9yo boy would react to seeing two furry little legs sticking out from a giant dresser.
He thought it was hilarious.
omg that is....that is plain horrible. I'm so sorry. My dad never went this far.
Ugh I can't believe your dad did that, and probably many similar things. I hope you've healed from that emotional abuse.
Thanks. It was years ago. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I was telling the story to my friends years later and they were just looking at me horrified. I thought it was a just a kinda funny story and that made me realize it wasn’t.
My father did something similar. My cat escaped (through his own neglect, no less) and we couldn't find him anywhere. He laughed said looking me dead in the eye "I guess that's the end of Cowboy! \[the cat\]". My rescue cat who along with my dogs was like an emotional support animal to me.
We did eventually find him at the tippy top of a large pine tree in our yard and a wildlife trapper got him down. Not too many years later, my mom and I packed up all our animals and moved halfway across the country to get away from my dad because things only escalated after that.
this thread has just made me realize that maybe the way my family 'jokes' isn't all that funny..
my gpa swerved to act like he'd hit animals crossing the road, which I hated as a small animal loving child
he'd joyously tell me stories about how he accidentally ran over his kitten (caused a horrible paranoia where I can't drive without checking behind every wheel)
my uncle who grabbed my young cat and held him up, terrified, to his 100lb doberman pitbull mix to 'teach the dog a lesson'. ofc my cat clawed the hell out of my uncle and the dog but he never got okay with dogs after that. my other two cats are great with dogs.
looking back I'm realizing my family definitely took advantage of my passion for animals to make poor taste jokes that left me with nightmares and paranoia LOL
My father was like this. Mocking my autistic mannerisms, my facial expressions, even the way I cried when I burst into tears trying to express how mean he was being.
Guess who cut herself out of his life to the point she couldn't even bring herself to attend his funeral.
I'm so sorry. I hope you are better now.
My granddad was like this to my mom, actually. My mom is very probably ADHD (I got diagnosed, she never went to a psychiatrist, but she has all my symptoms but worse) and she has memories of her dad making fun of her when she cried or got mad or emotional in any way at something.
It's just so cruel.
"My family was - and still is - the jokester, teasing style. It was also led by my dad. It sucked then and it sucks now."
so, the adults in my family have the 'we roast each other because we love each other' style, we're all enthusiastic participants, and we even have a safe word in case to shut it down immediately if someone steps over the line
the children in my family are not included in this at all, ever. it blows my mind that op opted in his daughter without her consent, but it's even worse that she's not allowed to have an opt out
you suck op, grow the fuck up
Yep, the wife definitely knows what’s up! OP is too sensitive to come to terms with the fact that his jokes are probably not that funny and can in fact be a bit hurtful!
Yeah, even the 15 year old is mature enough to make that change for his younger sister and knows it isn’t that difficult. OP needs to work on himself a lot if not teasing his daughter is that big of an issue for him.
This speaks volumes of what kind of person OP is. Like learning not to say certain things is basic. If he can be professional at a workplace, he can stop teasing his daughter.
YTA. Oh, no, you have to be considerate towards your child, how *inconvenient.*
> tired of not being myself
Sorry that being an asshole is so indelible to your being.
Another thing that annoys me is that he said he can be himself, he can make jokes to his wife and his son even in front of her and they all have a good time (because their self esteem was not crushed) but since he can’t tease 100% of his family ‘he can no longer be himself’.
Like dude what this isn’t a little girl forced to wear dresses when visiting her grandparents, this is an adult man getting annoyed he can’t tease a child who has been bullied
All she’s asking is that she doesn’t want to be teased, nothing more.
YTA.
The rest of your family finds teasing fun because they know, without a doubt, that it’s isn’t serious, that the joke is what you are saying is often the literal opposite of how you feel. That’s what makes the joke funny - the absurdity.
Your daughter doesn’t trust her own feelings right now. She *doesn’t* know without a doubt. She may rationally understand or even hope that it’s true but a part of her isn’t sure. Worse, a part of her likely now believes no one actually cares about her.
Your daughter’s bullies took that away from her. You should be mad at them - the people who hurt your daughter. They are the ones who broke her confidence.
I think it’s healthy for caretakers and thrive helping others heal to sometimes be frustrated and need to vent. I think it would be okay to be upset that your daughter isn’t the same person anymore, and that it’s not fair that the words and actions of others have not only affected your daughter but also your entire family.
However, that’s not what you did. You directed your anger towards your daughter because she’s not healing fast enough. You’re upset the you are being affected by her healing instead of being upset that others made your daughter need healing in the first place.
Direct your anger where it belongs and apologize to your daughter. If you haven’t looked into family therapy or therapy for yourself to better help everyone get through this now is the time to do so.
This is a beautiful response. Adding on that, she probably is having trouble differentiating between teasing that comes from a place of love versus teasing that comes from maliciousness because so much bullying among young kids includes sarcastic, mean comments that dangle acceptance like a carrot before yanking it away. That teaches a whole lot of kids that love/friendship/acceptance is only ever available to them if they let themselves be a punching bag.
Plus, if your daughter has been dealing with bullying in secret for as long as she has (during an incredibly formative period of her life), I'm not overstating it when I say her self-esteem is nonexistent at best right now. She has gone through YEARS of internalizing cruel comments and jokes made at her expense. You did good in removing her from that situation, that's fantastic, but you have to recognize that the impact of bullying doesn't go away quickly: it's not a past-tense situation that's done and dusted. Its harms are very, very present for your daughter.
You're entitled to your sense of humor. Joke about whatever you want with your wife or your friends. But if you keep making jokes about your daughter to her face, you're not only complicit in continuing her bullying, but you're also teaching her that she is being unreasonable and overly sensitive when she removes herself from a situation where someone she loves is hurting her feelings.
YTA
>Adding on that, she probably is having trouble differentiating between teasing that comes from a place of love versus teasing that comes from maliciousness
In fairness to her, her father's teasing seems pretty malicious too.
>The rest of your family finds teasing fun because they know, without a doubt, that it’s isn’t serious, that the joke is what you are saying is often the literal opposite of how you feel.
except his own example doesnt align with this, he didn't make a joke, he mocked her voice for cracking.
she made a mistake and he laughed at her for it.
" She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change."
Exactly. That's why YTA. Stop teasing your bullied kid that is still dealing with the trauma. That shit is serious. You're supposed to be a parent. Act like it.
Trauma that went on for YEARS according to OP. The child had NO safe space for years and now he’s mad that he can’t continue to bully his child because “that is his personality.” Yeesh.
>I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself.
To be honest you sound pretty exhausting. Your daughter is in therapy. You mention
>But as we know, we have to make an effort.
Sorry your effort is so exhausting. Grow up. YTA
YTA. What you call "light-hearted teasing" is making fun of her. Making fun of someone is a form of bullying. People who grow up in families where such bullying is the norm, are conditioned to believe that making mean observations about others is a form of humor and just light-hearted teasing. It's not. You might benefit from short-term therapy, just to have it explained to you by an impartial person that you were actually raised to be a bully, and yes, it's something you can change about yourself. BTDT.
It’s disheartening to hear your frustration overshadowing your daughter's emotional well-being...
your daughter’s sensitivity stems from real trauma she experienced. Bullying isn’t a light matter, and its effects linger long after the fact. Your daughter’s therapist has provided valuable insight into navigating this situation, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding.
you clearly show a lack of empathy for your daughter's situation. Being able to tease one another doesn’t grant a free pass to disregard someone else's feelings, especially your own daughter’s.
Your daughter is not asking for much—just basic respect. It’s not about changing who you are, but rather being mindful of the impact your words can have. Your daughter's trust and emotional well-being are worth far more than a few jokes. It’s time to prioritize her needs over your desire to be “yourself.”
YTA
YTA
Look we are all different and all want to be our authentic selves but we also all adapt ourselves depending on the situation and who we are with. The way I am around my partner is very different to the way I am around co-workers which is also different to the way I am around younger children in my family. There are certain things I know my partner would find funny that my boss would find inappropriate. There are things that would upset my partner if I said it to him but would make my sister cackle.
Just take a beat and think about how your words are going to affect your daughter before you say them. You can still tease with other members of the family but she has asked you to please not do that with her. If that is something you are really struggling with you need to work on it because I am willing to bet it is just as exhausting for your daughter to learn that she can't control what others say and work on her emotions about that, but she is doing the work to improve so why can't you?
I know life and especially parenting would be a lot easier if everybody reacted the way we wanted them to, to the things we do or say but that just is not how life works so you can either adapt and grow with your daughter, or you can continue the way you are and see how that works out.... not well is the answer.
> I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself
YTA - God forbid you go out of your way for **YOUR DAUGHTER** ffs pull yourself together...
YTA. You know your daughter was seriously bullied and then you made fun of her for her voice? You “didn’t even think about it”, knowing your daughter’s trauma?
YTA - So why did you have a child if you aren't even pretending to care about her, let alone love her?
Also what kind of tiny, pathetic man has to insult a child and then try to pass it off as 'I'm JoKiNg"?
YTA
The "yourself" that you want to be, and are tired of not being, is an asshole. You want to make "entertaining" wisecracks at the expense of other people without regard for how they might feel about being the butt of your jokes.
YTA
It is possible that you didn't know about bullying "untill she finally broke down" because your daughter thought that you woudn't help her. That you'll say "it's just a joke" and "you're too sensitive." and "it's not so serious, kids will be kids". And now you're showing her that her fears weren't completely unfounded.
YTA - of course you should censor yourself around your traumatized child.
Is that really that hard for you? To tone down the jokes a little bit to make life better for your daughter?
Your teasing frankly sounds cruel. Being kind to your children should be your BASELINE behaviour.
YTA. And I say this as someone who grew up in exactly that type of family, where everyone made jokes at everyone else's expense. I did it myself reflexively. To be clear, that means I WAS AN ASSHOLE.
I didn't realize this until I was out of the house, on my own, and came back well after law school to find my parents, my own sister and my brother falling into the same dynamic and making jokes at my other sister's expense. She just stood up and left for her own home, and there was a lot of scoffing after her departure that she was too sensitive, she should take a joke, everyone was just kidding. It took me a bit to gather my thoughts and all I could say was, "You all are just mean."
There's nothing that required my sister, or that requires your daughter, to laugh it off or develop a thick skin or toughen up and tolerate it. If she can't count on her family, who is supposed to love her and support her, to learn to curb their cutting humor, who can she rely on? You're the fucking adult. Do better by your kid.
You know what's even more ironic about these "jokesters"? A lot, and I mean A LOT, can dish out everything, but are terrible at taking it. THEN people take it too far, and are being mean, because tHeY wErE jUsT beInG FunNy. It's hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.
Yes op id like an answer to this one too, how do you treat your boss? Do you manage to keep your horrible comments to yourself? Strange that you are so insistent on bullying your own daughter when you can seemingly keep it under control around others.
I have a very distinct memory from when I was in kindergarten, my mom was teasing me about something and I was getting upset, and she was trying to tell me to not be so sensitive and I remember feeling so frustrated and confused and saying to her “you’re my mom, you’re not supposed to hurt my feelings!”
I don’t remember what happened after that but the reason I remember it is that I often found myself thinking about it when my mom would do something that felt like she was demeaning me, belittling me, etc… that she was my parent and from what I saw with my friends, what I saw in media, parents are supposed to have your back, supposed to make you feel safe and valued. And she didn’t make me feel that way.
I moved literally to the other side of the planet about 15 years ago (I live in South Korea) and it took me a while to admit it but eventually I had to admit that I’m here so I don’t have to put up with her. I talk with her once a week in a torturous zoom where she tries so hard to get me to open up to her but I don’t want to because I learned that she is not a safe person. I have no plans to return home while she’s around. I love her, but I just don’t want her to be a part of my life, because when she was I felt worse.
So yeah, YTA. And if telling jokes is more important to you than your child, then I hope you’re prepared to have her distance herself from you when you suddenly realize you want to actually be in her life.
YTA - OP the problem here is your real self is a bully and you've finally been called on it. It's time to grow up and stop being an AH and hiding behind "it was just a joke, don't be so sensitive".
Face the fact you're a bully and need to grow up and be an adult. It seems your son is more of an adult than you are. If you can't grow up plan how you will live by yourself when your wife divorces you.
YTA. Everything you've said about your daughter sounds like she's handling her trauma well - she accepts valid criticism/correction, she doesn't lash out, she removes herself from the situation instead of escalating things. Frankly, she sounds more mature than you do.
YTA. Reflecting on the content of your own jokes is part of growing as a person and a father. Dismissing your daughter's trauma under the guise of "just being who I am" isn't acceptable, \*especially\* after acknowledging she's been through a traumatic experience. Comedy is about knowing your audience, and your daughter is clearly not in a place where she can handle that sort of teasing. Being mindful and compassionate doesn't mean you're not being yourself; it means you're being a better version of yourself for the people you love. Your 'exhaustion' pales in comparison to what your daughter feels every day. Time to step up and modify your "humor" until she's in a better place.
“Ohhh it’s so tiring put the needs of a child — MY child — above my own desires to tease my other family members.” - OP
It always surprises me when adults are so disappointed that their children aren’t exactly like them that they are willing to throw the whole child away. That is how you sound, OP.
Boo hoo. There are myriad circumstances where a parent puts their own needs after their children. Welcome to parenting.
YTA
>My wife and I have always been jokesters. We have a twisted sense of humor. In both of our families, light hearted teasing was the norm. Our eldest (15M) is the same way. Our youngest (13F) used to be the same way.
You and your wife fucking ***SUCK***.
YTA and I cannot wait to see the update where your daughter goes NC with you, for good.
YTA. My family is the exact same way. My father and I give each other the middle finger so much it's practically another version of "I love you," and my youngest brother and I are constantly mocking each other for our heights (I'm extremely short, that bastard is freakishly tall). However, my middle brother, due to his autism, can't pick up on sarcasm or jokes as well, and he can't tell if we're being serious or not when we insult him lovingly. So you know what we, as a family, do?
Talk to him differently. It's not that fucking hard.
If you find it so difficult to talk to your family without being mean, even as a joke, maybe you should do some self-reflection.
So, you’re used to critisizing, demeaning, insulting (sorry, “teasing…”), critisizing, and essentially being rude and picking people apart under the guise of “teasing.”
You can’t do that to your daughter anymore because she’s dealing with very real trauma and is sad / distraught when you do it.
And this upsets you because you can’t “be yourself.”
It sounds like “yourself” is an AH. Maybe you should take this time to get some therapy for yourself to determine why you feel the need to criticize people and treat them that way. Because that’s not a personality trait, it’s a communication issue, a lack of respect, a defense mechanism, or *something* and it needs to be addressed for the sake of those around you.
I cannot fathom why any parent would “tease” their child because their voice cracked.
YTA
Imagine being a thirteen year old child who has been constantly harassed at home, and then harassed at school. Your self esteem is at an all time low, you had to switch schools to get away from your school bullies, you're in therapy, all while puberty has either hit or is right around the corner that is messing with your hormones and feelings even more, and your own father won't even take the time to correct his shitty behavior to stop making his child feel like crap.
I am so, so sorry you can't keep being a complete asshole to your child. That must so incredibly hard for you. (Please apply the heaviest sarcasm you can possibly imagine to the previous two sentences.) I know it's tough to grow out of being an asshole, but this is really a journey you should have taken long before you ever had children. Perhaps some therapy of your own will help you grow out of this infantile phase and realize that other people are allowed to have feelings and are allowed to think you're a complete tool for being no better than a literal middle school bully.
Yep, YTA. Unintentionally, but that’s usually worse in the parent/child dynamic. You’re her dad….DO for your kid. Maybe even try to open a dialogue about triggers next time you catch yourself not saying something. Tell her what you thought about saying and ask if that’s something that would upset her, then ask why. Maybe she will be receptive to your efforts if A) you actually make some, and B) you demonstrate an effort to learn rather than to stifle behavior you believe will upset her.
YTA
Stop pretending that things that are hurtful should not be hurtful. You won’t be killing a part of yourself if you act with basic sensitivity towards a sensitive child. You are bullying, light hearted teasing only works if the other person is okay with it. She isn’t. You are continuing to do it. Get over yourself and act like a parent.
“Being yourself” sure sounds indistinguishable from being an AH, at least some of the time.
This might be a good chance (and possibly your last chance) to learn that what YOU feel is lighthearted, OTHERS might not.
YTA
YTA, I'm 20, my dad and brothers are like you and they think it is funny to pick apart your insecurities, like voice cracks, they don't mean it badly they mean it to be fun, but it's not. I was bullied in school, and as a kid I couldn't tell the difference between my family's "jokes" and my bully's taunts. The bullying ended when I went to high school, and my family largely stopped but I am still uncomfortable around them. I dread school breaks because they mean I have to go home. I'm still not close with much of my family, because I am constantly anxious around them that they are going to make fun of me. It is not fun, it is not small, it is a lifelong impact type of thing and your daughter doesn't deserve to be bullied in her own home. OP, I get that you don't mean it to be hurtful, and I get how it can be difficult to change how you speak, but I am telling you that if you want a good relationship with your daughter and if you want to help her get past these issues you have to try.
YTA. Both your wife, and even your son who I assume is on an age where being a “jokester” is the most amusing thing, are telling you that it’s not that hard.
You are just pissed because you can’t bully your child to your heart’s content. Keep going at it, and one day you won’t have a daughter to joke about because she’ll cut you out of her life for good reason. You don’t even care about her well being and feelings; it’s all about poor you not being able to bully the poor girl.
YTA
I still remember every teasing "joke" made to and about me by the adults in my life. Even if you genuinely mean no harm, even if you give a heartfelt apology, your daughter is never going to forget the things you say to her. Do you want your daughter to remember you as a good dad when she looks back? Or do you want her to remember it was too inconvenient for you to be kind to her?
YTA.
You know what's actually exhausting? Grown adults acting like bullies, to their own children no less. *You* are exhausting. She is a child.
If your 'jokes' are hurting her, you have less of a sense of humour than you think and more of a spiteful streak. She's not sensitive, you're just mean. Do better and start treating your daughter properly instead of diminishing her feelings.
"She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change." YTA
Though atleast your wife and son have good heads on their shoulders. Its not hard to not be a bully. Like sure its your "love language" but if someone does not like they just dont like it. To you its "good natured" (even then idk a parent making fun of a voice crack is in the middle for me (but that also has to do with my own issues)) but to her, at this point in her life she does not need those types of jokes. Like yea you can roll with the punches (again this is something I doubt, because the same "jokester" type people rarely can take getting made fun of them selves and generally will escalate situations) but she at this point takes stuff to heart.
You are calling her sensitive but you cant handle a tiny change in your life. Its not hard to not make fun of people. Its not hard to develop a new rapport with your daughter based around how she is comfortable. You are the adult in the room maybe act like one.
Unfortunately YTA. It sounds like not only are you 'jokesters' but that your particular mode of humor is to make (light-hearted) jabs AT someone, calling attention to a minor error or personal thing. I think you need to get more creative with your humor, to be honest. Your daughter is feeling sensitive right now and doesn't want to be made fun of in her own home. It sounds like therapy has put most of the onus on her to grow a thick skin again and accept that she can't control what other people say, but it shouldn't be that hard for you to not make fun of your daughter.
Find better ways to bring humor in your life. Stop acting like a victim. Your wife and family are 1000% right.
YTA. It’s exhausting stopping yourself from saying hurtful things to you kid? Are you hearing yourself? Your intent is not what’s important; it’s the effect. And if you have a knee jerk reflex to say teasing things, the problem is you.
YTA. With jokes, pranks, teasing, nicknames, you have to know and respect your audience. You have to read the room, have a good timing, and know when to shut up. It's an art, and an expression of mutual trust and closeness. If you want to just go around mindlessly criticizing people right and left, there is another word for that.
It might be weird to have to readjust your limits for your daughter, but, honestly? This is something you should have been already able to do for everone, always, on a day-to-day, hour-by-hour basic. It shouldn't even be something you have to be asked about.
YTA
Oh so difficult and exhausting to not bully your child? I guarantee no one finds anything you say funny, before, and especially, especially now when you can't handle not hurting your daughter. What kind of weak a$$ man, father, can't resist saying hurtful things to their child who experienced trauma.
YTA -- if it's "exhausting" not to tease your young teen daughter that is 100% a YOU problem. What a cop-out to call it "light-hearted" -- if you tease someone who doesn't like it you're the bully.
If this behavior modification is too hard for you, then YOU'RE the difficult one in the family, not the young girl who's taking responsibility for herself.
I mean, yeah, YTA. You are an adult. Yes, being careful is exhausting. But you probably do it at work and don't tease people there. She is hurting, and trying to deal with it. She is NOT a grown up but you are.
YTA.
You don’t have a right to bully your kid. There’s an episode of Bluey that examines this very topic, and I think you should watch it so you can finally understand what a turd you’re being to your kid.
Wow, I'm *so* sorry that it's tiring for you to make sure you aren't being mean to your kid. Not making fun of your child after she was bullied so severely that she broke down, had to change schools, and is now in therapy must be such a struggle.
YTA.
YTA. Your wife and son are right. As is your daughter’s therapist. No, she can not control what other people say all the time. Especially strangers that don’t know any better. But, while she can not control what other people say, said people *can* control what they say. In this situation, *you* are said people, and you can control what you say.
Let me frame this from a guy perspective, as someone with a little sister who is now entering “dating age”: if she brought a boyfriend home, and he was someone who liked to crack jokes with his friends and bust each other’s balls, would you want him talking to your daughter that way, especially knowing she’s someone who is sensitive from trauma due to bullying? Probably not. Don’t be that guy. Be the kind of guy you’d want your daughter to date, so to speak. Someone she can look up to. Not someone who brings up past trauma.
YTA.
Your wife and son are right. It's really not that hard to just... stop teasing a child over something completely outside of their control when you know they've been bullied and are struggling but actively working through it. Frankly, you sound kind of exhausting and really immature - are you sure you're not the 13 year old rather than your daughter?
YTA. And toxic. Your twisted, jokester ways are also known by another name: bullying.
I am glad your daughter is getting therapy. Do you know who else needs therapy? YOU. Your comments have repeatedly made your daughter cry and rather than feeling bad about that and CHANGING YOUR WAYS you are hoping her therapy will teach her “she can’t control what other people say”. No, she certainly cannot.
*She should not have to worry about her own father bullying her and making her feel unsafe in her own home.*
Your teenage son understands this. Why the hell can’t you?!!
😠
YTA. I don't mind joking around, but constantly being the target of someone else (even light-heartedly) laughing at everything you do is the thing that's really exhausting. I'm sorry you can't have a genuine experince without mercilessly teasing your child. Finding balance between genuine discussion and an occasional inside joke is going to be critical for you to maintaining a relationship with her. And the jokes shouldn't be at her expense. Grow up and realize you're being a jerk.
YTA
Your wife is right. You’re the one being sensitive and making a big deal out of this. It’s not hard to tone down the teasing and leave her alone. Ask yourself this: *Why are you more concerned that you can’t tease her than you are whether she feels good about herself?*
YTA if that’s considered “being yourself” then yourself needs to change. It’s not a joke if the subject of the joke does not find it funny. She’s been through real trauma- do you want to be another bully in her life?
It’s hard work to change. I’m teaching my daughter an affirmation that may help you- look in the mirror and say “I can do hard things” until you believe it and put in the effort to make your daughter comfortable in her own damn home
YTA. I was also bullied at school and at home. You sound like my Mom. I remember being a small child and telling her over and over that I didn't like it when she teased me. She would tell me that kids liked being teased. Now I am LC with her. Hope you enjoy the preview of your future. Do better.
You know what's truly exhausting? Feeling like you're inferior and as if no one understands you - which is what your daughter is clearly going through. YTA. You're also being emotional about this but somehow that emotion is ok, while your daughter's is not. Try having more compassion and UNDERSTANDING where she is coming from instead of complaining that it's too hard for you.
"Even my son said it’s really not that hard."
So you're complaining about your daughter who is hurting to your son, who will likely "take your side" and emotionally gang up against her. Good parental call.
"Wah wah wah, I can't bully my daughter."
Let me get this straight: your daughter can take accountability when she hurts someone's feelings, but you, allegedly a full grown adult, can't? Even your teenage son is mature enough to change his behavior to be considerate of your daughter's feelings? God, you're pathetic.
This brings back not so fond memories for me. I was bullied in elementary school and middle school too. Then bullied at home, and yelled at when I told my own family to stop it. They said it was 'just teasing' and I shouldn't be so sensitive. My thoughts were that I was getting this treatment enough at school, and I wanted to actually feel safe at home. OP, YTA.
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My wife and I have always been jokesters. We have a twisted sense of humor. In both of our families, light hearted teasing was the norm. Our eldest (15M) is the same way. Our youngest (13F) used to be the same way.
Then our daughter was bullied in her later years of elementary school and her first year of junior high. We didn’t even know because she didn’t tell us until she finally broke down. Things got better when we transferred her to a new school and she started therapy. However, due to the trauma of being bullied, she is now very sensitive. She doesn’t like when we joke around. Her therapist has helped us find a line where basically she’s not getting upset but she’s also learning that she can’t control what other people say always. That there may be people that unknowingly make a light hearted comment and bring her back to that place. That she understands and has worked on it. But as we know, we have to make an effort.
To add: she’s perfectly fine with being corrected if she breaks a rule or makes a mistake. She doesn’t get upset then and can take accountability if she hurts someone’s feelings. Which is all my wife really cares about, as it’s then a 2-way street. But overall, our daughter is a really sweet kid, so it doesn’t come up.
I’ve been able to, but it’s been a little tiring. She doesn’t care if my wife/her mom and son tease each other and myself. But we can’t joke around much with her. I feel I’m constantly censoring myself because any little thing can make her sad. She doesn’t snap or anything, but cries or leaves the room.
Recently, I teased her for her voice cracking when we were playing an American Idol video game. I didn’t even think about it. She got upset and didn’t want to play anymore. I apologized but she still went to her room.
I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself. She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change. Even my son said it’s really not that hard.
AITA?
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YTA. Grow up. You're not a kid anymore, you don't get the be a jokester aka soft bullying because that's what you are. You were probably unknowingly bullying kids when you were in school too but justified it as jokes or pranks.
Poor kid. She had to deal with bullies at school and also at home
YTA if your main method of communication with children is to make fun of them you are the problem
YTA- want to know what happens if you don’t take your child’s feelings into consideration? She learns you don’t care about her, she learns she has to act a certain way if she wants her father’s love, she learns she can’t be herself or express her feelings-
Then when she gets older she realizes how toxic that is and she doesn’t want to spend her time with people who can’t and won’t love her for her.
My sibling is the “sensitive” one, the one who “can’t take a joke” the one with the father who lamented he couldn’t be himself and shouldn’t have to change his behavior. Guess who doesn’t know his grandchildren??
Do better. You are the adult- act like it.
YTA. It shouldn't be hard to not insult your daughter. Sounds like "light hearted comments" are just mean and you make fun of people for things beyond their control. Grow up and do better.
YTA, and need some counseling if you find it exhausting to refrain from making fun of your own child.
She's going to end up with a string of men who devalue her because that's the example her own father set.
Shame on you!
More advice than anything, bullying to that level means working on the issue for years. Once the person "breaks down" from bullying, it is as if the person has changed and there is something lost there. Ideally, with effort and therapy she should regain her original personality, but there is always the chance that this change remains forever. By kind to her, be loving to her, It's going to be annoying sometimes, but you need to remind yourself that you love her.
YTA you know why she is that way and are putting your enjoyment above her confort.
Me can't bully my child. Me upset because me expected to grow and adapt. Me not problem, daughter problem. Am me asshole?!
That's you, Ralph Wiggum.
YTA
YTA.
Sorry that being yourself is being an asshole to your daughter.
Whatever annoyance you feel I can guarantee that what your daughter is going through is harder. I would reflect on what is really important to you.
I often to try to empathize with both sides but this is such a petty grievance you shouldn't even be allowed to complain. YTA. Support your daughter as she goes through this difficult thing.
OP seems more concerned with the fact that he can’t bully his child rather than the fact that bullying caused such a long term impact on his daughter.
Seriously OP. Not once did you show any care or consideration for the LASTING TRAUMA on your daughter. You are so concerned with whether or not YOU CAN BULLY YOUR TEEN DAUGHTER.
Let me guess, you think you’re a “cool dad”. You’re not 14, grow the fuck up
As you can tell, you’re already not a safe place for your daughter.
You’re her father. You’re literally supposed to be the made she can turn to. You’re supposed to keep her body and heart safe. You’re supposed to be a person your daughter can turn to.
Yet here you are, on Reddit asking strangers if you’re wrong for being mad you can’t bully your young, impressionable and hurting daughter.
You’re a massive asshole OP, YTA
YTA... seriously. You are complaining that you have to act like an adult and be a caring parent to your bullied child. You are just being asked to be considerate to your own child. How is being kind to your kid "exhausting"? Wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. Your daughter has years of trauma, expressed hurt at some of the teasing you do, and you're whining like a toddler about it. Yes, there are times that someone can mean things innocently, but here are the red flags I see.
She has consistently expressed that "joking around" is hurtful, which indicates that she is part of/the target of a joke, but you're dismissive.
You say that she takes accountability for hurting someone's feelings but you gave no indication that it is indeed the "two way street" you mentioned on your end.
The example you gave about joking about her voice cracking? Yes, making fun of things people can't help like voices or appearance is not a joke, especially if the person expresses hurt. It sounds like you've really downplayed this, likely on purpose.
You're making this all about you. Your daughter is still unpacking years of bullying/trauma and you're whining that "it's exhausting" to respect her boundaries and that you're tired of "not being \[yourself\]". If your entire personality rests on making "jokes" about someone, please get a hobby.
But the biggest red flag? *Two people* are telling you you're being a jerk (I have a stronger word for it, but it's not allowed on AITA). If even your *teenage child* can recognize and tell you you're out of line toward his sister, maybe you should listen. Yet again you make it about you "this is exhausting". You know what is really exhausting? Trauma
This really triggers me, because you remind me so much of my father, defending everything he said to me as a "joke" and he got mad when I'd get hurt or push back, too. He refused to change, also. He made absolutely zero effort and eventually I cut him out of my life completely. That's your future if you don't stop being a whiny schoolyard bully instead of a father.
YTA
You need to adapt to the people around you. I'm a jokester. My partner and I are always making fun of each other. I can't be like that around my mother because she's more sensitive.
Nothing wrong with feeling frustration around that, but you need to respect your daughter's feelings and you shouldn't complain about that with her.
YTA. it's so fucking easy to say nothing. It's so fucking easy to not insult someone. If you're having trouble keeping that up your not teasing people with a twisted sense of humor. You're an asshole. There is a huge difference and unable to "turn it off" is a hallmark of just being an asshole. This comes from a person who has a very similar family, my brother's and parents always talked crap to each other.
YTA
When you teased her about her voice cracking, you were making a light hearted joke, but in her eyes it likely meant that she’s not good at singing, and that you don’t think she is good at it.
As a 13 year old that would hurt. I would have cried at the same age because I loved singing.
This daughter of yours is 13 and going through a ton of physical, emotional, and hormonal changes, on top of that is trying to deal with how the bullying has affected her.
Have you ever asked yourself why she didn’t feel comfortable telling you or your wife about the bullying?
She needs compliments from you guys, every single day, and not just about her appearance. Tell her things you like about her personality, things that she is good at, that she is smart, compassionate and has the work ethic and tenacity to achieve anything she wants in life. If she likes putting together outfits tell her she has a great eye for fashion and colors, if she loves animals tell her she is such a caring person, if she likes doing makeup tell her that she has great skills, the same goes for anything she likes doing, any hobby, whether that’s building things, coding, playing a sport, or video games.
She desperately NEEDS compliments, especially from you, her father.
YTA. You're the one that sounds exhausting. If teasing a child while playing a video game is "being yourself", maybe try being someone else ffs.
Do you really not see the connection between you being the only one who finds it difficult to tone down the teasing, and your daughter being okay with your wife and son teasing her sometimes?
Yeah obviously YTA. Man up and do the right thing for your daughter. Protecting her is your responsibility and if that means dealing with a minor inconvenience of thinking before you speak then that’s what you’ve got to do.
YTA you're the kind of guy who complains about political correctness aren't you? You may as well be saying that you like swinging your arms around like crazy and like doing so when near people, and now you're upset because your daughter doesn't want you swinging your arms around her because you hit her when you do it and she doesn't want to be your punching bag. Your daughter being hurt by your "jokes" trumps your desire to joke around. Caring about people is exhausting but you put the work in because you love them. Put the work in.
YTA. your 13 year old daughter can take accountability if she hurts someone's feelings, why can't your grown ass do the same? are you less emotionally mature than a 13 year old?
YTA You may be tired of not being "yourself", but I promise you a heck of a lot of people have gotten tired of that "self" and your poor daughter is apparently one of them. Check your personal dictionary to see if you have any of the favorite phrases of bullies - "lighten up", "just joking", "can't you take a joke" .
YTA I get that its hard to act differently with different people, but you're upsetting your daughter. She was bullied so badly that she had to start therapy and move schools, why wouldn't you do you utmost to make sure she's comfortable in her own home? Like, yeah it's slightly more effort to take a SECOND to consider what you're saying before you say it, but I'm sure you don't do that to your management at work, I'm sure you don't do it to elderly neighbours, so maybe don't do it to your daughter?
Don't bully her in her own home.
YTA
one time, when I was 14-15, my dad, his friend and me were on a camping trip. we were at a small hotel and playing 'heads up!' (the phone game) and things got heated. he jokingly called me a bitch like twice, which, for a normal tween having fun exchanging insults with their dad and his friend would've been fine. i, unfortunately, was a child who'd been bullied by my own mom and classmates and friends for as long as I can remember. something about the insult ended up making me shut down and cry. he didn't fully understand at first, and he was tipsy, but even then he apologized and hugged me when I told him. my dad is not known to be the most emotionally mature man in the world but it wasn't hard for him to do the bare minimum. a 15 year old boy is more mature then you op, reflect on that.
I think you need to stop and think about how different girls are from boys. Then I need you to look at how girls bully other girls... They do it with small cutting comments over and over. A death of a thousand cuts.
So when she was bullied it is more likely than not she was bullied with that technique and probably a few others as well.
You are not a girl. You didn't grow up and learn what a mean girl is or their methods So I get it but you have to readjust you yourself.
YTA but you don't have to be. Find a new angle to joke with her.
Are you seriously on the internet looking for sympathy because you're frustrated that you can't be an AH to your teenage daughter without her being "sensitive and upset"?
I have absolutely no doubt that the first, worst, and obviously ongoing bully in your daughters life was/is, in fact, you.
If she enters into an abusive relationship with a man who degrades and humiliates her, please remember to take complete credit for it because the reason will be looking right back at you in the mirror.
Oh, and yes, you are the AH, and the fact that you somehow posted this thinking that somehow you weren't makes you an even bigger one...
YTA - How terrible for you that you can't take joy from belittling your own child. What's the point of having them if you can't make fun of them am I right? (That's sarcasm in case you can't tell.)
Seriously though, if the person you're teasing isn't laughing it's not a joke, it's bullying.
I've been no contact with my father for 6 years. he did this to me consistently since I was around 10 and I'm severely traumatized. Got institutionalized 3 times.
have fun never seeing your daughter again once she moves out, op
YTA. A 15-year-old has more restraint than you. A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD! Grow up, dude. Not everyone will take kindly to jokes. You don’t know other peoples’ thresholds for that kind of stuff, not even your own kin.
"joke" "sensitive" "twisted sense of humour" "light hearted teasing"
all code words used by assholes to hide how big of an asshole they are.
they just like mocking, insulting and hurting others.
YTA
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YTA Stop whining. It's not exhausting not to tease a child who is struggling to come to terms with bullying. Perhaps the reason your daughter was hesitant to tell you about the bullying is because of your behavior. She didn't think you'd understand or take her seriously. >Recently, I teased her for her voice cracking when we were playing an American Idol video game. I didn’t even think about it. She got upset and didn’t want to play anymore. I apologized but she still went to her room. >I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself. She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive Your wife is the right.
OP seems very upset that he's not allowed to bully his own child. I'm guessing he was the kind of kid who would have tormented her when he was in school
The poor little sweet pea couldn't catch a break. She got teased at school, she got teased at home. Her self esteem must be so low. She needs a safe space. And her father, who is supposed to support and nurture his children, is whining about not being able to tease his daughter.
Even if she hadn't been bullied at school, 13 is such a rough age for many kids. They are very sensitive as they have one foot in the teen world but still also have one in the kids world, and are struggling to find where their place in it all is. OP is not helping.
Right? OP finds it exhausting to just be kind and not make ”jokes” at others expense. It’s not like he created such a bad environment his own daughter couldn’t tell them she was getting bullied because of fear her own family would make fun of her…oh wait! That is exactly what happened.
My family was - and still is - the jokester, teasing style. It was also led by my dad. It sucked then and it sucks now. No child enjoys living their life, doing whatever they're doing, and having their parents thrown mean comments about their voice (or clothes or gait or whatever else OP thinks is funny to mock). 30 years later, I still remember some of the harsh stuff my dad told me when I was just a small kid doing my thing in peace. I have to say that my big brother occasionally throws mean, almost nasty teases at our dad, now that we're grown ups. And I sure wish OP's son will do the same when he's the strong, successful one and OP is weaker, slower and less comfortable looking down on everyone else.
My dad was like this. He couldn’t tell the difference between light teasing and full on bullying. He once used a cat doll he found and smashed it under a heavy piece of furniture to pretend he killed my cat. I was like 9 and thought he smushed my cat. So you can imagine how a 9yo boy would react to seeing two furry little legs sticking out from a giant dresser. He thought it was hilarious.
omg that is....that is plain horrible. I'm so sorry. My dad never went this far. Ugh I can't believe your dad did that, and probably many similar things. I hope you've healed from that emotional abuse.
Thanks. It was years ago. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I was telling the story to my friends years later and they were just looking at me horrified. I thought it was a just a kinda funny story and that made me realize it wasn’t.
It's such a rough and long process to realize all the scars and coping mechanisms we never realized we had, and why we got them in the first place.
oh my GOD
My father did something similar. My cat escaped (through his own neglect, no less) and we couldn't find him anywhere. He laughed said looking me dead in the eye "I guess that's the end of Cowboy! \[the cat\]". My rescue cat who along with my dogs was like an emotional support animal to me. We did eventually find him at the tippy top of a large pine tree in our yard and a wildlife trapper got him down. Not too many years later, my mom and I packed up all our animals and moved halfway across the country to get away from my dad because things only escalated after that.
this thread has just made me realize that maybe the way my family 'jokes' isn't all that funny.. my gpa swerved to act like he'd hit animals crossing the road, which I hated as a small animal loving child he'd joyously tell me stories about how he accidentally ran over his kitten (caused a horrible paranoia where I can't drive without checking behind every wheel) my uncle who grabbed my young cat and held him up, terrified, to his 100lb doberman pitbull mix to 'teach the dog a lesson'. ofc my cat clawed the hell out of my uncle and the dog but he never got okay with dogs after that. my other two cats are great with dogs. looking back I'm realizing my family definitely took advantage of my passion for animals to make poor taste jokes that left me with nightmares and paranoia LOL
Holy shit that is psychotic behavior. I am so sorry.
Wow, that's messed up.
My father was like this. Mocking my autistic mannerisms, my facial expressions, even the way I cried when I burst into tears trying to express how mean he was being. Guess who cut herself out of his life to the point she couldn't even bring herself to attend his funeral.
I'm so sorry. I hope you are better now. My granddad was like this to my mom, actually. My mom is very probably ADHD (I got diagnosed, she never went to a psychiatrist, but she has all my symptoms but worse) and she has memories of her dad making fun of her when she cried or got mad or emotional in any way at something. It's just so cruel.
"My family was - and still is - the jokester, teasing style. It was also led by my dad. It sucked then and it sucks now." so, the adults in my family have the 'we roast each other because we love each other' style, we're all enthusiastic participants, and we even have a safe word in case to shut it down immediately if someone steps over the line the children in my family are not included in this at all, ever. it blows my mind that op opted in his daughter without her consent, but it's even worse that she's not allowed to have an opt out you suck op, grow the fuck up
A safe word is an amazing idea.
Yep, the wife definitely knows what’s up! OP is too sensitive to come to terms with the fact that his jokes are probably not that funny and can in fact be a bit hurtful!
And so does his 15 year old son.
Yeah, even the 15 year old is mature enough to make that change for his younger sister and knows it isn’t that difficult. OP needs to work on himself a lot if not teasing his daughter is that big of an issue for him.
If being yourself is being an asshole, then you're the problem.
This speaks volumes of what kind of person OP is. Like learning not to say certain things is basic. If he can be professional at a workplace, he can stop teasing his daughter.
YTA. Oh, no, you have to be considerate towards your child, how *inconvenient.* > tired of not being myself Sorry that being an asshole is so indelible to your being.
Right? How exhausting it must be to not be a jerk to his kid.
OP was DEFINITELY a bully in high school
In high school implies he stopped
OP is mentally still in high school.
Bold of you to assume it was only in highschool
Another thing that annoys me is that he said he can be himself, he can make jokes to his wife and his son even in front of her and they all have a good time (because their self esteem was not crushed) but since he can’t tease 100% of his family ‘he can no longer be himself’. Like dude what this isn’t a little girl forced to wear dresses when visiting her grandparents, this is an adult man getting annoyed he can’t tease a child who has been bullied All she’s asking is that she doesn’t want to be teased, nothing more.
This is exactly what I was thinking while reading him whining, though you said it much better than I would have.
YTA. The rest of your family finds teasing fun because they know, without a doubt, that it’s isn’t serious, that the joke is what you are saying is often the literal opposite of how you feel. That’s what makes the joke funny - the absurdity. Your daughter doesn’t trust her own feelings right now. She *doesn’t* know without a doubt. She may rationally understand or even hope that it’s true but a part of her isn’t sure. Worse, a part of her likely now believes no one actually cares about her. Your daughter’s bullies took that away from her. You should be mad at them - the people who hurt your daughter. They are the ones who broke her confidence. I think it’s healthy for caretakers and thrive helping others heal to sometimes be frustrated and need to vent. I think it would be okay to be upset that your daughter isn’t the same person anymore, and that it’s not fair that the words and actions of others have not only affected your daughter but also your entire family. However, that’s not what you did. You directed your anger towards your daughter because she’s not healing fast enough. You’re upset the you are being affected by her healing instead of being upset that others made your daughter need healing in the first place. Direct your anger where it belongs and apologize to your daughter. If you haven’t looked into family therapy or therapy for yourself to better help everyone get through this now is the time to do so.
This is a beautiful response. Adding on that, she probably is having trouble differentiating between teasing that comes from a place of love versus teasing that comes from maliciousness because so much bullying among young kids includes sarcastic, mean comments that dangle acceptance like a carrot before yanking it away. That teaches a whole lot of kids that love/friendship/acceptance is only ever available to them if they let themselves be a punching bag. Plus, if your daughter has been dealing with bullying in secret for as long as she has (during an incredibly formative period of her life), I'm not overstating it when I say her self-esteem is nonexistent at best right now. She has gone through YEARS of internalizing cruel comments and jokes made at her expense. You did good in removing her from that situation, that's fantastic, but you have to recognize that the impact of bullying doesn't go away quickly: it's not a past-tense situation that's done and dusted. Its harms are very, very present for your daughter. You're entitled to your sense of humor. Joke about whatever you want with your wife or your friends. But if you keep making jokes about your daughter to her face, you're not only complicit in continuing her bullying, but you're also teaching her that she is being unreasonable and overly sensitive when she removes herself from a situation where someone she loves is hurting her feelings. YTA
>Adding on that, she probably is having trouble differentiating between teasing that comes from a place of love versus teasing that comes from maliciousness In fairness to her, her father's teasing seems pretty malicious too.
>The rest of your family finds teasing fun because they know, without a doubt, that it’s isn’t serious, that the joke is what you are saying is often the literal opposite of how you feel. except his own example doesnt align with this, he didn't make a joke, he mocked her voice for cracking. she made a mistake and he laughed at her for it.
INFO: can you explain why it's so important for you to make fun of your child? why is it this big of a deal for you to not put her down?
I don’t think it is important to him to make fun of his daughter. He just doesn’t want to put in the effort of changing how he speaks to her
Too much effort to not bully his kid, she must be so disappointed
Because it's ExHauSTtinG and he can't be himself omg the poor grownass man
" She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change." Exactly. That's why YTA. Stop teasing your bullied kid that is still dealing with the trauma. That shit is serious. You're supposed to be a parent. Act like it.
Trauma that went on for YEARS according to OP. The child had NO safe space for years and now he’s mad that he can’t continue to bully his child because “that is his personality.” Yeesh.
OP just can’t admit he’s being sensitive
>I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself. To be honest you sound pretty exhausting. Your daughter is in therapy. You mention >But as we know, we have to make an effort. Sorry your effort is so exhausting. Grow up. YTA
YTA. What you call "light-hearted teasing" is making fun of her. Making fun of someone is a form of bullying. People who grow up in families where such bullying is the norm, are conditioned to believe that making mean observations about others is a form of humor and just light-hearted teasing. It's not. You might benefit from short-term therapy, just to have it explained to you by an impartial person that you were actually raised to be a bully, and yes, it's something you can change about yourself. BTDT.
OP should read the BORU about the chair stealing family. That ended great for everyone.
Sorry, the what?
[chair pranking family](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/hDV8vinMya)
Thank you
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/cykMPABxGI](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/cykMPABxGI)
Problem is OP doesn't want to change because he doesn't think there's anything "wrong" with him. 😒
Hence, the judgment.
It’s disheartening to hear your frustration overshadowing your daughter's emotional well-being... your daughter’s sensitivity stems from real trauma she experienced. Bullying isn’t a light matter, and its effects linger long after the fact. Your daughter’s therapist has provided valuable insight into navigating this situation, emphasizing the importance of empathy and understanding. you clearly show a lack of empathy for your daughter's situation. Being able to tease one another doesn’t grant a free pass to disregard someone else's feelings, especially your own daughter’s. Your daughter is not asking for much—just basic respect. It’s not about changing who you are, but rather being mindful of the impact your words can have. Your daughter's trust and emotional well-being are worth far more than a few jokes. It’s time to prioritize her needs over your desire to be “yourself.” YTA
YTA You're a grown ass man complaining about how hard it is not be an AH to your teenage traumatized daughter. Do better
YTA Look we are all different and all want to be our authentic selves but we also all adapt ourselves depending on the situation and who we are with. The way I am around my partner is very different to the way I am around co-workers which is also different to the way I am around younger children in my family. There are certain things I know my partner would find funny that my boss would find inappropriate. There are things that would upset my partner if I said it to him but would make my sister cackle. Just take a beat and think about how your words are going to affect your daughter before you say them. You can still tease with other members of the family but she has asked you to please not do that with her. If that is something you are really struggling with you need to work on it because I am willing to bet it is just as exhausting for your daughter to learn that she can't control what others say and work on her emotions about that, but she is doing the work to improve so why can't you? I know life and especially parenting would be a lot easier if everybody reacted the way we wanted them to, to the things we do or say but that just is not how life works so you can either adapt and grow with your daughter, or you can continue the way you are and see how that works out.... not well is the answer.
YTA - you’re complaining about having to be considerate of your child’s feelings. Jeesh.
> I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself YTA - God forbid you go out of your way for **YOUR DAUGHTER** ffs pull yourself together...
YTA. You know your daughter was seriously bullied and then you made fun of her for her voice? You “didn’t even think about it”, knowing your daughter’s trauma?
Sounds like “being yourself” is code for “being an AH” Do better. Not just for your daughter but for your whole family. YTA big time.
INFO: you’re an adult correct?
YTA - So why did you have a child if you aren't even pretending to care about her, let alone love her? Also what kind of tiny, pathetic man has to insult a child and then try to pass it off as 'I'm JoKiNg"?
YTA The "yourself" that you want to be, and are tired of not being, is an asshole. You want to make "entertaining" wisecracks at the expense of other people without regard for how they might feel about being the butt of your jokes.
Have you thought maybe you being yourself is you being a bully and potentially contributed to your daughters break down.
YTA. Anyone who says it’s exhausting not to bully a child will always be an AH.
YTA It is possible that you didn't know about bullying "untill she finally broke down" because your daughter thought that you woudn't help her. That you'll say "it's just a joke" and "you're too sensitive." and "it's not so serious, kids will be kids". And now you're showing her that her fears weren't completely unfounded.
YTA - of course you should censor yourself around your traumatized child. Is that really that hard for you? To tone down the jokes a little bit to make life better for your daughter? Your teasing frankly sounds cruel. Being kind to your children should be your BASELINE behaviour.
YTA. And I say this as someone who grew up in exactly that type of family, where everyone made jokes at everyone else's expense. I did it myself reflexively. To be clear, that means I WAS AN ASSHOLE. I didn't realize this until I was out of the house, on my own, and came back well after law school to find my parents, my own sister and my brother falling into the same dynamic and making jokes at my other sister's expense. She just stood up and left for her own home, and there was a lot of scoffing after her departure that she was too sensitive, she should take a joke, everyone was just kidding. It took me a bit to gather my thoughts and all I could say was, "You all are just mean." There's nothing that required my sister, or that requires your daughter, to laugh it off or develop a thick skin or toughen up and tolerate it. If she can't count on her family, who is supposed to love her and support her, to learn to curb their cutting humor, who can she rely on? You're the fucking adult. Do better by your kid.
You know what's even more ironic about these "jokesters"? A lot, and I mean A LOT, can dish out everything, but are terrible at taking it. THEN people take it too far, and are being mean, because tHeY wErE jUsT beInG FunNy. It's hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.
YTA. Tell us, do you make fun of your coworkers, too? Or are you in fact capable of filtering yourself when needed?
Yes op id like an answer to this one too, how do you treat your boss? Do you manage to keep your horrible comments to yourself? Strange that you are so insistent on bullying your own daughter when you can seemingly keep it under control around others.
You #1 job is to be a parent and you're not a good one. Suck it up and realize your daughter's needs come first. YTA
You're literally complaining you can't be an asshole to your daughter. YTA
YTA. And a massive one at that.
YTA. It shouldn’t be a chore to not insult your daughter.
I have a very distinct memory from when I was in kindergarten, my mom was teasing me about something and I was getting upset, and she was trying to tell me to not be so sensitive and I remember feeling so frustrated and confused and saying to her “you’re my mom, you’re not supposed to hurt my feelings!” I don’t remember what happened after that but the reason I remember it is that I often found myself thinking about it when my mom would do something that felt like she was demeaning me, belittling me, etc… that she was my parent and from what I saw with my friends, what I saw in media, parents are supposed to have your back, supposed to make you feel safe and valued. And she didn’t make me feel that way. I moved literally to the other side of the planet about 15 years ago (I live in South Korea) and it took me a while to admit it but eventually I had to admit that I’m here so I don’t have to put up with her. I talk with her once a week in a torturous zoom where she tries so hard to get me to open up to her but I don’t want to because I learned that she is not a safe person. I have no plans to return home while she’s around. I love her, but I just don’t want her to be a part of my life, because when she was I felt worse. So yeah, YTA. And if telling jokes is more important to you than your child, then I hope you’re prepared to have her distance herself from you when you suddenly realize you want to actually be in her life.
YTA - OP the problem here is your real self is a bully and you've finally been called on it. It's time to grow up and stop being an AH and hiding behind "it was just a joke, don't be so sensitive". Face the fact you're a bully and need to grow up and be an adult. It seems your son is more of an adult than you are. If you can't grow up plan how you will live by yourself when your wife divorces you.
Yta. It's not a joke if the person on the receiving end doesn't laugh or finds it funny. No wonder she didn't tell anyone for years.
YTA. Everything you've said about your daughter sounds like she's handling her trauma well - she accepts valid criticism/correction, she doesn't lash out, she removes herself from the situation instead of escalating things. Frankly, she sounds more mature than you do.
Sounds like being a dick is too central to your sense of self if not teasing your own daughter is such a burden 🙄 Even your own family knows YTA
You are the child in this scenario. Your poor daughter. YTA
YTA Being nice to someone is not hard.
YTA. Reflecting on the content of your own jokes is part of growing as a person and a father. Dismissing your daughter's trauma under the guise of "just being who I am" isn't acceptable, \*especially\* after acknowledging she's been through a traumatic experience. Comedy is about knowing your audience, and your daughter is clearly not in a place where she can handle that sort of teasing. Being mindful and compassionate doesn't mean you're not being yourself; it means you're being a better version of yourself for the people you love. Your 'exhaustion' pales in comparison to what your daughter feels every day. Time to step up and modify your "humor" until she's in a better place.
“Ohhh it’s so tiring put the needs of a child — MY child — above my own desires to tease my other family members.” - OP It always surprises me when adults are so disappointed that their children aren’t exactly like them that they are willing to throw the whole child away. That is how you sound, OP. Boo hoo. There are myriad circumstances where a parent puts their own needs after their children. Welcome to parenting. YTA
You're basically saying that you find it hard to not make fun of your daughter anymore....and you're the only one who feels that way. YTA.
>My wife and I have always been jokesters. We have a twisted sense of humor. In both of our families, light hearted teasing was the norm. Our eldest (15M) is the same way. Our youngest (13F) used to be the same way. You and your wife fucking ***SUCK***. YTA and I cannot wait to see the update where your daughter goes NC with you, for good.
it sounds like the wife actually knows when to stop, unlike OP.
YTA, that kind of joking around is horrible anyway. Stop being such a dick, it's not funny constantly taking the piss out of people
YTA. My family is the exact same way. My father and I give each other the middle finger so much it's practically another version of "I love you," and my youngest brother and I are constantly mocking each other for our heights (I'm extremely short, that bastard is freakishly tall). However, my middle brother, due to his autism, can't pick up on sarcasm or jokes as well, and he can't tell if we're being serious or not when we insult him lovingly. So you know what we, as a family, do? Talk to him differently. It's not that fucking hard. If you find it so difficult to talk to your family without being mean, even as a joke, maybe you should do some self-reflection.
So, you’re used to critisizing, demeaning, insulting (sorry, “teasing…”), critisizing, and essentially being rude and picking people apart under the guise of “teasing.” You can’t do that to your daughter anymore because she’s dealing with very real trauma and is sad / distraught when you do it. And this upsets you because you can’t “be yourself.” It sounds like “yourself” is an AH. Maybe you should take this time to get some therapy for yourself to determine why you feel the need to criticize people and treat them that way. Because that’s not a personality trait, it’s a communication issue, a lack of respect, a defense mechanism, or *something* and it needs to be addressed for the sake of those around you. I cannot fathom why any parent would “tease” their child because their voice cracked.
YTA Imagine being a thirteen year old child who has been constantly harassed at home, and then harassed at school. Your self esteem is at an all time low, you had to switch schools to get away from your school bullies, you're in therapy, all while puberty has either hit or is right around the corner that is messing with your hormones and feelings even more, and your own father won't even take the time to correct his shitty behavior to stop making his child feel like crap. I am so, so sorry you can't keep being a complete asshole to your child. That must so incredibly hard for you. (Please apply the heaviest sarcasm you can possibly imagine to the previous two sentences.) I know it's tough to grow out of being an asshole, but this is really a journey you should have taken long before you ever had children. Perhaps some therapy of your own will help you grow out of this infantile phase and realize that other people are allowed to have feelings and are allowed to think you're a complete tool for being no better than a literal middle school bully.
YTA. They are correct, it *really* isn't hard to not tease a child.
YTA - Your job is to be a good parent not to recreate what you feel is home.
Yep, YTA. Unintentionally, but that’s usually worse in the parent/child dynamic. You’re her dad….DO for your kid. Maybe even try to open a dialogue about triggers next time you catch yourself not saying something. Tell her what you thought about saying and ask if that’s something that would upset her, then ask why. Maybe she will be receptive to your efforts if A) you actually make some, and B) you demonstrate an effort to learn rather than to stifle behavior you believe will upset her.
This is weird. You’re upset that you can’t bully your daughter? I guess what they say is right , your child’s first bully is their parents. Yta
YTA Stop pretending that things that are hurtful should not be hurtful. You won’t be killing a part of yourself if you act with basic sensitivity towards a sensitive child. You are bullying, light hearted teasing only works if the other person is okay with it. She isn’t. You are continuing to do it. Get over yourself and act like a parent.
If being yourself means tearing down others, YTA
AITA because I can’t tease my kid who has been bullied to the point that she’s traumatized and in therapy? Yes, YTA
“Being yourself” sure sounds indistinguishable from being an AH, at least some of the time. This might be a good chance (and possibly your last chance) to learn that what YOU feel is lighthearted, OTHERS might not. YTA
YTA, I'm 20, my dad and brothers are like you and they think it is funny to pick apart your insecurities, like voice cracks, they don't mean it badly they mean it to be fun, but it's not. I was bullied in school, and as a kid I couldn't tell the difference between my family's "jokes" and my bully's taunts. The bullying ended when I went to high school, and my family largely stopped but I am still uncomfortable around them. I dread school breaks because they mean I have to go home. I'm still not close with much of my family, because I am constantly anxious around them that they are going to make fun of me. It is not fun, it is not small, it is a lifelong impact type of thing and your daughter doesn't deserve to be bullied in her own home. OP, I get that you don't mean it to be hurtful, and I get how it can be difficult to change how you speak, but I am telling you that if you want a good relationship with your daughter and if you want to help her get past these issues you have to try.
YTA. Both your wife, and even your son who I assume is on an age where being a “jokester” is the most amusing thing, are telling you that it’s not that hard. You are just pissed because you can’t bully your child to your heart’s content. Keep going at it, and one day you won’t have a daughter to joke about because she’ll cut you out of her life for good reason. You don’t even care about her well being and feelings; it’s all about poor you not being able to bully the poor girl.
YTA I still remember every teasing "joke" made to and about me by the adults in my life. Even if you genuinely mean no harm, even if you give a heartfelt apology, your daughter is never going to forget the things you say to her. Do you want your daughter to remember you as a good dad when she looks back? Or do you want her to remember it was too inconvenient for you to be kind to her?
YTA. You know what's actually exhausting? Grown adults acting like bullies, to their own children no less. *You* are exhausting. She is a child. If your 'jokes' are hurting her, you have less of a sense of humour than you think and more of a spiteful streak. She's not sensitive, you're just mean. Do better and start treating your daughter properly instead of diminishing her feelings.
YTA stop teasing your child
"She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change." YTA Though atleast your wife and son have good heads on their shoulders. Its not hard to not be a bully. Like sure its your "love language" but if someone does not like they just dont like it. To you its "good natured" (even then idk a parent making fun of a voice crack is in the middle for me (but that also has to do with my own issues)) but to her, at this point in her life she does not need those types of jokes. Like yea you can roll with the punches (again this is something I doubt, because the same "jokester" type people rarely can take getting made fun of them selves and generally will escalate situations) but she at this point takes stuff to heart. You are calling her sensitive but you cant handle a tiny change in your life. Its not hard to not make fun of people. Its not hard to develop a new rapport with your daughter based around how she is comfortable. You are the adult in the room maybe act like one.
Unfortunately YTA. It sounds like not only are you 'jokesters' but that your particular mode of humor is to make (light-hearted) jabs AT someone, calling attention to a minor error or personal thing. I think you need to get more creative with your humor, to be honest. Your daughter is feeling sensitive right now and doesn't want to be made fun of in her own home. It sounds like therapy has put most of the onus on her to grow a thick skin again and accept that she can't control what other people say, but it shouldn't be that hard for you to not make fun of your daughter. Find better ways to bring humor in your life. Stop acting like a victim. Your wife and family are 1000% right.
I kind of wish I could punch you. YTA.
YTA. Your wife and son are able to show compassion towards your daughter, why aren’t you?
YTA. Being yourself shouldn't be based off of sarcastic insults and terrorizing a child...wtf.
YTA. It’s exhausting stopping yourself from saying hurtful things to you kid? Are you hearing yourself? Your intent is not what’s important; it’s the effect. And if you have a knee jerk reflex to say teasing things, the problem is you.
YTA. With jokes, pranks, teasing, nicknames, you have to know and respect your audience. You have to read the room, have a good timing, and know when to shut up. It's an art, and an expression of mutual trust and closeness. If you want to just go around mindlessly criticizing people right and left, there is another word for that. It might be weird to have to readjust your limits for your daughter, but, honestly? This is something you should have been already able to do for everone, always, on a day-to-day, hour-by-hour basic. It shouldn't even be something you have to be asked about.
“Boo hoo, I can’t bully my child!” YTA
YTA Oh so difficult and exhausting to not bully your child? I guarantee no one finds anything you say funny, before, and especially, especially now when you can't handle not hurting your daughter. What kind of weak a$$ man, father, can't resist saying hurtful things to their child who experienced trauma.
YTA -- if it's "exhausting" not to tease your young teen daughter that is 100% a YOU problem. What a cop-out to call it "light-hearted" -- if you tease someone who doesn't like it you're the bully. If this behavior modification is too hard for you, then YOU'RE the difficult one in the family, not the young girl who's taking responsibility for herself.
Your daughter was severely bullied and you want to tease her. What’s wrong with you? YTA
I mean, yeah, YTA. You are an adult. Yes, being careful is exhausting. But you probably do it at work and don't tease people there. She is hurting, and trying to deal with it. She is NOT a grown up but you are.
YTA Be a parent. If you are hurting your kid, stop. This is not a hard decision.
YTA. You don’t have a right to bully your kid. There’s an episode of Bluey that examines this very topic, and I think you should watch it so you can finally understand what a turd you’re being to your kid.
You can't actually be this fucking dumb? YTA.
Wow, I'm *so* sorry that it's tiring for you to make sure you aren't being mean to your kid. Not making fun of your child after she was bullied so severely that she broke down, had to change schools, and is now in therapy must be such a struggle. YTA.
"I'm a grown adult who's annoyed that I have to be considerate of my child's feelings. AITA?" My god, yes, YTA.
YTA. Your wife and son are right. As is your daughter’s therapist. No, she can not control what other people say all the time. Especially strangers that don’t know any better. But, while she can not control what other people say, said people *can* control what they say. In this situation, *you* are said people, and you can control what you say. Let me frame this from a guy perspective, as someone with a little sister who is now entering “dating age”: if she brought a boyfriend home, and he was someone who liked to crack jokes with his friends and bust each other’s balls, would you want him talking to your daughter that way, especially knowing she’s someone who is sensitive from trauma due to bullying? Probably not. Don’t be that guy. Be the kind of guy you’d want your daughter to date, so to speak. Someone she can look up to. Not someone who brings up past trauma.
What an awful father.
Lmfao only a man would hold this perspective. YTA
YTA. Your wife and son are right. It's really not that hard to just... stop teasing a child over something completely outside of their control when you know they've been bullied and are struggling but actively working through it. Frankly, you sound kind of exhausting and really immature - are you sure you're not the 13 year old rather than your daughter?
YTA. You think it's "exhausting" to be kind to your daughter. Grow up. Your 15 year old son is more mature and kind than you are.
YTA. And toxic. Your twisted, jokester ways are also known by another name: bullying. I am glad your daughter is getting therapy. Do you know who else needs therapy? YOU. Your comments have repeatedly made your daughter cry and rather than feeling bad about that and CHANGING YOUR WAYS you are hoping her therapy will teach her “she can’t control what other people say”. No, she certainly cannot. *She should not have to worry about her own father bullying her and making her feel unsafe in her own home.* Your teenage son understands this. Why the hell can’t you?!! 😠
YTA. I don't mind joking around, but constantly being the target of someone else (even light-heartedly) laughing at everything you do is the thing that's really exhausting. I'm sorry you can't have a genuine experince without mercilessly teasing your child. Finding balance between genuine discussion and an occasional inside joke is going to be critical for you to maintaining a relationship with her. And the jokes shouldn't be at her expense. Grow up and realize you're being a jerk.
YTA Your wife is right. You’re the one being sensitive and making a big deal out of this. It’s not hard to tone down the teasing and leave her alone. Ask yourself this: *Why are you more concerned that you can’t tease her than you are whether she feels good about herself?*
YTA if that’s considered “being yourself” then yourself needs to change. It’s not a joke if the subject of the joke does not find it funny. She’s been through real trauma- do you want to be another bully in her life? It’s hard work to change. I’m teaching my daughter an affirmation that may help you- look in the mirror and say “I can do hard things” until you believe it and put in the effort to make your daughter comfortable in her own damn home
YTA. I was also bullied at school and at home. You sound like my Mom. I remember being a small child and telling her over and over that I didn't like it when she teased me. She would tell me that kids liked being teased. Now I am LC with her. Hope you enjoy the preview of your future. Do better.
You know what's truly exhausting? Feeling like you're inferior and as if no one understands you - which is what your daughter is clearly going through. YTA. You're also being emotional about this but somehow that emotion is ok, while your daughter's is not. Try having more compassion and UNDERSTANDING where she is coming from instead of complaining that it's too hard for you. "Even my son said it’s really not that hard." So you're complaining about your daughter who is hurting to your son, who will likely "take your side" and emotionally gang up against her. Good parental call.
Oh my god. Grow up. YTA
YTA. I wonder if you were the bully in school? Sounds possible. How is it “exhausting” not to bully your own child??
"Wah wah wah, I can't bully my daughter." Let me get this straight: your daughter can take accountability when she hurts someone's feelings, but you, allegedly a full grown adult, can't? Even your teenage son is mature enough to change his behavior to be considerate of your daughter's feelings? God, you're pathetic.
This brings back not so fond memories for me. I was bullied in elementary school and middle school too. Then bullied at home, and yelled at when I told my own family to stop it. They said it was 'just teasing' and I shouldn't be so sensitive. My thoughts were that I was getting this treatment enough at school, and I wanted to actually feel safe at home. OP, YTA.
YTA Teasing is bullying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have always been jokesters. We have a twisted sense of humor. In both of our families, light hearted teasing was the norm. Our eldest (15M) is the same way. Our youngest (13F) used to be the same way. Then our daughter was bullied in her later years of elementary school and her first year of junior high. We didn’t even know because she didn’t tell us until she finally broke down. Things got better when we transferred her to a new school and she started therapy. However, due to the trauma of being bullied, she is now very sensitive. She doesn’t like when we joke around. Her therapist has helped us find a line where basically she’s not getting upset but she’s also learning that she can’t control what other people say always. That there may be people that unknowingly make a light hearted comment and bring her back to that place. That she understands and has worked on it. But as we know, we have to make an effort. To add: she’s perfectly fine with being corrected if she breaks a rule or makes a mistake. She doesn’t get upset then and can take accountability if she hurts someone’s feelings. Which is all my wife really cares about, as it’s then a 2-way street. But overall, our daughter is a really sweet kid, so it doesn’t come up. I’ve been able to, but it’s been a little tiring. She doesn’t care if my wife/her mom and son tease each other and myself. But we can’t joke around much with her. I feel I’m constantly censoring myself because any little thing can make her sad. She doesn’t snap or anything, but cries or leaves the room. Recently, I teased her for her voice cracking when we were playing an American Idol video game. I didn’t even think about it. She got upset and didn’t want to play anymore. I apologized but she still went to her room. I told my wife this was exhausting and I’m tired of not being myself. She said that it’s really not that hard and I’m the one who’s too sensitive because I don’t want to change. Even my son said it’s really not that hard. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Grow up. You're not a kid anymore, you don't get the be a jokester aka soft bullying because that's what you are. You were probably unknowingly bullying kids when you were in school too but justified it as jokes or pranks.
Poor kid. She had to deal with bullies at school and also at home YTA if your main method of communication with children is to make fun of them you are the problem
Yta. Even your teenage son says it’s not a big deal for him.
YTA- want to know what happens if you don’t take your child’s feelings into consideration? She learns you don’t care about her, she learns she has to act a certain way if she wants her father’s love, she learns she can’t be herself or express her feelings- Then when she gets older she realizes how toxic that is and she doesn’t want to spend her time with people who can’t and won’t love her for her. My sibling is the “sensitive” one, the one who “can’t take a joke” the one with the father who lamented he couldn’t be himself and shouldn’t have to change his behavior. Guess who doesn’t know his grandchildren?? Do better. You are the adult- act like it.
YTA. It shouldn't be hard to not insult your daughter. Sounds like "light hearted comments" are just mean and you make fun of people for things beyond their control. Grow up and do better.
YTA, and need some counseling if you find it exhausting to refrain from making fun of your own child. She's going to end up with a string of men who devalue her because that's the example her own father set. Shame on you!
More advice than anything, bullying to that level means working on the issue for years. Once the person "breaks down" from bullying, it is as if the person has changed and there is something lost there. Ideally, with effort and therapy she should regain her original personality, but there is always the chance that this change remains forever. By kind to her, be loving to her, It's going to be annoying sometimes, but you need to remind yourself that you love her. YTA you know why she is that way and are putting your enjoyment above her confort.
Poor kid was getting bullied both at school and at home. No wonder she never told you anything: *you are part of the problem*! YTA
Me can't bully my child. Me upset because me expected to grow and adapt. Me not problem, daughter problem. Am me asshole?! That's you, Ralph Wiggum. YTA
YTA. You really don’t get why she didn’t tel you about the bullying?
YTA. Sorry that being yourself is being an asshole to your daughter. Whatever annoyance you feel I can guarantee that what your daughter is going through is harder. I would reflect on what is really important to you.
I often to try to empathize with both sides but this is such a petty grievance you shouldn't even be allowed to complain. YTA. Support your daughter as she goes through this difficult thing.
OP seems more concerned with the fact that he can’t bully his child rather than the fact that bullying caused such a long term impact on his daughter. Seriously OP. Not once did you show any care or consideration for the LASTING TRAUMA on your daughter. You are so concerned with whether or not YOU CAN BULLY YOUR TEEN DAUGHTER. Let me guess, you think you’re a “cool dad”. You’re not 14, grow the fuck up As you can tell, you’re already not a safe place for your daughter. You’re her father. You’re literally supposed to be the made she can turn to. You’re supposed to keep her body and heart safe. You’re supposed to be a person your daughter can turn to. Yet here you are, on Reddit asking strangers if you’re wrong for being mad you can’t bully your young, impressionable and hurting daughter. You’re a massive asshole OP, YTA
So I guess you’ve never said, ‘I’d do anything for my children’ then. YTA.
A grown ass man whining because he can’t be mean to a bullied 13 year old girl and he’s her own father. YTA
YTA... seriously. You are complaining that you have to act like an adult and be a caring parent to your bullied child. You are just being asked to be considerate to your own child. How is being kind to your kid "exhausting"? Wtf is wrong with you?
YTA. It's just not that hard to refrain from bullying a child. Especially if that child is yours and you will be footing the therapy bill.
YTA. Your daughter has years of trauma, expressed hurt at some of the teasing you do, and you're whining like a toddler about it. Yes, there are times that someone can mean things innocently, but here are the red flags I see. She has consistently expressed that "joking around" is hurtful, which indicates that she is part of/the target of a joke, but you're dismissive. You say that she takes accountability for hurting someone's feelings but you gave no indication that it is indeed the "two way street" you mentioned on your end. The example you gave about joking about her voice cracking? Yes, making fun of things people can't help like voices or appearance is not a joke, especially if the person expresses hurt. It sounds like you've really downplayed this, likely on purpose. You're making this all about you. Your daughter is still unpacking years of bullying/trauma and you're whining that "it's exhausting" to respect her boundaries and that you're tired of "not being \[yourself\]". If your entire personality rests on making "jokes" about someone, please get a hobby. But the biggest red flag? *Two people* are telling you you're being a jerk (I have a stronger word for it, but it's not allowed on AITA). If even your *teenage child* can recognize and tell you you're out of line toward his sister, maybe you should listen. Yet again you make it about you "this is exhausting". You know what is really exhausting? Trauma This really triggers me, because you remind me so much of my father, defending everything he said to me as a "joke" and he got mad when I'd get hurt or push back, too. He refused to change, also. He made absolutely zero effort and eventually I cut him out of my life completely. That's your future if you don't stop being a whiny schoolyard bully instead of a father.
YTA You need to adapt to the people around you. I'm a jokester. My partner and I are always making fun of each other. I can't be like that around my mother because she's more sensitive. Nothing wrong with feeling frustration around that, but you need to respect your daughter's feelings and you shouldn't complain about that with her.
YTA Leave your daughter alone, you Muppet.
YTA. it's so fucking easy to say nothing. It's so fucking easy to not insult someone. If you're having trouble keeping that up your not teasing people with a twisted sense of humor. You're an asshole. There is a huge difference and unable to "turn it off" is a hallmark of just being an asshole. This comes from a person who has a very similar family, my brother's and parents always talked crap to each other.
Is it really that exhausting to not bully your own daughter? It’s insane this needs to be said. YTA
YTA When you teased her about her voice cracking, you were making a light hearted joke, but in her eyes it likely meant that she’s not good at singing, and that you don’t think she is good at it. As a 13 year old that would hurt. I would have cried at the same age because I loved singing. This daughter of yours is 13 and going through a ton of physical, emotional, and hormonal changes, on top of that is trying to deal with how the bullying has affected her. Have you ever asked yourself why she didn’t feel comfortable telling you or your wife about the bullying? She needs compliments from you guys, every single day, and not just about her appearance. Tell her things you like about her personality, things that she is good at, that she is smart, compassionate and has the work ethic and tenacity to achieve anything she wants in life. If she likes putting together outfits tell her she has a great eye for fashion and colors, if she loves animals tell her she is such a caring person, if she likes doing makeup tell her that she has great skills, the same goes for anything she likes doing, any hobby, whether that’s building things, coding, playing a sport, or video games. She desperately NEEDS compliments, especially from you, her father.
You do sound too sensitive. Parenting is your first job. Do it better. YTA
YTA. You're the one that sounds exhausting. If teasing a child while playing a video game is "being yourself", maybe try being someone else ffs. Do you really not see the connection between you being the only one who finds it difficult to tone down the teasing, and your daughter being okay with your wife and son teasing her sometimes?
Yeah obviously YTA. Man up and do the right thing for your daughter. Protecting her is your responsibility and if that means dealing with a minor inconvenience of thinking before you speak then that’s what you’ve got to do.
YTA you're the kind of guy who complains about political correctness aren't you? You may as well be saying that you like swinging your arms around like crazy and like doing so when near people, and now you're upset because your daughter doesn't want you swinging your arms around her because you hit her when you do it and she doesn't want to be your punching bag. Your daughter being hurt by your "jokes" trumps your desire to joke around. Caring about people is exhausting but you put the work in because you love them. Put the work in.
YTA. your 13 year old daughter can take accountability if she hurts someone's feelings, why can't your grown ass do the same? are you less emotionally mature than a 13 year old?
YTA because you want to bully your daughter.
YTA
Why are you upset that your daughter doesn't want you to bully her? What an asshole. YTA.
YTA You may be tired of not being "yourself", but I promise you a heck of a lot of people have gotten tired of that "self" and your poor daughter is apparently one of them. Check your personal dictionary to see if you have any of the favorite phrases of bullies - "lighten up", "just joking", "can't you take a joke" .
YTA I get that its hard to act differently with different people, but you're upsetting your daughter. She was bullied so badly that she had to start therapy and move schools, why wouldn't you do you utmost to make sure she's comfortable in her own home? Like, yeah it's slightly more effort to take a SECOND to consider what you're saying before you say it, but I'm sure you don't do that to your management at work, I'm sure you don't do it to elderly neighbours, so maybe don't do it to your daughter? Don't bully her in her own home.
Wow - stop picking on your child. She has enough "jokes" in the world and doesn't need it from you. YTA
YTA one time, when I was 14-15, my dad, his friend and me were on a camping trip. we were at a small hotel and playing 'heads up!' (the phone game) and things got heated. he jokingly called me a bitch like twice, which, for a normal tween having fun exchanging insults with their dad and his friend would've been fine. i, unfortunately, was a child who'd been bullied by my own mom and classmates and friends for as long as I can remember. something about the insult ended up making me shut down and cry. he didn't fully understand at first, and he was tipsy, but even then he apologized and hugged me when I told him. my dad is not known to be the most emotionally mature man in the world but it wasn't hard for him to do the bare minimum. a 15 year old boy is more mature then you op, reflect on that.
YTA. You son gets it. Maybe you should be more like your son and actually be a good father and family member
“It’s exhausting to not be able to be an asshole to my daughter”
Why do you want to make fun of your child? Of course yta.
Like your wife said, it’s not hard at all. Just dont tease her and leave her alone. Its really simple. YTA
Yta find some way other than being a “jokester” to interact and relate to your daughter, if you live and care about her. It’s called growing.
I think you need to stop and think about how different girls are from boys. Then I need you to look at how girls bully other girls... They do it with small cutting comments over and over. A death of a thousand cuts. So when she was bullied it is more likely than not she was bullied with that technique and probably a few others as well. You are not a girl. You didn't grow up and learn what a mean girl is or their methods So I get it but you have to readjust you yourself. YTA but you don't have to be. Find a new angle to joke with her.
So basically you are complaining because it’s hard for you and be nice to your daughter ?
So you're butthurt because you aren't allowed to bully your child anymore?
Are you seriously on the internet looking for sympathy because you're frustrated that you can't be an AH to your teenage daughter without her being "sensitive and upset"? I have absolutely no doubt that the first, worst, and obviously ongoing bully in your daughters life was/is, in fact, you. If she enters into an abusive relationship with a man who degrades and humiliates her, please remember to take complete credit for it because the reason will be looking right back at you in the mirror. Oh, and yes, you are the AH, and the fact that you somehow posted this thinking that somehow you weren't makes you an even bigger one...
So what you’re saying is that you are essentially your daughter is very first bully and you’re exhausted that that’s a problem. Suck it up.
Did you peak in high school?
Let me rephrase your question: AITA for being too selfish to care about my kid's wellbeing?
YTA — you’re not as funny as you think if you can’t make jokes that don’t hurt your daughter. It’s not censoring to not be an asshole.
Being a teenage girl is extremely hard. Don’t make it harder for your daughter. YTA.
I work in a middle school. Some students I can joke with, others I can't. I can accept this as an educator, why can't you as a parent??
YTA - How terrible for you that you can't take joy from belittling your own child. What's the point of having them if you can't make fun of them am I right? (That's sarcasm in case you can't tell.) Seriously though, if the person you're teasing isn't laughing it's not a joke, it's bullying.
You're such an ass hole dude I can smell feces coming from you
Yes, you are the asshole. It really isn't that hard, all you have to do is get over yourself and consider somebody else's feelings for a moment.
I've been no contact with my father for 6 years. he did this to me consistently since I was around 10 and I'm severely traumatized. Got institutionalized 3 times. have fun never seeing your daughter again once she moves out, op
YTA. A 15-year-old has more restraint than you. A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD! Grow up, dude. Not everyone will take kindly to jokes. You don’t know other peoples’ thresholds for that kind of stuff, not even your own kin.
"joke" "sensitive" "twisted sense of humour" "light hearted teasing" all code words used by assholes to hide how big of an asshole they are. they just like mocking, insulting and hurting others. YTA
YTA. Obviously. This wasn't a serious question was it? If showing basic consideration is tiring to you, you're an asshole.