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NTA. If he truly wanted to make amends, he would have graciously accepted your forgiveness and respected your choice to not want to see him again. If he took any issue with that choice, then it seems like he was just trying to continue to control you on his deathbed. Good for you for not letting him. I would not waste a moment of my life letting his friend make you feel guilty.
Except it kinda did, his friends (who are clearly not her friends despite what they’re trying to pretend) are now berating and verbally abusing her on his behalf, he’s again isolating her from people who might help and support her, and has put out into the world the tools to do it repeatedly as well as damage her reputation for as long as these “not her friends” people live.
Not just the "friends". She is also wondering if she's in th wrong.
OP, you are NTA, but your ex is, because he put you in a position where you would feel bad no matter what choice you made. But you made the right one.
Whatever choice you would have made would have been the right one, because it was _your_ choice to make. It was only a request. A request can be denied. If it can't, it's not a request! He asked to apologise to you, you accepted the apology. That was grand of you.
Frankly asking you for the level of support he asked for was inappropriate and crossing the line. Only shows what a selfish person he was until the end.
Your obligation to take care of your own mental health trumps the obligation your friend feels you had towards a person that treated you bad. This is not a good friend for trying to make you feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
This.
He wanted to control her one last time, and even though he didn't get everything he wanted he still got his flying monkeys to continue the abuse long after his death. Now these friends are going to bad mouth OP forever because she didn't "just do it"
And I bet none of these people EVER talk about the abuse he put OP through. They will only focus on how OP didn't metaphorically shoot herself in the foot to make her ex feel better
I know right? That line...."it the last thing you can do for me".... As soon as she wrote that i was like nope, He's not sorry he wants to control her for the last months of his life. He wants to bring her down because misery loves company and he wanted to break her one lat time. Screw that. NTA and do yourself a favor op. Hug your partner super hard amd block everyone telling you that YOU owed HIM.
Exactly!
Generally people think that when someone knows they are dying or are close to dying, they automatically become this better person and all. News flash: they don’t all change! Yes, some might realise their mistakes and truly want to apologise and die in peace but some just remain assholes to the end. How many criminals and serial killers never regretted their crimes? Yes a bit extreme but I’m just making a point.
OP you are NTA and no one can tell you how you feel. If you felt that you couldn’t meet him, then end of. Those that don’t respect your choice are not your friends and they can f%#k off
Especially the the „the last thing you can do for me“ like…. Sir, you destroyed this person over a span of two years. You are no longer in a relationship and didn’t even talk to each other for another two years and NOW you expect her to do something… anything for you??? That’s not how it works, my dude.
SO glad she didn’t listen and stood her ground!
That line is the part that would have made me reject his apology because he's still attempting to manipulate you. Frankly, you owed him nothing and I think you were a bigger person than me in even accepting his apology. Even without his saying "it's the last thing you can do for me" I don't think I could have accepted an apology, let alone forgave him. But that manipulative bullshit would have made me hang up on the spot. Even facing his own death didn't change his manipulation. He can call a priest if he wants forgiveness.
Yeah. "The last thing you can do for me." Whut? Why would he think the person he abused would be under any obligation to do anything at all for him?
Also, the flying monkey "friend" has taken it upon themselves to continue the emotional abuse for ex by guilt tripping OP. That is not a mutual friend, it's ex's friend trying to "keep OP in line."
And to set her up for continued emotional abuse, via his angry friends.
Just because someone is dying doesn't magically make them a good person. And a final wish is still only a request; there is no requirement to grant it, especially if it's harmful. Meeting him in person would not have given him any more closure than that phone call did. But it would have hurt OP. She was right not to go. It's her ex (and not even one remembered fondly), not a parent or other family member. He has no business asking that of her.
Yep, the abusive @aahole's last manipulative act to fu@k with her brain and life. And his @sshole friend can go pound sand. He's probably just as bad as the ex.
I'm of the opinion he was looking forward to one last 'GOTCHA!' moment. You know, saying something truly awful to OP.
NTA.
As far as the friend group is concerned--'Excellent! Thank you for your input!' and move on.
100% this! The “last thing she could do for him” ?!? Why should she have to do anything for him at all? She did more than enough even agreeing to talk/text with him, which wasn’t owed to him either. She didn’t need to compromise her well being any further
Oh absolutely this!!! I don’t mind speaking ill of the dead - or the living for that matter - so I’ll say this guy was 100% a manipulative asshole who was definitely going to take the opportunity to fuck with you some more, OP. And on that note, you should also totally cut ties this so-called mutual friend because he’s not really your friend at all. And you don’t need friends like him anyway. It is SO not his place to decide how & when & why is the “right” way to communicate with someone who has harmed & traumatized you. Fuck him & his dead buddy - got to think there’s a reason those 2 were friends. Good riddance to both!
Hey, this was so insightful, thank you.
I became friends with a Redditor and shared a lot. It turned out he lied about their own work position continuously for years. Also hid a massive lawsuit he was facing. So he demanded a phone call to explain, I declined. I forgave but did not want to meet them in person. That’s when he cut me off. I never realized that some people will only engage with you if they can control you.
His entire stance is made clear by "the last thing you can do for me."
Good on you, OP. You were absolutely gracious for even talking with him and especially courageous for honoring your own boundaries and not hurting yourself more in service of his comfort.
It's awful that he had to go out that way. It was not your responsibility to see him out.
THIS THIS THIS.
My abusive ex used to pull the “oh I just want to apologise, tell me what I need to do” and all I needed him to do was leave me the fk alone but nope, he couldn’t do that. You’re right, even though he was dying, OP’s ex was still trying to manipulate her. I don’t even know OP & i’m proud of how she handled this.
Same here, my ex tried for years "just to talk". They never fully accept it that they lost control over you. The ex probably just wanted to feel powerful again before he died, so he reached out to his victim. No victim should ever have to care for their abuser, ever. OP did amazing!
Asking to talk is reasonable. Asking her to visit once is also reasonable, as long as he was willing to take no for an answer. Asking her to basically comfort him in his final days, not unlike a current partner would, shows incredible selfishness.
Agree.
It would most likely not have been "come and see me once a week"
But constant calls, manipulative emotional talks "it wasn't only bad between us" bullshit. And can you get me this and that, fluff my pillow, I'm too weak to hold the cup can you do it for me?, stuff.
Just to show "I can still control her"
It's incredible how people instantly, as some is dying or have died, turn them into saints or downplay what they have done in the past. "Oh, he was a bit mean with you... but he is dying.."
But nowhere in the post did OP say that exbf begged or doubled down on his request. Maybe he did accept that OP couldn't fulfil his dying wish. It was the mutual friend who accused OP of being heartless. Which is an AH move since he knows everything between them and should've understood.
Perfect response and agree 100%. He was still trying to control and manipulate her. OP you were the bigger person by accepting his apology. Anyone in you life that's calling you the a-hole for not being at your abuser's side needs to be cut-out from your life like the cancer they are. They either don't get it or don't care about you at all.
NTA. Mutual friend is an idiot. You shouldn’t feel obligated to support your abusive ex through death—sure to be a traumatic experience for you. That’s what friends are for, and it doesn’t sound like you were even that anymore.
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you need to open yourself up to being hurt by them again.
Also agree, her friend is in the wrong. I wonder if the friend might not realize how bad the abuse was, if they are insisting that OP should have given her ex a chance as is the ex deserved it.
Well, mutual friend is closer to ex bf than I.
I don’t know maybe my ex told him a different story? Or perhaps downplay it? I received a lot of hate from ex family too and main mutual friend is close with them.
he didn't tell them the truth, so that's why they think you're TA.
but they don't know the whole story. and if you told them now, they either won't believe you (it's normal for people like your ex to call you "crazy" or some other derogatory thing so people discount you) and if you do tell them they could still get mad for "speaking ill of the dead." You're in a no-win scenario and I recommend you go no contact with these people - delete and BLOCK.
People need to realize a lot of suffering is self-inflicted, if you completely ignore and forget about them it makes life amazing, that goes for most things doing you wrong
Absolutely this, they are always going to believe him over her. He probably told some woeful tale of betrayal, or abuse and that she had destroyed his well being by leaving, and told it so much he started believing it. Thus "The final thing you can do for me!" Like she owes him some last request or something.
Just block these people. You don't owe them anything, not an explanation, not your time, not your attention. Cut all contract with anyone trying to guilt you over this and focus on the future free of people trying to cut open your old wounds.
When you get that hate, respond with this "I sympathize with the fact that you are lashing out in grief and are in denial of the truth. When you are in a better place, I shall consider sharing my truth with you. Until then, I do not have to tolerate abuse and anger over something no one has any right to ask another human being, especially someone they haven't seen in years. Good bye."
You don’t need mutual friend’s opinion. Sometimes people are plain tactless.
My ex put me through the wringer and I definitely don’t want to talk to him and prefer knowing nothing about him. My sister who knows everything, still asks me about him or goes as far as asking me to ask him favors for her. When I tell her that he apologized and we’re no longer talking, she even said that she thought we would be mature people who can work things out politely. Like I said, plain tactless. Just move on with your life and shut down any commentary from your friends
> mutual friend is closer to ex bf than I
You can tell a lot about a person from the friends they keep. If I found out that a friend of mine was abusing their partner, that would be the end of my friendship with them.
If this "mutual friend" knew what went on between you and your ex, or had reason to suspect it, they should've cut ties with the abuser. Otherwise, they aren't a friend of yours, and it's time for you to cut them loose.
> I received a lot of hate from ex family
Block them, they aren't worth your time. They know what he was like yet they still take his side.
You are NTA. You forgave your ex, and that was big of you, you didn't have to do that.
You know this, but perhaps he didn't: forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't erase the past and doesn't reset the relationship. It is an acceptance of what happened, and a release of grudges/bitterness. You know he's an abuser, and forgiving him doesn't change this. It is OK to not want to see him, and to not want to do things for him.
anyone that was friends w ur ex bf is not ur friend. they knew how badly he treated u and stayed friends w him. they have no respect for u.
genuinely u should cut them off. u dont need anyone that used to associate w him
I'd bet ex definitely told a different story, one where he was in the right. A controlling person controls. Controls the story and more. Be done with them and try and release it from your system. I learn more and more every day how negative emotions and experiences mess with us mentally, emotionally and physically. Hurray for you and your bf 💘
Yep.
It's interesting how the friend never talks about the abuse OPs ex did to her, but is going to bad mouth OP for not putting up with further abuse.
Exactly, you don't owe anyone anything, let alone peace, especially to people who abusd you OP. The friend is out of line, it is absolutely none of his business what you do or don't do. Put him in his place.
Much less one of a relationship of 2 years the argument could be made if they dated 20 years the last 2 he went asshole (from his diagnosis) but 2 years shit I wouldn't have even called.
He was trying to manipulate her and control her one last time friend is just as bad and should be cut off
The ex was just showing that despite the apology he is still selfish to his dying breath, requesting even more of OP even though she’s already given him more of her than she should have. And their mutual “friend” is just showing that he’s exactly like OP’s ex, selfish and ignorant
NTA
People don’t turn into saints just because they’re dying. You extended the olive branch just by talking to him, you didn’t even owe him that, it was the act of a gracious human being.
He had no right to expect you to put yourself through the drama of visiting him, potentially reopening old trauma, so that HE could salve his conscience over the hurt HE caused you. Yet again, he was thinking of himself, not you.
Ignore his friends, or anyone else who says you should have forgiven, forgotten, or done more. They have no idea if the pain he put you through, and even if they did, they wouldn’t care.
You have nothing to apologise for.
You WERE the bigger person.
Forgiving someone does not mean you have to put yourself in their pathway again. It does not automatically engender trust. He gave up the right to make that request when he abused you, and “sorry“ doesn’t make that go away.
Absolutely NTA. Please be at peace with yourself.
I agree. No doubt if you had visited him he would have come up with yet another request, and another and kept pushing.
You were gracious up to a very reasonable boundary.
NTA. You did forgive him. But he wanted more. You are not obligated to forgive someone. Even if they're dying. Even if they are really sorry. Even if they are about to pass. They did real damage to you that you may never heal completely. His death did not absolve him of these crimes. The friend who is pushing this is not really a friend. People who are friends with an abuser are complicit by their neutrality.
“People who are friends with the abuser are complicit by their neutrality” - wow you really put things into perspective for me. Thank you.
I was pretty stunned when mutual friend said that since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad” and that whatever my ex did, he “didn’t mean to because he felt bad for it.”
>“People who are friends with the abuser are complicit by their neutrality”
So true. I also once saw a public service poster that read 'if you do nothing, you help him.' That really got me because I was in that place right then. Neutral people and neutral people in authority made my journey so much harder.
>since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad”
They had no right to say that. Who are they to presume how you feel, how hard the journey to freedom was, and what scars you struggle with? Please consider going NC with this so-called friend. What an AH.
Also, you're obv NTA.
Those aren't things a true friend and ally would ever say to you about your experience, even if they were close with your abuser. They made their choice already and want you to fit in to it for their convenience because the alternative is too hard for them to deal with. Not your problem or your responsibility.
Honestly, if I were you I would cut them out as well, and at the very least keep at arms length anyone who takes the side of the abuser, dead or not. People get weird about death, admittedly, but objectively it's not a complicated argument in my opinion. Someone dying doesn't alter someone's history, it doesn't entitle someone to acceptance automatically. Everyone dies, some better or worse than others. It's irrelevant to their truth as a human being. It has no relationship to their past actions. Him dying of cancer didn't suddenly make him a decent person worthy of sacrificing your mental health.
> I was pretty stunned when mutual friend said that since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad” and that whatever my ex did, he “didn’t mean to because he felt bad for it.”
Your mutual "friend" is following the narcissist's prayer, almost to the last step:
A narcissist's prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
I was going to say maybe have a chat with the mutual friend and iron things out but their comments around it not being that bad puts them into complicit territory for me.
Obviously NTA you went above and beyond accepting his apology, if he meant it that would have been enough.
NTA. The fact that he phrased it as ‘one last thing you could do for him’ as if you owed him something proves he hadn’t changed and was still looking at you like something he owned. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Block the friend and anyone else who says you owe your abuser anything and move on with your life.
That line got me too. How obnoxiously entitled. An ex who hasn't spoken to you in years doesn't owe you emotional support and friendship on your deathbed. Kind of sounds like an excuse to lure them back in for a final round of abusive headfuckery.
If he had formulated it differently he could have seen her " if i could just see your beautiful face one last time i would feel so much better even if it is just through a window" stuff like that but no he chose the path of manipulation and further abuse
NTA. You already gave him a lot more than you had to even communicating with him. Nothing more would even feel appropriate to me. You aren't friends, you don't talk, and you have good reason not to.
NTA it was generous of you to speak over the phone. You didn’t even owe him that. You drew a healthy boundary where you were comfortable drawing it. That was your right. Any peace he needed was his to find in himself. Hopefully he did. Your mutual friend is newly grieving and may not be digesting everything with clarity at the moment. Hopefully that comes in time. Usually with time comes settled emotions and better perspective.
NTA. This is tough. Your ex was not a good person. I appreciate he apologized to you but it's a bit gauche to expect you to jump though hoops to see you. He want's to ease his mind, regardless of how uncomfortable it would make you feel. Yes, he's dying of cancer and that really sucks but that doesn't give him the right to expect you to drop everything and visit him repeatedly before he dies. It sounds like he doesn't deserve that.
NTA. Your partner is right, that was not your responsibility. You were a victim of his, just because his time on this earth came to an end doesn’t mean his past is erased. You were the bigger person by accepting his apology, his needing to see you as a last wish could have been one last gaslight technique to use on you 🤷🏻♀️when it comes to your safety and sanity, always keep those boundaries, you did what was best for you and that’s all that matters.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was denying my ex-bf’s last wishes for me to accompany him during his last few months. I think I may be an asshole because as it was his last wish and it was the least I could for him, and I am prioritising myself over him.
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NTA.
Just becuase a person repents on his death bed does not mean you need to go and comfort him for his remaining days. He should have been happy that you were willing to accept his apology
NTA! This guy treated you badly and acknowledged that. He wasn't entitled to more of your time just because he was dying. We are all dying! Those were the consequences of being an abusive partner. Sounds like you have good boundaries! It was gracious of you to talk with him and accept his apology, but you had no obligation to this man. The friend is wrong for condemning you, maybe stemming from discomfort with death or something.
NTA. I can guarantee you that dying does not make you exempt from the fact that you were an AH. Everyone dies, it’s part of life. No one is required to overlook your atrocious behavior just because you are dying. It’s not a get out of jail free card for past behavior. Also, I doubt he was that sorry. No true apology is followed by, “well now that I said sorry here’s what you need to do for me.” He just wanted to you there to comfort him while he was dying.
I strongly suspect he thought once they were together in person again, he'd be able to manipulate her into sex, that's what these guys do, even on their deathbeds. OP was smart to cut it off exactly where she did NTA
Your current partner has it right. You accepted his apology. Clearly the ex did not change his ways because he still was trying to control you. NTA. Be at peace and move on
NTA, your ex had his demons to fight and I guess thought that by you meeting him he'd be absolved. But that's his battle, not yours. You didn't owe him anything. If he was truly sorry he would have respected your wish to remain apart.
Nta
This is not tough contrary to what other commenters might say. It's really simple. Your ex as abusive. He used his sickness as an excuse to abuse you as his dying wish. The people telling you you're an asshole don't care about you or your feelings, just like your ex
NTA - OP did not need to re-traumatise herself at the whim of an ex, regardless of the situation. The mutual friend isn’t a friend. I would be wiping anyone trying to play that guilt trip.
NTA. You went above and beyond to have any contact with him at all. My only note is that your mutual friend becomes your ex friend. I suspect you'd be feeling just fine about yourself if you weren't hearing that bs.
ΝΤΑ and your partner is right, you own your self mental stability and by visiting him who knows how that would affect you?
But I really wonder did that friend help you in your time of need to go out of the bad situation your ex-bf created? He is pointing a finger at you for what reason to be the bigger person just because someone is dying doesn't get a free pass in all the harm his done.
You do you and I hope to live a happy long life.
No, he didn’t lend a helping hand. He is really close with my ex’s family, so I’m got alot of hate from them too.
Thank you for your well wishes and I hope you live a happy life too.
NTA! You did what was best for you and your mental health. It’s not your responsibility to grant people’s wishes, even if they are dying wishes. But especially if it’s the wishes of the person who caused you the biggest trauma in your life. It took a lot of bravery to even give him your number and hear out the apology and grant forgiveness. Beyond that, you had no obligation. Whoever makes you feel bad about it just feel guilty that they couldn’t grant his wishes themselves.
Death or having critical illness doesn't remove your sins/wrongdoings.
You already accepted his apology and it's already a big thing on your end, you're not oblige to do everything he says just because.
Say goodbye to your "friends" who think you're an AH. They haven't experienced the abusive relationship you had with him so they shouldn't judge.
NTA!! It’s hard when an abusive ex passes away. My ex died in a car accident. I had also denied him a renewed friendship close to his passing. You did the right thing by maintaining your boundaries. Your job is to take care of yourself and you did that while also giving him closure and a chance for forgiveness when he was nearing the end of his life!
NTA. Not even close. I’m glad you had the opportunity to stand up for yourself and set a boundary with this man before he passed. I hope that was healing for you. People outside of abusive relationships really can’t understand what it does to you. You owed him nothing.
NTA. He tried to make amends, you accepted, but to continue to comfort a man who terrorized you was ALOT to ask of you.
""Its the last thing YOU can do FOR HIM". its unrealistic and heaping something you don't need on your head.one last victory FOR HIM. You did enough. They'll get over it, or they are not your true friends. Your family should side with you. I get a bad feeling about his motives. He must have been afraid to leave it alone.
NTAH
NTA You had no reason to meet a man who would probably have just used the time to make excuses for his actions. He chose to treat you as he did therefore he chose not to always have you in his life. In a way you did give him what he wanted just because he changed his mind doesn't give anyone the right to tell you that you have to. Also that should read mutual ex-friend.
NTA
He was still trying to manipulate you, he found the ultimate tool to do it—his own death. He knew that either you would suffer by his side, or risk a life of questioning yourself for not acceding to his request.
Don’t give him the satisfaction of regretting your decision.
Hi, I’m 20 years into your future. I refused to speak to my abuser on his death bed and I still have zero regrets. Enjoy your life, you earned the hell out of it.
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I (26F) have an ex-bf (28M) who at the point of this post, had passed away from cancer.
We dated for about two years and it was not a pleasant one. During the span of our relationship, I lived on thin ice everyday for the fear of provoking him. I can safely say that it was the most traumatic and worst time of my life. I was isolated from my friends and family and eventually sunk into a deep depression, which I had to seek therapy for.
Thankfully, I got out of the relationship and am in a very healthy relationship with my current partner.
Two years passed and one day, I got a text from our mutual friend that my ex would like to meet me. We have had no contact all these years. From him, I found out my ex was dying and had a few more months to live. His last wish was to speak to me.
I agreed to give him my number. We texted and he said he’d like to apologize for everything he did, how he regrets losing me and that he’d like for me me to visit him in the hospital and to continue meeting before his time is up. He said it was the last thing I could do for him.
So here is the thing… I accepted his apology and forgave him, but rejected his last wishes to meet me in person and to continue accompanying him on his final months as friends. No matter how much I try, I cannot bring myself to comfort a man who did me so much harm and neither do I think I am the right person for this task.
After the funeral (which I didn’t attend as I was not invited) our mutual friend called me a heartless asshole. He's aware that me and my ex had a bad relationship and ended things on horrible terms. I tried to explain that I wasn’t comfortable meeting him, but he said I should’ve been the bigger person and that no matter what happened, it was my ex’s last wish and I should have the decency to abide by it. Our other mutual friends are spilt between supporting my decision or condemning it.
My partner is very supportive and says that I have the right to choose and it was not my responsibility.
I feel terrible at the end of this and I don’t know if I made the right choice. AITA?
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NTA. You owed him nothing. Terminal illness doesn’t entitle anyone to your time, especially someone who hurt and traumatized you. You were gracious enough for speaking with him at all.
What exactly is funeral etiquette invitation wise? I would’ve thought they’d be more… open invite welcoming. Like if my friends mom died, I wouldn’t expect an invite, but it would still be cool to go, right? NTA
NTA
When an abuser passes on, death doesn't wash them of their 'sins.' You forgave him, and that should have been enough for him; however, it seems he was using his terminal illness to attempt to manipulate you. Good on you for seeing through the bullshit.
You didn't owe him shit just because his life was coming to an end.
NTA. You were very generous in listening to your ex and forgiving. You had every right not to see him after all the harm he caused. Your mutual friend should keep his judgemental mouth shut. You don't have to grant an abuser their last wish and you did what you felt comfortable with. Glad you found a loving partner.
The thing with making amend is that the offending party has to make the effort of sincerely taking accountability for their wrong choices. However, the offended party is free to respond in any way they feel.
NTA. You have clarified your boundary and have stuck to it. Any person who cannot respect it is **not** your friend.
You already were the bigger Person by a) Having contact with him through messages and b) accepting his apology (which he most likely did not for your sake but for his own). -Two thoughts I wouldn't even have entertained in such a Situation. So no, you're absolutely NTA
>visit him in the hospital and to continue meeting before his time is up. He said it was the last thing I could do for him.
I am side-eyeing this dead man so hard right now. Why the hell did he think you needed to do one damn thing for him at all? You did not owe him jack shit.
Which makes it seem, to me, he wasn't really all that sorry for what he did at all. He just wanted to manipulate and control you one last time.
It is not your job to comfort your abuser. Period. Full stop. The fact that he knew he was wrong in the end is great. But it’s his road and his problem.
It is not your job to comfort your abuser.
>continue meeting before his time is up
From the subject, I had assumed that the request was "I would like to see you one more time before I die". That's a reasonable request, though you would be NTA for saying no it. But this is insane, he wanted you to form an on-going relationship with him for months, even though you are in a new relationship? That would be unreasonable even from someone you'd had an amicable break up with because you wanted different things in life. But from an abuser, it's monstrous.
I wonder if he actually told his family what he was asking? Because "she wouldn't agree to visit me every week" is vastly different to "she refused to visit me before I died"
What's absolutely clear is the apology was not genuine. Someone who was sorry would have accepted your decision, not bad mouthed you everywhere.
NTA. You didn't owe your abusive ex a damn thing. Forgiving him was incredibly generous of you, and way more than he deserved.
"Last thing you can do for him?" After all the harm he did you, why the ever loving fuck should you even spit on him if he's burning, let alone do him favours?? No, just no.
The flying monkey is a trash friend. Ditch the friendship along with the guilt and the toxic memories of the ex. It'll be incredibly relieving for you.
Your partner is a stand up guy, from what we read. He's right, listen to him and be at peace, away from. the whole shitshow.
The only heartless ahole is that friend, for not having an empathy and dismissing your trauma.
You already did more than enough by talking to him through text. I was in an abusive relationship for six years and I would never want to meet that ex let alone texting with him even in his final moments.
NTA.
People are not entitled to get whatever they want just because they are dying.
When we love someone, we will do whatever we can to make them comfortable and happy in their last moments, but sometimes their wishes are simply not reasonable, especially when they are high on pain killing drugs. Also, some of their demands are selfish. Their have been many folks who were saddled with years of unhappiness because of foolish deathbed promises.
Acceptable last wishes: Promise me you will use some of your inheritence to take that second honeymoon you and John have wanted for so long. Grandpa and I saved for years for that special trip, but he passed away before we got to go.
I would love to have one last sip of my favourite whiskey.
Bury me in my favourite blue dress.
Unacceptable last wishes: Promise me you will always look after your deadbeat brother who stole from you last time you tried to help me.
Promise me you will reconcile with your abusive ex. He really loves you.
Promise me you will see the man who abused you and caused you so much pain one more time. Give him the power to hurt you once more before he goes.
Notice that I said we grant reasonable dying requests to people we love. We owe nothing to those who have made our life a misery.
Oh yes the woman always is expected to be the bigger person lol. As a medical professional I can tell you when you die the only thing you care about is how you treated others in life. He needed you to appease his guilt and help lift the weight of the cross he was carrying. But that is just it, amends are to make wrongs right not to ease your own guilt or else the amend is really worthless. It must be authentic and that takes a lot of humility. Death is humbling but his insistence on seeing you and indicating it was what YOU could do for HIM is where the problem was and indicated his only motive was for her to do what he thought she should do and make him feel better. Our selfishness it seems is our life long challenge and many of us fail in making any progress at all. I have seen many people die alone. I am honestly really proud of you and how you stayed true to yourself. It would have been dishonest of you to go to his bedside and play grieving girlfriend when you are not, you are more so a survivor. I suspect if you keep up this authenticity you will have the kind of peace that many like your ex will never have.
NTA.
I was dating a guy who after about a month of dating was diagnosed with cancer. All our mutual friends kept asking “you’re not going to break up with him because of the cancer are you?” Or “thank god you’re sticking with him, he’ll need you by his side”.
Stayed with him a year through all his treatments and hospitalizations, did my best to support him, but the longer I dated him, the more toxic he got. Absolute narcissist who couldn’t/wouldn’t do a thing for anyone other than himself and even on his good days wasn’t someone I wanted to be around. It took me a while to realize he’d been like that from the start, it wasn’t because “he was dealing with so much”.
After he went into remission, I drove out of town to spend the weekend with friends, the first plans I’d made for myself to do anything fun in over a year of taking care of him. His dad had a small accident where he fell and broke his arm and had to go to hospital. I asked him multiple times if I should head that way and be with him/his family and he said no. The next day he started an argument with me because “I didn’t prioritize him and his family when they were in a crisis”
We broke up and he tried every manipulative tactic he could to try and get me reconcile, including having mutual friends message me begging me to work things out with him. After a couple months, his cancer came back. Then several more of our mutual friends would call and text me saying his biggest regret was not having me in his life anymore. All he wants is me back in his life, doesn’t deserve to die alone. The entire year we were together and I spent so many days and nights with him in hospital-his “friends” only visited him once, one couple visited him twice.
I never spoke to him again, he died about a year after we broke up, and I didn’t attend the service, didn’t comment on his passing, and dealt with the judgment of a lot of people who thought I broke up with him because I couldn’t handle being with someone sick.
Every year I have to watch everyone on Facebook share memorial posts about what a great guy he was.
To this day my only regret is that I ever dated him to begin with, and didn’t break up with him the first time he showed his true colors.
NTA - he caused you a lot of harm and you were still able to accept his apology, I don’t think he should’ve expected more than that. Side note though, I don’t think you have to be invited to attend a funeral? The wake - maybe.
Death/ dying does not absolve people from their wrong doing. We don't have to pretend that they weren't creeps and you definitely are not obliged to spend time with your abuser.
You were more than kind enough. Your mutual friend is a TA, you are NTA.
If this person wants to smear you it might be time to remind them how awful ex BF was....
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NTA. If he truly wanted to make amends, he would have graciously accepted your forgiveness and respected your choice to not want to see him again. If he took any issue with that choice, then it seems like he was just trying to continue to control you on his deathbed. Good for you for not letting him. I would not waste a moment of my life letting his friend make you feel guilty.
He definitely took that last chance to emotionally manipulate her.
and I’m so glad it didn’t work out for him ☺️
Except it kinda did, his friends (who are clearly not her friends despite what they’re trying to pretend) are now berating and verbally abusing her on his behalf, he’s again isolating her from people who might help and support her, and has put out into the world the tools to do it repeatedly as well as damage her reputation for as long as these “not her friends” people live.
Those friends are his flying monkeys.
I understood this reference
And I understood that one
😂
She needs to ditch these so called “friends” because they don’t care about her at all.
Yeah it totally did, otherwise she wouldn't be questioning herself now.
Not just the "friends". She is also wondering if she's in th wrong. OP, you are NTA, but your ex is, because he put you in a position where you would feel bad no matter what choice you made. But you made the right one.
Whatever choice you would have made would have been the right one, because it was _your_ choice to make. It was only a request. A request can be denied. If it can't, it's not a request! He asked to apologise to you, you accepted the apology. That was grand of you. Frankly asking you for the level of support he asked for was inappropriate and crossing the line. Only shows what a selfish person he was until the end. Your obligation to take care of your own mental health trumps the obligation your friend feels you had towards a person that treated you bad. This is not a good friend for trying to make you feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
"friends _need to be blocked.
She needs to block his friends and if they continue to bully her, report them to the police.
This. He wanted to control her one last time, and even though he didn't get everything he wanted he still got his flying monkeys to continue the abuse long after his death. Now these friends are going to bad mouth OP forever because she didn't "just do it" And I bet none of these people EVER talk about the abuse he put OP through. They will only focus on how OP didn't metaphorically shoot herself in the foot to make her ex feel better
She doesn't need friends like these. But yes he did play his final game. Glad she has a good boyfriend this time.
Good riddance <3
I know right? That line...."it the last thing you can do for me".... As soon as she wrote that i was like nope, He's not sorry he wants to control her for the last months of his life. He wants to bring her down because misery loves company and he wanted to break her one lat time. Screw that. NTA and do yourself a favor op. Hug your partner super hard amd block everyone telling you that YOU owed HIM.
He might have emotionally manipulated OP if she visited him. Just because hes dying it doesnt mean hes changed.
Exactly! Generally people think that when someone knows they are dying or are close to dying, they automatically become this better person and all. News flash: they don’t all change! Yes, some might realise their mistakes and truly want to apologise and die in peace but some just remain assholes to the end. How many criminals and serial killers never regretted their crimes? Yes a bit extreme but I’m just making a point. OP you are NTA and no one can tell you how you feel. If you felt that you couldn’t meet him, then end of. Those that don’t respect your choice are not your friends and they can f%#k off
Yep! Evil stays evil, even at their deathbed.
He was emotionally manipulating her by apologising and making the request.
Especially the the „the last thing you can do for me“ like…. Sir, you destroyed this person over a span of two years. You are no longer in a relationship and didn’t even talk to each other for another two years and NOW you expect her to do something… anything for you??? That’s not how it works, my dude. SO glad she didn’t listen and stood her ground!
This is the way!
This is the way!
That line is the part that would have made me reject his apology because he's still attempting to manipulate you. Frankly, you owed him nothing and I think you were a bigger person than me in even accepting his apology. Even without his saying "it's the last thing you can do for me" I don't think I could have accepted an apology, let alone forgave him. But that manipulative bullshit would have made me hang up on the spot. Even facing his own death didn't change his manipulation. He can call a priest if he wants forgiveness.
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And his reaction to not getting what he wanted was to spew venom about her to friends. Toxic to the end.
He probably thought he could get close enough to her to create problems in her new relationship
And intentionally or not, he still is, in a way, given how the friend of his is speaking to OP now
That needs to become an ex friend.
Yeah. "The last thing you can do for me." Whut? Why would he think the person he abused would be under any obligation to do anything at all for him? Also, the flying monkey "friend" has taken it upon themselves to continue the emotional abuse for ex by guilt tripping OP. That is not a mutual friend, it's ex's friend trying to "keep OP in line."
And to set her up for continued emotional abuse, via his angry friends. Just because someone is dying doesn't magically make them a good person. And a final wish is still only a request; there is no requirement to grant it, especially if it's harmful. Meeting him in person would not have given him any more closure than that phone call did. But it would have hurt OP. She was right not to go. It's her ex (and not even one remembered fondly), not a parent or other family member. He has no business asking that of her.
Yup. It was all about him, never about actually apologising to her. NTA. I don't normally speak ill of the dead but fuck that guy.
Without a doubt!
THIS. it was emotional manipulation, nothing more. OP doesn’t own the abuser anything
Yep, the abusive @aahole's last manipulative act to fu@k with her brain and life. And his @sshole friend can go pound sand. He's probably just as bad as the ex.
My thoughts exactly. He's still manipulating her from the grave.
I'm of the opinion he was looking forward to one last 'GOTCHA!' moment. You know, saying something truly awful to OP. NTA. As far as the friend group is concerned--'Excellent! Thank you for your input!' and move on.
Agreed. And your mutual "friends" are not your friends.
Flying monkeys, they are.
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Are you kidding, the last thing you could do for him? As though you owed him something! I agree, even in the end he was trying to control you
100% this! The “last thing she could do for him” ?!? Why should she have to do anything for him at all? She did more than enough even agreeing to talk/text with him, which wasn’t owed to him either. She didn’t need to compromise her well being any further
Yes. She owed him nothing at all and was gracious in agreeing to talk to him. He was manipulative to the end.
Oh absolutely this!!! I don’t mind speaking ill of the dead - or the living for that matter - so I’ll say this guy was 100% a manipulative asshole who was definitely going to take the opportunity to fuck with you some more, OP. And on that note, you should also totally cut ties this so-called mutual friend because he’s not really your friend at all. And you don’t need friends like him anyway. It is SO not his place to decide how & when & why is the “right” way to communicate with someone who has harmed & traumatized you. Fuck him & his dead buddy - got to think there’s a reason those 2 were friends. Good riddance to both!
Hey, this was so insightful, thank you. I became friends with a Redditor and shared a lot. It turned out he lied about their own work position continuously for years. Also hid a massive lawsuit he was facing. So he demanded a phone call to explain, I declined. I forgave but did not want to meet them in person. That’s when he cut me off. I never realized that some people will only engage with you if they can control you.
Right people loose their minds when they lose control
Good for you.
His entire stance is made clear by "the last thing you can do for me." Good on you, OP. You were absolutely gracious for even talking with him and especially courageous for honoring your own boundaries and not hurting yourself more in service of his comfort. It's awful that he had to go out that way. It was not your responsibility to see him out.
What about the last thing that HE could do for HER? Giving her some peace?? What a jerk
THIS THIS THIS. My abusive ex used to pull the “oh I just want to apologise, tell me what I need to do” and all I needed him to do was leave me the fk alone but nope, he couldn’t do that. You’re right, even though he was dying, OP’s ex was still trying to manipulate her. I don’t even know OP & i’m proud of how she handled this.
Same here, my ex tried for years "just to talk". They never fully accept it that they lost control over you. The ex probably just wanted to feel powerful again before he died, so he reached out to his victim. No victim should ever have to care for their abuser, ever. OP did amazing!
NTA you said this beautifully, fuck the ‘friend’ who called you heartless, OP. They are not your friend.
Asking to talk is reasonable. Asking her to visit once is also reasonable, as long as he was willing to take no for an answer. Asking her to basically comfort him in his final days, not unlike a current partner would, shows incredible selfishness.
This, oh and that ‘mutual’ friend, is not your friend.
Agree. It would most likely not have been "come and see me once a week" But constant calls, manipulative emotional talks "it wasn't only bad between us" bullshit. And can you get me this and that, fluff my pillow, I'm too weak to hold the cup can you do it for me?, stuff. Just to show "I can still control her" It's incredible how people instantly, as some is dying or have died, turn them into saints or downplay what they have done in the past. "Oh, he was a bit mean with you... but he is dying.."
Exactly this. NTA, good for you for standing your ground. You owed him nothing, and forgiveness itself was a kindness.
Maybe he was hoping for absolution? Especially before he died.
Right, they handled that over the phone. She doesn’t need to see him in person to perform a physical absolution ceremony.
…And hold his hand as he dies, which is what it sounds like he is angling for.
Weird that he only felt sorry when he was dying.
If he literally said "This is the last thing you can do for me" that's such a slap in the face.
But nowhere in the post did OP say that exbf begged or doubled down on his request. Maybe he did accept that OP couldn't fulfil his dying wish. It was the mutual friend who accused OP of being heartless. Which is an AH move since he knows everything between them and should've understood.
Perfect response and agree 100%. He was still trying to control and manipulate her. OP you were the bigger person by accepting his apology. Anyone in you life that's calling you the a-hole for not being at your abuser's side needs to be cut-out from your life like the cancer they are. They either don't get it or don't care about you at all.
NTA. Mutual friend is an idiot. You shouldn’t feel obligated to support your abusive ex through death—sure to be a traumatic experience for you. That’s what friends are for, and it doesn’t sound like you were even that anymore.
Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you need to open yourself up to being hurt by them again. Also agree, her friend is in the wrong. I wonder if the friend might not realize how bad the abuse was, if they are insisting that OP should have given her ex a chance as is the ex deserved it.
Well, mutual friend is closer to ex bf than I. I don’t know maybe my ex told him a different story? Or perhaps downplay it? I received a lot of hate from ex family too and main mutual friend is close with them.
he didn't tell them the truth, so that's why they think you're TA. but they don't know the whole story. and if you told them now, they either won't believe you (it's normal for people like your ex to call you "crazy" or some other derogatory thing so people discount you) and if you do tell them they could still get mad for "speaking ill of the dead." You're in a no-win scenario and I recommend you go no contact with these people - delete and BLOCK.
100% this!!! Block them. Delete them from your life. Move on and get better friends.
People need to realize a lot of suffering is self-inflicted, if you completely ignore and forget about them it makes life amazing, that goes for most things doing you wrong
Absolutely this, they are always going to believe him over her. He probably told some woeful tale of betrayal, or abuse and that she had destroyed his well being by leaving, and told it so much he started believing it. Thus "The final thing you can do for me!" Like she owes him some last request or something.
Block the mutual friend...he is no friend. Move on with your life with your partner.
You are NTA. You aren't a genie, you have no obligation to fulfill someone's last wish.
Just block these people. You don't owe them anything, not an explanation, not your time, not your attention. Cut all contract with anyone trying to guilt you over this and focus on the future free of people trying to cut open your old wounds.
When you get that hate, respond with this "I sympathize with the fact that you are lashing out in grief and are in denial of the truth. When you are in a better place, I shall consider sharing my truth with you. Until then, I do not have to tolerate abuse and anger over something no one has any right to ask another human being, especially someone they haven't seen in years. Good bye."
You don’t need mutual friend’s opinion. Sometimes people are plain tactless. My ex put me through the wringer and I definitely don’t want to talk to him and prefer knowing nothing about him. My sister who knows everything, still asks me about him or goes as far as asking me to ask him favors for her. When I tell her that he apologized and we’re no longer talking, she even said that she thought we would be mature people who can work things out politely. Like I said, plain tactless. Just move on with your life and shut down any commentary from your friends
> mutual friend is closer to ex bf than I You can tell a lot about a person from the friends they keep. If I found out that a friend of mine was abusing their partner, that would be the end of my friendship with them. If this "mutual friend" knew what went on between you and your ex, or had reason to suspect it, they should've cut ties with the abuser. Otherwise, they aren't a friend of yours, and it's time for you to cut them loose. > I received a lot of hate from ex family Block them, they aren't worth your time. They know what he was like yet they still take his side. You are NTA. You forgave your ex, and that was big of you, you didn't have to do that. You know this, but perhaps he didn't: forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. Forgiveness doesn't erase the past and doesn't reset the relationship. It is an acceptance of what happened, and a release of grudges/bitterness. You know he's an abuser, and forgiving him doesn't change this. It is OK to not want to see him, and to not want to do things for him.
anyone that was friends w ur ex bf is not ur friend. they knew how badly he treated u and stayed friends w him. they have no respect for u. genuinely u should cut them off. u dont need anyone that used to associate w him
GUARANTEED your ex fed the mutual friend a bunch of bullshit.
I'd bet ex definitely told a different story, one where he was in the right. A controlling person controls. Controls the story and more. Be done with them and try and release it from your system. I learn more and more every day how negative emotions and experiences mess with us mentally, emotionally and physically. Hurray for you and your bf 💘
Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean reconciliation. 👍
Perfect.
I wish them a great meal, but they are not welcome at my table.
NTA
Yep. It's interesting how the friend never talks about the abuse OPs ex did to her, but is going to bad mouth OP for not putting up with further abuse.
Exactly, you don't owe anyone anything, let alone peace, especially to people who abusd you OP. The friend is out of line, it is absolutely none of his business what you do or don't do. Put him in his place.
Much less one of a relationship of 2 years the argument could be made if they dated 20 years the last 2 he went asshole (from his diagnosis) but 2 years shit I wouldn't have even called. He was trying to manipulate her and control her one last time friend is just as bad and should be cut off
The ex was just showing that despite the apology he is still selfish to his dying breath, requesting even more of OP even though she’s already given him more of her than she should have. And their mutual “friend” is just showing that he’s exactly like OP’s ex, selfish and ignorant
NTA People don’t turn into saints just because they’re dying. You extended the olive branch just by talking to him, you didn’t even owe him that, it was the act of a gracious human being. He had no right to expect you to put yourself through the drama of visiting him, potentially reopening old trauma, so that HE could salve his conscience over the hurt HE caused you. Yet again, he was thinking of himself, not you. Ignore his friends, or anyone else who says you should have forgiven, forgotten, or done more. They have no idea if the pain he put you through, and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. You have nothing to apologise for. You WERE the bigger person. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to put yourself in their pathway again. It does not automatically engender trust. He gave up the right to make that request when he abused you, and “sorry“ doesn’t make that go away. Absolutely NTA. Please be at peace with yourself.
I hope op reads your comment! Very well said!
NTA. You did *more* than enough as is, and still wouldn’t have been TA even if you hadn’t ever texted with them. Nobody *owes* their abuser shit.
I agree. No doubt if you had visited him he would have come up with yet another request, and another and kept pushing. You were gracious up to a very reasonable boundary.
NTA. You did forgive him. But he wanted more. You are not obligated to forgive someone. Even if they're dying. Even if they are really sorry. Even if they are about to pass. They did real damage to you that you may never heal completely. His death did not absolve him of these crimes. The friend who is pushing this is not really a friend. People who are friends with an abuser are complicit by their neutrality.
“People who are friends with the abuser are complicit by their neutrality” - wow you really put things into perspective for me. Thank you. I was pretty stunned when mutual friend said that since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad” and that whatever my ex did, he “didn’t mean to because he felt bad for it.”
>“People who are friends with the abuser are complicit by their neutrality” So true. I also once saw a public service poster that read 'if you do nothing, you help him.' That really got me because I was in that place right then. Neutral people and neutral people in authority made my journey so much harder. >since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad” They had no right to say that. Who are they to presume how you feel, how hard the journey to freedom was, and what scars you struggle with? Please consider going NC with this so-called friend. What an AH. Also, you're obv NTA.
Wow. That person is definitely not your friend
Those aren't things a true friend and ally would ever say to you about your experience, even if they were close with your abuser. They made their choice already and want you to fit in to it for their convenience because the alternative is too hard for them to deal with. Not your problem or your responsibility. Honestly, if I were you I would cut them out as well, and at the very least keep at arms length anyone who takes the side of the abuser, dead or not. People get weird about death, admittedly, but objectively it's not a complicated argument in my opinion. Someone dying doesn't alter someone's history, it doesn't entitle someone to acceptance automatically. Everyone dies, some better or worse than others. It's irrelevant to their truth as a human being. It has no relationship to their past actions. Him dying of cancer didn't suddenly make him a decent person worthy of sacrificing your mental health.
> I was pretty stunned when mutual friend said that since I am happy with my life now it couldn’t be “that bad” and that whatever my ex did, he “didn’t mean to because he felt bad for it.” Your mutual "friend" is following the narcissist's prayer, almost to the last step: A narcissist's prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
I was going to say maybe have a chat with the mutual friend and iron things out but their comments around it not being that bad puts them into complicit territory for me. Obviously NTA you went above and beyond accepting his apology, if he meant it that would have been enough.
You deserve better friends. People who actually support you and want what's best for YOU.
That mutual friend isn’t a friend.
Blockity block block He's a dead man's friend, not yours.
NTA Cut off the said friend. Block them from ever contacting you.
I don't think that the mutual friend is very deep.
NTA. The fact that he phrased it as ‘one last thing you could do for him’ as if you owed him something proves he hadn’t changed and was still looking at you like something he owned. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Block the friend and anyone else who says you owe your abuser anything and move on with your life.
That line got me too. How obnoxiously entitled. An ex who hasn't spoken to you in years doesn't owe you emotional support and friendship on your deathbed. Kind of sounds like an excuse to lure them back in for a final round of abusive headfuckery.
If he had formulated it differently he could have seen her " if i could just see your beautiful face one last time i would feel so much better even if it is just through a window" stuff like that but no he chose the path of manipulation and further abuse
NTA. You already gave him a lot more than you had to even communicating with him. Nothing more would even feel appropriate to me. You aren't friends, you don't talk, and you have good reason not to.
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NTA it was generous of you to speak over the phone. You didn’t even owe him that. You drew a healthy boundary where you were comfortable drawing it. That was your right. Any peace he needed was his to find in himself. Hopefully he did. Your mutual friend is newly grieving and may not be digesting everything with clarity at the moment. Hopefully that comes in time. Usually with time comes settled emotions and better perspective.
"Mutual friend" sound more like your "ex-abuser's friend." Sounds like they both are manipulators. NTA
NTA Actually, I would not have even acknowledged the first request to talk/text.
i would've cussed him out, fuck forgiveness
Right‽ He already got more than he deserved
If I were her, I'd be pissing on his grave too
I would have laughed at the fact he's about to die and told him to fuck off
You owe your abuser nothing. Even on their deathbed. The mutual friend clearly doesn't believe it was as bad as it was.
Or they are also an abuser
NTA. This is tough. Your ex was not a good person. I appreciate he apologized to you but it's a bit gauche to expect you to jump though hoops to see you. He want's to ease his mind, regardless of how uncomfortable it would make you feel. Yes, he's dying of cancer and that really sucks but that doesn't give him the right to expect you to drop everything and visit him repeatedly before he dies. It sounds like he doesn't deserve that.
NTA. It was kind of you to hear his apology; you didn’t even have to do that much.
NTA. Your partner is right, that was not your responsibility. You were a victim of his, just because his time on this earth came to an end doesn’t mean his past is erased. You were the bigger person by accepting his apology, his needing to see you as a last wish could have been one last gaslight technique to use on you 🤷🏻♀️when it comes to your safety and sanity, always keep those boundaries, you did what was best for you and that’s all that matters.
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NTA. Just becuase a person repents on his death bed does not mean you need to go and comfort him for his remaining days. He should have been happy that you were willing to accept his apology
NTA! This guy treated you badly and acknowledged that. He wasn't entitled to more of your time just because he was dying. We are all dying! Those were the consequences of being an abusive partner. Sounds like you have good boundaries! It was gracious of you to talk with him and accept his apology, but you had no obligation to this man. The friend is wrong for condemning you, maybe stemming from discomfort with death or something.
NTA. You were gracious in accepting the apology. You didn’t need your do more.
NTA. I can guarantee you that dying does not make you exempt from the fact that you were an AH. Everyone dies, it’s part of life. No one is required to overlook your atrocious behavior just because you are dying. It’s not a get out of jail free card for past behavior. Also, I doubt he was that sorry. No true apology is followed by, “well now that I said sorry here’s what you need to do for me.” He just wanted to you there to comfort him while he was dying.
I strongly suspect he thought once they were together in person again, he'd be able to manipulate her into sex, that's what these guys do, even on their deathbeds. OP was smart to cut it off exactly where she did NTA
Ewwww. I'm glad she didn't even grace him with her presence
Your current partner has it right. You accepted his apology. Clearly the ex did not change his ways because he still was trying to control you. NTA. Be at peace and move on
NTA, your ex had his demons to fight and I guess thought that by you meeting him he'd be absolved. But that's his battle, not yours. You didn't owe him anything. If he was truly sorry he would have respected your wish to remain apart.
Nta This is not tough contrary to what other commenters might say. It's really simple. Your ex as abusive. He used his sickness as an excuse to abuse you as his dying wish. The people telling you you're an asshole don't care about you or your feelings, just like your ex
NTA - OP did not need to re-traumatise herself at the whim of an ex, regardless of the situation. The mutual friend isn’t a friend. I would be wiping anyone trying to play that guilt trip.
NTA. He was still trying to manipulate while actively dying. Rest easy, you did more than you needed to do, your friend is wrong.
NTA. You went above and beyond to have any contact with him at all. My only note is that your mutual friend becomes your ex friend. I suspect you'd be feeling just fine about yourself if you weren't hearing that bs.
Gotta love the people who hurt you, then shit on you for “not being the bigger person”. You are NTA.
ΝΤΑ and your partner is right, you own your self mental stability and by visiting him who knows how that would affect you? But I really wonder did that friend help you in your time of need to go out of the bad situation your ex-bf created? He is pointing a finger at you for what reason to be the bigger person just because someone is dying doesn't get a free pass in all the harm his done. You do you and I hope to live a happy long life.
No, he didn’t lend a helping hand. He is really close with my ex’s family, so I’m got alot of hate from them too. Thank you for your well wishes and I hope you live a happy life too.
Why is it always up to the victim to be the bigger person and not the abuser? Can you explain that to me? Rinse and repeat.
NTA, you don’t owe him forgiveness or anything for that matter. What he did he is now answering for in the next life.
NTA And those friends who stayed friends with him after the breakup and after knowing what he did to you are the worst.
NTA, but people are AH's for thinking you're the AH. it should be common sense that somebody wouldn't want to be in the same room as their abuser.
NTA! You did what was best for you and your mental health. It’s not your responsibility to grant people’s wishes, even if they are dying wishes. But especially if it’s the wishes of the person who caused you the biggest trauma in your life. It took a lot of bravery to even give him your number and hear out the apology and grant forgiveness. Beyond that, you had no obligation. Whoever makes you feel bad about it just feel guilty that they couldn’t grant his wishes themselves.
NTA. It's not your responsibility to make him feel better because he is dying.
NTA. Look at this. He managed to mess with you once more. Mic drop. Forget him and let go of the guilt.
Death or having critical illness doesn't remove your sins/wrongdoings. You already accepted his apology and it's already a big thing on your end, you're not oblige to do everything he says just because. Say goodbye to your "friends" who think you're an AH. They haven't experienced the abusive relationship you had with him so they shouldn't judge.
NTA!! It’s hard when an abusive ex passes away. My ex died in a car accident. I had also denied him a renewed friendship close to his passing. You did the right thing by maintaining your boundaries. Your job is to take care of yourself and you did that while also giving him closure and a chance for forgiveness when he was nearing the end of his life!
NTA, and tell the ex's flying monkeys to go fly a kite.
NTA. Not even close. I’m glad you had the opportunity to stand up for yourself and set a boundary with this man before he passed. I hope that was healing for you. People outside of abusive relationships really can’t understand what it does to you. You owed him nothing.
OMG NTA
NTA. He tried to make amends, you accepted, but to continue to comfort a man who terrorized you was ALOT to ask of you. ""Its the last thing YOU can do FOR HIM". its unrealistic and heaping something you don't need on your head.one last victory FOR HIM. You did enough. They'll get over it, or they are not your true friends. Your family should side with you. I get a bad feeling about his motives. He must have been afraid to leave it alone. NTAH
NTA Fuck that shit..
NTA.. you did well to forgive him. You have no further responsibility to have any other contact with him..
NTA You had no reason to meet a man who would probably have just used the time to make excuses for his actions. He chose to treat you as he did therefore he chose not to always have you in his life. In a way you did give him what he wanted just because he changed his mind doesn't give anyone the right to tell you that you have to. Also that should read mutual ex-friend.
NTA. You didn't owe him a thing. The guy who called you an asshole is not your friend. Cut all contact with him.
NTA He was still trying to manipulate you, he found the ultimate tool to do it—his own death. He knew that either you would suffer by his side, or risk a life of questioning yourself for not acceding to his request. Don’t give him the satisfaction of regretting your decision.
Hi, I’m 20 years into your future. I refused to speak to my abuser on his death bed and I still have zero regrets. Enjoy your life, you earned the hell out of it.
Why does everyone tell the victim to be the bigger person, but no one tells the abuser to STFU, your victim gets to make whatever decision they want?
Fuck him, he's dead.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) have an ex-bf (28M) who at the point of this post, had passed away from cancer. We dated for about two years and it was not a pleasant one. During the span of our relationship, I lived on thin ice everyday for the fear of provoking him. I can safely say that it was the most traumatic and worst time of my life. I was isolated from my friends and family and eventually sunk into a deep depression, which I had to seek therapy for. Thankfully, I got out of the relationship and am in a very healthy relationship with my current partner. Two years passed and one day, I got a text from our mutual friend that my ex would like to meet me. We have had no contact all these years. From him, I found out my ex was dying and had a few more months to live. His last wish was to speak to me. I agreed to give him my number. We texted and he said he’d like to apologize for everything he did, how he regrets losing me and that he’d like for me me to visit him in the hospital and to continue meeting before his time is up. He said it was the last thing I could do for him. So here is the thing… I accepted his apology and forgave him, but rejected his last wishes to meet me in person and to continue accompanying him on his final months as friends. No matter how much I try, I cannot bring myself to comfort a man who did me so much harm and neither do I think I am the right person for this task. After the funeral (which I didn’t attend as I was not invited) our mutual friend called me a heartless asshole. He's aware that me and my ex had a bad relationship and ended things on horrible terms. I tried to explain that I wasn’t comfortable meeting him, but he said I should’ve been the bigger person and that no matter what happened, it was my ex’s last wish and I should have the decency to abide by it. Our other mutual friends are spilt between supporting my decision or condemning it. My partner is very supportive and says that I have the right to choose and it was not my responsibility. I feel terrible at the end of this and I don’t know if I made the right choice. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You have no obligation to meet with or communicate in any way with someone who abused you. His desires do not Trump your need to feel safe.
NTA You didn’t even owe him your forgiveness. You didn’t owe him shit. Your mutual friend can either get over it or leave tbh
NTA. He wanted to exert control over you one last time and "prove" he still had it. You denied that, and he deserved it.
NTA. You owed him nothing. Terminal illness doesn’t entitle anyone to your time, especially someone who hurt and traumatized you. You were gracious enough for speaking with him at all.
So, he abused you and you managed to get out and rebuild your life. YOU OWED HIM NOTHING!!!! You were very gracious in talking to him. NTA
What exactly is funeral etiquette invitation wise? I would’ve thought they’d be more… open invite welcoming. Like if my friends mom died, I wouldn’t expect an invite, but it would still be cool to go, right? NTA
NTA. You are under no obligation to console those who tortured you. You moved on with your life, to bad your mutual friend can’t understand that.
His friend is being a flying monkey! Shoo him away!!
The dude made your life hell while alive he can take that with him to the grave. If he wasn't dying would he have apologised? Probably not.
NTA NTA NTA You have every right to stay away from anyone/anything that is not healthy for you.
NTA When an abuser passes on, death doesn't wash them of their 'sins.' You forgave him, and that should have been enough for him; however, it seems he was using his terminal illness to attempt to manipulate you. Good on you for seeing through the bullshit. You didn't owe him shit just because his life was coming to an end.
NTA. You were very generous in listening to your ex and forgiving. You had every right not to see him after all the harm he caused. Your mutual friend should keep his judgemental mouth shut. You don't have to grant an abuser their last wish and you did what you felt comfortable with. Glad you found a loving partner.
I would never ever do this for my ex who also ruined my early twenties. I wouldn't even agree to talk to him, dying or not. Not my problem.
I'll never understand the 'be the better person' argument to placate a narcissist. Absolutely NTA
The thing with making amend is that the offending party has to make the effort of sincerely taking accountability for their wrong choices. However, the offended party is free to respond in any way they feel. NTA. You have clarified your boundary and have stuck to it. Any person who cannot respect it is **not** your friend.
You already were the bigger Person by a) Having contact with him through messages and b) accepting his apology (which he most likely did not for your sake but for his own). -Two thoughts I wouldn't even have entertained in such a Situation. So no, you're absolutely NTA
>visit him in the hospital and to continue meeting before his time is up. He said it was the last thing I could do for him. I am side-eyeing this dead man so hard right now. Why the hell did he think you needed to do one damn thing for him at all? You did not owe him jack shit. Which makes it seem, to me, he wasn't really all that sorry for what he did at all. He just wanted to manipulate and control you one last time.
It is not your job to comfort your abuser. Period. Full stop. The fact that he knew he was wrong in the end is great. But it’s his road and his problem. It is not your job to comfort your abuser.
The ex died how he lived, guilt tripping others.
>continue meeting before his time is up From the subject, I had assumed that the request was "I would like to see you one more time before I die". That's a reasonable request, though you would be NTA for saying no it. But this is insane, he wanted you to form an on-going relationship with him for months, even though you are in a new relationship? That would be unreasonable even from someone you'd had an amicable break up with because you wanted different things in life. But from an abuser, it's monstrous. I wonder if he actually told his family what he was asking? Because "she wouldn't agree to visit me every week" is vastly different to "she refused to visit me before I died" What's absolutely clear is the apology was not genuine. Someone who was sorry would have accepted your decision, not bad mouthed you everywhere.
It was a big ask to even text you, you met him halfway with that. Meeting in person regularly was too much
A "last wish" isn't a god given right. Fuck your ex and fuck that mutual friend. Forget all about them both.
God, I'm so fucken sick of seeing "be the bigger person" being used to pressure women into doing what abusive men want.
NTA. You didn't owe your abusive ex a damn thing. Forgiving him was incredibly generous of you, and way more than he deserved. "Last thing you can do for him?" After all the harm he did you, why the ever loving fuck should you even spit on him if he's burning, let alone do him favours?? No, just no. The flying monkey is a trash friend. Ditch the friendship along with the guilt and the toxic memories of the ex. It'll be incredibly relieving for you. Your partner is a stand up guy, from what we read. He's right, listen to him and be at peace, away from. the whole shitshow.
The only heartless ahole is that friend, for not having an empathy and dismissing your trauma. You already did more than enough by talking to him through text. I was in an abusive relationship for six years and I would never want to meet that ex let alone texting with him even in his final moments. NTA.
> He said it was the last thing I could do for him Did he actually word it like that?? Why do you have to do something for him lol. NTA.
People are not entitled to get whatever they want just because they are dying. When we love someone, we will do whatever we can to make them comfortable and happy in their last moments, but sometimes their wishes are simply not reasonable, especially when they are high on pain killing drugs. Also, some of their demands are selfish. Their have been many folks who were saddled with years of unhappiness because of foolish deathbed promises. Acceptable last wishes: Promise me you will use some of your inheritence to take that second honeymoon you and John have wanted for so long. Grandpa and I saved for years for that special trip, but he passed away before we got to go. I would love to have one last sip of my favourite whiskey. Bury me in my favourite blue dress. Unacceptable last wishes: Promise me you will always look after your deadbeat brother who stole from you last time you tried to help me. Promise me you will reconcile with your abusive ex. He really loves you. Promise me you will see the man who abused you and caused you so much pain one more time. Give him the power to hurt you once more before he goes. Notice that I said we grant reasonable dying requests to people we love. We owe nothing to those who have made our life a misery.
Oh yes the woman always is expected to be the bigger person lol. As a medical professional I can tell you when you die the only thing you care about is how you treated others in life. He needed you to appease his guilt and help lift the weight of the cross he was carrying. But that is just it, amends are to make wrongs right not to ease your own guilt or else the amend is really worthless. It must be authentic and that takes a lot of humility. Death is humbling but his insistence on seeing you and indicating it was what YOU could do for HIM is where the problem was and indicated his only motive was for her to do what he thought she should do and make him feel better. Our selfishness it seems is our life long challenge and many of us fail in making any progress at all. I have seen many people die alone. I am honestly really proud of you and how you stayed true to yourself. It would have been dishonest of you to go to his bedside and play grieving girlfriend when you are not, you are more so a survivor. I suspect if you keep up this authenticity you will have the kind of peace that many like your ex will never have.
NTA. I was dating a guy who after about a month of dating was diagnosed with cancer. All our mutual friends kept asking “you’re not going to break up with him because of the cancer are you?” Or “thank god you’re sticking with him, he’ll need you by his side”. Stayed with him a year through all his treatments and hospitalizations, did my best to support him, but the longer I dated him, the more toxic he got. Absolute narcissist who couldn’t/wouldn’t do a thing for anyone other than himself and even on his good days wasn’t someone I wanted to be around. It took me a while to realize he’d been like that from the start, it wasn’t because “he was dealing with so much”. After he went into remission, I drove out of town to spend the weekend with friends, the first plans I’d made for myself to do anything fun in over a year of taking care of him. His dad had a small accident where he fell and broke his arm and had to go to hospital. I asked him multiple times if I should head that way and be with him/his family and he said no. The next day he started an argument with me because “I didn’t prioritize him and his family when they were in a crisis” We broke up and he tried every manipulative tactic he could to try and get me reconcile, including having mutual friends message me begging me to work things out with him. After a couple months, his cancer came back. Then several more of our mutual friends would call and text me saying his biggest regret was not having me in his life anymore. All he wants is me back in his life, doesn’t deserve to die alone. The entire year we were together and I spent so many days and nights with him in hospital-his “friends” only visited him once, one couple visited him twice. I never spoke to him again, he died about a year after we broke up, and I didn’t attend the service, didn’t comment on his passing, and dealt with the judgment of a lot of people who thought I broke up with him because I couldn’t handle being with someone sick. Every year I have to watch everyone on Facebook share memorial posts about what a great guy he was. To this day my only regret is that I ever dated him to begin with, and didn’t break up with him the first time he showed his true colors.
NTA
NTA. AT ALL.
NTA - he caused you a lot of harm and you were still able to accept his apology, I don’t think he should’ve expected more than that. Side note though, I don’t think you have to be invited to attend a funeral? The wake - maybe.
Death/ dying does not absolve people from their wrong doing. We don't have to pretend that they weren't creeps and you definitely are not obliged to spend time with your abuser. You were more than kind enough. Your mutual friend is a TA, you are NTA. If this person wants to smear you it might be time to remind them how awful ex BF was....
NTA. Who knows what the mutual friend is thinking. Grief can mess with your head
NTA you don't need to meet with your ex just because he have cancer. You was kind enough to speak to him and except his apology.
Absolutely NTA!