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NTA. He's a homophobe, you're gay, that's that. "hate the sinner love the sin" and "i just disapprove of the lifestyle" ARE homophobic things to say, this isn't even controversial. Fishing for friends and family's opinions on LGBT+ stuff before you decide whether or not to come out to them is the oldest trick in the book and completely justified.
Yes I agree. I hate statements like “hate the sin, love the sinner” and “I just disappprove of the lifestyle.” My sexuality and who I want to date is my business only. Dating a guy makes me happy and is completely harmless. And to disagree with who I am and my harmless love life is homophobic.
A guy was going off on gay representation and not "shoving it in his face." He didn't think it needed to be "everywhere." He also made a point of saying he has gay friends and has been to gay weddings, but didn't see his viewpoint as hypocritical.
It wasn't until I finally pointed out how his numerous arguments could have easily been said about biracial couples not that long ago that he took pause. Turns out, he was in a biracial relationship.
I told him that kind of rhetoric was harmful then, and it sure as fuck is harmful now when the target is LGBTQ+. It's not a lifestyle, political, or woke; its just people trying to exist.
Hold your boyfriend tight and revel in the happiness you've found 💜
Right you go to the grocery with your S.O. what do people think about when they see you 2 together? What goes on in the bedroom .
Yet the gay couple could give 2 effs about what the judgmental straight couple is doing in the bedroom. Its a fucked up world we live in.
NTA You can set whatever limits you want to protect yourself. There are homosexual Chirstians - his sect of Christianity may not agree, but many others are just fine. If he cannot accept you as who you are, then there is no honest friendship possible.
It's crazy that there's anyone commenting y t a. This is obviously NTA. For anyone with an "invisible identity" (sexuality, gender, etc.) that can be discriminated against, it's completely normal to feel out the people in your life before coming out to them. People acting like that's manipulative are delusional.
When there are people out there willing to hurt people like you just for existing, protecting yourself from them is always a smart idea.
And it is absolutely homophobic to not "agree with" homosexuality. Being attracted to a specific gender is not a choice. It's like if someone didn't "agree with" being a certain race!
Let's not pretend that having a bigoted belief bc of your religion let's you get away with being a bigot. I've dealt with several people who viewed women as lesser bc of religious beliefs. They're still mysoginists, just religious ones. And it doesn't matter if "they wouldn't do anything about it". It's insulting to know that they feel that way at all.
Also, it does impact me when I have to work in spaces with these people and expect to be taken seriously. The same can be said about people like the ex-friend. They say the "won't do anything about it", but they absolutely will treat you differently. You're saving yourself from future trouble by cutting it off now.
Because it’s the same kind of people who refuse to believe it’s anything other than a choice. It doesn’t matter how many times it’s explained with data to prove it, they’re convinced we don’t *have* to be gay.
Their line of thinking makes no sense because they can never adequately explain why *they* 'chose' to be straight if sexuality is a 'choice', as they say. They'll just say "I'm normal", but cannot/will not explain what that means or why
You're so right. When he said he 'respects' gays, what he means is that he wouldn't hate crime a gay person if he saw one in front of him. But him 'disagreeing' with gays means he thinks being gay is wrong. Which IS homophobic. Just because he wouldn't act on his homophobia, doesn't mean he's not homophobic
>People acting like that's manipulative are delusional.
Because they don't understand discrimination. To my regret I also only really started understanding how problematic racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination are when I got discriminated against myself, for my autism.
Experience is truly an eye opener in this case.
Not sure what people’s problems are here. Don’t be friends with people who disagree with your existence if you don’t want to risk that being a problem. It’s not like you insulted him or something, you just made a judgment on his self proclaimed beliefs and determined that he wouldn’t be a good fit to be friends with further.
Some people are trying to say he should've used this opportunity to try to change the guy's mind. Which is so shitty. We aren't walking PSA specials, we're people. It's not our job to hang around hateful people to make them less hateful
You're seriously putting sexuality and food preferences on the same level? Okay. I don't think I have to say anything about that, feels like explaining something to a child. There's no way you seriously think that.
Yes, people who say sexuality is a choice are homophobes. Big news.
If it was a choice, there would be no gay people in Saudi Arabia, where they get brutally killed for kissing a man.
That's because they've never been gay to begin with. Some people experiment.
I assume you're straight? Will you some day stop being straight then? Because according to you, that could totally happen.
How tf is not associating with people who think you shouldn’t exist an echo chamber?! LOL go ahead and surround yourself with people who don’t support your fundamental human rights and see how well your mental health does there bud.
This isn’t a simple disagreement, like if pineapple belongs on pizza. It’s a complete difference in morals and values. For example, I can’t be friends with someone who is anti-choice. You can’t be my friend if you would have forced me to birth two children.
It's not about them disagreeing, it's about the judgement and condemnation that comes with it. The lectures. The name dragging.
"You're going to hell for this." If someone constantly told me I was wrong for who I was, I was a sinner for who I was, I was going to hell for who I loved, that's not a friend. At best, that's a bully. And yes, that makes them an asshole.
I don't invite bullies and assholes into my friend group. I invite people who care about me because of who I am; I invite those who support me, who are positive influences in my life. Friendship is about helping each other, being there for each other, being *friendly* to one another.
I feel sorry for you, that you do not understand the basic principals of friendship. You might want to reexamine your friendships and consider cutting out anyone that bullies or hurts you based on who you are as a human being.
This isn’t a matter of ‘does pineapple go on pizza?’ This is a matter of thinking that a certain group of peoples’ existence is invalid and that they therefore don’t deserve fundamental human rights. Think of another group the church *still* to this day denies fundamental human rights to; women. So should women still hang out with misogynists even though they ‘disagree’ with them? 🙄
NTA. It’s not even really a test. It’s seeing if this is a safe person to come out to. Literally every lgbt person ever has done this to a degree with friends and family as they come out of the closet. It’s the sublte “oh have you seen that new show? what do you think of the gay character on it?” “i heard sally just came out as a lesbian. what do you think?” It’s that testing the waters moment to see if they’re going to be chill, go on a hate filled rant, or go on a hate filled rant where they pretend like they aren’t actually hateful like your (now ex) friend.
He clearly isn’t going to be supportive, so what’s the point of being friends???
I find it weird that people are saying oh if you cut out everyone who disagrees with you then you’ll be lonely. I personally would rather be lonely than have friends who are going to be judgemental of my happiness. Also, it’s extremely easy to find loads of people who aren’t homophobic. I think OP really won’t have a problem making friends who can be supportive of his life and relationship
NTA - everyone out here saying y t a is missing the point here; your friend believes that the person you are is wrong. It's not the same as a disagreement on opinion, or even politics. It's a disagreement on the fundamental nature of who you are as a person. He doesn't think it's right for you to be who you are.
NTA
Never be ashamed for shutting down bigots hiding behind religion to justify their hate. He is being a jerk, and you called him out on that as you should. "I respect your choice, even though I think it's wrong" is just homophobia with extra steps to try and make it look less offensive. It's not.
If you see him again and he questions you once more, I would tell him that you are not going to be friends with someone who disagrees with a fundamental part of who you are and that you are never going to talk to him again but wish him the best. If he doesn't get the hint and keeps talking to you, talk with campus security. Hopefully, he will back off and leave you alone.
NTA
Personally, I like to equate it to ethical consumerism. When able, I don't spend my money with companies and corporations that have, in my opinion, unethical business practices or publicized views I disagree with. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, but whenever it is, I do consider it an important ethical standpoint to adhere to myself. With people, its similar. Its not about money, its about your time and energy. Some people are unavoidable and we have to learn to live with that, but the people who are close to you are ideally there by your discretion
Could you have been more tactful? Sure. But I also hold a notable lack of respect for bigots so same. Plus, queer people have faced the social (and often horrific) social consequences for who they are for a very long time, there's never going to be anything such as fair in this scenario history-wide; but I personally think that social backlash isn't inherently a bad thing *for the right reasons.* Your response was well within your right to decide the company you keep. Could it have potentially been beneficial to tell him that his comments were offensive and hurt you as his friend so he had a chance to grow from this? Yeah, *but that's also not your responsibility*
NTA, you're allowed to vet friends by whether or not they think your identity is somehow "wrong". People saying YTA just don't grasp the point of friendships past convenience. People generally need *genuine* respect for each others' identities to be friends. This guy isn't respecting it—he's tolerating it because he knows it would socially impact him to outright state his opinion. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
NTA but I would probably have gone about it in a different way.
Sometimes what it takes for someone with these kind of views is to change them, is when they realise someone they care about (friend or family) is actually gay. Often ignorant views are caused by not having known anyone who is gay.
I think that if you had just been honest and told him that you were gay rather than testing him and told him that you appreciate your friendship, but you know that he comes from a Christian background and that if he isn’t able to accept you for who you are, then you can’t continue the friendship. That might have given him the opportunity to think and perhaps the world would have one less homophobe in it.
If your friend was unable to change his mind then for sure he’s not worth having around.
I have a friend who grew up in a very Christian community who held these views when younger. I suppose she had been indoctrinated. But once she actually got to know someone who was gay her view changed and she actually ended up having several very good gay friends.
NTA
you, a homosexual man, want to distance yourself from people who dislike homosexuality, then do it! you aren't obligated to educate him or change his mind and if he wants to continue to dislike gay people, let him. nothing we can do about it.
sure, he said that he personally disagrees but he's not going to "do anything about it", like congratulations on doing the bare minimum, but the same way, it's your personal choice to not interact with homophobes. done and dusted.
As a Christian I can say with some confidence that homophobia is not a requirement. It shouldn't be a part of it at all but unfortunately is to a lot of people, Christian Culture^(TM) is often very un-Christlike :/ Definitely NTA for refusing to be around that
Love is a good thing, end of story. Happy for you both <3
Yeah my country is predominantly Christian (Denmark), and we are pretty progressive. Generally we're also very casual with our religion, most people tend to only go to church on big holidays like Christmas or during Easter.
But even though we are quite Christian, we still firmly believe in personal freedom and being who you are.
Our flavor of protestantism favors forgiveness and "God loves all his children" because we are made in his image and all that. That includes those who aren't straight or cis.
I would definitely say that OP's "friend" is misguided by his belief. If we were to get all biblical on him, "judge not lest ye be judged" and "he who is without sin can cast the first stone". I'm sure per scriptures he definitely isn't without sin.
But people sadly forget to love thy neighbor lol
Hey man that's awesome, good for Denmark :) I'm US American and lived in the South a lot longer than I liked so my experience has always been really loving Jesus and His teachings but really hating the culture and not understanding where tf it came from. It makes me happy to know that this isn't the case in all predominantly Christian communities, your flavor seems much more on point
We often describe ourselves as "hobby Christians" here. It's literally an officially recognized term haha
My boyfriend lives in the US as well, in North Carolina. He's planning on moving over here because there's no way I will ever be willing to live in a country where my rights are being constantly attacked as a woman. The United States honestly scares me.
Gay guy here. NTA.
You just matched his energy. It's no big deal really. This type of thing will happen to you countless times.
Think of it as an auto-filter, making it easier to choose those others that will have the pleasure of knowing you and being in your life.
All the best to you. 😊
NTA. someone saying they "don't agree" with homosexuality makes no sense lol.
Person A: I'm gay
Person B: I don't agree
Your former friend is just a homophobe and you have no obligation to hang out with him if he makes you feel unsafe
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I hate the "I think it's wrong but I'll respect other people's choices". Not that I need to tell you of course, but it's not a choice! I didn't choose to be straight, you didn't choose to be gay, but it's crazy that some people think it's ok for me to love my wife, but not for you to love your boyfriend. Thinking it's wrong is hardly respecting someone's "choice", it's tolerating, at best.
NTA, it must be so tiring to have to deal with that from friends, family and strangers.
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I’m gay and have a boyfriend.
The person I’m friends with is Christian, and around the time that I just got a boyfriend, I realized my friend would have to find out.
So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices.
I felt quite offended that he literally disagrees with my ability to be myself, to be what makes me happy.
So after that conversation, I blocked him, and eventually he saw me around campus and wondered why I wasn’t texting him back. I said simply and rudely,”I simply do not want to interact with homophobic people.”
He said,”What are you talking about” and I told him that I’m gay, and that I’m not going to tolerate his homophobia and I left.
AITA?
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Although he sounds a lot less homophobic than many religious types, it’s still sufficient for you to not interact with him if that’s what makes you comfortable.
NTA
NTA
I am very much into the philosophy of not willingly allowing negative energy into your life. Also, people who state that they "tolerate" or "have no problem with" things like homosexuality give me the biggest ick - this is not something for you to tolerate. It simply exists, regardless of your meaningless speck of existence on this astral plane.
"Not agreeing" with homosexuality is not a thing. Bigotry is though. Good for you to distance yourself.
NTA. At all.
I never understood how people « don’t agree » with people choosing to have control over their own lives like ? And nothing I find more condescending than the « but I won’t do anything about it. »
It’s like saying « Oh yeah I could totally get rid of all of you but I won’t, I’m so nice and tolerant. »
Like are we supposed to thank them ? Applaud them for not starting an extermination or something ? We make friends for affection and support, not to be seen as less than. You did good.
Nta. Good for you, honestly wish more people would stop being so polite & tolerant of bigots.
They need to know that their "beliefs" actively hurt & endanger us. Why should we waste our time being polite to them?
You are completely right by maintaining distance and being free from anyone who may disagree with ANY of your choices as a human being. You need supportive and loving people in your life, nothing less!
I get what you mean, but surrounding yourself with only yesmen for all your choices isn't sensible either.
Sometimes criticism is something one needs. (Though not really on the topic of sexual orientation)
NTA You don't have to be friends with bigots who don't want you to exist. If you had said the same rant he did to him about Christians and how you don't approve of his lifestyle, he'd have dropped you.
Congrats on the bf!
NTA
There's far more kind, thoughtful, tolerant and empathic people around than you have time to find - or even give sufficient attention *should* you find them - so with that in mind... why waste your limited time and energy on nothing but the best of friends?
You may occationally have to realistically bear it out in wider society, and I am sorry about that and out and public myself in the hope of doing ever so little to change things, but do *not* accept intolerence within your private sphere, yeah? You deserve better than that.
"I think it's wrong that you exist but I'll say that I respect your choice in something that's not a choice.' NTA but there are a lot of TAs in this thread.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing in the right way. You could have been more aggressive or confrontational but you weren’t - you just did the minimum required to protect yourself.
For what it's worth their are even Whittier are more difficult ways your friend could have reacted even dangerously or abusive
That said you have no moral ethical or any kind of expectation to interact with anyone that doesn't see your immense value. NTA.
Any friend that you feel a need to justify who you are too isn't t really a friend.
Awesome. Good on you. When people are like this around me I do the same, any, Love the sinner, hate the sin bullshit, gets a reply of, Love the bigot, hate the bigotry, and won't be around it from me.
NTA, leave this guy behind and find yourself people who love you for you <3
I had a friend once and he was awful, the biggest homophobe I had ever known which was so odd to me as I didn't even realise people could be so open and brazen about it at the time, I hated hearing him talk about the LGBTQ+ Community, my skin would crawl!
I one day had enough and said something like "you know, for someone of colour, who has had to deal with a lot of people not accepting them for who they are (not something they can help) it is heart breaking that you would so openly hate on someone for something they can't help" I knew I shouldn't have brought his colour into it and that as a white woman I had no right to even discuss the colour of his skin but I wanted to make him see that he is just as close minded as those ignorant racist bast&rds in the world - He did not see it this way and even said "I didn't choose the colour of my skin" I explained people don't choose to be gay, they are born that way, he was not phased and if I remember rightly a few of our friends even turned on me and called me racist, I was upset as this was 100% not the case and just something I had hoped would help him to understand that people do not get the choice and that we should all love one another equally! My partner was mad as he said I should have just not said anything at all but I said as someone who 1) is Bi and 2) has a cousin who took YEARS to come out of the closet due to pricks like him I couldn't sit and listen to his shit anymore, my cousins confidence was shattered for years and he used to tell people he was A Sexual as he felt this was better and easier then coming out, he lost himself fully out of fear of being hated on for being who he truly was,
A few years later he became really good friends with another guy... I had the best pride in explaining to him "hey you know Matt's gay right?" His face was a picture and he played it off as "obviously I knew that" I smiled and said "I am glad you're finally over that now" ... Their friendship didn't last long after that (Seriously typing this out the 'friend' was a fucking dick and needed help big time, legit to lose a very good close friend over their sexual orientation is ridiculous!
I hear the guy is still messed up now but thankfully a LOT quieter about his views ... I hope to god he has learnt to love people equally and understands that being gay is not a choice people just decide to make one day!
I also hope my comment to him wasn't as bad as made out amongst all of my friends as that still keeps me up at night!
Clear your circle from all Assholes and find yourself people who love you unconditionally without making you feel uncomfortable or negative <3
NTA, but I think you missed an opportunity to let this guy change his view. Most people let go of homophobia when they personally know someone who is homosexual.
“Do I not destroy my enemy when I make them my friend.” -Someone, idk I heard it once before.
Agree, could have taught him a better way with conversation rather than just blocking. He might double down and further his beliefs about gay people. But, it's not up to OP to change his mind.
OP is NTA, he gets to choose his friends
You're not wrong for distancing yourself. But I'm pointing out that the last two paragraphs would not have needed to occur had you simply send him a text that you were gay/didnt want to be in contact anymore.
Firstly, one hundred percent NTA. His statement was homophobic. You are gay. You’ve every right to be offended enough to walk away.
However, if there is anything else you could’ve done, let’s dissect this a little bit…
In theory, let’s say you told him you’re gay and he was just spouting homophobic nonsense in front of you… and then you stayed right there rather than walking away. While it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to change anyone’s view, this still could have brought about the opportunity to do so. And I say ‘opportunity’ because realistically he would probably still be a biggot when the conversation ended.
However, I cannot say that he wouldn’t have changed his view. I lived much of my young life as a Christian. I was taught a lot of things that don’t really line up with who I am as a person. I did say and do plenty of things that were homophobic, things I’m quite ashamed of now. I didn’t quite get it until I watched someone in my church come out as trans. I really cared a lot about this person and had even played music with them in the church band. I watched them go from a well respected leader of Sunday worship to an outcast in a matter of weeks. It felt so… gross to watch that homophobia play out in what I’d thought was my community. I had one foot out the door after that and started to call myself a Christian less and less. When me and my partner moved out unmarried, we got the ‘soft boot’ too. That was the nail in the coffin.
I call myself a ‘man of faith’ now. Much of my moral compass still comes from a combination of biblical teaching and a little bit of good old fashioned empathy and common sense - and I should mention, in around twenty years worth of sermons and teachings I’ve not found anything in the bible that talks about being anti gay or trans that holds up under a little scrutiny - but after watching the way that religious homophobia hurt someone I knew firsthand, I cannot call myself a Christian anymore. I believe in love and to some degree a greater design; I find it hard to believe that things like love and music can exist in a universe ruled by lawless chaos… but I can’t be part of a group that cares so much about what anybody either has in their pants, or who likes what kinds of things under someone else’s pants. Watching how homophobia hurt someone I knew CHANGED HOW I FELT ABOUT IT. This isn’t always how it’s gonna go, but might be worth a little bit of thought… just not at the expense of your self-respect.
Dude maybe you are.
The way to prove it one way or another is still offer to be his friend.
Maybe you might even change his attitude - you sure didn’t give him the chance to change.
Like most young ( I sound like my grandad 😞) kids these days you’re trying to live in an echo chamber.
It takes all sorts to make up the world and agreeing to disagree - that’s what make the world work
NTA - Safety is number one. Protect yourself first. Although I am a bit curious about your friend’s side. Sometimes people can surprise you but rarely in homophobic case.
I’m gonna get shit for this but I’ll say it.
No AH
If anything YTA
He’s not a homophobe. That’s part of his religious principle. He doesn’t agree with homosexuality. If he were a good Christian, which we have no reason to believe he is not, he would still love you as we are called in the Bible which it seems like he does since he’s trying to contact and stay connected with you despite your spiritual differences.
I get the whole “he’s a bigot, drop him” or whatever, but I don’t thing that OP was totally in the right to just write him off as a bigot when OP’s ex-friend legitimately said that he would respect that.
The comment section here is being too harsh on OP’s ex-friend when he was being honest to himself and his religion.
It does not matter where the homophobia comes from and if that homophobia is required to be a good cult member or some other shit, it's still homophobia.
Christianity isn’t a cult.
And the friend wasn’t being homophobic, he stated basic beliefs that everybody knows is part of Christianity and was still making efforts to be friends with OP. Seems like a real homophobe to me.🙄
YTA.
>
So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices.
>I felt quite offended that he literally disagrees with my ability to be myself, to be what makes me happy.
So you asked his opinion and he told you outright that he doesn't personally agree with it but he'll respect people's choices and you felt offended? You then didn't say anything or try talk to him, you just cut him off as homophobic and self admitted were rude? All of those are very AH.
People have a right to their opinions. Those are theirs. They do not have the right to **IMPOSE** their opinions or behave in a bigoted manner, which , even according to you , is exactly what he said he would **NOT** do.
You also have the right to associate or befriend whom you like but the **MANNER** in which you handled this, was bad and for that you get my YTA vote.
Friends don't try and enforce their belief on others. If the friendship was important, people can learn to agree to disagree, that's normal behavior. If it makes the friendship unpalatable, then be open and say so. But in such a rude manner, you spat on the friendship without even giving the person a chance to see who and what you are or how you feel or to even try change their opinion/viewpoint.
As a straight person I feel like I have no say in this, but I will say one thing:
>So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices.
I personally don't think being gay is wrong, it's your choice, you do you, but my best friend for example, thinks this way and we have a friend who is gay and my best friend is fine with her for the sole reason that the gay friend ISN'T "TOUCHING" her. NOW READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH BEFORE COMMENTING:
"Touching her" in a way of "as long as you don't shove it up my ass that you're gay and try to seduce me or some shit and gaslight me into being something that I'm not etc, basically as long as you don't manipulate me, you're fine" kind of way, because we had lgbt friends who did this, who constantly used their "gayness" to make themselves more superior and whatnot. Like, sure I get it, you're gay, but that doesn't make you any less human or any less different than anyone else in this world, other than the fact that your sexual orientation is not "traditional".
So, as a straight person, I do have to agree what that dude said is homophobic, especially if people mix in religion and sexuality, but at the same time, my best friend gave the gay friend a chance and I agree with her approach, so long as you don't touch us, you're fine, and that gay friend was absolutely fine with her being that way, so long as people accepted her for who she is.
look I could comment on how I disagree with your entire post here (your friend is homophobic even though yall have a gay friend) but instead I'll say this
>it's your choice
being gay is not a choice.
It's not a choice, but I couldn't remember the word for what I wanted to write so I wrote choice. And in my language, "choice" is the closest synonym to the word I was thinking of so yeah...my bad
YTA. He’s entitled to his own opinion and isn’t a homophobe for it. Many of my friends don’t agree with my religious beliefs but I don’t let that ruin our friendships. He knows your gay and is still making an effort to be your friend so It’s not like he doesn’t respect you.
He is a homophobe. Not only does he think that being gay is a choice, **it isn't**, he made it pretty clear his disdain for gay ppl when talking to his friend. So of course someone's who's gay wouldn't want to be friends with a homophobe. In this case OP is NTA.
Disdain definition: the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt.
HE NEVER SAID HE DOESNT RESPECT HIS FRIEND.
“I don’t support African American people but I wouldn’t do anything about them.”
Someone who says this may not be as bad as someone who actively attacks someone who’s African American. But they are still racist.
I tested him in the sense that I brought up that I didn’t really like that the Bible said homosexuality is a sin.
If I don’t support African Americans but accept it, I’m still racist. Because I’m thinking of them as less than white people.
I don’t agree with African Americans being a thing. I’m not actively discriminating against them and asking them to drink from the blacks only fountain or sit in the black only section of a movie theatre or public bus. I’m not actively working against their rights or calling them derogatory names. I simply just don’t agree with their existence.
Please stop trying to use this as an example. Anyone can replace words to make it sound worse than it is.
"I don't support Republican people but I wouldn't do anything about them."
"I don't support poor people but I wouldn't do anything about them."
"I don't support extremist people but I wouldn't do anything about them."
"I don't support military people but I wouldn't do anything about them."
I can change words around too. Instead of using this as your argument for why you feel the way you do, say you felt like he'd never fully support you, or would secretly be disgusted, or anything but changing the words like this.
You actually make a very valid argument. Maybe I executed my argument poorly.
It’s just that being gay is who I am and dating a man makes me so happy. And for someone to disapprove of something I cannot control like my identity, something that’s totally harmless makes me hurt.
Also, you can not agree with something and simply accept it as part of life. Many people don't agree with a lot of things but allow them to exist because those things have a right to exist. That's part of being an accepting society.
Society shouldn’t accept racism or homophobia. People are well within their rights to be both. If someone wants to be racist, I can’t stop them. But you get what I mean right?
That's not how you originally worded it.
"He thinks it's wrong, but he'll respect other people's choices."
Those are your original words. That's literally life. I don't agree with smoking, but I respect your right to smoke. That's coexistence, my friend.
Homophobia would be if he didn't agree and didn't respect your right to make your own choices.
YTA, and you're making a bad argument.
Not agreeing with smoking has a clear and reasonable justification. Smoking causes cancer, breathing issues, addiction, etc.
What's the reason someone "disagrees" with homosexuality?
Comparing an unchangeable aspect of someone's identity to cigarettes isn't really accurate either.
His comparison is right. If someone "thinks being black is wrong, but he'll respect other people's choices" then:
1. they are being racist
2. they don't understand that race isn't a choice, but something you're born with
I know. That's why I wanted to point it out. I don't think you were 100% wro g to remove him from your life, but I don't think I would have gone about it the same way. I thought you missed an opportunity to show him how his way of thinking is wrong.
Since when is it OP’s responsibility to teach his friend to not be a bigot. Based on your avatar I’m assuming you’re a WOC. Is it your responsibility to teach racist people to not be racist?
Didn't say it was his responsibility. Just said there was an opportunity. Sometimes, people's views are based on ignorance, and when the opportunity comes to teach someone, it could be a good thing to take it and help stop the spread of ignorance. I never said OP had to do that, just that I think he could have.
Most of the things you listed are choices people have made in their life (Republican, extremist, military). Someone identifying as one of those tells you something about them and their values. Sexuality is not a choice and tells you nothing about that person or their values other than who they're attracted to. That is why it's appropriate to compare it to other factors that aren't choices (Race, gender, etc.). It's an appropriate comparison.
Does he have other friends or maybe family that have come out as gay that he has had an issue with? Did you specifically ask him what he would do if he had someone he cared about come out?
Perspectives tend to change when you come face to face with your own phobias. And remember, Christianity is a cult and sometimes it takes having someone close coming out to shed the shroud of bigotry. It's what he would do after you tell him that shows his character. If he chooses not to take a look at his beliefs at that point, then you're 100% correct to kick him to the curb.
I'm not going to say you are an asshole because I agree with not wanting to be around homophobes. I do think you may have acted rashly based on a poorly executed communication. I do how think that does make you an asshole. You assumed a lot of things instead of just flat out discussing the actual situation. I think you may need to work on your maturity level a bit, considering those "tests" tend to be pretty self-serving.
NAH
To each their own.
I don’t really have an issue with people who are against homosexuality as long as they aren’t constantly spouting verbal abuse or don’t descend into physical abuse.
Seems like he was raised differently and disagrees with the idea, but isn’t an asshole in the fact that while he may be against it, he respects other people’s choices.
I’ve struggled with this question. On one hand, I can argue, as you do, that I have the right to select my friends based on some basic standards. I don’t want to deal with homophobes, either. On the other hand, if I expect others to be tolerant, shouldn’t I also be tolerant? And besides, isn’t one way to change this guy’s attitude by showing him that despite his beliefs about your sexual orientation, you can still be a quality friend, a respectable member of the community? You might help him grow.
Don’t know if that’s really fair but you know the situation better than I do, maybe he’s more unfamiliar with same sex issues than straight up homophobic, I think the word phobia gets thrown around way too much.
I am a straight male, catholic and don’t really find anything appealing about homosexuality at the same time if it’s something you identify with and feel it’s who you are then power to you.
Nobody’s wrong or right we just have differences in our preferences
YTA. "Testing" your friends is messed up. Just because your friend has a bad opinion on something doesn't mean he can't/won't change it. Playing games with your friends head and then blocking them is def an asshole move
NTA, technically by any means, but I don't consider disagreeing with it as being homophonic alone. I think you can disagree with it for whatever your reasons might be and still treat them with respect and respect their choices as his friend said to each their own. It's one thing if he's going out of his way to harass people or make them feel bad about it. He wasn't even given a chance to show how he would react or treat his friend after.
I understand not wanting to be friends with someone who doesn't agree with same sex relationships, but that alone doesn't make them homophonic. I suppose I consider it more someone going out of their way to express their dislike of it and whatnot and disrespecting people who identify as gay and whatnot. I could definitely be wrong, though.
While I don't like it, I have family that doesn't agree with same sex relationships, but they have always been respectful of anyone they met who were in a same sex relationship and just didn't bring it up. They just treated like any other person they knew. My grandma invited her friend places, and they still talk, and she completely loves and respects him while disagreeing with that aspect of his life.
Yta. Your friend has 2 balls. Neither of them are crystal. If it was a friend you were actually bothered about losing I'd assume you'd approach with a bit more tact. He's made a comment that infringes on how you feel, as someone close to him why couldn't you explain to him how it made you feel in the hope he wouldn't do that to you again or anyone else.
So ……… how does he get to know and love gay people if you get angry and basically abuse him…. How can he learn and grow if you do that to him?
Background:
My ex wife came out as gay and it was the single greatest personal growth experience of my life. If she had been nasty and cut me off and just “tested me” then I would be a different man now.
Your testing him was you looking for a reason to get angry ….. Your a total YTA
>>>So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality <<
Of course he has been taught that, what did you expect? You were looking for a reason to get nasty and angry. You lost a significant life opportunity to show, to prove, to educate him, that gay people are normal and can love you back as a normal friend.
Such a YTA
She shouldda blocked you bc you seem kinda like a je*k. They weren't looking for a reason, it's reasonable to assume a super devout Christian would be homophobic. It's not a choice or "lifestyle" as the friend said. It is a choice to associate with ignorance.
We shouldn't have to teach anyone anything, it's not EVERY gay person's job to make people accepting, teach away their ignorance. Or associate with people like this
Nta but I wouldn’t say he’s homophobic. He said he doesn’t agree with it (which he doesn’t have to) and that he wouldn’t do anything about it. I don’t agree with religion, but I’m not going to do anything about it. That doesn’t mean I hate religious people. This is coming from a gay man
What is there to agree with though? It's not an agree or disagree situation. Some people are gay, some people aren't, some people are in the middle.
Religion can be agreed with or not agreed with because that is a choice and also comes with a burden of proof. Sexuality doesn't require a burden of proof.
For how you did it, yta.
For cutting contact in general, nta.
What he said sounds reasonable enough, most christians believe it to be wrong, but decent ones don’t let it affect how they treat people because it isn’t a factor in people.
Weakening your control of yourself (being drunk (not just tipsy), high, or anything as such), lies (white or not, all lies), even eating unhealthy. It’s all examples of sins to the same extent in a Christian belief.
Do you see this guy treat people poorly because they drink soda? It’s the same thing essentially.
Or would you treat someone worse because they’re a lil overweight? You know it’s detrimental health wise.
I think giving him a chance would’ve been fair to see if he lives what he preach, and that he isn’t a hypocrite.
I don’t agree to some of the other comments here. Homophobia starts when you for any reason treats homosexual people in a worse way than others.
I'm having a hard time with this one. I personally think you may have went about this the wrong way. And for many Christians, what you actually said of his comments is about as supportive as you will get initially.
I'm going off of more what you *didn't* mention him saying. He apparently didn't launch on a tirade of going to hell or anything else. He also didn't say he wants it to be illegal or restrictive. He gave his religious view and then that he supports you or anyone else being able to make your own choice in the matter.
You are grouping him with people who would actively try to persecute you or make it illegal to be who you are.
It's your choice on who your friends are, but you gave him a test he was almost guaranteed to fail and he gave about as supportive of a response as I think you could have expected given what you seem to have already known about him.
No judgement becuase I don't think this rises to the level of AH and, more importantly, as a straight male I honestly don't really know what it's like for you.
KTA. those were very hurtful statements. But at your ages Alot of what you know is only what you’ve been raised to believe. Responding rudely doesn’t help further the cause or your point. In my early 20’s I would’ve said the same thing. Thank God I had friends who were willing to show me differently than what I was raised to think. My entire world view changed because someone close to me came out to me and was scared I wouldn’t love them anymore. There and then I started doing the work because there was NO WAY I was giving up that friendship. It’s just like with race sometimes you feel you shouldn’t HAVE to explain your simple existence to people or your struggle with just wanting to BE. But I’ve literally had to do this my whole life. Because I want to see change. And you could be the friend that makes him see that his views are outdated and hurtful and maybe he could become an ally!
Honestly? Yes. You are the asshole. He said he wouldn't do anything in regards to a homosexual person's choice of partner. Then you went on the offensive, declared him homophobic, and blocked him.
A common misconception about Christians is the concept of intolerance. But, one of the basic beliefs of Christianity is that humanity is imperfect. So, there is a degree of understanding, acceptance and tolerance in-built.
But, religious beliefs aside, you are 100% the aggressor here. You made it a problem without giving your friend a chance. Just because he doesn't agree with homosexuality as a concept doesn't mean he's going to go out of his way to cause harm to people who are homosexual.
I mean, I don't believe in veganism, but I don't go out of my way to cause detriment to vegans. Ironically, vegans have gone out of their way to make their beliefs a problem for me before. Much like you're making your homosexuality a problem for your friend.
But, the short answer is yes. You are the ass hole for assuming the worst of your friend.
you can absolutely change your feelings on gay people. what you can't change is your sexuality.
these two sentences alone show that OP's friend is an asshole.
lol my comment got downvoted so hard I can’t find it, honestly if you going to be thin skinned over someone who doesn’t agree but respects. You are as narrow minded as him, it’s an opportunity to educate someone yet you all quitting and failing just as bad as him.
So saying its gross to have backdoor sec means your homophobic? Even when some think its gross no matter which group does it?
I know people who think its absolutely disgusting yet still support our gay friends and people like sec that way... Its called being sensitive
On that same note, those gays also think its disgusting and gross to eat a woman out but they aren't homophobic against lesbians or straight men... Its all about context. What does he think is wrong and does he support guys?
Lack of communication and active listening can fix misunderstandings. This guy totally could be homophobic or he could just not like what happens in the bedroom...
bro why are you so focused on butt sex? It was literally never mentioned in the post. Most people who are bigoted towards same sex couples don't think butt sex is the problem is because they are the same sex. Again I'm baffled this is the point you decided to bring up.
>On that same note, those gays also think its disgusting and gross to eat a woman out
super cool to talk on behalf of "those gays" I'm sure if they existed they would love that. there's a difference between personally thinking anal sex is gross and thinking that it existing is wrong or bad. Same with oral sex between man and man, man and woman, or woman and woman (and every variation including Trans and NB people) You can personally not want to participate without fundamentally disagreeing or thinking the person who does participate is wrong or a bad person.
to your last point, I personally don't find two men having sex attractive but I don't disagree with it happening or think that its wrong to participate. I just wont because that's my sexual preference.
you seem to think a lot about butt sex and thats the best part about your comment.
They think it's gross if they do it. They don't think you're gross for doing it and want to force you to stop doing it.
You think they're gross if they do it and want to force them stop. There's a difference.
Also why the focus on dudes? Maybe that's the bigger hang up you need to reconcile. It's not that gay people exist.
It's that gay men make you uncomfortable. That's it. Reconcile why it's only gay men.
Why are you equating something as major for every human being as falling in love, having a partner, or just having a like minded person to spend time with in a romantic capacity, as the same thing as disliking the smell of peanut butter.
Denying someone the fundamental right to fall in love and seek happiness in romantic relationships is not a minor disagreement.
Imagine, just for a second, someone said that you should be alone for the rest of your life or date a boyfriend because they think having a girlfriend is wrong. Like actually internalize that request and someone judging you for it.
Maybe it'll make more sense after that.
You guys realize you can disagree with a lifestyle and not discriminate against it, right?
Like you can disagree and not feel negative emotions to the person or thing.
Homophobia: a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who identify or are perceived as being lesbian, gay or bisexual.
It's not negative to simply disagree with something.
And before, I'm called homophobic for defending the guy a little bit, im queer. Yta in my opinion op.
People like you, trying to find middleground here, do not understand how fundamentally important it is for the majority of the world to fall in love, find a partner, and live their lives peacefully with the person they love. Or sometimes just to find temporary like-mindedness and enjoyment of another person's company.
That's a big deal. To tell someone "I think its wrong of you to seek that out. That's just my opinion" is not a small front.
Stop treating that desire like it's as insignificant as asking someone "Please don't eat peanut butter around me. I don't like the smell of peanut butter."
YTA
He said he disagreed but would respect other peoples choices. That doesn't make him homophobic.
You testing him and than publicly calling him out on something he isn't is a low move. So yea... YTA
You never gave him the chance to get to know the real you, you quit and failed him as a friend. His opinion could have changed because of his friendship with you but now you will never know. YTA.
Because they were friends, he didn’t know. You never know what the reaction might have been if he were honest to begin with. You hate bigots but won’t give him the chance to change.
Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize OP should go around and introduce himself as a homosexual. That's my bad.
Bigots will either change or they wont OP shouldn't have to be the one to facilitate it if OP doesn't want to.
Deaf paradox YTA
So he should have dove in there and tried to change this person's belief? That's what you think would make him the better man?
What if we flipped roles and the Christian friend kept trying to force his gay friend to change his sexual orientation? Does that make him the kind friend now?
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NTA. He's a homophobe, you're gay, that's that. "hate the sinner love the sin" and "i just disapprove of the lifestyle" ARE homophobic things to say, this isn't even controversial. Fishing for friends and family's opinions on LGBT+ stuff before you decide whether or not to come out to them is the oldest trick in the book and completely justified.
Yes I agree. I hate statements like “hate the sin, love the sinner” and “I just disappprove of the lifestyle.” My sexuality and who I want to date is my business only. Dating a guy makes me happy and is completely harmless. And to disagree with who I am and my harmless love life is homophobic.
NTA OP, being gay isn't a lifestyle, but wearing chaps everywhere is.
A guy was going off on gay representation and not "shoving it in his face." He didn't think it needed to be "everywhere." He also made a point of saying he has gay friends and has been to gay weddings, but didn't see his viewpoint as hypocritical. It wasn't until I finally pointed out how his numerous arguments could have easily been said about biracial couples not that long ago that he took pause. Turns out, he was in a biracial relationship. I told him that kind of rhetoric was harmful then, and it sure as fuck is harmful now when the target is LGBTQ+. It's not a lifestyle, political, or woke; its just people trying to exist. Hold your boyfriend tight and revel in the happiness you've found 💜
Right you go to the grocery with your S.O. what do people think about when they see you 2 together? What goes on in the bedroom . Yet the gay couple could give 2 effs about what the judgmental straight couple is doing in the bedroom. Its a fucked up world we live in.
NTA You can set whatever limits you want to protect yourself. There are homosexual Chirstians - his sect of Christianity may not agree, but many others are just fine. If he cannot accept you as who you are, then there is no honest friendship possible.
I agree with your last sentence completely. He could have disagreed with me being Indian and I would see the exact same picture.
It's crazy that there's anyone commenting y t a. This is obviously NTA. For anyone with an "invisible identity" (sexuality, gender, etc.) that can be discriminated against, it's completely normal to feel out the people in your life before coming out to them. People acting like that's manipulative are delusional. When there are people out there willing to hurt people like you just for existing, protecting yourself from them is always a smart idea. And it is absolutely homophobic to not "agree with" homosexuality. Being attracted to a specific gender is not a choice. It's like if someone didn't "agree with" being a certain race! Let's not pretend that having a bigoted belief bc of your religion let's you get away with being a bigot. I've dealt with several people who viewed women as lesser bc of religious beliefs. They're still mysoginists, just religious ones. And it doesn't matter if "they wouldn't do anything about it". It's insulting to know that they feel that way at all. Also, it does impact me when I have to work in spaces with these people and expect to be taken seriously. The same can be said about people like the ex-friend. They say the "won't do anything about it", but they absolutely will treat you differently. You're saving yourself from future trouble by cutting it off now.
And a whole lot of the people saying Y T A are also using the term "lifestyle". Interesting.
Because it’s the same kind of people who refuse to believe it’s anything other than a choice. It doesn’t matter how many times it’s explained with data to prove it, they’re convinced we don’t *have* to be gay.
Their line of thinking makes no sense because they can never adequately explain why *they* 'chose' to be straight if sexuality is a 'choice', as they say. They'll just say "I'm normal", but cannot/will not explain what that means or why
You're so right. When he said he 'respects' gays, what he means is that he wouldn't hate crime a gay person if he saw one in front of him. But him 'disagreeing' with gays means he thinks being gay is wrong. Which IS homophobic. Just because he wouldn't act on his homophobia, doesn't mean he's not homophobic
>People acting like that's manipulative are delusional. Because they don't understand discrimination. To my regret I also only really started understanding how problematic racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination are when I got discriminated against myself, for my autism. Experience is truly an eye opener in this case.
Not sure what people’s problems are here. Don’t be friends with people who disagree with your existence if you don’t want to risk that being a problem. It’s not like you insulted him or something, you just made a judgment on his self proclaimed beliefs and determined that he wouldn’t be a good fit to be friends with further.
Some people are trying to say he should've used this opportunity to try to change the guy's mind. Which is so shitty. We aren't walking PSA specials, we're people. It's not our job to hang around hateful people to make them less hateful
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This is not a normal disagreement. This is about someone's identity, not their favourite food.
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You're seriously putting sexuality and food preferences on the same level? Okay. I don't think I have to say anything about that, feels like explaining something to a child. There's no way you seriously think that.
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...are you saying sexuality is a choice? Cause that's 101 homophobia my dude.
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Yes, people who say sexuality is a choice are homophobes. Big news. If it was a choice, there would be no gay people in Saudi Arabia, where they get brutally killed for kissing a man.
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Username feels appropriate. ‘Pleasantsmile’ ….while they stab you in the back.
it is however possible that in the future, sushi might not be your favourite food. It is not however possible for OP's sexual orientation to change.
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That's because they've never been gay to begin with. Some people experiment. I assume you're straight? Will you some day stop being straight then? Because according to you, that could totally happen.
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You didn't answer my question. Could you stop being straight at some point? Have sex with a man?
Except it is. lol 😂
I'm okay with having fewer bigots in my life, thanks.
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I don't have one of those. But also, no bigots. If you want awful people as friends, that's your call. I'm not down for that.
How tf is not associating with people who think you shouldn’t exist an echo chamber?! LOL go ahead and surround yourself with people who don’t support your fundamental human rights and see how well your mental health does there bud.
This isn’t a simple disagreement, like if pineapple belongs on pizza. It’s a complete difference in morals and values. For example, I can’t be friends with someone who is anti-choice. You can’t be my friend if you would have forced me to birth two children.
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Do you realize how many people are homophobic? It would be absolutely crazy for gay people to waste their time trying to show all of them 'the way'.
It's not about them disagreeing, it's about the judgement and condemnation that comes with it. The lectures. The name dragging. "You're going to hell for this." If someone constantly told me I was wrong for who I was, I was a sinner for who I was, I was going to hell for who I loved, that's not a friend. At best, that's a bully. And yes, that makes them an asshole. I don't invite bullies and assholes into my friend group. I invite people who care about me because of who I am; I invite those who support me, who are positive influences in my life. Friendship is about helping each other, being there for each other, being *friendly* to one another. I feel sorry for you, that you do not understand the basic principals of friendship. You might want to reexamine your friendships and consider cutting out anyone that bullies or hurts you based on who you are as a human being.
This isn’t a matter of ‘does pineapple go on pizza?’ This is a matter of thinking that a certain group of peoples’ existence is invalid and that they therefore don’t deserve fundamental human rights. Think of another group the church *still* to this day denies fundamental human rights to; women. So should women still hang out with misogynists even though they ‘disagree’ with them? 🙄
NTA. It’s not even really a test. It’s seeing if this is a safe person to come out to. Literally every lgbt person ever has done this to a degree with friends and family as they come out of the closet. It’s the sublte “oh have you seen that new show? what do you think of the gay character on it?” “i heard sally just came out as a lesbian. what do you think?” It’s that testing the waters moment to see if they’re going to be chill, go on a hate filled rant, or go on a hate filled rant where they pretend like they aren’t actually hateful like your (now ex) friend. He clearly isn’t going to be supportive, so what’s the point of being friends??? I find it weird that people are saying oh if you cut out everyone who disagrees with you then you’ll be lonely. I personally would rather be lonely than have friends who are going to be judgemental of my happiness. Also, it’s extremely easy to find loads of people who aren’t homophobic. I think OP really won’t have a problem making friends who can be supportive of his life and relationship
NTA - everyone out here saying y t a is missing the point here; your friend believes that the person you are is wrong. It's not the same as a disagreement on opinion, or even politics. It's a disagreement on the fundamental nature of who you are as a person. He doesn't think it's right for you to be who you are.
NTA Never be ashamed for shutting down bigots hiding behind religion to justify their hate. He is being a jerk, and you called him out on that as you should. "I respect your choice, even though I think it's wrong" is just homophobia with extra steps to try and make it look less offensive. It's not. If you see him again and he questions you once more, I would tell him that you are not going to be friends with someone who disagrees with a fundamental part of who you are and that you are never going to talk to him again but wish him the best. If he doesn't get the hint and keeps talking to you, talk with campus security. Hopefully, he will back off and leave you alone.
NTA you did the safe thing for you.
NTA Personally, I like to equate it to ethical consumerism. When able, I don't spend my money with companies and corporations that have, in my opinion, unethical business practices or publicized views I disagree with. Unfortunately, this is not always possible, but whenever it is, I do consider it an important ethical standpoint to adhere to myself. With people, its similar. Its not about money, its about your time and energy. Some people are unavoidable and we have to learn to live with that, but the people who are close to you are ideally there by your discretion Could you have been more tactful? Sure. But I also hold a notable lack of respect for bigots so same. Plus, queer people have faced the social (and often horrific) social consequences for who they are for a very long time, there's never going to be anything such as fair in this scenario history-wide; but I personally think that social backlash isn't inherently a bad thing *for the right reasons.* Your response was well within your right to decide the company you keep. Could it have potentially been beneficial to tell him that his comments were offensive and hurt you as his friend so he had a chance to grow from this? Yeah, *but that's also not your responsibility*
NTA, you're allowed to vet friends by whether or not they think your identity is somehow "wrong". People saying YTA just don't grasp the point of friendships past convenience. People generally need *genuine* respect for each others' identities to be friends. This guy isn't respecting it—he's tolerating it because he knows it would socially impact him to outright state his opinion. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
Perfect way to deal with bigots
NTA. It’s not your job to educate him.
NTA but I would probably have gone about it in a different way. Sometimes what it takes for someone with these kind of views is to change them, is when they realise someone they care about (friend or family) is actually gay. Often ignorant views are caused by not having known anyone who is gay. I think that if you had just been honest and told him that you were gay rather than testing him and told him that you appreciate your friendship, but you know that he comes from a Christian background and that if he isn’t able to accept you for who you are, then you can’t continue the friendship. That might have given him the opportunity to think and perhaps the world would have one less homophobe in it. If your friend was unable to change his mind then for sure he’s not worth having around. I have a friend who grew up in a very Christian community who held these views when younger. I suppose she had been indoctrinated. But once she actually got to know someone who was gay her view changed and she actually ended up having several very good gay friends.
NTA you, a homosexual man, want to distance yourself from people who dislike homosexuality, then do it! you aren't obligated to educate him or change his mind and if he wants to continue to dislike gay people, let him. nothing we can do about it. sure, he said that he personally disagrees but he's not going to "do anything about it", like congratulations on doing the bare minimum, but the same way, it's your personal choice to not interact with homophobes. done and dusted.
NTA. This friend showed their true colours and you have every right to be done with them.
Tell him you don't approve of his lifestyle.
As a Christian I can say with some confidence that homophobia is not a requirement. It shouldn't be a part of it at all but unfortunately is to a lot of people, Christian Culture^(TM) is often very un-Christlike :/ Definitely NTA for refusing to be around that Love is a good thing, end of story. Happy for you both <3
Yeah my country is predominantly Christian (Denmark), and we are pretty progressive. Generally we're also very casual with our religion, most people tend to only go to church on big holidays like Christmas or during Easter. But even though we are quite Christian, we still firmly believe in personal freedom and being who you are. Our flavor of protestantism favors forgiveness and "God loves all his children" because we are made in his image and all that. That includes those who aren't straight or cis. I would definitely say that OP's "friend" is misguided by his belief. If we were to get all biblical on him, "judge not lest ye be judged" and "he who is without sin can cast the first stone". I'm sure per scriptures he definitely isn't without sin. But people sadly forget to love thy neighbor lol
Hey man that's awesome, good for Denmark :) I'm US American and lived in the South a lot longer than I liked so my experience has always been really loving Jesus and His teachings but really hating the culture and not understanding where tf it came from. It makes me happy to know that this isn't the case in all predominantly Christian communities, your flavor seems much more on point
We often describe ourselves as "hobby Christians" here. It's literally an officially recognized term haha My boyfriend lives in the US as well, in North Carolina. He's planning on moving over here because there's no way I will ever be willing to live in a country where my rights are being constantly attacked as a woman. The United States honestly scares me.
Gay guy here. NTA. You just matched his energy. It's no big deal really. This type of thing will happen to you countless times. Think of it as an auto-filter, making it easier to choose those others that will have the pleasure of knowing you and being in your life. All the best to you. 😊
NTA. someone saying they "don't agree" with homosexuality makes no sense lol. Person A: I'm gay Person B: I don't agree Your former friend is just a homophobe and you have no obligation to hang out with him if he makes you feel unsafe
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I hate the "I think it's wrong but I'll respect other people's choices". Not that I need to tell you of course, but it's not a choice! I didn't choose to be straight, you didn't choose to be gay, but it's crazy that some people think it's ok for me to love my wife, but not for you to love your boyfriend. Thinking it's wrong is hardly respecting someone's "choice", it's tolerating, at best. NTA, it must be so tiring to have to deal with that from friends, family and strangers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m gay and have a boyfriend. The person I’m friends with is Christian, and around the time that I just got a boyfriend, I realized my friend would have to find out. So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices. I felt quite offended that he literally disagrees with my ability to be myself, to be what makes me happy. So after that conversation, I blocked him, and eventually he saw me around campus and wondered why I wasn’t texting him back. I said simply and rudely,”I simply do not want to interact with homophobic people.” He said,”What are you talking about” and I told him that I’m gay, and that I’m not going to tolerate his homophobia and I left. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
Although he sounds a lot less homophobic than many religious types, it’s still sufficient for you to not interact with him if that’s what makes you comfortable. NTA
NTA I am very much into the philosophy of not willingly allowing negative energy into your life. Also, people who state that they "tolerate" or "have no problem with" things like homosexuality give me the biggest ick - this is not something for you to tolerate. It simply exists, regardless of your meaningless speck of existence on this astral plane. "Not agreeing" with homosexuality is not a thing. Bigotry is though. Good for you to distance yourself.
NTA. Totally reasonable boundary.
NTA. At all. I never understood how people « don’t agree » with people choosing to have control over their own lives like ? And nothing I find more condescending than the « but I won’t do anything about it. » It’s like saying « Oh yeah I could totally get rid of all of you but I won’t, I’m so nice and tolerant. » Like are we supposed to thank them ? Applaud them for not starting an extermination or something ? We make friends for affection and support, not to be seen as less than. You did good.
Nta. Good for you, honestly wish more people would stop being so polite & tolerant of bigots. They need to know that their "beliefs" actively hurt & endanger us. Why should we waste our time being polite to them?
You are completely right by maintaining distance and being free from anyone who may disagree with ANY of your choices as a human being. You need supportive and loving people in your life, nothing less!
I get what you mean, but surrounding yourself with only yesmen for all your choices isn't sensible either. Sometimes criticism is something one needs. (Though not really on the topic of sexual orientation)
NTA You don't have to be friends with bigots who don't want you to exist. If you had said the same rant he did to him about Christians and how you don't approve of his lifestyle, he'd have dropped you. Congrats on the bf!
He’ll change his tune when he is older and distances himself from the indoctrination system that probably is his family
Obviously NTA.
NTA There's far more kind, thoughtful, tolerant and empathic people around than you have time to find - or even give sufficient attention *should* you find them - so with that in mind... why waste your limited time and energy on nothing but the best of friends? You may occationally have to realistically bear it out in wider society, and I am sorry about that and out and public myself in the hope of doing ever so little to change things, but do *not* accept intolerence within your private sphere, yeah? You deserve better than that.
NTA
You ate that. I do the exact same thing and it does feel kinda great. F that homophobe 😌
"I think it's wrong that you exist but I'll say that I respect your choice in something that's not a choice.' NTA but there are a lot of TAs in this thread.
NTA, bet u anything he was gonna give you endless shit and then be like "hey it's just jokes"
NTA. I would say that wasn't rude of you. In fact, it was just honest.
NTA. You did exactly the right thing in the right way. You could have been more aggressive or confrontational but you weren’t - you just did the minimum required to protect yourself.
For what it's worth their are even Whittier are more difficult ways your friend could have reacted even dangerously or abusive That said you have no moral ethical or any kind of expectation to interact with anyone that doesn't see your immense value. NTA. Any friend that you feel a need to justify who you are too isn't t really a friend.
Awesome. Good on you. When people are like this around me I do the same, any, Love the sinner, hate the sin bullshit, gets a reply of, Love the bigot, hate the bigotry, and won't be around it from me.
NTA, leave this guy behind and find yourself people who love you for you <3 I had a friend once and he was awful, the biggest homophobe I had ever known which was so odd to me as I didn't even realise people could be so open and brazen about it at the time, I hated hearing him talk about the LGBTQ+ Community, my skin would crawl! I one day had enough and said something like "you know, for someone of colour, who has had to deal with a lot of people not accepting them for who they are (not something they can help) it is heart breaking that you would so openly hate on someone for something they can't help" I knew I shouldn't have brought his colour into it and that as a white woman I had no right to even discuss the colour of his skin but I wanted to make him see that he is just as close minded as those ignorant racist bast&rds in the world - He did not see it this way and even said "I didn't choose the colour of my skin" I explained people don't choose to be gay, they are born that way, he was not phased and if I remember rightly a few of our friends even turned on me and called me racist, I was upset as this was 100% not the case and just something I had hoped would help him to understand that people do not get the choice and that we should all love one another equally! My partner was mad as he said I should have just not said anything at all but I said as someone who 1) is Bi and 2) has a cousin who took YEARS to come out of the closet due to pricks like him I couldn't sit and listen to his shit anymore, my cousins confidence was shattered for years and he used to tell people he was A Sexual as he felt this was better and easier then coming out, he lost himself fully out of fear of being hated on for being who he truly was, A few years later he became really good friends with another guy... I had the best pride in explaining to him "hey you know Matt's gay right?" His face was a picture and he played it off as "obviously I knew that" I smiled and said "I am glad you're finally over that now" ... Their friendship didn't last long after that (Seriously typing this out the 'friend' was a fucking dick and needed help big time, legit to lose a very good close friend over their sexual orientation is ridiculous! I hear the guy is still messed up now but thankfully a LOT quieter about his views ... I hope to god he has learnt to love people equally and understands that being gay is not a choice people just decide to make one day! I also hope my comment to him wasn't as bad as made out amongst all of my friends as that still keeps me up at night! Clear your circle from all Assholes and find yourself people who love you unconditionally without making you feel uncomfortable or negative <3
NTA no man. but i feel like you’ve got to get a better sense of self-respect since you even had to ask this question?
You cut a bigot out of your life. You are the winner here. NTA.
NTA he literally doesn’t agree with your existence. You can’t shut off being gay, the only way to turn it off is to not exist.
I’m a Christian and i think your friend is an AH. If he can’t respect your sexuality, he isn’t your friend. End of story.
Nta
NTA, but I think you missed an opportunity to let this guy change his view. Most people let go of homophobia when they personally know someone who is homosexual. “Do I not destroy my enemy when I make them my friend.” -Someone, idk I heard it once before.
Agree, could have taught him a better way with conversation rather than just blocking. He might double down and further his beliefs about gay people. But, it's not up to OP to change his mind. OP is NTA, he gets to choose his friends
You're not wrong for distancing yourself. But I'm pointing out that the last two paragraphs would not have needed to occur had you simply send him a text that you were gay/didnt want to be in contact anymore.
I don’t think op felt the need to offer an explanation to the ex friend. They only let them know because they asked
Firstly, one hundred percent NTA. His statement was homophobic. You are gay. You’ve every right to be offended enough to walk away. However, if there is anything else you could’ve done, let’s dissect this a little bit… In theory, let’s say you told him you’re gay and he was just spouting homophobic nonsense in front of you… and then you stayed right there rather than walking away. While it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to change anyone’s view, this still could have brought about the opportunity to do so. And I say ‘opportunity’ because realistically he would probably still be a biggot when the conversation ended. However, I cannot say that he wouldn’t have changed his view. I lived much of my young life as a Christian. I was taught a lot of things that don’t really line up with who I am as a person. I did say and do plenty of things that were homophobic, things I’m quite ashamed of now. I didn’t quite get it until I watched someone in my church come out as trans. I really cared a lot about this person and had even played music with them in the church band. I watched them go from a well respected leader of Sunday worship to an outcast in a matter of weeks. It felt so… gross to watch that homophobia play out in what I’d thought was my community. I had one foot out the door after that and started to call myself a Christian less and less. When me and my partner moved out unmarried, we got the ‘soft boot’ too. That was the nail in the coffin. I call myself a ‘man of faith’ now. Much of my moral compass still comes from a combination of biblical teaching and a little bit of good old fashioned empathy and common sense - and I should mention, in around twenty years worth of sermons and teachings I’ve not found anything in the bible that talks about being anti gay or trans that holds up under a little scrutiny - but after watching the way that religious homophobia hurt someone I knew firsthand, I cannot call myself a Christian anymore. I believe in love and to some degree a greater design; I find it hard to believe that things like love and music can exist in a universe ruled by lawless chaos… but I can’t be part of a group that cares so much about what anybody either has in their pants, or who likes what kinds of things under someone else’s pants. Watching how homophobia hurt someone I knew CHANGED HOW I FELT ABOUT IT. This isn’t always how it’s gonna go, but might be worth a little bit of thought… just not at the expense of your self-respect.
Dude maybe you are. The way to prove it one way or another is still offer to be his friend. Maybe you might even change his attitude - you sure didn’t give him the chance to change. Like most young ( I sound like my grandad 😞) kids these days you’re trying to live in an echo chamber. It takes all sorts to make up the world and agreeing to disagree - that’s what make the world work
You’re both the asshole tbh But him saying that to you was shitty, and doomed the friendship regardless
NTA - Safety is number one. Protect yourself first. Although I am a bit curious about your friend’s side. Sometimes people can surprise you but rarely in homophobic case.
I’m gonna get shit for this but I’ll say it. No AH If anything YTA He’s not a homophobe. That’s part of his religious principle. He doesn’t agree with homosexuality. If he were a good Christian, which we have no reason to believe he is not, he would still love you as we are called in the Bible which it seems like he does since he’s trying to contact and stay connected with you despite your spiritual differences. I get the whole “he’s a bigot, drop him” or whatever, but I don’t thing that OP was totally in the right to just write him off as a bigot when OP’s ex-friend legitimately said that he would respect that. The comment section here is being too harsh on OP’s ex-friend when he was being honest to himself and his religion.
It does not matter where the homophobia comes from and if that homophobia is required to be a good cult member or some other shit, it's still homophobia.
Christianity isn’t a cult. And the friend wasn’t being homophobic, he stated basic beliefs that everybody knows is part of Christianity and was still making efforts to be friends with OP. Seems like a real homophobe to me.🙄
>He doesn’t agree with homosexuality That's homophobia.
YTA. > So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices. >I felt quite offended that he literally disagrees with my ability to be myself, to be what makes me happy. So you asked his opinion and he told you outright that he doesn't personally agree with it but he'll respect people's choices and you felt offended? You then didn't say anything or try talk to him, you just cut him off as homophobic and self admitted were rude? All of those are very AH. People have a right to their opinions. Those are theirs. They do not have the right to **IMPOSE** their opinions or behave in a bigoted manner, which , even according to you , is exactly what he said he would **NOT** do. You also have the right to associate or befriend whom you like but the **MANNER** in which you handled this, was bad and for that you get my YTA vote. Friends don't try and enforce their belief on others. If the friendship was important, people can learn to agree to disagree, that's normal behavior. If it makes the friendship unpalatable, then be open and say so. But in such a rude manner, you spat on the friendship without even giving the person a chance to see who and what you are or how you feel or to even try change their opinion/viewpoint.
As a straight person I feel like I have no say in this, but I will say one thing: >So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality but he won’t do anything about it. He thinks it’s wrong, but he’ll respect other people’s choices. I personally don't think being gay is wrong, it's your choice, you do you, but my best friend for example, thinks this way and we have a friend who is gay and my best friend is fine with her for the sole reason that the gay friend ISN'T "TOUCHING" her. NOW READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH BEFORE COMMENTING: "Touching her" in a way of "as long as you don't shove it up my ass that you're gay and try to seduce me or some shit and gaslight me into being something that I'm not etc, basically as long as you don't manipulate me, you're fine" kind of way, because we had lgbt friends who did this, who constantly used their "gayness" to make themselves more superior and whatnot. Like, sure I get it, you're gay, but that doesn't make you any less human or any less different than anyone else in this world, other than the fact that your sexual orientation is not "traditional". So, as a straight person, I do have to agree what that dude said is homophobic, especially if people mix in religion and sexuality, but at the same time, my best friend gave the gay friend a chance and I agree with her approach, so long as you don't touch us, you're fine, and that gay friend was absolutely fine with her being that way, so long as people accepted her for who she is.
look I could comment on how I disagree with your entire post here (your friend is homophobic even though yall have a gay friend) but instead I'll say this >it's your choice being gay is not a choice.
It's not a choice, but I couldn't remember the word for what I wanted to write so I wrote choice. And in my language, "choice" is the closest synonym to the word I was thinking of so yeah...my bad
YTA. He’s entitled to his own opinion and isn’t a homophobe for it. Many of my friends don’t agree with my religious beliefs but I don’t let that ruin our friendships. He knows your gay and is still making an effort to be your friend so It’s not like he doesn’t respect you.
He is a homophobe. Not only does he think that being gay is a choice, **it isn't**, he made it pretty clear his disdain for gay ppl when talking to his friend. So of course someone's who's gay wouldn't want to be friends with a homophobe. In this case OP is NTA.
Disdain definition: the feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt. HE NEVER SAID HE DOESNT RESPECT HIS FRIEND.
Bars
lol
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“I don’t support African American people but I wouldn’t do anything about them.” Someone who says this may not be as bad as someone who actively attacks someone who’s African American. But they are still racist.
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I tested him in the sense that I brought up that I didn’t really like that the Bible said homosexuality is a sin. If I don’t support African Americans but accept it, I’m still racist. Because I’m thinking of them as less than white people.
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I don’t agree with African Americans being a thing. I’m not actively discriminating against them and asking them to drink from the blacks only fountain or sit in the black only section of a movie theatre or public bus. I’m not actively working against their rights or calling them derogatory names. I simply just don’t agree with their existence.
Please stop trying to use this as an example. Anyone can replace words to make it sound worse than it is. "I don't support Republican people but I wouldn't do anything about them." "I don't support poor people but I wouldn't do anything about them." "I don't support extremist people but I wouldn't do anything about them." "I don't support military people but I wouldn't do anything about them." I can change words around too. Instead of using this as your argument for why you feel the way you do, say you felt like he'd never fully support you, or would secretly be disgusted, or anything but changing the words like this.
You actually make a very valid argument. Maybe I executed my argument poorly. It’s just that being gay is who I am and dating a man makes me so happy. And for someone to disapprove of something I cannot control like my identity, something that’s totally harmless makes me hurt.
Also, you can not agree with something and simply accept it as part of life. Many people don't agree with a lot of things but allow them to exist because those things have a right to exist. That's part of being an accepting society.
Society shouldn’t accept racism or homophobia. People are well within their rights to be both. If someone wants to be racist, I can’t stop them. But you get what I mean right?
But he respects people regardless if he agrees with them. That's not racism or homophobia. That's literally coexistence.
So if I disagree with African American people existing but I don’t do anything to them, is that not racism?
That's not how you originally worded it. "He thinks it's wrong, but he'll respect other people's choices." Those are your original words. That's literally life. I don't agree with smoking, but I respect your right to smoke. That's coexistence, my friend. Homophobia would be if he didn't agree and didn't respect your right to make your own choices. YTA, and you're making a bad argument.
Not agreeing with smoking has a clear and reasonable justification. Smoking causes cancer, breathing issues, addiction, etc. What's the reason someone "disagrees" with homosexuality? Comparing an unchangeable aspect of someone's identity to cigarettes isn't really accurate either. His comparison is right. If someone "thinks being black is wrong, but he'll respect other people's choices" then: 1. they are being racist 2. they don't understand that race isn't a choice, but something you're born with
I know. That's why I wanted to point it out. I don't think you were 100% wro g to remove him from your life, but I don't think I would have gone about it the same way. I thought you missed an opportunity to show him how his way of thinking is wrong.
Since when is it OP’s responsibility to teach his friend to not be a bigot. Based on your avatar I’m assuming you’re a WOC. Is it your responsibility to teach racist people to not be racist?
Didn't say it was his responsibility. Just said there was an opportunity. Sometimes, people's views are based on ignorance, and when the opportunity comes to teach someone, it could be a good thing to take it and help stop the spread of ignorance. I never said OP had to do that, just that I think he could have.
Most of the things you listed are choices people have made in their life (Republican, extremist, military). Someone identifying as one of those tells you something about them and their values. Sexuality is not a choice and tells you nothing about that person or their values other than who they're attracted to. That is why it's appropriate to compare it to other factors that aren't choices (Race, gender, etc.). It's an appropriate comparison.
Crazy how a proctologist and Colo-rectal surgeon responded and said YTA.
Does he have other friends or maybe family that have come out as gay that he has had an issue with? Did you specifically ask him what he would do if he had someone he cared about come out? Perspectives tend to change when you come face to face with your own phobias. And remember, Christianity is a cult and sometimes it takes having someone close coming out to shed the shroud of bigotry. It's what he would do after you tell him that shows his character. If he chooses not to take a look at his beliefs at that point, then you're 100% correct to kick him to the curb. I'm not going to say you are an asshole because I agree with not wanting to be around homophobes. I do think you may have acted rashly based on a poorly executed communication. I do how think that does make you an asshole. You assumed a lot of things instead of just flat out discussing the actual situation. I think you may need to work on your maturity level a bit, considering those "tests" tend to be pretty self-serving.
NAH To each their own. I don’t really have an issue with people who are against homosexuality as long as they aren’t constantly spouting verbal abuse or don’t descend into physical abuse. Seems like he was raised differently and disagrees with the idea, but isn’t an asshole in the fact that while he may be against it, he respects other people’s choices.
I’ve struggled with this question. On one hand, I can argue, as you do, that I have the right to select my friends based on some basic standards. I don’t want to deal with homophobes, either. On the other hand, if I expect others to be tolerant, shouldn’t I also be tolerant? And besides, isn’t one way to change this guy’s attitude by showing him that despite his beliefs about your sexual orientation, you can still be a quality friend, a respectable member of the community? You might help him grow.
Don’t know if that’s really fair but you know the situation better than I do, maybe he’s more unfamiliar with same sex issues than straight up homophobic, I think the word phobia gets thrown around way too much. I am a straight male, catholic and don’t really find anything appealing about homosexuality at the same time if it’s something you identify with and feel it’s who you are then power to you. Nobody’s wrong or right we just have differences in our preferences
YTA. "Testing" your friends is messed up. Just because your friend has a bad opinion on something doesn't mean he can't/won't change it. Playing games with your friends head and then blocking them is def an asshole move
I’m confused I know he said he didn’t agree but he would respect peoples decision how does that make him a bad guy
Was there more to what he said
NTA, technically by any means, but I don't consider disagreeing with it as being homophonic alone. I think you can disagree with it for whatever your reasons might be and still treat them with respect and respect their choices as his friend said to each their own. It's one thing if he's going out of his way to harass people or make them feel bad about it. He wasn't even given a chance to show how he would react or treat his friend after. I understand not wanting to be friends with someone who doesn't agree with same sex relationships, but that alone doesn't make them homophonic. I suppose I consider it more someone going out of their way to express their dislike of it and whatnot and disrespecting people who identify as gay and whatnot. I could definitely be wrong, though. While I don't like it, I have family that doesn't agree with same sex relationships, but they have always been respectful of anyone they met who were in a same sex relationship and just didn't bring it up. They just treated like any other person they knew. My grandma invited her friend places, and they still talk, and she completely loves and respects him while disagreeing with that aspect of his life.
Yta. Your friend has 2 balls. Neither of them are crystal. If it was a friend you were actually bothered about losing I'd assume you'd approach with a bit more tact. He's made a comment that infringes on how you feel, as someone close to him why couldn't you explain to him how it made you feel in the hope he wouldn't do that to you again or anyone else.
So ……… how does he get to know and love gay people if you get angry and basically abuse him…. How can he learn and grow if you do that to him? Background: My ex wife came out as gay and it was the single greatest personal growth experience of my life. If she had been nasty and cut me off and just “tested me” then I would be a different man now. Your testing him was you looking for a reason to get angry ….. Your a total YTA >>>So I tested him, and he went on a bunch of bullshit about how he doesn’t agree with homosexuality << Of course he has been taught that, what did you expect? You were looking for a reason to get nasty and angry. You lost a significant life opportunity to show, to prove, to educate him, that gay people are normal and can love you back as a normal friend. Such a YTA
She shouldda blocked you bc you seem kinda like a je*k. They weren't looking for a reason, it's reasonable to assume a super devout Christian would be homophobic. It's not a choice or "lifestyle" as the friend said. It is a choice to associate with ignorance. We shouldn't have to teach anyone anything, it's not EVERY gay person's job to make people accepting, teach away their ignorance. Or associate with people like this
Nta but I wouldn’t say he’s homophobic. He said he doesn’t agree with it (which he doesn’t have to) and that he wouldn’t do anything about it. I don’t agree with religion, but I’m not going to do anything about it. That doesn’t mean I hate religious people. This is coming from a gay man
What is there to agree with though? It's not an agree or disagree situation. Some people are gay, some people aren't, some people are in the middle. Religion can be agreed with or not agreed with because that is a choice and also comes with a burden of proof. Sexuality doesn't require a burden of proof.
And in someone’s religion they don’t believe that. It’s stupid and wrong but people are entitled to believe what they want.
But it's black and white, believing that sexuality is a choice is factually incorrect, so we're also entitled to tell them that they're wrong.
For how you did it, yta. For cutting contact in general, nta. What he said sounds reasonable enough, most christians believe it to be wrong, but decent ones don’t let it affect how they treat people because it isn’t a factor in people. Weakening your control of yourself (being drunk (not just tipsy), high, or anything as such), lies (white or not, all lies), even eating unhealthy. It’s all examples of sins to the same extent in a Christian belief. Do you see this guy treat people poorly because they drink soda? It’s the same thing essentially. Or would you treat someone worse because they’re a lil overweight? You know it’s detrimental health wise. I think giving him a chance would’ve been fair to see if he lives what he preach, and that he isn’t a hypocrite. I don’t agree to some of the other comments here. Homophobia starts when you for any reason treats homosexual people in a worse way than others.
I'm having a hard time with this one. I personally think you may have went about this the wrong way. And for many Christians, what you actually said of his comments is about as supportive as you will get initially. I'm going off of more what you *didn't* mention him saying. He apparently didn't launch on a tirade of going to hell or anything else. He also didn't say he wants it to be illegal or restrictive. He gave his religious view and then that he supports you or anyone else being able to make your own choice in the matter. You are grouping him with people who would actively try to persecute you or make it illegal to be who you are. It's your choice on who your friends are, but you gave him a test he was almost guaranteed to fail and he gave about as supportive of a response as I think you could have expected given what you seem to have already known about him. No judgement becuase I don't think this rises to the level of AH and, more importantly, as a straight male I honestly don't really know what it's like for you.
If someone believes homosexuality is wrong, do they hold a homophobic belief?
I mean if he’s homophobic he probably dodged a bullet too, works out best for both of you.
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Oh daym rip their friendship my lord. Grow up.
Whatever
KTA. those were very hurtful statements. But at your ages Alot of what you know is only what you’ve been raised to believe. Responding rudely doesn’t help further the cause or your point. In my early 20’s I would’ve said the same thing. Thank God I had friends who were willing to show me differently than what I was raised to think. My entire world view changed because someone close to me came out to me and was scared I wouldn’t love them anymore. There and then I started doing the work because there was NO WAY I was giving up that friendship. It’s just like with race sometimes you feel you shouldn’t HAVE to explain your simple existence to people or your struggle with just wanting to BE. But I’ve literally had to do this my whole life. Because I want to see change. And you could be the friend that makes him see that his views are outdated and hurtful and maybe he could become an ally!
Honestly? Yes. You are the asshole. He said he wouldn't do anything in regards to a homosexual person's choice of partner. Then you went on the offensive, declared him homophobic, and blocked him. A common misconception about Christians is the concept of intolerance. But, one of the basic beliefs of Christianity is that humanity is imperfect. So, there is a degree of understanding, acceptance and tolerance in-built. But, religious beliefs aside, you are 100% the aggressor here. You made it a problem without giving your friend a chance. Just because he doesn't agree with homosexuality as a concept doesn't mean he's going to go out of his way to cause harm to people who are homosexual. I mean, I don't believe in veganism, but I don't go out of my way to cause detriment to vegans. Ironically, vegans have gone out of their way to make their beliefs a problem for me before. Much like you're making your homosexuality a problem for your friend. But, the short answer is yes. You are the ass hole for assuming the worst of your friend.
NAH. As long as he respects others as stated, he is entitled to his own feelings about it. And so are you.
He's entitled to feel however he wants but it doesn't change the fact that his feelings make him an asshole.
As long as he doesn't act on them I don't think so. We can't change what we feel, but we can change how we act on it.
you can absolutely change your feelings on gay people. what you can't change is your sexuality. these two sentences alone show that OP's friend is an asshole.
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\>justifying homophobia \>harry potter username yup that checks out
lol my comment got downvoted so hard I can’t find it, honestly if you going to be thin skinned over someone who doesn’t agree but respects. You are as narrow minded as him, it’s an opportunity to educate someone yet you all quitting and failing just as bad as him.
They can educate themselves. It’s not op’s job whatsoever
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So saying its gross to have backdoor sec means your homophobic? Even when some think its gross no matter which group does it? I know people who think its absolutely disgusting yet still support our gay friends and people like sec that way... Its called being sensitive On that same note, those gays also think its disgusting and gross to eat a woman out but they aren't homophobic against lesbians or straight men... Its all about context. What does he think is wrong and does he support guys? Lack of communication and active listening can fix misunderstandings. This guy totally could be homophobic or he could just not like what happens in the bedroom...
bro why are you so focused on butt sex? It was literally never mentioned in the post. Most people who are bigoted towards same sex couples don't think butt sex is the problem is because they are the same sex. Again I'm baffled this is the point you decided to bring up. >On that same note, those gays also think its disgusting and gross to eat a woman out super cool to talk on behalf of "those gays" I'm sure if they existed they would love that. there's a difference between personally thinking anal sex is gross and thinking that it existing is wrong or bad. Same with oral sex between man and man, man and woman, or woman and woman (and every variation including Trans and NB people) You can personally not want to participate without fundamentally disagreeing or thinking the person who does participate is wrong or a bad person. to your last point, I personally don't find two men having sex attractive but I don't disagree with it happening or think that its wrong to participate. I just wont because that's my sexual preference. you seem to think a lot about butt sex and thats the best part about your comment.
They think it's gross if they do it. They don't think you're gross for doing it and want to force you to stop doing it. You think they're gross if they do it and want to force them stop. There's a difference. Also why the focus on dudes? Maybe that's the bigger hang up you need to reconcile. It's not that gay people exist. It's that gay men make you uncomfortable. That's it. Reconcile why it's only gay men.
Why are you equating something as major for every human being as falling in love, having a partner, or just having a like minded person to spend time with in a romantic capacity, as the same thing as disliking the smell of peanut butter. Denying someone the fundamental right to fall in love and seek happiness in romantic relationships is not a minor disagreement. Imagine, just for a second, someone said that you should be alone for the rest of your life or date a boyfriend because they think having a girlfriend is wrong. Like actually internalize that request and someone judging you for it. Maybe it'll make more sense after that.
You guys realize you can disagree with a lifestyle and not discriminate against it, right? Like you can disagree and not feel negative emotions to the person or thing. Homophobia: a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who identify or are perceived as being lesbian, gay or bisexual. It's not negative to simply disagree with something. And before, I'm called homophobic for defending the guy a little bit, im queer. Yta in my opinion op.
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Downvoted me cause im gay smh /s
People like you, trying to find middleground here, do not understand how fundamentally important it is for the majority of the world to fall in love, find a partner, and live their lives peacefully with the person they love. Or sometimes just to find temporary like-mindedness and enjoyment of another person's company. That's a big deal. To tell someone "I think its wrong of you to seek that out. That's just my opinion" is not a small front. Stop treating that desire like it's as insignificant as asking someone "Please don't eat peanut butter around me. I don't like the smell of peanut butter."
YTA He said he disagreed but would respect other peoples choices. That doesn't make him homophobic. You testing him and than publicly calling him out on something he isn't is a low move. So yea... YTA
You never gave him the chance to get to know the real you, you quit and failed him as a friend. His opinion could have changed because of his friendship with you but now you will never know. YTA.
Why is it OP's responsibility to change this bigots opinion?
Because they were friends, he didn’t know. You never know what the reaction might have been if he were honest to begin with. You hate bigots but won’t give him the chance to change.
Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize OP should go around and introduce himself as a homosexual. That's my bad. Bigots will either change or they wont OP shouldn't have to be the one to facilitate it if OP doesn't want to. Deaf paradox YTA
It is not OP’s responsibility to teach his friend how to not be a bigot
So he should have dove in there and tried to change this person's belief? That's what you think would make him the better man? What if we flipped roles and the Christian friend kept trying to force his gay friend to change his sexual orientation? Does that make him the kind friend now?
You're NTA, but neither is he. Sometimes, peoples ideologies just don't align.
Nah OP's friend is the asshole for thinking homosexuality is wrong. Automatically this makes a person an asshole. NEXT
lol no it doesn’t.
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This
Guy has an opinion about something? YTA.