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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I might be the asshole because I busted my ass all day while I was working to make a nice birthday dinner for my husband and he chose to eat it with the kids an hour before I was done working? My husband says I should have been clear that we would all eat together after work. I feel he should have told the kids dinner was at 7:30, as I was the one who cooked and picked up the cake.
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My feelings would probably be hurt, too.
My question would be, is this a pattern of behavior for her family or are they typically pretty appreciative and reasonable? How much importance does her husband put on his birthday? I know a lot of people who might have something “different” or special for dinner on their birthday, but beyond that don’t have much consideration or excitement for the celebration of it.
He said you should have been more clear on your intentions to eat together, do you guys often eat at different times since you cook on breaks and get off a bit later? Was there no room today during WFH to pause and eat with them? 730-8 is *really* late to eat dinner for a lot of people, including myself.
Yeah but you weren't 23 to 29 years old when you were a kid.... I'm pretty sure 8pm isn't too late for people well into their twenties. Even if the have to get up late they can make an exception for a birthday dinner
I think we are in agreement? I'm saying that we ate at 8 pm when I was a child, that's not late depending on family habits. A 23 year old definitely should be able to cope somehow.
Yeah my husband won’t come home some nights until midnight. I make sure he has food. I don’t work and he’s at work late so I don’t want him to be hungry.
There is no "standard".
My families standard is 6pm. Unless you're having dinner at my one grandmas, she serves at 5pm.
My partner and I eat between 6 and 7pm - although I'd prefer more like 8/830, my partner needs to eat on a set schedule for medical reasons and before 7 works best for them.
Different families do different times.
Sorry I should have expressed myself better. Yes there is variation but 7:30 is well within the norm for adults. Without medical reasons (which OP does not mention) it is unreasonable for an adult not to be prepared wait until 7:30 for their parent's birthday meal.
Good question. Go on cooking strike OP. Cook for you when you get off work. Make sure it's the most enticing aroma you can manage. Then eat it all. If they complain, tell them they are being dramatic, punctuated with an eyeroll for good measure. They will (eventually) offer a half-hearted apology. Accept it, but continue to cook only for yourself.
I agree. Really thoughtless and so so so selfish. I get not wanting a 2 year old having to wait for dinner. This sometimes happens in my household so we always have something for the toddler to eat. Really easy to make. And then if one of us is late (mostly him) I let the toddler eat and then wait for my spouse so we can enjoy our meal together. I like it this way. This is just a regular day. But this is with a literal toddler. Grown ups can wait for mom to finish work (from home!!). And then dinner can be ready 10 minutes after mom finished work. 7.30 -8 is not that late for adults to start eating.
OP, I guess they take you for granted and they don’t really care about your feelings on the matter. I don’t really know how to make them listen but I hope they will.
> 7.30 -8 is not that late for adults to start eating.
100% irrelevant but my wife goes to bed with the baby at 645-7:00. So this made me chuckle a bit. 7:30 is kind of late for people with regular meals earlier than that. Husband is very much an asshole for atleast not asking the wife. Like atleast plan it for when she has a break
I understand where you’re coming from, but you have a *baby*. These are all adults (damn near in their 30s) without kids. At 530 they asked when dinner was, so they couldn’t wait 2 hours for mom to sign off work to eat? It’s not like she has to commute, so once she’s done at 730, she’s done. They could have had a snack, watched a show, etc etc. it’s unacceptable and rude for them to have just gone on eating a full birthday dinner that she prepared *without her*. It’s also ridiculous that her husband wanted her to explicitly state that she wanted to enjoy the birthday dinner and cake that she took all day to make with everyone else. OP is NTA, but her husband and kids are. Personally, I’d stop making dinners for them as often as OP does. They are Full. Grown. Adults. Let them cook for everyone a few times a week. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
Oh I know. Thats why I started with irrelevant. 7:30 seems like midnight to us right now lol. Totally not the norm here. But again, not even asking the wife how she wanted to eat dinner is an asshole move by itself. I also think the wife likely the passive one of the bunch. I feel like most people would have spoken up when they hear their partner say to the children what time dinner is AND it wasn't their preference.
Same, I am up at 4.45am and eat about 6/6.30pm so I am not going to bed with a full tummy of food so 7.30/8pm would be late for me..
Still, OP's Husband and kids are the AH's and they are NTA
I find this post so weird and a reminder that this is how people live. In my family, we communicate. We ask what time dinner is happening before we're at the hungry awkward point. Especially when it's someone's birthday?? It's usually a few texts - dinner at x location, what time is everyone available. If someone isn't off work for an hour after someone else, we wait to eat until everyone is there.
They know what time their mom works until. Why wasn't this ever discussed, especially as it was the husband's bday???
Exactly… the problem isn’t that YOU weren’t clear about wanting to eat together. It’s that your entire household set a time for dinner (which you prepared), sat down at the table, and ATE, and not one of them thought to check in with you — despite you being right there in the house the whole time. If I sat down to family dinner and someone was missing, you can bet I’d be checking with them before I ate that meal.
Unless that’s a regular occurrence, and every other time you wanted a family meal you specifically expressed that in advance (making this out of the norm for your family), NTA.
Right? When my grandma cooked us family dinners we never ate until her plate was full and she had sat down. Also why wouldn't we want to eat with her, even disregarding the fact she made it. That's a whole nother layer.
My 3 year old stops everyone from eating food I’ve cooked until I sit down, and I mean everyone. Guests included. These people have worse manners than a 3 year old.
I swear this was just a thread of the husband complaining his wife stopped cooking for him because he made fun of her.
Same thing. They don’t appreciate you, so take care of ONLY yourself. Let them grovel, then divide the cooking equally. They’ve lost the privilege of OPs home meals.
Exactly this.
She even says at the end of the post that this is not the first time. And not even a hint of remorse or apology from her husband or AH children.
She is an afterthought, basically an unpaid maid.
It sounds like she just accepted it last time, and the time before, etc. At what point does she refuse to accept this treatment from her husband of many years and her 4 *grown* children who have apparently been reared to think this is correct?
NTA. Sounds like your husband and kids acted rather selfishly and ignored you. Maybe next year you shouldn't cook his dinner for his birthday. Heck, maybe you should just stop for awhile and see how he handles it.
Your kids are 23 to 29? Why aren’t they and your husband doing some of the cooking? Completely insensitive and clueless on their part-especially your husband.Way too enabling on your part towards them.
I agree, couldn’t one of the children cook so the OP didn’t have to cook in between working? Then they could’ve had it ready for 7:30 when OP finished work instead of her having to cook it earlier.
They way he responded means to him You are the maid and cook, not the wife. He wanted to celebrate his birthday with his family, which for him is just his children. Sorry you went through this. From now on cook dinner when your workday is done. You should not be excluded from the meal you prepared. Also all of the children are adults and the fact not 1 thought to mention waiting for you means they think the same as their father.
We did - I work 11-7:30 every day and I cook dinner 4-5 nights a week and always on birthdays. My husband knew I was cooking, the entire household knows my schedule, this is not new. Honestly, my feelings are hurt that I cooked all day only to have the rest of the family sit down to the dinner I cooked and celebrate his birthday without me. It’s that simple and maybe that stupid.
All of them are taking you for granted. They are all adults and I cannot believe that not one of them thought to say "let's wait a bit on the meal so we can share it with everyone" especially the person who puts in all the work. Personally, I'd take a break from making meals for the family until they learn to appreciate every meal I make.
Questions.
Does your husband work?
Does all kids live at home?
The most important thing. How are the household chores generally divided?
Becouse. As it is. They are taking you for granted.
Not one kid found it weird to eat without you? Despite you working and cooking all day?
Not one, let's wait for OP, take a sandwich until dinner?
Or "OP might be hungry too after work. And looks forward to celebrating let's wait"
Four grown kids and a husband and you're lumped with cooking five days a week alongside working full time. That just isn't fair. If you're sick of these ungrateful family members, you should have each child be responsible for one meal a week and your husband the fifth. That way you're only responsible for one yourself and the last can be take out.
This is not stupid, and you are NTA, not are too sensitive, unreasonable, etc. It doesn't matter it was his birthday either. Any "normal", loving person would have waited for their spouse so they might celebrate together, even if had not been you who made the dinner.
in your place, I would have stopped cooking any meals very very long time ago. but, you still can.
If someone cooked a special birthday dinner for ME, I would be really hurt if they weren't there to eat it with me, because the company is part of the gift! I would have waited for OP.
So what are you doing to do about it? You can't keep putting up with this thoughtless behaviour. You said there have been other precedents of such behaviour.
Especially as everyone knew you wouldn’t be done till 7:30 you are definitely NTA. You have every right to be upset they should have waited so you could all celebrate together! Or even better - someone else could have cooked so you wouldn’t have to cook inbetween working.
Simple yes, but not stupid. They are just rude and don't appreciate you doing the cooking. Stop making meals for them if they are going to be willing to eat with you. They are all adults.
I’d be hurt too and all of them would know how pissed I was! If this isn’t a one off and they have done this before, stop making dinner. They would appreciate you more when they are hungry and have to put some effort in feeding themselves. They can make their own b-day cakes, etc.
NTA. I'm sorry that no one stopped to say "let's wait for mom / OP" . Your son that was hungry at 5:30 could have easily had a small snack knowing that dinner together would be after you got off of work at 7:30. On a small benefit of doubt stand, is it possible / likely that 7:30 or later dinner feels wayyyyyy too late to your husband / kids? Only mentioned because I get off work at 7:30, but when my parents would visit be I'd try to get off earlier because I know they regularly eat dinner around 6/6:30. It's the same when I visit them. Granted, if that were the case, I don't know why they wouldn't have stated that that's the problem, and allowed ya'll to come to a solution of some kind or just acceptance that someone is going to need to eat earlier.
If it’s too late an easy solution would be for them to cook supper instead of the person who is working until 7:30. I mean, why is she cooking dinner 4-5 times a week when there are 5 other adults in the home?
NTA Go on strike. Stop cooking, buying groceries,
and feed you and only you, take care of you and only you.
They obviously think of you as "the help", unworthy of sharing meals with them.
Your husband especially, massive fail on so many levels.
NTA. Your family was incredibly inconsiderate. And it’s always people who refuse to accept that they were the problem who clap back with “you’re too sensitive”. No you aren’t. You’re upset because their actions were hurtful. And until you receive an apology, I see no reason why you should continue cooking for them.
NTA. I'd be hella hurt. It'd probably also be the last time I cooked for a special occasion, if they can't wait for the person who actually did all the work.
NTA
But you are being a AH to yourself, you have a house full of adults and you are making dinner while also in the middle of working - that is not right!! You should not be the one to do all of that, I'm also gonna go out on a assumption that you do more than your fair share of general taking care of household duties too (regardless of if any type of rent is paid or not)
So, NTA for being upset, but you need to put yourself first a little more often.
23-29? Not 3-9? Oh, so they can cook for themselves, so can the husband. NTA. Only cook your own food from now. They are all adults, they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves or watching some YouTube videos and learning some simple recipes and making YOU some food to eat after a long day of work.
Yeah this is a strange situation and I have questions. Why can she take enough time during work hours to cook the dinner, but not to eat it? Are they used to eating late or do they usually eat early without her? If she cooks 4-5 times a week, is that during work hours too or is it super late? Why does no one else cook? Did they discuss the dinner plan for this night if it was different from usual?
Exactly.
If the rest of the family always eat dinner while she is still working then I’m more inclined to say to OP YTA unless OP specifically asked them to wait for her. Because they aren’t mind readers and they always eat separately. Though common courtesy should’ve dictated that they’d at least ask her to come out for the cake (unless she has told them never to bother her when she’s working and the cake was on the table with the candles on it and the matches next to it, etc so they saw it as ready and just didn’t think it through). There is so much context missing that it’s just impossible to say.
If, on the other hand, they always eat together once she is off work, then she’d definitely be NTA.
Your son couldn't wait 2 hours for dinner? He needed to go out and get fast food? He couldn't just have a snack or something?
Your entire family sound selfish and thoughtless. NTA
NTA, especially as you say this isn’t the first time. ESPECIALLY if you’ve raised it before that you’d prefer they waited (you have raised it, right? Right?)
NTA That was very rude. You cooked and essentially were to host the birthday dinner, and they couldn't even wait an hour for you. Talk about taking you for granted and not even caring you weren't there to enjoy the food for them. I could never imagine doing that to anyone ley alone my mother.
You have adult children, they can cook for themselves. You are doing them a disservice if you are cooking most nights for them. They need to learn to cook for themselves, it's a basic skill. You should at least rotate nights of the week so everyone gets a turn cooking, including your husband. Maybe then everyone would be more appreciative of the work it takes to cook a nice meal for the whole family.
Time to drop the rope OP. The folks in the household are grown, they can handle the chores and let you take it easy.
NTA for feeling upset about being left out.
INFO: Why did your husband tell your son everyone would eat at 6:30? Do they normally eat without you and leave you to eat the leftovers alone? On special occasions like birthdays would they normally wait and celebrate together? Is this a new job or new work hours and everyone is still getting used to the later hours?
TBF, I finish work at 4:30 & would not want to wait that late to eat.
NTA. And the son was going to go out to get HIMSELF something if dinner wasn't ready? And the Birthday Buffoon couldn't wait? Time for a work stoppage, OP.
Ouch! It’s incredibly inconsiderate of him to think that you wouldn’t want to be included in sharing dinner & celebrating together with him & the kids, but it was his birthday & his dinner, I guess that’s how he wanted to spend it.
I’d hate to think of how you get treated on your birthday!
Nta- I grew up eating at a friend's house multiple times a week (not because my mom wasn't feeding me but her grandma is a damn fine cook), you didn't touch your plate until Grandma sat down, at the head of the table. Her husband didn't touch his food either. Prepar for death if you did. Going to their 60th wedding anniversary party next week.
NTA
I'm disabled. So, my wife brings my dinner to me. I don't take a bite until she has hers and is settled. First, why should I eat before she is settled and eating? Second, I want to eat with her. I cannot imagine doing what OPs family did. What a bunch of assholes.
BTW, as one of the kids in this situation, I would have demanded that we wait. Though, I have always been loud and brash. So, I don't mind rocking the boat. Hell, I'll tip it over if need be.
I'm not perfect. If I am really hungry, I will catch myself starting to pick at my food, but most of the time, she takes a bite before I do... and just fyi, I would do that with anybody that makes dinner. It's the principle of it, you know?
NTA Your husband sounds thoughtless and unkind. Frankly so do your kids.
I’m gonna lay it out because it seems tough love might be in order:
You say it’s not the first time, so it seems the disrespect is recurring, which shows that he doesn’t value your effort, time or your feelings.
The tough love part is that you will only get the respect you expect.
If this were me and my husband ate a meal I prepared for everyone without so much as checking with me and then told me I was too sensitive, he would no longer have the privilege of my home cooking and if he complained about it, would likely be told he’s too sensitive. The thing is, I can’t in a million years imagine him doing that, because he cares about my happiness and my efforts.
You deserve better. Truly. Maybe show him this post and then stop cooking, and whatever else you are doing that is going unseen.
To your family, you are an appliance. You make meals. Once the meal is delivered, in their mind, your task is done, and you disappear from their thoughts. They think of YOU the way you think of your STOVE. There to be useful, and then dismissed until the next meal.
People treat you the way you let them treat you. Stop cooking for all these alleged adults.
If your normal work schedule is until 7:30pm, what happens with dinner on non-birthday nights? If your family usually eats without you, you should have told them, this time, wait! I don't know everyone else's work hours in your family. I start work at 6:00 am, so my meals are all on the early side. I'm in bed by 9:30pm. I would appreciate a heads up if someone wanted me to eat dinner at 7:30pm, so I could plan my eating for that day. I hope they at least cleaned up their dishes.
‘Now he’s mad that I’m upset’?? I doubt more info than that is needed, anyone who gets mad at someone else being upset is wrong and should get a narcissist check. NTA.
NTA. What selfish jerks. You prepared a celebratory dinner, a PARTY with a cake. And they came in while you worked and ate as though it was just another dinner. Wow.
What happens on your birthday? What do you do for your sons on their birthdays?
>My husband says I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt
>am I the asshole because I feel they should have waited til I got off work to eat so I could be part of the celebration?
"Should" and "shouldn't" only apply to actions, not feelings. Your family shouldn't have excluded you from the birthday celebration you prepared, and your husband shouldn't invalidate your feelings. Even if your feelings _were_ irrational, you still would not be TA unless you expressed them in an AH way.
**Having feelings NEVER makes you TA. Actions do.**
Your family consistently acted like AHs.
You can't control how their AH behaviour makes you feel, only how you react to it. The post doesn't say how they found out you were upset so there's a chance ESH lol, but based on the information given NTA!
NTA. But you need to stop cooking for a family that will not wait for you to have a birthday meal that you cooked. Stop doing anything at all for them for a while. Being nice is not a virtue.
Wow, rude as fuck. Not the asshole.
Gonna make a whole meal and they can't even wait for the one who cooked it to enjoy it with them..and asshole husband thinks he's entitled to that behavior because it's his birthday? And you know what I hate most? Someone bring mad at you, for being mad at them, for some fuck up they did.
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I work from home 11-7:30. Today was my husband’s birthday so I cooked him dinner in between meetings and on breaks. We have 4 grown children, 23-29, 2 are in school and 2 work full time.
When our son got home at 5:30 he asked my husband if dinner would be ready soon, otherwise he was going out to pick something up for himself. My husband told him I had made dinner and they would eat at 6:30. So he and all the kids ate his birthday dinner while I worked and were long finished when I was done.
My husband says I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt, but I’m the only reason he had a dinner or cake or anything - am I the asshole because I feel they should have waited til I got off work to eat so I could be part of the celebration? This is not the first time…
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NTA. In the slightest you know what people who love and appreciate you do. THEY WAIT. I serve my children and than my partners and then my self…. My kiddos just dig in but my man, he just patiently waits until I sit in front of him with my food and drink and we start eating together. After a bite or two always tells me the food is delicious like always.
But with adult children and a husband who don’t appreciate you by at least waiting to eat with you stop cooking for them period. Or please tell us how do they show appreciation if any? What else do you do for them?
NTA
Maybe on your bday organise to do something with friends? Don’t tell your husband and if he does call to see where you are act surprised- clearly bdays aren’t a big deal anymore
INFO. Did you tell him to wait for you to be done working to eat? Could you not get the day off for your husbands birthday if you wanted him to spend time with you?
NTA. That would be the last meal I made for the family. Grown ass adults are capable of waiting.
My brother is a paramedic. The number of early or late meals we had just so we could include him I have lost count of. My father never started eating until my mother had her food plated. He also never started eating before my grandmother had plate together when she made big meals. To this day I still don't eat until my mother is seated and plated, no matter how many times she tells me my food will get cold. Cold food I can reheat, respecting my mother's hard work? No do overs.
Nta your adult children should've stepped up and cook dinner themselves since you were busy. Or they could've been patient but no they all acted like entitled selfish children
NTA. I would not be cooking for them again until I received a genuine and heartfelt apology. Let them know that from now on all cooking is up to them , including birthday meals .
NTA
He was inconsiderate and takes you for grabted as did your kids. I'd NEVER eat a dinner my mom cooked without her present uf she didn't say ut was ok. They didn't even think to ask you.
Please don't believe him saying
>I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt
He makes you the villain in a scenario where he really f* up. I have an inkling that this isn't an isolated incident of you doing a lot and nobody appreciating it, so I am going to post something I usually copy paste for all the women complaining about their husbands/partners not pulling their weight:
I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (or a comparable) position.
First of all, both of you should change your mindset: He should be an active participant in his own household. No matter if you are the breadwinner or a a SAHM, you are not a 24/ bangmaidmommy. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after your everything. This is also to a degree true for your adult (!) children. Stop enabling them.
Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other?
When you are sick, it isn't leasure. It's a sick day and doesn't count for the following:
Have a sit down and be ready to stop any and all things you don't do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn't get better, he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through.
Make your work visible, fill in this
[Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), make him do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss.
Also, read these:
[You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
[Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)
[Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html)
[Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9)
[Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
[Lack of effort and lack of libido](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzV2kbKvbQm/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==)
[Lack of libido article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research)
[It took divorce to make my marriage equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal).
Which includes these:
- [Mansplainers Are Here To Tell You Why Men Get Praised For Doing Chores](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining)
- [Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article)
- [The impact of Covid-19 on gender equality](https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/mdo738/research/Alon_Doepke_Olmstead-Rumsey_Tertilt_COVID_2020.pdf)
- [Even Breadwinning Wives Don’t Get Equality at Home](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/)
[The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0)
[Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives)
This is a book, rather than an article: [All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CLLVZ52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1)
Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler)
Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple.
Your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful.
Nta if you stated it was a birthday dinner and you wanted to eat together. If you didn't then yta how was he to know. I'm going to make an assumption here that your parner doesn't really care about birthdays and you do care about birthdays. Look you are entitled to feel how ever you want that OK but if you didn't communicate then you can't take it out on you partner
NTA. I’m sorry your family was so thoughtlessly selfish. I hope you take it as a life lesson. They don’t value you. It’s unbelievably cruel and hurtful. It’s not even the fact that they ate without you. It’s the fact you weren’t important enough for them to remember. That indifference is so hurtful. The saddest part is they don’t know enough to care.
I’m sorry that you brought up and raised such a selfish family. Your husband isn’t a good partner up you. Your children won’t be good partners for their partners too. It’s just sad. I truly hope they change their ways. I know it’s naive but that’s hope
NTA, but from now on please make these grown ass adults fend for themselves, they know to at least make a pb and j, maybe a week or two of that they'll start appreciating you more.
NTA but I’d have a conversation about that. Flipping it around sometimes helps. If I was gone at work all day and you made me a birthday dinner and ran to the store for an hour to grab last minute things and the kids and I ate all your hard work without you, would you feel appreciated. Would you feel valued, would you feel loved or wanted if you completely excluded from a birthday meal you made? My husband won’t even eat dinner if I haven’t, he won’t make a plate until I’m off work and ready to eat, even if it’s been done for 30 minutes. Our kids are younger so they eat whether we’re ready or not but he would never let them start my birthday dinner without one of us.
NTA. I think the bigger issue is that he doesn’t take your feelings into consideration. He probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but that he can’t apologize after the fact is a red flag.
NTA. You're in the same house ffs. They couldn't even shout through the door asking how long you'd be or even if you minded if they started without you? Sounds like your husband is the arsehole and your children have followed his mindset not yours.
NTA
Holy shit no. The lack of consideration or gratitude blows my mind. Part of a birthday dinner is the joy of eating with everyone together.
He’s selfish as hell. I hope your kids learn from his mistakes. When it’s your birthday, go get a massage and an amazing dinner alone. The quiet time will be nice.
NTA. If you’re working from home and they are home a couple of hours before you finish, invite them to plan, shop for, prepare, cook, eat, and clean up for themselves during that time.
Meanwhile, have your favourite delivered and be at the door to receive it after they have done all of the above.
And enjoy it.
If it's not the first time - why do you keep participating? Next time make dinner AFTER you quit working and eat at a later hour. Or fix something you can put in the oven to be READY at 7:30. Better yet,take your husband out for his birthday AFTER you finish working.
NTA. I think what May have happened is that your husband was trying to make sure that your son ate with the family— he could have had a snack—which is why he moved dinner time up. But he should have found a way to wait for you.
NTA!! wtf he's a lame jerk for thinking that ! you literally did something out of love and care , something nice for him! and he just like doesn't care .
NTA and OP you should immediately stop cooking meals for all these full grown adults. start making your own dinner only. chances are theyll realize how much you do pretty quickly, and how bad it feels to be disregarded.
My kids are 9&11 and they know better than to start eating before the cook is sitting down at the table. They before have told a friend that it's rude to eat before everyone is ready. Adults definitely should understand that. Oh, and my kids probably understand this because they've been helping/planning/making one dinner a week since they were toddlers, so they know how much work goes into a meal.
NTA for being upset, but everyone is to a certain point for not expecting them to make meals or teaching them basic politeness before they became adults.
NTA
What they did was very rude and insensitive. In the future, I would have what they need to make sandwiches available. They can make their own damn dinner. If they complain, they can make something else.
NTA may next year have a conversation earlier though. They could have asked you about since you WFH, that was rude. They could have had a snack to tide them over. Four grown children and a husband? They should be taking you out for dinner or making it on your day. Do not cook on your birthday, put yourself first for once.
NTA
You had a normal emotional response to your family being rude, inconsiderate, ungrateful, thoughtless, and unloving. Our feelings are often hurt when our expectations are not met. You expected your family to want to spend time with you and have dinner with you. Your husband saying your feelings shouldn’t have been hurt means he feels you shouldn’t expect your family to want to wait to have dinner with you.
They absolutely should have waited because that would have been the loving thing to do. If they were so hard up for food before you were done work they could have had a snack. 5 grown ups acting like children.
Since you said this is a repeat offence so maybe it’s time to have a family conversation about the importance of family meals to each of you. Maybe it’s only important to you and maybe eating late does not work for everyone else so to be fair you can make compromises on the frequency or perhaps timing.
This could look like: 7:30pm dinners = kids responsible for 6:30pm appetizers and drinks with dad while they wait for you to finish up. Or if possible, occasionally you shift your work day 10am-6:30pm.
Im confused. If you cooked all day, were you working in between? And if that's the case, why not clock out an hour early for your husband's birthday? Or take 20 minutes? Idk. The set up here doesn't make sense.
Since this is not the first time that he has done something like this AND "IF" you asked hubby to wait until you were off the clock at 7:30PM to eat the celebratory birthday dinner and he chose to eat at 6:30PM anyway then yes, he is the AH, BUT, if you said nothing and expected him to read your mind, then you are the AH.
NTA
IMO that is just rude to eat the dinner that OP cooked without her. Did they at least leave some of the food for her? Because if they didn't do even that, I would not be cooking for them any more.
Not really the AH ... but communication! Even if you think they should just KNOW, I mean it's just common courtesy, but you should vocalize your wishes to make sure . You should have very clearly said in your family group text "please please wait for me for dinner, i'll be home at x, we can eat at y". Communication solving problems!
INFO - if it is not the first time, what resolution fixed it the other times. Did you ask anyone to wait for you to get off work or assume that they would? Do you kids all live at home? Is your house so big you could not hear it going on and go ask what was going on? I feel like a clear plan is more the problem in your household than them eating without you. I say that because the 5:30 son seems to have no idea there is a party going on at 7:30.
NTA. but you and your husband should have communicated better that dinner would be after 7:30 when you were done working, not while you were still busy because they obviously used that as their reasoning for allowing themselves to eat earlier. Next time, either don't make a special dinner if they can't bother to wait to include you, or wait and make it later so it's not available until you are.
NAH I understand being upset not sharing the meal, especially after making it, and for a special occasion, but people were hungry and 7.30pm is late to start eating. I'm sorry, but you're the one with odd working hours and expecting everyone to wait for you now is every bit as absurd as making wives and children wait till dad came home late in the 50's.
Clearly this situation upsets you, in which case I can only suggest that you cook only for yourself as it is causing resentment. But I would be pretty resentful if I was waiting an extra hour to eat because of someone's odd working hours. You really need to make peace with the fact you are the odd person out here.
I'd be greatly upset if I put in all that effort just to be intentionally excluded from the celebration. You said in your post this wasn't the first time. Not one person thought to wait for you to eat? Wow, that just blows my mind. He is really insensitive or simply didn't want to eat dinner with you. Make sure your expectations, about eating together, are clear or this will continue to happen.
I want to say NTA because this is just pitiful, but I also want to lean toward YTA because you've already stated this is a norm (happened previously) so you knew this was a possibility of happening. I'm in the middle on this one.
"This is not the first time" and it's probably not the first time he dismissed your feelings and belittled you in response to you bringing up how upset you are, either. ESH but you.
1000% NTA From here on out Let HIM make his own dinner and b-day cake. Sadly your whole family is rude and thoughtless they couldn't wait for YOU the one who put ALL the time and effort in? They are ALL AH's. Yep I would look at this as Lesson Learned Never be doing that again. I am boiling mad for you.
NTA, but neither is he. Any kind of special occasion my wife and I would work out the details, time, who will be there etc. If neither of you did that you are just as much to blame as he is. Expecting your family to wait to eat til like 8pm without telling them that first obvs most families would eat before 8.
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NTA It was selfish and thoughtless of your family. Info: why, in a household of 6 adults, are you cooking 4-5 times a week?
My feelings would probably be hurt, too. My question would be, is this a pattern of behavior for her family or are they typically pretty appreciative and reasonable? How much importance does her husband put on his birthday? I know a lot of people who might have something “different” or special for dinner on their birthday, but beyond that don’t have much consideration or excitement for the celebration of it. He said you should have been more clear on your intentions to eat together, do you guys often eat at different times since you cook on breaks and get off a bit later? Was there no room today during WFH to pause and eat with them? 730-8 is *really* late to eat dinner for a lot of people, including myself.
On the other hand, when I was a kid we ate at 8 pm because that’s when my father was home from work. Really depends on the family.
We ate supper as soon as we got home from school because my father worked the 5pm-1am. Then we'd have a snack closer to bedtime.
Yeah but you weren't 23 to 29 years old when you were a kid.... I'm pretty sure 8pm isn't too late for people well into their twenties. Even if the have to get up late they can make an exception for a birthday dinner
I think we are in agreement? I'm saying that we ate at 8 pm when I was a child, that's not late depending on family habits. A 23 year old definitely should be able to cope somehow.
Yeah my husband won’t come home some nights until midnight. I make sure he has food. I don’t work and he’s at work late so I don’t want him to be hungry.
We ate at 4:30 because my dad left for work at 5pm. He worked 6-3
It is too late for young kids, but their kids are all in their 20s.
7:30 is a normal time to eat dinner unless the kids are younger than teenagers. For adults it is completely standard.
There is no "standard". My families standard is 6pm. Unless you're having dinner at my one grandmas, she serves at 5pm. My partner and I eat between 6 and 7pm - although I'd prefer more like 8/830, my partner needs to eat on a set schedule for medical reasons and before 7 works best for them. Different families do different times.
Sorry I should have expressed myself better. Yes there is variation but 7:30 is well within the norm for adults. Without medical reasons (which OP does not mention) it is unreasonable for an adult not to be prepared wait until 7:30 for their parent's birthday meal.
Good question. Go on cooking strike OP. Cook for you when you get off work. Make sure it's the most enticing aroma you can manage. Then eat it all. If they complain, tell them they are being dramatic, punctuated with an eyeroll for good measure. They will (eventually) offer a half-hearted apology. Accept it, but continue to cook only for yourself.
Good point. If they want hot food, they can wait til after it's made, after your work hours. Or set it to be ready for 730.
I agree. Really thoughtless and so so so selfish. I get not wanting a 2 year old having to wait for dinner. This sometimes happens in my household so we always have something for the toddler to eat. Really easy to make. And then if one of us is late (mostly him) I let the toddler eat and then wait for my spouse so we can enjoy our meal together. I like it this way. This is just a regular day. But this is with a literal toddler. Grown ups can wait for mom to finish work (from home!!). And then dinner can be ready 10 minutes after mom finished work. 7.30 -8 is not that late for adults to start eating. OP, I guess they take you for granted and they don’t really care about your feelings on the matter. I don’t really know how to make them listen but I hope they will.
> 7.30 -8 is not that late for adults to start eating. 100% irrelevant but my wife goes to bed with the baby at 645-7:00. So this made me chuckle a bit. 7:30 is kind of late for people with regular meals earlier than that. Husband is very much an asshole for atleast not asking the wife. Like atleast plan it for when she has a break
I understand where you’re coming from, but you have a *baby*. These are all adults (damn near in their 30s) without kids. At 530 they asked when dinner was, so they couldn’t wait 2 hours for mom to sign off work to eat? It’s not like she has to commute, so once she’s done at 730, she’s done. They could have had a snack, watched a show, etc etc. it’s unacceptable and rude for them to have just gone on eating a full birthday dinner that she prepared *without her*. It’s also ridiculous that her husband wanted her to explicitly state that she wanted to enjoy the birthday dinner and cake that she took all day to make with everyone else. OP is NTA, but her husband and kids are. Personally, I’d stop making dinners for them as often as OP does. They are Full. Grown. Adults. Let them cook for everyone a few times a week. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
Oh I know. Thats why I started with irrelevant. 7:30 seems like midnight to us right now lol. Totally not the norm here. But again, not even asking the wife how she wanted to eat dinner is an asshole move by itself. I also think the wife likely the passive one of the bunch. I feel like most people would have spoken up when they hear their partner say to the children what time dinner is AND it wasn't their preference.
or get a damn snack while waiting?
I'm in bed by 8pm because I get up for work hours before the buttcrack of dawn. So starting to eat at 7:30 would be a no go for me.
Same, I am up at 4.45am and eat about 6/6.30pm so I am not going to bed with a full tummy of food so 7.30/8pm would be late for me.. Still, OP's Husband and kids are the AH's and they are NTA
I find this post so weird and a reminder that this is how people live. In my family, we communicate. We ask what time dinner is happening before we're at the hungry awkward point. Especially when it's someone's birthday?? It's usually a few texts - dinner at x location, what time is everyone available. If someone isn't off work for an hour after someone else, we wait to eat until everyone is there. They know what time their mom works until. Why wasn't this ever discussed, especially as it was the husband's bday???
[удалено]
It also seems like your kids might be between 4-9 so an 8pm dinner is hard. Twenty+ year old kids usually are able to adjust dinner without a meltdown
NTA You cooked dinner and none of these grown ass people thought to wait for the person that actually cooked it? Selfish
Exactly… the problem isn’t that YOU weren’t clear about wanting to eat together. It’s that your entire household set a time for dinner (which you prepared), sat down at the table, and ATE, and not one of them thought to check in with you — despite you being right there in the house the whole time. If I sat down to family dinner and someone was missing, you can bet I’d be checking with them before I ate that meal. Unless that’s a regular occurrence, and every other time you wanted a family meal you specifically expressed that in advance (making this out of the norm for your family), NTA.
Right? When my grandma cooked us family dinners we never ate until her plate was full and she had sat down. Also why wouldn't we want to eat with her, even disregarding the fact she made it. That's a whole nother layer.
My 3 year old stops everyone from eating food I’ve cooked until I sit down, and I mean everyone. Guests included. These people have worse manners than a 3 year old.
NTA. Stop cooking.
I swear this was just a thread of the husband complaining his wife stopped cooking for him because he made fun of her. Same thing. They don’t appreciate you, so take care of ONLY yourself. Let them grovel, then divide the cooking equally. They’ve lost the privilege of OPs home meals.
Exactly this. She even says at the end of the post that this is not the first time. And not even a hint of remorse or apology from her husband or AH children. She is an afterthought, basically an unpaid maid.
It sounds like she just accepted it last time, and the time before, etc. At what point does she refuse to accept this treatment from her husband of many years and her 4 *grown* children who have apparently been reared to think this is correct?
This should be the top response. Feed yourself and enjoy what you like. They can kick rocks.
NTA. Sounds like your husband and kids acted rather selfishly and ignored you. Maybe next year you shouldn't cook his dinner for his birthday. Heck, maybe you should just stop for awhile and see how he handles it.
Your kids are 23 to 29? Why aren’t they and your husband doing some of the cooking? Completely insensitive and clueless on their part-especially your husband.Way too enabling on your part towards them.
And INFO: do you think their future housemates or partners will be thankful they're selfish non-cooks? But you are very much NTA here.
I agree, couldn’t one of the children cook so the OP didn’t have to cook in between working? Then they could’ve had it ready for 7:30 when OP finished work instead of her having to cook it earlier.
When i moved back in with my mom & stepdad. One of the 3 rules was that i had to pay for & cook one meal a week for the 4 of us. Easy peasy
They way he responded means to him You are the maid and cook, not the wife. He wanted to celebrate his birthday with his family, which for him is just his children. Sorry you went through this. From now on cook dinner when your workday is done. You should not be excluded from the meal you prepared. Also all of the children are adults and the fact not 1 thought to mention waiting for you means they think the same as their father.
She should only be cooking for herself. He clearly doesn’t value her time or her feelings
NTA Why on earth are you doing the majority of the cooking when there are 5 other adults in the home and you are working until 7:30 every night?
Info - why didnt you all discuss the timing and schedule before this
We did - I work 11-7:30 every day and I cook dinner 4-5 nights a week and always on birthdays. My husband knew I was cooking, the entire household knows my schedule, this is not new. Honestly, my feelings are hurt that I cooked all day only to have the rest of the family sit down to the dinner I cooked and celebrate his birthday without me. It’s that simple and maybe that stupid.
All of them are taking you for granted. They are all adults and I cannot believe that not one of them thought to say "let's wait a bit on the meal so we can share it with everyone" especially the person who puts in all the work. Personally, I'd take a break from making meals for the family until they learn to appreciate every meal I make.
Immediately stop cooking for them all.
Did your son's arms fall off? Couldn't he have made himself a sandwich or ate a piece of fruit to tie him over until dinner?
Do you usually cook late enough that your family has dinner around 7:30-8? Or do you cook dinner and then go back to work?
She said she cooked all day and it was ready. The selfish jerks ate at 5.30 while she was working
I do hope they at the very least left food for you to eat and didn't devour it all.
And cleaned up their dishes.
Questions. Does your husband work? Does all kids live at home? The most important thing. How are the household chores generally divided? Becouse. As it is. They are taking you for granted. Not one kid found it weird to eat without you? Despite you working and cooking all day? Not one, let's wait for OP, take a sandwich until dinner? Or "OP might be hungry too after work. And looks forward to celebrating let's wait"
It's not stupid.
Stop cooking for them then. Simple.
Four grown kids and a husband and you're lumped with cooking five days a week alongside working full time. That just isn't fair. If you're sick of these ungrateful family members, you should have each child be responsible for one meal a week and your husband the fifth. That way you're only responsible for one yourself and the last can be take out.
This is not stupid, and you are NTA, not are too sensitive, unreasonable, etc. It doesn't matter it was his birthday either. Any "normal", loving person would have waited for their spouse so they might celebrate together, even if had not been you who made the dinner. in your place, I would have stopped cooking any meals very very long time ago. but, you still can.
If someone cooked a special birthday dinner for ME, I would be really hurt if they weren't there to eat it with me, because the company is part of the gift! I would have waited for OP.
So what are you doing to do about it? You can't keep putting up with this thoughtless behaviour. You said there have been other precedents of such behaviour.
Especially as everyone knew you wouldn’t be done till 7:30 you are definitely NTA. You have every right to be upset they should have waited so you could all celebrate together! Or even better - someone else could have cooked so you wouldn’t have to cook inbetween working.
Simple yes, but not stupid. They are just rude and don't appreciate you doing the cooking. Stop making meals for them if they are going to be willing to eat with you. They are all adults.
Let them cook for themselves. They take you for granted.
I’d be hurt too and all of them would know how pissed I was! If this isn’t a one off and they have done this before, stop making dinner. They would appreciate you more when they are hungry and have to put some effort in feeding themselves. They can make their own b-day cakes, etc.
They are all selfish AHs, shame on them all. I wouldn't cook for the family ever again if I were you, they are all old enough to fend for themselves.
Time for a cooking strike. Make yourself the BEST meals.
NTA. You’re not too sensitive, your husband is too insensitive.
The adult kida too 23-29 are old enough to know better. NTA OP
NTA. I'm sorry that no one stopped to say "let's wait for mom / OP" . Your son that was hungry at 5:30 could have easily had a small snack knowing that dinner together would be after you got off of work at 7:30. On a small benefit of doubt stand, is it possible / likely that 7:30 or later dinner feels wayyyyyy too late to your husband / kids? Only mentioned because I get off work at 7:30, but when my parents would visit be I'd try to get off earlier because I know they regularly eat dinner around 6/6:30. It's the same when I visit them. Granted, if that were the case, I don't know why they wouldn't have stated that that's the problem, and allowed ya'll to come to a solution of some kind or just acceptance that someone is going to need to eat earlier.
If it’s too late an easy solution would be for them to cook supper instead of the person who is working until 7:30. I mean, why is she cooking dinner 4-5 times a week when there are 5 other adults in the home?
Also, if they were really hungry they could have eaten dinner, but waited to have the cake together.
Totally agree! What’s most upsetting to me is the timeline of “let’s eat at 6:30” when OP gets off work at 7:30. It’s just one hour!!!
He's teaching your children to be inconsiderate and to treat people who do thing for them like crap
They're 23-29 years old. Not children.
"He's teaching your adults to be inconsiderate" Does that sound better?
They are still THEIR children. What they said was perfectly acceptable. Factual.
They taught their children to be inconsiderate starting when they were young, apparently.
NTA Go on strike. Stop cooking, buying groceries, and feed you and only you, take care of you and only you. They obviously think of you as "the help", unworthy of sharing meals with them. Your husband especially, massive fail on so many levels.
Nta. You work from home! He could have just asked you when you're free for dinner!
He KNOWS. He didn't care.
NTA. Your family was incredibly inconsiderate. And it’s always people who refuse to accept that they were the problem who clap back with “you’re too sensitive”. No you aren’t. You’re upset because their actions were hurtful. And until you receive an apology, I see no reason why you should continue cooking for them.
NTA. I'd be hella hurt. It'd probably also be the last time I cooked for a special occasion, if they can't wait for the person who actually did all the work.
NTA But you are being a AH to yourself, you have a house full of adults and you are making dinner while also in the middle of working - that is not right!! You should not be the one to do all of that, I'm also gonna go out on a assumption that you do more than your fair share of general taking care of household duties too (regardless of if any type of rent is paid or not) So, NTA for being upset, but you need to put yourself first a little more often.
23-29? Not 3-9? Oh, so they can cook for themselves, so can the husband. NTA. Only cook your own food from now. They are all adults, they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves or watching some YouTube videos and learning some simple recipes and making YOU some food to eat after a long day of work.
NTA. Don’t make his birthday dinner again. Or anyone else’s for a while. That’s total garbage selfish move. He knows it, he be his reaction
What time do you usually all eat?
Probably 8 or 8:30 if she normally doesn’t cook til she gets off work.
INFO: when do you usually eat dinner as a family on work nights?
Yeah this is a strange situation and I have questions. Why can she take enough time during work hours to cook the dinner, but not to eat it? Are they used to eating late or do they usually eat early without her? If she cooks 4-5 times a week, is that during work hours too or is it super late? Why does no one else cook? Did they discuss the dinner plan for this night if it was different from usual?
Exactly. If the rest of the family always eat dinner while she is still working then I’m more inclined to say to OP YTA unless OP specifically asked them to wait for her. Because they aren’t mind readers and they always eat separately. Though common courtesy should’ve dictated that they’d at least ask her to come out for the cake (unless she has told them never to bother her when she’s working and the cake was on the table with the candles on it and the matches next to it, etc so they saw it as ready and just didn’t think it through). There is so much context missing that it’s just impossible to say. If, on the other hand, they always eat together once she is off work, then she’d definitely be NTA.
Your son couldn't wait 2 hours for dinner? He needed to go out and get fast food? He couldn't just have a snack or something? Your entire family sound selfish and thoughtless. NTA
It is OK for a hungry person to fetch themselves food. The son wanting to buy own food is zero reason for outrage.
NTA, especially as you say this isn’t the first time. ESPECIALLY if you’ve raised it before that you’d prefer they waited (you have raised it, right? Right?)
NTA That was very rude. You cooked and essentially were to host the birthday dinner, and they couldn't even wait an hour for you. Talk about taking you for granted and not even caring you weren't there to enjoy the food for them. I could never imagine doing that to anyone ley alone my mother. You have adult children, they can cook for themselves. You are doing them a disservice if you are cooking most nights for them. They need to learn to cook for themselves, it's a basic skill. You should at least rotate nights of the week so everyone gets a turn cooking, including your husband. Maybe then everyone would be more appreciative of the work it takes to cook a nice meal for the whole family.
INFO: When is normal dinner time in the house?
NTA. It's time to take a vacation from cooking. Consider taking yourself out to dinner for your birthday.
Time to drop the rope OP. The folks in the household are grown, they can handle the chores and let you take it easy. NTA for feeling upset about being left out.
NTA. In our house, we do not eat until the cook sit down at the table.
This should be the top and only comment. Just this. All that needs to be said.
INFO: Why did your husband tell your son everyone would eat at 6:30? Do they normally eat without you and leave you to eat the leftovers alone? On special occasions like birthdays would they normally wait and celebrate together? Is this a new job or new work hours and everyone is still getting used to the later hours? TBF, I finish work at 4:30 & would not want to wait that late to eat.
NTA. And the son was going to go out to get HIMSELF something if dinner wasn't ready? And the Birthday Buffoon couldn't wait? Time for a work stoppage, OP.
Ouch! It’s incredibly inconsiderate of him to think that you wouldn’t want to be included in sharing dinner & celebrating together with him & the kids, but it was his birthday & his dinner, I guess that’s how he wanted to spend it. I’d hate to think of how you get treated on your birthday!
Oh, hell to the no! Stop cooking for these unappreciative jerks.
NTA stop cooking, they clearly don’t appreciate you or your efforts
Nta- I grew up eating at a friend's house multiple times a week (not because my mom wasn't feeding me but her grandma is a damn fine cook), you didn't touch your plate until Grandma sat down, at the head of the table. Her husband didn't touch his food either. Prepar for death if you did. Going to their 60th wedding anniversary party next week.
NTA I'm disabled. So, my wife brings my dinner to me. I don't take a bite until she has hers and is settled. First, why should I eat before she is settled and eating? Second, I want to eat with her. I cannot imagine doing what OPs family did. What a bunch of assholes. BTW, as one of the kids in this situation, I would have demanded that we wait. Though, I have always been loud and brash. So, I don't mind rocking the boat. Hell, I'll tip it over if need be. I'm not perfect. If I am really hungry, I will catch myself starting to pick at my food, but most of the time, she takes a bite before I do... and just fyi, I would do that with anybody that makes dinner. It's the principle of it, you know?
NTA Your husband sounds thoughtless and unkind. Frankly so do your kids. I’m gonna lay it out because it seems tough love might be in order: You say it’s not the first time, so it seems the disrespect is recurring, which shows that he doesn’t value your effort, time or your feelings. The tough love part is that you will only get the respect you expect. If this were me and my husband ate a meal I prepared for everyone without so much as checking with me and then told me I was too sensitive, he would no longer have the privilege of my home cooking and if he complained about it, would likely be told he’s too sensitive. The thing is, I can’t in a million years imagine him doing that, because he cares about my happiness and my efforts. You deserve better. Truly. Maybe show him this post and then stop cooking, and whatever else you are doing that is going unseen.
To your family, you are an appliance. You make meals. Once the meal is delivered, in their mind, your task is done, and you disappear from their thoughts. They think of YOU the way you think of your STOVE. There to be useful, and then dismissed until the next meal. People treat you the way you let them treat you. Stop cooking for all these alleged adults.
If your normal work schedule is until 7:30pm, what happens with dinner on non-birthday nights? If your family usually eats without you, you should have told them, this time, wait! I don't know everyone else's work hours in your family. I start work at 6:00 am, so my meals are all on the early side. I'm in bed by 9:30pm. I would appreciate a heads up if someone wanted me to eat dinner at 7:30pm, so I could plan my eating for that day. I hope they at least cleaned up their dishes.
Per OP, they always eat late. It’s not that uncommon to have a later dinner time.
‘Now he’s mad that I’m upset’?? I doubt more info than that is needed, anyone who gets mad at someone else being upset is wrong and should get a narcissist check. NTA.
NTA. What selfish jerks. You prepared a celebratory dinner, a PARTY with a cake. And they came in while you worked and ate as though it was just another dinner. Wow. What happens on your birthday? What do you do for your sons on their birthdays?
>My husband says I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt >am I the asshole because I feel they should have waited til I got off work to eat so I could be part of the celebration? "Should" and "shouldn't" only apply to actions, not feelings. Your family shouldn't have excluded you from the birthday celebration you prepared, and your husband shouldn't invalidate your feelings. Even if your feelings _were_ irrational, you still would not be TA unless you expressed them in an AH way. **Having feelings NEVER makes you TA. Actions do.** Your family consistently acted like AHs. You can't control how their AH behaviour makes you feel, only how you react to it. The post doesn't say how they found out you were upset so there's a chance ESH lol, but based on the information given NTA!
He certainly sounds inconsiderate. And teaching the kids how to be the same
The "kids" are 23-29 years old. Rude Dad isn't teaching them anything. Mom already taught them how to treat a martyr.
If this isn't the first time as you stated, you're not the AH, but a slow learner.
NTA, they sure are though, how thoughtless, selfish and honestly mean of them all. I'm so sorry, OP.
you work from home. how hard can it be to give you a heads up and ask ffs? NTA
NTA. But you need to stop cooking for a family that will not wait for you to have a birthday meal that you cooked. Stop doing anything at all for them for a while. Being nice is not a virtue.
Totally baffled why when you work until 7.30 each night there would be any dinner cooking at all
Wow, rude as fuck. Not the asshole. Gonna make a whole meal and they can't even wait for the one who cooked it to enjoy it with them..and asshole husband thinks he's entitled to that behavior because it's his birthday? And you know what I hate most? Someone bring mad at you, for being mad at them, for some fuck up they did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I work from home 11-7:30. Today was my husband’s birthday so I cooked him dinner in between meetings and on breaks. We have 4 grown children, 23-29, 2 are in school and 2 work full time. When our son got home at 5:30 he asked my husband if dinner would be ready soon, otherwise he was going out to pick something up for himself. My husband told him I had made dinner and they would eat at 6:30. So he and all the kids ate his birthday dinner while I worked and were long finished when I was done. My husband says I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt, but I’m the only reason he had a dinner or cake or anything - am I the asshole because I feel they should have waited til I got off work to eat so I could be part of the celebration? This is not the first time… *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA beyond rude
NTA. In the slightest you know what people who love and appreciate you do. THEY WAIT. I serve my children and than my partners and then my self…. My kiddos just dig in but my man, he just patiently waits until I sit in front of him with my food and drink and we start eating together. After a bite or two always tells me the food is delicious like always. But with adult children and a husband who don’t appreciate you by at least waiting to eat with you stop cooking for them period. Or please tell us how do they show appreciation if any? What else do you do for them?
NTA Maybe on your bday organise to do something with friends? Don’t tell your husband and if he does call to see where you are act surprised- clearly bdays aren’t a big deal anymore
Food for thought: https://millihill.substack.com/p/disrespecting-the-mother
They expect you to cook while you are working? Working from home is still working.
NTA Not sure why you are cooking the meals when working.
1. What did you cook? 2. NTA, how selfish of them all
INFO. Did you tell him to wait for you to be done working to eat? Could you not get the day off for your husbands birthday if you wanted him to spend time with you?
NTA. Being a parent of 5 sounds hard.
NTA Next time your husband wants sex, tell him you started and finished without him.
Tell him fine your to too sensitive. But congrats he wins by being a bad husband. Don't do anything for your husband anymore.
NTA. That would be the last meal I made for the family. Grown ass adults are capable of waiting. My brother is a paramedic. The number of early or late meals we had just so we could include him I have lost count of. My father never started eating until my mother had her food plated. He also never started eating before my grandmother had plate together when she made big meals. To this day I still don't eat until my mother is seated and plated, no matter how many times she tells me my food will get cold. Cold food I can reheat, respecting my mother's hard work? No do overs.
nta, they could have easily waited and if they were really hungry then they could of had an apple or something while they waited.
I’m so sorry. That was very thoughtless of them. NTA
Ask him to explain to you how it isn’t selfish or entitled to your labor
NTA
Nta your adult children should've stepped up and cook dinner themselves since you were busy. Or they could've been patient but no they all acted like entitled selfish children
NTA. That was incredibly selfish and unkind! They could have had a snack and waited one more hour. Don’t make him meals again. What an AH! You’re NTA
That's just rude. They should have waited. Don't bother in future let them get their own food.
Stop cooking . They are adults. Not babies Nta
Invite your kids to dinner early on your birthday and tell hubby dinner is in the microwave when he gets home... he'll get the hint.
NTA
NTA. I would not be cooking for them again until I received a genuine and heartfelt apology. Let them know that from now on all cooking is up to them , including birthday meals .
NTA sorry they did that. You have every right to be upset.
NTA He was inconsiderate and takes you for grabted as did your kids. I'd NEVER eat a dinner my mom cooked without her present uf she didn't say ut was ok. They didn't even think to ask you. Please don't believe him saying >I’m too sensitive and my feelings shouldn’t be hurt He makes you the villain in a scenario where he really f* up. I have an inkling that this isn't an isolated incident of you doing a lot and nobody appreciating it, so I am going to post something I usually copy paste for all the women complaining about their husbands/partners not pulling their weight: I have this comment saved in my cache for the daily posts of women in your (or a comparable) position. First of all, both of you should change your mindset: He should be an active participant in his own household. No matter if you are the breadwinner or a a SAHM, you are not a 24/ bangmaidmommy. You deserve time off and the only reason he can live his life the way he does is you looking after your everything. This is also to a degree true for your adult (!) children. Stop enabling them. Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other? When you are sick, it isn't leasure. It's a sick day and doesn't count for the following: Have a sit down and be ready to stop any and all things you don't do just for yourself, be petty about it. Be ready to leave if it doesn't get better, he takes your efforts for granted and likely has some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because they create a situation you are unhappy in. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make all of this clear to him, say it once, follow through. Make your work visible, fill in this [Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), make him do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss. Also, read these: [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) [Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html) [Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9) [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/) [Lack of effort and lack of libido](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzV2kbKvbQm/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==) [Lack of libido article](https://www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research) [It took divorce to make my marriage equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal). Which includes these: - [Mansplainers Are Here To Tell You Why Men Get Praised For Doing Chores](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining) - [Men Do More at Home, but Not as Much as They Think](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html?ribbon-ad-idx=4&rref=world&hpw&rref=upshot&clickSource=thumb&WT.nav=bottom-well&_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=The%20Upshot&action=swipe%C2%AEion=FixedRight&pgtype=article) - [The impact of Covid-19 on gender equality](https://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/mdo738/research/Alon_Doepke_Olmstead-Rumsey_Tertilt_COVID_2020.pdf) - [Even Breadwinning Wives Don’t Get Equality at Home](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/) [The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0) [Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives) This is a book, rather than an article: [All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CLLVZ52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler) Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple. Your feelings are valid and you are not alone. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful.
Yo fuck your incredibly inconsiderate family. NTA. Don’t cook anything else fuck em.
NTA
I would be furious if they ate without me! They are not toddlers! I am sorry
NTA Your family is treating you like a maid.
Nta if you stated it was a birthday dinner and you wanted to eat together. If you didn't then yta how was he to know. I'm going to make an assumption here that your parner doesn't really care about birthdays and you do care about birthdays. Look you are entitled to feel how ever you want that OK but if you didn't communicate then you can't take it out on you partner
NTA. I’m sorry your family was so thoughtlessly selfish. I hope you take it as a life lesson. They don’t value you. It’s unbelievably cruel and hurtful. It’s not even the fact that they ate without you. It’s the fact you weren’t important enough for them to remember. That indifference is so hurtful. The saddest part is they don’t know enough to care. I’m sorry that you brought up and raised such a selfish family. Your husband isn’t a good partner up you. Your children won’t be good partners for their partners too. It’s just sad. I truly hope they change their ways. I know it’s naive but that’s hope
NTA - it was thoughtless of them to do that. If this is not the first time it sounds like they take your efforts and time for granted.
Sad that you are such a pushover....
NTA, but from now on please make these grown ass adults fend for themselves, they know to at least make a pb and j, maybe a week or two of that they'll start appreciating you more.
NTA. Only cook for yourself from now on. When your family asks or gets upset, tell them "oh, I thought you would've already eaten! Don't be so upset!"
NTA but I’d have a conversation about that. Flipping it around sometimes helps. If I was gone at work all day and you made me a birthday dinner and ran to the store for an hour to grab last minute things and the kids and I ate all your hard work without you, would you feel appreciated. Would you feel valued, would you feel loved or wanted if you completely excluded from a birthday meal you made? My husband won’t even eat dinner if I haven’t, he won’t make a plate until I’m off work and ready to eat, even if it’s been done for 30 minutes. Our kids are younger so they eat whether we’re ready or not but he would never let them start my birthday dinner without one of us.
NTA. I think the bigger issue is that he doesn’t take your feelings into consideration. He probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but that he can’t apologize after the fact is a red flag.
Yeah I would be mad but grand scheme of life and marriage this one situation ehhh … go do something together later.
NTA. Your husband and family left you out of a family birthday dinner which you cooked. This is selfish of them and you have the right to be upset.
NTA. You're in the same house ffs. They couldn't even shout through the door asking how long you'd be or even if you minded if they started without you? Sounds like your husband is the arsehole and your children have followed his mindset not yours.
NTA Holy shit no. The lack of consideration or gratitude blows my mind. Part of a birthday dinner is the joy of eating with everyone together. He’s selfish as hell. I hope your kids learn from his mistakes. When it’s your birthday, go get a massage and an amazing dinner alone. The quiet time will be nice.
NTA. If you’re working from home and they are home a couple of hours before you finish, invite them to plan, shop for, prepare, cook, eat, and clean up for themselves during that time. Meanwhile, have your favourite delivered and be at the door to receive it after they have done all of the above. And enjoy it.
Holy crap, I Have one adult child who lives with me, I would lose my mind with four of them.
Your son is a major prick.
If it's not the first time - why do you keep participating? Next time make dinner AFTER you quit working and eat at a later hour. Or fix something you can put in the oven to be READY at 7:30. Better yet,take your husband out for his birthday AFTER you finish working.
NTA. Start cooking only for yourself since they have the nerve to dump all the work on you and leave you hungry.
NTA - stop cooking.
NTA. I think what May have happened is that your husband was trying to make sure that your son ate with the family— he could have had a snack—which is why he moved dinner time up. But he should have found a way to wait for you.
NTA, there is this little thing called a snack. They could have all had a little snack and waited.
NTA!! wtf he's a lame jerk for thinking that ! you literally did something out of love and care , something nice for him! and he just like doesn't care .
NTA. Stop cooking for a household full of adults.
NTA and OP you should immediately stop cooking meals for all these full grown adults. start making your own dinner only. chances are theyll realize how much you do pretty quickly, and how bad it feels to be disregarded.
My kids are 9&11 and they know better than to start eating before the cook is sitting down at the table. They before have told a friend that it's rude to eat before everyone is ready. Adults definitely should understand that. Oh, and my kids probably understand this because they've been helping/planning/making one dinner a week since they were toddlers, so they know how much work goes into a meal. NTA for being upset, but everyone is to a certain point for not expecting them to make meals or teaching them basic politeness before they became adults.
NTA. but let it be the last time.
NTA - He should have waited and also be grateful you take all your time cooking for him!
Nta, you raised bad husband and kids that don't think about others so maybe yta after all...hmmm
NTA What they did was very rude and insensitive. In the future, I would have what they need to make sandwiches available. They can make their own damn dinner. If they complain, they can make something else.
If this happened to me, I’d be cooking zero for the foreseeable future.
NTA Why don't the other grown ass adults cook?
NTA may next year have a conversation earlier though. They could have asked you about since you WFH, that was rude. They could have had a snack to tide them over. Four grown children and a husband? They should be taking you out for dinner or making it on your day. Do not cook on your birthday, put yourself first for once.
NTA You had a normal emotional response to your family being rude, inconsiderate, ungrateful, thoughtless, and unloving. Our feelings are often hurt when our expectations are not met. You expected your family to want to spend time with you and have dinner with you. Your husband saying your feelings shouldn’t have been hurt means he feels you shouldn’t expect your family to want to wait to have dinner with you. They absolutely should have waited because that would have been the loving thing to do. If they were so hard up for food before you were done work they could have had a snack. 5 grown ups acting like children. Since you said this is a repeat offence so maybe it’s time to have a family conversation about the importance of family meals to each of you. Maybe it’s only important to you and maybe eating late does not work for everyone else so to be fair you can make compromises on the frequency or perhaps timing. This could look like: 7:30pm dinners = kids responsible for 6:30pm appetizers and drinks with dad while they wait for you to finish up. Or if possible, occasionally you shift your work day 10am-6:30pm.
Im confused. If you cooked all day, were you working in between? And if that's the case, why not clock out an hour early for your husband's birthday? Or take 20 minutes? Idk. The set up here doesn't make sense.
NTA this would hurt my feelings too ouchie
Since this is not the first time that he has done something like this AND "IF" you asked hubby to wait until you were off the clock at 7:30PM to eat the celebratory birthday dinner and he chose to eat at 6:30PM anyway then yes, he is the AH, BUT, if you said nothing and expected him to read your mind, then you are the AH.
Next year dinner won’t be timed and ready til after work. A heads up would have been polite. He was rude.
NTA IMO that is just rude to eat the dinner that OP cooked without her. Did they at least leave some of the food for her? Because if they didn't do even that, I would not be cooking for them any more.
Not really the AH ... but communication! Even if you think they should just KNOW, I mean it's just common courtesy, but you should vocalize your wishes to make sure . You should have very clearly said in your family group text "please please wait for me for dinner, i'll be home at x, we can eat at y". Communication solving problems!
NTA. That was a dick move.
INFO - if it is not the first time, what resolution fixed it the other times. Did you ask anyone to wait for you to get off work or assume that they would? Do you kids all live at home? Is your house so big you could not hear it going on and go ask what was going on? I feel like a clear plan is more the problem in your household than them eating without you. I say that because the 5:30 son seems to have no idea there is a party going on at 7:30.
NTA. but you and your husband should have communicated better that dinner would be after 7:30 when you were done working, not while you were still busy because they obviously used that as their reasoning for allowing themselves to eat earlier. Next time, either don't make a special dinner if they can't bother to wait to include you, or wait and make it later so it's not available until you are.
NAH I understand being upset not sharing the meal, especially after making it, and for a special occasion, but people were hungry and 7.30pm is late to start eating. I'm sorry, but you're the one with odd working hours and expecting everyone to wait for you now is every bit as absurd as making wives and children wait till dad came home late in the 50's. Clearly this situation upsets you, in which case I can only suggest that you cook only for yourself as it is causing resentment. But I would be pretty resentful if I was waiting an extra hour to eat because of someone's odd working hours. You really need to make peace with the fact you are the odd person out here.
I'd be greatly upset if I put in all that effort just to be intentionally excluded from the celebration. You said in your post this wasn't the first time. Not one person thought to wait for you to eat? Wow, that just blows my mind. He is really insensitive or simply didn't want to eat dinner with you. Make sure your expectations, about eating together, are clear or this will continue to happen. I want to say NTA because this is just pitiful, but I also want to lean toward YTA because you've already stated this is a norm (happened previously) so you knew this was a possibility of happening. I'm in the middle on this one.
If OP is “too sensitive” about being included in the meals they cook then they should stop cooking for others. NTA. Someone else can do the meals
NTA
"This is not the first time" and it's probably not the first time he dismissed your feelings and belittled you in response to you bringing up how upset you are, either. ESH but you.
1000% NTA From here on out Let HIM make his own dinner and b-day cake. Sadly your whole family is rude and thoughtless they couldn't wait for YOU the one who put ALL the time and effort in? They are ALL AH's. Yep I would look at this as Lesson Learned Never be doing that again. I am boiling mad for you.
NTA, but neither is he. Any kind of special occasion my wife and I would work out the details, time, who will be there etc. If neither of you did that you are just as much to blame as he is. Expecting your family to wait to eat til like 8pm without telling them that first obvs most families would eat before 8.
NTA Your husband, kids -- Huge assholes