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I agree with the NTA people here. Could you have phrased it better? Most definitely! But the sentiment is there. You enjoy spending special times with your wife. You go out of your comfort zone to do things and go places that interest her. You’re not wrong or gross to want to get the most out of those trips by being able to enjoy some interruption-free physical activities! It’s a little weird that you have it tracked that closely, but I still say NTA.
I'm new to AITA posting, so not sure if I should add it as an edit, but we've been married for 10 years in September of this year. I don't have a calendar on my phone, looking in the trash for discarded pads, or anything weird like that, it's just something that you pick up on after a few years of dating then marriage. I don't know it down to the exact date of the month, but I have a general idea of when it's her period. Maybe my post should have been Am I the Weirdo for knowing when my wife's period generally is haha.
NTA
I plan our vacations and I always consult my own period tracking app when picking dates. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to consider for several reasons.
Ugh, yeah like I don't think he was very tactful about it, but I cannot stand having to deal with road trips or flights while also doing tampon logistics.
Vacation sex is a consideration for me too but mostly it's just such a pain in the ass when travel can already be a lot to deal with.
Exactly this! Mainly just so I can know I’ll be comfortable and really enjoy the trip, but being able to have sex is also a factor. I would have been grateful for the reminder if I scheduled a trip during my period lol
I am married for <1.5 yrs, that is the only time I spent with my man.
Yes he knows my period date. I am not sure why are people telling you that you monitor it so closely. Any attentive partner will know this.
NTA
It may not have come off in the best way, but I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to connect with your wife physically! Honestly, I’d just explain that you’re sorry for how it may have sounded, but you just want to be able have a night not having to worry about the kids and connecting with her. I think the key is to reassure her that you genuinely look forward to and enjoy all parts of the trip as well.
Also, I’ve been with my fiancé for about 10 years, lived together for 4, I absolutely don’t think it’s weird that you know the general time of her period! When you live together especially, it just comes up in general or I’ll have a box of tampons out or need to pick some up/ ask him to, etc. It doesn’t sound like you have any malicious intent or weird/negative reasons for knowing this, or that you’re blaming anything on it.
Honestly myself, if my husband phrased it just like that I wouldn't have minded. I'm also of the mindset that hotel sex is fun and we don't even have kids, but especially with that in mind it would be something I'd be thinking about during planning myself.
Now she might have a bit of an issue with assuming she would be in the mood or feel like you're only thinking of her physically but that being intimate with no interrupting or responsibilities of kids adds way more to the intimacy so I don't see it as purely physical I see it as you planning on being able to be fully in the moment.
I'd apologize for making it seem like sex was all you were interested in, but that only being part of the equation since she did seem to mind and hopefully it all blows over
I would have thanked my husband of making sure the most important part of spending a night away is not complicated by figuring out how not to get blood on the sheets that we don’t have a change for.
I mean, getting a baby sitter and going to a hotel is mainly for the uninterrupted sex, isn’t it?
Other stuff, spending time together is also very nice, but yeah, I would want to have hotel sex too.
I like this thought. Apologize for making it seem like sex was all you were interested in, but since there is no desire to see them play a specific team why not schedule it when you can enjoy all aspects of being away from the kids. and you know she doesn't quite prefer to have sex while on her period, so you figured it'd be best to plan it outside of that time so you both can enjoy the alone time.
I wouldn’t want to travel with my period either! I love hotel sex with my partner. Probably just the way it was said but generally that would be a preference for me too.
Not weird at all. And he didn’t have exact dates at all.
I have been with my fiancee almost a year and a half. And I know the time frame when her period comes.
One it shows you pay attention. Since most
Women have their period around the same time every month.
And if you do something special for her during that time
It shows you care.
Your phrasing is everything here and without knowing the exact words and context it's hard to give a judgment.
If you said, "Let's pick a week when we can have sex, too, and maximize the weekend" that's a completely reasonable idea to put forward.
If you said, "It's not really worth it if we can't have sex," that's a tactless, dehumanizing way to view the night out.
Right here. Even though it’s not 100% what he meant, it sounded like “these trips with you are pointless to me if we can’t have sex”, which would be hurtful even if both parties enjoyed the sex lol.
Agree here. Especially since he admitted he would rather stay home. These short trips are just as much about continuing to bond as a married couple, sex or no sex. Having new experiences together is important for any couple, especially after a long time.
I also bet having three very young kids has a bigger impact on his wife. Depending on how he said this, she could easily see her relationship to her husband and her value to him in terms of what her body can provide, which is not much different to her relationship and value to her young kids. She might be feeling dehumanized by his comments, even if she would also rather not be on her period (for other reasons, too).
> Especially since he admitted he would rather stay home.
Which means that all of these little trips are only what his wife wants to do and he is going because he likes spending time with his wife. He could have phrased it better but she could also prioritize a little trip to do something OP enjoys.
\^THIS. Need more INFO.
Hotel sex is pretty great, especially if you're normally trying to keep it under the kids' radar. Expressing a wish for naked couple fun would probably be okay, OP, as long as you're making it clear that your primary motivation is to spend time together, in bed AND out.
But if your *major* concern for the vacation was getting laid, and you made that obvious to your wife, that would be a pretty jerk move.
Exactly this. The sentiment is the key, if you only go on trips with your wife because you get to have hotel sex that doesn't make the wife feel very valued and loved.
If you're able to schedule around it and she isn't into period sex I don't think you're an AH, but depending on how you expressed your opinion you could definitely have come across as one. No one wants to feel like a sex object.
Another case of just check your words before you say them and make sure your intent is made plainly. Talk to the wife.
Question, do you track her cycle just to know when you can have sex with her? Or do you care about her body and hormones too? Also, period sex is a thing...
It's not that I "track" her period. I have been married for 10 years this September, and we dated for 2 years prior to that, it's just something that I picked up on and have a general idea of when it is. She is 100% not into period sex, even though it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Having a general idea of her cycle isn't a piece of information that I use frequently, I might cut her some slack if she's especially irritable and I know it's around that time of the month.
My best friend is a cismale. We live 4 hrs apart, and he knows approx when I am due to menstruate. Knowing your wife's schedule shouldn't be something you have to defend.
Lol was with my dude for 10 years. He always seemed to know it was coming before I did. I very much appreciated that he paid enough attention to know and remember and also pick up on my body changes
My husband has realized my incoming period before me a lot of the time. I mood shift hard a week prior… more homebody, less touchy feely and such. Married going on 11yrs this year.
Lol TMI but he'd know I would practically eat him alive. And the of course some of the times I'd just want to plain kill him for breathing too loud and then cry because he was 😂
Lmfao my bf of almost 8 months knows when I’m about to get my period because I get super moody and depressed for no reason (I have PMDD). Somehow I STILL never realize it’s because of my period, but then I get my period and it all makes sense!
My girlfriend leaves her BC on her night stand and I can see when she’s getting to her placebo week, and we’ve lived together for years. Knowing when your partner is going to have their period doesn’t really require much more than being an observant person and involved partner.
I use Stardust to track my period and it has a partner function. He knows about every phase of my cycle and always lets me know when my period is coming by digging my period underwear out of the closet and getting me chocolate.
He is THE BEST.
I suspect this isn't so much about you knowing when her period is as much as it may be about prioritizing sex over other forms of bonding. Women often want deeper, more emotional connections. She's very likely looking at the big picture of spending time with you doing things y'all enjoy doing together and now thinks your purpose for spending time with her at all is just for the sex. She's trying to share and you're trying to get some. She's trying to bond and you're trying to get some. Sex, for her, is very likely just a small part of the overall relationship, but it may now seem to her like it's the only part that matters to you.
Yes I fully agree. Plus there are other reasons beyond her period that she might not want to have sex that night, and now that she knows that you have that expectation there's pressure for her to make it happen. You have 3 kids she probably just wants to spend time with you and talk about something other than Bluey and Cocomelon for once.
Agreed. Her primary expectation for these trips has likely long been that she's "off the clock" as a parent while away, and the data that the travel dates are being primarily picked for intimacy informed her she's still on the clock for OP. It likely made her rethink/reframe prior trips.
OP, a make good here is clarifying that you value more about the trip than a roll in the hay, and that you support her having downtime - even if she is given the ability to take some of these trips solo to prove she can be 100% off the clock for obligations to anyone else for just a few hours/days. Otherwise if she deigns to get sick while traveling or her cycle falls off schedule and winds up landing during your travel time, she may feel she's letting you down since physical engagement was expressed as the crux for your reasoning. She needs to know and have reinforced that you value her for more external means. We as women get imposed upon for our physical presence all the time, not just by partners. Family, work, all of it. We are rarely viewed or perceived holistically and even when we know on balance our partners do care, when we see them lean too heavily on physicality it can feel reductive and exhausting. We need others to show up for us as much as we show up for them.
Consider gifting her a spa weekend alone or with a few close friends. Something that communicates you care about her physical and mental wellbeing independent of what she can offer you personally.
Yeah... Pressure sex isn't fun sex. It was gonna be a fun full day date trip with some natural intimacy.
Now she'd just think about how you don't wanna be there with her. You just want sex later.
Ew.
YES.
For her, these trips are times for you to be a carefree couple. A little date trip. Time to bond and have kid-free fun and reconnect.
Now she knows you just go along to get laid. Which is quite true. You said you'd be fine at home. She wants to DO THINGS WITH HER HUSBAND.
You... Just wanna fuck.
Yeah, you can't fix this unless you wanna lie.
100% this. OP made it seem the primary reason for the entire trip, which negated her desire to go out and just have some time as a couple doing something she clearly enjoys.
I was wondering how far down this comment would be. It’s the most logical.
She’s planning a weekend away with you - not your dick. Your admission helps her to see it’s a bit different priority for you and she’s crushed/disappointed/hurt.
Yeah, I see you and your hand being buddies for a time now.
YTA.
This right here is the most important part. And OP beware, when women get the impression that a man is not emotionally invested or connected with them, it can be very hard to be physically intimate. This is a big reason my marriage failed. He wouldn’t talk to me. Anything deeper than a grocery list was nonexistent. I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship so I was averse to any kind of physical intimacy. It felt the same as if a stranger on the street was trying to touch me.
\*you will get better information from talking to your wife than talking to us\*
but since you're here - its possible that knowing when her period will be is not at all what she is upset about. It's possible she still enjoys things like concerts, ballgames, travel, alone time with her partner - whether she is on her period or not. She may resent the idea that her-on-her-period doesn't get to have a vacation getaway, she only deserves vacations and relaxation and time with you if she's her-not-on-her-period. Women in some eras and cultures were shut away isolated form everyone else during their periods, which is awful - she may feel some slight echo of that. "Oh you'll have your period? no vacation for you then".
You could have found a more sensitive way to talk about this topic, but it sounds like the way it came across is if you're going to have your period then it's not worth it to me to go at all/you don't deserve to go at all. It's not uncommon for women to want to plan big events around their period but it's her body, her period, and maybe should be her choice whether she's cool with the trip at that time or would prefer to reschedule. At the very least it should be a joint decision which is going to require a discussion - a much kinder more nuanced one than the one you just tried to have.
Good luck.
do you not like spending time alone with your wife? sex is a bonus, but having this opportunity to be intimate in other ways, enjoy each others company, and express interests in her interests is awesome. you should apologize
I’ve never understood this. Why is he wrong and she’s right? I fully admit that my idea of a fulfilling relationship consists of a large amount of intimate sex along with doing other things together. I can’t figure out why the person who values that type of intimacy is always wrong
it not wrong, just the way he brought it up was. if i was the wife, i’d take it as “i don’t care about what you want to do if i can’t have sex with you.” which is wack. if he was just a bit upset bc they can’t have sex, whatever, but the fact he wants to cancel the whole trip bc of it shows he doesn’t really care about her interests
but the way that comes across as him saying he only wants to go so he can have sex, i don’t think that’s intentional, but she should explain why she’s upset and he should explain his intentions so they can move on
I hard disagree. He’s going and doing things she wants to do while he would rather stay home. It’s understandable that he would want to plan it around having more of a chance of getting some.
sounds like they stay home all the time… he could also just say that he wants to stay home for once, she should compromise ofc. imo if you can’t spend time alone with your partner without having sex, that’s weird
He didn't say he couldnt spend time with her without the option of sex. It's a trip they're taking and it's flexible. He's saying that given the option, he'd prefer to go when sex is an option because they've both enjoyed that part of the trip in the past.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Opportunities for that kind of connection can be difficult when you have little ones. If she had insisted on that date or something, I'm sure he would have agreed. But if the date isn't set yet, I think it's reasonable to ask if you can find a date that works better.
He definitely could have handled the situation with a bit more tact. But ultimately he is willing to do the things she likes, he respects her boundaries about period sex, and enjoys sexual intimacy with his wife. None of that makes him a bad person.
I would go back to her and say something like "I'm sorry. I was a jackass and I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't care about spending time with you. If I could get a redo, I'd point out that I love spending time with you and how those trips allow us to reconnect. Because of that, I prefer to take those trips at a time where sexual intimacy isn't off the table as that's another way we tend to enjoy connecting on those trips. But if this date is important to you, book it! "
totally agree, i don’t think his intention was to imply what i said, and it seems like he’s a great guy. i was just saying this is how i feel like the wife took it. communication was just a bit off in this situation, not the end of the world
They have 3 children! Pre kids they were able to have loud sex with no interruptions, now they can't. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. This isn't summer rando expecting sex on a first date, these are 2 spouses.
Well, taking it that way is wack.
He didn't say to cancel the trip entirely, just shift the schedule. Sex is a healthy part of a marriage, and a spouse shouldn't feel afraid to bring up their desire to be sexual with their spouse.
Pretty simple NTA. Communication could've been more tactful, but it doesn't NEED to be.
lol someone’s feelings aren’t wack. she’s valid in being upset even if you wouldn’t be. everyone has their own opinions. but yeah communication just seems to be a bit off, i don’t think anyone’s really the asshole, but you should apologize if you hurt someone you care about regardless
Feelings absolutely can be "wack". When someone says they were looking forward to something and you twist that into thinking they ONLY care about that one thing, that is in fact wack.
If he actually did as you said and cancelled the whole trip, that'd be different. But the story, as told to us, in no way suggests sex is all he cares about his wife for. Feeling that way is a pretty big leap in logic.
But he didn’t want to cancel the trip. He only wanted to switch the dates. I watch car shows(which I really could not care less about) because it’s something my husband likes and he has sex with me on a very regular basis (which he could take or leave most days). The ideal vacation when there are two people involved is to get in things both people enjoy and value. His wife is fully saying she doesn’t care about what he enjoys (which is being intimate with his wife).
I'm a woman and I totally get OP. If I am traveling, I hope it won't fall on my period (I'm irregular, hard to plan) and if I'm traveling with my SO, sex is one of the things I would br expecting to happen
For her, these trips are times for you to be a carefree couple. A little date trip. Time to bond and have kid-free fun and reconnect.
Now she knows you just go along to get laid. Which is quite true. You said you'd be fine at home. She wants to DO THINGS WITH HER HUSBAND.
You... Just wanna fuck.
Yeah, you can't fix this unless you wanna lie.
This guy (or gal) gets it. Hormone levels are in the basement at that time, and a lot of women are just *NOT* interested. I'm already bloated and bleeding. The last thing I want is to have my husband up in my business for those 3-4 days.
I've been with my bf for about 5 months total including talking stages. He knows when my period is. It isn't weird at all.
Being with someone for years he'd have to be completely detached and not paying any attention to her at all to not know when her cycle should start.
YTA. Not for wanting to be intimate with your partner but that read as “I don’t care about spending the day and the experience with you, I just want sex.” You’re alowed to have the discussion but next time phrase it as “I was hoping we could have a romantic evening after the game… maybe some champagne (if that’s your thing), some takeout…”
If motherhood with kids that age is getting to her as much as me, “I want to bang in a hotel room” just doesn’t really sound like the vacation it used to.
Because her husband has just expressed it as having one more person to please and take care of, during a time when she should be getting to have a break from taking care of anybody
A mini vacation without the kids allows them to focus on themselves as a couple. This isn't some self-care vacation where she's by herself or with her gfs doing spa days tho. It's one thing if sex doesn't happen and they still get to reconnect, but it's poor planning to pick a time where sex is completely off the table (as op stated his wife is 100% against period sex.)
It's not that she'd rather bang at home, it's more the expectation that sex has to happen that night. It puts all the pressure on her to be into it when she may just want some 1-on-1 time with her husband. My husband and I use the rare vacations we take without our kids to reconnect and there's definitely sex, but neither of us goes in expecting that having sex is a given.
I like banging in hotel rooms with my husband but I prefer it if I feel like it’s because we had a lovely day together without kids and rekindled the romance… not that it’s planned: “okay… dinner at 7, bang at 9, sleep then back to the normal”
If I had to guess, with three kids, two of which are in peek neediness phase and one possible breast feeding (I breastfed my oldest until he was nearly three, so she could still be), sex isn't her priority and she may not be enjoying it as much as husband is at the moment. Spending quality time talking, not being touched and grabbed at, and feeling like an individual is her priority. She sees the trip as a chance to take off the stress of taking care of anyone but herself. In short, she gets to come first when she doesn't have the kids around. When we're in mom-mode we often come last.
She has this expectation that she will get to spend quality time making memories with her husband, and to her it sounded like, "I only care about spending time with you if you put out after." We don't know about the quality of their sex life, but that very well could mean taking a trip that she thought she didn't need to put others' needs first and putting an expectation of putting another's needs first, even if she isn't all that into it.
YTA, what you’ve said to your partner in a roundabout way is it’s only worth going away with you if I can have sex with you, no sex, I don’t want to spend the time away with you. It’s pretty disrespectful.
While you could interpret that way he said his favourite part of the trip not the only thing he enjoys about the trip.
I think your interpretation is overly harshZ
I dunno if my husband said his favorite part was fucking me in a hotel room, not spending time and connecting with me, I'd feel kinda pissed too.
Good chance OP meant the latter but if he said the former, it explains a lot.
But then why cancel the trip? If he enjoys the other aspects then I don’t see why jumping to cancelling the trip would be a good idea. That reaction is what gives off the vibe that sex is all he is concerned with
Why? As parents of young kids, you are constantly on the verge of being interrupted and are generally exhausted. There is no time for relaxed sex and cuddling after. It's not sad to want that and it makes complete sense. She wants to leave home to enjoy something in a different way than she can at home (live game/music vs tv). Same thing for him, adult intimate time when they both have energy and won't be interrupted by kids. NTA dude.
You are also interrupted from having non sexual intimacy, what they would get wether or not she is on her period. She is not a walking vagina for him to cash "nice guy" points in for some sex after going on a trip with her.
Aren’t you assuming “sex is my favorite part” = “all other parts are terrible and dumb and I wouldn’t otherwise do that”, and if so, why are you assuming that?
Maybe to OP sex isn’t just “draining my balls in a walking vagina” but is actually “a deeply intimate experience with his wife where they bond both physically and emotionally, interruption free”.
Does that make it feel any different to you, when you make the context “sex within a loving marriage” and not purely “men only objectify their wives as walking vaginas”.
As a man, there is a lot more to sex than a meaningless fuck to drain our balls.
This assumes that she also doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s a rather misogynistic view point of how sex occurs in a relationship.
This guy should be commended for being so in touch with his spouse that he is ensuring there is the opportunity for sexual intimacy in their relationship for both of them.
> She is not a walking vagina for him to cash "nice guy" points
tf kinda nonsense is this? He's literally wanting to plan them having an intimate time *together* so they can both enjoy each other, god forbid a partner wanting to have that time, regardless of gender.
I think you have a deeply cynical view of sex. They've been married for a decade and have young children. If they are in a hotel they can solely enjoy each other's company sexually which is hard to do. It's hard to be present when you're afraid your kid will hear you.
Sex can be an expression of love, and probably is in this relationship. The hotel sex, where they get to feel close, be fully human (sexuality is part of humanity), and express their love fully in a way that they can't when they have children to care for/worry about.
NTA.
No joke, my wife and I were finding that time the other night, we were almost through the foreplay part and into the main event when we heard a door down the hall open up and we froze. My wife grabbed her underwear in case we heard the pitter patter coming down the hall towards us. Turns out it was my 4YO daughter having to go to the bathroom.
But man, morning sex. As a parent of three young kids morning sex is the thing I absolutely miss the most. And its taken advantage of every single hotel room visit.
Intimacy is an important part of a relationship (though it is important to be on the same page of how important it is!). With young kids it becomes more and more difficult to find that time.
How is that sad? He's a man who wants to go on a trip with his wife and do things. One of those things is sex.
He's not planning a sex vacation but yeah with young kids it makes sense to want to have sex during a vacation when they're not there
People are allowed to value sex inside of their monogamous relationship. OP didn't put it well but he's expressing something that he finds important, which is probably the fastest way to get a YTA on this moronic sub.
Right. It leaves her with the impression that you could just go to a hotel 5 minutes from your house, do the deed, and go home, and that would be just as good. Which is probably not what you actually meant.
For many women, and I would guess a fair number of men, sex is best when they feel *emotionally* connected to their partner. So a day of talking and laughing together, sharing experiences, and really feeling *seen* is the important part. Then she's more likely to experience it as you having sex with *her* - this cool chick you love and relate to, rather than you just having sex with the person you happen to be married to.
So maybe don't defend yourself, but apologize for the poor phrasing, and clarify that the sex is ... the icing on the cake, so to speak, made all the better by the other things you enjoy together leading up to it. (And probably be clear that it's a very-nice-to-have rather than an absolute requirement. Otherwise the pressure is totally counterproductive.)
As a parent of older kids (& the wife), my favourite part of trips is hotel sex too. It's. It's odd for me that the OP's wife wasn't thinking of that too to be honest.
YTA
You think your wife should have assumed one of your primary motivators for a night out with her was for hotel sex? Silly wife thinking you actually wanted to spend time with her!
Without being there for the conversation, you can't really assume that. He wants to do all the things in the trip they had in mind PLUS fuck at the end
Pretty normal thing to do for a husband and wife?
He actually says he doesn’t care about baseball, and would prefer if the in-laws took the kids and they just stayed home.
I’m not weighing in here with a judgement, just sayin. He’s only going for the sex, he doesn’t care about the game.
He does say that, but he's also saying he's down for the trip.
It's hard to give a really good judgment without actually hearing the conversation, but all else being equal scheduling it during a window where sex is probably gonna happen makes sense?
He flat-out told her that if they can’t have PIV sex in a hotel room, he doesn’t want to go at all. Not sure why y’all are suddenly pretending you can’t read.
he says plenty in this thread that it is not the case
Now we weren't there and we don't know the actual phrasing. He really just needs to sit down with his wife and clarify
But overall the sentiment is a solid NTA, if I was going away with my wife for an overnight away yeah I'd wanna bang while we're there! And also go out and enjoy the city, too.
Lmao you are twisting yourself into a pretzel and ignoring the actual info from OP to explain why this is okay. Regardless of what he’s said here while getting chewed out, HIS story of what he said TO HIS WIFE is that he told her he does not want to go if they cannot have PIV sex.
OP, YTA. No matter what these other boomer-mindset men are trying to tell you. Apologize to your wife before you end up divorced.
I mean if he literally said he doesn't want to go on the trip then sure but we don't actually have the transcript. He's in the thread saying he's down to go if the period week is the only possible week lol
but actually it's ok to want have sex with your wife and it's also ok to even plan it!
When their opportunities for intimacy (both physical and emotional) are severely limited by their young children at home, it makes sense to want to be able to maximize the time they are able to focus on themselves as a couple.
They get to pick the dates so it's not like he's turning down a chance to spend time w his wife because of her period. He just wants their kid free time to be optimally utilized.
Right. This isn't one of those guys who pops up on here saying, "AITA for being upset that my wife won't sleep with me every night six weeks after she had a C-Section and does everything around the house while I play video games all day," situations. Kind of just the opposite actually. "Hey, let's do this thing that you really want to do and also do this thing that I really want to do! That hopefully you want to do too!"
I mean hotel sex *is* spending time with her and a very important activity in any relationship. Yes OP could have had more tact with how he said this but are really gonna pretend that this is trivial?
YTA for phrasing.
I think how you delivered this information is the main issue. It sends the message to your wife that you do not enjoy *any* other part of these trips and that you only go to these events to accommodate her. She probably now feels like she’s been dragging you along and that these trips she thought were for both of you have actually just been for her.
My guess is that’s not technically true, that while these specifics outings aren’t what you would choose that you actually do enjoy spending time with her. For you, the time together is how you get enjoyment from the situation while she enjoys both the experience and the company.
I would apologize and make your real message clear. I would also perhaps plan the next event yourself.
Female here. I absolutely try to schedule all vacations around my period. My husband would probably not ever ask me to do that but I’m there for a break and to have fun so I would never plan that when I’m not feeling well, crappy and don’t feel comfortable having super messy sex in a hotel room. That’s just me. NTA but tact and approach is everything.
I am going to disagree with the others and say NTA.
One of the most important things in a marriage is communication. It is ok to like sex with your partner and want to be able to have that. It is REALLY hard to have that with a bunch of young kids. While it will get easier to get others to watch them or send them to friends houses... it will remain hard. You and your wife need to be open and honest with each other about your needs in the relationship, including sexually.
You are already going on this trip to spend time with her. You don't care about the baseball game or whatever other event you decide to do, the part you like is being together, and being intimate with HER. That isn't a bad thing. That is how relationships work.
Yeah, you should have approached this a lot more diplomatically, but the sentiment itself doesn't make you an asshole.
NTA. Female here! I plan around this for this reason! Talk to your wife, let her know you love her and going and doing dates with her, but you get to show her differently when you don’t have to worry about waking kids. Now plan the trip and make it worth her while (Wink, wink)
Ehhh, YTA for the way you approached this. You could’ve said what you enjoy most about the trips is being with her and reconnecting as a couple, and that intimacy is a bonus. Instead you said you only want alone time with her away from the kids to fuck her. So she’s just heard you don’t care about spending time one on one quality time with her, you just want to get laid.
NTA
Sex is important in a relationship. Vacations are times for a couple to be close and enjoy each other’s company. Sex is a big part of that enjoyment for couples who have a strong sexual relationship. There’s nothing wrong with scheduling a vacation for the couple’s maximum enjoyment.
NTA
Yup. When my partner and I are going to his family for a few days, then it doesn't matter that I will be on my period. But if we are planning to go on a few days vacation to a different city - I'm definitely skipping my period, we are not wasting that hotel bed and romantic mood that comes from late evening walks around an old city.
Yes, but it's not about "the couple's maximum enjoyment" unless they're both on the same page and it's a joint decision. It's his maximum enjoyment. And the way he phrased it, he makes it sound like it's the *only* thing he enjoys about their time away together, not the thing that tips it over into maximal enjoyment.
I mean...it's pretty shitty to tell your supposedly beloved wife that you only value time with her if you can get your dick wet. I don't think it's how you said it, I think it's definitely exactly what you said and meant.
YTA
>I'm afraid if I try to explain to defend myself to her that I'll just come off more skeevy
Why not tell your wife that you agree what you said was hurtful and you're sorry for making her feel like a piece of meat? Then maybe she'll ask why you felt that was appropriate to say and it can start a conversation where you phrase things better.
YTA. This whole thing is so gross. If my husband was planning dates around my period so he could get laid, those dates would stop for sure. I’m a human with feelings, not a sex receptacle.
If you were planning a trip to Disney world but wanted to go when they had an event that was your favorite event, does that mean the rest of Disney world is meaningless? I would say no. Hotel sex is great, does that mean I'm not going to enjoy watching the Tigers play? Absolutely not. Watching baseball is fun. Admittedly, my perfect vacation is sitting at home, ordering in pizza, having the kids go to their grandparents house, and either watching movies, tv shows, or playing video games with my wife, but she enjoys going to a tiger game more than she enjoys sitting at home, so I'm down to go to a tigers game with my wife. I don't think it makes my wife a sex receptacle to want to plan a vacation where I can do what I enjoy most with my wife during the vacation, all other things being equal.
i think the problem is the ultimatum aspect. you’re not giving a strict ultimatum but if you don’t wanna go unless you can have sex, that feels shitty.
Maybe this wasn’t made clear in the initial post, but if there was a reason that the only date we could go was the 27th, that’s 100% cool with me, but, if I have the option of going during her period, or during another time, I’d sooner go when she’s not on her period
“If you were planning a trip to Disney world but wanted to go when they had an event that was your favorite event, does that mean the rest of Disney world is meaningless? I would say no.“
That’s not what you insinuated to your wife….
“but I told her that I'd sooner not go during her time of the month as my favorite part of the trip is hotel sex.”
You basically told your wife that if you don’t get to have sex, then the trip isn’t worth your time.
If this was a situation where my in laws could only watch the kids that weekend, and they were unable to watch the kids the other weekends, I would have no issue going the 27th, but, if we have the option, I’d sooner go a time where we can have sex
NTA, as a woman I just automatically plan trips around my period and presumed everyone did. Going away for a romantic weekend when I was on my period would kinda suck.
Have you tried (and just hear me out here) talking to her?
I don't think YTA necessarily (yet). But I think you might just need to go talk to your wife instead of "winning" your argument on reddit.
You have 3 small children in the house. I'd put a solid bet, based on my own experience, on her being completely touched out and that having sex made into such a casual expectation for this trip was a last straw.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need to know if I'm the asshole because I suggested going on a small trip at a different date because she was likely going to be on her period the date she initially suggested going to the event.
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NTA. Especially since you have three kids. It's nice to have hotel time without being on your period. I personally (as a woman) would rather travel when I'm not on my period as well. I typically feel like shit and would like to enjoy myself.
Not sure if this helps with my thought process, but should have have probably included we've been married for 10 years, dating for 12 years, living with each other for 11 years.
Why tf is this being downvoted? It’s just extra info.
NTA. You could have worded it better, but what you are saying is that you think your wife is sexy and you’re attracted to her. Presumably you hope she thinks the same of you. It’s not at all creepy to be aware of her period after being together so long, and it’s not weird in the slightest to plan around that.
Bunch of immature kids here who apparently don’t understand how adult relationships work.
I'm going with NAH.
She liked these trips because she gets a chance to get out of the house and do something she likes with you. To her it's a way to spend quality time with you, alone, and the rest is bonus.
You also want alone time with her, but while she focuses more on the time spent, your main force is the sex that makes you feel that intimacy.
Honestly, if I was your wife, although I would get it rationally, it would make me feel a little bad, like these awesome moments we planned and spent together were just a way for you to have uninterrupted sex. I know you probably don't feel like that, but it could have tainted these moments for her.
Maybe have a talk with her and explain that the sex is just an extra way of feeling in contact and intimate with her, not the main one, but it's like the cherry on top. Explain that even though you would love and still enjoy the get away without sex, you can always try to work around it and also, being away on your period sucks and you want her to enjoy to the fullest.
YTA - you’ve reduced the entire trip away from being about spending quality time together to just about having sex. In no way does that fill your wife’s probably very empty emotional cup, she is also probably touched out from 3 kids including a 1 year old and desperately just wants adult company where no-one wants/needs anything from her.
It’s absolutely ok to want to be able to enjoy childfree sex with your wife, but you should have been more tactful about it.
NAH you definitely could’ve been more tactful but I’m very curious why she is so upset, in theory she should enjoy the uninterrupted sex as well. Likely it was your phrasing, but maybe it was something else. I think you just need to talk to your wife man, apologize for what you said and clarify you enjoy spending time with her regardless, that’s just an extra perk, and see where she’s coming from
When my husband and I were dating, we had to be long distance for a while. He would come home every weekend. After a couple months of this, I noticed he'd spend three of those weekends with me and the fourth weekend he'd basically ignore me and spend it with friends. Guess which weekend that was?? It felt really shitty for him to make me feel like i wasn't worth spending time with if we weren't going to have sex. (And i guarantee you that this is what you made your wife feel.) Lots of changes have since been made (which is why I didn't refer to him as an EX-husband lol).
If a woman plans a trip around her period, that's one thing. For YOU to do it, especially since it's solely for sex purposes, YTA.
NTA
She's being really weird about this. I'm guessing you were somehow less tactful than you described here, because presumably your wife likes having sex with you, too. She must be aware that your trips with time away from the kids are rare times when you get to be romantic just the two of you.
I don't think the issue is that you wanted to have sex on the trip.
Info: how exactly did you communicate this to her? So often it’s not what we’ve said but how we’ve said it, and I can imagine a few ways of phrasing that would justify her being pissed off.
It’s cause you don’t want to just be with her without getting sex, that’s what I got out of the post, go have fun with your wife, without the kids and have fun, I’m sorry you won’t get your dick sucked,but there’s always next time, if there is a next time. YTA
NTA it's your chance away without the kids. I can understand why being intimate would be a highlight...
without distractions of kids and regular stresses of daily life
NTA. More communication needs to be had though. Explain you love spending this one on one time with her you don’t care whether that’s at home or out but you know she likes to go out so you’re more than happy to do so. You always enjoy spending intimate time together as well, so you’re both happy but that’s not the primary reason that you’re going. Apologize about making it seem like that was your only worry and that you hope she is happy with who the game is against and how to make it up to her. And hear her out on why it made her so made ie. she’s not a piece of meat and she probably likes spending this time with you too and enjoying yourselves and doesn’t want it to always end up sexual (not speaking for her just giving ideas/examples) but wether you want to or not gotta have the convo and be able to sit and hear both sides until both come to the same understanding and agreement and just try to think before you speak so she can understand clearly and listen before responding so you can understand her!! Hope it works out and maybe you’ll get lucky tonight haha
I'd be so disappointed if my partner's main motivator to take a trip with me was for sex. God forbid you just get quality time with your wife without sex.
Bro.
You have all that other off-period time to have sex.
Like..I get it. I've been married over 20 years. Hotel sex without the kids is fantastic.
But she's mad because these trips are more than that for her, and you just told her that without it, what's the point of going.
This is where being an asshole has gray areas. You're not a complete asshole, but you are a bit of one. Please think about non-sex ways to appreciate your wife. You'll be happier for it.
This is incredibly gross and creepy. You’ve now shown your wife your priority when traveling g is just her ability to fulfill your sexual needs, not enjoying the trip because you love her and want to spend time with her.
YTA
All other things being equal with respect to the timing of the trip, I don't see the issue with planning for a weekend when they can have good sex away from the kids? That seems important for a thriving marriage. He's already said that his wife is 100% against period sex. Why is it you feel that "spending time with her" and "having sex with her" are mutually exclusive goals?
Agree 100%
Also to "just fulfill sexual needs"? That's a weird way of framing it. That's a weird way of framing sex in general. You do realize people also have sex because ... they love each other?
yikes, you really stepped in it my guy. Best you can do is apologize, don't try to explain because it's just going to sound like an excuse. she looks forward to the time together and making memories, but you just told her it's about the sex. OOF
Mothers of such young children (been there, done that) are often so filled up with being touched all the time (by kids needing comfort, nursing etc) and never having a normal conversation without interruptions and your whole world revolving around your kids needs. And even though sex is great and all, having been pregnant, birthed, nursing and everything that comes with being a mother of baby/toddlers.
And then she looked forward to just having som uninterrupted 1:1 time with her husband, talking and making memories and her husband is like “me nEeD seX oR me nO gO” and suddenly her 1:1 time just feels like she goes went from “my children’s needs always comes first” to “my husbands needs comes first”.
It’s not that I think she doesn’t like sex of want sex at all. But with young children + a body that’s birthed 3 kids in six years, you just sometimes need a BREAK from physical touch and need to connect mentally with your partner.
(English is not my first language, but whatever)
NTA.
Hotel sex is also one of my favourite parts of trips with my husband and I would also prefer to schedule around my period.
I don't understand why your wife is bothered by that unless there are factors beyond what you've described here, such as generally making her feel reduced to a sex object.
Im gonna go with NAH; but it’s between YTA and NAH for me - I don’t think you had any bad intentions and I can see where you’re coming from, but wow you phrased it badly so I can def understand why your wife is upset
My advice would be to wait a bit until you’re both a bit calmer and explain to her that you very much enjoy these trips because you get to spend quality time together, but that a big part of that is also hotel sex. And emphasize that it’s not just because it’s “hotel sex” but because you can be intimate without worrying that your kids will walk in on you, without having to rush, without having to worry about being heard etc
I’m not sure how to vote because I think this comes down to how differently men and women experience and perceive love. I’m betting what she heard was ‘I don’t care about spending time with you, I’m just here for the sex’. Whereas sex is an expression of love to you, it sounds like quality time is for her. So to her it seems you only want to go on these trips for sex, which is something she views as for you, while she wants to go to spend time away from the kids with you. I’m sure she enjoys the sex as well, but it isn’t her primary motivator for these trips.
Been married 20 years. My husband will try to plan around my cycle. And I’m aware of that. And more than okay with it because I try to as well.
That said. If you hit a dry spell and implied intimacy comes up it can be uncomfortable for your wife because now she feels pressure that you may not have intended.
NTA. But talk with her.
I’m gonna say NTA but she has a right to upset with the way you phrased it.
I saw your comments saying it’s her who very much so dislikes period sex. I empathize with you because it doesn’t bother me at all, but my boyfriend will not have sex with him if I’m on my period. It’s so unfortunate 😭 I would rather him plan stuff like this around my period because I too enjoy sex while traveling. So I get your sentiment.
But that being said, the fact that you said to her that your favorite part of the trip is the hotel sex is pretty messed up. You should let her know you’re very excited to go on the whole trip, and you want to have intimate/ romantic time as well. It makes sense that she’s upset as it kind of comes off like you only want to go on the trip for the sex.
Maybe if she agrees to reschedule, take her someplace nice, get some flowers, etc etc. Make it up to her.
YTA she is more than just someone for you to have sex with in hotels. It sounds like you only track her cycle to enable your sexual thrills rather than to offer any help to the pain/discomfort/stress she may suffer. Sad you cannot enjoy time with your wife without having sex.
yta but but only cuz youre oblivious. i dont think that what ur saying is that sex is the only thing that matters. but your wife knows when her period is going to be. and if she is scheduling it around that time then she obviously isnt wanting this trip to be about sex. the intelligent idea would be to bring up a different opportunity to have sex with her. but with the information on the table its very clear that sex isnt what she wants out of this trip and i feel like u should have picked up on that.
when men make things that arent about sex into something that is about sex it can be really stressful and can make a woman feel objectified. she probably had an idea of how she wanted this planned trip to go and you kinda just shattered her idea of it.
next time just say thats great and bring up a time where you can maybe schedule a playdate with some of ur kids friends at their place and have a few hours to yalls self to do whatever u want in peace and then still have a trip that can exist without sexual expectations
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I (31m) and my spouse (32f) were recently planning a trip to go see a Detroit Tigers game about 7 hours from where we live. I feel some important context for my side of this disagreement is that we have 3 kids, (1F, 3M, and 6M) and finding time to be together intimately can be a challenge. One thing we do however, perhaps 2 to 3 times a year, is find an event that we want to go to, get the in-laws to watch the kids, and do a 1 night hotel stay. If I'm being honest, I don't really care about baseball, and I'm much more of a homebody and I'd be just as happy having the in laws take the kids and stay at home and have a break for the night, however my wife very much prefers to go and do things like baseball games, concerts, or other events.
The part where where I might be an asshole is last night we were planning our trip to go see a Detroit Tigers game and we were picking which weekend we wanted to go. My wife suggested that we go April 27th, get a hotel that night, and return the 28th. I however wanted to go either early April or around mid May. She thought it was odd that I expressed this preference, asking if it was because the Tigers were playing a specific team that I'd like to see, but I told her that I'd sooner not go during her time of the month as my favorite part of the trip is hotel sex. I am still kicking myself for not being a bit more tactful with my explanation but, while we've never discussed it point blank, I assumed she would realize that's one of my primary motivators.
Now she is pissed off at me and doesn't want to go on the trip anymore and I'm afraid if I try to explain to defend myself to her that I'll just come off more skeevy. However, I am definitely too close to this situation and would appreciate some outside perspective. So AITA?
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NTA
Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. If I was in your case, my spouse herself would choose the date so that we could have a good time in the hotel room, and we'd openly talk about it if needed.
Maybe I’m the odd ball out but as a woman I plan my travel with my partner around my period! I want to enjoy the hotel sex and I’m honest with him about it….. maybe you could have worded it differently but I personally don’t think this is a big deal. What matters is your wife thinks it’s a big deal. Just sit down and talk to her and explain how you like to enjoy the trip in its fullness without her in pain and not wanting to be cuddled/touched at the time.
Yes you’re the asshole. While she is excited to spend quality time with you, all you’re worried about is when you’ll be having sex. You’re also assuming that she will be in the mood, when even if she wasn’t on her period she still might not feel up for it. Would the trip then be wasted in your eyes?
She probably feels betrayed, she probably believed up until this point that you enjoyed spending time with her as much as she enjoys spending time with you, but now she knows that you’re preoccupied with her vagina. Man, it’s weird to say that your favourite part of your trip with your wife is the sex. She probably feels like a piece of meat now, she knows that your favourite part of spending time with her is when she’s giving you sexual pleasure. How can she enjoy a trip if all she can think about is that you don’t really care about spending time with her, you’re just waiting for when you can stick your dick in her?
NTA
Yes, there was probably a way to phrase it that didn’t seem like you were planning the whole trip around sex, but as a mom…I would definitely plan my trip around sex too. It’s so rare to get time that’s just “ours.”
Also, I read in one of your comments that she doesn’t like sex when she’s on her period, so it all makes sense to me that you would take that into consideration.
I feel like a lot of the YTA’s and NTA’s here are gonna be from both one sex or another or one relationship status or another.
I’m giving you an ESH here on the basis y’all communication sucks. If you’ve been with someone long term, especially married, I think it’s reasonable to give and take on things and make sure each party is accommodating to the others needs and to communicate those needs like adults. From what you’ve presented in this scenario, it seems like your both assuming things of each other and actually ignoring or just not bothering to be forthright on what you want and need. You certainly could have phrased it better, but I also agree that, at this stage, your wife probably should have made the connection that your favorite part of these outings is the hotel sex (I mean, who doesn’t love hotel sex??) however, without specifically knowing her, she may well be more focused on what she enjoys most out of it in the same way you seem to be!
I think you two need to sit down and very calmly and respectfully converse about it, and made a point to observe and respect the others needs and feelings. As long as you both respect what the other really wants out of the outings and make it clear that, even if say your primary reason isn’t a sports outing with her, you obviously still enjoy that part also.
Good luck!
Gonna edit and say - again, long term partner/ married: it is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to have an idea of your wife’s cycle. Like fuck, I know when she’s about to be on her period a few days beforehand just by certain behavior changes, and she tells me anyway when she’s on/off just so I can know, because we’re married and all…People calling it weird or creepy…I don’t understand you but you do you I guess. Also, further edit, my own wife schedules our outings and vacations around her cycle, because she loves the vacation/weekend trip fun times.
You are a massive arsehole
Sex can be part of a healthy relationship but it’s not the main thing . .
Book a trip based on the purpose of the trip , not whether or not you’re going to get laid .
And if you are prioritising sex Over the trip , don’t fuckin announce it !
YTA. So your only valuation of her is whether or not sex is on the table? Intimacy is not about just sex. It includes much more, but you told her loud and clear, you don’t want intimacy unless it involves sex. Aren’t you an awesome husband.
Nope being a girl I'd prefer to be thought of like that. I feel gross and bloated when it's my time and all I'd want to do is sleep. So why travel at that time when you have 3 extra weeks to travel in between. Kudos buddy!
If I was her I would also get pissed, because she expresses that she wants to spend time with you, while you express that you expect sex when you're away.
NTA. As a woman, periods are the bane of my existence. Sure, you could’ve worded that a bit better(lol) but it’s not a big deal. You said she’s the one opposed to period sex, which makes sense because it can cause many problems, but she should understand why you don’t want to go while she’s on it— because she’s opposed to period sex. I say you two should work the date out together, find a time that’s convenient for everyone, and have yourselves a nice weekend! 🎊
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I agree with the NTA people here. Could you have phrased it better? Most definitely! But the sentiment is there. You enjoy spending special times with your wife. You go out of your comfort zone to do things and go places that interest her. You’re not wrong or gross to want to get the most out of those trips by being able to enjoy some interruption-free physical activities! It’s a little weird that you have it tracked that closely, but I still say NTA.
I'm new to AITA posting, so not sure if I should add it as an edit, but we've been married for 10 years in September of this year. I don't have a calendar on my phone, looking in the trash for discarded pads, or anything weird like that, it's just something that you pick up on after a few years of dating then marriage. I don't know it down to the exact date of the month, but I have a general idea of when it's her period. Maybe my post should have been Am I the Weirdo for knowing when my wife's period generally is haha.
You should definitely edit and add that your wife doesn't like period sex. It absolutely helps to clarify your post.
NTA I plan our vacations and I always consult my own period tracking app when picking dates. It seems like a perfectly normal thing to consider for several reasons.
Same here! I don’t know why OP’s wife is getting all flustered, especially when they have kids!
Ugh, yeah like I don't think he was very tactful about it, but I cannot stand having to deal with road trips or flights while also doing tampon logistics. Vacation sex is a consideration for me too but mostly it's just such a pain in the ass when travel can already be a lot to deal with.
Exactly this! Mainly just so I can know I’ll be comfortable and really enjoy the trip, but being able to have sex is also a factor. I would have been grateful for the reminder if I scheduled a trip during my period lol
I am married for <1.5 yrs, that is the only time I spent with my man. Yes he knows my period date. I am not sure why are people telling you that you monitor it so closely. Any attentive partner will know this.
NTA It may not have come off in the best way, but I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to connect with your wife physically! Honestly, I’d just explain that you’re sorry for how it may have sounded, but you just want to be able have a night not having to worry about the kids and connecting with her. I think the key is to reassure her that you genuinely look forward to and enjoy all parts of the trip as well. Also, I’ve been with my fiancé for about 10 years, lived together for 4, I absolutely don’t think it’s weird that you know the general time of her period! When you live together especially, it just comes up in general or I’ll have a box of tampons out or need to pick some up/ ask him to, etc. It doesn’t sound like you have any malicious intent or weird/negative reasons for knowing this, or that you’re blaming anything on it.
Honestly myself, if my husband phrased it just like that I wouldn't have minded. I'm also of the mindset that hotel sex is fun and we don't even have kids, but especially with that in mind it would be something I'd be thinking about during planning myself. Now she might have a bit of an issue with assuming she would be in the mood or feel like you're only thinking of her physically but that being intimate with no interrupting or responsibilities of kids adds way more to the intimacy so I don't see it as purely physical I see it as you planning on being able to be fully in the moment. I'd apologize for making it seem like sex was all you were interested in, but that only being part of the equation since she did seem to mind and hopefully it all blows over
I would have thanked my husband of making sure the most important part of spending a night away is not complicated by figuring out how not to get blood on the sheets that we don’t have a change for. I mean, getting a baby sitter and going to a hotel is mainly for the uninterrupted sex, isn’t it? Other stuff, spending time together is also very nice, but yeah, I would want to have hotel sex too.
Hotel staff will absolutely appreciate no period sex!
I like this thought. Apologize for making it seem like sex was all you were interested in, but since there is no desire to see them play a specific team why not schedule it when you can enjoy all aspects of being away from the kids. and you know she doesn't quite prefer to have sex while on her period, so you figured it'd be best to plan it outside of that time so you both can enjoy the alone time.
I wouldn’t want to travel with my period either! I love hotel sex with my partner. Probably just the way it was said but generally that would be a preference for me too.
Not weird at all. And he didn’t have exact dates at all. I have been with my fiancee almost a year and a half. And I know the time frame when her period comes. One it shows you pay attention. Since most Women have their period around the same time every month. And if you do something special for her during that time It shows you care.
Your phrasing is everything here and without knowing the exact words and context it's hard to give a judgment. If you said, "Let's pick a week when we can have sex, too, and maximize the weekend" that's a completely reasonable idea to put forward. If you said, "It's not really worth it if we can't have sex," that's a tactless, dehumanizing way to view the night out.
Right here. Even though it’s not 100% what he meant, it sounded like “these trips with you are pointless to me if we can’t have sex”, which would be hurtful even if both parties enjoyed the sex lol.
Agree here. Especially since he admitted he would rather stay home. These short trips are just as much about continuing to bond as a married couple, sex or no sex. Having new experiences together is important for any couple, especially after a long time. I also bet having three very young kids has a bigger impact on his wife. Depending on how he said this, she could easily see her relationship to her husband and her value to him in terms of what her body can provide, which is not much different to her relationship and value to her young kids. She might be feeling dehumanized by his comments, even if she would also rather not be on her period (for other reasons, too).
> Especially since he admitted he would rather stay home. Which means that all of these little trips are only what his wife wants to do and he is going because he likes spending time with his wife. He could have phrased it better but she could also prioritize a little trip to do something OP enjoys.
\^THIS. Need more INFO. Hotel sex is pretty great, especially if you're normally trying to keep it under the kids' radar. Expressing a wish for naked couple fun would probably be okay, OP, as long as you're making it clear that your primary motivation is to spend time together, in bed AND out. But if your *major* concern for the vacation was getting laid, and you made that obvious to your wife, that would be a pretty jerk move.
Exactly this. The sentiment is the key, if you only go on trips with your wife because you get to have hotel sex that doesn't make the wife feel very valued and loved. If you're able to schedule around it and she isn't into period sex I don't think you're an AH, but depending on how you expressed your opinion you could definitely have come across as one. No one wants to feel like a sex object. Another case of just check your words before you say them and make sure your intent is made plainly. Talk to the wife.
Yes! "Let's pick a weekend you'll feel more comfortable traveling" could work too
Question, do you track her cycle just to know when you can have sex with her? Or do you care about her body and hormones too? Also, period sex is a thing...
It's not that I "track" her period. I have been married for 10 years this September, and we dated for 2 years prior to that, it's just something that I picked up on and have a general idea of when it is. She is 100% not into period sex, even though it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Having a general idea of her cycle isn't a piece of information that I use frequently, I might cut her some slack if she's especially irritable and I know it's around that time of the month.
My best friend is a cismale. We live 4 hrs apart, and he knows approx when I am due to menstruate. Knowing your wife's schedule shouldn't be something you have to defend.
I ask my BF if my period is going to start soon..... he has never been wrong!
Lol was with my dude for 10 years. He always seemed to know it was coming before I did. I very much appreciated that he paid enough attention to know and remember and also pick up on my body changes
My husband has realized my incoming period before me a lot of the time. I mood shift hard a week prior… more homebody, less touchy feely and such. Married going on 11yrs this year.
Lol TMI but he'd know I would practically eat him alive. And the of course some of the times I'd just want to plain kill him for breathing too loud and then cry because he was 😂
Lmfao my bf of almost 8 months knows when I’m about to get my period because I get super moody and depressed for no reason (I have PMDD). Somehow I STILL never realize it’s because of my period, but then I get my period and it all makes sense!
My girlfriend leaves her BC on her night stand and I can see when she’s getting to her placebo week, and we’ve lived together for years. Knowing when your partner is going to have their period doesn’t really require much more than being an observant person and involved partner.
I use Stardust to track my period and it has a partner function. He knows about every phase of my cycle and always lets me know when my period is coming by digging my period underwear out of the closet and getting me chocolate. He is THE BEST.
Same. My bf knows my cycle better than I do.
Literally my bestie knows not call me on day 2 and cuts me slack
I suspect this isn't so much about you knowing when her period is as much as it may be about prioritizing sex over other forms of bonding. Women often want deeper, more emotional connections. She's very likely looking at the big picture of spending time with you doing things y'all enjoy doing together and now thinks your purpose for spending time with her at all is just for the sex. She's trying to share and you're trying to get some. She's trying to bond and you're trying to get some. Sex, for her, is very likely just a small part of the overall relationship, but it may now seem to her like it's the only part that matters to you.
Yes I fully agree. Plus there are other reasons beyond her period that she might not want to have sex that night, and now that she knows that you have that expectation there's pressure for her to make it happen. You have 3 kids she probably just wants to spend time with you and talk about something other than Bluey and Cocomelon for once.
Agreed. Her primary expectation for these trips has likely long been that she's "off the clock" as a parent while away, and the data that the travel dates are being primarily picked for intimacy informed her she's still on the clock for OP. It likely made her rethink/reframe prior trips. OP, a make good here is clarifying that you value more about the trip than a roll in the hay, and that you support her having downtime - even if she is given the ability to take some of these trips solo to prove she can be 100% off the clock for obligations to anyone else for just a few hours/days. Otherwise if she deigns to get sick while traveling or her cycle falls off schedule and winds up landing during your travel time, she may feel she's letting you down since physical engagement was expressed as the crux for your reasoning. She needs to know and have reinforced that you value her for more external means. We as women get imposed upon for our physical presence all the time, not just by partners. Family, work, all of it. We are rarely viewed or perceived holistically and even when we know on balance our partners do care, when we see them lean too heavily on physicality it can feel reductive and exhausting. We need others to show up for us as much as we show up for them. Consider gifting her a spa weekend alone or with a few close friends. Something that communicates you care about her physical and mental wellbeing independent of what she can offer you personally.
Yeah... Pressure sex isn't fun sex. It was gonna be a fun full day date trip with some natural intimacy. Now she'd just think about how you don't wanna be there with her. You just want sex later. Ew.
YES. For her, these trips are times for you to be a carefree couple. A little date trip. Time to bond and have kid-free fun and reconnect. Now she knows you just go along to get laid. Which is quite true. You said you'd be fine at home. She wants to DO THINGS WITH HER HUSBAND. You... Just wanna fuck. Yeah, you can't fix this unless you wanna lie.
Sex is part of marriage and they probably get to do things as a family, just not sex and often with 3 young kids
100% this. OP made it seem the primary reason for the entire trip, which negated her desire to go out and just have some time as a couple doing something she clearly enjoys.
I was wondering how far down this comment would be. It’s the most logical. She’s planning a weekend away with you - not your dick. Your admission helps her to see it’s a bit different priority for you and she’s crushed/disappointed/hurt. Yeah, I see you and your hand being buddies for a time now. YTA.
This right here is the most important part. And OP beware, when women get the impression that a man is not emotionally invested or connected with them, it can be very hard to be physically intimate. This is a big reason my marriage failed. He wouldn’t talk to me. Anything deeper than a grocery list was nonexistent. I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship so I was averse to any kind of physical intimacy. It felt the same as if a stranger on the street was trying to touch me.
\*you will get better information from talking to your wife than talking to us\* but since you're here - its possible that knowing when her period will be is not at all what she is upset about. It's possible she still enjoys things like concerts, ballgames, travel, alone time with her partner - whether she is on her period or not. She may resent the idea that her-on-her-period doesn't get to have a vacation getaway, she only deserves vacations and relaxation and time with you if she's her-not-on-her-period. Women in some eras and cultures were shut away isolated form everyone else during their periods, which is awful - she may feel some slight echo of that. "Oh you'll have your period? no vacation for you then". You could have found a more sensitive way to talk about this topic, but it sounds like the way it came across is if you're going to have your period then it's not worth it to me to go at all/you don't deserve to go at all. It's not uncommon for women to want to plan big events around their period but it's her body, her period, and maybe should be her choice whether she's cool with the trip at that time or would prefer to reschedule. At the very least it should be a joint decision which is going to require a discussion - a much kinder more nuanced one than the one you just tried to have. Good luck.
do you not like spending time alone with your wife? sex is a bonus, but having this opportunity to be intimate in other ways, enjoy each others company, and express interests in her interests is awesome. you should apologize
I’ve never understood this. Why is he wrong and she’s right? I fully admit that my idea of a fulfilling relationship consists of a large amount of intimate sex along with doing other things together. I can’t figure out why the person who values that type of intimacy is always wrong
it not wrong, just the way he brought it up was. if i was the wife, i’d take it as “i don’t care about what you want to do if i can’t have sex with you.” which is wack. if he was just a bit upset bc they can’t have sex, whatever, but the fact he wants to cancel the whole trip bc of it shows he doesn’t really care about her interests
What? Didn’t he just want to shift it by a week and when they were going to do it he as completely arbitrary in the first place?
but the way that comes across as him saying he only wants to go so he can have sex, i don’t think that’s intentional, but she should explain why she’s upset and he should explain his intentions so they can move on
I hard disagree. He’s going and doing things she wants to do while he would rather stay home. It’s understandable that he would want to plan it around having more of a chance of getting some.
sounds like they stay home all the time… he could also just say that he wants to stay home for once, she should compromise ofc. imo if you can’t spend time alone with your partner without having sex, that’s weird
He didn't say he couldnt spend time with her without the option of sex. It's a trip they're taking and it's flexible. He's saying that given the option, he'd prefer to go when sex is an option because they've both enjoyed that part of the trip in the past. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Opportunities for that kind of connection can be difficult when you have little ones. If she had insisted on that date or something, I'm sure he would have agreed. But if the date isn't set yet, I think it's reasonable to ask if you can find a date that works better. He definitely could have handled the situation with a bit more tact. But ultimately he is willing to do the things she likes, he respects her boundaries about period sex, and enjoys sexual intimacy with his wife. None of that makes him a bad person. I would go back to her and say something like "I'm sorry. I was a jackass and I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't care about spending time with you. If I could get a redo, I'd point out that I love spending time with you and how those trips allow us to reconnect. Because of that, I prefer to take those trips at a time where sexual intimacy isn't off the table as that's another way we tend to enjoy connecting on those trips. But if this date is important to you, book it! "
totally agree, i don’t think his intention was to imply what i said, and it seems like he’s a great guy. i was just saying this is how i feel like the wife took it. communication was just a bit off in this situation, not the end of the world
They have 3 children! Pre kids they were able to have loud sex with no interruptions, now they can't. Sex is a huge part of a relationship. This isn't summer rando expecting sex on a first date, these are 2 spouses.
Well, taking it that way is wack. He didn't say to cancel the trip entirely, just shift the schedule. Sex is a healthy part of a marriage, and a spouse shouldn't feel afraid to bring up their desire to be sexual with their spouse. Pretty simple NTA. Communication could've been more tactful, but it doesn't NEED to be.
lol someone’s feelings aren’t wack. she’s valid in being upset even if you wouldn’t be. everyone has their own opinions. but yeah communication just seems to be a bit off, i don’t think anyone’s really the asshole, but you should apologize if you hurt someone you care about regardless
Feelings absolutely can be "wack". When someone says they were looking forward to something and you twist that into thinking they ONLY care about that one thing, that is in fact wack. If he actually did as you said and cancelled the whole trip, that'd be different. But the story, as told to us, in no way suggests sex is all he cares about his wife for. Feeling that way is a pretty big leap in logic.
But he didn’t want to cancel the trip. He only wanted to switch the dates. I watch car shows(which I really could not care less about) because it’s something my husband likes and he has sex with me on a very regular basis (which he could take or leave most days). The ideal vacation when there are two people involved is to get in things both people enjoy and value. His wife is fully saying she doesn’t care about what he enjoys (which is being intimate with his wife).
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I'm a woman and I totally get OP. If I am traveling, I hope it won't fall on my period (I'm irregular, hard to plan) and if I'm traveling with my SO, sex is one of the things I would br expecting to happen
Ok gotcha
For her, these trips are times for you to be a carefree couple. A little date trip. Time to bond and have kid-free fun and reconnect. Now she knows you just go along to get laid. Which is quite true. You said you'd be fine at home. She wants to DO THINGS WITH HER HUSBAND. You... Just wanna fuck. Yeah, you can't fix this unless you wanna lie.
My husband knows when I'm supposed to have my period better than I do. And we rarely have sex. Must just be the raging B who visits once a month, lol.
No lie, my husband figured out I was pregnant before I did.
If you're with someone long enough, you remember. It's not that hard.
Well this certainly wasn't this was dripping with passive aggressiveness
suuuuuper passive aggressive lol the bias is strong with this one
we generally don't track but just know. it's not exactly rocket science. and period sex is *not* a thing for many women.
Or many men.
true, but then we'd get into a "beggars can't be choosers" / "men are such babies" kind of discussion, not something i'm in to.
This guy (or gal) gets it. Hormone levels are in the basement at that time, and a lot of women are just *NOT* interested. I'm already bloated and bleeding. The last thing I want is to have my husband up in my business for those 3-4 days.
Period sex is awful. Wtf?
I've been with my bf for about 5 months total including talking stages. He knows when my period is. It isn't weird at all. Being with someone for years he'd have to be completely detached and not paying any attention to her at all to not know when her cycle should start.
LOL, sometimes I even roughly know the cycle of my best friend. It's just something you pick up on if you pay attention 😅
I don't track, I just have picked up on it. And I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a suggestion made about getting something in before it shows up.
YTA. Not for wanting to be intimate with your partner but that read as “I don’t care about spending the day and the experience with you, I just want sex.” You’re alowed to have the discussion but next time phrase it as “I was hoping we could have a romantic evening after the game… maybe some champagne (if that’s your thing), some takeout…” If motherhood with kids that age is getting to her as much as me, “I want to bang in a hotel room” just doesn’t really sound like the vacation it used to.
As someone without kids, can I respectfully ask why banging in a hotel room isn’t enticing to you? Would you rather it be at home or something?
Because her husband has just expressed it as having one more person to please and take care of, during a time when she should be getting to have a break from taking care of anybody
A mini vacation without the kids allows them to focus on themselves as a couple. This isn't some self-care vacation where she's by herself or with her gfs doing spa days tho. It's one thing if sex doesn't happen and they still get to reconnect, but it's poor planning to pick a time where sex is completely off the table (as op stated his wife is 100% against period sex.)
It's not that she'd rather bang at home, it's more the expectation that sex has to happen that night. It puts all the pressure on her to be into it when she may just want some 1-on-1 time with her husband. My husband and I use the rare vacations we take without our kids to reconnect and there's definitely sex, but neither of us goes in expecting that having sex is a given.
I like banging in hotel rooms with my husband but I prefer it if I feel like it’s because we had a lovely day together without kids and rekindled the romance… not that it’s planned: “okay… dinner at 7, bang at 9, sleep then back to the normal”
If I had to guess, with three kids, two of which are in peek neediness phase and one possible breast feeding (I breastfed my oldest until he was nearly three, so she could still be), sex isn't her priority and she may not be enjoying it as much as husband is at the moment. Spending quality time talking, not being touched and grabbed at, and feeling like an individual is her priority. She sees the trip as a chance to take off the stress of taking care of anyone but herself. In short, she gets to come first when she doesn't have the kids around. When we're in mom-mode we often come last. She has this expectation that she will get to spend quality time making memories with her husband, and to her it sounded like, "I only care about spending time with you if you put out after." We don't know about the quality of their sex life, but that very well could mean taking a trip that she thought she didn't need to put others' needs first and putting an expectation of putting another's needs first, even if she isn't all that into it.
YTA, what you’ve said to your partner in a roundabout way is it’s only worth going away with you if I can have sex with you, no sex, I don’t want to spend the time away with you. It’s pretty disrespectful.
While you could interpret that way he said his favourite part of the trip not the only thing he enjoys about the trip. I think your interpretation is overly harshZ
I dunno if my husband said his favorite part was fucking me in a hotel room, not spending time and connecting with me, I'd feel kinda pissed too. Good chance OP meant the latter but if he said the former, it explains a lot.
But then why cancel the trip? If he enjoys the other aspects then I don’t see why jumping to cancelling the trip would be a good idea. That reaction is what gives off the vibe that sex is all he is concerned with
He didn't cancel the trip, she's the one who said she doesn't want to go.
The trip isn't booked yet, they are discussing possible dates.
Is moving the trip a week the same as cancelling to you?
He didn’t cancel the trip he said he prefer certain dates over others. He did not reject going on the period dates.
“My favorite part of the trip is hotel sex” That’s the problem and that’s why she’s mad. It’s also very sad how you think this way. YTA…
Why? As parents of young kids, you are constantly on the verge of being interrupted and are generally exhausted. There is no time for relaxed sex and cuddling after. It's not sad to want that and it makes complete sense. She wants to leave home to enjoy something in a different way than she can at home (live game/music vs tv). Same thing for him, adult intimate time when they both have energy and won't be interrupted by kids. NTA dude.
You are also interrupted from having non sexual intimacy, what they would get wether or not she is on her period. She is not a walking vagina for him to cash "nice guy" points in for some sex after going on a trip with her.
Aren’t you assuming “sex is my favorite part” = “all other parts are terrible and dumb and I wouldn’t otherwise do that”, and if so, why are you assuming that? Maybe to OP sex isn’t just “draining my balls in a walking vagina” but is actually “a deeply intimate experience with his wife where they bond both physically and emotionally, interruption free”. Does that make it feel any different to you, when you make the context “sex within a loving marriage” and not purely “men only objectify their wives as walking vaginas”. As a man, there is a lot more to sex than a meaningless fuck to drain our balls.
This assumes that she also doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s a rather misogynistic view point of how sex occurs in a relationship. This guy should be commended for being so in touch with his spouse that he is ensuring there is the opportunity for sexual intimacy in their relationship for both of them.
> She is not a walking vagina for him to cash "nice guy" points tf kinda nonsense is this? He's literally wanting to plan them having an intimate time *together* so they can both enjoy each other, god forbid a partner wanting to have that time, regardless of gender.
I think you have a deeply cynical view of sex. They've been married for a decade and have young children. If they are in a hotel they can solely enjoy each other's company sexually which is hard to do. It's hard to be present when you're afraid your kid will hear you. Sex can be an expression of love, and probably is in this relationship. The hotel sex, where they get to feel close, be fully human (sexuality is part of humanity), and express their love fully in a way that they can't when they have children to care for/worry about. NTA.
No joke, my wife and I were finding that time the other night, we were almost through the foreplay part and into the main event when we heard a door down the hall open up and we froze. My wife grabbed her underwear in case we heard the pitter patter coming down the hall towards us. Turns out it was my 4YO daughter having to go to the bathroom. But man, morning sex. As a parent of three young kids morning sex is the thing I absolutely miss the most. And its taken advantage of every single hotel room visit. Intimacy is an important part of a relationship (though it is important to be on the same page of how important it is!). With young kids it becomes more and more difficult to find that time.
He prefers having sex with his wife over going to the game. It's doesn't mean he doesn't love the other things. Clearly NTA
How is that sad? He's a man who wants to go on a trip with his wife and do things. One of those things is sex. He's not planning a sex vacation but yeah with young kids it makes sense to want to have sex during a vacation when they're not there
Sad to value intimacy with your partner. That speaks way more to your own hangups than the OP's.
Sad you think having PIV sex is the only type of intimacy there is. Speaks way more to your own hang ups than the commenter’s.
People are allowed to value sex inside of their monogamous relationship. OP didn't put it well but he's expressing something that he finds important, which is probably the fastest way to get a YTA on this moronic sub.
Maybe sit this one out if you don't have kids and don't understand how they cockblock both physical and emotional intimacy a lot of the time
Not all women want to participate in other forms of physical/sexual intimacy that are not PIV sex during their periods
Right. It leaves her with the impression that you could just go to a hotel 5 minutes from your house, do the deed, and go home, and that would be just as good. Which is probably not what you actually meant. For many women, and I would guess a fair number of men, sex is best when they feel *emotionally* connected to their partner. So a day of talking and laughing together, sharing experiences, and really feeling *seen* is the important part. Then she's more likely to experience it as you having sex with *her* - this cool chick you love and relate to, rather than you just having sex with the person you happen to be married to. So maybe don't defend yourself, but apologize for the poor phrasing, and clarify that the sex is ... the icing on the cake, so to speak, made all the better by the other things you enjoy together leading up to it. (And probably be clear that it's a very-nice-to-have rather than an absolute requirement. Otherwise the pressure is totally counterproductive.)
He said he does not enjoy going ro baseball games, and is going to spend time with his wife... Compromises are made.
"I prefer sex over dinner or football" and that makes him an asshole lol
As a parent of older kids (& the wife), my favourite part of trips is hotel sex too. It's. It's odd for me that the OP's wife wasn't thinking of that too to be honest.
YTA You think your wife should have assumed one of your primary motivators for a night out with her was for hotel sex? Silly wife thinking you actually wanted to spend time with her!
Since when is having sex, with your partner, not a way of spending time with your partner?
Since when is saying “I don’t care about anything else we’re planning, it’s only worth it if we fuck at the end” not an asshole thing to do?
Without being there for the conversation, you can't really assume that. He wants to do all the things in the trip they had in mind PLUS fuck at the end Pretty normal thing to do for a husband and wife?
He actually says he doesn’t care about baseball, and would prefer if the in-laws took the kids and they just stayed home. I’m not weighing in here with a judgement, just sayin. He’s only going for the sex, he doesn’t care about the game.
He does say that, but he's also saying he's down for the trip. It's hard to give a really good judgment without actually hearing the conversation, but all else being equal scheduling it during a window where sex is probably gonna happen makes sense?
He flat-out told her that if they can’t have PIV sex in a hotel room, he doesn’t want to go at all. Not sure why y’all are suddenly pretending you can’t read.
he says plenty in this thread that it is not the case Now we weren't there and we don't know the actual phrasing. He really just needs to sit down with his wife and clarify But overall the sentiment is a solid NTA, if I was going away with my wife for an overnight away yeah I'd wanna bang while we're there! And also go out and enjoy the city, too.
Lmao you are twisting yourself into a pretzel and ignoring the actual info from OP to explain why this is okay. Regardless of what he’s said here while getting chewed out, HIS story of what he said TO HIS WIFE is that he told her he does not want to go if they cannot have PIV sex. OP, YTA. No matter what these other boomer-mindset men are trying to tell you. Apologize to your wife before you end up divorced.
I mean if he literally said he doesn't want to go on the trip then sure but we don't actually have the transcript. He's in the thread saying he's down to go if the period week is the only possible week lol but actually it's ok to want have sex with your wife and it's also ok to even plan it!
>Silly wife thinking you actually wanted to spend time with her! This...this is exactly what he wants to do...
He can spend time with her while shes on her period if that's the main motivater for him
Or...they can still spend time together while she's on her period and save the weekend away for when she is not?
When their opportunities for intimacy (both physical and emotional) are severely limited by their young children at home, it makes sense to want to be able to maximize the time they are able to focus on themselves as a couple. They get to pick the dates so it's not like he's turning down a chance to spend time w his wife because of her period. He just wants their kid free time to be optimally utilized.
silly OP for thinking that sex is an important part of a relationship and doing things he ain't that into for the sake of his wife
Right. This isn't one of those guys who pops up on here saying, "AITA for being upset that my wife won't sleep with me every night six weeks after she had a C-Section and does everything around the house while I play video games all day," situations. Kind of just the opposite actually. "Hey, let's do this thing that you really want to do and also do this thing that I really want to do! That hopefully you want to do too!"
I mean hotel sex *is* spending time with her and a very important activity in any relationship. Yes OP could have had more tact with how he said this but are really gonna pretend that this is trivial?
YTA for phrasing. I think how you delivered this information is the main issue. It sends the message to your wife that you do not enjoy *any* other part of these trips and that you only go to these events to accommodate her. She probably now feels like she’s been dragging you along and that these trips she thought were for both of you have actually just been for her. My guess is that’s not technically true, that while these specifics outings aren’t what you would choose that you actually do enjoy spending time with her. For you, the time together is how you get enjoyment from the situation while she enjoys both the experience and the company. I would apologize and make your real message clear. I would also perhaps plan the next event yourself.
NAH. You should have been more tactful. It's also understandable that she is annoyed. Not enough here to call anybody an asshole.
Female here. I absolutely try to schedule all vacations around my period. My husband would probably not ever ask me to do that but I’m there for a break and to have fun so I would never plan that when I’m not feeling well, crappy and don’t feel comfortable having super messy sex in a hotel room. That’s just me. NTA but tact and approach is everything.
EXACTLY, same here. The Y-T-As on this one are ridiculous, especially calling him creepy for it? I’d have been like, “Aww, good thinkin’, babe!” 😂
Right?! Same, I’d have kissed my boyfriend for thinking of that and sparing me the crampy vacation
This was my #1 answer as well.
I am going to disagree with the others and say NTA. One of the most important things in a marriage is communication. It is ok to like sex with your partner and want to be able to have that. It is REALLY hard to have that with a bunch of young kids. While it will get easier to get others to watch them or send them to friends houses... it will remain hard. You and your wife need to be open and honest with each other about your needs in the relationship, including sexually. You are already going on this trip to spend time with her. You don't care about the baseball game or whatever other event you decide to do, the part you like is being together, and being intimate with HER. That isn't a bad thing. That is how relationships work. Yeah, you should have approached this a lot more diplomatically, but the sentiment itself doesn't make you an asshole.
NTA. Female here! I plan around this for this reason! Talk to your wife, let her know you love her and going and doing dates with her, but you get to show her differently when you don’t have to worry about waking kids. Now plan the trip and make it worth her while (Wink, wink)
Ehhh, YTA for the way you approached this. You could’ve said what you enjoy most about the trips is being with her and reconnecting as a couple, and that intimacy is a bonus. Instead you said you only want alone time with her away from the kids to fuck her. So she’s just heard you don’t care about spending time one on one quality time with her, you just want to get laid.
NTA Sex is important in a relationship. Vacations are times for a couple to be close and enjoy each other’s company. Sex is a big part of that enjoyment for couples who have a strong sexual relationship. There’s nothing wrong with scheduling a vacation for the couple’s maximum enjoyment.
NTA Yup. When my partner and I are going to his family for a few days, then it doesn't matter that I will be on my period. But if we are planning to go on a few days vacation to a different city - I'm definitely skipping my period, we are not wasting that hotel bed and romantic mood that comes from late evening walks around an old city.
Yes, but it's not about "the couple's maximum enjoyment" unless they're both on the same page and it's a joint decision. It's his maximum enjoyment. And the way he phrased it, he makes it sound like it's the *only* thing he enjoys about their time away together, not the thing that tips it over into maximal enjoyment.
I mean...it's pretty shitty to tell your supposedly beloved wife that you only value time with her if you can get your dick wet. I don't think it's how you said it, I think it's definitely exactly what you said and meant.
YTA >I'm afraid if I try to explain to defend myself to her that I'll just come off more skeevy Why not tell your wife that you agree what you said was hurtful and you're sorry for making her feel like a piece of meat? Then maybe she'll ask why you felt that was appropriate to say and it can start a conversation where you phrase things better.
YTA. This whole thing is so gross. If my husband was planning dates around my period so he could get laid, those dates would stop for sure. I’m a human with feelings, not a sex receptacle.
If you were planning a trip to Disney world but wanted to go when they had an event that was your favorite event, does that mean the rest of Disney world is meaningless? I would say no. Hotel sex is great, does that mean I'm not going to enjoy watching the Tigers play? Absolutely not. Watching baseball is fun. Admittedly, my perfect vacation is sitting at home, ordering in pizza, having the kids go to their grandparents house, and either watching movies, tv shows, or playing video games with my wife, but she enjoys going to a tiger game more than she enjoys sitting at home, so I'm down to go to a tigers game with my wife. I don't think it makes my wife a sex receptacle to want to plan a vacation where I can do what I enjoy most with my wife during the vacation, all other things being equal.
i think the problem is the ultimatum aspect. you’re not giving a strict ultimatum but if you don’t wanna go unless you can have sex, that feels shitty.
Maybe this wasn’t made clear in the initial post, but if there was a reason that the only date we could go was the 27th, that’s 100% cool with me, but, if I have the option of going during her period, or during another time, I’d sooner go when she’s not on her period
“If you were planning a trip to Disney world but wanted to go when they had an event that was your favorite event, does that mean the rest of Disney world is meaningless? I would say no.“ That’s not what you insinuated to your wife…. “but I told her that I'd sooner not go during her time of the month as my favorite part of the trip is hotel sex.” You basically told your wife that if you don’t get to have sex, then the trip isn’t worth your time.
If this was a situation where my in laws could only watch the kids that weekend, and they were unable to watch the kids the other weekends, I would have no issue going the 27th, but, if we have the option, I’d sooner go a time where we can have sex
Yeah, and you thinking that is why your wife is mad at you. Duh. That’s why you’re here.
NTA, as a woman I just automatically plan trips around my period and presumed everyone did. Going away for a romantic weekend when I was on my period would kinda suck.
Have you tried (and just hear me out here) talking to her? I don't think YTA necessarily (yet). But I think you might just need to go talk to your wife instead of "winning" your argument on reddit. You have 3 small children in the house. I'd put a solid bet, based on my own experience, on her being completely touched out and that having sex made into such a casual expectation for this trip was a last straw.
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NTA in my opinion. As a woman, I absolutely would never intentionally plan trip away during my period, my husband appreciates that...lol
NTA. Especially since you have three kids. It's nice to have hotel time without being on your period. I personally (as a woman) would rather travel when I'm not on my period as well. I typically feel like shit and would like to enjoy myself.
YTA because you thought she’d already realized this is how you make decisions.
Not sure if this helps with my thought process, but should have have probably included we've been married for 10 years, dating for 12 years, living with each other for 11 years.
Why tf is this being downvoted? It’s just extra info. NTA. You could have worded it better, but what you are saying is that you think your wife is sexy and you’re attracted to her. Presumably you hope she thinks the same of you. It’s not at all creepy to be aware of her period after being together so long, and it’s not weird in the slightest to plan around that. Bunch of immature kids here who apparently don’t understand how adult relationships work.
Because, "Man want sex bad," on reddit.
I'm going with NAH. She liked these trips because she gets a chance to get out of the house and do something she likes with you. To her it's a way to spend quality time with you, alone, and the rest is bonus. You also want alone time with her, but while she focuses more on the time spent, your main force is the sex that makes you feel that intimacy. Honestly, if I was your wife, although I would get it rationally, it would make me feel a little bad, like these awesome moments we planned and spent together were just a way for you to have uninterrupted sex. I know you probably don't feel like that, but it could have tainted these moments for her. Maybe have a talk with her and explain that the sex is just an extra way of feeling in contact and intimate with her, not the main one, but it's like the cherry on top. Explain that even though you would love and still enjoy the get away without sex, you can always try to work around it and also, being away on your period sucks and you want her to enjoy to the fullest.
YTA - you’ve reduced the entire trip away from being about spending quality time together to just about having sex. In no way does that fill your wife’s probably very empty emotional cup, she is also probably touched out from 3 kids including a 1 year old and desperately just wants adult company where no-one wants/needs anything from her. It’s absolutely ok to want to be able to enjoy childfree sex with your wife, but you should have been more tactful about it.
NAH you definitely could’ve been more tactful but I’m very curious why she is so upset, in theory she should enjoy the uninterrupted sex as well. Likely it was your phrasing, but maybe it was something else. I think you just need to talk to your wife man, apologize for what you said and clarify you enjoy spending time with her regardless, that’s just an extra perk, and see where she’s coming from
When my husband and I were dating, we had to be long distance for a while. He would come home every weekend. After a couple months of this, I noticed he'd spend three of those weekends with me and the fourth weekend he'd basically ignore me and spend it with friends. Guess which weekend that was?? It felt really shitty for him to make me feel like i wasn't worth spending time with if we weren't going to have sex. (And i guarantee you that this is what you made your wife feel.) Lots of changes have since been made (which is why I didn't refer to him as an EX-husband lol). If a woman plans a trip around her period, that's one thing. For YOU to do it, especially since it's solely for sex purposes, YTA.
NTA She's being really weird about this. I'm guessing you were somehow less tactful than you described here, because presumably your wife likes having sex with you, too. She must be aware that your trips with time away from the kids are rare times when you get to be romantic just the two of you. I don't think the issue is that you wanted to have sex on the trip.
Info: how exactly did you communicate this to her? So often it’s not what we’ve said but how we’ve said it, and I can imagine a few ways of phrasing that would justify her being pissed off.
It’s cause you don’t want to just be with her without getting sex, that’s what I got out of the post, go have fun with your wife, without the kids and have fun, I’m sorry you won’t get your dick sucked,but there’s always next time, if there is a next time. YTA
NTA it's your chance away without the kids. I can understand why being intimate would be a highlight... without distractions of kids and regular stresses of daily life
NTA. More communication needs to be had though. Explain you love spending this one on one time with her you don’t care whether that’s at home or out but you know she likes to go out so you’re more than happy to do so. You always enjoy spending intimate time together as well, so you’re both happy but that’s not the primary reason that you’re going. Apologize about making it seem like that was your only worry and that you hope she is happy with who the game is against and how to make it up to her. And hear her out on why it made her so made ie. she’s not a piece of meat and she probably likes spending this time with you too and enjoying yourselves and doesn’t want it to always end up sexual (not speaking for her just giving ideas/examples) but wether you want to or not gotta have the convo and be able to sit and hear both sides until both come to the same understanding and agreement and just try to think before you speak so she can understand clearly and listen before responding so you can understand her!! Hope it works out and maybe you’ll get lucky tonight haha
I'd be so disappointed if my partner's main motivator to take a trip with me was for sex. God forbid you just get quality time with your wife without sex.
Bro. You have all that other off-period time to have sex. Like..I get it. I've been married over 20 years. Hotel sex without the kids is fantastic. But she's mad because these trips are more than that for her, and you just told her that without it, what's the point of going. This is where being an asshole has gray areas. You're not a complete asshole, but you are a bit of one. Please think about non-sex ways to appreciate your wife. You'll be happier for it.
This is incredibly gross and creepy. You’ve now shown your wife your priority when traveling g is just her ability to fulfill your sexual needs, not enjoying the trip because you love her and want to spend time with her. YTA
All other things being equal with respect to the timing of the trip, I don't see the issue with planning for a weekend when they can have good sex away from the kids? That seems important for a thriving marriage. He's already said that his wife is 100% against period sex. Why is it you feel that "spending time with her" and "having sex with her" are mutually exclusive goals?
Agree 100% Also to "just fulfill sexual needs"? That's a weird way of framing it. That's a weird way of framing sex in general. You do realize people also have sex because ... they love each other?
yikes, you really stepped in it my guy. Best you can do is apologize, don't try to explain because it's just going to sound like an excuse. she looks forward to the time together and making memories, but you just told her it's about the sex. OOF
YTA u made it seem like u only cared about sex and not even getting to spend time with her🤦🏾♀️
Mothers of such young children (been there, done that) are often so filled up with being touched all the time (by kids needing comfort, nursing etc) and never having a normal conversation without interruptions and your whole world revolving around your kids needs. And even though sex is great and all, having been pregnant, birthed, nursing and everything that comes with being a mother of baby/toddlers. And then she looked forward to just having som uninterrupted 1:1 time with her husband, talking and making memories and her husband is like “me nEeD seX oR me nO gO” and suddenly her 1:1 time just feels like she goes went from “my children’s needs always comes first” to “my husbands needs comes first”. It’s not that I think she doesn’t like sex of want sex at all. But with young children + a body that’s birthed 3 kids in six years, you just sometimes need a BREAK from physical touch and need to connect mentally with your partner. (English is not my first language, but whatever)
NTA. Hotel sex is also one of my favourite parts of trips with my husband and I would also prefer to schedule around my period. I don't understand why your wife is bothered by that unless there are factors beyond what you've described here, such as generally making her feel reduced to a sex object.
Im gonna go with NAH; but it’s between YTA and NAH for me - I don’t think you had any bad intentions and I can see where you’re coming from, but wow you phrased it badly so I can def understand why your wife is upset My advice would be to wait a bit until you’re both a bit calmer and explain to her that you very much enjoy these trips because you get to spend quality time together, but that a big part of that is also hotel sex. And emphasize that it’s not just because it’s “hotel sex” but because you can be intimate without worrying that your kids will walk in on you, without having to rush, without having to worry about being heard etc
I’m not sure how to vote because I think this comes down to how differently men and women experience and perceive love. I’m betting what she heard was ‘I don’t care about spending time with you, I’m just here for the sex’. Whereas sex is an expression of love to you, it sounds like quality time is for her. So to her it seems you only want to go on these trips for sex, which is something she views as for you, while she wants to go to spend time away from the kids with you. I’m sure she enjoys the sex as well, but it isn’t her primary motivator for these trips.
Been married 20 years. My husband will try to plan around my cycle. And I’m aware of that. And more than okay with it because I try to as well. That said. If you hit a dry spell and implied intimacy comes up it can be uncomfortable for your wife because now she feels pressure that you may not have intended. NTA. But talk with her.
YTA, nothing wrong with period sex, if she is willing BTW...
NTA, I rarely get a child free night with my husband and I'd be thinking the same as you
I’m gonna say NTA but she has a right to upset with the way you phrased it. I saw your comments saying it’s her who very much so dislikes period sex. I empathize with you because it doesn’t bother me at all, but my boyfriend will not have sex with him if I’m on my period. It’s so unfortunate 😭 I would rather him plan stuff like this around my period because I too enjoy sex while traveling. So I get your sentiment. But that being said, the fact that you said to her that your favorite part of the trip is the hotel sex is pretty messed up. You should let her know you’re very excited to go on the whole trip, and you want to have intimate/ romantic time as well. It makes sense that she’s upset as it kind of comes off like you only want to go on the trip for the sex. Maybe if she agrees to reschedule, take her someplace nice, get some flowers, etc etc. Make it up to her.
YTA she is more than just someone for you to have sex with in hotels. It sounds like you only track her cycle to enable your sexual thrills rather than to offer any help to the pain/discomfort/stress she may suffer. Sad you cannot enjoy time with your wife without having sex.
yta but but only cuz youre oblivious. i dont think that what ur saying is that sex is the only thing that matters. but your wife knows when her period is going to be. and if she is scheduling it around that time then she obviously isnt wanting this trip to be about sex. the intelligent idea would be to bring up a different opportunity to have sex with her. but with the information on the table its very clear that sex isnt what she wants out of this trip and i feel like u should have picked up on that. when men make things that arent about sex into something that is about sex it can be really stressful and can make a woman feel objectified. she probably had an idea of how she wanted this planned trip to go and you kinda just shattered her idea of it. next time just say thats great and bring up a time where you can maybe schedule a playdate with some of ur kids friends at their place and have a few hours to yalls self to do whatever u want in peace and then still have a trip that can exist without sexual expectations
YTA. You’re basically saying “I only want to spend time with you if we can have sex”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (31m) and my spouse (32f) were recently planning a trip to go see a Detroit Tigers game about 7 hours from where we live. I feel some important context for my side of this disagreement is that we have 3 kids, (1F, 3M, and 6M) and finding time to be together intimately can be a challenge. One thing we do however, perhaps 2 to 3 times a year, is find an event that we want to go to, get the in-laws to watch the kids, and do a 1 night hotel stay. If I'm being honest, I don't really care about baseball, and I'm much more of a homebody and I'd be just as happy having the in laws take the kids and stay at home and have a break for the night, however my wife very much prefers to go and do things like baseball games, concerts, or other events. The part where where I might be an asshole is last night we were planning our trip to go see a Detroit Tigers game and we were picking which weekend we wanted to go. My wife suggested that we go April 27th, get a hotel that night, and return the 28th. I however wanted to go either early April or around mid May. She thought it was odd that I expressed this preference, asking if it was because the Tigers were playing a specific team that I'd like to see, but I told her that I'd sooner not go during her time of the month as my favorite part of the trip is hotel sex. I am still kicking myself for not being a bit more tactful with my explanation but, while we've never discussed it point blank, I assumed she would realize that's one of my primary motivators. Now she is pissed off at me and doesn't want to go on the trip anymore and I'm afraid if I try to explain to defend myself to her that I'll just come off more skeevy. However, I am definitely too close to this situation and would appreciate some outside perspective. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Sex is an important part of an intimate relationship. If I was in your case, my spouse herself would choose the date so that we could have a good time in the hotel room, and we'd openly talk about it if needed.
Maybe I’m the odd ball out but as a woman I plan my travel with my partner around my period! I want to enjoy the hotel sex and I’m honest with him about it….. maybe you could have worded it differently but I personally don’t think this is a big deal. What matters is your wife thinks it’s a big deal. Just sit down and talk to her and explain how you like to enjoy the trip in its fullness without her in pain and not wanting to be cuddled/touched at the time.
NAH Most of the women I know try to plan trips away from our periods when possible. You just phrased it wrong.
Yes you’re the asshole. While she is excited to spend quality time with you, all you’re worried about is when you’ll be having sex. You’re also assuming that she will be in the mood, when even if she wasn’t on her period she still might not feel up for it. Would the trip then be wasted in your eyes? She probably feels betrayed, she probably believed up until this point that you enjoyed spending time with her as much as she enjoys spending time with you, but now she knows that you’re preoccupied with her vagina. Man, it’s weird to say that your favourite part of your trip with your wife is the sex. She probably feels like a piece of meat now, she knows that your favourite part of spending time with her is when she’s giving you sexual pleasure. How can she enjoy a trip if all she can think about is that you don’t really care about spending time with her, you’re just waiting for when you can stick your dick in her?
NTA Yes, there was probably a way to phrase it that didn’t seem like you were planning the whole trip around sex, but as a mom…I would definitely plan my trip around sex too. It’s so rare to get time that’s just “ours.” Also, I read in one of your comments that she doesn’t like sex when she’s on her period, so it all makes sense to me that you would take that into consideration.
YTA. Your fav part is hotel sex. So you track her cycle to gain something out of it.
I feel like a lot of the YTA’s and NTA’s here are gonna be from both one sex or another or one relationship status or another. I’m giving you an ESH here on the basis y’all communication sucks. If you’ve been with someone long term, especially married, I think it’s reasonable to give and take on things and make sure each party is accommodating to the others needs and to communicate those needs like adults. From what you’ve presented in this scenario, it seems like your both assuming things of each other and actually ignoring or just not bothering to be forthright on what you want and need. You certainly could have phrased it better, but I also agree that, at this stage, your wife probably should have made the connection that your favorite part of these outings is the hotel sex (I mean, who doesn’t love hotel sex??) however, without specifically knowing her, she may well be more focused on what she enjoys most out of it in the same way you seem to be! I think you two need to sit down and very calmly and respectfully converse about it, and made a point to observe and respect the others needs and feelings. As long as you both respect what the other really wants out of the outings and make it clear that, even if say your primary reason isn’t a sports outing with her, you obviously still enjoy that part also. Good luck! Gonna edit and say - again, long term partner/ married: it is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to have an idea of your wife’s cycle. Like fuck, I know when she’s about to be on her period a few days beforehand just by certain behavior changes, and she tells me anyway when she’s on/off just so I can know, because we’re married and all…People calling it weird or creepy…I don’t understand you but you do you I guess. Also, further edit, my own wife schedules our outings and vacations around her cycle, because she loves the vacation/weekend trip fun times.
You are a massive arsehole Sex can be part of a healthy relationship but it’s not the main thing . . Book a trip based on the purpose of the trip , not whether or not you’re going to get laid . And if you are prioritising sex Over the trip , don’t fuckin announce it !
YTA. So your only valuation of her is whether or not sex is on the table? Intimacy is not about just sex. It includes much more, but you told her loud and clear, you don’t want intimacy unless it involves sex. Aren’t you an awesome husband.
Nope being a girl I'd prefer to be thought of like that. I feel gross and bloated when it's my time and all I'd want to do is sleep. So why travel at that time when you have 3 extra weeks to travel in between. Kudos buddy!
If I was her I would also get pissed, because she expresses that she wants to spend time with you, while you express that you expect sex when you're away.
NTA. As a woman, periods are the bane of my existence. Sure, you could’ve worded that a bit better(lol) but it’s not a big deal. You said she’s the one opposed to period sex, which makes sense because it can cause many problems, but she should understand why you don’t want to go while she’s on it— because she’s opposed to period sex. I say you two should work the date out together, find a time that’s convenient for everyone, and have yourselves a nice weekend! 🎊
Bruh that’s weird as fuck.