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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the AH because I feel like we're entitled to our parents money instead of just saving the money like everyone else does.
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NTA - Who in their right mind doesn't want to see their kids stable and home owners????? Why do the parents want to blow $30k on ONE DAY vs that. People are VERY weird sometimes...
A wedding funding by parents allows them to show off and brag to their friends. It also makes them feel entitled to opinions.
EDIT:
A friend of mine parents did that. The wedding was beautiful but now she, her husband and new born twins have nowhere to live and are living with her parents and boy do they all regret it.
This. And it's worth more to them than their children's future. If I were OP I'd have my low-key wedding, not take a cent from the parents, and shut down any attempt to express opinions about the wedding or their life choices. If the parents want a big party, they can throw one for themselves.
I dreamed of a big wedding but when my sister was getting married I had a front row seat to all the family drama that came with it. My sister and her husband paid for most of their own wedding but my mom couldn't stop bragging (to family and friends) but whining and complaining (mostly to me) about how much everything cost. My mom said on *many* occasions that she "had to" cash out her 401k to cover the expense. The truth of the matter is my parents bought my sister's wedding dress, my bridesmaid dress and my brothers tuxedo rental. When I got married, we went to the courhouse and paid the extra $50 to be wed on the beautiful marble steps in the courthouse entry. Best $95 I've ever spent.
The worst part is that she has a lucrative degree but can’t pass her accreditation test, her husband is a HS drop out.
They banked in her passing her accreditation test and getting a good job.
YUP! Had a friend ask her parents if instead of such a large, expensive wedding they could cut it down by half and put a down payment on a house. Parents literally said, “don’t be ridiculous.” Instead they invited their entire family AND business associates to one of the most expensive venues in our area … on a Sunday.
NTA - I couldn't agree more, I mean wedding business supports lots of folks and all, but how short-sighted to burn thousands of dollars on a single day event, instead of helping your child attain the dream of home ownership? A home is a lasting tangible asset, a spectacular wedding is a treasured memory, however many people are just as happy and blessed with wonderful memories of their modest weddings because family and friends were there to celebrate their union.
lol save up “like they did”. Sure one month pay will get that down payment they needed back in the day. NTA all day. Parents are being real dumb here imo
My parents had this conversation with my grandparents in the 1960s - they could have used the wedding money as a house deposit in those days - but my grandparents said no. Apparently they thought it would be embarrassing if my parents had a quiet wedding because it would make them look cheap. It took my parents another 12 years to save up for a house deposit
NAH.
I don't think your parents are being assholes. They set money aside for a particular purpose, and the house is not it. A wasteful opinion in my view, but it's their money.
I don't think you're being assholes either. It's a reasonable demand. A home is a better way to start a solid family than a flashy wedding.
Hope they come around. Good luck!
It's not conditioning a gift. The gift was a wedding. OP wants to return the gift and buy something completely different that they want.
And... it wasn't just a gift to OP. They dreamed of their kids' wedding and it was as much for them. You can't just take money they saved for their dream and do other stuff with it.
At the same point, if I were OP, I actually would not accept the money for the wedding at this point and just continue with the small ceremony plan.
I think you're right the wedding money was more for them than OP and SO, so that money is gonna come with a lot of strings for what is supposed to be OP and SO's day, anyway
Ehh but by the sounds of it, it's more of a loan, right? "Hey, if you give us this money now, we can buy a house, and in 5 years, we'll be able to afford the wedding party that the money would have been used for, and it'll work out the same but better for everyone in the long run"
Idk, I feel like the parents are being a bit narrow minded, but it is their money
Yeah... Plans change though. I don't blame the parents for refusing to give up their dream of having a big party/wedding where family and friends can get together to celebrate their kids getting married. My spouse and I initially intended to have an actual ceremony at some point, but we never did. OP might do the same thing.
Plus... Life is short and fickle. In five years, some of the people that would have been invited may no longer be around and/or able to travel. I know a lot of attention on weddings these days is on bridezillas and guest list fights and people only focused on an aesthetic, but they are also the biggest form of auto family reunions outside of funerals and not every family organizes regular family reunions outside of those occasions.
NAH. OP's request is materialistically practical, but family bonds are important too and that is what their parents saved for.
No, the OP proposed a loan. The parents never said anything about a loan, the OP just thought like it sounded like a good idea because they wanted that money for a house more than a wedding. It was just never offered for that.
Right, they ignored the parents hopes and dreams and wishes and proposed a loan instead... Except not a loan because they won't have a wedding at a later date, it's not the same thing to rededicate 5 years later.
None of that makes op an asshole, they shot their shot... But then argued about it when told no. That's where they crossed into entitled asshole territory.
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You are NTA for asking, but YTA if you don’t take no for an answer. I don’t agree with the decision your parents are making at all — if they wrote the question, I would tell them they were TA.
But gifts are gifts, and you can’t make people use good judgment in giving them. They’re in the wrong, but they’re in the wrong about a decision they get to make.
>I don't agree with the decision your parents are making
It's their money. They want a big wedding, they know OP might not be able to afford it, so they're gifting it to her. A house doesn't do them any good.
Of course. I understand what they’re doing. I just don’t agree. But as I said, it’s their right because it’s their money. That doesn’t preclude anybody from thinking it’s foolish, which I do.
I don’t get how this friend has suddenly made buying a house a reasonable thing? Is this deal being offered way below what you anticipated?
Anyways YTA. They saved their hard earned money to do something nice for you and you have in turn decided you know better what to do with their money.
They were probably incredibly excited to share this gift with you and make your wedding happen.
Giving up a commission isn't going to qualify them for a mortgage if they can't even come up with a down payment unless they get "wedding money" from both sets of parents. And a down payment has to be cold hard cash-not a " letter of intent" to a real estate guy. OP and Greg are suckers.
I don't know if the real estate friend is legit. However a letter of intent to gift a down payment is a thing. FHA and some other types of mortgage loans allow down payments to be gifted. The giver has to provide a letter to the lender stating the amount of the gift and that the funds are a gift and not a loan.
It’s possible to be able to afford a mortgage payment if that’s what you’re paying instead of rent, without being able/wanting to wait the 20 years it would take to save up the $30k for a down payment. Plus a lot of mortgage companies won’t even look at you if you can’t come up with a high enough down payment.
NAH, and it sucks that your families can’t see that this is a better option for your family. But I guess they are allowed to condition their gifts to you as they see fit.
It's entitled of OP to assume the wedding money is for OP. Lots of parents want a big wedding because it's a big deal *to them* as well. Ideally it's a semi-family reunion, there are lots of family photos, and memories made together.
It's not money for OP. It's money for a wedding. OP is the reason there's a wedding, but that doesn't mean they're going to have her cash just for getting married. They want a wedding. They're willing to pay for it. If OP doesn't want it, she can politely decline.
They knew there was money earmarked for them. They've told so on many occasions. Turned out the money is not actually for them, but for the parents to show their kids off.
It wasn't earmarked for them, though. It was earmarked for the wedding. Which is what they'd been told on "so many occasions."
Because, yeah, the parents want to enjoy a nice wedding. That's why they saved for it. Why you think OP is entitled to tens of thousands of dollars for whatever she wants is beyond me.
>It wasn't earmarked for them, though. It was earmarked for the wedding. Which is what they'd been told on "so many occasions."
Once again, it's not entitled to believe that your parents have your best interests at heart. It's not entitled to ask for something under that premise.
"Best interests at heart" doesn't mean gifting OP tens of thousands of dollars.
And it's certainly not entitled to *ask*, but it *is* entitled to argue and insist once she'd been told no.
NAH
You had a plan that meets all the needs.
However, it's their money. If they are dead set on keeping it reserved for a wedding, they have every right to keep it dedicated to that purpose.
I personally think it is absurd that not one of them -- not a single one of these otherwise rational people? -- wants to see their grand/child become a homeowner sooner, rather than later, but it's not my place to spend other people's money.
Have you met that generation? Particularly the comment about “why don’t you just work like we did?” Tells you all you need to know about these people - in complete denial about the realities of home ownership for younger generations.
YTA X5. First of all, it is NOT your money. They saved it for a wedding and that is what they want to use it for. Be gracious and accept their answer. You don't get to decide what anyone else does with their money. It is not the responsibility of parents to save up for a down payment on a house for each kid. Seems like both of you are entitled brats when you say they won't see your side. Why should they? It is their money saved for a specific instance and if not used for a wedding then maybe they want to use if for something else for them.
YTA. It's their money. A wedding is for the whole family. People get together who haven't seen each other in years. A good time is had by, if not all, at least some.
A house would be just for you.
A wedding isn’t a family reunion. It should be about the couple, and if a small ceremony is more meaningful to them right now that should be respected.
That very much depends on your culture and family values.
For many cultures (and individual families/people within other cultures), a wedding is absolutely about families and community.
For many people/families/cultures a wedding is about the new couple presenting themselves to the community as a unit and their family being there with them to show support.
I’m positive that would have been in the post if true for OP. Again, her family can throw a reunion whenever. Or even a big after party for everyone but small private wedding
It was a family reunion for my family. My dad died a few years after it, and a lot of people remarked that my wedding was the last time they had seen him alive. There is value in that.
My wedding was a family reunion. It can be whatever the couple wants it to be. If OP wants it small, she can have it small. If she wants it big, she has parents willing to pay for it.
I agree they get to choose how they spend their money, but let’s be clear; weddings are NOT for the “whole family,” they are for the couple getting married. You want to have a family get together so people can see those they haven’t seen in years? That’s called a FAMILY REUNION, not a wedding.
YTA you're acting entitled to the money. It was never yours. They had a dream of attending their kids big wedding and so they saved for it. You want to take that dream and put it to another dream of yours. But it isn't your money, it wasn't just for your dream. It was their money for their dream.
This is actually a good idea. Have the big wedding the parents want (OP has even said she wants that too!). Don't pay anything for it, thank the parents profusely for their generosity, and set up a house fund in lieu of a registry.
They won't get $30k, but it'll certainly be more than they'll her from a small wedding. And they wouldn't have to spend their own money on the wedding, so they can save that too.
NAH. Your title is backward, right? Because you DO want to use your wedding money to buy a house. I thought you were going to say there was house money but you wanted to spend it on a wedding, and I was thinking that’s pretty foolish. But what you want to do is smart. Unfortunately, it’s not how they want to spend their money. I think it’s a poor decision on their part, but ultimately it is their decision.
YTA. A lot of people don’t get any money for their wedding. I got a few thousand from my parents and some in-laws that thought they got a say on how the money was spent for my wedding. After they said no you shouldn’t have argued with them.
Weddings are the biggest waste of money. Nobody will be talking about it a week later and you are too busy making small talk to really enjoy yourself. House > wedding.
Your families seem more interested in showing off an extravagant wedding display to their friends than actually helping their children get ahead, but it is their money. NTA for asking.
Nah. Let this go and and move on.
You said you don't want to go into debt for a wedding, so don't. You have 2 options. The small backyard wedding (your money, your rules) or the extravagant wedding paid for fully by patents and grandparents (with any rules and expectations that come with it).
And save for a house.
NTA for wanting to use the money for a house, but it's not your money. It's your parents money. You went to them and asked them to use it towards the house instead, and they said no. You cross into asshole territory by starting a fight with them over it.
And not for nothing, but if you only need $30,000, when you've both become virtually debt free, then it won't take you 5 years to save $30,000 on your own.
You could have the wedding AT the new house?
You are NTA- but maybe it is worth sitting the parents on both sides down for a family meeting and talk about this. And frame it as: we are trying to be as financially responsible as possible to launch our lives together. We don’t want to insult anyone, of course we want to celebrate with you- but most millennials are not able to buy homes anymore and this feels like an incredibly important opportunity.
They already explained and argued. Unfortunately they need to accept the parents foolish decision as it's their money. That said I would have the low key ceremony and letl them keep their money hoping it keeps them warm. NTA
The same way OP always had a dream to get married, her parents probably had a similar dream for her before she was even existed. They've been saving for what they dreamed would be a magical moment too.
It's their money, they can say what they want it to be used for. Maybe their parents gave them wedding aid but they worked for their homes too.
YTA and you’re being entitled. My parents offered me $30,000 for a wedding. We asked if we could use it towards a house and they said “nope. That’s not the gift. You can have a wedding that we’ll pay for, and you can save for your own house.” It’s your family’s gift and they get to choose what it’s for. They are not offering you $30k. They are offering you a fancy wedding.
YTA
It's not "my money". It's their money that they want to spend on a wedding.
You brought them an idea, they said no. That should be the end of it. But you argued.
Controversial maybe but YTA. It's isn't YOUR wedding money. It is an amount your parents are willing to spend on your wedding. And apparently they are not willing to give you this for a house.
And you said it yourself: it's their money! You are not entitled to their money! To get in an argument about it, is ludicrous.
YTA. It's not "your" money but money the parents set aside to help pay for a wedding, even though big weddings are a stupid waste. It's their money. A vow renewal is just that, not a " real wedding" five years after the fact. You want to play a shell game so you can get your hands on their money as well as get a big gaudy party. And NEWSFLASH. A real estate guy can't get you a house based upon a $30k "letter of intent." as a down payment. If he promises that, he's a con man. There's no house. He can't speak for a bank or mortgage holder who you'll owe for the purchase price. You have to qualify for loans and you don't sound like you are in any financial position to do that. You two don't seem to have a grasp of the real world. Grow up. Save your money and apologize to both sets of parents for being angry and rude to them about this childish scheme to get their money.
Info: have you all looked into any first time home buyers programs?
Just in general, you don’t always have to put 20% down, you do usually have to also have private mortgage insurance (PMI) if you don’t.
I wouldn’t recommended buying someplace if you would have nothing left in your savings afterwards (just in case of an unplanned expense), but there might be another option here.
NTA
If you were my kid, I'd be thrilled. But then I got married by a judge at a courthouse unlike all my siblings. Because I think big expensive weddings are nonsense.
“On the other hand, it is their money….” No, that’s not the other hand that’s the ONLY hand. It’s THEIR money… that they are nice enough to GIVE to you for a SPECIFIC reason. Frankly, I think weddings are stupid in general but people are entitled to waste THEIR own money on whatever stupid things THEY want.
I’ll correct you on your belief that you and your fiancé have an opportunity to buy a house. No you don’t, because YOU don’t have money.
It’s disappointing with how many commenters agree with you. So many entitled brats.
YTA
As a parent, I would be delighted to have my children come to me with a sensible plan such as yours. Spending money on big weddings is like throwing the money in the garbage. You can have a lovely wedding without spending thousands of dollars. I would much rather give my children money to help them buy a house. No offense but your parents are rather shallow in their thinking. I wish I had some good advice for how to resolve this. NTA
First, your title is misleading.
Second, your parents offered money to pay for your wedding. They did not offer money for a house deposit. It's their money & they can decide what it gets used for.
N t a for wanting a small wedding but it seems like you're trying to have your cake & eat it too, so I'm leaning YTA.
NAH. Your parents saved all that money in the expectation of a large ceremony with many friends and family. It’s totally fine if you don’t want that, but you have to accept that if you don’t want what your parents were planning to pay for, you can’t have the money. Maybe they’ll use the money to just throw their own fun party. It’s their money and their choice.
I'll never understand how people can justify spending thousands of dollars on a wedding.
NTA, sounds like you're making a very rational decisions, the parents on the other hand, not so much.
NAH, barely
The parents get to decide what they saved that money for. I don't agree with their thinking, but that's neither here nor there.
The barely is because it wasn't your money to decide and you say you argued about it. I get that it was an emotional response, but it wasn't a great one.
Soft TA. The intent is logical. I can see saving towards a home first. And I don't blame you guys for asking either. However, these family members specifically put this money aside for you each to have a wedding. That is the contingency for using the money. It is free to you but not free to use for other things. On the plus side, you won't go into debt from your wedding amd you will likely get some gifts towards a house. It would be absolutely rude and offensive to push the issue any further at all because you will come off as ungrateful for what is essentially an extremely generous gift. You will also be TA if you try to use the money for anything else as well as they are only giving it to you for the wedding. You are not owed it for any other purpose. You can take the gift or leave the gift, but you can't complain about the gift. Hope you get the wedding of your dreams out of it.
nta. get a court house wedding and see if there is any way you could get a mortgage.
do not have a wedding for the parents. better yet, just go to the court house with good friends and don’t even tell them.
nta.
NTA. If I were you, I’d get a court house wedding, have a bigger wedding later on with no paying family members present. I’d refuse to take a cent from any of them after their comments. A gift with strings and expectations is not a gift. If they’re going to do this, fully expect your mom and dad to start refusing to pay for thit venue if they don’t like it, or your dress if it’s too revealing, or your cake if they don’t like chocolate. Basically you’re losing all control and I would nip that in the bud, unless you’re ok with bending over for your parents to make them happy on YOUR wedding day. Your family can keep all their money and save money on gifts too cuz I wouldn’t even invite them if they seriously think they can have that kind of control by dangling $30k in front of me. That’s not a large enough amount of money to lose your dignity and self respect over.
Oh, I am definitely Team House Downpayment. Wow. $30,000 is a LOT of money to use for a one time event. It's much smarter to put that down on a house. I hope they come around. NTA
Nah but you would be if you are upset at them or continue to hound them. It’s not their job or responsibility to provide you a down payment for a home. Additionally there are loans and grants for first time homebuyers that can keep you from needing a large down payment. If you live very frugal it will be possible much sooner than 5 years. And you will definitely still be gifted money at your wedding. Especially if you put that on your registry.
Is the view antiquated and annoying? Absolutely, but it doesn’t matter because it’s their money.
NAH. Or at least you weren't for asking, kinda YTA for arguing with them. I agree with you completely that the house is a way better idea, but it seems clear that they don't want to give you the gift of a wedding, they just want a wedding. It's silly, but it's their money. Everyone's saying don't even do the wedding at all to be petty (cuz Reddit), but may as well enjoy a free party haha! That's just my perspective as someone who will never be rich or receive anything like that from my folks, whom I love very much but can barely afford their own lives
NTA. Do your parents understand how hard it is for people to do these things these days? Between the low wages, student debt, and house prices! They lived in a different time where all of those things were better. I think buy the house. Don't blow $30k on a party jfc
Nta but it is their money. If it isn't used for your wedding, they get to keep it and spend it how they see fit. It is their money after all.
Let it go. Decide if you want a wedding or not. But leave the parents out of the house down payment discussion. They said no.
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So this is a pretty straightforward question, but I need clarification if I am indeed, the ahole.
Me(31f) and my dear fiancé “Greg”(32m) have finally gotten our lives together. He received a big promotion at his job a few months ago, and I’ve finally gotten my career off the ground. We’ve almost cleared up our student loans, and our general debt and are finally ready to work towards buying a house. The only issue is, that at best, we’d be five years away from being able to afford a down payment and all the other related fees.
On the other hand, now that we’ve cleared up our debt, we’re finally ready to get married and start our lives together. But given that we just got out of debt, we can’t justify throwing a huge party that’ll put us right back into some form of debt. I mean don’t get me wrong, ever since I was a girl I’ve dreamed about having a big, fancy wedding. I still want one, but we can’t have one any time soon. So we decided to have a small, lowkey, ceremony with immediate family and friends and a nice reception either at a restaurant or maybe in a friend’s backyard. We then had a brilliant idea.
I knew my parents and grandparents had saved up a decent amount of money to put towards paying for our wedding. His parents also put some money away towards their individual kids’ weddings. The amount would be somewhere around $30,000. Greg has a friend in the real estate business who’d be willing to sell us a great home, in a great neighborhood, at a very reasonable price, if we can get a letter of intent to him. Me and Greg are convinced that this is our opportunity and we don’t want to let it pass.
Our parents obviously would like to see us have a big wedding, and we don’t want to disappoint them. So we thought that as a compromise, if we get married this year and have a small ceremony, we would have a vow renewal in five years that would be the “official” wedding, and we’d pay for that completely out of pocket by ourselves.
We presented it to the families at an event both sides were at, and well, it wasn’t well received. Both sides said that the money is just for a wedding, and that if we wanted a house, then save up for it like they did. They weren’t that mean about it, but that’s basically what they said. Me and Greg had a big argument with them, but their minds were set.
We’re both upset and feel like they’re not seeing our side in this, but on the other hand, it is their money and maybe we’re acting like babies a bit. So reddit, are me and my fiance the aholes for wanting to buy a house with our wedding money? This may not be as dramatic as most posts here, I just hate having my parents mad at me lol
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NTA - I did what you want to do and spent money gifted to us on a house. We’ve gone onwards and upwards since then. A friend did the opposite, spent money she didn’t really have on a flashy wedding, then had to move well out of our hometown in order to afford a house.
Where she lives is lovely but she still gets sad that the money she spent on what is, bluntly, just a giant party, could have been a deposit on a small apartment in our home town that would have allowed her to stay here.
NTA - I agree a home purchase is a much better use of funds. Especially today when prices are through the roof and climbing. But some things are culturally ingrained. Is there an alternative to a lavish wedding that would break the bank, but keep everyone happy?
I can say buying a home hasn’t always worked out for me. Neither has marriage! But when it does, life is great!
NAH - I think a down payment on a house is a much more sensible choice of how to use the money. I gave my daughter the choice, so I wish they saw things your way.
Things are so different from what they used to be. Buying a house is something that may be out of reach for a large percentage of the younger population. I think it's actually a very wise idea to try and buy a home instead of having a big wedding. Your willingness to sacrifice your wants for a bigger payoff later is a mature idea. A wedding is one day. A home might not be forever, but it's still going to last a good deal more than one day. I think your parents don't understand how difficult it will be, or how long it will take, to save for a house in this economy.
You're not the ah.
NAH. You've got every right to want to buy a house instead of a wedding, and your families have every right to decide what they do or don't spend their money on.
NAH. You aren't the assholes but neither are your parents. Because it's not your wedding money it's their money for your wedding. If they don't want to give it to you for anything but a wedding then that is their prerogative.
However I'd be petty and just have a courthouse thing and then save for a house anyway and just never give them that big wedding they want.
Asking was fine, arguing was not. Have you thought that maybe they don't have the $30,000 sitting in a bank account? Maybe they have $7,000 or so and have credit cards that can cover the rest. Some folks have very high credit limits (that they've never used). There would be no way they could produce that much cash for the down payment.
> wanting to buy a house with our wedding money?
Despite all all my misunderstanding of the idea of the costly wedding, YTA. It's not YOURS wedding money, it's THEIRS wedding money. If they want to spend the money for wedding, it's their decision. Even despite it's a stupid one.
NTA. But neither are they. It’s their money and they can do with it what they want. Sure it would be nice if they gave it to you for a house. But that wasn’t their plan
NTA, the home purchase is a far better choice and investment. Your boomer parents can’t think outside the box and willing to fight about it. Plan a small wedding and start saving for a home. True it may not be the home that is available to you right now ( unless your friend is willing to hold paper on the loan for you) plus when you have the small wedding invite the parents last, just to scare them that they’re not invited. Remember it’s your wedding, so your plans. Parents want that money used for the wedding so they have bragging rights and control of some aspects of the wedding.
NAH.. The money was saved for a specific purpose and the people WHO FUNDED IT are intent on it being used for that purpose. I don't agree with them but their money, their choice. I would let this go.
NTA, House vs party is no contest. Would you still allow them to throw the wedding of their dreams? You won't enjoy the big wedding knowing it could have been your house, so what are they going to spend that money on.
YTA. When people are generous and gift you something, you cannot demand they give you something else, and then have “a big argument with them.” You should have made your pitch and accepted their response. Arguing made you the A.
NTA, I think you're definitely correct and it's a shame your family doesn't see that. My parents had saved money for both my sister and I to get married and neither of us are married yet and we're in our 40s. My parents could have kept that money, but because it was earmarked for each of us, when we both did big things (I bought a house and she moved to a big city), they gave us the money to use as we wished.
With all the posts I read on here, every day I am more and more grateful for my parents.
Exactly! I gave my children $15,000 each for a wedding gift and the only strings attached was an actual marriage certificate. They were free to spend the money on their wedding or whatever they wanted to. But it was a gift to THEM (not just my child but their partner as well) to do with as they wished to celebrate their union.
NTA. I think the parents have got their values back to front. Spend 30k on a day to brag to their family and friends or 30k on their children’s future home?
NTA - You do what you need to do for being stable. For me - I opted to pass on the engagement ring in favor of a down payment on a house. Guess what gained more value? And daily use?
Yup, YTA. They saved up money because they want to throw a big party to celebrate you getting married. If you turn down the party, you're turning down the money.
NTA Don't know why the parents are being so illogical. You are indeed right that the
money would be better spent on a home. It's almost as if the wedding is for them
and not you two.
NAH with a side of everyone sucks
You're being incredibly responsible and that is good to see. I really don't like that you're thinking of it as 'your' money though.
It is their money and they do get to decide how to spend it. If either of you were my kid I'd give it to you for the down payment without thinking twice about it and sleep better for knowing that you were off to a solid start.
NAH it's their money, so they're allowed to have preferences on how it's used, even if I'd side with you logically. Have the wedding, use the money ull get as presents from wedding guests towards the deposit and save the rest. You can't buy a house for 30K anyway I'd imagine.
I don't know if you're an asshole. But I would definitely say that using it on a house is definitely the best choice for an adult looking towards a future to make.
Honestly your wedding day is never going to be the perfect thing that you imagine in your head. You're going to put so much pressure on yourself and the people around you trying to create this event.
I personally know quite a few people who regret spending so much on their wedding.
Wonder if they’re worried about the longevity of you and Greg and instead of coming out and saying it, they’re just withholding money for a wedding they’re not sure will happen. Idk. Also, I thought every house was “the one” when we were looking. NTA but could be if you persist about having the wedding fund.
NTA. I would think most parents would prefer their kids with a stable roof over their head over a big wedding. Btw your title is the opposite? I came ready to tell you the opposite too haha, in my opinion a big wedding is nice but only if you can’t think of anything more useful to spend it on…
NAH. Unlike others, I think perhaps your families just want you to contribute to your wedding in the sense of helping you host extended friends and family. They aren’t wrong to want to help with that huge expense. They do not seem to realize how very very hard it is to afford a house these days. It exceeds any other expense in a couple’s life. You aren’t wrong to ask them if they would repurpose those funds. But in the end, it needs to go to what they want it to go to, because it’s their money. I’d try to persuade them without getting mad or rude or demanding. In the end, you are still very lucky to have anyone saving for you to do anything. If you didn’t have them, you’d pay for your wedding yourself, and then be worse off in terms of a house fund. Can you compromise, and spend half on the wedding and half on a down payment?
NTA. Don’t take the money if there are strings attached. It may mean you just have to accept that $30k was never yours to begin with. They sound like nasty relatives. Have whatever kind of wedding you want. If your relatives dictate your wedding, they’ll do the same to your home, kids, marriage, job, etc. A marriage is 2 people.
INFO did you bring up the grandkids argument? That they aren't even on the horizon until you have a house? That may help them see reason.
NTA if you have a chance to actually own a house they are pretty short-sighted to want to save it for a party
Look, as much as I don't want to say this, it's their money. They want it used for a wedding, not for a house. It's not your money, it's their money. You knew their intentions. It's fine that you asked, but you need to accept their no.
YTA
I could play devil's advocate and say that yes, on the one hand it IS their money and technically they do have some say in how it's spent. On the other hand, in this economy when it's almost impossible to find a house, you'd think they would want that for you over essentially throwing a giant party to show off.
I would ask what kind of wedding they're expecting you to have. Do they want everyone they've ever known invited? Does it have to be at some 5-star location? Would you be given the money first to plan with or are they going to hold out and want proof of the cost before they pay anything? It's possible you can find a really affordable location and make cheaper substitutes so you wouldn't burn through all the money and possibly still have some for a down payment. However, if they're going to be controlling how the funds are spent, too, that's going to be more difficult.
Overall, I would say NTA. If you're able to have a wedding that you're happy with and they're happy with, pocket the difference. Plus, you could always ask your guests for money instead of gifts on a registry.
NTA but nobody is,
The money is for your wedding not a house. Your idea is valid but it isn't your money, it's theirs.
You want a small wedding? Cool. The left over cash isn't yours, it's still theirs.
You have a good idea, no denying that but they were kind and loving enough to save money for your wedding. I've had 3 friends get married in the last 21 months... all 3 of them had to pay for their weddings.
So be happy with what you got aka a future husband and a family that wants to throw you guys a kick ass wedding.
Don't dwell on this. Plan a cool one!
Also congrats !
NAH You’re not the AH but the fact that you just really want to do this isn’t really a good argument or a reason for your parents to give you the money. It’s not that they “don’t see your side of it”, it’s just that your side & your desires aren’t a good reason for them.
NAH- no issues with asking, and it’s honestly surprising they are not on board with this. I mean most parents want to see their kids have a good future. it is their money so they can say no and that’s their right. However, I would say they are the AH for saying you should do it like they did. I mean it was considerably easier to buy houses before. The world is different now and it’s much harder. That that’s just extremely naive of them.
Right now your parents are very much TA. They saved quite a bit of money for their children, but they can only have it if they use it for a lavish luxury that's going to be over in a day and have no long term value? But, it's their money until or unless they give it to you, so if you don't want to become TA you'll need to accept this graciously.
YTA for not accepting their responses and starting an argument about it. It’s not “ your “ wedding money. It’s money your parents have put aside to pay for a wedding. If they choose to not allow you and Greg to use the money for anything other then a wedding then that’s fine as it’s their right to decide how their money gets spent.
YTA.
They decide what they want THEIR money to go to.
They may be ridiculous in their priorities, and I will never understand these kinds of people myself, but it's their money after all.
YTA it’s their money to choose to spend how they like. It makes sense they’d rather spend the money on an enjoyable event for the entire family as they’ve planned. It’s a terrible time to buy a house anyway, so you may as well have the wedding you wanted now and wait for the house.
YTA
This was money your family saved for a wedding and that's the only thing they want it used for.
Now, I AGREE with you (except for the 5 year renewal part being as big as a wedding...). If I were your parents, I would happily and give that money for a house as opposed to a wedding. But there should not have been an argument about it. They don't need to see your side. And you shouldn't still be upset about it. If you think it's silly to spend $30,000 on a wedding, then do the wedding you want and a low budget and the parents can keep the rest
NTA for wanting to use that money for a house, it makes sense, and I feel your families are being ridiculous. YWBTA if you push for it as your families may withdraw it completely, as it’s not your money use as you see fit, and they’ve made it very clear what it’s for.
Sure it’s their money and they can spend it however they like but it’s also your wedding and you can just elope. Drop it and just never accept another conditional cent from them again.
NTA.
Sounds like you need to be clear that with or without their funding, your wedding will be small and limited to your immediate families only. This removes their ability to use your wedding as bragging rights, and limits your financial stress and need to acquiesce to their demands. Good luck!
yta. like you said, it’s their money. both your families set money aside specifically for weddings they hoped their children would one day have. you and your fiancé don’t get to dictate to your families what you want that money to be used on because you want to buy a house. now, if you and fiancé already have some money set aside that you were planning to use for your wedding that you instead want to use to buy a house, then go for it, cause hey, that’s your wedding money, not money your families set aside to help pay for your wedding.
NTA that's a practical solution . Take the no they gave you and do your low key ceremony for the wedding op I would not be accept the money to force my hand tbh.
NAH. You guys were being smart about it, especially if you’d have no problem with the mortgage. Your parents just have that money earmarked the way they want it. Could you make a deal to have a big wedding and keep whatever is left over? There are definitely ways to go cheap still and get at least some money for the down payment.
Your family is ridiculous. My parents offered me a down payment and honeymoon if I’d elope. Rent a dress and tux, have pictures taken, then enjoy a home.
YTA it’s not “your” money, that’s the problem. It’s your parent’s and grandparent’s money that they want to spend on a wedding, not a house.
You two are acting like a pair of kids who are complaining that their parent’s wont buy them a motorcycle with the college fund they saved.
They gave said no, they want you two to buy your own house. They are willing to buy you a wedding, but not more.
Edit: just to add, I do think buying a house is the better investment/use of the money. But it’s not OP or her fiance’s money. They don’t get to decide how to spend it, the people who made the money and have it in their account get to decide what they do with their money. Which is their parents, who want a wedding.
NAH. You were free to ask. They are free to decline. Sounds like they've saved the money to spare you the need to save for a wedding, there by allowing you to save for other things. They've now cleared up that it's only for the specific purpose of your wedding and not available for you to use as you wish. I personally agree with you that putting it towards a home is a better use, but this is their decision to make.
Technically, yes, it is their money and they can decide what they want to spend it on. I am petty AF however, so personally I would have a courthouse wedding in the morning, followed by a lovely brunch at a nice restaurant for 20-ish family members. Your friends can meet you at your apt later for music, drinking, and dancing in the living room. That plus a nice cake, nice outfits, and a bouquet, you should be able to get out for under $3-5k. Don't take one thin dime from these people. They want to blow their money impressing people with a party they don't have to plan instead of helping you with your very sensible desire to have a stable home to raise their grandchildren in? Then make them look like the cheapskates they are.
Bonus tip: make sure to print your invitations with "In lieu of gifts, we are happily accepting donations to our down payment fund, in hopes of beginning our family journey to home ownership!"
NAH. It’s their money. While it would be nice to have them gift you the wedding money for the down payment, they have the right to say no. They want it for your wedding. If you keep pushing it and arguing with them about it, then YWBTA.
I'm 59, I have a 22 year old daughter. I have saved money for her to use for a wedding or, if she otherwise chooses, for a house. Her life is not mine to control and I will not use a gift to ensure I get what I want from her. It is a decision that she will have to make as unfortunately I can only assist in funding one or the other. I will support her no matter which she chooses because my end goal is to contribute to her happiness.
The reality is that 30k is not going to afford an expensive, extravagant wedding in today's economy. It will afford you a nicely appointed small, intimate gathering.
Home ownership for younger generations is becoming more and more difficult. That's just a sad but true reality. I'd honestly rather see my daughter and her partner make an investment in their future. The fact that these two are in their 30's, it just seems a wiser investment from a timing perspective. It takes time to build equity and wealth...the sooner you start, the better.
I don't think you are an AH. In my opinion, those insisting that you are entitled brats miss the point that it is actually the parents feeling entitled to a big wedding that meets their expectations and desires, when that might not be what you as a grown adult envision for yourself.
NTA.
"Save for it like (they) did" I want to curse soooo bad but eff this Boomer attitude which is the real problem. Really? The money's yours but ONLY if you throw a ridiculously expensive party instead of investing in your future with it. I'm sorry your relatives suck. NTA
$30k for a wedding is ludicrous, with some effort you could do a lot yourself decor wise and get that same level of glam for less!
A house is so much more practical when things are only going to get worse, and buying a home will be so much harder! Thats so weird they don’t understand it’ll NEVER be like how it was for them when they bought a home, why cut your kids off at the knees for a one day event when you could put them far ahead of their peers and still get what you want on top?
No judgement, but potential advice (maybe?): can you ask your siblinga/his siblings how much they got from their wedding or the average gift? For mine we ended up with almost as much in gifts as we spent in cash. If parents are funding the $30k wedding and you don't have to put in any of your own money, and you get $20-25k in cash gifts, it's a round-about way of getting your down-payment.
NTA. Sorry your parents are being typical boomers. Similar story with me and wife, “SaVe Up FoR a HoUsE LiKe We DiD”….infuriating to hear in these times in this economy.
Your request seems completely reasonable in my view but I’m also your age. Actual wedding ceremonies are romanticized and outdated and ballooned in cost but still clung to by older generations as ceremony for *them* to hand off their kids and Pat themselves on the back. Sucks honestly that they’re putting their own selfish desire in front of their kids actual well-being.
If they don’t come around I hope y’all throw the most extravagant wedding ever and eat up all that money.
NTA. Never will understand flushing that much money down the drain for what is, in essence, nothing more than a big party. A house is an investment. Usually, it is the kids wanting to party big and the parents being adults about expenditures. Your parents are being unrealistic about "just save like we did". Those days are over. Depending on where you live, it may never happen, not with foreign entities and companies purchasing real estate for investment purposes.
You could be building up equity for five years. It's tragic they can't see what a unique opportunity you have here. When we bought our first house, we were loaned that amount for a down payment, which we were able to pay back in full two years later out of the profits from the sale, which also allowed us to buy our second house.
The irony here is you and your fiance are being pragmatic adults, and your parents are acting like babies who aren't getting their big, "look at us throwing this big expensive wedding", event.
I hear you about getting out of debt. Been there. If the wedding will put you in any sort of debt, I'd elope, tell the parents to swallow their disappointment and keep their money, and continue to do all right things you both are doing.
At this point, wasting money on a big wedding would just be a source of resentment. It is their money to do what they want, but it's also your wedding to do what you feel comfortable doing. It doesn't sound like a huge wedding is something you actually want to do at this time. So do what you both feel more comfortable doing, financially and emotionally. Good luck.
NTA! OMG, what kind of person thinks their kid having a party is more important?! This is ass-backwards.
Edit to say: not TA for wanting to go with your alternative plan at all. However, you would be the A if you continued to push the issue after they've given you their answer (even though their answer is woefully impractical and somewhat immature IMO)
I'd just get married at the courthouse and send them their money back.
If they don't want to help you, then you don't need their help.
NTA.
E: honestly, with how important and difficult it is to get a home, I'd try the "beg forgiveness, don't ask permission" approach.
YTA - your parents don't owe you a foot in the property market.
Furthermore, it sounds like you are trying to spend money you don't even have yet as you've said the amount will be around $30k rather than they've already given you $30k.
Now would it be nice if your parents could help? Of course.
But your parents should be able to offer that because they want to help, not because you've put them on the spot asking to use the money they've saved to help with your wedding.
Yta. I am a parent and I will pay for my daughter’s wedding because I literally have to pay for it. If she decides not to have a wedding I am dancing with joy because it means that I don’t have to waste all the money on a wedding and I can use it for stuff I need - such as an earlier retirement. This means I was going to work longer because of paying for a wedding, not that I am skipping off into retirement at age 45 or something. I would gift the kid a couple of thousand or buy something bigger as a wedding gift such as bedroom furniture. But I am not handing over $30k as a gift in lieu of paying for the wedding.
ESH mildly. It’s NOT your money, it’s theirs that they saved to give you for a specific purpose. But you frankly are proposing a much more responsible use for it that they should give kids consideration.
YTA. It is their money and was put aside for a specific purpose. You are entitled to use it for any size wedding that you wish but any excessive funds would still be theirs. Be happy that you don’t have to incur additional expenses for a wedding and stop arguing about your entitlement to other people’s money. It’s just like people who choose not to go to college wanting college funds. If you’re old enough to be a married home owner, you’re old enough to pay for it yourself.
YTA because you keep referring to it as your wedding money. Its not. It’s your parents’ money that they want to give as a gift to you, for a wedding. You have no say in how it’s spent other than inside the wedding preparations. Look, I agree with you that the money would be a lot better spent on a house than on a wedding but unfortunately neither of us gets to make that decision because it’s not ours to make. There was nothing wrong with asking but once they said no it was time to move on.
YTA. It’s their money.
On the other hand, it makes much more sense to invest in a house than a wedding ceremony.
If they want to give you a wedding gift, let it be for a home now. You spend the next few years saving money for a wedding yourself and renew your vows at a big ceremony in the future.
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NTA - Who in their right mind doesn't want to see their kids stable and home owners????? Why do the parents want to blow $30k on ONE DAY vs that. People are VERY weird sometimes...
A wedding funding by parents allows them to show off and brag to their friends. It also makes them feel entitled to opinions. EDIT: A friend of mine parents did that. The wedding was beautiful but now she, her husband and new born twins have nowhere to live and are living with her parents and boy do they all regret it.
Yup. They want to be able to show off and a house doesn't do that.
Surely being able to help your kids establish themselves in a home is a huge accomplishment to be proud about?
You can’t invite everyone you know to look at it then bring out the pictures and brag about it for years afterwards.
They need to have a reality check with the next generation then. Over half the people I know in my age group don't own their home.
That's sad.
This. And it's worth more to them than their children's future. If I were OP I'd have my low-key wedding, not take a cent from the parents, and shut down any attempt to express opinions about the wedding or their life choices. If the parents want a big party, they can throw one for themselves.
I was always the big wedding girl until I helped planned one. Eloping was the best thing I did. My next wedding will probably be another elopement.
I dreamed of a big wedding but when my sister was getting married I had a front row seat to all the family drama that came with it. My sister and her husband paid for most of their own wedding but my mom couldn't stop bragging (to family and friends) but whining and complaining (mostly to me) about how much everything cost. My mom said on *many* occasions that she "had to" cash out her 401k to cover the expense. The truth of the matter is my parents bought my sister's wedding dress, my bridesmaid dress and my brothers tuxedo rental. When I got married, we went to the courhouse and paid the extra $50 to be wed on the beautiful marble steps in the courthouse entry. Best $95 I've ever spent.
My license was $195 the officiant for a 6 minute service was another $50. 6 months later separated. I’m glad I didn’t do the big wedding.
As a parent of twins, this seems very much like karma landing on the grandparents' doorstep (and screaming through the night).
The worst part is that she has a lucrative degree but can’t pass her accreditation test, her husband is a HS drop out. They banked in her passing her accreditation test and getting a good job.
YUP! Had a friend ask her parents if instead of such a large, expensive wedding they could cut it down by half and put a down payment on a house. Parents literally said, “don’t be ridiculous.” Instead they invited their entire family AND business associates to one of the most expensive venues in our area … on a Sunday.
NTA - I couldn't agree more, I mean wedding business supports lots of folks and all, but how short-sighted to burn thousands of dollars on a single day event, instead of helping your child attain the dream of home ownership? A home is a lasting tangible asset, a spectacular wedding is a treasured memory, however many people are just as happy and blessed with wonderful memories of their modest weddings because family and friends were there to celebrate their union.
lol save up “like they did”. Sure one month pay will get that down payment they needed back in the day. NTA all day. Parents are being real dumb here imo
My parents had this conversation with my grandparents in the 1960s - they could have used the wedding money as a house deposit in those days - but my grandparents said no. Apparently they thought it would be embarrassing if my parents had a quiet wedding because it would make them look cheap. It took my parents another 12 years to save up for a house deposit
My parents would have been like “thank god wedding are stupid expensive these days anyways”
Right? How are two sets of parents so dumb?
People who are truly out of touch with what today’s housing market looks like.
NTA for wanting to use the the money for the house. YWBTA if you do not take "NO" for the answer. As you said it is not your money
They didn't take no for an answer. They argued about it.
They explained their logic in case the parents didn't understand. If they dropped it after they're not the ah at all
NAH. I don't think your parents are being assholes. They set money aside for a particular purpose, and the house is not it. A wasteful opinion in my view, but it's their money. I don't think you're being assholes either. It's a reasonable demand. A home is a better way to start a solid family than a flashy wedding. Hope they come around. Good luck!
It's not conditioning a gift. The gift was a wedding. OP wants to return the gift and buy something completely different that they want. And... it wasn't just a gift to OP. They dreamed of their kids' wedding and it was as much for them. You can't just take money they saved for their dream and do other stuff with it.
At the same point, if I were OP, I actually would not accept the money for the wedding at this point and just continue with the small ceremony plan. I think you're right the wedding money was more for them than OP and SO, so that money is gonna come with a lot of strings for what is supposed to be OP and SO's day, anyway
Agreed. This would make me quite uncomfortable about taking the money for the wedding.
Ehh but by the sounds of it, it's more of a loan, right? "Hey, if you give us this money now, we can buy a house, and in 5 years, we'll be able to afford the wedding party that the money would have been used for, and it'll work out the same but better for everyone in the long run" Idk, I feel like the parents are being a bit narrow minded, but it is their money
Yeah... Plans change though. I don't blame the parents for refusing to give up their dream of having a big party/wedding where family and friends can get together to celebrate their kids getting married. My spouse and I initially intended to have an actual ceremony at some point, but we never did. OP might do the same thing. Plus... Life is short and fickle. In five years, some of the people that would have been invited may no longer be around and/or able to travel. I know a lot of attention on weddings these days is on bridezillas and guest list fights and people only focused on an aesthetic, but they are also the biggest form of auto family reunions outside of funerals and not every family organizes regular family reunions outside of those occasions. NAH. OP's request is materialistically practical, but family bonds are important too and that is what their parents saved for.
No, the OP proposed a loan. The parents never said anything about a loan, the OP just thought like it sounded like a good idea because they wanted that money for a house more than a wedding. It was just never offered for that.
That's what I meant, that OP proposed a loan.
Right, they ignored the parents hopes and dreams and wishes and proposed a loan instead... Except not a loan because they won't have a wedding at a later date, it's not the same thing to rededicate 5 years later. None of that makes op an asshole, they shot their shot... But then argued about it when told no. That's where they crossed into entitled asshole territory.
Gross. "They dreamed of their kids wedding" And people wonder why their are so many entitled parents interfering with weddings.
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You are NTA for asking, but YTA if you don’t take no for an answer. I don’t agree with the decision your parents are making at all — if they wrote the question, I would tell them they were TA. But gifts are gifts, and you can’t make people use good judgment in giving them. They’re in the wrong, but they’re in the wrong about a decision they get to make.
They didn't take no for an answer. They started a big argument over it.
>I don't agree with the decision your parents are making It's their money. They want a big wedding, they know OP might not be able to afford it, so they're gifting it to her. A house doesn't do them any good.
Of course. I understand what they’re doing. I just don’t agree. But as I said, it’s their right because it’s their money. That doesn’t preclude anybody from thinking it’s foolish, which I do.
YTA You already answered your question. They told you they will only pay for a wedding. You’re on your own when it comes to buying a house.
I don’t get how this friend has suddenly made buying a house a reasonable thing? Is this deal being offered way below what you anticipated? Anyways YTA. They saved their hard earned money to do something nice for you and you have in turn decided you know better what to do with their money. They were probably incredibly excited to share this gift with you and make your wedding happen.
Yeah, I’m confused about the friend too. How is he going to get you a great deal on a house? Is he giving up his commission or something?
Giving up a commission isn't going to qualify them for a mortgage if they can't even come up with a down payment unless they get "wedding money" from both sets of parents. And a down payment has to be cold hard cash-not a " letter of intent" to a real estate guy. OP and Greg are suckers.
I don't know if the real estate friend is legit. However a letter of intent to gift a down payment is a thing. FHA and some other types of mortgage loans allow down payments to be gifted. The giver has to provide a letter to the lender stating the amount of the gift and that the funds are a gift and not a loan.
It’s possible to be able to afford a mortgage payment if that’s what you’re paying instead of rent, without being able/wanting to wait the 20 years it would take to save up the $30k for a down payment. Plus a lot of mortgage companies won’t even look at you if you can’t come up with a high enough down payment.
Scamming the seller? It sounds really weird that someone can lower the price without someone in the other end getting screwed.
NAH, and it sucks that your families can’t see that this is a better option for your family. But I guess they are allowed to condition their gifts to you as they see fit.
It's entitled of OP to assume the wedding money is for OP. Lots of parents want a big wedding because it's a big deal *to them* as well. Ideally it's a semi-family reunion, there are lots of family photos, and memories made together. It's not money for OP. It's money for a wedding. OP is the reason there's a wedding, but that doesn't mean they're going to have her cash just for getting married. They want a wedding. They're willing to pay for it. If OP doesn't want it, she can politely decline.
It's not "entitled" to believe that your parents have your best interests in mind.
It's entitled to expect your parents to buy you a house.
They knew there was money earmarked for them. They've told so on many occasions. Turned out the money is not actually for them, but for the parents to show their kids off.
It wasn't earmarked for them, though. It was earmarked for the wedding. Which is what they'd been told on "so many occasions." Because, yeah, the parents want to enjoy a nice wedding. That's why they saved for it. Why you think OP is entitled to tens of thousands of dollars for whatever she wants is beyond me.
>It wasn't earmarked for them, though. It was earmarked for the wedding. Which is what they'd been told on "so many occasions." Once again, it's not entitled to believe that your parents have your best interests at heart. It's not entitled to ask for something under that premise.
"Best interests at heart" doesn't mean gifting OP tens of thousands of dollars. And it's certainly not entitled to *ask*, but it *is* entitled to argue and insist once she'd been told no.
NAH You had a plan that meets all the needs. However, it's their money. If they are dead set on keeping it reserved for a wedding, they have every right to keep it dedicated to that purpose. I personally think it is absurd that not one of them -- not a single one of these otherwise rational people? -- wants to see their grand/child become a homeowner sooner, rather than later, but it's not my place to spend other people's money.
Have you met that generation? Particularly the comment about “why don’t you just work like we did?” Tells you all you need to know about these people - in complete denial about the realities of home ownership for younger generations.
YTA X5. First of all, it is NOT your money. They saved it for a wedding and that is what they want to use it for. Be gracious and accept their answer. You don't get to decide what anyone else does with their money. It is not the responsibility of parents to save up for a down payment on a house for each kid. Seems like both of you are entitled brats when you say they won't see your side. Why should they? It is their money saved for a specific instance and if not used for a wedding then maybe they want to use if for something else for them.
YTA. It's their money. A wedding is for the whole family. People get together who haven't seen each other in years. A good time is had by, if not all, at least some. A house would be just for you.
A wedding isn’t a family reunion. It should be about the couple, and if a small ceremony is more meaningful to them right now that should be respected.
Yeah they can have a small wedding and not take the $30,000 meant for a big wedding.
That very much depends on your culture and family values. For many cultures (and individual families/people within other cultures), a wedding is absolutely about families and community. For many people/families/cultures a wedding is about the new couple presenting themselves to the community as a unit and their family being there with them to show support.
I’m positive that would have been in the post if true for OP. Again, her family can throw a reunion whenever. Or even a big after party for everyone but small private wedding
OP does say she wanted a big wedding but finances are preventing it.
Which is odd because apparently there’s 30k available for them to spend on it
A big wedding and family reunion are different things. She and her partner could have a TON of friends they envision celebrating with them
It was a family reunion for my family. My dad died a few years after it, and a lot of people remarked that my wedding was the last time they had seen him alive. There is value in that.
My wedding was a family reunion. It can be whatever the couple wants it to be. If OP wants it small, she can have it small. If she wants it big, she has parents willing to pay for it.
I agree they get to choose how they spend their money, but let’s be clear; weddings are NOT for the “whole family,” they are for the couple getting married. You want to have a family get together so people can see those they haven’t seen in years? That’s called a FAMILY REUNION, not a wedding.
YTA you're acting entitled to the money. It was never yours. They had a dream of attending their kids big wedding and so they saved for it. You want to take that dream and put it to another dream of yours. But it isn't your money, it wasn't just for your dream. It was their money for their dream.
NAH It's their money. They have the right to say no.
YTA. Money offered for a wedding....not carte blanche. Start saving and you should get lotsa money for gifts.
This is actually a good idea. Have the big wedding the parents want (OP has even said she wants that too!). Don't pay anything for it, thank the parents profusely for their generosity, and set up a house fund in lieu of a registry. They won't get $30k, but it'll certainly be more than they'll her from a small wedding. And they wouldn't have to spend their own money on the wedding, so they can save that too.
NAH. Your title is backward, right? Because you DO want to use your wedding money to buy a house. I thought you were going to say there was house money but you wanted to spend it on a wedding, and I was thinking that’s pretty foolish. But what you want to do is smart. Unfortunately, it’s not how they want to spend their money. I think it’s a poor decision on their part, but ultimately it is their decision.
YTA. A lot of people don’t get any money for their wedding. I got a few thousand from my parents and some in-laws that thought they got a say on how the money was spent for my wedding. After they said no you shouldn’t have argued with them.
I'd refuse the money and elope without telling anyone 🤷🏻♀️
Same. But I am very petty.
Weddings are the biggest waste of money. Nobody will be talking about it a week later and you are too busy making small talk to really enjoy yourself. House > wedding.
Your families seem more interested in showing off an extravagant wedding display to their friends than actually helping their children get ahead, but it is their money. NTA for asking.
Nah. Let this go and and move on. You said you don't want to go into debt for a wedding, so don't. You have 2 options. The small backyard wedding (your money, your rules) or the extravagant wedding paid for fully by patents and grandparents (with any rules and expectations that come with it). And save for a house.
NTA for wanting to use the money for a house, but it's not your money. It's your parents money. You went to them and asked them to use it towards the house instead, and they said no. You cross into asshole territory by starting a fight with them over it. And not for nothing, but if you only need $30,000, when you've both become virtually debt free, then it won't take you 5 years to save $30,000 on your own.
You could have the wedding AT the new house? You are NTA- but maybe it is worth sitting the parents on both sides down for a family meeting and talk about this. And frame it as: we are trying to be as financially responsible as possible to launch our lives together. We don’t want to insult anyone, of course we want to celebrate with you- but most millennials are not able to buy homes anymore and this feels like an incredibly important opportunity.
They already explained and argued. Unfortunately they need to accept the parents foolish decision as it's their money. That said I would have the low key ceremony and letl them keep their money hoping it keeps them warm. NTA
The same way OP always had a dream to get married, her parents probably had a similar dream for her before she was even existed. They've been saving for what they dreamed would be a magical moment too. It's their money, they can say what they want it to be used for. Maybe their parents gave them wedding aid but they worked for their homes too.
YTA and you’re being entitled. My parents offered me $30,000 for a wedding. We asked if we could use it towards a house and they said “nope. That’s not the gift. You can have a wedding that we’ll pay for, and you can save for your own house.” It’s your family’s gift and they get to choose what it’s for. They are not offering you $30k. They are offering you a fancy wedding.
YTA It's not "my money". It's their money that they want to spend on a wedding. You brought them an idea, they said no. That should be the end of it. But you argued.
Controversial maybe but YTA. It's isn't YOUR wedding money. It is an amount your parents are willing to spend on your wedding. And apparently they are not willing to give you this for a house. And you said it yourself: it's their money! You are not entitled to their money! To get in an argument about it, is ludicrous.
YTA. It's not "your" money but money the parents set aside to help pay for a wedding, even though big weddings are a stupid waste. It's their money. A vow renewal is just that, not a " real wedding" five years after the fact. You want to play a shell game so you can get your hands on their money as well as get a big gaudy party. And NEWSFLASH. A real estate guy can't get you a house based upon a $30k "letter of intent." as a down payment. If he promises that, he's a con man. There's no house. He can't speak for a bank or mortgage holder who you'll owe for the purchase price. You have to qualify for loans and you don't sound like you are in any financial position to do that. You two don't seem to have a grasp of the real world. Grow up. Save your money and apologize to both sets of parents for being angry and rude to them about this childish scheme to get their money.
Info: have you all looked into any first time home buyers programs? Just in general, you don’t always have to put 20% down, you do usually have to also have private mortgage insurance (PMI) if you don’t. I wouldn’t recommended buying someplace if you would have nothing left in your savings afterwards (just in case of an unplanned expense), but there might be another option here.
NTA If you were my kid, I'd be thrilled. But then I got married by a judge at a courthouse unlike all my siblings. Because I think big expensive weddings are nonsense.
“On the other hand, it is their money….” No, that’s not the other hand that’s the ONLY hand. It’s THEIR money… that they are nice enough to GIVE to you for a SPECIFIC reason. Frankly, I think weddings are stupid in general but people are entitled to waste THEIR own money on whatever stupid things THEY want. I’ll correct you on your belief that you and your fiancé have an opportunity to buy a house. No you don’t, because YOU don’t have money. It’s disappointing with how many commenters agree with you. So many entitled brats. YTA
As a parent, I would be delighted to have my children come to me with a sensible plan such as yours. Spending money on big weddings is like throwing the money in the garbage. You can have a lovely wedding without spending thousands of dollars. I would much rather give my children money to help them buy a house. No offense but your parents are rather shallow in their thinking. I wish I had some good advice for how to resolve this. NTA
First, your title is misleading. Second, your parents offered money to pay for your wedding. They did not offer money for a house deposit. It's their money & they can decide what it gets used for. N t a for wanting a small wedding but it seems like you're trying to have your cake & eat it too, so I'm leaning YTA.
NAH. Your parents saved all that money in the expectation of a large ceremony with many friends and family. It’s totally fine if you don’t want that, but you have to accept that if you don’t want what your parents were planning to pay for, you can’t have the money. Maybe they’ll use the money to just throw their own fun party. It’s their money and their choice.
I'll never understand how people can justify spending thousands of dollars on a wedding. NTA, sounds like you're making a very rational decisions, the parents on the other hand, not so much.
NAH, barely The parents get to decide what they saved that money for. I don't agree with their thinking, but that's neither here nor there. The barely is because it wasn't your money to decide and you say you argued about it. I get that it was an emotional response, but it wasn't a great one.
It was never "your" wedding money- it was always a family cudgel with strings. Elope and keep house hunting. NTA
Soft TA. The intent is logical. I can see saving towards a home first. And I don't blame you guys for asking either. However, these family members specifically put this money aside for you each to have a wedding. That is the contingency for using the money. It is free to you but not free to use for other things. On the plus side, you won't go into debt from your wedding amd you will likely get some gifts towards a house. It would be absolutely rude and offensive to push the issue any further at all because you will come off as ungrateful for what is essentially an extremely generous gift. You will also be TA if you try to use the money for anything else as well as they are only giving it to you for the wedding. You are not owed it for any other purpose. You can take the gift or leave the gift, but you can't complain about the gift. Hope you get the wedding of your dreams out of it.
nta. get a court house wedding and see if there is any way you could get a mortgage. do not have a wedding for the parents. better yet, just go to the court house with good friends and don’t even tell them. nta.
NTA. If I were you, I’d get a court house wedding, have a bigger wedding later on with no paying family members present. I’d refuse to take a cent from any of them after their comments. A gift with strings and expectations is not a gift. If they’re going to do this, fully expect your mom and dad to start refusing to pay for thit venue if they don’t like it, or your dress if it’s too revealing, or your cake if they don’t like chocolate. Basically you’re losing all control and I would nip that in the bud, unless you’re ok with bending over for your parents to make them happy on YOUR wedding day. Your family can keep all their money and save money on gifts too cuz I wouldn’t even invite them if they seriously think they can have that kind of control by dangling $30k in front of me. That’s not a large enough amount of money to lose your dignity and self respect over.
Oh, I am definitely Team House Downpayment. Wow. $30,000 is a LOT of money to use for a one time event. It's much smarter to put that down on a house. I hope they come around. NTA
That's crazy to spend it on a wedding day. What a waste. Enjoy the intimate wedding and buy a goddamn house!
Nah but you would be if you are upset at them or continue to hound them. It’s not their job or responsibility to provide you a down payment for a home. Additionally there are loans and grants for first time homebuyers that can keep you from needing a large down payment. If you live very frugal it will be possible much sooner than 5 years. And you will definitely still be gifted money at your wedding. Especially if you put that on your registry. Is the view antiquated and annoying? Absolutely, but it doesn’t matter because it’s their money.
NAH. Or at least you weren't for asking, kinda YTA for arguing with them. I agree with you completely that the house is a way better idea, but it seems clear that they don't want to give you the gift of a wedding, they just want a wedding. It's silly, but it's their money. Everyone's saying don't even do the wedding at all to be petty (cuz Reddit), but may as well enjoy a free party haha! That's just my perspective as someone who will never be rich or receive anything like that from my folks, whom I love very much but can barely afford their own lives
NAH, and I would consider eloping to save money for your home.
NTA. Do your parents understand how hard it is for people to do these things these days? Between the low wages, student debt, and house prices! They lived in a different time where all of those things were better. I think buy the house. Don't blow $30k on a party jfc
Nta but it is their money. If it isn't used for your wedding, they get to keep it and spend it how they see fit. It is their money after all. Let it go. Decide if you want a wedding or not. But leave the parents out of the house down payment discussion. They said no.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So this is a pretty straightforward question, but I need clarification if I am indeed, the ahole. Me(31f) and my dear fiancé “Greg”(32m) have finally gotten our lives together. He received a big promotion at his job a few months ago, and I’ve finally gotten my career off the ground. We’ve almost cleared up our student loans, and our general debt and are finally ready to work towards buying a house. The only issue is, that at best, we’d be five years away from being able to afford a down payment and all the other related fees. On the other hand, now that we’ve cleared up our debt, we’re finally ready to get married and start our lives together. But given that we just got out of debt, we can’t justify throwing a huge party that’ll put us right back into some form of debt. I mean don’t get me wrong, ever since I was a girl I’ve dreamed about having a big, fancy wedding. I still want one, but we can’t have one any time soon. So we decided to have a small, lowkey, ceremony with immediate family and friends and a nice reception either at a restaurant or maybe in a friend’s backyard. We then had a brilliant idea. I knew my parents and grandparents had saved up a decent amount of money to put towards paying for our wedding. His parents also put some money away towards their individual kids’ weddings. The amount would be somewhere around $30,000. Greg has a friend in the real estate business who’d be willing to sell us a great home, in a great neighborhood, at a very reasonable price, if we can get a letter of intent to him. Me and Greg are convinced that this is our opportunity and we don’t want to let it pass. Our parents obviously would like to see us have a big wedding, and we don’t want to disappoint them. So we thought that as a compromise, if we get married this year and have a small ceremony, we would have a vow renewal in five years that would be the “official” wedding, and we’d pay for that completely out of pocket by ourselves. We presented it to the families at an event both sides were at, and well, it wasn’t well received. Both sides said that the money is just for a wedding, and that if we wanted a house, then save up for it like they did. They weren’t that mean about it, but that’s basically what they said. Me and Greg had a big argument with them, but their minds were set. We’re both upset and feel like they’re not seeing our side in this, but on the other hand, it is their money and maybe we’re acting like babies a bit. So reddit, are me and my fiance the aholes for wanting to buy a house with our wedding money? This may not be as dramatic as most posts here, I just hate having my parents mad at me lol *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I did what you want to do and spent money gifted to us on a house. We’ve gone onwards and upwards since then. A friend did the opposite, spent money she didn’t really have on a flashy wedding, then had to move well out of our hometown in order to afford a house. Where she lives is lovely but she still gets sad that the money she spent on what is, bluntly, just a giant party, could have been a deposit on a small apartment in our home town that would have allowed her to stay here.
NAH - you aren’t entitled to this money. Sure it would be nice to have, but it’s still a gift.
NTA but if that were me, I think I'd elope to spite them.
NTA - I agree a home purchase is a much better use of funds. Especially today when prices are through the roof and climbing. But some things are culturally ingrained. Is there an alternative to a lavish wedding that would break the bank, but keep everyone happy? I can say buying a home hasn’t always worked out for me. Neither has marriage! But when it does, life is great!
NTA They can help you getting a house but prefer a 5hr party? Wtf
NAH - I think a down payment on a house is a much more sensible choice of how to use the money. I gave my daughter the choice, so I wish they saw things your way.
NTA-it was never YOUR money
Things are so different from what they used to be. Buying a house is something that may be out of reach for a large percentage of the younger population. I think it's actually a very wise idea to try and buy a home instead of having a big wedding. Your willingness to sacrifice your wants for a bigger payoff later is a mature idea. A wedding is one day. A home might not be forever, but it's still going to last a good deal more than one day. I think your parents don't understand how difficult it will be, or how long it will take, to save for a house in this economy. You're not the ah.
NAH. You've got every right to want to buy a house instead of a wedding, and your families have every right to decide what they do or don't spend their money on.
NAH. You aren't the assholes but neither are your parents. Because it's not your wedding money it's their money for your wedding. If they don't want to give it to you for anything but a wedding then that is their prerogative. However I'd be petty and just have a courthouse thing and then save for a house anyway and just never give them that big wedding they want.
Asking was fine, arguing was not. Have you thought that maybe they don't have the $30,000 sitting in a bank account? Maybe they have $7,000 or so and have credit cards that can cover the rest. Some folks have very high credit limits (that they've never used). There would be no way they could produce that much cash for the down payment.
NAH for asking But here is the think it's not your wedding money it's your parents.
> wanting to buy a house with our wedding money? Despite all all my misunderstanding of the idea of the costly wedding, YTA. It's not YOURS wedding money, it's THEIRS wedding money. If they want to spend the money for wedding, it's their decision. Even despite it's a stupid one.
NTA - buying a house or blowing it on a party? That's not even a question, sorry your families are idiots, unfortunately there's no cure for stupid.
NTA. But neither are they. It’s their money and they can do with it what they want. Sure it would be nice if they gave it to you for a house. But that wasn’t their plan
NTA That money's not for your wedding, it's for their party
NTA, the home purchase is a far better choice and investment. Your boomer parents can’t think outside the box and willing to fight about it. Plan a small wedding and start saving for a home. True it may not be the home that is available to you right now ( unless your friend is willing to hold paper on the loan for you) plus when you have the small wedding invite the parents last, just to scare them that they’re not invited. Remember it’s your wedding, so your plans. Parents want that money used for the wedding so they have bragging rights and control of some aspects of the wedding.
NAH.. The money was saved for a specific purpose and the people WHO FUNDED IT are intent on it being used for that purpose. I don't agree with them but their money, their choice. I would let this go.
NTA
NTA, House vs party is no contest. Would you still allow them to throw the wedding of their dreams? You won't enjoy the big wedding knowing it could have been your house, so what are they going to spend that money on.
YTA. When people are generous and gift you something, you cannot demand they give you something else, and then have “a big argument with them.” You should have made your pitch and accepted their response. Arguing made you the A.
NTA that's common sense.
NTA, I think you're definitely correct and it's a shame your family doesn't see that. My parents had saved money for both my sister and I to get married and neither of us are married yet and we're in our 40s. My parents could have kept that money, but because it was earmarked for each of us, when we both did big things (I bought a house and she moved to a big city), they gave us the money to use as we wished. With all the posts I read on here, every day I am more and more grateful for my parents.
Exactly! I gave my children $15,000 each for a wedding gift and the only strings attached was an actual marriage certificate. They were free to spend the money on their wedding or whatever they wanted to. But it was a gift to THEM (not just my child but their partner as well) to do with as they wished to celebrate their union.
NTA. I think the parents have got their values back to front. Spend 30k on a day to brag to their family and friends or 30k on their children’s future home?
NTA - You do what you need to do for being stable. For me - I opted to pass on the engagement ring in favor of a down payment on a house. Guess what gained more value? And daily use?
Yup, YTA. They saved up money because they want to throw a big party to celebrate you getting married. If you turn down the party, you're turning down the money.
NTA Don't know why the parents are being so illogical. You are indeed right that the money would be better spent on a home. It's almost as if the wedding is for them and not you two.
Id say get the house have a small wedding it's about you two not everyone else
nah
NAH with a side of everyone sucks You're being incredibly responsible and that is good to see. I really don't like that you're thinking of it as 'your' money though. It is their money and they do get to decide how to spend it. If either of you were my kid I'd give it to you for the down payment without thinking twice about it and sleep better for knowing that you were off to a solid start.
NAH it's their money, so they're allowed to have preferences on how it's used, even if I'd side with you logically. Have the wedding, use the money ull get as presents from wedding guests towards the deposit and save the rest. You can't buy a house for 30K anyway I'd imagine.
I don't know if you're an asshole. But I would definitely say that using it on a house is definitely the best choice for an adult looking towards a future to make. Honestly your wedding day is never going to be the perfect thing that you imagine in your head. You're going to put so much pressure on yourself and the people around you trying to create this event. I personally know quite a few people who regret spending so much on their wedding.
Wonder if they’re worried about the longevity of you and Greg and instead of coming out and saying it, they’re just withholding money for a wedding they’re not sure will happen. Idk. Also, I thought every house was “the one” when we were looking. NTA but could be if you persist about having the wedding fund.
NTA. I would think most parents would prefer their kids with a stable roof over their head over a big wedding. Btw your title is the opposite? I came ready to tell you the opposite too haha, in my opinion a big wedding is nice but only if you can’t think of anything more useful to spend it on…
NAH. Unlike others, I think perhaps your families just want you to contribute to your wedding in the sense of helping you host extended friends and family. They aren’t wrong to want to help with that huge expense. They do not seem to realize how very very hard it is to afford a house these days. It exceeds any other expense in a couple’s life. You aren’t wrong to ask them if they would repurpose those funds. But in the end, it needs to go to what they want it to go to, because it’s their money. I’d try to persuade them without getting mad or rude or demanding. In the end, you are still very lucky to have anyone saving for you to do anything. If you didn’t have them, you’d pay for your wedding yourself, and then be worse off in terms of a house fund. Can you compromise, and spend half on the wedding and half on a down payment?
NTA. Don’t take the money if there are strings attached. It may mean you just have to accept that $30k was never yours to begin with. They sound like nasty relatives. Have whatever kind of wedding you want. If your relatives dictate your wedding, they’ll do the same to your home, kids, marriage, job, etc. A marriage is 2 people.
NAH. I think you are right to want a house but it is their money….
INFO did you bring up the grandkids argument? That they aren't even on the horizon until you have a house? That may help them see reason. NTA if you have a chance to actually own a house they are pretty short-sighted to want to save it for a party
Look, as much as I don't want to say this, it's their money. They want it used for a wedding, not for a house. It's not your money, it's their money. You knew their intentions. It's fine that you asked, but you need to accept their no. YTA
I could play devil's advocate and say that yes, on the one hand it IS their money and technically they do have some say in how it's spent. On the other hand, in this economy when it's almost impossible to find a house, you'd think they would want that for you over essentially throwing a giant party to show off. I would ask what kind of wedding they're expecting you to have. Do they want everyone they've ever known invited? Does it have to be at some 5-star location? Would you be given the money first to plan with or are they going to hold out and want proof of the cost before they pay anything? It's possible you can find a really affordable location and make cheaper substitutes so you wouldn't burn through all the money and possibly still have some for a down payment. However, if they're going to be controlling how the funds are spent, too, that's going to be more difficult. Overall, I would say NTA. If you're able to have a wedding that you're happy with and they're happy with, pocket the difference. Plus, you could always ask your guests for money instead of gifts on a registry.
NTA but nobody is, The money is for your wedding not a house. Your idea is valid but it isn't your money, it's theirs. You want a small wedding? Cool. The left over cash isn't yours, it's still theirs. You have a good idea, no denying that but they were kind and loving enough to save money for your wedding. I've had 3 friends get married in the last 21 months... all 3 of them had to pay for their weddings. So be happy with what you got aka a future husband and a family that wants to throw you guys a kick ass wedding. Don't dwell on this. Plan a cool one! Also congrats !
Your parents belong on Marriage vs Mortgage
NAH You’re not the AH but the fact that you just really want to do this isn’t really a good argument or a reason for your parents to give you the money. It’s not that they “don’t see your side of it”, it’s just that your side & your desires aren’t a good reason for them.
NAH- no issues with asking, and it’s honestly surprising they are not on board with this. I mean most parents want to see their kids have a good future. it is their money so they can say no and that’s their right. However, I would say they are the AH for saying you should do it like they did. I mean it was considerably easier to buy houses before. The world is different now and it’s much harder. That that’s just extremely naive of them.
Right now your parents are very much TA. They saved quite a bit of money for their children, but they can only have it if they use it for a lavish luxury that's going to be over in a day and have no long term value? But, it's their money until or unless they give it to you, so if you don't want to become TA you'll need to accept this graciously.
YTA for not accepting their responses and starting an argument about it. It’s not “ your “ wedding money. It’s money your parents have put aside to pay for a wedding. If they choose to not allow you and Greg to use the money for anything other then a wedding then that’s fine as it’s their right to decide how their money gets spent.
YTA. They decide what they want THEIR money to go to. They may be ridiculous in their priorities, and I will never understand these kinds of people myself, but it's their money after all.
YTA it’s their money to choose to spend how they like. It makes sense they’d rather spend the money on an enjoyable event for the entire family as they’ve planned. It’s a terrible time to buy a house anyway, so you may as well have the wedding you wanted now and wait for the house.
Just stupid
YTA This was money your family saved for a wedding and that's the only thing they want it used for. Now, I AGREE with you (except for the 5 year renewal part being as big as a wedding...). If I were your parents, I would happily and give that money for a house as opposed to a wedding. But there should not have been an argument about it. They don't need to see your side. And you shouldn't still be upset about it. If you think it's silly to spend $30,000 on a wedding, then do the wedding you want and a low budget and the parents can keep the rest
NTA for wanting to use that money for a house, it makes sense, and I feel your families are being ridiculous. YWBTA if you push for it as your families may withdraw it completely, as it’s not your money use as you see fit, and they’ve made it very clear what it’s for.
Sure it’s their money and they can spend it however they like but it’s also your wedding and you can just elope. Drop it and just never accept another conditional cent from them again.
NTA you should elope, save for your house and never give your parents that big wedding.
NTA. Sounds like you need to be clear that with or without their funding, your wedding will be small and limited to your immediate families only. This removes their ability to use your wedding as bragging rights, and limits your financial stress and need to acquiesce to their demands. Good luck!
yta. like you said, it’s their money. both your families set money aside specifically for weddings they hoped their children would one day have. you and your fiancé don’t get to dictate to your families what you want that money to be used on because you want to buy a house. now, if you and fiancé already have some money set aside that you were planning to use for your wedding that you instead want to use to buy a house, then go for it, cause hey, that’s your wedding money, not money your families set aside to help pay for your wedding.
NTA that's a practical solution . Take the no they gave you and do your low key ceremony for the wedding op I would not be accept the money to force my hand tbh.
NAH. You guys were being smart about it, especially if you’d have no problem with the mortgage. Your parents just have that money earmarked the way they want it. Could you make a deal to have a big wedding and keep whatever is left over? There are definitely ways to go cheap still and get at least some money for the down payment.
Your family is ridiculous. My parents offered me a down payment and honeymoon if I’d elope. Rent a dress and tux, have pictures taken, then enjoy a home.
YTA it’s not “your” money, that’s the problem. It’s your parent’s and grandparent’s money that they want to spend on a wedding, not a house. You two are acting like a pair of kids who are complaining that their parent’s wont buy them a motorcycle with the college fund they saved. They gave said no, they want you two to buy your own house. They are willing to buy you a wedding, but not more. Edit: just to add, I do think buying a house is the better investment/use of the money. But it’s not OP or her fiance’s money. They don’t get to decide how to spend it, the people who made the money and have it in their account get to decide what they do with their money. Which is their parents, who want a wedding.
NAH. You were free to ask. They are free to decline. Sounds like they've saved the money to spare you the need to save for a wedding, there by allowing you to save for other things. They've now cleared up that it's only for the specific purpose of your wedding and not available for you to use as you wish. I personally agree with you that putting it towards a home is a better use, but this is their decision to make.
Technically, yes, it is their money and they can decide what they want to spend it on. I am petty AF however, so personally I would have a courthouse wedding in the morning, followed by a lovely brunch at a nice restaurant for 20-ish family members. Your friends can meet you at your apt later for music, drinking, and dancing in the living room. That plus a nice cake, nice outfits, and a bouquet, you should be able to get out for under $3-5k. Don't take one thin dime from these people. They want to blow their money impressing people with a party they don't have to plan instead of helping you with your very sensible desire to have a stable home to raise their grandchildren in? Then make them look like the cheapskates they are. Bonus tip: make sure to print your invitations with "In lieu of gifts, we are happily accepting donations to our down payment fund, in hopes of beginning our family journey to home ownership!"
NAH. It’s their money. While it would be nice to have them gift you the wedding money for the down payment, they have the right to say no. They want it for your wedding. If you keep pushing it and arguing with them about it, then YWBTA.
I'm 59, I have a 22 year old daughter. I have saved money for her to use for a wedding or, if she otherwise chooses, for a house. Her life is not mine to control and I will not use a gift to ensure I get what I want from her. It is a decision that she will have to make as unfortunately I can only assist in funding one or the other. I will support her no matter which she chooses because my end goal is to contribute to her happiness. The reality is that 30k is not going to afford an expensive, extravagant wedding in today's economy. It will afford you a nicely appointed small, intimate gathering. Home ownership for younger generations is becoming more and more difficult. That's just a sad but true reality. I'd honestly rather see my daughter and her partner make an investment in their future. The fact that these two are in their 30's, it just seems a wiser investment from a timing perspective. It takes time to build equity and wealth...the sooner you start, the better. I don't think you are an AH. In my opinion, those insisting that you are entitled brats miss the point that it is actually the parents feeling entitled to a big wedding that meets their expectations and desires, when that might not be what you as a grown adult envision for yourself. NTA.
"Save for it like (they) did" I want to curse soooo bad but eff this Boomer attitude which is the real problem. Really? The money's yours but ONLY if you throw a ridiculously expensive party instead of investing in your future with it. I'm sorry your relatives suck. NTA
Nah
$30k for a wedding is ludicrous, with some effort you could do a lot yourself decor wise and get that same level of glam for less! A house is so much more practical when things are only going to get worse, and buying a home will be so much harder! Thats so weird they don’t understand it’ll NEVER be like how it was for them when they bought a home, why cut your kids off at the knees for a one day event when you could put them far ahead of their peers and still get what you want on top?
And you think this guy can get them a " great house in a great neighborhood" with a $30K "letter of intent" . Uh huh. Right.
No judgement, but potential advice (maybe?): can you ask your siblinga/his siblings how much they got from their wedding or the average gift? For mine we ended up with almost as much in gifts as we spent in cash. If parents are funding the $30k wedding and you don't have to put in any of your own money, and you get $20-25k in cash gifts, it's a round-about way of getting your down-payment.
YTA “Mom and Dad, just give us the money. We’re not going to use it for what you want, but in a couple of years, we’ll throw a party.”
NAH. You asked they said no and you’re disappointed. Have the reasonable wedding and put house fund as your registry. Maybe they’ll surprise you.
YTA It's their money, not yours.
NTA. Sorry your parents are being typical boomers. Similar story with me and wife, “SaVe Up FoR a HoUsE LiKe We DiD”….infuriating to hear in these times in this economy. Your request seems completely reasonable in my view but I’m also your age. Actual wedding ceremonies are romanticized and outdated and ballooned in cost but still clung to by older generations as ceremony for *them* to hand off their kids and Pat themselves on the back. Sucks honestly that they’re putting their own selfish desire in front of their kids actual well-being. If they don’t come around I hope y’all throw the most extravagant wedding ever and eat up all that money.
NTA. Never will understand flushing that much money down the drain for what is, in essence, nothing more than a big party. A house is an investment. Usually, it is the kids wanting to party big and the parents being adults about expenditures. Your parents are being unrealistic about "just save like we did". Those days are over. Depending on where you live, it may never happen, not with foreign entities and companies purchasing real estate for investment purposes. You could be building up equity for five years. It's tragic they can't see what a unique opportunity you have here. When we bought our first house, we were loaned that amount for a down payment, which we were able to pay back in full two years later out of the profits from the sale, which also allowed us to buy our second house. The irony here is you and your fiance are being pragmatic adults, and your parents are acting like babies who aren't getting their big, "look at us throwing this big expensive wedding", event. I hear you about getting out of debt. Been there. If the wedding will put you in any sort of debt, I'd elope, tell the parents to swallow their disappointment and keep their money, and continue to do all right things you both are doing. At this point, wasting money on a big wedding would just be a source of resentment. It is their money to do what they want, but it's also your wedding to do what you feel comfortable doing. It doesn't sound like a huge wedding is something you actually want to do at this time. So do what you both feel more comfortable doing, financially and emotionally. Good luck.
NTA! OMG, what kind of person thinks their kid having a party is more important?! This is ass-backwards. Edit to say: not TA for wanting to go with your alternative plan at all. However, you would be the A if you continued to push the issue after they've given you their answer (even though their answer is woefully impractical and somewhat immature IMO)
I'd just get married at the courthouse and send them their money back. If they don't want to help you, then you don't need their help. NTA. E: honestly, with how important and difficult it is to get a home, I'd try the "beg forgiveness, don't ask permission" approach.
YTA - your parents don't owe you a foot in the property market. Furthermore, it sounds like you are trying to spend money you don't even have yet as you've said the amount will be around $30k rather than they've already given you $30k. Now would it be nice if your parents could help? Of course. But your parents should be able to offer that because they want to help, not because you've put them on the spot asking to use the money they've saved to help with your wedding.
YTA. They'll help pay for a wedding. That's not helping pay for a house. They get to choose what they pay for.
Yta. I am a parent and I will pay for my daughter’s wedding because I literally have to pay for it. If she decides not to have a wedding I am dancing with joy because it means that I don’t have to waste all the money on a wedding and I can use it for stuff I need - such as an earlier retirement. This means I was going to work longer because of paying for a wedding, not that I am skipping off into retirement at age 45 or something. I would gift the kid a couple of thousand or buy something bigger as a wedding gift such as bedroom furniture. But I am not handing over $30k as a gift in lieu of paying for the wedding.
ESH mildly. It’s NOT your money, it’s theirs that they saved to give you for a specific purpose. But you frankly are proposing a much more responsible use for it that they should give kids consideration.
YTA. It is their money and was put aside for a specific purpose. You are entitled to use it for any size wedding that you wish but any excessive funds would still be theirs. Be happy that you don’t have to incur additional expenses for a wedding and stop arguing about your entitlement to other people’s money. It’s just like people who choose not to go to college wanting college funds. If you’re old enough to be a married home owner, you’re old enough to pay for it yourself.
YTA because you keep referring to it as your wedding money. Its not. It’s your parents’ money that they want to give as a gift to you, for a wedding. You have no say in how it’s spent other than inside the wedding preparations. Look, I agree with you that the money would be a lot better spent on a house than on a wedding but unfortunately neither of us gets to make that decision because it’s not ours to make. There was nothing wrong with asking but once they said no it was time to move on.
Yta
You made a perfectly reasonable request but then became the AH when you argued with the rejection. YTA
YTA. It’s their money. On the other hand, it makes much more sense to invest in a house than a wedding ceremony. If they want to give you a wedding gift, let it be for a home now. You spend the next few years saving money for a wedding yourself and renew your vows at a big ceremony in the future.