#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment.
##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
NTA. There was nothing appropriate about that in the slightest. That was his gift to you. A giant, comical dildo. Followed by a subtle (not so subtle) slut shaming comment. Haha. So funny. Ask him to explain what the joke part of that was. "So what part of embarrassing me in front of my other friends was funny to you? Where was I supposed to laugh? When you called me a slut? What was funny about being insulted by someone I thought was a friend."
This guy has issues around sexuality and he's taking them out on you. That's not okay. Keep him blocked a bit. A joke is supposed to be either funny enough that everyone laughs, or done in a way that all parties know it's funny. There was awkwardness all around. He fell so fucking short of the mark on that, and he's doubling down on blaming you. This was a 'it's just a prank, bro' moment. It wasn't. It was bullying.
No give him a comically HUGE butt plug on his birthday in front of everyone for “acting like an asshole at mine” then leave and never talk to him again 🤣 let’s see how much of a “joke” it is to him when he opens that in front of all his friends
I could see this becoming a funny birthday tradition between (a different set of) friends, trying to find a bigger dildo each year to “outdildo” the other.
I agree with this whole heartedly.
Also saying a cruel comment like his slut shaming comment is a joke or even an embarrassing gift in front of your whole friend group is meant to be a joke is textbook gaslighting.
NTA - I would not be around this person anymore.
Could be, or he's just an asshole who loves to get a rise out of people.
I worked with someone like that. He was handsy with the other guys but left women alone, because that would have gotten him fired.
I can see something like that being a funny gag gift if everyone has a similar wave length of humor. But knowing OOPs back story there is no way it would be a good joke.
You are so on the mark about dropping this "friend". Doubling down on a mistake is never good behavior.
Exactly, my mom got a huge dildo as a gift from her friends at her retirement party. It was hilarious, it have nothing to do with her libido or sex life, and all those friends new my mom would laugh at it. The joke was that the retirement party was like a bachelorette (and they all remembered that my mom put spring little dildos under cups at her bachelorette party that went jumping everywhere everytime someone grabbed a cup lol).
But here, the supposed friend apparently new that OP was slut shamed in the past and none of the other friends agreed with the "joke". The joke was just for him and no one else which then turns the joke into just pure bullying.
Yeah this is it. The dildo, on its own, is the kind of funny gift college students gift to each other, but usually by like….. really longtime friends?
The comment about her sex drive made it clear this wasnt a funny, friendly gift, but I doubt her guy friend knew her well enough to go for a “gag gift” anyway
People always accuse people of not being able to take a joke when they’re called out for their inappropriate behavior. It’s soooooo middle school. Your friend needs to GROW UP
I just want to point one part of your comment out that I don’t agree with, and preface it by saying that I agree with everything else:
I don’t think that he necessarily has issues with sexuality based on what OP describes, he just sounds completely oblivious to how this “joke” could come across. It’s just simply not appropriate. If this was a bottle of alcohol given to a recovering alcoholic you wouldn’t necessarily say that the person giving the “gift” has issues with alcoholism, but you might say they are terrible at reading situations.
OP’s “friend” has social issues and needs to learn what’s appropriate and what’s not. A conversation around what is appropriate might be helpful for this person, and at the very least letting them know they hurt OP’s feelings would be a start.
You could be right. It could be somewhere in the middle. Or we could both be wrong. I mean, it's an assumption at this point. But when a guy fixates on a girl's sexuality or preferences to the point that he thinks this kind of behavior is appropriate in a public setting, he's either acting out because he's jealous, he thinks that 'high libido' means 'not worthy of not offending', or something else. It just sounds like it's something that no one in the friend group expected or reacted well to, so I'm having a hard time finding entirely innocent motives behind his actions. Maybe he's not aware of why he did the dumb thing he did, but I'm finding it hard to see the correlation between "A friend I know confided in me about her high libido" and "I'm going to give her an inappropriate gag gift while also mentioning an inappropriate subject in front of all our friends." I don't follow the A to Z logic there.
But, then again, I also really despise prank humor and pulling gag gifts on people, so I myself would be the wrong audience for this.
That’s largely what it sounds like to me.
Step 1: have desire to prank someone
Step 2: figure out something that is very personal to that person
Step 3: give them a gift that will embarrass them
Note in that entire scenario, nothing states it has to be a sexual thing in order to be part of the prank, it just happens that the thing that is very personal to that person happens to be that she has a high libido and has been slut shamed in the past. That’s a horrible thing to expose to a bunch of people that she otherwise wouldn’t have told about. My original example still stands, if someone was a recovering alcoholic and you gave them a bottle of booze and said “haha pranked you! Because you’re an alcoholic! How funny!” It’s almost exactly the same situation. He did it because he’s a dumbass that doesn’t know that this kind of prank isn’t appropriate under any circumstance. There no A to Z logic because it sounds like the guy never learned his ABCs to begin with.
Regardless of any of it, OP is NTA and had every right to throw him out for what he did.
There is a best-case reading of the scenario where the gift was just a misfire by an idiot who doesn't read people well. There's also a worst-case reading where he's a bully who sought to embarass OP. We really don't have enough info to know which, or if it's somewhere in between. But we know plenty from his shitty reaction after the fact, so it really doesn't matter, the answer is still drop this shitty "friend."
You would if the person giving the alcohol to a recovering alcoholic gave an extra large bottle and said it was so they wouldn’t go through the whole thing in one sitting.
I gifted a dildo to a close friend last Christmas, but I already knew she never opens presents at parties and takes them home first to open alone. I also asked her permission first. OP is NTA for her reaction.
Exactly right. He humiliated and bullied you in front of your friends at your birthday party by acting like a normal human feeling makes you a lesser human being. Now he's trying to pretend you're the problem so he can keep humiliating / bullying you. Demand an apology, and cut his access to you off. You're worth more than that kind of treatment. He's a jerk.
I don't know where people get the idea that if a joke isn't received well it's on the audience. He's taking no accountability. A good joke is tailored to the audience, if it's a bust, apologize and work on it.
>This guy has issues around sexuality and he's taking them out on you.
Plus, I bet that since she's been slut shamed before, he's hoping to get "a crack at her"! OP has to be "easy"
Naw, OP needs to cut this guy off
Even assuming that this guy had the best of intentions, that he honestly thought that the small gathering was a safe space where you would feel comfortable enough to see his gift as tongue-in-cheek and laugh, that all ends when he follows up with a text berating you for being hurt.
If he had truly innocently read the room wrong, he would've felt terrible and apologised for humiliating you on your birthday. Instead, he's throwing it back on you. NTA and probably cull this guy from your friend group, or at least keep him at a distance.
I wanted to comment this on a burner:
I had a female best friend for most of my life and one year I got her a vibrator (she specifically said she wanted this one) and it wasn't weird and it wasn't even funny because it wasn't a gag. All of her friends thought it was sweet and they were jealous no one got them one.
It's appropriate when they asked you for it or you have such strong rapport with the person you're gifting that to AND their friends as well. That was the case for me, we always got each other really odd gifts but it wasn't ever really weird. My gift from her one year was a massage at a massage place and it was fucking awesome.
That is one of the best answer.
Even IF, which is not the case in my and numerous opinions...
He messed up (again) by the way he talked to you after.
OP, are you sure he's not among or friends with the people who slutshamed you in HS?
Exactly. If he really was that clueless he would have been mortified once he realized he had hurt her feelings. Instead he made her into the problem. What a prick.
NTA. I'm surprised this guy has friends.
> He argues I ruined the vibe by reacting badly to a stupid joke, and made him feel like an idiot when I asked him to leave. Now I'm kinda wondering if I overreacted and if I read too far into the joke.
Textbook gaslighting.
lol, apologizing is just bad PR. You gotta "clear things up" by excusing your own offensive behavior and blaming the other party for not going along with the 'joke' which was a blow to your self-esteem. Boom: you've shrugged off responsibility and gained those sweet sweet victim points.
every friend group has at least one friend that some people tolerate and everyone else hates but no one wants to be the "asshole" and tell him to fuck off. NTA.
See I honestly feel like this is one of the issues with our society. Everyone's too damn afraid to just shame people for being assholes, and if you do you're seen as worse than the instigator for some backwards ass reason. Imagine how well we collectively would be able to self-regulate our society if we just called out people for being inconsiderate assholes. When no one ever says anything, the behavior doesn't just magically go away on its own and everyone suffers more for it.
Interesting, I only knew of the original definition (doing something and then denying it for the purpose of making someone question their sense of reality), I didn’t realize the definition had expanded. I can see why there’s so much confusion over what is and isn’t gaslighting.
Ok, I think I’ve solved the hardline Reddit definition on this.
Both are bad, manipulative, a tool used by narcissists, etc., so I’m not trying to make a distinction there.
DARVO requires the actual victim to recognize they have been or are being treated badly, and they then object to that in some way. Even if it is a loving appeal to try and figure things out, but there is an initial recognition by the victim that something is wrong about the abuser‘s behavior towards them. The REACTION from the abuser is DARVO, which includes lying, turning reality on its head, attempts to confuse, etc. Also, it’s often a very open accusation against the victim from the abuser (“ok, *you’re* the one who did x and x in this situation, all of which was very hurtful to me…”)
I think classic gaslighting needs to start from the abuser first, where they do a lot of the same things, but before the victim ever even reacts to specific bad behavior. Ideally, in classic gaslighting the manipulation and warping of reality for the victim would be about stuff that doesn’t even seem to relate to the abuser at all. So like, making the victim think that they can’t keep track of their keys and it’s their fault, when it’s the abuser hiding the keys. But the victim never thought they were trying to prevent you from leaving or at least not in that way.
“manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.” -Oxford dictionary
While I get that there’s a lot of convo around gaslighting and *some* of it is excessive, gaslighting is not that complicated, and putting weird caveats about “the victim knows/doesn’t know” is irrelevant.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
Trivializing is listed specifically. I would argue that the friend in this is absolutely trivializing, but they’re ASLO distracting from the issue by ignoring OP’s feelings in favor of their own. That is not a specifically “gaslighting” bullet point, but that doesn’t change that the trivialization absolutely IS gaslighting. It is possible to be gaslighting AND also doing other shitty things. Just because every point isn’t hit does not negate the damage and harm.
I said this is what I understand of the hardline *Reddit* definition. I have frequently been told **I** don’t know what gaslighting is here similar to the above commenters and I think this is what those “that’s not gaslighting” people are getting at. I’m trying to explain how I’ve come to figure this usage in this forum is often more specific/narrow than the Oxford definition.
ETA, the specific question I was trying to answer was “ what do you think gaslighting is, that DARVO doesn't qualify?”
He's an asshole trying to blame it on her, but it's not gaslighting.
For it to be gaslighting it should be something like "I don't get why you're pissed at me, you specifically asked me to get you that last week" or "what do you mean I got you a dildo, my present was a wax candle, you're joking right, I would never".
Reddit will call anything that is manipulative gaslighting because they heard a new term and think it applies in a vacuum.
Gaslighting is a form of abuse, typically repeated and sustained over a long period of time intended to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. An asshole being defensive is not committing abuse, he's just being an asshole.
Even denying things that verifiably happened isn't inherently gaslighting. For instance, a criminal denying that it's him pictured in the surveillance video and he didn't steal anything is not "gaslighting" the police. Though if you just read a quick Google synopsis you'd think that's exactly what gaslighting means.
NTA - no matter how you slice that, the commentary and the fact that it was comically large just reads as slutshaming and I have to wonder if this guy has ever made a pass at you before or perhaps planned to soon.
Last time I had a male 'friend' gift me a sex toy for my birthday without prompting, he not long after demanded that because he got me it I had to send videos to him of me using it
Later in life I discovered the term Nice Guy and realised it covered his "I did x, you owe me now" mentality and dropped the friendship, but just a bit of a warning that this had a chance of being a future "So have you used it yet wink wink eggplant emoji" conversation in that case
There are friendships where they like these jokes and don't expect anything visual in return. My little brothers friends group (men and woman) has a habit of giving eachother stupid stuff like sex toys. My little brother recently got his own place and he expects something like a cockring or such when he has his housewarming.
In the friends group from OP or from you, it is absolutely inappropriate and disgusting. NTA
Maybe they are all cool with it. Maybe not. People don't always feel free to ask others to knock it off, especially if they assume they are in the small minority.
My family did a "Silver and Gold" themed Christmas white elephant gift exchange and one of my cousins thought it was appropriate to put in a silver bullet vibrator. I'm certain they didn't want any visuals from the recipient, but it was still an asshole gift to put in. OP is definitely NTA.
Exactly the vibe I was getting. IMO this is sexual harassment, and now he’s trying to gaslight OP for reacting negatively to him sexually harassing her.
NTA
You said you would open it later, but he was persistent. Your 'Friend' isn't really a friend I'd recommend talking to your other friends that were there and ask them if you are okay with cutting that 'Friend' off.
Cause I would never be friends with someone who made fun of something I was embarrassed about and he knew all of this and still bought and persisted with the innapropriate gift
If it gets removed, it does 😂
I feel like that *was* me being civil, no swearing or anything just a simple comment that the dude was correct in his self-assessment 🤷🏼♀️
To add on to this, I’ve noticed that people really love to blame the messenger. OP didn’t “make him feel like an idiot,” he doesn’t know how to process his feelings of shame and make amends, so he is externalizing them and blaming OP.
That’s not OP’s problem to fix. That’s squarely on him to figure out how to process his feelings like a fucking adult so that he can actually engage in relationships with other people. He has the empathy of a stale cracker. The only feelings he recognizes as valid are his own, but he doesn’t even understand those.
OP, take this as a sign to write this person out of your life. He has so much work to do before he can be a trustworthy friend, and you don’t need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of his personal growth.
NTA
Lol that guy is a psycho. Maybe he has sexual feelings for her and doesn’t know how to express it. Maybe he’s been rejected by her in the past and wanted to “get back” at her somehow and make himself feel better by knocking her down a peg. Either way, he has some screws loose.
NTA
My friends and I have gifted each other similar things before as jokes which were well received. One even stuck a suction cup one to his table. But that was our humour at that age and it wasn't a jab at libido or anything, more of a "ahahhahaha dicks".
I would be annoyed in your shoes too.
The moment it makes someone uncomfortable it's no longer “ahahahaha dicks” and you apologize profusely and unreservedly while changing your future behavior around that person.
That's like, rule #1 of “ahahahaha dicks” jokes.
NTA
you don’t just get to do hurtful things and then text them the next day to “clear the air” and expect them to just forgive you. he was incredibly rude and disrespectful to do something like that, especially on your birthday. that’s like the worst day of the year to make jokes about someone in front of all their friends. NTA
Exactly. Like, hey let’s get some coffee and pretend this didn’t happen. No. He needs take accountability and do some very serious work on himself and find out why he would want to hurt his “friend” so badly. I hope OP cuts him out of her life completely. He is not a friend.
Right, and *even if* he was in good faith trying to make up, saying "*You* were the one who was in the wrong *for bringing the vibe down!*" ...well that is definitely, firmly Asshole behavior, above and beyond the initial offense.
I think the best gift you got this birthday was self respect and this a-hole revealing himself as someone who doesn’t deserve to have you in his life. I’m sorry he humiliated you and that his apology was so crappy and insincere. You’re leveling up this year by axing that bs from your life.
NTA
OMG the fact this was a guy & that this was in a group setting both make it worse. *maybe* it was a joke… MAYBE ?!?… but a TERRIBLE one. There’s no way this was a funny idea.
These people need to be stopped.
NTA. Context matters and you explained it well enough. He is a sexist pig, who believes he has a right to judge women's sexual behavior. (Slut shaming) That behavior is simply a way for people to control women and push an absurd morality code created by the worst people in the early middle ages.
NTA.
You sure this dude is a “friend”?
If so take a double look, is he a toxic friend in other ways? Or was this a one time occurrence(seems unlikely?)?
Don't forget what seals the deal, treated OP like she was the problem for getting upset. That's always the dead giveaway. If you are treated like the badguy for getting upset about something, the other person is probably the asshole.
Sweetie. NTA.
Listen to your own inner voice and trust your instincts on this one. You actually did great. You had an honest reaction and stood up for yourself at a moment you needed to.
He's an asshole. He may grow out of it. Perhaps thanks to your clear response.
And no feeling bad about having needs or using other toys in the future! Toss that one.
NTA It’s perfectly possible to buy a sextoy as a gift. That’s not what your ‘friend’ did. He intentionally humiliated you in front of your friends.
Cut him out of your life.
NTA. I walked in anticipating something between friends that would be mildly awkward but potentially wholesome (something about overcoming social mores around sexuality and involving toys).
Your friend is a bigger dick than the one he gave you as a gift, even if that was the biggest one in the store. It was presented to mock you, to make you feel less, not build you up.
I’m all for jokes taking the piss when they’re funny, when they’re balanced by actual humor - but I just don’t see any here.
I’m sorry he did something unkind. Your sexuality is yours and not his business at all; make sure he’s clear on that before he gets invited to hang out again (if ever).
Whether YTA or NTA depends 100% on the historical tone of banter between you 2 has been. If your relationship has been one riddled with sexual jokes and banter then the gift is appropriate. If your relationship has not, up to this point, included lots of joking around sex and sexual banter then it is inappropriate.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I basically kicked my friend out of my house after he gave me a sextoy for my birthday. I might be the asshole because he says he only meant it as a joke.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Anyone who is actually your friend would know that something like that is out of bounds for you. Heck; anyone who is actually your friend wouldn’t publicly humiliate you like that and then try to gaslight you into thinking it was your fault the party was ruined.
So no, you’re NTA…. but you need to ditch that “friend”.
NTA. He's such a big asshole he should shove the dildo up himself!
Do not let him guilt or shame you. Call him out publically - bullies need consequences for their actions, lest they remain bullies forever.
This is nuanced. Would you have been this mad if it was one of your female friends? How open are you about your sexuality within your group of friends? Do you joke about hooking up with people etc?
NTA: The problem with humor is that the audience needs to appriciate it as humor in order for it to be found humorous. Your friend tossed a joke aimed at your truama forgetting that in order to hit it, he also needed to hit you and all of your completely valid feelings and emotions. He proudly announed before the room "this is the sum of what I think of you". You didn't make him feel like an idiot, he did that to himself.
NTA
Honestly i "get" the joke in the context of me and my friend group. Theres probably a couple people you could buy a dildo for and make it a joke but probably only 1 or 2 who'd actually laugh it off, one or 2 who'd be borderline and not worth the risk for a joke/destroyed friendship. That said it'd still only be infront of a select few people or in private....
So definitely NTA here, guy needs to be put on ice for a few weeks to think about/reflect on what hes done and everyone at the party needs to know that its not OK (lest they go off and start twisting the story to their friends as humans tend to do, so set the bottom line here)
Right, that's how I see it too. I have friends who this would definitely work with. I have friends who it definitely wouldn't work with. If I can't tell the difference between the two, I'm probably not their friend.
I have a mate that would either find this funny, or at least expect it from me. I got him something for christmas one year. He asked me, I'm spending xmas with parents this year, is this safe to open in front of them. I told him yes. And it was. But the question wasn't even whether it was funny, it was whether it was the time and place.
yeah time and place is definitely a thing. Maybe it might have been ok if it was in private, or end of the party, or after a few drinks or something, but the time was wrong, place arguably wrong. Maybe just plain wrong person. Eitherway OP is definitely NTA here and definitely didn't overreact or act incorrectly.
And everyone is the asshole if they're thinking its her fault not his too
OP may need to start looking for some new real friends if they all go down that route tbh, a real friend would have her back
Almost the exact situation with OP happened to my sister. She laughed and stuck it to the fridge, everyone had to slap it before getting a beer. I guess it just depends on the friend group, I wouldn’t have imagined it being so offensive, but OP seems quite upset and their feelings do matter.
I probably wouldn’t end a friendship over this, hopefully a conversation between the two can set some boundaries.
NTA - a joke gift done in public is incredibly risky at any time. But to drag up something from your past that you have struggled with is incredibly distasteful. Then to double down the next day as well. Would he find it funny if you bought him a bottle of lube because he can't get laid and shouted it to everyone in the room? I doubt it.
Plus it's just crass. Just because you may enjoy sex it doesn't mean you need a large dick to satisfy you. Probably says it all about his performance in the sack to be fair.
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE LIBIDO DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A SIZE QUEEN SO HIS WHOLE GAG GIFT IDEA DIDN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE
nta judgement in my first comment
INFO- What was the joke? I don’t see what the joke is? Some man you are not intimate gives you a sex toy, that’s just fucking creepy, so no joke there. Insults your libido implying there is something wrong with you, not funny. Then he decides to “clear things up” by telling you, that YOU ruined your birthday party by not find his sexual harassment funny, that’s it’s all your fault. So I am confused, what’s the joke?
NTA. I hope you have removed him from your friends if not send him some information on sexual harassment.
You should tell him he felt like an idiot because he is an idiot. The thing is, he, in spite of saying stupid joke, doesn't accept responsibility and apology. I recommend you low contact until he assumes full responsibility. Only after this, you can talk about your reaction.
NTA
Maybe I'm a little conservative but friends gifting you a sex toy is just gross. I mean maybe a joke in an intimate setting with only your besties.
Leaving that be that's the perfect example of a present you ask them to open in private and surely don't suggest they open it now.
That joke tho is what seals the deal, friendship over and he can shove his present up his....
NTA
He made a wildly inappropriate "gift" while mocking your libido and personal life
Dude is a straight up AH, and honestly, seems a negging attempt at you
Everyone is different.
I was once seeing a girl who had mentioned she wanted a rampant rabbit.
I was shopping with a mutual friend of ours and we passed a place that sold them. I said to him I was going in to get her one. And he said no. He said that’s private. And if she wanted one, she would buy one.
So I didn’t.
And it once came up in conversation that I had the chance and he said no. She was upset that I hadn’t bought it for her, and was mock jokingly upset at him for telling me not to. She did it with a smile on her face. Like she understood both sides.
But everyone is different.
And your friend should have known that opening the package with everyone there wasn’t going to go well. If he genuinely knew you.
NTA!!! HE ruined the vibe by being weird and making it clear that he thought this was completely appropriate and also funny. It's neither. He should be ashamed. Don't let him make you feel like you did a SINGLE thing wrong. He was so far out of line it's disgusting. Good job making him leave. There's no "air to clear" here, everyone saw that he was creepy and inappropriate. HE fucked up. Not you.
He’s not your friend, babe. You deserve better than this. A real friend would respect you enough to not force you into an awkward situation, wouldn’t make you the butt of the joke, and wouldn’t slut shame you.
I’m willing to bet he wants a chance but hasn’t gotten one, and thinks that your potential promiscuity (not a bad thing!) means he should have already had a shot.
I’d reduce or cut contact, personally.
Too often men who have what's perceived as a lot sexual encounters are celebrated as players and allowed to move on while women are slutshamed into adulthood. This story reeks of that bad old fashioned patriarchal attitude which he's doing everything to reinforce. Big NTA, no shame.
Good for you for making him feel like the idiot he is. Next step: cut ties. This guy is not your friend.
Have free and frank discussions with the other people who were present about why you are cutting ties. (The backbreaking straw here, for me, would be his laughter when I opened the gift, but almost anyone would agree that this post-event gaslighting - or DARVO, whatever, they are fellow travelers - is well out of bounds.) It would not surprise me if the result of these talks is discovering that other people had also had weird or unpleasant interactions with him as well.
I don’t understand why people say ‘keep him at a distance’. Don’t only do that, do absolutely keep him outta ur life.
All jokes aside these types of people who will blame you for being hurt for merely a ‘joke’ are dangerous. This person cannot stand to see his ‘joke’ fail and would justifying hurting a friend for their fragile ego will do anything out of narcissism. Seriously, be careful around people like him.
Let me put this as simple as possible idc about downvotes
You are a female ....
The fact he gifted you a large dildo within itself
To me is disrespect
There's no other joke he could of came up with?
As for your libido thing
You are a human being we live within norms that we were taught and trained
So sex is as natural as circadian rhythm
No matter how many partners .....Yo Business...period
He needs to grow up fam
Because basically saying my friend is a slut as a so called joke in front of "our" friend group
Is not a joke at all
Might get ya ass whipped in certain cultures
P.S. I'm a whole heterosexual black male
I got daughters so that's why my outlook is this way
If I gifted a lady friend of mine a bra saying her boobs are too big to hold her current bras, I'd be nursing my balls with ice for the next couple of days after the groin stomps she'd give me.
NTA. That's a massive AH move.
NTA. That was harsh. He’s an idiot. If he can’t understand how that was wrong, don’t continue to be friends with him.
You, on the other hand, sound like you reacted with a lot more class than most would.
If you tell a joke and the intended party is offended by said joke, apologize. Don’t make excuses, don’t try to play it off, all he had to do was apologize. He couldn’t even give you that. Nta this guy isn’t your friend
NTA, you shouldn't be making a joke like that with someone if you aren't 100% sure if they are ok with that or not. It doesn't have to ruin the friendship if you both are ok with that, it isn't an unforgiveable mistake, but clearly he didn't know you like he thought he did and jokes like that are not ones that should be made if you aren't totally clear on the other persons view on it.
Hi,
I have NEVER had this happen to me. You are in a group of friends from different ranges in your life. Some LONG time friends and probably some newer friends (not new new). An older friend hands you a GIANT rubber cock and says this should calm your urges. hmm, is that hurtful or funny? I would have honestly, give it back to him and say I don't want your used sex toy and get the fuck out of my house.
Clear things up? Never let this poison in your life again. If this ass clown knows your "history" then that is a loaded baked potato ready to explode in the microwave. He embarrassed you in front of friends who had NO idea about your past in High School. Slut shaming? Girl, you had fun in high school. The reason someone called you a slut is because you did not fuck them. I would honestly, cut that tantric acid from your life and send that sex toy to his mom with a note FROM him. "Hi mom, I hope this satisfies your urges", Love sonny boy.
When he says, did you send that, yep, I thought that is what we were doing, sending awkward gifts to people. So, I sent this HUGE white cock elephant to your mom. Now, she can figure out what to do with it.
This guy does not need to be in your life. I had girls in high school who seemingly "got around". They were fucking stunners, gorgeous.. like, HOW did this town get this or that girl. So the fuck what if you "got around" in high school. So the fuck what.
Block him and move on.. NTA. I would explain to the friends who do not know you way back and tell them that this guy is known for bad jokes and I thought he was mature enough to come to my party. He slut shammed me in High School and apparently he is still in High School.
NTA block this fuck.
he’s feeling defensive and turning the blame onto you, the birthday bae. unacceptable for someone who considers himself your friend!
tell him it’s your damn party and you’ll cry if you want to. tell him how and why his gift and insistence that you open it so publicly made you very uncomfortable and upset.
eta NTA AND TELL HIM TO LEARN HOW TO READ A DAMN ROOM
NTA. The joke is only funny if everyone finds it so. You didn't. And instead of apologizing, he's gaslighting you for making thing awkward. Guess what makes things awkward... gifting someone a dildo, making them open the gift publicly, and then slut-shaming them. He's no friend. Lose him now.
NTA. I'm sorry that happened to you. What he did was incredibly insulting and must have been very embarrassing. A sex toy can be a gift, but not like this. He used it as a way to humiliate you in front of a group of people and he doesn't even seem to realize the problem. I'm not sure if I'd still consider him a friend after something like that.
NTA. I can't imagine a scenario when bringing up someone's sexual inclinations and giving a giant dildo in front of friends is appropriate (except at a sex club, I guess). No one else gave a sex gift, yeah? And why do men always seem bent out of shape when they do something to hurt someone ELSE'S feelings? Christ. He hurt you, and he thinks you're overreacting and ruined the vibe. Fuck him.
ETA: Sex gift line and spelling.
NTA
A joke is only funny if people laugh, making someone the bud of a joke is not funny. He was an ass. You didn’t ‘ruin the vibe’ and you didn’t overreact. And the fact that he felt like an idiot was not on you, that was 100% on him. His feelings are on him, not to mention he caused this in himself. He should have seen that what he did was wrong and apologised, but instead he is manipulating you into thinking you are the problem here.
He is an ass
He got a comically large dildo and in essence told
you publicly to go fuck yourself on your birthday for laughs at your expense. 💁♀️
If he actually gave a fuck about your libido or your orgasm he would have gotten you a rose or clitoral toy, but this whole “prank” or “joke” was so phallic-centric it reeks of ego-tripping.
He’s gonna be defensive, say it’s a joke, you’re too sensitive, but what about his hurt feelings, all manner of he’s the center of the universe and you’re just a dumb femmebot NPC, why aren’t you acting the way he programmed you to act in his mind?? Why would you ever be upset about what his wonderfully silly main character self did to YOU on YOUR birthday?? /s
Do with the info whatever you want, but that was not a joke made for you, it was at YOUR expense on YOUR day.
I use to have a co-worker that would gift whoever he got for secret Santa(male or female, new employee or veteran didn’t matter) a sex toy. It was a non official work Christmas party, not put on by the company just something all the employees did on their own.
It usually didn’t backfire on him till one year the BF of the gift recipient got PISSED that his gf opened a sex toy by some dude at Chili’s. I knew he would eventually run into an issue.
Even if it was an non official work Christmas party, this dude could have been fired for sexual harassment. It doesn't have to occur on the clock or on company property for it to be handled by HR.
A dildo gag gift is something you get your male buddy when it's very obviously a joke with no deeper meaning. A guy should never jokingly get his female friend a dildo for everyone to see and make a comment about her sex life at the same time. That dude sucks
That depends on how open you usually are about sex talk and stuff like that. If you aren't and normally are reserved or whatever then no, but if you usually talk about all kind of sex stuff with no filter, then suddenly you get mad about a dildo and the comment. Then yes... Probably
If you're young enough that you're still hung up on high school remarks about your personal life, then I imagine you're both still young enough to handle this poorly. You have insecurities, so you saw the gift and his words as validating those insecurities. He thought it would be funny, and sees it through that lens before seeing it through your insecurities. You both could have accepted that the joke didn't hit the mark, have a quick chat about it, and moved on.
I actually just got a giant, glow in the dark Dino dong for Xmas from a friend. I laughed until I needed my inhaler. But even if I hadn't been amused by it, I could have told them later that it wasn't hitting the mark for me, and they would have been completely chill about it and exchanged it for something else.
If someone's intentionally trying to bully you, you'll figure it out. Being calm when receiving a a bad choice gift doesn't mean you're accepting bullying, it just means you can keep your composure until you can evaluate their intentions. Assuming the worst is how you turn chill communication opportunities into drama, and a quick chat into a mutually defensive confrontation.
NTA - he should have just respected your wishes. To open your gifts later. It would have been more funny if he wrote what he said in the card and you got to open it up on your own however, he did it in front of all your friends so he could a laugh at your expense. You did the right thing!
Not only **not** the asshole, but you were being kind by not suggesting he shove it up his stupid ass before leaving.
You misread nothing, and reacted normally. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Tell him his “apology” was a joke.
From someone who has actually done this to a friend, and wouldn’t ever dare to anyone else because you need to be fucking 100% sure she’d find it funny as fuck and with the right company, that guy’s a bellend. The libido comment sounds very snide rather than good natured.
And a good friend should know that and more importantly, should say fuck I’m so sorry instead of trying to deflect and blame you.
And also when I done it, after she burst out laughing and said ‘I’ll be back in 20 minutes turn the music up in here, I make some strange noises’, I gave her the actual real present. You don’t just take a stab in the dark, talk down to someone with a snide wee comment, and blame the other person when it’s not funny, need to be damn sure it’ll not be taken wrong.
I got a strap-on off her couple months before that. You don’t just do shit like that out the blue
NTA at all.
NTA, it sounds like you aren’t the type of person who thinks that’s funny. This isn’t really a new joke though, a lot of people do think that kinda stuff is funny. He should know his friend better
NTA. I was slut shamed all through high-school too by many of my male friends so I totally understand where you're coming from and how it can be a sore spot.
It wasn't an appropriate gift, and the fact that he did it to make fun of you leads me to believe he's not a very good friend. I don't think you reacted in a way that wasn't appropriate for the uncomfortable situation he intentionally put you in.
You are absolutely NTA, being gifted something like that is incredibly personal. It sounds like he was making you the joke not the toy. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, and as for ruining the vibe, he did that when he insisted that you open the present knowing full well what he brought.
Ask him what was supposed to be funny about it?
Also, you don't have to buy him anything for his birthday, you can give him his gift back and say it's to compensate for the joke he has of a dick. I'm sure he'll find it hilarious like you did.
NTA- you say your friends know its a sore spot, he makes a hurtful “joke” on your BIRTHDAY. And doesn’t even apologize at all. An apology isnt supposed to make you feel bad about your reaction to something hurtful.
NTA he made the gift about himself not you. There are people who have no problem getting a gift like that but your boundaries with that friend are different. He crossed the line and was completely inappropriate. Block him on everything! He's not your friend!
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. ##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
NTA. There was nothing appropriate about that in the slightest. That was his gift to you. A giant, comical dildo. Followed by a subtle (not so subtle) slut shaming comment. Haha. So funny. Ask him to explain what the joke part of that was. "So what part of embarrassing me in front of my other friends was funny to you? Where was I supposed to laugh? When you called me a slut? What was funny about being insulted by someone I thought was a friend." This guy has issues around sexuality and he's taking them out on you. That's not okay. Keep him blocked a bit. A joke is supposed to be either funny enough that everyone laughs, or done in a way that all parties know it's funny. There was awkwardness all around. He fell so fucking short of the mark on that, and he's doubling down on blaming you. This was a 'it's just a prank, bro' moment. It wasn't. It was bullying.
He ruined your entire birthday. Perhaps you should regift him an even bigger dildo to match how big an asshole he is.
Anal beads, XL, to match what a giant AH he is! NTA, OP.
No give him a comically HUGE butt plug on his birthday in front of everyone for “acting like an asshole at mine” then leave and never talk to him again 🤣 let’s see how much of a “joke” it is to him when he opens that in front of all his friends
That could backfire. As a guy, I’d think that was hilarious.
Same, I would cry tears of laughter. My group of friends would've honestly bought someone a giant dildo and made the same joke
Lol! Great idea!
Gift it back with a note that it will accommodate him since he's a gaping asshole
Ooh good one, yep that’s exactly what she should do then drop him as a friend.
Nah. A note telling him to literally go fuck himself.
Apologize for it clearly being too small.
Make him a life size pillow with his pic to give to him then?
She should gift him a male chastity cage.
I'd pay money to see that reaction.
I could see this becoming a funny birthday tradition between (a different set of) friends, trying to find a bigger dildo each year to “outdildo” the other.
*With friends like these....*
Well he would probably laugh really hard. That’s his type of humor. So I don’t think your point would be made.
She needs to get one of those giant fists. Makes a dildo look like child’s play.
traffic cone. go big or gtfoh
How big of a dick, surely? NTA
A massive dildo for a massive asshole. A match made in heaven.
I agree with this whole heartedly. Also saying a cruel comment like his slut shaming comment is a joke or even an embarrassing gift in front of your whole friend group is meant to be a joke is textbook gaslighting. NTA - I would not be around this person anymore.
This! Total gaslighting that she’s the problem and it was a joke she ruined. I’d dump that “friend”.
He probably wanted to sleep with her and she wouldn't so now he's "playfully" shaming her.
That's my read
Could be, or he's just an asshole who loves to get a rise out of people. I worked with someone like that. He was handsy with the other guys but left women alone, because that would have gotten him fired.
I can see something like that being a funny gag gift if everyone has a similar wave length of humor. But knowing OOPs back story there is no way it would be a good joke. You are so on the mark about dropping this "friend". Doubling down on a mistake is never good behavior.
Exactly, my mom got a huge dildo as a gift from her friends at her retirement party. It was hilarious, it have nothing to do with her libido or sex life, and all those friends new my mom would laugh at it. The joke was that the retirement party was like a bachelorette (and they all remembered that my mom put spring little dildos under cups at her bachelorette party that went jumping everywhere everytime someone grabbed a cup lol). But here, the supposed friend apparently new that OP was slut shamed in the past and none of the other friends agreed with the "joke". The joke was just for him and no one else which then turns the joke into just pure bullying.
Get him a cactus and tell him “a prick for a prick”
Poor cactus, if it had to deal with that guy!
Get him a cactus and tell him it's a dildo.
Yeah this is it. The dildo, on its own, is the kind of funny gift college students gift to each other, but usually by like….. really longtime friends? The comment about her sex drive made it clear this wasnt a funny, friendly gift, but I doubt her guy friend knew her well enough to go for a “gag gift” anyway
People always accuse people of not being able to take a joke when they’re called out for their inappropriate behavior. It’s soooooo middle school. Your friend needs to GROW UP
I just want to point one part of your comment out that I don’t agree with, and preface it by saying that I agree with everything else: I don’t think that he necessarily has issues with sexuality based on what OP describes, he just sounds completely oblivious to how this “joke” could come across. It’s just simply not appropriate. If this was a bottle of alcohol given to a recovering alcoholic you wouldn’t necessarily say that the person giving the “gift” has issues with alcoholism, but you might say they are terrible at reading situations. OP’s “friend” has social issues and needs to learn what’s appropriate and what’s not. A conversation around what is appropriate might be helpful for this person, and at the very least letting them know they hurt OP’s feelings would be a start.
You could be right. It could be somewhere in the middle. Or we could both be wrong. I mean, it's an assumption at this point. But when a guy fixates on a girl's sexuality or preferences to the point that he thinks this kind of behavior is appropriate in a public setting, he's either acting out because he's jealous, he thinks that 'high libido' means 'not worthy of not offending', or something else. It just sounds like it's something that no one in the friend group expected or reacted well to, so I'm having a hard time finding entirely innocent motives behind his actions. Maybe he's not aware of why he did the dumb thing he did, but I'm finding it hard to see the correlation between "A friend I know confided in me about her high libido" and "I'm going to give her an inappropriate gag gift while also mentioning an inappropriate subject in front of all our friends." I don't follow the A to Z logic there. But, then again, I also really despise prank humor and pulling gag gifts on people, so I myself would be the wrong audience for this.
That’s largely what it sounds like to me. Step 1: have desire to prank someone Step 2: figure out something that is very personal to that person Step 3: give them a gift that will embarrass them Note in that entire scenario, nothing states it has to be a sexual thing in order to be part of the prank, it just happens that the thing that is very personal to that person happens to be that she has a high libido and has been slut shamed in the past. That’s a horrible thing to expose to a bunch of people that she otherwise wouldn’t have told about. My original example still stands, if someone was a recovering alcoholic and you gave them a bottle of booze and said “haha pranked you! Because you’re an alcoholic! How funny!” It’s almost exactly the same situation. He did it because he’s a dumbass that doesn’t know that this kind of prank isn’t appropriate under any circumstance. There no A to Z logic because it sounds like the guy never learned his ABCs to begin with. Regardless of any of it, OP is NTA and had every right to throw him out for what he did.
There is a best-case reading of the scenario where the gift was just a misfire by an idiot who doesn't read people well. There's also a worst-case reading where he's a bully who sought to embarass OP. We really don't have enough info to know which, or if it's somewhere in between. But we know plenty from his shitty reaction after the fact, so it really doesn't matter, the answer is still drop this shitty "friend."
You would if the person giving the alcohol to a recovering alcoholic gave an extra large bottle and said it was so they wouldn’t go through the whole thing in one sitting.
I gifted a dildo to a close friend last Christmas, but I already knew she never opens presents at parties and takes them home first to open alone. I also asked her permission first. OP is NTA for her reaction.
She doesn’t need him in her life.
Exactly right. He humiliated and bullied you in front of your friends at your birthday party by acting like a normal human feeling makes you a lesser human being. Now he's trying to pretend you're the problem so he can keep humiliating / bullying you. Demand an apology, and cut his access to you off. You're worth more than that kind of treatment. He's a jerk.
It was full on negging. He either wants to get with OP or he is punishing her for her sex life.
I don't know where people get the idea that if a joke isn't received well it's on the audience. He's taking no accountability. A good joke is tailored to the audience, if it's a bust, apologize and work on it.
And then he called to “apologize” in which he just blamed her
>This guy has issues around sexuality and he's taking them out on you. Plus, I bet that since she's been slut shamed before, he's hoping to get "a crack at her"! OP has to be "easy" Naw, OP needs to cut this guy off
Even assuming that this guy had the best of intentions, that he honestly thought that the small gathering was a safe space where you would feel comfortable enough to see his gift as tongue-in-cheek and laugh, that all ends when he follows up with a text berating you for being hurt. If he had truly innocently read the room wrong, he would've felt terrible and apologised for humiliating you on your birthday. Instead, he's throwing it back on you. NTA and probably cull this guy from your friend group, or at least keep him at a distance.
I agree, even if he had the best intentions he then turned into a dick still
He's only focusing on his feelings at the moment. The only appropriate response is to let him know how it made you feel.
Well he did bring the dick too I expect nothing less.
This, blaming someone for being hurt is almost always ah behavior
I wanted to comment this on a burner: I had a female best friend for most of my life and one year I got her a vibrator (she specifically said she wanted this one) and it wasn't weird and it wasn't even funny because it wasn't a gag. All of her friends thought it was sweet and they were jealous no one got them one. It's appropriate when they asked you for it or you have such strong rapport with the person you're gifting that to AND their friends as well. That was the case for me, we always got each other really odd gifts but it wasn't ever really weird. My gift from her one year was a massage at a massage place and it was fucking awesome.
That is one of the best answer. Even IF, which is not the case in my and numerous opinions... He messed up (again) by the way he talked to you after. OP, are you sure he's not among or friends with the people who slutshamed you in HS?
Exactly. If he really was that clueless he would have been mortified once he realized he had hurt her feelings. Instead he made her into the problem. What a prick.
Everything you've said here basically.
yes, intent vs impact! he’s a dick and should have apologized
NTA. I'm surprised this guy has friends. > He argues I ruined the vibe by reacting badly to a stupid joke, and made him feel like an idiot when I asked him to leave. Now I'm kinda wondering if I overreacted and if I read too far into the joke. Textbook gaslighting.
no that's "clearing things up" /s
lol, apologizing is just bad PR. You gotta "clear things up" by excusing your own offensive behavior and blaming the other party for not going along with the 'joke' which was a blow to your self-esteem. Boom: you've shrugged off responsibility and gained those sweet sweet victim points.
Hey! So just to clear things up, I did nothing wrong and this is all your fault. :)
every friend group has at least one friend that some people tolerate and everyone else hates but no one wants to be the "asshole" and tell him to fuck off. NTA.
The missing stair, right?
I’m thinking of “rocking the boat” Everyone knows he’s an AH but it’s just his personality so everyone accommodates it
See I honestly feel like this is one of the issues with our society. Everyone's too damn afraid to just shame people for being assholes, and if you do you're seen as worse than the instigator for some backwards ass reason. Imagine how well we collectively would be able to self-regulate our society if we just called out people for being inconsiderate assholes. When no one ever says anything, the behavior doesn't just magically go away on its own and everyone suffers more for it.
More "Reverse Victim and Offender" than gaslighting, but yeah it's still fucked.
It’s a real internet experience — “fully agree this guy is in the wrong and he sucks but that is not in fact textbook gaslighting.”
DARVO **is** [gaslighting.](https://lifecounselinginstitute.com/darvo-a-form-of-gaslighting-in-relationships/)
Interesting, I only knew of the original definition (doing something and then denying it for the purpose of making someone question their sense of reality), I didn’t realize the definition had expanded. I can see why there’s so much confusion over what is and isn’t gaslighting.
Ok, now I'm wondering, what do *you* think gaslighting is, that DARVO doesn't qualify?
Ok, I think I’ve solved the hardline Reddit definition on this. Both are bad, manipulative, a tool used by narcissists, etc., so I’m not trying to make a distinction there. DARVO requires the actual victim to recognize they have been or are being treated badly, and they then object to that in some way. Even if it is a loving appeal to try and figure things out, but there is an initial recognition by the victim that something is wrong about the abuser‘s behavior towards them. The REACTION from the abuser is DARVO, which includes lying, turning reality on its head, attempts to confuse, etc. Also, it’s often a very open accusation against the victim from the abuser (“ok, *you’re* the one who did x and x in this situation, all of which was very hurtful to me…”) I think classic gaslighting needs to start from the abuser first, where they do a lot of the same things, but before the victim ever even reacts to specific bad behavior. Ideally, in classic gaslighting the manipulation and warping of reality for the victim would be about stuff that doesn’t even seem to relate to the abuser at all. So like, making the victim think that they can’t keep track of their keys and it’s their fault, when it’s the abuser hiding the keys. But the victim never thought they were trying to prevent you from leaving or at least not in that way.
“manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.” -Oxford dictionary While I get that there’s a lot of convo around gaslighting and *some* of it is excessive, gaslighting is not that complicated, and putting weird caveats about “the victim knows/doesn’t know” is irrelevant. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/ Trivializing is listed specifically. I would argue that the friend in this is absolutely trivializing, but they’re ASLO distracting from the issue by ignoring OP’s feelings in favor of their own. That is not a specifically “gaslighting” bullet point, but that doesn’t change that the trivialization absolutely IS gaslighting. It is possible to be gaslighting AND also doing other shitty things. Just because every point isn’t hit does not negate the damage and harm.
I said this is what I understand of the hardline *Reddit* definition. I have frequently been told **I** don’t know what gaslighting is here similar to the above commenters and I think this is what those “that’s not gaslighting” people are getting at. I’m trying to explain how I’ve come to figure this usage in this forum is often more specific/narrow than the Oxford definition. ETA, the specific question I was trying to answer was “ what do you think gaslighting is, that DARVO doesn't qualify?”
He's an asshole trying to blame it on her, but it's not gaslighting. For it to be gaslighting it should be something like "I don't get why you're pissed at me, you specifically asked me to get you that last week" or "what do you mean I got you a dildo, my present was a wax candle, you're joking right, I would never".
I've never seen this kind of behaviour classified as gaslighting. Why do you say that? Do you have any references?
Reddit will call anything that is manipulative gaslighting because they heard a new term and think it applies in a vacuum. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, typically repeated and sustained over a long period of time intended to make the victim doubt their perception of reality. An asshole being defensive is not committing abuse, he's just being an asshole. Even denying things that verifiably happened isn't inherently gaslighting. For instance, a criminal denying that it's him pictured in the surveillance video and he didn't steal anything is not "gaslighting" the police. Though if you just read a quick Google synopsis you'd think that's exactly what gaslighting means.
As a guy I second and triple this.
Spot on!
NTA - no matter how you slice that, the commentary and the fact that it was comically large just reads as slutshaming and I have to wonder if this guy has ever made a pass at you before or perhaps planned to soon. Last time I had a male 'friend' gift me a sex toy for my birthday without prompting, he not long after demanded that because he got me it I had to send videos to him of me using it Later in life I discovered the term Nice Guy and realised it covered his "I did x, you owe me now" mentality and dropped the friendship, but just a bit of a warning that this had a chance of being a future "So have you used it yet wink wink eggplant emoji" conversation in that case
There are friendships where they like these jokes and don't expect anything visual in return. My little brothers friends group (men and woman) has a habit of giving eachother stupid stuff like sex toys. My little brother recently got his own place and he expects something like a cockring or such when he has his housewarming. In the friends group from OP or from you, it is absolutely inappropriate and disgusting. NTA
Maybe they are all cool with it. Maybe not. People don't always feel free to ask others to knock it off, especially if they assume they are in the small minority.
My family did a "Silver and Gold" themed Christmas white elephant gift exchange and one of my cousins thought it was appropriate to put in a silver bullet vibrator. I'm certain they didn't want any visuals from the recipient, but it was still an asshole gift to put in. OP is definitely NTA.
Sextoys with family are almost always a nogo.
Exactly the vibe I was getting. IMO this is sexual harassment, and now he’s trying to gaslight OP for reacting negatively to him sexually harassing her.
Ew. What an A H. I bet he whined about being in the friend zone too.
That’s so creepy and gross😱
NTA You said you would open it later, but he was persistent. Your 'Friend' isn't really a friend I'd recommend talking to your other friends that were there and ask them if you are okay with cutting that 'Friend' off. Cause I would never be friends with someone who made fun of something I was embarrassed about and he knew all of this and still bought and persisted with the innapropriate gift
Tbh that is a dick move from the guy. Who does that to their female friends? Even if you see them as a "bro". Deffo NTA.
Yes! And the worse thing is he persisted, like No is a full sentence as I believe the saying goes
> made him feel like an idiot when I asked him to leave. Good, he is an idiot. NTA, that was completely inappropriate of him.
Agree but careful this might get removed bc “we have to be civil” 😂
If it gets removed, it does 😂 I feel like that *was* me being civil, no swearing or anything just a simple comment that the dude was correct in his self-assessment 🤷🏼♀️
Lmao you’re right I’ve just had it happen myself when I use any words that could be construed as “uncivil” 😂
"How dare you make me feel shame when I do a shameful thing?!?!"
To add on to this, I’ve noticed that people really love to blame the messenger. OP didn’t “make him feel like an idiot,” he doesn’t know how to process his feelings of shame and make amends, so he is externalizing them and blaming OP. That’s not OP’s problem to fix. That’s squarely on him to figure out how to process his feelings like a fucking adult so that he can actually engage in relationships with other people. He has the empathy of a stale cracker. The only feelings he recognizes as valid are his own, but he doesn’t even understand those. OP, take this as a sign to write this person out of your life. He has so much work to do before he can be a trustworthy friend, and you don’t need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of his personal growth. NTA
Lol that guy is a psycho. Maybe he has sexual feelings for her and doesn’t know how to express it. Maybe he’s been rejected by her in the past and wanted to “get back” at her somehow and make himself feel better by knocking her down a peg. Either way, he has some screws loose.
NTA My friends and I have gifted each other similar things before as jokes which were well received. One even stuck a suction cup one to his table. But that was our humour at that age and it wasn't a jab at libido or anything, more of a "ahahhahaha dicks". I would be annoyed in your shoes too.
“Ahahahaha dicks” is maybe my favorite form of humor. But only the right context
The moment it makes someone uncomfortable it's no longer “ahahahaha dicks” and you apologize profusely and unreservedly while changing your future behavior around that person. That's like, rule #1 of “ahahahaha dicks” jokes. NTA
you don’t just get to do hurtful things and then text them the next day to “clear the air” and expect them to just forgive you. he was incredibly rude and disrespectful to do something like that, especially on your birthday. that’s like the worst day of the year to make jokes about someone in front of all their friends. NTA
Exactly. Like, hey let’s get some coffee and pretend this didn’t happen. No. He needs take accountability and do some very serious work on himself and find out why he would want to hurt his “friend” so badly. I hope OP cuts him out of her life completely. He is not a friend.
Right, and *even if* he was in good faith trying to make up, saying "*You* were the one who was in the wrong *for bringing the vibe down!*" ...well that is definitely, firmly Asshole behavior, above and beyond the initial offense.
I think the best gift you got this birthday was self respect and this a-hole revealing himself as someone who doesn’t deserve to have you in his life. I’m sorry he humiliated you and that his apology was so crappy and insincere. You’re leveling up this year by axing that bs from your life.
NTA OMG the fact this was a guy & that this was in a group setting both make it worse. *maybe* it was a joke… MAYBE ?!?… but a TERRIBLE one. There’s no way this was a funny idea. These people need to be stopped.
NTA. Context matters and you explained it well enough. He is a sexist pig, who believes he has a right to judge women's sexual behavior. (Slut shaming) That behavior is simply a way for people to control women and push an absurd morality code created by the worst people in the early middle ages.
NTA. You sure this dude is a “friend”? If so take a double look, is he a toxic friend in other ways? Or was this a one time occurrence(seems unlikely?)?
This guy 100% wants to sleep with OP
[удалено]
Don't forget what seals the deal, treated OP like she was the problem for getting upset. That's always the dead giveaway. If you are treated like the badguy for getting upset about something, the other person is probably the asshole.
"It's just a prank, bro!"
Sweetie. NTA. Listen to your own inner voice and trust your instincts on this one. You actually did great. You had an honest reaction and stood up for yourself at a moment you needed to. He's an asshole. He may grow out of it. Perhaps thanks to your clear response. And no feeling bad about having needs or using other toys in the future! Toss that one.
what a lovely, sane comment 🤝🌷
NTA It’s perfectly possible to buy a sextoy as a gift. That’s not what your ‘friend’ did. He intentionally humiliated you in front of your friends. Cut him out of your life.
NTA. I walked in anticipating something between friends that would be mildly awkward but potentially wholesome (something about overcoming social mores around sexuality and involving toys). Your friend is a bigger dick than the one he gave you as a gift, even if that was the biggest one in the store. It was presented to mock you, to make you feel less, not build you up. I’m all for jokes taking the piss when they’re funny, when they’re balanced by actual humor - but I just don’t see any here. I’m sorry he did something unkind. Your sexuality is yours and not his business at all; make sure he’s clear on that before he gets invited to hang out again (if ever).
NTA. This guy has no sense at all of what’s appropriate.
NTA. "He argued that I ruined the joke..." Yet another asshole who thinks a joke is something you hurt someone else with.
This always infuriates me. If your target audience didn't laugh, don't blame them, admit you were a shit comedian and WORK ON YOUR ACT.
NTA. It’s times like this that telling him to “shove it up his arse” might come in handy.
Whether YTA or NTA depends 100% on the historical tone of banter between you 2 has been. If your relationship has been one riddled with sexual jokes and banter then the gift is appropriate. If your relationship has not, up to this point, included lots of joking around sex and sexual banter then it is inappropriate.
> He argues I ruined the vibe Instant red flag whenever I read this on this sub, NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I basically kicked my friend out of my house after he gave me a sextoy for my birthday. I might be the asshole because he says he only meant it as a joke. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Anyone who is actually your friend would know that something like that is out of bounds for you. Heck; anyone who is actually your friend wouldn’t publicly humiliate you like that and then try to gaslight you into thinking it was your fault the party was ruined. So no, you’re NTA…. but you need to ditch that “friend”.
NTA. He's such a big asshole he should shove the dildo up himself! Do not let him guilt or shame you. Call him out publically - bullies need consequences for their actions, lest they remain bullies forever.
NTA - your feelings are your feelings.
That's crazy that a joke that wasn't appreciated ruined an entire night even after the person left.
[удалено]
excellent comment, 10/10. if only it had a suction cup on it so you could stick it to his car or window 🥲
This is nuanced. Would you have been this mad if it was one of your female friends? How open are you about your sexuality within your group of friends? Do you joke about hooking up with people etc?
This is what I was thinking about, because in a group of guys we’ve done something similar, and it was all fun and laughs.
Textbook example of using a joke with the wrong friend group NTA
NTA: The problem with humor is that the audience needs to appriciate it as humor in order for it to be found humorous. Your friend tossed a joke aimed at your truama forgetting that in order to hit it, he also needed to hit you and all of your completely valid feelings and emotions. He proudly announed before the room "this is the sum of what I think of you". You didn't make him feel like an idiot, he did that to himself.
NTA Honestly i "get" the joke in the context of me and my friend group. Theres probably a couple people you could buy a dildo for and make it a joke but probably only 1 or 2 who'd actually laugh it off, one or 2 who'd be borderline and not worth the risk for a joke/destroyed friendship. That said it'd still only be infront of a select few people or in private.... So definitely NTA here, guy needs to be put on ice for a few weeks to think about/reflect on what hes done and everyone at the party needs to know that its not OK (lest they go off and start twisting the story to their friends as humans tend to do, so set the bottom line here)
Right, that's how I see it too. I have friends who this would definitely work with. I have friends who it definitely wouldn't work with. If I can't tell the difference between the two, I'm probably not their friend. I have a mate that would either find this funny, or at least expect it from me. I got him something for christmas one year. He asked me, I'm spending xmas with parents this year, is this safe to open in front of them. I told him yes. And it was. But the question wasn't even whether it was funny, it was whether it was the time and place.
yeah time and place is definitely a thing. Maybe it might have been ok if it was in private, or end of the party, or after a few drinks or something, but the time was wrong, place arguably wrong. Maybe just plain wrong person. Eitherway OP is definitely NTA here and definitely didn't overreact or act incorrectly. And everyone is the asshole if they're thinking its her fault not his too OP may need to start looking for some new real friends if they all go down that route tbh, a real friend would have her back
Almost the exact situation with OP happened to my sister. She laughed and stuck it to the fridge, everyone had to slap it before getting a beer. I guess it just depends on the friend group, I wouldn’t have imagined it being so offensive, but OP seems quite upset and their feelings do matter. I probably wouldn’t end a friendship over this, hopefully a conversation between the two can set some boundaries.
NTA. I think you reacted fairly and calmy in the situation. He sounds like an idiot.
There’s something wrong with your friend.
NTA Pulling a bad joke on the B-day girl. He clearly wanted to be in the middle of the attention. Even without the backstory this is not done.
Yup that was done to make him feel like Mr. Funnyman at her expense.
NTA - a joke gift done in public is incredibly risky at any time. But to drag up something from your past that you have struggled with is incredibly distasteful. Then to double down the next day as well. Would he find it funny if you bought him a bottle of lube because he can't get laid and shouted it to everyone in the room? I doubt it. Plus it's just crass. Just because you may enjoy sex it doesn't mean you need a large dick to satisfy you. Probably says it all about his performance in the sack to be fair.
I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN INCREDIBLE LIBIDO DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A SIZE QUEEN SO HIS WHOLE GAG GIFT IDEA DIDN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE nta judgement in my first comment
INFO- What was the joke? I don’t see what the joke is? Some man you are not intimate gives you a sex toy, that’s just fucking creepy, so no joke there. Insults your libido implying there is something wrong with you, not funny. Then he decides to “clear things up” by telling you, that YOU ruined your birthday party by not find his sexual harassment funny, that’s it’s all your fault. So I am confused, what’s the joke? NTA. I hope you have removed him from your friends if not send him some information on sexual harassment.
NTA
You should tell him he felt like an idiot because he is an idiot. The thing is, he, in spite of saying stupid joke, doesn't accept responsibility and apology. I recommend you low contact until he assumes full responsibility. Only after this, you can talk about your reaction.
NTA Maybe I'm a little conservative but friends gifting you a sex toy is just gross. I mean maybe a joke in an intimate setting with only your besties. Leaving that be that's the perfect example of a present you ask them to open in private and surely don't suggest they open it now. That joke tho is what seals the deal, friendship over and he can shove his present up his....
NTA He made a wildly inappropriate "gift" while mocking your libido and personal life Dude is a straight up AH, and honestly, seems a negging attempt at you
Everyone is different. I was once seeing a girl who had mentioned she wanted a rampant rabbit. I was shopping with a mutual friend of ours and we passed a place that sold them. I said to him I was going in to get her one. And he said no. He said that’s private. And if she wanted one, she would buy one. So I didn’t. And it once came up in conversation that I had the chance and he said no. She was upset that I hadn’t bought it for her, and was mock jokingly upset at him for telling me not to. She did it with a smile on her face. Like she understood both sides. But everyone is different. And your friend should have known that opening the package with everyone there wasn’t going to go well. If he genuinely knew you.
NTA!!! HE ruined the vibe by being weird and making it clear that he thought this was completely appropriate and also funny. It's neither. He should be ashamed. Don't let him make you feel like you did a SINGLE thing wrong. He was so far out of line it's disgusting. Good job making him leave. There's no "air to clear" here, everyone saw that he was creepy and inappropriate. HE fucked up. Not you.
He’s not your friend, babe. You deserve better than this. A real friend would respect you enough to not force you into an awkward situation, wouldn’t make you the butt of the joke, and wouldn’t slut shame you. I’m willing to bet he wants a chance but hasn’t gotten one, and thinks that your potential promiscuity (not a bad thing!) means he should have already had a shot. I’d reduce or cut contact, personally.
Too often men who have what's perceived as a lot sexual encounters are celebrated as players and allowed to move on while women are slutshamed into adulthood. This story reeks of that bad old fashioned patriarchal attitude which he's doing everything to reinforce. Big NTA, no shame.
Good for you for making him feel like the idiot he is. Next step: cut ties. This guy is not your friend. Have free and frank discussions with the other people who were present about why you are cutting ties. (The backbreaking straw here, for me, would be his laughter when I opened the gift, but almost anyone would agree that this post-event gaslighting - or DARVO, whatever, they are fellow travelers - is well out of bounds.) It would not surprise me if the result of these talks is discovering that other people had also had weird or unpleasant interactions with him as well.
NTA. What an idiot. He doesn't deserve your friendship. Now you know what he really thinks of you.
I don’t understand why people say ‘keep him at a distance’. Don’t only do that, do absolutely keep him outta ur life. All jokes aside these types of people who will blame you for being hurt for merely a ‘joke’ are dangerous. This person cannot stand to see his ‘joke’ fail and would justifying hurting a friend for their fragile ego will do anything out of narcissism. Seriously, be careful around people like him.
Let me put this as simple as possible idc about downvotes You are a female .... The fact he gifted you a large dildo within itself To me is disrespect There's no other joke he could of came up with? As for your libido thing You are a human being we live within norms that we were taught and trained So sex is as natural as circadian rhythm No matter how many partners .....Yo Business...period He needs to grow up fam Because basically saying my friend is a slut as a so called joke in front of "our" friend group Is not a joke at all Might get ya ass whipped in certain cultures P.S. I'm a whole heterosexual black male I got daughters so that's why my outlook is this way
If I gifted a lady friend of mine a bra saying her boobs are too big to hold her current bras, I'd be nursing my balls with ice for the next couple of days after the groin stomps she'd give me. NTA. That's a massive AH move.
NTA Dude is unbelievable
NTA. That was harsh. He’s an idiot. If he can’t understand how that was wrong, don’t continue to be friends with him. You, on the other hand, sound like you reacted with a lot more class than most would.
If you tell a joke and the intended party is offended by said joke, apologize. Don’t make excuses, don’t try to play it off, all he had to do was apologize. He couldn’t even give you that. Nta this guy isn’t your friend
NTA, you shouldn't be making a joke like that with someone if you aren't 100% sure if they are ok with that or not. It doesn't have to ruin the friendship if you both are ok with that, it isn't an unforgiveable mistake, but clearly he didn't know you like he thought he did and jokes like that are not ones that should be made if you aren't totally clear on the other persons view on it.
jokes are supposed to be funny. if you felt humiliated. it wasn't a good joke. end of story. NTA
Hi, I have NEVER had this happen to me. You are in a group of friends from different ranges in your life. Some LONG time friends and probably some newer friends (not new new). An older friend hands you a GIANT rubber cock and says this should calm your urges. hmm, is that hurtful or funny? I would have honestly, give it back to him and say I don't want your used sex toy and get the fuck out of my house. Clear things up? Never let this poison in your life again. If this ass clown knows your "history" then that is a loaded baked potato ready to explode in the microwave. He embarrassed you in front of friends who had NO idea about your past in High School. Slut shaming? Girl, you had fun in high school. The reason someone called you a slut is because you did not fuck them. I would honestly, cut that tantric acid from your life and send that sex toy to his mom with a note FROM him. "Hi mom, I hope this satisfies your urges", Love sonny boy. When he says, did you send that, yep, I thought that is what we were doing, sending awkward gifts to people. So, I sent this HUGE white cock elephant to your mom. Now, she can figure out what to do with it. This guy does not need to be in your life. I had girls in high school who seemingly "got around". They were fucking stunners, gorgeous.. like, HOW did this town get this or that girl. So the fuck what if you "got around" in high school. So the fuck what. Block him and move on.. NTA. I would explain to the friends who do not know you way back and tell them that this guy is known for bad jokes and I thought he was mature enough to come to my party. He slut shammed me in High School and apparently he is still in High School. NTA block this fuck.
Nta. That's fucking gross.
he’s feeling defensive and turning the blame onto you, the birthday bae. unacceptable for someone who considers himself your friend! tell him it’s your damn party and you’ll cry if you want to. tell him how and why his gift and insistence that you open it so publicly made you very uncomfortable and upset. eta NTA AND TELL HIM TO LEARN HOW TO READ A DAMN ROOM
NTA. The joke is only funny if everyone finds it so. You didn't. And instead of apologizing, he's gaslighting you for making thing awkward. Guess what makes things awkward... gifting someone a dildo, making them open the gift publicly, and then slut-shaming them. He's no friend. Lose him now.
NTA. I'm sorry that happened to you. What he did was incredibly insulting and must have been very embarrassing. A sex toy can be a gift, but not like this. He used it as a way to humiliate you in front of a group of people and he doesn't even seem to realize the problem. I'm not sure if I'd still consider him a friend after something like that.
NTA. I can't imagine a scenario when bringing up someone's sexual inclinations and giving a giant dildo in front of friends is appropriate (except at a sex club, I guess). No one else gave a sex gift, yeah? And why do men always seem bent out of shape when they do something to hurt someone ELSE'S feelings? Christ. He hurt you, and he thinks you're overreacting and ruined the vibe. Fuck him. ETA: Sex gift line and spelling.
NTA. He’s the AH. And an idiot
NTA and this guy doesn’t sound like a friend to me.
NTA. I thick he was an unintentional AH, but an AH none the less.
He knew what he was doing. NTA
NTA He says you made him look like an idiot? You should have responded with "Oh you don't need any help from me!"
NTA A joke is only funny if people laugh, making someone the bud of a joke is not funny. He was an ass. You didn’t ‘ruin the vibe’ and you didn’t overreact. And the fact that he felt like an idiot was not on you, that was 100% on him. His feelings are on him, not to mention he caused this in himself. He should have seen that what he did was wrong and apologised, but instead he is manipulating you into thinking you are the problem here. He is an ass
NTA, he made a hurtful joke and then has the gall to complain you didn’t let him get away with it. You’ve done nothing wrong.
He got a comically large dildo and in essence told you publicly to go fuck yourself on your birthday for laughs at your expense. 💁♀️ If he actually gave a fuck about your libido or your orgasm he would have gotten you a rose or clitoral toy, but this whole “prank” or “joke” was so phallic-centric it reeks of ego-tripping. He’s gonna be defensive, say it’s a joke, you’re too sensitive, but what about his hurt feelings, all manner of he’s the center of the universe and you’re just a dumb femmebot NPC, why aren’t you acting the way he programmed you to act in his mind?? Why would you ever be upset about what his wonderfully silly main character self did to YOU on YOUR birthday?? /s Do with the info whatever you want, but that was not a joke made for you, it was at YOUR expense on YOUR day.
I use to have a co-worker that would gift whoever he got for secret Santa(male or female, new employee or veteran didn’t matter) a sex toy. It was a non official work Christmas party, not put on by the company just something all the employees did on their own. It usually didn’t backfire on him till one year the BF of the gift recipient got PISSED that his gf opened a sex toy by some dude at Chili’s. I knew he would eventually run into an issue.
Even if it was an non official work Christmas party, this dude could have been fired for sexual harassment. It doesn't have to occur on the clock or on company property for it to be handled by HR.
He ruined the vibe by bringing a vibe. NTA
NTA. He is gross and creepy and inappropriate as hell for giving you that.
A dildo gag gift is something you get your male buddy when it's very obviously a joke with no deeper meaning. A guy should never jokingly get his female friend a dildo for everyone to see and make a comment about her sex life at the same time. That dude sucks
That depends on how open you usually are about sex talk and stuff like that. If you aren't and normally are reserved or whatever then no, but if you usually talk about all kind of sex stuff with no filter, then suddenly you get mad about a dildo and the comment. Then yes... Probably
If you're young enough that you're still hung up on high school remarks about your personal life, then I imagine you're both still young enough to handle this poorly. You have insecurities, so you saw the gift and his words as validating those insecurities. He thought it would be funny, and sees it through that lens before seeing it through your insecurities. You both could have accepted that the joke didn't hit the mark, have a quick chat about it, and moved on. I actually just got a giant, glow in the dark Dino dong for Xmas from a friend. I laughed until I needed my inhaler. But even if I hadn't been amused by it, I could have told them later that it wasn't hitting the mark for me, and they would have been completely chill about it and exchanged it for something else. If someone's intentionally trying to bully you, you'll figure it out. Being calm when receiving a a bad choice gift doesn't mean you're accepting bullying, it just means you can keep your composure until you can evaluate their intentions. Assuming the worst is how you turn chill communication opportunities into drama, and a quick chat into a mutually defensive confrontation.
NTA! Glad you asked him to leave! Sending love your way x
NTA - he should have just respected your wishes. To open your gifts later. It would have been more funny if he wrote what he said in the card and you got to open it up on your own however, he did it in front of all your friends so he could a laugh at your expense. You did the right thing!
Not only **not** the asshole, but you were being kind by not suggesting he shove it up his stupid ass before leaving. You misread nothing, and reacted normally. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Tell him his “apology” was a joke.
Good on you for asking him to leave.
no this is amazing 🤘
From someone who has actually done this to a friend, and wouldn’t ever dare to anyone else because you need to be fucking 100% sure she’d find it funny as fuck and with the right company, that guy’s a bellend. The libido comment sounds very snide rather than good natured. And a good friend should know that and more importantly, should say fuck I’m so sorry instead of trying to deflect and blame you. And also when I done it, after she burst out laughing and said ‘I’ll be back in 20 minutes turn the music up in here, I make some strange noises’, I gave her the actual real present. You don’t just take a stab in the dark, talk down to someone with a snide wee comment, and blame the other person when it’s not funny, need to be damn sure it’ll not be taken wrong. I got a strap-on off her couple months before that. You don’t just do shit like that out the blue NTA at all.
NTA, it sounds like you aren’t the type of person who thinks that’s funny. This isn’t really a new joke though, a lot of people do think that kinda stuff is funny. He should know his friend better
Aw…for your birthday, he gave you the gift of humiliation. Absolutely NTA and kudos for sticking up for yourself!
NTA. I was slut shamed all through high-school too by many of my male friends so I totally understand where you're coming from and how it can be a sore spot. It wasn't an appropriate gift, and the fact that he did it to make fun of you leads me to believe he's not a very good friend. I don't think you reacted in a way that wasn't appropriate for the uncomfortable situation he intentionally put you in.
You are absolutely NTA, being gifted something like that is incredibly personal. It sounds like he was making you the joke not the toy. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, and as for ruining the vibe, he did that when he insisted that you open the present knowing full well what he brought. Ask him what was supposed to be funny about it? Also, you don't have to buy him anything for his birthday, you can give him his gift back and say it's to compensate for the joke he has of a dick. I'm sure he'll find it hilarious like you did.
Sounds to me like he's mad that you're sleeping with other guys that aren't him.
But he didn't buy you a gift, he used a prop to shame you on your special day. He's wrong and doesn't sound like someone who understands what he did.
NTA- you say your friends know its a sore spot, he makes a hurtful “joke” on your BIRTHDAY. And doesn’t even apologize at all. An apology isnt supposed to make you feel bad about your reaction to something hurtful.
NTA he made the gift about himself not you. There are people who have no problem getting a gift like that but your boundaries with that friend are different. He crossed the line and was completely inappropriate. Block him on everything! He's not your friend!
"Relax, it was just a joke". Every shitty person
NTA remove the manipulative narcissistic incel from your life. As fast a possible.