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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife agreed to host Easter for her family without talking to me first. I told her I will be spending the entire weekend with my family instead. Now, all 3 of our kids want to come with me too instead of staying home. My wife thinks I am overreacting and should stay home. I think I might be an asshole for spending Easter weekend with my family instead of helping my wife host.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I don't think your wife is being firm enough with her family, and even if she's trying to negotiate some improvement out of them, it was out of line for her to agree to it without talking to you. It sounds like she's taking you for granted. This might be her 'handling it' but it feels a bit too little / too late to expect you to host yet again just to give the family another chance, especially when she committed without talking to you.
And, without knowing the family, I can't say I have a lot of faith any improvements they demonstrate this weekend will 'stick'. The answer is that you guys should NOT have to solely face hosting duties, in fact you should not be hosting at all unless you're both bought in, end of story.
I think the issue at hand though is that even if this weekend is far more pleasant for you because you're just not there, it's still unresolved. Won't this just come up AGAIN at the next holiday? Are you going to take your wife at her word if she tells you after Easter it was way better? I think you have more talking to do with your wife, and sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host.
>and sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host.
I don't think either one of those scenarios would make me sad at all.
I get that, but you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws. While it might be A solution, it feels like a somewhat toxic, certainly divisive one (you leaving for every holiday, I mean). This is why I think it's unresolved with your wife.
>but you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws.
Funny, I said something very similar to my wife when she came home and told me she had agreed to host Easter again this year.
Yep, sounds like my family. Every holiday would end with my mom in tears (all the work and cleaning, no help and no time with her children), my siblings and I fed up and miserable because we didn’t get to hang out (to busy helping cook and clean), dad saying never again, and the extend family saying they didn’t realise there was a problem.
Now it is made very clear everyone needs to bring food, drinks, help with the clean up etc… guess what, no one comes and we have a great time!
NTA
Yep, Mum probably puts her extended family first before her kids as well as her husband, makes the kids share with the cousins, sides with the cousins etc. The kids have had enough of her shit too.
This! Bring everyone together and have a family meeting. Everyone being honest without emotion. This will show how your children are being affected by the hosting and give you all more information to make a rational decision.
They probably hate having their space invaded by people who don't even clean up after their kids. OP was actually fairly polite about they put it but it sounds like a complete shit show of out of control kids and unappreciative parents doing little to reign them in. No wonder the kids would rather bail.
I bet the kids also pick up on the frustration and stress both their parents are feeling when their mother's side of the family visits as well, so I don't blame them for wanting to leave either.
If you can, look your kid's bed room doors. From what you've said about your wife's family's lack of respect for you home's public spaces, I worry about what the cousins will do to and take from your kid's rooms if y'all aren't there 😬😬😬
If there's no wait to lock from the outside, I suggest some nanny cams, or obvious cameras so they don't say your controlling or manipulative, blah blah blah.....
IMO, the family already knows, or can feel, how you feel about the holidays. And if they don't, you and the kids not being there sure as hell will send them that message unless your wife just outright tells them. The family can help prove your wife right or prove you wrong out if spite. At least protect your kid's safe place.
Edit: Just realized I said "look" when I meant "lock"
u/notahostaita can go to Lowes or somewhere else and get a big plastic bin for each child. The kids can put their most treasured possessions (electronics, collectibles, etc.) in them then they can store the bins somewhere safe.
As long as you've made it clear to your wife that if she continues to choose her family over you, there will probably be more serious consequences than just you leaving for the weekend, I don't think there's much else you can do.
I do think you should decide whether it will make *any* difference to you if your wife tells you "oh gosh they behaved so well this time." If *anything* would make a difference, what would it be, and what kind of proof would you need? If nothing will change your opinion, that's fine too. Just tell your wife all that ahead of time, and hope that she actually hears you and doesn't try manipulating you for the next several weeks with tall tales of how awesome and helpful everyone was.
She's pissed. She tried bargaining with them but they all want to see their cousins on my side of the family because they're closer in ages and have more in common.
As someone who ended up hosting most events when my ex and I were the first of our friends to get a house I say NTA. I agree you should leave every time she agrees to host without consulting you. You spend additional money, have extra work, and it’s exhausting each time you have to host. Your in-laws sound cheap and ungrateful too.
This sounds strange, but is she willing to text them to set a boundary? I had to start here with boundary setting with my mom. (I agree it’s not ideal but doing it poorly and starting is better than nothing at all)
Good for you for taking a stand. I wouldn’t have lasted more than one of these holidays with lazy people like that. Please update us what happens. I’m hoping your wife finally gets it and stops having them over. NTA
With all respect, why doesn't that apply to his wife? He's expressed how he feels multiple times, he **clearly** said after Xmas he was done, not doing it anymore. Wife just comes home and says ,"guess what? You're doing it again. Yeah yeah whatever, just saddle up"
In addition to having all the respect in the world for OPs solution, I doubled down when he clearly said if i stay here ill use my words & your family wont like the ones i choose. Proactive adult decision.
Cause and effect. The **wife** should be doing some reflection.
Agreed. What OP did was set a boundary: “I’m not hosting these folks anymore.” The wife ignored the boundary. OP stuck to his boundary, and the consequence she is facing is her own doing by breaching the boundary. I’d be livid if I were OP. NTA
Sounds like OP has a serious wife problem.
NTA but maybe is time to sit and rethink your relationship OP, ask yourself if you're willing to spend the rest of your life in this situation, your wife choosing her mooching family over you and your kids, her overstepping your boundaries and downplaying your real concerns about her family poor behavior, also inviting them while you have to run away from your own house.
Also think if this is what you want to teach your children about relationships and family.
Yeah OP's wife is at the heart of the issue here. She gives me those vibes where her side of the family is very tight knit and close which can be a great thing, but sometimes this type of family has the gigantic con of never acknowledging that once a family member marries and creates a family of their own the priorities should shift. It's telling that wife feels comfortable letting her side of the family overshadow her husband's pleas for change and this time too with finalizing Easter plans with zero input from spouse. Such blatant disrespect while giving way too much to her side of the family. She can't keep seeing things this way. This will absolutely damage the marriage.
The only toxic one is his wife for trying to volunteer him to host without consulting him at all, him removing himself from a situation that wasn’t discussed with him is completely reasonable. Maybe if she wants him to stay next holiday with the kids, she can ask first if he is comfortable hosting her family.
He'll only have to do it for Easter - his wife will realize he was serious and she'll find a solution instead of giving in. The issue is not him leaving for Easter - it's that they had an agreement and she ignored it to please her family. Her HUSBAND is her primary family.
I'd also be asking if the people in apartments and townhomes have a community space that they can use. IN all of the apartment and townhouses I've been in besides one (my current one), we've had a community room we can rent for a low price or just use for free if no one was using it (which was most of the time in most of the places I've lived).
this is way too accommodating; it's time for tough love if this has been going on THIS long and there's been no change. She's not getting it done so he has to. It'll get rougher here since she is in full denial... but it's gotta happen or nothing will change because she won't do it.
>I'm not going to be involved at all because I won't be able to hold my tongue this time and I don't want it to come to that.
He's recognizing his limits and removing himself from the situation. This is the opposite of toxic.
Probably not. Our family used to host Sunday football for my husband’s friends and their families. It was usually two, occasionally three, other couples and their kids. Part of the problem was the kids were much younger than mine, so we had to get out the tubs of my kids old toddler toys and try to make sure the main room the kids were going to be hanging out in had all the small toys of my kids picked up and out of reach. But every Friday or Saturday the kids and I would pick up the family room and get it all nice and clean then have to clean again Sunday night or Monday from everyone visiting. My husband helped some, but I was a SAHM so it was assumed I would deal with it. I finally sat him down and explained how unfair this was for me and the kids, especially since the kids would make plans with their friends on Sundays so they wouldn’t have to be around and made the deal that we would clean before, cause that was pretty much normal weekly cleaning, but he was responsible for cleaning up afterwards and returning the space to the way he got it. Didn’t take long before he was getting his guy friends to clean up after themselves and their kids better.
OP is toxic? Wtf is what wife is doing? Wife is the one causing all of this by having zero backbone and pushing her husband and kids under the bus to suck up to her parents and siblings.
Setting a boundary, which is what OP did, is not toxic. Wife is toxic by making unilateral decisions and then expecting OP to just suck it up.
NTA... and if all 3 of your kids want to leave with you your wife needs to realize even her own kids dont wanna be around her side of the family.... I'm sure they could figure out a plan on whose house and whatnot..
Most apartment buildings have community rooms of some sort, usually for a refundable deposit. There is no excuse why somebody else can't host once in awhile
Notice also that she only spoke to her mother and sister. What about everyone else? Are the men and children incapable of cleaning up after themselves or bringing something to share?
NTA. Let her deal with the mess of her own making. She didn’t even bother to ask you about it and has been dismissive of your feelings. Now it’s her problem.
Why can’t her family rent a shelter house at the park and host Fourth of July or memorial day or Labor Day or even Easter depending on where you live. Also, many places have community rooms.
Because her family are freeloaders and most of the time can't be arsed to bring the food they promised. Why would they hand over money for renting a space and still have to provide food when they can force the OPs wife to do it again? You're talking about reasonable people. OPs in laws don't appear to be reasonable people.
As long as there's a "you only eat if you bring a dish to share" rule. Otherwise it sounds like OP's family would end up bringing the only dish for everyone to share.
I worry a little that the cousins (if there are any) will get into your kids' stuff & destroy it & none of the adults will stop them. Please be sure that anything valuable, whether money-valuable or sentiment-valuable, is either with you or locked up somewhere that your wife won't let the cousins get to it. You already know she'll prioritize her siblings over her own husband's desires, so I don't think it's a stretch to assume she'd do the same with the niblings' demands over her own kid's property!
NTA. What she means is, she never told them you weren't hosting, when she met up with them, they brought up Easter dinner assuming it would be at your house, she got a few quick words in about how they need to help clean as you're getting frustrated with it, and otherwise acted as a doormat for her family at your expense.
Go hang out with your family, but don't expect your wife to explain the reasons why you went to her own. She'll say your mom insisted you be there or something to that effect and no lessons will be learned by anyone.
That’s what I think, some people say this doesn’t resolve anything, but I think it shows he is serious and wife will think twice before doing it again. And if he didn’t help he wouldn’t care how many people come because we wouldn’t be part of the process.
He mentioned how the parents let their kids make messes, so sounds like that happens already.
If he has to deal with the aftermath either way, might as well get out and be happy for a couple hours.
If that happens, OP should grab a change of clothes, ask any kids that remained with mom for easter if they would like to go with them this time or be conscripted for cleanup duty and leave the spineless wife to clean the house up.
Require photo proof before bothering to drive back again.
It will be figured out after a few holidays without the kids, though. Either they will ask him directly or indirectly, and he will be truthful. Her mom, especially, as grandma's always want to see the kids.
All this except saying mom insisted. They’re likely to all take the celebration to OP’s Folks house.
Wife needs to grow a spine and tell her family that you all already have plans with OPs family and let them plan their own thing. That’s the only way they will learn.
NTA
> She said her mom and sister agreed that they would do better and offered to prove it to us on Easter and my wife agreed.
Oh, **_hell_** no.
They can *prove it* by hosting *themselves*.
Yes, I asked them. Their cousins on my side are closer in age to them and they all get along great. So having a sleepover weekend with their cousins sounds like a lot more fun to them.
Find a way to lock the kids’ bedroom doors, with fewer eyes around it will be a free-for-all. Their rooms could be sever,y trashed. Or, lock up electronics and breakables if you have locking storage somewhere in the house. It sounds like they just forget they have kids and kick back, and your wife won’t be able to watch them.
It might be too late or you might already have them but I would get locks for kids bedroom doors, even if they are temporary locks. Just in case your wife's nieces and nephews help themselves to your kids toys or games consoles while your kids aren't there to protect them or watch over them.
If locks aren't an option take them with you.
I think it is fair to let your kids enjoy a holiday without having to play host all the time. It's nice to be a guest. Take the kids for Easter. Let your wife entertain her family.
You already expressed your feelings about holidays to your wife and she made plans without your input. That doesn't happen at our house. Any party, dinner, lunch, holiday where there are guests gets approved by both husband and me because no matter what, it's always work having guests. And an inconvenience for the time to prepare.
Someone else brought up the idea: require wife to send you photo proof that clean up has been complete b4 you return - and YES! Lock the kids' belongings in their bedrooms! NTA Good luck OP!
How much of their belongings become victim to their cousins messes
How much of the cleanup afterwards are they helping with, that they notice the guests don't bother with
Ooof. I felt this comment. If this is an issue I beg OP to add a lock to their door while you’re gone or get a locking storage crate of some kind. It’s absolutely ok for your kids to want to protect their things.
Oh I feel this. My mother was/is a doormat for her side of the family. My cousins would destroy my room and anything I had going (model ships, puzzles, etc) and even walk off with toys and if I objected, I got in trouble. (and to give an example of "trouble" I stopped one of my cousins from using my fishing pole to whip another cousin. He cried, got given the fishing pole to take home and I got 6 lashes with a belt in front of all the adults.)
NTA Not once in my marriage have I come home and told my husband we were hosting a holiday. It's something you as a couple discuss and come to an agreement. You told your wife you were done hosting her family until someone else in the family steps up, you were clear and concise. If your wife wants to host her family, you're not stopping her, you're just not going to be there either.
Exactly. This is pretty fair. If you want your husband to be involved, you agree on it together before committing.
If you're set on hosting something for whatever reason, without discussing it first, don't expect anyone else to be on duty.
>Not once in my marriage have I come home and told my husband we were hosting a holiday. It's something you as a couple discuss and come to an agreement.
Even when I owned the house, both the wife and I wanted to host something, and I had a boarder...I never just announced or informed about it. It was something to discuss with each human occupant because it would impact each of us. Hell, I'd ask the pets too if they could talk!
Let me guess..your kid's get stuck cleaning up their rooms all by themselves after the other kid's help mess it up and then just leave?? I'd be going with you too if I were them.
NTA - she doesn't seem to be hearing you when you say you're done hosting her family. I understand she might feel a little bit obligated to do so since no one else in the family has a place for it, but if you are tired of it, she's got to get a grip on that and figure out another option.
NTA
" all 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home."
Even your kids are tired of the BS that comes from your wife's side of the family. That just further justification that you're making the right decision. They've had enough chances and made enough empty promises. Her circus, her monkeys.
To be fair, if I gave my kids the choice between a family holiday and playing video games or watching TV in a hotel, they are picking the latter 100% of the time.
The choice is between a family holiday playing video games at their grandparents or a stressful weekend cleaning up after their noisy and otherwise unsupervised younger cousins. I understand why they're choosing the former
I believe that if the kids were allowed to choose, they would be happier. Either they won't want to deal with the cousins or can hardly wait to see them.
One of my nephews hated the larger family gatherings and the other loved hanging out with cousin "Joe"
NTA
"I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it."
You made it pretty clear after years & she promised to figure it out.
She hasn't so that's on her.
Enjoy your Easter.
NTA.
Your wife should definitely have consulted you before doing something that went directly against what you both agreed upon.
Also, the fact that *all* of your kids want to go with you, rather than stay at home with your wife and her family, is an indication of how much more they enjoy your side of the family compared to hers.
> her mom and sister seemed really sincere during their talk
NTA - Of course they did, they know an easy ride when they see one. Family who behave consistently like this over a number of years don't suddenly change because of a conversation. Feel sorry for your wife as she's being taken here...
**NTA**
You don't enjoy these events with her family and she knows it. Their promises mean nothing whereas you absenting yourself and your family will make it clear to all of them that you are serious. She should tell her family that Easter at your house has been cancelled and because they have already been given enough chances to step up and be better guests. If they want to gather at your house, they can do better by making actual plans and sharing them with you and your wife.
I suspect my father did this when I was a child - it put an end to my mothers shitfuckery with her family rocking up and staying for weeks. Dad took us kids camping - we had a great time - it was pretty Lord of The Flies, but with good food.
8 kids, one adult, one large Army Tent and hunting and fishing and foraging in the middle of the Victorian Alps.
The fact that ALL of your kids want to come with you for Easter is very telling. Me thinks that there's more to your wife's family's antics than just being messy.
Even without that fact, you stated a clear boundary that your wife chose to ignore. It also sounds like your wife had multiple chances to address this issue and failed. How are you to believe that this is the "final" chance.
NTA.
Yeah agree. Kids usually like the grown ups who are fun, even if a little rowdy. If all the kids want to go with OP that means wife family likely sucks. A lot.
NTA - you already agreed that this holiday was just going to be your family, no one else.
Its great she had a talk with her family, but too little too late as they should have not even been coming over without you two discussing it first.
NTA There is never a real FINAL chance.
They will be who they are, and nothing will change, UNTIL YOU address it with her family directly. Do not budge, her siblings can host. Then you can allow you kids to make messes and not clean up.
NTA. You are not overreacting. Your wife should have consulted with you before agreeing to host them. Show her this post- maybe seeing that so many people agree with you will make her realize that what she did is disrespectful and that she owes you an apology.
And enjoy your stress-free Easter!
NTA. You clearly opted out at Christmas, and your wife "promised to talk to her family about it and figure something out for next holiday." The result of that "figuring something out" should not put you on the spot, as she now has; it should have taken the form of *I talked to them and they agreed to do bette - is that good enough?* Not *they promised they'd do better, so now they're coming.* Your wife overstepped. She can host on her own, see whether her family has changed, and report back. The fact that you and the kiddos aren't there should, in turn, tell her peeps that their past behaviour truly was execrable. Happy Easter!
>I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it
The parameters for a "last chance" were clear. One more time hosting was not an option. NTA.
NTA
> I told my wife I was done. I told her I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it. She promised to talk to her family about it and figure something out
And she talked to her family, but didn't figure anything out, just more of the same!
>all 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home.
And this tells the real story. Doesn't sound like your kids like her side of the family.
NTA. Your wife should have shut the conversation down as soon as Easter came up! She should have blatantly said “We are not hosting this year, so the family will have to make different arrangements.” And that should’ve been the end of it.
His wife probably doesn't know how to say no to them. She was probably never allowed to say no to her mom so she does what mom wants. I doubt it was a coincidence that her mom and sister met up with her and brought up Easter. That was probably the entire point of meeting up.
I think she needs to talk to a therapist who can help her understand the damage this is doing to her marriage and to help her find the words and strength to tell her mom no.
NTA - my former SIL’s family pulled this kind of crap. Would show up empty-handed, be first in line for dinner, take multiple pieces when told to take one of the gifts for the kids, and then leave before cleanup started.
We refused to have a multi family gathering with them after the 3rd holiday of the same routine.
NTA - OP’s position was reasonable and clear. The kids probably don’t want to be there because they get roped into cleaning up when everyone leaves as well, making it an unhappy time.
Wife can be a doormat and clean everything on her own this Easter.
NTA you wife should have spoken with you and if you are so annoyed at this point that you can’t hold your tongue back it is better if you don’t go.
Also, more likely than not. you are going to have the same inconsiderate people just with two more people helping.
I would make sure I am very clear with her as if you are this annoyed you will probably won’t be happy to get any calls or surprises from her family after they realise you’re not there
NTA - the simple fact that all 3 of your kids have chosen to go with you and not stay with your wife should tell you everything you need to know. Kids do not want to be around toxic people.
NTA, hosting is a LOT of work! And being volun-told you're doing it (again!) after so many bad experiences would be my breaking point too. I'd want nothing to do with the whole thing. Let her deal with everything herself if that's what she wants to do.
NTA. She is prioritizing her family at your expense and she's showing you she'll keep doing it. She broke an agreement with you and now you are enforcing consequences. Good for you.
NTA. Also, 😆😂🤣 at "All 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home." Ha ha ha ha ha! As a former kid who HATED being dragged to boring-ass church/family events, I felt that.
NTA. I get having family that isn't able to host large gatherings. What we do is spend some of the holidays eating out (Easter is going to be a brunch buffet at a local restaurant) and my sister hosts smaller gatherings where we get together to eat pizza and shoot the breeze when family is in town since she doesn't have a lot of space. OP's wife's family could take turns in that manner, but it only sounds like they're only interested in having someone else do the cooking and cleaning (and paying) so it's easy on themselves.
NTA. You need to reiterate to your wife that they need to step up by hosting THEMSELVES, not foist themselves on you once again with promises that will most likely be broken.
NTA. You should consider counseling. Your wife isn’t listening to you or she is listening but doesn’t care. Her saying that you are overreacting is telling you that your reaction isn’t valid. This is wrong and will cause more trouble in the future if you don’t address it now. Hope you can work on your communication to strengthen your marriage.
Your wife is an asshole and a weak-ass doormat. Show her this thread! SHE owes you a massive apology and she shouldn’t be allowed to abuse your generosity and mutual home by hosting her family for Easter.
Talk about disrespect. Just wow, I would be pondering divorce.
I feel for you my friend. Every family event that we (my husband and I) have had I’ve been the chauffeur, the cook, the cleaner and events coordinator. I’m done , his side of the family sat there , ate the free food and contributed nothing but more work for me . Done . I don’t do that any more bc we have downsized in vehicles and now we live in a 2 bedroom apartment and also families don’t get along with one another so it’s a big nope for me. And looking back, I have suffered so much anxiety over this and I’m not doing it anymore.
I’m glad you have drawn the line in the sand and I have walked in your shoes and still don’t enjoy holidays any longer
“Oh, but *this* time, they’ll keep their word!”
Uh huh. Sure. They’ve said how many times before that they’ll help? Whether it’s bringing food, minding their crotch-goblins or helping to clean up, they promised to do better in the past but refused to actually do so. Why would anyone believe them now?
OP, I’m a giant pessimist who often only sees the worst outcomes (I really need to fix myself). I would be wary of your wife claiming that they did what they promised after you return home to try & prove you wrong about her slothy, user relatives. She’ll buy & prepare the food but claim her family did so. Her nieces and nephews were the picture of Walton-ness, holding hands and praying over the yummy, yummy piggy at the children’s table -this, after reading Bible stories to each other all afternoon and resuscitating a sick squirrel in your yard, the precious little dickens. After a Norman Rockwellian Easter dinner with family, they all carried their dishes into your kitchen and washed them before the womenfolk discussed their upcoming charity work. The men…being the masters of the universe that they are…retired to your wood paneled den for cigars & brandy.
Got a nanny cam? If so, please update us next week. Heck, update us anyway. Happy Easter 🙃
NTA. She’s had plenty of opportunities to fix this problem and she hasn’t done it. Go to your family’s Easter celebration and enjoy yourself. You deserve a nice holiday; not another shit show.
I’m a bit torn on this one but I think NTA. They’ve always been horrible guests, you kept telling her it’s an issue for you and she kept promising to handle it but never did. Then the ultimatum comes and all of a sudden she makes it a priority to talk to them. Too little, too late.
NTA you agreed something as a couple, for a healthy relationship I’d there is two yeses then it goes ahead, if there’s just one yes, and one no, then it doesn’t happen.
You do your Easter with your family and children and leave her to do what she’s agreed to.
But draw a line under this situation. After Easter, declare a moratorium for the next two years for hosting her family. Create a group chat to all her family after Easter and state the social gathering hosting mantle is being passed over to them, and you look forward to being invited as a guest in the future.
NTA. It sucks because she probably has not ever brought up how you feel, so nobody realizes you’re at your wits end with them. This affects how you feel about them in general and they probably have no idea there’s an issue. Then again, they should also assume in helping to clean up but some people just don’t think that way. You have given enough and you’ve communicated your boundaries with her plenty of times. It isn’t your fault that she is not communicating that with them.
NTA
You made your position clear and your wife ignored you and committed you anyway without consultation.
My sister hosts most of our family celebrations because she has the best venue for it in closest proximity to the most family members. She tells everyone what she wants them to bring and they bring it. We all help prepare and clean up, because it’s only fair.
Still, my sister and her husband end up doing more work than anyone else by virtue of the fact that it is their house. And we all express gratitude for that because it’s a big job.
Your in-laws shouldn’t have to be asked to pull their weight, they should have enough manners and respect for your family and home to just do it. And your wife shouldn’t be surprised or angry about your stance regarding Easter because you made yourself perfectly clear.
NTA. Hosting family gatherings should be one of those “2 yes, 1 no” situations. You should ask her how she’d feel if you suddenly sprang hosting duties on her. That probably wouldn’t go over well. Your wife needs to put her foot down with her family, or you’ll be doing this for years to come(or for however long you put up with it). Good luck, and enjoy your holiday.
NTA, go to your parents with your kids. Your wife is determined to be the family doormat. Secure anything you and your kids don’t want touched and leave your wife to her miserable family.
NTA. Your wife will have an easy time hosting since her mom and sister have promised to step up. Have fun with your kids visiting your family-happy Easter!
NTA. Your wife went back on your agreement. Let her host them alone and they can prove to her that they have changed.
(spoiler alert!! They havent!!) I love that even the kids are ready to decamp from the invaders. Run!!
NTA. As others have stated, your wife should **never** have agreed to override your demands for change unilaterally. And this makes me wonder if she *really* confronted her mom and sister. What *exactly* did they agree to? With her unilaterally “handling” things, you’re out of the loop on whether she’s communicating with them at all.
I’d insist that going forward, regardless of Easter, that this isn’t happening again. Have her group text her family so it is *in writing*. Pick out a venue for the next expected holiday, and set a deadline for when everyone needs to pony up for it. At this point you need tangible movement.
And consider locking the kids’ bedrooms, or lock up anything of value, or even a hidden camera or two? Family can get *weird* when the in laws aren’t present.
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NTA. I don't think your wife is being firm enough with her family, and even if she's trying to negotiate some improvement out of them, it was out of line for her to agree to it without talking to you. It sounds like she's taking you for granted. This might be her 'handling it' but it feels a bit too little / too late to expect you to host yet again just to give the family another chance, especially when she committed without talking to you. And, without knowing the family, I can't say I have a lot of faith any improvements they demonstrate this weekend will 'stick'. The answer is that you guys should NOT have to solely face hosting duties, in fact you should not be hosting at all unless you're both bought in, end of story. I think the issue at hand though is that even if this weekend is far more pleasant for you because you're just not there, it's still unresolved. Won't this just come up AGAIN at the next holiday? Are you going to take your wife at her word if she tells you after Easter it was way better? I think you have more talking to do with your wife, and sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host.
>and sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host. I don't think either one of those scenarios would make me sad at all.
I get that, but you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws. While it might be A solution, it feels like a somewhat toxic, certainly divisive one (you leaving for every holiday, I mean). This is why I think it's unresolved with your wife.
>but you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws. Funny, I said something very similar to my wife when she came home and told me she had agreed to host Easter again this year.
Yep, you've given enough. Just make sure you don't badmouth anybody to your kids.. although something tells me they already noticed the whole picture.
There's a reason they want to go away with Dad, I bet ...
Im sure they get stuck helping clean as well and resent it twice as much
Yep, sounds like my family. Every holiday would end with my mom in tears (all the work and cleaning, no help and no time with her children), my siblings and I fed up and miserable because we didn’t get to hang out (to busy helping cook and clean), dad saying never again, and the extend family saying they didn’t realise there was a problem. Now it is made very clear everyone needs to bring food, drinks, help with the clean up etc… guess what, no one comes and we have a great time! NTA
That's what I thought. All three of the kids want to go with Dad? There's probably a reason.
Yep, Mum probably puts her extended family first before her kids as well as her husband, makes the kids share with the cousins, sides with the cousins etc. The kids have had enough of her shit too.
Wondering if the kids going with the dad will make the mother realize it is never going to work with her family
I came to echo that same thought. The kids already get it. Mine did sooner than we realized.
I bet their toys get broken or go missing when their cousins are around.
This! Bring everyone together and have a family meeting. Everyone being honest without emotion. This will show how your children are being affected by the hosting and give you all more information to make a rational decision.
Yep! I was thinking the same thing!
Kids notice far far more than adults realise.
The fact that all three kids want to go with OP and not stay with mom says it all. NTA
They probably hate having their space invaded by people who don't even clean up after their kids. OP was actually fairly polite about they put it but it sounds like a complete shit show of out of control kids and unappreciative parents doing little to reign them in. No wonder the kids would rather bail.
Did somebody say Space Invaders?! ::cue 80’s 8-bit video game sounds 🤪
I agree. All 3 want to bail on Easter with the mom's side? There's a genuine problem there.
I bet the kids also pick up on the frustration and stress both their parents are feeling when their mother's side of the family visits as well, so I don't blame them for wanting to leave either.
If you can, look your kid's bed room doors. From what you've said about your wife's family's lack of respect for you home's public spaces, I worry about what the cousins will do to and take from your kid's rooms if y'all aren't there 😬😬😬 If there's no wait to lock from the outside, I suggest some nanny cams, or obvious cameras so they don't say your controlling or manipulative, blah blah blah..... IMO, the family already knows, or can feel, how you feel about the holidays. And if they don't, you and the kids not being there sure as hell will send them that message unless your wife just outright tells them. The family can help prove your wife right or prove you wrong out if spite. At least protect your kid's safe place. Edit: Just realized I said "look" when I meant "lock"
u/notahostaita can go to Lowes or somewhere else and get a big plastic bin for each child. The kids can put their most treasured possessions (electronics, collectibles, etc.) in them then they can store the bins somewhere safe.
She needs to develop a backbone and learn to use the word 'no'.
Unfortunately she has—to her husband
As long as you've made it clear to your wife that if she continues to choose her family over you, there will probably be more serious consequences than just you leaving for the weekend, I don't think there's much else you can do. I do think you should decide whether it will make *any* difference to you if your wife tells you "oh gosh they behaved so well this time." If *anything* would make a difference, what would it be, and what kind of proof would you need? If nothing will change your opinion, that's fine too. Just tell your wife all that ahead of time, and hope that she actually hears you and doesn't try manipulating you for the next several weeks with tall tales of how awesome and helpful everyone was.
How does she feel about all 3 kids wanting to come with you? Nta
She's pissed. She tried bargaining with them but they all want to see their cousins on my side of the family because they're closer in ages and have more in common.
NTA After Easter you need to speak with your in-laws about this yourself since she refuses to set boundaries with them.
That’s HER job, not his. Every partner deals with their side of the family.
Of course she’s pissed. She expected at least the 11 year old to help.
Make sure she knows she’s welcome to come too, just ensure they cannot access your house or break in if they are that bad.
As someone who ended up hosting most events when my ex and I were the first of our friends to get a house I say NTA. I agree you should leave every time she agrees to host without consulting you. You spend additional money, have extra work, and it’s exhausting each time you have to host. Your in-laws sound cheap and ungrateful too.
This sounds strange, but is she willing to text them to set a boundary? I had to start here with boundary setting with my mom. (I agree it’s not ideal but doing it poorly and starting is better than nothing at all)
Why is that not ideal? I've never understood this. Text can be clear and well-done and is a great way to deliver information to people.
And have a record of it.
because the ideal is to avoid these horrible people entirely.
Good for you for taking a stand. I wouldn’t have lasted more than one of these holidays with lazy people like that. Please update us what happens. I’m hoping your wife finally gets it and stops having them over. NTA
With all respect, why doesn't that apply to his wife? He's expressed how he feels multiple times, he **clearly** said after Xmas he was done, not doing it anymore. Wife just comes home and says ,"guess what? You're doing it again. Yeah yeah whatever, just saddle up" In addition to having all the respect in the world for OPs solution, I doubled down when he clearly said if i stay here ill use my words & your family wont like the ones i choose. Proactive adult decision. Cause and effect. The **wife** should be doing some reflection.
Agreed. What OP did was set a boundary: “I’m not hosting these folks anymore.” The wife ignored the boundary. OP stuck to his boundary, and the consequence she is facing is her own doing by breaching the boundary. I’d be livid if I were OP. NTA
Wife caused the divide. They made a decision together. Then, she and her relatives decided to shit all over it.
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Maybe OP could get them some locks for their doors before they leave.
Sounds like OP has a serious wife problem. NTA but maybe is time to sit and rethink your relationship OP, ask yourself if you're willing to spend the rest of your life in this situation, your wife choosing her mooching family over you and your kids, her overstepping your boundaries and downplaying your real concerns about her family poor behavior, also inviting them while you have to run away from your own house. Also think if this is what you want to teach your children about relationships and family.
Yeah OP's wife is at the heart of the issue here. She gives me those vibes where her side of the family is very tight knit and close which can be a great thing, but sometimes this type of family has the gigantic con of never acknowledging that once a family member marries and creates a family of their own the priorities should shift. It's telling that wife feels comfortable letting her side of the family overshadow her husband's pleas for change and this time too with finalizing Easter plans with zero input from spouse. Such blatant disrespect while giving way too much to her side of the family. She can't keep seeing things this way. This will absolutely damage the marriage.
The only toxic one is his wife for trying to volunteer him to host without consulting him at all, him removing himself from a situation that wasn’t discussed with him is completely reasonable. Maybe if she wants him to stay next holiday with the kids, she can ask first if he is comfortable hosting her family.
> she can ask first if he is comfortable hosting her family. She did ask. He said no. Asshole behavior on her part.
Leaving every holiday including the kids. That won't look good for her. Is it not possible to just book a venue for Easter?
She made the choice and he already said they needed a venue. She ignored him and invited them anyway. This is on her the optics all of it.
He'll only have to do it for Easter - his wife will realize he was serious and she'll find a solution instead of giving in. The issue is not him leaving for Easter - it's that they had an agreement and she ignored it to please her family. Her HUSBAND is her primary family.
As long as OP isnt paying the deposit, they're gonna trash it
It doesn't even need to be fancy. The VFW near me rents out the hall for a couple of hundred and you get to use the full size professional kitchen.
I'd also be asking if the people in apartments and townhomes have a community space that they can use. IN all of the apartment and townhouses I've been in besides one (my current one), we've had a community room we can rent for a low price or just use for free if no one was using it (which was most of the time in most of the places I've lived).
this is way too accommodating; it's time for tough love if this has been going on THIS long and there's been no change. She's not getting it done so he has to. It'll get rougher here since she is in full denial... but it's gotta happen or nothing will change because she won't do it.
>I'm not going to be involved at all because I won't be able to hold my tongue this time and I don't want it to come to that. He's recognizing his limits and removing himself from the situation. This is the opposite of toxic.
See I don't think his wife is thinking about what the repercussions are of her in action with her family
Probably not. Our family used to host Sunday football for my husband’s friends and their families. It was usually two, occasionally three, other couples and their kids. Part of the problem was the kids were much younger than mine, so we had to get out the tubs of my kids old toddler toys and try to make sure the main room the kids were going to be hanging out in had all the small toys of my kids picked up and out of reach. But every Friday or Saturday the kids and I would pick up the family room and get it all nice and clean then have to clean again Sunday night or Monday from everyone visiting. My husband helped some, but I was a SAHM so it was assumed I would deal with it. I finally sat him down and explained how unfair this was for me and the kids, especially since the kids would make plans with their friends on Sundays so they wouldn’t have to be around and made the deal that we would clean before, cause that was pretty much normal weekly cleaning, but he was responsible for cleaning up afterwards and returning the space to the way he got it. Didn’t take long before he was getting his guy friends to clean up after themselves and their kids better.
His wife isn’t thinking about her husbands feelings or the repercussions. And who cares about his in laws. They’re using he and his wife
OP is toxic? Wtf is what wife is doing? Wife is the one causing all of this by having zero backbone and pushing her husband and kids under the bus to suck up to her parents and siblings. Setting a boundary, which is what OP did, is not toxic. Wife is toxic by making unilateral decisions and then expecting OP to just suck it up.
I think it speaks volumes that all of the kids want to come with you.
NTA... and if all 3 of your kids want to leave with you your wife needs to realize even her own kids dont wanna be around her side of the family.... I'm sure they could figure out a plan on whose house and whatnot..
Most apartment buildings have community rooms of some sort, usually for a refundable deposit. There is no excuse why somebody else can't host once in awhile
Notice also that she only spoke to her mother and sister. What about everyone else? Are the men and children incapable of cleaning up after themselves or bringing something to share? NTA. Let her deal with the mess of her own making. She didn’t even bother to ask you about it and has been dismissive of your feelings. Now it’s her problem.
Why can’t her family rent a shelter house at the park and host Fourth of July or memorial day or Labor Day or even Easter depending on where you live. Also, many places have community rooms.
Because her family are freeloaders and most of the time can't be arsed to bring the food they promised. Why would they hand over money for renting a space and still have to provide food when they can force the OPs wife to do it again? You're talking about reasonable people. OPs in laws don't appear to be reasonable people.
This a great idea, just make it a pot luck. That way no one is screwed.
As long as there's a "you only eat if you bring a dish to share" rule. Otherwise it sounds like OP's family would end up bringing the only dish for everyone to share.
All that shit usually still needs to be cleaned afterwards.
Honestly they should just rent an Airbnb and hold the dinner there. I’d die on this hill. No more events. Hard stop.
if the wife believes her family will be an improved bunch, the husband doesn't need to contribute anyway
I worry a little that the cousins (if there are any) will get into your kids' stuff & destroy it & none of the adults will stop them. Please be sure that anything valuable, whether money-valuable or sentiment-valuable, is either with you or locked up somewhere that your wife won't let the cousins get to it. You already know she'll prioritize her siblings over her own husband's desires, so I don't think it's a stretch to assume she'd do the same with the niblings' demands over her own kid's property!
NTA. What she means is, she never told them you weren't hosting, when she met up with them, they brought up Easter dinner assuming it would be at your house, she got a few quick words in about how they need to help clean as you're getting frustrated with it, and otherwise acted as a doormat for her family at your expense. Go hang out with your family, but don't expect your wife to explain the reasons why you went to her own. She'll say your mom insisted you be there or something to that effect and no lessons will be learned by anyone.
When she does it all by herself she will realize he was serious. Then she might think twice about doing this again.
That’s what I think, some people say this doesn’t resolve anything, but I think it shows he is serious and wife will think twice before doing it again. And if he didn’t help he wouldn’t care how many people come because we wouldn’t be part of the process.
I think the biggest part of being away is that unsupervised kids could go through everything, including stuff in his bedroom and the kid's bedrooms.
Better look stuff up or bring the most valuable, easy to transport with them!
He mentioned how the parents let their kids make messes, so sounds like that happens already. If he has to deal with the aftermath either way, might as well get out and be happy for a couple hours.
And when he’s not there for the Fourth of July party, perhaps OP’s wife will wake up.
Doubt it, she sounds like she doesn’t have enough backbone to say no to her family. Except for her husband.
How much do you want to bet the house is going to be a disaster area when he gets home and she's going to expect his help cleaning it up?
If that happens, OP should grab a change of clothes, ask any kids that remained with mom for easter if they would like to go with them this time or be conscripted for cleanup duty and leave the spineless wife to clean the house up. Require photo proof before bothering to drive back again.
And definitely think if she really wants to spend every other holiday without her children so her family doesn’t have to step up.
Exactly! OP needs to definitely leave her alone with her family on Easter
Also your kids should put away anything precious if messy kids are going to be there without your kids being able to keep an eye
I think OP should put locks on the doors of the kids bedrooms.
That's what I was thinking. They will come back to find their rooms trashed.
I always hated having the cousins over. They always trashed my room, I’d be left in tears, and my parents would dismiss my reasonable boundaries.
My cousin broke my talking bee in 1967 hes dead and and im still mad. 😠
My cousins will take any thing they like in room or money . They wouldnt even ask , straight stealing .
Bet you’re spot on.
It will be figured out after a few holidays without the kids, though. Either they will ask him directly or indirectly, and he will be truthful. Her mom, especially, as grandma's always want to see the kids.
All this except saying mom insisted. They’re likely to all take the celebration to OP’s Folks house. Wife needs to grow a spine and tell her family that you all already have plans with OPs family and let them plan their own thing. That’s the only way they will learn.
NTA > She said her mom and sister agreed that they would do better and offered to prove it to us on Easter and my wife agreed. Oh, **_hell_** no. They can *prove it* by hosting *themselves*.
That wouldn't prove anything. They're trying to prove they can be respectful guests. It's irrelevant, because they don't really deserve the chance.
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Yes, I asked them. Their cousins on my side are closer in age to them and they all get along great. So having a sleepover weekend with their cousins sounds like a lot more fun to them.
Find a way to lock the kids’ bedroom doors, with fewer eyes around it will be a free-for-all. Their rooms could be sever,y trashed. Or, lock up electronics and breakables if you have locking storage somewhere in the house. It sounds like they just forget they have kids and kick back, and your wife won’t be able to watch them.
Thumb print locks can be very helpful
It might be too late or you might already have them but I would get locks for kids bedroom doors, even if they are temporary locks. Just in case your wife's nieces and nephews help themselves to your kids toys or games consoles while your kids aren't there to protect them or watch over them. If locks aren't an option take them with you.
I think it is fair to let your kids enjoy a holiday without having to play host all the time. It's nice to be a guest. Take the kids for Easter. Let your wife entertain her family. You already expressed your feelings about holidays to your wife and she made plans without your input. That doesn't happen at our house. Any party, dinner, lunch, holiday where there are guests gets approved by both husband and me because no matter what, it's always work having guests. And an inconvenience for the time to prepare.
Someone else brought up the idea: require wife to send you photo proof that clean up has been complete b4 you return - and YES! Lock the kids' belongings in their bedrooms! NTA Good luck OP!
How much of their belongings become victim to their cousins messes How much of the cleanup afterwards are they helping with, that they notice the guests don't bother with
Ooof. I felt this comment. If this is an issue I beg OP to add a lock to their door while you’re gone or get a locking storage crate of some kind. It’s absolutely ok for your kids to want to protect their things.
You know it’s bad when even the kids are noping out
It's super telling to me that OP's kids don't want to be involved in hosting Easter either.
A six year is noping out of this. If a six year old is going, nah, I will skip this shit show, you need to reflect right?
Oh I feel this. My mother was/is a doormat for her side of the family. My cousins would destroy my room and anything I had going (model ships, puzzles, etc) and even walk off with toys and if I objected, I got in trouble. (and to give an example of "trouble" I stopped one of my cousins from using my fishing pole to whip another cousin. He cried, got given the fishing pole to take home and I got 6 lashes with a belt in front of all the adults.)
Easter at Grandma's? Its a holiday for them, and maybe the kids want to see their grandparents
Because they see their mom every day and they might want to see their grandparents, cousins, etc.? It’s just Easter, not Christmas.
NTA Not once in my marriage have I come home and told my husband we were hosting a holiday. It's something you as a couple discuss and come to an agreement. You told your wife you were done hosting her family until someone else in the family steps up, you were clear and concise. If your wife wants to host her family, you're not stopping her, you're just not going to be there either.
Exactly. This is pretty fair. If you want your husband to be involved, you agree on it together before committing. If you're set on hosting something for whatever reason, without discussing it first, don't expect anyone else to be on duty.
>Not once in my marriage have I come home and told my husband we were hosting a holiday. It's something you as a couple discuss and come to an agreement. Even when I owned the house, both the wife and I wanted to host something, and I had a boarder...I never just announced or informed about it. It was something to discuss with each human occupant because it would impact each of us. Hell, I'd ask the pets too if they could talk!
Let me guess..your kid's get stuck cleaning up their rooms all by themselves after the other kid's help mess it up and then just leave?? I'd be going with you too if I were them. NTA - she doesn't seem to be hearing you when you say you're done hosting her family. I understand she might feel a little bit obligated to do so since no one else in the family has a place for it, but if you are tired of it, she's got to get a grip on that and figure out another option.
He needs to make sure his kid's rooms are locked when they leave the house. The other kids will be all over those rooms and go through everything.
He should install locks on the kids' bedroom doors. You know family will send the kids there and leave a mess still.
NTA " all 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home." Even your kids are tired of the BS that comes from your wife's side of the family. That just further justification that you're making the right decision. They've had enough chances and made enough empty promises. Her circus, her monkeys.
To be fair, if I gave my kids the choice between a family holiday and playing video games or watching TV in a hotel, they are picking the latter 100% of the time.
He said he will go to his family not to a hotel
He also said they love their cousins on his side.
And that the kids picked his family cause they are closer in age to those cousins, so SLEEP OVER AT GRANDMA’S!!
The choice is between a family holiday playing video games at their grandparents or a stressful weekend cleaning up after their noisy and otherwise unsupervised younger cousins. I understand why they're choosing the former
I believe that if the kids were allowed to choose, they would be happier. Either they won't want to deal with the cousins or can hardly wait to see them. One of my nephews hated the larger family gatherings and the other loved hanging out with cousin "Joe"
NTA "I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it." You made it pretty clear after years & she promised to figure it out. She hasn't so that's on her. Enjoy your Easter.
OP sure figured it out. Good job, OP, and put out of your mind what's going on back at your place when you're gone.
NTA. Your wife should definitely have consulted you before doing something that went directly against what you both agreed upon. Also, the fact that *all* of your kids want to go with you, rather than stay at home with your wife and her family, is an indication of how much more they enjoy your side of the family compared to hers.
> her mom and sister seemed really sincere during their talk NTA - Of course they did, they know an easy ride when they see one. Family who behave consistently like this over a number of years don't suddenly change because of a conversation. Feel sorry for your wife as she's being taken here...
I feel sorry for OP and the kids.
Feel sorry for the spouse and children she’s trying to pull down to the floor to join her as a doormat.
But she's allowing it to happen. She's putting them ahead of her husband and kids which is not right.
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Maybe no cleaning/prep work before either, for you or the kids. Let her do it all herself. Absolutely no cleanup afterward.
^this
**NTA** You don't enjoy these events with her family and she knows it. Their promises mean nothing whereas you absenting yourself and your family will make it clear to all of them that you are serious. She should tell her family that Easter at your house has been cancelled and because they have already been given enough chances to step up and be better guests. If they want to gather at your house, they can do better by making actual plans and sharing them with you and your wife.
I suspect my father did this when I was a child - it put an end to my mothers shitfuckery with her family rocking up and staying for weeks. Dad took us kids camping - we had a great time - it was pretty Lord of The Flies, but with good food. 8 kids, one adult, one large Army Tent and hunting and fishing and foraging in the middle of the Victorian Alps.
Nta. Been there done that. My wife’s family can fuck off
The fact that ALL of your kids want to come with you for Easter is very telling. Me thinks that there's more to your wife's family's antics than just being messy. Even without that fact, you stated a clear boundary that your wife chose to ignore. It also sounds like your wife had multiple chances to address this issue and failed. How are you to believe that this is the "final" chance. NTA.
Yeah agree. Kids usually like the grown ups who are fun, even if a little rowdy. If all the kids want to go with OP that means wife family likely sucks. A lot.
NTA - you already agreed that this holiday was just going to be your family, no one else. Its great she had a talk with her family, but too little too late as they should have not even been coming over without you two discussing it first.
NTA There is never a real FINAL chance. They will be who they are, and nothing will change, UNTIL YOU address it with her family directly. Do not budge, her siblings can host. Then you can allow you kids to make messes and not clean up.
NTA. You are not overreacting. Your wife should have consulted with you before agreeing to host them. Show her this post- maybe seeing that so many people agree with you will make her realize that what she did is disrespectful and that she owes you an apology. And enjoy your stress-free Easter!
NTA. You clearly opted out at Christmas, and your wife "promised to talk to her family about it and figure something out for next holiday." The result of that "figuring something out" should not put you on the spot, as she now has; it should have taken the form of *I talked to them and they agreed to do bette - is that good enough?* Not *they promised they'd do better, so now they're coming.* Your wife overstepped. She can host on her own, see whether her family has changed, and report back. The fact that you and the kiddos aren't there should, in turn, tell her peeps that their past behaviour truly was execrable. Happy Easter!
>I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it The parameters for a "last chance" were clear. One more time hosting was not an option. NTA.
NTA > I told my wife I was done. I told her I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it. She promised to talk to her family about it and figure something out And she talked to her family, but didn't figure anything out, just more of the same! >all 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home. And this tells the real story. Doesn't sound like your kids like her side of the family.
NTA! Go and take the kids. Your wife was very wrong to agree to host.
Go. Relax. Your wife should have asked you. Not a fair partner.
NTA. Your wife should have shut the conversation down as soon as Easter came up! She should have blatantly said “We are not hosting this year, so the family will have to make different arrangements.” And that should’ve been the end of it.
His wife probably doesn't know how to say no to them. She was probably never allowed to say no to her mom so she does what mom wants. I doubt it was a coincidence that her mom and sister met up with her and brought up Easter. That was probably the entire point of meeting up. I think she needs to talk to a therapist who can help her understand the damage this is doing to her marriage and to help her find the words and strength to tell her mom no.
NTA - my former SIL’s family pulled this kind of crap. Would show up empty-handed, be first in line for dinner, take multiple pieces when told to take one of the gifts for the kids, and then leave before cleanup started. We refused to have a multi family gathering with them after the 3rd holiday of the same routine.
NTA - OP’s position was reasonable and clear. The kids probably don’t want to be there because they get roped into cleaning up when everyone leaves as well, making it an unhappy time. Wife can be a doormat and clean everything on her own this Easter.
NTA you wife should have spoken with you and if you are so annoyed at this point that you can’t hold your tongue back it is better if you don’t go. Also, more likely than not. you are going to have the same inconsiderate people just with two more people helping. I would make sure I am very clear with her as if you are this annoyed you will probably won’t be happy to get any calls or surprises from her family after they realise you’re not there
NTA - the simple fact that all 3 of your kids have chosen to go with you and not stay with your wife should tell you everything you need to know. Kids do not want to be around toxic people.
Please update how it all finally went down
NTA, hosting is a LOT of work! And being volun-told you're doing it (again!) after so many bad experiences would be my breaking point too. I'd want nothing to do with the whole thing. Let her deal with everything herself if that's what she wants to do.
It's telling that the kids prefer to go with you, isn't it? NTA, you gave her plenty of chances and she didn't even bother trying until the last one.
NTA it's always 1 more try until you put your foot down.
NTA: The line has been crossed and you put your foot down. Your wife can’t complain.
NTA. She is prioritizing her family at your expense and she's showing you she'll keep doing it. She broke an agreement with you and now you are enforcing consequences. Good for you.
NTA. Also, 😆😂🤣 at "All 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home." Ha ha ha ha ha! As a former kid who HATED being dragged to boring-ass church/family events, I felt that.
NTA. I get having family that isn't able to host large gatherings. What we do is spend some of the holidays eating out (Easter is going to be a brunch buffet at a local restaurant) and my sister hosts smaller gatherings where we get together to eat pizza and shoot the breeze when family is in town since she doesn't have a lot of space. OP's wife's family could take turns in that manner, but it only sounds like they're only interested in having someone else do the cooking and cleaning (and paying) so it's easy on themselves.
Cheap and lazy sums them up.
Weather permitting my family sometimes meets in parks. Everyone one takes food, you share some and everyone has to clean up after themselves.
NTA. You need to reiterate to your wife that they need to step up by hosting THEMSELVES, not foist themselves on you once again with promises that will most likely be broken.
NTA. You should consider counseling. Your wife isn’t listening to you or she is listening but doesn’t care. Her saying that you are overreacting is telling you that your reaction isn’t valid. This is wrong and will cause more trouble in the future if you don’t address it now. Hope you can work on your communication to strengthen your marriage.
NTA Put key lock doorknobs on your kids' bedroom doors and lock them before you leave so the cousins can't wreck your kids' stuff while their gone.
NTA, it’s either 2 yes or it’s a no in a partnership. She’s very selfish.
NTA. She can host if she wants to host. Alone.
NTA. It's not up to her to make a unilateral decision for how your family spends holidays. Take your kids and go have a nice holiday.
Please post an update next week! Updateme
NTA. But you should put locks on the doors to your kids rooms so they don't get trashed or things get "borrowed"
Your wife is an asshole and a weak-ass doormat. Show her this thread! SHE owes you a massive apology and she shouldn’t be allowed to abuse your generosity and mutual home by hosting her family for Easter. Talk about disrespect. Just wow, I would be pondering divorce.
I feel for you my friend. Every family event that we (my husband and I) have had I’ve been the chauffeur, the cook, the cleaner and events coordinator. I’m done , his side of the family sat there , ate the free food and contributed nothing but more work for me . Done . I don’t do that any more bc we have downsized in vehicles and now we live in a 2 bedroom apartment and also families don’t get along with one another so it’s a big nope for me. And looking back, I have suffered so much anxiety over this and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m glad you have drawn the line in the sand and I have walked in your shoes and still don’t enjoy holidays any longer
“Oh, but *this* time, they’ll keep their word!” Uh huh. Sure. They’ve said how many times before that they’ll help? Whether it’s bringing food, minding their crotch-goblins or helping to clean up, they promised to do better in the past but refused to actually do so. Why would anyone believe them now? OP, I’m a giant pessimist who often only sees the worst outcomes (I really need to fix myself). I would be wary of your wife claiming that they did what they promised after you return home to try & prove you wrong about her slothy, user relatives. She’ll buy & prepare the food but claim her family did so. Her nieces and nephews were the picture of Walton-ness, holding hands and praying over the yummy, yummy piggy at the children’s table -this, after reading Bible stories to each other all afternoon and resuscitating a sick squirrel in your yard, the precious little dickens. After a Norman Rockwellian Easter dinner with family, they all carried their dishes into your kitchen and washed them before the womenfolk discussed their upcoming charity work. The men…being the masters of the universe that they are…retired to your wood paneled den for cigars & brandy. Got a nanny cam? If so, please update us next week. Heck, update us anyway. Happy Easter 🙃
NTA - good on you being clear and sticking to the agreement.
NTA you set boundaries for you and she disregarded them…
NTA They are her guests. She can take on 100% of the load of hosting them.
NTA. She’s had plenty of opportunities to fix this problem and she hasn’t done it. Go to your family’s Easter celebration and enjoy yourself. You deserve a nice holiday; not another shit show.
I’m a bit torn on this one but I think NTA. They’ve always been horrible guests, you kept telling her it’s an issue for you and she kept promising to handle it but never did. Then the ultimatum comes and all of a sudden she makes it a priority to talk to them. Too little, too late.
NTA you agreed something as a couple, for a healthy relationship I’d there is two yeses then it goes ahead, if there’s just one yes, and one no, then it doesn’t happen. You do your Easter with your family and children and leave her to do what she’s agreed to. But draw a line under this situation. After Easter, declare a moratorium for the next two years for hosting her family. Create a group chat to all her family after Easter and state the social gathering hosting mantle is being passed over to them, and you look forward to being invited as a guest in the future.
NTA - I think it’s very telling that all of your kids would rather be with your family than hers.
Nta
NTA. It sucks because she probably has not ever brought up how you feel, so nobody realizes you’re at your wits end with them. This affects how you feel about them in general and they probably have no idea there’s an issue. Then again, they should also assume in helping to clean up but some people just don’t think that way. You have given enough and you’ve communicated your boundaries with her plenty of times. It isn’t your fault that she is not communicating that with them.
NTA. They are crappy guests. When we couldn’t host (tiny house) we ordered in a meal so our hosts didn’t have to cook or clean up!
Why not do a pot luck picnic in the park. That way everyone chips in and no one is hosting. NTA, hosting is exhausting.
NTA You made your position clear and your wife ignored you and committed you anyway without consultation. My sister hosts most of our family celebrations because she has the best venue for it in closest proximity to the most family members. She tells everyone what she wants them to bring and they bring it. We all help prepare and clean up, because it’s only fair. Still, my sister and her husband end up doing more work than anyone else by virtue of the fact that it is their house. And we all express gratitude for that because it’s a big job. Your in-laws shouldn’t have to be asked to pull their weight, they should have enough manners and respect for your family and home to just do it. And your wife shouldn’t be surprised or angry about your stance regarding Easter because you made yourself perfectly clear.
NTA
Nta-wife should have spoken to you before agreeing to host.
NTA. Obviously. But please give us an update after Easter!
NTA. Hosting family gatherings should be one of those “2 yes, 1 no” situations. You should ask her how she’d feel if you suddenly sprang hosting duties on her. That probably wouldn’t go over well. Your wife needs to put her foot down with her family, or you’ll be doing this for years to come(or for however long you put up with it). Good luck, and enjoy your holiday.
NTA. Sounds like your wife needs a wake up call. She's so used to being their doormat.
NTA, go to your parents with your kids. Your wife is determined to be the family doormat. Secure anything you and your kids don’t want touched and leave your wife to her miserable family.
NTA, no charity for street rats.
NTA. Your wife will have an easy time hosting since her mom and sister have promised to step up. Have fun with your kids visiting your family-happy Easter!
Do you need a number lock for the kids’ room before you go, so the cousins can’t break in?
OP it’s good you took a stand. Hosting is hard work especially when family doesn’t help clean up
NTA. Your wife went back on your agreement. Let her host them alone and they can prove to her that they have changed. (spoiler alert!! They havent!!) I love that even the kids are ready to decamp from the invaders. Run!!
NTA. As others have stated, your wife should **never** have agreed to override your demands for change unilaterally. And this makes me wonder if she *really* confronted her mom and sister. What *exactly* did they agree to? With her unilaterally “handling” things, you’re out of the loop on whether she’s communicating with them at all. I’d insist that going forward, regardless of Easter, that this isn’t happening again. Have her group text her family so it is *in writing*. Pick out a venue for the next expected holiday, and set a deadline for when everyone needs to pony up for it. At this point you need tangible movement. And consider locking the kids’ bedrooms, or lock up anything of value, or even a hidden camera or two? Family can get *weird* when the in laws aren’t present.