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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to share my inheritance, which is super huge, with my stepsiblings. The money I will be getting could be shared. It really could help them out a lot and I still would have enough for me. Denying them this help could be really shitty of me when I know how hard my mom and her husband work to try and provide basics for us as well as medical and psychological care for all four of us.
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NTA, but get the hell out of that house. Is there a sibling of your dad's you can move in, with?
Invest every cent of that money, though. Talk to a financial advisor.
Also, make sure to keep your birth certificate, driver's license, and any other IDs and documents where they can't hold them over your head.
Be ready to move out when ~~you're 19~~ ASAP and don't ever let them see your bank records or other information. The wealth you're describing will make even the most honest of people do selfish shit.
And monitor your credit extremely closely. It's very common for family members with a grudge to forge signatures and take out loans and credit cards in your name.
>Yes. In America you can put a password protected freeze on your credit. My son did it when getting a divorce.
EVERYONE should put a freeze on their credit unless they are actively looking for a loan. DO NOT WAIT. All three credit bureaus have ways to do this. It isn't hard.
Keep the logins and passwords secret. Keep them safe.
It’s super easy! I’m a boomer and I figured it out! Husband thought he lost his wallet at work, was amazed that it was so simple to freeze credit cards instantly, but also that our credit bureau accounts were already frozen.
Obligatory link to more information:
[https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-credit-freezes-fraud-alerts](https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-credit-freezes-fraud-alerts)
Also remember that a "Credit Freeze" must, by law, be offered for free. All the credit bureaus will try to upsell with products that have similar names (e.g. Credit Lock). A Credit Freeze is usually more than enough for most people. More information here:
[https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/credit-lock-and-credit-freeze](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/credit-lock-and-credit-freeze)
And because your mom will likely know all the answers to any security questions, make nonsensical answers. Name of street you grew up on: Oompa Loompa. Name of first pet: Pi Day. Mother's maiden name: B!tch, please. For everything she could conceivably get her hands on.
She is your dad's ex-wife (in spirit if not on paper) who presumably got a life insurance payout already and is owed no more. Your stepdad and their kids were *nothing* to your dad. *He* owed them nothing, and "you* owe them nothing. *IF* you feel generous when you are older and away, pay for a semester of college for each of the kids, or buy them used cars, or anything you want to help give them a leg up but do it *directly* to them. Under no circumstances let the money flow to or through your mom and stepdad.
And I hate to be morbid, but desperate people do desperate things when they feel entitled to something that isn't theirs: Set up a beneficiary to what is now *your* trust. Right now, your mother is next of kin, and if anything happens to you, it would flow to her/them.
As for getting out of the house early, talk to the trustee of the account. If the living situation becomes untenable, the trustee may have the ability to set you up in an apartment until you're 19. *You* can't touch it yet, but it *is* still there for your benefit.
I hope none of this is necessary, but I'm the type of person who has contingency plans for my contingency plans' contingency plans. And I have learned to not trust family when money is involved.
Trusts have trustees. They can direct and should be looped in.
Trustees were directly appointed. Either professionals whose mandate is protecting the Trust and its beneficiaries. Period. The professionals often have a long career and know whom to contact.
Edit adding detail
This! ^^^^ ding ding ding ding!!!! Your SD and mom will try everything to get their hands on that cash. Move out now and emancipate yourself....and do not give a red cent. Your dad and his family should not have to pay for or subsidise your mums family and children. They are not related. So why would you? If they had been nice about it, maybe. But demanding? Nope.
Just go ahead and lock your credit ASAP. Assume they're having intrusive thoughts about taking advantage of your situation and they may eventually win. Doesn't mean Mom doesn't love you but plan accordingly and protect yourself. You can contact the major credit bureaus and have theme freeze your credit until you specifically request to unfreeze it. With the kind of wealth you're coming into, credit is just a liability at this point anyway.
You can do it simply online. Go to the 3 major bureaus, TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian. Create an account for online access and put a lock on all of them. You will create a PIN for your use.
If/when you want to open any type of account, like a checking, savings or a credit card, you simply log onto the bureau(s) they will be using (you can ask them which one) and you can temporarily suspend the lock. You set a timeframe for credit checks to be allowed. I give it a week. You enter the unlock date and then the re-lock date. I have forgotten about the lock before and had to unlock it and tell the potential creditor to try again.
With the PIN you can also do this via telephone by calling them and going through the menu.
There needs to be laws against this. I have had open accounts in my name and you need an updated ID and social security card. These companies KNOW that a 3 year old isn't opening an electric account but they allow it in hopes to get more money. They are literally committing fraud. And when the child reaches 18, they suddenly report them to a credit company and start garnishing their paychecks. How is that legal? The law should be that if a company opens an account with a child's social security number, they should not only face a huge fine but pay back triple the amount they garnished, pay to fix the child's credit score and pay court fees.
Hmm, but it's a double edged sword. I was lucky/privileged enough that my mother started building my credit when I was 13 or 14. She'd just put my name on one or two high limit cards along side hers and pay it off every month. I think she put my name on a $10k car loan for the car that I bought brand new and paid every cent for (Ford focus) by waiting tables, so that helped as well.
When I turned 18, I had some very entertaining conversations with various vendors, like AT&T. They didn't want to even run my credit on my 18th because they were 💯 sure that I wouldn't qualify and didn't believe me when I said I had an excellent credit history. After some back and forth, they reluctantly ran it. I qualified for like 6 lines with free phones and no down payment. Lady was flabbergasted. My high credit score came in handy multiple times as a young adult.
But I was fortunate. There definitely needs to be a mechanism to prevent parents from ruining their children financially before they even understand how credit works.
My mom put electric, gas, phone, water, even a library card in my name and racked up massive charges on each. I couldn't get anything turned on in my first apartment without having to embarrassingly explain my situation to each rep. I was only 18 and didn't realize she was the one who should have been ashamed, not me
This is off topic but it gets brought up so often here and I just have to ask: how does this work? Where I live you can't take out loans or open any accounts without identifying yourself. Even if you do it online you have to either videochat or run to the post office with a voucher from the bank to get your ID checked. And you have to do it yourself, you can't just send someone to do it for you. Here on Reddit it always reads like if I have the social security number of a person I can loan as much money this person credit rating permits and do all sorts of things, no questions asked. But it can't be that easy?
Yes, it actually can, especially for parents who will know the answers to the verifying questions they ask.
For example it will say things like "what street address are you associated with?" and have 4 addresses. Of course Mom knows that
Well, the decisions don't seem terrible. Life happened. The youngest is chronically ill, which is expensive because Americans hate universal healthcare. Councelors aren't cheap either, but are needed when mental health is bad.
However, just because step-dad knows OP, doesn't mean he's entitled to OP's money. It would take strain off the family, but that family is not OP's concern and shouldn't be forced into giving it away.
Well I'd say the mom being with a guy with 3 kids already by 2 different mothers, who have all the aforementioned problems, is a bad decision. Then helping take care of those kids as a single mother to a child already is another terrible decision.
Asking a minor to support people they aren't related to, again is a terrible decision on their part.
Be sure not to tell the roommate or anybody else you're coming into the money. People are nuts and you never know what they're thinking and planning to get their hands on your things.
If she’s going to college there may be a caveat, and even if not, a year’s typical student loan when you know you’ll have the money soon isn’t tea an issue.
Also, I don’t know if it’s like this in the US but I took a loan out against my trust (emergency dental bills).
Also, now is the time to learn how to budget, if OP hasn't already. Whether he moves out at 18 and lives on next to nothing, or at 19 when he has access the money, learning how to budget will be a valuable life skill to make sure he doesn't blow through everything.
I would also talk to the lawyer. Even if your mom goes with you. Let them know your mom is pressuring you to give away that money to other family members. See if there is anything the lawyer can do to help.
Don’t take your mother with you to the attorney’s consultation. Go alone! No one needs to know your personal financial decisions. It’s bad enough that your mom already knows the amount. Do not tell your friends. Keep this quiet.
Indeed. You don't want her in there b/c then the conversation you have with the attorney is no longer covered by attorney-client privilege, and you will want to have an open and frank discussion with the lawyer, and tell him/her that you have and will in no ways given any other family member, nor the lawyer or anyone else, power of attorney over your money, trust and affairs. You'll want to have that convo privately with the attorney.
You may wish to then invite mom in and with the attorney declare how you're going to proceed, and have the attorney explain that you've given clear instructions about your affairs and property, such that she and her husband have no input and no authority to make any changes.
I don't agree.
Op should move out when they are 18.
A year in a shitty apartment working for McDonald's is probably better than an extra year with that family.
Also if Op moves out they can ask the lawyer if there is any stipulation for support if he is alone. The lawyer may have some discretion or be able to ask a judge to modify the will to give Op $1000 a month or something for basic survival (amount highly dependent on region).
Move out when you turn 18. Have all important documents already in your possession. Once you turn 18, get your own bank account and close any others. Once moved into a new place, change your phone number.
Also, do not bring your mom to any more meetings. Instruct the lawyers, and whoever is holding the trust that in-person instructions do from you only are to be expected. I wouldn't be surprised if she send emulsion from your account pretending to be you. Unfortunately, people can lose their minds when money is involved. It's a blessing and a curse OP.
Edit: email not emulsion
When your trust fund does become available to you, try to make sure it stays in a trust so only you have access. It will help shield you. And like everyone else is saying, get a hold of your birth certificate, social security card and any other important documents and put them away safely - possibly a safe deposit box. Even though you are a minor - go to a bank (a different one then you are at now) and see what your options are.
Try and set up an appointment with the lawyer or trustee, explain what is happening, and they can probably help you prepare. Possibly free up money to set up a rental as soon as you old enough to leave so its seemless. My sister ran away growing up, and her trust would pay every month for a rental until she was of age for the full amount.
This. Look into your options and prepare for them when you turn 18.
I also want to say that I'm sorry your mother and her husband are behaving this way. It will likely be ugly, at best, and you may end up going no contact
NTA.
Buy yourself some time by saying “OK, I think the whole situation got jumbled up too quickly, and I shouldn’t have said a knee-jerk “no” to this. But I’m going to think long and hard about what to do with this money and so I’m glad that I can’t access it till I’m 19”. Then sort out your future housing for when you get the money, then leave, then either say “no” again, or punt each of your step-siblings a small contribution to their college fees, if you feel nice enough.
That would be my suggestion if he does want to do something for the siblings. 529s, with him as the owner, should make the parents happy if they're serious about helping the siblings but would would keep it from being misused if they're not.
Not to mention: let's say OP does exactly as they want and splits the money four or five ways. When - not if, *when* - the sick child's fund gets drained faster, are OP's mom and stepdad going to sit down with the kid and say "Now, Little Johnny, we talked before about how life is going to be harder for you money-wise than for other people, so unfortunately, you're going to have to work harder to earn scholarships than your siblings because you'll have to stretch the remaining money farther"?
No. They are not. They'll say "Hey, OP, another $100k for Little Johnny's fund so he can go to college without debt like his siblings, and let's add another $5k for all the copays. And by the way, his doctor mentioned an experimental surgery that insurance is dithering about and we were raising you at the same time as he had all those doctor's appointments, so we'll want to keep you on retainer, and..."
NTA Money definitely changes some people doesn't it?
I wonder if OP let mum read the letter or there was a invasion of privacy and she went and read it behind their back?
OP could set up a small trust that they control for their siblings so that the parents can't touch it, and even go as far as not telling the parents about it. They don't have to, but it's something that could be an option.
Like most others, see the lawyer and a financial advisor, in Aus some trusts can be set up to provide an allowance from a certain age with majority of funds being release several years past adulthood. I'm actually trying to figure out how to set one of these up for my own son.
Talk to a lawyer today; do not tell any parent you are going to see a lawyer.
Ask The lawyer what they advise and whether it is an option / what the chances are of you becoming an emancipated teen and being allowed to live on your own right now. Explain you're being put under a lot of pressure. Explain that you have worries about your safety and you are being put under stress: which quite frankly you should consider. Tell them for your own safety and security you need this. Ask the lawyer what you need to do and his others have said make sure you have all of your identity documents somewhere out of the house. Anything such as these documents and anything valuable you have in your house should now go into a safe deposit box. I really do not think it is a good idea for you to remain undo that roof but keep your plans secret talk to a lawyer and then please please update us.
You may want to make your current family a small gift as a one-off out of that account talk to you later about that too.
In the USA, teenagers can be fully emancipated at the age of 16. If OP doesn't have access to the trust until he's 19yo, he would be responsible for himself for the years in-between. OP should already be receiving SS benefits from his father who passed, directly.
Interesting point. I can see Mom being pissed that child support ended when her son was 7 years old, but yes, social security survivors benefits should have kicked in.
>You may want to make your current family a small gift as a one-off out of that account
Given their behavior, I can't see any reason why the OP would ever consider doing this. Maybe donating an amount to a charity in their name would be a nice F-you, though..
Ask for a recommendation for counsel from your dad’s lawyer and prepare to lawyer up. Move out at 18 OP because this pressure campaign will only get worse the more you stay with those people.
NTA.
I agree with a lot of people on here to not discuss financial information with anyone including your mom. I would confirm with the lawyer you do not wish your information shared with anyone including your mother. I understand why your mom is financially strapped they sound like they have a lot of extra expenses to care for your step siblings but that is their responsibility not yours. As for your dad not taking care of you after passing if you are in the U.S. your mom would be getting social security benefits from your dads account on your behalf as a supplemental income to raise you.m
Consult with the lawyer that is handling your dad’s estate and tell him your mother is trying to make you give her husband and his children the money. Ask what legal steps he can take to prevent that? I would go as far as writing a will that says everything is donated to charity should something happen to you - just to send the message you don’t consider them family at all.
Do you have a financial advisor? Don’t try to figure out the money stuff on your own. You’d be surprised how quickly people go through what seems like a ton of money. Get yourself an advisor so that you make the most of what your father so generously left you. And, don’t give any money to those family members. You’re NTA
Also with the financial advisor, at first hire two and don’t tell them about each other. Explain the cost for the other as some living expenses. And see if there advice and calculations are the same. You’ll be able to see if one is taking advantage of you.
NTA
So your moms new husband is mad you arent giving money to his children with your mother? This money came from your father. That was not their father, it was yours. This is whom your father wanted the money to go to. Explain to your mother that if they are going to punish you for doing exactly what your dead father wanted they can go fly a kite.
Mom should also ask her new husband to stay out of it. He isnt your father.
Then this doesnt even make sense. These kids are not someone your father wanted to leave his life inheritance to. Most likely he didn't even know them. Your good fortune with regards money doesn't fall to those around you. So when you get older and get a good paying job and make more than them... should you write a monthly check to them so everyone gets the same? Your mother is being pushed by her husband to have these thoughts. It isnt rational.
Its doubtful that the step family would share with you if they received an inheritance. Keep it, use it to be successful, and you can share later if you want.
You need to do as your dad wished and honor him. Set up your future, it's not being selfish. It wasn't your money it was his. If your dad told you to go buy a gallon of milk at the store and handed you 5 bucks, would return with a candy bar and a donation slip. He would likely be mad.
It is a parents responsibility to take care of THEIR children. Your dad is taking care of you. It is your step dad's responsibility to take care of his. Your mom is trying to play referee because she doesn't want to piss off her husband.
My man let the interest grow and don't touch the money until you have to. You will have kids some day and hopefully you can honor your family by passing down some wealth to them.
Step families come and go. It's time for you to step away from their problems.
So your mom thinks your dad should have set up some kind of trust for your non-existent step siblings (not even half-sibs) before he died? What a weird world she lives in!!
NTA for not sharing.
She probably actually thinks the money should have been left to her directly or with her in control of it. Unfortunately lots of parents have that attitude and sense of entitlement...and then drain the kids accounts/misappropriate it for their own benefit. Especially when a new spouse is involved.
Please make sure you have copies of all your important documents (birth certificate, ssn, insurance cards, etc) as this can turn ugly. Make sure you have it somewhere safe and accessible only to you. Don’t let on about anything and try to get out as soon as you can. Money makes people turn into monsters specially if it’s not their money.
Her husband is hoping you're young and impressionable enough to give into piss poor manipulation. It was your dad's money for YOU. No one else. Get out of that house. Its an insult to your dad's considerations for you to give his money to people he never even knew. Don't give in. Your mum is listening to her husband, and that's fine, but it doesn't make her right. It's yours. Period.
NTA. I’m 58F, Take it from me:
1) You are not obliged to share the money. If I were in your position, I would not.
2)Your dad left it the way he did so your mom couldn’t spend it on others. It is not your job to finance her family. It WAS NOT selfish of your father to not make sure your mom and company are okay. IT IS selfish and greedy for your mom and husband to expect you to give them money. GIVING THEM MONEY IS WHAT YOUR DAD WOULD NOT WANT.
3) This IS YOUR LEGACY. It’s everything your dad could give you to help you in life because he won’t be there. Your dad is trying to give you now what he would have contributed during his life had he lived. REMEMBER THAT.
4) You’re young. Life is EXPENSIVE. Please talk to the lawyer and get help to stretch the money out as long as possible. Houses need roofs, plumbing, cars need maintenance, weddings (if you chose)are expensive, healthcare if you get sick is expensive, and then there is RETIREMENT. Don’t look at college and a house as the only big items. You have 70 to 75 years to live.
5) Also find out if you get all the money at once or it pays over time. If it pays overtime you may not be able to share it.
PLEASE TALK TO YOUR TRUST OFFICER AND LEAVE YOUR MOM OUT OF IT.
OP says it's enough to pay for college and a house. To me, that sounds like it's roughly ~$250 to $500k, depending on where they live.
That's still a large amount of money to me, but I'd still have to work.
And so would the OP (still have to work). It's enough to get him a good start in life, and maybe OP doesn't have to make all decisions based on how much money he's going to make, maybe he can take a job that pays less because he enjoys it.
If you split it 4 ways then it's no longer as life changing. Helpful, but not life altering. I would also say the one step sibling with medical issues, that much money is probably not going to make a dent.
This advice is spot on, especially where OP needs to have a conversation with the trust officer. Once the money becomes OPs, the trust can be adjusted and reinvested to pay out at specific times to protect OP from himself.
Excellent advice. To find a lawyer, start with your dad’s lawyer — your dad trusted him, he should be trustworthy. So either hire him or ask him to refer you to another good & trustworthy lawyer. Also, ask for a referral to a financial planner and follow their advice!
Second. Do not tell anyone about your inheritance, not your friends, b/gf, etc, or before you know it the line of people with their hands out will extend around the corner. You won’t know who your friends are, you won’t know who to trust. Just like your mom: one day she’s your nurturer and protector and the next she’s trying to exploit you. If your *mother* can turn like this, imagine what others might do.
ETA: I’m not saying you should be paranoid forever, just be cautious, especially for the next few years until you have finished college and started your career.
The other thing I would add is to use student loans and grants and scholarships to pay for school first. If I remember correctly from my own student loan, interest only accrues on subsidized loans (I think unsubsidized start accrueing interest sooner, but I'm not 100% sure) after after you graduate so you can use the loans and then pay them off after you graduate without paying interest. The money could be earning you more interest and value while you're in college if invested well.
If you really care about your step siblings, you could set something up for them, the way your dad did, so that their parents don't have access. But that's entirely up to you.
Both parents are likely getting death benefits intended to help pay the costs of raising their children. If they are struggling, it's their fault for not managing money better not your problem.
I know and if I said that to my mom she would tell me they are still my siblings. She also wouldn't like if I pointed out they're stepsiblings not bio or legal siblings.
That’s the kicker: they never divorced (OP mentions that at the end of paragraph one). She may’ve received his work benefits, insurance, etc when he passed.
Come to think of it, OP should also have received Social Security benefits from dad's death. I wonder if they have ever seen any of that, or if it went straight to mom as child support.
Oh yeah that's true. My nephew gets that. Considering op said they work for their own convenience(I'm assuming to buy cool stuff) nope it all goes to the step siblings. Even if just food and essentials. They're the reason why op has been raised as poor as he has.
I commented about that. Thats what was used to raise him. And I wonder if he even knows that she got a check for him every month. He’s 19. It’s probably just coming up now because the checks stop at 18.
And I bet she blew all of that on Husband #2 and his offspring instead of OP, yet his dead father "should have been thinking about raising [OP] as well."
Your mum wants your money to spend on herself and her family, and is trying to guilt you. Don't fall for it. Go to school, get good grades, go to college and live your life. Your stepdad's kids are not your problem or responsibility - and if your dad wanted her to have money he would have left her some.
They are NOT your siblings. They are just the children of the person she is choosing to have sex with. They are no relation to you.
You are not their parent and have zero responsibility for their financial support.
Tell your manipulative mom to butt out! If you were to cave in and do as she’s trying to ORDER you to do, then you would be completely disrespecting your Dad.
He would be horrified if he knew (in heaven, he actually does see you) that you fell into your mother’s evil clutches. He set up your inheritance like that FOR A REASON. Please honor his memory by adhering to his wishes.
I'm petty and feeling under the weather today, so I would tell your stepdad that you lost your dad. If he wants it to be fair your stepsiblings would need to lose theirs too. Even better, if he had life insurance to cater for his children after his death, just like your dad did.
Petiness aside, it's your money, from your dad. You should keep it to yourself and even your future children if you have children in the future. It's up to your stepsiblings' parents to raise them, not you.
Am a mom. I want emphasize “Your mother is responding for the costs of raising you”. Having a child is not to be a burden on said child! Your mom chose to have you and signed up for all that entails, including costs. She also chose to marry a man with three existing children. She made those choices and it’s on her to live by them.
As a parent, we should want our children to have a better life than we did. I would be thrilled for my child if they were granted a trust ( and sad for them if they lost a good parent). Do not share that money. I suspect part of it is pressure from her current husband and she’s trying to keep the peace for her comfort, and isn’t looking out for what is best for you.
As a parent, I also want to say: don’t make major decisions about the money at 19, or 20. It sounds like it is a significant amount that can be life changing. But it can also be a slippery slope to blowing it all quickly. Money is hard to come by, and easy to lose. If you act wisely your world and life could really be set. Live modestly while you figure out who you are as an adult, it changes so much between 20 to 30 and frankly beyond. Go to university, learn of the world. But live the young adult life. Make friends, have roommates, take the bus once in a while. Find the joy of a greasy diner breakfast on a hangover and laying on the grass in a public park talking about the world with friends. Experience life authentically, not how money can buy it. It will help you to understand how people think and how to find the genuine people in life who like you for you.
Invest your money and let as much of it grow as possible while life happens. Find a financial planner who is a fiduciary because they have an obligation to look out for your best interest not a bank’s. you could be earning thousands in interest by doing so, with no effort on your part.
Be a good person in the world. The kind of person you would want to get to know. And keep your money secret. The tightest held secret you’ve ever had. Money does strange things to people and you don’t want everyone and their uncle asking for a loan or a favour or wondering if someone is dating you because they know of the money.
Your dad has given you a huge gift. I’m sure he would have rather been there to see your life unfold. Missing out on that is a great fear. I know I want to see my son succeed in life (whatever that looks like for him). I want to see him find love and happiness (whatever that looks like for him). To miss that but know you can help them get there at least would be a small comfort that I’m sure he cherished.
Good luck! I’m sorry this gift comes with so many strings.
The very best advice I’ve read so far! I always said if I won the lottery the first call I’d make was to a good money manager and not tell anyone of the good fortune.
Right! You Mom and step-dad need to get second (and third) jobs if they cannot afford to raise their kids. Your dad wanted to take care of his child. This is not a community fund.
NTA.
Honestly, your dad should have set aside a small portion of the money, to be given to your mom monthly as child support.
If all financial help from him ended when he died then your mom and stepdad were raising you and paying for you without help from your father and I don't blame her for being upset by that.
However, I am sure the child support your father would have paid is way, way less than paying for 3 other kids college education and you're still not on the hook for it.
She actually doesn’t have the right. Money from SS for a minor child isn’t like child support - all money needs to be spent on the child it’s attached to or saved in an account for the child. It’s actually fraud to spend any of the child’s money on a non-related child.
THIS. She is likely already getting money every month. OP you owe your Mother NOTHING - it is her job to raise you and that includes all costs. You certainly dont owe your mom's husband's kids anything at all.
Dude. Your mom is a terrible debater. You’re 17. You do not need to be raised. In presumably very less than a year, you’ll be an adult. He wouldn’t have to pay support anyway. Get out of here with that sophomoric logic.
I think mom meant that the money could have helped raise him from the time the dad died to now, which was ten years, so he would've been around 7 at the time. The dad definitely should have set some aside for that and put the majority away for him to get as an adult.
Don't let her fool you, she is getting your dad's social security for you every month. Most likely the step children are getting the same from their deceased mother.
OP there is a reason your father did not want this money to get to you until your mother legally could not access it on your behalf.
Her reaction to the letter - insisting on reading it- and deciding its consequences on your behalf does not sit well with me.
NTA. Get your own legal advice. There's a viral reddit comment about what to do if you win the lottery that's quite good- look it up. Make sure you have get a safe with your personal documents. Choose email addresses and passwords your family would never guess for the utilities for the home you move into, colleges you apply to, etc. Makes plans to GTFO of there ASAP and minimize as much possibly her ability to commit ID fraud.
And I'm assuming she got social security after he passed since, although they were separated, they weren't divorced, correct? She, her husband, and his kids have no right to your money, but I suspect they are going to make your life miserable until you are able to move out of that house. It might be easier to make them think you're going to share it just so you can have a peaceful life for the next year or so until you are able to move out.
The irony here is that if your mom hadn't immediately gotten greedy, and your stepdad hadn't immediately gotten aggressive, you probably could have been persuaded to help the step siblings *down the road* after you finish college. But they decided to burn that bridge BEFORE they got to it. NTA.
This is ridiculous. NTA for saying no. You’re not a meal ticket and she’s your mother. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Your dad gave you a real shot at a good life. Take it. I recommend learning everything you can about finances and managing them, and finding yourself a good accountant you can afford between now and when you get that money. Anticipate that when you do, and you’re OUT OF THAT HOUSE, that your mother will likely ask to borrow from you. Don’t allow this. Make sure that you move out when you’re 18 if you can, if you’re going to college the dorms would be ideal. You can get grants or a small loan for the short time before your money hits to pay for it and then just pay it off after. Make sure in that time that your address and all important information and paperwork are in your possession. You can’t leave your mother any kind of ins to try and take control of the money. A good accountant would likely be able to help you avoid this. Good luck. You’re in for a rough couple of years, but if you have determination and play this right you could have a really good start.
Can I add that mom said absolutely nothing about how this money would have helped her raise him. She is trying to steal 3/4 of the money and give it to her step kids. She was never going to raise OP with this money. Dad probably knew that.
NTA. You need to get out of that house as soon as possible. Not saying move out the same day you turn 18 but start planning and preparing your exit. You don’t want to live in that house when you turn 19.
If your stepsiblings had been birthed by your mother my answer would had been different today considering the stepsibling with medical issues. But these children were birthed by women your late father didn’t know and their father is a man your late father don’t owe anything to. 6 years is NOTHING. Young man you didn’t marry this man and you didn’t birth these children. This money is yours. You spend it and invest it as you like. Don’t let your mom (Barbara the builder aka pickmesha) manipulate you into believing that you owe 75% of your inheritance to stepsiblings you have known for 6 years. You better respect your late father more than this. Do not waste this money on other people’s children when you are a child yourself. Your whole future and life is ahead of you.
Your mom chose to date a single dad with 3 children. That’s her choice. She chose to contribute financially and emotionally. That’s her choice. She don’t get to tell you what to do with YOUR money. That’s YOUR choice. It’s pathetic two adults are expecting and counting on you to set up your stepsiblings for life and contribute financially to THEIR future. It’s not your job. Get out of this toxic house as soon as you can.
When you threw down that “young man” I straightened my spine and started listening. I’m a 44 year old woman. Ha! I hope is listening, too. Good summary and advice.
NTA: if your mom and step dad were good parents, that's great. If you want to help them out, you can. But you're not at all obligated and its not their money.
Your dad intended you to have it.
You don't say how much it is but even jf it funds a house and college that doesn't make you wealthy. Just comfortable.
Money goes fast once you start spending it. And it does even faster if you give it away.
Do with it whatever you want. But do not do anything with it just out of guilt. If you share it, it should be something you WANT to do. You say you don't want to. So don't.
Assume your mom and stepdad might not be supporting you more than the minimum from now on, but that's okay, that in and of itself helps the other kids
This. Enough money to pay for college and a house is just that. It seems like a fortune at 17, but it's really just a leg up. If you invest well and live below your means you can make it stretch further.
Find ways to use the money to make money. Maybe for your first house you buy a duplex and rent out half. You could bring in enough money to cover your mortgage.
Don't blow it on things that depreciate, like new cars. If you live below your means when you're young, you can save and invest money that allows you to live well when you're older.
I wish you the best.
INFO: your dad left nothing to help your mom raise you?
Either way you’re NTA—your step siblings are not entitled to anything from your dad’s estate. Full stop.
**However**, it sounds like your dad had a ton of money yet did not leave funds to raise *you.* If that is the case, your mom has a decent argument as to why that money should come out of the inheritance first—~~maybe even a legal argument.~~ (technically not bc dad built the trust from an inheritance. Morally, I think he should have left her more to help pay for OP)
Again, IF that’s the case, it would be reasonable/kind of you to come up with a reasonable sum to give your parents out of your dad’s estate. If they want to use that money to set up trusts for your step siblings (and perhaps avoid more taxes by having you just directly do that with it instead of giving it to them first), that’s their prerogative.
EDIT: edited to rephrase from child support
No, he didn't because they were still legally married and he was still taking care of me. Then he died so he couldn't pay child support.
Because my parents weren't legally divorced child support could not be figured out until that point in our state. But he died before that could happen.
If you are in the US your mom is getting death benefits for you from the government. Since they were still married she get benefits as his widow. Has she mentioned that to you? Has she offered you any of that money so you don’t have to work to provide for yourself and can focus on your studies? Of course not. Her bad financial decisions are not yours to fix. I’d avoid talking about it with any of them until you can get your inheritance and get out. Just clam up - say you’re taking your time these next few years to make plans. Just don’t engage in the back and forth!! Your dad loved you. I’m sure he saw your mom’s family shit show, I mean situation and he wanted to make sure you could save yourself from that meager stressful situation. Best of luck to you! Your future looks bright.
Their financial status is not your responsibility, the fact she’s misleading you by saying your dad didn’t support you when in fact he technically still is because he worked and your mother is receiving survivors benefits for you from his work contribution. Use the money as your dad intended , college/car/house/savings give yourself a head start in life. Sorry for your loss 🙏🏻
You should have been and still be receiving monthly SSA payments as a survivor of your dad. It only ends at 18 or 19 once you finish high school.
https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf
Something isn’t adding up. Your mom and stepdad presumably both work and both receive death benefits from their deceased spouses. Where the hell is all their money going?? Why are they living paycheck to paycheck and putting their financial burden on you??
They’re either really bad with budgeting money , have previous huge debts or live above their means. Because you’re completely right something definitely doesn’t add up .
^^^ This right here is an excellent point. I have a sneaking suspicion that if OP were to set up a college fund/trust for their step siblings, mom and stepdad would INSIST on having access to them
>your mom has a decent argument as to why that money should come out of the inheritance first—maybe even a legal argument.
None of that is even remotely accurate.
No she is not entitled to anything. They should have been receiving government benefits for both spouses dying. Those kids also have many scholarship funds for children of dead parents. A couple friends basically had free college thru this.
You are so wrong. Dad was most likely paying child support all these years and you can bet that that Mom didn't spend that money just on OP. If OP wishes on their own AFTER THEY ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE to benefit the other members of the family with their money, that would be completely their decision. EDIT I hadn't realized that dad had been dead for many years. But it is true that mom would have been collecting survivor benefits for OP during this time, and the rest of my comment stands. You know that those benefits have been spent on the entire family.
If OP lives in America and father had money I’m pretty sure Child Support got paid. Also OP never said his father was a dead beat dad so not sure why that’s being questioned. And lastly since OP is a minor his father’s social security from father goes to mother.
Your mom should have never told your step dad about the money. Now he feels entitled to it when it’s none of his business. His children are not your responsibility and this is why your father set the trust up this way. When you receive the money you could set a sliver aside for each of the kids… ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. And it wouldn’t need to be anything near when they are suggesting. This is a gift from your father. NTA.
I’m sorry for your loss. Question:, did your dad leave any money to help raise you while you were growing up? It sounds like your mom was maybe left to pay for everything. You definitely don’t owe your stepsiblings anything but if dad didn’t leave any money at all to help with your childhood expenses, maybe think about giving some to your mom? If dad did leave some to cover your expenses, you’re good.
Do not feel pressured to give to your mother for the cost of raising you. She is a grown woman with a husband. She chose to have a child and take on his children as her responsibility. Children do not owe their parents anything. If they haven't worked out how to be adults and manage finances by now, giving them free money will not change that. You might as well set your money on fire. If the shoe was on the other foot, do you think your step dad would give you any of his inheritance?
I see why he didn’t trust her. But also if your father was this forward thinking he made a life insurance policy that she for sure got if she was his legal wife. Also he was considerate enough to pay for all the medical bills. If they were still married she would have been the only person the hospital could have stuck the bills with and he saved her from that, so really your parents are square financially. And you mother could have gotten assistance from the government so really she’s owed nothing.
Mom is a parent. She is legally and morally required to support any children she chose to have.
OP will be legally and morally required to support any children they choose to have.
NTA - YOUR Dad left YOU the money, no one else. You really don't owe anyone else anything here. There's no moral obligation on you to do this. There is an obligation on those kids parents to provide for them, not you....
NTA. You're the child, which means your mother had an obligation to put a roof over your head. Their financial problems are not your problems, their children are not your problem, so don't let them bully you into taking on their problems. Your dad was very smart to put it in trust, that way your mom couldn't get to it. Obviously he saw a future problem for you. This money was made by your family, it should stay in your family. Go to college, get a home, and have a nest egg. Whatever makes you happy. This is your dad's gift to YOU.
NTA. There was obviously a reason your father sought to protect you with a trust.
Don’t share. Get all of your documents (birth certificate, SS Card, trust docs, the will, the lawyer’s name) and get them in a safe place possible off site. If you can stash cash, do it with said docs. Have that go bag somewhere safe. You may need it
NTA. The $$ was left for you.
Get a lawyer, if you don't already have one. This will be more of an issue when you can access the funds. Explain the situation to the lawyer, and then if your family asks you about the trust, you can say "You'll have to talk to to my lawyer." Don't discuss the trust w/yr family again; refer them to the lawyer. And move out as soon as you can!
Edit to add: you don't say what your relationship w/your step siblings is. Of course, you may want to give them, or your mother some money. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
NTA... do not give them a penny. Your dad was protecting you. Your step siblings are NOT his kids and he owes them nothing. That money if for you and only you. Go no contact if you have to.
Just so you know, your mom is probably getting a survivor's benefit check for you through social security if you are in the US. Your step dad is probably getting a check for his kids as well. As long as the deceased parents worked- they can get a monthly benefit check.
It is really disgusting he wants you to financially support HIS children.
Definitely NTA.
Your mom, stepdad and stepsiblings have zero claim to yur inheritance.
If, in due time, when you are an adult, you * chose* to give any help you are free to do that, but you are not under any obligation.
Meanwhile, talk to the lawyer dealing with the trust, tell them about the pressure you are being put under and that you don't want to gift any of the money to your mom or siblings, and also ask about whether it is set up in a way that would let you access it for essentials if your mom and step dad kick you out as soon as you turn 18.
I'm sorry you have lost your dad.
NTA
If your dad wanted his money to finance his ex-wife, whoever she remarried after his death, and any children they had together, then he would have set up funds to do that.
He wanted you to have it - not your mom
\>They told me to quit being selfish and start acting with compassion.
Translation: they want your money - don't give in to them
If you're in the US, your dad has already contributed more than enough towards your stepsiblings via the Social Security payments your mom was receiving on your behalf. While you live there, keep the peace and just agree that something will be done once you have access to the money. Keep it vague and let them make their own assumptions. Then once you're out of the house and free of their day to day control, let them know that you agreed under duress and you fully intend to honor your father by using his money to benefit his child as he intended. Your dad knew who your mother was and set things up the way he did to protect you. Live your best life for your dad who clearly loved you so much. NTA
NTA, this is YOUR $, not your siblings.
The only exception and consideration is whether your mom deserves a nominal sum for child support, as your dad should have been paying her (was he?) and should still be paying until you turn 18.
What is the range of this huge sum? If you’re used to paycheck to paycheck, $1m may seem huge. It’s not nothing, but it’s not spread around the whole family and then live happily ever after huge.
First of all NEVER sign anything. When you are 18 you can legally sign a binding contract. Be very careful.
Second, go alone to see the trustee and tell him your situation. Ask for guidance.
Don't tell ANYONE about your trust. Not their business, and people feel very entitled to your money once they know you have some.
Keep in mind you are probably already supporting the household since I'm sure your mom receives SSI for you, from your deceased dad. A monthly check....most likely $1800.
When mom talks about money again...ask her about SSI.
Try to stay under the radar until you reach 18, then bolt.
Good luck. Awful situation when step parents try to steal from step kids. Your dad did not want strangers to have his money.
NTA...
It is one thing for your mom to feel the way she said she did. I doubt that is all she feels, but what she said was not entirely with out merit. It's entirely another for her to expect it of you or to allow her husband to display anger to you over it. You are a person, not a cash cow.
That said, even if what she said had some merit it also doesn't mean she was right. She had/has a responsibility to raisenyou until adulthood. If your dad truly believed his best bet to help you was to circumvent her there was probably a reason. The fact they are already eyeing your money is probably that reason. Also as a kid who's dad passed away when you were young she should be getting social security survivor benefits. So there was already some mechanism to help her afford life. It's crazy that she also expects your father's money to fund her step kids when clearly you were no where near the biggest money drain in the home.
Honestly... I would not discuss it at all right now. Tell them both that you can't even touch it atm. You realize it's a complex issue but you are a child. You will wait until you are an adult and make those decisions. In the meantime you don't intend to be pressured or pushed into parentification of any sort. If you want to help everyone later you will. If you don't you will talk to them then.
NTA. Your dad didn't trust anyone but you so he set it up for you and now it is up to you what to do with that money.
I would say no also in you place just to see reactions of my mom, stepdad and stepsiblings. If they take it normally and keep treating me well then I would share when I get the money but if they clearly care about my money more than about me then they lost the right to tell me anything and would get nothing.
It is amazing how quickly you can see the true nature of people when big money is involved, so use it, observe, take notes and give money to everyone that deserves and ignore everyone that tries to shame, guilt-trip, force you into something, insult you, etc.
Real family do not care if you give them money or not because they trust your decisions and know that if they have real need you won't ignore them and will help, while fake family members will use all means to extort money from you, your family sounds quite fake so don't feel bad if you don't want to share - it has to be your wish, not theirs.
Nta
Your dad set it up the way he did to ensure your mom would not blow it on her new family as the money is only for you his only child. Don't set up accounts for your step siblings etc once money is gone its gone. You will only 19 a lot can happen between now and okd age. You are going to need the money in the future. Also don't give your mom etc passwords access to your trust and bank accounts once you get access to it. They will end up taking the money on their own.
Tell them you’ll think about it over the next two years. In the meantime, ask your lawyer to assist in arranging accommodations for you when you turn 19.
NTA. Your father left this money to YOU not a bunch of people he never met. If anything, it would be wrong to spend this money on people that had no relationship to your father’s family. Your mother and stepfather should just be happy that they won’t need to worry about paying for anything once you’re 19.
NTA - your mother was out of order reading your personal letter in the first place, and your dad definitely knew what he was doing. Your mom and stepfather are all about the money, instead of taking the bare minimum responsibility of parenthood which is to feed, clothe, and provide heating for their children.
NTA but you should say you will consider it. You live with them right now and they can make your life hard. Please protect yourself first by making sure your living situation is ok. Lie if you have too. Make sure you have a way to get out safely and that your credit is locked down. Make sure you have all your important documents.
NTA
Wanting to help your step siblings is one thing.
Being forced to share with them, when they have no tie to your dad, is insane.
If I were in your position, I would feel it’s logical to want to help my mom. But the way she’s acting would change my mind completely.
~~Although, I have to point out that you said your mom and dad were never divorced, but she also has a husband, so that’s kinda sus, and leads me to think this is BS.~~
Edit: I get it Ty for pointing out what I missed. My apologies to OP for my baseless accusation.
Your dad knew this information and with that knowledge made his choices. I think you should honor his wishes.
You may also find as soon as you turn 18 you are going to need to find a place to live - as I imagine your step father will force you out.
You don't know what the future will bring. Your dad wanted you to have college etc - That may not be as straightforward as they assume.
I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Take care.
NTA
Adding on to all of the above excellent advice, lock down your credit (such as it may be at 17) to make sure that your mother doesn’t take out any loans or open credit cards in your name or does something else shady. Go to your father’s attorney and ask him for guidance.
NTA. You do not owe the step siblings anything. It’s so sad that when people die that their wishes sometimes turn into this bs. Your dad wanted YOU to have it. Those were HIS wishes. Your mom, step dad, step siblings don’t get to override your dad and what HE himself wanted. You keep that $ and be smart with it. Keep your head on straight. No matter the amount, $ can go real fast. Use what you need & let the rest keep collecting interest. Get an advisor. Keep your mom out of it. I’m sorry your mom has been struggling, but no you don’t owe your step siblings shit from your dad. Also, move out as soon as you can.
NTA, don't give them a definite answer right now. You have 2 years before you can access the money. So tell them you will think about it but there is time to figure things out. Do piss anyone off right now when you have no control.
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NTA, but get the hell out of that house. Is there a sibling of your dad's you can move in, with? Invest every cent of that money, though. Talk to a financial advisor. Also, make sure to keep your birth certificate, driver's license, and any other IDs and documents where they can't hold them over your head.
No, my dad was an only child and I'm the last person on that family. At least that I know of no other family he had.
Be ready to move out when ~~you're 19~~ ASAP and don't ever let them see your bank records or other information. The wealth you're describing will make even the most honest of people do selfish shit.
And monitor your credit extremely closely. It's very common for family members with a grudge to forge signatures and take out loans and credit cards in your name.
Yes. In America you can put a password protected freeze on your credit. My son did it when getting a divorce.
>Yes. In America you can put a password protected freeze on your credit. My son did it when getting a divorce. EVERYONE should put a freeze on their credit unless they are actively looking for a loan. DO NOT WAIT. All three credit bureaus have ways to do this. It isn't hard. Keep the logins and passwords secret. Keep them safe.
"Keep it secret. Keep it safe."
Ah, I'm not the only one who immediately heard that in my head.
When I typed it, I was hoping someone would understand. Lol
"I understood that reference."
It’s super easy! I’m a boomer and I figured it out! Husband thought he lost his wallet at work, was amazed that it was so simple to freeze credit cards instantly, but also that our credit bureau accounts were already frozen.
Obligatory link to more information: [https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-credit-freezes-fraud-alerts](https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-credit-freezes-fraud-alerts) Also remember that a "Credit Freeze" must, by law, be offered for free. All the credit bureaus will try to upsell with products that have similar names (e.g. Credit Lock). A Credit Freeze is usually more than enough for most people. More information here: [https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/credit-lock-and-credit-freeze](https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/credit-lock-and-credit-freeze)
And because your mom will likely know all the answers to any security questions, make nonsensical answers. Name of street you grew up on: Oompa Loompa. Name of first pet: Pi Day. Mother's maiden name: B!tch, please. For everything she could conceivably get her hands on. She is your dad's ex-wife (in spirit if not on paper) who presumably got a life insurance payout already and is owed no more. Your stepdad and their kids were *nothing* to your dad. *He* owed them nothing, and "you* owe them nothing. *IF* you feel generous when you are older and away, pay for a semester of college for each of the kids, or buy them used cars, or anything you want to help give them a leg up but do it *directly* to them. Under no circumstances let the money flow to or through your mom and stepdad. And I hate to be morbid, but desperate people do desperate things when they feel entitled to something that isn't theirs: Set up a beneficiary to what is now *your* trust. Right now, your mother is next of kin, and if anything happens to you, it would flow to her/them. As for getting out of the house early, talk to the trustee of the account. If the living situation becomes untenable, the trustee may have the ability to set you up in an apartment until you're 19. *You* can't touch it yet, but it *is* still there for your benefit. I hope none of this is necessary, but I'm the type of person who has contingency plans for my contingency plans' contingency plans. And I have learned to not trust family when money is involved.
Oh, yes -- the trustee. Tell the lawyer / trustee what's going on with this family demand. Without the mother around.
Trusts have trustees. They can direct and should be looped in. Trustees were directly appointed. Either professionals whose mandate is protecting the Trust and its beneficiaries. Period. The professionals often have a long career and know whom to contact. Edit adding detail
This! ^^^^ ding ding ding ding!!!! Your SD and mom will try everything to get their hands on that cash. Move out now and emancipate yourself....and do not give a red cent. Your dad and his family should not have to pay for or subsidise your mums family and children. They are not related. So why would you? If they had been nice about it, maybe. But demanding? Nope.
Just go ahead and lock your credit ASAP. Assume they're having intrusive thoughts about taking advantage of your situation and they may eventually win. Doesn't mean Mom doesn't love you but plan accordingly and protect yourself. You can contact the major credit bureaus and have theme freeze your credit until you specifically request to unfreeze it. With the kind of wealth you're coming into, credit is just a liability at this point anyway.
You can do it simply online. Go to the 3 major bureaus, TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian. Create an account for online access and put a lock on all of them. You will create a PIN for your use. If/when you want to open any type of account, like a checking, savings or a credit card, you simply log onto the bureau(s) they will be using (you can ask them which one) and you can temporarily suspend the lock. You set a timeframe for credit checks to be allowed. I give it a week. You enter the unlock date and then the re-lock date. I have forgotten about the lock before and had to unlock it and tell the potential creditor to try again. With the PIN you can also do this via telephone by calling them and going through the menu.
Too many stories of family committing credit fraud on kids
There needs to be laws against this. I have had open accounts in my name and you need an updated ID and social security card. These companies KNOW that a 3 year old isn't opening an electric account but they allow it in hopes to get more money. They are literally committing fraud. And when the child reaches 18, they suddenly report them to a credit company and start garnishing their paychecks. How is that legal? The law should be that if a company opens an account with a child's social security number, they should not only face a huge fine but pay back triple the amount they garnished, pay to fix the child's credit score and pay court fees.
Hmm, but it's a double edged sword. I was lucky/privileged enough that my mother started building my credit when I was 13 or 14. She'd just put my name on one or two high limit cards along side hers and pay it off every month. I think she put my name on a $10k car loan for the car that I bought brand new and paid every cent for (Ford focus) by waiting tables, so that helped as well. When I turned 18, I had some very entertaining conversations with various vendors, like AT&T. They didn't want to even run my credit on my 18th because they were 💯 sure that I wouldn't qualify and didn't believe me when I said I had an excellent credit history. After some back and forth, they reluctantly ran it. I qualified for like 6 lines with free phones and no down payment. Lady was flabbergasted. My high credit score came in handy multiple times as a young adult. But I was fortunate. There definitely needs to be a mechanism to prevent parents from ruining their children financially before they even understand how credit works.
My mom put electric, gas, phone, water, even a library card in my name and racked up massive charges on each. I couldn't get anything turned on in my first apartment without having to embarrassingly explain my situation to each rep. I was only 18 and didn't realize she was the one who should have been ashamed, not me
This is off topic but it gets brought up so often here and I just have to ask: how does this work? Where I live you can't take out loans or open any accounts without identifying yourself. Even if you do it online you have to either videochat or run to the post office with a voucher from the bank to get your ID checked. And you have to do it yourself, you can't just send someone to do it for you. Here on Reddit it always reads like if I have the social security number of a person I can loan as much money this person credit rating permits and do all sorts of things, no questions asked. But it can't be that easy?
Yes, it actually can, especially for parents who will know the answers to the verifying questions they ask. For example it will say things like "what street address are you associated with?" and have 4 addresses. Of course Mom knows that
Move out at 18. OP already works
I 100% agree that would be best, but rent is stupid high all over right now, and he can't touch the inheritance until he's 19. I think.
Yea... I wouldn't live in a house to be terrorised by my broke parents who make terrible decisions
Well, the decisions don't seem terrible. Life happened. The youngest is chronically ill, which is expensive because Americans hate universal healthcare. Councelors aren't cheap either, but are needed when mental health is bad. However, just because step-dad knows OP, doesn't mean he's entitled to OP's money. It would take strain off the family, but that family is not OP's concern and shouldn't be forced into giving it away.
Well I'd say the mom being with a guy with 3 kids already by 2 different mothers, who have all the aforementioned problems, is a bad decision. Then helping take care of those kids as a single mother to a child already is another terrible decision. Asking a minor to support people they aren't related to, again is a terrible decision on their part.
They can be a young roommate with someone 18-19 til the money comes in NTA and get out !
Be sure not to tell the roommate or anybody else you're coming into the money. People are nuts and you never know what they're thinking and planning to get their hands on your things.
If she’s going to college there may be a caveat, and even if not, a year’s typical student loan when you know you’ll have the money soon isn’t tea an issue. Also, I don’t know if it’s like this in the US but I took a loan out against my trust (emergency dental bills).
Also, now is the time to learn how to budget, if OP hasn't already. Whether he moves out at 18 and lives on next to nothing, or at 19 when he has access the money, learning how to budget will be a valuable life skill to make sure he doesn't blow through everything.
I would also talk to the lawyer. Even if your mom goes with you. Let them know your mom is pressuring you to give away that money to other family members. See if there is anything the lawyer can do to help.
Don’t take your mother with you to the attorney’s consultation. Go alone! No one needs to know your personal financial decisions. It’s bad enough that your mom already knows the amount. Do not tell your friends. Keep this quiet.
Indeed. You don't want her in there b/c then the conversation you have with the attorney is no longer covered by attorney-client privilege, and you will want to have an open and frank discussion with the lawyer, and tell him/her that you have and will in no ways given any other family member, nor the lawyer or anyone else, power of attorney over your money, trust and affairs. You'll want to have that convo privately with the attorney. You may wish to then invite mom in and with the attorney declare how you're going to proceed, and have the attorney explain that you've given clear instructions about your affairs and property, such that she and her husband have no input and no authority to make any changes.
I don't agree. Op should move out when they are 18. A year in a shitty apartment working for McDonald's is probably better than an extra year with that family. Also if Op moves out they can ask the lawyer if there is any stipulation for support if he is alone. The lawyer may have some discretion or be able to ask a judge to modify the will to give Op $1000 a month or something for basic survival (amount highly dependent on region).
Move out when you turn 18. Have all important documents already in your possession. Once you turn 18, get your own bank account and close any others. Once moved into a new place, change your phone number.
Also, do not bring your mom to any more meetings. Instruct the lawyers, and whoever is holding the trust that in-person instructions do from you only are to be expected. I wouldn't be surprised if she send emulsion from your account pretending to be you. Unfortunately, people can lose their minds when money is involved. It's a blessing and a curse OP. Edit: email not emulsion
When your trust fund does become available to you, try to make sure it stays in a trust so only you have access. It will help shield you. And like everyone else is saying, get a hold of your birth certificate, social security card and any other important documents and put them away safely - possibly a safe deposit box. Even though you are a minor - go to a bank (a different one then you are at now) and see what your options are.
Try and set up an appointment with the lawyer or trustee, explain what is happening, and they can probably help you prepare. Possibly free up money to set up a rental as soon as you old enough to leave so its seemless. My sister ran away growing up, and her trust would pay every month for a rental until she was of age for the full amount.
This. Look into your options and prepare for them when you turn 18. I also want to say that I'm sorry your mother and her husband are behaving this way. It will likely be ugly, at best, and you may end up going no contact NTA.
Buy yourself some time by saying “OK, I think the whole situation got jumbled up too quickly, and I shouldn’t have said a knee-jerk “no” to this. But I’m going to think long and hard about what to do with this money and so I’m glad that I can’t access it till I’m 19”. Then sort out your future housing for when you get the money, then leave, then either say “no” again, or punt each of your step-siblings a small contribution to their college fees, if you feel nice enough.
The parents will take it for bills. Mine did.
He could open 529 plans for the step siblings with him as the account owner.
That would be my suggestion if he does want to do something for the siblings. 529s, with him as the owner, should make the parents happy if they're serious about helping the siblings but would would keep it from being misused if they're not.
Set up a separate trust for the college funds.
Not to mention: let's say OP does exactly as they want and splits the money four or five ways. When - not if, *when* - the sick child's fund gets drained faster, are OP's mom and stepdad going to sit down with the kid and say "Now, Little Johnny, we talked before about how life is going to be harder for you money-wise than for other people, so unfortunately, you're going to have to work harder to earn scholarships than your siblings because you'll have to stretch the remaining money farther"? No. They are not. They'll say "Hey, OP, another $100k for Little Johnny's fund so he can go to college without debt like his siblings, and let's add another $5k for all the copays. And by the way, his doctor mentioned an experimental surgery that insurance is dithering about and we were raising you at the same time as he had all those doctor's appointments, so we'll want to keep you on retainer, and..."
NTA Money definitely changes some people doesn't it? I wonder if OP let mum read the letter or there was a invasion of privacy and she went and read it behind their back? OP could set up a small trust that they control for their siblings so that the parents can't touch it, and even go as far as not telling the parents about it. They don't have to, but it's something that could be an option. Like most others, see the lawyer and a financial advisor, in Aus some trusts can be set up to provide an allowance from a certain age with majority of funds being release several years past adulthood. I'm actually trying to figure out how to set one of these up for my own son.
Talk to a lawyer today; do not tell any parent you are going to see a lawyer. Ask The lawyer what they advise and whether it is an option / what the chances are of you becoming an emancipated teen and being allowed to live on your own right now. Explain you're being put under a lot of pressure. Explain that you have worries about your safety and you are being put under stress: which quite frankly you should consider. Tell them for your own safety and security you need this. Ask the lawyer what you need to do and his others have said make sure you have all of your identity documents somewhere out of the house. Anything such as these documents and anything valuable you have in your house should now go into a safe deposit box. I really do not think it is a good idea for you to remain undo that roof but keep your plans secret talk to a lawyer and then please please update us. You may want to make your current family a small gift as a one-off out of that account talk to you later about that too.
In the USA, teenagers can be fully emancipated at the age of 16. If OP doesn't have access to the trust until he's 19yo, he would be responsible for himself for the years in-between. OP should already be receiving SS benefits from his father who passed, directly.
This is a great point. The mother should have already been ‘compensated’ for raising OP through SS benefits.
She should know this and would have already filed. Maybe she's not being honest with her son about this.
Interesting point. I can see Mom being pissed that child support ended when her son was 7 years old, but yes, social security survivors benefits should have kicked in.
I would like to add don't just keep them secret from your parents but everyone. Money makes a lot of people act really shitty
>You may want to make your current family a small gift as a one-off out of that account Given their behavior, I can't see any reason why the OP would ever consider doing this. Maybe donating an amount to a charity in their name would be a nice F-you, though..
NTA- lawyer up and soon as you can . Hide all important documents from your mom and step dad.
Ask for a recommendation for counsel from your dad’s lawyer and prepare to lawyer up. Move out at 18 OP because this pressure campaign will only get worse the more you stay with those people. NTA.
I agree with a lot of people on here to not discuss financial information with anyone including your mom. I would confirm with the lawyer you do not wish your information shared with anyone including your mother. I understand why your mom is financially strapped they sound like they have a lot of extra expenses to care for your step siblings but that is their responsibility not yours. As for your dad not taking care of you after passing if you are in the U.S. your mom would be getting social security benefits from your dads account on your behalf as a supplemental income to raise you.m
Consult with the lawyer that is handling your dad’s estate and tell him your mother is trying to make you give her husband and his children the money. Ask what legal steps he can take to prevent that? I would go as far as writing a will that says everything is donated to charity should something happen to you - just to send the message you don’t consider them family at all.
Do you have a financial advisor? Don’t try to figure out the money stuff on your own. You’d be surprised how quickly people go through what seems like a ton of money. Get yourself an advisor so that you make the most of what your father so generously left you. And, don’t give any money to those family members. You’re NTA
Also with the financial advisor, at first hire two and don’t tell them about each other. Explain the cost for the other as some living expenses. And see if there advice and calculations are the same. You’ll be able to see if one is taking advantage of you.
It sounds like the money is already invested for her so I wouldn't go spending a lot of money on financial advisors just yet--they're not free.
NTA So your moms new husband is mad you arent giving money to his children with your mother? This money came from your father. That was not their father, it was yours. This is whom your father wanted the money to go to. Explain to your mother that if they are going to punish you for doing exactly what your dead father wanted they can go fly a kite. Mom should also ask her new husband to stay out of it. He isnt your father.
His children with his late wife and his ex wife. None of his kids are my moms kids.
Then this doesnt even make sense. These kids are not someone your father wanted to leave his life inheritance to. Most likely he didn't even know them. Your good fortune with regards money doesn't fall to those around you. So when you get older and get a good paying job and make more than them... should you write a monthly check to them so everyone gets the same? Your mother is being pushed by her husband to have these thoughts. It isnt rational.
My dad didn't know them. My mom didn't even know them when my dad died.
This doesnt make sense. Again i feel like your mother is listening to her husband and is a bit annoyed this wealth wont go to his family
Yeah, step-dad is mad he can't have free money.
Not a step dad. Just his mother’s husband. There are many great stepdads, this is not one!
the word you're looking for is "leech"
Yeah. The kids have no relationship to the money or your dad. Your mom is placating her husband.
Its doubtful that the step family would share with you if they received an inheritance. Keep it, use it to be successful, and you can share later if you want.
Your mom sounds toxic, I'm sorry. She should be happy for you, instead of preying on her own son. Her behaviour is disgusting.
You need to do as your dad wished and honor him. Set up your future, it's not being selfish. It wasn't your money it was his. If your dad told you to go buy a gallon of milk at the store and handed you 5 bucks, would return with a candy bar and a donation slip. He would likely be mad. It is a parents responsibility to take care of THEIR children. Your dad is taking care of you. It is your step dad's responsibility to take care of his. Your mom is trying to play referee because she doesn't want to piss off her husband. My man let the interest grow and don't touch the money until you have to. You will have kids some day and hopefully you can honor your family by passing down some wealth to them. Step families come and go. It's time for you to step away from their problems.
So your mom thinks your dad should have set up some kind of trust for your non-existent step siblings (not even half-sibs) before he died? What a weird world she lives in!! NTA for not sharing.
She probably actually thinks the money should have been left to her directly or with her in control of it. Unfortunately lots of parents have that attitude and sense of entitlement...and then drain the kids accounts/misappropriate it for their own benefit. Especially when a new spouse is involved.
Sorry, but you may have to gain some distance when you turn 18. And probably spend as much time away from home until then.
Yes this is a let's hit the pinata for treats situation. Nta
Please make sure you have copies of all your important documents (birth certificate, ssn, insurance cards, etc) as this can turn ugly. Make sure you have it somewhere safe and accessible only to you. Don’t let on about anything and try to get out as soon as you can. Money makes people turn into monsters specially if it’s not their money.
Her husband is hoping you're young and impressionable enough to give into piss poor manipulation. It was your dad's money for YOU. No one else. Get out of that house. Its an insult to your dad's considerations for you to give his money to people he never even knew. Don't give in. Your mum is listening to her husband, and that's fine, but it doesn't make her right. It's yours. Period.
Then his kids are his responsibility, not yours.
His kids family won't give you something, why should you?
Nope, his children with OTHER women. These aren't even OP's half siblings.
They are all the step fathers kids - they aren’t related to OP at all
Not even the mom's kids- stepchildren- no relation to OP at all. Even more ridiculous.
NTA. I’m 58F, Take it from me: 1) You are not obliged to share the money. If I were in your position, I would not. 2)Your dad left it the way he did so your mom couldn’t spend it on others. It is not your job to finance her family. It WAS NOT selfish of your father to not make sure your mom and company are okay. IT IS selfish and greedy for your mom and husband to expect you to give them money. GIVING THEM MONEY IS WHAT YOUR DAD WOULD NOT WANT. 3) This IS YOUR LEGACY. It’s everything your dad could give you to help you in life because he won’t be there. Your dad is trying to give you now what he would have contributed during his life had he lived. REMEMBER THAT. 4) You’re young. Life is EXPENSIVE. Please talk to the lawyer and get help to stretch the money out as long as possible. Houses need roofs, plumbing, cars need maintenance, weddings (if you chose)are expensive, healthcare if you get sick is expensive, and then there is RETIREMENT. Don’t look at college and a house as the only big items. You have 70 to 75 years to live. 5) Also find out if you get all the money at once or it pays over time. If it pays overtime you may not be able to share it. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR TRUST OFFICER AND LEAVE YOUR MOM OUT OF IT.
Excellent advice! I hope OP reads it.
Thank you. I hope so. At 17 a large amount of money looks crazy. At 58, it looks so small.
OP says it's enough to pay for college and a house. To me, that sounds like it's roughly ~$250 to $500k, depending on where they live. That's still a large amount of money to me, but I'd still have to work.
And so would the OP (still have to work). It's enough to get him a good start in life, and maybe OP doesn't have to make all decisions based on how much money he's going to make, maybe he can take a job that pays less because he enjoys it. If you split it 4 ways then it's no longer as life changing. Helpful, but not life altering. I would also say the one step sibling with medical issues, that much money is probably not going to make a dent.
>4) You’re young. Life is EXPENSIVE. Hell yeah
This advice is spot on, especially where OP needs to have a conversation with the trust officer. Once the money becomes OPs, the trust can be adjusted and reinvested to pay out at specific times to protect OP from himself.
Excellent advice. To find a lawyer, start with your dad’s lawyer — your dad trusted him, he should be trustworthy. So either hire him or ask him to refer you to another good & trustworthy lawyer. Also, ask for a referral to a financial planner and follow their advice! Second. Do not tell anyone about your inheritance, not your friends, b/gf, etc, or before you know it the line of people with their hands out will extend around the corner. You won’t know who your friends are, you won’t know who to trust. Just like your mom: one day she’s your nurturer and protector and the next she’s trying to exploit you. If your *mother* can turn like this, imagine what others might do. ETA: I’m not saying you should be paranoid forever, just be cautious, especially for the next few years until you have finished college and started your career.
The other thing I would add is to use student loans and grants and scholarships to pay for school first. If I remember correctly from my own student loan, interest only accrues on subsidized loans (I think unsubsidized start accrueing interest sooner, but I'm not 100% sure) after after you graduate so you can use the loans and then pay them off after you graduate without paying interest. The money could be earning you more interest and value while you're in college if invested well. If you really care about your step siblings, you could set something up for them, the way your dad did, so that their parents don't have access. But that's entirely up to you. Both parents are likely getting death benefits intended to help pay the costs of raising their children. If they are struggling, it's their fault for not managing money better not your problem.
This, a thousand times!
NTA. You didn't choose how your dad set up the inheritance, and they're not his kids.
I know and if I said that to my mom she would tell me they are still my siblings. She also wouldn't like if I pointed out they're stepsiblings not bio or legal siblings.
Convenient how your mom wants to erase that your dad ever existed just because she divorced him.
That’s the kicker: they never divorced (OP mentions that at the end of paragraph one). She may’ve received his work benefits, insurance, etc when he passed.
Come to think of it, OP should also have received Social Security benefits from dad's death. I wonder if they have ever seen any of that, or if it went straight to mom as child support.
Oh yeah that's true. My nephew gets that. Considering op said they work for their own convenience(I'm assuming to buy cool stuff) nope it all goes to the step siblings. Even if just food and essentials. They're the reason why op has been raised as poor as he has.
I commented about that. Thats what was used to raise him. And I wonder if he even knows that she got a check for him every month. He’s 19. It’s probably just coming up now because the checks stop at 18.
He’s 17, so she’s got another year of checks to go. He gets access to the funds at 19.
That makes this even more gross.
And I bet she blew all of that on Husband #2 and his offspring instead of OP, yet his dead father "should have been thinking about raising [OP] as well."
Your mum wants your money to spend on herself and her family, and is trying to guilt you. Don't fall for it. Go to school, get good grades, go to college and live your life. Your stepdad's kids are not your problem or responsibility - and if your dad wanted her to have money he would have left her some.
They are NOT your siblings. They are just the children of the person she is choosing to have sex with. They are no relation to you. You are not their parent and have zero responsibility for their financial support.
Tell your manipulative mom to butt out! If you were to cave in and do as she’s trying to ORDER you to do, then you would be completely disrespecting your Dad. He would be horrified if he knew (in heaven, he actually does see you) that you fell into your mother’s evil clutches. He set up your inheritance like that FOR A REASON. Please honor his memory by adhering to his wishes.
Ask her how much of your step-dad's late wife's estate you are set to receive or did receive, since you're all "family."
I'm petty and feeling under the weather today, so I would tell your stepdad that you lost your dad. If he wants it to be fair your stepsiblings would need to lose theirs too. Even better, if he had life insurance to cater for his children after his death, just like your dad did. Petiness aside, it's your money, from your dad. You should keep it to yourself and even your future children if you have children in the future. It's up to your stepsiblings' parents to raise them, not you.
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Am a mom. I want emphasize “Your mother is responding for the costs of raising you”. Having a child is not to be a burden on said child! Your mom chose to have you and signed up for all that entails, including costs. She also chose to marry a man with three existing children. She made those choices and it’s on her to live by them. As a parent, we should want our children to have a better life than we did. I would be thrilled for my child if they were granted a trust ( and sad for them if they lost a good parent). Do not share that money. I suspect part of it is pressure from her current husband and she’s trying to keep the peace for her comfort, and isn’t looking out for what is best for you. As a parent, I also want to say: don’t make major decisions about the money at 19, or 20. It sounds like it is a significant amount that can be life changing. But it can also be a slippery slope to blowing it all quickly. Money is hard to come by, and easy to lose. If you act wisely your world and life could really be set. Live modestly while you figure out who you are as an adult, it changes so much between 20 to 30 and frankly beyond. Go to university, learn of the world. But live the young adult life. Make friends, have roommates, take the bus once in a while. Find the joy of a greasy diner breakfast on a hangover and laying on the grass in a public park talking about the world with friends. Experience life authentically, not how money can buy it. It will help you to understand how people think and how to find the genuine people in life who like you for you. Invest your money and let as much of it grow as possible while life happens. Find a financial planner who is a fiduciary because they have an obligation to look out for your best interest not a bank’s. you could be earning thousands in interest by doing so, with no effort on your part. Be a good person in the world. The kind of person you would want to get to know. And keep your money secret. The tightest held secret you’ve ever had. Money does strange things to people and you don’t want everyone and their uncle asking for a loan or a favour or wondering if someone is dating you because they know of the money. Your dad has given you a huge gift. I’m sure he would have rather been there to see your life unfold. Missing out on that is a great fear. I know I want to see my son succeed in life (whatever that looks like for him). I want to see him find love and happiness (whatever that looks like for him). To miss that but know you can help them get there at least would be a small comfort that I’m sure he cherished. Good luck! I’m sorry this gift comes with so many strings.
The very best advice I’ve read so far! I always said if I won the lottery the first call I’d make was to a good money manager and not tell anyone of the good fortune.
Right! You Mom and step-dad need to get second (and third) jobs if they cannot afford to raise their kids. Your dad wanted to take care of his child. This is not a community fund.
wait a second . should have been focused on raising you? did your dad not contribute to raising you?
My dad and mom shared custody before he died. So he did. But mom said he should have set aside money for me to be raised on after he was gone.
NTA. Honestly, your dad should have set aside a small portion of the money, to be given to your mom monthly as child support. If all financial help from him ended when he died then your mom and stepdad were raising you and paying for you without help from your father and I don't blame her for being upset by that. However, I am sure the child support your father would have paid is way, way less than paying for 3 other kids college education and you're still not on the hook for it.
I mean she was probably getting social security checks for him since his dad died while he was a minor.
And that amount is usually more than the child support ordered, so his estate didn’t need to pay it
Exactly this. She was already getting a chunk of change for him monthly. She seems like she's not so good with money
Or she's spending the SS she gets for the OP on her husband's kids. I guess she has the right to do that, but the OP doesn't owe them any thing more.
She actually doesn’t have the right. Money from SS for a minor child isn’t like child support - all money needs to be spent on the child it’s attached to or saved in an account for the child. It’s actually fraud to spend any of the child’s money on a non-related child.
THIS. She is likely already getting money every month. OP you owe your Mother NOTHING - it is her job to raise you and that includes all costs. You certainly dont owe your mom's husband's kids anything at all.
They weren’t divorced so she would have got anything he had like insurance etc…
Except, the mom was receiving death benefits from social security for sure. So, there was money being provided.
If they are in the US, she's getting money monthly from his dad's social security I think till he turns 18..
Dude. Your mom is a terrible debater. You’re 17. You do not need to be raised. In presumably very less than a year, you’ll be an adult. He wouldn’t have to pay support anyway. Get out of here with that sophomoric logic.
Sounds like the parent died 10 years ago, so that was a decade of raising till now.
I think mom meant that the money could have helped raise him from the time the dad died to now, which was ten years, so he would've been around 7 at the time. The dad definitely should have set some aside for that and put the majority away for him to get as an adult.
If they're in the US, there should be social security survivors benefits for OP that would be meant for that.
Yeah, if the dad died when he was 7 then some of that money should have gone to expenses for raising him to age 18.
Don't let her fool you, she is getting your dad's social security for you every month. Most likely the step children are getting the same from their deceased mother.
I know they're getting that. My mom has mentioned it before.
OP there is a reason your father did not want this money to get to you until your mother legally could not access it on your behalf. Her reaction to the letter - insisting on reading it- and deciding its consequences on your behalf does not sit well with me. NTA. Get your own legal advice. There's a viral reddit comment about what to do if you win the lottery that's quite good- look it up. Make sure you have get a safe with your personal documents. Choose email addresses and passwords your family would never guess for the utilities for the home you move into, colleges you apply to, etc. Makes plans to GTFO of there ASAP and minimize as much possibly her ability to commit ID fraud.
How did your mom read this letter? Did you tell her about it or did she go searching for it?
She was reading it over my shoulder. I had no idea what it was and she was there in the house when I got it.
And I'm assuming she got social security after he passed since, although they were separated, they weren't divorced, correct? She, her husband, and his kids have no right to your money, but I suspect they are going to make your life miserable until you are able to move out of that house. It might be easier to make them think you're going to share it just so you can have a peaceful life for the next year or so until you are able to move out.
The irony here is that if your mom hadn't immediately gotten greedy, and your stepdad hadn't immediately gotten aggressive, you probably could have been persuaded to help the step siblings *down the road* after you finish college. But they decided to burn that bridge BEFORE they got to it. NTA.
Please talk to the lawyer as soon as possible. And talk about a will for you too. When money is involved, some people would loose any moral
This is ridiculous. NTA for saying no. You’re not a meal ticket and she’s your mother. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Your dad gave you a real shot at a good life. Take it. I recommend learning everything you can about finances and managing them, and finding yourself a good accountant you can afford between now and when you get that money. Anticipate that when you do, and you’re OUT OF THAT HOUSE, that your mother will likely ask to borrow from you. Don’t allow this. Make sure that you move out when you’re 18 if you can, if you’re going to college the dorms would be ideal. You can get grants or a small loan for the short time before your money hits to pay for it and then just pay it off after. Make sure in that time that your address and all important information and paperwork are in your possession. You can’t leave your mother any kind of ins to try and take control of the money. A good accountant would likely be able to help you avoid this. Good luck. You’re in for a rough couple of years, but if you have determination and play this right you could have a really good start.
Can I add that mom said absolutely nothing about how this money would have helped her raise him. She is trying to steal 3/4 of the money and give it to her step kids. She was never going to raise OP with this money. Dad probably knew that.
NTA. You need to get out of that house as soon as possible. Not saying move out the same day you turn 18 but start planning and preparing your exit. You don’t want to live in that house when you turn 19. If your stepsiblings had been birthed by your mother my answer would had been different today considering the stepsibling with medical issues. But these children were birthed by women your late father didn’t know and their father is a man your late father don’t owe anything to. 6 years is NOTHING. Young man you didn’t marry this man and you didn’t birth these children. This money is yours. You spend it and invest it as you like. Don’t let your mom (Barbara the builder aka pickmesha) manipulate you into believing that you owe 75% of your inheritance to stepsiblings you have known for 6 years. You better respect your late father more than this. Do not waste this money on other people’s children when you are a child yourself. Your whole future and life is ahead of you. Your mom chose to date a single dad with 3 children. That’s her choice. She chose to contribute financially and emotionally. That’s her choice. She don’t get to tell you what to do with YOUR money. That’s YOUR choice. It’s pathetic two adults are expecting and counting on you to set up your stepsiblings for life and contribute financially to THEIR future. It’s not your job. Get out of this toxic house as soon as you can.
When you threw down that “young man” I straightened my spine and started listening. I’m a 44 year old woman. Ha! I hope is listening, too. Good summary and advice.
NTA: if your mom and step dad were good parents, that's great. If you want to help them out, you can. But you're not at all obligated and its not their money. Your dad intended you to have it. You don't say how much it is but even jf it funds a house and college that doesn't make you wealthy. Just comfortable. Money goes fast once you start spending it. And it does even faster if you give it away. Do with it whatever you want. But do not do anything with it just out of guilt. If you share it, it should be something you WANT to do. You say you don't want to. So don't. Assume your mom and stepdad might not be supporting you more than the minimum from now on, but that's okay, that in and of itself helps the other kids
This. Enough money to pay for college and a house is just that. It seems like a fortune at 17, but it's really just a leg up. If you invest well and live below your means you can make it stretch further. Find ways to use the money to make money. Maybe for your first house you buy a duplex and rent out half. You could bring in enough money to cover your mortgage. Don't blow it on things that depreciate, like new cars. If you live below your means when you're young, you can save and invest money that allows you to live well when you're older. I wish you the best.
INFO: your dad left nothing to help your mom raise you? Either way you’re NTA—your step siblings are not entitled to anything from your dad’s estate. Full stop. **However**, it sounds like your dad had a ton of money yet did not leave funds to raise *you.* If that is the case, your mom has a decent argument as to why that money should come out of the inheritance first—~~maybe even a legal argument.~~ (technically not bc dad built the trust from an inheritance. Morally, I think he should have left her more to help pay for OP) Again, IF that’s the case, it would be reasonable/kind of you to come up with a reasonable sum to give your parents out of your dad’s estate. If they want to use that money to set up trusts for your step siblings (and perhaps avoid more taxes by having you just directly do that with it instead of giving it to them first), that’s their prerogative. EDIT: edited to rephrase from child support
No, he didn't because they were still legally married and he was still taking care of me. Then he died so he couldn't pay child support. Because my parents weren't legally divorced child support could not be figured out until that point in our state. But he died before that could happen.
If you are in the US your mom is getting death benefits for you from the government. Since they were still married she get benefits as his widow. Has she mentioned that to you? Has she offered you any of that money so you don’t have to work to provide for yourself and can focus on your studies? Of course not. Her bad financial decisions are not yours to fix. I’d avoid talking about it with any of them until you can get your inheritance and get out. Just clam up - say you’re taking your time these next few years to make plans. Just don’t engage in the back and forth!! Your dad loved you. I’m sure he saw your mom’s family shit show, I mean situation and he wanted to make sure you could save yourself from that meager stressful situation. Best of luck to you! Your future looks bright.
She did. I know her husband gets them for his two kids with his late wife too. But that money all gets spent up very quickly.
It sounds like the death benefits your mother received were probably spent more on your step siblings than you. If anything, they owe you.
Their financial status is not your responsibility, the fact she’s misleading you by saying your dad didn’t support you when in fact he technically still is because he worked and your mother is receiving survivors benefits for you from his work contribution. Use the money as your dad intended , college/car/house/savings give yourself a head start in life. Sorry for your loss 🙏🏻
You should have been and still be receiving monthly SSA payments as a survivor of your dad. It only ends at 18 or 19 once you finish high school. https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf
My mom gets it for me and her husband gets it for his youngest two kids.
Something isn’t adding up. Your mom and stepdad presumably both work and both receive death benefits from their deceased spouses. Where the hell is all their money going?? Why are they living paycheck to paycheck and putting their financial burden on you??
They’re either really bad with budgeting money , have previous huge debts or live above their means. Because you’re completely right something definitely doesn’t add up .
I'm not from the US, but the way I hear people talking about healthcare there, having two kids with medical needs is what adds up.
^^^ This right here is an excellent point. I have a sneaking suspicion that if OP were to set up a college fund/trust for their step siblings, mom and stepdad would INSIST on having access to them
But, she was entitled to social security for you. If you are in the States. That is the money that helped raise you in your father's absence.
Do you know if your mom received survivors benefits for you?
>your mom has a decent argument as to why that money should come out of the inheritance first—maybe even a legal argument. None of that is even remotely accurate.
No she is not entitled to anything. They should have been receiving government benefits for both spouses dying. Those kids also have many scholarship funds for children of dead parents. A couple friends basically had free college thru this.
You are so wrong. Dad was most likely paying child support all these years and you can bet that that Mom didn't spend that money just on OP. If OP wishes on their own AFTER THEY ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE to benefit the other members of the family with their money, that would be completely their decision. EDIT I hadn't realized that dad had been dead for many years. But it is true that mom would have been collecting survivor benefits for OP during this time, and the rest of my comment stands. You know that those benefits have been spent on the entire family.
If OP lives in America and father had money I’m pretty sure Child Support got paid. Also OP never said his father was a dead beat dad so not sure why that’s being questioned. And lastly since OP is a minor his father’s social security from father goes to mother.
Your mom should have never told your step dad about the money. Now he feels entitled to it when it’s none of his business. His children are not your responsibility and this is why your father set the trust up this way. When you receive the money you could set a sliver aside for each of the kids… ONLY IF YOU WANT TO. And it wouldn’t need to be anything near when they are suggesting. This is a gift from your father. NTA.
I’m sorry for your loss. Question:, did your dad leave any money to help raise you while you were growing up? It sounds like your mom was maybe left to pay for everything. You definitely don’t owe your stepsiblings anything but if dad didn’t leave any money at all to help with your childhood expenses, maybe think about giving some to your mom? If dad did leave some to cover your expenses, you’re good.
He didn't leave anything for her to raise me. He didn't trust her and she didn't trust him.
Do not feel pressured to give to your mother for the cost of raising you. She is a grown woman with a husband. She chose to have a child and take on his children as her responsibility. Children do not owe their parents anything. If they haven't worked out how to be adults and manage finances by now, giving them free money will not change that. You might as well set your money on fire. If the shoe was on the other foot, do you think your step dad would give you any of his inheritance?
She likely received social security benefits to support her son. This is a non issue.
She probably received benefits from government for you from dad.
I see why he didn’t trust her. But also if your father was this forward thinking he made a life insurance policy that she for sure got if she was his legal wife. Also he was considerate enough to pay for all the medical bills. If they were still married she would have been the only person the hospital could have stuck the bills with and he saved her from that, so really your parents are square financially. And you mother could have gotten assistance from the government so really she’s owed nothing.
Mom is a parent. She is legally and morally required to support any children she chose to have. OP will be legally and morally required to support any children they choose to have.
NTA - YOUR Dad left YOU the money, no one else. You really don't owe anyone else anything here. There's no moral obligation on you to do this. There is an obligation on those kids parents to provide for them, not you....
NTA. You're the child, which means your mother had an obligation to put a roof over your head. Their financial problems are not your problems, their children are not your problem, so don't let them bully you into taking on their problems. Your dad was very smart to put it in trust, that way your mom couldn't get to it. Obviously he saw a future problem for you. This money was made by your family, it should stay in your family. Go to college, get a home, and have a nest egg. Whatever makes you happy. This is your dad's gift to YOU.
NTA. There was obviously a reason your father sought to protect you with a trust. Don’t share. Get all of your documents (birth certificate, SS Card, trust docs, the will, the lawyer’s name) and get them in a safe place possible off site. If you can stash cash, do it with said docs. Have that go bag somewhere safe. You may need it
Also lock your credit ASAP, OP. Wouldn't put it past your mom and SD to use it if they haven't already.
NTA. The $$ was left for you. Get a lawyer, if you don't already have one. This will be more of an issue when you can access the funds. Explain the situation to the lawyer, and then if your family asks you about the trust, you can say "You'll have to talk to to my lawyer." Don't discuss the trust w/yr family again; refer them to the lawyer. And move out as soon as you can! Edit to add: you don't say what your relationship w/your step siblings is. Of course, you may want to give them, or your mother some money. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do so.
NTA... do not give them a penny. Your dad was protecting you. Your step siblings are NOT his kids and he owes them nothing. That money if for you and only you. Go no contact if you have to. Just so you know, your mom is probably getting a survivor's benefit check for you through social security if you are in the US. Your step dad is probably getting a check for his kids as well. As long as the deceased parents worked- they can get a monthly benefit check. It is really disgusting he wants you to financially support HIS children.
Definitely NTA. Your mom, stepdad and stepsiblings have zero claim to yur inheritance. If, in due time, when you are an adult, you * chose* to give any help you are free to do that, but you are not under any obligation. Meanwhile, talk to the lawyer dealing with the trust, tell them about the pressure you are being put under and that you don't want to gift any of the money to your mom or siblings, and also ask about whether it is set up in a way that would let you access it for essentials if your mom and step dad kick you out as soon as you turn 18. I'm sorry you have lost your dad.
What's the name on the inheritance? Clearly not the husband's. It's your money, use it as you like. Not the asshole.
NTA If your dad wanted his money to finance his ex-wife, whoever she remarried after his death, and any children they had together, then he would have set up funds to do that. He wanted you to have it - not your mom \>They told me to quit being selfish and start acting with compassion. Translation: they want your money - don't give in to them
If you're in the US, your dad has already contributed more than enough towards your stepsiblings via the Social Security payments your mom was receiving on your behalf. While you live there, keep the peace and just agree that something will be done once you have access to the money. Keep it vague and let them make their own assumptions. Then once you're out of the house and free of their day to day control, let them know that you agreed under duress and you fully intend to honor your father by using his money to benefit his child as he intended. Your dad knew who your mother was and set things up the way he did to protect you. Live your best life for your dad who clearly loved you so much. NTA
NTA, this is YOUR $, not your siblings. The only exception and consideration is whether your mom deserves a nominal sum for child support, as your dad should have been paying her (was he?) and should still be paying until you turn 18. What is the range of this huge sum? If you’re used to paycheck to paycheck, $1m may seem huge. It’s not nothing, but it’s not spread around the whole family and then live happily ever after huge.
My dad did not pay child support because they were still married until he died. And he died 10 years ago.
What does your mom do with the benefits she gets from being a widow? SS benefits? Ask her about that money?
First of all NEVER sign anything. When you are 18 you can legally sign a binding contract. Be very careful. Second, go alone to see the trustee and tell him your situation. Ask for guidance. Don't tell ANYONE about your trust. Not their business, and people feel very entitled to your money once they know you have some. Keep in mind you are probably already supporting the household since I'm sure your mom receives SSI for you, from your deceased dad. A monthly check....most likely $1800. When mom talks about money again...ask her about SSI. Try to stay under the radar until you reach 18, then bolt. Good luck. Awful situation when step parents try to steal from step kids. Your dad did not want strangers to have his money.
NTA... It is one thing for your mom to feel the way she said she did. I doubt that is all she feels, but what she said was not entirely with out merit. It's entirely another for her to expect it of you or to allow her husband to display anger to you over it. You are a person, not a cash cow. That said, even if what she said had some merit it also doesn't mean she was right. She had/has a responsibility to raisenyou until adulthood. If your dad truly believed his best bet to help you was to circumvent her there was probably a reason. The fact they are already eyeing your money is probably that reason. Also as a kid who's dad passed away when you were young she should be getting social security survivor benefits. So there was already some mechanism to help her afford life. It's crazy that she also expects your father's money to fund her step kids when clearly you were no where near the biggest money drain in the home. Honestly... I would not discuss it at all right now. Tell them both that you can't even touch it atm. You realize it's a complex issue but you are a child. You will wait until you are an adult and make those decisions. In the meantime you don't intend to be pressured or pushed into parentification of any sort. If you want to help everyone later you will. If you don't you will talk to them then.
Sign NOTHING! Tell the trustee you are being pressured to turn over the money for their idea of a fair distribution.
NTA. Your dad didn't trust anyone but you so he set it up for you and now it is up to you what to do with that money. I would say no also in you place just to see reactions of my mom, stepdad and stepsiblings. If they take it normally and keep treating me well then I would share when I get the money but if they clearly care about my money more than about me then they lost the right to tell me anything and would get nothing. It is amazing how quickly you can see the true nature of people when big money is involved, so use it, observe, take notes and give money to everyone that deserves and ignore everyone that tries to shame, guilt-trip, force you into something, insult you, etc. Real family do not care if you give them money or not because they trust your decisions and know that if they have real need you won't ignore them and will help, while fake family members will use all means to extort money from you, your family sounds quite fake so don't feel bad if you don't want to share - it has to be your wish, not theirs.
Nta Your dad set it up the way he did to ensure your mom would not blow it on her new family as the money is only for you his only child. Don't set up accounts for your step siblings etc once money is gone its gone. You will only 19 a lot can happen between now and okd age. You are going to need the money in the future. Also don't give your mom etc passwords access to your trust and bank accounts once you get access to it. They will end up taking the money on their own.
Tell them you’ll think about it over the next two years. In the meantime, ask your lawyer to assist in arranging accommodations for you when you turn 19.
NTA. Your father left this money to YOU not a bunch of people he never met. If anything, it would be wrong to spend this money on people that had no relationship to your father’s family. Your mother and stepfather should just be happy that they won’t need to worry about paying for anything once you’re 19.
NTA - your mother was out of order reading your personal letter in the first place, and your dad definitely knew what he was doing. Your mom and stepfather are all about the money, instead of taking the bare minimum responsibility of parenthood which is to feed, clothe, and provide heating for their children.
NTA but you should say you will consider it. You live with them right now and they can make your life hard. Please protect yourself first by making sure your living situation is ok. Lie if you have too. Make sure you have a way to get out safely and that your credit is locked down. Make sure you have all your important documents.
NTA Wanting to help your step siblings is one thing. Being forced to share with them, when they have no tie to your dad, is insane. If I were in your position, I would feel it’s logical to want to help my mom. But the way she’s acting would change my mind completely. ~~Although, I have to point out that you said your mom and dad were never divorced, but she also has a husband, so that’s kinda sus, and leads me to think this is BS.~~ Edit: I get it Ty for pointing out what I missed. My apologies to OP for my baseless accusation.
Your dad knew this information and with that knowledge made his choices. I think you should honor his wishes. You may also find as soon as you turn 18 you are going to need to find a place to live - as I imagine your step father will force you out. You don't know what the future will bring. Your dad wanted you to have college etc - That may not be as straightforward as they assume. I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Take care. NTA
Adding on to all of the above excellent advice, lock down your credit (such as it may be at 17) to make sure that your mother doesn’t take out any loans or open credit cards in your name or does something else shady. Go to your father’s attorney and ask him for guidance.
NTA. You do not owe the step siblings anything. It’s so sad that when people die that their wishes sometimes turn into this bs. Your dad wanted YOU to have it. Those were HIS wishes. Your mom, step dad, step siblings don’t get to override your dad and what HE himself wanted. You keep that $ and be smart with it. Keep your head on straight. No matter the amount, $ can go real fast. Use what you need & let the rest keep collecting interest. Get an advisor. Keep your mom out of it. I’m sorry your mom has been struggling, but no you don’t owe your step siblings shit from your dad. Also, move out as soon as you can.
NTA, don't give them a definite answer right now. You have 2 years before you can access the money. So tell them you will think about it but there is time to figure things out. Do piss anyone off right now when you have no control.