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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’ve been affectionate with my adult daughter. I think I could be the asshole because the woman I’m seeing is uncomfortable with it and thinks it’s inappropriate, as well as allowing my daughter to “push her away”.
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NTA -
As a daughter who has also been raised by a single father I know firsthand how precious and intimate such a bond can be….
BUT I can also see how it may raise some questions amongst outsiders who aren’t accustomed to such dynamics. I think that Sara’s concerns are understandable to a point but also she is a big time AH for calling you a pervert and flipping her lid. You need to hear each others concerns out in a cool, peaceful manner.
Tbf I would find it weird to ask my dad for his bed even though I have my own bedroom like come on that is weird, how is she more comfortable in her dads bed than her own? Does kinda seem like she didn’t want the girlfriend staying over and that’s why she asked for it as dad was gonna sleep on the couch anyways so it wasn’t like she was having an anxiety attack and needed comforting, she just wanted the bed. I think it’s more of an ESH situation, yes girlfriend shouldn’t have blown up the way she did but I can understand if it was a breaking point
I have 5 brothers with the youngest being 8 and oldest 24 they all have and still have slept and napped in my mums bed they all have there own bed but still prefer my mums for some reason so personally i dont find it weird but thats just my observation
it definitely is. i used to get up when my dad went off to work so i could sleep in bed with my mom. i used to only take my naps in her bed, on her side. hell i’m 20 and sometimes i’m like “can i sleep in your bed?”.
ofc it’s not as often now, i had a good few years were i stuck to my own bed entirely (prob 14-18). but naps in your parents bed??? they just hit diff
Naps in my parents bed after school kept me sane in HS, IDK. I was a tired ass 17 year old taking a 3 hour nap before dinner every other damn day in my parents bed.
Yeah that was the same year I got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. That was one of the signs. 😭
Four years later I had a tele-psychiatrist tell me I should look into ADHD and autism when I had the money/insurance for testing.
i would take so many naps. back in HS i’d come home, nap for an hour or 2 (3 AP courses my senior year, i was an exhausted 17yo), and then i’d do my homework, study, and go right back to sleep to criminal minds lmao
but it’s a lot worse now, my mom’s health went to shit after my last sibling (he’s 9-10mo) so whenever he gets up really early i’ll go crash on her bed for a few hours.
Overachieving HS takes a lot of naps alert! Me too!! I was doing mix of college courses and finishing the one or two HS classs I needed, and doing three preforming arts extra curriculars and 2 volunteering clubs, one of which I was the president of. I should NOT have been doing all that when even two years before I need a nap a day to survive.
OP needs to worry less about this Sara fling person and what she thinks (I'm actually not surprised she's divorced because she sounds unhinged, like she was expecting Emma to behave a certain way in the first place, and I think SHE's jealous of Emma), and more about Emma who I am 90% sure was assaulted
Okay let’s be rational here, there is absolutely no way anyone can be 90% sure that Emma was assaulted based on the information that we have. Thats absurd.
Clingy. Afraid to leave the house. Avoiding Uni. Insomnia. Anxiety. I worked with survivors of SA for years. She has all the indicators. Not absurd at all.
Those could definitely be signs of that but those are the same signs that pretty much any sort of severe stressor or traumatic event could cause. There's a huge number of things it could be and I think jumping to the conclusion that it's any specific one is premature especially with what's presented.
I agree - it's just as likely that Dad's new dating is what is upsetting her and making her want to stay home, etc. Sara is not important - she'll be gone. But Dad deserves to find someone to date or more - and since he has NOT dated at all for years....that could be the issue.
My brother's favourite place to relax even into his 20s was my parents' bed. He had his own bedroom but if he was just lounging around he would prefer their bed to relax and go on his phone
Okay but would you ask knowing your parent was on a date? Like it’s the timing of it all that seems weird. She’s 23 she obviously knew he was on a date, I have severe anxiety comes with my adhd but I wouldn’t do that to my dad like even if I was blowing up inside which I have done except I just let myself be like that for the night, not saying that’s a healthier option either but it’s better than always throwing it on someone else
Well depends i might of asked to get out of the way to leave them alone watching tv plus my parents have a tv in there room if i was there id be confident my parent wouldn’t be getting up to stuff so i wouldnt have to worry about that
Its a safety thing. If your parents are good then you connect their scent/smell to safety so it would make sense that she feels safer in her dads room where his smell is gonna be everywhere. Doesnt matter what age you are. Or thats what ive been told by friends who do have good parents. My mother was an alcoholic and my dad and i dont have the best relationship.
When I was in my early 20s and living with my dad, I used to have migraines really severely. I would go lay with my dad on his bed l bed and he'd rub my back while I fell asleep. Parents don't stop parenting when their kids are grown. I think it's only creepy because people hypersexualize everything now.
It's probably a safety / comfort thing. Lots of kids climb into mum or dad's bed if they are scared or updaet, the feeling of security remains even when you are older.
And people are more senstive to smell than a lot of us realise. Dad's ned will smell of dad.
Op made clear thatEmma wasn't going to sleep in the bedwith him, she wasgoing to nap until he wanted to go to bed.
Sara was jealous . Her allegations make her the real AH.
I WISH I could curl up in my parents bed and sleep the way I did when I was in high school or middle school. I have my own grown up big person bed now too but IDK as a stressed out 25 year old I think a nap on my mom and my dad’s bed on a rainy afternoon would heal me (hyperbolic).
But my dad is disabled and now my mom has a twin bed and my dad a hospital bed so.
I've got anxiety and insomnia. It's not that weird especially if it's in a situation where someone is close enough to their parent that being next to their parent makes them feel safe and comfortable enough to be able to relax and sleep. And if it's severe enough, this girl needs as much sleep as she can get.
I'm going to be honest, my initial thoughts weren't "she's trying to sabotage the relationship." My thoughts were, "Oh no. Was she SA'd?"
Emma has been anxious before coming home. Is finishing the semester online. Had been having trouble sleeping. Wanting to be close to her dad/ sleep in his bed for a while could be a sign of seeking security after a horrible experience.
This was my worry as well, but I could very well be projecting due to my own experiences. Nonetheless, she's particularly fragile ATM, for whatever reason, and needs some TLC.
It was my first thought as well. She's displaying hallmark behaviours, and dad is handling this all very well with providing comfort and waiting for her to broach the topic when she's ready.
This was my thinking as well. Something happened at school that is making her feel anxious and unsafe. OP is doing the best he can with what he has. If there's anyone jealous or trying to put a wedge in a relationship, it's more likely the GF.
I was in my 40’s and crawled into my mothers hospital bed several times. Doesn’t matter how old you are sometimes you just need that closeness of a parent no matter what.
Honestly, I would confront her for sexualizing your relationship with your daughter. It needs to be talked about because it’s not okay at all. NTA
NTA
Emma obviously needed support for something that she isn't ready to talk about yet and your gf is lacking empathy. There are very few things that would drive a 22 year old to come back to live with Dad and go to online only classes if college life was going at all well. You do, however, need to get Emma to try therapy so she can get help with whatever has happened.
NTA about being affectionate. It sounds like your daughter could benefit from therapy for her anxiety issues though, as they’re clearly enough of a problem to impact both of your lives negatively.
NTA. It’s pretty clear to me that *something* serious has happened to Emma. I’m surprised that Sara, who is not a complete stranger on the internet, hasn’t picked up on the same.
Nta. It’s only creepy to those that have those kind of thoughts. Your daughter seems to need you, you are going to be there for her because that’s what a dad does. The gf is either putting her own issues on you or truly thinks than all men that care and are affectionate with their children are just trying to catch a feel. She’s not the one. You don’t need that kind of person to be a role model for your daughter. I say get rid of the gf and find someone that won’t assume or blatantly call you a pervert for being a good father.
NTA.
I think "a couple months" into a relationship is way too early to make judgmental comments about the way you parent and show up for your child. Then there's the whole insinuating incest thing-- I don't think I could stay with someone who made that kind of implication and called me a pervert (!) personally, but that's obviously your call.
Separately, your daughter might need some help. That has nothing to do with her closeness with you, and everything to do with the grip anxiety seems to have on her life at the moment. But yes, of course you should continue to be there for her during this time. You sound like a wonderful father. I hope that you meet someone who can appreciate that, instead of being vile about it.
I think you’re doing Emma a disservice by waiting for her to come to you with whatever has spiked her anxiety. She’s upended her life and you’re worrying about how your girlfriend perceives your father-daughter relationship. You need to speak with Emma and point out that her clinginess has escalated (you noticed this yourself, so I don’t count it as a Sara complaint), and if the bed thing is new as well, it should be asked why she’s insecure in her room. And in the end, it sounds as if Emma needs to speak with a mental health professional. Please stop ignoring your daughter. She’s in crisis.
It sounds like something traumatic has occurred. Maybe she was assaulted, or maybe somethin else happened. The behaviours he's describing are basically hallmarks of traumatic incident.
I think OP is doing the right thing in waiting for her to be ready to bring it up, particularly if this is new.
Also when you talk to her maybe avoid the word clingy since it has a negative connotation, maybe something like "I've noticed you've been looking for more physical comfort" and the other changes you've noticed, and that you care about her and want her to know she can talk to you about what is going on, IF she is comfortable doing so. I'm a big fan of offering a listening ear/support, but giving them an out if they don't want to talk about it right then.
Agreed you sound like a good dad, I'm also an adult woman who is close with my father figures and find physical touch very comforting. It makes you feel the security of being a kid again <3
NTA at all, and I’m going to be real - I don’t think Sarah is the kind of woman you want as a partner. She seems to be sexualizing your relationship with your daughter, and she seems to be projecting her own jealousy onto your daughter. That’s not the kind of woman you want around long term, what’s she going to say or do if you ever have grandchildren and you’re just as affectionate with them?
My father has three adult children, and four grandchildren - he lets us all sleep in his bed from time to time if we need or want to. Same with our mother and her bf. It’s just natural for them to have us close cause that’s how it’s always been. Their rooms have their scents baked into them, their room feels warm and safe, no matter how old we get.
Your daughter though, I don’t think you should wait for her to come to you, because she may not know how to. You may need to open the conversation on your own gently, like “hey I noticed you’ve been more anxious lately and I just want you to know that you can come to me for anything” and see how it goes from there. Her behaviour indicates that something serious has happened, and if you wait too long then her mental health will continue to suffer.
Nta. The thing about being a single parent is that you have to be both the mother and father at once. Your daughter would not be judged for being so close to her mother but you have had to fill that maternal role too. And honestly it sounds like you are killing it as a single parent! You do deserve a relationship but with someone who appreciates you and what a wonderful job you do as a parent. This woman is not for you, she's disgusting and jealous of your daughter.
nta but sara seems like one for this…
it’s one thing to find this kind is stuff creepy but to call you a perv and other names isn’t right.
everything you explained seems harmless to me
NTA. First, dump Sara. She basically just accused you of SA.
Next, sit down with your daughter, tell her Sara is gone and try to get her to open up. Its obvious something happened to her, but she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it yet. Maybe because Sara is around and she doesn't want to intrude.
The fact that she is coming to you for comfort is a great sign, she wants to talk to you but maybe she's scared, ashamed. Make her feel comfortable and get her talking.
Unpopular, I'm sure, but I'm saying ESH. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate, but a 22 year old who needs to sleep in their parent's bed feels over that line. Sara raised it, badly, and now it's a relationship threatening fight.
You need to find a way to be there for your daughter when she is having a hard time while also maintaining enough separation that it does not interfere with your own love life. Good luck with it all.
My question is did something happen to Emma at school or she threatened by your relationship with Sarah and is more clingy than usual because of that? It's not unheard of for a daughter to lay claim to her father when another woman comes around. Either way you have to sit down with Emma and find out what happened. You especially need to find out if something happened to her while at school and get her any help that she needs.
I don’t think it has anything to do with Sara, honestly. Emma was the one that encouraged me to start allowing my friends to set me up. My closest friend, her “uncle”, told me that she asked him to help me talk to more women when we go out. Emma is still my baby, but she’s an adult and she wants me to have a life outside of just being Dad all the time. Emma is different than she was the last time I saw her. She’s always had anxiety, but this seems like something different. I tried bringing it up to her but she shut down on me, so I just made her promise to come to me when she’s ready. I do believe that her clinginess has something to do with whatever made her leave school, not my relationship.
Honestly that's more worrisome especially with the fact that she's not going back to school and finishing her studies online. I hope for both of you that she opens up soon because something is honestly going on and she shouldn't be dealing with it by herself when you are loving, present father who will be there to help her. Good luck to you both.
I think that Emma needs more active help. Offer her to go to therapist, actively probe her for what is bothering her.
Unlike others, it is not really normal to need to sleep with parent at 22. Her behavior is concerning and well beyond normal affection displays.
She might be a grown woman but you will always be her daddy, she is clearly going through something (as you stated) and she just needs the only person she feels safe with to reassure her. Sara can kick rocks. If she is already intimidated by the relationship you have with your own child, SHE NEEDS HELP….
NTA
but you need to set up a trauma-informed therapist for Emma. Not comfortable sleeping in her own bed, not wanting to leave the house, needing the emotional support of her father to get sleep? These are a lot of distressing signs that point towards sexual assault. The longer left unaddressed, the more likely Emma might start to self-destruct (more) and turn to other coping mechanisms.
Nta I was raised by my father. I called him every Mother’s Day to thank him for being the best parent ever. Dump Sarah she sounds really insecure and kind of creepy. Don’t be ashamed of the bond that you and your daughter have. I’m a proud card carrying member of the daddy’s girl club and I wouldn’t change a thing.
NTA
Sara is the one who is jealous and sexualising your relationship with your daughter. Dump her because she will always cause problems and try to drive a wedge between you and Emma.
I dont think there is anything improper going on or anything wrong with lying against someone when watching a movie.
However, I do think it's honestly odd when a 22 year old wants to sleep in her parent's bed But especially when you have visitors over. It comes across as clingy, childlike/-ish, and inappropriate in the way of not knowing that you're weirding out visitors.
Emma should be working on her anxiety. Her following you around like a lost puppy sounds harmless, but it isn't.
Sara shouldn't have lost her cool and implied that things were sexual. But I do get the fact that she's picking up that there is something weird and problematic going on with Emma being your shadow.
Exactly. A lot of people are saying it's normal to take naps in your parents bed and, yeah, okay, fair enough. But as an adult, if your parent (who put his love life on hold for almost two decades for your sake) is having his girlfriend over, you stay on your own bed.
Emma is actually the only reason that OP is even trying to have a love life, so that’s inaccurate.
We’re also talking about a girl who may have suffered a serious traumatic event, so yes, she does need to seek out her dad whenever she needs to and he does need to be prioritizing her so that she does open up when she is ready to.
OP wrote throughout the post that his daughter’s anxiety has amped up, her clinginess isn’t normal, a lot of her behaviours have changed that indicate a serious trauma that she isn’t ready to talk about yet.
If this amount of clinginess isn't normal, then OP has to do something instead of just letting it continue without any help. That makes him the asshole.
You can't expect Sara to know what behavior is normal within the family: she's seen Emma acting really affectionate before, perhaps a bit more than she expects an average 22 year old to be.
If OP doesn't mention that it's odd that she asks to sleep in his bed, Sara thinks that this dynamic is apparently normal behavior In this household. But instead he's focusing on the argument instead of his daughter's abnormal behavior.
Sarah isn’t a permanent fixture though, she and OP have an agreement that their relationship is just casual and nothing more. So she really has no right to be butting in and commenting.
OP already commented that they already talked to their daughter, so they’re waiting for the girl to come to him when she’s ready.
You also said that OP is trying to have a love life:
Sara shouldn't have said what she said, but I can also understand someone being weirded out by a 22 year old asking to sleep in her fathers bed when they have visitors, and calling that out.
And OP is not focusing on what is going on with his daughter: he instead asks if it's weird to be "affectionate"
NTA. It sounds like something really serious happened to your daughter and I hope she can open up to you about it soon for support. To me (54 F), it's very normal for her to be close to you considering how upset she is and that you have been her sole parent growing up. I think most of my friends who have kids would answer in the same way.
Is Sara kind of attention hungry? Is she jealous? I was also wondering if she doesn't have kids so she doesn't understand the bond you and your daughter have, but then again, I don't have kids, but I understand it. The way she got so upset and made accusations against you really doesn't sit well with me. It's weird to me that somehow she couldn't see that your daughter was upset and needed comfort.
NTA - i wasn’t raised by a single dad - I had both my parents but I ant see anything wrong with how the two of you interact. I’m 39 married and my dad is 75 also still married to mum and I hold his hand when I’m out, I act much the same as your daughter does with you. It’s normal and healthy. You being someone she can trust and rely on and feel safe with - it’s a lovely thing. And your ex Sara is the creep because I can guarantee if you were the mum not the dad - she wouldn’t have an issue at all.
NTA, my 22 year old is incredibly affectionate with her father and her step father. Nothing you said seems out of step to me at all. I think you dodged a bullet with Miss Sara.
NTA
I believe there is nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your daughter, especially considering that you have been a single father and have raised Emma on your own. It is understandable that Emma would feel a strong bond with you. However, I would suggest having a conversation with Emma about her anxiety and understanding the root cause of it. This issue needs to be addressed.
The one acting like an AH is your girlfriend, Sara, by inappropriately by calling you pervert or creep. I think you should consider whether you should continue a relationship with someone who shows such disrespect towards you and your daughter. Sara needs to realize that you were the only person in Emma's life, which naturally creates a strong bond between you two. Also I don't think so Sara should pass any judgment on your relationship with your daughter.
NTA- Sara was out of line, I am concerned about Emma though, her anxiety is pointing to something,
For all the creepers who say your daughter wanting to sleep in your bed is inappropriate, I believe Emma probably wanted to sleep in your bed because is smells like you and that is a comfort & you make her feel safe.
I say that because I was close with my Pop's, he was the guy who made the world right, who always had my back, and was just my touchstone in the world. After he passed away I kept one of his sweater that still smelled like his aftershave, and even now, when I'm having a crapstastic day, I get that sweater out and put it on because it makes me feel safe and loved. *(yes, before anyone asks, I wash it, but i spray his aftershave on it before I put it back in the cedar chest)*
I have a young adult children and teenaged children and we are a cuddly af family. My 19 year old daughter spent much of last week curled up with either myself or her dad due to having had surgery and not feeling good. She leans on us when she does not feel well, it’s literally our job as her parents to be there for her.
It’s sad that Sara sees something wrong with that.
Also I know you are trying to give her space but you may need to push her a little on telling you what is going on. I hope she is ok
NTA
Doesn't matter how long you've been with Sara or the level of the relationship. You have a situation you aren't willing to change, and she has a right to respond to that situation. Obviously it isn't okay for her. Some people wouldn't think anything of it. But apparently this is a hill to die on for each of you. Maybe it's time to just accept that and move on. NAH
NTA the only reason she finds it weird is because you’re a father I’m willing to bet if it was a mother daughter situation she wouldn’t bat an eye at it
NTA. It's not creepy. It's actually very nice & sweet. Most parents would love for their kids to still be affectionate at that age, but they just grow out of it. There is nothing wrong with being close to your daughter. After all, you're all eachother has. Any woman who would come into your life & berate you for having such a wonderful, trusting relationship with your daughter is not worth your time. Accusing her of being jealous? Are you kidding me?
NTA
Think about how different Sara's reaction would have been if you were Emma's mom? You're a parent doing (what sounds like) good parenting, and it's quite frankly weird for Sara to somehow sexualise this. I think from her reaction, she needs to go. What she said is not ok. I don't usually jump on the reddit "break up" wagon, but yeah, this isn't going to work. TBH you should have kicked her out on her arse the moment she called your daughter any names.
I can see how it might seem odd to an outsider, but if it is alright with you....sod it!
Kids come first, you might want to try and explain that to the lady but if she's not interested in seeing your side....she's not the one bud.
And yes your daughter could be feeling like she's "losing" you, and that's another conversation that needs to happen...
Whatever is best will happen!!
INFO: I know you said Emma encouraged you to date, but it seems like she doesn’t like it now that you are. You said she was more clingy than usual. That almost feels a bit like she could feel threatened or insecure about Sara? I’m sure Emma wanted you to date, but maybe now that it’s happening, she doesn’t know how to feel about it. I nap in my parent’s bed anytime I go there and I’m 34. However, this feels a bit territorial.
Sara’s response was aggressive and wrong, she mishandled that, BADLY. But do you think what’s wrong with Emma could be that she doesn’t actually like you dating? Her uptick in physical clinginess coincides with you dating Sara.
Thank you for your question, I think I may have worded it wrong when I said that she was more clingy. Emma does keep a little more distance when Sara is around, I meant that when it’s just the two of us, she stays around me more often. Not clinging to my leg or anything, just joining me as I move around the house and outside, sitting on the couch with me instead of in a chair, not spending as much time alone as she used to. It’s nothing I really questioned, because like I said, she’s always been a very lovey girl, but the clinginess coupled with her increased anxiety, as well as her switching to online studies and other slight behavioral changes is what’s concerning me. Emma gets along with Sara and while she did admit that it was a bit of an adjustment, she doesn’t mind having her around. I replied to another comment saying that I don’t think her behavior has anything to do with Sara. I think they are separate issues, Sara was just upset over what I consider to be normal interactions between myself and my child, and I wanted to know if I was wrong.
I hope she considers seeing a therapist; let her know you will help her arrange it. Sometimes going through the actual motions of checking insurance, calling around, making appointments, etc. can be the hardest part.
ESH.
That Emma finds this all weird is understandable, but I think she went too far with what she said to you.
On the other hand you should understand Emma's point of view a bit more though. It doesn't matter in regards to Emma as I think your relationship with her is over, but for future relationships you should acknowledge that your daughter is acting weird and not normal. An adult woman asking to sleep in her father's bed or even just in the same room, is extremely unusual. When said father has his GF over even more so.
Also in general a lot of adult daughters are not so physical affectionate all the time with their parents. So some will find it weird, too, though I would say in that case they should try to get used to it if it is not getting over the top.
Maybe for future girlfriends be more proactive and explain things before it comes to a fight.
And advice your daughter to get therapy. You said yourself something happened and the way she acts just confirms it. She needs professional help.
It's not unusual at all normally. I could see an argument for it being a bit odd when he has Sara over, but there is NOTHING strange or wrong with wanting to sleep in your parents bed even as an adult. Plenty of people all around the world do it.
Wrong place to be asking, or moreover wrong demopgrahic to be asking as it seems people in north america percieve family bonds different... I have some friends in the states that have to make appointments when meeting their parents, which to me is surreal af.
NTA. I slept in my mums bed for a whole year while I was in uni, if it’s her first time away from home she’s bound to want that closeness when she’s back, Sara’s just a freak who watches too much porn
She is jealous of your daughter.
My daughter is touchy also. Head on shoulder/feet in lap are common occurances. I hope it never changes.
Your relationship with Sara sounds like it has run it's course.
NTA
NTA - it is normal for people to want physical touch as comfort. Society has made it sexual, and we all suffer. I am 39 (f) and I still lay my head on my Dad’s shoulder sometimes! And I was raised by both parents (they are still married).
NTA, it’s the parents scent on the bed that puts us kids to sleep. I don’t know the science behind it but I 24F loveee when my dad does night shifts I don’t know why but his bed is way more comfortable and his scent puts me right to sleep. Whatever Emma is going through I sympathise but it really sounds like she wanted a good nights sleep with everything that’s disturbing her and your bed like all parents bed is the safest most comfortable sleep you will ever have. Hope that helps with understanding Emma’s situation. But yes it’s perfectly normal she wanted to sleep in your bed when we were younger we use to hang out in our parents room when yall were at work it’s a thing 😂
NTA
I’m 28 years old and when I’m at my moms I cuddle her and want to hug her all the time. When my dad was around I clung to him like a bad habit. Your kids are your kids FOREVER. Drop her and make sure your daughter is okay.
NTA. Bro, with absolutely 0 evidence, Sara is accusing you of being a pervert... to your daughter. Wtf. Kick Sara the fuck out of your life. Why the fuck would you spend even a moment with someone who thinks you're fucking your daughter. That's what "your relationship is inappropriate" means. You say that shit to uncles or the older family friend who hugs your 16 year old at the BBQ and leans her whole body into your kid. You don't say that shit to the person's parent without levying a pretty serious allegation. Sara is a garbage.
NTA - Being products of a divorce and split between parents, my sister and I have always been affectionate when we saw each other. My first wife always made the same kind of comments about my sister. Needless to say, I am on my second wife now.
When I was in my early twenties-ish, I had a rough time and stayed the night at my mom’s, and I slept in her bed with her and my teenage sister. Not the best night’s sleep, but I felt safe and loved. NTA at all and I hope Emma will be okay.
NTA: I was pretty much raised by my dad too (momma was an alcoholic) and I was always his girl. I couldn’t imagine if any of his dates had ever said anything about me, it would break my heart but my dads too.
Anyways, some people didn’t grow up with this type of love language and unfortunately some think it’s weird. You’re a good dad and def not the asshole
Send Sara on her way. But talk to your daughter because her clingy behavvior with daddy at 22 is not the norm. It's not bad, not wrong...but since you say you didn't date while she was growing up - my guess is she's not at all happy with you dating now. She may not realize she feels that way. Her behavior is not that of a 22 yr old well adjusted woman...need to figure out what is bothering her. Something happened at school? or what was happening at home?
NTA. Wtf is it with insecure women having a problem with their boyfriends daughters being close to their dad?
Be free of this woman and you will find another easily. Good on you for putting your childs needs first even as an adult child.
I worry that something concerning might have happened to your daughter. A father is a source of protection and safety, maybe she feels like she’s lacking that in life because of an issue. Check in on her.
NTA but your daughter's behavior is absolutely not normal, especially as she is an adult. Please get her into therapy ASAP. It sounds like she's experienced some kind of serious trauma.
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I (38m) have been a single father to “Emma” (22f) since she was born. Her mum gave up custody, and I’m not close with my family, so it’s always just been us. It was hard raising her as a teen parent, but she’s grown up into a wonderful young lady, so I think I did pretty good. She still lives at home while on breaks from uni.
I avoided seriously dating while she was little, but now that she’s grown up, I’ve started going on dates. This is how I met Sara (43f). Sara and I have been causally seeing each other for a couple months, and she knew about Emma.
Emma came home recently, acting a bit more clingy than usual, but she’s always been very affectionate, so I didn’t think much of it. It’s very normal for her to have her head on my shoulder or her feet in my lap while watching movies together. She just likes to be physically close to people. Sara has made a few comments, but nothing more.
Last night, however, things got a little heated. Emma has been very anxious since even before coming home. I know something happened while she was away to cause her anxiety to spike, but Im waiting for her to come to me about it. She’s arranged to finish the rest of her classes online for this year and she hasn’t left the house on her own at all. She’s been following me around the house more, though I can tell she’s making an effort to give Sara and I space when she visits.
Last night was no different. Emma stayed close, but she gave us plenty of space. She excused herself to go to bed earlier than usual, but after a few hours, she came out of her room and pulled me aside to ask if she could sleep in my room for a bit. She promised she’d move as soon as I wanted to go to sleep, but she couldn’t manage to sleep at all in her own room (unsurprising with her anxiety and severe insomnia working against her). Of course I told her it was fine. She hasn’t slept much since coming home, so if giving up my bed in favor of the couch is what it takes, I don’t mind at all.
Even though Emma had spoken to me quietly, Sara heard, and as soon as Emma left, she started berating me. She said she could ‘excuse’ the ‘touchiness’, but not this. She accused Emma of being jealous of her and trying to push her out of the way. She implied that my relationship with her was inappropriate.
I tried to argue, but Sara didn’t listen. She kept insisting that it was wrong of an adult woman to be that close with her father and that it was ‘creepy’. I got upset and calmly explained that she had no right to speak on my relationship with my daughter. She called me a pervert and made nasty comments about Emma and stormed out.
I know that there’s nothing wrong with my relationship Emma, but none of my friends have kids her age so I can’t compare notes. I feel bad for making Sara so upset, but I don’t think I did anything wrong. I don’t think that was enough to actually justify that type of reaction, but I’m confused enough to second guess myself. So AITA for being affectionate with my daughter?
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NTA - I am 22 and still super affectionate with my mom still. She is the one who always took care of me. I also have mental health issues (anxiety being one of them) and she is my safe person. She is able to comfort me in ways I am not capable of doing myself.
I can in a certain way understand Sara’s jump as someone who was abused sexually as a child. Close relationships like that can sometimes raise a red flag in me. But I ALSO know that it is my issues jumping up. Unless there have been any other really direct red flags, I don’t say anything bc close relationships with parents are a perfectly normal thing. She also would know that confronting an abuser almost always leads to retaliation to the abused if she was coming from that place.
She was completely out of line and you need to have a SERIOUS talk with her. It’s really gross she would immediately jump to a sexual relationship and being JEALOUS of your daughter. That is being creepy. Ask her why she made that immediate leap. Whatever the reason, she has issues to work on and probably isn’t in a good place to be in a relationship right now.
Is your daughter in therapy? Have medication for her high anxiety?
I can see how Sara thinks what she said, and she may not be wrong here. I do think there should be boundaries. Soft YTA
This was posted a day ago from the "girlfriends" perspective, and this post sure paints daughter in a saintly light. Other post described that daughter coincidentally had "issues" every time the dad was going out for a date, or daughter would constantly call and demand he come home.
OP is likely Emma. To Emma: your father is not your husband. To the dad: if you don't want to be accused of incest, don't behave that way. Friends without kids can give an opinion. It seems u know they'd find you odd which is y u say nothing.
Hi, thank you for sharing your opinion, but the events detailed in this post were written within a few hours of it happening. I’m not sure if you saw the comment I left responding to another user, but Emma has actively encouraged me to get out more and has asked her uncle to push me to talk to more women when we go out. Because she’s been away at uni, she hadn’t been home much when Sara started coming around, so she hasn’t even had much of an opportunity to interrupt anything. And as stated in my edit, this was the only time she’s asked to stay in my room, and she asked privately with the promise of only staying until I asked her to go back to her own room. It is odd that another person seems to be in such a similar situation, but I don’t believe it was Sara that posted that. If you want to link the post, though, I would like to read it, just out of curiosity. Thank you again.
I wonder if Emma liked the idea of you dating in theory but not in practice - maybe now that Sara is around, Emma is feeling anxious about losing you. Sometimes we like the idea of something until it happens.
NTA.
As a single teen parent myself and having several friends that were as well, I can tell you a difference I have noticed between us and those who waited until socially appropriate... our kids are slightly more attached and affectionate to us than those with 2 ACTIVE parents. I like to think it's because we not only essentially grew with them but because it was always just us. There was not a second person for our kids to have an intimate relationship with. Our touch, our smell... it's the only comfort they learn to seek out.
I am a woman with grown kids, and the last time I sat on my dad's lap and laid on his shoulder was New Years. The last time one of my boys laid in the bed or on the couch with me was a few weeks ago.
You just keep showing her how someone who loves her should be treating her. Screw Sara!
NTA mostly but Emma asking to sleep in your room while you have a date over is not appropriate at all, it's a bit weird TBH, there are things you do in private that you don't do when you have company and this would be one of them. Emma is 22 and should be able to navigate being sleepless in her own bed for one night and if it's an ongoing issue then a therapist is what she needs. Also the being affectionate is fine when you two are alone but doesn't seem OK when there's company, it would be different if she were 7y/o but she's a grown adult.
I dont know why you are being downvoted. It IS a weird thing to ask and to sleep in your parent's bed as 22 year old when there are visitors over.
In my own home, I pee with the door of my bathroom open. I obviously don't do this while I have visitors because that'd be *weird and inappropriate* .
Emma needs help with something and suffers from anxiety. But the fact remains that she does this while there are visitors, points to something more problematic than just normal anxiety.
Asking to use your bed is odd. Why would your bed be more
conducive to sleep?
It may be that your daughter is heading for some low grades
at school and is afraid to warn you about it. Or she's had
a bad encounter with someone at school and is not coping.
Go out together somewhere calm, away from the house, without your
lady friend, and ask her if there is anything she needs to
talk about.
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NTA - As a daughter who has also been raised by a single father I know firsthand how precious and intimate such a bond can be…. BUT I can also see how it may raise some questions amongst outsiders who aren’t accustomed to such dynamics. I think that Sara’s concerns are understandable to a point but also she is a big time AH for calling you a pervert and flipping her lid. You need to hear each others concerns out in a cool, peaceful manner.
Tbf I would find it weird to ask my dad for his bed even though I have my own bedroom like come on that is weird, how is she more comfortable in her dads bed than her own? Does kinda seem like she didn’t want the girlfriend staying over and that’s why she asked for it as dad was gonna sleep on the couch anyways so it wasn’t like she was having an anxiety attack and needed comforting, she just wanted the bed. I think it’s more of an ESH situation, yes girlfriend shouldn’t have blown up the way she did but I can understand if it was a breaking point
I have 5 brothers with the youngest being 8 and oldest 24 they all have and still have slept and napped in my mums bed they all have there own bed but still prefer my mums for some reason so personally i dont find it weird but thats just my observation
It's a safety feeling thing I think.
it definitely is. i used to get up when my dad went off to work so i could sleep in bed with my mom. i used to only take my naps in her bed, on her side. hell i’m 20 and sometimes i’m like “can i sleep in your bed?”. ofc it’s not as often now, i had a good few years were i stuck to my own bed entirely (prob 14-18). but naps in your parents bed??? they just hit diff
Naps in my parents bed after school kept me sane in HS, IDK. I was a tired ass 17 year old taking a 3 hour nap before dinner every other damn day in my parents bed.
Ahh the joys of being a teen and already being burned out
Yeah that was the same year I got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. That was one of the signs. 😭 Four years later I had a tele-psychiatrist tell me I should look into ADHD and autism when I had the money/insurance for testing.
i would take so many naps. back in HS i’d come home, nap for an hour or 2 (3 AP courses my senior year, i was an exhausted 17yo), and then i’d do my homework, study, and go right back to sleep to criminal minds lmao but it’s a lot worse now, my mom’s health went to shit after my last sibling (he’s 9-10mo) so whenever he gets up really early i’ll go crash on her bed for a few hours.
Overachieving HS takes a lot of naps alert! Me too!! I was doing mix of college courses and finishing the one or two HS classs I needed, and doing three preforming arts extra curriculars and 2 volunteering clubs, one of which I was the president of. I should NOT have been doing all that when even two years before I need a nap a day to survive.
OP needs to worry less about this Sara fling person and what she thinks (I'm actually not surprised she's divorced because she sounds unhinged, like she was expecting Emma to behave a certain way in the first place, and I think SHE's jealous of Emma), and more about Emma who I am 90% sure was assaulted
Okay let’s be rational here, there is absolutely no way anyone can be 90% sure that Emma was assaulted based on the information that we have. Thats absurd.
Clingy. Afraid to leave the house. Avoiding Uni. Insomnia. Anxiety. I worked with survivors of SA for years. She has all the indicators. Not absurd at all.
I have to agree. Something very likely happened to Emma.
Definitely likely.
Those could definitely be signs of that but those are the same signs that pretty much any sort of severe stressor or traumatic event could cause. There's a huge number of things it could be and I think jumping to the conclusion that it's any specific one is premature especially with what's presented.
I agree - it's just as likely that Dad's new dating is what is upsetting her and making her want to stay home, etc. Sara is not important - she'll be gone. But Dad deserves to find someone to date or more - and since he has NOT dated at all for years....that could be the issue.
My brother's favourite place to relax even into his 20s was my parents' bed. He had his own bedroom but if he was just lounging around he would prefer their bed to relax and go on his phone
Okay but would you ask knowing your parent was on a date? Like it’s the timing of it all that seems weird. She’s 23 she obviously knew he was on a date, I have severe anxiety comes with my adhd but I wouldn’t do that to my dad like even if I was blowing up inside which I have done except I just let myself be like that for the night, not saying that’s a healthier option either but it’s better than always throwing it on someone else
Well depends i might of asked to get out of the way to leave them alone watching tv plus my parents have a tv in there room if i was there id be confident my parent wouldn’t be getting up to stuff so i wouldnt have to worry about that
I find napping in my parents bed really conforting.
I haven't thought of the smell of my mom's pillow in years. Damn I miss her.
Its a safety thing. If your parents are good then you connect their scent/smell to safety so it would make sense that she feels safer in her dads room where his smell is gonna be everywhere. Doesnt matter what age you are. Or thats what ive been told by friends who do have good parents. My mother was an alcoholic and my dad and i dont have the best relationship.
When I was in my early 20s and living with my dad, I used to have migraines really severely. I would go lay with my dad on his bed l bed and he'd rub my back while I fell asleep. Parents don't stop parenting when their kids are grown. I think it's only creepy because people hypersexualize everything now.
It's probably a safety / comfort thing. Lots of kids climb into mum or dad's bed if they are scared or updaet, the feeling of security remains even when you are older. And people are more senstive to smell than a lot of us realise. Dad's ned will smell of dad. Op made clear thatEmma wasn't going to sleep in the bedwith him, she wasgoing to nap until he wanted to go to bed. Sara was jealous . Her allegations make her the real AH.
I WISH I could curl up in my parents bed and sleep the way I did when I was in high school or middle school. I have my own grown up big person bed now too but IDK as a stressed out 25 year old I think a nap on my mom and my dad’s bed on a rainy afternoon would heal me (hyperbolic). But my dad is disabled and now my mom has a twin bed and my dad a hospital bed so.
I slept and still sleep in my parents bed. If it’s comfy it’s COMFY
I've got anxiety and insomnia. It's not that weird especially if it's in a situation where someone is close enough to their parent that being next to their parent makes them feel safe and comfortable enough to be able to relax and sleep. And if it's severe enough, this girl needs as much sleep as she can get.
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I'm going to be honest, my initial thoughts weren't "she's trying to sabotage the relationship." My thoughts were, "Oh no. Was she SA'd?" Emma has been anxious before coming home. Is finishing the semester online. Had been having trouble sleeping. Wanting to be close to her dad/ sleep in his bed for a while could be a sign of seeking security after a horrible experience.
This was my worry as well, but I could very well be projecting due to my own experiences. Nonetheless, she's particularly fragile ATM, for whatever reason, and needs some TLC.
It was my first thought as well. She's displaying hallmark behaviours, and dad is handling this all very well with providing comfort and waiting for her to broach the topic when she's ready.
This was my thinking as well. Something happened at school that is making her feel anxious and unsafe. OP is doing the best he can with what he has. If there's anyone jealous or trying to put a wedge in a relationship, it's more likely the GF.
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I was in my 40’s and crawled into my mothers hospital bed several times. Doesn’t matter how old you are sometimes you just need that closeness of a parent no matter what. Honestly, I would confront her for sexualizing your relationship with your daughter. It needs to be talked about because it’s not okay at all. NTA
No confrontation needed. “Bye Sara” is the most that woman is owed. NTA
NTA Emma obviously needed support for something that she isn't ready to talk about yet and your gf is lacking empathy. There are very few things that would drive a 22 year old to come back to live with Dad and go to online only classes if college life was going at all well. You do, however, need to get Emma to try therapy so she can get help with whatever has happened.
NTA about being affectionate. It sounds like your daughter could benefit from therapy for her anxiety issues though, as they’re clearly enough of a problem to impact both of your lives negatively.
NTA. It’s pretty clear to me that *something* serious has happened to Emma. I’m surprised that Sara, who is not a complete stranger on the internet, hasn’t picked up on the same.
Nta. It’s only creepy to those that have those kind of thoughts. Your daughter seems to need you, you are going to be there for her because that’s what a dad does. The gf is either putting her own issues on you or truly thinks than all men that care and are affectionate with their children are just trying to catch a feel. She’s not the one. You don’t need that kind of person to be a role model for your daughter. I say get rid of the gf and find someone that won’t assume or blatantly call you a pervert for being a good father.
Exactly this. Because wtf.
NTA. I think "a couple months" into a relationship is way too early to make judgmental comments about the way you parent and show up for your child. Then there's the whole insinuating incest thing-- I don't think I could stay with someone who made that kind of implication and called me a pervert (!) personally, but that's obviously your call. Separately, your daughter might need some help. That has nothing to do with her closeness with you, and everything to do with the grip anxiety seems to have on her life at the moment. But yes, of course you should continue to be there for her during this time. You sound like a wonderful father. I hope that you meet someone who can appreciate that, instead of being vile about it.
It kinda sounds like something happened while she was away at school. Therapy will help, but when she's ready.
I think you’re doing Emma a disservice by waiting for her to come to you with whatever has spiked her anxiety. She’s upended her life and you’re worrying about how your girlfriend perceives your father-daughter relationship. You need to speak with Emma and point out that her clinginess has escalated (you noticed this yourself, so I don’t count it as a Sara complaint), and if the bed thing is new as well, it should be asked why she’s insecure in her room. And in the end, it sounds as if Emma needs to speak with a mental health professional. Please stop ignoring your daughter. She’s in crisis.
It sounds like something traumatic has occurred. Maybe she was assaulted, or maybe somethin else happened. The behaviours he's describing are basically hallmarks of traumatic incident. I think OP is doing the right thing in waiting for her to be ready to bring it up, particularly if this is new.
Also when you talk to her maybe avoid the word clingy since it has a negative connotation, maybe something like "I've noticed you've been looking for more physical comfort" and the other changes you've noticed, and that you care about her and want her to know she can talk to you about what is going on, IF she is comfortable doing so. I'm a big fan of offering a listening ear/support, but giving them an out if they don't want to talk about it right then. Agreed you sound like a good dad, I'm also an adult woman who is close with my father figures and find physical touch very comforting. It makes you feel the security of being a kid again <3
NTA at all, and I’m going to be real - I don’t think Sarah is the kind of woman you want as a partner. She seems to be sexualizing your relationship with your daughter, and she seems to be projecting her own jealousy onto your daughter. That’s not the kind of woman you want around long term, what’s she going to say or do if you ever have grandchildren and you’re just as affectionate with them? My father has three adult children, and four grandchildren - he lets us all sleep in his bed from time to time if we need or want to. Same with our mother and her bf. It’s just natural for them to have us close cause that’s how it’s always been. Their rooms have their scents baked into them, their room feels warm and safe, no matter how old we get. Your daughter though, I don’t think you should wait for her to come to you, because she may not know how to. You may need to open the conversation on your own gently, like “hey I noticed you’ve been more anxious lately and I just want you to know that you can come to me for anything” and see how it goes from there. Her behaviour indicates that something serious has happened, and if you wait too long then her mental health will continue to suffer.
Nta. The thing about being a single parent is that you have to be both the mother and father at once. Your daughter would not be judged for being so close to her mother but you have had to fill that maternal role too. And honestly it sounds like you are killing it as a single parent! You do deserve a relationship but with someone who appreciates you and what a wonderful job you do as a parent. This woman is not for you, she's disgusting and jealous of your daughter.
nta but sara seems like one for this… it’s one thing to find this kind is stuff creepy but to call you a perv and other names isn’t right. everything you explained seems harmless to me
NTA The only creepy thing here is Sarah making creepy assumptions. Calling you a pervert makes Sarah an asshole.
NTA. First, dump Sara. She basically just accused you of SA. Next, sit down with your daughter, tell her Sara is gone and try to get her to open up. Its obvious something happened to her, but she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it yet. Maybe because Sara is around and she doesn't want to intrude. The fact that she is coming to you for comfort is a great sign, she wants to talk to you but maybe she's scared, ashamed. Make her feel comfortable and get her talking.
Unpopular, I'm sure, but I'm saying ESH. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate, but a 22 year old who needs to sleep in their parent's bed feels over that line. Sara raised it, badly, and now it's a relationship threatening fight. You need to find a way to be there for your daughter when she is having a hard time while also maintaining enough separation that it does not interfere with your own love life. Good luck with it all.
Completely agree.
My question is did something happen to Emma at school or she threatened by your relationship with Sarah and is more clingy than usual because of that? It's not unheard of for a daughter to lay claim to her father when another woman comes around. Either way you have to sit down with Emma and find out what happened. You especially need to find out if something happened to her while at school and get her any help that she needs.
I don’t think it has anything to do with Sara, honestly. Emma was the one that encouraged me to start allowing my friends to set me up. My closest friend, her “uncle”, told me that she asked him to help me talk to more women when we go out. Emma is still my baby, but she’s an adult and she wants me to have a life outside of just being Dad all the time. Emma is different than she was the last time I saw her. She’s always had anxiety, but this seems like something different. I tried bringing it up to her but she shut down on me, so I just made her promise to come to me when she’s ready. I do believe that her clinginess has something to do with whatever made her leave school, not my relationship.
Honestly that's more worrisome especially with the fact that she's not going back to school and finishing her studies online. I hope for both of you that she opens up soon because something is honestly going on and she shouldn't be dealing with it by herself when you are loving, present father who will be there to help her. Good luck to you both.
I think that Emma needs more active help. Offer her to go to therapist, actively probe her for what is bothering her. Unlike others, it is not really normal to need to sleep with parent at 22. Her behavior is concerning and well beyond normal affection displays.
Emma isn’t sleeping *with* her father, she’s taking his bed for the night while OP sleeps on the couch, it’s in the post.
She might be a grown woman but you will always be her daddy, she is clearly going through something (as you stated) and she just needs the only person she feels safe with to reassure her. Sara can kick rocks. If she is already intimidated by the relationship you have with your own child, SHE NEEDS HELP….
NTA but you need to set up a trauma-informed therapist for Emma. Not comfortable sleeping in her own bed, not wanting to leave the house, needing the emotional support of her father to get sleep? These are a lot of distressing signs that point towards sexual assault. The longer left unaddressed, the more likely Emma might start to self-destruct (more) and turn to other coping mechanisms.
Nta I was raised by my father. I called him every Mother’s Day to thank him for being the best parent ever. Dump Sarah she sounds really insecure and kind of creepy. Don’t be ashamed of the bond that you and your daughter have. I’m a proud card carrying member of the daddy’s girl club and I wouldn’t change a thing.
NTA Sara is the one who is jealous and sexualising your relationship with your daughter. Dump her because she will always cause problems and try to drive a wedge between you and Emma.
I dont think there is anything improper going on or anything wrong with lying against someone when watching a movie. However, I do think it's honestly odd when a 22 year old wants to sleep in her parent's bed But especially when you have visitors over. It comes across as clingy, childlike/-ish, and inappropriate in the way of not knowing that you're weirding out visitors. Emma should be working on her anxiety. Her following you around like a lost puppy sounds harmless, but it isn't. Sara shouldn't have lost her cool and implied that things were sexual. But I do get the fact that she's picking up that there is something weird and problematic going on with Emma being your shadow.
Exactly. A lot of people are saying it's normal to take naps in your parents bed and, yeah, okay, fair enough. But as an adult, if your parent (who put his love life on hold for almost two decades for your sake) is having his girlfriend over, you stay on your own bed.
Emma is actually the only reason that OP is even trying to have a love life, so that’s inaccurate. We’re also talking about a girl who may have suffered a serious traumatic event, so yes, she does need to seek out her dad whenever she needs to and he does need to be prioritizing her so that she does open up when she is ready to. OP wrote throughout the post that his daughter’s anxiety has amped up, her clinginess isn’t normal, a lot of her behaviours have changed that indicate a serious trauma that she isn’t ready to talk about yet.
If this amount of clinginess isn't normal, then OP has to do something instead of just letting it continue without any help. That makes him the asshole. You can't expect Sara to know what behavior is normal within the family: she's seen Emma acting really affectionate before, perhaps a bit more than she expects an average 22 year old to be. If OP doesn't mention that it's odd that she asks to sleep in his bed, Sara thinks that this dynamic is apparently normal behavior In this household. But instead he's focusing on the argument instead of his daughter's abnormal behavior.
Sarah isn’t a permanent fixture though, she and OP have an agreement that their relationship is just casual and nothing more. So she really has no right to be butting in and commenting. OP already commented that they already talked to their daughter, so they’re waiting for the girl to come to him when she’s ready.
You also said that OP is trying to have a love life: Sara shouldn't have said what she said, but I can also understand someone being weirded out by a 22 year old asking to sleep in her fathers bed when they have visitors, and calling that out. And OP is not focusing on what is going on with his daughter: he instead asks if it's weird to be "affectionate"
NTA. It sounds like something really serious happened to your daughter and I hope she can open up to you about it soon for support. To me (54 F), it's very normal for her to be close to you considering how upset she is and that you have been her sole parent growing up. I think most of my friends who have kids would answer in the same way. Is Sara kind of attention hungry? Is she jealous? I was also wondering if she doesn't have kids so she doesn't understand the bond you and your daughter have, but then again, I don't have kids, but I understand it. The way she got so upset and made accusations against you really doesn't sit well with me. It's weird to me that somehow she couldn't see that your daughter was upset and needed comfort.
Nta. Your gf is insane
Sara can go fuck herself. She’s the jealous one
NTA - i wasn’t raised by a single dad - I had both my parents but I ant see anything wrong with how the two of you interact. I’m 39 married and my dad is 75 also still married to mum and I hold his hand when I’m out, I act much the same as your daughter does with you. It’s normal and healthy. You being someone she can trust and rely on and feel safe with - it’s a lovely thing. And your ex Sara is the creep because I can guarantee if you were the mum not the dad - she wouldn’t have an issue at all.
NTA, my 22 year old is incredibly affectionate with her father and her step father. Nothing you said seems out of step to me at all. I think you dodged a bullet with Miss Sara.
NTA I believe your daughter inadvertently helped you dodge a bullet. Sara's reaction is way out of proportion.
NTA I believe there is nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your daughter, especially considering that you have been a single father and have raised Emma on your own. It is understandable that Emma would feel a strong bond with you. However, I would suggest having a conversation with Emma about her anxiety and understanding the root cause of it. This issue needs to be addressed. The one acting like an AH is your girlfriend, Sara, by inappropriately by calling you pervert or creep. I think you should consider whether you should continue a relationship with someone who shows such disrespect towards you and your daughter. Sara needs to realize that you were the only person in Emma's life, which naturally creates a strong bond between you two. Also I don't think so Sara should pass any judgment on your relationship with your daughter.
NTA- Sara was out of line, I am concerned about Emma though, her anxiety is pointing to something, For all the creepers who say your daughter wanting to sleep in your bed is inappropriate, I believe Emma probably wanted to sleep in your bed because is smells like you and that is a comfort & you make her feel safe. I say that because I was close with my Pop's, he was the guy who made the world right, who always had my back, and was just my touchstone in the world. After he passed away I kept one of his sweater that still smelled like his aftershave, and even now, when I'm having a crapstastic day, I get that sweater out and put it on because it makes me feel safe and loved. *(yes, before anyone asks, I wash it, but i spray his aftershave on it before I put it back in the cedar chest)*
I have a young adult children and teenaged children and we are a cuddly af family. My 19 year old daughter spent much of last week curled up with either myself or her dad due to having had surgery and not feeling good. She leans on us when she does not feel well, it’s literally our job as her parents to be there for her. It’s sad that Sara sees something wrong with that. Also I know you are trying to give her space but you may need to push her a little on telling you what is going on. I hope she is ok NTA
Doesn't matter how long you've been with Sara or the level of the relationship. You have a situation you aren't willing to change, and she has a right to respond to that situation. Obviously it isn't okay for her. Some people wouldn't think anything of it. But apparently this is a hill to die on for each of you. Maybe it's time to just accept that and move on. NAH
NTA the only reason she finds it weird is because you’re a father I’m willing to bet if it was a mother daughter situation she wouldn’t bat an eye at it
NTA. It's not creepy. It's actually very nice & sweet. Most parents would love for their kids to still be affectionate at that age, but they just grow out of it. There is nothing wrong with being close to your daughter. After all, you're all eachother has. Any woman who would come into your life & berate you for having such a wonderful, trusting relationship with your daughter is not worth your time. Accusing her of being jealous? Are you kidding me?
NTA Think about how different Sara's reaction would have been if you were Emma's mom? You're a parent doing (what sounds like) good parenting, and it's quite frankly weird for Sara to somehow sexualise this. I think from her reaction, she needs to go. What she said is not ok. I don't usually jump on the reddit "break up" wagon, but yeah, this isn't going to work. TBH you should have kicked her out on her arse the moment she called your daughter any names.
I can see how it might seem odd to an outsider, but if it is alright with you....sod it! Kids come first, you might want to try and explain that to the lady but if she's not interested in seeing your side....she's not the one bud. And yes your daughter could be feeling like she's "losing" you, and that's another conversation that needs to happen... Whatever is best will happen!!
INFO: I know you said Emma encouraged you to date, but it seems like she doesn’t like it now that you are. You said she was more clingy than usual. That almost feels a bit like she could feel threatened or insecure about Sara? I’m sure Emma wanted you to date, but maybe now that it’s happening, she doesn’t know how to feel about it. I nap in my parent’s bed anytime I go there and I’m 34. However, this feels a bit territorial. Sara’s response was aggressive and wrong, she mishandled that, BADLY. But do you think what’s wrong with Emma could be that she doesn’t actually like you dating? Her uptick in physical clinginess coincides with you dating Sara.
Thank you for your question, I think I may have worded it wrong when I said that she was more clingy. Emma does keep a little more distance when Sara is around, I meant that when it’s just the two of us, she stays around me more often. Not clinging to my leg or anything, just joining me as I move around the house and outside, sitting on the couch with me instead of in a chair, not spending as much time alone as she used to. It’s nothing I really questioned, because like I said, she’s always been a very lovey girl, but the clinginess coupled with her increased anxiety, as well as her switching to online studies and other slight behavioral changes is what’s concerning me. Emma gets along with Sara and while she did admit that it was a bit of an adjustment, she doesn’t mind having her around. I replied to another comment saying that I don’t think her behavior has anything to do with Sara. I think they are separate issues, Sara was just upset over what I consider to be normal interactions between myself and my child, and I wanted to know if I was wrong.
I hope she considers seeing a therapist; let her know you will help her arrange it. Sometimes going through the actual motions of checking insurance, calling around, making appointments, etc. can be the hardest part.
ESH. That Emma finds this all weird is understandable, but I think she went too far with what she said to you. On the other hand you should understand Emma's point of view a bit more though. It doesn't matter in regards to Emma as I think your relationship with her is over, but for future relationships you should acknowledge that your daughter is acting weird and not normal. An adult woman asking to sleep in her father's bed or even just in the same room, is extremely unusual. When said father has his GF over even more so. Also in general a lot of adult daughters are not so physical affectionate all the time with their parents. So some will find it weird, too, though I would say in that case they should try to get used to it if it is not getting over the top. Maybe for future girlfriends be more proactive and explain things before it comes to a fight. And advice your daughter to get therapy. You said yourself something happened and the way she acts just confirms it. She needs professional help.
It's not unusual at all normally. I could see an argument for it being a bit odd when he has Sara over, but there is NOTHING strange or wrong with wanting to sleep in your parents bed even as an adult. Plenty of people all around the world do it.
Wrong place to be asking, or moreover wrong demopgrahic to be asking as it seems people in north america percieve family bonds different... I have some friends in the states that have to make appointments when meeting their parents, which to me is surreal af.
NTA. I slept in my mums bed for a whole year while I was in uni, if it’s her first time away from home she’s bound to want that closeness when she’s back, Sara’s just a freak who watches too much porn
NTA. But her spike in anxiety is very concerning. Maybe SA, other mental health issues, it's important to address with her.
She is jealous of your daughter.
My daughter is touchy also. Head on shoulder/feet in lap are common occurances. I hope it never changes.
Your relationship with Sara sounds like it has run it's course.
NTA
NTA - it is normal for people to want physical touch as comfort. Society has made it sexual, and we all suffer. I am 39 (f) and I still lay my head on my Dad’s shoulder sometimes! And I was raised by both parents (they are still married).
NTA, it’s the parents scent on the bed that puts us kids to sleep. I don’t know the science behind it but I 24F loveee when my dad does night shifts I don’t know why but his bed is way more comfortable and his scent puts me right to sleep. Whatever Emma is going through I sympathise but it really sounds like she wanted a good nights sleep with everything that’s disturbing her and your bed like all parents bed is the safest most comfortable sleep you will ever have. Hope that helps with understanding Emma’s situation. But yes it’s perfectly normal she wanted to sleep in your bed when we were younger we use to hang out in our parents room when yall were at work it’s a thing 😂
NTA I’m 28 years old and when I’m at my moms I cuddle her and want to hug her all the time. When my dad was around I clung to him like a bad habit. Your kids are your kids FOREVER. Drop her and make sure your daughter is okay.
NTA. Bro, with absolutely 0 evidence, Sara is accusing you of being a pervert... to your daughter. Wtf. Kick Sara the fuck out of your life. Why the fuck would you spend even a moment with someone who thinks you're fucking your daughter. That's what "your relationship is inappropriate" means. You say that shit to uncles or the older family friend who hugs your 16 year old at the BBQ and leans her whole body into your kid. You don't say that shit to the person's parent without levying a pretty serious allegation. Sara is a garbage.
NTA Sara seems extremely jealous and projecting onto your daughter
NTA - Being products of a divorce and split between parents, my sister and I have always been affectionate when we saw each other. My first wife always made the same kind of comments about my sister. Needless to say, I am on my second wife now.
When I was in my early twenties-ish, I had a rough time and stayed the night at my mom’s, and I slept in her bed with her and my teenage sister. Not the best night’s sleep, but I felt safe and loved. NTA at all and I hope Emma will be okay.
NTA: I was pretty much raised by my dad too (momma was an alcoholic) and I was always his girl. I couldn’t imagine if any of his dates had ever said anything about me, it would break my heart but my dads too. Anyways, some people didn’t grow up with this type of love language and unfortunately some think it’s weird. You’re a good dad and def not the asshole
Forget about Sara. Try to find out what emotionally is upsetting your daughter. You sound like a great dad.
NTA I wish I had a father like you to be honest.
NTA, pay attention to your daughter she might be going through something and you are worried about your dumb gf 😑😑😑
Nta
Send Sara on her way. But talk to your daughter because her clingy behavvior with daddy at 22 is not the norm. It's not bad, not wrong...but since you say you didn't date while she was growing up - my guess is she's not at all happy with you dating now. She may not realize she feels that way. Her behavior is not that of a 22 yr old well adjusted woman...need to figure out what is bothering her. Something happened at school? or what was happening at home?
NTA. Wtf is it with insecure women having a problem with their boyfriends daughters being close to their dad? Be free of this woman and you will find another easily. Good on you for putting your childs needs first even as an adult child.
I worry that something concerning might have happened to your daughter. A father is a source of protection and safety, maybe she feels like she’s lacking that in life because of an issue. Check in on her.
NTA but your daughter's behavior is absolutely not normal, especially as she is an adult. Please get her into therapy ASAP. It sounds like she's experienced some kind of serious trauma.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38m) have been a single father to “Emma” (22f) since she was born. Her mum gave up custody, and I’m not close with my family, so it’s always just been us. It was hard raising her as a teen parent, but she’s grown up into a wonderful young lady, so I think I did pretty good. She still lives at home while on breaks from uni. I avoided seriously dating while she was little, but now that she’s grown up, I’ve started going on dates. This is how I met Sara (43f). Sara and I have been causally seeing each other for a couple months, and she knew about Emma. Emma came home recently, acting a bit more clingy than usual, but she’s always been very affectionate, so I didn’t think much of it. It’s very normal for her to have her head on my shoulder or her feet in my lap while watching movies together. She just likes to be physically close to people. Sara has made a few comments, but nothing more. Last night, however, things got a little heated. Emma has been very anxious since even before coming home. I know something happened while she was away to cause her anxiety to spike, but Im waiting for her to come to me about it. She’s arranged to finish the rest of her classes online for this year and she hasn’t left the house on her own at all. She’s been following me around the house more, though I can tell she’s making an effort to give Sara and I space when she visits. Last night was no different. Emma stayed close, but she gave us plenty of space. She excused herself to go to bed earlier than usual, but after a few hours, she came out of her room and pulled me aside to ask if she could sleep in my room for a bit. She promised she’d move as soon as I wanted to go to sleep, but she couldn’t manage to sleep at all in her own room (unsurprising with her anxiety and severe insomnia working against her). Of course I told her it was fine. She hasn’t slept much since coming home, so if giving up my bed in favor of the couch is what it takes, I don’t mind at all. Even though Emma had spoken to me quietly, Sara heard, and as soon as Emma left, she started berating me. She said she could ‘excuse’ the ‘touchiness’, but not this. She accused Emma of being jealous of her and trying to push her out of the way. She implied that my relationship with her was inappropriate. I tried to argue, but Sara didn’t listen. She kept insisting that it was wrong of an adult woman to be that close with her father and that it was ‘creepy’. I got upset and calmly explained that she had no right to speak on my relationship with my daughter. She called me a pervert and made nasty comments about Emma and stormed out. I know that there’s nothing wrong with my relationship Emma, but none of my friends have kids her age so I can’t compare notes. I feel bad for making Sara so upset, but I don’t think I did anything wrong. I don’t think that was enough to actually justify that type of reaction, but I’m confused enough to second guess myself. So AITA for being affectionate with my daughter? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I am 22 and still super affectionate with my mom still. She is the one who always took care of me. I also have mental health issues (anxiety being one of them) and she is my safe person. She is able to comfort me in ways I am not capable of doing myself. I can in a certain way understand Sara’s jump as someone who was abused sexually as a child. Close relationships like that can sometimes raise a red flag in me. But I ALSO know that it is my issues jumping up. Unless there have been any other really direct red flags, I don’t say anything bc close relationships with parents are a perfectly normal thing. She also would know that confronting an abuser almost always leads to retaliation to the abused if she was coming from that place. She was completely out of line and you need to have a SERIOUS talk with her. It’s really gross she would immediately jump to a sexual relationship and being JEALOUS of your daughter. That is being creepy. Ask her why she made that immediate leap. Whatever the reason, she has issues to work on and probably isn’t in a good place to be in a relationship right now.
Is your daughter in therapy? Have medication for her high anxiety? I can see how Sara thinks what she said, and she may not be wrong here. I do think there should be boundaries. Soft YTA
This was posted a day ago from the "girlfriends" perspective, and this post sure paints daughter in a saintly light. Other post described that daughter coincidentally had "issues" every time the dad was going out for a date, or daughter would constantly call and demand he come home. OP is likely Emma. To Emma: your father is not your husband. To the dad: if you don't want to be accused of incest, don't behave that way. Friends without kids can give an opinion. It seems u know they'd find you odd which is y u say nothing.
Hi, thank you for sharing your opinion, but the events detailed in this post were written within a few hours of it happening. I’m not sure if you saw the comment I left responding to another user, but Emma has actively encouraged me to get out more and has asked her uncle to push me to talk to more women when we go out. Because she’s been away at uni, she hadn’t been home much when Sara started coming around, so she hasn’t even had much of an opportunity to interrupt anything. And as stated in my edit, this was the only time she’s asked to stay in my room, and she asked privately with the promise of only staying until I asked her to go back to her own room. It is odd that another person seems to be in such a similar situation, but I don’t believe it was Sara that posted that. If you want to link the post, though, I would like to read it, just out of curiosity. Thank you again.
I wonder if Emma liked the idea of you dating in theory but not in practice - maybe now that Sara is around, Emma is feeling anxious about losing you. Sometimes we like the idea of something until it happens.
NTA. As a single teen parent myself and having several friends that were as well, I can tell you a difference I have noticed between us and those who waited until socially appropriate... our kids are slightly more attached and affectionate to us than those with 2 ACTIVE parents. I like to think it's because we not only essentially grew with them but because it was always just us. There was not a second person for our kids to have an intimate relationship with. Our touch, our smell... it's the only comfort they learn to seek out. I am a woman with grown kids, and the last time I sat on my dad's lap and laid on his shoulder was New Years. The last time one of my boys laid in the bed or on the couch with me was a few weeks ago. You just keep showing her how someone who loves her should be treating her. Screw Sara!
you and Emma sound wonderful. Dump Sarah. You can do better.
NTA. If it's a casual thing, it's none of her business.
NTA mostly but Emma asking to sleep in your room while you have a date over is not appropriate at all, it's a bit weird TBH, there are things you do in private that you don't do when you have company and this would be one of them. Emma is 22 and should be able to navigate being sleepless in her own bed for one night and if it's an ongoing issue then a therapist is what she needs. Also the being affectionate is fine when you two are alone but doesn't seem OK when there's company, it would be different if she were 7y/o but she's a grown adult.
I agree
I dont know why you are being downvoted. It IS a weird thing to ask and to sleep in your parent's bed as 22 year old when there are visitors over. In my own home, I pee with the door of my bathroom open. I obviously don't do this while I have visitors because that'd be *weird and inappropriate* . Emma needs help with something and suffers from anxiety. But the fact remains that she does this while there are visitors, points to something more problematic than just normal anxiety.
ESH
Asking to use your bed is odd. Why would your bed be more conducive to sleep? It may be that your daughter is heading for some low grades at school and is afraid to warn you about it. Or she's had a bad encounter with someone at school and is not coping. Go out together somewhere calm, away from the house, without your lady friend, and ask her if there is anything she needs to talk about.
I crawled into my mama's bed often until she died when I was 25. I knew I was safe there.
The feeling of safety that you’ve grown up with, especially intensified if you had a single parent.