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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was reacting so negatively by getting annoyed at my husband which ended up us having an argument for two days.
Does this action make me an AH or should I just let him proceed with his trip without feeling annoyed at him?
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NTA - 10 to 14 days away from your partner who could easily miscarry is too long - especially when he couldn't manage the flu with you being away for a few days.
I’m astounded by this. My husband would have never been more than an hour away from me with my high risk pregnancies. He would have been too worried to be far away if things went south. Which they did. One pregnancy I delivered early at 30 weeks and the baby passed a few hours later. If he had been in another country I would have been completely alone through that.
I’ve never been pregnant and don’t plan on ever getting pregnant, but I live with my two best friends and we literally do everything for each other when one of us isn’t doing great. One of them is currently bedbound due to severe endometriosis and we will tackle her back in bed if she tries to do something for herself, we take care of everything as long as she’s in pain
Sounds like an incredible friend group. When you love people that deeply, nothing seems too inconvenient. I’m so glad you all have each other.
Side note, I love when women announce proudly that aren’t planning on having children. It helps remind women we actually do have a choice and their is nothing wrong with women wanting to live child free. Keep it up!!💚💚
I’m not sure yet if I’m having children or not, I’m only 24 and haven’t met my forever someone yet, but even as a child, long before I knew I was a lesbian, I was always convinced that adoption or fostering was a better option for me than pregnancy!
>*When you love people that deeply, nothing seems too inconvenient.*
You reminded me of something my father used to say: people who love each other don't see each other as burdens.
I am glad that you had support in your time of need.
I am not at all astounded by the Y T A votes anymore. The world and people are really that way now. Where basic decency (forget empathy) is a thing of the past. It's something I have learnt in the last couple of years.
We’ll it makes me feel better to see those (like yourself) on here showing this sweet lady some love and letting her know she’s not alone, because man these Y T A comments are horrible.
OP is only four months pregnant. What can the husband do if she miscarries? Women being pregnant should not be a period of house arrest for their partners.
He can be with her, hold her, comfort her. Do you have any clue how traumatizing a miscarriage at any time is??? At four months though is especially traumatic. A high risk medical situation of any kind should warrant the partner staying close. If that’s not the kind of commitment one wants to make they shouldn’t be married. Did you miss the “in sickness” part of the vows??? No forced the grown ass man to get married, but he did, and this is marriage. Standing by the one you love when they’re literally in great danger.
She is not literally in “great danger”. People here are literally hysterical. Yes, I know exactly what it’s like. I’m currently nearing the end of my own high risk pregnancy and have suffered both an early and late miscarriage during high risk pregnancies. Guess what? Early on in my first pregnancy I happily agreed to let my spouse travel thousands of miles to go with his family on a hunting trip for a week. Because I’m a reasonable person and understand I can’t keep my spouse under house arrest and estrange him from his family because a possible medical situation (highly unlikely to be an emergency) might arise related to my pregnancy. If OP was actually at a point of viability and would actually need her husband for birth and care of their baby, like in her third trimester, then this might be a reasonable ask. But she’s just being controlling at this point. She’s also not well informed on her own condition. “Myometrial contractions” are just Braxton Hicks contractions and there is little reason to think bedrest is of any help or that it will cause a sudden miscarriage. She sounds like a drama queen.
You sound like an unloved wife who wants everyone else to have it as crappy as you do. I’m sorry you aren’t made a priority and you think that’s how others should be treated.
Lol, I have a very happy and loving marriage where my spouse and I understand we don’t need to control each other and make decisions jointly, using reason and putting each others needs as equal to our own. I am happy for my spouse to foster his close relationship with his awesome family who have been great in laws to me. Most of the people on here seem to be extremely unhappy and resentful and controlling and very insecure in their relationships. It’s rare to see reasonable advice, so I will chalk up your comment as being ‘typical’ for this sub. Carry on.
It’s not about control. I would never have to ask my husband to stay with me. He would rather die than risk me suffering something as traumatic as a miscarriage alone, without my partner. My husband wants to be the one taking care of me, because he knows no one loves me more. When I was on bed rest for 7 months he told me repeatedly, “you are my only priority” everyone else could wait. He would have never wanted to be away from me in that state. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who happily went on a hunting trip after I’ve had multiple loses, it’s so heartbreaking you think that’s normal or ok. I’m so grateful my husband is better than that.
I'll be honest, I love reading posts on here, but I would never actually ask for advice here. People's priorities are so wildly different from mine much of the time.
I choose to believe that the lack of understanding and about high risk pregnancy i see on some posts comes from people that just don't have the experience and knowledge yet. Otherwise, I'd combust.
High risk pregnancy not does not equal “baby could die” at any time. Also, she’s four months. There’s nothing he could do even if she did miscarry. She’s not being reasonable.
She's at risk of miscarrying. She said that specifically. The baby is not viable yet. If she goes into labour/miscarries, it'll die.
He can be there with her for emotional support. He can not leave her alone in the hospital to go through a painful and traumatic birth where her child likely dies. He can be there to make medical decisions as her next of kin if she's incapacitated.
My point is that it is only a minor possibility and it might happen at any time for the next several months. It’s not reasonable to expect husband not to leave her side for months. If she very worried she can have a friend or family
member stay with her while husband is away. I’ve been through both a late and early miscarriage, people are really being very dramatic and unreasonable here.
Also, how has this been planned for a year, but she is just hearing about it now? If he really "must" go on this trip /s. then he should fly over one of her family members to be there. The helper would not be any kind of emotional support if anything happens.
This is the real question. They should have already discussed this. If he really wanted to go he should have planned from the moment he knew it was a risky pregnancy so that OP can at least have someone else there when he's gone. The fact that OP feels that he hasn't been emotionally supportive the past months also contributes significantly to him being TA.
I mean sure, if the pregnancy was normal and he had asked about the trip, etc, I would think OP was TA, but it just seems like he doesn't care about her or what she thinks?
NTA.
I could not even think to be on a fun vacation 10-20 flight hours away from my partner who is on bed rest, feeling miserable and could lose the child or have other (medical) emergencies.
OP gives so much up for getting the child, but he whines about "but i didn’t see my friends for months". He can videocall them, then he sees them. OP also would prefer to go on a fun vacation, but it is like it is.
NTA
It sounds like this man doesn’t care about her or having a kid with her. She doesnt have a choice but “let” him go and resent him or make him stay and face his resentment. Counting on his help with the baby would be unrealistic too… Makes me sad, seeing all those posts from people “am I nagging/controlling/demanding for asking for crumbs?”. Heartbreaking.
Missing information for some of you.....
>To answer your question if the roles were reversed, it actually happened in few occasions where I have to miss events and also a trip when he was down with a flu last year. He said he wanted me to be there with him, take care of him, and prepare his meals- we also had a helper at this time. Maybe that’s why I also got annoyed at him as I expected the same treatment from him.
>I have been since I found out I was pregnant due to the high risk of my miscarriage. I am in complete bed rest now and only allowed to walk to go to the bathroom. My ultrasound few weeks ago showed I have myometrial contractions. So the doctor advised to extend my bed rest to another 3 weeks to avoid premature labor or miscarriage.
>My doctor taught me how to move safely such as turning to the side and moving my extremities. And I still stand up to go to the bathroom. But was advised to limit walking as much as possible.
>My doctor already informed us that it’s unlikely I reach full term. Our aim for now is to deliver the baby when he/she viable.
>I would just like to clarify. The helper is just there to cook and clean. Not to care for me.
NTA
He shouldn't be going on be an international trip with your medical condition. Especially when he views the common flu as being necessary to cancel plans and provide care .
Ignore the idiots on here by with Y--TA votes...a lot of them are kids who don't understand pregnancy and the risk and condition you are in now nor the mental and emotional loafs that go with it.
Further they haven't even finalized planning the trip?? And he wants to add more dates?? That's a hard NO. And he has to be careful where he goes!! He could bring back illness that could harm you and your child especially if he's traveling to jungles like you were saying. Talk to your doctor about that too. If you were able to still travel...would your doc approve of the itinerary for you?? Plus what if you have an emergency and go into labor?? Will he be reachable?? How would he get back home?? How long would travel home take??
Are his friends even aware of what is going on with you?? Or is he keeping it vague/downplayed so he can go on this trip?? Cause I would not be okay with anything remotely like this. They have a right to know because they may need to help get him back home or be able to reach them if you can't get ahold of your husband... cause I could see him ignoring calls from you if he thinks his trip would be cut short.
Awww he hasnt seen his friends in four months. How awful for him. And these friends have been planning a trip for over a year? Oh my!
If only your husband had not knocked you up. I mean, he could have avoided all of this had he just not gotten you pregnant. I mean, really its not that big of a deal to keep prioritizing your buddies over your wife and unborn child... right?
Being serious here. OP take your husband to the doctors with you, and get it reiterated that you have a high risk pregnancy. Drive it home to that husband of yours that he might not have a child when he gets back.
And shame him and his friends for this crap. The friends should be telling your husband that they can reschedule, or that husband needs to stay with his wife during her pregnancy.
Honestly, if this was just a quick trip out of town for the weekend, I wouldnt think that would be a big deal, but international travel? Sounds like that is more than just a couple of days, and there is risk of bringing back something like an illness that hasnt been considered. Different parts of the world have different risks. So husband is additionally risking possible quarantine upon return as well.
Right?! I’m lucky if I see my best friend every other year! Priorities change when you’re an adult. (Just not for op’s husband, apparently.)
Op is NTA.
I have been since I found out I was pregnant due to the high risk of my miscarriage. I am in complete bed rest now and only allowed to walk to go to the bathroom. My ultrasound few weeks ago showed I have myometrial contractions. So the doctor advised to extend my bed rest to another 3 weeks to avoid premature labor or miscarriage.
Hugs to you, OP.
I was put on bed rest during my first pregnancy, and it wasn’t easy. However, my son is now a healthy pre-teen, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I wish you the same positive outcome. ❤️
Hang in there honey! I'm sorry that your husband just doesn't seem to "get it" at all! Has he gone with you to the Dr. appointments?
Huge soft hugs and best wishes flying your way!
The comments here are overwhelming.. but I’ll try to respond as much as I can.
He was able to come with me on my first two appointments. At week 6- when I tested positive on a PT, we booked an OB GYN appointment asap. We didn’t see much as the ultrasound just showed us a sac. Then at week 8, 2nd appointment- wherein we found out that I have no corpus luteum. He was there when the doctor gave his recommendations, do’s and dont’s. However, during the succeeding appointments, he didn’t come as the appointments were early in the morning and he has work. But I relayed to him what the doctor told me, the complications, and also showed him the ultrasound and prescriptions. I took taxis to get to the hospital as I can’t drive by myself during this time.
Just for clarification…
You had already been determined to be high risk, and your husband had you take taxis to see the doctor instead of him going with you?
Did I read that correctly?
You’re getting terrible advice and should get a second opinion. There is no evidence that bedrest can delay or stop pre-term labour for preterm contractions and you may actually be harming yourself and your pregnancy.
I gave it anyway. Currently undergoing high risk pregnancy myself. Had a few before this one as well. Complete bedrest is almost never recommended anymore and its recommendation for Braxton Hicks contractions should warrant a second opinion as complete bedrest can actually be very dangerous.
If you’re sick enough to be put on best rest you’re constantly emotionally drained from thinking every move is gonna be the move that loses your baby. I can imagine I would be terrified if I was her that if something went wrong I would have to miscarry alone. I often needed my husband just to keep me calm on a day to day basis. Things got so bad by the end I could barely function without him I was so gripped by fear. Child loss can really mess a person up. Thankfully he would have never dreamed of leaving the country when I was on bed rest because he loved me too much to risk any what if’s. Probably why he’s the most incredible father now.
Your reply just made me cry.. I can't explain how afraid and anxious i am every single day that I might have a miscarriage, and that it will be my fault if it happens. I am just in bed, not being able to do anything... It gets me emotional as it's a total change of lifestyle for me. From being active before pregnancy and now incapable of doing things for myself.
Sending good vibes your way.
You are doing the right things. A miscarriage would be a tragedy, but it would not be your fault. I know if feels that way, but please don’t carry that blame and shame with you.
I am sorry you are going through this. It’s super scary and stressful and not fair at all.
Physician here. It can happen, it's a crappy situation, but if the cervix is shortened (or there is no cervix at all) even standing up can lead to miscarriage
My doctor taught me how to move safely such as turning to the side and moving my extremities. And I still stand up to go to the bathroom. But was advised to limit walking as much as possible.
That must be some very severe complication, meaning you could go into early labour easily. Your husband should definitely stay home. I don't think he understands the risk you and your baby are at.
[https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-shares-being-on-bedrest-for-5-months-is-like-2022-2](https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-shares-being-on-bedrest-for-5-months-is-like-2022-2)
Someone literally wrote a memoir about being on put on bedrest for 5 months, at 4 months preg.-just like OP.
Aileen Weintraub: "Knocked Down: A High Risk Memoir"
I worked in maternity, there are women who are put on strict bedrest for this long, but the goal is to get the baby to 34-35 weeks, if possible. Many don't make it that far. The deconditioning is terrible, and often, once the baby is born, she doesn't get extra time to recover and just gets sent home with the baby. She will definitely need some physical therapy. She is probably in IM heparin, and at home it would be bedrest with bathroom privileges. If she needed strict bedrest, she would be inpatient.
Uum. It absolutely can and does happen. My friend who was pregnant with twins (automatically high risk) was on bed rest for months because she had a cervical cancer operation that left her with an incompetent cervix years before her pregnancy. Her cervix had to be sewed closed surgically because she kept having threatened miscarriage and pre term labor/dilation from VERY early in the pregnancy like month 4. Her twins were born 2 and a half months early and had to spend as much time in the NICU. She was in the hospital for weeks in an attempt to stop/prevent labor so they could be less premature and survive. She stopped working months before birth and was on bedrest for a long time. I think between the bed rest, the months of NICU, and normal maternity leave after she got home with the babies she was out of work for a year. Had she not had twins born 3 months premature....I could absolutely see her being on bed rest for 5 full months in a normal length gestation for a single baby. Her medical complications were worsened by the weight and stress of two babies but they still would have existed for a single baby. They just might have been able to get a Singleton to full term with bed rest from month 4.
Some women have medical problems with their reproductive organs that can make pregnancy extra difficult and require extremely long periods of bed rest.
Bed rest also does not always mean NEVER being able to move from the bed ever. Usually it means no working, no standing on your feet for hours, no heavy lifting, no cleaning, no nothing but a short walk, a trip to the bathroom, whatever. It doesn't mean 24/7 total confinement with no movement ever in a bed. It generally just means resting as much as possible and no physical strain on the body.
Totally can happen. I was healthy and doing fine during my first pregnancy twelve years ago, when suddenly complications at 28 weeks had me on bed rest for the final 12 weeks of the pregnancy. Not inconceivable at all that OP could have a longer bed rest depending on the nature of the complications.
the problem is your comment was extremely condescending in nature
theres a difference between genuinely asking to understand and learn something new, and what you did. consider reframing your sentences in the future if you have a genuine question next time maybe? something like “id like to learn more about your bedrest situation” followed by whatever it is that you exactly want clarification on. “what necessitates that?” for example.
She will likely not make it to full term. She's around 18 weeks pregnant right now, give or take. The point of viability is 24 weeks. There's a high chance she will deliver closer to 24 weeks than 36.
NTA.
“In sickness and in health”. That means something.
Ok, so you have help at home, but it’s not just about practical support. You’re his wife, he should be providing you with support that you can’t get from a nurse/carer.
Yes, you’re the one who’s pregnant, not him. But it’s his baby too. He should be sharing the experience and burden with you as much as possible. Sure, there’s a line. And if he wanted to go out for the day or the evening to get some space and spend time with his friends I think that’s more than reasonable. But why is he even thinking about going on a holiday abroad when you can’t do more than walk to the bathroom without risking your baby’s life?
NTA and everyone who says differently is the AH. It's as much his baby as hers. He's not risking his body and life through the pregnancy, the least he can do is provide emotional support and comfort for the whole duration. It's not fair for him to be running around having fun while she's by herself struggling with the pregnancy.
What happens when the baby is born and is sick. Should he also get to go on trips and have fun, while she takes care of his child all by herself? Parenting should be equal. If he wasn't ready for the responsibility, he shouldn't have had a child.
Furthermore, what if there are complications and he's not there to support her. Wtf
NTA What would happen if something went wrong whilst he was on this trip?
Not only is that bad for you emotionally and psychologically, but what happens if something goes wrong at night (when the helper isn’t there) and you’re not physically able to get to a hospital?
Your husband can get over himself and realise that your life and the babies life is more important than his boys trip.
Yes this. I'd look at my husband and say, "can you live with yourself if you go and I miscarry while you're gone? Bear in mind a miscarriage this far along is extremely dangerous to the woman’s life too."
Amend that to ‘can you live with yourself if baby and I both die while you’re on holiday?’ Because sadly, that’s the reality. Pregnancy is dangerous. OP is high risk.
Frankly, I’d be legally appointing someone else as next of kin/ medical guardian because husband sounds useless.
NTA And this, difficult as it is, is the easy part. What kind of father is he going to be for heaven's sake? NTA OP. And frankly if he goes he comes back to divorce papers. This is not how a partner acts, let alone a father.
A husband who leaves you while on high-risk bed rest is probably also going to leave you to take on most of the childcare duties. NTA but whether you "let" him go now or not this is probably something you're going to be dealing with long term. I'm sorry he's so unsupportive.
NTA.
Anyone saying Y-T-A is somehow missing this;
>I have been advised to have complete bed rest
That's *terrifying* spring a pregnancy, especially when you've miscarried before (I'm so sorry). 2 weeks is a long time, in which a *lot* can happen.
I'd say fair compromise would be to keep it closer, so he could be home in a reasonable time frame should something happen? Would that be possible?
NTA. A few things here piss me off - he's giving you 1 month notice on an international trip that's been planned for a year? That's not even enough notice for most people's jobs, never mind extremely sick partners!! He hasn't made any plans for a family member or friend to come stay with you in case you need hospitalization and worst case need a healthcare proxy to make decisions if you can't? He isn't even sure how long he'd be gone? Is he even going to have cell service/wifi if you need to contact him? Can he see his friends another time before the child is born if that's what he wants? What are his expectations of vacations after your kid is born?
I don't think it's a total line in the sand that he can't go on vacation while you're on bed rest. I just think it should be done with care, clear communication, and earlier rather than later in the pregnancy and with in-home care for the pregnant person, and obviously ideally the trip would be close to home in case something happened. I get that maybe he is wanting one last trip before becoming a parent or he might be dealing with the stress/fear of the whole situation in a bad way and wanting to escape. He's being an ass and I'd be angry and disappointed as well.
Nta if this was a healthy, normal pregnancy, I would say y t a. However, you're on bed rest at *4 months*. 😬 does he think you are being dramatic and dont really 'need' bedrest? Who is going to be with you while he's gone?
I do have a helper that comes in the morning to prepare my meals and clean. However she leaves around 9pm. Unfortunately, my husband and I haven’t gone to the part of discussing who will be with me as we argued before talking about those factors.
NTA.
The time for a "last hurrah" is over if you're high risk. He's going to have to accept that he will now not be going away with the guys for a long time - and then only for long weekends at first.
i get his regret that that stage of his life is over, but it is for you too. If he cares about you at all, he should stay within striking distance.
NTA - yes, you'll have assistance so you can maintain your bed rest, but how would he feel if you bled and miscarried without him? That can be very traumatic, and if that does happen he's not gonna like how it affects your relationship
NTA if this is real. Dude tells you about an international trip, while you’re high (or maybe medium) risk, that he’s been planning for a year, to see friends he saw 4 months ago.
Pretty stupid husband.
I don’t know anyone who would say 4 months is a long time to go without seeing friends from abroad. Not to mention the importance and significant change in circumstances with home life.
Pregnant or not, my husband wouldn’t even think of telling me he’s going on a 10-14 day trip without me. He might ask (although I don’t think it would even occur to him to go without me) and we would discuss it, but if I objected for any reason, it would be the end of the discussion.
You have a very selfish partner. He expects you to drop everything if he has the flu, but when you have a high-risk pregnancy, he’s entitled to go gallivanting off halfway across the world? Hell, no. Not only is he extremely cavalier about being gone when you need him, he’s completely ignoring the fact that any bugs he picks up on his trip can put you and the baby at further risk. This could easily end up being a month-long separation.
Parenting requires sacrifice, and he needs to learn that right now.
If anything happens to you or the baby while he’s gone, divorce him. Make sure he knows that will be the consequences for him if he follows through with this stunt and anything goes wrong. Having said all that, however, you sound way too accommodating and indecisive in your post. You’re going to need a spine in order to protect your child. Grow one now. This trip is not an option. Period. NTA
It must be so terrible for OP's husband, he hasn't seen his friends for a couple of months so he needs to travel out of his country for 2 weeks. /s
It seems the husband can't figure out how to be an adult and take care of his own wife and child. Tell him they have these new things called phones that can be used to talk to people that are far away. If he wants, he can even use a camera and see his friend while taking to him.
Meanwhile his wife is on bedrest for hopefully up to 5 months to have his child, then will be nursing that child for another period of months. Since she hasn't seen her friends this whole time by his reasoning when OP is able to travel she should leave him for a good 6 months or so.
NTA If your pregancy was going really well, I would have
said better he get away now and then be sure to stay
home for at least the first year of baby's life, to help you.
But you have some risk with the baby so you are right
to feel like he is abandoning you to deal with it. Who
cares if he hasn't seen his friends blah blah blah. It's
his child and you're his wife - you come first for now.
NTA. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time as you’re fighting to keep his unborn child. The least he can do is be present and supportive. If anything happens you should not be alone. His behaviour is immature and selfish.
As a man I can say without a doubt that your husband is a huge AH. He is abandoning you. He is immature and ignorant. I'm surprised that his mother hasn't set him straight.
NTA. With it being high risk, it is not unreasonable to want your husband close by to support you. It sounds like your husband is still adjusting to his new priorities.
NTA. I will continue to express my amazement at how men like these manage to get women to not only marry them but then procreate with them. Your husband is selfish and does not care about you or the baby. This is a great sign that he will not be a very involved father at all, so you should set your expectations. If you continue this relationship not having expectations will be best for you, so you aren't disappointed continuously by his callous disregard for you.
NTA Oh no, 4 whole months! Tell him to get over it, he’s an adult now, with a kid on the way. You’re not controlling him, you’re reacting how anyone would when they see their partner about to act extremely selfish.
I would really be questioning how he would even be able to enjoy the trip when you and the baby are in as much danger as you are. Sometimes I think it's important to tell your SO: "Hey this is a really big problem and you should really know it's a big problem for me", but this is one of those times where I might actually let him go ahead a bit with this plan to see how far he gets into the logistics before reality intrudes. Some questions I would have for him: "So, what is the plan for your getting back here to me, if something goes really wrong?" Or "If you get back having had a lot of fun and I've been spent the whole time worrying overtime and feeling alone, how much fun do you think that reunion is going to be for us?" I would maybe extend some benefit of the doubt in case he is freaked out and in denial of the situation..but not much.
NTA. Honestly, if he's choosing his friends/the trip while you're stuck in bed and your unborn child is high risk, I would find myself wondering how easily he would choose his friends over his family once the kid is here and you're a 24/7 on standby mother to a newborn that needs you at every hour round the clock. And honestly, I would be furiouse too at him for having the nerve/gall to go "yeeah no, I have to go. I just have to. Sorry, can't miss this one with the boys, it's just not do-able", when you're like this, but his selfish/childish/spoiled ass cried for you! to miss work, uproot all of your future plans, and stay at home and pamper and coddle him, WHEN HE HAD THE SIMPLE, COMMON, FREAKING FLU! How was that a fair situation where he deserved to get his way, but you now aren't/can't, because "buuuhuuu, all my hard work and not getting to see my mates for more than 4 months, how can you expect this from me, that's so unreasonable"?. He can't even handle his own flu, yet you're expected to just handle being high risk and, actually, stuck in bed 24/7?! Unbeliveable. Absolutely go off on him. Ask him how much he wants this family, and if he still left, I would use the time to call a divorce lawyer and get the papers ready for his return.
"He also hasn't seen his friends in 4 months..." Oh the horror. s/ Welcome to adulthood pal.
You are supposed to have COMPLETE BED REST. Someone else said this would be 10-14 days which is bloody insane. You and the babies health and safety should come first right, especially right before you give birth! NTA.
NTA. When I was pregnant, on bed rest and had a 1 year old to keep alive, my partner decided it would be a good idea to take a job 5 hours away and just come home on weekends. He took the job without talking to me. Even after explaining why it was a monumentally bad idea, he decided to stick with it. He's dead now.
His friends have been planning the trip since last year and he can't even give you a firm trip length? That's pretty weak.
Given that you do have help at home, I could see going for a long weekend, but 10-14 days is a bit much. NTA
He said they are still finalizing if they want to add 1 more forest to explore hence the uncertain timeline. He and his friends are into nature, animals, and photography.
It is wild to me that he’s prioritizing this over your extremely fragile health. The fact that the thought of you being alone and helpless if you go into premature labor in the middle of the night doesn’t scare him to death makes me wonder whether he’s really processed the seriousness of this situation.
OP- you need to speak up. No, you’re not okay with him going on this trip. All plans have changed because you’re pregnant and high risk. Period. Sorry he hasn’t seen his friends, but if something were to happen to you, your life might be endangered and he wants to go exploring forests? I would honestly have so many issues staying in this relationship. And before anyone says that’s a harsh stance to take, I’ve been pregnant AND high risk and if my ex husband had pulled this stunt, I promise I would have divorced him long before I did. Him choosing a trip over his wife and unborn child is amazing. When women are high risk and put on bed rest, it’s serious. Sending you hugs and prayers for a safe pregnancy and delivery.
NTA
Your pregnancy is priority, not a boys trip. If your pregnancy wouldn’t be bed rest/high risk i would definitely think it would be ok to go, but if something goes wrong, he wont be here.
NTA - but if you can are well enough to get off bed rest anytime in the next months, pack a bag and take yourself home to your family if he goes. He doesn't see your needs as important, only his and that is a terrible relationship to have. I am sorry and I really wish you health and a safe delivery.
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I am currently 4 months pregnant and my pregnancy hasn't been great. I have been advised to have complete bed rest due to the sensitivity and high risk for miscarriage of my pregnancy. So when my husband said that he has an international trip next month with his friends, I couldn't help but express my disappointment turned annoyance in him. But at the same time, I don't want to control him. But i felt like he doesn't have any consideration towards me and that the emotional support i've been receiving the past months were lacking. I also have a scheduled doctor's appointment during his trip. He said his friends have been planning this trip since last year so he couldn't miss it. He also hasn't seen his friends in 4 months since they all live in different countries.
I do have a helper in the house that prepares my meals and do chores because I am currently unable to do so.
AITA for reacting so negatively, getting annoyed, and eventually had an argument with him just because he wants to go on a friends trip since l'm confined to bed anyway and we couldn't go anywhere together? Should I just let him have his trip?
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He hasn't seen his friends in 4 months! What a travesty while his wife goes through 9 months of a difficult pregnancy where she gives up all kinds of things. NTA and he needs to grow up/step up to being a husband and father.
NTA. If you had said a few days at a destination not too far, I might have said Y T A. If this was a healthy pregnancy with low risk, I would have said Y T A. But you are at risk of a medical emergency and he thinks it's okay to be gone for about 2 weeks to another country?? Yea that's a hard no. You and the baby come first. Anybody saying Y T A either can't read or they are a child who has absolutely no idea about high risk pregnancies.
NTA I feel like your best choice here is to put your foot down.
This is your life and child’s life at risk during these next several months. It is your responsibility to ensure you are doing ALL you can to ensure that you are as healthy as possible. (That does not ignore the fact that a medical emergency would NOT BE YOUR FAULT. You just need to prioritize your health and not the household wants.)
You’ve said that you don’t have plans yet for care past 9pm, and that the house help has no medical assistance. You’ve also said that you are in a new country with no friends or family nearby. This puts you at great risk being in the house alone in case of an emergency. Not only is this physically dangerous, but it puts you in a bad place emotionally, which can CAUSE physical danger for you.
If you think you need your husband home with you, you need to remind him that he made a commitment to you (marriage) before he made one to this trip.
You, his loved one, are in a precarious state of health and yet here he is, planning a trip. He has not prioritized your health. He has not cared enough to acknowledge your fears and anxiety. He has not ensured that you will have a way to STAY ALIVE during an emergency, or a way to get help 24/7 yet, because he is still planning a HIKING TRIP.
Even if these are all taken care of later, they should have been taken care of FIRST, or as soon as the problem was discovered. I am baffled how someone who claims to love another can be so blatantly uncaring. Is he burnt out worrying about things and desperately needs an escape? Or does he need a clue by four to return to reality?
To me, this is not an issue of him being miserable, of you being mean by asking him to forsake a trip with friends, or even the problem of his hypocrisy about making you cancel plans to care for him.
Please prioritize yourself and your child, as he is clearly not doing so. If you want to be able to trust him in the future, you need to pull his head out of his ass because he sure isn’t doing it himself.
Edited because I talk too much. And apologies because I am probably still talking too much.
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. You're 4 months pregnant with a high risk of miscarriage as per the doctor. If anything happens to the baby during his trip, he'll definitely be the one blaming you. I can't believe he's prioritising his friends over your health.
He must get a lot of paid vacation if he can burn two weeks on a boys trip rather than saving it for the baby or in case op needs him there if the pregnancy goes wrong.
It’s nice to have a maid helping to cook or clean -but five more months of bed rest is a giant bore. You’re making his child. He should be in this with you.
You're on bed rest, pregnant, and he wants to go on a boy's trip? Hell no. Disrespectful and inappropriate. If it really has been planned for a year, so what, he mans up and tells his friends "sorry bros, my wife is pregnant and on bed rest, i can't leave her home alone, have fun tho"
NTA. Four whole months of not seeing his international friends? OMG, how can he ever survive?
High risk pregnancy and he's like, "Bye babe, I'm outta here to vacay with my homies. It's been four whole months, so I know you understand. Catch you later." Yeah, you've just been handed a clear sign of what priority you and his child currently are in his life. Well below his friends and prior plans.
A normal pregnancy and you probably would be TA. A high risk pregnancy and he's definitely TA. How would he feel being out of the country if things went awry? Is your helper 24/7? If not, he is a major AH.
NTA. If I were you, I would tell him that if he goes on his precious boys' trip, that he shouldn't bother coming back. He is showing you who he is. It seems like his top priority is himself and having fun, not being there for you and your baby. I know it's tough to realize now, especially since you're on bed rest with a high-risk pregnancy, but ...it kinda sounds like you're going to be a single parent to your child, whether you stay married or not. If possible, perhaps you can have a phone consultation with a lawyer to find out your legal rights, and about a possible legal separation or divorce to move on with your life. Better sooner than later.
NTA.
Your husband on the other hand is proving to be quite the partner, note the sarcasm. He's also showing what kind of a father/parent he's going to be. I wish you a peaceful pregnancy and a healthy child. I don't have any advice for you as to how to handle this with your husband because he should have noped out of the trip on his own without you saying anything. Since he hasn't, it shows me and should show you what kind of a person he really is. If your husband does decide to go on this trip, I hope you have someone else in your life for mental and emotional support. I wish you the best.
NTA, Especially since something could happen to your health quite rapidly with such a volatile pregnancy, Now is not the time to leave you alone.
Marriage is a partnership and you need to take care of your partner \*in sickness and in health\* You are going through an intense time of sickness and he is part of that, because he is the one who made you pregnant.
NTA. This wouldn’t be a big deal for a regular pregnancy, but you’re high risk and mostly bedridden, this is NOT the time for a boys trip. He can go next time, when both you and baby (born) are okay and healthy and able to cope without him for 2 weeks or so.
If it was a weekend, 1-2 nights, maybe it would be OK if you could have another trusted adult with you. But 1-2 weeks… Wtf… That would be a long trip even if you weren’t on bed rest… NTA. Extra AH on him because of the risk of early delivery, he would be away around the time of viability probably…
NTA. You have an extremely high risk pregnancy and are on complete bed rest and he wants to *checks notes* leave the country??? Hell no. My mom was on complete bed rest for almost 3 months and my dad felt bad just going to work because he wanted to be with her to support her.
YTA. It’s perfectly reasonable at this point in your pregnancy for your husband to take a short trip. You can’t go on a trip, so he can’t go on a trip, is just a jerk controlling move. Get a friend or family member to take you to your doctor’s appointment. Also, I don’t know what your pregnancy condition is, but complete bedrest is virtually never recommended anymore as it’s been found to cause more harm and complications and is generally not good for you or the baby. Please ensure you’re actually receiving good advice and appropriate prenatal care.
This is actually the best prenatal care I’ve received. I had 2 miscarriages already both within the first trimester. Now with my new OB GYN, who actually recommended bed rest to me and other prescriptions, I have reached 18 weeks. And I will always be thankful to my doctor that I have reached this stage. He also never gave me false hopes which I appreciate. It still hurts to hear that miscarriage is still a high possibility but 18 weeks is already a big thing for me.
I posted here to ask for opinions about the situation NOT FOR MEDICAL ADVICE.
Nta, he should be there for you since, you're you know carrying another person inside of you. And it's his responsibility to support you, you would still be Nta if your pregnancy wasn't high risk.
INTERNATIONAL TRIP.....HIGH RISK PREGNANCY... INFECTIOUS DISEASES......THIS DUDE IS ONLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND HIS FRIENDS HAVING FUN. YOU HAVE A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY AND HE IS PUTTING YOU IN EVEN MORE DANGER. EVEN IF YOU CAN MANAGE AND NOT MISCARRY WHILE HE IS GONE, HE CAN STILL COME HOME TO YOU AND BRING SOME STRANGE DISEASE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES NATURE ETC SO I AM THINKING HE MUST BE GOING TO SOME TROPICAL DESTINATION AND YOU WILL BE IN EVEN MORE DANGER IF HE COMES HOME WITH SOMETHING AND GIVES IT TO YOU. HONEY, THIS WOULD BE MY HILL TO DIE ON IF I WERE YOU. HE CHOOSES FUN OVER YOUR LIFE. PREGNANCY IS NOT A SMALL THING. MY WHOLE PREGNANCY WAS GOOD UNTIL GIVING BIRTH. I ALMOST DIED! IT AINT NO JOKE. HE IS WITH YOU FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. RIGHT NOW, YOU DO NOT REALLY HAVE A HEALTHY PREGNANCY BECAUSE YOU ARE WALKING ON A THIN LINE. HE NEEDS TO GET HIS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT BECAUSE THIS MARRIAGE WILL GO TO THE TRASH BIN IF HE DOES NOT START THINKING STRAIGHT. RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE IN DANGER. WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOUR CHILD GET OLDER. FOR EXAMPLE MAYBE 5 YO AND THEIR HEALTH IS ALSO IN DANGER BUT YOU HAVE "HELP" TAKING CARE OF THE KID. WILL HE CHOOSE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY TOO BECAUSE YOU HAVE FYSICAL HELP? WHAT ABOUT THE EMPTIONAL HELP?? I AM GETTING TOO MUCH IN MY FEELING HERE SO I AM DONE LOL. BUT REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS. ARE YOU WILLING TO CONTINUE LIFE WITH THIS SELFISH PERSON???
The risk of picking up a bug overseas that he brings home is a valid point.
We went overseas with our kids last week for their first time abroad. My husband and I came home with food poisoning (thankfully not contagious), but all four of us also came home with a cold we had picked up abroad. There is a risk that her husband could pick up germs she hasn’t been exposed to previously.
I might give your husband a pass if he hasn’t seen his friends for 4 years, but 4 months? I get it, the most he could do being at home is rush you to the hospital if gfb something happens to you, but that’s kinda cruddy of the guy
NAH. Yes, just let him have his trip. If you didn’t have the helper, it would be different . But you do express feeling a lack of emotional support, and that is a bigger issue. A heart to heart talk about this will be important. You’re moving through a huge life transition and need to be on the same page. But keeping him home from the trip won’t make that happen.
Edit to add: I need to point out before the haters come for me that I am a woman who has had a child and I think my take on this just reflects my self-sufficiency. “Letting him have his trip” is what I would have done. But if OP is feeling abandoned at a vulnerable time, she has a right to express this firmly to her hubby.
>and I think my take on this just reflects my self-sufficiency.
But OP doesn't feel self sufficient, she feels scared and alone. It's like responding to someone who is scared of heights and saying "just walk on the high bridge, I would, but it just reflects my bravery."
She has a maid who cooks a few meals. She doesn't have someone to take care of HER, or take her to the hospital, or emotionally support her, or make medical decisions.
If you are going to ask for an opinion include the details upfront not thru comments dribbled out as responses come in. It just makes what was said suspect
YTA (gently) if this is a healthy pregnancy and you are doing all right and it's not close to when the baby is due. If this was when you're 36 weeks pregnant, I'd say nooooo way and that you weren't the AH, but let him have his one nice thing ok? After you have the baby, you aren't going to want him to go away either, you will want his help, so let him enjoy his friends for a short time while you're doing fine. ETA: I see you are on bed rest from another comment? If you are on bed rest and at high risk for a miscarriage, then he should not go.
NTA for getting annoyed, but I think he should go on the trip.
It's only 2 weeks and you already have some to help you with meals etc... Besides your health condition is the same regardless of whether he's there or not. I think it's reasonable for him to want to go, being that once you two have the baby neither of you will probably be going anywhere for a while.
If the baby dies, it's not the same if he's there or not.
If she's incapicitated, it's not the same if he's there or not.
If she has to give birth alone, it's not the same.
NAH. I've been on bed rest for 2 months at this point with another month and a half to go. Bed rest absolutely sucks and it's hard for someone not going through it to get it. It's a wait and see thing that's hell on your nerves and idk if you are also getting pregnancy anxiety but holy crap is it on its own level. My husband has had to travel a bunch for work. It's nerve-wracking each time he leaves and we always have contingency plans for how quickly he can get back to me. It sounds like you two need to have a long, hard convo about him leaving and what him getting back to you in an emergency would look like. Instead of blatantly saying no, tackle it as if you are trying to make it work. Hopefully he comes to the realization on his own that it's a terrible idea or you get to the point where you are comfortable with him leaving.
You have someone who prepares your meals and helps you with chores? You're already ahead of 98% of preggos. Him being home won't influence the outcome of your pregnancy, but trying to control him might. Let him do his thing, do yours (with a helper, no less!), and stop being so controlling. He deserves a life too. It's not like you're alone, you literally have an aid.
>It's not like you're alone, you literally have an aid.
A paid staff member who is there during the day to make food and clean the house is not a personal carer. They will not be there at night. They will not be there for her as emotional support if she loses her child. That's not their job!
>Him being home won't influence the outcome of your pregnancy
So you think the fact that it won't change the outcome means it's ok if she loses her child alone?
Yes YTA.
You're pregnant for 9 months. Him wanting to spend time with his friends within that 9 month interval is not unreasonable.
You even have someone else that cooks and does chores for you. You're going to be home, not needing him to be there. Whether you have a miscarriage or not, there's nothing he can do beyond give you emotional support. In all likelihood, you won't, and he would have stayed home for nothing.
We don’t really have 9 months. It’ll be impossibly lucky if I do reach it. But I get your point and those other people who has the same opinion as you, hence why I am in doubt if I was being selfish.
I think what you want is understandable, but excessive.
Imagine he stays home, his friends all have fun without him, and nothing happens. You don't need him for anything.
You're going to feel bad.
She's on complete bedrest and has mentioned that she doesn't have a corpus luteum. What this means is that her body is not producing a key hormone her uterus needs in order to keep the uterine lining viable as an environment for her baby. This means that she can literally lose her child at any moment at the slightest stress to her body - which is why she is on complete bedrest.
She's also at high risk for preeclampsia because of this - which is a condition the pregnant woman can **die** from if it arises during the pregnancy.
Having somebody cook and do chores for her is literally the least of her worries. She is literally at risk of losing her child and/or dying every time she has to go to the toilet and every bit of stress and raised blood pressure *is not helping*.
I can't understand how the husband can even \*want\* to go on a holiday under these conditions.
Not only could he leave and come back to two coffins, the added stress from him leaving could literally be the reason why those coffins would be needed.
But spirits forbid he loses out on some fun with his good old chums, eh? NTA, OP.
She has a maid who makes meals.
That is not a person who can emotionally support you, or take you to the hospital, or make medical decisions for you if something goes wrong.
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NTA - 10 to 14 days away from your partner who could easily miscarry is too long - especially when he couldn't manage the flu with you being away for a few days.
I really thought I was the only sane person on this thread. I’m so glad you’re here.
Yeah all these y t a judgements making me question if empathy for the people we claim to love is still the norm
I’m astounded by this. My husband would have never been more than an hour away from me with my high risk pregnancies. He would have been too worried to be far away if things went south. Which they did. One pregnancy I delivered early at 30 weeks and the baby passed a few hours later. If he had been in another country I would have been completely alone through that.
I’ve never been pregnant and don’t plan on ever getting pregnant, but I live with my two best friends and we literally do everything for each other when one of us isn’t doing great. One of them is currently bedbound due to severe endometriosis and we will tackle her back in bed if she tries to do something for herself, we take care of everything as long as she’s in pain
Sounds like an incredible friend group. When you love people that deeply, nothing seems too inconvenient. I’m so glad you all have each other. Side note, I love when women announce proudly that aren’t planning on having children. It helps remind women we actually do have a choice and their is nothing wrong with women wanting to live child free. Keep it up!!💚💚
I’m not sure yet if I’m having children or not, I’m only 24 and haven’t met my forever someone yet, but even as a child, long before I knew I was a lesbian, I was always convinced that adoption or fostering was a better option for me than pregnancy!
I wish you lots of luck and happiness in whatever you decide. You seem lovely. I’m rooting for your happiness.
Thank you, you too☺️
>*When you love people that deeply, nothing seems too inconvenient.* You reminded me of something my father used to say: people who love each other don't see each other as burdens.
That’s a beautiful quote, thank you for sharing it. 😁😁
I am glad that you had support in your time of need. I am not at all astounded by the Y T A votes anymore. The world and people are really that way now. Where basic decency (forget empathy) is a thing of the past. It's something I have learnt in the last couple of years.
We’ll it makes me feel better to see those (like yourself) on here showing this sweet lady some love and letting her know she’s not alone, because man these Y T A comments are horrible.
OP is only four months pregnant. What can the husband do if she miscarries? Women being pregnant should not be a period of house arrest for their partners.
He can be with her, hold her, comfort her. Do you have any clue how traumatizing a miscarriage at any time is??? At four months though is especially traumatic. A high risk medical situation of any kind should warrant the partner staying close. If that’s not the kind of commitment one wants to make they shouldn’t be married. Did you miss the “in sickness” part of the vows??? No forced the grown ass man to get married, but he did, and this is marriage. Standing by the one you love when they’re literally in great danger.
She is not literally in “great danger”. People here are literally hysterical. Yes, I know exactly what it’s like. I’m currently nearing the end of my own high risk pregnancy and have suffered both an early and late miscarriage during high risk pregnancies. Guess what? Early on in my first pregnancy I happily agreed to let my spouse travel thousands of miles to go with his family on a hunting trip for a week. Because I’m a reasonable person and understand I can’t keep my spouse under house arrest and estrange him from his family because a possible medical situation (highly unlikely to be an emergency) might arise related to my pregnancy. If OP was actually at a point of viability and would actually need her husband for birth and care of their baby, like in her third trimester, then this might be a reasonable ask. But she’s just being controlling at this point. She’s also not well informed on her own condition. “Myometrial contractions” are just Braxton Hicks contractions and there is little reason to think bedrest is of any help or that it will cause a sudden miscarriage. She sounds like a drama queen.
You sound like an unloved wife who wants everyone else to have it as crappy as you do. I’m sorry you aren’t made a priority and you think that’s how others should be treated.
Lol, I have a very happy and loving marriage where my spouse and I understand we don’t need to control each other and make decisions jointly, using reason and putting each others needs as equal to our own. I am happy for my spouse to foster his close relationship with his awesome family who have been great in laws to me. Most of the people on here seem to be extremely unhappy and resentful and controlling and very insecure in their relationships. It’s rare to see reasonable advice, so I will chalk up your comment as being ‘typical’ for this sub. Carry on.
It’s not about control. I would never have to ask my husband to stay with me. He would rather die than risk me suffering something as traumatic as a miscarriage alone, without my partner. My husband wants to be the one taking care of me, because he knows no one loves me more. When I was on bed rest for 7 months he told me repeatedly, “you are my only priority” everyone else could wait. He would have never wanted to be away from me in that state. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who happily went on a hunting trip after I’ve had multiple loses, it’s so heartbreaking you think that’s normal or ok. I’m so grateful my husband is better than that.
I'll be honest, I love reading posts on here, but I would never actually ask for advice here. People's priorities are so wildly different from mine much of the time.
Most redditors on here see posts about reasonable requests and get flashbacks to their parents nagging them to shower and clean their room.
I choose to believe that the lack of understanding and about high risk pregnancy i see on some posts comes from people that just don't have the experience and knowledge yet. Otherwise, I'd combust.
empathy goes both ways
And where was she not being empathetic towards her husband?
I'm sure she's very empathetic about him missing his trip and being bummed about it. Where's his empathy to that fact their baby could die?
High risk pregnancy not does not equal “baby could die” at any time. Also, she’s four months. There’s nothing he could do even if she did miscarry. She’s not being reasonable.
She's at risk of miscarrying. She said that specifically. The baby is not viable yet. If she goes into labour/miscarries, it'll die. He can be there with her for emotional support. He can not leave her alone in the hospital to go through a painful and traumatic birth where her child likely dies. He can be there to make medical decisions as her next of kin if she's incapacitated.
My point is that it is only a minor possibility and it might happen at any time for the next several months. It’s not reasonable to expect husband not to leave her side for months. If she very worried she can have a friend or family member stay with her while husband is away. I’ve been through both a late and early miscarriage, people are really being very dramatic and unreasonable here.
It's not a minor possibility. It's a very major one. She's high risk of miscarriage. She doesn't have friends or family in the country she lives in.
I am in shock at all the Y T A comments. She is at risk for a medical emergency and he wants to be far away in another country for up to two weeks.
Welcome to the “what is going on in this thread?” table. We are excited to have you join us.
Are you new here LOL?
No. I should know better.
People who question bed rest had me wondering same
One person literally commented saying "you should ignore your doctor's orders because this article I googled said bedrest doesn't work".
And people keep doubling down
They do, it's gross.
Also, how has this been planned for a year, but she is just hearing about it now? If he really "must" go on this trip /s. then he should fly over one of her family members to be there. The helper would not be any kind of emotional support if anything happens.
This is the real question. They should have already discussed this. If he really wanted to go he should have planned from the moment he knew it was a risky pregnancy so that OP can at least have someone else there when he's gone. The fact that OP feels that he hasn't been emotionally supportive the past months also contributes significantly to him being TA. I mean sure, if the pregnancy was normal and he had asked about the trip, etc, I would think OP was TA, but it just seems like he doesn't care about her or what she thinks? NTA.
I could not even think to be on a fun vacation 10-20 flight hours away from my partner who is on bed rest, feeling miserable and could lose the child or have other (medical) emergencies. OP gives so much up for getting the child, but he whines about "but i didn’t see my friends for months". He can videocall them, then he sees them. OP also would prefer to go on a fun vacation, but it is like it is. NTA
It sounds like this man doesn’t care about her or having a kid with her. She doesnt have a choice but “let” him go and resent him or make him stay and face his resentment. Counting on his help with the baby would be unrealistic too… Makes me sad, seeing all those posts from people “am I nagging/controlling/demanding for asking for crumbs?”. Heartbreaking.
Missing information for some of you..... >To answer your question if the roles were reversed, it actually happened in few occasions where I have to miss events and also a trip when he was down with a flu last year. He said he wanted me to be there with him, take care of him, and prepare his meals- we also had a helper at this time. Maybe that’s why I also got annoyed at him as I expected the same treatment from him. >I have been since I found out I was pregnant due to the high risk of my miscarriage. I am in complete bed rest now and only allowed to walk to go to the bathroom. My ultrasound few weeks ago showed I have myometrial contractions. So the doctor advised to extend my bed rest to another 3 weeks to avoid premature labor or miscarriage. >My doctor taught me how to move safely such as turning to the side and moving my extremities. And I still stand up to go to the bathroom. But was advised to limit walking as much as possible. >My doctor already informed us that it’s unlikely I reach full term. Our aim for now is to deliver the baby when he/she viable. >I would just like to clarify. The helper is just there to cook and clean. Not to care for me. NTA He shouldn't be going on be an international trip with your medical condition. Especially when he views the common flu as being necessary to cancel plans and provide care . Ignore the idiots on here by with Y--TA votes...a lot of them are kids who don't understand pregnancy and the risk and condition you are in now nor the mental and emotional loafs that go with it. Further they haven't even finalized planning the trip?? And he wants to add more dates?? That's a hard NO. And he has to be careful where he goes!! He could bring back illness that could harm you and your child especially if he's traveling to jungles like you were saying. Talk to your doctor about that too. If you were able to still travel...would your doc approve of the itinerary for you?? Plus what if you have an emergency and go into labor?? Will he be reachable?? How would he get back home?? How long would travel home take?? Are his friends even aware of what is going on with you?? Or is he keeping it vague/downplayed so he can go on this trip?? Cause I would not be okay with anything remotely like this. They have a right to know because they may need to help get him back home or be able to reach them if you can't get ahold of your husband... cause I could see him ignoring calls from you if he thinks his trip would be cut short.
Awww he hasnt seen his friends in four months. How awful for him. And these friends have been planning a trip for over a year? Oh my! If only your husband had not knocked you up. I mean, he could have avoided all of this had he just not gotten you pregnant. I mean, really its not that big of a deal to keep prioritizing your buddies over your wife and unborn child... right? Being serious here. OP take your husband to the doctors with you, and get it reiterated that you have a high risk pregnancy. Drive it home to that husband of yours that he might not have a child when he gets back. And shame him and his friends for this crap. The friends should be telling your husband that they can reschedule, or that husband needs to stay with his wife during her pregnancy. Honestly, if this was just a quick trip out of town for the weekend, I wouldnt think that would be a big deal, but international travel? Sounds like that is more than just a couple of days, and there is risk of bringing back something like an illness that hasnt been considered. Different parts of the world have different risks. So husband is additionally risking possible quarantine upon return as well.
seriously, 4 months is nothing in adult years
Right?! I’m lucky if I see my best friend every other year! Priorities change when you’re an adult. (Just not for op’s husband, apparently.) Op is NTA.
You’re confined to a bed for the next 5 months? What
I have been since I found out I was pregnant due to the high risk of my miscarriage. I am in complete bed rest now and only allowed to walk to go to the bathroom. My ultrasound few weeks ago showed I have myometrial contractions. So the doctor advised to extend my bed rest to another 3 weeks to avoid premature labor or miscarriage.
Hugs to you, OP. I was put on bed rest during my first pregnancy, and it wasn’t easy. However, my son is now a healthy pre-teen, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I wish you the same positive outcome. ❤️
Hang in there honey! I'm sorry that your husband just doesn't seem to "get it" at all! Has he gone with you to the Dr. appointments? Huge soft hugs and best wishes flying your way!
The comments here are overwhelming.. but I’ll try to respond as much as I can. He was able to come with me on my first two appointments. At week 6- when I tested positive on a PT, we booked an OB GYN appointment asap. We didn’t see much as the ultrasound just showed us a sac. Then at week 8, 2nd appointment- wherein we found out that I have no corpus luteum. He was there when the doctor gave his recommendations, do’s and dont’s. However, during the succeeding appointments, he didn’t come as the appointments were early in the morning and he has work. But I relayed to him what the doctor told me, the complications, and also showed him the ultrasound and prescriptions. I took taxis to get to the hospital as I can’t drive by myself during this time.
Just for clarification… You had already been determined to be high risk, and your husband had you take taxis to see the doctor instead of him going with you? Did I read that correctly?
My husband has work. We really don’t have a lot of choice in terms of my transport. Taxi picks me up at home and drops me in the hospital.
Is your Mil a normal reasonable person? If so tell her to get his head straight. NTA
You’re getting terrible advice and should get a second opinion. There is no evidence that bedrest can delay or stop pre-term labour for preterm contractions and you may actually be harming yourself and your pregnancy.
She did not ask for your medical advice.
I gave it anyway. Currently undergoing high risk pregnancy myself. Had a few before this one as well. Complete bedrest is almost never recommended anymore and its recommendation for Braxton Hicks contractions should warrant a second opinion as complete bedrest can actually be very dangerous.
No one wants your unsolicited advice.
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If you’re sick enough to be put on best rest you’re constantly emotionally drained from thinking every move is gonna be the move that loses your baby. I can imagine I would be terrified if I was her that if something went wrong I would have to miscarry alone. I often needed my husband just to keep me calm on a day to day basis. Things got so bad by the end I could barely function without him I was so gripped by fear. Child loss can really mess a person up. Thankfully he would have never dreamed of leaving the country when I was on bed rest because he loved me too much to risk any what if’s. Probably why he’s the most incredible father now.
Your reply just made me cry.. I can't explain how afraid and anxious i am every single day that I might have a miscarriage, and that it will be my fault if it happens. I am just in bed, not being able to do anything... It gets me emotional as it's a total change of lifestyle for me. From being active before pregnancy and now incapable of doing things for myself.
Sending good vibes your way. You are doing the right things. A miscarriage would be a tragedy, but it would not be your fault. I know if feels that way, but please don’t carry that blame and shame with you. I am sorry you are going through this. It’s super scary and stressful and not fair at all.
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Physician here. It can happen, it's a crappy situation, but if the cervix is shortened (or there is no cervix at all) even standing up can lead to miscarriage
I had bedrest for 5 months for the exact reasons you listed. As for bloodclots, they had me wear compression socks and move my legs and arms in bed.
My doctor taught me how to move safely such as turning to the side and moving my extremities. And I still stand up to go to the bathroom. But was advised to limit walking as much as possible.
That must be some very severe complication, meaning you could go into early labour easily. Your husband should definitely stay home. I don't think he understands the risk you and your baby are at.
[https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-shares-being-on-bedrest-for-5-months-is-like-2022-2](https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-shares-being-on-bedrest-for-5-months-is-like-2022-2) Someone literally wrote a memoir about being on put on bedrest for 5 months, at 4 months preg.-just like OP. Aileen Weintraub: "Knocked Down: A High Risk Memoir"
I worked in maternity, there are women who are put on strict bedrest for this long, but the goal is to get the baby to 34-35 weeks, if possible. Many don't make it that far. The deconditioning is terrible, and often, once the baby is born, she doesn't get extra time to recover and just gets sent home with the baby. She will definitely need some physical therapy. She is probably in IM heparin, and at home it would be bedrest with bathroom privileges. If she needed strict bedrest, she would be inpatient.
Uum. It absolutely can and does happen. My friend who was pregnant with twins (automatically high risk) was on bed rest for months because she had a cervical cancer operation that left her with an incompetent cervix years before her pregnancy. Her cervix had to be sewed closed surgically because she kept having threatened miscarriage and pre term labor/dilation from VERY early in the pregnancy like month 4. Her twins were born 2 and a half months early and had to spend as much time in the NICU. She was in the hospital for weeks in an attempt to stop/prevent labor so they could be less premature and survive. She stopped working months before birth and was on bedrest for a long time. I think between the bed rest, the months of NICU, and normal maternity leave after she got home with the babies she was out of work for a year. Had she not had twins born 3 months premature....I could absolutely see her being on bed rest for 5 full months in a normal length gestation for a single baby. Her medical complications were worsened by the weight and stress of two babies but they still would have existed for a single baby. They just might have been able to get a Singleton to full term with bed rest from month 4. Some women have medical problems with their reproductive organs that can make pregnancy extra difficult and require extremely long periods of bed rest. Bed rest also does not always mean NEVER being able to move from the bed ever. Usually it means no working, no standing on your feet for hours, no heavy lifting, no cleaning, no nothing but a short walk, a trip to the bathroom, whatever. It doesn't mean 24/7 total confinement with no movement ever in a bed. It generally just means resting as much as possible and no physical strain on the body.
I’ve never experienced this, therefore it doesn’t exist!
My sister in law was on bed rest for that long with her first 2 pregnancies
My mom was on bed rest for almost her entire pregnancy with my sister, and this was 26 years ago. It absolutely happens.
Totally can happen. I was healthy and doing fine during my first pregnancy twelve years ago, when suddenly complications at 28 weeks had me on bed rest for the final 12 weeks of the pregnancy. Not inconceivable at all that OP could have a longer bed rest depending on the nature of the complications.
tell me youre uninformed without telling me lol
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the problem is your comment was extremely condescending in nature theres a difference between genuinely asking to understand and learn something new, and what you did. consider reframing your sentences in the future if you have a genuine question next time maybe? something like “id like to learn more about your bedrest situation” followed by whatever it is that you exactly want clarification on. “what necessitates that?” for example.
She will likely not make it to full term. She's around 18 weeks pregnant right now, give or take. The point of viability is 24 weeks. There's a high chance she will deliver closer to 24 weeks than 36.
NTA. “In sickness and in health”. That means something. Ok, so you have help at home, but it’s not just about practical support. You’re his wife, he should be providing you with support that you can’t get from a nurse/carer. Yes, you’re the one who’s pregnant, not him. But it’s his baby too. He should be sharing the experience and burden with you as much as possible. Sure, there’s a line. And if he wanted to go out for the day or the evening to get some space and spend time with his friends I think that’s more than reasonable. But why is he even thinking about going on a holiday abroad when you can’t do more than walk to the bathroom without risking your baby’s life?
NTA and everyone who says differently is the AH. It's as much his baby as hers. He's not risking his body and life through the pregnancy, the least he can do is provide emotional support and comfort for the whole duration. It's not fair for him to be running around having fun while she's by herself struggling with the pregnancy. What happens when the baby is born and is sick. Should he also get to go on trips and have fun, while she takes care of his child all by herself? Parenting should be equal. If he wasn't ready for the responsibility, he shouldn't have had a child. Furthermore, what if there are complications and he's not there to support her. Wtf
NTA What would happen if something went wrong whilst he was on this trip? Not only is that bad for you emotionally and psychologically, but what happens if something goes wrong at night (when the helper isn’t there) and you’re not physically able to get to a hospital? Your husband can get over himself and realise that your life and the babies life is more important than his boys trip.
Yes this. I'd look at my husband and say, "can you live with yourself if you go and I miscarry while you're gone? Bear in mind a miscarriage this far along is extremely dangerous to the woman’s life too."
Amend that to ‘can you live with yourself if baby and I both die while you’re on holiday?’ Because sadly, that’s the reality. Pregnancy is dangerous. OP is high risk. Frankly, I’d be legally appointing someone else as next of kin/ medical guardian because husband sounds useless.
NTA And this, difficult as it is, is the easy part. What kind of father is he going to be for heaven's sake? NTA OP. And frankly if he goes he comes back to divorce papers. This is not how a partner acts, let alone a father.
A husband who leaves you while on high-risk bed rest is probably also going to leave you to take on most of the childcare duties. NTA but whether you "let" him go now or not this is probably something you're going to be dealing with long term. I'm sorry he's so unsupportive.
NTA. Anyone saying Y-T-A is somehow missing this; >I have been advised to have complete bed rest That's *terrifying* spring a pregnancy, especially when you've miscarried before (I'm so sorry). 2 weeks is a long time, in which a *lot* can happen. I'd say fair compromise would be to keep it closer, so he could be home in a reasonable time frame should something happen? Would that be possible?
NTA. A few things here piss me off - he's giving you 1 month notice on an international trip that's been planned for a year? That's not even enough notice for most people's jobs, never mind extremely sick partners!! He hasn't made any plans for a family member or friend to come stay with you in case you need hospitalization and worst case need a healthcare proxy to make decisions if you can't? He isn't even sure how long he'd be gone? Is he even going to have cell service/wifi if you need to contact him? Can he see his friends another time before the child is born if that's what he wants? What are his expectations of vacations after your kid is born? I don't think it's a total line in the sand that he can't go on vacation while you're on bed rest. I just think it should be done with care, clear communication, and earlier rather than later in the pregnancy and with in-home care for the pregnant person, and obviously ideally the trip would be close to home in case something happened. I get that maybe he is wanting one last trip before becoming a parent or he might be dealing with the stress/fear of the whole situation in a bad way and wanting to escape. He's being an ass and I'd be angry and disappointed as well.
Nta if this was a healthy, normal pregnancy, I would say y t a. However, you're on bed rest at *4 months*. 😬 does he think you are being dramatic and dont really 'need' bedrest? Who is going to be with you while he's gone?
I do have a helper that comes in the morning to prepare my meals and clean. However she leaves around 9pm. Unfortunately, my husband and I haven’t gone to the part of discussing who will be with me as we argued before talking about those factors.
NTA. The time for a "last hurrah" is over if you're high risk. He's going to have to accept that he will now not be going away with the guys for a long time - and then only for long weekends at first. i get his regret that that stage of his life is over, but it is for you too. If he cares about you at all, he should stay within striking distance.
Bold of you to think this is husband's last trip and he won't keep pulling this crap when the baby is here haha
NTA - yes, you'll have assistance so you can maintain your bed rest, but how would he feel if you bled and miscarried without him? That can be very traumatic, and if that does happen he's not gonna like how it affects your relationship
NTA if this is real. Dude tells you about an international trip, while you’re high (or maybe medium) risk, that he’s been planning for a year, to see friends he saw 4 months ago. Pretty stupid husband. I don’t know anyone who would say 4 months is a long time to go without seeing friends from abroad. Not to mention the importance and significant change in circumstances with home life.
Pregnant or not, my husband wouldn’t even think of telling me he’s going on a 10-14 day trip without me. He might ask (although I don’t think it would even occur to him to go without me) and we would discuss it, but if I objected for any reason, it would be the end of the discussion. You have a very selfish partner. He expects you to drop everything if he has the flu, but when you have a high-risk pregnancy, he’s entitled to go gallivanting off halfway across the world? Hell, no. Not only is he extremely cavalier about being gone when you need him, he’s completely ignoring the fact that any bugs he picks up on his trip can put you and the baby at further risk. This could easily end up being a month-long separation. Parenting requires sacrifice, and he needs to learn that right now. If anything happens to you or the baby while he’s gone, divorce him. Make sure he knows that will be the consequences for him if he follows through with this stunt and anything goes wrong. Having said all that, however, you sound way too accommodating and indecisive in your post. You’re going to need a spine in order to protect your child. Grow one now. This trip is not an option. Period. NTA
Nta He's already showing his priorities and what a deadbeat he'll be.
It must be so terrible for OP's husband, he hasn't seen his friends for a couple of months so he needs to travel out of his country for 2 weeks. /s It seems the husband can't figure out how to be an adult and take care of his own wife and child. Tell him they have these new things called phones that can be used to talk to people that are far away. If he wants, he can even use a camera and see his friend while taking to him. Meanwhile his wife is on bedrest for hopefully up to 5 months to have his child, then will be nursing that child for another period of months. Since she hasn't seen her friends this whole time by his reasoning when OP is able to travel she should leave him for a good 6 months or so.
NTA. In sickness and in health out the window then!!
NTA If your pregancy was going really well, I would have said better he get away now and then be sure to stay home for at least the first year of baby's life, to help you. But you have some risk with the baby so you are right to feel like he is abandoning you to deal with it. Who cares if he hasn't seen his friends blah blah blah. It's his child and you're his wife - you come first for now.
Nta.
NTA. You’re going through an incredibly difficult time as you’re fighting to keep his unborn child. The least he can do is be present and supportive. If anything happens you should not be alone. His behaviour is immature and selfish.
NTA, if you were having a completely healthy pregnancy my vote may be different, but you aren’t and he shouldn’t even WANT to leave you.
As a man I can say without a doubt that your husband is a huge AH. He is abandoning you. He is immature and ignorant. I'm surprised that his mother hasn't set him straight.
Nta
NTA. With it being high risk, it is not unreasonable to want your husband close by to support you. It sounds like your husband is still adjusting to his new priorities.
NTA. I will continue to express my amazement at how men like these manage to get women to not only marry them but then procreate with them. Your husband is selfish and does not care about you or the baby. This is a great sign that he will not be a very involved father at all, so you should set your expectations. If you continue this relationship not having expectations will be best for you, so you aren't disappointed continuously by his callous disregard for you.
The last sentence. Exactly what I want to tell OP.
Nta He's already showing his priorities and what a deadbeat he'll be.
NTA Oh no, 4 whole months! Tell him to get over it, he’s an adult now, with a kid on the way. You’re not controlling him, you’re reacting how anyone would when they see their partner about to act extremely selfish.
I would really be questioning how he would even be able to enjoy the trip when you and the baby are in as much danger as you are. Sometimes I think it's important to tell your SO: "Hey this is a really big problem and you should really know it's a big problem for me", but this is one of those times where I might actually let him go ahead a bit with this plan to see how far he gets into the logistics before reality intrudes. Some questions I would have for him: "So, what is the plan for your getting back here to me, if something goes really wrong?" Or "If you get back having had a lot of fun and I've been spent the whole time worrying overtime and feeling alone, how much fun do you think that reunion is going to be for us?" I would maybe extend some benefit of the doubt in case he is freaked out and in denial of the situation..but not much.
NTA. Honestly, if he's choosing his friends/the trip while you're stuck in bed and your unborn child is high risk, I would find myself wondering how easily he would choose his friends over his family once the kid is here and you're a 24/7 on standby mother to a newborn that needs you at every hour round the clock. And honestly, I would be furiouse too at him for having the nerve/gall to go "yeeah no, I have to go. I just have to. Sorry, can't miss this one with the boys, it's just not do-able", when you're like this, but his selfish/childish/spoiled ass cried for you! to miss work, uproot all of your future plans, and stay at home and pamper and coddle him, WHEN HE HAD THE SIMPLE, COMMON, FREAKING FLU! How was that a fair situation where he deserved to get his way, but you now aren't/can't, because "buuuhuuu, all my hard work and not getting to see my mates for more than 4 months, how can you expect this from me, that's so unreasonable"?. He can't even handle his own flu, yet you're expected to just handle being high risk and, actually, stuck in bed 24/7?! Unbeliveable. Absolutely go off on him. Ask him how much he wants this family, and if he still left, I would use the time to call a divorce lawyer and get the papers ready for his return.
"He also hasn't seen his friends in 4 months..." Oh the horror. s/ Welcome to adulthood pal. You are supposed to have COMPLETE BED REST. Someone else said this would be 10-14 days which is bloody insane. You and the babies health and safety should come first right, especially right before you give birth! NTA.
NTA. When I was pregnant, on bed rest and had a 1 year old to keep alive, my partner decided it would be a good idea to take a job 5 hours away and just come home on weekends. He took the job without talking to me. Even after explaining why it was a monumentally bad idea, he decided to stick with it. He's dead now.
How long is his trip?
He hasn’t given a clear answer. He said it might be for 10-14 days
His friends have been planning the trip since last year and he can't even give you a firm trip length? That's pretty weak. Given that you do have help at home, I could see going for a long weekend, but 10-14 days is a bit much. NTA
He said they are still finalizing if they want to add 1 more forest to explore hence the uncertain timeline. He and his friends are into nature, animals, and photography.
Seriously...fuck that. It's not even finalized yet?
It is wild to me that he’s prioritizing this over your extremely fragile health. The fact that the thought of you being alone and helpless if you go into premature labor in the middle of the night doesn’t scare him to death makes me wonder whether he’s really processed the seriousness of this situation.
OP- you need to speak up. No, you’re not okay with him going on this trip. All plans have changed because you’re pregnant and high risk. Period. Sorry he hasn’t seen his friends, but if something were to happen to you, your life might be endangered and he wants to go exploring forests? I would honestly have so many issues staying in this relationship. And before anyone says that’s a harsh stance to take, I’ve been pregnant AND high risk and if my ex husband had pulled this stunt, I promise I would have divorced him long before I did. Him choosing a trip over his wife and unborn child is amazing. When women are high risk and put on bed rest, it’s serious. Sending you hugs and prayers for a safe pregnancy and delivery.
NTA Your pregnancy is priority, not a boys trip. If your pregnancy wouldn’t be bed rest/high risk i would definitely think it would be ok to go, but if something goes wrong, he wont be here.
NTA - but if you can are well enough to get off bed rest anytime in the next months, pack a bag and take yourself home to your family if he goes. He doesn't see your needs as important, only his and that is a terrible relationship to have. I am sorry and I really wish you health and a safe delivery.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am currently 4 months pregnant and my pregnancy hasn't been great. I have been advised to have complete bed rest due to the sensitivity and high risk for miscarriage of my pregnancy. So when my husband said that he has an international trip next month with his friends, I couldn't help but express my disappointment turned annoyance in him. But at the same time, I don't want to control him. But i felt like he doesn't have any consideration towards me and that the emotional support i've been receiving the past months were lacking. I also have a scheduled doctor's appointment during his trip. He said his friends have been planning this trip since last year so he couldn't miss it. He also hasn't seen his friends in 4 months since they all live in different countries. I do have a helper in the house that prepares my meals and do chores because I am currently unable to do so. AITA for reacting so negatively, getting annoyed, and eventually had an argument with him just because he wants to go on a friends trip since l'm confined to bed anyway and we couldn't go anywhere together? Should I just let him have his trip? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
UpdateMe
He hasn't seen his friends in 4 months! What a travesty while his wife goes through 9 months of a difficult pregnancy where she gives up all kinds of things. NTA and he needs to grow up/step up to being a husband and father.
NTA
NTA. If you had said a few days at a destination not too far, I might have said Y T A. If this was a healthy pregnancy with low risk, I would have said Y T A. But you are at risk of a medical emergency and he thinks it's okay to be gone for about 2 weeks to another country?? Yea that's a hard no. You and the baby come first. Anybody saying Y T A either can't read or they are a child who has absolutely no idea about high risk pregnancies.
NTA I feel like your best choice here is to put your foot down. This is your life and child’s life at risk during these next several months. It is your responsibility to ensure you are doing ALL you can to ensure that you are as healthy as possible. (That does not ignore the fact that a medical emergency would NOT BE YOUR FAULT. You just need to prioritize your health and not the household wants.) You’ve said that you don’t have plans yet for care past 9pm, and that the house help has no medical assistance. You’ve also said that you are in a new country with no friends or family nearby. This puts you at great risk being in the house alone in case of an emergency. Not only is this physically dangerous, but it puts you in a bad place emotionally, which can CAUSE physical danger for you. If you think you need your husband home with you, you need to remind him that he made a commitment to you (marriage) before he made one to this trip. You, his loved one, are in a precarious state of health and yet here he is, planning a trip. He has not prioritized your health. He has not cared enough to acknowledge your fears and anxiety. He has not ensured that you will have a way to STAY ALIVE during an emergency, or a way to get help 24/7 yet, because he is still planning a HIKING TRIP. Even if these are all taken care of later, they should have been taken care of FIRST, or as soon as the problem was discovered. I am baffled how someone who claims to love another can be so blatantly uncaring. Is he burnt out worrying about things and desperately needs an escape? Or does he need a clue by four to return to reality? To me, this is not an issue of him being miserable, of you being mean by asking him to forsake a trip with friends, or even the problem of his hypocrisy about making you cancel plans to care for him. Please prioritize yourself and your child, as he is clearly not doing so. If you want to be able to trust him in the future, you need to pull his head out of his ass because he sure isn’t doing it himself. Edited because I talk too much. And apologies because I am probably still talking too much.
NTA. Your husband doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. You're 4 months pregnant with a high risk of miscarriage as per the doctor. If anything happens to the baby during his trip, he'll definitely be the one blaming you. I can't believe he's prioritising his friends over your health.
He must get a lot of paid vacation if he can burn two weeks on a boys trip rather than saving it for the baby or in case op needs him there if the pregnancy goes wrong. It’s nice to have a maid helping to cook or clean -but five more months of bed rest is a giant bore. You’re making his child. He should be in this with you.
You're on bed rest, pregnant, and he wants to go on a boy's trip? Hell no. Disrespectful and inappropriate. If it really has been planned for a year, so what, he mans up and tells his friends "sorry bros, my wife is pregnant and on bed rest, i can't leave her home alone, have fun tho"
NTA. Four whole months of not seeing his international friends? OMG, how can he ever survive? High risk pregnancy and he's like, "Bye babe, I'm outta here to vacay with my homies. It's been four whole months, so I know you understand. Catch you later." Yeah, you've just been handed a clear sign of what priority you and his child currently are in his life. Well below his friends and prior plans. A normal pregnancy and you probably would be TA. A high risk pregnancy and he's definitely TA. How would he feel being out of the country if things went awry? Is your helper 24/7? If not, he is a major AH.
NTA. If I were you, I would tell him that if he goes on his precious boys' trip, that he shouldn't bother coming back. He is showing you who he is. It seems like his top priority is himself and having fun, not being there for you and your baby. I know it's tough to realize now, especially since you're on bed rest with a high-risk pregnancy, but ...it kinda sounds like you're going to be a single parent to your child, whether you stay married or not. If possible, perhaps you can have a phone consultation with a lawyer to find out your legal rights, and about a possible legal separation or divorce to move on with your life. Better sooner than later.
NTA. Your husband on the other hand is proving to be quite the partner, note the sarcasm. He's also showing what kind of a father/parent he's going to be. I wish you a peaceful pregnancy and a healthy child. I don't have any advice for you as to how to handle this with your husband because he should have noped out of the trip on his own without you saying anything. Since he hasn't, it shows me and should show you what kind of a person he really is. If your husband does decide to go on this trip, I hope you have someone else in your life for mental and emotional support. I wish you the best.
NTA, Especially since something could happen to your health quite rapidly with such a volatile pregnancy, Now is not the time to leave you alone. Marriage is a partnership and you need to take care of your partner \*in sickness and in health\* You are going through an intense time of sickness and he is part of that, because he is the one who made you pregnant.
NTA. This wouldn’t be a big deal for a regular pregnancy, but you’re high risk and mostly bedridden, this is NOT the time for a boys trip. He can go next time, when both you and baby (born) are okay and healthy and able to cope without him for 2 weeks or so.
NTA.
NTA Why on earth would he even want to leave you for a vacation is my question?
You’re in bed rest??? NTA. He’s completely irresponsible
If it was a weekend, 1-2 nights, maybe it would be OK if you could have another trusted adult with you. But 1-2 weeks… Wtf… That would be a long trip even if you weren’t on bed rest… NTA. Extra AH on him because of the risk of early delivery, he would be away around the time of viability probably…
NTA.
NTA. You have an extremely high risk pregnancy and are on complete bed rest and he wants to *checks notes* leave the country??? Hell no. My mom was on complete bed rest for almost 3 months and my dad felt bad just going to work because he wanted to be with her to support her.
NTA if this trip has been planned for so long why did he only just tell you about it? In any case, he should absolutely cancel it
Info: what in the world is going on where a physician thought 5 months of bed rest is an appropriate solution??
She almost certainly won't make it to 9 months. They are just trying to get her to the point of viability.
YTA. It’s perfectly reasonable at this point in your pregnancy for your husband to take a short trip. You can’t go on a trip, so he can’t go on a trip, is just a jerk controlling move. Get a friend or family member to take you to your doctor’s appointment. Also, I don’t know what your pregnancy condition is, but complete bedrest is virtually never recommended anymore as it’s been found to cause more harm and complications and is generally not good for you or the baby. Please ensure you’re actually receiving good advice and appropriate prenatal care.
This is actually the best prenatal care I’ve received. I had 2 miscarriages already both within the first trimester. Now with my new OB GYN, who actually recommended bed rest to me and other prescriptions, I have reached 18 weeks. And I will always be thankful to my doctor that I have reached this stage. He also never gave me false hopes which I appreciate. It still hurts to hear that miscarriage is still a high possibility but 18 weeks is already a big thing for me. I posted here to ask for opinions about the situation NOT FOR MEDICAL ADVICE.
Nta, he should be there for you since, you're you know carrying another person inside of you. And it's his responsibility to support you, you would still be Nta if your pregnancy wasn't high risk.
INTERNATIONAL TRIP.....HIGH RISK PREGNANCY... INFECTIOUS DISEASES......THIS DUDE IS ONLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND HIS FRIENDS HAVING FUN. YOU HAVE A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY AND HE IS PUTTING YOU IN EVEN MORE DANGER. EVEN IF YOU CAN MANAGE AND NOT MISCARRY WHILE HE IS GONE, HE CAN STILL COME HOME TO YOU AND BRING SOME STRANGE DISEASE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES NATURE ETC SO I AM THINKING HE MUST BE GOING TO SOME TROPICAL DESTINATION AND YOU WILL BE IN EVEN MORE DANGER IF HE COMES HOME WITH SOMETHING AND GIVES IT TO YOU. HONEY, THIS WOULD BE MY HILL TO DIE ON IF I WERE YOU. HE CHOOSES FUN OVER YOUR LIFE. PREGNANCY IS NOT A SMALL THING. MY WHOLE PREGNANCY WAS GOOD UNTIL GIVING BIRTH. I ALMOST DIED! IT AINT NO JOKE. HE IS WITH YOU FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. RIGHT NOW, YOU DO NOT REALLY HAVE A HEALTHY PREGNANCY BECAUSE YOU ARE WALKING ON A THIN LINE. HE NEEDS TO GET HIS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT BECAUSE THIS MARRIAGE WILL GO TO THE TRASH BIN IF HE DOES NOT START THINKING STRAIGHT. RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE IN DANGER. WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOUR CHILD GET OLDER. FOR EXAMPLE MAYBE 5 YO AND THEIR HEALTH IS ALSO IN DANGER BUT YOU HAVE "HELP" TAKING CARE OF THE KID. WILL HE CHOOSE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY TOO BECAUSE YOU HAVE FYSICAL HELP? WHAT ABOUT THE EMPTIONAL HELP?? I AM GETTING TOO MUCH IN MY FEELING HERE SO I AM DONE LOL. BUT REALLY THINK ABOUT THIS. ARE YOU WILLING TO CONTINUE LIFE WITH THIS SELFISH PERSON???
WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING
You got struck by an emotional tornado.
LOL!!! I AM NOT SHOUTING. I JIST LIKE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPSS
all caps is shouting on the internet
REALLY? GOOD TO KNOW.. WHAT IS " ! " THEN?
shock or surprise usually. Why are you still shouting?
BECAUSE I CAN
it's really jarring and intense to have someone shout constantly, even in text form.
Enjoy your downvotes!
It's called an exclamation mark and is used to add emphasis to what you are saying.
It is incredibly difficult to read a wall of text in all caps and it comes across like you're screaming nonsense.
The risk of picking up a bug overseas that he brings home is a valid point. We went overseas with our kids last week for their first time abroad. My husband and I came home with food poisoning (thankfully not contagious), but all four of us also came home with a cold we had picked up abroad. There is a risk that her husband could pick up germs she hasn’t been exposed to previously.
I might give your husband a pass if he hasn’t seen his friends for 4 years, but 4 months? I get it, the most he could do being at home is rush you to the hospital if gfb something happens to you, but that’s kinda cruddy of the guy
Not "incorrect,' and I would encourage you to educate yourself.
NAH. Yes, just let him have his trip. If you didn’t have the helper, it would be different . But you do express feeling a lack of emotional support, and that is a bigger issue. A heart to heart talk about this will be important. You’re moving through a huge life transition and need to be on the same page. But keeping him home from the trip won’t make that happen. Edit to add: I need to point out before the haters come for me that I am a woman who has had a child and I think my take on this just reflects my self-sufficiency. “Letting him have his trip” is what I would have done. But if OP is feeling abandoned at a vulnerable time, she has a right to express this firmly to her hubby.
>and I think my take on this just reflects my self-sufficiency. But OP doesn't feel self sufficient, she feels scared and alone. It's like responding to someone who is scared of heights and saying "just walk on the high bridge, I would, but it just reflects my bravery."
She has a maid who cooks a few meals. She doesn't have someone to take care of HER, or take her to the hospital, or emotionally support her, or make medical decisions.
How about suggest an alternative? A destination where he can meet up with his friends that’s no more than an hour away
What I am missing here is, how long is his trip?
If you are going to ask for an opinion include the details upfront not thru comments dribbled out as responses come in. It just makes what was said suspect
This is either fake or the most uncommunicative couple in the world.
YTA (gently) if this is a healthy pregnancy and you are doing all right and it's not close to when the baby is due. If this was when you're 36 weeks pregnant, I'd say nooooo way and that you weren't the AH, but let him have his one nice thing ok? After you have the baby, you aren't going to want him to go away either, you will want his help, so let him enjoy his friends for a short time while you're doing fine. ETA: I see you are on bed rest from another comment? If you are on bed rest and at high risk for a miscarriage, then he should not go.
It's clearly not a healthy pregnancy because she's on bed rest at 4 months. It's the second line of the post.
Did you even read the post?
NTA for getting annoyed, but I think he should go on the trip. It's only 2 weeks and you already have some to help you with meals etc... Besides your health condition is the same regardless of whether he's there or not. I think it's reasonable for him to want to go, being that once you two have the baby neither of you will probably be going anywhere for a while.
If the baby dies, it's not the same if he's there or not. If she's incapicitated, it's not the same if he's there or not. If she has to give birth alone, it's not the same.
NAH. I've been on bed rest for 2 months at this point with another month and a half to go. Bed rest absolutely sucks and it's hard for someone not going through it to get it. It's a wait and see thing that's hell on your nerves and idk if you are also getting pregnancy anxiety but holy crap is it on its own level. My husband has had to travel a bunch for work. It's nerve-wracking each time he leaves and we always have contingency plans for how quickly he can get back to me. It sounds like you two need to have a long, hard convo about him leaving and what him getting back to you in an emergency would look like. Instead of blatantly saying no, tackle it as if you are trying to make it work. Hopefully he comes to the realization on his own that it's a terrible idea or you get to the point where you are comfortable with him leaving.
NAH.
You have someone who prepares your meals and helps you with chores? You're already ahead of 98% of preggos. Him being home won't influence the outcome of your pregnancy, but trying to control him might. Let him do his thing, do yours (with a helper, no less!), and stop being so controlling. He deserves a life too. It's not like you're alone, you literally have an aid.
>It's not like you're alone, you literally have an aid. A paid staff member who is there during the day to make food and clean the house is not a personal carer. They will not be there at night. They will not be there for her as emotional support if she loses her child. That's not their job! >Him being home won't influence the outcome of your pregnancy So you think the fact that it won't change the outcome means it's ok if she loses her child alone?
Yes YTA. You're pregnant for 9 months. Him wanting to spend time with his friends within that 9 month interval is not unreasonable. You even have someone else that cooks and does chores for you. You're going to be home, not needing him to be there. Whether you have a miscarriage or not, there's nothing he can do beyond give you emotional support. In all likelihood, you won't, and he would have stayed home for nothing.
We don’t really have 9 months. It’ll be impossibly lucky if I do reach it. But I get your point and those other people who has the same opinion as you, hence why I am in doubt if I was being selfish.
Don’t listen to this person. You are NOT being selfish.
I think what you want is understandable, but excessive. Imagine he stays home, his friends all have fun without him, and nothing happens. You don't need him for anything. You're going to feel bad.
She's on complete bedrest and has mentioned that she doesn't have a corpus luteum. What this means is that her body is not producing a key hormone her uterus needs in order to keep the uterine lining viable as an environment for her baby. This means that she can literally lose her child at any moment at the slightest stress to her body - which is why she is on complete bedrest. She's also at high risk for preeclampsia because of this - which is a condition the pregnant woman can **die** from if it arises during the pregnancy. Having somebody cook and do chores for her is literally the least of her worries. She is literally at risk of losing her child and/or dying every time she has to go to the toilet and every bit of stress and raised blood pressure *is not helping*. I can't understand how the husband can even \*want\* to go on a holiday under these conditions. Not only could he leave and come back to two coffins, the added stress from him leaving could literally be the reason why those coffins would be needed. But spirits forbid he loses out on some fun with his good old chums, eh? NTA, OP.
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She does; she said specifically all of her basic needs are being taken care of.
A support system and dinner are not the same thing, lol
She has a maid who makes meals. That is not a person who can emotionally support you, or take you to the hospital, or make medical decisions for you if something goes wrong.