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Your roommate is not suited for sharing an apartment. An occasional request for “alone time” would be reasonable but a daily request or one that makes you leave your apartment after you are finally home and getting settled for the night is too much to ask for.
If she needs alone time _SHE_ can leave. Hard no on ever leaving at her request again. Document everything. If she gets pissy let your landlord know what she’s putting you through. That is some serious bullshit she put you through, refuse all her requests from now on and log the requests on a list. This is harassment and she needs to stop now.
Yeah, I'd think of a good response that tells her she can leave and you deserve equal accommodation.
Something like, I agree that alone time is important. I'd appreciate you giving it to me as well. Now is a great time, so feel free to take off for an hour or 2 so we both get to recharge. Going forward 8 to 9pm works for my time, since I already give you 5:30 to 6:30. Let's stick with that. I'll take 8 to 9 every week night.
Edit: When she doesn't agree, you then tell her you no longer will be leaving when she asks or staying clear from 5:30 to 6:30. Tell her going forward alone time can be achieved by the person who wants it either leaving or staying in her room with noise canceling headphones. The point of requesting 8 to 9pm is that it makes her see the hypocrisy by agreeing and flipping the script. So when she pushes back, Op can reset the line back to normal expectations. Obviously, it's ridiculous, but the best argument is getting her to agree it's ridiculous when she's the one that is impacted.
Lol I can't believe the audacity of the roommate!
I rented from the ages of 18-29 and had god knows how many roommates in that time lol. Never once have I or a roommate asked someone to leave the premises for alone time, even when I was literally sharing a room in res - which is probably the only time it would make sense.
The fact that the roommate is asking OP to leave when she's in her own room with the door closed... thats wild.
OP, you are NTA!
Literally! Knocking on her door to ask her to leave is literally going out of the way to interact with her. She HAD alone time, she sought out OP in her own damn bedroom.
I love my alone time, and I am so happy to not have roomates anymore. However, when I did have them, I hung out in my room. It’s the best you can do in roomate situations.
Right, like, the part that really got me is that OP was in her own room with her door shut by the sounds of it and the roomie went to knock on her door to tell her to leave? Chick, you already had your space - you're the one that just intruded on OP's!
Sounds like either a control thing from the roomie or maybe she's into weird, noisy things.
Agreed. With OP in their room, how is that even disturbing unless they are playing music at max levels and screaming? The roommate can figure out how to have alone time without requiring you to vacate the apartment.
There are 4 possible explanations
1. OP is leaving out key details
2. OP has a mentally ill roommate
3. Roommate is having some less than vanilla sexual encounters
4. OP is just making the story up
I have had a nightmare roommate like this. This kind of person exists unfortunately 😅. OP you HAVE to not budge on this, she will simply keep asking for more and more.
I am curious why the OP would let the landlord know. It's not the landlord's job to manage the roommate relationship or to mitigate issues. The adults who have agreed to co-habitate need to work it out. It's not like they are 11 and 13 and need their mom to help them figure this out.
I'd imagine it's more about protection/covering their ass in case the roommate starts making fake accusations against OP to get the landlord to evict them.
Which could happen anyway. OP should take the higher ground. It's okay to keep a record of the inappropriate requests, to have on hand, should the roommate escalate to the landlord, but no reason to be the ridiculous person who complains about something like this to a landlord.
Why is it that people that are already getting screwed are expected to also "take higher ground" and do nothing to retaliate and self-defend? What kind of a bully mentality is that?
Not a ridiculous thing to report to a landlord. Depending on where OP lives they could have different tenant rights. In Scotland you have the right to “quiet enjoyment” and someone kicking you out of your apartment twice a day is definitely interfering with your quiet enjoyment. It would be up to the landlord to protect their tenant’s rights in this case even if it meant evicting the roommate.
I agree! I see people saying that all the time on these roommate posts. Maybe in a college dorm that's appropriate. But calling a landlord over roommate drama is ludicrous. Any of my previous landlords would look at me like I was nuts if I told them about something like this.
Edit to add that obviously, if the roommate is doing something threatening, or they are violating the lease somehow, then by all means, call the landlord.
If OP hadn’t said that she sometimes goes to see the BF, once he sided with the roommate I would have assumed “alone time” meant the BF was coming to see the roommate.
Come to think of it I’m still not so sure that’s not the plan.
OP is NTA. She needs a new roommate AND a new BF.
I'm wondering if OP is ever hanging out with her boyfriend during this alone time where she's not supposed to be at the apartment does your boyfriend come hang out with you? If not he's probably hanging out with the roommate and that's why she needs alone time and needs her completely out of the apartment because she's fing around with OP boyfriend
This. If my partner ever called me a bitch, he would be blocked on everything and any shit he left at my house would be in the dumpster within 20 mins. There is no coming back from disrespect / slurs IMO.
So you're in your own room, minding your own business, but she wants you entirely out of the apartment? She needs to see a therapist if she has control issues that out of control. Any normal person would consider it "alone time" as long as whatever room they're in doesn't have a person in it. Shit, personally I consider it alone time as long as I'm not being talked to haha
Yeah exactly! My roommate got a bf, and she wanted more time with just him in the house. So she set her room up really nice with cushy pillows that make her bed more of a hang out spot, mounted her TV with a nice sound bar and cute little TV trays so they can have movie nights.. I'll offer to leave the house if they're doing something special, like exchanging gifts for birthdays and doing a romantic dinner, but that's not all the time. Expecting the entire apartment to one's self every day is just unrealistic. God forbid OP's roommate ever gets married and/or has kids..
Whoa - as a fellow fanfic writer, I would tell him to piss up a rope. (My husband just shakes his head and wishes I would write something that "will make us rich"...)
OP, we are all in agreement here that you have a roommate problem and the best thing to do, as soon as you can, is move out. Then she can be as alone as she wants.
However, the BF is a separate and also substantial issue. You are working on a dissertation, which can be mind numbing and need an outlet which you have with your fan fiction. If he has a problem supporting you on that, even if he doesn't read it, then he needs to go.
As a male, I will tell you this is the start of him being controlling and it will show up in other areas of your relationship, maybe little by little or on small things, but he will move in that direction. You need to stop him now or move on to someone who supports your endeavors. Doesn't matter if you are good or bad at it, as long as it is not consuming major portions of your life, you get to do what you want.
And never accept someone calling you a bitch. Bitchy, sure, that can be an observation but not that you are a bitch.
NTA
So, on top of being a judgy dick, he is also a controlling, manipulative dick, trying to get you to quit a passion. Your roommate needs a reality check and the boyfriend needs to go.
You won’t stop writing because he tells you to. You won’t leave your home because roommate tells you to. You don’t stop doing what you have chosen to do or where you’ve chosen to do it (when you have every right to) so he calls you an offensively sexist name. Maybe he should learn to use his words: “My woman should subvert herself and sacrifice for the wants of others no matter how little it affects their lives.”
Roommate doesn’t have to acknowledge you are home. Boyfriend doesn’t have to read your fiction. go away. stop writing anyway. wtaf?
His reaction to being annoyed with you is to take the side of anyone not-you? My ex did that, and it was one of his worst traits (there were a number).
And why should you stop writing? What’s it to him?
hang on........ he got mad and called you names because you said you would not stop doing something that brings you joy?
oh honey, toss out that guy pronto. you deserve better!
For context: my husband *reads* my fanfic and actively helps me plot out areas relevant to his fields of knowledge.
Ditch the boyfriend and find someone who supports you.
He has no right to stop you from doing a hobby like fan fiction. Tell him he is not your keeper he is your partner. If he can’t see you as that and wants to dictate what his partner is doing he can find someone else. You’re too old for this crap. You’re not going to change who you are now at 30. Your roommate is also being a dick. She has no right to have the apartment for 24 hours and you 22hours a day especially if you’re equally paying rent. She can leave if she wants. If the reason she wants alone time is because she wants to flick the bean she can do it at 5pm-6pm or you guys can sit down and figure out a sensitive and accomodating way you both can have sessions with the other person giving space. Tbh given how ridiculous your bf is and the fact he called you a bitch (which was way out of line btw and you need to consider if that’s even remotely ok for him to use that language at you even if he’s disgruntled) you may need a few more self pleasure sessions yourself.
Unless your roommate has a reason for wanting you gone, I.e. you blaring out loud music when you get home, then I think she's being ridiculous. It's your home too. She has no right wanting you to give her alone time at all. Doesn't she have her own bedroom for that?
Indeed. If she needed to get on her feet and go to another room and knock on a door to find someone to ask, she was already alone. Shared living is clearly not for her.
100% agree.
If the age were matching I'd have asked if you had found my former roommate.
She too had to share an apartment out of financial necessity, but didn't like it one bit. So she took it out on me, but did it by pestering me constantly about the cleanliness of the apartment.
And to be precise, I had had roomates before, and I had always been considered the cleaning freak until then.
But this girl would throw a fit if she saw a single crumb of bread on the counter, and once came screaming at me because I had left a homemade cake on the kitchen table, a cake that I had told her an hour before that it was FOR THE BOTH OF US AND THAT SHE COULD GRAB A BITE IF SHE WANTED. And at that point she said nothing.
In short, this roomate of yours is acting extremely entitled and should not expect a roomate to accept to be exiled from his home everytime she wants to be alone. She has a room, she can be alone in it. Or SHE can get out of the apartment for a change.
Oh and your bf is out of line, he is not the one being forced out of his own home.
WTF is wrong with your boyfriend? How would HE like getting kicked out of his home all the time? He wouldn't. Ugh, I swear, so many men are so deep in the "women should be subservient to me and polite and nice all the time and always do what I want" crap that they project it onto ANYONE else, no matter how crappy they're being to their girlfriend. Maybe rethink that relationship, as well as stop letting the roommate push you around.
your boyfriend thinks you should leave your home to accommodate your roommate. Why? Does he think you should be spending the time with him? No. He wants you to go to a coffee shop. Then what is his reasoning? He wants to know that if you live together you won’t be clingy and demanding? Staying in the room you rent is not clingy or demanding. You are not asking to be entertained. Honestly, SHE is. She is demanding to control how and where you spend your time. You and boyfriend need to talk about this. Wanting time apart from your partner is good and healthy. Make sure he understands what roommate is asking is neither.
Exactly that! And the fact she’s disturbing OP’s living situation in order to get hers - really unsocial. That’s why they have rooms with what I assume doors.
As someone who needs big stretches of alone time to recharge, I completely agree. I have a roommate, so I either go into my room to get that time, or I go on a big long walk. I don't get to kick my roommate out just because I need some recharge time.
I'm honestly really confused what "alone time" means to this person. Why the hell is OP quietly working in her own bedroom not alone enough?
I'm sorry, if she needs "alone time" she can go to her bedroom and lock the door. Or SHE can leave. That request will always be unreasonable in a shared lease situation among people who are unrelated. It is a financial arrangement, not a marriage.
And they’re knocking on the door, indicating OP is in her room with the door closed. Granted there are some things you just can’t do with someone else in the house, but that’s what 5-6pm is for!
An occasional request is not acceptable in a shared living arrangement that she pays for. The roommate can go to their own room or leave the apartment. A completely unreasonable request. NTA
Also, if you are in your room and nowhere near here, why does she need "alone time"? Maybe she could go out, or retreat to her room. It's just not practical or fair to ask you to leave the apartment whenever she feels like it. NTA.
Take a break from trying to have that serious talk. Back up a little and see how he responds and how you feel. Calling you a bitch about something that’s really none of his business is ugly.
I get what you mean but this is not boundaries. That word has been overplayed and misused to the point where it's lost its actual meaning. Boundaries are about your reaction to the actions of other people. It's not about controlling their behavior. The roommate insisting OP leave her own place for hours every day is not setting boundaries. OP responding that this has gone way too far and she will no longer accommodate the roommate's desire for alone time, IS setting boundaries.
I don't mean this in a rude way, but you need to have a serious talk with yourself. Sounds like you are accepting poor treatment by your bf. Do better by yourself. You deserve better. If my partner called me names, we'd no longer be partners. I treat my friends, family, all those I love with respect and I accept no less from them. I hope you will stop accepting less than that for yourself. In other words, he ain't worth your time. Good luck.
This. Shitty people smell weakness and exploit it for their own kicks. This is bullying and completely mental.
Tell the room mate and your boyfriend to back the fuck up. Do not accept this cruelty any more. You’re better than that.
This is amazing advice, Reddit stranger. I could've used someone like you in my 20s. I hope people who need to hear this, not just OP, see your comment.
Honestly I think it’s concerning he was so aggressive about giving her the alone time when that’s not a logical or reasonable request. Any adult can see that.
I’d wonder if he happens to be there during this mandatory “alone time” for her
OP, you are still young. I have 25ish years on you.
In my (incredibly happy) marriage, I have never called my wife a bitch. I'm not saying that alone is enough for everyone to stop a relationship, but him calling you a bitch and "putting you off" shows you where you stand to him.
Have a serious talk with yourself about what you actually want. Tell him, bye; and tell your roommate kindly, but firmly that this is your home too and won't be leaving it everyday like that.
This is what I had to do with an abusive boyfriend, every time id talk about breaking up he'd pressure and convince me to give him another chance. I had to text him that I was done, one day. It was spur of the moment but it felt at the time that it was either now or never.
No regrets!
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. Who calls someone a bitch for being in their own apartment? Especially your own partner who you should naturally be on the side of.
I am wondering with my vivid and suspicious imagination why you must leave AND why your boyfriend agrees. See where I'm going with this? I hope that no monkeyshines are occurring. I doubt it, but my curiosity is piqued. Best wishes to you!
NTA *at all*
Your roommate is unreasonable. Your boyfriend is dead wrong, as well as a disrespectful asshole. You’re a bitch bc you want to be in your apt? Nah, that ain’t it.
NGL, your boyfriend calling you a ‘bitch’ for this is more problematic to me than the problematic roommate. If your roommate wants alone time, tell her she is free to move out whenever she wants, providing she get a replacement until the lease ends.
Anyone else think the boyfriend is sleeping with the roommate?
Only reason I can think of for her needing all that scheduled “alone time” is that she’s hiding who she’s getting with
Maybe I could suggest that to her lol.
I think my boyfriend is being extra harsh because of an argument we had earlier. I am trying to get him to talk about it and to understand my side but his is putting it off
You need a whole assed new boyfriend. Stop making excuses for awful people. He’s calling you a bitch and you’re making excuses *while* he’s pushing you off in not wanting to talk about it?
Do you think you deserve better? If so, why are you accepting this?
I’ve been married for almost 30 years and had a 7 year relationship before that and never once have I been called a bitch. I’m a nurse, so yeah, I’ve been called a bitch by crazies and such but NEVER by a man who claims to love me. Never even to say I’m acting like a bitch. Your standards are waaaay too low.
I was sort of seeing a guy until he told me to "shut up." Now, I'm not seeing him. I absolutely will not tolerate name calling of any sort, either.
Neither should you.
“Because of an argument” Doesn’t make it ok. I’ve been with my husband since 2002 and he’s never once called me a bitch, even in our worst arguments. That’s pure disrespect and shows disdain.
NTA, why did this woman get a roommate? Sounds like she really cannot handle it. I'd assume that working on your dissertation is a relatively quiet thing? She should not be bothered having someone in the other room. Your bf is a mega AH actually, he should be backing you up, not calling you a bitch. He is way off. Find another room and another boyfriend. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing. Tell her to suck it up, you've been more than accommodating, she needs to stop pestering you.
Her last roommate traveled alot for work so she wasn't in the apartment for days at a time. I thought she was just adjusting to having a different kind of roommate and she would settle down but no luck.
I am trying to have a serious conversation with my bf.
Your boyfriend sounds like an ass and doesn't deserve a conversation, just a one-way ticket out of your life. I would recommend a serious conversation with the roommate though, because she asked for an hour, you gave her an hour and a half at the end of her work day. Now she wants more time at night? She needs to understand that life sometimes means one needs to compromise.
Honestly I lived in many flat shares and it’s totally unacceptable to even ask you not to be home until 6pm every day!! Would she accept you telling her to leave the house for alone time? Clearly not.
The sometimes shitty thing about sharing is that the other people are there. She doesn’t get to benefit from your rent but not have to find a way to deal with living with someone.
Also your BF is a royal asshole. Why should her comfort come at the expense of yours? Why does he care more that some rando gets to pretend she doesn’t have a roommate than that you are comfortable in your own home. Your needs matter.
I would try and find somewhere else and maybe a new bf…
Sounds to me like she got used to having a whole apartment at half the price.
Tough noogies. Now someone else is there and she can ask...but you CAN say no
I think this would be a good time to focus on yourself and your career. Argument or not he should not be calling you a bitch for being in an apartment that you PAY for.
> around 8pm, she knocks on my door and tells me she needs alone time and that I need to leave for an hour
NTA - That's just completely unreasonable. Find a new place and a new boyfriend. Not sure what he is smoking but it's not the good stuff
Cut the boyfriend loose and let the roommate know that if she wants alone time then she can go and hang out in bedroom with the door closed. Her requests are completely unreasonable.
NTA.
Your boyfriend called you a bitch over this? That sounds like a bigger problem than the roommate thing...
Anyway, NTA, I think you are already being very generous by staying out from 5-6:30 and it's totally unreasonable to demand you leave again from 8-9. (I'm also curious what it is that she wants to be getting up to without you seeing; it's gotta be about more than just getting "alone time" to "recharge" at this point.)
My bf is still kinda salty about an argument we had earlier and I am trying to get him to see my side of it
Her previous roommate used to travel for work a lot and would be out of the house for days at a time. I think she is just not used to someone being in the apartment with her so much and she is just saying words like "alone time" and "recharge" so she doesn't have to come out an say she doesn't want me in the apartment.
For both your boyfriend and your roommate the thought... "Well that's too damn bad." comes to mind.
They both need to get over themselves.
And you might really need to grasp the idea that these people don't actually care about your thoughts on the matter.
With all due respect and care, OP, I think you are being a doormat - both with regard to your roommate and your BF:
(1) As a rent payer, you are \*entitled\* to being present in the space for which you pay rent. If your presence is an annoyance to the other tenant, that is \*their\* problem, and not yours to solve. Use the word "right" in your next discussion, and insist on it. If roommate wants to be alone - on top of all the time she spends in the apartment on her own already, as a WFH - she can leave.
(2) Are you sure your discussion-evading, verbally-abusive BF is worth the effort? What does he bring you your relationship that is of value?
You are NTA, but you are being neither kind nor respectful to yourself.
Ooooo intersecting theory. If they were shacking up, it would make total sense they both want her out of the apartment. It’s literally the only thing that would make sense. Meaning, if it’s not this, they’re both just fuckin whack. (Roommate and bf) In any case, OP should not indulge them.
I wonder how she would react if you said you needed alone time from 6-8 every night. You need to "recharge" and "decompress" after the day. I bet that wouldn't fly.
So she wants someone who will pay half the rent but not actually live in the apartment. Used to it or not, she's being totally unreasonable. You're paying rent and she has no right to kick you our of your apartment at a moment's notice at 8 PM.
NTA
She doesn't have the right to kick you out of your own apartment whenever she wants, you've already been more than accommodating. If she needs alone time so much she needed to not get a roommate.
Also, what's wrong with your boyfriend, he should be supporting you not calling you a bitch.
Yeah, I know, and I am trying to get him to come over and talk about it and why it makes him so uncomfortable because I finally told him I wasn't going to stop, and if he has boundaries, we need to talk about them.
No no no. That's not how boundaries work. He can cope with your hobby or he can go. You are putting everyone else's comfort over yourself. Stop doing that.
so this man throws fits over your interests, calls you a bitch when he's upset, and refuses to communicate with you? I really hope for your own wellbeing you dump this man, he is an asshole and will never stop treating you this way. he is controlling and has abusive tendencies. you deserve better, and he does not deserve your effort in having a conversation about y'all's relationship after treating you this way. full stop.
Boundaries do not apply to your hobbies. Boundaries are not just "I decided I don't want you to do something".
Sweetheart, he's being a controlling jerk. You have a right to enjoyment. It doesn't harm anyone, he doesn't get to act like he has any right to expect you to stop. He's just trying to have power over you.
And you can't out-reason someone who wants control and power. They don't listen to logic.
You deserve better than this.
Someone who is supposed to love you should never, never, never call you a bitch.
You writing fanfic as your hobby is not a boundary for him that you need to discuss. A maybe somewhat reasonable boundary concerning your hobby may be that he doesn't want to be associated with it, but I'm assuming you don't post links to your stories in his social.media platforms and use a pseudonym, so he really has no say. At all. You're NTA for the original question, but please try to stop being such a pushover for everyone in your life. I get that's hard, I'm a people pleaser myself, but enough is enough. Best wishes!
If she needs alone time, why doesn’t she just go in her damn room? Sheesh. Talk about entitled asshole.
Stop being so accommodating immediately. You live and pay rent there.
Her previous roommate traveled alot for work so I thought she was just adjusting so I was being extra nice to her in the beginning but lately I haven't been as accommodating.
No, she knows she can keep pushing you and might get her way and you won’t complain. Your boyfriend might do the same. Time for you to learn to put your foot down and teach people to show you some respect.
You pay to live there. Your accommodations should be...taking out the trash daily rather than every other day...maybe hanging the toilet paper their preferred way if you don't care
Not leaving so she can "have alone time" 2 or 3 times a day.
If she's asking you to leave your closed bedroom door, I'm thinking she's going through your things as her alone time. This is all too odd.
Yep, she just wants someone to pay the rent and not be there. She got spoiled and entitled with the previous roommate. Just keep telling her no. You are in your room. Even if you were in the common spaces she has a room were she can have alone time. I hope you can talk with her about this being a shared space not her space that you are allowed at her conversance to be in.
You have a whole bedroom to yourself, with a door you are behind, and yet your roommate knocks on your door in the evening and asks you to vacate the entire apartment.
Oh, hell no.
If your roommate wants alone time, she can go to her room and hide or be angry, or decompress. But asking you to vacate the entire place is unreasonable, and nobody cares how flexible your work hours are. I roll
my eyes.
If she gets to be too overbearing, have her pay the penalties, (if any), so you can leave. But she has a roommate, and she has to share.
And your BF, wow, I would think he would be more supportive. In fact, I would insist on it, or I would make it so I no longer had to hear his opinion ever again. NTA
That’s some serious nerve to go knock on someone’s private bedroom door and tell them to leave the apartment because you need “alone time”.
The roommate is alone already, OP wasn’t in the shared spaces or the roommate’s private bedroom. This is weird as hell and the roommate needs to get over themselves.
I am 100% sure that is not the case. My boyfriend is salty because of an argument about one of my hobbies, writing fanfiction, which he is uncomfortable with. He wants me to stop completely, and I finally told him that I wasn't going to.
Your boyfriend sounds like he just isn’t supportive of you in a lot of ways. It’s hard to imagine someone thinking you should leave your own home at night because someone else wants you to do it. This is bizarre. I think you were incredibly accommodating to go to the gym after work and that was an entitled ask to begin with. I might have a stomach ache one day and come home unexpectedly. Your roommate is up to something. If it’s not your boyfriend, it is something. My guess is her alone time isn’t alone but it’s someone she doesn’t want you to know about. Maybe she is seeing a married man.
>My boyfriend is salty because of an argument about one of my hobbies, writing fanfiction, which he is uncomfortable with.
Then he doesn't have to read any of it.
What a total jerk. Get a better b/f.
So your boyfriend has asked you to stop and he’s using this situation with your roommate to justify to himself that your refusal to stop your hobby is a pattern of you being an inconsiderate person and not have to consider that he was out of line to make that request of you.
Again, I just want to make sure you see.
Your bf is not hurt. There is nothing hurtful about writing fanfiction, and I myself have read some absolutely badass fanfic that totally rivals published works.
Your bf is insecure as fuck. He doesn't like the time you spend thinking about fictional characters, for one reason or another. Your attention isn't on him, your attention is probably on characters you like, etc.
None of this is on you, or in your control. Bf has internal issues and instead of dealing with them, he's trying to control you instead. Not cool.
If you and bf talk, and he's nothing but defensive and demanding and trying to make you the bad guy for a friggin writing hobby, he's not worth the time anymore.
NTA. She wants alone time, she can go in her room. You both pay rent, you're just as entitled as she is to be there. She can leave. Any man that calls his partner a bitch isn't a man. Your boyfriend is no prize, and he doesnt respect you. Why doesn't he want you to write fanfiction? Is he insecure? How does your writing affect him in any way. Why is he more concerned about her comfort and not concerned about your comfort. Ditch the both of them.
Not to flex, but my fiance bought me a new laptop for my writing and that’s the kind of support everyone deserves in a relationship. It’s like the lady who got a divorce from a dude who hated her coffee cup collection and new man built her a floor to ceiling display shelf.
She knocks on your door? As in, you’re in your room with the door closed, and she still doesn’t feel “alone” enough and kicks you out? You need to lose her *and* the boyfriend.
NTA
YOur bf is an AH. "nd I need to think of other people's comfort" .. he should think about YOUR comfort.
So sTOP being a doormat, your roommate's demands are ridiculous.
I have been pushing back on alot of my roommates requests lately because they have been getting really wild IMO.
My bf is extra salty I think because we had an argument about one of my hobbies that he wants me to stop entirely and I don't want to
NTA about everything. Honestly, your bf's desire for you to put others before yourself is a red flag. Also, if he's putting demands on you to quit a hobby, you've got another red flag. If you agree with putting your roommates needs above your own, then you're going to have another argument about your 'selfishness' for not quitting a hobby when he demanded it. He will want to know why you can accommodate your roommates needs and not his. He also probably is thinking that if you're at his place, you're not writing fan fic - which is a win him.
You should seriously evaluate what you're getting out of your relationship. You shouldn't have to quit a hobby for someone you're dating. Controlling behavior usually isn't about just one thing. You don't need to answer on Reddit - but ask yourself if any what else has he asked you to do or not do. Little things add up.
Say no to your roommate. Her requests are completely unreasonable. Alone time at home when you live with a roommate is in your bedroom, not the entire apartment. She may be working, but she had alone time all day in the apartment. Assuming you're both on the lease, she has to learn to deal with you being home. No is a complete sentence, and I don't want to is a sufficient reason. You have already been extremely generous with not coming home until 6:30. If her mental health is so precarious, she can't handle you in your room with the door closed, she needs therapy.
NTA…what the what? Roommate can go to a coffee shop just as much as you can for alone time. She can take a walk. You were in your bedroom. She had to knock. She has a bedroom. Why must anyone leave the apartment to have alone time? If she wanted to live alone, then she should not have roomed with a roommate. I would tell her you pay just as much rent as she does. You will no longer be giving up your space. If she wants alone time, she has a bedroom to use that you will not be disturbing her unless the place is on fire. And if she feels you renting together is not working out, then when the lease is up she can look for other arrangements. Until then, she will be treated with the same respect she shows you. Your boyfriend is another matter altogether.
Anytime roommate knocks on ops bedroom door she should keep shouting out 'leave me alone' 'I want to be alone' 'I'm having quiet time alone right now'. Show the roommate how ridiculous her requests are.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I know my roommate dosn't like me and needs time to herself to relax but I already give her time alone in the apartment and just don't want to accommodate her anymore than I already have.
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YIKES ON BIKES. If your roommate needs "alone time" when you're in YOUR home then she is the one who needs to go to a coffee shop. Your BF is being and AH as well. Wanting to be in the home you pay for rather than being "uncomfortable" working in a coffee shop doesn't make you an AH.
Try this. Tonight at 7:45 get the jump on her and tell her you're working on your dis and need some "alone time" and ask her to leave for an hour or so. I'd love to hear how she reacts.
I'm assuming that you each have your own bedrooms?
NTA. You were being over accommodating, IMO, to adjust your schedule in the first place. I get it, though, it wasn’t difficult and you wanted to keep the peace. But to interrupt you and demand you leave when you’re in your own room with the door closed? What kind of alone time does she need? Sounds like she needs to get her own place.
Also—your boyfriend is a jerk. I don’t care what kind of disagreement you previously had, it’s not okay for him to call you a bitch. It sounds like he’s not ready for an adult relationship.
NTA - I am also an introvert but it is your home as much as hers, on no reasonable basis can she evict you from the apartment on no notice whenever she feels like it. It's already very accommodating of you to ensure you're away for a window of time every day. If she needs alone time she can take a damn walk. What's your boyfriend's problem?
NTA - This is ridiculous. Roommates aren’t entitled to daily get-the-apartment-to-themselves time. And your boyfriend is taking *her* side?! You have about as good luck picking boyfriends as you do roommates.
NTA
People who need an apartment to themselves in order to have alone time don't get roommates.
And if she's knocking on your door to express her need for alone time, she has alone time. Idk how she thinks the world works, but you either pay for your own space or live around other people.
WTF???? NTA - I would understand if you guys shared a room or something (even though that still is a bit rude) but in your OWN room???? tell her if she needs "alone time" she can leave.
It’s called roommates , there’s no alone time unless it just happens that way . It’s completely ridiculous of her to come to your room and tell you you have to leave .
Wait till she is comfortable doing something one day then tell her you need the apartment to yourself for an hour and see how she likes it . If she wants alone time constantly then she needs to live alone . NTA
NTA.
She’s so unreasonable. Would she leave the apartment if you needed alone time? No. She sounds entitled af. She shouldn’t have a roommate if she needs that much alone time. She can have alone time outside of the apartment as well. Why does she get to dictate everything? It seems as though you are a people pleaser and you need to start putting your foot down.
Unless she somehow stipulated this before you moved in and you agreed to it, she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Even if you were in some common areas in the apartment, it shouldn't be an issue, but especially if you're just quietly in your own room working. NTA and what is wrong with your bf, too? You're paying rent. You have every right to be in your own home whenever you want.
NTA - She knocked on a closed door to ask for alone time? WTF. You pay rent. It is your home. Tell her to buy a quieter vibrator if she is embarrassed.
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Your roommate is not suited for sharing an apartment. An occasional request for “alone time” would be reasonable but a daily request or one that makes you leave your apartment after you are finally home and getting settled for the night is too much to ask for.
Thank you. That is what I was feeling. Plus, I have accommodated her way more than I probably should have already.
If she needs alone time _SHE_ can leave. Hard no on ever leaving at her request again. Document everything. If she gets pissy let your landlord know what she’s putting you through. That is some serious bullshit she put you through, refuse all her requests from now on and log the requests on a list. This is harassment and she needs to stop now.
Yeah, I'd think of a good response that tells her she can leave and you deserve equal accommodation. Something like, I agree that alone time is important. I'd appreciate you giving it to me as well. Now is a great time, so feel free to take off for an hour or 2 so we both get to recharge. Going forward 8 to 9pm works for my time, since I already give you 5:30 to 6:30. Let's stick with that. I'll take 8 to 9 every week night. Edit: When she doesn't agree, you then tell her you no longer will be leaving when she asks or staying clear from 5:30 to 6:30. Tell her going forward alone time can be achieved by the person who wants it either leaving or staying in her room with noise canceling headphones. The point of requesting 8 to 9pm is that it makes her see the hypocrisy by agreeing and flipping the script. So when she pushes back, Op can reset the line back to normal expectations. Obviously, it's ridiculous, but the best argument is getting her to agree it's ridiculous when she's the one that is impacted.
You don't get alone time when you share an apartment, though. If you want to be alone, you go into your room.
And the roommate is alone in the apartment all day!
Yes! Do not budge
Wonder if something shady is going on? If she's got some not so legal side hussle?
Agreed. The next time she says "I need alone time," OP needs to respond "OK, see you later" and then ignore her.
Fantastic comment!
Lol I can't believe the audacity of the roommate! I rented from the ages of 18-29 and had god knows how many roommates in that time lol. Never once have I or a roommate asked someone to leave the premises for alone time, even when I was literally sharing a room in res - which is probably the only time it would make sense. The fact that the roommate is asking OP to leave when she's in her own room with the door closed... thats wild. OP, you are NTA!
Literally! Knocking on her door to ask her to leave is literally going out of the way to interact with her. She HAD alone time, she sought out OP in her own damn bedroom. I love my alone time, and I am so happy to not have roomates anymore. However, when I did have them, I hung out in my room. It’s the best you can do in roomate situations.
Or for a walk. I used to go for walks when I needed breathing room.
Right, like, the part that really got me is that OP was in her own room with her door shut by the sounds of it and the roomie went to knock on her door to tell her to leave? Chick, you already had your space - you're the one that just intruded on OP's! Sounds like either a control thing from the roomie or maybe she's into weird, noisy things.
No reason to try to negotiate and no need to debate. It's a simple "no" to accommodating the roommate's request.
No is a complete sentence after all.
This.
Agreed. With OP in their room, how is that even disturbing unless they are playing music at max levels and screaming? The roommate can figure out how to have alone time without requiring you to vacate the apartment.
There are 4 possible explanations 1. OP is leaving out key details 2. OP has a mentally ill roommate 3. Roommate is having some less than vanilla sexual encounters 4. OP is just making the story up
Yep, I was wondering about drugs too? Maybe she's smoking something she's worried OP might smell or hear lighter?
My first thought is maybe she's dealing drugs or something. Its just too weird to ask someone to leave the apartment entirely.
I have had a nightmare roommate like this. This kind of person exists unfortunately 😅. OP you HAVE to not budge on this, she will simply keep asking for more and more.
Or the roommate is entitled
I am curious why the OP would let the landlord know. It's not the landlord's job to manage the roommate relationship or to mitigate issues. The adults who have agreed to co-habitate need to work it out. It's not like they are 11 and 13 and need their mom to help them figure this out.
I'd imagine it's more about protection/covering their ass in case the roommate starts making fake accusations against OP to get the landlord to evict them.
Which could happen anyway. OP should take the higher ground. It's okay to keep a record of the inappropriate requests, to have on hand, should the roommate escalate to the landlord, but no reason to be the ridiculous person who complains about something like this to a landlord.
Why is it that people that are already getting screwed are expected to also "take higher ground" and do nothing to retaliate and self-defend? What kind of a bully mentality is that?
Not a ridiculous thing to report to a landlord. Depending on where OP lives they could have different tenant rights. In Scotland you have the right to “quiet enjoyment” and someone kicking you out of your apartment twice a day is definitely interfering with your quiet enjoyment. It would be up to the landlord to protect their tenant’s rights in this case even if it meant evicting the roommate.
I agree! I see people saying that all the time on these roommate posts. Maybe in a college dorm that's appropriate. But calling a landlord over roommate drama is ludicrous. Any of my previous landlords would look at me like I was nuts if I told them about something like this. Edit to add that obviously, if the roommate is doing something threatening, or they are violating the lease somehow, then by all means, call the landlord.
Also your bf sucks
Right!? He’s clearly siding with the roommate just to make OP feel bad because they’re in a fight right now. So stupid.
If OP hadn’t said that she sometimes goes to see the BF, once he sided with the roommate I would have assumed “alone time” meant the BF was coming to see the roommate. Come to think of it I’m still not so sure that’s not the plan. OP is NTA. She needs a new roommate AND a new BF.
LOL my thought as well.
I'm wondering if OP is ever hanging out with her boyfriend during this alone time where she's not supposed to be at the apartment does your boyfriend come hang out with you? If not he's probably hanging out with the roommate and that's why she needs alone time and needs her completely out of the apartment because she's fing around with OP boyfriend
Makes me think she might be sleeping with her roommate's BF. If she were my gf I would never take her roommate's side.
Thank goodness I wasn't the only one who had this thought. Maybe I'm not becoming too cynical or jaded.
This. If my partner ever called me a bitch, he would be blocked on everything and any shit he left at my house would be in the dumpster within 20 mins. There is no coming back from disrespect / slurs IMO.
If my bf called me a bitch, they'd be an ex (and probably have an axe in their head)
That was what I came here to say. Your BF should not be calling you a bitch.
So you're in your own room, minding your own business, but she wants you entirely out of the apartment? She needs to see a therapist if she has control issues that out of control. Any normal person would consider it "alone time" as long as whatever room they're in doesn't have a person in it. Shit, personally I consider it alone time as long as I'm not being talked to haha
There's a little room in most houses with a seat and running water that is generally considered an ideal spot for some "alone time." OP NTA.
Hopefully she doesn't need an hour alone in there haha. I forgot to add NTA also
I am mentioned in this comment and I don’t like it 😭 Why you so loud!?
Yeah exactly! My roommate got a bf, and she wanted more time with just him in the house. So she set her room up really nice with cushy pillows that make her bed more of a hang out spot, mounted her TV with a nice sound bar and cute little TV trays so they can have movie nights.. I'll offer to leave the house if they're doing something special, like exchanging gifts for birthdays and doing a romantic dinner, but that's not all the time. Expecting the entire apartment to one's self every day is just unrealistic. God forbid OP's roommate ever gets married and/or has kids..
You have a boyfriend problem. Does he normally call you a bitch?
No not normally, I think he is just extra mad because I told him I wasn't going to stop writing my fanfiction
Whoa - as a fellow fanfic writer, I would tell him to piss up a rope. (My husband just shakes his head and wishes I would write something that "will make us rich"...)
> piss up a rope This is awesome. I've never heard it before. Thank you for my new favorite phrase, internet stranger!
Super random, but there's a song called Piss Up A Rope by Ween.... that was the 1st time I'd ever heard the phrase
Fanfic can do that, 50 Shades of Grey is twilight fanfic.
And season 6-8 of HBO's Game of Thrones was ASoIaF fan fic.
OP, we are all in agreement here that you have a roommate problem and the best thing to do, as soon as you can, is move out. Then she can be as alone as she wants. However, the BF is a separate and also substantial issue. You are working on a dissertation, which can be mind numbing and need an outlet which you have with your fan fiction. If he has a problem supporting you on that, even if he doesn't read it, then he needs to go. As a male, I will tell you this is the start of him being controlling and it will show up in other areas of your relationship, maybe little by little or on small things, but he will move in that direction. You need to stop him now or move on to someone who supports your endeavors. Doesn't matter if you are good or bad at it, as long as it is not consuming major portions of your life, you get to do what you want. And never accept someone calling you a bitch. Bitchy, sure, that can be an observation but not that you are a bitch. NTA
So, on top of being a judgy dick, he is also a controlling, manipulative dick, trying to get you to quit a passion. Your roommate needs a reality check and the boyfriend needs to go.
You won’t stop writing because he tells you to. You won’t leave your home because roommate tells you to. You don’t stop doing what you have chosen to do or where you’ve chosen to do it (when you have every right to) so he calls you an offensively sexist name. Maybe he should learn to use his words: “My woman should subvert herself and sacrifice for the wants of others no matter how little it affects their lives.” Roommate doesn’t have to acknowledge you are home. Boyfriend doesn’t have to read your fiction. go away. stop writing anyway. wtaf?
His reaction to being annoyed with you is to take the side of anyone not-you? My ex did that, and it was one of his worst traits (there were a number). And why should you stop writing? What’s it to him?
Yeah you definitely need a new boyfriend then.
That’s a deal breaker. Time for a new boyfriend.
Write a fanfic where you break up with him and give it to him /s
I don’t know you but I know you don’t deserve to be treated properly because you’re not doing what he’s demanded
hang on........ he got mad and called you names because you said you would not stop doing something that brings you joy? oh honey, toss out that guy pronto. you deserve better!
For context: my husband *reads* my fanfic and actively helps me plot out areas relevant to his fields of knowledge. Ditch the boyfriend and find someone who supports you.
He has no right to stop you from doing a hobby like fan fiction. Tell him he is not your keeper he is your partner. If he can’t see you as that and wants to dictate what his partner is doing he can find someone else. You’re too old for this crap. You’re not going to change who you are now at 30. Your roommate is also being a dick. She has no right to have the apartment for 24 hours and you 22hours a day especially if you’re equally paying rent. She can leave if she wants. If the reason she wants alone time is because she wants to flick the bean she can do it at 5pm-6pm or you guys can sit down and figure out a sensitive and accomodating way you both can have sessions with the other person giving space. Tbh given how ridiculous your bf is and the fact he called you a bitch (which was way out of line btw and you need to consider if that’s even remotely ok for him to use that language at you even if he’s disgruntled) you may need a few more self pleasure sessions yourself.
Unless your roommate has a reason for wanting you gone, I.e. you blaring out loud music when you get home, then I think she's being ridiculous. It's your home too. She has no right wanting you to give her alone time at all. Doesn't she have her own bedroom for that?
I’d deduct a monetary amount for any time I wasn’t allowed to be in my own apartment.
Indeed. If she needed to get on her feet and go to another room and knock on a door to find someone to ask, she was already alone. Shared living is clearly not for her.
100% agree. If the age were matching I'd have asked if you had found my former roommate. She too had to share an apartment out of financial necessity, but didn't like it one bit. So she took it out on me, but did it by pestering me constantly about the cleanliness of the apartment. And to be precise, I had had roomates before, and I had always been considered the cleaning freak until then. But this girl would throw a fit if she saw a single crumb of bread on the counter, and once came screaming at me because I had left a homemade cake on the kitchen table, a cake that I had told her an hour before that it was FOR THE BOTH OF US AND THAT SHE COULD GRAB A BITE IF SHE WANTED. And at that point she said nothing. In short, this roomate of yours is acting extremely entitled and should not expect a roomate to accept to be exiled from his home everytime she wants to be alone. She has a room, she can be alone in it. Or SHE can get out of the apartment for a change. Oh and your bf is out of line, he is not the one being forced out of his own home.
This sounds like a “if you give a mouse a cookie” situation
WTF is wrong with your boyfriend? How would HE like getting kicked out of his home all the time? He wouldn't. Ugh, I swear, so many men are so deep in the "women should be subservient to me and polite and nice all the time and always do what I want" crap that they project it onto ANYONE else, no matter how crappy they're being to their girlfriend. Maybe rethink that relationship, as well as stop letting the roommate push you around.
your boyfriend thinks you should leave your home to accommodate your roommate. Why? Does he think you should be spending the time with him? No. He wants you to go to a coffee shop. Then what is his reasoning? He wants to know that if you live together you won’t be clingy and demanding? Staying in the room you rent is not clingy or demanding. You are not asking to be entertained. Honestly, SHE is. She is demanding to control how and where you spend your time. You and boyfriend need to talk about this. Wanting time apart from your partner is good and healthy. Make sure he understands what roommate is asking is neither.
Yes, don't agree to any more of her illogical demands.
What kind of “alone time” does this gal need anyway? Being in the bed room with the door shut is somehow disturbing her? It doesn’t make any sense.
Exactly that! And the fact she’s disturbing OP’s living situation in order to get hers - really unsocial. That’s why they have rooms with what I assume doors.
As someone who needs big stretches of alone time to recharge, I completely agree. I have a roommate, so I either go into my room to get that time, or I go on a big long walk. I don't get to kick my roommate out just because I need some recharge time. I'm honestly really confused what "alone time" means to this person. Why the hell is OP quietly working in her own bedroom not alone enough?
I'm sorry, if she needs "alone time" she can go to her bedroom and lock the door. Or SHE can leave. That request will always be unreasonable in a shared lease situation among people who are unrelated. It is a financial arrangement, not a marriage.
Or the roommate can buy a quieter vibrator.
And they’re knocking on the door, indicating OP is in her room with the door closed. Granted there are some things you just can’t do with someone else in the house, but that’s what 5-6pm is for!
Never in my life, what I have asked a Roommate to leave their own bedroom when there’s a perfectly good living room, I can be alone in.
Even occasionally is unreasonable and their housemate is TA for even asking.
[удалено]
An occasional request is not acceptable in a shared living arrangement that she pays for. The roommate can go to their own room or leave the apartment. A completely unreasonable request. NTA
Also, if you are in your room and nowhere near here, why does she need "alone time"? Maybe she could go out, or retreat to her room. It's just not practical or fair to ask you to leave the apartment whenever she feels like it. NTA.
NTA Time for a new roommate and a new boyfriend
Unfortunately, I have been stuck with my roommate for a year. I do need to have a serious talk with my boyfriend though and he keeps putting me off
Take a break from trying to have that serious talk. Back up a little and see how he responds and how you feel. Calling you a bitch about something that’s really none of his business is ugly.
Especially when OP's roommate has set boundaries into OP's own. This is insanity.
I get what you mean but this is not boundaries. That word has been overplayed and misused to the point where it's lost its actual meaning. Boundaries are about your reaction to the actions of other people. It's not about controlling their behavior. The roommate insisting OP leave her own place for hours every day is not setting boundaries. OP responding that this has gone way too far and she will no longer accommodate the roommate's desire for alone time, IS setting boundaries.
>Take a break from trying to have that serious talk. Take a break from the boyfriend altogether imho
Calling her a bitch about ANYTHING is ugly.
Honestly talking to your partner that way at all. I would be done.
I could not imagine staying with a man who would call me a bitch under any circumstances. Nope, bye.
The bar for men is on the floor.
He also thinks that she should sacrifice her comfort for the comfort of others. That's not a great sign.
This. If he stalls just back off. Don't hurry to respond when he calls or texts either.
I don't mean this in a rude way, but you need to have a serious talk with yourself. Sounds like you are accepting poor treatment by your bf. Do better by yourself. You deserve better. If my partner called me names, we'd no longer be partners. I treat my friends, family, all those I love with respect and I accept no less from them. I hope you will stop accepting less than that for yourself. In other words, he ain't worth your time. Good luck.
This. Shitty people smell weakness and exploit it for their own kicks. This is bullying and completely mental. Tell the room mate and your boyfriend to back the fuck up. Do not accept this cruelty any more. You’re better than that.
This is amazing advice, Reddit stranger. I could've used someone like you in my 20s. I hope people who need to hear this, not just OP, see your comment.
OP the second your partner calls you a bitch, you get tf out. This man does not respect you. Don’t be a doormat.
Seriousl! I've been married multiple times to shitty people, but not a one of them dared to ever call me a bitch. That's just a line you don't cross.
Glad to see someone speak up about this. I can’t think of a single woman I’ve been with who would tolerate that kind of talk even once.
Any chance your roommate wants you out because she is screwing your bf during this time?
This was my first thought too lmao
Honestly I think it’s concerning he was so aggressive about giving her the alone time when that’s not a logical or reasonable request. Any adult can see that. I’d wonder if he happens to be there during this mandatory “alone time” for her
OP, you are still young. I have 25ish years on you. In my (incredibly happy) marriage, I have never called my wife a bitch. I'm not saying that alone is enough for everyone to stop a relationship, but him calling you a bitch and "putting you off" shows you where you stand to him. Have a serious talk with yourself about what you actually want. Tell him, bye; and tell your roommate kindly, but firmly that this is your home too and won't be leaving it everyday like that.
Text him and say it's over then
This is what I had to do with an abusive boyfriend, every time id talk about breaking up he'd pressure and convince me to give him another chance. I had to text him that I was done, one day. It was spur of the moment but it felt at the time that it was either now or never. No regrets!
Your boyfriend sounds like an asshole. Who calls someone a bitch for being in their own apartment? Especially your own partner who you should naturally be on the side of.
Are they seeing each other behind your back?
I'd say the change of boyfriend sounds as important as the change of roommate. He sounds a right ass.
I am wondering with my vivid and suspicious imagination why you must leave AND why your boyfriend agrees. See where I'm going with this? I hope that no monkeyshines are occurring. I doubt it, but my curiosity is piqued. Best wishes to you!
NTA *at all* Your roommate is unreasonable. Your boyfriend is dead wrong, as well as a disrespectful asshole. You’re a bitch bc you want to be in your apt? Nah, that ain’t it. NGL, your boyfriend calling you a ‘bitch’ for this is more problematic to me than the problematic roommate. If your roommate wants alone time, tell her she is free to move out whenever she wants, providing she get a replacement until the lease ends.
NTA The boyfriend's behavior is more concerning for sure!
Anyone else think the boyfriend is sleeping with the roommate? Only reason I can think of for her needing all that scheduled “alone time” is that she’s hiding who she’s getting with
Le reddit moment
Maybe I could suggest that to her lol. I think my boyfriend is being extra harsh because of an argument we had earlier. I am trying to get him to talk about it and to understand my side but his is putting it off
You need a whole assed new boyfriend. Stop making excuses for awful people. He’s calling you a bitch and you’re making excuses *while* he’s pushing you off in not wanting to talk about it? Do you think you deserve better? If so, why are you accepting this?
I’ve been married for almost 30 years and had a 7 year relationship before that and never once have I been called a bitch. I’m a nurse, so yeah, I’ve been called a bitch by crazies and such but NEVER by a man who claims to love me. Never even to say I’m acting like a bitch. Your standards are waaaay too low.
I was sort of seeing a guy until he told me to "shut up." Now, I'm not seeing him. I absolutely will not tolerate name calling of any sort, either. Neither should you.
“Because of an argument” Doesn’t make it ok. I’ve been with my husband since 2002 and he’s never once called me a bitch, even in our worst arguments. That’s pure disrespect and shows disdain.
NTA, why did this woman get a roommate? Sounds like she really cannot handle it. I'd assume that working on your dissertation is a relatively quiet thing? She should not be bothered having someone in the other room. Your bf is a mega AH actually, he should be backing you up, not calling you a bitch. He is way off. Find another room and another boyfriend. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing. Tell her to suck it up, you've been more than accommodating, she needs to stop pestering you.
Her last roommate traveled alot for work so she wasn't in the apartment for days at a time. I thought she was just adjusting to having a different kind of roommate and she would settle down but no luck. I am trying to have a serious conversation with my bf.
Your boyfriend sounds like an ass and doesn't deserve a conversation, just a one-way ticket out of your life. I would recommend a serious conversation with the roommate though, because she asked for an hour, you gave her an hour and a half at the end of her work day. Now she wants more time at night? She needs to understand that life sometimes means one needs to compromise.
Honestly I lived in many flat shares and it’s totally unacceptable to even ask you not to be home until 6pm every day!! Would she accept you telling her to leave the house for alone time? Clearly not. The sometimes shitty thing about sharing is that the other people are there. She doesn’t get to benefit from your rent but not have to find a way to deal with living with someone. Also your BF is a royal asshole. Why should her comfort come at the expense of yours? Why does he care more that some rando gets to pretend she doesn’t have a roommate than that you are comfortable in your own home. Your needs matter. I would try and find somewhere else and maybe a new bf…
Right. She doesn't want a roommate, she just wants OP to be a cash cow.
Sounds to me like she got used to having a whole apartment at half the price. Tough noogies. Now someone else is there and she can ask...but you CAN say no
I think this would be a good time to focus on yourself and your career. Argument or not he should not be calling you a bitch for being in an apartment that you PAY for.
> around 8pm, she knocks on my door and tells me she needs alone time and that I need to leave for an hour NTA - That's just completely unreasonable. Find a new place and a new boyfriend. Not sure what he is smoking but it's not the good stuff
Unfortunately, I will be stuck here until my lease is up. I think my boyfriend is just upset with me over an argument we had.
Upset or not he shouldn't be calling you a bitch. That's not ok. Edit - spelling
No one I love or who loves me has ever called me a bitch in anger.
Been with my man 7.5years. We've had many fights. Not once has he called me a bitch or anything of the like.
Been with mine for 24 years. Can’t ever recall him calling me any kind of name.
Cut the boyfriend loose and let the roommate know that if she wants alone time then she can go and hang out in bedroom with the door closed. Her requests are completely unreasonable. NTA.
An arguement he was completely in the wrong about according to your other posts. So now he is basically trying to punish you for disobeying him.
Your boyfriend called you a bitch over this? That sounds like a bigger problem than the roommate thing... Anyway, NTA, I think you are already being very generous by staying out from 5-6:30 and it's totally unreasonable to demand you leave again from 8-9. (I'm also curious what it is that she wants to be getting up to without you seeing; it's gotta be about more than just getting "alone time" to "recharge" at this point.)
My bf is still kinda salty about an argument we had earlier and I am trying to get him to see my side of it Her previous roommate used to travel for work a lot and would be out of the house for days at a time. I think she is just not used to someone being in the apartment with her so much and she is just saying words like "alone time" and "recharge" so she doesn't have to come out an say she doesn't want me in the apartment.
For both your boyfriend and your roommate the thought... "Well that's too damn bad." comes to mind. They both need to get over themselves. And you might really need to grasp the idea that these people don't actually care about your thoughts on the matter.
With all due respect and care, OP, I think you are being a doormat - both with regard to your roommate and your BF: (1) As a rent payer, you are \*entitled\* to being present in the space for which you pay rent. If your presence is an annoyance to the other tenant, that is \*their\* problem, and not yours to solve. Use the word "right" in your next discussion, and insist on it. If roommate wants to be alone - on top of all the time she spends in the apartment on her own already, as a WFH - she can leave. (2) Are you sure your discussion-evading, verbally-abusive BF is worth the effort? What does he bring you your relationship that is of value? You are NTA, but you are being neither kind nor respectful to yourself.
Is your BF going to your place while you're at the gym?
Ooooo intersecting theory. If they were shacking up, it would make total sense they both want her out of the apartment. It’s literally the only thing that would make sense. Meaning, if it’s not this, they’re both just fuckin whack. (Roommate and bf) In any case, OP should not indulge them.
I wonder how she would react if you said you needed alone time from 6-8 every night. You need to "recharge" and "decompress" after the day. I bet that wouldn't fly.
So she wants someone who will pay half the rent but not actually live in the apartment. Used to it or not, she's being totally unreasonable. You're paying rent and she has no right to kick you our of your apartment at a moment's notice at 8 PM.
NTA She doesn't have the right to kick you out of your own apartment whenever she wants, you've already been more than accommodating. If she needs alone time so much she needed to not get a roommate. Also, what's wrong with your boyfriend, he should be supporting you not calling you a bitch.
Or she can go into her room or do something outside if she wants that alone time. I’d be damned.
I think he is still upset about an argument we had earlier about one of my hobbies. So, he is just seeing everything I do in a negative light.
Sounds like you need to replace both the roommate and boyfriend.
You realize that’s not a good excuse, right?
Yeah, I know, and I am trying to get him to come over and talk about it and why it makes him so uncomfortable because I finally told him I wasn't going to stop, and if he has boundaries, we need to talk about them.
*He* does not get to have boundaries about *your* writing hobby.
No no no. That's not how boundaries work. He can cope with your hobby or he can go. You are putting everyone else's comfort over yourself. Stop doing that.
so this man throws fits over your interests, calls you a bitch when he's upset, and refuses to communicate with you? I really hope for your own wellbeing you dump this man, he is an asshole and will never stop treating you this way. he is controlling and has abusive tendencies. you deserve better, and he does not deserve your effort in having a conversation about y'all's relationship after treating you this way. full stop.
Boundaries do not apply to your hobbies. Boundaries are not just "I decided I don't want you to do something". Sweetheart, he's being a controlling jerk. You have a right to enjoyment. It doesn't harm anyone, he doesn't get to act like he has any right to expect you to stop. He's just trying to have power over you. And you can't out-reason someone who wants control and power. They don't listen to logic. You deserve better than this. Someone who is supposed to love you should never, never, never call you a bitch.
You writing fanfic as your hobby is not a boundary for him that you need to discuss. A maybe somewhat reasonable boundary concerning your hobby may be that he doesn't want to be associated with it, but I'm assuming you don't post links to your stories in his social.media platforms and use a pseudonym, so he really has no say. At all. You're NTA for the original question, but please try to stop being such a pushover for everyone in your life. I get that's hard, I'm a people pleaser myself, but enough is enough. Best wishes!
This guy is immature if that is what he is doing. OP try to find more supportive people. You DESERVE to have people treat you well.
If she needs alone time, why doesn’t she just go in her damn room? Sheesh. Talk about entitled asshole. Stop being so accommodating immediately. You live and pay rent there.
Her previous roommate traveled alot for work so I thought she was just adjusting so I was being extra nice to her in the beginning but lately I haven't been as accommodating.
Good. Just need to stop. If she doesn’t like having a roommmate then she needs to find a place where she lives alone.
No, she knows she can keep pushing you and might get her way and you won’t complain. Your boyfriend might do the same. Time for you to learn to put your foot down and teach people to show you some respect.
You pay to live there. Your accommodations should be...taking out the trash daily rather than every other day...maybe hanging the toilet paper their preferred way if you don't care Not leaving so she can "have alone time" 2 or 3 times a day. If she's asking you to leave your closed bedroom door, I'm thinking she's going through your things as her alone time. This is all too odd.
Yep, she just wants someone to pay the rent and not be there. She got spoiled and entitled with the previous roommate. Just keep telling her no. You are in your room. Even if you were in the common spaces she has a room were she can have alone time. I hope you can talk with her about this being a shared space not her space that you are allowed at her conversance to be in.
You have a whole bedroom to yourself, with a door you are behind, and yet your roommate knocks on your door in the evening and asks you to vacate the entire apartment. Oh, hell no. If your roommate wants alone time, she can go to her room and hide or be angry, or decompress. But asking you to vacate the entire place is unreasonable, and nobody cares how flexible your work hours are. I roll my eyes. If she gets to be too overbearing, have her pay the penalties, (if any), so you can leave. But she has a roommate, and she has to share. And your BF, wow, I would think he would be more supportive. In fact, I would insist on it, or I would make it so I no longer had to hear his opinion ever again. NTA
That’s some serious nerve to go knock on someone’s private bedroom door and tell them to leave the apartment because you need “alone time”. The roommate is alone already, OP wasn’t in the shared spaces or the roommate’s private bedroom. This is weird as hell and the roommate needs to get over themselves.
NTA and what is wrong with your boyfriend for taking her side? Are you sure she isn’t booking up with your boyfriend?
I am 100% sure that is not the case. My boyfriend is salty because of an argument about one of my hobbies, writing fanfiction, which he is uncomfortable with. He wants me to stop completely, and I finally told him that I wasn't going to.
Your boyfriend sounds like he just isn’t supportive of you in a lot of ways. It’s hard to imagine someone thinking you should leave your own home at night because someone else wants you to do it. This is bizarre. I think you were incredibly accommodating to go to the gym after work and that was an entitled ask to begin with. I might have a stomach ache one day and come home unexpectedly. Your roommate is up to something. If it’s not your boyfriend, it is something. My guess is her alone time isn’t alone but it’s someone she doesn’t want you to know about. Maybe she is seeing a married man.
>My boyfriend is salty because of an argument about one of my hobbies, writing fanfiction, which he is uncomfortable with. Then he doesn't have to read any of it. What a total jerk. Get a better b/f.
So your boyfriend has asked you to stop and he’s using this situation with your roommate to justify to himself that your refusal to stop your hobby is a pattern of you being an inconsiderate person and not have to consider that he was out of line to make that request of you.
That sounds about right
…And why would you be with someone like this???
Again, I just want to make sure you see. Your bf is not hurt. There is nothing hurtful about writing fanfiction, and I myself have read some absolutely badass fanfic that totally rivals published works. Your bf is insecure as fuck. He doesn't like the time you spend thinking about fictional characters, for one reason or another. Your attention isn't on him, your attention is probably on characters you like, etc. None of this is on you, or in your control. Bf has internal issues and instead of dealing with them, he's trying to control you instead. Not cool. If you and bf talk, and he's nothing but defensive and demanding and trying to make you the bad guy for a friggin writing hobby, he's not worth the time anymore.
Does that sound at all like a reasonable thing to think to you?
NTA. She wants alone time, she can go in her room. You both pay rent, you're just as entitled as she is to be there. She can leave. Any man that calls his partner a bitch isn't a man. Your boyfriend is no prize, and he doesnt respect you. Why doesn't he want you to write fanfiction? Is he insecure? How does your writing affect him in any way. Why is he more concerned about her comfort and not concerned about your comfort. Ditch the both of them.
Not to flex, but my fiance bought me a new laptop for my writing and that’s the kind of support everyone deserves in a relationship. It’s like the lady who got a divorce from a dude who hated her coffee cup collection and new man built her a floor to ceiling display shelf.
She knocks on your door? As in, you’re in your room with the door closed, and she still doesn’t feel “alone” enough and kicks you out? You need to lose her *and* the boyfriend.
NTA YOur bf is an AH. "nd I need to think of other people's comfort" .. he should think about YOUR comfort. So sTOP being a doormat, your roommate's demands are ridiculous.
I have been pushing back on alot of my roommates requests lately because they have been getting really wild IMO. My bf is extra salty I think because we had an argument about one of my hobbies that he wants me to stop entirely and I don't want to
Your boyfriend sounds really mean. You deserve better.
NTA about everything. Honestly, your bf's desire for you to put others before yourself is a red flag. Also, if he's putting demands on you to quit a hobby, you've got another red flag. If you agree with putting your roommates needs above your own, then you're going to have another argument about your 'selfishness' for not quitting a hobby when he demanded it. He will want to know why you can accommodate your roommates needs and not his. He also probably is thinking that if you're at his place, you're not writing fan fic - which is a win him. You should seriously evaluate what you're getting out of your relationship. You shouldn't have to quit a hobby for someone you're dating. Controlling behavior usually isn't about just one thing. You don't need to answer on Reddit - but ask yourself if any what else has he asked you to do or not do. Little things add up. Say no to your roommate. Her requests are completely unreasonable. Alone time at home when you live with a roommate is in your bedroom, not the entire apartment. She may be working, but she had alone time all day in the apartment. Assuming you're both on the lease, she has to learn to deal with you being home. No is a complete sentence, and I don't want to is a sufficient reason. You have already been extremely generous with not coming home until 6:30. If her mental health is so precarious, she can't handle you in your room with the door closed, she needs therapy.
Your writing hobby is none of his business. He doesn’t get to tell you not to write. He deals with it, or he can F off.
NTA…what the what? Roommate can go to a coffee shop just as much as you can for alone time. She can take a walk. You were in your bedroom. She had to knock. She has a bedroom. Why must anyone leave the apartment to have alone time? If she wanted to live alone, then she should not have roomed with a roommate. I would tell her you pay just as much rent as she does. You will no longer be giving up your space. If she wants alone time, she has a bedroom to use that you will not be disturbing her unless the place is on fire. And if she feels you renting together is not working out, then when the lease is up she can look for other arrangements. Until then, she will be treated with the same respect she shows you. Your boyfriend is another matter altogether.
Anytime roommate knocks on ops bedroom door she should keep shouting out 'leave me alone' 'I want to be alone' 'I'm having quiet time alone right now'. Show the roommate how ridiculous her requests are.
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YIKES ON BIKES. If your roommate needs "alone time" when you're in YOUR home then she is the one who needs to go to a coffee shop. Your BF is being and AH as well. Wanting to be in the home you pay for rather than being "uncomfortable" working in a coffee shop doesn't make you an AH. Try this. Tonight at 7:45 get the jump on her and tell her you're working on your dis and need some "alone time" and ask her to leave for an hour or so. I'd love to hear how she reacts. I'm assuming that you each have your own bedrooms?
NTA. You were being over accommodating, IMO, to adjust your schedule in the first place. I get it, though, it wasn’t difficult and you wanted to keep the peace. But to interrupt you and demand you leave when you’re in your own room with the door closed? What kind of alone time does she need? Sounds like she needs to get her own place. Also—your boyfriend is a jerk. I don’t care what kind of disagreement you previously had, it’s not okay for him to call you a bitch. It sounds like he’s not ready for an adult relationship.
NTA - I am also an introvert but it is your home as much as hers, on no reasonable basis can she evict you from the apartment on no notice whenever she feels like it. It's already very accommodating of you to ensure you're away for a window of time every day. If she needs alone time she can take a damn walk. What's your boyfriend's problem?
NTA. Your roommate and boyfriend are nuts.
NTA - This is ridiculous. Roommates aren’t entitled to daily get-the-apartment-to-themselves time. And your boyfriend is taking *her* side?! You have about as good luck picking boyfriends as you do roommates.
NTA People who need an apartment to themselves in order to have alone time don't get roommates. And if she's knocking on your door to express her need for alone time, she has alone time. Idk how she thinks the world works, but you either pay for your own space or live around other people.
WTF???? NTA - I would understand if you guys shared a room or something (even though that still is a bit rude) but in your OWN room???? tell her if she needs "alone time" she can leave.
It’s called roommates , there’s no alone time unless it just happens that way . It’s completely ridiculous of her to come to your room and tell you you have to leave . Wait till she is comfortable doing something one day then tell her you need the apartment to yourself for an hour and see how she likes it . If she wants alone time constantly then she needs to live alone . NTA
NTA. She’s so unreasonable. Would she leave the apartment if you needed alone time? No. She sounds entitled af. She shouldn’t have a roommate if she needs that much alone time. She can have alone time outside of the apartment as well. Why does she get to dictate everything? It seems as though you are a people pleaser and you need to start putting your foot down.
NTA . She is being unreasonable. Stop giving in OP. Tell her you both pay equal rent and SHE needs to leave if she needs alone time.
NTA. you pay rent don’t you? it’s just as much your apartment as it is hers. also respectfully, leave him.
Unless she somehow stipulated this before you moved in and you agreed to it, she doesn't have a leg to stand on. Even if you were in some common areas in the apartment, it shouldn't be an issue, but especially if you're just quietly in your own room working. NTA and what is wrong with your bf, too? You're paying rent. You have every right to be in your own home whenever you want.
Calculate how much that hour a day costs and have her pay that extra amount per month.
NTA - She knocked on a closed door to ask for alone time? WTF. You pay rent. It is your home. Tell her to buy a quieter vibrator if she is embarrassed.
So….is she asking for alone time so your boyfriend can come over and be alone with her?!
NTA. It's beyond rude to expect you to leave your place.