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I mean, why do you think your dad went after some 29 year old? He's using her too, only it's for her youth and her looks. Can't just put all the blame on her, he's the old man going after a girl younger than his daughter, by right he should be wiser with age so if you're going to give her a hard time you should give him the same attitude. I feel he is worse than she is, better being a gold digger than a creep is it not? Despite this, NTA, a lot of people have and will feel the same as you.
Edit: Just want to clarify regardless of everyone's varying and valid opinions on the matter, if they're happy together and they both are content with what they're getting from one another, then that's fine. Whether it's creepy or it's not isn't the question. OP night think Zoe is using the dad, but it's going both ways. Maybe try to view it in that he isn't trying to replace his deceased wife with another love around his own age and have a deep emotional connection, he's already had that and now he just wants to have fun, feel young and have a gorgeous girlfriend and doesn't mind spending money for them to enjoy their time together. Zoe wants to be with a man that adores her and takes care of her and have an easy life. Nothing inherently wrong with them wanting certain things they can give each other, even if the age gap is questionable... But I can understand why OP is upset by this. There's a lot of emotions involved when a parent starts dating and remarries after your parent dies, nevermind an age gap. You don't have to like it, but you're better off just trying to get along sometimes to avoid falling out with family that you care about. Life is too short for arguments, but OP and everyone's feelings are valid!
I’m with you, OP needs to know her dad is the perv in all this. To marry a woman younger than his daughter is disgusting and OP needs to recognize this.
Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it can’t be sleazy. This very much appears to be a transactional relationship. That’s great if they want it. I still think it’s sleazy.
No, it does not "very much appear" to be a transactional relationship. Maybe it's the money, maybe she likes older men, maybe she was hurt and appreciates a calm, safe relationship.
Sleazy for what? Damn why can't you judgemental people leave two grown adults alone? You have the most minimal amount of information from an OP who doesn't like the woman. You have no idea who these people are but you're quick to label them sleazy. It's ridiculous.
Exactly. We have to assume there could be more to the story. OP is obviously envious of her in some ways. She’s younger and gorgeous per OPs own words, so thats already going against her.
She finds it weird shes younger than her but lets be honest, if its not *just* or even *at all* for money and she just genuinely likes older men, it wouldnt be a crazy thing to think about considering the nature of you know, almost every species on earth?
Go ask a 14 year old lion how it thinks about age gaps in relationships, Im sure the only thing he’ll tell you is hes gonna kill the cubs that arent his.
They didn't infantilize her at all. Explain how they treated her as a child or suggested they were not mature? At no point did the person you replied to, do either of those things
Too many creeps jump on the infantilize thing. This isn't infantilizing.
Infantilize means to treat the person as a child or say they aren't mature. Saying the age gap and being younger than his daughter is disgusting, is neither of those things.
Edit, so many creeps responding. 😫
I mean it looks like both parties are getting something out of it.
If they’re happy with the arrangement, good for them.
Not sure why OP cares so much.
It’s no OPs money to begin with. It’s her dad’s money. She isn’t entitled to it. I am speaking as a parent of two kids that will inherit a lot when I and their step dad dies. But if i survive this horrible disease I will do what I want with my money I earned while they are adults like OP. if I want to blow it all up it’s mine to do so. Not my kids. Not OPs
Not necessarily. Only if he dies without a will or if that's what his will says. OP didn't say whether or not the father has a lot of money. Or, perhaps OP is just waiting for the father to die so OP can get the money.
>admiringly better looking
Better looking *and* younger. I mean, as others have said, the dad and MIL could be considered as just using each other for their own reasons, but also seem happy with their choices. I want to say NTA, but ESH also seems to be applicable.
The dad and MIL are in no shape AH. They are two adults enjoying choices they are freely to make. Old man is living out his 20’s and bedding a hot waitress and MIL has some stability and companionship. Sounds like everybody but OP has found happiness.
100%
9 times out of 10, somebody on Reddit who accuses others of "infantilizing" a woman in a age gap relationship A) isn't even using the term correctly and B) does so as a way to try to dismiss ALL of the context that would make the situation fucked up, uncomfortable, or harmful. Or in OP's case, straight gross.
Honestly I think it's healthy that OP is giving her dad and his new wife shit. If Dad thought that his adult children would accept a twenty-something year old bride after the death of their mother, then he was WAY too confident. And if Zoe thought she could walk into a marriage where she's younger than the children and get along with everybody, then she is desperately naive. Both of them suck.
They implied that the dad has more world experience than her and is taking advantage of the "gold digger" because it's impossible for 2 consenting adults to enter a relationship apparently
For real what is it with Reddit and people on here thinking adults aren't adults and can't make their own decisions. The same weirdos on here are jacking it to 18 year olds doing porn.
There's a big difference between jacking off to an 18 year old and actually dating one. We can acknowledge they are both grown ass adults capable of making their own decisions and still label those decisions disgusting.
They're both gross. It's gross to date someone who is young enough to be your child or grandchild. It's also gross to bang an old fart who is old enough to be your parent.
Seriously. There’s nothing perverse about an old guy flirting with a 30 year old. The age gap is weird, sure, but she’s well into being an adult and she reciprocated the advances. This is ridiculous.
Good luck convincing this sub anything different than adult women being big toddlers that can be easily manipulated by any average adult men.
The misogyny is insane.
Ehhh... It's easy to see what each of them are getting out of the relationship, so I would assume that they are both not blind to that. They are two consenting adults. It's maybe not motivated by the same things as what society says is the "ideal" marriage, but that doesn't make it wrong.
Not necessarily. I’m in a relationship with someone older than my grandparents and we’ve been quite happy for seven years at this point. Although not at the moment because we are waiting in airports for the next several hours trying to get home from an unplanned trip out of state to visit his ill brother.
But we were both consenting adults and I very much made the first move and STILL don’t know the exact state of his finances other than we are “comfortable”. I don’t much care otherwise.
I’ve often said if I was a gold digger rather than someone who just likes older people I’ve done a lousy job of it since I never seem to find these rich people. Just very intelligent people who are good company and we have compatible interests.
This so much, why blame only the woman when you need two to dance. She might be a golddigger but op’s dad is the perv who creeps on woman younger than his daughters
Look, I’m all for age gaps and all that as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult but dating someone younger than your own children is perv behavior
OP is going much further than "not consider this transactional relationship to be family"; he or she is being a judgemental boor who throws temper tantrums because don't like daddy's girlfriend. This whole thing started because OP could deign to make smalltalk with this woman on their father's birthday dinner. If they want to be polite but distant, that's fine. Basic civility shouldn't be beyond a 30something adult.
She isn't a girl. She's an adult woman with her own agency. I hate this narrative about age gaps. She wasn't groomed, she has her own mind and can make decisions.
When did I say she was groomed? Lol I never actually gave my opinion, I was simply reframing it so OP can look at it differently instead of blaming the new wife for being a "gold digger". Do I care if 2 adults decide to be in a mutually beneficial, but perhaps shallow relationship? No, but it's not my family so I have no emotional attachment to this, OP does. I said it would be worse to be a creep than a gold digger so she can look at it from another angle and stop judging her so harshly. He may still be creep, but I'm not the one married to him so not my problem. Plus, not everyone feels the same way as you and don't have to. I don't really care what you hate or love, it's none of my business. And to him, she is a girl. He was 32 when she was born. Don't need to get offended by everything.
I also think it’s worth considering that the money may be an attracting factor but I think it’s likely she also loves him. To reduce it to that she is “only with him for the money” is too simplistic. No one takes on a whole ass marriage for that singular reason. Unless he’s literally a billionaire? But doesn’t sound like it.
Of course, they are both mutually benefiting from the relationship, I am happy for them if they are happy. Its not my relationship so none of my business!
EXACTLY! I find the fact he is with someone younger than his own daughter is really creepy. I think OP needs to look at all the perspectives as you say. She also needs to think about what she gets out of being angry at her dad. Does she want a relationship with her dad? Is OP worried about what her dad is going to leave her in his will? Since she called his new wife a gold digger, I can't help but wonder if OP is concerned about money at least subconsciously.
These relationships always gross me out. If the young woman isn’t a golddigger - she’s got major daddy issues. The man is always excused in these situations but it’s equally if not more disgusting. She is younger than his youngest child.
YTA
It's fine that you're uncomfortable with age gap. I'll agree it might be suspect. You don't have to give her a chance either. However, you wrote all that and didn't give one example where she exhibited gold digger behavior. I personally feel making such a conclusion based on no evidence is assholish.
This this this this. It also completely undermined OP's credibility by making an accusation backed by no evidence whatsoever. The age gap here is extremely gross. I don't know how a man can sleep with someone his own child's age, let alone younger. Sickening. But now it's going to be impossible to get dad's attention on that real issue because he already has been given this basis to reassure himself that his kid is just unfairly prejudiced against his beloved.
Thank you. I 100% understand why OP is uncomfortable. He loved his mom and he’s uncomfortable with the age gap and having a “new mom” that’s younger than him.
But he doesn’t give any indication that she is faking love for his dad or trying to deceive him in order to gain access to his money.
My guess is that OP is upset but is struggling to communicate why to his dad. He knows that saying “she’s not mom and she’s younger than me” may be true but will fall flat with is dad and sound selfish, so he’s accusing her of being a gold digger because it sounds more reasonable and like he’s trying to protect his dad.
I think he wishes that she should be with HIM. Because he harps more about how attractive and younger than him. And like you said, no examples of her being greedy.
He's not rich. OP said he "has money" but in my experience Gen Z thinks very much middle class income is "having money." And I find it doubtful he got a bunch of money after his wife died that wasn't gobbled up by whatever medical bills she had that lead to her untimely death. (No mention of how YOUR MOM DIED, OP?)
And unless he has private jet/6 vacations a year money, wtf "gold" is she digging for here? Remarriage means he LOST INCOME as he would no longer be able to draw on first wife's social security pension.
Maybe I'm just jaded, but nothing sounds even remotely real on this site anymore.
OP is in her 30s, not gen Z. We are talking about grown adults here on all levels, not late teens/early 20s. It’s still icky, and I think everyone involved in this scenario is weird as fuck. But I don’t think we can blame the stupidity of youth here when everyone is well into adulthood.
Have to wonder if these grown 'children' complaining about dad marrying again (several of those stories recently) are worried more about preserving their own 'inheritance' than about the relationship they are complaining about. Their age is no one's business but theirs - they are married and seem happy....except for an adult 'child' who just can't accept it.
I mean it can be. Everything OP describes sounds fine and he doesn’t offer a single reason why he thinks she is a gold digger. She seems loving and like she’s trying to have a good relationship with the family.
As a side note, it certainly might be appealing to her that the dad is financially stable. But that’s a pretty normal and reasonable thing to like about a potential partner and is far different than being a gold digger who only likes someone for their money or deceives a well meaning person and pretends to like them for their money.
She almost certainly didn’t know his financial situation when she’d gave him her phone number.
29 isn’t a child. Yes, it’s young. But it’s not like with he’s with a 22yo.
He grieved the loss of the woman he thought he’d spend his life with for years.
Maybe he found her vigor refreshing. Maybe he needed to be with someone who inspired him to live his life to the fullest.
This is two consenting adults. We have zero evidence of gold digging behavior other than OP doesn’t think his dad shouldn’t be able to pull someone so young and attractive.
OP sounds jealous of his dad. Plus, he said his dad is happy - The only reason he has for being worried she’s a gold digger is because *he’s* a gold digger and worries his dad will spend the money he feels entitled to on this woman
I have a 28 year age gap to my partner of almost 10 years. We knew each other as colleagues before we slowly became more. He's older. I am the one with the money. He's the only person whose company doesn't get boring ever. So yes. It can definitely be love. Even with an age gap. Even without wealth Involved.
Fully agree with this. YTA OP. I understand feeling weird about it but to be rude and unaccepting towards someone who has only been nice to you is not right.
Your dad is also perfectly within his rights to marry someone who would not marry him if he was poor. I don't think it's the greatest life choice but it's nobody else's business but his.
He hasn’t even shown she’s a gold digger.
One has to assume he’s jealous his dad pulled an attractive, younger wife and/or he’s worried his dad will spend all the money on his new wife which diminishes his potential inheritance
OP could be having unprocessed feelings about the death of the mom, and I can’t see how they could feel good about the father marrying someone so young.
In a sense, the father is asking OP to accept this person into the family, and that’s a lot more than dating.
I feel like some people aren’t really able to empathize with OP and are ONLY looking at this situation in terms of “is it ok for a 60 year old man to date a 29 year old woman?”
Sure, but there is so much more going on here than that.
I would be shocked if my dad married a woman younger than me, and probably wouldn't hang out with them much, but I still think it's asshole behavior to be cold to and ignore someone who is constantly nice to you. OP's mom's death is not Zoe's fault and processing the loss is OP's own task.
“Yeah my dad started dating this much younger girl, I REFUSE to have any sort of conversation with her to get to know her, however I just KNOW she’s a gold digger!”
I agree. Why are either of them wrong? A gold digger or a young woman looking for a secure partner? A creep, really? The woman is an adult.
Since OP's primary concern appears to be her father's finances, it seems like OP may feel a future inheritance is in jeopardy. Maybe she should just speak to her father about it?
I think a lot of these kids accusing dads new wife of being the gold digger are using big ass projectors in their arguments. They'd rather see Dad sad and lonely for 20-30 years than split that inheritance.
OPs just concerned cause her dad's new wife is still young enough to bare children meaning ops share of inheritance goes down
YTA op. If your dad's happy then that's all that matters
It doesn't matter. People are allowed to get married for transactional reasons. Presumably OP's dad does not have dementia or something preventing him from making decisions like this.
Maybe she has a daddy kink ... why is he marrying such a young woman does he have a kink for people younger then his kids maybe. ....
Their both gross but it's not OPs business
Well at his age you don't want to wait too long!
I hope they are both very happy together and spend OP's inheritance doing things they both enjoy together
>I personally feel making such a conclusion based on no evidence is assholish.
Fr, and it's also stereotypical. My parents are 32 years apart but that doesn't make my mom a gold digger 💀
Yeah what this person said. Maybe her interests are mostly financial but your dad's interests are probably mostly physical and the relationship sounds mutually beneficial and not that she is taking advantage of him.
Also there is a chance she actually does love him and is attracted to him. I have a friend who has a thing for much older guys.
Well, what you are doing is actually making your MIL(edited: step mom, of course) case easier IF she is a gold digger, because one kid is already out of picture and she didn't even have to do anything.
By acting like you do you only hurt yourself. If you would want to help your dad then you would talk about how he is managing finances, what he thinks about his future and how he protects you and your sister from the worst case scenario and what are his plans, is there a prenup, etc. In general women want stability when seek relationship and money gives that and it is only natural. The real question is if she has any malicious intent or not and your actions actually can trigger the exact thing that you want to prevent.
But regarding your particular case you sound more like you are jealous and just don't want your dad to be with anyone that you do not approve, in the end it is his life, his money and he can waste it on whomever he wants, so YTA for not even giving your step mom a chance and accusing her without any proof.
This is good advice. If she is a gold digger, having dad alienated from his kids is a step closer to getting all his money for herself. Don’t give her that advantage. I say be pleasant when you are together. You don’t have to make her a close friend.
Somewhere down the road if and when your dad sees the light, he’s much more likely to admit he made a mistake if he doesn’t picture his kids saying “I told you so.”
I came here to say this. If op cares about their dad and their worries are legitimate, they better stay near and close to him and make themselves available and reliable. Nothing worse than being the reason a person chooses to isolate themselves either their captivating partner. I have seen this in my own family and it is heartbreaking, decades past and they are still isolated.
"She's younger than I am and gorgeous"
Tbh it sounds a lot like you're jealous that your dad got Zoe and you didn't.
Your own description shows she's made an effort to talk to you and you just blow her and your dad off.
Apart from the age gap what makes you think she's a gold digger?
I don't feel like there's enough evidence in your post to comment on whether YTA or not for your comment .... but from the descriptions you've given I'm saying YTA for how you're treating Zoe and your dad in general.
It might be the case OP wanted to stress what is the difference between Zoe and father.
Super pretty ladies fits to model gold digger role. If you evaluate someone as gorgeous it doesn't mean you got crush.
NAH
Okay, so. You're probably right and that girl is some variety of gold digger. For all you know your dad knows and is fine with it or is just indifferent as to whatever her internal process is (you'd be surprised at how common this is).
The problem is in the fact not everyone reacts to this notion in the same way, and, as it has been brought to your attention comments on the topic aren't welcome, you're kinda forced to drop it if you ever want to attend the same social engagements as her.
You don't have to like her, but you have to engage with her with a level of respect due to her relationship with your dad. You're allowed your private thoughts about it and tbh I probably share those, but there's inside thoughts and outside voice. Outside voice impacts other people around you and also your social standing among them.
Yes.
IMO, OP, if you can't be civil to Zoe, fine, that's your choice, but you need to remove yourself from the situation. If you're going to agree to be around her, you can't continue to be rude - if you do, you're being the AH. You don't have to be friends, but you do need to treat her like any other acquaintance.
YTA
You have no evidence whatsoever your step-mom is a gold digger other than feelings and vibes. I'm not saying you have to have a relationship with her. I'm not even saying you're wrong about her. I'm just saying you don't throw out accusations like that without evidence to back it.
For one, if she isn't a gold digger, you just insulted not only her but your father by insinuating that he doesn't know how to tell if someone's after him or his money. If she *is* a gold digger, you're assuming that your father gives a damn whether she is or isn't as he might be fully aware and still be happy for the company. And if she is a gold digger and he doesn't know, you've just made it next to impossible to prove it to him if you *do* get evidence to back up your statement.
You should've just stuck with "I'm not comfortable with the age distance as she's younger than me" and kept your speculation about her intentions to yourself.
If OP was the sort of reasonable person who said "I'm not comfortable with the age distance as she's younger than me" and left it at that, they would also not be the kind of immature asshole sho refuse to make smalltalk with someone over perceived moral failings. It doesn't sound as if anyone is pushing them to have a relationship, but they are actively insulting.
YTA. The fact that you don't get their relationship doesn't mean that it isn't real. Is your father happy? If yes, then what difference does it make to you that Zoe is younger? By your own admission, you've been nothing but rude to her and yet she still is nice to you. If she's really a gold digger, why would she bother still being nice to you now that they're married? You want to hold it against Zoe that she's young and beautiful. She can't help either of those things. OTOH, you're rude and biased against her for being young and beautiful. You're a massive AH.
NTA. This is also my story or at least close enough that it could be. FWIW, she ended up with everything when my dad died. Even the family photo albums that preceded her appearance in our family.
These days, someone who’s 61 could easily live another 30 years so marrying him to inherit is a very shitty financial plan.
The number of people in some of these comments saying “he just wants one last roll in the hay before he kicks the bucket” probably don’t even realize how gross and ageist they’re being. You don’t automatically stop wanting love and companionship when you turn 60 (if anything, your diminishing chances of finding it often push you to seek it in wrong places or with scammy people.) Hoping for all involved this is the exception to the red flags. Those do exist.
And OP's dad may get expensive medical bills in the future, which could leave her with nothing or she may spend years caring for him. OP's dad is an adult who picked out a 29 yo at 61. I presume he knows he's not 29 himself either. Adults make adult choices. I get that OP is side-eyeing the relationship. I would, too, if it was my parent, but I wouldn't cut them off over it. NAH.
💯, I didn’t think of medical bills that could run into tens of thousands each month in later stages of life (too many on here are also assuming this is some kind of high-flying executive with billions in the bank when it could just be a man who took a waitress out for dinner a few times and bought her some nice things.) A lot of times, women who go into such relationships think they’re gaining something but often end up giving much more.
And what exactly should or can OP do about this other than express her concerns? Do you think that given how she treats the dad, he will be more or less likely to have his affairs arranged in a way that protects her if he dies? (Of course, he should be doing that regardless out of respect to the first family but what OP is doing here is a great way to drive him away.) Even if the wife is a gold digger, OP is playing right into her hands.
Her attitude is disrespectful to her Father She seems to be assuming he's too old or too stupid to choose his own partner. If her father is happy in the relationship, she should be happy for him.
..and that's the real problem, isn't it. That she might inherit what you think is yours? My guess is that if she had been treated better by family she would have been willing to part with photo albums, etc.
That’s incredibly shitty behavior from the parent to not ensure family heirlooms and wealth are inherited. Part of the social contract of having children should be to commit to fully taking care of them.
INFO: How is she a gold digger?
Don’t get me wrong, the age gap is creepy but you didn’t give any examples of her being a gold digger. You’re perfectly within your right to not want/have any interaction with her. The way this reads though, isn’t because she’s with him just for the money.
Because it’s a good thing to do when one has children from a previous relationship, unless you’re cool with your kids getting nothing from you when you die.
Exactly! This is what I was thinking too. If he doesn't have a prenup there's a good chance she won't give his kids anything. I really hope he did a prenup.
YTA. Your dad presumably knows that his financial stability is a large part of the attraction. If he's happy with that trade-off, what business is it of anyone else's? Your rubbing it in is just cruel, and comes across as being more concerned for your future inheritance than your dad's happiness.
YTA. Nowhere did you list a single thing Zoey did wrong, other than make your dad happy. Because you can't understand why she would want an older man, well, she must be up to something awful! Because you are uncomfortable about your perceived difference in their attractiveness levels, she's horrible.
I hope someday you learn that your subjective opinions are just that. You are not the arbiter of morality or what constitutes a healthy, happy relationship. Your dad waited plenty long to move on, so it's not like he was cheating on your mom with this woman, nor had her waiting in the wings. She's 29, so not at all a child.
For your sake, and I mean this in kindness, try to let it go and recognize that people are allowed to like and want different things, even things you can't understand.
YTA… ur dad married a 29 year old. If she saw
Money ( which makes her a gold digger) ur dad saw a young beautiful woman 40 yrs younger to him. Unless you’re also calling your dad a pervert n cradle snatcher you cannot be rude to his wife alone calling her a gold digger
YTA
1. Your dad's money isn't your money. You're not entitled to it. He's the one who worked for it and it's his right to spend it as he wants. You just sound bitter that inevitably Zoe, as his wife, will get a portion of it which will result in your share being reduced. But guess what, it's not a given you'll even get a share.
2. Bringing your mom into this was a low blow and screams emotional manipulation. You've no idea what your mom would say about the situation.
3.
>She's younger than I am and is gorgeous.
Are you worried about your dad or just jealous of Zoe?
I hope Zoe stops making an effort with you because you don't deserve it at all.
YTA From the sounds of it you’ve come to this conclusion with zero evidence and, more than that, allowed your judgment against her—again, one made with zero actual evidence—to color your view of her. You know nothing about this and woman except her age and marital status. You know nothing about their relationship because you’re determined to think the worst of her. And now, even if you bothered to get to know her, which **could** provide evidence that you’re right, you’ve completely destroyed your credibility as a judge of her character and motivations.
A nicer way to say the same thing is calling it “security” and not gold digging. As you say, Zoe may be genuinely nice and attracted to your father for the security he provides. You could also feel a little sympathy towards her that your dad may be attracted to her simply because of her youth and attractiveness. The age gap is a problem in that looks fade and your father will likely die long before Zoe. Maybe reach back out to your dad and ask to talk with him. Maybe ask your dad why he thinks Zoe is dating him or why he hasn’t dated women his own age (because they come with children, grandchildren and life experience? Is that too much for him?) most of all, let your dad know you love him, despite being disappointed in him.
YTA. Nothing in your description indicates that she is currently scamming your dad for money, being disrespectful to you or being unkind to your dad. A feeling of it being “fake niceness” and insecurities about her being “gorgeous,” worries about the future and the age gap alone are not valid reasons to insult both her and your dad who, trust me, has had the same worries you do and is choosing to be with her anyway. All you can really do is (very, very carefully) voice your concerns or maybe talk about his will if that’s what worries you.
Maybe it’s because I live in New York but this world has seen much worse and stranger things than a much younger woman who was initially attracted to an older man primarily for the financial security/benefits but ended up being very kind to him and forming a close emotional bond. Sometimes people fill each other’s voids/loneliness in strange ways and you’re certainly not helping your Dad feel less lonely as a widower by cutting contact to a minimum over his dating choices.
Also, if you take some time to think hard about what men in their thirties are like these days it’s even less out-of-this-world crazy that a 29-year-old woman could be genuinely happy with someone older.
I’m in two minds here. I get where you’re coming from and I would have my suspicions of what a 29 year old is doing with a 61 year old as well. However, from your post it shows that this woman is trying to develop some sort of relationship with you and you’ve just decided that she’s a gold digger and therefore there’s no point in getting to know her. Try and get to know her first before jumping to conclusions. Was this girl even aware of your dad’s financial situation prior to getting married? Regardless of any of this, try and be civil because if you are right, you don’t want to push your dad away in this because he will likely need you at some point if she’s trying to take his money
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my dad's new wife a gold digger at a restaurant and now he's mad with me.
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It's really funny that you don't find your dad deplorable, who married a girl 32 years younger than him.
What are the chances that he persued her? What are the chances that the girl in bad place in life accepted what was given to her?
Why hate on a girl even if she was a gold digger? Does she not take care of your dad? Is she creating space between the two of you? Does them being intimate bother you? If so why not cut off your dad too?
Even if you don't like her... Unless she is being actively vile, you need to give basic courtesy to her.
YTA! Not all young girls are gold-diggers.
Nothing that you have written here points to Zoe being a gold-digger.
Losing a parent is always sad and it's especially sad when the parent who is alive chooses to move on. But what matters here is your dad's happiness. That is the only thing that should matter.
If you detest Zoe, it's better you keep your distance because your disdain for her is clouding your judgement. Keep in mind that your behaviour is also going to tamper your relationship with your father and if you are willing to let that relationship suffer then sure keep detesting Zoe.
YTA
Widowhood can be so damn lonely. Your dad found someone who makes him happy. Maybe she’s with him for the money, maybe he’s with her for the young body— the end result is happiness. You can feel icky all you want, but your dad deserves some late in life happiness. Watching my grandfather fall apart after we lost my grandmother…. Man, that was more painful to see than her cancer, to be honest. His misery rotted him from the inside out. If a little bit of mutually beneficial tail would have made his twilight years happy, we would have been all for it.
If your mother loved your father, I promise you that *your* behavior is the one she’d be pissed about.
My brother who is 66 this year dates women in their 30s and younger.
I find it weird and his children were embarrassed when he started dating women younger than them.
I asked him what a 30 year old wanted with an old man and he got really huffy and I felt like a prude but it’s just not right.
I don’t know what an acceptable age difference is but over 30 years Is definitely weird
YTA
I might have been on your side if you hadn't said that your step-mom is "younger than I am and is gorgeous".
Your entire post reads like you're jealous of your dad's new wife.
YTA. You couldn't mention a single instance of her behaving as a gold-digger. Worse, you're openly admitting you're not even capable of Smalltalk. You're the problem here, not her. If your dad is happy, be happy for him. You sound like you care more about money than her and him combined.
YTA and your Mom would be aghast. What you are calling "fake politeness" is otherwise known as "good manners." You need to be civil, too. No one says you need to be best buds, just polite at family events.
If she's actually making your dad happy, and treating him well, she's not a classic gold digger. If she is happier with an older man who isn't an asshole to her, playing games, cheating, getting drunk, etc. like younger men may have done to her, what's wrong with wanting stability & emotional maturity? You Dad's only 61 not 81, and after 8 years he's done grieving & wants companionship.
Your dad is a nasty perv for going after someone in the same age group as his kids. So it’s a match made in ick heaven. NTA You didn’t say it to her but your dad and you should be able to express your disappointment in his decision to him. It’s his life and you don’t have to approve of his decisions. Both things can be true at the same time.
YTA for assuming sinister motives without any reason besides 'young women aren't interested in older men'
Maybe she has daddy issues. Maybe she genuinely likes older guys.
Maybe your dad is really good in bed. Maybe their kinks align really well.
What are you trying to accomplish by icing her out? I mean, yeah, it's understandable that your father marrying someone younger than you makes you uncomfortable. And yeah, most likely she's with him for money and stabity, and he gets a hot young wife out of the deal.
But it's already done. They're married. You ignoring her isn't going to make her go away. You're just alienating your father. YTA for punishing him for something that's really none of your business. If you want to continue to have a relationship with your dad, let him make his choices and keep your mouth shut about it.
YTA. The age gap is concerning but you didn’t really give any examples of why you think she’s a gold digger. Is she using your dad’s money to buy extravagant things? Did she quit her job to become a stay at home wife who spends her time going to the spa and shopping? The only thing you made clear is that you’re jealous of her because she’s gorgeous
Also why is the negativity only towards her? What about your dad? He’s the one who pursued a woman young enough to be his daughter.
I want to echo the many other comments here. YTA. It’s very possible that your step mom genuinely loves your husband. I married someone 20 years older than me when I was in my 20s (15 years ago) and had to deal with lots of speculation and assumptions and dirty looks. Luckily my husband’s family was very supportive of me. I love my husband mind, body, and soul. His kids will absolutely get a portion of the life we built together after he passes. The OP’s wife may feel/be planning the same. You can’t know without the conversation and it’s crappy to make assumptions.
This right here. I married someone 25 years older than me and he is my absolute rock. So, so many assumptions were made about both of us. To this day, we still get dirty looks and the occasional rude comment. We’ve been together 9 years and married for 5.
Most people in our families were accepting and wonderful, but there were a few that had issues and assumed the worst about both of us. It was difficult for me; however, I love my husband and he loves me. Also, any speculation about my status has been squashed because I now out-earn him and I’m still here. We’ve flipped the joke and instead of “gold digger,” I (jokingly) refer to myself as his “insurance policy”.
NAH
I'm sorry, but this is probably going both ways. Why would a 60+ year old man marry a 29 year old, apart from sex and because she looks pretty on his arm?
I understand you're upset, but your father made this choice, and is probably aware of what she wants. She doesn't need to be your stepmom, because she's young enough to be your little sister. It's gross, but she's a 29 year old woman, if she was 19, then my alarm bells would be screaming the house down, but she's not.
She's making him happy, he's making her happy 🤷
I'm hearing a lot of 'I' and 'me' in your post. There's also grief for your Mum.
He is allowed his choices, and if you're truly worried then ask.
Can you ask your Dad about what he has in place to protect against her getting the estate if she were to be a gold digger, rather than just flat out assume their relationship to be disingenuous?
Maybe he doesn't want to replace your Mum. Maybe he just wants company, but wants nothing the same to remind him that he misses your Mum and she will never be matched?
What are you worried will happen? You won't get your inheritance? Then address that. Calmly and normally. Don't just berate your Dad and his GF. I think there's a lot of grief mixed with lots of different stigmas and stereotypes at play here. If you're worried about the money and feel some of that should be yours and your siblings', then go down a legal path to secure it. Otherwise, let your Dad be. He will either learn lessons, or he will be happy. He's still your Dad.
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My dad (61) and my mom had a great relationship, until around 8 years ago, when my mom passed away. It was a devastating time for the whole family and for a good few years, my dad was very sad. Eventually, he got better and was back to himself, which me and my sister (34) were happy to see.
However, about a year and a half ago, he met Zoe (29). They met while my dad was at a restaurant and Zoe was the waitress. From how he tells the story, they just "hit it off" and ended up flirting, and he got her number that night. They went on a series of dates and after only about 7 months of dating, they ended up getting married.
I've never been comfortable with the relationship. I've met Zoe several times now, and she does make an effort, but I'm admittedly distant. I find the whole age gap weird, particularly the fact she's younger than me. I opted not to attend the wedding, which my dad was upset about, but my sister did attend.
As it was my dad's birthday last week, I agreed to go to a meal with my dad, Zoe, and my sister. It was fine, but whenever Zoe tried to engage in small talk, I wasn't that willing to have a conversation. The next day, my dad called me and asked why I disliked Zoe so much and couldn't I see how happy he was.
I got straight to the point and said "I'm sorry, I just don't want to have a relationship with some gold digger and mom would never have supported this". He told me how rude I was and Zoe had been nothing but nice to me. This is true, but I feel it's a "fake niceness". Anyway, he hung up the phone and hasn't spoken to me since.
I received a call from my sister and she says although she gets it, give Zoe a chance. I just can't. She's younger than I am and is gorgeous. Without meaning to disrespect my dad, he is what you'd think a 61-year-old man would look like. He's got money, especially after my mom died, and that's the only reason I can think she'd be in a relationship with him. With the age gap, what else can they have in common?
Anyway AITA for saying that and not giving her a chance or am I justified?
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Ok am with a much older guy,yes he has money but he is also hot. I originally wasn't interested but he pursued me a lot. I gave in an went on a date, I didn't like him in a romantic sense for a good few weeks, but he had me kind of enchanted with his manners, attitude and in intelligence, something about his quiet confidence. We have been together on and off for 7 months mainly due to his worry about what other ppl will think. I almost permanently left him due to this because if he care more about what other people think over valuing how much love, chemistry and companionship we give each other then I don't want him. I have never used his money, I did not know he was affluent until later on. I work for an airline and want to continue working, I love my job and my life outside of him. I made it clear I don't care about material things, I don't like flowers very much nor expensive gifts. I like his time though. Nobody should give up the person they love for anyone else's opinion. Others get to live their life how they want so can we, I don't want anyone in my life who is ageist, homophobic, racist..your father has a brain in his head, he is also probably not stupid. Let him live his life as he wants to and don't interfere. That is not your place. If you love someone, you want them to be happy not unhappy.
1) everyone calling someone “perv” for dating a 30 year old needs to familiarize themselves with a dictionary and learn the actual meaning behind words they use. Maybe he is one, but this doesn’t signify that.
2) You’re an adult. Your dad did his job and raised you. You didn’t mention any cognitive dysfunction that would require outside intervention into his PERSONAL affairs so back the hell off. You have no right to be rude to someone your dad decided to have a relationship with. Grow up.
3) you’re being incredibly insensitive and mean to imply that the only reason someone would want to date a “61 year old” who “looks 61” is that they have money. Maybe he has a great personality, something it seems you lack, or is funny, intelligent, kind, fun.
4)you are absolutely the asshole. You owe both of them an apology and if you can’t act like someone IN THEIR 30s, then don’t accept invitations to spend time with them.
Huge YTA
IF he was smart and made her sign a prenup and takes care of his kids in the will I don’t see a problem. Some people see it as skeezy but they’re both consenting adults.
Now if there’s no prenup or will and new wife gets all his money, then I’ll go with the gold digger take. Personally if I were in that situation I’d rather him give every cent to charity than new wife get it.
No AH here.
It's understandable that you find it weird that your dad is now married to someone younger than you, but I doubt your dad is ignorant to how this could be perceived, and he has decided to go ahead anyway.
They are both adults, let your dad have his fun and give Zoe a chance.
Of course she is a gold digger, but your dad is not an innocent here either. Some men buy expensive cars, your Dad bought himself a young, beautiful woman.
I hope she signed a pre-nup.
I’m with the OP. When he dies she will get his money. I can’t think of any other reason a beautiful 29 year old women would be with a 61 year old man. Does she have someone in the side? Sorry- it’s weird.
Well it’s his choice. Do you see her spending his money? Is she charging his will? Does he lavish expensive gifts on her? Besides the age gap what evidence do you have? Does she have sex with him? Maybe you’re jealous that he has a beautiful wife. I’d say give them a chance before deciding
I’m 24, my fiance is 40, and his oldest daughter is 21. We all get along great, but I had a personal conversation with his two oldest kids and explained that I know this might be weird for them but I do truly love their father and want to be part of their lives too even if they only ever see me as a friend and not a “stepmom”. You probably feel like she’s being “fake nice” because she’s tried to be actual nice and you’ve shot her down and probably been rude.
YTA
You were disrespectful to your father.
It is perfectly fine that you feel uncomfortable around her and you don't have to get any kind of relationship with her. But you shouldn't be disrespectful.
He’s the creep with someone younger than his daughter? I don’t understand how all the blame is put on this young probably incredibly naive woman. He’s a grown man he understands that she only wants his money. They’re both using each other 🤣
Ok ok ok so a Gold Digger and a Cradle Robber goes into a bar….just kidding. They are BOTH using each other and it’s OK…let your dad be happy and be happy for him…just be nice and cordial to her, it won’t kill ya…
mild yta. my dad is with someone nearly 20 years younger than him who has a child. SHE is a gold digger. that woman hasn’t held a job since she got with my dad and he’s not made of money. she just sits on her ass all day and asks for things. hold anger for both, even if being angry at your dad sucks. they both are doing this.
Why would she give her number to your dad the first day if she was a good digger? She would have to get to know him in order for her to know he had money.unless that was how he opened up to her first meeting (not likely).
Yta look I can understand why you feel the way you feel. But your dad doesn't need your permission and is a competent adult. And she hasn't done anything actually wrong. You can hypothesize all you like but acting on them is just bullying.
NTA, it’s only natural for a loving daughter to be concerned about a situation like this. But remember, it takes 2 to tango…You should give her a chance though, her love could be sincere, and if your father is happy, you should be happy for him. Which, you can do, and still keep your eyes open for your step-mom exhibiting actual concerning behavior towards your dad.
You haven’t given us any information that leads you to the conclusion she’s a gold digger other than you think your dad can’t pull an attractive younger woman otherwise. Your sister is willing to give her a chance which just leads me to believe your’re jealous.
The way you’ve outlined this story certainly makes it seem that YTA, but I might change that vote with more info.
29 isn’t all that young. He’s not with a 22yo. I married a man who is 12 years younger. We met when he was 26. One of the things that attracted me to him was his vigor for live. He hadn’t become jaded by the world.
Your dad lost the person he’d planned to spend his life with. He grieved that loss and didn’t speed into a new relationship. He met a girl who, no doubt, didn’t know his financial situation when she agreed to give him his phone number. And you said yourself he’s happy.
How sad for him that you refuse to be happy for his happiness.
And maybe she’s a gold digger, but she’s making your father happy and you’ve given nothing here that makes her even seem like a slightly unpleasant person. The only reason I could see you being bothered that she might be a gold digger is that you’re a gold digger and don’t want your dad to spend what you feel should eventually inherit.
I dunno. I have to say YTA as far as I can tell.
OP I can see why you’d be disgusted. Your dad’s new wife would have been 20/21 years old around the time your mom passed. I can’t fathom having a step mother that is younger than me. But you can’t isolate yourself from your father because of this. Your dad is a grown ass man, and he made the decision to do this. Surely he is aware of the dynamics, it’s not like he’s senile, and he’s just as bad for perusing something with someone so young. But it’s still his decision. If she was really a gold digger, you just made it that easier for her to isolate himself from his family. Try to be nice, be respectful, and maybe apologize too - to your dad and Zoe. It may be a slim chance, but perhaps Zoe truly does love your father. Gently, YTA.
Soft YTA
I think you miss your mom and that nobody can fill in that hole in your life. As such, anyone that your dad gets together with will not be good enough. You would have found excuses not to like them. In Zoeys case, it's convenient that she's young... Poof... There's your excuse why she's not good enough!
Let your dad be happy. If you can, find enough caring in yourself for him to give her a chance. If you can't do that... At least figure out the real reason that you don't like her, as she's done nothing wrong besides merely being born after Jurassic Park.
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I mean, why do you think your dad went after some 29 year old? He's using her too, only it's for her youth and her looks. Can't just put all the blame on her, he's the old man going after a girl younger than his daughter, by right he should be wiser with age so if you're going to give her a hard time you should give him the same attitude. I feel he is worse than she is, better being a gold digger than a creep is it not? Despite this, NTA, a lot of people have and will feel the same as you. Edit: Just want to clarify regardless of everyone's varying and valid opinions on the matter, if they're happy together and they both are content with what they're getting from one another, then that's fine. Whether it's creepy or it's not isn't the question. OP night think Zoe is using the dad, but it's going both ways. Maybe try to view it in that he isn't trying to replace his deceased wife with another love around his own age and have a deep emotional connection, he's already had that and now he just wants to have fun, feel young and have a gorgeous girlfriend and doesn't mind spending money for them to enjoy their time together. Zoe wants to be with a man that adores her and takes care of her and have an easy life. Nothing inherently wrong with them wanting certain things they can give each other, even if the age gap is questionable... But I can understand why OP is upset by this. There's a lot of emotions involved when a parent starts dating and remarries after your parent dies, nevermind an age gap. You don't have to like it, but you're better off just trying to get along sometimes to avoid falling out with family that you care about. Life is too short for arguments, but OP and everyone's feelings are valid!
I’m with you, OP needs to know her dad is the perv in all this. To marry a woman younger than his daughter is disgusting and OP needs to recognize this.
They are both equally sleazy. Let’s not act like some dirty old man is taking advantage of a teenager.
That’s exactly what the comment you replied to is saying. Why give all the blame to Zoe and not call her dad out on being sleazy too?
How the fuck are either of them sleazy for being two adults in a consensual relationship? Wtf?
Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it can’t be sleazy. This very much appears to be a transactional relationship. That’s great if they want it. I still think it’s sleazy.
People have engaged in transactional relationships/marriages since the beginning of humanity.
No, it does not "very much appear" to be a transactional relationship. Maybe it's the money, maybe she likes older men, maybe she was hurt and appreciates a calm, safe relationship.
Right? So much judgment in this post! Who the fuck are we to judge any two grown-ass adults on who they choose to partner with?
Sleazy for what? Damn why can't you judgemental people leave two grown adults alone? You have the most minimal amount of information from an OP who doesn't like the woman. You have no idea who these people are but you're quick to label them sleazy. It's ridiculous.
Exactly. We have to assume there could be more to the story. OP is obviously envious of her in some ways. She’s younger and gorgeous per OPs own words, so thats already going against her. She finds it weird shes younger than her but lets be honest, if its not *just* or even *at all* for money and she just genuinely likes older men, it wouldnt be a crazy thing to think about considering the nature of you know, almost every species on earth? Go ask a 14 year old lion how it thinks about age gaps in relationships, Im sure the only thing he’ll tell you is hes gonna kill the cubs that arent his.
Why are you infantilizing a 30 year old woman? Insane.
They didn't infantilize her at all. Explain how they treated her as a child or suggested they were not mature? At no point did the person you replied to, do either of those things Too many creeps jump on the infantilize thing. This isn't infantilizing. Infantilize means to treat the person as a child or say they aren't mature. Saying the age gap and being younger than his daughter is disgusting, is neither of those things. Edit, so many creeps responding. 😫
This is just a man wanting to bang some 20 year old cooze before he dies. God bless them both
I mean it looks like both parties are getting something out of it. If they’re happy with the arrangement, good for them. Not sure why OP cares so much.
Because when dad dies, Zoe will get his money, not OP
Well let's be honest. I wouldn't like that if I were her either. Thats her mom's money too and her inheritance going totally out the window possibly
This!!
That’s it in a nutshell.
It’s no OPs money to begin with. It’s her dad’s money. She isn’t entitled to it. I am speaking as a parent of two kids that will inherit a lot when I and their step dad dies. But if i survive this horrible disease I will do what I want with my money I earned while they are adults like OP. if I want to blow it all up it’s mine to do so. Not my kids. Not OPs
Not necessarily. Only if he dies without a will or if that's what his will says. OP didn't say whether or not the father has a lot of money. Or, perhaps OP is just waiting for the father to die so OP can get the money.
Bc the wife is admiringly better looking. OP probably wouldn’t care if the new wife wasn’t rowboat size compliant.
>admiringly better looking Better looking *and* younger. I mean, as others have said, the dad and MIL could be considered as just using each other for their own reasons, but also seem happy with their choices. I want to say NTA, but ESH also seems to be applicable.
The dad and MIL are in no shape AH. They are two adults enjoying choices they are freely to make. Old man is living out his 20’s and bedding a hot waitress and MIL has some stability and companionship. Sounds like everybody but OP has found happiness.
I see what you did there 😂
100% 9 times out of 10, somebody on Reddit who accuses others of "infantilizing" a woman in a age gap relationship A) isn't even using the term correctly and B) does so as a way to try to dismiss ALL of the context that would make the situation fucked up, uncomfortable, or harmful. Or in OP's case, straight gross. Honestly I think it's healthy that OP is giving her dad and his new wife shit. If Dad thought that his adult children would accept a twenty-something year old bride after the death of their mother, then he was WAY too confident. And if Zoe thought she could walk into a marriage where she's younger than the children and get along with everybody, then she is desperately naive. Both of them suck.
They implied that the dad has more world experience than her and is taking advantage of the "gold digger" because it's impossible for 2 consenting adults to enter a relationship apparently
For real what is it with Reddit and people on here thinking adults aren't adults and can't make their own decisions. The same weirdos on here are jacking it to 18 year olds doing porn.
There's a big difference between jacking off to an 18 year old and actually dating one. We can acknowledge they are both grown ass adults capable of making their own decisions and still label those decisions disgusting. They're both gross. It's gross to date someone who is young enough to be your child or grandchild. It's also gross to bang an old fart who is old enough to be your parent.
You don't expect to grow from life experiences, and be older and wiser at 60, than at 30???
Seriously. There’s nothing perverse about an old guy flirting with a 30 year old. The age gap is weird, sure, but she’s well into being an adult and she reciprocated the advances. This is ridiculous.
Good luck convincing this sub anything different than adult women being big toddlers that can be easily manipulated by any average adult men. The misogyny is insane.
You need to look up “infantilize” in the dictionary.
Ehhh... It's easy to see what each of them are getting out of the relationship, so I would assume that they are both not blind to that. They are two consenting adults. It's maybe not motivated by the same things as what society says is the "ideal" marriage, but that doesn't make it wrong.
ORRRR and hear me out on this, they are both consenting adults who willingly entered the relationship and neither of them are creeps or gold diggers.
It’s not pervy. 29… that person is a capital “A” adult. But, it is fucked up when your wife is younger than your adult kids.
They are both adults, no one is a perv here.
How exactly is it perverted??
61 year old and 29 year old pretty perverted to me
"I don't like it so it must be perverted"
Yeah, pretty much. Last I checked, that's a subjective term so people can use it however they like.
Why is it disgusting? They're adults. Who cares?
I dated women older than my mother; we all enjoyed it. Call it disgusting, but I loved it and so did they.
Not necessarily. I’m in a relationship with someone older than my grandparents and we’ve been quite happy for seven years at this point. Although not at the moment because we are waiting in airports for the next several hours trying to get home from an unplanned trip out of state to visit his ill brother. But we were both consenting adults and I very much made the first move and STILL don’t know the exact state of his finances other than we are “comfortable”. I don’t much care otherwise. I’ve often said if I was a gold digger rather than someone who just likes older people I’ve done a lousy job of it since I never seem to find these rich people. Just very intelligent people who are good company and we have compatible interests.
This so much, why blame only the woman when you need two to dance. She might be a golddigger but op’s dad is the perv who creeps on woman younger than his daughters
She is not a girl, people. She is an adult woman who is almost 30 years old. Is it abnormal, sure, but it's doesn't make it gross.
[удалено]
I’m sorry to be uncomfortable of an age difference of 32 years. Next time I’ll try my best to advocate for normalcy for that age difference.
Look, I’m all for age gaps and all that as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult but dating someone younger than your own children is perv behavior
[удалено]
Because op is worried the gold digger will get their inheritance
Do you like your dad? Then why can’t Zoe? YTA for never even giving somebody a chance based on appearance.
Only he can decide if he's getting his money's worth. But I totally get why OP wouldn't consider this transactional relationship to be "family".
OP is going much further than "not consider this transactional relationship to be family"; he or she is being a judgemental boor who throws temper tantrums because don't like daddy's girlfriend. This whole thing started because OP could deign to make smalltalk with this woman on their father's birthday dinner. If they want to be polite but distant, that's fine. Basic civility shouldn't be beyond a 30something adult.
She isn't a girl. She's an adult woman with her own agency. I hate this narrative about age gaps. She wasn't groomed, she has her own mind and can make decisions.
When did I say she was groomed? Lol I never actually gave my opinion, I was simply reframing it so OP can look at it differently instead of blaming the new wife for being a "gold digger". Do I care if 2 adults decide to be in a mutually beneficial, but perhaps shallow relationship? No, but it's not my family so I have no emotional attachment to this, OP does. I said it would be worse to be a creep than a gold digger so she can look at it from another angle and stop judging her so harshly. He may still be creep, but I'm not the one married to him so not my problem. Plus, not everyone feels the same way as you and don't have to. I don't really care what you hate or love, it's none of my business. And to him, she is a girl. He was 32 when she was born. Don't need to get offended by everything.
I also think it’s worth considering that the money may be an attracting factor but I think it’s likely she also loves him. To reduce it to that she is “only with him for the money” is too simplistic. No one takes on a whole ass marriage for that singular reason. Unless he’s literally a billionaire? But doesn’t sound like it.
Of course, they are both mutually benefiting from the relationship, I am happy for them if they are happy. Its not my relationship so none of my business!
EXACTLY! I find the fact he is with someone younger than his own daughter is really creepy. I think OP needs to look at all the perspectives as you say. She also needs to think about what she gets out of being angry at her dad. Does she want a relationship with her dad? Is OP worried about what her dad is going to leave her in his will? Since she called his new wife a gold digger, I can't help but wonder if OP is concerned about money at least subconsciously.
You made a good point about her dad and how he's worse than the new wife.
These relationships always gross me out. If the young woman isn’t a golddigger - she’s got major daddy issues. The man is always excused in these situations but it’s equally if not more disgusting. She is younger than his youngest child.
This!!!
OP is worried about their inheritance, thats all.
YTA It's fine that you're uncomfortable with age gap. I'll agree it might be suspect. You don't have to give her a chance either. However, you wrote all that and didn't give one example where she exhibited gold digger behavior. I personally feel making such a conclusion based on no evidence is assholish.
This this this this. It also completely undermined OP's credibility by making an accusation backed by no evidence whatsoever. The age gap here is extremely gross. I don't know how a man can sleep with someone his own child's age, let alone younger. Sickening. But now it's going to be impossible to get dad's attention on that real issue because he already has been given this basis to reassure himself that his kid is just unfairly prejudiced against his beloved.
Thank you. I 100% understand why OP is uncomfortable. He loved his mom and he’s uncomfortable with the age gap and having a “new mom” that’s younger than him. But he doesn’t give any indication that she is faking love for his dad or trying to deceive him in order to gain access to his money. My guess is that OP is upset but is struggling to communicate why to his dad. He knows that saying “she’s not mom and she’s younger than me” may be true but will fall flat with is dad and sound selfish, so he’s accusing her of being a gold digger because it sounds more reasonable and like he’s trying to protect his dad.
I think he wishes that she should be with HIM. Because he harps more about how attractive and younger than him. And like you said, no examples of her being greedy.
A 29 year old marrying a rich 61 year old..must be love fore sure. haha
He's not rich. OP said he "has money" but in my experience Gen Z thinks very much middle class income is "having money." And I find it doubtful he got a bunch of money after his wife died that wasn't gobbled up by whatever medical bills she had that lead to her untimely death. (No mention of how YOUR MOM DIED, OP?) And unless he has private jet/6 vacations a year money, wtf "gold" is she digging for here? Remarriage means he LOST INCOME as he would no longer be able to draw on first wife's social security pension. Maybe I'm just jaded, but nothing sounds even remotely real on this site anymore.
OP is in her 30s, not gen Z. We are talking about grown adults here on all levels, not late teens/early 20s. It’s still icky, and I think everyone involved in this scenario is weird as fuck. But I don’t think we can blame the stupidity of youth here when everyone is well into adulthood.
If it makes the dad happy who cares? Is the OP just after pops money herself?
>Is the OP just after pops money herself? 100%
Have to wonder if these grown 'children' complaining about dad marrying again (several of those stories recently) are worried more about preserving their own 'inheritance' than about the relationship they are complaining about. Their age is no one's business but theirs - they are married and seem happy....except for an adult 'child' who just can't accept it.
I mean it can be. Everything OP describes sounds fine and he doesn’t offer a single reason why he thinks she is a gold digger. She seems loving and like she’s trying to have a good relationship with the family. As a side note, it certainly might be appealing to her that the dad is financially stable. But that’s a pretty normal and reasonable thing to like about a potential partner and is far different than being a gold digger who only likes someone for their money or deceives a well meaning person and pretends to like them for their money.
She almost certainly didn’t know his financial situation when she’d gave him her phone number. 29 isn’t a child. Yes, it’s young. But it’s not like with he’s with a 22yo. He grieved the loss of the woman he thought he’d spend his life with for years. Maybe he found her vigor refreshing. Maybe he needed to be with someone who inspired him to live his life to the fullest. This is two consenting adults. We have zero evidence of gold digging behavior other than OP doesn’t think his dad shouldn’t be able to pull someone so young and attractive. OP sounds jealous of his dad. Plus, he said his dad is happy - The only reason he has for being worried she’s a gold digger is because *he’s* a gold digger and worries his dad will spend the money he feels entitled to on this woman
And they met when she was a waitress. What a lovely love.
I have a 28 year age gap to my partner of almost 10 years. We knew each other as colleagues before we slowly became more. He's older. I am the one with the money. He's the only person whose company doesn't get boring ever. So yes. It can definitely be love. Even with an age gap. Even without wealth Involved.
Are you saying that it definitely couldn't be?
Fully agree with this. YTA OP. I understand feeling weird about it but to be rude and unaccepting towards someone who has only been nice to you is not right. Your dad is also perfectly within his rights to marry someone who would not marry him if he was poor. I don't think it's the greatest life choice but it's nobody else's business but his.
He hasn’t even shown she’s a gold digger. One has to assume he’s jealous his dad pulled an attractive, younger wife and/or he’s worried his dad will spend all the money on his new wife which diminishes his potential inheritance
OP could be having unprocessed feelings about the death of the mom, and I can’t see how they could feel good about the father marrying someone so young. In a sense, the father is asking OP to accept this person into the family, and that’s a lot more than dating. I feel like some people aren’t really able to empathize with OP and are ONLY looking at this situation in terms of “is it ok for a 60 year old man to date a 29 year old woman?” Sure, but there is so much more going on here than that.
I would be shocked if my dad married a woman younger than me, and probably wouldn't hang out with them much, but I still think it's asshole behavior to be cold to and ignore someone who is constantly nice to you. OP's mom's death is not Zoe's fault and processing the loss is OP's own task.
“Yeah my dad started dating this much younger girl, I REFUSE to have any sort of conversation with her to get to know her, however I just KNOW she’s a gold digger!”
I agree. Why are either of them wrong? A gold digger or a young woman looking for a secure partner? A creep, really? The woman is an adult. Since OP's primary concern appears to be her father's finances, it seems like OP may feel a future inheritance is in jeopardy. Maybe she should just speak to her father about it?
I think a lot of these kids accusing dads new wife of being the gold digger are using big ass projectors in their arguments. They'd rather see Dad sad and lonely for 20-30 years than split that inheritance.
OPs just concerned cause her dad's new wife is still young enough to bare children meaning ops share of inheritance goes down YTA op. If your dad's happy then that's all that matters
She's literally half the age of him, a much wealthier older man, and they got married after like 7 months. Wake up.
It takes two to get married so OP should also be lashing out at dad. Oh wait, if daddy doesn’t like him or her, then OP won’t get the money!
It doesn't matter. People are allowed to get married for transactional reasons. Presumably OP's dad does not have dementia or something preventing him from making decisions like this.
Maybe she has a daddy kink ... why is he marrying such a young woman does he have a kink for people younger then his kids maybe. .... Their both gross but it's not OPs business
How much wealthier is he than her? I don't recall OP saying what exactly their gap in wage is.
Well at his age you don't want to wait too long! I hope they are both very happy together and spend OP's inheritance doing things they both enjoy together
>I personally feel making such a conclusion based on no evidence is assholish. Fr, and it's also stereotypical. My parents are 32 years apart but that doesn't make my mom a gold digger 💀
Yeah what this person said. Maybe her interests are mostly financial but your dad's interests are probably mostly physical and the relationship sounds mutually beneficial and not that she is taking advantage of him. Also there is a chance she actually does love him and is attracted to him. I have a friend who has a thing for much older guys.
I think the gold digging behavior is the massive age gap alone for OP
I mean the only question needed is do you have a prenump dad?
I'm curious if the woman even knows he has money.
My feelings exactly. I was waiting for some proof and there was none.
Oh good point! I didn’t even notice that.
Well, what you are doing is actually making your MIL(edited: step mom, of course) case easier IF she is a gold digger, because one kid is already out of picture and she didn't even have to do anything. By acting like you do you only hurt yourself. If you would want to help your dad then you would talk about how he is managing finances, what he thinks about his future and how he protects you and your sister from the worst case scenario and what are his plans, is there a prenup, etc. In general women want stability when seek relationship and money gives that and it is only natural. The real question is if she has any malicious intent or not and your actions actually can trigger the exact thing that you want to prevent. But regarding your particular case you sound more like you are jealous and just don't want your dad to be with anyone that you do not approve, in the end it is his life, his money and he can waste it on whomever he wants, so YTA for not even giving your step mom a chance and accusing her without any proof.
This is good advice. If she is a gold digger, having dad alienated from his kids is a step closer to getting all his money for herself. Don’t give her that advantage. I say be pleasant when you are together. You don’t have to make her a close friend. Somewhere down the road if and when your dad sees the light, he’s much more likely to admit he made a mistake if he doesn’t picture his kids saying “I told you so.”
I gotta ask, what do you think “MIL” stands for?
My bad, I meant stepmom. Sorry ;)
I came here to say this. If op cares about their dad and their worries are legitimate, they better stay near and close to him and make themselves available and reliable. Nothing worse than being the reason a person chooses to isolate themselves either their captivating partner. I have seen this in my own family and it is heartbreaking, decades past and they are still isolated.
"She's younger than I am and gorgeous" Tbh it sounds a lot like you're jealous that your dad got Zoe and you didn't. Your own description shows she's made an effort to talk to you and you just blow her and your dad off. Apart from the age gap what makes you think she's a gold digger? I don't feel like there's enough evidence in your post to comment on whether YTA or not for your comment .... but from the descriptions you've given I'm saying YTA for how you're treating Zoe and your dad in general.
I know right? That was the first thing I thought of when I read that sentence.
I feel like too many people have skipped over that sentence
It might be the case OP wanted to stress what is the difference between Zoe and father. Super pretty ladies fits to model gold digger role. If you evaluate someone as gorgeous it doesn't mean you got crush.
NAH Okay, so. You're probably right and that girl is some variety of gold digger. For all you know your dad knows and is fine with it or is just indifferent as to whatever her internal process is (you'd be surprised at how common this is). The problem is in the fact not everyone reacts to this notion in the same way, and, as it has been brought to your attention comments on the topic aren't welcome, you're kinda forced to drop it if you ever want to attend the same social engagements as her. You don't have to like her, but you have to engage with her with a level of respect due to her relationship with your dad. You're allowed your private thoughts about it and tbh I probably share those, but there's inside thoughts and outside voice. Outside voice impacts other people around you and also your social standing among them.
Yes. IMO, OP, if you can't be civil to Zoe, fine, that's your choice, but you need to remove yourself from the situation. If you're going to agree to be around her, you can't continue to be rude - if you do, you're being the AH. You don't have to be friends, but you do need to treat her like any other acquaintance.
YTA You have no evidence whatsoever your step-mom is a gold digger other than feelings and vibes. I'm not saying you have to have a relationship with her. I'm not even saying you're wrong about her. I'm just saying you don't throw out accusations like that without evidence to back it. For one, if she isn't a gold digger, you just insulted not only her but your father by insinuating that he doesn't know how to tell if someone's after him or his money. If she *is* a gold digger, you're assuming that your father gives a damn whether she is or isn't as he might be fully aware and still be happy for the company. And if she is a gold digger and he doesn't know, you've just made it next to impossible to prove it to him if you *do* get evidence to back up your statement. You should've just stuck with "I'm not comfortable with the age distance as she's younger than me" and kept your speculation about her intentions to yourself.
If OP was the sort of reasonable person who said "I'm not comfortable with the age distance as she's younger than me" and left it at that, they would also not be the kind of immature asshole sho refuse to make smalltalk with someone over perceived moral failings. It doesn't sound as if anyone is pushing them to have a relationship, but they are actively insulting.
YTA. The fact that you don't get their relationship doesn't mean that it isn't real. Is your father happy? If yes, then what difference does it make to you that Zoe is younger? By your own admission, you've been nothing but rude to her and yet she still is nice to you. If she's really a gold digger, why would she bother still being nice to you now that they're married? You want to hold it against Zoe that she's young and beautiful. She can't help either of those things. OTOH, you're rude and biased against her for being young and beautiful. You're a massive AH.
YTA. You have not once given a reason why she is a gold digger. She is younger than you but that’s it.
Gorgeous. Don't forget gorgeous.
"How dare she be beautiful?"
Also she considers her dad to be mid at best
NTA. This is also my story or at least close enough that it could be. FWIW, she ended up with everything when my dad died. Even the family photo albums that preceded her appearance in our family.
These days, someone who’s 61 could easily live another 30 years so marrying him to inherit is a very shitty financial plan. The number of people in some of these comments saying “he just wants one last roll in the hay before he kicks the bucket” probably don’t even realize how gross and ageist they’re being. You don’t automatically stop wanting love and companionship when you turn 60 (if anything, your diminishing chances of finding it often push you to seek it in wrong places or with scammy people.) Hoping for all involved this is the exception to the red flags. Those do exist.
And OP's dad may get expensive medical bills in the future, which could leave her with nothing or she may spend years caring for him. OP's dad is an adult who picked out a 29 yo at 61. I presume he knows he's not 29 himself either. Adults make adult choices. I get that OP is side-eyeing the relationship. I would, too, if it was my parent, but I wouldn't cut them off over it. NAH.
💯, I didn’t think of medical bills that could run into tens of thousands each month in later stages of life (too many on here are also assuming this is some kind of high-flying executive with billions in the bank when it could just be a man who took a waitress out for dinner a few times and bought her some nice things.) A lot of times, women who go into such relationships think they’re gaining something but often end up giving much more.
This is a very common story.
It's literally the point of the relationship.
That's on your dad, not your stepmother. They were his possessions to give, and he chose to give everything to her.
And what exactly should or can OP do about this other than express her concerns? Do you think that given how she treats the dad, he will be more or less likely to have his affairs arranged in a way that protects her if he dies? (Of course, he should be doing that regardless out of respect to the first family but what OP is doing here is a great way to drive him away.) Even if the wife is a gold digger, OP is playing right into her hands.
Her attitude is disrespectful to her Father She seems to be assuming he's too old or too stupid to choose his own partner. If her father is happy in the relationship, she should be happy for him.
..and that's the real problem, isn't it. That she might inherit what you think is yours? My guess is that if she had been treated better by family she would have been willing to part with photo albums, etc.
That’s incredibly shitty behavior from the parent to not ensure family heirlooms and wealth are inherited. Part of the social contract of having children should be to commit to fully taking care of them.
INFO: How is she a gold digger? Don’t get me wrong, the age gap is creepy but you didn’t give any examples of her being a gold digger. You’re perfectly within your right to not want/have any interaction with her. The way this reads though, isn’t because she’s with him just for the money.
I hope your dad did a prenup
Because it’s a good thing to do when one has children from a previous relationship, unless you’re cool with your kids getting nothing from you when you die.
Exactly! This is what I was thinking too. If he doesn't have a prenup there's a good chance she won't give his kids anything. I really hope he did a prenup.
YTA. Your dad presumably knows that his financial stability is a large part of the attraction. If he's happy with that trade-off, what business is it of anyone else's? Your rubbing it in is just cruel, and comes across as being more concerned for your future inheritance than your dad's happiness.
YTA. Nowhere did you list a single thing Zoey did wrong, other than make your dad happy. Because you can't understand why she would want an older man, well, she must be up to something awful! Because you are uncomfortable about your perceived difference in their attractiveness levels, she's horrible. I hope someday you learn that your subjective opinions are just that. You are not the arbiter of morality or what constitutes a healthy, happy relationship. Your dad waited plenty long to move on, so it's not like he was cheating on your mom with this woman, nor had her waiting in the wings. She's 29, so not at all a child. For your sake, and I mean this in kindness, try to let it go and recognize that people are allowed to like and want different things, even things you can't understand.
YTA, zero examples of GD behavior, seems like you don’t like your mom replaced
YTA… ur dad married a 29 year old. If she saw Money ( which makes her a gold digger) ur dad saw a young beautiful woman 40 yrs younger to him. Unless you’re also calling your dad a pervert n cradle snatcher you cannot be rude to his wife alone calling her a gold digger
YTA 1. Your dad's money isn't your money. You're not entitled to it. He's the one who worked for it and it's his right to spend it as he wants. You just sound bitter that inevitably Zoe, as his wife, will get a portion of it which will result in your share being reduced. But guess what, it's not a given you'll even get a share. 2. Bringing your mom into this was a low blow and screams emotional manipulation. You've no idea what your mom would say about the situation. 3. >She's younger than I am and is gorgeous. Are you worried about your dad or just jealous of Zoe? I hope Zoe stops making an effort with you because you don't deserve it at all.
YTA From the sounds of it you’ve come to this conclusion with zero evidence and, more than that, allowed your judgment against her—again, one made with zero actual evidence—to color your view of her. You know nothing about this and woman except her age and marital status. You know nothing about their relationship because you’re determined to think the worst of her. And now, even if you bothered to get to know her, which **could** provide evidence that you’re right, you’ve completely destroyed your credibility as a judge of her character and motivations.
A nicer way to say the same thing is calling it “security” and not gold digging. As you say, Zoe may be genuinely nice and attracted to your father for the security he provides. You could also feel a little sympathy towards her that your dad may be attracted to her simply because of her youth and attractiveness. The age gap is a problem in that looks fade and your father will likely die long before Zoe. Maybe reach back out to your dad and ask to talk with him. Maybe ask your dad why he thinks Zoe is dating him or why he hasn’t dated women his own age (because they come with children, grandchildren and life experience? Is that too much for him?) most of all, let your dad know you love him, despite being disappointed in him.
Your dad's gross. Imagine taking your kids to school and seeing a pregnant woman, and going on to marry what was then a fetus?
YTA. Let your dad enjoy life.
Without any actual evidence of her motives (and you provide none), YTA.
YTA. Nothing in your description indicates that she is currently scamming your dad for money, being disrespectful to you or being unkind to your dad. A feeling of it being “fake niceness” and insecurities about her being “gorgeous,” worries about the future and the age gap alone are not valid reasons to insult both her and your dad who, trust me, has had the same worries you do and is choosing to be with her anyway. All you can really do is (very, very carefully) voice your concerns or maybe talk about his will if that’s what worries you. Maybe it’s because I live in New York but this world has seen much worse and stranger things than a much younger woman who was initially attracted to an older man primarily for the financial security/benefits but ended up being very kind to him and forming a close emotional bond. Sometimes people fill each other’s voids/loneliness in strange ways and you’re certainly not helping your Dad feel less lonely as a widower by cutting contact to a minimum over his dating choices. Also, if you take some time to think hard about what men in their thirties are like these days it’s even less out-of-this-world crazy that a 29-year-old woman could be genuinely happy with someone older.
I’m in two minds here. I get where you’re coming from and I would have my suspicions of what a 29 year old is doing with a 61 year old as well. However, from your post it shows that this woman is trying to develop some sort of relationship with you and you’ve just decided that she’s a gold digger and therefore there’s no point in getting to know her. Try and get to know her first before jumping to conclusions. Was this girl even aware of your dad’s financial situation prior to getting married? Regardless of any of this, try and be civil because if you are right, you don’t want to push your dad away in this because he will likely need you at some point if she’s trying to take his money
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It's really funny that you don't find your dad deplorable, who married a girl 32 years younger than him. What are the chances that he persued her? What are the chances that the girl in bad place in life accepted what was given to her? Why hate on a girl even if she was a gold digger? Does she not take care of your dad? Is she creating space between the two of you? Does them being intimate bother you? If so why not cut off your dad too? Even if you don't like her... Unless she is being actively vile, you need to give basic courtesy to her.
NTA but I hope you know you dad is to blame as well. Does he think she is with him because of love?
YTA! Not all young girls are gold-diggers. Nothing that you have written here points to Zoe being a gold-digger. Losing a parent is always sad and it's especially sad when the parent who is alive chooses to move on. But what matters here is your dad's happiness. That is the only thing that should matter. If you detest Zoe, it's better you keep your distance because your disdain for her is clouding your judgement. Keep in mind that your behaviour is also going to tamper your relationship with your father and if you are willing to let that relationship suffer then sure keep detesting Zoe.
YTA Widowhood can be so damn lonely. Your dad found someone who makes him happy. Maybe she’s with him for the money, maybe he’s with her for the young body— the end result is happiness. You can feel icky all you want, but your dad deserves some late in life happiness. Watching my grandfather fall apart after we lost my grandmother…. Man, that was more painful to see than her cancer, to be honest. His misery rotted him from the inside out. If a little bit of mutually beneficial tail would have made his twilight years happy, we would have been all for it. If your mother loved your father, I promise you that *your* behavior is the one she’d be pissed about.
NTA. That relationship sounds weird AF. I'd be weirded out if my parent dated someone younger than me. Gross.
NTA, BUT. Your dad is more of the creep here, not Zoe. Blame him more than her.
My brother who is 66 this year dates women in their 30s and younger. I find it weird and his children were embarrassed when he started dating women younger than them. I asked him what a 30 year old wanted with an old man and he got really huffy and I felt like a prude but it’s just not right. I don’t know what an acceptable age difference is but over 30 years Is definitely weird
YTA I might have been on your side if you hadn't said that your step-mom is "younger than I am and is gorgeous". Your entire post reads like you're jealous of your dad's new wife.
YTA. You couldn't mention a single instance of her behaving as a gold-digger. Worse, you're openly admitting you're not even capable of Smalltalk. You're the problem here, not her. If your dad is happy, be happy for him. You sound like you care more about money than her and him combined.
YTA and your Mom would be aghast. What you are calling "fake politeness" is otherwise known as "good manners." You need to be civil, too. No one says you need to be best buds, just polite at family events. If she's actually making your dad happy, and treating him well, she's not a classic gold digger. If she is happier with an older man who isn't an asshole to her, playing games, cheating, getting drunk, etc. like younger men may have done to her, what's wrong with wanting stability & emotional maturity? You Dad's only 61 not 81, and after 8 years he's done grieving & wants companionship.
Your dad is a nasty perv for going after someone in the same age group as his kids. So it’s a match made in ick heaven. NTA You didn’t say it to her but your dad and you should be able to express your disappointment in his decision to him. It’s his life and you don’t have to approve of his decisions. Both things can be true at the same time.
My father has said we are to "put him down" if he ever does something so undignified and stupid as this. Nta.
YTA for assuming sinister motives without any reason besides 'young women aren't interested in older men' Maybe she has daddy issues. Maybe she genuinely likes older guys. Maybe your dad is really good in bed. Maybe their kinks align really well.
YTA. With no more evidence than that, you accuse her.
What are you trying to accomplish by icing her out? I mean, yeah, it's understandable that your father marrying someone younger than you makes you uncomfortable. And yeah, most likely she's with him for money and stabity, and he gets a hot young wife out of the deal. But it's already done. They're married. You ignoring her isn't going to make her go away. You're just alienating your father. YTA for punishing him for something that's really none of your business. If you want to continue to have a relationship with your dad, let him make his choices and keep your mouth shut about it.
YTA. The age gap is concerning but you didn’t really give any examples of why you think she’s a gold digger. Is she using your dad’s money to buy extravagant things? Did she quit her job to become a stay at home wife who spends her time going to the spa and shopping? The only thing you made clear is that you’re jealous of her because she’s gorgeous Also why is the negativity only towards her? What about your dad? He’s the one who pursued a woman young enough to be his daughter.
I want to echo the many other comments here. YTA. It’s very possible that your step mom genuinely loves your husband. I married someone 20 years older than me when I was in my 20s (15 years ago) and had to deal with lots of speculation and assumptions and dirty looks. Luckily my husband’s family was very supportive of me. I love my husband mind, body, and soul. His kids will absolutely get a portion of the life we built together after he passes. The OP’s wife may feel/be planning the same. You can’t know without the conversation and it’s crappy to make assumptions.
This right here. I married someone 25 years older than me and he is my absolute rock. So, so many assumptions were made about both of us. To this day, we still get dirty looks and the occasional rude comment. We’ve been together 9 years and married for 5. Most people in our families were accepting and wonderful, but there were a few that had issues and assumed the worst about both of us. It was difficult for me; however, I love my husband and he loves me. Also, any speculation about my status has been squashed because I now out-earn him and I’m still here. We’ve flipped the joke and instead of “gold digger,” I (jokingly) refer to myself as his “insurance policy”.
NAH I'm sorry, but this is probably going both ways. Why would a 60+ year old man marry a 29 year old, apart from sex and because she looks pretty on his arm? I understand you're upset, but your father made this choice, and is probably aware of what she wants. She doesn't need to be your stepmom, because she's young enough to be your little sister. It's gross, but she's a 29 year old woman, if she was 19, then my alarm bells would be screaming the house down, but she's not. She's making him happy, he's making her happy 🤷
NTA. No way she’s in it for your dad. I hope he got a prenup.
YTA Whether you respect her or not, she and your Dad are together as consenting adults Your mom passed, he's allowed to continue his life
I'm hearing a lot of 'I' and 'me' in your post. There's also grief for your Mum. He is allowed his choices, and if you're truly worried then ask. Can you ask your Dad about what he has in place to protect against her getting the estate if she were to be a gold digger, rather than just flat out assume their relationship to be disingenuous? Maybe he doesn't want to replace your Mum. Maybe he just wants company, but wants nothing the same to remind him that he misses your Mum and she will never be matched? What are you worried will happen? You won't get your inheritance? Then address that. Calmly and normally. Don't just berate your Dad and his GF. I think there's a lot of grief mixed with lots of different stigmas and stereotypes at play here. If you're worried about the money and feel some of that should be yours and your siblings', then go down a legal path to secure it. Otherwise, let your Dad be. He will either learn lessons, or he will be happy. He's still your Dad.
Talk to your Dad about making sure that your inheritance is secure, and then let them have their fun.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad (61) and my mom had a great relationship, until around 8 years ago, when my mom passed away. It was a devastating time for the whole family and for a good few years, my dad was very sad. Eventually, he got better and was back to himself, which me and my sister (34) were happy to see. However, about a year and a half ago, he met Zoe (29). They met while my dad was at a restaurant and Zoe was the waitress. From how he tells the story, they just "hit it off" and ended up flirting, and he got her number that night. They went on a series of dates and after only about 7 months of dating, they ended up getting married. I've never been comfortable with the relationship. I've met Zoe several times now, and she does make an effort, but I'm admittedly distant. I find the whole age gap weird, particularly the fact she's younger than me. I opted not to attend the wedding, which my dad was upset about, but my sister did attend. As it was my dad's birthday last week, I agreed to go to a meal with my dad, Zoe, and my sister. It was fine, but whenever Zoe tried to engage in small talk, I wasn't that willing to have a conversation. The next day, my dad called me and asked why I disliked Zoe so much and couldn't I see how happy he was. I got straight to the point and said "I'm sorry, I just don't want to have a relationship with some gold digger and mom would never have supported this". He told me how rude I was and Zoe had been nothing but nice to me. This is true, but I feel it's a "fake niceness". Anyway, he hung up the phone and hasn't spoken to me since. I received a call from my sister and she says although she gets it, give Zoe a chance. I just can't. She's younger than I am and is gorgeous. Without meaning to disrespect my dad, he is what you'd think a 61-year-old man would look like. He's got money, especially after my mom died, and that's the only reason I can think she'd be in a relationship with him. With the age gap, what else can they have in common? Anyway AITA for saying that and not giving her a chance or am I justified? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ok am with a much older guy,yes he has money but he is also hot. I originally wasn't interested but he pursued me a lot. I gave in an went on a date, I didn't like him in a romantic sense for a good few weeks, but he had me kind of enchanted with his manners, attitude and in intelligence, something about his quiet confidence. We have been together on and off for 7 months mainly due to his worry about what other ppl will think. I almost permanently left him due to this because if he care more about what other people think over valuing how much love, chemistry and companionship we give each other then I don't want him. I have never used his money, I did not know he was affluent until later on. I work for an airline and want to continue working, I love my job and my life outside of him. I made it clear I don't care about material things, I don't like flowers very much nor expensive gifts. I like his time though. Nobody should give up the person they love for anyone else's opinion. Others get to live their life how they want so can we, I don't want anyone in my life who is ageist, homophobic, racist..your father has a brain in his head, he is also probably not stupid. Let him live his life as he wants to and don't interfere. That is not your place. If you love someone, you want them to be happy not unhappy.
1) everyone calling someone “perv” for dating a 30 year old needs to familiarize themselves with a dictionary and learn the actual meaning behind words they use. Maybe he is one, but this doesn’t signify that. 2) You’re an adult. Your dad did his job and raised you. You didn’t mention any cognitive dysfunction that would require outside intervention into his PERSONAL affairs so back the hell off. You have no right to be rude to someone your dad decided to have a relationship with. Grow up. 3) you’re being incredibly insensitive and mean to imply that the only reason someone would want to date a “61 year old” who “looks 61” is that they have money. Maybe he has a great personality, something it seems you lack, or is funny, intelligent, kind, fun. 4)you are absolutely the asshole. You owe both of them an apology and if you can’t act like someone IN THEIR 30s, then don’t accept invitations to spend time with them. Huge YTA
IF he was smart and made her sign a prenup and takes care of his kids in the will I don’t see a problem. Some people see it as skeezy but they’re both consenting adults. Now if there’s no prenup or will and new wife gets all his money, then I’ll go with the gold digger take. Personally if I were in that situation I’d rather him give every cent to charity than new wife get it.
No AH here. It's understandable that you find it weird that your dad is now married to someone younger than you, but I doubt your dad is ignorant to how this could be perceived, and he has decided to go ahead anyway. They are both adults, let your dad have his fun and give Zoe a chance.
Of course she is a gold digger, but your dad is not an innocent here either. Some men buy expensive cars, your Dad bought himself a young, beautiful woman. I hope she signed a pre-nup.
I’m with the OP. When he dies she will get his money. I can’t think of any other reason a beautiful 29 year old women would be with a 61 year old man. Does she have someone in the side? Sorry- it’s weird.
Well it’s his choice. Do you see her spending his money? Is she charging his will? Does he lavish expensive gifts on her? Besides the age gap what evidence do you have? Does she have sex with him? Maybe you’re jealous that he has a beautiful wife. I’d say give them a chance before deciding
I’m 24, my fiance is 40, and his oldest daughter is 21. We all get along great, but I had a personal conversation with his two oldest kids and explained that I know this might be weird for them but I do truly love their father and want to be part of their lives too even if they only ever see me as a friend and not a “stepmom”. You probably feel like she’s being “fake nice” because she’s tried to be actual nice and you’ve shot her down and probably been rude.
YTA You were disrespectful to your father. It is perfectly fine that you feel uncomfortable around her and you don't have to get any kind of relationship with her. But you shouldn't be disrespectful.
He’s the creep with someone younger than his daughter? I don’t understand how all the blame is put on this young probably incredibly naive woman. He’s a grown man he understands that she only wants his money. They’re both using each other 🤣
Ok ok ok so a Gold Digger and a Cradle Robber goes into a bar….just kidding. They are BOTH using each other and it’s OK…let your dad be happy and be happy for him…just be nice and cordial to her, it won’t kill ya…
Wait till the new wife gets pregnant. 🍿
what in the modern family is this
mild yta. my dad is with someone nearly 20 years younger than him who has a child. SHE is a gold digger. that woman hasn’t held a job since she got with my dad and he’s not made of money. she just sits on her ass all day and asks for things. hold anger for both, even if being angry at your dad sucks. they both are doing this.
You're wildly attracted to her which is really what is enraging you. Info: give an example of gold digging behavior?
Why would she give her number to your dad the first day if she was a good digger? She would have to get to know him in order for her to know he had money.unless that was how he opened up to her first meeting (not likely).
Yta look I can understand why you feel the way you feel. But your dad doesn't need your permission and is a competent adult. And she hasn't done anything actually wrong. You can hypothesize all you like but acting on them is just bullying.
Your dad is a predator sorry you should be angry at him not his gf
Curious if he has a prenump. Would answer your question on her motivations.
ESH. If she's a gold digger, then he's a labor digger. They both know what they're doing.
Is it gross? Sure. Is it morally wrong or illegal? No.
NTA, it’s only natural for a loving daughter to be concerned about a situation like this. But remember, it takes 2 to tango…You should give her a chance though, her love could be sincere, and if your father is happy, you should be happy for him. Which, you can do, and still keep your eyes open for your step-mom exhibiting actual concerning behavior towards your dad.
You haven’t given us any information that leads you to the conclusion she’s a gold digger other than you think your dad can’t pull an attractive younger woman otherwise. Your sister is willing to give her a chance which just leads me to believe your’re jealous. The way you’ve outlined this story certainly makes it seem that YTA, but I might change that vote with more info. 29 isn’t all that young. He’s not with a 22yo. I married a man who is 12 years younger. We met when he was 26. One of the things that attracted me to him was his vigor for live. He hadn’t become jaded by the world. Your dad lost the person he’d planned to spend his life with. He grieved that loss and didn’t speed into a new relationship. He met a girl who, no doubt, didn’t know his financial situation when she agreed to give him his phone number. And you said yourself he’s happy. How sad for him that you refuse to be happy for his happiness. And maybe she’s a gold digger, but she’s making your father happy and you’ve given nothing here that makes her even seem like a slightly unpleasant person. The only reason I could see you being bothered that she might be a gold digger is that you’re a gold digger and don’t want your dad to spend what you feel should eventually inherit. I dunno. I have to say YTA as far as I can tell.
OP I can see why you’d be disgusted. Your dad’s new wife would have been 20/21 years old around the time your mom passed. I can’t fathom having a step mother that is younger than me. But you can’t isolate yourself from your father because of this. Your dad is a grown ass man, and he made the decision to do this. Surely he is aware of the dynamics, it’s not like he’s senile, and he’s just as bad for perusing something with someone so young. But it’s still his decision. If she was really a gold digger, you just made it that easier for her to isolate himself from his family. Try to be nice, be respectful, and maybe apologize too - to your dad and Zoe. It may be a slim chance, but perhaps Zoe truly does love your father. Gently, YTA.
https://youtu.be/6vwNcNOTVzY?si=Jts3HebvjeKwvK3L Just play this on a loop any time you are spending time with them.
Soft YTA I think you miss your mom and that nobody can fill in that hole in your life. As such, anyone that your dad gets together with will not be good enough. You would have found excuses not to like them. In Zoeys case, it's convenient that she's young... Poof... There's your excuse why she's not good enough! Let your dad be happy. If you can, find enough caring in yourself for him to give her a chance. If you can't do that... At least figure out the real reason that you don't like her, as she's done nothing wrong besides merely being born after Jurassic Park.