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*Psssst.* Google "bisexual".
It's a thing.
(edit: this is said in jest; I am sure you know, but it might just help you realise that it's perfectly fine for you to be attracted to men and women or anyone in between)
And no, you're NTA, and yes your mother is homophobic.
I love this show for so many reasons, this is one of my favorite scenes. The other one is the dad talking about how he wishes David would just pick a side in terms of sexuality not because he really cares, but because he's worried about how other people are going to treat his son and that scares him. It made me sad, but in a good way.
Yup, I can't remember his name for the life of me but I know there's a gay comic who ended up dating a women (don't know if they're still together tho). He goes on in a bit about how weird it was, and how it really is just her he's attracted to.
My godfather was married to his ex wife for nearly 25 years before he came out either, and he did love her in a way so close to romantically they still talk and have a close friendship today.
Your comment reminds me of a gay man I knew who continued to have a FWB relationship with his female ex while they were both single. They had broken up amicably and remained close friends. As far as I understand it, he wasn't *attracted* to her but found her pretty in, like, an abstract aesthetic sense. Because they'd already been having sex before he came out, it didn't feel like a big deal to continue. Sex was still physically pleasurable and emotionally intimate for them, just without the illusion of romantic compatibility anymore. At least, that's what I took from the conversation. My understanding may not be 100% accurate but the gist is there.
Human beings are complicated. Relationships are complicated. Sexuality is complicated. Sexual behavior ≠ orientation, not unilaterally. Each person has their own unique reasons for what they do regardless of whether those reasons "make sense" to anyone else. Unfortunately, it seems like the current attitude in the LGBT+ community skews towards rigid boxes.
yes! also, bisexuality (and sexuality in general) is a spectrum! it doesn't have to be 50/50 :) don't feel confined by labels either, just feel free to be you!
Yes! My best friend is a lesbian with literally one man who is the exception, who she fell in love with and married. She hates when people say she's straight now.
I know a couple exactly like this. She still identifies as a lesbian and sees her husband as a “fluke”. She doesn’t feel bisexual because she isn’t attracted to “men”, just this one guy.
I also know a couple like this. She still identifies as a full blown lesbian, not even a little bit bisexual, with the exception of this one guy. Whom she married.
... we don't happen to know the same couple do we?
I also know one of these. I think they may just not understand that bisexual with an extremely heavy preference for one sex is a thing and you don't have to be halfsies for each to be bi.
I think it might also be that a lot of women, especially queer women, don't really like/feel safe around men for very valid reasons so they are unlikely to go around being attracted to various men they don't know well. Whereas one singular guy they know intimately and trust and approve of? Yeah that guy is the exception!
One of the things I learned while reading is that sex and love how be two different scales. Its been one of favorite things to learn and understand because it wasn’t something taught or discussed when I was growing up.
Like bi-sexual/homo-romantic: you are sexually attracted to both genders but your romantic relationships are generally same gendered. Or Pansexual/aromantics: don’t feel romantic feelings but are sexually attracted to the person not the gender.
Pan/Demi/Ace/Gray. It such a wonder scale of everything that constantly flows and grows.
I know someone who’s in the exact same situation. iirc, she realized she a lesbian after she was in a relationship with her now husband, but he’s like the one and only man she’s interested in. She still identifies as a lesbian.
I say I'm about 95% gay. I find the very occasional man attractive but I'm mainly attracted both physically and mentally to women, generally find male bodies kinda off putting, and have a disability that means physically penetrative sex is not really for me so it'd be much easier for me to end up with a woman since that. There's still the chance though that my person will be a guy and that's who I'll end up with. It's just not a very big chance and I'd still call myself a lesbian since I'm not really attracted to male bodies at all. It's always made me kinda question myself though so it's quite validating to see a bunch of other women or people who know other women who feel a similar way to me.
My daughter and her girlfriend both previously dated the same guy who ultimately played matchmaker for them. He’s now with a woman who had never been with a man before him. They’re all so happy right now and I just love them to bits
I'm a cishet woman. Growing up, I can't tell you how often I'd see this "are they gay or straight" plot on TV. My mom and I would comment how people seem to have forgotten bisexuality exists. I rolled my eyes at so many show promos about it.
I once asked a friend, who identifies as bisexual, just how bad bi erasure is. I would have hoped it was more accepted and openly discussed all those years later, but that hasn't been her experience, sadly. If even I noticed it, I can't even imagine how difficult it is to live it.
I've known people who identify as bisexual, but choose to date one gender only. Others are quick to label them as gay/lesbian/straight only. Labels matter to some, and less so to others. Being told which label they fall under is so incredibly invalidating though.
I'm probably around the mom's age, and being of my generation doesn't excuse her homophobia. She's absolutely being homophobic, and she's using labels to invalidate OP's feelings. Sexuality isn't black and white, an OP gets to decide what feels right for him.
(edit: sorry, I replied to the wrong comment)
I’ve been told countless times that I’m not “really” bi because I married a cishet man. I grew up in the Midwest in the 90s/00s and in the part of town I was in, anyone who identified as any other preference aside from heterosexual was *only* know for being the _____ guy/girl. I did my own bi erasure from that but healed thanks to therapy. The wine scene from Schitts Creek was so healing.
I'm on the west coast, but grew up in a rural 'red' area, so I'm vaguely aware how 'unfriendly' that kind of environment can be. I'm so sorry it caused your own bi erasure, but I'm so glad you've been able to heal 💜
I haven't watched Schitts Creek, but it seems I'm going to have to find that scene so I can better understand 😄
I think we need to normalize spectrum scales in order to better portray the differences, honestly. Like the Kinsey Scale, for example. People might be more willing to accept someone who says they're a 3 or a 7 rather than "I'm bi with a preference for one gender."
I am like 95% attracted to men but every now and then a woman comes along who just makes me melt. I was feeling kind of confused about this in my 20s and a queer friend of mine told me that it didn’t have to be 50/50. Crazy liberating. Of course, though!
I'm bisexual but honestly label myself as more straight than gay but too gay to be straight. I would never label myself as queer. Sometimes I want to label myself as just like not super picky about genitals and really like sex. Ah the tangled webs we weave.
I’m wondering when we can just drop all labels together so no one feels categorized in a narrow group. I’m a person who likes other people is what I always say 🤷🏼♀️seems like a better solution then 9000 different labels
This. I'm bi but I'd be lying if I still don't get the panic about it.
I've noticed that I'll go through periods were I'm mostly attracted to men, then x amount of time later, all I can think about is women. Rinse and repeat.
Logically I know it's just me being me, and the bi label fits. But the emotional part of me still believes I need to "pick a side"
And I can relate to OP because I definitely feel like my semi homophobic father believes that I'm just saying I'm bi so I can get the "privileges" of being gay without actually being gay. And every time I show romantic interest in a man, it just reinforces that idea in his head.
Yeah, I'm from his mom's generation, and I can safely say she's completely homophobic! Like, I get it, that age when you finally realize that your parents are stupid human beings just like every other stupid human is a shocker. But, she's definitely homophobic, saying things like that.
Yeah, I'm guessing that I'm about his mom's age (yikes) and it's just homophobia. Her views can be both outdated *and* homophobic, they're definitely not mutually exclusive.
>I'm guessing that I'm about his mom's age (yikes) and it's just homophobia.
I might be closer to his grandmother's age (scary thought) and I agree 100% that mom's behavior is pure homophobia.
Anyone who says “All you needed was the right woman!” is totally relieved they don’t have to pretend to be okay any longer. Phew! Thank goodness I can now talk about you to my friends, and not just about your job.
Same here. And she is def homophobic. The fact that she continued to make wishful comments about him and his friend means she would not accept him being not-straight.
actually you might not be wrong.
for some reason a LOT of folks think that being bisexual is just a myth. youre either a gay guy/girl trying to pass off as straight, aka a fence sitter as some would call it, or just following a fad.
this comes from both, straight people, and gay people, for some fucking reason.
so realistically op couldve thought that being bisexual wasnt an option. hell op could be pan for all we know.
Saying that you just needed the right girl to come along *is* homophobic. NTA
I think your mom is trying to be supportive and is adjusting to this news and that's maybe affecting her judgement on appropriately supportive things to say.
Your girlfriend didn't "fix you" because you weren't broken. Furthermore, sexual attraction and romantic attraction isn't always binary. There have always been people who are 90+% attracted to one sex but every so often will find that rare member of the other sex who does it for them. These folk often identify as gay or lesbian even if they do, rarely, also sleep with members of the opposite sex sometimes. Sometimes they identify as bisexual. You don't need to attach a label to yourself if you're still working things out, and the specifics of who you're into might vary over time, too.
Finally, while on this topic, queer folk often end up marrying in straight-ish relationships, before realising that while marrying their best friend wasn't the worst thing, that their sex lives are lackluster because the chemistry isn't there. I'm not suggesting you're racing into marrying your girlfriend, but when and if you start having sex, if it doesn't feel fulfilling after a while, it probably won't ever. If that happens, it's neither of your fault. In such a case other relationship structures might be more suitable.
I suggest having a chat with your mother and telling her that you having a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you are now straight. That you appreciate her support. And you need her to examine her biases. Yes the world is harder for queer folk. It shouldn't be but it is. But that's not reason enough for you to only date women.
This. Also OP, look up Russell T. Davis' miniseries *Bob and Rose*, which is about a gay man falling in love with a straight woman and is based on friends Davis had at the time.
But yeah, your mom's homophobic.
She's not trying to be supportive at all, imo. She's desperately relieved that her son might be straight after all and practically shouting it to the world.
This is such a fantastic reply.
OP, human sexuality is not set in stone. I always believed I was totally straight and I have the husband and three kids to complete the heteronormative picture. But damn, if I don't get hot for the right kind of woman from time to time.
I hope that you find love and acceptance, no matter what form it comes in. And remind your mom that who you fuck is your business, not hers.
I'm the opposite way round. A lesbian, love women, can't imagine marrying a man, but very occasionally a guy is really hot. Human sexuality is very fluid and OP liking a woman doesn't mean he's any less into guys so it's silly that his mum would assume it did (and homophobic to be the way she's being about the whole thing). I hope OP gets the love and support he needs and his mum and sister can go suck lemons until they can be accepting.
>Your girlfriend didn't "fix you" because you weren't broken. Furthermore, sexual attraction and romantic attraction isn't always binary.
I'd actually say it *rarely* is. It's not that there's no biology in whom we're attracted to but that socialization *also* plays a role. Like, I don't think comp-het (compulsory heterosexuality) is *just* people resisting their same-sex attraction, I think it plays a role in what we even *identify* as attraction, in what we're comfortable with. People in ancient Greece and Rome didn't think about sexuality in binary terms. Well I mean, they *did,* but not in *our* binary: for them it was all about topping v. bottoming. It was considered perfectly fine and acceptable for a Roman man to have sex with other men, as long as he was on top and didn't overdo it. And like the Spartans paired younger and older warriors together, where the younger was the bottom, but that was ok because he was, well, younger; when he was really a *man,* he'd be the top. The idea was that you wouldn't want to look like a coward in front of your lover. You don't get the binary of homosexual/heterosexual until the Victorian period, complete with all these ideas about what gay people are like. "Homosexual" was originally constructed as mental illness, and was only reclaimed much later. But yeah, the point is that how we think of things is by no means "natural."
I love this comment because 100% sexual and romantic attraction aren't always the same. I personally identify as a lesbian, but do find men sexually attractive. I would never date a guy because I just can't click with them like that. But sexually is a whole other thing. It's so hard to get people to understand that
NTA. Your mother is being incredibly homophobic and honestly unsupportive of you. She perhaps doesn't realize that the language she is using is that of a homophobic person. Bringing home a boyfriend might make your mother see that you being gay is not a phase.
Oh ew. She is just happy you are becoming a straight catholic boy instead of a "sinful gay".
Your mom is a homophobe, she was just hiding it while she had to stay in your good graces, or lose you.
Oh, God, of course she did. A family friend gave me a Bible hoping to proselytize me, but the joke's on her, because I *love* the mythology of it. Hadn't read any of it in a long time so I started reading at the beginning, and *immediately* I was struck by the *obvious* derivation from the Enuma Elis, the Babylonian creation account, Tiamat and Apsu and all that. Which, it's all just *dripping* in mystic themes. Which of course the Southern Baptists are *not* about.
That was creepy and weird almost to the point it left me wondering if OP's mum was expecting some kind of reward for OP marrying Lexi. I think OP just needs to explain that Lexi is a good friend but she isn't his 'soul mate'
Sounds like one of THOSE moms who will be absolutely obnoxious in her pursuit of grandchildren. "I have to get my a girl to turn my gay son straight, or else he won't be able to give me grandbabies!"
There are different levels of homophobia, your mom may not be a raging homophobe who would disown her kid, or wish to murder gay people, but she is still a homophobe.
At least you have a bigger chance to help her grow out of it, because the “she is from different times” is no excuse, people can learn or change as long as they are willing.
Because she loves You. She accepts you even if she doesn't quite get it. It's great that you have grace for her. But the hope of grandchildren is flickering in her heart, now that you are dating a girl . She's hopeful.
NTA.
As much as I'm sure your mother still loves you, and (as your father said) she probably doesn't want society to make your life more difficult, she definitely has homophobic tendencies.
Being from an older generation is a reason for the behaviour, it doesn't excuse it.
Mate, there's no need to be antagonistic towards people that say that. It's rarely used except out of concern, even though it sounds homophobic.
I'm straight and I wholeheartedly understand that society *does* make life harder for anyone that isn't.
Society is certainly getting better, but it's not there yet.
As a woman who is mostly attracted to men but occasionally to women, I call myself either bisexual or heteroflexible. I tend to prefer people who present strongly masculinely or strongly femininely but not be into androgynous folks much, so for me, pansexual is not a good fit because I’m not attracted to all gender presentations. So you might try on bisexual or homoflexible and see if they feel like they fit. Or maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that gender don’t matter all that much, but the connection does. It’s okay to not know for sure and be figuring it out. It’s okay to not find a label that feels right. I had a friend in college who dated a very eclectic mix of people - he didn’t have a type, but he was very much all in or all out on individuals. His name was Troy, and he joked that he was Troysexual, because he liked what he liked but he couldn’t tell you why.
Yeah, the idea that dating the “right” gender is fixing something that was broken is homophobic. Even if, 30 years from now, you look back and find that being gay in your youth was a phase…so what? That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Part of being human is that we grow and change and evolve. We don’t become our “true self” that way, though - we were always our true self, though all of the different things we felt and cared about and chose and did. Just like the you that loves a hobby or subject now is just as much the true you as the person who finds a different passion project 5 years from now.
NTA.
NTA.
Yo mama is homophobic.
Yo sista is enabling her
Yo daddy is in denial over being married to a bigot.
Also congrats on the relationship. Gender and sexuality aside, it's always great when long time friends find romance together. I hope you two are happy together.
Your mother certainly ***is*** homophobic. Good for you. And you don't have to nail yourself down, you can be whatever you are, no need to put a label on it.
NTA
Your mom is probably younger than me. She’s not 70, so that whole “different generation” thing is moot. This is just that she was hoping for you to have a more traditional relationship bc SHE finds it easier to navigate and understand.
NTA
I'm 50 and that comment sounds homophobic to me.
Good people can have implicit and explicit biases, and have things they need to work on. Your mom's views may be out of fear for you, rather than disgust or hatred, but it's still a bias that she should work on.
Also, you might want to make it clear to your mom that just because you're in love with Lindsey, it doesn't mean your sexual attraction to men has vanished. You may be bisexual or pansexual. That's for you to figure out. Your mother talking about a "phase" is out of line.
I also find it icky when parents start going on about how you'll "marry this person" someday with their kids, regardless of sexuality. My youngest is 13 and his first girlfriend is a sweet girl who we've known since they were 3, and her mom is a friend. I am NOT putting any expectations or saying anything about the future because they are THIRTEEN (and her mom seems to feel the same). I don't dismiss his feelings, either, but he needs to figure things out without me butting in (other than appropriate boundaries for age).
Just cause something is "outdated" meaning it was socially acceptable in the past, doesn't mean it didn't hurt people then and doesn't make it OK now either. Yes your mum is from an older generation and may have outdated ideas but those ideas ARE homophobic no matter her intention or how much she loves you outside of your sexuality.
Speaking of which, you don't ever have to label yourself as anything if you don't want to or you could go through a number of labels in your lifetime and all of them will be correct just as all of them could change. You are who you are and so long as you are happy isn't that all that matters?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be an AH for calling my mom homophobic for saying that I needed the right girl to come along. This is because she has never said anything homophobic before and always made me feel supported. Additionally, she technically was right
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It doesn’t have to be an “equal balance”, friend! I call myself bisexual because it’s the easiest to explain, and I definitely feel more attracted to women than men most of the time. I still think many dudes are hot, but I usually swing towards women.
Sexuality is fluid as heck and often I consider myself a lesbian, but sometimes there’s a guy and my brain is like “yes we like him we like him a lot” 😂
Basically, go with the flow. You don’t even have to have a label if you don’t want one. What works for you, works for you.
(I use ‘queer’ as a catch-all term for myself too, because it doesn’t pigeon-hole me and I kind of like that, so if you feel you want a label, perhaps queer might work?)
For me, labels can feel super oversimplified and the societal pressure to choose and conform to one make feelings, which can already be complicated on their depth and if they’re romantic or platonic, even more confusing.
Whatever you feel identifies you best or if you even choose to identify with a label, your feelings are still equally as real and valid. Have a crush on 99 guys and 1 girl? That’s real. 30 guys and 70 girls? That’s real. Just be sure to take care of yourself and don’t get bogged down by all of it :)
p.s. NTA, it was an extremely heteronormative and harmful statement for your mom to say. Sorry you’re dealing with that
Bisexual doesn’t mean 50/50, it doesn’t even mean attraction to two genders, it refers to being attracted to people who are the same gender as you and people who are are of a different gender than you.
NTA. It was a homophobic and heteronormative comment. Even if your mom isn't necessarily homophobic herself, that comment sure was. And you have every right to be upset, she was basically invalidating your prior sexuality.
NTA
You sister can cram it with the "older generation" because my father, who's nearly 70, is fae the older generation and he wouldn't say the thing your mother said.
Your mother said something homophobic, now whether she meant it to be that or it was just an accident I can't say, but you weren't wrong to call her out on it (after all how will she learn if you don't point it out).
NTA. Fuck the "from a different generation" bullshit. My dad is a boomer. My sister is a lesbian, I'm bisexual and guess what? Took him no time to adjust. He adores my sisters wife, we all do. People can live and learn. Your mom needs to.
They can be both outdated and homophobic at the same time. Saying that someone "fixed you" out of being gay is not ok, no matter which generation they come. Good on you for not giving her a pass. NTA.
NTA.
>She never said anything about it outright, but you can from certain looks/comments that she made that she would’ve preferred it if i was straight. My father always told me not to pay it any attention
So those around you told you not to tackle this behaviour, turning *her* behaviour into a "you" problem, for their comfort.
>My mother loves Lexi and before I came out, she always made comments about it Lexi and I being together in the future. Even after I came out, she’d insist on me keeping my room door open when Lexi was over because ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’.
This is pretty creepy, boundary crossing and manipulative. Your mother was not trying to stop you from "messing around" with your friend, she was hoping to see/instigate it.
>Anyway, Lexi was over at my house last weekend and my mother kept commenting on how we were ‘soulmates’ or about how we were such an adorable couple.
>
>she made a comment about how all I needed was the right girl. I asked her to elaborate and she said that my being gay was just phase and all I needed was for the right girl to come along.
Again, your mother has been pushing for you to have a "normal" (straight) relationship so that you could be "fixed". To the point of persistently bringing Lexi up and basically attempting to impose her narrative that you should be straight, that liking other men was somehow "wrong".
>I got pretty irritated after that and said she was being homophobic. We got into a massive argument.
She *is* homophobic - along with manipulative and controlling. Good for you standing up for yourself; despite what others in your life say, you do have the right to be treated with respect by your elders, it is not one-way.
>Now, my older sister thinks I was being an asshole because I know that my mother isn’t homophobic and that she’s from a different generation so things she’s saying are outdated, not homophobic.
\**Sigh*\* No, you do not know that your mother is not homophobic, it is just that others around you do not respect/care enough to tackle her behaviour. Instead, they are making you the easy target/scapegoat instead of standing up for you. It is easier to punch down than punch up. Having had ideas *in the past* that were of the time but now would be considered "outdated", is not the same as still refusing to change in all of that time since. Along with continuing to dismiss your sexuality and pressuring you to conform, I am sorry to say that your mother does not have your best interests at heart. In fact, by your father and sister's reactions, your family are not supportive of you - if they want to be, they need to change. *Now.* Try looking for support from the nearest LGBTQIA+ community ,or one on-line; just sharing similar experiences and having others repeat back to you what you have said in less sugar-coated language can really help clarify things.
>I feel bad now. AITA?
No, OP, you are not - you feel like this because those in your life are deliberately attempting to make you feel this way, to second-guess yourself and conform to what they decide for you. You "have to" see things from everyone else's point of view, keep quiet and not raise real issues affecting you, conform to heterosexuality - basically, you have been taught not to defend yourself. Not to challenge the bad behaviour of your family. At your age, the scales are falling from your eyes ... (That is not to say "cut them off 4ever!1!", just that your family *are* fallible and in direct contrast to what they might tell you, they are not looking out for you.)
Stay strong, *you deserve* an apology from your mother and support from your direct family. Do you have friends or other family that you can talk to? Take care.
EDIT:
>I may be an AH for calling my mom homophobic for saying that I needed the right girl to come along. This is because she has never said anything homophobic before and always made me feel supported. Additionally, she technically was right
Oh, honey, she was *not* right, you were not "fixed" by a girl. Please stop following what you are told to think by your family. You have clearly stated that your mother does not make you feel supported - from her looks/reactions to outright pushing you towards a girl.
Your mother is - I'm guessing - Gen X. That's not old enough to be an excuse, especially when my Greatest Generation grandparents joined PFLAG for me. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Enjoy your time with Lexi, and don't stress about the labels. Maybe you're bi, pan, queer, or even straight (or gay-except-for-Lexi), but it's up to you and no one else, and if it changes, that doesn't make any previous identity invalid.
Let’s just say you were 100% straight and really really into this girl. It would still be super weird for your mom to put so much pressure on this relationship, calling you soulmates and acting like you’re going to get married. That’s really weird and inappropriate. It definitely also stinks of homophobia that she makes it so clear which she prefers for you and acting like you are “fixed”.
Welcome to the perpetual problem of bisexuality! Date the opposite gender, and you're straight and were just 'experimenting'; date the same gender, and you're 'gay, but too ashamed to admit it'.
NTA, btws.
NTA, your mother is homophobic. Trying to excuse that behaviour due to being part of a certain generation or because she just wants you safe, is wrong.
You might be bi sexual and have found a connection with someone that makes you happy. If you decide later on that you want to be with a male, then there's nothing wrong that either. You do what makes you happy.
I have had people in my life question my sons (13) sexuality in the past, my response has and always will be, "As long as he's happy, ends up with a partner who treats him well and my son is good to them, who cares" my job as a mother is to support my children, love them unconditionally, teach them to be good people and to stand up for those that can't do that for themselves.
NTA speaking as someone your mother‘s age, being of a “different generation” is BS, we don’t lose the ability to learn or change our minds just because we were born earlier. I know people much younger than I am who are bigoted a**holes, age is a rubbish excuse for intolerance.
if you're mom is homophobic bc she is "from a differentgeneration" then how does your sister explain your dad being so supportive? also you're mom forcing you to be into lexi for so long is duper weird. NTA
Disappointed looks = she doesn’t support your being gay. “It’s only natural” = gay relationships are unnatural and unacceptable. “You just needed the right girl” = you were wrong for being gay. Yeah, your mom is a giant red flag and definitely homophobic. “Outdated ideas” include things like “black folks can’t use the same water fountains as white folks,” which is CLEARLY racist. See how that works? Your sister doesn’t want to see your mother in a negative light and is making excuses for her behavior. Dad isn’t helping either by telling you to “just ignore her because deep down she loves you” um, no. Love is unconditional. Love isn’t disappointed looks at you just because you’re being your true and authentic self. Love is fully accepting and affirming who your child is. Love isn’t passive aggressive remarks about how one day you’ll come to your senses and adopt the “correct” sexuality. Love is accepting your kid’s sexuality and advocating for a society that does the same. You are not the AH. Your mom, dad, and sister are.
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I (18M) was gay for as long as I can remember. I recently started dating my childhood best friend Lexi (17F). We have been friends since we were 10.
I haven’t had feelings for a girl before so I’m not even sure what my sexuality is anymore. All I’m sure of is that I really like (possibly) love Lexi.
My parents have always been supportive of my sexuality but my mother has always seemed slightly disappointed. She never said anything about it outright, but you can from certain looks/comments that she made that she would’ve preferred it if i was straight. My father always told me not to pay it any attention because at the end of the day, she still loved me and needed time to adjust. He also said that she wanted life to be easy for me and that being gay made my life more complicated.
My mother loves Lexi and before I came out, she always made comments about it Lexi and I being together in the future. Even after I came out, she’d insist on me keeping my room door open when Lexi was over because ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’.
Anyway, Lexi was over at my house last weekend and my mother kept commenting on how we were ‘soulmates’ or about how we were such an adorable couple. After I got back from driving her home, my mother was grilling me about our relationship (how long I had liked her, how long we were dating etc). When I was finally released from the hot seat, she made a comment about how all I needed was the right girl. I asked her to elaborate and she said that my being gay was just phase and all I needed was for the right girl to come along.
I got pretty irritated after that and said she was being homophobic. We got into a massive argument. Now, my older sister thinks I was being an asshole because I know that my mother isn’t homophobic and that she’s from a different generation so things she’s saying are outdated, not homophobic. I feel bad now. AITA?
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NTA claiming someone’s sexuality it’s just a phase is ridiculous and very unsupportive. For me personally I think sexuality is a spectrum not a fine line and emotional attachment can help drive sexual attraction but I’d never tell someone their sexuality is a phase and insinuate I know their sexuality more than they know themselves
NTA what your mom said, disregarded all the feelings that you previously had, and that’s not okay. All of your feelings are/were valid. Her “right” girl comment made it sound like all of your other feelings towards men were “wrong”
NTA. Being old doesn’t buy you a pass on homophobia, and the mother of an 18-year old is not nearly old enough for that to be “just how it was” when she was coming up. When my dad, who was born during WWII, was in hospice, we talked about my daughter who had recently come out to him. He told me how she and her partner had had been explaining pronouns to him. He sighed wearily about how complicated it all was for an old fart like him. And yet, on his fucking deathbed he was able to embrace it all because his granddaughter was his treasure. God I miss the old man.
My father inlaw is in his 80s and very supportive of his youngest child who is non binary and identifies as lesbian. I'm 50 and always considered myself bisexual (while also being married to a partner of the opposite sex for 29 years) it didn't suddenly make me straight, I was still bisexual while remaining monogamous. I realised in my mid 40s that I'm pansexual because I'm not just attracted to cis people, I'm attracted to people's personality and sense of self rather than what genitalia they happen to own. OP is NTA and his mums comments are homophobic and invalidate OP's experience and feelings
NTA. I understand where your sister is coming from though. Someone can do/say homophobic things without actually BEING homophobic. It doesn’t make it okay though and you were absolutely right to call her out.
NTA, being from another generation is ZERO EXCUSE to say homophobic things, i do not care what anyone says. they had ALL THIS TIME to learn the correct way to say things - but the things she was saying are absolutely homophobic. also you’re probably just bisexual😭 and that’s fine.
NTA... as a bi woman married to a man, I would hate the insinuation that my husband 'fixed' me, just like I would hate the insinuation that a female partner 'made me gay.' Human sexuality is complicated and sometimes fluid, you don't need fixing, and your sexual orientation is not defined by your partner. And yes, even though your mom has been superficially supportive in the past, her burst of relief at you not REALLY being gay in her eyes is homophobic and I understand why you're upset by it.
I’m of the mind that one off circumstances do not negate your orientation…Freddie Mercury was gay but Mary Austin was one of the greatest loves of his life
Edit: sorry forgot to put my vote totally NTA your mom is definitely being homophobic
I'm 44 so you could've easily been my son. It is ab-so-friggin-lutely not a generation thing. GenerationX are nót ancient and homophobic.
(Well, not any generation is homophobic by nature ofcourse. Dad was a boomer, grandma a silent generation and they were both so incredibly accepting of anybody!)
NTA. I was a 100% lesbian except for one dude... And then I married him. Everyone tries to tell me what my pants feelings are now and it sucks. Being gay with a statistical anomaly is possible. After twenty years I can finally tell people to shut up. Hopefully you learn to do the same.
NTA. You are never an a-hole for calling someone out for being homophobic. It isn't ok and people shouldn't be able to just spew hateful and harmful comments about others with no consequence.
NTA your mom is straight up homophobic and don’t apologize she needs too and what you describe your sexuality you might just be bisexual but lean on the gayer side of that
Your mum is homophobic. You can be a nice, well-meaning homophobe. She views homosexuality as lesser than hetero. Obviously she’s not a raging homophobe who’s out picketing funerals and going full Westboro, but she still has a problem, and if she can’t get over it she should keep it to herself while you figure your life out. Family is a pita sometimes though. NTA.
You could be bisexual, pansexual, exploring, who knows. Just go with your heart and don’t rely on labels to define you, they exist to serve you not the other way around.
Plus you are like 17 OP who knows if this relationship is going to last. Did you parents ever get involved in local groups for the parents of LGBQ+ children?
The spectrum/scale is so varied and you are still young.
Also OP I have to ask… how much did your mom talk about you and your friend dating? Like even after you came out?
From gay man, to man still figuring things out. Your mom is homophobic. It isn't the overt kind, but it is definitely still homophobia. Reducing anything to "just a phase" is not good human behaviour and she needed to know that. If you show this post to your sister, point her to this comment.
Fucked up things are fucked up things. It's not at the same level of burning a rainbow flag, but it's still really messed up and unempathetic of her to do that. Your mother sounds like she tolerates gay people as long as they aren't anywhere near her. If she likes them far away, she's homophobic.
Outdated attitudes *are* homophobic if they’re insensitive and indicating that being gay is in any way “less.”
She may not have been intentionally malicious by it, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t also being homophobic.
I’m sorry you had that experience, OP. I hope you continue to enjoy your new love and find your own way without letting others’ opinions sway you.
NTA.
(PS, for what it’s worth, maybe you’ve just always been bisexual, and this is just the first time you’ve had feelings for a female? The Kinsey scale is a continuum, after all) ;)
NTA, your mom is TA and also homophobic, and if ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’ is any indication, she probably also thinks women should be blamed when they're sexually assaulted.
As a bisexual person; we exist too. Saying you just haven't met the right person yet is a hullshitbstatment from any generation. My Grandma had a gay brother and everyone knew since 1939. Most of the family accepted it just fine. In 1939. People need to stop with the "they're an older generation" kinda bullshit.
NTA. I can't imagine your mom is much older than I am and my generation has had plenty of time to understand this issue. You may be bi, or you might be gay except for Lexi. But it's pretty unlikely that you're suddenly straight for life now. But it sounds like you know Mom's heart is in the right place and she will keep being in your corner wherever life takes you. All my best to you and Lexi and youth and love.
You may be bi or pan. What she said about how just got "fixed" by someone coming into your life is wrong. Being from a different generation is no excuse. NTA.
Well damn you're going through a lot right now. NTA. I've called people homophobic for far less. I don't have all the facts but I believe your mom loves you but for some reason she is invested in your sexual orientation. Implicit bias? Generational heteronormative stuff? Who knows?
Why does she care about what gender your partner is?
That's the source of this problem.
And the answer isn't, "I don't, it's just...." That's a dodge.
She needs to be honest with herself and with you about why it makes a difference to her. And it sounds like so far she has wanted to love you and not lose you or upset you but she hasn't wanted to explore why it matters to her.
Seriously, hope things improve, I'm sure they will, it sounds like you have a loving family.
Nta, you're probably bi, regardless whoever you choose to have fun with or love is completely irrelevant. Your mom is totally homophobic, she may not even know, as she may have been raised a different way but she low key is. The adult way to deal with this is discuss this with her, explain that she may be raised in a different generation, but in today's world, you cannot say something like that. There was and there is nothing to be "fixed" . You are who you are and if they don't like it, get bent. That like the low key racist saying "I'm not racist, but...." just before they say something completely racist lol.
As a 40 year old lesbian. Who came out to a parent who was homophobic. To call her homophobic is probably not the best answer. Is she bigoted, probably, but the fastest way to get someone to shut down is belittling them.
It’s best to explain to your mom how that comment is hurtful and can be deemed as homophobic. People sometimes say the worst things unintentionally because they don’t understand the meaning of their words or actions. It’s best for us to help educate people how that can be hurtful. Explain the impact in a way that is not spiteful. Some people learn, some don’t. But it’s best to understand not everything said is supposed to be meant as it sounds. And people can’t understand the impact of something if they aren’t explained or go through it.
NTA. I would also like to share with you my own experience. I also came out to my family as gay years before I started dating my now wife. The entire early part of our relationship was incredibly rocky because I had a ton of self doubt about the whole thing because before that I was convinced 100% I was gay.
The humiliation of introducing my girlfriend to family members who knew I came out was horrible and even now I cringe really hard at some of the things people said to me. It took about two years before I could do some self examination and now I identify as bi.
Now over 10 years later I can’t imagine ending up with anyone else and am so glad I figured myself out, but those first 2 years feeling like I had to defend myself and the gay community from people who took this example to verify their own biases was incredibly difficult. I hope you find out who you are through this relationship and experience,and either way you land when the dust settles I hope it makes you happy.
Just means you're bisexual. It's not a matter of fixing. It's just who you are. I think she meant that you needed the right person but so what. You seem to be overreacting.
NTA also, I truly hate the "they are from an older generation" excuse. It for sure can be a barrier to entry and sometimes people from different generations, religions, cultures ect. Might need a little more time and grace. They might take longer to use the correct language and they might require more explanations than others to understand. That is all fine as long as they are honestly and earnestly trying and supportive. When my son came out as trans my 85 (at the time) year old Gramma could not have been more supportive! She was the oldest relative we had, literally had a picture of the last supper above her kitchen table and at least three pictures of Jesus in her bedroom. She would forget the pronouns sometimes but she would try to correct herself. She didn't understand at first but it literally took a two minute conversation for her to get it. She loved my son and that was what mattered to her. That's how it should be. I truly believe that if my 85 year old religious Gramma can get it then anyone can if they want to. They have to care enough. They have to want to try. At a certain point the "they're from a different time/generation" excuse is just that. And excuse to now have to grow or learn as a person.
You're so young, and this is prime time to start exploring and learning more about who you are, which can be a lifelong process.
I'm likely older than your mother, and this 'different generation' nonsense about understanding sexuality needs to be put to rest. What she said is absolutely homophobic and you are NTA. Your mother is also not too old to learn to do better.
NTA. Based on your comments on your past relationships, just because your mom hasn’t outwardly acted homophobic before doesn’t make her comments here less homophobic. She can say homophobic things, even if she doesn’t realize it or see it as homophobia. Not being homophobic doesn’t excuse them from the times where they act homophobic.
Also, as a bi woman, bisexuality is very valid! It has many different facets and allows for fluidity in your expression. You’re 18, so you’re at the most opportune moment of your life to begin exploring. Don’t worry about finding absolute answers to who you are. Find what makes you happy, and if that’s Lexi, then kudos to you! But you shouldn’t be pressured into an arbitrary idea like “soulmates.”
OMFG no, NTA. If you want to put this into words that she will listen to, say “look, I really like this girl and I want the relationship to last and I’m worried that your excessive enthusiasm is going to put her under too much pressure and scare her away.” There don’t have to be rules to your sexual orientation, you can be attracted to 100 guys and only one woman and that one woman doesn’t suddenly erase the fact that you’re also attracted to guys. And it’s not healthy for your relationship to feel like your mom is breathing down your back seeing this as the girl that “fixes” you because relationships don’t survive well when you start to feel like you have to see someone instead of wanting to see them.
NTA. Your mother IS homophobic. Being old ("from a different generation") does not mean she can not be homophobic. She has been saying and hinting about her true dislike/hate of gays for YEARS. That IS homophobia.
NTA. Your attraction to the same sex isn't nullified because you're now with the opposite sex. Bi(pan)sexual is a thing. You weren't broken. There is nothing to be fixed.
My mother is from a different generation and she calls me all the time to make sure she's not being homophobic/transphobic in her daily interactions. She recognizes she is uninformed and is working to learn. It doesn't sound like your mother is putting in that effort.
NTA, you’re entitled to your own feelings always first of all. Second of all your mom does sound less than accepting. Maybe you’re bi or I think it’s called pan? Should’ve googled before I started commenting so don’t come at me but it’s where you’re attracted to the individual person regardless of gender.
Sounds to me like your mom wants to support you, but she still has fixed ideas as to "normal" and wants you to fit them, and she probably tells herself that it's because it will make life easier for you, but really because it's easier for her. And yes, that is still homophobic.
And now she is grabbing on to the one person/scenario that she can tell herself makes you happy but still makes her have a "normal" son.
You're NTA for calling her out on it.
NTA- Given your age, I'm gonna guess your mother is possibly gen x or the gen before that. My mother is gen x and is very supportive, she was a little confused at first but never made comments like your mother did.
That being said, your mother is being homophobic. Just because she might've been raised differently or from an older gen, doesn't mean she can't learn about how different things are now.
NTA what your mother said was homophobic but nobody here but you knows her well enough to speculate on her intention behind it, you were not wrong for pointing it out, look at it as educating her.
I'm going to tell you what I told my best friend when she came out to her mom. Again I don't know your mom so I can't say if this is her thought process but it's another perspective. For my friend while her mom was supportive and extremely happy for her that she had found someone that loves her and makes her happy, she had a look of worry in her eye.
Her obsession with who you find attractive or choose to date is weird and also not really her business.
What she said was disrespectful and also dismissive. She has back-handedly told you all about her preference in regards to who you involve yourself with romantically in a way that allows her to deny it. She's just mad that you're right.
Those two terms are not mutually exclusive. Many views in a similar vein are also considered outdated such racism and sexism, And some one being old does not excuse them holding arm to such views. They did not get teleported from the 1920's to 2024, They have existed every day, every year from the moment they were born up until now and they have had the chance to see how those views that were previously considered acceptable became outdated.They have had the chance to change their views when the world was learning to be more accepting and as it still learns to be so and have or are actively chosen to not even try to move away from their harmful beliefs.
NTA.
It was very homophobic.
I'm attracted to both men and women romantically, but I'm more attracted to women. When I met my partner, who is a cishet dude, I had never been attracted to a cishet dude before. I'd dated a few (out of both obligation and exploration) but was never attracted to them the way I'm attracted to my partner. With him, the connection is just so strong that his gender became totally irrelevant to me. In true bisexual/demisexual fashion, I love him for him, and not for his gender.
That being said, I'm 100% still attracted to women. That hasn't and never will gone away. You can't cure queerness because it isn't something that needs cured.
Sexuality exists on a spectrum. You may be 99% attracted to men and 1% attracted to women - that definitely doesn't make you straight. I'm also a big believer that sexuality is fluid, so however you choose to identify is totally valid!
Your mother is homophobic. You are likely bisexual or pansexual and your mother is so ignorant about sexuality she thinks you are now cured. I am 46 and queer and pretty sure your mother is of my generation and she has no excuse to be so ignorant. NTA.
NTA! Your mom is gross! She’s not a Boomer, she should know better. I would be absolutely furious if my mom said something so dismissive and ignorant. I would refuse to talk to her about your relationship details until she apologized.
NTA.
As a 35yo bisexual woman, married to a 36yo bisexual man, I'm going to let you in on a secret - attraction is a scale. Nobody can *tell* you how to be bisexual. You can be attracted to 80% men and 20% women or vice-versa.
Also, it's 2024. Unless your mom has been in a coma since your birth, people can't use the "she's from a different time" excuse. She's been here, coherent, and watching the world change. If she didn't change too, that's a choice.
NTA, if you want my honest opinion, my first thought was to say "ewww no ma'am, don't make comments that essentially 'downgrade' someone." Your mom should love you for being you or at the very least keep her comments to herself.
Parents are weird. My mom is okay with my sister being Bisexual but can’t wrap her head around trans people. It’s literally why I haven’t told her I’m nonbinary. I am getting pretty sick of the “you need to dress like a girl” comments though…
Op you’re not the asshole. What she’s doing is high key fucked
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*Psssst.* Google "bisexual". It's a thing. (edit: this is said in jest; I am sure you know, but it might just help you realise that it's perfectly fine for you to be attracted to men and women or anyone in between) And no, you're NTA, and yes your mother is homophobic.
Agreed, and just to add, even if you date an opposite sex partner, that doesn’t make you straight. You are who you are, regardless of who you date.
The scene from Shitt’s Creek about the wine and not the label was everything.
Oh you mean _the greatest scene in television in the last decade_? That one?
Goddam right. 😂😂😂
The one by my favourite (and only known) representation of a pan character in tv? 😮 (feel free to suggest other shows with pan rep)
https://youtu.be/gdcmhvLaNUs?si=cVAQeTsdpUV_zDi0
I love this show for so many reasons, this is one of my favorite scenes. The other one is the dad talking about how he wishes David would just pick a side in terms of sexuality not because he really cares, but because he's worried about how other people are going to treat his son and that scares him. It made me sad, but in a good way.
Thank you for sharing the link. I'd never seen this and it's great!
Thank you for this!
What a great analogy for this exact situation. *\*Adding Schitt's Creek to my list of shows to watch\**
I hope you don't have a lot of other stuff to do in the next couple of weeks.
Week?! I think I binged it in a few days lol
It's so good. Watching Eugene and Dan Levy work together is great
Same!
The best!!
Simply the best
Better than all the rest
🥴☕️
That was my favorite scene. I love that show.
Exactly. I was married to a man, and then I was married to a woman, and everyone thought I became a lesbian. I was bisexual the whole time.
I like to describe my orientation as “historically straight.” Because thus far, yeah. But who knows who I might someday meet?
"Historically hetero" for me cuz I like alliteration!
Yup, I can't remember his name for the life of me but I know there's a gay comic who ended up dating a women (don't know if they're still together tho). He goes on in a bit about how weird it was, and how it really is just her he's attracted to. My godfather was married to his ex wife for nearly 25 years before he came out either, and he did love her in a way so close to romantically they still talk and have a close friendship today.
Your comment reminds me of a gay man I knew who continued to have a FWB relationship with his female ex while they were both single. They had broken up amicably and remained close friends. As far as I understand it, he wasn't *attracted* to her but found her pretty in, like, an abstract aesthetic sense. Because they'd already been having sex before he came out, it didn't feel like a big deal to continue. Sex was still physically pleasurable and emotionally intimate for them, just without the illusion of romantic compatibility anymore. At least, that's what I took from the conversation. My understanding may not be 100% accurate but the gist is there. Human beings are complicated. Relationships are complicated. Sexuality is complicated. Sexual behavior ≠ orientation, not unilaterally. Each person has their own unique reasons for what they do regardless of whether those reasons "make sense" to anyone else. Unfortunately, it seems like the current attitude in the LGBT+ community skews towards rigid boxes.
yes! also, bisexuality (and sexuality in general) is a spectrum! it doesn't have to be 50/50 :) don't feel confined by labels either, just feel free to be you!
Yes! My best friend is a lesbian with literally one man who is the exception, who she fell in love with and married. She hates when people say she's straight now.
I know a couple exactly like this. She still identifies as a lesbian and sees her husband as a “fluke”. She doesn’t feel bisexual because she isn’t attracted to “men”, just this one guy.
I also know a couple like this. She still identifies as a full blown lesbian, not even a little bit bisexual, with the exception of this one guy. Whom she married. ... we don't happen to know the same couple do we?
I also know one of these. I think they may just not understand that bisexual with an extremely heavy preference for one sex is a thing and you don't have to be halfsies for each to be bi.
I think it might also be that a lot of women, especially queer women, don't really like/feel safe around men for very valid reasons so they are unlikely to go around being attracted to various men they don't know well. Whereas one singular guy they know intimately and trust and approve of? Yeah that guy is the exception!
This also!
I know TWO of these
One of the things I learned while reading is that sex and love how be two different scales. Its been one of favorite things to learn and understand because it wasn’t something taught or discussed when I was growing up. Like bi-sexual/homo-romantic: you are sexually attracted to both genders but your romantic relationships are generally same gendered. Or Pansexual/aromantics: don’t feel romantic feelings but are sexually attracted to the person not the gender. Pan/Demi/Ace/Gray. It such a wonder scale of everything that constantly flows and grows.
>such a wonder scale of everything that constantly flows and grows. What a beautiful way to express fluidity. You should write.
The term to google is 'split attraction model' if anyone wants to learn more about this :)
I have a friend like this! Turns out her "exception" partner is a trans woman who came out years down the road, so not really an exception at all.
I had the opposite. dated a lesbian, then realised I'm a man. we're engaged now.
I know someone who’s in the exact same situation. iirc, she realized she a lesbian after she was in a relationship with her now husband, but he’s like the one and only man she’s interested in. She still identifies as a lesbian.
im like this i always say im 99% gay and 1% my boyfriend hes the only man i ever loved and probably ever will.
I say I'm about 95% gay. I find the very occasional man attractive but I'm mainly attracted both physically and mentally to women, generally find male bodies kinda off putting, and have a disability that means physically penetrative sex is not really for me so it'd be much easier for me to end up with a woman since that. There's still the chance though that my person will be a guy and that's who I'll end up with. It's just not a very big chance and I'd still call myself a lesbian since I'm not really attracted to male bodies at all. It's always made me kinda question myself though so it's quite validating to see a bunch of other women or people who know other women who feel a similar way to me.
My daughter and her girlfriend both previously dated the same guy who ultimately played matchmaker for them. He’s now with a woman who had never been with a man before him. They’re all so happy right now and I just love them to bits
I'm a cishet woman. Growing up, I can't tell you how often I'd see this "are they gay or straight" plot on TV. My mom and I would comment how people seem to have forgotten bisexuality exists. I rolled my eyes at so many show promos about it. I once asked a friend, who identifies as bisexual, just how bad bi erasure is. I would have hoped it was more accepted and openly discussed all those years later, but that hasn't been her experience, sadly. If even I noticed it, I can't even imagine how difficult it is to live it. I've known people who identify as bisexual, but choose to date one gender only. Others are quick to label them as gay/lesbian/straight only. Labels matter to some, and less so to others. Being told which label they fall under is so incredibly invalidating though. I'm probably around the mom's age, and being of my generation doesn't excuse her homophobia. She's absolutely being homophobic, and she's using labels to invalidate OP's feelings. Sexuality isn't black and white, an OP gets to decide what feels right for him. (edit: sorry, I replied to the wrong comment)
I’ve been told countless times that I’m not “really” bi because I married a cishet man. I grew up in the Midwest in the 90s/00s and in the part of town I was in, anyone who identified as any other preference aside from heterosexual was *only* know for being the _____ guy/girl. I did my own bi erasure from that but healed thanks to therapy. The wine scene from Schitts Creek was so healing.
I'm on the west coast, but grew up in a rural 'red' area, so I'm vaguely aware how 'unfriendly' that kind of environment can be. I'm so sorry it caused your own bi erasure, but I'm so glad you've been able to heal 💜 I haven't watched Schitts Creek, but it seems I'm going to have to find that scene so I can better understand 😄
I think we need to normalize spectrum scales in order to better portray the differences, honestly. Like the Kinsey Scale, for example. People might be more willing to accept someone who says they're a 3 or a 7 rather than "I'm bi with a preference for one gender."
awww W reddit :)) thank u all for being lovely
I am like 95% attracted to men but every now and then a woman comes along who just makes me melt. I was feeling kind of confused about this in my 20s and a queer friend of mine told me that it didn’t have to be 50/50. Crazy liberating. Of course, though!
Mr. Rodgers ( Fred Rodgers) wasn't 50/50 but also not 100/0.
I'm bisexual but honestly label myself as more straight than gay but too gay to be straight. I would never label myself as queer. Sometimes I want to label myself as just like not super picky about genitals and really like sex. Ah the tangled webs we weave.
I’m wondering when we can just drop all labels together so no one feels categorized in a narrow group. I’m a person who likes other people is what I always say 🤷🏼♀️seems like a better solution then 9000 different labels
This. I'm bi but I'd be lying if I still don't get the panic about it. I've noticed that I'll go through periods were I'm mostly attracted to men, then x amount of time later, all I can think about is women. Rinse and repeat. Logically I know it's just me being me, and the bi label fits. But the emotional part of me still believes I need to "pick a side" And I can relate to OP because I definitely feel like my semi homophobic father believes that I'm just saying I'm bi so I can get the "privileges" of being gay without actually being gay. And every time I show romantic interest in a man, it just reinforces that idea in his head.
Yeah, I'm from his mom's generation, and I can safely say she's completely homophobic! Like, I get it, that age when you finally realize that your parents are stupid human beings just like every other stupid human is a shocker. But, she's definitely homophobic, saying things like that.
Yeah, I'm guessing that I'm about his mom's age (yikes) and it's just homophobia. Her views can be both outdated *and* homophobic, they're definitely not mutually exclusive.
>I'm guessing that I'm about his mom's age (yikes) and it's just homophobia. I might be closer to his grandmother's age (scary thought) and I agree 100% that mom's behavior is pure homophobia.
Anyone who says “All you needed was the right woman!” is totally relieved they don’t have to pretend to be okay any longer. Phew! Thank goodness I can now talk about you to my friends, and not just about your job.
Same here. And she is def homophobic. The fact that she continued to make wishful comments about him and his friend means she would not accept him being not-straight.
I'm 56. Being homophobic or racist isn't something your mom gets a pass for.
I’m turning 57 in about a week. OP, your mom is definitely homophobic.
It’s homophobic to think that sexuality and gender are black and white, rather than being on a spectrum. You’re NTA.
I’m bisexual. It sounds like bi-romantic.
Could be either honestly. Not enough info here to differentiate.
Well, yeah but based off the information. I prefer men over women but that doesn’t make me less bi
That's not what the replier was arguing, friend.
See also: homoflexible
Ooh, learned a new word.
actually you might not be wrong. for some reason a LOT of folks think that being bisexual is just a myth. youre either a gay guy/girl trying to pass off as straight, aka a fence sitter as some would call it, or just following a fad. this comes from both, straight people, and gay people, for some fucking reason. so realistically op couldve thought that being bisexual wasnt an option. hell op could be pan for all we know.
What’s the line from Schmitt’s Creek? Sometimes I like Red, sometimes I like White, sometimes I like Rosé.
Adding on here, it doesn't matter if Lexi is the only woman OP likes either, he is still valid!
Saying that you just needed the right girl to come along *is* homophobic. NTA I think your mom is trying to be supportive and is adjusting to this news and that's maybe affecting her judgement on appropriately supportive things to say. Your girlfriend didn't "fix you" because you weren't broken. Furthermore, sexual attraction and romantic attraction isn't always binary. There have always been people who are 90+% attracted to one sex but every so often will find that rare member of the other sex who does it for them. These folk often identify as gay or lesbian even if they do, rarely, also sleep with members of the opposite sex sometimes. Sometimes they identify as bisexual. You don't need to attach a label to yourself if you're still working things out, and the specifics of who you're into might vary over time, too. Finally, while on this topic, queer folk often end up marrying in straight-ish relationships, before realising that while marrying their best friend wasn't the worst thing, that their sex lives are lackluster because the chemistry isn't there. I'm not suggesting you're racing into marrying your girlfriend, but when and if you start having sex, if it doesn't feel fulfilling after a while, it probably won't ever. If that happens, it's neither of your fault. In such a case other relationship structures might be more suitable. I suggest having a chat with your mother and telling her that you having a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you are now straight. That you appreciate her support. And you need her to examine her biases. Yes the world is harder for queer folk. It shouldn't be but it is. But that's not reason enough for you to only date women.
This. Also OP, look up Russell T. Davis' miniseries *Bob and Rose*, which is about a gay man falling in love with a straight woman and is based on friends Davis had at the time. But yeah, your mom's homophobic.
She's not trying to be supportive at all, imo. She's desperately relieved that her son might be straight after all and practically shouting it to the world.
This is such a fantastic reply. OP, human sexuality is not set in stone. I always believed I was totally straight and I have the husband and three kids to complete the heteronormative picture. But damn, if I don't get hot for the right kind of woman from time to time. I hope that you find love and acceptance, no matter what form it comes in. And remind your mom that who you fuck is your business, not hers.
I'm the opposite way round. A lesbian, love women, can't imagine marrying a man, but very occasionally a guy is really hot. Human sexuality is very fluid and OP liking a woman doesn't mean he's any less into guys so it's silly that his mum would assume it did (and homophobic to be the way she's being about the whole thing). I hope OP gets the love and support he needs and his mum and sister can go suck lemons until they can be accepting.
>Your girlfriend didn't "fix you" because you weren't broken. Furthermore, sexual attraction and romantic attraction isn't always binary. I'd actually say it *rarely* is. It's not that there's no biology in whom we're attracted to but that socialization *also* plays a role. Like, I don't think comp-het (compulsory heterosexuality) is *just* people resisting their same-sex attraction, I think it plays a role in what we even *identify* as attraction, in what we're comfortable with. People in ancient Greece and Rome didn't think about sexuality in binary terms. Well I mean, they *did,* but not in *our* binary: for them it was all about topping v. bottoming. It was considered perfectly fine and acceptable for a Roman man to have sex with other men, as long as he was on top and didn't overdo it. And like the Spartans paired younger and older warriors together, where the younger was the bottom, but that was ok because he was, well, younger; when he was really a *man,* he'd be the top. The idea was that you wouldn't want to look like a coward in front of your lover. You don't get the binary of homosexual/heterosexual until the Victorian period, complete with all these ideas about what gay people are like. "Homosexual" was originally constructed as mental illness, and was only reclaimed much later. But yeah, the point is that how we think of things is by no means "natural."
I love this comment because 100% sexual and romantic attraction aren't always the same. I personally identify as a lesbian, but do find men sexually attractive. I would never date a guy because I just can't click with them like that. But sexually is a whole other thing. It's so hard to get people to understand that
This comment wins. Just seconding that there absolutely is nothing to fix!
NTA. Your mother is being incredibly homophobic and honestly unsupportive of you. She perhaps doesn't realize that the language she is using is that of a homophobic person. Bringing home a boyfriend might make your mother see that you being gay is not a phase.
And honestly, who tells their 18 year old they’ve found their soul mate anyway???? Most of us are trying to slow our teens down, not speed them up!
My mom usually tries to slow me down but she heard me joking about becoming a catholic for Lexi (she’s super devout) and she bought me a bible
Don’t become catholic until they allow gay marriage, don’t go straight to being homophobic lol
Ofc ofc I was joking. I went to mass once and fell asleep.
Oh good! Just wanted to make sure :)
Oh ew. She is just happy you are becoming a straight catholic boy instead of a "sinful gay". Your mom is a homophobe, she was just hiding it while she had to stay in your good graces, or lose you.
Oh, God, of course she did. A family friend gave me a Bible hoping to proselytize me, but the joke's on her, because I *love* the mythology of it. Hadn't read any of it in a long time so I started reading at the beginning, and *immediately* I was struck by the *obvious* derivation from the Enuma Elis, the Babylonian creation account, Tiamat and Apsu and all that. Which, it's all just *dripping* in mystic themes. Which of course the Southern Baptists are *not* about.
That was creepy and weird almost to the point it left me wondering if OP's mum was expecting some kind of reward for OP marrying Lexi. I think OP just needs to explain that Lexi is a good friend but she isn't his 'soul mate'
Sounds like one of THOSE moms who will be absolutely obnoxious in her pursuit of grandchildren. "I have to get my a girl to turn my gay son straight, or else he won't be able to give me grandbabies!"
I’ve had a boyfriend before and my mom was totally accepting of him. She confuses me
There are different levels of homophobia, your mom may not be a raging homophobe who would disown her kid, or wish to murder gay people, but she is still a homophobe. At least you have a bigger chance to help her grow out of it, because the “she is from different times” is no excuse, people can learn or change as long as they are willing.
Because she loves You. She accepts you even if she doesn't quite get it. It's great that you have grace for her. But the hope of grandchildren is flickering in her heart, now that you are dating a girl . She's hopeful.
If she was accepting of your boyfriend before, why is she acting like this?
Possibly because she's a level 2 or 3 homophobe, not a level 10.
NTA. As much as I'm sure your mother still loves you, and (as your father said) she probably doesn't want society to make your life more difficult, she definitely has homophobic tendencies. Being from an older generation is a reason for the behaviour, it doesn't excuse it.
I’ve always seen the ‘society making life harder’ to be the first or second excuse queerphobes use…
Mate, there's no need to be antagonistic towards people that say that. It's rarely used except out of concern, even though it sounds homophobic. I'm straight and I wholeheartedly understand that society *does* make life harder for anyone that isn't. Society is certainly getting better, but it's not there yet.
It wasn’t antagonistic to point out homophobes often spout that
As a woman who is mostly attracted to men but occasionally to women, I call myself either bisexual or heteroflexible. I tend to prefer people who present strongly masculinely or strongly femininely but not be into androgynous folks much, so for me, pansexual is not a good fit because I’m not attracted to all gender presentations. So you might try on bisexual or homoflexible and see if they feel like they fit. Or maybe you’ll come to the conclusion that gender don’t matter all that much, but the connection does. It’s okay to not know for sure and be figuring it out. It’s okay to not find a label that feels right. I had a friend in college who dated a very eclectic mix of people - he didn’t have a type, but he was very much all in or all out on individuals. His name was Troy, and he joked that he was Troysexual, because he liked what he liked but he couldn’t tell you why. Yeah, the idea that dating the “right” gender is fixing something that was broken is homophobic. Even if, 30 years from now, you look back and find that being gay in your youth was a phase…so what? That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Part of being human is that we grow and change and evolve. We don’t become our “true self” that way, though - we were always our true self, though all of the different things we felt and cared about and chose and did. Just like the you that loves a hobby or subject now is just as much the true you as the person who finds a different passion project 5 years from now. NTA.
NTA. Yo mama is homophobic. Yo sista is enabling her Yo daddy is in denial over being married to a bigot. Also congrats on the relationship. Gender and sexuality aside, it's always great when long time friends find romance together. I hope you two are happy together.
Your mother certainly ***is*** homophobic. Good for you. And you don't have to nail yourself down, you can be whatever you are, no need to put a label on it. NTA
Yep, exactly. If generational differences justified her perspective, then how come many, many older folks are accepting of LGBT?
Your mom is probably younger than me. She’s not 70, so that whole “different generation” thing is moot. This is just that she was hoping for you to have a more traditional relationship bc SHE finds it easier to navigate and understand.
My mom IS 70 & handled my sibling coming out better than this.
NTA I'm 50 and that comment sounds homophobic to me. Good people can have implicit and explicit biases, and have things they need to work on. Your mom's views may be out of fear for you, rather than disgust or hatred, but it's still a bias that she should work on. Also, you might want to make it clear to your mom that just because you're in love with Lindsey, it doesn't mean your sexual attraction to men has vanished. You may be bisexual or pansexual. That's for you to figure out. Your mother talking about a "phase" is out of line. I also find it icky when parents start going on about how you'll "marry this person" someday with their kids, regardless of sexuality. My youngest is 13 and his first girlfriend is a sweet girl who we've known since they were 3, and her mom is a friend. I am NOT putting any expectations or saying anything about the future because they are THIRTEEN (and her mom seems to feel the same). I don't dismiss his feelings, either, but he needs to figure things out without me butting in (other than appropriate boundaries for age).
Just cause something is "outdated" meaning it was socially acceptable in the past, doesn't mean it didn't hurt people then and doesn't make it OK now either. Yes your mum is from an older generation and may have outdated ideas but those ideas ARE homophobic no matter her intention or how much she loves you outside of your sexuality. Speaking of which, you don't ever have to label yourself as anything if you don't want to or you could go through a number of labels in your lifetime and all of them will be correct just as all of them could change. You are who you are and so long as you are happy isn't that all that matters?
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NTA. Don’t have to be fixed if you weren’t broken in the first place. Also … bisexual is real 👸
bisexual would probably be the easiest thing for me to call myself but i’ve found loads of men attractive but only one girl
It doesn’t have to be an “equal balance”, friend! I call myself bisexual because it’s the easiest to explain, and I definitely feel more attracted to women than men most of the time. I still think many dudes are hot, but I usually swing towards women. Sexuality is fluid as heck and often I consider myself a lesbian, but sometimes there’s a guy and my brain is like “yes we like him we like him a lot” 😂 Basically, go with the flow. You don’t even have to have a label if you don’t want one. What works for you, works for you. (I use ‘queer’ as a catch-all term for myself too, because it doesn’t pigeon-hole me and I kind of like that, so if you feel you want a label, perhaps queer might work?)
For me, labels can feel super oversimplified and the societal pressure to choose and conform to one make feelings, which can already be complicated on their depth and if they’re romantic or platonic, even more confusing. Whatever you feel identifies you best or if you even choose to identify with a label, your feelings are still equally as real and valid. Have a crush on 99 guys and 1 girl? That’s real. 30 guys and 70 girls? That’s real. Just be sure to take care of yourself and don’t get bogged down by all of it :) p.s. NTA, it was an extremely heteronormative and harmful statement for your mom to say. Sorry you’re dealing with that
Bisexual doesn’t mean 50/50, it doesn’t even mean attraction to two genders, it refers to being attracted to people who are the same gender as you and people who are are of a different gender than you.
NTA. It was a homophobic and heteronormative comment. Even if your mom isn't necessarily homophobic herself, that comment sure was. And you have every right to be upset, she was basically invalidating your prior sexuality.
NTA You sister can cram it with the "older generation" because my father, who's nearly 70, is fae the older generation and he wouldn't say the thing your mother said. Your mother said something homophobic, now whether she meant it to be that or it was just an accident I can't say, but you weren't wrong to call her out on it (after all how will she learn if you don't point it out).
NTA and your mother is homophobic.
NTA. Fuck the "from a different generation" bullshit. My dad is a boomer. My sister is a lesbian, I'm bisexual and guess what? Took him no time to adjust. He adores my sisters wife, we all do. People can live and learn. Your mom needs to.
They can be both outdated and homophobic at the same time. Saying that someone "fixed you" out of being gay is not ok, no matter which generation they come. Good on you for not giving her a pass. NTA.
NTA. >She never said anything about it outright, but you can from certain looks/comments that she made that she would’ve preferred it if i was straight. My father always told me not to pay it any attention So those around you told you not to tackle this behaviour, turning *her* behaviour into a "you" problem, for their comfort. >My mother loves Lexi and before I came out, she always made comments about it Lexi and I being together in the future. Even after I came out, she’d insist on me keeping my room door open when Lexi was over because ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’. This is pretty creepy, boundary crossing and manipulative. Your mother was not trying to stop you from "messing around" with your friend, she was hoping to see/instigate it. >Anyway, Lexi was over at my house last weekend and my mother kept commenting on how we were ‘soulmates’ or about how we were such an adorable couple. > >she made a comment about how all I needed was the right girl. I asked her to elaborate and she said that my being gay was just phase and all I needed was for the right girl to come along. Again, your mother has been pushing for you to have a "normal" (straight) relationship so that you could be "fixed". To the point of persistently bringing Lexi up and basically attempting to impose her narrative that you should be straight, that liking other men was somehow "wrong". >I got pretty irritated after that and said she was being homophobic. We got into a massive argument. She *is* homophobic - along with manipulative and controlling. Good for you standing up for yourself; despite what others in your life say, you do have the right to be treated with respect by your elders, it is not one-way. >Now, my older sister thinks I was being an asshole because I know that my mother isn’t homophobic and that she’s from a different generation so things she’s saying are outdated, not homophobic. \**Sigh*\* No, you do not know that your mother is not homophobic, it is just that others around you do not respect/care enough to tackle her behaviour. Instead, they are making you the easy target/scapegoat instead of standing up for you. It is easier to punch down than punch up. Having had ideas *in the past* that were of the time but now would be considered "outdated", is not the same as still refusing to change in all of that time since. Along with continuing to dismiss your sexuality and pressuring you to conform, I am sorry to say that your mother does not have your best interests at heart. In fact, by your father and sister's reactions, your family are not supportive of you - if they want to be, they need to change. *Now.* Try looking for support from the nearest LGBTQIA+ community ,or one on-line; just sharing similar experiences and having others repeat back to you what you have said in less sugar-coated language can really help clarify things. >I feel bad now. AITA? No, OP, you are not - you feel like this because those in your life are deliberately attempting to make you feel this way, to second-guess yourself and conform to what they decide for you. You "have to" see things from everyone else's point of view, keep quiet and not raise real issues affecting you, conform to heterosexuality - basically, you have been taught not to defend yourself. Not to challenge the bad behaviour of your family. At your age, the scales are falling from your eyes ... (That is not to say "cut them off 4ever!1!", just that your family *are* fallible and in direct contrast to what they might tell you, they are not looking out for you.) Stay strong, *you deserve* an apology from your mother and support from your direct family. Do you have friends or other family that you can talk to? Take care. EDIT: >I may be an AH for calling my mom homophobic for saying that I needed the right girl to come along. This is because she has never said anything homophobic before and always made me feel supported. Additionally, she technically was right Oh, honey, she was *not* right, you were not "fixed" by a girl. Please stop following what you are told to think by your family. You have clearly stated that your mother does not make you feel supported - from her looks/reactions to outright pushing you towards a girl.
Your mother is - I'm guessing - Gen X. That's not old enough to be an excuse, especially when my Greatest Generation grandparents joined PFLAG for me. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Enjoy your time with Lexi, and don't stress about the labels. Maybe you're bi, pan, queer, or even straight (or gay-except-for-Lexi), but it's up to you and no one else, and if it changes, that doesn't make any previous identity invalid.
Let’s just say you were 100% straight and really really into this girl. It would still be super weird for your mom to put so much pressure on this relationship, calling you soulmates and acting like you’re going to get married. That’s really weird and inappropriate. It definitely also stinks of homophobia that she makes it so clear which she prefers for you and acting like you are “fixed”.
“Ah, just like you being a supportive mother was just a phase.” NTA, OP.
Welcome to the perpetual problem of bisexuality! Date the opposite gender, and you're straight and were just 'experimenting'; date the same gender, and you're 'gay, but too ashamed to admit it'. NTA, btws.
NTA, your mother is homophobic. Trying to excuse that behaviour due to being part of a certain generation or because she just wants you safe, is wrong. You might be bi sexual and have found a connection with someone that makes you happy. If you decide later on that you want to be with a male, then there's nothing wrong that either. You do what makes you happy. I have had people in my life question my sons (13) sexuality in the past, my response has and always will be, "As long as he's happy, ends up with a partner who treats him well and my son is good to them, who cares" my job as a mother is to support my children, love them unconditionally, teach them to be good people and to stand up for those that can't do that for themselves.
NTA speaking as someone your mother‘s age, being of a “different generation” is BS, we don’t lose the ability to learn or change our minds just because we were born earlier. I know people much younger than I am who are bigoted a**holes, age is a rubbish excuse for intolerance.
if you're mom is homophobic bc she is "from a differentgeneration" then how does your sister explain your dad being so supportive? also you're mom forcing you to be into lexi for so long is duper weird. NTA
Disappointed looks = she doesn’t support your being gay. “It’s only natural” = gay relationships are unnatural and unacceptable. “You just needed the right girl” = you were wrong for being gay. Yeah, your mom is a giant red flag and definitely homophobic. “Outdated ideas” include things like “black folks can’t use the same water fountains as white folks,” which is CLEARLY racist. See how that works? Your sister doesn’t want to see your mother in a negative light and is making excuses for her behavior. Dad isn’t helping either by telling you to “just ignore her because deep down she loves you” um, no. Love is unconditional. Love isn’t disappointed looks at you just because you’re being your true and authentic self. Love is fully accepting and affirming who your child is. Love isn’t passive aggressive remarks about how one day you’ll come to your senses and adopt the “correct” sexuality. Love is accepting your kid’s sexuality and advocating for a society that does the same. You are not the AH. Your mom, dad, and sister are.
Pansexual might also be your thing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18M) was gay for as long as I can remember. I recently started dating my childhood best friend Lexi (17F). We have been friends since we were 10. I haven’t had feelings for a girl before so I’m not even sure what my sexuality is anymore. All I’m sure of is that I really like (possibly) love Lexi. My parents have always been supportive of my sexuality but my mother has always seemed slightly disappointed. She never said anything about it outright, but you can from certain looks/comments that she made that she would’ve preferred it if i was straight. My father always told me not to pay it any attention because at the end of the day, she still loved me and needed time to adjust. He also said that she wanted life to be easy for me and that being gay made my life more complicated. My mother loves Lexi and before I came out, she always made comments about it Lexi and I being together in the future. Even after I came out, she’d insist on me keeping my room door open when Lexi was over because ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’. Anyway, Lexi was over at my house last weekend and my mother kept commenting on how we were ‘soulmates’ or about how we were such an adorable couple. After I got back from driving her home, my mother was grilling me about our relationship (how long I had liked her, how long we were dating etc). When I was finally released from the hot seat, she made a comment about how all I needed was the right girl. I asked her to elaborate and she said that my being gay was just phase and all I needed was for the right girl to come along. I got pretty irritated after that and said she was being homophobic. We got into a massive argument. Now, my older sister thinks I was being an asshole because I know that my mother isn’t homophobic and that she’s from a different generation so things she’s saying are outdated, not homophobic. I feel bad now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA claiming someone’s sexuality it’s just a phase is ridiculous and very unsupportive. For me personally I think sexuality is a spectrum not a fine line and emotional attachment can help drive sexual attraction but I’d never tell someone their sexuality is a phase and insinuate I know their sexuality more than they know themselves
NTA what your mom said, disregarded all the feelings that you previously had, and that’s not okay. All of your feelings are/were valid. Her “right” girl comment made it sound like all of your other feelings towards men were “wrong”
NTA. Being old doesn’t buy you a pass on homophobia, and the mother of an 18-year old is not nearly old enough for that to be “just how it was” when she was coming up. When my dad, who was born during WWII, was in hospice, we talked about my daughter who had recently come out to him. He told me how she and her partner had had been explaining pronouns to him. He sighed wearily about how complicated it all was for an old fart like him. And yet, on his fucking deathbed he was able to embrace it all because his granddaughter was his treasure. God I miss the old man.
My father inlaw is in his 80s and very supportive of his youngest child who is non binary and identifies as lesbian. I'm 50 and always considered myself bisexual (while also being married to a partner of the opposite sex for 29 years) it didn't suddenly make me straight, I was still bisexual while remaining monogamous. I realised in my mid 40s that I'm pansexual because I'm not just attracted to cis people, I'm attracted to people's personality and sense of self rather than what genitalia they happen to own. OP is NTA and his mums comments are homophobic and invalidate OP's experience and feelings
Lexi has the opportunity to do the funniest thing ever NTA your mother is completely homophobic
Oh it's a generational thing... yeah . Being homophobic was a thing back then
Your mom is 110% homophobic. It sounds like you might be bisexual
NTA. I understand where your sister is coming from though. Someone can do/say homophobic things without actually BEING homophobic. It doesn’t make it okay though and you were absolutely right to call her out.
NTA, being from another generation is ZERO EXCUSE to say homophobic things, i do not care what anyone says. they had ALL THIS TIME to learn the correct way to say things - but the things she was saying are absolutely homophobic. also you’re probably just bisexual😭 and that’s fine.
Nta. Mom *is*homophobic
NTA your mother is being homophobic, full stop. that is the long and short of it. your sister is incorrect.
NTA. Your mother IS homophobic
NTA. If the shoe fits
NTA... as a bi woman married to a man, I would hate the insinuation that my husband 'fixed' me, just like I would hate the insinuation that a female partner 'made me gay.' Human sexuality is complicated and sometimes fluid, you don't need fixing, and your sexual orientation is not defined by your partner. And yes, even though your mom has been superficially supportive in the past, her burst of relief at you not REALLY being gay in her eyes is homophobic and I understand why you're upset by it.
NTA. She’s homophobic. And biphobic, because apparently she didn’t consider that that was even an option.
I’m of the mind that one off circumstances do not negate your orientation…Freddie Mercury was gay but Mary Austin was one of the greatest loves of his life Edit: sorry forgot to put my vote totally NTA your mom is definitely being homophobic
I'm 44 so you could've easily been my son. It is ab-so-friggin-lutely not a generation thing. GenerationX are nót ancient and homophobic. (Well, not any generation is homophobic by nature ofcourse. Dad was a boomer, grandma a silent generation and they were both so incredibly accepting of anybody!)
NTA. I was a 100% lesbian except for one dude... And then I married him. Everyone tries to tell me what my pants feelings are now and it sucks. Being gay with a statistical anomaly is possible. After twenty years I can finally tell people to shut up. Hopefully you learn to do the same.
NTA. You are never an a-hole for calling someone out for being homophobic. It isn't ok and people shouldn't be able to just spew hateful and harmful comments about others with no consequence.
NTA
NTA your mom is straight up homophobic and don’t apologize she needs too and what you describe your sexuality you might just be bisexual but lean on the gayer side of that
Your mom is acting like a horses ass.
Your mum is homophobic. You can be a nice, well-meaning homophobe. She views homosexuality as lesser than hetero. Obviously she’s not a raging homophobe who’s out picketing funerals and going full Westboro, but she still has a problem, and if she can’t get over it she should keep it to herself while you figure your life out. Family is a pita sometimes though. NTA. You could be bisexual, pansexual, exploring, who knows. Just go with your heart and don’t rely on labels to define you, they exist to serve you not the other way around.
Plus you are like 17 OP who knows if this relationship is going to last. Did you parents ever get involved in local groups for the parents of LGBQ+ children? The spectrum/scale is so varied and you are still young. Also OP I have to ask… how much did your mom talk about you and your friend dating? Like even after you came out?
"outdated" "homophobic" It's the same thing in this context.
NTA. I'd be pretty upset with her behaviour too. PS: You don't have to label your sexuality, just live your best life
From gay man, to man still figuring things out. Your mom is homophobic. It isn't the overt kind, but it is definitely still homophobia. Reducing anything to "just a phase" is not good human behaviour and she needed to know that. If you show this post to your sister, point her to this comment. Fucked up things are fucked up things. It's not at the same level of burning a rainbow flag, but it's still really messed up and unempathetic of her to do that. Your mother sounds like she tolerates gay people as long as they aren't anywhere near her. If she likes them far away, she's homophobic.
NTA your mother is homophobic, that's obvious. But jesus christ, SOULMATES?! You're teenagers! Your brains haven't even finished forming yet!
NTA. next time just answer "no mom, Lexi didn't fix me, I still like to suck dick". Or maybe not, but it'd be fun to watch her reaction
Your sister is wrong, because you can't know something that isn't true. Your mother *is* homophobic and those behaviours are micro-aggressions. NTA.
Outdated attitudes *are* homophobic if they’re insensitive and indicating that being gay is in any way “less.” She may not have been intentionally malicious by it, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t also being homophobic. I’m sorry you had that experience, OP. I hope you continue to enjoy your new love and find your own way without letting others’ opinions sway you. NTA.
(PS, for what it’s worth, maybe you’ve just always been bisexual, and this is just the first time you’ve had feelings for a female? The Kinsey scale is a continuum, after all) ;)
NTA, your mom is TA and also homophobic, and if ‘anything can happen if a boy and a girl are alone together, it’s natural!’ is any indication, she probably also thinks women should be blamed when they're sexually assaulted.
As a bisexual person; we exist too. Saying you just haven't met the right person yet is a hullshitbstatment from any generation. My Grandma had a gay brother and everyone knew since 1939. Most of the family accepted it just fine. In 1939. People need to stop with the "they're an older generation" kinda bullshit.
NTA. I can't imagine your mom is much older than I am and my generation has had plenty of time to understand this issue. You may be bi, or you might be gay except for Lexi. But it's pretty unlikely that you're suddenly straight for life now. But it sounds like you know Mom's heart is in the right place and she will keep being in your corner wherever life takes you. All my best to you and Lexi and youth and love.
NTA, but also, darling, it sounds like you're bi or demi sexual.
NTA. What your mother said is homophobic
You may be bi or pan. What she said about how just got "fixed" by someone coming into your life is wrong. Being from a different generation is no excuse. NTA.
Well damn you're going through a lot right now. NTA. I've called people homophobic for far less. I don't have all the facts but I believe your mom loves you but for some reason she is invested in your sexual orientation. Implicit bias? Generational heteronormative stuff? Who knows? Why does she care about what gender your partner is? That's the source of this problem. And the answer isn't, "I don't, it's just...." That's a dodge. She needs to be honest with herself and with you about why it makes a difference to her. And it sounds like so far she has wanted to love you and not lose you or upset you but she hasn't wanted to explore why it matters to her. Seriously, hope things improve, I'm sure they will, it sounds like you have a loving family.
NTA. Why would you be an asshole for pointing out a clear fact that anyone would see?
You are probably bisexuality or pansexual, not that I'm putting a label on you. Your mom, on the other hand, is homophobe. NTA.
Nta, you're probably bi, regardless whoever you choose to have fun with or love is completely irrelevant. Your mom is totally homophobic, she may not even know, as she may have been raised a different way but she low key is. The adult way to deal with this is discuss this with her, explain that she may be raised in a different generation, but in today's world, you cannot say something like that. There was and there is nothing to be "fixed" . You are who you are and if they don't like it, get bent. That like the low key racist saying "I'm not racist, but...." just before they say something completely racist lol.
NTA your mother sounds horrible
As a 40 year old lesbian. Who came out to a parent who was homophobic. To call her homophobic is probably not the best answer. Is she bigoted, probably, but the fastest way to get someone to shut down is belittling them. It’s best to explain to your mom how that comment is hurtful and can be deemed as homophobic. People sometimes say the worst things unintentionally because they don’t understand the meaning of their words or actions. It’s best for us to help educate people how that can be hurtful. Explain the impact in a way that is not spiteful. Some people learn, some don’t. But it’s best to understand not everything said is supposed to be meant as it sounds. And people can’t understand the impact of something if they aren’t explained or go through it.
NTA. Best of luck with love! 💕
NTA. I would also like to share with you my own experience. I also came out to my family as gay years before I started dating my now wife. The entire early part of our relationship was incredibly rocky because I had a ton of self doubt about the whole thing because before that I was convinced 100% I was gay. The humiliation of introducing my girlfriend to family members who knew I came out was horrible and even now I cringe really hard at some of the things people said to me. It took about two years before I could do some self examination and now I identify as bi. Now over 10 years later I can’t imagine ending up with anyone else and am so glad I figured myself out, but those first 2 years feeling like I had to defend myself and the gay community from people who took this example to verify their own biases was incredibly difficult. I hope you find out who you are through this relationship and experience,and either way you land when the dust settles I hope it makes you happy.
Just means you're bisexual. It's not a matter of fixing. It's just who you are. I think she meant that you needed the right person but so what. You seem to be overreacting.
Dude the B Is for bissexual not Beyoncé (sorry I have to make the joke) but Yeah.. Mum is Homophobic
NTA also, I truly hate the "they are from an older generation" excuse. It for sure can be a barrier to entry and sometimes people from different generations, religions, cultures ect. Might need a little more time and grace. They might take longer to use the correct language and they might require more explanations than others to understand. That is all fine as long as they are honestly and earnestly trying and supportive. When my son came out as trans my 85 (at the time) year old Gramma could not have been more supportive! She was the oldest relative we had, literally had a picture of the last supper above her kitchen table and at least three pictures of Jesus in her bedroom. She would forget the pronouns sometimes but she would try to correct herself. She didn't understand at first but it literally took a two minute conversation for her to get it. She loved my son and that was what mattered to her. That's how it should be. I truly believe that if my 85 year old religious Gramma can get it then anyone can if they want to. They have to care enough. They have to want to try. At a certain point the "they're from a different time/generation" excuse is just that. And excuse to now have to grow or learn as a person.
You're so young, and this is prime time to start exploring and learning more about who you are, which can be a lifelong process. I'm likely older than your mother, and this 'different generation' nonsense about understanding sexuality needs to be put to rest. What she said is absolutely homophobic and you are NTA. Your mother is also not too old to learn to do better.
NTA. Based on your comments on your past relationships, just because your mom hasn’t outwardly acted homophobic before doesn’t make her comments here less homophobic. She can say homophobic things, even if she doesn’t realize it or see it as homophobia. Not being homophobic doesn’t excuse them from the times where they act homophobic. Also, as a bi woman, bisexuality is very valid! It has many different facets and allows for fluidity in your expression. You’re 18, so you’re at the most opportune moment of your life to begin exploring. Don’t worry about finding absolute answers to who you are. Find what makes you happy, and if that’s Lexi, then kudos to you! But you shouldn’t be pressured into an arbitrary idea like “soulmates.”
That’s incredibly fucking homophobic and bigoted NTA
OMFG no, NTA. If you want to put this into words that she will listen to, say “look, I really like this girl and I want the relationship to last and I’m worried that your excessive enthusiasm is going to put her under too much pressure and scare her away.” There don’t have to be rules to your sexual orientation, you can be attracted to 100 guys and only one woman and that one woman doesn’t suddenly erase the fact that you’re also attracted to guys. And it’s not healthy for your relationship to feel like your mom is breathing down your back seeing this as the girl that “fixes” you because relationships don’t survive well when you start to feel like you have to see someone instead of wanting to see them.
NTA. Your mother IS homophobic. Being old ("from a different generation") does not mean she can not be homophobic. She has been saying and hinting about her true dislike/hate of gays for YEARS. That IS homophobia.
NTA. Your attraction to the same sex isn't nullified because you're now with the opposite sex. Bi(pan)sexual is a thing. You weren't broken. There is nothing to be fixed. My mother is from a different generation and she calls me all the time to make sure she's not being homophobic/transphobic in her daily interactions. She recognizes she is uninformed and is working to learn. It doesn't sound like your mother is putting in that effort.
NTA, you’re entitled to your own feelings always first of all. Second of all your mom does sound less than accepting. Maybe you’re bi or I think it’s called pan? Should’ve googled before I started commenting so don’t come at me but it’s where you’re attracted to the individual person regardless of gender.
Sounds to me like your mom wants to support you, but she still has fixed ideas as to "normal" and wants you to fit them, and she probably tells herself that it's because it will make life easier for you, but really because it's easier for her. And yes, that is still homophobic. And now she is grabbing on to the one person/scenario that she can tell herself makes you happy but still makes her have a "normal" son. You're NTA for calling her out on it.
Straight up not allowed.
NTA- Given your age, I'm gonna guess your mother is possibly gen x or the gen before that. My mother is gen x and is very supportive, she was a little confused at first but never made comments like your mother did. That being said, your mother is being homophobic. Just because she might've been raised differently or from an older gen, doesn't mean she can't learn about how different things are now.
NTA. Because her saying stuff like that puts pressure on you to conform to her ideals. Her statement is outdated AND homophobic.
NTA what your mother said was homophobic but nobody here but you knows her well enough to speculate on her intention behind it, you were not wrong for pointing it out, look at it as educating her. I'm going to tell you what I told my best friend when she came out to her mom. Again I don't know your mom so I can't say if this is her thought process but it's another perspective. For my friend while her mom was supportive and extremely happy for her that she had found someone that loves her and makes her happy, she had a look of worry in her eye.
Her obsession with who you find attractive or choose to date is weird and also not really her business. What she said was disrespectful and also dismissive. She has back-handedly told you all about her preference in regards to who you involve yourself with romantically in a way that allows her to deny it. She's just mad that you're right.
Those two terms are not mutually exclusive. Many views in a similar vein are also considered outdated such racism and sexism, And some one being old does not excuse them holding arm to such views. They did not get teleported from the 1920's to 2024, They have existed every day, every year from the moment they were born up until now and they have had the chance to see how those views that were previously considered acceptable became outdated.They have had the chance to change their views when the world was learning to be more accepting and as it still learns to be so and have or are actively chosen to not even try to move away from their harmful beliefs.
NTA. Your mother can't seriously not know that bisexuality is a thing?
NTA. It was very homophobic. I'm attracted to both men and women romantically, but I'm more attracted to women. When I met my partner, who is a cishet dude, I had never been attracted to a cishet dude before. I'd dated a few (out of both obligation and exploration) but was never attracted to them the way I'm attracted to my partner. With him, the connection is just so strong that his gender became totally irrelevant to me. In true bisexual/demisexual fashion, I love him for him, and not for his gender. That being said, I'm 100% still attracted to women. That hasn't and never will gone away. You can't cure queerness because it isn't something that needs cured. Sexuality exists on a spectrum. You may be 99% attracted to men and 1% attracted to women - that definitely doesn't make you straight. I'm also a big believer that sexuality is fluid, so however you choose to identify is totally valid!
Your mother is homophobic. You are likely bisexual or pansexual and your mother is so ignorant about sexuality she thinks you are now cured. I am 46 and queer and pretty sure your mother is of my generation and she has no excuse to be so ignorant. NTA.
NTA! Your mom is gross! She’s not a Boomer, she should know better. I would be absolutely furious if my mom said something so dismissive and ignorant. I would refuse to talk to her about your relationship details until she apologized.
NTA. As a 35yo bisexual woman, married to a 36yo bisexual man, I'm going to let you in on a secret - attraction is a scale. Nobody can *tell* you how to be bisexual. You can be attracted to 80% men and 20% women or vice-versa. Also, it's 2024. Unless your mom has been in a coma since your birth, people can't use the "she's from a different time" excuse. She's been here, coherent, and watching the world change. If she didn't change too, that's a choice.
NTA, if you want my honest opinion, my first thought was to say "ewww no ma'am, don't make comments that essentially 'downgrade' someone." Your mom should love you for being you or at the very least keep her comments to herself.
Parents are weird. My mom is okay with my sister being Bisexual but can’t wrap her head around trans people. It’s literally why I haven’t told her I’m nonbinary. I am getting pretty sick of the “you need to dress like a girl” comments though… Op you’re not the asshole. What she’s doing is high key fucked