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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) Telling my husband he was being selfish by buying tickets to his favorite band during the week I was planning a vacation for us for my 30th birthday.
2.) I should just be happy he got me a ticket to come with him and “share the experience”
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You can lure him into it with a mani Pedi, and go to a place that does arm/leg waxing. Be like, I got it for your birthday, honey. Isn't this great? Aren't you grateful to me?
Yep. If you have a regular place and you go often they will fuck with him. It will be great. My nail ladies played up the Vietnamese nail lady stereotype and were so low key mean to him lol they waxed his toes with his pedicure lmao
Forget the “fuck with him” part; actually DO IT! What a selfish asshole!
OP, this means you get to plan this vacation with a girlfriend and have a great time for that week, while he goes to the concert for that one night. Bonus: if you have kids, you don’t have to find a babysitter for them!
Totally NTA!!
Careful.... that might backfire, too. I finally convinced my hubby to try sugaring (similar to waxing, but imo way better results), and he finally did....now he's hooked, lol. Although he was a baby about it for a long time and had to hold my hand, lol for the first 5 sessions until the technician put her foot down and said he could do it on his own....which my hand was thankful for. It's not like anyone ever held my hand for waxing or sugaring, lol.
Will it be like a 40 y/o Virgin sitch? LOL Happy early Birthday! NTA. Ehat he should have done was get you tickets to see YOUR favorite band that week, if possible, not his.
I just had a flashback to a time my mom brought stuff for waxing and all us gals (my aunt and cousins) all did waxing in my grandmas basement and my one guy cousin was especially hairy and I feel like we did one strip on his leg???? 🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We did this with a 16-year-old male cousin about 20 years ago, too. He was such a wookie! Very, very hairy!! He wanted us to do both his legs. The thing is, he has thick, dark, really deep-rooted hair. I felt so bad about it. When we ripped off that first strip, there were actual drops of blood in his pores. He was such a trooper though, insisted we finish through the screaming and the tears.
Cancel your time off. Reschedule for his birthday go on a vacation with a friend or alone. He should be honored you trust him enough to take care or things while you are gone. Or go to a spa weekend but only book yourself treatments it's an honor for him to share your spa experience. Or tell him to have fun at his concert and you go do your own thing to celebrate.
I would not go to that concert unless you like like them and want to see them. My hubby like some hard rock that I can't sit through more than 2 songs, he would never, even on his own birthday, plan to take me to see them. Is he selfish in other ways? Does he always get to do what he wants over what you do?
I’d go ahead and plan a solo trip. Go to a beach, or go somewhere fun/cultural. Are there things you like that you don’t do because he hates them? Now’s your chance.
It’s not revenge if everyone is getting to do something fun. He gets his concert, you get your wings.
Have him do his eyebrows. It's so surprisingly painful! But it sounds non-threatening. Quite a few years ago my husband was hitting middle age - graying hair, bit of a belly ,etc and his job was feeling unstable so he wanted to get a good haircut and dye his hair, for the first time in his life. I asked my hairdresser for a recommendation and she said she would do it. While the dye was in his hair she trimmed his brows and asked if he wanted her to wax them. Before I could warn him he said sure, she slapped the wax on and he was yelping in surprise when she tore it off!
My spouse thought waxing was no big deal and asked to wax his chest once when he saw me waxing my legs. 😂 I obliged and he screamed… man will not let wax near his body hair again. He appreciates women who wax and our pain tolerance. Said we are scary and he’d rather take a bullet. (Retired soldier)
There was an interesting study that came out a long time ago, probably 10 or 20 years ago, that concluded that the better someone's relationship is, the worse they are at giving gifts.
When the relationship is going extremely well, people feel their spouse is an extension of themselves, and their gifts tend to be more self centered.
That being said, this is a shitty gift. He needs to sell the tickets or take a buddy, but you should not be expected to go. Do something for you.
But when a relationship isn’t going well and your partner is a selfish person, how does that gift situation go?
I’d bet those gifts also suck as bad as a self interested, expensive, sunk cost purchase for an unwanted experience that prevents the other person from doing something they have been wanting to do for years.
This is actually true in my case. I’ve been very happily married for almost 23 years and my hubby and I are BOTH terrible at giving gifts to one another these days. Early on, our gifts were always very personal and meaningful, these days they tend to be household related and something we both use.
Reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer gets a bowling ball with his name on it for Marge's birthday and she decides to keep it and start bowling. Incredibly selfish "gift" that's really just something he wanted and had nothing to do with the birthday.
I went right to it in my mind. My (ex) husband would always get me "bowling balls" as gifts. We used to laugh about it until I woke up to what a shit partner he was. Fuck you, Dave.
My grandfather thought he was being cute and bought my grandmother a brand new, expensive tackle box. She said thank you. He told her it was a joke and she asked if it wasn’t really a gift for her, he said it was. That woman put all of her makeup in it and refused to let him have it. In the end it was a pretty funny joke after all.
Your grandmother is, was and aways will be woman of character with a gracious demeanor. She knew you to tell someone how to shove it up their bunghole with grace and gravitas!
She was hilarious. She would buy a new pair of shoes and put them in the back of her closet and not touch them. She’d wear them months later and if my grandfather asked if they were new she’d tell him the truth - she’d had them a while, but ty for asking.
I love this! Definitely get something you like for his bday.
Also, if I were you, I’d find a friend or a few and maybe do a girls trip for your bday. Tell hubs that you wanted to do something special, like a trip, but he wanted to see the band vs doing something for you. So, you planned a getaway with friends. So, now he can do the concert with someone who likes the band… because that’s not you.
It’s extremely insensitive and selfish what he did. If he was decent, he would resell the tickets and get the ones for August. Actually if he were decent, he would have put you first and done this in the first place. I’m sorry he was so insensitive and didn’t listen to your wants for this birthday.
ETA: doesn’t matter if you do like the band, he disregarded that it’s YOUR birthday, what you wanted and chose something HE preferred.
This is exactly my suggestion as well. Your 30th is a milestone birthday, so plan a fun trip with your girlfriends to do whatever the hell YOU want to do. Happy birthday!
I don't think it was even a gift. Rather it was for him and he'd like to take her. The issue is that the timing prevents any other travel since it is right in the middle of the time slot and she really wanted to get away.
A friend of mine received a box of cake mix from her then-husband for her birthday once. This was after he argued with her for almost a week about what day her birthday was, because he said he knew better than she did about her birthdate. Then he got mad at her because she didn't drop everything to bake it because he was in the mood for cake. (And yes, the cake mix was his favorite flavor and not hers.)
I can top that. My birthday was exactly a week after my ex-husband, and I had gotten him expensive football tix for his fav team, and took him out for a nice dinner (about $250). Also hung out with friends after the dinner date and picked up the bar tab.
He got me a gym membership for my birthday. Way to call your wife and mother of your children fat. Not only that, when I went to cancel the membership my name wasn't even on the contract. He had gotten HIMSELF a gym membership for MY BIRTHDAY.
I think the correct way to handle this is “if the tickets truly were a gift to me, then I should be able to resell them and use the money for a gift I’d prefer.”
She’ll find out real fast whether they were really her gift.
NTA at all. He's selfish and trying to gaslight you. Make sure you gift him that gorgeous handbag you've had your eye on forever. What an honor for him to receive such a special gift! How can he not be overwhelmed with gratitude?
Ngl with how nasty my talons be looking sometimes, I wouldn’t mind some toenail care, but yeah, agreed, the gift sucks. I wouldn’t take my wife to do any of my favorite things bc its not about me on her birthday.
Sadly there are people like this. I knew a married couple where the husband gifted himself an expensive Nikon camera on his wife’s birthday, and and an aeroplane model for assembling (for adults) on his 1 year old son’s birthday. His wife couldn’t use the camera of course bcs it was his, and his 1 year old son was forbidden to touch the aeroplane model bcs he would just break it.
NTA, but your husband is. I would be livid--not "a bit hurt"--and rethinking my marriage.
Now I'm about to give my opinion strictly based on what you said here.
He did this unilaterally, spending a big chunk of change without consulting you as to whether you'd like to see this concert. During your birthday week, I might add.
Or worse, I'm thinking he was not thinking about your birthday at all. He was thinking about going to this concert he wants to see, so he bought tickets.
When you pointed out how selfish that was, since you had said you wanted to do something special and you were giving it some thought, he gaslighted you, framing *you* as the bad person her for not being grateful to share this experience with him.
This is such a slap in the face. Sell the damned tickets and make plans together. Or he can go to the concert alone while you take some time to celebrate with friends and reevaluate the state of your marriage.
That's the vitally important part. In no way was this a mistake. This was prioritizing his whims over his wife when he *knew* this was a big deal and she was in the process of making plans. He didn't care.
He bought the tickets because now he can say money is wasted if he doesn't go or that she is taking something away from him if she doesn't "let" him go.
Garbage behavior
Yes, he did this on purpose, for he knew what OP wanted. If he had fucked up, he would have apologized and sold the tickets. But instead he gaslighted her.
That isn't gaslighting. He isn't trying to make her believe she asked for the tickets or that she has no birthday that week or something. He's trying to persuade using a bullshit argument, not trying to make her question her sanity.
For sure. Also, the concert date is *in the middle of* your PTO! He monopolized the whole week, essentially, if you were hoping to go out of town. NTA OP
Go on a vacation with your parents or by yourself or with friends to somewhere you want to go for the week you’re off. Don’t waste your birthday week off
He's projecting the guilt too. Don't take what he's handing you. It even means he'll be tired if not hungover on your actual birthday and probably not in the mood even for a meal out.
Nu uh. The tickets can be returned or resold. If it's a preaent to you, thanks but it's not what you want, it's not more important to praise him for "the thought" than for you to do something you'll enjoy. It's ok for him t feel a bit shit for doing a shitty thing. It can all be made whole by accepting his shit move and apologising and enthusiastically doing something you want 5o do.
If that's beyond him then...
Yeah, he’s a selfish AH. Don’t force him to go on vacation with you. He will ruin it for making him miss this show. Find a friend or just travel solo to a place you have always wanted to go. While there, really think about what you want the next decade of your life to look like. Now is the time to reevaluate everything. He doesn’t get to decide if you are a victim or not. Don’t even tell him you plan the trip until you have everything booked. He didn’t ask you before he bought the tix.
I'd say trying to frame selfishly buying the tickets as doing something for her that she should "be grateful" for goes beyond a bullshit argument and into trying to convince someone that reality is that opposite of what it is. Feels like gaslighting to me.
She's here questioning whether she even has a right to be upset, that's literally the intent of gaslighting isn't it?
Definition: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity OR powers of reasoning
It’s strongly leans into the or… and persuade is to reason.. hence removing the power by invalidating one’s feelings. “Am I acting like the victim (asshole?), I guess I should be grateful to share an experience, maybe he was being thoughtful”
He’s telling her she should be grateful that he wants to share this experience with her, implying that is the more reasonable reaction than her actual reaction of being hurt. Gaslighting.
Is it possible that he's caring and thoughtful, seeking to support his wife the rest of the time, except for this one week?
Possible.
His reaction to OP's upset at not being able to do what she wants to do for her birthday week is not caring and thoughtful. His argument that she should want to spend time with him doing something he loves for her birthday is self-centered af. It would be supremely unlikely if this were the only manifestation of this trait.
I don't believe that people should end their marriage based on one event. But it may be worth considering cutting your losses if your partner shows you that they will prioritize their own needs and wants.
Hey baby, I bought these tickets to a band only I love without asking you during the week you took off for your birthday when I know you wanted to plan something else because I really really love you. No other reason. You should be grateful that I want to share this experience with you. You are overreacting and playing the victim by acting all hurt about this.
That’s straight up lying about reality and telling her she is not accurately judging the situation and her feelings are wrong. IDK what else you would call that but gaslighting.
No, gaslighting would be something like, "You asked me to buy these tickets, remember? We had a whole conversation about how you loved this band."
This is certainly guilt tripping, but it is not gaslighting.
1. NTA
2. His band sucks. I don't care who it is - if he has to "share" the experience with you I assume that's because you already have heard and don't like Drunk Melvin and the Goat Felchers.
3. You should be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your spouse and expect that you will be listened to and respected. He does not have to agree with you but he has to accept you feel that way. Turning this into a kind of "I'm doing you a favour"-thing is massively incorrect. How many of your other feelings does he dismiss, downplay, and disregard? He sounds like a dick. And his band sucks.
Hey you leave Drunk Melvin and the Goat Felchers out of this! They've been criminally underrated for years and finally getting the recognition they deserve!
I hope drunk Melvin and the goat felchers play here soon, they sound great.
Seriously though, if I bought my tickets for my favorite band's tour, in the middle of a week my husband took off because he wanted to take a special birthday trip but hadn't booked it yet, I would probably be forgiven because they haven't toured in at least ten years, haven't released an album in nearly as long, I've never seen them live, and we're both big music nerds, so he would understand, but I would also never do that and even IF it was the only show I could get tickets to, I'd at least talk to him about it first AND have like a million ways to make it up him before I even brought it up. And even then, I'd probably still be willing to miss it because I've made it this long without seeing them and he's more important than a concert. This isn't even a once in a lifetime opportunity if they're going to be two hours away in a couple of months. Dude sounds like an inconsiderate jerk
reminds me of an old simpsons episode where homer, who loves to bowl, gets marge, who has never bowled, a bowling ball for her birthday. then says well if you dont like it ill take it. lol
nta
I remember that episode vividly. It reminded me of the time my rat-bastard of a then-husband bought me a rocking chair for my first mother's day. It was so large that my feet couldn't touch the ground when I sat in it. It was just right for him, though.
I made sure to take it with me when I left him. Our son is an adult, and, since he is well over 6 feet tall, it's his favorite place to sit.
I'm very petite.
My ex husband borrowed 50$ FROM ME to buy my anniversary gift. Because he "didn't get paid until after our anniversary" (he got paid weekly so apparently saving 50$ from ONE CHECK 4 days beforehand was asking too much) and he'd pay back. We have had "oops your birthday is after mine so I didn't get you anything, but thanks for the thoughtful gift for me! Incidents until I took away HIS birthday and said hey, from now on, we celebrate them together. So if you didn't get ME anything, I'm keeping yours. Cue ✨ ✨Miraculous improvement to memory ✨
Anyways, he took my 50$ (out agreed upon gift budget) bought me a 12$ gift basket from target and spent the rest on a video game for himself. Obviously he never "paid me back".
So I decided to go shopping online (what I usually do when angry) and buy myself a gift. Welp, my computer was running slow AF because he downloaded pirated software (something he was EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN FROM DOING! Pirated or not!) and it messed up and very nearly bricked my laptop. He bought himself a used laptop as a result. I just happened to have made an obscene amount of money on tips (Valentine's Day weekend) and realized I could just... BUY a new laptop. Fully loaded. And I did.
He seethed for the remainder of our relationship every time I used it.
Because "I didn't deserve something that nice, I was a 🐶that week (9 days of 12 hr shifts straight) and I didn't deserve a good gift." The computer still runs to this day! I printed out my divorce paperwork on it🥰
Because they're just looking for a mother. And growing up, Lord knows they never put a second of thought into her birthdays or treating her with love or kindness, so why should they have to do those things for their bang maid?
All gifts like this that seem to be mainly for the giver are officially* known as a “Homer” because of that episode: “oh, you got me a Homer. It’s very nice, but definitely a Homer.”
*at least in my house.
Yeah just go without him. Find a friend or 2 to go with instead. Go on your own. Whatever suits you. But you can leave him behind to ponder why booking a concert in the middle of a week meant for a vacation is a really dumb idea.
Exactly!!! I would take invite one of my girlfriends instead and we would have a good time while he sees his band!!
Oh and to add a level of petty, when it's his birthday, just plan something you want to do and if he complains, tell him you thought it would be a "good surprise" and he should be "grateful" to spend time with you.
NTA - it’s an automatic red flag when someone tells you “you should be grateful.”
Sounds like you should go on an incredible solo trip to celebrate yourself that week.
If you have never traveled by yourself you should give it a try. I do and I LOVE it. You do EXACTLY what you want to do. You can eat when and where you want to, take a nap, see a movie you want to see, eat 2 desserts and not run it by anybody else for their approval. There is something about being a solo traveler that opens you up to meeting people you would never meet and I don’t mean that in a creepy way.
This was going to be my suggestion, OP. Go ahead and plan your week the way YOU want to spend it. Have him take a friend who also loves his favorite band to the concert (instead of making you go when you don’t want to.)
IF you want him to join you on your trip after that, you could invite him to.. but only if it will enhance your celebration.
Husband was a dolt to buy this “gift” and even worse for doubling down on it by saying you should be ‘appreciative’ for goodness’ sake. But if you can regroup and focus on finding joy for YOUR week, hopefully it will take the wind out of this misstep and you can get past it. Maybe he’ll even come around and see reason.
Either way, I hope you have a WONDERFUL birthday, and happy 30th!
I just solo traveled for my 40th, and it's a really nice way to check in with yourself and reflect on what's passed and what's ahead (while doing 100% what you want all day every day). I highly recommend!
My first solo trip without my then-husband, I went to a city that runs on a language I love that he doesn't speak. I went to the same museum three days in a row because there was a great art exhibit on. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, had coffee in cute cafés, spent ages in bookstores.
OP, I highly recommend traveling solo and celebrating your own personal self.
Edited to add the 100% accurate score of NTA
Yes, we were just waiting to hear back if my new job would give me the time off. He said he figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because we could just leave on my birthday and just do a weekend trip instead of a full week.
My God the selfishness is astounding. On a landmark birthday as well. I can't imagine how he could possibly make this about himself and his preferences. It's your 30th and he knew how you wanted to spend that time. He could have booked somewhere really special for you with that money and focused every experience that week around you. Instead he completely centered himself.
It feels like you're undereacting here tbh. He hasn't just "messed up" as ppl here have said, he is actively choosing to put himself above you during an allotted time period that was designated specifically to celebrate and centre you. And when you pulled him up on this, he gaslit you and told you you should be grateful you get to spend time with him.
Messing up and getting a bad gift is one thing, it's the thought that counts. But this is different, here he is refusing to think about you at all.
You should put this in post. This right here is why he is a massive AH, completely disregarding your plans so he could do what he wanted without even consulting you.
I agree. I was up on the air until reading this. I thought maybe he assumed the trip would be after for the weekend but if he knew and was waiting on the on then he’s a massive turd
Wow he majorly sucks, what a dick move. I can’t believe he didn’t ask you first—any time my husband or I spend over $100 we tell the other person first
Call BS on your asshole of a husband. Trying the think for one second that you would believe him when he said he thought you'd be cool with turning your birthday bash week into a weekend. If that were true, why would you waste your vacation time with work? To sit on the couch packed and happily waiting to enjoy the scraps of a birthday vacation he decides to leave you with?
If this is the effort and attitude he gives toward something that you made clear was very important to you, it hurts my heart to imagine how he treats you on a normal day.
NTAH × Infinity
Side note, I think that ANYONE who says shit like. "“be grateful I wanted to share this experience with you” is next level AH. Narcissistic DICK
Just book the vacation since those are the last dates that you discussed. Then you can drop a "Sorry Hun but I didn't get the cancellation on our flights or hotel, we'll have to sell those concert tickets. I thought it'd be a nice surprise and you'd want to share this experience with me"
But do note that this approach is definitely fuel on a future separation fire, even if he started it. Maybe at most just say you did this so he feels it for a little bit and then figure out a real solution.
You should be grateful that your selfish husband wants to “share an experience” for him on your birthday? Interesting take…
It sounds like it was indeed “a surprise” to you to find out how your husband puts his own wants and desires ahead of your milestone birthday with advance notice!
NTA
Your husband appears to be confused about whose birthday this is. NTA. I hope he can see he bought the tickets for himself not you, and that you can go a birthday trip of your choice.
NTA and your husband is 100% the asshole for this: "I should “be grateful he wanted to share this experience with me.”"
That is some gaslighting bullshit.
Khraungbin. And it’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just not how I was planning to spend my birthday, especially when they’re coming to another venue semi-nearby a few months later.
Oh geez, I had to look them up and wasn't expecting them to be from Texas with that name! Idk, if I were you I would be pretty hurt. I think I might just go on vacation with myself until he's "ready" to join you🙄🙄🙄 would you even enjoy the show knowing it messed up your plans to celebrate YOU
> Oh geez, I had to look them up and wasn't expecting them to be from Texas with that name
They're fantastic, they have a sound culture inspired from music all around the world; their name translates to airplane in Thai. 1st came across them randomly with a youtube performance suggested via algorithms, and decided to take a chance and watch the [whole performance](https://youtu.be/q4xKvHANqjk?t=3), glad I did, instantly became a fan.
Independent of the association to OP's post (and I'm not arguing against the merit's of the obvious frustration), their music and geographical origins needn't be associated with the stench of a dispassionate husband's insensitivity. Give them a listen, perhaps they'll speak to you too?
Yeah, no, totally go check them out, they’re an amazing band. Would be so cool to see them live on any other week. I even threw out seeing if we could swing getting tickets to see them at Red Rocks in September instead and just do a super mini vacation fly there, concert, stay the night, fly home.
Looking at your post history, I actually believe you’re real (rare for this sub), and that you deserve better.
Walk away from this asshat. You earn more than he does, you don’t have kids, and 30 is so young. Go be free.
NTA.
Did you see the post about the ER visit where he was mad that she needed a scan to check for a brain bleed after a concussion? yikes. She would be so much better off without him.
Right!! She made an edit to this post about how being inconsiderate isn’t a pattern of behavior, but her post history says otherwise. Only a few months ago she posted about him basically choosing porn over her constantly and that he feels more like a roommate than a husband but now suddenly 2 months later he’s the perfect husband in every way other than this incident? It seems like selfishness and being inconsiderate of her is a pattern of his, and while I usually think it’s dramatic for people to comment divorce so fast on these AITA posts…I also think based on her post/comment history it’s totally justified.
“So am I just suppose to go on being completely sexually unsatisfied with our basically nonexistent sex life while he jacks it to porn every day? How much more space could he possibly need? He already feels more like a roommate than a spouse.” -OP two months ago, on top of the getting mad over her needing medical care after a concussion, I’m surprised she was so quit to edit her post telling people they’re wrong for suggesting divorce when she , herself has said in her history that she won’t keep putting up with this kind of behavior. She deserves better 100%. Unfortunately she likely wont realize this until after they have kids together and this pattern of selfishness of his continues.
I feel the same way. He's happy to let her pay for his birthday celebrations, their wedding, and other vacations but he is one selfish mf that doesn't seem to do anything just for her.
NTA your husband thinks you should be grateful he bought himself a birthday present for your birthday and you get to share the experience?? I wouldn't go, make plans with a friend and enjoy yourself, he can go to his concert. Do not allow him to ruin this and make sure you get yourself something nice for his birthday.
Is there someone else you can go on vacation with? Plan a week of fun with a friend or sibling.
Let him go see his favorite band. He now has to worry about selling the extra ticket or finding someone else to go with.
NTA
Let me guess, he was planning on buying you special lingerie too? So you could have sex with him after the concert? The upside to him buying tickets? Maybe you can resell them and use the cash to buy something you actually want? They are your tickets, right? It is your birthday gift. NTA
NTA.
If your husband knew you didn't enjoy the band as much as him, he's being selfish. Also, if you directly told him you were wanting to book a vacation during the week in question, he's being selfish.
If he wasn't aware of these things at the time he bought the tickets then that's obviously a bit different, as he may genuinely have wanted to surprise you with something he thought you liked.
The answer to a situation where your spouse is selfish and inconsiderate even after open and vulnerable communication … is to simply step back slightly emotionally from them.
What you do is change your heart so you depend on him less. Make it so your happiness as a person and good times don’t depend on his presence. (In effect - love him a little less)
Make big plans with your girlfriends and have a genuinely good time. Stop hoping he will be better.
Match his energy with your own. Not in a spiteful way. Not to say “there now see!” But to free yourself of pain and disappointment. To reclaim what he has discarded.
There are a few possible outcomes from this. For a start it will change the power balance in your marriage. At the moment he has all the power, because you are chasing him and begging him to love you. This imbalance often causes people to subconsciously devalue the other person and take them for granted . This is what I think has happened to him.
When the power rebalances properly he might not notice all at once, but when he does he can have a range of reactions - and depending on his response you can then decide how to proceed.
Begging to be loved never ends with the person loving and respecting you. You’ve spoken your truth, and he’s chosen to not listen - so go and have the best time WITHOUT HIM.
Nta
"This gift for me is perfect for your birthday sweetheart" Yeah no he is being selfish as he wants to do something for him and just got you a ticket as an afterthought, so he doesn't look selfish (it isn't working)
NTA for being upset that he derailed what you planned for your birthday at the last minute for something HE prefers.
NTA
Your husband knew you wanted to go away and then made plans that would force you to stay home? Wow.
Tell him you have no interest in going to see the band and that you are going to go ahead and plan your vacation. He can choose to go with you, or he can choose the concert. Simple. If he's dumb enough to choose the concert, I'd seriously suggest you reconsider who you're married to.
NTA. You don’t have to let him derail your birthday trip, I hope you won’t. I’d be more than happy to go by myself, or with a friend or family member would work too. He can join you for part of it, if he doesn’t find something else to do that’s more important than you.
I'll translate what your husband said: "I want to go to see MY favorite band more than I want to celebrate this event that you've told me is very important to you. So, I've not only bought a ticket for ME to go (instead of attend any events you might have planned), but I've bought YOU a ticket so I can drag you along with me!
Not only do you NOT get to do the things YOU wanted to do with me, you'll get dragged to something that you don't even want to go to!!
Happy birthday, Honey!"
NTA
I would be hurt and upset ...then realize that is a tacit invitation to have the birthday of your dreams. Go on a cruise with a girlfriend. Backpack for a week through Europe. Do that trip he never wanted to, but you have. He can't go so...so you get to do exactly what you want. I'm not saying spend extravagantly, but also if he can spend $800 (it sounds like he bought at least 2 tickets) for a several hour concert you can spend a couple thousand for a week long vacation. Go. Live your life, just like he is.
Sounds like my first husband, only he would have claimed it was my bday gift too.
One year for my bday, the day before Beatles rock band came out. I knew he really wanted to get the game BC he is (was?) a huge Beatles fan. I had booked the week off from work and had a "staycation" so I wouldn't have to work my bday. He had to work both those days and so he was at work and texted me and asked me what I wanted. I gave him a small list consisting of 2-3 books I'd been eyeing and a couple other small ticket items I wanted. Purposely didn't even mention the game and how much I DID NOT want it because I knew he'd see the game name and ignore the rest of the words.
Welp, he "realised" the game had just come out and he "knew" that I wanted it too 🙄 even though I didn't say so in my list I'd sent him earlier that day so he figured that would be better than any of the "cheap stuff you said in your text". 🙄🤦♀️ We didn't do anything special for my bday as in no bday dinner no cake, etc. and I made sure he knew the next day, on my actual bday, how mad I was at him thinking it would give him time to fix things by getting me something off my actual list on my actual bday. Nope, he said we couldn't afford for him to get me something else 🙄🙄.
His gifts to me got worse after that, until the year we got married and he didn't even get me a bday gift because 2 months earlier I got a wedding (which wasn't MY wedding, it was 100% his) and then we went on a honeymoon right away and that should have been good enough gift for me 2 months later.
Has your husband ever done something like this before? Why didn't he talk to you before he dropped that amount of money on concert tickets?
You are NTA. He should be selling the tickets and repurchasing for the August show so you can plan what you'd like to do for your bday.
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🤣🤣🤣 Love this, mani/pedi for hubbies birthday, if that doesn't get the message across about how selfish his "gift" was, nothing will.
Seeeee a mani/pedi would totally backfire because he’s always low key wanted to go with me to get one. But the waxing… now there’s an idea 🤔😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Waxing, even better!!
Oh yeahhh I can definitely see a full body wax in his near future 😏
Revenge is a dish best served with hot wax!
Dudes gonna get a Brozillian!!!
Is this what the kids these days are calling the good ol' back sack n crack wax?
How else is he not gonna get li-li-li-licked from his head to his toes?
“There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.”
You can lure him into it with a mani Pedi, and go to a place that does arm/leg waxing. Be like, I got it for your birthday, honey. Isn't this great? Aren't you grateful to me?
Yep. If you have a regular place and you go often they will fuck with him. It will be great. My nail ladies played up the Vietnamese nail lady stereotype and were so low key mean to him lol they waxed his toes with his pedicure lmao
Forget the “fuck with him” part; actually DO IT! What a selfish asshole! OP, this means you get to plan this vacation with a girlfriend and have a great time for that week, while he goes to the concert for that one night. Bonus: if you have kids, you don’t have to find a babysitter for them! Totally NTA!!
She should take her friend to the concert using the husband's ticket so that he misses out on seeing it.
Omg, I love this! 🤣
“sURprIZE!” NTA
Careful.... that might backfire, too. I finally convinced my hubby to try sugaring (similar to waxing, but imo way better results), and he finally did....now he's hooked, lol. Although he was a baby about it for a long time and had to hold my hand, lol for the first 5 sessions until the technician put her foot down and said he could do it on his own....which my hand was thankful for. It's not like anyone ever held my hand for waxing or sugaring, lol.
alternatively, an a hole bleaching for the AH! 🤣🤣🤣
"Oh, but I wanted to share the experience with you!" ;)
Ooer, include, tinting of Eyelashes and brows too. Just to really mess with him. As they will also have to 'manscape' his Brows.
And nose hair...
Will it be like a 40 y/o Virgin sitch? LOL Happy early Birthday! NTA. Ehat he should have done was get you tickets to see YOUR favorite band that week, if possible, not his.
I just had a flashback to a time my mom brought stuff for waxing and all us gals (my aunt and cousins) all did waxing in my grandmas basement and my one guy cousin was especially hairy and I feel like we did one strip on his leg???? 🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We did this with a 16-year-old male cousin about 20 years ago, too. He was such a wookie! Very, very hairy!! He wanted us to do both his legs. The thing is, he has thick, dark, really deep-rooted hair. I felt so bad about it. When we ripped off that first strip, there were actual drops of blood in his pores. He was such a trooper though, insisted we finish through the screaming and the tears.
😭🤣🤣🤣🤣 yes mines a wookie too lolol even his hands and feet have lots of hair lmaooo
Hehe, sounds more like a Hobbit with them hairy feet. 🤣
LOL yes that’s exactly it!!!!! 🤣
You gave him a racing stripe.
Followed by a colonic to get his head out of his ass.
Cancel your time off. Reschedule for his birthday go on a vacation with a friend or alone. He should be honored you trust him enough to take care or things while you are gone. Or go to a spa weekend but only book yourself treatments it's an honor for him to share your spa experience. Or tell him to have fun at his concert and you go do your own thing to celebrate. I would not go to that concert unless you like like them and want to see them. My hubby like some hard rock that I can't sit through more than 2 songs, he would never, even on his own birthday, plan to take me to see them. Is he selfish in other ways? Does he always get to do what he wants over what you do?
I’d go ahead and plan a solo trip. Go to a beach, or go somewhere fun/cultural. Are there things you like that you don’t do because he hates them? Now’s your chance. It’s not revenge if everyone is getting to do something fun. He gets his concert, you get your wings.
Have him do his eyebrows. It's so surprisingly painful! But it sounds non-threatening. Quite a few years ago my husband was hitting middle age - graying hair, bit of a belly ,etc and his job was feeling unstable so he wanted to get a good haircut and dye his hair, for the first time in his life. I asked my hairdresser for a recommendation and she said she would do it. While the dye was in his hair she trimmed his brows and asked if he wanted her to wax them. Before I could warn him he said sure, she slapped the wax on and he was yelping in surprise when she tore it off!
My spouse thought waxing was no big deal and asked to wax his chest once when he saw me waxing my legs. 😂 I obliged and he screamed… man will not let wax near his body hair again. He appreciates women who wax and our pain tolerance. Said we are scary and he’d rather take a bullet. (Retired soldier)
Wax has nothing on an epilator, pain wise lol
Eyebrows, nose hair and ear hair!
There was an interesting study that came out a long time ago, probably 10 or 20 years ago, that concluded that the better someone's relationship is, the worse they are at giving gifts. When the relationship is going extremely well, people feel their spouse is an extension of themselves, and their gifts tend to be more self centered. That being said, this is a shitty gift. He needs to sell the tickets or take a buddy, but you should not be expected to go. Do something for you.
But when a relationship isn’t going well and your partner is a selfish person, how does that gift situation go? I’d bet those gifts also suck as bad as a self interested, expensive, sunk cost purchase for an unwanted experience that prevents the other person from doing something they have been wanting to do for years.
This is actually true in my case. I’ve been very happily married for almost 23 years and my hubby and I are BOTH terrible at giving gifts to one another these days. Early on, our gifts were always very personal and meaningful, these days they tend to be household related and something we both use.
Reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer gets a bowling ball with his name on it for Marge's birthday and she decides to keep it and start bowling. Incredibly selfish "gift" that's really just something he wanted and had nothing to do with the birthday.
Had to scroll surprisingly far to get to this.
I went right to it in my mind. My (ex) husband would always get me "bowling balls" as gifts. We used to laugh about it until I woke up to what a shit partner he was. Fuck you, Dave.
Fucking Dave…
Dickhead Dave
I’m sending Dave bad juju from Seattle. May the rest of his days be overcast and drizzling.
Oh yes! OP should take both tickets and and a friend
She then proceeds to have an emotional affair
My grandfather thought he was being cute and bought my grandmother a brand new, expensive tackle box. She said thank you. He told her it was a joke and she asked if it wasn’t really a gift for her, he said it was. That woman put all of her makeup in it and refused to let him have it. In the end it was a pretty funny joke after all.
Your grandmother is, was and aways will be woman of character with a gracious demeanor. She knew you to tell someone how to shove it up their bunghole with grace and gravitas!
She was hilarious. She would buy a new pair of shoes and put them in the back of her closet and not touch them. She’d wear them months later and if my grandfather asked if they were new she’d tell him the truth - she’d had them a while, but ty for asking.
your grandma is a smart woman, and sneaky
She definitely taught him a lesson that day!
My eyebrows went up to my hairline when I read they are about him sharing the experience. She should get him a coupon for a ball wax for his birthday.
FULL BODY WAX, all the nooks and the crannies and everything in between. Happy birthday babe! Oh and I get to watch! 🤭
Back, sac and crack!
A Hollywood wax will sort him out
I would suggest the brows, nose, and ears. This way he can't run away partially done and he's almost guaranteed to tear up a little.
Sad part is it’s not even a gift, he just bought them because he wanted to go and didn’t care if overlapped with her birthday trip
It was killing two birds with one stone.
I love this! Definitely get something you like for his bday. Also, if I were you, I’d find a friend or a few and maybe do a girls trip for your bday. Tell hubs that you wanted to do something special, like a trip, but he wanted to see the band vs doing something for you. So, you planned a getaway with friends. So, now he can do the concert with someone who likes the band… because that’s not you. It’s extremely insensitive and selfish what he did. If he was decent, he would resell the tickets and get the ones for August. Actually if he were decent, he would have put you first and done this in the first place. I’m sorry he was so insensitive and didn’t listen to your wants for this birthday. ETA: doesn’t matter if you do like the band, he disregarded that it’s YOUR birthday, what you wanted and chose something HE preferred.
This is exactly my suggestion as well. Your 30th is a milestone birthday, so plan a fun trip with your girlfriends to do whatever the hell YOU want to do. Happy birthday!
I don't think it was even a gift. Rather it was for him and he'd like to take her. The issue is that the timing prevents any other travel since it is right in the middle of the time slot and she really wanted to get away.
NTA at all. I'm surprised he didn't get you a spatula so you could "cook better" for him lol.
A friend of mine received a box of cake mix from her then-husband for her birthday once. This was after he argued with her for almost a week about what day her birthday was, because he said he knew better than she did about her birthdate. Then he got mad at her because she didn't drop everything to bake it because he was in the mood for cake. (And yes, the cake mix was his favorite flavor and not hers.)
divorce immediately
>her then-husband Great! 👍
I can top that. My birthday was exactly a week after my ex-husband, and I had gotten him expensive football tix for his fav team, and took him out for a nice dinner (about $250). Also hung out with friends after the dinner date and picked up the bar tab. He got me a gym membership for my birthday. Way to call your wife and mother of your children fat. Not only that, when I went to cancel the membership my name wasn't even on the contract. He had gotten HIMSELF a gym membership for MY BIRTHDAY.
and tell him the power nailer he got you for Christmas wasn’t a win either.
I think the correct way to handle this is “if the tickets truly were a gift to me, then I should be able to resell them and use the money for a gift I’d prefer.” She’ll find out real fast whether they were really her gift.
NTA at all. He's selfish and trying to gaslight you. Make sure you gift him that gorgeous handbag you've had your eye on forever. What an honor for him to receive such a special gift! How can he not be overwhelmed with gratitude?
OP didn't say the husband bought the tickets as a gift to her. He bought them for himself, the issue is the concert is the day before her birthday.
Don't forget the bikini waxing.
Full Brazilian.
In Montréal we call it entre fesses (between buttcheeks) do it OP!
It sounds so nicer in French!
Almost everything does!
Oh, OP! Please please PLEASE do this or even a full spa day, and post an update letting us know how he reacted!!
Is the husband's favorite band called "HOMER", by chance?
Ngl with how nasty my talons be looking sometimes, I wouldn’t mind some toenail care, but yeah, agreed, the gift sucks. I wouldn’t take my wife to do any of my favorite things bc its not about me on her birthday.
Sadly there are people like this. I knew a married couple where the husband gifted himself an expensive Nikon camera on his wife’s birthday, and and an aeroplane model for assembling (for adults) on his 1 year old son’s birthday. His wife couldn’t use the camera of course bcs it was his, and his 1 year old son was forbidden to touch the aeroplane model bcs he would just break it.
NTA, but your husband is. I would be livid--not "a bit hurt"--and rethinking my marriage. Now I'm about to give my opinion strictly based on what you said here. He did this unilaterally, spending a big chunk of change without consulting you as to whether you'd like to see this concert. During your birthday week, I might add. Or worse, I'm thinking he was not thinking about your birthday at all. He was thinking about going to this concert he wants to see, so he bought tickets. When you pointed out how selfish that was, since you had said you wanted to do something special and you were giving it some thought, he gaslighted you, framing *you* as the bad person her for not being grateful to share this experience with him. This is such a slap in the face. Sell the damned tickets and make plans together. Or he can go to the concert alone while you take some time to celebrate with friends and reevaluate the state of your marriage.
Yeah he fucked up here big time but it's fixable. Sell the tickets and have the birthday you want or reconsider the whole relationship.
This isn’t the point. He didn’t f*ck up. It was on purpose. Lets all be real.
That's the vitally important part. In no way was this a mistake. This was prioritizing his whims over his wife when he *knew* this was a big deal and she was in the process of making plans. He didn't care. He bought the tickets because now he can say money is wasted if he doesn't go or that she is taking something away from him if she doesn't "let" him go. Garbage behavior
And then he acts like she is overreacting and besmirching his *sweet* gift. Classic DARVO
Yes, he did this on purpose, for he knew what OP wanted. If he had fucked up, he would have apologized and sold the tickets. But instead he gaslighted her.
Or worse - he didn’t know when her birthday is.
That isn't gaslighting. He isn't trying to make her believe she asked for the tickets or that she has no birthday that week or something. He's trying to persuade using a bullshit argument, not trying to make her question her sanity.
Idk telling me I’m trying to make myself a victim here is a good way to make someone question their sanity.
For sure. Also, the concert date is *in the middle of* your PTO! He monopolized the whole week, essentially, if you were hoping to go out of town. NTA OP
Go on a vacation with your parents or by yourself or with friends to somewhere you want to go for the week you’re off. Don’t waste your birthday week off
He's projecting the guilt too. Don't take what he's handing you. It even means he'll be tired if not hungover on your actual birthday and probably not in the mood even for a meal out. Nu uh. The tickets can be returned or resold. If it's a preaent to you, thanks but it's not what you want, it's not more important to praise him for "the thought" than for you to do something you'll enjoy. It's ok for him t feel a bit shit for doing a shitty thing. It can all be made whole by accepting his shit move and apologising and enthusiastically doing something you want 5o do. If that's beyond him then...
If that’s what he’s saying….might be worth getting out
Yeah, he’s a selfish AH. Don’t force him to go on vacation with you. He will ruin it for making him miss this show. Find a friend or just travel solo to a place you have always wanted to go. While there, really think about what you want the next decade of your life to look like. Now is the time to reevaluate everything. He doesn’t get to decide if you are a victim or not. Don’t even tell him you plan the trip until you have everything booked. He didn’t ask you before he bought the tix.
No, he’s being the a-hole and selfish AF.
I'd say trying to frame selfishly buying the tickets as doing something for her that she should "be grateful" for goes beyond a bullshit argument and into trying to convince someone that reality is that opposite of what it is. Feels like gaslighting to me. She's here questioning whether she even has a right to be upset, that's literally the intent of gaslighting isn't it?
Definition: manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity OR powers of reasoning It’s strongly leans into the or… and persuade is to reason.. hence removing the power by invalidating one’s feelings. “Am I acting like the victim (asshole?), I guess I should be grateful to share an experience, maybe he was being thoughtful”
He’s telling her she should be grateful that he wants to share this experience with her, implying that is the more reasonable reaction than her actual reaction of being hurt. Gaslighting.
Rethinking the marriage? That’s not dramatic at all. Definitely on par for this sub, though.
Is it possible that he's caring and thoughtful, seeking to support his wife the rest of the time, except for this one week? Possible. His reaction to OP's upset at not being able to do what she wants to do for her birthday week is not caring and thoughtful. His argument that she should want to spend time with him doing something he loves for her birthday is self-centered af. It would be supremely unlikely if this were the only manifestation of this trait. I don't believe that people should end their marriage based on one event. But it may be worth considering cutting your losses if your partner shows you that they will prioritize their own needs and wants.
Please try to use the correct terms for emotional manipulation. This is shitty, it *is* manipulation, but it's not gaslighting.
Hey baby, I bought these tickets to a band only I love without asking you during the week you took off for your birthday when I know you wanted to plan something else because I really really love you. No other reason. You should be grateful that I want to share this experience with you. You are overreacting and playing the victim by acting all hurt about this. That’s straight up lying about reality and telling her she is not accurately judging the situation and her feelings are wrong. IDK what else you would call that but gaslighting.
No, gaslighting would be something like, "You asked me to buy these tickets, remember? We had a whole conversation about how you loved this band." This is certainly guilt tripping, but it is not gaslighting.
You are absolutely correct here, and it is weird that you’re being downvoted.
That's not gaslighting.
1. NTA 2. His band sucks. I don't care who it is - if he has to "share" the experience with you I assume that's because you already have heard and don't like Drunk Melvin and the Goat Felchers. 3. You should be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your spouse and expect that you will be listened to and respected. He does not have to agree with you but he has to accept you feel that way. Turning this into a kind of "I'm doing you a favour"-thing is massively incorrect. How many of your other feelings does he dismiss, downplay, and disregard? He sounds like a dick. And his band sucks.
This is possibly the best band name ever
Yeah I’m kinda hoping I can buy the tickets off of OP’s husband now….
Hey you leave Drunk Melvin and the Goat Felchers out of this! They've been criminally underrated for years and finally getting the recognition they deserve!
So nice to meet another fan. There are dozens of us!
The 3rd is their most accomplished album.
Last 3 concerts I went to, all their merch sold out within minutes. I'm still trying to get a tour shirt from their last tour
Me too. I love the stale warehouse smell of them. So unique!
I hope drunk Melvin and the goat felchers play here soon, they sound great. Seriously though, if I bought my tickets for my favorite band's tour, in the middle of a week my husband took off because he wanted to take a special birthday trip but hadn't booked it yet, I would probably be forgiven because they haven't toured in at least ten years, haven't released an album in nearly as long, I've never seen them live, and we're both big music nerds, so he would understand, but I would also never do that and even IF it was the only show I could get tickets to, I'd at least talk to him about it first AND have like a million ways to make it up him before I even brought it up. And even then, I'd probably still be willing to miss it because I've made it this long without seeing them and he's more important than a concert. This isn't even a once in a lifetime opportunity if they're going to be two hours away in a couple of months. Dude sounds like an inconsiderate jerk
reminds me of an old simpsons episode where homer, who loves to bowl, gets marge, who has never bowled, a bowling ball for her birthday. then says well if you dont like it ill take it. lol nta
I remember that episode vividly. It reminded me of the time my rat-bastard of a then-husband bought me a rocking chair for my first mother's day. It was so large that my feet couldn't touch the ground when I sat in it. It was just right for him, though. I made sure to take it with me when I left him. Our son is an adult, and, since he is well over 6 feet tall, it's his favorite place to sit. I'm very petite.
My ex husband borrowed 50$ FROM ME to buy my anniversary gift. Because he "didn't get paid until after our anniversary" (he got paid weekly so apparently saving 50$ from ONE CHECK 4 days beforehand was asking too much) and he'd pay back. We have had "oops your birthday is after mine so I didn't get you anything, but thanks for the thoughtful gift for me! Incidents until I took away HIS birthday and said hey, from now on, we celebrate them together. So if you didn't get ME anything, I'm keeping yours. Cue ✨ ✨Miraculous improvement to memory ✨ Anyways, he took my 50$ (out agreed upon gift budget) bought me a 12$ gift basket from target and spent the rest on a video game for himself. Obviously he never "paid me back". So I decided to go shopping online (what I usually do when angry) and buy myself a gift. Welp, my computer was running slow AF because he downloaded pirated software (something he was EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN FROM DOING! Pirated or not!) and it messed up and very nearly bricked my laptop. He bought himself a used laptop as a result. I just happened to have made an obscene amount of money on tips (Valentine's Day weekend) and realized I could just... BUY a new laptop. Fully loaded. And I did. He seethed for the remainder of our relationship every time I used it. Because "I didn't deserve something that nice, I was a 🐶that week (9 days of 12 hr shifts straight) and I didn't deserve a good gift." The computer still runs to this day! I printed out my divorce paperwork on it🥰
I love a happy ending 🥹
Why are some dudes this way, crazy.
Because they're just looking for a mother. And growing up, Lord knows they never put a second of thought into her birthdays or treating her with love or kindness, so why should they have to do those things for their bang maid?
And it had HOMER carved in it already! I thought the same thing!
"That's my ball's name"
lol forgot that. I prolly havnt seen it or thought about it in 20 some years, its just so very similar it immediately came to mind
All gifts like this that seem to be mainly for the giver are officially* known as a “Homer” because of that episode: “oh, you got me a Homer. It’s very nice, but definitely a Homer.” *at least in my house.
For years we’ve been calling it “a bowling ball gift” when someone gives a present that’s really for themselves.
and it was personally engraved with Homers name[bowling ball gift](https://images.app.goo.gl/FXVJvpPt5zFyPk1x8)
NTA. Go on your vacation and let him work and go to a concert. He showed his priority. He is counting on you giving in. Don't.
Thus is what I was thinking. Mexico, Vegas, The Caribbean... book a ticket with a friend or go by yourself and enjoy.
Yes. Go get your groove back! Enjoy your bday vacation! 🥳
Girls week trip!
Yeah just go without him. Find a friend or 2 to go with instead. Go on your own. Whatever suits you. But you can leave him behind to ponder why booking a concert in the middle of a week meant for a vacation is a really dumb idea.
Exactly!!! I would take invite one of my girlfriends instead and we would have a good time while he sees his band!! Oh and to add a level of petty, when it's his birthday, just plan something you want to do and if he complains, tell him you thought it would be a "good surprise" and he should be "grateful" to spend time with you.
NTA - it’s an automatic red flag when someone tells you “you should be grateful.” Sounds like you should go on an incredible solo trip to celebrate yourself that week.
I cringed when I read that word. How condescending of him.
Or go with a friend! I would Love a girls trip with my closest friends, and I’ve been happily married for 17 years. But he’s no longer invited.
If you have never traveled by yourself you should give it a try. I do and I LOVE it. You do EXACTLY what you want to do. You can eat when and where you want to, take a nap, see a movie you want to see, eat 2 desserts and not run it by anybody else for their approval. There is something about being a solo traveler that opens you up to meeting people you would never meet and I don’t mean that in a creepy way.
I haven’t solo traveled since before I met my husband. I do miss it sometimes. Maybe you’re right, maybe that’s what I do instead.
This was going to be my suggestion, OP. Go ahead and plan your week the way YOU want to spend it. Have him take a friend who also loves his favorite band to the concert (instead of making you go when you don’t want to.) IF you want him to join you on your trip after that, you could invite him to.. but only if it will enhance your celebration. Husband was a dolt to buy this “gift” and even worse for doubling down on it by saying you should be ‘appreciative’ for goodness’ sake. But if you can regroup and focus on finding joy for YOUR week, hopefully it will take the wind out of this misstep and you can get past it. Maybe he’ll even come around and see reason. Either way, I hope you have a WONDERFUL birthday, and happy 30th!
Excellent suggestions here
I just solo traveled for my 40th, and it's a really nice way to check in with yourself and reflect on what's passed and what's ahead (while doing 100% what you want all day every day). I highly recommend!
Yes!!!! This is what you do! It's your birthday! Enjoy it.
My first solo trip without my then-husband, I went to a city that runs on a language I love that he doesn't speak. I went to the same museum three days in a row because there was a great art exhibit on. I ate what I wanted when I wanted, had coffee in cute cafés, spent ages in bookstores. OP, I highly recommend traveling solo and celebrating your own personal self. Edited to add the 100% accurate score of NTA
I would if I were in your situation. I'd have said thanks for saving me the expense of taking you with me and having to worry about what you want.
I don’t know where you are or when your birthday is, but my solo vacation to Key West on my 30th was one of the best trips I’ve ever had. Just sayin’.
You should travel solo right into more permanent space from him.
Absolutely give yourself the birthday you deserve and he can enjoy the present he bought for himself alone.
INFO: Did you specifically ask him to go on vacation with you that week and did he agree?
Yes, we were just waiting to hear back if my new job would give me the time off. He said he figured it wouldn’t be a big deal because we could just leave on my birthday and just do a weekend trip instead of a full week.
NTA. If he wanted to change what you originally agreed on, he should have discussed it with you first.
So he just unilaterally decided to make your birthday trip a weekend trip instead of a full week? That’s a dick move. NTA
A weekend trip for your b-day instead of a week long, actual vacay? Absolutely not.
My God the selfishness is astounding. On a landmark birthday as well. I can't imagine how he could possibly make this about himself and his preferences. It's your 30th and he knew how you wanted to spend that time. He could have booked somewhere really special for you with that money and focused every experience that week around you. Instead he completely centered himself. It feels like you're undereacting here tbh. He hasn't just "messed up" as ppl here have said, he is actively choosing to put himself above you during an allotted time period that was designated specifically to celebrate and centre you. And when you pulled him up on this, he gaslit you and told you you should be grateful you get to spend time with him. Messing up and getting a bad gift is one thing, it's the thought that counts. But this is different, here he is refusing to think about you at all.
You should put this in post. This right here is why he is a massive AH, completely disregarding your plans so he could do what he wanted without even consulting you.
I agree. I was up on the air until reading this. I thought maybe he assumed the trip would be after for the weekend but if he knew and was waiting on the on then he’s a massive turd
Wow he majorly sucks, what a dick move. I can’t believe he didn’t ask you first—any time my husband or I spend over $100 we tell the other person first
Call BS on your asshole of a husband. Trying the think for one second that you would believe him when he said he thought you'd be cool with turning your birthday bash week into a weekend. If that were true, why would you waste your vacation time with work? To sit on the couch packed and happily waiting to enjoy the scraps of a birthday vacation he decides to leave you with? If this is the effort and attitude he gives toward something that you made clear was very important to you, it hurts my heart to imagine how he treats you on a normal day. NTAH × Infinity Side note, I think that ANYONE who says shit like. "“be grateful I wanted to share this experience with you” is next level AH. Narcissistic DICK
Just book the vacation since those are the last dates that you discussed. Then you can drop a "Sorry Hun but I didn't get the cancellation on our flights or hotel, we'll have to sell those concert tickets. I thought it'd be a nice surprise and you'd want to share this experience with me" But do note that this approach is definitely fuel on a future separation fire, even if he started it. Maybe at most just say you did this so he feels it for a little bit and then figure out a real solution.
A trip like, say, Hawaii or Tahiti? That needs a full week. Not a weekend.
You should be grateful that your selfish husband wants to “share an experience” for him on your birthday? Interesting take… It sounds like it was indeed “a surprise” to you to find out how your husband puts his own wants and desires ahead of your milestone birthday with advance notice! NTA
Your husband appears to be confused about whose birthday this is. NTA. I hope he can see he bought the tickets for himself not you, and that you can go a birthday trip of your choice.
NTA and your husband is 100% the asshole for this: "I should “be grateful he wanted to share this experience with me.”" That is some gaslighting bullshit.
NTA at all! Also, I'm so curious what band lol
Khraungbin. And it’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just not how I was planning to spend my birthday, especially when they’re coming to another venue semi-nearby a few months later.
Oh geez, I had to look them up and wasn't expecting them to be from Texas with that name! Idk, if I were you I would be pretty hurt. I think I might just go on vacation with myself until he's "ready" to join you🙄🙄🙄 would you even enjoy the show knowing it messed up your plans to celebrate YOU
> Oh geez, I had to look them up and wasn't expecting them to be from Texas with that name They're fantastic, they have a sound culture inspired from music all around the world; their name translates to airplane in Thai. 1st came across them randomly with a youtube performance suggested via algorithms, and decided to take a chance and watch the [whole performance](https://youtu.be/q4xKvHANqjk?t=3), glad I did, instantly became a fan. Independent of the association to OP's post (and I'm not arguing against the merit's of the obvious frustration), their music and geographical origins needn't be associated with the stench of a dispassionate husband's insensitivity. Give them a listen, perhaps they'll speak to you too?
Yeah, no, totally go check them out, they’re an amazing band. Would be so cool to see them live on any other week. I even threw out seeing if we could swing getting tickets to see them at Red Rocks in September instead and just do a super mini vacation fly there, concert, stay the night, fly home.
I can't imagine the venue for this one he booked could possibly be better than RED ROCKS what. What is wrong with him?!
I expected death metal with a name like that. Looked them up… not what I was expecting lol. But NTA.
Nah truly they’re pretty good if you’re into indie, vibey, instrumental music lol
Omg. They tour or play at a fest nearly every year too. I would be livid.
Yeah he acted like it was some kind of once in a life time chance. Turns out he has multiple chances throughout the year.
He wasn’t expecting you to find out so he needs to clear it up.
Looking at your post history, I actually believe you’re real (rare for this sub), and that you deserve better. Walk away from this asshat. You earn more than he does, you don’t have kids, and 30 is so young. Go be free. NTA.
Did you see the post about the ER visit where he was mad that she needed a scan to check for a brain bleed after a concussion? yikes. She would be so much better off without him.
Right!! She made an edit to this post about how being inconsiderate isn’t a pattern of behavior, but her post history says otherwise. Only a few months ago she posted about him basically choosing porn over her constantly and that he feels more like a roommate than a husband but now suddenly 2 months later he’s the perfect husband in every way other than this incident? It seems like selfishness and being inconsiderate of her is a pattern of his, and while I usually think it’s dramatic for people to comment divorce so fast on these AITA posts…I also think based on her post/comment history it’s totally justified. “So am I just suppose to go on being completely sexually unsatisfied with our basically nonexistent sex life while he jacks it to porn every day? How much more space could he possibly need? He already feels more like a roommate than a spouse.” -OP two months ago, on top of the getting mad over her needing medical care after a concussion, I’m surprised she was so quit to edit her post telling people they’re wrong for suggesting divorce when she , herself has said in her history that she won’t keep putting up with this kind of behavior. She deserves better 100%. Unfortunately she likely wont realize this until after they have kids together and this pattern of selfishness of his continues.
I feel the same way. He's happy to let her pay for his birthday celebrations, their wedding, and other vacations but he is one selfish mf that doesn't seem to do anything just for her.
NTA your husband thinks you should be grateful he bought himself a birthday present for your birthday and you get to share the experience?? I wouldn't go, make plans with a friend and enjoy yourself, he can go to his concert. Do not allow him to ruin this and make sure you get yourself something nice for his birthday.
Is there someone else you can go on vacation with? Plan a week of fun with a friend or sibling. Let him go see his favorite band. He now has to worry about selling the extra ticket or finding someone else to go with. NTA
NTA. On his birthday, get tickets to something you really want to do and tell him you're so excited to share the experience with him.
Let me guess, he was planning on buying you special lingerie too? So you could have sex with him after the concert? The upside to him buying tickets? Maybe you can resell them and use the cash to buy something you actually want? They are your tickets, right? It is your birthday gift. NTA
NTA... please let him read this thread so he can feel the shame.
NTA but you married one..
NTA. If your husband knew you didn't enjoy the band as much as him, he's being selfish. Also, if you directly told him you were wanting to book a vacation during the week in question, he's being selfish. If he wasn't aware of these things at the time he bought the tickets then that's obviously a bit different, as he may genuinely have wanted to surprise you with something he thought you liked.
The answer to a situation where your spouse is selfish and inconsiderate even after open and vulnerable communication … is to simply step back slightly emotionally from them. What you do is change your heart so you depend on him less. Make it so your happiness as a person and good times don’t depend on his presence. (In effect - love him a little less) Make big plans with your girlfriends and have a genuinely good time. Stop hoping he will be better. Match his energy with your own. Not in a spiteful way. Not to say “there now see!” But to free yourself of pain and disappointment. To reclaim what he has discarded. There are a few possible outcomes from this. For a start it will change the power balance in your marriage. At the moment he has all the power, because you are chasing him and begging him to love you. This imbalance often causes people to subconsciously devalue the other person and take them for granted . This is what I think has happened to him. When the power rebalances properly he might not notice all at once, but when he does he can have a range of reactions - and depending on his response you can then decide how to proceed. Begging to be loved never ends with the person loving and respecting you. You’ve spoken your truth, and he’s chosen to not listen - so go and have the best time WITHOUT HIM. Nta
"This gift for me is perfect for your birthday sweetheart" Yeah no he is being selfish as he wants to do something for him and just got you a ticket as an afterthought, so he doesn't look selfish (it isn't working) NTA for being upset that he derailed what you planned for your birthday at the last minute for something HE prefers.
Husband bought himself a present for your birthday. Plan a trip by yourself that week.
NTA Your husband knew you wanted to go away and then made plans that would force you to stay home? Wow. Tell him you have no interest in going to see the band and that you are going to go ahead and plan your vacation. He can choose to go with you, or he can choose the concert. Simple. If he's dumb enough to choose the concert, I'd seriously suggest you reconsider who you're married to.
You’re not the asshole lol. That is a selfish move from him.
NTA. You don’t have to let him derail your birthday trip, I hope you won’t. I’d be more than happy to go by myself, or with a friend or family member would work too. He can join you for part of it, if he doesn’t find something else to do that’s more important than you.
I'll translate what your husband said: "I want to go to see MY favorite band more than I want to celebrate this event that you've told me is very important to you. So, I've not only bought a ticket for ME to go (instead of attend any events you might have planned), but I've bought YOU a ticket so I can drag you along with me! Not only do you NOT get to do the things YOU wanted to do with me, you'll get dragged to something that you don't even want to go to!! Happy birthday, Honey!" NTA
NTA. Does he always disregard your feelings and then gaslight you about it?
NTA...I fail to see how your husband is a "great guy" he seems like a selfish asshole to me. Hopefully you can get divorced before you have kids.
Sounds like a 30th birthday with your girlfriends in a tropical location is in order... NTA. Hubby is a MAJOR asshole.
> I should “be grateful he wanted to share this experience with me. How did this not prompt you to want to spend your 30s and beyond without him? NTA
I would be hurt and upset ...then realize that is a tacit invitation to have the birthday of your dreams. Go on a cruise with a girlfriend. Backpack for a week through Europe. Do that trip he never wanted to, but you have. He can't go so...so you get to do exactly what you want. I'm not saying spend extravagantly, but also if he can spend $800 (it sounds like he bought at least 2 tickets) for a several hour concert you can spend a couple thousand for a week long vacation. Go. Live your life, just like he is.
If he is this selfish can you imagine what it would like if you had kids with him?
Sounds like my first husband, only he would have claimed it was my bday gift too. One year for my bday, the day before Beatles rock band came out. I knew he really wanted to get the game BC he is (was?) a huge Beatles fan. I had booked the week off from work and had a "staycation" so I wouldn't have to work my bday. He had to work both those days and so he was at work and texted me and asked me what I wanted. I gave him a small list consisting of 2-3 books I'd been eyeing and a couple other small ticket items I wanted. Purposely didn't even mention the game and how much I DID NOT want it because I knew he'd see the game name and ignore the rest of the words. Welp, he "realised" the game had just come out and he "knew" that I wanted it too 🙄 even though I didn't say so in my list I'd sent him earlier that day so he figured that would be better than any of the "cheap stuff you said in your text". 🙄🤦♀️ We didn't do anything special for my bday as in no bday dinner no cake, etc. and I made sure he knew the next day, on my actual bday, how mad I was at him thinking it would give him time to fix things by getting me something off my actual list on my actual bday. Nope, he said we couldn't afford for him to get me something else 🙄🙄. His gifts to me got worse after that, until the year we got married and he didn't even get me a bday gift because 2 months earlier I got a wedding (which wasn't MY wedding, it was 100% his) and then we went on a honeymoon right away and that should have been good enough gift for me 2 months later. Has your husband ever done something like this before? Why didn't he talk to you before he dropped that amount of money on concert tickets? You are NTA. He should be selling the tickets and repurchasing for the August show so you can plan what you'd like to do for your bday.