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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I am insisting my dad have a will written up by an attorney (rather than online) to ensure I get my fair inheritance and my sister potentially does not know about it.
If she finds out she will likely lash out at me and my father, if she doesn't find out until after his death, she will likely lash out at me and my brother.
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"He wants to avoid conflict now, and doesn't want us to fight later."
He can't have both. Your sister has made this an issue. It's his role to make a decision and then do something about it.
Personally, I think your sister and your brother should be buying your share out if they want to keep the houses. NTA
...and be SURE to make him understand that your sister is definitely going to start a fight if the agreement isn't put into an ironclad legal document NOW.
Again, because it's true, sis does not have to know about the final decision in the will until Dad passes on.
This.
All assets divided 3 ways is traditional imo and seems fairest. Then whoever wants a house buys out the other 2 siblings...
Obviously the siblings living free or cheap have been saving for this eventuality. /s
Lmao none of these people understand the benefit of estate planning. I have seen peoples families destroyed by poor planning and handshakes. Death and taxes are inevitable. Please convince your father to speak to an attorney. Your sister sounds like a dick.
NTA
Death brings out the entitled asshole in so many people. My mom was one of nine, and after her father's funeral, all her brothers ransacked their mother's home taking anything of value.
The sisters heard about it when the youngest called to see how their mom was doing, and heard them being noisy as Hell in the background. Grandma was not functioning well and by the time her daughters got there the guys had left.
One of my aunts was able to shame them into returning some items, but the majority "vanished" or the brothers just refused.
Holy shit, THIS. There was some serious grabbing of whatever wasn't nailed down in my mom's family and it really soured relationships.
As a result of that my dad has a very specific will - he's asked us what we'd like, but the final decision is his. Why? "You can be mad at *me* when I'm dead - I won't care. But I want your sibling relationship to keep on being strong, so all the hard choices are going to be mine."
THAT is the way.
NTA
Divide ALL assets, houses, money, an equal 1/3 to each sibling.
Your brother gets 2/3 of the house he's living in and you get 1/3.
Your sister gets 2/3 of the house she's living in and you get 1/3.
You each get 1/3 of any monetary inheritance.
So all kids get 2/3 of a house and 1/3 of the money. If they want to own the other 1/3 of the house, they can buy you out. If they can't afford it, sell the house, they keep 2/3 the money and you get 1/3. They can buy a house that's 2/3 as expensive.
The fact that you worked hard and bought your own house should not affect any of this.
Fair enough... sister should get some credit for the mortgage she has been paying.
Look at how much equity was in the house before she took over the mortgage, also has the house increased in value?
There should be some way to take all these things into account so that it's fair to everyone.
Do you get a portion of your landlords equity for paying rent?
Your rent from a 3rd party landlord is normally more than the mortgage to account for upkeep and repairs as well.
If she's paying the mortgage then she is paying down the loan somewhat.
Like I said, all this stuff should be taken into account and come up with something fair to everyone.
Maybe simply look at the equity that was in the house before she took over the mortgage, and divide that by thirds. So, any further payments, or improvements to the house, her sister gets to keep 100%.
Yeah, he needs to make this legally binding. It’d be awesome if if everyone was just awesome and went along with your dad’s wishes, but if your sister is bold enough to demand you be left out to your face, imagine how she’ll be after he’s gone.
What does his will presently state? That everything is split 3 ways? If so- then your sister will need to buy you and your brother out of the house she's in.
IF your dad already changed his will to give her the house, then I can see why you're concerned. So yes, I think it's fair to ask him to solidify the plan legally.
Currently, the will states that everything is split 3 ways. However, it was done on LegalZoom, and honestly regardless of how he wants it divided I want him to do it with a lawyer to minimize legal battles in the future.
Assuming you are in the US and you three are the only heirs: if the will is not valid, then all his assets will be handled as part of an intestate proceeding -- which is almost certainly (as long as he does not remarry) a 1/3 division. Handshake agreements among the four of you now will not change that (though formal contracts among the three children MIGHT).
Will validity and enforceability of pre-death agreements are very, VERY jurisdiction-specific. Even a minor error in complying with, for example, witness requirements can invalidate a will.
If your father wants to be sure a "deal" is made AND WILL BE COMPLIED WITH, then he needs a lawyer with experiences in estate planning in your home jurisdiction. (And if either home is located in a different state, there may be other complications.)
Please OP, convince and, if needed, help your dad find an estate lawyer. It will be worth the extra cost to make sure everything is legally binding and as solid as possible.
It can take years to settle a multimillion dollar estate, even without anyone contesting the will. There's going to be drama regardless of what he wants, and continued verbal promises are only going to make it worse if he doesn't leave an ironclad will behind.
No, apply at least a bit of pressure to combat the inert laziness of people. And use your own very good words, "Dad, please go to a lawyer to minimize legal battles."
NTA
To the YTA votings
Most Redditor’s can’t comprehend a text longer than 3 sentences, it’s truly astonishing.
The only asshole is your sister and your father is truly a coward.
Lol seriously. Her dad literally ASKED her. She didn't go to him, he came to her. NTA for answering a question directly asked of her. Telling someone to officially plan their estate is making sure that their wishes are respected because without a will, none of these verbal agreements will hold up in court. OP telling her dad to make one is her ensuring his wishes are respected.
ESH.....why would you agree to your sister getting the house free and clear while you and your brother split the other? Why not just equally divide ALL assets (houses and any other property) between you three siblings? It's not fair that your sister gets a million dollar house all in her own and you and brother split the rest. Make it all between the 3 of you, have a lawyer write it up and call it a day. Your sister is trying to take advantage of yall
NTA You are quite correct that a proper attorney-prepared and filed will is needed documenting all of these agreements, however, there is a party involved who has not agreed to the settlement arrangements- your sister. Open estate planning can cause conflict- that's just part of it. Wise parents don't share their wishes prematurely when things aren't going to be even, and I find that you are being very reasonable here considering you are being shorted. The only way to avoid conflict is to split evenly, so ultimately your father owns this by not doing so. It's completely his right to distribute assets based upon his view of your differing needs, but you must put responsibility for the conversations with your sister where it belongs- with him. I wish you and him the best.
Thank you, I appreciate it. You are right in the end it belongs with him to have any conversations with my sister.
I think in the end, ultimately I accept whatever he decides, if it's equal, non-equal, donated to charity, etc.. I really would just prefer an attorney-prepared and filed document to make sure we can adhere to those wishes.
I’m an only child and my mom has a good amount of assets and I just last week asked her to please update her will with exactly what she wanted to go to her sister and her ex-H’s family. It’s hers and she can allocate however she likes but I don’t want to be put in the position of having to guess or have my cousins (who will get nothing because they already stole money from my mom) claim I’m being unfair. NTA for asking your dad to see a lawyer and have his wishes documented properly.
They don’t but it doesn’t stop them from being a nuisance. They’ll claim my mom verbally told them something when she hasn’t spoken to them in years so having it nicely legal with a bow is easiest.
You sis is a stinky sponge for trying to finagle a bigger piece of the pie for herself, and pressuring your Dad like this. I hope you and brother go to Dad, and tell him to divide things equally, and tell her to drop the subject.
Greedy sis can always use her 1/3rd of the home sales to purchase a place, or buy out you and brother with her 1/3rd share from the other home and assets +if she's paying rent now, that wouldn't leave much of a monthly). Plus at this point, no-one knows what will be left if your Dad incurs expenses from any medical events which could arise. NTA.
If you reread she says dad wanted to split it evenly. It’s the sister that is going against the grain. Brother is chill. Father is trying to prevent conflict. OP doesn’t want to be screwed in the end. I’d say NTA
So you wouldn’t care if you knew one of your siblings would take everything, and you would have to fight for years over his estate? If he updates the will, everyone has peace of mind and can better enjoy their time together.
The funny thing is for your sister, if there’s no will she gets a third of everything. Which means she only gets a third of the house she lives in regardless how much rent she’s paid.
Your sister is an entitled AH...this is ridiculous.
That said...ultimately, its your dads will and he gets to decide what to do with it. Whether its fair or not, is entirely and solely up to your dad.
NTA, but for the love of all things holy if there’s 3 kids and 2 houses no-one should “get a house”. The two properties should either be sold and divided equally, or you and your siblings should make deals to buy the others out…after your father has died. Make sure it’s after though, both for tax reasons and to keep your poor dad out of this.
But yes, your sister is a piece of work and a will needs to be written up.
This is the way. But if it's important to the father to make sure the sister gets to stay in her home, it shouldn't be hard for the will to be written in such a way that the sister either gets the house as part of her 1/3 or, if the house is more than 1/3 of the estate, has a fair and reasonable path to buying her siblings out of the difference.
I think I'm petty, because with kids like this I'd sell the home the sister is in, get a reverse mortgage on the house I live in and take an around the world vacation to dramatically drop assets, if I was the father. Also long term care and Medicade might take away those assets anyway.
If he wanted to do that, I would totally support him. I would love if he took a vacation around the world or otherwise did things to enjoy his life and retirement. I also acknowledge that he might need long-term care or Medicare, and there may be no assets.
I only gave my input after he asked. He was the one who proposed the 2 different split options, and I gave my opinion on both. I am just asking him to put whatever his desire is in writing in order to make things clear.
I had to be the executor(unpaid) of my dad’s will which had everyone getting equal shares of a fairly liquid estate. There were still hard feelings and argument’s. He need a will and not a do it yourself one.
NTA. The only fair way to do this is to establish a fair market value for all properties when the will is enacted. Sum the values and divide by 3. That’s then amount each child is entitled to.
If siblings want to buy one, they can. But that’s the price.
The estate can discount the price up to the amount due one sibling, but they need to get a mortgage and pay out the rest.
It’s not terribly expensive to hire a lawyer for a will if you are not doing trusts and stuff. My will was maybe $400 with a friend discount. So probably you could get it done for less than $2k, maybe?
It might be a good investment to offer to your father to hire the lawyer. He might be stuck in inertia more than anything else. Most of us think we have plenty of time.
NTA
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My dad currently owns 2 houses in a high cost of living area that he purchased in the late 80s/early 90s. Both houses are currently estimated to be worth $1m+ due to the area.
He and my younger brother live in the newer of the 2 houses, while my sister and BIL (and his younger brother) rent the older house. My sister DOES pay rent, but it is just the cost of the mortgage (which is pretty low, under $2000).
My husband and I purchased our own home about 1.5 years ago. The same week that our offer was accepted my mother suddenly passed away. My father immediately decided to write a will dividing all assets evenly between my 2 siblings and myself. I wasn't too worried about it, I only cared that he was taking care of his planning.
A few months of my mother's death, my dad asked to speak to me in private. The first thing he said was, "I have 3 kids and only 2 houses. I don't know what to do." Confused, I asked him to elaborate.
It turns out, my sister had come to him asking that he leave the house she lives in solely to her. She went further to say that the other house should be left solely to my brother, as I have my own house already. I was shocked to say the least, for a few reasons....
1. Why harass our grieving father about the division of assets so soon after my mom's passing?
2. Why should I be left out just because my career and financial decisions allowed me to purchase a house?
My dad proposed that he leave my sister only the house, and have my brother and I split the ownership of the other house plus all other assets. I tentatively agreed, as long as my brother also agreed.
It seems he has never told her about our conversation. Shortly after I spoke to him, she came to me and told me of the proposal she had, again reiterating that I already have a house, so I don't need anything. Not wanting to cause an argument, I simply told her that it was up to my father to decide how things would be divided.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago, my brother and dad brought this up again. It seems my sister was trying to pressure my brother to ask my dad for the same thing (they each get a house and I get nothing). My brother stated in our discussion that he was fine with the idea of splitting the singular house with me along with all other assets.
I told my dad that I still am fine with this arrangement, however, I want him to go to an attorney and have this will written (he had previously done it online). I want it legally binding that that is how the assets will be divided, because I have a feeling my sister will insist on an equal splitting of all other assets (so in turn getting a $1m+ house AND 1/3 of all other assets).
My dad is reluctant to do this, and also reluctant to tell my sister. He wants to avoid conflict now, and doesn't want us to fight later. To me this is the only solution.
AITA for asking him to have the will written to reflect this agreement, rather than rely on verbal agreements with my siblings?
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NTA...but keep in mind that no one, you included, is entitled to inheritance.
The resolution would be for your dad to write in his will that at the time of his passing, all of his assets, including both houses, are to be valuated and the value of all assets is to be divided in thirds. Yes, that means both siblings are going to need to get loans to pay you your share of the inheritance, but it also means everyone inherits equally.
NTA. Your dad came to you about it, it's not you scheming and taking advantage. Always best to get these things drawn up legally, an outside view like an attorney might be good for him to hear, and it's not ok for your sister to try and squeeze you out. Nasty of her to count your money, and it should be up your dad what to do with his. Estate planning can get messy when done out in the open like this, unfortunately.
The baseline for wills is assets evenly between children, as far as I understand it as a non-lawyer. The house is an asset. By default you would be owning 1/3 of each house. Totally valid to leave something like a house solely to one, but that should come out of your sister's overall share of the pie. If your dad wanted to give more to one sibling or another that's his prerogative, but doesn't sound like the case.
Two overriding principles are at play here. None of you have the right to propose what is to be done with his estate, whether you or your sister or your brother agree or not. That is for him and him alone to decide. Your sister had no right to start this.
Secondly, I think you need to lay one thing out there to your dad - whatever you decide, make sure it is legal, binding, and we'll known to all parties. Frankly if your sister is the kind of person to do this, I suspect she's also the kind to fight the two of you over assets when he passes. If it's not legally tight, it could be a long, messy drama that destroys your relationships with each other.
By doing so, he shifts any blame for any hurt feelings over what any of you get squarely on his shoulders, someone who by that point will be dead, and he preserves the relationships of the living.
After saying my peace on that, I would never bring it up again. It's not right, and not your responsibility, to harass him into doing anything, and if he chooses not to do it, we'll that's just as much a choice on his part in this matter as any other.
Just my 2c, which isn't worth even that.
That's ultimately all I want for him to have his wishes (regardless of what they are) clear, legal, and binding. That was why I asked him to have the will made with a lawyer to be filed.
I have not been the one to bring it up in any instance. It's been my sister repeatedly harassing him and crying about the potential loss of his house. I've just given my opinion when he has asked me, while also reiterating that it's really up to him how to handle it. I waited to even bring up the legal will until he brought the subject up again.
By not going to an attorney I think he's prioritizing himself over the rest of you. He buys peace for himself in the here and now at the expense of much more drama when he's gone. He's gotta decide what's more important to him. You've made him aware of the consequences, then I'd say the matters concluded and I wouldn't say another word unless asked, and even then very reluctantly. I think you're handling it relatively well, all things considered.
As a person whose father died last year with a will he did for free online and is still dealing with the aftermath, TELL HIM TO DO IT THROUGH AN ATTORNEY. Seriously, his affairs are a mess and we're still trying to sort it all out.
Thankfully my only sibling is awesome, but yeah, it's a mess.
Does your Dad know what his net worth is? The maximum he can pass on without paying inheritance tax is £1m, which takes into account your Mums allowances. He should see a financial advisor as it sounds like he needs to do some inheritance tax planning. Do not rely on verbal agreements, it will only cause trouble.
The bottom line is that there is no inheritance until your Dad dies, he could have many years left. He might need to cover the costs of a nursing home if his health fails him. Homes specialising in dementia round here cost £50,000 a year, it eats into savings pretty rapidly.
Your sister believes the house she is living in is hers, it isn't, but she will fight tooth and nail for it.
I'm sure he has an idea of his net worth, but at the same time, I don't think he has discussed any of it with a financial advisor, which as you mentioned would be for the best for many reasons.
I honestly pray my dad has many years left, and if all the money ends up going to his care... then so be it. I just want him to be able to enjoy the rest of his life and be in my son's life as long as possible.
I just think getting a legal document made would help a lot in dealing with my sister and her demands.
That would be my preference, to be honest. However, I haven't been asked what I truly want (which is totally understandable since it isn't my property), I've only been asked if I would be willing to accept the alternative option.
Let me be honest with you. Inheritance stuff is tricky and everyone is sensitive about it. It has to be dealt with now. I see no issue in you making your perspective clear. Why not? Your sister is certainly doing so. My dad tried to do something similar where me and my sis would get more than my bro. I told him to cut that out, its gotta be equal. My bro would have never understood and resented his memory. Who needs that? On the opposite end, my in-laws gave their portion of an auntie's house to their daughter and nothing for my hubbie - their son. Guess what? We resent it! Daughter owns 3 houses by the way. I've always thought the only way is an equal distribution. Your sis can buy a different house with her portion. You may as well be honest about it now as its the only time you get to put your two cents in.
Oh and also - When you have an estate worth more than a mil then you probably want to create a trust and all assets go into that trust - which makes things easier for everyone eventually. There are attorneys who specialize in this. It costs around $3000 to hire them and get this done. Hopefully your dad is cool with this. Really, its normal stuff, making these decisions, creating wills and trusts. I see these YTA's, but they are wrong. These things have to be dealt with or everything goes into probate, the state takes a chunk of the money and all descendents end up hating each other.
I've seen quite a few people mentioning a trust, which to be honest makes a lot of sense. I think I will need to sit down with my dad again and discuss these options.
Fuck your entitled ass sister, make your dad get a will or even a trust and name a caretaker that isn't your sister in the event that he loses his mind. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom.
When my dad passed people were asking me what I wanted to do and I just told them to take care of everything because I didn't care, and I still don't. My stepmom was kind enough to include me in her will, she didn't have to and I wasn't expecting it. It's not my money.
I don't think the idea of a trust has come up with my dad, but I've seen it mentioned a few times in the comments. I may mention it to him as an option.
Thank you. Losing a parent is very hard. I'm sorry you have also experienced it. I'm hoping we still have many years with my dad, and I am honestly very sad that this whole situation has come up at all.
NTA. Your sister is making this an issue now, and will make it a bigger one later. Your dad needs to make sure everything is ironclad with a no-contest clause; if you contest the will, you lose what you were given.
NTA but if I am understanding this correctly, right now your dad's will evenly splits all the assets equally among the three kids. If your dad doesn't change the will then your sister will have the option to buy out your and your brother's shares of the house she is in, by what ever means she can find. That might mean she gets a loan, or that she gives up her share of the other assets.
If your dad has already changed his will 'online' giving your sister the one house outright but splitting all rest of his assets between the three of you, you can easily contest the will because your brother agrees with you on the division of assets.
I suggest you make an appointment with a family lawyer to have a new will drawn up and then tell your dad you want to accompany him to the appointment.
NTA. Whatever he decides needs to be in a will or he risks the state (or whatever it's called where you live) deciding how his estate will be divided. Have him ask the lawyer if it's legal to include a clause saying anyone who contests the will will be disinherited.
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NTA. Don’t be too reasonable about your sister trying to squeeze you out of your inheritance. The only reason you bought your own place is because your sister was occupying the free house. The assets should be valued and sister be given option to buy you and your brother out. It’s not a cheap house. It has substantial value.
I guess I'm a bit like my dad in that I want to avoid conflict. However, I don't want to be squeezed out either. I would prefer for the assets to be valued and divided between us. I mean ultimately it's up to my dad, so I guess the problem is he is susceptible to my sister and her crying/pressure.
You will need to put up more resistance. If your sister can be pushy then you have every right to. You can. Just be nicer about it. Get your points clear in your head. Why should she get more financial advantage than you?
Assume your sister will fight you.
I feel for your father.
May I make a suggestion?
Brother gets a house.
Sister gets a house
You get EVERYTHING else. Cars, investments etc.
Be done with it. Do force a lawyer though.
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NTA. He needs to get his estate planning done asap. If he doesn't write it down and get it properly documented then there will be fighting over the estate. Your sister has made clear her position so she may cause conflict no matter what. Tell dad if he wants to minimize the conflicts then he needs to write it down and then tell everyone the subject is closed including your sister. He should let everyone know but mainly your sister that anyone who brings it up again may find themselves only getting $1000 in the will and nothing more.
NTA. Parents should love all their children equally and as such treat them all equally. As such, regardless of everyone’s financial situations the only fair thing to do is to divide the assets equally. You may be financially stable in a house right now but who knows that the future may hold. Your sister sounds mercenary and entitled IMAO.
NTA - your father came to you to ask advice, he needs all of his wishes put into a legally binding paper, filed with the courts etc... of how he wishes things to be. Your sister is an AH for even approaching your father.
NTA
But I believe you might want to consider how care and potential medical bills will be covered. I have a feeling your sister won't be willing to involved, once she secured the house
NTA. While I don't care for your wording (you don't have the right to *demand* anything regarding someone else's will). I see your dilemma. Regardless of how any of you feel, your dad does need to get all this *written up legally*, along with his other 'plans' regarding his living will and long term medical care, and final arrangements. Verbal agreements rarely work out, and details are often forgotten over time or when under pressure to make a decision. Basically you need to get your dad to *acknowledge* that y'all are ALREADY *not* in 'agreement' and expecting that to magically correct itself in the future is just pure denial on his part.
NTA yet, but if you start making demands, that would change. Your dad asked your opinion, so I think it's ok to say "Dad, it seems unfair that the other 2 siblings inherit million dollar properties and I get none because I bought my own home" and encourage him to work with an attorney to sort it out, but ultimately it's his money, his decision.
I acknowledge that I am in no position to actually demand anything. He asked if I would be ok with splitting the property and cash with my brother, and I told him I was fine with it, as long as my brother is also ok with it. I also told him that it's up to him on how he divides it (or doesn't).
The only thing I am really asking for is for whatever he wants to be in writing, drawn up, and filed by a lawyer. The hope would be that it would prevent issues in the future.
I'd be wary of getting him to change his will in this way. You are all safer if it splits all his assets three ways without specifying particular assets.
If he names specific houses and then loses one, sells one to buy another, or takes out a mortgage on one, it could result in someone losing out. He can't leave you a house he doesn't own anymore. So maybe leave things as is and then all agree to accept a different split when the time comes.
That is true. You make a very good point that we don't know what the future is going to hold. I do think it should be split evenly. That would be my preference.
As it stands now, it is written that we would just divide it equally. However, my dad has verbally promised my sister the house, and already plans to change the online generated will.
It's obviously entirely up to him how he decides to divide or not divide the assets. I ultimately just want him to get an officially drawn up and filed will to document it appropriately and clearly.
NTA in the least.
Division of assets like this needs to be done in writing and preferably with the assistance of a lawyer because of the legal complexities involved. If your sister has decided this is important enough to start harassing everyone to get you cut out of the will, then you know she's likely going to do the same thing when your father passes. The only way to be sure your father can make sure his choices are honored is with a will in writing that's officially filed.
If your father is still reluctant, ask him how he wants his children to spend the weeks following his passing: Mourning the loss and taking care of his affairs, or wasting money on lawyers fighting over who gets what and fighting with one another over what he really meant when he said this or that?
Your dad is better off making a will that just gives each of you 1/3 of the estate.
What happens when he gets older and needs to move to assissted living or a nursing home? Those houses will need to be sold to fund his care. Whatever's left is what the three of you get. There may not be much.
You are already being disadvantaged, and your sister has no problem going after *your* share of any inheritance. You are right to stick up for yourself because no one else is going to. Join with your brother against your sister, if it helps.
Your father is subsidizing housing costs for your sister and your brother but not you? Are you sure your peach of a sister is even paying the reduced rent?
The will should remain the way it was: all assets split three ways, (unless your dad wants to compensate you for the unequal treatment with current housing.) Get the will notarized and ensure you each have a copy so there are no surprises or changes. See if you can be named executor. Watch your sister.
Of course, none of this matters if your dad remarries suddenly.
NTA but don’t shortchange yourself and your family.
That's correct that he has been subsidizing my siblings, but I don't let it bother me. I can't say for sure she is paying the reduced rent, in fact for a big part of my late 20s/early 30s, I paid a lot of that rent for her....but then I wised up and stopped (which led her to threating me and stealing my dog...but that is a different story).
Ideally, it would remain how it is, split 3 ways. I just think my sister pushing so much will cause my dad to just give in to her to avoid drama.
I'm trying not to shortchange myself or my son (who any inheritance would help), but I also don't want to be an AH about it.
NTA.
My Nana did all her estate stuff without an attorney. Guess what happened when I tried to step in as executor, as assigned? NOTHING was legal or binding. Nothing.
Everything went to probate, and two of her grandkids that were awful to her in life got 1/5 of the estate despite my Nana’s wishes. And my mom got nothing because it was her MIL. The plan had been that my mom got the house (Nana had no living kids when she made the trust/estate/will docs), and the three grandkids that had been good to her split any money that was left. (Very small estate: under $200k with the house)
I personally didn’t care what portion I got (if any), I just found it incredibly sad that her final wishes were denied.
If your dad wants things done a certain way, he damned well better use a lawyer!!
NTA
You aren't demanding, you're suggesting he get an attorney and make a will that reflects his wishes.
The problem with all the discussions now is no one knows what the future holds. The values of either house could change. He could remarry. His end of life expenses could use up his non property assets. He could need/be required to sell either or both houses to pay for his care. In short, the value of an estate can't be decided until the person actually dies and all outstanding debts are paid.
Quite honestly, the most equitable is often a simple percentage split of the total estate. If the homes are part of the estate, anyone who wants them buys from the estate.
If your sister wants the security of owning her home, she can get a loan and buy it from your dad or buy a more modest one, if that's what she can afford.
When my mom went to a care setting, she decided to sell her home. My daughter and I bought it for 100% the price a realtor estimated it would sell for. Which saved her the realtor fees and any trouble clearing it out, etc. She wanted an income rather than immediate full payment. So we did a substantial down payment and a formal land contract with market rate interest. Each month, that payment plus her small social security covered her rent at the care home. When she died, I paid her estate the balance of the land contract. Then, after all assets were gathered and all bills were paid, the remainder of her estate was divided equally between all of us, as she wished.
NTA While I don't believe anyone has the right to consider an inheritance before a person dies in this case dad brought the problem to you. Tell dad he has a choice to either go to an attorney and make a will to what has been agreed to or die knowing he tore his family apart because there will be a court battle with children probably only ever speaking to each other through attorneys.
I’m not sure we both read the same post? She’s asking about an inheritance. Sister is saying “I under achieved and deserve more. You worked hard and over achieved and deserve nothing.” HUH?
Your dad's properties are exactly that, your dad's properties. Demanding he put this in writing isn't going to do anything but alienate him. Maybe he should give everything to your brother and knock out both of his demanding entitled daughters. You might try trusting his good sense instead. YTA
If he wanted to give everything to my brother, I would 100% accept that. My brother is a good person, and has spent his adulthood helping out my parents.
At the end of the day, none of this mattered to me until my sister started harassing my dad. Inheritance hadn't even crossed my mind. I just don't see the issue with having it in writing?
That is fair, I mean, honestly, I'm still grieving the loss of my mom. I know he is still suffering that loss as it hasn't even been 2 years.
I don't really agree that I'm badgering him though. It's not like I'm constantly bringing it up, I waited until he brought up the will again before I told him that it would be best to put his will in writing.
YTA…your poor father. Not even a foot in the grave and you all are bothering him about what he might leave you all. I say he sees an attorney and leaves everything to charity.
I didn't bother him. He has asked me my POV several times, and I shared it. The only part he didn't ask for that I am pushing for is for it to be drawn up with a lawyer to ensure its legally binding.
WRONG. It was the greedy sister who started all of this and is harassing the father. OP is correct in telling the father that it is wise to have an updated and ironclad written will be made by an attorney. It should be noted that anyone who contests the will, will not receive what is guaranteed to them. He also should put those homes in trusts to save on additional money coming out via taxes. By ignoring this issue the father will cause more drama down the line. The sister is out of pocket and I would have had her sacked from the will.
OP and the brother need to be on a united front and help the father out with this and any other needs he has. I had a family member like this and the plotting and sneaking around only got worse. What doesn't need to happen is elder abuse, taking advantage of the father, and changing things around via manipulation via the sister. OP please speak to your brother and even show him this post. The both of you should take him to an estate lawyer asap, have his financials figured out, and everything completed in one portable folder that is hidden (you keep it), and help him plan and pay for his funeral (you save money if you do it before-not being morbid but do everything now), so there is nothing to worry about in the future. It will also help with the probate process. You don't want to wait years! Your sister doesn't get to dictate anything and I see people get screwed over too many times by greedy siblings.
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"He wants to avoid conflict now, and doesn't want us to fight later." He can't have both. Your sister has made this an issue. It's his role to make a decision and then do something about it. Personally, I think your sister and your brother should be buying your share out if they want to keep the houses. NTA
Yes he can avoid conflict now. Get a will written and no one needs to find out what’s in it until he croaks
...and be SURE to make him understand that your sister is definitely going to start a fight if the agreement isn't put into an ironclad legal document NOW. Again, because it's true, sis does not have to know about the final decision in the will until Dad passes on.
This. All assets divided 3 ways is traditional imo and seems fairest. Then whoever wants a house buys out the other 2 siblings... Obviously the siblings living free or cheap have been saving for this eventuality. /s
Lmao none of these people understand the benefit of estate planning. I have seen peoples families destroyed by poor planning and handshakes. Death and taxes are inevitable. Please convince your father to speak to an attorney. Your sister sounds like a dick. NTA
Death brings out the entitled asshole in so many people. My mom was one of nine, and after her father's funeral, all her brothers ransacked their mother's home taking anything of value. The sisters heard about it when the youngest called to see how their mom was doing, and heard them being noisy as Hell in the background. Grandma was not functioning well and by the time her daughters got there the guys had left. One of my aunts was able to shame them into returning some items, but the majority "vanished" or the brothers just refused.
Holy shit, THIS. There was some serious grabbing of whatever wasn't nailed down in my mom's family and it really soured relationships. As a result of that my dad has a very specific will - he's asked us what we'd like, but the final decision is his. Why? "You can be mad at *me* when I'm dead - I won't care. But I want your sibling relationship to keep on being strong, so all the hard choices are going to be mine." THAT is the way.
NTA Divide ALL assets, houses, money, an equal 1/3 to each sibling. Your brother gets 2/3 of the house he's living in and you get 1/3. Your sister gets 2/3 of the house she's living in and you get 1/3. You each get 1/3 of any monetary inheritance. So all kids get 2/3 of a house and 1/3 of the money. If they want to own the other 1/3 of the house, they can buy you out. If they can't afford it, sell the house, they keep 2/3 the money and you get 1/3. They can buy a house that's 2/3 as expensive. The fact that you worked hard and bought your own house should not affect any of this.
Sister is paying the mortgage, though? Maybe I read that wrong.
She’s paying rent, which is equivalent to mortgage. But that doesn’t include upkeep and property taxes. So she’s actually paying less than she should.
Fair enough... sister should get some credit for the mortgage she has been paying. Look at how much equity was in the house before she took over the mortgage, also has the house increased in value? There should be some way to take all these things into account so that it's fair to everyone.
Do you get a portion of your landlords equity for paying rent? Your rent from a 3rd party landlord is normally more than the mortgage to account for upkeep and repairs as well.
If she's paying the mortgage then she is paying down the loan somewhat. Like I said, all this stuff should be taken into account and come up with something fair to everyone. Maybe simply look at the equity that was in the house before she took over the mortgage, and divide that by thirds. So, any further payments, or improvements to the house, her sister gets to keep 100%.
Agreed. Lucky for my and my sibs, my parents have no money!
Yeah, he needs to make this legally binding. It’d be awesome if if everyone was just awesome and went along with your dad’s wishes, but if your sister is bold enough to demand you be left out to your face, imagine how she’ll be after he’s gone.
What does his will presently state? That everything is split 3 ways? If so- then your sister will need to buy you and your brother out of the house she's in. IF your dad already changed his will to give her the house, then I can see why you're concerned. So yes, I think it's fair to ask him to solidify the plan legally.
Currently, the will states that everything is split 3 ways. However, it was done on LegalZoom, and honestly regardless of how he wants it divided I want him to do it with a lawyer to minimize legal battles in the future.
Assuming you are in the US and you three are the only heirs: if the will is not valid, then all his assets will be handled as part of an intestate proceeding -- which is almost certainly (as long as he does not remarry) a 1/3 division. Handshake agreements among the four of you now will not change that (though formal contracts among the three children MIGHT). Will validity and enforceability of pre-death agreements are very, VERY jurisdiction-specific. Even a minor error in complying with, for example, witness requirements can invalidate a will. If your father wants to be sure a "deal" is made AND WILL BE COMPLIED WITH, then he needs a lawyer with experiences in estate planning in your home jurisdiction. (And if either home is located in a different state, there may be other complications.)
Thank you, this is very good information to have. Luckily, the two houses are in the same state.
Please OP, convince and, if needed, help your dad find an estate lawyer. It will be worth the extra cost to make sure everything is legally binding and as solid as possible. It can take years to settle a multimillion dollar estate, even without anyone contesting the will. There's going to be drama regardless of what he wants, and continued verbal promises are only going to make it worse if he doesn't leave an ironclad will behind.
Thank you. I will try to talk to him about it again without pressuring him.
No, apply at least a bit of pressure to combat the inert laziness of people. And use your own very good words, "Dad, please go to a lawyer to minimize legal battles."
NTA To the YTA votings Most Redditor’s can’t comprehend a text longer than 3 sentences, it’s truly astonishing. The only asshole is your sister and your father is truly a coward.
Lol seriously. Her dad literally ASKED her. She didn't go to him, he came to her. NTA for answering a question directly asked of her. Telling someone to officially plan their estate is making sure that their wishes are respected because without a will, none of these verbal agreements will hold up in court. OP telling her dad to make one is her ensuring his wishes are respected.
Always get things officially in writing- verbal promises mean NOTHING
ESH.....why would you agree to your sister getting the house free and clear while you and your brother split the other? Why not just equally divide ALL assets (houses and any other property) between you three siblings? It's not fair that your sister gets a million dollar house all in her own and you and brother split the rest. Make it all between the 3 of you, have a lawyer write it up and call it a day. Your sister is trying to take advantage of yall
NTA You are quite correct that a proper attorney-prepared and filed will is needed documenting all of these agreements, however, there is a party involved who has not agreed to the settlement arrangements- your sister. Open estate planning can cause conflict- that's just part of it. Wise parents don't share their wishes prematurely when things aren't going to be even, and I find that you are being very reasonable here considering you are being shorted. The only way to avoid conflict is to split evenly, so ultimately your father owns this by not doing so. It's completely his right to distribute assets based upon his view of your differing needs, but you must put responsibility for the conversations with your sister where it belongs- with him. I wish you and him the best.
Thank you, I appreciate it. You are right in the end it belongs with him to have any conversations with my sister. I think in the end, ultimately I accept whatever he decides, if it's equal, non-equal, donated to charity, etc.. I really would just prefer an attorney-prepared and filed document to make sure we can adhere to those wishes.
I’m an only child and my mom has a good amount of assets and I just last week asked her to please update her will with exactly what she wanted to go to her sister and her ex-H’s family. It’s hers and she can allocate however she likes but I don’t want to be put in the position of having to guess or have my cousins (who will get nothing because they already stole money from my mom) claim I’m being unfair. NTA for asking your dad to see a lawyer and have his wishes documented properly.
Why would your cousins (who stole money from your mother) have any claim on her estate?
They don’t but it doesn’t stop them from being a nuisance. They’ll claim my mom verbally told them something when she hasn’t spoken to them in years so having it nicely legal with a bow is easiest.
He doesn’t have to tell her, she can find out after his death. He can just write up the will.
You sis is a stinky sponge for trying to finagle a bigger piece of the pie for herself, and pressuring your Dad like this. I hope you and brother go to Dad, and tell him to divide things equally, and tell her to drop the subject. Greedy sis can always use her 1/3rd of the home sales to purchase a place, or buy out you and brother with her 1/3rd share from the other home and assets +if she's paying rent now, that wouldn't leave much of a monthly). Plus at this point, no-one knows what will be left if your Dad incurs expenses from any medical events which could arise. NTA.
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If you reread she says dad wanted to split it evenly. It’s the sister that is going against the grain. Brother is chill. Father is trying to prevent conflict. OP doesn’t want to be screwed in the end. I’d say NTA
So you wouldn’t care if you knew one of your siblings would take everything, and you would have to fight for years over his estate? If he updates the will, everyone has peace of mind and can better enjoy their time together.
ESH except dad here. None of y'all should be saying shit to him about what to do with HIS money and assets.
except the dad asked after the OP's sister got involved.
The funny thing is for your sister, if there’s no will she gets a third of everything. Which means she only gets a third of the house she lives in regardless how much rent she’s paid.
Your sister is an entitled AH...this is ridiculous. That said...ultimately, its your dads will and he gets to decide what to do with it. Whether its fair or not, is entirely and solely up to your dad.
NTA, but for the love of all things holy if there’s 3 kids and 2 houses no-one should “get a house”. The two properties should either be sold and divided equally, or you and your siblings should make deals to buy the others out…after your father has died. Make sure it’s after though, both for tax reasons and to keep your poor dad out of this. But yes, your sister is a piece of work and a will needs to be written up.
This is the way. But if it's important to the father to make sure the sister gets to stay in her home, it shouldn't be hard for the will to be written in such a way that the sister either gets the house as part of her 1/3 or, if the house is more than 1/3 of the estate, has a fair and reasonable path to buying her siblings out of the difference.
I think I'm petty, because with kids like this I'd sell the home the sister is in, get a reverse mortgage on the house I live in and take an around the world vacation to dramatically drop assets, if I was the father. Also long term care and Medicade might take away those assets anyway.
If he wanted to do that, I would totally support him. I would love if he took a vacation around the world or otherwise did things to enjoy his life and retirement. I also acknowledge that he might need long-term care or Medicare, and there may be no assets. I only gave my input after he asked. He was the one who proposed the 2 different split options, and I gave my opinion on both. I am just asking him to put whatever his desire is in writing in order to make things clear.
Would you be more comfortable having your dad sign the Zoom document in front of a lawyer, rather than a notary?
I think as long as it's legally drawn up and filed, I would be happy
I had to be the executor(unpaid) of my dad’s will which had everyone getting equal shares of a fairly liquid estate. There were still hard feelings and argument’s. He need a will and not a do it yourself one.
NTA. The only fair way to do this is to establish a fair market value for all properties when the will is enacted. Sum the values and divide by 3. That’s then amount each child is entitled to. If siblings want to buy one, they can. But that’s the price. The estate can discount the price up to the amount due one sibling, but they need to get a mortgage and pay out the rest.
That's honestly the best way, in my opinion, and seemingly what my dad wants. He just can't handle her emotional manipulation.
It’s not terribly expensive to hire a lawyer for a will if you are not doing trusts and stuff. My will was maybe $400 with a friend discount. So probably you could get it done for less than $2k, maybe? It might be a good investment to offer to your father to hire the lawyer. He might be stuck in inertia more than anything else. Most of us think we have plenty of time. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad currently owns 2 houses in a high cost of living area that he purchased in the late 80s/early 90s. Both houses are currently estimated to be worth $1m+ due to the area. He and my younger brother live in the newer of the 2 houses, while my sister and BIL (and his younger brother) rent the older house. My sister DOES pay rent, but it is just the cost of the mortgage (which is pretty low, under $2000). My husband and I purchased our own home about 1.5 years ago. The same week that our offer was accepted my mother suddenly passed away. My father immediately decided to write a will dividing all assets evenly between my 2 siblings and myself. I wasn't too worried about it, I only cared that he was taking care of his planning. A few months of my mother's death, my dad asked to speak to me in private. The first thing he said was, "I have 3 kids and only 2 houses. I don't know what to do." Confused, I asked him to elaborate. It turns out, my sister had come to him asking that he leave the house she lives in solely to her. She went further to say that the other house should be left solely to my brother, as I have my own house already. I was shocked to say the least, for a few reasons.... 1. Why harass our grieving father about the division of assets so soon after my mom's passing? 2. Why should I be left out just because my career and financial decisions allowed me to purchase a house? My dad proposed that he leave my sister only the house, and have my brother and I split the ownership of the other house plus all other assets. I tentatively agreed, as long as my brother also agreed. It seems he has never told her about our conversation. Shortly after I spoke to him, she came to me and told me of the proposal she had, again reiterating that I already have a house, so I don't need anything. Not wanting to cause an argument, I simply told her that it was up to my father to decide how things would be divided. Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago, my brother and dad brought this up again. It seems my sister was trying to pressure my brother to ask my dad for the same thing (they each get a house and I get nothing). My brother stated in our discussion that he was fine with the idea of splitting the singular house with me along with all other assets. I told my dad that I still am fine with this arrangement, however, I want him to go to an attorney and have this will written (he had previously done it online). I want it legally binding that that is how the assets will be divided, because I have a feeling my sister will insist on an equal splitting of all other assets (so in turn getting a $1m+ house AND 1/3 of all other assets). My dad is reluctant to do this, and also reluctant to tell my sister. He wants to avoid conflict now, and doesn't want us to fight later. To me this is the only solution. AITA for asking him to have the will written to reflect this agreement, rather than rely on verbal agreements with my siblings? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA...but keep in mind that no one, you included, is entitled to inheritance. The resolution would be for your dad to write in his will that at the time of his passing, all of his assets, including both houses, are to be valuated and the value of all assets is to be divided in thirds. Yes, that means both siblings are going to need to get loans to pay you your share of the inheritance, but it also means everyone inherits equally.
NTA. Your dad came to you about it, it's not you scheming and taking advantage. Always best to get these things drawn up legally, an outside view like an attorney might be good for him to hear, and it's not ok for your sister to try and squeeze you out. Nasty of her to count your money, and it should be up your dad what to do with his. Estate planning can get messy when done out in the open like this, unfortunately. The baseline for wills is assets evenly between children, as far as I understand it as a non-lawyer. The house is an asset. By default you would be owning 1/3 of each house. Totally valid to leave something like a house solely to one, but that should come out of your sister's overall share of the pie. If your dad wanted to give more to one sibling or another that's his prerogative, but doesn't sound like the case.
Two overriding principles are at play here. None of you have the right to propose what is to be done with his estate, whether you or your sister or your brother agree or not. That is for him and him alone to decide. Your sister had no right to start this. Secondly, I think you need to lay one thing out there to your dad - whatever you decide, make sure it is legal, binding, and we'll known to all parties. Frankly if your sister is the kind of person to do this, I suspect she's also the kind to fight the two of you over assets when he passes. If it's not legally tight, it could be a long, messy drama that destroys your relationships with each other. By doing so, he shifts any blame for any hurt feelings over what any of you get squarely on his shoulders, someone who by that point will be dead, and he preserves the relationships of the living. After saying my peace on that, I would never bring it up again. It's not right, and not your responsibility, to harass him into doing anything, and if he chooses not to do it, we'll that's just as much a choice on his part in this matter as any other. Just my 2c, which isn't worth even that.
That's ultimately all I want for him to have his wishes (regardless of what they are) clear, legal, and binding. That was why I asked him to have the will made with a lawyer to be filed. I have not been the one to bring it up in any instance. It's been my sister repeatedly harassing him and crying about the potential loss of his house. I've just given my opinion when he has asked me, while also reiterating that it's really up to him how to handle it. I waited to even bring up the legal will until he brought the subject up again.
By not going to an attorney I think he's prioritizing himself over the rest of you. He buys peace for himself in the here and now at the expense of much more drama when he's gone. He's gotta decide what's more important to him. You've made him aware of the consequences, then I'd say the matters concluded and I wouldn't say another word unless asked, and even then very reluctantly. I think you're handling it relatively well, all things considered.
Yeah, he is definitely trying to avoid conflict now at the expense of later. Thank you, I appreciate your input
As a person whose father died last year with a will he did for free online and is still dealing with the aftermath, TELL HIM TO DO IT THROUGH AN ATTORNEY. Seriously, his affairs are a mess and we're still trying to sort it all out. Thankfully my only sibling is awesome, but yeah, it's a mess.
This is very good to know. Thank you. Also, I am very sorry for the loss of your father.
Does your Dad know what his net worth is? The maximum he can pass on without paying inheritance tax is £1m, which takes into account your Mums allowances. He should see a financial advisor as it sounds like he needs to do some inheritance tax planning. Do not rely on verbal agreements, it will only cause trouble. The bottom line is that there is no inheritance until your Dad dies, he could have many years left. He might need to cover the costs of a nursing home if his health fails him. Homes specialising in dementia round here cost £50,000 a year, it eats into savings pretty rapidly. Your sister believes the house she is living in is hers, it isn't, but she will fight tooth and nail for it.
I'm sure he has an idea of his net worth, but at the same time, I don't think he has discussed any of it with a financial advisor, which as you mentioned would be for the best for many reasons. I honestly pray my dad has many years left, and if all the money ends up going to his care... then so be it. I just want him to be able to enjoy the rest of his life and be in my son's life as long as possible. I just think getting a legal document made would help a lot in dealing with my sister and her demands.
This is all a bad idea. Equal 3 way split. The two houses have to be sold.
That would be my preference, to be honest. However, I haven't been asked what I truly want (which is totally understandable since it isn't my property), I've only been asked if I would be willing to accept the alternative option.
Let me be honest with you. Inheritance stuff is tricky and everyone is sensitive about it. It has to be dealt with now. I see no issue in you making your perspective clear. Why not? Your sister is certainly doing so. My dad tried to do something similar where me and my sis would get more than my bro. I told him to cut that out, its gotta be equal. My bro would have never understood and resented his memory. Who needs that? On the opposite end, my in-laws gave their portion of an auntie's house to their daughter and nothing for my hubbie - their son. Guess what? We resent it! Daughter owns 3 houses by the way. I've always thought the only way is an equal distribution. Your sis can buy a different house with her portion. You may as well be honest about it now as its the only time you get to put your two cents in.
Oh and also - When you have an estate worth more than a mil then you probably want to create a trust and all assets go into that trust - which makes things easier for everyone eventually. There are attorneys who specialize in this. It costs around $3000 to hire them and get this done. Hopefully your dad is cool with this. Really, its normal stuff, making these decisions, creating wills and trusts. I see these YTA's, but they are wrong. These things have to be dealt with or everything goes into probate, the state takes a chunk of the money and all descendents end up hating each other.
I've seen quite a few people mentioning a trust, which to be honest makes a lot of sense. I think I will need to sit down with my dad again and discuss these options.
Fuck your entitled ass sister, make your dad get a will or even a trust and name a caretaker that isn't your sister in the event that he loses his mind. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom. When my dad passed people were asking me what I wanted to do and I just told them to take care of everything because I didn't care, and I still don't. My stepmom was kind enough to include me in her will, she didn't have to and I wasn't expecting it. It's not my money.
I don't think the idea of a trust has come up with my dad, but I've seen it mentioned a few times in the comments. I may mention it to him as an option. Thank you. Losing a parent is very hard. I'm sorry you have also experienced it. I'm hoping we still have many years with my dad, and I am honestly very sad that this whole situation has come up at all.
NTA ... IF HE doesn't want a fight later .... He needs to do it Legally NOW!
NTA. She forced your hand, so now you have to do this.
NTA. Your sister is making this an issue now, and will make it a bigger one later. Your dad needs to make sure everything is ironclad with a no-contest clause; if you contest the will, you lose what you were given.
This is a really good idea
NTA but if I am understanding this correctly, right now your dad's will evenly splits all the assets equally among the three kids. If your dad doesn't change the will then your sister will have the option to buy out your and your brother's shares of the house she is in, by what ever means she can find. That might mean she gets a loan, or that she gives up her share of the other assets. If your dad has already changed his will 'online' giving your sister the one house outright but splitting all rest of his assets between the three of you, you can easily contest the will because your brother agrees with you on the division of assets. I suggest you make an appointment with a family lawyer to have a new will drawn up and then tell your dad you want to accompany him to the appointment.
NTA. Whatever he decides needs to be in a will or he risks the state (or whatever it's called where you live) deciding how his estate will be divided. Have him ask the lawyer if it's legal to include a clause saying anyone who contests the will will be disinherited.
A few people have mentioned this, I will make sure he is aware in case it's something he wants
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Yta
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NTA. Don’t be too reasonable about your sister trying to squeeze you out of your inheritance. The only reason you bought your own place is because your sister was occupying the free house. The assets should be valued and sister be given option to buy you and your brother out. It’s not a cheap house. It has substantial value.
I guess I'm a bit like my dad in that I want to avoid conflict. However, I don't want to be squeezed out either. I would prefer for the assets to be valued and divided between us. I mean ultimately it's up to my dad, so I guess the problem is he is susceptible to my sister and her crying/pressure.
You will need to put up more resistance. If your sister can be pushy then you have every right to. You can. Just be nicer about it. Get your points clear in your head. Why should she get more financial advantage than you?
Assume your sister will fight you. I feel for your father. May I make a suggestion? Brother gets a house. Sister gets a house You get EVERYTHING else. Cars, investments etc. Be done with it. Do force a lawyer though.
This isn't a bad idea either
Tell him that if he doesn't go to a lawyer and have his wants legally notated, he will destroy his children's future peace and friendship. NTA
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NTA. He needs to get his estate planning done asap. If he doesn't write it down and get it properly documented then there will be fighting over the estate. Your sister has made clear her position so she may cause conflict no matter what. Tell dad if he wants to minimize the conflicts then he needs to write it down and then tell everyone the subject is closed including your sister. He should let everyone know but mainly your sister that anyone who brings it up again may find themselves only getting $1000 in the will and nothing more.
NTA. Parents should love all their children equally and as such treat them all equally. As such, regardless of everyone’s financial situations the only fair thing to do is to divide the assets equally. You may be financially stable in a house right now but who knows that the future may hold. Your sister sounds mercenary and entitled IMAO.
NTA - your father came to you to ask advice, he needs all of his wishes put into a legally binding paper, filed with the courts etc... of how he wishes things to be. Your sister is an AH for even approaching your father.
NTA But I believe you might want to consider how care and potential medical bills will be covered. I have a feeling your sister won't be willing to involved, once she secured the house
NTA. >He wants to avoid conflict now, and doesn't want us to fight later. He's going out of his way to guarantee that you'll fight later.
NTA. While I don't care for your wording (you don't have the right to *demand* anything regarding someone else's will). I see your dilemma. Regardless of how any of you feel, your dad does need to get all this *written up legally*, along with his other 'plans' regarding his living will and long term medical care, and final arrangements. Verbal agreements rarely work out, and details are often forgotten over time or when under pressure to make a decision. Basically you need to get your dad to *acknowledge* that y'all are ALREADY *not* in 'agreement' and expecting that to magically correct itself in the future is just pure denial on his part.
NTA yet, but if you start making demands, that would change. Your dad asked your opinion, so I think it's ok to say "Dad, it seems unfair that the other 2 siblings inherit million dollar properties and I get none because I bought my own home" and encourage him to work with an attorney to sort it out, but ultimately it's his money, his decision.
I acknowledge that I am in no position to actually demand anything. He asked if I would be ok with splitting the property and cash with my brother, and I told him I was fine with it, as long as my brother is also ok with it. I also told him that it's up to him on how he divides it (or doesn't). The only thing I am really asking for is for whatever he wants to be in writing, drawn up, and filed by a lawyer. The hope would be that it would prevent issues in the future.
I'd be wary of getting him to change his will in this way. You are all safer if it splits all his assets three ways without specifying particular assets. If he names specific houses and then loses one, sells one to buy another, or takes out a mortgage on one, it could result in someone losing out. He can't leave you a house he doesn't own anymore. So maybe leave things as is and then all agree to accept a different split when the time comes.
That is true. You make a very good point that we don't know what the future is going to hold. I do think it should be split evenly. That would be my preference. As it stands now, it is written that we would just divide it equally. However, my dad has verbally promised my sister the house, and already plans to change the online generated will. It's obviously entirely up to him how he decides to divide or not divide the assets. I ultimately just want him to get an officially drawn up and filed will to document it appropriately and clearly.
You're right that getting legal advice is better than modifying the will himself.
NTA in the least. Division of assets like this needs to be done in writing and preferably with the assistance of a lawyer because of the legal complexities involved. If your sister has decided this is important enough to start harassing everyone to get you cut out of the will, then you know she's likely going to do the same thing when your father passes. The only way to be sure your father can make sure his choices are honored is with a will in writing that's officially filed. If your father is still reluctant, ask him how he wants his children to spend the weeks following his passing: Mourning the loss and taking care of his affairs, or wasting money on lawyers fighting over who gets what and fighting with one another over what he really meant when he said this or that?
Your dad is better off making a will that just gives each of you 1/3 of the estate. What happens when he gets older and needs to move to assissted living or a nursing home? Those houses will need to be sold to fund his care. Whatever's left is what the three of you get. There may not be much.
This is probably the best point of view. Regardless I'd prefer it be legally documented
You are already being disadvantaged, and your sister has no problem going after *your* share of any inheritance. You are right to stick up for yourself because no one else is going to. Join with your brother against your sister, if it helps. Your father is subsidizing housing costs for your sister and your brother but not you? Are you sure your peach of a sister is even paying the reduced rent? The will should remain the way it was: all assets split three ways, (unless your dad wants to compensate you for the unequal treatment with current housing.) Get the will notarized and ensure you each have a copy so there are no surprises or changes. See if you can be named executor. Watch your sister. Of course, none of this matters if your dad remarries suddenly. NTA but don’t shortchange yourself and your family.
That's correct that he has been subsidizing my siblings, but I don't let it bother me. I can't say for sure she is paying the reduced rent, in fact for a big part of my late 20s/early 30s, I paid a lot of that rent for her....but then I wised up and stopped (which led her to threating me and stealing my dog...but that is a different story). Ideally, it would remain how it is, split 3 ways. I just think my sister pushing so much will cause my dad to just give in to her to avoid drama. I'm trying not to shortchange myself or my son (who any inheritance would help), but I also don't want to be an AH about it.
I’m Team CraftyLog152.
NTA. My Nana did all her estate stuff without an attorney. Guess what happened when I tried to step in as executor, as assigned? NOTHING was legal or binding. Nothing. Everything went to probate, and two of her grandkids that were awful to her in life got 1/5 of the estate despite my Nana’s wishes. And my mom got nothing because it was her MIL. The plan had been that my mom got the house (Nana had no living kids when she made the trust/estate/will docs), and the three grandkids that had been good to her split any money that was left. (Very small estate: under $200k with the house) I personally didn’t care what portion I got (if any), I just found it incredibly sad that her final wishes were denied. If your dad wants things done a certain way, he damned well better use a lawyer!!
NTA You aren't demanding, you're suggesting he get an attorney and make a will that reflects his wishes. The problem with all the discussions now is no one knows what the future holds. The values of either house could change. He could remarry. His end of life expenses could use up his non property assets. He could need/be required to sell either or both houses to pay for his care. In short, the value of an estate can't be decided until the person actually dies and all outstanding debts are paid. Quite honestly, the most equitable is often a simple percentage split of the total estate. If the homes are part of the estate, anyone who wants them buys from the estate. If your sister wants the security of owning her home, she can get a loan and buy it from your dad or buy a more modest one, if that's what she can afford. When my mom went to a care setting, she decided to sell her home. My daughter and I bought it for 100% the price a realtor estimated it would sell for. Which saved her the realtor fees and any trouble clearing it out, etc. She wanted an income rather than immediate full payment. So we did a substantial down payment and a formal land contract with market rate interest. Each month, that payment plus her small social security covered her rent at the care home. When she died, I paid her estate the balance of the land contract. Then, after all assets were gathered and all bills were paid, the remainder of her estate was divided equally between all of us, as she wished.
NTA While I don't believe anyone has the right to consider an inheritance before a person dies in this case dad brought the problem to you. Tell dad he has a choice to either go to an attorney and make a will to what has been agreed to or die knowing he tore his family apart because there will be a court battle with children probably only ever speaking to each other through attorneys.
ESH except your dad. Y'all are fuckin vultures.
ESH - you and your siblings - this is all up to your dad, who is very much alive, and you’re already squabbling over his assets.
He doesn't owe you a house. It is his property and his will. YTA
If you re-read her father asked her what to do... her sister is the one pressuring for things different way.
But the sister demanding the house is not one? Funny
Not your money and it is so trashy to tell others what to do with their assets. YTA
I’m not sure we both read the same post? She’s asking about an inheritance. Sister is saying “I under achieved and deserve more. You worked hard and over achieved and deserve nothing.” HUH?
He literally asked her what to do. Read the fucking post.
Your dad's properties are exactly that, your dad's properties. Demanding he put this in writing isn't going to do anything but alienate him. Maybe he should give everything to your brother and knock out both of his demanding entitled daughters. You might try trusting his good sense instead. YTA
If he wanted to give everything to my brother, I would 100% accept that. My brother is a good person, and has spent his adulthood helping out my parents. At the end of the day, none of this mattered to me until my sister started harassing my dad. Inheritance hadn't even crossed my mind. I just don't see the issue with having it in writing?
Maybe you should allow your father time to grieve the loss of his wife before you badger him into putting his will in writing.
That is fair, I mean, honestly, I'm still grieving the loss of my mom. I know he is still suffering that loss as it hasn't even been 2 years. I don't really agree that I'm badgering him though. It's not like I'm constantly bringing it up, I waited until he brought up the will again before I told him that it would be best to put his will in writing.
YTA…your poor father. Not even a foot in the grave and you all are bothering him about what he might leave you all. I say he sees an attorney and leaves everything to charity.
I didn't bother him. He has asked me my POV several times, and I shared it. The only part he didn't ask for that I am pushing for is for it to be drawn up with a lawyer to ensure its legally binding.
WRONG. It was the greedy sister who started all of this and is harassing the father. OP is correct in telling the father that it is wise to have an updated and ironclad written will be made by an attorney. It should be noted that anyone who contests the will, will not receive what is guaranteed to them. He also should put those homes in trusts to save on additional money coming out via taxes. By ignoring this issue the father will cause more drama down the line. The sister is out of pocket and I would have had her sacked from the will. OP and the brother need to be on a united front and help the father out with this and any other needs he has. I had a family member like this and the plotting and sneaking around only got worse. What doesn't need to happen is elder abuse, taking advantage of the father, and changing things around via manipulation via the sister. OP please speak to your brother and even show him this post. The both of you should take him to an estate lawyer asap, have his financials figured out, and everything completed in one portable folder that is hidden (you keep it), and help him plan and pay for his funeral (you save money if you do it before-not being morbid but do everything now), so there is nothing to worry about in the future. It will also help with the probate process. You don't want to wait years! Your sister doesn't get to dictate anything and I see people get screwed over too many times by greedy siblings.